#I got angry enough for me to decide that writing a post without careful consideration would probably lead to an inaccurate little ramble

[mcybree]

Random limlife Scott rant, GO!

I got this ask and decided that I’d give it my best shot but got so mad on my skim through some of the moments I remembered that I gave up.

[nyctophilin]

Birthday Present

Sweet anon⤀ could you make a lovey-dovey changbin soft don smut with a breeding kink :D and by lovey-dovey i mean where he’s muttering ily’s as he’s pounding in her👉🏼👈🏼 im sorry if this is a lot:(

Description⤀ Y/N decides to give Changbin a special present for his birthday. 

All rights reserved © nyctophilin 2020. Re-posting, copying and translating any of my works is prohibited.

Pairing⤀ Changbin x fem!Reader

Word count⤀ 3.03k

Genre⤀ Fluff, Smut

Warnings⤀ soft dom!changbin, oral(M), soft sex, unprotected penetration, breeding, praising, swearing 

Pearl Note⤀ Happy birthday to the birthday boy!! Let’s just pretend that I’m not late and that I posted it on his birthday. This is my first time writing oral with a male receiver, please be nice with me. Also my first time writing a breeding kink and I’m not sure if I’ve done it properly. This is also my oldest request at the moment. I’m sorry for making you wait so much anon. I hope you like it! Feedback is very much appreciated.

      She took another look at herself in the big mirror, checking to see if there was anything out of place. She was wearing a casual wrap-around red dress that was a little bit longer than her knees. Her hair was styled in soft waves, and her makeup was natural. She decided not to dress up too much. They were going to stay home anyway.

      She impatiently checked the rectangular clock on the wall. Changbin was supposed to be home any moment. Today was his birthday, but they didn’t get to spend it together due to him having to work from early in the morning. However, he promised her that he’d be home early so they could have a little celebratory party together.

      As if on cue she heard the lock of the front door click followed by the sound of it being slammed shut only moments later. Making her way out of the bedroom, she went to welcome Changbin home. He was standing in front of the door, cake and bottle of champagne in each hand struggling to kick off his shoes.

      She hurried to take the cake out of his hand and walked into the kitchen to put it in the fridge.

      “I still think I should have bought the cake. You shouldn’t have to buy your own cake for your birthday!” She voiced while walking back into the living room.

      “The shop was on my way back home anyway. I didn’t want to make you walk there just for that. By the smell coming from the kitchen, I’m sure you had a lot of things to prepare.” He inhaled deeply the smell of freshly cooked food.

      “But I could have made time to do it.” A pout appeared on her lips, forcing a chuckle out of Changbin.

      “Next year, okay? I’ll go take a shower and then we can eat.” He put a hand around her waist and kissed her lovingly before making his way into the bathroom.

      Soon after she heard the sound of the shower being turned on. She decided to use that time to put the food on the plates. She went into the living room to rescue the champagne bottle from the coffee table and opened it pouring it into glasses. 

      Y/N lit the candles on the candlestick trying to bring a more romantic air to the whole setting. She turned on the small audio speaker that was on the kitchen counter and played some slow jazz music. Without realising, she started humming along to the melody, her body swinging slowly from one leg to the other.

      She felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her waist and Changbin placed a kiss on her cheek. A smile plastered on her face, and she turned in his arms, kissing his lips. Y/N wanted to move away and sit at the table, but Changbin’s arms tightened around her.

      She looked up at him, the smile from earlier still present on her face.

      “The food will get cold!” She giggled, placing her hands on his biceps.

      “I don’t care. I’m sure it will taste just as amazing. Let’s just dance for a bit!” He proposed, and she silently agreed, resting her head on his shoulder.

      They danced for a good period of time, just enjoying each other’s presence. From time to time, he will swirl her around, and they both would giggle like two children. Standing close to each other, enjoying each other’s smell. 

      By the time they stopped dancing the food was already cold but they didn’t mind.

      They enjoyed dinner together, talking as if they haven’t seen each other in years. Everything felt so magical. Y/N was glad that he was home and that she could enjoy these moments with him.

      When they finished eating, she told him to go ahead and prepare for bed while she stays behind and cleans a little bit. He agreed with a frown and left for the bedroom after placing a kiss on her lips. She watched him as he entered the room and went to put all the plates in the sink.

      She didn’t actually mean her words when she said she’ll be cleaning. She had all the time in the world the next day for the few plates they used, but she wanted to get him out of the way.

      Y/N waited for a few minutes, hoping that by then he’ll be changed in the clothes he uses as pyjamas. When she decided that enough time passed she got up from the chair she was sitting in and made her way to the bedroom. Stopping in front of the door, she untied the bow at the back of her dress, letting it fall loose around her. She took the dress off altogether, letting it slide down her shoulders and fall into the floor.

      The door opened with a quiet creak, so quiet that Changbin didn’t hear it. He was seated on the edge of the bed, phone in hand and eyebrows furrowed. He was most probably talking with the other guys. He didn’t pay her any mind when she entered the room or when she closed the door with a thud. He was either unaware of her presence too focused on the conversation he was having, or he simply chose to ignore her.

      Y/N made her way towards him, making sure to be quiet. When she was only a metre away from him, she stopped and tilted her head, crossing her arms under her chest.

      “I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t be using your phone tonight.” Her voice suave and teasing.

      His head shot in her direction, mouth open, an explanation as to why he was using his phone on the tip of his tongue. However, all of his words got stuck in his throat when his eyes landed on her. Looking her up and down, Adam's apple bobbing when he swallowed.

      Y/N was wearing a navy matching lingerie set. The lace material was delicately wrapped around her body, the whole picture almost innocent. Almost.

      “It was important. And we were going to go to bed anyway. Or were we?” He provoked, eyebrow raised and bottom lip between his teeth.

      She took the last few steps towards him, placing her hands around his neck. Smirk present on her face, she looked down at him.

      “I was going to give you your present.” She purred, eyes fixing his.

      “But you already did. I absolutely loved that shirt!” He played dumb, placing his hands on her hips.

      “This one is another kind of present.” Bending down, she started kissing him.

      Hands going down from his shoulders to his exposed chest, thanks to him sleeping in only a pair of shorts, feeling him slowly. A groan left his throat, and she broke the kiss, mouth going down his body.

      Y/N left a trail of kisses starting from his jaw down his neck and torso, letting her tongue out occasionally. Changbin had his hand on her back, slightly rubbing it. When she reached his abs, she let her teeth sink into the flesh, sucking on it. The action ripped another groan from him, fueling her desire to please him even more.

      Mouth moving to leave a mark in another place, her fingers hooking into the hem of his shorts and boxers. He lifted his lower body to help her push down his clothes, and his semi-erect penis bounced up.

      Fingers wrapping around his shaft she started pumping him slowly to help him become fully erect. Her mouth stopped her ministration on his abs, and her tongue left a wet trail down to his thigh. Her teeth sank into his inner thigh, hot tongue slowly licking the skin, and she felt his cock twitch in her hand, a smirk forming on her lips.

      Y/N looked up at him with doe eyes and brought her mouth closer to his shaft, not breaking the eye contact for even a second. Lips wrapped around his angry red tip and his fingers instantly tangled in her hair a whiny moan erupting from his chest.

      “You don’t have to. I know you don’t like it.” Changbin spoke, his breath laboured while trying his best not to thrust in her mouth.

      Y/N felt a wave of heat pool in her stomach at his consideration. Always making sure that she is comfortable. Even on his birthday. Even when she was willing to give him a very special present. She absolutely adored him.

      Without saying anything, she released his cock and Changbin relaxed, thinking that she decided against her initial idea. However, his relaxation wasn’t long-lived as she licked a stripe from the base of his cock to the tip, feeling a pulsating vein under her wet muscle. She let it trace around the head before making the tip tease the slit. A string of curses left Changbin’s mouth, hand getting a better hold of her hair.

      Opening her mouth and making sure that her eyes were piercing into his, Y/N took more of his length in this time. Changbin threw his head back and hand tugged at her hair ever so slightly, the subtle pain making her hum in satisfaction. She started bobbing her head up and down in a sloppy and fast manner. Using her hand, she was pumping what she couldn’t fit into her mouth. Her awkward moves made obvious the fact that she has done something like that only two or three times before. 

      She let her mouth relax at some point, and Changbin suddenly yanked at her hair. His action almost made her release his cock as she let out a pained moan.

      “Be careful with your teeth. Do it slowly, babe.” He trained while massaging her scalp.

      Y/N nodded slowly and stretched her mouth around him, starting to move her head again, slower this time. She pressed her tongue to his hard length, letting it swirl around as best as she could while bobbing her head. Changbin hissed at her action, the hand that wasn’t in her hair tightly gripping the edge of the mattress.

      Dragging her mouth up, she eagerly sucked on his tip, a strong salty taste laying heavy on her tongue. Unable to contain himself anymore Changbin bucked his hips up. The head of his cock hit the back of her throat, her gag reflex activating. Tears pricked in her eyes and her throat burned but instead of pulling her head away like she wanted to, she hollowed her cheeks around him, eager to please him as best as she could.

      “Fuck...You are doing amazing.” He cursed, looking down at her and using his hand to move her hair out of her face.

      Using his thumb, Changbin whipped the tears away from her eye before caressing her cheek lovingly. With hooded eyes, she looked up at him before starting to bob her head once again. With faster moves, she let his tip hit the back of her throat every time she slid her head down. Placing one hand on his thigh to support herself, she used her free one to fondle with his balls, adding to his sensation.

      Her mouth on his cock combined with her hand on his balls and her innocent eyes looking up at him, silently asking if she’s doing well, Changbin couldn’t stop the groans and curses leaving his mouth as if he was reciting a mantra. A few more sloppy bobs of her head and Changbin tangled his fingers in her hair again, pulling lightly.

      “Stop. F-fuck, stop!” He chanted, head thrown back and one of his legs slightly bucking up.

      Y/N listened to his desperate plea and released his cock with a loud pop. The taste of his precum dominant on her tongue and drool dripping down the corner of her mouth. She looked at him, worry present in her eyes.

      “Are you ok? Did I do something?” Her voice hoarse and hands on his biceps.

      Y/N’s eyes were travelling up and down his body, trying to find any sign of discomfort. Mind flooded with all the things she has done wrong that might have hurt him.

      Changbin harshly gripped the sides of her face and kissed her forcefully, taking her by surprise. He pushed his tongue in her mouth, tasting himself on every corner of it and another groan left his throat. He broke the kiss, licking his lips, her flustered face making his shaft twitch.

      “You almost made me fucking cum.” With sudden moves, he picked her up from the floor and slammed her against the mattress, hovering over her. “And as much as I would have loved that, I would rather do it inside you.” Changbin whispered in her ear, hand ghosting over her clothed heat.

      Tracing two fingers over her panties, he bit his lip at the feeling of the dampened cloth. His mouth was leaving marks around her collarbones. 

      Moving the material of her panties out of the way he circled her entrance a few times, enjoying how wet she was, before pushing a finger in. Y/N’s back arched dramatically at the not so sudden fullness, a loud moan escaping past her lips.

      “Binnie, please! Just fuck me.” Her voice came out more desperate than she intended to. 

      Her breath was laboured as she was gripping the sheets trying not to move. She wanted to cum around him, not his fingers. 

      Changbin was watching, amazed by the ethereal sight in front of him. Her fucked out expression from just one of his fingers had his shaft twitching.

      “Are you sure you ca…”

      “Fuck, yes! Please, let me feel you!”

      He hurriedly removed his finger from her entrance and shoved it in his mouth, moaning in satisfaction at her sweet taste. He hooked his fingers on the hem of her panties before taking them off and throwing it somewhere in the room. Positioning himself between her legs, he used one hand to rub his erection on her dripping heat. Y/N moaned when his tip came in contact with her clit and bucked her hips to meet his.

      Changbin held her right hand with his left one and used his right one to position his cock at her entrance. He pushed in slowly his girth, stretching her out deliciously. Both of them moaned at the same time when he bottomed inside of her.

      He stilled his movement giving her time to adjust and occupied his mouth with leaving kisses on her neck. A few moments later, Y/N squeezed his hand that was holding her’s, a signal that he can start moving. He bit her neck one last time before beginning to move his hips.

      His thrusts were deep and slow, almost too slow. It was as if he was afraid to break her, even though he has done it so many times in the past. His mouth found her’s and he kissed her. A passionate kiss, and for a second, it was as if he was confessing his love to her over again.

      A particular deep thrust had her breaking the kiss and moaning loudly. Throwing her legs around his waist and crossing them, she looked him in the eyes.

      “Faster!” Her walls clenched around him as the words left her mouth.

      Changbin threw his head back at the feeling. He held her other hand as well and brought both of them over her head, propping himself better on the bed.

      “Fuck. You are so tight for me, babe.” He murmured, lips close to her ear. “I love you so much!”

      Hips thrusting faster, he bit the shell of her ear and groaned at the newfound vigour of his moves. Y/N’s mouth fell agape and she intertwined their fingers. She loved it when Changbin was soft. As much as she loved when he was ruining her, slow sex always felt different. As if they were connecting with each other on more levels than just the physical. 

      A moan, loud enough to be heard by their neighbours, left her mouth when Changbin hit her g-spot. She felt a knot forming in her stomach with each of his thrusts and she was unable to keep her voice down anymore.

      “You are clenching around me so much.” Changbin’s voice was an octave lower than usual. “Are you close babe?” One of his hands let go of hers and connected with her clit rubbing the bundle of nerves slowly.

      Y/N nodded eagerly not trusting her voice at that moment.

      “Me too. I’m going to fill you up with my cum.” He presented his intention and her cunt clenched involuntarily around him. “Would you like that? Being full with my babies?” Changbin bit his bottom lip at the thought. “Fuck. You’ll look so good pregnant with my child.”

      His thrusts got just a tab bit faster and his ministration on her clit were messy and rapid. He was chasing his high and helping her reach her’s.

      “I love you!” He whispered in her ear and that was the last straw.

      Her walls were clenching uncontrollably around him and the knot in her stomach broke sending her over the edge. Changbin continued to rub her clit helping her ride her high. 

      A string of ‘I love you’s left his mouth as he buried himself deep inside her. He orgasmed, his cum coming out in long spurts painting her walls. He continued to rut inside of her for a few moments before he finally stopping.

      The room was filled with the smell of sex and the only sound audible was their laboured breaths. Changbin pulled out of her and rolled into his side hugging her close to him. His hand travelled from her cheek to her sides finally stopping on her stomach.

      A smile somewhat sad appeared on her face before placing her hand over his.

      “You know I can’t get pregnant now.” Her voice soft as if she was trying to explain something to a kid.

      He sighed deeply. “I know.” He looked her in the eyes before placing a small kiss to her forehead. “Maybe one day.”

[kim-bobbae]

88. “I’ll see you later.”

This is legit the first gif I’ve EVER made in my life cos I couldn’t find one of Jay looking hot bothered...like mad kinda bothered. Haha. I swear the only reason why I enjoy writing angst is so I can imagine Jay looking hot and shit (is that normal? am I weird??). But he’s such an angel... Like what in the world could he possibly be mad at his girl about??? I know the flow for this one is pretty similar to what I just posted recently, but it’s been in my drafts for a hot minute so I hope y’all enjoy this one nonetheless!

“I’m sorry. Can we please talk?” 

You sighed for what felt like the hundredth time of the day, burying your face in your hands as you threw you phone aside, already expecting Jay to ignore your texts again. It’s been two days since you’ve last seen or spoke to him, and the fact that you were going to see him at work in a few hours amidst the silent treatment was already making you dread it. 

The thing about Jay was that he wasn’t really one to get angry at anyone but when he did, he’d rather cool off alone while you, on the other hand, preferred to iron things out there and then. Then again, despite the little squabbles over the two years that the both of you had been together, there hasn’t been any particularly huge fight…until your dumbass decided that it was a great idea to get yourself drunk as fuck in front of your boyfriend and his colleagues while they performed at the club that you and your friends were drinking at, that is. 

“We can’t dare you to go up there and make out with him, can we?” Your best friend challenged, downing another shot. 

“C’mon, what do you think?” You replied, shrugging her off. 

“Then it’s no fun, why are we even here if we can’t dare you and Jay to do shit!” Another chimed in. 

Your friends were in town for a few days and having not met them for a few years since your graduation in London, you took the opportunity to take them out for dinner where one of them suggested a round of drinks after. Jay who had been scheduled to perform at Soap then offered to book you guys a table and here you guys were, wilding it out on a Friday night with a game of truth or dare after having a shot too many. 

From making out to dancing with strangers, your friends were definitely taking this game more seriously than you had expected them to, especially when you were pretty bad with alcohol yourself and had to down shots one after another when none of their dares for you even seemed logical. Sure, they had toned it down taking into consideration that you were attached hence sparing you from going up to random dudes on the dance floor, but with how some of their ideas were literally out of this world, you were left with no choice but to drink continuously and very soon you were more drunk than you’d like to be. 

“Well, he felt bad that he couldn’t join us so he tried to make up for it. Plus points for a VIP table, no?” You tried reasoning. 

While you tried to be a good sport and answered some of their prying questions about your relationship with your superstar boyfriend, some were inevitably too personal to be answered – not that you really minded, but you were pretty sure Jay wouldn’t be too pleased if you were to spill the beans on your sex life. You were thus left with no choice but to chug shots after shots and in no time, you were too intoxicated for your own good. 

At this point, your vision was a blur and you could literally hear your heart throbbing in sync with the bass of the music playing in the background. Yet, your last bit of consciousness managed to miraculously bring you and your friends to the dance floor. Jay’s voice in the distance as he performed had your body automatically grooving to the music, a stupid drunk smile plastered on your face as you threw your hands up and moved your hips without caring about how ridiculous you looked at this point. 

Egged on by your friends who were in no better states of mind than you were, everything about that situation got you more excited…except you weren’t the only one as a man who had been dancing near you came up close behind you, his hands very enthusiastically helping themselves to the curves on your body as he grinded against your ass. 

You weren’t sober enough to make sense of the situation and it wasn’t until you felt his hands tug at the hem of your blouse did you snap your head up, catching a glimpse of a very unamused Jay through the slits of neon lights in your hazy vision did you finally realize what was going on and the next thing you knew, you remembered being pulled out of the club, the rest a distant memory. 

You debated on the idea of turning up at the office a little earlier in hopes of at least speaking to Jay before the photoshoot and despite the several ‘what if’s, you decided to do just that because no, you wouldn’t be able to just turn up to work, putting on makeup and doing his hair in front of everyone else, pretending that everything was perfectly fine between the both of you. 

A tray of coffee in hand, you knocked on the door to the meeting room where Jay and some of the guys were chilling, taking a deep breath before you entered the room. 

“Hey,” You started, glancing briefly at Jay – to which he looked right back at you – before smiling at Kiseok and Wegun. 

“How are you?” Wegun greeted you, a warm smile on his face as usual. “What brings you here?” 

“Jay has a magazine shoot in a bit, thought I’d just drop by with some coffee since it’s been a while since I last spoke to you guys,” You replied. 

“Well you could’ve spoken to them after the show that day if Dukhwa didn’t have to drag you out of the club,” Jay spoke, his expressionless gaze on you unwavering. 

You sighed, “Do you mind if we talk outside for a second?” 

Sensing the tension in the air, Kiseok whispered at him to cut it out but to no avail as Jay ignored your request and continued, “Did you really have to get yourself in that mess while I was performing? What were you thinking?” 

You bit your lip, lowering your head in embarrassment as Jay literally lectured you in front of his colleagues. Yet, the fact that he had decided to have this conversation in front of them angered you for a bit. Sure, you screwed up, but did you really deserve to be humiliated in front of them yet again after what they had witnessed at the club two days ago? What was he even trying to prove? 

“…we’ll leave you guys to talk,” Wegun spoke, signalling at Kiseok and getting up from his seat. 

“It’s fine, there’s no point if he’s just going to be like that,” You interrupted, then stalked out of the room. 

You were just trying to be professional about it, hoping to resolve the feud before you guys had to face each other at work because like it or not, despite the perks that came with dating and working together, it was times like these that truly made you wish you didn’t have to see him at work. 

It ticked you off even more realizing that the entire situation had only snowballed purely because he was being such a kid about calling you out in front of his colleagues for it. They were, after all, your coworkers too and his petty tantrums were completely uncalled for. 

Needless to say, you were fuming throughout the shoot. You tried your best to keep your composure as you did his makeup, though the rest of the staff had noticed that you were quieter than usual and that you had refused any eye contact with Jay throughout the whole time you were getting him ready for the shoot. With the little saga earlier at the office being your first time on the receiving end of Jay’s hostility, you wanted nothing more than to be done with the shoot without any more drama. 

This being the longest you guys have gone without speaking to each other despite being in the same space had Jay feeling a little conscious of you by now, sneaking glances at you from time to time. He’d watch the way you’d squint at the monitor as you observed the pictures carefully, then step in to put strands of his hair back in place every now and then. Your jaw was clenched the entire time, face void of any expression compared to your usual chipper self that he was used to seeing and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t beginning to regret what he started earlier. 

“You okay?” He whispered as you dabbed the beauty blender under his eyes. 

You ignored him, exhaling deeply as you finished off with some loose powder. 

“Ji Eun.” 

“I don’t wanna talk. Not now. Not after I tried to resolve this earlier this morning and especially not after the shit you pulled on me.” You fired back at him in a hushed whisper, then turned your back against him as you walked back behind the camera. 

He sighed, then briefly stretched his neck and went right back to work – not without glancing at you once more. Jay being a natural in front of the camera as always thankfully allowed the shoot to wrap up in a few short hours and you couldn’t be more relieved to retreat back into the dressing room, away from Jay’s piercing gazes but the respite was short lived as Jay cracked the door open slowly, the both of you making the first brief second of eye contact in the several hours of the shoot before you looked away and started packing up. 

“Let me help you with that,” He said, walking towards you. 

You didn’t reply, putting away the brushes and palettes. 

“Babe-” 

“What?” 

He pressed his lips together, slightly taken aback by your little outburst before gesturing for you to hand him the bags in your hands. 

“Don’t lecture me in front of your colleagues then pull a sweet boyfriend shit after. Make up your fucking mind,” You said. 

“I don’t know what got into my mind this morning…” He trailed, his gaze on you softening as he watched how tears were beginning to well up in your eyes. 

You didn’t even know why you were crying. You were mad, so mad, but you hated how weak you were for him every damn time. 

You looked away, tilting your head back in an attempt to stop the tears. The last thing you wanted was to cry in front him. As much as you were upset, your screw up had started this whole mess and you knew very well that he’d feel that much worse if he was the reason for your tears. 

“I’m sorry,” He apologized, grabbing your hand to get you to look at him. 

“I tried resolving this nicely, texted you, and turned up earlier at work to apologize but you decided to be a dick about it. Yes, I fucked up. But no, I don’t deserve this,” You told him, shrugging his hand off as you busied yourself packing, tears blurring your vision by now as they rolled down your cheeks. 

“Hey c’mon,” He said, hands on your shoulders as he spun you around to face him then cupped your face, wiping away at your tears with his thumb. “Don’t cry...”

“I just wanted to talk. I don’t want to fight,” You told him, your voice coming out as a soft whisper. 

“Me neither.” 

He watched as you simply looked up at him, resignation evident in your bloodshot eyes and he leaned in to bring his lips to yours, desperate to draw a reaction – anything – from you to be reassured that everything was going to be okay. There he was, thinking he could diffuse the situation with a few sweet kisses after being an absolute asshole and you hated that it was working. 

You hated that you knew this was exactly how he was going to salvage the situation, as with all your other fights, yet here you were, kissing him like he didn’t piss the hell out of you just hours ago, as if he had not ignored your fifty calls and text messages over the past forty-eight hours. 

This wasn’t just an argument of who should be doing the dishes, nor about the time you turned up half an hour late to a date that he had painstakingly squeezed amidst his busy schedule all because you couldn’t find that one dress you were looking for and refused to wear anything else and you hated that despite the gravity of the situation, it didn’t take much for you to succumb to his sweet gestures. 

You pulled away as soon as he you felt his tongue pressing against your lips and he looked at you, a mix of worry and disappointment in his eyes. 

“I have to go,” You told him, gathering your belongings. 

“Don’t-” 

“I have another schedule to attend to, Wonjae’s shoot starts in two hours,” You explained. 

“I’ll pick you up from work.” 

“You don’t have to.” 

“I want to,” He said immediately, and the way you silently looked at him with an unreadable expression frustrated him to no end. 

He held your gaze with his own and for a while the both of you just stayed like that, his deep brown eyes pleading with yours for any form of reassurance and in all honesty, that was enough for you to want to put this all behind so that you guys could finally go back to having pizza on the couch and cuddling to sleep. 

You pressed your lips into tight line, giving him a small smile before you picked up your bags and walked right past him. 

“I’ll see you later,” He whispered, reaching his hand out to hold yours. 

And the little squeeze you gave in response before walking out of the room was just what he needed to hold up until he could see you again that night.

[silentprincess17]

Sometimes Things Have to Get Worse Before They Get Better

This is essentially a darker, heavier alternate take on Memory #7 - Blades of the Yiga. I wanted to write a fic with a competent Yiga Clan. (Yes you read that right). It is very angsty in the beginning and then becomes fluffy (hence the title!)

