#Cracki

[frownyalfred]

the humorous upside to Jason really doubling down on being the kind of Red Hood who is at best morally grey and makes a habit of chopping off heads and shooting anyone he doesn’t agree with is that he is 100% Batman’s obscenely scary dog. the second he puts that bat symbol on his chest it’s over, even if it’s a mockery or a message or whatever. Gotham’s underbelly shits their pants when they see Red Hood. and therefore, Batman — brutal as he is, but so much less lawless, in a way — is suddenly the nice cop in his own city. the city where he routinely cracks skulls, stalks targets in the shadows, and throws people off buildings to get information. Jason makes him the “easy” option in Gotham, and while I’m sure the whole Jason thing keeps Bruce up at night for other reasons, that must be so frustrating? here you have a little shithead upstart elbowing into YOUR city and breaking the rules and suddenly goons are being nice to you? or they’re acting out because they’re more scared of the “other guy.” only a father could love that kind of prodigal son without strangling him.

[ninjasmudge]

Maid-fu Lamba

here is some context for why theyre maids

[elexuscal]

presented without comment

[savagegood]

What We Do In The Shadows 5.03 | Padres vs Nats 6.7.2021

[pearynice]

Continuation of birthday drabbles for @penny00dreadful, prompt: crack (IM GONNA BE ON SCHEDULE FROM NOW ON)

“Steve,” Eddie whines, voice high and breathy and feverish, “please, my beloved, come closer.”

“I’m not burning dinner so I can check your forehead. It’s the same as it was twenty minutes ago.” Steve stirs the soup, and Eddie whines louder.

“I can see the light, dearest mine,” his boyfriend moans, and Steve hears the thunk as Eddie rolls off the couch.

Steve does not look up from the soup.

“Please,” Eddie sniffles, out of Steve’s line of sight, “bury me next to my uncle, under the apple tree so children might one day find joy upon my grave.”

“Wayne’s not dead.” Steve deadpans, lifting his face from the soup to grab the bread he’d bought on his way home, laying two slices out on a baking try and slathering them with butter, “and I think he might find issue with you saying—”

“Make my funeral be not a solemn affair,” Eddie goes on, interrupting him, “but a celebration of my life which was cut so very short.” He hacks a particularly dramatic cough, and Steve slides the bread under the broiler.

“Will do, babe.” Steve goes on, finding the strength to humor him, “I’ll make sure they play Megadeath as they lower you into the ground.”

“Traitor!” Eddie croons, “my most trusted beloved, betraying me so wholly as to play the turncoats tunes during my body’s final hours upon this earth!”

Steve pulls the soup from the burner, and takes two bowls from their cabinet. “Parsley on yours?”

Eddie pauses. “Only a little.”

Steve grabs the parsley from the fridge, and hears Eddie take another large breath.

“Make my gravestone read something honorable, please, my dearest. Have it commemorate my many great achievements. Slayer of Devils. Conquerer of Hells. Worshipper of fat asses.”

Steve pours the soup into bowls. Pulls the browned bread from the oven and takes it all to their small living room, where Eddie is still lying between the couch and the coffee table.

Eddie gasps when he sees him. “It is but an angel to carry me away! This must be the end! Please, my love, stay true to me and never bed another. My spirit could not bear it, even in death. It is my only request.”

Steve sets down their food. “Do you want to eat on the couch or the floor?”

Eddie scratches at his eyes. Then holds out a hand. “Help me?”

Steve hauls him up. Gently. Eddie’s still warm, despite the dramatic flair. His skin slightly clammy as Steve situates him, wrapping a blanket around his lap and placing the bowl in his lap. He goes in for a kiss, but Eddie ducks his head.

“Don’t wan’ you to get sick.” He sniffles, fishing a tissue from his sweatshirt. He wetly blows his nose.

Steve kisses him on the forehead instead. Gives him his soup, and joins him on their lumpy couch.

Eddie eats with his mouth open, his nose stuffed to hell, and swallows. “Thank you.” He sniffs. “‘S really good, Stevie.”

Steve hums. “What happened to dearest-mine? My love? Angel?”

Eddie laughs, and it turns into a coughing fit, and Steve has to hold his bowl of soup so it doesn’t spill all over his lap. Eyes watering, Eddie smiles. “Dearest-mine,” he begins, taking the bowl back, “my love, my angel, my one and only, thank you for the soup. How did you know this would be the only cure? My spirit will now never have to watch you bed another, for I will be able to stand by your side for many years to come with this delicious elixir of life.” Eddie leans into his side, and Steve kisses his temple.

“I love you too.” Steve murmurs.

Tag list✨: @hotluncheddie @hitlikehammers @hbyrde36 @littlewildflowerkitten @chaotic-waffle

@westifer-dead @perseus-notjackson @finntheehumaneater @theheadlessphilosopher @spectrum-spectre

@itsall-taken @marvel-ous-m @bookworm0690 @acasualcrossfade @transvampireboyfriend

(IM SORRY FOR TAGGING YALL TWICE IN ONE DAY AGAIN BUT LAST TIME PEOPLE SAID IT WAS OKAY SO)

[raileurta]

Humans are scary to Cybertronians but in the way spiders are scary to people. They're small mostly harmless creatures and usually more scared of you but 1% of them can infact kill you will also be incredibly horrifying to look at.

We don't have enough fur to cover our skin, our mouth protrusions are so weird, have acid inside of us, and the fact we eat other organics is just so messed up.

[rdps01]

horror time

[rainscenes]

symbiosis

buddie | 8.9k words | explicit hangovers, tattoos, and possessive sex (somewhat in that order)

When Buck turns to the side to step into the shower he freezes, suddenly and shockingly wide-awake, because there’s something very, very abnormal in his periphery, so out of place he almost can’t make himself look straight at it in the mirror. But then he does, and for a moment forgets how to work his lungs. Because there’s the blue-black shadow of fresh ink under his skin, ugly cursive script, about three inches wide right on his ass. Eddie, it says, high on the curve of his right cheek.

