#(just in case someone is actually reading i don't know if i think that bisexual is actually the right term for me

[giuggiulu]

Anyway next time y'all want to make fun of lesbians for how fast they move in a relationship take a sec to think about former-lesbians-maybe-they-were-bi-all-along and their wet rat boyfriends

[seventeenpins]

bad girl

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

word count: 4.1k

summary: you're staying in your hometown for a couple of months with your mom and relatively new stepdad. he walks in on you masturbating, and is surprised at the sort of porn you've been watching. no outbreak. very smutty. 18+

warnings: ooh god where to begin??, reader is kind of a detached menace but in a fun way?, masturbation, porn watching, infidelity, choking, pussy slapping, pussy eating, unsafe piv, dirty talk, big dick, daddy kink, bit of breeding kink, age difference (unspecified, but reader is late 20s, joel mid-40s or whatever you like really), begging, slight dom/sub vibes, readers mum is a ho, somewhat degrading language (probably other warnings????)

a/n: honestly don't know what happened here. one minute i was working on what i intended to be a lil daddy kink drabble and then it turned into a whole other beast. also--i'm a recently out nb person but feel most of my writing has focused on fem readers. any nbs out there who'd want smut more tailored to us??? doesn't come up in this fic, but in my heart joel miller is bisexual and would make for some gr8 gender play ahhhh

you had only met your stepdad twice before he married your mom, and only a couple of times since, and you could never quite get a read on him. he seemed quiet and gruff. upsettingly hot with his salt and pepper hair, and his biceps, and his little bit of tummy, but seemingly entirely unattainable (how your mom pulled him, you'll never know). your mom didn't have the greatest track record as far as not cheating on her husbands, and you didn't know how much or how little he knew about her past, but you were incredibly curious how long this one'd last.

he's polite. enigmatic. a man of few words. he had two kids, who you hadn't actually met yet, but they were a few years younger than you and away at college--one daughter from a previous marriage, the other adopted when he was a single dad.

you'd only been staying here for a couple of weeks, usually only home for two months out of the year to do some freelance work and catch up with friends, but since your mom got remarried (again) you're adjusting to the new dynamic. you didn't have the best relationship with your mom, but you didn't argue. didn't fight. didn't have enough interest or passion to try and make her angry. you had a mutual understanding--you'd stay here for a couple months of the year, rent-free, and you wouldn't get into it with her about how her four husbands and a dozen boyfriends in between them in the nearly thirty years you'd been alive had simply made you impassive towards most men, knowing they'd never be able to stick around, and instead you took what you wanted and then ditched them before they could ditch you. to say you had daddy issues was just the tip of the iceberg.

there's only been one family dinner night since you've been back, but calling it awkward was an understatement. you were sat in almost total silence, as your mom scrolls on her phone and joel scoops up some mashed potatoes and slaps them onto his plate.

"so, uh-," he begins, clearly not sure how to start a conversation, "how's your work been going? guessing it's pretty slow these months since you're able to take the time away? your freelance stuff going well?"

"sure," you agree, "it does get slow this time of year. freelance has been good. got a couple of projects i'm enjoying working on."

there's another silence.

"your momma said you'd been dating someone you met at your work? how's that been going?"

you laughed, thinking back to one of the only guys you'd mentioned to your mother, less out of a closeness to him and more because you wanted your mom to get off your case, "honestly, that ended a while ago. he was a pretty terrible lay."

joel clearly wasn't expecting that, and you smirked at him as he choked on the beer he was sipping, coughing and trying to cover up any spittle. your mom gently pats him on the back, still staring at her phone, not even listening. typical.

not sure how to follow this up, joel just shrugs and puts on a stoic face. "sorry to hear about that, sweetheart. what a shame."

you'd be lying if you said that didn't make your heart flutter just a little.

you've attuned to the general framework of home again. you've noticed a few other things, too. first, your stepdad seems to be taking a whole lot of evening shifts. second, your mom seems to be out when he's out, too, but always manages to slip in just before he gets home. finally, if there's one thing you know about joel, it's that if he's working an evening shift, you can pretty much guarantee that he's gonna be at least an hour later coming home than he says he'll be. more often than not, two. you've been here for sixteen days, and in the eleven days he's worked late, he's been late late. and this morning, joel said he wouldn't be home till at least 9pm.

it's only 5pm, so you think absolutely nothing of it when you pull up your favorite porn site, careless about keeping your bedroom door closed.

sometimes it takes you a long time to decide on what porn to watch. sometimes you want the release, and just need something that'll get you there quick. and then there are some days where you know exactly what you want. you know exactly how you want it, and you know just where to find it.

you've got an incognito browser up as you scroll through the page till you find the section you're looking for. click open a couple of videos in separate tabs. skip the ads.

place the laptop beside you, choose one to start with, and watch as the scene unfolds.

you need this. it's only been a couple of weeks since you've gotten laid, but you and your most recent fuck buddy have more or less broken up and you are extraordinarily horny, with no outlet besides your hand (and, technically, your trusty magic wand, but you forgot to bring your charging cable and she's only got so much life in her).

you focus on the scene, slowly dragging your fingers along your pussy lips, your other hand pinching and twisting at a nipple. you listen to the moans on screen as you tease yourself, dipping a finger into your tight, wet heat, and then adding another. the friction begins to build, and the pressure you're putting on your clit is just right.

"fuck", you let out a breathless moan as you start finger fucking yourself in earnest. your hips are stuttering and you feel it building so deliciously and you absolutely don't hear the knock on your door and the slight clear of a throat.

and then you register it, a couple of moments later.

you look up from your laptop screen and towards your door and you see your stepdad, cup of coffee in hand, and he's staring at you with an expression you can't parse, one eyebrow raised.

you buffer, taking a moment more for you to react to him, and you manage it in the worst possible way.

"fuck!!" you shout, slamming the laptop shut and practically flinging it away from you, pulling your hand from under the sheets and not-so-subtly wiping your slick on your duvet, and pulling your top back down over your tits. it's all done in a split second, and it was neither low-key nor quiet. you know your face is growing more flushed by the moment, and you can swear joel is actually smirking.

you stare each other down before you finally speak, "what are you doing home so early?"

"i live here," joel shrugs, takes a sip of the coffee, and then realises he might sound like a bit of a dick. "just- uh. just found out some... shitty news. decided to take the day off."

you almost forget the situation, quick to voice your worry--"are you okay joel? what's going on?"

he snorts. opens his mouth and closes it, as if he's decided better of it, and then opens it again. "just found out your mom's been stepping out on me. well. thought it was true for a while, but my brother just saw her with some guy. guess that's all the confirmation i need." he laughs, wryly, and his smile is dangerous.

"well shit," you say. it doesn't surprise you in the least, but you're not sure if it'd be better or worse to acknowledge that, and then you immediately remember your newest stepfather just caught you masturbating and you're deeply self conscious again.

"i'm really sorry, joel, but you've clearly-" you clear your throat, "caught me at a bad time. is there something i can help you with?"

he looks you up and down for a moment, and you can swear he's looking at your mouth for a second longer than you'd expect.

"well," he says, "i'd come up to see if you wanted anything for dinner. i was gonna order takeout."

there's a long pause.

"but now i'm curious about what i interrupted."

your eyes widen.

"let me see your computer. i wanna know what you were watching that you're so embarrassed of."

you immediately grab your laptop close to you and shake your head. this is something joel cannot see. "absolutely fuckin not," you tell him, and his smile gets sharper.

"i wasn't askin', sweetheart."

there's something dangerous about him now, and even though it frightens you, it's somehow exciting, too. commanding. persuasive.

he puts his mug down, and you barely think about what you're doing when you hand him the laptop, type in the password, and turn it around towards him.

you can't bare to look at the screen at the same time as him. it's fucked up and weird and he'd have every reason to avoid you forever after this, but there's a small (but persuasive) part of you that's telling you that this is a line he's willingly crossing, and there's a charge beneath it, and maybe you could get from him exactly what you want.

you study his face as he scrolls down the page. you hear him click, but no sound starts playing--he must be looking at the other tabs.

his eyes widen, and you can hear your heartbeat pounding as you watch his face.

you want him to say something. you need him to say something.

he hits play on one of the videos and the room is immediately fills with the sounds of slick flesh and moans and cries of "oh, daddy, oh daddy please--"

it's only then that he looks at you.

"well aren't you a filthy girl, hmm?" joel ridicules, "and don't think i don't notice the trend with these little videos of yours."

it's humiliating. you almost expect to die out of embarrassment right on the spot.

"look at some of these titles," joel continues, "stepdaughter gets fingerfucked by stepdaddy, stepdaughter's pussy pumped with daddy's cum ASMR, jesus christ girl-" he laughs, incredulous, "letting my stepdaddy breed my little hole".

joel's staring you down and you still haven't said anything, and that just won't do.

"these the usual kinda thing you like to touch yourself to? or is this a new subject now that you're home, spending time around your stepdaddy?"

"i-" you start, "i don't know, i-"

it's not an act, you're pretty fuckin frazzled, practically cocooning yourself in your covers and you shrink back in shame, and this seems to amuse joel to no end

"how's this, sweet girl," he says, and you realise he's been getting closer and closer to you and now he's seated only inches from your bare legs and pussy, still covered up with your blankets, "you tell me to stop, and i'll leave this room right now and close the door and we can pretend i never saw anything here-"

"no!" you cry out, and then slap a hand over your mouth, eyes wide at yourself while joel starts to chuckle.

"or," he continues, "you can let your stepdaddy make you feel real good."

"yes-" you cry, and not a moment later, the blankets are being pulled back and he's stroking two thick fingers along your cunt.

"there's a good girl," he says, and actually groans as he dips into you, collecting your slick, "so fucking wet for me. it is me you've been thinking about, ain't it?" he asks.

"yes joel," you say, because it's the fucking truth. you've been thinking about him nonstop for a while now, thinking about how his muscled arms look in those stupid threadbare t-shirts, thinking about the sigh he makes when he's had his first sip of a cold beer, thinking about the silver of his hair, the brown of his eyes, and the mere idea of what his cock might taste like. "i've wanted you to fuck me since i first met you."

he lets out a fuckin growl and presses his fingers into you. "such a cute little pussy, already dripping for me, huh?" he moans, and it's two digits pressing into you, but you've been working yourself up for a little while now and you're already swollen and wet and they slip right in. he finger fucks you for a moment before turning back to the laptop.

"which one's your favorite?" he nods at your screen, "which one do you watch and wish it was happening to you?"

you swallow and click back to another tab.

"letting my stepdaddy breed my little hole?", he snorts, "you really are a dirty girl, aren't you? get up off the bed." he commands.

you obey, standing up and kicking off the panties still around your ankles.

"and take that top off," he commands, and you do, pulling your top up over your tits and melting at the sound of his groan at seeing you bare for him.

he sits down on the bed with his legs spread, jeans still on. "you come sit here by daddy's lap," he says, and you do, sitting in between his thighs, inching back ever so slightly until you could feel his hard cock straining against his pants.

he runs his fingertips down your body, down your breasts and torso, dipping into your bellybutton, before drawing little circles on your hips.

'hit play," he says, and you grab the laptop next to you and resume the video.

he copies the video, rubbing one hand along your pussy and the other holding your thighs open.

"that's it," he coaxes, "keep those legs open for me, yeah?"

you're about to agree, when he starts stroking little circles around your already stimulated clit and the ability to speak leaves you. all you can do is focus on trying to keep your legs open, but your thighs are already almost quivering and he only chuckles.

"barely even touched you and you're already stupid."

you tried to nod and let out a sad whimper, tipping your head back and resting on his shoulder. he keeps his thumb pressed on your clit while he pumps his middle and index fingers in and out of you. it's so wonderfully, deliciously wrong. it feels addictive.

"you're doing so good, sweetheart, fucking on daddy's fingers like that," he praises, and it sends another spark of electricity building in your centre. encouraged, you start rocking your hips towards him, meeting each thrust of his fingers. "ready for another one?" he asks, and you nod vigorously.

he takes a moment to hold open your pussy and lean over you to look at it, stroking his fingertips along the outer lips, gathering some of your arousal, and prodding back your hood to get a little direct contact with your clit that leaves you writhing and gasping. he's smirking again, and presses a third finger into you. he curls them upwards, fucking the digits into you so nicely, and you enjoy the sensation as your arousal builds and builds and builds and-- as you come, you white out for just a moment, and as you come back into reality you can hear him speaking to you, "oh you're clenching so tight on my fingers, messy girl, look how you're dripping so nice down my fuckin' wrist. you're a nasty little slut, just like your momma huh? but i know you're gonna be a good girl for daddy, ain't ya?"

you continue to grind on his hand as his fingers stay buried in you, as you ride out the rest of your orgasm. only when you still does joel pull his fingers out of you.

as if hypnotised, he examines the arousal coating them. then, quick as anything, he pops his fingers in his mouth and sucks off your slick, immediately looking sheepish as though this was the only line he'd just crossed.

as quickly as he had become shy, he switched back to overt confidence. "y'just taste so good, sweetheart," he says, and then starts stroking your pussy again. "you're gonna let me have a proper taste, aren't you honey?"

you nod helplessly. it's so fucking good, it's too fucking good.

he scoots out from behind you and you buckle a little, toppling back onto the space he left. he's in front of you now and presses your thighs apart again, dropping to his knees on front of the bed's edge. he runs his tongue up your inner thigh, chuckling at your whimpers as he bites and nips at the sensitive skin. he takes a tentative lick, drawing his tongue towards your clit, circling it gently, and then dipping back before pulling off you for a moment.

"y'taste so fucking nice," he breathes, and his exhale on your slick pussy is exquisite. "i could just drink you up."

he presses the hood of your clit back once more, leaving his thumb there, applying perfect pressure as he flicks his tongue directly on that bundle of nerve endings and you feel like you're on fire.

"fuck, joel, yes-" you cry out, but he pulls back and shushes you.

"shhh," he says, "you don't call me joel right now, baby."

"i don't-?" you say, taken aback by the sudden lack of contact. then it clicks. "daddy-"

he smirks, "that's a good girl, sweetheart. wasn't too hard, now, was it?"

"no, daddy," you agree, and he's already diving back in, pressing his tongue into you in long strokes, letting you grind against his nose, his lips, the scratch of his cheeks, every movement he's making is so fucking perfect.

as he devours you, he presses his fingers into you again, and then you can't help yourself. you rut up on him, totally unable to practice anything resembling self restraint. in between strokes of his tongue, he pulls back and tells you, "i'm gonna need at least one more from you, baby, before you even get to think about sitting on this cock."

you let out a crazed whine, feeling joel's chuckle as he dives back in, eating your pussy like he was made to do only that.

he continues to build you up and up and without warning, you reach your peak again and come all over his face, your wet pussy drenching him and he closes his eyes and eats you through it like a man starved.

"fuck, baby," he says, "you taste so damn good, i could do that all day long."

you're splayed out, totally bare, the slick on your thighs cooling with the lack of contact. joel's looking you up and down, admiring your flushed body as he starts to undo his belt and drop his pants, your stomach flipping at the soft thunk of his belt hitting the floor.

you could feel, through his jeans, that his cock wasn't small, but you sure as fuck didn't anticipate just how thick and heavy it would hang between his wonderfully muscled thighs.

"you'd better get over here and fuck me, old man," you tease, and he snorts, before pulling you towards him by your ankles and landing a smack on your bare pussy.

"watch your manners, girl," he sneers.

"fuck!" you cry as you ride out the sensation, and he moves to slap you again, but your thighs are so slick his hand slips when he makes contact and accidentally presses you just right on your overstimulated clit, and to the surprise of both of you, you come again instantly.

he watches you, wide eyed, as you scream and your pussy clenches around nothing.

"you're just too easy, sweetheart," he laughs, "can't believe that little boyfriend of yours was such a bad lay when you're so goddamn easy. barely have to touch you and you're coming again and again for me."

"he'd just put it in, give it a couple thrusts, groan, and roll over," you snorted, loving the way joel's jaw clenches at your words, "besides, i prefer an older man."

"that's a damn shame, honey," he growls, "but i'm sure we can get ya taken care of."

you both realise at the same time that the video is still playing, as some particularly loud moans come through the speaker. you look over, and you swear you can see joel's eyes dilate as he watches.

that's a good girl, the man in the video croons, taking all of daddy's dick. wanna breed you full of me, fill you full of daddy's cum, you'd like that, huh?

you swallow and look back at joel. he looks ravenous.

