#I don't even think therapy will help me though honest to god

[z00r0p4]

Been progressively getting more depressed and weepy on a daily basis about the hopelessness and meaningless of my life n situation n just today realized "oh it's because I go back to school on monday" and I associate school with pain because the seats are always fucking horrible and I always have to do sooo much work and coordination with accommodations, and I have a 3 hour long class this semester that I have to take in order to graduate with my minor and I cannot sit almost anywhere for that fucking long given my health problems. So I'm going to have to probably talk to this professor and beg them to let me stream in-- which will probably not work. My spanish class is in a room with god awful seating. I have one class more than I usually do and even though its a 1 credit class it's still another hour I have to spend in pain.

So all that said, my brain is apparently so traumatized by how awful my pain has gotten in the last 2 years that it's basically triggered by just. school. Probably need some sort of cptsd diagnosis. And lots of therapy. idk guys. I hope I can actually make it to my graduation.

[1-ker0sene-1]

God your blog is fucking SCRUMPTIOUS. If you’re willing could you do something with a reader who has POTS? Much love ❤️

{Thank you so much ♥️ Apologies this took so long! Requests are starting to come out again! I lost all my drafts due to my laptop breaking and had to rewrite 🥹}

Gaz

Honest to god. This man would probably be the absolute best partner for someone with POTS. Whether he was there for your diagnosis or you already had it when you started dating, he wants to help and accommodate the best he can. Kyle would hate for you to feel isolated, trying to match and normalize your routine so you're not alone.

Definitely got you both massive water bottles, the ones that have at the very least sixty ounces. So you can keep drinking and sipping all day and stay hydrated. If you don't feel comfortable going out to a physical therapist? Kyle is researching ALL night how to do gentle therapy at home with you.

Taking care of you is second nature to him. He's constantly thinking about you. When he leaves for deployment he has small meals already prepped in the fridge for you, cleaned the whole house.. leaves sweet notes all over the place reminding you to drink water, get some electrolytes, cool off and get plenty of rest.

"I'll be home soon baby ~K"

"Don't forget to drink your water! Love you pretty girl ~K"

"Rest for me lovie, we'll be doing plenty of 'exercise' when I get back ;) ~K"

Price

Prepared. That is what John is. He wants to be ready if you have a bad day, so he can pamper you as much as he physically can if he cannot immediately whisk away your pain. John definitely moves fast in a relationship, especially if he feels an immediate connection. You're telling him he can take care of you? Of course it's not that he likes that you struggle with the condition, but his love language is definitely acts of service.

" 's no trouble love, house feels empty when you aren't in it anyways. Might as well just stay full time."

You're moving in. He's installing a nice and sturdy shower bench, he's got snacks all around the house for you, he's mixing electrolyte powder in your water. John wants you to thrive more than anything, you're his girl, going to be his wife one day. He still wants you to feel and be independent, if you need he'll go with you to get a mobility aid so you can comfortably go out more.

He's set in his military ways so.. He's somewhat blunt with scheduling. Little reminders all day to drink your water with a kiss to your forehead. When you go out together, he's stashed some instant cold packs and little salt packets in your bag. John often lifts your hand to check your BPM tracker, once he's done he'll kiss your knuckles.

"Look at that darlin' .. Takin' care of yourself so well for me."

Soap

Johnny had quite the habit of being a bit lazy when home from deployment. But then you wandered into his life, he didn't know about your POTS at first. Just figured you also had a busy life and preferred nights in for dates. Then you got more serious in your relationship and opened up to him about your condition. It was an immediate flip of a switch, Johnny became your Johnny.

He wants you to be able to spend your energy doing the things you love, not the simple tasks, especially when he can take care of it. You practically gained a Scottish housewife. He'll shoo you softly away from the dishes, insisting you enjoy your hobbies or rest up so you two can have a nice day out. Laundry, cleaning, making the bed. Bathing you even though you're perfectly capable, definitely not to touch you and get a little handsy-

"I can take care of ye bonnie.. believe me tha more I do the more I fall for ye."

Would say the only somewhat struggle, is overheating at night. Cause you cannot tell me this man doesn't run hot like a heater. And he loves to love you, hold you, touch and feel you. But there's work arounds, a nice AC, and cooling blankets. Besides he sleeps like a rock so once he's out, if you get too hot you can give him a little push off you. Rarely he'll wake up and drawl out whines.

"..miss ye lass.. my arms are useless without ye in them.."

Ghost

Simon never thought of himself as a worrier. He's been through hell and back and not much phases him. But the first time he saw you faint nearly sent him to an early grave, threw whatever was in his hands to dart over to catch you. This was definitely before he really started to understand the seriousness of POTS. Now it's constantly on his mind, especially the moments in the day when he's not right there with you.

He doesn't want you to feel guilty about his panic, so he's pretty stoic and calm when face to face with you. Definitely goes in with you to every doctor's appointment now, asks questions, how he can help, what to do during your flare ups. You best believe he is taking everything your doctor suggests to heart. Buying you a BPM monitor, knowing Simon he'll probably figure a way to connect it to his phone. So even when he's not with you he knows a little about how you're doing. Statistically it's his most used app now. Once in a while you get a blunt-

"Go rest."

-text from Simon as soon as it gets too high for his liking.

Simon is very adamant that you take plenty of breaks throughout the day, if you're overexerting yourself he's right there with you. An arm winding around you, kissing the nape of your neck after gently brushing your hair aside.

"How you feelin' doll? Let's get you some water and we'll take a break for a while yeah? Put on that show you like and I'll take care of this.."

[jar-of-maise]

fontaine archon quest, furina story quest spoilers + brainrot

so after doing the 4.2 quest, i have to say that i really dislike the characterisation of the Traveller and Paimon. Obviously, there's a emotional appeal for the audience to see Furina's suffering but I don't like how we basically manipulate her, decieve her and then harass her straight after the main plot? Like girly says she doesn't want to return to acting and what do our beloved MC's do? Harass her until she agrees.

coming from a story writer's perspective, i can see how the story was done to further...idk character development but to be completely honest, i would have loved it if Furina died in the end, or even disliked the Traveller. Eitherway, I think that the reconciliation arc was so abrupt and quick for my liking. Of course, the question could always become, "if not now then when?" And my answer to that is, realistic forgiveness and closure is rarely present in real life. Yes, the game is fantasy and does not have to conform to reality but I can't help thinking that some depth has been missed/could've been added.

Furina doesn't get enough credit for her work - and maybe the tragedy and point of the quest was to highlight that. But like, I have to say the way everyone treated her during her trial (okay, I know, no one knew anything about shit at the time just let me rant), and worse, after the conclusion of the archon quest had me raging ngl.

Can you imagine playing this tortuous role for basically 500 years, staking your every hope upon a plan plotted by a "mirror you" you've only met once and never again? Not to mention that it might be all for naught?

And then the people you are trying to save isolateand ostracize you? You're tricked and fooled until the very "hope" you wish to maintain (the act) is basically destroyed? And when you've begun to finally find respite, you're forced back onto the stage and made fun of, called poor and mocked for ... not having a personality because you've been playing as someone else? Like, Traveller has their therapy, "makes character's better" moments but this was not one of them.

At the same time though, it makes the Traveller more realistic, which I can appreciate. They want answers, and the continuous theme of, "Archons not knowing jackshit or running away" is tiring. But like, you would have also thought that it could be a point of sympathy not just, making someone suffer????

Hello???

But Traveller and Paimon's extremely irritating actions aside, I can see it from everyone else's POV - that is, Fontaine is literally about to go under, and that for 500+ years the "god" they worship has been saying, "trust me," but hasn't done (in the eyes of the people) anything.

so idk, the archon quest makes me feel very conflicted, and honestly good for hoyoverse. but man, furina was quite literally dealt one of the worst cards to date.

