#I’ve been getting my meds from here every month for like 10 months and have never had to call in a special fucking order

[seilon]

don’t know how cvs fucked it up this time but yay super cool I can’t get my meds refilled until monday apparently meaning I get to spend my birthday going through withdrawal and feeling miserable that’s so cool!!!!!!

[bad268]

Every Step of the Way (Pablo Gavi X Barca! Reader)

Fandom: RPF/FCB

Requested: Nope, I’m testing it out. I’ve been a Barca fan since 2018, but never actually did anything with it lol. Also, I’m aware he doesn’t speak English, but my Spanish is elementary level at best, so I’ll stick to English with Spanish nicknames.

Warnings: ACL recovery discussed A LOT  (I used my sister’s experience with it so yeah)

POV: Third Person (She/her)

W.C. 2208

Summary: What's worse than one ACL injury? Two ACL Injuries!

As always, my requests are OPEN

MASTERLIST // HITLIST

~~(^Pinterest)

Within 10 seconds, the lively stadium became silent. It was a freak accident, and it never should have happened. It was a normal game against Madrid, and she had already scored the point that took the Barcelona team ahead 2-1. Looking back, maybe it was ambitious to go for another goal so soon. 

She remembered going for the kick but could not remember anything after that. Maybe she got hit by another player or maybe she twisted her leg wrong. All she knew was that it hurt like hell. It felt like her leg was on fire as she registered being carried off the field by the medical team. 

In the locker room, she learned that she had torn her ACL. That was not something she needed to hear during the height of her career. Like her boyfriend, she was one of the youngest on the team and one of the most promising talents. And now, she had to come to terms with being benched for at least nine months.

The same week that she sustained the injury, she was already in surgery. It was a fast turnaround; she felt like she was getting whiplash. Everything during that week hand blurred together, and the next thing she knew, she was in their bed at her and Pablo’s apartment with a metal knee brace. That’s when it started to set in. 

What if she could never get back to her normal? What if she could never play again? What if there are complications with her recovery? What if this…What if that…What if… What if…What if…

That’s what Pablo walked in on; his girlfriend of two years was on the verge of a panic attack as she frantically pulled at the metal brace. She was crying and screaming that she was fine. She was just dreaming. She was not actually injured because it was all in her head. 

Pablo ran forward, pulling her hands away from her knee quickly before she could do real damage. He held her hands as he watched her thrash around before finally settling down when she met his eyes. Her eyes were watery as she met his, trying to regain her sanity, until she was able to understand what he was saying. “You’re okay. You’re going to be fine, mi vida (my life). I’m here to help you every step of the way. Wait, wrong choice of words.” He was rambling, something he only did when he was extremely nervous. The thought made her smile a little as she squeezed his hands to get his attention. “How are you feeling now, mi amor(my love)?”

“My leg is on fire,” She sighed, and Pablo had to hold back the smile since he knew the thrashing and pulling at the brace did not help her in any way. If anything, it made the pain more intense. Instead of voicing these thoughts, he just moved her to sit up on the bed. “Where are we going?”

“We are going to get you out of bed and get food. Then, I can give you more pain meds,” He replied quietly as he leaned down to press a small kiss to her forehead before kneeling to make sure none of the cogs on the brace came undone. That was the last thing they needed. “What are you feeling?”

“I don’t really care, whatever gets the pain to stop faster,” She complained as he pulled her up to stand on her one good leg. He pulled her crutches over as she playfully glared at him with no *real* heat behind them. “Do I have to use the crutches? They hurt my arms.”

“I could always carry you around,” Pablo offered with a smirk as he moved his arms to be under her arms and around her back as he picked her up straight. Clearly, this was not what she envisioned, causing her to laugh. Pablo chuckled with her as he was happy she was starting to get out of the deep rut she was in moments before. “Was this what you were thinking?”

“I imagined bridal style, but now looking back, this is probably the only plausible way you could carry me,” She admitted, and she was right. He could not really hold under her knees because of the stitches and the brace. It would have been more uncomfortable for her than using the crutches. “I feel like a ragdoll.”

“The cutest ragdoll I’ve ever seen,” He joked with her, causing her to roll her eyes as she slapped at his shoulder. “Hey! I wouldn’t hit the person who’s holding you up right now.”

“You wouldn’t drop me,” She gasped in mock offense. Pablo sent her a look that said ‘Challenge me,’ and she knew it was over. He loosened his hold on her as she slowly slid down his chest. She jokingly pleaded, “No, Pablo, please. Don’t let me go!”

“I’d never leave you,” He reassured as he pulled her back up and kissed her. “I’ll be by your side every day until you’re back on the field.”

“Then you’ll break up with me?” She teased.

“No,” he chuckled bashfully as he hid his face on her shoulder. “I’ll be on the sideline then.”

~~

After a week of recovery and relaxation, she started rehab. The specialist started her out on small exercises like bending her knee and slowly putting more weight on it. It was a slow process, but she was getting to the point where she could walk unassisted. Sure, she still had to wear the metal brace and use at least one crutch, but it was so she did not strain it any more than she already had. 

And who was by her side through every appointment? Pablo. Who was there every time she needed new medication? Pablo. Who was there to carry her every time she did not want to walk because he had no backbone when it came to her? Pablo. Boyfriend of the Year, honestly.

It finally got to the point where she could go to a game a month after her initial injury. Not to play in it, but she could sit in the stands and cheer on her favorite country. She was cleared just in time to attend the final game of Spain’s European Championship qualifying group against Georgia, and of course, her favorite midfielder was playing. She was not on the sideline per se, but she was in the stands in the first row from the pitch.

She was wearing one of Pablo’s kits (obviously) as she leaned her body weight against the barrier, cheering him on. It was still early in the game, and there were no points on the board. He was doing an amazing job given that he tweaked his leg a couple of days prior in the Barcelona game. He was running like he owned the field and making some good plays. 

Within 10 seconds, the lively stadium became silent, and she felt her heart drop. All she did was blink, and suddenly, she knew something was wrong. The camera zoomed in on Pablo, who was lying flat on the ground, clutching his right knee. His face clearly showed his pain, and it hurt her to see him in pain. It took a few minutes, but he was walking back on the sideline, getting checked out.

He came back a little while later for another play. Before he even started running, she had that feeling in her gut again. It was not long after running back to the field that he was kneeling on the grass, clutching his leg as the yellow card was thrown.

It felt like forever for her. She wondered how long it felt for him. How bad did it hurt? How bad was the damage? Did he just dislocate his knee? Would he be back in later?

She did not get to delve too deep into the rabbit hole. He was walking, well limping, off the field again with some assistance, but at least he was walking. That had to have been a good sign, she thought. She turned to grab her crutch, so she could make her way up to the concourse. Maybe they would let her down into the locker room to see Pablo.

It was a little difficult given that the game resumed and people were back up and cheering, but she managed to get to the concourse without tripping or injuring herself more. She approached a couple of security guards that she knew personally. 

“Do you know if I’m allowed to go down to the field or in the locker room?” She asked, hopeful, as they stepped away to radio down to the security by the locker room. It did not take them long to go back over to her and direct her to the elevator. Once again, it felt like forever, but she made it down to the base floor. 

She hobbled her way over to the locker room where she immediately recognized one of the Barcelona physicians walking out. It was eerily quiet despite the game being in full swing just outside the hall. It filled her with nerves.

She needed to keep her composure because he needed her support more than ever. She took a minute for herself and took a few deep breaths before she pushed through the door. Despite expecting to see him injured, nothing could have really prepared her for seeing him flat on the table. 