Buck and Eddie get blackout drunk, and then learn something new about themselves. And each other.

[mymoshangthoughts]

headcanon that airplane is the biggest liujiu shipper

wrote fanfiction, liked the concept, and when he saw them irl interact he was like "maaannn why'd i have to give them such a tragic ending??"

so initially when liu qingge lived through the caves and liuyuan started to get along, he was like "omg my ship is HAPPENING" but then he found out about cucumber bro and he's like, lowkey upset at shen yuan for sinking his ship x'D it's not the end of the world, but man, cucumber-bro really does suck the fun out of everything

so like, post series, shang qinghua is the middle of his very confusing Will-They-Won't-They courtship with Mobei-Jun. like on one hand, mobei is seRIOUSLY starting to make progress with things and shang qinghua is enjoying his violence-free and noodle-full life, but also mobei is like... fucking confusing.

so he decides, fuckit, im pretty sure i had some mind-reading amulet or someshit in chapter who-even-knows (prolly cucumber-bro, man that dudes memory is like a steel trap) and he's like "aight i'll go find that amulet and then i can figure out if my king is just giving me all the most confusing mixed signals in the world or if he's like, actually into me"

so he goes on the quest, somehow manages to snag the amulet, and all is well and good until he realizes he fucking misremembered the plot-lines. the PENDANT was the one with the mind reading powers, the AMULET gives you the ability to see and touch and communicate with ghosts!!

which is an objectively terrible and cursed thing that shang qinghua decidedly does not wanna bother with. hell no. he does not get paid enough for that shit. so while he's toying with the amulet over on an ding and contemplating what to do with it, he just happens to spot liu qingge being stalked by a ghost...

...a very specific ghost...

so, like any shipper with the opportunity to Make It Canon, airplane shooting toward the sky knows EXACTLY what to do with the amulet >:D

[allastoredeer]

Since you're a multishipper (love that) have you consider Adam, Lucifer and Alastor as a trio? (Poor, poor Alastor)

Any thoughts?

Do I want Alastor to be stuck in the middle of a petty angel sandwich?

Yes. Yes I do.

[quietplace26]

Ok, so me and @arn9tails was chatting about their au again, and swerved off onto my Soulmate au post that's also involved in their au, and the gist is,

"Zhongli is MC's soulmate, the first instance of a human bonded to a Teyvatian. When a soul bond is solidified between an Earthling and Teyvatian, the Earthling will become the size of a Teyvatian. So, when she hit her head, she became the first instance of an "Ascended Earthling" Rest of the thingy goes pretty normally, but folks start worshipping her." - @arn9tails

Basically, an alternative take on my Zhongli Soulmate post, which is right HERE if ya'll want to read it. Enjoy the crack and fluff!

Zhongli

Soulmate bonds worked in mysterious ways. Everyone knew that. No amount of studying or experimenting could ever truly describe a bond between Soul-Hearts.

It just existed, and people accepted that.

Only... no amount of Soulmate specialists on Earth considered this possible situation.

At the conference in (your choice) city, in the largest stadium in county, a Soulmate bond like no other was witness in front of a crowd of thousands of people and cameras.

An Earthling born human woman, and a GOD from another world, one that many knew was from a hit video game called Genshin Impact, was seen firsthand completing their Soulmate bond.

And the aftereffects... were shocking.

Once the GOD, Rex Lapis, touched the still unnamed Earthling woman, who by eyewitnesses' reports, seemed to be injured, started to glow... and started to GROW.

Yes, you heard right. She started to GROW in size, quickly becoming the size of what we believe is a standard Teyvatian female's size.

By the time glow finally reseeded, Rex Lapis had already bundled up his new Soul-Heart in his jacket and was snapping at the Earthling delegates that he was leaving and left back for his nation.

It's been a some time since then, and many, MANY Earthlings were curious about the fate of the former Earthling.

The Earthling government was keeping tight lips about her status and such, so who knows what had become of her...

Meanwhile in Liyue...

"...Oh, Lady MC!"

"Lady MC, how are you and Lord Rex Lapis doing today?"

"Mom, look, it's Lady MC and Lord Rex Lapis! Hi!"

You smile as a little girl wave excitedly to you, which you return with a giggle as the little girl squeals in excitement over the fact you waved back at her.

Next to you, Zhongli chuckles in amusement, his arm tightening around your waist as he led you down the bustling streets of Liyue.

"Seems you are quite the popular one today, dearest."

He says this... even though it was like this everyday for you since you arrived in Liyue.

Yes. For whatever reason, you being Zhongli's- ahem, I mean Rex Lapis's Soulmate means you yourself were given godly status like him?

Let rewind back a year. All the way back when MC first woke up in Liyue... and in a shirtless Zhongli's arms!

To her relief, she didn't say anything stupid or sus at that moment as the soul bond between the two of them clicked into place.

After that, the two of them mostly lazed around in bed holy shit she was in Geo daddy's bed, not really talking. Just soaking in one another's presence...

Though, eventually, Zhongli and MC got up, or well, Zhongli got up and carried her in his arms Oh god he did have dark colored arms with glowly lines on them! to his kitchen where he made some tea for two of them.

You two ended up talking for a few hours after that. The of them carefully probing one another with questions and such, slowly getting to know each other.

But the questions about their Soulmate bond was brought up, with Zhongli on the theory that MC didn't originally know he was her Soulmate... which MC then timidly tells him the truth.

MC: "Uh... Well, I've known you're my soulmate for a few years now? Heheh... Y-you know about Genshin Impact, yes?"

The face Zhongli made immediately caused MC to flinch with a squeak. Ok, he knew about it and HATED it, that was very much apparent!

Thankfully he calmed down, admitting that, YES, he knew about it... it was what ruined his retirement after all.

