#why am i so obsessed with these traumatic ass characters

[naaaaayyyhaay]

Hot Take: Ian doesn't actually deserve Mickey

Ian never understood the lengths Mickey went to for him and it breaks my heart because Mickey always wanted to make him happy and always went so far for Ian and he never appreciated it.

My Reasonings include but not are not limited to the following...

strike one: not visiting Mickey in prison even though when he was bipolar and in the psychward Mickey didn't abandon him

strike two: not wanting to throw his parole to be with Mickey in prison for another year even though the whole reason why Mickey was even in prison was because he ratted in order to be with Ian

strike three: having second thoughts about marrying Mickey at town hall

TRIPPLE THREAT: the whole "promise ring" ordeal where he was a huge hypocrite because he was saying that they didn't need to get married because it was just a piece of paper but the whole reason why the seriously broke up in the first place was because of Mickey literally being forced to marry Svetlana and Mickey still wanted to be with Ian and didn't care about the marriage to Svetlana because he only saw it as a piece of paper but Ian disagreed and ran off to the military, so MAJOR hypocrisy there.

((bonus: forcing Mickey to come out even though he wasn't ready to and his life would be in danger, trying to run off when Terry caught them together even though Mickey attempted to protect Ian but Ian basically only stayed because Terry put a gun to him, and of course lets not forget all the cheating he did while he was going through his manic episode although i understand he was not in his right mind that still doesn't take away all the pain that Mickey had to endure because of his actions.))

oke this was just a much needed rant that I feelt i needed to get out, again this is my own personal opinion so pls keep that in mind if you even made it through this whole thing lol. but if you did i would love to hear any thoughts or discourse on what my fellow Gallavich stans think :) oke its literally 2am and i've got work tmmrw aahhh

[saturnniidae]

you say you have disabled hiccup headcanons? :3 *ears get really reall big. how are they doing that. why*

id love to hear them :D

Yes! Okay you've opened the floodgates my friend, I've been waiting to talk about this for so long.

He's autistic and has adhd! Obviously.

stims by tapping his fingers against things, waving his hands around, quickly taking apart and putting back together trinkets he's made, mimicking dragon noises (tho over time he's realized their vague meaning and stopped doing it randomly bc it was confusing them), running his hands over toothless' head to feel the texture of his scales and (when he was younger) petting his fur vest

His 'obsession' with things (trying to one up viggo, and when he was working on his sword) is literally just him Hyperfocusing on things

Easily loses track of time when he's locked in (Hyperfocused) working on inventions

Has that random 'I need to info dump NOW' thing and wakes Astrid up in the middle of the night like to randomly talk about abnormal behavioral patterns in a new terror flock on berk and Astrids just like 'babe I love you but it's three am'

Dyspraxic. When he was a kid he spent so much time practicing coordination for things like learning to write then later working in the smithy, and almost gave up more than once before continuing out of spite.

immunocompromised. Like seriously Hiccup has a weak ass immune system and would get sick every winter as a little kid, to the point of it being fatal. The villagers would always talk in hushed tones (bc of stoick caught them they'd get yelled at) and wonder if that years gonna be the one where he doesn't make it but he always ended up pulling through (also out of spite)

After meeting Toothless he developed tinnitus. Didn't think much of the ringing in his ears at first bc. Yknow, dragon roared at full volume directly into his ear. Then it didn't go away and he was like 'huh maybe this is an issue' then it just got worse as he continued to be in close proximity to loud noises like, even more roaring, and explosions etc.

Despite this he's got that weird "I enjoy loud noises like dragons roaring and the sound the wind makes when you're flying at like 40 mph, but if I hear the noise of lots of overlapping voices all having different conversations in a large room I need to die."

Chronic pain. The obvious, phantom pains in his leg of course, but fun fact! The human body really doesn't like it when you've broken bones repeatedly especially in the same area, and with how much this kid gets thrown around in rtte it's safe to say he's broken, fractured, and dislocated a lot of things.

When he comes home/gets back to the edge after a long day of traumatic or ridiculous events, first thing he does is take Toothless' saddle and prosthetic tail fin off, then he tries to crash in his bed, but either Toothless doesn't let him sleep until he's taken his prosthesis off (I hate that he sleeps with it on in canon looking at it makes my body hurt imaging how uncomfortable that'd be), or Astrid comes in to make sure he does (and also to make sure he eats bc he forgets to wayyy too often).

Asthma. No explanation. I just know he has it

I hope not all of these came off as super angsty, they aren't meant to completely. Like sure it sucks but he's allowed to not be miserable constantly (disabled people are allowed to not be miserable constantly, it doesn't make our pain any less valid. We're allowed to be happy).

I just love when characters are permanently, physically, changed by their story. Tbh if it weren't for rampant ableism, I think a lot of characters in action/adventure stories would be disabled, but people aren't ready for that discussion yet. Ty for the ask I had so much fun answering and writing these!!!

[chaifootsteps]

I used to dislike blitzo back in season 1-early 2 cuz he was a jerk and abusive and the story tried to justify it with "womp womp he has trauma and he only wants to tough moxxie up so it's okay". And i was supposed to feel bad about his ass? After he verbally abused moxxie throughout all his work life and threteaned to rape him and his wife? Used verosika and stole from her when they where together? Disrespected barbie's boundaries and feelings? Dissmissed fizz's feelings and unintentionally said "hey i lost my mom bitch, you aren't the only one who has problems" WHEN FIZZ WAS FUCKING BURNED ALIVE, LOST HIS LIMBS AND HORNS AND WAS TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU I MIND YOU.

To be clear, i don't hate asshole characters. I hate when asshole characters are being coddled and excused by the narrative, it's insufferable to watch. Blitz was this. An asshole character who was excused by the writers and you are expected to feel bad about his ass when he got humilated in the club. Thanks i hate it. And it sucks because i love the concept of an abusive asshole realizing he is an abuser and trying to do better to people who he wronged. But i couldn't handle the awful execution.

And guess what?

FUCK MY ASS I'VE CHANGED MY MIND. I feel so bad for blitzo now lmao. The 2 times when blitzo isn't at fault THE WRITERS TRY TO PUT ALL THE BLAME ON BLITZO AND EXCUSE PEOPLE WHO ABUSE HIM JUST WHY. Loona physically assaults him when he respecfully asks her to be nicer to their clients because IT'S HER FUCKING JOB BITCH THEY WILL LOSE MONEY IF YOU DON'T AND IT AFFECTS YOU AS WELL YOU LITERALLY LIVE WITH HIM. And then she kicks him in nuts when all he did was apologising and attempting to hug her? What's funny? What's funny about this 22-years-old grown ass woman physically harming her adoptive dad who provides her a linvinghood, job and unconditional love when she is an adult? And saved her from a toxic and dangerous enviorment? Are you trying to say *he* is in the wrong in this situation and *deserves* to be beaten up by a person he has never wronged in his life? Are you kidding me? Why am i supposed to hate stella, who is abusing stolas, but expected to like loona, who is abusing blitz and moxxie, and to find her abuse "funny" and slapstick? You can't have both, pick one vivzie!