She limped over beside him where he had one arm over his eyes and the other fist clenching as physicians assessed his knee. She made sure to stay out of the way as she grabbed his fist, unwinding his fingers to grasp at her hand. She used her other hand to run through his hair as he kept his eyes screwed shut, leaning into her. 

After a few moments, the physicians finished up. Instead of vocalizing what was wrong, they gestured to her leg before pointing at him. They stepped out of the room, and that’s when Pablo noticed they were not touching his leg anymore, causing him to lift his head and look around. She took her hand out of his hair as she sat on the table since her knee started bothering her, and when he laid his head back, it landed on her lap. She moved her hand right back to his hair as he stared up at her.

“Guess who gets to play nurse now?” She attempted to joke.

“If you’re insinuating that it’s you, we’re screwed because you’ve only been recovering for a month,” He sighed, “No offense.”

“Oh, none taken,” She replied sarcastically as she took her hand out of his hair and leaned back on it. Immediately, he started complaining as he used his hand that was not already holding hers to reach back to find the other. “No, that was mean. Say you’re sorry.”

“I’m sorry, mi amor(my love),” He mumbled as he stuck out his bottom lip in a pout. “Will you play with my hair again now? I’m in pain. Speaking of that, did they say what they think it is?”

She smiled down at him as she put her hand back into his hair and he reached his hand back to hold her wrist there. “I know you are, and I’m sorry. At least we get to go through the same recovery.”

“You’re lying,” He gasped, eyes widening as he sat up and looked back at her. “Do they think I tore my ACL? That would mean I’m out for the season! And the EuroCup!”

“Welcome to the club,” She tried to joke, but he was not laughing. She moved so that she was sitting right next to him as she wrapped one of her arms around his shoulders and still held his hand in hers. “Hey, don’t start just yet. They probably need to take you for some X-rays and do a couple more tests. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself. You could have just strained it.”

“How long would I be out if it’s a strain?” He asked quietly, leaning back into her embrace. 

“Pretty sure it’s anywhere from three weeks to three months,” She said after she googled it. “Whatever happens, just know I’ll be with you every step of the way…wait. Not that. Wrong choice of words.”

That’s what broke him. He started laughing as he leaned onto her shoulder before whispering, “I get it.” Then, the physicians came back into the room with a gurney to take Pablo to the X-ray. He looked nervous and anxious again, but as soon as he looked over at her, he knew he would be fine. “Will you hold my hand, mi vida (my life)?”

“Of course, I will,” She answered endearingly as she stepped aside for the physicians to move him to the gurney. She grabbed her crutch and followed them toward the X-ray. He looked over at her, and at that moment, he knew that he could not live without her. They would be with each other through every step of the way, and when they were both healed, he knew just the way to thank her. 

~~~

Part 2 ->

~~~~~

© BAD268 2024. DO NOT REPOST WITHOUT PERMISSION.

[athenawasamerf]

What's life in Egypt like?

This is a very vague question so I’m not sure how to answer, really. It’s kind of tense these days, anyway.

Ig the day to day is pretty typical. I’m not exactly the average citizen, most of my time is taken up with med school so I don’t explore or go out as much as I should. I live in Alexandria, and I love it here. Coastal, the old section of the city is beautiful, lots of greenery. It’s pouring down rain all through winter, driving is near impossible because everyone is fucking insane (which is typical for Egyptian cities lol), it’s pretty densely populated, the food is phenomenal. We have a ton of museums and historical sites, and the library of Alexandria is pretty rad. The economy is shit and getting shittier, we’re under a military dictatorship (again but worse than last time), inflation is insane and the country is in a ton of debt to the point that the central bank of Egypt has stopped all foreign currency transactions on debit cards, and credit cards have a foreign currency limit of the equivalent of $250/month.

From a feminist perspective, it’s not the best place to be. Alexandria is better than most of the country, but I still get harassed regularly. Egyptian men are paternalistic and have a weirdly entitled attitude towards all women, we have in-jokes in feminist circles about the fruit vendor from down the street being mad at you for coming home late. Tbf I’m fairly open about my feminist opinions and that hasn’t caused me any trouble, and basically all my friends and acquaintances know that I wear a hijab in front of my family and take it off at school/when I’m out with friends, and 4 of my cousins know about the hijab thing as well. Dating culture is fairly normalised in Alexandria, so everyone in my circles including two of my cousins know about my love life (but not my sexuality). In some places of Egypt, I’d be honour killed for any one of these things, so I’m grateful to be where I am. There’s still a line of chauvinism running in the country, though that’s the least of our worries as feminists. I have a post about marriage and divorce in Egypt under my Egyptian feminism tag if you’re interested in learning more about that aspect.

From an LGB perspective, unfortunately the little progress we’d made in the late 00’s and early 10’s has been receding quickly. We’d gotten to a point of live and let live in some areas, but the introduction of trans ideology in the west caused a massive recoil in perception of LGB people here, and there’s been a crackdown on LGB-sympathetic ideas. Every time it’s brought up, you get a look of disgust and ‘they’re teaching kids to change their sex’. It’s going to take massive amounts of time and effort to repair this damage.

And finally, from a religious perspective, well. Not much has improved re acceptance of atheism or non-abrahamic religious beliefs. Egyptian law technically protects your right to freedom of belief, but, crucially, not your right to freedom of expression of religious belief. National ID cards must have your religion listed on them, and the only options are Muslim/Christian/Jew. Contempt of religion and ‘violating Egyptian family values’ laws are pretty strict and are used to prosecute everything from girls dancing on TikTok to blasphemy. I don’t see this improving any time soon, though foreigners (non-Arabs) are given some leeway.

I hope I’ve covered the most important points, but please feel free to reach out if you have more specific questions!

[nautiscarader]

What the hecking heck has happened? - a post-not-really-mortem

What the hecking heck has happened?

So you might have noticed I have been absent for the past 2.5 months. So, where have I been? What has happened to me?

Well, you see, I got this magical music box, and when I opened it, I was transported into a different world full of talking frogs, toads and newts! I've had wonderful adventures, made lots of friends and-

Yeah, nope. I've been in a hospital.

WITH NO INTERNET

I feel you, Anne.

But let's start…

Serious warning: I will be describing my stay at the hospital, and it may get touchy for some of you. Proceed with caution.

Chapter 1: "Not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards."

So in mid-November I fell from my bed. I have multiple sclerosis and for the life of me I couldn't lift up. I had lots of bruises, so I had to be taken to hospital to clean them and then do something more with my illness… But that is just the beginning…

Chapter 2: The ballad of lemon cocaine

So here I am, lying in bed, getting meds, and around day 3 the nurse brought me a small cup full of white powder. I looked at her and blurted out "What am I supposed to do with it, snort it?" and she replied "No, sir, you're supposed to mix it in your tea or soup… " and she went away. That powder was some protein to help my wounds rebuild, btw.

But a few weeks down the line there was a twist: they gave me another powdered drink, and this one was lemon-flavoured! So I was mixing them up and called it "lemon cocaine". And it was delicious.

Chapter 3: And then shit happened

There is this nasty thing called Clostridium which gives you diarrhoea. And I caught it. So for the next ten days… well, I was busy, shall we say.

Yeah.

Chapter 4: "we got robbed!"

Imagine my surprise when one day I get a call… from Police. Turns out someone broke into my and my neighbour's basements.

So I've had another thing to worry about.

