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Wonder Woman and Steven Universe because they would be BESTIES

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i only threw this party for you or whatever charlie xcx said

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Posted it already in the dick Grayson community buy whatever

The sillies

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i’m so sad.. omg hi pre new 52 jason todd!!

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actually can we have Tim not being adopted into the batfamily and instead after his parents go broke and then die leaving him with nothing he just decides ‘well i know where the batcave is’ and starts living in the tunnels underneath Wayne manor because of the logic that he can’t get kicked out bcs 1. squatters rights and 2. whats Bruce gonna do? call the police and say ‘this guy won’t leave my secret lair. no im not Batman wdym’? and he manages to go unnoticed for like. a good fucking while. not even Alfred realises bcs wtf would he be snooping around down there for?

even better is this happens after Jason dies so Tim still becomes Robin and Bruce is so overwhelmed with grief that he literally never realises that Tim has never once used the front door to come over. he just kinda sneaks up from somewhere in the cave. he assumes that Alfred’s letting the kid in without telling him. Alfred assumes Bruce is doing the same.

Damian finds out first because that’s so much funnier. he gets to Gotham to 1. gain his birthright and meet his father and 2. do some reconnaissance/avenging of this replacement Robin that’s been the centre of Jason’s angry rants at the league for the past 6 months. he follows Tim ‘home’ and finds him fucking. golluming it up a 15 minute hike through the cave system and he’s like. wait what.

Damian, reporting back to Jason: Drake is a mole.

Jason, vindicated: like he’s working for the enemy?!

Damian, standing in front of an indignant Tim in the middle of his ‘camp’, phone pressed to his ear: no like he lives in a fucking tunnel.

Jason:

Tim, mumbling: slightly harsh,

Damian, angling his face away from the phone momentarily: i watched you dig a hole to unearth the protein bars you’d buried there.

Tim:

Jason, rapidly changing his opinion on this kid: ok actually lets not kill him because thats fucking hysterical and i want to know more-

Tim really likes living alone in the tunnels because he’s a weird little guy and he’s gotten used to the independence and lack of sun, and Damian grew up in the league where ‘wilderness training’ was monthly, mandatory, and from the age of three. so he really doesn’t see the issue in it. he just kinda shrugs and accepts his brother lives in the cave system. Jason is so delighted and amused by the vibes these two kids have going on over in Gotham (he gets video calls from Damian just. in Tim’s camp while they hang out together sometimes. Damian brings him water bottles and various sustenance offerings like he’s appealing so some ancient deity living under their house. Jason thinks it’s incredible) that he decides fuck the league, he needs to see this in person. killing the Joker is a side quest he did on the way; he really only came to see what his idiot little brothers had going on under Bruce, Dick and Alfreds nose. he visits Tim’s little cave home while waiting for his new Crime Alley apartment to be ready.

eventually Bruce and Dick are working on a case and they’re following a lead to do with a criminal escaping via cave systems that they theorise may connect to the batcave, so after Damian’s gone to bed they suit up and start searching around. they come across Damian, Tim, and the fucking Red Hood chilling around a small fire just casually eating leftovers Damian snuck down from the kitchen, just quietly enjoying each others presence in this clearly years old campsite, quietly discussing whether or not the weather will be clear enough next week to go to the new art museum together. Dick shines a flashlight at them and they all snap to attention like that scene in ratatouille where the human comes in the kitchen and the rats all freeze and look up. nobody says anything for a solid three minutes.

eventually Tim is just like “I have squatters rights. you can’t evict me.” and Red Hood nods and points at him.

Bruce, desperate to gain some kind of thread of understanding here: “Damian, you’re supposed to be in bed. …Tim, I’m actually not sure where you’re supposed to be, come to think of it, but I don’t think it’s here.”

“He just said he has squatters rights, father.” Damian responds instantly. “Keep up.”

Dick: “And does the Red Hood have squatters rights?”

“I have a gun,” Jason points out cheerfully. “Same thing, ain’t it?”

Dick and Bruce are so confused they become convinced that they’ve been dosed with something and only figure out whats going on after putting on gas masks and testing everybody’s blood.

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Cass still high fives Duke and hugs Tim while kicking Jason. We call it the Cain Instinct

Cass: *is raised to murder ppl* *grows up to not kill*

Jason: *raised by BATMAN to NOT murder ppl* *grows up to murder ppl anyways*

Cass: *judgemental stare*

Jason, aggressively 17 during utrh: leave me alone! i can do what I want!

One of Jason’s possible mothers was lady shiva (which always make me go WHAT??? to)

Au where Lady Shiva was actually his mother. She gave birth to two children and after seeing what little 18 month old Cassandra was going through decides the safest thing she can do for her second is to let him live in Gotham as a regular civillian with his father.

No one finds Jason because of his connection to Lady Shiva- but Batman does find him when he steals his tires.

Jason dies before his older sister. Looking for his birth mother and instead an imposter pretended to be his birth mother to sell him out to joker.

When Talia finds him wandering around Crime alley catatonic, she informs her friend.

aka i want Cass and Jason content

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One of Jason’s possible mothers was lady shiva (which always make me go WHAT??? to)

Au where Lady Shiva was actually his mother. She gave birth to two children and after seeing what little 18 month old Cassandra was going through decides the safest thing she can do for her second is to let him live in Gotham as a regular civillian with his father.

No one finds Jason because of his connection to Lady Shiva- but Batman does find him when he steals his tires.

Jason dies before his older sister. Looking for his birth mother and instead an imposter pretended to be his birth mother to sell him out to joker.

When Talia finds him wandering around Crime alley catatonic, she informs her friend.

aka i want Cass and Jason content

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It continues to get worse

Goon#2: I’m so sorry boss! I didn’t know they were a teenager when I sold to them!

Red hood, sighing: atp im not even angry anymore

Goon#3:thank goodness!

Red Hood: I’m just dissapointed. I thought after all these years…

Goon#2: OH GOD THATS WORSE BOSS! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!

Red Hood: Do better

The goons: Yes, sir!

*after Red Hood leaves*

Goon#1: the dad levels are so strong!!!!

-

Some child: *in danger and scared*

Jason, seeing his child self in the kid (canon btw): hey, hey it’s okay *acts like what his kid self needed because the levels of projection and need for therapy are so strong on this one*

Goon#5: his dad insticts… they’re kicking in…

-

Red hood, walking in to see his ‘organization’ messed up: What are you doing?!?

