tigrisarchaius

[tigrisarchaius]

diet notes

proteins

carbs

fat

vitamins

minerals

water

------------------------

= WHAT YOUR BODY NEEDS!

Proteins - 20 chemicals - amino acids 11- non-essential 9 - from food

Carbs - 2 kinds -sugar -starches Fat - 3 kinds -saturated, unsaturated, mono unsaturated Minerals - marco minerals - large amounts mirco minerals - small mounts three important minerals = zinc, iron, calcium vitamin c + iron to help body use more iron...

marcominerals = calcium, potassium, iron, sodium/chlorine...

trace minerals = manganese, copper, iodine, zinc, cobalt, fluoride, selenium

[tigrisarchaius]

notes

promoting identity development in adolescents.

4 developmental domains related to identity development

-skills/knowledge

-attitudes

-orientations

-explorations/commitment

08/22/17

when i woke up today i didn’t see myself the same... I knew somethings different, fuck is up this aint no game. Real life - take no l’s and only win to gain fame. I cant blame the lifestyle cause the ride to the top is the true blessing. you learn your ropes, find out who you are and make determiniations based on what you want.

help me understand i cant change the lane. i cant pump the brakes or hear the radio. its like im drowning in a body bag i cant escape i cant ever go away dont ever take me back i wont ever be the same. wnt every be the same injuired and reckless no more i am retrained. i am a new no more feelingless its a new life started fresh no longer meaningless.

holy shit its 2 am, its late as fuck i did what i said i wouldnt do again. stayed up past my bed time. soon in a few hours ill be up for work.

i stay up late just to write this shit. its sad cause i just write non-sense and never go back to read it. (lol) It will hopefully serve purpose one day in the future. 

yours truly,

xxxxxxx v. xxxxxxx

[tigrisarchaius]

august 6

trust me when i say this. i know what i want youre my queen youre beautiful w you ill rise to the top. your support is my souls nourishment i need it daily without you my love this would would gleam so brightly. my heart wouldnt have grown to love the way that it does. i mean it when i say this i love you and dont ever think i wont never.

cause im here to stay and all i know is youre my life. please tell me please tell me you feel the same...

when i think of you a smile covers over my face. people probably look at my thinking im a test case this world is filled w so much hate i cant stand itbut you radiate so bright you have the power to help take it away you made plans for hawaii on st valentines day its just youre so thoughtful ill love you every single way.

cause im here to stay and all i know is youre my life. please tell me please tell me you feel the same...

to the moon and back i really mean it. with out around its like a loss of a bit. maybe more like a night sky not moon lit. i never wanna make you throw a fit. youre too beautiful any other way seems unfit. i love you

cause im here to stay and all i know is youre my life. please tell me please tell me you feel the same...

theres only one life and im dying so are you so i need to know. eyes unmatched and hair so soft. slight tinge like the color of scotch. youre love so powerful it motivates the movements in my rolex watch. how you do your same routine every night and never break? whether we are in virginia, alaska, europe or when i got a tummy ache. youre skin is so clean id lick you up like ice cream cake. how you keep yourself tip top fresh down there no hairs the theme. lets sit around and chill eat some halo top ice cream. your curves make my private part elongate. for all of my short commings youre still a perfect mate. thank you girl i cant say that enough. youre the smores with extra marshmellow fluff i love it.

cause im here to stay and all i know is youre my life. please tell me please tell me you feel the same...

[tigrisarchaius]

Aug 5 - Food Posioned X_X

diligently and silently

dignified and classified

different but special

loyalty and pride.

friday august 4....

saturday august 5

sitting there looking at Mount McKinley/Mount Denali. Awe inspiring the way the mountains overwhelm and out angle the entire scenary. Its so massive that its impossible for you not to see it. I was food poision sick yesterday and felt like shit. slept through it but now I feel better.

seize the opportunities, take yourself seriously because you mean business.

do not expect your fortune to be made for you... only you create your future. only you decide your destiny. follow your heart and consult with yourself every step of the way.