For exactly two days.

Because the thief took my neighbour's power cutting tools… AND PUT THEM ON AN AUCTION SITE.

WITH LOTS OF PICS [READ: EVIDENCE]

So that went smoothly, we both recovered everything stolen.

chapter 5: Then I was robbed.

Of some shirts. Because I was putting my used shirts and shorts in a special, red garbage bag. What I did not know is that red garbage bags are used for hazardous materials.. you can guess what happened.

RIP to my original Wakfu kickstarter shirt.

Well, it had a rip, so…

Chapter 6: Return of the shit.

So… one day my doctor came and said straight to me.

Another 10 days…

Chapter 7: I am thick skinned

And that is a problem for applying cannulas (cannuli?). Those things they insert into veins to make drips work. Apparent;y my skin is thick and locating blood vessels was incredibly difficult sometimes. The record was 6.Six times they stabbed me until it worked.

And even when they worked,the band-aids they used just wouldn't stick to my skin.

Chapter 8: Hot potato, cold potato.

So here is a thing: I don't like lying next to a heater, especially at night. I have troubles with breathing, get sweaty, etc. So naturally, they've put me right next to one. But it was okay,cos I could just turn the knob to 0, right?

No,I couldn't.

One nurse couldn't.

Second one couldn't.

A PLUMBER couldn't.

So they had to move my bed to the opposite side of the room, with the plumber telling me he'd fix it.

That was the last time I have seen him.

But after a week they moved me from neurology to neurology rehab ward, where…

They've put me in a bed next to another heater!

But this time, there was a twist… or rather,there wasn't. COS THERE WAS NO KNOB.

It took them three weeks to find one.

Chapter 9: Rehab

So I was moved to a rehab ward, where every day I was being stretched, twisted and reassembled so I can move a bit better.And honestly, all the workers they were flipping fantastic - so compassionate, so understanding with patience of saints. I will cherish time I spent with them forever.

Chapter 10: Christmas on closed ward

Time moved on, and, well, Christmas has arrived. And we've had a really neat Christmas eve celebrations! I even got an unexpected present - the mother of another patient in our room (of 4) got each of us a Gilette razor - kinda useless for me,since I was using electric one, but it was so neat, wrapped in red ribbon and all! And she baked us all cakes! And brought a small Christmas tree. Luckily, I had some sweets of my own, I gave them in return. I know it may sound silly or insignificant, but it really was a heartwarming moment.

Chapter 11: In which I became Mr. House

So, no joke, all this time as I have been lying and doing nothing, I was composing this post in my head, with gifs. And one joke would have been that I looked like this:

but I felt like this:

Well.

WELL, WELL, WELL.

Imagine my surprise when one day my rehab guy put me onto THIS COCKING MEDIEVAL TORTURE RACK.

I mean, I have always suspected that irony is another force in our universe, but that has to be a definite proof, right?

I was actually feeling pretty down that day, but when I saw this, I started laughing like a maniac. I explained the joke, since he never played FNV, but he laughed too. We started calling it "mr House treatment".

Chapter 12: The wheelchair.

Around week before Christmas, I was put for the first time on a wheelchair.And after a month of being immobile… it was exhilarating,to finally be able to do SOMETHING on my own.

And then mid-January I got my own! For free! Something something government funding, something something disability insurance, yadda yadda, who cares? I now had a wheelchair!

So for the next two weeks I have been training to make my body adjusted to my new permanent part.

And then… I was out.

AND THEN I NEARLY THOUGHT THE THIEF STOLE MY ROUTER. But no, it was simply hidden for cleaning.

So all this time I have been thinking, which character should I try to identify with?

Maybe Oracle?

Or that kid from that one ATLA episode?

But then I realised there is only choice…

I AM NOW COCKING DAVROS!

So, what now?

As of right now, I am officially disabled.

I take tons of meds, have nurses to help me, and I have to learn to live anew.

It is tough, sometimes really tough.

So I ask you all to be a bit more patient with me.

I will be slower with updates, fics, etc. because I am slower now IRL.

But know that if you are reading this, then you are my friend and I love you.

Oh, and speaking of fics.... Nah, I'll leave it as a surprise ;)

Oh and here is an unnecessary sequel!

[clingylilhoneybee]

Hey yall, I just wanted to pop in here and try to utilize my platform to bring awareness to a few things while I talk about taking a break on posting personal content of my body.

TLDR: I’m taking a break on posting new content for a currently undetermined amount of time due to a recent diagnosis of PCOS and my body adjusting as i have started to begin treatment

If you’ve been around a while, y’all know that I went through a restrictive eating disorder as a teenager and struggled to recover in an environment where I was seen as “starting to get bigger” at the time of buying a size 4 dress for a school dress. That period of recovery then coincided with starting college, leaving that family environment and a number of other things that led to me gaining a significant amount of weight, but ultimately translated to me being at a healthy weight for myself.

However, despite multiple lifestyle changes (in directions that would logically lead to more or less weight gain), I continued to gain in the realm of 10-15 pounds a year during every year of adulthood, in a way that I described as “making total sense until it didn’t”. This went on at the same time as my periods being out of whack, which I originally attributed to birth control, and chronic fatigue that I could always find an excuse for, especially as someone who was a student in higher education until these last two years.

It wasn’t until about a year ago that I became aware that a notable amount of women in my family had PCOS, and that nearly all the bigger women in my family were not just “lazy and can’t stick to a diet” like I was led to believe my whole life. Thus started the journey of the last few months for me.

After stopping hormonal birth control and ruling that out as an explanation for my symptoms about 2 years ago, I’ve been working with my doctor and recently settled on a PCOS diagnosis. During my bloodwork, I was found to have significant insulin resistance, which is likely responsible for my body gaining such a notable about of weight. Because of this diagnosis and the bloodwork, I was started on medication to manage my symptoms, which also has the side effect of weight loss. During the last 2ish months, I’ve seen a total change in my symptoms. Regular periods, massive increase in energy levels, and also a notable weight change.

As someone who has spent years working through body neutrality and separating weight from moral value, it’s been fuckin hard. I’ve had to work through emotions of my weight gain being the result of illness, and the grief of fatphobia in my family being a direct cause of me not being diagnosed earlier. It’s so hard to reconcile that my weight loss is good, not because I’m smaller but because it’s treating a symptom of a chronic condition I didn’t even knew I had. There’s also many PCOS spaces that emphasize the moral value of weight loss and spend a lot of time shitting on their bodies before treatment, and tend to focus solely on how their treatment has changed their size, and not much else. On top of that, there’s some level of guilt in being on one of the “skinny meds” (and possibly being on the oh so popular glp-1 meds in the near future) feeling like a betrayal to the body positivity movement I’ve found community in, and a “cheating” method of weight loss to the broader society who treats weight loss as a discipline based skill. Add on the comments from SO many people about my body changing and it’s been hard to work through all the emotions and settle into a point where I’m comfortable with my body.

This has also led to me being even stronger in my boundaries around my size being fetishized. While I was always uncomfortable as someone in recovery, and as someone who never wants my attractiveness linked to my size, it’s also been so frustrating and emotional to see a body that has come from neglect and unnecessary struggle being fetishized for the physical manifestation of that struggle.