Ah... that would do it, huh?

MC: "W-well, did you know that a S-soulmate mark can mistake when their destined one... dies?" She phased this question awkwardly as Zhongli gave her a confused look.

MC would then explain how when she saw his 'death' happened at the Rite of Descension, her Soulmate mark went on the fritz for good few minutes, messing badly with her emotions.

MC: "It was scary... You know? I had no clue what was happening to me. Why I was crying, or why I was sad... I just felt like I lost a part of myself for a moment-"

She didn't notice she was crying when remembering that scary moment. Only when arms that were starting to become very familiar to her wrapped around her body in a tight hug.

For the next hour Zhongli would hold her, letting our deep rumbling purrs and murmuring quiet apologies for scaring her like that.

He just wanted to retire! Not scare his poor soulmate to near death!

After that it was mostly MC explaining how she met him 'in game' and the journey on her realizing that, hey, this supposedly not real man was her Soulmate. Oh, woe is her

Zhongli thankfully didn't hold it against her when she admitted to ONLY playing Genshin because it was the only way to be near him...

But Zhongli's only worry was the fact she had to deal with a one-sided Soulmate bond for a few years. That should've been an excruciating pain for a human to handle!

When MC only shrugged, saying she got used to it, Zhongli didn't know whether to impressed or worried. He was already thinking of calling Dr. Baizhu again-

But before he could do that, he hears MC admit she was originally not going to go to that conference. Because she felt like she didn't deserve him.

MC: "I mean, well, I'm human. And you're a God. There was also that issue with the size differences... but apparently, it's not an issue anymore?"

MC was still very much confused about her sudden growth, but that worried was thrown out the window when Zhongli drags her in for another hug, firmly placing her on his lap, and growling in her face that she should never think that way again!

Zhongli: "You, my 灵魂伴侣 (soulmate), are mine. You are my destined one. The one fate decided was my other half of my soul. So, do not ever think that you are never enough. Do you understand me, dearest?"

Poor MC barely manages to squeak out a yes before Zhongli presses a soft kiss to her forehead, making her squeak once again.

This man- no... this God was going to be the death of her...

The rest of the conversation that follows was thankfully simpler and straight to the point. It was mostly Zhongli explaining that since MC was his Soul-Heart, and because of she had become Teyvatian size, she would remain in Liyue with him.

Where, in Zhongli's eyes, she rightfully belonged.

It was then agreed that both MC and Zhongli wouldn't immediately get married as Zhongli wanted to court her properly

And how could MC say no to that logic. What girl wouldn't want to be courted by a handsome man that was their Soul-Heart?

And just like that, MC began her life in Liyue... with her Soul-Heart, Zhongli.

~Extra Notes~

As mentioned before, the people of Liyue automatically placed MC on Zhongli's level over the fact the two of them were soulmates.

MC found the whole thing a bit awkward as she was technically still human- wait, what do you mean when she soul bonded with Zhongli she became essentially immortal like him?!

Since she was treated on the same ground as Zhongli, MC tried too at least take part with helping Liyue. It was simple things, mostly incorporating some things from Earthling culture. Mainly food drives and Toys-for-Tots kind of deal for those with little Mora.

Turns out these simple acts of kindness only brought up her popularity even more.

Zhongli also eventually introduced her to the Adepti once she was more settled in, and as a way to hopefully break the ice as she was absolutely terrified at meeting Cloud Retainer and the other Adepti... she brought food.

She may've stressed cooked a little too much, but a pot of steaming food in hand, she smiles shyly up at the Adepti and introduces herself as she offered food.

MC is still surprised at how quickly the food was gobbled up, but hearing all the compliments made it so much better for her.

It made her so confident that she even made cute little bento boxes for them to take food home with!

Xiao was the most flustered one out of all of them when handed the bento box, but MC finds it empty and clean in the kitchen the next morning.

This starts a rather adorable trend of Xiao stopping by every so often to pick up his personal bento box cause MC wanted him to eat more and come talk to her.

She wanted to be his friend! And friend she shall be!

MC also easily befriends the Adepti in the harbor. Madame Ping was just as nice as she was in the game, even sharing some more... amusing, stories about Zhongli in his hay day.

All the while the Geo Archon himself was pouting beside MC, grumbling about none of the things Ping was saying was true, but the telltale sign of light blush on his cheeks said differently.

Ganyu was also another Adepti MC spoke to a lot. Sometimes she even went over to Ganyu's workplace and took her out eat so the poor overworked Adepti could relax for once.

Despite all the positive relationships MC was growing in Liyue... there was some negative ones...

Keqing. To be honest, MC never really liked her in Genshin, finding her personality awful and the way she was so rude and condescending to the Adepti and the divine in general putting a sour taste in MC's mouth.

She also made MC lose her 50/50 too many times, that bit-

And that continues on when meeting Keqing for real. MC could see the disgust in the other woman's eyes when she saw MC and Zhongli... so, when no one was looking, MC sneered back and flips her off.

Of course, Keqing tried to get MC in trouble for that, but Ningguang tells her to be silent and apologize to MC for causing her and Lord Rex Lapis trouble.

Zhongli would later mention how he saw it and thought it was cute how sassy MC was.

He also asked if MC wanted him to 'deal' with Keqing.

MC: "...Deal with her how, Zhongli? ...Zhongli!"

Another small issue that occurred... was Xiangling.

It all started while MC and Zhongli were dinning at family's restaurant, and Xiangling was rambling to her friends, which MC noticed was Chongyun and Xingqiu, about Earth, and-

Xiangling: "Those Earthlings are such exotic looking creatures! I wonder what they taste like?"

MC's face immediately lost all color as she dropped her chopsticks in utter horror, and Zhongli was already getting off his seat, his expression filled with cold rage at the still oblivious Xiangling.

Thankfully, no one was hurt killed as Chongyun and Xingqiu yanked her away, hissing something to her before the chef's own face went white as she glanced over to MC.

