#I CANT i dont. i just. i get it. i understand why my parents moved here when they did and if they didnt meet here i wouldnt exist

[not-actually-human]

a year and a half and i can leave. thats all i gotta make it through. thats it

[sad--tree]

keep saying i don't want 2 work another retail xmas but canNOT 4 the life of me make myself finish my goddamn fucking job applications !!!!!! death & dying & despair etc. etc.

[rainboww0lfie]

a ghosts graves

In the aftermath of a battle, Phantom, Batman, and Superman could be see talking between each other. 

During a lull in the conversation a tiny girl comes running from underneath caution tape taped around the vicinity, holding a bouquet of marigolds between her small hands. She’s out of breath and seems to be embarrassed when she stands before the heroes, Batman reacts the quickest to the sudden encounter. Asking her about why shes here and what the problem is, he’s about to ask about her parents when she interrupts with “i have something for mister Phantom”. 

Danny who had been only half listening was caught off guard, he looks at her and tries for a reassuring smile but his confusion must show through because she suddenly looks down shyly at her flowers. 

“I heard from mommy that you put flowers on graves for people you like, ” she starts, “i don't know where yours is though, so i got you flowers to put it wherever it is”. She’s obviously embarrassed about interrupting, but she says the words with a form of determination. Suddenly what seems to be her mother comes running from out of the crowd. 

“I am so, so, sorry for Miya, i didn't mean to loose sight of her, she slipped away, we’ll get out of your hair now. ” the woman says in a rush, gently tugging the child back from the slack jawed heroes. Danny can just make out her gently reprimanding the child for her behaviour when he suddenly steps forward. “Wait, wait, wait” he says quickly, crouching down to the child now hiding a bit behind the mother, “you got me flowers. . . so i can put them on my grave?” the tiny nod he gets from that has him smiling, “you wanted to put flowers on my grave?” is asked with excitement, gaining n even bigger nod in return. 

He takes a small step forward, still crouched, and asks “are you alright with me hugging you?”, the nod lets him quickly move forward a spin the child around in a tight hug, laughing. He smiles brightly at the girl, holding her in his arms with enough space to make sure the flowers were safe, who is smiling back just as brightly. Danny laughs, “no ones ever given me flowers before! And you want them on my grave!” the actions have gained the attention of both civilians and other heroes, Danny could honestly care less though, someone wants to put flowers on his grave! Someone went through the effort of giving him flowers! He is so excited!

Both the mother, Superman, and Batman all look uncomfortable, “have you. . . never gotten. . ahem. . Flowers before?” Superman asks, “i mean, you look young so. . . have your parents never. . . ?”, the ending never gets finished but its definitely implied what he wants to really ask. Danny doesn't care, its not exactly important, right?

He looks at the heroes and says cheerily “i don't think my parents even know im dead!” before looking back at the child in his arms, not seeing all the shocked, pale faced staring( minus Batman, he never emotes, like, at all). 

Eventually the kid has to leave due to dangerousness of the area, but not before a final hug and happy goodbye from Phantom after she hands the flowers to the undead hero. Danny says his goodbyes to the surrounding heroes, not understanding why they all look at him funny as he carries around the marigold bouquet before he flies off. He holds the flowers close to makes sure they dont get destroyed by the wind, but he cant help a few happy loops and twirls in his flight home. 

The first ever flowers for his grave, how exciting!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ever since then the heroes and a few civilians make sure to give Phantom flowers each time they see him for his grave. Phantom is so excited people want to give him flowers each time a new set is given to him. 

________________________________________________________________

wooooooo ok

i finally actually wrote something after so long, sorry for the long break between shit, stuff happened :/

sorry if there's any big misspellings or anything like that in here, i had an idea and wanted it down as fast as possible and i fucking ran with it as far as i could lol

y’all can continue this if you want, i just thought this idea was so cute

have a good night/day/afternoon/life

[mangosrar]

call it what you want.

matt sturniolo x fem reader. enemies to lovers!!

WHEW YALL HEY. it’s been a while but i’m super excited to be back. love u ❤️‍🩹

warnings: suggestive. arguing

this will be multiple parts!!!!

pt2

"im not a child anymore! i cant move 2 inches without them being on my ass about something" you exclaimed as you paced up and down the living room.

nick sat on the couch, gawking at you as you ranted. you sighed before stopping and pointing a finger at nick.

"and you know what, they dont do this to my brother, nooo he can fuck all the girls he wants but i mention one guy im not even dating and suddenly im going off the rails" nick just stared at you with a questionable expression on his face.

you knew he wouldnt understand, his parents were so lenient, so the fact you were going on a 20 minute tangent about how strict yours were was completely futile and you may as well be speaking in a different language.

you dropped your hands and whined before stomping over to the couch and plopping down next to nick.

"i mean, how could i win nick? they want me to be happy but i wanna be happy with a hot boyfriend" you said as you turned your head to look at him, he just looked down at you with a sympathetic but mischievous look.

"im worried my advice is going to get you in trouble" he cringed. you pulled your head back and furrowed your eyebrows, encouraging him to continue.

"i mean... you need to rebel y/n, find someone whos completely foreign to them" you stared at him, thinking for a second.

it wasnt like you wanted to, but the fact that their heads would fall off if you found someone who was the complete opposite of your parents and their expectations, brought you a little bit of complete fucking joy.

it was like a lightbulb moment, your eyes widened, and a cheesy grin pulled at your lips as you practically leaped off of the couch and continued your pacing.

"i need someone who is all mean and mysterious, or maybe a guy who drives a motorbike or plays the drums" you rambled looking at nick for approval but being met with a flat expression on his face.

"seriously y/n?" he questioned.

"whatever im just brainstorming" you waved him off.

"whoever he is needs to be nonchalant, he needs to smoke and drink, maybe dabble in partying every now and again, he needs to have tattoos and long hair. i mean be honest, if you came home with a guy like that, i think your mom would drop dead" he explained, letting out a small laugh before leaning forward slightly.

and as if god himself was listening, matthew sturniolo appeared in the doorway, in all of his long haired and tattood glory, sipping on a can of root beer, watching you intently.

both you and nick snapped your head towards him as he stood there with a stoic expression.

"what do you want weirdo?" you asked, raising your eyebrows.

he squinted at you before sticking his hand out besides him in question.

"your in my house y/n. the real question is what do you want" he spat.

truth was you and matt had never gotten along. despite your decade long friendship with his brothers, there was always something about him that you couldnt stand and apparently matt felt the same way towards you, so the two of you started an unspoken hatred for each other one day and it has stood strong ever since.

neither of you were sure why it started, but matt always hated the way you thought you were better than everyone else, how you could never admit when you were in the wrong, or the way your scent stuck to everything so he could always smell you around the house, but mostly he hated the way his cock would jump when you looked up at him with those big doe eyes, even when you were spitting insults at him.

"i want you to stop listening to our conversation and get the fuck out of my face" you bit back, turning to face him and crossing your arms, keeping your hard stare fixed on him.

"please, you love it when i get in your face y/n. and you know what, have a little more compassion, your parents are wonderful people." he scoffed as he took a step towards you, keeping his eyes trained on yours. he was clearly trying to get under your skin, and it was working.

