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semi-imaginary-place · 6 months

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FFXVI Rewrite

Read this in one long post

Read this in parts: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5 .

FFXVI Rewrite Part 1: Introduction, Prologue, and Return to Phoenix Gate

I decided to rewrite FFXIV and point out some of the game’s more glaring flaws, play with some ideas. In addition to plot changes and overhauling the lore, some of the general changes that should be made include tighter more efficient writing, fixing the pacing, and cutting most of the filler and fetch quests and focusing in on the main plot. There are a lot of words used to say a whole lot of nothing and it sounds nice because the voice actors do a good job but the dialogue lacks substance. At the same time players aren't given crucial story information in the main story leaving many important plot points under-explained to the point of audience confusion. I also want to improve character writing and develop inter-character relationships. For Jill as a character, It feels like the writers just forget about her. Not that Clive gets much good development either, he gets some in the first arc with Cid and then stagnates afterwards. And then the writers had the bad idea of starting a half assed character arc about Clive trying to do everything on his own at the same moment they take away Jill's agency and sideline her for the rest of the game.

FFXIV's prologue also acts as its demo, as such it is not only the first chapter to the story but also a piece of advertisement, and it is incredibly successful in being an advertisement. The FFXIV prologue is a hypebeast, it's a spectacle and one of the most exciting things I have seen in a long long time. However this strategy of front loading the game and making the best demo comes at the cost of later story and pacing. We don't get to see much of how 13 years of military slavery has affected Clive. The end confrontation between Ifrit and Phoenix means that Joshua re-entrance to the plot and his reunion with Clive must be pushed further back in the story. With the prologue FFXIV wrote itself into a corner and the story only continued to fall apart more the further the game progressed.

Such is the difference in medium between short form stories like the prologue, movies, OVAs, animated shorts, and so on, and long form stories like JRPGs, books, tv shows. That different format of stories makes different characteristics more successful in one over the other. Short form by nature must be compact and efficient, it is structured to be quickly complete both in story arc and emotional payoff. Long form is about the build, slowly weaving many things together, setting things up early to pay them off later. When you apply the strategy and mindset of one form of story to another, it tends to fail. Take BBC's Sherlock which attempted to use short form format for a longer series, this is why the first few episodes are quite good but as the series goes off the story falls apart, you all these teasing plot threads that go nowhere because the whole show is written like it’s a one off. The problem with FFXVI is that it tried to have its one shot and then attach a full game to it, and that can work but in XVI's case it made a lot of the story beats in the first half of the game clunky. A common problem with the buildup strategy is that instead the beginning of a story can end up slow and boring, the anime Tatami Galaxy is an example in that when it all comes together at the end its great but the beginning is real slow. So I started thinking about how to fix these problem and rewrite FFXIV and sadly I cannot think of a solution that does not cause additional problems.

Starting the game with Phoenix vs. Ifrit in the Fallen ruins is fine but have the first chapter of the game follow Clive's day to day life as a slave to the imperial army. Make it dull, strip him of dignity, make it bleak, make it miserable. Interspersed with the bleak reality of his life are snippets of the joy and liveliness color of Clive and Joshua's childhood telling the events leading up to Phoenix Gate. Through these two stories establish the setting, the nations, the politics, the balance of powers of Valisthea. The game already does a good job of establishing Joshua and Clive's relationship so all that is added here is the contrast between the lively teenager Clive was with the worn-down man he is now. At the end of Chapter 1 Phoenix Gate happens, and Clive wakes up still an assassin, still a Branded, still fighting a war with a knife at his throat, still not having achieved his revenge.

The game handles timeskips poorly, neither the 13 year nor the 5 year timeskips feel that long, time doesn't feel like it is passing during those times. Very little changes during the 5 year timeskip from the relationships to the politics to the characters as people. I'm shortening the timeskip from 13 years to 10 years which makes Clive 25, Joshua 20, and Jill likely somewhere in between. I'm doing this because it never felt like 13 years to begin with and to better explain Joshua's lack of involvement in those years. Joshua probably took a year or two to become a functional person again after his mother betrayed his nation, killed his father, and his dear older brother tried to kill him. Afterwards he's still just a kid what can he do and I think it takes him years of introspection and research into eikon and Ultima to come to reconcile a berserk Ifrit mauling him with his loving brother Clive. At 20 Joshua is only now capable enough, knowledgeable enough, powerful enough, and mature enough, to try and save Clive. To make it more interesting Joshua on some level still fears Clive and Joshua feels immense guilt over this and that he hasn't saved Clive earlier. This nicely ties into the themes of guilt and justice present in other characters often over those they could not save, like Clive, Dion, Harpocrates, Jill, Otto, Theodore, Isabelle, Quinten, etc.

I'm cutting out most of that mysterious hooded figure in Clive's head, it’s just confusing and it adds nothing Just have like a shadowy figure with glowing blue eyes and keep the glowing blue eyes be a consistent part of Ultima's every character design or something.

Beginning of Chapter 2 is where the original game starts with Clive on a mission to assassinate Shiva. Now because of a different Chapter 1 the round table scene actually makes sense because the player knows who these factions are. In my rewrite however not only is Cid looking to interfere, Joshua is using this as an opportunity to free Clive as well from afar. Throughout Chapter 1 build up Clive's discontentment as he remembers his past, so that in Chapter 2 Clive isn't just committing mutiny because he maybe saw his childhood friend, he was already planning on leaving and that he's not killing a single person more for Sanbreque and Jill is the last straw. Also have Jill represent an act of free will and also all his yet unfinished business. The drawn-out Chapter 1 also allows Clive's assassination unit to be humanized to drive home the brutality of his life and the injustice of the Branded system. If he's going to fight Clive is going to fight because he chooses to not because he's part of the same war machine that occupied his home and branded him. Instead of Cid it is Joshua that saves Clive and secures his retreat although Joshua keeps himself hidden from both Clive and the audience not ready to face Clive and using a nondescript flame. It is as Clive is running and encountering more Ironblood that he runs into Cid.

One thing that should have been explained better was Clive's status as a Bearer. During the prologue and during his childhood we see no hint of Clive being a Bearer, it is only after being enslaved by the Sabrequois army that he receives a Brand. It is strongly established and mentioned many times that one is born a Bearer. Which raises the question, was Clive ever a Bearer? I also wonder what the mechanics/magical physics difference there is between a Dominant and a Bearer, it seems to be that there is little objective difference as both are magic users without a need of crystals. Instead "Bearer" is a class term as Dominants are too militarily/culturally important to be branded. This also implies that Rosaria is a holdover of the older magocracy that used to rule Valisthea. I suspect that although he was a hidden Dominant Clive would never have been considered a Bearer especially since the Active Time Lore states that it’s common practice in Valisthea to test babies at birth for being Bearers. Rosaria and Archduke Elwin seemed more tolerant so maybe he wasn’t tested but I think it is more likely he just wasn’t born a Bearer. This would help to explain Clive's behavior in the game, he might have been branded but he never really acts like he sees himself as a Bearer. If the Bearer test just tested for magic Clive’s Dominant status might have caught him, but it is even more likely that either Anabella had him branded just to make his life even more miserable or that the imperial army didn't care that his fire magic was from The Blessing of the Phoenix as the First Shield of Rosaria, Clive could use magic thus he was a Bearer, they certainly didn't care. I wish the game had added a line or two about this to clarify the situation.

Which brings us to the next question I had about the game, how eikons and transfers of eikonic power worked. The game establishes that both eikonic power can be shared (Joshua and Clive, Barnabas and Sleipnir) but also that power shared means the Dominant will die or go berserk if they prime (Jill, Hugo, Dion (although he didn't go berserk either)). The game is wildly inconsistent about the mechanics so I'm going to overhaul this all so that there's some internal logic. First change is that sharing eikon power is not a death sentence for the Dominant but it does weaken them. Honestly this was just done as an excuse to take away Jill's ability to fight and be an active character and I will always resent this (doesn't even make sense since Dion does it anyways), and Torgal could absorb eikonic aether just fine. Dominants can usually share their power with one person though many choose not to for various reasons, I'm going to call these people who share power with Dominants "Vassals". A line should be added in-game about how it is Rosarian tradition for the First Shield to receive the Phoenix's fire and be their Vassal because that's a little detail we were missing and players only learn about this by reading the Active Time Lore. Although this is complicated by Clive being Ifirt's Dominant and Phoenix's other half so Clive isn't quite actually Phoenix's Vassal it's more complicated than that. Leviathan doesn't have a Vassal because their Dominant went rogue. Jill does not share her power until after she has come to terms with her past and realized that she does not have to shoulder her burdens alone that she shares her power with Clive. Cid wants humanity to be independent of magic so I can understand why he didn't share Ramuh's power (if it was anyone it'd probably be Dorys except that the cursebreakers seem to have formed because of the destruction of the original Hideaway). Due to changes in Waloed's writing Barnabas inspires actual loyalty in his soldiers and Sleipnir is his vassal. Another change I am making is that Terrance is Dion's Vassal in this rewrite. Benedrikta and Hugo both love their own power so they aren't sharing with anyone.

As per an overhaul to the Waloed section later, Benedrikta's characterization is altered so that power is her primary motivation. Her desire for Cid's love remains and it is tied to her desire for power but Cid is no longer her primary motivation. I'm not sure what to do with her. I think her having a breakdown and going berserk could still happen even with the lore changesjust because of the emotional stress. Benedrikta staked a lot of her identity and self-worth on her power and Clive defeating her ripped that all away from her. In addition, this is the first time Clive unknowingly absorbs an eikon so that could have affected her ability to summon Garuda, add to this the threat of being raped by bandits and sold as a slave and I’d say that’s enough for most people to go berserk. Another idea is that the Garuda fight happens because Benedrikta decides to hunt Clive down because she cannot live with the dishonor of losing to some no name Branded and she would rather die giving it her all than lived and lost.

Clive's fights against Benedrikta and his traversal of the Fallen ruins of Phoenix Gate happen mostly the same. This part of the game of pretty good so I see little reason to change it, Clive struggles with the realization and crushing guilt that he is the Dominant of Ifrit, he was the one that killed Joshua and all the people of Phoenix Gate, and how in his quest for vengeance he has been unknowingly chasing his own shadow the entire time. In the dungeon scene Clive can keep his underwear, and afterwards Cid, Jill, and Clive and discuss eikons, how odd it is more Ifrit to exist, the other mysterious Dominant of Fire that they are chasing.

With Clive's acceptance we are switching PoV to a Joshua playable section as he seeks to stop the end of the world, setting up Ultima as well as the worldbuilding and mechanics of aether and eikons. This part is optional I like the idea of it but I don't know if I like the idea so much as to include it. These will be a series of short playable segments as Joshua explores ruins and tries to piece together, aether, eikons, history, Ultima, Mothercrystals, Bearers, Dominants, and why the world is hurtling towards disaster. This is also to set up the red herring of how the Mothercrystals might be feeding Ultima so that when Joshua rejoins the party he will corroborate Cid's hypothesis.

FFXVI Rewrite Part 2: Jill, Clive, and Joshua, Changing the Timeline

I want to continue Jill's established character as someone who gave up everything from her dignity to her morals to protect the women of Rosaria. She too is being crushed under the weight of her guilt of what she did under the Ironblood but she would still be determined to protect the people she had sworn to protect. While Clive is running around chasing Joshua and coming to terms with himself, Jill is plotting a rescue effort to Iron. This then comes to an intersection with Cid's plans to destroy the Mothercrystals. For Clive, he has just seen first hand what a decade under imperial rule has done to Rosaria, he sees its people standing up for their nation, and so him contacting his uncle Byron isn't only reconnecting with the only family he has left, it’s not only about stopping the Blights, it's about Rosaria and reclaiming for Rosarians the lives and freedom they had lost. I also do want to add to this section a quest where Cid tests and confirms that crystals are leeching aether from the land and causing Blight. Clive and Jill can also open up and bond over their shared crushing guilt. Both of them have killed large amounts of people with their eikons (though more deliberately in Jill's case), both of them of have been exploited as tools of war by their conquerors/captors. So while Clive is running around, at some parts Jill is pursuing her own agenda.

The next chapter is the assault on Iron and emancipation of the Rosarian women at Drake’s Breath. Clive is still the player character; it is plot important that Joshua and Clive are the only playable characters because Ifrit and Phoenix were once one eikon. However, while Clive might be the player and perspective character, Jill is the main character for this section, her actions drive the plot here. The party splits with Jill securing an escape route for the women with Torgal while Cid and Clive cut a path for the Mothercrystal and cause a distraction for Jill. They meet back up at the Drake’s Breath and Jill kills the priests like she deserves. During the boss fight Clive has to run around stabilizing the area and escape route while fighting off minor enemies while Jill fights the boss in the background. Additionally, Jill is the one to strike and break the Mothercrystal. Iron makes better sense at a first assault because the main power struggle in the game is between Dhalmek and Sanbreque, with Waloed waiting for a hint of weakness in Storm. Meanwhile Iron is more of a side player and so their weakening does not affect Valisthea's power balance as much as going after any of the other Mother Crystals. Jill reminds me of one of those bulls that been raised in iron shackles, the adult bull is more than strong enough to break free but because it was too weak to do so when it was younger, it stopped trying. Likewise, Jill's shackles are not of iron but they bind her all the tighter and this arc is about her breaking free and remembering that she is powerful both literally and metaphorically.

I'm changing the Mothercrystal lore in the game. Ultima came into conflict with the dragons in ancient times. In a last bid to stop Ultima, the Eldest Dragon shattered their body into the Mothercrystals to act as a seal on Ultima. The Mothercrystals drain aether from the land in order to power the seal on Ultima, but as the land is running out of aether the seals are weakening. The Blight was an unforeseen side effect of the seals. When Ultima breaks free, they then repurpose the accumulated aether from the crystals to power to their world creation spell. There used to be 8 Mothercrystals total. Now there are just 5: Drake's Breath in the Iron, Drake's Head in Sanbreque, Drake's Fang in Dhalmek, Drake's Tail in Crystalline, Drake's Spine in Waloed. Even on the map on the official FFXVI website other unknown structures can be seen in central Ash for example, 3 Mothercrystals have been lost to time. The Ten Thousand Tomes confirms Dzemekys Falls is the former location of a Mothercrystal, Drake’s Eye in the Northern Territories, Drake’s Horn in Southern Ash. The relatively recent fall of Drake’s Eye in addition to the spread of the Blight is what drove the Northern incursions into Rosaria, resource scarcity driven conflict, the exact same conditions that Elwin used to justify his proposed invasion. For Dzemekys I’m keeping that humanity angered Ultima and were smote but I’m changing that it was a Mothercrystal and changing the location of the last Mothercrystal (Drake's Wing? Drake's Claw?) to perhaps eastern Ash, islands off the coast of Ash, or central Storm near where the original Hideaway was.

When Drake's Breath is destroyed the first of the seals on Ultima is released and the beginning of the doomsday apocalyptic phenomena start happening although slightly differently in this rewrite. First is the activation of Fallen ruins, second the activation of the robots, third the wraiths, fourth more and stronger fallen and aether creatures as well as the beginning of aetherfloods. Then finally when the 5th and final Mothercrystal is destroyed and the final seal broken, all hell breaks loose and the apocalypse is unleashed upon Valisthea, aetheric storms cloud the skies and aetherfloods spread across the lands. Unlike in the game where the sky changes and the aetherfloods appear after the 4th Mothercrystal (Twinside), here the changes happen after the 5th (Waloed).

Like in the actual game when the First Mothercrystal's heart is destroyed, a portal opens with a partial Ultima that the party fights. As the party is overpowered but before Cid can go sacrifice himself, Joshua intervenes saving them but is unable to kill Ultima. I am dropping Joshua sealing part of Ultima inside himself because that had no effect on the story, that plot thread went no where in the end. Joshua as well as the Rosarian women are returned to Rosaria where they are reunited with their families, Joshua and Byron included though Joshua hides from the other Rosarians. This furthers the Rosaria subplot we seen in the game with Martha and Eastpool and the Guardians of the Flame.

A change I am contemplating is reinstating a party system into this story. This game doesn't feel JRPG enough, where's my party system? These would be AI controlled characters but players would be able to choose how many characters besides Clive are active at once with a maximum of 3. Some characters will be unavailable for certain parts of the game like Jote would not be available for eikon fights. Clive is your classic JRPG sword boy the main damage dealer. Jill is the true all-rounder with physical and magic attacks. Joshua is the healer and he's like wet tissue, he has decent magic. Jote is the tank with some support abilities but little offense. Cid is another damage dealer with big hits. Torgal is the only character that can't be incapacitated, he attacks, he heals, but most importantly he's a good boy (unlocks magic later in the game). I never said the party was balanced. Or maybe not, implementing this would be a pain as FFXVI isn't character focused so explaining why party members aren't there sounds annoying.

In this story the brothers are reunited much earlier so that their relationship can develop. Clive and Joshua's relationship is the core of the game The game starts and ends with them. Their relationship is what kicks off the plot of the game from Ifrit berserking to Clive seeking revenge unknowingly against himself. They are plot critical with plot critical powers, that Ifrit and Phoenix are the eikon of Fire split into two beings and the intended vessel to cast Ultima. And yet despite the relationship being at the center of the game, so little is done with them. Joshua is away for most of the game with Clive not knowing he survived and after they are reunited nothing is done with them. The earlier reunion gives time for Joshua and Clive to reacquaint themselves with each other. The last time Clive saw Joshua he was a 10 year old boy, the Joshua before him now is a man and in many ways a stranger. Clive never got to be there as Joshua grew from boy to man, he will have forever missed that part of his brother's life. And not only did Clive think he has lost Joshua, he thought that he was the one who killed him. The same murder against whom his quest for vengeance has been his sole reason for living for the last decade.

Another reason for the added time before the timeskip is to develop Jill and her relationships. Jill is also weighed down by massive guilt over the things she has done for Iron. Before Drake's Breath she is much more closed off and her arc with Clive is mostly about lost childhood friends because just like Joshua she and Clive are now very different and very traumatized. So pre-Drake's Breath it is about stumbling when this didn't before because they don't fit together like they used to and learning to reacquaint themselves with each other. After Iron, Jill finds closure in dealing a massive blow to Iron, killing the zealot who tortured her and enslaved the Rosarians, and freeing the enslaved Rosarians. She begins to open up after this and bonds with Clive over their shared experiences. In many ways during the missing years Jill and Clive's experiences have been similar though Jill's have been worse. Both were kidnapped as children and enslaved as weapons of war, forced to fight for the very people who enacted violence against them. To both their masters Jill and Clive were expendable tools to be exploited until no more use could be squeezed out of them and they died of overwork. Both of them see themselves as monsters over the many deaths they have caused as Dominants. The difference being that Clive fought to stay alive so that he could complete his revenge against Ifrit while Jill fought in what was probably a futile effort to protect the Rosarian women and children she had sworn to take under her wing. Jill also killed on a much larger scale in eikon battles and was likely treated worse given she was given no armor or equipment and her clothes were in tatters. Clive and Jill were also treated as subhuman by their oppressors. For a decade Jill shouldered the role of protector and champion all on her own, but through Clive and Joshua and most importantly Cid she comes to terms that she need not fight on her own, and with that realization she makes Clive her Vassal because together they can do more than each would have done alone. So before the timeskip Clive gets Phoenix as a teenager, Ifrit when he returns to Phoenix Gate, Garuda after defeating Benedrikta, Leviathan after proving himself worthy to its Dominant, and Ramuh at Drake’s Head as Cid’s dying wish. One place to put Shiva would be at the end of the first part of Jill’s arc here during the lead up to Leviathan, but there’s another place I am considering.

The next arc I am completely making up because not having Leviathan in the game throws off the elemental balance on a meta level and having all 8 would be significant in Gnosticism. Joshua is following a lead on someone who might know of Ultima, the Dominant of Leviathan and semi-rogue champion of the Crystalline Dominion. I am making this arc for several reasons. The unexplained absence of Leviathan/Dominant of Water while also establishing 8 eikons and elements was always strange, why bothering establishing 8 elements and corresponding eikons if its never explained what happened to Leviathan, and Leviathan is a classic Final Fantasy staple so it's strange that it is missing. I also always found the Crystal Dominion's neutral zone reasoning to be a bit weak, for example in real life Switzerland has a reputation of neutrality because of its difficult geography and history of shooting down all aircraft regardless of affiliation, there has to be something to back up the Crystaline Dominion because just crystal export. Giving them a Dominant gives them the military power to back up their sovereignty, and their Dominant flying the coop also significantly weakens their position and further explains Sanbreque's later invasion. Leviathan's Dominant of Water is hanging out in the Southern Isles fighting sea monsters for fun and so this offers the opportunity to introduce Cid as a master engineer as well as introduce Mid and the Enterprise. The game never establishes Cid as an engineer, we only hear about it after he's dead from Mid and that is such awkward storytelling as well as a missed opportunity. The build up to Leviathan is Joshua tracking down the precise location while Cid and Mid build the Enterprsie together. We only meet Mid after the timeskip in the actual game and we don't know how old she is. Aso, she's adopted so getting the ages just right isn't that important, and kid genius is already an established character archetype so what's one more. This would necessitate a younger model for Mid but I think it is worth it. In this story Mid builds the seaship the Enterprise here with Cid to create a callback in the final arc when she builds an airship of the same name this time without her dad. Leviathan's Dominant couldn't stand the Crystalline Dominion but is the opposite of cooperative and things escalate to a fight with Clive at severe disadvantage since priming puts the ship in danger of burning and sinking. I'm not a fight choreographer I don't know maybe they evaporate all the water in a shallow sea and then beat up Leviathan. However, she would rather die than stand down, but as she dies she spits they are fools if they think getting rid of crystals will solve all their problems. With Leviathan’s fall, Twinsides’ position weakens as they can no longer pretend to have the protection of an eikon.

Next is Oriflamme and Drake's Head, things happen similarly to in the game with Sanbreque breaking treaty to invade the Crystalline Dominion and abandon Oriflamme. This is Ultima's second appearance as another of their seals is released and they grow in power. Stronger now Ultima makes a bid to take possession of Clive and Ultima, once again he is stopped but this time at the expense of Cid. Cid dies later in this story than in the actual game because he's a great character and I wanted more time with him, to build his relationship with Mid, to show his engineering prowess instead of just being told. Since Joshua joins earlier in this story the more time allows Cid to help mentor Joshua too, in reckoning with his father's dream and legacy and how despite Rosaria falling, Joshua can honor his father's work by helping the Hideaway and Bearers. This extra time before the timeskip has also allowed Clive and Joshua to reconcile with each other. They have each lived 10 years apart from each other with only their memories, they are both changed men and it would have taken time to reconcile the old and the new and form a new relationship. The sovereignty of Rosaria is no more, both of them are nameless outlaws out against the world, and they have both seen much of the world. The children they were no longer exist and now they have to stumble through all that together.

In the game, the 5 year timeskip was mostly pointless, it had very little effect on anything, so little changed that a lot of things felt frozen in time. Thus, I am greatly reducing the timeskip to about 6-12 months. The expansion of the pre-timeskip period was partly to establish Clive's major relationships like Jill and Joshua so then when the timeskip happened change could be seen. In this story whereas before the timeskip those relationships were just starting and we see the first few steps of development, after the timeskip they have solidified, Clive has settled into the new Jill and the new Joshua. Removing the 5 year timeskip also removes Joshua's inexplicable avoidance of Clive which happens in the original game. So sorry no dilf 30 something Clive, or at least not in the main story. Clive is about 26 by this point. Despite aging the characters down especially after the timeskip I think the story still works partly because most of the characters are adults already but primarily because the amount of trauma and hardship these characters have gone through would have aged them.

FFXVI Rewrite Part 3: Rosalith, Dhalmek, and Twinsides

Hugo Kupka's destruction of Rosalith happens mostly the same as in the actual game. It is the parts before that have slight changes as the Rosalith storyline was developed a further by this point in story. The original game never goes all the way to do anything with the Rosalith situation. The game establishes that despite the many long years, people still hold Elwin's reign as a golden age and have rallied around the symbol of the Rosfield Archduke as a symbol for all they have lost. The subplot I want continues what is already in the game with Rosarians rallying with this attack and then later with the further erosion of the Empire of Sanbreque. They take Elwin as the symbol not that Rosaria is the Phoenix or Archduke but take his philosophy to heart that it is Rosarians that make up Rosaria. So as Sanbreque falls apart after the destruction of Drake's Tail, Rosaria revolts and takes control of its own borders, setting up its own defenses against Akasha in the absence of imperial soldiers. Of the nations shown in the game Rosaria seems like the most receptive to Cid's ideologies so in the game I would have like to see a closer working relationship between the Hideaway and Rosarians, like real progress being made, especially after the timeskip and Hugo's death. There was also a real missed opportunity in the actual game with Clive here in not making something of the fact that the invasion of Rosalith is the first time in over 18 years that Clive has been back to his hometown (that we know of). Does he feel guilty or responsible for their suffering under Sanbreque and now Kupka? In this rewrite, this moment means something to Clive, Joshua, and Jill. For Clive and Joshua this is the moment they can no longer look away from Rosaria, they cannot out run their pasts or its people, even if it’s from the shadows they will fight for Rosaria's people.

Having Jill be inexplicably unable to resist Kupka who she fought on equal grounds with during the start of the original game, was extremely contrived and a terrible blow to her agency as a character, it was done for the sole reason of making it a plot point that she needed to be saved. I don't see why they couldn't have fought there and skipped the whole dungeon and rescue the damsel section. Even better since Kupka's goal is to have Clive watch his loved ones die, have Kupka ambush and capture Clive first since Clive is the bigger threat and it works for Jill's character since it is established that she will surrender to save another even when she is strong enough to save herself just like she did with Iron. Really the original scene would have been fine if they're framed it differently as a well coordinated surprise attack immediately putting eikon suppressors on Jill or had her prime only to be outnumbered by a unwearied Kupka and battalion. I haven't quite decided what to do with Joshua here, I think he would stay with Clive so perhaps as bad as his health is he did less fighting, stayed to the sidelines, and slipped away with Gav. I do like the idea that Clive doesn't fight Kupka alone and that Jill beats Kupka up too. In the original game it should have been Jill since Joshua hadn't joined yet but here Joshua got to know Cid too. With everyone exhausted from the battle Sleipnir can fend off a tired Jill.

I also think the Invasion of Rosalith is a good place for the conclusion of the next piece of Jill's established character, that she was taken as a child from her family and kept as a political prisoner in Rosaria with the possibility of being shoved into a marriage alliance with a Rosfield. In the original game no one would ever know that she isn't originally Rosarian because the game never does anything with this aspect of her backstory. Really except for one line in a end game quest with a lot of requirements, there is no hint of greater complexity to her childhood. Jill was wasted on FFXVI. Jill should be allowed to resent Rosaria and Elwin who took from her the sovereignty of her nation, her family, her people, her future, her political power. So how to reconcile what Rosaria did to Jill with the Jill willing to give up everything to protect Rosarians? One way to revolve this is for Jill and us to not treat this as a problem of factions and retribution but of justice and protection. Jill sided with the Rosarians because even if they had invaded others they did not deserve to be invaded and enslaved, no one deserved to be invaded and enslaved. This is a question of universal justice not of nations or politics. This poses Jill as somewhat as a savior which complements her in game actions, Jill's goals are to stand against injustice, protect the weak, and fight for those who cannot. This also aligns Jill's goals with Cid's ideology and provides reasoning for why she's committed to Cid's and the Bearer's cause. This also sets up Jill and Clive as foils in that both are pursuing ideals of justice but Clive is focused on revenge and punishment and Jill is focused on protection of the weak. These themes of justice are developed as early as the Rosaria sections of the game but are brought together here. While justice played a part, Jill protecting the Rosarian women was also probably a coping mechanism, doing so gave her a role and a reason to live. Seeing Kupka's invasion reminds her on the Ironblood invasion of Rosalith 11 years ago and of Rosaria's invasion of her homeland though she was too young to understand it. And in seeing the violence, her belief is cemented in the commonality of humanity, that all people are deserving of justice, and that no one should be invaded or enslaved.