[tigrisarchaius]

so frustrated rn.. 11/3/2017 undated entry from earlier this year

Emily,

theese are the worlds i feel and

the emotions i cant say

evening sunset with a nice cool wind

face warmed up with a nice sun ray

this is just the beginning as i start to say

theres something ive been wanting to ask today

you know that thing called love. it feels so good

that feeling so goood i must bask. bask in the glory

its better than any drug

feels great to get a hug

the affection is mutual and its something so special

“Emily” as he gets on one knee

“I need to know” -  

“will you be mine, will you let me set you free? will you let me take you where you want to be? “

she smiles and laughs... but then starts to cry - 

“of course, oh my god I love you”

[tigrisarchaius]

emily,

you smile and it lightens my insides

you bring me the joy i never felt before. I believe in the truth you opened my eyes

amist the smoke clouds fog, lighting stroms, hail, snow, heavy wind, and lots of rain. there I am stanidng. Im standing after enduring earthquakes, tsuanmis, trecerous rwinds and im all alone. the world is a disaster this is not my home. but live like a shimmer of glimmer in the dead dark of the night you came in and illuminated my life. you raised my up and showed me love when all i had to do was be me. i really fucking appreciate that becuase you know im not normal and my brains a little insane.

tell the that stuff you told me about how you found the one, you only need me. when you say that i believe you dont just say that stuff because it sounds good. i need your word to mena something your my number one fan, youre bigger part then a lot of my own fam...

if tomororw doesnt bring what you want it to bring, at least make sure youre putting some work in to push you and move you closer towards your goals

I love you. I may get frustaarted or sometimes seem to s distant. its not that im not thinking of you every day, I do. Theres just always a lot of stuff that occupies my mind and distracts me from being happy. There are a lot of people who make me feel that their problems are my fault. Its a little overwhelming and certainly can be stressful.

emily,

you understand my love for you has expotentially grown, increased

and intensified over the years. november 23 marks our two year anniversay it feels like it has been so much longer. The future has so much more in store for us.

emily,

you should undertand you are my only love, theres no other woman who can take your place in my heart. i love you so much cause you helped me before i fell apart. i was only 23 felt like i was crawling in the dark.

theres enough light in the world to illuminate, all the dark places in the world, finally someone said it. 

the darkness can be so debilitating when you feel depressed i dont want to wake up or get out of bed

-------------------

As if the world isn’t already cold 

life filled empty promises is what im sold

this world is always changing, hearts never told

dont get stuck in before you know youll be old

your dealt your cards and im delt mine

you got the royal flush and i just got stuck with a pair nine

ask two tmes and ill put you in line....

Im alivie but I feel like its empty

I want to feel fufilled and successful finally

who said that I have to listen to who you want me to be?

this is my life these are my dreams only I hold the key

trust me when I tell you this is my life dont you see..

Im not your slave and im done paying for your time my fee.

Im worth so much more yet you treat me like crap

im a human like you you should respect me not make it feel liek a trap

what goes around comes back around

and if its not tomorrow then it will tomorrow

but who is going to be there on your judgement day?

its not going to be me, im not going to wait n stay

if you ever need my help i wont give it to you

ill never forgot but i still appreciate things you did

im so exhausted i just want to lay to rest

[tigrisarchaius]

another dateless entry

this is scary to say but theres a part of my brain i have to get to unleash. i feel it. i know its there i just dont now what to do to access it and start using it to benefit me. meditate and reevaluate. meditate and re-evaluate. if this is the bet path for you. if you have any uneasy feelings or intuitions listen to them. but be weary you will get alot of negative pushback and retaliation. no one wants you to access your hidden power. only i know how to unleash it

four core lore wore bore door

im so exhausted i just want to sleep

theres only a few feelings comparable

to utter exhaustion and uncomfortableness

yo yo yo yo youyou you your youre

help me help me i cant move

my eyes are open my mind is awake

i can see my surroundings and im aware i am barely breathing im sweating. and im gasping for air what the hell is going on why cant i move? i am stuck im paralyzed my body isnt moving. this is o wrong is this just a a dream? 