TLDR; i rant about furina and how she deserved better but that tbf i would also be very confused if all i knew was a bratty archon doing nothing (seemingly) for the nation but....also, the injustice and unfair treatment furina got AFTER the archon quest - i could write a full essay about her character deadass x_x

[feiandart]

Hi Fei, not sure if this message becomes public or not but I couldn't find any other way to contact you. Just wanted to apologise for my comment on chapter 35. I realise in retrospect it might have seemed rude, I was trying to be funny. So, I'm very sorry, and I don't want you to think I didn't enjoy the chapter. I have deleted the comment. If I may take this chance as well, you have been an inspiration to me, I love your writing. I am too an aspiring writer that took a sabbatical for many years, though my self doubt is my biggest saboteur right now. I would love to know how you honed your craft, your words are so beautifully written. I look forward to the next chapter ♥

First of all, hello and thank you for reaching out to me! ♥

I'm afraid my memory doesn't work properly (it never does, sadly), but I'm pretty sure no comment made me think "oh, that was rude", so don't worry at all ♥ Gonna admit now I'm curious 'bout what that was owo But I will not ask for you to share that again if it makes you feel uncomfortable!

Your words means a lot to me! ♥ I had inspiration issues for half of my life. I was around fifteen when I wrote my last paragraph, and after that I didn't for other fifteen years. Honest to God, Good Omens and its community saved me in more than a way when I was at my lowest - helped me both with coming back at writing, and starting drawing for myself. I startend enjoying things again. And I needed that. So, since finding inspiration again was so meaningful to me, being able to inspire others is like I achieved something so big I can't really find words to express it properly. It makes me feel kinda... Oh, dunno. I guess we can go with: blessed. Finding inspiration was (and is) an healing process to me. And I hope it'll be the same to others. So if it came to me, I can only be SO glad to know!! So thank you so much for sharing this!! ♥

Let me tell you this: I am my biggest saboteur myself. So I do understand what you say, and I can guess what you feel right now. My suggestion is something practical. Go in front of the mirror, tell yourself what you want to do and look straight into your eyes. Then, say: "I will do it. And you will NOT stop me." Then say the same to all the people who might go against you. Nobody, not even yourself, should have the power to stop you from doing the things you love. It may be hard at the very start, troublesome meanwhile, but I can assure you nothing's better than being able to live your dreams. All I can do for you now is assuring you I am on your side! And I am sure you can do whatever makes you feel happy.

Last, but not least (dear Lord I wrote so much and I'm not done yet.......), your last question. Funny thing to answer that one, actually. 'cause I never practiced. I never studied a way to arrange phrases and words, actually right now I'm always a bit overwhelmed anytime I sit myself in front of the screen and open my file to start writing. I'll tell you, I'm the messiest people in the entire universe. I had all the plot already written back in november, but yet my characters slip off my hands and do whatever they want. Does it makes any sense to you? I have to costantly re-arrange my plot to make sure everything have some kind of logic. The rest come from my own mind. Sugar, specifically, means a lot to me under a lot of different aspects. Both characters holds part of myself, my own traumas, my own experiences, my own mazes and struggles. I think maybe sometimes things went when I didn't want them to go 'cause my mind played dirty on me and I was unable to stop it. But I don't complain. So I'm afraid I don't have a real answer but this one: I just put myself into every single word I write. I play all the scenes in my mind just like watching movies. I feel what my characters does and, I will not deny this, oftern I cry while doing that too. I'm a bit too much emphatic, perhaps?

Gonna admit, writing Sugar is exactly like going to therapy to me. Goes just along with that, it helps me process myself, my own emotions, helps me validate anything bad I've ever felt.

Well uh, I got pretty carried away with this answer but I hope you can find something helpful around all of these messy words of mine ♥ (And sorry for my poor english if I made some mistake here and there, I fully believe in honest-to-God messages when it comes to answer people, both in comments, chat or anywhere else, so I never actually go back trying to correct my messages. Dunno, it feels like leaving you all full access to my stream of consciousness everytime I give answers like these. Not sure this makes sense. To me it does.)

Don't ever ever be afraid to tell me what you think or reach out! I'll always be here, happy to give you an answer. Thank you so much! ♥

[sassysnowperson]

Hades 2 (occasionally) Toxic Yuri Shipping Tier List

Anyone who knows the Hades series knows it's for The Bisexuals, but anyone who has played Hades 2 knows it Loves Women. And considering that love, I think we should talk about the F/F shipping options for our protagonist, with the characters we've seen this far.

(spoilers Abound! And I've avoided blood family members [probably, it's greek myth so who knows really] partially due to personal preference, partially because I didn't want to type that much and it was an easy cut)

I know. I know! I have trash rarepair shipping opinions, but lets get into it:

Nope

Melinoë/Nemesis - I KNOW. The F/F relationship set up to be the canon romance! The Hot Stronk Lady with thighs that could crush you! Size Difference! I KNOW. But Nemesis is just. No. Someone described her as petulant and that felt right. She's sulky, she's got her own issues, she's taking it out on you. It wouldn't be enemies to lovers, it'd be fucking that person you're in a group project with who hates group projects and decides to go off and do their own thing while actively sabotaging you even though you have a shared fucking grade and DON'T MAKE YOUR ISSUES MY PROBLEM TO FIX, NEMESIS.

Not for me, but I see it (aka the kink bracket)

Melinoë/Circe: While Circe's outward persona is a little too syrupy for me, I fully admit that sex with someone who can make you bigger or smaller (or an animal, though as far as we know Melinoë hasn't ticked her off that much) has some FAB kink potential. *chefkiss*

Melinoë/Hecate: Melinoë wants praise, Hecate wants her to stop thinking of her like a mother. Let's have sex about it! Also. Abs. I mean come on ABS.

Melinoë/Scylla: Tentacles. And you can't tell me Scylla doesn't want to have sex with (someone she thinks is) a groupie.

Cute

Melinoë/Echo: Echo deserves hot rebound sex, Melinoë could use a break after the grimness of the mourning fields. I definitely see this one as a FWB situation, heavy on the mutual benefit. And having sex with someone made out of stone is. it has potential.

Melinoë/Arachne: She got fucked over by the gods, now she gets to fuck a god! I don't think I have the right kinks to really get into the sex here, but I'll just say bondage and leave it at that. But I'm fascinated by the chemistry between them. Arachne in the game is adorable, but she's also a character that really highlights injustice, and breaks through some of Melinoë's naivete about the supposed "good"-ness of her Olympian relatives. She strikes me as someone who is Very Angry but has also gone to a lot of therapy about it, and actually has a pretty good handle on her values and is carefully choosing her actions in line with that. There's something interesting there.

Melinoë/Selene: To be totally honest, this one almost went in nope, but I liked the comedy of having Nemesis hanging out there by herself too much. I just don't see a lot of chemistry. But, thinking about why, I realize that Selene is very kind and supportive, and helpful, and a little distant. So is Melinoë. They'd both need to put in a lot of work to connect emotionally, instead of believing the things they do for each other are enough. And I think there's a very interesting story in that. Well done, Selene, you've earned your place in the cute bracket.

Hot

Melinoë/Dora: Dora's the most low-stakes friend Melinoë's got. She doesn't care if Mel saves the world, she just wants to hang out and chill. Mel desperately needs that energy in her life. This is, genuinely, the F/F ship I think would be best for Melinoë's long-term mental health. She needs to let go of the idea that she's only useful for the things she does, and she needs to know how to have fun. Also, ghost sex could be very hot, you know?