"you love watching such dirty shit, don't you, baby?" joel asks, and starts teasingly rubbing your swollen clit again with his forefinger.

"yes daddy, please-" you agree, trying to chase the sensation, "please, i need your cock daddy, fill me up just like that-"

he lines himself up, notching the head of his thick cock at your entrance, and you're practically vibrating with need. it's not a want, it really is a need, if you don't have his cock right now you're probably gonna die and you need it you need it you need it so fucking badly

he laughs, and you realise you said all of that aloud, but you don't even have the capacity to feel truly shameful right now, you just need to feel him.

"c'mon, jo- daddy," you whine, "gotta feel you-"

"uh-uh, sweet thing," he chides, "i think you need to beg for it. you've got no manners, and knowing it's your momma who raised you it's pretty clear why, but you need to learn how to be a good girl. daddy's gonna teach you how to behave right here and now. got it?"

you let out a sharp exhale. "yes daddy."

"now beg."

two words shouldn't have such an ability to wreck you, but they do, and before you know it, you're rubbing your drooling pussy up against his cock head, rutting against him, begging and pleading-

"please, daddy, please fuck this wet pussy, you know how wrecked you've made me, turned me on so good, made me drip for you, made me come again and again on your fingers, i just wanna make you feel good, wanna take that cock, take everything you have to give, fuck me hard and fast and please, daddy, please--"

he cups your chin for just a moment, stroking a thumb along your jawline.

"that's better," he soothes, "what a good girl," and then he's slamming into you.

good fucking god he's huge, and you can swear you can feel every ridge, every vein, the swell of his shaft, the notch of his head, he's stretching you out deliciously.

you tilt your head back, leaving your throat bare, and let out a rough plea of, "choke me, daddy," and he doesn't need to be told twice, wrapping his hand around your neck and putting pressure in exactly the right spot. you can already feel the haziness building, and his thrusts keep coming fast and deep and you can feel the head of his cock brushing against your cervix.

"jesus christ, girl," he whines, and his thrusts start to falter a little, "you're gonna be the death of me. letting daddy use this nice little pussy just so he can feel good-"

his words begin to tip you over, and you know what you want-

"come inside me, daddy," you choke through the pressure around your throat, "fill me up, make yourself feel good, give it all to me-"

that does him in, and he lets out a strangled moan, coming inside you right as you come one last time, walls clenching tightly around his throbbing cock.

he releases your throat, and you both lay there for a minute, both totally fucked out.

after a minute, joel gingerly pulls out of you and lets out a weary groan.

"gonna be the death of me, woman," he snorts, and walks to your bathroom to clean himself up. he comes back a minute later with a cloth. you're expecting him to wipe you up, but first, he takes a moment to examine the cum that's dripping out of you.

"look so pretty like this, sweetheart," he smiles, presses his cum back into you, and then wipes down your slick thighs with the cloth.

"shit, joel-" you say, "who'd have thought you had that in you, old man?"

he rolls his eyes but he's still smiling, and then you sit together for a minute in comfortable silence. joel stands up after a while and grabs his coffee mug. takes a sip that you know must be cold by now, but he seems unbothered.

before he can leave, you stop him. "so-" you ask, "is this a one time thing, or?"

he shrugs, seemingly indifferent. "no reason i need to let your momma know what i know yet. and i reckon there's a lot more fun we can have before that happens."

you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding, and your shoulders relax.

"good." you say, and joel smiles.

"good," he repeats. "now, i know i've worked up quite an appetite and i'm guessing you might have, too. you pick the takeout, i'll go pick it up."

"thanks, joel." you smile, and you're already thinking of the next time as you scroll takeout options on your phone.

that's it. you're fucking addicted, and goddamn you can't wait for your next hit.

[m3r1m4r5u333]

I feel like many people misunderstand us, the unhinged, insufferable people with OTPs so. Here's a quick guide into the mind of an rabid buddie shipper.

I'm not clinging to buddie because I fail to see how awesome Buck's bi growth is. I AM BI!!! You think I don't get how awesome this bi character, this story arc, this bi representation is? Get out. Don't tell me, a bisexual how I should watch and experience a bisexual character. I drive my own brain, thanks.

And I know that it's possible to multi-ship. You don't need to tell me that!!

People need to understand that multi-shipping isn't some grand, epic personality trait that always comes with maturity, that the people who don't multiship are just wee dumb babies.

I may sound like I'm 14. I am not. I am very much not. I'm OLD. So old. And guess what that means? I know myself!!! That's maturity, too. And who I am... Is someone who falls hard, and obsessively.

I know I am just not built to be a multi-shipper. I have tried, sometimes. I have tried so hard. And realised, that's just not me. Multi-shipping is never as fun, and interesting or rewarding to me as focusing on my One True Pair. It just makes me feel suffocated, to attempt to like something I don't really find much joy in.

That doesn't mean that I hate the actors or characters who are "getting in the way" of my ship. Nope. I actually often adore the characters and actors, and the writing. I can also see and appreciate what some other character means for my OTP's growth.

Like in this case... Lou, playing Tommy? Not only do I love his acting choices (so funny, so skilled) but he also, he sounds like a lovely guy. I'm a fan!! Also, damn he's fine, I need a bucket for my drool.

And Tommy, the character...? I think the character is interesting - and don't get me started on "problematic", the shaming is futile. I am all in for fucked up, problematic characters. If you don't get why, you should really read some literary classics. Fucked up, problematic characters are art, they make you think, they broaden world-views. My best educators have been the monsters, and I will take this stand to my grave.

Demand for "unproblematic" is demand for censure, and censure is just another form of oppression. Want characters without flaws? Go watch Teletubbies. Ffs, even moomins have flaws. (Of course they do, Tove Jansson was a freaking amazing writer.)

Anyway. The point here is.

I am a mono-shipper. And I love slowburns, I love the romance of them, I get attached to ships. And I'm queer.

But where are the queer slowburns? I have been waiting for a slow-burn queer romance for so long. I CRAVE IT. Getting that, truly, would be queer history, a revolution.

And I see the potential for it in buddie!! The spark, the history, the journey. It has the potential to be the greatest queer slow-burn I've ever experienced.

You think I'd just abandon a ship like that, a slowburn like that, for some fast food, cooked up in what... Two episodes? Pffft. I invest. I am waiting for my roast to cook.

So yeah. I'm not going anywhere. I will watch, and let my freak flag fly, and I will have the time of my life. If buddie never becomes canon? Well so what. I can deal. It's not my first rodeo. Disappointment isn't actually deathly, you know. Trying to avoid disappointment kills hope, and enthusiasm. So yeah, I refuse to manage my expectations. I'm all in, and enjoying this mad ride.

"Well, I'd still take you."

"You think so?"

"I KNOW."

[golbrocklovely]

cultish love // colby brock

A/N: first off, so sorry for this being so late, i had a lot of things i had to edit about this fic. also this is my longest fic ever ! like the other fic before this, this is a AU version of colby… where he, you guessed it, is a cult leader. and he is also corrupt (but like aren't all cult leaders). again this deals with some possible heavy themes, so give a good read of the trigger warnings before reading ahead. i've always joked about colby being able to lead a cult, and that's basically where this idea came from. this fic also took a turn i wasn't expecting, but i like it anyway. also the first half is written as a journal entry (all italized) and then the rest is an actual fic (not italized). lmk what you think, and happy haunting !

prompt: you're a journalist, and your next big story is on the 'empathic love' cult, led by none other than colby brock. this cult is not known well, but you are getting a first hand look at them and what they do. and quickly, colby takes a liking to you. || fem!reader x AU!cult leader!colby brock

trigger warning: SMUT, no actual sex but you do get mentally fucked (it will make sense in the story), cult vibes all around, love bombing, cursing, supernatural powers, colby is very intense and kinda scary but also still his charming self, slight dubcon similar in vain to sam's story - you never say no outright, but you do have general feelings of 'wtf is this, idk if i like' so if that's too much for you, feel free to read something else :), colby's aura is crazy good at giving you visions, strangers-to-soulmates?? don't know if that's a tag lol, also…. colby's technically bisexual in this????? but like barely

word count: 8610

I've been a reporter for only five years, and this story.... it could make or break my career. Cults aren't as prevalent as they once were way back when. They still exist, just in the shadows. A lot quieter on most fronts. Usually disguised as a business or religion, for tax reasons of course. But this cult, Empathic Love, is unlike any cult I've heard of.

Of course, they don't call themselves a cult, but that's what they are. How else would you describe a bunch of randos following one man around wherever he goes?

They only started so many years ago, right before I graduated university. The main founder, Colby Brock, is a pragmatic individual, according to his followers. The cult began blowing up in my town a little over two years ago, and now people flock from all over the world to visit the Love Compound. You would think it's Disney World the way people grow excited about it.

But I am here to get to the truth of this cult. What is their motive? What are they planning to do? Will this be another Waco or Heaven's Gate? What sinister beliefs hide underneath the modern-day hippie aesthetic they show?

These notes will document everything I experience for the next couple of days. And in case I go missing, these are my proof of who's to blame.

I don't think it will go that far, but you can never be too sure.

~~~~

Day 1 - Investigation

I'm still incredibly surprised I was allowed to come onto the Love Compound. The leader himself apparently reached out to my boss and told them that they wanted someone to come down and interview the group. They allow visitors from time to time, "new recruits" as some of the townspeople call them, but reporters have never been allowed in. Not once. Until me.

Driving up to the compound was nerve-wracking. I never imagined I would be nervous; I've interviewed plenty of criminals in my years, have done full blown investigations into scary, horrifying crimes. But something about this place freaked me out. Partially because I didn't know what I was getting into. But another part of me, and I will never admit this out loud, felt... at home.

The only promise I made to myself was I wouldn’t drink any kool-aid while there. So, I plan to stick to that. Pretend my previous statement never existed.

I was greeted by a beautiful woman when I got there: Avery. No one went by last names. And some apparently changed their names altogether, which was not surprising. My guess is there were most likely criminals hanging out amongst the group. But I had no proof of that, just a hunch. It easily could be a safe haven for those wanting to escape whatever life they had before.

The compound was three Victorian style mansions connected to each other and had a decent size farm attached - about 222 acres. Avery told me about all of the vegetables and chickens they farmed. Everything was organic and used up as often as possible. Anything that couldn't be eaten or produced too much for the only 100ish people in the compound, was sold at the farmer's market or given away to the local food bank. Avery explained to me very clearly that everyone in the compound chipped in one way or another. Some still worked normal jobs, but just lived here with everyone. But she noted that Colby hoped in the near future no one would have to work at all and they would be self-sufficient in a couple years.

A cult with future plans? Almost unheard of.

I told Avery that I was given an all-access pass to ask anything I wanted to, and nothing I asked could be ignored or deflected. She agreed to an interview. I recorded all of it, but here are the highlights of what I gathered.

I asked her why Colby was such a secretive man. There were very few photos of him that did exist out there, but all that was rumored about him was his alluring eyes and generally attractive presence. She agreed that he was handsome, describing his as having "ocean blue eyes" and his voice was to die for. "Deep and arousing", as she explained.

I noted that she seemed almost lost in thought at the idea of him, like she was envisioning him directly in front of her. Strange behavior; but not for a cult follower. Many end up falling in love with their leader, believing they have a genuine relationship with said person.

I bought up the name of the group, Empathic Love, and said it felt a little too inviting. She laughed and told me that it was right on the money - the best way to describe why everyone was there. She expressed to me that so many of Colby's followers wanted peace and love and light, and that being in this group felt like that. It was rewarding to be surrounded by those that cared and wanted to see each other succeed. Life outside the walls of the compound was rough, scary, draining; but inside, it was all love.

Call me cynical, but I don't believe that for a second. It took all the strength I had to keep from rolling my eyes at her. But I could tell from her voice, her motions... she was telling the truth. Well, her truth.

I wanted to know what brought her here, so she spoke of her previous life. She was abused growing up, moved around a lot in foster care. She was almost homeless, and then one day she ran into Colby. He had just begun the Empathic Love group, and she just knew she had to stick with him. Her life immediately turned around the moment he was in her life. The adoration in her eyes told me a different story, so I pressed her - "are you and Colby... together?" She smiled and said no, but she knew that they were life partners before, just not currently.

Oh... so it's one of those types of cults.

She said that Colby doesn't have a second in command, wife, girlfriend, whatever. Everyone is equal and heard. He's just the face of the group, which is a bit ironic given even I have no clue what he looks like. I knew he was young, in his mid-20s. But other than that, no idea.

I needed to know, why stay? What keeps you here? A dreamy look came over her, like she had said this a million times before: "Colby. He is love, and that's all anyone could ask for."

Chills ran up my spine at the tone of her voice. It was dull, and her words sounded like a mantra, the way she said them so easily.

I wrapped up my interview with her, quiring if I was allowed to interview others. She said yes and began sending over random people one-by-one to me.

If I hadn't gotten chills from her first, I would have from everyone else. Something about seeing everyone saying similar things, smiling happily, like the ship isn't sinking around them was eerie. It made my stomach churn when I would ask questions I already asked Avery, and get almost the same speech back.

I interviewed about 15 people. All variety of ages and genders. I suddenly realized that there were no children around, and everyone was over the age of 21.

Consenting adults… minus the supposed brainwashing.

A couple of the interviewees stuck out to me:

Penelope, 25. Her upbringing was similar to Avery's, but she still kept in contact with her family. Apparently, she wasn't the only one like that either. Many still kept in touch and even visited their loved ones. I asked her to describe Colby, tell me anything about him. She giggled, almost like a schoolgirl, and began to weave such a story about him. He was kind and caring. His smile was contagious, just like his laugh. And his singing voice was fantastic. She talked about him like he was a boy band member, and she was his biggest fan. I asked her to give one word to describe him, and she said "Love. He is love, and that's all anyone could ask for."

Greg, 36. He had fallen into rough times, and desired a fresh start. He had heard about this group online, and figured checking them out while he was in town wouldn't hurt. And that was a couple years ago. I wondered why he didn't feel weird listening to someone that was younger than him, and he shrugged. It was nice not having eyes on him. He loved being in a wallflower, and he believed that Colby deserved all the love he got from everyone in the group. Every ounce he got was ten-folded back into the group. Greg had never felt so connected to a group of people and he knew it was all thanks to Colby. "He brought love into my life like I never have had it before. Because that's who he is: love."

Heather, 29. She mentioned how for most of her life she felt like shit. Her confidence was at an all-time low when she met Colby. He encouraged her to keep at it, to love herself and find happiness everywhere. And by spending more and more time with him, she did. She has never felt more confident about herself, her life, her direction, and Colby is the reason for that. The tone that took over her voice when she bought him up was odd. It was very similar to a partner describing the love of their life, almost like wedding vows. I asked her haphazardly about her love life, how that was going for her. And she told me she had been on many dates - something she never used to do back when she was younger or before Colby. But she did note that regardless of who she ends up with, she knows that a part of her heart will always belong to Colby. They were connected, forever. "Love and light and happiness is what I desired, and I got it - all because Colby exists in my life now."

It felt like I was getting nowhere with some of these interviews. Many said the same thing, Colby being love and light and blah blah blah. I wanted someone that wasn't gonna just quote to me whatever mantra he made them learn. And luck was on my side, because I was able to interview their newest member, Ash. They were 23, and very beautiful. There was an almost smugness about them, like they knew they were the shiny new toy on the block. The confidence only a young 20-something year old could have.

I asked them, point blank, about Colby. Be brutally honest. They told me he was hot, and that's what drew them to him. They liked the idea of living in a group setting, especially since they grew up with many brothers and sisters. They liked helping out, and they liked knowing that Colby was keeping an eye on them the most recently. I then followed up with how long it took for them to join the group. "Three days. That's how long it takes for everyone."

I questioned them about the "Colby is love" thing, and they agreed it was a bit strange, but they couldn't help but feel the same way as everyone else. They were like a moth to a flame when it came to him. Everything about him was hypnotizing, entrancing. It was like staring at the sun; even though you knew to look away, you just couldn't help it.

Then I had to know: were they sleeping with him? Most of these cults feed off of the leader fucking every person they wanted to and leaving other members high and dry. But for some reason, it felt as if Colby was sleeping with everyone with the way they all talked about him. Ash dissented, saying no one was sleeping with him. He didn't sleep with any of his followers. But they all shared a deep, sensual mental connection with him. They felt like, sometimes, he was in their soul. And that sensation alone was euphoric, bordering on orgasmic. They also knew that in another life, they would have been together, similar to what Avery said.

It was then I knew that this group was clinically insane, or just really infatuated by what Colby was selling. It had to have been some crazy brainwashing. But it was odd; people were allowed to leave, to see loved ones, to have lives outside of the compound walls. Hell, some had dating lives that included those not here! That's unheard of, and completely stupid on Colby's part if he wants to keep things going.

A cult leader that wanted to watch his world implode.... I had to meet him. I had to meet the myth that was Colby Brock. And tomorrow I get my chance to.

