#tumblr journal here we go again

[wickerthoughts]

Interactions with this one supervisor at my clinic is really getting on my nerves. We have different ways of thinking and I never know the direction she is heading for when she asks me questions so in the end I look stupid and lacking knowledge. But also her messages are unclear and I don't understand what she wants me to do

I have no more reserved for adjustment on a daily level at this point if I can through a single day it be a success

[astranauticus]

todays orv mood: standing at the water dispenser under my dorm building waiting for my instant noodles to cook just pacing in circles and swearing

[toastsnaffler]

homemade apple crumble (<- with fresh apples from my mums garden that she gave me to take back w me) + a smidge of pistachio ice cream (not homemade. sorry) yall wish u were me rn

[stevenkwlim]

The night before Watcher's big Announcement

4/18/24; no spoilers here. Just a bit of reflection.

12 years ago, I started blogging on this Tumblr page to capture my feelings and where I was at. Even though so much has changed, it also feels like nothing at all has changed. Back then, I was a kid from Ohio just trying to make a living off YouTube. At the time, I didn't even know how to operate a camera, how to act on screen, or even how to edit a video. But I knew that I loved the process of making videos, and that propelled me day by day.

When I started making YouTube videos in 2012, I gave myself 4 years before I'd call it quits. 4 years to make a living or I'd reconsider and find a different career path. Looking back, I didn't realize how close I cut it. But it really wasn't until 3 years in that I made a hit. And I thank God every day because it was some combination of luck, hard work. and divine intervention that somehow someway led me to work at BuzzFeed, create Worth It, meet Ryan and Shane, launch Watcher, and well.. the rest is history.

That being said, I'm at a crossroads here again. Tomorrow is kind of a big day for me and our team. It's nerve-wracking to take risks at this stage of my career and company's life. Who knows where things will go? Will we succeed or will we fall flat on our face? I truly don't know. But no matter what, I just wanted to take this time to dwell in a place of gratitude. Thank you to all the people who have supported my career, team Watcher, and the shows we make. I can't believe this is my job that I get to wake up and do every single day. Speaking of job, thank you to my team at Watcher, I love you and am so grateful for all of you. I can't believe how hard you all work day in and day out to make the beautiful videos and shows that we do. Thank you to my wife, thank you to my family and friends, thank you to our investors/mentors, and thank you to God.

For some reason this journal entry came out like an acceptance speech at the People's Choice Awards. Whoops. I honestly don't even know what I wanted to get across when I started writing but that's it for now. Tomorrow's a big day and I don't know what this means for myself or for Watcher's. But what I do know is that it's been the best five years of my life building Watcher and I thank God every day for that.

See you on the other side,

Steven

[charmedreincarnation]

I got into the void using your challenge: live update

Day 1:

I said isn’t it wonderful once every hour: everytime I felt doubt I reminded myself isn’t it wonderful and the doubt went away. It kept me in very good mood and my desires did feel closer to me more than ever

Day 2:

Like the challenge said I started my day with Isn't it wonderful that I love and accept my godly ability to choose my reality, and I said that once and mediated on my limited beliefs to and tried to question why I should have them when I am god. I felt like a new person

I manifested so many things. Free coffee’, a cute man asking for my number, so many compliments from strangers which rarely happens, and not being late to class even though I’m always late. I was already becoming my dream self I envision after the void

I have a good vision board I was using for my visuals. Everytime something reminded me of my 3D, I stared at it on my phone to remind myself of the life I am living so why am I concerned, and I repeated isn’t it wonderful to remind myself of my wonderful life, it worked like a charm pun intended

It is night time so I am going to listen to the third video you recommended.

Tomorrow I will write about how grateful I am for all my desires that have manifested and meditate on the phrase it is done. My dream life is already here even if not in the 3D yet I have already become my imagination and I’m excited to fulfill my desires on the fourth day and I will message you my success story.

Day 3:

Today is my last day and I am already fulfilled. It really is wonderful. This morning I got up at 3 am (Happy Aïdd) and prayed on all the things I am grateful for. I went to sleep and woke up again. And journaled about all the wonderful things I have. My wealth, my beauty, my kind heart, the wonderful celebration in my beautiful house I am having with my family, my wonderful fiancé, mastery of the void state, the millions dollars of income I have flowing in my bank account yearly, my healthsafety and protection from god, all things that will be fulfilled the next time I close my eyes and open it. Then I wrote all my goals for the rest of the year, business plans, school plans, wedding plans, trip plans etc etc. this is a normal thing for me. All I could think is it is done this is my life MashaAllah

Update:

I was not planning into going to the void until after I went to bed. But I took a nap and woke up in the void thank you so much for this wonderful challenge

I woke up from my nap in a room I did not recognize I feared I had died, but it is here. I am not shocked or surprised, I don’t know how when I cried for this to happen for months but I have been fulfilled since the first day of the challenge so thank you dear 🙏

A shortened version of my desires

Living a luxurious life in Dubai

Living with all my family members in a 12 bedroom mansion in Dubai

Many house help who are treated with love and kindness and paid well

Loyal wealthy loving and god fearing handsome fiancé whom my family approve of

Attending zayned university

Hourglass body, and 36 inches of long healthy hair that never gets matted

Misgyony free household

10/10 beauty

Long natural nails that never break

High IQ that is respected

A white phantom rolls-Royce as my car

And a lot more 🙏 thank you to Loa tumblr and god himself. I pray all of this for you kind dearing souls

Another update

Tomorrow we throw a celebration and none of my family knows I did this, it is like we have always been rich and happy when we were poor and torn apart. I decorate and set up with my sisters, my mother is cooking 30 dishes, and my father for once is helping her clean up. He now worships here rather than abuses her. I am already getting many gifts, purses and jewelry I could only see in my dreams. My closet is very large the size of my old apartment 😂😂 I have hundreds of shoes and even more clothes and purses. I am in awe and greatful 🥰

Happy Aïdd😭😭🎉🎉💕 the fact that you got your desires on this wonderful day makes me so happy !!! You honestly did the challenge in more depth than I gave and it worked out so beautifully I am beyond happy for you beautiful anon 😭🫶🫶

[ofmermaidstories]

there’s something so bittersweet and lovely about fanfic, at it’s core. it’s so impermeable, because it’s so individual. fics don’t get finished. fics get lost because they were typed out and sent to friends, in the 70s, and somewhere along the way someone packed it up in a cardboard box and their kids shuffled it to the attic. websites go down. archives get built, but then people lose faith in the story or the canon or the creator and delete them. you read it at like, 3am, and can’t remember the title months later when you look for it again.

the tiktok these comments are from was lamenting about the loss of a favourite fic—it (the tiktok) had 85k+ likes, and over 700 comments, mostly similar to these. people talking about downloading fics to read on a tablet only for them to disappear the next day. using the wayback machine and combing through results, just to find something they loved. i think it’s sweet because it’s so human—how easily we love something, and how easily we lose it. i used to print out my favourite fics, as a kid—i still have a binder of them, buried under yearbooks and the old journals i kept during those topsy turvy preteen years. i could tell you the overarching plot to a Cardcaptor Sakura fantasy AU i read (and loved; it became my personality for months afterwards) but i can’t remember how it ended, or if it even did. i finally broke down and signed up for an account on AO3 specifically to bookmark an old, old fic that i had read somewhere else, years and years and years ago and found again on AO3 only because i accidentally stumbled on the author here on tumblr (i had only found the fic in the first place all those years ago because of a playlist). i used the same shade of lipstick for years purely because a fic i really liked had the main character apply it (it was a limited edition one at the time; i bought my first one from a ebay seller in the UK at double the retail price, lmao) while the love interest watched them, but i can’t remember the name of it, only how it made me feel (and how, for years afterwards, i would wear that shade whenever i felt like the day had something promising to it).

one of the first anon’s i ever got, in the early days of this tumblr, was someone who asked me if it was okay if they downloaded surrender—and of course it was. of course it is. there was a point, during the final stretch when i was trying to write the last chapter, that i almost lost the entirety of what i had written for that fic—and i mean, it was on AO3 by that stage so it would’ve only set me back a chapter or so, but it goes to show how fragile things can be. how sometimes fics only last in tiny ways—because of the unfinished PDF file someone downloads. The patchy memory of someone’s who’s jumbling it and three other fics together. Because someone wore the same shade of lipstick you mentioned, off-hand, for years afterwards.

(this is a love letter to the silent readers; the silent savers. the lurkers. fandom and the internet at large is made of lurkers (eighty-five thousand likes. seven hundred comments). people who saved fics and waybacked them and will reread them, even uncompleted. telling each other we did a good job, that we liked this or we liked that is wonderful, and fun, and a great (and important) way to build a community and has also given me my current friends—but sometimes something you make will matter and live on in a way you will never, ever know. and it’s just how it is. it’s part of the fun and it’s part of the charm. it’s just how we work as people.)

[burningvelvet]

random excerpts from lord byron’s diaries that feel like tumblr posts from the 1800s

“My mind is a fragment.”

“I am too lazy to shoot myself.”

“Here I am, alone, instead of dining at Lord H.'s, where I was asked—but not inclined to go any where. Hobhouse says I am growing a ‘loup garou,’ a solitary hobgoblin. True.”

“Sleepy, and must go to bed.”

“Whether ‘Hell will be paved with’ those ‘good intentions,’ I know not.”

“Got up—redde the Morning Post containing [..] a paragraph on me as long as my pedigree, and vituperative, as usual.”

“I wonder what the devil is the matter with me! I can do nothing, and fortunately there is nothing to do.”

“Last night, party at Lansdowne House. Tonight, party at Lady Charlotte Greville's—deplorable waste of time, and something of temper. Nothing imparted—nothing acquired—talking without ideas:—if any thing like thought in my mind, it was not on the subjects on which we were gabbling. Heigho!—and in this way half London pass what is called life. Tomorrow there is Lady Heathcote's—shall I go? yes—to punish myself for not having a pursuit.”

“What a strange thing is the propagation of life! A bubble of Seed which may be spilt in a whore’s lap – or in the orgasm of a voluptuous dream – might (for aught we know) have formed a Caesar or a Buonaparte.”

“Oh that face!—by te, Diva potens Cypri, I would, to be beloved by that woman, build and burn another Troy.”

“I have found increasing upon me (without sufficient cause at times) the depression of Spirits (with few intervals), which I have some reason to believe constitutional or inherited.”

“I shall soon be six-and-twenty (January 22d., 1814). Is there any thing in the future that can possibly console us for not being always twenty-five?”

“Past events have unnerved me; and all I can now do is to make life an amusement, and look on while others play. After all, even the highest game of crowns and sceptres, what is it?”

“Redde a little—wrote notes and letters, and am alone, which Locke says is bad company. ‘Be not solitary, be not idle.’—Um!—the idleness is troublesome; but I can't see so much to regret in the solitude. The more I see of men, the less I like them. If I could but say so of women too, all would be well. Why can't I? I am now six-and-twenty; my passions have had enough to cool them; my affections more than enough to wither them,—and yet—and yet—always yet and but—‘Excellent well, you are a fishmonger—get thee to a nunnery.’—‘They fool me to the top of my bent.’” (Quotations from Hamlet)

“I wish I could settle to reading again,—my life is monotonous, and yet desultory. I take up books, and fling them down again. I began a comedy, and burnt it because the scene ran into reality;—a novel, for the same reason. In rhyme, I can keep more away from facts; but the thought always runs through, through ... yes, yes, through. I have had a letter from Lady Melbourne—the best friend I ever had in my life, and the cleverest of women.”

“As to opinions, I don't think politics worth an opinion.”

“Tells Dallas that my rhymes are very popular in the United States. These are the first tidings that have ever sounded like Fame to my ears—to be redde on the banks of the Ohio!”

“This journal is a relief. When I am tired—as I generally am—out comes this, and down goes every thing. But I can't read it over; and God knows what contradictions it may contain. If I am sincere with myself (but I fear one lies more to one's self than to any one else), every page should confute, refute, and utterly abjure its predecessor.”