Jill seeking universal human rights and justice regardless of faction also puts her at an interesting contrast to much of Valisthea which widely xenophobic. In the actual game Clive got absurdly lucky pre-timeskip that he met Cid and his network, friends of friends of friends who all want to help him and let him into the network. He’s out here collecting pokemon badges and those badges really do make the difference between night and day. Clive would have gotten nowhere without Cid and his network or network of favors. Part of it is the widespread and open bigotry against bearers but a lot of the towns just hate anyone who isn't a local in general. I find it interesting how local politics and the favor of local leaders (the tokens) are more powerful than many townspeople's bigotry against bearers. And then Jill through her character arc here begins seeing beyond all this to the greater picture.

I’ll be honest I forgot that in the actual game there was a section where Clive couldn’t summon Ifrit because he could still use the Ifrit abilities in gameplay so this really only affected cutscenes and really this had little plot impact since the writers didn’t want to ever portray Clive as weak or helpless so I only remembered that this happened at all when I read through my notes. That would be one change I’d make to the game, during the Ifrit-less section don’t allow Clive to use any of Ifrit’s abilities or maybe not any of the eikon abilities so that the players can experience what it means to live on stripped of a power you once had. Let’s say that Ultima’s possession attempt partially succeeded at the confrontation at Drake’s Head, taking away Clive’s ability to prime and leaving him helpless and Clive being powerless was why Cid felt the need to step up and defend him even if it cost him his life. This also better explains the power dynamics in the Rosalith invasion rewrite since Jill is the actual powerhouse during this confrontation because Clive can’t prime. Here Clive really is once again playing back up to Jill while she fights and he would love that.

In the actual game Clive gets a mini character arc later on about how he’s been pushing himself too hard, sacrificing himself too much, and been trying to do too much by himself and its poorly done and comes off as cheap especially since this is the same point in the plot where Jill gets permanently sidelined and Clive immediately goes off to continue doing things on his own. If there was any place to do that it would be here in the Dhalmek arc, about accepting that weakness isn’t failure, that relying on others isn’t weakness, that no one can no it alone, and that we are all stronger together. If Clive is going to regain Ifrit here it is only going to be through Jill, Joshua, and all the friends he has made along the way. This is the other point at which I was consider having Clive gain Shiva’s power in a literal case of regaining his power through his friends to parallel his emotional growth, in that the addition of Shiva and maybe a little help from Phoenix is what jumpstarts Ifrit and allows Clive to once again prime. It is only through Clive accepting his own helplessness and the help of others that he regains his power, the power to help them in turn.

The next arc is the Dhalmekian infiltration to kill Hugo Kupka which turns into also destroying Drake's Head. Aiming for Dhalmek's Mothercrystal instead of Waloed's is a terrible political decision as it radically changes the power balance of the region, making Sanbreque the only major player left on Storm. In this rewrite this is a purposeful mistake to contrast the more calculated, wiser, and more strategic choices my Cid to Clive's more thoughtless choices. This is Clive's first Mothercrystal without Cid. Jill will also be priming and fighting Titan Lost because she deserves more action time, having her be in recovery after would explain her absence in the next eikon fight, and because Jill has as much a bone to pick with Kupka as Clive does. Ultima doesn’t show up here since they’ve figured out the party is destroying the Mothercrystals and that only helps them.

In the lead up to Twinsides there is still a bit of Mid's ship adventures though less than before since her arc will be concluded at Origin. I like the idea of the Mid section but its execution was slow and painful. the idea was to characterize Mid and give her closure over the death of her father after all she has had to lose her father not once but twice in her short life. However, in this rewrite Mid was introduced before the timeskip and the Enterprise already built with Cid, so here Mid is struggling with what to do now and through the efforts of Clive and the rest of the Hideaway they inspire her to seriously look into a pipedream she had daydreamed about with her father, that of airships. Mid comes to realize that Cid's legacy isn't one concrete thing, it isn't the Enterprise, its all the people of the Hideaway, its every Bearer they've helped, Mid realizes that Cid's legacy is also her and so she shouldn't be afraid of changing the Enterprise because using the Enterprise as a platform for new technological innovation is exactly what Cid would have wanted.

A major lore change is that the Fallen weren’t modern humans like the party created by ultima and gained sentience after ultima went to sleep, in this story the Fallen were the society ultima was a part of. The lead up will also include more Ultima archeology and history with Joshua as the party seeks to understand why the Fallen ruins have awoken and become aggressive with aether wraiths. They find writings that tie Greagor to Ultima as well as research into transforming draconic aether into eikons.

I rather like the Twinside arc, it helps that the lead up includes the most political intrigue in the game which I think the game could use more of, and that this section focuses on Dion arguably the best written character of the game. Maybe some earlier scenes in the game with Terrance and Dion discussing the geopolitics of Valisthea, Terrance badly need any characterization. The Bahamut fight is also my favorite fight in the game so I would mostly like to keep it the same. The only thing I’d change here would be changing Zettaflare to like Exaflare or something, keep the attack the same but change the name, Bahamut isn’t even the final boss it doesn’t deserve something that should be as plot central as Zettaflare. The first major change is that since Joshua will be a party member through the Twinside section, it will be made to shown how Clive and Joshua's relationship has changed. Joshua is also the one to know Dion, in the game Clive was ready to leave him for dead, so Joshua will play a prominent role is this arc between Dion and the Mothercrystal being central plot elements here. The brothers are in need of some more heart to hearts. So far their relationship development has been about them reacquainting themselves with each other after a decade apart but now they can move towards true friendship and brotherhood. And so, this emotional connection strengthened here parallels the fusion of Phoenix and Ifrit into Ifrit Prime in the Bahamut fight, the emotional narrative and plot enhance each other. I would like Clive and Joshua to begin confiding in each other and understanding the guilt and burdens the other carries.

Clive and Joshua have such an interesting dynamic and it’s a shame the game sets up something so interesting only to do nothing with it. Clive and Joshua are both very similar and very different and act as character foils to each other. Their personalities are wildly different but their goals and burdens are very similar. Even from childhood the two brothers are tied together by strong mutual admiration and jealousy. Joshua thinks the world of his older brother, that Clive is the coolest, Clive is strong and brave and everything Joshua is not. He thinks Clive is more deserving of Phoenix and Dukedom because everything Clive has he earned of his own merit. Joshua has the open affection and love of both their parents, Joshua is the one that is doted on and cared for. Clive loves Joshua, but Joshua is also a reminder that he's been passed over as firstborn because he does not have Phoenix. Clive loves his brother but their relationship is not only that. Joshua is the lord his has sworn his life to serve and protect so their bond is not only that of brothers but of lord and knight, and this is one of Clive's core motivations throughout the game. In the actual game too, we see that Joshua has thar exact same core motivation as Clive, throughout the game his main goal is to protect Clive from Ultima's machinations.

In this rewrite as a furthering of the themes of guilt I am adding a further parallel. We see in the actual game that Clive is crushed under the weight of his guilt because he thinks Ifrit killed Phoenix at Phoenix Gate, in the dungeon cell he begs Cid to kill him because he cannot live with it, the whole story arc leading up to Clive gaining control over Ifrit deals with this. I do like how through the game Clive learns of even more people he's killed like Lord Commander Murdoch trained him and taught Clive what it meant to be a Shield of Rosaria, he might even think he killed his father since they separated before that point and everything was incinerated. Unlike in the game, here Clive isn't magically over it even after he comes to terms with being Ifrit's dominant and going berserk. To parallel Joshua is weighed by a lot of guil. Joshua on some level still carries the trauma of Phoenix Gate which included the beheading of his father as he tried to protect Joshua, the betrayal of the nation to be his responsibility at the hands of his mother, and his brother going berserk and almost killing him. Joshua feels responsible for his father's death. Joshua feels responsible for Phoenix gate. Joshua feels guilt over his abandonment of Rosaria in favor of pursuing Ultima and protecting Clive. Lastly without the the special regenerative abilities of Phoenix anyone else Dominant or no would have died, and that first death experience never left Joshua, on some level he is still afraid of Clive and Joshua hates that part of himself and feels immense guilt over it, blaming himself for not saving Clive from the Sanbreque army sooner. In this new timeline Joshua is about 20 here so most of this really is just in his head because what was some kid going to do against the Sanbreque Empire.

As mentioned previously, in this version of events the apocalypse with the eternal dark sky and the aetherfloods do not begin with the fall of Drake’s Tail, the 4th Mothercrystal, instead the fall of Drake’s Tail has a lesser effect with an increased number and appearance of stronger Fallen enemies and aetheric enemies (wraiths, etc.) as well as more recorded aetheric instability. Like in the original game Twinsides wipes Joshua out for like a month, that fight likely did permanent damage to him and his health suffers for it.

FFXVI Rewrite Part 4: Overhauling Waloed and Barnabas

I was dissatisfied with Anabella's character in the original game. She's built up as this greater antagonist on par with Barnabas and implied to have a connection to Ultima and the greater working of the plot and then all this comes to nothing as Ultima has possessed Olivier and is the actual mastermind. Additionally, Anabella highly parallels Ultima as they are both the demiurges of Gnosticism, evil and controlling creator figures that see their creations as wholly belonging to and existing for their sake. To Ultima and Anabella their creations are not independent of them, their creations/children should have no independent will, they are the ones who make decisions and their creations obey. This like all the themes in FFXVI is underdeveloped and I intend to change that by deepening the themes of free will, creation and creator, master and slave, existence before essence, and the weight of choice.

In this rewrite I'm going to keep Anabella just as reprehensible and classist as she is in the actual game but I'm going to give her more agency as a character and this is where things really change. Here Olivier has not been possessed, Anabella think him Greagor a god incarnate and convinces the Emperor but he's really just a spoiled dependent boy. In the scene where Dion goes berserk it is Anabella that triggers it not Ultima. Anabella goads him and Olivier not really knowing or caring what is going on but of course his mother is always right joins in and goes a step further. Dion kills his father just like Anabella plans and as she plays victim screaming that he's a kinslayer she hurls an Ultima imbued shard of the Mothercrystal at Dion. The crystal connects Dion with the Mothercrystal and floods him with aether with combined with his instability causes him to go berserk. As the city burns there's a scene of Anabella riding off in a carriage holding Olivier and smirking. Then Phoenix flies overhead locked in battle and we see Anabella falter as she stares up at Phoenix.

During the first week of the game’s release, I was speculating whether Anabella was Clive's biological mother at all (or if Elwin was Joshua’s father) given the strange and tense family dynamics of the Rosfields as well as how dissimilar Clive and Anabella look. However, since finishing the game and coming to understand that Anabella was designed as a foil character to Ultima, it does make more sense that Clive is her biological son. For both Ultima and Anabella Clive is their failed creation, the one that went astray. They are both interpretations of the Demiurge which in Gnosticism is the creator of the material world, the material world being fake and an evil prison to keep people from the true holy spiritual world, so the Demiurge is the evil controlling god trying to keep humans from true existence. In this rewrite I want to enhance the existing themes in the game from its Gnostic symbolism, to that of the relationships between creator and creator, master and slave. Making clear that Clive is Anabella’s son enhances these themes. Anabella doesn’t hate Clive because Elwin cheated on her and is forcing her see proof of their unequal status and powerlessness every day, Anabella hates Clive because she feels she owns him as his mother and that he has failed her arbitrary and impossible expectations by daring first to not manifest the Phoenix and then to dare have positive attributes and overshadow her younger son who did manifest the Phoenix. Anabella hates Clive for incredibly stupid, self-centered, and petty reasons.

Now comes the hard part where I break the original FFXVI’s plot across my knee and throw the whole thing out the window because the Waloed section through to the end of the game was a mess. First let me discuss what the writers tried to do and how they failed. King Barnabas was intended as Ultima’s successful creation to foil Clive as the failed creation. Clive asserts his independent will, his desire to live on his own terms, and that he will throw down all shackles forces upon him. Barnabas has forfeited his will and individuality for a life of religious devotion as Ultima’s puppet. Conceptually this isn't bad, the problem is in execution. Barnabas ended up being incredibly disappointing and boring as a character. For all Ultima and Barnabas' discussions of severing the ties of consciousness between Clive and his companions, they don't do anything or pose any sort of narrative threat. There are no stakes to this arc beyond a distant feeling that the world might end. Ultima shows up and has pointless conversations with Clive that go nowhere, establish nothing, and do nothing to progress the plot or stakes. From a character motivation standpoint at this point of the game Clive is doing exactly what Ultima wants so there’s no reason for Ultima to keep talking to Clive either. FFXVI tries to portray religious extremism and fails miserably. The game does little to establish religion and belief as a main theme in the game despite it being present in the background, the says nothing meaningful about religion and the only thing mildly interesting to happen, happens in an easily missed sidequest for the Undying.

Originally, I did consider trying to build off of this foiling of the slave to religion vs. the free man but to make it work actually involves changing more of the plot than the alternative and it just kept writing itself into a corner. A lot more would have needed to be done with religion earlier in the game, perhaps exploring how the different culture’s in Valisthea had different belief systems and interacting with how their various beliefs, theologies, and philosophies play out. They also could have had a story arc about how religion is used to subjugate, indoctrinate, and control people. More could have been done tying Ultima to the major religions of Valisthea like how Greagor is actually Ultima. Ultima and Barnabas should have followed through with those threats to sever the bounds of consciousness and started killing off the entire cast. The Hideaway should have been invaded and destroyed and the hub area lost. Otto, Mid, Vivian, Harpocrates, and eventually Gav, Jill, and Joshua. This would all have had massive gameplay and story implications and at that point I thought this was too much work for something I’m doing for fun, it’s not like Squeenix is paying me to fix their writing problems.

The solution I decided on completely flips Barnabas’ character and ideology, and ironically that changes less of the story than trying to stay true to the writers’ intentions. In this rewrite Barnabas still foils Clive but in the completely opposite way he does in the actual game. Here Barnabas is also a proponent of free will but in contrast with Clive’s more community minded approach to raising people up, Barnabas’ meaning of free will is the ability for him to impose his will over other people. Cid and Clive respect the rights and wills of all people while new Barnabas only respects his own will. Because Waloed no longer serves Ultima, the invasions of Dhalmek and Kanver here are due to Tharmr’s global conquest ambitions and to a lesser degree him shoring up resources to take on Ultima.

Barnabas here is in some ways a Übermensch, he is someone who has transcended all measure of human morality to create his own values to live by, someone who commands, creates and strikes his own path instead of obeying or following, someone powerful who’s power comes from them and not society. This new version of Barnabas has ironically cast aside religion and gods much like an Übermensch who Nietzche’s speculated would rise in the void of faith after the fall of Christian morality, to rise above humanity and gods both as a new being. As a critique of the concept, this Barnabas is also a self-centered and violent tyrant with no care for others, delusions of grandeur, and dreams of conquest and subjugation to bend lesser men to his will in a might equals right world. Benedrikta found Barnabas’ veneer of power alluring as she too desired power while Cid initially optimistic of the new world order Barnabas was trying to forge eventually grew disillusioned and bitter at his disregard for other people. Of note is that Barnabas does not have Ultima’s magic anti-aging serum in this version of events, the similar lack of aging was why I suspected Anabella to be similarly involved early on but that just ended up being a plot hole in the original game. There are two options to deal with this, first that Barnabas is an old man in his 60’s adding a layer of desperation to his conquests though that would not explain the lull in activity in recent years in in the actual game is explained by his contact with Ultima. The other option is that the timeline is changed so that the conquest of Ash is more recent.

Similar strongman archetypes to this new version of Barnabas can be found in the Chaos Heroes of the Shin Megami Tensei main games especially the early games, and in Walhart from Fire Emblem: Awakening. I want to discuss Walhart further because this Barnabas has ended up being a very similar character. Both are ruthless dictators seeking to take over the world who will destroy all opposition with force, they see themselves as the strongest, both refuse to bow to or worship anything. They would both unite the armies of the world to destroy the evil gods who would seek to end the world and the party defeating them ironically makes it easier for the evil god characters to destroy the world as the party just removed one of their obstacles for them. This focus on power and individual merit while deemphasizing position and background likewise justifies Waloed as the only nation accepting of beastmen into its military ranks. Barnabas doesn’t care who you are he care what you can do, it’s how outlanders like himself, Cid, or Benedrikta rose so high in the ranks.

The next arc will be Waloed and the destruction of the 5th and final Mothercrystal, Drakes Spine. With the nations of Storm in shambles, the war machine of Waloed rumbles and they prepare a full-scale invasion of Storm. The party must scramble to unite factions that were just at war with each other to prepare for the full-on invasion. They aim to strike the heart of Waloed before the war ships launch hoping to throw Waloed into disarray. The plan is to split the party with one group rallying around Kanver to make a stand while another infiltrates and destroys Drake’s Spine. By this point Clive and Ifrit have gotten famous or perhaps infamous as the most powerful man on Storm and Barnabas is coming to challenge him directly as such Clive will be at the front of the defense hoping to kill Barnabas and dissolve his empire. Joshua will be leading a small party into Waloed and the one with the most experience with Mothercrystals. Joshua will then become the main playable character during this section with cutscenes showing Clive organizing the people of Storm and forming a rapport with Dion as another man who’s eikon went berserk and destroyed the people he’d sworn to protect they are both knights who failed. The rest of the party hasn’t quite been set in stone but I think Gav and Jote would go with Joshua and that Clive would send Torgal to look after Joshua. Ash isn’t quite as desolate as it is in the actual game but between the conscriptions, the heavy taxes, the blight, and the increased monster activity (Fallen, spectres and wraith type enemies) it is still pretty bad in Ash. As such getting to Drake’s Spine will involve a lot more stealth than it does in the real game but they get there as its garrisons have emptied for war and make their way to the heart of the Mothercrystal. This section of the game introduces the Circle of Malius which worships Ultima and part of exploring Ash is Joshua going to those ruins and learning how their teachings say that Ultima created humanity and that humanity should serve because it is their destiny and purpose. During the Waloed section there’s a brief cutscene of a pan shot of Anabella and an escort party walking through Fallen architecture.

While Joshua makes his way through the fortress to the Mothercrystal, the fight for Kanver begins and at the climax of both events Clive faces off against Barnabas at the same time that Joshua meets Sleipnir in Drake’s Spine who was ordered to stay behind because Waloed suspected something like this might happen. Gameplay then switches between the two battles with eikonic titans Ifrit and Odin clashing and splitting the sea, while contrasted to Joshua and Sleipnir dueling with rapiers across the crystal floor. As the Vassal of Odin Sleipnir is more than enough to hold off Joshua and Joshua is forced to semi-prime to stand a chance, further risking his health. Sleipnir here is not an egi and extension of Odin, instead he is a normal human man who believes in new Barnabas’ ideals and is loyal to him. Eventually both Joshua and Clive manage to kill their opponents, on screen it should be a split perspective for the final blow with both Joshua and Clive striking down their opponents at the same time.

The Barnabas and Clive fight is a battle of ideals. Both characters are proponents of free will and that people should be able to live on their own terms but they have wildly different interpretations as to what this looks like implemented in the real world. Inevitably some person’s terms will clash with another person’s terms. Barnabas sees this as a matter of individual strength, that one must be strong to be able to decide their own life, to rise beyond the masses and take life by the reins. The rule of the jungle where the strong have the power to do whatever they want, and if the weak want change than all they have to do is become stronger. Clive is more cooperation and community minded; it is about everyone lifting each other up to a better life. There’s the paradox of tolerance in that if a community tolerates intolerance for certain people that community will become as intolerant and bigoted as possible, so to maintain tolerance and equal rights intolerance must not be tolerated. To ensure the rights of all, some times limits need to be put on people, especially limits on the rich and powerful. I do wish the actual game had engaged with Clive’s life experiences more because he’s seen first hand the social determinants of health and how society treats those it doesn’t care about, the least protected. Another change is that I would make the Barnabas Clive fight much more exciting. Anticlimactic fights are fine but they have to be done with purpose (as I intend to do later), a fight is anticlimactic to contrast it with other fights or to drive home an emotional point in the narrative, but the lack of excitement in the original fight serves no purpose, its just boring. Some ideas I have are for the fight to be over the water with Odin cleaving the ocean into several parts and Ifrit hoping between and boiling away parts of the ocean to clear a path. I’m not a fight choreographer but this fight needs to be big and as flashy and impressive as the others in the game.

FFXVI Rewrite Part 5: Origin, Ultima, and the Ending

With the last Mothercrystal destroyed and the final seal on Ultima broken, the apocalypse begins. The sky breaks apart into dark roiling aetheric stormclouds casting the world into eternal gloom. Aetherfloods spill across the lands poisoning all life and turning it akashic, the remaining crystals fail. There is no nation left standing in Valisthea. The one force that would have fought against Ulima’s rule Waloed is in disarray. The greatest champion fighting for free will was Banabas who is now dead. Congrats on making things worse! Isn’t free will and making choices great? The party much now scramble to figure out what is going on, all the while the realization of how badly they messed up slowly dawns upon them. Like in the actual game’s post Twinside section, the party scrambles to recover from the Waloed attack while also fending off compounding problems of starved beasts, Fallen machines, akasha, and wraiths. Now though Origin has also risen into the sky destroying all hopes of salvaging Twinside. The party travels around Valisthea piecing together the deteriorating situation with the destruction of the Mothercrystals and wonders if this is what Ultima wanted since they stopped bothering them several Mothercrystals back. Doomsday cultists start popping up. In particular will be the savior cult the Circle of Malius who are much the same as the are in the actual game striving to make all people akashic as they see it as the ultimate pure state free of mortal burdens. This formerly suppressed underground faction now runs free now that Barnabas is gone.

I really do like most of the sidequest storylines especially Dion and Harpocrates’ quest, however a complaint I had was that their placement right before the final boss dropped the pacing off a cliff. In this rewrite the last section is being expanded so there is time added here for Clive to rally people and finish their storylines so that the finale can be uninterrupted. This includes the final part of Jill’s character arc where she reckons that for all that she has talked big and tried to help people, she herself still does not quite know what it means to live on her own terms, but she thinks she is finally starting to understand. Jill wants to travel the world, to help the people out there who don’t know how to fight for themselves yet and to find herself. In the actual game the Jill-Clive romance is primarily hindered by Jill’s poor writing having tried to fix her writing here I have no objections to the romance anymore. However, I was never a fan of romances and am of the mentality of that if it isn’t needed it shouldn’t be included. For example, in Tales of Arise the relationship between Alphen and Shionne is the center point around which the rest of the story revolves and while it could have been a friendship instead of a romantic one, there is no Tales of Arise without Shionne and Alphen’s relationship. This is not the case for FFXVI, even in this rewrite Jill is not the deuteragonist (if anyone it’d be Joshua), as such Jill and Clive’s relationship is not central to the story and really while I’m not opposed, I feel a romance just gets in the way of the story, if there’s to be any romance I would rather it just be implied or optional. Dion and Terrance should still kiss because that is bold and revolutionary in a way the portrayal of any straight couple isn’t, also they’re side characters so it doesn’t matter this story isn’t about them. Before the final dungeon is also the time to show how life without magic sucks. FFXVI sort of glosses over this very briefly but I think this point should be integrated into all the final storylines, without magic people have no safe drinking water or fire, disease begins running rampant, industry grinds to a halt, and food production halts so people begin starving in the streets in mass, and Clive has to see all this knowing this is what he’s done to people.

The party eventually learns of Ultima’s plans to destroy the world and enslave humanity by flooding them with aether and turning every living thing akashic. At the same time, they record increased aether concentrations gathering around Origin, as the Blights worsen as Ultima repurposes the same draining mechanisms as the Mothercrystals, He turns the very chains that bound them into his servants. Instead of loredumping via a ten minute monologue at the end of the game, now would be a good place to drop bits of lore and worldbuilding like how in this version dragons, frostwolves, and such were the original inhabitants of the world. Ultima is the last surviving active member of the Fallen whose ancient civilization made all the ruins encountered across the game. Ultima and the Fallen brought humans to Valisthea and created eikons by enslaving the power of the land’s original inhabitants. Eikons are a phenomena of the recent centuries and a sign that the seals were weakening.

As a lover of JRPGs I found it immensely disappointing that Origin was just some cutscenes and not a full dungeon so I’m making it a full dungeon in this rewrite. Ultima is trying to draw in Clive and possess him anyways (as well as the combined Ifit-Phoenix fire eikon) so they would try and cut off the rest of the party. Dion is able to break a hole in Origin that Clive enters into with Joshua, however Jill is cutoff, and under constant assault she seals the hole after them to stop pursuit. In addition, the Fallen forces are marching from Origin to turn every person akashic and Dion and Jill are needed to hold them back. As such Dion and Jill as the two that can fly stay outside to stop pursuit of Joshua and Clive, as well as to try and contain Ultima’s forces from murdering and or turning everyone on the continent into akasha. This would be a nice scene to show all the factions of Valisthea that Clive has met and negotiated with coming together to ward off extermination. Like the Trinity Accord can actually be something meaningful as a defense accord rallying humanity’s last remnants. Origin will be a classic final dungeon boss gauntlet with no way to exit until the player beats the game. Every set of floors (5? 10?) will be a boss as Ultima seeks to weaken Clive.

During the ascent to the top or Origin the final secrets of the game are revealed and the lore scattered throughout the game brought together. To reiterate, the Fallen drained the resources of their homeland and turned it into a wasteland, their civilization collapsed and the survivors fled upon the mothership Origin to a new world. Coming to Valisthea, they came into contact with the native lifeforms such as the dragons and began a war of conquest for control over Valisthea. The Fallen made eikons out of draconic aether to use as war weapons against the dragons themselves thus why eikons are elemental themed. Eventually the Fallen with their eikons and advanced technology kill most of the dragons but not before most of them were killed as well. As a last resort the last remaining dragons sacrificed themselves to seal the last Fallen away the Eldest Wyrm’s body fragments, becoming the Mothercrystals. The Mothercrystals much like dragons themselves have a strong connection to the aether of the land and while not ideal, a side effect of the Mothercrystals is that they feed off of the land’s aether to power their seals. Because this was a last ditch effort it’s full of problems including that the seals take an unsustainable amount of aether and after the land is drained of aether the seals begin to fail. Mining and using crystals sped up the breaking of the seals as well as the spread of the deadlands as the Mothercrystals drained the lands to fuel the seals. Ultima is the last active Fallen who awakened as the seals weakened. The reawakening did not go as he hoped as the other Fallen only remained as aether. Ultima seeks to flood all of humanity with Fallen aether made of his people’s souls to truly reincarnate them, replacing the original aether of the world with Fallen aether. Origin now acts as the focal point amassing aether and releasing Ultima’s forces.

At the top floor of Origin Clive and Joshua find not only Ultima but Anabella and Olivier. Anabella and Olivier transport to Ultima’s eden space ship which is revealed to be the red star Metia; Origin acts as the connecting point between Valisthea and Metia. Ultima reveals that the Fallen are the true humans of this setting. The original humans created soulless shell or dolls for them to later fill with their own aether, reincarnate, and thus save their civilization. All the characters the player has met were these husks created by the true humans, the people of Valisthea were never meant to be people on their own with wills and thoughts. Similarly, Mythos like in the actual game was the chosen vessel for Ultima to fill with the eikons, ascend to godhood, and power the casting. But like most plans, things have gone wrong and now created fights Creator. Ultima tells Clive and Joshua that they and their brethren were only ever imposters wrongfully claiming the title of humanity their masters: the true humans. As creations of humans, they belong to humans, their wills exist only as an extension of the true humans’ wills. “In Ultima's eyes, mankind's greatest sin is the awakening of free will—his servants straying from the path their creator laid out for them and forging one of their own. However, Clive contends that this is a sin by which Ultima is equally stained—and indeed, if humanity is indeed Ultima's creation, does not their every action, every emotion stem from him?” (Mysteries of the Realm: Sin).

