#this year im gonna get medicated for my adhd but so help me god in the meantime i am going to try with my whole heart to use schedules

[girlboyburger]

hi i'm alive i'm just struggling my way to happiness & productivity

[rianafying]

i’m on tumblr again about to journal so hard. anyway, i’ve been extremely busy and overwhelmed lately, with school and work. some would say i’m doing better than ever but i would say i am living in an internal prison hell of my own creation and my therapist would say i have a fear of success. she did actually say that. and after reading a couple of articles it makes a lot of sense. i have a huge problem. imposter syndrome and always downplaying my achievements god knows why. well god didn’t tell me but i found out why. it’s scary, being in the spotlight especially after experiencing so much bullying throughout my life. now i’m not scared of the direct bullying but i find myself actively sabotaging my own life. for example: i’m doing this podcast and so i’m researching relevant topics. after i learn about the topics, i feel worthless and like why would i make this podcast, if i know this information surely it’s either useless or wrong or everyone already knows better. i’m scared of putting my hand up and lately i’ve somehow developed crippling social anxiety, which is completely undetectable to the people around me. turns out i’m an introvert. i mean i kinda knew it but it’s been very relevant to finding the perspective that is keeping me alive recently. i’m doing great and somehow i hate it. i want to rip my skin and hair out and it makes no sense. i need to get on some sort of adhd medication at some point in life because raw dogging it is proving to be too exhausting for this poor brain. my assignments have been going kind of really well and yet i feel like i’m flopping harder than ever. no matter what i achieve it feels like the bare minimum and nothing i could do would actually make me happy. what is this hell i have placed myself in. at least i’m not screwing up. but i’m always this close to screwing up. the best i do is not screw up. somebody literally offered me extra money for my work because they liked it so much and i’m here still wondering if i let everyone down. aaaaaaaaaaagahsgshsjskkdjjdks. talking about my fear of success sounds an awful lot like i’m bragging, but i’m done with this part of today’s journal entry so let’s move onto other things that are bothering me.

my cousin and my little sister are both going through hell with their uni applications and as big sister ™️ it is often my responsibility to help them out and i love them so much and i’m so so glad that they value my input so much that they come to me with their problems and have me check their essays and applications. and i love helping people especially the people i love so much but sometimes i really just can’t find the time and i forget to get back to them and it makes me feel awful!!!! but i try my best, they know i try my best and they love me so it’s okay.

number three is that im fucking broke, i do fun work and fun work in the fashion industry pays very little. im often doing very cool projects with student designers or little emerging brands and underground artists and obviously they can’t pay the way big corporations do and im so grateful for whatever they give me and for the opportunity to work with them, but at some point im gonna need to find a steady job. i’ve been talking about this for exactly a year and a half now. a lot of problems in my life will be automatically resolved as soon as i get a job. this summer inshallah.

there’s always so many little things to remember and i do my best to keep track of them by putting them in my calendar and my master to do list and my notebook and anywhere and everywhere literally plastered all over everything. it’s kind of overwhelming but the top things im worries about rn are my business presentation, my collab, my interview, the photoshoot for the social media marketing campaign, the blog posts, the exam, to return some stuff i borrowed from designers and the hair makeup gig. all of this needs to happen before the 12th of december, after which i am fully dedicated to finding and doing fully paid steady work in retail or hospitality.

oh i’m also worried about not sending back the pictures i took for my photoshoot, because i’m not happy with the quality of my work. hahah crippling imposter syndrome and self hatred check!!

and my relatives are visiting me this week in my tiny studio apartment that’s messy (as always) (actually not as always, it’s much cleaner than ever before i’m actually getting better at this). there’s just a few too many things on my mind.

it’s gonna be okay though. things are going well, despite how i feel, despite all the fears i have, despite all the complaining, the reality is that i’m killing it. and i’m gonna listen to my therapist and try to have a goo

[toadcircus]

all my millions of thoughts are back again and thats nice in a way but they go too fast for me to catch them. cant hear myself think over hearing myself think and i forgot that that is just how things are. 

[actualsunflower]

I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--

I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..

So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe

[februaryberries]

Study (?) tips that you don’t see on every study post

Hi gamers, I just finished my first year at college/university!!

This year was really a struggle for me because I was trying to get the help I needed for my mental health, and I did not succeed until literally the week before finals spring term. I just got diagnosed w ADHD and put on meds (thank god) and I’m excited for the next year to come.

Though this year was absolutely grueling I did discover some little tips that can really help ! This is coming from my experience w ADHD but it could relate to other neurodiverse learners as well ! Even if you are neurotypical some of these might help !! 

This post got really long so I’m gonna put it under the cut but, main Idea is bolded w a more in depth explanation underneath ( for those like me who see a block of text and go running)

In no particular order:

If you can/are up for it take a class before noon even if you are not a morning person. I am NOT saying take an 8am when u regularly go to bed at 4am! Bc that is dumb bb pls get some sleep. In my experience once I go to class my brain is like “oh things are happening now, it is actually a day and not just existing in a timeless hellscape.”

Once I am out of bed/out of my room I am at least mildly more productive for the rest of the day. Going to a class before noon means you are up and doing things for the day and early enough that you still have light. This ties into the next one

Start while it’s still light out!! At least for me I gain so much happiness from natural light/sunlight, and it is very hard for me to do things let alone START things once it’s dark out because my brain is like nope the day is over now. Plus in the fall/winter days days are getting shorter and shorter so it’s important to make use of as much daylight as you can. I feel like a plant w how much I rely on light to survive but it really does help! 

Put on ‘Real People’ clothes. This is something that really helps me, even if it’s just like, jeans and a turtleneck, maybe tucked in w a belt. I’ve found that when I put on academic-y clothes or like Adult clothes it helps me switch my brain into school mode. It’s kinda like putting on a uniform for work? If I’m in too loose of clothes or like pyjamas for example, I’m much less likely to be able to switch my brain into productive mode. For me especially its when i’m wearing tighter clothing rather than baggy ones? Like i said a turtleneck which like the sleeves are fitted to my arms, and jeans or pants that are fitted to my legs. I think it helps because it makes me more aware of my body in the space? Idk.  figure out what real people clothes feel like to you, and then have a couple of go to outfits you can slip on when you’ve been in a hoodie and sweatpants all day and really need to get some work done. 

On that note, put on shoes. For me along w the tight clothing, I do better in shoes, specifically ones that lace up and can be tight. Like hightop converse, or boots, or even dress shoes w laces. I think in a way my body needs to be contained so I can focus on something? I’m not sure why I feel like that but i’ve learned to work w it. Putting on shoes for me helps because

1. I’m not distracted by what I’m putting my bare feet on (i cannot stand wearing socks unless im wearing shoes so yes bare feet)

2. I’m not getting distracted by my floor n the fact that hey maybe i should sweep bc there are some crumbs sticking to my feet now.

And 3. You put on shoes when you are going to go outside and go somewhere. It’s like putting pyjamas on to go to bed, you’re brain associates those items with doing something, so putting on shoes can signal to your brain hey we are doing something now, and that something is work.

Talk to your teachers !! I understand sometimes you have a teacher from hell and honestly idk what to tell you at that point but in  a lot of cases teachers can be very understanding !! The amount of support I’ve gotten from my teachers this year is absolutely insane and 100% the only thing that made it so I didn’t get kicked out of college. Like reaching out to your teachers shows that you care! if you have to take a mental health day sometimes let them know !! i would always let my teacher know that I really wanted to be in class but I just couldn’t handle it that day. They also can help connect you to resources you didn’t know about ! 

Look into what resources your school has !! I was talking about how next year is gonna go now that I’ve been diagnosed and such with my friend, and how I was gonna contact the DRC (disability resource center) and she didn’t know you could get support for having ADHD!! Like I know you can get extensions on due dates, attendance forgiveness, and even potentially note taking assistance when you have ADHD and talk to them. even if you are medicated it doesn’t 100% solve everything and there are still ways to get support! Whether its study groups, writing centers/support, tutoring, or even contacting your drc or whatever your school has, it can really help!! I’m definitely going to take advantage of these resources if I can next year ! 

