#It needs its own fucking app like gallery

[toytulini]

wish the little listicles and articles reccomending google alternatives didnt like, mention ios. like no offense but do you think i dont know what an iphone is. you think im looking into google alternatives but i dont know that apple exists? you really think that? if i was going to buy a fucking apple product id already be doing that?

[inkskinned]

i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".

it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.

do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.

but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.

do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).

you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.

walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.

no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.

do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."

you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.

there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.

i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.

he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."

[empty-movement]

Welcome to Something Eternal: A Website Forum in 2023 wtf lmao

It's 2023, and a single belligerent rich guy destroyed one of the primary focal points of uh...global communication. Tumblr is, shockingly, kinda thriving despite the abuse it gets from its owners, but that I will call the iconic refusal of Tumblr users to let Tumblr get in the way of their using Tumblr. Reddit killed its API, removing the functionality of mobile apps that made it remotely readable (rip rif.) Discord, our current primary hangout, has made countless strange choices lately that indicate it has reached the summit of its usability and functionality, and can only decline from here as changes get made to prepare for shareholders. (NOTE: WROTE THIS POST BEFORE THEIR MOBILE "REDESIGN" LMAO)

The enshittification is intense, and it's coming from every direction. Social media platforms that felt like permanent institutions are instead slowly going to let fall fallow incredible amounts of history, works of art, thought, and fandoms. It kinda sucks!

A couple years ago, I posted about a new plan with a new domain, to focus on the archiving of media content, as I saw that to be the fatal weakness of the current ways the internet and fandoms work. Much has happened since to convince me to alter the direction of those efforts, though not abandon them entirely.

Long story short? We are launching a fucking website forum. In 2023.

If you remember In the Rose Garden, much about Something Eternal will be familiar. But this has been a year in the making, and in many ways it's far more ambitious than IRG was. We have put money on this. The forum is running on the same software major IT and technology businesses use, because I don't want the software to age out of usability within five years. It has an attached gallery system for me to post content to, including the Chiho Saito art collection. It has a profile post system that everyone already on the forum has decided is kinda like mini Twitter? But it is, fundamentally, a website forum, owned and run and moderated by us. We are not web devs. But we have run a website on pure spite and headbutting code for over twenty years, and we have over a decade of experience maintaining social spaces online, both on the OG forum, and on our Discord. Better skilled people with far more time than we have can and will build incredible alternatives to what is collapsing around us. But they're not in the room right now. We are. And you know what? Maybe it's time to return to a clunkier, slower moving, more conversation focused platform.

You're not joining a social media platform with the full polish of dozens of devs and automated moderation. Things might break, and I might need time to fix them. The emojis and such are still a work in progress. Because e-mails no longer route in reasonable normal ways, the sign-up process instead happens within the software, and has to be approved by mods. Design and structure elements may change. Etc. The point being, that the forum isn't finished, but it is at a place where I feel like I can present it to people, and it's people I need to help direct what functions and things will be in this space. You all will shape its norms, its traditions, its options...choices I could try to make now, but really...they're for us to create as a group! But the important stuff? That's there. Now let's drive this baby off the damn lot already!

Come! Join us!!

PS. As always, TERFs and Nazis need not apply.

[musclesaber]

Growth Drive Week 1

[Story Gallery] [Week 0] [Rob's 1st Report] [Week 2] [Rob's 2nd Report] [Linktree] [Ko-Fi]

The results are in and boy did y'all make him grow!

Jared grew to a whopping 1,620 feet tall in just the first week! Keep that energy up as this week the values are increased and you can grow him more!

You know the rules, anything you can do to the post like ❤️ ♻️ 💬 will make Jared bigger so...

Let the growth begin!

“Please give it up for…The Hulking Himbo!” called Rob over the microphone as Jared sauntered out onto the stage and gazed down at all the men seated in the underground strip club. His big bulge waved from side to side as a holographic screen appeared next to Jared’s head reading 6 on it.

“Here are the rules! This Hulking Himbo will grow 1 foot taller for every $10 you give him. We accept cash, check, and most third party apps,” said Rob like a fast talking commercial advertisement. The crowd hollered again for Jared as he hit a double bicep pose and flexed his massive pecs.

“Y’all ready to see this big daddy GROW!?!” shouted Jared. Dollar bills started flying through the air onto the stage as an answer to his question. Jared smiled and started dancing for his clientele. He popped his torso forward for the men in the audience making his sizable chest jiggle. Bringing his hands up to his collarbone, he stroked them down his body while gyrating his package forward. His massive bulge bouncing right in front of a man’s face.

As dollar bills fell on the stage floor, Rob fangled with the remote in the DJ booth. Pressing various buttons on the device, the hole for the vacuum setting extended into a hose and started slithering towards the stage. The hose sucked up all the dollar bills at Jared’s feet and the number on the screen beside Jared’s head started to flicker. 

“That’s it folks, now watch and see what your hard earned cash is doing to him.” Jared felt the same warm sensation that he had felt when Rob had taken his measurements before, but this time, it felt so much more intense. Every fiber of his body felt like it was having its own personal orgasm as he felt his skin stretched. His cock immediately got hard and strained the speedo to leave nothing left to the imagination. Opening his eyes with a jolt, Jared looked down and watched his body swell bigger. He could see the men below him getting further away as his head rose higher.

“Holy fuck,” Jared managed to get out of his mouth as he grew. He had stopped dancing entirely and the men in front of him stood there in shock. Right before their eyes, this hunk was growing taller by the second. The number on the screen next to Jared blinked into a 7, then quickly an 8. His limbs stretched in every direction and his muscles looked like they too got a bit of a pump from Jared’s growth spurt.

As quickly as the growth spurt had started, Jared felt the warmth that had engulfed his body fade and eventually extinguish completely. Looking back up at the audience, Jared saw the men gobsmacked. All of their mouths hanging open in awe of Jared’s size. Jared stood up to his full height and stared down at the men ogling his big body. “Who told you it was okay to stop?” Once the words left his lips, the men resumed their cash flow towards Jared’s dance. “And quit throwing those one’s around! I need MORE!” roared Jared.

All of the men in the room clamored towards the stage and started throwing piles upon piles of money at Jared. “You need to be as big as possible!” called one man from the crowd. The big man resumed his dance and could feel the new weight of his body as he moved. His big feet thudded loudly against the stage making the poor wood creak. 

The dollar bills littered the stage and the vacuum quickly sucked it all up leading to the warmth returning to Jared. This time however, Jared kept dancing and played through the growth. He gave the crowd a nice body roll and with every roll, his torso got longer and broader. The screen next to Jared’s head quickly blinking passed numbers.