Melinoë/Medea: Despite what I said about Dora, this is the HOT bracket, not the healthy or good for you bracket. And evil witch that's on your side with a taste for vengeance and a titty window is HOT. Do I think it's good? No! Do I think that Medea can effortlessly give Melinoë five orgasms in a row and leave Melinoë so mindblown that she forgets she's an anxious perfectionist mess for five seconds? Yes! And then Medea can curse her enemies and send Melinoë on her way. Melinoë is pretty sure she should have some emotions about this but is too fucked out to manage any.

Melinoë/Eris: The trash ship that got me to write this whole bracket in the first place. Eris. Brat who REGULARLY SHOOTS ME WITH THE GUN SHE STOLE FROM MY BROTHER ERIS. Whyyyy do I have so many feelings about Eris??? Well, maybe because here's the enemies to lovers that actually feels earned. Melinoë is an anxious do-gooder who has been raised by people that both love her tremendously and have (accidentally) trained her to view her value primarily in her utility. Eris is the scapegoat youngest child who has ADHD in the sort of way that comes with Fuck You demand avoidance and is out on her own for the first time, making mistakes and happy in them. I think they should have a fantastically toxic and doomed fling now (the immortal equivalent of undergrand college student age) and then come back together in the immortal equivilant of their late thirties once Eris learns that personal satisfaction can come in ways that don't harm other people and Melinoë learns that her own joy is a thing worth striving for along with her other goals. They admit that they learned a lot from each other, laugh about how stupid they were when they were young, brunch just to "catch up", and then eight hours and nine orgasms later they admit they never really got over each other and decide to give it another shot. Do you see my vision? Do you see it???

(thanks to it'snowonder's Hades 2 All Characters Tier List for the rankings image)

[nerdygaymormon]

This conference was really hard for me and I'm relieved to know I'm not alone. Pres Nelson and Oaks' talks really made me reevaluate my place in the church and whether or not I want to be here anymore as a queer person. It just feels like everyone just wants us to leave so they can go on pretending the plan of salvation isn't presented in a way that writes out lgbtq people and does so cheerfully.

I also suffer from an eating disorder and when I tried to explain to my older sister in her late twenties that what president nelson said was hurtful, she told me that "well if food is your god, then you are offending the lord because it should just be Jesus. addiction is when something replaces god for you" which made me feel really discouraged and ashamed. Even though I know having an addiction isn't like that logically it still stung. I don't know. Basically I just want to say thanks for being honest about conference because I can't be at home. You're words have brought me a lot of comfort.

Back in the day I used to read blogs of queer Mormons, and they usually followed a similar arc. They were newly home from their mission and then had to grapple with the fact their queerness didn't go away. Things would start very faithful with a commitment to always be an active member, and would progress to them being more critical of the church and then no more entries.

Those blogs meant a lot to me because there was someone like me, but their story wasn't the same as mine.

When I started this blog, one of my goals was to write honestly about what it's like to exist in this space. I thought that one day historians would be interested in what it was like to be a queer person living through this period of LDS history. What did queer people at that time think, feel, and experience? What surprised me is that some currently-living people were interested in what I share.

It's always tempting to put a positive spin on things, to present myself in the best light, like I have everything figured out, but that's not reality. Sharing about being suicidal, crying about how hard therapy was for my social anxiety, my experience with reparative therapy, and how I was hurt by something said in General Conference are very much a part of this experience of being a queer Latter-day Saint, that's why I write about them in my blog.

Sometimes I worry I'm being too raw, too open, too negative, that I share too much. Your message is a good reminder that it's important to be honest so that we can see we aren't alone. Our stories have power! The power to help each other and the power to change the hearts of others.

———————————————————

I'm sorry you don't have family who you can talk to about these things. I don't either. Having a few close friends I can message about hard things is important to me and I hope you have some in your life.

———————————————————

What was said about eternal marriage isn't new, and I've built up some callouses to it, but to have it emphasized like it was in General Conference still hurts, especially how President Nelson linked queerphobic statements with "think Celestial."

Calling people sinners because they deal with mental health issues, like eating disorders, was unexpected and pierced me as I hadn't built up my guard against such rhetoric. Since I shared my reaction on social media, I've received many comments like your sister's.

President Nelson was a heart surgeon. Would he believe that people with heart issues were offending God, that they were worshiping their heart problem instead of God? What the heck?!! It doesn't make sense. Many people dealing with hard things turn to God for help.

I'm pretty sure God wants to help heal us. I don't think our personal trials offend Him. If anything, He hurts with us and for us. Jesus invites healing, not shame.

These "addictions" that President Nelson attacked are ways a person's mind and body try to cope with hard things. My mental health challenges come from being a queer Latter-day Saint and are ways my body & mind have coped with the emotional trauma and dissonance. So many queer folks have eating disorders and anxiety disorders. I'm glad our bodies protect us from worse consequences, but it sucks that this is a common result for queer people who try to be religious. Most non-queer members don't recognize there is a high cost to be paid by us, and I want them to know these are the fruits of the anti-queer teachings and policies

Please know you are loved. There is an online community of queer Mormons who know what you're feeling and who are pulling for you. If you need help, there are resources

please visit these if you are queer and need help:

Only to age 24: @trevorproject@utahtrevorproject (Utah) @encircletogether (Utah)

In Utah: @flourishtherapyinc @celebratetherapy

Active LDS: @liftandloveorg (national&online)

National: @glaad @988lifeline (involves law enforcement)

[mellotronmkll]

I feel so bad rn cos i feel so bad for my dad because he's going through some pretty hard stuff rn which I will not get into but it just sucks its very sad and i know its bringing up a lot of past trauma for him and i just feel his sadness so keenly because it's crazy too because we are both so so similar like I'm So much like him but I kind of never realized it growing up and we never talked about it until recently but like. Just the way our brains work and our social difficulties struggling with friendships and insecurities and stuff and idk but we have been talking about it a lot more since he started going to therapy and I started to get more open with my parents about a lot of stuff i was keeping quiet but anyways its like. We share a lot of sadness and shame lol i dont know and the main thing is we both are so withdrawn and always withdraw further into ourselves when things get bad but we both are trying to stop doing that and so I'm trying so hard to reach out to him and connect with him more like 1 on 1 and he is too and it's so frustrating to me that we don't live in the same house anymore. Because like I just talked to him on the phone for over an hour and it was so nice and I can tell he really needed it and like we have our family dnd session on Monday and he kind of shyly asked if we could just both get on the call before the rest of the family shows up to just talk about music and stuff for an hour or something beforehand and I was just like YES of course but likeyeah I don't know it's so frustrating because I just want to go and give him a hug and spend time with him because we both desperately need it but he lives 8 hours away and the most frustrating thing is thinking about how when I Did live with him and also during my 20s after I move out we didn't really connect like this because dumb things got in the way like me being a teenager and him being repressed and weird about talking about his emotions and being vulnerable and now that we actually both can be completely honest with eachother it's INSANE how much our feelings mirror eachothers and how much we can relate to eachother and its just like. If only we had done this sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But there's no time like the present but now I live so far away. And honestly I just feel like I took him for granted earlier in my life but also he needed to work on himself too and so did I so I dont know. But also he was as far as dads go a really extremely good father and I tell him that but when I was a teenager I was definitely making him feel I hated him and I wish I could Truly express just how much I actually am grateful and proud of him and forgive him for everything that I ever was angry about and anything he ever fucked up lol. But it's crazy to think how like earlier in my life I was horribly selfish and I was busy and stuff and I still thought of my parents as My Parents instead of you know real people on some level subconsciously..and back then I probably wouldn't have registered or noticed as much when he was struggling with things like he is now but now it hurts me So much to just only be able to call him and try to let him know he's not alone but I know from experience that even though that helps. Like I Know how bad it can get because I feel it too and we are the same. And just. Oh my god man getting older is so crazy and sad! Honestly! And its just gonna keep happening and thats the scariest thing. but anyways

[trying414]

Maribat Prompt

This was titled post-idea, and i literally just copy-pasted my note, so thats why theres the crying prompt thing at the bottom.

