when we are loved we are afraid (we were never meant to survive) (Room of Requirement as sanctuary)
The effects of trauma are tricky to navigate. Relationships fall apart, old beliefs are turned over, secrets are shoved deep behind lips, habits are formed, silences are developed.
The thing is: if anyone had been looking, truly looking, they would have noticed. The bruises were decently hidden, but the psychological scars significantly less so. Comments were made on a regular basis that gave away what was happening. (My letter was addressed to the cupboard under the stairs. There were bars on my window.) The victim showed up to school every year skinnier than he'd left.
The signs were there. They were easily seen.
But who ever would have suspected the Boy Who Lived to be the victim of child abuse? Who ever would have expected that the Golden Boy, who won Quidditch matches and defeated Voldemort and shoveled down pumpkin juice and laughed in Hogsmeade, could possibly have anything but the most loving of homes?
The only people who ever notice are the victims of similar kinds of abuse, similar kinds of trauma- the only ones who realize that it doesn't matter how happy a person pretends to be, that the most perfect of facades can be hiding the most broken of people.
An envelope shows up on Harry's bed the second Thursday evening of his third year, right after Harry's gotten back from dinner. He's always a bit more tried the first couple of weeks back from the Dursleys than he is the rest of the school year.
After reading, Harry follows the instructions laid out on the letter, heading up to the seventh floor that Thursday evening and pacing in front of the wall. He steps through the door and enters into a room that doesn't seem too magical or fancy. There are beanbags laying over the floor and mats sitting on mats and blankets, magical lights dangling from the ceiling illuminating a room filled with laughter and games and easy gossip.
Harry hadn't believed it when he'd read the letter, but here in front of him he finds a variety of faces he never would have expected to be willing to hang out together. Draco Malfoy. Percy Weasley. Neville Longbottom. Pansy Parkinson. Lisa Turpin. Terry Boot. Leanne Rosenthal. A pair of Slytherin girls in their fifth or sixth years and some Ravenclaw firstie that Harry doesn't know the name of but that won't meet anyone's eyes. Cedric fucking Diggory.
"Merlin's balls," he swears quietly under his breath as Pansy, Draco, and Percy look up when he enters the room. "I didn't expect this many people."
"To what?" Draco drawls casually, though his suspicious gaze flicks over Harry as Draco stands up to greet him. Draco's wearing pjs that make him look far more vulnerable than Harry ever could have imagined the Malfoy heir was capable of. "This many people to what, Potter?"
"Be here," Harry says, and swallows. "Your letter said that this place was for victims of..." He can barely think the word 'abuse,' because that wasn't what happened to him. The Dursleys were just afraid of him and his freakishness and were just trying to keep him normal.
His conflict must show on his face, as Percy gives him a sympathetic look. "There are many different kinds of abuse, Harry. Not everything is physical. It can be psychological, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial, neglect, all kinds. You know my parents never beat me, after all, but that doesn't mean that they didn't emotionally isolate me from my siblings and neglect me on a systematic basis."
"This is a safe space, Potter," Pansy says, voice softer than he's ever heard it before. "No one gets in here without our permission."
"C'mon, Potter," Draco says, gesturing to the seat next to him as he squats back down onto the beanbag he had been sitting on when Harry entered the room. "Join us over here."
Harry looks at the boy who has bullied him for years, the boy who says my father will hear about this with the same shake in his voice that Harry has when he talks about going "home" to the Dursleys, and he sits down on a pillow next to Draco Malfoy of all people, causing the last of the kids Draco, Percy, and Pansy were sitting with- Cedric Diggory- to glance up at him.
"I don't get why I was invited," Harry says, trying to regain his voice, trying to make sense of things. "I'm not that. I was never beaten or anything."
"Didn't you listen to Weasley, Potter?" Draco says, "You didn't have to be beaten to end up here." His gaze falls to Harry's neck, to a long-faded scar that wasn't caused by the blowback of a Killing Curse but rather by more mundane means. His voice is surprisingly sympathetic as he adds: "Though, to be honest, I don't think you got out entirely unscathed, did you?"
Harry swallows, gaze dropping to the floor between the four students' legs. He thinks about bars on windows and thrown plates and burning his hands on the stove when he was told to cook for the Dursleys at age five and getting locked in his room and starving because he'd fucked up and being forced to do every chore in the house and the garden. "No," he admits quietly, "I don't think I did."