Jared was brought out of his fantasy when he felt a bump against his head. He had hit the 12 feet tall ceiling and still he grew. Bending over, Jared got down onto his knees and was still towering over the men around him. He raised his arms above his head and flexed his abs. His ab’s easily looked bigger than a man’s fist and were still growing. 

One man being so bold as to walk up to the giant and slip a $50 bill in the speedo. “Bigger!” said the man as he got a quick rub of Jared’s humongous bulge. His hand looked so small next to the golden stag that stretched across the speedo. Jared’s eyes lit up when he saw the $50 and he could feel the results almost immediately.

The numbers on the screen flickered as it skipped over many sets of numbers before settling on 50. Jared could only moan as energy coursed through his veins and his body grew faster. Not even caring about the tiny men in front of him. Even from his kneeling position, Jared’s head was again approaching the ceiling. But just before it did, Jared’s body crushed the stage beneath him. Postponing his breakout of the ceiling, but only for a moment. 

As Jared’s body rapidly filled the room, bells and whistles rang from the DJ booth. “Congratulations! For reaching 50 feet tall, you have unlocked a free boost to your muscles!” shouted Rob. 

“A what?” growled Jared. As if to answer his question, his muscle started heating up along with the already warm energy he could feel running through them. Jared’s muscles had been growing proportionally to the rest of his body, but now he could feel them growing faster than the rest of him. He looked down and saw his chest heaving out bigger and bigger with each breath. Each of his pecs could fit a man on them already and now they could be compared to king sized mattresses. His shoulders broadened and made the giant become squished between the walls. His back thickened and pressed into the ceiling above them. His already fat ass growing to the size of an actual dump truck and breaking down the wall to the backstage rooms. 

“Everyone out unless you want to get crushed by your growing god!” Jared moaned as cracks in the wall formed. The men in the bar rushed out of the building and turned back and saw Jared’s giant form tear apart the roof of the building. 

Jared got up from his kneeling position and took in his new view. He was standing taller than many of the smaller buildings on the outskirts of the city where his club was. At his giant size, Jared’s muscle already looked ginormous, but with the added boost, Jared had gone from athlete to bodybuilder. He looked down and saw all the men still standing below him along with a growing crowd of passersby. All of them staring up at the giant with hard ons in their pants. 

With a bright flash of light and a poof, Rob appeared on Jared’s shoulder. “Alright big guy, you’ve had your fun. Now let’s get that Speedo off.” 

“What?!? Never! I’m not even close to the size I wanna be!” Jared’s voice echoed through the entire city like thunder. It being much deeper now thanks to his new size. “You tinies are gonna hand all your money over to me! Meet your new ruler!” boomed Jared. 

“We’re not giving you anything!” came a voice from the crowd. Jared got back down on his hands and knees and narrowed his eyes at the crowd. 

“Which one of you bugs said that?” He scanned the entire audience until a man on the other side of the street raised his hand. 

“I did! You can’t do this. You’re taking all these people’s money and for what? Just so you can have more business as a stripper? Or fame as a giant? Uh uh, fuck that. Don’t give him any of your money!” yelled the man. 

Jared crawled his big body towards the tiny man, his hands leaving craters in the street as he did. “I think I can, you pathetic worm!” Jared plucked the small man off the ground like he was just an action figure. Standing up to his full height, he brought the man right up to his face that was taller than him by a few feet. Rob beside him, hovering watching the exchange. 

“You- you think you can scare me?” said the man as he looked down and saw just how high up he was. 

“I don’t think I can scare you. I know I can,” growled Jared as he took his fist and punched a hole in the building next to him like it was brittle paper. “And no one is stopping me from growing. Especially not a small, insignificant, bug like you.” Jared raised his head back and opened his mouth. 

“Wait, wait no! I didn’t mean it! Hold on! We can talk about this!” yelled the man. But it was no use. Rob’s eyes widened as Jared tossed the man down his throat like he was a little cracker. 

“Too late. You’ll be better as fuel for my growth!” said Jared as he swallowed. 

“Did you really have to do that?” asked Rob as he laid down on Jared’s pecs. 

“I did. I can’t let these small insects think they can get away with shit like that,” whispered Jared to Rob. “If you all don’t want to end up like him, I suggest you open up your wallets and start handing all of it over!” Jared’s voice thundered through the street as the men held up cash in their hands offering it to him. Either out of attraction or fear. 

It didn’t matter to Jared, he felt the flow of energy come back and he was growing again. The holographic screen popped into view next to Jared’s head, now the size of a Jumbotron, and the numbers rolled past 60 and 70 in no time. Standing in the middle of the street, Jared could see all the buildings shrink away from his view. His shoulders pressed into taller buildings beside him as he became wider than the 6-lane road below. 

As he continued to grow, Jared felt the energy current getting weaker. Glaring down at his followers, he saw them still throwing money his way. “Rob, what’s going on? Why am I growing slower?” asked Jared, reaching 80 feet tall. 

“You’re not growing slower. You’re just so big, it’s hard for these guys to give you enough money for you to see actual growth,” replied Rob. 

“Then I guess I need to get some new followers.” Jared picked up his massive foot and started walking towards the city. The ground shook as he walked and he accidentally crushed a parked car like it was a leaf in autumn. Citizens all over the city could see the giant walking towards downtown and while some ran in terror, others were drawn to Jared like a moth to a flame. 

Reaching downtown, Jared felt his growth come to another halt when he got too far away from his minions, but it was only for a moment. He looked down at the city and most of the buildings didn’t even come up to his waist. The only thing bigger than him now were the skyscrapers that stood over a thousand feet in the air. 

“Congratulations!” shouted Rob as he poofed in front of Jared’s face wearing a party hat. “You have reached 100 feet tall! That means you get a boost to your cock!” Jared smirked and was going to speak, but cut himself off with a moan that shook the buildings around him. 

Jared’s bulge bucked as it inflated in size. His cock must’ve been 15 feet long at his size, but it swelled bigger and bigger inside its purple prison, along with his balls that were filled with gallons of cum. The fabric of the speedo stretched and stretched as Jared’s cock extended multiple feet a second. His bulge growing down to his knees, shins, then finally resting on the street below him with a wet spot the size of a billboard.

The transformation stopped and Jared caught his breath for a moment as he looked out at the city and basked in his size. Taking in the view of all of the little people scrambling towards him to worship his massive body. He loved it. He needed more of it. “Rob, project the QR code on that skyscraper. I wanna milk these tinies for everything they’re worth,” said Jared with a smug smirk on his face. 

“I don’t know, big guy. You’ve already grown plenty,” said Rob as he floated around Jared’s head. 

“I didn’t ask for your opinion. You’re supposed to be giving me the royal treatment, remember. Now do as your king demands and get the money moving again!” yelled Jared.