Also, none of this is meant to be offensive or anything. I wholly support all genders/sexualities. And I'm pro-choice. So if this is offensive, I'm so sorry, and please let me know (gently, im sensitive) so I can try to correct myself ❤️

Damian ladybug, Marinette black cat

"Father, I have acquired a kitten. I'm keeping her. She's MINE." (Stake his claim so no adoption occurs. But also the kitten joke because he loves animals.)

"Holy shit, it's hereditary." (I've definitely seen this line with Mari being a cat, but she's always with a bird. Not a bug. Which is fun for the cat-who-got-the-canary plays, but not what I'm going for with this idea.)

He can become red bird or something, I don't know. He can't be ladybird. I know that would relate, but he's not a lady.

Unless 

Maybe he does it just to spite people

And take down sexist, discriminating assholes

He might

His brothers would laugh, but they would get behind the cause

It would seem so out of character

But he would enjoy trolling people

Maybe the bats mention ladybird strategically

People are looking for a female

And then as soon as one starts talking shit, BAM!

LADYBIRD IS A DUDE WTF

STAB STAB STAB

OW OW OW

(Those two lines were a reference to a play I was in when I was in high school and they fit perfectly 😂)

😘 drink your respect women juice, kids

And accept all.

Oh my God, though.

I know this started as damian, but could you imagine dick or Jason? Maybe even Tim. I feel like damian is just the least likely to pull this shit.

"Ladybird is a dude wtf"

Cue fake tears "I'm TRANS you PRICK"

he's not, but he supports whole heartedly and that will teach them not to assume one's gender

Suddenly, gothamites have united for Trans rights. Pride month is bigger than before. And gothamites protect their own. Someone says shit about their "Trans" bat? Oh FUCK no. And all the Trans gothamites finally feel represented. Whichever batbro is playing that part takes pride in helping them feel represented. He may not be Trans himself. But he knows how important it is to feel like you matter.

Bonus if it's Jason because he lived on the streets. He knows what being Trans and unaccepted can do to people, whether it be murder or suicide or rape. He's seen them turn to "hormone therapies" found on the street because they can't afford proper medical help or their family doesn't support it and the drugs are a bad batch or laced with something or not even the correct drug at all, and the next thing he knows, they're addicts or dead. Fuck yes he's going to represent.

Give him a more tragic backstory. Maybe he had a trans friend on the street that wasn't accepted by their family. Maybe he tried to help them get the drugs or tried to talk them out of it (having seen his own mother). And they died for it. So when he has the opportunity to represent, he takes it. No one knows if he's mtf or ftm. Maybe he's nonbinary or genderfluid (though I'm pretty sure that's not trans? I could be wrong. And if I am, please gently correct me. I want to learn, not be attacked.) Hell, maybe he's nb or genderfluid outside of the mask. I don't know. I don't think he would be trans, if I'm being honest. The only one I think I could really see as trans is Tim. Though, I'm sure there are great ways to spin Jason as trans, and no hate on that. Just not for this au (though if someone wants to run with this idea and make him trans, I have no problem with that, and I will happily read it 😊)

Fuck, I just wrote a whole goddamn prompt 😭

[lordelmelloi2]

I do definitely feel more at peace with myself over the past few years than I did when I was into stuff like in 2020/2021, when I was still living with my awful mother and roommate. And I feel like a lot of that really honest to god did come from that whole "seeing myself as though I was another person" in a non-DID way (or maybe including within a DID way) because I started thinking about things from that perspective. Everything that I had been through up to that point, plus what I was doing and what I wanted to do.

And I'm not kidding but I do feel like the self-shipping with a character that I really empathized with really helped me. I do. I mean it's not like I've been dishonest or tried to hide it but I really can't stress enough how much like, seeing that character, seeing his struggles, seeing the ways that he sabotaged himself and really being like... yeah, that's me if I was someone else. Doing the same thing, same goals, same mistakes. What can I do better? I love him, so can I love myself?

And I mean by all means it did take a while but I do feel like I can love myself more in general. I still make mistakes -- so shoot me about it, who cares? I have more patience for myself now. I still slip up and still have to apologize to people and I still get cranky but I'm much better at like, loving myself and being real with myself. And taking care of myself too. I chide myself lightly sometimes like "Come on man, you're an adult" when I don't take care of things that I know will help me or make me feel a little better, but I don't tear myself apart about it because I already know it doesn't help and PLUS, would I talk to Waver like that?

Like really. If it's a task that I would put off, or like cleaning chores, or even just the way that I am being frustrating, I ask myself, would I talk to Waver like that, who does the same thing? I know Waver has personality flaws, but I wouldn't be tearing him down over it, there's gentler and more progressive ways of working through it if it's harmful to himself or others. There's ways to work on everything. Having patience for yourself and others really helps and seeing things with good faith but having boundaries and enforcing them and really thinking about what you're going to use your time for also really changes stuff.

I mean it's obviously not a cure-all, since there are still issues that I have to work on that I can really only do through therapy, but after DBT helping me get a guide/framework for how to navigate some of these issues, and the power of seeing yourself in another person that you actually like, I think that really changes stuff. Like really sitting down and thinking about what you like about being yourself. What do you like to do. How do you make yourself laugh. How do you experience contentness and peace. Yknow

[go-to-the-mirror]

Un-Follow Me Now, This Is Gonna Be The Only Thing I Talk About For The Next Day. I've Been Wanting This For Months Fuck. What The Fuck. /ref

@a-mag-a-day

So, uhm, MAG 136 everybody! As you can probably tell I've been looking forward to this episode, not as much as some others, (cough cough) cul-de-sac (cough cough), but a fair amount of excitement going into this. So, without further ado, let's get on with it! Mostly rambling, but I have great words a lot of the time.

For content warnings, mostly what's in the episode and some pretty frank discussions of suicide and depression. If I need to add or tag anything please let me know.

If I get another gambling ad, I'm going to break something :). Sorry, I keep getting this gambling advert and it's just. Nope, no, 0/10. I had hope it would only be on RQG.

ARCHIVIST (Compelling) If you don’t mind me asking, where are you off to? MELANIE Therapy. Wait … ARCHIVIST Oh, God, Melanie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to … MELANIE It’s fine. I would probably have told you eventually anyway. ARCHIVIST Even so, I shouldn’t— MELANIE Just forget it

I'm glad that although Melanie's obviously -- and to be honest, rightfully, yeah Jon didn't mean to make her tell him that she's going to therapy, he still did and that would make me pretty angry -- upset, she's handling it in a good way, they're not getting in a fight, they're being... amicable. Not friends -- a long way from friends.

DAISY You’re not babysitting me, alright? I know that’s what the others think sometimes, but that’s not it. I just don’t like being on my own if I can help it. You know, flashbacks, panic attacks, the usual. Just trying to avoid it if I can. ARCHIVIST I know, Daisy. I do. It’s hard. DAISY Yeah, well. Don’t let me get in your way. ARCHIVIST Of course.

jon's just grappling with the concept of friendship in the corner like, sure, he was a last resort, but he's spending time with another human and they're not obviously wishing he was dead! yay for that i guess!

also uhm i like how yk, maybe i was just watching bad shows before -- probably -- but it isn't... glossed over. they go through things and they deal with said things, mostly in bad and self destructive ways, like yes the characters suffering and then they have to deal with the suffering and it's all portrayed in a -- in my opinion -- pretty true to life way. People get angry when they're traumatized and under stress, people get suicidal, people do stupid things, people don't trust people -- trust the wrong people -- the works.

*holds gently* p o d c a s t

I loved Neil. I might even have been in love with him; it’s hard to say. When there are so many emotions caught up in a single person, when they’re such a significant force in your life, it gets difficult to say what’s really there at the heart of it.

