#why do i spiral and break down every fucking time i feel that something bad has happened

[forest-from-the-trees]

god i wish i knew what was wrong with me

[glitterjay]

I’m begging for part two of gynaecologist!sunghoon 😦

⭒ protected sex, down bad sunghoon, he does all the work, pussy drunk, situationship, cussing, suggestive content mdni

⭒ c's note: gynecologist hoon is doing something to me... p.s pt.1 is here. reblogs are appreciated!

⭒ taglist (open): @hollyoongs @moon7jay @wondipity @fertilizedtoesw @kwiwin @enhabooks @jaylaxies

it had been around five months since you made your appointments with the gynecologist, specifically requesting sunghoon to be the doctor attending to you. in the passage of that time, you both had been hooking up in that office after your checkups, and it just stayed like that. you had established that you did not want anything serious, and hoon was fine with that as long as you let him keep touching your body.

you had found out that he was a perv. he would rail you up while he was doing your monthly checkups and then use the excuse that you were needy and that he, as a good man and doctor, should help you. he also reassured you that he did not do this with other patients. there was just something about you that had him obsessed. all of his "attributes" were reserved for you, his favorite patient.

and that explains why you were laying with your back flat on his desk as sunghoon aligned the tip of his cock with your entrance. it was different this time, and your excitement had you pooling with arousal. it was usually him fingering you or eating you out, but he had finally broken. he was going to do what he had been longing to do this entire time, and you were going to be able to feel him in you.

the condom around his cock felt cold against your skin, making you shiver. sunghoon was already groaning at how tightly you were swallowing just the tip. it was a feeling that only fed his obsession with you and your body. he felt like he could go crazy, resisting the urge to just ram into you without mercy.

he was staying calm for your own sake, soothingly massaging your hip to ease the pain of getting stretched by his fat cock. "you're taking me in so- mhm! so well."

once you gave him a green light to move, he went on with almost everything he had. almost because if he went with full force, he'd break you in half. "feels just as good as i fucking imagined."

sunghoon was sweet in general, giving you presents and insisting on getting you jewelry as a thank-you. you were spoiled even though all you did was hook up with him once a month. he always said he had to do the work and that all you had to do was feel good.

but after five full months of feeling your walls tighten around his fingers and tongue, the desire to feel his dick being swallowed whole by your walls grew and grew.

sunghoon covered your mouth with his hand, noticing how high and loud your moans had become. he had learned this was your sign of getting close to your release.

his thrusts became hard and fast, trying to align his own release with yours. "hoon, i- fuck! i can't hold it!"

"let it go, princess. show me how good I made you feel."

his deep and hoarse voice threw you over the edge. your head threw back, eyes rolled back as your hands held his arms, holding your hip. with one last thrust, sunghoon pushed his own hip as hard as he could, having the tip of his cock touch a sensitive spot that sent your body into a spasming spiral.

he came in the condom, throwing his head back as he kept you in place with his strong arms. he was quick to pull out, getting the condom off and tying a knot to throw it in his trash can. he kissed your thighs all the way to your tummy, causing you to sigh with every touch.

rhe aftercare was always nice. he would wash you up, again not letting you do anything. he'd dress you back up and let you have a moment to compose yourself before walking out as if nothing had happened.

"i'll see you next month, sweetheart."

© glitterjay | tumblr

[adnauseum11]

I.E.D. (John Price x Reader)

John breaks the news of his imminent departure.

2.2k words

CW: swearing, mild violence, alcohol

This work is part of the S.N.A.F.U. series, the Masterlist is pinned to my blog as well.

Feedback welcome!

IED = Improvised. Explosive. Device.

Masterlist

Ao3

It takes less than five minutes for John to completely eviscerate your plans after he returns from his phone call. He’s watching you absorb the news with an infuriating calm expectancy. You can feel your face flush, disbelief and hurt washing over you in equal measure. There’s a dull rushing in your ears, and you have to ask him to repeat himself as you slowly set down the wreath you are unpacking.

“I have to go, tonight, in a few hours.” 

He’s standing close, his hand smoothing over your shoulder and neck, tracking your reaction closely.

“What? You’re leaving? In a few hours?”

You can’t help the shocked whine in your voice as you process this news, even as you hate how needy it makes you sound.

“I can’t say too much but I’m required on a mission, love. I’ll be gone for a few days at least, probably a week.”

His tone is careful, mollifying, which only serves to heighten your distress.

“Out back in the field? You said you turned it down!”

“I did. This isn’t that.”

“Oh…right. Well, then by all means, that makes it fine.”

You can feel your face get hot and the prickle of tears behind your eyes, but you clamp down on that reaction like a dog with a bone. Anger is easier.

“Darling, I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear –“

“No shit.” 

You deadpan flatly. John has the good grace to wince, holding his hands up in placating gesture. 

“There’s extenuating circumstances here, love.”

“Since when are you still even entertaining these contracts?”

Your fists clench at your sides, the urge to swing something at his head building with every passing moment of this hideous conversation. You march away from him instead, hoping some distance will help your impulse control. He follows but wisely allows you some space. 

“I’m not, not really. This is different. It’s just… bad timing, darling.”

“You’re really leaving me here at Christmas, alone, with no plans and not even a job to go to? Seriously!? At least there would be other people at work, John! I wouldn’t be forced to be alone! Did you even consider me before you agreed to this!?”

“Darling, this wasn’t planned.”

“But you’re choosing to go.”

“I have to go, it involves me.” 

His temper finally makes an appearance, his whole demeanour becoming unyeilding.

“I’m sorry - I thought I heard you say you were involved. How the fuck are you involved in anything; you’ve been retired for a while now.”

You shake your head, trying to make his words fit with what you know of his life. John hisses a curse, his sudden discomfort with the topic setting off alarm bells in your head. 

“John.”

He drags his palm over his face in a gesture that belies his reluctance.

“John.”

“I’m involved in that it’s tied up with a mission I was on years ago. We thought it was put to rest and I guess… it’s not, anymore.”

He answers finally, his explanation sparse. He doesn’t want to be having this conversation, you can tell by the way he’s holding himself, his back and arms rigid. He rarely discusses his work with you, a topic you have by mutual agreement left well enough alone for years. Your anxiety means you can’t handle hearing the details without spiralling, and the nature of John’s work often precluded any details from being available, a situation that suited you both. Now you’re pulling teeth, trying to get to the bottom of this turn of events, neither one of you used to it. 

“And why do YOU have to go, why not someone else, who is active?”

“I’m part of the group they’re looking for.”

“Looking for.”

You deadpan again, the words sounding hollow as you repeat them back to him. 

“Darling, I can’t really disclose anything, you know that.”

“Right. But someone is looking for you.”

“Someone is looking for the men that were on my taskforce, hence why I am involved, yes.” 

John nods, his jaw tight. You pause to take in this tiny bit of information and a sudden bolt of realization hits you. The man in your apartment hadn’t stolen anything, he’d been looking for something. 

“Were they looking for you in my apartment?”

John’s face falls and you feel your stomach drop. His reaction tells you all you need to know. Some awful part of you can’t help but need to hear the truth from his own mouth, like running a finger over a bruise. 

“Suspect the break-in was related, yeah.” 

His tone is hesitant, but the words rankle all the same.

“Why are people looking for you at my apartment, not here?”

John refuses to answer, staring you down with pressed lips. 

“Why John?”

You repeat yourself forcefully, hands finding your own hips. You can tell the moment John decides to relent, whatever mental math he’s doing not adding up to his liking. 

“Looking for a way to scare me, is the assumption. Use you to hurt me.” 

He finally speaks, his gravelly voice low. A cold chill runs down your spine and you look at the man in front of you with what feel like fresh eyes. Danger lives closer to John than you had ever stopped to fully imagine.

“Were you going to tell me, or let me keep thinking it was a random break in?”

“Darling-“

He starts but stops immediately, reflexively scratching his whiskered cheek in uncertainty. You can read him like a book, instantly piecing together the reason for his hesitancy is he doesn’t like the way the truth sounds. 

“Oh my god, John, I’m so mad at you right now I could spit. What the fuck?”

“I just want you safe, that’s all that matters to me. I didn’t want to frighten you off.”

“So, moving me in here, talking me into quitting my job, all that was to do what?? Keep an eye on me?”

“I want you here. It also happened to be the safest course of action. Both things can be true. And I didn’t talk you in to quitting your job, I just stopped talking you out of it, love.” 

John’s uncharacteristically defensive, a wrinkle between his arched brows.

“You told me to rely on you! And now you’re fucking off over the holidays with no guarantee you’ll make it back! And I’m what – being watched or stalked or something?? And you weren’t going to say anything??”

This time you can’t help yourself from the impulse, grabbing the nearest reindeer figurine off the kitchen island and hurling it in his direction. John easily sidesteps it, his eyebrows shooting up in disbelief at your eruption. You grab another figurine but John is on you before you can haul off and throw it, grabbing your wrist.

“Oi! Knock it off!” 

He barks at you, using a voice you’ve not heard turned in your direction before. You drop the deer on instinct but glare at him, your jaw jutting out in anger.

“I don’t have any confirmation that someone is watching you I just prefer to limit the possibilities for vulnerabilities when I’m not there to mitigate them.”

“Fucking speak English, John, I don’t speak military”

 You jerk out of his grip, putting some distance between you again. If you weren’t so agitated you would have an easier time of focusing on what he’s saying but it feels like your heart is sinking through the floor, heavy with disappointment and doubt. Another recent memory asserts itself, hitting you like a sucker punch.

“Oh my god, the pub? You kept saying you were concerned for my safety; I really thought you were just jealous.” 

You can feel the blood drain out of your face, your heart pounding as things slowly shift in to focus. The last few weeks were unrolling in a completely different context for John you are realizing. The sweet and protective gestures taking on a completely new layer of significance.  John holds his hands up, trying to ease closer to you again but you take another step back, feeling the kitchen counter behind you. John stops moving, the expression he’s wearing strange to you. He’s always so confident that the look of uncertainty is alarming on his face, making your thumping heart press against your breastbone painfully.

“I don’t know if that’s related. It’s unlikely. Like I said, nothing is confirmed. Just…playing it safe.” 

John admits, his face settling into worry.  

“You weren’t going to tell me any of this, were you? You were going to keep manipulating me. You just needed to keep tabs on me so I didn’t get caught up in whatever the fuck is going on.”

 It’s not a question, it’s a confirmation.

“That’s not true, of course I want you around. I love you, darling. You wanted to quit. I didn’t make you do anything you didn’t want to do. I just made it safer.” 

John sounds a little desperate, the sound grating and unnatural to your ears. 

“I don’t want to be alone at Christmas, John! I didn’t even know it was a possibility for you to be gone until minutes ago! Now you’re leaving on a mission and I’m what? Just supposed to sit here until you get back? That’s not love, you didn’t consider me at all. If you come back. Oh god.” 

You feel a sweep of nausea and grip your stomach, pitching forward at the waist in discomfort. 