So overall I’ve only posted 2 new posts since I’ve started this medication, with only one actually showing a significant amount of my body (any others have been old, reposted content). I’ve always promised myself to never post what I am uncomfortable with, just to keep up popularity and get positive attention so I fully expect this trend to keep up as I become more comfortable with the way that my body is changing. I know that’s what many of you follow me for, and I figured I’d give an explanation that includes bringing awareness to a chronically under-diagnosed condition and giving a place for me to talk through the struggles in my journey so far

I hope yall stick around while this blog is primarily reblogs for the foreseeable future, but if not please take this as your awareness post for PCOS, which, even with a massive lack of information in the medical community leading to crazy amounts of under-diagnosis, is estimated to affect as many as 1 in 5 people with ovaries

[slutty-if-ur-sweet]

Hiya anyone who happens to see this. I’m crying in bed with my cat right now lol and I have some big heavy thoughts and honestly, I’m starting to find some comfort in writing them down here and getting them out of my head.

I spent my first close to 35 years absolutely consumed with guilt. Guilt about my mental health issues, guilt about what I didn’t know at the time were traumas, just constant guilt and shame. Because I believed everything ‘wrong’ with me and all of the unintended consequences involved with having issues like those was my fault.

Now, I no longer think that. I don’t at all believe that it is my fault. I understand CPTSD now I understand just everything in a whole different way and I was able to shake the guilt and shame part of things.

But now here I am a few years into healing and doing everything as ‘right’ as I can. Therapy, meds, taking care of my spaces etc. I started working full-time again in January after years not and before I started, I was making such great progress mental healthwise. But once the job started it just all became too much my meds don’t work anymore. I’m having weird reactions to them. My anxiety is crippling. I’m watching so many things I worked hard for fall away and it’s breaking my heart. I feel completely disabled right now.

I’m doing all the things. but every day is still too much. I’ve been on medical leave from work because it’s too much and I am going to the hospital this evening to enter what I’m told is a great medication program. I tried it 10 weeks ago and I was very uncomfortable and I left after a day. But after a lot of thinking and working with my therapist, it’s my only good option. Logistically I’m out of options. I have to be back at work at August 15 and I have to do something because it’s a great job.

And I really don’t wanna go. I don’t like people making me feel small or unintelligent or disrespecting me and I just don’t know how this is going to go. But I’m gonna try to suck it up and do it. I feel like it’s my last chance and I have cycled through so many different medication’s in my life and I keep being told this is the best group of prescribers that I could see.

All of this to say, guilt and shame used to beat me into the ground every day and I am excited as fuck that I don’t blame myself anymore. That is serious progress. But now I am just fucking angry. It’s unfair. It’s sad, it’s frustrating. so yeah, I’m just angry. And that’s not something I let myself be very often but as these months go on, I am honestly just furious at everything that’s ever happened that made me how I am. And I’m sick of feeling isolated because of it.

Ughhhh wish me luck please.

[cocklessboy]

The problem with my ADHD medication is that it wears off every evening.

I had some success with Ritalin, but I had some really unpleasant side effects with it. Constant desperate thirst, no appetite, grogginess, occasional racing pulse, and, oddly, disruptively increased sex drive (to which my psychiatrist said, and I quote, “well that’s weird. that shouldn’t happen.” exactly what you want to hear your doctor say). I was panicking, because Ritalin was my last hope. There are no other ADHD meds in this country (we don’t even have Adderall here), just atomoxetine (which gave me psychotic side effects) and Ritalin.

Well, methylphenidate. That’s the chemical name. Ritalin, but also... Concerta. The same drug, but in a slow-release capsule. When you take Ritalin, it enters your blood stream quickly, then gradually fades and leaves your system within about 4 hours. Concerta is taken in the morning and very slowly releases the drug over the course of 8-12 hours. In my case, about 10 hours, pretty consistently.

On the Concerta, my side effects vanished. I have. ZERO SIDE EFFECTS. Just the benefits. It has been life-changing. I get done in a single day what used to take me a month. Easily. With minimal effort. And with no side effects.

That constant desperate itchy NEED for stimulation is... gone. I can just... do stuff. Focus on stuff. Remember stuff.

I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 37 years old. 37 years of coping mechanisms and just scraping by. 37 years of hating myself and assuming I was the lazy, useless loser everyone said I was. 37 years of finding clever ways to trick my brain into letting me do basic life tasks.

And now I have my medication. A medication that works, perfectly, and with no side effects at all.

Until it wears off.

I take my pills around 10 am, and by about 8 pm, the meds have worn off. But I’m a night owl. I’m up till 1 am at the earliest. And from 8 pm till bed time I am unmedicated.

And it’s strange. It doesn’t feel like how I used to feel. By 8 pm I’ve accomplished loads. I’ve done work for my job, cleaned my home, cooked and eaten several meals, sent a load of emails, exercised, worked on projects, done some errands... And now I’m tired. Really, genuinely tired. But the gremlins have wrested back control of my brain from the medication and they are ANGRY. They have been denied their day of constant stimulation seeking. They have been denied their frequent little dopamine hits from scrolling tumblr or playing some stupid no-effort video game. They want stimulation NOW.

But there’s none left to have. There are no tasks to be distracted by, or distracted from. No emails to agonize over replying to. No work tasks that I know I should really get done but haven’t managed to do yet. No new posts to read on tumblr. And yeah, I could probably find a no-effort video game to play but... I’m tired. I’ve been doing stuff all day. I don’t want to.

But I’m not sleepy. I have that delayed sleep cycle and I absolutely cannot sleep so early no matter how tired I am.

And so I find myself in a weird haze at the end of each day when my meds wear off. The itchy feeling of needing stimulation is back, but the usual cycle of distraction and dopamine hits has been more or less dismantled. I don’t have anything ready to keep my brain satisfied anymore. I don’t have the mental energy left to focus on anything that requires even the tiniest bit of brain power. I can’t focus both because the gremlins have taken the wheel and because I’ve been focusing really well all day and my brain just doesn’t have any fuel left.

It’s a strange sort of state to be in each evening, feeling that vague need to do something but not being able to come up with anything to do.

I’m profoundly lucky that I not only have found a medication that works for me, but live in a place where it is very affordable. I wouldn’t trade my new life for anything. In the few months since I started this medication I’ve literally turned my life around. I went from barely surviving to finally being able to do all the things I’ve always needed and wanted to do with time left over to relax. There are so, so many people who could be helped just as easily, but don’t have access to the proper medication, or maybe don’t even know they need it.

But there is still this weird state I enter each evening. The gremlins are waking up just as I’m trying to head towards bed. I’ve completed my tasks for the day and I can relax and watch a movie or read a book or play a game but... I’m tired. And the gremlins are bored. It sort of... itches. But differently to how it itched before.

And I guess I need to learn new coping mechanisms for this new situation, to replace the old ones which I no longer need.

