#(i fucking hate it AND it's my favorite manga because of what it has meant to me for almost twenty years.)

[forcebookish]

at a point in my fandom life where if someone says "it's not perfect but--" my instant response is yes it is

[hauntedhokage]

it would've been sweet

Past!Sae Itoshi/F!Reader, Oliver Aiku/F!Reader

word count: 12.8k (fuck, i’m so sorry)

summary: You would never come before soccer. 

But you let yourself pretend that he was spending time with you because wanted to, not just because you were around and he was bored.

warnings: angst, unrequited love, unprotected sex, sae is terrible at feelings, rin is better but still bad

note: this is not a love triangle fic. kinda jumps around from “present day” which is about 3-4 years after where we currently are in the manga, right after Sae leaves for Spain, to the start of the manga when the blue lock program started. I tried to make it obvious where time settings changed without labeling but i know it’s different perspective wise since i literally wrote it. This is also based on my own personal canon that Rin softens up a bit as he gets older and that he and Sae never make up. 

[ao3][ko-fi]

“What do you think?” The question has you looking up from the mirror to where your boyfriend stands, dressed up and clean shaven, which has you tilting your head. “Is it bad? I tried to match your dress, and-“

“No, baby, it looks great! Just don’t recognize you when you don’t look scruffy.”

“The rugged look gets all the ladies,” he comments, coming closer to place a gentle kiss to your forehead as you sigh. “I know you hate these things, but I appreciate you going so we can suffer together.”

“Yeah yeah,” you mumble playfully, earning yourself a kiss. “You just like seeing me dressed up.”

“That’s just a bonus. You look just as beautiful when you just wake up, wearing my jersey, or naked, or-“

“Alright, lover boy. We’re going to make the car wait too long.” Your scolding has him helping you to your feet, mindful of the heels you had on as he guides you out of the bedroom of the hotel suite. It was going to be a long night of talking to soccer players, soccer executives, and their guests about soccer - your least favorite thing to talk about in detail. 

You honestly hate soccer. 

It was the source of heartbreak, your first and only, and you let the stupid sport continue to contribute to your emotional pain. Maybe you’re a masochist; continuing to surround yourself with the sport despite loathing it entirely, dating a man who played professionally, and wanted you at all of the events he could get you to. 

Supporting your best friend as he traversed professional soccer while hating what it had done to both of you. What it did to his brother to cause both of you the worst emotional pain of your lives. 

There are times when you think about Itoshi Sae, mostly when he comes across your television before you change the channel. He was once your best friend, with a chance that there could’ve been more had he not gone to Spain. But you’d never come before his soccer career and, at thirteen years old you couldn’t dream of asking him to stay. Not for you. All of Japan would have crucified you for trying to hold their treasure back from the greatness that came with the world stage. 

But that didn’t stop you from wishing things could’ve been like they were before. When you were both happy and he actually seemed like he enjoyed soccer and you enjoyed watching him. Back when he had appreciated you and your support, back before he went to Spain all those years ago. 

Time passes, though. He made his choices, destroyed his relationship with both you and his younger brother like it was nothing to him. Switched to midfield, changed his dreams, acted like you meant nothing to him. He was still revered on the international stage, still loved by Japan, and deep down perhaps you still loved him too. But that wasn’t something you had time to think about, you had a life to worry about. 

He certainly wasn’t thinking about you, why put energy into thinking about him?

It was easier to just say that you hated soccer, even though both you and Rin knew what that statement actually meant: you hated Itoshi Sae. 

You knew you’d never come before soccer, but still you felt special that Sae would make time for you between his busy soccer schedule. Granted most of that time was spent in school or just a half an hour before or after school, but it was still time he made to spend with you , specifically. He didn’t talk to just anyone, but he talked to you. A perk of being his neighbor since you were five, you supposed. 

Recovery days from the strict training regimen spent either at his house or yours, meant to be studying for exams but instead taking turns watching videos on your phones. His were always related to soccer, insane hat tricks and compilations of the best strikers, while yours tended to be more on the funnier side or were cake decorating videos since he found those to be relaxing. 

You were at every match, cheering him and his brother on as they dominated the pitch and wishing the best for their careers. They loved soccer and loved playing together, Sae always telling you in private that he did see a future for himself and Rin in soccer at the national level. Playing for Japan as the best strikers in the world, exchanging passes until they got to the World Cup - hopefully Japan’s first so they could mark a huge claim in the history of Japanese soccer with one of them scoring the winning goal based on a pass from the other. 

Sae meant the world to you, but you always knew that you’d never come before soccer. But you wouldn’t want to, he deserved to chase his dream and you wanted to support him through that as you trusted he’d support you in yours. That’s what friends did. 

You loved Sae, and you felt deep down that he loved you too. But you’d never come before soccer. Especially not when he was recruited. Just thirteen years old, not even in high school yet, and he was going off to Spain. Japan’s Treasure, your treasure , and he was leaving you to go pursue his dream. As he should, and you don’t feel bad about it. 

After all, you knew you would never come before soccer. 

You didn’t go to high school alone, you had friends outside of Sae to hang out with, but you still felt so lonely. To go from talking to him every day, watching him play and practice with his brother, to just…nothing? It sucked. You still go to support Rin, watching his matches at the very least and tutoring him when he swallowed his pride and asked , but life without Sae felt empty and you hated it. 

“Have you heard from him?” You ask after a few months of radio silence from the elder Itoshi brother, and your heart drops when Rin shakes his head. “Oh, I guess he’s really busy then. I know he has to learn Spanish too, on top of practicing.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he’s just busy. He’ll call when he gets time.” Was all Rin could say, and you give your own nod of agreement before pointing out that he forgot to carry the four. “Wasn’t thinking.”

“You never do,” you tease, ruffling his hair and earning a startled “hey!” from the younger brother. “Always thinking about when you can go kick the ball around next, when you should be thinking about these entrance exams.”

“I know I’ll get the minimum score required to get into my school of choice. Soccer will carry me the rest of the way and then I won’t even need to worry about graduating.”

Always following in his brother’s footsteps, Rin was chasing his own dream that he shared with Sae. His optimism was inspiring and infectious, bringing a grin to your face before you redirect him to the practice questions you’d provided. For a kid so talented at catching the right angles to kick the ball and score, he sucked at geometry. Maybe he was better suited for physics. 

Rin joining you at the high school was nice, you felt better knowing that he wasn’t starting school alone, even if he was just as lonely as you were without his brother around. Sae was irreplaceable to both of you, and yet neither of you had heard a word from him - not even a text at Christmas or either of your birthdays. He’d been gone for about four years, and you still waited for him when you should’ve given up. Any sane person would’ve given up, but you still had a deep love for Sae. Whether that was as your friend or if you had genuine feelings for him, you’d never figured it out before he left, but you hoped distance truly made the heart grow fonder and he’d do something about the fact that he’d cut you and his brother off completely. 

And then you get the news you were waiting for. 

“He’s coming back soon,” Rin comments as you eat lunch together, on a bench under a tree where you always ate together. “Something to do with his passport is what my mom said, but he’ll be back in about a month.”

“I’m sure you’re excited to see him again,” you comment, trying to ignore the butterflies in your stomach at the thought of seeing him again. Sae coming home was huge, and you couldn’t wait to hear about what he’d gotten up to while in Spain. You’d watched almost every single one of his matches, even bought a jersey to wear while you watched him play. A long distance good luck charm is what you’d sent to him when it was delivered - a text that got no response from your best friend. 

The snow was falling when Itoshi Sae was meant to return. Out of respect for the family that missed the eldest son, you don’t stop by their home for a few days. When you saw Rin at school he was visibly upset, more closed off than he’d been just a week ago when he was practically vibrating with excitement at seeing his brother again. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” You ask after school, watching as he adjusts his gym bag on his shoulder while you put your shoes back on. “You’re clearly upset, Rin.”

“He gave up on our dream. That’s all there is to it.” 

You don’t believe that, but you know better than to pry into Rin’s feelings. The fact that he said anything was enough, especially as it related to his relationship with Sae. It was just unfortunate that the brothers who were once so close now had an entire ocean between them, both physically and in their relationship, courtesy of Sae. 

‘Sae is in town again. My mom said he asked about you.’

It wasn’t unusual to get a text from Rin, Sae’s intent to put distance between him and anybody who might’ve loved him had brought you closer to the younger Itoshi brother and maintained that relationship even as he went pro. It was now Rin’s jerseys that you collected and wore as good luck charms, anything with Sae’s name tucked away in a box so you wouldn’t have to look at it since you couldn’t bring yourself to throw them away. Even the stupid notes you’d pass back and forth with him in school - you’d kept everything. 

‘Respectfully, I do not care’

‘You do though. I’m not stupid.’

‘You are, I remember tutoring you dummy’

That gets a thumbs down reaction from Rin, and you sigh when your phone lights up with Rin’s name and picture. He couldn’t leave well enough alone, it seemed. Neither could you, most days. 

“Rin, please let me pretend to not care,” you request before he can even attempt a pleasantry. You know why he was calling, and you didn’t want to bring up the feelings you were trying not to deal with. “I ask for very little of you aside from a discount on your merchandise and for you to tell your teammates I said hi and am currently single.”

“You’re fucking annoying, y’know that?”

“You tell me every day. Now what do you want, I’ve got exams to study for.”

“I’m also in town at my mom’s request. It’d be nice to see you.” There was another shoe that hadn’t yet dropped, you knew there was always another shoe when Rin was around. He didn’t like that being his reputation with you, but there was nothing he could do about it when he was…the way he was. Much better than when he was a teen, though, but still awful. “My mom said that Sae was also going to try to get a hold of you. But I wish he wouldn’t.”

There it was, the other shoe. 

“What happened to not giving a fuck about what he did?”

“You’re still not over him. Seeing him isn’t going to make that any better, no matter how hard you try to ignore it, and I don’t want him to hurt you.”

“Rin, it’s been like eight years, give me a little credit please? I don’t want to see him, so I won’t.” It should be that simple, Sae didn’t know where you lived, so he couldn’t hunt you down. You’re sure his mom might’ve told him where you were going to school and what you were studying, you always caught up at Rin’s big matches and when you were closer to home for the holidays. She always treated you well, and your continued closeness with Rin made her feel better about how her youngest son was doing emotionally. You were like her bonus daughter, Rin’s older sister figure, a member of the Itoshi family complete with Christmas gifts and calls on your birthday, which was fine since Sae was never home for those events anyway.                                                         

“But you’ll see me?”

“You’re buying lunch, Rinnie. Or maybe a nice dinner? Haven’t decided.” But you know how it’ll turn out. Rin sitting on the floor against your couch with some horror movie playing as he betrayed his diet for once with sodium rich takeout that he’d complain about eating in the morning. Rin was predictable, unlike his brother who had always surprised you.

You never told Rin that Sae had texted you on your last birthday. Wishing you another healthy year, standard greeting for a birthday. You agonized over it for six hours before finally deleting it so you wouldn’t have to look at it again, knowing that responding would open a door you didn’t think you wanted to go through. Maybe he got the memo, but you’re not sure that Sae ever got the memo despite how smart he was.

“You’re a brat. But I wanted to make sure you weren’t crying because his name came up.” He knows you too well and you hate it, but you do appreciate that he cares in his own rude way. 

“You’re such a jerk. I’ll see you when?” 

“Tomorrow, unless you’re busy.”

“Tomorrow is fine. I’ve got class but that’s in the morning.”

“See you at noon. I’ll pick you up.” And then he hangs up on you, never bothering for pleasantries like saying “goodbye”. Those few seconds are extra time he could spend in the day working on his dribbling, or something stupid like that. 

But unfortunately he’s right, the mention of Sae bothering to ask about you - having the nerve to want to see you - after almost ten years of silence was incredibly frustrating to the point where you can’t stop the tears from welling up or the dam from breaking so your tears could flow freely. Your notes were ruined, teardrops making the ink bleed on the paper which would make you need to redo the page. 

In another universe, the one where at some point he chose you , he’d be right there studying with you. You wouldn’t be crying over him again, you’d be at the very least happier. He’d be teasing you in his own dry way for putting off your studying, and for teasing his brother so much. You think that you’d be having much more fun in that world where Sae was with you and not married to a soccer ball. Maybe he would’ve married you instead?

But he’d never choose you over soccer. He’d never be the one who chose you over the pitch, that just wasn’t Itoshi Sae. Trying to think of a world where he put you first was stupid and a waste of your time. You had exams to study for.

You tried to avoid him while he was back after what he’d said to Rin. Renewing his passport is what his mother said, and you understood that to be a somewhat lengthy process so you knew he’d be around for a while. At least a week or two, maybe longer depending on his paperwork. 

But in all your effort to avoid him, you end up running right into him on your way home from a mall trip with your friends. Rin wasn’t around, he’d gone off to some soccer camp, leaving you to do things with other people and without him tagging along in the back so you wouldn’t have to walk home alone. 

If Rin had been there, you’re sure he would’ve clocked Sae and directed you down a different street. But Rin wasn’t there, and you’re face-to-face with Itoshi Sae while snow falls between you. It was cold, about as cold as his eyes when they met yours, and you want nothing more than to go home but you’re sure it’s not going to be that easy. Sae was never easy to deal with, even when you were friends. 

“Hey.”

“That’s it?” you ask, rolling your eyes when he shrugs. “You’re gone for four years with no contact and all you have to say is ‘hey’?” 

His expression doesn’t change, and you feel yourself only getting more frustrated at that. It shouldn’t be new to you, he’d always been on the drier side, but given the history that he chose to write - the chasm he’d put between you - you can’t help but be mad. 

“You still cry when you’re upset. That’s a habit you should try to break.” 

“You do not have the right to say anything to me about what I should or shouldn’t do, not after what you did.” That gets at least a change in expression, a glimpse of an emotion crossing his features as you adjust your gloves. But as soon as it’s there, it’s gone. He was always very good at masking his feelings. 

“You act like there was an obligation to keep in touch.”

“That’s a joke, right? We had been friends since we were five and you say there was no obligation to stay in touch ? I knew and understood that soccer was always your priority, but you could’ve at least sent a text . If you didn’t want me in your life anymore, all you had to do was say so and I wouldn’t have spent four years worrying about you.” Your voice gets softer as you speak, your eyes no longer able to meet his as you feel the geyser of emotion start to bubble up in your chest. “But you made it crystal clear, so I won’t waste any more of your time. I have to get home.”

“Let me walk you.” 

“I’d rather walk into traffic,” you retort, stepping around him so you can continue on your way home. “You don’t get to pretend to care just because you’re back in town. You’ll leave as soon as you can, I’m sure. You clearly were happier when you didn’t have to see me every day.”

“You’re impossible.” 

“That’s rich, coming from you.”

“Can you stop for a minute?” The request actually makes you stop, but you don’t turn to look at him. You can’t, not when you’ve been crying because he sucks as a human being. “I wanted to see you, when I didn’t have to.”

“You also hurt your brother when you didn’t have to . Did you come all the way back for that?”

“What happened between Rin and I is none of your business.”

“Then what happened in Spain that you came back like this? This isn’t you , Sae!” You have to look at him now, need him to see just what he’d done to you. Before he left he hated it when you cried, even if it was at a movie, but now he looks unfazed at the tears streaming down your face. Who was he now? Just some soccer machine? “I want my friend back.”

The conversation ends when Sae closes the distance between you. The kiss is harsh, needy, but exposed a truth in both of your actions and that truth was in experience. You both had been kissing other people, and you’re not sure how to feel about Sae trying to date. Hypocritical for sure, but could you be blamed?

“That doesn’t fix anything ,” you murmur when he pulls away, and he only sighs as he comments on how frustrating you were. “And I don’t forgive you for hurting Rin. I won’t ever forgive that.”

“It’s still none of your business.” 

“Just fucking walk me home.” At this point it’s best to give him what he wanted. Arguing with Sae wasn’t easy when you were kids, and it’s obvious that he’d become more difficult while he was away. 

You never told Rin that Sae kissed you that night. 

Rin had left for Blue Lock at that point, telling you that his new goal was to destroy Sae and you’d only nodded as you wished him luck. At that point you only understood it to be a potential recruiting session, with the expectation that he’d be back in a couple weeks. 

Instead he was gone for months, and you saw a lot of the elder Itoshi brother in the younger’s absence. You never told Rin about that either. 

Quiet evenings with Sae watching you study for classes he’d never have to take, his own book in his hands and letting you sit in slightly uncomfortable silence. You don’t ask about Spain, you don’t talk about soccer in general because you hate that he used his experience with soccer in Spain to hurt his brother. But it “wasn’t your place” to intervene in their sibling quarrel, so you leave it all alone. You tell yourself that you don’t care, but the way you care for Rin tells you that you needed to in order to protect him since he was like a younger brother to you. Even if you were trying to protect him from his older brother. 

You let Sae spend time with you, you let him take you to dinner and make tea for you, you ignore your parents' questions about why he was around after you’d spent so many nights crying over him. You didn’t know, but you knew that he’d hold your hand sometimes while you ate in private and always left you with a kiss on the cheek on your doorstep. Sometimes you exchange kisses that escalated into heavy makeout sessions on your bedroom floor, and other times you sit in silence while you work at your desk and he stretches on your floor.