“Mr. Murray has offered me one thousand guineas for The Giaour and The Bride of Abydos. I won't—it is too much, though I am strongly tempted, merely for the say of it. No bad price for a fortnight's (a week each) what?—the gods know—it was intended to be called poetry.”

“I will not be the slave of any appetite. If I do err, it shall be my heart, at least, that heralds the way. Oh, my head—how it aches?—the horrors of digestion! I wonder how Buonaparte's dinner agrees with him?”

“If I had to live over again, I do not Know what I would change in my life, unless it were for not to have lived at all. All history and experience, and the rest, teaches us that the good and evil are pretty equally balanced in this existence, and that what is most to be desired is an easy passage out of it. What can it give us but years? and those have little of good but their ending.”

[taylor-on-your-dash]

Writing Of 1989 Timeline

1989 changed Taylor's career forever. If Red had just sprinkles of pop sounds, 1989 was marketed as a pure pop album from the get-go.

While many fans and critics kind of expected that, it seems like:

Taylor didn't have a clear direction from the start (except for the cohesiveness): “I wanted it to be a sonically cohesive album, and it ended up really being the first I’ve done since Fearless. I also wanted the songs to sound exactly how the emotions felt. I know that’s pretty vague, so I really didn’t know where it was going to go, but I knew that I wanted to work with the collaborators I had such crazy electricity with on Red, like Max Martin. I wanted to do some things that sounded nothing like what we had done before.”

She knew that she didn't want another Red: “When people say that they like one of my albums, like when people told me that Red was their favorite album I'd done, I didn't take that as, 'So, I should make that again'. I took that as, 'Great, awsome, now I wanna make them like this new album just as much if not more than the last album.' But I want them to like it for different reasons.”

She was worried about the change of direction of her music: “I worry about everything. Some days I wake up in a mind-set of, like, ‘Okay, it’s been a good run.’ By afternoon, I could have a change of mood and feel like anything is possible and I can’t wait to make this kind of music I’ve never made before. And then by evening, I could be terrified of the whole thing again. And then at night, I’ll write a song before bed.”

October 17, 2012: [From a Lover Journal] Taylor writes This Love in LA. This will be the last song produced by Nathan Chapman and the only one recorded in Nashville.

“The last time I wrote a poem that ended up being a song, I was writing in my journal and I was writing about something that had happened in my life – it was about a year ago – and I just wrote this really really short poem. It said, 'This love is good /this love is bad / this love is alive back from the dead / these hands had to let it go free / and this love came back to me.' And I just wrote it down, closed the book and put it back on my night stand […] All of a sudden in my head I just started hearing this melody happen, and then I realized that it was going to be a song.”

Handwritten lyrics:

November 18, 2012: Taylor meets Jack Antonoff and his band, fun., for the first time in Frankfurt, Germany, while at the MTV Europe Music Awards. They bond over 80s music.

January 4, 2013: Taylor is seen in a boat without Harry Styles, ready to return to LA from the Virgin Islands.

She will wear the same dress in the Out Of The Woods music video (and also in Look What You Made Me Do)

January 10, 2013: Taylor tweets "Back in the studio. Uh oh...". She will confirm that the song was All You Had To Do Was Stay on October 27, 2014 on Tumblr.

Candids here;

“There’s a song on my album called 'All You Had To Do Was Stay.' I was having this dream, that was actually one of those embarrassing dreams, where you’re mortified in the dream, you’re like humiliated. In the dream, my ex had come to the door to beg for me to talk to him or whatever, and I opened up the door and I went to go say, 'Hi,' or 'What are you doing here?' or something — something normal — but all that came out was this high-pitched singing that said, 'Stay!' It was almost operatic. So I wrote this song, and I used that sound in the song. Weird, right? I woke up from the dream, saying the weird part into my phone, figuring I had to include it in something because it was just too strange not to. In pop, it’s fun to play around with little weird noises like that.”

January 11, 2013: Taylor is seen again at Conway Studios, likely to continue working on All You Had To Do Was Stay.

January 15, 2013: Taylor posts a picture of herself in the studio, with the caption "Somewhere in LA". She'll later reveal that she was writing How You Get The Girl.

“The song ‘How You Get The Girl’ is a song that I wrote about how you get the girl back if you ruined the relationship somehow and she won’t talk to you anymore. Like, if you broke up with her and left her on her own for six months and then you realize you miss her. All the steps you have to do to edge your way back into her life, because she’s probably pretty mad at you. So it’s kind of a tutorial. If you follow the directions in the song, chances are things will work out. Or you may get a restraining order.”

March 6, 2013: Taylor is seen going to a studio in LA.

March 23, 2013: Taylor posts a picture of herself playing guitar, which might mean that she was working on a new song: "Pre show. Columbia, South Carolina". This could be either Wonderland, New Romantics or a vault song.

May 27, 2013: While in Rhode Island for the Memorial Day weekend, Jack plays Taylor an instrumental track that will later become I Wish You Would.

“'I Wish You Would’ is a song that I wrote with Jack Antonoff and it was the first song we ever worked on together. I think, for this song, we wanted to create a sort of John Hughes movie visual with pining and, you know, one person’s over here and misses the other person but is too prideful and won’t say it. Meanwhile this other person is here and missing the same person; they’re missing each other but not saying it. And I had this happen in my life and so I wanted to kind of narrate it in a very cinematic way where it’s like you’re seeing two scenes play out and then in the bridge you’re seeing the final scene, where it resolves itself. So it says, 'It’s a crooked love in a straight line down, makes you wanna run and hide but it makes you turn right back around.’ It kind of is like that dramatic love that’s never really quite where it needs to be and that tension it creates.”

[Voice Memo Intro Transcript] “This is another way I’ve written songs recently. This is a song I did with Jack Antonoff, and Jack is one of my friends and so were hanging out and he pulled out his phone and goes ‘I made this amazing track the other day. It’s so cool, I love these guitar sounds.’ And he played it for me and immediately I could hear this finished song in my head, and I just said ‘Please, please let me have that. Let me play with it, send it to me.’ And so he sent it to me and I was on tour and this was me playing the track on my laptop recording me singing the vocal into my phone and it ended up being a song called 'I Wish You Would', because Jack wrote back and said ‘I love that’. So this is another way of writing, it’s writing to track.”

[Secret Sessions] “Taylor said that she wrote ‘I Wish You Would’ a couple of months after her and Harry Styles broke up, and they decided to become friends again and she said this was the first time she had become friends with an ex, to the point where they were comfortable enough to talk about why the relationship didn’t work out. She said he told her about how, after they broke up, he bought a house literally one road adjacent to hers. Every day he would drive home, and accidentally turn into her street, and he told her how he just wanted to stop at her house and see her, but he never did. She said this song is about while he was in the car making the decision to get out the car and see her, she was sitting in her bedroom, wishing he would make the move and go back to her and just pitch up at her house. She compared it to a classic John Hughes movie where both parties want the same thing but neither has the guts to say anything. Honestly, she spoke so fondly of that relationship.” [this is from a secret sessioner and therefore it should be taken with a grain of salt]

Between May 28 and June 2, 2013: Taylor writes I Wish You Would. She settled in Rhode Island basically all summer, so it's possible that she went to Jack's studio in New York by car without being seen and especially photographed, cause I couldn't find any pictures with the same outfit. Conway Studios are also credited but it's possible that she recorded background vocals there. Taylor was in LA in late August.

June 7, 2013: During an interview at the CMA Music Festival, Taylor confirms that she has started writing her next album.

[Transcript by me] “[The new album] is starting, all the anxiety is starting and when the anxiety starts, then the writing happens right afterward usually. I like to write for about two years before I'm finished with an album because at this point I kind of know that whenever I read in the first year is going to get away, because I'm going to like it but it's going to sound a little bit like the last project I had, and the second year usually ends up sounding like the next project. So I think at this point I feel like staying the same is the easy way to go but it's not the way that I want to go creatively. I think you need to challenge yourself, I think you need to change up your influences, I think you need to be inspired by different things that you've been inspired by before. It's harder to call people you don't know, it's harder to think of topics you haven't covered and think of new ways to say old emotions that everyone feels. I think one of the things that I'm happiest with in the last year is the acceptance level in country music for me experimenting and for me trying to evolve and challenge myself musically because I think it's never felt better to be on that stadium stage performing knowing that and so welcoming of change.”

July 13, 2013: After a show in New Jersey, Taylor has an interview with Rolling Stone, where she says that she has been writing a lot.

“The floodgates just opened the last couple weeks,” she says of the songwriting process. “I’m getting to that point where I’m irritating to be around because I’ll be with you for half the conversation and then the second half of the conversation I’m clearly editing the second verse of whatever I’m writing in my head. I really loved collaborating: you work with a lot of different people and you find the people you have this dream connection with in the studio. I know those people and I know the ones I want to go back to. But I also have a really long list of the people I admire and I would really love to go and contact. So that’s kind of where that is. I think that the idea of having a different approach to every single one of my albums is so exciting to me. I never want to make the same record twice. Why do it? What’s the point? It’s so overwhelming that when you’re starting a project there are such endless possibilities if you’re willing to evolve and experiment. If you’re willing to become a different version of yourself, you can really go anywhere with it. And that’s kind of where I am. The kind of the laboratory experimental stage of really catching onto a new thing that I’m liking.”

Somewhere around June and early September 2013: Taylor and Jack write Sweeter Than Fiction. No credits are available but we know that it's the second song on which Taylor and Jack worked, so that places it before I Wish You Would and Out Of The Woods.

In 2014, Lena Dunham (Jack's girlfriend at the time) posted this photo of Jack and Taylor working on the song at Jack's house.

September 15, 2013: Jack completes the instrumental track that will later become Out Of The Woods, after his show was cancelled.

[Jack Antonoff] “When I did the track for Out of the Woods, which is a Taylor song that I'm really proud of, there was some issue at a venue and our show was canceled that night and I didn't have my stuff, I had left it on the bus, so I only had these old samples on what was on my laptop, and caught up that 'oh oh'' thing, and I only had one drum kit on there, and these dumb little things sometimes turn into a great song.”

Somewhere around September and October 2013: Taylor writes Out Of The Woods.

Voice memo here;

[Jack Antonoff] Although Antonoff and Swift shared studio time for some of their other 1989 songs while working throughout 2014, “Out of the Woods” was completed as a long-distance collaboration. “She’s very natural -— when she gets an idea, it just happens very quickly. I would send her these tracks, and when an idea would happen, we’d be 5,000 miles apart or whatever, but she would start emailing me these voice notes like crazy and it would just be happening so quickly that there’d be this excitement. There’s a frantic feeling in the song,” he says. “What’s interesting about ‘Out of the Woods’ is that it doesn’t really let up. It starts with a pretty big anthemic vocal sample that’s me, and then there’s a drum sample that kicks in that’s kind of huge, and then you don’t really know how you’re going to get any bigger, but then the chorus hits and it just explodes even larger. And then the bridge hits, and it gets even more huge.“When I was working on the track, I was thinking a lot about My Morning Jacket,” Antonoff continues, “and how everything they do, every sound is louder than the last, and somehow it feels like everything is just f—ing massive. And that’s the feeling that I went for. It started out big, and then I think the obvious move would have been to do a down chorus, but the idea was to keep pushing.” Antonoff is excited to share the rest of his work with Swift on 1989, but he views “Out of the Woods” as a highlight on the project. “This song means a great deal to me. On a production level, on a writing level, Taylor’s lyrics and her melodies — there’s something very important about this song.”

[Jack Antonoff] “After 'I Wish You Would' and 'Sweeter Than Fiction', we did 'Out Of The Woods'. So it was the third thing we worked on together, and probably the easiest. I sent her the track for it, and she sent back a voice note with the verse and chorus in what felt like five seconds. And it was just perfect. It's eerie how similar it is to what the final product is.”