I'm aro, I thought i was in love with people, I probably wasn't. Love is complicated, discerning what type it is.

Even pyrotechnics, while impressive and visually spectacular, just didn’t give me the same sharp joy as making something that could move, that came alive, directed and controlled by my hand.

Ah, right, so here's the sentence that's like "and this is what fear it is." There's a lot of those, scattered around. What comes to mind are the following lines.

Well, that’s what’s really terrifying, isn’t it? Your mind is all you are. There’s no back-up, no reset if it goes. I’m not just talking about madness as it appears, but what it is from inside. The way people talk about it, it’s like you have to think you’re sane, that our mind is everything we perceive, everything we are. Well, that means you can never know when your grasp might be slipping. I’m not convinced that’s it though. Or maybe deep down, somewhere inside, you understand what’s happening to you and I, um… I don’t know which scares me more.

(MAG 65 - Binary)

This shows that it's The Spiral.

One thing that… eats at me, as it were, and does give me that sick tightness of fear deep in my gut. It is rot. I don’t know why it gets to me so; perhaps it’s precisely because I don’t think there is anything beyond the body, and even dead and unaware, seeing a person’s form begin to putrefy and fester – becoming just a home for the crawling, feasting things – is too much for me. Perhaps it’s just an unaccountable phobia. Regardless of the reason, the fact is that to see the corpses decaying, to see their flesh corrupted, it is… the one part of this job that I find uncomfortable. So much so that I would describe reconstruction and preservation as my favourite part of the process. Making sure the cadaver looks as peaceful and lifelike as possible. Make them the person they were, or as close as they can be while cold and senseless. Fighting off the rot. The insects. The disease.

(MAG 36 - Taken Ill)

And this shows it's The Corruption.

I like it, a little introduction, so you know what you're getting into.

“Besides,” he always told me, “I’m a puppeteer at heart.”

✨ Spooky! ✨

A frugal life, lucrative career and prickly personality had left him with lots of money, but no real support; while my life had left me in a position where I cared deeply about his wellbeing and was in desperate need of money. Everything just lined up so neatly.

this was planned wasn't it, "everything just lined up so neatly," yeah no way it's a coincidence.

I must have asked him about it, but at the time it just seemed like such a natural progression.

This reminds me of some of the stuff in MAG 59 - Recluse.

I’m sure they’d have said the same things about me and at the time nothing seemed amiss. I did what I did because it was what I was supposed to do, and it never struck me to question it. I’m not sure I really recognise who I became while living at that house.

With The Web's control and things seeming fine but then you look back and it's like "yep, definitely not."

He was hanging there, wrapped in his strings like a cocoon, twisting gently around and around and around.

THAT'S AN IMAGE. oh!! OH!! oh boy!!!

She told me to take the films, his original cuts.

The way "original cuts" is said sounds a lot like some of the other tones a few statement givers take -- even Jon sometimes, immediately I can think of in the season 5 trailer. I recognise that tone.

She told me to come here. She told me to give them to you. I resisted for some time, but I’m done now. She’s won. And I would very much like to go home.

I love the way this statement ends, a lot of statements have very cool endings, this one's snazzy, the statement giver sounds so defeated.

ARCHIVIST They were … Well, let’s just say it’s not a complete shock there was something unnatural to them. Didn’t know we had copies in the Institute, though, let alone original cuts. Records indicate they ended up in Artefact Storage. DAISY Probably best they stay there. ARCHIVIST Yeah… Yes, of course.

No! Not best they stay there! Daisy and Jon movie night watching spooky films together! I think that would be fun.

DAISY She’s Web. Spider’s sneaky like that. Like that lighter you’re always using – where’d you get that? ARCHIVIST Hm, good point. We should keep our eyes open. Anyway, how’s Basira doing?

Spooky bloody lighter, god damnit, god damn that spooky lighter.

AAAA. No guys, the lighter isn't messing with his memory, he just has adhd.

DAISY Yeah, well, what do you think? You think I’m weak just cos I’m not already chasing the next kill? You think I’m less me? ARCHIVIST I … I don’t feel like I’m exactly in the best place to judge the intersection between free will and humanity. Still trying to figure that out myself.

✨ t h e m e s ✨ [themes]

I, unsurprisingly, like this. I think, that I like. The exploration of it. I think it's snazzy. It's hard to articulate my thoughts, but I am holding this gently, I am holding the many many themes of this very cool podcast gently. I am directing you to tumblr user annabelle--cane because it's got great brain thoughts.

DAISY Jon … When you went in the coffin, was it you choosing to do that? Did you actually think you could save me or was something telling you to do it? ARCHIVIST It was me. I was drawn to it, I’ll admit, but it was my decision. It wasn’t entirely about you, though. DAISY What was it? ARCHIVIST My— My memories of the coma are not clear, but I know I made a choice. I made a choice to become … something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I don’t know if I made the right decision. I’m stronger now, tougher, I can … If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever, I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else, so if I can maybe stop that happening and the only danger is to me … I’ll do it in a heartbeat. Worst case scenario, the universe loses another monster. DAISY That’s messed up. ARCHIVIST (Laughs) Yeah. I suppose it is.

I've also heard it described as "if there was a truck coming towards me, I wouldn't move out the way." Maybe not actively seeking it, but definitely not... not seeking it.

Yeah, thinking you're an inherently worse person than everyone around you, is a pretty good way to get you know, suicidal.

Almost everyone you care about thinking -- and saying -- that your very existence is a wrong, that they'd rather you have died, that's going to mess you up. And I'm... I mean like, poor Jon or whatever, I love him, he's my blorbo, but like him living his worst life is compelling and written well.

I should say more, but idk, I think I've summed up Some Thoughts.

ARCHIVIST I guess I thought imprisonment wouldn’t … wouldn’t be as bad as it was. And it’s a lot easier to make that choice than it is to actually endure the result. You might have noticed, when I was in there with you, I had regrets.

fuck dude it sure is, i mean at least he's pretty bad at self-sacrifice, like he lived, didn't get stuck in a coffin forever, no bad outcomes apart from... like... the trauma. he didn't even have to have one awkward conversation. until now, but i feel like him and daisy are more on the "joking about melodramatic notes app notes written while having a breakdown" than "one person who wants to get out of the situation and another who is Concerned."

DAISY You need to stop moping. ARCHIVIST I what?

THIS IS A MOMENT WHERE THE UNNOFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS ABSOLUTELY WIN. "picture of Edwardian offence" ahsdfsewadfssewa

I mean like yeah it's a little insensitive or whatever, but to be fair, sometimes it's just better to get out of your head, distract yourself, don't listen to sad music while you're down because otherwise you're just going to get more sad. Shout out to crying over a TMA meta while listening to Mitski and reading all my saved TMA metas. Not the exact situation, but let it be known i don't cry over fiction that much. This podcast has made me cry like... how many times at this point?

I'd share other, more specific details, but I'm not sure how much is oversharing, especially with these topics.

DAISY “Boo hoo, I’m so alone and a monster!” ARCHIVIST I am alone. Martin is—

*points* GAY

well, bi. yk.

DAISY Get over yourself. You’re always talking about choices. We all made ours. Now I’m making a choice to get some drinks in. Coming? ARCHIVIST I don’t … Yeah, ok.

ANOTHER PART WHERE THE UNNOFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS STAY WINNING! "pause while he grapples with the concept of friendship." Like I'm using official because i noticed an error in MAG 119, but the unofficials are funny.

DAISY Melanie’s out, but I’ll go get Basira. ARCHIVIST Is she … Would she want to join us? DAISY If she doesn’t, I’ll rip her throat out. ARCHIVIST Uhhh… DAISY It’s a joke, John. ARCHIVIST (Dubious) Oh, aha. Yes. I’ll get my coat.