Rob let out a sigh and started pressing buttons on the device. “It’s your funeral.” Rob pointed the device at one of the skyscrapers that surrounded Jared and a massive image of a QR code was projected onto the building. 

“Citizens of New York City!” shouted Jared from the center of town. Windows on buildings shattered as Jared’s voice carried on for miles. “This is your new god speaking! Do not be alarmed! I will not hurt you! As long as you make a contribution to your new god's growth!” Jared leaned down to see over his pecs and saw a crowd of people surrounding his bulge. “And if you contribute enough, I’ll even let you live on my incredible body!” yelled Jared as he brought his arms up and flexed. His wingspan now covered multiple city blocks. 

It didn’t take long before the energy began to flow again. Jared moaned and started getting bigger. Much bigger. Unlike in the strip club when he felt a constant flow of size to him, he was growing in bursts. “Woah, people like you. A lot. They’re giving their money away to you in the hundreds,” said Rob with a stunned look on his face. 

The screen floating next to Jared’s head sped through numbers like a slot machine at a casino. 150, 200, 300, 500, the number was jumping higher at rates Rob had never seen before. And Jared’s body was more than happy to oblige. With every heartbeat, Jared rose higher and higher into the sky. His limbs lengthening, his muscle swelling with power, even his bulge got more of a boost and started demolishing the buildings in front of it as it grew. 

Jared started to see the tops of the skyscrapers as his growth continued. One of the biggest cities in the world was starting to feel minuscule compared to his giant body. His big toe was bigger than a car and his bulge could fill an entire stadium at its size. His biceps were forced out to the side into buildings from how muscular they had become. His pecs were so big they could be measured in acreage instead of just feet. His abs were the size of house and a normal street could fit on his happy trail. And his legs looked thicker than the buildings he was standing next to. 

“Alert alert alert!” cried Rob. Jared was brought out of his euphoria of growth and looked over at Rob. “Three people have just contributed a lot of money to your growth!” said Rob with more shock than excitement. 

“How much?” asked Jared. 

“One of them gave you $200 and said he wishes your feet were bigger, another gave you $500 and would love to grow your cock more, and the last one gave a whopping $1,000 to see your pecs and ass balloon,” said Rob with a shocked expression. 

“Can you make it so?” asked Jared as he kept growing. 

“I can, but you might look even more like a freak then you already do.”

“Perfect.” Rob hit some buttons and a sharp pain ran through Jared’s body. “AHHHHH what the fuck?!?” roared Jared. Everyone on the ground was forced to cover their ears otherwise go deaf listening to the giant’s screams. 

“I didn’t say it would feel good.” Jared felt the pain consolidate onto his feet first. He looked down but couldn’t see his feet thanks to his pec shelf and growing bulge, but he could feel them extending across the ground. Tearing up the asphalt on the street as they extended in front of him. Digging deeper into the ground as his weight increased. 

Then he felt the pain travel up to his cock. It already was massive, but it quickly doubled in size. It grew through the city like a train and his balls flattened the buildings like pancakes. To Jared’s surprise, he looked down and could actually see the purple bulge swelling out in front of him past his pecs. Filling his view of what he could see in the city. And he could see little dots all over the speedo of his worshippers. 

“They’re so small, I can’t even feel them!” Jared cried again when the pain moved again to his ass. Jared had always had a fat ass, but now it was growing obscenely huge. The big ass blossomed backwards and outwards and demolished the skyscraper behind Jared. It grew through multiple floors as it bubbled bigger. Turning to the side to admire his ass, Jared was unaware of just how massive it had become and rammed it into a neighboring skyscraper. His big cheeks pressed up against all the windows giving anyone inside an incredible look at his ass. 

Finally, the pain traveled up again to his pecs. Each of them felt huge already in their own right, but as the pain sunk in, they began to surge bigger unlike any of the others. They grew into fat pecs that hung low on Jared’s body. Growing up into his face, obscuring his view even more than it already was. The shadows they cast looked like two massive moons were beginning to eclipse the sun from the entire city. 

The pain began to die down as did the transformation. Jared panted in exhaustion and looked at the screen next to him. 1,090. He had broken the 1,000 feet mark. Rob floated back over to his head and twisted in the air like he was in water. “Satisfied?”

“Never.” Jared pulled himself together and up to his full height. “Where are those subjects that contributed so much? Could you bring them to me?” Rob nodded and poofed away. After a moment, he reappeared with 3 men all standing on Jared’s massive pecs. “Thank you my loyal subjects. Your contributions today have helped greatly in your master’s ascension to godhood.” 

“We love you master!” cried one of them as they fell to their knees and kissed Jared’s pecs. 

“We only wish to see you bigger!” yelled another. 

“Good boys,” purred Jared. “And as a reward for your generosity, enjoy some prime real estate on your growing god’s body. Rob, put these men in the crevice on my body of their choosing.” Rob bowed his head and grabbed one of the men by the arm and poofed them to in between Jared’s big toes. 

“We want nothing more than to serve our giant growing god,” said one of the men kissing Jared’s pecs. 

“Good, you’ll be serving me for as long as I grow,” replied Jared as Rob poofed back and grabbed the next man. Transporting him into Jared’s speedo in between Jared’s cock and balls. “So be prepared to serve me for the rest of your life.”

“Yes master,” replied the man. Rob poofed back and took the man’s hand. 

“Your new home is right here.” Rob pointed at the massive canyon that Jared’s pecs created and the man, without hesitation, jumped into the deep valley and disappeared. “You’ve grown to over 1,000 feet tall, are you done now?” asked Rob. 

“I will never be done. You are going to grow me until I can’t grow anymore, and then maybe even more then. Understand?” asked Jared. 

“Yes,” replied Rob. 

“Yes what?”

“Yes, master,” uttered Rob begrudgingly. “But I will say, you have reached another special milestone. At 1,000 feet, you receive a boost in size based on my approval of your growth. Think of it as a review I’ll send back to the maker of this speedo,” said Rob. 

“Review? You’re gonna give me the best review right? Who else can grow like me?” asked Jared. 

“I’m giving you 4.9 stars out of 5. You lost 0.1 for eating that one guy.”

“Worth it. And how will that affect me?” Rob played with the device before he aimed it at Jared and a purple beam shot out of it. 

“You’ll receive a free 49% percent boost in your size.” Rob couldn’t help but smirk a little bit as Jared contorted his body. His head started spinning as the best growth spurt he’d ever felt flooded his system.

Jared’s other growth spurts paled in comparison to this one. Jared’s head rose towards the clouds like a rocket blasting off. He felt many different parts of his body tearing down the structures of the city as more worshippers clung to his body. Avoiding the tidal wave of growth his body was going through. 