A few minutes later MC awkwardly pats the now crying Xiangling's head as the young chef apologized for her words.

Besides that, there was a small issue with the Fatui? MC wasn't sure as Zhongli kept her out of the issue.

Unknown to her, Dottore was caught poking around Liyue, something about him wanting to 'Chat' with the ex-Earthling woman.

Needless to say, he was booted from Liyue and Zhongli sent a lengthy letter to the Tsaritsa about keeping that thing away from his wife less she wanted one less Harbinger.

And that was how Dottore was banned from ever entering Liyue again or even coming within a mile of MC.

After a month or so into her new life in Liyue, MC started to feel a little homesick.

It wasn't too bad, but she did miss her the familiarity of her old apartment. Her old room, with all her well love books, her movie collection, and her large, LARGE Pokémon plush collection.

Zhongli eventually finds out about this... and he disappears for a few days.

Unknown to you he had gone back to MC's Earthling nation and after some small talk with some officials, he manages to get his hands on her belongings, which had been thankfully stored away by MC's old landlady.

He had no clue what were in these tiny boxes, but he hoped it would bring a smile back to his Soul-Heart's face...

Zhongli returns to Liyue, immediately going to ask Cloud Retainer to building something that could increase the size of the boxes and their belongings inside, and once that was done, he shows them to MC.

The happy squeal she let out along with the hug and kiss she gave him made Zhongli's day as his Soul-Heart ripped opened the biggest of the boxes... and pull out a large, strange creature?

Meanwhile MC was over the moon as she hugged her giant Lapras plush! She had her things back!

And when she pulled out more of her Pokémon plushies, Zhongli asked, "What are these... tiny plush creatures? Are they native beings to your world?"

A curious sound leaves Zhongli, a sound MC loving liked to describe as his 'Drago noises', as he cradles your Dragonair plush.

For the rest of the day, MC had pleasure of telling Zhongli everything about the joys of Pokémon and even gave him a few of her plushies that she noticed his eyes kept glancing at.

A Dragonite, a normal colored Dragonair and its shiny counterpart, and a Dratini! (Picture here!)

Hm... Maybe she could get Cloud Retainer to make a charger for her Switch, and she could show Zhongli the Pokémon gaming experience?

The two of them dug more through MC's stuff, which only brought more and more questions from Zhongli as he curiously examined everything.

When MC explained the concept of Movies and showed him some of her old DVD collection and old dingy DVD played... Zhongli actually looked childlike. His eyes had an excited glow to them.

Stories told in moving, talking pictures or even with real people? He wanted to see them! Especially that one MC mention was her favorite. What was it... Oh, How to Train Your Dragon?

Cue Cloud Retainer being MVP again and got MC's DVD player and TV working, and both MC and Zhongli spent the next night or so binge watching all her movies.

It was so, SO cute watching Zhongli enjoy the movies. When they would finish one, he'd look to MC, eyes begging to watch something else.

The two of them literally watched through several of her favorite Disney and Studio Ghibi movies, along with Narnia, Lord of The Rings, Kung Fu Panda and few other movies you had on hand.

Watching the Jurassic Park movies was an interesting experience though. As Zhongli learns about Dinosaurs for the first time.

Zhongli: "You mean to tell me you used to have dragons, but they all went extinct by a giant meteor slamming into the planet?" Not him glancing at his special attack.

MC: "Not dragons, honey. Dinosaurs. There's a difference."

This man was too cute, what the hell-

Hm... Maybe MC could get Cloud Retainer to help her somehow connect to the internet on her dead laptop? Then maybe she could pull up even more movies and even show Zhongli some Anime and Cartoons!

The Pokemon series/Movies was a must, Avatar the Last Airbender, oh, and maybe Monkie Kid! It would be fun to explain Sun Wukong to Zhongli through this silly cartoon.

Zhongli would be like, "A monkey god??? Really?" Proceeds to hear all of Sun Wukong's lore and realizes he would've loved to fight this guy back in his Morax days.

Besides that, Zhongli found MC's Dragonair onesie. It was something she bought on whim, and while it was no doubt childish, it was so comfortable and warm to wear at home.

To her delight, a few days later Zhongli manages to acquire his own 'onesie', one that was made to look similar to his Exuiva form.

Dragon onesies lovers!

~Extra, EXTRA notes. Baby edition~

It was a few weeks or so after MC and Zhongli returned from their honeymoon in Sumeru when the first signs were noticed.

Zhongli noticing MC's scent changing ever so slightly. Her change in appetite and feeling sick in the morning or due to certain smells.

It could be only one thing, but the couple wanted to be sure, so they talked to Baizhu... and it was true. MC was pregnant.

If she hadn't been adored before, then Liyue reached a new height of adoration for MC. She was carrying their God's child, so of course they were excited!

Zhongli was of course nervous about her carrying an Adepti child, much less his, but MC calmed him by saying she trusted him and Baizhu to take care of her and their little 'bun in the oven'.

For the next nine months, poor MC had to deal with an increasingly feral and dragony Soul-Heart.

Barely even a month pregnant and she wanted to take a short walk? No! Back into the nest! Every answered from Zhongli ended with that.

MC was permanently nest bound for the majority of her pregnancy due to her Soulmate's overprotective dragon instincts going wild over her.

Despite her being moody because of this... she didn't hold it against Zhongli. This was his first child after all, she couldn't blame him for being so frazzled over this.

She did demand plenty of cuddles, kisses, Pokémon plushies that he was able to obtain from the Earthling nations, and maybe some se-

... Nine months later, and on a snowy, winter day in Liyue, the Geo Archon's first child, first daughter, graced the world with a loud cry.

She was proudly named Xue (雪 (xuě) meaning "snow"), as in memory of the rare, pretty snow fall that graced the Harbour on the day of her birth.