Clive and Joshua face Ultima in his Ultimalius form as in actual FFXVI for stage 1 of the final boss fight. After beating Ultimalius, Ultima transforms Stage 2 is a giant kaiju eikon battle is space. Like in the Bahamut fight, Ifrit and Phoenix combine, however where Ifrit Prime was an incomplete fusion, this time the fusion is in full and the true Eikon of Fire emerges: Adonaios v2.11 (other possible names are Sabaoth and Belias). Ultima uses the beta testing version Adonaios v1.8; 1.8 comes from the incorporation of all 8 elements plus Ultima, 2.11 comes from Adonaios having to be split into two but left unfinished by Ultima for Clive to collect the remaining eikons. In game Ifrit Prime just looked like the Ifrit model with 2 feathers glued on, Adonaios v2.11meanwhile looks like a 50:50 fusion a molten red eikon with wings, horns, a feathered tail, and a jagged beak. Adonaios is slimmer than Ifrit but overall bigger with the feathers. Adonaios v1.8 meanwhile looks like the figure on the murals, a fusion of all 8 eikons and elements however it is falling apart at the seams even as Ultima fights with it because it’s an abandoned draft version. Late in the stage 2 fight Clive and Joshua are losing and draw upon the remaining power of the eikons of whom only Bahamut and Shiva are left. This drains the remaining eikonic power from Jill and Dion, grounding them and making the Valisthea fight hopeless, the Ultima fight now all or nothing. Stage 3 of the final boss fight takes place aboard Metia. Metia was an alien spaceship all along, but more accurately it is a control satellite from which to coordinate the revival of humanity. Clive, Joshua, and Ultima have all mostly used up all their power in the previous stage. In this final stage of the fight Ultima transcends and returns to his original appearance that of a human, Clive and Joshua are no longer fighting some strange monster but someone they would recognize as human. In stage 3 Clive cannot semi-prime. In the end Ultima is killed and his species is now extinct.

Joshua and Clive are exhausted from climbing Origin as well as the consecutive boss fights but begin to relax with Ultima dead, and then Anabella steps out. Anabella thought she could outplay Ultima by siding with him and then taking over, and now she sees her chance. She steals all the power that Ultima had been siphoning into himself to cast the spell, and redirects it all into Olivier to turn Olivier into a god and who will rule the world, doing what Ultima failed to do. It fails because playing god is a bad idea, Olivier’s body cannot handle the power and it begins mutating him into a deformed humanoid abomination with multiple arms and eyes, bodies seemingly trying to grow out of him. So, the true final boss is mercy killing a child who is falling apart and turning into an abomination but doesn't know it, as he cries that it hurts and begs you to stop. Olivier cannot be allowed to live as they will destroy the world. and the aether is warping his mind and he becomes less coherent as the fight goes on, regressing from full sentences to just screams. Ascended Olivier doesn’t really fight back, he flails around and lashes out when attacked but attacks aren’t particularly aimed at the player and he’s mostly crying and shaking on the ground in pain. Ascended Olivier has a very large health bar and the story will not progress until he is killed, the last save point is before reaching the top floor or Origin. In a game full of epic boss battle, the last is anticlimactic by design, there is no epic music just silence, there is no challenging gameplay, only attacking a child. The gameplay is boring, its grueling, and that’s the point. Clive kills Olivier and then there’s just Anabella.

Much like the Fallen were the creators of modern humans who sought to control their creations and saw them as an extension of themselves, creations that deviated and refused to submit to their will and thus were failures. So too is Anabella a controlling creator who deemed her children failures for not advancing her goals, hating and discarding them to try again with a new child. Olivier was supposed to be her ultimate creation, perfect and subservient to her with no will of his own. The parallels between Anabella and Ultima exist in the actual game so it was disappointing her role ended so early and nothing was done with this parallel. Here is this rewrite, the large-scale destruction of the world by Ultima is paralleled with the destroyed Rosfield family and this final confrontation with Anabella. Anabella is not a warrior, without her soldiers and pawns she doesn’t have and martial power, she is more or less powerless to her fate at this point having discarded all her cards and bet everything Olivier. Clive (and the player) are then given the choice to “do nothing”, “kill”, or “spare” Anabella, Clive after all was the one who suffered the most from her. If “kill” is chosen, then Clive kills Anabella. If “spare” is chosen, Clive walks away but not before Joshua steps in and kills Anabella because even if Clive can forgive her Joshua can’t. If “do nothing” is chosen Anabella kills herself unable to reconcile with a reality in which she has lost.

Clive and Joshua use the last embers of the eikonic power remaining to shut down Primogenesis and Ultima’s plans, landing the Metia at the base of the crumbling Origin. The closing shot is of gang standing together overseeing a ruined Valisthea as the camera pans showing the aether storm clearing, wraiths evaporating, and fallen machines deactivating permanently. The deadlands are still around but a new sprout is seen growing. The credits sequence plays over a scene of Mid yelling to hurry it up she wants to see stoves and water purifiers in every village by the end of the month, shots of people is Valisthea figuring out how to live without magic using technology and innovation, the main characters are seen helping repair efforts. The end card says 4 years, meaning FFXVI takes place over a total of 16 years, from the beginning of the game and Phoenix Gate to the end of the game and Origin. Sun light is streaming through a window as Clive writes in a book which he closes to the title “Final Fantasy XVI by Joshua and Clive Rosfield”. As the timeline is changed here so that Clive is younger for the duration of the game than he is in the real game, his older model can be used here. Clive is using his non-dominant hand here as his dominant hand has been partially petrified from his fight with Ultima. On the desk is a photo of Clive and a bedridden Joshua.

The game’s themes could have been better integrated into the final section of the game. If FFXIV wanted to tell a story about choice, then they should have made Clives’ choices have weight and consequence. If he wants a society free of the Mothercrystals then the game should have showed how he ruined the lives of many many people by destroying them. FFXVI would have benefited greatly from more moral dilemmas like that. There should have also been exploration of the concepts of creation, ownership, makers, what makes someone human. One missed opportunity was not bringing up the relationship between art and artist, is art an extension of the artist or its own thing. The references to Gnosticism were fine but the concepts could have been clearer. There are also just a truckload of small problems and inconsistencies in the game like how Charon is said at one point to have a wide variety of customers across the continent while at another point is said on exclusively trade to the Hideaway. There’s a sidequest about how Murdoch’s nephew joins the Hideaway because he admires Clive and then the game forgets about him (just like they forget about Jill) and only remembers him again to put him on a bus, thus having no interaction with Clive. A lot of worldbuilding is just badly done. I love mysteries but making things misleading and obscure for no reason is not how to do it. So much of it was unclear or convoluted or just pointless even after reading the completed The Thousand Tomes that I just threw the whole thing out and wrote new lore for this reimaging of FFXVI. If a change is not specified than it is the same as in the actual game. I wrote 85% of this in Jun-Jul of 2023, then stopped for lack of motivation. I only finished this for the sake of finishing it because I don’t care anymore. I’m done with FFXVI and it’s poor writing.

It says something that it ended up being easier to throw out the later 1/3 of the game. In earlier drafts I did originally try to make canon work like Barnabas being one of Ultima’s devout and purifying Waloed by turning it all akashic, or Joshua’s probable death at the end of the game. Like it would have made more sense for Barnabas and Ultima as they are portrayed in the actual game to methodically hunt down and kill every person or named NPC Clive has ever talked to, slowly isolating him from his humanity by breaking every connection he’s ever tried to make. But of course, this removes the cast from having a role in the rest of the game and makes it impossible to keep the rest of the game the same. This rewrite ended up being pretty happy and optimistic because that’s the spirit of the original game. FFXVI in the end is pretty optimistic, which I have mixed feelings about. FFXVI tries have an upbeat uplifting ending and message while also wanting to be a dark, gritty, edgy Game of Thrones knockoff, and while this is very possible for a work to do, FFXVI did not succeed in meshing these aspects into a consistent whole, XVI ends up feeling inconsistent or disjointed. So while I did eventually decide to uphold XVI’s optimistic spirit I did consider another possibility leaning into more of the darker ambience. With the rising of Origin and fight to climb the tower, every major character either is killed or sacrifices themselves for Clive to reach the summit. The Cursebreakers buy time of the ground with their lives, Dion finally gets the absolution of death he has been seeking for Sanbreque, Jill joins Clive and Joshua in the tower but sacrifices herself to hold back the tower bosses and all of Ultima’s forces chasing them up the tower. During the second stage of the final Ultima fight to turn Ifrit Prime into Adonaios v2.11 and truly fuse Phoenix and Ifrit, Joshua who is already dying burns himself away allowing Clive to have all of Phoenix’s power. Clive thus kills Olivier alone, and faces Anabella alone, his fate left ambiguous.

#ffxvi #ff16 #final fantasy xvi #clive rosfield #jill warrick #joshua rosfield #barnabas tharmr #anabella rosfield

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randaccidents · 2 months

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Panphobia (unfinished)

Seeing @mine-sara-sp active reminded me that I have literally NEVER finished that companion fic for Was It Worth It. Frankly I don't think I can finish it? Hermitcraft s6 was really really long ago and I don't remember the events of that season anymore + I fell off of Hermitcraft due to school.

That doesn't mean I can't post what I did write 4 years ago for the redstone update dream! Quick sparknotes of my plans:

I didn't want Doc to be a generic "oh no he's violent and aggressive booo" thing, so I wrote him as becoming paranoid instead! Still allows him to be violent but adds a layer of psychological buildup and struggle

It was going to follow similar events to Was It Worth It and include Doc's reactions this time

This includes stuff like discovering the Stock Exchange had been gutted, and trying to mine more redstone, and having those events just fuel the paranoia more

Yes the paranoia is absolutely the excuse I have for fics where Doc attacks Grian

Since Was It Worth It deliberately became REALLY FOGGY about time towards the end, I was going to add a general timeline. I think? The idea was that it took a week for Doc to realize and then panic about Ren's disappearance, Xisuma would teleport them both and TFC (last to see Ren) to Ren's location, and then Ren takes a month? or two? to fully recover

Specifically Ren is the last to recover because he's a stubborn dog man and actually hid A LOT of redstone in his time mining across both spawn and 1.14 lands, and is additionally too stubborn to tell anyone where the redstone was (duty bound dog man please) so Doc has to deal with watching Grian and Scar recover while his man is still unconscious in bed. Not fun for him

ehhh I think that's most of what was planned before shit happened and I fell off? yeah it is ANGSTY

But all I managed to write was a very short beginning portion and I wanted to post it anyways so here you go!

Redstone update dream AU belongs to @mine-sara-sp, recommended to read Was It Worth It first (a lot worse in tws btw)

TWs: intrusive thoughts, paranoia

----------------------------

It started small, like everything did.

What if you misplaced the plans for the pillager farm?

That particular thought sent him into a flurry of limbs as he tore through his current home-hole. His thoughts whispered traitorous words, that he had left it on a ledge, the wind must've taken it, blew it into a lava lake, and he'd have to write his plans all over again. That he wouldn't remember the entirety of the design and that his plans were now ruined for good.

It was a great weight off his shoulders when he found the plans folded safely in his chest monster, right where he had left it.

Did you leave it there in the first place? Are you sure?

He sighed, picking up the piece of paper and unfolding it, revealing his grand plans.

It's so easy to tear paper with those claws of yours.

He decided it would be better to commit his plans into a book. Or maybe two or three. Just in case.

------------------

The whispers didn't stop there.

He's hiding something. He probably stole something of yours again.

He narrowed his one working eye, his other cybernetic one flashing red in his paranoia. Grian shuffled under his scrutiny, giving him a mischievous little grin. "What's up Doc?"

That shuffle, he's hiding something. It has nothing to do with how hard you are glaring at the prankster, red eye ominously hard.

“What’s up?” he rumbled lowly, the words echoing in his chest. “What’s up?”

The pesky bird held up his hands in surrender, taking a step back. He’s hiding something. “Woah, calm down, it’s just a greeting man! When were you so uptight? Well, not counting Area 77 and all that...”

He growled, cutting off the sky-loving man before he could ramble the day away. He would ramble the day away, wasting your time. “Why are you here.” The sentence was more a demand than a question, his patience worn thin from the whispering shadows around.

“C’mon man, can’t a hermit just want to check in on another hermit?”

(unfinished rest of fic)

#that one redstone update dream #rand.writ #Im not gonna maintag anything because of how old and unfinished this is lmao #cant believe I still had it somewhere #who knows #maybe I will finish it someday #but not for awhile #ay yo sara remember I said I wanted to revive this au? yeah this was what I was struggling to get out #trigger tagssss #paranoia #intrusive thoughts #ough I havent trigger tagged properly on tumblr in awhile #cccc is just canon-typical [insert trigger here]#I am SLACKING damn #me out here digging up my old works

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augment-techs · 4 months

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what i watched/read in january

Saint Maud: 5/5 Quite the parlor trick that I spent the whole buildup to actually seeing it believing it couldn't possibly be as psychologically intense and questionable as people were making it out to be and--what do you know? I was actually drawn in an surprised. Especially by the "demonic possession" and "angel wings" leading up to the final scene.

Grabbed: Poets & Writers on Sexual Assault, Empowerment, and Healing, ed. by Blanco, Moro, Moustaki, and Albo: 5/5 This was all very moving and left me with much to think about. It didn't just take points from the female pov, but also the male and--I think?--trans and nonbinary. The poetry in itself was a surprise, the essays and confessions something more what I was thinking of. It was hard to choose my favorites from the lot, but the poem by Michael O'Mara using Pink stands out the most.

Shades of Blue: Writers on Depression, Suicide, and Feeling Blue, ed. by Amy Ferris: 5/5 Okay, I'm not going to lie, I read through this entire book and while all of them were deeply meaningful, the one that stuck in my brain was the one that included a knock-knock joke-- "Knock knock/Who's There?/Boo./Boo who?/Just boo, you dope. You're a ghost." -by judywhite-- Which...is kind of horrible, and yet stupidly endearing?

Frankie Drake Mysteries, season 4: 4/5 Okay, I really, really, really wanted to love this season, which is apparently the last we're getting from this series, but, like, apparently they HAD warning that they weren't getting a fifth season, had time to wrap up most loose ends and STILL left us with this COMPLETE BULLSHIT ENDING?! WTF?

My Neighbor: Art Inspired by the Films of Miyazaki: 3/5 I mean, some of this was very good, but this was not at all what I was expecting and it was kind of a let down that I had to order this from out of state from my library. I thought this was an essay AND art collective.

Humans, by Brandon Stanton: 5/5 I'm always reading and rereading this, and it never gets old and is always giving me something new to notice and think about. On this particular reread, the photos and people that stood out the most were a small child in New York in a lion costume who was quoted saying, "There's nothing hard about being four;" then a group shot of two boys and a girl I think in the Middle East, one of the boys saying, "We let her pick," while all three smile, holding up a kite with Barbie on it; and then a picture of a man just sitting against a building with a really beautiful anecdote he gave about reading tarot cards to make a living in New York city wherein he believes in the card, but not in the way fortune tellers do, "I believe in them like you'd believe in a poem. I believe in their aesthetics."

Eat a Peach: a Memoir, by David Chang: 5/5 Being a chef and restaurant owner and believing in the work while also having mental illness. I haven't read this kind of memoir before from the Korean immigrant perspective and this went much better than I would have thought. Mostly because I did not expect this to be so FUNNY in some places. I thought it would be lyrical (which it was) or quite philosophic (which it was) but the book cover--which was beautiful--kind of made me think this would read like a Sisyphean tragedy. Which it really wasn't. And also some of his analogies--especially the one about a Hogwarts Culinary Dark Arts Class--are going to be stuck in my brain for a while.

Calling Doctor Laura: A Graphic Memoir, by Nicole Georges: 3/5 Oh to be a young queer woman at the turn of the century whose mother is almost certainly an untreated narcissist with BPD and whose girlfriend was most definitely cheating on her while she worked out trying to get the truth about her not-actually-dead father while sifting through very unpleasant memories of neglect and emotional abuse. Not a fan of the art style, but the story was at least honest.

Cheshire Crossing, by Andy Weir & Sarah Andersen: 5/5 TEN-THOUSAND blessings on writers who both admit to writing fanfiction on their opening introduction AND an art style where the cast was presented as 80% poc, INCLUDING Alice & Dorothy themselves, while presenting Wendy as queer. YES TO ALL OF THIS.

How to Be an Artist, by Jerry Saltz: 4/5 Actually a very good collective for advice and practice, though I might disagree with some of the rules...just...a bit.

The Wendy Project, by Osborne & Fish: 4/5 A story of young grief in the aftermath of an accident. A modern retelling of Peter Pan, but without the explanation of separating grief and breakdown from reality...such as it is. I was actually rather pleased to see the more "human" Peter ignored for the sake of the Wendy.

The Girl Who Married a Skull and Other African Stories: ratings run from 1/5 to 6/5 depending on the artist and story. My favorites of the lot were The Disobedient Daughter Who Married a Skull, by Nicole Chartland--which was beautiful and did NOT end in marriage, but did end in love--and Concerning the Hawk and the Owl, by Meredith McClaren--which was incredibly lovely and had very little NEED of words.

Kimi Can't Communicate vol. 16, by Oda Tomohito: 5/5 Best parts about this would be: -Tadano playing the sports festival and getting crushed on HARD by Manbagi, Katai, and Komi. -Maeda, the school's top sprinter, having a thing for GILFs. -Suteno not giving Tadano a single thought and getting his headband taken without Tadano even blinking. -EVERYONE (bar Komi and Manbagi) feeding Tadano lunch. -The first time Tadano pats Komi on the head = KOMI WANTS MORE!! -Return to the Cat Café, complete with Manbagi getting a little pervert tomcat and Tadano once again pulling in the prettiest kitty in the area by being himself. -Shousuke and his Dad have a Father-Son day--and it becomes very obvious that Shousuke totally deserves Hitomi as the only curse he'll ever get. -Emoi Awards. -Tadano saves Manbagi's goldfish. -The whole voting process for the Culture Festival--once more, Komi is made to be the golden idol. -The Rehearsal of Najimi's play and The Cold-Blooded Princess. -It might be for the play, but Komi finally tells Tadano, "I like you."

The Vincent van Gogh overseas history DVD: 3/5 I suppose this is useful in terms of understanding and reference, but I didn't much care for the directing and editing style.

Big Trouble in Little China: 5/5 I FINALLY get to watch the movie with the women that have green eyes sacrificed to a dragon spirit in the name of a dark sorcerer cursed for over a thousand years in San Francisco. I haven't seen this movie since I was in kindergarten and should never have watched it to begin with. It is infinitely more entertaining and unpredictable than most anything coming out of the industry today. I had totally forgotten that Samantha from Sex and the City and Steve Stronghold from Sky High were acting here. I cannot believe John "Halloween" Carpenter directed this.

Disney's A Twisted Tale Anthology: -What if Snow White Learned Magic: 3/5 -What if Mulan became the Emperor's Advisor: 4/5 -What if Remy met Colette First: 5/5 -What if Anastasia had a change of Heart: 4/5 -What if Jim Hawkins joined the Pirates: 2/5 -What if history wasn't Quite Right about Robin Hood: 4/5 -What if Eric met Ariel after she rescued him: 3/5 -What if Tinkerbell was working for Captain Hook: 3/5 -What if Naveen had to get home to Maldonia: 5/5 -What if the Triplets visited the Witch: 3/5 -What if Madam Mim and Merlin wet to school together: 3/5 -What if Belle had to take her father's place at the fair: 3/5 -What if Hercules's first day as a god didn't go as planned: 2/5 -What if Bambi didn't want to be a Great Prince: 5/5 -What if Aurora knew about the curse: 4/5

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 15, by Oda Tomohito: 5/5 -Isagi is introduced with a HUGE arc to become Student Council President -Isagi has poor communication/OCD/Extreme germaphobia and touch aversion -Ase presents and comes through as Isagi's Truest Friend -Tadano sees Pretty Cat Komi -Yamai gets Komi to play Twister with her...in the school hallway...and passes out when she gets EXACTLY what she wants -Hitomi initiates a Shousuke/Ai + Hitomi & Yamada "date night" complete with coffee drinks, prize games (Hitomi won Ai a stuffed panda) and a movie at the theater -Ai had fun~ -Isagi plays Rock/Paper/Scissors/Hammer/Helmet against the entire class and WINS -Najimi insists on Isagi keeping the hammer (she's too good not to have it) -The previous Class President is utterly TERRIBLE at her job -The class take glamor shots together in an effort to get Isagi to smile for her election photo; but only managed to get a very on point shot of her menacing Najimi (which works better) -Isagi forgot to choose her campaign representative, but as usual, BLESS TADANO, "Don't worry about it. We don't care who you pick." -Isagi wins after a truly heartfelt speech from Ase. -Time for school physicals; Tadano is a half inch taller than Komi (who is SO GLAD) -Manbagi stresses about her crush on Tadano -Komi and Shousuke are forced by their mother to invite friends to dinner; Komi invited Manbagi, Ase, and Tadano...Shousuke ONLY invited Yamada, but Hitomi being Hitomi invited herself and Ai -Tadano gets to shine as the most polite person on the planet by being the ONLY PERSON at the table to say Yamada Sanjurokuro's name correctly (which may or may not lead to yet another crush on him; bringing his fan club up to, what, twelve now?)

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 14, by Oda Tomohito: 5/5 -The only thing that keeps sinking into my brain about this particular issue is the entire fair situation wherein Tadano, Komi, Manbagi, and Katai get sucked into working at Agari's aunt's food stall by Najimi. -Fushima continues to cheer on Katai/Tadano from the sidelines (and me along with her). -But the kicker is Manbagi finally warming up to Tadano and Hitomi & Onemine & Sasaki & Sato FREAKING OUT -Komi is just glad they get along -Hitomi is glad that Tadano continues to be Tadano and does not understand the concept of ANYONE having a crush on him. This precious boy.

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 13, by Oda Tomohito: 4/5 -It was fucking MAJESTIC to see Nakanaka playing around with an umbrella after sunset like a gun, running aground of the Four Monarchs, an out of town city woman playing dead when she said, "BANG!" to be polite--and her running away as fast as she could with the Monarchs finding the situation quite interesting but the woman on the ground wondering when she could get up again. -Najimi sets up a horror challenge at Katai's WITHOUT ASKING HIM--but it's fine. His friends are proud of him and he is so SOFT.

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 11, by Oda Tomohito: 5/5 -Summer vacation wherein the Komi and Tadano family end up at the same outdoor game park. -Hitomi continues to be Shousuke's unwanted but entirely necessary cheerleader. -Komi unlocks a kink by seeing the rim of Tadano's underwear. -Nakanaka/Yamai is VERY encouraged by Sukida (and myself as well). -The Four Monarchs are introduced to the class and it is SO fucking funny watching them fail to impress or scare ANYONE in this new class. Especially Tadano; it is so awesome.

3 Generations DVD: 4/5 A lesbian, poly, trans family making their way through the son's transition and the messy secrets the mother left behind in an effort to get written permission to start testosterone. I'm a little sad that the main actor wasn't actually trans but...Elle Fanning is still Elle Fanning, so the acting was *chef's kiss*.

Pawn Sacrifice DVD: 5/5 I already wanted to punch Bobby Fischer when he was alive for being both a genius and the biggest fucking asshole, but Toby Maguire was a fucking majestic BEAST in this piece illustrating opposite Liev Scheiber just HOW MUCH chess players during the Cold War did not inspire envy. Every actor in this film was a blessing, but DAMN, these two are awesome.

Little Panic: A Memoir, by Amanda Stern: 4/5 Oh, holy shit; I knew the 80s were terrible for women, but to have an anxiety disorder on top of a learning disorder in New York's East Village at the time was nothing short of just AWFUL.

The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance: A Memoir, by Elna Baker: 4/5 This is useful in being a funny and darkly honest commentary/critique of diet culture, New York single life, religion, growth, and cues into life in-between. But All the way through I could not help but feel a little bit irked by the author.

From Boys to Men, edit. by Ted Gideonse & Rob Williams: 5/5 My fourth time reading this and it gets better every single time--especially in that these are queer men of all ages, races, and types, and just feels NICE. -The Story I Told Myself, by Soehnlein: inventing the self through playing with the little people in your head to make some pretty awesome soap operas -Sleeping Eros, by McAllister: considerations on divorce and brotherhood and a father who might have also been gay -Preppies are my Weakness, by Dolby: the essay that basically promises that those you're attracted to at ages 14-17 are Your Type (interestingly, for those of my mutuals reading this; I kept picturing Billy Cranston and Jason Scott, even though Jason would NEVER treat Billy like that). -Barbie Girls, by E.K. Anderson: Mid-80s realizing the politics of "romance" at age 11 and meeting a kindred soul at summer camp -Signs, by R.C. Green: exploring sexuality from the POV of an inner city, poc athlete that had a LOT of anger and internalized homophobia -And much, much, MUCH more.

A Gift From a Ghost, by Borja Gonzalez: 6/5 This is such a beautiful graphic novel for the consideration of how the future is a reflection of the past and how the past has little touches of understanding the future. Possibly it is also a thought piece on reincarnation? Dimensions and time spotting? Either way, the choice for the characters to be faceless and wit the looks of very pretty mannequins while building up the surroundings and wardrobe was MAGNIFICENT.

Change the Game, by Kaepernick: 4/5: A graphic memoir about the growth of a black football player from a white family who would eventually take the knee in protest to racist, sexist, political lashings. Not my favorite art style, but I can appreciate the lighting and line technique.

Goodbye: A Story of Suicide of Hailee Joy Lamberth: 2/5 A good attempt at humanizing and rationalizing, but for me, personally, it was a little too bright, shiny, sanitized...And not to mention a bit self-indulgent.

The Books that Changed My Life, edit. by Bethanne Patrick: 5/5 I have my favorites in the writers and in the books they chose and in the essays they wrote on them. But Gillian Flynn, Margaret Atwood, Peter Coyote, and Sofia Coppola's choices were my favorites.

Komi Can't Communicate vol. 4, by Oda Tomohito: 5/5 -Komi and Tadano try and say each other's first name...and fail SPECTULARLY. -They swapped kitty keychains (a tabby and an ebony) -Inaka makes her first appearance in a Subway parody -Nakanaka/Yamai is establishing itself through Tadano trying to teach them "Komi Speak."

#reading lists #movie lists #my humble opinion #reference

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bustyasianbeautiespod · 8 months

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Episode 5 Transcript: Neil Gaiman, You Have Such a Limited View of Gender

[Garageband Good Omens theme song plays]

C: Hello! My name is Crystal.

G: And my name is Grey.

C: And this is Rubbish and Probably a Podcast, a Good Omens commentary podcast where I, someone who has seen this show too many times…

G: And I, someone who only knows this show through Crystal, discuss every single episode of Good Omens.

C: For today’s episode, we are discussing Season 1, Episode 5: “The Doomsday Option.”

G: Yep. This episode. Lots, lots, lots of buildup. I think it was last episode when I said, "Oh, it's curious that the Apocalypse is going to happen and I bet it's going to be short as hell, and yet we have two episodes left." And now I'm like, "Yeah, we have two episodes left." 'Cause this episode is so- Well, I would say it's nothing. A lot of things happen. But a lot of things also don't happen.

C: I would call it so nothing. I think this is all necessary for the sake of like, building suspense, but there's nothing to discuss for most of it.

G: Yeah. But the things that we do want to discuss, I feel like we will discuss.

C: Yeah, yeah. So like, first ten minutes of the episode, discuss. Rest? I don't know. [G laughs] People are driving places.

G: Who GAF?

C: Who GAF? Also, I'd say that every part of it that's not about building up suspense is about making jokes that are unfunny, partly because I've already seen the jokes, and partly because I just think it's like, millennial humor at the best for most of the show. So yeah.

G: You know what's fascinating, the first time I watched this, I was so entranced, and like, my heart was beating so fast, and I don't know. I was just really into it. And then the second time I watched it, which is this morning, like, I felt a lot for the scenes that, you know, one would feel a lot about. But the rest, I was like, "Who even give a shit?" Like, I don't want to see Shadwell in any way, shape, or form. [C laughs] Why is he here?

C: For fucking real. During my notes rewatch of this, I definitely felt the urge to play 2048 during it [G laughs] in a way that I haven't for any of the Gomens rewatch so far You wanna hit us with the synopsis?

G: Of course, which is a synopsis that we did not do [laughs] in Episode 4. For episode 5, it's "Adam and Them, Crowley, Aziraphale, Shadwell, Tracy, Newton, Anathema, and the Four Horsemen all converge on Tadfield to play their parts in Armageddon."

C: And I suppose they do.

