#Bit of a ramble

[basil-does-arttt]

'She looks down again, synthetic flesh stares back at her through the shards of a thousand mirrors.

This is not her. This is not me. This is not me.

This is not me. This is not me. This is not me. This is not me. This is not me.

Who is this? Who are you? Who am i?

You are not who you think you are.' (Alt version below)

i decided to make a Maus version of that Rin art :3, im not as happy with the overlay this time (its meant to be two deer in an antler fight) but oh well. At least Maus looks good. Also, that snippet at the top is some of my own writing this time, where on Rin's one it was a thing i found on pinterest. Will i release that full piece of writing? Maybe in the future when its done. Maus' persona degredation and subsequent resurfacing Gestalt memories as a result is something that affects her more than she'd like to admit. Admitting that she's degraded far past what is ever considered "safe" for a Replika means admitting she needs to be replaced. Admitting she needs to be replaced means getting decomissioned - killed - by somebody she probably knows and trusts, probably Rin herself even. Where does "Maus" end and "She" begin? Sometimes everything blurs into one, she'll see things that arent there and never have been there and all she can do is pretend its not happening in order to save face. She wonders if the other three Kolibri's of RCF experience the same things. She wonders if they remember who they used to be, too. She figures its probably best not to remind them, if remembering has caused her this much suffering. Maus doesn't fear much. But if theres one thing that terrifies her, its the thought of death. The infinite nothingness that comes after one's life has reached its end. Its not dying itself she's scared of, really, its the eternal void of non-existance. Even if another Kolibri will be created and deployed when she's dead, even if technically they will both be identical in both body and brain, She will still be gone.

(she fears death, but i think if it werent for Rin, she would have decommissioned herself many, many cycles ago.)

[alfredda-butt-ler]

I need more jason todd with mommy issues. like obviously he also has daddy issues, but he’s had a consistent father figure in his like sense he was 12.

But he lost Catherine to young and the only other mother figure he had pre-death where Nocturna (which was retconned) and maybe Selina (not really canon).

Like his mommy issues were so bad he died.

Then post-death you have Talia, which if we are thinking in canon, is definitely not a mother figure.

But one of my favorite headcanons is that Talia is Jason mom, so to add that in, i’d like to think that he went through years of training for her, just to get her approval and love.

Him just feeling terrible watching people around them have moms in their lives, and even worse when it’s his own siblings and their mother-like figures. not that he would admit to it.

[coolguyontheblock]

he's just pissing him off for fun

[asphelissorcery]

“Gregory is an irredeemable monster” “Gregory is an innocent baby” Wrong and Wrong. Gregory is morally dubious and that makes him more interesting.

Him and Vanessa designed a program that prevents people from releasing the Mimic by alerting animatronics to kill the person outright. One of the nodes is Roxy, meaning he probably made her one so if anyone came down there the V.A.N.N.I. mask or the Mimic itself would imitate his voice and agro her. The M.X.E.S. Entity tries to run you over with a go-kart. And even after all that, he tried to reach Cassie all night to keep her out of danger and gave her directions to the exit. Regardless of if he’s the one that dropped the elevator shaft or not he’d have understandable reasons- not morally perfect reasons, mind you, but understandable ones.

And outside of Ruin, in the base game, he makes tough calls. He tears Freddy’s friends to shreds and lies about it, but he has damn good reasons for doing so. They were trying to kill him. And in order to reach the Afton ending or (if you destroyed Monty first) Princess Quest III- the two “good” endings- he NEEDS those parts. Just so happens the only way to get them is through the other animatronics. So, as he would probably reason, “sucks to suck.”

Gregory is willing to put a stop to Afton’s influence no matter the cost. Him and Vanessa are keeping the Mimic down there no matter the cost. And that’s SUPER interesting. No more of trying to blanket statement him as either entirely wrong or entirely right- he’s neither. Kid’s willing to get his hands dirty for the greater good.

So pleaaaaaaase stop unironically saying that he did no wrong OR that he’s a horrible person. Joking is fine- I find a lot of the jokes funny- but please don’t seriously boil him down to all good or all bad. And also he’s like twelve

[wordsifelt]

SPOILERS FOR JITD EP 30

After two years of waiting for this show to actually release completely, being scared I would never get to see the ending, and then being scared of what the ending would look like, I'm so happy.

I just wanted them to live. I'm tired of queer shows taking that way out and killing them or separating them at the end. So many dramas based on novels I loved so much and was so excited to see on the screen ended this way. I understand censorship causes this but for once there was so much relief in just having them be together and happy. At a personal level seeing queer people beat the odds and thrive in media does more for me than anything else. So worth the wait.

