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puff-world · 2 years

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I'm gonna rank every skylander and ripoff @jelloapocalypse

This will not be based in gameplay but design because fuck that noise any how les go

PART 1: MAGIC

Wrecking ball: [insert dead joke] -6

Voodood: dood you are like totally forgettable 3

Spyro: [insert joke about his face] 6

Double trouble: despite being forgettable, you survived -6

Pop fizz: he drinks mountain dew, truley a gamer 7

Ninjini: ok your fucking cool 8

Trap shadow: who 1

Star strike: yall remember those egg theives from spyro? 7

Hoot loop: CRAZY ASS -8

Dune bug: my apologies to trap shadow, who are you? -1

Enigma: you look like a wow boss 9

Deja vu: cute pigtails lazy name 5

Cobra cadabra: COBRA COBRAAA 7

Blastermind: kaos what are you doing here 4

Splat: dranie bob Ross 6

Pain-yatta: how are you magic dude: 7

Mysticat: eh 1

Buck shot: and eh 0

Over all score: 5

PART 2: UNDEAD

Hex: who's goth gf is this? 7

Ghost roaster: why did they scrap you? 7

Cynder: why are you here? 6

Chop chop: he has a bone to pick with you 7

Freight rider: you look like a common enemy 5

Eye brawl: ok ngl really fucking sick -9

Roller brawl: my bad this is the goth gf 5

Rattle snake: yall ever watch rango? 7

Night shift: I dont get it 7

Grim creeper: dopey but cute -6

Short cut: hesh gonna gecha! -7

Krypt king: chop chops top boyfriend 8

Funny bone: play dead! -6

Bat spin: bleh both literally and figuratively 4

Fiesta: drip 9

Wolf gang: London 8

Pit boss: this sssssucks 3

Chopscotch: your pun name is your saving grace or grave -1

Over all score: 8

PART 3: LIFE

Zook: [insert soldier tf2 quotes] -5

Stump smash: neat -7

Stealth elf: porn bait 6

Camo: you're not very camouflaged 4

Tree rex: man going hard 9

Shroom: mama mia -7

Zoo lou: uhm 3

Stink bomb: gross 5

Grilla drilla: isnt a drill counter active to the eco friendly drip 5

Bumble blast: [buck bumble theme] -7

Tuff luck: furry bait 4

High five: hesa pupper 7

Food fight: trigger happy rip off 5

Bushwhack: whack off! Wait? 3

DONKEY KONG: DONKEY KONG 9

Thrillipede: he gives a 1000% 8

Crash bandicoot: WOAH 9

Chompy mage: dr livesly walk 9

Boom bloom: coolio 7

Ambush: not expected 7

Over all score: -7

PART 4: FIRE

Sunburn: sqwaaaaa 6

Ignitor: kinda lit 7

Flame slinger: the writers were blind making him 4

Eruptor: I finna puke, in a good way 7

Hot head: kinda dopey but also really neat 6

Hot dog: stop drop and roll over: -5

Smolderdash: yall watch moana 8

Fryno: I'm kimda loving it -6

Fire kraken: he so dopey I love him -7

Blast zone: ignitors top boyfriend wait didnt I make this joke already 7

Wildfire: anduin if he liked fire 7

Trail blazer: my little arson 7

Torch: she hot literally 7

Ka boom: compensating much 7

Spitfire: lit but not in the good way 5

Bowser: look up @were-Ralph 9

Tae kwon crow: is this a fried chicken joke? 5

Flare wolf: furry bait 5

Ember: she was better in danny phantom 7

Over all: 7

PART 5: WATER

Zap: alotta spyro ripoffs 6

Wham shell: dont look at me with those big ol eyes 6

Slam bam: for being so chilled hes kinda hot 8

Gill grunt: this man goes hard 9

Thumpback: thumpback mountain 9

Chill: not really cool tho 7

Swash buckler: disney lawsuit 9

RIP tide: here comes the crimson chin -7

Punk shock: kinda cool kinda forgettable 5

Freeze blade: "I like your cut g" 7

Snap shot: yall play pokemon 7

Lob star: is mayonnaise an instrument 5

Flip wreck: [vulgar dolphin noises] 4

Echo: zap became a goth gf 6

Dive clops: scooby doo vibes 7

Tidepool: meh 5

King pen: 7

Grave clobber: excuse me what 0

Over all: 7

PART 6: EARTH

Terra fin: did he get fatter over time 8

Prism break: the pun was under utilized 8

Dino rang: picks up phone* "what's your favorite dinosaur" 7

Bash: awww rock pupper 8

Flash wing: theres the spyro rip off 5

Crusher: blag blag blah prism breaks top boyfriend 8

Slobber tooth: a pale imitation of bash 6

Scorp: sorry I'm a scorpio -6

Rubble rouser: uga uga -7

Doom stone: sorry but naw 4

Wallop: furry bait 5

Rocky roll: a lil guy 8

Head rush: I want her to kick my ass 9

Fist bump: hows it going bros its [insert n bomb] 4

Smash hit: yall watch ice age 3? 6

Tritip: pick up the phone a lil kid wants to talk dinosaurs 5

Golden queen: yasss queen 8

Barbella: once again hit me 8

Over all: 8

PART 7: AIR

Whirlwind: spyro ripoff again 4

Warnado: I like turtles 7

Sonic boom: good show 6

Lighting rod: move that cloud so I can see that lighting rod: 7

Swarm: buck bumble literally 8

Jetvac: kirby still better 7

Scratch: again 4

Pop thorn: oh hey it's that balloon I lost -7

Free range: I thought it was a piss joke

Boom jet: human??? 6

Thunder bolt: lighting rods less slutty brother

Gusto: oh my 6

Flip kong: MONKEY!!!! also Nintendo lawsuit

Storm blade: she so pretty 8

Wild storm: I dont get it 4

Bad juju: why are you here? 0

Air strike: bird shit every where -6

Over all: 6

PART 8: TECH

Trigger happy: he has a gun -8

Drobot: another one 4

Drill sergeant: show me your war face 7

Boomer: pfft 7

Sproket: kenzie from saints row 8

Bouncer: DR LIVESLY IS ALIVE AND HE IS AN IRON GINAT RIPOFF 10

Wind up: hit him so hell shut up -8

Spy rise: [sam Fisher voice] 8

Magna charge: yoooooooo 9

Countdown: soccer fans be like -6

Tread head: how do you drive that -5

Jawbreaker: he looks like an orc made him 9

Gear shift: robo waifu 7

Chopper: dinosaurs!!!! -7

High volt: he has a little blue line flag on his car 5

Robow: ok this goes hard 9

Dr neo cortex: jaundice 9

Dr krankcase: gangrene 9

Chain reaction: robo viking 10

Over all: 9

PART 9: LIGHT

Spotlight: must I say it 7

Knight light: palidins be like 6

Astroblaster: the only space themed skylander 8

Blaster tron: what's light about you? 0

Aurora: at this time of day in this part of the country 8

Over all: 7

PART 10: DARK

Knightmare: death knights be like 9

Black out: despite being a spyro clone hes really cool 9

Night fall: Lovecraftian ass 9

Starcast: slam bams emo cousin 7

Hoodsickle: you should be undead 0

Over all: 9

PART 11: KAOS & OTHERS

Kaos: DESTROY US ALL DESTROY US ALL DESTROY US ALL 10

Cyclops snail: theres a reason he was scrapped -10

Over all: 10

PART 12: RANKING TOP 10 AND WORST

10. Cyclops snail

9. Eye brawl

8. Head rush

7. Jaw breaker

6. Chompy mage

5. Fiesta

4. Black out

3. Kaos

2. Chain reaction

1. Bouncer

THE WORST: buckshot

PART 13: thoughts over all

So..after ranking every skylander, no I will not do enemies or trapped bosses, I can kinda get a method with them

Magic are based on religions and the arcane

Undead are often dead or malicious

Life are based on flora and fauna

Fire are based on fire, magma, and explosives

Water are based on ice and marine life

Earth are based on rocks and Crystal's with a few rough boys

Air is based on flight, avians or weather

Tech is based on machinery, metal and demolition and man made things

Light is based on holy and benevolent forces

Dark is based conversely on lovecraftian and malicious things

I originally intended on looking at all scrapped skylanders too but I realized there were too many so I only covered the one that was most well known scrapped skylanders

I also noticed some of the sensei's in imaginators were really independent of their element

And another thing was that some skylanders were dropped. In the original generation they had 4 skylanders and then replaced one for giants then again for swap force but the ones they keeped were given ultimate versions that sometimes looked wholly different and then in superchargers some where brought back again ang given new armor.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this look into skylanders history thank you and have a nice day

#skylanders #list #ranking #funny #jello apocalypse #jelloapocalypse

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redgillan · 4 years

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Under Pastel Skies - 9

Sugar daddy!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Modern!AU Bucky doesn’t need anyone, especially not a sugar baby. He isn’t that desperate… but she smiles so sweetly and she’s endearingly awkward, and he’s so lonely. She’s an artist, a painter, the type of person who always puts others before herself. Throwing caution to the wind Bucky offers her a place to live, a place where she can finally paint whatever her heart desires. He doesn’t need much in return; a friend, a muse.

Word Count: 6,257

Warnings: mention of accident, mention of blood

A/N: I’m sorry this took longer than usual but it’s pretty long so yay! I hope you’ll like this chapter. We’re slowly getting there :’) Thank you for the feedback, I truly appreciate all of you! Also 1 marvel quote and several Bob Ross quotes that I obv don’t own.

Wannabe sugar daddies don’t interact, idc if you have money, eat it and leave me be.

Good luck on your interview xx

Bucky had just hit ‘send’ when Sam cleared his throat noisily, drawing Bucky’s attention away from his phone. His friends were frowning crossly at him, their glasses raised in a silent toast. He set his phone face-down on the table and picked up his glass.

“Sorry, you were saying?”

Sam shot Steve a ‘see?’ look and Steve replied with a shrug and a little smile. They looked like two sassy grandmothers judging their only grandson. Bucky checked his phone again, and out of his peripheral vision, he could see his grandmothers share another look.

“What?” he barked, annoyed.

“Nothin,” they both answered at the same time before they took a synchronized sip of orange juice.

Smacking his lips together, Sam opened the menu and began to skim through the choices. A waiter suddenly came out of nowhere to take their order. Bucky ordered a cranberry rosemary scone, smoked bacon, an eggplant sandwich, and a plate of lemon-ricotta pancakes.

“Excuse-me,” Sam called out to the waiter. “Could you make his pancakes in the shape of an angel?” he asked, ignoring Bucky who was openly glaring at him.

The waiter, albeit a little surprised, kept a smile on his face. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Bucky told him, handing him the menu. “Thank you.”

Without another look to his friends, he grabbed his phone and checked his messages for the third time in less than two minutes. Steve snatched his phone up and sat back in his seat, waving the phone at Bucky.

“Enough! Live in the moment.” He pocketed the phone and gave Bucky a pointed stare. “You’ll get it back later.”

“What the hell? You’re not my father, give it back!” Bucky snapped, extending his hand, the palm facing up. Steve shook his head. “Give it back, you fucking meatball.”

He got up and tried to reach inside Steve’s pocket for his phone but Steve kept shifting in his seat. They wrestled like that for a minute while Sam watched them, eating a breadstick and looking mildly entertained.

“Okay, fine,” Bucky panted, pushing himself away from Steve. “You leave me no choice, Rogers.” He cleared his throat like an actor about to jump on stage. “Give me back my phone, Steve!” he said, raising his voice. “Do you enjoy stealing from disabled people?”

He nearly shouted the last two words, and to Steve’s horror, the buzz of conversation around them had died. He could feel people staring at him. Cursing softly under his breath, he reached into his pocket and dropped the phone into Bucky’s awaiting hand.

“It’s okay, we’re friends,” Steve said to the people sitting behind him. They looked at him with a disapproving glare. “Jesus, Bucky, you’re making me look like an asshole.”

An amused expression crossed Bucky’s face as he sat back in his seat. “Don’t touch my stuff.”

It was quiet while he checked his messages. Slowly, those around them returned to their own conversations. Sam pointed his half-eaten breadstick at Steve.

“Do you think the waiter will spit in your omelette?” he said the last word with an exaggerated French accent. Steve glared at him.

Their waiter arrived a moment later carrying a large tray with their brunch. Steve poked at his omelet with a suspicious frown, then looked over at Bucky who was still on his phone. Sam stole a slice of bacon from Bucky’s plate and gave it to Steve.

“I hear you’ve got a date tonight,” Sam said, making conversation.

“Yeah,” Steve chuckled, embarrassed. “It’s not a big deal. I’m just looking for something casual. I’m leaving in two days.”

“Where’re you going this time?”

“South Africa,” Steve replied, stealing another slice of bacon. “What about you? What’s that big emergency?”

Sam glanced at Bucky who was grinning like an idiot at his phone. “Not now. Let’s eat first.” He took the plate of bacon, took what he wanted then handed it to Steve. “Want another?”

Steve kept looking over at Bucky while they finished his bacon but Bucky didn’t seem to acknowledge their presence. He was in his own little bubble.

“It’s like we don’t even exist,” Steve remarked out loud.

“I know, it’s amazing. Look!” Sam straightened up in his seat and cleared his throat. “Bucky Barnes is the biggest idiot on the planet, and he can eat my farts.” Bucky was hunched over his phone, his thumb typing away. “See?”

“Impressive.”

“That’s the angel effect,” Sam said.

With a happy little sigh, Bucky pocketed his phone and turned his attention to his friends. He frowned at the amused look they shared.

“What are you guys talking about?”

“Steve’s first date in two years.” Sam turned to Steve. “You must be nervous.”

“Strangely, no.” Steve broke off a small piece of omelet with his fork. “I actually know him. He’s an old friend from college.”

“Nice,” Sam said.

“He’s a fashion photographer now.”

“Wait, what?” Bucky’s brows pinched in confusion as he stared at Steve.

Undeterred, Steve continued. “We’ve been facetiming a lot lately.” He shot Bucky a glance. “Why do you think I go to bed at 8?”

“But I thought-”

“You thought I had a date with your girl,” Steve said with a warm smile. “Listen, man, I like her. She’s cute, funny, talented. She’s a real sweetheart. But I like her because she brought back that light in your eyes. You look happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you. You had to go through so much crap, Buck. You deserve this.”

Bucky looked down at his pancakes, feeling tears pool in his eyes. He blinked them back and sniffed quietly. “So you were never going to ask her out.”

“I was until you called her ‘angel’,” Steve replied with a shrug. “You kept saying you were okay with this but, I mean, I’m not that dense.”

“Why do you keep going out with her then?” Bucky grumbled.

“Jeez, Mother Gothel, I didn’t know Rapunzel wasn’t allowed to leave the tower,” Steve exclaimed. “We were bored. You’re in your office all day. It was fun to mess with you though. You’re a grumpy Gus when you’re jealous.”

“I wasn’t jealous, okay. I was annoyed. There’s a difference.”

“Uh-huh.”

Bucky looked over at Sam who had been strangely quiet throughout this whole exchange. He loved teasing Bucky, and he always had something to say about Bucky’s love life. Sam wasn’t looking at Bucky, he just pushed his food around with his fork, his lips pinched shut. He met Bucky’s eyes, then lowered his head again.

Bucky had a feeling something bad was about to happen.

“What’s the big emergency?” he asked quietly, afraid of the answer.

Sam set his fork down beside his plate and leaned back against his chair with a sigh. He trained his gaze on the front door, seemingly deep in thought.

“I’m moving to D.C.” He paused to let the information sink in. “They’re transferring me to the D.C. office. I’m their new chief financial officer.”

“Congrats, man!” Steve exclaimed. “You deserve it.”

“Yeah,” Sam replied with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “That’s what I’ve always wanted.”

“So why the long face?”

“I’m a little anxious to leave New York. What will Barnes do without me? Without his mentor? Without someone to look up to?”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “I think I’ll be all right.” He hesitated before he asked, “Did you tell her?”

“Tell who?” Steve inquired, polishing off the last of his omelet.

Bucky felt the wave of long-held sadness his Sam’s eyes. “I’ll tell her tonight.”

“Can someone tell me what’s going on?”

Sam and Bucky shared a look. They weren’t sure how Steve would react.

The word sugar daddy held a pejorative connotation. Every single one of those relationships featured a powerful, rich man and a poor, vulnerable man or woman. There was a clear power imbalance here that never appealed to Bucky, and he was pretty sure it never appealed to Sam either.

Whether it was a no-strings-attached service or an emotional service, it was still a hole in your resume. One that would be hard to explain to your future employers. He was afraid people would call you names, treat you differently or harass you if they knew.

He often wondered if he had unintentionally ruined your life.

Deep down he knew Steve would never call you a whore or treat you differently but he was still trying to protect your reputation. He believed that Sam had Natasha’s best interest at heart too.

Sam told Steve everything. He remembered the day he had met Natasha, their instant chemistry, the subtle flirting, the arrangement, their first night out, their first kiss, their first time together, their new arrangement. Steve listened attentively. When Sam told him that you were Natasha’s best friend, Bucky interrupted him and told his own story.

“Wow,” Steve deadpanned, leaning forward to take one of Sam’s poached egg and avocado toast. Sam slapped his hand away. “Is that a thing now? Sugar daddies, I mean?”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“Yeah.” Steve sipped his mimosa with a bored look on his face. “You’re both not ready for the real conversation, so I’m just making small talk.”

Sam and Bucky exchanged confused looks. “What real conversation?”

“Sam, you just got an amazing promotion, you’re going to be the Prince of D.C. and you’re sitting here like someone kicked your puppy,” Steve replied, then turned to Bucky. “And you, well... I’ve been living with you for the past two weeks and you’ve gone all Alpha male on me, Buck. Cut the shit. You’re both in love with your sugar babies. Companions, or whatever the fuck you want to call them.”

Sam and Bucky sat in silence with their heads hung low. Steve opened his arms wide like a lawyer in a bad TV show saying ‘I rest my case’. When he spoke again, his voice was soft.

“Look, as maybe the world's leading authority on waiting too long, don't,” he said. “What’s the worst that could happen, um?”

It made Bucky think. Best-case scenario, you loved him too and life was a breeze for the next fifty years. Bad-case scenario, you didn’t share his feelings. Worst-case scenario, you shared his feelings but couldn’t make the transition from sugar baby to girlfriend.

Yeah, worst-case scenario sucked...

He came home around three in the afternoon, and smiled when he saw your shoes and coat. Knowing you were home always put him in a good mood, but his heart was heavy. He felt conflicted. He didn’t know if it was better to tell you how he felt now or to just keep living in this little bubble with you until it’d inevitably burst.

And to make things worse, Sam was going to end his contract with Natasha tonight. He made Bucky promise not to tell you about it. Bucky felt sorry for Natasha, he wondered if she had feelings for Sam. He wondered if she had a backup plan.

He found you in your studio, sitting on the floor, huddled against the wall, with one knee drawn up to your chest and your arms loosely wrapped around your leg. You were staring at the painting you’d just made, the still wet paint glistened under the artificial lights.

This painting was different from your usual landscapes and occasional portraits. There were various shades of blue and grey intertwined, and five big splotches of dark red paint layered on top of the canvas.

Bucky knew just by looking at you that something was wrong. You looked defeated, sad, upset. He reasoned that your interview didn’t go as planned. Quietly, he stepped into the room and sat down on the floor next to you, his left shoulder brushing your own.

“I just got home,” he said.

“Where’s Steve?”

“He said he had some errands to run. He’ll be back later.”

You nodded, still staring straight ahead. “Okay. I bet you can’t wait to have some time to yourself. I asked Natasha if I could stay with her, but she’s going out with Sam tonight. I’ll stay in my room, I won’t bother you.”

Bucky felt his heart drop, his breath caught in his throat. He had made the woman he loved feel unwelcome. God, he wanted to kick his own ass.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, tilting his head to look at you but you were stubborn and refused to meet his eye. “I thought you were going out with Steve and I- I didn’t want you to feel like you had to stay with me.”

“I’m not interested in Steve. I told you that.”

“I know.” He moved so that he could see your face. “I’m sorry for the way I treated you, and for the way I treated Steve. It won’t happen again. I promise. Can you forgive me?”

“Of course, Bucky,” you huffed.

He saw your chin quiver slightly and your eyes glaze over with unshed tears. You looked utterly broken. He reached up and wiped a stray tear from your cheek.

“Sorry, I had a difficult day,” you said.

His palm cupped the side of your face, his thumb stroking a caress across your cheek. You met his eyes for the first time and he smiled softly at you.

“My angel.”

His words made you cry even harder, silent tears streaming down your cheeks. With his hand still cupping the side of your face, he leaned closer and pressed his lips against your other cheek. You closed your eyes and basked in his affection.

He could feel the warmth of your tears, could taste the salt on his lips as they streamed down your cheek to his mouth. Slowly, he pulled back and looked at you, a smile forming on his lips when he saw a fleck of dried blue paint above your eyebrows.

“Painter Smurf,” he teased, wiping it off. You let out a huff of air that sounded like a laugh. “I’m here for you, angel, whatever you need.” He pulled you against his side and you rested your head on his chest.

“My interview didn’t go very well,” you said after a long moment of silence. “She said that I’m really talented, that my technique is perfect. But my work is too figurative. It’s not what she’s looking for.” You paused to wipe your nose on your sleeve. “It’s just- It wasn’t my first meeting. They all tell me the same thing: I’m not good enough.”

“That’s not true,” Bucky said, kissing your hair. “Your work is unique. It’s raw and beautiful. If they can’t see that then they’re morons.”

“She told me that if I had been a white man in the nineteenth century, people would still talk about me today.” You sighed. “I don’t know, Bucky. Maybe I should work on something more abstract.”

Bucky tilted his head to one side as he looked at your painting. “Is that why you painted this?”