C: Bit misleading, I feel. I mean they do, but like- Yeah, I suppose so.

C: [laughing] Did you want the summary to just be, "First, 'You're My Best Friend' by Queen plays. [G laughs] Then, 'Somebody to Love' plays," and then the rest of the synopsis?

G: For real! Have we considered that he took the book, and it's a souvenir? Have we considered that?!

C: Yeah. We've considered it. It's considered.

G: And we have considered it. Well, we shall start the episode. But before we actually do start the episode, I wanna tell you guys about [laughing] my experience of watching this episode the first time. So me and Crystal are still on the call, and I was like, "You know, Crystal, I understand that every time after we record, we talk about their lives and what's been going on with our weeks, [C laughing] and how, you know, everything is going on."

C: "But this time, I don't GAF."

G: "I do not give a shit about what you watched and what you learned, and blah blah blah! I want to watch Season 1, Episode 5 of Good Omens." So I did while Crystal was still on the call, and literally, it took me, I feel like, ten minutes to even press play because every time I play and I hear the opening notes of "You're My Best Friend," I just pause and start screaming so loud and so raw [C laughing] and like, going like, "I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it!"

C: There was a lot of that.

G: And then I'll hype myself up eventually and be like- I'll be like, "No, I cant do it. Let's press play," and then I press play, and I go, "I can't do it!" So yeah, that was the state of mind I was in the first time I watched it. My god.

C: Yeah. The state of your head. He was your best friend.

G: He was my best friend, and, you know what? They were best friends.

C: And they still are, so, win. We open on- [laughing] Oh, god! Now it's affecting meee! [screams]

G: I can't do it!

C: Anyway. [screams] Okay. Okay. So it's an overhead shot of the Bentley driving through London to Soho, and like, "You're My Best Friend" by Queen is playing, right? But specifically, it opens on the- [screams] Okay. It opens on the lyrics- Well, the verse that goes like, "Ooh, you make me live / Whenever this is cruel to me / [both] I need you to help me forgive." Hello? Hello??

G: Is anyone else-? You know, they really do the budget with the Queen music this episode.

C: Oh, yeah, no, there's like, 4? 5? 5 of them?

G: I think there's- Wait, it's this one, "Somebody to Love-"

C: "Another One Bites the Dust-"

G: "I Love My Car" or "I'm in Love With My Car."

C: Oh, yeah, no, you're right. "I'm in Love With My Car," "Another One Bites the Dust-"

G: Bohemian!

C: "Bohemian Rhapsody," and "We Will Rock You." So yeah, 6.

G: Wait, when's the "We Will Rock You"? Oh, when he was asking for directions. Was it?

C: Yeah. From RP Tyler.

G: Yeah. My god, I love the part with the "Another One Bites the Dust" so much. I love it so much. So important to me. Well, anyway, so that happens.

C: Anyway! So that's playing. Right.

G: Also, I love the way that they do the music here because it is diagetic. I mean, it's supposed to be playing in the car, right? 'Cause he gets out of the car, it stops. And then goes into the shop, it starts again but as a record playing. And it's like, what? Did Crowley just go like, "You know what? [C laughing] You know what's the perfect soundtrack for this moment? 'You Are My Best Friend,' by Queen." And it's like, okay. Sure. Sure, buddy.

C: Yeah. Goddd. [both laughing] Anyway!

G: We need to get through this scene.

C: We've talked about forgiveness being a thing that Aziraphale says in the last two episodes. So yeah. Great choice of the verse to have on. And like, Aziraphale is gone, but Crowley doesn't know yet, but I do think that Crowley- Does Crowley know- Is there a way that Crowley can sense his presence? 'Cause, okay, Crowley's like, definitely got a very grim set to their mouth right now, and I think part of that is just Hastur tipping him off that Hell is aware that he and Aziraphale are allied, but, like, when he goes to the shop, he does not bother looking around very much before he declares that he can't find Aziraphale. So like, is there like, a sense of like, fellow celestial or occult being in the area that they have or? Eh. Whatever. Who knows?

G: Damn. I mean, if that's true, I'm sure they utilize that to hell and back in fanfiction. Good for everyone.

C: Oh, yeah. Yeah. [G laughs]

G: Also because when, you know, Crowley gets to the shop, there's like, "[gasps] Oh my god, it's burning!" you know. There's none of us. It's like, "Well, I'm gonna get out of the car. Gonna get in."

C: That's true. The script describes her expression as- It says, "Crowley is driving towards us, and he's angry, and he's scared, but he's Crowley, so he's trying as hard as he can to play it cool." So maybe it is a "Oh my god, it's burning!" but it's Crowley, so he's trying as hard as he can to play it cool.

G: Oh my god.

C: Yeah. While he's there, he's calling Aziraphale, and there's only three buttons that are pressed, so I'm assuming it's like, recent calls -> Aziraphale -> and then the call button. So that's nice.

G: We are so normal. [laughing]

C: It's- [laughing] They put the sounds of the buttons of the phone being pressed.

G: I can't believe you just said, "Crowley just clicked the phone three times, so that means recent calls." I support that.

C: It could also- Okay, it's that, or it's speed dial, right? In which case the buttons are like, phone app -> the one number that gets to Aziraphale -> and then call, which I also like.

G: Do you think they're each others emergency contact? Is that even a thing? Do you think that's a thing for them? Do they have emergency contacts?

C: If they are in a situation that they consider an emergency, I think having the other one there is the worst thing that could possibly happen-

G: That's true.

C: - given the state of the emergency or whatever it would be, so no, I think they just have each other on speed dial. Or, I mean, Aziraphale wouldn't because he doesn't own a cell phone, so it's just Crowley. What do you think his contact picture for Aziraphale is?

G: Crowley?

C: Yeah.

G: Well, we see it. It's like, a fire thing. That's why I asked you when I was watching, and you were like, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

C: Wait, it's fire? The photo for Aziraphale is just fire? What does that mean?

G: I'm going to send you a screencap of the scene.

C: Are you sure that's not just like, a general background?

G: No, it's not. Because it says "Aziraphale." Here, I'll send it to you. This is it.

C: Wait, that's not- When you call someone, their profile picture isn't the entire background of your call, is it? [both] I don't have an iPhone. Is that how it works?

G: I don't have an iPhone either.

C: I think that's just like, a general background. I don't think that that is the profile.

G: No, I think it is.

C: Really? Wait, whenever you call someone on your iPhone, their profile picture is just like, a giant your entire screen thing that you just have to look at that's obscured by the mute and keypad and such buttons? [G laughing]

G: I think it may be!

C: That sounds horrible! How is anyone supposed to cheat on their wife under these circumstances?

G: Maybe it's like, a magic contact photo that's like- Maybe that's why Crowley isn't surprised when they show up, and the thing is on fire because it's like, the contact phone is on fire, and maybe it like, changes to according to Aziraphale's or the bookshop's status.

C: Maybe?

G: Is that so corny?

C: I don't think that that's his profile picture for Aziraphale. Why would it be? It could- maybe it's default? Hi. Someone with an iPhone, please let us know- When you call someone, when the phone app is open, is the background of the call the contact photo you have of them? Let us know.

Anyway. So he pulls up, right? And while he's driving, we get the rest of the verse, like, "Ooh, you make me live now, honey / Ooh, you make me live," and then there's dialogue next, so it cuts out the "You're the first one / When things turn out bad" 'verse, which could mean nothing, [G laughs] but also means everything to me. And then the dialogue ends, and it cuts back in on, "You know I'll never be lonely / You're my only one / and I love the things," and then it cuts out again, which could also mean nothing, [G laughs] but also mean everything to me. So yeah, she gets out of the car. The firefighter's like, "Do you own this place?" And she goes, "Do I look like I run a bookshop?" and then just rushes inside. [overlapping] Snaps. Door opens, goes back in, snaps the door closed, which seems like a terrible idea for if there's like, a fire, but, like, I guess they just wanted privacy.

G: Yes. Not only is it a terrible idea, but they actually did this. Like, they- I watched the-

C: Yeah, they forced David Tennant to go inside a burning building and then-

G: [overlapping] - closed the door on him.

C: And then get hit with a hose! To the ground! [both laughing] Wearing his sunglasses and his contacts so he can't see a single thing inside a smoky building that's for real burning to the ground!

G: I love how Neil Gaiman was like, "He needs to be inside, and he needs to be burning, and if David Tennant dies, then so be it." Like, I respect that.

C: And it's not even like, "This is the last scene that we'll ever film, so it's okay 9f he dies right now," [G laughs] 'cause the last scene they ever filmed was 1941. Did you know that?

G: Oh, no, I did not know that.

C: Fun fact.

G: Why is that making me feel an emotion? [laughs]

C: 'Cause it's an important scene and it's like, the fact that the culmination of all of Aziraphale's love happens, like, I guess, in Michael's Sheen's face [both laugh] at the end of the rest of it feels like something, even though he's a professional actor so it doesn't actually matter. But anyway, yeah, no, he fully could have killed, like, darling of the Internet, of the stage and screen David Tennant. And, well. I just don't get why- I mean, I know why they burned the entire bookshop down. It's because they thought they weren't gonna make Season 2, and it like, would have been hard to CGI it to look nice, 'cause the CGI in Good Omens looks like shit all the time. But like, wow! Anyway, yep. David Tennant could have died. Didn't. Thanks, man.

Crowley goes inside, and, I mean, he starts screaming and shouting.

G: "Aziraphale!" C: And I can't do it justice. Grey, you wanna try the voice?

G: [laughs] No, I do not. [C laughs]

G: Yells Aziraphale's name a lot. "Where the Heaven are you, you idiot?" And then, "For God- for Satan- for somebody's sake, where are you?" And then, yeah, it's fire all around. Sort of just standing in the middle of the first room of the bookstore, like, looking around frantically and shouting to the sky, and like, not a lot of actual searching due to all the fire and how David Tennant is not immune to flame. [G laughs] And then there's like, a fire hose, and it hits Crowley like, directly in the chest. And she falls to the ground, and there's like, this music that plays that like, goes like, "ah" and like, also "ooh." You know the kind of music that goes "ah" and also "ooh." It's like, think Our Flag Means Death, like, Episode 3 ending, except like, I guess, sadder due to how it's not about meeting the love of your life. The sunglasses get knocked off, and we see their eyes. And it's like, usually, Crowley always has the yellow eyes. But sometimes it's just like a human-sized iris, and then it's like, yellow, and like, the pupils are sort of normal. And then, like, in other moments, it's like, just the entire eye is yellow, and the pupils are like, slitted, and that is the type of eyes that she has right now. He goes, [both] "You've gone." in the most defeated and in pain voice. And then, he goes, "Somebody killed my best friend." Hello?? Is anyone here? Can anyone hear me?! [G laughs] God- I- And this is the first time that he says it, and I think it might be the first time he, like, ever says it, regardless of whether or not we see it.

G: It well may be.

C: It well may be.

G: 'Cause I feel like Crowley would never tell Aziraphale, "You're my best friend".

C: Oh, no.

G: Not directly, of course. And like, Crowley, doesn't talk to anyone about Aziraphale.

C: Yeah, like, he can't. I mean, it's possible that there's like, some people that he talks to about it like, vaguely. I don't know. I feel like it would feel like too much to say out loud, so he wouldn't.

G: She's so mad, so mad, calling whoever is listening "bastards."

C: Yeah, yelling, "Bastards! All of you!" Which, I love that "bastards" is the swear word that Aziraphale wouldn't say last episode, and now Crowley is saying it. Like, yeah, what if they were familiar like my mirror years ago? And okay, what do you think Crowley means by killed? Obviously, discorporated would not have the same effect, but like, does he think that Aziraphale’s fully demon/holy water gone?

G: I think so. Gone. Dead. Yeah.

C: Great.

G: I mean, 'cause- Do we know? Can you just fucking tell me? Like, do we know any way that angels can be killed?

C: Hellfire.

G: Can you repeat that?

C: Hellfire.

G: Hellfire?

C: Yeah.

G: Well, of course he thinks that he's dead! It's on fire!

C: Well, wouldn't he be able to sense the difference between Hellfire and regular fire?

G: I don't know! What's the difference between holy water and non-holy water to someone who's not gonna be killed by it?

C: Fair. Well. Yeah. No wonder. Ahhh.

G: Oh my god! This is suddenly so much more painful! Sorry. [both laugh] There is like- I don't think there is any like, rationally sound way to think that Aziraphale isn't dead in this scene for Crowley.

C: Yeah.

G: We just heard Hastur say, "You and your best friend are in trouble." And then she gets here, and it's on fire, and apparently, Hellfire can kill angels.

C: Yup. Mm-hm. It sure can. [G laughs] Great. Great. I love- I love scenes in media.

G: [laughing] Is anybody else so miserable? [both laughing] We need to get past this scene and some point.

C: Yeah, um, okay, so, I mean, well, Grey, you were incredibly devastated when you heard about this scene last week. Did it live up to expectations?

G: I think so. I think it did.

C: Okay. I could have done with a bit more wailing, but I understand that it's not actually about them.

G: I mean, there were two songs that I knew was going to come up. So it's this one, and then I knew that this was the context. And I knew that "Somebody to Love" was gonna play at some point in the series, but not when, so I didn't know it was this episode. When it did play, I was like, "It's so corny, you guys. It's so corny." [laughing]

C: It is. It's so corny.

G: But the thing is like, it's so corny, and if it was any other show, any other anything, I would be like, "God. That is so corny." But like, in that moment, I was so- They have gotten me so bad. Just like what you said when I told you that I love "We Go Together" by Tennant and Tate in the Much Ado About Nothing bonus clip or bonus song. [C laughs] You were like, "Only a person who have been gotten so bad will say that," and I feel like only a person who have been gotten so bad will say that the "Somebody to Love" music cue is good. And you know what? They fucking got me.

C: Yeah. They sure did. So we end on just like, a shot of Crowley's, like, devastated face, while, like, she's still flat on her ass in the middle of a burning bookshop. And it sort of fades into Adam being creepy.

G: Noo, you didn't even mention the fucking book of prophecies!

C: Oh, yeah! I guess that matters something. Yeah. Right. He notices that the Agnes- The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter is like, on the floor, like, miraculously unburnt, and picks it up.

G: Yeah. Souvenir! The way- Can I just say, the way they say it later, right? "I took it. Souvenir!" And it's like, "This is the one thing that's left," and, I don't know, it's such a fucking- I don't know what the word is. Like, saccharine thing to do? Like, maudlin? What's the other word? It comes from such a place of like, sentimentality, that's it. Like, the world is going to end in maybe a day, maybe a couple of hours even, and the bookshop is burned down, Aziraphale is gone for good. "I'll just take this one book that's been that hasn't been burnt yet, and it will be the only memory I have this place of this angel." And it's like, "Okay. Slay!"

C: I didn't bother noting- when Crowley takes it out, where does he take it out from?

G: On the floor. It's on the floor.

C: He has to reach down to the entire ground to get it?

G: They're seated on the floor. They're on the floor because of the hose.

C: Oh, no, no, no, no! I meant when- in the pub.

G: Ah, in the pub. It was like, right beside him, I think.

C: Wait, [laughing] I actually want to check.

G: Okay. Well, let's watch it. I'm not complaining. [both laughing] Live reaction.

C: It seems to be resting either on the seat beside her or like, on her thigh, basically, as she's sitting.

G: No, it's on his lap! It's on his fucking lap! [laughing]

C: Yeah, okay. Cool. Cool. Great. I love television. [G laughing] God. The enthusiasm drop as soon as that scene ends and we just have to do the rest of the plot is gonna be crazy.

G: I mean, I really like their last interaction this episode. "Leave it to me."

C: Okay, so, Adam's going further evil mode, and his eyes are red, and they're not- Would you call these well-edited? I don't think I would.

G: It's not. The thing about Good Omens is when they do practical effects, they do it pretty magnificently.

C: Yeah. Crowley's eyes look great.

G: But all the CGI is so bad.

C: I mean, I get if the child actor can't really act with red contact lenses in, and also, you want more of a glowing effect and whatever, but like, wow! This looks ugly as shit. He's just telling everyone that blah blah blah, "It's a bad world. We can fix it. And doesn't matter that you three aren't my friends, 'cause I have better friends, and they're coming here, and we're gonna make everything better." And then we get the theme song.

G: So we are back in the bookshop and Crowley- There's this really dramatic pause where it's like, Crowley's just standing there- [laughs]

C: Yeah, in the doorway, like, wreathed in flame.

G: And God goes like, "Crowley had lost the Aziraphale, and the world was ending in a few hours. He was in Hell's bad books, not that Hell has any other kind." And music cue drops.

C: Yeah. I will say a lot of the God narration this episode feels completely useless.

G: Yes, like, why?

C: Some of it's not even in the book. Like, what are we even doing here? Like, I know all those things. I just saw those things happen.

G: Does this happen in the book?

C: Does what happen in the book?

G: You told me a couple eps ago that the TV show kind of diverges

C: I'd say Episode 3 is the largest divergence.

G: Oh, so like, here, it's like, fine.

C: Yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, there's the burning bookshop and the screaming and the getting hit with a hose and being on all fours, hissing, covered in soot. Yeah.

G: God, he needed to be on all fours, hissing, for fucking real. [C laughs]

C: Aziraphale needs to come back so we can walk Crowley around Soho on a leash. Who said that? [both laughing] Anyway! I'll be more respectful to the poor widower. Let's continue.

G: Okay, let's. But no, the music cue drops, and it's "Somebody to Love," but specifically the part where it's like, [singing] "Find me somebody to-" Yeah, so it's the end of the song

C: And yeah, it's soo-

G: It's so corny.

C: Yeah, but it also- it's so good. [G laughs] God!

G: It's pretty good! This portion of the episode is gonna be so unbearable, we're just giggling and twirling our hair. [C giggles]

C: Yeah, the way it goes from the- like, last line of "You're My Best Friend" that we hear is like, the verse about how you'll never be lonely, etc etc, and then it goes right to here, and then, just like, the general vibes of the songs as well, where like, "Somebody to Love" is like, "I am so weary on my feet and desperate, and I just need somebody right now" is- yeah, yeah, that sure is what has been happening. At least, I know both of them are love songs, but I feel just like, if you just looked at the titles, and you looked at that progression of the titles you'd be like, "Oh, this is when Crowley realizes."

G: Do you agree with that? I don't think it is.

C: I don't think it is, but it is something you could think about.

G: It sure is something! Well, Crowley heads out, and you know, wearing the broken glasses, and then when they step out, they remove the glasses, and the song's still playing all throughout this, and they do like, a little bit of like, "I should litter. Should I litter? I'm a demon, I probably should. What the hell."

C: Yeah. “Nobody's keeping score anymore.”

G: And then she gets into the car, and [laughs] This- the- the- the face that is made in this car scene, it fucking gets to me. It's like, this, like, face of just complete like, shock and like, he's just so kind of disoriented and shocked. And he reaches into the compartment, the glove compartment, and we see that there's so many pairs of glasses there.

C: Yeah, there's like, twenty identical sunglasses in there.

G: And then he picks one up. Puts it on.

C: Yeah, uses his teeth to open the- what do you call the sides of glasses?

G: The stems.

C: Really? Okay

G: I don't think that's true. I don't think that's true. No, but it's like the scene goes from Crowley looking disoriented and so so so so out of it due to being so upset to like, kind of like, this anger. And then that's why, when we get to the next scene, and it's like, him crying and lamenting, I was actually quite surprised. I thought it will continue on with the anger thing, and then, when it didn't, I was like, "Ooh. Ooh!"

C: I guess, I don't know, script book fun fact is that there was supposed to be like, sort of like, a big crowd of firemen and policemen outside, and, like, the taking off the sunglasses was like a "he looks at a cop with his snake eyes because he doesn't give a shit about hiding it any more" sort of thing. Yeah, he's just being very messy in front of a large crowd of people on the script, which, I mean pretty fun. Sorry, Crowley.

G: Yeah, sorry Crowley. And we proceed to a person that I do not care for whatsoever, and it's Shadwell. He is shocked, upset, etc, about the demonic possession exorcism thing.

C: He rings the doorbell with his elbow because he's afraid of his thumb. I thought that was fun.

G: Yes, but, you know.

C: Yeah, it's Shadwell.

G: I hate him, so, not funnay! And it isn't. Madame Tracy opens the door, and she guides him to her bedroom.

C: Yeah, or I don't know she sleeps in the same room that she does sex work in, but it's a bedroom.

G: Yeah, in a bedroom. And Shadwell goes to sleep. [both laugh] This is such a no summary summary. But yeah, that's basically what happens. Who give a shit? The important thing here is that Shadwell is in that place when he gets up later.

C: Yeah, he picks up like a pink flogger thing, and he is like, "Oh my god! Where am I?" And then there's the sound of a whip snapping that is the transition to Heaven.

G: To Aziraphale, yeah..

C: Does the set design of the room matter at all? Like, it's all pink and like, the bed is covered and stuffed animals, which, sure, fun, I guess.

G: Why not?

G: So we go to Aziraphale in Heaven, and he has a completely- not completely, I guess, but he has a different outfit. They removed all the tartan.

C: Yeah, it's the same outfit, but everything is completely white, and he looks so washed out and horrible.

G: Yeah. Yeah! And I quite like that detail 'cause- are we supposed to think that, like, those are the ones that are more attached to his corporation? So like, because they're physical, when he got discorporated, those cease to exist? I mean, that can be one way to look at it, but another way to look at it is like, you know, when you go to Heaven, they purposefully wash you out of your personality traits or whatnot.

C: Yeah, but when he's reporting in Heaven in Episode 1, he still his regular clothes, right?

G: Yeah. But this is different. This is different.

C: That's true, because this is not his body.

G: Yeah. Anyway, so that's all for the outfit situation.

C: The quartermaster angel is unfortunately played by the guy who played Anderson in BBC Sherlock, and unfortunately, I do recognize him immediately.

G: I don't even know who the fuck Anderson is, and I think I watched every single episode of that show.

C: He's like, one of the detectives that's like, mean to Sherlock, and it's supposed to prove how everyone who disagrees with Sherlock is a stupid poo-poo head.

G: Is soo schewpid.

C: Sure. Just like that.

G: And he is there, and he is upset that Aziraphale is late. Gives Aziraphale some clothes to change into.

C: At least he's got a great facial hair.

G: Yeah, the sideburns are fun.

C: His beard is in like, a bunch of like, pieces that are sort of like, sticking out. And all the angels, their battle outfits are kilts.

G: Pretty good. And, you know, Aziraphale is kind of doing the whole like, "Oh, I didn't mean to go here yet. I still have to do stuff downstairs." But the quartermaster is all, "Well, you have a whole platoon waiting for you." Which is fun! I think that's fun. Principality, Angel of the Eastern Gate. Principality is like, that's an actual word, right? Like, that's an actual angel classification? C: Yeah. Uh-huh. But Neil Gaiman does not really subscribe to any particular angel hierarchy. Like, I think there's one hierarchy where principalities are like, above archangels, but like, obviously, that's not what he's going for.

G: Yeah, I suppose so. This guy is like, "Wait, your name's Aziraphale? I think we gave you something. You were issued with-" And Aziraphale's like, "Oh, I was issued with a flaming sword, but, you know, it's not my fault." [laughs]

C: "She was having a very bad day!"

G: And she was! Apparently, that's not what the quartermaster is asking, and in fact, he is asking where Aziraphale's body is. We see that Aziraphale looks at his hand, and it's like, transparent-ish. He's like, "Oh, I got discorporated because I wasn't ready when I hopped into the transportation portal." And I think at some point you said we are to assume that Aziraphale [overlapping] has never been discorporated once, and we hear it here. The body is 6000 years old.

C: Yeah, that makes me very emotional. He's had it for 6000 years! And he's been careful about it. I mean, not that careful, but Crowley saves his ass when he's not that careful about it, I guess.

G: Quartermaster's really pissed and calls him like, "You are a pathetic excuse for an angel!" And Aziraphale- I'm so proud of him for this.

C: I know!!!

G: 'Cause, you know, every single time you see him up in Heaven, he is so- Like, you know, with the Tadfield thing, right? Like, he was going to tell Heaven exactly what he wanted to tell them, like, he was preparing for it, and then when he gets to Heaven, it just goes to complete shit because he can't commit to being that assertive or speaking his mind as clearly as he has planned to. But here, he just straight up goes, "Well, I guess I am a pathetic excuse for an angel because I have no intention of [both] fighting in any war." It's so important to me.

C: Yeah, I'm so proud of him!

G: I am proud of him.

C: And the way that, like, he starts like, "I suppose I am, really," like, a little bit sad, but then, like, musters himself up, and then is just like, fully determined and with it on the "I have no intention of fighting in any war." Proud of him.

G: The quartermaster's still going like, "Yeah, just fucking get into place, and I won't say anything about anything and the sword and the body." Aziraphale just goes, "I will return, no matter what." When told that this is ridiculous because he doesn't have a body, the quartermaster goes, "You can't possess, like, people," and Aziraphale goes, "Demons can." [C screams] And, you know, they're made of the same stock. So I suppose if he tried hard enough, he can possess people. I thought this was an interesting conversation, especially because later on, there's, you know, the conversation with Crowley, where they go- was that "probably explode"? What's that? [overlapping] "Pity I can't inhabit yours."

C: Yeah. "Angel, demon, probably explode."

G: [laughs] They need to have one body. Wait, can I say this? I can. I don't know why I'm so shy. They should have possession sex. Definitely.

C: Oh, yeah. Many people on the internet agree with this statement.

G: They should. They can, should, and must. Anyway, Aziraphale goes near the earth, the giant globe in the center of the empty room, and he goes like, "Oh, how do I get this thing to be?" And while the quartermaster is going like, "Get away from it!" he taps it.

C: He taps the UK specifically, I think he's aiming for London or whatever.

G: And he goes, "I'll figure it out as I go," which did make me emo, because they're making it up as they go! [laughs]

C: Oh. Who give a shit about Supernatural?

G: No, but I like the idea of it, you know. They're both angels, and they're both making it up as they go.

C: I'm very, very, very, very proud of him. I hope nothing in Season 2 [G laughs] does anything about this arc without explaining why that happened. Oh, right, and there's the stupid fucking editing on the quartermaster yelling at the other angels, "What are you looking at? Don't you know there's a war on?" but it's like, just his mouth on "Don't you know there's a war on." Weird stuff. Don't think it it did the thing it wanted to do.

We get back to Adam, and it's just the same thing. He's being creepy at them, saying that everything is great, they're gonna restart everything. The kids are crying. and he's telling them to say something, but they can't, because he took their mouths away, and then he says, like, "You have to smile, I can make it happen." And then their mouths come back and they get pulled up in these very straining-the-face smiles. Etc.

Now, we return to Newt and Anathema, and it's so horrible, this life that we live. But this is the aftermath of their having sex.

G: Boo! I hate him so much!

C: And Newt's saying, "That was so great, and also, it was my first time!"

G: I hate him soo much!

C: And Anathema's getting dressed, and she says, "I'd never have known!" in like, a somewhat nice voice, but not that nice. But, you know, this does give me solace because the way she says that implies that it wasn't her first time, which means that she wasn't saving herself for random guy in a prophecy, so maybe she did experiment with girls in college, thank goodness, but she just hasn't fully embraced how she's an aro lesbian yet because of the prophecy. But you know what? She has time. I believe in her. All we have to do is kill Newt first. [G laughs]

G: We need to kill him, no matter what.

C: Yeah, no matter what. Speaking of experimenting with girls in college, they don't mention in the show that she has a PhD at age 19!

G: Aww. Well, that's so sad! Why did they not mention it?

C: Yeah, this is misogyny. Well, I mean, I think the PhD thing was mostly so they could do a bit in the book where it's like, "Oh, the device was actually named after my ancestor, Godfrey Device, who invented a blah blah blah, and my PhD was on inventors that don't really get credit," blah blah blah, but yeah. Whatever. It's cool that she has a PhD at age 19, and it doesn't make her overpowered or whatever. Just mention that she has a PhD! The whole scene, Newt is just like, "Wow, sex is so good. Let's do it again." Blah blah blah.

G: Like, the world is ending, bro!

C: Yeah, Anathema's just like, getting dressed and focused. And like, she's not into him! She isn't!