Find a place outside you can go to clear your head (or have a mental breakdown) 

I can’t even begin to count the amount of times i’ve been freaking out over something or stressed out of my mind and my room started to feel to stuffy and claustrophobic and i just needed to get OUT. try to make sure it’s somewhere safe and close that you can go to even at night. (maybe try to shoot a text to your best friend that you’re out and if you don’t let them know you’re home by a certain time to start raising alarm, your safety is the most important) I tend to like to be up high because i’m further away from people, and the streets and I’m closer to the sky.

My go to thinking/breakdown spot is the roof of the parking garage a block away. It has stairs that are easy access and the top levels are usually empty even during the day. It really helps me to just go out and listen to music and collect my thoughts sometimes. My head can start going a million directions at lightspeed and I need to stop and be present, and being outside helps. It’s a good way to regroup.

Spend 10 minutes picking up your desk/work space. I tend to let my room get cluttered and messy and out of control a lot, to the point where I know it’s going to take at least a couple hours to get it clean again. It is also hard to focus when you’re in a messy environment. I would stress myself out and be like “well i HAVE to clean my whole room because I can’t focus if my space isnt clean I cant start until I clean” and then I would put all of my productive energy into cleaning, and get maybe halfway done before burning out and going to bed.

You’re never going to get any work done if you keep in this mindset. So instead just spend 10 minutes picking up the garbage off your desk, put the dishes in the kitchen, and put things back in their place. Then you will have enough space to work on your assignment and that space will be free of clutter so it won’t be as stressful. 

DRINK WATER DRINK WATER DRINK WATER

Have a water bottle in front of you when you’re studying/in class. I get fidgety a lot when i’m in class/studying (thank u adhd) and so having a water bottle is a way for me to fidget I guess? Depending on the water bottle, you have little steps you have to do to drink that help u fidget,

for example: pick it up, take off the lid, drink, put the lid back on, set it down.

Or pick up, push button that opens drink hole (?), set back down.

When I have a water bottle on my desk it satisfies my need to do something with my body and comes with the bonus of staying hydrated, without me having to lose focus doing something else. Also you won’t get distracted by a sore throat or the realization that you are really thirsty.

Pay attention to why you’re not paying attention. Not everything that works for me is going to work for you, so you have to figure out what works for you. I started to notice that I would be uncomfortable or feel funny working when I was in baggy clothes and that helped me figure out I needed to wear real people clothes. If you find yourself getting distracted, take note of what is distracting you. maybe try literally making a list of things that distract you, so then you can identify patterns and how to combat them !

That’s all I have for now, I hope some of these could maybe help? All of these have helped me actually complete an assignment occasionally, and somehow keep my ass in college. I just want to say that my experience is my own and things that work for me aren’t going to work on every one. college can be really tough, especially your first year when you’re trying to figure everything out. I may not have all the answers but feel free to shoot me a message!! i’m here for you if you want to ramble about an assignment you’re fed up with or a teacher you hate or anything thats bothering you !! Everyone’s college (and life) experience is different so don’t feel bad if yours doesn’t look the same as the people around you ! Remember to take care of yourselves !!!

Have a good day :)

[darkshadow90]

Arthur Fleck x reader: Reader has ADD/ADHD

Summary: You have ADD. You joke about it and try to make the best of it, but in reality, it’s not at all easy to live with. You have a rough day at work. You vent to Arthur how hard it is to have this condition and just wish that people could understand. He’s there to comfort you.

A/N: Hey guys. This isn’t a request. I had this idea for a little while but I hate writing for self indulgence. I wanted to give this a shot and see what you think. I have ADD and it can be a fucking nightmare to live with. A lot of times people joke and try to see the humor in it. I understand. It’s a way to cope with it and get through it. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I also think because so many people try to put a lighthearted spin on it, it causes other people to not take it as seriously as they should or even dismiss it as a real condition. I can tell you it is very much a real condition and it’s something I struggle with everyday. It’s not fun. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have it. I hate that I have trouble doing the simplest things. I hate how I struggle through so much. I wish there was a cure. ADD is not a super power, it doesn’t make me a genius. Thank science for medication. I’d be so lost without it. I’m sure those of you who have it can relate. Anyway, I hope you like this 🙂

Your entire life you struggled with ADD. It wasn’t easy to live with. Sometimes you felt like people didn’t understand what it was really like to have it. They’d say things like “Everyone has attention issues and trouble doing boring things. You just gotta buckle down and do it.” Or “One day, you won’t need that medication. You’re smart enough to do things on your own.” Those are just a few things people had said to you throughout your life. They just didn’t understand and you wish they did. You were on medication and it seemed to help a lot, but it wasn’t always easy to get because it’s a controlled substance. Thankfully you finally had insurance that covered it. Living in Gotham sucked but being with Arthur helped make it a little better.

While you didn’t have mental illness like Arthur did, you were able to empathize with him. You two had similar frustrations in dealing with people and the medical system that was dismissive of the two of you and didn’t understand your conditions. You both needed medication to help you manage your symptoms.  They weren’t a magic fix or a cure. You still had symptoms but the medication made them easier to deal with.  It really helped to have those similarities because it felt lonely to feel like no one else would understand. Arthur had been there to help you stay organized, so things wouldn’t create clutter you could keep track of things easier. You were grateful  Arthur was such a neat freak and liked keeping the house clean. Sometimes you left dishes lying around, or left your keys lying on the table instead of hanging them on the key ring near the door. It wasn’t because you were lazy, you were forgetful. You expected Arthur to give you the “how many times have I told you/do I have to remind you” talk, but it never came. His patience was a blessing.

One day while you were at work, you thought things were going great. You were getting the things done that you needed to do. That was, until your boss told you you seemed slower at completing things than usual. She wasn’t harsh about it, she was just pointing it out to you. She told you to go home and get some rest. You felt like a truck hit you. You were having a hard time staying motivated with everything that was going on in your head, but you didn’t want to tell her that because you were afraid of how she would react. So you went home and beat yourself up over it. You usually became so focused on one thing, at it was hard for you to switch from one task to another. You were scared if you stopped even for a little while, you would fall behind and never catch up and things wouldn’t get done.

Arthur came home and saw you sitting at the table. He knew something was wrong. He came over to you. “What’s wrong, Y/N?” You couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. “Be honest with me, Arthur. Am I a fuck up? Do you ever...ever wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid?” “No. Why do you talk about yourself that way? Why would you ever think I think that way about you?” “Well today at work my boss...she wasn’t mean about it...she pointed it out to me. She said I’ve been slower at getting things done lately. I don’t do it on purpose, I just have so many things going on in my head and I’m so scared if I don’t get something done right away, I’ll fall behind and I’ll never get it done. I can’t switch from one thing to another. God, Im so fucking tired of putting five hundred percent into everything I do. I’m so tired of just barely getting something done on time and feeling like I’m gonna fall apart. Why does it take me so much fucking effort to do simple things? It’s so embarrassing that I need stimulants to get things done. I’m so tired all the time I hate it. Don’t you wish I was different? Don’t you wish you didn’t feel like you were looking after a two year old because you always have to clean up after me and remind me of things?” “No. Sometimes it’s not always easy to deal with, just like how I’m not always easy to deal with. But we have our quirks, we get through them.”

It meant a lot to hear him say that. He helped you make a schedule for work so could follow things easier and break up tasks. It helped you get things done more efficiently and in a timely manner. You don’t know what you would’ve done without Arthur. He was a lifesaver and this was just the many ways he helped make things a little easier for you. You wished more people could try to be more understanding like him.