HIS STUPID LITTLE LAUGH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

he's just like me fr oh my goddd he's a dumbass he's i want to squish him like one of those toys whose eyes pop out i want to shake him out like a cat aaaaaa

Anyway, Jon fan[redacted]ing over, uhhh more thoughts on the whole bloody... thing he's got going on.

First of all, I mean... passive suicidality sucks. And I think that's what's going on, like he jumped into that coffin, with the knowledge that he might not live, but maybe he will, and does it matter either way. He lives, gets Daisy out, he's useful, he's good. He dies or gets stuck there... well, it's just another monster gone. And of course that's not what he thinks when he's down there, but... I can't back this up with studies, but anecdotally... yeah uh, I mean, sometimes you go "oh shit, maybe doing this nonspecific thing was a bad idea, actually, and you don't want to die."

That... sudden realization of what he's done, what he's condemned himself to, the continuing... you know, he's not exactly okay in season 5, or even later on in season 4 -- what with the dark sun -- and that rings true with me. I can actually back this up with a study, according to this website, (it's reliable, it's Harvard, just search up "attempters' longterm survival" on google, it should be the first result.) 90% of people who attempt suicide don't go on to die by suicide, however 40% of those who have died from suicide (in the US) have previously attempted suicide, and 5 to 11 percent of people hospitalized for a suicide attempt go on to die via suicide, but those who haven't are only 1 in 10,000. Besides, not he's gotten help, he's just realized he made a mistake in one situation, he's talked about it to a friend, sure, but he's still mostly alone, he still mostly thinks he's a monster.

Like... that's not a great situation to be in. Someone give him some actual friends (or a boyfriend) and take all the Panado (acetaminophen) out of his reach.

[hrodvitnon]

And a new dialogue challenge from me. ;) Abraxas meets Graham Lives!Vivienne.

(Oooh! Gonna tackle this first...)

Abraxas!Vivienne: What the...

Vivienne: Jesus! What in the...?!

Abraxas!Vivienne: Okay, long story short: Alternate universe, you die and come back as part Ghidorah, the left head is your new brother and he's a good guy now. Life sucked for a while but it got better. Still need therapy, though.

Vivienne: Oh... that doesn't sound too different from how things are now. Minus the apparent... turning into a Titan thing...

Abraxas!San: You're so cute small!

Vivienne: Er. Thank you?

Abraxas!San: I guess Ghidorah wasn't so interested in eating you...

Abraxas!Vivienne: Lucky. How did you survive Antarctica?

Vivienne: ...Ghidorah killed Mark instead...

Abraxas!Vivienne: Oh... oh, god. I'm so sorry.

Vivienne: *sighs* It's fine. But sometimes I can't help but feel Mark should've survived instead of me. That maybe he would've been faster when it was important.

Abraxas!San: You're alive. That's what matters. Better that you live than getting Ghidorah's attention... that way you don't have to live through terrible horrors. You are irreplaceable.

Vivienne: ...that's what Dr. Serizawa told me. Thank you.

Abraxas!Vivienne: San's right. Besides, look at all the things you can still do that I can't. At least you can still eat pizza or play games with Maddie.

Vivienne: That certainly is a bonus. Plus Godzilla ended that thing rightly in Boston. I'll be honest, it's bizarre to think I could have turned into a half-Ghidorah hybrid, considering... *takes a breath* ...considering Monarch decided keeping that leftover head was a good idea.

Abraxas!Vivienne: WHAT.

Abraxas!San: It isn't.

Vivienne: Well, thank god somebody agrees with me! As if Monarch public access to all our information and the fact that Sensei gave his life so that monster could be killed isn't enough, apparently my insistence on its destruction wasn't good enough!

Abraxas!Vivienne: Why are they keeping it?!

Vivienne: For study, of course. Never mind the fact that it tried killing us all, some people think that Ghidorah might be the key to curing cancer or even immortality, as if we don't already have FUCKING LOBSTERS for that!

Abraxas!Vivienne: Christ, do people want Zmeyevich? Because this is how you get Zmeyevich!

Abraxas!San: Where is the head being stored? I'm feeling peckish.

[withacapitalp]

Nancy for the character question ask!

favorite thing about them

BADDIE NANCY!!!!! She shoots at a demogorgon and she fights all the time for everything. I also love that Nancy cares about Mike!!! Give us more of their sibling relationship in s5 PLEASE

least favorite thing about them

Ough I think that Nancy's one track mind can really be her downfall

favorite line

“Girls this age are dumb. But give ‘em a few years, and they’ll wise up. You’re gonna drive them nuts.”

Lmao Nancy doesn't have a ton of lines that stand out to me? But her and Dustin at the snowball and her trying to help him feel better? one of the sweetest scenes in the show

brOTP

Barb and Nancy!!! Eddie and Nancy!!! give her a best friend!!!! I also really like Nancy and Robin as buds!!! Them as friends is so greatttttt

OTP

Stoncy but in general I think that Nancy doesn't need to be in a romantic relationship. Nancy needs to learn how to take care of herself in a way that isn't detrimental to everyone around her, and she needs to acknowledge her pain and work through it instead of letting it run her. Nancy and Therapy that's my OTP LMAO

nOTP

Ronance in most instances. I think it can be done, but it's rare that I actually like it

random headcanon

Nancy met Barb in ballet (they both have ballet related things in their house) Barb was terrible at it, and Nancy was really good, but they both tended to hide in the back and talk about books they were reading instead of paying attention.

unpopular opinion

Nancy's selfish. Yep I said it. Nancy is focused on what Nancy wants and what Nancy needs to do to prove herself/feel better (even though she never really feels better because she never lets herself hurt. She just wants to fix it without feeling it). There is so many moments where I'm just like girl what are you doing!!!! Nancy is so crazy focused on getting justice for Barb that she ignores NDAs she signed? Like it is pure plot convenience that she and Jonathan weren't arrested/shot for the shit they did in s2. No way on earth that wouldn't have serious ramifications. She's so angry at being put down by the men at the paper (rightfully!) that she gets both her and Jonathan fired (not rightfully!) and then doesn't care when he is upset. She does not get that he can't lose his job because his family literally relies on his income. Nancy stays with Steve when she wants to be with Jonathan because she doesn't want to be alone, and then lets him blame himself for their relationship failing? She should have been honest that she didn't want him.

I don't mind Nancy being selfish! I honestly think it's a really good thing because it is at her core. I think that she can get to self-focused from selfish as she grows, and we see that as s4 evolves, but like I hate that no one is allowed to say anything that might be seen as critical of Nancy because no many people hate her. I love Nancy!! she's super interesting to me! But Nancy is selfish, which makes sense, and makes her stay interesting to me

song i associate with them

Way Down We Go by Kaleo and Duet from the Omori OST

favorite picture of them

NANCY WHEELER FUCKING BADASS SHE IS SO IM SO OH MY GOD THE BISEXUAL FURY SHES A GODDESS SHES SO COOL

[medtech-mara]

10, 12, 24, and 30 for Mara? <3

List for questions can be found >here< pls ask me more, or rb so i can ask you some ⸂⸂⸜(രᴗര๑)⸝⸃⸃

TW death.

10. Does Mara have any regrets?

I'm going to be completely honest here, and it gives me a pit in my stomach. The answer can easily be answered with Yes, but at the same time its more complicated.

I'll explain a bit, Mara suffers from Cyberpsychosis, though she's not totally out of control, she exhibits classic signs. One, of those is permeant. I took it upon myself to add this characteristic for her as her only way coping with everything thats happen. No amount of therapy will ever scrub from her. mechanically speaking, she could just go to therapy and if she gained enough humanity back, she would then lose that characteristic.