And speaking of stolas...i don't even want to talk about it. I feel horrible for blitzo. Yes, he was an asshole and was only using stolas to get the book, but it was stolas who made their relationship transactional. It was stolas who reffered to blitzo as "his impish plaything". It was stolas who only ever asked from blitzo sex and sexually harassed him on daily basis. He even put a cigrette on his horn likw wtf? It was stolas who made the deal when blitzo couldn't even consent because he, you know, WAS ABOUT TO GET MURDERED BY THE CANNIBALS? AND STOLAS WAS FULLY AWARE OF IT? And the list goes on and on...

"You think so low of me?" GO FUCK YOURSELF LMAO THIS IS SO BAD I CAN'T. ARE YOU REALLY THIS DELUSIONAL?

Okay, even we pretend none of the above happened and was retconned, blitzo *owns you nothing* stolas. If he doesn't have feelings for you it's not *his* fault. He shouldn't have his buisness tied to your bird ass to spend time with you (and in case if he doesn't, he will lose his job, how fair) if he doesn't love you. Get a life please, you only known this guy for *less than a day* and it was *25 years ago*. And he was completely disinterested in your hobbies and was literally only there because he was manipulated by his father and *sold to you like an object or a toy*. And you still obsessed over this random dude who doesn't even like you and love him more than your own daugther whom you known for 17 years??? Wow, such victim fel bed for him he so pooor :((((

And it doesn't help how not only the writers, almost an entire fandom thinks blitzo is abusive towards stolas or deserves to be kicked out by stolas or be beaten up by loona ("for comedy*) it's not funny. It makes me sick. It's the same as blitzo beating the shit out of moxxie and people praising *blitzo*. But not it's stolas abusing blitzo and people praising *stolas*

Fuck it.

I used to hate this guy, but now i can't feel anything but pity him. It's tragic how everyone blames him for things HE ISN'T EVEN AT FAULT HE DESERVES BETTER.

You're preaching to the choir, Anon! Blitzo is a tremendous asshole, multiple characters' lives are worse for knowing him, but he's a victim here -- and a chilling reminder of just how far people will go to defend a charming, attractive abuser that knows how to play the sympathy card.

[freakenomenon]

Hey guys can we normalize accepting Ellen can be a bad or morally grey character without using her sex or assault as a reason why she could be a bad or morally grey person, thanks!

( I am about to join you as Ellen’s biggest defender I cannot do this anymore )

YES THIS YES please GOD BITES OFF ALL MY FINGERS.

OKAY LIKE don't. GET me wrong trauma can obviously result in making a person worse due to the effects of it and it doesnt ALWAYS result in someone being able to continue being a functioning member of society. its a very real thing. ( despite the fact that ellen didn't exactly display many signs of becoming worse after the assault ??? not like they even fucking elaborated on it much after it cause of course it was for shock value but whatever )

BUT CLAIMING THAT SHES JUST AS BAD AS. IDK. THE NAZI? THE WOMANIZER? THE WAR CRIMINAL? BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO /TRAUMATIZED/ AND BROKEN AFTER AN EXTREMELY HORRIFIC EVENT IS. WHAT?

okay im going on a rant but this is also a problem i see a lot in theefandom where she's immediately registered as the "nice one" simply because she's. not a war criminal or a nazi or a womanizer or a wife beater. and I exactly blame anyone for this because inherently it is. The GAMES fault.

because if you aren't utterly and completely wrapped and obsessed with every aspect of her character that is available like someone like me is i. don't think you could hear her being a smart-ass to the egyptian god of death over her wailing in distress over the fact he's yellow.

istd,, guys. gufys please she's not a horrible person but she has flaws that do not have to do with her being a victimPLEAAASEEEEE

im yapping so bad but God

[hongtiddiez]

4 minutes ep 1 raw reactions

idk if i'm gonna delve too deep into this and do my normal analysis so for now i'll just type up my raw reactions as i'm watching lmao.

the title sequence is fucking stunning, obsessed.

ooh he has a maine coon. rich boy maybe? expensive cat and nice apartment.

i really enjoy that the heartbeat sounds in the elevator scene sound like a heartbeat heard through an ultrasound. very interesting.

but umm. if you're having severe chest pain and trouble breathing please see yourself to the hospital my friend???

oh ok definitely a rich boy, hello fancy car.

AAAAAA BAS, IT'S BAS, LSKJGAI MY LOVE, GOD HE LOOKS SO GOOD

the music in this show is fucking gorgeous but like... also why so dramatic

ok so korn: transport -> investments (secret operation??? tf?) and they want great: university -> transport. got it.

ooh 12:39 okay i see you.

ooh 12:43 ok, 4 minutes, i'm listening.

OH. OH DON'T RUN THO

also like why was there a pedestrian in there???

OH. OK. INTERESTING.

i also hate that great initially ran bc now it's gonna take so much for me to like his char, which i'm sure is the point but still (；′⌒`)

aah. okay. i understand. it seems like she didn't want to do it tho. like yeah maybe suicide but... kinda seemed like suicide under coercion? or some form of intense external pressure.

HOLY SHIT JOB. THEY LET HIM OUT OF THE BE ON CLOUD VAULT. RUN BBY YOU'RE FREE.

HE'S SO THIN??? BBY ARE YOU EATING OKAY? i mean good for him if it was healthy and what he wanted tho.

this other doctor is so fucking hot tho who the fuck are you sir god DAMN. jaw for days.

ooh those dark spots on the ultrasound look like internal bleeding.

OH I'M SO SEXY AND SMART.

sexy doctor why shifty eyed??? i have a weird feeling about him. ok his name is tyme. as of rn we do not trust tyme.

more gorgeous music tho.

oh don't twirl your scissors like a douche.

he's got dead eyes and not much for facial expressions, he's freaking me out.

ew you don't even know your patient's name??? I DO NOT LIKE HIM SAM I AM, I DO NOT LIKE TYME EGGS AND HAM.

ok i dont like tyme but i WOULD like to see him and job's character fuck nasty. i am not immune to yaoi propaganda.

GOD BAS IS SO HOT I CAN'T GET OVER IT. I'VE MISSED HIM SO FUCKING MUCH. i love bible a lot but bas is everything to me. i used to reblog the same picture of him everyday. that's my sweet cheese, my good time boy, my rotten soldier.

oh i don't like this set up tho. this feels human trafficky. or like a no way in no way out. mmmm baby what do y smell is it death? OH LMAO IT'S GAMBLING. same thing kinda.

korn seems sensitive to smells, or maybe just smoke. he's just like me fr.

oooh curly hair girl isn't here to gamble, she's here for info of some kind.