“It kind of conjured up all these feelings of anxiety I had in a relationship where everybody was watching, everybody was commenting on it. You’re constantly just feeling like, ‘Are we out of the woods yet? What’s the next thing gonna be? What’s the next hurdle we’re gonna have to jump over?’ It was interesting to write about a relationship where you’re just honestly like, ‘This is probably not gonna last, but how long is it gonna last?’ Those fragile relationships... It doesn’t mean they’re not supposed to happen. The whole time we were having happy memories, or crazy memories, or ridiculously anxious times, in my head it was just like, ‘Are we okay yet? Are we there yet? Are we out of this yet?’”

“That line is in there because it's not only the actual, literal narration of what happened in a particular relationship I was in, it's also a metaphor. 'Hit the brakes too soon' could mean the literal sense of, we got in an accident and we had to deal with the aftermath. But also, the relationship ended sooner than it should've because there was a lot of fear involved. And that song touches on a huge sense of anxiety that was, kind of, coursing through that particular relationship, because we really felt the heat of every single person in the media thinking they could draw up the narrative of what we were going through and debate and speculate. I don't think it's ever going to be easy for me to find love and block out all those screaming voices.”

October 21, 2013: Sweeter Than Fiction is released. Big Machine was originally not on board with the release since they wanted a dormant period between album releases.

Late 2013: Taylor writes Bad Blood, after Katy Perry announces her Prismatic World Tour.

“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends,or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?’ Then last year, the other star crossed a line. She did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational – you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”

“That was about losing a friend... But then people cryptically tweet about what you meant. I never said anything that would point a finger in the specific direction of one specific person, and I can sleep at night knowing that. I knew the song would be assigned to a person, and the easiest mark was someone who I didn’t want to be labeled with this song. It was not a song about heartbreak. It was about the loss of friendship.”

October 20 to 22, 2013: Taylor is in Cape Town (South Africa) shooting The Giver. One of the members of the cast is Alexsander Skarsgård. He is said to have inspired Wildest Dreams (or at least he's the most popular theory, as far as I know), because the music video is set in Africa and it features Clint Eastwood's son Scott as love interest, just like Alexsander is actor Stellan Skarsgård's son, but we don't actually know more about the song.

“I think the way I used to approach relationships was very idealistic. I used to go into them thinking, ‘Maybe this is the one – we’ll get married and have a family, this could be forever’. Whereas now I go in thinking, ‘How long do we have on the clock – before something comes along and puts a wrench in it, or your publicist calls and says this isn’t a good idea?’”

Note: Selena Gomez was present when Taylor wrote this song.

Handwritten lyrics:

November 19, 2013: Taylor records Blank Space. This is based on the wall behind her on an Instagram post from this day, the credits, and the behind the scenes clip.

Voice memo here;

Behind the Scenes here;

“Every few years, the media finds something they unanimously agree is annoying about me. 2012-2013 they thought I was dating too much, because I dated two people in a year and a half. ‘Oh, a serial dater. She only writes songs to get emotional revenge on guys. She’s a man-hater, don’t let her near your boyfriend.’ It was kind of excessive and at first it was hurtful, but then I found a little bit of comedy in it. This character is so interesting, though. If you read these gossip sites, they describe how I am so opposite to my actual life: I’m clingy, and I’m awful, and I throw fits, and there’s drama. An emotionally fragile, unpredictable mess. I painted a whole picture of this character. She lives in a mansion with marble floors, she wears Dolce & Gabbana around the house, and she wears animal print unironically. So I created this whole character and I had fun doing it.”

November 21, 2013: While at the American Music Awards, Taylor tells Billboard that she has around seven or eight songs ready.

[Transcript] “We got a lot already,” says Swift. “There are probably seven or eight songs that I know I want on the record. It’s really ahead of schedule for me. I’m just stoked because it’s already evolved into a new sound, and that’s all I wanted. And I would have taken two years to make that happen, but it just kind of happened naturally, so that’s all I could really ask for.”

December 2013: Taylor meets Diane Warren and they write Say, Don't Go.

[Diane Warren to Rolling Stone] Warren, who typically writes on her own, says the two of them “sat down and wrote the song,” which was released Friday as one of 1989 (Taylor’s Version)‘s vault tracks, “from scratch” during the last few days of 2013. She remembers being impressed with how specific Swift was with her lyricism and how considerate she was about how her fans might receive it. “She was very particular about how she said certain things. It was a really interesting experience. She gets her audience,” Warren says. “She’s deeply aware of how her fans want to hear something. I can’t explain it, but that’s probably why she’s the biggest fucking star in the world.”

2013: Taylor writes New Romantics and Wonderland. Not much is known about these songs, except that they were both written in 2013.

[About New Romantics] “People will say, 'Let me set you up with someone', and I’m just sitting there saying, ‘That’s not what I’m doing. I’m not lonely. I’m not looking.’ They just don’t get it. I’ve learned that just because someone is cute and wants to date you, that’s not a reason to sacrifice your independence and allow everyone to say whatever they want about you. I’m not doing that anymore. It’d take someone really special for me to undergo the circumstances I have to go through to experience a date. I don’t know how I would ever have another person in my world trying to have a relationship with me, or a family.”

New Romantics handwritten lyrics:

Wonderland Handwritten lyrics:

January 1, 2014: Taylor records Say, Don't Go.

[Diane Warren to Rolling Stone] Several days after writing the song together, they got into Warren’s office to record a demo, where Swift played it on her acoustic guitar. “We demoed it on New Year’s Day. And I’m a workaholic, and that’s fine for me,” she says. “But I remember being impressed that she did, too. Everybody’s on vacation, but she showed up.”

January 6, 2014: Taylor decides to look for a house in New York.

[Lover Journal] LA. So I've decided I want to look at places in New York. I know I went through this phase months ago, but it has to mean something that i've circled back to it, right? You know what they say, if you love something let it go and if it comes back... blah blah blah. so I'm leaving the day after tomorrow. Dating is awful. Love is fiction/ a myth. I'm over it all.

January 21, 2014: Taylor sends Ryan Tedder the I Know Places Voice Memo.

January 22, 2014: [From the 1989 Booklet] Taylor and Ryan finish and record I Know Places.

“I had this idea of like, when you’re in love, along the lines of 'Out of the Woods’, it’s very precious, it’s fragile. As soon as the world gets ahold of it, whether it’s your friends or people around town hear about it... it’s kind of like the first thing people want to do when they hear that people are in love is just kind of try to ruin it. I kind of was in a place where I was like, ‘No one is gonna sign up for this. There are just too many cameras pointed at me. There are too many ridiculous elaborations on my life. It’s just not ever gonna work.‘ But I decided to write a love song, just kind of like, ‘What would I say if I met someone really awesome and they were like, hey, I’m worried about all this attention you get?’ So I wrote this song called ‘I Know Places’ about, ‘Hey, I know places we can hide. We could outrun them.’ I’m so happy that it sounds like the urgency that it sings.”

January 23, 2014: Taylor and Ryan Tedder write Welcome To New York. Ryan produces a demo in three hours. This demo is the one included in the album.

“I wanted to start 1989 with this song because New York has been an important landscape and location for the story of my life in the last couple of years. I dreamt and obsessed over moving to New York, and then I did it. The inspiration that I found in that city is hard to describe and to compare to any other force of inspiration I’ve ever experienced in my life. It’s an electric city.”

[Ryan Tedder] “I thought we were going to walk in and start something from scratch because that's what I was used to. Then she calls me and says, 'Is it cool if I already have an idea?' I said, 'Sure.' She said, 'I have this song, I'm obsessed with New York and I just moved there, I want to write an ode to New York because no one's done it in a long time.' And then she sent me a voice memo. She's like, 'I want it to sound like the 1980s.' So the next day I brought in a Juno-106, which is a very 1980s keyboard, and I literally programmed that entire song right in front of her. It was very much on the fly, and that song was done in about three hours. And I did the rest of the production I think later that week.”

Handwritten lyrics:

January 26, 2014: Night of the 56th Grammy Awards. Taylor delivers a legendary performance of All Too Well, but loses the Album Of The Year Award to Random Access Memory by Daft Punk. This will prompt Taylor to make a "sonically cohesive" pop album.

[Lover Journal] January 25th. LA. It's the middle of the night and I was at the Clive Davis Party tonight which means... the Grammys are tomorrow. Never have I felt so good about our chances. Never have I wanted something as badly as I want to hear them say 'Red' is the Album of the Year.

“It was the night of the Grammys this year. I remember going home and playing a lot of the new music I had recorded for some of my backup singers and one of my best friends. We were all sitting in the kitchen and I was playing them all this music, and they were just saying, ‘You know, this is very eighties. It’s very clear to us that this is so eighties.’ We were just talking and talking about how it’s kind of a rebirth in a new genre, how that’s a big, bold step. Kind of starting a part of your career over. When they left that night, I just had this very clear moment of, ‘It’s gotta be called 1989.’”

“I woke up one morning at 4 a.m. and I decided the album is called 1989. I’ve been making ‘80s synth pop, I’m just gonna do that. I’m calling it a pop record. I’m not listening to anyone at my label. I’m starting tomorrow. I liked the idea of collaborating. But with 1989 I decided to narrow down the list. It wasn’t going to be 10 producers, it was going to be a very small team of four or five people I always wanted to work with, or loved working with. And Max Martin and I were going to oversee it, and we were going to make a sonically cohesive record again.”

January 2014: Taylor writes You Are In Love. This is actually speculation but it's based on (1) Taylor going to NY in early January and (2) Jack Antonoff confirming that it was the fourth song they did and (3) it's the only Antonoff-produced song that is copyrighted in 2014. Based on the credits, I'm pretty sure that Taylor and Jack worked on the song separately, with Jack recording the instrumental at the Jungle City Studios in NY (which is a studio that Jack used in 2014 to record Bleachers' first album Strange Desire) and Taylor recording the vocals at Conway Studio in LA.

“I wrote it with my friend Jack Antonoff who’s dating my friend Lena. Jack sent me this song, it was just an instrumental track he was working on and immediately I knew the song it needed to be. And I wrote it as a kind of commentary on what their relationship has been like. So it’s actually me looking and going, ‘This happened and that happened, then that happened and that’s how you knew you are in love.’”

“I’ve never had that, so I wrote that song about things that Lena Dunham has told me about her and Jack Antonoff. That’s just basically stuff she’s told me. And I think that that kind of relationship — God, it sounds like it would just be so beautiful — would also be hard. It would also be mundane at times.”

“We first worked on that song together and realized we kind of have a good thing, and the next thing we did was ‘Sweeter Than Fiction,’ which was on the [One Chance] soundtrack, and after that we did ‘Out of the Woods’ and another song called ‘You Are in Love.’

January 26, 2014: At the Grammy's, Diane Warren reveals that she and Taylor wrote a song together (aka Say, Don't Go).

[Transcript] “I worked with Taylor Swift on a great song. I don't even know what she's done [for her next album], I'm excited about the one that we did, it's pretty cool.”

[Billboard 2016 Interview] “I know [Swift] likes it, so hopefully it will see the light of day. I know she really likes the song. She didn’t want me to give it away, so hopefully that means she wants it.”

February 9, 2014: [From the 1989 Booklet] While in London, during the European leg of the Red Tour, Taylor and Imogen Heap write Clean in just 9 hours at Imogen's home studio. Taylor will sing the song just two times.

Voice memo here;

“'Clean' I wrote as I was walking out of Liberty in London. Someone I used to date – it hit me that I’d been in the same city as him for two weeks and I hadn’t thought about it. When it did hit me, it was like, ‘Oh, I hope he’s doing well’. And nothing else. And you know how it is when you’re going through heartbreak. A heartbroken person is unlike any other person. Their time moves at a completely different pace than ours. It’s this mental, physical, emotional ache and feeling so conflicted. Nothing distracts you from it. Then time passes, and the more you live your life and create new habits, you get used to not having a text message every morning saying, ‘Hello, beautiful. Good morning.’ You get used to not calling someone at night to tell them how your day was. You replace these old habits with new habits, like texting your friends in a group chat all day, and planning fun dinner parties, and going out on adventures with your girlfriends, and then all of a sudden one day you’re in London and you realize you’ve been in the same place as your ex for two weeks and you’re fine. And you hope he’s fine. The first thought that came to my mind was – I’m finally clean.”