@ajokeformur-ray

[boom-boom-boyx2]

Kaminari Denki X Todoroki Shoto

Fandom : bnha; my hero academia; boku no hero acadamia

“Hey....is everything alright? I don’t mean to bother you just..you seem upset.” The multicolored boy sat down next to the fake confused blonde. “Huh? Todoroki what are you doing here? Hehe- I’m fine! You should, uh... you should get back to your friends!...” the now safer looking blonde tried looking away before he was pulled into a very hesitant, but caring hug. “Uh!” He gave off a whole to the one he called Todoroki causing him to look up at the other with a worried face, “are- are you alright? Did.. did I over step my boundaries? Do you want me-“ as Todoroki was weakening the hug The blonde pulled him closer, “no.....please don’t go..” the blonde barriered his face into the others chest and went silent for a moment. “..Kaminari- do you..uh.. if you wanna talk you can..I’ve been told I’m a good listener.” Todoroki stoped and waited for the other to respond, “hmm~” Kaminari sighed in the boys chest then raised his head, “I’m sure you are....” his eyes looked droopy, he looked exhausted and like he was holding something back.., “Denki...please, talk to me.” Todoroki looked Kaminari in the eyes when he said it this time, “oh.....o-okay..” Kaminari DONT want to- no. He couldn’t look him in they eyes when he said it... he had moved down to laying his head on Todoroki’s lap, “shoto, I’m having a hard time.” He paused and switched sides from his left to his right, “it’s hard for me to- to..” he stoped before he began to cry, “why is it s-so ha-hard t-to un-under-underst-stand thing-s.... I don’t understand it! I don’t get how I got into this class- you guys are way smarter than me and and an-“ the crying blonde was cut off by the others soft humming and fingers against his hair, “wh-what are yo-u doming...” he sniffled, the other paused before speaking again, “...is this ..helping? My mother used to do this to help calm me while I cried...I don’t mean to-“ the blonde forced out a soft giggle, “hehe, todo- that’s so cute...” he doesn’t move and they both lay there in silence for another short moment till the blonde spoke again. “Todoroki?” Before he could answer the other kept going, “how do you do it? How do you...how do you understand everything, how do you get all the information the teachers tell you, like- how do you remember it long enough for the test..?..” the multicolored boy could feel the others cold tears along his left leg, he was silent though. They both were. He didn’t respond just kept humming, “how come I don’t have control of my quirk? Why can’t I be as cool as you? Why do I have to be weak- why do I have to be stupid- it’s not fair! You guys are so much better than me..” Kaminari soobbed and Todoroki stoped, Todoroki stop humming, he stoped touching his hair, he stoped thinking, he stoped breathing. All he could think about was how wrong Kaminari was, how stupid* he was for not getting that he himself was amazing. “B-but, the worst part about it all...the worst part about it all was that even Aizawa Sensei thinks I’m useless, I’m just a pho-“ Todoroki thought of a way to shut the boy up before he could say any more lies, any more things that would be so in-true it would hurt both parties, “hm!” Denki shocked Shoto’s moth in well, shock. Once Todoroki realized what he did he let go of the others face, he tried to back away but ended up just hitting his head on the wall he was rested against, “I- uh..” Kaminari sat up and whipped the tears off his face, “I’m sor-“ Shoto was caught off by Kaminari this time. Denki kissed him passionately, it surprised Todoroki so much he ended up hitting his head again, “ouch..” when Denki had backed away from Shoto he he gave him a worried look.

“are- are you alright?” “I’m fine...” “Kaminari...” denki realized what he had just done, “OHMYGODIMSOSORRYTODOROKIWAITPLEASEAREYOUOKAYNONONONO IM SO SORRY! please don’t leave me- I don’t think I could loose you after what I just said I need you please-“ Kaminari was cut off by another kiss, “it uh.. it seemed to work last time..” Todoroki paused again before speaking, “ Denki Kaminari. You are an excellent student, I mean you made It into one of the most difficult schools in Japan, your in the top class, aND a second year... your quirk is beautiful, and you mean so much more to people than-what do u say?...oh! A charging station... your friends love you,” “yeah sur-“ “, and well, I Love You... Kaminari. Your so strong. And if I’m right, I’m pretty sure you might have this thing called ADHD..” Kaminari froze once he had said the I Love You part but when he said ADHD he caught his attention, “wait, what’s ADHD?” “Hmm, well it’s an attention Dissorder, you have trouble staying focused and you....wait you have anxiety right?” “Uh-uhm..yeah- I think I do at least...wait, how did you* even know what ADHD is do you? Like uhm ya’know.. have it?” Todoroki paused and sighed before answering, “my brother, Nastuo, has ADHD we got him tested and he takes medication, it’s very effective- and it’s not that expensive...” Denki had looked up at his...friend... and smiled weakly. “Kaminari, would you like to go to sleep?” “..yes please...” “would you.. would you like me to stay here..?” “Hmm, yes please...your keeping me warm..” Denki was obviously trying to lighten the mood.

Around 10pm

——————————————————————————

Mina has intered the chat

Sero has intered the chat

Kirshima has intered the chat

Jirou has intered the chat

💬

Yo, did u guys see kamiBro after class today?

Nah- I kinda thought he was with you, I was gonna ask if he wanted to play games but his door was shut...

Oh fuck! Guyyysssss I thought he was with u guys! Damn it- he looked rlly sad at practice today Jirou Babez! U seen anything??

Well-

Did you say FUCKING lost pikachuu.

...shit-

Oh! H eh Bakugou! Aren’t u in bed around 8;30!?

Hey*

Did. You. Say. You. Lost. Kaminari. When. He’s. Upset.

Uh.....

Shit Kirshima!

Ahahahaha- no.....

I swear to fucking god, if he does something fucking stupid I’m going to kill all of you.

Wait what!? Was he planning on doing something stupid!?

Hold up! Bakugou!? Do u know something we didn’t!?

Be quiet. And check his room, I’m coming I’ll be a second I have to put a shirt on.

WAIT GUYS! CALM DOWN! He’s fine!! I swear!

WHAT!? JIROU WHATS GOING ON!?

HUAH!?

NONONONO

He’s okay

ISTG

HES DINE!

TODOROKIS IN YNERE

There**

Their finneneeds

Leave em’ be!

I-

Wait whAT!?

HALF an’ HALF IS WITN ONE OF MY DUMBASSES!?!?

Ohohohohoooo- calm down bakuBro! At least kami is okay! :)

Yeah...

Tch, he better be- I already put on a shirt and idc if he was his boyfriend over or not I’m going in.

Wait!

Let’s noT!

Why? They having sex!?

Uhm- idk, I kept hearing hits on the wall earlier...

Wtf!?

I DONT GIVE A DUCK

Shit! BAKUGOU WAIT FOR ME!!

SAMMMEEEEE

No! 😀🤚🏼

hakskdndkdbkdbf ur all dumbasses I’m climb with u

👁👄👁 thats not how that works Sero- I-

—————/——————————\——————————

“DAMN IT KAMINARI! WAKE UR ASS UP!” ‘BOOM’ the door snapped open which quickly alerted the previous 2 from peacefully sleeping. “WHAT THE FU-“ “....ah, it’s just Bakugou...” the half of the door frame that Bakugou had his foot in was completely frozen and covered in ice, “DAMN YOU ICY HOT!?” “Please quiet down Bakugou, my boyfriend and I were trying to sleep.” He sighed and looked down at a blushing Kaminari, “ah, are you alright?” “I-I’m fine....didn’t know we were dating yet....but that’s cool...” Kaminari buried his chest into Todoroki’s once again, “now, what did you guys need?” Mina, Sero and Kirshima were all frozen with surprise and unexpectedness while Bakugou was physically frozen. “NO. WAY.” Mina shouted and basically flew three Kaminari s door to the couch, careful not to jump onto either of the two. “I CAN’T BELEIVE UOU NEVER TOLD US KAMI~ YOU HAVE A BOYFRIENDDDDDDD!!”

After they continued to scream and what not all TJE fangirling got cut off my well, more fan girls, “what’s with all the rucku-” ochaco had stoped in her tracks and gasped so hard todoroki was pretty sure she stoped breathing, “TODOROKI YOU DID IT! OMG FINALLY WAIT OMG I HAVE TO GST DEKU AND TSU AND IIDA AND MOMO AND AND-” she ran down the hallway shouting causing everyone to wake up, “wait...y-you liked me!?” Denki looked shocked and lost all while his face slowly steamed up, “ah, well yes, I figured you knew..” Todoroki looked at him blankly with the slightest bit of blush on his cheeks. “N-no, how would I know...” Todoroki pulled the blonde up for another kiss, then kissed his nose, “well, I figured when I did that you got the hint...” Todoroki chuckled softly before realizing he broke his boyfriend, “I-...” “wait-..” “hold up” “WHAT THE DUCK ICY-HOT HET A ROOM!” Todoroki turned around and looked at Bakugou in the eyes, “we did, then you broke the door.” The other responded with his signature ‘Tch’ before turning around “alright fuckers I’m going to bed- don’t fuck around to much and keep the damn noise down.” He walked off back to his dorm.