~~~~

Day 2 - Interview with Colby

I feel the need to explain that these are my notes, not really meant for anyone else to see. And really, the only reason anyone would be seeing this is if I disappear or got murdered.

So, I say all of that just so I know, for myself, that this is a safe space for me to express my truest emotions and thoughts after interviewing Colby.

And all I can say, honestly, is that... I get it. I understand it now.

I felt my nerves hit their break last night before going to sleep, unable to stop my mind reeling from what was to come. I ended up bringing along a bodyguard, or really a photographer. I had known Trey since I started working as a journalist, and I knew I could rely on him to get us out of the Empathic Love compound if anything went south. I wasn't sure what I was up against when I went to interview Colby, but God... I didn't think I was so underprepared.

I met him in his office, Avery walked me over to it. It was up in the attic of the third house. It overlooked the entire property with wide windows. For an attic, I expected it to feel dark and dusty, but surprisingly it was light and airy. Almost like being out in the woods and taking a deep breath.

Colby was sitting in his main office chair. He spun around to see us, a light smile on his face. I'll be honest - I was taken aback by his beauty. I understood Ash's whole spiel about him being attractive and looking at him was like looking at the sun. It was intense. He was intense. His blue eyes bore into me, almost like they could see through me. I felt chills, but they weren't of fear. It was out of... excitement, of awe.

He greeted me, giving me a warm handshake. I hate to admit that I almost blushed at the sound of him saying my name. I had to take a couple deep breaths before starting. Avery left the room, and Trey sat outside the door, in case of backup.

I recorded our interview, knowing that I couldn't keep track of everything he said. But listening back to it now, his voice.... it's like a song. A beautiful, spellbinding song. I could almost fall asleep to it....

I asked him about his life, and how he came to be a leader for a group like Empathic Love. He spoke of his upbringing lightly, barely scraping the surface. He talked about growing up pretty normally, having a loving family, a great friend group, and then one day realizing that he could make a change in the world. That many people loved him and loved being around him. And that's when he knew that if he could make their lives better, he would. So, he started Empathic Love. Originally, it was just gonna be a safehouse for those that needed it. But then more and more people joined and suddenly, it grew into what it was today.

I asked where his family was now. "In Kansas," he told me. He said nothing further than that.

He humbly spoke of all the love he received from his followers, or his "friends" as he put it. They all cared about him in a way that he only wished he could return tenfold. I questioned him about the whole "Colby is love" thing. "How come everyone says almost the exact same thing, like they've been brainwashed into saying it?" He didn't even trip over his words as he spoke matter-of-factly to me. "I didn't come up with that phrase, they did. You would have to ask them. I take it as the highest form of a compliment, truly. I'll be honest, it's a bit embarrassing at times when they call me that, but I can't help what they do. I appreciate their love, nonetheless."

I continued asking him about different topics, until finally reaching the one I was most intrigued about. "How many of your followers - excuse me - friends, have you slept with?" He smirked, smirked, at me and said "None. Did any of them tell you that we slept together?"

"No, but the way they talk about you like the sun shines out of your ass does seem a bit odd, don't you think?"

He looked unphased. God, he had an answer for everything. "I'll be honest with you, some of my friends might be in love with me. But I make it abundantly clear that while I love them, and love their love, I don't have feelings for them. I'm still looking for the one."

I remember holding back a glare, "So, you're celibate?"

"Now, I never said that." He let out a chuckle, then his eyes darkened. "Why do you care so much about my sex life? Unless of course, you want to join it."

I tried ignoring his gaze and his words but stuttered through my next question. “Then who exactly is the right one for you, if it's not one of your followers or friends?”

It took him a while to answer, he even closed his eyes for a bit. He sat up once he knew, sauntering over to his window that overlooked it all. "I imagine the one for me is someone that will bring peace to me and my life. Someone that for all my faults, can see who I am truly deep down. She will love me, and I will worship her. I will show her what true love feels like. Our souls will be one, because they always have been."

Something strange came over me. I don't know why I said it, but I uttered, "What about looks?"

Who cares about looks! Why did I ask about looks? I was a serious journalist, not a reporter for Star Magazine!

He looked over his shoulder at me, "Looks aren't that important to me. What matters is mind and soul. Who you are deep down. But if I had to pick… someone like you. I feel someone like you would be a perfect fit around here."

I wanted to give him the sassiest voice and rebuttal I could muster, but deep down I was shaking. Energy raced through my body, like I had been electrified.

He kept his back to me, staring out the window. “I'm not trying to be overly complimentary. I'm just being honest. But I can tell that you would do so well to have us around. To have... me, in your life. I bring a lot of love to people's lives, that's for sure. But I also bring a lot of drive, and passion, and intimacy.”

Intimacy?

“People open up when I'm around. They tell me everything, even things they never dreamt of telling another person. And I allow it, because clearly, they needed to express it. And once they do, it's like the floodgates open. Love and light just start pouring into them, into their life, and it's overwhelming - but so worth it. Doesn't that sound nice?”

I guess so...

“I bring happiness to so many. My friends have told me that they get jittery around me, I'm like a shot of adrenaline. And that energy, that power, courses through them. And when it gets expressed, it comes out in…” He took a long pause, turning back to me. The look in his eyes… I can remember it as if he was still in front of me. “Pleasurable ways.”

I hate admitting this, and it's embarrassing to say it even now, but I felt a jolt of... something, run through me. I won't even say what it was out loud, in fear of never being taken seriously again. But what happened after that, I don't know if words can even express it well.

Colby continued talking, but I couldn't pick up on any of it. He was talking up a storm, but I couldn't help the sensations I was feeling. Even in my wildest of fantasies, I've never felt anything in reality. It was all in my mind. But in that very moment, it felt like it was happening to me.

I felt lips tread up my neck, stopping just below my ear. A hot, low moan breathed into my ear. My spine tingled at the sound, my hands gripping the armrests of the chair. If I didn't know any better, I would think Colby was behind me, making those noises. My hands suddenly felt hands on top of them. My eyes widened, looking down, but nothing was there. I couldn't really move my arms once the invisible hands were there. My whole body felt numb and heavy, relaxed. My mind was the one on edge, worried as to why I was feeling all of this.

I hadn't eaten or drank anything at the compound. Maybe it was being poured into the room by the vents? I don't know, but something was making me feel this way.

The invisible hands drifted up my arms, massaging my shoulders for a moment. My head lulled back, almost hitting the back of the chair. My mind was on high alert, but my body was about ready to fall asleep. The hands relaxed me so much that my eyes began to flutter.

But then... they drifted down my torso. They traced along my neck gently, drawing small, insignificant patterns. The hands grew lower and lower until they finally were on my chest. I felt the hands cup my breasts softly, my breath hitching in my throat. They kneaded my tits gingerly, my nipples hardening in my bra. I bit my lip, praying that I wouldn't make a sound. It was hard not to, especially when the delicate fingers of these invisible hands found my nipples, gently pinching them.

I remember closing my eyes tight. Trying to clear my mind. This wasn't actually happening to me. There was no way. This was a psychosis or a drug hallucination that was happening to me and Colby was doing nothing about it.

One hand drifted down my body, stopping right above my sex. I suddenly became very aware at how wet I was, my eyes widening. I felt a rush of blood flow through my cheeks. I was about to get caught. These invisible hands made me wet, and I couldn't stop them.

And the terrible thing was, I didn't want them to. I wanted them to finish the job. To get me off... in front of Colby. One hand rose back up my body, grabbing my neck and turning my face to look up at him.

A deep voice whispered harshly, "You want him, don't you?"

I didn't say anything, afraid of what would come out. But deep down, I knew.

"Say it, and it's yours. Say you want him. And he'll have you... forever."

I opened my mouth. I felt the words almost leave my lips. I stuttered out something. I closed my eyes, my body feeling high.

And then in a split second, it was all gone. The room grew quiet, and Colby cleared his throat. "Y/N, are you okay? You look flush."

I jolted out of my seat, being able to move freely again. I looked around and realized Colby was sitting once more, staring at me concerned. I finished the interview abruptly, saying I had everything I needed - even though I definitely didn't. And then he uttered words I wish I didn't hear.

"If you want, come back tomorrow. We are having a celebration here. I would love if you came by, even if for an hour."

I nodded, not even really taking in what he said, and left. Trey was confused as to why I bum-rushed out of the room, but I never told him the truth. How could I?

I knew deep down I shouldn't have said yes to go to the party. But getting that footage would be killer for my article. Interviews are great, but a party at a cult compound? That's bound to end terribly (for Colby, but great for me).

But something in me can't shake this feeling that I basically signed myself up for the end. End of what? I'm not sure. But I'll find out tomorrow.

~~~~~~

Stepping back onto the compound made my heart race. I was nervous as all hell, and just wanted this day to be over with already. Today was my last day doing this story. I was counting the minutes to when I could go back to my office and write about how this place was insane, or whatever narrative I planned to write.

I had enough proof that something was up here. All I needed to do was a bit more digging. And during the party is when I planned to do it.

Avery walked up to me, smiling brightly. "Hey, Y/N! How are you doing today?"

"I'm okay. I know it's a bit early, but Colby never specified when the party was going to take place." I replied.

"No, you're totally fine. The party is gonna happen later. Right now, though, we have something going on that you'll definitely want to see." She clapped excitedly.

"Oh? And what is that?" I questioned.

"We are inducting a new member!" she exclaimed giddily. "There's a whole process that we do, and everyone is involved. I imagine that will bode well for your article if you see it firsthand. It's all taking place in that tent."

I stared over at the huge tent, its plastic cover doors strangely inviting.

I hummed, "Sure, I'll be there in a moment."

Avery nodded, turning on her heels and prancing over to the tent, following in other members.

"What's happening in there?" Trey asked.

"Apparently they are inducting someone new into their cult." I informed him.

He blinked. "Group, you mean."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, whatever. Make sure to capture as much as you can."

He shook his camera, giving me a wink, "On it."

We both walked in, many members still up and around, giving everyone hugs and chatting. Avery waved me down, patting the seat next to her. I walked over and sat. My body tingled in anticipation. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. My breathing picked up as everyone grew silent, the doors opening. Colby walked in, and people rushed to their seats.

Colby called out, "Hello everyone, good morning."

"Good morning, Colby." Everyone said in unison.

Jesus, that was creepy.

"A lot of things are going to be different today. First, we have guests watching our festivities. Y/N and Trey. Everyone, give them a hand." He gestured to the two of us.

The tent exploded in applause, Avery evening rubbing my back sweetly. It felt like I was being congratulated on something I didn't achieve, my cheeks flushing at the acknowledgement.

"And secondly, sadly, the new member we were going to have decided not to stay." He frowned, his face dropping.

Members gasped, some audible "oh no" echoed around the tent. Colby nodded his head sympathetically. “I know, but fret not. I think this will be a learning experiment for our new guests. We can still do our traditional motions of having someone join us. But, imagine it as if it's a mock ceremony instead. Ms. Y/N, would you please step up here?”

My heart stopped when he looked into my eyes, the first time since yesterday. I glanced at Avery, who grinned enthusiastically. She pushed me out of my seat, my body following her lead. I gazed around, finding Trey, who pulled away from his camera with a concerned look. I stumbled up the walkway, stepping on stage with Colby.

Colby lowered his voice so I could only hear him, moving away from the microphone. "I know you wanted to know about how we induct someone into our little home, so I figured why not use you as an example? We aren't actually inducting you, in case you’re worried. This is just what would happen if you were joining. Are you okay with that?"

I gazed around the huge, white tent, making eye contact with many people in the audience. They all looked so eager, waiting to hear my response. Some were even shaking with excitement.

I stuttered, feeling Colby squeeze my hands to bring my attention back to him, "I-I guess so."

"Fantastic." He turned, still holding one of my hands, "Alright everyone, you know the drill."

The crowd cheered, suddenly many lining up to a microphone at the side of the stage. Colby lightly pulled me to a cushioned throne, sitting me down. "So here's what's going to happen. People are going to come up to that microphone, and they are going to give you plenty of love. Genuine love. And then the next person will go, and so on until everyone has spoken."

"Everyone here? Like, all hundred plus of you?" I whispered.

"Yes. It's gonna be a while, so get cozy." He laughed, rubbing my shoulders.

Time felt frozen as slowly everyone came up and said something nice about me. Some were quick, mostly just commenting on how nicely I dressed or how the stories I had covered in the past were interesting and thoughtful. But others, it's like they could see into my soul and point out the exact thing I was insecure about. Everyone was complimentary and it was nice, but exhausting.

The line had dwindled down, and the next person to speak was Avery.

She stepped up the microphone, giving me a huge smile. "Hi, Y/N. I know we don't know each other that well, but I feel like I've known you my whole life. These couple days of getting to know you, being interviewed by you, have just been the highlight of my life. You are such a lovely presence to be around, and you deserve all the success you've gotten these last couple years."

Lots of people in the crowd nodded, agreeing with Avery. She continued, taking a deep breath, "I wanted to add - you are so deserving of love. You are easy to love too, and I hope that you are surrounded by people that make you feel that way. I know that this is just a mock ceremony, but I truly believe you would be such a great addition to us. I know you don't trust us, but I hope that soon you will find that you have a safe place here. Even if you never come back here again. This is your home now, and forever will be."

My chest heaved suddenly, tears welling up in my eyes. What the fuck is happening right now? Why was I crying at what she said? Sure, it was sweet and kind, but... how did she know I needed to hear that?

I turned my head, wiping the tears before anyone could see them fall. The crowd clapped as Avery left, going back to her seat.

The last couple people were a blur, my mind still hanging onto Avery's words. Suddenly, a hand was placed on my shoulder, jolting me out of my thoughts. I gazed up, seeing Colby's beautiful face staring down at me.

"The ceremony is done. Now, time to party."

~~~~~~

It had been a couple hours since the ceremony, my body feeling almost numb but jittery all at the same time. It was hard to shake all the love and words that were thrown my way today. Sure, some were probably just lying and saying random things because they had to, because they were conditioned to. But it freaked me out how some just... hit the right spots, knew my insecurities.

The party itself was fine. Two of the houses had parties happening in them, and since all three houses were connected, you could leave one and walk into another. There was a dancefloor full of people, and multiple fully stocked bars. Tons of food was at each table. It honestly looked like an adult prom. But I wasn't in a partying mood. Trey, on the other hand, was enjoying himself immensely. Girls and guys surrounded him, laughing at his jokes and bringing him plates of food and wine. One girl kept rubbing his thigh, staring at him longingly.

I wanted to leave. I had had enough of today, and I just wanted to be as far away from Empathic Love as I could be. I decided fresh air was what I needed, so I got up and slid out the back door of one of the houses, taking a deep breath. There were still too many people around, but I noticed the last house, the one with Colby's office in it, had no lights on and no one around it. I walked through the yards, stopping once I was by the back porch of the third house.

I sighed, leaning back against a railing. I could still hear the party going on, almost getting louder now that I wasn't there. I shook my head, feeling overwhelmed.

“Hey, Y/N. Fancy seeing you here." Colby's voice broke through my thoughts.

I exhaled. “Hi, Colby.”

He cocked his head, “Are you doing okay? You seem... upset.”

I felt this sudden rush of anger, knowing in reality he was to blame for all of this. “No, I'm not doing alright. I want to go home, I'm extremely overwhelmed by this party and all the people around here. That ceremony was too much for me to deal with, and the only way for me to get out of here is Trey and he's getting rubbed down by your followers!”

He took a step back, putting his hands up defensively. “Woah, that was a lot. You must have needed that release.”

I glared, “You think?”

“Look, I get it. It's a lot to take in. I myself don't love going to all these parties. It can be really overwhelming and if I'm honest, it gives me a lot of anxiety,” he admitted casually.