“'Clean' is the last song on the album for a lot of reasons, but mostly because it felt like the complication of this emotional process I’ve been going through for the last couple of years. You know, I feel like my personal life was really, really discussed, and criticized, and debated, and talked about to a point where it made me feel almost kind of tarnished, in a way. And the discussion wasn’t about music. It broke my heart that I had made an album that I was proud of, and I was touring the world, and playing sold-out stadiums, and still they managed to only want to talk about my personal life. At a certain point I felt a switch and it was at the end of recording this album that I began to feel like my life was mine again and my music was at the forefront again. I was living my life on my own terms and I really no longer cared what people were saying about me. That was when I started so see people talk less about the things that didn’t matter.”

“I had this metaphor in my head about being in this house, there’s been a drought but you feel like there’s a storm coming. Instead of trying to block out the storm you punch a hole in the roof and just let all the rain come in, and when you wake up in the morning, it’s washed away.”

[Imogen Heap] “We met at my studio in London. She had the bare bones of “Clean.” She had the lyric, the chorus and the chords. I thought it was brilliant.I was really writing the tiniest amount just to help her do what she does. I put some noises, played various instruments on it, including drums, and anytime she expressed she liked something I was doing, I did it more. It was a really fun day. She recorded all her vocals during that one session. She did two takes, and the second take was it. We always thought she would probably re-record it, because we thought it can’t possibly be that easy. But after we lived with it for a few months, we felt it was great. I knew she loved it. She said she loved it and her mum loved it. But I wasn’t sure it would be included on the album. But everyone felt it had something special. It came together really magically.”

Imogen's detailed blog entry about this songwriting session.

[Taylor about Imogen Heap] “The coolest thing about Imogen for me was that there was no one else in the studio. There was no assistant; there was no engineer. It was her doing everything.”

February 11, 2014: Taylor gets a haircut. (I'm including this for funsies)

February 15, 2014: Taylor, Max Martin and Shellback write Shake It Off.

Voice memo here;

[Lover Journal] LA. This week I've been in the studio with Max and Johan every day and it has been the most creatively successful and fulfilling time. The first day, Johan just made a really up tempo drum beat because we decided we needed something up and light. We worked at it for a few hours before i just started singing "shake it off, shake it off, shake it off" And then the best way i know how to describe it is that the chorus just fell out of the sky. It ended up being this song about doing your own thing even though haters are gonna hate, and you just have to dance to your own beat. We all went home and I wrote the first and second verses and brought them in the next day. We wrote this chanty cheer leader bridge that I absolutely LOVE. We spent all day doing vocals and the next day recording the background vocals. I think it'll end up being the first single and Max said it's his favorite song he's ever been a part of.

[Max Martin during the lawsuit] “Shellback started out with a drumbeat. Shellback, Taylor, and I then collaboratively developed the melody and other lines of ‘Shake It Off’ to Shellback’s drumbeat. I did not write or provide any input into any lyrics in ‘Shake It Off,’ which were written entirely by Taylor.”

“I've had every part of my life dissected – my choices, my actions, my words, my body, my style, my music. When you live your life under that kind of scrutiny, you can either let it break you, or you can get really good at dodging punches. And when one lands, you know how to deal with it. And I guess the way that I deal with it is to shake it off.”

“The message in the song is a problem I think we all deal with and an issue we deal with on a daily basis. We don’t live just in a celebrity takedown culture, we live in a takedown culture. People will find anything about you and twist it to where it’s weird or wrong or annoying or strange or bad. You have to not only live your life in spite of people who don’t understand you, you have to have more fun than they do.”

February 19, 2014: Taylor, Max Martin, Shellback and Ali Payami write Style. This is the last song made for the album.

“I loved comparing these timeless visuals with a feeling that never goes out of style. It's basically one of those relationships that's always a bit off. The two people are trying to forget each other. So, it's like, 'All right, I heard you went off with her, and well, I've done that, too.' My previous albums have also been sort of like, 'I was right, you were wrong, you did this, it made me feel like this' – a righteous sense of right and wrong in a relationship. What happens when you grow up is you realize the rules in a relationship are very blurred and that it gets very complicated very quickly, and there's not a case of who was right or who was wrong.”

“This song is about those relationships that are never really done. You always kind of have that person, that one person who you feel might interrupt your wedding and be like, ‘Don’t do it cause we’re not over yet.'”

[Guitarist Niklas Ljungfelt] “I played on “Style,” a song I started with Ali Payami for ourselves. He was playing it for Max Martin at his studio; Taylor overheard it and loved it. She and Max wrote new lyrics. But I recorded the guitar on it before it was a Taylor song. It was an instrumental. I didn’t have a clue that Taylor would sing on it. The inspiration came from Daft Punk and funky electronic music.”

1989 is officially done!

[Taylor On Ryan Seacrest] “I'm pretty sure after we finished this one I knew the record was done. Shake It Off and Style were the last two songs to be written for 1989.”

February 19, 2014: While on tour, Ryan Tedder produces another three versions of Welcome To New York.

[Ryan Tedder interview] “I was in Switzerland on a tour bus, and I did four versions of 'Welcome to New York,' one of which I liked personally more, but the thing about artists is they become very obsessed with the demo. She was in love with the demo so no matter how hard I fought, she brought it back to the demo, so really what you hear is what I did on the first day.”

March 22, 2014: Billboard reports that Taylor and Ryan Tedder have worked together in LA in January

March 24, 2014: [From a Lover Journal] Taylor moves to New York.

[Lover Journal] So in the last few weeks, I've completely moved into my apartment in Tribeca. That's right, I'm writing this from my new bed in my new place, watching Law and Order with Meredith. Strangely, I've never felt more busy.

May 1, 2014: 1989 Photoshoot (I got this date from an insider)

May 29, 2014: [From a Lover Journal] Taylor chooses another photo for the cover, after having a nightmare of the previous one being not enough.

May 30, 2014: Taylor chooses the album cover.

[Lover Journal] Shanghai. So we got to China at around 2pm and I knew it would completely ruin me if I slept when i got to the hotel, so I decided to work out. WHY IS THIS PEN RUNNING OUT?! Just went to my purse and got my pen. So a crazy story unfolded in the last 24 hours. Last night, I had this vivid dream where the photo I'd chosen for the album cover wasn't good enough, intriguing enough, artful enough. it woke me up. I couldn't shake it and it stayed with me all day. Because that nagging feeling I'd been pushing back for weeks was now confirmed in my gut... it wasn't good enough. I went to the venue, mind racing, wandering if I'd have to do an entirely new photo shoot... I got to my dressing room with newer versions of the "cover" I looked at it and felt nothing. The team pulled up this new scanned file of the polaroids we had taken during the shoot. I saw it within 10 seconds. The shot. The cover. It's a polaroid of me sitting against a beige wall with a blue seagull sweatshirt on. You can see my red lips but the photo cuts off my eyes. For some reason unknown to me it's the most intriguing photo i've seen. I think it's the mystery of not seeing my eyes. Maybe it just looks effortlessly cool. The craziest moment came when something caught my eye. The cover photo is photo 13. I kid you not. I played a sold out show in Shanghai tonight and the crowd was amazing. Tomorrow we go to Tokyo, where they'll have the whole ticker tape parade at the airport. Smile and wave...

Mid To Late 2014: Taylor and Jack write Now That We Don't Talk.

[Tumblr Music] "Now That We Don't Talk is one of my favorite songs that was left behind. It was so hard to leave it behind, but I think we wrote it a little bit towards the end of the process, and we couldn't get the production right at the time. But we had tons of time to perfect the production this time, and figure out what we wanted the song to sound like, and I just think it's, I think it's the shortest song I've ever had. I think it packs a punch. I think it really goes in for the short amount of time we have, I think it makes its point."

Conclusive notes

What 1989 represented for Taylor:

“The 1980s was a very experimental time in pop music. People realized songs didn't have to be this standard drums-guitar-bass-whatever. We can make a song with synths and a drum pad. We can do group vocals for the entire song. We can do so many different things. And I think what you saw happening with music was also happening in our culture, where people were just wearing whatever crazy colors they wanted to, because why not? There just seemed to be this energy about endless opportunities, endless possibilities, endless ways you could live your life. And so with this record, I thought, 'There are no rules to this. I don't need to use the same musicians I've used, or the same band, or the same producers, or the same formula. I can make whatever record I want.'”

“In the past, I've written mostly about heartbreak or pain that was caused by someone else and felt by me. On this album, I'm writing about more complex relationships, where the blame is kind of split 50–50 ... even if you find the right situation relationship-wise, it's always going to be a daily struggle to make it work.”

Bonus: Secret Messages

Author's note: I wrote this timeline around 2 years ago. While I found some dates later on, this is 100% my research. If you use this timeline for your posts, research or whatever, PLEASE, credit me! I'd be very thankful. This is 2 years of work.

Links to my other Timelines:

Writing of Fearless Timeline

Writing of Speak Now Timeline

Writing of Red Timeline

My Spreadsheet with a timeline overview

Credits:

Most of the quotes have been copy-pasted from Taylor Swift Switzerland.

Taylor Swift Pictures for the candids.

Heather from Nerdy by Nature for the WTNY handwritten lyrics picture.

[danieyells]

Hello! Thank you so much for posting the guys’ voicelines! If it’s not too much trouble, could I ask for Yuri’s and Ritsu’s? I’ve been especially curious about Yuri’s since reading his line at the beginning of the game if you choose him lol Again, thank you so much!!

(i posted ritsu's separately!)

no anon you may not study yuri. yuri studies you. how dare you. bad guinea pig! you get no experiment tonight!

the rest of you, however, may come appreciate the good doctor with me. You can come too studying anon i won't tell yuri

some of his lines really kinda subverted my expectations of his character? /affectionate) like i thought he would be quite different! not to say his profile is dishonest, but. . .idk lol i love him he's. . .he's special.

Default:

"What are you dawdling for? Change out of those rags and report to my lab immediately!"

"You should feel honored to be chosen as the test subject of Dr. Yuri Isami, genius and visionary!"

"Jiro! Jiro!! What on earth are you doing!?"

he calls for jiro the way a parent calls for their kid who's minding their business in another room--

"Lowbrow schools of thought with the gall to oppose my research will bear a mark of shame for generations to come. One day, the world will be forced to acknowledge me."

i realized this early on since i chose him in the pre-prologue so i always had access to him on the home screen but. since anomalies have to be kept secret from the world he kind of can't be acknowledged for what he does in the long run, can he? since he specifically works in anomalous medical sciences much of what he does and works with has to be kept only within the institute's understandings. . . .

"I always preserve the lives of my patients. I cannot make guarantees for any other parts of them, however."

sure you're a disembodied head in a jar but you are a living disembodied head in a jar! don't worry they'll get you a new body!!

"I ask their cooperation for the sake of the future of humanity, and this is what I get!? Jiro, how much do we have left in our research budget!?"

You've Got Mail:

"What madness is this? Why do you have unread messages!? Check them immediately! Research is a race against time!"

Affinity 1:

"What a bracing morning. Jiro, prepare my wake-up tonic."

is 'wake-up tonic' a fancy way of saying coffee or do you have some mixture of herbs and spices that wakes you up

Affinity 2:

"Are you injured or ill? Oh dear, how unfortunate. I shall begin the experi— Ahem, the treatment, immediately."

the way he says this is so incredible but tumblr will not let me upload the video for some reason he is so hype to try putting strange things in you.

Affinity 3:

"Jiro's not feeling well, you say? Very well. I shall test my latest formula on him."