“Mhhh,” you hummed. “She told me to play with the textures, the forms, the lines, the colours. Suggest rather than show. Let the painting tell its own story.”

“Yeah, I think you did it.”

“You think it’s good?”

“I don’t think those adjectives apply here. Not with modern art. It’s in the eye of the beholder,” he said, running his fingers along your shoulder. “Abstract art isn’t supposed to be beautiful, it’s supposed to make you feel something, right?”

“How does it make you feel?”

“Unsettled, sad.”

You straightened up and sat shoulder to shoulder. “My brother died in a hit-and-run.” You let the information sink in for a minute. “I was with Okoye, we got a call from our mom but by the time we got to the hospital, he was already dead.”

Your voice was surprisingly calm and controlled. Bucky wanted to reach out to you but he was unable to move. He listened attentively, his heart squeezing painfully in his chest.

“He was wearing some kind of compression shirt, grey-blue with two white stripes, and it was covered in blood. When I close my eyes and think of that day, all I remember is that shirt and the blood.” You tilted your head and gave him a little smile. “That’s what I painted.”

Bucky didn’t know what to say. He just sat there, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water. He couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Sorry,” you let out a small laugh. “I had a shitty meeting and then I came home and basically relived one of the worst days of my life to put it on a canvas. Now it’s staring at me and all I want is to shred it to pieces.”

Bucky noticed that your hand was close to one of your palette knives. Your fingers brushed against the handle, debating whether you should pick it up and slash the canvas. He laid his hand on top of yours.

“It won’t help,” he said. “Trust me. I can put the painting somewhere else if you want. You won’t have to look at it again. I promise.”

“Yes, please.”

“C’mon, beautiful, let’s go downstairs. I know someone who can help you.” He got to his feet and extended his hand to you. You frowned up at him, a silent question in your eyes. “His name is Bob and he paints happy little trees.”

A bright, wide smile spread until it lit up your whole face, and Bucky’s heart melted at the sight. He grinned at you and pulled you to your feet.

“I love Bob Ross,” you said, and Bucky gave your hand a little squeeze.

In the living room, you sat down on the sofa, crossing your legs under you and grabbed a blanket while Bucky connected his YouTube account to the TV. He sat down beside you, propping his feet up on the coffee table and adjusting the blanket in his lap.

“Hi, welcome back. Certainly glad you could join me today.” The show started and you melted against Bucky’s chest, pulling the blanket up to your neck. “Thought today we could do a fantastic little painting-”

You were pressed against his bad side, but Bucky didn’t mind. As the show progressed, you slid further into his lap until your head rested on the armrest of the sofa, close to Bucky’s right hand.

“People know when you’re happy. They can look at your paintings and tell how you were happy. They reflect your moods. Paintings are a reflection of your innermost feelings.”

He gave your head a little massage while you both watched Bob Ross create a stunning lake view painting.

“Cuz in your world, you can create any kind of illusion that you want. I spent half my life in the military, and I had to live in somebody else’s world all the time. Painting offered me freedom, I’d come home after all day of playing soldier and I could paint the kind of world that I wanted. It was clean, it was sparkling, shiny, beautiful-”

You shifted a little, and Bucky wondered if those words resonated with what you had been through. Being adopted, losing a brother, taking care of your sick mother when your siblings left, graduating, making ends meet... Those experiences had shaped you into the woman you would be for the rest of your life. A kind and strong woman who never really got to live or enjoy life.

He understood how important painting was to you. He was an artist too. He wasn’t a painter, but writing offered him a kind of freedom he had lost a long time ago.

“We should paint along,” you said, tilting your head up to look at him. “Then I’ll sell yours. I bet people would pay a lot of money to own an original Grant Thomas painting.”

Bucky chuckled. He knew you were teasing him, the slight curl of your lips said as much. “I’ll sign it James Barnes. It’ll be worthless.”

“It’s not worthless to me,” you said.

“Would you hang it in your room?”

“Absolutely.”

“Then, okay, I’ll paint along with you.”

When the episode ended, you decided to eat dinner first and paint later. You were sitting at the kitchen island, eating a bowl of leftover pasta from the night before, when Steve came home.

“Hey guys,” he greeted, throwing a plastic bag on the kitchen island before he made his way to his bedroom.

“I’m so fucking late. I still need to take a shower and get dressed.” Steve came out of his room, shirtless, and working his belt buckle open. “Hey, Buck, can I borrow some clothes?”

“I swear to fuckin’ God, Rogers, if you undress in the middle of the kitchen I’ll make you eat your jeans.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

He rushed to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. A minute later, Bucky heard the shower running.

Later, you went upstairs to gather canvases, paint brushes and paint while Bucky helped Steve pick out an outfit.

Steve was too excited about his date to remind Bucky that he was an idiot, and Bucky was happy that for once they didn’t talk about his feelings for you. He teased Steve and watched as Steve squirmed, the tip of his ears bright red. Just like old times.

Then they met you downstairs where you had two easels set up in front of the television. Steve stood in front of you, visibly nervous and agitated, while you looked at him from head to toe.

“How do I look?”

“Like you’re wearing clothes two sizes too small for you, which makes you look even bigger than you normally are so... pretty good.”

“Yeah?”

You chuckled. “You look great, Steve.”

Steve responded with a relieved sigh and a little bashful smile. Bucky liked that look on Steve, it reminded him of their childhood when Steve awkwardly flirted his way through Brooklyn.

Bucky jerked back to the present when Steve turned to him for confirmation. He gave him a firm nod and a thumbs-up, then walked him to the kitchen. They talked about Steve’s plans for the night while Steve gathered up his things.

Bucky was walking back to the living room when Steve called out his name and threw something to him. Bucky caught it in mid-air, then looked down at his hand. A shiny looking condom wrapper was nestled in the palm of his hand. He scowled at Steve.

“Just in case,” Steve said with a shit-eating grin.

“You’re a dead man.”

Steve’s laughter echoed down the corridor as he left the apartment.

Blowing out a breath, Bucky pocketed the foil packet and joined you in the living room. You were sitting at your easel, blobs of paint arranged in a semicircle on a palette. There was another easel next to yours, with a palette resting on a stool to make things easier for him.

You selected the lake view episode you had watched earlier, thinking that it would make things easier. Bucky was in awe of you, you made painting look so effortless and beautiful. You added your own trees and clouds, shifting things around to create your own world.

Bucky followed Bob Ross’ instructions closely but, in his opinion, it looked like someone had made it with their feet. You laughed at his comment and told him that you would still hang it in your room. It boosted his ego a bit.

When you both finished your painting, Bucky looked up at the clock. It was close to midnight which made him do a double take.

“Time for me to hit the hay,” he said, yawning. “This is as good as it’s gonna get.”

“Mhh,” you mused, turning the TV off.

“You okay?”

You shrugged. “Yeah, I- uh, I was kind of hoping we’d do this all night,” you said, playing with a mostly dried paintbrush. You looked at him from under your lashes. “But it’s fine. I understand, you’re tired. I think I’ll wait for Steve.”

Bucky looked at you with a pained expression. He could tell something was bothering you. He placed his index finger under your chin and tilted your head up. “Angel, I don’t think Steve is coming home tonight.” You pinched your lips together and nodded. “Talk to me. I want to help.”

“I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

Your words hit him like a punch in the chest, leaving him momentarily breathless. He pulled you close and pressed a long kiss to your forehead. You clung to him for dear life, your warmth and familiar scent made his heart ache.

“It’s okay,” he mumbled against your skin, then pulled back a little so he could look you in the eye. “Let’s change into something more comfortable, um? Then we’ll catch some shut-eye. I have an idea, the first person to fall asleep has to make breakfast tomorrow.”

“You sure?”

“You’re right. I’m exhausted, I’ll fall asleep first,” he said, shaking his head. “New rule, last person to fall asleep has to make breakfast.”

You snorted. “No, I meant... are we going to sleep in the same bed?”

“I promise I’ll stay on my side. But if it makes you uncomfortable, there’s a bunk bed in Steve’s room.”

“No, it’s fine. I want to wash my face first. I’ll see you in a minute.”

Bucky tried to play it cool but his heart was pounding. He kept seeing flashes of his dreams in his mind: skin against skin, steady puffs of air brushing against his skin, the smell of sweat and something uniquely you surrounding him.

He was absolutely terrified.

He went upstairs, took a quick shower, brushed his teeth and changed into his pyjamas. His night-time regimen took longer than he had anticipated so he wasn’t surprised when he found you sitting cross-legged on his bed, scrolling through your phone, looking so calm and peaceful.

You were wearing your pyjama bottoms and a fluffy sweatshirt stained with blue paint and tomato soup. He felt his stomach flip when you raised your head and smiled at him. A chill ran through his spine, and made the hairs on his arm stand on end. He’d never seen you look more beautiful.

“Hey,” you said, placing your phone on the nightstand. “Which side of the bed do you sleep on?”

“The side you’re sitting on.” You rolled to the other side of the bed and slid under the covers making him laugh. “You didn’t have to move.”

“It’s fine. I prefer this side.” You looked around the room. “I like your room. It’s very you.”

“Ah?”

“Yeah, neat, organized, lots of books, a cosy armchair, stormy blue comforter. It looks intimidating but it’s actually really soft. Like you.”

He suppressed a laugh. “Thanks.”

Bucky climbed into bed beside you, turned off the light and drew the blanket over him trying to get warm. He lay on his back looking up at the ceiling. He was so stiff and nervous, he forced himself to breathe normally. You turned onto your side and slid one of your hands under your pillow.

“Do you usually read before you go to sleep?” you whispered, afraid to disturb the silence.

“Yes,” he whispered back. “Do you?”

“Sometimes.” There was a moment’s silence before you spoke again. “I’ve started reading your book.”

“Oh, Christ,” he let out a small laugh and turned his head to look at you, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. “I hope I didn’t traumatize you.”

“You have a very dark sense of humour,” you said. “But I already knew that.”

“I’ve always had a dark sense of humor, but trust me, when I lost my arm I wasn’t in the mood for jokes. Therapy helped a lot. Besides, laughing is good for your health, right? My books are very personal, I don’t censor myself.”

“I know. I wasn’t expecting it to be so honest.” You shifted a little and looked away from him. “I don’t know if I’ll finish it, I feel like I’m intruding.”

“I understand.” He shifted slightly so he was lying on his left side, facing you. “I wrote it like a diary. Talking isn’t my strong suit. I don’t know, I think I’m trying too hard and I just end up being rude or not making sense. When I write, I take my time, I find the right words. It’s easier when I don’t have to look anyone in the eye.”

He knew his book was a little rough. He focused on his depression, his rehabilitation, relearning basically everything. He talked about rediscovering his body, intimately. He talked about his friends, his family, strangers, therapy, dating.

“Can I ask you a very personal question?”

“Of course.”

“Have you ever been in love?”

He swallowed hard, his throat raw and tight. “Yes.” In fact, he was in love right now. “Once. I don’t trust easily.”

“I know I read what happened between you and your girlfriend.”

She had been his first girlfriend since the accident. She was kind, patient, a little over excited but he found it cute. In a way, she reminded him of himself before the accident. She wasn’t afraid to touch him, and God, he needed to be touched.

Sam had witnessed little things that irked him but Bucky had ignored him, refusing to see the warning signs. He wanted to be happy again. But then he couldn’t bury his head in the sand anymore.

She treated him like a child in front of their friends, and her friends praised her for taking such good care of a man like him. A man who, in their mind, was high maintenance. She cut his meat for him even though he was perfectly capable of doing it himself. She helped him dress, tied his shoes, zipped up his coat, etc... He felt infantilized, humiliated.

He didn’t think she was a bad person though. It was just her personality.

“How’s Natasha?” he asked suddenly.

A puff of air caressed his face as you snorted out a laugh. “Why do you ask? You don’t like her.”

“I like her a lot,” he argued. “She seems wary of me, which I understand, but she’s great.”

“Yeah, she is.” You considered his words. “She’s doing well. She went on work date with Sam.”

Despite his promise to Sam, he couldn’t bear the thought of keeping things from you. “I have to tell you something about Sam and Nat.” You waited for him to continue. “Sam got promoted, he’s moving to D.C. He broke things off with Natasha tonight. I mean, their arrangement.”

“I know,” you said. “She texted me while you were in the bathroom. I’m going to spend the night at her place tomorrow. It’s been a while since we had a girls’ night, and we both really need it.”

“Good.” He cupped the side of your face, let his thumb brush your jaw. “I’m going out with the boys tomorrow. Steve’s leaving soon.” He pulled his hand back. “We should try to get some sleep.”

“No, please,” you said, shifting closer to him. “Not yet.”

“Angel, we can’t stay awake all night.”

“I don’t want to be alone in the dark.”

“I’m right here with you,” he spoke gently.

“But once you fall asleep I’ll be alone.”

Bucky raised his head and kissed your forehead, his lips lingering on your skin. When he pulled back, he rested his hand on your forearm and let his warmth seep into your skin. His thumb caressed the inside of your wrist, stroked over your racing pulse point.

“I’ll wait until you fall asleep,” he said.

“Thank you, Bucky.” You smiled and let your index finger run down the length of his nose. “Does it hurt when you sleep on your left side?”

“Not really,” he replied. “Most of the time it’s just weird. It feels like my phantom limb hangs down through the bed. Like my arm is invisible and just goes through the bed.”

“What do you miss the most?”

He let out a long exhale. “Not much. Hugs. Proper hugs... I guess. Holding someone close and wrapping myself around them. Squeezing someone against my chest, making them feel protected. I used to be a great hugger. Now I give bro hugs.”

“I love bro hugs.”

His chuckled dissolved into a grin, and you both stayed quiet for a moment. He knew you weren’t asleep, he could hear you thinking. “What’s on your mind, beautiful?”

“I was wondering,” you started, then trailed off. “One day we’ll have to end this arrangement. Do you think it’ll end well, or is it going to be messy?”

It took him a minute to respond.

“Y’know, one of the things I learned in therapy was to stop worrying about things I can’t control,” he said. “That’s in the future, for future-you and future-me. I don’t know how it’ll end but I can promise you one thing: I’ll always be there for you. Arrangement or not.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” you breathed out. “Right-now-me is a lucky bitch.”

You both laughed softly, then fell into a contemplative silence. There was something so peaceful about lying in bed with you, his hand loosely wrapped around your wrist, sharing warmth. He didn’t want to fall asleep.

For the next hour you talked about your families, your childhood, your friends, your likes and your dislikes. You told him about being an adopted child and living with other adopted kids. He could tell you were holding back when you talked about your siblings.

The only one you gushed about was Okoye. You were evasive when you talked about Scott and Wanda, though you did tell him that you had agreed to meet Wanda.

“What’s your favorite comfort food?”

“Breakfast for dinner.” Your voice was soft and small, he knew you were falling asleep. “When I was a kid, we had breakfast for dinner every Sunday night. We’d grab a bowl of our favourite cereal and eat together in front of the TV. I miss those days.” Your face was half buried in your pillow. “What’s yours?”

“Easy, pancakes.”

You smiled, your eyes were closed. “I like pancakes too.”

He watched you fall asleep and made a mental note to make some pancakes for breakfast. Your breathing evened out, and he waited a few more minutes to make sure you were asleep before he rolled onto his back and closed his eyes.

Bucky woke up to the sound of rain striking against the window. He opened his eyes and noted that the room seemed brighter than usual. A quick glance at the bedside clock told him that it was already a little past eight.

He stretched, sighing contentedly, and rubbed the sleep from his eyes with his closed fist. He tilted his head to look at you, still sleeping next to him. You lay on your stomach with your face turned away from him and your arms hugging your pillow. He adjusted the covers around your shoulders and stealthy slipped out of bed.

He went to the window and fixed the shades to make sure they didn’t let any light in. Then he made his way downstairs where he found Steve cracking eggs into a bowl. He was still wearing Bucky’s clothes, but his hair was a mess. Still he looked positively glowing.

“Mornin’,” Steve greeted with a wide smile.

“Hey, man.” Bucky took a seat at the kitchen island. “When did you get back?”

“About ten minutes ago. Long enough to notice that your angel hasn’t slept in her room last night. Wanna talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Bucky said with a shrug. “She didn’t want to be alone.”

“So you slept with her.”

“We slept in the same bed. Nuance.”

“I’m gonna nuance your face with my fist if you don’t talk to her soon,” Steve exclaimed. “She’s not going to stay single forever, Buck. Things are gonna change, one way or another.”

“I know.”

Steve set the bowl aside and held the edge of the counter behind him. He sighed, exasperated. “If I were you, I’d talk to her before something happens and takes your choices away from you.”

Bucky pinched his lips together, hard, and looked down at the counter. A muscle in his jaw jumped. “I- I don’t know how to talk to her,” he said, feeling tears gather in his eyes. He met Steve’s eyes. “I physically can’t talk to her. It hurts. It’s stuck here-” he aggressively grabbed his stomach “-all the time. And it hurts, Steve, you have no idea how painful it is.”

“That’s love,” Steve replied, smiling at him like he, too, knew how it felt.

“Well, it fucking sucks.”

Bucky wiped the back of his hand against his runny nose. Steve stood there in silence.

“This book I’m writing,” Bucky said, breaking the silence. “It’s about her. Just her.” He paused. “I can’t back down now, my publicist’s too invested in our story. I know it’s an eccentric way of telling someone you fell in love with them but... writing’s easier than talking.”

Steve nodded, his eyes glued to the floor. “It’s like a long love letter.”

“Something like that.” Bucky climbed off the stool and rounded the kitchen island. “Now, I’m going to make breakfast. I promised her pancakes.”

Steve smiled and watched him move around the kitchen. “I hope it works out for you, Bucky. I really do.”

Part 10

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #marvel #marvel fanfiction #marvel imagines #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #marvel imagine #redgillan #redgillanwrites

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taetaespeaches · 4 years

Text

“Aren’t they supposed to be happy little clouds, Mr. Ross?”

jungkook x reader (or oc) genre: fluff word count: 1.5K

a/n: Ok, so this isn’t much and I don’t know how good it is, but it’s just a small little moment in time while Guk is painting and him and Holly start flirting, as per I kind of wanted to end Jungkook’s two-weeks of uploads with a simple drabble that shows Guk/Holly at their easy-going finest. Oh! And I mention Holly’s dog again for the first in ages because I kind of forgot I made her have a dog in a past drabble. As always, thanks for reading and I hope you all enjoy! :))

ILLUMINATED in the golden rays through the living room window, Jungkook sat back in his chair as he scrutinized the shapes on the canvas propped up on the easel. From your spot in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, you watched your boyfriend as he adorably squinted at the painting, which was still in its early stages. Flicking the paintbrush in quick motions, he filled in the outer edge of the soon to be cloud against a light blue sky.

Grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl, you started toward Jungkook, your form in his peripheral making him snap his head toward you. You took a bite from the apple just before flashing him a close-mouthed smile.

“Hi baby,” he smiled, turning in his chair to offer you his lap. Happily taking the seat across his thighs, you wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Directing your eyes to the canvas, you appreciated his talent for the newly adopted hobby.

“You’re good at this,” you told him, Jungkook wrapping his hand around yours that held the apple, bringing the fruit to his own mouth to bite a chunk out of it. You shot him a small glare, though his cheeky grin immediately made your lips curve upward.

“I’m alright,” he told you, “I’m still learning for sure.”

“You’re a fast learner,” you mumbled, leaning closer to look at his use of color. He had a patch of light blue sky next to the cloud, which was only partially painted, just one white color being used so far.

Jungkook watched you for a moment, admiring the way you always supported him, even in his array of hobbies. Whether he was editing videos, drawing, or playing video games, you could be found nearby ready to watch any clip, compliment his shading, or cheer him on as he killed opponents on the screen.

“Wanna try?” He asked you, you shrugging.

“I wouldn’t mind brushing up on my 13-year-old painting skills,” you joked, Jungkook chuckling at your terrible pun.

“You’ve been spending too much time with Jin-hyung,” he shook his head. “No more ice cream dates.” You giggled at the comment, Jungkook nudging a paintbrush in your direction. “Here.”

“Wait, what? You want me to paint on your painting?” You asked, your eyes wide and concerned.

“Yeah, show me what you got,” he grinned, taking the apple out of your hand and replacing it with a paintbrush.

“I’ll ruin it,” you told him, looking from the paintbrush to the canvas and back to your boyfriend.

“No, you won’t,” he insisted. “What are you talking about? You’re literally an artist, you’re amazing at drawing.”

“Painting is a totally different medium though,” you pointed out, Jungkook rolling his eyes making you raise your eyebrows at him.

“You’ve painted before,” he reminded you, as if that meant you could readily jump right into an already started painting successfully.

“Yeah in an extracurricular class when I was 13,” you giggled. “Jungkook, I am going to ruin this.”

“Just try,” he nodded to the canvas, dismissing your self-doubt as he took another bite from your apple.

Scoffing at him, you looked at the half-eaten apple. “You know, I was eating that.”

“Mhmm,” he grinned. “Get to painting, Holly.”

Sighing dramatically, you turned to the canvas. Looking at the cloud you decided it needed more coloring and shading. Cocking your head at his palette, you mixed some of the white with a gray, creating a lighter shade of gray.

Moving the paintbrush to the canvas, you applied some of the paint, immediately pulling your hand away quickly with a small gasp. “I already ruined it.”

“What? No you didn’t,” Jungkook chuckled, kissing the side of your neck before he took a closer look at the painting. “What’s wrong with it?”

“The gray is too dark,” you pouted, Jungkook smiling as he leaned toward you, pressing a sweet kiss to your pouted lips. “I fucked up,” you whined, the air from Jungkook’s giggling fanning across your face.

“Hey, we don’t make mistakes, we have happy accidents,” Jungkook quoted Bob Ross to you, you giggling as you wrapped an arm around his head, pulling him into a hug.