“Ah” they both sighed in relief when every one finally left them alone to go back to sleep, it had been a long day for Kaminari and Todoroki just wanted to cuddle his now, boyfriend in quiet but with everyone smuthering them they both felt to uncomfortable to cuddle up that close. “T-Todoroki?” Todoroki looked up to the blonde sitting next to him, “hmm?” “Do you- I mean like are we....are we togethe—r??” His voice cracked as he looked down back at his lap, “Kaminari... do you want us, to be? Uhm, together that is..” Todoroki sat up straight and turned his body toward the blonde, he saw the blondes whole face and got a bit worried, “Denki...are you alright??” He put his hand on his forehead, “ah!” Kaminari flinched and let out a tiny scratched scream. Kaminari looked up at the boy infront of him, the one that always knew what was wrong, and always knew just want to say even if he didn’t think he did, the one who was so beautiful and peaceful all the time, this boy, this boy who he has had a crush on since first year of high school. The boy who just asked him if they were together...

“Yes.” After a few minutes of silence, where Todoroki worried he had said something wrong, and What he could do to fix it had looked up at the sudden sound within the quiet room. “Yes, uh, we are together, I mean- I like you, that’s what I’m trying to say....” he paused and sighed, “damn, I feel like I’ve been holding that in forever, like some kind of stupid secret that I locked up in my mind. Not letting anyone see it, in case you where in love with someone else, I didn’t want to ruin that, I didn’t want to ruin your* love life, what could be your most amazing life with my stupid confession... it feels nice to finally have it out in the open, to know that you don’t hate me..” Todoroki was shocked....

[crimeronan]

ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.  

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing.  and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do.  i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

-

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually.  i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

-

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love.  love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die.  love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive.  but maybe i wish i did.  spite doesn’t help me much there.  spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable.  there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me.  i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral.  that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless.  but it would be a lie of omission.  spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them.  cry on them.  support each other.  like each other.  fine.”  you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes.  i have people i love.  i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner.  i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone.  i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them.  i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival.  i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received.  (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this.  i’ve told them all this, they know.  they’re glad of it.)

so.  what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world.  it’s all the little connections i’ve made.  every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe.  hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away.  no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane.  partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn.  blue  light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs.  my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain.  right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting.  but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space.  it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there.  it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration.  rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years.  i have to start smaller.  i’m not used to keeping physical objects.  dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual.  but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken.  there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know.  i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch.  they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds.  there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone.  i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard.  we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway.  some seem to have sprouted by accident.  mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence.  the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment.  birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with.  we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky.  i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie.  i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get.  i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above.  i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom.  the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself.  in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall.  we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours.  the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth.  mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it.  slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites.  the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate.  of course we’d end up behind someone.  this isn’t divine intervention.  this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic.  if i want it to be.  

and it was.  it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing.  i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building.  and i can keep going.  i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here.  you get the picture.  love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

-

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise.  although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much.  probably some of them would enjoy my death.  i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike.  a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay.  because i’m bipolar.  because i’m autistic.  because i’m a dropout.  because i grew up poor.  because my spine curves and my shoulders ache.  because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right.  that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it.  mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now.  by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth.  i ask for what i want.  i use my time how i want.  i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation.  no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too.  everyone i love.  it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe.  the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included.  i never know if i’m feeling what other people do.  i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me.  i don’t touch it all the time.  but i don’t pretend it isn’t there.  it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes.  it presses at my throat.  it curdles in my stomach.  it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate.  it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile.  it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors.  i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir.  there are a thousand ways to describe this thing.  the descriptors aren’t important.  what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor.  this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.”  this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist.  it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop.  it wants what it wants, it does what it does.  possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me.  to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses.  it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it.  i cannot fight with myself.  i cannot beat my monster into submission.  if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger.  it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it.  can’t kill it.  can’t muzzle it.  can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.  

alright.  

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me.  can’t fix it.  will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric.  hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.  

so fuck that, i say. 

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.  

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.” 

 losing battle.  lost war.

 it’s not the monster’s fault.  the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears.  it exists to protect me through scorched earth.  a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury.  it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing.  my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect.  my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.  

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me.  but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes.  what it touches.  what it destroys.  what it burns.  where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person.  i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes.  i want to make the world better for kids like me.  i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born.  i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative.  i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles.  my cognizance slips.  i forget why i care.  i forget what i want.  i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.  

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now.  but it still happens.  it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead.  it’s been fighting them forever.  die like they want?  my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah.  our work isn’t done.  and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

-

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post.  i don’t know if anyone will read it all.  i don’t know if it’ll mean anything.  i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive.  and when i don’t, i love being a monster.  it’s good.  all of it is good.  i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces.  it’s not one or the other, love or spite.  it’s symbiosis.  i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots.  i can’t give them to you.  

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.  

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world. 

 i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system.  adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

[nightmaresorpromises]

🍄✨💐

OKAY THIS GOT REALLY LONG BC I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF SO LIKE IM SORRY LMFAO. Also pls no one yell at me I’m just saying how I feel and what I think, I recognize that everyone will have different views/opinions/experiences and that I can only speak based on my own. I am not a doctor

🍄: do you support self diagnosis?

This is kind of a difficult question, I know most people hate the self diagnosis stuff, but personally I think their are certain mental health issues that you can become aware of without a medical diagnosis.

That being said, many mental health issues and disorders are incredibly complex and I think those DO need a medical diagnosis, especially since from what I understand a lot of disorders can mimic and or cause symptoms of other ones.

So for me personally, my eating disorder, anxiety, and depression (which I honestly don’t call that I just say I’m depressed bc I’m not medically diagnosed?) are all self diagnosed, but I’ve seen myself develop my eating disorder and was willing to die for it, I frequently have anxiety attacks to the point I feel like I’m going to faint and I can’t breathe, I’m terrified to order my own food sometimes because of the social interaction, and I’m borderline suicidal and struggle with self harm as a result. So like? I feel, I don’t want to say justified because that sounds kind of wrong, but I feel okay in going “I have these issues, and this is what I struggle with”

but I don’t think I’d ever self diagnose with something complex like bi polar disorder, borderline personality disorder etc, because those are much harder in my eyes to determine, or understand without a medical diagnosis. (Obviously that’s just my opinion and example as someone who A.) doesn’t have the option to get medically diagnosed regarding my mental health issues and B.) who has never struggled with any of those disorders or known anyone who does.)

So like? I’m definitely not pro “identify with whatever mental health issue you have a symptom of!” But I also think to an extent individuals who struggle with their mental health can have enough sense to go okay, this is my life, this isn’t healthy or normal, I’m struggle with these things so maybe I’m dealing with anxiety, or whatever else.

But I understand the frustration around self diagnosis because you obviously have ignorant people going “omg lol I can’t focus on this thing I totally have adhd or add” or “lol I got so angry out of nowhere! Clearly I’m bi-polar” and like... I won’t even get into that. *facepalms*

💐: do you believe in recovery?

This is hard for me. I guess yes and no.

Yes because sure there are things you can overcome, and recover from like addiction, and eating disorders, and there are things you can treat like depression and other mental illnesses,

But no because (pessimistic bitch over here sorry) at the end of the day you’ll still struggle with those things. So you can get better at coping, you can get treatment, but even for me personally now that I’m no longer restricting my food unhealthy, and I’m not terrified of food, I still get ED thoughts, I still get triggered. Like the mental health issue is always going to be in the background of your mind and you’re still going to have to deal with it, even if the strain isn’t as harsh because you’ve gotten better and developed a healthier way to handle it.

So I guess that depends on your definition of recovery. Of course I believe in getting better, and not having your issues hit you as harshly even if they still lurk in your mind.

But, part of me despises the fact that a lot of those issues are still gonna lurk. (I guess I don’t believe in being “totally cured!” Or whatever ? Idk)

But that’s just my take on it, everyone’s different and everyone’s issues are different. And obviously getting better through treatment and developing better coping mechanisms and whatever else can greatly help you and ease your struggles. So it gets easier, and I guess that’s what recovery is supposed to be about. Getting better even if you aren’t “cured”

✨: do you have any advice to others (especially young people) about how to recover?