The energy he’d felt started to dissipate and his growth slowed. Opening his eyes, Jared could see the Empire State Building level with his nipple. He smiled remembering how small he’d felt looking up at the giant skyscraper for years. Now it wasn’t even taller than his cock.  Looking around, news helicopters were flying around his head as his growth finally subsided and they looked no bigger than a housefly to him. “How’s the view from up there?” asked Jared. 

“Wanna see?” Rob landed on Jared’s nose and cast the news report onto his pecs. 

“Wow.” Jared’s mouth hung open seeing himself. He was enormous. His body looked big enough to squash one of the burrows in New York and from the looks of it, his cock maybe had. His muscles had grown into a hyper size that made him look buffer than any bodybuilder he’d ever seen. Especially with the boost to his ass and pecs. His width extended over many blocks and there were hundreds of people scurrying around his gargantuan feet. Looking at the screen floating next to him, Jared was elated when he read the number, 1,620. “I’m a giant!”

“You definitely have some giant in you Jaren,” said Rob leaning back on Jared’s nose. 

“Now, why did I stop growing?”

(Some more quick authors notes, thank you all so much for participating in the first round of the growth drive. As you can see, all of your efforts made Jared grow very very big, but it’s still only the first week so let’s do it again, but this time with bigger numbers. A huuuuuuge thank you to those who donated, I hope y’all liked where you ended up. And to the person who reported my story claiming I was trying to get clout, fuck you. Get eatin’ ya little bitch. Thanks for the plot. Anyways, Happy Macro March and on with the Growth Drive! This round will run from March 15th to March 21st. Get to growing!)

[pintsizebear]

A quick guide on diversifying your internet use

Big social media is going to keep being disappointing because their wants and needs don't come anywhere close to aligning with their users wants and needs. EVERY big social media site or app will eventually misalign with its users, because having the entire internet's worth of people in one place is unsustainable for moderation and for financial reasons. It's an unavoidable fate for sites that are supposed to be the hub for everything.

It doesn't have to be that way. Start diversifying the sites you use BEFORE your favorite social media site becomes basically unusable or goes down completely. Take some power away from big tech corporations. Drag your friends into it too, you don't have to explore alone!

Here's a few examples of things you can do:

Join some forums There's forums for basically everything you can think of, from toy collecting, to discussion of specific disabilities, to gardening, to niche roleplay topics, and they've been running for decades so there's immense amounts of knowledge on them. Plus, people tend to be super friendly and welcoming of newbies, so you're likely to make new friends if you post regularly on them. Googling/searching for a topic + "forum"/"discussion board" (like "knitting forum" or "paper mache discussion board") will generally get you what you're looking for. Save your favorites and give them a visit every now and then!

Subscribe to some RSS feeds RSS feeds make it incredibly simple to get updates and news from your favorite websites, including a lot of social media sites! RSS readers + aggregators take the RSS information from your chosen websites (+ tumblrs, twitters, youtube channels, etc) and puts them into an easy to browse format, all in one place. Readers and aggregators are available as browser addons, desktop programs, mobile apps, email subscriptions, embeddable widgets, whatever suits your needs best. Your RSS subscriptions aren't subject to annoying, everchanging, unpredictable algorithms. They'll only show you what you're subscribed to and they'll be in chronological order. Most of them are completely free and have no ads.

Make your own website Having your own website fucking rules and you're fully in charge of everything about it. Make a blog, make an art gallery, use it as a personal image or video host, show your ass, who cares. It's yours to do what you want! Free web hosting: While free hosting is a lot more limited in what you can do, it's also much more accessible if you're not sure you want to fully commit to running a website or if you just want something to throw info on a couple times a year. A few popular examples are NeoCities (also offers a decent paid option,) Cloudflare Pages, and GitHub Pages (SFW only.) Paid web hosting: Paid hosting is generally better for people who are more dedicated to running a site, such as people who need a stable platform for work related stuff (artists, online stores, etc.) You'll generally want your own domain name (like youtube.com or wikipedia.org) which you can get at sites like namecheap, namesilo, or porkbun. Many webhosts offer free subdomain names (like how tumblr blogs are yourblogname.tumblr.com) but having your own domain makes it easy to move to another host if you need to without your url changing. Your choice of web host depends heavily on your price bracket, what you plan to use it for, features you need, if you need to host NSFW content, how much traffic you expect, etc. Contact the support team of any web host you're looking at to make sure they offer what you need before you buy their services. Shared web hosting (where multiple websites are hosted on the same server) is generally the cheapest and most accessible option for the majority of people looking to run a website. Unless you're planning on having several thousands of people on your site all at once on a regular basis, that's probably the option you want. Avoid anything owned by EIG/Newfold Digital. Self-hosting: This is the most complicated option, but also the most versatile. With self-hosting, you're only really limited to the laws of your region and the bandwidth you get from your internet provider, rather than the limits put in place by a hosting company. Take this option only if you're willing to set up a dedicated server and get into all the technical stuff that comes with it. Here's an okay guide for how to get started, though you'll want to do a lot more research beyond this.

[livseses]

Idk if I'm onto something at all, but I think I connected two dots of frustration just now.

Okay so, I'm fucking around in my phone. Still hype that FTP is built into the file explorer. Genuinely, that's a solidly good thing and it's a damn shame that doesn't exist for literally every file browser. But when I go to look for photos, I realize it doesn't match up with the filesystem. All of our pictures in the "bonibel" album in our gallery are just scattered haphazardly throughout DCIM and Downloads. And when we use another app (Element in this case) to pull up a picture, it's using yet another method of fetching files, unless we go through 2-3 extra screens to get to the file explorer.

And when I was explaining this annoyance to my gf, I recalled a Tom Scott video where he talked about how gmail's labels work and took the place of folders there. Recall ofc is hazy and needs plenty of salt, but what we remember was that the way emails are organized in gmail is that they're all just in one spot and labels are attached to just filter them out.

And I'm just like, really annoyed by these two instances of taking our directories away. Directories/folders are, if not the best way of organizing stuff, the way that all modern operating systems are built upon already. Organizing stuff into folders (for us at least) is incredibly intuitive since that's how it's done in every other computer that's not an appliance. (And it's done in these appliances too, they just don't let you get into them)

Idk, this is a bit of a late night ramble, but I'm frustrated, annoyed, and downright worried about the way tech is going. Corpos don't want us owning anything. They don't want us fucking with our devices. They want you to replace your computer/phone/console/tablet with a new one instead of any ability to extend its life yourself. Everything is locked away and obfuscated so they can keep you on the thing the way they want it. Cloud services. Subscriptions. Forced automatic updates that install adware. App store monopolies. It's all this shitty capitalist takeover of quite possibly the greatest invention in human history.