Summary: Link and Zelda have returned from Vah Naboris with Urbosa and have spent the night in Kara Kara Bazaar Inn. Link wakes up and finds her missing.

Cue the angst.

This story is complete and I will post each chapter daily on here but you can read the whole thing on AO3

Rating: Mature (Graphic descriptions of violence) Pairing: Link/Zelda (Zelink) Characters: Link, Zelda, The Yiga Clan, Master Kohga

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6

Chapter 7: Dawn of the Second Day

TW: Huge wounds, massive haemorrhage (a lot of blood loss yes I am a medic geek) and pain. Also Nintendo owns Legend of Zelda and some of the dialogue used. Please don't sue me.

This time, they teleported in, grabbed him, and teleported out.

Zelda screamed his name, but it got lost in the vortex of red paper slips, as he felt his insides split apart and then reform.

He was glad though. Incredibly glad that they’d taken him and not his Princess. He ended up on the floor, in the big arena that wasn’t an arena and he coughed, trying to get the sand out of his mouth, and eyes.

He heard Zelda shouting for him, and it suddenly hit him-this was it. The perfect opportunity. He could try and get her out. He was outside Hylia above!

And just as he thought that, four giant metal clamps locked onto his limbs. And that same cursed red glowing thing was applied so he couldn’t move. He swore at them but stopped struggling. He would have to bide his time, he already felt a little weak from not eating for three days, so every store of energy was precious right now. He had to wait for the perfect opportunity and then unleash it all.

He took a moment to try and calm down. Think things through. He was outside the cell, that was better than being inside. He just had to be observant and careful. He started by trying to determine what their motive was, but he wasn’t sure what was happening. Why had they decided to take him out, if they were only going to restrain him down again?

He looked up, at least they hadn’t clamped his neck. And then a… well. There was no polite way to think of him, if Link was being honest. And frankly, being polite was really quite low down in his list of concerns at the minute.

The Yiga Clan were... normally, at least, easily categorisable. All the Yiga Foot soldiers were thin, agile, capable of moving at lightning speed with their teleportation. The Blademasters were by comparison much larger, and they wielded the more powerful windcleaver. And now he knew of the researchers, but they looked a lot like the Foot soldiers, just with a red lab coat on.

This man… although dressed as a Yiga, didn’t match one of the above categories. He was, well, fat. He had a huge abdomen, which Link didn’t really see working in a fight, either with a sickle or a windcleaver and he was confused really. It was the most bizarre thing he’d seen since arriving.

Link wondered if the lack of food was getting to him.

“Yeah, IT'S YOU! You're that Link guy I've been looking for! And the Princess of course but she’s BORING."

Uh… what? This guy had been… looking… for him? Not to sound egoistical, but wasn’t it really obvious who he was? He literally wore bright blue and had the Master Sword strapped to his back. Admittedly, he didn’t have those two things right now but…

"I need to bust out my serious moves... A secret technique taught by my mother's father! It will...destroy you!"

Uh yeah. It probably would do that because Link was currently strapped to the floor with no weapons. So, whatever this guy chose to do, it would, in all likelihood, work by default.

“Release him from the magnesis bonds! NO WAIT! I need to finish my speech first!”

This man was starting to get on Link’s nerves, like a bratty child who wanted a sweet. But he just said to release his bonds. Yes, if that happened, he would destroy them all, steal all their weapons, physically break down those bars, rescue his Princess and then hightail it out of the desert. So, he would remain calm. Collected. And not think of what happened yesterday.

“Now. Hero of Hyrule. I will DUEL you. So someone told someone who told someone yada yada yada that I should give you a fair chance, and something testing something Princess, I'm not sure, I fell asleep half-way through, so here we are. Of course, you’re a KNIGHT so I assume you know what a DUEL is!"

Link remained silent. He figured it probably wouldn't work in his favour if he started to laugh.

"You know, your silence really is unnerving. ANYWAY, I will fight with my chosen weapons, and you will be provided with a Duplex Bow, ten arrows, a Vicious Sickle and a Windcleaver. A very generous selection, in my opinion. If you defeat me, I will allow you to walk away.” Link’s eyes widened. “YES, WALK AWAYYY!” He laughed, “I won’t kill you to DEATH! Even-if-that's-what-I-really-want-can-you-imagine-being-named-Top-Banana-Of-The-Yiga-Clan-comma-Slayer-Of-The-Hero!”

Okay yeah, there was clearly something wrong with this guy, but Link focussed on the important parts. A Duel. Of which the outcome would be freedom. But. He hadn’t mentioned Zelda. No matter, Link would be a fool not to accept. He’d defeat this fat lug and then Kill. Them. All.

And those Blademasters that had stood on that cursed table? He’d make sure to find his sword and would ensure they suffered a slow, prolonged death. But first, he’d win, take Zelda to the Castle where she’d be safe, and then he’d come back. And exterminate them like the rats they were.

He nodded.

They dropped the connection, freeing him, and he didn’t try anything. Not yet anyway. Once they gave him weapons though, Link would forgo whatever pact he’d made with this man. This didn’t count as an honourable situation anyway, this wasn’t a duel between Knights, it was a duel between captor and captee.

What he hadn’t been expecting, was the fat man to throw a small capsule in the middle of the hole, and the capsule didn’t fall, no, it hovered in place. And the outlines of a dome formed, it extended from the centre of the seemingly bottom-less hole and spread out to include a small ring of sand around said hole. All of a sudden, sound seemed to stop coming through, and he could barely hear Zelda, although maybe she’d come to realise it was futile and had gone quiet.

The capsule made a clicking noise, like an activation of something, and then a burst of red light cascaded from it, down the dome, forming a crimson-lined grid along the surface, almost like red electricity was crawling along the lines. They connected to metal ridges that Link hadn’t even noticed in the sand. He swallowed. He knew, instinctively, that he wouldn’t be able to escape. He wouldn’t be able to get out. Because it was the same thing that had trapped him in those cuffs.

It would have to be honourable. By default.

Still, Link wasn’t feeling that scared. If the fat man wanted a duel, Link would give it to him.

“In the name of Calamity Ganon!” He pranced around, shimmying from one foot to the other. "That's what you say when you start a DUEL right?!"

Link decided to ignore him, and simply looked over to where he thought the Princess was, the red light made it hard to see. “In the name of Princess Zelda Bosphoramus Hyrule, my charge, my liege… my Princess.” And his heart whispered one more thing, my soulmate.

It had started out well enough, the man simply summoned rocks at him, not unlike an octorok, but these ones were considerably larger, with a glowing upside down Sheikah eye on them. Still, he dispatched the obnoxious man in quick time, shooting a well-timed arrow into his head, and then jumping in bullet-time to attack with the sickle.

And then the fat man got angry, stamping his foot into the ground like a child having a tantrum. He moved to hover on top of the hole, and this time he had a blue barrier. Link had wasted one arrow hitting it, only for it to bounce right off. Useless. And there was no way for Link to jump in, seeing as he was without his paraglider and he'd fall down anyway, not sideways to the centre of the abyss where the man was.

So, he bid his time, going as far back as possible and decided to just observe the attack. He remained calm, although for some reason he was a little more flustered than he ordinarily was. Perhaps because the Princess’s safety relied on this fight. Yes, that wasn’t an unusual occurrence, but normally, she’d be hidden, well-protected, should anything go wrong with him. This time… If he failed, then who knew what the consequences would be.

He refocussed, the next move simply involved two rocks hovering horizontally and then vertically to the man, where his barrier faulted for a split second, just before he chucked them at Link. It was easy enough to dodge, and now Link knew what to do. He simply hit the man when the barrier was down, and the Yiga lost control of the rocks, so they hit him instead. After another couple of rounds, where Link looked worryingly at his meagre five remaining arrows, another tantrum fest occurred, this time jumping up and down with one foot whilst floating. Link rubbed his eyes in case he was hallucinating. No, he wasn’t.

And that is where everything went wrong.

The man was now using that accursed red thing to move a giant metal ball at him. The ball had spikes. Huge ones at that. And despite Link keeping his eyes trained on the man, his barrier did not fall. Not once.

Crap.

How?! How could the Yiga mentally control metal?! How was he supposed to defeat him now?

The spiked sphere continued to crawl after him, a slow and steady reminder of what was coming. Link was trying hard not to panic. What else could he do? He didn’t have any of his other weapons. He didn’t have shock arrows. He didn’t have his bomb bag. Maybe he could parry the sphere? But he didn’t have a shield either. He cried, almost, thinking back to his prized Hylian shield sitting in the Inn at Kara Kara Bazaar.

What else what else what else

He knew one thing for certain though. He wouldn’t be able to keep up running forever. Not as weak as he currently was from all the stresses over the past two days and the lack of food. Yes, the sphere moved slowly. But it moved. And eventually he would tire.

The man took back the sphere and Link aimed, hoping his barrier would come down for one second, but no. All he did was pause before sending the sphere. Straight. Back. At. Him.

Goddesses above he wouldn’t last.

Was this his true Hero trial?

Was this how he would die?

He decided to try to use the windcleaver to generate some gush of air that would what? Move the giant ball? He was crazy enough to at least attempt because what else could he do? None of his weapons would even reach the man, even if he chucked them, let alone penetrate the seemingly solid blue barrier.

He ran to the edge of the dome, hoping to be a little out of the ball's range to give him some breathing room should this go wrong, but he had no such luck, because it came, hard and fast for him. He waited until it came close then swung the blade down and tried to repel it.

It obviously failed; no colossal, incredibly heavy, metallic sphere was going to shift with the mere power of air.

Belatedly, he realised that the fat man could afford to be fat. Who was going to hurt him if he could levitate himself out into a pit of no end so there was no hope of reaching him, put up a barrier that you had no hope of penetrating, trap you in a hemisphere so you were effectively at his mercy and was armed with a deadly weapon only he could control?

Link only had just about enough time to turn, for his fingers to hit the dome, before the spikes rammed into his back and Link heard himself scream.

He was used to pain, he thought distantly. He’d hurt himself so many times, from climbing accidents, to training mishaps, to when he’d first started fighting monsters, especially those Goddess damned Lynel swords, oh, wait, no, the crushers were worse.

But he’d never had enormous sharp cones ram into his back, upper thigh and calves, all at once. He was effectively pinned against the dome. And then the ball was pulled out, and shoved right back in.

And again.

And again.

And then for flavour, the fat man shifted it just to the right, so now his wounds grew and grew, until he was slowly ripped apart, until the only thing actually holding him upright was the metal sphere.

Link lost track of everything. He’d never felt so humiliated, so weak.

He’d never lost a fight.

What would happen now? What would happen to him and Zelda?

He felt wet, lethargic and so, so heavy. Which struck him as odd, especially considering he’d probably lost a lot of blood. Shouldn’t he be light?

Little spots of blackness coated his vision, somehow he blinked and he was on the floor, on his knees, the dome gone, his hands shaking trying to hold himself up. His blood rushed through his ears, thundering too loudly, and everything else was muted, muffled, and he could no longer focus properly.

"-oga! Did you se- I did i-"

Link must have blacked out again, because the next thing he knew he was being hauled by his armpits back into the cell, and his injuries were stretched even more, and Link screeched in pain. He was so far gone it was silent, and he lost consciousness yet again, because he practically fell on top of Zelda, landing on his front, in her arms. She was shaking, maybe? Or was it him? Probably him, but he couldn’t tell, and he heard her furiously mutter under her breath about hypo-something shock, but really, he was barely holding onto the few remaining threads of consciousness he had.

“Link?” She sounded frightened, but he couldn’t bring himself to respond. Instead, when he opened his mouth, he coughed up an alarming amount of blood. He felt some of it dribble down his chin and he heard her half scream in response.

“LINK! No! In - name of Hylia st- with me! Link!” She gently held his head in her hands, his head rolling in her hold because he'd now lost what little control he had over his muscles. He focussed on the softness of her touch, and how it contrasted so deeply to the agony that he was in, although everything was dulled around the edges right now, probably from the blood loss. He stared at the growing pool of bright crimson around them, it seemed to be coming from everywhere. Like he was a dam that had suffered too many hits and now all the water was leaking through. That wasn’t that far from the truth to be fair.

“Zel-” He tried to say something, to reassure her that he would fight to stay awake. But it ended in another, harsher, coughing fit, and it felt like Daruk had grasped his chest in his hands and squeezed. Dear Goddesses, he felt his vision start to fade again, it was already half faded, in all honesty. And it scared him, because this wasn't the same blackness he'd had after being knocked cold from a fight. This was darker, more permeating. It felt... more permanent.

She cried, and it pained him to see her tears for him, but the blackness forced its way upon him, and he slowly closed his eyes, trying his hardest not to give in, but even from the start he knew it was a losing battle. Vaguely he wondered if the sword would remember him. He wondered what would happen to his family, to Hyrule, to her, if there was no Hero for the Calamity. He wondered, if he'd had more time, more courage, if he and Zelda could have-

She cradled his head in her arms, gently brushing his matted hair away from his forehead, and he allowed himself a final deep breath, for her lavender to imprint in his mind one last time.

Link was not... scared of death. He knew it was inevitable, and there was a significant probability of him dying, either in the line of duty to the Crown, or against the Calamity, his destiny-chosen battle. But... he was scared now. He was scared of what the consequences of him dying meant. Her verdant eyes stared at him, and she was saying something but he could no longer hear. She was his biggest regret, he couldn't stomach leaving her, here and now, because who knew what horrors would await her once he left. So much guilt, so much shame, so much despair hit him, in the final moment but there was nothing left to he done. He tried to convey that to her, through his gaze, that he was sorry, for not being enough, for not doing enough, for failing to get her out of here- the list continued, but he was rapidly losing what little control he had left, and he felt his eyes glaze over. He’d seen enough death to know where he stood. Because everything ached, he felt increasingly weaker, and his breathing grew progressively more ragged, as stabs of pain shot up his ribs for every centimetre he inhaled in.

He gasped for air, one final time, trying to commit her to his memory, and that seemed to be the very last assault his body could handle. Because within seconds he lost all sense of the world, his final thought was of his silent princess, and of a lullaby, that would forever haunt him till the end of time.

[opbackgrounds]

So I read the Ace Novel (Part 2)

I’m going to be level with you, if I hadn’t said I was going to do a write up for the novel, I don’t think I would have finished this one. The first fifty or so pages are terribly boring, and while it picks up considerably toward the end, I don’t think I can recommend it, for one reason and one reason only:

It reads like a freaking wikipedia article. And I hate it. 

I described Part 1 of the Ace novel like three separate one shots with the barest hint of continuity between them. That’s not the case this time around, as most of what it covers are events mentioned in the manga: The fight with Jinbe, Ace’s 100 battles with Whitebeard, Ace formally joining the Whitebeard Pirates. Comparatively speaking, that’s a lot of canon material to get through. Consequently, it’s also quite a bit longer than Part 1, about 200 pages. 

(some of those pages happen to be longer than others)

(yes this made me literally laugh out loud)

The problem is there is a metic ton of manga recap that has nothing to do with this novel, especially in chapters 1 and 2. This was baffling to me, as it seems unlikely that someone would pick up a One Piece magazine (where the novel was originally published) or a One Piece side story without bing familiar with the manga. Yet concepts like the Four Emperors, Celestial Dragons, and even the Grand Line were laid out in meticulous detail.

I am going to be unfair for a moment and compare the Ace novels to my favorite spin-off series of all time, the Kyoshi duology that takes place in the Avatar universe. 

Unlike the Ace novels, they take place several centuries before the main series, so there aren’t a lot of plot details that overlap with the animated series in the way the Ace novels do to the main manga. What is in common, however, isn’t repeated. Nowhere in the two Kyoshi books does she learn the story about Avatar Wan or any of the same lore details that are important to Aang and Korra’s stories. Instead it expands on the world building details laid out in the main series and deepens them. 

For example, do you want to know how the Fire Nation royalty got so good at lightning bending, or how the greater Earth Kingdom political landscape works? Read book 1. Do you want to know how the Fire Nation went from a fractured clan system to a strong centralized government or how advanced water bending healing techniques work? Read book 2. It’s exposition that fleshes out the system already in place, rather than retreading what’s already been established. 

Part 2 of the Ace novel does this a little bit when it develops the Pirate Code, something that has never mentioned in the manga, and even if it was Luffy’s not the sort of character that’s going to care to adhere to it. The strongest portion of the novel shows Ace going out on a mission on Whitebeard’s behalf, showing some of what it’s like to maintain the vast territories that he keeps under his flag.

But mostly...mostly it’s just recap. Literally the entire Fishman Island backstory is written out in some of the blandest narration I’ve ever read, paragraphs upon paragraphs talking about Queen Otohime and Fisher Tiger and the civil unrest of the Ryugu Kingdom, including but not limited to Vander Decken stalking Shirahoshi and her subsequent imprisonment in the royal tower. 

There’s also the wholesale recycling of gags straight from the manga that 1) don’t necessarily work as well in written format, and 2) show no originality or creativity on the part of the author. In my opinion, recurring gags are funniest when a writer can contrive different variations and circumstances around the base joke. Instead we get scenes like this beat-for-beat copy of Ace’s narcolepsy gag in Alabasta, down to using the waitress’s skirt as a napkin

I noticed in Part 1 that the author had snuck some canon elements in, such as Deuce and Ace building Striker—the one man, fire-powered boat he showed off in Alabasta—when I personally didn’t think either of them were smart enough to think up, let alone construct, anything that sophisticated. I didn’t mention it in my previous write up because there are a lot of fans that enjoy those kind of Easter eggs, and it’s a novel that runs on manga logic so it’s not exactly breaking my suspension of disbelief either. It was a minor quibble that didn’t really detract from my overall enjoyment. 

But the story of Fishman Island is at best tangentially related to the events of the novel. The only reason Fishman Island is important at all is because Ace decides to burn down Whitebeard’s flag on his way into the New World. 

Which brings me to perhaps the most interesting aspect of the novel: Ace himself. 

Even in the manga, you can make the case that there are two Aces, the happy-go-lucky, cool, and mysterious older brother of Luffy seen at Alabasta/post-Enies Lobby, and the angsty, existentially depressed young man with daddy issues that shows up during Impel Down/Marineford. 

The novel leans much closer to the latter. More than I expected it to. The Ace of Part 2 is hotheaded and a bit of a jackass. Whereas Luffy tends to go after people he has a personal beef with, Ace specifically targets Whitebeard because he was the closest to Roger, and he thinks that defeating Whitebeard will somehow bring him fame greater than his father. He ignores the concerns of his crew and the repeated warnings about how Emperors control vast armies...because of daddy issues. The novel goes out of his way that Ace’s dreams made him better suited to be a Revolutionary than a pirate, and it’s only because of his childhood promise that he became a pirate at all. It wasn’t something born out of true conviction or desire.

Laying it out like that, it might seem like this is a negative, but to me it’s one of the most interesting things the novel has to offer. I thought Part 1 worked best when it acted as a character study for Deuce, Ace, and the marine girl whose name I have already forgotten, focusing on how Ace brought together degenerates unwanted by even other degenerates. The same is true here: Once the exposition dumps are over and the focus returns to the titular character, the author is able to dig a little bit deeper into into Ace’s psyche, and he takes it in a direction I didn’t expect, but was consistent with his manga portrayal. 

I just wish I could have seen a little bit more of it. 

And speaking of characters I wish I had seen more of, after focusing so much on Deuce and Marine Girl in Part 1, they have a much reduced role in Part 2. In fact, Marine Girl isn’t seen or mentioned even once, which I thought was kind of strange. I guess I don’t see the point in putting so much effort was put into her only for her to be thrown away without even a cameo. Likewise, after spending Part 1 as the principal POV character, Deuce is set aside for Thatch and Teach. Whether that’s a good or bad thing will depend largely on how much you enjoy those individual characters. 

I don’t say this often, but these are books that can be judged by their covers. Part 1, Ace is more jovial—the burning flame that attracts others to his greatness—while introducing two major new characters to his journey. Part 2, Ace is grim and angry—the dark, smoldering flame burning with the desire to destroy the system that would have killed him for being the wrong man’s son—while focusing much more on the Whitebeard Pirates and what makes them great. 

It’s an interesting contrast, the two sides of Ace’s character as seen in the manga given a little bit of limelight. But damn if it wasn’t tedious to get through. 

[warsmith-38]

How I would do RWBY Pt. 0

Disclaimer: It is easier to improve what already exist than it is to create something new. Boy howdy do I know that. That being said, I believe that RWBY has more than its fair share of flaws and this is how I would do it differently if I was behind the reigns. This is just a collection of my opinions and ideas which in the end will probably amount to nothing. I felt the need to do this because my brain just decided ‘nah motherfucker, you ain’t thinking of anything else from now on’ and this is the end result for nothing else would satisfy my rage.

I wouldn’t quite call this a complete re-haul, but more rather a rework with some of my own brand of polish. It’s not a compete rebuild from the ground up in a different world with different concepts and themes, but how I would go about a second go around with the series from the base that is already there. If a detail is missing from my musings then assume it is either unchanged or removed, depending on context.

If some of my complaints were addressed after I stopped watching, I honestly don’t much care. If it takes longer than 4 seasons to fix what I view as fundamental problems, then it’s far too little too late for me. I paid scant attention to the series post my stopping point and liked little to none of what I saw.

Please do not take this as a specific attack on anything other than the writing of the show itself. This is not directed or targeted against anyone, regardless of position or feelings on the topic at hand. If you ignore what I just said and decide to take this as an insult, then I say that you need to be more self-secure in your tastes and interests.

Things I would remove + reason why

Silver eyed warriors as a concept- it’s more or less the same concept as dojutsu from Naruto. It’s the fucking sharingan (rubygan). It’s not quite chosen one level, but crap like this is the blight of good protagonists. It’s fucking eugenics that makes you awesome not your own skills or training but on your bloodline. No need for personal development or life-changing hardship when you have a built in power that can be cultivated like a fucking bumper crop.

Maidens- Wasn’t intended originally and only made the overall story more cluttered with power creep and plot device. It’s a similar problem as above. No need for training or anything if people can just kill the person who has the power currently and take if from them. Which, at that point, why do you want that power if you’re already strong enough to kill and take it from the person who has it to begin with? It’s something someone just shouted out and they rolled with it because it sounded cool in the moment.

The Relics- McGuffin dragonballs that serve as plot device and little else. A story can be told without needing to monotonously race for Excalibur or the holy grail. Considering the Maidens, I doubt that the relics were intended in the first place and as such if you can’t tell a story without throwing something in after a few seasons because you realized that you didn’t have a plot, then you’re not that good at telling stories.

Oscar- The show didn’t need more main protagonists when what was already there wasn’t being given enough characterization to begin with. For that matter-

Quite a few characters- The cast is cluttered and convoluted enough as is with seemingly important characters getting the shaft in favor of yet another new character that would barely do anything. Time and effort seems to be put into one-off schmucks that would be better served making the story not need poochie the dog, let alone several. Character integration is not ‘create a character to do one thing and then pretend they don’t exist’. There’s already plenty of characters than can be used wherever.

The overt shipping bait, especially if it’s just going to be taken up or abandoned on a whim- I don’t mean relationship building, I mean the obvious baiting of a relationship that, in the end, might not even happen. All it does is dumb down characters and character arcs, draw out pointless scenes, and make the fans have conniptions one way or another. People are pissed off whenever things don’t go their way with shipping so the only winning move with these people is not to play their game. Looking at you Klance and Zutara. Either don’t do anything or have a fucking plan and stick to it and not make complete swerves when fans get uppity. If it genuinely matters to you, then pretend whatever ship happens at whatever point, I don’t care.

Changes to the world that I think would go over better-

Everyone has a level of aura with a naturally high level generally meaning that they might be able to unlock a semblance. A semblance is unlocked through some sort of specific event, typically a stressful one IE: Yang and Ruby are caught in the woods by grimm and Yang gets frustrated and scared at not being able to defend her sister before getting angry and her rage mode semblance unlocking. Not everyone who unlocks a semblance goes into combat schools but it is a requirement for acceptance into most of them. Having the potential to unlock a semblance seems entirely random but has a higher chance with genetics.

There are two types of semblances: 1 is hereditary like the Schnee glyphs, changing only slightly, if at all, through the generations. 2 is a random personal power like Yang having her rage mode as compared to Raven’s portals. Whichever you get tends to be random with the occasional exception depending on genetics and the specific semblance.

Every 1 in assumedly 10 people who have semblances have the potential to have two semblances, often times, but not necessarily, being one hereditary and one random. The process of unlocking the second semblance involves immense emotional distress and in some cases might not even happen for the individual who has the potential, period, thus skewing data. This gives an enhanced type power but isn’t protagonist exclusive. It shows a higher than average power capacity, but isn’t a gamebreaker to the same level as a fucking kekkei genkai or getting the powers of a fucking demigod. A good amount of characters would only have one semblance and be considerable badasses despite it and even be able to beat a couple of the few that have two.

Establish Menagerie as the official Fifth Kingdom, the newest of the great kingdoms. Maybe not the singularly strongest or most influential, but make it so Menagerie and its people, the faunus, have a considerable role in the world’s affairs, if even from an isolationist standpoint. Don’t have them as even a semi thriving entity that isn’t a kingdom because that only begs the question as to why the kingdoms are so important to begin with then.