Mara's traits are the following currently:

Impusle control

Poor behavior control

Cunning and Manipulative

Failure to Accept responsibility

The last one was determined the last time she had dropped to 1 humanity point from full cyberpsychosis, one of those i rolled to see which one would be the perma trait..... So...(IF I had lost 1 more point... I would have had to turn her over to the DM, I no longer get to play her til she gains more humanity.)

Thats where it gets complicated.

God, I feel like I have so much to include here so I'll totally understand if you never ask me a question ever again. xD

If you were to ask ME what I want her to feel regret about its for Jack's death, after all it was her fault. If she had been open and honest with him before she left for the city center gig, he might have been saved from being mauled by one of Biotechnica's experiments. She knew in the pit of her stomach that Jack was up to something, but was too busy trying to remove the kill switch to do anything about it.

If you want to know what she regrets, its a few things:

Not going half on that Sig frame Jago wanted the night before he was beheaded.

Not reaching out and grabbing Jago to keep him from pissing off Tetsuo Okada.

Putting her fear aside and taking her chance with Jack Adams .

12. Does Mara have any sense of style? Regardless of the answer does she believe she has a sense of style?

Honestly, not really. Due to Mara being 6'2, its not easy to find clothes that fit her, so she often has to have things custom tailored for her. Which works great, because she gets the help she needs.

24. Does Mara have any Enemies?

She has no shortage of those... Some I don't even think I can name, because I just don't know them yet. Those I can name:

Tetsuo Okada, one of Wakako's sons, reasons for Night Raid putting him in the hospital for killing Jago.

Another one of Wakako's sons.. For J I H Z Z Y publically humiliating him and shaking him down for the repairs and solving their maelstrom turf war on livestream. I was too drunk over J I H Z Z Y being a bad ass to remember his name, im gonna be real.

Voodoo Boys, for stealing a black box containing unknown program, could have been the A.I that infected NIGHT RAID with the killswitch. Also killing Brigitte second in command, just as equally formidable as Placid. Also the violence between the two is starting to ramp up again. Due to hearing Panthera's interview with Genesis Vijun they've decided to leave a calling card on Mara's clinic door.

Saul Herrera- Valentino Fixer- While, if you ask Saul, he'd tell you she's just a borg'd brain bitch who needs to downgrade, and probably regrets ever contributing to her upgrades. He'd say it started when Desiree "Token" Yang had asked her told flame to help with a prank NIGHT RAID wanted to pull on a sleeping Panthera in the back of the crews car. He agree'd went with one of his chooms, pulled out his piece and tapped on the window of the car to wake Mara, he was to act like he was robbing her.

What NIGHT RAID didn't expect, Mara's reaction to be woken up with a gun in her face. Pulling the lever to get out of the car, Mara slid quickly back and kicked the door as hard as she could, causing the two valentinos to fly back, then Mara pulled her gun out and was about to paint the pavement when Saul's choom grabbed her by her hair pulling her off, kicking, screaming, and determined to go down fighting, Mara hissed clawing at the mans hand warning him if he didn't let her go she was going to rip his throat out with her teeth. Thats when NIGHT RAID stepped in and was like "Its just a prank, bro"

However, you ask Mara, she'll tell you the disrespect he's shown her every single time they met before the prank happened.

30. If Mara had the chance to be famous would she take it? If She is famous would she rather she weren't?

As it stands, Mara is famous. NIGHT RAID is on everyones lips currently. She's easily recognizable by anyone. Frankly, she wishes she wasn't.

It wouldn't matter if NIGHT RAID had stayed under the radar or not, she's married famous South African Rockerboy J I H Z Z Y, who has been making waves in the club scene from JAPANTOWN to Wellsprings, you'll hear his new single.

Though thankfully, Mara brings a threatening energy that most dont wanna fuck with, so they don't really approach her much.

OH MY GOD

I'm so sorry, Info dumped a lot, theres just so much about this campaign and so little time (and frankly peoples interest) to talk about it. I hope this doesn't prevent you from asking in the future. AND DONT JUDGE ME for giving up on linking every single person to the character key or do their respected pages. It's a lot to do. And I think you get the point by the first few times. This is probably all word vomit but its how i thrive in chaos.

[queerasflux]

So I've been struggling real bad with working through some old childhood trauma, and my therapist asked me to sit down and write down everything my mother did to me that was just like, Objectively Not Okay- and jesus christ. I always just sort of assumed that like, yeah, my mom wasn't the most perfect mom, but she was doing her best and meant well.

then I just... couldn't stop writing. and the more I wrote, the more I realized that hey, this was straight up abusive. not just "made a few mistakes but generally well-meaning as a parent" but like honest to god "what the fuck is wrong with you and why would you do that to a child" shit, and I'm just so angry and I don't know where to put it.

I'm tired of people telling me that I must forgive/give my mother some slack, because she's my mom and she was also traumatized and "did her best"- as if being traumatized is a free pass to abuse others, or that it somehow negates the emotional and mental toll it took on me to be raised by someone like her.

I'm angry that I can't even confront her about these things, because she will immediately either get defensive/aggressive at me, or will invalidate it (it wasn't that bad/wasn't as bad as what her mom did/she didn't mean it that way), or hop up on the pity potty and want to be comforted that yeah, even though she severely abused her child, she's not a bad mom, right?

Really just struggling with things rn. List under cut, because I think other people should also be aware this shit is Not Okay, and because I'm tired of covering up for my mother's bad behavior, and not being allowed to talk about it or how it hurt me because of how it may reflect on her.

A (very) abridged and generalized list of shit my mom has done that was straight up fucked up and abusive and Not Okay that I was convinced was "not that bad" for literal decades.

Beat the shit out of her autistic kid having meltdowns, joked years later about "beating the autism" out of me, never got me tested for autism/ADHD/any other neurodivergency, I had to get diagnosed myself at 28

stayed married to a man that was not only physically abusive, but who she (rightfully!) suspected of being a pedophile

constantly ripped her children from places once they'd established friendships/finally settled in at school with no warning, apology, support system, or any way to contact old friends

when her child who is very smart starts struggling very badly in school (for above reasons and also because she was drinking heavily and was too busy partying to help her kid), decides the best option is not to get the kid tested/help in school, but to simply scream at them that they're just like their abusive father

medically neglects her children- one of whom didn't get glasses until they were 13 and had a note sent home from school. same kid becomes partially deaf in ear later due to medical neglect, and eventually ends up with several disabilities as an adult from things that could have been prevented or mitigated from childhood

repeatedly put children in the path of her own abusive mother, who she knew and described as abusive, and who she knew (commented on and joked about!) was targeting one of her children specifically

when I get depressed over that, and come to her asking for help because I'm suicidal, she proceeds to mock me for (actual quote) "needing [my] mommyyyyyyy", does not get me into therapy

despite never getting her children treatment for their own mental illness or being someone they could confide in, perfectly able and willing to use her children as free therapists, from as young as 6 years old.

constant breaches of trust/privacy- instead of simply talking to children or listening to them when they have a problem, she decided to simply read journals, chats/emails, anything private, then becomes angry when confronted.

The first two times I came out to her, she just ignored it because she didn't want to have to deal with it and thought I would just drop it

The third and final time I came out, she said I was mutilating my body, that my fiance would stop loving me and no one else would ever want me, and that I was holding her hostage/betraying her.

again, the most generalized/abridged version of what she's done, and seeing it all down just... disgusts and enrages me. this is not okay behavior. this is child abuse, emotional abuse, just sickening behavior in general, and this whole time I've been making excuses. Because I was taught/told that I "had to understand" because she had been traumatized, so that somehow made my own trauma acceptable? Because she wasn't as bad as her mother, I was expected to praise her and never hold her accountable for her behaviors and actions. I am expected to give her kudos and a gold medal for meeting the bare minimum of food/shelter, as if that's not the absolute bare minimum that doesn't get your kids taken away, and that animals in the animal kingdom do without any sort of celebration every day. a leopard doesn't get a mother's day card for feeding her cubs, she has to do that or they fucking die.