Affinity 4:

"Oh, it's you. And here I thought I had a patient. I am currently reviewing today's lessons, so please leave unless you're here for treatment."

he's very studious for a genius. not a lot of the ghouls actually go to class.

Affinity 5:

"Wha... Wh-Where did you come from!? Th-Th-Th-This!? It is a medical journal! The Ace Doctor Wows Minds In Another World Thesis!"

MY GUY IS READING ISEKAI MANGA ABOUT DOCTORS AND PROJECTING do you think he reads like hentai about doctors and scientists too. probably not right he's too haughty to think about things like that before they happen

Affinity 6:

"The only blood I stain myself with is that atop the operating table. On missions, I have Jiro to fight in my stead."

it's okay to say you're just not much of a fighter lmao

Affinity 7:

"Anomalous medical science is uncharted territory. Should I become its pioneer, all will bow before my intellect until the end of time... Ha ha... Ah ha ha ha ha!"

Affinity 8:

"Hmph. We have no time to spare on your drivel. Hurry up, Jiro!"

Affinity 9:

"It's about time for Jiro's check-up... Hm? Wake up, Jiro! I've discovered an abnormality already!"

Affinity 10:

"Hmm, this case is somewhat complex... No, there's no need for my expertise here. Jiro, prepare to operate immediately."

'this is too complicated for a human but not too complicated to be jiro's problem!' disregard that jiro may be smarter than him. . . .

Affinity 11:

"Prepare the new formula, Jiro. A specimen has arrived. What? You're not here for treatment?"

listen sometimes you just wanna pay someone a visit! it's not my fault you live in a goddamn hospital.

Affinity 12:

"I will soon be finished with today's lessons— then I shall return to the lab to confirm the status of my latest test subject."

this is between 11 and 4pm, so you're basically just hearing him talk about his plans for after school lmao just normal student things!!!

Affinity 13:

"Why yes, I attended every lesson today, as always. All studies are linked, after all. Though it takes a mind such as mine to recognize that."

I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT HARD TO SEE THE LINK BETWEEN MEDICINE AND EVERYTHING. . .UNLESS YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ILLNESSES OR MEDICINE. . . .

Affinity 14:

"What is that slovenly visage, worm? Tell me, do you have an excuse for looking more emaciated than me when I spent all night researching? I didn't think so!"

would you like my laundry list of reasons i look tired yuri because i can get it

Affinity 15:

"I must personally administer Jiro's shots three times a day. The treatment is rather unique, you see."

'you see i use my peni--'

Affinity 16:

"You have business with Jiro? Not before bringing it to me, you don't. He is merely my assistant—as house captain, it is I who possesses the authority."

no talking to his son assistant without going through him first! sorry anon who asked for an appointment with jiro yuri has to approve it

Affinity 17:

"I'm busy with my experiments. Go back to your dorm and ready yourself for your next appointment. Jiro, see her home."

i feel like he doesn't want you to see what he does to his other test subjects. . .not because they die or anything, they always live, it's just a little gruesome to see. He's not as rough with you. And he needs to make sure you keep coming back. And he needs to make sure you get home safe, so he's sending Jiro with you.

Affinity 18:

"Even harmful anomalies can have use as medicinal ingredients... This is the sort of immeasurable value my work provides."

isn't that common knowledge in the medical world though. . .i mean obviously getting the right balance is crucial but that's not an entirely new concept, 'let's use the harmful thing for something good'--

Affinity 19:

"Don't forget that body of yours is a vital specimen! Is it not common knowledge that lack of sleep is the root of all illness!?"

DON'T YOU AND JIRO REGULARLY PULL ALL NIGHTERS IF NOT FOR DAYS AT A TIME?????? maybe yuri is just immune to illness. . . .

Affinity 20:

"Good morning, M... M... M... My,  what an adequate morning it is, no!? Hmph... Don't confuse me like that..."

IF YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE YURI IN THE PRE-PROLOGUE IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW. . .when Yuri jumps he says "goodbye, mama."

In Japanese it's somewhat more apparent that he's about to call you 'mama' in the voiceline. Maybe it's just my interpretation based on lines 23 and 24, but I think something happened to his mother where he failed to save her with surgery and at higher affinity he begins to project that need to save terminal/cursed patients' lives on you in particular. And he starts to think of you the way he thinks of his mother, but also as his favorite test subject. That or it's a loop/timeline thing and you're actually his mother--do you guys think he'd be able to be convinced into mommy kink shit he clearly has mommy issues it might help

Affinity 21:

"Mark my words, I'll have those pompous, preening parasites at Frostheim kneeling before me..."

man they do not like frostheim here in mortkranken. the fact that this is so high up is like. . .i wonder if there's some serious beef here.

Affinity 22:

"Jiro's gone!? ...So be it, then. I grant you the privilege of being my assistant for the day. Be grateful, worm."

jiro will come back when he needs his medication, it's fine! woohoo! do we get a nurse outfit!?

Affinity 23:

"There is no life I can't save... There can't be... I am Yuri Isami...the genius visionary doctor..."

it sounds like he's downright scared to fail to save a life.

Affinity 24:

"My next surgery must be a success... I... I cannot afford another failure..."

i am once again assuming his mother died on the operating table while he was trying to save or otherwise help her and he's extremely traumatized by it. on the other hand would he say 'goodbye mama' if she weren't still alive? maybe she's alive but she's in a coma or hospice or critical condition or something. and he's studying anomalous medicine to figure out how to save her.

Affinity 25(max):

"You belong to me. I will never hand you over to another researcher... (gasp) N-N-N-No, you've misunderstood! I-I just...!"

i'm literally the doctor's favorite lab rat because i am so obedient and intelligent and-- he blushes in the second line--he meant it as a test subject/lab rat or assistant thing but he also accidentally said how he really felt at the same time. . . . But you're his, he will be the one to save you, when he stands atop the world as world renowned genius anomalous medical doctor yuri isami you will stand by him as his proudest subject who's helped him confirm many theories and save many others' lives and he will work so hard to keep you well you are his and he doesn't want anyone else to learn what he can learn from you--

Spring:

"Struggling with pollen allergies? I have a new formula here developed in Mortkranken, shall I test it on you?"

"Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm! Hmm hmm hmm! Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm! Pa rum!"

so i don't know enough classical music to be able to tell what the songs he hums are, but if anyone wants to give it a shot i can try uploading the audios of him lol just lmk

"Which house's ghouls are out in the field at present? Oh my, I do hope they come back with some exciting injuries."

i wonder who his favorites to fix up are. . .on the one hand, he hates frostheim. so he might wanna be rougher with them or subject them to more unique experiments and make them admit his intelligence and skill. on the other hand obscuary must be the most interesting ones to work on since they're so unique?

"When did the cherry blossoms bloom...? The changing of the seasons seems rather superfluous when I am engaged in my research."

Summer:

"Jiro, make a record of today's temperature. We need to take the changing climate into for illnesses particular to summer."

"Darkwick will provide me the materials I need for my research, provided they fall within our budget... But that is simply insufficient."

have you tried selling organs? taiga says it's very lucative. surely you have some lying around?

"Hmm...hmm...hmm...hmm... hmm hmm hmm hmm, Pa pa pa pa pa pa rum!"

"Why do you look so distressed? If the heat is proving too much for you, I can prescribe you something to lower your body temperature."

Autumn:

"Why must a peerless genius such as myself be saddled with performing piddling health checks for the new students!? It's asinine!"

aren't you the only legitimate doctor in this place by your own admission!?

"A trip to admire the fall foliage? Why yes, I am interested. After all, I'm sure Jabberwock's mountains possess all sorts of undiscovered ingredients. Let's get going."

just make sure you ask towa before taking anything. . .he might not appreciate you messing with his plants. . . .

"Sports...? Hmph, such nonsense is entirely superfluous to my life. Why needlessly expend energy in such a manner?"

"Hmm hmm, hmm hmm, hmm hmm, hmm, hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmm!"

Winter:

"Freude! Schöner! Götter! Funke! Tochter aus Elyyyyyyysium!"

HE IS SINGING ODE TO JOY IN THE ORIGINAL GERMAN.

"Eureka! A new formula utilizing an anomalous plant that only grows in subzero temperatures has been discovered, by...! Jiro..."

c'mon yuri be proud of your vice captain!

"Our research budget for the new year is nearly spent... Come, Jiro! We're going to negotiate with the faculty!"

"I despise the snow. It brings nothing but revolting memories... There, we're done with today's checkup. Any other questions?"

. . .what happened between Yuri and Frostheim. Or did he hate the snow first and Frostheim just happened to have a lot of it and also piss him off? I WANNA KNOW. Jin also hates Mortkranken and gets mad if you suggest he go there when he's sick so it's possibly mutual???

His birthday:

"You...remembered my birthday!? Ahem... If you wish to give me a present, make it either a talented assistant or a useful test subject."

people don't remember his birthday much i assume. . .or they tend to stay away from him so much he just doesn't get much attention or appreciation.

Your birthday:

"I am here to celebrate your birthday. Do you feel honored? I've prepared a new formula for you. Let's continue this in the lab, shall we?"

your birthday present is being part of more experiments! aren't you honored???

New Years:

"Happy New Year. I am on my way to make my first shrine visit. You didn't think me the type? I-It's just a tradition!"

Valentine's Day:

"Hmm, my blood sugar was just starting to drop. I suppose you do have it in you to be considerate every now and then... Pardon? Valentine's Day? ...(gasp)"

oh he has never gotten valentine's day chocolates before has he. or at least not recently.

White Day:

"I suppose I can concede you have proven yourself useful in the lab, worm. ...This is a token of my gratitude."

he didn't blush when he got the gift but he did blush giving you one so. . .i'm taking it this isn't obligation chocolate.

April Fool's Day:

"Hmph, did you honestly think you could fool me? I won't fall for your cheap tricks. I've already been fooled by Jiro seven times today!"

comically jiro's says he doesn't remember pulling any tricks on yuri at all. . .so yuri may be assuming anything he dislikes or is inconvenienced by is a trick lol

Halloween:

"Trick or treat! I have coordinated the ultimate matching costumes for Jiro and I... Yes, perfect."

the fact that he wanted to match costumes with jiro is so cute. . .like he really has this goofy side that doesn't come out much, but it seems like he enjoys celebrations and relaxed things, he's just too busy to engage in them. he likes isekai manga and holiday traditions and costumes. . .then again there's coordination and order involved in a matching halloween costume. so maybe he just likes the order and structure of it all.

Christmas:

"Merry Christmas. You can hand me my present at your earliest convenience. You did prepare one for me, didn't you!?"

he's surprised you remembered his birthday and valentine's day but he expects a christmas gift???

Idle:

"I am a very busy man, so if you don't require examination, then we're done here."

"Hmph. You really think yourself important enough to make a genius like myself wait around!?"

Absent:

"Where on earth have you been, worm!? Next time you plan on taking an extended leave of absence, I expect you to inform me in advance!"

THERE WE GO. after yesterday where tumblr decided to freak out on me and just fuckin delete it all i'm glad it's out of the way today lol. I REALLY LOVE YURI HE REALLY FEELS SO. . .PATHETIC. he's the self-reinforcing type who really feels the need to hype up his own greatness and reinforce his authority while, as you get closer to him, letting you see how vulnerable he is and how scared he is of failure. and at first you're a specimen and a lab rat but after getting close enough he shoos you away from his experiments and you can even be his assistant(in jiro's absence) instead. . .his profile makes him sound very in control and aggressive but he doesn't really seem that way in his voicelines i guess? and here and there he's goofy and caring. . .he's kind of a loser(affectionate)!

one of my favorite characters lolol i am so looking forward to the mortkranken chapter because that's going to be so dramatic i bet. . . .

[inukag-archive]

Hi there! Do you guys have anything with Inuyasha and Kagome being protective over eachother? Doesn't necessarily have to be both in the same fic, I just have a hankering for something where they basically go "um. Excuse you. That's MY person, don't touch them."