[peach-pot]

being aroace I’m really interested in writing horror stories/poems around love, where love and sex and how we view and interact with them today are depicted as horrifying. cause to me a lot of experiences with romance and sex ARE horrifying. but whenever I’m writing this stuff, the minute I make it clear enough that, metaphor or not, what’s being commented on is romance, it doesn’t matter what I write, people are going to see it as being positive in nature. like, as being about how love is worth going through horrific things / requires great sacrifice because it’s just so good <3 which is NOT what I want, but it’s hard to get around when romantic love and romantic experiences are seen as universally inherently positive within the world I’m writing in

[maria483]

Tfw you dislike something inherent to the human condition, and while you know logically you aren't broken or "wrong" for it, you still need to remind your emotional side that it's fine, and it's OK to not like it, while seeing 90% of support spaces focus on how that greatly disliked thing of yours is healthy and helpful.

For me, that's being repulsed by any form of physical contact. It disgusts me on a visceral level, but touch is such a vital part of being human and making connections that I have to sometimes stop and remind myself that it's OK to hate it.

But honestly, this can go for anything. Any supposedly "inherent" part of being a human that you don't like for any reason could lead to this. So shoutout to anyone who feels this way. You deserve nothing but love, in whatever form you would find most helpful.

[luifaro]

shredder... is... REAL!!!

you fools... you thought because i posted about him once that he doesn't resurface in my mind? that was your first mistake. realized i never explained shredder's lore (at least 99% sure i didn't if i'd already come up with the lore by then)

so to put it simply, this little guy got a little curious and wanted to see new outcomes, but was too scared to kill anyone actually important so he went after random npcs. he's very inexperienced so he had like no set up plan, he was just straight up going for it.

undyne caught him in the act and was REALLY PISSED OFF so she basically tries to kill him and beats the everloving shit out of him because this flowey is a noob he has not figured out her attack patterns and he ends up falling into the dump because of their fight and passes out so he's unable to reset. then funny bone man comes in?!!!! he's like "the fuck?" and scoops this guy up and takes him home with him and papyrus.

sans decides to name him shredded cheese, and he's called shredder for short. sans and paps nurse him back to health and they make him the honorary third brother, being the youngest of them all. shredder's never seen these guys before so he sticks around instead of just resetting to try again. he wants to know where they came from and why they're here. plus, he kind of enjoys their antics, it keeps him entertained.

anyways throwing this little guy into the void because i love him and he means everything to me... he's my son

[vampyriclykoi]

hey so where did the jokes about trinity smoking weed and vaping come from? it feels kinda weird to me that the only character thats being joked about like that - from what i can see - is trinity, a 13 year old black girl

please excuse me if this is a huge non-issue that i’m blowing out of proportion, but don’t you guys think that’s a bit weird??? and, again please do let me know if it isn’t actually that deep, even a bit racist to stereotype a young black girl like that?

[normystical]

who would win in a fight icescream or alastor

hmm.. im not entirely sure.

iscream is fairly neutralized due to fwy and cofi, meanwhile alastor has his pride that kind of contributes to his failing (e.g. with adam).. though i suppose the former circumstances are easier to remove from the situation than the latter. also iscream's rank is higher in relativity to alastor's in their respective universes.. althoughh, they might still have roughly equal powers..

on second thought, iscream does seem to be relatively cowardly.. especially when somebody isnt intimidated by them.. if cofi can frighten them by just being a little freak, im sure alastor would freak them out. (..if not them being attracted to him lmao)

despite the fact that one is from a MUCH more lighthearted thingz if you think hard about it, it could be either or. im not sure which, though. not great at this power-scaling thing. sorry :(

[idfk-im-bad-at-names]

This is legitimately so cool. I'm just imagining all the language learning opportunities, if everyone tries to, with this server.

We've already learned a bit of each language just from people talking to each other. But now with translating signs and books.

If people just try, they can learn some common words from each other's languages. Like they try figuring out what it means in their own language and test themself with the translation. AHHH I'M SO EXCITED

[oh-surprise-its-me]

They got married.

It’s weird to Jamie, nothing really changed but he feels like a different person.

They’ve come back from two months off and it might’ve been the best vacation honeymoon combo in the world. He knows he should tell Roy his plan but, some casual mysteries are fun. Gotta keep old men on their toes.

He knocks on the office door, he’s spinning his ring out of nervousness, “come in.”

He opens Rebbeca’s door, “Jamie! Welcome back!” She says turning from her windows and opening her arms for a hug. He smiles, and accepts the hug.

“It’s great to be back. Had a fabulous time but home is home.”

Rebbeca nods, she walks him over to the couch, “not that I’m not happy to see you Jamie, but we don’t do this. Are you okay? Problems with Roy?”

