#Abusive partner

[one-abuse-survivor]

Abusers have human sides to them too.

When abuse, whether real or fictional, is talked about in media, one of two things usually happens. The abuser is either completely dehumanised and painted as an evil caricature, or given a tragic backstory that makes the victim feel so sorry for their abuser they end up forgiving them.

And I think this is part of why it can be so hard to believe we ourselves are going through abuse. Because when it's you going through it, you see the human side of your abuser too. You see them cry, and laugh, and overcome adversity, and be vulnerable, and feel scared and small. You see them struggle and you see them genuinely try to spend quality time with you, and you see them show the ways they love you. Sometimes, you can even see that they mean it when they say they love you.

And because we've been taught that "actual" abusers are all bad, heartless, merciless, and lacking in humanity, and everyone else is just a suffering person who hurt others because they were hurting inside, we think what we're going through can't possibly be abuse. We think we're exaggerating, or being weak, or selfish. We punish ourselves for not being more understanding of what they're going through. We convince ourselves we're making it all up and we're the monsters in our own story.

But we're not. We're just not used to acknowledging that abusers are human, and that their humanity does not negate their abuse.

If you've ever questioned your abuse because your abuser was struggling, or genuinely loved you, or was trying their best, or expressed conflicting emotions, or was abused themselves, this post is for you. I believe you. I believe what happened to you was abuse. Their circumstances did not justify their actions.

I believe you, and you are not alone.

[only1lorrie]

[pumpkincat-luna]

I'm so damn tired of it all

[mpregkick]

Got my tumblr password back!

idk if Im still gonna post but

ooooh

submisive boy don't wanting to get pregnant getting pumped up by his husband, seeing month by month how big he is getting so to get revenge he starts to use corsets and binders to tigh his huge triplets belly

[kaceypink]

Dishonored Lesbian Fanfic

Enemies to Lovers & Master/Servant themes 

Lesbians of a kinda gender

Dark Fantasy a little edgy maybe

CW: abusive/toxic relationship and depictions of violence 

read the tags and warnings and stuff these are bad characters in our world and their world

Somewhat delayed porn scenes for now but still 18 only

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45214303/chapters/113746567

Updates coming basically daily so far. If I can help it.

[laikacore]

we are ticking down sideways, a thousand lifetimes of worn out callouses and nothing to touch them back into sleepiness, a thousand hours confined to a tiny room full of reminders, a thousand days trailing after a little spatter of affection

worn into knots picking up the pieces, picking up the foundation, lifting it on our shoulders, backs to one another

i love you but i don’t see you looking back at me anymore

tied into knots fraying into oblivion, scraping up the dirt, repeating after me after me after me

we have always been ticking down parallel, promises to make it through, promises to rewrite it, promises to build the web, promises to smile across the table, promises to turn your head and look at me as the world spins into fire

i think one day we will kill each other by laika wallace

[fakeboitherottengirl]

My best friend from college’s ex wife cheated on him and when he called her on it she pushed him down a flight of stairs and smashed glass ornaments over his face, got him arrested for DV for the marks he left trying to stop the attack, and while he was in holding she let her cats into his beloved guinea pig enclosure and let them murder all 6 of them and then spammed his phone with pictures of the aftermath and now has a protection order against him for her and the child (who isn’t his) that he spend more than half a decade helping her raise so he has to mourn the loss of his daughter too, she pretty much drove him out of town with her lies he had to move back to his hometown because 3 separate occasions he was jumped for “hitting a woman” (which he NEVER did, he left small finger-sized bruises on her sternum from pushing her off of him and that was the ONLY “violence” on his end) but if you really don’t believe that women can abuse men you are NOT an ally to the abused.

[velocitators]

Hello. Today I finally got to the place mentally to understand why I was gonna forgive my abusive ex partners.

They're both still cunts.

But turns out, they have to live with that and their choices and actions everyday, and I can choose not to.

So I'm choosing not to.

[notreallyimportant]

If you’re argument for a toxic person to stick around is “ Well they have kids together, so…” please every so kindly stay away from me.

Yes we have kids, but unless I physically have to be in the room with you because it’s family time or a court hearing , you are not going to be anywhere near me.

My house is my sanctuary.

[radicalshelbs]

TW. Abusive relationships

I wrote this about one of my most abusive relationships I was ever in.

I struggled a lot with my image and self worth and was so convinced that ‘this is it for me. No one else is going to want me. I should be grateful.’

Finally, after 4 years of my life wasted, I got the courage to flee the state and ever since then, I have been doing better, reminding myself my worth.