OH BOYFRIEND TIME. OHHH OH I GET TO SEE BAS KISS MEN. LIKE I KNEW BC I SAW THE GIFS WHEN IT FIRST STARTED BUT UGH. I WAS NOT PREPARED. FUCK HE'S SO HOT. I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS. HELP.

the fact that he opens up to his boyfriend and talks about his troubles as much as he reasonably can o(T ▽ To)

oh my god get OFF HIM there's no way your refractory period is that short.

not a huge fan of how korn came over, dumped his issues, had sex, and left tho. not great.

obsessed with this asymmetrical collar of great's shirt tho.

yeah i do love that no one fucking asks if great is ok, how he's doing, etc. he just went through something horribly traumatic and he could've been hurt, like. yuck. and his mom seems sweet but the fake sweet, like saccharine.

ooh why does his watch say 11:00??? something's gonna happen, huh.

fuck bas has an fantastic ass. i know we saw it but it somehow looks even better in those pants, my god.

7:13...

ugh i love brothers that can only be (mostly) themselves around each other. i really hope that's the direction this is going. two gorgeous gorgeous men on my screen, just an absolute feast for my eyes.

omg wait. wait. korn doesn't like the smell of cigarettes and he doesn't want great smoking. is there cigarette trauma? or does his dislike of cigarettes come from his concern for his brother's health?

OH facial expressions from tyme!! what a little grandma's boy.

11 am....

exploring the psychological depths of near-death experiences. the '4-minutes' phenomenon.

INCHRESTING. was manee coerced into suicide by someone trying to obtain a real time test subject for this phenomenon???

ooh he took the stairs today.

4th floor... 1:10 (13:10)... room 4... 1:11 (13:11)... ran into tyme outside room 1... at 1:14 (13:14)...

so in theory is each cardiac event he's suffering technically a near-death moment which is triggering the 4 minutes phenomenon where he has an out of body moment where he can see future events???

oooh he ran into him again. perhaps to show some things are simply inevitable?

damn the end sequence is gorgeous too.

fuck. i might be obsessed. uh oh.

god damn it sammon, you got me again.

wait so back to when it was 7:13pm... 19:13... 9+1=10, 3+1=4 so more 1s and 4s ₍ ˶•̀⤙•˶ ₎ hmmm

idk if i'm cooking or burning the kitchen down but i'm excited to find out

[dead-boys-club]

You characterize everyone really great! Except Touya don't you think you write him a little too expressive? it just doesn't seem very fitting.

I'm not sure if I should say thank you or...

So, I'm not going to do what I did with Hawks and write you a whole book ( i lied ) on why I write Toya the way I do. However, I'll give a little piece:

Dabi was a mysterious, sarcastic jackass. Dabi was a cover. A persona. He didn't exist. He was built to mask intentions until Toya got where he needed and wanted to be. It's very simple.

Toya, on the other hand, in case no one's noticed is very emotional, very expressive and talks waaay too fucking much. I mean, we spent like 7 pages with him monologuing. He's not.. some emotionless, dead inside jerk and I also refuse to write him as some overly sexualized nympho - it's kind of tiring seeing all these characters reduced to nothing but sex and bad clichés. I mean - he's a super traumatized, unstable dude with a mental issue here and there, who actually enjoyed hurting people, but he's not a sociopath. However, he's also not in denial about a single thing. He knows what he went through, he knows what he's doing, he knows he's a little unhinged.

However - you're talking about a kid who basically just wanted attention and approval, who wanted his dad to be proud of him. Lmao, I hate to break it to you anon, but half the people I know, including myself, are very familiar with this kind of situation and the trauma of it. ( if you feel the need to come at me for the burning alive part, you can take your smart-ass right to the block button and not waste my time. )

I really, really hate that I have to keep repeating myself about these characters actually having depth and being more complex than you give them credit for.

Do you even understand what its like to be a deeply traumatized person, who sought those things and ended up so fucking disappointed that you became someone else? That you stopped trusting, stopped loving - you just kinda broke? The scenarios and reactions I've written for him with a partner convey someone who finally found someone else that isn't pushing him away, isn't screaming at it and is accepting how he wants to deal with things. And I've also made it clear in my writings of him that it confuses the shit out if him and he doesn't just accept that someone loves him and is proud of him... because how the hell is he supposed to know how to react to something he's never had? I didn't just.. make him into a character that changed over night and is good and happy, etc etc. No. Because I know better and I'm not going to shit on a character with complexities stemming from trauma and mental disorders.

As someone with a handful of mental problems, trauma out of the ass, that relates to this character on a pretty scary level - I refuse to write him on the surface of what Dabi was supposed to portray. I will continue to write Toya the way I always have and if you don't like it, that's perfectly fine. I'm not asking you to like it or change your OPINION, because that's what it is, but you will not come onto my page and tell me it's wrong. Lmfao.

I'm sorry that you want some shitty, second hand surface level Dabi writing that I refuse to give. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Hopefully you find another writer who will do that for you.

( Let me clarify: I am 100% shitting on how this opinion was brought to me. I'm not shitting on people that write him that way, not everyone spends 179395 hours in a fixation obsession over a character; I do. Write how you want. Write how it makes you happy. But don't go to people and talk to them like this.)

You could have easily written something like 'you characterize everyone really great but I don't agree with toya. can i ask why you characterize him like this?' Literally could've just asked. Not 'oh this is great except this one this one is wrong'.

If it doesn't seem fitting to you, that's okay. Then my writing isn't your taste. Go find someone else you enjoy?

[mqonlighting]

spideypool thoughts because i am back in my sm/dp phase and loving every goddamn second of it !!

- something about the way their dynamic is actually healthy??? yeah no FUCK the i-can-change-him idea, but rather the I-CAN-CHANGE-FOR-HIM idea??? obsessed and I love it in terms of spideypool

- i am ABSOLUTELY SMITTEN for the legendary fics where spidey gets jealous of himself and is left in a state of pure shock about it whenever wade’s swooning over his latest crush peter parker like SOMETHING ABOUT IT IS SO PETER OF PETER TO DO AND ITS FUNNY AND MAKES FOR A DELICIOUS IDENTITY REVEAL

- coming up to the topic of identity reveals I have a LOT to say about them, first of all I find them so important to the progression of wade and peter’s relationship. it’s important because maybe, on a more practical level, peter feels like wade has so much at his disposal to exploit his identity — but it’s that exact mindset that makes the big moment so special. who peter is behind the mask is him in a state of vulnerability; at the end of the day, spider-man is everyone’s shield and their great savior and protector — including peter’s. he feels like he has to be so strong and brave all the time and have his guard up, but the moment he takes off the mask, it means that he trusts you with his fragmented pieces and trusts that you won’t break them any further. NOW TAKE THAT IN THE CONTEXT OF SPIDEYPOOL, WHERE PETER FEELS LIKE HE HAS TO HATE WADE BECAUSE WADE IS WHO HE IS BUT HE TRUSTS HIM ANYWAYS AND DOESNT KNOW WHY. gold

- this is something that’s like said a lot but there’s something so interesting about the fact that wade and peter as characters actually have very similar principles and characteristic points — they’re both funny, both use humor and quippage to cope with the turmoil and struggle constantly thrown at them, and they were both thrown into the deep end at young age. where their characters begin to diverge are the morals and ideas formed by their unique and individual traumatic experiences and coping experiences. for example, if ben hadn’t died and peter’s rageful side and irresponsibility only consumed him, who’s to say he wouldn’t have become a murderous killer the same way wade was? or even a mercenary the same way Wade did to try and support himself financially and care for his family? and if wade had grown up in a supportive household and learned the price of his actions, who’s to say he wouldn’t have become a hero like peter? EXPERIENCES BUILD CHARACTERS AND THESE TWO HAVE SUCH INTRICATE CHARACTERS

- something about their perceptions of one another physically. I TALKED ABOUT THIS IN ONE OF MY REPOSTS but the way peter is just an average, pretty good-looking guy and every time I write wade describing his features, it’s not “he’s hot” or “he’s sexy” or “he’s a model” but rather the small things no one would find beautiful or even unique about anyone. big, chocolate brown eyes, crooked, bashful smiles, the way he forgets to push up his glasses — literally who the fuck would care other than a person madly in love? EXACTLY.