Goon#3, whose desperatly trying to fix it: uhhhh

Goon#5: Goon 3 tripped over your copy of pride and prejudice while carrying stuff

Goon#3: I’ll kill you

Goon#5: :P

Red Hood: *distraughtly trying to find his book*

Goon#1: Heres your book boss! Saved it while everyone was panicking

Jason, who was borrowing it from Alfred because they do book swaps: your my favorite goon now

Goon#1: *victory dance as all the other goons glare*

-

Batman: I am-

Red Hood: not supposed to be in crime alley

Batman, giving big kicked puppy (???) vibes: the kids want to see you at dinner :( Agent A requested it

Red Hood: the ‘kids’ ruined my case

Batman: Agent A made cookies

Red Hood: …

Red hood: yeah okay i’ll wrap up and go home

Vengence in the night, the scourage of the villain, Batman: *pleased vibes*

Goon#6, already texting the gc: Red Hood dadded the BATMAN!!

Goon#2, replying: Can’t believe Red Hood was so mad he almost missed Dinner with his Kids…

Oracle, who can hack gcs and thinks this is hysterical: im about to do something really funny *discreetly sends more evidence of Red Hood being ‘Batman’s Dad’*

-

*Red Hood, about to order something when the tiniest Robin bursts into the warehouse during the middle of the day*

Red Hood, frantic: what are you doing here?!? It’s a school day!!! (Jason loves school)

Robin: tch… it was dumb anyways… just some dumb kids… they don’t even know how to fight

Red Hood: Do you want me to text B or cover for you?

Robin: … I do not want to go back right now

Red Hood: okay, okay… why don’t we go back to my apartment and drink some vegan hot chocolate

Robin: i’d like that

(Jason, in his head: man im a great big brother- i remember when dick would take me out during school hours)

Goon#4: Oh my god, how many kids does this guy have?!?

Goon#5: who even gave birth to that many?!?

Goon#3: maybe theyre adopted?

Goon#4: no thats stupid they all have the same black hair and blue eyed features

Goon#5: …

Goon#3: you can’t think like that about our boss!

Goon#5: I didn’t say anything

Goon#3: I could hear your thoughts

Goon#4: I thought metas werent allowed in gotham?

Goon#3: no thats just a rumor- wait i meant metaphorically

Goon#5: …

Goon#4: …

Goon#3: can’t believe all of you misunderstood my one sentence I bet boss never went through people horribly misconstruing him!

-

Red hood: *visibly tired that morning*

Goon#4: Rough Night?

Red Hood: nah, just my uh… family broke into my apartment to watch movies last night because I ‘missed movie night’

Goon#5: *nods sagely* children amirite?

Red Hood: *snorts* they definitely act like children

-

*Black Bat kicks Red Hood in the face*

Red Hood, writhing in agony on the floor: ow owww what was that forrr

Goon#1, sympathetically patting his back: daughters, amirite?

Jason, thinking about Lady Shiva: I guess?

-

Goon#2: Boss!!!

Red Hood: ?

Goon#2: I… joined a knitting club some time back after you told me to quit being high and get a hobby… and uh…

Goon#2: *shoves a knit scarf that says ‘worlds okayest Boss’ but the B looks a bit messy like it was supposed to be a D but the B was hastily changed later from somethinng starting with D(ad) to Boss* okaythatsitbye *runs away*

Red Hood: what was that all about???

Red Hood, staring at the scarf and tearing up: I’m so glad I’m having a good effect on the community

The goon squad, from afar: *wiping tears as they watch Red Hood’s reaction*

-

Red Hood: *sighs* so I’m experimenting with different recipes to surprise my uhhh greatest inspiration (alfred)

The goons: *listening intently*

Red Hood: And I have extras.

Goon squad: *cheering*

Red Hood, embarrassed: shut up or I’m giving them all to the alley kids and not you!

Goon squad: *rush to grab it*

Goon#2: oooh i love the peppermint one! Very christmassy

Red Hood: *snorts at christmasussy like the immature 19 year old his is that no one pays heed to*

Goon#3: Is there coffee in this one?

Red Hood: just to bring out the chocolate flavor- one of the robi- uh younger ones is addicted to coffee and I’m not trying to give him an avenue

Goon#1: You’re so responsible boss!

Red Hood: *shocked and happy as this is the first time anyones ever called post mortem Jason responsible*

-

*finally at the reveal*

Red Hood: I have… something to show you *takes off his helmet*

goons: *open staring*

goon#5: wow you look… young for your age!

goon#4: drop the skin care routine

Jason, in his head: wow they must mean the six months I was in the ground for I didn’t realize it was that obvious!

Jason, out loud: Lazarus water

Goon#3, been hired for some weird stuff before: *gasps* no wonder old men are so obsessed with it!

Jason: *snorts*

Will Jason ever realize his goons think hes some kind of immortal old aged man with a great skin care routine (goon#5)/vampire (goon#2) /wereworlf (goon#3) / cryptid old man (goon#1) /gotham pollution gone well (goon#4 who got booed out)

find out next time in- what do you mean i dont get to make a show out of Red Hood goons?!?

Imagine in the beginning, before Red Hood's goons figure out that he is a baby, they think he is a single dad of a bunch of kids, instead. And it is not like they are wrong, since he does parent all kids of Crime Alley, but they mean not them. They mean Bats, instead.

No one is sure how old Red Hood is. But they saw a single white streak of the hair once, so he is... old, right? And these Batkids, they always hang around him, whining and asking for something - surely, it is his kids? Right? That gotta be it.

Red Hood: Now, back to- Sorry, I need to take a call. Goons: Sure, sir. Red Hood: What... Oh my god, Red. What do you mean, you don't know how to wash the carpet without- Spoiled brat. Okay, listen to me, you first need to get a really hot water... Goons: That's definitely his son being in troubles.

(It was Tim, who accidentally ruined Alfred's favourite carpet. He was in big troubles that day.)

Robin, appearing on the doorstep of Red Hood's den: Scram. I am here to see Hood. Goons, staring at little Damian: Hm-m. Red Hood, pushing them away: Bad day? (Damian wordlessly raising his arms to be picked up by Jason) Okay. It is fine. Goons: Hm-m-M.