G: She is not. She's not!

C: Does Neil Gaiman think this is what women act like when they're into you? 'Cause like, it's not. Due to how she's not into him.

G: And like, let's even remove the question of like, "Is she into him or not?" Like, she obviously is not into the idea of having sex right now, you know? She's dressing up, dude! Like, get the fuck out of here. I hate him so much, and I know he brings up some nice points about free will or whatever the fuck, [C laughing] but, like, there are other people who make such amazing points as well, and I don't need him, and I want him to die. [C laughs]

C: Yeah. The matter-of-fact way in which she's getting dressed afterwards and like, not lingering in it at all, it just feels like she was like, "This is something I have to cross off the list 'cause it's on the prophecies."

G: Yeah, like get it over with.

C: None of it's like, "This is something that I really would engage in if it wasn't for the prophecy." And that makes me so sad! Newt's like, "Can we do it again because the world's ending?" Like, does not give a shit about stopping Adam. And Anathema says that Agnes said that they only did it once, and there's like, a joke about a prophecy where she says Newt has a big ol' swangin' dick.

G: I'll bite it off.

C: Huh?

G: [laughs] I said I'll bite it off. [both laughing]

C: And you will to the dick apply pepper spray?

G: Yeah, I will apply pepper spray on it.

C: Yeah. [laughs] Anathema says she doesn't know if she's actually supposed to stop Adam, because Agnes doesn't tell them to, and she can't find the right card with instructions. And this is when Newt does the whole like, "What do you mean? Don't you ever just do things for yourself and see how they turn out?" And Anathema's like, "No, not important things. And also we only have like, an hour left in the entire world, so we gotta go." And Newt says, "You can't let a 400-year-old witch tell you what to do." And Anathema says, "I've spent my whole life trying to figure out what Agnes wanted me to do, and she's never failed me. Sometimes, I fail her." Which, a good line. I liked that line. It makes me wonder what "Sometimes, I fail her," like, means, the extent of it. Like, did Anathema have a teenage angst phase when she was like, "I can't do this anymore. Why did my parents name me this? Why is this happening? I'm just like, taking the car and running away." And then, like, somehow, just, things keep happening that line up with prophecies or things keep happening that stop her from going, and she's just like, crying in the car, defeated, listening to whatever angsty teens at the time listened to? Like, tell me more! Tell me more! Last episode, she said that the prophecies usually have a frequency of once a month, like, that does not give you any time to live your own life.

G: Yeah.

C: Sorry, Anathema.

G: Okay. So now we go to Crowley who is, in fact, in a bar, getting piss-drunk. He starts talking about the Fall, which is such an interesting choice of topic here. Don't you think so? Here she is, last day of the world, whatnot, best friend just died, etc etc. The thing he's lamenting about is the Falling. Why do you think that is?

C: Yeah. it's hard for me to say just because I find no particular interest in narratives about Crowley regretting, like, hating himself for being a demon or whatever.

G: Yeah.

C: I don't think he does. But I think that that the Fall was probably the first moment when he realized that the universe wasn't-

G: Fair?

C: - that there was no justice in the universe or that his idea of justice was not God's. So I guess this makes sense as a like, "The world is so horrible. Curse everyone. I hate everything so much." Like, it would maybe bring you back to the moment when you lost faith.

G: Mm, yeah, okay. Well, what he's saying here is like- Well, before we go into what he's saying here, let's get into how she's saying it, which is, crying. Like, voice is hoarse due to all the crying. And that is so important to me! So important to me!

C: It's so good.

G: So good. I do wonder how- How is this done?

C: Like, acting-wise?

G: Yeah. Do you know?

C: I don't know. He's a very talented voice actor. On Ducktales, even. He can do whatever. [both laugh]

G: This is true! As spoken like someone who truly did watch Ducktales on the plane [C laughing] to hear David Tennant's voice.

Crowley is crying. This is the part where he starts talking and it's that "I never asked to be a demon. Minding my own business one day, and then, lookie here!" I love that part so much. "It's Lucifer and the guys!" [both laughing]

C: God, they're so cute.

G: They go like, "The food hasn't been that good lately."

C: It's also "I didn't have anything on for the rest of that afternoon."

G: "And the next thing I know, I'm doing a million-light-year freestyle dive into a pool of boiling sulfur."

C: Which, I guess, if this isn't exaggeration, like, confirms that the Fall is physical and painful. That's fun.

G: Physical and painful. And also, like, you know, sauntered vaguely downwards, hang around with the wrong people. Sorry, Crowley. Although, I don't know.

C: I think that it would have happened regardless.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. I don't think it's like, "Crowley didn't deserve to Fall as much as the other demons did." I think all of them Fell for unjust reasons.

G: Yeah. Crowley is just there, and, you know, still doing the whole like, crying thing when they see some semblance of Aziraphale. We see it through the reflection in the sunglasses. And Crowley, in the most the voice ever, goes, “Aziraphale?” [laughs] I cannot-

C: It's sickening, it's soo. Like, the voice itself is reaching forward with a hand. It has a hand, and it is grabbing.

G: And then, you know, Crowley is like, "Is that you?" Aziraphale is so cute, sitting there, going, like, "Good question. Not certain. I've never done this before. Can you hear me?" And, you know, Crowley just accepts this immediately, that Aziraphale is here, and it's like-

C: Don't they also do a fun thing where, when they first see him, they lift up their sunglasses to check, and then they like, just let go, and the sunglasses fall back over their eyes?

G: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. After they establish that, you know, "I can hear you," blah blah blah, the first thing Aziraphale asks is, "Did you go to Alpha Centauri?" [C screams] And Crowley goes, "No. I changed my mind. Stuff happened. I lost my best friend." [C screams]

C: And the way- the way she says it. It's like, the whole time it's like, she's trying to hold back tears, and the "I lost my best friend" comes out on a sob. Like [laughs], hello? Also, I think it's just the fact that I'm assuming this is the first place Aziraphale manifested after tapping the globe, right? Because, like, he doesn't even know if Crowley's in London, currently, right? Like he's looking around. He's like, "Does Alpha Centauri just look a lot like a pub in London? Or like, where are we right now?" So like, he was thinking very hard that he needed to get back to Crowley. And that's like, where he ended up. Like, "I tapped the Earth to go to the Earth, but like, I know that I would probably just go to wherever you are, which may not be the Earth."

G: Yeah. Crazy!

C: Crazy!

G: Anyway [laughs], Aziraphale's response to this is a bit of silence, and then, "I'm so sorry to hear it." And, you know, the vibe is very much like, "Chop-chop. I'm so sorry that you're so miserable because you thought I was dead, and also, you called me your best friend! But also, there's so many things that's happening, and so many things that we need to do," and there is, in fact, a lot of things that they need to do. And so Aziraphale proceeds. Says that "Crowley, I need to get back to the bookshop, and I need you to look for a book." Crowley just goes like, "Oh, yeah, your bookshop's gone. I'm so sorry. It burned own."

C: He also rests his, like, cheek on his hand when he's saying it.

G: Yeah! His hand! Yeah. And Aziraphale is like, so quiet and just goes, “All of it?”

C: Yeah.

G: Crowley is like, "Y- y- yeah, wh- what's the book?" And Aziraphale says, "Oh, The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of-" and then Crowley cuts him off and goes, "Agnes Nutter! Yes, I took it! Look!" And then gets the book from his lap, points it up, and starts pointing at it like a little kid, and goes, "Look! Souvenir!" [C screams] I'm going to asplode and die, as you like to say.

C: There's a voice crack on "Agnes Nutter!" that is so important to me.

G: Yeah. He took it! [both] Souvenir! Souve-fucking-nir.

C: Like, they were just gonna hug it as the world ended? Like, that was the plan?

G: [laughing] Yeah.

C: What if we all just died?

G: Aziraphale goes like, "Look inside. I made all the notes. Everything is in there. I worked it all out." Crowley is, you know, looking at the notes, and goes, "Where are you? [overlapping] Wherever you are, I'll come to you." You know, they have the discorporation talk. Aziraphale just goes like, "Oh, I'll meet you at Tadfield Air Base. The world is ending, and that's where it's all going to happen." And that he will be there too, he just needs to find a body. And then, like, I actually don't know how to take the next thing Crowley says.

C: Oh, I know. It made me confused, but no, it's just because Aziraphale goes, “I just need to find a receptive body. Harder than you'd think." Crowley's "I'm not going to go there" is like, [laughs] "I'm not gonna make a sex joke in this circumstance."

G: I mean, that's what I assumed after thinking about it a little bit, but like, it felt very much out of place any way that you think of it.

C: Yeah, no, but it the script also confirms that that's what it was.

G: That's so funny, then, because, like, Aziraphale says this, and Crowley's first thought is, [laughs] "I'm not going to say a sex joke," and then the first thing Aziraphale says is [C laughing], "It's so bad that I can't inhabit your body." And, like, Crowley just goes, "Ooh." "Angel and demon. Probably explode." Literally-

C: I mean... I mean, maybe they would.

G: They would explode. Or asplode, as you like to say so much. You know, I've taken into saying "asplode and die" also.

C: It's a pretty good phrase. Asplode and die!

G: It's pretty good. It ends with Aziraphale disappearing back into the void or whatnot. Before he disappears, he goes, "I'll meet you in Tadfield, but we're both gonna have to get a bit of a wiggle-on!" And Crowley just goes like, "What?" And Aziraphale repeats himself, like, "Tadfield Air Base," but Crowley is just like, "Yeah, but like, wiggle-on?" But, you know, Aziraphale has disappeared, and Crowley, like, throws his arms up in a like, "What?" way. I think it's cute. This scene truly is a scene of all time.

C: Saur Madame Tracy is about to start a seance with like, three people.

G: This scene is so long for no reason.

C: Well, we're cutting to the Horsemen right after that, but you mean the seance scene is so long for no reason?

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah, a lot of this episode, like I said, is just a vehicle to deliver jokes that I never really found that funny.

G: Yeah, me too, I suppose.

C: Miranda Richardson's a great actress and like, she can do it, and she is doing it. But like, it's just not really my thing. So we now see the Four Horsemen convening in a cafe in the UK. You know, Famine goes through customs. Red/War orders four cups of tea, one of them black, and a cheese sandwich. And I think the one of the most annoying things this episode are all the like, just the quips about how the world's gonna end. Like, I know. I'm aware. Like, the waitress is like, "It's hell out there." And War is like, "No, not yet." Like, okay? Like, I know. I'm aware. War and Famine meet up and talk a bit about how it's crazy they've been waiting for so long, and wow, it's only a hundred miles away? Like, it feels like it should have been a bigger deal. Pollution also comes in. I think they're generally like, quite friendly with each other. Last episode, you said you were curious about what they would be like together.

G: Yeah. I mean, it's something, I guess, but I don't know. Towards the end, they do a bit more about this where it's like, War is like, "You know, the war and the nuclear blah blah," and then Pollution going, "But it's not just like that. It's also like, chemicals, whatever." [laughing] And then Famine’s just there, going, "And then there will be winter, and people will be hungry," and it's soo stupid! But yeah. I mean, I think it's fine. I like that they're friendly, I guess.

C: Yeah, I mean, I like their biker outfits, and I like that they all have their own motorcycles, and they're like, styled after them, and that Death’s has like, a ribcage.

G: My favorite look is Famine, I would say. Such a beautiful motorcycle.

C: Yeah. So they're like, “Oh, where's Death?” And then there's been someone like, playing like, this game on a trivia machine the whole time, and this person gets up, and that's him. And they've been all like, friendly and casual with each other, but like, with Death, like, it's clear that he's the leader, and they're all being very reverent. Like, Famine calls him "my lord." They're like, "Okay. Time to ride." And then we return to Madame Tracy's. It's just like, her being a fake psychic and it supposedly being funny. She goes under, but like, it's just like, her sticking her tongue out and moving her head a bit, and connects with her spirit guide, which is a little Irish girl who died at age 9 in 1746. Okay. So the thing about this is that, in the book, her spirit Guide is Geronimo, like, the historical figure, and she's very- she's quite racist about it. She does an accent and bad English for it, and she also says a slur.

G: I don't know who Geronimo is.

C: Oh, he was like, an indigenous American. He was a leader from the Apache people. So yeah. And I was like, "Okay, well." And I think this thing with Colleen O'Leary, like, she is doing some Irish stereotypes, but it's like, it's not as bad, I would say. Like, she does say "begorrah" as Colleen, and apparently that's just like, a word that people say to like, make someone seem more Irish, so yeah, she's doing Irish stereotypes and stuff. So I was like, "Well, I guess it's nice that Neil Gaiman learned," and then I look in the scriptbook, and it says, "In the book, we have Geronimo as her fake spirit guide. I'd like a female voice as it makes the Aziraphale stuff better." So. [laughing] That was the only reason you switched it? [G laughing] That was it, Neil Gaiman? I wanted to give you, like, a singular point, and you spat on it! Some people never learn. They don't learn anything ever.

This is like, barely related, but like, recently, someone on the Tumblr asked him, "Hey, like, do you regret like, a joke you had in the book where you call Crowley's computer 'having the intelligence of an r-slur ant'?" And he was like, "Well, no." I mean, to give him credit, it was more like, "I definitely wouldn't write it today, but it meant something different back then, and it wasn't offensive back then, and I'm now used to the fact that anything I write today will make me seem like a monster in 2060." Like, I don't- Okay, like, the measure of what is offensive or not, I guess, depends on who is in power, like, I don't think that- I think that using- like, even if you were like, "I meant it in the medical way," like, it's still bad to like, say "something is as stupid as a person with an intellectual ability-" "an ant with an intellectual disability." So like, yeah. Whatever. Anyway, so, you know, that's Neil Gaiman for ya.

G: I mean, I want to be clear that like, perhaps even two weeks ago, whenever Crystal was like, "Oh, I hate Neil Gaiman so much it's unreal," I was like, "That's probably for the best." [C laughs] But like, I never really thought about it 'cause I have never read anything that Neil Gaiman has ever said online. Like, I don't know this man at all. Recently [C laughs], I came across some choice Tweets from this man.

C: "I came across"- Midway through watching this episode, during the "the Southern pansy" scene, I got so mad that I went and like, scrubbed back through like, all the Tweets that he's made that have made me angry about him saying that they weren't gay and like, made a little collage on my Google Docs of them and then sent Grey a screenshot.

G: My god, this guy's unbearable! [C laughs] Yeah. I stand by what Crystal said last episode that Neil Gaiman should-

C: Bleeep!

G: But yeah. [both yeah] Bleep! And he should!

C: And he will! Thanks, Will Wood.

G: [laughing] Thanks, Will Wood.

C: Do we explain that? Yeah, Will Wood just has a song called "Memento Mori," and one of the lines in it that repeats a lot is like, what is it? [both] "One day, you're going to die."

G: Yeah. And every time we say, "Oh, I want blank to die, and he will," "Thanks, Will Wood" is what we say. Thanks, Will Wood!

C: Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Will Wood!

So there's just like, bits about how she's a fake psychic. Like, she asks Mr. Scroggie, "Oh, there's a spirit asking for you. Have you ever known anyone named John? Or Tom? Or Steve? Or Dave?" And then the one Dave he knows is alive, so it's very confusing that he's talking from beyond the veil, etc. And Mrs. Ormorod wants to talk to her husband, Ron. And then something comes through, and it's like, I don't know. Just a lot of physical comedy bits. There's like, elephant sounds, and she pants like a dog, and there's like, horn instruments-

G: Farting-

C: - and blah blah blah. And then finally, Aziraphale gets through. And the woman, Mrs. Ormorod, asks, "Hey, is that Ron?"

G: It's Michael Sheen voice.

C: Yeah, it's Michael Sheen voice. He got ADR-ed in. And yeah, she's still insisting that she has to talk to Ron, so he puts Ron through, and I guess this is the only thing we learn about the afterlife for humans. Ron seems very unhappy.

G: Is cold.

C: It's very cold here. He's shivering. I mean, basically, it's just like, she's annoying and talks a lot and is also racist 'cause she's complaining about how her daughter served Korean food at her wedding. The thing that she's saying in the book is, let's see. "Now Ron, you remember, our Eric's littlest, Sybilla, well you wouldn't recognize her now, she's taken up macrame, and our Letitia, you know, our Karen's oldest, she's become a lesbian but that's all right these days and is doing a dissertation on the films of Sergio Leone as seen from a feminist perspective." [G laughs] I don't think- was she racist in the- I don't think she was racist in the book, but I guess Neil Gaiman was like, "Let's swap out the 'Let's swap out the "she's a lesbian, but that's alright these days" with Korean food.'" [laughs] Alright, whatever. I don't know how to make a kimchi and pussy-eating joke, but someone do it for me.

G: Jessi has done it. At some point in a song, Jessi goes, "My kimchi so delicious, need a Michelin," but the dance is like, "It's pussy."

C: Fuck yeah. [laughs] So anyway, basically, he's like, "Blah blah blah, you never let me talk when we were married, so now there's only one thing I wanna say to you, and it's 'Shut up!'" And it's very loud yelling shit, and there's lightning going off blah blah blah. Who give a shit. Aziraphale comes back and Tracy kicks everybody out. And then we go to her making some tea, two cups of tea. So she looks in the mirror, and it's Aziraphale! And he gives her a little wave, and he's so cute.

G: Yeah, this scene. I love it so much. I think constantly about- I don't know, actually, if I've mentioned it in the podcast. I've mentioned it to Crystal, definitely. But one time I was watching a Michael Sheen interview, and somebody commented, "One thing about Michael Sheen is he's so good at playing gay." [both laugh]

C: And he is.

G: And I think about it constantly. And he is! And recently, I sent a Crystal- "I sent a Crystal." [C laughs] I sent Crystal a video that somebody made on the Twitters where, like, they compiled all of Michael Sheen's like, film credits, a scene from every single thing he's been on.

C: But like a two-second clip from each one.

G: And like, what Crystal said was like, it literally is like, "He plays a gay character here. He plays a gay character in this one. And then all the rest are like, boring, boring, boring guy. Boring. Boring guy. Boring guy. Most charismatic, charming, gay man alive. Boring, boring, boring." And it literally is like that.

C: Yeah, it really is.

G: He is so good at playing gay. Good for him.

C: Good for him.

G: When I said this, my next thought was "Mark Gatiss could never," and you know what? [laughs]

C: Yeah, Mark Gatiss really could never.

G: Is that so mean? Is that so mean? He is actually gay.

C: He is actually gay, yes. He also wrote BBC Sherlock. You can say whatever you want about him. [G laughs]

G: You know, recently- Again, I've mentioned this to you. I have no recollection whether it was mentioned in the podcast. But sometime when we started watching Good Omens, I had to watch an episode of Vicious for one of my literature classes. And I didn't know what Vicious was or was about or anything when I watched it. But it starts with this guy talking, and he is like, you know, flamboyant, effeminate, all that. And then I think to myself, "Wait.

Aziraphale acts like this. Is Aziraphale even gay, or do British men really just act like this?" [C laughing] And then another guy shows up, and it's Ian McKellen, and he acts that way, too. And I'm like, "Wow, maybe British men really are just like this all the time." [both laughing] And turns out, Vicious is about, like, these two old gay queens and like, their life. Like, they are gay. And like, Aziraphale is gay. That's my point. He is the Southern pansy.

C: Yeah. Yeah.

G: So Crowley is now in a traffic jam inside of London. And, oh yeah, "Another One Bites the Dust" is playing, kind of in the radio, and then, you know, at choice opportunities in the story, it gets louder and louder and all that. And Crowley's wondering like, "Oh, why is this all happening to me? It's so miserable." And then there's like, a voice, maybe a memory.

C: He's remembering Satan, yeah.

G: Yeah. Crowley remembers Satan from Episode 1 saying, "Oh, what you did with M25 the is a stroke of demonic genius, darling." He realizes that the reason why everything is so traffic is because back in the 70s, Crowley had a very big hand in making the M25. I love this so much. He really was like, "You know what? I'm going to be an architect for the 70s." And they were! So we cut to like, Hell back in the seventies, and you see Crowley-

C: The disco outfit.

G: - same look as the "head of a pin" outfit, yeah. So it's like mustache, long 70s hair, super fun.

C: And all the demons look exactly the same as they've always been.

G: Yes. And the three demons there that we recognize is Hastur, Ligur, and [both] Beelzebub. That's Beelzebub, right? Crowley is going, "So, thanks to three computer hacks, selected bribery," and then, like, a little bit under the breath, going, "and me moving some markers across a field one night," the M25 London Motorway-

C: [laughing] Yeah, we see the flashback of her moving the markers, and it's so fun. And they're wearing the jacket that they wear in the deleted scene with the rats.

G: Yeah! The orange one.

C: So this is just their- I think people call this their "fucking shit up" outfit or their "fucking shit up" jacket.

G: For real. Anyway, the M25, which was supposed to look like, a normal orbital motorway has been turned into the dread Odegra, which means [both] "Hail the great beast, devourer of worlds" in the language of the dark priesthood of ancient Mu. And then she goes, "Can I get a [both] wahoo?" And "Can I hear a wahoo?" is just constantly in my head. Can she literally get a wahoo?

C: Exactly.

G: And, you know, Hastur in the back just raises his hand like, everybody is looking at Crowley like he is the stupidest demon ever.

C: Yeah, everyone boos him at "Can I get the wahoo?"

G: Yeah. [laughs] "Can I hear a wahoo?" and it's just people going, [both] "Booo." Yeah, but, you know, Crowley cannot be shamed into being ashamed of this very wonderful fucking- I cannot place my words, but, you know, he's not- he's not ashamed. He goes like, "Well, you know, once it's built, so many people will just be so mildly annoyed that they're going to be water on a prayer wheel, grinding out an endless fog of low-grade evil." And then finally, Crowley calls on Hastur, and Hastur's question is, [both] "What's a computer?" I love it. And also, throughout this scene, "Another One Bites the Dust" is playing. It's honestly like, the most natural music cue here, I feel. 'Cause like, the best friend one, on the nose, and like, the we have talked about how corny "Somebody to Love" is. And even the ones later seem, at that point, you're like, "Ah, they're really expending the budget on this one." Yeah. [both laugh] They want to spend money so bad it's unreal. But this one, it's like, "Oh, yeah. Hell yeah."

Back in Madame Tracy's place, we see- what the fuck is his name? [both] Shadwell waking up.

C: Book fact is that during the sleep, Shadwell is supposed to have a nightmare about Agnes Nutter's burning where he suddenly realizes how horrible it is to like, die by fire and like, it's supposed to kick off him like, starting to feel bad about being a witchfinder, but that doesn't happen here.

G: Yeah, it doesn't happen. Is it because they wanted to do the joke about like, Adam being a witch?

C: Oh, no, I mean, he still does all the same things, but- I don't know. I guess they just probably thought it wasn't that important?

G: But why? I mean, we don't give a shit about Shadwell, so it's fine.

C: Yeah, it is.

G: Yeah. Shadwell just wakes up, and hears, in the other room, Madame Tracy talking. And then suddenly, the voice changes, and it's Aziraphale going, "Oh, given the circumstances, we need to be extremely flexible."

C: Yup.

G: And Shadwell gets upset at this, storms into the room, but there's just, you know, Madame Tracy in there, and he's goes, "Where is he? Some Southern pansy. I heard him making lewd suggestions." And then Madame Tracy turns around, and her voice changes to Aziraphale's. And Aziraphale goes, [overlapping] "Not just a Southern Pansy, Sergeant. The Southern pansy."

C: He- [laughs] if he's not gay- [G laughing] I-

G: Aziraphale literally goes, "I'm a Southern pansy!" and people are still like, "But he cannot be gay because he's not a man!"

C: People as in Neil Gaiman!

G: You guys have such a limited view of gender!

C: You have such a limited view of gender! [G laughs] It's- I don't. I don't get it. "Not just"- okay, if he was like, "Not a Southern pansy, the Southern pansy" maybe it's like, no, I'm not a Southern pansy, but I'm like, the person you refer to as the Southern pansy. But it's not- "Not just." So he's like- I like- wh- hm? Why- why would he say that if he was not gay? Why would he say it?

G: [laughs] And the thing is like, when I watched this, the first time, that thought did not even cross my mind that this is like- because, like, I don't know. I just like, in my head, Aziraphale is out proudly as a gay man. Like, no question in my head.

C: Yeah! And he is!

G: It's only when Crystal sent me Neil Gaiman's Tweets that I was like, "Wait. What is wrong with Neil Gaiman?" [laughs] And you know what? What is wrong with him.

C: This is in the book, too! What? What does it mean?

G: I do not think a single person who knows what the word "pansy" implies would even think for a second that this is not Aziraphale just being like, "Yeah. Gay as hell."

C: Yeah. What? What? [screams]

G: Yeah.

C: I thought about the scene. I went for a half hour walk, not because of the scene, but I was like, talking about it out loud to myself during that, and then I came back, and then I reread the Tweets, and then I like, DMed Danica for like, an hour about how much I hated Neil Gaiman. [laughs]

Let's see. Which Tweet like- "According to the book, angels and demons are sexless. They don't have genders. I've been very happy to describe it as a love story, because that's what I wrote. I'm not going to describe them as gay men, because whatever they are, they aren't that." Okay, like, okay. [G laughs] That's what you wro-

G: [laughing] You have such a limited view of gender!

C: You wrote [laughing] that Aziraphale said that he was gay, though. Like, the thing that you wrote was Aziraphale saying he was gay. Like, I feel like bringing up Misha Collins [both laugh]- it reduces how Aziraphale said he was gay, but it really does feel like that one ask someone got, like, after Misha Collins uncame out, and someone got an ask that was like, "Oh man, you guys like, jump on everything. Like, what did he even say to make you think he was bisexual?" [G laughing] and the person replied, "He said that he was bisexual." [both laughing] Like, Neil Gaiman's out here like, "What did Aziraphale even say to make you think he was gay?" He said he was gay. [both laughing] That's what he did. He said that he was gay.

G: [laughing] He literally said it, though.

C: And later he says, "Yes, I have the audacity as co-author to say that people see Aziraphale as a gay man and he's not. He's an angel."

G: What does that mean, Neil Gaiman??

C: "The Crowley/Aziraphale relationship doesn't become straight when Aziraphale is Madame Tracy's body, or Crowley's a nanny either. But your headcanon IS valid. For you."

G: God.

C: I mean, yeah, there's another one that's not as relevant, where he just says that "I wouldn't exclude the ideas that they are ace or aromantic or trans." If they- if angels are sexless, and that's why they can't be gay, how can they be trans, Neil Gaiman?

G: [laughing] How can they be trans, Neil Gaiman?

C: [laughing] The only way in which they can be trans is that they choose a gender, and if they choose a gender, and that gender is potentially man, and apparently, you have to be a man to be gay, then maybe, that means that they are gay. And okay, but later, you know, he makes up for it because this is what- This is what precedes the "trans in the Tumblr sense" Tweet. Remember the "trans in the Tumblr sense" Tweet that I told you about?

G: [laughs] Yes. Yes.

C: Yeah. Let me find the the "trans in the Tumblr sense" Tweet. Someone asks about this, right? And he goes, "Trans in the sense I've seen people discussing it on Tumblr that they, particularly Crowley, have reinvented themselves, transitioned from one identity or state of being to another." From what? [laughing] From angel to demon? From what? [both laughing] What do you mean, trans in the Tumblr sense, Neil Gaiman?

G: When Crowley turned from fucking-

C: A snake to a person?

G: - normal sized, normal human sized to the size of an electron [C laughing], that's Crowley being transgender.

C: [laughing] In the sense that he's seen on Tumblr. [G laughing, C screams]

G: [laughing] It's so stupid. I hope Neil Gaiman dies.