“Ok, stop being so cute,” you mumbled into his hair, leaving a kiss to the top of his head.

“We’ll just turn them into storm clouds. Darken the sky a bit, it’ll look great,” he told you, you pulling away from his body to look at his adorable doe-eyed expression.

“Aren’t they supposed to be happy little clouds, Mr. Ross?” Jungkook smiled at the question before resting his chin on your shoulder and looking at the canvas once again.

“Who says storm clouds can’t be happy? I like storms,” he noted cutely, you watching him fondly as his honey brown orbs sparkled.

Nodding, you leaned your head on top of his. “I do too.”

A crunch of the apple, Jungkook jaws chomping on the piece of fruit ruined the cute moment, you giggling as you lifted your head, shoving against him, Jungkook cackling at himself. Taking the brush, you dabbed it on the tip of his nose, your boyfriend’s eyes widening comically.

The man gasped in complaint, though he was smiling widely, beyond amused by your action. “How could you?”

“Here,” you giggled, grabbing a rag off the table as he set the apple down. Jungkook had other plans for paint removal.

Grabbing the sides of your face, squishing your cheeks, he told you, “nah, I got it,” before rubbing his nose against yours, you squealing as you tried to move your face away to no avail.

“Jungkook,” you whined, dragging his name out.

“What?” He asked, feigning innocence

Pouting at him, he pulled away to see the paint spread all around your nose, giggling fondly at your feigned saddened expression. He leaned in, kissing your lips tenderly. “What’s wrong, baby?” He asked teasingly in the small series of seconds that he pulled his lips from yours, you giggling against his mouth just before deepening the kiss.

Jungkook easily fell into accordance with your move to further the intimate moment, his hands dropping from your face to your waist, your arm curling around the back of his neck as your other hand cradled his jaw.

“You taste like apples,” you whispered against his lips, Jungkook smiling into the kiss. He was very clearly trying to deepen it, getting worked up and wanting more of you. However, that just made you want to tease him. “Wait, are these acrylics or oil paints?” You questioned suddenly.

“Shhh,” Jungkook silenced you, accompanied with a small giggle as he tried to deepen the kiss once again. He lowered one hand down your hip and onto your thigh, soothing it over your flesh, giving you silent hints that he wanted things to progress. Of course you wanted him too, but sometimes messing with his patience was just too fun.

“They’re oil right?” You asked, Jungkook pushing his mouth to yours harder in an effort to silence you. “Kookie,” you mumbled into the kiss, “I don’t want oil paint on my face.”

The man mumbled, “Just kiss me you brat,” against your lips, you smiling as you allowed him to deepen it just for a moment. A small moment.

“Did you feed the munchkin?” you asked, nearly incoherently, into the kiss suddenly. You were referring to the dog you adopted just a few weeks ago, who was currently sleeping on the sofa a few feet away from you both. Jungkook groaned against your mouth before pulling away and resting his forehead on your chin, you giggling as you placed a quick kiss to the top of his head.

“You’re impossible,” he chuckled lightly, you pressing a few more quick kisses to his forehead. “I did feed the dog by the way,” he mumbled before looking up at you, you giggling as you ran your fingers through the hair at the back of his head.

“I know, I saw,” you teased, Jungkook poking his tongue to the inside of his cheek.

“Stop being such a brat,” he warned you, making you raise your eyebrows at him.

“Why? What are you gonna do about it, Fred?” You challenged him, knowing you were close to making him snap.

Shooting you a warning glare, he asked, “really?” his tone pointed.

“I thought we were painting,” you smirked, Jungkook scoffing before smacking your ass lightly, you feigning a gasp.

“Not anymore.”

Even the most wholesome of hobbies could end up corrupted when you and Jungkook were together. Not that you were complaining. You could always paint some storm clouds later, but in that moment, Jungkook’s darkened gaze and the feeling of his hands running along your body was all that mattered to you.

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starlocked01 · 4 years

Text

Do You Love the Color of the Sky

(pls don’t scroll it’s not that post)

AO3

Masterpost- Previous- Next

Summary: Not being able to see green must suck, but Patton pitied his soulmate more for being stuck with him.

Content Warning: Swearing, Food

Day 26 Queerplatonic Intruality, background Logince- You can't see shades of your soulmate's eye color until you meet and look into each other's eyes for the first time.

Do you love the color of the sky?

Patton scrolled through the ridiculously long post and sighed. He liked most of them but the shades of blue always looked so dull. A lot of people reposted this particular picture set because it was the easiest way to tell what color eyes your soulmate has. Which led to a lot of bored scrolling.

If not for the lack of blue in his life, Patton would have assumed he didn't have a soulmate. It just didn't make sense to him as a concept. He loved all his friends and cared about the people he met in his day to day life, he didn’t feel like anything was particularly missing.

Other than the color blue, that is. He stared at his own green eyes and chuckled sadly. His poor soulmate had never seen summer leaves or blades of grass, probably never liked Luigi as a character, hated driving, and wouldn't recognize Patton's pride flags. Patton had learned about the aromantic spectrum and a lot of his feelings had clicked into place. Romance just wasn't his thing and he was happy. He did worry about disappointing his blue-eyed soulmate. How awful to be tied with someone who won't love you romantically.

Patton's best friend since middle school had managed to find his brown-eyed soulmate at a local cafe. Logan didn't say much but Patton could tell he was ecstatic under the calm exterior. And from the sound of it, Roman was quite the romantic which flustered Logan. Patton was happy for them, really.

"You know, Pat, I could try to set you up on a blind date," Patton looked up at Roman with confusion.

"Oh no, they're blind?" Patton couldn't imagine not being able to see at all.

"Why would you suggest that, Roman. His eyes are only green," Logan interjected from the kitchen where he was preparing dinner for his soulmate and friend. Roman had been the one who insisted on inviting Patton and this idea was probably the reason why.

"No, they aren't blind. A blind date is when you go on a date with someone you haven't met before. I could set everything up! I've got the perfect man in mind-" Roman started rambling excitedly.

"Don't tell me it's your brother," Logan scolded.

"It's my brother, but that's not the point!"

"Don't you think you've put Remus through enough humiliation?" Logan turned, shaking a wooden spoon at Roman menacingly.

"I mean, I doubt he's my soulmate and I'll probably disappoint him, but I'll meet your brother if he's okay with it," Patton fiddled with the napkin holder, trying to diffuse the argument by agreeing. What did he have to lose?

"Fantastic! I'll call him right now!" Roman jumped up from the table, phone in hand.

"Roman! Dinner's almost done, just leave it alone!" Logan called with an exasperated sigh, "sorry, Patton. He does this to everyone."

"It's fine, Lo. A low-pressure date might be nice?" Patton shrugged.

Roman had the whole date set up before dinner was even done. He decided the two would meet for a picnic at the local park that weekend. Patton didn’t even have to say a word and it was all planned out. Logan shook his head but gave his soulmate a small smile.

The day of the picnic arrived. Roman had done everything to get this set up for the two, excited at the possible connection for his brother and new friend. Patton just rolled with it, bringing a small cake he'd made to share.

He found the picnic and spotted Roman talking with a man who looked oddly similar and dissimilar to him at the same time. Patton figured they must be brothers and hesitated several yards away.

The man couldn't look any more different from Patton if he tried. His hair was dyed and Patton thought he spotted the glint of a piercing on his lip just under a trim mustache. For some reason, he'd decided on a black and green mini skirt and fishnet stockings with a ripped My Chemical Romance shirt. It certainly contrasted with Patton's sky grey polo, grey cardigan, and khaki slacks.

Patton took a few deep breaths to try and remember that this wasn't likely to work and was mostly to humor Roman. He'd be nice to Remus. Maybe meet him again at a Christmas party where they both laugh at Roman's poor matchmaking. End of story.

Roman spotted him and waved Patton over, more excited than a puppy brought home from a shelter.

"Patton! Let me introduce you to Remus," Roman grabbed his wrist to yank him the rest of the way over, "I think you guys are really going to hit it off!"

Remus stared at the ground, looking embarrassed. Patton felt really bad as Roman must put him through this all the time. He offered a hand and a warm smile which he took but Remus wouldn't meet his eyes. He was fine with that.

"Alright, I'll leave you two alone to start building chemistry. Good luck!" with that Roman turned and left and Remus let out an exasperated sigh before sitting down on the blanket.

"You don't have to stay. I know he probably paid you or something," Remus muttered at Patton.

"No, I agreed to try, no bribes. I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing you," Patton smiled sadly, kneeling down on the other side of the blanket.

"It's not you, Patton. It's him. He's obsessed with finding my soulmate ever since I told him…" Remus got very quiet, picking at one of the threads of his sock.

Patton urged him to continue, "you told him what?"

"That I'm ace. No one is ever gonna be happy with me so why try?" Remus picked up a rock and threw it hard, "he doesn't believe me and thinks I'm just giving up. I wish he'd just fucking listen to me!"

"Oh, is that all? Gosh, I'm sorry, Remus. I totally get it though! Have you asked him to stop putting you in uncomfortable situations?" Patton was so relieved he forgot that Remus wouldn't know why.

"Don't you think I've tried?? And yet here you are, probably telling yourself you can change me because all anyone would need to do is get in my pants- skirt- whatever and I'll change my tune! Right?" Remus glared at Patton who looked away quickly.

"N-no… I mean I actually get it. I'm aro and I hear a lot of similar stuff from people who don't get it," Patton explained himself softly.

Remus hit his forehead and flopped down onto his back, staring up at the sky, "oh! Oh, of course... I'm sorry for assuming, Patton."

"It's okay. Let's just enjoy this lunch and what I assume is a beautiful day," Patton laid down and stared at the sky, "is it cloudy today or is the sky actually blue?"

"Oh, it's a brilliant blue today, Pattycake. Have you never seen the blue sky?" Remus asked in amazement.

Patton chuckled, "nope, never seen it. My 'soulmate'-" he used finger quotes "-has blue eyes."

"Oh, well it's about the color of your shirt today," Remus grinned, "so I guess you know the difference between leaves and clouds, huh?"

"Green is a beautiful color," Patton smiled, "I hope someday you get to see it with someone who appreciates you for who you are, Remus."

"Thanks, Patton."

They both laid there in silence for a few minutes before Remus broke it, "so what do you think of horror movies?"

"Too scary to watch alone, but I'll watch with a friend," Patton smiled, "opinion on Bob Ross?"

"A treasure, but I wish he drew fewer happy trees and more sad ones," Remus grinned. They continued bouncing questions off of each other, a few starting heated debates as they ate the picnic and just talked.

It was wonderfully non-romantic. Patton felt understood for the first time in a long while.

Remus became more and more animated as their conversation drifted from movies and games to tattoos (Patton showed him a Spongebob tattoo on his ankle much to Remus' surprise) and careers. Patton was shocked to discover that Remus worked in daycare most days, something he would have never guessed from his attire.

"You like working with kids?" Patton asked cheerfully.

"I get to give them back to their parents at the end of the day and sleep like a rock," Remus laughed and took a bite of cake, "let me guess, you're a baker?"

"Not quite, I help run my parents' Mom and Pop diner and they stick me on dessert duty way too often," Patton happily patted his stomach, "I bet chasing all those kids burns about as many calories as I can bake in a day."

Remus snorted, "maybe I should stop by and find out some time."

"Yeah! I make the best cheesecake- if I'm being humble," Patton laughed.

"I love cheesecake! Can we go now?" Remus sat bolt upright with a large grin on his face.

"Don't we have to clean all this up or wait for Roman?" Patton asked, happy but a little nervous to make Logan’s soulmate upset with him.

"Oh come on!"

"I can always just make you one," Patton replied carefully.

"That would imply seeing you again," Remus smirked at him.

"You seemed to like the idea," Patton smiled hopefully, picking at the grass.

"I love that idea. You're so easy to hang out with, Pat. You really do get it, and I'm sure we could have lots of fun together," Patton looked up, tears in his eyes. He took off his glasses and wiped them with the sleeve of his cardigan before meeting Remus' gaze with a smile.

Something in the back of his head clicked. He watched as Remus blinked in confusion and started looking around wildly. Patton felt just as confused until he noticed the sky.

He fell back down on the blanket and stared up at the brilliant depths of blue in the cloudless sky. He could almost feel how far it stretched into the void of space and was utterly in awe, tears streaming down from the corners of his eyes and down his ears. It was magnificent.

Patton lay there crying until his view was blocked by two navy blue eyes, sparkling with joy and streaming tears as well. Patton smiled and opened his arms for a hug which Remus gladly fell into.

Roman came back and found them in each other’s arms, laying on the blanket and talking about everything they couldn't tell anyone else before. Patton made sure later to tell him off for how he'd treated Remus but also thanked him for setting up the date.

They weren't dating. It was something different, but they were happy. And Patton really did love the color of the sky.

Tag List: @stoicpanther @ifrickenhatedeverythingaboutthis @idontgiveafuckaboutshit @tsshipmonth2020

#Soulmate September 2020 #tsshipmonth2020 #qpr intruality #background logince #patton sanders #remus sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #ace remus #aro patton #aspec!sides #tw acephobia #swearing #food #food mentioned

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avauntus · 4 years

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Supernatural - a retrospective

This is super self-indulgent, and I have so much else I’ve promised-- I owe a long-fic rec post, and ao3 comments, wip work, and that’s just my fandom stuff I’m behind on. *sigh*

But it’s late on a Saturday and now I’ve finished Supernatural, I want to share what I think are my top few eps, and a few other comments. I promise some of this will be different from the “greatest hits” you probably usually see, and I’ll try to make it worth your time. *wry smile*

Look, we have to have categories like: “Most Likely to Live in My Head Rent-Free for the Rest of my Life” and “Most Likely to Inspire Unnecessary Fanfiction” that are different from “Favorites,” because that’s just the cursed energy this show has. ;-)

My top five

#5 - 13.01 - “Lost and Found”

Written by: Andrew Dabb | Directed by: Phil Sgriccia

In fandom, this is most often referred to as the start of the “Grieving Widower” arc, tongue-in-cheek. Also has Alexander Calvert (Jack) walking around completely in the nude for the first third of the ep. (Neither of these are why this is in my top 5, but he has a good story about wardrobe for his ‘first day.’)

I didn’t expect much out of this episode the first time I watched it, but I’ve gone over this ‘section’ of the show maybe 3-4 times in my Netflix catch-up, and I watch this one in full every time. From Jack being...not at all what anyone expected and an unsteady vindication, to the stunning cinematography (there’s a post that compares shots to Brokeback Mountain, but I think the shots here might be better), to the sheriff who takes the time to remind her deputy that “...there’s no such thing as ‘weird.’ Everyone’s normal in their own way,” to the slow reveal of exactly how hard the events of the previous night (12x23 - All Along the Watchtower) are hitting Dean and Sam and in different ways...(how long the episode takes to reveal to you how Dean fucked up his hand, and what he was saying when he did. Augh!) The Winchesters are trying to rally, but they have been taking hits for a long time, and the cracks are showing.

#4 - 15.06 - “Golden Time”

Written by: Meredith Glynn | Directed by: John F. Showalter

Supernatural has a terrible track record with representation in all stripes. It is infamously consistent in killing off anyone minority, female, or non-White. One of the interesting things about the chaotic meta-narrative of season 15 is you can see the lack of fucks some of the writer’s room had to give about not even being subtle about tearing down that type of ‘White-male-hero-journey” now that they were in a literal “what will they do, fire me?” situation.

I’m a Cas fan, and this episode, which gives him an actual, ‘case-of-the-week’ hunter’s narrative where he gets to save the day on his own, successfully, was wonderful. I love that for him! But more than that, for me, this episode is emotional to me for other reasons-- the way Dean and Cas circle around each other on their angry phone call (with the body language! They are broadcasting so LOUD and neither can see because they’re on the phone!), Sam’s story here, where he’s inheriting things from Rowena that allow him in turn to save Eileen, to Cas’ speech and quick anger at the lake when you reflect on his entire journey of self-realization from a soldier of blind faith to an agent of free will... “You selfish little men in your positions of authority...” I just... *clears throat, grabs tissue*

#3 - 6.20 - “The Man Who Would Be King”

Written & Directed by: Ben Edlund

Speaking of Cas’ journey... I know some folks don’t like the angst and drama of the ‘Heaven and Hell’ plots of Supernatural, but I am here for it. Oh, did we need another reason to include this episode? This has some of the most metal quotes I have heard from any TV show. Ever.

I mean, look at this:

“If I knew then what I know now, I would have said: Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it.”

“Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like explaining poetry to fish.”

The delivery of: “It's not too late. Damn it, Cas! We can fix this!” “Dean, it’s not broken!” is one of those Supernatural bits that will live in my head until the end of time. All of Edlund’s episodes are among my favorites, but this (along with “5.04 - The End”) was on another level.

#2 - 5.16 - “Dark Side of the Moon”

Written by: Andrew Dabb & Daniel Loflin | Directed by: Jeff Wollnough

I think of this episode every time I hear Bob Dylan sing “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” This is kinda a giant montage episode, but the connecting concepts are so...satisfying.

“Heaven is your favorite memories.” “ It’s called the axis mundi. It’s a path that runs through heaven. Different people see it as different things. For you, it’s two-lane asphalt.” “This is your idea of heaven? Wow, this was one of the worst nights of my life.” “I don’t think I realized how long you’ve been cleaning up Dad’s messes.” “It’s awesome to finally have an application—a practical application—for string theory.” “Everyone leaves you, Dean. You noticed?” “Why is God talking to me? Gardner-to-gardener, and between us, I think he gets lonely.” “You son of a bitch, I believed in... ” Whoosh.

#1 - 4.01 - “Lazarus Rising”

Written by: Eric Kripke | Directed by: Kim Manners

So...this is the episode where Castiel, angel of thee Lord, shows up. And that’s primarily why it earns the no. 1 spot, because 80% of my enjoyment of Supernatural from this point on was Cas-adjacent. Plus this entire episode just hits. ALL OF IT. Dean’s homecoming. Ruby, my darling. Bobby’s entire vibe. Pamela Barnes, easily one of the most interesting women Supernatural ever introduced. Cas being so hot to say “Hi” to Dean he forgets he wounds people.

But beyond that-- the way the show writes their ‘oh, by the way, angels’ narrative! If you haven’t seen this episode, would you believe me if I told you that THIS EPISODE, the episode where Supernatural said “canonically, Judeo-Christian Heaven is real, btw” involves no churches but does involve a séance, a soulmark handprint brand, and a himbo angel that “gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition”...but they were all “no homo, guys” for years?

Truly no one was out here doing it like Supernatural even back in 2008.

Others--

15.18 - “Despair”

“Most Likely to Live Rent-Free in My Head for the Rest of my Life”

Written by: Robert Berens | Directed by: Richard Speight, Jr.

You know why this episode is here. It broke reality. I could be wrong-- but I’d put good money on this episode being the subject of academic theses in the future. That doesn’t automatically make for interesting story, but...

Has there ever been a case, in a mainstream US TV show where a major lead character (Cas) came out as queer so late in the game in a narratively-important way? I’m not aware of it, but I might just be behind on my television.

This episode has great writing, and (blessedly) amazing direction and blocking anyway. Check out the above gif - that is some next level foreshadowing going on in the cinematography, and this isn’t even the most remarked upon shot in this episode. (Seriously, I had to search for 40 minutes for this gif, please respect my game, lol.) Everyone who was involved in 15x18 is giddy talking about their investment, from the costume designer to the actors to the director to the writer...

...And then a bunch of them steadfastly have avoided posting much Supernatural-related since. So that’s...loud. There is a bunch of subtext in this episode that is screamingly loud; there is a bunch of text in this episode that makes several things clear fandom has been chattering over for years and years. The meta-commentary around this episode continues, months later. There are over 700 fics on AO3 with this episode tag.

I have more to say about the themes of ‘free will’ and ‘love’ and ‘identity’ tied to this episode, but seriously-- you’ve probably read 17 versions of it on Tumblr already, so.

This is the last time we see Cas, and the last time Supernatural can claim anything close to narrative consistency. For that alone, it’d earn free head-space.

Runners-up: “4.20 - The Rapture”; “5.04 - The End”; “7.21 - Reading is Fundamental”; “8.21 - The Great Escapist”; “9.06 - Heaven Can’t Wait”; “12.19 - The Future”; “14.08 - Byzantium”

6.17 - “My Heart Will Go On”/8.07 - “A Little Slice of Kevin”

“Most Likely to Inspire Unnecessary Fanfiction”

Written by: Eric Charmelo & Nicole Snyder (6.17); Brad Buckner & Eugenie Ross-Leming | Directed by: Phil Sgriccia (6.17); Charlie Carner (8.07)

Usually the show kills off it’s “one-episode” female characters, but do you know one time it didn’t? When the Moirai (the Fates - specifically Atropos, the shearer of the Threads of Fate) showed up in canon in 6.17. She was posited to have “two older sisters that were bigger than her- in every sense of the word,” ...and Castiel had to back down when she challenged him to a cosmic game of chicken over the Winchester’s lives.

Then they never returned to that idea again.

“A Little Slice of Kevin” is on here for the opposite reason -- an amazing idea that was really underwritten in the episode it showed up in. Dean Winchester has been dragging himself across the fabric of universes; the literal Word of God is in play in a warehouse in Middle America; Cas is back from Purgatory, but what does that mean, micro and macro? As a person on the street, what would it mean, or feel like, to learn you were a Prophet of the Lord, uncalled? That what you are, everything you are, is a cosmic contingency?

Maybe Fate has an opinion on all these shenanigans?

Perhaps all that doesn’t make sense, but it certainly made an impression on ~2012 me. To this day, it remains the WIP I can open up and fool myself with the ‘twist.’ I wish I remembered where I was going with it so I could finish it.