"they dont even like you matt, i wouldnt be so up their ass" you smiled sarcastically. he just laughed before taking another step towards you.

"and i cant stand their bitch of a daughter so were even" he spoke lowly, shooting daggers at you. there was a few seconds of silence where you and matt were just glaring at each other. wordlessly throwing insults and screaming at one another, before nick cleared his throat, causing the bubble around you both to pop.

you and matt turned to look at nick who was standing up from his seat on the couch, with an expression that you couldnt place. you could feel the heat radiating off of matt, in the midst of the bickering you hadnt realized how close he had gotten, you hadnt realized how good he smelt, or how him looking down at you like a disobedient child made you want to drop to your knees there and then.

nick opened his mouth to speak, his eyes jumping from you to his brother, who was stood not even a foot away.

"back to the topic at hand...why dont you date chris?" nick said like it was the most obvious option.

"you cant be serious..." matt trailed off, looking at his brother.

"no way nick, hes like my brother, plus my parents like him" you explained, ignoring matts comment, moving away from him and taking a seat back on the couch, folding your legs up underneath you.

"fake it, be in a fake relationship with him" you werent sure what planet nick was living on, but he was not helping in any way shape or form.

you just rubbed your hands over your face, groaning at the realization this was never going to work. there was a pregnant pause, all 3 of you, thinking completely different things, before matt broke the silence.

"ok so let me get this straight, you wanna piss off your parents, and show them your all grown up, by finding a guy in a biker gang..... as a scare tactic?" he asked, sending questioning looks between you and nick.

"not a biker gang matt" nick replied flatly, shaking his head at him.

"so just someone with tattoos, and long hair?" he spoke, placing his drink down on the coffee table and crossing his arms over his chest.

you shrugged and nodded your head at him. why was he so interested.

"so you just wanna use someone, to make your parents mad?" he furrowed his brows, desperately trying to get this right, but you were sure he was trying to make you feel bad so you didnt go through with it, just so you would stay miserable. or so you thought.

"call it what you want matt, i dont care what you think, this is none of your business" you spat.

you watched matts eyes wander from yours to his brothers who had been suspiciously silent. they were exchanging glances, like they were speaking some sort of wordless language, and it was concerning. usually, matt wouldve threw an insult back at you, but his expression didnt even waiver.

pulling your eyes away from matt, you turned to nick with a confused expression, and studdied his face, watching as his eyes lit up and he grinned, before turning to face you with a look in his eye that you couldnt decipher.

"before you say anything, just hear me out"

_______________________________________________

taglist: @christinarowie332 @biimpanicking @chrisenthusiast @st4rswrld @soursturniolo @kvtie444 @mattslolita @flowerxbunnie @lovingsturniolo @its-jennarose @ermdontmindthisaccount @secret-sturniolo @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @justaslvttygirl @urfavstromboli @recklesssturniolo @delimeats-000 @gloomymatt @gwenlore @nickdevora @sturnioloenthusiast

[800-dick-pics]

Yeah....so we have to move again.

My partner and I are both in a physically unsafe situation but before i even get into the very long why my partner and I have to move again, and the violence we have endured in this place, imma just put our pay links bc this is actually very urgent.

Cashapp: $sleepyhen or $grumblybear

Venmo: wildwotko or XochiRose

TW: Anti Black Violence/Misogynoir, Sexual Harassment, Ableism, Threats of Violence, C@rt*l Violence.

(I ask you to please not trigger tag this so our post doesnt get hidden by an algorythm)

If you follow me and even if you dont you may have seen my donation posts about leaving my abusers house, and I am very greatful for that help but it seems that we have gone from one bad situation to a worse one.

Due to our housing situation with my toxic parent, my partners parents offered up their village home for us to live in, them acting as landlords.

In late Jan we moved to my partners home village, My partners family is all from here and the house we are currently leaving is under construction. We initially stayed at a different family members home, due to the unfinished remodeling. My partner and I were staying with a family member who is affiliated with the c@rt*l and we had no choice about this. Durring the 5 days out of the 3 weeks we were susposed to stay, I was sexually harassed, objectified and called anti black slurs, both of us were screamed and belittle for being disabled, we were threatened with physical violence from basically c@rt*l paid off police, among many other things that ended up having us having to barricade ourselves inside the room we were staying in. That night that happened we basically had to take all of our bags and go to the house under construction because we felt so unsafe.

Once we were here in the house we are currently planned to leave from, We tried to settle in for the night but still feared for the violence their family member threatened. The next morning we has realized that this house was WAYYY more under construction than our landlords (my partners parents) had made it out to seem. We were very uncomfortable and exposed with no windows, doors, limited power and no gas for cooking. My partner explained these problems to their family and they werent taken seriously because "atleast we werent on the street or dead". As dismissive as they were we tried to make lemonade out of lemons and have this house become our home.

Things were fine for a few weeks, but the house was still barely liveable, and we had expressed frustration by this but were understanding. My partners parents made it seem like they didnt have enough funds to finish some aspects of the house so I stupidly gave them $$$ from our own food/bill money to help install windows. It took another month for that to happen, and after the window bases without glass were installed we were told by my partners father that he was coming in a week to this house.

We were confused and stressed because they made it sound like they dont have enough funds but book a same week ticket? We got the house clean and mostly void of construction materials, and the first thing out of my partners fathers mouth was straight up belittling my partners ability and arguing that we dont deserve a house we cant clean.

Over the course of the 10 days my partners father was here they were verbally and physically abused and had felt like they had to endure for the affordable housing. Their father was also being very anti black and abusive to me, expecting me to basically be a "woman in their place", which did not sit with me, and on one of the last days he was here my partner and him were arguing because he was trying to talk shit about me but in spanish to skirt around me from understanding.

But i understand more spanish than he knew and i confronted him and said "Sir if you have anything to say about or to me you can say it to my face, and you are not my father or my grandfather, you do not and cannot control me, I am not going to have a man tell me what i can and cannot do, what i can and cannot say and how i can and cannot act" And he was taken aback that a black "woman" put him in his place, so not only does he flip out he basically tells my partner that they need to control me better and left. The day before he leaves he makes an excuse to get something from our room and he decides to go through my purse and steal my copy of the house keys out of spite. There is quite a bunch more smaller things that I could talk about but what is most important is what has been happening this past two months In early July durring the height of the rainy season here, there were intense rain/thunder storms that exposed a leaking roof and structural issues to us. Our ceiling began to crack and leak, the stone base around the old windows were crumbling. My partner told their parents about this, and how the structural issues should be the newest focus for the construction, they were told "Not everthing can be done when you want it to" and they basically ignored the problem

In late July we were giving a very vauge "men are gonna come paint the house" with no more detail, and later were called to be told painters would be here on the last sunday of July, we waited and they never came.

Then Tuesday August 2nd my partners cousin (the contractor working on the house) showed up with their family cleaning lady, and It was odd for us but she cleaned the house and whilst leaving we were told "oh your (my partners) parents said that this house has to be perfectly clean and the painters could either come later today or tomorrow". After he left my partner called their parents asking not only why are they not telling us whats going on with the house but also why are they going to paint over structural damnage, they initially took it ok and agreed to halt the painting until the house was structurally sound.