“When I come back, the threat will be neutralized. Not doing all this for fucking maybes.”

“Alright, you know what - yeah you, you should go.” 

You suddenly agree, crossing your arms over your painfully twisted stomach. You can’t remember the last time you were this upset with him, it’s been literal years. John curses under his breath, unable or unwilling to argue with you. He’s immobile, watching you intently for any clue as to your head space. 

“Darling –“

 He’s using a careful tone of voice and reaches for you again but it makes you flinch.

“Don’t John. Just go do what you need to do. It’s fine.”

“It’s clearly not fine, darling.”

He retreats, hands on his hips, and you can feel his eyes locked on your face. 

“For the purposes of this conversation, it’s fine.”

There’s an excruciatingly long pause before John responds, his voice soft. You refuse to meet his gaze, staring at the spot the missing reindeer should be in. 

“We’ll talk when I get back, yeah?”

You don’t answer, giving no indication you’ve heard him. Your insides feel like glass, one sharp breath away from shattering. Trying to reconcile the man standing in front of you, who’s been purposely keeping things from you with the man you’re in love with who bends over backwards for you is taking more brain power than you can summon. You’ll be damned if you cry in front of a man who is actively manipulating you. Taking your cue from the ceramic deer lining the island, you freeze in place. 

John either gets the hint or gives up because he leaves you in the kitchen, breathing carefully in the corner of the cabinets. You barely dare to move, everything feeling surreal. You eventually tuck yourself into your spot on the couch, buried under the blanket when John returns, his rucksack slung over a shoulder. He drops it at the door and you track it’s fall, determined to look at something other than the concerned man boring holes into you with his eyes.  

“I don’t want to leave like this. Talk to me please, love.” 

“Don’t, John. This is what you chose.”

“I chose to keep you safe the best way I know how. I didn’t choose for this situation to crop up now, it’s beyond my control. I love you darling, I’m not –“

“You say you love me but you don’t trust me, John. You don’t want to tell me things because your scared of how I’ll react. It’s not fair. You’re making choices that affect me too but I’m not part of the conversation. I just…I’m really pissed with you right now. And I doubt you have time to sort it out.”

You stay tucked under the blanket, your eyes finally meeting John’s across the expanse of the room. You can tell your point lands when his shoulders deflate, his posture shifting. 

“You’re right, I don’t have time.” 

He agrees, crossing the room to stop in front of you. You have to crane your neck to keep your eyes on his face until he bends to kiss you. You realize his intention and turn, giving him your cheek instead of your lips. His palm strokes over your hair before he backs off with a heavy sigh, scooping up his rucksack again. 

“We’ll figure this out when I get back.” 

John gives you one last reluctant look before he closes the door behind him. You can hear the lock turn, and your heart lurches, the finality of the sound chilling.

You spend the rest of the night on the couch, alternating between drinking a bottle of John’s expensive white wine and crying until your face is raw and hurting. You only briefly consider sleeping in John’s big bed alone, the idea so thoroughly off-putting you reject it nearly as soon as it crosses your mind. If anyone had asked you how you pictured your evening ending, face down in the couch cushions, drunk and alone wouldn’t have crossed your mind as a possibility. 

Next Chapter

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@deadbranch @beebeechaos @cadotoast @syoddeye @writeforfandoms @itr-00 @chloepluto1306 @batw3nch

[dimepdf]

★  𝐌𝐀𝐉𝐎𝐑 𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐘 𝐅𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑. + 𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐍 𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐑

masterlist. / taglist. / any request? synopsis. Eren fucking hates babies, which is why he feels so confused sat the feeling he gets in his stomach seeing you with one.

─── ☆ notes. i blame tiktok for giving me the worst baby fever while also making me so digusted with them as well, i saw a tiktok where this mother was like "oh yeah i suck the snot out of my toddlers nose!" ??? . | — feedback is always welcomed & don't forget to reblog 🤍

─── ☆ length. 1.1k (10 min read) .

─── ☆ genre and warnings. domestic fluff | babies | babysitting | baby fever | readers niece | bluey slander | Eren lowkey wanting a kid | suggestive ending | this is all tiktoks fault.

Eren hates being around kids, especially the ones that scream and cry with their snotty noses and run around throwing tantrums just because they could get their way, type of toddlers, mostly just to be even more clear.

He excuses the hatred with him growing up an only child, coming from a small, close-knit family where he was the only baby raised around older relatives that had refused to plant their own roots so he wasn't left with many cousins around his age to interact with.

Eren's parents were the only ones to really expand their family tree when having him, which was why he was just so spoiled rotten with attention and gifts, and if there was one thing that Eren loved more than you, it was attention.

"Woah, when did you multiply?" was the second thing you heard, followed by the sound of your shared apartment door swinging open and the rustling of bags.

His arms were occupied with a huddle of grocery bags, all carried on his forearms. That last thing that your boyfriend expected to come home was the sight of you and your uninvited guest, your young niece, lounging together on the couch.

Eren didn't want to scoff and complain about how she was practically neglecting the 40-inch flat screen instead of cursing the screen with some cartoon with a blue fucking dog with an accent, using his surround system setup that he was plotting on coming home and ending his day by playing GTA on.

"Oh my bad baby, I forgot to text you." Taking your eyes off the show for only a quick minute to give him a small greeting smile from your comfortable looking spot on the couch.

Right next to the beaded haired little girl giggling and clapping her hands at whatever nonsense was playing out on the screen, "My sister had something to do today, so she just dropped the baby off for a bit."

Eren hummed in acknowledgement of your response while dropping the bags on the counter. Not really knowing what to say, he tried his best to hide the fleeting glances he would give from the kitchen every once in a while as he put away the food. 

Eren was convinced he was fighting some sort of demon after seeing you being all motherly with someone else's child. 

His thoughts spiraled about his lovely future with you, conflicting with the stupid smile he tried oh-so-hard to repress while opening cabinets at the thought of him coming back home to you and his own child one day.

Obsessed with how it would feel to swing open the front door and be greeted by his future loving wife while holding a little human who would call him dad.

Eren had been so caught up in his own fantasy world that he hadn't even noticed you walking up to him, standing right beside him with a questionable glance. Having called out his name so many times, you were down to using his full government, yet not even that would break him from his trance.

Instead, you wrapped your arms around his middle, hugging against his back, to finally catch his attention. "You okay, baby?" you chuckle, feeling his muscles tense for a split second before flinching back to reality with a drawn-out sigh.

"Yeah, you know, just thinking about shit—stuff," he mutters, caressing the arm you had slung around his torso with the brush of his thumb, as he tried to figure out just what was going on in his mind. "Just seeing you around babies and stuff, it kinda just fucks with me a bit, I guess."

It was as if the child could feel eyes on her, taking a break from sucking on her finger to turn and stare bug-eyed at you two all snuggled up in the kitchen. Watching her struggle a little to slide off the couch and waddle over to him was just another heart throbbing scene.

He almost clenched his imaginary pearls too. "I think she wants you to pick her up." you laugh, both glancing down at the toddler that just stood there looking up with her arms reached up as if she were stuck in place.

"Oh," Eren hesitated for a moment, his glance shifting from you to her almost as if he were second guessing whether it was really okay to pick her up.

He first wiped his sweaty hands against his jeans, then reached down and lifted her up by her sides as gently as if she were some glass doll.

Eren had first handled her outstretched in his hold, as if he were presenting the child to someone in front of him. "Uh hello…" He muttered, almost melting at the smile that spreads across the little girl's face as she shyly tucked herself into his chest, muttering something close to a greeting reply.

"Not you charming the entire family tree." You teased him from beside, smiling at the adorable exchange.

The day continues on without much issue, you were able to actually get some rest with the little girl actually attached to Eren’s side for the entirety of the night.

The little girl even convinced him into watching some more toddler cartoons alongside her, having Eren wrapped around her small little finger as he nodded his head at whatever nonsense baby blabber would come from her mouth.

Spending the time together drained whatever childlike energy the kid had left in her. Once you had given her a bath and given Eren a much-needed lesson on how diapers work, the little girl was out like a light the moment her head hit the pillow.

Leaving you and Eren with a bit of a cautious peace period alone in the living room, you two were able to finally enjoy each other's silent company.

"You're not as bad with kids as I thought you’d be," you said in a quiet, gentle tone while snuggling by Eren’s side, not wanting to make much noise despite being a whole room and hallway away from the sleeping baby.

Eren’s face scrunched slightly in a slight teasing appearance of offense, but he quickly glanced off in the direction of the baby in a trance of his thoughts.

"I would be cool with a lot more of them if they didn't shit and cry all the damn time." He shrugs honestly, not wanting it to show that his baby fever alarms were blaring at full volume as his hands traced over the exposed part of your stomach that peeked from your shirt.

"Would you... like to have kids?" He was finally done tiptoeing over the big question, the hitch in his breath telling you all you need to know about how nervous he was about even suggesting getting you pregnant.

"I mean, yeah," you answered a little too simply, "babies are cute." And then quickly followed the look—the dark puppy pouty eyes staring back at you were all too telling as to what his true motivation behind the question was. 

"Eren." 

"We could always practice too!"

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[ch0k3herwithaseaview]

@jegulus-microfic | march 21 support | words: 976

hiiii so i had the worst fucking time at work lately and i felt like i needed to disappear and wondered why i was a public enemy number 1. so to make myself feel better i wrote this (yes, you guessed- james is me; reg is my therapist 🤠). do i feel better? not really. do i hope someone else with similar feelings will find comfort in this? absolutely.

tw: anxiety, self hatred, everyone is mean

James lay on the carpet and looked up at the fluorescent stars on the ceiling. He was having a shitty day; he started it with a huge smile on his face, but as he walked into the coffee shop he always passed on his way to work, the barista looked at him like he had just killed their pet. Maybe they're having a bad day, he thought.

So he ordered his coffee, waited until the order was ready, and watched the barista. They served another customer with a radiant smile on their faces. Well, maybe they just don't like me.

The thought made him lose his spark a little, but as he grabbed the paper cup and left with a cheery see you tomorrow, he plastered that bright smile back on his face.

It hasn’t stayed there for a long time. While waiting for the light to turn green, he looked at the girl holding her mother's hand and winked at her. The woman at her side must have read it wrong, because she frowned at him and led the girl as far away from him as the other people would let them. Yeah, she didn’t get it right; I was just trying to be friendly, not creepy.

As the day went by, there were similar situations waiting for him at every corner: his boss walked to the break room while James was making tea and gave him a nasty look; his colleagues didn't say a word to him all day, apart from polite greetings. James needed help with some paperwork and asked Carolina from accounting about it. She just huffed and took the papers with an eye roll.

He didn’t get it—what was he doing wrong? He was nice as ever, smiling at everyone and trying not to get in anyone’s way, yet still, each person with whom he interacted that day seemed to hate him.

Even Sirius seemed angry with him when, after being asked if he wanted to come over and watch today’s game, the long-haired man replied i can’t.

