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[nightwing-bootylicious]

A conversation I had today

Dick: quick, give me a philosophical question

Tim: is ketchup gay?

*pause*

Dick: well I mean it's fruity so....

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I could be wrong because I'm not an expert on all the different versions of canon, But I'm like 60% sure the reason Dick got "placed" with Bruce is because he needed to be put in immediate Witness Protection. He couldn't stay with the circus until his parents killer was caught, and that ended up taking a lot longer than they thought was gonna happen. Bruce volunteered to take him when Gordon said that Dick was potentially in danger and needed to be taken to a safe place. A big mansion with an ex-military butler seemed to be a MUCH safer place to hide a kid than a traveling circus.

i wonder how many social workers bruce paid off over the years.

like?? broken bones. busted lips. black eyes. these would’ve been hotlined for sure.

even ignoring the injuries, bruce wouldn’t have been a first pick as a foster placement. like with dick specifically, you’re supposed to try to find a family friend to stay with before you look for strangers so i feel like dick should’ve been placed with someone from the circus. but instead bruce wayne, a 20-something billionaire. i bet bruce has the gotham city department of social services in his wallet. i bet every year there’s a rookie social worker fresh out of college determined to take bruce down but it never works bc bribery talks in gotham

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Batfam as things I've found in my Snapchat memories

Cass: when I die, I want to be buried in the dirt without the coffin, under a tree sapling so my decomposing body can feed the earth, just like god intended.

Steph: so... without the peel?

Cass: yes, without the peel.

-

Alfred: oh, you're finally dating, master Tim? How nice. Was this an... online thing? I've heard that's possible these days.

Tim: oh good no-

Duke: yeah, he mail-ordered the guy in from Colombia.

-

Roy: yeah if you want I could cook us a Philly feese chake?

Jason: a... a what?

Roy: a Philly shreds steak?

Jason: oh my god you idiot--

-

Harper: who else brings their plushies to their tattoo appointments?

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Damian: *points a ketchup bottle at Dick* I am holding you at ketchup point. Give me that sandwich, or there shall be dire consequences sir.

-

Babs: looking at these tiktok videos makes me wish I had a motorcycle girlfriend

Dick: I'm so sorry I can't be your motorcycle girlfriend.

-

Bruce: the phrase "don't throw penis cheerios at me" is not one I was prepared to hear today.

-

Duke: *choking while eating sweet tarts* of all the ways I imagined offing myself, this was not one of them-

-

Steph: hey, what up with this random cheese tray?

Alfred: oh, you know, master Bruce went to a eulogy this morning.

Steph: huh?

Alfred: *does not elaborate*

-

Dick: I accidentally swallowed a fruit loop ring whole and now I'm having an emotional crisis

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Batfam as things my friends have texted me

Jason: Why do we say “stupid” when we could just say “Tim”

Damian: I wasn’t kidding when I said you’d scare my gecko

Steph: Just switch lives with a dead person

Cullen: Batman… capitalism… same thing

Dick: Do you want to hold toes with me?

Harper: the body of cheese makes the mind believe.

Cass: I have no idea what baby means

Duke: Safety pins and a monkey attack? The guy can’t catch a break

Jason: You call it bad at darts, I call it freestyle acupuncture

Roy: Just relax, it’s like a permanent nap

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Batfam as things my friends have texted me (again)

Damian: I saw a camel kill a guy

Steph: he's like a Walmart Zach Efron

Bruce: Just so long as everyone is equally unhappy

Jason: Potatoes, toothpaste—Oh! They left me behind!

Dick: I pet my foot

Tim: Don’t you pee on my muffin

Steph: You farted on my muffin!!

Damian: I need to borrow your legs-

Dick: everyone is doing so much with water today.

Tim: It’s tired and I’m early

Bruce: I was running an obstacle course with someone on my back while being chased by hungry squirrels

Duke: Either he’s a virgin, or it’s a female

Tim: During a murder, the murderer laughs while the murderee stays quiet

Dick: I could be upset anyway, but now I can be upset with a badge!

Jason: I sneezed when I farted

Babs: I’ve seen your butt in the worst shape it’ll ever be in

Duke: Why are you awake?