Nightwing, whining: You are so boring. Why don't you want to play Twister with us this Sunday? Red Hood, rolling his eyes: Shut up. Goons, overhearing the conversation: Kids, am I right? Red Hood: Huh?

Goons, watching Batman and Red Hood shouting on each other on the rooftop: Hey, do we think Batman is also his kid?.. Goons: (thoughtful pause) Red Hood, completely pissed off by his dad in the meanwhile: I am TIRED of you. Go back to your stupid ass CAVE and think about your behaviour. I don't want to see you AGAIN. Batman: But- Red Hood: OUT OF MY TURF. NOW!!! Goons, staring at Batman, who walks away sulkily: ...HM-M.

Red Hood, staring at the "Best Dad" merch, given him by his goons on his birthday: I am confused. Do they mean kids from Alley, or they view themselves as my kids... What does it mean? Uh. Whatever. It is kinda sweet. Red Hood, on the next day: Thanks, guys. Very thoughtful of you! Goons, high-fiving each other: Sure, boss!

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The LOA Tim AU

I've considered.

Raven, Beast boy and Cyborg versions (aka Ebony, Boy of Beasts, and Android. I thought synonyms would be funny) of Teen Titans because they were the ones in the tower during the Jason attacks Robin Tim thing. Jason Mega tasered cyborg and beast boy but drugged Raven and wished her sweet dreams and I think that's funny. But also I wanted Tim to eventually join Young Justice for real. I have no idea how id do young justice LOA too

The regular Teen Titan versions still exist and they DO bump into eachother after the gang have to flee to gotham (and they all just live in Tim's apartment when not doing missions/work and Tim is SO DONE!!!) and it's kinda disorienting when the two pairs of teen titans exist except for the Beast Boys. The beast boys get along like a house on fire.

Tim backstory is in the link. He wears eye mask with Khol underneath and his skin is heavily covered because he is just so White. He's the whitest one here. Jason went to Ethiopia to find his birth Mom. He just tans. Tim, tho? Tim is like a burnt tomato and he hates it!

Tim uses spears because it's similar to his Bo staff in canon. He has so many spears. No one knows where he keeps them because they can only see the one!

Ebony (Raven) is the daughter of a demon metaphorically in this because Ra's Al Ghul is called the Demon yeah I'm using my thinking cap! Ebony's mother was on the run and tried to take her own life when some of Talia's goons stumbled upon her. Ebony was taken in as an infant and raised as an Assassin.

Her powers are from her mysterious unknown father and powered up because of all the Lazarus pit stuff. She has a tragic backstory and is in Talia's army now.

Boy of Beasts powers is music and animal based. You know snake charmers? Like that but with every animal and every instrument. He's kinda like a disney princess it's really funny.

He was about to be bit by a snake as a kid but he was playing music and charmed the snake. His parent's were bewildered and decided he needed this even more so. His parents the genetic scientists. They eventually die in a boat crash and Boy of Beasts wanders the desert searching for anything resembling civilization and keeps evading Loa Assassins- this somehow does not alert him to the fact he's near Nanda Parbat. He manages to impress them like that.

He doesn't know this tho and the first person he meets is Android! Boy of Beasts follows him relentlessly. He is vegetarian of course, from a young age. Even after joining the Loa he does not stop.

He inspires Damian in vegetarianism. my favorite part of the music talking to animals to save him powers thing is frantic running while trying to play a flute

Android is reverse of Cyborg. Regular teen assassin of assassin parents gets into an accident (where his mom dies) and while his physical body is 90% fine he wont wake up, instead Android the artificial intelligence/consiousness is used to try and help him wake up. Unfortunately his human consiousness never fully wakes up so it's like a robot in a mostly human body lol.

He has a giant sword because I think he deserves one.

If anyone complains about Ebony having Henna to hide her veins being green for being South Asian I will add South Asian runaway princess Celestial Flame (starfire) to this and she will do the henna patterns in girls nights in the canon! (/threat)

Yes i was a Teen Titans (2003) show fan how'd you know??? Maybe that's my entire motivation. (and beast boy my fav 5 ever)

Jason will still mega taser them as Red Hood

If anyone wants any more LOA versions of dc characters comment it I'm having so much fun making this stuff

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LOA Tim au

Damian: You are my father! Jason: You are NOT my father!! Tim, shaking: PLEASE BE MY FATHER (he needs his wattpad fanfics to become true)

the three genders

The LOA TIM au

Damian and Tim are trying to set Talia and Bruce up in increasingly cartoonish ways (Tim is going to be son one way or another)

Bruce: why did Damian leave me a note to come to this roof for 'important Batman duties'? Talia: Tim left me a note about a lead here.. *They both look up at the same time and do the spiderman meme* Damian and Tim: *watching from a perpendicular roof with binoculars* Damian: it worked now Father and Mother will have to talk! Tim: *takes out a note that says 'Step 1: Bruce and Talia in the same room' 'Step 2: realize theyre in love actually' 'Step 3: ????' 'Step 4: Successfully becomes step son'

Jason eventually finds out and starts trying to sabotage them because he doesn't want to become Bruce's son again

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This but also with Silly!Al Ghuls (every batman villain needs a turn with the silly)

Jason, watching with a sideeye as Ra's rants about Bruce not joining him: Oh so he get's a turn with the monologue but I don't!?!? Ra's: I'm not monologuing... Talia, from the side: yeah it's a soliloquy Ra's: I'm not alone? Jason: Oh, I wasn't listening Ra's: *goes on a rant about kids these days* Jason: yes, yes gramps. let's get you to bed

Jason practices his monologues in the shower. Problem? The pipes. are connected. and loud. Every goon already knows his monologues by heart by the time he uses them and they could cover the drain pipe but... it's really good live entertainment. Goon no3 is really invested in the ongoing plotline.

Talia: Aren't you supposed to be training? Damian, sitting beside the monologue drain pipe with his Assassin goon no 3 instructor: Elizabeth is about to confront Jane about her deception Talia: Talia: Has Elizabeth finally moved on to detective work after wallowing in self pity for 2 showers? Goon no3: Jane destroyed the evidence! Damian and Talia: No!

Talia's training of course includes analysing the classics as part of his training

Jason: this isn't even relevant to my revenge! I don't need to read- Talia, slowly taking out a dagger: mhm? Jason: I NEED TO ANALYSE! *slams fist on table* my favorite subject in school was homework did you know? Loved school. favorite subject.