[pinknipszz]

HIS PLANS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

⤷ toji fushiguro, hiromi higuruma, takuma ino, and hajime kashimo

TOJI reserves a table at a nice restaurant. toji doesn’t have a lot of money. he’s barely able to put food on his own table, so going out to eat quality dinner is really fucking rare. he knows how important valentine’s day is though, so toji puts in double the effort at work to rake in enough cash for a table at the restaurant downtown. it’s not michelin star or anything like that, but the atmosphere is nice and the food is good, so toji gives them a call the second he gets his next salary. he nearly busts his balls when they ask for a deposit though. but whatever. toji bites his tongue and makes the reservation anyway. dating is hard in this economy.

he also buys you gel nail strips. toji loves making you feel pretty. he is a very confident man, so of course he wants you to feel confident too. the only problem is how goddamn expensive it can be to get your hair, nails, and makeup done. toji doesn’t have a lot of money for himself but it’s nearly valentine’s day for god’s sake, so he explores the mall for something good to give you. he finds that gel nail strips are a safe option; they’re cute, accessible, and easily applicable. they don’t ruin your fucking nail beds either, so he buys plenty in your favorite colors and designs. the uv lamp is a little pricey, but he loves you enough to buy one that matches your room aesthetic.

HIROMI takes you to a gallery opening. hiromi is a modest man, and so is his idea of a date. with valentine’s day approaching, he decides to purchase two entrance tickets for a new art gallery in the heart of the city. he only learns about it from a coworker who suggests that they go together, but what’s better than critiquing art with your girlfriend? although there’s not much to do besides supporting local artists and eating finger foods, there’s an elegant simplicity to it that really reflects hiromi’s character. he values quality time above all else, and he doesn’t need frou-frou things to demonstrate that for him. 

he also buys you matching jewelry. valentine’s day is one of the rare occasions where hiromi is willing to indulge in materialistic temptations. since this will be your first of many together, hiromi wants to seal it in stone to make it more memorable. so he decides to visit a jeweler for something pretty to give you. however, that quickly proves to be much harder than he thought. hiromi never realized how many types of jewelry there are. necklaces, earrings, bracelets, pendants, anklets. the list goes on and on. don’t even get him started on what kind of gem to get you. pearls, crystals, beads, stones. at the end of the day, hiromi settles for something simple: thin matching sterling silver necklaces.

INO takes you out on a picnic. ino is a very humble and optimistic guy. he believes that as long as something is done right, its value is immeasurable no matter what, which is why he decides to go with something more simple and intimate. like a picnic! he knows it’s a risky choice. a lot of things could go wrong, like bad weather or a nearby hit-and-run, but he doesn’t let that deter him. ino triple checks the weather app before purchasing decorations for the picnic, like scented candles, a nice blanket, flowers, and more. he even orders a cute cake from the local bakery. something nanami himself suggested. 

he also buys you matching sonny angels. ino isn’t rich rich, but he doesn’t mind taking extra shifts at work to buy you something special. he knows about the existence of sonny angels. although ino is not as enthusiastic about them as most people, he understands the appeal. they’re cute, silly, and a little scary, and he enjoys the thrill of a good blind box, so when ino discovers sonny angel hippers, these ugly little things that can attach to your phone, he’s absolutely hooked. ino ends up buying a bunch of blind boxes for you to open together on valentine’s day, wanting to make sure that you two get the cutest combination possible. 

KASHIMO takes you to a carnival. kashimo is very excitable and loves a lively atmosphere. he’s not the kind of person to stress over quality food, fancy clothes, or the like. he just wants to have a good time with you. and you really can’t go wrong with carnival dates. everything about the carnival feels very casual to the point where you can be the most authentic version of yourself without having to worry about how you look or how much it costs. that’s what valentine’s day means to kashimo. there’s something nostalgic about them too, and being able to extend that feeling to you makes it all the more special for him.

he also buys you vinyl records and cds. kashimo knows how much you love music. even if you don’t own a record player, he insists on visiting the local music shop for vinyls to decorate your walls with. he just can’t help himself. with valentine’s day coming up, kashimo spends every single night refreshing the merch websites of your favorite artists, pleading to whatever gods are up there that they restock. when they do, kashimo is one of the first fifty people to order a limited edition cd you can play in your car. when he gets his hands on a signed copy, he knows he hit the jackpot. it does big numbers to his wallet but he couldn’t care less.

(masterlist) | (a/n: not proofread rip)

[dzpenumbra]

8/19/23

Alright I'm just gonna start this by saying... I'm really not pleased with how Instagram works. I don't know if its the design of it (algorithms)... if it's the fact that I don't use the app to interact with other peoples' shit that often... or that others don't use it the way that I do? Or a combination of the three? I don't know. But I really... ugh... I'm tired of blaming myself for something that's clearly not my fault.

You can't fucking say something "isn't a career", and then even remotely insinuate that you are required to devote at least an hour or two a day to merely just browsing fucking social media and commenting and shit... when that isn't even in your fucking job description. I'm just venting because I put up not just one... but two posts today. And so far? 3 fucking likes. I doubt people have even seen it. And for those who did, it's just another thing for them to scroll past. My more impressive piece... somehow has just gone completely unnoticed because I posted it first... and has gotten zero interaction. My deer drawing on my pants. My realistic deer drawing done in fabric ink on my cargo shorts, that I'm really proud of. Zero interactions.

Here, I will show you exactly what Instagram has deemed is just... not fucking worth even looking at.

It's so deeply demoralizing to be just... completely unseen. For years. For over a decade. It fucking sucks. (I swear, if I hear "you just need to put yourself out there" one more fucking time...)

I truly have believed for so long that like... the mark of a true career artist is not their skill, it's their passion and their perseverance. It's their ability to endure, because what the fuck else are they going to do?!

I don't want to go too deep down a rabbit hole of existential dread here, because yeah... This is really the reason I struggle to regularly post on social media. It's really like having a small gallery showing and inviting all your friends, and fucking one person shows up, looks at one painting for 5 seconds, says "I like the colors" and then "I have to go pick up my kid, keep up the good work!" I'm under no delusions here that I'm not going to get paid for that. I'm not going to be able to pay my rent on that. And I won't be able to put out a solid body of work if I reserve my art time for a few hours on the weekend. This deer took a total of close to 10 hours in 3 sessions. So... what took 3 days here... would take 3 fucking weeks if I was working some side gig. Try keeping up with Instagram's algorithm demands at that motherfucking pace. The deer isn't even the whole fucking piece, this is just the start.