Oh god. Okay so like, as someone who hit rock bottom at like 15 emotionally I think one of the biggest things is you have to want to recover.

And to a lot of people that sounds obvious but it got to a point where I, and a lot of my friends who struggled with their mental health stopped wanting to get better.

If you’re going to recover, you need to want it. Not necessarily be ready, because you might never feel “ready” it’s a huge jump, but you have to WANT it. Or else no help or advice will ever reach you, and you won’t give an honest try to do whatever it is you need personally to recover.

2.) you have to be willing to change in whatever ways are possible and necessary, because obviously there are things such as living situations that you might not be able to change giving your situation. But the things you can change like how you respond to situations, who and what you surround yourself with (social media, toxic friends, toxic online communities etc) you have to be willing to cut those out.

And obviously, that’s easier said then done, especially when you may already feel alone and like cutting them off will only add to that lonliness, but guys, you have to do it. And I know it’ll be hard at first but getting rid of those toxic relationships will lift a weight off of your shoulders and I promise you will make new friends. Shit like that happens when you least expect it and it’s annoying and weird and dumb. But cut out that toxic shit in your life.

Overall change though, if you don’t like the way you treat people take a step back and go “okay why do I react this way? Why do I treat people this way?” And don’t beat yourself up about it, don’t attack yourself seek to understand it, and that will enable you to then go, “okay how I respond isn’t fair, how can I change that?” And that goes for how you treat yourself too. If you can change those negative thoughts, behaviors and treatment to both yourself and others it will help your mental state a lot.

3.) patience and understanding I guess? I’m sure there’s a lot of feeling like you might be a horrible person out there, a lot of anger and pent up frustration with yourself and the world because of all the shit you’ve had to deal with and like, those feelings are justified, but you should also be patient with yourself and understand that people do stupid, cruel, fucked up shit. We make mistakes, we treat people kinda poorly, but don’t destroy yourself over it.

Understand or seek to understand why x y z is happening and use that to do what you can to change the situation, even if it’s scary or hard. You can regret actions, but regretting them forever won’t help you grow or get better it’ll only make you sink ya know? So like, accept how you’re feeling, but don’t succumb to it, and work to change the negative behaviors or energies that surround you.

Oh my god okay 4, and like SUPER FUCKING IMPORTANT. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE. Stop IT. NO ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Where you are is based on your own path, and you’re on your clock not anyone else’s. Everyone has so many different experiences it’s impossible and not fair to sit and judge yourself based on someone else’s capabilities.

Because we all have different experiences while you may be struggling to learn how to respond or handle social situations, which might be something others know how to do, those same people might be struggle to process grief and loss, which maybe you experienced already and learned how to handle.

(Idk if that makes sense,) but basically like, you’re where you need to be in life and you’re learning what you need to learn when you need to learn it. We aren’t all on the same track. Some of us are learning things our friends learned at sixteen, some of us are working towards things 35 year olds haven’t gotten to yet. Everyone is different and because of that we are going to have different experiences. Different bodies, different personalities, different struggles

And that’s OKAY that’s how we’re supposed to be

(Thanks for coming to my I just woke up and chugged coffee ted talk. Obviously take everything I say with some salt, those are just my opinions and views and I understand that they won’t be helpful or apply to everyone and their situation. I’m just trying to explain how I see or feel about things given my life. Obv I’m not a doctor or anything I’m just a college student no one come for me thank you I’m sorry have a nice day)

[infiniteglitterfall]

Hi! I have atypical autism and I’m having trouble at work. I feel like no work place is working out for me because of my diagnosis. I’m uncomfortable around my colleagues, I’m quiet, I don’t know when to speak or what to say etc. I’m sad, mad and frustrated that this ruins every work place for me and I don’t know what job would fit me. I’ve never told my bosses that I have atypical autism and I don’t want to do it either. I want advice on what I should do

this is a great question!  I didn’t know what atypical autism was, but I googled it and it sounds like  they came up with this because they can’t call it asperger’s anymore? “a subthreshold diagnosis, presenting with some symptoms of autism but insufficient to meet criteria for a diagnosis of childhood autism (or autistic disorder). Alternatively, atypical autism can be diagnosed when there is a late onset of symptomatology.” Aka DDNOS, apparently.  From my perspective, it doesn’t sound different from any other autistic experience. FWIW. I think they tend to base their diagnostic labels more on how we seem from the outside than what our experiences really are. just my onion It sounds like you’re struggling with social anxiety, in that special vicious-cycle kind of way where not knowing how to interact with people makes you more anxious, and that makes it harder to interact with them, which makes you more anxious....?  The nice thing about vicious cycles is that you only have to knock out part of the cycle to make the whole thing fall apart. Like: if you didn’t feel anxious about not knowing when to speak or what to say, it would be easier to figure out when to speak or what to say. Which, in turn, would give you less reason to feel anxious about it, et cetera.  Or, if you knew what to say to them and how to hit it off, you would have fewer triggers for your anxiety, which would then make it easier to.... you get the idea.  There are a lot of things that help with social anxiety. I am going to give a shout-out to medication, first of all. There are a lot of life hacks and therapeutic techniques that help a lot. And for yeeeeeaaaars, I didn’t realize that I really had anxiety, and also, thought that I “should” see if I could manage anything myself before “resorting to” meds.  Turns out, medication saves me a TON of spoons, which I was previously using to “manage” depression, anxiety, and ADHD. You would not BELIEVE how much more energy and just general functionality I had when I finally got my meds right. OMFG.  It can be a pain in the ass to find the right medication, especially if it means first having to find a medical practitioner that can help you and then having to explain the situation. Sometimes you find something that helps you right away. Sometimes you have to try different things to find something that works well enough. Sometimes you get the fun of “doesn’t work for me AND has bad side effects for me.” (OTOH, when looking at side effects, always remember that you might not get any of the side effects.)  IMHO, the hardest part of finding the right medication is that a lot of practitioners don’t know how to track whether it’s helping you or not. Or whether it’s helping ENOUGH. Like: I got on anxiety meds that were starting to help, but which were making my ADHD meds not work.  I tried a bunch of other things, and finally got Vyvanse to work for my ADHD. But I managed to FORGET that my anxiety meds weren’t doing anything, for a full year, until things got really bad and I was like “wait a minute... these should be helping????” And I did some research, accidentally found a competent psychiatrist, and found that Cymbalta worked for me... but even then, if I hadn’t found decent tools for assessing if it was enough, I would’ve stopped at like half the dose I actually needed to be on.  This post is gonna be long as it is, so I’m gonna reblog to add different tools you can use to gauge what’s working, and which will help medical professionals understand what you’re experiencing. (Because tbh, they’re often just plain ignorant about this shit.)  You do not necessarily have to go to a psychiatrist to get medication for anxiety, social or otherwise! My partner’s OBGYN prescribed him depression meds. My family doctor was willing to prescribe stuff for depression and anxiety, but only if it was something that didn’t potentially interact with ADHD meds. My chosen brother’s doctor was asking EVERYBODY, after the 2016 election, how they were doing and if they needed depression/anxiety meds. (And they’re in North Carolina!) He had never really thought about it before, and in fact, when he started taking them, his social anxiety got so much better that he was doing shit like going back into the store to tell them they’d given him too much change. He was the one who got me to think about taking them. He had a little kid, and he was like, "I’m doing this for my family.”  Ok, medication aside:  Some kinds of therapy are really good for figuring out how to interact with people. I’ve been learning a lot about different modalities, and I would recommend finding someone who does what’s called “relational therapy” or “relational-cultural therapy.”  Basically, relational therapy is ALL about learning how to interact with people and have better relationships of all kinds. It’s very connected with issues of marginalization: people who are into relational therapy learn about how marginalization, and abuse, affect us and our relationships. Like, how we can internalize a ton of shame, just from being autistic and being devalued by the people around us. Even just from existing in a world that doesn’t value or understand how we communicate, and how we experience things.  And it’s really good for identifying that stuff, healing from the struggles of trying to interact with people, and learning how to relate to people in a way that works for you.  I found an organization that explains it pretty well (”Are you anxious when it comes to social situations like the workplace?... If we are depressed or anxious, inevitably it can be traced back to tension or breakdowns in relationships, or an inability to connect”), has a blog post in the sidebar called “Signs of Aspergers In Adults - Sound Familiar?” and apparently does therapy globally via Skype. I have never used them, I don’t know anything about them, I just googled “relational therapy” “online therapist.” (Shockingly, tho, that blog post not only links to one by an actually autistic person, but is very positive about autistic traits. I’m impressed so far. And I’m sure there are other options out there, too.) Lastly (as far as Things That I Personally Know Work go), I’ve gotten a LOT of recovery around social anxiety, and learned how to build relationships at work, from 12-step programs.  The reason it works for that, as far as I can tell, is:  • It’s a peer-led model, where everyone is equal. (this was huge to me, because I really struggled for a long time with feeling like everyone knew better than I did and had more of a right to talk about anything than I did, and therapy was a tough way to deal with things at that point because I saw the therapist as A Professional who’s In Charge.)  • There’s a lot of emphasis on the fact that the newcomer who just walked into the room has as much of a right to give input in a business meeting, or to volunteer to help out with something that doesn’t require specific experience, or to share what’s going on with them, as anybody else.  • Everybody there has gone through the same stuff as you, and anybody who’s helping you is showing you what worked for them, not what they were taught would work for people. That can be a pretty big difference, especially in terms of being able to relate to them and share personal things with them.  • Working the steps involves a lot of writing about your fears and resentments, and looking at, basically, what has and hasn’t worked for you, and why it hasn’t worked. Really, what you're doing there is seeing where you can reclaim your power. And then you deal with a lot of shame, and get to discover how much you’re like other people, and how much you’re equal to other people, and that you’re a good addition to the world. • You also connect with your intuition, when working the steps, and develop a better sense of what’s intuition and what’s fear/anxiety. That, and sharing in meetings, REALLY helped me get a sense of what to say to people and get comfortable saying things. (A lot of people shorthand what I’m calling “intuition” as “god,” but it’s very much supposed to be a nonreligious idea of “god.” and IME, it’s basically your intuition, whether your belief system says that’s god talking to you, or a psychological thing, or a mystical force, or what.)  Plus, 12-step stuff is free, which I’m very much in favor of lol. And most 12-step orgs have phone meetings and online meetings, so you don’t even have to go in person if that’s a barrier. (and in a phone meeting, they might not even know you’re there!) The tricky part can be figuring out which 12-step groups are good in your area and what might work for you. Because they range from Alcoholics Anonymous to, like... what’s the most obscure one I can think of? ARTS Anonymous, I guess. (it’s for artists who are stuck, it’s not saying art is an addiction)  But if you wanted to try 12-step for this, I would say that Emotions Anonymous is really good for dealing with all sorts of emotional and mental health stuff. (and holy shit, they have an app????) Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families has, iirc, a good book, (as well as all the meetings and whatnot) and most people probably qualify for that. If you have any experience with sexual assault, abuse, harassment, or being cheated on, COSA is good, and you end up working on all your other relationships and emotional stuff along the way. 