Make the White Fang a faunus supremacist group that has very little support, if any, from the faunus people as a whole. Faunus right issues are history for the vast majority of the world and the White Fang as a whole is only using the problems in Atlas with the SDC as a means of trying to gain power. There are actual faunus rights groups trying to make things better for their race in Atlas and other marginalized areas but the White Fang dislikes them on the grounds that they go against their goal and it makes them look even worse.

Fucking pronounce names correctly, I mean, Christ. Weiss, the word, is pronounced like ‘Vice’. It’s an actual fucking word. It’s the German word for white. It’s like saying tor-till-uh not tor-tee-ah. Blake is Bella-doe-nah not Bella-dawn-uh. Shit like that. No you don’t need to put on a heavy accent to say these words but pronouncing things so inaccurately just makes you look like an ignorant rube (no, that was not a pun). I don’t fucking care what your reasons are. Why use these words in the first place if you’re not even going to try to say them right?

Ozpin is order to Salem’s chaos. Ancient demigods of both archetypes vying for power across the ages and the innocent peoples of the world be damned in the crossfire. Neither are entirely good nor evil but both are not exactly helpful to the free peoples on the world and the continued livelihood thereof. Their progenitor god created them to try and guide humanity in a balanced way. That seemed to work at first, but then failed like a bad marriage and they waged war ever since like a bad divorce. The grimm are a creation of Salem’s to test humanity and make then stronger through conflict. Ozpin ranges from the lawman to the fascist fairly duplicitously. The two can only be permanently killed by each other but neither wants to get too close to the other because of that exact same reason. If killed by other means, they will resurrect after a fashion no worse for wear.

Overt changes to (and complaints about) Ruby Rose- It is a crime that the titular character has so little actual character beyond just being ‘Hyperactive Anime Protagonist #235’. Most of her (few) character traits are tell not show, and of course she’s got the fucking rubygan bloodline ability crap. She has next to nothing that isn’t allotted by default to most anime protags on the grounds of the stereotype. For the main character to have less character than any of the members of the fucking B-team is a travesty.

1. Give her a clear rebellious streak, a distinct problem with authority, and a headstrong attitude. Daddy doesn’t want her to be in danger, so she decides to become a huntress. She’s told to stay put, so she hunts down Roman. She’s told that she needs to stay home and recover, so she sets out on her own not thinking about the exact consequences. Make her the impetus for the team’s involvement with the problems of the world in the early seasons. Make her a driving part of the plot, not just being along for the ride or because someone else said so.

2. Give her blood knight tendencies. Make her VERY willing to get into a fight with the bad guys, not just fights in general, but fights against bad guys. Nothing over the top, but enough that she has a scene or three where she says “Shut up bad guy, skip to the part where we get to kick the crap out of you,” or something of that nature. Hyper combative characters are fun and ethical.

3. Give her more traits as a mechanic and weapon nerd. Include scenes of her fixing everyone’s weapons for fun or being able to analyze an opponent’s fighting style based on the type, design, and/or wear & tear of their weapon, make her a polyglot of weapons that can be at least proficient in using just about any weapon. Come to think of it…

4. Anything that could give her actual character traits. They don’t even have to be all that major traits, just give her enough so that we actually have a character with more definition than printer paper. She’s the main character, the titular character at that. This isn’t a video game with a blank-slate protagonist. If the main character isn’t even really a character, like, at all, then what’s the fucking point?

5. Convert silver eyes power into a second semblance for white fire vision that kills grimm like nothing else. Gotten as a hereditary semblance from Summer. Which is also why Summer was specifically targeted by Salem on the grounds that it makes her just a little too dangerous for her long-term plans. This makes it so she isn’t just the fucking chosen one, but still has a clear definitive reason to be involved against the big bad because, y’know, dead mom. Yes, this kinda goes into the whole ‘bloodline is what determines importance’ thing I wanted to be rid of, but it’s only a chance two generations instead of a massive lineage of nonsense and keeps more of the onus of involvement on Ruby herself.

6. Give her a very clear motivation that’s deeper than surface level. ‘Oh, I want to do the right thing’ is a flimsy as balls motivation especially compared to the rest of her team that has that AND an actual reason for thinking that way. Why does she want to be the good guy? What happened in her life that makes her this motivated to doing the right thing? Yang has her desire to find her mother (which, come to think of it, doesn’t necessitate being a good guy), Blake has wanting to make up for being a terrorist, Weiss has her desire to step out from under the shadow of her family’s reputation, even fucking Jaune, the b-team protagonist, who wants to live up to his family reputation, has a proper motivation to be involved in the story. WHY is Ruby involved beyond ‘I’m the main character’ level reasoning? As much as admitting it makes me wish to commit Sudoku, even SAO has better main character motivations. Good god, I need hooch after typing that.

Overt changes to (and complaints about) Yang Xiao-Long- Her arc was mostly fine, barring some of the pacing. Raven being a maiden undercut the message of ‘screw that deadbeat bitch, go to your real family’ by making her important to the overall world state and confirming a measure of later relevance but that’s more a flaw with Raven than Yang.

1. Keep her motivation about getting strong enough to find her mother but add in the clear desire to kick her ass for leaving her and Tai. Of course it’s more about just getting the answers to her questions, but the ass-kicking should also be a major component.

2. Amp up the rivalry between her and Mercury. Mercury was designed as an opposite to Yang, I mean for fuck’s sake, look at him. Consider their respective backstories too; both raised in a single father home yet one was supported and loved (if a little neglected) while the other was horrifyingly maimed and abused. Punch vs kick. It works.

3. Make her more protective of her little sister, explicitly going along with her personal crusade to keep her safe (safer, rather). If she’s supposed to be the good older sister, maybe just maybe, something more than lip-service to that idea should be done. Hell, maybe she can be overprotective like their father, or even the exact opposite, not really giving a shit and then learning to give one. That might lead to a little tension and growth between the two of them.

4. Make her semblance consistent. Is she supposed to have super saiyan rage mode or is it energy buildup and dispersal? Is it supposed to be both? Just make it rage mode, for the sake of fuck, and don’t flip-flop. Speaking of…

5. Give her anger issues. Flesh out her being the kind of gal that would start a fight in a nightclub when she doesn’t get what she needed with little justification. This would stem from abandonment issues from Raven, Summer (inadvertently), and Tai and her general thrill seeking personality. This could lead to tensions and dramas until she overcomes it and learns to use her aggressive feelings and not let them use her.

Overt changes to (and complaints about) Blake Belladonna- Shitty-kitty is shitty, here’s why.

1. Do something with the hypocrisy of being, more or less, princess of Menagerie, a world power albeit a minor one, and joining a band of terrorists that do more harm than good for the people they claim to represent. It’s like a trust-fund baby joining some charity organization in Africa for a few weeks, doing jack-shit to help, joining some jihadists, and then acting like she’s Mahatma Gandhi.

2. Make her arc less about running away and fighting Adam, more about realizing that running is for assholes and try to find her team to at least apologize for cutting and running like she did. Doing that and stopping Adam are not mutually exclusive. The friend thing should be the priority. As it stands she is almost rewarded for abandoning her team just to focus on her own problems.

3. Make her arc involve going from ‘There’s no such thing as pure evil’ to ‘Okay maybe some people are just too evil to work with’. Some people are too far gone and, despite still having good traits, will only ever continue to do evil things and don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone has some sort of good motive beneath the surface and, even then, does that matter when the only action they do is objectively evil? Still, y’know, save who you can, like Ilia.

4. Have Belladonna not actually be her last name. If she’s the daughter of a the chief of Menagerie, the closest thing the faunus have to a unified racial leader, then how the unholy shit does nobody recognize her name? She is, again, princess of Menagerie, yet nobody recognizes the name in a grander context. Have ‘Belladonna’ be a cover name so she can hide her identity better so that she’s using what should be a very recognizable real name in a tournament that is broadcasted worldwide. Her real family name could be “Nightshade” or some shit like that.

5. If she’s supposed to be ‘The quiet one’ maybe actually have her be quiet and not make big speeches every season or have loud arguments with her team. Just a fucking thought. If she’s still supposed to do that, then make her ‘the opinionated one’ or ‘the kind of mean one’ or even ‘the one who doesn’t shut up’. Blake, as seen, or rather heard, is not the quiet one.

6. Have her actually fucking interact with Ruby. Maybe they have a two-person book club. Maybe Blake teaches Ruby to meditate or something. Anything, anything at all would be fine, anything more than nothing at all. Blake’s whole interaction with the team shouldn’t just be through Yang and cursory scenes with Weiss.

Overt changes to (and complaints about) Weiss Schnee- You can’t solve racism with like two scenes.

1. Make the racism thing a much more gradual decay rather than more or less disappearing after a single conversation. Hell, make jokes about it, ‘oh, no, one of my best friends is a faunus,’ stuff. It’s hard to unlearn an upbringing of hate, but she’s trying type stuff.

2. Involve her at least a little with the White Fang plot. It only makes sense that the heiress of the company that still more or less has slave labor is at least semi-involved with the plotline involving terrorists that want that company destroyed. Make her subject to assassination attempts at a young age, or even have her been kidnaped at a young age and held hostage, getting her scar in the process.

3. As evident by some of the intros, her rival was supposed to be Emerald. This could be serviceable, at the very least. The street rat pickpocket that had to learn life lessons the hard way and was taken in by the baddies VS. the rich heiress born with a silver spoon but raised by a dickhead. There’s potential there and it is a crime that it is not explored in the slightest. Even Yang and Mercury had a minor fight.

4. Like Yang, make her semblance consistent. Is it supposed to be summoning or physics altering magic symbols? These are two completely different powers, it’s not like super speed also giving super reflexes or whatever. Just make it one or the other, don’t bullshit us on these things. Or, hell, make it a second semblance she gets during the course of story.

5. Emphasize her loneliness. Make the main onus of her personal arc be about how she goes from this prickly, spoiled, opinionated, brat to a warm and caring friend who only wants the best for everyone. Yes, this might be the main intention in canon, but I feel it could have used a little more refining.

Overt changes to (and complaints about) Cinder Fall- If she’s supposed to be Ruby’s chief rival and foil then she needs a lot of work to even be close. She shouldn’t be nothing but the rival, but at that same time she should have that be a considerable part of her characterization and role in the series. I feel the best way to do it is to have their similarities highlight their differences in both character and design. Basically, make her the Vergil to Ruby’s Dante.

1. Make her Ruby’s age. Being the same age as Ruby while initially outclassing her, and even veteran hunters, provides risk and contrast between the two. Throw in an evil sadistic streak compared to Ruby’s happy-go-lucky personality to further the contrast and you’ve got a good little yin-yang thing for them. It also shows just how bad someone can turn out if raised to be a killing machine.

2. Keep her using the bow/twin swords as a comparably simple weapon in contrast to Ruby’s, even in universe, overcomplicated Scythe/Sniper rifle. Both weapons are long range marksmen’s weapons as well as vicious close combat weapons but are still very different in essence. Also make sure she keeps the red with black and gold color scheme is contrast with Ruby’s Black with red and silver. Even minor visual cues can work to the rival schema.

3. Make her one of the people who have two semblances. Pyromancy (pyrokinesis? Fire bending, she has fire bending) and dilated perception (bullet time) so that Ruby’s super speed and the dilated perception cancel each other out, adding a little extra tension to the fights now that both parties’ signature abilities are moot points against each other.

4. Make her competent. She kills Ozpin and Pyrrha and then she either fails or draws every fucking fight she has afterwards baring nameless jobbers here and there. Even before that, she needed help to take down Amber and even manages to fuck that up. The more failures she has and the less intimidating she is. Too much of that and she’s just a jobber that makes you wonder why she was ever seen as intimidating in the first place. When that happens then Ruby beating her is just the status quo and not a triumph of any sort.

5. Make her Ruby’s long lost fraternal twin sister. Incredibly cliché, I admit, but siblings make the best rivals, especially twins. Once again, it’s all about adding the similarities and the contrasts. In this case it creates the ‘there but for the grace of god go I’ idea with the two of them. Ruby seeing it as how evil she could have turned out and Cinder seeing it as how weak she could have been (Eventually becoming how good she could have had it because I’m a sucker for redemption arcs) Who said that?

Overt changes to (and complaints about) Team JNPR- JNPR was fine-ish but the over focus on Jaune and the underutilization of Ren + Nora early on are both issues. B-team should not get jack shit before the A-team gets the lions share.

1. Downplay Jaune’s screen time. I doubt this is a particularly controversial statement. Jaune is not the titular character. This is (technically) a shoujo not a shounen. It’s supposed to be about the girls more than the guys. It kind of undercuts that idea when the guy (the side guy at that) gets the lion’s share of characterization, attention, and growth before the girl (the main girl) does.

2. Make Ren and Nora actual characters earlier on. Comic relief is all well and good, but either extend that to the whole team or make these two characters more than just comic relief in the early parts of the story. Make them, y’know, actual characters. They ain’t gotta be all that important, but they do have to be actual characters.

3. Make Pyrrha’s deathflags less blindingly obvious. We all knew Pyrrha was going to get clipped. The self-sacrificing type, all the musical and visual cues throughout, being based on Achilles, and ‘oh she just confessed to the boy she likes’. Homegirl was waving deathflags like an insecure redneck with the confederate flag. When you foreshadow obvious things that much it’s not a surprise to the audience when it happens and the reaction of the in universe characters seems overdone. If it’s not supposed to be a surprise then, whatever, but that’s clearly not the case if you’re going for just shock value. It’s fine for a character to die, but for the love of Jaysus you got to do something with it more than ‘this character’s sole purpose is to die for the angst and to up the stakes’. Pyrrha was just a plot jobber.

4. Make them a little more independent in the overall plot. Give them their own full sub-plots, have them go on their own little adventures, have them do things completely separate from RWBY that has plot relevance but not overtaking the main story in grandeur or importance. B-team gets B-plots and are cool in it of themselves.

Overt changes to (and complaints about) Qrow Branwen- Take or leave this, I just felt the need to include this because reasons.

1. Just make him Dante from Devil May Cry. Just make his personality the same as Dante from Devil May Cry. Make him stylish and cool but low-key a massive dork. He’s too cool to drink or smoke or anything harsher than PG-13. This series could use a guy like that, says I.

2. Make his semblance something that makes sense and isn’t just an angst generator. How do you even quantify ‘bad luck aura’ as a power? Make it short range teleportation as a connection to Raven’s portals. Make it so that he can direct the bad luck at will. Do SOMETHING with it that isn’t just an excuse for mostly pointless character angst.

3. This technically also counts as a Raven change but whatever. Make the Branwen family old nobility and not a loser bandit tribe from nowhere. Or at least make it so they used to rich or something. They come from a family that had a good amount of cash and even a chateau in Mistral. After the money dried up and the chateau ransacked by grimm, the Branwen twins had differing opinions on how to proceed. Qrow fully integrated into the hunter thing while Raven ran away and became a bandit, using it as further excuse to skedaddle on Tai and a recently born Yang.

[temilyrights]

the irony of it all

Summary: Jack Sloane x Reader. Two years apart and all it takes is being in her presence for all the feelings you’ve been trying to keep buried to come flying back. (OR Seeing Jack for the first time after she left and moved to D.C.)

A/N: "It'll be a while before I post again." She says and then proceeds to post another fic literally five days later! I'm actually pretty proud how this one turned out. I started writing this before the rumours that Maria is leaving surfaced and lowkey feeling like I jinxed it ahaha. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated :) Enjoy!

Read on AO3

Jack enters the bullpen with her trademark grin, not at all surprised to see the whole team steadily typing away at their computers. Ellie’s the first to acknowledge her presence, her shoulders slumping in relief at the chance for a distraction. “Afternoon, Jack. Need anything?” The hope in Ellie’s voice has Jack trying to withhold her smirk. It wasn’t hard to work out who’d been tasked with sifting through the financial records.

“Afternoon. Just here to see if Tim has got the file from the FBI yet. I’d love to take a look.” Jack claps her hands and turns to face Tim. Ellie pouts and with obvious reluctance returns her focus to her computer.

“Apparently,” Jack’s lips twitch with humour at Tim’s clear frustration and eye roll as he looks up at her. “It includes sensitive information and requires an in-person briefing.”

“You aren’t convinced, obviously.”

“The only information I could get from the Agent over the phone was that it was a robbery case, and in my experience, they are never that sensitive. She’s on her way from Quantico but considering I called this morning she doesn’t seem in any rush to get here even though I told her our case was time-sensitive.”  

Jack frowns. “That is odd. Do you know the agent?”

Tim shakes his head, looking to his computer. “FBI Agent Y/N L/N. None of us has heard of her.” Tim looks back to Jack with a shrug. His brows furrowing when he takes note of the way her face has paled considerably. “But I’m guessing from the look on your face, you do?”

That earns the attention of the rest of the team, but Jack doesn’t notice, too concerned with trying to regain control of her racing heart. It’s been over two years since she last spoke to you, there’s no way her body should still be betraying her like this. Gibbs places a hand lightly on her arm, jolting her back to the present.

“You okay, Jack?”

Jack coughs, clearing the lump in her throat. “Hmm, yeah. Just haven’t heard the name in a while, that’s all. You said she’s coming here?” She directs her attention back to Tim, keeping her voice airy as her feet shift beneath her and she resists her sudden urge to flee the room and not return until you were far, far away from the Navy Yard. You were the last person Jack expected to see in D.C. The last she’d heard you were still over two thousand miles away in San Diego.

Tim’s phone rings as if on cue, and Jack just knows it’s going to be someone downstairs informing him that you’ve arrived. Jack’s eyes flick up in the direction of her office, and Gibbs snorts with obvious amusement. Her lips squish into a thin line as she resists the urge to purse them in frustration.

“Friend of yours?”

‘Friend’ would never be a good enough word to describe what the two of you were, but there wasn’t a better one because how else do you describe an ‘almost’. Neither one of you had taken the jump towards becoming girlfriends, or lovers, or whatever. Jack had been getting close, was thinking about finally taking that step but then Leon had called and asked her to move to D.C. and everything had changed.

Jack still remembers the bitter edge to your voice when she’d told you. “I mean Leon’s been hinting for years that you should move to D.C., seems right he’d eventually ask outright, and it’s not like you’d ever say no to him.” It had been more than a low blow; it’d been cruel considering you knew about Afghanistan. You’d apologised later that evening, but it still stung. Jack couldn’t say no to Leon, not when she had such a huge debt to fill, and still did.

“She used to be.” Gibbs is waiting for more, but even if she wanted to say anything, she would have no idea how to even begin to describe what had happened between the two of you.

—— 2 ½ years ago ——

The night before Jack leaves for D.C. you both sit on the beach watching the sky as it fills with bright yellows and oranges, taking turns sipping from the bottle of wine you know she’d been saving for a special occasion. You suppose this is a special occasion. She’d told you six weeks ago, and it still didn’t feel true. Your best friend, who let’s be honest, you were very much in love with, was moving across the country for a job in D.C. all because of Leon fucking Vance. He’s the one who introduced you to each other a few years ago when he’d visited California, go figure he’d be the one to take her away too. You swallow down your anger and try to focus on Jack instead. You could be angry when she was gone, at least you’d finally start using your gym membership properly again.

“Are you excited to meet the legendary Leroy Jethro Gibbs?” You smirk, voice full of mirth as you accept the outstretched bottle of wine and take a sip. His reputation had reached the FBI a long time ago. When you’d joined it was to hear stories of the grey-haired, blue-eyed steely agent who’d shot an FBI Agent in the ass. You didn’t quite believe it but the stories since had only got wilder.

Jack snorts. “Hmm, yeah I don’t know how that’s going to go.”

“If Leon keeps him around, I’m sure he can’t be too bad.” You offer. Jack huffs, grabbing the wine bottle back from you. Her fingers brush yours, a soft smile taking over her face that has you quickly averting your gaze and trying to ignore the way your heart ached. “I mean he kept you around though, so that’s not saying much.”

“Hey!” Jack slaps you on the arm, breaking into laughter when you release a dramatic ‘Ow!’ You take one look at her and immediately follow. Her head tips back, blonde hair falling way past her shoulder. It’s wavy and slightly knotted from your walk across the beach but still beautiful. She is always beautiful. Your heart cracks, laughter dying out as you take her in, etching her face into your memory – the wrinkles by her eyes, her practically perfect smile, and the beautiful whiskey brown of her eyes. You try to remind yourself that this wasn’t goodbye, but it felt like it because even if you still spoke, you guys wouldn’t be the same, you couldn’t be.

Jack notices you’re no longer laughing, and her bright smile fades away. She reaches out, squeezing your hand. And you think about it; finally planting that kiss on her lips like you’ve fantasised about for longer then you care to admit. She’d kiss you back and you would more than likely end up back at one of your apartments, but you decide in the end it’s not worth it, it’s better not knowing. It would hurt less than waking up in the morning in her arms knowing it could never work. Other sides of the country, her at NCIS and you at the FBI, there was just no way.

You pull your hand from hers and return your attention back to the ocean, taking another long glug of wine. “You know, of all the possibilities I’ve dreamed up in my mind over the years, you leaving” me “the beach didn’t even cross my mind.”

“Y/N,” Jack breathes, the ache in her voice has you shutting your eyes. Sometimes you hated how good she was at working out what you weren’t saying. She reaches out for your hand again, but you shrug her off and move to stand up. This was all too much.

“Look, I should get going.”

“Wait, No, no, no.” Jack drops the wine bottle to the floor, quickly scrambling up and grabbing you by your wrists before you can take more than a couple steps away. “Come on, this is our last evening together.”

“I know, but I can’t. I can’t sit here and pretend I’m fine with you leaving when all I want to do is be incredibly selfish and ask you to stay.” The words spill from your mouth without your permission and your eyes flick upwards as you blink away the tears threatening to break free. You wouldn’t cry.

Jack’s mouth falls open, her eyes filling with her own unshed tears as she drops your wrist. “Y/N... You know I can’t.”

“But that’s the thing Jack, you could if you really wanted to.” It’s what hurts the most, that there was at least some part of her that obviously wanted to go. You were being childish and selfish when you should be being supportive, but you couldn’t help it. Not when you were so angry at yourself for never taking the step towards more because if you had maybe things would be different now.

There’d been an air of possibility between the two of you for months, years, and you had thought there was time, that there was no rush and when the time was right one of you would finally make the move, but now you’re out of time and she’s moving across the country and you don’t want to be sad so instead you’ll cling to your anger and hope she can’t tell she’s breaking your heart.

“We aren’t...we’re just friends, nothing ever happened. You can’t expect me to stay for a maybe.”

“I know.” You sigh, running a tired hand over your face. “I know that.” I just want to be enough. I want you to want me, to choose me. “As I said, I should go. I’m just going to end up saying something that’ll hurt us both and I don’t want to do that.”

“Okay,” Jack says, voice hoarse with emotions.  “Okay.” before you can so much as move Jack’s pulling you into her arms, arms wrapped tightly around you. You hesitate but with a tired sigh, drop your head to her shoulder and pull her in closer. You breathe her in, sea salt and vanilla...you were going to miss that smell. Tears sting your eyes. You really hate goodbyes.

With a sniff, Jack pulls back, only far enough so you have to lift your head to look at her, she cups your cheek and you lean into the touch. “Don’t be a stranger, okay? Phone calls, FaceTime. We can still do friendship.” A hint of desperation seeps into her voice as she rests her forehead against yours, breathing you in like you had her moments before. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“We’ll be okay.” You didn’t believe it, but you couldn’t help but try to ease her worry, not when she was looking at you with such sad eyes. You lean in and press a peck to her cheek, and before you can pull back, Jack turns her head and captures your lips with hers, her hand tightening on your cheek to stop you from pulling away. As if you ever would.

Your hands grip her hips to cover up how they’re beginning to tremble and your eyes remain gripped tightly shut as your lips brush together, painstakingly softly as if one of you were any harder either of you might break. Jack’s lips quiver and tears finally begin to fall down your cheeks.

You were right in thinking it would be best not to know.

Jack pulls back with a shaky breath. You quickly wipe at your eyes, voice raspy with emotion. “Bye, Jack.”

“Goodbye, Y/N.” With a sigh and one last squeeze to your hand, Jack steps back. You turn and walk away, not allowing yourself to look back at the woman who’d just snapped your heart in two, no matter how much you wanted too.

—— Present Day ——

“She won’t be there.” You repeat under your breath for probably the tenth time since you had stepped onto the elevator, ignoring the looks from the NCIS agent next to you as you try to control your rising panic. The Navy Yard was a big place, and there was no guarantee she was even in the building.

The doors ding open, and you hold your head high as you exit. You haven’t taken more than a few steps when you find her. Her back is to you but there’s no doubt in your mind that it’s Jack. Your feet halt in their tracks, your breath instantly fleeing your lungs.

Jack’s shoulders tense and she slowly turns to look at you. Her jaw locked tightly shut, her brown eyes a storm of emotions. It’s overwhelming. You take her in, two and a half years and apart from the shorter hair and her missing necklace she looks exactly the same. You itch to touch her.