Runners Up: “2.20 - What Is and What Should Never Be”; “5.04 - The End”; “6.15 - The French Mistake”; 12.12 - “Stuck in the Middle (with you)”; “13.05 - Advanced Thanatology” “14.03 - The Scar”; “14.10 - Nihilism”; “15.15 - Gimme Shelter” ... and “15.20 - Carry On” (obviously)

Fifteen seasons. There were plenty of other episodes I loved that didn’t make these limited lists. But overall -- thank you, Supernatural, for the run. Even if I’m upset at the ending, I can appreciate the game. If you watch the show, what were your favorite episodes?

#spn #supernatural #meta #review

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blacksurvivalnostalgichanges · 4 years

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Black Survival characters as RTgame quotes

i have a new way to fill a day when i don’t know what headcanon i could use:special posts

Adela: (Check) There’s a check. Keep popping them in check. (Check) (Check) (Check)

Adriana: Radical has taken the burgle land really to heart and he’s just setting fire to the forest.

Alex: Hey bro you want some tequila? (yeets tequila bottle at a guy)

Arda:(writes down “Mom i’m sorry”) Good start.

Aya: You cant escape the law! I have the ability to teleport! Don’t make me finger gun you!

Barbara: Well, that was a fast midlife crisis. Happy birthday! Midlife Crisis time!

Bernice: (holds a guy’s face) Ned, I... never said this, but sometimes when I look into your eyes- NO, DON’T, COME BACK HERE-

Bianca: These are all, just, like, weird planet names. Like, Zoton, Cropin, Cragos. Draarendy...? Perotex, m- (laughs) wait, WAIT WAIT- Wait that was just the poor man’s Mars, come on. That last one was just Mares. Could you name all the planets in the solar system? Oh we got earth, venus, saturn, Mares- (written in 10/7 so we’ll see how this ages once bianca gets released, maybe she won’t be the same gimmick as jackie)

Camilo: “It’s just, all those years ago... It was so hard-” Oh no. “I didn’t know how to raise Sarah alone.” Hey ned, let’s do some more dancing! (dances) Doooo doo doo do doo dododo! Haa haa haaa!

Cathy: ‘S a little bit pricy, but fuck it! I don’t know how to play Monopoly, let’s go!

Chiara: “This is the man in question, Edward Romsey. A teacher once, would you believe?” But then he forgot to buy Dosney related products.

Daniel: “Barbara just discovered how to make a Grim Reaper Snowman”... (looks at snowman with a black cape and a scythe) Oh Gooood.

Echion: (fuckboy voice) They call it... The Fortnite, the new violent shooter from Epic Games Studios that kids are dropping out of school to play.

Eleven: I made the smoothie! I made the smoothie! (car crashes)

Eva: Heart’s desires... (reading out options, starts laughing) “to be tall”!

Emma: (petting the side of someone’s head) Stroke him gently.

Fiora: Now remember your training, guys, big circle-shape swings, okay, you wanna try to get a figure A motion, okay? If you remember that, nothing will go wrong in an actual fight. And remember to have fun, it’s an important part of the experiment. (whacks everyone in a row in a few seconds) Who’s next?

Hart: (playing guitar) I call this little ditty Wonderwall. You may not have heard it before.

Hyejin: You’re supposed to click evacuate BEFORE the disaster happens!

Hyunwoo: What could a dog have possibly done to go to jail?!

Isol: Can I take your handgun? This loaded? ....Pal, do you have any ammo? I’m trying to fire this handgun in your store. I’m gonna take this with me, thank you.

Jackie: Oh no, not this again. We did this two years ago, I’m not doing it again! -It’s happening again. I thought I was finished playing Groundhog Day!

Jan: This man unironically says epic, I don’t know if we can trust him.

Jenny: Are there any controls I might have? (the plane starts going down) Oh, B just stalls the engine.

JP: Thanks to VR, I can now be more gay than normal.

Lenox: I’m trying to do big brain plays here, but I’m not a smart woman!

Leon: We have seven thousand viewers for Wii Sports, and we’re top ten on Twitch- wh- why are people here-

Li Dailin: You know how in like, the third Harry Potter, the night’s bus takes Harry to Hogwarts? Like, the leaky cauldron, and... you’re not really sure how he’s dodging all these cars?

Luke: I’ll be, like, sleeping tonight, i’ll be waking up in a cold sweat, and be like “Good air!” His soul has been trapped in Wii Sports since 2009, he hasn’t been able to leave this game. ‘I wonder if the voice actor talks like this in real life as well’. Could you just imagine if he has a wife and kids, and the trainer’s like... (enthusiastically) ‘Good morning!’ ‘Darling, it’s-it’s been like nine years since Wii Sports Resort voiceover.’ ‘I know, right?’ ‘Like, you have to talk like a normal human being again! You can’t just keep putting the family through this!’ ‘Nice air!’ ‘WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THIS! WE’RE NOT IN THE AIR!’

Magnus: (somehow breaks glass by grabbing it) My hands are bleeding terribly.

Mai: “Alice, I want to speak to your manager.” Dude, it’s just coffee. It’s just coffee. ....He’s a karen, isn’t he? (points at him) You’re a karen.

Nadine: (shoots at the bullseye) I’m already a pro. Look at that. Watch me get it again. (shoots at the bullseye again)

Nathapon: (writes down ‘hi my name is Oole’) Always important to put your name on your notebook. You know, just in case you lose it.

Nicky: (swinging wii remote wildly towards mii) Why won’t... you die?! (game starts) Oh that was practice-

Rio: Do you wanna be that guy who reads everything on Wikipedia? Play this game.

Rosalio: Oh jesus- oh, I didn’t expect for there to be consequences-

Rozzi: (jumping off a plane with a parashoot, people start locking hands with the avatar) Lose ‘em, lose ‘em! (shakes wildly to get them away) Get ‘em off me! Get ‘em off me!

Shoichi: ‘Ey Daithi, how much would it cost for me to buy that off ya?’ ‘Uh, one thousand, one hundred and forty- (amount of money changes) Oh sorry, just changed! One thousand, one hundred and twenty nine.’ ‘You’re gonna leave me with a dollar.’ ‘Yep.’

Silvia: (Picks up a gun) Is it loaded? (points it at herself and pulls the trigger repeatedly) Doesn’t appear to be.

Sissela: “Pulmonary oedema”... I can’t even pronounce it, that sounds really bad.

Sua: Oh my god, bless his heart. Ross Bob just came back from the dead to feed the cat. He’s actually the sweetest man alive.

William: They all keep saying “I’d love to stick around but I gotta go”. They don’t- they don’t have a say in this

Xiukai: Why did the donut cause me to hallucinate so badly??

Yuki: “Fix everything and leave”. I need that button IRL. Fix everything and leave.

Zahir: (accidentally drops glass) I appear to be struggling. (looks around and grabs a tiny drink umbrella) Would you like an umbrella?

#black survival #headcanons #black survival headcanons #again i'm not tagging all of this shit #incorrect quotes

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like-rain-or-confetti · 6 years

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Request: An Artist (Marcus Volturi x Reader)

Marcus was enjoying peaceful time in the Caius. It felt rarer than it actually was. It had become more so now that a human was under their wing. He could hear you lurking around somewhere but never the less, he was certain you wouldn't be looking for him. Nor would he want to be found by you of all people. As a matter of fact, Marcus was enjoying the silence and completely consumed by his thoughts that he actually jumped when there was a loud whack at the window. "Marcus!" You squealed from behind the glass, your face pressed up against the glass, your breathing fogging up with window. It was horrifying, truly a sight he wished he could forget. You pointed at the bottom of the window and he sighed, getting up from his chair and opening the window. "Hiya Marcus!" You grinned and began climbing through the window, forcing him to step back. "(Y/N), Caius has told you about entering through windows. There are many good doors around this castle." "You scoffed as you closed the window. "He isn't my dad." "Consider yourself lucky. If you were his child and pulling such antics, you can guarantee the belt." You made a face, not particularly enjoying the thought. "Now, what brings you here to visit me, cara mia?" "I've been looking for you for a while now." "Outside? The sun is beaming down today. Why would I be outside?" You shrugged. "(Y/N), you know I'm always here." "Yeah, but I thought that might have been different today, anyways, I was wondering if you, the gentle soul that you are, have any paint?"

Marcus stared at you. He would have made comment about your compliment on his soul, as naive as it was, but was completely focused on the last part. Paint. Why on Earth would you want paint? "Why?" "So there's this guy called Bob Ross- amazing guy. He's probably the most soothing person on this planet, more gentle than you which says a lot. Anyway, he paints and I was talking to Alec and Demetri about it. That's when I had the idea to recreate one of his paintings." Marcus stared down at your beaming smile, suspicious and unnerved by what the consequences could be. "If I give you them, can I be assured that you won't make a mess?" You nodded enthusiastically. Marcus pondered again. "Can I also be assured that if Caius finds out that you won't tell him I gave you them?" "Absolutely!"

Alec groaned, head in hands when you came back, box in hand as Demetri leaned back in his chair to get a better look at you. You grinned at the guards who had entered the kitchen since your departure- Jane and Felix. After about fifteen minutes of setting up you already felt success as you got your canvas and easel ready. "Have you ever done this before?" Demetri was slightly scared to know the answer. "Uhhhh, does preschool count?" Alec made a noise as his head fell into his hands again. "Where do I even start?" With that opening statement, it began your journey, with the Volturi, of painting. Soon enough you had to get your laptop to be guided step by step. "Oh yes, this is going well." You whispered as you dragged the brush across the canvas. "Why are you whispering?" Jane asked. "Because this colour is gentle and so to transfer the gentle, I have to be gentle in body and soul." The more you added to it, the more you began to grow nervous. "Wait, what if I'm doing it wrong? I have the fear right now." "It's too early to tell." Felix gave you a confused look. "So I know his next technique, it's to beat the hell out of the brush." As you looked towards the guard you froze. They were all staring at you in a certain way. "I'm sensing the vibe that we don't like the 'H' word and so I will use his words as a direct quote and say 'beat the devil out of it'...in the sink. I have a promise to keep."

After another twenty minutes you stepped back again. "Okay, I think we've nailed the sunset....but I need to finish the sky. I don't want to. That's really blue and I don't want to ruin my progress." "Sweetheart, it's your work. You can't ruin something that's a work in progress." Demetri smiled at you. "Oh I need that optimism in my life." You mumbled. You meekly applied the blue and purples, blending them together. "You're actually doing quite well." Felix encouraged you with a grin. "Okay, so I'm thinking we need some clouds...I'm being bold. I am a human on the edge!" You tried to boost yourself up making Demetri and Felix chuckle. You pulled back sharply. “Oh no, oh no, oh i was too bold. Oh what the h--heck is that!?” You were eyeing the white smudge you had made on the canvas. It could still pass as a cloud, it was just very oddly shaped, more rectangular than anything else. “Wait i can fix it, wait i should leave it alone. Guys what do I do!?” “You stop screaming for one.” Alec spoke up. “You’ll worry Marcus.” “Will he be able to help me!? If so, i’ll scream like a lunatic to get his attention.” “No!” The four guards chorused.

“Okay we’re going to ignore the mess that is the clouds and pretend, for my sake, it never existed. Bob! Lead me to greatness!” You were silent for a couple of minutes concentration hard. “So I have made a mountain, who’s just hanging out and having a good time all day- just like me.” You turned to look back at your laptop. “Oh...he has paint on a knife. I did not foresee this.” You looked around as the guards looked at you nervously. You turned on your heel and power walked to the drawer. “(Y/N), please be careful.” Felix groaned as you grabbed a blunt knife. You squeaked as you quickly brushed the knife over the top of the mountain. “Oh wow, you actually did pretty good.” “Awesome because i was holding my breath.” You said uneasily.”Okay now, grass. Im thinking of kind of doing my own little thing here by using three different shades of green, maybe do a little path? Damn it, (Y/N), one thing at a time.”

Marcus heard silence and whilst he enjoyed it, this silence made him uneasy since he had given you paint. Your scent and heartbeat lead him to the kitchen. The four guards were watching you intently. Marcus moved to see your work. “Well, it seems we’ve found you a hidden talent. Not bad, my love, not bad at all.” You looked over at Marcus. “Oh hi!” You grinned. “Sorry, i got really into this at the end there.” “No, no, don’t mind me.You had gone quiet and i won’t lie, i got worried.” You chuckled at that, inspecting your master piece. “Okay, i’m officially done, i am an artist now. No one can take that away from me and thank you Bob Ross.” You grinned as you turned to the fridge. “Why are you walking like that?”Jane asked. “This is my artist walk.” You didn’t turn around as you moved to grab a drink from the fridge.

#request #twilight #volturi #the volturi #marcus volturi #reader

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prairiedust · 6 years

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The Folktales of Supernatural

Here is the third and probably last post in my trilogy of the folkloristics, folklore, and folktales of Supernatural. You do not have to read the first and second posts necessarily, but it is a series, so…

Anyways, in Unhuman Nature, Ross-Leming and Buckner gave us a thumbnail of season three’s main arc-- Dean’s imminent hell deal-- in Jack’s perfectest day evaar. However, Dean got to do for Jack what no one was able to do for him when he was living under the shadow of his own death. Instead of taking a joy ride, going fishing (or to the beach, come ON show,) or fine okay spending some time with a girl with daddy issues (come ON buckleming,) Dean took care of business and showed Sam how to take care of the car. When Sam was also undergoing the Trials, they were again racing against the clock. Cas, too, was under the shadow of the Leviathan infestation, and there was very little carpe in the few diems he had left until the creatures destroyed him. There was always the understanding in Unhuman Nature that TFW would be doing everything possible to save Jack, but while Sam and Cas were best tasked with trying to find a cure, Dean knew that what would be the right thing for Jack was not being in the bunker dwelling on his imminent demise, and living is a particularly Dean thing.

It was a wonderful way of retelling this particular series legend, and using that series “motif” in a new way (anyone want to tackle a Supernatural Motif Index LOLOLOL) to do the “what happens when a story is retold” theme.

So, to tie up this trilogy of close readings, I want to talk a little about how the European version of Sleeping Beauty is a good way to understand what else is going on thematically with the trifecta of recursion-retelling-mirroring that’s been going on.

There are very few citations here as the evolution of Sleeping Beauty is more or less accepted as general knowledge now-- the concept is explored in Folk and Fairy Tales 2nd edition, edited by Martin Hallett and Barbara Karasek. It’s also on Wikipedia, if you’re into that.

CW for discussion of the non-est con to ever non-con and other unsettling themes that are nonetheless perfectly ordinary in folklore.

Sleeping Beauty was once considered to be perhaps one of the most wholesome of the Grimms’ fairy tales, but (in pop culture at least) the shine is starting to wear off. I was playing the Ellen edition of Outburst with some people I didn’t even know about a month ago and one of the “clues” was “Sleeping Beauty” and as soon as the guesser put that card up on her forehead, a guy shouts out, “That story is about sexual assault, fight me!”

Which makes this particular “folk tale” a neat way to show how folklore, or storytelling and retelling, is such a good frame for season 14.

I mentioned in the first post of this series that Sleeping Beauty is a great example of the intercycling of folklore and literature-- oral tales can become literary works, and vice versa, and they can comment on one another in surprising ways.

Let’s start with one of the most recent iterations of the Sleeping Beauty story and a move from one kind of text to another-- Disney’s 1959 animated movie, “Sleeping Beauty.” I know a lot of readers on here will know it-- and we’ll work our way down to the centuries-old bones of this tale.

Right off the bat, we get a really great (and subverted!) example of that “rule of three” 2/1 pattern I already talked about. The king and queen invite three “good fairies” to their daughter’s christening. They are even called “good fairies” by the herald as they enter on a sunbeam, so you already know there’s gonna be a bad one. The first fairy, Flora, gives Princess Aurora the gift of beauty. The next, Fauna, blesses the baby with the gift of song. Before fairy #3-- Merryweather-- can bestow her gift, Maleficent arrives, totally pissed that she hadn’t been invited but cool as a frozen cucumber, casually lies about her reason for showing up and then curses Aurora to prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die on the evening of her 16th birthday. Merryweather uses her turn to alter Maleficent’s curse, as she does not have the power to nullify it: Aurora will fall into a deep sleep that only “true love’s kiss” can awaken her from. In hopes of protecting her from the curse in any way shape or form, King Stephan orders every spinning wheel in the kingdom to be burned, but the fairies say that this will not be enough so they sequester her in the woods under the alias Briar Rose, and they all live as peasants, eschewing magic and raising her in almost total isolation so that Maleficent can not find her to work the curse. Neat. Briar Rose gets into mischief anyway, gads about the forest singing like a klaxon, meets a prince named Phillip who is having Adventures in the Woods, falls In Love™ with him despite some now-creepy hand-grabbing. Later the fairies tell her not to worry about mysterious forest dudes and traumatize her by telling her that her entire life has been a lie, and then inexplicably send her home to the palace for her 16th birthday celebration despite the fact that the whole reason for hiding out was to keep Maleficent from being able to find her. Maleficent discovers that Aurora is at the palace, games the anti-spindle situation by luring Aurora up to a tower to a magical spinning wheel; Aurora pricks her finger on the spindle, and Bob’s your uncle. The good fairies put everyone in the castle into a deep sleep (so that while they are waiting for some weirdo to fall in True Love with a sleeping teenager, eugh, the people she knows (aka JUST MET) will sleep with her so that they won’t be upset by the complete failure of their plans) the fairies realize that Prince Phillip, the guy that Aurora has been betrothed to since she popped out of the womb, is one and the same as Mysterious Forest Dude that she fell in love with, and they send him to Aurora’s castle. Maleficent imprisons him, the fairies help him escape, he tears through a thorn bush that Maleficent creates as an impediment, kills the witch, and wakes Aurora with a chaste kiss. It’s fine, they met once, it was only a kiss (IT WAS ONLY A KISS), and this was 1959. So, that’s the Disney text in a nutshell. Folklorist Kay Stone says in her book Some Day Your Witch Will Come that while Disney had been called “a ‘Master of Fantasy’ in fact Disney removed most of the powerful fantasy of the Marchen and replaced it with false magic.” While her criticism of the Disnified Grimms tales is explicitly feminist, the criticism stands as Disney’s product is far divorced from the folk “originals.”

Most people are familiar with the Grimms’ written version of “Sleeping Beauty,” or “Little Briar Rose,” as they titled it when they published it in their first collection. This is the version that Disney partly modeled their story after. I won’t retell it, I’ll just discuss differences between the two versions, so please go read D. L. Ashliman’s translation here. It’s short. And. It turns out that the German “folk tale” that the Grimms brothers harvested is more than likely based on a story that was published by Charles Perrault in France which re-entered the Germanic oral tradition at some point. In this version, there are thirteen “wise women” (as opposed to fairies) in Briar Rose’s estimable father’s kingdom, but he only has twelve golden plates for them at the celebration of her birth, so he only actually invites twelve wise women (which is a hilarious commentary on what the lower classes thought of the nobility, am I right? Heaven forbid you don’t have enough fancy plates, quelle horreur or rather wie schrecklich or whatever the German equivalent would be.) Again, after eleven blessings, the evil crone who was disrespected barges in and curses the princess to prick her finger on a spindle (not the spindle of a spinning wheel, though) and die at fifteen; The next-eldest of the wise women modifies the curse and dad has all the spindles destroyed. Fifteen was apparently too young for a sexual awakening in 1959 but it was fine in 1812. Also, there were no shenanigans in the woods-- Briar Rose grows up a princess. She finds an old woman illicitly spinning in the castle one day and wants to try it, pricks herself with the spindle (the German version never specifies where) and her sleep is so profound that the entire castle falls asleep with her. A massive thorn hedge grows up because neglect, and eventually conceals the castle, and all that is left of the kingdom is a legend. Many other princes met agonizing deaths in that thorn hedge trying to get to Briar Rose but one day Her ACTUAL Prince shows up. The thorns turn to blossoms, he sails right through, kisses the girl, and as she wakes up so does the whole castle. The tale is over with an “and they lived happily ever after” ending.

Charles Perrault, the Frenchman who wrote the version of “La belle au bois dormant” or “The Sleeping Beauty in the Woods” that the Grimms’ informant possibly retold a hundred years later, has seven good fairies invited to the shindig, because everyone assumes that fairy number eight is dead or too ill to travel or senile or whatever. Here you can see that this isn’t an error made because a king was afraid of committing a faux pas and not from being afraid of the “bad” fairy, but because no one bothered to check on the old woman and find out what the reality was. You know what they say about what happens when you assume. So this time a young fairy steps forward and changes the curse, and instead of violently burning all the spinning wheels and spindles, the king merely outlaws their use. When the princess is sixteen or seventeen, (French nobles apparently had a little more childhood than German peasants,) she finds an old woman spinning in a tower who has remarkably never heard of the spinning ban. She hands over the spindle and the princess pricks her hand, and faints dead away. The king puts her on a bed of gold and I’m gonna quote Ashliman for this next part: “When the accident happened to the princess, the good fairy who had saved her life by condemning her to sleep a hundred years was in the kingdom of Mataquin, twelve thousand leagues away. She was instantly warned of it... [and] set off at once, and within an hour her chariot of fire, drawn by dragons, was seen approaching.” She puts everyone in the castle to sleep and this time the thorn hedge is actually a privacy fence that sprouts up under the good fairy’s magic. A hundred years later, some prince is having Adventures in the Woods when he sees the tops of the castle towers from a distance. One of his retinue tells him there’s a pretty girl inside, so he goes to check it out. Bruh, the brambles part for him magically, but allow only him, out of all of his party, to enter. He doesn’t awaken this princess with a kiss, but by the mere act of falling down beside her and being so genuinely and enormously in love with her that she wakes up on her own. Ol’ Charlie’s story is not over by half, though. They talk for hours, Perrault has a lot about eating and getting dressed and then they nap together a little, and finally get married. The prince’s mother is an ogre, however, and wants to eat her grandkids, Dawn and Day. Where does this come from? Why is it in here? What the actual heck? And it gets crazier from there. The prince becomes king and rides forth to wage war in a distant land, and the queen actually tells her steward that she wants to eat the little girl for her dinner. He tricks her by hiding Dawn and serving the queen a lamb instead. Next day, she wants to eat the little boy. He tricks her again by serving her a baby goat. Then, she wants to eat her daughter-in-law and they serve the evil queen venison. Then one day she hears the voices of her erstwhile entrees in the castle, discovers that she had been tricked, and prepares a cauldron full of venomous reptiles to throw the three innocents into to their deaths. The prince-turned-king shows up just in time and his mother is so beside herself with rage that she actually throws herself into the vat instead. So, yeah, weird stuff. Stuff that the Germans left out, or forgot, or decided that there was no “moral” that they wanted anything to do with. Was Perrault out of his damn mind?