Jason-theatre-kid-Todd, who physically cannot stop making dramatic speeches before taking down an enemy, which absolutely contradicts the way League of Assassins work, which in turn pisses Ra's Al Ghul off.

Ra's Al Ghul: I was going through reports. Why did the last mission take you... an hour and twenty minutes to finish? The target was right there - defenceless atop of that.

Assassin: ...General was speaking.

Ra's Al Ghul: How long his speech took?

Assassin: ...Let's say, he took the target down within twenty seconds.

Ra's Al Ghul: ...What a one can talk about for an hour and twenty minutes, for God's sake!!!

Ra's: Had you spoken to a kid? Had you reminded him that he is not under Dark Knight's wing now? That I won't tolerate talks about justice?

Talia: I, in fact, did.

Ra's: So? What did he say?

Talia: Do you want me to quote him or just to summarise it?

Ra's: Humour me. Be as precise as you can.

Talia: He said, and I quote: "Ra's can [indescribable string of curses that they had never heard before]"

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MY BOY!!!!

yk thomas wayne is having a good day in his grave rn- his SON DROPPED OUT OF MEDICAL SCHOOL!! HOW SCANDALOUS!!!

now his grandson on the otherhand… working in the same hospital as he did

dont drop out of uni to go fight crime guys stay in school

at least HARLEY didnt drop out of medical school and shes CRAZY! same with all the villains! notice how THEY didnt drop out bruce???

couldve waited to finish his masters first before becoming a themed costume person prowling the city like the rest of em!

Thomas Wayne almost crawled out of the grave to lecture his boy about dropping out there and then

DAMIAN NATION, WE WON. THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE!!!

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In which Dick!Robin is an actual Robin

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I think Jason should be allowed to manipulate his family with the "oh, you are my favourite, actually" line. It sounds very flattering to them (because Jason? Jason-I-Want-Nothing-To-Do-With-This-Family-Todd? Admitting you are his favourite? Oh, the hundred per cent bust of ego!) and more to say, this system of manipulation is eternal.

They can argue with each other as much as they want, but none of them would believe the other — Jason Todd is too tsundere to say something like this aloud, to each of them. So, someone is lying. For sure.

(And they are too self-assured in themselves to doubt that they are his favourite. Also, Jason makes every manipulation, specifically individual. So, it is not like he repeats the same confession and reasons. Very believable. Aka: this family needs someone to be open about their love, so they latch on everything and everyone who is willing to admit that openly)

Dick, slightly frustrated: Why are you asking me this favour? You know, I don't usually do these sort of things, I don't really... I don't know, it is too dangerous, I don't like the whole idea.

Jason, face dropping: Oh... Sorry. I shouldn't ask you, just... Dunno, I thought since you are my only big brother, and... Urgh, I guess I am still too attached to you more than to others. You are right. I'll ask Timbers or—

Dick, with his eyes suspiciously wet: oh-

Dick: NO, no. I'll do it. Don't worry. Big brother got your back, Lil Wing!

Tim, frowning: So, am I getting this right — you want me to hack into some system in someone's high school to fix the diploma of a kid who got a ONE bad grade—

Jason: He needs this scholarship. He is a kid of the streets! He can't do it otherwise, and it is not like the world would collapse if you fix one grade!

Tim: Yeah, I don't care about morals, I am just confused. Why would I want to spend my time on this, I am pretty sure—

Jason, dead ass serious: You know I don't like to communicate with this family. I only ever love talking with you, so sue me for thinking you could do me a favour.

Tim, instantly smirking: Ah, so I am your favourite... Well-well, big brother, I guess I can do this.

Damian: I am *not* going to tell you what our father is planning to do with this specific villain. Who do you think I am? An idiot?

Jason, sighing: Damn, and I really thought we had each other's back since League of Assassins.

Damian, scoffing: Emotional manipulation will not work on me.

Jason, all confused: Why would I manipulate you? From all people? I didn't raise you to fall on shit like this.

Damian: Tt.

Damian: Fine. Since, I guess, I owe you for babysitting me...

Bruce: Jason, I appreciate your... strive to help me, but nothing has ever gone well when you worked on cases like that. Let me handle this, and—

Jason, silently sitting down on the armchair, hands on his head: (sniff)

Bruce, panicked: Jaylad?..

Jason: I get it. I really do. No matter how much I love you, no matter how much I keep choosing you over anyone in this family, you don't love me anymore. I really understand it. I... I came in peace with it. I just wished you would tolerate my work... a little bit. You know?

Bruce: No, no, sweetheart, I— I am your favourite?

Jason, sniffling angrily: Who else it could be, old man?

Bruce: Oh. Oh, Jaylad— (instantly hands him the case)

(The family dinner)

Bruce, mentally humming to himself: Oh, these kids have NO idea that I am Jason's favourite because we are connected like that ^•^

Dick, mentally beaming: Oh, no one here has an idea that I am Jason's favourite because I am his big brother and protector! :>

Tim, mentally laughing evilly: Oh, these flops have no idea that I am Jason's favourite and that he wishes I was his Robin!

Damian, mentally kicking his feet: None of my family members suspect that I am Akhi's favourite because he was practically my nanny through all childhood. Tt.

Jason, munching on food: Lol

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Tim makes up rich people words to fuck with people. Just invents them on the spot and acts like its been real this entire time. hes really good at it

Steph played FNAF world without knowing FNAF lore or anything she just thought its a fun game

Dick keeps forwarding whatsapp messages about the Chernobyl disaster

Cass keeps going to food challenge places and then decimating the challenges and then gets kicked out for decimating the challenges.

Alfred loves those abhorrent jello creations that people used to be obsessed with waaay back. he will eat fish in green jello happily

when Duke feels low he purposefully shakes himself like a flashlight

damian hates tomatoes

jason loves tomatoes

bruce got kicked out of a place in college and tried to sneak back in in modern era but they still recognized him and kicked him out from like the library or smthig

What's your random batfam headcanon that makes no sense?

