#I also don’t have my laptop with me for dnd on Thursday

[futureghost97]

happy holidays

[imonthinice]

The Criminal Psychology Majors, Jason Todd x Fem!Reader Part 12/?

Word Count: 4.4k

Author’s Note: Y/N - Your Name, A/N - Any Name (Your Best friend’s name)

God idk what i’m doing with this but i’m liking it lmao

next one might honestly be smut idk

Warnings: Violence, Swearing, Description of Blood, Gets heated, hints at trauma, no beta bitch we die like Jason Todd

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15) (Part 16) (Part 17) (Part 18) (Part 19) (Part 20)

Y/N walked through the streets of Gotham, which were once bustling with people, but now were quiet with the occasional hooker, she had caught the city as an unlively hour, where it seemed to sleep the night away while the vigilantes of the area watched it like their lives depended on it. In some ways it did, the stories they would tell when being interviewed were horrific sometimes, but Y/N figured a decent amount of it was for dramatization, to keep the people of Gotham off of the streets to protect them all from it.

The question was always protect them from what, and they never answered. So, it never kept the people of Gotham at bay from the streets at night, and had Y/N’s car not been towed, she would have been driving home in the safe, secluded area of her car, not the vast wilderness of the streets of Gotham.

She looked up at the sky to see one of the virgate boys using a grappling hook to fly to the other building, which was such a sight to behold for someone who never witnessed a superhero beyond Superman at home. She wished and longed to know more about the vigilante, but didn’t dwell or dote on that man, because she didn’t need to.

Something told her that he was watching though, tracing every step she made to make sure she got home in one piece. She thought she was crazy, her life didnt matter more than anyone else in Gotham. He’s not following me, why would he? she thought, Even though I’m dating Jason Todd, they probably don’t know Jason, so my life doesn’t mean much more to them than any one of the hookers along this street. I’m overthinking it.

The walk home took two hours, she left Jason’s at 4am just to find herself back home at 6am, bright and early as the sun rose, ready to greet the day and all it had in store for everyone. But the things it had in store for Y/N was a class and if she was lucky, cuddling with Jason. Nothing more, nothing less.

She would open her front door, unscathed from the journey home, except maybe for a few callouses on her feet, it was the last time she wouldn't pay for more than a day of parking, that’s for sure. Heels were not the shoes you wanted for a two-hour walk home in the Autumn cold, but they were what she had.

She thought about what she was going to do next, and the first thought she had was to shower. Not because she needed to, but because she wanted to nurse the terrible headache she had and to think some things through. What she normally did in the shower.

She wanted so much more from so much of her life. the main offender of seemingly not being enough for her was Jason. Not because she didn’t want more, but because she craved more from him. He was injured, so she wouldn’t get much more rom him for the time being, and it stung a little for her. She just wanted him, maybe sexually, maybe in a more romantic setting or maybe just on her couch on a Thursday afternoon. It was all three of those options and she knew it.

She pulled out of the shower and looked at the time, 6:50am. Okay, she thought, little more time than I wanted to spend in the shower, but I guess the universe had different plans for me today. What else do you have for me, universe? And how much of you plan involves Jason?

She would open her phone after quickly getting dressed. While she still cared for her appearance, she didn’t want to dress like she owned a law firm every day, so she didn’t. Just black jeans and a black top and she felt like a million bucks. 

Just some quick outfit inspo. I like doing these a lot. I think fashion is funky :))

Artemis had sent her a message asking where she was at around 4am, she wondered why the time, but she then remembered that Artemis’ boyfriend worked with Dick Grayson, who was Jason’s brother, who worked most nights until radical hours of the night. The chances that he saw her on her two-hour walk home was high, but the chances that that had also made it back to Jason was higher. She knew she was in for it.

Hey sorry, I was at Jason’s. Fell asleep in his arms the whole shebang. And yeah, that was me who screamed the yo momma joke at the press. It was super childish, I know, but I don’t care. Those fucks are sucking my life force out of me and harassing my boyfriend, even your boyfriend.

She would then look at the articles calling her a gold digger and worth-nothing childish insulter of the press. She laughed. If the press wanted a fight from her, she was more than willing to oblige and load the canons. 

She didn’t know how to fight back that well, since it was a mainly verbal fight, and she barely even knew how to  fight physically, hence all the running and non-confrontational arguments she had had to the press.

And like fucking clockwork, Jason texted her.

Did you walk home alone or are my brothers lying bastards?

I walked. I knew someone saw me, fuck.

Why did you walk home? I thought you drove here?

I did, but we spent more than 12 hours together Jason. I didn’t buy enough hours, suddenly my car was being towed.

You could have asked for a ride home from Alfred! He would have in a heartbeat.

I was going to! But  I got distracted and it all became a blur and suddenly I was part of the way home in the dark by myself!

What if you had gotten hurt?

Well, I saw one of the vigilantes of the city on the rooftops, I’m sure if I screamed they would have seen me. They always do see that stuff.

So, your car got towed huh?

Yeah, I don’t know when I’ll be able to pay it off. It’s not exactly like money my parents give me should go to my car getting towed because I got fucked over by seeing my boyfriend. 

You’ll figure it out. Sorry about the car, that’s got to suck fucking ass.

You think? I’m stuck taking the fuckin’ subway till I get my car back. I hate the subway, too many people. Far too many people. Too many eyes. It gets stressful really quickly. Might just walk every where honestly, I can’t deal with the eyes of strangers.

But you’re a C-list celebrity.

Internet is different. I can just block the bad eyes and move on with my life, you should see my block list now that some people are connecting my name to the girl who flipped off the press, thank god Twitter has a fuckin block feature.

You should really just meet my family so you don’t have to run away before they get home, would probably cause you a lot less financial stress, Y/N.

I’ll think about it.

You should think a little harder about it. I don’t want you to get your car impounded ‘cause you’re seeing me, why did you even park in pay-to-park?

Did you not see the massive mob trying to get to you? It was impossible for me to even try to pull into the driveway. Hence why I’m being insulted, you know, ‘cause I yelled at the press to get them to leave me alone. I fucking hate the press, you’re stabbed, severely injured last time they got information, and they’re harassing me, asking me what I like to do on the weekends.

Fucking vultures. Yeah, I’ve seen that. I’ve read the articles. But that’s the press for you, absolute trash and spitting bullshit in everyway.

Fucking hate the press, that’s for damn sure. Despise them. I won’t ever change that, even if, knock on wood, we break up.

Praying we don’t break up so I can see you lose your shit at the press when you’re bored.

She would get up to go make some coffee, since it was closer to 7:20am and if her roommate woke up, she could just tell her to get up anyway.

The press can suck my dick. she said.

You have a dick?

Oh yeah. Massive. 20ft long. It probably won’t even fit all the vultures.

Oh my god, that’s not as big as mine.

lmfao is it now?

Oh yeah.

Nice.

Anyway, my brothers are staying home from school today,  I think they’re making me play Resident Evil 8 with them? You know that game?

Of course. Everyone in that game is infinitely hot.

Are you bi? 

I don’t know. Haven't thought that far ahead to actually label myself. I just like people. Sometimes it’s men, sometimes it’s women. But you have to agree when you see them all. That game came out when I was still in  high school, so I’ve played the entire thing. My phone background is actually one of the characters.

Which one?

I’ll show you if I come over tonight.

My brothers might be in my room, though.

Okay, but, RE8 is an amazing game. So, worth it.

You won’t meet them normally but I pull out a game you love and you’re down?

I’m very easy to convince.

You still have notes to write when you come over though.

Oh yeah, I was probably going to have to come over both ways, just because I need those notes and you do too.

Do you not own a printer?

I barely even own a laptop, I’m waiting for my old one to come in the mail. 

How do you even manage?

With a whole lot of will and spite, anything is possible.

And that’s when her discord group chat @’ed her. She was on Do Not Disturb because she was Jason, and apparently they missed her.

Y/N! C’mere. One said.

Yes? Whatduhya want nerds?

We’ve decided to hold a fake internet wedding between you and Christopher. Another said.

A what.

We’re getting married!

Sometimes I wish I never left Metropolis and then I remember you fucks live there. Why are we doing this? You do know I have a boyfriend right? She asked them.

I don’t know, we’re bored and we miss you. We can have a bachelorette party in Gotham, if you want.

I’m this close to going back on DND.

The group chat was made way back when they had all first met in grade 9 and had been active ever since. They all had stayed in the city when they graduated though, but since Y/N received a scholarship, fully paid for, she took the opportunity and jumped.

They were some of her closest friends, even if they lived in a different city to her now, even if they were all busy with school, even if she was busy with school and a boyfriend, A lot of her life wouldn’t be complete without her crack friends in her hometown.

They had all ben partying like crazy while she was gone, and if she wasn’t so hung up in her own life, she’d probably be down there with them. 

Before you do, can you please explain why you’re screaming at the press, lmao.

Because fuck the press, dude. Why else? 

What did they do to you?

Have you seen the recent articles?

That’s true.

She laughed and finished her coffee. Jason had not responded yet, she assumed his brothers were either checking on him or they had started the game. It was around 8am when A/N finally left her room.

“I thought you were staying with Jason?”

“I was, but then I remembered he has like 9 siblings and I’m not about to meet them all. Then I walked home.”

“You walked?”

“Car got towed.”

“Fuck, can you afford the bill? I can’t.”

“Nope.”

“Guess we’re going to take the subway for a while, huh.”

She sighed and put her cup in the sink, “At least you don’t have school to go to and your lover comes to meet you, I have shit to do and places to be,” she frowned, “Inconvenient.”

“Could you borrow money from Jason’s dad?”

“I don’t borrow money from family, it’s hard enough for me to accept the money my parents send me.”

“I know it is, when’s your class?”

“3pm, I’ll be leaving at 12pm though, because the subway is unreliable.”

“This is going to be a hard hit for us.”

“Well, it’s not like it’s fucking your credit. Mine’s tanking.”

“You’ll pull through it.”