The next day my partner had a telehealth therapy appt and I had a digital lecture for school, and before either of us were able to do those things my partners cousin and the same cleaning lady came back without warning. They basically tell us that theyre cleaning to paint the house, and contradicting what my partners parents agreed too the night before. On the phone with their parents my partner tried to get them to see how paint is unimportant to the house and for them to care about the structural issues but they didnt care and blamed both of us for "not wanting things to be done". Also that day the painters did not come, so at this point we are being given vauge times for these workers to come over and we ask to be kept in the loop, and given a proper date and time for these things so we can be out of the house. They also refused this request.

Thursday they come again in the morning to prep for these mystery painters, and when the contractor and cleaning lady leave we have only 3 hours of peace to ourselves when my partners cousin comes back with a strange dude. They tell us that they are here to rip up all the plants in the yard, and I explain that its fine to pull the plants around the house but not in the back which is my garden. When they were done pulling plants around the house they tried to "help" me by pulling up the plants in my garden. Both my partner and I explained that growing plants and tending to them is very important to me, and that im more than capable of doing the "weed pulling" by myself. My partners cousin agreed a then left, but later that night he called my partner telling a different story. A translated/shortened version of what was

said "Im not just mad im fucking pissed that a (black) woman told me what to do and how to do my job, Youre (my partner) the man of the house (theyre not a man) you need to do better at controlling them, because this isnt their place to be making choices about the house"

At this point we are both highly considering leaving because of the horrible treatment of me and my partner, We try to calm down and sit with our feelings to see if we can work things out here but we decide that If we cant get their parents/family to respect us and esp me then we cant stay. Friday the 5th is fine for the start of the day and we are left alone until late afternoon. We get a call from my partners cousin who tells u that at 5 the painters are going to be there. We move the couches and large home pieces and wait for them for over an hour, and when they come back over my partner sees that they did not come over with paint and the painting supplies but gardening tools to rip up my garden.

At this point i am LIVID because not only did he lie to us he did this all out of spite for me being an "out of control woman who needs to be put in their place". I start screaming and calling him a liar because he lied to us. When he is in the yard where we cant see he cuts HALF OF OUR HOMES POWER which powers the AC which i NEED to control my POTS in the subtropics. Again he did this to get back at me knowing i would suffer because of this. After he leaves we basically agree that we will not be staying here because of all the abuse and violence both of us have gone through. I personally feel safer with my black abusive parent than staying where we are now, I now had to reconnect back and talk to my family again and ask for a place to stay again. Thankfully we wont be on the street but we are going right back to my abusers home. I am still mentally numb from this but It quiet frankly physically safer than staying around my partners very violent anti black family.

Durring the time right after that series of events we start planning our leave, get some help from a close family member so we can fly back, and start re-packing basically everything we own. We disconnect the home phone, we dont open the door and we are very frim with everyone telling my partners various family members that until we are gone this house is not gonna be available to be worked on because we have to pack. They continually fight this almost everyday since we have told them. They keep telling us that we cant just not let the workers in, and we explained that we will be doing that so we have enough time and space to pack literally everything we own.

Yesterday our landlords, my partners abusive parents sent their cousin to BREAK IN to our house and threaten us, because we werent letting workers in. Again they sent someone to break in our house because we had boundaries and needed to pack. We were both hella shocked that they would go to such lengths to manipulate n scare us into doing what they want. After my partner confronted their cousin who literally just broke in, they argued and he eventually left, so after he left i had to barricade the door/gate and use 12 gauge wire to wrap around the locks so even if theyre broken open they cant be moved. Quite frankly im very triggered because this is not the 1st time ive experienced people breaking into my space to be violent and threaten me. My partner and I are/were still in shock and later that night, their mother gets my partners oldest very physically and verbally abusive brother to threaten them.

The blacked out name is their second oldest brother who is a cop, They are threatening to basically come to this house and beat my partner which they have a history of doing.

My partners family has been abusive, violent, anti black, and with the recent escalation we are pretty scared for our safety. We had to sleep in turns last night because the paranoia of them breaking back in to hurt us was so great. We are planned to leave late on the 25th which leaves us one more week to endure.

This is only the highlights of the horrible shit we had to endure here, because we know my partners family can and will do anything to hurt us, I will be sharing the legal names of the several different people who have threatened violence against me and my partner to close friends/family if we go "missing". I genuinely hope yall understand why we need to leave and get funds for re-re-starting our lives. I genuinely ask you not to dm me questions abt this because I am rather traumatized and paranoid at this time.

[weebastic]

Wind breaker Ep 1

Yeah so my reactions to the ep as it goes on as i write my physics notes, also how do you add emojis on here ?

this is a creeepy starting but whatever lessgoo

seems like our mc is the local loner but you shall see through this incredible journey we shall find out the power of friendship cue mlp soundtrack, look there can be a lot of movies and media about friendship but none of them can beat the og mlp. OK LETS SEE HIM FINDS FRIENDS BY FIGHTING.

my parents when i want to colour my hair

first opinion he should be in mashle

girls are so pretty just like look at them ugh

your mom bro

YOOO WOW MC REVEAL THE NEW TODOROKI SHOUTO but this guys obsessed with power

HELP WHY IS HER FACE LIKE THAT, its like god i jumped from one idiot to another alternately my friends when i do random shit

i love their dynamic already it would be better as a polycule with dumb and dumbest with a side note of done with this shit

I AM 5 MINS IN AND AM ALREADY RELATNG SO HARD TO HIM LIKE HES SO BABYGIRL I CANT I WANT HIM AND I WANT TO BE HIM GOD

THSI DYNAMIC MELTS ME GIVE ME FOOD AND ILL GIVE YOU THE WORLD

BABY HAD A GOOD INTERACTION WITH ANOTHER HUMAN im waiting for him to get sick like zuko when he got a fever from doing something good

THEYRE SO CUTE I FEEL LIKE SHE JUST ADOPTED HIM AS HER BROTHER OR SOMETHING. She just took one look at him and was like yeah hes about to starve or somethng bqwxguchg

SHES SO HOTTT LIKE OMG

GUYS CUE MLP BGM WERE GOUNG FREINDSHIP IS MAGIC but srs though shes right this is called gang wars wheres your gang buddy where your homies to back you up

GUYS FORGET EVERYTHING calling a short person a cat is the ultimate insult i have first hand experience

I really dont understand this like baby needs to get on tiktok or smth within an hour he'll be called the next big thing atleast 300 thirsty messages will be in the comments and dms like srs ???

Next is an awesome fight scene but whenever i paused it to get a screenshot it came so wierd

WHAT IS THIS SCENE LMAO IF IT WASNT SO STRESSFUL I WOULD BE WHEEZING ON THE FLOOR BUT YAY OUR OTHER CHARACTERS ARE GETTING INTRODUCED

OK all in all episode was so good and the animations too like which studio is this you guys are damn good,ill move on to the second ep

Sakura has entered the top 10 ranking of babygirls

[meowzilla93]

The people need little known facts about Baxter! Just like random headcannons, like what's his favorite holiday and why, etc. etc. Basically please just tell me more about this silly little man :)

*cracks knuckles*

me? talk about my favourite love interest in OL:BA?