Xue was very much Zhongli's child. MC even jokingly says it was clear who's gene pool was stronger as little Xue looked exactly like her proud papa!

Zhongli disagrees saying Xue looks more like MC because of her smile.

While it was normal for new parents to have bumps in raising their child, MC hadn't had much issue yet, and her child was half Adepti!

But one thing did happen one late night...

MC and Zhongli woke up from a dead sleep with a crash is heard from the nursery... and all they found was a tipped over crib, some shredded clothes they knew was Xue's onesie... but no Xue.

Zhongli had already darted off, saying he was going to call for the Adepti and close the exits off. MC could already feel the earth shaking from his rage alone.

But as soon as he left, MC heard a small noise from down the hall in the living room.

There, hidden under the couch and shaking in fear was a small Dragon that looked like a tiny, chibi version of Zhongli's Exuvia form.

MC: "...Xue?"

MC immediately goes to find Zhongli, Baby Hatchling!Xue in her arms, so she could prevent her Soul-Heart from unintentionally destroying Liyue in an earthquake because of his rage.

Not even 10 minutes later Zhongli was in his own Dragon form, gently nosing and licking a squeaking and chirping Xue, who playfully bats at his nose with her tiny paws.

MC, watching this, playfully clutches a hand over her heart, saying she couldn't take the cuteness.

She proceeds to get pounced and cuddled by her Dragon Soul-Heart and Hatchling daughter.

After that it wasn't uncommon to see Xue in her hatchling form as she couldn't control her shifting yet like Zhongli could.

This meant getting Adepti magic infused baby clothes because getting new ones every time she shifts, thus ripping them, was becoming a bit of a pain and loss of Mora.

Thank you, Cloud Retainer and Madame Ping for coming in clutch.

It wouldn't be too much of an issue. Just need to modify somethings, like it being able to stretch out to fit Xue's Hatchling form, and most importantly, her little tail.

MC still loses her mind over that little tail and the little tail fluff at the end. it was just too cute... at least until she accidentally gets faced slap by it and has fur in her mouth.

Thus, why MC had the glee of having a custom baby onesie made, and Zhongli agreed with the finished project with a smile of his own.

...The internet broke. Simple as that.

And it was all because of simple social media post. The issue was... it was a post from the Earthling woman turned Teyvatian's account.

And the post? Well...

It was 3 people, all of whom were sitting on a floor and in cartoonish onesies.

The Ex-Earthling woman, MC (Dragonair onesie), the Geo Archon (Exuvia onesie), and... a small toddler (Shiny Dratini onesie) sits on MC's lap. All of 3 them were smiling.

And the caption reads, "Just a simple, happy family"

[ditzymelody]

internet girls

[clotpolesonly]

i really don't think we talk enough about Declan shunning Matthew when they were small. like, Matthew was dreamt up at maybe 1.5 years old? still a baby/toddler, with Ronan being 3 and Declan somewhere in the vicinity of 5. and Declan didn't have his lightning strike moment of revelation and start loving Matthew until they were old enough for Ronan (at least) to be competing in musical festivals. you can only be so young for those.

it had to have been years. YEARS of Declan stubbornly resisting any kind of bonding with this usurper child that spawned into his family. years of Aurora trying to coax him into loving Matthew the way everybody else did. yeeeeaaars of rejection and palpable resentment.

it's wild that we don't talk about that, or that we never see any mention of it in the text outside of that one flashback after Matthew's "death". i mean, it must have contributed to Declan's isolation within the family unit, and to Ronan's firmly held belief that Declan doesn't care about their family. how much of this does Matthew remember? was he hurt by it? i can't imagine he wouldn't have been, at least a little bit. does he remember more about it as he starts self-actualizing and really questioning things that he's let slide in the past? does he ever confront Declan about it?

Declan used to hate Matthew. and we as a fandom just. let that go.

[declamationark]

Between Danny’s constant sleep deprivation, school stress, and his villains’ differing levels of goofiness, I’m surprised he didn’t try just.. crying, like there’s a reasonable chance they immediately regret making this kid cry

like dude, you get catharsis and your enemies get Guilted into awkwardly going "there there buddy (help??? how to stop crying??? do I just pat the kid's head????)" and giving you gifts

[raileurta]

Miko fucking with decepticons who joined the autobots

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

*Inside of knockout's alt*

Knockout being annoying: blah blah bla

Miko: Hey did you know humans can explode?

Knockout: What....?

Miko: Yeah we can just self destruct whenever we want.

Knockout: That can't be true! No organic species can blow up any part of their body.

Miko: Look up the appendix.

*Google searching noises*

Knockout screeching to a halt: HOLY PRIMUS! What the hell is wrong with your species?!!?

Miko: Like so much.

Knockout didn't talk for the rest of the drive.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Miko: For no particular reason at all did you know all humans can theoretically eat an entire car

Breakdown:

Miko: Everything is edible in it.

Breakdown: Kid I will admit you're good at threatening people but Primus calm down already.

Miko: Never.✨

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Starscream: Uuuuugh how can you be such of fragging feral chaos insect?!

Miko: Because I'm secretly Unicrons daughter who's just came here to be a menace in your lives

Starscream:

Starscream: I don't like how high of a possibilty right now that you're telling the truth.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

[luxaofhesperides]

Ghostlights where Phantom saves Duke or the Signal, and a week later (at a Wayne gala or some other place) Duke recognizes the light/aura coming from Danny

Putting off gala prep was perhaps not the best plan. Duke spent the past month insisting that everything is fine and he has it under control. Duke is also a lying liar who lies, and now he’s frantically trying to pick up his suit in time to get it dry cleaned and altered as necessary. 

Alfred would be disappointed in him, but in Duke’s defense, he had to go out of town on a mission to bust a growing drug cartel, and then spent half a week visiting a shelter for metas on the run (unofficial and hidden away) to help everyone find new homes and learn to control their powers. These things take time!