"Welcome to the Sanctuary, Potter," Cedric says with a welcoming smile. "I think you'll fit in here just fine."
-
Over the course of regular Thursday night meetings, Harry learns everyone's stories slowly, though rarely through direct questions. The stories come slowly during the courses of games and gossip, casual discussions over midnight snacks and in the aftermath of nightmares.
He learns that Terry's parents often employed starvation as a punishment technique for him after a conversation devolves over snacks. He learns that Leanne's mother locks her in closets as punishment after Draco makes a joke about Seven Minutes in Heaven. He learns about how Lisa and Cedric's fathers both pushed them into careers or betrothals that they didn't want to go in, using threats of disowning them from the family if Lisa and Cedric didn't do exactly what they were told.
He learns that abuse is not just families. He learns about how Professor Snape's verbal and psychological abuse has utterly destroyed the mental health (a word he learned from Terry, a muggleborn whose best friend's mother was a social worker) of Neville and that Ravenclaw firstie, who it turns out is named Georgie.
And, of course, there are the kids who are physically abused by their families.
"My father's trying to force me into following after him into the Dark Arts," Draco admits one evening in the middle of a game of Monopoly- a game that Harry foolishly introduced to the Slytherins without thinking through the consequences. Now the game gets played at least once a week, with the Slytherins trying their best to destroy everyone, with only Harry and Lisa really putting up a good fight against them. "When I refuse, he uses the Cruciatus Curse on me to try to get me to fold to his whims."
Neville puts a comforting hand on Draco's crossed knee while Pansy whistles in sympathy. "Same here with my Aunt, Dray," she says, rolling the dice with her other hand. "Fuck yeah, a three!" she crows, moving her piece- the top hat- the spaces forward to land on Park Place. She gleefully hands the required money over to the banker, Percy, as everyone else groans. "I've got a fucking Monopoly, bitches!"
And that's something else that Harry gets out of this, too. These meetings aren't just the most horrible show-and-tell that Harry's ever been a part of. They're also safe spaces where Harry knows he is among people who understand why he flinches when people move too fast or why he doesn't eat as much as anyone else right after they get back from summer break. They're places where he can let down his guard for the first time since he can remember, make jokes about trauma with people who understand what he went through. They're times where there are pranks and games and gossip sessions or magical practice and all of it feels normal because it's with people who don't judge him, who are willing to just sit with him and understand him.
For the first time in Harry's life his bones feel settled in his own skin. The process of filling out his body again, going from starving to eating enough, from being afraid to be alone with people to feeling at home again, doesn't take as long as usual. These people- they understand him. They understand how hard it is for his brain to settle in the feeling of safety. They don't judge him for his mental issues and so he feels okay here with them, being who he is, in a way that he's never gotten before.
Through all of these reveals, as these broken kids learn to trust him as they have come to trust each other, Harry learns how to help other people through the after effects of all of these kinds of abuse. Percy teaches him how to help kids through panic attacks after Lisa has a minor breakdown after someone accidentally uses one of her trigger words. He learns first aid from Terry and Leanne, both of whom have had to learn it themselves to take care of injuries both for the others and for themselves.
Sure, all of this isn't stopping the abuse. There's no way for a bunch of kids to stand up to their families and professors and hope to survive.
But this is comfort. This is understanding.
And for now, for Harry, age thirteen, finding a home for the first time in his life- this is enough.
-
Ron asks Harry where he keeps disappearing to when he gets back from his fourth meeting.
"I've just made a few new mates, that's all," Harry says, not lying one bit. "People who I share some interests with." He winks at Ron and Hermione, feeling a newborn confidence that he never did before. "Don't worry, I'm not abandoning you two as my best mates, don't worry."
Ron snorts. "Not bloody likely, mate." Then he smiles at Harry, and he seems genuinely happy for Harry. "I'm glad for you, anyway. You look a lot happier than you used to. A lot more content."
Hermione nods, a similar smile on her lips. "Is it because of Professor Lupin? I'm sure that that would plenty distracting from the whole Sirius Black thing."
Shit, the whole Sirius Black thing- Harry had nearly forgotten over the course of the past few weeks. "Nah," he says, "I think it's because of these new mates."
"Can we meet them sometime?" Ron asks, raising an eyebrow. "Maybe get to know you a little better through them?"