yo its just me in this world

my life cant always be amazing.

i ask myself why god chose me

why did he bless me what is

my meaning what is my purpose

where do i begin? because i have

one life and i get goosebumps

when i think about my purpose

i was born for greatness

all i need to do is stay alive til then..

seriously thought i had have been born for a reason im so freaking lucky and want to see god face to face so i can thank him. 

forget all this praying stuff i dont even know if he hears me. the electricity flowing through my veins i feel the power i feel the energy its flowing through my body. its radiating its intensifying. this feeling is insane. i cant think about the past only envision my future. now its time to live in the present and unravel. 

this life is to good the way our bodies as humans were designed is truly miraculous science. it was interesting rudy brought up the fact the human face is slowly evolving into its next form day by day. humans are breeding into a large mixing bowl they are mixing hundreds of thousands of years of ancestry, cultural lifestyles, and genes. genes that developed humans from primates to what we are now.

[tigrisarchaius]

08/05/17

I walk up to the airport and my flight is about to leave in about an hour. Im not late and I got plenty of time. Its a cloudy day and I didnt even consider the situation I was about to go be in sitting at the gate waiting for my flight and all of the sudden boom, no light ... a thunderstorm had been brewing behind the gray cloudy gloom of the clouds. boom.. damm that shits really loud. iin my chair and i jumped. I didnt know what happened...

-------

i feel this is all to familiar but i just cant tell

all these people all these lights and yeah my luck as well

blessings on blessings on blessings yes im doing fairly swell

my family is growing my hearts power increasing we got a dog named nala belle

and all while im doing my thing life doesnt feel like a hell.. anymore..

i been there before a time or two 

i was down at the bottom but you picked me up

you always encouraged and supported pour love inmy cup

these are the days ive been outlined as my route

cloudy days never felt the same its 

not me and its not just my brain

please speak up dont let me stand alone

i know you feel the same u told me on the phone

[tigrisarchaius]

thoughts for this day in sept 2017

what is the part of my brain that stops me from doing what i need to do?

once you start someting and you have it unfinihsed it will prevent you from moving forward

need to focus on starting a project and completing it. do you have a project you can think of you need to finish? can you think of multiple projects looming around? what is the part of our rain that sets up al these different projects? there may be a mental block forming in my mind from simple tasks written down on a to do list that have not been completed. things when i first started thinking of doing felt very confident about setting out to tackle each step until its final completion. i even had the mental image in my head of how i thought the end result woul look like. how easy the steps would be and everything. why is not done yet? without my brain on stimulants what would i have accomlpished today? with each passing day if i continu use of my medication, my hear and body will grow stronger. the resilinece of the human body is to adapt to circumstance by adjusting and eventually changing. i dont know if projects that are incomplete cause mental blocks for other peple..

psy explore: do starting projects and leaving them unfinished create mental blocks

[tigrisarchaius]

september 25 2017

just got back from new mexico road trip, fuck. what do i want/ is what i ask myself. the most obvious answer is you no matter what else comes with it...

what i need to get over is the fact of how much more i need you and that you dont really need me. i know your love is there i dont know why i said i didnt feel it..

10 years is a long time. most of all whats important to me and what ive come to understand after much meditation is that you are all i care about. i never want a single day in my life to pass without you...

it really eats me up inside because i ruined an entire trip because i let the comment you made get to me. I am not always going to be a pothead or smoke - and seriously thank you for putting up with it. Im going to try and explain it. within explaining it hopefully i’ll get a better understanding or grasp of everything...

i have a known history of

sleep disorder/sleep apnea, mental disorders, drug abuse, and alcohol abuse.

because smoking releases dopamines, constant rush 3-5-8 times a day. my body is accustomed to it and expects it..

too many anti depressants in the past to try and regulate my brains chemical levels. since 14-15 years old over 10 years of chemicals changing my mapping of my brain. it has remained fairly stable with the use of amphetamines and marijuana. happy and content when access to these are available. this and you is the best I have ever felt...