“Hey, Jack.” You breathe, desperately trying to keep your emotions in check. Anger flashes through her face. The hand resting on her arm tightening slightly, the man who must be Gibbs looking at her with a mix of concern and trepidation. Jack relaxes slightly and it has your gut in turmoil. She pats his hand but doesn’t drop your gaze, Gibbs lets go.

“D.C.?” Jack arches a brow, clearly unimpressed that you’re here.  

“Yeah, couldn’t quite believe Davis when he offered me the job only to tell me it would be at Quantico.” Cosmic irony at its finest. You’d thrown yourself into your work after Jack left and when your boss had finally offered you the promotion you’d been working your whole career towards only to tell you you’d be less than an hour away from the woman you’d been trying to avoid thinking about you didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

You’d been on the east coast for about five months now and you’d thought a lot about reaching out but just didn’t know how. You didn’t think your ‘Hey Jack, I know I ghosted you after you went to D.C., but I’m here and still hopelessly in love with you, wanna grab a coffee?’ would go down very well.

“It was about time he realised you deserved your own team,” Jack smirks, her anger still present but slightly subdued, and your heart threatens to break free from your chest as you nod. You couldn’t put into words just how much you’d missed her. If you weren’t in a room full of strangers, and half sure she’d push you away, you would have already thrown yourself into her arms.

Someone clears their throat, effectively breaking your prolonged eye contact and Jack turns her attention to the man with a goatee before looking back at you. “Right. Uh, Tim, this is Y/N, sorry I mean Agent L/N, and Y/N this is Agent McGee. I believe you spoke on the phone.” You make your way further into the room, keeping a wide berth on Jack who mutters under her breath when you pass. “Guess she finally regained the ability to use it.” You pretend you don’t hear as you move to shake McGee’s hand.

“It’s a pleasure. Should we get right down to business?”

“Fine by me.” McGee smiles but you can tell he’s uncomfortable with this whole situation. “If you follow me, you can set up in one of our conference rooms.” You fall in step behind him, steadily avoiding looking at Jack, or Gibbs, who hadn’t stopped watching you since you’d stepped off the elevator.

“Guess we know why this case required an in-person briefing huh, someone wanted a reunion.” The other male agent whispers from behind you. You don’t need to turn around to know Jack will be glaring at him. “I was joking...kind of.”

The case really did require a briefing. You’d contemplated sending one of your agents but as lead agent on the case, it would be more suspicious if you weren’t the one who came. Not to mention it would be cowardly as hell.

You spend the next hour explaining your case and answering questions from everyone. Agent Bishop asks a few, her eyes trained on you in a calculating way that has you feeling very uncomfortable. The other agent who’d introduced himself as Torres was doing a terrible job of shooting subtle glances between you and Jack. Her eyes were fixed on a spot beside your head instead of actually on you, and you were doing everything to just completely avoid looking in her direction (which was difficult considering Bishop was next to her and was asking the most questions).

“Any more questions?”

“I think we’re good,” McGee says, looking at everyone who all nod along in agreement.

You nod your head, swallowing roughly. You look at Jack whose eyes remain fixed to the wall, and then look back to the rest of the team. They luckily all get the message that you want to talk and with a few interested looks, all leave the room, well apart from Gibbs who stands up but remains a few steps behind Jack. You barely contain your eye roll at his protective stance. As if Jack needed protecting from anyone.

Jack looks at him with a soft smile. “It’s fine. Go work the case.” Gibbs nods sharply, sending you one more untrustworthy look before stepping back and making his way from the room. The sound of the door shutting rings out loudly into the silence of the room.

“Well, he’s protective.”

Jack finally looks at you, her eyes full of fire. “Don’t you dare! You have no right to come in here and make comments or judgements about things you don’t understand.” She stands up as she talks, pointing a frustrated finger at you while still keeping the distance of the table between you.

“I’m not judging it was just an observation.”

Jack scoffs. “Right.”

“Look, I don’t want to argue with you.”

“Yeah, well what the hell do you want?”

Sighing, you shake your head and sit down. That was the million-dollar question, and you hadn’t got the slightest idea on a decent answer. “I wanted to call…”

“When? When you moved to D.C. or two and a half years ago?”

“Jack…”

“No, seriously. What happened to staying in contact, to being friends?”

“Are you kidding me?” Your eyes widen in disbelief, and you return to your standing position. “You kissed me is what happened. You kissed me and then you left and my heart broke!” You hope Jack doesn’t catch the way your voice cracks as all the emotions you’ve tried to pack away make themselves known. “I wanted to answer your calls, I did.” The few times she phoned after her move you’d just stared at it as it rang. Unable to get yourself to move or answer. “But I couldn’t sit on the phone and pretend everything was fine.”

“I wasn’t asking you too.”

“But you were. You wanted a friend, and I couldn’t be that. I was in love with you, Jack. You left and I just...I couldn’t.” Jack’s eyes water, and she quickly averts her gaze, arms held tightly across her chest. You take a step around the table and when Jack doesn’t immediately step back you continue, stopping only once you were standing beside Jack who still hadn’t turned to look at you. You sigh, speaking softly. Your hand itches to reach out and touch her but you refrain. It was already overwhelming being this close to her again. “I tried contacting you when I found out about Hakim. I wanted to jump on a plane, but I was in the middle of a case and by the time that was over Leon was back. You never responded, so I just assumed you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

Jack sniffs and doesn’t turn to look at you as she speaks. “The second I heard your voice I would have cracked. I needed to stay focused, to find Leon, I didn’t have time to break down.”

“But did you afterwards? I noticed you’re no longer wearing your necklace.” Jack’s hand goes to her neck, fingers fiddling with the dainty gold chain.

“I’m doing better.” She says, finally turning to look at you. Her eyes are so sad it makes your breath catch. You don’t think as you reach out and squeeze her hand. Jack looks at it in surprise but doesn’t snatch away from your touch.

“That’s good. I’m happy for you, Jack. You’ve got a great team. It’s clear to anyone with eyes how much they care about you. Bishop wouldn’t stop sending me looks and Gibbs was ready to drag me out the building.” You huff, and Jack’s lips twitch in amusement.

“They’re good people.”

Nodding, you finally let go of her hand. You were really glad she’d found her people. You just wished you were one of them still.

“How about you? How are you?”

Your small smile wobbles. “I’m good. You know, I’ve got work, and my team are good. Still getting to know them but we work well together.” You shrug, doing a bad job of hiding just how lonely you were. Even when you’d been in San Diego all your relationships had suffered. You’d basically breathed work in an attempt to distract yourself from your broken heart. It’d been Izzy who’d eventually dragged you on a night out and reminded you that you needed to find life outside of work.

You’d started dating again, were actually in a relationship that was going well, but then Hakim had happened, and you hadn’t been able to think of anything but Jack so that had all fallen apart.

And now you’re on the east coast. Sure, you’d made new friends, but you hardly saw any of them outside of work which was leaving your life a little empty.

“Y/N…” Jack says sadly, and your gut churns. She reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, and your heart aches. Your eyes fall shut as you bask in her touch. “I’ve missed you.”

Tears instantly spring to your eyes and you don’t think as you tug her closer for a hug, burying your head into her shoulder. Jack wraps an arm around you, the other coming to rest on your head. The smell of sea salt that you had always associated with her was gone, but the vanilla was still there, and you breathed it in. “I’ve missed you too.”

You both stand like that for too long, but you couldn’t let go. There was an overwhelming fear that the second you let go and left the room you would never get to see her again, that she wouldn’t want anything to do with you. She’d found a better life, had more than likely moved on. It wasn’t her fault that you hadn’t been able to shake your feelings. She was it for you. She was everything. And you didn’t think you could let her go again, not when you could finally breathe for the first time in over two years.

Tears begin to trickle down your cheeks, staining Jack’s shirt, and you hate yourself for letting them out. She shouldn’t have to see just how not okay you were. She’d always made you weak though, a smile, a touch, a look, and suddenly you were defenceless.

Jack’s hand moves from your head, as she pulls back slightly, prompting you to lift your chin and look at her. Her eyes are so unbelievably soft, and you quickly begin to wipe at your cheeks, embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Jack says, voice hoarse with her own emotions. “I still think about that night and wonder what would have happened if I stayed. I don’t regret my choice” She couldn’t, not when she had a team that were family and was finally building a relationship with her daughter. Jack runs her thumb over your cheek, fascinated with how your eyelids flutter shut. “but I do regret hurting you. I regret that we never got a chance to be an ‘us’ because I think we would have been pretty amazing.”

Swallowing roughly, you open your eyes and your breath instantly catches when you see what you can only describe as love staring back at you. Her earlier words sting slightly, but she looks so much happier and calmer that you aren’t really upset because if anyone deserved happiness it was Jacqueline Sloane. Your voice is wistful as you speak. “I think we would have been too.”

“Maybe we still can be.” She says in a hushed whisper, and your heart promptly starts thumping in your chest because she couldn’t possibly mean- “If that’s something you’re still interested in, of course. I know it’s been years but I still lo-care for you. We could do dinner, there’s this place that Ellie’s been telling me I should check out, apparently they do delicious pasta dishes.” A smile brightens up your face as Jack nervously rambles on, your heart hadn’t stopped thumping and you were half tempted to pinch yourself in case this was all just some wild fever dream.

“I-I’d like that.” You manage to stumble out, halting Jack’s ramble. She deflates, nerves warded off as she bites her lip in attempt to control the grin attempting to break free.

“Really?” Jack’s thumb brushes your cheek again, and you let yourself lean into the pressure.

“Yeah.”

“Tonight? If the case doesn’t get in the way.”

“Tonight.” You agree, wide smiles break out on both your faces and hell, you’d really missed her smile. Two and a half years, five since you’d met, and nothing in the world would ever compare to that smile.

Guess not being a coward paid off.

[ninjabucky]

My Girl

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You and Bucky secretly love one another, but as friends, you’re both scared to admit your feelings to each other. 

Warnings: Fluff, mutual pining, friends to lovers AU, talks of sex, implied smut at the end. 

Word Count: 2,834

A/N: Heavily inspired by the song 'Be My Baby' by The Ronettes. I kept the song on repeat as I wrote this. 

This is also for @simsadventures​ 1k writing challenge and I've just made the deadline!! I had the prompts: Mutual Pining and Friends to Lovers and I loved every single of writing this. Congratulations on your followers sweetheart. You're a treasure and you deserve so many more. I love you!!

The night we met I knew I needed you so And if I had the chance I'd never let you go

Sundays were your favorite day of the week because every Sunday you and your best friend James, or Bucky as he liked to be called, came over to your apartment and the two of you would share a relaxing movie night to unwind and refresh yourselves for the upcoming week. 

You were friends with Bucky for over 3 years, and in the past year and a half the two of you became the best of friends and you couldn’t imagine your life without him now. He had this lingering presence and he could lift your spirits within seconds of being around him. And though the two of you spoke over the phone every day, it was only a couple days a week you would meet up with him and his friends to hang out.

To the outsiders, it was easily assumed you were more than friends. The way the two of you would cozy up in the corner of the booth at some bar, laughing and joking with each other or the smile that never seemed to stray far from Bucky’s mouth whenever you were around or as Steve recognized when the two of you would exchange text messages. Or his excitement whenever you posted a new selfie on Instagram and he shoved his phone in Steve’s face for him to see. 

As his best friend, Steve kept encouraging Bucky to talk to you about his obvious crush. But every time he tried to talk to him about you, Bucky would shoot him down and change the topic.

You were Bucky’s bubble, his motivation to wake up every morning, his inspiration to become a better man, hopefully for you. 

Bucky was inevitably in love with you. 

Within the three years of the two of you being friends, he has never looked at another woman the same way he looks at you. There is no one else out there for him, you’re it for him. The rare couple of dates he went on ended disastrously, the women were not interested in his hobbies, in his work. They just wanted what was in his pants and Bucky wasn’t that type of man to have one night stands. 

His last serious relationship was over 5 years ago and that lasted for just 1 year, but it was also the last time he had sex. He didn’t care about that, he would rather wait for the right woman than inviting back random women to his bed. 

Part of that decision was caused by you. One evening the two of you lounged together on the couch with pizza boxes scattered over the table and beer in your hands talking about sex. You expressed a dislike of one night stands, calling them cheap and dirty. So he learned to share the same feelings as you. 

I'll make you happy, baby, just wait and see For every kiss, you give me I'll give you three

It was 5PM and you knew Bucky would be arriving soon to start your movie night. You’d already ordered the pizza and the beer was stacked in the refrigerator chilled. 

You had a little time to shower and throw on some comfortable clothes, just a loose T-shirt and some boy shorts. Clothes you wouldn’t normally wear around a man but you were so comfortable around Bucky he never seemed to mind, in fact, he actually loved it especially when you were braless but he would never tell you that.

“Hey doll, I’m home.” He joked as he walked into your apartment. Bucky shrugged off his jacket and dropped it on a hook by the door. 

“Hey, Bucks.” You greeted him with a small kiss on his stubbled cheek. You loved the way they pricked at your lips and just sometimes it was hard to get the image out of your head of his stubble burning you elsewhere. 

Your love for Bucky was just as strong. He was this gorgeous, kind, caring, considerate man with a heart of gold and there was nothing in the world Bucky wouldn’t do for anyone, whether they were a friend or a stranger. He couldn’t stand by and watch someone struggle like the old lady who lived across the hall from you. The two of you got back from furniture shopping and he saw the old lady struggle with her grocery bags, he very kindly offered to take the bags from her and carry them up the 5 flights of stairs. The landlord was to mean to move her downstairs, the older she became the less frequent she left her home. Bucky offered to do her shopping for her, whatever and whenever she needed things. 

“He’s such a sweetheart. You are a very lucky girl.” She commented to you one time as you passed her in the hall. You nodded in agreement but your heart sunk simply because you weren’t his girl.

Oh, since the day I saw you I have been waiting for you You know I will adore you 'til eternity

You turned away from Bucky and missed the blush that was creeping up his neck. He cleared his throat, putting his hands in his pocket as he walked towards your little kitchenette. 

“Pizza will be here soon.” You announced, grabbing two beers from the refrigerator. Bucky quietly thanked you and followed you to the couch. Scrolling through Netflix for a movie to watch.

You still couldn’t find something to watch after 30 minutes. Half of the pizza was eaten and you were on your second beer. 

“What about The Witcher?” Bucky suggested. You turned to look at him and blinked, he just shrugged in return. “I just heard it’s a good TV show. At least that’s what Steve told me…” He said with uncertainty in his voice. 

The evening was going quick and you just decided to put The Witcher on since you didn’t want to waste any more time. 

During the binge-watch, you didn’t feel Bucky scoot closer to you. Your shoulders and knees touched. His warmth made you blush and his aftershave danced on the inside of your nostrils, you wondered how a man could look sexy, smell gorgeous and still be a single man. 

Then it reminded you. “So are you dating anyone right now?” You asked, making a small conversation to build up your courage. 

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed, wondering where you were going with this exactly. 

“Uh, no. Why?” 

It was now or never. “I have a date tomorrow.” You whispered, you knew how protective Bucky was of you and he would want to know every single detail down to the guy’s blood group before he made his mind up whether he was good enough for you or not. But something about Bucky’s features seemed different. His eyes seemed to light up on fire and his heart soared in his chest, he felt dizzy and he felt nauseous but worst of all, he felt jealous.

“Bucky?” You noticed his breathing had picked up and his fists were visibly clenched in his lap.

Your voice snaps him out of his dazed trance. The little daydream he had of ripping the lucky guy’s head off, Bucky would never stop you from going on dates and he regretted he didn’t say anything to you sooner. 

He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. “That’s great, doll. Happy for you. Uh, I just remembered, I gotta go.” Bucky stood before you could answer and watched helplessly as he threw his jacket on and walked out of the apartment, leaving you there confused and hurt, because not only did Bucky just lie to you about needing to go, he appeared to be in a rush to get away from you.

So won't you, please, be my, be my baby Be my little baby, my one and only baby

You weren’t as excited about the date this afternoon as you should have been. You spent the entire night sobbing into your pillow, sobs that turned into a wail with each text Bucky had read and ignored. 

Why was he so mad at you? And most importantly, why were you mad at yourself for agreeing to go on some lunch date with a guy in statistics when Bucky was the man you really wanted? Was it because you knew you never stood a chance against these gorgeous brunette women who threw themselves at him? 

You were getting ready at a snail pace. Your mind wandered back to last night and you wished you could take it all back. You wouldn’t have told him and he wouldn’t have known. 

You feared the worst now. He still didn’t answer any of the messages you sent him, but you saw him active just an hour ago on Instagram and he completely ignored your story which he normally would have opened and reacted to. 

You only knew he purposely ignored you because he commented on Steve’s and Wanda’s posts. 

Bucky hated himself, he really did. Jealousy consumed him and he spent the whole night tossing and turning. He hated the way he left things with you and he almost replied to your text, he did write one out but pressed the backspace a couple of times. He saw you were online on Instagram too, but he quickly got angry and assumed you were online to talk to this guy you were going on a date with. He saw you had a new story post up, he willed his fingers not to open it. He didn’t want to see it, he feared it was a kissing selfie with the lucky man.

Bucky was alone in his apartment, slouched on the couch as he watched something he clicked on Netflix. His hands were in his sweater pockets, his feet rested on top of one another. 

He was thinking about you, how you were a definition of a literal sweetheart. He thought about the way your gorgeous smile not only lit up the room but his heart too. He visibly cringed reminiscing about the lost opportune moments had to ask you out but didn’t. He was sure he was friend-zoned now and he only had himself to blame, for waiting too long and for not listening to Steve, who lacked experience with women, seemed to always know the right answers.

A shroud knock echoed throughout his apartment and he eyed the door suspiciously from the couch. He wasn’t expecting anyone and quickly dismissed it as a neighbor who needed their light bulb changed again. 

But the knocking got louder, whoever was behind the door was persistent. 

With a click of his tongue, he reluctantly stood up as his feet padded across the wood floors. He pulled the door open with a huff but froze in place, wide-eyed. 

There in front of him stood you. Mascara stained down your cheeks and Bucky instantly thought of the worse. Did the guy you were with hurt you? 

“Y/N? Are you alright-'' Bucky was interrupted with your lips on his. Your hands laced around the back of his neck to pull him closer to you. The taste of your lips was so sweet, he could taste your spearmint toothpaste. 

If it wasn’t for the need of air, you would have kept kissing him. But your lungs complained, reluctantly you pulled away and rested your forehead against his. Bucky’s brows were knitted together in confusion. He was sure this was some kind of sick dream. He walked backward, bringing you inside of his apartment.

“You’re the one I want, Buck. I don’t want to dance around it anymore.” Your breath fanned across his swollen plump lips as he shut the door with his foot and leaned you against it. 

“I want you too, doll. But you gotta explain, I don’t…”

“I ran into Steve on my way to the restaurant. He told me you liked me and that we were great for each other. Imagine my shock.” You chuckled nervously. “I’ve been in love with you for so long that I never once thought you could love me back. I just swallowed my feelings but I didn’t even want to go on that date.”

Bucky was more than sure he was dreaming. Maybe he fell asleep on the couch, sometimes his imagination ran away with him and he couldn’t tell the difference between dream-state and reality. He was very much aware of the fact that the mind can play some tricks. He was sure this is what was happening to him currently. None of this made sense to him.

“He’s wrong.” Bucky pulled away, putting his hands in his pockets and your heart dropped into your stomach. Of course, Steve lied. Why would someone as gorgeous as Bucky want someone ordinary like you? You stood Luke up at the restaurant only to be rejected. Bucky loved you as a friend, that must have been what Steve meant and if you didn’t ruin things last night, you definitely have now.

“Oh - Buck I’m sorry.” You sheepishly lowered your head and looked at your feet. 

“Why are you sorry?” He asked as he bounced on the balls of his feet. Something he did when he was nervous.

“I just embar-”

“No, no.” Bucky quickly interrupted you, knowing where you were headed with it. “You didn’t trust me. He’s wrong about me just liking you doll. I’m in love with you and I have been since we met. That’s why I haven’t dated anyone, haven’t slept with anyone. You’re the only one I want, doll. There’s no one else for me.” 

“You want me?” You smiled hopefully. 

A blush crept up his neck and cheeks as he grinned, showing those perfect white teeth. 

“Absolutely. More than I want tacos.” He joked and you chuckled, happy tears running down your stained cheeks. “I want you to be my baby girl, and I want to be your man.” He walked closer to you, caressing your cheeks with his thumb. 

“I want that too.” You broke the distance and leaned up on your tiptoes. Your lips locked together as you embraced each other.

So won't you, please, be my, be my baby Be my little baby, my one and only baby Say you'll be my darlin', be my, be my baby Be my baby now, my one and only baby

Bucky offered his shower for you to get cleaned up, you gladly accepted. Wiping your makeup off your face and using Bucky's shower gels and his delicious apple shampoo. You smelt like the feminine version of him and you loved it. 

You stepped out, drying your body with his fluffy towels and changed into the pair of grey sweats, rolling the waistband over a couple of times to create a snug fit and his favorite henley. He only trusted you with his beloved henley.

You stepped out of the steamy bathroom and plopped yourself down next to him. He smirked as he pulled you into his lap, nipping and kissing at your jaw. 

"Can't believe I'm allowed to do this now." His voice vibrated against your throat and you shivered. 

"Me neither. I'm so happy." You tilted your head back to give him better access. 

"Me too, doll. Listen, why don't we watch Netflix in bed and get more comfortable. I'll order takeout?" He suggested. You loved the sound of that idea and nodded your head enthusiastically. "Great!" He shouted, holding onto your waist as he hoisted you up and carried you to his bedroom. Candles were already lit around the place and the duvet cover was pulled back. He dropped you on the bed and you giggled when you bounced from the impact. Bucky had a mischievous glint in his eye as he crawled above you. His hands slipping under the shirt and caressing your breasts. A soft gasp left your lips, the encouragement he needed to continue. If this was a new idea for 'movie nights' you were absolutely on board. 

You never did get to see a movie that night. Bucky spent the entire night loving you just like he promised. This was it for the two of you, there was no going back now. 

[pandakinskin]

C-PTSD - My story

I have been quiet for many years on this account. There is a particular reason for that, and unfortunately it will take me some time to come to terms with it.

In 2018, my best friend decided to make a callout post about me and many other people. I was facing some terrible clinical depression, so I couldn’t reach out to my friends. I had just came home from an outing with my family, and I had just checked my phone before I was heading to bed. My now ex-friend tagged me in the post, calling me out for neglecting her needs as a friend and told me to off myself for not caring about her. When I arrived at school the next day, one of the girls at school who was also on the post confronted by ex-best friend about it to ask her what happened. Instead she was greeted with a massive slap on her face, and was in tears the whole class session (~2 hours) and long after our lunch break. I didn’t want to confront my ex-friend again, and spent most of the rest of my high school in fear of running in with her.

I later came out to my friends in 2018, and my boyfriend, that I was trans. Thankfully that didn’t change much of that dynamic.

In 2019, I was diagnosed with clinical social anxiety and depression. I had taken therapy for about 6 months before my mom took me out of it saying “you seem to be doing just fine.” My mom had sat with me and my therapist the whole session, every session. So I often stayed quiet in fear of venting about my mom.

I came out to my family in October of 2019 as a trans man, though now my family looks back on it as me trying to change myself for my friends rather than a way of true self expression. My brother threatened to burn my pride flag during that month, and both he and my mother still get livid when the topic is brought up. My dad still confidently misgenders me and deadnames me.

January 2020, on MLK day I was put into a mental hospital due to suicidal ideation. I was forced to stay a full week, and spent two weeks after off from school to heal. During one of those weeks, my parents met with my boyfriend and his parents for lunch. They dragged me along as well. The reason for meeting up was for all the adults to yell at my boyfriend for not trying hard enough in the relationship. The whole time they misgendered me, which caused me to meltdown and run out of the resteraunt. My parents convinced themselves it was because I got a slap of reality about how terrible my boyfriend was. We were no longer allowed to meet up without supervision from then on out.

I graduated high school in 2020. I was attending group therapy 6 days a week, and spent a lot of time sitting at home as covid was on the rise. As time passed, my boyfriend became extremely distant. Though it had been a problem before that he rarely put time aside for me, he let his video game addiction overcome him. I had not been contacted by my friends in three months when September rolled around, and I had not reached out to them. In fear of them rejecting me, I blocked them first so I wouldn’t have to go through the same trouble as I did my sophmore year of highschool.

I was now left with my oldest friend, and my boyfriend. It had been stable for a little while, until a message popped on my phone I didn’t realize would appear. I won’t write it out here, though my oldest friend (by about 4 years) had messaged me that he would be comfortable doing something very intimate with me. It made me realize he was grooming me, and I quickly blocked him on every account I had at the time. My boyfriend was angry with himself for noticing that behavior before, and didn’t do anything before I noticed it.

October 2020 came. I broke up with my boyfriend because he wouldn’t get out of his addiction. We promised we’d still be friends, and that we would try to talk regularly. We didn’t talk at all, so I briefly blocked him in December. I reached out to a friend that I had blocked in August, and said I’ve been feeling suicidal since the breakup. He told me that I should have been more considerate of my boyfriend, and that I should stop thinking so selfishly about our relationship. He told me it was selfish for blocking everyone, that I hurt all of those people from my actions, and that I needed to stop blaming other people for my problems. I tried taking it to heart, and said I still was thinking of harming myself. He told me to man up and just go ahead and do it if I was so confident I was (knowing how I’m a coward of death). It triggered a meltdown and I blocked him again.