[digiblueslush]

Here’s a yap lolz. I initially started with a “haha Phil’s medical anxiety is rubbing off on me” but I know that’s not the case and this has nothing to do with either of them lolz, but here’s me just yapping about worries about health issues and such

I’m having pretty severe medical issues at the moment (I literally haven’t been able to walk properly for a month and I’ve had extreme joint pain and cluster headaches every day) but this past week I’ve realized my intake situation has been absolutely awful. (Context I had an ED for 3 years, which I’m completely recovered from but obviously it can cause life long medical issues, and I also have Graves’ disease which I usually take medication for but I was told to stop taking it a few weeks ago since my levels weird)

Like ok, first Ive been having a lot of pain in my jaw when I chew, to the point where I can’t take more then 5 or 6 bites of a meal or snack or whatever without taking 5-10 minutes in between because my jaw will be in so much pain (mostly in my upper jaw but overall just ouch) and second since stopping my thyroid meds I’ve had a really low appetite which is VERY unusual for me, and when I do get hungry I can only eat like a third of a meal before I get super nauseous and full, and I’ve literally only taken like a singular shit this week (which I know TMI or whatever but this is tumblr, and I usually shit everyday so it’s very odd) but now I’m like convinced I have gastroparesis even though I have no significant evidence of it. I am so cooked lolz. And it sucks that despite having no direct evidence it’s still a possibility, the best guess for my walking issues is a neurological thing, and nerve issues can cause it, hyperthyroidism can cause it, and I’m already at risk of it cuz of my eating history so it’s just like aaaaaa

It sucks having all of these issues with no answers cuz I do already have my fair share of issues, but 90% of the time they were either easy fixes or things I’d at least have a diagnosis/a somewhat idea for and know how to handle them, but with this it’s been like, nothing is helping, all of my scans and labs are normal, and nobody is doing anything about it’s just like what am I supposed to do besides assume things yk?

[roaringup]

Woke up feeling like a SLUG (and clammy from, I think, having overheated in my sleep) and am using a sick day today. I’m certain it’s just brain weather and not germs, but it was clearly that state when the thoughts are so unfocused and the energy so low that I wasn’t convinced I could use the latter to shore up the former. Every time I do this (once every 2-3 months) I’m intermittently consumed by pointless bad feelings about… the audacity of using the time when I’m not “truly sick”? not guilt mostly, but irritation with myself for being unable/unwilling to suck it up on some level, thus “unwisely” draining away my earned time and perhaps some of my social capital or credibility? Silly! If anyone finds my use of sick days to be objectionable or even inconvenient, they can say so, and haven’t.

I’ve been mostly having a chill time cooking and resting and getting yelled at by the cat while Robin is visiting family in Ireland for two weeks (he left the afternoon of 2/10). I made a couple new things from a Jacques Pépin cookbook I borrowed from the library—calamari stew, cilantro rice—and had a long lovely date here at home yesterday with Lace. I have the fancy needle hammer from them now, though I didn’t use it, plus some interesting other needles that are extra long.

I think now I’ll make some tea and !!take my meds!! and hang out in the living room under the weighted blanket.

[brittanyautumn333]

I am experiencing the biggest challenge that I have ever faced in my life AND practice.

Let me start by saying that I am, by nature, an incredibly logical, intelligent human. I go down the path that makes the most logical sense, 99% of the time. I was an award-winning, nationally acclaimed singer within professional (not secular) music. I was accepted into the most prestigious music school in the country. I chose not to attend, opting for a private college here in VA, where I studied history and religion with a concentration in Arab-Israeli Conflict. I chose this example to show that too often, I choose the path MOST walked on, as that feels safer for me. While I am bipolar and impulsive at times, when it comes to choices regarding money and my LIFE, I am very practical.

As y’all know, I’ve participated in esoteric practices since I was about 11. I am experienced, and well-versed particularly in tarot. My great grandmother was a root worker in my town, and read the cards herself. I cleanse myself AND my tools almost daily. I’m aware of energies and how desires can leak into the cards. I have not only read for myself, but hired professional readers as well to draw for me on an issue that has been oddly, and almost uncomfortably, in the back of my mind for a while. The winds of change are shifting my souls placement in my body or something 😂😭.

I am being called to remain in a position that makes no logical sense. I’ve had incredibly odd dreams surrounding this situation. Details on the matter are not important, as I don’t speak on manifestations prior to fruition. I doubted that my own energies weren’t polluting my deck, so I paid a reader, and got a very similar set of cards in the outcome position.

I’m also very secretive. Friend/family/otherwise will probably not know much about me. I’m selective on what I share. I protect my dreams from being shot down, and my past from being shamed. I’m being called to balance my emotions within myself, as I’ve been forced into a position where I don’t have anyone to turn to even if I wanted to. I have to confront the shame and fear within myself.

Last year in March I did a candle working based around the wheel of fortune tarot card, and asked for what was not for me to be pulled away and have only what is mine remain. I lost every single “friend” that I had within 2 months. I found out some of the horrible things they were saying behind my back last week (forever guided and protected over here).

I’m being called to manage my impulses, my fluctuations in emotion, and remain diligent in the face of opposition. That’s how I will get what I want. Following the cause, even when I’m going down a road with 0 light. I have no idea where I’m going, but I can’t just sit in the dark.

My heart and SOUL is calling me to walk a path that doesn’t make sense. A path that makes me feel stupid where it stands. I’ve gaslit myself in this, swearing that my mental illness is getting worse. I’ve been medicated successfully for almost 10 years now. I had my doctor adjust my meds and I STILL feel this calling. “This isn’t a serotonin fluctuation, this sounds more like a gut feeling” is what my psychiatrist told me 😭😂

There’s a reason for this. Even if it’s karmic. I am destined for something wonderful, far away from here. Not sure where that will be (maybe Europe? I contemplate going to the motherland 🇸🇪 daily)

I have so much anxiety and fear. All change feels bad to me. All “death” feels scary. Not every ending and transformation is a loss.

[phawareglobal]

Graydon Cawein - phaware® interview 388

In this episode, pulmonary hypertension patient and Stanford's Race Against PH 2021 Adult PH Courage Award recipient, Graydon Cawein, discusses his long road to his rare disease diagnosis, survivor's guilt, and the importance of finding an expert treatment center.

Don't miss the 22nd Annual Race Against PH at November 22 hosted by the Vera Moulton Wall Center for Pulmonary Vascular Disease at Stanford. Click here to learn more. #raceagainstph @phaatstanford

My name is Graydon Cawein. I live real close to Stanford in Redwood City, California. I was diagnosed in 2010 when they put me on the Remodulin pump. I'd be dead a long time ago if it wasn't for the Remodulin, no doubt about that.