C: I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm glad that he did say they ace or aromantic, like, that's fun, but like, I think the thing about all of this is that if he was like, "I'm just gonna write characters who are like, in general queer," which, like, he has used to describe their relationship, which would imply that it describes them, why wouldn't - Like, okay, for example, the Portland Place scene, if you wanted to be a little more accurate to the times, like, there'd be people in drag, and probably like, some of them, even if they wouldn't have called themselves that at the time would be like, trans women, and like, probably some of them would be ace as well and things like, that. But like, he specifically was just like, "These are a bunch of men played by cis man actors wearing suits." You know, if he was like, "Aziraphale's just generally queer," like, why would the only times he associates Aziraphale with queerness be like, specifically about him being a gay man, or like, him, like, connecting with gay men? This isn't even like, a debate argument. It's like, a "Okay, if that was your intention, you should have showed him hanging out with more trans people or something." If that was your intention, you did a bad job at portraying that intention. I would love if Aziraphale was shown to be canonically nonbinary in the show if that's what you're going for, and you're like, "He wouldn't identify as gay because, like, his nonbinariness is important to him, and like, part of that is like, not identifying as gay." Great. Okay. Why not have him find community amongst trans people instead of just having him like, at the Hundred Guineas Club, and then [laughing] calling himself a gay man on screen?

G: Also, like, I hate so much that he was like, "He's not a gay man." That he says, "People see Aziraphale as a gay man, and he's not. [both] He's an angel." What does that even mean? What does that mean?

C: I mean, by that, I think he just means "Angels are inherently sexless," but like it feels weird. Because, like, it makes it like, later, when he says that they could be like, aromantic or ace, which, again, great. Love that. So it's not a "They wouldn't use any modern human labels for their sexuality." It's just like, "They wouldn't be gay? men? 'cause they're sexless." I don't- it's confusing. I'm confused.

G: You have such a limited view of gender, Neil Gaiman.

C: He really really does. He really does.

G: I hate that we keep on quoting that fucking TikTok [C laughs] that uses that as a funny thing, but like, [laughing] literally, he has such a limited view of gender!

C: Yeah, like it's not supposed to be taken seriously. [laughing] It's about how Taylor Swift fucking a man can be a lesbian act, is like, what that TikTok is saying with that sentence [G laughing], but.

G: But he does, though!

C: Ugh. Man. Man. Also, I think recently, I have more into Aziraphale being ace, but like, he can be both! Like, both of things can be true, but Neil Gaiman's like, "No. Uh-uh. No way."

G: Also, like, specifically, last episode you told- you said, like, after you went onto the rant, and you went like, "None of this matters in real life," and blah blah blah, and the thing is, none of it matters in real life because we don't actually like, have angels and demons walking around us, [C laughing] being queer and like, using gay and blah blah blah. But like, I hate Neil Gaiman so much it's unreal-

C: [laughing] And it's affecting my life.

G: - and that matters to me in my life. [both laughing] So yeah.

C: Yeah. [laughing] If you didn't want him to be gay, you shouldn't have written him to be gay. That's what I think. Yeah. "But your headcanon IS valid. For you." I just- the way that he goes back and forth between like, "Oh, the only thing that's canon is the thing that happens on the show, and also book canon and show canon are removed from each other," but, like, he'll also just be on the Internet telling everyone their headcanons are wrong [G laughing] because he has the audacity as co-author-

G: Fuck off!

C: Yeah.

G: Log out, Neil Gaiman! Fucking log out.

C: [laughs] Like, I know that I should also take this advice, [G laughs] but like, he's put me in a Saw trap designed for me specifically, and I will never leave. I will never cut that limb off.

G: Well, basically, after that, Madame Tracy just explains to Shadwell that like, "No, Mr. Aziraphale says that kingdom come is happening, and, you know, apocalypse, blah blah blah. Let's go talk about it." Now we go to Adam.

C: Well, we go to God narrating and saying that Adam has started shaping reality, and the way he's started shaping reality in ways that not even Crowley had expected is that people on the start just chanting, "Hail the great beast, devourer of worlds, again and again." And then the M25 catches on fire.

G: And then they asplode and die.

C: They all asplode and die. This is like, thousands of people who just died here, right? RIP.

G: Yeah. But I am to believe that Adam brings back everyone, like, from before the all the shenanigans happen by the end of next episode? So these people will come alive.

C: Do you think he brings Ligur back?

G: Oh, interesting. Perhaps so.

C: Perhaps so.

G: Ligur and Hastur? They'll be alive.

C: Perhaps so. I mean, Hastur is alive. You just saw him. Oh, well, he got discorporated?

G: Yeah, but he died? Oh, yeah, that's true.

C: It wasn't holy water. He just got discorporated.

G: Because the way I know this is because I googled the Bentley, and it said that Adam brings back the Bentley when he brings back the world as it is. So you know, I'm assuming that involves everyone. But if it just involves like, the people around him at that given moment, [laughs] that would sucks so bad.

C: It would suck pretty bad. I would assume those people come back.

G: Yeah. I'm assuming that's also how the bookshop comes back.

C: Yeah, God says, you know, "The M25, a burning, magical ring of fire surrounding London. Nobody was getting in or out. Crowley had made it. Now, Crowley was trapped inside it." And Crowley sees this. Hot happy about it. Goes, "Okay, well, this is my fault, but like, come on, Tadfield, Tadfield, Tadfield!" And then he pulls over onto the shoulder and starts driving. And here is where I'm going to read page a 170 of my PDF of Good Omens out loud.

So basically, I did not-

G: Oh my god, this is the optimistic part?

C: Yeah, okay. I didn't say anything about how book Crowley would fucking never get drunk in a pub instead of like, being determined. Book Crowley never even wanted to run away to Alpha Centauri. That was something that shit movie script Crowley wanted to do in yeah, in the bad movie script where Crowley's like, a terrible person who hates Earth the entire time-

G: "I don't care about Earth," yeah.

C: - and calls Aziraphale too stupid to live. [G laughing] So book Crowley, imagine, never asked to run away, just like, went home, got the call about Hell, did the holy water thing, ran to Aziraphale’s, saw the bookshop burning, and then got in his car and went, right?

G: Yeah.

C: Okay. So.

"He'd taken the opportunity to reread Aziraphale's notes, and to thumb through Agnes Nutter's prophecies, and to do some serious thinking. His conclusions could be summarized as follows: 1) Armageddon was under way. 2) There was nothing Crowley could do about this. 3) It was going to happen in Tadfield. Or to begin there, at any rate. After that it was going to happen everywhere.

4) Crowley was in Hell's bad books. [Not that Hell has any other kind.]

5) Aziraphale was-as far as could be estimated-out of the equation. 6) All was black, gloomy and awful. There was no light at the end of the tunnel-or if there was, it was an oncoming train. 7) He might just as well find a nice little restaurant and get completely and utterly pissed out of his mind while he waited for the world to end. 8) And yet . . . And that was where it all fell apart. [G sighs] Because, underneath it all, Crowley was an optimist. If there was one rock-hard certainty that had sustained him through the bad times--he thought briefly of the fourteenth century--then it was utter surety that he would come out on top; that the universe would look after him. Okay, so Hell was down on him. So the world was ending. So the Cold War was over and the Great War was starting for real. So the odds against him were higher than a vanload of hippies on a blotterful of Owlsley's Old Original. There was still a chance. It was all a matter of being in the right place at the right time. The right place was Tadfield. He was certain of that; partly from the book, partly from some other sense: in Crowley's mental map of the world, Tadfield was throbbing like a migraine. The right time was getting there before the end of the world. He checked his watch. He had two hours to get to Tadfield, although probably even the normal passage of Time was pretty shaky by now. Crowley tossed the book into the passenger seat. Desperate times, desperate measures: he had maintained the Bentley without a scratch for sixty years. What the hell. He reversed suddenly, causing severe damage to the front of the red Renault 5 behind him, and drove up onto the pavement. He turned on his lights, and sounded his horn. That should give any pedestrians sufficient warning that he was coming. And if they couldn't get out of the way . . . well, it'd all be the same in a couple of hours. Maybe. Probably. "Heigh ho," said Anthony Crowley, and just drove anyway." Ahh! That's my guy!

G: Good Lord. Good Lord.

C: That's my fucking guy. Book Crowley would neever. But, you know, I think show Crowley's getting close to there. So, thanks show Crowley.

G: I like that so much better.

C: Yeah. Yeah.

G: I understand that "I lost my best friend," blah blah blah. [both laughing]

C: Right after you were like, screaming, crying about it half an hour ago? [G laughs] But yes.

G: I like this better. I mean, could have stayed exactly the same, you know. Like, prior to this, everything could have stayed exactly the same. Crowley wanted to run away, blah blah blah. Aziraphale dies. Just take out the pub scene.

C: Yeah. Just the fact that that he was going to sit there and die until Aziraphale was like, "Hey, can you go to Tadfield?" And like, maybe it's just 'cause Crowley didn't have a next step because Aziraphale wouldn't tell him, but like, she knows that Tadfield is where the Antichrist was born, like, and they sent Shadwell there. Like, it's not a huge leap to just go there. Yeah, it is just like, "Aziraphale died, so now I will die also." Like, come on! Come on. Yeah.

G: Yeah. Like, you know, if, you know, if Aziraphale died for this, might as well, you know?

C: Yeah. If you need to make her motivations so Aziraphale-centered because you decide that you were writing a love story, and that made you slightly worse at writing, and more prone to character slander [G laughs], then, I don't know. At least do it as like a "This is what he was fighting for, and thus I will also" thing. Ugh. Ya. And okay, the worst part of it was that the pub scene was originally written to be in St. James's Park, and there wasn't gonna be any alcohol, and Aziraphale was gonna appear as like, a reflection on the water. I feel like the presence of the alcohol makes it so much clearer that it's a giving up thing. Like, if Crowley was just in the park, looking at the water, it could just be like, mourning-

G: Trying to think, yeah.

C: Trying to think, right? Yeah. So like, apparently, but then it was like, Oh, apparently, they couldn't film in St. James's Park at night or whatever was the situation. So then he tried to rewrite it to be in a cafe, but they couldn't get a cafe location to film in. [G laughs] So then he switched it to a pub. So like, there were two iterations of this where Crowley had not basically completely given up, and then, just because of like, logistics, it came out this way. And that's unfortunate to me.

G: Good fucking lord. [laughs] Why did you not send this to me prior to recording?

C: I wanted to hear your live reaction, I guess. [G laughs]

G: I suppose so! Well.

C: I mean, it's the same way I didn't talk about- Well, did you already know about the 1885 Criminal Law Amendment thing?

G: No. When I started crying last episode? [laughs] I know!

C: Yeah, I also didn't tell you about that one 'cause I was like, "I wanna hear Grey's live reaction to this fun little historical fact."

G: So we go to this girl who works at a call center for this insurance company or something, and she, like, you know, keeps on calling people, and they keep on hanging up on her until eventually she ends up calling Anthony Cowwley. And, you know, she calls and goes, "Hello, Mr. Cowwley. We're calling about an accident you had." And then the voice that responds is, in fact, not Crowley. It's Hastur. And Hastur is going like, "Oh, it wasn't an accident, Lisa," and this girl, Lisa, starts being afraid, 'cause how does this guy know my name? And Hastur just goes like, "Oh, I should thank you personally for setting me free and meet your friends," and she, very afraid, goes, "I'm hanging up now." But Hastur goes, "It's too late." And then a little maggot comes out of her mic, and then just, maggot fills up the entire place. When that's all over, all of them like, get swallowed up into Hastur, who's there, and like, we see skeletons in the back. He ate up every fucking body in this room. I love this! It's nice to see some demonic evil.

C: Yeah. Pretty gnarly.

G: Hastur, you know, funny guy. Demon when it counts. Good for him.

C: Yeah.

G: And then we go back to Sergeant Shadwell and the gang. I don't know why I word it like that. It's supposed to be Aziraphale and the gang. But they're talking about the Antichrist, and Aziraphale is like, "We need to kill the Antichrist, and we need you, Shadwell, to do it!"

C: Yeah. It's nice that he's finally like, "Well, I'm not gonna kill a kid, and I'm not gonna make Crowley kill a kid. That was an overstep. This guy seems like he'd be down for it, though." both laugh]

G: God. Shadwell is a bit apprehensive, due to the never having killed anyone before thing. But eventually, Aziraphale is able to convince him and asks if he has weapons.

C: Aziraphale's convinced him by saying that the Antichrist is a witch, and that he's just covered in nipples.

G: My god!

C: And in the script but not in the show, it says that Aziraphale is crossing his fingers under the table as he does this, which is [both laugh], you know, the thing you do to cancel out the fact you're lying.

G: That is so cute.

C: Which I think is so cute. This is the part where in the book, Aziraphale tells Shadwell, like, "'The Antichrist is more than just a witch. He's the witch. He's just about as witchy as you can get.' 'Would he be harder to get rid of than, say, a demon?' asked Shadwell, who had begun to brighten. 'Not much more,' said Aziraphale, who had never done other to get rid of demons than to hint to them very strongly that he, Aziraphale, had some work to be getting on with, and wasn't it getting late? And Crowley had always got the hint." Ah!

G: They literally hang out like, weekly for that to even be a thing

C: Exactly! Exactly. They really do. And, like, Crowley, usually tries to hang out longer, which is very cute.

G: But he always takes the hint!

C: Yeah. He does. He does always take the hint.

G: That's so- [laughs] You know, this week I have become more fond of Crowley than I have ever been throughout watching Good Omens.

C: Yeah. You sent me just "CROWLEYYY" in caps a lot. [laughs]

G: Yeah. I don't know. It's because of that damn fucking AMV that I watched that like, I came across on YouTube shorts.

C: Which one?

G: The "Enchanted." I mentioned it last episode, too.

C: Yeah, you mentioned it last episode. I, honestly, you sent it to me and I watched it but I didn't pay that much attention to it because I just hate when videos crop that way.

G: It made me so sad. Like, I just, I don't know. The pining shit really gets to me, I guess. How is he even able to handle it? I cannot imagine. Like, imagine the only person, only person in your life who has been around as long as you are, like, who you know will be around- Like, you know what I mean? 'Cause like, I'm sure they've had human friends, you know, like he had Leonardo da Vinci. And well, were they friends? You said they were 'cause like, he was talking to Crowley about the painting.

C: Yeah. They were getting drunk together.

G: And, you know, Aziraphale had like, fucking Nostradamus and the people in the clubs and stuff. Yeah. And the thing is like, I'm sure those are genuine connections, blah blah blah. [C laughs] But like, when, you know, those are short bursts of time that you're with those people, and you're always aware that they're going to be gone and you're going to be here forever and ever way after them. And of course there's so many things you can tell them also. So like, by virtue of that, of being a demon and an angel on earth, and also by virtue of the Agreement, like, Crowley and Aziraphale really only have each other. And it makes me so miserable that Crowley is here, and it's like, "This is the only person I can pretty much tell everything to," this one person that you have in your life that theoretically, you can tell everything to, and you also still need to do this fucking dance of like, plausible deniability. [laughs] It makes me feel sick to think about it! Wouldn't it be so lonely? Crowley, weren't you so lonely?

C: Yeah, I know I'm usually Team Crowley, but Aziraphale does have to do the same thing. It is similarly as hard. I feel like he has to do even more of the same thing because he feels that Heaven is watching him a lot more than Crowley thinks that Hell is watching her.

G: No, but I mean, yes, I agree, but like, I guess in my perspective, Aziraphale seems to be better at deluding himself.

C: Yeah, is in so much denial that it doesn't- it's not a sharp pain.

G: Yes. I mean, I've said this to Crystal. Okay, we have gone on so many tangents in this episode. But whatever. Like, in the third episode, what, during the Rome scene, I told Crystal in our DMs, that like, "This reminds me so much of like, that scene in Giovanni's Room where they met in the bar." And like, not even like, sincerely. it's just whenever there's a cute meeting scene in like, some bar setup, the first thing that I think of and like, me and Crystal's shorthand - is that a term? - Like, me, and Crystal's shorthand for when I think, "Oh, this is so sweet" is "This is just like David and Giovanni in the bar." [C laughs] Like, that's just what I say, right?

C: Healthy.

G: So like, when I said that, it wasn't even a sincere thing. It wasn't like, "I'm literally legitimately going, 'This is just like David and Giovanni.'" It's just like, "Oh, it's a cute bar scene," you know. And then, like, I thought about Aziraphale and Crowley some more, and I'm like- I mean, for those who are unfamiliar, Giovanni's Room, beautiful novel by James Baldwin. Talks about many things, as many novels do, but something that I really like about it is how it talks about how what happens when you just don't allow yourself to love sincerely and you don't allow yourself the liberty to feel those feelings, and what it does to you, and what it does to the people around you. And I guess I see Aziraphale as that. As like, the one who has to be like, "Oh, but I'm not of liberty to feel this way." And Crowley feels more of the, you know, collateral damage. I guess to me. To be fair, I've only watched Season 1 up to Season 1, Episode 5, and this is all just happening in my imagination. But do you understand what I'm trying to say?

C: Yeah, yeah. I do.

G: Good fucking lord. How did Crowley do it? How'd you do it, Crowley? How'd you do it? Ah!

C: I think the love built gradually. They were able to like, have breakups and not see each other for thousands of years.

G: That's true!

C: And I don't think that it was like, sickening pining the whole time or whatever the fuck.

G: Yeah. But like, I mean, just think about like, asking someone, "Run away with me" and them just being like, "No. No," like, I don't know. I think about it so much.

C: Yeah, it is a lot. It is very- yeah, "Everything's on the line. I am showing you everything. Like, come on, please." And like, yeah.

G: It's like, you know, like, Crowley's there, like, holding Aziraphale by the shoulder and he's like, "Just- just-" And then Aziraphale, like, the whole time, just being like, "No."

C: Yeah.

G: Horrible. Horrible time.

C: Horrible time.

G: Well, anyway, [laughs] they get the gun. [laughs]

C: Yeah.

G: Yeah. Shadwell brings out a bigass gun.

C: Shadwell is getting ready to kill Shinzo Abe. [G laughs]

G: Literally.

C: It's very much a doohickey. It's a steampunk doohickey. Also, I never got why this joke survives to the show where Shadwell's like, "It can shoot silver bullets," and Aziraphale’s like, "That's for werewolves." That would work on a person too! [G laughing]

G: Just like in Supernatural. [both laughing]

C: But yeah, he decides that he's gonna load it with bricks and kill Adam with bricks, and [laughs] I think that's beautiful.

G: I did some predictions last episode or I don't know which episode it was, but I said that I think Aziraphale will kill this kid.

C: And by kill you mean shoot, yeah.

G: And like, shoot the kid and stuff. Like, the kid won't die, but Aziraphale will try to do it. I think it would be so funny if he like, does shoot Adam, but like, it's not a bullet, it's a fucking brick, [C laughing] so it's just like, "Ow! Owie! Ouch! Yeowch!"

C: So we return to Crowley driving. In a fire, same bad situation. In the book, she had to drive across the River Thames in order to get here, but I think that this did not have to happen to her here. He's rummaging through The Nice and Accurate Prophecies in order to see if there's some kind of a prediction that can help.

G: They go, "Why isn't there an index?" which I thought was so cute because the day before I watched this, I did spend so much time in an index of a book being like, "Why isn't this word in the index?" [laughs] So when Crowley goes, "Why isn't there an index?" I was like, "He's just like me for real."

C: Yeah. Sure is. So someone reaches across the seat next to him, takes off his sunglasses and snaps them in half, and it is Hastur. He says, you know, "You'll never escape London. Nothing can. There's nowhere to run." And "Hell will not forget. Hell will not forgive. You're like, done. Everything's over. You're not gonna get across that." Crowley puts on a Mozart CD that has been in here for less than a fortnight, I suppose, because it remains Mozart. And I think the idea is that the two week mark hits when he's driving across, so it turns into Queen.

G: [laughs] That's so fun.

C: Yeah. He goes, "Let's find out."

G: And then all of Hastur's, like, bravado just completely falls out, and it's like, "Wh- wh- wh-what's happening? Stop this! Stop doing this!" and I think it's so- like, you said last episode that Hastur's actor is so wonderful, but like, he really is. Hastur is so so fun. Crowley starts talking, very spitefully, very- 'cause I mean, pretty much this entire episode so far, we haven't seen Crowley do the voices, or, you know, the fun talky Crowley things because, you know, so many things are happening. She's miserable, she's cryingm she's on fire, whatever. But now, our Crowley is back, and he goes, "You know, the thing I like the best about time is that every day it takes us away from the fourteenth century. [C laughing] I really didn't like the fourteenth century." And it is soo fun. So fun, so wonderful. Hated fourteenth century so much.

C: It really is. I think the generally accepted headcanon is that's because when the Black Death happened in Europe.

G: Ah. So everybody fucking died. Yeah, that's reasonable.

C: Everyone in Europe fucking died. I feel like everyone else was doing alright?

G: Caravaggio's father, and like, pretty much every male figure in his life died when he was like, five from the Black Death, and that's why he had to move back to Caravaggio from Milan. Fun fact! [C laughs] Like, also the historian, Alexander Graham Dixon, kind of like, points out, 'cause like, you know, Caravaggio, known homosexual. No, not so known. I don't know. He's probably bisexual, I don't know. But, like, 'cause many historians prior would be like, "Oh, why is Caravaggio so fucked in the head?" And then, you know, they'll be like, "Oh, it's because he's gay." [both laugh] And like, basically Alexander Graham Dixon goes, "Probably not that. Probably because everybody in his life fucking died when he was five, so." [C laughing] Fun fact!

C: Yeah, that sounds about right.

G: Yeah, hated the fucking fourteenth century. And he's like, just talking up people. He's like, "Ah, people are so clever. They invented cars. They didn't have cars in the fourteenth century." [C laughs] And then, like, beside him, Hastur is just freaking the fuck out because they are now in the fire, like, Crowley is just driving right into the M25,

C: Well, "I'm in Love with My Car" starts playing.

G: Oh, yeah. And [both] Hastur discorporates. But Crowley? Going strong. Going strong, baby. And the explanation given here is that Crowley is currently imagining the car to be just fine and fully functional, despite all the burning everything. And yeah. So, power of the mind, baby! Power of the positive thinking. [both laugh]

C: Yeah. He says, "You are my car. I've had you from new. You are not going to burn." Which is so- I think people have paralleled Aziraphale having his body for 6000 years with Crowley having the Bentley from scratch. And yeah. It's fun. It's fun stuff.

G: I mean, also, you know, we talked extensively in Ep 2 about the plants and stuff, but like, this, pretty- like, it makes sense. This, how Crowley talks to the cars, how he talks to plants, like, good for him.

C: Good for him. Oh, also, like, you know, the eyes. Like, when Hastur first appears, they're like, you know, circle of yellow and white around, and now they're completely yellow again.

G: Yeah, covering the entire eye socket.

C: Yeah, the idea is that he always has to use a little bit of effort to like, keep the yellow within like, a circle iris, and then when he's focusing on other things, it just goes full yellow mode or?

G: You know what? I'm gonna look up "snake eyes how does it work." Maybe it's just, what do you call it when, you know, your eyes do the expanding thing to get more like-

C: Dilating?

G: Yes, maybe it's just doing that.

C: And that includes the iris changing.?

G: No, that's why I'm Googling "how do snake eyes work." Are you sure not a single person has done this analysis?

C: Probably. I just don't remember.

G: I don't think it works like that. Don't think it works like that. It's just a fun visual to have.

C: Yeah, and it makes him look more stressed or whatever.

G: Also, you know what? I was looking at my cat Sumo the other day, and Sumo has pretty much the same color eyes as Crowley, and now, every time I looked at Crowley's eyes, I'm like, "Oh my god! Just like my cat Sumo!"

C: Literally.

G: I think Crowley may well be a cat named Sumo. [C laughs]

C: So we cut to outside, the other end of the M25, and there's like, traffic cops, traffic people, something, there. And they're like, "Nothing's gonna make it through!" and then the Bentley comes charging through the ring of fire, and Crowley zooms past them and waves!

G: Looks ecstatic, too.

C: Yeah, yeah. Having a great time.

G: I mean, it's just so fun to see Crowley from here on out this episode because since Episode 3, I suppose, Crowley has kind of lost a bit of the, you know, cool swagger that she usually possesses, due to all the stress that is on her shoulders. But now, I feel like, I don't know, he's realizing that like, "Maybe it will work out!" or like, just putting his mind into it as like, "Well, it better!" like, how he thinks of the car as like, "You will not fail me." and now she's also thinking like, "This world will not fail me." And that, you know, fun, cool swagger is back, and I enjoy it so much.

C: Yeah. And also, didn't- she said before driving into the fire, "If you're gonna go, go with style." So I think that's part of it too.

G: Yeah! Maybe so.

C: "Well, and even if it doesn't work out, at least I'll look hot as hell doing it."

C: We've returned to Adam, and the Them. He's starting to feel a little bad about taking away their voices, but he still like, shoots up really high into the air above all the trees and shouts for the Four Horsemen to come to him. He tells all his friends that they're gonna have a great time because he's gonna let them rule the world, and he divides up the continents between all of them, and he does so so that everyone else gets all of the world. Pepper, who's had her voice returned her, goes quite scathingly, "But what about you, Adam? What bit are you going to have?" And he says like, "Well, I'll just be here. Same as always. And I don't want to go anywhere else." But the kids are like, "Well, this is also our Hogback Wood, and we don't want to go anywhere." And Adam starts pressing them more. Pepper goes like, "Oh, like, if we don't do what you say, like, where are you going to do? Like, we already are frozen here. We can't leave." And Wensley goes, "Actually, he could kill us." Adam reacts to this in a bit of like, a "Huh? What?" way but like, it's not enough yet. And he goes, "Okay, you know, I've unfrozen you. You can go wherever you want. You can talk. Go ahead, whatever. I don't care." All the kids leave, and Dog leaves with them. Adam starts floating after them, and they keep telling him like, "Hey, go away. Like, we're not your friends anymore. We don't like you." The voices are trying to tell him to let them go and that it doesn't matter, but no, he continues chasing them. He's very angry because he wants Dog back. Pepper goes, you know, "He's not your dog. He's his own dog, and I don't think he likes you anymore." Wensley says the first sentence the character's ever said without "actually" preceding it, which is, "You're really scary, and you aren't our friend." Which, good for him.

G: Wait, what do you mean the the first- what?

C: Haven't you noticed Wensley's, like, verbal tic is that he says "actually" in all of his sentences.

G: Ah. I didn't notice.

C: Like, when all of them are going, he's the one who goes like, "Actually, yes. I'm like, leaving also." So this is like, the first time that he hasn't done it. Brian gets to make a good point that "Oh, you're just gonna destroy the entire world because some adults fucked it up? Like, that's a reason to fix it, not destroy it." The power of rejection saves the day.

G: Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. I said Episode 1, right, like, power of friendship- or episode whatever- "power of friendship will save the day." But really it's- I mean, when I was thinking that, I was thinking, "Oh, Adam's friends and family and whatnot will love him so much."

C: "Oh, we love you. We accept you."

G: "Please be not a bad person." Not "We accept you," but, like, you know, "We know you're better than this" or whatever. But like, really, it's them being like, "Well, you're horrible for this!" [C laughs] and Adam- it's not that they love Adam so much that Adam decides to be better. It's that Adam loves them so much he decides to be better, which I quite like! I guess.

C: Yeah. I agree. It's more interesting than the other way around.

G: Yeah, I like the line when they're going, "We aren't your friends anymore," and Adam goes like, "I don't care!" Like, when they go, "We don't like you," Adam goes, "I don't care," being like, "Well, I mean, you could still not like and still be here," which I thought was so extremely funny. Go Adam. But yeah. Power of rejection saves the day.

C: Slay. Yeah. So he flies into the sky and let's out a really loud [G laughs] scream that- I don't think it works as well as it should, but, you know, whatever.

G: It was kind of goofy.

C: Yeah, there's a whole- there's a bunch of flashes of scenes from his life in the background, and it ends with his mom, saying hi to him when he first appeared in the convent. And then he passes out. He falls down. He passes out on the ground. He looks very normal again.

G: Speaking normally, etc.

C: Yeah. And he wakes up. And I think it's very fun that Brian has a cricket bat, like, raised, ready to knock him out again. But Adam goes, "I- sorry. I don't think I was thinking straight. But I am now." He goes like, "I don't know what I've started exactly, but we have to stop it. We have to- Yeah." And they head back into the village, and he tells them to get their bicycles, meet back here in five minutes. And then, ugh, this part's fucking annoying. Like, they ask Adam like, "Where are we going? Where are we going?" And he just like, walks straight ahead, not looking at them like, [dramatically] "The end of the world. It's not far." Like, first off, trailer line. Trailer line. Secondly, like, what you need to be doing right now is reestablishing like, trust with your friends, and that means you don't say ominous trailer line shit when they ask to be included in your plans.