In January 2021, I was sent a letter by his older sister wanting something of hers back that my boyfriend had given to me. I messaged my ex asking why he didn’t reach out first, and he explained that she wanted it back more than he did, so he didn’t reach out. Also he came out to me saying that he is now a she, that my ex boyfriend was now my ex girlfriend. She said she was very happy I showed her the world of being trans, and coming out had been so easy for her. Now she’s getting constant friend requests on video games, and her friends and family are very accepting. She was wondering if my family dynamic had gotten better since she was out of the picture, and when I told her no she just shrugged it off.

Things still ring in my head from that conversation. She said “I hope you learn from our relationship and bring it on to your next one,” and “I feel socially fulfilled, so much so I don’t feel like I need a relationship anymore.” It made me feel sick. After some time, I now realize that she was trying to live through me rather than view me as a separate person. As trans people tend to do with crushes, we wish we were those “crushes” rather than be in a relationship with them. With her feeling exactly that with me, she trying forcing herself to live through me.

I returned her sisters belongings in their mailbox, and I went home. It was the end of all the relationships and family I had grown and developed. I now have one last friend, though they just so happen to be someone from group therapy and the hospital. Though we try our best to help eachother, my story has not gotten better. My grandfather passed away, and my dad is now taking on the personality of my grandfather. He holds me by the shoulders to kiss me so that I stop moving away, tells me how I should go outside more often so he could see me happy again, and has been hanging out with a lot of straight white men who happen to be Trump supporters. My mother is a hoarder, and is so clinically depressed I have to take care of her whenever I see her. My brother refuses to get help for his ADHD, and still is very agressive when he talks to me.

I want to end and say things get better. Though they haven’t just yet... I hope this really is the end of this uncontrollable string.

[seimeinotaka]

Movie Review (Vil x MC Fic)

(Cross-posted from AO3) 

His confidence shaking, Vil keeps pondering over himself and why he keeps losing to Neige. It somehow ends in a discussion with Ann about Type-casting, the role of an actor, and focusing on what is truly important.

Thanks to polyphenols@AO3 for beta-reading this! 

-

The kitchen was empty, for everyone had gone to bed, having learned that crossing Vil and breaking the rules wasn’t something to take lightly. Twenty minutes before curfew, Vil was washing the cup he had just used. He needed water to clear his head. Beating Neige in the VDC, being the fairest of them all. He had these goals in mind, but no matter how hard he tried, it was never enough. The water from the faucet couldn’t flush his thoughts away, as it flowed down his hands, so cold but Vil hadn’t even noticed either.

“-senpai?”

Why?

Why couldn’t he beat Neige?

What did Neige have that he lacked?

The cute character he always showed? Was it just that? Something he couldn’t even work with?

The hero, the beautiful holder of the Legendary sword. That was Neige’s role.

The cold beautiful villain. That was Vil’s role.

The water stopped.

“!”

Vil suddenly realized someone was next to him, having been struck slightly by their elbow, as this person turned off the faucet.

“Schoenheit-senpai, are you alright?” It was Ann, who had taken him out of his trance.

“Manager…yes, I’m fine,” he replied, still in a daze. He hadn’t meant to get so carried away in his thoughts that anyone saw him like this.

He wasn’t as annoyed as before with her, since she seemingly didn’t insult him and had apologized for whatever she had meant to say, though he was far from being on friendly terms with her. She seemed to be treating him with a certain distance, since their discussion had ended abruptly when she stormed off. He was perfectly fine with this unspoken arrangement.

Ann didn’t reply to his calm reassurance, but her expression let him know she wasn’t buying his words. She could keep her worry to herself, channeling it to win the VDC instead.

“…There’s something I wanted to talk to you about…” she finally said, after taking a deep breath to break the awkward silence. “It’s not about Epel…it’s about you…”

For a second there, she seemed to hesitate. Actually, this expression was the same one she had been wearing ever since she apologized when they crossed paths. As if she had something to say but feared doing so. Vil had never intended to ask her anything, ignoring her gaze if she had nothing to add to their discussions or practice.

“…Go on.” He prepared himself mentally, he was going to end up annoyed, but if he didn’t pretend to hear her now, she would be nagging him later on. He could certainly do without that, so he would take the lesser of the two evils.

She took a deep breath, and somehow bluntly stated, “You are going to get angry at me, but I might have heard your conversation with that Adella woman. About a film where Neige Leblanche got the lead and they wanted you to play the villain.” And just as that, she looked at him, ready to face her punishment.

He would have actually punished her, if he hadn’t been taken by surprise.

“How…?”

He had been extremely careful in answering his calls, only twice had he been contacted, and she wasn’t around then. Had Rook told her something? Rook had fine ears and he might have heard the phone calls, but he doubted his vice dorm leader would betray him and tell that private information to her.

“The other day… at the end of practice. I forgot my tablet after we uhhhh…had a discussion.” She grimaced, and forced herself to look at him. “I left it there but you were talking on the phone and I couldn’t just enter.”

“So, you decided to eavesdrop instead,” he coldly replied.

“It was an accident, I didn’t mean to! By the time I had realized what was happening, you left the room and I didn’t know what to do,” she hurried to add, stepping back defensively. “I’ve been thinking hard if I should talk to you about it but… Whatever. You are angry anyway, so, before you kill me for eavesdropping, lemme ask the following: Is Neige really that good? Or was it because he looks like the good hero?”

She was extremely right in him wanting to kill her in that moment, though her second question took him by surprise. “What do you think, Manager?” He was not going to talk about Neige.

“So, it’s the second…. I had a gut feeling it was like that. I looked around the internet, he’s mentioned a lot, I guess, but he just looks cute to me. I honestly don’t see why everyone goes wild about him. But I guess he does have the appeal to play the good-natured hero, just as you do look like a good fit for a handsome villain.”

He certainly did not need to have her rub salt on his wound, it was bad enough that Rook would blab and praise Neige. Clenching his fist, he was wondering how to curse her to make her stop.

“That’s pretty disappointing and boring, actually,” she said flatly.

“…What?”

“What do you mean what?” She looked at him confused, unaware that she was the one not making any sense at all. “I looked up the Legendary Sword, it’s supposed to be a groundbreaking film series, right? But if they go for such basic casting, is it really groundbreaking?”

Vil stared at her for a moment, a mix of extreme annoyance and deep confusion because what did one thing have to do with another? Not to mention, it was a series he loved.

"Have you even watched the first one?!"

How dared she say that.

"....No, but that's not really my point."

He gave her a scornful smile, as he said, “Of course, Manager. Here you go again, please give me your opinion on things you don’t know the least about.”

"I don’t need to watch a film to get a sense of what they are going for. I can get the aesthetic they are going for, and usually that goes in hand with the setting.” She shrugged her shoulders. “From what I heard of your conversation, yeah I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, you didn’t get to audition, so they offered you the role. Probably the same happened with Neige, so it means they are basing the casting on your physical appearance.”

It wasn’t his physical appearance entirely, but she wasn’t that wrong actually. He was almost impressed she could have figured it out. And that meant he had to be more careful than he thought. Though he should have suspected something, if she managed to dupe Azul.

“That’s pretty disappointing, they aren't taking your acting skills into consideration. A true actor can make the audience believe in their character, no matter how they look. That's strength of their histrionics."

"Don't you realize you're being overly idealistic? You didn't strike me as the type," he interjected, arching an eyebrow. He wasn’t sure what she was trying to do, but he was almost curious to see how farfetched her ramble would go.

"But, am I wrong? Also, you got a point. The plot and allegiances, the roles of the characters shouldn't be spelled out from appearances. That actually lessens the strength of your acting. It kills the story when I can see someone and know exactly that he is the bad guy just because he wears purple and looks cold. That’s not creative, it’s extremely boring. I thought that as a fashion model and probably a trendsetter, you would prefer to break the rules."

He wouldn’t deign to give her an answer, but she didn’t look at him like she was expecting one.

"The fact that you said I didn't look the type, that's exactly my point. I prefer when my characters are deeper than what they only look. When they surprise me because someone looks cute but isn’t the cute type, that keeps me on my toes. To subvert the expectations of the audience, while showing them a story they can't predict, that's what I would call legendary. Surely, a movie like that should have a legendary casting too."

"I see you keep taking about things you do not know. You keep talking about a movie you haven't seen and the casting of a sequel you don't know."

"...You have a fair point, but I can tell that the casting is very safe. To cast the cute actor as the protagonist and the beautiful sexy one as the villain. They didn't really take any risks."

"Perhaps you weren't paying attention to what I said before,” he groaned. “You have to understand the visuals that suit the atmosphere. A group of elementary children singing metal will look off."

"I actually want to hear that."

"Forget it, your taste is too extreme to understand my point," he grimaced, giving up on trying to get through her thick skull.

“I guess… though I find it sad that for all the boldness you have, you’re stuck with mainstream ideals. Though it seems to come with the industry. They are the ones with the money.”

"Suppose you are in charge of casting, Manager. Do you mean you would have me as lead instead?"

"I wouldn't have a prince charming as the lead in the first place. But the role would go to the one who acts the part better. Not just looks."

Vil looked at her with a stony expression, somehow her words stung and he felt uncomfortable.

"Though, if we have a hero like that, to cast you as the prince charming, the good hero they are picking Neige for... I would honestly prefer that. It's a risky decision, and many would question your casting, but if you were to sweep everyone's minds with your performance, you would win even more than if you went with a typical casting. There's a higher risk, but an even higher reward."

"Fufu, you still have no idea what you're talking about. Unfortunately, as much as your ridiculous idea sounds compelling, the truth is, Neige was cast as the main character."

"If it makes you feel better, I can write you as a main character in a story I make."

He smiled mockingly at her. "Ara, should I be touched? That a mere potato acting as a manager makes me her main character in her story? Focus on your studies."

"I mean, we can’t change things now, but if you were the hero and people questioned it, it's your job as the actor to prove them wrong."

"You sound awfully confident in my abilities."

"Is there a reason I shouldn't be?"

Vil was taken back. That was the most unexpected way to compliment someone, though he couldn't say he hated it. That said, she was incredibly annoying.

"You do enjoy talking about things you have no clue about."

"What I don't have a clue about? If I look carefully at you, I can tell you've honed yourself a lot."

"...what?"

"It's the way you conduct yourself.  To be this knowledgeable about food and skin care, about music too. Dancing styles, dance moves. There's a limit to natural talent. You could understand things in theory but you call them by their names, that doesn't come from simple experience.  Your pose is always perfect, both when you're walking and when you're fighting. To be able to have that degree of grace, you can't always do it unless you've trained yourself to be graceful. I get the feeling you're always pushing yourself to be perfect in any way. No matter what. Like you could be wearing burning shoes and you wouldn't show your pain."

He looked at her, she liked saying the oddest things. Why was she focusing on that? Normally, people commented directly on his beauty. He wasn’t used to being told this, he was doing only the necessary things to achieve his goal. The obvious things that no one focused on. That no one praised.

You didn't praise the method, you praised the results. The finished product. It didn't matter if you did your best when you failed. The result was all that mattered.

Just as he couldn’t beat Neige.

However, her words made him uncomfortable. Was she offering a cheap clap on the back as his fate, and he hated that word, was to be the loser? Some cheap, meaningless sympathy as an equally miserable bandage to his mortally wounded pride?

"What is your game, Manager? Is this some attempt to get along with me to further your goals?"

She huffed, visibly frustrated and annoyed at him, when he should be the one groaning at her and her nonsensical questioning. "You know, you're really smart but you're horribly stubborn. I'm not dissing you. Damn this school. You're all a huge bunch of weirdos, you're always focusing on the oddest stuff."

"As if you can truly say that to me."

"Really? Riddle got so angry about breaking even the most ridiculous inconsequential rules that the Queen of Hearts made. I get things like ‘Don't run with scissors in the hall’, because you can actually get hurt, but the color of roses? The tea you serve after 6? That's just showing off your power in meaningless bullshit. It alienates people instead of making them like you. He is devoted and meticulous, except he's focusing on the stupid stuff.

“Leona is capable, he's actually smart and he could be an excellent student and magift player but he can't be bothered to do anything because he doesn't want to be compared to others. Well, duh, you're always going to be compared. Damned if you do it, damned if you don’t, it’s way better to be damned for doing your thing. The rest can go fuck off. It’s not like they are going to do things for you, and they won’t live your life.”

Was she trying to get on his good side by dissing everyone?

“Azul, for all the intelligence he has, is a big idiot. All the effort he made to hide his past, just to crumble because of a photo. Why would you want to alter it so much that you're no longer yourself? I don't understand. He could see how far he had come and how much he had improved himself, that the Azul in that picture, who was extremely cute mind you, would be just proud of who he had grown into. But no, he had to drag everyone with those shady contracts, trick everyone to profit off them, try to trick me instead of asking for help like a fucking normal person. I would have helped him without any of this idiot contract bullshit if he was just sincere and not an incredibly fucking shady yakuza.

“Jamil. Don't get me started on him, I'm still salty about it. It's a custom in his country, I understand that. His parents were in the wrong, I understand that but. Did he really have to try to fucking kill us? In the bloody desert?! Not to mention, he had Kalim, KALIM! Kalim wouldn't have minded that Jamil told him the truth about him having to play the incompetent servant when he's like a fucking genius. Getting average grades on purpose is really hard, you have to be super smart to do that! Hell, Kalim would have been the first one to support him if he knew the truth! Kalim trusted him, Jamil was his best friend. He even forgave him. With Kalim at his side, things would have been different. But no, Jamil had to fake this shady nice persona to get us to like him, then use everyone for his stupid nonsense and instead of talking! Like normal people! Attempted murder! Of course that is the right answer."

Her rant made him furious. It wasn’t her ranting about the others, as several of them, like Leona, were annoying in many degrees. It was because it showed how she saw the other students, and it made him wonder how she would later see him.

How would she casually dismiss all his struggles?

"I wish I had this much drive to care about stupid shit."

"You are exactly as Leona and Azul said you were,” he replied, wanting furiously to slap her, to make her shut up, “an obnoxious brat who talks as if she knows everything. Casually dissing everyone while supposedly praising them? I thought you were supposed to be a good quiet prefect. Your opinion doesn't matter."

"It does matter because when you die, you can't do anything of these things. You could fall off your broom next class, crack your skull and die, but all you worried about was an idiot meaningless thing, instead of doing what you really wanted."

Vil stared at her, shocked for a moment, her words a slap to his face. He didn't expect them nor the tone she used, a clear-headed but extremely heartfelt answer. It was rational, not spat out in the heat of the moment, almost a product of actual experience.

It was in that moment he realized she genuinely meant what she said before. She was genuinely praising his efforts, the things no one else even considered. And he wasn’t sure how he should feel. He was feeling annoyed, he could imagine her ranting about him next.  'You are an idiot, trying to best Neige in being the fairest.'

But what was the thing she would compliment him on as well?

The answer would have to haunt him, because he was not going to ask her about himself. He was scared of that answer. He was scared of being focused on something wrong, of being told his path was wrong from the start.

He had devoted himself to being the fairest of them all for so long, just to be told it was an impossible task from the start. The effort he put into it would be absolutely meaningless, as they weren’t in a fairy tale, and even if they were, they weren’t its main characters.

“Manager,” he said in a tone that he himself couldn’t discern. It was such, though, that Ann quickly cooled down from her rant, going from emboldened to suddenly stay silent, and hesitant. “I will not repeat myself. Stop talking as if you understand my feelings. You don’t know me, I don’t know you. All you need to know is that you have to devote yourself to the VDC.”

“But… I thought-”

“Yes, you always ‘thought’. Whatever you thought, you are wrong. Stop delving into others’ personal affairs.”

He saw her opening her mouth, but he wouldn’t entertain her any longer. She had damaged him enough, making him fear for a moment of his own goals, to let her destroy his shaking beliefs and crumbling confidence. With a fierce glare, hiding his inner turmoil as he had always done, the iron mask befitting a queen, he looked down on her once before leaving her alone, with only the wind to listen to whatever useless opinion she had to share.

-

This was a challenging fic to write given the limited information we’re given, at the time ofc, about Neige and the nature of the casting, as well as his personality. It was also interesting for me because it’s part of the culmination of the previous chapters. Vil is a very perceptive person and he would normally recognize when someone is genuinely praising him. However, in an overblotting state, where he is stressed and second-guessing himself, it wouldn’t be that hard to see that he finds it difficult to trust strangers, especially someone like Ann.

Ann herself is not entirely right either. She has good points about the others and about Vil, but she tends to see things from her own perspective and how she strongly feels, in particular to people like Azul due to her own personal reasons and past. Hence, she can’t sometimes really relate to things that oppose to what she believes and feels. Because she is also blunt, while well-intentioned, she can come off as obnoxious and intrusive, especially with how she words things. Basically both right now are not well emotionally and logically to reach an agreement and see each others’ points. But Vil wouldn’t be well right now because we’re in the middle of Pomefiore arc, F.

Thank you for reading!

[greencharisard]

I wasn't planning on shading this one, but The Arcana characters without shading just look wrong. Anyway, here we have Shade and his two dumb himbo boyfriends, finding their old anatomy/work notebook, probably somewhere in the underground dungeons. They apparently also used it to write down and doodle during work breaks and trips.. to Vlastomil's estate most likely. Julian recalls that yes, Shade would indeed spend a lot of time with the courtiers when not working or studying magic/medicine; Lucio on the other hand is not exactly thrilled about this (I tried really hard to make is expression a mix of concerned, miffed and a bit angry, not 100% rage, cuz... he's not really angry, just shocked). For funsies, if it's hard to read the notes on the doodles: - Near the portrait of Valdemar: "Note: they saw me draw". - "Wiggler" near... well, the doodle of Wiggler. - "Vulgora flipped another table..." near the bottom left doodle of Vulgora. - "Wine bitch wasn't around today :)" Near the bad doole of Valerius. Valerius is the only one Shade wasn't close to, and almost never showed up at the tea parties, Shade and Vulgora probably pranked him when he was around too. Now, addressing the obvious; if the courtiers knew Shade before they died... why do they interact with them the way they do in the game? Well, there's a variety of reasons: - All 5 in general not recognizing the MC: this is already canon (especially Valdemar, it's canon that you worked with them alongside Julian so... they just don't aknowledge that). In my case: all 5 aren't quite sure on their first meeting that it was Shade, because they changed so much (and went under a different name may I add, Asra had them change it because just their old name would trigger an headache). - Valerius is kind of a bitch and the wine spilling happens like in the old prologue (full on spill on purpose), because even tho he isn't sure they're the same person, he's a petty bitch that holds a grudge. - Volta takes until after the end of the story to recognize Shade, and is the one they reconnect with the fastest, once they find the notebook they go talk with her and even free her from the Devil's chains; she's the only demon that goes back to being human, purely because she wants to and Shade is happy to help (yes I'm still salty that (for now) she only gets an happy ending in Nadia's route, so in my HC she always gets freed post-ending.) - Vulgora doesn't interact with the MC much so they really only figure it out later on; idk what happens to them, they fall in a frozen lake in my main route and it's unknown what happens afterwards, so for now they're stuck in the arcana realms. - Vlastomil is,,, an interesting case, he's the one that was the closest with them, so he was really put off when he realized (I'd say midway trough the story?) that Shade was his old friend... but with none of the memories. Especially in Lucio's route (my main one) Shade wouldn't be too thrilled about the notion, but since Lucio isn't bound to any of his old contracts anymore (so technically there's no reason for Vlastomil to attack him), they make an attemt at talking to him again and reconnect only after quite a bit of time has passed, to be safe (they also have a new familiar they found during an exploration they went on with Lucio; let's just say it's not Ginger but Lucio is still definetly not fond of him... while Vlasty might be). Due to all of this I have to retcon and say Shade definetly doesn't get Ginger for a long time (I also plan on redesigning her so, there's that). - Valdemar is the one that I probably need to explain the most lol. Obviously they have no moral compass, and what little consideration they had for Shade before was thrown out the window after they were brought back without memory. They actually meet once before Nadia introduces them; this is early and brief enough that Valdemar actually doesn't recognize them, but they're the one that catches up on it the fastest. They have of course no regard for them and absolutely would have no problem vivisecting them (again, Lucio's route problems lmao), Shade gets lucky that they're interrupted. Shade had absolutley zero plans on reconnecting with them, but after talking with Julian, and asking Vlastomil about how they used to hang out, they decide to at least try and talk to Valdemar, if anything because having them as friend is better than being enemies. It takes trial and error, Shade starts out by going to meet them in the old dungeon in secret and talk, Valdemar couldn't care less at first, to them it wasn't even the same person; if anything they could be a good test subject. Then Shade starts bringing dead animals for them to dissect, then follow along with the experiments and studies, then starts to help by using magic to make certain organs or limbs move ecc. Eventually they get Valdemar to talk a bit more and fill in Julian's blanks (He could only recall the interaction he'd seen; Shade would often stay behind to work with them overtime), they start being more comfortable around them, addressing them as "doctor" again and not getting goosebumps every time they got close or touched them. The others find out about this waaaay into the process, all of them range from weirded out, to worried, to extreme concern/fear (Lucio); Julian is the one that comes around an accepts it the fastest, he's seen it before after all, but for the others it takes a bit more time. In the end the group may or may not have reformed, with tea parties and reunions happening every time Shade comes back from an expedition with Lucio, he's invited as well of course, but almost never comes along at first (after the first few times he bonds with Vulgora over fighting/sparring and over who can throw chairs the furthest, they get along well enough). So yeah, more the arcana stuff, I was planning on drawing more courtiers stuff, but honestly I don't have the energy and there's still two books left of Lucio's route that may change stuff again so I'm gonna wait. I have to update my MC's outfit and fams tho.

[per-ineptia-ad-astra]

fixing The Menagerie

The circumstances behind The Menagerie pose an interesting writing problem: how do you take an already shot, totally completed episode for an earlier version of a TV show that differs considerably from the version that actually made it to air, and turn it into an episode that you can use now, as part of that later version, in a way that actually makes sense for your audience? That would be challenging enough without the additional problems that 1.) you can't reshoot any of the original episode because you no longer have access to the sets, costumes, most of the cast, etc., and 2.) the whole reason you're doing this in the first place is because you can't get a completely new episode out in time to meet your air date, so whatever your framing device is it has to be something that can be shot and finished very quickly--and cheaply, because at absolutely no point in the making of this show has there been spare money to throw around.

When I recapped The Menagerie (eons ago, it now seems) I said in the conclusion to the second part that I thought the framing device used wasn't as effective as it could have been. So, I figured I’d put my money where my mouth was and see if I could come up with another one. Before I start I want to put out the same disclaimer I used for the Return of the Archons post: I am not a professional TV writer (or a professional anything) and I intend this only as a fun exercise and not an angry and serious screed about the writing quality of TOS, which I do very much love for being what it is. I can only offer what, in my opinion, would make a more enjoyable episode, which may not necessarily be what you would find to be a more enjoyable episode. And if you already greatly enjoy The Menagerie as it is, you probably won’t want to read this.

For the purposes of this post, I’m going to take The Cage itself as written. It has its own problems, and that might be worth its own post at some point, but I’m not going to take it on here. We’ll assume The Cage exists exactly as it was produced, and the problem now is entirely focused on how to turn it into an episode—or two—of TOS.

(And, just to get it out of the way: I’m not going to talk about how either The Cage or The Menagerie play into Discovery, AOS, or the rest of Star Trek in general. It’s obviously a very important episode backstory-wise, but for this, right now, I’m just going talk about it purely as a TOS episode.)

So, with that out of the way, let’s talk about The Menagerie for a moment. What’s wrong with it?

Well, the framing device could certainly have been worse. It’s not terrible. Hell, Part I even won a Hugo, so, guess I’m up against the Hugo committee on this one. But, there are a number of things that I find awkward about it.

In a general sense, there’s the way that, once the flashbacks start, the story is attempting to maintain two separate threads of tension: the flashback story, with the tension being on what’s going to happen to Pike, and the present-day story, with the tension being on what Spock is doing, why he’s doing it, and whether he’s going to wind up getting the death penalty for it. This second thread starts out well—by this point in TOS, we’ve gotten to know Spock well enough to know how out of character all this is for him, which makes the mystery quite gripping. However, once the flashback starts, the story struggles to maintain the tension of this second thread. The attempt to keep the present-day story as tense as the past story only results in breaks away from the action for scenes in the courtroom where something or someone stops Spock from showing the footage, which never results in anything because by the next commercial break they’re back at it. Most of these interruptions are either arbitrary (the screen goes off for no reason and then comes on again for no reason; fake!Mendez randomly decides he’s had enough and tries to stop things) or just not that interesting (Pike fell asleep), and with each one it only becomes more obvious that the only real purpose they’re serving is to pad out the framing story.