It was everything you had wanted from Sae, but you knew that you were simply a placeholder and nothing more. He was only around to see what the Blue Lock Program could produce, to see if a half decent striker could rise up to represent Japan and make their soccer decent for once. Once his curiosity was satisfied or disappointed, he’d leave again since his passport had been renewed. You were just a way for him to pass the time while he waited for something interesting to happen. 

You would never come before soccer. 

But you let yourself pretend that he was spending time with you because wanted to, not just because you were around and he was bored. What hurt you more was the fact that you were okay with his selfishness, because it meant spending time with him almost as if he’d never left. It meant for some purpose he wanted to be with you . 

Until he didn’t want that. 

You never told anyone how Sae told you after the loss in the match against the Blue Lock Eleven that your relationship to Rin was holding his brother back. How Rin would never rise to meet his own goals when you were tying him down to you. How Sae himself knew you would hold him back and that he’d be going back to Europe to play for a decent team. The words you’d always feared he would say cut so deeply after the months you’d spent at each other’s sides, and that’s when it truly has set in that you were a convenience to Sae - someone he knew would always take him back despite the pain he caused you - someone he could use and throw away as he pleased.  

Rin never knew what Sae had told you while he was in Japan last, and it was for the best. Rin had felt defeated after that match, hearing that Sae was more interested in Isagi than his own brother who was working so hard to exceed his brother’s level of talent. Knowing that Sae had stomped all over your heart would only make Rin more homicidal in his play style, and he needed a break from additional emotional issues. 

And four years later you find yourself laying on your couch with Rin sitting on the floor in front of you, takeout container in his hand while you play with his hair. He’d doze off on the floor soon, the food coma kicking in and you’d finally look at your phone where a text from Sae sat waiting for a response. He’d sent it the night before, asking if he could see you while he was around. You think about what it would be like to have both brothers on the same page again, to have Sae spending time with you consistently, to be happy with them both in your life. 

But you know deep down that soccer would always come first to Sae. You can’t forget or forgive what he’d said to you four years ago, but maybe he’d actually apologize for how he’d treated you if you saw him? But was it even with seeing him if that wasn’t a guarantee? There wasn’t even a guarantee that it’d be a pleasant meeting, Sae just sucked like that. 

“You’re thinking too much,” Rin comments, tilting his head back against the couch cushion so he could look at you. “Oh, that’s the Sae face.”

“I do not have a ‘Sae face’.” Your retort is met with the familiar deadpan stare you often got from Rin when he thought your argument was stupid. He only sighs in return, and you try to adjust your expression to be less like whatever it was previously. “What does that even mean?”

“You look like someone kicked your dog, to start. You’re also crying.”

You were? Rin reaching up to wipe them away had you embarrassed, mumbling about allergies even though you both know that was a lie to save face when you didn’t need to do that for Rin. Sae had him just as fucked up as you, the last time they met on the pitch resulting in a heated exchange that made worldwide sports headlines for weeks. You’re surprised Rin didn’t risk a red card to play more aggressively against his older brother, but the yellow card he did get was worn like a badge of honor when you scolded him for it later. 

“I’m sorry Rin. He texted me, is all, and I don’t know that I want to see him. Last time I saw him, it didn’t end well.”

“Does it ever end well with him?”

“No,” you mumble, letting him sit you up so he could get on the couch with you. It’s not long before you’re laying on him, head on his shoulder as he reminds you that you don’t need to see Sae and definitely don’t need him in your life. You were about to get your degree, and a job out of it too based on the internship you’d finished, and you did it all without Sae. Neither a of you needed Sae, and you both understood the universal truth: Sae would always choose soccer first. Before his brother and certainly before you. Putting effort in when you know it won’t be reciprocated was for fools. 

“Seeing him might give you closure, but you need to figure out when you’ll stop running back to him and giving him that power over you.”

“You’re annoying when you’re right.”

“I’m only saying that he only does this to you and I’m getting sick of it. You can make your own decisions, but I don’t like seeing you cry over him. We’ve done too much of that.”

You had, and Rin truly was annoying when he was right but you know you’re lucky to have him - someone who knew exactly what it felt like to be pushed aside and put down by Itoshi Sae. By someone who once cared so much and wanted to see you succeed, then flipped the switch and became the biggest asshole you’d ever met. What you’d do without Rin, you weren’t sure. 

“Thanks for putting up with me all this time,” you whisper, tears welling up again but this time because you’re so grateful for him. He’ll hate it when he realizes you’re crying again, but you think this time he’ll keep it to himself. 

“You’re my big sister, putting up with you is kinda my job,” he murmurs, kissing your head as he adjusts his back. “But I cannot sleep on this couch.”

“ You put us here, shithead.”

Despite all your best intuitions, you text Sae back. You do tell Rin that as he’s leaving your apartment the following morning, and he leaves you with the suggestion that this be the last time you communicate with Sae. There isn’t an ultimatum there, but you know that you can’t keep allowing Rin to clean up the messes Sae left behind. Despite your close relationship and mutual understanding of how much it sucked to be emotionally fucked by Sae, it wasn’t fair to Rin that he picked up the additional emotional labor that was you crying over his brother or looking like you wanted to cry at the mention of him. You had a “Sae face”, for fuck’s sake - that could not last.

It’s always cold when you see Sae as adults. Mostly because it was the mid-season break in the middle of winter, but you also find it fitting that the weather fits how you feel the conversation should go. Indifferent, signaling the end to a one-sided friendship and the way he continued to keep you at arm’s length. Sae never felt warm, even down to the way he looked at you, it was a cold indifference that made you feel like you were stranded in the arctic with no way to truly understand what you did to be left that way. But you’re here now, standing in front of him as he watches you, not a sliver of interest in his expression that made you feel like he wanted you there despite the request that you come see him and make the time for him that he never made for you. 

“Hey.” Your greeting is about as level as you can manage, trying to maintain the cold indifference he always met you with. He looks tired, moreso than usual, which has you concerned but not enough to ask. He wouldn’t ask you if you were okay, that same courtesy should not be extended even if the words dance on the tip of your tongue with a need to be bitten down to keep yourself quiet.

“It’s cold out here, we should head into the hotel.” And he’s gesturing to the lavish building to your left, the building you hadn’t noticed because Sae gave you tunnel vision. “I don't have time to get sick.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” But you follow him anyway, loosening your scarf as he leads you to the elevator before your gloves come off to get tucked into the pocket of your coat. You aren’t sure how long you’ll stay, but you’re not trying to overheat either. 

“My mom says you’re almost done with university.”

“Yeah, I graduate in the spring.”

He only nods as the elevator stops, and again you’re following him down the hall to what is only the second door you see in the entire length of the hallway. Lavish hotel, lavish suite, you’d expect nothing less of Japan’s Treasure. Your boots are carefully removed before you take off your coat to hang up, acutely aware of how Sae watches you as he does the same. He was always watching, and you hate the way he could figure you out in seconds but never let you into the locked vault that was his brain. There was so much you could’ve learned if he’d just reciprocated some level of trust, but the last time you understood Sae was when you were in middle school - before Spain, before Blue Lock, before he broke your heart for the first time. 

“Why’d you text on my birthday?”

“It was your birthday, wasn’t it? It’s polite to do that.”

“You haven’t done that in almost ten years.” 

He gestures to the table on the other side of the suite, two plush chairs waiting for you both to sit and talk. That’s what Sae wanted, you supposed - to talk for the first time in four years. So you sit, tucking one leg under your body and nodding when he offered you some tea. 

But then he’s quiet; watching as you sip at the tea provided, holding the mug in your hands as a way to close yourself off from him. He couldn’t hurt you if you didn’t let him in to do that. 

“I want to make one thing clear, Sae.” You finally break after a couple minutes of unsettling silence, setting your cup down on the coaster before folding your hands in your lap. “I don’t have time to fuck around so please just get this over with and call me a stupid and hopeful girl that’s holding you back so I can go home.”

“Is that what you expected to get?”

“It’s the last thing you said to my face, so yeah.” He only nods at that, knowing that there was no denying that statement. “I can’t keep doing this, letting you show up every four years just to butter me up and then tell me to fuck off. I can’t keep trying to be your friend if you can’t even give me five minutes that I deserve when you’re not benefiting from it directly.”

He’s silent, and you continue to sip your tea while letting him process that. After a moment he stands, still saying nothing as he crosses the suite to get to a small box that sits on the dresser in the room. It looks expensive, a cherry wood case that is set delicately on the table in front of you. It’s as he sets it down that the sleeve of his shirt rides up a bit, revealing a familiar braided string of yarn that you’d made at a scouts camp. It was much too worn to be anything else, and your hand catches his wrist before he has the chance to sit down again. 

“You’ll spill your tea.”

“Shut up,” you whisper, setting the mug down with your free hand before dragging your index finger along the bracelet until it catches the two beads that were braided side-by-side into the yarn. Black and white, “like a soccer ball” is what you’d told him all those years ago, and the way he smiled as you tied it around his wrist made you feel something your eight year old heart hadn’t been able to compute. “You still have it.”

“I’ve always had it. I only take it off to shower.” He speaks so softly you barely hear him, the hand on your cheek bringing your attention away from the bracelet and to him as he squats in front of you. “And I know I’m a piece of shit, Rin made sure to tell me at our family dinner a couple nights ago, but I guess I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you and I’ve had you with me like you kept me with you all this time.”

“Why didn’t you ever just say that?” Your question has him sighing, and you look at him expectantly as he averts his gaze to look at the box instead. “If you’ve known all this time that I wanted you and you kept this - why not just say something?”

“I guess I just have to complicate everything.” You know that’s a joke - it has to be an attempt at one - and you can’t help but shake your head before you also look to where the box sits on the table waiting for you to open it. “I got this for you, putting it in the mail felt too impersonal.”

You don’t comment on how impersonal usually suited him just fine, not wanting to kill whatever moment you were having as your hands leave him to carefully open the box. You’re not sure what you’re expecting, but to hear an old pop song you’d enjoyed while he was spending time with you while Rin was at Blue Lock wasn’t it, and the tears well up in your eyes as it’s fully opened and you see a very old picture of you with Sae at one of your birthday parties pressed into the lid. Cake frosting on your face as you’re laughing, Sae’s finger still covered in frosting in the frame as he looks so proud of himself for getting you like that. Printed onto glass, a memory that you’d never forget because that was when Sae was happy , and preserved somewhere other than your heart (and apparently with one of your parents).

Then he pushes a button on the side of the box, the soft base lifting slowly to reveal a bracelet that looks so much like the one you’d made for him all those years ago. Only where he had two beads, this one has a small metal plate with a date on one side and you turn it when you see kanji on the other. 

“‘Thank you for being my harbor’?” 

“You’ve always been a safe place for me to come home to. A harbor for me to dock in. Even when I suck.” The explanation makes you chuckle as you wipe some stray tears from your cheek, commenting about how he spent too much time looking at the ocean while you watch him turn the bracelet over in your hands. “This was our first day of kindergarten. The day you decided you were my best friend.”

At that moment you don’t care about his career or potential for injury when you launch yourself at him. Arms tight around his neck as he barely catches you in time to cushion your fall as he hits the carpet below you. 

“I didn’t think you had a heart,” you tease, earning a huff from the man below you but no other comment. “Thank you, Sae.”

“I’d try to stay for you.” His voice was almost so quiet you didn’t hear it, and you can’t stop yourself from kissing him in your excitement to hear him say that.

“You mean it?” You don’t get a verbal response, instead his lips reconnecting to yours in a kiss that was less exciting but not lacking in passion. A warmth that rarely emanated from Sae made you feel like you were on fire, but he always made you feel like that when he kissed you. “Sae-“

“Don’t think too hard about it,” he instructs, hand coming to rest on the back of your neck. “Do you want this?”

“What is this ?”

“Currently? I think sex,” he mumbles, kissing along your jaw where he could reach in this position “After that? I’m not sure.”

“Yeah, we’ll figure that part out later,” you murmur, tilting your head back to give him better access to your neck. “But now, sex is good.”

You hate how easily your shirt comes off, his task that was exploring your neck barely interrupted by pulling the fabric over your head with your bra following shortly after. You have to sit up to allow yourself the space to undo the buttons of his shirt, and he helps you by starting from the bottom to complete the task faster. The shirt and his undershirt are shed quickly after he sits up, his hands then occupying themselves with your breasts as your mouth meets his once more. Your hands undo his pants, fumbling in search of his length that you’d felt getting hard beneath you while you were kissing him. It’s easy for him to push you both up while he bridges his hi[s, supporting you with just one hand while his other helps you push his pants and briefs down so you’d have the access to him that you wanted. His length is hot in your hand, a soft groan escaping him as your hand blindly explores previously uncharted territory.

“Is someone sensitive?” you ask, smile on your face as he scoffs. Your own pants start to get wiggled down your hips, and you cooperate as he adjusts your body to ensure he could get your pants and panties off without needing to pull too far away from you. His ability to manhandle you shouldn’t be surprising, considering the intense strength training all professional athletes worked through, but for it to be Sae shuffling you around with little effort was something unexpected. Maybe it was because you consistently still pictured him as the same young teenager, the untainted version of Sae that loved you, but you can’t dwell on that when you feel a couple fingers slide through your slick folds. 

His fingers ease into your cunt, it seemed like he was trying to match the easy pace of your hand with his thumb rolling against your clit shortly after your thumb runs along his tip. Like in all things, Sae is meticulous and observant and he worked diligently to get you ready to take him. He felt big in your hand, but without having a proper look at his cock you’re not sure if he was over or under preparing you so you’re trusting him while his fingers work expertly inside you. It’d be weird to ask how many people he’d been with, considering he clearly didn’t care how many people you’d been with - did it actually matter if you were here now? Probably not, but you always worked overtime thinking about what Sae was possibly up to without you. 

“Ready?” He’s asking you as he pulls his hand back, but not looking at you as his attention is redirected to your neck and shoulder. “Don’t wanna cum in your hand, would rather do that inside you.”                                                                            

“Condom?” you ask, wincing at the way his teeth gripped the skin at your jawline, before he let out a hum that sounded like a no. 

“Not necessary.” The confirmation of his thought has you smiling, bumping your head against his as he looks up at you. 

“How do you know I don’t want to trap you into giving me your money to raise a prodigy child?” you tease, earning yourself an exasperated sigh as he nips the shell of your ear. 

“You’ve had access to Rin’s money for years and all you ask for are jerseys and tickets.” You’re mad that he knows that, but you’re sure that Rin has probably thrown it in his face once or twice that you don’t ask for much at all outside of basic human decency and how Sae couldn’t give you that. “He’d give you anything you asked for, maybe not a kid though.”

“He can’t give me you.”

“He’d kill himself before agreeing to that,” he murmurs, peppering kisses around your cheek as he eases you onto his length. “Gonna take all of me? I know you can.”

You could, but not without effort. Sae wasn’t excessively girthy, but he was longer than others you’d taken. You liked that you were on top, having more control over this despite his hands on your hips guiding you down as he whispers in your ear how well you were taking him. You don’t take his entire length on the first pass, but he’s still enamored as he leans back against the bed to properly take you in. 

“You’re really pretty when I’m stretching you out like this.”

“Only when you’re fucking me?”

“All the time, you’ve always been pretty,” he responds, hand around your neck to keep your gaze locked on his. “But this is something special. Not just anyone gets to see you like this.”

That much was true, you were selective about who had access to you despite working overtime in college to do whatever you could to forget about Sae. You think mostly it was to keep your image clean for Rin, despite him never asking for the intimate details of your life that could tarnish your image in his eyes. 

“Thinking too much,” he scolds, gently tapping your cheek to refocus your attention on him and only him . “You wanted my attention so bad, be good for me then.”

“You chased me this time,” you counter, rolling your hips against his and pulling a hiss from between his teeth. “So shut the fuck up.”

“Bossy,” he murmurs before pulling you in for another kiss. It’s more calculated than you’d expect for having his cock buried in your cunt as his hands help you ride him. There was a universe where you and Sae were like this all the time, you’re sure of it. One where you’re happy and in love with each other to the point where you can’t keep your hands off one another. A universe where it didn’t take eight years for him to say that you meant something to him - where he didn’t run from experiencing a human emotion to maintain a cool composure on the field. It was probably a world where he didn’t play soccer, and would probably never be the universe you lived in currently. 

“Why are you crying?” he whispers, the hand that wasn’t holding your neck carefully rubbing your side in an effort to calm you down. You have even realized that you were crying, how embarrassing. “Does it hurt?”

“No, it’s okay,” you murmur, trying to reassure him as you continue fucking him, but you know you don’t believe it. “Thinking too much, like you said. Missed you a lot, y’know. This is nice.”

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t think so much,” he comments with a sigh, brushing his nose against yours as you shrug. 

“Do something about it, then.” 

He moves quickly at your challenge, your back hitting the plush carpet with a soft thud as he changes the position so he was on top. Your hands settle on his chest as he kisses you, the coil in your stomach tightening with every deep thrust into your pussy. His kiss is sloppy, needy and so uncharacteristic of the usually very meticulous man you’d come to know and love but hate most of the time. 

“Sae, please,” you whine as he pulls away, cheek pressed to his as he presses his face into your neck. 