Thought you'd never ask :P

favourite holiday? we already know his favourite season is fall cause nostalgia, and I almost wanna think that eventually Thanksgiving is his holiday

you absolutely know why but if i must elaborate

he is just so damn thankful for being able to reconnect with people he truly cared for, and that those people didnt give up on him; if MC romanced him, all the more thankful he has someone he can trust and rely on for the rest of his life, and that he can provide that back

but it wasnt always and only after Step 4; he needs to reconnect first for this to eventuate

and you just know that he will love hosting and cooking; any excuse to learn new recipes and show off his skills

before step 4 though? i dont think he had one, and thats his parents fault

any sort of events like these he had to attend with his family and be the 'expected perfect son' which he loathed

i do believe this is canon (pls correct if wrong) but i truly do believe he did not have any friends at his private school, and actively hated going

rebel Baxter? he sure was in his own way

spare periods between classes; he wandered off grounds to a spot where he could avoid the pompous populace

talk back to teachers? you can guarantee that; just more in that incheek way where they couldnt really punish him for what he said

can see him being the type to screw around in class and just be a bit of a bother to the teachers and students, but he was an A+ student all the way

guarantee that when asked to answer questions in class, if he was in the right sort of mood, straight up makeup facts just for the lols

(his parents might have put a stop to that real quick though)

mans was a brat we know this, and it was making the OLNF friends that made him question his life and his upbringing more

this is a touch more sad, but i think early on, he didnt really understand his parents position on things like the LBGTQIA+ community and such until he saw people he cared about be treated poorly by them, or heard what they had to say behind closed doors

i think this truly broke him and is what started the rifts in his friendships as he didnt know how to approach this (he is a kid, we cant expect him to know)

but what he did know, he NEVER wanted to be like his parents, and this is when he started his plan on moving to Virginia for uni

ahem, lets get back to some light hearted sweet stuff

i recon he went full platinum white once - pure white hair (you cannot take this away from me) but the upkeep of that was more insane than just handling black

favourite flower! rose. come on. even Cove said it in Step 1: Fancy!

though if we must choose a second option, Lupine

it has that really pretty purple colour (his second favourite colour after black and white) and its symbolism is very much on par with what he truly wants from life

google that shit, and tell me im wrong

100% reads smut; Im talking like Victorian era smut (Johanna Linsday, Amanda Quick type stuff)

October is his favourite month - the world around him was covered in that beautiful auburn colour

He loves pumpkin spiced lattes (with oat milk of course)

PRESENTS! oh oh when its Christmas time, this is the hardest thing for him because he doesnt just wanna buy something random, it needs to have meaning

You wanted to go see a museum? here are some tickets

Missed this movie when it was screening? Here is the Extended Release with all the additions DVD

You have a favourite flower or plant that you can never really have cause it doesnt grow in the climate you live in? In a frame you received a pressed and dried version of it, so you can always have it with you

.....i need to stop otherwise ill just keep going

(pls dont stop asking me though, ill talk about Baxter till death and will make a million more posts)

[etherealspacejelly]

my parents dont get my autism or my transness or my aroaceness

they dont get that im not trying to be rude or selfish or whatever but they think i am

they dont get dysphoria

they keep asking me if i have crushes or a boyfreind

they dont get that if the foods bad ill refuse to eat it

they dont get sensory issues or food issues

they dont get that the internet is a safer place to talk about my emotions than they ever will be

they dont get how much effort i put into trying to be normal for them

they dont get anthing

they keep trying to force me to spend time with them playing board/card games which i hate and they know i hate

they keep messing up my pronouns

one of my dads "insprational" speeches was your not flat, you'll never be flat so give up.

when i first came out my mum said "why cant you just be a lesbian instead of nonbinary or whatever?"

they say i cant call myself trans bc i don't want to be a boy

they dont get how much periods suck even tho they dont hurt

theres probably more but i cant remember it rn

any advice would be helpful

maybe ill run away and live somewhere better for me but i can think of a place

hey anon. unfortunately im not sure how to help you with the autism or aroace stuff myself, even though i am aroace and autistic my mum doesnt really understand either of those and i havent been able to reach that point yet. we have just taken to not talking about it, which is much easier now that i have moved out.

however! i do have something for you that might help! i made a powerpoint about transness for my mum that did help to convince her that being trans is a real and valid thing to be.

i cant link to it on here because it would reveal my full name publicly but you can just make your own! i included facts about the percentage of trans kids that experience anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, and how gender affirming care significantly lowers those numbers. all of this was taken from the trevor project website!

i also included some stuff about transgender people across history and in different cultures.

i finished it off with a slide about the transgender genocide currently taking place in america and spreading to the UK.

you could make versions of these for autism and aspec people too!

im very sorry that you are experiencing so much invalidation and misunderstanding from your family, i understand how that feels. i hope this technique can help you to teach them a bit about your identities. most of the time when people say mean things about an identity, it is simply because they are misinformed. getting angry and upset is perfectly understandable, but it may make them feel even more antagonised and justified in their bigotry. explaining things to them calmly and simply, with graphs, diagrams, and real data can work wonders.

good luck!

[glowstick-chomper]

okokok so im getting a little bit more back into hxh as my hyperfixation and i cant stop thinking about how beautiful the relationships between the zoldyck siblings are in its own fucked up way

(please correct me if im wrong its been like a year since ive watched hxh)

like first off obviously killua fucking hates illumi and milluki for all the abuse and torture and shit

but he hates illumi more bc he actually reached out to him for greed island from what i remember but he refuses to get involved with illumi

what drives his hate moreso i think is the fact that illumi (in his own fucked way) still loves him but in ILLUMIS eyes its the purest form of love because

ILLUMI HAS NEVER EXPERIENCED REAL LOVE

so illumi is trying his best (not really because he abused kil)

but i think that this is why he find hisoka so peculiar because in my humble little opinion hisoka definitely loves illumi (even though theyre only married for money)

anyways enough about illumi for now

its so secret that the zoldycks are infamous for generational trauma

but it's a different flavor??

like even though killua didnt abuse alluka or kalluto theyre still abused kids because of their parents, illumi, and milluki

but killua obviously favors alluka because he left kalluto in isolation??

L move bro

so this is my personal favorite part

illumi favors kalluto because they both have a mutual understanding of what its like to be neglected by killua because milluki was chosen over illumi and alluka was chosen over kalluto

but they still really really want killuas attention

but the difference between those two is this

ILLUMI HAS HISOKA AND KALLUTO IS IN ISOLATION

kalluto doesnt have an outlet or anyone that gives them positive attention

illumi gets plenty of attention from hisoka

so therefore kalluto is more desperate

and dont get me wrong i dont think killua hates kalluto by any means

he just favors alluka

conclusion: milluki is the fucking worst and should go die and kalluto needs more love thank you for listening to my ted talk

[breakfastassociation]

Scooby Doo Mystery Inc, an Introspective.