WELL AS IT TURNS OUT, Perrault was actually retelling a Neapolitan folk tale that had been collected long before by a fellow named Giambattista Basile. He called the story “Sun, Moon, and Talia.” There is some evidence that it predates Basile, but most folklorists start there because the problem with oral tradition is that it’s rarely written down (ba-dump-tsss.) So we can definitively pick up the European version of Sleeping Beauty in Naples, Italy, in the early seventeenth century, when this mid-level clerk and author writes down a whole bunch of “nursery tales” and then dies. One of the stories he writes down is called “Sun, Moon, and Talia.” And I didn’t want to talk about it much before, except that I think understanding that Perrault seriously sanitized Basile’s story is the perfect illustration of “what happens when a story is retold.” In Basile’s story, to which I’m linking an okay version here with a content warning for rape and for the fact that they linked that painting “Nightmare” to the story, http://www.mftd.org/index.php?action=story&act=select&id=3364, Talia the princess is not cursed, but her father’s scholars tell her fortune and say to the king that she would “incur great danger from a splinter of flax.” He forbade flax (from which linen is made) from entering the castle. So in this version, it is the material, not necessarily the method of transforming it, that imperils the princess. Yes this is a giant metaphor for sexual intercourse and/or loss of innocence. Nonetheless, she comes across a woman who is spinning flax into thread, wants to try it, and gets a splinter under her nail. She falls down dead. The king is heartbroken, shutters the castle, and leaves her propped up on a throne. Some time later, another king comes across the castle, explores it, sees the dead Talia who seems to be weathering her death remarkably well, and has his way with her. I can only imagine what ran through Perrault’s head when he came across this. “Sacre bleu!!! Non, non ma petite chere, this will not do. A true king would never!” or something like that. ANYWAY, Basile’s story is still the frame on which Perrault based his literary fairy tale, for Talia gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl, Moon and Sun, one of which sucks the splinter out of her finger, and she awakens. The king finds her but keeps her a secret. The king’s wife (he has a wife!) sends for them, and then to get revenge on her husband she orders the children cooked and served to him one day, but again there is a switcheroo and the cook uses lambs instead, and later it all comes out and Talia marries the king and Basile’s moral (vastly different than that of Perrault) is “Those whom fortune favors find good luck even in their sleep.” I don’t know if that was written in “sarcasm gothic” or not.

The bones of all of the stories are the same, but in each iteration something has changed which makes a huge impact on the overall themes of each telling. First, Perrault drops the rape of Talia, and slides the villain role over to the prince’s mother and makes the rape-king a virtuous prince to erase the royal philandering and necrophilia, and there is no kiss at all. The Germans bring the kiss back, weirdly enough, to somehow reach back through Perrault’s chivalrication to the sexual component of Briar Rose’s awakening-- it might be the imagery of the spindle, which in some cases is a big rod typically dropped between a spinner’s knees to make the yarn or thread, or it could be the completely bonkers idea that just kneeling beside her bed would not be enough to break the kiss (but then again, why wouldn’t a test of virtue be enough? Indeed, in the Disney version, the three fairies arm Phillip with “the shield of virtue.”) In Basile’s version, Talia dead, not sleeping, and in the Disney version there is the totally weird seclusion until young adulthood (that weirdly enough hearkens to the Irish legend of Deirdre, a woman who was betrothed to the king of Ulster and was sequestered to both preserve her innocence and thwart a dire prophecy but who still managed to run off with another guy and cause an epic war) and they rename the princess Aurora, which is Latin for Dawn, which is the name of her daughter in the French version. It’s all very intermangled.

Did other stories with similarities come from a single stalk, an ur-story like the Great Hunt may have? D. L. Ashliman in Folk and Fairy Tales: A Handbook tells us that Grimm and other folklorists believe that these SB stories are the vestiges of myths (132) such as the story of Brunhilde, who was put to sleep with an enchanted thorn for reaping a warrior favored by Odin. Or does this particular metaphor just crop up in cultures everywhere through synchronicity? In the Japanese folktale The Matsuyama Mirror, a young girl is given a mirror by her father, who tells her that whenever she is sad she can look in the mirror and see her mother, and eventually the mirror’s symbolism thwarts her evil stepmother, much as in the story of Snow White. Is there an even older story that connects these two?

I chose these four versions of Sleeping Beauty because for one thing this story was mentioned in the text of The Scar, they are clearly family, and the American/European versions are the most familiar to me (and I assume at least the American audience of Supernatural) so it easy to demonstrate this “digging down” to get to the seed of a story-- in this case the sterilization of the Sleeping Beauty story is an excellent metaphor for a powerful trauma weathering and being repressed-- or healed-- over time. Many scholars have noted the sexual symbolism of the spindle, which if you’ve never seen one is a rod of varying lengths with a round weight at the bottom, and in hand-spinning, typically a spinner hangs the spidle between their legs and it can pump up and down as it spins. Even the later versions of the story that feature spinning wheels have a spindle on them, and it is an unmistakably phallic component of the rig, coupled with the pistoning action of the spinner’s foot on the treadle to spin the flywheel. So hm. However, not all spindles are sharp enough to possibly prick a hand or a finger, and in the original “Talia” it is the flax splinter that inserts itself into her flesh. At any rate, it’s a metaphor for sexual penetration retold for an audience that has increasingly moved further and further away from being able to see (or is unwilling to acknowledge) sexual subtext.

Jack’s perfect day was bittersweet, but was also unmistakably idyllic and idealized, almost Disnified, although the magic was still unmistakably powerful. The scene by the river, where Jack explicitly invokes the memory of John, should also illuminate scenes from the series’ past, such as Dean’s dream sequence where he was fishing off of a dock, or where rogue angel Daniel was fishing when he was found by Castiel and Hannah. Fishing is a motif, if you will; it’s been featured in the show before. Jack’s eventual death is one of the show’s tale types. Dean, Sam, and Cas have all been through it-- as Cas says in The Spear, it’s “something of a rite of passage.” But we’re being told this story again from a point of view that was almost tragically abbreviated the first time-- when John trades his soul for Dean’s in In My Time of Dying, we got very little of what it means for a parent to sacrifice themselves for a child. Likewise, the other times that TFW faced their dooms, they had (albeit under duress) volunteered themselves. Jack was an innocent. Dying is perhaps the ultimate loss of innocence-- it certainly was for Talia. So by stripping away the halcyon glow of the river scene, we get to the bones of where the “under threat of impending death” tale type originated in the series.

This whole season so far has been the most clever way possible to do a “retrospective.” It’s not a sign that a show is tired, but that it has reached a point of self-reflection that very very few shows ever get to.

I have to wonder if this way of painting season 14’s arc through a constellation of motifs-- through callbacks as hysterical as the Scooby lunchbox full of pressurized gas in Mint Condition to returning characters as poignant as Lilly Sunder’s appearance in Byzantium, to thematic parallels to past seasons-- is going to continue into the second half of the season. We will know quickly, as the stakes have been raised after Dean’s repossession, whether Dabb and his writers continue to use the motif index of the show, or if this retrospective period is over and we’ll be covering new thematic ground. I will say, this theme has been tied up pretty neatly with the mid-season finale, that while Castiel essentially stepped into the Jack’s Fractured Fairy Tale much the same way that the way the good fairy modifies the evil fairy’s curse in Sleeping Beauty, that choice could shift everything in his mythos over to “beat the devil” which is another favorite SPN story, Tale Type 210a or whatever (and is irl ATU 330: The Smith Outwits the Devil and hopefully would be 330C which is the kind of “Devil Went Down to Georgia” classic American and African-American story.) (Imagine the SPN Tale Type Index starting with “1-199 - Origin Stories - 1a Burning Wife, 1b Burning Girlfriend, 1c House Burns Down, 2 Demon Blood Fed to Infant” and etcetera… anyways.) And we know that Cas and Sam are going into Dean’s headspace to get him, so there’s the rescuing forces storming the sleeping castle trope (remember the “sleeping” patron in Rocky’s Bar?) getting resolved potentially. But I do believe that this focused close reading brings to light a “healing trauma” theme that the history of Sleeping Beauty makes explicit. It is not the only reading of the show to do that, but again, if I could describe Dabb’s era with one phrase it would be “There’s no such thing as too much meta.”

See y’all Thursday night!

#the folkloristics of supernatural #the folklore of supernatural #the folktales of supernatural #spn meta #sleeping beauty

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cherry-slushie-cosplay-blog · 5 years

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Freshman Year Quotes

Ok so I did a list of all the stupid shit I heard in my Freshman year of high school. Enjoy.

(T) - Teacher (AP) - Freshman Assistant Principal

FRESHMAN YEAR ----

"Any weeb brethren, see me after class I want to be friends." *class is totally silent* "*loudly* I have a seven inch penis." "I'm a farmer bitch I will throw my crops at you." "You can teach tiny cil- chilr- chilud- chiluden, wait what?" "I'm telling Jesus!" "Jesus already knows." "(T) Use your 5 sols! Haha, get it? Like soul?" "Bold of you to assume I have any at all." "HE CALLED ME THE N-WORD, HE CALLED- oh shit you're a girl my bad I'm just messing around trying to get someone in trouble. Have a nice weekend!" "Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht...FUCK!" "How do you make an equilateral square?" "I think my back has scoliosis." "I've got a bag of chicken." "Why do you have a bag of chicken?" "Because. Why do you have a bottle with mangos on it?" "This- this is mango-flavored tea!" "AND THIS IS CHICKEN-FLAVORED BAG" "...and some condoms have spermicide which kills off the sperm. Don't ask me how I know all that, Mrs. ********." "Are you from Russian?" "Sit your ADHD-filled ass down." "If we were in hell, do you really think I would be here?" "(T) Yes." (T) "Is stupid written on your forehead?" "I don't know, is it written on yours?" "His forehead's big enough for it." "That looks like an orgy pile over there." "Why do you guys always sit behind me?" "If we want to kill you, you won't see it coming." "Is this what Julius Caesar felt like?" "You're so tiny! You look like a doll!" "And you look like a cock-riding motherfucker." " Technically, time is a construct." "Technically, none of this matters and we're all gonna die soon." "Will you two shut up please?" (T) "My 2019 has been completed, I made a student cry." (This was January 10th btw) (T) "As long as you do your best and turn that in, you'll be fine." "What if my best sucks and I get a bad grade?" "Ok that was good I'm gonna give you that." "I'm gonna put on black lipstick and go to sleep." *Aggressively singing Dream Daddy For Me* "What's that?" "A grapefruit." "Bitch that ain't a grape." "No, grapeFRUIT." "It looks like you put Kool Aid in an orange." "Dude it's called a grapefruit." "No, fuck you and your Kool Aid orange." "I ate a mouse dongle." "Why the fuck would you do that?" "I don't know, I just did." "Racism is my bitch. I bend racism over and take it from behind." "A function is an input and a function...oh wait hold on I messed up- stop laughing at me I got this." "James Charles did one of Bob Ross's tutorials on his forehead." "So he has a big forehead-" "Shut the hell up ***** no one cares." "The answer was D! D as in 'Dinosaur chicken nuggets'!" (T) "What are the first ten amendments?" "I know the ten COMMANDments." "No one cares, we're not in Christian school." "YES WE ARE HAIL MARY" (T) "Do your work or the Lord may strike you." *this was at the religious girl from the previous quote* "What time is it?" "It's fuckin uhhhhh noon o 5." "Noon o 5?" "I forgot the word twelve." "I SEE HEADLIGHTS" "Hm?" "Headlights is nipples." "If this is a test I'm gonna throw myself out the window. I was about to go to the hospital this weekend and I'm still gonna make it happen." "I won't T-Pose for dominance but I will screech and make your eardrums bleed." "Does anyone remember Llamas With Hats?" 4 people: "caAAARRLLLLL" "Pagans terrify me." "Why?" "Every pagan I know of is a furry." "sKeDaDdLe SkAdOoDlE yOuR dIcK iS nOw A nOoDlE" "NO NOT IN MATH CLASS" "Doodlebops." "shUT THE FUCK UP" "I watched that yesterday, I have it on DVD." "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE DOODLEBOPS ON DVD" (T) *random Chewbacca noise* "My brain is smaller than my dick." "If you feel stupid, you should." "What about King Solomon?" (T) "What has Solomon ever done for America?" "What have YOU ever done for America?" "Nothing should be in your mouth unless it's a banana." "What type of banana?" "A yellow one, duh." *laughter* "Or a green one, whichever you like more." (T) "For the people who I'm signing these for: are you going to the farm-" "YES WE FINNA BE COWBOYS" (T) "What y'all playing over there?" "Chess." (T) "I hope you lose." (T) "If you're stupid, it's your fault." (T) "Let's go guys!" "hoLD ON I'M SAVING MY POKEMON GAME" "There's people taking pictures down there - should I pour Monster on them?" "When you gave me my pencil I was like 'I like Zoe, she's nice' in my brain and then my brain somehow connected that to 'You tryna smash?' and another part of my brain said 'No, stop, she'd cut your dick off'." "That's the strangest intrusive thought I've ever heard from a friend." "How many of y'all think I'm gay?" *about 6 people raise their hands* "Ok then." "May I please go to the bathroom?" (T) "You just have to get out of here at any chance you get, don't you?" "I'm serious, I'm really hungry, does anyone have any food?" "I have lotion." "Fuck you." (T) "OH MY GOD SHE HAS TAP SHOES CAN YOU DANCE???" "...no" (T) "YOU STILL LOOK GOOD" *watching Sorcerer's Stone* "Who's at the window?" *ta-da it's Malfoy* "Oh it's a blonde-headed lesbian." "Shit fuck goddammit bitch pussy fucking Jesus Christ." "I have ibuprofen, you know." "Nah, I'm good." "I'm a lil loli short and flat~ My head is for pat- wait fuck what was it" "Hello~ my fuCKING HIP OW" "Are you ok?" "I popped my hip...Hello, my name is Elder Price~" (T) "Here, it's legal to marry your 2nd cousin twice removed." "I'm doing it." (T) "******** no-" "Fuck (insert name of school district), man. On my mom." "I wanna fucking die I hate this class." "No. I look like Jesus, I'm telling you no. Therefore, Jesus says no and you're not allowed to die." (T) "How else could we have solved this?" "With a calculator." "Did Diego steal his money from Dora?" (T) "I don't know, moving on." "All y'all talking about how your souls are dark black, mine is baby blue. It's brighter than your hair." "uwu my stomach hurts" "I'm serious I'm not on my phone." (T) "Oh really?" "I swear to GOD she wasn't!" (T) "Oooooohhh" "Holy shit Zoe you're gonna send **** to hell." "You were staring at me for like 20 seconds before calling on me!" (T) "No, my glass eye was staring at you. My real eye was over there seeing that stuff, and over here I didn't see sHIT." "I heard there's G-Spots in your ass, why don't you shove it up there and have some fun." "How about no?" "Suit yourself." "I don't like raw fish — it makes me sad." "100 senators!! Come ON, Sen - a - tors!" "Shut up go stick your head in a dick." "I want that Mormon Milk." "I'm begging you to stop talking." "I'm salivating for that salvation." "Shut the fuck up."

BONUS: SCHOOL'S POWER OUT

"My god that sun is brighter than Kirishima's smile." "Zoe is turning into Trina." "I'm breaking down~" "Come over here anyone who wants to take 'Golden-Hour Mental Breakdown' selfies and/or get Pocky." "Anyone who refuses to let their anxious child come home will be personally smacked by me with Zoe's copy of 'Half-Blood Prince'."

NORMAL SCHOOL

"Stab me in the ovary or whatever you said." "CORRODED ARTERY YOU ARE MALE" "Same difference." "Perfect boy lookin-ass- no homo." "What the fuck" "People think that Sherlock Holmes isn't real because he was written in a book. God was too but you don't see people denying HE exists, do you?" "Ok do a burpee." *burps loudly* "No a- you're a fucking idiot." "Heyyyyy Zoe, can we- holy shit is that Pornhub?" "How do you make a baby crawl in a circle?" "I don't fucking know." "Ok...do you know how to make one stop?" "When did you get here!?" "Couple minutes ago." "???" "I'm quiet and people generally don't notice I'm here." "...do you need a hug?" (T) "What'd you do this weekend?" "Some sewing." (T) "What'd you sew?" "Robes…" (T) "For what?" "*increasingly embarrassed* A costume." "From what?" "*very red by now* Harry Potter…" "Which character?" "*wanting to crawl into a hole* Draco Malfoy…" "*polite clapping from entire class*" (T) "He's on the road to alcoholism." "I'm doing a 21-Day challenge of not talking, if I do - punch me." (T) "Oooohhh this is gonna be fun." *knock at door* (T) "*presses face against door window* What's the password?" "bitCH GIVE ME BACK MY CAPRI-SUN" "It's not Capri-S-" "IT'S BOOTLEG CAPRI-SUN GIVE IT BACK" "Holy shit you turned the Jesus-freak gay." "What happens if you don't deletus the fetus?" "Then the abortion isn't completus." (T) Can you see where I'm going?" "To hell." "Oh look, a wasp." "KILL THAT SHIT" "Oh man I can't hear my eardrums." "How the fuck would you hear your eardrums?" "That's the POINT." "I like a p p l e s ~I like 'em big and juicy-" (T) "NO." "Everyone raise your hand if you want Mr. **** out of the room." *80% raises their hands* (T) "Even you?" "What do you mean 'even me'!?!?" "******? ******!!" "What?" "If I ask you a question will you be a douche?" "Probably." "Understandable." "What the hell am I reading?" "Words." "Mr. **** do you like donkey ducks?" (T) "I'm not even going to answer you." "I'm scared of homophobes." "Homophobophobia." "If gay is a slur does that mean that African American is a slur?" "Who has my mcfreaking phone? WHOMST HAS MY PHONE" (T) "Ooh free charger! *wraps cord around neck like a scarf*" "Whee whee mone me jam apple laff-yeti" "If someone is being homophobic, give them dyslexia." "Troom Troom life hack: if someone is harassing you — eat them." "Troom Troom banana hack: if someone is harassing you — shove a banana up their ass." (T) "Take that hat off." "I'm a gangsta." "I'm never gonna use this shit. Do you think I'm gonna go to McDonald's and say something like, I don't know, 'Oh riddle me dubious'? NO." "I'm gonna meticulate you until you get dyslexia." "What the fuck does that even mean?" "I'm gonna meticulate your rectum." "Please stop." (T) "See that girl? She likes bad boys." (T) "Ask her, she has tape." "What the hell has made you think I have tape?!?" "I don't care if you have 106% in this class, you can kiss my fat ass!" "No, PICasso." "I like Costco-" "No." "Holy shit *points at red train in movie watched in class* it's the Hogwarts Express." "Stop it." "Choo choo bitch we goin' to magic school." (T) "Guys Mr. ***** is in here, quick make it look like you're doing math." "3 + 7 = 9!!!" "Are you serious?" "MOVE IT, MUNCHKINS!" *shoves us apart and runs off* "Excuse-moi, I'm gonna beat her ass." "Oh my god someone's weave is on the floor." "Only at (insert school name here)." "THERE'S MORE THEY THREW IT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW" "*handing out books* Take this dick, *throws book on student's desk next to me* and here you go. *places book gently on my desk*" "waIT TAKE THAT BACK I WANT A 'HERE YOU GO' WTF" (T) "-and so the corn salsa would be 20...thaaaat's not one of the answers oh no." "You fucking whore, happy birthday." (T) "How do you know you are college and career ready?" "Because Jesus loves me." "Last time I shit my pants was in middle school." "rePEAT THAT?" "I'm gonna show up tomorrow with AIDS." "Did you just say you'd show up with AIDS?" "Yeah." "Why??" "Cause HE put his spit on me." "I'm borrowing your chair. To sleep." "I'm straight as a line." "Oh? *makes loop-de-loops in the air* You mean THIS line?" (T) "I will decimate you. I will wipe your name from the earth." "Is the government making us take this test?" (T) "No, the district is making us take it." "Well the district can suck my ass." *calling every white person in a certain scene of Ernest Green a toothpick* "Is it just me or does ******** seem like he'd end up having a job at Chuck and Dale's?" "GIVE ME BACK MY PHONE I WANNA WATCH MERLIN" (T) "You boys don't know how to chop down a tree, do you? You wouldn't be able to do that." "Yes I would, I do it in Minecraft all the time!" (T) "Ok, remember to put your name on your paper." "No. I have no name. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Voldemordita." "Stop it." "Shut up, both y'all gay, always smackin' each other's asses in class." (T) "Easy, Luigi, we're not watching a movie." (This was a sub for Civics class and he had just walked in 2 minutes prior. The student's name was not Luigi) "Hold on I'm gonna be Oprah: YOU GET A CALCULATOR, YOU GET A CALCULATOR!" "Y'know ***** still needs one." "F R I C K" *girl walks into a desk* "There's a desk there ****." "I KNOW fuck OFF" "I feel like we need to warn her about everything when she walks." "Watch out for life, ****." "Can we do it on paper?" (T) "No, this is not Burger King." *leaving the room* "Remember, cocaine is not your friend. I'll kick your ass." (T) "Wow! It's Good Friday, and you're talking about your baptism and stuff like that, and you said 'oh my fricking god'? For shame." (T) "I'm on a lot of drugs and alcohol right now and I can't feel anything." "Oh my GOD USE A YARDSTICK" "No." "MR. ******** I'M GONNA HURT HER" "Gonna stab her with the yardstick?" "I need bail money." "I need money PERIOD." "DRAW. A STRAIGHT. L I N E." "NO, FUCK YOU" "You know you're gay when it takes you 3 tries to draw a straight line." "DON'T TAKE MY JOKE" "You definitely know you're gay if it still isn't straight after 3 tries." (T) "What would you do if someone came into your neighborhood?" "Who's neighborhood? Mr. Rodger's?" "I have 15 pets." "I have 13 siblings, does that count?" "No but it does mean that your parents need to learn how to use a fucking condom." "Hi my name is J. Michael Tater Tot welcome to the Dairy Dome." "Dyslexia? I thought you said...cannibalistic tendencies." "What?" "I couldn't think of anything that rhymed." "You need to flex seal your anus closed." "If you don't fucking shut up I will shave off your eyebrows using my toenail as a razor you cunt." "Sippy Cup looks depressed." "Sippy Cup, you going through some shit?" "Hit or Miss, I guess they never miss, huh? You got a boyfriend-" "Yep." "I bet he doesn't kiss ya!" "Haha nope." "Ew I look like Casper." (T) "...and we're going to write a paragraph." "Oh you're FUNNY." "I think I'm switch. Like, I'm good with being sub, but I'd like to dominate my bitch too. Like F.B.I get on the ground open your legs." "Ms. ******* that's really bright-" (T) "YOU'RE bright." Video: *talking about how important this song is to them* (T) "I don't care stop talking." "I peed on the desk again." "Key word: AGAIN???" "You should send ****** and I to get them." "That is a HORRIBLE idea." "What do you mean it's a horrible idea? You don't know me!" "What do you mean 'I don't know you?' We have gone to school together for almost 4 years." (T) "Look, I know you're obsessed with me, GET TO WORK." "He's harassing me." "You harassed me first. It's not harassment if you do it in self-defense." "You can have the benefit of my middle finger." "It's the progression of the climb of the rocket." (T) "Oh my GOOODDDD JUST SAY IT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING" "Fine. The speed." (T) "ExACTLY." "Oh look a firetruck's outside." "Whee whoo whee whoo- oh my god you're serious. Oh god it's (crappy fire department) jesus christ." "I think we need to potty train our classmates again." "AGAIN???" "Well, yeah. They're supposed to be." "'Supposed to' and 'are' are two different things." "Mr. **** can I put mascara on you?" (T) "No." "Whyyyyy?" (T) "Do I look like a Barbie doll?" (T) "Mascara girl is the one who's talking." "You act like I don't have a name!!!" "Do you?" "What the hell are you doing?" "It makes your eyelashes look nicer." "Yeah; easy, breezy, beautiful: Covergirl. Get with the program." "James Charles is QUAKING." "Sister shook." "Give me my paper." "Bitch I'm gluing my fingers together, I didn't fucking take it." "Do you have a charger?" "No, but I have a notebook full of English notes." "I don't have any round characters, all of mine are gay and sad."