"Someday soon, I promise," Harry says, "Whenever they're ready."
"Cool," Ron says, "Now, wanna play Exploding Snap?"
"We've got a Potions Essay to finish, Ronald!" Hermione admonishes, and Ron shrugs.
"We've got plenty of time to finish that later, 'Mione," Ron says as Harry slumps back into the couch behind him, a smile spreading over his lips. Ron and Hermione are just as much of a comfort in their normality as the Sanctuary kids are in the abnormality- he knows he couldn't have survived the past few years without his best friends, nor would he have wanted to.
-
Harry understands rather well why no one has changed how they interact with him outside of meetings. He understands punishment and consequences and doing anything possible to avoid risks all too well. He understands why Draco still spits scarhead without flinching, despite the nights where Harry has gleefully duelled Draco in Monopoly, understands Pansy's outer disdain despite the nights he's braided her hair for her, understands why Erika and Kendall, the fifth year Slytherin girls, still make fun of him despite the time he let them practice their nail-polish techniques on him.
They're all just children. They don't have the power to stand up for themselves. They are subject to the wills of family members and teachers and authority figures, helpless to do anything to defend themselves save trying to prevent the abuse in the first place. They are being made to fight in wars they don't understand, don't really know enough about to make educated decisions in.
For now, this is the world that they are left with, and this is what they have to do to survive. So they continue on with what they are given, and they make their sanctuary together on Thursday nights.
-
"Is there something wrong with me for liking boys?" Harry asks one Thursday night when his head is laying on Draco's thigh. Tonight several people are feeling worn out by various papers and tests that are assigned for the week, as well as some rather intense Quidditch practices leading up to the Slytherin/Gryffindor game as well as the increased presence of Dementors (never a good thing for people with memories as bad as theirs), and so they're not playing games. Instead the floor of the Room has turned into a giant fucking mattress, pillows and sheets and stuffed animals scattered around the room. Harry's pretty sure that several of these stuffed animals and blankets are comfort items for the students around him, considering how hard people are clinging to them.
"Of course not, Harry," Erika says with a snort. "If there was, half of us would be in trouble."
"Really?" Harry asks, and Cedric nods.
"I'm bisexual- that means I'm into girls and guys. Pansy's gay. So's Draco. Terry is asexual- he isn't into anyone- and Erika and Kendall are dating."
"My parents will never know about me until I'm graduated and have taken control of the family vaults, though," Erika says, and Kendall nods.
"You don't even want to know what my parents are threatening if I ever come out," Kendall says with a shudder.
"But just because our families will react badly doesn't mean that it's wrong," Draco says, running his fingers through Harry's hair in a caring sort of way that Harry's never had anyone treat him like before.
-
The first time Harry interacts with someone outside of the Room meetings that he doesn't normally is when he bumps into Pansy in the hallway right before Halloween. There's no one else here in the hallway outside of the Astronomy Tower, and thus she gives him a small smile. "You ready for the Samhain party we're having next week?"
"We're having a party next week?" He asks, and she nods.
"No plus ones allowed," she says, expression almost apologetic. "Can't violate the sanctuary of the group. But Leanne, Erika, Terry, and I are in charge and so it's gonna be fucking awesome anyway."
Harry lets out a soft snort. "Malfoy not in charge?"
Something passes over Pansy's expression. "He's got some other shit that his father's making him do right now, so he's a bit busy. But you're in, right?"
"Fuck yeah," Harry says. "Just gotta cross our fingers that things don't go to shit this Halloween."
Pansy snorts. "That's the dream, Potter."
-
The party goes off without a hitch and then, the week after Halloween, Professor Lupin drags out the Boggart and Neville, Draco, and Pansy are in Harry's DADA class and he is so fucking scared of what might get exposed during class, not just on his behalf but on theirs too.
And he's right to- when Neville's Boggart turns into Professor Snape, Professor Lupin's face goes white. He Riddikuluses the Boggart, turning it into a moon and then into a leaking balloon, before turning to the kids with a smile that Harry is all too familiar with, a smile that is clearly hiding some sort of sadness.