“Keep saying it,” he requests, nipping and sucking at the skin he can get to as he pounds into you, one hand gripping your leg to bring it up to his hip for the deeper angle that has you seeing stars. “Let the whole hotel know who’s got you.”

“S-Sae,” you moan, his hand finding your clit bringing a choked gasp out of your lips that has him grinning into your skin. 

“So good for me, you like the way I fuck you?”

“God, fuck yes!” You’re thankful his suite is so large, preventing many, if any, people from hearing how desperately you were missing for him. “S’good Sae.”

“I know,” he grunts, the sound coming from deep in his throat and sending a shiver down your spine.  “Fuck, you feel great. So good for me.” 

Your core continues to tighten with every thrust, signaling the beginning of the end for you, and you hope he’s also close because you’re not sure you could handle any more. You didn’t have the soccer stamina like he did. 

“Sae, I’m gonna cum.” That gets his attention, leaving your neck with an open mouthed kiss before he’s looking down at you again. He’s smiling as his hand pushes your hair from your face, kissing your forehead as he feels your walls begin to constrict around him. 

“Come on, baby, you can cum for me,” he murmurs, hands cupping your cheeks as he forehead rests against yours. “C’mon, beg a little bit for me as you do, yeah?”

“Sae, please,” you whimper, gripping his forearms as he grinds his hips into yours. His pelvis rubs against your clit with every stroke of his hips, his own normally controlled gaze unfocused as he feels his own end approaching. “Sae- yes, fuck - SaeSaeSae please. I’m gonna-!”

His moans are less intelligible as he tries to hold out through your orgasm, you barely make out your name among a string of curses until he finally stills as warmth floods your core. One small thrust followed by a second push his seed deeper into you, the press of his lips kissing away the tears that had rolled down your cheeks.  

“The floor is not where I’d wanted to do this,” he murmurs but you only try to shake your head because you truly did not care. “You okay?”

“You’re going to have to check for a rug burn, but I’m good. More than that.” Your assurance comes as he pulls out, helping you to sit up before pulling you to your feet with him so he can help you to the bed on wobbly legs. He tells you to stay put for a moment after laying you down, and you watch from the bed as he leaves for the bathroom. 

When he returns, he turns you on your back so he can check your skin for rug burns as requested while his other hand brings a washcloth between your legs to clean up the mess he’d left. Always striving for efficiency was Sae, and you appreciate the care he puts into getting you ready for bed. You honestly wouldn’t have expected that of him but, then again, this entire night was something you wouldn’t have expected from him. 

“You look fine.” Is all he says before placing the softest of kisses between your shoulder blades, bringing a smile to your face before he goes to put the washcloth back into the bathroom. This time when he comes back he pulls you into his side, letting you rest your head on his shoulder while you continue to bask in the afterglow of having sex with Sae. 

“Are you okay?” you ask, uncomfortable with the sudden silence despite the way he was relaxed beneath you. It wasn’t odd for him to get quiet, but after sex it felt odd. Was he regretting it, or trying to figure out how to ask you to go back home? What if this was all for him to get some closure he was looking for?  

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just thinking.”

“Want to share with the class?”

“You asked what happened in Spain, and I never told you,” he murmurs, hand rubbing your back as you look up at him. “Never told anyone, really.”

You hum, gently tracing patterns on his chest with your fingertips as he sits in the silence. You weren’t going to say anything that could break his train of thought, not wanting to destroy whatever vulnerability he was going to extend to you. 

“It’s different when you leave Japan. I know Rin has probably told you about some of it, but him exploring at seventeen or eighteen was vastly different than being thirteen.”

“I’m sure. You had to learn Spanish too, right?”

“I did, which is fucking hard when your English also isn’t great.” So at least you were right about that much, the stress he was likely under was unimaginable. “My translator worked overtime.”

“I’m sure.”

“But I think the worst of it was just how alone I was. A child, so hyped up and for what? The rug was pulled from under me very fast; not speaking the language created a lot of barriers for me, along with my age and obvious inexperience with how the real world works. Thought I knew everything, but I didn’t know shit.”

“I mean, you were just a kid still, did they not-“

“They didn’t care. I could’ve been a toddler and they wouldn’t have given a shit. And they taught me quickly that everything you have can be taken away from you. I guess initially I didn’t want them to try and take you, too. Then it was just, everything changed. I had to change my entire mentality about soccer to succeed there and it took over. And I can’t break it, or else I break my soccer.”

“You realize that’s not a good excuse to have acted like a complete dick for the last ten years, right?” You ask, propping yourself up to look directly at him. “Like all you had to say was ‘Spain sucks, I’m miserable, and I don’t want to push you away but I know I suck’ and I would’ve tried to understand more. But then you did the rest of it, and did irreparable damage to Rin and I.”

“I know,” he sighs, his eyes closing as you roll yours. “I know, and nothing I can do will fix that. You just wanted to know, and I owed you that.”

“You’re pretty hot when you’re vulnerable.” Your attempt to lighten the mood lands, earning a snort from the usually collected Sae before he opens his eyes to look at you again. “I’m serious!”

“I’m sure,” he mumbles, settling more into the bed while trying to pull you back down into him. You don’t let him get you easily, pulling back against him so you could continue that eye contact with him. 

“Are you sticking around this time?” The question has him sighing, and you feel bad for ruining the moment but you know you need to talk this out. “I meant it when I said I can’t keep doing this. If you’re not sticking around, or if you’re going to leave without saying anything and cut me off again, then we’re done on all fronts. I can’t keep waiting for you to choose me.”

You think you know the answer when he sighs, but you let him pull you down into his chest this time. You’d enjoy it while it lasted, you supposed, the consequences would be felt in the morning. Sae was finally yours , even if it was only for a night. 

You wake up alone in the hotel suite, still naked but neatly tucked in by who you could only assume was Sae. The woven bracelet is tied around your wrist, which gives you hope, but looking around the room tells you that he’d left entirely. No suitcases, no remnants of the clothes you’d shed on the way to the bedroom, your own clothes neatly folded at the end of the bed. He did exactly what he told you he wouldn’t do, which has your stomach dropping as the tears well up. 

Deep down, you knew he wouldn’t keep his word. He would never choose you over soccer, after all. 

You feel ashamed as you leave the hotel, the snow still falling and you’re tempted to walk all the way back home to just marinate in the emotions you were feeling. But you don’t, instead calling for a taxi where the driver listens to you sniffle in your own misery with a sympathetic look on his face. You hate being so vulnerable, exposed in public for having your heart broken and the pieces stomped on by someone who grew up with you, but it’s another thing you can hate Sae for. 

Coming home to Rin sitting on your couch was not what you wanted exactly, but pulling off your layers and then flopping on the couch beside him was what you needed. He’d be disappointed that you’d bought into Sae’s lies once more, but he’d be relieved to hear that you were completely done now. You’d learned your lesson one too many times, and now you could both move on from this constant cycle of heartache. 

“What happened?”

“Details you don’t need, for starters,” you sigh, earning a gagging sound from Rin that makes you roll your eyes. “But I told him if he left like he did the last two times, not saying anything and just going ghost that I wanted him to never talk to me again. And when I woke up he was gone. Like he was never there.”

“Bastard.” Is the only thing to leave Rin as he pulls you into his side. “But I suppose he finally made his choice.”

“He’d always made his choice, I’m just an idiot.” He doesn’t have anything to say to that, and you just lean into his shoulder while you try to fight back the next round of tears. You appreciate that he doesn’t want to make you feel worse by telling you what he thought, but the silence was horrifyingly loud. “I should shower.”

“I’ll make some breakfast for you.”

After you were clean and had eaten, Rin left for his own training regimen and you sat on your couch while staring at your phone as it vibrated on the coffee table. Sae had already called twice, this would be the third time he’d called. You don’t want to answer, but you know you have to or else he wouldn’t stop calling. But maybe he’d come back if he thought you hadn’t made it home? Could you manipulate him into your apartment so you could yell at him in person? 

No, that wouldn’t really fix anything. He’d probably just try to fuck you into being docile again, and you didn’t want or need that. 

“You selfish piece of shit.” Is how you start when you answer, standing up from your seat. “I can’t believe that I believed all that shit you said! But classic Sae, right? Tell me what I want to hear and then fucking leave without a word!”

“I’m sorry-”

“You’d fucking want to be! I’m so tired of you jerking me around like this, and then Rin feels obligated to pick up the pieces of the heart you shatter time and time again! He deserves better than to clean up your mess both with me and with your family.”

“I had a flight to catch.”

“Then you say that, dick! Don’t give me some expensive gift, fuck me, then leave!” 

“When was I supposed to tell you?”

“I dunno, maybe when we were staring at each other in those chairs? Or when you were taking off my clothes? Or, and here’s a crazy thought, when we were laying in bed and I told you flat out that if you left like that again you could consider me gone for real!” You don’t know when you’d made it to your bedroom, but you’re sure you owe your neighbors an apology for how loud you were yelling into your phone. “Like always, you know just what to say to get me close to you and then you fuck it up because you’re selfish, arrogant, and think that just because you can kick a ball really well that you can just treat me how you want?”

“It shouldn’t matter.” Is what you’re met with, and you have to stop yourself from screaming into the phone as your response for how upset you were. “You should know, especially after last night, that you do mean something to me.”

“Sure, but I just can’t do this shit with you, Sae. I can’t be with you when you’re here and then not exist when you’re gone!” You yell into the phone, knowing that as soon as he didn’t like where the conversation was headed he’d hang up. You’d at least gotten to say your piece, make sure he knew just how upset you were and how deeply he’d fucked up. Saying that you should know when he never made you feel anything like that until last night? Absurd and you hoped he’d learn after this that you have to communicate. “I told you that if you left the same way again that I wouldn’t be waiting for you when you came back. I’m done waiting for you, Sae. I can’t keep hoping that one day you’ll choose me because you want to instead of it being because I’m convenient for you.” 

“You think it’s out of convenience?”

“When have you ever given me a reason to think otherwise?”

There’s only silence on the other line, so you hang up after a couple moments of giving him an opportunity to respond before flopping back onto your bed and riding the way it bounced until you eventually settled. There wasn’t anything to look forward to, he’d never choose you and you couldn’t put your life on hold in the off chance that hell froze over and he did choose you over soccer. 

But you had a graduation coming up that you needed to prepare for, Sae was not ruining that for you. 

After you graduate, however, things get a bit boring. Work and more work, an endless repetition that exhausts you. If Rin would be a good younger brother and put in a good word for you with one of his teammates, you’d volunteer to be a trophy soccer wife and just travel. Would it be a waste of your degree? Absolutely, but there had to be more to life than whatever this was. Even if you had to act like you at least enjoyed soccer, it has to be more interesting than the life you had currently. People think it’s cool that you’ve got pictures with Itoshi Rin on your desk and are able to get them passes to matches you simply don’t want to be at, it gives them something to talk to you about and see you smile for once instead of having your head down in your work. 

But you know part of the misery is tied into the fact that you can’t stop thinking about Sae. Yes, you’d cut him off after he’d left you, but there was so much history that you were severing that it hurt to do and think about. If Rin asked, you were doing just fine, even if he knew you better than to believe that. 

Your prayers always seem to be answered in the form of Itoshi Rin. You hadn't exactly told him how miserable you were, trying to put on a good show for him whenever you had the chance to talk. You even left to get drinks with coworkers a couple times and let someone take you out on a date. You were trying to be social, because you knew it would help him worry less about you.

But the next time Rin is in the country, he shows up on a Saturday evening and tells you to get dressed as you’re in the middle of preparing vegetables to cook for dinner. He never showed up without calling, so this had to have been an impromptu decision for him to show up in relatively nice clothes instead of his usual gym or travel wear. 

“You could call , asshole. I wouldn’t have started cooking.”

“It’s just vegetables, they’ll keep for another day. Now go get dressed, casual but nice.”

You comply, but not because Rin told you to. The notion of going out with someone you didn’t see every day at work was enough to make you cooperative, is at least what you would try to say if he asked why you tagged along if you managed to get a complaint out. 

“Where are we even going ?”

“Dinner with some of my teammates. Apparently they miss you despite passing my phone around in the locker room to talk to you before every match.”

“Do they know I’m single?”

“I think it’s painfully obvious on your instagram.” That has you poking your head out of the bathroom to look at him as he goes through your closet while you try to make your hair more presentable for dinner with sports celebrities. “I’m surprised I haven’t seen four cats running around here at this point.”

“Go fuck yourself,” you retort, flipping him off before going back to your task that was taming your hair. “Pick out something cute!”

“You’re so annoying,” he calls, earning himself another middle finger extended out of the doorway of your bathroom. “You’d better be dressed in ten minutes.”

You’re finished getting ready in nine, probably a personal best but only made possible because Rin picked clothes out for you - saving you both the agony that came with you rifling through your closet for the right outfit. Choosing and then doubting yourself to choose again only to end up going back to your original selection. He hated that, so it made his life much easier to pick the clothes and get you into the car. 

“Where exactly are we going?” It’s the third time you’ve asked, you see Rin’s eye twitch in annoyance at the question since he’d told you that you were going with him to dinner with some of his teammates. He didn’t tell you where, or who all would be there, but you did enjoy everyone he played with so you couldn’t be fully upset at not having details. “Who all is going to be there?”

“We’re going to that one sushi place we went to on your birthday last year. Not sure exactly who all from the team will be there, but Aiku will definitely be there since he has been asking about you nonstop. Missed seeing you at matches when we’re playing here. Are you satisfied?”

“You should tell him I hate soccer and only went for you in the first place.”

“You don’t hate soccer, you hate what it did to you.”

“Same difference.”

“Behave in there,” Rin warns once the car is parked, and you look over at him with an unimpressed stare as you unbuckle your seatbelt. “I told them ahead of time not to mention Sae.”

“So they know your brother fucked me then left me?”

“No. Just that you two were once close and now the ties are officially severed but you’re still grieving the loss of that friendship.” He was so good at covering for you, but you also know that he was happy that you’d finally chosen yourself over choosing to chase Sae that he’d do anything to make that choice easier for you to heal from. “You’re going to have a good time. If not, I’ll kill them.”

And you did have a good time, sitting between Rin and Oliver proved to be very entertaining while you were paid close attention to by both men. Rin per usual was a bit distant from his teammates, but would lean in to speak to you and make sure you were doing okay. On your left, Oliver was switching between speaking to you and chattering to his teammates. He asked questions about how you’ve been doing, interested in your studies and excited that you’d graduated. He knew how hard you worked from past conversations and hearing Rin try to figure out how to send care packages from different countries to get you through exams, and he told you that he was proud of you for such a big accomplishment. 

“Let me take you out to celebrate. Just the two of us,” Oliver requests, his smile nothing short of charming despite Rin’s scoff behind you. He never let Rin’s attitude deter him from what he wanted, and you did like that about Oliver. The fact that he was handsome just happened to be a plus. 

You want to say no, you really do. The thought of spending time with people outside of your apartment, without Rin to act as a buffer and remove you from the situation when you started to get emotional was terrifying. But the nudge from Rin happens, and you know that it’d be for the best that you develop habits that don’t include crying over Itoshi Sae and and you need to make more friends that weren’t at your job. So you nod, smile on your face as you tell Oliver that you’d really like for him to take you out. 

A couple years pass by, and you end up in a serious relationship with Oliver Aiku. It’s a very public affair, him flying you out for matches and always kissing you very passionately after victories - one time practically jumping into the stands to get to you. He loved you loudly, proudly, and would show you off at every opportunity to the point where you spent more time working remotely from whatever country he wanted you in than being in your office. 

His pride in being with you is what brought you to an annual gala, complete with the nice expensive dress that coordinated beautifully with his suit. The pocket square even sparkled in the light like your dress did, a very important detail to him as he was dress shopping with you. 

And he liked to be by your side, hand held in his or his arm around your waist as you chatted with his teammates or other players that you knew through him and Rin, but he also gave you space. If you excused yourself, he’d check in only briefly to make sure you were okay before letting you know to let him know if you needed him. And when you excused yourself at this gala, telling him you were going to use the restroom before getting more champagne for the both of you, he let you go with a kiss on your cheek and a gentle but discrete pat to your ass with a grin that you couldn’t help but adore. 

You know that you love Oliver; you love the way he treats you and the way that he loves you - with no question or hesitation to tell and show you how much he cared. Rin didn’t hate the relationship, he just wished Oliver was more mindful of the environment before making a scene after matches, but most of all Rin was happy that you were happy. His brother wasn’t a constant source of emotional pain for you anymore, Oliver made sure of that, and that’s all Rin truly wanted for you: happiness and to feel like you were chosen for once. You knew you’d never force the ultimatum that was you or a soccer career, but knowing that Oliver would drop anything except for a match to get to you if you needed him meant so much more than you think he’d understand after your history of dealing with Sae. A history that he has gotten bits and pieces of, but not quite the full story. Rin would never dig up that history without your permission, but you share bits and pieces when he asks well timed questions. 

You love Oliver, but running into Sae as you leave the restroom has you stopped in your tracks and you can tell he’s also put off by the sudden rendezvous. While you were always at these events at Oliver’s side, you’d managed to avoid crossing paths with Sae since he very rarely showed up to them. You hadn’t seen him since that night, and were hoping that you’d never have to see him again after you’d officially severed the ties that bound you to him. But here he was, and you stand in silence for a moment before he realizes that you’re not going to say anything to him. 