- in correlation to the previous point, FICS WHERE PETER REASSURES WADE HE’S GORGEOUS IN EVERY WAY AND MEANS EVERY SINGLE WORD. if you love someone TRULY, nothing can be ugly about them. and peter sees the scars and wade thinks he’ll hate it but in reality peter adores it and thinks wade is unique and beautiful and interesting and all of that. AGH warms my lonely lonely heart

- wade would be very happy to do the upside down kiss. this is in fact a fic idea so by any means please treat this as a prompt

- BOTH DISASTERS BUT BOTH EACH OTHER’S DISASTERS!! look I love tired x hyper but something about these two being absolute hurricanes of awkwardness and then bonding over their weird ass references with occasional hints of tired x hyper banter makes my heart sing I honestly just love them (BONUS POINTS IF THE HINTS OF TIRED X HYPER IS DEADPOOL MAKING A FLIRTY STEAMY COMMENT, PETER GETTING FLUSTERED, AND THEN PETER TRIES TO HIDE IT WITH A TIRED EXHAUSTED ANGRY LINE OF DIALOGUE) or perhaps peter realizing Deadpool is a fun guy and unknowingly doing everything in his power to hang out with him mayhaps?????

anyways yep!! some of my incoherent head-empty-only-spideypool thoughts that I would like to share with the class ! < andd not to be a shameless self promoter but if you would like to see these thoughts written out then I’m on ao3 wink wink cough cough >

[leonstoenailunderhisbed]

RE Villains and my psychological opinion (+mini history lesson hehe.)

I really like the way CAPCOM writes their villains. Everyone talks about the main protagonist(s) such as Chris, Leon, Jill, Claire, etc. I think we should definitely give some credit to the evil guys of the franchise. I have my own two favorite villains, Lord Saddler (RE4/RE4R), and Svetlana (Damnation). I wish I could write about ALL the characters but that would almost be a book's length.

(I am no expert in psychology, i barely survived my spring semester lol. I am not licensed and i most certainly am not a doctor. The history part is true, but the psychology is just me being hyper fixated on the minor details. Once again, take this lightly. Also, i have my psych final soon and I'm so ready to kick ass.)

There's just something so alluring to me about the obsession with one being known as a God or God's messenger. Lord Saddler really got me thinking about how easy it is for a narcissist to make a cult about, essentially, themselves. Everyone knows the story about Narcissus, the mythological Greek God, and how he fell in love with his own reflection and basically starved himself to death. Hence why the term narcissism derived from the myth of Narcissus. Narcissism goes deeper than just one being self-centered. A narcissist is much more evil- they lack empathy and exploit others for their own goals/achievements. I would like to believe that Lord Saddler definitely has a narcissistic disorder because he took it upon himself to become, and as I like to call it, The God of Plaga. I mean, the dude literally created his own "bible" and his own insignia. He, like James in RE0, believe that they can conquer the world using the parasite. But the psychology behind it, or least in my humble knowledge, is really just a narcissist playing God. Saddler's psychological disorder is being projected onto religion, maybe in a response to a traumatic event. Freudian theory states that projection is a psychological defense mechanism where an individual projects unwanted thoughts, feelings, and motives on another person/group. I'd like to think that Saddler is a narcissist that projects his own motives as defense mechanism using religious methods.

I'm no expert on modern religion but I do like to think myself as someone well versed in BCE and CE religion. As i played through the game, I couldn't help but notice some similarities between Saddler and his cult and some ancient religious beliefs. Ancient civilizations often believed that their God's power was absolute, thus making religion an important part of their culture. The village in which the game takes place obviously contains a small church and then a castle- followed by the peasant village in the beginning of the game. We know that this is a remote location in Spain and since Spain was known as Hispania during the Roman Empire, it would be safe to say that maybe MAYBE CAPCOM was inspired by the history of the country that had followed all the way to CE. I'd like to believe that Saddler was probably inspired by the ruling of the Roman Empire after Emperor Theodosius (who declared Christianity as the state religion of the empire.) Saddler, much like Theodosius, created his own religion but it was considered a minority. Once Saddler had recruited more people, his "empire" expanded, much like Christianity all across Europe in CE. His plan was obviously to expand his domain and control the world with Las Plagas. Of course, this is just my own theories and observations.

I really loved Svetlana's character as a villain. She's cunning, diplomatic, and very goal oriented. It fascinated me the way she handled situations, as if she already knew everything from the start (except the temporary unification of Russia and the US). We know she used to be a combat instructor, or still is maybe. To me, she's the definition of a wolf in a sheep's disguise. Which again brings to my point on my analysis on Saddler- a narcissistic will do anything to make sure they accomplish their goals, regardless of whose lives are at risk. Svetlana, unlike Saddler, has international support and can manipulate ambassadors to be in her favor. She already has control over her republic as president, she only needs a little more help from her international supporters. This is not only a trait from a businessperson but also someone who is very smart and probably knows how to use people at their expense. But that's every politician, in my opinion. Greed and money are basically what sugar is to kids for politicians and government officials. The way she smirked and basically declared her victory when she was talking to Buddy through the barrier was literally so evil of her part, but it made sense. At the end of the day, I'd like to think that she really just had this urge of not messing up the country since she probably faced a lot of pressure from being the first female president of the country.

Svetlana is very smart. She resigned of her position right after the civil war ended because she knew the consequences of basically breeding Nemesis’s cousins (LOL) A narcissist is never dumb and if they are then they aren’t narcissists. Narcissists are extremely smart and extremely manipulative with no sense of guilt.