-------------------------------------------

She got onto the subway at 12:30pm. She really hated the way it was running. The people, the faces, the staring eyes of unwanted attention. People knew who she was and she hated it. She didn’t like the attention, she just liked the fucking with people. She wanted to get off the subway the minute she got on.

She eventually couldn’t take it and got off a few stops away, there was still a substantial walk towards the college, but she knew it would be. She even brought a leather jacket with her so that she could walk if she couldn’t take it anymore.

And there she was, in the busy streets of Gotham, walking to her college. Barely aware of the people who did stare at her, because she just kept walking, lost in her thought but aware of the people in her trail, the cross walks and the lights she was waiting for occasionally. She just kept walking until Artemis met up with her,

“Hey! I didn’t know you were walking to school today,” Artemis said.

“Oh! I didn’t want to, my car got towed though.”

“Your car got towed? That sucks so much. Well, we’re going the same way, so I’ve decided I’m going to walk with you, you get no say.”

“Of course. I was going to ask if you wanted to,” she laughed, “It’s more fun with a friend anyway, Art.”

“So, how are things with you and Jason, I’m legally obliged to ask as one of his friends.”

“Well, we made it official if that’s the kind of thing you want to hear,” she laughed again, “I’m sure it’s the answer Dick will eat up.”

“You’re right about that one. Dick’s a sucker for a romantic story, you should write one, since you write. He’d probably read it all.”

“Well, that would be fun, but I still don’t have my laptop.”

“You could use Jason’s?” Artemis suggested..

“Nah. It’ll be fine,” she said, “I’ll manage.”

“Aren’t you collecting notes for him for your psychology class?”

“I am, it’s not like he can go anywhere. I actually told him he’d need to walk eventually so that it’s not a learning curve when he’s healed.”

“That’s what all of us are telling him too, he’s a stubborn man, good luck with that one,” Artemis laughed, “He’s always been the stubborn friend. Worse than Will, actually, and Will is really bad with being stubborn.”

“It’s fine,” she laughed, “If you asked any of my Metropolis friends they’d say the same about me.”

“I bet you were quite the wild child in your heyday back in your city,” Artemis laughed, “I hate Metropolis.”

“Who doesn’t? It’s so crowded.”

“Uh, Clark doesn’t. He thrives there, no idea why, he grew up in Smallville. If anyone should be uncomfortable with Metropolis it should be the small-city country boy, but I guess it’s his thing.”

“I forget you know everyone.”

“We know a lot of people, are you’re slowly being let into our massive circle of very well-known people. Welcome to the group, I guess,” she laughed, “You'll either hate or love the fame that comes from this.”

“Well, if its paparazzi and press, I think I’ll hate it.”

“I can promise you right now that it’s not all paparazzi and press, we haven’t been bothered today, probably because we are on the move.”

“You shouldn’t say that, you’ll jinx it.”

“I know a lot about not jinxing it, but that’s a story for another time,” Y/N noticed that when Artemis said this her eyes glazed over and she looked upset.

“You don’t ever have to talk to me about something you’re not ready to talk about,” Y/N reassured her.

“Hey, the trauma makes me funny.”

“Two can play that game.”

They would ramble on for the rest of the walk to their college. Nothing really of substance, just getting to know each other further. She was glad she found a friend in Artemis, it would have sucked if the two of them didn’t get along, but with each word they exchanged, they had so much fun.

She even told Artemis about that time she played Katherine Howard in her school’s budget play of Six - The Musical. She was proud of the riffs she was able to do, but she didn’t talk about it often. She was never the type of brag about her achievements, no matter how amazing they were.

But Artemis and Y/N parted ways and Y/N went to her class and wrote the same, boring, scribbly and barely legible notes. She figured eventually she’d need nicer handwriting, but did she want to work on it? No.

When she finished, she saw Artemis and who she could only assume to be Wally, at Artemis’ class doors. She waved to Artemis, before Artemis called her over.

“Y/N! Hey, I would ask how class is, but this is Wally,” she gestured to the red-head boy beside her, and Y/N held out her hand to shake Wally’s.

“Hi, Wally.”

“Y/N. It’s nice to meet you since Jason can’t shut up about you and my girlfriend likes you a lot.”

“Well that's sweet of you Artemis. You’re just so in love with me,” Y/N joked.

“Girl. You know it,” Artemis joked back.

“You two already have a close bond? That’s impressive,” Wally said, “Never seen anyone win over any of my friends this quickly,” he muttered.

They joked for a little while longer, just getting to know Wally before she had to go, she had to get to Jason’s.

The walk was a while away, so she went and sat on a park bench for a minute to check her phone, Jason had texted her.

Hey baby, are you coming over?

I am, yes. I actually just met Wally.

You met Wally and I wasn’t there to see it? C’mon.

Artemis introduced us! Go yell at her.

Oh. Never mind. I won’t do that.

Ha! Scared of her?

Maybe a little, she can be scary, okay?

You can’t tell but I’m laughing at you.

Dhmu.

That’s fine, I’ll just go hang out with Alfred and not you. He seems like he would be spiteful like me.

That’s unfair.

I thought you said don’t hit me up?

Fuck.

Checkmate.

I am upset.

No you’re not.

No I’m not.

She would walk down the street further, maybe within a couple steps to reach the Manor, when a man dragged her into an alleyway. She yelped.

“Uh, hello? Can I help you?” she asked, pretending she wasn’t terrified.

“How much would Bruce give me for you?” the attacker mumbled before he tried to knock her to the ground, but she had another plan.

He grabbed her, put his face close to hers, and she head-butted him, he would stumble back, and she started running to the Manor.

“Come here you fucking bitch!” he screamed. She could feel her nose bleeding as she ran and ran, the security saw her and pulled her into the gateway before drawing their guns and urging her to run to the steps of the Manor.

And she ran. The security at the door saw her and let her in, and yelled for Alfred.

“What is this nonsense, oh,” Alfred paused when he saw the blood running out of Y/N’s nose, “Miss Y/N, what happened to you?” he asked before grabbing her hand and pulling her into the entry-way bathroom and opening a first-aid kit.

“Okay so, what happened was I was walking to the Manor because my car got towed right? And this fucking bastard dude pops out from an alleyway and pulls me into it, asks some bullshit about how much Bruce would pay for me, when he grabbed me and tried to knock me down, when I head-butted him and started running,” she said, completely unphased.

Alfred didn’t respond to her and started to stop the bleeding when Bruce called for him, “In the entry-way bathroom, Master Wayne!” he answered.

Bruce came around the corner and saw Alfred was already tending to Y/N, “Well, this is the event where I meet my son’s girlfriend, when she is bleeding and running from a strange man in an alleyway.”

“Heh, sorry,” she said and outstretched her hand to shake his, “It’s nice to finally meet you, Bruce.”

“I can tell you’re going to be quite the addition to this household,” he said as he took her hand and shook it, “As long as you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.”

“That’s good. I guess you can’t get mad at Jase for being a reckless man now.”

“I really can’t.”

“Alright, you should be good, Miss Y/N.”

“Thank you, Alfred. But you really didn’t have to.”

“I’ve been taking care of 5 boys and 3 girls since most of them were little, Miss Y/N. A little blood is really no big deal for me to handle.”

“That’s obvious.”

“You can go see the boys now, they’re going to ask you though,” Bruce said.

“I know.”

She walked to Jason’s room, hoping that he wouldn’t have all of his siblings in the room, he did though.

“Hey, Y/N- what the fuck happened to you?” Jason exclaimed when she opened the door.

“Oh great, all your siblings are here. Anyway, I guess,” she paused, taking in a big breath so she could run through the events quickly, “So I was walking here ‘cause my car got towed, right? When some fucking bastard man grabs me and yanks me into an alleyway and starts going off about how much Bruce will pay him to get me back or something,” she paused again, “And when he tried to knock me down by getting really close and personal to my face, like an idiot I should add, I head-butted him.”

“You did what?’

“I’m not done yet, met your dad when I actually had blood running out of my nose because that's just my fucking luck. Okay, now you can be disappointed in me,” she joked.

“I will say again, you did what?”

“Something stupid?” she said.

“You could say that again, my god, what went through your head?”

“Uh, nothing. Just survival. Fight or flight but I head-butted a man, and hi, everyone.”

“Hi, Y/N, I’m Dick,” Dick said, “You clearly are meant for Jason,” he joked, “That's something he would do.”

“Don’t encourage her, Dick!”

Stephanie got up and greeted her, “You know, Y/N, I always wanted a crazy sister,” she joked, “I’m Stephanie, the black-haired girl is Cass, and the red-head is Barbara.”

“Me too,” Cass hopped onto the joke.

“It’s something else when you meet the girl your brother is dating after she head-butted a man, apparently,” Y/N laughed, “I know it’s far-fetched-”

“Not really,” Tim cut her off, “You know Jason protected Will when they were attacked?”

“That’s Tim, by the way,” Dick said.

“So you can’t yell at me for head-butting a man!” Y/N joked at Jason while going to sit beside him, he slinged an arm around her shoulder and leant his head into her head.

“Well, you seem like a nice enough girl,” Barbara said, “Take away the reckless behavior, and you are lovely.”

“That is valid, to be honest. Not exactly the way you want to meet your brother’s girlfriend.”

“You think?” Jason asked, sarcastically.

“Ha ha.”

“See, she thinks I’m funny, why can’t you fucks?”

Y/N laughed and then asked Dick, who was playing RE8 at the time, staring at the photo of Donna Bentiveno, “She’s cute, isn’t she, Dick?”

“Have I been staring?”

“Let’s just say Angie is probably very pissed at you.”

“Oh! Whoops. There’s a point to this, I forgot.”

“I don’t blame you, I remember forgetting there was a point and the little bitch devil doll would attack you.”

“Language.”

“Oh no, you’re lame. Gross.”

“Excuse me?” Dick asked as the rest of the room erupted in laughter.

“Do you guys see why I like her now?” Jason asked.

“Uh no, she’s mean,” Dick said.