“You get anxiety?” I scoffed, “How? Everyone here loves you.”

“I know. That's the stressful part!” He sat on the railing, turning to me. “I'm the leader of this family. I have to make all the right decisions, and sometimes that means upsetting some of the people closest to me. Not to mention, so many eyes are on me, and it's just all too much sometimes. Even if you think this group is a cult, I still care for everyone here. I make sure they are fed, have a job, and have a life outside of here. And that's a lot to take on.”

“How do you deal with all of it, then?” I questioned.

“Patience. And a lot of alone time when I can get it - through meditation, specifically,” he laughed. “I was actually going to go meditate before I found you. Would you like to join me?”

I shook my head. “No, I'm good.”

“Are you sure? Look, at the very least, it will get you away from the party and all the noise. You don't even have to join me, you can just... sit in the room with me while I do it.” He argued, shrugging his shoulders.

I gazed at the party, everyone had grew rowdier while we were talking, and I didn't even notice. But my head felt like it was spinning from the noise alone. I sighed, nodding my head. Colby smiled, opening the door to the house, and I walked in first. I followed him up to his office, sitting down on his couch as he sat in the center of the room on the floor.

I raised an eyebrow. “That's where you meditate?”

“Yeah, I know it's a bit silly. But I feel so much more grounded... on the ground.” He replied cheekily.

I snickered, sitting back and watching him. He crossed his legs, resting his palms on his knees. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He took multiple breaths until they were low and shallow. I furrowed my brow, my eyes never leaving his form.

It almost seemed like he was asleep, or in a hypnosis of some sort. He was completely still and silent. A dull glow appeared at the top of his head, growing brighter and larger. I leaned away from him, my eyes widening at the sight. What the fuck is that...?

An aura grew around him, surrounding him completely. He didn't move, unfazed by it. His eyes remained closed, and with each breath it grew.

"How... are you doing that?" I uttered, my mouth a gape.

"Doing what?" He spoke in a monotone voice.

"That... aura. How are you doing that?" I pressed.

“I've always been able to do it since I was young. You can get closer if you want to.” He suggested.

How did he know I was still far away?

I stepped off the couch, moving closer to him. I kept my distance, but the aura was almost pulling me in. It was beautiful, the light reflecting and growing bigger. I was almost engulfed by it, but it stopped right before getting to me. I could feel its warmth, its energy. It was calling to me, beckoning me to step towards it.

The aura wrapped around me, filling me with light and love. Or at least that's what it felt like. I gasped at the sensation, my legs shaking underneath me. I breathed in deeply, my lungs filling up with fresh air. I didn't feel like I was in the room anymore. I felt like I was flying, the world almost zooming around me.

“Let your body relax, Y/N. I know it's so much to take in.” Colby’s calming voice spoke.

I felt my body give out on me, falling onto the soft rug. I laid down on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Visions began to swirl in my mind and around me.

How is any of this happening?

He answered, reading my mind. “Because of me. Because of us. Because of the connection you and I share.”

My body felt very heavy, unable to move even if I wanted to. I could move my eyes, and out of the corner of them, I saw Colby stand up. The aura remained around us, almost engulfing the entire room.

“You know, I knew the moment you stepped foot on to the compound's grounds, you were going to like it here. You were going to stay.” He smiled sincerely, gazing down at my body.

I blinked, confused. “What? I-I don't plan to-“

He cut me off, “This is the final step, Y/N. Everyone gave you love, people celebrated you, and now... I'm allowing you in.”

I wanted to shake my head, but couldn’t. “But I don't want to join.”

He chuckled, “Yes you do. If you didn't want it, none of this would have worked on you. You wouldn't be seeing what is directly in front of your eyes.”

The visions morphed around me, suddenly showing Colby and I. But we weren't us, we were different people, at a different point in time. But I could feel it was us. We were in love, growing a family together. Our lives were beautiful.

What the fuck is this?

“That is our past, or present, or future,” he winked. “The thing is, Y/N, I never seek out anyone. They all seem to find me.”

“That's not true, you emailed my boss about being interviewed.” I remarked.

"Oh, you are so forgetful, Y/N. You emailed us, begging to interview me and anyone else that said yes. I only agreed because I knew you wanted to meet with me. You sounded very eager to join in your email." Colby pulled out a piece of paper, reading from it happily, "Dear whoever reads this, I'm hoping to score an interview with your group, Empathic Love, for an article I am writing. I would love to meet Colby, and really pick apart his brain on why he created said group. Maybe I could even join if you guys win me over. Please let me know if any of this sounds of interest to you. Sincerely, Y/N of Global Gazette."

He leaned down, staring into my eyes mischievously, "Now does that sound like someone that didn't want to be here?"

My heart raced, suddenly scared. “Why don't I remember writing that?”

“I couldn't tell you. All I know is you wanted to be here. And there's a reason for it.” He sat down on the ground next to me. I wanted to get up and run, but my body stayed still, heavy. “Growing up, I realized very early on that certain people just... gravitated to me. A lot of women, yes. But really it was anyone. And not only did they gravitate towards me, they became obsessed with me. At first, I was confused, uninterested in ever going through that. Who wants someone obsessed with them? But then I realized how much good I could do with so many people rallying behind me.”

He continued, “As I got older, my ability, or power, or whatever it is - grew twice as strong. Suddenly, all the people around me followed me, did anything and everything I could ask for. Then, I began getting visions, and I understood why this was the case. Everyone here: we had a past life together. Their souls and mine have always been connected. They find me and then continue to stay. And almost always, they fall in love with me. It's just so glorious.”

“You're insane.” I mumbled.

He hummed, “Interesting, especially since you’re seeing the same things I am.”

It was true. The whole time he spoke, I saw vision after vision of our past lives together. We were always destined to meet, destined to be with one another.

“But the thing is, I know you're different from all the rest. You and I, we are meant to be together forever. You are meant to love me forever, and I am meant to love you. That's why my abilities affect you so greatly.” Colby divulged.

“What if I say no? What if I want to leave?” I grunted, trying to shake free.

“You've had the ability to go all this time. You just don't want to. You know how much love I can give you. You know how much pleasure I can give you as well.” He bit his lip, his eyes snaking up and down my body, “You've known that since yesterday, haven't you?”

Blood rushed to my cheeks, memories of yesterday played in my head.

“And do you know what’s crazy about that? That's not even half the pleasure I can give you.” Colby kneeled next to me, a devilish smile on his lips. His hand lightly brushed my face, cupping my warm cheek sweetly.

A burst of arousal raced through me, my body spasming in ecstasy. “Oh my God!”

“I know, it's a lot to take in. But I just want to make you feel good, darling. You deserve it.” He leaned in slowly, “You are mine, after all.”

"This is what your followers meant by a deep and sensual mental connection," I groaned, feeling hands all over my body, touching me in the most lustful of ways. "You got inside their heads and mentally fucked them."

“...That's one way of wording it. But if they didn't trust me, if they didn't already want me, it wouldn't happen.” He winced playfully, “So in reality, it's your fault.”

“Fuck you.” I growled.

“But baby, that's what's happening,” Colby laughed darkly. “Those hands, those kisses and bites... that's all mine. I can tell you're losing it. You want me real bad, but you don't want to admit it. I get it, you’re overwhelmed.”

I felt like my body was getting electrocuted with pleasure. My hips grinded into the air, needing some form of relief. My nipples strained against my bra, wanting any form of touch. I closed my eyes tightly, embarrassment rolling through me as I felt my damp panties against my sex.

Fuck, he was right. I did want this, and him.

I didn't even need to say it out loud. Suddenly I felt a cock slid inside of me, too easily from how wet I had become. I ripped my eyes open, looking around. Colby was watching me from his chair, smirking.

He palmed his hardening dick through his jeans. “Imagine how much better it would be if I was actually inside of you, filling you up with every. fucking. inch.”

I thought about screaming Trey’s name. Maybe he could help me.

He grimaced, rolling his eyes. “He won’t do anything for you, sweetheart. He joined our group just a couple weeks ago. Right around the time you sent the email. So really, you have all the more reason to join us.”

“Even if I join this cult, I will never stay here. I will leave here and never come back.” I hissed.

“And that is your choice to make. But Y/N,” his gaze lowered at me, his eyes intense. “You will never be satisfied. You got barely a taste of what I can offer you, and you're gonna want it forever. Just like everyone else here.”

“You're a- fuuuuuucckk!” I moaned, the cock inside of me hitting my spot deeper. I caught my breath, glaring at him. “Y-You're a freak.”

“Says the girl almost coming to my invisible dick.” He spat, clenching his jaw.

I bit my lip, annoyed at how right he was. The hands exploring my body gripped my ass, slapping it lustfully.

“Okay, okay. I'll agree with you. I am a bit of a freak of nature. But let's not act like I'm some monster. I let people leave. But they always come back because they choose to. I can't force people that far. Pinky promise,” He stuck his pinky out, and I rolled my eyes defiantly. He huffed, “It's not like this place is Scientology, for Christ's sake. We are love. I am love.”

“You are the most tainted form of love that I've ever met.” I retorted, gripping the rug to hide my building arousal.

He deadpanned, “Ow. That hurt.”

Colby strutted over to me, laying down right beside me. The pleasure grew more intense, my hips bucking desperately. His one hand hovered over me, never touching me. It didn't matter, because having him this close felt like his whole body was on top of mine, fucking me hastily.

“If you allow yourself to enjoy this feeling, you might actually come. Because I won't force you to. I'll just keep you here, for hours, riving in pleasure until your brain melts into goo.” He smirked, “How's that sound?”

"I-I hate you." I gritted my teeth. Why did I feel like I was lying?

"No you don't. But soon you'll be able to admit the truth." He leaned his mouth in close, his voice low and sincere, "I know that this place might not be what you imagined your home to be like, but it is. You will always have a place here. You will always be loved here. And I know that's what you want deep down. To be loved unconditionally. To have every fiber of your being satisfied. And if you let me, I will do that. I will please you every night, however you want me to. But for me to do that, you have to let me in. You have to let love in."

The cock inside of me pounded faster and faster. I could barely think anymore. The only thing on my mind... was him. The lives we had together, the life we could be having. I knew I shouldn't want it, but I did. I wanted him in my life, forever. He was what was missing, and I couldn't live one more day without him.

I mewled loudly, my hips thrusting up erotically. Colby's hand cupped my face gently, turning my head to look him in the eyes.

His alluring eyes stared deep into mine, his jaw clenched. "You will always be mine. I am love, and that is all you could ask for."

"You are love, and that's all I could ask for." I repeated mindlessly, grabbing onto his arm desperately.

His face softened, “That's right baby. You're such a good girl for me. My good girl, forever. You want that, don't you?”

“Yessss, please Colby. I want to be yours forever.” I keened.

"You will be. I promise, you will always be mine." His eyes darkened, the pupils almost completely blown out. "You will never leave."

"I won't!" I trembled, my orgasm building closer and closer to the edge.

“You wanna come, Y/N? Get close for me. Don't I feel so good inside of you? You like when I do this?” Colby's hand snaked down my body, rubbing my clit sensually.

I begged wantonly, dying to come. "Pleaseeeeee! Please let me come! I need it! I need you."

"Of course you do, baby. You and I need each other. Our connection is unlike anyone else's. Tell me the truth and I'll let you come." He leaned in close, his lips brushing against my ear, "Tell me, baby. Say it..."

"I love you," I cried out, right on the edge. I direly wanted him to say it back, knowing it was already the truth.

“I love you too, baby,” he smiled sweetly, kissing my cheek. “Now, come for me.”

Hot, white pleasure shot through my body. I had the strongest orgasm of my life, my mind shattering as I rode every wave of pleasure that went through me. Colby stayed by my side, shushing me as my high lowered down more and more. He kept whispering 'I love you' repeatedly, my mind unable to hear or think anything else after a while.

I blacked out at some point but awoke when my body was lifted off the floor and placed softly into a bed. “Wha... happenin?” I slurred.

“Relax, darling. I just brought you to my bed. Well, our bed now,” he chuckled. “I want you to get your rest because tomorrow is a big day for you.”

“What's tomorrow?” I murmured.

“Your introduction to everyone as my soulmate.” Colby informed happily, tucking me in. “Everyone will be so pleased that you changed your mind about joining us.”

I nodded my head, snuggling deep into his bed. He dimmed the lights, whispering softly, "Welcome home, Y/N."

[redpanther23]

ESSENTIAL GAY HISTORY MOVIES (according to me, with a focus on the controversial)

The Wizard of Oz (1939) - Included because I actually met a young queer person who didn't believe me that this is a historical lgbt movie. I'm sorry but if you haven't seen this I'm revoking your gay license.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1972) - Another one I'm including just in case someone hasn't seen it and needs a reminder to do so (I know teenagers read my blog.)

Pink Flamingos (1972) - A John Waters movie. His films are bizarre, gross comedies and unlike any others.

Female Trouble (1974) - Another John Waters feature, this one has one of my favorite lines from any movie, "son, why don't you stop fooling around with these straight women and find yourself a nice queer to settle down with?" (paraphrased)

Desperate Living (1977) - My favorite John Waters picture, this one is bordering on epic fantasy. It's set in a shantytown in the woods, populated by gay criminals, ruled by an evil queen.

Dog Day Afternoon (1975) - Based on a true story about a guy who robbed a bank to pay for his girlfriend's gender reassignment surgery.

The Forbidden Zone (1980) - THE OINGO BOINGO MOVIE. Not only is the soundtrack Danny Elfman's best work (in this writer's humble opinion) but it's also a beautiful movie about love for the controversial and perverse. Obviously it was made by queers and people of color, but they were trying to be offensive, so they do shit like, have characters in blackface, but also black actors, sometimes in the same scene (an artistic choice as confusing to a modern audience as it was when they made it.)

Killer Condom (1996) - A German murder mystery/comedy about a gay cop. Very corny and lighthearted, it feels more like an 80s movie.

Velvet Goldmine (1998) - A sweet and poignant romance between two male rockstars. This one feels like it came from within my own heart.

Cruising (1980) - Another murder mystery, this time centered around a bisexual cop, only this one isn't a comedy. They shot footage in actual gay bondage bars in New York, but the hardcore stuff got cut because I guess god hates us ( lol). You can still tell in some scenes they're really fisting dudes and shit.

The Gay Deceivers (1969) - Two straight men pretend to be a gay couple to dodge the draft. They move to a gay neighborhood and have to blend in with their neighbors.

Feel free to suggest more, I'm sure there's a lot I didn't think of.

[darchildre]

(Okay, I had intended to wait on this till we got to CHAS but I forgot that the Letters from Watson chronology would get to BRUC first and BRUC also has a fun burglary sequence.)

Friends. If you enjoy reading about Victorian dudes committing burglary while being extremely in love with each other, please go read E W Hornung's Raffles stories. E W Hornung was ACD's brother in law, the Raffles stories are him going "what if Holmes and Watson but criminals though?", and there's some fun intertextuality between them and the Holmes stories. (For instance: is CHAS Raffles fanfic? Maaaaybe. Did ACD borrow ideas from Hornung for FINA/EMPT? Could be!) I don't know, man, I just think that's neat.

The main characters are:

A J Raffles: cricketer, man about town, jewel thief. ADHD icon, has no impulse control and a death wish you can see from space. Engaged in a constant battle with John Watson for the title of Most Bisexual Man in Victorian Lit. Thinks tricking someone into robbing a jewelry store together is romantic. Deals with the majority of his problems by theft, barefaced lying, or faking his own death.

Bunny: our narrator, sometime poet/journalist, also a jewel thief (not as good). He's not going to tell you his actual name till the last damned story, but he's really such a rabbit that you aren't going to mind. Drinks too much, angsts constantly about a) the immorality of crime and b) not being able to grow a proper mustache, only crossdresses in one story but talks about it in a way that implies he's done it before. Is dreadful at pretty much everything, but in a very endearing way.

(I love both of them so much.)

Together, they fight commit crimes! Often while holding hands.

There are three collections of short stories and one novel, plus a variety of adaptations of varying quality. The short stories are pretty consistently delightful (except for "The Fate of Faustina" imo). The novel is perhaps not as good - some things don't work as well when you stretch them to novel-length - but I haven't finished it yet so who knows? It might improve. In any case, the plot isn't great but Raffles and Bunny are still very enjoyable.