For me Dukes scared of cats, he likes them but whenever he sees a cat he automatically walks the other way

There is absolutely no reason for me to think this its just funny cause his suit reminds me a lot of a cat

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The League of Assassins were doing their normal nefarious things. Specifically in Gotham. Damian, Tim, Jason and Cass (aka all those related to league of assassins) were sent back in time to the 2010s with enemies hot on their tails. They need disguises that will fool the enemy but hopefully help them find their allies... with the power of music

Jason Derulo, Justin TIMberlake, lil Wayne/da baby (as deviously dubbed by them), and Cain short for Cain and Abel

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Reblogging to my batfam account! :D

sorry for long post didn't realize it'd get this long </3 any more content for this will be on this account tho! Since I didn't feel the rest would fit into the writing blerb

-

Damian wants to go see his father, Jason wants to terrorize their father, Tim is still trying to get adopted, becoming an assassin did not stop him.

Instead of immediately doing their own thing they keep invading spaces like invasive species.

Damian lives in the manor. Jason's supposed to be in crime alley. WHY ARE THEY STILL IN TIM'S APARTMENT! IT'S BEEN 4 YEARS GET YOUR OWN SPACES!!!!!

Jason is still mad at Bruce. WDYM TIM WDYM JOKERS ALIVE!?

Tim and Damian keep grabbing Jason’s hand to keep him safe while crossing the road. Jason is offended that his stupid Loa instincts are ALSO latching to their hands and making him think this is normal when it is in reality humiliating!

Tim keeps getting into wars with Oracle. They have a rivalry. Jason just asked if Tim could grab his Pride & Prejudice book from Barbie without getting caught since he missed it. Neither Tim nor Oracle remember this.

Damian keeps making cryptic remarks to his brothers in the Batcave to cause chaos.

Bruce is trying to teach Damian that even if your not killing them maiming is still not allowed. Damian yells that Mother and Drake (the villain/vigilante!?) allow him!

Tim is super creative so he goes by Drake btw like dragon (Red Robin name ;-; bros naming sucks)

Oddly, the Drake's child went missing 4 years ago...

Is... is Drake flirting with Batman!? (he's trying to slyly find information on what Bruce likes so he can set him and Talia up so he can be son once and for all)

Drake really wants to be adopted

Red Hood wants to be unadopted but it is illegal to unadopt sorry Jason I'm not making this up

BATFAM AU - LOA Tim au

-

Tim is prowling the streets looking for crime- sure Batman said no to him becoming Robin but the streets are a mess! Batman needs Robin! Gotham needs Robin! And if no one else is gonna step up then he is! He doesn't have a suit or training so it... has not been going the best so far! But he's going to get better! What Batman gonna do? Tell him to stop? Already didn't work the first time! Besides he strategically picked Crime Alley because Batman avoids this place!

It's not like he can just bump into Robin in the streets anymore!

Sounds of fighting! Just the thing Tim was looking for! He has his handy dandy camera to make evidence of crimes!

Tim edged closer to the fighting from the shadows- some poor guys about to get mugged! Then a fist went flying. But it wasn't his...

It was one of those guys off to the side who clearly had some tragedy lead them here who stare far off into the distance and don't seem all there... Fighting the clearly mentally ill guy- wait that's every Gotham rogue and vigilante- but you know what he means!

Tim was about to move when the guy took down the muggers with trained ease. Robin trained ease. Robin trained ease. He could recognize that fighting style anywhere!

Tim, out of habit, took a picture.

Robin finished up and started walking away.

"H-hey wait!" Tim followed him

Why was he pretending to be dead!?

Robin's head didn't even move towards him when he yelled.

"What-"

Robin stared at him blanky, not blinking, not responding.

"Wait are you okay?" Tim asked to no response.

Does Batman even know he's here?! He knows Batman doesn't know! Batman isn't anywhere near here!

Robin continued walking, almost walking into traffic. Tim shrieked and grabbed Robin's hand before he could walk off.

Oh my god!!! Is he a Zombie!?!? THERE'S A ZOMBIE ROBIN!!!!

They (Tim) waited for the road to be clear before walking.

Robin was going somewhere, what is he doing?

Robin went through the streets before going to what seemed like a condemned building.

Was this Robin activities?!

"For the last time get out of here you damn kids!"

It was not Robin activites

"You his keeper, kid?"

Tim wasn't but he nodded anyway, hoping to fish for information.

"Listen- I don't know or care what's wrong with that kid but keep him out of my house! I don't care if he used to live here."

-

Tim showed Robin his murder board photograph collection in an attempt to get any kind of reaction.

“They’re great photos right? You and Batman! Or Bruce I guess-“

Well. Robin did not like the photos it turns out! Because he froze for a second letting Tim yap before it processed and-

But it’s a win for Tim because he knows he’s right about Robin! Batman can just fix the rest and then he’ll be back to being Robin! Any reaction is better than the far off look right?

(Privately, Tim cried over his prized possessions)

(Jason felt something hearing that he can’t grasp enough thought to know what but his chest felt pain)

-

Honestly Robin being alive made Tim sigh in relief- he didn't want to take the burden of Robin but he couldn't see any other choice!

Now how to return to Batman...

If only there was a return to sender button

I know what you're thinking 'Tim you know Batman's identity! Just tell Bruce Wayne!' if only it was that easy... If only...

"Sorry Mr Wayne isn’t available for an appointment right now! He's currently-" off-world with the justice league "-In Paris!"

Tim sighed. Then double sighed when he saw Robin still sitting in the weirdest most uncomfortable looking position after 3 hours of calls.

"Why is it so hard to return you to Bruce!"

"Bruce"

"Yeah, yeah I know"

-

Tim casually leaned against the door to his room- why of all days was today cleaning day! He bartered off having a nanny when his photography (of Batman and Robin) took off but apparently he still ‘needed supervision to make sure he doesn’t kill himself’ from time to time! Disgusting…

His exnanny gave him a scathing look.

“Please I am only a teenage boy, I am just starting my teenagery as I am 13 I need my space you don’t want to go into my room right now!”

She sighed and Tim counted this as a win.

That’ll only work for one day though he’ll have to figure out something else tomorrow! Hopefully he won’t still be here by then so it’ll be moot point.

Thankfully Robin was malnourished and half dead so he wasn’t so big -hell he was just an inch and a half taller than Tim! though that makes sense since theyre only a year and half or two years apart! should he count the dead bit???- so he wasn’t hard to hide! The hard part was that he kept having panic attacks in small spaces… and then running off… and then Tim would have to find him again.