[heir-of-the-founders]

Hi im going to rant for a minute

Sorry, it seems like the more time i have to think abt stuff, the more i remember from my childhood and the more i hate my mother.

(Tw drugs, prescription drugs, recreational drugs, misuse of prescription drugs, bad parents, excessive cursing)

Ok so, basically, my mom and i agree that its pretty plausible that i have adhd. Like, we had a discussion abt it. Bc i realized i really clicked with a lot of adhd stuff, so i brought it up to her, and we had a small discussion, and she agreed with me. Except. She already knew. Like. She been knew. For a while.

Basically, the essentials of the convo were this:

Me: hey mom, ive been looking into some stuff, and i think i might have adhd

Mom: yea i kinda figured

Me: oh really? Then why havent you dine anything about it or brought it up before now?

My moms reply was essentially this: well, if i brought it up, then i would feel really guilty about not getting you tested, and if you got tested and you DO have it, i know youd need meds, so id feel too guilty about nkt getting you meds, but i dint want you on adhd meds because i think youll "enjoy it too much"

Yea. The 'enjoy it too much' bit is quoted too, btw.

So, basically, she tried to justify that by explaining that my sisters friend has adhd and shes on meds and has been, and when shes not on meds she gets really weird and kinda obsessed with getting them back and she doesnt want me to be like that. Like???? Like yea, micro meth dose, fine, but like- Ok mom, its not like youre a stoner, and its totally not like my sister actually did meth when she was a teenager or that youve involuntarily subjected me to tobacco my entire life. And its totally not like you still pop non prescription xanax sometimes.

But yea, me wanting to try /medically approved prescription medication/ to help with my possible /mental disorder/ is totally the same thing. Its also not like 90% of our fights are because i physically cant make myself do stuff bc of executive dysfunction which is a fucking adhd thing you fucking nut.

Like she literally told me to my fucking face that she knew theres something wrong with my brain and knew that its probably bad enough that id need meds, and she knew that i fucking hate everything about my fucking brain but no, i cant have meds to help with that shit because ill fucking enjoy it too much.

Like, she literally knows that i have trouble in class bc i cant fucking focus half the time, and shes always getting on my ass about my grades and then turns around and deliberately reduces my ability to function in a classroom setting. Like what the fuck???

Also, im like 90% sure my brother has autism. Like actually. I don't really know how to explain it, but the more that i learn about autism and its symptoms, the more i think my brother is autistic. It could be something entirely different, i could be reading everything wrong, i dunno. Im not a professional. Bu ill eat my left shoe if my brother is neurotypical. And ya know what?? Thats never been addressed. Ever.

And like? My mom didnt fucking hesitate to get me on depression and anxiety meds. Like what the fuuuuuuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.

Why. Why is she fucking like this. Even if i git tested and didnt get meds, we couldve set shit up at school so i can have an easier time. Shit is fucking hard. Its always gonna be hard. But she refused to let me make it easier because she didnt want to feel fucking guilty. Like what the fuck??? And honestly, if she doesnt feel guilty for half the shit shes done to me in the last 10 years, then fuck her. Fuck. Her. She put me through so much shit for no reason. Aaaghhhh.

Gods i hate me mother. Fuck her.

[pessimisticfvck]

the mental health system is confusing me so much

when i was admitted, the doctors there tells me i probably have to start getting medicated for my adhd again - fast forward to today when i see a doctor about my meds and she just bluntly tells me no because it’s defintely gonna mess up my mental instability (depressive/manic eps/self harm) which i totally respect her opinion so we’re gonna wait 2 months until my body is used to the new dose im getting for my bipolar med and hopefully that’ll make things better but pLoT tWiSt - she definitely believes i suffer from borderline personality disorder which makes sense because i have pretty much all the symptoms but for gods sake, i just wish all the doctors/therapists that ive had would tell everyone the same information so i can fucking get the right help and not just jump between things and getting new diagnoses, new doctors and WRONG medications which i’ve been fucking doing now for the past 6/7 years 

i’m so angry, distressed and just confused at the same time, it sounds like im not appreciating being able to actually get help for my mental illnesses - trust me i do, but i just feel like they don’t realize how serious my situation is and i need help afuckingsap before i one day won’t wake up

[mrpinchy]

updates

HEALTH YEEHAW

It’s been SO HOT the past few days I haven’t left the house to go to the gym cuz I don’t wanna drain my gas running the AC all 10min it takes me to drive there lol.  UNFORTUNATELY I only went twice this week, which is better than not going at all! so I’m tryin to be kind to myself.

When I first started going I could barely walk for an hour but now it’s not so bad.  I leave my phone in the locker and use gym time to unplug for the hour I’m there.  I still watch the TV screens but it’s always a whole lotta nothin so it’s easy to tune out.  Forcing myself to unplug from social media every day, even briefly, has been good for me imo.

My diet changes are going OK I guess but fact is I’m a type1 diabetic with hypothyroidism AND broad food allergies, so.. uh now that I’m finally adjusting my diet for all these things I’m realizing how.. hungry I am lmao.  I’m so hungry.  All the time.  It feels like all I can eat now is rabbit food...