“You’re going to die if you don’t start paying attention, Dick,” Y/N said.

“Oh!” and he died.

“And that kids, is why we listen to the person who’s 100%’ed the game.”

------------------------------

Y/N and Jason would spend hours with his brothers and sisters until the sun started to set and they all scattered to their own rooms to  do their own things. you can’t keep a lot of kids in one room for so long.

Once everyone left, Y/N placed her hands on Jason and kissed him, she was actually able to be laid on his pillow, he was able to pin her to the bed. And they did just that. He was on top of her, using his one arm to prop himself up and using his other hand to touch her face.

Her hands found their way into his hair like they always did, she found a lot of joy in playing with his hair. Their tongues danced together, they never fought or anything, they just enjoyed each other when Jason let out a small moan and she let out a small laugh.

“Keep it in your pants, Tiger,” she joked, “You’re not fully healed.”

“You literally smashed your face into another man but I can’t moan when I kiss you?”

“Because I know you want more.”

“Hell yeah I do,” he said as he went back for more, actually using his strength to keep her to the bed, but she didn’t protest this time.

[thechildoflightning]

The Kübler-Ross Model

Title: The Kübler-Ross Model [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: background LAMP

~~~

Chapter Title: Depression- Chapter Four

Summary: 

Stage Four: Depression- Characterized by intense sadness at the realization that the loss that has occurred is permanent.

In which Remy is drowning in sadness.

Warnings: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Family Relationships, Intense Sadness, Loss of Appetite, Food Mention

[ao3 link]

Depression- Chapter Four

“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone says, strangely subdued. Remy doesn’t even pause to wonder who it’s from. She puts her finger to the screen, sliding it around as she searches for the desired section.

“Voicemail.”

One finger down.

“Daniel Zurko. M-”

Double tap.

“I’m- Remy. I miss you. I worry. I don’t- you won’t even answer my calls, I don’t know how you are, I… Remy I just miss you so much. Please, call. If just to let me know you’re okay. Please. Don’t keep doing this to me Remy.”

-

Remy doesn’t see Kai or Elliot until dinner. They meet up in the dining hall and find three open spaces. It’s pretty packed, so Cha-Cha slides into a tuck under her feet.

They eat in silence for awhile, the atmosphere obviously a bit tense.

“I’m sorry,” Remy says at last, “It wasn’t fair of me to snap at either of you. Kai, you were just trying to be helpful, Elliot you had no idea anything was even going on. I shouldn’t have done that. I was angry about some stuff, and I shouldn’t have taken that out on you two.”

“Okay thanks,” Elliot says.

“Forgiven,” Kai agrees.

Remy nods.

“And, Remy?” Elliot asks. Their voice sounds anxious, but doesn’t waver. Remy can’t help but feel that whatever they’re about to say is going to be incredibly important.

“Yeah?”

“You don’t- if you want- you know you can talk to us, right?”

It’s such a simple sentence, but it carries a ton of weight behind it. It means that Remy has people supporting her, people on her side. She has these systems around her to help her out. She just has to accept that help, that support.

“Yeah, I know,” she mutters.

Does she?

“Okay.”

“Are we still planning on creating Dungeons and Dragons characters tonight?” Kai asks after a moment, “And then actually getting moving on starting a campaign.”

“I- I think Mitchell wanted to do something tonight?” Elliot voices before Remuy gets a chance to confirm.

“Aww that’s three times in a row now, Elliot,” Kai points out.

“I can tell him no- I don’t have to-”

“No, no,” Kai insists, “If you have plans with your boyfriend that’s okay, that’s alright. You don’t have to feel bad for wanting to spend time with your boyfriend. We can totally work something else out.”

Elliot lets out a tiny sigh and it sounds wrong. Remy doesn’t like it. Remy’s slowing getting to know Elliot on a deeper level, to understand them. She knows they can get anxious about small things, and maybe it’s a sigh of relief. 

But it doesn’t sound like one.

“Elliot?” Remy asks.

“Hmm?”

“Do you want to spend time with Mitchell?”

“Of course I do!” they insist, “Mitchel’s my boyfriend. It’s- he doesn’t deserve to be ignored.”

“I mean I don’t think spending one night with your friends would be considered ‘ignored,’” Kai comments, “But it’s not my relationship. So… as long as you're happy.”

Is Elliot happy?

“Yeah,” Elliot says. They hesitate. “This Thursday, okay? Thursday, DnD characters. I’ll be there. Promise.”

“Awesome!” Kai cheers. Remy can’t help but agree with the sentiment.

-

Thursday has the three of them Kai’s bed in their and Remy’s dorm. Kai’s laptop is in their lap and Cha-Cha has ditched Remy to curl into Elliot’s side. Elliot’s much to happy about this, sweet talking her and giving her all sorts of attention and pets.

Remy’s friends give Cha-Cha too much love and attention. They haven’t spent years with her, they don’t understand how terrible she can be. For example, her horrible sock stealing habit. Okay, Kai knows about that, but they forgive Cha-Cha way too easily. Remy’s just waiting until they start having to replace pairs again and again. Then Kai will understand how truly evil she can be.

“Okay, so with DnD we generally start with race and class.”

“Race: white and Roma, class: upper middle,” Remy responds.

“I… literally cannot tell if you are joking or not.”

“I am. A friend played. I know like, basic basics.”

Remy still hasn’t talked to any of her friends back home. She winces internally and pushes that away. She’ll get to it eventually, just… later.

“All I know comes from Stranger Things,” Elliot admits, which is a great distraction from Remy’s thoughts. It causes Kai to sigh loudly at how inept they are.

“Right. Okay. We have a lot of work to do.”

Kai starts explaining the game and how it works and quickly moves onto characters. They’re telling them about stats when Remy interrupts.

“I still don’t get why I can’t just take everything and put it into charisma and have everything else be zeros,” she says.

“Because that isn’t how you play the game,” Kai says, “Next question. Yes Elliot. And you don’t need to raise your hand.”

“You should let Remy put everything into charisma and have everything else be zeros.”

Remy points to Elliot in agreement. It’s good to know that they have her back in Remy’s quest to completely annoy Kai.

“That’s not a question.”

“Can you please let him put everything into charisma and have everything else be zeros?”

Something twists inside Remy when Elliot uses he/him for him. It’s not Elliot’s fault, Remy knows it’s not. She doesn’t blame them. Remy has’t told either of them yet. She wants to… but it’s hard. She doesn’t quite know how. She hasn’t told anyone besides Patton yet, and she doesn’t know how to start.

“No. Stop asking me that,” Kai groans, “You can’t- no. Maybe if you had more experience I’d let you have more skewed stats, but either way you still can’t have anything that high. But considering you’re both beginners, we're going to start with fairly balanced stats.”

“Can I at least have Cha-Cha?”

“Let Remy have Cha-Cha, Kai, don’t be mean.”

“I- there’s rules for pets- Okay are you blind?”

“Actually no, I’m not blind, I’ve been lying to you both this entire time. I just wanted to bring my dog to college and thought ‘hey yeah, this’ll work,’” Remy jokes. Elliot laughs at that while Kai just sighs even louder.

“In the game, Remy, in the game. Are you blind?”

“I can not be blind?”

“It’s a fucking game I don’t care.”

“Okay yeah sure I’m blind.”

“Then fine- fine you can have Cha-Cha as a guide dog. But she can only use commands she knows. She can’t fight and stuff.”

“What if Cha-Cha knows how to attack people?”

“Does she?”

“Yes.”

The room falls silent.

“So that’s terrifying,” Kai says as Remy calls Cha-Cha to her.

“Cha-Cha, attack,” Remy commands when her dog is at her side. Cha-Cha responds instantly, covering Remy with kisses that are very slobbery and very gross. 

“Oh my- Remy I literally thought you meant you trained Cha-Cha to attack people!” Elliot screeches.

“With kisses, attack with kisses.”

Kai groans and shoves Remy lightly, pushing her into her dog who is still trying to lick her. Remy tells her to stop, and Cha-Cha settles at her feet. Remy nudges her lightly with a foot, and Cha-Cha responds by starting to nibble on her sock, most certainly in an attempt to eventually pull it off and hoard it wherever the others are. 

“Kiss attacks will not inflict damage in DnD. And speaking of DnD, let’s get back on task, yeah? Elliot, your character, what’s their name.”

“Uhhh….”

“You’ve been staring at the page for like an hour now!” Kai protests.

“There’s a lot of names to choose from! Plus I have the option to make my own so give me time. Ask Remy.”

“Remy, your character, what’s his name?”

“Her,” Remy responds on reflex, because this entire time she’s been thinking of her character as a girl. She quickly realizes her mistake.

“Shit I didn’t mean to say that,” she says at the exact same moment that Kai goes, “Okay, what’s her name?”

Fuck. Remy’s just made things worse.

“What?” Kai asks.

“What?” she responds.

“What?” Elliot joins in.

Remy groans and shoves her face in her hands. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Remy? Your character can be a girl, that’s totally chill,” Kai tells her, voice carrying hesitance and amusement, “They don’t have to be the same gender as you.”

Remy groans louder.

“Fuck I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she says.

“What?” Elliot whispers again.

“I don’t know?” Kai whispers back.

“I can hear you,” Remy complains, “I’m fuckin’ blind not deaf.”

She sighs once more and pulls her head more. Rip it off like a band aid. It’ll be fine. She’s fine. She.

“I’m a woman. I’m trans. So yeah. That’s a thing. So my character is going to use she/her pronouns too. Like me.”

There’s a second of silence and Remy feels like she's about to burst. What are they thinking? Will they hate her? They wouldn’t. Right?

“Oh. Congratulations!” Elliot says, “We still love you obviously.”

That’s a relief. Remy knows they would. Of course they would. But she was still afraid.

“Yes,” Kai jumps in, “Awesome. My lovely friend is a woman, she’s awesome, all the valid. Also I have to say this is not the first time someone I know has come out during DnD so congrats, you can join the metaphorical club for that.”

Remy glows.

There’s still the nervous energy thrumming through her, because even though she knows they would be supportive this is still terrifying. Hearing them actually support her is gratifying and makes her heart soar.

“Can I ask about your name?” Elliot asks.

“Remy. Still Remy. That’s important to me. And I know that’s not traditional or-”

“That’s fine. All it needs to be is something that you’re happy with,” Kai butts in.

“It is. I am. Uh, so yeah. Remy. Middle name is Eileen. Remy Eileen.”

“That’s really pretty,” Elliot says.

“Thanks. And I’m not- or well- I think I’m sure but I’m not sure? Because I- I do feel like I’m- like I am trans. But I don’t think I get dysphoria? Or not that I’ve noticed. I mean I get social dysphoria. I did the day I met you Kai, which makes so much sense now, but I don’t think I get gender dysphoria. And I’ve been reading-”