Professor Lupin then proceeds to hold Neville back after class, claiming to need to speak to him, and Harry makes excuses to Hermione and Ron as to why he has to hang back, too. Harry's not surprised to find Pansy and Draco staying by their desks, either, apathetic expressions on their faces but spines straight as rods. All three of them know why Neville's Boggart is Professor Snape, and they want to make sure that he has support by his side while Professor Lupin questions him.
Thankfully, though, when Professor Lupin sees Harry, Draco, and Pansy hanging by Neville's side as he enters the office, he doesn't ask any questions of them. Instead, he offers them all chocolate- which all of them save Draco take.
"Why was your boggart one of your professors, Neville?" the Professor then asks, and his expression is sympathetic but none of the four children in front of him can entirely trust him. Their entire lives have been spent either being ignored by adults who promised to help or being outright accused of lying by adults who they thought cared.
Neville, despite being the most easily trusting of the four of them, is still somewhat suspicious of Professor Lupin. They've all been screwed over by supposedly trustworthy adults in the past and they're not easy to trust Professor Lupin just because he's been fun and informative in class.
But Neville was not sorted into Gryffindor for no reason. "Because he's verbally abusive, sir," he says, spine straighter than the others have ever seen it before despite his fear of Professor Snape.
"Yeah," Harry adds, jumping in, ready to fall next to Neville if Professor Lupin lets them down. "He's constantly insulting all of us and calling Neville useless and telling us that we'll never be able to amount to anything in life."
"Dear Lord," Professor Lupin says, voice a bit worried. "Have you told the Headmaster about this?"
"Dumbledore doesn't care, Professor," Draco spits, posture far less at ease than it is during meetings, when he lets others slump over him and use his lap as a pillow. "Plenty of us have let him know about shit like this."
Harry nods. "We've complained about Snape for years and he hasn't done anything about it."
Professor Lupin, to Harry's surprise, doesn't flinch at the curse word, his expression only growing more concerned. "He hasn't?"
They all shake their heads and Professor Lupin's expression hardens. "I know I can't do much, considering how new I am," Professor Lupin says, "But I'm going to talk to Professor McGonagall and a few others and see if I can't do something about this. Severus should never have been allowed to terrify children to the point of making him their Boggarts."
Harry blinks and glances at the other three students, all of which have bewildered expressions on their faces. None of them expected this. Professor Lupin, right now, is doing the impossible, something Harry never thought he'd ever see- he's being an adult who's actually willing to listen, an adult who promises to try and make a change, who thinks that there is something wrong with children getting hurt.
"When you talk to Professor McGonagall," Harry dares to venture, feeling some of that Gryffindor courage that he's always been told he's supposed to have, "Can you also tell her about some other stuff, too?"
"Like what, Harry?" Professor Lupin asks, and Neville jumps in.
"Like the fact that Professor Dumbledore let all of this go by," he says.
"That Dumbledore's been endangering kids for years," Pansy adds, having heard all of Harry's stories of the past two years.
"That Lockhart nearly obliviated two kids and Dumbledore did jackshit about it," Draco adds, and though Professor Lupin raises an eyebrow at Draco's profanity he doesn't comment on it, instead just nodding.
"I'll tell her about all of this," Professor Lupin says, then gestures to the door. "I will definitely keep you kids updated, but it will take some time and I do believe that you four need to go to Charms next?"
They all nod, grabbing for their books and heading for the door, eager to be out of this awkward and emotion conversation, but Pansy halts at the door.
"Professor?" Pansy asks, and her tone is curious but soft in a way that it never gets outside of the Room.
"Yes, Miss Parkinson?"
"How did you know that there was something wrong when Professor Snape was Longbottom's Boggart?"
Professor Lupin gives Pansy a smile that speaks to something sad and pained and achingly familiar to the four kids. "Because years ago I had a Professor like that," he says, "A man who took issue with who I was and refused to treat me like a human- much less a child- because of it. I had friends, thankfully, who took care of me, just like you four, but it wasn't easy." He looks to each of them, some measure of pride in his gaze. "You four- you're rather lucky to have such good friends to protect each other like that."
"We know, Professor," Harry says, giving Neville, Draco, and Pansy each a smile that they return with varying degrees of enthusiasm.
"Good," Professor Lupin says, then grins at them as he gestures again. "Now, get to your next class! Can't have you late on my behalf!"
-
So this is how a war begins to end before it starts, by kindness and care being planted in the smallest of places, in the smallest of ways: an adult refusing to overlook abuse and standing his ground to make things better.