I’ve been doing all right for 12 years now that I've been on the pump and some other meds. I do all right. It's not like when I first got sick. It took about 14 months going to County Hospital before I got sent to Stanford and before pulmonary hypertension was ever mentioned. They sent me over to Stanford and they did the right heart catheterization and immediately said, "Yeah, you have pulmonary hypertension." I felt like I was getting old. Shortness of breath real quick. It got to where I couldn't walk 10 feet without stopping to catch my breath. That's what got me to the emergency room. Like I said, it took County Hospital 14 months to send me over to Stanford. I just kept thinking I was out of shape, getting old, because I was like 55 when I was diagnosed. Then I blacked out one day from a sprint down the aisle in a Home Depot. I started getting dizzy and just blacked out. That's what got me to the hospital, because there was no explaining it. The edema started my legs and that's what got me concerned. At County Hospital, I think they did every test you can imagine and it still would be like, "Nah, we don't think it's that. No, it's not that," or, "Let's see. We're going to do this test." County doesn't do things as fast as Stanford, so it was close to 14 months. Then the pulmonologist at County said that I might have pulmonary hypertension and that they were going to get me a referral to Stanford. I went over to Stanford. They did the right heart catheterization right away and said, "Yeah, you have PH." I'd never heard of it. I didn't know what it was. I don't know, it didn't bum me out or nothing. I've always had the attitude, "It is what it is." If it's something I can't do anything about, I'm not going to worry about it. I slowly became aware all about PH, just naturally being that I have it. It hits some people pretty hard. I consider myself really lucky. Sometimes I even feel bad because I'm not as sick as all the people I meet at Stanford. I do all right. I go out and I mow the lawn. I can't work. It stops me from doing too much physical stuff, but not too bad. I really can't complain. I still have the pump and there are two or three oral medications I take. When I go to the clinic, I'm sitting in the waiting room and I see other patients in there with PH and they just seem to be a lot sicker than I am, having a lot rougher time of it. A few of the people I've met there have passed away since. Just sitting around like this, you wouldn't even know I was sick. Sometimes I just feel guilty. They're so sick and they have the same disease and people are dying, I just feel a little bit bad about it. I feel like, "How come I'm not so sick?" Not that I want to be. At first, they were talking about a transplant, because the original prognosis, they said, yeah. I think at that time, the average was like five, five and a half years people survived after the initial diagnosis. I've gone through the whole team over there: Dr. Zamanian, Dr. Kudelko, Dr. Spiekerkoetter, Dr. Perez, Dr. Sung. They're all great people. They really are. As far as getting sick, going to County Hospital and then going to Stanford, I compare it to like, if you're going away on a trip somewhere, taking the county bus is County Hospital and taking a private jet would be Stanford. I mean the difference is that much. Everybody over there is great. They really are. I've done like five or six clinical trials. One of the clinical trials I did was called DynAMITE. They gave me an Apple watch to wear. I had to do a six-minute walk test every day using the watch and the phone and it transmitted the info to them. But I'd go into the clinic once in a while. They were just trying to see how much change there was in my abilities to walk the six minute, keep time of it, every day; as opposed to when I go into the clinic every three or four months. They've gotten me very stable. And I think that's the first thing they look at when they want to do a clinical trial. They want to know that you're stable on the medication you're taking now before they start giving you something different, then they won't know what's changing what. I would definitely say do them. Everybody should. They wouldn't have the medicines they had now if people didn't do clinical trials, right? Somebody's got to do it. I've never really gotten as sick as most of the people get with this. I'm sure it's to come in the future. I've never really been that sick. I've always gone there myself. Nobody's ever gone there with me. I don't have a caregiver. I haven't needed one yet. My family's all on the other coast. I've pretty much always been that way. I’m a very solo person. Been married once, that lasted two years. But now I've always pretty much been a loner, if you want to say it that way instead. If you're a parent, your kids are everything and that and that will motivate you to do more. You'll fight harder. In the beginning, when they wanted to doing all the testing they needed to do for transplant, I was 55 at the time. I said anything I really wanted to do, I'd done by now. I helped one guy, somebody that I met at the support group at Stanford. A guy named Mark that had PH. He had the transplant and I was helping take care of him for the like first three months. He had a wife and two daughters. I could see where he was fighting to stay alive to do it. I just never seen that much of a fight in me, because I'm single. I have no kids. If my quality of life gets that bad. It's just, "Okay, then I'm finished." Most people don't think that way. Most people are married with kids and you got a lot more to think about than just yourself. I don't have anybody to think about but myself. You know what I mean? It is what it is. With the transplant, I don't want to do it. It's too much to go through. Give it to some young kid. You got extra set of lungs? Given to some kid with PH. I think one year at The Race Against PH, there was an 11-year-old girl there that a year prior had the transplant and it brought tears to my eyes. It was like, "Okay, that's who deserves it. She hasn't had a chance at nothing yet. Give it to somebody that hasn't had a chance of life yet." That breaks my heart, kids. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to go through the recovery process. That doesn't look easy. It's a lot to go through. When they were releasing Mark from the hospital after the surgery, we were waiting for the pharmacist to bring him his new prescriptions. The pharmacist walked in and says, "Okay Mark, we got 17 new prescriptions for you." 17 new ones!? I take four or five and I have trouble making sure I take those. But yeah, it's just too much work for me. Too hard to fight, at my age anyway. Since I've been going to Stanford every year they hold this race. They hold it on campus. It's a nice course around the campus. I go there, I volunteer, help out, do what I can. The Race Against PH started in like 2001 and most of the pharmaceutical companies have tents set up there with representatives. They raise a lot of money. A lot of people show up and race. It's a good time. You get to meet a lot of people. All the doctors are there. They raise a lot of money for research. They do a lot of good. I don't really race, because I volunteer to help out with the registration or whatever they need help with down there. I've gone for the last six years. To me it's just a way to give something back. I mean, Stanford's done a lot for me. Like I said, I would've been gone a long time ago. To me, it's just a way of giving back a little bit. I'll be there. I can't say enough about the entire staff over at Stanford. They're incredible, really incredible people. My name is Graydon Cawein and I'm aware that I'm rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Follow us on social @phaware Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware Share your story: info@phaware.com

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

[bumpintheboob]

just a bump in the boob?

It’s been a while since I last posted. The past six years have been full of change, except on the cancer front (which is a good thing). I went through follow up exams every three months, then six, and finally, annual appointments. Mammograms, ultrasounds, and MRIs have been intermixed to evaluate my still-dense breast (I typed “s” at the end then deleted). Normal. Normal. Normal. Test after test. 

I stopped getting regular MRIs because my medical oncologist was concerned with reports that the gadolinium-based contrast potentially causes memory issues. As I was already having chemotherapy-induced and chemopause-induced cognitive dysfunction, we felt more comfortable cutting back on the MRIs. 

The last time I had an MRI, I think it was to check out something I detected related to my left implant. Everything came back normal. During my most recent follow up, I mentioned how I still feel something scraping, pulling, and sometimes “zinging” behind my left implant. Since I was only in Phoenix for a short period of time, my med onc gave me an order for an MRI, which I would get when I got back home.

I’m working back at the cancer center in Northern Indiana where I originally trained 10+ years ago. My office is literally above imaging, the MRI to be exact. I hear it beeping throughout the day and I swear the magnets in the machine mess with my computers and mouse. I scheduled the appointment, which was in the evening on September 20th. I had time to run home, take care of Chloe, record a podcast episode (oh, yeah, it’s been a while. I co-host a podcast, and yes, it’s about cancer), then drive 5 minutes to the hospital and undergo the MRI. Before I left, the tech asked where I had previously received my imaging so they had something to compare. 

It seemed to take forever for me to get my results. I’m used to the rapid results I would get when I was at the cancer center in Arizona. I sent a message through the patient portal, asking if they had received the results. I started to get nervous and scanxiety set in. 

On September 26th, I recorded a new podcast episode. Tina (my co-host) interviewed me for our breast cancer awareness month episodes. I told parts of my story and she asked some really good questions. Sometime while we were recording, I got a message from a nurse at the Arizona hospital to call her back for my MRI results. I thought that was strange, that she didn’t leave the result on my voicemail, but it’s not my voice on the message, so maybe it was for HIPAA reasons. I called back and left a message for someone to call me. I drove over to my friend, Anne’s house, to drop something off and I and mentioned how I hadn’t heard anything yet about the MRI results. I decided to call right then and, over speakerphone, got ahold of the nurse.

I don’t know exactly how she told me, but the nurse said something about wanting to get an ultrasound and biopsy of something in my right breast. My right breast. My native breast. My “normal” breast. I panicked. They’ll send an order for my imaging and biopsy to the cancer center here. I lost it. This isn’t possible. I’m on tamoxifen. I was told I didn’t need to continue it beyond five years and I chose to stay on it for a total of ten. I’m on tamoxifen. I tried to talk myself down. “At least it’s in the breast and not the bone right?” I laughed. The nurse didn’t. Anne drove me home in my car because I was not in a good state of mind.