“If you’ve been reading, you’ll know that anyone worth shit knows that you don’t have to experience gender dysphoria to be trans,” Kai insists, tone offering no room for debate.

“I know.”

Remy does. There's a lot of exclusionary rhetoric out there, but there’s also so much love and support. Remy’s found whole communities of people with different experiences of being trans. She knows her own experience is just as valid, it’s no less than anyone else’s.

“But it’s still hard?” Elliot offers.

“Yeah,” she admits, because it is. It’s been a relief knowing but it’s also terrifying.

Kai and Elliot both make noises of agreement and Remy feels safe. She feels loved. She feels like she’s home.

Her phone starts ringing.

It’s her dad.

She suddenly feels miserable.

It slams into her like a wave, all at once. Full force and she feels like she’s drowning. It hits so suddenly and the tide just sweeps her right off her feet leaving her floundering.

She’s loved, she’s home, she has a good life, good people around her.

And then her dad calls and he brings all the pain and misery right back up.

Remy denies the call, suddenly exhausted.

“Remy?” Elliot asks.

“Just my dad, let’s keep going.”

“Are you sure?” Kai asks.

Remy’s not. She’s exhausted. She feels like she’s being weighed down, falling and unable to get up.

“Yeah,” she says, “Yeah.”

Elliot and Kai are hesitant, but they go back to conversing and trying to figure out Elliot’s character’s name. Remy just sits with them, pitching in as little as possible, mind drifting away and a heavy sadness in her heart.

-

Remy’s not doing well and she doesn’t know what to do about that, but it’s time to admit it. 

She’s not doing well. 

At all. 

She doesn’t know what to do about it. 

At all.

Because the thing is- the truth is, Remy’s been ignoring this. She’s been ignoring this and she’s been mad at her dad and she’s tried to fix it. 

But she can’t. And she can’t move on either. Because Remy- Remy misses her dad. 

She misses him and that’s the worst part of all of this. 

Because her dad wasn’t a good dad. He made too many mistakes to excuse. He’s suffocated Remy her entire life. He’s manipulative. He took away Cha-Cha. He took away Remy’s freedom. Remy has never been to think about her own wants and needs, she’s always had to cater to her father. He had played on her love for him to keep her by his side for ages. And it worked. It had worked well. 

It works well. 

Because Remy still loves him and she wants to pick up the phone, and she knows the minute she does she’ll go running home. 

Because her father will say he misses her and he loves her and he needs her without apologizing for anything. And then he’ll insist that she can’t do this on her own. He’ll wheedle and he’ll pick at her, saying how he needs her, how she needs him and then she’ll come running back like she always does.

She doesn't want to keep doing that, but it’s hard, because it’s her dad.

And what if this time will be different? 

It won’t be. Remy knows it won’t. She lost that last shred of hope when she left home. It’s the reason she won’t pick up the phone, because she knows her father hasn’t changed, isn’t going to change.

She hates it.

It’s- he’s her dad. She shouldn’t be in this situation. He should love her and support her and be there for her. She shouldn’t be fielding calls and running away and struggling through her first year at college alone. This is something he should be doing with her.

Remy wants to call him, but she can’t. Not now, maybe not ever. Not until he changes. Really, truly changes.

She doesn’t know if he ever well. She sighs loudly. 

“You okay?” Kai asks from where he’s sitting at his desk, playing a game on his computer.

“Fine,” Remy insists, spread eagle (or as spread eagle as she can get while being six foot and on a dorm room bed). 

“You don’t seem fine,” Kai says. 

“I’m just tired.”

That’s true. Remy is exhausted, but she knows that isn’t the whole truth. She doesn’t know the last time she told the whole truth. 

“Oh,” Kai says. 

“Yeah,” Remy agrees. 

“Uh- I mean if you’re too tired we don’t have to- but I’m pretty sure they have puppies at the student center today.”

“Holy shit you’re kidding,” Remy says, sitting upright. 

Kai laughs.

“Yeah I saw a sign the other day. It’s like a monthly thing? Or something.”

“We are absolutely going. What time is it?” Remy asks, as she reaches for her phone. 

“12:14,” Kai answers promptly. 

“Cool, cool. We’ll catch Elliot coming out of their lecture? Get lunch in the dining hall and then puppies?”

Puppies will make her feel better, right?

“Hell yeah,” Kai grins. 

Hopefully puppies will make her feel better. 

“Let’s go.”

If they don’t make her feel better, at least they’ll be a distraction. 

“Rem?”

That’s good enough, right?

“Uh, yeah?” 

“Are we going?”

“Right, right,” Remy says. She nods and stands and suddenly feels exhausted once more. The excitement of puppies has already started to fade, giving way to the overwhelming sadness that’s begun to engulf her. 

“Can we take the bus?” Kai asks. He seems hesitant- presumably because it’s not that far to the dining hall. Only one stop actually. But the bus does get that one stop closer. Remy's learning that for Kai, that can be a significant difference. 

“Sure,” Remy says. 

“Okay.”

“I think I’m going to leave Cha-Cha here. I think the puppies and her- I mean it’ll probably be fine but I don’t know anything about these puppies or if they won’t want Cha-Cha around them and-“ Remy shrugs, “I’m just gonna leave her here.”

“Okay.”

Remy starts looking for her cane. (She swore it was by the door)? As she does so a thought comes to mind and she significantly perks up. 

“Oh- and Kai, guess what that means?”

Kai knows exactly what that means if his loud groan is anything to go by. 

“No.”

She locates her cane- it was folded on her desk.

“You don’t have to guide me,” Remy says, “but it’s good practice. And like- let’s be real here. If you’re guiding I’m still going to be somewhat using my cane. I don’t trust you that much yet.”

“Yeah. You shouldn’t,” Kai supports, “I almost crashed you into a pole last time. I did have you trip on stairs.”

“There’s only four stairs from here to the dining hall, not counting the bus and I know where they are.”

“Your funeral,” Kai says, and that settles the matter. 

They quickly gather their things together and head for the door. 

They make quick progress to the dining hall. Kai forgets to warn her of the first set of stairs, and when Remy points that out he swears loudly. He remembers the second set. They get lunch and sit, texting Elliot when they get there. 

“They/them now,” Kai says, just as Elliot sits with them. 

“Okay!” Elliot says, surprisingly cheerful as Remy nods in agreement. “Awww, no Cha-Cha, Rem? I miss my favorite person.”

“First off Cha-Cha isn’t a person, she’s a dog. Second of all, glad to know I’m second to my dog.”

“Nah,” Elliot says, “You’re third. Kai’s second.”

“Obviously,” Kai agrees at the same time as Remy’s exclamation of, “Hey!”

They’re joking. Remy knows they’re joking, and it’s funny. It is. 

Remy doesn’t know why she has to convince herself of that fact. 

They don’t see her as last. She’s their friend. They’re equals and they get along great and things are fine. Everything’s fine. 

Remy's entire world is crumbling apart. 

She’s miserable. 

The others don’t seem to notice her distress, which is a good sign. Remy doesn’t want them to know. She can deal with this herself. 

Kai starts to explain the plan with the puppies to Elliot. They seem as equally excited about it as Remy was. Remy smiles, puts on a facade of happiness. She picks at the rest of her food, appetite now lost. 

The puppies help. A bit. Remy thinks. Maybe it’s just a placebo effect. (Shouldn’t a placebo effect count still? It should, right? Any happiness is better than now, right? Is she even using the term ‘placebo effect’ correctly?)

The puppies are very cute at the very least. They clamor into her lap and their little bodies are so wiggly. Remy takes a seat on the floor and they immediately cover her. Kai and Elliot seemed equally pleased. Elliot sits next to him, cooing at the adorable little things. Kai was sitting nor far off from them, over on a bench, with a small pup in his lap. Remy assumes they’re still there.

A pup licks her face and a smile spreads across her face. Yeah, she thinks it's helping at least a little bit.

Eventually, they have to say goodbye to the puppies. None of them were pleased about that, but at least they got the experience at all. Kai splits from them to head to the library and so Remy and Elliot head back to their dorm without them. 

They fall into easy and comfortable silence when Elliot asks a question that Remy does not want to answer.

“Remy- are you doing okay? You seem- I dunno- off.”

“I’m just tired,” she says, and well, it’s not a lie.

Elliot sighs.

“Are you?”

“Yes?” Remy says, not quite sure what Elliot’s asking.

“I just- I mean, I’m not saying you’re not tired. But is there a reason you’re tired? I- You’ve seemed a bit down lately, so…”

“I’m fine,” Remy insists, “I just didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Okay,” Elliot says, dropping the subject. Remys knows they don’t believe her. Which is fair- Remy wouldn't believe herself either, and Elliot’s concerns were pretty much spot on.

They walk in awkward silence the rest of the way. Elliot goes to their dorm, and Remy to hers. Even though Remy knows that the tense atmosphere is largely her doing, she can’t help but wish that someone will break it. Anyone but her. (She knows it has to be her).

Remy works a bit on a paper, but she’s too unmotivated to do much. She just keeps running her fingers over the same line of braille without editing or adding on. Eventually, she gives up and takes Cha-Cha outside. They play fetch for a while and usually it’s a fun activity but this time Remy just feels empty. She feels lonely.

She feels sad.

She finally knows why.

She misses her dad. She misses life being easy. She hates admitting that the relationship she and her dad had was this fractured.

She’s admitting it all finally. It hurts. It hurts like crazy.

She’s not doing anything about the overwhelming sadness. The truth is, she doesn’t really know what to do about it.

Remy and Cha-Cha go back inside. 

Remy still can't concentrate on her paper, so she gives up once more and listens to an audiobook instead. She can’t focus and all the words blur together. She knows she’s going to have to listen to this all again the next time she plays it. She doesn’t turn it off.

Kai comes back at some point. They talk a bit. Kai takes their leg braces off and ices their knees. Remy pretends to do her homework. It’s a normal night all things considered.

Then Kai goes to bed and Remy doesn’t. Not normal, but not abnormal. The two of them tend to head to bed around the same time but not always. It's certainly not unusual.

What is unusual is how late Remy stays up. She always had trouble with sleep cycles and because of that, she does her best to stay consistent. But midnight approaches and passes, and then one, and then two, and then three, and then suddenly it’s four something in the morning and Remy still hasn’t slept.

Her thoughts are just too much. She’s exhausted. She’s so tired. But she can’t sleep. She can’t sleep and she’s so sad and she doesn’t know what she's doing anymore how did she think she could handle this she is drowning and-