without marijuana i am more irritable and impatient.  I am mean and an ass hole especially more so when I take amphetamines. a combination of that and all of the stress of my situation, with my mom, your parents, you moving in, having changed oyur mind, quitting my job, figuring out how i am going to pay my bills, figuring out how i am going to get past one of the most challenging times in my life.. I want to get better from my addictions over the course of the next 1-5-10-15-20-25 years. However long it takes me to figure out my identity and build my character. I am going to face my mental and physical problems. I am going to figure out myself and my life. There is no one else in this world i want to do this with. i only want you. im sorry that i lost sight of that during our roadtrip. sorry I  let my anger get the best of me and im so sorry to make you feel like shit. i stayed up after you left and i had to worst sad goosebumps i ever experienced. it was as if i saw a ghost so i kept looking out over and over again out the window thinking you were coming back. i stoped and listened i swear i heard your car horn go off like you parked/locked your car. i fell to the ground, clutched my knees and put my head between my legs as i took deep breaths with my head down. that didnt just happen. why did i do that? why did i act that way towards you? why did i insult you you are such a pure soul you dont conceive or think of any evil.

im sorry for the way i mistreated you. i came home, blocked out the rest of my thoughts and when i thought about you... i get happy. i know we were meant for each other. I am going through a lot of changes and life is stressing me out.. I know you are in a transitional stage also and im not making your life easier like i said I would.. My unwelcome sarcastic comments towards you are fucking stupid and have no place in our relationship....  my jealousy is also very unattractive and has no place in our relationship. my insults to you and insults against myself are so backwards its a waste of energy because they do no good. that will stop.. 

there have been so many mistakes that ive made during our relationship and this one is certainly a grave one. i took attacks at you and gave you shit about the dog. i yelled at you in public and swear to god i ddnt mean it. i need stability in my life, i need structure and a foundation reconstruction because mine has cracks and it wont seal. you are an angel and i am really beginning for your forgiveness. please forgive me emily please please. 

Excuse my behavior again. this has been way to many times and im not going to continue letting it happen. im going to pray to god i can meet you in your neighborhood shortly after 5:45 AM so I can relay all these feelings I am pouring out onto this paper.

I am so disgusted with my behavior.  I am so baffled at why i acted that way. you deserve better and you will get it. I apologize so many times that i will be grateful if the sincerity of this letter finds your heart and allows you to forgive me. I know the amount of times you heard it makes it mean less but the feeling behind this sorry has never been or never felt as large.

due to my ill mannered out of line and audacious actions our relationship has suffered yet another injury you are remarkable resilient and you amazes me every day. please dont give up. i am so sorry. i am not threatening to end this relationship anymore. i am and was so wrong. im sorry emily. if it takes weeks or months for you to forgive me then so be it. i am obsessed with you and will ait as long as i need for us to live in a harmonious peaceful bliss - that is my goal and i strongly believe in my heart that we will get there.

i am working everyday to be better and yesterday was a backwards step. i wasnt myself. let me show you that this can work. im not going to be angry, we are going to be really happy together and like th rest of out lives together. i love you. i love you. i love you.

i cant stop thinking about you.

i really wish a text would come through

revitalized my focus so i can feel brand new

just me and you down cherokee avenue

i cant stop thinking about you.

i ccant get you out of my mind

i never stopped thinking of you. i just

want us to be cool. looking at my phone

ive typed out at least 5 text but never 

sent them. i sent you a hail mary text about your “hurt” leg because 

i could not stand not talking to you anymore and its driving me crazy. pleas let me make it up to you. ill show you i can be happy and we can live happily ever after without arguing. if you made it this far. thank yo. i hope i can give you a hug if i havent already

[tigrisarchaius]

xV

08/04/

alaska - I am going to alaska for a wedding.. someone asked me the other day why I write like a left handed person.. the fuck??