BONUS 2: BIRTHDAY

"I'm sorry I don't have anything for you for your birthday all I have is Reese's and duct tape." "Wait it's your birthday??? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO-" "NO STOP SHE DOESN'T WANT THAT" "Thank you." "You're welcome." (T) "Pay attention my dudes." *collective groaning from entire class* "*asking for tampons*" (T) "*holding a marker* I can throw another red one at you." "I don't get it. *sudden realization*" (T) "***** pick your jaw up off the floor, I was joking." "I'm tired of the word 'domain'." "Oh yeahhhh me too, cause we hear it a lot in physics now." "Domain, domain, domain; I hate it." "I'm in a domain of hating myself." "I'm joking, I love you." "I'm not joking, but I love you too anyways." "**** don't lose your Crocs again." (T) "Get that earbud out of your ear." "No, this is keeping me sane." "Why is my name 'desire'??? I put it as 'pee pee poo poo'!"

NORMAL SCHOOL

"I've finally done a fraction! I flipped it over, turned it around, smacked its ass and had it call me daddy." "PARDON???" "What?" (in Physics talking about electricity) "Ok positive top, negative bottom-" "ME?" "He said you can't learn if you burn but you do learn. You learn fire is hot. Also the sensation of being burned alive as you are consumed by flames." "*shows Thanos smut* Spoilers for Endgame that no one asked for." "Legend has it that if you work at the Dairy Dome, you get free tickets to Domegame." Have a marvelous Monday, a Terrific Tuesday, a Wonderful Wednesday, a...Thesis Thursday. I couldn't think of anything." "You look like a frog." (T) "And you look like a squid." "Someone today said I looked like a drug dealer magician. Would you like *sweeps off hat* MARIJUANA??? Or...*pretends to pull something out of hat* COKE??? Perhaps some *flourishes* *whispers* acid???" "I'm gonna Detroit Smash him to hell." "LGBT, let's get this bread." "My hero academia as in Aizawa can shove my ass up his head- wait hold on" "*talking about Ariel* She's hot but that doesn't excuse the fact that she put her entire species in jeopardy for some dick." (T) "Does anyone not have medicine in their bag that ******* cannot have while I look down at the floor because I dropped my pen?" (T) "*reaches for paper*" "Ah ah **** no swipin'." *in science class* "Nothing's happening but I saw that bitch SPARK and I'm terrified." "I'm basically teacher today, your assignment is to do nothing. YOU get an A." "SHUT UP MOTHERFUCKER I'LL EAT YOUR ANUS THEY DON'T CALL ME RECTUMUS PRIME FOR NOTHING" "EXCUSE ME" "What was the word again?" "David Hasselhoff?" "What, no???" "This is why you shouldn't scratch yourself, here." "*instantly shoves necklace in mouth*" "I wouldn't use that as a chew fidget, I got it off the ground in Louisiana." "*chews even more aggressively*" (T) "Don't mess with me I will throw something at you, I played softball for 14 years." "Really???" (T) "Yeah. I was the captain biatch." "James Charles looks like the dragon from Shrek." "***'s touching my wenis." "Gay fantasies don't really matter." "Yeah, I mean, did you see the way that Tony and Cap looked at each other in Endgame?" "When he was, a young boy, his father, took him to the dark lord, to kill the principalofawizardachool" "He said son when, you grow up, will you b-" "HE SAID WILL YOU, GETSHANKEDINABATHROOM-" "Watch out: I have peanut butter and a knife!" (T) "All you need is at least a 60% to pass the test-" "BOI I GET 40S AND 30S IN YOUR CLASS AND YOU KNOW IT" (T) "So you used to go to (other school name)?" "Yeah. But people growling and barking at me was a little much." (T) "Were they furries?" "Dude, tornadoes in Kansas are no joke." "But you go to Oz." "THERE AIN'T NO YELLOW BRICK ROAD AFTER A TORNADO" "Uh, yeah! Yellow brick road to HEAVEN." "Toto isn't god” "You awakened something you didn't want to awaken." "Is it god??? Is it Totoro? Remember to pay your taxes or Hong Kong will come eat you." "Today's weather is cloudy with a chance of rectal prolapse." (T) "Who's at the door?" "It's ***." (T) "Who's ***?" "***. Your student." (T) "*opens door* Who are you?" "I'm nobody." "Who is commander in chief of the military? My p e n i s" "Are those grandma shoes??? Can I e a t them???" "She sounds like a fetus screaming for extra guac at Chik-Fil-A." "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN" "*singing the Boku No Pico theme off-key in a loli voice*" "I will hit you." "I'd feel bad for you but you have a 69% and that causes you to get a D and I can't look that over." "Do you ever wonder where babies come from? Cause I don't. All you have to do is pee into a lady's Digornio." "rePEAT THAT??" "Don't forget to degrade your dog." "Imagine a world: where you have 2 fetuses hanging from your eyebrow."

BONUS 3: GIANT, END-OF-THE-YEAR CIVICS TEST

"Why the fuck is Christmas a national holiday???" (T) "Ok, the president during WWII was...Roose-" "-A PARKS" (T) "Are you even paying attention?" (T) "What happened on September 11th, 2001?" "9/11!" (T) "We're gonna need you to be a little more specific, buddy." (T) "What's a state that borders Canada?" "I deadass was about to say Arizona, I need sleep." "WHAT is your name?" "*****." "WHAT is your quest?" "To clap the best pussy out there." "*through laughter* What is your favorite color?" "The color of the next pussy I'm gonna crunch." "I got a Voltage from the ROTC room, and I dropped it and someone said 'OOH', picked it up and yeeted with it." "WHAT THE FUCK I'D SHIT ON THEIR HOUSE" "Can we play a song after our presentation?" (T) "As long as it's not like 20 minutes like an Allman Brothers song." "Huh?" (T) "You know how when you have an acid trip, people tell you to listen to the Allman Brothers?" "..." (T) "I'm old." (T) "If this eye starts drooping, there was something in the brownie." (T) "*teaching us Piccolo Mini*" "You just made me feel dyslexic." "YOU GUYS WANNA KNOW THE TEA??? I'M THE REAL HOE" *applause from class* "BITCH WE BEEN KNEW" "*unintelligible*" (T) "What?" "*still unintelligible*" (T) "I still didn't hear you." "You talk like your handwriting." "I WILL THROW THIS CROC AT YOU" "I will literally pay a dollar for one." "I will literally eat these." "Petunia is not a phone." "Electronic device, then." "She's not an electronic device, I gave birth to her." (T) "**** that's the whitest you've ever sounded." "My dingaling is messed up." "Mine too." (T) "Ok so say you wanted aides-" "I DON'T WANT AIDS WHAT THE HELL" (T) "IN THE CLASSROOM. CLASSROOM AIDES. HELPERS. "Can we talk while doing this?" (T) "No, this isn't Burger King." "What is your obsession with Burger King????" "HE'S SPRAYING IT DOWN. HE'S SPRAYING IT DOWN. HE'S PUTTING THE WHITE NECTAR ON THE RAMEN SINK" "Have you ever seen a 14 year old looking badass?" "Have you ever seen a beaver chomping down on a carrot? Cause I wanna see that." "I don't wanna go to Papa Louie's Arcade, Papa Louie can pop a cap in your ass." "Micheal does a Thanos Snap in season 14." "Cas, I don't feel so good." "NO" "Your Crocs are in sport mode." "My cock is hard." "THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID" "It's ok lil diglett I'm gonna evolve you." (T) "Stop it." "I'm gonna evolve you it's fine, you're weak but you're gonna get better. *throws stress ball at teacher*" (T) "******* looks like Ted Bundy" (T) "He's falling asleep. Hey, ****, are you sad you can't have an abortion?" "What???" (T) "If you don't like high school relationships, who's that guy you keep making out with in the hallway?" "*pointing at random places on the map in the civics classroom, threatening to deport each other to random places*" "You're jiggling my titties." "*half the class is singing I Write Sins Not Tragedies*" "I love you!" "Shut it, I'm doing a presentation." "I love you!!" "Stop." "I love you!!!" "God damnit, *******, I'm gonna hit you." (T) "If you drop any f-bombs during the presentation, I'm gonna kill you." "Bottom, take the apple." "I'm not black, I'm O.J." "Balls. That was the word." "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET 'BALLS' FROM 'THE BUCKS ARE WINNING THE FINALS'??" "Who's this? Tom? No I don't wanna streak with you. Stranger danger." "Why is it called Field Day if it's only 2 periods?" (AP) "I- That's actually a good question." "ALRIGHT THIS IS WHAT WE NEED TO DO-" "*gets literally kissing distance from him* *salutes* Yes sir?" "We're playing cornhole." "Stop laughing, how is cornhole inappropriate?" "Mr. **** this is the type of yardstick that could take your kneecaps. Do you want me to take yours?" (T) "I'd like to see you try." "Is that Ratatouille?" "Ratatouille isn't the rat. That's Remy, you insolent fuck." "I'm gonna call you the 'G' word." "What's the 'G' word?" "Jew." "That's…porny." "...send it to me." "Where you going?" "To hell." "WHY" "*shrugs* Seems fun." "You see, this is why I need to work with you. I'm your insurance."

BONUS 4: FIELD DAY

(T) "Are you part 1 or part 2?" "Uh…" (T) "Top line or bottom line?" "Bottom- no, top- uhhhhh…" "He looks like a top." "I still don't understand why we fucking dropped Bohemian Rhapsody for a song from fucking T W I L I G H T." (T) "*throws a marker at the Assistant Principal*" *various cheers and "OHHHHHH"s from the class* (AP) "Are you actually serious." Not a quote but in the 2nd to last week of school, we spent almost the entirety of 4th period Algebra (including the teacher — he started it) throwing dry-erase markers at each other and didn't even stop when the AP (seen above) came in. (T) "*walks through the middle of the room*" "FIRE" *8 people pelt markers at him* "Wait you guys realize he's gonna throw all of those back, right?" "I have a D I'm hanging on the edge my dudes." "I did a math? I did a math!!!" "You did meth?" "YES!!!" "*gets head shoved out of window* OW! FUCK, ****** MY TIT" "You exude strong Kenny energy." "Why?" "Cause you die a lot? Cause your heart was replaced with a baked potato? Cause your family's poor?" "*laughing so hard we can't breathe*" "*leaves the cafeteria to calm down from laughing too hard*" "I'm having elementary school flashbacks." "Shut your social justice warrior ass up." "You ok?" "I stabbed myself." "Sorry, only girls get it. Also, this is my last customer today." "Hold on, if it's only girls, why does HE get it?" "Hi." "OH SHIT YOU'RE A GIRL MY BAD"

NORMAL SCHOOL

“Did I just witness a drug deal?” "Why do you look like a dad?" "I need some weed in my system again, I'm fucking drained." "There's a fucking big-ass run in my tights — I'm gonna eat my own ass and then some." "Hi I'm ***** and Mr. **** can suck my 13 inch dong. My Long John Silver." "This ignorant pickle of a person can die." "This cashew of a long dong. Cashews look like telephones." "A shirt says Mr. **** can suck my magnum horse, my stallion." "His mom should've fucking swallowed." "Spit his ass in a Dixie cup." "I will tattoo my eyes shut." "I'm talking about this mongoose man that's called Mr. ****." "Can you speak some Spanish?" "Hola, como estas, sugma." "Sugma?" "Suck my fuckin' balls lmao" "It's your sugar daddy. *shows picture of Andrew Jackson*" "It's Mr. **** as a woman." "That's fucking Christopher Columbus." "*howling laughter*" "I was just thinking 'have it stop raining so that I don't have to walk in it', but then I remembered I have work today so it should keep pouring. The more the sky cries, the less I cry. Unless I'm on drive." "Excuse me sir, *raises leg* my penis has fallen off." "I pray you get AIDS." (T) "Please throw away your sheet music, it's illegal to copy sheet music and I don't wanna go to jail." "*loud smack* I am so sorry, I didn't mean it to be that loud! Come here baby boy, let me give you the sweet taste of my mother milk." "It's not mother anymore, it's daddy now." "Dude what if you were born with a set of words that if said, would implode your testicles." "Bomb go boom, Mormons go extinct." "MR. **** YOU TOOK OUR NOODS" "DON'T TAKE THE NOODS" "NOT THE NOODS!!!" "****, I thought you were Catholic." "The pencil's black." "Like my ass-cheeks." "Someone stole it!!!!" "Like ****'s virginity."

BONUS 5: WATCHING INSIDIOUS (FOR SOME FUCKING REASON)

*kid falls off ladder* *various banshee screeches from students* "They're kissing AGAIN. This movie is NOT appropriate." "I'm hearding weeeesssst~ I don't know what to dooooo~ " That's not how you make a superpowered baby. You kill the mother and put her on the ceiling." "Wait, pause. What the hell?" "F.B.I, open up." "IT'S DALTON." "PUT A CHAIR ON THE DAMN DOOR" "HOW WOULD A CHAIR WORK AGAINST THE DEMON" "He's in a deep sleep. Wake him up with true love's kiss." "It's a pedo-demon! Everyone run!" "He's cheating on her." "What if this was linked to Supernatural?" "Ooh she's echoing now." "My legs are shaking bruh." "Is that blood on the window?" "No, it's a tree." "SMACK THE CHILD"

NORMAL SCHOOL

"I figured out why I'm so quiet today." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, *shows trembling hands* I'm on vibrate." "I can't wait to go to church."

BONUS 6: LAST DAY OF SCHOOL

"The first thing I ate when I came to this country, it was in the airport and it was Doritos." (T) "They gave me the shortest teachers' gown they had. I have a baby gown." "That isn't a happy little bush." "IT'S. TREE." "Hello ladies, *winks* *blows kiss*" "I'm GAY." *I Will Survive playing really loudly* "******* you're not in our friend group so get the FUCK OUT." "Now I can swear! FUCK Y'ALL BITCHES I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR KNEECAPS" "Oh shit it's an end of the year fight!" Four kids got into a fight at the same time and one got tazed."

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xaphrin · 7 years

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Little Fears

18/20 - Obi and Shirayuki

@vivianwisteria asked for a bit where Shirayuki and Obi went running together. This was a lot of fun to write. Sorry if it’s a bit messy. Thank you so much for being awesome.

Okay, it was official, she was actually going to die. They were going to find her strewn out in the park tomorrow morning and confirm that her heart had indeed failed due to overexertion. There would be a news story about it and Obi would never want to date a girl who couldn’t keep up with him and she would be dead anyway, so why did it matter and-

“You know… running works better when you’re moving.”

Oh god. Had he lapped her? Shirayuki picked up her head and turned around to see Obi standing behind her, lifting up the edge of his shirt to wipe at the sweat on his brow. She stared intently at his abs and tried not to think about the charley horse in her leg, and how much she was probably disappointing him by being a complete failure at being active. She pressed her lips together and leaned back against the tree she was standing in front of, still trying to stretch out her leg.

“You ready to go home?” His lips cocked to the side and he offered her a smile that seemed almost rude by how charming it was. He didn’t look like he was judging her, but how could he not be. Obi gave a one-shouldered shrug and took a step back, as if watching her struggling to keep up wasn’t absolutely embarrassing to her. “We can swing by the coffee shop and I can get us a couple lattes. You did good today.”

Her face fell as the charley horse finally released in her leg before seizing up in the other one. With an annoyed huff, Shirayuki stepped forward and limped further down the park path. “I can do one more lap around the park.”

Obi laughed and came up beside her, his lopsided smile still stitched on his lips. “It’s okay if you can’t keep up with me.”

“I’m doing just fine, you know.” She tried not to sound indignant or wounded, but she could still hear the notes in her voice and it was embarrassing. Her face flushed and she looked away, pretending to be interested in an old woman feeding the pigeons. “It’s just it’s early, and it looks like rain, and I’m getting cold and… and…”

And I can’t keep up with you. Her heart fell again and she tried to move a few feet forward, putting space between them. Every little worry in her heart was starting to come forward like the sweat on her forehead - each fear present in every transaction with him. She wasn’t strong enough, or fast enough, she wasn’t cool enough, or confident enough. She couldn’t smile and make the whole world crumble around his ears, and… what if she was bad in bed? She’d been out of practice for years, it wasn’t like she knew what she had the best knowledge in bed.

It felt like a stone was sinking in her stomach, and she ran her hand over her hair, landing on the stubby ponytail with a sigh. “I can do another lap around the park.”

“Hey.”

She felt the press of his sweat-slicked arms around her shoulders, and she was suddenly pulled back against his chest. Her shirt stuck to him, and she looked back up towards the leaves overhead, flickering muted, cloudy light around them. Obi pressed his lips against her ear and his arms tightened around her. It was uncomfortably comforting, knowing that he could bring down her defenses so easily, but also that he was willing to drop his defenses so easily.

“If I upset you about something, I’m sorry. Can we just… talk?”

It wasn’t him, it was her. Shirayuki took a shaky breath and she looked over her shoulder at him. He looked almost wounded at her behavior, and she couldn’t blame him. This was her, not feeling like she was good enough for someone who seemed practically flawless in her eyes - handsome, funny, charming, smart, athletic, talented in so many ways - and here she was, unable to do a full lap around the park.

“What’s up?”

It was a soft question, not anything that said she needed to talk outright, but an invitation just the same. Shirayuki shifted before wiggling out of his arms and starting down the path again, this time at a slow jog. She could do a jog without feeling like she was going to just fall over and roll the rest of the way down the hill. Obi followed her, keeping pace easily, and they fell into a soft silence, minutes ticking by until they reached the harbor at the end of the path. Shirayuki stood there, her fingers wrapped around the guardrail and watched as early-morning tourists started to invade their spot.

“I…”

Obi looked at her, waiting.

“I’m just not good enough.”

His eyebrows shot up, but he still said nothing, waiting for her to continue.

“I’m not good enough for you. You’re handsome and charming and funny and I’m a… I don’t know.” She sighed in defeat, turning around to look at him. “I just don’t feel like I’m good enough for you, when you’re so perfect at everything. And now I can’t even keep up with you during a stupid run, and you lap me. I feel like I’m just not… not right for you.”

Obi pressed his lips together and he nodded just once before stepping forward and wrapping his arms around her. The next thing she knew, she was melting into his kiss, her fingers burying into his sweat-soaked hair as he drew sound after sound out of her, making her feel like every inch of her was on fire. Someone whistled at them from across the lawn, and Shirayuki pulled back, blushing. She caught Obi offering the guy his middle finger and he hid his hands behind his back with a sheepish chuckle.

“Shirayuki.”