And Remy sighs, makes her decision, and pulls out her phone. It’s time for a call.

~

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[skyfallensoldier]

Mobile Navigation || Rules & Mun ↓

DISCLAIMER: I just want to note here at the beginning that while I am considering this RP blog to be historically based, i.e. remaining true to the time period and overall details of John Laurens' biographical information and whatnot, I do not consider myself a historically accurate blog, not entirely. Historical fiction is a well known genre of literature and many, MANY creative liberties are taken within that genre. Think of this blog like you would if you saw an Anastasia Romanov blog. She's dead, we know she didn't survive, and she's been dead a long-ass time; so has Laurens. People still have included her in many works of fiction, even after her body was identified and it was proven she did not survive her family's massacre. I saw a romance book a couple of months ago where she survived that was recently published. Historical fiction, while a controversial thing at times, is a legitimate form of literature.

You don't have to tell me if you think John isn't acting exactly like the real man himself would have, I know that. I'm not going to call John my 'perfect sunshine boy cinnamon roll' or dismiss the privilege he was raised on due to his father, I'm aware he was a real person who had his own personality, virtues and prejudices. I won't deny that while he was certainly a progressive thinking man for the time he grew up in he definitely still had racist thoughts and actions that were indicative of his upbringing. But I'm not on here to debate modern, real life politics, or get into arguments about whether he was a good abolitionist or not. At the end of the day, this is still a hobby for me, and I'm writing for fun.

Basically, don't take it too seriously. I'm a 21st century bisexual woman writing from the POV of an 18th century (likely gay) male soldier, the way I write him is obviously not going to be a perfect representation of who he was. I know he wasn't an amazing, perfect person, but I've still chosen to write a fictionalized version of him for my own entertainment. Please try to respect that; thank you.

Mun Stuff

Name: Luna Gender: Female (She/Her or They/Them) D.o.B: July 23rd, 1996 Age: 24 Nationality: Canadian Sexuality: Bisexual Timezone: Eastern Time (US & Canada) Activity: Daily BIOGRAPHY (SORT OF)

Hello, there! You can call me Luna! I've been interested in writing ever since I first got the internet when I was 14 and discovered FanFiction.Net and now I'm an aspiring author and Roleplay enthusiast. If you include acting/talking out DnD like games with friends then I've been 'roleplaying' since the fifth grade, but I like to think there's always room for improvement. If you ever want to chat I'd love to make a new friend or plot out a roleplay, so don't be afraid to shoot me an ask or send me a private message. Just because my muse can be a jackass doesn't mean I am! I’m a huge advocate for mental health, and if you ever need someone to talk to, please don’t ever hesitate to reach out! Some of my hobbies including literature and writing (of course), digging into mythology from various cultures, practicing solitary eclectic paganism/new age spirituality, drinking tea, and collecting crystals/minerals.

Please note that for the sake of disclosure, I am considered ‘Neurodivergent’, in that I suffer from ADHD, diagnosed at about age six, and have Anxiety and Depression which are directly tied to it. This doesn’t often effect my life on here, but I sometimes have an unpredictable sleep schedule (stay up all night, sleep in late into the morning, etc). I’m usually quick to reply to threads for the most part! I work every Tuesday and Thursday from 5pm to 7pm in addition to odd jobs here and there, during which time I won’t have access to the Internet. The rest of the week I’m on and off all day basically, so you can feel free to contact me any time.

RP Style

⭐️ Please use basic spelling/grammar/punctuation when you RP with me. I'm not a drill sergeant about these kinds of things, I know that typos happen, and if you have a vision problem or such we can absolutely find a way to work around that, I also have no problem roleplaying with people whose first language is not English, so that's totally fine and I’m happy to accomodate in whatever way I can, but it does make it a little difficult to play with you if I don't know what you're trying to say. For this reason I prefer if you not use any text shorthand (lol, idk, brb, jk, etc) unless our muses are messaging each other. Using it in the tags is fine.

⭐️ I roleplay Laurens in a past-tense 3rd Person Point of View (think story-telling format), and generally I don't use icons or text formatting unless I notice my partner does, then I will try to match their style (for example if you use icons and small-text, I will try to do the same, though because formatting isn't possible on mobile, any mobile replies might take longer to be posted than if I were on my laptop). If you have any issues with how I'm writing or need me to adjust my style for any reason don't be afraid to ask.

Contact

⭐️ If you spam me with messages over and over again about something I haven't replied to, chances are I'll drop the thread. I don't mind being reminded because I know Tumblr's notifications are notoriously unreliable sometimes, and humans can forget/lose things, but if you keep poking at me after I've acknowledged you the first and second time, I won't be pleased. Things can get busy on here, or in real life, or sometimes you're just lacking muse for that particular thread, y'know? It doesn't mean I hate you and don't want to RP, I'm almost always up for plotting, but muse tends to fluctuate.

⭐️ My ‘Discord’ is available to mutuals upon request. I don't mind roleplaying on there if Tumblr is being glitchy or you're just not feeling up to formatted/heavily plotted threads, sometimes Discord is fun in that you can do immediate replies without needing the effort of putting icons and formatting into it. I also have a Kik but I never use it. I don't RP in Tumblr's IMs, that's purely for OOC interaction.

⭐️ I also occasionally stream movies/TV shows in group chats or play “in character” Cards Against Humanity game nights, Among Us, etc. If you’re interested, lemme know, I’m always looking for more people to hang out with!

Important

I have no actual triggers that I'm aware of, although snakes do creep me out (mostly shots of them coiled up or images of their pupils), but there are some things I will not roleplay personally for comfort reasons:

⭐️ Cannibalism. You can mention it, for example I won't freak out if someone tells my muse that somebody else ate a person (he might, assuming its not a Supernatural type verse), but I won't RP him engaging in cannibalism, not even in AUs (blood-drinking vampires are fine). I'm just not sure I could stomach writing about eating people. I managed to watch Hannibal, barely, but writing about it? Nah. I can handle lots of horror, gore and disturbing content but not this. Sorry.

⭐ Incest/Pedophilia. I do not SEXUALLY ship with characters under the age of 18. John is not attracted to children, and would never consider sleeping with someone much younger than him.

⭐ I will not write anything sexual with muns who are under 18 years old, even if your muse is an adult. I'll still ROLEPLAY with you if you are under 18 but probably no younger than 16 just because things tend to get explicit on my blogs and I don't want to be accused of corrupting the youth with my foul language and weird opinions, lol. Seriously though, this blog covers a lot of dark subjects and while I’m all for minors exploring that safely through writing rather than in real life, some people aren’t comfortable with interacting with under age people for legal or personal reasons, please respect that.

⭐ Necrophilia. Just... no. Vampire threads don't count, as they're undead and not 'dead dead'.

⭐ Rape. I won't write it with you. I'm okay with mentions of rape, with rape/sexual assault survivor/recovery plots, and even with one character intervening to rescue another from an attempted sexual assault (if an attempted assault does occur, it will be thoroughly tagged and under a cut). I'm fully open to discussing rape recovery/trauma plots as those are things that happen in real life, and it can be interesting to explore how a character reacts to trauma. But anything else is a no-go, sorry!

⭐ Please be aware that I write Laurens as a gay man. However! Because of the time period, violent homophobia and social stigma, he has slept with women before and may be seen flirting with or referencing relationships with women in the past. He is still gay, and still uninterested in being with women long term, he's simply closeted to all but a few individuals. So, unless your muse is Martha Manning (who Laurens DOES love in a manner, and he always will), shipping with female characters on here most likely isn't going to happen unless it's heavily plotted/developed and part of an overall plot, and you understand that it will not be a conventional sexual relationship. I'm sorry if that disappoints you but I've read Laurens as a gay male for so long I have trouble seeing him any other way.

⭐ I will not roleplay slavery plots. This is not up for debate. Roleplaying a highly fictionalized version of a long dead real person who existed during a troubling time is one thing, but I draw the line at that. For this reason, while I'll happily play with non-white muses, muses using non white faceclaims, and crossovers with characters of all sorts, I'll have to decline playing with any muse claiming to actually be writing slavery. There’s a difference between, say, roleplaying a character like Daenerys, a fictional character who was technically a slave-bride sold by her brother, and writing actual slavery from a very real, horrible time period. Slave ownership will of course be mentioned on this blog, that's unavoidable, but just like the mention of rape may happen on this blog from time to time, it will be in reference to a past event or speaking about the subject in general, not roleplaying a scene of it. Please respect this rule, I was hesitant to make this blog at first, because I know it makes some people uncomfortable, but I won't glorify such a horrible real thing that happened to so many people.

Exclusives/Mains

Just a head's up, unless I develop a bunch of chemistry with a particular portrayal of a muse I'm not likely to agree to being exclusives with anyone, unless perhaps it's a very niche or divergent character that has formed a good relationship of some sort with John and I'd have trouble interacting with other versions of that muse. For major characters I just feel it would be unfair to say no to someone who I click with in every other way, solely because I have already befriended someone else writing that character.

I will, however, discuss becoming mains with someone whom I've either developed or plotted out detailed storylines/interactions with regarding our specific portrayals of our characters. This means that I tend to reply to them quickly when I'm online, or may make little gifts (moodboards, aesthetic things, mini ficlets, whatever) for them unprompted, have a verse dedicated just to them, etc. Even if it seems like we haven't done much on Tumblr, there may be a lot of off-site development on Discord or whatnot that led to us plotting out intricate stories for our muses.

Current Mains:

Alexander Hamilton - @quillborn​

DO

⭐️ Send private messages.

⭐️ Send my character asks/starters/memes.

⭐️ Tag me in things.

⭐️ Ask to plot or ship.

⭐️ Ask for angst, fluff, etc.

⭐️ Submit things to me & my muse.

⭐️ Do crack and other ridiculous things with me!

⭐️ Like my RP threads.

⭐️ Like my personal posts.

⭐️ Comment on my personal/OOC posts (if you want to).

⭐️ Comment on my crack threads.

⭐️ Instant Message (IM) me if you'd like to talk, whether we're friends already or not!

DON'T

⭐️ Send hateful messages to me about other people and especially my mutuals; doesn't count if it's about the muse and not the person playing them, however. Also, if I’ve got beef with someone for whatever reason, don’t harass them/send hate to them on my behalf, please. I don’t condone anonymous abuse, attacking others, or harassment. I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself, I promise.

⭐️ Introduce yourself with ‘wanna ship?’ For one, I prefer if we’ve at least started a roleplay together, or have spoken OOC. Auto shipping doesn’t always work out and I hate promising people something only to realize there’s zero chemistry, because then I feel like I’m letting them down.

⭐️ Come into my inbox with just ‘wanna rp?’ and that’s it. Please at least have some idea of what you want to roleplay, it’s not very fun when someone approaches you to RP but then doesn’t offer up any suggestions at all. Remember, you are always free to send me memes, whether we’re mutuals or not, and hit me up for whatever plot you think might interest me! I want to hear about it!

⭐️ Spam me with "reminder" messages if I've already acknowledged you the first few times.

⭐️ Reblog my RP threads if you're not a participant in them.

⭐️ Send me anonymous OOC hate. Hate for Laurens is fine, it's just another form of roleplay.

⭐️ Kill off my character or severely injure/maim my character without permission or having plotted something involving that with me first.

⭐️ Follow me if you're a porn blog. I don't mind blogs that post NSFW content, or smut a lot, etc. I mean blogs that aren't for RP and are literally just a normal looking blog until you click on it and the header and first twenty posts are hardcore nudity and porn. I hate those things.

⭐️ Shame my ships.

⭐️ Complain about my tagging. I put my smut under a 'read more' without exception and tag them as "NSFW //" with two dashes. Things that are not necessarily graphic but still have sexual undertones go under "Suggestive //". I use these tags to avoid attracting attention from porn blogs and porn bots that track certain key words, as such I do not tag my content with "Smut" or trigger words such as "dick, oral, anal, nudity, etc", please block my NSFW and Suggestive tags if you're uncomfortable. Triggery subjects (mentions of rape, animal abuse, torture, mental illness) will be tagged under the name of said trigger with a space and two dashes, example: "Self Harm //", “Suicidal Ideation //” or "PTSD //".

⭐️ Godmod my character. If you’re not sure what is/isn’t okay, come talk to me! I don’t bite! If you’re looking for an example of god mod behavior, here: “X lunged at Laurens, taking him by surprise, and hit him square in the nose, causing blood to spurt.” It might not seem like a big deal but it means that you decided how your character’s actions affected my muse, and not only that, didn’t give him a chance to dodge or anything. Not cool.

⭐️ Ship with me without permission (sending in shippy asks is A-Ok if you're interested in exploring a ship between our muses, I'm talking about things like claiming that our muses are in a relationship without discussing it with me, referencing dates or sexual acts that never happened, etc. I ship mainly with chemistry otherwise things get boring fast.

⭐️ Assume/act like our characters know each other/are closely connected (friends/family/lovers) if we've never discussed it unless it is established in canon/history. This especially goes for original characters. I'm open to Laurens forming deep relationships with OCs obviously, but those have to be developed in character, not just assumed from the first interaction.

⭐️ Attempt to roleplay with me if you are not a roleplay blog/or if you're just trying to RP as "yourself." I don't do Character X Reader imagines stuff. I don't RP with 'fan' accounts, only RP blogs. You can still send asks so long as you're not trying to initiate an RP scenario. For example, asking Laurens what his hobbies are, asking for a blessing etc? That's fine. Spamming me with different actions "you" are talking to Laurens is weird. Stop that. I will also not RP with blogs that claim to roleplay as real life people, such as Markiplier, that's super creepy. This does NOT apply to "historical fiction" roleplay (obviously since that's what this blog is), which is considered its own genre of literature. I'm talking about the above where people will 'roleplay' as real life, currently alive people like YouTube celebrities and ship them with their friends, even if they've made it clear that they're uncomfortable with it. 

⭐️ Get angry at me for doing something you don't like if you don't even have a rules page for me to go by. It's not fair; you can't expect your partners to just read your mind and magically know how you feel. If something bothers you let me know, I’ll make a note about it so I avoid it during our interactions!

⭐️ Use me as a meme resource blog without ever interacting with me. I don't require "reblog karma" for you to follow me, partners are more than welcome to reblog from me, but if we never interact and I just occasionally see you reblog fifteen posts from my meme tag and then disappear again I'm not gonna be happy. Go to the source or to an archived blog no longer getting notifications, please!

⭐️ Reblog my Meta/Headcanons. If they're from a different blog it's fine but the ones I've personally written are for MY portrayal of Laurens. I work hard on most of my stuff and I'd prefer if you didn't reblog it, not because you aren't allowed to have the same headcanon ideas as me, but because then it ends up getting liked or reblogged by lots of other people, spamming my notifications, etc.

OCs & Multimuses

I love OCs and multi-muse blogs (I have my own multimuse sideblog over at @historyremembers, which has other 18th century characters including the Hamilton children and some OCs), so feel free to interact! That being said, please have an about page of some sort on your blog. I can't follow back blogs that have absolutely no information available regarding their character(s). I don't RP with OC children of Laurens. This is nothing personal, but I'm fairly certain he was gay in real life and prefer to play him that way, and he only had one child - who he never even got to meet - in real life, so it just wouldn't make sense to me for him to have other kids running around unless he'd adopted some. If you're a multimuse, I may not follow you back if I'm only familiar with two of your muses if you have a blog of fifteen characters, simply because I'd prefer to keep my dash clean and only have characters/fandoms I'm familiar with on it. I'll still RP with you if you have a character I'm interested in! I just might not follow back if the majority of your characters I do not know, I apologize for this.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, congrats! I know it couldn’t be easy (my ADHD brain was frustrated trying to just write all this up) but it’s necessary so there’s not misunderstandings on what I am/am not willing to RP. I won’t ask for a password since I trust most people to have the courtesy to at least skim the rules of those they want to RP with. 

Have a nice day!

[squishyocalum]

Never {Four}

The darkness of my room was kept at bay by the golden christmas lights strung around my window seal. I was sitting at my desk attempting to work on this essay that honestly wasn’t that appealing to me. We were supposed to write about how our summer went and honestly what was I supposed to say? ‘My mom died not even a week after school started so my school year was shit and then my best friend kissed me and now we’re dating but not really because he won’t show any affection around other people’? Yeah that sounds like a fantastic paper. A knock sounded at my door snapping from my thoughts.

“Come in.”

My dad popped his head into my room with a worried look on his face.

“Pumpkin I’ve been texting you for the past twenty minutes to come down for dinner, are you okay?”

“Yeah, my phones off so i can focus on this stupid english paper.” I pushed my hand through my hair letting the side of my head rest in the palm of my hand. “I don’t think I want to eat, I’ll probably take a shower and just go to bed.”

“Okay well I ordered pizza, I’ll leave you some in the fridge in case you get hungry later tonight. I love you.”

“Thank you, I love you too.” He nodded his head and shut my door firmly. I could hear his footsteps as he descended down the stairs, then promptly decided to shut my laptop and go take a shower.

 I grabbed my phone and turned it on before I grabbed a towel from my closet and then underwear, shorts, and a band T - shirt from my dresser. My phone was still on DND so even if anyone had tried to contact me I wasn’t getting a notification for it. I pressed shuffle and ‘Millennia’ by Crown The Empire started to play through the speakers. I caught sight of multiple messages lining my screen, but being my stubborn self I chose to actively ignore them.

I finally stepped into the hot water and allowed it to cascade down my body. I stood there for at least ten minutes letting the annoyance and worry of the day fade away before I grabbed my shampoo and lathered it through my hair.

After rinsing my hair and conditioning it I put my ‘Apple Blossom’ body wash on my loofa and scrubbed my body. I felt tears begin to brim in my eyes as I rinsed myself off before turning the heat of the water up and sitting in the bottom of the tub; I pulled my knees to my chest and let tears fall down my face.

All I want right now is to talk to my mom, she would know what to do. She’s the reason I didn’t stop going to public school my sophomore year but she’s gone now, and I’m alone to figure this stuff out on my own.

After forty minutes I finally pulled myself from the shower and got dressed before brushing my teeth. I rubbed lotion on my body to keep my skin from drying and then turned off the light and made my way down to my bedroom. ‘Someone To Stay’ by Vancouver Sleep Clinic played quietly through my speakers as I approached my door. When I entered my bedroom I noticed someone sitting in my desk chair and I jumped slightly, ready to scream until I saw his face.

“Calum Thomas you scared the shit out of me!” I yelled in a hushed voice. He stood to his feet and made his way to me pulling me into a hug.

“What’s wrong baby?” He mumbled into the side of my neck as he rubbed circles in the small of my back. I hugged him back letting my head rest in his chest.

“I miss my mom.” That was only a half lie.

“So you’re not upset about what Arzaylea said in class?”

I pulled away from him and sighed.

“I mean yeah, it kind of upset me. It made me start thinking.”

“Thinking about what?”

“I mean, we do spend a lot of time together, and now that we’re together does that not make me look like a slut-”

He cut me off by reaching behind me and locking my door, he pulled me to sit with him on my bed.

“You are not a slut, Thalia. You are nowhere near being a slut.”

“Calum-”