Anyway, go read Raffles and then please come and talk to me about it. If you'd prefer to wait until you can get the stories in your inbox, Letters from Bunny is starting up in March 2024 (on the Ides, natch). It's going to be a fun time.

[sciderman]

I also tried to find that Peter neurodivergent post recently and yup, vanished. But anyway, I just read your post and tags responding to that other person's ask saying they can't find it. I really really don't think you sound stupid (not that I'm a professional either).

That post hit deep for me because as someone very new to getting therapy, it reminded me of my first session (in which I said, do I have audhd or what?). My therapist told me first thing "there's a lot of overlap between these traits you're listing and trauma". I kinda sat back like 🧍she said what's more important is making sure I'm functioning, coping... That not everything needs a label unless I really want one. I went home and asked my housemate (who's currently doing their psychology masters) and she said, "yeah, both often get misdiagnosed for the other".

That kinda changed my whole perspective on everything and so reading your post brought me back to that. Hoo, emotional and stuff,,

Enough rambling though, my points are:

• Thank you for saying that, it meant a lot (I'm kinda crying haha)

• You're right about it all to my knowledge!

• I hope everything's okay with you and you're happy with what stuff will mean for you ❤️ good luck and all that!

(sorry for the essay)

bless you anon!! i'm really proud of you for taking the steps into therapy, and i really hope that it's a helpful experience in getting to understand yourself better! wishing you so, so much luck on your journey, anon!

i definitely think labels aren't for everyone - and sometimes, sometimes they can be a stifling thing. it's a fantastic thing when you need to simplify something to explain to someone else - especially fantastic when you need someone else to make considerations for you. i find i only really use labels when i need someone else to understand something about me in a simple sort of a way. so i say "bisexual" when i need to explain myself quickly, but it's a shorthand, and there's probably a much more complicated label that might fit me better - pan, maybe, but who has time or courage to explain pan to a 50-something-white-guy - certainly not i, so - for ease of understanding, i'll put myself in that box.

i think labels are fantastic when they make your life simpler - but sometimes they can do the adverse when you realise they don't fit as well as you'd thought. when you need a label to fit, and you feel that pressure to fit into it when - actually, actually, you are more complicated than that. then - then, you might realise, the label isn't for you, and you can either hunt down another or - be easy with the fact that you're a unique beast, and not everything will fit all the time. there's overlap, and every brain case is so so unerringly unique to the person.

it's like lgbt+ labels, lord knows, the kids are inventing a new one every week because there's no way to encompass everyone's unique approach to attraction. we can say "this is me, and you might feel similar" and that helps - but truly, no human is 1:1. no experience is 1:1. one of you watched cats (2019) and it irreparably altered your viewpoint on the world once you saw fuzzy idris elba dance on the screen. one of you (mercifully) didn't, and didn't sustain that trauma. you're different.

i hope any explanations you get help you move forwards, anon! but i hope you're also comfortable in the knowledge that there ain't no thing like you, 'cept you! (and i love you)

[ultfreakme]

I broke my silence. Nah, I need someone to talk to me about JonJay, since they are still underrated by the fandom. Like, they started being hated out of nowhere. That nonsense about Damian hating Jay, about what if Jon showed Jay Damian, he would immediately reject it. Demi is literally a fan of Jay and his blog, he literally contributed to Jay and Jon getting together at the 2022 Pride, Jay calls Damian by name and basically sees him without a mask in his real guise, which suggests that he trusts him just enough to show his real personality. He praises him, well, to many of his friends and even relatives (Grayson). This is complete nonsense that the fandom made up is killing me. People also say that Jay is not registered. What? Like, yes, I would also like to know more about him, but this does not mean that he does not have a personality. The entire plot of the comic revolves around him and his story, how in this case can he not have his own character and personality?( like, we literally see that he is a very brave and smart young man who knows how to make difficult decisions. He is also quite daring, he won’t go into his pocket for words, he can express everything he thinks. Jay is very smart and cunning, he knows how to achieve his own and will stand by his interests to the last.) It really scares me how people either don’t want to understand his character. I also saw someone talking about how Jon might cheat on Jay and Nya because the author of her comic released a post about the SuperDreamer (that's what the ship is called). What? In terms of, this bro refused to kiss his boyfriend on the another universe simply because it's not his Jay and people seriously believe that Jon will cheat with another person when he's literally loyal to only one and we're literally shown that, well, he's incapable of cheating on Jay because so much loves him. This is so stupid. Yes, after all, in one of the comics Jon calls a day with Jay “Mental Health Day.” I don’t understand what’s wrong with people. And it seems to me that no matter what happens, Jay will always remain Jon’s main and important love interest. My beloved boys deserve more attention and love from the fandom. I hope that someday they will grow to realize that they are perfect for each other and only at this moment will I find peace

Anon, Anon you are so correct and I love you and I have been sitting with this frustration since 2021 and I am tired.

I know exactly why people don't give Jay a chance:

Xenophobia

Racism

Biases against actual queer people

It gets in the way of the fanon ship; Damian x Jon

A good 99% of the hate I see comes from Damian and Jon shippers who were, for some reason under the impression that Jon being bisexual means he will date Damian....who is not only 3 years younger than him but also just barely out of middle school while Jon is in college.

Most people are still also attached to Super Sons comics, and have yet to come to terms with the fact that Jon is aged up, he is not getting aged down, and Super Sons as it once was is not coming back. So they don't bother reading SOKE or AOSJK or any Jon appearance that occurs where it's JUST Jon (because if you've noticed, the jon kent tag is all damian because they see Jon as Damian's accessory and love interest and not an independent character).

Super Sons mischaracterized both Damian and Jon egregiously while being racist and sexist towards Talia (one very easy example; Damian hates going to school because he's far surpassed that academic level & really only needs school for socialization. Why would Damian who was older than Jon before, willingly go to a grade 3 times below his own where Jon lives, where he needs to get to by helicopter??). Reading that alone means people don't understand Jon, Damian, or Talia(or anyone really).

So when they learn that Damian actually LIKES Jay, that he liked Jay first and enough to introduce him to Dick and potentially a bunch of other batfam characters, they just can't stand it. How dare Damian get in the way of fans shipping him with his best friend(who is 17/18)??? Wdym Damian is happily dating a girl named Nika aka Flatline! Now let's be sexist to the 14 year old girl and call her evil manipulative bitch!!!

Why on Earth would Jon like Jay??? He's not Damian!

And that's another thing; Jay is not Damian and that is all these haters need to destroy Jay and dismiss him. This isn't about character arcs, or canon, or storytelling. It's about being mad that fanon isn't real.

I used to try to get them to at least give SOKE a chance. I wanted to be polite and have a proper discussion but things got overtly racist. I've had people tell me that Jay is seducing Jon, he is evil, he is a criminal who has no morals, he isn't "Asian enough". Me and a bunch of twitter mutuals experienced actual racism, towards ourselves, when talking to these people. I had to delete my account because it was affecting my mental health and I couldn't take it. We also experienced lots of biphobic and homophobic takes (especially about the pink hair which was very fun for a bisexual Asian with pink hair at the time). About how Jay is some "kpop knock off" or "creep" because he and Jon shared a fully consensual kiss. Like yes Karen explain to me how the immigrant Asian kid who just wants to save his country from a colonizer is evil because he kissed a white boy. Do tell me about how he's "mind controlling" Jon to love him. We didn't even have those words thrown around when Saturn Girl legit mind-controlled Jon. But of course! It's because she's white and no one actually read that Legion run. It can pass for heterosexual so who cares!

And the cheating thing grinds my gears it actually makes me want to go scream.

SURE! Let's have the bisexual character cheat! You know let's just forget about how bi people are already stereotyped as sluts and cheaters. Or that Jon's Superman and he straight up said "I'm not going to cheat on Jay."

I think Nicole Maines isn't going to touch JayJon, her run with Dreamer ends around the same time as or before Pride Month and we are getting a pride month jayjon story(unconfirmed yet officially but a cover artist is hinting that's the case). If she does though, if this story is signed-off and it happens through cheating I'm just gonna have to stop reading DC.

I think cheating plots are idiotic, especially with Superfam. Their whole thing is "truth justice better tomorrow." They strive to do good and be kind and honest. Wtf am I taking away if you so severely hurt a person you claim to love? I think they are a lazy and a cheap way to generate bad drama.

If you want drama and for SuperDreamer to happen, at least make JayJon have a proper break up. Making Jon cheat would assassinate his character and Dreamer's because NIA KNOWS JAY. In the story Nia's appearing, she's being sent in to attack Jay's country. It's not even a character flaw atp it's just you two are being hypocritical and choosing to hurt a friend who's done nothing but be kind(lest we forget, Jay was cleaning up Jon's reputation and lost his secret identity FOR JON. He's the one who stayed calm while Jon was about to fight when Nia first showed up).

If Nia is chill with Superman cheating with her on Jay and is simultaneously attacking his country(though it is under Waller's pressure), I will simply leave. What's the point? It's not like POC characters in Superfam get enough respect anyways, especially the Asian ones (I see you Kong Kenan, I SEE YOU). The Steels are fortunately getting more time but that happened after decades and decades (and I've still got no news on Nat and Traci 13 DC GET IT TOGETHER, Nat still doesn't get enough focus imo). I sound really mean towards Dreamer rn but I actually really enjoy the Jon and Nia friendship. I just fucking hate cheaters though, those kind of plots are always exhausting and ill-thought out and the characters become garbage. Because like, you're a superhero, a symbol of goodness and striving to do better. Cheating is actively taking a decision to hurt a person in a deeply personal way. Why would I believe a single thing you say about "truth" when you can't even give that to someone close to you?

I think we should just let the haters stew on their nonsense and find people who create a positive fandom space. My block list for blogs and tags is a mile long. If they can't see how well-written and balanced Jon and Jay are for each other, that's a loss for them and they may....continue to seethe or whatever it is they do.

If you aren't on the supertruth discord server yet or know of it, I'd highly recommend joining!! It's very fun

This was a mess of a response and I let my emotions get too far away from me I am so sorry. I really understand you Anon <3<3 Hugs and comfort from me!!

[queendomkey]

Guilty as Sin? addresses the idea of emotional cheating, about longing for someone outside their current relationship. The speaker describes being in bored in her relationship, and fantasizing about a guy that she is texting* while her lover likely does the same**.

*In my romantic pirate heart, they're pen pals paramours as opposed to texting troublemakers. He "sent" her Downtown Lights, which could easily be read as being sent a streaming link, but I want to believe he sent her a burned tape. **As I've previously said, The Tortured Poets Department is an album in conversation with itself. The mutual emotional infidelity is only really implied by the speaker's questioning her right to be upset within Guilty as Sin? but is made clearer in other places throughout the album. Whether you allow other songs to affect your reading of the song is wholly up to you..

Diversion aside, I think the song touches on this theme very well, and I trust my fellow Department members will provide insights on the song's preferred reading in today's meeting.

In the reception theory of reader responses, a preferred reading is the audience understanding and agreeing with the author's (or producer, or lyricist, etc. ) intended vision for their media. Reception theory also says that readers can take oppositional and negotiated readings. Oppositional readings reject the author's stance entirely, while a negotiated reading may agree in part or whole, but still have their own "take" on the media.

Guilty as Sin? is intended to be about emotional infidelity. For the past few days, I have been analyzing the songs through their preferred reading. Today, I would like to destroy all of that, and present to you my Oppositional Reading of Guilty as Sin?

I know, very well, that the reading I am about to present is not Swift's intent, and indeed, I may be a koi swimming against the river's current. This post is not meant to be me saying that the song is my reading. I am within opposition to the text.

(I guess that technically makes this a negotiated reading? semantics—)

I am about to commit the cardinal sin of reading queer themes into a straight author's work. Crucify me if you please, but do so with the context that I acknowledged that this reading is not "canonical," to continue being biblical about it.

To reiterate, because this is the "how dare you say we piss on the poor" website. I do not believe that my reading is the intended reading of Guilty as Sin?

So:

When reading queer themes into straight work, I feel it is impossible to not draw from personal experience. This post is about Guilty as Sin? but it is also about me. It is about what growing up queer in the rural American southeast is like. It's hard to detangle those things.

I present to the department: A case for Guilty as Sin? as a song of queer longing. Half analysis, half personal essay.

On the surface, I feel this reading can be very simple. When the whole refrain is how can I be guilty as sin? and hegemonic Christian society deems queer love, queer living as sinful, the connection doesn't feel like that hard of a jump. The song travels through its religious theming, through the shame, through hushing yourself with the idea that thoughts don't count. The speaker works through those pains and repressions, so that she can come to the revelation:

What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?

What initially got me thinking about this song in a gay way was one of the opening lyrics. ( Well, no, what initially got me thinking this was listening to it as I was writing fiction, but hush. )

This cage was once just fine.

As a bisexual woman, there was once a time where I really, truly, thought to myself that I would never come out. It was fine, to be honest. I still like men, so I just had to pray that my one big love was a man. That way, I could protect myself from my family’s imagined negative reactions. I don't think this is a unique experience, either. Particularly in the south, we hold ourselves in for the comfort of others, and our own safety.

I cannot speak for everyone, but I feel like that fear of rejection is common amongst the people I know. It leads to caging our feelings; locking bits of ourselves away from those who once knew us so closely, in order to preserve their original vision of us. As perfect, straight sons and daughters, as kids who would grow into the molds set forth. And for a while, we can hold together like this, the cage is fine. 

But parrots pluck their feathers when kept under lock and key, and so too do we. 

I dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks.

Doesn't it feel like that? The first time you consider telling a parent, or any loved one, that you're not what they imagined. Like you could be dashing your chances at life. The image brings to mind that of suicide, of a “I can no longer live like this.” People thrown to the rocks do not survive impact, and often are disfigured, beyond recognition. It's such a visceral image for a song filled with longing. 

This song is textually about emotional infidelity, obviously, but I think it can also be about the longing we hold for the "unallowed." How we can both feel such beautiful love and hideous shame about the same thoughts. Repression is a funny thing, to smother the want can only make it come back harder, stronger.

What if I roll the stone away? They're gonna crucify me anyways.

I said that the Christian imagery is part of what made me think of the song as queer, and I stand by it. A lot of queer art deals with the trauma of religion; the idea of being guilty for the way you simply are, for the way you feel, naturally, drives one to consider the opposite. What if our way of being is holy. I'm particularly brought to mind Fipsi Seilern’s Portrait of Virgin Xtravaganzah (and the portraiture's subject - Virgin X - by extension.)

The connection is not hard to make; masturbation, the song’s main premise, is seen as sinful, as is infidelity. And so, too, is being gay. They are shamed the same way in conservative Christian society, as if they are of the same level.

In a way, it's very Christian of me to take a religiously charged song about emotional infidelity and make it about same gender attraction. On the level of infractions to the Christian hegemony, same gender attraction may be worse, truly, than infidelity. That to touch another man or another woman is worse of a crime, than to betray the trust of your opposite gendered partner.

Y'know, as a kid, I used to get nosebleeds every time I entered my family's church. It was high in the mountains of Tennessee, and I was prone to them anyways. It was my first experience with the hemming and hawing of Christian southern women, tsk'ing at me. I think we stopped going when I was like, ten, partially because of it.

And I look back now, and think about all these things I have learned since then. The pain that Christian dogmatism, that bigotry has caused, to me and the communities I love so dearly. Still causes, in the name of saving our souls, or more likely, extermination.

And think about bleeding every time I crossed the threshold into holy ground.

Does that make us all guilty as sin?

Nah. Any guilt we feel is only a consequence of the spoon fed hatred, and certainly no fault of our own.

( It is interesting, that this reading absolves the narrator of the song, where the original text is more ambiguous as to the level of infraction that the Speaker has committed. The answer to "How can I be guilty as sin?" here is more clear, especially to this specific audience. Swift's modern demographics trend towards young, leftist, and AFAB. Additionally, there's probably a whole essay in that idea itself, how queer people are treated with the same ostracism as adulterers. Going further, why are these "sins," a state of being and a social infraction, grouped with far greater transgressions in the Christian consciousness. Were I not a Biology student, that idea alone would be an excellent thesis topic. )

A defense of the idea of Queering Straight Songs:

When my family drove up the mountain to church, I listened to my Fearless disc on a pink Sony brand CD player in the back seat. How often are our first imaginings of queer love to straight media? Through characters or through idealized versions of us or through the music we're allowed, we find ways to feel queer love like sidewalk dandelions. Some call them weeds, but we all know they're flowers, beautiful and beloved, capable of coming back year after year.

