camsyisdead

[camsyisdead]

pro-recovery in the way that everyone should recover besides me

[camsyisdead]

If I want to be skinny I will have to chew and spit my own birthday cake that my mother makes me since I was a kid, there are no excuses.

[camsyisdead]

do you have any workouts or diets you use specifically?

Not really? I don't work out cause I'm a heavy smoker, and I just eat 400, 600 cals max and fast most days, I mostly eat a few vegetables, fruit and popcorn, but if I have to I will eat anything to not raise relapse alarms.

I know it's ironic I'm saying this and it's probably not what you want to hear, but if you're gonna restrict try to take supplements so you're not low on any nutrients, try to not get too low on caloric intake, just enough to bee loosing weight, your body needs fuel and you can't enjoy being skinny if you're locked up in grippy socks town, and you'll raise red flags really quick if you suddenly stop eating and drop weight like crazy, stay hydrated and stay safe,

What I do I call time bomb type diet, I drop weight fast, buy I know if I keep this up for too long I'll start seeing double and pass out, last times I did it I ended up in the ER multiple times in a row, with multiple rounds of fluids, and multiple tests cause when I'm malnourished my eyes do this funny thing where they roll back like I'm on molly, they think is a neurological thing cause I'm giving myself brain damage, I've already seen the effects of it, they've also warned me I'm gonna give myself multiple organ failure, so I wouldn't recommend you do that.

Anorexia is the deadliest mental illness, I don't really care since I know I'll kms at some point, I'm too deep in this hole and don't see any type of future for myself and have accepted I won't die of old age, my family is also coming to terms that I'll probably die at my own hands and there's no longer anything anyone can do for me, my last psychiatrist and therapist dropped me cause they can't help me and when trying to find new ones I've been told multiple times I'm too much, it's devastating and I wouldn't wish my mental state on anyone, it sounds counterintuitive but if you're gonna restrict try to do it in a "safe" way and practice harm reduction while you do it.

[camsyisdead]

Happy birthday to me?

So, happy 24th birthday to me, just another regular day of wishing I succeeded at killing myself 8 years ago like I do daily.

It was yesterday, I spent the whole day stressed crying about a project that was 90% of my grade, I fucked it up and failed class, but my friends had been saying for 2 weeks we were going out so I wasn't that sad I never had friends to celebrate, when I got there there was a vibe of let's pretend we never said anything, so we smoked a joint in the parking lot when we got out of class at 11 pm with two people that felt bad for me. I saw they wanted to leave, so I went to wait for the train for an hour until 12 alone freezing in the sketchy ass empty station, just the cockroaches and me, high af, feeling stupid for being hyped about celebrating. Had to text my mom to tell her I was "too tired to go out". When I got home my brother was celebrating his birthday for the second time with 15 friends, so I had to stay in my room until they left.

But hey, my family said that since I had that project thing we were going to celebrate today, my favorite aunt was coming, but when I got up we kinda pretended no one said anything too. My mom at one point came in and asked me if I wanted some cake, she asked me if I wanted her to sing but it was so depressing I just said no, rn she just told me she's going out so I should reheat some of the leftovers from my brother's party.

If no one made plans I wouldn't have any expectations, we could've just drank some tea together, but they didn't even said they were tired or something, we just pretended they never said anything, twice.

Only good but saddest part is since everyone pretended they didn't make plans for my birthday I saved the calories I would've ate if we did celebrate.

Did I mention I wanna kms?

[camsyisdead]

The delulu is so strong I ACTUALLY believe for the 20th time that this time I WILL stop at my ugw and won't keep lowering the number.

Bitch how delusional do you have to be to keep telling yourself this time you're in control and will stop at a specific number when WE ALL know you can't. The only thing that will stop me is death

[camsyisdead]

Body check, also what the fuck is wrong with me.

Where did things go wrong, when did I suddenly woke up and decided that I'd rather lay on a morgue than be fat, anyways, photos from my highest weight during recovery, and last week, tried using the same clothes, couldn't weight myself cause I'm not allowed scales at home.