By 4:00, when he finished work, there was a purple spot on his hand where he was pinching himself to get his mind off of the whole everyone-hates-me thing. He walked out of the building, saying his goodbyes with a small smile and sad eyes that no one seemed to notice. He walked the five blocks from work to his flat, looking down, deep in thought.

What did I do? Are they mad at me for taking that sick leave last week? I didn’t even know they needed my help so much; I shouldn’t have done that. Was I rude to that barista the last time I went there? And Sirius? He’s never like this; I had to muck something up.

The spiral went on and on until James realised he was at the entrance to the building he lived in. And now he’s here, lying on the floor, looking at the stars he and Regulus put up there so long ago. James wondered if his boyfriend would also be mad at him.

He didn’t know how much time has passed before he heard a key turning and the door creaking. He still lay on the carpet when Regulus shouted, “Hi, baby! How was your day?”

“Good, I guess,” James replied robotically. As the younger man walked into the room, he heard a sigh and quick steps, and suddenly Regulus was looking down at him with a face James couldn’t exactly read from this perspective. “Am I a bad person, Reggie?”

His boyfriend crouched next to him, putting his fingers in James’ hair. That was the first thing today that didn’t make him feel like a piece of garbage.

“Que s'est-il passé chéri?” James has heard this question so many times for the last six years that he didn’t need translation, so he just started rumbling about everything that happened and everything he felt.

The longer he talked, the harder it was to hold back the tears in his eyes. When the first rolled down his cheek, Regulus laid down next to him, taking his face into his hand and caressing it gently with a thumb.

“You’re not a bad person, mon rayon de soleil,” Reg whispered to James, looking straight into his eyes with so much adoration and honesty that it made him cry harder.

They stayed on the floor, with James crying quietly and Regulus cradling his face. It took another eternity for the older man to calm down, but when he finally did, he sat up, rubbing at his eyes. Regulus stood up, extending his hand to help James up and putting his arm around the other’s waist for support. James felt sour after so much time spent in one position, so it actually was easier to walk like this.

Regulus sat him down on a couch and went to the kitchen to make them tea and pasta al pesto. Moments later, he was back at James side. They ate in peaceful silence, yet James' brain was still racing. Regulus must’ve noticed it, because he put their dishes on the coffee table and pulled James to his chest.

“Baby, you could start a cult,” he started into the crown of James’ head, “and you would still be better than anyone else. Even if you did something wrong, you would immediately try to fix it, and this is not a bad-person trait. You did nothing to piss all those people off; it was just an unlucky coincidence. They all had a bad day today, and apparently instead of dealing with it in a mature way, they decided to act like a bunch of kids. It’s not your fault. You’re not a bad person,” Regulus repeated the words like a thousand times.

James still had his doubts.

But James felt better.

translation: Que s'est-il passé chéri? -> What happened, darling?

[anxietycroissant]

So this has stalled but in case anyone else lets stuff slip through the cracks like I do on Ao3, here’s the first chapter of my (so-far) #sydcarmy rambling story that never gets to the point. It’s four chapters so far and I’m hoping this will motivate me to keep it going.

It takes place immediately post season 2 as Carmy gets busted out of the walk-in. It’s a bit feel-good so far but that is unlikely to continue without a few bumps in the road. Enjoy! If you’re lazy I’ve literally pasted the entire first chapter into this post like an absolute champ.

Chapter 1: Mister Freeze

Late night after Friends and Family

The Bear BOH, Chicago, IL

Syd entered the kitchen quietly from the door that led outside, wiping her dry lips with the back of one shaking hand. They had actually pulled off the night, even with Carmy stuck in the walk-in. She pulled her eyes shut as she felt a low swooping sensation in her stomach as the memory of her coming so close to giving up while doing expo flashed in her mind. She never thought she’d be so thankful to Richie. He completely saved her ass. She had wanted to thank him profusely at the end of the night, but he was nowhere to be found as Tony (or was it Terry?), the fridge guy, was breaking Carmy out of the walk-in. Her fingers had begun to haltingly compose a text to Richie to see where the fuck he was, but she figured that she’d save this big conversation for another day. Her gratitude was too big for WhatsApp and that’s just how it was. Plus, what in the actual hell was making her phone so greasy? Olive oil?

Richie unexpectedly saved the day… what the fuck was that? A smile edged up the corners of her mouth until her face ached. It was funny how much she needed to remember that sometimes people can still surprise you in the best ways. She frowned, as a cousin of that thought entered her mind. People can also let you the fuck down.

Carmy was her partner, and she valued his experience and opinion above almost everything. But he really lost himself. It wasn’t so much that he broke his promise to her that he wouldn’t let her drown. It was more that he just totally broke down. She’d never known somebody who could be both so brilliant and yet so unable to cope when things got tough. Everyone had tried to talk him out of his anxiety spiral, but nothing anyone said had done any good in the end. The only person who could help Carmy was Carmy, and that sure as shit didn’t happen.

She had heard bits and pieces of things he had said to Tina from inside the walk-in as she zoomed around the kitchen trying to get things done. She didn’t find out the whole story until later. After the last tickets of the night came through and the stress level of the kitchen started to even out, she realized that until that moment she had forgotten all about Carmy. That’s the thing about working at such a high level: it’s good and bad to focus so completely on something that you totally forget any and everything else.

The moment her thoughts circles back to Carmy, she stopped checking up on everyone and walked back towards the walk-in. The familiar scent of clean, hot dishes and the lingering odor of hot oil hit her as she shuffled tiredly away. She saw the back of Nat's blonde head and could almost physically feel the worry she was directing towards the metal door of the walk-in. Nat must have felt Syd watching her and whispered, “I keep wondering why this is taking so long! Pete keeps circling the block in the car waiting for me. I just want to see if Carmy’s okay, but every time I try to talk to him through the door he won’t say anything. He’s being such a little bitch right now!” She sounded equal parts worried and disgruntled, like always. Syd smiled and cracked a yawn. “You go ahead, Nat. I promise I’ll check up on Carmy and get him home safe. You and Pete head home and rest up. You were amazing tonight, but you look a little bit like…,” her face froze as she saw Natalie’s raised eyebrows. ”Yeah. Um, what I actually meant to say was that I’ve like, got this. Yeah,” she fumbled awkwardly.

Nat just nodded, not even hearing that Syd had basically tiptoed really close to telling her that she looked like hammered shit. “Thanks, Syd. I don’t know what any of us would do without you. Text me if you need anything or if I should come back, OK? And let me know what he says, yeah? And this is a big ask, but… can you see if you can get him to eat something?” Nat rubbed her eyes, causing her mascara to smear ever so slightly. Syd wondered what her own mascara was doing at that moment. “And oh yeah,” Nat spat out with venom, “It would also be great if you could calm him the fuck down and get him to stop getting in his own freaking way all the time.” She did have the decency to grimace in apology after that last bit. Syd cocked her head to the side, already feeling defeated. “Should I be like, taking notes, Nat? Or is that all?” Nat let out a harsh laugh and squeezed Syd’s shoulder, practically racing out the door. ‘Fuck,’ thought Sydney , ‘She’s leaving before I can change my damn mind.’

Syd leaned her back against the wall, and slowly sank to the floor to wait for Carmy to get out. She waited a few minutes longer before the guy whose name probably began with a T finished with the door. Before he opened the door, he said, “Hey, no offense, Syd… but can I get paid before I open this door? Carm has been saying some weird shit and I just want to get the hell out of here.” Syd nodded distractedly, running a hand along her braids. She reminded him just to bill them. She was not going to call Nat back in right now to ask what the new process for paying contractors was. And honestly, she wasn’t dying to know how much money it was going to set them back to have this emergency work done. Mystery Man just shrugged, his gesture seeming to mean that he didn’t trust her promises but that he was too tired to care. “Thanks so much for helping, have a great night!” Syd called out as Terry or Tim or Tony made a beeline for the exit.

‘Well, shit’ , Syd thought. 'He didn’t even open the door all the way.' She hoped she could. As she pushed, the door swung cleanly on its hinges until it was all the way open. She stepped in, the cool air a welcome change from the warm kitchen against her flushed skin. Carmy was just sitting there staring at the floor, seemingly unaware that he was free. With his arms wrapped around himself, he had his head down in between his knees. His blonde curls obscured his eyes, so she couldn't tell what he was thinking. Syd let herself sink down next to him. She cautiously put an arm around him and wrapped her palm around his shoulder. The cold of his shoulder reached up and bit her. He tensed up immediately but relaxed a bit when he realized it was her arm and not someone else’s.

“Syd,” he whispered hoarsely, “I’m so sorry, Chef. I’m so, so sorry.” He either didn’t have the energy or the will to look at her. “I broke my promise to you already.�� He seemed so bereft, so adrift, that Syd couldn’t even voice her anger or disappointment at that moment. “Carmy,” she said softly, “Let’s get you out of here and then talk about it.” She kept her arm around his freezing shoulder but got onto her knees so she could leverage her weight to help him stand up. She thought he would put up more of a fight, but he got up willingly enough. She dragged him over to his locker and then helped him into his wool jacket, and had to physically pull his feet out of his Birkenstocks and put them into his sneakers. It was a bit worrying, the way he was accepting her help without question. She got her bag out and changed her own clothes and shoes, and then they walked out to his car. He just stood there, so she told him she was driving him home. He didn’t argue, didn't smoke a cigarette, didn't give her shit. It all kind of worried her.

The atmosphere in the car was tense and quiet as soon as the doors shut. Syd turned on the radio to fill the silence. She was thankful that at least they weren’t listening to any of his fucking depressing music. Syd, under the guise of running a hand through her hair to tuck a loose braid behind her ear, was really sneaking multiple sidelong glances at Carmy as she drove to his place. To his credit, he wasn’t giving anything away. His blue eyes just stared straight ahead, devoid of any emotion. She kept hoping she could think of something to say, but her brain was maxed out. Also, she was pretty sure there was trash or something under the gas pedal, and she needed to focus on not killing them in a fiery car crash. Carmy started mumbling something as they approached his neighborhood, apparently to himself. Syd sighed and eventually found parking underneath a tree by his building.

Even later that night

Carmy’s apartment

The two of them slowly walked up many, many stairs to his apartment. Syd figured that this was the only way left to find a decent apartment in Chicago; find something on the hundredth floor with no elevator. She twisted the key in the lock and opened his door. They both stumbled inside. Carmy waved at her as he slowly slurred, “Thanks, Syd. Go home and get some sleep. You killed it tonight.” She gave him a half smile and nodded. But as she started to turn around and head for the door, something didn’t quite feel right. She whipped her head back around and caught Carmy shivering. He had apparently waited to fall apart until after she left. “Carm, what the fuck? Why didn’t you tell me you were so cold? We had the heat on high the whole way here,” Syd huffed, losing what little patience she had left. “We could have saved time going to the ER!” At that thought, Carmy really looked at her. And he looked scared. “Syd, please,” he whispered, “No doctors, okay? I just can’t. I’m so tired and those places freak me the fuck out.”