“You look well,” is all he says, and you nod with as straight a face as you can muster. You couldn’t make a scene here, fighting Itoshi Sae at a JFU event would get you blacklisted and possibly Oliver too. “Thank you, you also look well.”

“Aiku, huh?”

“He never thought I was holding him back. He’s stayed with no hesitation about his career,” you comment, leaning against the wall of the hallway as Sae nods his understanding. “Why’d you leave that night? Don’t bullshit me, either, we’re too old for that.” 

“Truthfully, I was scared. You deserved better than what I was prepared to provide, so I left for your sake.” You’re not buying it, but you would let him live in the delusion that he was doing what was best for you rather than what was best for him . Whatever he needed to sleep at night. “He makes you happy?”

“Yeah,” you murmur, the thought that he also had made you happy when you were spending time with him dying on your tongue when you swallow. That wouldn’t fix anything for him or for you. “I love him, and he loves me.”

“The way he makes out with you after matches says enough.”

“And you have no place to comment. You had multiple chances, and you chose to push me away every time and go silent so we couldn’t even talk about it. You ran , Itoshi. Oliver doesn’t run.” He sighs, and you roll your eyes at the fact that he wasn’t leaving and was also blocking the hallway so you couldn’t leave easily either. “Would there ever have been a time where you chose me? Or tried to be with me when you weren’t on a break from playing?”

“Why are you so obsessed with causing yourself pain?,” Sae asks, and you shrug while doing your best to keep the emotions at bay. “You still want to cry when you’re angry, but you’re better at stopping yourself now.”

“Maybe I’m just so used to you hurting me, I don’t know what to do when you’re not.” You know that cuts deep, he visibly flinches at that which you wouldn’t expect to see him do in public. “I need to get back before he comes looking and then tries to deck you.” 

That has Sae turning to move past you and into the men’s bathroom, leaving you to take a couple deep breaths before leaving the small hallway and making your way through the various players, executives, and their guests to get back to Oliver. On occasion someone would greet you and you’d stop to chat for a moment to avoid being rude, which results in Oliver making his way to you since you’d been gone for so long. 

You’re conflicted as you dance with Oliver, your head resting on his shoulder as he sways with you in time with the song playing. Sae had been your ultimate wish, and it would’ve been a dream come true to have him choose you at least once. But to know that it wouldn’t have ever happened, not because of Oliver but because of soccer ? A re-entry of the knife that had been thrust into your heart all those years ago. 

“Everything okay?”

“Why do you ask?” You look up from his shoulder, smiling when he leans in to kiss the tip of your nose. 

“You were gone a while, and you didn’t come back with the drinks, and you looked a bit upset which is why I went and scooped you up.” He paid such close attention to you, and he kissed your nose again with a soft smile that made you melt all over again. “I’m assuming you ran into him.”

“Yeah, but it’s fine. He’s stupid, and I have you and you make me the happiest lady in the world.”

“He fumbled the most beautiful girl in the world, like the idiot he is.”

And you hate soccer, you truly do, but you hate more that you had to dig that grave up again every time you saw Sae - even if it was just in passing. Sae’s impact on your feelings is something you’re not sure you’ll ever have control over, and it’s not fair to Oliver that you’re so easily impacted by another. Oliver was warm , with a smile that could melt glaciers and held you like he would be your defender set to protect you from any harm. You deserved to bask in the sun after spending so long chasing after Sae in the cold darkness that came with his uncertainty. 

“Do you wanna go fuck in the bathroom? Might make you feel better.”

“Tempting offer but I kinda enjoy you being a starter on the team and also employed.”

“You just like a man in uniform.”

“Yeah.” Your agreement has him grinning, you weren’t at all shy about liking how he looked in his gear. “But you’re my favorite man in uniform, Captain.”

[worldseer]

Who are your top 5 (or top 3) favorite characters from JJK? And why you loved them? And your top 5 favorite moments from the series? Thanks.....

I admit, most of my favorite characters from JJK I somewhat thirst over but I'll try to keep those thoughts out of why I love them (because I do have some genuine reason besides thirst for liking them). 1. Toji Fushiguro

First and foremost, I like his calm attitude yet snarky way of talking. Also he's just a badass. We all all saw him kick ass any time he came on screen. His physique and strength is something to envy ngl (which I had big muscles too). And yes, not the best dad but I KNOW this man was the best fucking husband he could be. 2. Kento Nanami

HE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER! It's obvious he cares a lot about people, especially young sorcerers. I like to believe that while he hates how Jujutsu Society operates, he tries to make the small changes necessary to make it better (aka not having child soldiers die and get traumatized like he did). Plus I fully agree that both aspects of life (living as a sorcerer or working a normal job) sucks too.

3. Ryomen Sukuna

HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON BEFORE YOU ALL STAB ME TO DEATH CEASAR STYLE- He's genuinely an interesting antagonist to me. He has layers, I think that's apparent. He's cocky, but for good reason. And there have been moments where I near shat my pants watching him (we all saw that Jogo vs. Sukuna fight and those jumpscares he did. Also both VAs did amazing cackles). His true form from the Heian Era is also so cool to look at as well, and I think may inspire me to be more creative with my own character designs in the future.

4. Suguru Geto

HOLD ON, HOLD ON- Once again, I love a layered antagonist and HOLY SHIT HE HAS LAYERS! Like- ok- I get what his goal is. I get what he wants. And frankly, if my lover best friend died, came back to life, and close friend I was meant to protect died as well, yeah I'd be kinda fucked up so see people celebrating and not batting an eye. Yes, running a cult and committing literal genocide are. . . choices. But in the end, his goal is to protect sorcerers (a group constantly being used and controlled by the majority of non-sorcerers) and that makes some sense.

5. Toge Inumaki

I personally think he's a bit underrated, and underutilized. Sure, I know he's not loaded with Cursed Energy but like- that technique he has can be overpowered as hell. Also, I like how he insists on using ingredient names to convey how he feels when he could just- avoid commands? Like he can obviously use nouns. As long as there's a proper subject, then verbs won't use the cursed speech technique (Don't flame me if I'm wrong, I haven't read through too much of the manga). He's cute, I love his vibes, and he is my son. As for moments in the series, they're more small than most expect: 1. Whenever Mahito gets his ass beat - Self explanatory. Yes I'm still fucking mad about what happened to Nobara and Nanami.

2. When Yuji met Toge in the streets of Shibuya - SALMON! But fr, I love the small moments that show friendship between sorcerers that otherwise don't meet up much. And Toge just being there, chilling with a megaphone to help people is funny to me.

3. The last conversation between Megumi and Toji - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! PAIN! BUT ALSO YOU CAN SEE HOW HAPPY TOJI IS FOR HIS SON! I'M GONE. DEAD.

4. THAT Nanami scene - MAPPA served us good as did Kenjiro Tsuda. "The number and locations of your allies," anything for you, love. Let's go to Malaysia and sit on a beach. I giggle every time.

5. The phone conversation Suguru and Satoru have - The expressions and conversation kill me everytime. They're 'close friends' your honor.

[super-paper]

I can understand ppl not liking stains character (not me tho, love that guy 😌 i too, love and wax poetic about toshi), but im actually surprised that so many people are mad about not only the impact but also the importance of stain in toshinori's arc.. like, idk im sure i fail to pick up on some things as i read the manga, but it makes perfect sense why stain would take on such an important role in saving and helping toshi (in more ways than one). But maybe im just biased ?? Anyway, something something they hate him for being a slut and all the killings something something 

Yeah, what gets me is that post was clearly talking about the people who were directly involved in Toshi's arc about choosing to live and the OP included Bakugo bc he's clearly being set up as the coup de grâce/grand finale to that arc about living. Stain's inclusion as a direct participant in that arc was also obvious-- like, "why is a self-righteous killer being included in Toshi's arc but not my favorite student character?? this is proof that the writing is bad!" is such a wild argument imho, bc it's so obvious to me that Toshi needed to develop a relationship with a villain chara entirely because of this:

"If you think of him as anything more than a villain--" the entirety of Act 2 exists to challenge this mindset, and Act 3 exists to defeat it. Stain plays a crucial role beyond just helping convince Toshi to live and fight for his own (and everyone else's) right to keep living--Toshi's heart is able to heal specifically because he doesn't dismiss Stain or think of him as "nothing more than a villain." His meeting with Stain triggers a subtle but needed change in how Toshi views villains:

Calling Stain's contribution to the final act "pointless" ignores the heart of this story and why Toshinori SPECIFICALLY needed Stain SPECIFICALLY as a catalyst for a certain SPECIFIC change, and it ignores what that change actually means for the greater narrative-- again, people tend to severely underestimate how important Tomura and Toshinori actually are to each other's respective arcs, and those arcs are now converging. Like, I don't want to see ppl feigning surprise when their arcs finally overlap with each other, lmao.

Side note, but Stain being a central catalyst character for both Toshi and Tomura + also being the trigger for Tomura doubling down on his villainy + ALSO being one of the many key triggers that will likely lead to Tomura's salvation feels.... bizarrely fitting?? Without Stain, Tomura never seeks out Izuku at the mall, never meets Toga + Touya + Spinner (ESPECIALLY SPINNER), and remains forever at odds with Toshi due to both men remaining stuck in their respective hero/villain roles and being utterly unable to truly *SEE* each other outside those roles. Stain is literally a load bearing wall lmao ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Bkgo going from "stock bully" to someone who practically has to beg Toshinori and Izuku to take their fucking Lexapro while tears stream down his face is the funniest direction his character arc could have taken, but it’s also the best direction it could've taken.

↑ In Bakugo's case, it's obvious why he has a role in Toshinori's arc about living and it's completely fair to include him in a list of people who are most important and influential to that particular arc. There's no need for explanation and no question about what his role in the upcoming chapters will be.

Also I keep seeing people say that the suicide move was meant to be Toshi's homage to Bakugo when, like... it very clearly wasn't. 💀💀💀 Like, Bakugo does have a right to be upset that Toshi was planning to kill himself just to buy them all a few extra seconds of time against AFO-- but I feel like people kind of....?? Don't understand Bakugo's character development if they seriously think he would yell at or guilt-trip Toshi about it. He didn't yell at Izuku when Izuku hit rock bottom, and he knows that Izuku and Toshi suffer from the same feelings of worthlessness and lack of regard for themselves better than anyone. - - - - - - - - - -

Anyway, I think the real root of the issue is actually less about Stain and more so that people are just mad about All Might lmao. One quarter of the fandom thinks he should've died in Kamino, another quarter thinks he should just die now, another quarter thinks that Iron Might is character assassination, a chunk of folks just don't care, and whatever's left over is the handful of old man enthusiasts who think that it's truly lovely (myself included)-- Iron Might is fully intended to be a love letter to everything Toshinori loves and wants to protect, himself included. Criticize it if you like, but if you can't at least acknowledge that much, then something in your heart is dead.

I also feel like also there's something to be said here abt how fandom approaches older adult characters w mental health problems & who struggle with suicidal ideation vs. how they approach the younger characters-- Like, I've seen a shocking lack of sympathy for Toshi from the same people who are very considerate to characters like Touya and Tomura, and I've seen otherwise kind people calling Toshi a "whiner" for what are obvious symptoms of SEVERE depression. These characters all have wildly different circumstances, yes-- but they all struggle with suicidality that manifests in different ways, and I feel they all deserve a more compassionate, delicate reading into their specific arcs and their respective actions as a result. 

Toshi's arc and his struggles with mental health in particular is something I feel is handled in such a deeply kind way. The story never once disparages Toshi for backsliding, or treats him as selfish or a lost cause for continuing to struggle even though there are so many people supporting him and encouraging him to live. The story is kind, but the fandom isn't, and that's a bit of a tragedy. (and like, this is probably tmi, but I've struggled with my own mental health since middle school and the suicidal ideation really never goes away no matter how well I'm doing in life-- so.... I'm so happy to see a character with similar issues being depicted so kindly in a story, lol.) 

Anyway!

"something something they hate him for being a slut and all the killings something something"

Yeah, they hated him b/c his ass was fat, or whatever those crazy kids are saying these days. <- fully aware that Stain is flat as a board.

[freckledgeto]

this weeks chapter was very... :/

i don’t even hate the chapter this week like content wise i don’t think it’s a bad chapter i just think that the lead up (the entirety of the culling game) and the pacing and gojos reaction to everything is making it all very. meh to me :/

the whole culling game wasn’t my favorite for a lot of reasons and i don’t necessarily blame gege for it completely. i think that there isn’t an arc better than hidden inventory and there aren’t any fights better than the ones in shibuya, so following both of those really incredible arcs with another that is supposed to be equally as good or better does not seem like an easy thing. (spoilers for CG and new ch. under the cut)

one of the reasons the fights in shibuya are sooo good to me is because they are fights that are deeply rooted in character and character development. maki killing the zenin clan, megumi fighting toji, etc. the itadori-mahito fight at the end of the shibuya arc is entirely a character/meant for character development fight for itadori, with his whole "i am you, you are me" realization/acceptance, and it is arguably the best fight in the manga like it is sooo good.

but there arent any fights built around character in the culling game and like. given that gege has made such amazing, character oriented fights in the past. it is a little bit disappointing. esp since i don’t personally want to just watch/read a bunch of fights repeatedly like i WANT there to be some kind of deeper meaning/purpose to them (outside of trying to end the culling game/free gojo obv). makis fight in the CG is probably the most “character” oriented fight and i was just very eh about it :/ but i love maki <3

the treatment of the women in the CG recently has just turned me away from the manga in general too. scorpion hair remi girl was fucked, uro not having more of a role was disappointing, yuki DYING wasn’t great.

tsumiki was the reason i didn’t stop reading the manga earlier in the arc because i was looking forward to her having her moment for LITERALLY THE ENTIIREEEE ARC. just for gege to do that to her and it reallllyy pissed me off.

as much as i hate how tsumikis arc went, i think i could’ve been a liiittle bit more accepting of it if the whole yorozu-sukuna thing was done well. but i didn’t like that either LMAO. i think the whole “yorozu loves sukuna and she sees how lonely he is etc” is like. a cool concept overall and i think if it was done right it could’ve been a good addition to the plot. even if there was just a little bit more of a flashback of yorozu and sukuna from that era with more information and context i think it would’ve made it a lot better. and i could’ve been like. a tiny bit less pissed about tsumiki. but the fact that it wasn’t a very satisfying arc for tsumiki OR yorozu just made it all very underwhelming to me. esp since tsumiki was what i was looking forward to the most in this arc 🙃🙃🙃

so yeah this chapter wasnt the worst thing in the world its just very underwhelming bc everything that led up to this was really underwhelming for me too :( and gojos reacction in this chapter is. upsetting. esp following the whole yorozu-sukuna thing and the "sukuna is lonely" part of it. like sukuna and gojo are meant to be foils of each other. gojos character is built around the fact that he has those connections and relationships with his friends and the students and he fell in gay love with geto and he "wont let anyone else be lonely" like the relationships he has is WHY HES LIKE THAATTTTT. him having no reaction to nanamis death and nobaras condition and maki and megumi and ALL of his students feels like a very surface level "gojo is a funny silly goofy guy" thing to do. but i would like to believe that gege knows and cares about his characters more than a surface level interpretation but. idk well see i guess. i just would have liked to see the sukuna-gojo being foils of e/o actually being played out narratively in these past few chapters more. but hopefully there'll be more of that during the next arc.

anyways so like. the chapter itself is not necessarily bad i just think that the CG itself was really abrupt and lacked a lot emotionally/character wise (for me at least), and then the pacing of this whole thing has been really off for me so its hard to look at the whole thing collectively and actually like it lol.

i feel like gege is really just trying to speedrun the rest of the manga and move onto something else which SUCKS bc it has soo much potential to be sooooo good. whatever anyways goodnight.

[stupid-sloot-headcanons]

Random question but do you have a fav anime/manga art style? Or a least fav?

Keep in mind idk art terms (I only recently got into sketching and watercolor and idk WHAT the fuck I'm doing lol)

So I really love the shading in older stuff like Cowboy Bebop and that era of anime. I can't describe it but the muted color palette and way backgrounds were done back then especially make my eyes happy.

Also speaking of more muted subtle color palettes, I like Naoki Urasawa's art style and I love the anime adaptation of Monster. I also like Pluto but the fire effects look so fucking stupid, I get the effects are meant to clash with the 2D style but I hate it so much, it looks like someone making a YTP and using Adobe Premiere for the first time and it almost ruined the anime for me. All the tension in a scene crumbles when I see those stupid CG effects. But Monster is so pretty to me. I also appreciate Urasawa giving his women actual noses and like. Personalities. Eva Heinemann is one of my favorite female characters in anything, and it helps that she's a bitchy trainwreck who flips the gender dynamics of mysteries by giving HER *SPOILERS* a murdered significant other that fuels HER story as opposed to a women fueling a male character's manpain.

I like the weird wonky art style of Mob Psycho 100 and Chainsaw man, where the wonkiness kind of works to its advantage and can convey expressions just by being drawn Like That. It isn't bad but there's something about the weird expressions in CSM especially that kill me when something funny is happening.