I would like to talk more about James and then deeper in Resident Evil Village bc that game is literally so well written I’m like 😍🫶🏼

[akkpipitphattana]

Am i the only one who doesn't get what Wen sees in uncle Jim 😭 Don't get me wrong i love the show, and i LOVE Heart and Liming, and i quite like Wen's character too, but Jim is just so cold and grumpy and never smiles and i just don't get why Wen is so obsessed with him, like sure the story with his ex is sad but like Heart has a way more traumatic backstory but he's not an ass to people, or Liming whose parents literally left him with an uncle that only fights with him is not half as bitter... I just wish they would have made Jim a bit more likable, or at least relatable like Alan. Sorry for ranting, just needed to get that off my chest 😂

i’m so sorry if my posts making fun of jim made you feel like this blog was a safe space for jim haters but it’s not 💙 SHDKSKDJD like i’m sorry but i just don’t agree with you, i genuinely adore jim and his character

like for one you’re just wrong. on multiple accounts. for one, jim DOES smile. evidence:

isn’t it beautiful? but i get what you mean, it’s not often we get a jim smile. but the man also has a shitton on his plate! he can barely pay his bills, has the diner (which is his LIVELIHOOD) threatening to be shut down, and he has a kid he has to take care of on top of all that. a kid that’s not even his own, mind you.

and when you say he’s an ass to people, you mean when he chose not to pay his car insurance and instead bought leng a gold necklace to use for praew’s dowry? you mean when he refused to use gaipa’s feelings for him to his advantage and returned the title deed because of it, despite the fact he COULD have gotten a loan out of it and saved his business? you mean when he didn’t hesitate to let wen stay with him after he moved out of alan’s despite the fact that jim had made it clear from the beginning he didn’t want complicated and yet wen continued to be persistent in fitting himself into jim’s life while KNOWING he was still living with his possessive ex? no, you’re right. he’s so cold and uncaring and doesn’t give a fuck about the people around him. clearly.

as for li ming and jim, i’ve already made a post about this, but everything jim does in terms of li ming is his attempts at protecting him. i’m not saying he’s going about everything in the right way, lord knows he’s not, but NO character in this show does. like i said, wen continued to pursue jim despite the fact that he hadn’t completely cut things off with alan. alan chose to confront them both at the worst possible time because he was fueled by jealousy and anger, he pushed wen and tried to go for jim, too. li ming continues to go behind jim’s back and put himself at risk of pissing off people much more powerful than him. leng and praew are starting a family they didn’t originally plan for without a lot of money. the only characters you can argue haven’t don’t anything wrong are heart and gaipa!

the point is. this show is great because the characters are real people. they’re messy, they do the wrong thing, they hurt the people they love. but at the end of the day, they love each other and are there for each other. that’s the whole point! and jim isn’t any different just because you don’t find him likable enough.

[peterparkersnose]

Last of Us Spoilers Episode 3

—————————

Joel’s broken hand in the rocks seemed so sad. rip tess

kumbaya he’s stacking the rocks now

Ellie with Joel’s jacket as a blanket awwe

I love how Ellie is bothering Joel it’s so cannon I love it

5 MILE HIKE??? my feet would be hurting. i don’t get out much cant you tell?

ELLIE WHY are you opening that shit in the gas station??? Close the mystery door please!

TF SHE GETTING IN FOR?

nvm tampons

the infected scared the shit out of me

why is she dissecting it miss girl this ain’t a science class

they never mentioned tampons in the game, i’m so happy they finally addressed it somehow

HEY i remember that shot from the first teaser pic! i legit thought it was fake too for the longest time. nope deja vu

mass graves tho like it makes sense. sad.

BRO THEY GOT TO MAKE THAT TRANSITION FROM THE DEAD PPL CLOTH TO WHEN THEY WERE ALIVE ouch

for what

Nick Offerman as Bill 10/10 casting

Bill was fucking prepared goddamn

at least someone had a good time during the apocalypse

THE TRAPS! so disappointed we didn’t get much from that tho.

the ‘don’t tread on me’ flag and he’s gay? (when worlds collide)

Frank is adorable

All I see is Ron Swanson in Bill IM SORRY

Frank is so wholesome I love this sun and moon trope going on

KISS! First kiss in this show that’s been GOOD (traumatic flashbacks to last week’s kiss)

Love in the apocalypse tho i mean meeting someone like that- wow. beautiful.

This is so sweet, I hate that I know what’s coming

OHMYGOD TESS AND JOEL? AT DINNER?

loving domestic joel

tess looked so beautiful and happy it makes her death even worse

i’m obsessed with how they aged the characters. beautifully of course.

“If… mine,” Joel describing Tess

Loving 2011 Joel. Gives us more of a backstory I love it.

Bill all dressed up for Frank’s friends awwe

2014 Strawberries i love this sm

“Not on the strawberries!” LMAO

Yo now there pee paws, so cute

I love how there taking care of eachother in old age

Pretty sure frank has ms. so sad.

why am i crying this is so sad

“get married” i’m done bye tears

better ending than franks game ending for sure

THIS SHOW DESERVES A FUCKING EMMY

double suicide?

i will say the missed out chance on batshit bill gameplay is sad

hot take not enough interaction with infected so far, i wanna see joel go feral on some runners

Joel got his car at least

I’m so sad it’s different from the game but I loved Frank and Bill’s love story

More audio I recognize from the game! Joel’s Rules! LOVE

ELLIE GOT HER SHIRT

Showering omg i bet you joel smells like ass

SHOWERED JOEL he looked so handsome with his hair wet slicked back

bro ellie doesn’t know what a seatbelt is

Episode 3 10/10

[ijusthavesomanyblorbos]

SG Starbee?

ok so im pretty sure ur referring to the ship starscream x bumblebee? if there's a character named starbee that idk about im gonna feel silly... but i'm just gonna assume u mean the ship.

as far as characterizations, i really leaned into the whole "child solider" age thing w bumblebee. (as i'm writing this, i am realizing i have basically NEVER TALKED ABOUT STARSCREAM??? so i need to do that immediately someone please remind me cause i will forget.) anyways, for that reason i don't know if i would place him into a ship with anyone.

plus, post war (which is where i think most starbee ships take place), bee is maybe... probably... in prison??? so not in any place where he would meet starscream.

ok so that's my offical statement on the lore. BUT i'm assuming you only sent this ask in because you like the ship and wanna hear about it!! so, hypothetically, if starbee WAS a part of this universe:

starscream is basically the complete opposite of bee.

bee is a manipulative, traumatized, slightly crazed people pleaser that's been exploited since birth for the sake of an apathetic overlord that only cares for him as a tool. he has no friends. he's never had friends- and really, he doesn't even understand why.

meanwhile, starscream is every bit as annoying as he is in canon. he is disobedient and loud and RUDE, and everything bee has ever been punished for. he is very clearly Doing It Wrong, and yet somehow...... he's happy? he's cared for!

it's not fair. it's just not fair.

(what bee doesn't see is this- starscream, despite his many eccentricities, is genuinely caring, and protective of the people around him. he's loyal, and determined, and idealistic to a fault. and those traits, after 4 million years of war, have endeared him to a truly staggering amount of people.)