I’ve been frantically checking my portal for a message that the order has been placed. I’ve sent a couple of messages to my Arizona team. It seems like weeks but it’s only been two days. I’ve gone through every scenario as to what this could be. When I was first in treatment, two spots were noted in my right breast and they were able to biopsy one (the other "vanished” when they attempted an MRI-guided biopsy) and it was a fibroadenoma. An actual fibroadenoma, not the adenocarcinoma that pretended to be a fibroadenoma in my left breast. That’s what they are seeing (I look up what enhances on a breast MRI, yes, could be a fibroadenoma), it’s a fibroadenoma. Or it’s cancer. Maybe it’s not hormone receptor positive like my former tumor, maybe it’s hormone receptor negative which would be why the tamoxifen didn’t affect it. Maybe it’s hormone negative and HER-2 receptor positive. I ran through all of the potential treatment options. Where would I get treatment? Do I go back to Oregon or to my team in Arizona? Or treat here in Indiana, where I have many friends but am so far from family.

(I just opened another tab to log in to my portal to check for messages. The fourth or fifth time today).

And so I wait, and try not to let my mind go to dark and scary places. But it does. And I talk my way back. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be normal. It’s just a little bump in the boob.

[gallusrostromegalus]

I simply must know, why you needed so many spoons? During your post Power Nap adventure? Is there lore I’ve missed?

So, "Spoon Theory" is a way of understanding chronic conditions and the limits they place on the people who have those conditions ability to do literally anything. It's based on a story by Christine Miserandino told about explaining what it was like to have Lupus that she wrote in 2003. You can read the whole thing here:

But the short version is that "Spoons" is a unit of measurement for the amount of energy (which can be broken down into physical energy, emotional energy, mental energy etc.) someone has available to use to get stuff done. If you're a healthy person, you have a big pile of spoons, if you've got a chronic condition, you have a smaller pile, maybe only a handful.

Every single thing you do costs spoons. Wake up and open your eyes? pay a spoon. Take your meds? pay a spoon. Go to work? pay a spoon, unless there's traffic, then it will cost your extra spoons!

You can see how if you have a huge pile of spoons, you'll be able to do more things before you run out. And if you're ill, you won't be able to do as many things. You *CAN* borrow a few spoons from the future, but you will have fewer spoons the following day, and borrowing too much may result in a permanently smaller spoon pile.

I have ADHD and a couple ongoing health issues, and run out of mental and emotional energy extremely fast. In the story about the real estate showing, I had already borrowed against the previous day's spoons by the time I'd done all the emergency phone calls for my friend that got stranded in Montana. By the end f the day, with the emergency calls to the quilt guilds and SCA, organizing the start of the auction, and the social fracas that followed, I'd borrowed so many spoons that It's probably going to take me a good month or two to fully recover.

It's been about two weeks since that event and I'm still pretty fatigued. I'm needing to sleep a minimum of 10-12 hours per day to feel alright, and I've gone from being able to do an average of 3-4 normal tasks a day to 1-2 per day. It'll be like this for at least another 3-4 weeks, assuming something else doesn't happen to set me back.

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

May 31, 2022: Maire needs help getting through the next 3 weeks.

You might have seen me post about Maire before, I’ve known her since she was a little kid and I have gone with her to many medical appointments and been her support person during surgery.

Maire’s next surgery is in 68 days!!

In the meantime she is totally unable to work. She’s surviving on contributions from people like you and me, which is why I’m writing this post. She is in a red state that doesn’t have expanded Medicaid.

The community member with a car who has been picking up Maire’s meds is going to be unavailable for a month starting this weekend, so if Maire wants to minimize the agony she’s in this month, she needs to raise money for her medication all at once.

$500 would cover one month of every medication she uses, but she told me she doesn’t want to be “greedy” and she said with $250 she could get enough to get by and “supplement with Nyquil” to get through the worst of the pain.

She also needs: Doordash membership: $10 Kitty food: $20 Litter: $17 Food until food stamps come in: $50 Spotify (for sanity, she spends all her time in bed in pain): $13

So to get through the next few weeks she needs, at minimum, $360, and ideally more like $610.

Would any financially secure adults be willing to help her out with even one or two dollars? Or even just share this around?

She’s an incredibly sweet person and her existence makes the world a better place. Her support system consists of extremely poor people doing our best. Her siblings live in deep poverty and she was orphaned days after her 15th birthday. She’s 26.

Her gfm has more info - it’s linked on most posts in my “maire” tag - but I’m not posting it here because it takes a few days to get to her and she needs to get meds before the weekend to have them at all this month.

PayPaI: @MaireGrupp  (or maire114 at gmail dot com)

Venm0: @Maire114  

C@$h app: MaryBear23

[svtbabiesrecs]

My Favourite Authors Updated: 2022

Hi! Hello! So i’ve been planning on doing this for a while, but since it’s a new year just ignore that we’re almost in february oof and i wanted to make an updated list of some of my favourite authors!

i’ve started stanning new groups, stopped reading for others and so i wanted a new updated list to reflect on that!

*this list is in no particular order and every single person on this list is so talented.

**also another note, i have recs from people who write about Enhypen on here. I only read the Hyung Line from Enhypen. This means i can’t tell you about the maknae line, but if it’s anything like their works for the hyung line, then rest assured it’ll be great too!

*** also i’m sorry if i got any group info wrong!

key:

♡︎ - any marked with this means that i love this author so much i’ll read any of their work regardless of that fact of if i know the group/s or not.

♡︎ @luvrbin ; (txt, tbz +more) BESTIE!! LET ME TELL YOU THEY ARE SO TALENTED!! I got into The Boyz because of them, i will read anything regardless of the group BECAUSE I LOVE THEIR WORK SO MUCH! also i simp hard now for sunwoo so you have them to thank for that hehe

@imagine-a-life-like-this ; (stray kids) So i’ve only been a Stay for around two? months? and they were one of the first blogs i read when it came to stray kids smaus. AND THEY ARE SO AMAZING!!! I’m so excited for their Jisung Soulmate au Jisung is my bias btw hehe and i already know the whole soulmate series is going to be FLAWLESS AND TRUST ME, I CANT WAIT BESTIES!

@plutominho ; (stray kids) TWO AMAZING WRITERS!! Again, another Stray Kids blog ‘cause i can’t get enough of Stray Kids rn and honestly if you want to be blessed with content then pls go support them!

@viastro ; (svt, tbz) writing? chefs kiss! smaus? chefs kiss. They can never fail in my eyes! everything they produce is gold. LIKE THE PURE TALENT!!

♡︎ @escapewriter ; (svt, tbz, ateez, stray kids) honestly their writing is pure perfection 🤩 love it, love it, love it!! if you want smaus and writings from multiple groups then this is the blog for you!!

@flickerchans ; (svt) i can’t tell you how many times i’ve read ‘About Now’, but let me tell you it’s a LOT. I honestly can’t wait to see what they do next and i’ll certainly be reading it🤩 also jihoon is my ultimate bias and this whole fic made my heart melt, solidify again and melt all over again. seriously, it’s amazing!

@ddeonuism ; (enhypen) THEYRE SO TALENTED AND CREATIVE!! Seriously support them please because their work is so amazing, you won’t regret it!!

@enhas-bestie ; (enhypen) just like everyone else on this list: AMAZING!! I’ve only really been a fan of Enhypen since maybe November, so i’m still kinda new to the group, but honestly their work is gold!