Unfortunately, gala prep also takes time, and since it’s a charity gala for funding the education of every Gothamite student, it’s not one he can slip out of. The entire family is being strong-armed into attending and not making a scene until the donation period in the first half is over. 

Duke knows he’s not the only one who’s scrambling to get ready for a gala that’s taking place in three days, but they’re not helping him, so it feels like he’s the only one messing up. 

“Sorry!” he calls behind him as he sprints through a group of people. 

He could have asked someone to drive him, but he knows they’re all busy and doesn’t want his own poor time management to cause problems for anyone else. Even though he’s sure Bruce is looking for an excuse to get out of a mandatory Wayne Enterprises board meeting that both Lucius and Tim dragged him to.

RIP Bruce. He will be missed.

The Diamond District is full of people walking the streets, sprinting between parked cars and waiting for their rides. They’re all dressed nicely, making him feel out of place. It’s a feeling that’s never left him since he joined the Waynes but it’s particularly bad when he’s left to navigate these spaces alone. Rich people and socialites are a different kind of human, one that Duke doesn’t care to understand; there’s greed in all of them, turning them heartless, and they can give as much as they want to charity but it won’t change the fact that all they do is a performance to make people like them, rather than a desire to do anything good. 

The sooner this is over, the better. He keeps going, hoping that he can still make it to his appointment with the tailor. Alfred recommended the store, then set up the appointment, so all Duke has to do is trust their judgment as they get him fitted. He’s still got twenty minutes until the scheduled time, but some unspoken rule makes it so he has to show up fifteen minutes early for better service or risk being turned away and told to reschedule. 

Duke slows to a walk when he catches sight of the store, the trying to catch his breath and look more composed before he reaches the door. He takes a moment to straighten his clothes a bit, then opens the door and steps in.

The bell jingles pleasantly above his head. The store is empty of any other customers, and the employee at the front counter looks up with a plastered on smile. 

“I’ll be with you in a moment!” she says, then looks down at her phone and types something out before placing it under the counter. A tablet comes out instead and she swipes through a few screens, then sets it down and look at Duke again. “How can I help you, sir?”

“I have an appointment? For a suit fitting. Under the name Thomas.”

She taps on the screen for a minute, then nods and gives him another customer service smile. “Alright, I’ll go ahead and grab the tailor. They’ll be out with your suit soon. Please, feel free to take a seat or browse some of our suits. We just recently got a new collection in from Italy.”

“Sure, thanks. I’ll just… be here, I guess.”

The employee takes her tablet and disappears through a door, leaving him alone in the store. He doesn’t want to sit down, not while his heart is still trying to settle from his sprint through half of Diamond District, so Duke wanders around the neat stacks of dress shirts and vests, pants and belts and shoes lined up neatly against the walls. 

He takes a moment to shoot Alfred a text that he’s at the tailor for his fitting appointment. Steph’s sent him a long string of videos online, and he’s just about to go through them when the bell rings again. 

Duke glances up and watches a guy walk into the store. He looks around, makes eye contact with Duke, then quickly looks down, taking a seat by the door.

Probably another upper class citizen uncomfortable with the fact that someone in jeans and a hoodie is shopping for suits. Shaking his head lightly, Duke wanders deeper into the store to get some distance between them so they could ignore each other more easily. It’s only until the tailor comes out, and then he can go to a fitting room and be done with this whole thing, so Duke resigns himself to suffering through the tense silence. 

How long is he even supposed to wait? He can only look at clothes in one of three colors before he gets bored. 

He goes to another rack, trying to see if he can notice anything different about these shirts. 

And then he hears a shoe scuff against the floor behind him. He tenses up, but before he can turn around, a belt is wound around his throat, pulling him back and choking him. 

Duke drops his weight, tucking his chin and gets a hand against the inside of the belt to try to push it away. His back hits someone’s chest and he’s trapped, focused on trying not to be choked to death while also keeping his vigilante abilities and meta powers secret. 

More footsteps come from behind, and a soaked cloth is pressed against his nose and mouth.

Chloroform, he realizes, familiar with the smell from Bruce’s training. But training isn’t enough to keep him from being knocked out, and he quickly slips away from the waking world, falling to the ground. 

Just before he passes out completely, he hears the employee who greeted him say, “I’m not sure how much Wayne would be willing to pay for him, but let’s start high and negotiate lower. New kid can’t possibly be worth that much…”

Duke wakes up groggily, memories of what happened quickly snapping into place. He’s too out of it still to get up, but he’s awake enough to be offended. Sure he’s the new kid, and barely even a Wayne, but he’s still worth a lot!

Kidnappers these days. So rude.

He doesn’t hear anyone around him, and it feels like he’s lying on a cold concrete floor. Basement, maybe? Warehouse? Storage unit tucked away somewhere? There’s nothing much to see when Duke is able to open his eyes, squinting bareilly at his surroundings. His arms are tied behind him, wrists bound, but they left his legs alone. 

If he could just hit the panic button on his bracelet…

Duke wiggles around, fighting through the lingering effects of Chloroform, and manages to sit up. If he strains his hearing, he thinks he can hear voices outside of the empty room he’s been left in. There’s a window high up, too high for a normal person to reach without help, but if he can use the shadows to travel through it, then he may be able to escape on his own. 

First things first: he needs to free his hands before anyone comes in to check on him.

They used zip ties on him, which is inconvenient. He’s learned how to get out of them, but it’s difficult enough without being drugged and having to do it behind his back. 

He’s feeling the zip ties bite into his wrists just as there’s a crash from outside the room. His kidnappers yell, alarmed, and are quickly silenced. That’s rarely ever a good sign. Duke renews his efforts to escape, ignore the pain in pushing against his binds like this. 

The door opens. Duke hears the small click of a lock disengaging and freezes. Then he gets to his feet, still unsteady, and prepares to ram his head into anyone who comes near him like some sort of deranged battering ram, or a drunk raging bull. 