(bee also doesn't see this: starscream is about to endear himself to one more.)

post war- bee has been allowed to rejoin society, on the condition that he makes as big of a show of it as possible. he is to serve as an example for the autobots on how to reintegrate. (relegated to poster boy once again.)

starscream is assigned to be his "diplomatic partner" in a "unity promotion campaign" between the remaining leaders of the deception and autobot armies. (starscream is assigned to be his babysitter, to make sure he doesn't fly off the rails, and to take care of him if he does.)

now, the expectation here is that hopefully, starscream and bumblebee will manage to put aside their animosity long enough that people settle and reconstruction can begin. eventually, society will become stable enough that "unity promotion" is no longer necessary, and they can go their separate ways.

that is not what happens. starscream, shepard of the lost he is, takes one look at this lonely, angry, hurting soul and goes oh! guess he's mine now :)

over the course of the next few years, starscream teaches bee how to advocate for himself. (how to be more than someone's puppet.)

starscream shows him how to really live. (how to be more than just a soldier.)

starscream helps him understand that there's more to life then fighting, that you can make a place for yourself in the world without clawing your way up and carving it out by force. (how to rest.)

and how can bee not love him after that? in some ways, he's still not... normal. in some ways, he is just as obsessed and devoted to starscream as he was the autobot cause. really, bee has just traded one idol of worship for another.

but for the first time in bee's life, that devotion isn't going to be abused. he's given his obedience to someone who will never, ever use it. and that's what love is, i think.

so, starscream gets a scary ass guard dog (that is really just a lap dog in disguise)

and bumblebee gets what he always, always wanted.

bumblebee gets to be loved.

[cringelordofchaos]

FOR DAY 2 OF FREAKBLR MONTH -

Listing my faces here!!! (SORTA AAA in order)

SEAN <¾¾ IDC HES SUCH A COMFORT CHAR FOR NE ABD THERE'S SM MORE TO HIM THAN SOME PPL THINK . I have a whole tag dedicated to him (#sean appreciation)(I think) and I've been obsessed w him since ep6 which isn't really THAT long ago (and my sister had him as a fav before that) but IDC. Literally have dissected every single scene he's in in my head. I swear it all makes sense. Traumatized ass. Also he can be so silly <¾¾ (he talks to a mop he calls mr broom... Maximum joyful whimsy imo) and my rp account for him is the third side blog i ever made, and the first rp account j ever made, I also have both a music and a non music playlist for him on YouTube where I just hoard and collect videos of him... And seriously guys please write more fics of him.... I started but I am incapable of finishing ANYTHING I start so it's been abandoned in my documents folder forever .... Hopefully one day...!

Basic answer but DREW ! Been a fav of mine since ep5 And idc what people say, he's cool and interesting and I'm allowed to like imperfect and even rude or antagonistic characters . Also parallels more than half the cast if were gonna be honest. Also his relationships w zoey n Jake r really fun to look into . Also my playlist for him is the largest one (w over 40 songs) and idk whether it's cuz I'm obsessed w him specifically or cuz a lot of songs r usually about heartbreak and betrYal

Lia !!!!!! Deserves more screentime but the screentime she did have did flesh her out, but I want to know more - why did she feel pressured to fit in sm to the point of her (presumably-) leaving Hailey and befriending Zoey, someone she clearly is tired of? for Jake we know he wanted to fit in n be popular cuz he's been subjected to bullying his whole life and he didn't want bad history to repeat, but is there any specific reason for Lia to go so far to change herself for others ???

daisy !!! Don't have anything specific to say but I love her sm cuz of ep7, tbe struggler

MILLYYY!! really relatable + fun and chaotic and cool (ep3 = <¾4444444), she definitely has adhd(c?), I love her friendship w Sean and Jake and Elliot, her frenemyship w Zander, her enemyship w Zoey n Henry (who she beat to the pulp)

..Zoey!!! There r so many possible explainations for why she is the way she is and she could genuinely be interesting. The potential is there and yes it's be predictable and cliche but c'mon this is tmf were talking about, id be totally down for it !!!

Honorable mentions to Background-chan (iykyk), Sadie !!!!!!!!!, henriam (inseperable) and elliot!! Theyre pretty cool!!!!!!

This... Isn't really the most accurate list but whatevs

There are probably more I forgot!!!

[uchihakeimei]

Helloooo, hope it's ok if I reply here! Also I forgot to apologize in advance for my terrible English, hope it's understandable!

What a relief to find someone who actually understands Kaiser! He's one of my absolute favs together with Rin and Isagi, but I never really spoke much about him since I noticed the fandom has a bad habit of misinterpreting him. AND Kaisagi in general. No, Isagi is not his soft-uwu toyboy, he's a badass, a menace and if anything, it's him that would put Kaiser in his place. And yes, they totally hate each other. Like, super hate. And that borderlines on obsession from Kaiser's part. (Ngl, that's my favorite part in all Isagi's ships, how he's unbothered, moisturized, living his best life, and the counterpart is decaying in their obsession in beating him. God, he's such an icon.) Their mutual disdain is what makes the ship so balanced, and also the reason why I dislike Kainess, I don't really appreciate the power imbalance and how submissive Ness acts around him. He deserves better than that. Oh, how I would love to see him leave Kaiser in the dirt to fight alone: that would be such a great character development for both of them. Ofc I'm not judging anyone who ships Kainess, it's a perfectly valid ship! I just love both Kiis and Rnis cause they check all of the boxes of the chemicals in my brain. And when the Kaiser flashbacks drops? I'm gonna go absolutely crazy. I need to be the worm in his brain and understand him in a much deeper way than Kaneshiro ever could.

(Also, I love your headcanon about their alternative jobs. I tried to come up with something for Rin too, and I concluded that he definitely could only ever work in front of a computer, where he would never have to interact with people - and traumatize them with his weird bullshit, lmao). (Oh, and Kaiser would be an even worse boyfriend than Rin, let's be real. One small argument and he's dumping your ass to ""find himself"" like any mediocre fuckboy).

Yes, despite my BLLK obsession I'm keeping up with other mangas! I've been reading One Piece since I was a child, but lately I got invested in Chainsaw man, Choujin X, Kagurabachi, Bungou stray dogs and My hero academia, too. What about you??

Of course, it's totally okay!!

And hello fellow Kaiser fan, great to meetcha!!

And yes. A lot of people mischaracterise Kaiser- either as an Isagi simp (most common in fanfictions) or a complete asshole with no depth.

KaiSagi characterisation tends to be even worse (which, this is NOT me criticising authors at all, people are entitled to write what they enjoy!), but either Kaiser or Isagi gets reduced to a desperate simp trying to get into each other's pants (mostly I have seen this with Kaiser, actually) and that's not very likely.

The charm of KaiSagi is their mutual hate, and the ways they overcome that!

And yes. You hit the nail right on the head! Such unbalanced ships, like KaiNess (SasuSaku or NaruHina from Naruto) are the one kind of ships I can never get behind. Whether it's love or hate, it needs to be mutual for me to enjoy it. Power unbalance is not my thing but different strokes for different folks and all that

And yes, Kaiser currently obsessed with destroying Isagi while all Isagi wants to be is no 1 is a delicious flavour and Kaneshiro is cooking

I need an explanation. Of everything regarding Kaiser. That flashback needs to be longest flashback in the manga. I want a biography I can write a thesis on.

(True!! He definitely isn't a people person. He will most likely be doing a job that requires minimum human contact lol)

(And yeah, Kaiser is such red flag, we'd need rose colored glasses to date him 😝)

Hehe. Fellow CSM fan!! My fav is Denji, and I am eagerly awaiting Season 2!

And although I haven't seen the rest of them, I have they are very good anime as well!