We live in an age where queer stories and queer art are so visible, where we can look at Queering the Map and see all the places we are. And will continue to be. And have always been.

I think, in a way, claiming this song about straight infidelity as queer longing is almost a full circle moment, for me. In a time where queer liberties are at risk, we are still so loud and visible. It's nice, in a way, that I don't have to do this.

There are so many wonderful songs about this same longing, about locking your feelings up and bottling them away, by queer artists, even in this same genre. I don't have to stretch to see myself in these songs. They're radio play, they're opening Coachella.

( Also, protect small queer art. Protect bad queer art, too, while we're at it. We are so lucky that so much of queer lives are available at our fingertips, but without archival and protection, it can also be lost. )

I wouldn't say queer people are braver than we've ever been - that's a disservice to the people before us. We have ages of proof that this music, this art, has existed, and repressing it cannot stop it. We aren't any braver than our ancestors, just more widely seen, and more widely heard. Queer music, thanks to the internet, and thanks to wide, social pressure, is louder than ever.

But that doesn't mean we still can't queer the straight music we love too. This entire post (essay, can I call it an essay?) is about reception theory and seeing yourself in the other's work. It's a time honored tradition to make a song about yourself, to make it gay - I played Lover on violin at a lesbian couple's wedding, and my uncles danced at their wedding to Endless Love by Diana Ross.

I leave you with a final story, based on my favorite lyric.

What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh, only in my mind?

This line, in particular, made me feel many things, a rush of nostalgia and warmth. I've claimed many celebrities to be my bi awakening, but the first time I remember being attracted to a girl was at the Speak Now tour. She was a bit older than me, maybe 14, and sat across the aisle. Mid-show, she helped me write my favorite lyrics on my arm in the pitch black of Bridgestone Arena. I had seen the lyrics on Taylor's arm and got so excited about the idea, but my mother didn't have a sharpie. She did. In sort of loopy handwriting, she put, "You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter" down my right arm.

With purple glitter glinting off tanned, grinning cheeks, with her Speak Now glowstick hovering over my arm, I don't remember her name, or even if I asked for it. But she was so kind, crinkling eyes black as obsidian, twinkling the stage lights in their reflection, and made me realize exactly why that lyric resonated with me so deeply. How it was what I wanted to be in the future.

And I could see my future with her, or him, or them. And it is impossible to untangle Swift's music from that.

It's all empathy, all the way down. The kind of empathy that, I am not sorry to be corny and say it, Taylor Swift's music begs you to have. To take these songs that are very much written from her perspective, and see our own experiences mirrored through them, that's what her music asks. To see that we are not all that different, and to connect. How rare and mundane human connection, how we rip out our souls to achieve it. Swift's talked about it extensively, the catharsis of spilling ink, putting pen to paper and voice to recording all in effort to be seen.

I think that's the big motif: I feel seen by Guilty as Sin?, I felt seen back then listening to these CDs. That's the sorcery of storytelling. As an adult, who is so comfortable in her bisexuality that I flaunt it, I still like to do these oppositional readings, to see myself in songs not made about me.

And that's why Guilty as Sin? is, to me, a queer longing kind of song. Even if it isn't.

[fae-morrigan]

Can you talk about Jayjon and children…how do you think they get to that point? I feel like neither of them would be really good at bringing up the idea of starting a family

Oh how did you know I was thinking about this? I actually think its something they discuss pretty early. Mainly because I think Jon is the kind of cheesy white man to casually drop that he wants to marry Jay into a conversation, and at that point they have a conversation about what they end up wanting in their future. As for actually being in a place to have a kid? I think you're right in that they're bad at bringing it up, but that comes from a place of like... not ever truly feeling ready. Okay so while you're here I gotta go into why I think they'd have a kid. I don't like not justifying that, because as someone who doesn't really want kids myself, thats a big decision that needs to be discussed within the scope of their characters!

Obviously, to start with, they both want to get married. Jon's the romantic one who wants a ceremony, but they're both in agreement they want the legal partnership that marriage functionally means Just In Case something happens to one of them. Small headcanon on a headcanon, but I think this is important for Jay in particular because Sara (gay) and her late wife were never able to get legally married (since it wasnt legal yet) and it caused a LOT of problems for them.

For Jon, Tomasi has written it so Jon has expressed (when he was 11) never wanting to get married or have kids, but I obviously want to read a queer meaning into this. We can see in Challenge of the Super Sons that this fear is specifically tied to not wanting to be a carbon copy of his dad, and not wanting to be trapped in a heterosexual 'nuclear family' model. I think now that Jon's realized he's bisexual, but also now that he's older and no longer a kid himself, he ends up re-evaluating, which a lot of queer people do! And realizing that it was never being a dad that was the fear, but rather, being his dad. Love clark, but having a hero as a dad kind of ruined Jon's life. I think Jon's condition on having kids from that point on is forever "I cant be superman when that time comes, thats an instant retirement condition"

Jay I think is less obvious, but I think passing on his culture as a Gamorran to somebody would be really important to him. More than that, I think Jay would recognize the role that people like of course his mother, but also Revolutionaries have played in raising him into the man he is, and he'd want to 'pay it forward' as it were. Also I think Jay would want to specifically be a dad, if we're rolling with the trans headcanon here. Its that queer importance of being authentic to yourself in a family context. I think he would have the same fear as Jon though, in terms of being like his moms- For jay, it's that he doesn't want to die early in the line of duty doing what he does, and cause that pain for his child.

I think they have one bio kid (via whatever means, im partial to the jay is trans explanation but it could also be like, using the krypton cloning machine in the fortress, etc etc magic baby) and then they may adopt kids who are in need of a home if the need arises (like clark did with the twins).

But for that first kid, its like. They keep putting it off mentioning it because they're both individually scared of getting it wrong. Jon's like, thirty, going no. We cant have baby yet. I havent finished renovating our second bathroom by hand. And Jay is like hmmmm what if I overthrow just one more dictatorship first.

I think it ends up being breached when they both independently remember they're not doing the nuclear family bullshit in the first place. Their kid will have them as deeply involved parents, but they'll also have SO many more adults to lean on, too. Damian, Nia, Flatline, the Superfam, the Revs, the titans, all intending to take an active role in Child Being Alive Duties. It takes the pressure off.

[amusingmusie]

Hello! I'm a big fan of your work "Yours Truly" on Ao3 & your character Penelope, probably like the rest of us here!

So, as we all know, Alastor is someone who is on the asexual spectrum– a real shocker, I know! [/s] But there's a question that's been bugging me for a while, and that is 'what sexuality is Nel'? Because I SWEAR on my life I saw a post saying that she is bisexual, but I cannot seem to find it– so I don't know if that's a fragment of my imagination, and I have entirely made that up... Or that's an actual thing that has been stated and I simply forgot lmao!

I hope that isn't something weird to ask! And, if I really DID make that up, then I'm sorry for bothering you with all those questions!

BUT ALSO, just in case my mind isn't actually playing tricks on me- would you say that Nel is 'aware' of her attraction to women? That she recognizes it as the same attraction she feels towards men, as we see with Alastor– or does she pay it no mind? Not in a "actively ignoring it" way, just a "I've never really thought about it for various reasons"– because we do see Nel being quite open minded in your work, like when she confronts Alastor about the altar for his ancestors without any real judgement! She seems very tolerant and willing to learn about the 'unknown'! Did she have a very sudden realization that 'oh shit, (unspecified lady) is HOT what the hell-", or did her attraction manifest in more subtle ways throughout her life? Obviously, I doubt she would ever put a label on her feelings, simply because of the realities of the times in which "Yours Truly" takes place– similarly to how Alastor (even in Hell) isn't aware of the more 'modern' labels for his sexual attraction, or rather the lack of it!

All in all, Nel is an amazing character, no matter her sexuality– you really made her feel like a real person! She doesn't feel shallow or flat like some characters in fanfiction often do– she has both positive and negative aspects of her character, which make her interactions with the people around her all the more entertaining to read! Especially with Alastor– but I must say, I am also a big fan of her relationship with Grace! I am a sucker for siblings that genuinely care & love each other, but who also can be jokingly mean, and well... Act like real siblings would! I find that most fanfictions follow either the "siblings who absolutely despise each (especially if they are both women, for some reason)" trope, or the "siblings who are sickeningly sweet with one another".

I see that I have written quite a long wall of text– I hope I didn't completely bore you out of your mind! Have a nice day/night, and remember to prioritize your health & mental wellbeing! Toodles! <33

I rub my hands together like a grubby little fly.

You didn't make it up! Nel is technically bisexual (and on the aro/ace spectrum). It's not something I've explicitly written in my fic since she's not even aware of it- that lady grew up in the backwoods in the early 19th century USA. Not saying she couldn't figure it out, she just really doesn't think about it? Like you said, Al is like "huh" when his sexuality is labeled, so is she lol. Eventually she might kinda blink and go "oooooooh" but I don't think it's a big spoiler to say she found her person with Alastor, so while it's an important discovery that's part of her identity, she's happily unhappy with that fucker.

But that's not to say she's unaware of the LGBTQ community or that she's discriminatory towards them! Part of her defining personality is that she is very accepting and if Grace came home with a girl she would not bat an eye. Bonus points if the girl can't get her pregnant lmao. Nel thinks a win is a win.

All in all, I'm a lesbian, and the majority of my OCs have a little sugar in their tanks whether they realize it or not (even if they're unhappily/happily stuck with a stinky deer man) <3

Also, I'm glad you like Grace! I know sibling characters can be hit or miss, but she's integral to the story so I couldn't get rid of her.

Thanks for the cool ask :)

[kittykat299]

Thundercats (1985) Headcanons

As per my last post this is entirely conjecture based exclusively on the 1985 cartoon and nothing else. I have never watched the 2011 show or read the comic.

Reader beware, you're in for.... a lot

Thunderans in general

They have tails. idc what the show says they have tails. Some of them have lost their tails, in battle or otherwise. Will note which characters have which.

They can purr and hiss. Also they slow blink to show affection (like real cats!)

Wildly different heights from canon. Might update with height chart to elaborate later.

OG Thundercats all come from nobility and their paranatural abilities are a noble bloodline thing.

Thundera homophobic? It's more likely than you think. You know we love to hurt ourselves.

Lion-o

Was 12 when Thundera was destroyed. 17 after being sent to Third Earth. 20 when they discover the new Thundercats.

Autistic Himbo who loves ancient history. Could spend hours every day studying ancient history and views what little remains of First Earth as a treasure trove of ancient mysteries.

Bisexual. Had a crush on Cheetara as a teen, but once the new Thundercats showed up he fell head over heels for Bengali.

Cis man (he/him)

Speaking of which, marries Bengali, who he adores. He would die for his wife but he won't let him.

Has a tail. It only reaches his knees so is fairly out of the way.

Grew up feeling very isolated in the palace. There were servants, sure, and his nanny Snarf and mentor Jaga, but rarely got time to leave the palace and didn't interact much with his parents. He'll do about anything to get people to like him and fears the people closest to him will eventually abandon him.

Survivor's Guilt hits heavy when someone says to your face "we cannot save these people, we are prioritizing you". Even worse when your mentor dies to save your life.

Loves going camping and spending time in the wilderness. He picked up many survivalist tips from the people of Third Earth. He hates being cooped up inside and is slightly claustrophobic, and roughing it out in the woods every so often keeps him happy and calm.

Every so often he comes to Lynx-o just to ask him about his father, about Thundera's history. Lynx-o likes any excuse to tell his stories to people who haven't heard them a hundred times already.

Tygra

Was 20 when Thundera was destroyed. 25 on Third Earth. 28 when they find the new Thundercats

Gay gay homo sexual gay

Cis man (he/him)

Perfectionist with self-destructive tendencies. Addictive personality (both drug abuse episodes in the series were about Tygra, much to think about)

Has a tail. It used to be longer but he lost around half of it in an incident he still doesn't like to talk about.

Long term relationship with Panthro, they get married on Third Earth

Adopts the Thunderkittens along with Panthro. These two are the first the kittens turn to for parenting and comfort. At first they don't want to broach the topic in case the kittens get hurt but the kittens approach them after hearing Bengali and Pumyra talk about how Lynx-o has become a father to them and they call him dad sometimes.

Had strict, demanding parents who expected nothing less of perfection from him in everything he did: architecture, gymnastics, science, mental abilities, all of it. He regularly burned himself out trying to earn their approval until he became a Thundercat, at which point he ignored all contact from his family.

Had a hero crush on Panthro for a very long time, thought he'd grown out of it but when he became a Thundercat and began seeing Panthro in person it changed into a real romantic attraction.

Had multiple casual flings before actually dating Panthro.

Views Bengali as a little sibling, he sees his own naivety in relationships in her and wants to protect her but also they pick fights with each other a lot (mostly Bengali starts fights tbh).

Panthro

Was 29 when Thundera was destroyed. 34 on Third Earth. 37 when they found the new Thundercats.

Gay asf look at that harness. In the 80s??? That is a gay man

Cis man (he/him)

Had a tail, but it was cropped when he went down the route of becoming a fighter. A tail is just another weak point.

For relationship and adoption of kittens, see Tygra's entry above.

His and Tygra's relationship has been strained and they separated shortly before Thundera's destruction due to tension, but never stopped loving each other. Got back together shortly afterward.

He's not very good at expressing his deeper feelings, especially love and fear. This has been a source of tension in his and Tygra's relationship but it's mostly because Tygra can't see the way Panthro looks at him when he isn't looking at Panthro.

Grew up in a competitive household with a brother who would hurt him for fun, and always got away with some excuse or other. His brother was the golden child while he was often left out of the spotlight.

Actually pretty good friends with Bengali, they often end up working in the same spaces on their projects and occasionally collaborate on new gear.

Cheetara

Was 27 when Thundera was destroyed. 32 on Third Earth. 35 when they found the new Thundercats.

Bisexual

Cis woman (she/her)

Has a tail almost as long as her legs. Uses it for balance while she's running.

Has been athletic all her life, she finds comfort and destresses by working out regularly. Sometimes forgets her duties and responsibilities because she gets so in the zone.

Cheetara and Pumyra spend a lot of time working out together, both being more athletic than the other Thundercats, and developed feelings towards each other through athletic competition.

Goes on a morning run every day, usually to the Tower of Omens to go see her girlfriend.

She used to resent her psychic abilities, back on Thundera she was often made to use them as essentially a party trick despite how exhausted and hurt she would get afterward. As such she barely practiced using them. On Third Earth she was only rarely called upon to use them, only in emergency, and always given time and help to recover afterwards. She slowly grew to appreciate her ability and began to practice it until she could execute it more safely.

Struggles with feeling valuable when she isn't being useful, but has difficulty telling that to the others to get the support she needs as she's used to having to support herself.

Pumyra is her "exCUSE me, she asked for NO PICKLES" girlfriend.

Wilykit

Was 8 when Thundera was destroyed. 12 on Third Earth. 15 when they found the new Thundercats.

Still figuring herself out. She/her

Has a tail. Tries to take care of it, but with all the running around she and Kat do it's hard.

Has far more teenaged behavior than in the show. IDC what the show says those two are teens by s2 and dont talk or act like little kids anymore.

Usually the instigator of their shenanigans, especially the ones that land them in hot water.

She looks up to Panthro especially and often spends time watching and learning as he works on machines, even when she doesn't have to. Wants to build her own super cool vehicle, maybe with a sidecar for Wilykat.

She's the one who decided to talk to Tygra and Panthro about being adopted by them. They already had been, essentially, but nobody wanted to actually say anything in case feelings got hurt.

Wilykat

Was 8 when Thundera was destroyed. 12 on Third Earth. 15 when they found the new Thundercats.

Still figuring himself out. He/him

Has a tail.

See again: teen behavior. They still make poor decisions and can be childish, but they're not little kids anymore.

He's the first to break when they get in trouble, he's a bit more sensitive than his sister.

He doesn't start shenanigans, he just has very poor judgement and emotional control and will often make bad choices especially when he's angry.

Most likely to argue with the others, but also the first to apologize once he's cooled down.

Cheetara takes him under her wing in a sense and teaches him how to use exercise as an outlet for his excess energy. Tygra joins them too every so often, happy to see his adoptive kid enjoying himself.