Took my belly piercing out as motivation cause it only looks cute on a flat stomach, lucky it didn't leave a scar, but now I can re-pierce it, kinda sucks cause it took me +1 years to heal it, but that's the consequences of getting fat.

[camsyisdead]

I'm so pathetic the only validation that makes me happy is form other ED bitches on tumblr, I feel like since I gained weight I'm no longer deserving of being here, but I need to lock the fuck in and loose this fat, I will make people double check when they pass me by.

[camsyisdead]

I don't understand why some girls can be naturally skinny and my family doesn't bat an eye

but when I have a flat stomach and thing gap I'm suddenly unhealthy and relapsed, like is the only way for me to look "healthy" to have fat in my stomach and thighs?

It's like they want me to be fat.

Anyway I gained a lot of weight and I wanna kms so I'm relapsing bby, I'm gonna need al the thinspo I can get cause I'm on vacation and summer here is about to start, and I can't be looking like this, imagine wearing a swimsuit and not having a flat stomach, fucking pathetic and gross.

[camsyisdead]

need friends

i need friends to lose weight with no softies plzs

[camsyisdead]

I got used to the constant burning pain in my stomach, but I could never get used to my thighs jiggling.

[camsyisdead]

Body check 49-51kgs? Idk

Feel like a disgusting cow, I'm even ashamed of posting this, recovery ruined my body, but I'll get back, my old ugw body is all the thinsp0 I need.

[camsyisdead]

✨ I'd rather loose my hair, feel dizzy, weak, be nauseous, have mental fog and see black when I stand up but still weight 40kgs and see my pretty bones. ✨

[camsyisdead]

How to loose weight without your family noticing

1. TAKE THE FUCKING VITAMINS. You don't want to be malnourished, as soon as you get too sick to function people notice the anorexia.

2. Balance macronutrients, if you do the 100cla diet you'll drop weight fast but will end up dropping to the floor too, keep some carbs.

3. Stop body checking in the windows and touching your bones in public, it may be unconsciously, but it's weird.

4. Stop constantly talking about food, don't mention  everything you eat, it's weird, you may not notice but you do it.

5. Show your fat body as long as you can, when you start loosing weight GRADUALLY start using baggy clothes so they don't see your pretty bones and call your therapist.

6. Don't constantly eat in your room, eat like you enjoy it in front of others, don't overdo it cause it'll be suspicious.

7. Any meal you're not with someone you can skip it and lie.

8. Exercise in bed, there's many workouts you can do in bed, you have no excuse.

9. It's better to loose weight a little slower, there's no fun in being skinny if you can't get out of bed.

10. Water, coffee and tea, nothing else, no sugar just stevia.

11. If you wanna eat and have no self control, it's better to eat something filling like (no butter) popcorn or rice crackers than to binge a pint of ice cream.

12. Learn self control, entrain yourself, go to sleep, just don't binge, or would you rather puke? They could hear you or smell it, gross.

13. Your parents notice something's wrong if you only eat shirataki noodles, egg whites and cucumber, find low calorie normal foods.

14. Drink water and sleep, you wanna be cute, they notice if you look like a hospice patient, I can see how sick I looked, not cute.

15. Walk everywhere, if you haven't stepped on a gym in 10 years it'll be suspicious if you suddenly start at the same time you eat less.

16. Make the diet changes slowly, if you were eating normally and you start eating only jello and rice crackers you might as well put a RELAPSE sign on you forehead.

17. Try to stop doing weird things and rituals when you eat, the people at the table will notice if you constantly chug water and cut food in toddler size pices.

18. Don't overdo the fasting, your body needs fuel to function, if you don't you'll pass out and blow your cover.

[camsyisdead]

OMG YOU'RE BACK?? 🥺 You were like the first blog I followed back in March when I relapsed and any time I open tumblr I think to myself "I hope they're okay" ahh I've missed seeing your blog pop up 😭💖

I'M BACK, after the ER incident I was kinda forced into recovery, had a manic episode, got "stable" and idk why but I relapsed and I'm back on my bullshit lol, tracking cals, lying throwing away food etc. I wonder what is it that makes the brain switch just like that and throws you back in.