My absolute favourite would be Naruto, as I have been in that fandom for years as well. Apart from that, I am currently keeping up with Solo Leveling and Windbreaker!

(Although listing all the animes I have watched will require a separate post, I watch a lot of them!)

Ps: Your English was lovely, no worries!!

[callmearcturus]

ARCHIE. just indulged my mom's tom cruise obsession by watching dead reception in imax and oh MAN i can see why you like these. indulge me. is your main ship ethan/benji bc i am ALL over it, im also a big fan of the ethan/benji/luther triad so if u got anything hit me UP

i am currently the gayest dyke in paris after seeing ilsa, grace, alana, AND that chick named paris (my favorite) all in succession so if u got any steamy shit for the ladies hmu also

gasp

LOTTIE

yes of COURSE i ship benji/ethan, oh my god lottie you NEEEEEED to watch Rogue Nation please you will DIE, the entire movie is the Ethan And Benji Show bc when Ethan is on the run and is being hunted by the CIA of course he calls his beloved Benji to help and Benji refuses to leave him, LOTTIE its so fucking good

THE CHICK NAMED PARIS IS ALSO MY FAVE but also i dunno how many ppl have seen the movie yet, i am hoping for a lot more with her, i love how Ethan did his usual bullshit and imprinted on her and it came back to save his ass

also WHY is ethan so attached to grace within like .5 seconds of meeting her. it's too platonic to be a boring het romance thing. is ethan just Like That. bless his soul

LOTTIE

ETHAN IS JUST LIKE THAT

THAT IS IN FACT THE MAJOR CHARACTER FLAW THAT MCQUARRIE (the writer/director) HAS BEEN BUILDING IN THE PAST FEW MOVIES. Ethan's fatal flaw is canonically, stated textually, that he cannot stop focusing on the One Person even when LITERALLY NUCLEAR APOCALYPSES are on the line. The entirety of Fallout is about this exact thing.

Like, this flaw of his was actively used by the villain of Rogue Nation to manipulate Ethan. the villain literally tells Ethan "yeah i killed this bystander you imprinted on bc i knew you would never get over it, lmao" its amazing how predictable he is

I LOVE HIM HE'S A FUCKIGN MESS. also his origin story from the first movie is he was being groomed to be a team leader but then his mentor went turncoat and killed Ethan's entire team, he's sooooo traumatized, Lottie

pls lottie watch Rogue Nation and Fallout, i promise they are good, i'm not just a weirdo, they're really good

[requiemsystem]

A few days ago, I was reading someone's stories about DID. They described having alters, or voices in their head (I can't quite remember their exact wording, or even if they said voices; all I remember is I resonated with it and began to wonder if I had OSDD/DID).

I felt like a huge faker immediately. My only real exposure with it had been with the Fake Disorder Cringe comps on YouTube (such shit, god). I realized that every time I'd broken down in suicidal hysteria, attempts, the 9-1-1 phone call, etc., it was an alter. I named her Em, or Emily; it just felt right.

For context, I am in a constant dissociated state from still being stuck in an abusive environment. My memory is not divided in terms of small events and things such as clubs, schools, friendships, etc--rather, it's divided in terms of trauma and pain. January was specific. My week at the hospital was specific. February and March are specific. End of March, April, May, June, are specific.

I can recall the feelings of depression and suicidality in the months before Mid June to Now, but Mid June to Now was marked by anorexia and recovery, etc. There are no other memories than anorexia/things related to it, and my abusive friendship which triggered the eating disorder. There was also a suicide attempt (three, but I don't count two. Why don't I count two? Because they are hanging attempts, and I have tried to hang myself so many times that they do not count in my brain. Asshole shit, I know)

But you see, I cannot remember other things unless I dig deep in my brain or look at photos from that time.

Another thing is, I have only been able to piece together a timeline of my trauma and memories from the very huge fixations (which kept me alive; magical thinking) I was obsessed with at the time, and also random ass conversations I remembered. There are only two to five of these conversations--and in (nearly) all of them I am watching myself from afar, like in a movie. Other times, a traumatic memory will pop up and I'll force an age out. Ten, eleven, twelve; the memories from when I was a preteen are so fucking mixed up and weird. I only remember the trauma, not what happened elsewhere.

I do have some other memories of events which I thought about a lot, but if I hadn't constantly thought about those at the time they would've disposed of themselves. Things do that now, I have no capacity to ruminate as I used to so they slip away silently into the void.

Honestly, nothing feels real; I am always watching myself from afar, and things are wishy-washy, blurry, and other people are floaty. Even the feeling of lust, which is very prominent for those my age, seems horribly muted and dissolved into a weak "meh" most of the time. People around me talk about this and that, etc etc, but the only time it was ever really prominent was when I was younger and punished myself with extreme feelings of guilt over it, or when I decided to starve myself of it and then use it to cope during Late March to June. I do think that it is more muted from psychological religious abuse about how I was a horrible dirty person because of it definitely muted it to ten percent of those like my peers, but there's not much I can do about it other than shrug.

My memory is basically that of a traumatized Wattpad OC. I am the equivalent of a twelve year old's angsty emotions coming out through a character (I was that twelve year old once, believe me the hell I put my characters through was...yikes) and goddamn it is nothing like the movies. It's always been painful, sharp, like reopening a painful scar; nothing like the tragically pretty depressed skinny girlypop with white skin and haunting blue eyes, so I never thought I could be depressed until I was like yeah shit I actively want to kill myself ://

I wish I could describe it better, but the one word that sticks in my mind is floaty, senseless, blurry, wishy-washy, soapy, etc. I don't have the vocabulary and trauma knowledge now to fully realize my own state, nor do I have the capability to realize how painful the memories are. To do that, I would need a permanently safe space to process them; and you can't really do that while hiding your every move and thought from your mother who merely views you as an identical doll who is an extension of her.

There are a few years until I'll be able to escape, and I'm also coping with the fact that the city I built up in my head (Seattle) has been exposed as it truly is with the case of a police offer murdering an immigrant woman from my country.

I still don't know what to do with these feelings; I want to scream and rip out my guts but I am too dissociated now to truly feel it. This is where Em comes in, she holds all of the pain and memories and raw knowledge of what I'm going through so I can function throughout the day.

I used to think of her as a voice in my head, the suicidal one. The one who would spam me with relentless thoughts of "I don't want to live anymore I want to die get me out of here I hate them I hate this I can't do this anymore life sucks please kill me please please please," and her feelings are so horribly overwhelming the only solution is to shove her shards back into my chest and dissociate again.

I think Em is the only one aware of the true horrors of my life. Usually, when I tell people things, they gasp and recoil in shock; avoiding me afterwards actually.

She is 5-7 years old--a child. She is eternally stuck in 2014-2015, and will absolutely fucking flip if you try to bring her into another year. I think this is because this is the age when the horrifying suicidal thoughts and internalized racism, facial dysmorphia started.