I'm just angry, and I need to get it out somewhere. I am sure this will be eventually seen/found by my sister, and like, sorry buddy but I can't be quiet any more, and I'm not making excuses for her any more. She was abusive. Is abusive. And I don't have to put up with it any more.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi! I'm looking for resources/an answer to a question I have regarding trauma. warning for mentions of c-ptsd and abuse(?) but nothing in depth.

I experienced ongoing trauma throughout 2021 and have c-ptsd now. the experience included a lot of being manipulated and made to believe what was happening wasn't really happening. I don't remember just about anything that happened that year. I can put together some memories from 2020 but nothing very specific. I do not remember 2015-2019 clearly at all. I'm not sure why, because I don't remember experiencing anything traumatic those years, and my ptsd is specifically from the trauma I endured in 2021.

what little I do remember from those years feel like something I watched in a 3rd person movie rather than something I experienced myself. I feel like I've been randomly dropped in 2022, or like i woke up in someone else's life.

heres the thing though!

I can remember 2010-2014 pretty clearly. like, a lot of it. about myself (more than I did other years), and how the world was. like news, pop culture, music, movies, fashion, trends, all of it is very clear and familiar to me.

with my memory loss there's this huge gap of lost time between then and now. I've described it to people like waking up from a long coma and seeing yourself and the world completely changed. it sounds very dumb and fake but honest to God I can't remember anything that's happened in the world in the past seven or so years. my few patchy memories are all of myself doing mundane silent things like waiting at a bus stop. and again all of those are fuzzy and third person. anything important? nada. not specific details about myself, nothing related to politics or pop culture, nothing that even suggests I actually existed except for family pictures.

I feel so disorientated with everything all the time and I am struggling really hard with understanding modern things like technology and social media. I have a hard time with remembering basic stuff like bringing a face mask with me when I go out. it's practically impossible to find dvds anywhere (at least where I live). phones are so big and hard to navigate. malls are wayyyy emptier.

I don't really talk about this to people because it's embarrassing and obviously sounds incredibly fake but I feel so out of touch with everything.

I've got an ok grasp on world events that have happened (thanks to lots of googling) and I haven't had much trouble understanding the current political climate cause the "radical" beliefs I held back then are now way more normal and expected today, and my family and friends have been good at reminding me of things that happened in our personal lives when I ask. it's been about 10 months since I started remembering things clearly again and I think I've done pretty well at grounding myself.

I'm not really enjoying it. I still dress the way I did in the early 2010s because it just feels more normal to me. I dont understand what a lot of words or terms mean. people are a lot more hostile online and everyone speaks in a really condescending tone. people have been mean to me when I don't know who certain celebrities are or when so-and-so died or when this-or-that was released. again all of this just sounds stupid but honestly it's really stressful for me and I spend a lot of time feeling extremely anxious and overwhelmed by everything. I feel really dumb for not getting it and not remembering anything. I also feel like I'm faking it, even though I can't imagine why I'd do that and I can't explain where that lost time went.

I guess my question is if anyone knows what this is, what this means, etc? like, what's happening? is this a thing? am I just crazy? is my brain tricking itself somehow? I feel so lost and confused. I've been in therapy and I know trauma can do weird things to the mind but I've never heard of anything like this and I wouldn't even know where to start looking. any help is appreciated

Hi anon,

You're absolutely not alone. My trauma was from 2014-2015, and I can't really remember most of 2015-2019. I think part of it is simply that trauma often sets a bar that everything else now falls under, which can make life seem so boring that it becomes a blur.

Another thing is, in terms of structural dissociation, CPTSD can be a precursor to a dissociative disorder such as OSDD or DID, as well as identity disturbance such as BPD. In my experience with (what I think is coming from) BPD, I literally do not identify with the person I was when I experienced the trauma, and use a different name and pronouns to reflect that. I also do not have a stable sense of self, and sometimes my sense of past is clearer sometimes and foggier other times.

With a dissociative disorder, the explanation of this large passage of time is amnesia. If you're plural, sometimes an alter who experiences trauma may go dormant and/or another alter will front for an indefinite amount of time (this can last years). Then when the previous alter awakens from dormancy and fronts again, it can feel like someone has been living your life without you, because it has. This may also explain why the memories from that time were in the third person. Either way, many alters who emerge from dormancy need to be updated with the current situation.

You may find it helpful to look into Internal Family Systems, IFS. It's a therapy that treats an individual client as made up of multiple parts of themselves, and it helps to identify what those other parts are, how they work, and what they want to communicate. Often times, when speaking to a traumatized part, they believe they're still as old as the age of the trauma, and/or will believe that the Self never aged. This can be why it's disorienting for you to deal with the pandemic and technological advancements.

You've been through a lot. Please remember to practice self-care, whether that's making sure your hygiene is taken care of (even a nice bath or something), or rest. You deserve to do what relaxes you or makes you happy.

You're doing a great job.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[rin-and-jade]

it's me AGAIN, pop. actually its pop/poppie today, if you don't know her that's fine. (she's like the other side of me? idk same base different colours.)

I got a bit depressed I think, nah I think it's just rumination of my thoughts and feelings, though I couldn't tell you.

I just felt like SHIT yesterday and just sad and worthless and awful.

still feel a bit like that, but Belle took over and I feel better now.

idk, you always know what to say.

I was thinking about just the past, and I think I got triggered by stuff idk. I was making a quiz to help people with figuring out if they were emotionally abused. (like a "oh here take this it might help you figure out if you might have this idk" sorta thing.)

and I guess I was thinking a bit too hard about it, and just felt AWFUL just plain AWFUL. you never realise how bad it is until you write out things they've said to you as EXAMPLES of the abuse.

like urggg, yk?

maybe I didn't really get abused that bad, maybe I'm overreacting?

but I don't know, I just don't. it feels right, it feels like that's right in the deepest part of my heart. but it just hurts, if I ever bring it up I don't know what they'd say.

I can't word things properly, and I know I'll get misunderstood. I just want them to acknowledge that they hurt me, they tried their best but they still hurt me.

I don't blame them, I just wish they were better.

it just feels awful, one moment I forget about it. then they make their hurtful comments or call me stupid and blame me for things I didn't do and it all comes back.

idk how to even just go about it, this is why I just have to get a job. then I can pay a frickin therapist and then I can figure it out damn it.

honest to god you guys are SAINTS, thank you for listening to my bullshit.

most of he time I want to tell my friends, but I know it will just make things worse.

I'm trying to tell them about the others, or even just me. but it hasn't gotten there yet, I hope it will soon.

they care about me, and they listen. I just don't think they'd understand, but hey I should at least try right?

thanks for listening :)

What im listening to isn't bullshit bro, its about someones life. A person that i care to listen to even if this act doesn't change the whole world, but atleast it changed someone's world so that's still a win. Also the "I don't blame them, I just wish they were better." is super relatable..

If you need a friend that will not do all those things, or somewhere to go for advices if one can't afford therapy/counseling, or a place to actually feel listened to,, if that's what is needed then im literally right here infront of you.

I'll assume this as a story and if you really need some actual advices from what you had written here then you can re-ask them and i can get back to it.

If anyone really need a place to just vent and take that weight off just go right to the inbox it's always checked,, if anyone also needed a place who accept asks that involves problem solving for issues (most preferred intrapersonally) and hopes for a good and detailed answer in how to handle it,, shoot the inbox. Right now. You guys deserve to be heard and cared for get in the gang right now, like, dang.

- j