Mob Psycho's anime and the first season of OPM are beautifully animated and MP100 perfectly adapts the original manga style. It keeps the spirit of the original panels but also adds so much stylization and all of the action sequences are gorgeous.

I also like the weird/wonky style of FKMT'S comics like Kaiji and Middle Manager Tonegawa, and the anime adaptations are also examples of great adaptation imo.

Sometimes I'm annoyed by the dehydrated look that JJBA has in the later parts, especially around the arms, but Araki's colored panels are so gorgeous to me. My favorite parts are 4 and 6 and I'm not in love with the manga style he had for faces in Part 4, but the anime looks perfect to me. Look at this boy. His face is perfect.

And yes this includes the piss-yellow sky because I like the color palette of the DiU anime a LOT. Since a lot of animators work on the Jojo anime, characters can look really different between episodes and even between scenes, but I love the way Jolyne looks in almost all of Part 6 when she has a fuller face. And the color palette of Stone Ocean's anime took a bit for me to get used to since the colored manga has a vastly different shade of green for her, but I really like Yellow-green Jolyne and how she stands out while complementing FF and Hermes's green shades.

You can tell by this list so far that I usually like wacky bullshit and artists that just do whatever they want. As far as pure lovemaking for the eyes, I adore shit like Mononoke where texture is king and every shot is pure ecstasy.

I also love Berserk's art style and I'm lowkey amazed Miura's assistants are able to replicate it so well considering his insane attention to detail. Even when displaying grotesque and sometimes misogynistic horrors, every spread of this series is a masterpiece. I also can't believe that he was able to give a skullfaced character so much emotion and expression (subtle, but still there) despite the fact that because he is a fucking skeleton, Skull-King's face can't actually change. This page makes me choke up just looking at it. I choked up while searching for it on Google for fucks sake

Speaking of skeleton characters I love, I like the flatter look of Skull-Faced Bookseller Honda-san, one of my favorite manga of all time! The way the mangaka personifies all his employees is just so cute looking to me, and I love the color palette of the covers and the anime.

And while I give Ohba's writing a metric ton of shit, Obata's art is so pretty. When I think of the trinity of "Mangaka who draw peak fashion", it's Araki, Obata, and Tite Kubo. If I was not a suburban white woman, I would say that they give their characters tons of drip.

[kingdimitrx]

Michikatsu Tsugikuni - A Rant

HUGE SPOILERS FOR THE DEMON SLAYER MANGA AHEAD.