Daphne - The Spy

She's already been established as being the most physically inclined, a great beauty, and handilly going behind enemy lines (ie getting kidnapped); all traits of a femme fatale. in my canon, daphne really operates as the gang's Body (Wo)Man. In a crime ring she would be The Muscle. I really like the idea that Daphne is classically trained at a young age in all sports; her family may not have be as weslthy as Shaggys but theyve def made some money being world class athletes. This idea also lends itself to the idea that daph was the most well travelled before meeting Mystery Inc, her family always loved to bring her to their competitions, shes been to every Wimbledon cup, etc. While daph is well cultured and great at meeting new people, i do not think she would describe herself as an extrovert altho u cant deny shes warm and welcoming (as much as anyone in the gang is! theyre really a great group of kids). Growing up with a lot of sisters, Daphne is the one most acclimated to team work (maybe they did a lot of team sports growing up?). The reason this doesnt automatically translate to out of this world people skills is because her ability to work with others is strongly rooted in being familiar with her team. She grew up with her sisters and has been friends with Mystery Inc for a long time too; shes built up a repartee with her group and really relies on her understanding of them and their understanding of her to be as efficient as she is. In this way, she and Scooby really hold the group together. Definitely a Actions Speak Louder Than Words type which is why people who dont know her well are so willing to overlook her as a vapid prettygirl; ie when daph spots a clue shes more likely to "wow look at that!" and point rather than "hey velma that glowing orb looks really similar to the one the ghost is always haulin around" Daph and Kim Possible would be truly the unstoppable duo.

disguises, stealth, and sleight of hand ??

polyglot, also designated translator

well connected (but cant network). her sisters got their fingers in all the pies and the Blake Sisters were Daphne's first Mystery Inc :) i do not buy into Daphne having a sister complex #speakingmytruth

very well travelled, met fred on a layover?

literally james bond, ya feel?

tldr; woman of the world, woman of the world, teamplayer

Fred - The Mechanic

Breaking off of the 'Traps Guy' prototype that Mystery Incorporated set up for us; Fred has always been the one at the steering wheel. Everyone loves a Himbo Fred moment but i know hes capable of great specialization just like velma daph shaggy and scoob are. Hes not an air head hes just thinking about a V8 engine vs a Turbo ykno? I do want to lean into the idea that Fred works with his hands and works with contraptions (velma is the gizmo girl tho) and works with CARS and is knowledgeable about them! very, Mona Lisa from My Cousin Vinny/Rosalie from Twilight (ie gets under their car + is hot) but because i want all these kids to be multi faceted, id like to explore the other half of cars which is Travelling. in this day in age, seeing the world is so marketable which is why i can see fred being the one with biggest internet influence. More so than that, fred keeps the team on the move, books accomodations, plans the roadtrips, has the biggest thirst to see the world (maybe thats one of the things that first pulls him and daph together, shes already seen so much of it before they met) Out of the group, i think Fred has the closest relationship with his parents (i think this was shown in some of the tv shows? If not, this is my canon) Fred, despite loving to work with cold hard metal, is maybe the most deeply feeling of Mystery Inc. he really jumps on cases after meeting the people who are most severely impacted by them. This would also explain why hes so inclined to 'himbo moments', he doesnt mind making the less rational choice if it means he can help his fellow man. He and scooby are def the most socially inclined; fred bc he really cares about People (thats why hes a traveller, meeting new people is one of the fun parts!)

automotives, maintains the car (velma helped him set up his sound system) and loves a good car chase

also into planes, trains, and ships but cars are his first love

inventions

explosives

physics, hes a car guy but bikes are fascinating

social media savvy (hes so chipper and always dressed to the 9s courtesy of daph, IG eats him up). Maybe he started the Mystery Inc blog as a way to keep his family updated about what hes doing (the first People he loved was def his family) he gossips about celebrities with velma and daph

loves travelling (in his car) and posts to his gram (see above), his experience with hotels/motels/hostels/etc lets him talk extensively about hospitality with shaggy + scooby

tldr; auto shops, social butterfly, humanitarian

Shaggy - The Doctor

Hear me out!!!! Norville Rogers is known to be: Concerned about his bodily safety and RICH! Tell me which profession that is besides Doctor and ill rework this whole thing. i think this really works for shaggy, hes by no means materialistic but mans has grown up with the silver spoon and can really appreciate luxurious creature comforts like quality bed linens. Like. that plain green t shirt is Hermés dont get it twisted. this also works bc as the groups highroller, we now know how this op is funded (aside from being paid for their detective work:freds blog but like..we really didnt see that often. id like them to be able to do this as a fulltime hobby if they so choose) Aside from this, we know some of Shaggys other great loves are Food and Not Being Physically in Danger. I wouldnt be surprised if one of his parents or older relatives made their money in medicine, allowing shaggy to grow up in that scape. omg id love if this doctor relative was a mentor to shaggy but also a bit of a hypochondriac; maybe shaggys scaredy cat tendencies have roots in his relative's anxieties. I think Shaggys fear comes from a good place, he just wants him and his friends to be healthy happy and whole. In line with medicine, Shaggy is the one who pushes the team to take care of themselves and take much needed time to recuperate from the stress of solving mysteries. As an only child, he can be seen as a foil to Daphne. She has a lot of sisters and did a lot of team sports and became very comfortable working with others. Shaggy was an only child whos only friend was his dog and they prefer to stay in their circles of safety. But both shaggy and daphne have about the same level of social skills lol i think also, bc shaggy grew up without a lot of friends, he is the most conscious of his friendships with the gang. like, he really doesnt take them for granted bc for a long time he did not have any friends at all

selfcare

Mystery Inc's checkbook (when appropriate)

appreciation for the finer things

healthcare

medicine, biology. daphne's go to gym buddy (shaggy really knows kinesiology)

chemistry aka alchemy, imagine the happy medium between Scoobie's love of cuisine and fred's love of ..bombs

tldr; self care KING, truly looks out for *his* people. medic

Velma - The Professor

Velma velma velma. im kind of dropping the ball with her. i want to develop this a lil further bc i think im leaning too hard on the crutch that is Velma Is The Bookworm. Altho i do think Velma is more interested in the Humanities Vs STEM fields, id say her genius reputation is cultivated from how well rounded her knowledge base is. In terms of academics, Velma is the jack of all trades ( opposite to daphne who is JoaT for athletics). Because of this (and because shes great at all things she puts her mind to) shes is also left with the helm of 'resident hacker'. As im typing this, truly the girls of the gang have very broad interests while the boys are very specialized. Anyways, id say the key to Velma is that shes very good at making more from the sum of the parts. She does not shy away from the grunt work of academia, she knows some Important Things will not be intuitive to her but she will run flashcards on them until theyre reflexive bc she knows having that info on hand will be important at some point. Her ability to take the factoids of life and put them together also makes her the teams True detective, not fred. It just makes more sense imo that Velma is the one to push the team to find and close cases. Obviously everyone in Mystery Incorporated has strong convictions on Right and Wrong but i think Velma sees the beauty and satisfaction of solving puzzles.