So... I'm a bit upset. Did you notice? XD I guess just kinda frustrated that like... I spent my whole life working and training and I got really fucking good at something... and I'm incredibly inspired! And I'm working myself to the bone! And I don't even need compensation to keep me productive, I don't even need reception to keep me productive, because my inspiration flow is external and continuous. I just need to keep my arms in shape so I can work for more than a handful of hours at a time without burning out my arms and fingers. It's deeply deeply painful to put this much time and dedication into something that is... so all-encompassing to my purpose on this planet... and to get so many fucking genuine compliments of awe-struck people completely baffled that I, myself, with my own hands, created that from nothing. Reactions that people can't fucking fake, so I know they're real, I know I have talent. And this... all of this... means absolutely nothing. Because I can't pay rent with compliments. And my rent is through the roof. And I'm not willing to sell my soul. And my process does not work by trying to second-hand decipher someone else's inspiration, it works through direct connection to something beyond me. My own inspiration. That process is all I know, it's what I have trained for over 15 years.

I know very well... that if I spend the majority of my time behind a fucking desk or a counter or a stove somewhere just trying to keep the lights on... my connection with my inspiration will wane... and I will get physically sick... and I will feel completely detached from myself, lost, aimless, purposeless. I will dissociate, I will go into crisis mode. Just like I always do, every time I ignore art.

I literally tried to stop myself from going down this rabbithole and then just swan-dove down it anyway. XD

Welp, good thing we live in a society that is driven by popularity and wealth rather than skill, passion and integrity. It really seems to be doing a lot of good for us...

Okay, I promise I'm done. I just needed to get that out. I really don't want to dwell on that because I had a good day today, despite it raining all day.

I've been super hungry today... I woke up 4 hours into my sleep cycle, downed a heaping bowl of raisin bran and went back to sleep for another 2 hours... and somehow woke up starving. Depression, maybe? Not sure. Maybe my dinner last night was just much lighter than I thought. I started the day full-on consumed by the idea of reaching out to the friend who Facebook messaged me 2 years ago, whose message I just discovered last night. The friend that I drove 12+ hours and crashed on her pullout couch on my first time meeting her in person, who I used to play minecraft with back then. She has an Instagram that I discovered a few years back and she does really well-made cosplay stuff. Yeah. She's art-inclined. She was in school for Engineering when I met her. I have no idea how she makes it work, but she does it. And... I hope I'm not selfish for thinking this... but reconnecting with her could really change my life... because we already have some form of established relationship, and she could possibly help me find a place to fit my skills that will actually help pay the bills. Or hell, maybe even she herself needs an assistant, who knows? At very least, its rekindling a friendship from a decade ago.

I messaged her. Instagram does the whole... message request thing, so I could only send one. I wanted to send her a picture of the pristinely preserved poster that she gave to me when I visited her in her apartment when she was in college, that has been sitting in my acoustic guitar case ever since she gave it to me probably over 10 years ago at this point. I thought that would be the fucking coolest way to announce who was contacting her. But... I felt like sending an image as a first contact... if it wasn't an image that's shown... to a woman... yeah... Didn't want to risk getting screened there. So... I announced myself the boring way, told her I just saw her FB message (without saying "sorry", proud of myself for that) and said "tag, you're it". Still waiting to hear back from her, but it's Friday night so... yeah.

The other thing I decided to do spur of the moment? Contact the "former friend" who commissioned the logo design from me. Finally. Just... sending the text that I had prepared. Just pushing the green send icon. To tell him I'm not the right guy for the job. And I'll tell ya, it was not unlike doing a shove it when I was skateboarding the other day. I even said audibly to myself, "just jump forward". The advice I give to myself to get myself to land it when I do shove its. (I also didn't say sorry in this message, which was tremendously difficult and a very big accomplishment for someone who deeply struggles with a fawning response.) I got a huge shot of adrenaline when I sent that message. I haven't felt one like that in a while. But I just put my phone away and immediately went over and started to heat up my clothing iron to heat-set the paint on my pants.

I heat-set both the jeans and the hoodie. It took like... a minute, each. I was just like... "why the fuck did I stress about this so much?" XD I hope I did the right heat, I tried to follow the labels on the clothes. I hope I did the right time, the paint said 30 seconds... and I did a minute or more just to play it safe. I honestly have no way to tell if it's heat-set, I guess I'll have to find out the hard way.

That's what prompted the Instagram posts. Because my skating jeans and my shorts are going to have to go in the wash. My jeans because they're getting kinda nasty from me sweating in them and I need them for skating. My shorts with the deer on them because I need to test just how permanent these paint markers really are... Yep, that deer was a fucking test run. That wasn't even a finished piece. Imagine what a finished piece would look like...

So... I decided it would be wise to take some pictures of what I've been up to the past few weeks and share them. I did the shorts first, got a really nice photoshoot of them. I wrote a really well thought out description and added about 10 hashtags... not that it really seems to make a fucking difference... it's super rare that hashtags get me any new attention. I posted, then did the jeans and repeated the process.

The rest of my night was yoga, showering, prepping homemade salsa - which was very short on tomatoes, and the habanero that I got was really mild for some reason... so it did not come out nearly as good as was hoping... - then cooking dinner, eating and... here I am. Yep, that was my day. I didn't even draw anything today, unfortunately. I did take the trash out, that was good. But I did not end up doing laundry. The night just got away from me with all the prep and cooking and all that.

This kinda brings me to something I've been wanting to do before I end this journal project, it's been running through my head all day. One story that I haven't told. My side, at least. I'm sure I've told bits of the side effects, the traumas caused. Visiting Facebook last night brought it back, and I just really want to get it off my chest to prove to myself that it's really not as bad as I think. The quote my therapist and many others have thrown my way, that I seem to perpetually forget and remember over and over - "you were doing the best you could with what you knew at the time."

I was listening to a Don Quixote audiobook while I was making dinner tonight. At least... I was trying to. All I managed to get through in my over an hour of cooking was basically the life story of Miguel de Cervantes; translators notes, I think it was? I knew nothing about this story other than its legendary satirical status, and the iconography of a flamboyant and... I guess stupid?... knight who fought a windmill thinking it was a dragon or something. Thus... why I wanted to actually absorb the actual tales, because culture is important and I wanted to actually know the actual stories, not just second or third-hand recaps. Welp, with my extremely limited knowledge of Don Quixote, this was my personal story that I equate in my memory to that.

It was summer 2019, as a lot of my traumatic experience stories tend to date to... I was smoking a lot of weed back then, for the first time in over 10 years. It started as a way to make getting off of Xanax easier, and to help with sleep, then it sorta became more of a spiritual and creative tool, and eventually it just became something I did regularly as though it was tobacco, because almost all of my tobacco was mixed with weed. I stopped buying weed from dispensaries because my brother wouldn't go on trips to pick up with me anymore, and I really felt weird leaving my dog in the car while I waited in line for up to an hour, it really didn't feel right... and I didn't want to leave her alone at home while I drove for like a 3 hour trip just to get weed. It was a whole thing. So I ended up buying this absolute dogshit gutter weed from a guy I used to go to high school with, who lived up the road. He... yeah, you can form your own judgements on him in the next "scene".