G: Yeah. I also quite like that Dog hates him too.

C: Oh, yeah. [laughs] He hates his ass.

G: The fucking hellhound was like, "It's too much, you guys." [laughs] And I respect that.

C: There's a line in the book where the hellhound's thinking about returning to Hell and how like, he's gonna miss out on all these fun smells and stuff on Earth, and then it says, "And there were no bitches in Hell either." [both laughing]

G: No bitches.

C: Crazy thing to say. But I mean, I suppose there aren't.

G: Shall we talk about here about like, what you were trying to talk about last episode of what is the political whatever whatever of Adam?

C: Yeah, sure.

G: You know, the thesis statement is really what Brian said of like, just because some people have fucked things up does not mean that you have to destroy it. It just means you have to work on fixing it. does that correlate with what you were saying last episode of "Why is it conspiracy theories?" I don't know.

C: Yeah, shouldn't it be like, the truth that makes him upest.

G: Yeah, this episode feels so far removed from last episode. Don't you feel?

C: Yeah, it does.

G: Like, whatever they were trying to do with Adam feel so different from here and now.

C: It's confusing!

G: I think maybe it's just not written well. [laughs] Have we considered?

C: I think maybe it's not written well. Had 30 years to revise it and still wasn't written that well, this part.

G: So from here on out, we're going to divide the scenes into like, how each party gets to Tadfield. So first the first party to get to Tadfield is the Horsemen. So, you know, we see them riding their bikes, and they end up in Tadfield, and they meet RP Tyler who they asked for directions to the air base, and, you know, they say like, "Oh, the sign must have been blown off, or whatnot." And RP Typer upon - also, why are we supposed to know RP Tyler's name? I think I've seen this guy before talking to Anathema?

C: He introduces himself as neighborhood watch to Anathema last episode or the episode before that.

G: Like, why do you know? Why do you care?

C: Oh, why do I care? Me, specifically?

G: Book? Yeah, yeah.

C: Oh, yeah. I guess he talks a bit more in the book. But he has a name. So I know it.

G: Yeah, I suppose so. Well, you know, they just ask, and it's like a funny bit where RP Tyler sees all these, you know, all these people, and just starts talking like a normal, you know, villager who's like, "Oh, it's this way and that way. Go there, but don't go too far," and stuff like, that, and Famine does a joke of like, "Oh, I don't think I got all that," but Death, who's very serious, just says, "I got it!" and then proceeds. And then, you know, they arrive at the airbase, and there's a soldier over there, and the soldier will meet every single one of these characters. They decide that to get inside they will pretend to be American officers or whatnot. So they get there, they show their ID, and they are let into the air base. Once they get there, we figure out that what they're trying to do is turn on all of the fucking nuclear warheads all over the world.

C: It's very confusing the way it's narrated. God literally says the sentence, "They are taking control of the electricity. [both] All of it." Okay? It's not the electricity that changes what happens on the computer. Like, that's the computer's internal architecture Like, the power source does not do anything.

G: While this was happening, we see all of the light in the world turn off, so like, they're taking control of the electricity of the world-

C: But they're also doing a completely unrelated thing?

G: Yeah.

C: Cool.

G: Yeah. And, you know, when they get into the computer room, there's a bunch of soldiers there, and a guy like, asks for a screwdriver. Death gives the guy a screwdriver, and then, like, they notice that, "Oh, what the fuck are these weird people here?" and then everybody collapses to the ground, which is a parallel to something that happens later with Adam. They have like, conversations about like, how War is like, "Oh, the world will be at war." [C laughs] And then, you know, Pollution was like, "Not only like, war war, but also like, chemical warfare," whatever. And then Famine’s like, “And people will also be hungry.” [C laughing] So stupid!

C: The stupidest line, I think, is when he goes, “No more chickens.”

G: Yeah, like, okay! Whatever. And then we have all over the world like, I think what they show is the US and Russia, right? Specifically? All of their nuclear weapons being turned on, activated, and about to shoot out and kill everyone and everyone else.

C: The next people to get there are Anewthema. So basically, Newt says, "If we just pick a random prophecy, it should help us find where to go." And the one that they pick out says something about like, "a place where the metal bird lands no more" or whatever the fuck. and they realize that it has to be at Tadfield Airbase, and that the communication stuff in there can be used for evil. Yeah. Also, I guess at this point I looked up like, US military bases overseas, 'cause I know there were some in the Philippines, and I know from here that there are some in the UK, but apparently, there's 85 countries that contain US military bases outside of the US. There's only 20 countries in the whole Wikipedia page that have foreign military bases- or like, have military bases located overseas, and, like, the US has them in 85 countries. The one with the second most countries to that is the UK with 32. So like, the US really, really loves having military bases in other countries.

They drive over to the air base and they circle around behind it. Newt's freaking out about how he's going to get shot, jailed, and waterboarded by the soldiers there. And the prophecy that leads them forward says, "Behind the eagle's nest, a great ash hath fallen," and yeah, an ash tree fell over and like, knocked out part of the fence. So they get in through there. In the book, they still did run across a few guards, but, you know, I'm glad that they didn't here 'cause, okay, the two places where they run across guards- First one, they run into one that, like, Anathema knows because she like, met him at the pub or something earlier, and it goes, "A guard was sitting on it, smoking a cigarette. He was black. Newt always felt guilty in the presence of black Americans in case they blamed him for 200 years of slave trading." And then the other thing that happens with a different guard is that Newt tries to use his witchfinder ID to try to get in, to be like, "I'm part of an army." And remember how, when Anathema saw his ID earlier, she was like, "Oh, it says that you should be able to get all the dry kindling that you ask for." So the point that was to set up a joke with the other definition of the word "faggot."

G: [laughing] Oh my god.

C: It goes, "Finally, the guard's probing intellect found a word he thought he recognized. 'What's this here?' he said suspiciously, 'About us got to give you faggots?' 'Oh, we have to have them,' said Newt. 'We burn them.' 'Say what?' 'We burn them.' The guard's face broadened into a grin. [G laughing] And they told him England was soft. 'Right on!' he said." [screams]

G: Okay. [laughing] What is this?

C: Yeah. Yeah.

G: Well, I mean, it is British. It is British. So I don't know.

C: No, I mean, the British use is like, for cigarettes. Like, I think the joke is just that the Witchfinders Army is so old that it uses outdated language about dry kindling. But I just- you can't- You can't keep doing this in your book, Neil Gaiman and then refusing to let anyone be actually gay! Except for, I guess, the daughter or granddaughter of Mrs. Ormorod who's a lesbian but that's alright these days. At least he took it out. But it was in the radio show

G: [laughs] In 2015, baby.

C: Yeah, yeah. Last time I said that "faggot" was in the radio show, they didn't have the birthday- the birthday scene. They had this scene for their honorary f-slur scene of the radio show.

And then they start heading inside. Newt says like, some dumb thing about how like, "Oh, like, good job, Dick Turpin," and Anathema's like, "You really do call your car that. I bet you're hoping one day someone's gonna ask you why!" And she steps closer, and then she does not ask him why, so at least there's that. And she starts like, moving forward with determination, and the script describes her as like, "This is like, the witchiest that she has to get." She points out the direction for them to go, and she says she knows, "Because everything in my life, everything Agnes wrote down on that book 400 years ago. Everything is all leading me here. Now. With you. I know." I'm not really clear where they're going with Anathema and fate in this episode, but I guess it's mostly just for plot.

G: I don't think they will be focusing on Anathema a lot next episode. I hope they do a little bit. I a little bit doubt it, but I don't know. I guess I'll wait next episode to figure out what the hell they're trying to do with her and fate.

C: Yeah.

G: Well, the next party to arrive is Aziraphale who is, you know, in Madame Tracy and Shadwell. And the way they do this is they ride a motorcycle that is so slow it's unreal,

and, you know, Aziraphale's like, "Hey, can we get this on a little faster?" And, you know, Madame Tracy is like, "Only a miracle will get us to ten miles per hour!" or whatever. And Aziraphale's like, "Oh, yes! A miracle." So basically, he miracles them to fly to the air base.

C: Yeah. But he still uses his turn signal.

G: Yeah, so cute.

C: Yeah, he needs to pull into the driveway of his and Crowley's Southwestern ranch-style house on a new Kawasaki. [G exclaims] Did I take your joke?

G: I mean, you didn't take my joke because I wasn't gonna mention it because, you know, it's a different vibe, and I was like, "I do sincerely believe that he should, very much so, roar into the driveway of their Southwestern ranch-style house in a new Kawasaki, [overlapping] all yellow and background, fresh out of the showroom!" [both] Yeah.

C: When you were first discussing this song for them, and you were like, "And then Crowley's on the Kawasaki," and I'm like, "No, I think it would be Aziraphale." And you were like, "Really? But I feel- Wouldn't he be too scared? 'Cause it'd go too fast?"

G: Yeah 'cause I said- I told you, Crystal, like, "Oh, but Aziraphale's gonna be a bit scared to ride a motorcycle, do you think?" And you were like, "Well, he can miraculously elevate it a little bit." [C laughs] And I was like, "Okay, I'll take it. Aziraphale will roar into the driveway of their Southwestern ranch-style house on a new Kawasaki, all yellow and black, fresh out of the showroom." Also, I just love that fucking visual of the second verse of that song on them so bad.

C: Which part? The warm desert air part?

G: The "I hop on back of the bike, wrap my arms around you, and I sank my face into your hair, and then I inhaled as deeply as I possibly could take, and you were sweet and delicious, like the warm desert air"! God, is anybody else longing for, dot dot dot?

C: [laughs] Sure, man.

G: Watching- honestly, like, recently, watching Good Omens, watching Much Ado About Nothing- I watched When Harry Met Sally earlier today-

C: You rewatched it, yeah.

G: I don't know. It's ruining my life a little bit.

C: It really does give you unrealistic expectations about love. [G laughs]

G: Yes. Well, anyway, they arrive there, and then, you know, the guard won't let them in, and then we'll get to what happens next when Crystal talks about how Crowley gets there.

C: Yeah. So we have Crowley and he comes in on “We Will Rock You” by Queen. Her car's on fire, and RP Tyler is there, and Crowley is like, "Hey, can I- How's it goin'? Can I get some directions? 'Cause I think maybe a signpost blew down or something."

G: I have a question. Aside from Mary Loquacious, who does know who Crowley is, have we ever seen Crowley speak to a human being?

C: Well, he talked to the bartender earlier?

G: Not really. This is the first time he has an actual conversation with a human being, right?

C: Maybe.

G: Yeah. Have we seen Aziraphale? Well, with Madame Tracy, I suppose, and Shadwell.

C: Oh, well, Crowley has a conversation with Shadwell. He has a conversation with all those people in Soho.

G: Oh yeah! Huh. I don't know. I was just wondering, because, like, I feel like, in this scene, he is so polite. So polite.

C: Oh, yes.

G: I'd see him on the street. He'd ask me, "Hey, do you know where the thing is?" And I would be so charmed by this polite young man [C laughing] who is 40 or 50 years old. You know?

C: No, absolutely.

G: I don't know. So wonderful.

C: Yeah, no. He goes, "Excuse me. Sorry to bother you."

G: Yeah! And his car is on fire.

C: He is burning, his eyes are snake eyes, and he's like, "I've gotten a little bit lost. Do you know where Tadfield Airbase is?" They do like, a freeze frame humor moment where it's like, RP Tyler just wants to yell, "Your car is on fire," but he can't, because it'd be awkward, because obviously Crowley knows, so gives her directions. And it keeps going back and forth about how much he just wants to say, "Your car is on fire." And Crowley goes like, “Right. Got it. Terrific.” which is so cute, and starts heading out. RP Tyler goes, "Young man?" And Crowley goes, “Yes.” and then backs off and goes, "Very unusual weather for the time of year." Crowley goes, "I'm afraid I hadn't noticed." And then, finally, RP Tyler yells after him, "That's probably because your stupid car is on fire!" Ah. Crowley's so cute. Crowley's so so so so cute.

G: I am of the belief that they will be talking to more humans next season due to the lesbian fanfiction. The shipper lesbians.

C: I hate Neil Gaiman. I hate, hate, hate Neil Gaiman.

Basically, at the air base, did you already talk about how the guard wouldn't let Madame Tracy and Shadwell in? The guard isn't letting them in. Aziraphale and Madame Tracy are interrupting each other like, and not helping. And then the Bentley pulls around the corner, on fire. [G screams] "Bohemian Rhapsody" is blaring, and it's the "So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye" part, and Crowley comes out and goes, "You wouldn't get that sort of performance out of a modern car." She is a bit more of a loser failgirl in the script. She's supposed to fall down when she gets out and then have to get up again. But here, he's just like, cool. Aziraphale's voice is sort of shaky/hopeful/happy when he goes like, "Crowley?" And Crowley goes, “Hey, Aziraphale. I see you found a ride. Nice dress. Suits you.” [G screams] And Aziraphale's quite flattered. He does like a "Ah!" I couldn't tell if it was Aziraphale voice or Madame Tracy voice? I think it was Aziraphale voice.

G: No, it was Aziraphale voice, yeah.

C: God bless! Aziraphale goes, "This young man won't let us in."

G: And then Crowley just, like, super cool swag guy, just like, turns and goes, "Leave it to me." [C laughs] And then they go to the guard and goes, "Army human." [both laughing] "Army human, my friend and I have come a long way," and then, you know. Adam and the Them show up. We like, skipped a scene with Adam and friends where they like, are talking to RP Tyler, too. It doesn't matter. But, you know, it happens.

C: Yeah. The whole, "Oh, we're going to the air base, if that's all right with you. We wouldn't go to the air base if it wasn't all right with you." Just them snarking off at him, 'cause he's being annoying. They get the gate open through the power of Adam's mind and ride in with their bikes. Speaking of bikes, did you notice that Adam has a bike with a basket and he has put Dog inside the basket.

G: Yeah, Dog. Dog's in it. Yeah!

C: Yeah, which is very cute. And then we see Pepper’s bike, and it doesn't have a basket. And you recall in Episode 1 when she was complaining about how she got a bike, and it was a girl's bike with a basket, and she hated it. So I guess the implication is that they swapped bikes, which is nice.

G: Ooh! Yeah. That's sweet! I like that.

G: Adam is now inside the base, and they're just- all four of them are just standing in front of the building where the- what's that? Where the grownups - where the Horsemen are. And like, there's some choice imagery with the bikes and the parking where it's like, "Oh, they parked like, the same way the Horsemen parked," and all that, and it's, you know, it's like, "Horsemen are on motorbikes, and they're on bike bikes." There's, you know, Adam's there, and they're all looking up at the thing, and Pepper asks, like, "Do you know these people? Are they grownups?" And Adam just goes, "Yeah, they're grownups," which I find- I don't know. I like that question. "Are they grownups?" And they are. So suddenly, a bunch of military personnel come out and are like, pointing guns at these kids and asking them what the hell they're thinking, this is military property. And Adam just goes, “I think you all need to go to sleep now.” They all collapse on the floor, which, as I've said earlier, is a parallel to the whole Death making everyone die. Adam shouts, “I'm here!” and the Horsemen, you know, go, “Oh, he's here! Everything ends now. Time is over.”

C: Yup. And that's episode.

G: That's the end of the episode.

G: When it ended, I felt the same way I felt when I watched- what is it? Across the Spider-Verse? 'Cause like, for some reason, I didn't realize that it wasn't gonna start this episode. I was like, "It's just gonna keep on going. And then the Apocalypse is gonna happen." And then I was like, "Oh no! I have to wait a week!" So horrible.

C: Yeah. Yeah. But as soon as we hang up, you can watch it.

G: Yes, we can. I can. Is it gonna be horrible? I don't think it's gonna be horrible. I don't think it would have made you feel, you know, the feelings that you felt if it was horrible.

C: I would say, there was not gonna be a Season 2, so it concludes as its own story.

G: It wraps up. My god. I'm looking at the episode list right now, like, I can click on it right now, and it will start. But alas! I am, instead, staring at Michael Sheen and David Tennant's face on the poster.

C: Yeah. Alright. What'd you think about this episode?

G: Boring! Except when it's not.

C: Yeah. Boring. I called it a nothing episode, and it sort of is.

G: It well may be.

C: It well may be. Are we doing gayest moment?

G: We're gonna go gayest moment?

C: Sure. Gayest moment?

G: I don't know.

C: The whole pop scene did happen.

G: Yeah, I guess so. I think maybe- I mean, the music cue of "Somebody to Love."

C: Oh, yes.

G: It is. It is. It's the corniest, tackiest, gayest thing to happen this episode. [C laughs]

C: Sure is. I think I really like the music cue when Crowley got hit with that hose. Yeah, I feel like it is very clearly the like, "All is lost" blah blah blah sort of thing. And it's 'cause they're in wuv.

G: Yeah. Most transgender moment. It's weird, because Aziraphale possesses a woman this episode-

C: And it's not trans at all. Not at all, yeah. Zero.

G: - but I don't feel like that is. [laughs] "Trans in the Tumblr sense." Jesus Christ.

C: [laughing] Shut up!

G: You know what? The M25 was transgender in the Tumblr sense. [C laughing]

C: It transformed from being not on fire to on fire. [both laughing]

G: The M25 was transgender for not being the Odegra in the first draft, [C laughing] and then being the Odegra when it was finally built.

C: Literally. I think Crowley was very trans for driving across the M25 while on fire and holding everything together with the power of his imagination. I don't have a reason. I just think it was really trans of him.

G: Yeah. I think Crowley going, "Leave it to me" was very transgender, too.

C: Real.

G: Predictions!

C: Yeah, the last shot you have. Any new ones? Any ones you want to take back or revise?

G: No, I still want Aziraphale to shoot that kid so bad.

C: With a brick, even

G: With a brick! Yeah. In the in the page where I watch- [laughs] In the completely legal site where I watch Good Omens, there's a cast list, and the cast list goes like this: “Michael Sheen, David Tennant, John Hamm, Michael McKean, Benedict Cumberbatch.”

C: Why is he that high up?

G: I don't know. I don't know who Michael McKean is.

C: Oh, he played Shadwell.

G: I know the first three, and then Michael Mckean. And then I was like, "Benedict Cumberbatch. What role does he play?" And I asked Crystal this, and Crystal just goes, "Uh, he doesn't show up yet." And I was like, "Is he gonna be Satan?" And Crystal goes, "Uhh," [C laughs] so yeah, I think Benedict Cumberbatch is gonna be Satan so bad it's unreal. That's my only prediction.

C: Yeah.

G: Well, I guess also that Satan will show up. Which, I mean, yeah. What else can I predict? I don't know. They're gonna be- I mean, it's gonna end with a- What's the bird that you keep on fucking talking about?

C: The nightingale.

G: The nightingale. It's gonna end with a scene where there are nightingales singing or whatever, which I assume is a good memory, because Crowley brings it up [C hissing] when they have divorce, so.

C: Yeah. Well. Great.

G: [laughs] Those are my predictions.

C: Personal rating? 6 out of 10. 5.5? 6?

G: 7.

C: 5.5? Don't know.

G: I'll go with 6. I'll go with 6.

C: Yeah, I mean- no, I need to leave the 5s and under for for Season 2. 6!

C: That’s it for this week’s episode of Rubbish and Probably a Podcast. Next time, we will be talking about Season 1, Episode 6: "The First Day of the Rest of Their Lives"? Did I get that one?

G: No, it's "The Very Last Day."

C: Sorry, "The Very Last Day of the Rest of Their Lives."

G: Which is an interesting title.

C: Yeah.

C: Leave us a rating or a review wherever you get your podcasts.

G: Follow us on social media! We interact through the accounts set up for our Supernatural commentary podcast, Busty Asian Beauties. So catch us on Tumblr. We are at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com and email us at [email protected]. I would like to say that we have been receiving quite a lot of asks and emails and stuff-

C: It makes me very happy.

G: - and it's so wonderful. Makes us so happy. Thank you so much for listening to us and for interacting with us on our social medias.

C: Yeah. And thanks to everyone who’s donated to our Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod! See you guys next time! Bye!

G: Bye!

[theme song]

G: Wait, I'm going to finish this congee that I'm eating.

C: Slay.

G: You know, this congee has century egg.

C: Oh hell yeah! Wait, does it also have like, pork in it?

G: No, mushrooms. Mushrooms and century egg.

C: Okay. Good combo.

G: Century egg is so wonderful. I watched a video once of like, American guys, like white guys, eating it, and they were like, “Eugh!” And I was like, “You will never understand the bond between me and century eggs!” [C laughing]

C: For fucking real.

[beep]

C: They let him be Scottish! [G laughing] It's a rare treat.

G: Like, your only two choices are Much Ado About Nothing (2011), or Ducktales. [C laughing] What other pieces of media is David Tennant Scottish in.

C: I think he's Scottish in Broadchurch.

G: Broadchurch. I've been meaning to watch it, but probably not.

C: Eh. I mean, it is a cop show.

G: Is that it?

C: Oh, I mean, I've not touched the majority of his repertoire, so I wouldn't know.

G: Yeah, that's true. Scrolling through the David Tennant IMDb or whatnot, the thing that I found most fascinating is that he's in the Adele Night to Remember movie concert-

C: Yes! As an audience member.

G: [both laughing] As an audience member of the Adele concert, and I love it so so much.

C: Well, maybe he’s Scottish in the Love’s Labour’s Lost that’s in a fucking archive in London, and one day I will go there, and I will take it for the world to be able to see.

G: You guys will not believe the amount of like, me asking people to email libraries [both laughing] to get specific archived David Tennant footages of plays.

C: And the David Tennant Romeo & Juliet. Please! If anyone-

G: Can you just fucking give it to us, you guys?

C: If anyone's an employee of- I forgot the library.

G: The British something something library.

C: But whatever archive holds everything that the Royal Shakespeare Company films like, for, their own personal keeping. If you just wanna leak that over my way, [G laughs] I'm- I'm here.

G: If you want to send it to us through email at [email protected], we would be very happy.

C: Yeah! Yeah. Just a thought.

#transcript #rubbishpod

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briarcrawford · 2 years

Text

🌳 5 Tips for Writing About Forests

1. Hunting is Not Always Successful.

This is especially true if your character is on the run. Even if your character has hunted their entire life, they will have the odd day where a hunt does not go the way they want. Today’s hunters have modern technology and often sit in tree stands all day waiting, and even then hunts still don’t always go as planned.

2. Altitude Sickness Can Happen.

Getting altitude sickness is actually a very common problem. If you live your whole life at a certain altitude, and then suddenly decide to climb a very tall mountain, you could get very sick.

There are three levels of altitude sickness: Acute mountain sickness (AMS) is the mildest form, and it’s very common. The symptoms can feel like a hangover — dizziness, headache, muscle aches, nausea. High-altitude pulmonary edema (HAPE) is a buildup of fluid in the lungs that can be very dangerous and even life-threatening. This is the most common cause of death from altitude sickness. High-altitude cerebral edema (HACE) is the most severe form of altitude sickness and happens when there’s fluid in the brain. It, too, is life-threatening, and you need to seek medical attention right away. “Altitude Sickness: What to Know” by WebMD

3. Altitude Affects Fires.

Fire needs oxygen, and since oxygen is thinner in places of higher altitudes, the higher you go, the harder it is to light fires.

With a flint-and-steel at high altitude, it can sometimes take an extended amount of time to get a fire going. For a friction fire, it might take hours.

4. Sleeping Under the Stars Can Be Awful.

It’s a romantic thought used in pretty much every adventure-fantasy novel written, but in real life it can lead to you being miserable. Even if it does not rain, you could wake soaked through with morning dew. Instead, look up shelters like lean-to’s, A-frames, and snow-shelters for your characters. Even a tent might be an option.

5. Water is Not Always Safe to Drink.

Just because you find water does not mean it is safe to drink. In a real-life survival situation, you will want to filter the water and boil it before drinking. I have read books where a character just drinks from a pond or stream, and nothing happens to them. Sure., there is a chance that you could get lucky and be ok with that, but there is also a huge chance you could get very ill from it.

#writing #write #writer #author #fantasy #fantasy writing #how to #writerscommunity #forests #WritingForests #WorldbuildingNature

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thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 3 years

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What would a cw adaptation of Harry Potter look like?

Having not watched too many cw shows myself (I just hear about their nonsense), I phoned @therealvinelle who made the poor life choices of having watched much more of The Vampire Diaries than I have and watching any Supernatural.

The following is her beautiful response:

So for starters, we merge Snape and Tom's characters. This is because Snape isn't hot, and because Tom needs to be near the kids. Tom still looks like Tom Riddle, and he's a teacher who seduces Hermione. At no point are any thoughts about the fact that he's a teacher sleeping with a student had

Harry is a blond now, and he's also dating Hermione. A love triangle ensues, one where Tom will hover sexily but dangerously in empty classrooms and make vague threats that Hermione find very sexually arousing.

The love triangle is the focal point of this show.

Voldemort is Tom's evil alter ego, who killed Harry's parents over that prophecy. He wants to kill Harry as well, but it's not the season finale yet so he's not actually doing anything about it. Too busy seducing Hermione.

Instead he just does vaguely sinister things, like release a basilisk that Harry heroically saves Hermione from.

He every so often has charged conversations with McGonagall (Who has been aged down and is in her thirties. She's still considered ancient), implying they had an affair once.

Harry and Hermione piece together that Tom and Voldemort aRe ThE sAmE pErSoN.

(Piece together meaning that Dumbledore, who only appeared in the second half of the first season and the show never bothers to clarify what his job actually is, gets a focal episode where he tells them the story of Tom Riddle through flashbacks. Terrible flashback wigs and costumes galore.)

Tom will later, in season 3 where he goes full woobie and we learn that none of his evil deeds were ever his fault, reveal that there's more to the story. That orphanage he grew up in? It was a special school for muggle-borns where they trained a future wizarding militia. Tom was the only one who broke free of their oppressive regime. The other children... GREW UP TO BECOME THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX.

But I'm skipping how season 1 ended. The answer is that Hermione disavowed Tom in the season 1 finale since he was evil, he was too sexy bad boy to care except subtle wigglings of his eyebrow told the captive Tomione-shipping audience that he did in fact care. Harmione shippers think they're all delusional. She then jumped into Harry's arms.

Which was poor decision making on her end, because in season 2 Harry joins the dark side. This lasts for half a season, mostly because the arc featured so much filler. Tom, who was imprisoned in season 1, becomes Hermione's supportive pen pal through this ordeal and she starts to wonder if maybe there's good in him after all.

Sirius Black is introduced, he's a lawyer living in the Muggle world and he was in love with Lily. We get a flashback showing us how sad Sirius was when she married James, and there is buildup for an arc where Harry's paternity will be questioned. This arc is scrapped, and Sirius is written out of the show altogether, never to be mentioned again.

Ginny gets pregnant by Neville. Neville dies tragically shortly afterwards, killed by Harry because Harry is a dark wizard now. This is actually the spinoff door episode to the new show the CW is trying to launch, "The Weasleys".

Neville's death has no real consequences, Harry returns to the light and is forgiven in time to become the child's godfather.

Oh, and can't believe I forgot: they've all been aged up to 17.

End of season 2, Tom escapes prison.

Season 3, we get the whole "DUMBLEDORE is the real villain!" arc. Tom killing Harry's parents in season 1 is forgotten, the show doesn't outright retcon it but it doesn't want the viewers to remember it either.

Hermione is once again in a love triangle, only this time Tom and Harry have both done bad things (but we'll only bring up the 2 bad things Harry did (killed Neville and said a mean thing to Hermione) and none of the 282985204592 bad things Tom did) so Hermione has a hard time.

Hermione also discovers that she's a uniquely powerful witch. She has the power to make windows shatter, candles flicker, and wind blow all about. Everyone is frightfully impressed with this.

Mid-season 3 finale, Dumbledore destroys Tom's body. It's terribly dramatic, but then turns out to only be a mild inconvenience as he is resurrected four episodes later. He's resurrected by Hermione's window shattering powering, she closed her eyes very intensely and bam, he's back.