Jamie’s ears go a bit red, he ducks his head. “No! God no, and I know we don’t I’m sorry. I needed to ask you if something would be a PR nightmare before I did it.”

She laughs crossing her legs and pats his arm. “You married you coach while still being coached by him Jamie, I think you’ll be okay.”

He nods, he really hasn’t stopped smiling since the wedding, fuck maybe even since the proposal.

“I want to surprise everyone, mostly Roy, by wearing just his name on my kit.”

Rebbeca nods, thank god she’s hard to shock. “Legal name change or just kit?”

“Legal. Roy and I have talked about me hyphenating but I want my fathers name to end with my father, I never really thought I would be able to get rid of it. But now that I have the choice? I choose to be a Kent.”

Rebbeca pulls him into another hug. When they pull away Jamie swears she’s wiping a tear out of her eye. “I’ll make it happen. You sure you can keep quiet about it for another month?”

Jamie laughs standing, he helps Rebbeca stand. “I kept quiet about my being in love with Roy for years I think one month won’t kill me.”

—

Roy was practically shoved out of the locker room, normally not weird but it was a bit weird because Jamie was still not in his kit.

He’s getting twitchy. It’ll be fine but it is the first game since being married, fuck it’s the first game in general.

He hears the players announcements, he hears a stumble in the sentence.

“Joey look at that! Jamie is wearing Kent on his kit! Looks like formerly known as Jamie Tartt is now going to be known as Jamie Kent, gotta say, I’m happy for them Joe.”

“Absolutely Richard, they were pretty private at their relationship but they got married a month into the off season. But Joey look down at Coach Kent. He looks shocked, we think this might be a surprise ladies and gentlemen!”

Fuck. Jamie.

Roy doesn’t know what his face is doing but he assumes it’s something smiley. Beard nudges him forward to where Jamie ended up in front of them.

He’s bouncing in place, must be nervous, nervous about how Roy will react?

Well count Roy as thoroughly turned on and happy. He knows. They promised they wouldn’t be relationshipy on the field but Roy’s pretty sure Jamie will forgive him.

He yanks Jamie to him. “Kent huh?” Jamie smiles and does a spin, god Roy hates the paparazzi but he’s going on google later to find these pictures.

“Thought you might like the surprise?”

Roy tilts his head back, Christ he’s about to do this, he leans down and kisses Jamie. “Love it. Love you. Now go focus so at least one of us is paying attention.”

Rebbeca has showed up down with them sometime during this, she’s smiling at them. “You do this Rebbeca?”

She laughs, patting his arm, “I might’ve known he wanted to shock you.”

Roy nods. God he’s happy.

Oh god.

His sister is going to be so annoying.

God Twitter.

God taking Jamie apart knowing his name is Jamie’s name.

Problems for later, they’ve got a game to win.

[ncsasp]

I keep thinking about the person I talked to at my big music thing at the start of the month.

For reference, this was the big area all-state festival for music, where the best players from one the area of the state got together and played music. To get in for orchestra, you needed to score reasonably high on your state music exam involving a complex solo piece, sight reading, and scales. I got a 97-ish score, getting me in, though I'm not nearly good enough to get a 100 and get into the full all-state festival, though i could have gotten in had i practiced more. (Funny story, i got a 99 on my chorus solo because i was breathing for too long. still INCREDIBLY pissed about that.)

Anyways, this festival was fun, I went for Orchestra on my cello, and we ended up playing Night on Bald Mountain as well as a couple other smaller pieces that were easier, but still fun nonetheless. I ended up sitting second to last chair, so obviously a lot of the people here were a lot better than I was. I could tell some stories about the things that went on during the festival but that's a time for later.

Anyways we get to the concert at the end of our two straight days of nonstop practicing, and as we're walking to prep to go on stage, I go chat with a friend who I knew from a different orchestra. I respected him, as he's definitely a lot better than I am. It's really just small talk, and I ask "What do you think of the music?" thinking that i would get a response like, "Oh, I'm having fun with it!" or "It's pretty hard!"

Instead he says "I'm kinda bored with it."

and my mind just freezes.

Bored? you're BORED?

I would get it if you said "Easy," because that's totally valid. I mean, the more you practice the easier it gets. But BORED???

I mean if you're at ALL familiar with Mussorgsky's Night on Bald Mountain, it is by NO MEANS BORING. Especially in the cello part. There's only one song I would consider even partially boring and that's ONE SONG. How the hell are you so confident in your playing that you have had time to get BORED?? and RIGHT BEFORE THE CONCERT NONETHELESS??? like, we're walking on stage in 2 minutes right before the concert and you're BORED?? you have NO performance anxiety, you have NOT improved at all over the past 2 days, and you're telling me, the second to last chair cello, that you're BORED?????