-

Tim wanted to go to bed. He wasn’t sure where to put Robin before that. He didn’t want him to be too far in case Robin runs off again! He can’t keep going back to Crime Alley! Or random park benches!

His bed is too small for the two of them though, as his parents were going to upgrade his bed to a teenager size one later this year…

“Hahhh, let’s just take my parents room it’s big enough.”

Wait oh god does Robin have enough mental capacity to change? Or take a bath?

-

Robin screamed and it jolted Tim out of his slumber.

“Bruce- Bruce-“ Robin was crying.

‘Nice to know he does remember’ a morbid part of Tim’s brain thought

“Hey- hey- it’s just a-“ this isn’t helping

“I’ll get you to Batman, okay? Soon- Just hang tight okay we’ll-“

Wait maybe that’s why he kept trying to escape at night! He’s following his old routine!

“Want to go find crime- Batman?”

Unfortunately Robin didn’t respond as he was still crying but Tim helped him up anyways.

Tim loves crime. Not doing crime- well doing a little crime- but mostly fixing it!

-

No luck finding Batman but Tim got to copy Robin’s moves live!

He also woke up as a undignified teddy bear the next morning which was not fun.

-

After the 15th call to Bruce Wayne’s personal number Tim was starting to get disappointed. Maybe a different route then…

Tim poked Robin's cheek repeatedly, in an annoying little brother fashion despite being an only child- spiritually he was an annoying younger sibling, "Hey do you know where Richard Grayson went underground to? Any place you two used to hang out?"

Robin grabbed his hand.

"Robin!!! I need that hand!!! How am I supposed to return you without it!!!"

Tim shrieked when Robin almost bit him

-

They were out and about in daylight this time so he couldn’t go calling Robin, Robin. Why on earth his brain defaulted to Brother instead of Jason is beyond him.

Probably that old lady on the bus who called him “such a sweet child for taking care of his brother.”

Thankfully (or not thankfully?) everyone would only stare for a minute before they saw Robin proper and realized and looked away. Which is probably how he wen’t unfound this entire time. No enemies but also still no allies…

Maybe he could try the police station! He’d try Batgirl but no one has seen anything of her in a long time… is she dead like Robin now?

Tim didnt realize his body clenched up at the thought until he felt Robin grip his hand back.

“Thanks Rob- brother of mine”

So they can’t just waltz in there and just ask to use the bat signal right? Besides the commissioner is there right now! If anyone were to catch him before Batman it’s that guy!

They did almost get caught by this red-haired wheelchaired civilian though- that was a close one! But thankfully they made it to the top…

“Whose there?!”

“Oh goddamn it-!”

Tim led Robin to the Bat signal, “Come on Robin! I have a great idea!”

-

“A rogue stole the bat signal?”

Gordon nodded, still feeling numb from the wrench to the back of his head…

Bruce felt a heavy wave of nostalgia and grief, “Jason used to steal from me and hit me with blunt metal objects…” Bruce sighed again. He misses his son. He wants Jason here. Jason would be laughing his ass off right now.

Gordon gave him a sad stare, “Hey if you need to take a step back I can handle this okay…”

Bruce can’t lose another son.

-

“WHY DID A POLICE SHOW UP INSTEAD OF BATMAN?!?”

Thankfully, he didn’t expect a child so Tim kicked him in the balls and ran.

-

“Okay so. It’s been a week. at this point I’m thinking we should break into Wayne Manor!”

Robin didn’t say anything but Tim felt Robin lean into him and that’s as good as he’s gonna get!

“If anyone has any objections to this raise your hand!”

Since Tim was presenting his solutions to his hoard of stuffed animals and a dead Robin no one raised their hand. Tim was satisfied with this!

“I rest my case!”

-

They only got halfway through the plan when they hit a stall.

Assassins!

Who even needs to send assassins against a half dead guy! He’ll die on his own without help!

Robin took one of them down but-

Tim shrieked as some tall lady grabbed him by the back of his shirt.

“This is interesting.”

Enemies found them first! Yayyy fun. Can you hear the sarcasm? because Tim is NOT HAVING FUN!!!

“My tails were following the little dead Robin when they found something of note,” she was looking down directly at him, “A child who out detectived the bat”

The other assassin successfully restrained Robin.

This would be a great time for Batman to appear out of thin air!

Unfortunately, Batman did have a track record for being too late to save his kids.

-

Tim tries memorizing every route they take at first, but as it becomes apparent he’s being taken outside of the country he isn’t sure what to do. Ro- Jason (Talia insisted) stopped being hostile as soon as the assassins stopped being hostile. Does he remember that they were hostile a few hours ago? Does he care?

Jason reached out and grabbed Tim’s hand like Tim did whenever they wen’t out in public, except there were no streets for him to walk into here.

-

Ra who did not want Tim at first but Talia persuaded

"Just the dead Robin would have been sufficient

"He will prove himself useful, father."

"He should hope"

Ra Al Ghul stared down at Tim. For some reason, Tim's spleen hurt. He isn't sure why exactly his spleen, but it hurts.

-

Tim is trained by the LOA, but his main role is gathering intelligence, and other detective-like things. His smarts is the reason he got noticed after all! Talia has a weird (proud) glint in her eyes.

-

Jason has been training as a bodyguard… nanny.

Jason has no clue but it’s really clear to Tim from the way Jason has been taught to swaddle this water balloon and hold it without popping.

There’s one thing Tim has found about Talia and it’s that she would go to great lengths to keep her loved ones safe. Like a baby.

Jason must’ve felt the eyes because he just said “Ball”

Another change with his training- Talia has been having him go through physical and mental therapy. He can say words now! But he has to be retaught them.

So far he has, “Ball” “Mine” and “Milkshake”

Tim’s tried explaining that all foods aren’t called milkshake but that just makes Jason stubborner. Thankfully Tim is even stubborner. Both of them will die on their hills.

-

“For being so smart you haven’t commented on that,” Talia said with amusement.

“Momma didn’t raise no bitch” well Momma didn’t raise nobody Tim’s mom was absent but still! He’s not gonna say that

“Ah, so you have true smarts, unlike my beloved- who can be so adorably dumb when it comes to women.”

Bruce Wayne worlds no 1 fumbler

-

Tim was on his first mission when Damian was born.

“Did Lady Shiva say yes?”