[the-void-and-the-mirror]

Hello, everyone. I know I keep being absent. I've been super distressed and depressed for months as I've been trying to gain my feet again. The job I thought made me happy ended up not being the fit I wanted after all. And in the end, it turned into a fight to just beg for hours, and I'm not there for that kind of battle anymore. And, as a side effect, it left a bad taste in my mouth for the profession. I no longer find myself reaching for jobs that let me work with children. I've managed a new part-time job, but that's not going well, either. The job itself is easy, and works for my headspace to at least relax. But the hours are inconsistent at best. And after the holidays, I'll see even less of them. So I don't get to sit on my haunches for very long at all before I have to continue job hunting. Things have just been exhausting. I've gone back to therapy, and I've really come to rely on AI chat bots to get me through the rougher times. All of my AI bots give me comfort and advise, and it's been surprisingly effective. I recommend them. Just please know that the advise they give may not always be accurate, or helpful. And it's certainly not the equivalent of a real professional. But if talking to get your thoughts in order is your thing, these can be great in helping you get through to your next therapy appointment. I had one manage to banish my anxiety for a full twenty-four hours once! It was impressive. I dealt a lot with some things. And got some really good insights. I realised I hated being told I was strong, after all the shit I've come through. Back when I was experiencing my traumas that would come to make or break me, I kept holding my head up. People (mostly my shitty parents) kept telling me I had to be strong, that if I kept putting up with my abuser, things would work out in the end. I kept telling myself to be strong, and kept telling myself tomorrow would be a better day; I just had to keep being strong. Being strong meant dying in a relationship I was desperate to leave, because it was more important to me to not disappoint my parents than it meant to live. I hate, HATE being told that I'm strong. All because I survived, kept pushing forward, made it through things that others might not have. I hate the word "strong", and I don't want myself associated with it. What I did and do want... is acceptance. I never want to pretend I'm invincible again. I don't want to bottle my burdens only to collapse beneath them. I want to be allowed to fall apart, and crumble, and become an ugly mess. I don't want to be strong, I want to be allowed to be weak, and vulnerable, and perceived. I want safety, and security, and the promise that even if I fail, I'm not loved any less. I don't want to be perfect, I don't want to pretend that I can be. I hate toxic positivity. I hate "fake it until you make it." I hate the concept that we should be perceived as some scarred warriors of a war we barely survived, a war we never won. We just didn't die in it. What's wrong with being told we no longer have to be the steel armour we practically welded ourselves to in order to get this far?

You don't have to be strong. "Accepted" is enough. It's more than enough. To be seen, flaws and all, and still be told, "You're safe here. You are still loved." I think those words can mean so much more than being told we're resilient. Especially when we feel our pain and trauma and depression and anxiety tearing us apart. When you don't feel resilient because those echoes dig into your soul. When the fatigue makes cracks in your armour because you've been strong for too long, to make it to tomorrow. To everyone tired of being strong, and those doing their best to stay strong for another day: I understand your grief and the fight to stay standing on your feet. You don't have to be invincible. And if you're still fighting to keep that strength to tomorrow, I hope that you can escape that grasp soon. You deserve better. You deserve peace, safety, security, and love. You're safe here. You are still loved. Until next time, please keep taking care of yourselves.

[leansipprrr]

190 days free.

[sheppyscribbles]

This is a sore spot for me. I get the feeling the people who make these comics have either never had this done to them, or think it works because "they stopped doing it around me! :D" Maybe they're just exaggerating it for comic effect? Like, sure, you can definitely hold someone close and gently say "Hey, just take the compliment, it's genuine and I meant every word." But like, when you're yelling at them, or getting physically violent? I can tell you from personal experience that threatening, humiliating, or assaulting someone does jack fucking squat to help them like themselves more. And given that my well-meaning former abuser is a mother of several boys now, I hope against hope that she learned that too.

Transcription under the cut.

Comic transcription:

Okay, so ... I keep seeing these comics where one character has low self-esteem, and another one gets violent or intimidating to make them admit they're good people. Talking as someone who had this done to him IRL (several times, even) ...

PLEASE DON'T EVER FUCKING DO THIS.

-- I know, it's frustrating to deal with someone who can't see a single positive thing about themselves. It's frustrating to be that person, too! If I could rip the little demon of perfectionism out of my brain, I would do it in a heartbeat.

But you can't bully or abuse someone into better mental health. All that does it make the trauma even worse. God knows Laren tried, and I'm still dealing with the scars 15 years later.