The resolution of the present-day story is also rather unsatisfying for a lot of reasons. After so much tension built up about what’s going on and why Spock is acting this way and is his life on the line and is Kirk’s career on the line and how’s he going to get out of this...it turns out that Mendez has been fake this whole time, so nothing he said or did since Kirk left the Starbase matters at all; Starfleet casually waves the whole thing aside with no repercussions, making all the build-up about Spock risking the only death penalty remaining in the Federation mean nothing whatsoever in the end; and we never really get a satisfactory answer as to why Spock insisted on carrying out his court martial the way he did. Sure, eventually the Keeper says the whole court martial was basically staged to stall Kirk so he wouldn’t focus on getting control of his ship back, but not only does that raise further questions—if Mendez was only ever an illusion sent by the Talosians, why did he try to stop the court martial several times? Why did the Talosians turn off the footage at a crucial point, and why did it come on again?--there’s also no reason given why Spock couldn’t just recount what happened himself, which could have taken up enough time if he was careful enough about it, instead of needing the Talosians to broadcast a video version of the events.

There’s also the simple fact that Pike’s ending is itself rather dubious. I suppose this one comes down to a difference of opinion between me and Gene Roddenberry (one of many) since both The Cage and The Menagerie end with a character going to permanently stay with the Talosians, with no concern at all expressed about the fact that the Talosians are cruel, torture-happy, and frankly insufferable wannabe-slavemasters who see humans as nothing more than brute animals to be caged, bred and make to work. I said I wasn’t going to tackle The Cage here so I won’t go off about its ending, no matter how much it pisses me off. But The Menagerie is also at fault here, because it needlessly repeats the exact same problem (with a bit less sexism, but still). The ending of The Menagerie gives us no sign that the Talosians have reformed in any way, and no explanation as to why they suddenly care so much about Pike to go to all this trouble for him. We’re just expected to believe that Pike’s gonna go have a nice happy illusion-life with them even though the last time we saw them they were trying to breed a race of human slaves. Really, Gene? Really?

On that note, the treatment of disability in both The Cage and The Menagerie bothers me a great deal. The effect of Pike becoming disabled is to essentially strip him of all his autonomy. I mean no disrespect to Sean Kenney here, but if they’d replaced him with a mannequin it wouldn’t have made any difference at all to the episode, because in The Menagerie Pike is not a character, he’s a prop. We’re assured repeatedly that Pike thinks and feels as much as he ever did, but we have to be told that by other characters because the episode certainly never takes any opportunity to let us in on any of it. Here’s the sum total of what we know Pike thinks about the events of The Menagerie:

1. He doesn’t want to visit with Kirk and McCoy at the beginning of the episode but allows Spock to stay.

2. He tells Spock “no” when Spock tells him his plan.

3. He keeps repeating “no” the rest of that day, which everyone is confused by but no one makes any effort to understand.

4. He falls asleep at one point.

5. He votes for a guilty verdict for Spock during the court martial, when asked.

6. He says “yes” when asked if he wants to go live with the Talosians.

Pike is treated with sympathy and the respect due to his rank and history, but mostly he’s an object of pity. We’re told he can move his chair himself, but he appears to be confined to one small hospital room that’s not even set up for his needs, and he spends the entire episode being moved around by other people. Everyone talks about how bad his situation is, but only Spock attempts to do anything to improve it—and he does so knowing that Pike doesn’t want him to do it. When Pike tells him “No,” Spock doesn’t ask any questions, he doesn’t try to find out what part of this whole thing Pike is objecting to, he just overrides Pike’s objection on the assumption that Pike is only concerned about Spock doing something so very illegal, a concern he pretty much disregards. He turns out to be right—as far as we can tell—but for all the information Spock has at the time, Pike might have been saying, “No, I don’t want to live with the Talosians.”

It doesn’t need to be that way. Pike’s condition is certainly very severe, but as I mentioned in the recap, there are plenty of other things that could have been done for him, or at least attempted. And even if none of those were done, there are other ways that the episode could have developed his character, or at least treated him like a character. Spock’s discussion at the beginning of the episode could have been a mind meld that allowed us to hear Pike’s thoughts on the matter. Spock could have heard his objections and addressed them, and he and Pike could have come to come to an agreement and actually become co-conspirators instead of Pike spending the entire episode as a helpless hostage to Spock’s plan. We could have gotten a scene of Pike and McCoy interacting after Spock tells McCoy to look after Pike—McCoy’s not only highly suspicious at that point and unlikely to be greatly put off by Spock's order to not ask Pike any questions, he’s also the one who gives a whole speech about how cruel it is that Pike “can’t reach out, and no one can reach in”--so give us a scene where he does reach out! We could have had a scene of Kirk talking with Pike—he’s certainly got plenty to ask the man about, both in general and in regard to the current situation. All he has to do is put a little extra work into how to frame his questions. The Talosians could have delivered a message from Pike at the end, or one of them could have astral-projected in earlier to have a telepathic exchange with him. We could have seen Pike express himself by moving his chair, turning towards or away people when they talk to him, interjecting a “yes” or “no” into a conversation instead of only replying when asked something, or repeating a response incessantly to show that he’s emphatic about something. (Yeah, we kinda get the latter when he’s saying “no” over and over early in the episode, but that’s only treated as a “what could he possibly be trying to communicate??? oh, if only we knew!” moment.) There were so many ways Pike could have been treated as a character, as a person, instead of a plot element who exists to be pushed around in his chair and have speeches made about how tragic his situation is.

Both The Cage and The Menagerie end with a character who is disabled choosing to spend the rest of their lives isolated from the entire rest of humanity on a barren planet inhabited by jackass aliens because, as everyone around them nods and solemnly agrees, that’s a better fate for them than living among human society. To be clear, it’s not Pike and Vina seeking solutions to their problems that I object to. If Vina wants to be represented by what is essentially an avatar of her own choosing, or if Pike feels that an illusory world offers better quality of life for him, that’s entirely their right. But when life with the Talosians is set up as a situation so horrible that we see four characters literally willing to die rather than remain on Talos 4, and then have two disabled characters say “actually it’s better this way if I stay here,” you kind of wind up with a message that looks a lot like “being disabled is a fate worse than death.” I doubt that was intentional, at least not entirely, since we see other disabled characters in TOS who are treated considerably better—but there it is, all the same.

This is not to say that there’s nothing of value in The Menagerie’s framing story. The tension between Kirk wanting to trust his friend but being forced to act in authority over him because he’s undeniably done something very seriously against the rules, and he won’t tell Kirk why, is great while it lasts. Spock’s character is expanded considerably by showing us that there are some things he places above his honor and obligations as a Starfleet officer—and indeed above his own life. We see a bit of his history, a glimpse of a relationship with a former captain that he respects so much that Spock will put everything on the line to secure a better future for him; and we see how much he respects and values Kirk, that he foregoes the chance to explain himself—and thus gain an ally and aid in his cause—because to do so would put Kirk in danger as well. And we get that great little moment where Spock tells McCoy to call security on him and McCoy has absolutely no idea how to react. And we get backstory! And kind-of-continuity! Okay, it’s not much backstory, but by TOS standards it’s practically a goldmine.

I don’t want to throw all that away. But I think there must be some way to address the problems without totally losing the good parts.

It’s only fair, though, that any attempt to improve the episode should keep in mind the circumstances it was made under. I don’t know enough about budgeting and producing TV in the 1960s either generally in or in this specific case to know exactly what was available to them when it came to producing The Menagerie, so I’m just going to try to deduce roughly what we might have to work with based on what what was in the finished episodes:

Much of Part I and all of Part II take place in preexisting sets, either the Enterprise ones or the shuttlecraft interior set. The new sets include the Starbase 11 exterior—which is mostly a matte painting—Mendez’s office, Pike’s hospital room, and the Starbase computer room. The computer room is a redressed Engineering set; I suspect the hospital room is also a redressed existing set, but I don’t know for sure. It’s quite simple regardless, and is clearly mostly using existing pieces (the bed and the chair). Mendez’s office is likewise set up with pretty standard preexisting TOS set dressing pieces, with the exception of some cut-outs outside the window standing in for the Starbase exterior.

Discounting any background extras we have five new characters: Commodore Mendez, Piper, Chief Humbolt (the computer room guy), Lt. Hansen, and Pike himself. Of these, only Mendez and Pike have much significant screen time. So, we can assume that hiring an extensive guest cast is probably not on the table here.

Most of the original cast from The Cage are probably not available. Pike we know is definitely out—Jeffrey Hunter wasn’t willing to come back after The Cage failed, and probably would have been too expensive to hire for two episodes anyway. Leonard Nimoy and Majel Barrett were, obviously, still working on TOS, so presumably we could incorporate past-Spock and Number One if we really needed to. Since Malachi Throne was also on hand for The Menagerie, we could record new dialogue for the Keeper (as The Menagerie did indeed do), but presumably no new footage (Throne voiced the Keeper, but they and all the other Talosians were portrayed onscreen by female actors). I don’t know if any of the other original cast could have been gotten back, but since they weren’t, let’s assume we can’t use them.

Let’s also assume that all of the sets, costumes, makeup, etc., from The Cage are inaccessible. In reality I’m sure at least something was still kicking around in storage somewhere, or was reused for TOS, but there’s no point in trying to figure out exactly what, so for simplicity’s sake we’ll say anything we might want to use from The Cage has to be recreated from scratch, and if it can’t be then we can’t use it.

Because the entire reason this is going on in the first place is because the effects work was making TOS run behind schedule, we can’t have much in the way of effects for The Menagerie, especially post-production effects. There’s a shot of the planet Starbase 11 is on, a matte painting for the Starbase 11 exterior, a couple uses of the transporter, Pike’s chair and makeup, some shots of the Enterprise and the shuttle flying around in space, and some things being shown on screens—and I think that’s more or less about it.

So. If I was told that I had to take The Cage and wrap it up as a TOS episode with the above restrictions in mind, here’s some things I would keep in mind:

If we look at this from a starting-from-scratch perspective, it seems to me that if you have an episode that you need to incorporate into your main show that has an almost entirely different cast, and one of the characters from your original episode, who has never once been seen or even referenced in your main show, is played by an actor that you can’t get back, the simplest thing to do is to not show that character. We don’t actually need Pike himself to be onscreen for The Menagerie. That he would be at least mentioned in some capacity, sure, but we do in fact have the opportunity to avoid putting some poor dude through five hours of makeup by simply having Pike remain offscreen. We'll probably wind up putting someone else through five hours of makeup, but we'll get to that in a bit.

For me at least, if the Talosians are going to re-appear, they either need to still be villains in some sense or we need to know that they have begun to change their behavior in some way. To have them simply show up again and be treated as friendly after everything that happened in The Cage, with absolutely no acknowledgment of the fact that they did do everything they did in The Cage...it just doesn’t make sense, and it’s much too distracting for me to get past.

Although I’ve set the rule that I’m not going to change The Cage itself, The Menagerie being a sequel to those events opens up the opportunity to follow up on the ending of The Cage in a different direction. In other words, I’m going to rescue Vina, because her fate in The Cage really, really bothers me.

Insisting on the preexisting footage being literally shown as a video in-universe has always felt pointlessly awkward to me. It’s so weird that the characters have to stop and go, “Hang on, what? Where’d this come from? This can’t possibly be security footage. Why does it have different camera angles?” to forestall the exact same questions the audience were probably having at that point. And, as I said above, there’s really not a good explanation as to why the footage did have to be shown in that manner. It seems to me that it would be much simpler to have the flashback footage be just that: a flashback. A story which is being recounted, but not literally shown, in-universe. By doing so you avoid having to open up a bunch of dead-end plot threads about why the footage looks the way it does and is being shown the way it does. I think we can give the audience at least enough credit to assume they’ll understand that if a character starts recounting an event, and the scene cuts to footage of that event, that footage is a representation of what the character is saying, not literally something being shown in-universe.

I’m not going to bother with the whole “going to Talos 4 warrants the death penalty!!” thing. It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to begin with, and it never actually pays off in The Menagerie. We can manage a better source of tension than that, I think.

All of this would ultimately take my version of The Menagerie in a pretty different direction than the actual episode, I admit. It's a rather drastic change, but, if I was tasked with writing a framing story for using The Cage in TOS, here's how I'd do it:

The Enterprise is out tooling around doing their usual business when Uhura picks up a distress call from a ship stranded in space. It’s very faint, distant, and there’s something odd about it, but of course they’re gonna follow up on it because that’s how they roll. So they head off in the direction of the call, but the funny thing is that as they get closer, Uhura says that the source of the distress call appears to be moving around. They follow it, send some hails, and finally get back a scratchy, staticky response: it’s coming from a ship that’s been heavily damaged, and the crew is no longer able to steer it, so it’s drifting erratically through space. Kirk has Uhura send a hail: “We’ve received your signal. Keep broadcasting it and we’ll find you.”

They keep following the ship. It’s difficult—the call is weak, and the Enterprise has to go carefully or risk overshooting it. After they’ve been chasing it for a while, Spock points out that they should be wary of entering a nearby star system, because it contains a planet all Federation ships are warned to avoid. Kirk, of course, doesn’t want to give up on the damaged ship, but Spock steps over to his chair and quietly says, “Captain...I should warn you that it may be the lesser of two evils to abandon this ship, rather than risk going too close to Talos 4.”

Kirk, of course, is stunned to hear Spock say this, and asks what makes Talos 4 so dangerous. Spock says it would take rather a long time to explain. Kirk says that Spock almost sounds like he’s familiar with the place, and Spock replies, “More than familiar, captain. I’ve been there before.”

[dramatic sting, cut to commercial]

Since it looks like the damaged ship will take a while to track down, Kirk has McCoy, Scotty and Spock convene in a briefing room to hear Spock’s story. Spock gives a short introduction: “What I am about to tell you, gentlemen, occurred as I said thirteen years ago, when the Enterprise was under the command of Captain Christopher Pike. I’ve pulled up the log entries of Captain Pike pertaining to this time to provide his own perspective on the matter, as it was he that had the closest encounter with the Talosians. At the time, the Enterprise had only recently escaped a disastrous encounter on Rigel 7 which had resulted in the deaths of three crewmen and injuries to several more, including myself. Some of the injuries were beyond the capacity of the ship’s doctors to treat, so we were en route to the Vega colony for treatment when we began receiving a distress signal...”

Spock’s voice-over fades out over a transition to the Cage footage. We watch that--perhaps interspersed with the occasional bit of narration from Spock, or a question from Kirk or McCoy or Scotty--until about the point where the landing party encounters the fake survivors' camp and Pike is captured by the Talosians. Then Spock is suddenly interrupted by Sulu calling Kirk to the bridge. Everyone hurries up to the bridge, where Uhura reports that the distress call has suddenly disappeared. Sulu says it's not just that: somehow, he doesn't understand how or why, his sensors are suddenly showing that they're not on the same course or even in the same place that they were only moments ago. Somehow, they've wound up in the Talos star system--and they're heading directly for Talos 4.

"It is just as I feared," Spock says gravely. "This has all been a trap."

Kirk orders Sulu to change course, and he tries—but somehow the ship doesn’t divert even a little. It’s like the helm just isn’t responding. Kirk does all the usual things, telling Scotty to do something, etc, nothing’s working, and then Uhura reports that they’re receiving a hail. And it appears to be coming from Talos IV.

Naturally Kirk tells her to put it on. The voice on the other end is staticky and faint. "Greetings. Is this...the Enterprise?"

"This is the Enterprise. I'm Captain James Kirk."

Silence for a moment. Then the voice on the other end, obviously surprised, says, "Captain Kirk? Not Captain Pike?"

"Captain Pike no longer commands this vessel."

There's a long pause. "I see. We were...in error. We apologize for the deception, Captain Kirk. It was important that we bring Captain Pike to this planet, but we feared that his...past experiences here...would leave him unwilling to come close enough to hear our message.”

“That would be a most logical decision for Captain Pike, were he here,” Spock says coldly. “Considering the nature of those experiences.”

“You speak as though you are familiar with what transpired here before, then.”

“I am First Officer Spock. I was present aboard the Enterprise as Science Officer during the events thirteen years ago.”

There’s an even longer pause. When the voice returns, the signal is even more crackly than ever. “Our apologies, this communication is...difficult to maintain. We must wait to deliver the message in full until you are...closer to our planet. However...until then...you may be assured, Spock...that this time...” [pause for more crackling] “This time...the intent of the Talosians...is peaceful.”

The signal cuts out, and Uhura can’t get it back. The ship appears to still be locked on course for Talos 4. With seemingly nothing else to do for the moment but wait, everyone goes back to the briefing room, where Spock continues recounting Pike’s story.

At some point, Spock has to pause so everyone can go take a break, and everyone else files out of the room while he remains behind for a moment, staring at the computer contemplatively. Then suddenly, we hear a voice saying, “Spock--” and Spock turns around in surprise. We can’t see exactly what he’s looking at, only a soft glow at the edge of the camera, and then the scene cuts away.

Kirk’s grabbing a nap in his quarters when he’s woken by an urgent message: they’re still some way from Talos 4, but the ship appears to have stopped moving all on its own. He hurries up to the bridge, where Sulu tells him that it seems like they’re having some kind of computer error with the helm, but they can’t track it down yet. In the middle of all this, Uhura whirls around and exclaims, “Sir! Shuttle bay reports Mr. Spock has knocked out the tech on duty and is boarding one of the shuttles!” Kirk yells for security to get down there, but they are, of course, too late: Spock rigged the shuttle bay doors to open automatically and flies out before they can stop him.

Stunned and confused, Kirk orders Uhura to raise the shuttle, which she does.

“Spock, are you out of your mind?!”

“Negative, captain. My reasoning is quite sound, though I regret I cannot explain it to you just yet.”

Kirk yells for the tractor beam to grab the shuttle, but Sulu can’t get the tractor beam to respond either.

“You need not be concerned, captain. I believe it is well within Mr. Scott’s abilities to repair the computer in due time.”

“You did this to the computer?”

“It was necessary. You will find the transporter similarly incapacitated. I could not risk you coming after me, or stopping me. Not yet.”

“Spock—do you know what you’re risking by doing this? You were the one who warned me not to go near Talos 4!”

“Yes, captain. And it is because I know what the Talosians are capable of that I am doing this. Either they are telling the truth, in which case there is no danger...or they are not, in which case it is better that I alone risk doing this.” A pause. “Jim...wait 24 hours for me. If I do not contact you by then...you must leave in all haste.”

“I’m not leaving you behind!”

“You must. 24 hours.” And with that, Spock ends the call. As Uhura’s trying fruitlessly to reestablish contact with him, she suddenly looks up and says, “Captain...we’re receiving a message from...Fleet Captain Pike?”

“What?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well...put him on.”

So Uhura puts Pike on speaker, and Kirk says, “We’re, er, in the middle of a bit of a situation, sir...what can I do for you?”

“I might ask what I can do for you, captain. Mr. Spock left a message requesting that I contact you.”

Stunned pause for a moment. “He did what?” Kirk finally says.

“About an hour ago. I regret I wasn’t able to return his call earlier, but it’s the middle of the night here...Kirk, what’s this all about?”

Kirk sighs. “It’s a long story, captain, and I don’t entirely understand it myself. Uhura, patch this into the briefing room...it’ll take a while to tell.”

A little later, we see Kirk and McCoy sitting in the briefing room as Kirk finishes up explaining everything to Pike. “What do you make of that, captain?”

“I’m not sure what to make of it, Kirk. I can’t imagine why Spock would want to go to Talos 4. All Federation starships have been warned away from there ever since our encounter with them, and Spock’s well aware of that.”

“Yes...Captain, I confess I’m not familiar with the entire story of that encounter myself...Spock was telling us about it before he, er, left, but he hadn’t finished. Could you enlighten us about the rest of it? We do have your logs, of course, but you might have more information--”

“Yes, I see what you mean. I’m not sure I’ll be able to help, but I can at least tell you what I know...”

Pike continues telling the story where Spock left off. Around about the point where Pike and the others escape from the cell, there’s a call from the bridge reporting that their sensors show that the shuttle has landed on Talos 4. Frustrated, Kirk wonders once again just what Spock thinks he’s doing down there.

We then cut to a shot of what looks kind of like the barren landscape of Talos 4, only this time there seems to be a small surface settlement among the cliffs. Then we see Spock entering a small, plainly decorated room with windows looking out to the rest of the settlement. “I am here, as agreed,” he says, and then the camera turns to show us a figure wearing a robe and a hood sitting at a table in the middle of the room.

“Welcome, Mr. Spock," the figure says. "Won’t you sit down?”

Back aboard the ship, Pike finishes telling Kirk and McCoy the story.

“So...that’s all of it?” Kirk says.

“Yes. We left Talos 4 and never looked back. Never heard anything from the Talosians, either, but Starfleet marked the place as too dangerous to visit just in case.”

“Poor Vina,” McCoy murmurs.

Pike sighs. “Leaving her there is one my greatest regrets. She seemed determined to stay, but...Even put in a request to go back, once, but Starfleet wouldn’t allow it. Too risky. I often wonder what happened to her. If she was really happy with them after all. But, as you may have gathered, Kirk, none of this explains just what the devil Spock thinks he’s doing--”

He’s interrupted by a call from Uhura: “Captain—message coming from Mr. Spock!”

“Put him on! Spock, what’s going on? Are you alright?”

“Quite well, captain. Has Captain Pike contacted the ship yet?”

“I’m on the line right now,” Pike says. “Spock, what do you think you’re playing at?”

“Ah, captain. I have someone here who wishes to speak to you.”

We then cut back to Spock sitting at the table with the figure, who takes his communicator and says, “Hello...captain.”

Pike is too stunned to speak for a moment. “Vina...? Is that you?”

“The very same. I’ve missed you.”

“I don’t understand. What’s going on?”

Between them, Spock and Vina explain just what is going on. There's been a change in Talosian society since the Enterprise left. Not all of the Talosians agreed with the plan to breed a slave race to begin with—others felt that they could, and should, attempt to reclaim the surface themselves. The incident with Captain Pike brought matters to a head, and a rebellion erupted shortly afterward. Once in power, the new leaders dedicated their efforts to repairing their ancestors’ machines and establishing a colony on the surface.

The reason the Enterprise was lured back to Talos 4 was Vina: she's had medical problems as a result of the crash and the botched surgery, and it's been getting worse for years, to the point that she likely won't live much longer if she doesn't get proper treatment. The new Talosian leaders wanted to make up for what their predecessors had done and gave her the best care they could, but simply didn't have the human medical knowledge to fix the problem. So Vina asked if they could help her get home, instead. The Talosians were concerned, however, that the Federation wouldn't believe a genuine call for help, given their history, so they hatched the plan to lure the Enterprise, and Pike with it, back to Talos 4. They've been waiting for quite a while, listening to subspace chatter, hoping the Enterprise would come near. Once it did, they put out the illusion of the damaged ship to bring the Enterprise close enough that they could maintain an illusion over the helm controls, making sure the helmsmen were not altering their course as they thought they were.

When they discovered that Pike was no longer aboard the Enterprise, they instead sent a telepathic message to Spock, hoping that his own experience with the Talosians would make him see the difference between their current society and the old one, and thus be more likely to believe them. They had to wait until the ship got close to Talos 4, because the new society of Talosians have been deliberately letting their psychic powers weaken, attempting to break the addiction to illusion that was holding them back from reclaiming the surface. They were able to keep up the illusion of the damaged ship for a while, but couldn't manage that and the illusion on the helm and extended contact with the Enterprise at the same time, making the whole thing very nearly fall apart at one point.

Kirk demands to know why Spock ran off on his own, and Spock explains that while he found the Talosians' message plausible, a risk remained that this was all an elaborate set-up. They might have been attempting another pass at the plan that failed thirteen years ago. If that was the case, Spock would be the least risky member of the crew to make contact with them, since as a non-human he wouldn't be suitable for their plans. Since he knew Kirk would never agree to that, he took the shuttle and hacked the ship's computers to ensure that they wouldn't be able to follow him, at least for a while. He now feels confident that this is not a trap, though, as the Talosians' powers have weakened enough that his own mental defenses are strong enough to mostly see through them.

So Vina accompanies Spock back to the shuttlecraft, and they fly back to the ship. Vina's taken to Sickbay while Kirk confronts Spock about stealing the shuttlecraft. Spock says he'll accept all punishment, but felt he had to do it--he saw what almost happened to Pike on Talos 4, and couldn't risk the same fate happening to Kirk. But he also felt he owed it to Pike to investigate Vina's story, and help her return if that was truly what she wanted. Kirk lets the whole matter go, because of course he does, telling Spock not to try that shit again because he can't lose his best officer and all that.

Kirk and Spock go to visit Sickbay, where McCoy reports that with proper Federation medical care Vina's prognosis is good. Kirk wants to talk to her, but McCoy tells him to wait because she's got another visitor. Kirk glances around the doorway and sees Vina sitting up in bed looking at a video monitor, from which Pike's voice is coming. Kirk smiles and says he'll come back later.

Everyone goes back to the bridge, and with the computer damage now fixed, they're preparing to leave, when Uhura reports that there's a call coming from Talos 4. Kirk has a short conversation with the Talosian on the other end, who is glad to hear that Vina will be alright. They also ask that Kirk relay a message to Pike, extending their apologies for what he went through, which Kirk assures them he will. He then adds that the Federation would likely be willing to open trade negotiations with the new Talosian government, and the Talosian says they may take them up on that. And with that, the ship flies off.