Hello Anon, we hear you loud and clear: enjoy an extra long list of all the protective feels!

You're Here by @keizfanfiction (T)

Kagome's visit at the wildlife sanctuary goes horribly astray. Inuyasha swoops in to save her from a grisly fate and suddenly Kagome is questioning her choice in boyfriends.

--

Remnants of Unity by @writemydaydreams (E)

Dealing with the recent death of her grandfather, Kagome is set to take over running their family shrine. When she finds a journal left behind by her grandfather, the secret she finds inside will change her life forever. Now her life, the lives of her family, and the life of a new friend are all in danger. Nothing is as it seems and their enemies could be anywhere.

--

Middle of Nowhere by @mamabearcatfanfics (T)

“Hey you old hag, keep your hands to yourself!”

“Inuyasha!” Kagome hissed at him, a little embarrassed by his rudeness to the kind old lady. She tucked the necklace back inside her shirt, offering a small seated bow of apology. “I’m so sorry Obasan, Inuyasha is just a little overprotective. Please excuse him.”

“No offense taken dear, I’m just a foolish old woman who has become a little doddering in her ways living out here alone. And with such a bright jewel” she added, staring directly into Kagome’s grey eyes, “he is right to be protective.”

Kagome is kidnapped... again... A one-shot written for Keichanz in response to a tumblr prompt.

--

Small Victories by @mamabearcatfanfics (T)

Inuyasha just wants to do birthday shopping for his niece and go home. But he's not having the best experience. Until a captivating retail worker stands up for both him, and herself.

--

Clinging by psychochick32 (T)

As Kagome lay dying in his arms, InuYasha realizes just how badly he needs her in his life. ONE-SHOT, COMPLETE

--

A Busted Knee by wakingpriestesses (NR)

Kagome takes a tumble while on her way back from attending to a patient. Shippou swears Inuyasha is going to kill him, because a bruise on Kagome is one thing. A bruise on a pregnant Kagome is an entirely different beast.

--

Femme Fatale by @heynikkiyousofine (T)

One new moon night, the gang finds themselves in a life threatening situation.

--

Guardian Fluffball by @superpixie42 (G)

Canon fluff for the "Helping Hands Weekend" benefit for AnxietyAardvark on Tumblr.

--

Claiming What's Mine by @starlingchildgazingatthestars (E)

Post-canon. When Kagome takes care of a strange man, who'd collapsed ill outside their village, Inuyasha is wrought with jealousy and desire to reclaim what is rightfully his... Thankfully, Kagome couldn't agree more.

--

Mine by HelikaAkileh (T)

Oneshot, canon. Tired of Kagome neglecting him, Inuyasha ponders how no one seems to understand that she belongs to him. All he wants is some time alone with her, for crying out loud. InuyashaxKagome. Set mid-story. Rated for language.

--

Tell, Don't Show by nanairain (T)

SPOILER ALERT: set after the manga ending of Inuyasha. Oneshot. After three months of marriage, Kagome starts to wonder when the hanyou will get a few things through his thick skull... rather fluffy. Rated T for some nudity and language.

--

For Her by @akitokihojo (G)

"Who did this to you?" Inuyasha seethed. Kagome's expression twisted sadly, the trembling in her chin and bottom lip bringing something to ache dully within his chest. She shook her head, looking down before shrugging her shoulders, and he tensed his fingers against her jaw so as not to allow her to completely turn away from him.

--

To Protect: Drabbles by @mustardyellowsunshine (G)

He protected her. That's what he did. He'd protect her his entire life. A story told in a series of drabbles.

--

Evermore: Role Reversal by @anisaanisa (M)

Kagome saves the day.

--

Even If It Kills Me by menacingmenace (E)

Becoming an assassin wasn't what Inuyasha had planned post-college graduation. Nor was leaving his best friend, Kagome, behind. 3 years after abandoning her, they're brought back together, but everything has changed. Kagome still holds a grudge, and for good reason. Can they put the past behind them and work together? Will history repeat itself, or will they write their own fate? Featuring commissioned artwork by Valuvi on Tumblr!

--

Trust by MinakoK (G)

New moon nights had never appealed to him, and he had no plans to spend one of them in Kagome's time. When a threat arises on that night, during the summer solstice, Inuyasha has no choice but to trust that Kagome will be the one to protect him this time.

--

Payment Plan by orphan_account (E)

She owed him, dammit, and he was going to collect. [Smut!fic with sprinkles of plot.]

--

B&B by @splendentgoddess (X)

In a modern world where youkai are still as despised as ever, Inuyasha is just trying to get by one day at a time. What happens when he meets an unusual Bed and Breakfast owner with spiritual powers and a compassionate heart?

--

To Save Her Hanyou Mishelledor23 by (T)

Post-Canon. Miroku returns home from a job, injured and holding the Tessaiga. Pregnant and terrified for her husband's life, Kagome must set out to find what's become of Inuyasha, before it's too late.

--

Kagome's Power by May Higurashe/MayBarrows (T)

It’s the new moon and Inuyasha doesn’t want the villagers to know about his human night, so he and Kagome spend the night by the Goshinboku, when they are attacked by a youkai that wants the power of the slayer of the jewel.

--

Frozen Heart by kongosoha (T)

AU. Inuyasha and Kagome grew up together in a small village. After Inuyasha disappears during a blizzard, Kagome decides to leave on a journey to find him. Her resolve will be tested at each turn of the way. Based on The Snow Queen fairytale by Hans Christian Andersen.

--

Words That Comfort, Words That Break by Almandine-Azaleea (M)

When Inuyasha gets trapped by villagers, the wounds they inflict go deeper than physical scars. She will protect him: from them, from pain, from himself. A reversal of values of sorts. Epilogue: He was real! He was hers! Most importantly, he was happy!

--

An Acceptable Time by Dragon Ashes (T)

An encounter with a yokai-hating village leaves the group injured and separated. Will Inuyasha's pent-up emotions get the better of him...and can he find an acceptable time in the midst of the chaos to show his love for Kagome?

--

Objects in Space by @elkonigin (T)

“This is Captain Higurashi of the Alliance ship, Shin-ryoku, and I think--I think something terrible has happened.”

[wickerthoughts]

it's looking like i will be doing a 24h shift next wednesday which is technically against the residents union rules because of a series of unfortunate events which began when the person making call schedules (pgy2 int med) assumed that we all already know our rotation schedules as well as the names for the various obligatory attendence events more than a month before the official start date which is clearly not a given. She ends up dumping on me and i have to honestly say that it is unfair and could have been avoided if she was better at her job (aka resident coordinator which she took vonluntarily). That and i have 3 consecutive call periods in the following week. At this point i dont even know if i want to continue in medicine anymore. 5 straight years (and much further beyond) of forcing myself to do things. i dont even remember when i actually last laughed. my life is empty and it feels like im coherced into living even though i just want to cease to exist. i am sick and tired and i straight up want to take myself out of my misery

but im also so angry that things could just happen and that i still dont have any control over my schedule and that im forever taking shit from other people while constantly trying to not upset anyone and be accomodating when the same is not done for me

if i throw myself off a bridge id say it is in part because the medical system and its people is some of the most repugnant things id experienced

[atlafan]

1963 - Part 1

a/n: I have been dying to share this with yall and I'm so excited to finally be doing that. As per usual, this is the only part that will be posted here on Tumblr.All other parts will be posted on Patreon. In fact, Part 2 is already up! And Part 3 will be posted Friday.

Please consider joining my Patreon. It's only $5 a month, and it charges you the following month on the date you joined. So, if you signed up today, you wouldn't get charged again until January 10th. I post 2-4 times per month. If anything is under 10K words, that's usually when I'll post more. I depend on this extra income to help pay bills for essentials. The community there is also incredible and I write and post some of my nastiest smut on there, so if that's what you're looking for, you'll get it!

Warnings: mentions of infertility

Words: 3.8K

Patreon I Patreon Masterlist I Tumblr Masterlist I Ask

“Every month I keep hoping I’ll have different news for you two,” Doctor Simmons sighed, “unfortunately, I have the same news. Beverly still isn’t with child.”

“We’ve been trying for five months, we’ve been doing everything you’ve said. Beverly drinks the teas, she lays with her legs up after we’re done, I don’t know what else we can do.” Robert was exasperated at this point. He was squeezing his wife’s hand, desperately trying not to let any tears escape his eye ducts.

“You two have exhausted all natural remedies, so I think it’s time we consider IVF.”

Beverly’s eyes widened, and she squeezed Robert’s hand back. She looked at him, panicked.

“Beverly is terribly afraid of needles.”

“You don’t need to decide on anything right now. Take these pamphlets and look over the information. If you two want to have a baby of your own, then this may be the next step.”

“We’ll look it over and have an answer by our next appointment.”

Robert and Beverly are silent on the drive home from the doctor’s office. They’re silent on their way back into their home. Beverly goes right to the kitchen to get started on dinner. Robert comes up next to her and puts her hand over hers.

“We should read the literature on IVF.” He said.

“I have friends who have done it, and all it has done is make their hormones crazy, and not in a fun way. I really don’t want to, Robert. I’ve done everything else, please don’t make me do this.”

“It feels like sometimes I’m the only one who wants to have a baby.”

“How could you say something like that to me? If I’m infertile-“

“You’re not, though. Doctor Simmons has run every type of blood test on you.”

“I know, I was there when the nurse was drawing it after you accused me of secretly taking birth control pills.”

“Well, with how apprehensive you were about having your diaphragm removed, I had to make sure you weren’t doing any self-sabotage.”

“Maybe I’m not getting pregnant because my body knows you don’t trust me.”

“I do trust you, you just weren’t exactly thrilled to start trying.”

“You sprung it on me, I was surprised. We never really discussed having kids before we got married.”

“Sweetheart, why would two people get married if not to have kids?” He chuckled.

“That’s not why I married you. I married you because I love you and I want to be with you.”

“I love you and want to be with you too. But if I hadn’t wanted kids, we could have just shacked up in an apartment in the city. I bought us a house in the suburbs so you could keep house and raise our kids. You like being a housewife, you’ve told me as much.”

“I do. I like making your meals and keeping things tidy, but I also like my free time. I like to go have brunch with the other ladies, and I like going to the library to check out new film analysis journals, and I like being able to go to the movies in the middle of the day. Having a baby means I can’t do those things anymore. At least, not until it’s old enough to go to school. That’s five solid years I’d be putting on hold. And within that five years, I could have at least two more kids. So, now I’m thirty-one with three kids under the age of five, and oh yeah, I’ll still be expected to keep the house clean and cook all your meals and pleasure you even though everything between my legs will feel like sandpaper.”

Robert eyes his wife, then puckers his lips in thought. “Is that how you’ve really been feeling? You haven’t said a word.”

“I didn’t want to disappoint you. You’re not easy to talk to these days. Every time I reach for my clip-belt for my sanitary napkins, I can see you watching with such sadness in your eyes. Motherhood is scary. My friends tell me these horror stories about childbirth. Their husbands barely take a week off from work to be home with them and the baby. So, we’re expected to push these kids out, then get up the next day and get back to our usual routines.”

“Beverly, you’re worried about things women have been doing since the beginning of time. Don’t be such a child. The fear of needles I can understand, but the fear of being a mother makes no sense. I know you and your mother have a strained relationship, but that doesn’t mean history will repeat itself.” He placed his hands on her shoulders. “If we’re not pregnant by our next appointment with Doctor Simmons, then I would like us to start IVF. Have I made myself clear?”

“Yes, dear.”

“Good.” He looked at the ingredients on the counter and grimaced. “I don’t want meatloaf tonight, make something else instead.”

“Yes, dear.”

“I’m gonna go to my office, have a beer, and listen to the ball game. Let me know when dinner is on the table.”

“Yes, dear.”

Robert smiled, grabbed a beer out of the fridge, and walked out of the kitchen. Beverly took a deep breath and rummaged through her cabinets to see what else she could possibly whip up for dinner. It needs to be something heavy enough that Robert won’t feel like making love before bed. Beverly doesn’t have it in her to put on a performance tonight.