Last night I was trying to process one of my very first traumatic incidents (I was found watching videos of people vomiting at four years old. I was beaten mercilessly while screaming, crying, and begging to stop. These videos were allowed by my mother (the one who beat me) and she even joked about letting me watch them. I am not sure why she flipped out here; I think it's because she clicked on a video herself and disliked it immensely) and I decided to bring Em out. This incident happened in 2012-2013, and she screamed.

It felt as if someone was stabbing dull knives into my chest and stomach, and I could hear her sobs coming from inside me. She begged me so much, please don't make me go back, that's too far, I want 2014 not 2012, this hurts please; so I stopped focusing on the memory and instead tried to fall asleep (it was nighttime).

I'm not a very verbal person; I get teased because of my american accent, so I try not to speak as much as I can. But while Em was there, she made a noise; not even a word, just a noise of torture, and I could tell it was torturous and cruel to make her suffer like that. There is a reason why traumatic memories are distant and tethered off in my head, and forcing her to relive the shit that is a core part of her identity was obviously very stressful.

Whenever something reminds me of the trauma (yesterday it was a video talking about a father regretting not giving his car to his son, prompting me to remember my dreams about getting my license and my dad teaching me to drive--then, when he saw me for the person I truly was, telling me that he'd never even let me borrow his car to learn driving on and I'd never get my license unless it was on my own terms) she comes out--even right now I felt her stabbing through my chest, apparently just describing the trauma (which was a conversation from some of the most traumatic and emotionally terrorizing few weeks) prompts her to come out. I often forcefully shove her down, returning back to my state of dissociation, because (due to my environment) it isn't safe to have someone as vulnerable as Em out and there. She absorbs trauma like a sponge; any minor thing said to her will cause painful suicidal ideation. She told me, "you don't know what it's like holding all of these things in, [my name]. i have to keep everything in a nice little bag for you, [while you do nothing]." The last part in brackets wasn't said outloud to me, but certainly understood. She knows everything I do, even the fact that I'm writing this right now and use her as a dump for any and all unpleasant feelings, and obviously doesn't like it (who would?).

Unrelated to her, I've always thought I had different voices in my head, and thought I was a "quirky weirdo" for that. I've only now realized that most people don't have two to three separate chains of reason in their head which argue with each other, take hold of my brain, then leave once their job is done.

I suspect I have another alter, I always called them Caroline because during periods of extreme stress and fear they'd tell me exactly what I needed to do to avoid punishment and abuse. They'd help me check for bloody tissues (sh) and tell me how to hide them; advise me on when to wash my hands after cleaning up; invent lies for me; and even help internally defend me against people who hurt me. They'd leave as quickly as they came, but it was always like a special, energy-filled person was there who knew exactly what to do. Even now, they will talk to me.

And they don't even really come out in periods of deep distress either--a lot of times, they will just randomly come in and..."take over me," I guess, because I will act incredibly different and usually when I am back to my "normal" self I will realize that I was incredibly different right then.

I've been struggling so much with denial and feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred, guilt, etc etc etc feeling of being invalid and faking it.

What do you think this could be? I was thinking of maybe OSDD-1 (B) but I just really need to hear a third party's thoughts. I posted this on my main blog too, but yeah.

i want to tell you that i took several days to think of how to reply to this, i still am not sure what the best response will be i cannot tell you if you have OSDD or not. i am not qualified to diagnose you. if you are looking for someone to tell you "yes, this sounds like OSDD and you are a system", then im not that person. what i will say is that what you are describing sounds incredibly difficult to navigate and i am sorry you are experiencing this i will also say, as someone who deals with a lot of denial, faking is a conscious decision. if you did not consciously choose to fake a disorder, you are not faking it. it is possible to be wrong and mistaken, but thats very different from intentional faking if you havent already, maybe try making some form of contact with these suspected alters and see if they reach out. thats where we started, and just talking to eachother was helpful in figuring things out i wish you luck, and if you have any further questions, feel free to send more asks or DM us! - grey

[elfhunk]

it's so funny that this stupid tumblr blog is paying a key role in the re-socialization of my fucked up brain.

below the cut because it's a sentimentally hopeful bummer but still indeed a bummer about some mental health brain stuff.

like. most of you do not actually... know me? i am making no effort to separate this blog from my actual identity.

but you do not have the context of me working my ass off for four years in art school, hitting an art block so severe that it sent me into a tail dive so severe i did not draw for several years, to my life being blown up and pieced back together at least three times now. it was a perpetual cycle of adrenaline fueled sprinting and cataclysmic disaster that i intentionally hid from everyone until it was too late.

like. i literally don't know how to draw anymore. not consistently, anyway. people joke about not using their degrees but i have taken it to an unexpected extreme. my friends have honestly (very nicely) begun teasing me whenever i say that i am bad at drawing because of how patently untrue it is.

anyway, if any of you have been wondering why i'm so delightful?

it's because something is deeply wrong with me, in a way that i am only starting to understand recently.

i now know that i am (probably, adult diagnosis is complicated!) autistic, i know that i have ADHD, and i know that i have experienced certifiably CPTSD level trauma. my therapist even confirmed for me that these things in combination do in fact result in me meeting diagnostic criteria for BPD, which is fun. did you know that entire diagnosis is under contention? it's a whole thing!

anyway, i learned that there was something deeply fundamentally destructive about the ways i was using tools like twitter or tumblr.

when i was using social media ages... what, 13-25? i was effectively a roiling ball of overstimulated receptors seeking to be everything to everyone in the desperate attempt to have my existence acknowledged. i saw that art that i made for myself didn't get me attention, so i stopped making it. i became a terrifyingly self-critical ball of nastiness that saw no point in doing anything unless it was perfect.

i saw no point in existing unless i was perfect. when i stopped making art, it began to bleed into the rest of my existence. my job performance had to be perfect. my etiquette and attitude had to be perfect. my body had to be perfect. my skin had to be perfect. my hair had to be perfect. if a flaw was identified, it was buried immediately.

this whole "delightful prince charming" shtick i've ended up adopting just sort of gradually became the safest way i knew how to navigate the world. it was a character i got extremely good at playing. it was turning into a perfectly lovely way of living life exclusively in service to other people. everyone thought it was so admirable and good of me. but then the gnawing evidence of my flaws continued to build up again. and everything blew up again.

because, dear reader? this is a terrible character to try and occupy in all waking hours of your life. the mask is going to fall eventually.

so, that brings us to this tumblr. this silly little place.

i am 28 now, and things are very different. i still have a lot of problems to figure out. i still have emotional flashbacks of varying intensity to an age where i am not even verbal and do not have words to articulate what i want or need. it's wild. i didn't even know that could happen. don't get traumatized as a baby, y'all.

but i do know what man i am trying to be. i do know that people really like that man. he's cool and interesting and sexy as fuck. i need to afford him more space to be imperfect, because i am the only one expecting perfection from him.

so that's why i am kind of digging this blog. i still get to play that character. i still get to enjoy existing in this weird way that i've carved out for myself. but i don't need to obsess over it being perfect all the time. i don't have to care what you think of me. i don't know you.

you're a goddamn stranger passing in the train station.

and i am a silly little horse doing a dance. because damn this silly little horse loves to dance. and he's doing it for himself.