This is just a rant about Michikatsu/Kokushibo because he's one of my favorite characters and I'm tired of people constantly shitting on him

~~~

Imagine being this kid, man.

Since you were born, you were the gifted one, you were the special one. You were supposed to inherit the family name, you were supposed to be the next great samurai, you were the one your father adored. You also love your little twin brother, poor Yoriichi. You take care of him, you play games with him, you sneak out to see him even if it means you could get beaten. You do your best to show him love, because he has been cast aside and you pity him.

Now imagine that you're doing exactly what you always do, training for the role you'd been given since you could barely even hold up your own skull, and that little brother you tried so hard to shelter takes everything from you in the blink of an eye. All this time, he has been better than you, stronger than you, and better suited for your role than you, and no one knew it because he was abandoned.

You get older. Even after your brother flees home, even after you did in fact inherit the role you were supposed to, his shadow is still cast over you. Your father never looked at you the same. No one ever respected you in the same way again. You could never be as strong as him, as fast as him, as talented as him. 

Even after you both go into the same exact field, even after abandoning your own wife and children to follow your brother into battle against demons, he still casts that endlessly gigantic shadow over you. You just cannot reach his level. You're only the second strongest. Yes, maybe you're still miles and miles above the other swordsmen around you, but there's Yoriichi, drowning out everything you could ever be capable of without even trying. Nothing you achieve will ever matter, because your younger brother will always outperform you now matter how hard you train.

Wouldn't you be pissed, too? Wouldn't you hate yourself and your brother, too, even if you know that you adore him?

Kokushibo couldn't even kill his brother. Yoriichi broke all known laws of man and survived his mark, when by all accounts he should not have been able to. Yoriichi almost took Kokushibo's - UPPER MOON ONE'S - head, when he was eighty fucking years old. Even when Kokushibo was the second most powerful demon to ever walk this Earth, his stupid younger brother was still stronger than him. Not to mention that during this fight between them, Yoriichi died of old age, standing up with a sword in his hands.

He surpassed Michikatsu in every. fucking. way. Michikatsu lived in that man's shadow his entire fucking life. People act like he was ungrateful and cruel and envious but holy shit, if you were in his position, so would you! You would be pissed too! You would go to any lengths to try and be as powerful as him, too, even if that meant abandoning your humanity and becoming a demon, the exact thing you swore to eradicate from the world!

And also, Michikatsu loved his brother. People think that he purely hated Yoriichi, but that's not true. He thought he did. But when Yoriichi died, Kokushibo used his sword to cut his body into countless pieces. (It was a really nasty scene, lol.) And it the remains of his brother's body, a flute that Michikatsu had made and gifted to his brother was cut in half and sent flying into the air. Upon seeing it, Kokushibo flashes back to their childhood, and how Yoriichi had been carrying this broken ass, dingy handmade flute with him since they were both little kids.

And he starts to cry. He stares at it and starts to cry, as he says, "Stop it. I hate you."

And, when Kokushibo finally dies, he isn't actually killed by the hashira (Sort of). Similar to Akaza, he realizes that this life he chose wasn't what he truly wanted. He realizes that he abandoned everything he knew - his wife, his kids, his humanity, himself - all just trying to be like his brother. He ends up allowing himself to stop regenerating, even if he could have. Had he chosen to come back, everyone would have died. But he didn't, he stopped fighting, and he willingly goes to hell after he finally admits, in his last moments, that all he wanted was to be "just like Yoriichi".

He idolized his brother.

And, as we see his clothes melting away in a pile after his body is gone, we see that Kokushibo still kept both halves of the flute on him, 500 years later.

It pisses me off to see so much mischaracterization of Michikatsu. I am SO sorry for the random ass rant A) nobody asked for, and B) most likely no one will actually read.

[unfinshedsentec]

fairytale|| m.sano

a/n: I was working on requests, but I randomly really wanted to write this sooo…enjoy?

This oneshot has MAJOR MANGA SPOLIERS!! If you haven’t read chapter 146+, beware~

word count: 2k+

character pairing: manjiro sano x you (reader)!!

tw: cursing, death, and angstttt

It was a cold February day. Naturally, the cold cause crisp air, which nipped at your skin, a red hue etching onto your cheeks because of it.

"How much longer Mikey?" You questioned, following your boyfriend alongside Emma, his little sister.

"Just a few more minutes and we'll be there" he said, his voice soft from nerves.

You knew today was a big day for Mikey, as it was the announced day that Tenjuku and Toman would fight, likely to the death. You knew he was scared, especially having recently found out that Izana, Tenjuku's captain, was his brother.

Not to mention finding out that his only brother hated him…

It all really got to him.

And that was possibly the reason he was taking both you, his s/o, and Emma to his older brother, Shinichiro's, grave.

It could’ve also been way to help calm his nerves, or maybe it was just a good luck charm.

Whatever it was, he was taking his favorite people to visit his dead brother, and that definitely meant something.

You were thinking it was because of his fear. After all, he was afraid for his gang after the situations that had happened in the past few weeks.

Truth be told, you were just as scared as him.

After Baji's death, and the recent, brutal fight with the Black Dragons, you knew that the fight was going to be a rough one.

Because of it, you were scared for the whole gang.

But more than anything, you were scared for Mikey.

You didn't want him to get hurt, or worse, get killed. After all, you loved him and needed him. The  last thing you wanted was to lose him.

That would be worse case scenario.

"What's going on up there??" Emma suddenly questioned, snapping you out of your fearful thoughts.

The blonde girl was pointing up ahead, towards the Sano graveyard. You silently followed her gaze, immediately noticingthe group of men in front of the Shinichiro’s grave, two of which were in toman uniforms, and the other one was in a Tenjuku uniform.

"Fucking great, Izana's here" Mikey said, slowly approaching the area, you and Emma following behind him.

A sudden yell echoed from the blonde-haired, blue-eyed guy you knew as Takemichi. "MIKEY-KUN!!!" he yelled, glancing at you and Emma as you peered over Mikey's shoulder.

"What's going on?" Emma silently questioned from beside you.

"Probably a fight...their boys" you replied.

"Well well, brother, sister, and girlfriend coming to pay their respects. How sweet." The Tenjuku guy said, his odd stare lingering slightly on you.

"Mikey." a lighter-blonde guy said, one that had a burn mark on his skin.

"...Takemitchy” Mikey said, realization lingering in his voice. "Take Y/n and Emma away from here, now!!"

"...wha-" Takemichi said.

Next thing you knew, you and Emma stood beside Takemichi behind a metal fence, silence lingering between all of you.

Well, that was before Emma broke the tense silence.

"That guy's my other older brother. "Izana," right?"

No one answered, all of you already knowing that she was right.

"….I guess you're right Y/n. They're gonna fight soon, right?"

"...Probably" Takemichi silently answered.

All of your gazes made their way silently over to Mikey, likely all knowing how tense he was in the moment. You and Emma could both tell he was having a hard time with the whole situation. And Izana almost certainly made it worse.

"Why do boys have to fight all the time" Emma said once again, a hint of annoyance etching into her voice. "Huh?" You and Takemichi said in unison.

"Leader of the Tokyo Manji gang." "The Invincible Mikey." She said in response. "Mikey’s always putting up a strong front"

"When Big Bro Shin died. When Baji died. Every time, Mikey never showe his weakness...to anyone. Well, expect for Y/n" she said, her glance shifting over to you.

"Yeah...you're right..." you said. "But...the truth is... Even now, he can't sleep without clinging to that worn-out terry-cloth blanket." You spoke.

"He's still a weak little boy" you continued. "He's a kid, like all of us are. So, if he ever snaps from the strain of it all...We'll be the ones to save him! Right Emma!"

"Yeah! Just like how he saved us!"

'I see' Takemichi thought. 'The people who can understand and support Mikey-kun more than anyone...may very well be those two' he continued, his inspired gaze shifting over to the two of you, who were conversing.

"Man, we're trying to sound too cool, Emma"

"Haha, we are!"

"...Huh?" Takemichi suddenly said. '...Mikey-kun turned evil in the future...even though he had both of them'

"Hey, wanna get a drink?" you asked both Emma and Takemichi. "Sounds good!" Emma said, following closely behind you.

"Uh. Sure." Takemichi spacily said.

Suddenly a startled look appeared on Takemichi's thought led him to a bad conclusion. One that would change Mikey in a way that nothing could.

'Now that I think about it.... I haven't seen Y/n-san in the future... Does she exist in the future?'

The dark thought feared Takemichi, but he still followed behind you and Emma, as you both grabbed 3 cans soda before heading back towards the road where Takemichi was.

And it was in that moment when all three of you heard a distant *VROOMMM* heading right towards all of you.

The sudden sound alerted all of you, mainly from the curiosity of it. You, looked towards the source of the sound only to see a random motorcycle headed directly towards you, one that had a man with a bat on it.

"Huh?" you questioned at the strange sight.

And it was as you watched the motorcycle reach you that you realized what was going on.

However, it was too late...

*BAM*

Emma and Takemichi's hands flew up in front their head, both shielding themselves from the expected hit. However, it never came.

And not long after, Emma noticed the original presence that was beside her, was now gone.

The blonde-haired girl turned around, only to see the one thing she anticipated, but was most scared to see....

There you were, lying in the middle of the road, completely unconscious.

"Y/N?!" Emma yelled, running towards your unconscious body.

Emma's yell startled Takemichi and he turned around, only to see the same sight Emma saw, the only difference being a sobbing Emma pulling you into her lap.

The blue-eyed Takemichi quickly looked up to the motorcycle that was now speeding away from you.

"It's over, Takemichi Hanagaki"

At that, the pair of Kisaki and Hanma disappeared from the sight. And Takemichi ran towards you, fearing the absolute worst.

The blonde followed Emma in suit, pulling you up into his lap, your limp body resting on his warmer body.

"No, no , no, no!! This c-can't be happening! Y/n!" Emma desperately sobbed, fearing for her friend's life.

"Y/n-san..." Takemichi said, gently cradling your head.

"....Y/n-san..!!" Takemichi yelled again as all horrible memories of the future flashed in his mind, and it was there and then that finally he made the connection...

The reason the future had been so horrible all this time was because you weren't there. It was because you had been dead the whole time, changing Mikey completely. You were the reason of it all….

And now, here he was, letting the same thing happen once again...

You laid on the cold concrete, with blood covering your skin. Emma sobbed and stroked your head as she saw had bad it really was, and Takemichi could only yell, as your unconscious self-had no response to anything.

"Y/n-san, wake up... Y-y/n san..." Takemichi muttered. "Y/n-san! If you die right here, right now... If you die in the...past... I can't save you...!"

"Y/N!!!! PLEASE WAKE UP!! P-PLEASE!!!" Emma screamed.

However, mid-way through Emma and Takemichi desperately yelling your name, they heard a pair of footsteps. Ones that headed right towards them.

And as both people looked up towards the sound, they saw the person they dreaded seeing the most. The person that loved you more than anything else.

They saw Mikey.

"...Y/n?" Mikey gently spoke, his eyes looking directly towards your limp body.

"I'm sorry...Mikey-kun...I..."

"What happened?" Mikey said, a horrified, scared look forming on his face.

".... She got hit in a drive-by attack"

"...Huh?" Mikey said, a cold sweat forming on his face from horror.

"Ki-...Kiskaki did it..."

Silence filled the air, as the new news was processed by Mikey. However, the blonde broke the silence as he dropped onto one knee and motioned towards his back.

"Takemitchy!! Set her on!" Mikey said as Takemichi placed you onto his back before walking you to the hospital.

Mikey kept reassuring you'd be okay as he quickly walked towards the hospital. "Don't worry, Y/n. We're almost at the hospital" Mikey softly spoke.

"...Mikey?" You called with a weak, shaky voice. "Y/n-san?!" Takemichi exclaimed noticing your now conscious presence.

".... Huh? I can't...move..." you spoke, your blank eyes looking forward as Mikey walked.

"Oh...yeah...I was...hit by that bike" you weakly said.

"...."

"Do you still remember y/n?" Mikey started. "When we went on that super long date, and by the end of the day you could barely walk." Mikey reminisced. "I haven't carried you like this...since that day."

"..."

"Hey Mikey?" you called, knowing what was going to happen.

"Hmm?"

"If something happens to me..."

"No you dummy. Nothing's gonna happen. You'll be just fine"

"Please just know... I'll always love you"

"...I love you too" Mikey whispered, fear building up further as your tone changed in a way it had never changed before. Though, he still smiled. He softly smiled for you.

"...Emma..." you called to the blonde girl, tears building up in your eyes at the thought of saying goodbye.

"Yeah?" she responded

"Please...take care of Mikey for me, 'kay?" You said as you gave a closed-eyed smile, one that would be your last...

Then, as you said those words, your hands lost their grip and you fell limp onto your boyfriend's chest.

Quickly noticing your loss of grip, Mikey called out for you. "Y/n.... Y/n?! You can't go just yet; we have a future to live! Plus, we gotta see ken-chin and Emma get married like we said we would! ...Y/n?"

"I really love ya, y'know? So, you can't leave yet...you can't" he desperately spoke, trying to hold back his building up tears.

"...Takemitchy..."

"Yes?"

"My jacket...put it over Y/n"

"Huh?"

"Y/n....she's getting...kinda cold.."

"Mikey-kun!" Takemichi said, tears pouring out of his eyes as he sobbed. Emma's sobs followed not long after, as she realized what happened.

"...no!" Emma said in denial.

"....Y'know, y/n. I have this dream that one day... you and I have a kid. And I'll force Ken-chin to build our house... Ken-chin is always gonna be over with Emma, and when he does, I'll totally ignore you. And we'll drink and laugh over the old stories of the ol' days, like we always do!"

"Mikey-kun...!" Takemichi muttered as he thought, 'Y/n-san is already....', still sobbing his heart out.

'We'll be hanging out until super late at night, and eventually, I'll call Mitsuya and Takemichi to come over...and we'll have a blast" Mikey continued, cold sweat running down his face as his bottom lip trembled from incoming sobs.

"We'll end up waking up the baby...and you'll totally flip out on me..." Mikey said, his voice trailing off as he tried to grin, but he utterly failed…

And that was the fairytale future you could've had...

//end.

(tbh, looking at the manga panels of upset Mikey made me cry while I was writing this)

[itssleepyrabbit]

hi! wow i super love your art and i don’t have enough dabihawks in my life 🥺 was wondering if you had any fic recs for them?? 💕💕

aah thank you so much!! 💕💕 💕💕

BOY IF I DO HAVE!! alright buckle up this might get long (most are fluff and SFW~ i’ll put a NSFW warning but be sure to look at tags in all of them!!)

Bed I made (lie in it with me) by  silverwordswrites

“Touya is in desperate need of a plus-one for his brother's wedding and Keigo is infinitely curious about the man who he was sure used to hate him in college.” 

-- the summary says everything and honestly it’s one of the most romatics dabihawks fics i’ve read.

On-going

He Doesn't Love Me by  Fatally

“Dabi doesn't love him. He's accepted that thorny truth, swallowed it down and let briars grow in his chest, drinking down his blood like water.Or: The one in which Hawks settles for pining for his entire life and doesn't realize Dabi's been staring at him the entire time, too.” 

-- I love pinning Hawks with a burning passion.

Completed

sweetheart, is that you? by  fuckendeavor666

“dabi and hawks say i love you (without actually saying i love you) in five different ways.“ 

-- This is my absolute fave dabihawks fic

Completed

Deck the Halls With Boughs of Folly by  DrAphra

“In which the League has acquired a new fancy mansion -with all the heating and food and plush beds they could possibly need - but they still prefer to spend the day out in the wilderness with just each other. Plus Hawks.“ 

-- Honestly all Aphra’s dabihawks fics are more than worth it but this one has a special place on my heart.

Completed

fuck, im so young - orphaned

“Todoroki Touya writes poems.

Words upon words of heartfelt confessions, letters of sing song fantasies, syllables of feelings he never got to say out loud.

When Todoroki Touya hits sixteen, he burns himself to death.

When Dabi hits twenty four-

He meets Hawks.” 

-- i don’t know how to explain but this fic it’s pretty

Completed

Feathers and Feelings by  Toboe1087

“Hawks keeps leaving feathers on his pillow, and Dabi's about had it.

(like hell he'd let anyone else have them, though)”

-- Dabi preening Hawks feathers is a blessing

Complete

(this is not a) swan song by  bittermoons

“"Who's your favorite, then?"

"Hawks." Touya doesn't miss a beat. "Definitely Hawks."

"What? Seriously? How come?"

"He has his flaws, but at the end of the day, he's trying to do good. It's something he always strives for. Dabi, on the other hand...if it weren't for Hawks, he wouldn't be a hero, that's for sure."

[Or: How a secret is revealed, and what comes afterwards.]”

-- Adorable no quirks AU with manga artist Touya and oblivious Keigo! Another author i adore pretty much all dabihawks works.

Completed

You can't trap the sky in a bottle by thyandra

“Letting Toga organize the accommodations for their trip might have been a mistake. This particular truth becomes obvious to Keigo as he opens the door of his hotel room for the first time. There, staring back at him mockingly, is a single, king-sized bed. It’s only by virtue of all the years spent perfecting his poker face around his adoptive parents, that he manages to keep his face straight. At his side, Touya clicks his tongue. “They must’ve given us the wrong key.””

--(no quirks AU) I really love they way Dabi and Hawks are written here i can’t express it in words and so so much pinning

Completed

A Tale as Old as Time by  EloFromMars, Gotcocomilk

“Dabi and Hawks are hit by the most improbable Quirk: both are yeeted in Fairytales land and have to rely on each other to get out of this.“

-- this was such a fun read omg

Completed

A Romance Written All Over Your Body by  minatsukinoamayo

//NSFW mind the tags!//

“Hawks is assigned to infiltrate the League of Villains in order to expose them. Hawks usually never fails a mission, but Keigo usually never falls in love, either.A story of how Hawks falls from grace to become a villain, because hero society has failed them all.

OR

5 times they're not in a relationship and 1 time they are.“

-- you know those fics you say “one more chapter” and it’s 3AM

Completed

it caught spark in your eyes by  youareoldfatherwilliam

//Mature - Implied Sexual Content//

“Keigo’s quirk is powerful, but sometimes it comes with unintended side effects.

Or: A 5 + 1 fic of five times the more…instinctively bird-like parts of Keigo’s quirk took over accidentally during his relationship with Dabi, and one time it happened entirely on purpose.“

-- I was screaming about this particular fic on twt the other day pls give it a read if you can it’s so so so good! Any fic that has Hawks with bird traits has a special place on my heart

Completed

The Others by  threesipsmore

//Mature - 2 sexual scenes, nothing too explicit but they’re there//

“"Skeptic's starting to think he’s more important than me,” Toga sneers, an acidic edge to her voice. “Making decisions on his own, sending out birdie without even talking to me first.”

She’d simply acquiesced to cooperating with Skeptic, but from day one the complaints had never stopped. In this tiny room layered with sushi and cakes, Dabi was forced to listen to her whining.”

-- You go birb, you get that man

Completed

Equivalent Exchange by  inexchangeforyoursoul

“Keigo blinks the blurry oblivion away from his eyes, although some part of it is oddly stubborn and to stay indefinitely. There's three things he's certain of: first, he’s alive. Second, just by looking at the bed and windows he can tell this is no villain hospital or torture room. Third: something feels wrong. Very wrong.

The silence… is deafening.

xxx

To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.

If so, what of a bird that has lost its wings?”

-- i had so many feelings reading i can’t physically explain them to you also PINK HAIR DABI PINK HAIR DABI

Completed

dabi's 5-step guide to being a better parent than endeavor by  twinkfrankenstein (orphan_account)

“A little voice inside his head whispered spitefully about how this was no place for a child, and how he was making a mistake and would only traumatize the kid, yada yada. He responded with an equally spiteful-

“Fuck off, its not like I planned to do arson today.”

(or: how Dabi becomes a good dad just to spite his own, realizes he kinda sorta maybe likes Hawks for realsies, begrudgingly admits the League cares and finally comes to terms with his protective side. Not in that order.)“

-- this legit made me laught out loud idk what else tell you

Completed

The Todoroki In-Laws by  aphrodaisyacs

“Over 10 years after the fight against the Paranormal Liberation Front, Rumi, aka the part-time hero Miruko and the proud wife of one Todoroki Fuyumi, decides it would be an awesome idea to create a groupchat with the significant others of the other Todoroki siblings.

Maybe things would be easier if its members weren’t two Pro Heroes, a former one and a rehabilitated villain, but…Honestly, where’s the fun in that?”

-- this is not dabihawks focused but it’s so funny pls

Completed

With Being Petty Comes Consequences by  CursedUndead

“"When we were saying fuck pro heroes, I didn't think you literally meant FUCK them," Tomura grumbles, kicking over an empty beer can.

"Pretty judgmental for someone fucking a pro twice their age," Touya says.

Tomura squints, and says, "Ten years is not twice my age."

Or, after spending Enji's money, Touya is forced to babysit for the number 2 hero to pay him back. Touya makes it his life's mission to fuck his new boss.”

-- this only has 4 chapters but i know it’s going to be one of my faves

On-going

The Truth series by  AmethystUnarmed

-- Hawks gets hit with a truth quirk and starts to be actually free by the power of love, friendship and a bit of crime <3

The last entry is on-going

and if we sit and count it up it's really not a lot by  sincerelysamedt

“Hawks finds a bento box in his messenger bag and almost cries.

"Is that a loving wife bento?"“

-- please PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD READ THIS ONE /sobbing noises/

Completed

steal your heart by  darlingest

//Mature//

“When infamous thief Hawks announces that he is going to steal the heart of Endeavor's son, everyone expects him to prey on Shoto Todoroki - nobody suspects Touya to be the actual target.“

-- Villain Hawks and civilian Dabi are my guilty pleasure and this one it’s so soft too i’m- djsahfdjkfhadf

Completed

darling, thank god it’s this universe we’re in (and you can annoy me as much as you please) by  juurensha

“ Todoroki Rei divorces Endeavor and moves all four of her children into a small apartment next to a boy with wings as red as the hair of her eldest son. “

-- This was one of the first dabihawks fics i ever read and, to this day, i come back to it when i feel i need the extra burst in happy feelings and check their other works too! Honestly all are such a good fucking read

Completed

[worldseer]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

Oh lord, top ten of ALL media I loved? Fuckin' hell. Alright, just to cheat, I'm choosing to do this in no particular order and sticking to one media because I frankly do not have the capacity to process top favorites all at once. TOP TEN OF MARVEL COMICS/MCU IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier - Heavily relate to his issues, I've been told I look like him, and overall I love his character. Been obsessed with his character for years now, and I want nothing more than for him to be happy.

Moon Knight/Mark Spector/Steven Grant/Jake Lockley - Steven Grant is heavily relatable to me, and Moon Knight in general has always been interesting to me. I learned about the character before the show itself, and even his design itself draws me in. I'm a sucker when his cape makes the crescent shape too.

Ghost Rider - Nonspecific simply because all the Ghost Riders I know are badasses. If I had to be a hero/have the powers of any Marvel character, I'm choosing this one. Love the idea of the character, and wish it gets a good adaptation for film/tv show soon

Nightcrawler/Kurt Wagner - Gender Envy. Also heavily relate to him because of similar issues. Consistently struggle if I want to be him or be with him.

Gambit/Remy LeBeau - I love a sarcastic man with a bit of fruitiness, and a smug ass face. Also his powers are interesting as well, and he's frankly a genius for using playing cards as his usual weapon (mass produced and several on hand).