“No, listen to me. You are the most amazing girl I have ever known. Let them talk, let them make up as many rumors as they want because I will be next to you the entire time; holding your hand and walking through it with you.”

He grabbed onto my hand and lifted it to his chest, I leaned down so my forehead was resting between his collar bones once again. We sat there for a moment in complete silence before I felt tears start to brim in my eyes.

“You know my mom liked you.” I whispered turning my face so my cheek was resting on his shoulder “She knew I liked you, and she used to cover for me when I would show up late after being with you guys.” He laughed at the information and looked down at me.

“Even that time that I wrecked my moms car and you had that cut on your forehead?”

“Yeah,” I pushed my way up my bed motioning for him to lay with me “She told my dad that she hit me with the door by accident.”

“He’s never going to like me is he?”

“He’s scared Calum, after what happened with Mali he just thinks-”

“That I’m a monster.”

I shot my head up to look at him, I sat up quickly and cupped his face with my hands.

“Baby no. You are not a monster, It was an accident. Everyone knows that.”

Tears were invading his soft brown eyes, he moved his hand up to mine and rubbed his thumb over it in a soothing motion.

“Thank you for always being such a good friend to me, such a good girlfriend.”

His words sent chills over my body. We have pet names for each other but I think I’ve only ever heard him refer to me as his girlfriend once or twice. It gave me a feeling like no other.

“Calum, I care about you so much,” I bowed my head feeling tears start to resurface “But I can’t go through that again.”

“What are you talking about? We just had this whole conversation about walking through this together-”

“You barely looked at me when we were around other people today, I mean you acted like it was a bad idea to touch me. So maybe it just isn’t the right time for us.”

“I thought you would want to keep the physical stuff to a minimum because of all the slut stuff. Didn’t you just say you thought it made you look like a slut?”

“A Minimum, Calum. Not cut off completely; this is going to be a hard week for me and I could have used your comfort. It made me start thinking that maybe this isn’t the best time for us to start a relationship.”

“What so you’re breaking up with me?”

“No, not necessarily. I just think that if you want to keep physical interaction low then we should keep the relationship low. That way we avoid any rumors.”

“Does this have anything to do with you being worried about your dad finding out about me?”

I hesitated for a split second but that gave him just enough time to jump right into his own conclusion. He stood up and ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Yeah, go get your scholarship and go to that college in washington. Go find someone who fits your mold-”

“Calum - no! No, please don’t take it like that!”

“Well that’s what you mean right? I mean come on, you’re dads never going to accept me, and you’re so caught up in the bullshit that people say about you that you’re too scared to let yourself be happy. So yeah, let’s distance ourselves.”

He backed away from me despite my efforts to pull him closer and it felt like my heart was breaking under the pressure of his cold stare. Hurt littered his eyes and I could see tears brimming on the edges of the dark orbs.

“Calum, no I just meant that for the time being, maybe it would be better if we didn’t spend so much time together.”

“There’s no one I would rather spend my time with, Thalia.” His voice broke off in his throat and it was my turn to let tears build behind my green eyes.

“I’m not saying we have to break up, Cal. We just shouldn’t always be on top of each other at school.”

Before I knew it he was standing by my window ready to disappear into the night, he looked back at me sadness overtaking his features before he shook his head and vanished.

“Please don’t go..” I whispered to myself, a piece of me hoping he heard me; but I stood in my room for several moments hoping he would come back but he never did. I know that I was being dramatic, in a sense, and I know that it could have been handled in a better way but words were never easy to come by when I was around him. Maybe it was my heart’s way of pushing him out before I could get hurt, but either way it was a mistake.

~~

The next few days dragged by like sandpaper on an open wound. Tuesday was awkward to say the least, everytime I would try to talk to Calum he would shrug me off with one word answers or short nods. The other boys picked up on the tension and that rubbed off and when Wednesday rolled around the boys didn’t even bother trying to talk to me, but the day that hit the hardest was Thursday. I walked into the school and upon noticing the group I approached them. I wasn’t met with the normal smiles and group hugs; instead I was hit in the face with sympathetic smiles and disinterested faces.

When Luke snapped at me for trying to integrate my way into the conversation I almost couldn’t believe what he had said to me.

‘Aren’t you supposed to be distancing yourself?’ The words stung but knowing that it was likely that Calum had went and told them what I said stung more. I looked to Calum who had an angry expression plastered on his face, I silently begged him to talk to moe but he just turned away leaning onto his locker. I felt out of place in the small circle for the first time in three and a half years, so I walked away and promptly re-lived the first day of my freshman year.

Today is Friday, the last day of this horrible week before I can lay in my bed for two full days and listen to ‘The Fray’ at high volume. Today also marks the one year anniversary of my mother’s death..

I was dressed in sweatpants and a ‘Bring Me The Horizon’ hoodie, my hair was tied into a sloppy bun and instead of my regular contacts my black rimmed glasses were set carelessly on my nose.

‘How to save a life’ was playing through my earbuds and there was an unbelievable sense of sadness looming around me. The halls of the school looked bleeker today and my mind kept running back to the memory of my mom pulling me into the school with a bright smile covering her face. She was so excited about me getting to start new, when she walked me into the gym she turned to me and laughed.

“I can’t wait to see you get that diploma.” She had said. Little did I know she was never going to see me walk across that stage. She would never see me off to college, she would never see me get married.

Sadly, however, I had the dissatisfaction of seeing her casket lowered into the ground before I got to enter the second week of my junior year.

It felt as if everyone was staring at me as I made my way to my locker, some would turn and whisper while others had sympathetic looks on their faces. It’s obvious people have noticed the tension between the guys and I, we’ve never gone more than a day without talking; and it’s been three days. I bowed my head and clutched the strap of my bag trying my hardest to avoid the stares, but when a hand grabbed mine pulling me from my thoughts I had no choice but to look up.

I met Ashton’s eyes and me heart fell slightly, I had hoped to see Calum; but I should’ve known my destructive spontaneous words weren’t being forgotten that easily.

“I wanted to give you this.” He smiled to me holding out a perfectly packaged red velvet cupcake. I smiled weakly at him and took it out of his hands.

“Thanks.” I turned to walk away but was once again stopped by his hand.

“Luke didn’t mean what he said the other day, you know him and Cal are just close so when he came over that night and told us what you said it got him all riled up.”

“I deserved it, it’s fine.” I found myself unable to meet his eyes in fear that I might start crying in the middle of the hallway.

“I know today’s a rough day for you Tallie,” He reached up to push his light brown curls from his forehead “I was thinking maybe you could come with us for lunch-”

“Not today Ash.” My words caught in my throat when I looked up at him and saw the hope in his eyes turn to hurt “Just not today.”

I turned away and this time he let me walk away, I saw the other boys gathered around Michaels locker, and despite the fact that Calum met my eyes we didn’t speak to each other.

The classes of the day dragged by boringly, per usual. Without Calum to talk to there was nothing that seemed interesting. Throughout the day, my mind wandered to inside jokes that I would usually share with the guys, but with no one of interest to me I kept them to myself.

When Phycology rolled around I perked up a little bit, the teacher had turned out to be a rather hilarious comedian; and it was my last class of the day.

“Good afternoon class, I hope you’re all having a wonderful day.” Mr. Rogers beamed as he walked through the door. I could hear Arzaylea behind me making her normal snide comments, some of them were more out of pocket than usual. “Thalia, you’re looking awfully glum today, care to share your thoughts?”

Before I could even open my mouth Arzaylea’s voice spoke up.

“Calum and the guys dumped her.” She snickered, when I looked back at her she had a mock pout plastered on her face, my eyes flickered to Michael who only fidgeted in his seat. I didn’t even have the energy to clap back at her so I turned back around and shook my head before resting my forehead on my arms. Class carried on and my ears picked up on several things that Arzaylea was saying, if I thought Audrey did damage to my image I can’t even imagine what this walking bundle of gossip is going to be able to do.

“Is it true she has the clap, Mikey?” I heard her giggle

“Would you get a fucking life.” He groaned, making it a point to avoid the conversation.

After that I reached into my bag and pulled out my earbuds, I saw Mr. Rogers look to me but he didn’t say anything. I let the music flow through my ears for the remaining twenty minutes of class, and when the bell finally rang, I grabbed my bag quickly making my way out of the door. I didn’t get far though seeing as how Arzaylea jumped in front of me with a mischievous glint in her eyes. I pulled my earbuds out and stood my ground, annoyance finally bubbling over in my mind.

“This is pathetic really, sweetheart. I mean come on; you had to know they would drop you eventually-”

“They didn’t drop me.” I blurted suddenly pulling a laugh from her. I thought back to the day I confronted Audrey and for a split second I had to remind myself that hitting this girl wasn’t an option.

“Yeah, they did. And you’re all twisted up because your mom isn’t here. I mean come on what are you seven?”

“I would watch your fucking mouth-”

“What are you gonna do, Thalia? You gonna sick Calum on me? Maybe Ashton?” She lowered her eyes at me and for the first time since the conversation started I noticed how many people were watching, maybe it was an option to hit her. “Awe, are you gonna go call your mom?”

It was like something snapped in me and I shifted my books to my left arm and slapped the shit out of her. She pressed her hand to her cheek, rubbing it softly before she spit her next set of words at me. The ones that cut the deepest.

“Your moms lucky she killed herself before she had to see what a slut you were-”

I was on top of her then throwing punch after punch, tears were streaming down my face and I’m almost positive I was screaming at her.

However, all of that is a blur.