“All right, Carm, but I can’t leave you alone- and we’ve got to get you warm.” He just looked at her, utterly spent and waiting on her next move. “Shit,” she thought. Maybe he has mild hypothermia? Is that a thing? Can you be just a little bit frozen? She Googled it and it was a thing. She also Googled if spiraling makes hypothermia worse, but the only thing that Google advised against was hot baths. Not super helpful, but good to know? She was torn between calling an ambulance and trying to fix him herself. If she was being honest, she didn’t have the energy to convince Carmy to willingly leave in an ambulance. And she certainly didn’t have the capacity right now to get him down those stairs on her own. She sighed and decided to put the kettle on. His depressing apartment wasn’t helping either.

“OK, Carm, let’s get you into something warmer,” she said dully. He just stood there, so she slipped into his bedroom. Pulling open drawers that barely slid open, she found some sweatpants that somehow looked like normal sweatpants but also like an artisan had handcrafted them in a long-forgotten Italian village. As she ran her hands across the expensive fabric, she wondered where he shopped. And when did he shop? Did he secretly have a massive online shopping addiction, or did he spend every day off buying expensive as fuck sweatpants and obscure white t-shirts? After grabbing the sweatpants, she found a thick, long-sleeved tee. She also grabbed some boxers and thick socks.

As she padded back to Carmen, she saw that he was shivering more than ever. “Arms up, dude,” she said sternly. He put them up without a fight, although they shook slightly. She pulled up his shirt, catching her knuckles on his chest as she did. His skin felt like ice. ‘Shit,’ she thought. New clothes weren’t going to be enough. She slid the new shirt over his head anyway and helped him pull his arms through the sleeves. She tried not to stare at his body while he was in this vulnerable state, but it was an exercise in control. Because all of his muscles were on full display less than a couple of centimeters away from her eyes. If she had had more time, she’d have taken a mental inventory of a few new-to-her tattoos. Her face felt hot all of a sudden and she shook her head to stay on task.

He managed to get his shit together for a second and changed his pants and boxers in his bathroom with the door (halfway?) closed. He was taking too long, so she pushed the door open and pulled him back out. She gave him a long look, sighing. She didn’t like what she saw. A wax version of a person stood in front of her, without substance or colour. Maybe it was just her, but he looked even paler than usual. His skin normally had a golden undertone with a blush of red ready to rise up just underneath the surface of his skin. Not that Syd had perfectly cataloged the colors of his skin in her memory or anything. Because that would be a new level of weirdness. Just then the tea kettle began to whistle. Sydney took some dusty mugs down from his cabinet and some even dustier tea bags, making tea for them both.

She dragged Carmy to sit down on the edge of his bed and handed him the scalding hot cup of tea. He looked at it, then at her, and then back at the tea again. “Syd,” he trailed off. “I’m fucking cold.” Syd looked up at the ceiling. Why did this shit always happen to her? How did she find herself in these situations? She felt like she was in a really random episode of a TV show with endless seasons, like Grey's Anatomy. This scenario had played out at least a time or two on that series, she thought to herself.

She gestured to Carmy to take off his shirt. “It’s either that or we go to the hospital,” she warned, as he looked at her in disbelief. “We have to get you warmed up somehow, and I’m afraid to put you in the shower when you’re this cold. If you fall and pass out, I don’t think I can pick you back up. I know we’re the same height, but fuck, dude, I don’t work out!” He let her come closer and take his shirt off. The collar got stuck on his nose for a second, and Syd heard a high laugh escape from her mouth. “Cool, super cool,” Syd thought. “Real chill.”

She gently pushed Carmy down onto his pillow and then laid down beside him. She pulled the covers over them both and wrapped her arms gently around his body. His eyes were tightly shut, and his shivering shook them both. “Syd… I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this,” he whispered through chattering teeth. “Hey,” Syd whispered excitedly, “you said two whole sentences! That’s more than you’ve said in the last hour!” Her grin faded as she saw the misery etched on Carmy’s face. His body felt tense like he would bolt if he could. Did he really hate this so much, or was he simply ashamed to be so weak in front of her ?

“Hey, Carm, it’s just me. You can relax, let’s just... You know? Get you warm, ok? You’re totally fine. We’re just cuddling, right? Nothing scary is happening. It’s just me.” But then a sudden realization hit her. “Oh fuck,” she thought, cringing inwardly. He has a girlfriend. Who is an ER doctor? Of course he’s tense. “Carm, should I call Claire? I’m sure you’d much rather her do this, right? Especially since she’s a… fuck… I don’t know? Actual doctor who knows what she’s doing? I can’t believe I’m such an idiot! I’m so sorry!” But Carmy just shook his head, pressing it into her shoulder. He was mumbling, but his voice sounded much clearer than it had just a little while ago. “So Claire kind of heard me say some shit while I was locked in the walk-in. Yeah, I thought I was talking to Tina, but I guess Tina left? And I’m paraphrasing but I am pretty sure I told her she wasn’t worth all of this time? Pretty sure we’re broken up. So. Yeah. Please don’t fucking call her, Syd.” Carmy dragged his hands through his hair, which at this point made little to no difference. His hair was already wild after his jaunt in the walk-in.

Syd didn’t know what to say, because she had never known how to feel about Claire in the first place. Claire was fine? Perfect on paper, but not for Carmy. “Syd?” Carmy had apparently asked her a question. “Sorry,” Syd replied, “Are you okay? Uh.. fuck, you’ve had a bad night. I guess you were under a lot of pressure though. If you say you’re sorry and you didn’t mean it, I’m sure she’ll understand.” Syd believed this to be true while wanting it not to be true at the same time. She had that odd feeling of missing a step while walking down the stairs deep in her belly.

Carmy’s nose felt like ice against where it was wedged against her shoulder. “Look, I feel bad about how I said it, but I’m also relieved.” She could feel him smile slightly, the first bit of life she’d seen from him since the walk-in had been cut open. “I always really liked her, you know? And when we started hanging out, it was cool. But she got to see me when I was ok. I don’t think she ever saw that side of me, where I get angry or anxious or throw up or just guzzle Tums. For a while, I thought it was fine. But it’s not. And she reminds me of being a little kid. And like of how I was in high school. And that’s not her fault, I know. But I can’t be with her.” He sighed. “I’m not explaining it well at all, I know. But I’m glad it’s you here and not anyone else. I don’t think I could take it.” Sydney nodded, understanding immediately. “I get it,” she murmured softly.

She looked down and saw that her hand was lightly rubbing his back. His very naked, very muscular back. She felt the heat radiate from her cheeks, down through her arms and legs, and into the sheets. She was very, very thankful that Carmy was still out of it. Too out of it to notice that she was losing her damn mind. As her hands slowly rubbed up and down, she felt Carmy’s muscles relax bit by bit. He even felt a bit warmer now. Still fucking cold, but she didn’t think he needed the hospital anymore. He felt like he’d just come in from playing in the snow. The mental image of Carmy as a boy, coming inside from building a snowman, appeared in her mind’s eye. She had to bite down a smile.

“What?” whispered Carmy softly. “What made you smile just now? Where did you go?” Syd just shook her head. “It’s too embarrassing,” she admitted. “I’m sure it’s definitely more fucking embarrassing than what I’ve experienced tonight,” he deadpanned. She chuckled as he cracked a grin. “I was just thinking that now you don’t feel like ice anymore, and then I thought that now you feel like you’re just cold from playing outside. Like kids do after it snows.” Carmy pulled back to look at her. “Do you think we’d have been friends if we’d known each other back then?” he asked. “I don’t know,” answered Syd truthfully, staring up at the ceiling. “I was a major nerd. And I was also a lot younger than you. Four years was a big difference back then. That’s like ten years in kid years.”

Carmy stared at her. “Four years isn’t much anymore, though,” he breathed. ‘Fuck,’ thought Sydney desperately. ‘Don’t look at me like that with those eyes.” He scrunched up his blue eyes. “What do you mean?” He asked. “Oh, fuck. Did I say that out loud?” She laughed nervously. “Syd,” he stared at her as he shifted a bit closer to her. “What do you mean?” he repeated softly. There was no judgment in his eyes. He just wanted to understand.

“Jesus Christ, Carmy, you have to know that your blue eyes are enough to stop traffic. People in small villages would probably have a parade to celebrate that shit.” She shut her eyes tight and waited him out. She slowly opened one eye. Yep, still staring at her. He was smiling at her sadly. “I don’t think anyone is gonna throw a parade for me any time soon, “he replied. “But they definitely would for you.” She wrinkled up her face as though she had swallowed a mouthful of vinegar.

“Syd, you’re worse at taking a compliment than I am, fuck. You don’t see it, but you’re everything. Everyone loves you, you’re incredibly talented, and you- yeah, you’re just everything,” he sighed. “I don’t deserve you,” he says as he pushed a stray braid out of her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Syd,” he repeated.

Syd suddenly couldn’t think of anything to say, and her mouth was dry. As Carmy gazed into her eyes, she felt herself on the edge of something, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to go over. Trying to hang onto some semblance of normalcy, she squeezed his shoulder in reply. Carmy, whose arms had until now been resting at his sides, reached up to wrap an arm around her waist. She felt her skin warm at his touch, which was weird, right? The heat wasn't coming from his body; that was for sure. Was she freaking out? Was she breathing weirdly? Could he tell? Oh God. He seemed so calm, and she was losing her mind. Apparently not noticing her awkwardness, Carmy moved closer. She could feel his soft curls touching her cheek. She could feel his chest pressed into hers, soft and reassuring. He even smelled? Cold, somehow?

“Syd? This is really nice,” he whispered, stroking her back. “Carmy, why does your breath smell like spices?” Sydney couldn’t help but giggle. Carmy should smell like cigarettes and soap, and she finds the difference strange. “I was hitting the walk-in door, you know?” Carmy said softly, “And I accidentally knocked over a container of cloves. Luckily it was almost empty, but I got a fucking mouthful. It was intense.” He was staring at her again. She felt the places where his fingers touched her burn with electricity.

“I like cloves,” Syd said stupidly. Her cheeks started burning, and she groaned. “Don’t listen to me,” she murmured. “I’m fucking delirious.” She chanced another look at Carmy. Yep, still staring. “Syd,” he said quietly. “Look at me.” She forced herself to meet his gaze. She caught him looking at her mouth. He quickly looked up and had the decency to apologize with a look. He slowly brought a hand up to her cheek, feeling her soft skin. “Do you- can I-“ his words were cut off as Sydney suddenly sat straight up in his bed, causing his arms to fall away from her. “Carmy,” Syd breathed, “I.. I just can’t. I don’t know how to do this. After everything tonight- and Claire- and you probably had hypothermia just now- it’s a lot.” Carmy squeezed her hand in understanding. “Syd, I get it. I’m sorry. I should not have put you in this position tonight.”