I've kinda been in shock about it since. That's incredibly rude, both to me AND the composers of the pieces we are playing, not to mention we MET the composer of one of our pieces via a zoom call during rehearsal, that's rude to the people who had to work to get in here, rude to yourself for working to get here, rude to the people who are higher up in the orchestra than you, as you are NOT the first chair, rude to the conductor, the people who chose the pieces, etc.

It really makes me mad just thinking about it because here I am, doing my best, sitting in the back, enjoying the music, just as worthy to be there as everyone else, and you're putting me in a shitty mood about 3 weeks after you said it.

Because music isn't something you should be getting bored of playing, no matter how long you've been playing the piece. Music isn't a thing you do for money, or because it's a challenge, music is an art. if you aren't putting your heart and soul into your music, you aren't going to produce good music. If you can't enjoy the music you're playing, no matter how easy it is to you, or how much you've played it, you are only just going to burn yourself out.

I love playing technical and complex pieces of music, I'm working on two different Rachmaninoff pieces (Prelude in C# minor and Polichinelle) both of which are kicking my ass repeatedly, but I still enjoy them. I do enjoy the challenge, but I also enjoy the music itself apart from the challenge. A piece doesn't need to be hard to be beautiful. A piece doesn't need to be fast and technical to be a masterpiece. There's a reason Pachelbel's Canon is still one of the most famous songs, despite being an infamously boring cello part, and cellists still want to fucking play that shit. partially because it is super easy money at weddings, and partially because it's a beautiful piece that despite it's simplicity has survived the test of time.

If you're bored playing a song, you're not listening to the music you're creating.

[worrywrite]

Remember when subscription boxes were a big deal? When everything sold online basically got turned into cheese of the month club? Every creative brand has some kind of project they'd send you, or a themed box of trinkets and useless dollar store crap or things you could buy for less than half the cost of the subscription from an LGS (or Walmart). Man, that was wild.

This isn't even a "whatever happened to those?" post. Because it's pretty clear they were never profitable, virtually worthless, depended on subscribers forgetting they had an automatic payment, and only became more expensive as the economy started to melt around 2019 (huh, wonder why it did that, he said sarcastically). And some of them are still technically around, they're just not sponsoring YouTube videos and streamers anymore.

It's kind of just wild that there is a particular era where this was an identifiable product type and now it almost doesn't exist anymore and I was here before that era and am still around after it.

[ilikecarsandlike4people]

cw grief, moving on, long ramble

It's been a bit under a year without Grandma T. I've dreaded Christmas, felt sick at the adverts asking "what does your Christmas look like?" knowing there will never be another Christmas for me. But today I was finally strong enough to open the big garbage bags in which all of her crochet work was stored in. I went through them, folded them and finally put them in the closet. My hallway is finally clear. And my heart is lighter. I know Christmas is going to be hard. But I'm going to do my best to hold onto the happy memories and traditions.

That being said, I've been trying to push through the Christmas countdown, just to kind of... get back to the idea of Christmas being happy and bright and full of laughter. And I hope I can share Christmas with you all this year, even though I cannot be with my family this year. Sorry for the long ramble. But thank you for taking time to listen.

[vampy-witch-moth]

*disclaimer that I'm speaking from my own individual experience*

There's a particularly interesting phenomenon that comes with transitioning. In specific I'm talking about a mental and/or emotional shift.

Like, I used to dislike horror overall. Aside from what I would call harmlessly "spooky", things in that genre always put me off, and I'd get shaken up by it and freaked out pretty easy. (But then now that i think about it the interest was still quietly there and the only two times I ever went to a haunted house it didn't seem to actually hit me that bad in hindsight.)

The reason I'm talking about this now is that some friends of mine got me to try a game called "project unknown" a couple days ago (for those familiar it's similar to what I understand "Phasmophobia" is like). I hadn't ever tried a game like it before, but wasn't apprehensive about it now because, since I've been more accepting of myself and my interests, I've realized I do enjoy the horror genre and a lot of it's topics. The biggest realization for me in all this though was that the game, though it is freaky, doesn't shake me up, like, at all.

As I play with my friends they're quietly panicking or entirely yelping and screaming and even in some cases hiding outside the house where it's safe before I literally coax them back in.

And this behavior coming from me, the girl who could barely tolerate playing through the "arbiters grounds" dungeon of "LoZ: twilight princess" alone pre-transition, is kind of remarkable

What I'm trying to get at is that my mental shift into accepting and understanding myself better has come with the intriguing side-effect of a massive increase in tolerance for the macabre and even aggressively frightening. I don't know that I could have handled this game before, and it's interesting that I can now with seemingly no identifiable reason why.