Spider-Man - Also nonspecific, since I grew up on watching Spider-Man cartoons so I love Peter Parker, but also after ATSV I've gained an interest in Miguel O'Hara as well. Peter in the comics always has my heart however, some of the lines he has in them are iconic as hell.

Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto - He's a villain I can't ever hate, and probably has the second power I'd choose if I had to choose a power from a Marvel character. I too would cause mass destruction if it meant that me and people like me would stop fucking yknow- being killed and persecuted. And bro is (usually) old as fuck as he does this, still kicking ass.

Matt Murdock/Daredevil - Once again, relate due to similar issues. Also what's more funny than a sarcastic lawyer going out to beat the shit out of criminals every night? Plus it's a bit unfair that he looks hot beat up. . . iykyk.

Wade Wilson/Deadpool - Self explanatory.

Loki Laufeyson - Similar thing to Bucky and Kurt: obsessed with character for years and a part of me wants to be them. Might have kickstarted my discovery into being nonbinary honestly now that I think about it. . .

[father-time-and-baby-new-year]

I love bully shiggy, but i love shiggy angst more, so could you write some bully shiggy angst where reader goes to live somewere else or just...dies or something? I need the bully to suffer of a broken heart hehehehe thank you!

your wish is my command. TW: death, violence, slight mentions of past noncon and past dubcon, angst, drugs

Most, if not all throughout his life, Shigaraki has always gotten what he wanted. Rich parents helped. His absurd talent for computer science helped, and when his parents were being especially annoying and threatening to cut him off-well thank god his crypto is going to the moon.

No, he couldn't say he was happy. But he wasn't sad either. Objectively, he knew he had a good life. Happiness is foreign to him, but thrills aren't. Mindless enjoyment isn't. He smokes skinny Korean cigarettes, snorts cocaine off glass tables, places acid tabs under his tongue, and fucks girls when he's high, sober, coming up, or coming down.

You were happy though. You were the kind of girl to be very grateful to live, the kind of girl who walked through life like the sun was shining on her, the kind of girl he hated and wanted to crush under his thumb.

No, that's a lie. He's never hated you. He could never hate his favorite toy no matter how many times she misbehaves.

So when you fucking died, of course, he didn’t believe it. Not at first. Not fucking possible. Not until he saw your fucking body, all twisted into grotesque angles because you were trying to save a stupid kid who was on the road when he shouldn’t have been. Fuck, out of everyone, at least you deserved a peaceful death.

And it’s so like you to throw yourself into oncoming traffic, trying to save other people. Always other people. The complete and utter opposite of him. He wasn’t even aware he had a heart, the metaphorical one that felt emotions because his real beating heart was a jumbled-up mess of pounding and vessels.

But all that adrenaline is gone now and there’s a hole where his heart is. A you-shaped absence imprinted on his body and mind. He was already so so numb but the flashes of feelings, the memories hurt. He smells your perfume in the scent of wildflowers and it drives him insane.

His drug habit had gotten exponentially worse. Days and nights blurred into frenzied chaos. How could he sleep when your voice on discord wasn’t the last thing he could hear before shutting his eyes? The cocaine has probably burned off the inside of his nose, and acid flashbacks wouldn’t be so bad if the patterns didn’t spell out your name.

How dare you leave him alone? How dare you? You were supposed to die whenever he dies. Your existence was meant to be alongside his.

His last straw is when he finally shows up to school and everyone looks at him with eyes of sympathy. It doesn't click until a reassuring hand is over his shoulder, “It’s okay, Shigaraki. We know you were good friends.”

He can’t stop laughing. Laughing and laughing until his jaw is going to unhinge itself. Everyone looks uncomfortable, perplexed by the sudden onslaught of never-ending laughter. A know-it-all voice chirps in the background, “...normal traumatic response.”

He excuses himself to the bathroom much to the relief of his classmates because they were not used to a manic Shigaraki, the boy who was usually cold and aloof. He grips the porcelain sink, laughing. He wonders why there are water drops falling into the basin. He wonders why he’s crying. And once the first few drops fall, the dam breaks. He’s sobbing.

How brain dead does everyone have to be to think you guys were friends. Yeah, Shigaraki was a great friend to you as he forced you to jerk him off. He was a great friend when he threatened revenge porn if you didn’t break up with your doofus boyfriend. And he definitely was a great friend, when he stumbled into your house high as balls, fully knowing you’d be alone that night and fucked you until you bled on your sheets. Victory tasted like your virginity on his dick that seemed like it would never soften.

Was everyone that blind to what you were going through? How much he hurt you? He wondered what you’d say if you here right now. You’d probably laugh too, wouldn’t you? Laughed until you cried and couldn’t stop crying.

Dabi and Hawks tried. They did. But they weren’t friends who sat around talking about their respective traumas despite being well too aware of how fucked up each other’s home lives were. But Shigaraki’s grief was different. Dabi tried to put himself in his blue-haired friend’s shoes. If Natsuo or Fuyumi died, he probably wouldn’t take it so well either. Still, he couldn’t fathom why Shigaraki would be so sad over some pussy, however tight it may be. Hawks especially could not understand, girls being replaceable him too like model cars—infinitely less valuable of course. The golden-haired boy had no frame of reference, but he did crash his Audi R8 which was his favorite car. Maybe that’s what Shigaraki is feeling, the loss of something very precious. (Maybe Hawks wasn’t too far off. Shigaraki did treat you like a possession.)

He visits your grave often, every day if he can. It’s beautiful, encased in obsidian and marble, gold lettering announcing the tragedy of your short life. He never learned what your favorite flowers were so he returns with a different bouquet each time. Today’s were pink carnations.

Much to his surprise, there was a figure already standing there. Your father, he recognizes. “You come at a time when no one else does so it’s hard to get a hold of you.” That was on purpose of course. He didn’t want to complain to you with an audience.

“I’m sorry I don’t know who you are but the way you come here every day with flowers, spending hours at a time you must have loved my daughter very much.”

His throat closes. He doesn’t know what to say.

Shigaraki cries more when he goes home, an avalanche of memories saturating his brain. Memories of your smile, your sarcastic quips, how he could never shut you up when you were talking about your favorite manga.

There’s a revolver in his desk. He could do it. Shoot his own brains out. Be where you are. His hands are shaking. Is he this much of a coward? You don’t care right, you wanted him to die right? For all the shit he did to you? You told him you had nightmares, that when you closed your eyes, all you could see was him.

But you were a bleeding heart. You’d never wish that upon anyone. Shigaraki looks out the window, wondering that if he could do it all over again, whether he’d be kinder to you.

No, he wouldn’t be.

[jjuzoir]

Sakusa Kiyoomi Relationship HC’s

Word Count: 1396

A/N: woof woof i’m the ceo of soft content bitches ❕ one of my biggest pet peeves with sakusa’s fanon is ppl forgetting he’s literally... just super fcking dramatic like he could be a theater kid if he wanted to /hj so i wanted to try writing him as a soft still dramatic boifie is it probably ooc? yeah... do i give a fuck? no.

- Unlike popular belief, Kiyo isn’t going to cry if you hold his hand. If anything, it’s one of the few displays of affection that truly gets him blushing a bright pink.

- He does get kind of annoyed if you hug him or do anything that requires too much physical contact too suddenly, give him a little warning or ask him; He’ll almost always say yes, unless he’s sweaty from practice.

- As long as you’re both clean and sanitized, he’s willing to indulge you.

- He’s not super big on PDA but he’ll always have an arm thrown around your shoulders or wrapper around your waist.

- A big fan of subtle matching accessories, he’ll probably buy you matching key rings and phone cases. Don’t make fun of him though, he’ll get embarrassed and kind of uncomfortable; it’s one of his Love Languages afterall.

- He likes seeing you wearing his clothes, he’ll have a few things he exclusively has just for you but he also has some he’d rather not share. The latter category is mostly dress shirts, formal wear, anything that might stain easily or you’d need in fancy situations, but things like extra t-shirts or hoodies are as much his as yours (just tell him you’re taking anything and make sure you wash it before giving it back).

- Sakusa has a sensitive nose so he loves the way you sometimes smell like him, even if it’s just a little bit, when you wear his jackets or hoodies he likes knowing you’re going to smell like him for the day.

- He really likes indoor dates, from staying inside with you at home or going to museums or stores. He tends to favors the dates where you’ll choose things for each other, he takes getting you gifts super seriously and will spend hours making sure what he’s getting you is up to his standards.

- Talking about gifts, he’ll treasure anything you give him. His favorite gift you ever got him was a cologne, it was one he’d mentioned in passing to you because it was meant to be softer on the nose, and for his birthday you ended up getting him that and a clock.

- The fact you thought about him and listened to what he’d said made him very happy. He knows he’s often seen as intimidating and sarcastic, people tend to take what he says wrong or way too literally/liberally.

- Sakusa isn’t afraid of being blunt with you, he doesn’t like sugar coating his words and you’re no exception, he tries being more kind with his word choice but at the end of the day he won’t hesitate saying what’s on his mind.

- So whenever he compliments you, keep in mind he absolutely means it and he won’t hesitate to repeat it (unless you ask him to do so too much, he’ll get blushy and annoyed).

- He really wants to get a dog with you. Not any dog though, he wants a big dog he can take on walks and running with him, probably wants a siberian husky, would name him Mr Clean.

- Is the type of guy who’ll be like “the dog sleeps on its bed” but you’ll find him with said dog cuddling together under a blanket after a hard day. Sakusa is in love with Clean, he’d die for him, he even calls him your son.

- Got him little paw-gloves for when he’s cleaning the floor and he’s got chemicals around him so his paw beans don’t get irritated.

- An underrated comedy master, Iwaizumi says he has the sense of humor Atsumu wishes he had. He doesn’t even think twice before speaking with his teammates which leads to ridiculously funny exchanges, the best part is that he doesn’t seem to understand that he’s being hilarious so his face quite literally stays the same.

- Before dating you, his room was kind of boring (read: that one Haikyuu manga cover Furadate made for Christmas), black covers, white walls, etc., basically a minimalist nightmare but when you started dating he kind of got into keeping knick knacks that remind him of you or from dates with you, he has a few of your things laying around too. It’s still clean, he’d rather die than have a messy or dirty room, but it’s got more personality.

-  Has an extra MSBY jersey for you and his homescreen is a picture of you wearing it next to him; he’s whipped for you. He won’t let anyone unlock his phone because of it, one time Komori almost saw it and he had a mini-heart attack.

- Has you saved as “[Name] 💖” and gets super annoyed when anyone (Atsumu) teases him about it.

- He likes the intimacy of waking up together and performing a morning routine with you. Seeing you standing in the mirror brushing your teeth while chatting about your day or while you do your skincare routines.

- He's better at holding phone calls with you rather than texting - he can be kind of dry and he knows it, he’s also busy often which leads to many gaps between the responses; it’s a mess. So he’d rather call you, that way he can also make his tone/intentions known easier! the

- Not big on pet names for you, the most he’d do is “honey” or “dear”, he’d rather call you by your name or a nickname.

- On the other hand, he’s a big softy for the pet names you have for him; he’ll act like he hates them, especially if you call him out in public, but in private he gets blushy and his voice softens when he talks to you afterwards.

- Matching masks are a staple in your relationship, he’s always on the lookout for them just in case. When he’s abroad he’ll bring you a bag full of them, and they’re not the unfiltered ones, he makes sure absolutely nothing can get through them because he’s not about to have either you or him breathe in germs and risk getting sick.

- Health is his number one priority for both you and him.

- The type to call you when he’s away to rant about the silliest things, he’ll see something that annoys you and he’ll just think about how you’d never do him like that and how you’d be just as annoyed.

- When you two get a shared bed he’ll ask for the side closest to the window, he doesn’t care if it ends up being the right side or the left side; he likes being able to leave the window slightly open as to keep the air in the room clean and he doesn’t want you to get cold.

- Kiyoomi is really thoughtful, he knows he can be picky and particular so he wants to make it up to you by keeping you in mind to make sure you’re also comfortable.

- Arguments are rare because of this, he knows when to compromise - so if his partner can’t it’s a really big no for him and would lead to a very short relationship - but he also wants you to know he’s not a pushover and he also needs you to compromise as well.

- Likes intertwining your pinkies together when you’re walking down the street, it’s not super noticeable to others but he’s still holding you tightly in his own way.

- I said it before but Kiyoomi isn’t against holding you as long as you’re clean (as in; took a bath, clothes are washed, etc.)! He likes being able to hold you tightly during movies, just being there with you is soothing to him.

- Very dramatic when it comes to important dates and anniversaries, he acts like he’s cool with it as if he hadn’t spent a week planning the bouquet of flowers he has in his locker alongside a handwritten note he has his mom check just in case he made a mistake. In that way, he kind of expects you to take it seriously too and would get kind of disappointed if you didn’t remeber or give him something; it could be a hand gel and he’d treasure it though.

- Overall, Sakusa tends to be a surprisingly soft boyfriend - he has his quirks, much like anyone does but as long as you respect them you won’t have any problems down the road. He’s a thoughtful lover, he takes pride in knowing you well and taking care of you.

[madara-fate]

If Kishimoto really wants people to believe that Sasuke loves Sakura and that they have such a good marriage then he's doing a piss poor job at it. You don't see people arguing if Minato loved Kushina or not or if Dan loved Tsunade or not. You don't. The fact that there are so many people arguing whether Sasuke loves Sakura or not, and many people believing he doesn't is just proof that Kishimoto failed somewhere or else there wouldn't be this much controversy surrounding this matter. It's either Kishimoto implying Sasuke does not love her, either Kishimoto intending to portray his idea of a good realtionship/loving husband through SS and failing miserably. Sasuke did not look happy when he saw Sakura in Gaiden first time after 10 years of absence. He couldn't even bother to send a letter to her and Sarada to let them know he was alright and thinking about them during this period. And no, please don't come at me with that bullshit excuse that he didn't keep in contact because he wanted to keep the secrecy of his mission and did not want any private information to leak and that's why he was only keeping in contact with the Hokage or whatever. No one says that if he ever bothered to write them he had to go into details about his mission. He could've just told them he's alright, that he misses them and hopes they're fine and that would've been great too and wouldn't have compromised his mission in any way. The man has space time abilities for fuck's sake. He could've easily teleported to see them and then go back to his business. In my opinion Kishimoto wrote SS in this ambiguous way to appease both the SS haters and the SS shippers. He knew SS fans were going to be happy with whatever he threw at them even if it was the absolute bottom of the barrel and he knew the antis were gonna have a good time using Gaiden to further tear the ship apart. This man is either terrible at writing romance either a huge troll who enjoys pitying his readers against each other. Or maybe both. And I assure you, I don't even hate SS, despite what I have written so far, nor do I ship something else. And Sasuke is also my favorite character. I'm indifferent to this pairing and maybe that's why I can have a more objective opinion on it than its shippers or its haters since I'm not biased due to personal feelings of either distaste or love for it. SS can be seen in both a good and a bad light, but to be honest the balance is more inclined towards the bad light.

This is just more of the stuff that I've heard plenty of times before. I'll firstly preface this by saying that I'm very highly critical of Gaiden because it included pointless drama for the sake of pointless drama. It's execution was horrendous to say the least, but I'll always still appreciate the message that Kishi was trying to relay. However, I will always take issue with those who defend the notion that Sasuke doesn't love Sakura. Hence, the following.

You don't see people arguing if Minato loved Kushina or not or if Dan loved Tsunade or not. You don't. The fact that there are so many people arguing whether Sasuke loves Sakura or not, and many people believing he doesn't is just proof that Kishimoto failed somewhere or else there wouldn't be this much controversy surrounding this matter.

Minato wasn't drowning in hatred due to a supernatural phenomenon which cause him to push away love in favour of the darkness. Dan wasn't made to undertake a preposterously long mission while intending to keep everything about it confidential. Why on earth do people think they can just compare any random relationships to SS's and go "well look at this couple! Why couldn't SS have been more like them?". Well here's your answer - Because their situations were nothing alike. But why do people constantly believe that those relationships are the only models for what a loving relationship can be? The struggles that Sasuke and Sakura faced during Gaiden were not due to issues with each other, but rather, they were shown facing hurdles which they overcame together. They were perfectly happy with each other, and not once did their dedication to one another ever falter during Sasuke's mission. Just because the couple faced hard times does not mean their bond is any weaker. On the contrary, the fact they they faced those hard times together and came out of them just as strong if not stronger than before, is a testament to the strength of the relationship.

You wanna know what I don't see? I don't see people questioning Neji and Hinata's relationship despite Neji trying to kill her during the Chuunin Exams. I don't see people questioning Hiashi's feelings towards Hinata despite essentially disowning her because he deemed her to be a failure. I don't see people questioning Gaara being the Kazekage despite him previously being feared as a killing machine who slaughtered many innocent people, by the very same villagers who now respect him as their leader. I don't see people questioning why Kabuto was trusted to become the head of the Orphanage and taking care of the future of the village, despite being a notorious war criminal. No, but of course people will question SS right? Despite them just being another example of the same theme.

It's either Kishimoto implying Sasuke does not love her, either Kishimoto intending to portray his idea of a good relationship/loving husband through SS and failing miserably.

Kishi flat out said, that the love between the Uchiha family is the real deal. He's not implying anything, and if he truly failed at depicting this, then SS wouldn't have consistently proven to be the most popular canonised pairing for years following the manga's ending.

Sasuke did not look happy when he saw Sakura in Gaiden first time after 10 years of absence.

And you think that's indicative that he doesn't love her? Are you serious? The entire time, Sasuke was very clearly shown to be aggravated because people who weren't supposed to be at his and Naruto's secret meeting place kept showing up. He didn't look happy when first meeting Naruto either, despite not seeing him for just as long. So what? You think that means he doesn't care about Naruto either? He was aggravated that Sarada was there because she was supposed to be in the village safe from all this, he was annoyed with Naruto for allowing the kids to follow him in the first place, and yeah, he didn't jump for joy when seeing Sakura because again, she was meant to be watching over Sarada in the village. One of the biggest incentives for his secrecy was to keep Sarada safe, and everything that was happening then, was the opposite of that.

He couldn't even bother to send a letter to her and Sarada to let them know he was alright and thinking about them during this period. And no, please don't come at me with that bullshit excuse that he didn't keep in contact because he wanted to keep the secrecy of his mission and did not want any private information to leak and that's why he was only keeping in contact with the Hokage or whatever. No one says that if he ever bothered to write them he had to go into details about his mission. He could've just told them he's alright, that he misses them and hopes they're fine and that would've been great too and wouldn't have compromised his mission in any way.

You can call it a "bullshit excuse" all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that this is the reason that was given. But it's like people just refuse to acknowledge the fact that Sasuke admitted that he had made a big mistake, and refused to allow Sakura to apologise because he knew that he was the one at fault:

I mean what? Do people think that Sasuke has to be perfect or something? Is he not a human who makes mistakes just like everyone else? Sasuke knew that he took his secrecy too far, he hadn't anticipated the adverse affects his absence would have on Sarada, and he apologised for his mistake. Why? Because he cares, for goodness sake it's not hard to comprehend. I seriously would have never thought that people would actually question whether or not he loves his family. Why would Kishi promote a loveless marriage in his manga aimed at young boys? It just boggles the mind. If Sasuke didn't care about them, he wouldn't have thought he did anything wrong by his lack of contact with his daughter. I emphasise with his daughter because Sakura was still somewhat in contact with Sasuke as she was kept informed of what he was doing.

In my opinion Kishimoto wrote SS in this ambiguous way to appease both the SS haters and the SS shippers.

Why would Kishi care about appeasing the same fans who harassed him so badly following the manga's conclusion, that his editior had to respond in broken English and basically tell those entitled children that the story doesn't belong to them? I'll reiterate that there's nothing "ambiguous" about their relationship, nor is Kishi implying anything. Gaiden made it crystal clear, that the love between the Uchiha family is the real deal, there's nothing ambiguous about that statement, there's nothing ambiguous about Sasuke giving Sakura the forehead poke, and there's nothing ambiguous about Sasuke flat out clarifying that his heart is connected to Sakura's.

[makeste]

i saw a post that explained well why i hate this: deku's outlook is now like kacchan's at the beginning. whereas before he saw people like kacchan, aizawa & shoto as heroes, strong & admirable, now he looks down on them (regardless of intent), invalidates their decision to participate and only sees them as useless and bloody. now kacchan's the kid throwing a notebook at a villain and deku's the one dismissing him (see: kacchan's sacrifice). i guess the speech from post-ground beta 2 is forgotten

also like seriously fuck the narrative, fuck all might and tbh fuck deku too lol kacchan kept their stupid fucking useless secret, helped deku train for months on end while knowing deku getting stronger and dominating 7 entire effing quirks inevitably meant kacchan never would even have the slightest chance to accomplish any of his dreams, worried his mind off about deku (all might knows, not like he gives a fuck), mounted strategies to prevent deku from battling alone, sacrificed himself (cont)

(contd) got out of his literal coma bed marching to see deku while still bleeding from the mouth, was dismissed by everyone, and still nothing at all. his hero name reveal was treated like a fucking joke, his sacrifice amounted to nothing by the stellar narrative, he was off paneled for literally anything that wasn't a stupid gag, and now he's thrown aside like garbage. hero name after all might: all might doesn't care. all might in the room hearing the ruckus: doesn't care, but ida & co (cont)

(contd) can see him. spent months helping deku & all might figure out the ofa stuff, with the most productive contributions: no one cares. so to have not only deku dismiss him like this (he's now a useless victim, not a hero who decides to collaborate, help, and save), but also all might, who kacchan also did all of this for, and who told them THEY, TOGETHER, would be the best winning to save and whatever, so sucks. all might no longer has any use for bakugo, so he's ignored and thrown aside.