**

Most people get married to have kids. Beverly married Robert because she loved him. He wanted to take care of her. But when the honeymoon phase ended, and he stopped saying thank you to her for all of the things she did to take care of him, she grew resentful. She never let on about it. Robert didn’t need to know how she really felt. Opening up the way she did the day prior wasn’t normal. Things had been good between them for a long time. Beverly didn’t mind stepping into the role of a stay-at-home wife. She was college educated, but it wasn’t like she’d ever be able to carry a position in the profession of her desire. And since she didn’t want to be a schoolteacher or a nurse, Robert asked her to stay home to tend to the house he had bought for them.

At twenty-three, she really hadn’t minded. They met in college, as so many young couples do, and it was love at first sight. Their courtship was disgustingly romantic, and their wedding was a dream come true. The honeymoon phase was so sickly sweet. Beverly enjoyed making breakfast for Robert before he left for work. She enjoyed sending him on his way. She had the whole day to herself. She’d tend to her various gardens, and she’d make sure the house was clean. She’d meet up with friends for brunch. She did everything a good wife was supposed to do.

At twenty-six, Beverly feels like she’s on autopilot. She can’t help but wonder if the reason why older couples have designated sex nights is because the wives must need the six days in between to psych themselves up. She also can’t help but wonder if this is why so many older couples opt for twin beds that can be pushed together or pulled apart.

And it’s not that Beverly doesn’t want kids, she thinks it could be fun, but she’s petrified of essentially raising a child by herself. Robert will stroll in from work, bounce the baby on his knee for all of two minutes, and call it a night. She’s scared for all the reasons she tried to explain the day prior. Robert also didn’t give Beverly a choice five months ago…

“I was thinking of maybe enrolling in graduate school.” Beverly brought up one morning over breakfast. Robert had nearly choked on his toast. “I know what you’re thinking, but you wouldn’t have to pay for a thing. They have stipends for students. I could teach while I learn.”

“I thought you didn’t want to teach.”

“I didn’t want to teach children, but something about having high level discussions with college students makes teaching sound like fun. I miss being in school.”

“What’s the point of a graduate degree in film and media? It’s not like you can do anything with it.”

“A graduate degree could lead to a doctorate, and I could keep teaching. I know female professors are few and far between, especially in the world of film, but it is possible.”

“So, you want to be a career woman, is that what you’re saying?”

“Not exactly. Classes wouldn’t take up all my time. I’d still be able to cook and clean and do everything I’m doing now. Except now when I go to the library, I’ll be doing schoolwork instead of reading for leisure.”

“Seems like you have it all figured out already.”

“Well, I wanted to show you I had thought it all through, that I was serious. You got your graduate degree. If you hadn’t, we never would have met.”

“Exactly. What if some older professor comes on to you? You’d have no way to protect yourself.”

“Oh, Robert, I’ve gone this long without something horrible happening to me on a college campus, I think I’d be fine. Besides, all I’d need to do is show off the lovely rings on my finger.” She grinned. “No one would mess with a married woman whose husband can afford a diamond like this.”

“Did you already sign up for a course?”

“Of course not. I wanted to speak with you first.”

“Good.” He finished his breakfast. “Let me think on it.”

“Alright. Anything in particular you want for dinner tonight?”

“Actually, I was thinking we could go out tonight. I wanted to take you somewhere nice.”

“Oh? For what?”

“Does a husband need a reason to treat his wife to a romantic evening?”

“No.” She giggled. “I’m just excited at the prospect of a spontaneous date night. I’ll pick out a dress I haven’t worn in a while, so it feels like new.”

“I think that’s a great idea.” He stood and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll call you before I leave work, so you’ll know when to expect me.”

“Okay, have a good day, dear.”

Beverly was excited. A night out was a positive sign. Robert wouldn’t take her out just to give her bad news. He was going to say yes to her going back to school.

The restaurant Robert took Beverly to was ritzy. He danced with her, ordered an expensive bottle of wine, and kissed on her shoulder and neck while he sat next to her in their booth. That sickly sweet feeling Beverly thought might be gone was sparking again. When the cheesecake came out, they fed each other bites. It was adorable.

“Are you having a good time tonight?” He asked.

“Yes, this has been such a wonderful evening. Thank you for taking me here.”

“You’re welcome, Bev.” He put his hand over hers and gave it a squeeze. “I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately, and our conversation this morning was the kick in the pants I needed, so I’m really glad you brought up graduate school.”

“I’m glad it was a positive conversation.” She smiled. “What’s been on your mind?”

“I think it’s time we started trying for a baby.” All of the color drained from Beverly’s face, but her smile never wavered. She couldn’t let on how disappointed she was. “You’re clearly bored with the amount of free time on your hands. I know school seemed like a fun thing to do to pass the time, but I think we’ve waited long enough. We’ll be married almost four years soon, I think we know what we’re doing in the bedroom by now. So, next week, I’m taking you to the doctor to have your diaphragm removed-“

“You called my doctor about something like that?”

“I know it’s a bit awkward, but it’s not a secret that you have one. I went with you when you got it, I should be with you when you have it taken out.”

“Robert…I don’t like that it feels like you’re not giving me a choice. What if I’m not ready?”

“It’s not that you don’t have a choice, I’m just stating that it’s time. You take care of me just fine, you’ll be a great mother. This is what I would rather you do than go back to school. Besides, think of the fun we’ll have while we’re working at it. I got excited at work today thinking about it. I was hoping tonight could be a test run.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “I love you so much, Bev, I wanna turn that love into a physical being.”

“Yeah, um, that makes perfect sense. Let’s…let’s make a baby.”

“Really?” He asked, elated.

“Yes, dear.”

Robert kissed his wife. He kissed her in the car. He kissed her on the way into their home, up the stairs, and into their bedroom. He made love to his wife, then called it a night.

After getting her diaphragm removed, they waited until after her next period was done to start trying. This gave Beverly plenty of time to figure out how she could avoid pregnancy. She needed to keep some semblance of control over her own body. Robert wasn’t going to tell her when she was ready. She could decide that on her own.

Lysol douching didn’t work, she knew this. Her sister told her as much. Some of her friends offered her their birth control pills, but she knew they’d show up on a blood test, which Robert made sure she had after the second month of her still not having gotten pregnant. Beverly may have studied film, but she was an excellent student in biology and chemistry as well. She knew how condoms worked. They were coated in spermicides. She just needed to figure out how to coat her vagina with it. She bought condoms and squeezed all of the lubricant and spermicide off them and got a good amount into a bottle. She mixed it with olive oil, what ancient Greeks used to use, and douched with that before having sex with Robert. She knew it would be a long shot if it worked, but she had to try.

When the third month came along, and she still wasn’t pregnant, she took solace is knowing her little concoction was working. And because Robert never went down on her, he’d never smell or taste a thing. When he used his fingers, he just thought she was extra wet, which made him feel proud of himself.

She was perfectly content with her plans until the topic of IVF came up. Even the harshest of solutions couldn’t stand up to IVF injections. She never felt bad for lying to Robert because she didn’t like that he had become so controlling, but she also didn’t think she’d be doing this for so long. The thought of her giving her body up didn’t sound any more appealing five months later.

What was she going to do?

**

“I really think that one is gonna be a winner.” Robert sighed happily as he relaxed into the bed, looking over at Beverly as she lay with her legs in the air. “I’m glad we waited a couple of days in between, feels like my boys swam stronger.”

“Yes, dear.” Beverly closed her eyes and tried to breathe steadily, counting down the minutes until she could go use the bathroom and cleanse herself.

“I had an idea today. I really want to spare you from having to be injected with needles. I’m a good husband, and good husbands protect their wives. So, since we have about five weeks until our next appointment, I thought we could try one last natural method.”

“I’m listening.” She turned her head to look at him, intrigued.

“I overheard some ladies talking in the break room this morning. It’s the one good thing about having so many female secretaries. Anyways, they happened to be discussing various issues with conceiving. One of them said they had a friend who got pregnant the second she and her husband stopped focusing so much on it. The wife threw herself into different projects, and a month or so later, she was pregnant.”

“Wait.” She sat up on her elbows. “Are you saying I can enroll in a graduate course after all?”

“What, no.” He laughed. “No, I was thinking we could finally redo the patio and have that pool you’ve wanted put in. You’ve been talking about wanting to host more parties for our friends. You always do so well with the workers when we have something done here, and you love gardening. I think you’d really enjoy overseeing a landscaping project.”

“Let me get this straight: you would rather pay thousands of dollars to have our backyard redone, than pay a couple of hundred for me to enroll in a course?”

“I think school would be too stressful. If you’re stressed, then you definitely won’t conceive. Overseeing a project that puts you outside in the sun will be a win-win. Not to mention an old friend of mine is willing to give us a deal on the work.”

“You have a friend that’s a landscaper?”

“Yeah, this guy from my old neighborhood took over his father’s business. He said he could swing by Saturday to take a look at things.”

“It sounds like you’ve already decided that this is what we’re doing.”

“That’s because I have.” He grinned proudly. “Bev, when we got married, I promised to take care of you. This is me taking care of you. Not all husbands would do something like this for their wives. You could at least pretend to be grateful.”

“I am grateful, I’m sorry if my tone suggested otherwise. What time Saturday is he coming over?”

“That I left up to you. I didn’t know if you had any errands or plans with the ladies.”

“Oh.” Well, at least he was trying to be considerate. “Maybe around three? That would give me time to pick up the dry cleaning and stop at the market.”

“Three is perfect. I’ll give him a call tomorrow to let him know.” He looked down at his watch. “You should be good to use the bathroom now.”

“Yes, dear.” Beverly lowers her legs and slings her robe on. Once she’s in the bathroom, she locks the door and flips on the fan. She rummages around in the back of the sink-cabinet until she finds her douching solution. She used some prior to having sex with her husband, but she likes to use it after for good measure. She bites into the heel of her palm as she cleanses herself. It tends to sting from time to time. When she’s done, she looks at herself in the mirror. She knows she can’t keep doing this to herself. She just doesn’t know what else to do.

**

Beverly loves her weekend clothes. There’s something so freeing about slipping on a pair of high-waist capris, a sleeveless button-up that ties in the front, and a pair of flats. She usually gardens after running her errands, and this is what she typically wears to garden. Robert hates it when Beverly wears pants, or anything form fitting, in public. Why should anyone else be privy to how round her bum is, or how full her thighs are? She’s got a body like Marilyn’s, and that’s something he prefers to keep under wraps.

When the landscaping van pulls up out front, Beverly is in the front yard, planting and mulching. She has the radio going, so she doesn’t pay any mind to the sound of an engine turning off. The man in the landscaping van tilted his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose, getting a better glimpse of Beverly. Robert starts walking over, so the man gets out of his van, rounding it to meet his old friend.

“Harry.” Robert smiled and shook the man’s, Harry, hand. “Can you believe it? Got a nice house in a suburb just like the one we grew up in.”

“I never doubted you’d get everything you wanted.” Harry smiled back.

“Seems like the Navy treated you well.”

“Yeah, I can’t complain too much. I didn’t get blown up or lose a limb.”

“And now you own your father’s business. Sorry for your loss, by the way. That’s the drawback of inheritance.”

“Yep. You working for your father?”

“Yes, and proud of it. I’ve got an office with a view, and I can afford to live more than comfortably. Got a beautiful wife, too.” Robert looked around. “Beverly, c’mere!” Beverly stood and dusted off her trousers before making her way over to the two men. “Harry, this is my Beverly.” He put his arm around his wife’s shoulders.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Clark.”

“Likewise, Mr…”

“Styles.” He points behind him with his thumb. “Of Styles Landscaping.”

“Right, of course.”

“Your husband told me you were hoping to have some work done in the backyard.”

“Yes, we’d like the patio redone and to have a pool put in, if possible.”