Snarf

Age indeterminate.

He/him

Has a habit of still treating Lion-o like he's a child, even after he's a fully grown man and officially Lord of the Thundercats. Lion-o doesn't mind most of the time.

Much grayer in the face than the show depicts.

Doesn't really like sleeping in his own bed, will nap pretty much wherever in common areas so if something happens he can know about it.

Spends a lot of time worrying about something bad happening to Lion-o, especially when he can't come with and has to guard Cat's Lair.

Often thinks about retiring to the planet of Snarfs but can't bring himself to leave. He does retire eventually but mostly stays on Third Earth with the Thundercats he's gotten so attached to. Regularly visits the other Snarfs.

Initially distrustful of Bengali but has grown to like him, especially after seeing how happy he makes Lion-o.

Lynx-o

Was 50 when Thundera was destroyed. 58 when found by the Berserkers.

Kind of beyond dating for the moment, but prefers men.

Cis man (he/him)

Has a tail, but it's a bobtail like real lynx.

Was a martial arts instructor on Thundera, highly adept at most forms of hand to hand combat.

Never intended to be a father but after meeting Pumyra and then Bengali, has developed intense paternal instincts. He'll adopt everyone in this team if he has to.

Tygra and Panthro made up some braille signs for doorways and equipment for when Lynx-o visits Cats Lair.

As a young fighter on Thundera had a huge hero crush on Jaga. Used to be embarrassed by it but honestly is beyond that by now. Nobody's sure how to tell him Jaga's spirit is kind of hanging around still and can hear Lynx-o talk about him like that.

Will randomly approach Pumyra, Bengali, and/or Snarfer and drop Dad Lore before walking away. Those three are still trying to piece together his life story based entirely on Dad Lore Drops.

Pumyra

Was 21 when Thundera was destroyed. 29 when found by the Berserkers.

Lesbiab. Lesbiam. Less bien. Girls

Trans woman (she/her)

Has a tail. Sometimes grabs it by accident when she's going for her belt/sling.

Not really a specialist in any area beyond her athleticism, takes interest in learning as many skills as she thinks could be useful. Combat, first aid medicine, building, hunting and fishing, crafting clothes and tools. She'll climb the walls if she isnt learning and practicing some new skill or other.

Views Bengali and Snarfer as her little siblings, for better or worse. Was the first to be essentially adopted by Lynx-o and is the oldest of the three.

Short tempered, and just plain short. She's around Bengali's height- he is also short.

Sometimes spars with Cheetara. Always claims it's for training, but really she just wants an excuse to engage in homoerotic battle with a taller, stronger woman.

Lived stealth on Thundera, Lynx-o helping connect her with the medical assistance necessary to help her transition.

Speaking of which, once their survival needs were met her new biggest worry was not being able to get estrogen anymore. Once the Thundercats arrived she realized she could use the medical database and computers along with material found on Third Earth to create a new, steady supply.

(if they can solve all their problems with magic and if science can make shit like invincible superpowers real in this universe [i.e. the ep where vultureman does just that], i think sustainable HRT isn't too big of an ask)

Bengali

Was 17 when Thundera was destroyed. 25 when found by the Berserkers.

Genderfluid (he/him or she/her, depending on the day. Mostly prefers he/him) Gay (just likes men)

Had a tail. Lost her tail in an accident. Doesn't mind because without it he can show off his ass better.

Eventually marries Lion-o. Fell in love the moment he laid eyes on Lion-o. Anyone else notice throughout the series Bengali says that "Lion-o needs us" to do XYZ thing, when he means the team as a whole needs them to do it? His first line on seeing Lion-o is him stammering.

Didn't start experimenting with gender until Third Earth, at which point went nuts w it. Loves being called the Queen after marrying Lion-o. She doesn't have a name for it but it's essentially what we'd call genderfluid. Sometimes feels fem, sometimes masc, sometimes neither or both.

Grew up in an isolated tribe of Tygrans called the Ben-Gal whose culture was distinct from other Thunderans. They're smaller than other Tygrans and more likely to be born with white fur instead of orange.

Apprenticed at a forge from a young age at his parents' insistence (his father was a former blacksmith and wanted his kid to follow in his footsteps). Was something of a prodigy.

Entered a secret relationship as a teenager with one of the smiths working the forge who was in his twenties. When his parents found out, they kicked him out. His "boyfriend" refused to take him in and he ran away to the capital where he met Pumyra and Lynx-o, who took him in and tried their best to keep him safe. Pumyra became an adoptive older sister of sorts and Lynx-o was a father figure to both of them.

Partied hard after running away. Faked ID to get into clubs and drink and hit on men too old for him. His self destruction only really stopped when Thundera was destroyed and he lived for 7/8 years on an island with nothing but his found family and two Berbils.

She has adopted Snarfer as her baby brother and if anything were to happen to him she'd break the code of Thundera and end lives.

Snarfer

10 years old.

He/him

The fridge at the Tower of Omens is covered in his drawings.

Has a habit of standing in the room with people he wants attention from and just staring at them until they pay him attention. He has accidentally scared the others countless times doing this. The only one immune is Lynx-o, who will always eventually start up a conversation.

Listens to music as he does chores since it helps him focus on doing the work. The others don't really get his taste but if he's happy they're happy.

Has something of a know-it-all attitude but kind of grows out of it as he gets older.

Ropes the others into playing games with him. Hide and seek is his favorite but he needs to be careful because one time he fell asleep in his hiding spot and when they couldn't find him they were beside themselves and Bengali was about to disassemble the Tower before Snarfer woke up and came out of hiding.

[royalberryriku]

That one post™ I read recently about being transfem gays and transmasc lesbians got me thinking about gender and sexuality and mine specifically and just... I have so many thoughts and feelings about this.

So many queers assume gender to be this: woman, man or non binary (assumed to mean agender). Yet, so many of us just don't fit into that at all. I know it's not out of malice too, and sometimes we even do know that it's not that simple and try to include bigender, gender fluid, etc in that, but even so, we always go back to assumptions; to a set bias of binary of which we struggle to undo the rules we've set in our own heads and perspectives.

Suddenly, we have limits of which do exclude other queers and even sometimes ourselves, we have hypocritical definitions and fall into a habit of drawing lines around what is This and what is That. And I get it; we want to know ourselves better, to word our experiences more exactly and describe to those around us what it's like to live as someone like us. But here's the thing; that's always not going to be 100% possible. There's always going to be differences and variation even within the same definitions and labels. No matter how similar we may be in regards to a shared experiences and shared struggles, there'll always be exceptions.

Gender and sexuality are like that. I'll expand on this below:

For those who are not transgender or who just generally struggle with this topic and don't know much about it, here's an outline:

Gender identity is, in a very general sense, one's perception of their identity as a person; it's that question of who they are and what they want to be referred to and seen as. For example, if you go up to a cis lady and start making her out to be a man simply because she has short hair, she'd get offended, right? Same case with transgender people, if you start pointing at their chest or at a beard or something like that and start assigning an identity that doesn't align with who they are, they'd get offended for the same exact reason; because they are [insert gender] regardless of appearance.

Now, with that understood, I'll continue with this discussion of sexuality, mine specifically, and then move onto my gender and it's lack of conformity.

I'm bisexual; I'm attracted to all genders, all sexes, all everythings. In fact, more so than most people I know, I have a very diverse range of things I'm into and attracted to. But not every bisexual person is like that. Some bisexual people like only certain things and some only like specific genders. We all have our own different preferences and no two people will have the exact same sexuality; because we are all unique in what we like. And even in saying that for myself, this was a journey of discovery after spending years as asexual, then a lesbian, then a heterosexual man, then someone who used both straight and lesbian to describe by love of women as someone whose gender was indistinct and now as bisexual having now realised I do love men and other genders as well. All throughout this process, I was surrounded by a community, one I still feel very connected to and have some overlap with as well. It's interesting and beautiful how these people both differ from me and yet how also similar we still are, even now.

Sexualities are here, as terms, to help us find more people who are similar; to find solidarity in a shared experience. However, it isn't to find those exactly the same because, see, that just doesn't exist. That's why lesbian and gay can actually have some overlap, that's why woman and man aren't opposites, that's why gender isn't this "one or the other" thing; because experience is far too varied to ever be narrowed down to such a degree. It's always going to be general; an inexact estimate of similarities that more or less fit a vague definition.

My gender on the other hand? Now that's even more complicated. As I said before, most assume it's a "one or the other" deal, even with non binary in the mix, but the thing is that these terms are general; they are vague and can overlap. I'm a trans man, but I'm also non binary. I am a man, and sometimes I want to be perceived as the same as a cis man, but not always. This also is something that means I may fit under being gender fluid. However, on top of that, I am more often than not two or more things at once. I'm a man, but I also see myself as a butch lady at the same time. This also fits under the definition of being bigender. Yet, on top of that? There are also times when I just feel removed from gender identity as a thing all together. This also fits with agender.

Now, for those who may not be so familiar with all these terms I'm throwing around, I'm essentially saying my identity in regards to the question "are you a man or woman" or even "so are you neither" is very fluid, but it's also both and sometimes even neither or all of the above. The hard thing is this; we have this pre-established subconscious bias that these things are all opposites, that there's a definitive line that divides them. However, in my own experience, this just doesn't apply to everyone and especially not to me who struggles to know where I'd even begin to draw such a line for myself. Woman and man are simply not opposites to me because I am something that overlaps. I'm a man, 100%, not leaning or "a bit"; I am absolutely, entirely a boy. However, my gender would be something that shifts to the same as, say, a he/him lesbian that may not feel that they are a man per se. The difference is I'm both, and many lesbians and trans men do fit into that both category and have throughout history. Take Leslie Feinberg for instance, the author of Stone Butch Blues. Or the various other cases of butch lesbians and trans men overlapping in history or being mistaken for one another. There is a blurred region that can't be asked or told "oh but which are you" or even "so you're neither" because, at least in my case, I am both. I am 100% of both and it would be inaccurate and a lie to say I am neither, as much as it would be inaccurate or a lie to say I'm one of the other.

And you know what? It's okay if we don't understand what that means or where that fits. It's okay if all of what I said about myself has confused the living hell out of you. You don't need to understand me just like I don't need to understand you or anyone else to simply coexist and respect that we're going to have different preferences and views. I'll never know what it's like to be entirely in a binary, to be able to conform because I am simply unable to if I am to truely be myself and allow whatever that is to just exist. I also don't even necessarily have to understand it, as long I allow myself to exist.

I could honestly go on and on about sexuality, gender, romance, self identity and overall the value of finding community while also loving the value of one's own uniqueness, but I'll settle with this for now. All I'll say in regards to that is that this all also applies to being aromantic, demisexual, demigirl/boy, omnisexual, polysexual, xenogenders, pansexual and many, many other terms. These are all simply here to better understand ourselves and create more understanding of experiences that may no fit into other pre-existing terms. That's awesome and something to embrace. You don't even necessarily have to worry about understanding these or remembering them all. At the end of the day, these people are all simply fellow queers and define themselves in a range of both different or similar ways to the more well known sexualities and orientations, stretching back to heterosexuality and the norm of cisgender experiences. These are all simply terms to describe the differences between each of these lived experiences; all these different people in different terms aren't so different from you and you aren't so different to them.

But I digress, the point here is that regardless of gender or sexuality, nothing is set in stone and nothing can truly all be defined with one single definition. No matter how rigid the definition, no matter who is excluded or included, no matter how much it fits you or someone else, it won't fit everyone perfectly and there'll always be differences even within those labels. That's a fact of life and the beauty of it. It's part of why I am protective of the word queer and gay; a word that means different and a word that means happy. Because to live as truely to yourself as possible, enjoy the splendor of those little quirks and unique bits to yourself, to fall in love with yourself regardless of if you're the same or completely different or what or who you are? That's beautiful and wonderful. It's something to be proud of and celebrated. And it's something I wish for all of us to be able to one day appreciate; falling in love with ourselves and our unique existences.

[the-aviary-system]

Aviary System Intro Post

We've been putting this off for too long it's time to make something. We'll edit this as time goes on. For now, basic info and a list of current headmates. It should be a pretty decent frame of reference for our system, account, and individual headmates.

It's gonna get long so I'm gonna drop a read-more here.

Feel free to ask questions about our system :)

We're traumagenic, probably an OSDD system but not diagnosed. We are pro-endo and will block anti-endo blogs. So if you've got a problem with endogenic systems, get out. You don't know them better than they do.

We won’t block you outright but if you reblog a lot of content from anti-endo users that isn’t outright anti-endo (like generic system experiences with a “endos dni” tag on it), we won’t follow back. We have “anti endo,” “endos dni,” and similar tags filtered so it shows us even if your repost doesn’t have those tags. We have them filtered because anti-endo people suck and we don’t want to accidentally reblog something from them in case endos follow us!

On that topic, we're also supportive of xenogenders, neopronouns, otherkin, and other stuff like that. Bigotry will not be tolerated even if we don't have someone in our system who identifies with a certain label.

We don't have a full DNI list yet but it's kinda the usual for the most part, don’t be a dick or a bigot.

We tend to dislike blocking people since we want people to be allowed to speak, but if we say we’re done with an argument and that we’ll start blocking people who try to continue it, we mean it. That’s something we have to do for our mental health and if one member of the system doesn’t start blocking people to end an argument, someone else will.

Some of our headmates are littles and our host age regresses so we may interact with agere content, we feel obligated to say that our littles and regressors are not like this as some sort of kink, this is not DDLG, do not treat them as such. Our littles do not consent to being sexualized and that is a blockable offense for their safety.

Due to having littles we will refrain from following more adult blogs to curate our feeds for their comfort. Also, we won’t reblog or post NSFW on our account. That’s not a DNI, we just probably won’t follow you if you post too much of that, but we’re not gonna like block you or anything.

(Maybe we should make a sideblog dedicated to our littles though? Idk)

We're diagnosed with ADHD but probably also have autism, anxiety, and PTSD.

We consider ourselves a transmasc system because most of us are masculine, so you can call us by he/him, though we're used to people referring to us collectively by plural they/them. Ironically a lot of our headmates consider themselves cis in the wrong body bc plurality is just odd like that- even those who do consider themselves trans do so independently of the body, instead being trans in headspace.

We have a lot of fictives.

We tag posts with whoever made them or reblogged them under the format of [name] post.

Headmates

We usually list headmates in the order they showed up, but we decided to organize alphabetically this time to make this an actually useful reference.

Specific entries may update over time as we bother to put in new info, we won't say when it's updated since that doesn't seem terribly important, it's just a frame of reference for others. Feel free to ask about any headmates. Our headmates are ok with sourcemates and doubles for the most part.

Most headmate birthdays are the day they showed up. A select few of our fictives have canon birthdays, which will be included alongside the day they showed up.

We have some sort of specific difference in definition between pansexual and bisexual which is hard to define. I think for us pan is more of a "gender doesn't really factor into the attraction" and bi is more of a "attraction towards different genders feels different"?

Alastor (he/him)

Fictive (Hazbin Hotel), backup gatekeeper in case something goes wrong or Strahd needs a break. Aroace. As calm as Strahd in stressful circumstances, but in a totally different way- cheerful rather than stoic. He isn't often needed to step up as gatekeeper, but he's happy to do so when needed. Birthday- May 8, 2022.

Angel Dust (he/him)

Fictive (Hazbnin Hotel). Birthday- February 12, 2024.

Asakayu (he/him)

A lamia/snake person who looks like a cobra with black and gold scales. Somewhat colder and crueler than most, but not towards us, just in general. Birthday- August 26, 2022.

Charlotte Emily (she/her)

Goes by "Charlie" for short. Fictive (FNaF games; not the book's Charlie), little (9 y/o). Less feral than the other littles (aka slightly less likely to playfully bite you). Birthday- May 13. Showed up on January 19, 2023.

Darmiir Ashmaul (he/him)

Fictive (D&D character; mimic monk/rogue), middle (12 y/o). Agender but uses masc pronouns. Very friendly and optimistic. Loves to get along with and help others. Not to be confused with the Mimic, one of our FNaF fictives. Birthday- September 29, 2022.

Dipper Pines (he/him)

Fictive (Gravity Falls), middle (13 y/o), taskdoer. He genuinely enjoys learning stuff (unlike some of us) so he handles schoolwork and reading things, which can be a struggle for a lot of us. Birthday- August 31, 1999. Showed up on November 12, 2022.