Dumbledore gets fired by the Board and replaced by Professor McGonagall, who fires Severus Snape and replaces him with Andromeda Tonks. Professor Tonks is a decently strict teacher but still treats all houses with fairness and respect, not tolerating shenanigans in her classroom but being patient with questions and helping those lagging behind rather than yelling at them. Despite not being the most entertaining of Professors, she still finds herself ranked rather highly by students by the end of the term.
When Sirius Black shows up, there is no Snape to fuck things up. Professor Lupin has taken his wolfsbane and thus when Peter Pettigrew is captured, no time turner needs to be used. Peter Pettigrew goes to trial and Sirius is cleared of all bogus charges, proceeding to then take his place as Lord of the House of Black.
Harry gets to go to live with Sirius at the end of the year, Sirius uses his power as the Head of the House of Black to name Draco his heir- a move which supercedes Draco's title as Heir Malfoy and necessitates Draco move to the Black Family Manor in order to "complete the necessary preparations to become heir." Draco arrives at the Manor with a sob of thanks for Sirius, dropping his perfect Malfoy facade long enough to gasp his gratitude.
Sirius then proceeds to adopt Georgie, Leanne, and Terry from their muggle homes, thus giving Draco a set of cousins and Harry some adoptive siblings. The five of them spend the summer running wild over the Black estate, alternating politics and etiquette lessons with therapy sessions and the best prank wars that have been seen since the days of the Marauders themselves.
As for the children still stuck in the Wizarding World- Sirius uses the Black family's considerable political and economic power to help nudge the Ministry into opening investigations against the families of the Sanctuary kids. Some of them work quicker than others, such as the one against Erika's parents, who only had the flimsiest of excuses as to their involvement with Voldemort in the First Wizarding War, while others drag on. Whatever the results, though, at least the investigations have been opened and thus the Sanctuary kids have some measure of protection and safety for the first time in their lives.
Over the course of the summer, plenty of friends visit. Hermione and Ron visit and get along well with everyone, even Draco. Blaise Zabini arrives and instantly becomes plenty of Sanctuary kids' new best friend as he brings Italian chocolates with him.
And, of course, there's the fact that the kids' favorite Professor visits on a regular basis, rekindling an old romance with Sirius- a fact that all of the kids cheer on (and tease Sirius for the way he blushes like a teenager whenever Remus sends an owl).
When Hogwarts starts back up that September, several of the members of the Sanctuary have found themselves a new family with adults that they, for the first time in their lives, actually trust.
Mad-Eye Moody hasn't been hired to be the DADA professor- Remus is still there, with a kind eye on the Sanctuary kids and a wise smile for everyone. The Triwizard Tournament goes off without a hitch, with the newest ward of the Black family, Cedric Diggory, as Hogwarts' champion. All of the Sanctuary kids are in the audience to cheer him on and they're also there to tease him as he practices dancing for the Yule Ball in the Room, all of the Sanctuary kids dancing with him.
When it comes to the Yule Ball and who goes with who, Cedric takes his long-term crush in Cho Chang. Erika takes Kendall, Neville asks Ginny, Pansy takes Daphne Greengrass, Terry takes Georgie just so the second year can experience the Yule Ball, Percy arrives from his new Ministry job with Auror Tonks as his date, Leanne goes to the Ball with Fred Weasley, and, well-
Draco Black, Heir to the Noble House of Black, shows up with the Boy Who Lived on his arm, and by the end of the night the press have caught a photo of Draco giving Harry a kiss on the cheek on his way to grabbing the two of them refreshments. The press catch further photos of Draco laughing with Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, of him dancing with Harry in the middle of the dance floor, of him with the biggest smile on his face as he talks to Erika, Percy, and Kendall.
The world gets to see Draco Black genuinely happy in public for the first time in his life and it is wonderful.
-
Things aren't perfect. There are still nightmares and trauma and there will be probably for the rest of their lives. The Sanctuary kids, even after getting out of the households they were stuck in, still need therapy for years afterward and sometimes find themselves falling into old, toxic patterns and habits.
But to this day, the Room still operates for kids who have need of it. Sirius Black still pours Black family funds into investigating abuse and eventually opening up a Home for Abused Children.
And the Sanctuary kids, even long after they're no longer children anymore, will still be a home for those who need one.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/23022976
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