So... he came over to my house and smoked with me on my porch, he brought his small dog with him too. My dog and his met, it was fine and uneventful. His dog was getting old. We smoked and I got pretty high, and I am just flat-out not experienced at all with being high around other people, much less around people I don't entirely know or trust. It is not a muscle I have flexed, and I get really freaked out. Well... I started freaking out a bit. Mostly because he was sitting on my porch telling me... my "parents were right" and I should give up this art dream and go get a "real job". While he was day-drinking on my porch and smoking with me. And that just sent me immediately into surreal "you are not safe" mode. Which... guess what? Was a correct reaction! That was not a healthy situation for me to be in, with someone calling their self my "friend", and yet again... placing judgement over what I do with my entire life... my career... based on zero knowledge or even interest in what I do, or what I plan on doing. Ignorance. And siding with my parents, knowing absolutely nothing about them or their perspective... that was nothing short of foolish.

I somehow managed to handle that anxiety attack. I came back from it and did not spiral. I don't think he even goddamn noticed. The conversation just moved on. I don't know if I confronted him, I very very likely did not. What ended up happening not long after ended up snapping me out of it anyway. His small dog, a Toto kinda dog but greyish white, rolled over onto his side and started yelping uncontrollably and grinding his ear into the concrete slab floor of the back porch. I was so insanely overwhelmed, and the dude just got up and treated it completely normally, like this is a regular thing. And started talking about how his dog had ear problems and he had no idea what it was and it was really "annoying" and shit like that. I remember he was talking about pulling like... really long strings out of his dog's ears and not knowing what was going on. And I was like... dude, I'm really high, don't talk about this in that kind of detail... XD It was really freaking me out. Also, go to a vet!!!

He ended up leaving not long after, his dog somewhat recovered enough to go home peacefully. The thought of ears stuck with me. What caused that? What made it come on so suddenly and so severely? Could I help him by figuring this out?

I'm not sure if I was experiencing it before, but I definitely experienced it after that incident with that dude's dog - I was having my ears pop constantly that summer. I really couldn't figure out why. Maybe humidity and pressure changes? Maybe because I just started to be hyper-aware of my eardrums and kept just compulsively trying to pop them... like when you're really high and you suddenly become aware of your breathing, and you have to like... manually breathe... and you get afraid that you might have "forgotten" how to automatically breathe, and if you stop manually breathing you might asphyxiate... Honestly, it was probably just one of those things. But I started to become hyper-aware of that all the time. And the big one... the one that sent me down the rabbit hole... I saw my dog, my retired service dog, my co-pilot, rubbing her ears a lot, and rubbing them on the carpet. That set me off.

I was never taught how to groom or care for a dog. Because my family did not take good care of their dogs, and were too prideful to ask for help or instruction, or go to a groomer. They still are to this day, it truly pains me to see it. When my dog died, I gifted her grooming tools to my mom and actually took the time to like... give her a little clinic on how to use them right there, on her dog - not asking if she knew how to use them, just going straight into showing, so she didn't feel ashamed. But I was never taught how to clean my girl's ears. And she has been very prone to ear infections since a young age. I had to learn how to clean her ears on my own, which is fuckin spooky when you have a German Shepherd and she starts grunting like she doesn't want you in there anymore. And, I hate to say, but in my deeper stages of depression and... what the fuck is the term for when a counseling center misdiagnoses you and puts you on trial runs of medications for conditions you don't have for 2 years while you're in an unfathomably toxic relationship, do they have a word for that? Well... in my deeper stages of that... I didn't take good care of my dog. And she formed a blood clot in her ear from scratching at it. And she had to get surgery for it. The surgery left a big scar and left one of her iconic pointy German Shepherd ears floppy for the rest of her life. I... still haven't forgiven myself for that, even though it really isn't fully my fault. But man, it still... the guilt. Yeah.

So... seeing my baby... rubbing her ears again... And feeling my own ears popping in sync with it... And feeling this eerie, spooky feeling like I was in a haunted house or a horror movie or something... and not being able to see any visible wax buildup or anything in her ears... It was too much. Nothing was making sense and I needed answers. And I started connecting dots to this video I had watched not long before by the YouTuber Adam Neely, who does music theory videos, he's really good. He did a video on infrasound, which... maybe you've heard of something called a "mosquito alarm" or something to that effect, it's a machine that makes an extremely high pitched sound that only young people can hear to deter them from loitering (aka to hurt their ears or upset them so much that they won't stay there). Infrasound would be the other side of the spectrum. Infrasound is very low frequency sound that is sometimes used in movies or... get this... haunted houses... because it is often imperceptible in our conscious listening, but we still process the sound... and it tends to produce a feeling of unease, and induce anxiety. In my scientific mind... it ticked all the boxes. I could explain away my ears popping as anxiety or hypervigilance, I could explain away my surreal, horror movie feeling as anxiety, but I couldn't explain my dog's reactions, or the other dude's dog's reactions either. And this, felt like it could explain all of it.

I remember that day, I went out to the stream at the edge of my yard. I was making a Zen Garden in the stream, I would go out there every day. I would sort through the gravel for beautiful stones, and I would make different shaped pools, and contour the stream, and dam and dry flooded areas, and make waterfalls. I even got to the point where I started trying to control the pitch of the waterfalls by making small pools where the water fell into, and adding or removing stones to alter the pitch. Then I tried to get the waterfalls to either be in tune, or harmonize. It was a really fucking cool idea that I really want to revisit someday. Anyway, I went to the stream, and went out to the pond edge of it to just kinda chill and reflect before the sun went down, and I looked out over the pond and what did I see? The new windmill they put up, on the far side of the small neighborhood directly across the pond. Pointed directly at me and spinning.

My gears started turning... I went... wait... do those things make sound? I mean... it's gotta make sound, it's like a giant fan... Do those make... infrasound? Go Google it for yourself. They absolutely do.

I started going into science mode. "I need evidence". I can't fucking test it, by like... asking the dude to turn it off or something, see if my dog feels a difference... I ended up finding an app that claimed it could record infrasound. Still don't know if it's legit, but... I did it. I recorded samples from my porch and yep, that thing was definitely showing infrasound readings clear as day.

This is where my embarrassment starts. Where the shame stuff starts. And the big thing carved in my head from therapy environments because of how lifechanging it was for me: trauma = shame. Shame hits people with PTSD different, from what I've seen and experienced. And at that phase of my life, I was much more concerned with safety and moving life forward, rather than letting fear of Judgement or Shame rule my life. Well, Judgement and Shame had other plans, and what ensued still haunts me to this day.