Tim nodded, “She also said congratulations.”

“And you, Tim?”

“…you look really good for having just had a baby?”

Talia huffed, “good, I would be disappointed if you couldn’t even find something like that out.”

She had not informed Tim, naturally. But he’s just a sneaky little guy.

“Come now, let’s go see Damian.”

Damian was swaddled and being held tenderly by Jason, “Mine.”

“Family, Jason we’ve been over this, Family. Remember this word, fam-ily”

“Mine. Family”

“Good enough.”

“He’s so tiny!” exclaimed Tim- he’d never actually seen a baby before. Only things like Richard Graysons baby photos!! This is so different from baby photos!

“Want to hold him?” Talia smiled at Tim

“Mine!”

Talia bonked him on the head, “Share!”

Jason, having long been program to listen to Talia and her progeny did not smack back like he would with anyone else.

Tim felt so nervous holding Damian but Talia and Jason were there so it’d be fine… or he’d get double murdered.

Damian spit up on Tim.

-

“What of the classics have you read?”

Tim shrugged, he kinda just skips school…

Talia looked pained.

“Jason Todd, allegedly, loved reading classical literature back in the day,” when in doubt, just drop a fact Tim shouldn’t be able to know.

Talia was too appeased to remember to force him to read any of them for a month.

-

Tim is starting to think Damian hates him.

He vomits on every one of his good shirts and he’s entirely certain it’s on purpose!

Jason doesn’t care about his poor shirts and keeps attending to Damian.

Tim continuously tries to teach Damian to throw up on Jason too to get back at him!

-

A shadow attacked Damian one night.

Jason tore the heart out of the shadow out, the movements were swift and graceful from training.

"Mine!"

Damian cried.

Tim didn't do anything, the shadows bore the signifiers of Talia's men after all.

Later he did raise an eyebrow when Talia asked them if they had a good sleep.

Seriously, she doesn't need to test them! Sometimes a guy wants a good sleep.

Talia's eyes held a hint of amusement at Tim's disgruntleness.

-

“Tim, if you see Jason letting Damian bite his fingers get Damian one of his teethers. I have no idea where Jason’s hands hand been.”

“Inside a guy’s chest as he ripped out his heart probably.”

“And where have those hearts been!”

-

“Come on Damian! It’ll be super funny! Mur-der”

“ummummummm”

“Mur-der”

“muragh!”

“That’s the spirit!”

Jason was sitting behind Damian, helping him sit up (even though Damian cat sit Jason is just a preprogrammed mother hen) while Tim desperately tried to steal first word from Damian before it could be “ball” or “mine” from mimicking Jason or “Mama” from Talia’s training. That’s why he needs this counter measure!

“Mur-der!”

“murrrr!”

A bird chirped and Damian was instantly distracted, crawling towards it.

Tim turned to Jason, scandalized, “Why’d you let him crawl away!”

Instead of Damian’s first word being the focus Jason went off to catch the bird for Damian leaving Tim with the Baby!

In the end Damian’s first word was “Robin” and none of them taught him this he heard it in passing when he. was chasing the bird as apparently it was a Robin bird?!?. It was the league of assassins version of a babys first word being “fuck”

-

Tim and Talia are on a mission. Tim informs Talia that his sources say that Damian has taken his first steps (towards Jason)

Talia is suddenly in a better mood for the rest of the day and the rest of Tim’s squad are very happy and keep thanking Tim for saving them.

Tim is climbing up this ladder fast, even without being a heavy hitter (he can still fight ofc he loves his Saintie, great for parrying)

-

Damian, Jason and Tim never really got out of the habit of sharing a cot, as Jason and Tim would have to protect more often then not at night- what between Ra’s and Talia’s own men. Tim still doesn’t trust that guy to sleep on his own.

Naturally, Tim and Damian have both gotten used to falling asleep to humming classic Crime Alley tunes.

Not for the first time Tim wonders what kind of things are going on in that brain. If he knows what hes humming.

He’s been here a while, he’s seen the lazarus pits. He wonders what would happen if Jason went in one. Would he be healed?

Damian has never known anything different.

-

Tim, chatterbox, Drake realized pretty quickly that Damian loved hearing stories. It was also helpful to trying to restore Jason's mind to say stories about the past- but the biggest thing was just that Tim's a massive Batman and Robin fan. Being in the LOA has not stopped him.

It's not like Talia minds- she just sighs dreamily at specific points.

Which is how Tim finds himself in the weird position of being inbetween multiple Al Ghuls and a dead Robin telling his stalker stories pretty often.

Talia keeps lecturing him on his format- as it's not good enough for her! Classic lovers...

-

Damian has started training, it's kind of funny to watch someone with such small limbs try to move

Wait is this how Batman felt watching his poor attempt to vigilante!?

Discreetly, Tim pictures for future making fun of purposes when Damian is 20.

Ra didn't even notice!

Tim adds this to his secret photos folder, still full of current Batman photos- oh and the new blonde Robin. He really want's to dig into it but Bruce didn't adopt this one.

-

Jason lost a lot of his ability to understand spoken word. But he can still understand emotions and body language. He's been thrown back to simpler mode of understanding, based mostly on instinct.

It's every human's first language before spoken language. Most forget but for some like David Cain's shadow, it is their first language.

They don't interact much but the few times they do is nice. Everyone else just sees two people sitting in silence and slowly leave.

Sadly, the shadow leaves soon. From the room and the league.

-

Tim really needs to do this.

He really needs do this work.

Why is Damian crying while he's trying to do work!?

Jason is holding him, which usually stops the crying.

"Bad training session?"

Damian sniffled, "I am the grandson of the Demon I never have bad training sessions!"

Tim nodded, "mmm really?"

"Maybe, you wouldn't know!"

Tim just stared at Damian until he caved. Tim's Very Done Look tm has gotten better these past few years.

"I couldn't kill MR- Mr.fluffy"

"Your favorite pet??"

Damian nodded.

"Well shit, I bet me and Jason couldn't do that either!"

Damian immediately scoffed "No need to coddle me Drake!"

"I'm serious"

"Really?"

"Dead serious."

Tim grabbed his hidden pile of photos and took out some Batman ones, "You know Batman thinks killing is shameful?"

Damian blinked, "Father?"

"Bruce," was Jason's helpful addon, which clearly means Tim's right.