(last ask abt this i swear) & ALL OF THIS comes after kacchan's plot has been reduced to absolutetely nothing but deku to the point he has spent literal years of this manga without even interacting with kiri or kami. at least have kiri in his room when he woke up but nope, not even that, kiri's with shoto for some reason bc we have to make a gag out of kacchan's worry and he can't have meaningful interactions. no battles, no wins, no friends. just a side char in the ofa plot, now not even that

anon, no offense (because you seem polite enough in spite of this ask getting rather heated), but I disagree with literally every single point in this ask. literally every last one. this is basically all of my least favorite discourse bundled into a single post. I don't particularly enjoy reading "fuck All Might and Deku" in my inbox first thing in the morning, and I don't like reading paragraphs of hyperbolic negativity about Kacchan being shortchanged because the story doesn't revolve around him every single moment, and we haven't yet -- yet, because the story is still very much ongoing -- gotten to the narrative payoff for things like his hero name and his reunion with Deku. these are opinions you're more than welcome to post about on your own blog, anon. but to be frank, I'm not keen on spending a ton of mental energy trying to change your mind on my own blog when I'd much rather be discussing other things about the chapter and about the series. so yeah, my apologies, but I'm just going to leave it at that.

---

ETA: as promised anon, here are links to my other posts about the various topics you brought up:

re: Deku’s current mindset (tl;dr he’s traumatized by what happened at Jakku and him pushing everyone else away because he’s afraid of them getting hurt is totally expected)

more on said mindset and what drives it, and the parallels between him and Kacchan (and why Kacchan is inevitably going to be the one to knock some sense back into him)

meta on Deku’s role as a MC and how that affects his characterization (by design, for better or for worse)

and a couple of add-ons to that meta

meta re: All Might keeping OFA a secret

and another post about that

and another!! this is why I don’t want to talk about it any more lol

meta re: the meaning of Kacchan’s new hero name (which btw All Might hasn’t even heard yet, and which I suspect has more to do with Deku anyway)

and lastly, re: fandom needing to chill and be patient when it comes to Kacchan and Deku’s storyline

a big part of my reluctance to wade into these discourse waters again is because I would probably just be reiterating stuff I’ve already said in previous posts. but anyway so here you go if you or anyone else is interested.

[wh33zy]

My Read on Terrorist: the Black Sheep of Junjou Romantica

Tonight, I wanted to do an analysis of the most controversial couple to enter Nakamura’s arena and to make waves in the BL world. I will be analyzing them both separately and then together. Through the scrutiny of all fans alike, they have prevailed and have become one of the healthiest as well as charming couples that Nakamura has created to date. This is all despite the fucked up situation that they’re in.

So, why were/are they vehemently hated? The main reason I found was because of their seventeen year age gap. As a refresher: Miyagi starts the story at the age of 34 and Shinobu starts at 17, months away from turning 18. Miyagi was more recently divorced from Shinobu’s older sister, Risako, who are both the children of the dean at Mitsuhashi University where Miyagi works as a tenured professor. Upon hearing about Miyagi’s divorce, Shinobu flew back to Japan from studying abroad in Australia in order to pursue him. Through Miyagi trying to get Shinobu to fall out of love with him as well as trying to help get him into college, Miyagi ends up catching feelings for Shinobu. This is where their relationship starts. 

Takatsuki Shinobu: He isn’t a terribly complex character, but one of the most interesting yet. He still remains quite mysterious, as he won’t share any details about himself unless someone asks, so for likes/dislikes as well as hobbies, I think he has a lot of potential to be even more interesting as the chapters go on. But, we do know that he is incredibly book smart from the way he excels in all of his studies/studied abroad/is bilingual and socially smart with the way he seems to make a lot of friends pretty easily. 

His emotions run incredibly deep, and each one he feels hits him incredibly hard where he can’t help but express it outwardly. He has a pretty aggressive way of doing it too. This is evident by the way he’ll throw a punch if he’s mad (not a serious one) or tackle Miyagi in a hug when he’s really happy. He’s an open book who’ll let you know what he thinks without any fear, no matter who you are. Not only does this make him the peak of direct and straightforward, but this can make him rather intimidating and come even more aggressive than he already does.

He’s a tough guy, doesn’t look it, but he is. He’s a little rough around the edges. I am of the opinion that he was sent to Australia to be tamed but only came back tougher. The Texas of Britain only made him even stronger and this is evident by the way he cowers when he’s fourteen when he’s confronted by three grown men. If adult Shinobu were in the situation, those three men would have their souls snatched. What this paragraph is saying is that Shinobu is the type of person who when thrown to the wolves, he comes back leading the pack. 

He’s also the most ambitious and determined in terms of getting what he wants out of life. If he wants it, Shinobu will try his damnedest to get it with no hesitation. He’s either all in or not at all. At the same time, however, he won’t waste his own time/energy. If it isn’t meant to be, he will completely change course to move on. 

I think this is what separates him from almost all of Nakamura’s characters; when he found out about Miyagi still having feelings for his sensei, he wasn’t willing to wait around. While he did love Miyagi with all he had, he took it upon himself to look out for his own best interests and move on. I think he realizes that love, more specifically with Miyagi, is an amazing luxury and a dream but not a necessity in his life. Shinobu wanted to be someone’s number one and someone to be ride or die for him as well, since he would be the same, so he only accepted Miyagi when became that someone. 

At the same time, Shinobu didn’t force nor want Miyagi to forget about his sensei because he understood that she was an important part of his life. While it does seem like he was acting in desperation, this is why I don’t think it was. Shinobu wanted Miyagi before his sister married him so when the divorce happened, he took his chance to pursue Miyagi, and was ready to back out (more than once!) when it didn’t seem like it would work. 

Here’s the thing that makes him more mortal: he’s kind of insecure. While he does have confidence in his abilities to do anything, he actually worries about what people think of him. He wants to be well-liked, he wants to be someone who people think is great. He also worries a lot about how Miyagi sees him, if he’s too immature and young for him. However, he turns these things into self-improvement instead of wallowing. He constantly works on improving cooking and being more social, smiling more, etc.

At the end of the day, Shinobu has a lot of self respect, a drive to improve, and is very considerate towards others (although it’s not obvious, he is!) and I found him to be pretty mature for someone just entering adulthood. All of the reasons above are why he is one of my favorites and why I find him a force to be reckoned with. 

Miyagi Yoh: He’s a pretty simple guy: Graduated high school, went to college, found his career, got married (then divorced), is a history buff, and an avid reader. He has pretty traditional leaning values and views and can be a jokester at times. There really isn’t a lot to Miyagi, but I personally don’t think there needs to be. He’s actually the more laid back one in the relationship, although he has his moments where he can be uptight and more reserved. 

He’s a more gentle person and definitely cares about being professional, about the proper ways to go about things. Although he is ambitious when it comes to the important stuff, he can sometimes be quite wishy-washy and unsure of himself. His confidence in his own abilities isn’t terribly high, but he does try his best. He does tend to go with the flow sometimes and struggles with handling difficult situations.

He also has his insecurities that are quite similar to Shinobu: his age and if he good enough. In the manga, you see these come up a lot, since he worries about these things pretty often. It’s why he gets so bothered by Shinobu smiling and getting along with girls his age. He can’t help but worry that maybe Shinobu might want that “normal” life and leave him for it. 

Which brings me to his main problem: anxiety. A lot of Miyagi’s acting out or on impulse stem from harboring a lot of anxiety. He tends to worry a lot about the future, if he’s doing enough, if he’s good enough, Shinobu’s feelings, Shinobu’s well-being, Shinobu’s future, and being left behind again. When he spirals into anxiety for one of these reasons, he tends to shut down and close himself off or act on impulse. 

While it does seem like he has a much better handle on controlling, hiding, and understanding his feelings/emotions, he really fucking doesn’t. What he really does with his feelings is not express them or acknowledge them and hold them in until they explode. I think this stems from the fact that he’s supposed to be the ‘calm and collected adult’, and having to hide his feelings for his sensei when he was with Risako. Now, let’s talk about his sensei for a moment: the sensei I’m referring to is the first women he fell in love with when he was in high school where they had a similar age gap to him and Shinobu now. Sensei was terminally ill and Miyagi helped with some of her care and was also there at the time of her passing. He never seemed to get over her for the next seventeen or so years after that. Miyagi squashed down his grief, so he never really coped or got through it. 

It and the divorce also left him with some abandonment issues which is another explanation why he was so upset when he found out Shinobu was planning to leave and went after him even though it collided with him not wanted to acknowledge his feelings. This also explains his jealousy when he sees Shinobu acting cheerfully with others; he’s afraid of being left behind again. 

So, I can confidently say that Miyagi doesn’t like dealing with his emotions and maybe doesn’t know how to. He’s also not confident in how he should go about them. This is especially prominent in the way that he’s not sure when/if he should be affectionate with Shinobu. He worries about the timing of it, what if Shinobu isn’t in the mood, if he should bother Shinobu with it in the first place, etc. This caused him to not really take any initiative in their relationship for a while until he realized it (with Shinobu’s help of course) and worked on it to improve. 

The Relationship: So, ironically, although they have the most problematic and drama inducing set up, they are the healthiest couple yet. They are healthier than the main couple on the cover (I have yet to see Romantica be as open with each other as they are but Romantica is on their way)! Of course, they’re not at Mistake level...yet. 

Whatever problems in their relationship, insecurities, inner most feelings, and needs are discussed. They are both big on communication, and have been irritated when one of them isn’t talking. They also don’t hide their feelings or issues from each other, so their level of understanding one another’s points of view is pretty high. If there’s something wrong, they talk it out and it’s solved by the end of the chapter. Showing affection also is not a big deal in the sense that no one is too embarrassed or too desperate. They can hug and kiss casually without it being a big thing. They never have to wonder if they’re wanted by each other and they make it obvious that they care. They also make an effort to spend time with each other and plan dates. They also are interested and invested in each other’s lives/interests. They are just plain sweet on one another.

Terrorist is what the title suggests: Pure Romance. 

But all of this is ignored, these two barely given a chance by a lot of fans because of their age gap. Because an almost middle aged man is dating his ex-wife’s younger brother which is the ultimate betrayal by a sibling and an ex. Which, I understand! I totally don’t blame someone for being uncomfortable with this sort of thing and it turning them off! But, don’t hate on them and then in the same breath uplift Egoist/Minimum or Nostalgia when they WISH they could be half as functional and sweet as Terrorist is. 

And that is the darjeeling!

[elliotapricot]

Reviewing My Anime 10/10's *Relatively* Spoiler-Free

Note: What I rank a 10/10 is very specific and obviously very subjective to my own. Something can only be a 10/10 if I already consider it a 9/10 AND I must have rewatched it. I am someone who typically does not rewatch/reread anything, unless it's something I truly absolutely enjoy. With that being said, because of the requirements, I only have 4 animes that I rank 10/10, and tbh only one of those animes would get that ranking from the general anime audience. The rest are SO SO SO specific to my particular tastes that I would be absolutely stunned if someone also had the same four as me, because the requirement is so specific. Imma make another post eventually for my 9/10's because I think that list makes a lot more sense for a general anime audience lmaooo.

Soooo, in order of least personal to most personal (although obviously they're all personal to me lol) we have:

1. Psycho-Pass

Recommended for people who: are really into that dark dystopian future society vibes, are fans of Ghost in the Shell, like detective/crime stories

Okay, for a few people, this one actually probably makes some sense. At the moment, it has an 8.37 on myanimelist which means this anime is super well liked. I've watched this anime twice, first the original and then the second time I watched the director's cut (yes that exists lol). Overall, I'm a huge fan of the entire Psycho-Pass anime series as a whole. I've watched all three seasons, as well as two of the movies. I didn't watch any of the Sinners of the System ones cuz tbh I literally couldn't find an english sub of that anywhere, it just doesn't exist lol. I think it's okay cuz the ratings for the Sinners of the System trio of movies seems meh. I've actually watched Psycho-Pass the Movie like three/four times LMAO but that's simply cuz a movie is obviously much quicker to watch than an entire anime season. Like just objectively, the Psycho Pass series as a whole is very inconsistent in quality due to the fact that it's all original, so they do technically just make up everything as they go lol. Season two is all right (I think it gets more hate than it should), three is good but season one by far is the absolute best in the entire series. I'd argue the movie is technically my absolute favorite out of the whole IP, but I actually give the movie an 8/10. The movie, because of being obviously way shorter, simply does not have the deep controversial and philosophical lines of thought that season one has. It lacks that extra depth that would make me put it anything higher than an 8. The two main characters have good chemistry as a crime-fighting duo and the main villain's rivalry/relationship with the male lead is super compelling. The female lead is meant to be relatively naive/more on the innocent side which works with the plot as it allows the show to naturally explain and give more exposition as to the actual world and rules of Psycho-Pass without having it seem so ham-fisted or just throwing info to the audience.

2. Violet Evergarden

Recommended for people who: cry to sad movies, like gorgeous animation, are very empathetic, like vignette-esque storytelling

All right if you even remotely consider yourself an avid anime fan, then this anime is probably also somewhere on your 10/10 list or at least an anime you consider to be "very good." That is, unless you are that very vocal minority who simply really just REALLY do not like this anime for some god forsaken reason. However, in my honest opinion, I think an anime like this just really doesn't sit well with ... how do I put this blunty ... people who do not give a fuck about other people or anyone else's feelings but their own. Basically, IF YOU ARE SELFISH, A NARCISSIST, EGOTISTICAL, OR ANY SORT OF COMBO OF THOSE THREE, YOU WILL NOT LIKE THIS ANIME. And if you do, you probably don't think you're any of those things. Because of the anime's very premise, I find it very difficult to see a very self-centered/heartless person particularly enjoying this anime. The whole premise of this anime is that the main character who, because of her upbringing, doesn't understand feelings/emotions, especially the concept of love, grows as a human and slowly begins to learn what love is. The show does this by showing multiple sets of characters meant to represent different types of love (romantic, familial, platonic, etc). The vocal minority of people I've seen give Violet Evergarden bad ratings all typically argue that although beautiful, the anime doesn't have any substance/doesn't really mean anything. If that's honestly all you got after watching the entire show, then you deadass just don't get it, and you probably will never ever get it. If you've seen or heard of Vivy: Fluorite Eye's Song, than just know that these two animes are VERY very similar in vibe despite being technically different genres. However, I personally found the themes and concepts in Vivy are done much more masterfully in Violet Evergarden which I think is due to Vivy's heavier focus on a story-driven overarching plot/action as opposed to Violet Evergarden's focus more on emotional impact/an episodic format. I've watched the entire series and I've rewatched the main show twice. TBH you can probably skip the gaiden movie AKA the one set at the girl's academy it was highkey pointless. Compared to the opera episode they added as a "special", the gaiden movie was still good but I wish resources were dedicated to something that actually added to the story. ALSO YES I KNOW ITS A GAIDEN AKA A SIDE STORY AKA FILLER SO YES NO DUH IT DIDNT ADD ANYTHING, BUT STILL. As for the main show, I think I cried for three episodes (the one about the playwright/author I forgot lol, the mother and daughter, and the soldier). On my rewatch, I didn't cry but I still deeply cared for and related to the characters. Violet Evergarden is a beautiful anime with a beautiful story.

3. ACCA: 13-ku Kansatsu Ka

Recommended for people who: like bread and bakeries, don't mind a very chill and slow-paced story, like stories about political intrigue and hidden agendas

Based on a relatively short manga, ACCA: 13 follows the main character Jean Otus as he performs his job of auditing the 13 districts of his country Dowa, while rumors and politics brew in the background that threaten to entangle Jean into a complicated plot. To be honest, I think properly reviewing this anime is impossible for me, because I just can't really explain the vibes of this anime besides "chill" and "intriguing." I think trying to explain anything more than the basic premise I just wrote would spoil a lot of what ACCA is, because it's plot is actually relatively quite simple and straightforward. Compared to Psycho-Pass which has a relatively good cult following, and Violet Evergarden which is universally praised, ACCA is an anime that I've yet to personally meet anyone who has ever even heard of it LMAOO. And almost everyone I know watches anime, so that's saying something oof. ACCA is made by Madhouse, which if you don't know, is a super well known anime studio, producing big hits such as Death Note, Hunter x Hunter, One Punch Man, etc. That's why I'm surprised that ACCA has flown just SO under the radar, but that may be due to the overalls nature of the anime itself. ACCA is an anime where all the characters hold their card close and no one seems to really share their real thoughts. One main criticism the anime has is the lack of deeper connections to characters and that for a main character, Jean Otus is very bland. To be honest, I think that's a very fair criticism and I can understand why this would prevent people from rating this anime higher than an 8 or 7. Due to the very nature of the anime and its plot, I do agree that there is a huge cast of colorful characters that we unfortunately don't really get to know more about. To be honest though, I don't mind this because I feel that's honestly quite realistic, especially factoring in Jean's job. All these places he's going and all these people he's meeting, it's literally just his job. He's not on vacation, these people aren't his friends, so the anime has no real reason to dwell much longer on places past its specific episode. Just like in real life, you encounter so many people and go past so many places that you probably won't ever see again. So for me personally, I didn't mind that the anime didn't explicitly show much about the backstories or lives of the cast, save for the very main characters (as their backstories were plot relevant). I think as viewers of not simply an anime, but a whole other world, I think it should be satisfactory to inherently understand that these are whole "people" who have entire lives that we are not exactly privy to. So although admittedly our understanding of many of the characters was all around quite shallow, I think that works for the scope of the anime, which was relatively simple and focused on just Jean living his life and the political plot stirring in the background until it was brought forward in the second half of the anime. Also I love Jean Otus. I actually completely absolutely adore him. He is literally my profile pic for myanimelist LMAO. I think calling him "bland" is fair from other people's perspectives, especially as the supposed main character of an ANIME, but I feel that if ACCA was in a different format like a novel, I think his personality would have been less criticized. Like I said, I love him soo much. I don't find him bland at all, but actually very interesting and highkey attractive LOL (if only he'd quit smoking but it's part of his charm 😞). Yes for an anime "protagonist," he is quite underwhelming especially compared to others, but I think that makes him very charming!!! Like all he wants to do is just chill, vibe, and do his job lmaooo. I think as a person, he’s very charismatic, and in the world of ACCA the rest of the characters see that as well. Because like, if he really were such a bland person, why would so many people like him and actually trust him lol? As for why it’s technically my favorite anime of all time (my ultimate one is a movie), I can’t give super detailed reasons why to be honest. I just really like the overall vibes of the anime itself, and I think the anime is just super unique and original. I’ve watched a ton of anime over the years, but I’ve genuinely seen nothing like ACCA in the slightest. I mean, just look at the recommended animes on the myanimelist. The recommended animes are all stuff I’ve also personally really liked (like fugou keiji unlimited and the great pretender) but yeah there’s just truly nothing that’s close to what ACCA is, and because of that, it reminds my absolute favorite anime show. I’ve seen the dub and the sub, even though I am a vehement dub hater lmaooo (except for very few circumstances, and this also applies to all non-English media, not just anime). There was only one thing in the entire show that slightly confused me/ seemed slightly unbelievable and I won’t spoil but it had something to do with the overall timeline of some events, but it doesn’t detract from the story at all. Oh and the art style! I really love the art style of the anime. It stays pretty true to the manga, but is also just an overall kind of art style I really like. I really enjoy the more like 2d/flat/drawn art style versus really clean and really detailed stuff, and I’m typically not a big fan of very obvious use of CGI (unless done tastefully like in Demon Slayer). All the backgrounds in ACCA have this painted/drawn style and the anime itself has this like muted(?) filter over it that makes the anime seem like someone’s drawings just put up on display in a way that’s really refreshing and nice. I highly recommend this story for anyone who wants a breath of fresh air and to get away from the typical action-packed high energy of big name anime.

4. From Up on Poppy Hill

Imma make a whole separate post JUST for this movie so I can explain why I love this movie so so much. And honestly, Imma need a whole separate post in the first place to address the elephant in the room when it comes to this movie (if you’ve seen it, then you know what I’m talking about). And if you’ve haven’t seen the movie, maybe you’ve heard about one of its controversial themes. I’m not gonna say what it is, cuz I KNOW it’ll be super off-putting for a lot of people, but please omg just hear me out. I just love this movie so so much. I’ve seen it like 7 times and counting. I have it downloaded on my computer and on a flash drive. I’ve watched the sub AND the dub however I’ve stopped watching the dub because it makes me sad every time I hear Shun’s voice actor ;-; This movie is legit an honest-to-god comfort movie for me that I could watch over and over and I’ll fall in love with it again each and every time. And once again IMMA MAKE A WHOLE SEPARATE POST BECAUSE I SWEAR PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE LIKE “Yo ain’t this the movie with the -----” and it’s like PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN. The vibes of this movie, the themes it addresses (yes even THAT theme), the music, the art, the characters, is perfectly presented in a way that I will never stop watching this movie. The only other film that has come close to the amount of times I’ve watched From Up on Poppy Hill would be Legally Blonde lmaooooo.