I felt two arms wrap around my waist, and when they spun me around to try to wrap me in a hug I saw Calulm staring down at me which only made me angrier. I pushed and pulled to get out of his grip but he held on.

“Thalia, you could lose your scholarship, calm down. Breathe.” He spoke in the most soothing voice he could muster. “You’re better than this.”

I stilled in his arms and looked up at him, anger overcoming all of my senses. I shoved him one last time breaking out of his arms.

“Don’t talk to me like you give a shit.” I spat grabbing my things from the floor and all but running to the front of the school. I finally got to my car, but my keys weren’t secured to the strap of my bag as usual so I had to scramble through my bag to find them.

“Thalia, damnit will you just talk to me!” He yelled, catching up to me in the parking lot.

“About what! I said we need to distance ourselves not stop talking completely! This is the hardest week I’ve had since she died and I needed you guys, but you took everything so wrong-” I furiously wiped tears from under my eyes and moved to unlock my car “Just leave me alone, Calum.”

“Princess I didn’t mean to hurt-”

“Would you just fuck off? You left so easy the other night, when I wanted you to stay so why the hell is it so hard now?” I turned abruptly to look at him and noticed him step back slightly.

“Because I love you.” He mumbled staring down at his hands. I looked up at him in awe turning my back on my car and swimming around my mind to find the words to respond. He shook his head and grabbed my hands trying his best to keep his distance. “Yeah, I took it the wrong way and I should have stayed to listen to you but my ego got in the way and-”

“And you turned the only other friends I had against me.”

“If it makes you feel any better Ashton right hooked the shit out of me last night.” He gestured to a bruise on the side of his face and out of instinct I reached for it and rubbed it softly with the pad of my thumb. “He told me I was acting like a ten year old, and he’s right. I shouldn’t have let you go through this alone.”

He was closer to me now, most likely taking my gesture as a go ahead to advance. His hand was resting gently on my jaw and his fingers were dancing around the baby hairs falling around the nape of my neck.

“We have to talk to each other Calum, we have to listen to each other or this won’t ever work. I got ahead of myself and I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”

“Do you have anything planned with your dad tonight?”

“He told me he was working overtime tonight, I guess it’s his way of coping with the situation.”

“Do you want to come with the guys and I tonight? We can try to keep your mind off of everything.”

I didn’t say yes on instinct like I would have usually because I was genuinely conflicted, I wanted to go hang out with them and it would probably be better for me to not be alone tonight; but if I was going to be met with the same attitude from the guys as the past few days then it just wasn’t something I could handle.

“I don’t know Calum, I don’t want to intrude-”

“You’re not intruding if you’re invited princess. Plus you’re never intruding with us.”

I looked down at my hands and twirled my keys around my fingers before I shook my head, and connected my watery eyes with his.

“If all it took was you being sad to turn Luke and Micheal against me then they were never really my friends to begin with. I cannot deal with any more of that stuff, not today of all days.”

“Luke didn’t mean what he said-”

“Okay for one, it doesn’t matter because Ashtons the only one who said anything friendly to me for the past few days, and for two, I really need to go because I’m in a hoodie and it’s hot as shit out here.” I opened my door and reached over my steering wheel to start the car “I’ll talk to you later, okay? I promise.”

He stood outside my car window as I buckled myself in, but before I could drive off I rolled my window down at gestured for him to lean in. I rested my palm on the side of his face and pulled him into a short kiss. When we pulled away from each other I smiled up at him.

“I love you too, Cal.” I rolled up my window and couldn’t help but laugh at the bewildered but happy look plastered on his face as I drove away.

For a second I wasn’t thinking about my mom, or about the other guys, or even about the fact that I just beat the shit out of the all mighty Arzaylea. My mind was stuck on Calum and the way he made me feel, it was here in my car en route to my house that I decided it was time to start living for me.

[pixiespeaks]

9.30

Sorry I haven’t posted in a little while. I’m mostly making a post today to provide updates and to write out some stuff so I don’t forget to bring it up to my therapist Tuesday.

I’m trying to work on my ADHD tendencies. Mainly the forgetfulness. But also the object permanence. I’ve started setting more reminders for myself on my phone so I don’t forget things. It’s been helpful for stuff that I would’ve probably written down and been like uh… but the downside is that it’s making me more reliable on checking my phone at weird periods of time.

I’ve also started implementing iOS 15’s focus feature. For Apple users my status will display to them as my having notifications muted. So they will know that if they message me, I’m not ignoring them. For android users, this means calls and notifications dnd. Which is ideal for me not getting interrupted during work hours. Because my main focus is on my job, and if I’m on the phone and my cellphone goes off I’ll get distracted by whoever is calling me. Doesn’t mean I don’t wanna talk to you, because I do. My brain is just going to get distracted by the message or the call and I won’t be able to give attention to my job, if I’m on emails, it’s fine. I can pause for a second if it’s a light day to answer or reply. Im also trying to remind myself to check my texts more frequently, so hopefully I won’t forget to reply to people.

Im also trying to come up with ways to help with the object permanence. The current idea I had is to designate a block of time on Thursdays or Friday to just call everyone and talk to them for a few minutes. So they know I’m thinking about them. Usually when the thought pops up, it’s late and I’m like I’ll call em tomorrow. Tomorrow rolls around and I’ve forgotten already. It’s an endless cycle of forgetting things I intend to do.

My normal day to day is a bit more weird than it has been. Mon-friday, Austin isn’t here during the day. So the house is extremely quiet and my only communication is the cats or my coworkers. I asked my therapist about how I can try to put myself out there more to make friends or try to strengthen my current friendships more because it’s hard for me to hang out with people because I work nights and I don’t have a single weekend day off and everyone else I know does. She recommended trying to make neurodivergent friends or go to some sort of meeting or get together either for ADHD peeps or like a hobby class and make friends through that. I have no clue how to talk to people anymore. The benefit of texting is I can give my brain time to come up with something to talk about or give my brain time to process what’s being said before I reply. It’s a bit more difficult in person lol, you could probably see the buffering symbol above my head while I’m trying to think. Meanwhile the other person is just staring at me like 😳 because I’m not saying anything or it’s awkward silence.

The closer the wedding gets the more I’m focused on trying to make sure I have everything for it. My appointment for my alterations is next Friday. I need to make my hair appointment soon. I gotta get my bridesmaid gifts done. I gotta finish buying the stuff for the wedding. I gotta get my accessories (shoes, whatever jewelry, whatever hair thing), I need to finalize the ceremony music and the reception music, we need to get our marriage stuff from the state, I need to figure out who can man a phone or a laptop to stream it, gotta get stuff for the bachelorette thing. Just a never ending list and I’m still staring at my fall decor like I DONT HAVE ENOUGH!!!!!1111.

I’m incredibly hyper focused on making sure everything is squared away with that, that I’m forgetting other stuff I have to do or should do. And I’m just like AAAAAAAAAAAAA. Like I’m sure there’s still stuff I’ve forgotten and then the wedding is gunna come and I’m gunna be like SHIT I FORGOT THIS THING FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I’m also panicking because the RSVP’s haven’t all rolled in. I sent out tons of invites and have only received a few responses. I’ve got until October 15th to get a total head count so I can give the final number to the caterer and I’m worried that people either won’t reply or just aren’t going to come.

[rili-trying-blog]

June 25, 2018: To productivity

I want to list out the things I have accomplished this month and things I want to accomplish as half of the year approaches, as 2018 quickly ends. Things I have accomplished this month: 1. I have picked up Welcome to Nightvale once again. Currently finished the first four episodes. It’s nice to hear Cecil’s voice again, gushing over Carlos’ perfect hair. 2. I have picked up Dungeons and Dragons! We’re going through Storm King’s Thunder(?). I’m playing as a winged tiefling warlock named Rain. So far, I’m having the best time with the best people. Though it has wrecked my sleeping schedule. 3. I have picked up Stardew Valley. I played for a few hours, feeling utterly lost on what to do. I have now consulted the internet and will start over again this week. 4. I have picked up Doki Doki Literature Club and have been streaming with dnd friends. So far, uhm, I think I’m enjoying it. Let’s see. 5. I have started a journal, putting in movie tickets, schedules, to-do lists. Tasks that I’d rather not put in here in detail. 6. I have started using some of my stickers and the washi tape I bought. Finally got the courage to do it. I hope I don’t get too scared to use it in my journal. I bought them for sticking it, not for them to lie around the cabinet. 7. I picked up astrology with a friend. We’re slowly educating ourselves through twitter. Currently writing a paper on it for class. I only have a Virgo in Mars, please. The list is me trying to be organized, not me being organized. If that makes any sense. 8. I have watched six movies this month! Four in cinemas, two movies worthy of listing on my laptop. I might post my thoughts on them soon. Maybe I’ll do it after the movie we’re going to watch on Thursday. 9. I have unfollowed everyone on Facebook, except art accounts, local cinemas, Rappler, and Ted Talks. So far, so good. I also deleted my Twitter app, but I found a loophole. I’ll try reducing more time on that soon. 10. I bought a desk lamp and a watch. Expensive. But I used my own money and have been using both of them diligently. Things I want to accomplish before the month ends: 1. Watch a 7th movie. 2. Build a silo in Stardew Valley. 3. Reach ep. 10 for wtnv. 4. Finish Every Soul a Star. 5. Finish inquiry paper draft by tomorrow. Or at least have an outline. 6. Wake up at 6. Sleep by 11-12. Have 6-8 hours of sleep. 7. Clear out 1 hour for studying. 15 minutes of working out. Eat on time. 15 mins. of decluttering every day. 8. Focus more. One thing at a time. 9. Do a “notes for July” and movie reviews. 10. Sweep the room. That’s it! 10 each. Hopefully, I won’t feel too overwhelmed. Again, inbox? Open. I’m here to talk. :) Talk to you soon.  - Rili, trying her best.