We learn about the horcruxes, which by themselves are shockingly similar to the horcruxes of the original books. The big change, however, is that this Tom didn't know he had horcruxes, those evil bastards at the orphanage split his soul in the night through ominous rituals (another flashback here). He has no idea where this other half of his soul is.

Season finale, we learn that Hermione is in fact his horcrux. This is why they had so much in common (they don't have anything in common) and why she got through his bad boy persona (he hasn't been a bad boy since season 1!). They were soulmates this whole time!

Harry despairs in the face of this, and he and Hermione have a teary conversation where she confirms that yes, the Tomione shippers won.

He also has a pleasant conversation with Tom, as a bromance has bloomed between the two.

Alas. The episode ends on a cliffhanger, as the door flings open dramatically. Dumbledore walks in, bearing proof that Tom made an Unbreakable Vow to always serve the Order, a Vow that was obliviated from him. He drags Tom kicking and screaming away from a crying Hermione, the season ends with her resolve to find a way to save him.

(Sorry, I'm on a roll here)

Season 4, a year later. Harry and Hermione have been searching ever since Tom disappeared. They've become closer than ever, but apart from three or four moments of extreme sexual tension per episode, Hermione is Faithful™

News of Tom's terrorist actions as an Order member reach them with regular intervals. Hermione remains convinced that he's being forced to do all this and doesn't actually want to hurt anybody, Harry's not so sure.

They catch up to him in Minneapolis (did I mention this entire show takes place in the states? All the actors are American.) and he tells them to stop trying to save him. Hermione, devastated, takes this to mean he never loved her, he was only ever a psychopath playing with her feelings. She tells him as much, and Tom confirms, yeah, he's a cold-hearted son of a bitch (Harry's favorite insult for him).

They break up, and Hermione gets back with Harry. They return to their home city in North Dakota.

At the very end of that same episode, Tom is able to visit Harry for 15 seconds in the form of a specter and very dramatically tell him how he does love Hermione but he's not good for her, better to make a clean break, yada yada. DON'T LOOK FOR ME.

Harry agrees, sure no problem, he can do that. Just one noble bro to another.

Tom nods, thanks for having sex with my girl while I rot in hell, bro.

It is in this same season premier episode that the show introduces the Blacks. Remember Sirius Black? Yeah, this is sexy family.

They become instant fan favorites, and one of them is shipped with Tom (the fans now hate both Harry and Hermione).

Pandering as always, the show lets said character run into Tom. And it's not Bellatrix, oh no. It's Athena, a CW original Black. She's indistinguishable from the original Bellatrix and it's unclear why she's not just Bellatrix.

Tom is ordered to kill her, but they have a moment of truly intense eye contact so he only injures her (the killing curse doesn't exist in this show. Don't ask how Harry got his scar. No really, don't ask, the show never explained it). Shippers go wild.

Tom is eventually able to break free of the Unbreakable Vow through the power of true love (book fans are sobbing, this show gets nothing right), and he returns to Hermione, begs her to take him back. She rebuffs him, and he goes to get drunk at a bar. This is where Narcissa (aged down to 25) finds him. They have sex.

He has a brief fling with her, only to get into a more serious relationship with Athena. This leads to Hermione getting jealous.

We're now dealing with a love pentagon, of sorts. Harry and Tom love Hermione, Tom also loves Athena, Narcissa wants Harry but she has undeniable sexual chemistry with Tom.

The show descends into back-and-forth-ing, and does not get renewed.

The end.

POST SCRIPT:

The oddly popular side character that the CW never wanted to be popular at all and keeps having to make mysteriously vanish for half a season so that the plot(?) can avoid being derailed is Draco.

He's super competent but the show will never admit that.

Later, Athena plays this same role.

- @therealvinelle

#harry potter #harry potter meta #harry potter headcanon #cw #cw meta #meta #headcanon #opinion #vinelle #therealvinelle

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thinkingisadangerouspastime · 3 years

Note

Hi, first off I ship Zutara and I come in peace. I was pointed your way by a friend when I asked for people who ship kataang who are nevertheless willing to hear different views. I have lurked on blog a week and finally got up my nerve to ask how you or any other Kataang can deny that the last part of book 3 was completely Zutara but then stopped abruptly with no buildup? You can finesse tone on text so I'm not being sarcastic or bitchy, it is a serious question (1/5)

In The Southern Raiders, Katara realizes she has been wrong about Zuko. In Ember Island Players, she realizes Aang is not as mature as she thought he was, and in the finale, Katara does not care a whit that Aang is gone. I am serious and as someone who is no Aang stan but likes him, I’m actually annoyed by how little anyone cared about his disappearance. It went from “Aang’s gone!” to “Okay whatever, let’s find Iroh so he can kill Ozai.” (2/5)

Katara was all over Zuko (honestly, again not being a jerk) in the finale until for whatever reason, she wasn’t. She was giving him a pep talk about Iroh, she was going with him to Azula, she was healing him and saying he saved her not the other way around. I genuinely don’t get why this isn’t seen as romantic. I will grant you that Zuko would not have allowed Azula to kill anyone but I feel the point here was Zuko realizing his life was pointless if Katara was killed. (4/5)

And then literally at the end, Mai shows up after Zuko not talking about her at all for six episodes and declares herself Zuko’s girlfriend. And Katara kisses Aang after being annoyed with and by him arguably since The Southern Raiders. I get that Kataang “won” and I’ve made peace with that, but ... I can’t understand why Kataang shippers are okay with such a crap story. I swear on my gmom [sic] if they’d done this for [Zvtara], I’d be mad as hell. So I don’t understand, I really don’t. (5/5)

As always, I shall begin with a disclaimer: anon, you do not have to agree with this post. No one has to agree with this post, as it is strictly my own thoughts on the subject matter raised here! As per usual, I will not be putting this in the main tags - much less the Zvtara tag! - because I have basic fandom decency, lmao. If you (the general you, not anon specifically) do disagree with this post, that is totally fine, I simply ask that you are polite in expressing your disagreement (if you choose to do so at all! no one is expected to, lmao. i promise).

Alright. Formalities are out of the way!

I’ll admit I giggled a little bit when you say you lurked on my blog for a week, because I’ve actually talked about this subject numerous times in the past! I just found it funny you hadn’t stumbled across any posts about it yet, lol. So, as a heads up, know that I will be providing several links in this post since - again - this subject and related subjects have been analyzed a multitude of times before. I highly recommend reading them all! Mostly because I don’t intend to spend forever restating what’s been said over and over and over lmaooo. I will provide the resources, but it is up to each individual to take advantage of them.

To begin: your ask actually contains a few logical fallacies, anon! I do not mean this as shade or to belittle you - I fall victim to this issue all the time myself. Anyone who writes analyses or participates in debates does! Humans are imperfect and often like to cut corners to reach a conclusion. It is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about because - as the existence of your ask in inbox indicates - you are willing to learn more. So kudos to you, my friend!

Alright. So what logical fallacies am I talking about here? (For the record: specific definitions of logical fallacies were taken from here.)

1. Hasty Generalization.

“A hasty generalization is a general statement without sufficient evidence to support it.” Numerous claims are made in this ask that I have absolutely no doubt you believe to be true, anon, but there really isn’t any concrete evidence to support it! I will go into more detail later, of course, but let’s quickly look at one example:

“In Ember Island Players, [Katara] realizes Aang is not as mature as she thought he was…”

For the time being, I will ask but one question: from the show itself, not fanon, how do you know this?

2. Causal Fallacy

Ah, this guy. My own worst enemy, tbh! “A causal fallacy is any logical breakdown when identifying a cause,” of which there are several types. “One causal fallacy is the false cause or non causa pro causa (‘not the-cause for a cause’) fallacy, which is when you conclude about a cause without enough evidence to do so.” In your ask, you claim:

“I will grant you that Zuko would not have allowed Azula to kill anyone but I feel the point here was Zuko realizing his life was pointless if Katara was killed.”

Again, for the time being, I will ask only one question: from the show itself, not fanon, what led you to believe this statement?

“Another kind of causal fallacy is the correlational fallacy also known as cum hoc ergo propter hoc (Lat., ‘with this therefore because of this’). This fallacy happens when you mistakenly interpret two things found together as being causally related.” In your ask, you claim:

“Katara was all over Zuko (honestly, again not being a jerk) in the finale until for whatever reason, she wasn’t. She was giving him a pep talk about Iroh, she was going with him to Azula, she was healing him and saying he saved her not the other way around. I genuinely don’t get why this isn’t seen as romantic.”

I will ask one question: from the show itself, not fanon, why would you believe these are indicative of romance? (Consider the context the show is situated in, too - e.g. the war, Katara being Azula’s only available match in skill, etc.)

The reason I bring up the issue of logical fallacies is again not at all to make you feel bad, anon!! You were simply trying to express your point to me and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to do so. See, your ask actually presents a larger fandom trend:

Misconstruing fanon as canon.

What you have offered to me, anon, are fanon conclusions. To clarify: there is absolutely nothing wrong with fanon. I adore fanon interpretations (an example I have used in the past is Kuzaang - like, I don’t care that there’s no canon basis! I do what I want lmao!), but a line has to be drawn between exploring fanon interpretations and expecting everyone to take that fanon as canon. Again, anon, this is not your fault! It is not any one person’s fault, lmao. It is an issue of fandom as a whole, and all of us fall victim to it.

With that in mind, I will break down the different components of your ask. I will also do my best to be brief - as aforementioned, I and others have analyzed this issue numerous times before, lmao. To avoid confusion, it would be best to read through each or at least most links as they are provided!

Firstly, there are two posts I have made in the past that almost directly answer your overarching question here in this ask. Please read them prior to continuing, as I will occasionally reference them:

This post explains how Zvtara was not built up from TSR/EIP-onwards, and how their supposed “canon enemies to lovers arc” is a completely fanon construction.

This post explains the issue of the “canon Zvtara” rhetoric from rabid zkers (and you, anon, are absolutely NOT one, in case you were worried).

Alrighty. With that out the way, let’s get into it!

“In The Southern Raiders, Katara realizes she has been wrong about Zuko.”

Gotta start by saying that TSR is not about Zuko. TSR is, first and foremost, about Katara. Katara does not realize she was wrong about Zuko, because here’s the truth - she wasn’t wrong about him. Zuko did horrible things to the Gaang. Katara was not wrong to hold him accountable for that. What Katara does realize is that holding such rage so close to her chest is bad for her. This rage was not solely anger against Zuko, either; it was of course about Yon Rha, too, but it was also anger towards Kya and Katara herself. Essentially, TSR is where Katara realizes she has to forgive herself. Zuko is only one part of her journey (similar to Aang’s role in the episode, if a different end of the spectrum).

This post explains how TSR was fundamentally about Katara.

Additional resources about TSR:

This post explains Aang’s comments to Katara in TSR and how Katara herself recognized their validity.

This post explains why both Aang and Zuko were important to Katara in TSR.

This post is an extensive breakdown of Aang and Katara’s relationship within TSR.

“In Ember Island Players, [Katara] realizes Aang is not as mature as she thought he was…”

You provide no context for this claim, so I’m going to work with the assumption this is about their reactions to the play itself and the infamous kiss!

There is something important we must keep in mind when discussing EIP: the play they watch is literally imperialist propaganda. It is meant to demean the entire Gaang, and indeed it does exactly that. You mention Katara and Aang specifically, so I will recap what I have explained before about their depictions in EIP: Katara, an indigenous woman, is hypersexualized and portrayed as overly emotional (and thus “irrational”). This reinforces the Fire Nation sentiment that women of the Water Tribes are less intelligent and less suited for “responsibility” than Fire Nation women. Aang, a pacifist and the sole survivor of genocide who is also canonly the male character most comfortable with femininity and spirituality, is portrayed as a flighty, airheaded woman (this is a well-known imperialist tactic meant to emasculate the target, seeing as masculinity was often equated with power in fascist regimes; thus, they effectively belittled Aang before the FN audience). This reinforces the Fire Nation sentiment that the Air Nomads were foolish, weak people who deserved to die.

In other words, of course Aang and Katara were upset about how they portrayed in the play. It is understandable that tensions would be running high and consequently that mistakes (we all know the one) would be made.

This post explains how EIP belittles each member of the Gaang (and why the play is not indicative of Zvtara).

This post talks specifically about EIP and their portrayal of Aang and Katara.

Now onto the kiss. As everyone knows and no one has ever disagreed with, Aang was wrong to kiss Katara. Point blank!

But what people do misunderstand is Katara and Aang’s feelings regarding the kiss. Given your above quote, I assume you believe Aang kissing Katara supposedly made her realize that Aang wasn’t as mature as she once thought. On the surface, this seems like a logical conclusion! But digging deeper reveals… well, there’s nothing that indicates this conclusion at all. Even jumping ahead to the finale, when Zuko has doubts over Aang’s return, Katara demonstrates her faith in Aang (although of course she’s nervous - I won’t deny the obvious, lmao) as she says, “Aang won’t lose. He’s gonna come back. He has to.”

In other words, nothing in canon suggests that Katara believes Aang is immature because of what happened in EIP. She still trusts in his return, as she did even before she knew him (and arguably is more confident in him now, given the 60~ episodes of them growing closer). Furthermore, when Aang does disappear, Katara doesn’t have an outburst about how “immature” it was for him to “run away again.” The viewers know Aang didn’t run away, of course (fans who insist he did are not worth arguing with, anon - they don’t understand the show, rip), but that is a luxury the rest of the Gaang is not afforded. And yet even though Aang has vanished off the face of the planet, Katara still believes he will save the world. If anything, that signifies the utmost confidence in his skill and maturity!

To go back to the kiss itself, this post explains the true source of Katara’s conflict in turning down Aang (hint: she says it herself in the episode! you know, the whole war going on) and why the EIP kiss did not sink Kataang’s relationship.

Additional sources about EIP:

This post explains how the EIP kiss was resolved through narrative parallels.

This post explains how the EIP kiss is so often blown out of proportion.

“… and in the finale, Katara does not care a whit that Aang is gone. I am serious and as someone who is no Aang stan but likes him, I’m actually annoyed by how little anyone cared about his disappearance. It went from ‘Aang’s gone!’ to ‘Okay whatever, let’s find Iroh so he can kill Ozai.’”

As I already touched upon, Katara didn’t need a soliloquy to emphasize her connection to Aang once he disappeared. She trusts that he will return. She says so herself. I guess I just don’t understand how you got from Point A, Katara has consistent faith in Aang, to Point B, Katara and the rest of the Gaang didn’t care about Aang’s disappearance. It’s honestly a bit more like Point A to Point Z, lmao! If you would like to expand on your logic here, I would love to hear more!!

There are a few specific aspects I want to note about your rationale, though. You argue the Gaang moves from ‘Aang disappeared’ to ‘let’s find Iroh,’ but the Gaang actually went from:

1. Aang disappeared!

2. They search the entire island for him.

3. Okay, they couldn’t find him, so they track down June and have her try to find Aang.

4. June says to them, “No, I mean he’s gone gone. He doesn’t exist.” (And she clarifies to Sokka that she doesn’t mean dead, either - she means Aang has totally blinked out of their world.)

5. Only after all of this do they decide to track down Iroh.

The Gaang cares immensely about the fact that Aang is gone, and you could actually argue they waste time by trying to track him down. They don’t give up until June essentially tells them that some Spirit World shenanigans were involved. Even if you don’t think they reached that specific conclusion, I have to ask: What else were they supposed to do? They were told Aang didn’t exist! How are they supposed to fix that?

Well, they can’t. So they do the next best thing: they find Iroh, the man who knows Ozai better than anyone and is also one of the most talented firebenders in the world. In my opinion, that’s a very logical step to take.

I’ll be blunt here, lol: in my opinion, nothing of what you listed in your ask is inherently romantic.

Okay. I am going to assume you’ve read the first two posts I linked earlier (“Zvtara did not have an E-L arc” and “the ‘canon’ Zvtara of rabid zkers has issues”), because I do not intend to rehash everything they contain, lol. Consequently, I presume you realize by now that there was no canon romantic interest between Zuko and Katara.

And as I always say, just because there wasn’t a canon romance doesn’t mean people can’t take fanon routes! Of course they can! That’s the entire point of fanon! But fanon is not canon, and I am strictly referring to canon in my discussions.

You claim Katara was all over Zuko, which in itself I don’t think is an accurate assessment, because she doesn’t really do anything with Zuko outside the three points you bring up (other than the June gag, which I addressed in one of the aforementioned linked posts). So I’ll go ahead and break down each instance you provide!

1. “[Katara] was giving [Zuko] a pep talk about Iroh”

Katara asked Zuko if he was okay. She asked him if he was genuinely sorry. She reassures him that Iroh will forgive him. That’s… all. Not to diminish the significance of this conversation, but it’s not exactly an intimate, romantically-charged discussion (unless fanon-ized). But on that note, let’s tackle the canon significance of this moment!

Katara knows firsthand the challenge of forgiving Zuko. And she knows that Zuko understands how hard it was for her to forgive him (note: Katara’s anger was totally justified, and anyone who disagrees is probably a rabid Zuko stan lmao). She also recognizes that Zuko is terrified it will take Iroh the same struggle to forgive him that Katara went through. This scene is not related to romance at all. It’s about compassion. It’s about Katara and Zuko’s friendship having progressed, slowly but surely, to the point where she’s not afraid to extend empathy to him anymore (seeing as the first time, beneath Ba Sing Se, did not go so well; you know - Aang died and all). It’s about Zuko recognizing his own fallibility (and the audience recognizing how much he’s grown). He questions how he can even face his uncle after all he’s done to the man, which is a far cry from his entitled attitude in TSR, where he demanded to know why Katara didn’t trust him when everyone else had forgiven him.

To make this moment, this moment about Zuko’s relationship with his uncle who is all but a literal father to him, this moment of vulnerability, of guilt, of remorse, of growth, to claim this powerful moment is about a nonexistent romantic relationship? In my opinion, that is incredibly reductive to what this scene is supposed to signify. And again, there is nothing wrong with people exploring such a possibility in fanon, but in canon? Nah. It doesn’t track.

2. “[Katara] was going with [Zuko] to Azula”

Don’t forget that at first, Zuko planned to take on Azula alone. He doesn’t request Katara to accompany him until Iroh tells him that he’ll need help. As such, Zuko’s immediate agreement with Iroh is reflective of his personal growth (Book 1 and 2 Zuko would have argued and insisted he didn’t need any help). It also demonstrates, however, that Katara was not obsessively on Zuko’s mind. He doesn’t choose Katara until Iroh points out that Zuko will need assistance in taking Azula down. This means that Zuko’s choice of Katara to join him is a tactical decision, not an emotional one. And by all accounts, it’s a damn good decision! Zuko witnessed firsthand beneath Ba Sing Se a) how powerful Katara was (e.g. that wave after Aang died) and b) how Katara was the only one who could take on Azula*.

Of course, besides the fact that Katara was the only match for Azula, who else was Zuko going to choose? Sokka and Suki, while talented in their own right, were no competition for Azula. Toph, while the greatest earthbender in the world, was needed to metalbend the airships. Katara was the only (and the best!) option.

Also, on their trip to face Azula, the only thing they talk about within their three lines of canon conversation are Azula and Aang. Not exactly a romantic flight, lmao.

*Zuko never saw Aang fight Azula on the drill.

3. “[Katara] was healing [Zuko] and saying he saved her not the other way around”

Actually, this is what the transcript says:

Zuko: Thank you, Katara.

Katara: I think I’m the one who should be thanking you.

You’re right about how their lines refer to them saving each other, but you posit it as a romantic moment, when the lines are actually pretty straightforward. Zuko thanks Katara as she heals him from the partially-redirected lightning strike, and Katara thanks him for trying to redirect the lightning away from her and in doing so saving her life. In terms of canon, there’s nothing romantic about this, lol! (Which I talked about extensively in the E-L post, if you need to reference it again.) The reason being is that you have to take the show itself into context when you do analysis. If there was no canon romantic buildup between Zuko and Katara, why would these lines in canon (not fanon! fanon is free rein, lmao) be interpreted through a romantic lens?

Well, they wouldn’t be interpreted as such. Plain and simple.

“I genuinely don’t get why this isn’t seen as romantic.”

Because looking through a canon lens, they aren’t romantic. That’s all. You are of course welcome to view them as such through a fanon lens!! It’s just about recognizing the line between canon and fanon.

“I will grant you that Zuko would not have allowed Azula to kill anyone but I feel the point here was Zuko realizing his life was pointless if Katara was killed.”

I asked earlier what content in the show itself led you to believe. I have wracked my own mind, and I cannot think of anything that would point to this conclusion. Zuko was in Katara’s good graces for 5 episodes. That’s 8% of the show. Not exactly a lot of time for Zuko to start believing his life would be pointless if Katara was killed, is it?

This post explains the improbability of Zuko having a crush on Katara within canon.

This post explains how Zuko’s racism towards the Air Nomads in TSR and the finale is, well, exactly that - racism (and not a sign of a crush on Katara).

And, of course, as has been said a million times, Zuko taking the lightning for Katara out of romantic interest would completely undermine his redemption arc. Since it has been said over and over and over, I will be brief: Zuko taking the lightning is significant because it is a selfless act (one of his only in the series), and it directly parallels his selfish act of choosing not to intervene when Azula killed Aang with lightning beneath Ba Sing Se. This moment demonstrates Zuko’s growth, how he has learned to accept unconditional love from Iroh and the Gaang and Mai and even Ty Lee and sure, even from Appa and Momo, too. To make this moment of pure selflessness about a nonexistent romance? To force a fanon romance in replacement of canon redemption and canon platonic significance?

Such a decision speaks wonders about a person’s priorities, in my opinion, as well as how amatonormativity impacts them.

Furthermore, Zuko’s choice cements Katara’s position as his surrogate sibling, as she is Azula’s primary foil. Zuko chooses the sister who heals over the sister who harms. I won’t go too much into it here, because it has already been talked about extensively before! Thus, I offer you this post that explains how Zuko and Katara - in canon - are positioned as surrogate siblings as well as Azula’s role in this matter. I also offer this post that lays out through screencaps how Zuko and Katara - in canon - treat each other like family.

Additional sources about the final Agni Kai:

This post in part discusses fanon misinterpretation of the final Agni Kai and why such a lens is not true to canon relationships.

This post explains why the final Agni Kai is not intended to be romantic.

This post explains how the final Agni Kai is primarily about Azula and how reducing it to be a big Zvtara moment is detrimental to both her and to Zuko and Katara themselves.

“And then literally at the end, Mai shows up after Zuko not talking about her at all for six episodes and declares herself Zuko’s girlfriend.”

This point could probably get a post of its own, lol, but fortunately I and others have already written a few! I will link them below - first, however, I question your choice of “declares.” Technically, yes, Mai does say outright that it doesn’t hurt how the new Fire Lord is her boyfriend, but your phrasing implies Zuko resisted her proclamation. When… he doesn’t. In fact, he embraces it, asking if that means she doesn’t hate him anymore (read: he asks if they’re back on good terms again). Zuko clearly doesn’t have a problem with the girl he loves wanting to be with him again - so why do some parts of fandom so adamantly insist he does? (Not you, anon - I am referring to the rabid fanoners, lol.)

Also, regarding how Zuko hasn’t talked about Mai for six episodes, we’ve gotta be realistic with this assessment in terms of canon:

1. It was the crux of the war. They were either going to live or die. There was no time for romance at this point! Sokka and Suki weren’t professing their love on the battlefield, lmao, so it’s not exactly strange that Zuko didn’t bust into a monologue about how he missed Mai. I think they were just a little bit distracted by the possible end of the world, lol, and all that jazz.

2. Zuko probably thought Mai was dead. He knows what Azula is like. He knows his sister doesn’t have time for people who get in her way (Aang can testify to this, lmao). So can you blame him for not wanting to think about how the girl he loved had died (to his knowledge) to save him?

You gotta cut the kid some slack, lol. Anyways! Additional sources about Maiko:

This post breaks down the notion of Maiko and “deserve.”

This post rationalizes through a canon lens why Mai’s arrival at the palace surprised Zuko.

This post is the mother of Maiko metas, explaining in tremendous detail why their relationships works, is relevant to canon, and was well-implemented for what its role was.

“And Katara kisses Aang after being annoyed with and by him arguably since The Southern Raiders.”

What in canon has led you to the conclusion that Katara was annoyed with Aang? What specific moments from TSR to the finale made you think Katara was annoyed with Aang and remained annoyed with Aang? Are there any, or are you thinking about fanon interpretation? (Canon vs fanon strikes again!)

In TSR, Katara explicitly thanks Aang for understanding her perspective. Nothing there is indicative of annoyance (and as in the links provided earlier, she was not angry at Aang/Zuko/etc. so much as she was at herself. well, she was a little bit angry with Zuko, lmao). In EIP, Katara is understandably angry at Aang’s decision to kiss her, but Aang completely backs off, and we see in the part 1 of the finale that there are no hard feelings or weird tension between them. Katara in fact actively expresses concern for Aang after Zuko sporadically attacked him when she demands of the firebender, “What’s wrong with you? You could have hurt Aang!” Even when Aang and Katara do butt heads later in the episode as Aang tries to think of a way to defeat Ozai without killing him, Katara doesn’t stay frustrated. Like I said - when she and Zuko are flying to Azula, she demonstrates her unwavering faith in Aang through her belief that he will return. So… where is the annoyance that you feel was present?

With all this mind, i.e. looking strictly at canon, Katara wasn’t annoyed with Aang during this time. Thus, Katara kisses Aang because she loved him. Because he backed off and gave her the space she needed to make a decision about if she wanted to be with him (hence Katara being the one to initiate the kiss). Because the issue was never about if she reciprocated his feelings (they both knew they loved each other) but rather it had to do with the war. At the end of the finale, the war is over, and there is nothing that prevents them from being together. Simple.

This post explains how Katara’s feelings for Aang develop throughout the series (and were not neglected, as rabid zkers like to claim, for some reason? again - you are not one of them, anon).

This post also covers Katara’s interest in Aang throughout the series.

“I can’t understand why Kataang shippers are okay with such a crap story.”

I mean, you definitely don’t have to ship Kataang. It may not be your cup of tea, and that’s totally okay! But as the above links demonstrate, Kataang was a fantastic story. It was well-implemented into the narrative from Day 1. The soulmateism is unparalleled!

Also, it’s worth noting that A:TLA itself was essentially pre-written. The writers knew how the story would end from the get-go, including that the show would end with Kataang. A few Zvtara gags were thrown in to add a sense of “who will Katara choose?” drama as the show aired, but Zuko and Katara were never planned to end up together. One reason so many newer fans are fine with Kataang from the start is that there’s no tension of waiting a week for a new episode when you can watch all 61 episodes straight through on Netflix, lmao. It’s even more obvious now than when A:TLA was airing that Aang and Katara will end up together, if that makes sense. (Although I talked about this in the E-L post linked earlier, so you probably understand this point already, as it was explained in detail there!)

All of this is to say that Kataang is not a “crap story” in terms of writing (again, personal taste is a different matter) because it was woven in from the beginning and had powerful narrative significance! (Kataang represented numerous complementary components of the series, such as yin and yang, push and pull, air and water, Oma and Shu, etc.)

Now. If you really and truly want to understand why Kataang shippers like Kataang, anon, consider reading some Kataang fanfics or exploring some Kataang headcanons. I read fics involving Zvtara more regularly than you might think, lol, because… well, it’s just a ship. I understand the appeal of romantic Zvtara and I can actually appreciate it when it’s well-written! I’m sure if you’re willing to put in just a little legwork (you don’t need to go the whole mile, lmao - ‘tis just fandom), you’ll realize why people like Kataang, even if it isn’t exactly your thing. You have the range, anon!! You got this!

I hope I managed to answer your questions, my friend! As always, you do not have to agree with anything I have said here. It is totally fine if you and anyone else disagrees! Everything above is simply my own perspective on the matter. Thank you for taking the time to read my response and all the different links I provided! I hope it has expanded your understanding of the subject at hand!

#i spent all day writing this lmaooo #TWO WHOLE HOURS SPENT COMPILING LINKS #amy answers #anon #amy analyzes

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