She met his eyes again, and waited.

“I don’t know why in the world you feel like this?” He rested his hip against guardrailing and looked down at her again. “If anything… I mean… I’m not good enough for you. You’re smart and pretty and kind, and I… I don’t know if I deserve you. Even after everything we’ve been through, how you don’t shy away from my past, from everything I’ve been and did, and you… you still love me. You’re still there every morning making coffee and asking how my night was, without question. I love you more than I’ve loved anyone else in my life.” He gave a weak, self-deprecating laugh. “And probably more than I love myself. So what, you haven’t used your muscles in a while and I can outrun you? It doesn’t make me love you any less.”

Her heart felt like it was going to burst, and while her worries and fears were still rooted into her ribs, at least she knew that he had the same fears. At least she knew that together, they were worried about the same things, and if they could admit that, then maybe together they could overcome it.

“Besides-” Obi grinned and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “-talent is a pursued interest.”

Shirayuki pulled back and wrinkled her nose. “Did you just quote Bob Ross?”

His grin only widened.

#obiyuki #fifty thank you prompts #ans #phone sex hotline au #because as much as people like to say running helps them feel better and clear their minds #sometimes it doesn't #and in that time alone with your feet just hitting the pavement all you can think about is how much of a failure you are at everything #because not all brains work the same #*finger guns*

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theabominableblogger · 7 years

Text

Rewatching “Batman” (1989)

Decided to rewatch this classic before I watch the new Justice League movie that’s out this week

I, for one, am so glad Danny Elfman brought the Batman theme back into “Justice League”

*jams out to the Batman theme*

JACK NICHOLSON

Billy Dee Williams! And he’s only in it for like 5 minutes

Jack Palance!

Oh my gosh, I forgot Prince did music for this movie

Aaaand it’s the Batman symbol!

Matte painting! Matte paintings everywhere!

Why do they always portray Gotham as freaking packed? I know it’s supposed to be a bustling metropolis but this is too much.

Why yes, random family, let’s take a shortcut through a shady ass alleyway.

What the...

Batman, brought to you by American Express

*Batman floats down behind the robbers* Eeeyyyy!!

*Batman gets shot* Welp, he’s dead. End of movie. Cue end credits music.

Gotta take your sweet ass time revealing your cape...

He raises his arms so high in the air in order to do it.

“I want you to tell all your friends about me.” “What are you?!?!?” I’M BATMAN! DAAAA NA NA NAAAA NAAAAA

Lando?!?

Mayor Borg?!?!?

“People of Gotham City, I [Harvey Dent] am a man of few words.” Nah, he’s a double-crossing, no-good swindler.

All righty, unpopular opinion time: I don’t like Jack Nicholson as the Joker. I just don’t. He’s just... Jack Nicholson in clown paint. Plus they establish him as a character before he becomes the Joker.

Oh, and of course, they name the Jack Nicholson character “Jack”

So who’s the Lieutenant character again?

Heelllooo shady lookin’- oh it’s Jack Nicholson.

Bob the Goon!

Matte painting!

This movie should be subtitled “Matte Paintings: The Movie”

Oh my God, Lando, what did they do to your hair?

Eeeeyyy!! Bob Kane!

“Vale, will you marry me [Knox]?” “Nope?” “Wanna buy me lunch?” “Maybe.” “I eat light!” Pffftt....

Story time: the Quidditch coach/captain of the team here at college (who is notorious for being a flirt) asked me to buy him supper one time before practice. I knew it was a joke but I told him “Nah, you gotta earn it” and I was applauded by the team

Obligatory purple Joker suit!

Obligatory Joker card!

Why is it such a big deal that Jack Nicholson is involved with that one particular moll?

You gotta hammer it in that Jack Nicholson’s gonna become the Joker

Why is there a casino set up in Wayne Manor?

Michael Gough!

Why is Vicki Vale dressed like she’s getting ready to be married?

I like that we don’t actually meet Bruce until like 20 minutes into the movie. Plus they establish him as a mystery character- technically the main characters at the beginning of the movie is Knox and Vicki and then it shifts to Batman. And then again, we don’t get a lot of background on either Batman or Bruce.

I never really had time to appreciate how great Michael Keaton is as Bruce Wayne but dang he’s good. And I love the reasoning behind this casting: there’s no way he could be seen as Batman and when we do find out, it’s a big shock.

Holy crap, how many cameras are set up around the manor?

Oh my gosh, Bruce has reading glasses!

Sound stage!

FreEEEZZZEE!!!

AN: I’m only 25 minutes into this movie. We gots a bit to go because I’m such a motormouth

Boom goes the dynamite!

Yes, let’s have a police shootout in a chemical factory! Great plan, guys!

Man, Gary Oldman’s Commissioner Gordon would be on the ball when it came to this situation. Pat Hingle’s Commissioner Gordon just stands around and gives orders

Um, officers, you’re walking into a puddle of toxic chemicals...

In all seriousness though, I want Jack Nicholson’s hat

Never have I seen a smirkier Batman than Michael Keaton’s Batman

Well there’s also Kevin Conroy’s Batman

*Jack Nicholson falls into the chemical vat* Welp, he’s dead. End of movie. Cue end credits music.

AXIS

Why were Jack Nicholson’s fingernails dyed green from the chemicals? I know it’s comic book logic but still...

This scene in the dining hall is my dad’s favorite scene in the movie.

That is an impossibly long dining table.

Aaww, they’re having dinner with Alfred in the butlers’ quarters!

“Alfred’s great. I [Bruce] couldn’t find my socks without him.” Cue in Batman: The Animated Series, Joker literally cannot find his socks because Harley’s not there.

That is no way to take bandages off properly, Jack...

Mirror... MIRROR!!

“You see what I have to work with here.” Yeah, those are some shitty surgical tools there, buddy.

Oh, throw that shoe, Bruce

“Who the hell are you?” “It’s me [the Joker].” *sings* IT’S MEEEEEE

“Jack? Jack is dead, my friend. You can call me.. Joker! And as you can see, I’m a lot happier!”

This freaking circus music though

*Bruce and Vicki cuddle while sleeping* Cue Bruce going “Aw man, I can’t enjoy spending time with this awesome lady because I gotta brood, man.”

WHY IS HE UPSIDE DOWN?!?!?

WAIT ‘TIL THEY GET A LOAD OF ME!

Why the hell is Jack Nicholson dressed like that?

What kind of hand buzzer is that?!?

HAVEN’T YOU HEARD THE HEALING POWER OF LAUGHTER? NOW GET OUTTA HERE!

YOUUU... ARE MY NUMBER ONEEEE... GUUUYYYYYY!!

How does Bruce Wayne AKA Batman not notice Vicki trailing him from his house to Crime Alley?

Random mime... more random mimes...

Why is Bruce just standing there? Ooohhhh... wait a minute.. there’s this whole schindig about him recognizing Jack later in the movie

There is literally no reason why Jack Nicholson becomes the Joker since he’s already been established as Jack Napier before the whole ACE Chemicals thing.

THIS TOWN NEEDS AN ENEMA!

Alfred just wants some grandkids, gosh dang it

How the hell did you get those pics, Vicki?

Oh my God, I hate that this Joker has this weird crush on Vicki. I hate it so much.

“I’m in a mind to make some mooky.” Ugghh...

Oh my gosh, the Smylex commercial

Oh my gosh, the newspeople aren’t wearing any care products... pfftt...

What kind of cake foundation does Joker have? That’s like the stuff we had to wear in high school

That waiter just addressed Vicki as “sir”

Did Joker write that message in crayon?

That elderly couple is dead after falling off the balcony like that

LET’S BROADEN OUR MINDS!

*jams the crap out to “Party Man” by Prince*

*One goon paints over a bust* Hey look, it’s the Jared Leto Joker

What the crap is this music that plays? It plays during one of the trailers for “The Shape of Water”

Oh wait, it’s the theme from something called “A Summer Place”

I quote the “one dollar bill” quote all the freaking time at my house.

The prosthetic work on Alicia looks pretty sweet, I gotta say

Oh, a little song.. a little dance... Batman’s head on a lance...

Oh my gosh, I forgot how much Kim Basinger screamed in this movie

They even color coded the cars for Joker’s goons

*The police get involved in an accident involving a farmer’s market truck* NO, NOT THE CABBAGES!

There is no way in hell that Vicki only weighs like 108

Remember when the Batsuit was made out of rubber, you guys?

*Crazy, sword-wielding guy goes after Batman* Seriously? Did you not see “Raiders of the Lost Ark?”

For the Batmobile, it looks like they made the toy first before constructing it for the movie

Gotta love that Danny Elfman score...

*Vicki tries to see under Batman’s cowl* Yo, Vicki, don’t distract Batman while he’s driving

The Batcave!

Why is there just this one random bat hanging out in a bird cage?

Forgot that Michael Keaton literally could not turn his head in the Batsuit

Oh my gosh, how short is Michael Keaton here?

Oooohhh nice transition!

How the hell did Vicki end up back there?

Gotta admit, that’s a nice apartment

“You see, my life is really...” Batsy!

JUST TELL HER YOU’RE [Vicki] BATMAN!

I like how Bruce walks right by the fire poker in order to get a freaking tray to hit Joker with

YOU WANNA GET NUTS?!? C’MON, LET’S GET NUTS!

EVER DANCE WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT?

“Never rub another man’s rhubarb.” What?

There is no way in hell that Bruce deflected that bullet with the tray

Matte painting!

“Can you hear me? Just the two of us.” *sings “Just the Two of Us” by Will Smith*

Gotta admit, Michael Keaton’s Batman has an awesome thinking/pensive face. It’s probably the eyebrows that help

What is it with families being targeted by random gun-wielding criminals in abandoned alleyways?

There’s no way that that’s Jack Nicholson playing young Jack Napier

Nevermind, it’s some dude named Hugo Blick

*scats the Batman theme obnoxiously out of tune*

Batman’s belt just slipped. Never gonna un-see that

Why is it that every time this Batman is in the Batsuit and glaring at somebody, he looks like he’s really constipated?

Seriously, is there not a bathroom in the Batcave?

Is this another Prince song?

So where exactly did Joker find the time to find all of this stuff and prepare for an impromptu 200th anniversary parade?

The Batplane!

Matte painting!

“Me? I’m giving away free money!” And it looks faaaaakkkeee...

Something is up with that clown balloon’s nose... just saying...

Yeah, lets go after the Joker’s goons with a baseball bat, Knox. That’ll go well.

I love the sounds all the buttons make on the Batplane dashboard

“My balloons. Those are my balloons! He stole my balloons!” Iconic.

Hahaha he [Joker] used Bob the Goon as a step stool off the parade float!

*The Batplane pauses in front of the moon* Eeeeyyy!!

*Joker pulls out the gun with the really long muzzle out of the front of his pants* No comment

Again, why is Vicki Vale dressed like she’s either getting ready to get married or go to a wedding?

“Better make it ten [minutes].” What makes this awesome is that ten minutes actually goes by both in-universe time and movie run time. My dad actually timed it the first time I watched this with him.

Mad respect to Tim Burton for the aesthetic in this movie, I gotta say

The eyebrows on Batman’s cowl strangely match Michael Keaton’s. Was this intentional?

*Joker “dances” with Vicki* Now see the last time I recall Joker dancing with somebody was the 5 second long Alex Ross scene with Harley Quinn in “Suicide Squad”

Unpopular opinion time: I like Jared Leto’s Joker better than Jack Nicholson’s Joker *gets bombarded with hate mail and darts*

Eugghhhh Vicki’s pulling a freaking Jasmine from “Aladdin”

“You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses now, would ya?” Cue Wreck-It-Ralph

How the hell did Joker pull Batman and Vicki off the roof like that?

Oh my gosh that 80s falling effect

Yeah no, from that drop, the Joker’s body would be a freaking mess

“The reign of crime [in Gotham City] is over.” BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh hi Billy Dee Williams!

You know what would be awesome: if Kim Basinger had a cameo somewhere in the Batman solo movie directed by Ben Affleck. Just saying

Yoooo....

#batman #1989 batman #jack nicholson #Michael Keaton #billy dee williams #danny elfman #vicki vale #joker #commissioner gordon #kim basinger #the blogger reacts #bruce wayne #prince #Tim Burton #jared leto

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bartsugsy · 7 years

Text

The Robron Break-Ups : A Definitive Guide (Part Four/A Large Number)

Part One / Previous Part / All / AO3

And so we return again to what is ostensibly a Break Up Counter but is actually at this point just a general recap of Aaron and Robert’s entire storyline, because I literally have no self-control.

Fair warning to you - with this post we reach The Donny Saga and The Time of Chrobert and the first Proper Break Up, which is personally one of my least favourite eras as far as Aaron and Robert are concerned and I spend most of it wanting to silently and furiously throw sharp objects at my tv screen. I MAY NOT BE AS SUBTLE ABOUT MY DISLIKE AS I COULD BE, TO BE HONEST.

But still, this has been therapeutic, and has reminded me that we’ve lived through many a Dark Age before.

Anyway, everyone loves a good bit of low-key saltiness don’t they? And also, in amongst all the… Lachlan stuff… there’s still some really wonderful moments, because of course there are. It’s Aaron and Robert.

I love you all. Thank you for your kind comments and likes/kudos/general loveliness. Enjoy.

Part Four: The Real Deal

16. 15th April 2015

So we pick up with things happening with Lachlan that I’m not even going to pretend to care about. Robert is distracted, Aaron is back from the hospital and Paddy and Chas are both Very Unsatisfied by this whole goddamn bitch of a situation. Anyway - the important thing is, in among all this stuff, Lachlan’s dad Donny comes back, which is only enjoyable if you enjoy seeing Robert irrationally hate people out of sheer jealousy (which I do, so here I am).

In the midst of all this, Aaron and Robert are not actually talking, according to Aaron, who is staring sadly at his phone in wait.

(At the same time as this is happening, Vic and Adam agree to go on a double date with Finn and the bloke he’s seeing and I scream a thousand screams of actual agony because when will they go on a double date with Aaron and Robert what the ACTUAL HELL)

(…moving on)

Anyway, Robert rocks up at the Woolpack to visit Aaron, who is still annoyed that Robert has been ignoring his messages and expresses this. Robert explains that Donny has turned up, Aaron asks if Robert’s jealous and Robert pulls this great ~offended~ face, as if that’s not exactly what’s happening. Aaron teases Rob a little bit to try and lighten the mood but Robert still kind of looks grumpy, so Aaron gets the hump and tells Robert to call him when he’s ready to talk. As he leaves, Robert looks all sad and guilty. It’s so hard maintaining two romantic relationships at once, isn’t it Robert? Poor angel.

How long did it last? Less than a day. Probably minutes, honestly. Robert had probably text Aaron with a wink face and a flirty joke before he even got out of the door.

But on screen, the very next day we see them at the scrapyard, literally just standing around and making out next to a rusty old van. Robert checks his watch to keep an eye on the time (lest Chrissie get suspicious) and Aaron comments that Robert has yet to have a go at him today - an odd occurrence given how moody Robert has obviously been lately. Robert laughs and explains that it’s Donny (TO WHICH AARON REPLIES “IT’S AARON, ACTUALLY”. AARON DINGLE KING OF HUMOUR). Robert goes on to talk about his annoyance at Donny’s general presence, because he’s clearly jealous and worried that he’s going to start making moves on Chrissie. Aaron, understandably, is about as sympathetic as an imminently dying person might be towards someone who sneezed once 5 hours ago and points out the absurd irony that Robert is worried about Chrissie cheating.

Robert doesn’t quite dignify that observation with a response, but simply apologises because he’s aware that him moaning about his marriage to his lover is probably not the smoothest of moves. He dials the pretty charm up to 560 and tells Aaron that they should meet tonight and go on a big romantic date with food and drinks and that Aaron should wear a suit (OK HE SAYS “PUT SOMETHING DECENT ON” BUT THIS OBVIOUSLY MEANS SUIT IT’S ROCK SOLID CANON THAT ROBERT LITERALLY FALLS OVER HIMSELF AT THE SIGHT OF AARON IN A SUIT SO) and that he might even be able to wrangle them an entire night together. He leaves and Aaron watches him go, biting back the smallest little smile because he’s all excited. Well. That will disappear soon.

Who came crawling back first? I don’t know they literally went from Aaron walking out to the two of them snogging. It was obviously Robert though.

How little did they mean it? 0/5 I mean why even ask at this point

17. 16th April 2015 - 17th April 2015

So, Aaron goes home after work and gets ready for his date with Robert. He’s not wearing a suit and I’m upset about it. Probably for the best though, because Robert has literally gone home and immediately dragged Chrissie into bed because he is the dictionary definition of “insatiable”, with the intent of spending the night with her. Has he already forgotten what he just said to Aaron? Stop double booking your dates Robert, you literal butthole.

Robert sort of neglects to mention his self-inflicted change of plans to Aaron, who ends up waiting around in the Woolie and leaving an angry voicemail with Robert, who obviously still hasn’t turned up. Luckily, Chas comes along to provide an excellent distraction, when she reveals that James has cheated on her. Cain barges in shortly afterwards and both he and Aaron look ready to punch all the things.

Aaron walks out (or hobbles - he’s still on crutches following his accident) and gets almost accidentally pushed to the floor by Paddy. Paddy notices the Face of Thunder™ Aaron is wearing and asks what’s wrong. Aaron fills him in about James and just sort of looks fed up with life. To rub salt into an already gaping wound, Robert rocks up with Chrissie, heading towards the pub, for the date night that he and Aaron were supposed to have, because apparently it’s ASSHOLE WEEK AND ROBERT IS THE NUMBER ONE PARTICIPANT DO YOU MIND ROBERT YOU’RE MAKING YOUR BOYFRIEND SAD YOU FLIPPING BAGEL BITE OH MY GOD

It’s at this point that I’m remembering why I never rewatch this particular era in their storyline.

Anyway, Aaron limps off, even angrier still, and snaps at a following Paddy to leave him be. Back at the pub, Aaron bumps into James, who is going through the ‘collecting his stuff’ stage of the break up. James tries to apologise and Aaron calls him a little muppet, growls a bit and refuses to let him leave.

James snaps and says that Aaron gets a free pass with Chas for every mistake he makes, which he understands because Aaron is her son, but - to quote James - “boy, do you need it”. Well, James isn’t wrong. In perfect soap timing, Robert chooses this moment to walk into the pub with Chrissie, still on the date he was supposed to take Aaron on. Aaron and James’ fight escalates, Aaron follows him out into the pub and catches sight of Robert and Chrissie, James calls him a coward who can’t face up to his actions and Aaron just snaps, grabs an ENTIRE FUCKING WINE BOTTLE and bottles James over the head.

In front of a lot of witnesses.

James gets back up and they start arguing again, but Cain keeps them separate and forces James to leave. Robert gets up with the intent of “doing something” to help, having completely forgotten about Chrissie’s presence in the face of Aaron doing something stupid, but Chrissie immediately forces him to sit back down. Chas comes out, Pete rocks up, it’s a whole thing, there’s a lot of arguing and Aaron just really looks like he wants a fight. You’re on crutches son, be good to yourself.

Anyway, other stuff happens. Donny gets beaten up and Aaron gets questioned by the police because he literally assaulted James in front of like 50 witnesses. Luckily, James gives Aaron an alibi for the police and he’s free to go.

How long did it last? Bloody forever

Who came crawling back first? Robert. Obviously. Robert drives up to the village to talk to Aaron and apologises for standing him up the night before. It’s the worst apology I’ve ever heard and Robert seems mostly perplexed that Aaron doesn’t want to both forgive him and hear about his dramas with Donny trying to steal Chrissie or whatever.

A few days later, Robert goes to find Aaron at the scrapyard and apologise. This scene mostly exists for Aaron to tell Robert that he’s seen Donny for the first time and overheard a dodgy call, which sends Robert back to Home Farm to #expose Donny to Chrissie once and for all.

More stuff happens with Donny. Ross and Chrissie flirt and I cry over their absurdly good sexual chemistry. Other stuff happens with Donny and he tries to steal Lachlan from the village or whatever. Sadly, he fails. Chrissie takes this as a cue to have Donny brutally murdered or some shit and Robert finds this to be the best turn on in the world and god help me I literally love everything about them despite myself. They’re like the Ultimate Evil Scheming Power Couple of Emmerdale, except Robert is utterly in love with someone else and Chrissie deserves better.

Also at some point Bob makes Robert a cake and sings him Happy Birthday. I understand this has nothing to do with anything, but it felt important to point out.

How little did they mean it? I mean, as much as it didn’t even sound like a break up when it happened, a damn lot, a whole flipping 5/5.

The show has, at this point, basically decided that Home Farm week never happened and it’s Chrobert’s time to shine. At one point Robert goes to the pub while Aaron is there sitting pretty in the background and has a secret meeting with ROSS BARTON. They don’t even make eyes at each other, this era sucks.

Speaking of, Ross gleefully spills to Chrissie that Robert set up the Home Farm raid. She confronts Robert, he thinks she’s found out about Aaron, but nope. Just the original shit he pulled. She yells and then he yells and then Robert goes off to confront Ross and Aaron appears and Robert doesn’t even give him a flirty look and I just want this era to end.

Robert ends up with Diane, who insists that he stay with her in the pub. Aaron walks in to find Robert looking pathetic and STILL NOT TRYING TO BANG HIM

AND THEY ARGUE AS IF THEY NEVER WERE EVEN IN LOVE BECAUSE ROBERT IS ANGRY ABOUT LOSING CHRISSIE AND AARON IS ANGRY AT ROBERT FOR BEING A DICK AND THEN AARON THREATENS TO TELL CHRISSIE EVERYTHING AND ROBERT SAYS “YOU’RE NOTHING TO ME” AND EVERYTHING HURTS ME IT’S NOT EVEN GOOD ANGST™

They’re literally sleeping under the same roof and not talking OR banging.