"Yeah he has a no killing rule."

"So it's okay if I..."

"It's okay"

Damian didn't want to kill so he wouldn't.

No one else in the League of Assassins is okay with this but they don't matter. Besides, Talia and Jason would die before anything could harm Damian.

-

Tim's been on all kinds of international missions, so it's a bit of a surprise when Talia decides to switch it up a bit.

Jason's been sent to train internationally and Tim's stuck on babysitter duty for the foreseeable future.

Talia barely looked in his eyes. Something serious is going to happen and he's going to need to gather his forces. Thankfully, he's made many connections during his time here. Tim's just cool like that.

(League version of the Teen Titans consider guys guys-)

-

Damian’s aging in this is gonna be a little weird and I’m going to blame it on the lazarus water forcing him to physically grow quicker (because it speeds up healing and he's a kid, has the reverse affect on adults) while he’s being healed so my timeline makes sense. Oh maybe Jason too but he's only been like a few times so he just looks his chronological age. He’s just been in it oh so many times and its so sad and angsty and not all for the timeline! So it’s like 13-15-0 at the start and 16-18-6 physically for the sake of my sanity we dont need to think about things like “barely remembering anything after 15” or “being born 4 years ago” its not important

-

Jason wakes up in the lazarus pit very confused. He doesn't remember the last few years.

Tim and Damian try very hard to hide their dissapointment. They're very happy Jason is healthier-

"Do you really not remember?" the little kid stared up at Jason and Jason felt his heart pierce. Why does he feel so bad???

Why does he trust these people? It's hard to control his instincts with them- his instincts just turning into either putty.

-

A shadow comes near them and Jason instinctively growls and rips the shadow into pieces.

Okay so. His instincts is so different now?

"...are you okay?" Jason asked the two

Neither looked surprised or at all scared.

-

Something about his and Tim's height difference keeps making his thoughts fall into 'I remember when me and Tim were around the same height' before he goes 'WHAT???'

Damian walking and his stupid brain goes 'Damian's first steps'

What is this??? It's so weird!!

-

"So Jason clearly has some kind of memory of us it's just kinda buried," Tim informed Damian, thankfully they're two shadows Jason never notices.

-

Damian steals Tim's photo folder and shows Jason

It takes a while but Jason just gives up and accepts this is his life now

-

Jason stared at Talia with wide eyes, "Oh my god"

Talia tilted her head.

Jason gasped as clarity finally hit him, "You have an adoption problem like Bruce!"

"What?"

"He's right though," agreed Tim, who was conscious through the entire process. He's never actually known Bruce but that matches with his data that he'd be like Talia. They had to have somethings in common to have dated!

Maybe they broke up because Talia didn't know she was an adoptmaniac like Bruce. Tim looked over and made eye contact with Damian and they shared a little nod in understanding.

They could totally get Talia back together with Bruce and then he could be step son! It's one spot removed from his old wattpad fanfics but it's close enough!

Though he really wishes people would stop leaving hate comments about Batman's secret identity being Wruce Bayne...

-

Tim was telling another story to pretending not to be starry-eyed Damian and pretending not to be listening Jason.

Jason kept giving him the funniest look when Tim detective Drake knew things he shouldn't. Tim would just smile and Jason would grumble under his breathe.

It's going great even with Jason being such a drama queen after being bathed in Lazarus water.

Tim opened his mouth to continue when Jason stomped over in dramatic outrage, "Your format sucks! Have you ever even analysed books???"

Classic lovers.

-

Tim decided to force the classic lovers to talk to eachother instead of bothering him! At least Damian doesn't interrupt him!

-

Things are going on in the background that neither Tim nor Talia appreciate.

Talia doesn't need to tell him, Tim starts finding discreet ways to change locations.

-

"Come on guys! We need to go!" said Tim as soon as Jason snuck back into their room after a mission

"Uh-"

"Tim is right- it's no longer safe for you here," said Talia who was also here- shit it must be important then... Not just Tim being crazy...

Jason nodded and went to grab Damian when he noticed something off and paused, slowly turning back around, "Tim... where's your spleen?"

"Ra has it"

"...I have several follow up questions"

"No time- we need to hustle!"

And like that they're on the run from everyone, making their way to Gotham again. It's been years since Tim has been home.

-

"YOU TRIED TO BECOME ROBIN????" Jason turned to face the back of Tim's head, whisper yelling (he can't yell properly because Damian is asleep with them)

"You were dead!" Tim whisper-shouted in defence, "Batman needed a Robin! Everyone was too devastated after your death to Vigilante properly!"

"What do you even know about Robin?"

"So much-"

"You're a trust fund baby! You've never even slept on the streets!"

Tim turned to give Jason a scathing glare, "Were sleeping on the streets right now!"

"My point still stands!"

Damian rolled over in his sleep and hit them both in the face.

-

“Robin me could beat Robin you up,” declared Jason, the next morning.

Tim gasped in offence, “Robin me would beat Robin you up!”

“With what? your face being so ugly I die instantly”

“…I was gonna say crowbar-“

“WHAT”

“But I’m gonna go with doxxing”

“Too soon Tim!”

“It’s been 4 years!”

“It’s been like 4 months for me!”

Damian, who was casually eating his breakfast, looked up at Tim, “Wouldn’t doing that make you a villain not a Robin?”

Jason grinned, all teeth, “He’s right! It’s Robin vs Villain Tim!”

“It’s not villainous-“ “Villain Drake would win” “what?” “what?”

Jason made a wounded noise.

They went back to eating their breakfast.

Chomp chomp chomp

nom nom nom

chomp nom nom

nom…

Jason suddenly stood up, “WE NEED TO MAKE VILLAIN COSTUMES!”

Tim stared up with judgemental eyes.

“What??”

“For when we return to Gotham!”

“Why would we need Villain Costume’s-“

“I call the coolest costume!” Damian demanded immediately

Jason nodded placatingly, “We’re gonna be the coolest! I’m gonna call mine Red Hood!”

“Because your League outfit has a red hood?” asked Damian with innocence

“Wait why should we be villains?!”

Jason stared at Tim like he was dumb, “So we can make villain monologues- duh”

“Nerd.”

-

Staring at Gotham, as they got closer and closer. Tim wonders why he ever agreed to this.

This is the dumbest villain costume.

Why can’t they just be vigilantes!