DID YOU KNOW I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s about a year after I became diabetic and I’m JUST NOW LEARNING that there are MANY THINGS I’m supposed to avoid eating if I’m taking thyroid medication, like literally no one ever told me I had to change my diet it was just “take this pill everyday on an empty stomach and wait to take vitamins” and that’s it.  That’s all I got.  Between that and my allergies I’ve been fucking myself over DOUBLE for years lmao.

That said, removing dairy from my diet has yielded immediate results.  Overall I feel better and my complexion has improved a lot.  IT WILL NEVER BE GREAT but it’s consistently better than it was! god i miss cheese tho

Therapy updates:

Last week at therapy I was asked to take a really long 350+ question True/False test to help my therapist determine what areas we should focus on first.  This week she had the results for me and overall, besides ADHD messing with shit (which we still need to work on pls), I’m a pretty grounded person with a good head on my shoulders.  That was nice to hear lol.  Of course I still have important issues to work on.  

One of the bigger issues is, well.. I’m sure some of yall have seen it if you’ve followed me long enough lol, but sometimes I’m really pushy when I think I’m right. Sometimes I try to explain/teach other people without considering they might not want to know. If I think someone is wrong I’ll say so and never ask them if they wanted my opinion in the first place, I never ask how they came to their conclusions or what their unique circumstances are. I’m just always trying to be right.  

My therapist kept asking me “Why do you think you need to be right all the time?  Where did you learn that?” and tbh I didn’t have an answer at the time because i’ve never thought about it, but... I guess it’s because if I’m not right then that means I’m wrong, and if I’m wrong everyone will judge me lesser for it and/or hate me.  It means I made a mistake and now all the good I’ve done is forfeit because everyone knows I’m not perfect, and maybe that’s why I anxiously overthink tiny unimportant things, because I’m so afraid of being wrong ever.  With all the energy I spend on this mindset I don’t realize other people DONT do that, they don’t overthink every tiny thing, and they come to different conclusions, which I then see as wrong, and now I’M the one judging them for it.  I get defensive whenever someone tells me I might be wrong because, in my mind, I already did the work of making sure I was right, and to find out otherwise is scary and unfortunately I handle fear with anger.

In short: I’m a judgy know-it-all sometimes and I come off as a dick cuz of it, which harms not only my existing relationships but potential relationships.  It also harms me because I end up isolating myself when people don’t agree, and that’s crappy.  

I care too much about other peoples’ opinions and how other people do things, to the point where it disrupts the way I do things, and I have to learn it doesn’t need to be that way.  Other people have experiences and insights I don’t have, and to assume I automatically know better just cuz I think differently is foolish.  ((BTW IM TALKIN ABOUT BENIGN ISSUES like different opinions on what makes a good story or how to play a game or how to do daily quests efficiency etc, not important issues like human rights omg)). 

My therapist says I need to start asking people if they want my opinion before I just dump it on them as if they’re already wrong and I’m right.  “Do you want my opinion on this?” If they do, I speak honestly BUT constructively.  If they don’t, I save myself some time and trouble.  There’s really no downside for me.  Sometimes I’ll feel strongly about something, but.. I have to remember I’m not in charge of what other people should know or how they should do things.  That’s not my job.  At the end of the day, all I can do is what's best for MY life, and I need to focus more on that.  IT’S GONNA TAKE PRACTICE but I’m tryin to be mindful

Something I read recently in a daily horoscope (of all places lol) was “Focus less on your burdens and more on your blessings” and yknow what, that’s true. I’m trying to keep that in mind too. 

[mediocracy-at-best]

hi this is gonna be a ramble and please dont read this if you dont want to like i totally understand- and this might seem like “poor me” etc etc whatever but imma type this with absolutely no regard for what im typing absolutely no filter etc i just need to get words down so i know wtf is going on in my head this medication has helped so much with my anxiety, but i literally dont fucking care about anything anymore. i used to sing on the daily now i dont care. i used to do my work (or at least some) and now it has been weeks since i turned in an assignment in literally any class. teachers are coming to me and asking whats wrong and why i dont do anything. its not that im lazy im trying i just cant. i cant read the instructions i cant open classroom or powerschool without being reminded how fucking stupid i am and how behind i am and how much i need to read and get done. and then earlier i had a meeting w doctor lady and she was like u dont sleep enough. like ok sis im a teenager but thats not the problem. i cant have this anxiety of not having anything done but i also cant do it. i now have extensions bc of my iep on almost all my classes but i simply for some reason cannot even convince myself to fucking login to classroom. i want to be back in school with forced structure. after classes i sit there and do nothing because i cant go on it or i get sad and scared and worried. all day long my mom is texting me yelling at me, and currently my room is so fucking digusting that my mom cant even step into it without almost having a breakdown. i am surrounded by my own fucking filth and no way to escape it because that involves getting out of bed. i cant get out of bed. why? bc simple tasks literally fill me with lack of motivation and i just end up crashing afterwards. i cant do fucking anything i need help but i cant bring myself to ask for help w school bc then ill be obligated to face classroom and face powerschool and reach out to teachers back who have been watching me progressively get worse and worse each fucking day. i am failing classes that i could be passing with flying colors. i could have fucking high honor roll rn but this is the worst my grades have ever looked in my entire life. there is 3 weeks til the end of the mp and i have a fucking 28 in personal economics. i have a 42 in health. i have a 67 in creative writing simply because i cant fucking log on and do it. i sound so goddamn dramatic but i cant do it. but i also cant let anyone else do it because then it just encourages me to rely on someone else. it overwhelms him bc hes in several AP classes and i am in none yet here i am complaining about my work. its not the work its me. its my issues. its my lack of fucking drive. i know a lot of this is bc its all virtual and lack of schedule is really hard for me, but also this is my last year of public schooling and its already november. the fall play is fucking online and my senior show isnt gonna be the same, if it happens at all. none of my goals from the last 4 years are able to happen and nothing is good. everything sucks. i suck, everything around me sucks, and add on how much i am dissapointing my mom. i cant even tell her why because i have issues opening up to my parents about my problems. my mom insists she has adhd and learning issues but she straight up doesnt and always pulls the “if i can do it you can” “all you do is lay in that fucking bed” etc. i feel like im in a fucking coma. i cant sing. i cant do makeup. i cant do my schoolwork. all i can do is fucking lay here. can things be normal please god can things go back to normal. i want to see people normally. i want my senior show and homecoming and prom and the football games and graduation. i want to go to the stupid fucking christmas parties i go to every single year. i want to trick or treat without a piece of fabric on my face. i want to go see broadway shows bc thats what keeps me going. i want to fucking live again. i want to sit in school and wish i was doing something else. i dont want to overwhelm the people around me. i have no fucking explanation for why i cant do stuff but i fucking cant. i cant do anything that takes brainpower. i cant do anything i might possibly fail at. i feel so trapped. every week i wait for therapy to come around again so i can tell her my latest problem bc i feel like thats all i have. i feel like dylan is tired. my mom is tired. my friends are tired. i am fucking tired too. i am so goddamn fucking tired of this. i cant do this shit girl bye i literally just need to take a shower and try to fall asleep even though the minutes are going by extremely quickly the marking period is ending and i might not even be able to graduate with my class if i dont get it together. goodnight 

[klanced]

Do you have any advice for rising high school freshmen with adhd bc i start school in 2 days an im gonna freak :0

this is the moment where i shine luna i have been dying to give adhd advice. at any given moment, i want to give advice for living with adhd. i love u.

I will try to prevent this from becoming a big wall of text!!

TAKE YOUR MEDS. Assuming you are prescribed meds, take them. Do not skip. Do not experiment with your dosage. In middle school, you could get away medsless or w messed up meds and not suffer too much. The same cannot be said for high school. 

Messing with my medication schedule gave me 100000% times more anxiety because it 1. Messed with my heartbeat, and 2. It severely impaired my ability to perform well in the classroom. 

You will be too busy shaking and fidgeting to listen to what the teacher said. And that in turn will raise your anxiety. It’s a terrible, awful cycle.

On that note, always make sure to eat!!! I know that waking up at 6am is the like worst thing in the world and should be punishable under the Geneva Convention, but skipping breakfast to nab those extra 15 minutes of zzz’s is not worth it. I don’t know how Scientifically True this is, but I’ve always found that it’s Really Bad to take your meds on an empty stomach.