Edit on 1 mar: may think of switching role of Gizmo from Velma to Daphne since canonically, Daph is always with her cellie. But instead of making her the vapid airhead glued to her phone shes j really into tech (think felicity from Arrow)

Loves trivia

history, talks a lot about international cuisine with daph + scoob

software > hardware, talks gadgets with daph + fred

She and fred share a thirst to see and explore new things

statistician and mathematics aficionado

forensic sciences

law

very up to date with popular culture, from the anthropologic perspective. watches the most reality tv, tv in general, and movies; its interesting, documentaries are informative, and she likes to keep it on as white noise while researching

business, finance, and economics. thats how she knows all the business bad guys on sight (during the reveal), she also handles the group finances with shaggy

tldr; lifelong academic, the most hardworking, curious

Scooby - The Chef

Scooby! The team mascot! Firstly, scoob is Shaggys *best* friend. It makes sense to me that their interests overlap so much. Scooby has always been known to be a big eater (he *is* a great dane...) but my mans is CULTURED. He eats a lot but its never slop. Given Shaggys keen awareness of health and wellness, im not surprised that scooby has combo-ed that influence with his own love of the culinary arts. Shaggy and scooby have definitely known each other the longest; so how ever old the gang were when they met, in my canon Shaggy and Scooby were the first to become friends and it shows. But obviously theyre all friends, and to the group id say scooby is the hearth (not heart) of the operation as any great relationship starts with a plate of good food. Quiet moments of deep inner contemplation will often happen at Scoobys side and scooby, consciously or not, really provides a place for everyone to be themselves in the same way having to dice 5 onions is meditative. We've seen that scooby is a golden hearted goof ball, i think this could be sourced from a highly admirable sense of humility (ironic since hes the only non human of the group?) Great danes are known to be fierce protectors, and even tho (like shaggy) scoob is a scaredy cat, when push comes to shove he is really protective. Thats why hes so cautious! He really doesnt like seeing his friends in risky situations! My hot take is that *Scooby* is the people person/social butterfly of the group! This whole cast is a band of mis fits, having a dog makes Mystery Inc much more approachable to outsiders. Scooby, being a dog, is great at warming hearts to him and loves to be at the center of attention. In regards to mystery solving, hes also invaluable as a clue finder since his senses are so highly developed.

super sniffer, works the most directly with velma on cases

cooking (bonds with shaggy + daphne over but for dif reasons)

people person, gets along real well with daphne's sisters (everyone loves dogs)

very much looks after the gang and motherhens them, hates seeing them walk into danger

zoology (obvious i know)

tldr; iron chef, spokesman of mystery inc

General Notes

Shaggy and Daphne are the two in the gang who are really Of The Body (shaggys understanding of its inner workings, Daphne being the peak form of a human specimen), while Fred and Velma are Of The Mind (Fred who works with calculations inventions etc and Velma who is a lifelong all rounder academic)

Another dichotomy is that Daphne and Fred are the pragmatic pair while Shaggy and Velma are the theoretic pair

But in general i think a lot of the team has a lot of interests that overlap which keeps them tightly bonded

[transhawks]

your last meta abt enji is very interesting and nuanced. i think its the closest one to what hori is trying to say that ive ever read. im one of those ppl that can relate to touya and dabis anger so i dont relate to whats going on with endeavor. like in the beginning his atonement felt to me like humiliating shoutos, reis and eventually dabis characters, and i still cant find myself caring for enji. but tbh so far theres no malice in the way hori writes it so lets see where it goes.

Thank you.

I just think there's a lot of resistance to the idea Touya might love/want his father. It's definitely not the... idea we had years back. The Dabi reveal(s) threw a lot of fanon out the window as to Touya's backstory and motivations and I think a lot of people have trouble moving past that too because it also means looking at Enji a little more.

But also, and I want to be clear - the vast majority of people opposed to Enjidemption and anything that goes with it are people who are abuse victims. That's why I respect that so many people are upset by this narrative. It upset me too. I have a very complex relationship with my own folks, and come from a culture with an enormous amount of mandated familial closeness (divine-ordered) and guilt/shame if you don't follow through on it, so I get the emphasis on ties with your parents being important no matter what that certain cultures like to impose. I understand wishing, wanting, some reassurance that our reactions to our abusers are fine - that we don't need to allow them back into our lives if we so choose.

But I also think it's important to note that the Todoroki family is complex! Not everyone has the same reaction to the abuse! I'm pretty sure if Natsuo hadn't been pressured by Fuyumi he might have cut off Enji completely!

Victims do not all think the same (which MHA does do well in showing), do not all want the same things, do not all have the same feelings in regards to their abusers. It kind of hurts when I see people take an extremely severe stance on this because as much as I can hate Endeavor-defending, a lot of time when it turns to criticizing Horikoshi's choices, it skews or nears hating on victims who choose to have contact with their abusers or complicated relationships with them despite admitting to the abuse. Or to those who, despite everything, still feel some love for their abusers (aware we are, that the love we get back is a conditional mimicry of the love we wanted). It goes into victim-blaming; "if you were strong and correct you'd cut contact and condemn them." or "if you really genuinely were abused you wouldn't still be there".

Again, I acknowledge that those of us who don't personally favor reconciling with abusive family have the short end of the stick when it comes to societal views. And there's nuance; some of us love our parents but cannot have them in our lives.

Abuse is complicated! Trauma makes for irrationality and inconsistency in thoughts and feelings, heck, just mere human existence does that too!

But yes, I don't think it's malicious on Horikoshi's part or him "misunderstanding" abuse as I've seen said for years on here. That charge never sat right with me given the consistent theme of child abuse, especially the focus on over-bearing patriarchal figures throughout this work and in Horikoshi's other works, I think we should also acknowledge all of that is coming not from Horikoshi misunderstanding abuse, but forming his own interpretation through likely his own experiences of it.

So, yeah. Shit's complicated and didn't go the way many of us hoped - but we can still sympathize with the anger at being rejected and discarded by a love one, even if we won't like the ending to this story.

Edit: I wrote this a few years back, but there's no shame in dropping BNHA if the Todoroki narrative and likely resolution are too triggering to you as a victim of child abuse or survivor of sexual assault. Take care of yourselves first.

[ellakomskaikru]

as a fan of katara im not big on both kataang and zutara. theyd both require sacrifices on kataras part than neither zuko nor aang would be able to reciprocate. katara is a southern woman at heart and if she didnt become a chief (which i personally think she would excel at) at least shed take an active role in the rebuilding of her tribe - and frankly i dont see her leaving the south pole after the war, except for diplomatic/personal trips. aang is the avatar and if he did ever decide to settle down (as far as im concerned tlok was a bad dream and the republic city doesnt exist) lets be honest, it woudnt be in the southern water tribe of all places. most likely itd be an air temple because he has responsibility towards his dying culture. zuko would be semi-permanently chained to the fire palace or the fire nation at the very least i mean... he is a monarch, not much left to say. again except for trips, but thats not permanent residence. why does katara have to end up where either zuko or aang reside? and another thing - heirs. aang needs future airbenders. zuko needs a fire prince/princess. why does katara need to be held responsible for repopulating air nomads? why do kataras children have to be the royal family of a foreign country? (and she would have to have children in both those relationships) that would inevitably come at an expense of her own heritage, because again zuko, aang, their potential children would have great responsibilities. this concerns all of zukos or aangs potential partners but kataras culture and home are especially important to her. in my dreams katara permanently resides in the swt, as a chief, with a water tribe hunk who loves her a lot or at the very least someone willing - and capable - to move for her from another country. i like both zuko and aang, a lot actually but unfortunately they cant just do whatever they want for love

i know youre not a kataanger, but how do you reconcile all that with zutara? how would they overcome those obstacles? because for me theres just no solution that would satisfy me as a fan of katara that isnt unrealistic. again thats just my personal opinion and im curious about yours :)) all good vibes

Hello anon!