Syd smiled sadly, her dark eyes wide. “But Carmy? I liked this. You know, except for the part where I had to basically carry you up the stairs. And the whole me worrying about you having hypothermia part? So ok now that I’m hearing myself a lot of it actually sucked? But also I got to see at least 17 tattoos I’ve never seen before, and I’m also not saying no, OK? I just think we need some time.” She got up then to stop vomiting out words. Carmy rolled out of bed too, swaying slightly as he stood. He put his arms around her in a tight hug. She leaned her slender body into him for a second, forgetting everything she’d just said. “Text me when you’re home safe?” he asked. His eyes smoldered. Syd was pretty sure she had never smoldered at anyone. “Yeah,” Sydney said unevenly. She somehow turned around and walked to the door without passing out. As she closed the door, she saw him, still staring at her. And “Jesus Christ, fuck me,” she thought. “Those abs. Will I see those abs again?”

As she walked towards the train, she looked at her phone and saw several messages and missed calls from Nat, each one more frantic than the last. She called her immediately, explaining that she had stayed with Carmy until he warmed up. She mentioned making the tea and helping him change his clothes, but she left out the rest. Natalie thanked her profusely before hanging up. Eyebrows raised, Syd threw her hands up as she walked. Being a human was so confusing sometimes.

[carmenized-onions]

I’m speechless (I have so much to say)

Your mind?! Your skills?!

I totally forgot that the fucking iconic freezer fight never happened in the first chapter because Tony/Inky/Chip/Best Repairwoman To Ever Live/ Baddest Bitch To Ever Exist/ etc got there just in time, so to see it HERE??? So fucking satisfying. It’s like a train wreck you can’t look away from and you managed to completely recreate that scene, only now it’s Tony’s heart breaking instead of Claire’s 😔

I also love the fact that it was the “You’re fucking nothing!” line that prompted Tony to intervene. The same thing Lee said to Michael 💔 (Fuck that guy)

And your characterization of Tony is honesty my favorite because it’s like Carmen says, she defends herself without being mean (even though he deserves to be locked in the freezer again AND the office just for good measure) and THAT makes Carmen’s words all the more vicious because she knows he’s spiraling about something, she’s trying to be compassionate, she’s trying her damn hardest to believe that he doesn’t mean it, but then he delivers the final blow to an open wound and yeah…he must mean it

Also, Richie ready to throw down with Carmen after he made Tony cry??? Sydney immediately comforting her??? Both them AND the staff ready to WALK??? Sweeps not knowing what the fuck is going on during his smoke break??? I love them all 💕

“No. Richie’s got it. You’ve gotta keep your kitchen in order.” The way I would say the same shit just to be petty 😊

Also, the Exec asking for her number??? ew

Jump scare fr, didn’t see that coming at all 😂

Carmen’s gonna have an aneurysm when he reads that

The parking lot scene between Tony and Richie was so cathartic. They grieved Michael’s death separately for so long, blaming themselves, and now they can grieve together 🥺

I once again fully support Tony’s decision to let the stray fur ball eat Carmen’s flowers AND to leave the black plate out to fend for itself 😊

And FINALLY, “I know you said I’d be a perfect match for your little brother…” I’m SOBBING. Carmen was out here thinking that Michael and Tony were a thing when all along his older brother was trying to play matchmaker 💔

I’m gonna need about 5 business days to recover

I’m also gonna be very disappointed when season 3 drops next week and I don’t see Chip pop up within the first couple of seconds. Like THIS is season 3. It’s canon. 💜💜💜

I feel bad not responding in order but I have to start with the end. Can I be so fr. Me too. LMAO. I HAVE R O T T E D MY BRAIN. I HAVE RUINED THE BEAR FOR MYSELF LMAOOOO. I'm gonna be watching in 6 fucking days going,,,, but,,, but toneee???? but chipp??? where chip!!?!?!?!!

So I'm glad other people also think this. Delights me. I am hoping that a bunch of plot points I did still happen in season 3, because some of writing this has genuinely been either me guessing or just wanting a fun thing to happen in S3 (I.e I think wedding catering ep would genuinely be so fucking fun. like terrible. but so fun)

ANYWAYYYSSSS Back to this chapter's thoughts.

Thank you sm for having sm to say because I love to hear it-- An analysis??? ooohhfhsdfhksdjfh i could. i could maybe die. Fuckin love when people DIG IN!!!

I don't remember if I always planned for this fight to lead with the freezer fight, but I do remember seeing like a gifset of the freezer fight, and going oh I can't just let this all go unsaid. It would be AN INJUSTICE to Carm/Rich to not let that air out. You gotta level a building to rebuild. And there's just something I think on like, a reader level/ me writing it of like-- Knowing when this was supposed to happen and where that really adds so much to reading it this time, because instead of a door between them it's fucking YOU!!! FUCK !!!!!!

YEEAAGGHHH!!!! (You will see why I cannot comment more on this point of Uncle Lee later. But Just know. YEEAHFKJDFHGKJDFHGFKJDFG!!!!!!!!!)

Every time people say they love Tony as a character, an angel gets it's wings. That's how it feels for me. But 100% it made that whole scene so much more brutal because she's trying to explain and trying to understand but that's simply not how any dynamic Carmen's ever been in has worked and so it's just making him wig out more. RAH!

The other thing, that I think is like, a golden rule in writing fights-- Or at least it's always been one for me-- The hardest hitting line will always be the one that the person hearing it thinks is true about themselves. Peoples princess? Sure. Don't work here? Ouch but okay. The one thing that haunts you every day that you blame yourself for and were just waiting for one person to affirm it for you? OH!!!! OH!!!! BABYYYYYYYYY!!!!

The aftermath with the kitchen was so tough for me to think out, because I was like-- I cannot have them fucking punch Carmen. Like we can't do that. But also like. Richie would do that. WOP WOP! But I eventually agreed with myself that he'd go with chewing him out BEFORE the punch, and thankfully Chip stopped him in time.

Syd was me, when my friends cry. The yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo-- came from an extremely real place. and that place is my mouth. I love The Bear and Tony's relationship, which is also what makes the I don't think anyone's my friend all the more heartbreaking, because everyone was on her side there. And she just cannot see that. SON OF A BITCH BROOOOO BROOOOO STOPPPPPP I'm the one writing it who am I telling to stop?

I-- With the petty line, bro,,,, I wanted to dig into hell so bad. I wanted to snatch that motherfucker's soul-- But I left it at your kitchen because it just wouldn't be in Tony's like,,,, energy? to do so?? Like she'd already been murdered at that point, so she couldn't turn on roast mode. my poor bird.

JUMP SCARE EXEC!!! There were actually surprise surprise whether you believe me or not, a lot of different ways his dinner could've went, and I'll probably share them in another ask down the line, but the one thing I felt pretty solid about is he would be into Tony. ew.

The parking lot scene really was everything for me tbh, I'd been waiting to write this chapter overall for some time, but that one like,,,, fuck i really adore these two and it's exactly like ya said, so very cathartic for them to finally get to be absolutely not over anything togetherrrr yknow?

And that's another vote for---Fuck it, poll,

As for Mikey Matchmaker,,,,, -- You know what, i'm gonna save this for after either the series is done or after chapter 13, pending. But remind me later that i need to tell you something about Mikey and ,,,,, fire???? Yeah. Tell me I need to tell you about that, after chapter 13 or so.

[dancersmirrorball]

Taylor Swift Midnights Sentence Starters

Tracks 1-4

"You don't really read into my melancholia."

"I've been under scrutiny, you handle it beautifully."

"I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say."

"They're bringing up my history, but you weren't even listening."

"Talk your talk and go viral, I just need this love spiral."

"Get it off your chest, get it off my desk."

"We lost track of time again."

"How'd we end up on the floor anyway?"

"I see you every day now."

"The lips I used to call home, so scarlet it was maroon."

"Ain't that the way, shit always ends?"

"I wake with your memory over me, that's a real fucking legacy to leave."

"All of the people, I've ghosted stand there in the room."

"I end up in crisis, tale as old as time."

"I wake up screaming from dreaming."

"I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror."

"One day I'll watch as you're leaving, and life will lose all of it's meaning."

"She's/he's/they're laughing up at us from hell."

"I saw flecks of what could've been lights, but it might just have been you passing by unbeknownst to me."

"Life is emotionally abusive."

"My flight was awful, thanks for asking."

"You wanting me tonight feels impossible."

"It's fine to fake it 'til you make it."

"I can't speak, afraid to jinx it."

Tracks 5-8"

"I play it cool with the best of them."

"It's ok we're the best of friends."

"You're on your own kid, you always have been."

"I gave my blood, sweat and tears for this."

"Everything you lose is a step you take."

"You've got no reason to be afraid."

"My town was a wasteland."

"But for some it was paradise."

"he/she/they wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain."

"I was making my own name, chasing that fame."

"All of me changed like midnight rain."

"I guess sometimes we all get some kind of haunted."

"Big city, wrong choices."

"You painted all my nights, a color I have searched for since."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room?"

"It was one drink, after another."

"That's nice I'm sure, that's what's suitable and right but tonight."

"Draw the cat eye sharp enough to kill a man."

"You did some bad things, but I'm the worst of them."

"They say looks can kill, and I might try."

"Lately I've been dressing for revenge."

"Picture me thick as thieves with your ex wife/husband/spouse."

"I'm on my vigilante shit again.

Tracks 9-12

"Didn't notice you walking all over my peace of mind, in the shoes I gave you as a present."

"Putting someone first only works, when you're in their top five."

"By the way, I'm going out tonight."

"I can still make the whole place shimmer."

"Sadness became my whole sky."

"A diamond's gotta shine."

"It only hurts this much right now."

"Breathe in, breathe deep, breathe through, breathe out."

"I'll be getting over you, my whole life."

"Oh no, I'm falling in love again."

"Lost in the labyrinth of my mind."

"You would break your back to make me break a smile."

"You're talking shit, for the hell of it."

"You're terrified to look down."

"It's coming back around."

"I keep my side of the street clean, you wouldn't know what I mean."

"Ask me what I've learned from all those years, ask me what I've earned from all those tears."

"Ask me why so many fade, but I'm still here."

"We almost forgot it."

"They said the end is coming, everyone's up to something."

"All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing."

"On the way home, I wrote a poem."

"You should be doing more."

"I'm just too soft for all of it."

Tracks 13-17

"You and I ended up in the same room, at the same time."

"Checkmate, I couldn't lose."

"What if I told you none of it was accidental?"

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

"No-one wanted to play with me as a little kid, so I've been scheming like a criminal ever since."

"This is the first time I've felt the need to confess."

"Spineless in my tomb of silence."

"Maybe it was egos swinging, maybe it was her/him/them."

"I vowed not to cry anymore."

"You said I have to trust more freely."

"Maybe it's the past that's talking, screaming from the crypt."

"It turned into something bigger, somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed."

"No words appear before me in the aftermath."

"Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness."

"Cause it's all over now, all out to sea."

"You were bigger than the whole sky."

"I've got a lot to live without."

"So I'll say words I don't believe."

"And all the outfits were terrible, 2003 unbearable."