Most of this story would only require the existing Enterprise sets, and potentially some brief shots of the shuttle interior. The only new locations needed would be the Talosian settlement exterior, which could be a matte painting, and the inside of the building where Spock meets Vina, which wouldn't require much dressing. The only non-main-cast characters would be Pike, Vina, and the Talosian that contacts the Enterprise. The Talosian is a voice-only role. Pike is also a voice-only role, and would require someone who can approximate Jeffrey Hunter's voice, but it's a lot easier to find a sound-alike than someone who's a sound-alike and a look-alike--plus Pike would be thirteen years older than in The Cage, which allows some leeway. I don't know if Susan Oliver would have been willing/able to come back to play Vina, but if she wasn't, a hood, wig, careful camera shots and some old-age makeup would probably serve well enough to disguise another actress. The only special effect needed is a bit of glowiness for the Talosian that appears to Spock just out of frame.

As for the fate of Pike himself, I don't want to erase a disabled character, but I also don't really feel that Pike's appearance in The Menagerie does any justice to him as a disabled character. Did Gene always envision that kind of fate for him or did he simply seize upon it as a plot device in a desperate moment? I don't know, so in the end I decided to leave it more or less open. There would be considerable leeway for multiple options that would still allow him to serve the same role in this episode: he could be commanding another ship, he could retired and settled down somewhere, he could have suffered an accident as he did in canon and spend this entire episode talking through a voice synthesizer. Imagine whatever one feels most suitable to you.

This is only my own take on the story. I know it would have considerable repercussions to later Star Trek canon and I'm not going to make the claim that those repercussions themselves would be better than what actually happened. It's certainly a more hopeful ending than The Menagerie, on the whole, which may not be everyone's cup of tea. But it was an interesting exercise.

[anxietycalling]

Ugh. Ugh. It's been a week since the Atomic Mom went off and, like, I still feel weird about it. I keep not doing anything about it thinking that that's progress because I used to be volatile and reactionary, but is it? Or my silence making me an accessory to her transphobia?

I thought cutting her out would make me feel better, and for a second it did, but I am anxious about it so I keep checking her page like that's going to give me some insight. Spoiler alert: it doesn't. And I just keep thinking about all the things she doesn't know about or doesn't want to know about - Husband, my name change - and it's a mess. It's a mess!

Part of me keeps thinking I should write her a letter, or something, but then I remember the way she absolutely refused to read anything I write despite admitting I had talent. She found something I wrote once, when I was 12, and I used curse words in it so she decided I was a terrible pornographic miscreant forever. I think I was 18 the first time I even wrote a sex thing.

And, like, what would I even put in a letter? "Here's a list of all the horrible things you said to me? Here's my updated birth certificate but also please take me out of your will?" Saying something feels like a nuclear option, but not saying something means she gets to live with her blindfold on pretending she's the greatest mom ever.

I know, I know, this is probably stuff for therapy, but it's too fucking expensive right now, and one of the cats needs a vet visit because she broke a tooth, and I think I am moderately spiraling because in the past I would ask her for help but I don't want to "use her" - her words, not mine.

I don't know. It's complicated because at one time she did give me literally thousands of dollars while I was ruining my life in California. She did bail me out when I needed it, even if she did think I was on meth. (Please note, I have never even done one drug. I am a recovered alcoholic, but that's it, I spent a year drinking my feelings and hated it.)

But also! Also, she tried to get the SPCA to break literal federal confidentiality law to punish me, tried to have me arrested for animal hoarding, all because the drug addict who lived in an apartment before us left her two pregnant cats behind. We tried our hardest to rehome those fucking kittens and keep them healthy with no one helping us. Like, the majority of my money from working went to cat care and she still thought we were just doing drugs all the time. I don't even know. I don't even know!

I am so not the drug sibling in this dynamic. My older brother sold drugs up until he moved out the second time, he sold them from our garage and she never even blinked. My older sister got busted with weed and a bong in the front seat of her car, even did jail time for it (which shouldn't have happened, but still!) and that was just fine. But I constantly try to be a better person and I'm just, like, evil or something?

I know I am never going to win her approval. She sees me as something less than human, okay, some kind of Frankenstein monster.

Some days I wake up and just wish I could hurt her as big as she hurt me. I think maybe that makes me a bad person. I don't know. Can you even hurt someone who doesn't have a heart?

It bothers me a lot that she's never once asked about Husband or my dating life or, like, anything. She wants the beautiful pictures from my sisters' weddings and all the trappings that go along with it, but my actual marriage is a sham to her because I didn't ask her fucking permission. And, like, hell yeah I ran away from her house to be with Husband, because he's awesome, but also because we both recognized if I didn't get out of there I would be dead by now.

Like, I was essentially a prisoner in my own home. I had to account for everything I did to her, constantly, and every dollar I spent, and every phone call and communication. It's exhausting. Who wouldn't take the opportunity to escape if they could? Who wouldn't take the opportunity NOT to be constantly surveilled?

We have never once talked about it, but I know she installed keyloggers on all my devices up until I moved out at 19 and cut her off the first time. I am still constantly terrified that I'm being monitored. I still have trouble even letting Husband use my phone or laptop just in case. He's very considerate and he knows how hard it is for me, but sometimes I wish I could just let him google something without feeling like I need to hover over him the whole time.

I wish I knew what to say. I want to write her a letter, something really scathing, but I know it's useless. She'll just use it to make herself the victim, like she always does, and just add it to her arsenal of why trans people are the enemy and only transition specifically to hurt her.

What is there to say?

Hey, you say and do really hurtful things whenever I try to open up to you? And every time I do you act like I'm personally attacking you with my happiness, so don't call me your kid anymore unless it's to call me your son who you love and support. Don't send me your pity money on holidays so we can sidestep the fact that my appearance in your family tree is an embarrassment. Just don't, okay? Don't act like our family is good and normal when you can't even acknowledge my existence, when you lie to all your friends about how I've been and who I fucking am. Don't act like you didn't try to squash all my interests constantly, or treat me like a deviant, or tell me my first tattoo made me look like I belonged in jail.

The tattoo thing makes me really mad, actually. When things were briefly good between us I had a really cute mother-son tattoo idea. I wanted her to get R2-D2 and I'd get BB-8, because we both love Star Wars and BB is the little baby droid. Maybe it's a good thing we never did it. I don't get why tattoos are this awful, ugly thing to her when she literally got her belly button pierced during her midlife crisis. Especially cause any time I got a new piercing she freaked the fuck out. I got my septum pierced at 16 and hid it from her for years. I was 22 when she found out and her reaction was exactly what I thought it would be. The piercing wasn't even out, it was just the shadow of the retainer in my nose, and she acted like I'd tattooed my entire face or something.

I am so angry that my mom never told her shitty friends I'm trans. It shouldn't be my job to out myself to her redneck friends. It shouldn't be my job to put myself in danger constantly to justify my existence in the hopes of eventually getting the crumbs of affection she's willing to throw my way when she feels guilty enough. It's supposed to be her job to protect me. It's supposed to be her job to protect me from feeling bad, and that extends to the dysphoria of being dead named when I am a literal man with tattoos and a beard and enough back hair to knit a sweater out of.

I just! I wish she'd come out just once and say "I am horrible and transphobic and don't think you should be allowed to exist and be happy, and I think your body is gross." Like, it wouldn't be so bad if she would actually admit what is going on here. It's been 15 years and she is not trying at all.

I wish I could figure out what the fuck to say. I want to just shove everything into an envelope and send it and be done with it. The ball can be in her court to decide what she wants to do.

The worst part about all of this is that I can almost see it from her perspective. Well. Her perspective if she were a human being and not an emotional vampire. She's never been able to look past herself and see situations as they actually are. And I feel bad for her sometimes, because her sisters have fulfilling lives and leave her to do the crappy stuff like caring for my grandparents. I feel bad that she's probably jealous of how close my aunts and uncles are with their kids. But she doesn't realize that that's her fault for being so rigid and unforgiving and stubborn. If she were willing to change, or admit fault at all, we'd be a lot closer.

My brother still cries about her and why she doesn't love him sometimes. He's still looking to fill that hole where parental love should be. He's repeating our parents' patterns because he's hurting, too, and until our mom learns to be a human person he's just gonna keep getting hurt.

Times like this make me really wish there were an easy solution. I've read so many books and articles on estrangement I could be an expert by now.

Is it bad that a very petty part of me just wants to post more pictures and tag her on Facebook to make all her friends have to see it? Is that something? I know I shouldn't actually do it lest she cause a huge shitstorm, but it would feel so personally satisfying for a minute before the regret and panic set in.

Maybe I will print out that thing she posted and just literally mail that to her along with whatever letter I end up eventually writing her.

[3laxx]

Wind Chapter 14

Post fight care

Whaddup suckers!! Back with a new chap! Some self indulgent DJWifi, I hope that's okay with you xD But I really need to get back into writing and these two dorks are actually helping me massively, so, bear with me here xD Anyway! I'm updating, surprisingly so! That was a damn fast year, happy Halloween 2020 and shiz lololol Enjoy!

Ao3 / FF.net

“Oh my god, Nino, I was worried sick!! Where did you go during the fight?!”, he squinted his eyes at Alya’s reaction while Master Fu was busy removing the bandage around the hand that didn’t hold his phone.

“… I, uh-… I ran away, Alya. I was scared.”

“You could’ve just told me that, I would’ve turned around with you!”, she yelled now, making Master Fu smirk silently. The deadpan Nino sent through the silent line was enough to make Alya visibly roll her eyes, “… Okay, maybe I wouldn’t have turned around with you. But I at least would’ve liked to know before you bolted.”

He just sighed, nodding gratefully at Master Fu who now started rolling up the bandage, revealing healed skin.

“I’m sorry, Alya.”, he mumbled, “I didn’t mean to leave you behind like this. The car came flying and I just-… Wanted to get away.”

His own lie made him cringe as it was now his girlfriend’s turn to sigh. He wished he could tell her why he ran away, and he really didn’t want to take the role of a scaredy-cat now, that he had a secret identity to keep. A second life in which he was needed to be courageous. He already saw it coming how the acting would fuck with his head.

But she didn’t seem to catch on, much to his relief. Master Fu had told him about the magic keeping the veil over their secret identity, so nobody could actually tell. Actually, Alya went quiet for a while, giving him the chance to warm up a little by drinking a bit of his tea, while waiting for her to speak up again.

“… Was it because of that panic attack?”, she asked slowly, and immediately made him feel guilty again for leaving her behind like this.

But he had a secret to keep from her now. He had a responsibility now, a second life, and he had to keep it from her at all costs. Not to endanger her or his family. Or his friends’ lives again. Especially Adrien’s life. Hawkmoth couldn’t know another one in the class of his son was a superhero. The connection was too obvious.

“… Nino?”, she tried again and he snapped out of it.

“Y-Yeah. Because of the panic attack.”

Again, silence filled their call and he shared a glance with Master Fu, feeling entirely uncomfortable in his skin. He had to make her believe it had been because of the panic attack, otherwise she wouldn’t get off his tail. Nothing against Alya, but even regarding her loved ones, her reporter curiosity sometimes got the best of her.

“Are you home?”, she asked now and he squirmed under the raw worry in her voice, feeling that she was ready to put on her jacket and go to him.

“Uhm. Yeah. I’m home. Wanna meet?”, Master Fu looked up to him and squinted his eyes, making Nino helplessly shrug.

“I’ll be right there!”, she sounded relieved, so relieved he wanted to cry.

“O-Okay, see you in 15.”, his reply already got swallowed in the final beeping sound, signaling him she had hung up, probably to hurry over to him. With hunched over shoulders he finally met Master Fu’s gaze and gulped, seeing the old man huffing at his rash response.

“You’ll need to hurry, young Nino.”

The boy sighed in exasperation and nodded, trying to get up but finding himself unable to at first. It needed a helping hand from his master and a bit of work to get to his feet, making him groan.

“I’m sorry, Master Fu… But she would’ve been suspicious if I hadn’t been home.”

The old man just nodded at that, completely understanding, but Nino could tell he was not exactly happy about letting his student go that quickly after his first Akuma attack, especially when being in a hurry.

“Yes, I understand. She is worried, she wants to make sure you are fine. But what are you going to tell her about this?”, he gestured to Nino’s blue jaw, making the boy flinch.

“W-Well… I fell over some street barriers? Or some stairs while looking back?”

He thought he could see a slight smirk on the old man’s face before he turned his back to him, to put back the bandage from where he had taken it.

“I see, your lies are about as much believable as Ladybug’s.”

Nino rolled his eyes to that but nodded, humming.

“Yeah, yeah, just laugh about me. Wayzz, Shields up!”, with a flash of green he transformed and groaned at the shield resting on one of his many bruises. The master just sent him a smirk, before pushing a tiny tube into his hand.

“This one will help with the bruising. And tell Chat Noir that you will need to learn how to cushion a fall and absorb a hit. Alright?”

Carapace nodded, waving at Master Fu with the small tube, then he jumped out of the back window, quickly getting onto the roofs and running back home. On his way he passed Alya, who thankfully didn’t look up and was a good ten minutes away from his home still, so he went ahead, transformed back in a hidden doorway, only to “arrive home” for his parents.

Luckily, they didn’t question why he was already back home, since they had heard of the Akuma attack earlier today, and he managed to get to his room relatively quickly, so his mom wouldn’t see his jaw. With a relieved sigh, he closed the door behind him, then he gave Wayzz a small bowl of sunflower seeds which he hid behind some books in his cupboard, as the doorbell already sounded through the apartment. Alya was here.

With a grimace he sat down on his desk chair, pretending to be on the computer, and to be out of direct view from his door, then he waited for his mother to call him and let him reply to just send Alya to his room.

Luckily, just a few seconds later, Alya entered the room without his mother, mindfully closing the door behind her, only then Nino dared to turn around and immediately shush her before she would react loudly.

Alya, being the quick thinker, only lifted her hands to her mouth, then she crossed the room and gingerly took his face between her hands, cupping his jaw so softly he almost didn’t feel it.

“Oh gosh Nino…”, she exhaled, and he already saw her eyes getting a little wet at his condition.

“D-Don’t worry.”, he tried with an apologetic smile, “It’s just a bruise. In two days, it’ll be gone. Just, uh, mom doesn’t know about this and I’d like to keep it that way.”

Alya scrunched her eyebrows together but decided to say nothing as of now, just inspecting his jaw and swallowing back her tears, then she squinted her eyes at him.

“… What happened?”, her voice was dangerous.

“U-Uh, I tripped. When I ran away. It’s okay though, really.”, he tried, not really keeping his voice stable enough for his taste, but for her it seemed to be enough. He gulped inconspicuously as she turned away, running her hands through her hair.

“God, Nino, what am I supposed to do with you?”, she groaned so he not really quickly got up and pouted at her when he grabbed her hips, turning her back to him to catch her eyes.

“Well… Ladybug and Chat Noir can’t exactly keep me from tripping… And, I mean, shouldn’t you be happy you don’t have to worry about a plus one in a fight?”

His attempt at a smile was quickly overshadowed by her devastating deadpan, so he already shrunk together at the scolding he’d get from her, but instead she just deflated, resting her shaking head against his chest and lifting her hands beside it, brushing over his shirt.

“… Just look out where you’re going…”, she pleaded, and he earned her rolling her eyes when he made a joke. “You really wanted to blame me for falling over a couple of stairs just now?”

She gruffly pushed against him but made sure to keep close, still leaning her head against his chest.

“Don’t test it, Lahiffe. Just don’t test it.”

He laughed and kissed her head as she mumbled the same question as before, wondering what she should do with him, then he nudged her forehead.

“You could kiss me?”, he suggested as she leant back to look up to him, already grinning painfully at the little smirk on her lips. She gave up on pretending to still be angry, he felt it, and gave him a tiny peck on the cheek, being well aware of his bruise not to pain him any more than necessary.

“That’ll have to do for now. Let’s get on the bed.”

He suggestively waggled his eyebrows which just earned him a look, then he lied down and offered to cuddle with her, which she accepted in relief.

Softly, Alya’s weight pushed down the mattress beside his hips, then he felt her lying down on her side, resting her head on his shoulder and pulling her legs up, nudging him to rest his legs over hers.

“… That feels way better…”, he admitted, glad to be off his feet for today, and to be in a position that hurt considerably less than the hard mat on Master Fu’s floor.

“And now, the therapy session is a go.”, his girlfriend mumbled in his arms, closing her eyes while she yawned.

“Hm, you didn’t sleep as much. Say, what is keeping you up at night?”

He chuckled at the light pat on his chest that she gave him instead of another push, appreciating her being so soft right now.

“No, I mean, your therapy session. What was that about before the fight? That panic attack you had?”

He huffed and looked up to his ceiling, his eyes wandering over the remains of small plastic stars that he had stuck on the walls and ceiling as a little kid, which could glow in the dark.

“Eh… You know… Old memories.”, he replied vaguely and immediately felt her hand sliding up his chest to the point where Hawkmoth had stabbed him. It annoyed him to push that scar, that memory, back up in their heads and to repeatedly direct the talk to this topic, but he couldn’t help it. It was the perfect cover up for his secret identity and he needed her to believe he was becoming genuinely scared of Akumas now, to absolutely rule out any possibility of him being Carapace.

It was the easiest way, and he had the opportunity of pretending this trauma was the reason for him to stay away from fights.

Well, it wasn’t exactly untrue, he knew that. The panic attack had been real, and it had been based on that event, that much was true. Well, and the responsibility of having to fight his very first Akuma as a real team member and of course the crushing fear he’d felt of now having to be an actual part of the fight. It had been easy, watching and standing by the sidelines, cheering for his childhood heroes back then. And it had still been easy when they had grown up, coming to the mindset of carelessness, where he had the attitude of “Ladybug and Chat Noir will handle it anyway, what’s there to care about”.

It had of course changed when the Miraculous cure had gone missing along with Ladybug, when every damage had started to stay, and when he was suddenly forced to be in a lot more fights than he had felt comfortable with.

The Desertifier incident was a perfect example of that. He had finally felt, for the first time, how stressful it was to be in the middle of a fight, and he had finally understood how bad it had been for Ladybug and Chat Noir these past years, how hard these months alone had been on Chat, actually.

But he had still not been a prime target on the Akuma’s radar.

He had still been a harmless civilian, a wannabe hero, and most importantly, not a threat.

Now, with his suit, his shield and his new powers, he posed a threat in the Akumas’ eyes and he knew, now he was gonna be a target, worth the attention of a fighter, not a bystander.

Of course, this was scary.

Not that he could actually tell Alya that, of course. He’d have to explore the trauma idea more.

“… Does it still hurt sometimes…?”, she suddenly asked, her speech mumbled because her mouth was pressed against his shirt, her face squished against his chest. It was not at all what he had expected, hence he spluttered for an answer before trying to calm his beating heart at the sudden intimacy with which Alya talked to him about this.

She was normally not one to beat around the bush, he had gotten to know her as a very straight-forward girl and he knew she didn’t have a stick up her ass. Insults, slurs, lewd topics, even black or coarse humor wasn’t a problem for her. She wasn’t going to mince matters.

But being open about problems?

Actually, talking about stuff that weighed down on her, or telling people honestly that she didn’t feel good about a thing that happened, that was not her style. It was connected to a lot of effort for her to voice something like that so he naturally was a bit taken aback at her asking him that so openly. Especially since he sensed where the talk would go.

“… I-I mean-… Yeah, sometimes…? Like, when I think back at it, or have a nightmare about it… Or when I’m reminded of something similar… Then it kinda hurts. What about you?”

He gingerly touched her arm resting on his chest, over the multiple little cuts that still visibly stood against her brown skin with a faint, unnatural silver, as if they had just a few weeks ago. They both knew, even if they had healed off completely, that she would forever wear them as a reminder of the Cataclysm bursting through her skin, and he knew they still sometimes flared up, making her flinch, when she was too close to Chat’s magic.

Alya merely nuzzled close as a response to his question, humming in discomfort, making him cuddle her closer and almost pull his hand away from hers, just when he felt her holding onto his fingers.

“… Sometimes…”, she hesitantly spoke up, keeping her face hidden from him, not having to make eye contact. He knew she didn’t like that during the few real talks they had, “… I don’t wanna admit it… But maybe Plagg’s right about them being magical… Maybe I should see him about that again…”

Nino nodded and closed his eyes, to make her feel more at ease with him not pressuring her to look at him.

“… Maybe… Though, he did have the theory that Chat’s Cataclysm in that Observatory pulled out all the remaining magic. Since, it only adds up to destruction, doesn’t stop it.”

Alya huffed and nodded, then she pulled her hand out of his to wrap her arm around him, resting it over his stomach and holding him close.

“… Yeah, maybe… Oh well. Plagg said if I keep away from magic, I’ll be fine either way, so, even if there’s something left inside my body, I’ll be fine.”

With a heavy sigh he nodded at that, then he made eye contact with Wayzz in his bookshelf, pressing his lips together.

“… S-Sure… If you keep away from magic…”

He could only hope Plagg meant the black cat’s destructive magic. But he’d have to ask Master Fu about that.

[jordan202]

15x10 Review

At your demand, here it is!  Since you guys have flooded my inbox with requests, and I am now going to flood your timeline by replying to each one muahaha.

I have to say, I didn’t have many expectations going into the episode, which turned out to be great, because I was very positively surprised, especially with the finale(s). Let’s go through that.

Ok so, there is an established tendency in Grey’s to center subplots of an episode around the same common theme. For me, this episode was entirely focused on choices.

Catherine dealt with her choice to hide her cancer from her family and loved ones.

Meredith continued with her saga and her unavoidable upcoming choice between DeLuca and DeLink.

Bailey and Webber chose not to allow their mental health issues to dictate who they are.

Glasses chose to be Lenses.

Owen chose Amelia.

And I made my choice too.

 I will explain that better! Click on the expand button and join me on the ride!

The episode picks up in the immediate aftermath of the last installment. Tom is asking for Amelia’s help in coming up with a treatment plan for Catherine’s tumor, but it’s her mind isn’t very focused. She is tearing up, clearly distressed by the (IMO) very mature decision she and Owen just made to give each other time to process what’s going on. It’s not necessarily a breakup, more like a timeout to get your head out of the water and see things in a different perspective.

What I really liked about this scene was how obviously affected Amelia was. None of us like to see her suffering, of course, but it was a remarkable display of affection and longing for the man she loves, and the relationship she is so invested in. I remember last season one of my main criticisms about the way they were writing Amelia was that they gave a lot of focus to the repercussions of her post-tumor status at the workplace, but gave little room to her personal life. We saw how the tumor affected Amelia’s work skills, but we rarely got to see how her emotions were in her journey to figure out who was sans tumor.

This season however we are getting a full plate of Amelia’s feelings and thoughts, and so far I like this feast. I like that her vulnerable side is again at the table, because this is a character we can absolutely relate to.

Meanwhile, we see Teddy pursuing a job, so she of course, went to Bailey. Bailey is someone I used to admire a lot in the first seasons, but have come to quite dislike as the seasons progressed. I have to say though, she absolutely nailed it with her reaction to Teddy’s pregnancy. To me, her body language was saying “Oh, so you got yourself in this complicated situation, moved here at your own will without even bothering to check if you’d be welcome first, and now you’re acting like you’re a victim to your own demise? Yeah, I am not interested in hearing about that. Go find someone else to whine to.”

Bailey walking out of the situation is exactly what I felt like doing when I first learned about this storyline. It just seems excessively contrived, unnecessary, avoidable and absolutely unwelcome. No one needed that drama. No one.

But since the writers apparently weren’t done making Teddy even more of a pity case than she already has become, we had to witness her insulting both Maggie and Karev (probably the two people more like to back Amelia after Owen).

What bothered me about this moment isn’t the fact that Teddy was dumb enough to change her entire life without checking first. It wasn’t even the fact that she quit her job and changed continents to pursue a guy who clearly doesn’t want to be with her, and now acts like she is being demonized because she can’t get what she wants. It’s rather the way she arrogantly puts herself above others and talks down on people she doesn’t even know.

Owen appears and somehow, he looks hot and manly even when wiping his runny nose. Typical Owen to work even when he has the flu (as a pediatric intesivist, I wonder who gave them the flu in the first place?) That’s right, I am looking at you, you daycare virus carrying little monster.

Owen then learns that while Seattle has many hospitals, Teddy has chosen to work at the exact place he is in. Because that won’t make everything even more complicated, right? But apparently, as every other decision that Teddy makes that affects him too, he is not consulted and is the last one to find out. And whereas Owen has no say in where Teddy decides to work or not, her lack of courtesy and consideration for the way her decisions are affecting his life becomes quite highlighted here.

“Do you know that Alex Karev is interim chief?”

Uh, no Teddy, he doesn’t. He’s only been running a department at the hospital for a decade now, but has no idea who is in charge and who he should report to. HEHEHEHE 

Teddy is upset that Owen is angry with her, and she tells him that the only reason why she changed her entire life was FOR HIM. That’s right, FOR HIM. She immediately follows it with a “so that you could be a part of the baby’s life”. And I know this was not intentional, but talk about a Freudian slip. I will explain.