I completely understand where you are coming from! I really love Katara as well, she’s my favorite character in the entire atla series. I agree that Katara’s culture is very important to her and that she’d absolutely want to rebuild her tribe. But I don’t think that being with Zuko will prevent her from doing that. Multicultural families exist, and I speak with personal experience in that regard, as I come from a multicultural family. The Fire Nation after the war would be entering a new era of peace and they’d be trying to get rid of their fire superiority beliefs. So with that in mind, I think that Zuko and Katara could have a multicultural family. Their children would be both Fire Nation and Water Tribe.

As Fire Lady Katara would have the power to help her tribe rebuild even more, and she’d also bring her culture with her, and visit the Southern Water Tribe a lot. I don’t agree with the idea that she has to stay in the South Pole forever to truly be able to participate in her own culture, people in the real world leave their own home countries all the time and settle somewhere else, that doesn’t mean that they’ve abandoned their culture or stopped being their nationality of birth. And I think it’d be much easier to Zuko and Katara to have a multicultural family, because their cultures share more similarities than the Water Tribe does with the Air Nomads.

Both the FN and SWT cultures have an omnivorous diet, both have family units, and both have more similar philosophies on life, like they are both not pacifists. Also, the SWT is very family oriented and the community is very close with one another, which is the complete opposite of the Air Nomads, who aren’t raised by their parents because they want to free themselves from earthly attachments in hopes of achieving spiritual enlightenment. So I don’t think that would resonate well with Katara, who has abandonment issues. The Fire Nation society definitely isn’t that close to one another, as it is very classist, but they still value their family members very much like the SWT does.

And with Zuko, Katara doesn’t have the pressure to adhere to his culture because his people are still very much existing and plentiful, unlike with Aang, where she’d probably feel the pressure to adhere to his culture because his people where entirely wiped out, and she’d probably feel bad asking him to convert to Southern Water Tribe customs or to even just participate a little when he’s trying to preserve the cultural legacy of his people.

I also believe that Zuko and Katara’s children can be part of both cultures perfectly fine. Zuko would not be xenophobic like his predecessors, and his children with Katara would help the Fire Nation stop being xenophobic because they’d see the beauty of other cultures, and it would put the rest of the world more at ease, especially the Southern Water Tribe, to know that there are heirs of their blood on the Fire Nation throne, which greatly lessens the chance of another war breaking out. So anon, you’re opinion is completely valid and totally get where you’re coming from, but overall, I just don’t agree with the idea that Katara has to stay in the Southern Water Tribe forever and marry someone of her own tribe in order to preserve her culture. I think she can still preserve her culture while living elsewhere.

Thanks for the ask!

[miyhhowrites]

Oblivious f reader x Rinku

꧁“𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐞!”꧂

Rinku aimoto x Female! Reader

A/N: hihi!! My first ever d4dj request🫶🏻🫶🏻 I apologize if it looks rushed or isnt to your liking, it was a bit rushed since i now finished exams😅, i actually like how this turned out and if its popular enough, i'll make a part 2!

Synopsis: you and Rinku got paired up to do a project and have a lil sleepover!

Contains: Rinku is awkward and blushy here, reader here is written as female but pronouns arent mentioned, they didnt get together but theres still romance

Both of you and Rinku were assigned to make a project, luckily bith of you were very close friends. The project was scrapbook making about memories, schools were almost coming to an end and the teachers paired you and Rinku for the project, little did you know Rinku was gleaming with excitement.

You both decided that it was best for Rinku to come at your place since your parents were busy and you had a printer there, once Rinku arrives, she hugged you excitedly and cheered "heyhey!! (Y/N) I wasnt late was i?!" She asks, a hint of worry in her voice, you shook your head and pat her on the head "nono.. in fact, you came here earlier than i expected.. come, i bought some snacks to keep us motivated" you added, Rinku nodded and puts her bag of materials on a nearby table.

You both did the project at your room since it have a/c. You were designing while Rinku was cutting and gluing. "Ow..!" Rinku hissed, you looked over and saw that she had cut herself "oh my! Here let me see" you gently hd her hand, looking at the small cut, you git up and grabbed some bandaids and an ointment, you dabbed some cotton onto the ointment and ever so lightly, dabbed it onto her fingertips, then you went ahead and put bandages on her cut. "There.. how about, you design the paper while i cut.. your still injured.." you say with concern, Rinku nodded, feeling warm because of your gesture.

"Ohhh.. I understand why they gave us three weeks to finish.." Rinku says, playfully and concernly.. time was going by fast and both of you still havent finished the scrapbook, "hehe, we shouldnt really take advantage of our time.. but thats okay, I know we can do it.. if we do end up staying up late.. are you alright with sleeping in? I have some spare clothes.." you added, Rinku was suprised, a sleepover!! She wanted to yell 'Happy Around!' but she couldnt.. afterall she had to maintain this... Proper attitude towards you!

While doing the project, the time was currently, 10, almost 11.. Rinku noticed how your eyes kept on dropping.. you were sleepy, with no second thoughts, she got up and walked towards you, "y/n..? You fell asleep.! You can go ahead and rest y/n, the projects almost finished.." you yawned and without a word, laid down on your bed. The clock moves and its now 11! "Rinku.. its a bit late to finish that.. we can wake up early to finish yknow..? Just sleep.." you say, soundung quite sluggish. "E-eh?! I sometimes wake up very very late.. its okay i can-" you cut her off by putting a finger on her lipsn "shush. Your going to sleep.. you might get eyebags and, i already set an alarm clock" you added. Rinku got up and grabbed some pillows and placed them onto the floor. "What're you doing..?" You ask, Rinku looks at you "oh! Just getting ready!" "Sorry Rinku.. i dont have a spare mattress.." you say, slightly guilty, "Haha! Its okay! The floor is much colder afterall.!" She giggles, you shook your haid and grabbed her arm, not so tight that it hurts, but tight enough that she cant let go.

"..no, we spilled some juice on the floor remember? Theres probably ants roming somewhere.. just.. sleep with me, my bed is big enough for 2 people" you suggest, Rinku blushes at that suggestion, she was going to sleep beside you?!?! She was very red when thinking about this.. "E-eh?! B-but... I uh..!" Despite what she was saying, you still shaked your head, "really its okay, my blankets is also big enough.. im fine with this Rinku.. i rather have you on bed here with me, than let you sleep on the floor, Rinku couldnt say no.. afterall you were so kind and it'd be rude to turn down an offer.. so she accepts.

While you both laid down, you were sleeping peacefully, even having your mouth slightly open, Rinku on the other hand though.. her heart was beating rapidly, was freaking out and was looking everywhere except at you, you turn over and your arm, rests over at Rinku, she blushed more because of this, as she was about to move your hand, you instead, moved closer, and was basically clinging onto her.. she was still red and couldnt control herself.. "..y-y/n.." she muttered, she took some deep breathes and took lots of time to calm herself before hugging you back and falling asleep as well

Rinku woke up, the suns out and she looks over and saw that she was still hugging you, this time she hugged you by the waist and you were sitting up, using your phone, "oh? Youre up early" you teased, Rinku giggled awkwardly and immediately pulled away, "Im so sorry!! I swear i didnt do-" you cut her off by chuckling. "Its okay Rin.. really, plus i slept better thanks to you" you smiled, Rinku smiled as well, she got up and stretched "Okay! Lets continue with the project!" She says with determination, "haha..! Its way too early.. i'll cook us breakfast, then we'll continue hm?" You suggest, Rinku nodded and helped you out of bed "okie!"