“Let’s show Harry to the back.” Robert said as he led his wife to the back. Harry followed close behind.

As Beverly observes Harry observing her yard, she can’t help but feel confused. How is this man a friend of Robert’s? Harry’s t-shirt is stretched tight over his chest, not to mention how beefy and muscular his biceps are. His arms are also littered with tattoos.

It takes about twenty minutes for Harry to look around, take some measurements, and get a feel for the land.

“Alright, I can come back on Tuesday with some different mockups of what can be done back here. I can bring my portfolio too, so you can look at some of my past projects. Does Tuesday work for you, Mrs. Clark? I’m assuming you’ll be the one home.”

“Yes, the early afternoon works for me, Mr. Styles.”

“Perfect.” Robert clapped his hands. “H, come in for a bit. We can have a couple beers and catch up while Bev does her gardening out front.”

“Sounds good to me.” Harry nodded, and Robert started to make his way inside. For a split second, Harry tilted his sunglasses down to look at Beverly. “It was nice meeting, Mrs. Clark.” He winked and smirked before catching up with Robert.

Beverly felt her cheeks heat up. She turned and watched Harry walk into her home. Why did he wink at her like that? And why did it make her feel like she just got a B-12 shot?

She shook it off and made her way out front. Gardening will help her clear her head. She’s a married woman. A friend of Robert’s wouldn’t flirt with a married woman…would he?

[2024-grimoire-challenge]

May Week 1: Diving into Divination

Alright everyone! May has arrived and this month's theme is all about divination! Everything from tarot, to runes to scrying, to other types and forms! We'll try to touch on as many as we can! Without further ado, let's dive in!

Monday - Definitions

Research/ New Page - Let's make a general divination page, and we will make more pages for each individual form of divination as we go! For this page, start with a definition of what divination is, at its base. Look up the history of divination through different cultures. Make a list of the various forms, methods, and types of divination you find. Now, what is divination used for? How has it been used through history and in various cultures? What is your experience, if any, with divination?

Research - Give each form of divination you listed a short description, as the pages we will make later will go much further into detail.

Tuesday - Tarot and Oracle

Research/ New Page - Dive in folks, look up a definition of both Tarot reading and Oracle reading, see how they are similar and different. If you’re familiar with the suits, awesome! If not we will be adding a different suit to study in the coming weeks, along with individual cards. So make a list of all the cards in a tarot and oracle deck, by suit, and we’ll get to descriptions of them all later both upright and reversed. Research traditional uses for these two types of divination, who performed them and where? What kind of questions can they help us answer? What things can they teach and show us? When does tarot reading date back to? Where did it originate? What is and can Tarot and Oracle reading be used for? Gather as much information you can and ask as many questions about the subject you can. The more you find out, the more you know, the better. 

Practical/ Journal - If you know how to perform a reading, give yourself a reading. If you are not a reader, see if you can find one. Mind you, this is a service like any other and I support all readers who charge for readings. Do not be afraid to pay for this service, as it takes another person’s time and energy. Journal both the question you asked, and the result of the reading. 

Practical - Look up various tarot spreads! Or make one of your own. There are a ton alone here on tumblr. Look into them, how to make them, what they ask, how and why and make one! Feel free to share the spread you make!

Gem study- Again, make a new page or a new note about a specific gemstone. What is it used for in magic? What is it used for in non magical applications? Is it associated with any myths, legends, or deities? Where on earth is it found? What are its other associations? 

Wednesday - Runes

Research/ New Page - As with the above, look up and define rune reading. What is it? Where did it originate? Who were the original rune readers? What kinds of questions can we ask during a rune reading? And what kinds of answers and insight can rune readings give us? How do rune readings work? Are they similar to tarot readings? How do you set up a rune reading? What kinds of uses are there for rune readings? Pick a specific rune alphabet, make a list of all of its characters and as we go along this month, or today if you’re feeling feisty, study each rune, its various meanings and how it works within a reading both upright and reversed. Again, find out as much as you can!

Practical/ journal- Either find a reader or with your study into how to perform a reading, give yourself one. Again, I suggest being willing to pay a reader for this, as it is a service that takes time and energy. Journal the question you asked, the rune layout, and the results of your reading. 

Herb study - Make a new page or note about an herb you have not studied yet. Look up its origins, how to grow it, its culinary, mundane and magical uses, along with its various associations. How was this herb used and thought of throughout history? Does it have any relation to myths and legends? 

Thursday - Scrying

Research/ New Page - Define scrying! What is it? How does it work? What are some common methods of scrying? Where has scrying been used traditionally? Who were the first to scry? How does one perform a scrying? What kinds of information can we glean from scrying? What things can it show and teach us? What is scrying generally used for?  Find out as much as you can about scrying!

Practical/ Journal - Perform one of the simpler methods of scrying that you researched, then journal about the experience! What did you see? Hear? Feel? What did it show you?

DiY - There are plenty of resources on the internet for making scrying and divination tools in general! This prompt is to create a scrying mirror! It does not have to be one of the fancier ones. But make one! There are even instructions here on tumblr, I’m sure! 

Friday - Pendulum

Research/ New Page - Now we’re going to look into Pendulum readings! (and pendulum work in general!) What are the ways we can use pendulums for divination? What kinds of things can pendulums help us divine? Where and when did pendulum reading originate? What can it show us and teach us? What is pendulum reading traditionally used for? Look up different methods of using pendulums.

Practical/ Journal - Make a pendulum! You don’t need a fancy one in order to perform divination with them. Look up a way to make a pendulum with everyday objects and perform a pendulum divination! Journal the process from the making of the pendulum to reading and its results. 

Meditation/ Introspection - We’ve given ourselves a lot of insight this week, asked a lot of questions of the universe and hopefully found some insight and answers into the /whys/ behind all these questions. Take some time to think about the answers you’ve gotten. Journal about all of the results and the way they apply to your life and current situation. 

WHEW! That was a lot, huh? So much to discover! Let's take the weekend and rest, since we got so much work done this week!

Good luck and happy crafting witches!

-Mod Hazel

[laughingbrand]

Looking for art buddies/Introduction

Hello, my name is Brandy, and welcome to my blog! I'm a 20+ art major who has fallen outta my passion for art over the last few years and wants an excuse to get back into it. So, I figured I might as well give Tumblr a try again and see where it goes! My main account is @brandywyne so if you get a follow from that it's me lol I dunno how to follow from side blogs. I'd love to make some friends on here again and just have a good time and maybe get some art practice here and there. I'm probably going to mainly post fanfiction/fanart for a while as I get back into the swing of things. Might have art requests open too? Haven't decided yet. Though if you like/do any of the following, please leave a note/reblog/like so we can chat! Biggest interests to smallest: ☠ World Building (!!!) ☠ OCS (I love making fanart of OCs, please let me know if you aren't okay with that!) ☠ One Piece (Big Kid Pirates fan) ☠ Creepypasta (I was an OG back in 2012 era Pasta community) ☠ Sketching/drawing/art (any medium is cool!) ☠ Summoner's War Sky Arena ☠ Markiplier fan (Been a fan for about 10 years now) ☠ Music ☠ Headcanons ☠ Horror (games/movies/stories/etc) ☠ Fanfiction/stories ☠ Monsters/teratophillia ☠ Journaling ☠ I used to be in a lot of older fandoms like Homestuck, MLP, Ninjago, SVTFOE, OFF, RPG games, Villainous, New Vegas, Skyrim, DC Comics, Outlast, Evil Within, Samurai Jack, MHA, Hazbin Hotel, and a few others too. Not as big these days but some I still have a mild interest in. Feel free to ask! NSFW Stuff: I'm fine with general NSFW stuff for writing and art, but because of that I do want to mention the following:

Please do NOT interact if you're a/into: Underage/minor (18+ only please. I'm a little too old to be friends with kids.), pedophile, bestiality, lolicon/shota, incest, age regression, pet play, feeder/vore/inflation, basically anything you'd find on the front page of Deviantart if you catch my drift. (Edited post to include more info)

[gf-seasons-zine]

Meet Your Mods!

We have been blown away by your responses to the contributor applications (open now here and closing May 1!) and are having a great time reviewing them- thank you! While we're doing that, we thought it would be a good time to introduce you to the Mod Team!

First, we are very pleased to introduce our Communication Mod, Abbey!

Text from the journal and more info below the cut!

Abbey

Role: Communications Mod Pronouns: She/Her Specimen Records: Hi everyone! I’m Abbey aka mercury-falls! I’ve loved Gravity Falls since it premiered and officially joined the online fandom in 2020. I'm so grateful for the supportive, creative, and kind community that the show has created! My favorite characters are Stan and Ford, but the entire Pines family means the world to me.

Abbey is our Communications Mod, which means she is the main point of contact between the mods and our contributors and buyers!

You can also find her on tumblr over at @mercury-falls BUT if you have any zine-related questions, please reach out via the gf-seasons zine socials or our retrospring ;)

Stay tuned for more mod bios! Thank you again for all of your excitement!

The GF Seasons Zine Mod Team

P.S. Interested in applying to be a contributor? Check out our applications post here- applications close May 1!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Disclaimer: We are not affiliated with Disney in any way. The zine will be a charity zine with all surplus going to charity- no one will profit from this zine.

CARRD TWITTER RETROSPRING

[ros3ybabe]

Accountability Buddy Search!

I am currently on the search for an accountability buddy! Someone I can use to keep me on track with my academic goals, life admin goals, language study goals, and whatever specific things I'd want to accomplish! I also would love to help someone else stay accountable with their academic/language/life admin goals!

editing to add: I have found my accountability buddies!!! Thank you to everyone who reached out to me, and I look forward to working with my new accountability buddies! I recommend for everyone who thinks it to be useful to do do themselves, because I can already feel how good this is going to be for me, and hopefully for them too!

Here are some of my goals:

regularly studying spanish/Japanese

regularly completing homework on time

regularly studying for/preparing for exams/quizzes

sticking to my routines consistently

maintaining a healthy, productive balance between school-work-life

regularly meeting my personal goals (reading, joirnaling, working out, etc)

Here are some things about me:

I am a 21 year old female

I am a junior in university, but 2nd year of studying my major

My major is Human Nutrition/Dietetics, and I am also minoring in Psychology and Exercise Science

My current courses I'm trying to stay on top of are General Chemistry II, Emotions (psychology), and Medical Terminology

I want to begin regularly studying Japanese and Spanish again

I want to begin reading, journaling, and sticking to consistent routines as well as keep academically inclined.

My Preferences in Accountability Buddy:

Female, 19-24 years of age (no minors or males, please.)

preferably in college/university, but it also doesn't matter if you independently study languages

also has some academic/productive oriented goals, or just goals that you'd like to be kept accountable on

has a not super personal way of contact for the accountability check ins (GroupMe, Discord, and eventually maybe a way to video call once we get more comfortable with each other, but of course, safety first! and tumblr inbox works too, but I feel discord or groupme might be a little easier long term)

hopefully willing to stay accountability buddies for a decent amount of time (maybe til end of my semester? mid may?)

willing to lay out or goals, accountability check in schedule, and open to communication with respect to each of our time zones/schedules/commitments, etc

conversationaly fluent/fluent in English or English first language at the least. It's the only language I currently speak so it would be easier to work with someone that speaks the same language

If anyone is interested in having/being an accountability buddy, please send me an ask or message me! Please be respectful of my preferences tho, I really do want to be safe with something like this because with the internet, you never know. I look forward to possibly meeting/working with/becoming acquaintances with you guys!!

ps. please don't be put off by the aesthetics of my blog, I can assure you all, I am a typical, 21 year old college student who works an on campus job, struggles with sleep and caffiene, and is constantly staying on top of my grades and classes while also worrying if I'm doing enough to keep my GPA at a good spot. this blogs aesthetics are purely for fun and artistic expression. If I wasn't such an aesthetic-loving person, I'd post my own study type photos but I'd feel so less-than if I posted like, a non cohesive plethora of photos I take. I'm not good at taking photos