"Did you see the photos?"

"No I didn't, but thanks though."

"I'm so in love that I might stop breathing."

"Like we were somewhere else."

"I wanna brainwash you into loving me forever."

"I didn't know you were keeping count."

"Put on your records and regret me."

"I bent the truth too far tonight."

"Do you really wanna know where I was April 29th?"

"Seemed like the right thing at the time."

"There's many different ways that you could kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough."

Tracks 18-20 + Hits Different & You're Losing Me

"We were supposed to be just friends."

"You don't live in my part of town, but maybe I'll see you out some weekend."

"I think there's been a glitch."

"Nights are so starry, blood moonlit."

"Must be counterfeit."

"I thought we had no chance, and that's romance."

"All I used to do was pray."

"And I damn sure never would have danced with the devil."

"The god's honest truth is that the pain was heaven."

"Memories feel like weapons."

"God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be."

"If clarity's in death then why won't this die?"

"If it feels like a trap, you're already in one."

"If you don't recognize yourself, that means you did it right."

"Never take advice from someone who's falling apart."

"When you aim at the devil, make sure you don't miss."

"So I wander through these nights, I prefer hiding in plain sight."

"You should find another guiding light."

"You made a mess of me."

Each bar plays our song, nothing has ever felt so wrong."

"Oh my, love is a lie; shit my friends say to get me by."

"Moving on was always easy for me to do."

"My sadness is contagious."

"Is it okay? Is it you? Or have they come to take me away?"

"We thought a cure would come through in time, now I fear it won't."

"Now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time."

"I'm getting tired even for a phoenix."

"I know my pain is such an imposition."

"I wouldn't marry me either, a pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her/him/them."

"I've got nothing to believe, unless you're choosing me."

[vaporwavedoggie]

Nnnnnng anyone with DID or CPTSD or schizoaffective wanna help me out bc I got questions and don’t know a lot of ppl with what I have

1. What do you do to help w memory issues?? What supplements can you take to help?? Or is this unavoidable

2. How do y’all switch on command like?? Usually something triggers me (negatively or positively) to switch and we just switch. Randomly.

3. How do you get out of brain fog from the antipsychotics?? (I take lamotrigine) Is this a sign I need to change the meds/dosage or would supplements also help with this??

4. What keeps you from going back into psychosis after being in it for a few months? (I was in it from Jan-April, went to the psych ward, got my meds readjusted, got some therapy and did and continue to do constant self help but I’m so terrified of spiraling as bad as I did again bc I almost did something permanent)

5. How do you deal with hallucinations? My hallucinations got VERY bad which is why I slipped into psychosis. Not getting into what happened here, I will if DMed about it, but it was horrific.

6. How do you deal with triggers and triggering intrusive thoughts??? I can’t. Be a functioning human being because of it. I can’t work a normal job that requires no thought and is repetitive or the thoughts slip into my head and I have a panic attack or break down. I’m currently a stay at home mom because of this. I have to be constantly doing something with my brain and stimulating myself in some way shape or form because if not, what I mentioned will happened. I need to provide for my kiddos and feel like I failure because I’m so broken and can’t fucking function like a normal person. I’m going to start going to college to earn my associates in graphic design because I hyper focus on my art and studies but I’m so afraid that it’ll be useless because I’ll fall into the same hole.

7. Do y’all know where I can find a cheap therapist or program that’ll help me get cheap/free therapy?? (I’m talking like $10-20) Every time I go meet up with a sliding scale therapist they refer me to a specialist that’s like $100-300 per sesh without insurance (can’t afford it atm) because they’re “not qualified” to talk about my specific issues.

Yeah that’s all the ones I can think of for now but if anyone can help me I’d greatly appreciate it. Not like I can talk to a therapist about this shit so I gotta turn to the fucking internet and air out my personal business publicly because I’m desperate for help ahahahhahahahahaha

[sihtricfedaraaahvicius]

personal rant/update under the cut

since about two weeks I'm taking less medication for my adhd. not because I want to, but because I was taking too much. I took a pill every two hours, and I continued that after I switched meds because it's same brand and basically the same dose too. But somehow I started to have unpleasant side effects like being dizzy and having terrible flare ups in my face. I've experienced the flares really badly during the a few moments at the Paris con, but I thought it was just nerves and excitement and what not. But it continued at the most random times when I was at home, doing fuck all, and I figured something was wrong. Apparently the flares are a sign of an overdose, so with a lot of struggling I cut down the amount I take and I have only experienced a flare up once the past two weeks, which is great. when I'm at work and at home moving around (read; not stuck in my head and actively moving without too much going on around me) I'm fine with taking less pills a day. But I am noticing in the evening that my lovely adhd demon is taking over again, and makes me feel like utter shit and question everything I do, especially when it comes to creativity. meaning; this blog. I love writing, but it's been hard lately as I struggle to make a good story (or so it seems to me) and even wonder if people still even care when it's not just a brainless smut fic, no matter how fun those are. and I knew a few of you do care, which is amazing, but these late night thoughts are gnawing and I am comparing my work to others and feeling I am not that good, or not that creative or I just have a bad way with words, whatever. I know it's all in my head, but this is the dark side of having adhd; the self hatred and self doubt. the knowing you are truly different and lacking some stuff up in the head. the wanting to cry for no reason at all because you're stuck in a body with something that is constantly fighting you and screaming at you to (self) sabotage everything in your life. and as much as I love poking fun at myself/my adhd, sometimes (often) it still eats me alive. and that is why I have been posting less lately, and I am sorry for that. I just fear people will hate every new thing I put out right now, for no reason at all. I know people will say don't be sorry, but that too is my adhd talking, so I had to say sorry. I do not need to take a break from here, as that will only make me spiral more. I write a lot, actually, and have a bunch of fics nearly ready to go, but I just hate half of what I wrote.

I'm not sure what the actual point of this post was but I guess this page is sometimes my diary too, so, uh... yeah. sorry again.

[therhythmafterthesummer]

I’ve read afraid to lose you a few times now and while I am a angst I guess you can call it enjoyer it made me so sad to read abt them arguing and her leaving him. I can’t even imagine how bad that first night without her there was like him pacing around or just staring at his phone wondering if he should call her 😭 I imagine his anger instantly kind of died as soon as she walked out the door

omg kjdhfskjdhf it even made me sad, and i knew what was going to happen😭 so i get it

you didn't ask for it, but here's how i think it all went down after she left the flat that night:

the second she stepped out of the flat Chris realised he Fucked Up. he Panicked and he wasn't really reasoning properly. now, every single one of his instincts were telling him to go look for his pretty girl and apologise.

but.... she asked for space before she left. there was no way he could just go out there and follow her without breaking her trust.

was he upset because of how she talked to him? yes. was he upset at himself for how he reacted to the entire thing? also yes.

for him, it was just so ridiculous that his girlfriend would want to turn. why would she even want to risk her life like that? did she not know how dangerous turning a human into a werewolf was? especially when she was already an adult.

he started pacing around, pulling at his hair, his heart heavy in his chest as he just replayed the encounter time and time again in his head.

Chris wasn't worried about the fact that she left. He knew were she would go. or he liked to think he knew... his best guess was that she'd try to go to her mum's, but how would she get there? she can't drive, it was past midnight.... would she stay at one of their packmate's flat?

as if on cue, someone was knocking at his door. there was a tiny spark of hope in him that it'd be her coming back, but he knew she wouldn't. there was no way she would. she asked for space, she couldn't stand to see him, she was gone.

he didn't answer. he just stared at the door. until he started hearing the beep beep beeps of the keypad and saw Changbin pop his head into the flat

"i know you gave me the code for emergencies... your girlfriend just knocked on my door, a whole crying mess. i figured this is an emergency"

oh, how that simple statement made his heart ache. his girl was crying. crying because of him. he was the Worst.

he suddenly felt angry. pissed. there was a bit of a back and forth between Chris and Changbin--it was mostly just Chris shoving Changbin around, trying to rile him up, because if Changbin got Angry, he'd Fight, and if he'd Fight, Chris could Forget, you know?

"Stop doing this! You know I'm stronger than you, I didn't come here to fight, idiot", Changbin holds Chris by the shoulders, trying to shake some sense into him, and Chris crumbled.

it all hurt so much. he hardly ever cried in front of his packmates, but it was just something he couldn't stop. so Changbin simply hugged him, gave him some reassuring pats on the back and caressed his hair a bit. "it'll be fine, Chris. I'm sure".

but what if it wasn't? what if his prettiest decided this was a breaking point for her? just the thought of it had Chris spiralling.

Changbin's phone vibrated in the pockets of his shorts. it was his spicy gingerbread telling him she was taking their pack mum to her mother's house now, which Changbin told Chris immediately.

somehow, knowing it was her taking his girl to her mum's house made him feel just the tiniest bit better. at least she wouldn't be in danger...

"do you...want me to say tonight?" Changbin asked Chris, and after a few moments of consideration, he just nodded, wiping his tears away, unable to keep Changbin's gaze at all.

"wolf snuggles?" Changbin asked again, and Chris nodded again.

they shifted into their wolf forms and curled up in a fluffy ball by the sofa (they couldn't lay on it, nor Chris' bed, they are just too big in their wolf forms).

they stayed like that for a while. every once in a while Chris would huff, or whine, and even snuggle closer to Changbin.

and in the end, he was grateful his friend came over. he wasn't really sure what would've been of him that night without Changbin.

the next day, he just glued himself to his phone, hoping his beloved would call. he'd wait for as long as necessary. for days if he had to...