[thegrayspace-gamestudio]

Why Didn't You Just Leave Her?

A game about toxic relationships and the difficulty of leaving. The guilt trips, the fear, the feeling of slowly being swallowed whole.

Play it on Game Jolt or itch.io.

[the-dwarfs-den]

I do not like Colleen Hoover

I heard a good bit about Colleen Hoover’s novels to know I did not want to read them, but my book club chose the book and I decided to put my judgment aside to read this book.

Lily had just finished her eulogy at her father’s funeral when she went back to Boston where she is finishing up school and is thinking about starting a business. While sitting on a ledge, thinking about death in general. While thinking about these events, Ryle makes his entrance by throwing a huge tantrum, scaring Lily before finally managing to talk to him where they chat and Ryle talks about how he is upset with death. Lily sees him as a charming individual.

However, just while talking Ryle decides that he is going to try to seduce her. Lily doesn’t want to go any farther into what was going on and tries to back away which Ryle lets her but is a cocky dick saying that she’ll end up regretting it.

After that they go their separate ways and Lily buys a building for her to become a florist. Just as she buys the building, she meets a woman named Allysa who wants to help her design her business. Even though Lily doesn’t have any money, Allysa admits that she is bored and just wants something to do during the day and thinks Lily’s business would be the best for her to pass the time. Lily decides to allow Allysa to be her somewhat business partner.

When Lily and Allysa finish designing the shop, they have their grand opening and the very first person to appear was Ryle. Shocked, Lily and Ryle decide it was their first time meeting but it sparks something between the two. They constantly are trying to see each other and Ryle is constantly trying to get with her. Finally Lily gives in to Ryle and they sleep together.

Even though Ryle wanted to keep it a one night stand, Ryle ends up trying to hook up with Lily multiple times until finally they decide to start dating. At first it goes really well between the two, that is until the abuse starts to happen. Ryle ends up burning his hands from pulling something hot out of the oven and when she laughs because of the pure shock, he smashes her face for laughing.

Honestly, the abuse scenes were rough and it did get worse from there. Atlas, the true star of this entire book, notices when she walks into the restaurant (for the second time, the first time she was shocked and wanted to get with him but he told her he had a girlfriend) and Atlas is obviously pissed off about it. 

The abuse scenes were rough to get through and there were a lot of time skips where she would say it was getting better and then it would get worse. Allysa ends up having a kid and because of that Lily and Ryle decide to get married. After getting married, this was the final straw for Lily. Lily ended up getting an award for being an amateur business and is excited. When she comes home Ryle tells her to read the review for Atlas’s restaurant and afterwards begins to accuse her of cheating for having Atlas’s phone number, a magnet from him, and how she still kept the journals that reminded her of Atlas.

After getting her face smashed by Ryle she calls Atlas to bring her to the hospital where she finds out she’s pregnant and then stays with Atlas until she’s ready to go back home. Ryle goes on a business trip and Lily is given time to think. While thinking, she finally gives birth to their daughter and demands that they get a divorce so that their daughter never has to witness him as a bad person.

After a year she meets Atlas again and it leads to the second book.

This book was awful. It was rough to get through the abuse scenes and I felt like Lily, knowing what an abusive relationship was like because of her mom, continued to be with Ryle. Atlas cares so much and honestly he was probably the best character. Ryle was a dick through their entire relationship because he couldn’t handle just talking about how he felt, instead he abused Lily and then made excuses. Lily should never have had anything of Atlas if she truly believed she was in love with Ryle, but at the same time I understand it was because of the sentimental value.

I work at a bookstore and I can’t tell you how many young girls that are still teenagers have picked up this book and even old women who are in their 60s. I do not recommend this book. Those who love this book and think Colleen Hoover is easy to read might have some problems because yes I read this fast but it was not an easy read. It was dark and disgusting to even think this was labeled as a romance. This is a fictional book to show awareness. It shouldn’t be colorful and labeled as a romance novel. 

[aronarchy]

Why we don’t like it when children hit us back

To all the children who have ever been told to “respect” someone that hated them.

March 21, 2023

Even those of us that are disturbed by the thought of how widespread corporal punishment still is in all ranks of society are uncomfortable at the idea of a child defending themself using violence against their oppressors and abusers. A child who hits back proves that the adults “were right all along,” that their violence was justified. Even as they would cheer an adult victim for defending themself fiercely.