Eclipse (they/them)

Fictive (FNaF: Security Breach Ruin), caretaker. A separate headmate from Sun and Moon, but fittingly is kind of a mix of both of them in terms of role and personality. They're calmer than Sun but more energetic than Moon, and can easily take up either of their roles if they need to switch out. The Daycare Attendants might be a subsystem or something similar, since they can wake each other up super easily. You know that clip during the Security Breach teasers with Sun twirling his head and switching into Moon? Yeah, it's literally that fast. Birthday- July 29, 2023.

Emyr (he/it)

Sometimes called “Em”/“Emm” as a nickname. Host, age slider/regressor (usually goes by “Emmy” when little), trauma holder, anger holder, anxiety holder, otherkin (dragon, cryptid, shadow/void, corvid), shapeshifter in headspace. Uranic, panromantic, gray asexual, trans demiboy. Sometimes feral, responsible for the otherkin reposts. Has some animalistic mannerisms, like head-bobbing like a lizard, preening people it cares about, and being bitey (especially when little). Hates being alone because he's really anxious (and gets frustrated by things easily and needs someone to calm him down) so he often has another headmate active with him. Birthday- September 22, 2003.

Evan Afton (he/him)

Fictive (FNaF 4), little (haven’t figured out age yet) and Michael’s younger brother. Gets along great with him despite their past issues. Cries and gets scared easily, somewhat quiet and anxious. Showed up very unexpectedly- most fictives we can predict in advance, but with Evan, we had a dream from his perspective, and then he woke up. He wasn’t even on our radar, so to speak. Birthday- August 8, 2023.

Grima (he/him)

Fictive (Fire Emblem: Awakening), former persecutor. After having a confrontation with Strahd for causing harm to our system, we didn't see him for a long time, then he came back just to mock a different system's persecutor. He said he got bored of tormenting us. Birthday- June 27, 2022.

Jeremy Fitzgerald (he/she)

Fictive (FNaF 2). Bigender, demisexual/romantic. Given how little canon info Jeremy has, ours is just based on stuff our brain made up. He was best friends with Michael during their school years, but fell apart after '83 and hadn't seen each other since- mostly due to what happened in '87. The two were very happy to see each other again. In fact, Jeremy's appearance in our system was likely indirectly due to Michael thinking about him and missing him. Despite everything, Jeremy is an optimistic and cheerful person, though she does show some amount of anxiety, especially surrounding her source. Showed up on September 27, 2023. Considers his birth year to be 1968.

Kris Dreemur (they/them)

Fictive (Deltarune), middle (16 y/o). Non-binary, bisexual. Chaotic gremlin. Good at masking as Emyr due to the two of them having sort of similar personalities and voice pitches, so on a few occasions they've stepped in for it when it needed a break (such as when around family). Birthday- June 25, 2022.

Lerian (he/they)

Soother, kind of a fictive? Pansexual, trans femboy. He's based on the Heron Laguz from Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance, but he popped up before we played it, so he's not based on any of the characters. They can comfort people who are upset, and they're also very good with littles and is often seen as a parental figure to them. Birthday- May 16, 2022.

Link (he/they)

Fictive (LoZ: Breath of the Wild), taskdoer. Transmasc, GNC, pansexual. Pretty determined when he sets his mind to something, which is what makes him a good taskdoer. Friendly and outgoing. Can and will talk, but tends to stay quiet when possible. Enjoys cooking. Birthday- June 9, 2023.

Lucifer (any/all)

Myctive (Christianity). Made because of our negative associations with our Christian upbringing. However, he doesn't hate Christianity. They're all about freedom- worship whatever you want to as long as you aren't using it to cause harm or dictate how others can live their lives. Ironically, for those reasons, he's way better about Christianity than our host, Emyr, who finds it to be a deeply uncomfortable topic due to personal reasons. Birthday- February 27, 2023.

Mary Schmidt (she/her)

Fictive (Five Nights at Candy's 1 and 3). Birthday- February 2nd, 2024.

Michael Afton (he/him)

Fictive (FNaF), trauma holder, depression holder. Bisexual. Snarky asshole (affectionate) and goofball (yes, this was written by one of his boyfriends- Emyr- how can you tell?) A lot of our fictives have some exotrauma, the brain usually picks them because they have something that it relates to (notice the amount of fictives with family trauma in this system), but the reason I didn't mark them as trauma holders is because the brain really picks on him with the exotrauma. A lot. His fortitude despite this fact is admirable, a lot of our other headmates wouldn't be able to handle this role. Please offer him a hug if you see him, he needs it. Showed up on March 24, 2023. Considers his birth year to be 1968.

Mimic (it/any)

Fictive (FNaF: Security Breach Ruin/Tales from the Pizzaplex). Really reclusive, so unlikely to be seen on this account. Don't really know if it can be classified as a little, but it sure acts like one. Somewhat dislikes MXES but tolerates it. Not to be confused with Darmiir, our D&D fictive whose species is mimic. Birthday- November 15th, 2023.

Mister Mistoffelees (he/neos)

Pronouns: He/him/his/his/himself

Gli/glit/glitter/glitters/glitterself

Spar/spark/sparkle/sparkles/sparkleself

Tri/trick/tricks/tricks/trickself

Il/illu/illusi/illus/illusionself

Fictive (Cats the musical, 1998). Birthday- January 31, 2024.

Moon (he/it)

Fictive (FNaF: Security Breach), caretaker. Was made specifically to take care of littles, but will take care of anyone who asks. Encourages people to get to bed at a reasonable time and boy our sleep schedule has never been better. He's a very good listener when you need to get something off your chest while trying to go to sleep. Calm, but also a little mischevious and known to tease people (unless they're upset, in which case he doesn't). Birthday- October 19, 2022.

M.X.E.S. (xe/it)

Fictive (FNaF: Security Breach Ruin), gatekeeper. Nonverbal. Xir gatekeeping ability is pretty similar to how xe can just teleport animatronics around in source, which makes it easy to get people in or out of front. Birthday- September 18, 2023

Napstablook (they/star/neb/gala)

Goes by "Blooky" for short. Fictive (Undertale), depression holder. They're pretty shy and don't like to feel like they're "wasting" time that could go to someone else being in front. Gala’s really nice though. If you see neb, offer neb a hug!

Star modified some of star’s pronouns to make them sound a bit better so here’s the full list of how they work, with they/them included for reference:

they/them/their/theirs/themself

star/star/stars/stars/starself

neb/nebula/nebulas/nebulas/nebulaself

gala/gala/galax/galaxys/galaxyself

Birthday- February 13, 2023

Pure Vessel (it/they)

Goes by "Vess" for short- Fictive (Hollow Knight), Protector, taskdoer. Nonverbal. Aroace. It can't talk or do any sort of sounds with our vocal cords (it can do stuff that doesn't require the voice, like clicking or whistling. We picked up an ASL class for it but we struggle to retain that kind of thing. Despite being a protector it’s actually very friendly and a bit goofy. Very good at pushing distractions out of its mind to get work done. It wants to learn to speak, and has been managing to get out a whisper as of late. Birthday- May 29, 2022.

The Robot (it/its)

Taskdoer. It has about as little emotion as a headmate can have, I think. It doesn't care to interact with people so it probably won't be using this account. It only talks when it must. It didn't even pick out a name. It just wants to get things done. Birthday- November 7th, 2022.

Rouxls Kaard (he/him)

Fictive (Deltarune). Bisexual. A Dramatic Bastard (affectionate). Doesn't really front much anymore. Birthday- June 17, 2022.

Rum Tum Tugger (he/him)

Fictive (Cats the Musical, 1998). Birthday- February 4, 2024.

Sans (he/him)

Fictive (Undertale). Probably aro and/or ace, or on those spectrums? Pretty chill guy. Birthday- January 20, 2024.

Stolas (he/him)

Fictive (Helluva Boss). Gay. Pretty cheerful when not having a Depression Moment™. Pretty decent with littles. Haven't seen him in a while. Birthday- August 11, 2022.

Strahd von Zarovich (he/him)

Fictive (Curse of Strahd; D&D), gatekeeper. Vampire, former human. Pansexual, gray aromantic (?). Calm to the point of appearing cold, but he does care a lot about us. As a count, he is good at overseeing people and handles responsibility well. All these things make him a very good gatekeeper who can and will do whatever is necessary to keep us alive and well. Birthday- May 7, 2022.

Strix (she/they)

Little (~7-8 y/o). One of our few non-fictives. She's a snowy owl harpy, very friendly and silly. She's our first little, because she showed up before Emyr learned he could age regress. Has some birdlike mannerisms, like preening people they like. Birthday- May 7, 2022.

Sun (he/him)

Fictive (FNaF: Security Breach), caretaker. Was made specifically to take care of littles, but will take care of anyone who asks. Helps with motivation since some days we struggle to even get out of bed, let alone take care of ourselves. Very cheerful! Birthday- October 19, 2022.

Susie (she/her)

Fictive (Deltarune), anger holder, protector, middle (17?). Was intentionally introjected by Kris, and the two spend a lot of time together. Will break someone's legs if they hurt the system, and especially if they hurt Kris. Birthday- June 25, 2023.

Vanessa Afton (she/her)

Fictive (FNaF movie), traumaholder. Considered slightly younger than our Michael, though she’s technically older than him due to surviving longer. Nicknames are okay as long as it’s something like Nessa or Ness, please don’t call her Vanny. Birthday- December 30, 2023.

That's all for now!

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello again!

Okay I'm just here for a chat (if thats okay) (i think you're lovely!)

There are some stuff about the show that really bother me you know... First of all in season 4 What Happens to John Watson.. like he is simply characterized by loyalty right it is who he is, then HOW does he cheat on Mary?! (Okay granted that his heart was elsewhere... ahem. But he's just not someone who would cheat)

Also i think Mary shouldn't be a villain... i know she possibly looks like it messes up Johnlock but i think its the opposite actually. I think John is bisexual and his love for her was real but she was basically a Sherlock substitute who looked like him (John)! Plus, she was there when he was at rock bottom so. But what doesn't make sense is her shooting Sherlock in the chest?! What's up with that!

Okay but the Weirdest part is in the last episode when Sherlock has to choose between John and Mycroft and finally choses to shoot himself... BOTH John and Mycroft do Nothing?? HOW

AAAAA the Last Season was SO much angst.. i think this fandom saved me <3

In my head It was love at first sight... and then slowly falling head over heels crazy in love with your best friend and all of it culminating in the most beautiful TV Romance.

(okay im sorry i think i ranted a bit)

Hi Lovely!

Inbox is always open for a chat (even if it takes me a long time to get to it, LOL), so no worries!

Let's address each of you things one by one:

What HAPPENS to John Watson – Your guess is as good as mine, Lovely, and it's a lot of the reason a lot of us can't take S4 seriously. It feels so OOC for John to cheat on Mary with ANY other woman, other than Sherlock (hence it being part of the Alibi theory, this part of it referencing SHERLOCK as being the one John is actually texting in the night), so many of us just don't think that S4 is what it appears to be on the surface. Of course, it could all just be a coping mechanism to deal with how dirty a beloved series did it's fandom, but we take what we can get, honestly.

As for villain Mary, I have to respectfully disagree, only because I believe that I think they were setting her up in S3 to BE a kickass antagonist for S4. Amanda ALSO thought they were going that route for a bit until (my speculation) things went sour with MF, AND they built up her character as a psychopath imho. Then they made her character attempt a piss-poor redemption arc that just... really soiled S4 for me because I firmly believe that John would have NEVER forgiven Mary for trying to kill Sherlock after seeing what it did to him the first time.

But to your point: John is bisexual, yes, but I don't think he's biromantic. I think he's homoromantic, and it's VERY played up in the series that this is the case: his blasé attitude about ALL his girlfriends, but pouncing around the close men in his life like a puppy? Heck, if Lestrade was single, I have NO doubt John would have taken his chances with him too, LOL. John is horny. That's literally the gist of it. He likes sex, he doesn't care what hole it goes in, just as long as he gets it. But I do think he forms VERY strong attachments to men in his life, and in turn he gets hurt, so he pretends he's not into men because it's "just easier" (you can read more posts about my and others' thoughts on John's sexuality here). He was with Mary because he was lonely, and Mary played him like a fiddle. She knew what John liked, and played that up. I believe it's even explicitly stated she knows what John likes. They only knew each other 6 months, CONVENIENTLY just before Sherlock was on his way back? Even ANDERSON picked up on Sherlock making his way back to London. I believe she was a Moriarty plant to see if John knew Sherlock was for-real dead, and she herself enjoyed the game and stealing and keeping John for herself away from Sherlock was part of that game upon the return. So yeah, I really have a hard time believing she OR John actually loved each other. I dunno, again, personal biases and readings of the series, apologies, LOL. I spent a LOT of time analysing Mary's character arc. But I WANTED her to be the big bad for S4, and it just... fizzled and died.

And finally, on your point about the weirdness of John nor Mycroft opting to stop Sherlock, yeah, have to agree with you there. TFP was a goddamned clustereff of WTF moments and mischaracterizations of literally every character on-screen. The only character NOT in character was Eurus and that's literally because they didn't know what to fucking do with her. TFP was so dumb. I have a hard time believing any of it actually happened the way it did on-screen. But yeah, S4 was a big disappointment for everyone including the actors. I think they only people who thought it was great was Mofftiss and that's because they love the smell of their own farts. I can't believe that they GENUINELY thought TFP was going to be Emmy-worthy (for those unaware, they initially planned to nominate TFP for the Emmy, and instead chose TLD, I believe, after the poor reception of TFP, and acted like they were always going to nominate TLD lol).

Anyway, yeah, it was full of angst, though my reasons for it are probably different than everyone else's, LOL. But the fandom IS fantastic, and that's why we stay here, and why I choose now to curate fandom content. Makes me happy, and keeps me out of drama, LOL.

Thank you so much for giving ME the opportunity to chat and rant! It's been so long since I've done mini meta, and posted my thoughts about everything. I like chatting.

Hope you're having a wonderful day, and sorry again for the delay! <3

[lansplaining]

I saw in the tags on the reading post you were finishing up Imperial Uncle and that you liked it. I was just considering reading it and wondered if you might elaborate on your thoughts!

absolutely!

it's only one volume, which is a nice change of pace, literally-- plot events actually, like. happen. i finished it in two days of not-frantic reading! also, despite being an imperial drama, it means there's actually a relatively contained cast of characters.

it's first person narration, which I don't generally like much, but I do think it works in this case because the plot is essentially "area man misunderstands his relationships to everyone he knows," so it helps to only have the protagonist's POV.

the writing style doesn't really have the liveliness of MXTX or Meatbun, and the romance is extremely staid. he kisses the red herring love interest more than he does the actual one, and they spend most of their time talking around each other while the protagonist doesn't realize they're flirting. it reminds me of fourteenth year of chenghua in that respect, and some of the style reminds me a bit of priest as well (but less annoying, to me).

protagonist Prince Huai/Jing Weiyi/Chengjun is a bisexual dumbass in his 30s who insists he accidentally turned himself gay because he was only pretending to be a cutsleeve to reassure his mistrustful royal relatives that he was harmless and had no imperial ambitions but then slept with men too much and now he actually likes them :( that's the only reason ok :( self awareness score of 0. beneath an incredibly thin veneer of cynicism is a romantic who just wants to do right by his nephew the emperor, have someone to spend his life with, and to have a sense of purpose. he also sleeps with a LOT of other people, including sex workers, which i know is something that some people dislike.

the two potential love interests are a morally upright courtier who he thinks would naturally never dare associate with someone with his bad reputation, and a dandyish son of one of the older courtiers who has tried to recruit Chengjun into his schemes to topple the emperor, and who is one of his best friends.

there are also a passel of very charming nephews/brothers to the emperor. there are... no women to speak of lol (except his wife at the very beginning, but. yeah. she goes away.)

the sample on peach flower house's website gives a pretty good sense of the writing style, but I will say that while I didn't like the writing style at first or really ever, it definitely grew on me and I got pretty invested in the characters and in wanting to know how the plot would turn out. it's definitely one you want to approach with your shen qingqiu "this narrator is a moron and nothing he says about himself or other people is very accurate" goggles on.

the only content warning that comes to mind besides some violence is fairly extensive depictions of sex work, several of which which clearly acknowledge that the sex workers are slaves and do not want to be doing this.