Duke is ready for the worst: a gang hoping to steal away a Wayne hostage, a Rogue, Gnomon popping in to cause trouble for the sole purpose of getting on Duke’s nerve. 

He’s not expecting another teenage boy, who is literally glowing, to poke his head in and zero in on Duke. He blinks, then smiles; it’s friendly and sincere, nothing like the employee who helped kidnap him. 

“Hey!” he says, coming into the room properly. He’s floating a good foot off the ground, eyes a bright neon green, with white hair that sways as if he’s underwater. “Are you okay? I saw them drag you out of the back of the store and followed them, but I got a bit lost. Sorry for taking so long to get here.”

“...It’s fine?” Duke offers, trying to wrap his head around what’s happening. “I wasn’t expecting a rescue so soon, anyways. Think you can help me out here?”

“Yeah, of course!” he flies closer, then drops down to the ground behind Duke. He hums lightly under his breath, and then Duke feels a cold touch on his wrist and the zip ties are suddenly gone. 

Duke blinks, then brings his arms in front of him. He moves around a bit to make sure he’s not hallucination, and sure enough, he’s free and unbound because a random meta teenager vanished the zip ties into the ether, or something. 

“Thanks, man. Any idea where we are?”

“Not a clue. I got lost coming here, and I was following them. I don’t think you should trust any directions I give.”

“Fair enough,” Duke laughs. “I’m Duke, by the way.”

“Phantom.”

“Well, thanks for the save, Phantom. Can I treat you to something?”

“Like, coffee?”

“Sure. Or brunch, or ice cream. Whatever you want, really.”

Phantom considers it for a moment, then shakes his head. “Sorry, I would love to but going out in public looking like this,” he gestures to himself, “Is not a great idea. Thanks for the offer though. You got a ride?”

Duke pats his pockets, then sighs. “My phone’s gone. I still have my wallet, though.”

“I fly you to someplace you can call someone, if you’d like.”

“You sure? I could probably just walk out of here and call a taxi.”

“I don’t think walking around by yourself after being kidnapped is a great idea,” Phantom says, doubtfully. “Seriously, let me fly you.”

He should just hit the panic button and wait for someone to show up to get him. He shouldn’t go to some unknown location with a meta he literally just met. 

But, you know what? No one else can say they got kidnapped twice in one day, so Duke nods and says, “Sure, sweep me off my feet, Phantom. You gotta commit to this rescue.”

Phantom laughs. And then he does sweep Duke off his feet into a princess carry with a cheeky grin and flies them out the building, which turns out to be an abandoned apartment building slated for demolition. 

“Keep this up and you’ll be replacing Superman in no time,” Duke jokes.

“I think I could manage it,” Phantom replies thoughtfully. “I mean, I’m already prettier than him, don’t you think?”

“Oh, definitely. The glow really brings out your eyes.”

Phantom gets him a few blocks away when Duke recognizes where they are, and quickly directs him into Crime Alley. They land on top of one of Jason’s safe houses, and while he’s sure there’s enough security to take out a SWAT Team, that’s absolutely not going to stop him from breaking in to use one of Jason’s burner phones and eat his leftovers. 

He’s set down on his feet gently, and as soon as Phantom sees that he’s fine, able to walk and everything, he floats back up, just out of reach.

“Be careful, okay?” he says, getting ready to leave.

“I’ll do my best. Hey, are you gonna be in Gotham for a while, or…?”

Phantom gives him a tired smile. “Nah. I’m just passing through. As long as my luck doesn’t get even worse, then I should be out of here in a few days.”

“Shame,” Duke says, giving Phantom a very visible once over. He’s pretty tall, and Duke can see some muscle on him, and the tight black outfit really adds to his look. The glow that comes out of his chest makes him look ethereal and Duke is beyond glad that he got such a charming rescuer.

Phantom doesn’t blush like a normal person. He glows brighter instead, curling into himself a bit as he looks away, unable to stop the smile from growing on his face. 

“I guess,” he shrugs. “Are you really going to be alright from here?”

“Yeah, man, I have a friend who lives here. I’ll just bother him until he agrees to give me a ride.”

“Alright.” Phantom drifts away, glancing behind him before turning back to Duke. “I’ll get going then. Take care, Duke!”

Duke waves and watches as Phantom begins to fly away. Then Phantom… disappears? Or rather, his body does but Duke can see an orb of light making its way across Gotham, almost like a star fallen from the sky.

He stays on the roof until the light is long gone. When he’s finally ready to go in and steal from Jason, the sun has completely set. 

And he still doesn’t have his suit.

Duke sighs, and mentally prepares himself to other day of stressing out about the gala.

Three days of stress and last minute scrambling leave Duke in the Gotham Museum of Modern Art with Steph, Tim, Cass, and Damian. They’re hiding in the photography gallery to avoid other guests, taking a break from being polite and letting thinly veiled, passive aggressive insults slide over them.

.

.

.

“How much longer must we suffer this before we can go?” Damian grumbles, looking like he’s do anything to get his hands on a blade. Which, considering how many people tried to either pinch his cheeks are say some racist remark about him and his mother, is totally fair. Duke would just punch them, but sometimes a little drama helped get the message across. 

“At least two more hours,” Tim says, not bothering to look up from his phone. From what few glimpses of the screen Duke caught, he’s leading a Titans missions through text and clever hacking. Though it may be more accurate to call is a Young Justice mission since there’s no way any of this was authorized by a Justice League member. 

Also Anita, suited up as Empress, is there. If they aren’t on the news for property destruction and absolutely batshit wild shenanigans, Duke will have to check on Tim to make sure he’s not a pod person sent to infiltrate the family. 

“Think we can sneak out without anyone noticing?” Steph asks, looking at the emergency exit longingly.