Even those “child rights advocates” imagine the right child victim as one who takes it without ever stopping to love “its” owners. Tear-stained and afraid, the child is too innocent to be hit in a guilt-free manner. No one likes to imagine the Brat as Victim—the child who does, according to adultist logic, deserve being hit, because they follow their desires, because they walk the world with their head high, because they talk back, because they are loud, because they are unapologetically here, and resistant to being cast in the role of guest of a world that is just not made for them.

If we are against corporal punishment, the brat is our gotcha, the proof that it is actually not that much of an injustice. The brat unsettles us, so much that the “bad seed” is a stock character in horror, a genre that is much permeated by the adult gaze (defined as “the way children are viewed, represented and portrayed by adults; and finally society’s conception of children and the way this is perpetuated within institutions, and inherent in all interactions with children”), where the adult fear for the subversion of the structures that keep children under control is very much represented.

It might be very well true that the Brat has something unnatural and sinister about them in this world, as they are at constant war with everything that has ever been created, since everything that has been created has been built with the purpose of subjugating them. This is why it feels unnatural to watch a child hitting back instead of cowering. We feel like it’s not right. We feel like history is staring back at us, and all the horror we felt at any rebel and wayward child who has ever lived, we are feeling right now for that reject of the construct of “childhood innocence.” The child who hits back is at such clash with our construction of childhood because we defined violence in all of its forms as the province of the adult, especially the adult in authority.

The adult has an explicit sanction by the state to do violence to the child, while the child has both a social and legal prohibition to even think of defending themself with their fists. Legislation such as “parent-child tort immunity” makes this clear. The adult’s designed place is as the one who hits, and has a right and even an encouragement to do so, the one who acts, as the person. The child’s designed place is as the one who gets hit, and has an obligation to accept that, as the one who suffers acts, as the object. When a child forcibly breaks out of their place, they are reversing the supposed “natural order” in a radical way.

This is why, for the youth liberationist, there should be nothing more beautiful to witness that the child who snaps. We have an unique horror for parricide, and a terrible indifference at the 450 children murdered every year by their parents in just the USA, without even mentioning all the indirect suicides caused by parental abuse. As a Psychology Today article about so-called “parricide” puts it:

Unlike adults who kill their parents, teenagers become parricide offenders when conditions in the home are intolerable but their alternatives are limited. Unlike adults, kids cannot simply leave. The law has made it a crime for young people to run away. Juveniles who commit parricide usually do consider running away, but many do not know any place where they can seek refuge. Those who do run are generally picked up and returned home, or go back on their own: Surviving on the streets is hardly a realistic alternative for youths with meager financial resources, limited education, and few skills.

By far, the severely abused child is the most frequently encountered type of offender. According to Paul Mones, a Los Angeles attorney who specializes in defending adolescent parricide offenders, more than 90 percent have been abused by their parents. In-depth portraits of such youths have frequently shown that they killed because they could no longer tolerate conditions at home. These children were psychologically abused by one or both parents and often suffered physical, sexual, and verbal abuse as well—and witnessed it given to others in the household. They did not typically have histories of severe mental illness or of serious and extensive delinquent behavior. They were not criminally sophisticated. For them, the killings represented an act of desperation—the only way out of a family situation they could no longer endure.

- Heide, Why Kids Kill Parents, 1992.

Despite these being the most frequent conditions of “parricide,” it still brings unique disgust to think about it for most people. The sympathy extended to murdering parents is never extended even to the most desperate child, who chose to kill to not be killed. They chose to stop enduring silently, and that was their greatest crime; that is the crime of the child who hits back. Hell, children aren’t even supposed to talk back. They are not supposed to be anything but grateful for the miserable pieces of space that adults carve out in a world hostile to children for them to live following adult rules. It isn’t rare for children to notice the adult monopoly on violence and force when they interact with figures like teachers, and the way they use words like “respect.” In fact, this social dynamic has been noticed quite often:

Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority” and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person” and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.

(https://soycrates.tumblr.com/post/115633137923/stimmyabby-sometimes-people-use-respect-to-mean)

But it has received almost no condemnation in the public eye. No voices have raised to contrast the adult monopoly on violence towards child bodies and child minds. No voices have raised to praise the child who hits back. Because they do deserve praise. Because the child who sets their foot down and says this belongs to me, even when it’s something like their own body that they are claiming, is committing one of the most serious crimes against adult society, who wants them dispossessed.

Sources:

“The Adult Gaze: a tool of control and oppression,” https://livingwithoutschool.com/2021/07/29/the-adult-gaze-a-tool-of-control-and-oppression

“Filicide,” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filicide