[kamiversee]

okay, i breathed.

holy shit kami.

first of all, “a tinge of angst” is a MAJOR understatement. my heart was pounding, my head was reeling, and my knuckles were turning white from gripping my phone. YOU KILL ME, KAMI.

i always understood the Gojo delulu, but holy shit. i’m sure this isn’t the last time we’ll run into him, but the way that last kiss felt so permanent made my heart shatter. THIS MOTHERFUCKER SAID HE’D THINK ABOUT KIDNAPPING THE READER and you have the audacity to write him so well that i was okay with it for a brief moment so long as it meant that we’d still have him around 😭😭

that Sukuna passage was ominous from beginning to end 🥹 something is coming and i know i’m not ready for it. just talking to him gave me major anxiety again. it was like a reminder that while the list is over, the consequences of that list are still revealing itself. i’m overanalyzing that whole passage to see what it could be foreshadowing to. i have a few ideas, but every one of them is making me go crazy. oh my fucking god. while the Sukuna scenes have been so great, considering his relation to Choso i’m slightly going insane from the possibility (guarantee?) that Choso will find out about this. UGHHHHHHH

speaking of Choso… that motherfucker. Kami i don’t know if i mentioned it before, but i wasn’t a Choso girly before your fic came along. i never even watched JJK. to me, this is my JJK LMAO. but the amount of parallels from what the reader is currently experiencing with Choso with what Choso is now making the reader go through is karma not giving our girl a break 😭😭 if this ends up with Choso pulling a “there’s someone else” i think i’m going to bite off a piece of drywall 😭😭😭😭😭 CHOSO I’M ROOTING FOR YOU!! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!!!!

also you’re revealing red flags in me that i never realized before bc why was i jealous over Choso’s interaction with Yuki 🥲 it makes no sense bc like… Yuki is so fine. i’d usually be like “FORGET CHOSO, I WANT HER” (i’m still kinda like that hehe) but the fact that they’re hanging out makes me civisjndjdjcjdnfbdbvbennfjenf AAAAAA. like yeah, he has a point when he mentions how he’s not tied down in a relationship, but holy shit. Choso feels like the reader’s karma that she lowkey doesn’t deserve since the situation has been out of her hands from the beginning 😭 KAMIIIIIIIIII

the cliffhanger. i’m about to rip out my hair. KAMI PLEEEAAAAASE WHO?????? A CRUMB OF A HINT. JUST A CRUMB. THAT WAY I CAN AT LEAST HAVE AN IDEA OF WHO I’M GOING TO GO IN A SPIRAL OVER FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS. the fucking possibilities 😭😭 the thing that would kill me considering the mention of the nightclub proximity my brain was immediately like “oh god, Nanami???” but i was also like “hold on… Naoya…” but then i remembered that the reader met Naoya at a bar and not a nightclub (and he doesn’t seem like the type to be at a café 😭). KAMI YOU’RE DRIVING ME INSANE AND YOU HAVE ME JUMPIN TO ALL SORTS OF THEORIES AAAAAAAAA

- ☃️

Gotta be one of my fav anons fr, I seriously love these long rants sm😩😩

ALRIGHT LETS UNPACK

Hi my name is Kami & welcome to my podcast😉

Lol jkjk, honestly I didnt think the angst was tht bad?😭 There were no tearssss but I SUPPOSE I’ll change the warning😔

Guys Sukuna’s just a silly lil guy, I gotta include everyone again SOMEHOW before the story ends y’know😹

As for the Choso & Yuki situation…

ANYWAYS !!

Guys I promise the person tht she sees isn’t tht bad💀 well, it can be but uhhhhhh yeah lemme shut ip before I spoil everything😭

Like ik the cliffhanger is spooky bc like… it’s me writing it BUT BUT it’s nothing y’all needa worry abt fr

TRUST ME !! Do NOT trust me

[aceontheline]

Love is in Bloom (Mass x Florida: Pt 2)

C//W: Mass has a bad Panic Attack

Mass and Florida have gone on several more cutesy type dates at this point on in their relationship, and they were public. Everyone in the Statehouse knew they were going out and were proud of them... Well, almost everyone. But they paid no mind to the more "Bible Belt" type areas anyway. However, Mass was now faced with a feeling he was all too familiar with.

One morning, he saw Florida packing up for something and instinctively asked if he could come along to wherever he was going. Florida sighed and let Mass sit down next to him. Florida shook his head slowly.

"Gov says I need to attend some sort of 'Political Convention' with him. So, we'll probably be gone for a couple days" Florida said sadly.

Suddenly, he noticed Mass's demeanor change. He was shaky and less responsive. Florida tapped Mass on his shoulder, asking if he was okay. Mass nodded and excused himself to his room, practically bolting away as fast as he could. Mass slammed his door unintentionally, as he slid down, his back against the door. He felt sick to his stomach. What the fuck is going on... Oh wait.

----------------------------FLASHBACK--------------------------------

Mass was in a relationship with someone before Florida. The man barely seemed to care about him, putting off dates and all other activities in favor of working longer hours to get the bonuses and promotions he wanted. Mass knew he could change the guy if he just tried to mold himself to what he knew his then boyfriend would like. Thing is, Mass tried everything he could think of. His efforts seemed to be all for nothing, as his boyfriend would still ignore him.

Then, one day, Mass's then lover said that he needed to attend a meeting for a few days and that he would return soon. That he needed a bit of a break from Mass's frenetic nature.

"I'm only like this because you don't answer me for days at a time, then just show up at my door with flowers, thinkin' it'll be okay. It's not, Darren. You gotta do more than the bare minimum!" Mass exclaimed angrily, tears streaming down his face.

"Listen, maybe you can sort yourself out while I'm gone. When I get back, I expect better behavior from you. Maybe less like a psycho" Darren also yelled out, slamming the front door behind him.

Mass knew something that Darren didn't. For whatever reason, Darren didn't sign out of the computer they shared. Including Facebook. Mass felt a deep seeded anger and a sinking feeling like something was happening with Darren on this so called "trip". After reading through his messages, Mass was absolutely correct. He took screencaps of all the messages that were relevant and signed out of the Facebook account. He shut down the computer for now, looking at the messages he captured and printed out.

Mass also took screencaps and emailed them to himself, as well as everyone else relevant in their lives, excluding Darren himself. The message basically said:

"Darren isn't the man you think he is. We've been dating for almost 3 years, and I just see THIS today"

Several people already replied to him and said that Mass hadn't been the only victim, claiming some poor girl by the name of Casey was in his place at one point. Mass heard every little detail he needed to hear, packed all of his stuff, wrote Darren an angry letter with the screencap printouts attached. With that, Mass was gone.

-----------------------END OF FLASHBACK---------------------------

Mass was on the floor, practically spiraling out of control. His breaths became rapid and short, his vision blurred and his stomach felt like it was in knots. Damn it, another panic attack. He looked at himself in the mirror to try and help ground himself quickly. Taking a few deep breaths in and out, cycling through the "5 Senses" exercise to help him ground.

Almost nothing was working, so Mass just laid down on his bed. He had only been dating Florida for almost a few weeks now, so why was he so nervous about him cheating? Why was he expecting to see weird messages between him and Gov about secret meeting places or what they'd be doing with each other...

No, this isn't Darren. This is Florida. Darren was a piece of crap who didn't want to take accountability for his stupidity. Florida... Well, at least he was honest. Mass laid his head back against the wall close to his bed and took a few deep breaths. He opened his eyes... Florida! Shit! He saw Mass having a panic attack just now, didn't he?

"Hey hey, Mass..." Florida stepped a bit closer to Mass, within arms length. He held his hand out. Mass took it. "That's it. Stay with me, okay? Breathe in for 5, hold for 6, out for 5. Okay? Can you do that?" Florida asked.

Mass nodded. He breathed in for 5 seconds, held it for 6, and exhaled for 5 seconds. He felt a little lightheaded for a moment, then better again. Mass repeated the cycle of breaths while Florida held his hand and spoke words of affirmation to him. Once Mass was more calmed down, he just looked Florida dead in the eyes.

"Just promise me... This isn't some secret thing between you and Gov, is it?" Mass asked.

"What? Ew, no. Gov ain't my type anyway. Besides, I'm sure he likes someone else anyway. Wouldn't wanna mess around with all that" Florida replied.

That was... A surprisingly wholesome response from Florida. Mass felt reassured for the moment though. But even more, as Florida asked if Mass would like for him to call every day or so. Mass nodded. "That'd be incredible of you, thank you" Mass said.

Florida nodded happily, insisting that he and Mass spend the day together now before he has to go tomorrow morning with Gov. The two did just that: A nice walk in the park, a movie, a light lunch, some cuddling... Typical, cutesy couple stuff. Mass even fell asleep with Florida still in his arms. It was the first time he had gotten any good sleep in a while.

Florida had to leave the next day, but texted Mass once he and Gov arrived at the hotel they were staying at. They were in separate rooms anyway so there was no issue there, as Gov wanted a room to himself. Florida called after the first meeting at this "Convention" was over. They talked for all of an hour before Florida did his nightly routine and went to bed shortly after. Mass looked at the clock... 11:00 pm. Mass cuddled with a pillow, holding it as if it were Florida. He then realized... Mass snuck into Florida's room and took a clean tank top from his closet and rushed back to his own room.

"This'll just be for a few days. Until he's coming back. He won't notice it's gone" Mass reassured himself.

Mass snuck a quick whiff. Citrus, orange blossoms, and clean linens. He enjoyed it, throwing the tank top over the pillow and using it to cuddle with, pretending it was Florida. For now, this would suffice.

Previous: ( Here ) ; Next ( Here )

Masterpost: ( Here )

[triplexdoublex]

I think wats messing me up about this whole thing is that my parents are going through a very similar situation where my mom was the extremely toxic one who cheated, said some extremely horrible lies about my dad and all of that stuff, then they seperated, and my dad got very suicidal and me and my sis had to watch him just spiral down hill and then like a few months later right when he was getting better, my dad let her just walk right back in like nothing happened and she never saw wat she did wrong and coudint understand why everyone was so upset, and now literally won't face any of our family and is only happy when she's spending his money. And I'm not saying this for sympathy or anything but I'm saying this from experience it doesn't matter how old the kid is when they have to sit there and watch their dad become suicidal and depressed over a women (doesn't matter if they are ur real mom, step mom, cousin, aunt, grandmother idc) but if ur kids watches u become suicidal over a women it not only breaks something inside of them but it makes them become extremely angry and not trusting to that said women. And him staying in this very openly toxic very public relationship is very damaging to Casie and I can almost garentee Casie despises Megan and is just waiting for her to leave/mess up again and I can also almost garentee she isint facing his family (the crew) anytime soon. Hell he's already trying to hide it from his other family (est) so I can only imagine how the crew feels about this

TW// domestic violence, blood, death threats, guns

I’m so sorry you had to go through that I unfortunately know exactly how you and Casie must feel. Growing up my step mother was extremely jealous, abusive and manipulative towards my dad even before they got married and it destroyed my relationship with him. She would take off her rings and have me hold them while she went and beat my dad up over the stupidest things like glancing at the Victoria Secret poster ads in the store window while walking by at the mall, she even once accused him of checking ME out that’s how crazy and jealous she was. One time he hurt his back at work and she accused him of “walking like he just had sex” and broke a small wooden baseball bat over his face , took pictures of him all bloody and then showed them to me and was basically like “this is what’s gonna happen if your dad keeps cheating on me.” My dad wasn’t allowed to attend any life events of mine birthdays, graduation, my wedding. She always had to tag along to every weekend visitation or vacation I had with my dad, and would never let my dad buy me things when we were out because he “already pays enough in child support” ( $55 a week 🙄). He worked as a janitor at my school and she made him quit because she thought he flirted with my teacher. She literally made him tell my teacher “I have to quit because I jerk off thinking about you” and she stood there and made sure he said it. At her and my dads wedding she told me “I’m your mother now and I will smack you” because I wouldn’t give two of her friends a ride home. Eventually they thankfully divorced when she cheated and decided she was done with my dad, but not before having 4 more kids and fucking them all up. Even after the divorce she continued to fuck with him and would claim all the kids on her taxes when the agreement was to split it or do every other year. So one time obviously extremely angry my dad said “I’m gonna kill you” purely out of anger and she called the police ( all of who my dad was friends with because he used to be a firefighter— another job she made him quit) and one of my dads own friends had to come to his house and confiscate all his LEGAL hunting guns and bows because “she feared he would use them to kill her” So after all the shit she put him through now he was the bad guy! I fear Megan’s gonna do the same thing to Kells and push him to a breaking point where he either says or does something violent so then she can spin the narrative and play the Amber Heard victim card and be like “see he was really the bad guy all along this is why you should always believe women, this is why I’m such a powerful feminist” 🙄 Sorry for the rant I can just see from experience how badly this can end for him and Casie’s relationship as well as his already tarnished reputation.