Cass shakes her head and points to the door leading to the ballroom. When they look over, Dick makes very deliberate eye contact with them and give them a smile that looks stretched across his face.

Tim winces and pushes Duke. “Oh, something went down. Go take over for him and let Dick rest in here for a bit.”

“Man, why does it have to be me?” he grumbles even as he stands. Dick lets out a heavy breath and gives Duke a grateful smile, patting on the shoulder before shoving him out the door. 

As soon as he’s back into the main hallway, the music and chatter swell, no longer muffled by the thick walls of the photography wing. A few people come and go from the ballroom, no doubt looking for the restroom. 

Or more private places for… other things. Things they definitely shouldn’t be doing in an art museum.

He really can’t wait for this night to be over.

Duke joins the rest of the guests, fake smile on his face, and quickly makes his way to the snack table. He might as well make the most of his time stuck out here. Maybe he could even cause another relationship scandal by implying that Bruce is sleeping with one of partners when in hearing distance of a couple. Maybe even both of them. 

Bruce would go with it. It’s hilarious and he also needs something to make these events bearable.

Sadly, he doesn’t see any good targets as he scans the ballroom. A few people are dancing, while others are talking in small circles, closed off from outsiders. There’s an entire table of old ladies with glasses of wine in front of them; Duke considers hanging around them, since they confess to a lot of crimes after a few glasses. It’s fascinating. 

Also, he does kind of miss hanging out with the one old lady who’s declared herself his high society grandmother and told him stories of how she used to go to bars to find racist people or Klan members during the Jim Crow era, seduce them, then poison them and get their addresses so a few gangs she was friends with would fuck them up.

Granny Kaliasto is the coolest person ever. 

Just as he’s about to finish his last mini rolled crepe, Duke catches sight of one of the few teenagers still in the ballroom. The others, mostly stuck up rich kids no one actually likes, have already left to take over some other part of the museum to gossip until their parents decide it’s time to go home. These two are clearly not part of that crew, what with the girl being very goth and in a poofy, ripped dress, and the boy having already taken his jacket off to keep over his forearm, the top button of his shirt popped open.

They might be cool. He’s hoping they’re cool because he desperately needs some company to keep from dying of boredom while the gala continues on.

Duke walks over to them, going around the side of the ballroom, until he’s close enough to hear them talking.

The boy has his back to Duke, but the girl sees him. She immediately scowls and slaps the boys shoulder, eyes locked on Duke.

“Got another comment about my dress?” she says, voice sharp and acidic.

“Another?” Duke repeats. “I was just bored and wanted to talk to people who were my age. Sorry?”

The boy smacks the girl’s arm, then turns to face Duke. “Sorry about her! Sam is just naturally rude and aggressive. Tonight’s been a bit rough, with this crowd.”

Duke goes to say something, but the words stick in his throat when he sees the boy’s eyes shift from deep blue to an electric green. When he focuses, he can see a faint glow in his chest, the same glow he saw in Phantom.

“Dude? You alright?”

Sam looks him over judgmentally. “I guess it’s nice that I’m not being ogled for once, but don’t do that shit to Danny either.”

“Wait, that’s not what I was doing!” Duke hurries to say, snapped out of his shock. “I just… you look a lot like someone I met recently.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. What was your name? I’m Duke, by the way.”

He holds out a hand, and the boy shakes it with a small smile. “Danny. I don’t think we’ve met. I mean, I’m only here because Sam wouldn’t come to this gala without me, so her parents flew me in.”

“You from out of town?”

“Sam and I are from Illinois. Her parents are traveling around the east coast right now, and they decided to spend a week in Gotham to talk business.”

“I’d ask how it is, but outsiders tend to really hate Gotham, so…”

Sam barks out a sharp laugh. “Oh please, we can handle Gotham. Our town might not be as big and well known as Gotham, but we got our own shit to deal with there.”

“I do get shot at a lot back home,” Danny adds thoughtfully. “And that’s without the ghosts.”

“Woah, what?”

“Up for a bit of a story?” Danny asks, impish grin on his face. By his side, Sam brings a hand up to cover a manic smile, shoulders already shaking with laughter. 

This is already better than the grandma gang. Duke leans against the wall, getting settled in, and says, “Always, man. Hit me with it.”

The next hour an a half passes quickly with Sam and Danny dramatically narrating some of the things that have happened in their town. Duke listens, absolutely enraptured, and doesn’t even notice the Waynes file into the ballroom again. 

Unfortunately, they bring with them the attention of most of the ballroom, including Bruce and Sam’s parents. 

She cuts the current story about Box Ghost short with a heavy sigh. “Hold up, I need to greet the Waynes properly while my parents are watching.” She steps in front of Duke and Danny, holding out a hand with a pained smile.

Tim takes it first, giving a solid shake, and introductions start. 

Free from the rules of high society, if only for the moment, Duke leans closer to Danny and whispers to him, “Phantom. Wanna get out of here?”

Danny flinches and turns to him looking panicked. “How did you know?”

“I kinda got magic eyes. I see a lot of things normal humans can’t. Don’t worry about it. I still owe you, so you wanna get out of here?”

He watches as Danny glances around the ballroom, then back to him, clearly weighing out his options. Then he nods and says, “Know where to get a good milkshake around here?”

“Sure do.”

“I guess you’re the one rescuing me this time.”

“Not a rescue,” Duke corrects, and casually picks Danny up over his shoulder into a fireman’s carry, “A kidnapping.”

Danny laughs and waves Sam and all the others goodbye as Duke marches out of the ballroom.

“Don’t bother me for the next two hours!” he calls to the Waynes, “I’m going on a date!”

There are shocked gasps and murmurs all through the crowd. But as he spins around to wave at his shocked and easily amused family, he also catches sight of Granny Kaliasto raising her half full wine glass towards him.

She really is the coolest.

He’s definitely telling her all about this at the next event they attend together. It’ll be nice to have a few stories of his own to share.