[tigrisarchaius]

xiv

07/09/17

i at virignina beach with pedro, mark, diane, and my mom weeettTT!! emily is stil in new miexco. this entry was for documentation purposes only.

[tigrisarchaius]

xiii

06/28/17

im living a life i dont want to do

this is my only life i thought it was my choice?

i keep repeating that expression about insanity same thing over and over.

thinking nothing is changing you were right yet again..

time waits for no man. dont wait to begin. living your life...

life is what you make it out to be. you see summer winter trees fall

look up at the sky it isnt always so bad

i gotta keep reminding myself to be grATEFUL for what i have

failing is no option. i will succeed..

i will prevail and i will be wealthy. i undertand i have not yet fully grapsed what life has chosen to be my path. i need to start doing something different. i ned to change how i spend my time and make it more productive. how can i oragaize and prioritize what are things a human has to do? who defnes this? Is it just how we were raised? how can i involve myself more to spend my time more productively? what is a good defiction of spending my time productively. I can smoke and be productive it the same time. absouley can do anything high. I have to find the golden path. I will find the golden path its right in front of me. why cant I see it ?

[tigrisarchaius]

xii

find your path look where you are going..

do oyu need help, sorry wont get that here

only a sight dose of reality im here to tell

you the truth not everyone is happy not everyone is perfect

no one wants to be miserable or upset we all get stuck in thse

circles and traps.

life is intentionally set up so you fall into one of these cookie cutter way of living.

some people can do it. others like myself beat ourselves up agonizing over how the hell i am going to make this shit happen///////////////////

i n cnat play any instruments. i m not stupi rich where i can hire a ridiucous staff to make me rich. of course. I dont have money to hire a staff..

please figure out your life.

people are starting to worry about you................≥.

fuck

[tigrisarchaius]

v00

theres gotta be a reason for the rhyme. we are all breathing the season. moving time im in mind the thoughts of lingering animosity continuously banter back and forth. the orchestra and mix of calamity make the unnerving sound of dissonance seem like dreams from butterflies.

i think of your eyes thinking bout all the million whys i love you and i cant wait to live our live be our be and do all the things our minds can conceive living a dream as bliss and serene. could only be a creation of something mixed with a hint of you. in my ase ill take a whole lot of you in fact the whole thing. i love every part of you and want to make you feel special. you deserve this dont ask why.. its not for no reason ive been meaning to tell you all along sometimes t comes easier in a song ora poem just know yea i wrote it . from your influence to you fro me love. xxx xv xxxxx

i want to think of all the ways to express myself so here it goes..

feel to ground and couldn't get up drowning in an ocean ith no sign of help

burning in a fire bound to your wood post

lost in a forest filled w hungry hunters

you saved me

you saved me....

this worldi s a cruel and inhumane place. but who am i kidding i dont need to tell you. just look around. CHAOS around every corner cant walk straight without watching back everyone is a wolf tryin to eat sheep eat  or get eaten mentality is life. be better work harder. do more. i need to change i need to do better. i will do better i will be rich. i will be happy. i will change my life. i will make Emily happy with me...

06 27 - 28 2017

find your path. 

[tigrisarchaius]

my selfies folder.... need to have it online so i can look at it one day and laugh when my iphone library decides to crap out and die

[tigrisarchaius]

xii

hey there you need to do something iwth your life. you cant work at a stupid car dealership your whole life.... make a move. make things happen - you can do it. you are going to do it. you will do it. you will make great things happen. your success will be a direct correlation of your ard work an your hard work no pun intended .my dick will be so flaccid because all my money will distract me then i can spend my time with emily. I would be so happy.

june 25 2017

i got the pen in my hand icant even see..

hate it when i pick up a pen and it doesnt write. it reminders me of my inadeques and how i have those dreams of me fighting. im alwas seeing myself in fights and in these dreams i cant figure out the meaning. ill square up with these people and try to pnch them. i go to pucn and feel like i have no power.. i have n o power tai chai video showed self defense using elbows.

suunday afternoon chillin in my room , should be cleanining but i dont give a fuck today.