[rosemaries-shroom]

Confused on your takes now?

C said they're the issue cus yikes

But your vent says otherwise?

Were they bad or were you just pissed off because I know them but I'd still like both sides? Any time I try to ask I get directed here

*everybody* was an issue

We get triggered and fall into guilt spirals and bpd episodes/psychosis episodes. We couldn't trust that they weren't just saying things to get us to leave them alone. That has always been a problem we have, the entire time. We've stated and given them multiple times to leave or step away, we have asked them to tell us when we are being too much. They have always said it's okay, so we believed it was that or cause more problems by shutting everyone out. How we react and how we blame ourselves and how close we've been to kxlling ourselves multiple times, the shame and hiding and all the other bullshit. I don't agree with whoever wrote our vent on their final conclusion because it's not something we've ever tried to just dismiss. We've always apologized and had plans to avoid it happening again. But when we're being triggered every damn day and everyone aside from 1(now 3) fucking person was telling us we weren't to blame for how we've been treated. Its fucking hard to believe the one person, so we'd constantly second guess if they were also telling us the truth. That isn't their fault, it was the house we were living in and the trauma we'd been going through since we were like 4? 5?

They were reacting to all the shit that was happening by closing us off, putting the pressure of ending the relationship on us alone, ect. They were also in a bad place, a bad house, a bad life. They are also a traumatized person who *was* trying their best to be supportive, even if it wasn't how we'd asked/needed they were trying to be there. We have never once fucking thought of them as abusive. We know why they reacted how they did. We know why they felt they had to go about it that way. We *were* pissed and the way everything came out on this blog was definitely dismissing the good they have done. We were still in a very triggered mindset and not thinking about how they had helped us. We probably wouldn't have put as much out there if we'd been thinking clearly. That doesn't make what we posted before invalid, we still agree with the message just wish it hadn't been so harsh.

What they did was too close to how we were treated by our actual abuser. We reacted in a fully traumatized way and did a lot of shit that also wasn't okay. We almost kxlled ourselves because the number of lies and hidden shit coming out suddenly at once, often times completely being the opposite of what they assured us was okay. If it had been like one thing or something fucking fine. But to go from "everyone's partners are asleep and have been for who knows how long"(and all of them being ones who had helped with our struggles on top of that) to "we haven't been reaching out to anyone for months"(even though that was *literally* the reason we tried to be okay with opening up more to them) to "how could you call me him? I'm a stereotypical angry protector, you mightve made him angry but that doesn't excuse how he treated you"(but you're treating us how he treated us(minus the rxping) so???? Which is is???) to "oh everyone's awake, they're here again you can talk to them" because "you think we're like him" *when that wasn't even the point we were trying to make*

We hit our breaking point, quite literally. No, we don't think they were abusive, no we don't think we were abusive, we were two fucking traumatized systems who's reactions to being triggered were not being handled well enough. Who's triggers lined up in a bad way that would have continued down a bad road.

They weren't doing it to hurt us, we weren't doing it to make them feel responsible for our inability to regulate ourselves. It just wasn't a relationship that we could continue knowing we'd still be doing all the work to have things be healthy. When every big Talk recently has left us feeling horrifically guilty and like an asshole for even bringing them up

We wanted it to work, to be able to work through it but it was too much for us after everything we'd just gotten out of. Everyone was an issue. Neither side is in the right or wrong. Everyone involved needs to do the work to be a better person.

[tunasama13]

Ah fuck! I traumatized my blorbo again! :(

**SCREAMS AND THROWS MIGUEL ANGST INTO THE FAMILY FUNCTION**

MAJOR TW FOR ATTEMPTED S/H, SELF DEPRECATION, AND IMPLIED CHILD DEATH

Another day goes by like the ever so slight movement of the holographic clocks ticking. He took off his mask, knowing nobody was around to see the state he was in.

Everything inside of him hurt, it wasn’t that he was sore or anything, it was the feeling of constant guilt that was once again trying to rise out of his chest and suffocate him from the inside out. Everything is spiraling downwards, way too quickly for his liking.

Everyone was in the common area doing whatever, and he managed to slip away into the shadows without anyone noticing. It wasn’t hard to do, considering everyone was focused on Hobie and Pavitr arguing about the concept of a hotdog being a sandwich.

He’s always been kind of a loner anyways, if anyone noticed him leaving, they likely didn’t think much of it. Good riddance, considering what has been going on since the morning until now.

He was in a pretty pissy mood all day, and the others seemed to take notice of it. He even snapped at them when he didn’t mean to, over something that didn’t even warrant that reaction. He only realized he had yelled at them when Gwen looked visibly nervous, to which he quickly muttered out a ‘Sorry’ and swung away.

Jess was worried, she has been since that day, yet she still backed off, it was normal for him to be like this after the accident.

But today...? He couldn’t even bear to look at himself in the mirror on the wall of the monitor room.

All he saw was a pathetic excuse of a leader, a friend, a husband.

A father.

Before he knew it, the pain became way too much for him to handle, a feeling he had felt so many times for the last month crawled up his throat. Pain. Hatred, Fear... it all gathered in the corners of his eyes.

It hurt so bad, he wanted to scream- No, he couldn’t let them hear him. He’s done such a good job at hiding everything up to this point, he can’t let some stupid episode break his streak.

He stifles a sob, it comes out as a choked sound, helpless, like it came from the people he was supposed to be saving. His hands, no, his whole body was shaking, he was losing control.

“Stupid... stupid... STUPID!!!” He stumbles backwards after slamming his fist into his own temple, only to be caught by the wall behind him. He barely even registered that he was on the floor until everything seemed so much bigger than him.

How would they react if they knew? Would they replace him with someone more competent, less swayed by their emotions? Would they laugh at him? For fucks sake, most of the team was made up of kids, kids who have had their entire lives taken away from them.

What would they even do if they saw him right now?

He’d replace himself too.

He shouldn’t be the one shaking with silent sobs, tears running down his face, he has to be the adult here! But he can’t control anything, it’s like something in his mind was controlling every single movement he made.

A marionette being controlled by the cruel inevitablity of the universe.

He wonders, if he hadn’t been so ignorant, if only he was there in time. She would still be here, their daughter is gone, forever. Nothing could bring her back, and he knew it. He wasn’t Kingpin, falsely motivated by something that would never work in the first place.

He was supposed to be comforting his other team members after losing their person, but no matter how much he tried to push down everything to help, it always swung back to hit him even harder than before.

It was only a matter of time before he broke down in front of everyone, helpless, worthless, pathetic.

“...shut up shut up shutupSHUTUPSHUTUP!” He croaked, pulling on his own hair, hitting himself, doing whatever he could to punish himself for being such a goddamn weakling. His sobs were slowly becoming louder, he needed to shut up. Everything was for the good of the multiverse, and he knew it, so why did it hurt so much? Why did he constantly want to rip his own heart out in hopes he would just stop feeling things?

(Whoopsie doodles TW section for attempted S/H here!)

That’s it, he thinks, he needs something to drag him out of this pit he’s fallen into. His claws pop out with a *shnk!*, he immediately goes for his own throat, expecting to feel the warm gush of blood. Lyla would warn someone if he ripped out his own neck, she was gone for now. At least until the biometrics on his suit would start going crazy from blood loss.

But... nothing happens. All he can feel are his scarred fingerpads harshly digging into his skin, he forgot, he couldn’t cut himself open with his own talons.

‘Stupidshockingbastard you couldn’t even save your DAUGHTER and you forgot your own body’s limits, idiot idiot-“.

He barely registers the feeling of his own nails clawing at his throat, it barely hurts, it’s nothing compared to everything restrained behind the small leak of emotion that had sprung out.

He wonders if just letting this out hurts this much, he could only imagine how absolutely horrible that full tidal wave of held back emotions would feel. He can already feel the pressure building, migraines, constant nausea, falling asleep on his own computer.

Even they were trying to coax him to air out this terrible fucking feeling in one way or another, constantly holding him, giving him sweet little messages and pecks on the cheek before leaving for work. One night they even tried getting him to open up, only for him to selfishly deny them any chance of him opening up and letting everything go.

The hands scrabbling at his neck finally relent, he stares down at them, watching them tremble in tandem with his own heavy breathing.

He wishes he could be like Peter, who was most likely looking for Mayday. He’s jealous, he hates seeing Peter and Mayday do the stuff him and Gabriella used to do before that asshole took his perfect life away from him.

He hears himself yelp and flinch as another set of hands wrap around his own, his heart drops. This is it, he’s been caught, everyone’s going to find out. His breathing immediately picks up as he struggles weakly, trying to pry whoever was holding his hands off of him.

The hands move down to a little bit below his wrist, gently rubbing circles as a grounding method knowing his hands are sensitive.

“It’s okay... you’re gonna be okay... just breathe” It’s a familiar voice, thank shock, it’s just Jess. He’s still not okay though, his quiet sobs relenting as they’re replaced with quick, heavy breathing.

“Lyla told me you weren’t doing good... do you want to talk about it?” She smiles gently, he knows she knows what he went through, she’s trying to help. But some side of him hates it, he hates feeling like a helpless child, someone who needs to be saved.

He pushes her away, getting a surprised sound as he struggles to stand up, his vision spinning.

“No- no... I’m fine.” He bites out, wiping his tears with his wrist. Why is he like this? It’s stupid and foolish, but he can’t stop himself, it’s like he’s on autopilot.

He really didn’t want to seem small, not in control. Jess glares, yet there’s no real heat behind it.

“Okay, I want an excuse to how you could be fine when you’re curled up in the corner crying your eyes out!” Jess crosses her arms as he stumbles a bit, trying to get away.

“Listen Jess, I really don’t want to deal with this right now, I’m tired from today’s shenanigans and I would really appreciate it if-“ He was silenced when Jess grabbed his wrist, she looked pissed, yet still concerned.

“Are you crazy?! Holding everything back isn’t going to fix this! And I don’t care if your excuse is that you don’t want anyone to see you looking “weak”, everyone is already worried about you because of your month long vacation you didn’t explain to them!” She shoots back, it was enough to quiet him down. Leaving him to tremble at the idea of everyone finding out again.

Jess sighs, gently pulling him towards a chair and almost forcefully pushing him down onto it by the shoulders.

“Now, you’re going to tell me what set you off so we can finally get somewhere for once, then I’m getting you a drink and something to eat because you look like five seconds away from death-“ She continued in her rambling, leading him to sigh and draw his knees up to his chest. This was about to be a very long lecture about how foolish he was acting.

Understandable though.