Damian: Because I woke up

Harper: I think he’s still bioluminescent. But he’s not magnetic though, found that out last year

Tim: You may not believe me, but I believe me

Babs: I mean this in the best way possible, he looks painfully generic

Jason: Fun fact, I can’t pee in North Carolina

Tim: There’s no such thing as a fish

Steph: We’ll sacrifice the children to the air fryer!!!

Damian: Like, the great cat detective?

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Batfam as things my friends have texted me (yet again)

Steph: Did any of you like the taste of flour when you were young?

Babs: Save your files as Jesus saves you

Dick: What can I say, I’m an icon

Damian: you're supposed to stay quiet when you get murdered.

Jason: Would you like a clump of children?

Selina: Sir, sir, my ring finger is awfully barren right now, you have a spare ring around?

Cullen: Everyone gets a butt

Kate: Can I tell you that I’ve always wanted to marry a jazzy frog man?

Tim: I wish I could control my toes more

Duke: Dear Heavenly Father, we definitely haven’t eaten yet… please bless that this food will give us abs

Jason: Use grammarly to see how bad you at English

-

Steph: I love snape as an obstacle course in a kids amusement park

Cass: I love snape as a rock

-

Babs: maybe if I concentrate hard enough, I can teleport to the top of the stairs....

Duke: Have you ever seen macaroni bounce off the floor?

Tim: Turns out you do need water to live

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[nightwing-bootylicious]

Trinity doodles

(Click for true resolution)

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I never really wanted the heroes to be in this but I thought this time it would be funny. You may or may not see them again idk yet

Part 6 part 7

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Ketchup and Mustard ❤️💛❤️💛❤️💛

best duo ❤️💛

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dni if you have no whimsy and no joy for the miracles found within the mundane

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Batfam as things my partners roommates say while streaming.

Steph: like a tortilla, I flower at Dawn.

-

Jason: fuck that cook, im trynna brawl.

-

Dick: is the boogy man still alive? Eeeblech.

-

Tim: oh that's ME dying auhgh

-

Cass: he keeps igniting me... dumbass.

-

Damian: oh no, I drove.

-

Duke: yo... I am shredded, what am I doing?

-

Dick: I was DANCING!

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Bruce: oh no, he's gonna do the thing.

-

Babs: well I WAS gonna get the mission done, but you guys are just so damn weird.

-

Jason: the way this guy rolls? It's just DIFFERENT.

-

Tim: get the FUCK away from my maiden.

Bernard: FUCK your maiden, AND your family guy!

-

Steph: I hate Olaf. Olaf is... Gay. *spooky voice* Olaf is gayyyyyyyyy

-

Damian: HE CANT HELP ME KILL ANYONE, HE'S DEAD!

-

Babs: I see youuuuuuu

-

Steph: Push that button!! Do it! Do it! Do it! DOOO ITTTTTTT!!!!

Cass: what does it do?

Steph: oh I have no idea.

-

Harper: check your privilege.

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Batfam as shit my mother and I say on this road trip, Pt. 6

Steph: ah dang it, I squeezed out too much lotion.... Dick, you want some?

Dick: I already did my face.

Steph:

Steph: *smears it on his face anyway*

Dick: gee thanks.

-

Jason: I'm probably going to get a bunch of tickets for this.

-

Damian: cows!!

Steph: beef!!

Damian: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!

-

Barbara: this is why you've been banned from the craft stores.

-

Store associate: can I help you find anything?

Jason: well, you know how it goes. I'm just waking in circles looking for trouble.

-

Steph: look at me. Cass. Cass. Cassandra. Look at me. Look at me. Cass. Cass look at me.

-

Harper: holy shit... putting cinnamon bun frosting on pancakes is the single greatest idea IHOP has ever had.

-

Dick: Frying Pan road? Seriously?

Duke: They really just ran out of names, huh?

Jason: or someone had a drunk day at the office.

Steph: or they ate some bad brownies...

-

Barbara: Google... where the fuck am I?

-

Duke: robins eggs are just m&m's with foam in the middle.

Jason: well maybe I like my m&m's with foam in the middle.

-

Steph: what the hell? She murdered my muffin-

-

Dick: *badly attempting to teach Bruce how to use instagram*

-

And that's the end of the road trip!!! Thank you all, I will start some new "incorrect quote" threads soon!!!