[mathlann]

Private bitchery

It is a special type of hell to be someone stuck with a tendency for endless over rumination to have a mom who just moves through life like shes the only one in it. Cuz like, my mom is trying to schedule the tri-monthly fight again because "I don't communicate with her" which like, true I don't. But that's because we've been having the same tri-monthly fight for over four years now and every time we have it I tell her the root of the problem is, she fundamentally sees her role as "the Parent" as a get-out-of-jail-free card overriding any and all consideration that she cant just do what she wants without me feeling some type of way about it? Like I say "i hate when you do this, stop. Heres all the reasons why with examples over the years on why the way you do this is upsetting" but because she is Mother and she knows Better and needs a way to relieve her anxiety that she won't treat the actual solution she's looking for is for me to stop hating that she does the thing, not to stop doing the thing you know? But if I say "i hate that you do this" and you keep going "well i have to do this, its my Duty as your Mother to only communicate in ways perfectly coordinated to piss you off and trigger the (actual) Brain Dysfunction (and don't even get me started about Schrodinger's Brain Dysfunction she thinks I have)" you cant be upset when the only solution becomes just not fucking talking to you about my problems???!!!??? And all the worse too because if i just shut down and refuse to engage she gets all smug about "oh well you're just mad because I'm right" not "maybe im bulldozing a boundary/dont actually understand the situation at hand and need to step the fuck back" so like....really what is the incentive to talk, ever???

Anyways to say I don't like my mom is an overstatement but I don't think she realizes how much better our relationship gets through the mediator of the Phone. Like, I am not meant to cohabitate with this woman. She is an Easter and Christmas mother only otherwise i start wanting to roll off a cliff.

[baby-yaga]

yesterday, post burial, on our way back to the church to grab a plant, my mom told me, "love him for who he was, dont hate him for who he wasnt. thats the best way to go through life without baggage." and i get where she was coming from, but i dont think thats right.

sometimes people say that the opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference. i did love my dad. i also hated him. they never cancelled each other out. i can love him for his warmth, his humor, his intelligence, his gregariousness, and still hate him for his absence, the abuse, the neglect, how he gave so much of himself to everyone else but his 3 children.

im haunted by my mom telling me that my dad once told her, "if i knew then what i know now, we never wouldve gotten divorced." i cant even picture what that wouldve been like. there was a brief period after my dad left his late wife, where he was living with us again. my parents werent together, it was basically a roommates situation, and in all honesty it was the best part of my teen years.

we had all been through a lot. his late wife was abusive to pretty much everyone in her life, except when she was passed out on oxy. i was deeply resentful of my dad remaining married to her despite how horribly she treated my brother and i, and also him. when she passed away, we were all having dinner with my sister, and when my dad told trey and i what happened, i think it was really shocking to him that we looked at each other, and replied, "good."

but when he lived with us again, it was weird, but it wasnt bad. i liked having him around all the time. i liked getting to spend time with him for real. he picked me up from school, we ate dinner together, watched movies, i started going to the gym with him. we were living together when i went on my first date ever. we were living together when i came out to him. we were living together when i tried to kill myself.

but it didnt last forever. he moved in with a new girlfriend eventually. he kept it a secret, so when he moved in without telling me before hand, i was so mad. i wouldnt go over to their place, a duplex that was less than 5 minutes from our house. i wouldnt meet his girlfriend. i think i was hurt beyond words that he was breaking up our family again, but i didnt realize that until just now.

he tried to force it one night, wanted to ground me if i didnt come. we got into a tug of war match over my laptop in the entry way. i was so frustrated, hurt, i felt so un-heard, i screamed, "i hate you! i never want to see you again!"

he looked surprised. then, he looked devastated. he put down my laptop gently on the entryway table, and left without a word.

he called that night, and explained himself. he said something like, "a friends son passed away recently. i just dont want to lose our relationship."

i said, "im sorry that happened, dad. but i wish you wouldnt try to make me feel bad just because you feel bad."

he replied, "so im just supposed to feel miserable by myself?"

i dont remember what i said exactly. it was something to the effect of, "fine! keep making everyone around you miserable, until you have no one around but yourself!" i slammed the phone down. this was in like, 2008 or so, so we still had a landline, lol.

we didnt speak for 2 weeks. he picked up my brother to come sleep at his place, didnt speak to me, and then would leave. i didnt know that what i wanted was for him to move back in for good. it wasnt reasonable, really. he wanted to date, i think he felt weird about it while living with my mother, and also he didnt have his own room, he was sleeping in a bunk bed with my brother. so i understand now why him moving out happened. but at the time i was so upset hed kept it a secret from me. i still think that was the wrong move. if hed been open about it, given me some time to adjust without springing it on me, it mightve gone a little smoother.

anyway, the night i spoke to him again. he was coming over to pick up trey again. i started crying and threw myself at him. i said i was sorry over and over. i missed him so much. i loved him so much. i just wanted him to be my dad again.

he just held me, and rocked me back and forth. he kissed the top of my head and said, "its ok, its ok." we stood like that for a long time, until i stopped crying. i met his new girlfriend that night. they showed me the room theyd prepared, a bed and everything, for my brother and i to share. it was the first time id ever had a place to stay at his house. before, i was sleeping on the couch, or, when my step-brother was in basic training, i got to sleep on his futon. it meant so much to me.

i miss him. ive missed him my whole life, it seems. missing him isnt new. but this is different. it feels like theres an empty pit inside of me that i was positive was bottomless, but its somehow gotten deeper.

[shadeslayer]

extreme vent

so fucking terrified of my mother and for no good reason. one firm word from her even over text makes me feel like a stupid child contemplating suicide all over again.

i wish i could dissociate on command. or at least, that when im able to wind myself up into dissociation it actually held when i needed it instead of wobbling and breaking when things get too intense.

i need to move out of this house. i need to not be here. but theres nowhere to go. i depend on my parents so completely for everything - my phone bill, my car bill, my insurance both car and health, wifi, food, heating, ac. if they got angry enough at me i would be well and truly fucked. they wont kick me out and they dont want me to suffer but truly i dont know if i could wake up the wifi password changed, to my phone unpaid, to my car repossessed.

just this is enough to make me want to cut myself hurt myself somehow anything that would make me feel something thats not the prickling dread that makes my skin itch and my stomach flip

i havent taken my meds in days bc my sleeps been so fucked, ive missed my t shot too. i barely eat as it is and ive been eating even less because ive been sleeping through most mealtimes. she said all this shit about wanting me to reach out because shed rather i talked to her than her find me dead in my room one day but when i ask for help she always, always, always carves something back out of me for it. she always insists i ask and once i ask the deal is set and i cant say no and then shell fucking hunt me down for her pound of flesh in return. if she doesnt want to find me dead why does she want to drive me to the fucking edge so badly!

and i cant even be rightfully angry or hurt about it because its simple requests, its understandable things, shes being so generous when she doesnt need to be, its just because my mind is so twisted and im so broken that these things make me want to kill myself rather than do