It’s absurd and it’s offensive.

At the prospect of having to actually live with Robert, Aaron asks Paddy to borrow some money so that he can leave the village for a bit and get some thoroughly undramatic and much needed peace. He changes his mind though, and has a great chat with Chas about Robert and Carl and Aaron is absolutely resolute that he’s finished with Robert, regardless of whether he comes crawling back for more.

Later on, Robert has literally changed his tune entirely and tries to get back into Aaron’s good books. Aaron gives him a shove, tells him they’re done. Robert apologises, says he shouldn’t have pushed Aaron away, but Aaron stays true to his word and doesn’t give in.

Oh man, yeah. This is a Break Up.

Luckily, knowing what we know about these two, it may be Over For Now, but it is in no way Over For Good.

Honourable Mention #10: 11th May 2015 - 14th May 2015

Fast forward a bit. Robert and Aaron are still living under the same roof and still haven’t banged again, which is entirely unrealistic, but hey - good for Aaron. I guess. Speaking of Aaron, he literally grabs a paper and sticks it down in front of Robert, telling him to find his own place and move on. Robert, who is sitting at the bar looking thoroughly depressed, uses his Soft Aaron Voice and asks if they can go and talk somewhere. Aaron tells him to not be a prat and walks away.

CAN I JUST POINT OUT HOW GOOD ALL OF THIS COULD HAVE BEEN IF THE SHOW WANTED TO ADMIT THAT EITHER OF THEM EVER HAD FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER BEYOND “NICE DICK” BECAUSE IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO. GOOD. INSTEAD, THEY DON’T AND I’M MOSTLY JUST MAD.

ON PAPER IT SOUNDS LIKE THERE SHOULD BE ALL THIS SEXUAL TENSION AND ANGST AND IT SHOULD BE BEAUTIFUL. IT’S NOT. DON’T WATCH IT TO TRY AND PROVE ME WRONG. ALL YOU’LL END UP WITH IS DISAPPOINTMENT.

The next day, Robert is meeting with Rakesh, because despite Robert’s best efforts, Chrissie still wants to divorce him. She’s still upset about that whole Home Farm break in thing. Bummer. Aaron walks in on the meeting and refuses to leave, gloats, gets a good couple of digs in… generally looks like he’s having a very satisfying time winding Robert up. Robert reacts to this all by getting steaming drunk. Aaron finds him and takes him back to the Woolpack, gets him a coffee and takes care of him, because Aaron is a good person and also still completely in love with Robert.

Robert apologises sincerely, talks about how much being alone terrifies him and tries to kiss Aaron. Aaron pushes Robert away and walks out. Chas sees the kiss and freaks out once more that Aaron and Robert are going to end up together. I’m telling you - give Chas a detective show or a psychic certification because she’s NEVER WRONG ABOUT THIS STUFF.

Chas and Paddy confront Aaron once more and he decides to sort out the living-with-Robert situation once and for all - and goes to pay a visit to Chrissie.

Blinding red herring - here we are, getting ready to see Aaron reveal the affair, but instead Aaron goes to Chrissie and basically convinces her to give Robert another chance and my heart shatters to little pieces because oh my god, Aaron just wants to be away from Robert, knows that if Robert stays they’ll end up getting back together and it’s just sad ok it’s sad and I’m sad.

The scene is amazing though. Aaron really sells it and it’s fascinating. He goes back to the Woolie to find a now sober and hungover Robert, who is absolutely not in the mood for Aaron to have it out with him again about moving out. Aaron explains what he’s done to Robert. Chrissie appears just in time to overhear their conversation. It all starts off great, then Robert starts bitching and Aaron admits that he flat out lied to Chrissie and ultimately, Chrissie locks Robert in a barn and pretends to set it on fire.

Seems reasonable.

Ah yeah and lest we forget - that’s exactly the way his mother died.

God they’re terrible to each other.

Anyway - a fascinating little sidenote to this particular honourable mention: Robert, in another desperate attempt to get Chrissie back, tells her that he knows he does stupid things, hurts the people he loves, manipulates, etc. and that he’ll change. She almost believes him, until he accidentally drops the massive cheque she gave him as a settlement and frantically reaches down to grab it, proof that more than anything, Robert cares about her money. There are so many similarities between this and the conversation Robert will have with Aaron about how he wants to change and be better for Aaron - except that with Aaron he honestly, genuinely means it.

He’s nowhere near there yet though. He does, however, go back to the Woolpack to find Aaron and they have a conversation - one of the first probably almost civil conversations since they split up.

Robert asks Aaron to run away with him. They’ll take the cheque Chrissie gave him and make a fresh start somewhere else, together. Aaron says that if Robert had been asking this a few weeks ago, Aaron would already be out of the door with his bags packed and ready to go. Now though - now he’s lost his trust in Robert and more than that, knows that wherever they go, even with Robert not being with Chrissie, they still won’t be able to be openly in a relationship because Robert still isn’t ready to come out.

Because, and this is important, Robert has spent all this time not with Chrissie, with Chrissie seemingly firmly out of the picture, and he and Aaron still haven’t become a proper couple - which is something I think Aaron had really put his hopes on, deep down - that the person getting between them was Chrissie, more than Robert himself.

Aaron asks Robert to go out into the bar and tell everyone, to “say it proud” and of course, Robert isn’t in the right place to do it. Aaron says that all he wants is for Robert to not be in his face 24/7 and tells him to “do one” (ah boy, I’ve missed that phrase) and storms off.

Honourable Mention #11: May 2015 - June 2015

FAST FORWARD SOME MORE. Robert and Chrissie get back together because Robert and Lachlan are like best buddies at this point and Lachlan helps out. It’s adorable in the sense that Ryan and Louise have lovely chemistry, but you know, whatever.

Robert breaks the news to Aaron and is all “no hard feelings” which Aaron quite rightly laughs off because What. The. Hell. Ah Robert, you dingbat. You can try to pretend like what you had with Aaron meant nothing but we all know the truth son. WE KNOW THE TRUTH.

He’s so good at lying to himself, isn’t he?

Aaron gets distracted by more Adam and Victoria drama, which is great. Anyway, on the day Victoria and Adam are supposed to move in together, Vic finds out that Adam had a one night stand with Vanessa and may have knocked her up. Aaron is a supportive friend and Robert appears to have the sweetest conversation with Victoria and be a supportive brother.

I say sweetest, but the whole thing is literally him suggesting she get her revenge.Whatever, it’s still sweet. Robert decides the best way to do this is to use some of his dodgy contacts to try and get Adam arrested because of course that’s how Robert responds to things.

Anyway, this is all to set the scene for Robert’s sudden and visceral hatred of Adam Barton. Vic and Adam reunite and decide to run off together with the intent of getting married. Robert… does not take this well.

So. Short and sweet (…in a way). I’m ending this here so that I can get it out of my drafts and move on to the next post, because this entire thing was written about two months ago and has been sitting untouched ever since. Tragic. So, onwards to the next part - which, coincidentally, is my all-time favourite era and also, let’s be honest, possibly the worst robron break-up to exist in this day and age so far.

(AND FOREVER MORE I DO NOT WANT LODGE PART TWO DO U HEAR ME UNIVERSE? NO. ONCE WAS PLENTY.)

That’s right kiddies. It’s The Lodge.

#the robron rejection compendium #robron #ed

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forkanna · 7 years

Link

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

NOTES: Literally sitting in what used to be the Second Cup location from the movie right now! It's since become an espresso bar, so at least I could get some kind of coffee-related drink (really wanted to tell them my name was "Fucking Pilgrim" when they asked). I've been enjoying this trip, and all the fun stuff I got to see; drove past the Pizza Pizza where they got a slice after Scott beat up Todd, and Sneaky Dee's (comic-only reference). I'm really hoping I can see Casa Loma and a few other Pilgrim-landmarks before I head home.

This chapter has another cliffhanger, but we're getting into the meat of the story now. Plus, there's a little extra something for Flyafar in here somewhere, hehehehe.

"...So then I said, 'that's the only kind of cheese you know, isn't it?'" Knives giggled as she finished putting the clear coat on top of my fingernails. The whole time, I looked very distinctly disgruntled at the whole situation, though I couldn't scowl nearly as much as usual with the face mask on. "But the guy had no idea what I was talking about. Some people are just really super dumb, huh?"

"Some people, present company included." She stuck out her tongue, showing just how well she was adapting to my general demeanor. "Can we take these off yet?"

"Almost. And I'll get yours so your nails can dry."

"Thanks." She leaned in to peck my lips, and I just barely managed to suppress the instinct to flinch. "U-uh…"

Her little sigh of contentment was so cute. Which made it even funnier that what she said next was, "So cute." Then she blew on my nails for a second before reaching up to her own face, and slowly peeling the mask down and off. "Eeewww… okay, ready?"

"As I'll ever be." She grabbed a corner and began to peel it off, and I shivered; it was so cold and gross-feeling! Why did people do this to themselves?

Once she jumped up and threw both of ours away, little aluminum foil pieces bobbing in front of her forehead, I tried not to watch her ass as she went. Why did I care about that all of a sudden? Never once could I remember looking at a girl's ass and thinking "Oh yeah, I'd do something to that." Especially since I had no idea what the "something" was! Spank it? Bite it? Use it as a coffee table? No idea. I never checked out guys' butts, either. Maybe I was seriously repressed and Knives was uncorking a whole bottle of desire I didn't even know I owned. And when I say "maybe", I mean "probably".

When Knives got back into my living room, she came to a stop and towered above me as she asked, "So, I do have to shower soon and get this dye out of my hair. But I can keep you company while your nails dry."

"They're almost done," I told her dismissively, determined not to think too hard about Knives being naked in my apartment. No, to not think about it. NOT to THINK ABOUT IT, stupid pervy brain! "You can go on if you want; nobody likes an itchy, burning scalp."

"Cool. And then we can finish everything up! I want to do your toes before we go to bed, at least, and put on that movie you brought."

"I bet you want to do my toes," I tried to tease her. "Already said you think they're cute."

Her grin was very playful. Sometimes she was super easy to tease, and sometimes she just danced right past my traps. How annoying. "The freckled one is. And I guess her little friends are, too." Her foot nudged mine, and I shivered, not even sure why I was shivering. "But I think all of you is cute, so…"

"Well, I think none of you is cute. All of you is dumb. Dumb face, dumb head…" This time, she was the one to roll her eyes and walk away, though she was giggling as she went.

While my new girlfriend showered, I mostly just tried not to ruin my fresh coat of paint and sat there, listening to the music still playing from her iPod. This was nice. Goddamn everything, I wanted to hate getting all girly with her, but she was making it fun. And to be honest, even though she was way girlier than me, it wasn't to the disgusting heights of a typical "sorority bimbo". This was about the maximum level of femininity I could handle invading my androgynous zone.

Get it? Androgynous zone. That's a pun.

When she came out of the bathroom roughly an hour after going in, freshly showered and in fuzzy PJs with cartoony cats patterned all over them, she caught me trying to eat the last slice of Pizza Pizza without touching anything with my fingernails. Her laugh was beautiful and earnest, and it kept me from snapping at her as harshly as I wanted to.

"Shut up, I got hungry!" More giggles. "Okay, okay, how was your shower? The hair looks pretty good."

Her fingers traced through the damp red forelock. "Thanks! I dunno, I tried going back to being totally natural but I missed the dyed part. And I guess I got over the whole thing about resenting Ramona, since… I got somebody better than Scott in the end."

"Y- I…" My words crashed into each other and wound up a tangled mess, and my freckles turned darker as she leaned in to kiss my blushing cheek. Then she licked it. "WHAT?! Why would you do that?!"

"Pizza sauce."

"O-oh… thanks, I think." Another giggle, and this time I laughed, as well. "Guess I made a mess trying not to make a mess of my nails."

"They look great! Just have to finish the rest."

"Yeah, okay, as long as we can put on some bad TV in the background."

So that's exactly what we did next. I rested my feet in her cross-legged lap, and she painted while Friends blared in the background. God, I hate that show, but she loves it. At least it was something for her to be entertained by, and I could entertain myself by ripping it to shreds whenever possible.

Especially Ross. Fucking Ross, man…

Around the time she was finishing up mine and we were getting ready to switch, she asked, "What would it have been like if we met in school?"

"You mean, like, if I was nineteen, or you were twenty-four? We did both go to a Catholic school…"

"We DID?!" she piped up, flicking a tiny drip of the dark green paint onto my ankle. But my glare was unnecessary, because she wiped it up with a facial tissue right away. "Oh yeah, I think you mentioned it… I just wasn't thinking about it that way. Wow, so cool!"

"Yeah, it's fabulous," I sighed in a deadpan.

"But sure, that." She blew on the nails for a second, then kissed my toe-freckle. I don't know why, but even though I really wanted to kick at her and tell her to cut that out, instead I just felt faintly embarrassed and kept my mouth shut. "What if you were a girl in my class? Then like, we could have hung out all the time, and talked about boys…"

My smirk was quite dark as I let my legs down over the side, and she offered me the jars of the polish we had used on her fingernails earlier in the evening. Bright red, to match her hair. "We don't seem to care much about boys, dude."

"Not now," she clarified with a huge grin as her feet landed in my lap. "But both of us were extra straight then. Or like, I was, and you probably were, too. Since I'm the first girl for you."

"Who says? Maybe I really did have a threesome with Scott and Ramona." But her stunned look didn't last long, because I set to painting as I grumbled, "Fine, fine. I didn't. But yeah… I dunno. Probably wouldn't have hung out with you back then since you weren't very 'cool'. And I was still angsty, and just wanted to play the drums. Funny how you can think you're so awesome and when you look back a few years later, realise you were just a whiny little bitch."

Frowning, she told me, "Don't say that. You were a kid. So was I in high school, doing theater and band and stuff. Before you guys helped me grow up some. I mean, my school days were more recent for me but I think it's pretty much the same thing."

"It is," I admitted, even though the High School Kim part of my brain was screaming that it was totally different and that I was a sellout and all this other crap. She needed to chill. "But for what it's worth… you weren't that bad. I just didn't want a groupie hanging around while we practiced."

"You mean that?"

"Yeah. Nothing personal. I didn't like Ramona much at first, either."

"Well… we were dating Scott. I mean, I've been dumped by him, I get it."

"No, you don't. He wasn't the first one you ever…" I bit my lip. "Look. It is the same, and it's not. Sorry if I act kind of salty about this sometimes."

The foot that hadn't been painted yet nudged my tummy to get my attention, and I looked up to see real sympathy in her eyes. Even though I was kind of being a dick. "It's okay."

"Sorry… I'm really sorry, Knives." Clearing my throat, I redipped the brush and went back to work. "You're right, we're both members of the Scott Pilgrim Lonely Hearts Club. I shouldn't split hairs."

"What was it like? Being with a guy. I mean, I never got that far."

"Like being fucked," I said bluntly, and she snorted. My serious expression finally softened as I spared her a glance. "I mean, you've gone a solo round before, right? Not that different from fingering yourself."

"Well… not really." She seemed extra awkward about this question. Not that I got why; maybe she was just shy about admitting this. But it's no big deal, only masturbation talk. Whole world does it, right? 'She bop, he bop, and we bop', to quote Lauper. "Tried some stuff. And it wouldn't be the same thing you experienced, that's for sure."

Nodding, I finished the first set of five toes off and moved to the second. "Guess everybody's different."

"And now, I might never know, since I kinda hope…"

I waited for a few seconds. When she didn't finish, I froze for a second as what she had been leading to caught up to me, and I sat up straighter, looking her in the eyes. Yeah, that was definitely what I thought it was, because she looked a little mortified, and highly self-conscious.

"You were gonna say something sappy about me, weren't you?"

"Noooo…"

"Are you lying?"

"Maaaaaybe," she admitted, wilting. "Sorry, Kim. I know, I know! It's new, and we're just, like, giving it a trial run or whatever, but I can't help it."

Swallowing down the weird, giddy noise that tried to erupt from my throat, I coughed, then said, "W-well… I guess it feels pretty good when you say stuff like that. Just a little frightening, too. And nauseating. It's a lot to process."

"What's to process? I like you."

"That! THAT is a lot to process for me! Why? And how can you when I'm not gay?"

"Okay, pretty sure you're a little gay," she giggled, and I sighed in defeat as I facepalmed yet again. "Sorry to break it to you, friend."

A little disgruntled at how she kept laughing at me, I went back to finishing the paint job. "Very little. Like, point-one per cent. And you're a little bit of a cunt for rubbing it in."

"What's to rub in? Being gay isn't an insult."

"Yeah, but it still feels like one since until you started trying to make out with me all the time, I figured I was straight. And I'm used to fucktards calling me 'dyke' just because I don't giggle and flirt back when guys tell me 'duuude, redheads are hoooot, broooo'. So yeah, for me, being called a lesbian mostly used to be a way for them to insult me and make themselves feel better that I shot them the fuck down."

"Redheads are pretty hot, though," she said with a nod, completely serious. I nearly messed up her pinky toe because of that, but I kept my cool and finished it, then began blowing on them to get them to dry as fast as possible so I could be done.

"We burn in the sun, and we have no souls. Plus some people call freckles 'cute' but they don't really get how annoying they are. And then there's the part where bleaching my hair to turn it any colour other than red just looks horrible, so I'm kinda stuck with it."

Frowning very slightly, she said, "Aww, but I like your freckles. You might not but I really do think they're cute."

"You think one freckle is cute, and it's a weird one. Feet aren't cute, end of story." I was still trying to blow on them again when Knives pushed her big toe into my lips, cutting off the airflow.

"Don't you think mine are cute?" I pulled away, sputtering and spitting. "Guess not."

"UGH! Why would you do that?! They're dirty!"

"I just had a shower! Literally just now!" she protested as I wiped my arm across my lips. "Careful, your fingernails-!"

"God, sometimes I really don't know what you're thinking…" But it really hadn't been that big of a deal, so I went back to checking her nails again. "And you're dry. I'm ready for my clear coat."

Again, we switched laps, and she started in with my top coat. After she got the first few done, she said in a quiet voice, "Sorry, I guess that was dumb."

"It was dumb. But yeah, I didn't mean to flip out that much." We were both quiet for a moment. Maybe I really had hurt her by overreacting. "Okay, so your feet are cute, as far as any feet can be in the first place. Happy?"

"Mmmm…" Now she was thinking it over, and I had a feeling I wasn't going to get off that light. "Tell me something else about me that's cute."

"Your ass. There."

"Kiiiiiiim," she whined.

"Your face! That little button nose, your soft, dark eyes, your giant smile that belongs on a much bigger face than yours! Jesus H. Benjamin Christ!"

That got her smiling again, and I rolled my eyes. But I wasn't lying. For a second, I thought she was going to gloat, but instead she simply raised my foot and pressed her lips into my big toe, kissing it for a lot longer than I had accidentally kissed hers. She even closed her eyes while doing it, as if she were enjoying herself. Crazy, right?

"Same. Like, you're the hottest girl I know! I thought you were way out of my league. And I mean like, after we made out; before that, I just kinda looked up to you in a weird, awkward way. But after…"

Just barely starting to get over her kissing me there of all places, I stammered, "Wait… h-have you had a crush on me since that night? Seriously?"

"No! I mean, a little? But not like, in the way that I was hanging around you and hoping this would happen. Because I never believed it could. But yeah, I, um… you were so sweet and understanding, it was a whole other side of you. Always kinda hoped I'd get to know you better, just as a friend. Ever since that night."

'Yeah, one I can't remember,' I scoffed to myself. But she didn't need to hear that. Glancing away at the TV, I tried to process that for a minute. At least this hadn't been some long, elaborate ruse just to get into my pants; I could appreciate that a lot more than if it were. On the other hand, it was kinda sad. Knives saw potential in us as a couple long before I did, and it felt off-balance. Wrong.

Maybe I needed to step up my girlfriend-game to make up for that. Not that I had any idea how.

"You deserve better."

"Don't do that thing," she warned me with a little purse of her lips.

"Fine, I won't. But you do." And I let it go at that.

All nails were painted and clear-coated, and I got off without having to match Knives in her toe-kissing intensity. Which was great, because… no thanks. Trying to do better in the dating department than just playing Super Smash Bros. and being an asshole, I let her be the little spoon and recline against me as we lounged and watched an old DuckTales VHS, barely talking and mostly just enjoying that closeness. The feeling of legs against my own, warm bodies close together, was… weird. Like a preview of what it would be like sleeping next to her someday? I don't know.

Finally, she yawned and I agreed that it was getting late. "I'll make up the couch while you brush your teeth or whatever."

"Okay. Yeah, I have a whole ritual; it takes a little longer than yours, of course."

"Of course," I scoffed with sarcasm. Not that I was sure what she meant. "Go for it."

Once I had a sheet down on the cushions, I nodded to myself and sighed, then looked around and started clearing away some of the food-related trash. Then I moved her suitcase — what was in that thing?! — and got my living room as ready to be a bedroom as it was ever gonna be. Was I really going to dote so much now that we were sorta-kinda together? It boggled the mind.

Decked out in my own PJs, which were more like just a ratty tee and sporty shorts, I heard the toilet flush. After a second, I went to knock on the bathroom door. "Knives?"

"Yeah?"

Pushing it open, I started asking, "Do you sleep with the light on or…"

We both froze. It wasn't that she was naked or anything; she wasn't. Her underwear was on, and so was her top, but her PJ pants were down to her knees and she was seated on the toilet, lid closed. That wasn't the problem. It was the hypodermic needle she had stabbed into her thigh.

"Off, usually; though I have a Keroppi night light from when I was little that I leave on in case I have to get up to pee. Forgot to bring it, though."

What the fuck?!

To Be Continued…

#kim pine's precious little knives #forkanna writes #scott pilgrim vs. the world #lgbt fanfiction #toronto #pizza pizza #forkanna the writer

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