[nightwing-bootylicious]

Batfam as shit my mother and I say on this roadtrip, Pt. 5

Any one of the Batfam: hey, where is my [insert object here]

Steph: well if it was up your butt, you'd know it.

-

Cass: *accidentally disappears into the crowd, without meaning to*

-

Bruce: *awkwardly stands in the gift shop doorways, watching his kids go nuts over the shitty plastic stuff*

-

Jason: I'm so sick of pizza.... *three hours later* hey do you want pizza?

-

Duke: am I a bad person for eating a whole giant cookie??

Dick: food is not earned. Food is enjoyed. Eat everything.

-

Dick: we need to be there around nine am, so-

Steph: AM?!?!

Dick: yeah, so we need to be up and going around 8-

Steph: if you're going to wake me up at 8 in the morning, you BETTER have a can of Red Bull in your hands.

-

Steph: *gets down on the floor to put her sneakers on* oooooooaaaaf-

Steph: classic dad noise right there.

-

Bruce: *wrangling his children* I'm a ticket. A ticket to the crazy show.

-

Tim: hey look... i didn't even drink my Red Bull i made you buy me...

Bernard: and yet you've been up and active! Look at you go!

Tim: I whined and cried about it, but I did it!

Dick (gray) and Jason (Blue)

-

Jason: *unironically buys all his friends comically large pencils*

-

Dick: *grabs a double of every free Pamphlete he finds at museums for Cass to have pretty pictures to look at*

-

Bruce: I'm doing 80 (mph), what more do you want from me?

Damian: 110?

Bruce: excuse me?

Damian: I am joking... obviously.

Bruce: if you ever get caught going 110, you're paying your own car insurance.

-

Cass:

-

Art Museum worker: half of the second floor is closed due to a new installation being set up, but there's a children's activity center and some local student artwork up there as well.

Steph: thank you!!

Steph: is it weird that I kinda want to go do a little kids activity?

Tim: do it, you won't.

Steph: *to the attendant* hi. I'd like to make a print?

Attendant: ok! You're going to draw what you want on this piece of paper, then we're going to trace that onto a piece of foam, ok?

Steph: ok!!

Steph:

Steph: I want to draw something kinda silly.... hey kid, what's really silly?

Little girl: *giggles* sticking your tongue out!

Steph: that sounds like a great idea. I'm gonna draw a picture of Damian with his tongue sticking out.

Steph: *drawing the outline*

Steph: does this look good?

Little girl: yeah!!

Steph: fantastic.

*later*

Steph: dude.... you are NOT going to believe this....

Tim: what's up?

Steph: I tagged Damian as the print I made of his tongue sticking....

Tim: did he demand you take it down?

Steph: worse.

Tim: worse?

Steph: he made it his profile picture.

Tim: HE FUCKING DID WHAT?!

-

Duke: they're called smart phones for a reason

Duke: although at times they can be INCREDIBLY stupid.

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Batfam as shit my mother and I say on this road trip pt 4

Duke: hey look, they have these tractor tours, where they-

Dick: 🎵🎶SHE THINKS MAH TRACTORS SEXAYYYYYYY🎵🎶

-

Bruce: Dollywood is only open on the weekend, we aren't going to make it this trip-

All the bat kids: NOOOOOOOOO

-

Steph: alright squirt, we're going to have to get up a little early tomorrow to make it to the Dolly Parton Stampede, so-

Damian: it is a vacation. I will wake when I wish to.

Steph: if you get there early you get to pat the horsies.

Damian:... I will set an alarm.

-

*at the National corvette museum*

Jason:....

Jason: is that a fucking Batmobile????

-

Tim:....

Tim: sorry, what did you say? I was daydreaming about cookies.

-

Harper: how do you spell "Vietnamese"?

Jason: Vi-et-na-mese. Just how it sounds.

Harper: ...

Harper: hey siri-

-

Steph: *tries to order spaghetti in a Gotham accent*

Waitress: .... huh?

-

Tim: *texting* hey guess what

Bernard: *texting back* chicken butt?

Tim: I bought you something at the gift shop :)

Bernard: ooooh what is it

Tim: not telling :)

Bernard: asshole.

-

As opposed to-

Steph: *texting cass* hey I bought you something at the zoo gift shop

Cass: I LOVE ZOO GIFT SHOPS!!!!

-

Duke: I just wanna see how expensive a pair of cowboy boots is....