@iyeonjuni ; (txt, svt) EVERY PIECE IS A MASTERPIECE !!!! I’ve reread their work so so so many times and every time i enjoy myself more than the last. Even if you don’t stan TXT, i promise you, it’s still worth it to check out their work because it’s truly amazing!

@00-baejin-05 ; (txt) FLAWLESS! AMAZING! WONDERFUL! Their SMAUs are amazing! Another blog with fics ive read countless times because they’re truly amazing! 10/10 would recommend and read again!

@btxtreads ; (txt, bts) another blog i’ve read so many times! their work is amazing, it’s pulls at the heart strings and is just a blessing to read!

— — —

okay, so i think that’ll be enough for now haha. Over time, i’ll reblog this post to add more blogs. So for now, these are my go-to favourite people to read from!

i’m big fans of all of them and i hope they continue to write and create because every single person on this list deserves all the love and happiness in the world. PLEASE SUPPORT THEM AND CHECK THEM OUT!!!

so that’s all from me for now!

i hope you have a wonderful day! remember to eat, stay hydrated, take your meds if you take meds and most of all remember you are loved and are worthy of love. If no one else has told you today, i’m so proud of you and i’m proud of you for continuing on and for being you.

with all of my love,

H( ˘ ³˘)♥︎

[losingitinjersey]

Ever spend the last 12 days intending to blog every day and then never finding the time to do so?  Yup, that’s where I’ve been at.  Straight up in survival mode over here.  

My MIL left on Monday and while my days since have been spent constantly putting out fires managing two crying children (often at the same time), I’m oh so flipping happy to be on my own again :) I understand that it’s important for family to come and visit and get to know their grandchildren. While I’m happy we all had that time together I’m glad to now have the time to figure out life as a family of four without an extra person in the house.  

Kevin started a new rotation that has him gone six days a week from 4 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. (or later) so all he has time to do is come home and sleep.  Poor guy :( I went from having both him and either my mom or MIL home all the time to now doing everything alone.  It’s a lot but I’m surviving!  

Here’s a rundown of some of the highlights from the last 12 days. 

Aug passed her hearing test!  Woooo!

Thanks to the MIL here, Kevin and I were able to go (BY OURSELVES) out to dinner, out to brunch, on several walks, and two grocery shopping dates!  Such a dreeaaammm!

My MIL strongly dislikes/is scared of my cat, Saki.  As such, on one of the days I was gone at appointments with Aug for six hours she didn’t let him downstairs.  Due to this he pooped in my bedroom on the carpet :(  To my MIL’s credit, she thought he had a litterbox upstairs, but no.  That’s why I’m always letting him down and opening up the bathroom with the litterbox in it for him all the time.  Pay attention, woman. 

While we’re on the MIL rant, I’ll keep going with two more stories. 

I’ve put Erp to sleep every night of her life except for when I was at the hospital delivering Aug.  We have a bedtime routine that I look forward to every day and one that I find to be an intimate experience that only we share.  One night that I’m putting her down, I come out to find the kitchen and dining room still a mess with Kevin and his mom sitting on the couch (she has Aug in her arms so she gets a pass).  But I’m frustrated and start to clean.  At one point I look up to ask if MIL can turn on the monitor (that I know was turned off before I went in to start bedtime) and I see she’s looking at it watching Erp.  I ask her if that means she watched us while we were in there.  She replied that she had.  I reply, “Great.” Drop what I’m washing in the sink and run upstairs slamming the door shut behind me.  I go to pump and cool off.  I come downstairs 40 minutes later to tell her I overreacted but also that I felt she had invaded our privacy.  She tells me, through tears, that it reminded her of her time with Kevin when he was a baby.  I get it, but still.  Kevin said had he known she was watching he would have told her to stop since I made it VERY clear to him early on in Erp’s life that I don’t like being watched on the monitor when I’m in there with her.  I guess I should have told her about my preference in advance but I never thought I’d need to spell it out like that.  

For the last week she was here, she had Chicago Med on the TV constantly, at relatively loud volume.  Please note that we never ever ever have the TV on at our house unless we’re actively watching something, and if that happens it’s 99% of the time just me watching and I do it for an hour at night when everyone is asleep.  If we need background noise, music is playing.  She would just sit on the couch and watch her show talking about gunshots, premature birth, and whatever kind of medical drama while my kids are running around.  I’m sorry, but I thought you were here to connect with your grandkids?  So while she sat on the couch, I would engage and play with Erp for hours.  Cool cool cool.  

Please note that despite all this she’s a lovely woman and a great grandmother and mother and MIL.  I came into her visit already dreading more company, and I’m sure I’m still surging with hormones from the pregnancy (right? or am I just this way always now?).  All this to say that I was not begging her to stay and getting used to taking care of both kids on my own wasn’t that hard since I’d basically been doing it during her entire visit. 

Okay, let’s take a breather and talk about other things. 

Do you remember the 21st night of September? I DO because my 6 week old slept 12 straight hours! GLORIOUS. 

After finishing listening to Billy Summers (loved it!) I decided to undertake Stephen King’s hefty novel, The Stand.  I’d been scared to attempt it ever since I read 100 pages of it in 9th grade before deciding to pick it up again later.  I guess 23 years later did the trick because I’m thoroughly enjoying it!  I’ve learned that audiobooks are the only way I can get through any material lately.  It makes me want to go out on walks and take drives so I can listen to MoAr!  I’m already 10 hours into the 48 hour novel.  Although, I gotta say, it certainly feels strange to read about a deadly pandemic (written in 1978) during this current pandemic.  

After two months since I initially contacted the nearby school/daycare, I finally followed up to get Erp on a waitlist.  There are six kids ahead of her.   We took a tour on Friday and I want her to get in so so badly, hopefully before we move in June!  It would be such a great place for her to socialize and learn!

If any of the above isn’t telling, my hormones are all over the place. I know this because my face has decided to rage in all the redness and acne. So fun! 

Thanks to getting my house back, I’ve been able to establish a routine for us which includes going on stroller walks every day with the girls!  We’ve already made it over 37 miles this month!  Loving the outside time and knowing I’m working hard at my weight loss efforts.  

Despite being on maternity leave, this past Friday I was invited to participate in an EA (virtual) offsite with my team at work!  It was great to be able to see everyone again!  At the end we participated in a cooking class where they mailed me a box of all the ingredients to cook a NY Strip Steak and Corn Succotash! Deeeelicious! 

Given Erp’s increasing interest and ability at walking, I attempted a walk with her the other day, sans stroller!  I wore Aug in a wrap on my chest and held Erp’s hand as we walked around the neighborhood. We walked a good 1/4 of a mile!  Everything was fine until we made it back to our walkway and she refused to climb up the step to head back inside.  Like, laid flat on the ground refusal.  Since Aug was on me I couldn’t really just grab Erp and muscle her back inside.  She wouldn’t listen to any request of mine to go inside so we had a power struggle of what felt like 15 minutes but I’m sure was closer to 5.  She would try to crawl around my feet (into the bushes even to get around me), and any time I tried to lift her up she’d pull herself to the ground crying.  Eventually I tucked Aug’s flopping head into the fabric of the wrap so I could lean down and grab my tantruming child and carry her inside.  I want to be able to keep up with these excursions but not sure how to do so if she continues to rebel like this.  Like, if she did this farther from home we’d be up a creek.  Hopefully she’ll improve in time? 

OKAY! Hopefully we can now get back to our regularly scheduled blogging so a massive update like this won’t be necessary again :)  Thanks for taking time out of your day to catch up with me!