Never since this entire thing began (and this is one of the main reasons why I have a beef with this arc and the hypocrisy of the writers by saying they are not “making a triangle”, “putting woman against woman”, etc) Teddy has never really made it about the child. Instead, this is all about herself. About the sacrifices she’s done, what she wants, what’s better for herself. I didn’t see her making one decision based on what’s best for the baby. Initially, she was worried about how Owen would receive the news, worried that he might “claim her” for the wrong reasons, worried that she might be vilanized, etc. Aside from the first moment we found out she was pregnant, I haven’t seen Teddy expressing joy or taking comfort in the fact she is having a baby, or making it about the baby. By saying she “the entire reason I upended my entire life was for you,” to Owen, she is confirming with words what we’ve seen her doing with actions, which is pursuing Owen despite the fact he was horrible to her in Germany, pretty much ignored her presence ever since she arrived in Seattle, chosen Amelia over her repeatedly, and hasn’t done anything to deserve her consideration. Teddy’s lack of self respect added to her ulterior motives have turned her into someone quite hard to root for.

I mean, she was the one who had a steady job in Germany. According to herself, she had a good social life, a great job, friends, a system that supports mothers. If that was so great, why did she even move? By her description, life in Germany was better for her and for the baby, so how come Owen’s needs and wishes were placed before her own, at the point that she moved to Seattle for him?

Grey’s writers, you are doing a terrible job inspiring people out there who are in similar positions.

Anyway, the conversation ends with Owen pointing out that had Teddy not taken that long to inform him of the consequences of their action (and let me point out that not once Owen has even considered not taking responsibility for them, as he should), things might have not escalated so much. He used the words “Crap Situation.”  It really is a crap situation, because Owen is getting to have something that he has always longed for, but in the worst possible conditions. He’s always wanted a family, but having a baby with someone other than the woman he loves wasn’t what he had in mind and we all know it.  

Amelia shows up just in time to hear the last bit of the conversation, and without the context, she has every reason to be upset, especially considering we’ve seen how much she’s hurting over this. We’ve seen passive aggressive Amelia before, but passive aggressive vulnerable Amelia has got to be a fan favorite.

Casting Teddy aside, Owen is quick on his heels to chase her.

In the following scene, we see Owen trying his best to communicate and apologize, but Amelia is not going to make it easy for him. When I first watched this scene, my first thought was “great, now we’re back to season 13 and Amelia is pushing Owen away and torturing him and we’re gonna have to endure long weeks of that.”Thankfully, that was not the case. Sarcasm can be a real outlet to deal with hurt feelings, but it’s not funny when it’s a character’s (or person’s) only resource.

Tom is quick to meddle in the conversation and while at it, he is quick to pester Owen about his “flu”. “We’re busy. Way too busy to catch whatever it is that you’re losing a fight against, so…” It might seem Tom doesn’t care about what’s going on, but I see it as him taking Amelia’s side and helping her avoid dealing with a situation she is not exactly in a condition to confront right now.

After unsuccessfully trying to get Amelia to talk to him (Owen actually volunteering to talk about his feelings, what a nice change!), Owen accepts that it’s not happening and retreats. I honestly expect to witness many more of these little battles between Tom and Owen in the future, because the dynamics this can potentially have is very exciting.  It’s a nice clash of the Alpha Male versus the Omega Male and it’s a huge turn on. I need more of that in my screen instead of having to put up with Jackson Soy Boy Avery as the representation of masculinity on the show. 

Teddy then resorts to Maggie, but the conversation doesn’t go very well. As the current chief updates her on how the department is run, Teddy’s primary response is to make sure Maggie knew she was responsible for making improvements when she was in charge. Teddy preaches an honest exchange, and the hypocrisy of her claim added to the resentful way she made her remark lead Maggie to (rightfully) question her logic.

And instead of simply admitting that hiding her pregnancy for so long wasn’t right, which would have put an end to the conversation and probably embarrassed Maggie to bring out a personal issue during that professional conversation, Teddy just infuriates us even more by somehow trying to justify herself. 

I mean, I am not saying Teddy owes Maggie any kind of explanation, but she is the one who went to Maggie in the first place. If she wants to be considered as a candidate, and if she wants to work under Maggie, the least she can do is try to make a good impression. But nope, not gonna happen. Teddy might as well just keep playing her victim card.

Meanwhile, Amelia and Tom are still trying to figure out a way to approach Catherine’s tumor and he drops one of the best lines in the episode. “Don’t take your baby daddy drama out on our tumor baby”. Tom is just becoming a fan favorite at this point. My favorite thing about the guy is that, while he is very supportive of Amelia and her feelings, he doesn’t put up with any bullshit and doesn’t care for drama. I really can relate to how practical he is about things, and while the “suck it up”approach  isn’t the best or healthiest motto to live by, there are moments in our lives (and I can personally attest it) where we have to put our feelings aside and just focus on work, because at this job, a poor performance can lead to immeasurable consequences.

Another good sequence comes in, in which Tom asks Amelia where is that neurosurgeon who operated on Nicole Herman’s tumor, to which Amelia replies “that was brain tumor Amelia. Non-Brain Tumor Amelia is a reasonable surgeon, who asks reasonable questions.” I think the situation with Catherine’s tumor and this important, complicated surgery is a perfect moment for Amelia to sort of regain some of her confidence. I disagree that the Amelia who operated on Herman was inconsequent and unreasonable. She was bold, driven, she took a leap of faith. Yes. But we also saw a lot of Amelia questioning herself, overthinking her plan, carefully considering each little detail. That’s why I say this tumor arc was a total retcon, because back on season 11 it was not at all obvious that Amelia had anything pathological going on (unlike for example the moments in the s14 premiere, when she acted like a crazy person who wasn’t considering any risk when she set out to operate on that boy’s face against Jackson’s advice - that was a forced, artificial moment). The Herman arc served to establish her as neurosurgeon just as talented and skilled as Derek (or perhaps even better). It wasn’t out of character and inconsequent at all. 

I think even if this upcoming operation turns out not to save Catherine, there can still be success at some level, or even some kind of breakthrough for Amelia (and Tom). Amelia has always been a brilliant, determined surgeon, but unlike Derek, she always humble. She always respected her enemy (the tumors) and the rules of the game . Right now, even if she takes on a more conservative approach and needs more time to carefully go through everything, it doesn’t mean that her brilliance and resourcefulness went away with the tumor. Impulsiveness has nothing to do with talent and vocation. The tumor was causing the first, not enhancing the latter. And I am glad that they are pointing out the fact Amelia is more reasonable now, not only with words but also with actions.

As Amelia and Jo exchange a conversation about a technology that can potentially help the neurosurgeons in their quest to beat the tumor, Tom steals the scene by making the most hilarious faces. Greg Germann is a gem, and he is so charismatic that his version of Dr. House (also known as Tom Koracick) came out better than the original. I also love how unimpressed Amelia is about Tom’s whoreness. I imagine that she’s had to put up with him acting like that around women a million times while she was studying under him. Just priceless.

At the same time that is going on, Owen is apparently really sick. In reality, it looks like he was just done performing at a Rocky Horror play, but we are meant to buy that he was perfectly healthy the day (or night?) before but then developed some nasty flu symptoms in a spam of a few hours that actually required intravenous rehydration. 

But when Owen got accidentally injected with propofol, I understood the purpose. Sadly, we are not getting to see him sing Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me. What a pity. I was getting hyped about this.

When Owen is knocked down and can’t breathe, he is intubated and taken into a room, and that’s where the vomit-inducing part of the episode came, because we had to put up with Teddy acting all wife-y over him.

It doesn’t take long before she points out how much of a victim she is again, this time asking for Owen’s sympathy. Teddy is even bold to say that she didn’t do anything against Amelia, which I absolutely disagree with. She might not have attacked Amelia directly, but by withholding the information she should have disclosed a lot sooner, Teddy invariably brought Amelia into a situation she could have chosen not to be a part of had Teddy spoken sooner.

Teddy says she doesn’t understand why she is the only one who has to sacrifice anything (which she was never asked to do, by anyone), and then suggests that Owen moves to Germany (because again, she doesn’t want to do anything to Amelia lol). Forget Amelia, let’s us be reminded that Owen has Leo, a foster child whose custody he doesn’t have, which means if he leaves to Germany, he’d have to leave Leo behind, alongside Amelia and Betty.

Yeah, Teddy, you’re being such an inspiration.

This nonsense idea ends when Owen suggests that Teddy takes his job and runs the trauma department (because in Grey’s Anatomy, it doesn’t matter if you’re a thoracic surgeon, you can run trauma; and if you are a trauma surgeon, you can run general. I think I’ll quit the Peds ICU and ask for a job in the Ophthalmology department, I heard the hours are good).

What I love about this decision is how zero f***s Owen gives about his job, his status, his position. While Teddy has been whining during the entire episode, complaining about “working under a twenty something”, Owen takes the more practical route and simply offers her the job, if it means so much to her to have a power position. He doesn’t care. Owen is the kind of person who doesn’t need to have a formal position to be a leader. He’s always been one. And while Teddy is running in circles trying to get validation out of a job, he can simply forfeit his because to him, the baby and the people he loves matter a lot more.  In two episodes, Owen has acted a lot more like a parent than Teddy has for 16 weeks, but who’s counting, right?  He is able to acknowledge the sacrifices Teddy has done (even if she hasn’t done them for the right reasons lol) and his motivation isn’t egoistical, he is just trying to make a crap situation a little better to everyone involved. That’s my man!

And to make it even tastier, Owen goes on and makes the best choice of the day. I confess that I expected the show to drag this out a while longer, to toy with the idea of the “triangle”, but I am very glad things got resolved really quickly.

A while ago, I mentioned that Amelia needed to be sure Owen was sure about his decision to carry on with their relationship during this messy situation and I think that last scene was a perfect portrayal of that. It’s the third time Owen looks for her (first in the stairwell, then in the neuro lab, and now outside the hospital) to try to salvage their relationship. He’s determined, he’s not giving up. And more importantly, he is proving what he is saying with his actions.

Owen informs Amelia that he gave Teddy his job. He wants them to stay and the honesty with which he says that really affects Amelia, because she is obviously linking those wishes to Owen having conflicted feelings. But then comes my favorite part of that dialogue (and that was a really hard pick because Owen said wonderful things!): “It’s the truth, Amelia, and I have to be able to tell you the truth. I have to be able to make mistakes, because there is no clear path here.” The only thing Owen knows for sure is that he’s having a baby with Teddy, but the real family he has is with her. Amelia is his family, she has been for a long time. And none of the good things coming his way are going to be that good if she’s not in it with him. Owen misses her and them. He doesn’t need time, he needs her.

And that’s how Amelia is sure Owen is sure.

As if our hearts hadn’t skipped many beats, Amelia gets very emotional. It’s clear on her face that she’s deeply moved by what he says. For a moment, we hold our breaths in fear that she might reject his words, but once her hands run on his chest and they exchange that classic, loving, emotional Omelia glance, I know it even before she drops the line.

That’s the confirmation (to us and to Owen) that she is also on board with this, that she also misses what they have and doesn’t want to give up their relationship. It’s Amelia agreeing that yes, they have to be able to make mistakes and tell each other the truth. It’s perhaps the most important step in their relationship so far, and it’s crowned by the cutest little twirl in the history of the show.

Everything about that scene is absolutely adorable, from the cute looks and the touching, to Amelia sneakily getting inside Owen’s embrace.

And since I roasted Teddy enough, I thought I should say that while I knew she and Tom would hit it off, I was quite surprised by how much I enjoyed watching them together. For the first time, Teddy wasn’t acting all defensive and making wrong decisions, instead she seemed to be taking on what’s coming ahead for her. I sense this is going to be a friendship who will later develop into something more.

Alright, bonus notes about the episode:

1)    Catherine and her tumor: Catherine is someone who I don’t like, can’t relate, feel like is excessively arrogant and standoff-ish. She is very good at patronizing everyone around her while treating everyone’s feelings with disregard, and that’s not being a leader, that’s being a tyrant. Her way of functioning is basically she gets to dictate all the rules (and change them when it suits her), make all the mistakes she wants and disregard the consequences, and when things get bad, she doesn’t need to deal with any of it, because she can simply change her last name or play the cancer card. I don’t care for people like her because she might seem like she’s strong and empowered acting as if she is immune to everything and everyone but in reality, she is weak and very fragile. Deep down, she is terrified of her feelings, can’t deal with them and that’s not at all a sign of strength. A high IQs doesn’t necessarily make up for high emotional intelligence, and walls don’t keep people out, they lock you in. Catherine is the living proof of those. The outcome of her plot is only interesting because Amelia is involved and might play a role in it, but other than that, I have tried really hard but honestly can’t feel any kind of sympathy for her (probably because of the way she treats the people in her life – I would hate being related to her).

2)    DeLuca or DeLink? While I don’t care if Meredith ends up with one, both or none, I confess I enjoyed learning a little more about DeLink’s background. The whole childhood cancer thing felt a little contrived, I admit, but I think it’s a nice explanation to why he sees the glass half full. I like his optimism and how upbeat he is, and I sincerely hope we get more of the guy in the future episodes.

3)    Kid Bailey is officially the worst actor ever. I know I shouldn’t be saying these things because he is a kid and all, but I am.

4)    I was very happy that for once, Omelia’s plot wasn’t about Leo and Betty.

5)    Glasses is that awkward friend we all have that gets inspired by the most unbelievable things, and then goes and embarrasses himself by doing something impulsive or inappropriate. But rarely, very rarely, that leap of faith pays off and when it does, it’s really cool to watch.

6)    I have decided we are not getting enough Jo, or Alex, or Jolex.

7)    Why does Maggie’s life revolved entirely around Jackson now? Did I miss something?

And now a personal bonus. This is entirely un-related to the developments of the characters, but it does involve Grey’s Anatomy and like I said, a choice I made.

To make it short and simple: for a few weeks now I have been getting to know two different guys – one works in the same hospital as me, and the other trains in the same place I do. They are very, very different people. One is a well-bred, delightful, ambitious, sophisticated and funny guy who understands my work hours, is absolutely responsible, driven and cultured, and knows damn well what he wants. The other is a carefree, laidback, family oriented, energetic, boyish business owner who is a hardworker, makes me laugh and thinks the idea of a good time is to dispute who can spit the farthest.

As you can imagine, making a choice between the two guys was incredibly hard, especially because I wasn’t really focusing on relationships at the moment. So I have tried not to place too many expectations on anything and simply took it lightly just to see where things went.

To my surprise, despite us working in the same place, things kind of got cold with the doctor, but the cuckoo head who works down my street makes more time to see me than the other does, and he brings food whenever he comes over. 

Last Thursday, I was coming home from a long, strenuous double shift and all I wanted was to come home and watch the new episodes of Grey’s and Suits before I went to bed. But he called and came over, saying he didn’t mind staying in and watching the episodes with me if I was too tired to go out.

May I point out, this is someone who up until last week thought Grey’s Anatomy and ER were the same show, doesn’t watch anything other than sports competitions, formula 1 races and superhero movies, and asked me if he can come over to my hospital to “pretend he is a doctor and play with my 3D Glasses Simulator” when Tom and Amelia were trying to work up a plan to approach Catherine’s tumor. He was very disappointed when I told him my work does not involve any kind of 3D simulations.

He also stated that “there were more people in the OR gallery than in (his football team’s rival)’s stadium”,  asked me if “Future Medicine Fellow is a fancy name for researcher”, decided on his own that “the skinny blond woman (Teddy) looks more lost than Sandra Bullock with a blindfold on Birdbox” and ultimately, said that “That guy (Tom) is the real hero because he gets to play videogames and chill while everyone else is working”. And to my delighted surprised, he came up on his own with the conclusion that “the guy you like (Owen) made the right choice to go for the brunette because they are the most good looking couple in the show.” Not exactly the reason I would go for, but I agree with it!

The point is that, in an episode about choices, everything worked out as it should. And from there on, there is no more triangle.  Owen made his. I’ve made mine. Even if after looking over my shoulder, he focused on the Super Mario on my screensaver instead of the absolutely adorable things I wrote about him.

So, Owen and Amelia are together. Now what?

I think moving forward, we are going to see these two dealing with things as a couple and navigating this unprecedented situation of having a family, while Owen is going to father someone else’s child. I think the Teddy drama will be put on hold for now, at least while Owen and Amelia deal with their own domestic situation. From the synopsis, we can assume that Betty (and perhaps even Leo) are at a high risk for leaving the show, and I confess I am very interested to see Owen and Amelia dealing with an empty nest if that turns out to happen. It would be a challenging situation for sure, considering that these kids were how they initially got closer again, but aren’t the real reason why they are together. I think there’s a lot of ground to explore there, but since I’ve spent too much time dissecting the events of the past episode, I will leave the speculation to the following posts.

I hope everyone has a lovely week, and thanks for making all the way here! See you soon!

*all uncredited gifs go to @bafy-usy

[smoochcal]

numb without you (part thirteen)

a/n: hello again!! a big shout out to miss el for being a constant inspiration to this story and to my life in general!!! Thank you as always for supporting my writing and my story as you read this series. I am going to try to update this as soon as I can, but school is picking up again and I need to focus on the end of this semester first and foremost. I am not getting nearly the amount of views I used to get on the earlier parts, but it is alright. I know that aiming for 20 notes on each update before I post the other one is a lot to ask, so I just ask that you share this story with your friends and please send me any suggestions and comments you have on this series in my inbox as it is always open and I love feedback :) you can read part twelve here and with that being said: happy reading!

pairing: readerxluke

word count: 2.0 k

playlist: numb without you by the maine, if I’m lucky by state champs

rating: PG-13

summary: you try to figure out Calum and his roommate, you are invited over to sort thing out

warnings: swearing

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Y/N’s POV:

Not even an hour after your daughter oh so lovingly kicked you a total of three times, twice for you and once for her father, you were back on the subject that was stressing you out in the first place. You knew that you probably should not be freaking out as much as you currently were regarding Calum having a female roommate, but you also know Calum just a little too well to think that she was just a roommate. The fact that he was waiting to introduce her to you and Luke, and the guys obviously means he cares about her and did not want to fuck anything up. You admired how much he already seemed to care about her, but you can’t help but think that she will take away from your little family. It’s not that you care for Calum in a romantic way, but you are worried about how present he will be with all the baby stuff if he is more worried about fucking his roommate.

Luke and Calum are still bickering over the subject in hushed tones down the hall thinking that you won’t hear them because of their attempted secrecy. You can practically hear every word that is coming out of their angry whispers. You now know that Luke is advocating for Calum to be there for you and the baby by any means necessary considering he is the reason the three of us are in this current situation today and he warns Calum not to cause another “mistake” as he put it with regards to his roommate and the romantic involvement he most likely has with her.

You decide to walk even further away from that hostile environment by going into the guest bedroom and looking through some of the baby stuff you have already purchased for your daughter. You know you still have a few months until she is here, but you got started on the nursery and some other baby stuff out of pure excitement. As you organize the items in the room, your mind starts to wander. You wonder if Calum’s roommate is nice, if she is skinnier than you (which she is…considering you are four going on five months pregnant), what she is doing in LA, amongst other things. You really want to meet her just to see what she is about, but if your conversation with Calum earlier is any indication of how that conversation is going to go, you might not get the option of meeting her. You shake your head, hoping the thought you just had would get out of your head quicker that way, and you continue to sort through the pile of baby things you have accumulated throughout this pregnancy thus far.

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Luke’s POV:

“Well, are you at least going to let them meet each other?” you ask Calum blatantly. You already know what he is going to say, but you want to hear it come from his mouth again for shits and giggles.

“I don’t know yet,” Calum replies, “it’s a lot to figure out and I don’t necessarily need an angry pregnant lady on my hands.”

“Dude, you are sooooo past that,” you respond, knowing Y/N fairly well yourself and easily identifying what makes her tick, “it would be easier on your part to just let Y/N meet RM/N. That way she will know who may be a part of your daughter’s life, if things are really getting as serious as you claim they are.”

“I know…but I just don’t want her to barge into my house and ask to meet RM/N right then and there. I know I have kind of kept her from you guys for some time, but it wasn’t for nothing. I really do care about her…probably way more than is healthy for a normal human being but whatever. I just don’t want Y/N to feel abandoned on replaced or anything like that. I am going to be here for her and the baby and anything the two of them ever need or desire…” Calum trails off after rambling on for a while.

You understand where he is coming from, but you also could not relate entirely to his situation. You have had feelings for Y/N for a while, but she was never a secret from the other guys. In fact, the first time you met Y/N was when you were with the other three, grabbing coffee from a nearby coffee and bookshop that Calum insisted all four of you check out because it was going to be his new hang out as he was moving into his newly purchased house. But you surely know what it feels like to love someone with every inch of your being and you could tell Calum felt this way about RM/N just by the way he was talking about her and the worry he had on his face when he found you sitting in his living room talking to her the night before.

“Just promise me you won’t fuck with Y/N’s emotions any more than you already have with this baby hormone shit she is currently dealing with…and please allow them to meet soon if not tonight because if you make her wait any longer she is going to go crazy imaging the worst things possible,” you explain to Calum, hoping he understand the severity of the problem he has created and how it will impact Y/N and the stress she is inevitably going to put on the baby because of this peculiar situation.

He nods in response as the two of you have finally completed your conversation that consisted mainly of hushed angry whispers and a lot of disapproving glances that the two of you exchanged in the past few minutes. You head back into the living room, assuming that Calum was going to take the reins on this next conversation the three of you were about to share regarding the predicament at hand.

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Calum’ POV:

You really got yourself into quite a jam now. Obviously, you expected that Y/N and RM/N would meet one day, but you weren’t necessarily expecting it to be today. You shoot your roommate a quick text to warn her that some friends were coming over before you explain the game plan to Luke and Y/N. This was not a soccer match with plays and positions, but you went about it the same way since there were a lot of obstacles and touchy subjects you had to dance around once you reached your house and those who are inside of it. There will have to be a delicate balance between both the timeline of things and the whole “oh yeah, she’s pregnant” type of thing. You are worried about the outcome of your two worlds colliding, but you also know it is now or never.

“How about we head to my house so everyone can meet everyone else?” you suggest, hoping that Luke and Y/N will comply and follow you to your house to let this all unfold.

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Y/N’s POV:

Luke is driving the two of you to Calum’s house as you mess with the aux cord and what songs you were going to play for your short drive. It took maybe 15 minutes to get from your place to Calum’s which gave you enough time to play three or four songs. You spent a while picking which songs you were going to que up, wanting to get your point across about your current back and forth romantic situation with Luke. You did not want to come off as desperate, but now that you know that Luke knows that you and Calum are not romantically invested in one another maybe that means that he will finally make a move. After some careful consideration, you decide on playing If I’m Lucky by State Champs. You felt a little awkward playing a song by a band that Luke and the guys have toured with before, but you hope that Luke just appreciated you filling the silence of his car with some decent music and did not waste his mental capacity on something as minute as who is singing the words you were yearning to tell him yourself but could not find the right words to articulate your message in the correct fashion.

“If you stay or if you go I’m right there with you but you know that I’m looking for more than just a pretty smile and if I’m lucky you could stay for a while but…” the song sings softly through the speakers of his car, the words as melodic as you remembered.

You did not want to force anything between the two of you, nothing works out in your favor if it was forced and you are a strong believer in everything happening for a reason, so you decide to leave the situation up to fate itself. As cheesy as it sounds, you really do not want to ultimately ruin the good friendship that you and Luke share for this whole romantic thing to not work out the way you want to. You would rather be alone forever than lose a friendship as important as Luke’s. You glance over at him a few times as the song plays to see if he is looking your way or if he is thinking intently.

You could always tell when he was thinking intently because he would unintentionally scrunch up his nose as he concentrated on whatever was on his mind and it was one of your favorite things about him. You could see a slight flicker in his eye, like he wanted to say something, but did not think it was the right time to get into whatever was on his mind at the time. You let it slide this time, hoping that the time will come when the two of you could stop dancing around your feelings and just embrace them instead. You wanted nothing more than to be in Luke’s strong arms in this moment with him whispering into your ear that everything is okay and everything is going to work out for the best, but you know that neither of you are in a position to be that way currently. You inhale and exhale slowly, accepting the fact that nothing is going to happen between the two of you right now. Maybe soon, but not quite yet.

Before you knew it the two of you were pulling into the familiar driveway of Calum’s house, where you saw the grey car that must belong to his roommate parked inside of his garage. You inhale sharply, trying to prepare yourself in any way that you could before meeting someone that could easily be the wicked witch of LA based on the information you have about Calum and his exes. Luke is by your side quicker than when he left it, slightly lacing his hand in yours as the three of you enter Calum’s place.

You haven’t been here since the night at the club, but everything seemed to be exactly where you left it, which surprised you slightly because you thought the roommate would make the place look a little less like a twenty something year old male threw some decorations here and there and called it a home. Nevertheless, you walked into the living room, gripping Luke’s hand the moment the two of you took a seat on the couch, waiting for Calum to come back from getting his roommate in order for him to introduce everyone. This all felt more awkward and forced than the Dinner Party episode of the Office and you wished for nothing more than some dumb song to distract you from the weird air that seemed to be surrounding this entire situation that Calum has put you all in.

She walks into the room with an awkward smile plastered across her face as she sits in the love seat adjacent to where you and Luke have settled for the moment, extending her hand to shake yours and formally introduce herself. She opens her mouth to speak and she allows the words to slip off her tongue with ease. 

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.”