I'll start posting again, venting about shit, tracking my progress, missed being here 💖 hope I don't get deactivated 🤞🏻

[camsyisdead]

I'm back baby

Hope the few followers I had didn't forget about me lol.

So I "recoverd" and gained 10kg, currently I'm a fat disgusting cow, but it's relapse time y'all and I'm feeling the dopamine of starving already.

I'm going on holiday to a tropical country so I can't be looking like a pig in a bikini so I have to loose at least 5kg by december.

So since now my family and friends know about the anorexia they will be in the lookout for any regular restricting behavior. Can't eat in my room, can't skip meals, nutritionist makes me take pictures of my food so small portions is a nono, she checks that I eat carbs, fats, protein etc.

So I'm asking of tips and ideas on how to restrict and fly under the radar, I want to loose weight and not set off any alarms cause since they found out after the multiple ER visits and stuff as soon as I do something suspicious they'll be all up in my business and will control anything I eat for a while and I'll have to start all over again and will have to spend months gaining back the trust so they can let me be again, last time they found out I was "pretending" to recover and was still lying about eating and throwing away food they made me always eat in front of others, but just my family , nor friends and if I was alone I had to eat on FUCKING FACETIME, I can't go back to that.

So does anyone have any tips/tricks ideas on how o can go back to not eating but not set any alarms off now that my family knows? Thank you in advance I'm exited to be here with you bunch of sick Tumblr bitches again 💖

[camsyisdead]

Body check and update

So it's been a week since the whole ER thing and my arm is still bruised from where they put the IVs, and tbh this will sound fucked up but I kinda like it.

I don't think I've been loosing weight lately, they are forcing me to recover, gave me Ensure, making me eat 4 meals a day, but I'm already finding ways to starve, skip meals.

I know I'm gambling with my life and future, I'm "recovering" so I can go to university and not pass out, be able to take a bus and a train without seeing double or blurry, I have class on Friday at night, so my plan is to fast and skip meals every chance I have, but on Thursday try to at least eat at tea time and dinner, take the ensure at those times, and then Friday eat breakfast lunch and tea time, go to class and eat some snacks there so I don't, you know, pass out at uni in front of my classmates, on Saturdays early morning I do voluntary work at a soup kitchen/school for kids and I need to eat breakfast.

So I have planned which meals I NEED to eat so I don't pass out, and then the rest of the week skip the rest whenever I can.

I don't really know if I will continue to loose weight, at least not as fast as I've been doing for the last months, cause they are making me eat carbs and fats, honestly I want to kill myself whenever I do, but they fucked my only vegetables diet, I kinda get it cause when I was eating like that I ended up in the ER, but making me eat bread, potatos, avocados and such is too much for me.

I'm also banned from working out so I don't, you know, have a heart attack, and I'm bordering on being banned from moving big distances on public transportation, which going to the university that's far away from my home falls into that category. So I have to be very calculative on what my diet will be, which meals to skip, which meals to have, balance being anorexic with being able to function and such.

[camsyisdead]

Guess who was admitted to the ER less than 24 hours after being discharged from staying a day hooked to cables and IVs so I don't die?

So, I was discharged yesterday, all was ok, my vitals and blood work was ok, so I got home, had my mom screaming and crying at me for 2 hours saying I was gonna die, so I had a bigger dinner that night and decided I was going to go back to my lies and tricks the next day, like it was a one time thing cause I fasted for almost 48hs.

So next day I get up, I get my coffee, had to leave the house for the day, grate time to skip lunch and lie, then eat in my room and throw out my dinner, it was still 11 am, I went out to go take the bus, and I didn't make it 2 blocks before everything started to spin, I started seeing double again and everything got blurry.

I stumbled back home, called my mom, she said come to the ER again, it's probably an anxiety thing, so I went to the ER, like they have the ER where they see you first and make you a prescription, went there thinking it was anxiety, not 10 minutes later I'm rushed to get admitted and get IVs, the nurses know me by now, so less than 24hs after being discharged I'm backed with a needle in my arm, but also had to get a head scann so they can make sure I didn't permanently damage my brain, so go me! Waiting to know if wanting to be skinny deprived my brain of nutrients long enough so that I have permanent brain damage. My mom isn't very happy tho