Also, breakfast is just important?? You’re going to want to die anyway during your morning classes, but you’ll really want to die if you’re starving. Plus, being hungry always makes me dizzy and tired!!! (On that note: Do not sleep through class.)

In addition, make sure to eat lunch!!! I always skipped lunch because I’m a Fool and it honestly made me very weak and lethargic and way too skinny. It wasn’t worth it. Eat your lunch!

And maybe pack snacks??? Idk man, my metabolism is wack af and I’m always hungry, which oftentimes made me distracted in class. Remember: We will always be at a disadvantage because of our ADHD. Our bodies and minds will take advantage of every excuse to become distracted. If you’re suffering from hunger pains, I guarantee you that your empty stomach will be the only thing your body focuses on, even if you’re in the middle of taking an exam.

Stay organized!!! Keep a planner! Make to-do lists! Leave sticky note reminders for yourself! ADHD absolutely FUCKS with your ability to manage time, and yourself, effectively. 

I repeat: We are at a disadvantage. It doesn’t mean we’re automatic losers, or failures, or that we should give up before we even start. It means we need to work twice as hard to be just as good.

Rise to the challenge and kick everyone’s asses, including your own. Especially your own. Which sounds ridiculous, because I am my own worst keeper, but I’ve found that at the end of the day, you only have yourself. So you might as well as make this bitch someone you can rely on.

SET ALARMS!!!!! Always set alarms! Set multiple wake up alarms if you have a problem of sleeping in, and make sure to space them out by a couple of minutes. In fact, put your clock on the other side of the room so you have to get up to turn it off! Set alarms in the bathroom. In the morning, I’m so tired that sometimes I end up hyperfocusing while brushing my teeth. I once brushed my teeth for a solid twenty minutes, it’s really bad. Set alarms/reminders so you don’t do that!!!

On that note: Please for the love of God try to leave your phone/electronics downstairs when you go to bed. ‘Oh I’m really tired,’ you say, ‘I won’t go on my phone I’ll just go to bed.’ You are lying. You will go on your phone. You will stay up until 2am on your phone. Do not keep it by your bedside.

I personally use an alarm clock to wake up, and then keep my phone with its timers in my bathroom so I stay on track.

Try to study!!! I know it’s the worst thing in the world but you need to build up the habit!! It will be essential for junior/senior year and college. 

I spent most of high school not studying and while I turned out okay, I didn’t do my best work! Which I’m still really unsatisfied by. Do not settle for B-s, or Bs, or B+s. GET THE GRADES YOU DESERVE!!!! GET THAT MOTHERFUCKING GPA!!!

Ask for help!!! In HS, I never asked for accommodations when it came to tests or extra time. I had too much pride, I was embarrassed to ask for help, I wanted to be like ‘the other kids.’ We are not like the other kids. 

I keep saying this, but it’s a fact: we are at a disadvantage. If you want to be as good as everyone else, you will have to do everything to keep up and pull ahead. Ask for accommodations. Get the help you need, so that one day you won’t need it.

On a side note: You cannot get accommodations on a teacher-by-teacher basis! You need to approach your nurse and maybe guidance counselor first, give them the appropriate documentation, hash out a plan, and then you can bust down your chemistry teacher’s door and say ‘guess fucking what.’ True story!

Here’s my final bit of advice: Make great friends, confide in those friends, and rely on those friends!! On my worst days, where I could barely focus on myself let alone any verbal directions given out during class, I knew I could trust my friends to explain to me what I missed. 

Obviously, do not 100% expect them to hold your hand during everything. It’s important that you try to be independent. But you shouldn’t feel embarrassed if you need someone to reexplain to you what you’re doing during class time.

One of my best friends was in my chemistry class with me junior year. Chemistry labs were… awful for me. I was always very stressed, because there are a lot of little directions and precise expectations and sometimes it can get overwhelming. I’m deathly afraid of messing up, so I often had Alex double check every step I did. I also kept like 2 or 3 lab direction handouts in front of me at all times so I could double-check where I was in the lab, etc.

Again, all of my advice is off the top of my head so feel free to hmu if you have any specific questions/worries!! I will try to help!! I like helping!!!! :3c

Anyway, good luck! You will be fine. But do your best to be great! 

[fiveshots-nokills]

i’m in such a weird place right now?? i can’t decide whether my life is going well or poorly

like my therapist basically Confirmed that i have ADHD last night which is something i already lowkey knew but i’m glad she made it official so no one can tell me im a faker or w/e and she also said that my anxiety is part of that so rather than having like an actual anxiety disorder it’s just cuz my ADHD is overwhelming so that’s a bit of relief?? i’m not as fucked up as i thought lmao

but then like... my stepdad is such a pain in the ass and I can’t be in the same room as him for more than five minutes without us arguing about something because we’re polar opposites and it makes me sad bc i can tell that it stresses my mom out a lot that we don’t get along but like??? at this point it’s pretty much impossible for us to get along bc we have opposite beliefs and we’re both hella stubborn so neither of us are ever going to concede anything and i hate that my mom feels torn between agreeing w/ and protecting me, her daughter, and supporting her husband even if her husband is a dickbag just saying

Plus even though my grades are getting better they’re still honestly not that great? and as hard as i try i can’t seem to make any major improvements which is not fun

and then like prom is coming up and i’m excited about that so that’s good at least, and i have really great friends who i love and care about and i can tell them anything and i know i’m really lucky to have that

but the other thing my therapist and i worked out last night was that i am like incapable of getting a good night’s sleep which is why i’m tired 24/7 even when i go to sleep early (like i’ve tried going to bed at nine and getting 10+ hours of sleep and yet i still!! feel tired!! when i wake up) and i’m not really sure what i’m going to do about that i guess i could like start taking melatonin but i also don’t want to self-medicate but yeah insomnia fucking sucks but what else is new

exams are coming up too and i was supposed to read a book for my english final project but i didn’t even buy the book yet and i have no idea what’s going on in math and my science class is exhausting because it’s project-heavy and there’s never a break and i don’t think i’ve learned a single thing in my french class this year so i’ve no clue what i’m going to do about my finals and even though they’re like two months away i can’t help but stress over them and just ughghg my mind is a fucking mess

i’m glad i don’t have anxiety but like between ADHD making me think about everything and depression making me not want to think about anything and insomnia not letting me get enough sleep i feel like shit

i know this post seems really negative but i actually have a bunch of good and exciting things going on in my life right now (like prom, this weekend i’m getting CPR certified, i’ve made a lot of really good friends through overworst, i’m taking vocal lessons, i’m reading and writing for fun a lot more than i used to) but i can hardly even recognize those things

i’m also like. completely dependent on my therapist and our weekly meetings which probably isn’t super healthy and i have no idea how i’m going to cope when i got away to college but that is a problem for another day

i just want a good night’s sleep and i want to not constantly be at odds with someone i live with and i want my mom to not be stressed out and i want to have decent grades. like not even spectacular just a B in everything would be fine god is that so much to ask

god and another thing with my stepdad is that he’s super religious and i’m just... not because i’ve lost pretty much all faith in the catholic church ever being good when the head priest at my church started giving weekly speeches about how abortion was wrong and bad and that we need to support our “confused” LGBT youth to guide them back to the “path of christ” and anyway for those of you who don’t know it’s lent rn and you’re supposed to do good or give something up and i was basically like fuck it and he keeps giving me shit about it like ??? it’s not your fucking problem what i do with my life im just so bitter god

and on top of that (though this is a pretty small problem in comparison to the rest of this tbh) my basketball team got a shitty seed in the NCAA tournament and it’s just like. can i just have one good and exciting thing in my life? no? okay cool thanks @ god 

at least i have good music and video games and friends i guess

i’m sorry i’m all over the place this post is a disorganized mess

my therapist told me about this cool exercise though where basically you imagine a “special place” where you feel completely relaxed and safe and i have this pretty cabin in the woods with a cat and books and my games and my best friends and its just... it’s a nice place to pretend to be to cope so that’s nice i guess although idk how healthy it is to constantly live in your imagination

okay yeah i’m gonna stop now bc if i don’t this post will literally go on forever