Duke: ...

Duke: oh god no.

-

Jason: I still wouldn't pay for that if it was 70% off, much less 50.

-

Alfred: there is a wait signal on the sign, we will cross when it tells us to.

Damian: the green light is for a blocked off road. No is going anywhere.

Alfred: I suppose some rules can be broken with logic...

-

Damian: *tries to take pictures of every single dog he sees so he can keep a logbook of the popular breed per area. And also to have pictures of dogs*

-

Cass: *gives nasty looks to every single person on the street who gets too close. So basically everyone.*

-

Babs: I take it your alarm didn't go off? It's 9:02 and you're still bed. You were supposed to get up an 9:00.

Steph: I hit snooze. Leave me alone. Please.

-

Dick: you're not going to... change?

Tim: what, did you think I packed nice clothes or something? There's nothing but tshirts and sweatshirts in there.

Dick: *appalled*

Part Three

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Batfam as shit my mother and I say on this roadtrip, Pt. 3

Babs: you know you don't need to buy Cass something at every single gift shop, right?

Steph: But I love her!!

-

Bruce: the screen is frozen... why is the screen frozen?

Clark: have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?

Bruce: I'm not a child, Clark, I can figure out how to use my own damn phone.

Clark: it worked, though didn't it? Didn't it??

Bruce: ...............yes.

-

Dick: *is the one to constantly remind everyone to use the bathroom every time they stop so they don't have to add extra stops*

Tim: *is the one who thinks he's fine and five minutes later realizes he has to use the bathroom*

-

Steph: why did none of my Polaroids of the zoo turn out good? They all look like they're undeveloped....

Steph: OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO TAKE IT OFF INDOOR MODE

-

Dick: are we in the smoky mountains? I'm pretty sure we're in the smoky mountains.

Babs: I don't know let me Google it...

Babs: dude. That's on the complete other side of the state.

-

Bernard: quick!!! That sign says Deez Butts!!! Take a picture, quick!!

Tim: Damnit! The finger sensor didn't work fast enough, I missed it.

Bernard: fucking hell. This is bullishit. I wanted a Deez Butts picture!

-

Steph: argh... I know I set out clothes for tomorrow, where are they?

Babs: here, clean off the bed and dump everything out of your bag, and you'll find them.

Steph: ok....

Steph:

Steph: they're not in here! How could they possibly have disappeared, I never left the room last night so there's no possible way they're not in this room somewhere, Jesus Christ, I'm going to have upend everything in this room until-

Steph: oh.

Steph: they were on the bench. Under my bag. The whole FUCKING TIME-

-

Damian: *laughs maniacally at the touch tank in the aquarium*

-

Bruce: I wonder where the Kentucky derby actually takes place...

Jason: Tennessee.

-

Dick: I could buy literally everything in this gift shop.

Duke: Bruce gave me a credit card before we left, so we probably could.

Dick: seriously, don't tempt me.

-

Jason: is that a bull, or just a cow with markings on the side of its head?

Duke: do I look like a cow expert to you?

-

Tim: *films a video of a statue, slowly zooming in on its butt*

-

Dick: I have to look at everything in the store twice, just to make sure I didn't miss anything.

-

Cass: *is writing down the days events in her journal*

Jason: *is falling asleep listening to a bootleg South Park soundtrack playlist on shuffle*

-

Dick: I don't care if it's shitty and plastic, I'm not leaving Nashville without a cowboy hat.

Part two Part Four

[nightwing-bootylicious]

Batfam as shit my mother and I say on this road trip pt 2

Alfred: we are not stopping at any more craft stores, I forbid it.

-

*they pass a billboard for a reptile expo*

Damian: I wish we lived here... so I could go to the reptile expo.

-

Tim: man I love podunk towns. Especially their gas stations.

-

GPS: *gives directions*

Jason: thank you, Gladys. [the lady who invented the gps]

-

Dick and Roy: *intense argument about their recent diets and shit consistencies*

-

Cass: *is driving*

Steph: you're too close to that car. [repeat x100]

-

Duke:*reading road signs* Sheetz Diesel?

Steph: what? Someone sheetz diesel?

Jason: you sheet diesel.

*20 mins later*

Duke: hey guys, look at the sheep!

Jason: Steph is a piece of sheep.

Part One Part Three