I drove over to my parents' house... I think the next afternoon. I walked in and insisted to talk to my mom. She refused to talk to me and started getting visibly angry with me, started yelling at me. I had multiple articles bookmarked on my phone, I had the recording, she did not want to see fucking any of it. She got mad and told me to leave her house immediately. I still don't understand that reaction, it had to be panic or trauma or something, it just makes no fucking sense to me. You see your adult child really scared, but just looking for a second opinion on what they've found before actually believing this theory. And you get angry and refuse to listen or look at what they found, and tell them to leave your property. Hindsight? Kind of a red flag...

I, lifelong PTSD-ridden as I am, naturally blamed myself. Yes, me going to my family for a second opinion was "clearly" an act of aggression. Yes, me seeking support in a time of crisis was "clearly" an imposition on them. Yes, me showing up at the house I grew up in unannounced was "clearly" uncalled for and invasive. What was I thinking?! You can tell a bit about my history given that these sentences were not sarcastic in my head at the time, I only shook this cult-like brainwashing very recently, within the past few years. I still struggle with it.

Now I was on my own. But I needed to do something. And my dog and cat were still at home alone. And that windmill was still spinning. And I needed to figure out what to do, what was even happening. So... I... went home. I passed a neighbor's kid on the way into my driveway, he had gone fishing by my house before, I offered his mom to give him guitar lessons if he wanted but they never followed up. They were cousins of the guy whose dog freaked out with the ear thing on my porch. I told the kid about the sound and asked if their dogs had any problems with their ears too. The dog thing? I figured dogs were more sensitive to sound than humans... I don't know, I was grasping for straws. I didn't really get much out of that, but in hindsight... it must've been weird for the kid to be flagged down and talked to about windmills and sound waves and shit. This kinda "tinfoil hat vibes" stuff pre-Covid was kiiiiinda embarrassing. (I mean, it's still embarrassing, it's just more people are publicly doing it now and it's getting oddly normalized.)

I ended up calling my vet that was around the corner. I pleaded with them to just tell me if this was a thing that other dogs in the area were dealing with, if there was a pattern. They told me... HIPPA. They fucking HIPPA'd me about general info whether there was a pattern of dog ear problems in the neighborhood. And I got a bit upset about that, I was legit just trying to gather scientific data. Honestly, this entire time... all I fucking needed was someone to fucking talk to. Someone to just make sense of what was going on and try to find some kind of answer, because it's one thing for me to suffer... I'm not going to sit here and do fucking nothing while my girl suffers. She doesn't deserve that.

Sounds like I'm still there. I'm absolutely reliving this right now. So... that's what led me to... Facebook. The last place I could think of. None of my "friends" would talk to me, they already lost their shit on me and peaced out because I asked them to show their support of my art/streaming career in a time of need. I was well and truly isolated. And I really needed someone to help me get perspective, to help - and I say this dead serious, I was literally saying it verbatim the whole time - to help prove me wrong. I was begging literally anyone to prove me wrong. Help me find a narrative that makes more sense than this, that has more evidence than this. From the very beginning, I did not want the windmill theory to be the truth. Because that meant I had to fucking move, and I had no plan whatsoever. And I was still detoxing off of meds and shit, I was in no condition to be moving. But I wasn't about to just sit in that haunted-ass house and watch my dog suffer every fucking day if there was something I could do about it.

I got off of Facebook in 2016 - meaning... my account was inactive. My ex and I got back on FB and posted a tiny bit when our relationship was doing okay. I used to fish back then, so I'd post fishing pictures and pictures in my garden and all that. But that stopped very quickly with how toxic the relationship was, and I never went back. Welp... I went back. And I posted about the windmill. And I wrote the most honest case I had. That this was my theory, this was the evidence I had found, can someone please prove me wrong? I don't remember if it was that day, or a later point... but I can actually hear in my head the dude who sold me weed saying on the phone to me "you really need to delete that post man, people are gonna think you're nuts". Or something, like he was "looking out for me". Again, little seeds planted along the way. I swear his fucking voice is like the embodiment of my anxious and self-destructive thoughts, like a fucking demon, man. What a dick.

I remember my former best friend in middle school commented on it. The first time I had heard from him in years, and the last time since. He commented something level-headed about how he would look into it and get back to me, and he didn't. That one still haunts me. Like... I'd really like to reconnect with him now that I'm a much more... complete person. Now that I actually know who I am. But I'm just so worried that he's going to look at me like some delusional nutjob.

It is so fucking hard to type when you hear what sounds like a bluefin tuna flopping on the floor above you. Especially when it's a sensitive topic, and it's 2AM. It makes me physically jump. If it continues happening past 3, I'm 100% calling the on-calls.

Anyway. Yeah. I did go back and delete that FB post. Pretty quickly. And I never went back to Facebook. All of my social contacts accumulated throughout my life were left behind because of a panicked attempt to keep my adopted animal daughters safe, and just try to understand what was happening around me. That moment was... what I equate to my solo-pandemic. It was the same exact feeling for me as the beginning of the pandemic, except it wasn't happening to anyone else and everyone around me was being aggressive insensitive assholes and telling me it wasn't real and I was crazy.

That night... was very bad. I'm not sure if I deleted the post the next day or that night... but I spent a huge chunk of the night just pacing around my apartment. Good lord, it's all flooding back, that night was so fucking cinematic I can't even put it into words. It would honestly make a good comic strip or short animation or something. But it would honestly just look like a garbled dream or something, like... it would be too strange for fiction. It would make too little sense and be too unbelievable to be presented in that medium.

It was past midnight. I had made it several hours of not having anyone talk to me, but it was just spiraling, I was completely alone, I had nothing but silence and space to think. And my dog kept fucking rubbing her ears. And I just hit a breaking point and said "I need to find a place to stay tonight that isn't here, I can't subject us to this anymore." I saw it this way... If it was physically affecting me and my dog? We were away from it for one night to see if it made a difference. If it was in my head? At least we were in a safe place, with "supportive people".

I got my dog ready, I got a small bag packed with essentials. But... I couldn't bring my cat. I couldn't get her to go into her crate. And that... I mean... it was fucking horrible, man. I was on my knees in the living room crying next to the crate because I had to leave my cat behind. This panic just kept pressing harder and harder like the house was on fire and I was just subjecting my pets to essentially low-grade torture being in that home. And the more I thought about it, the more I inflated that narrative and it kept feeling bigger and bigger and more imminent and more urgent. In the past, I would have been too ashamed to talk to anyone about any part of it, and I would have distracted myself with TV or video games and just let my pets suffer. Like a sociopath. Out of fear, out of shame. I was trying to overcome that. To not let Fear rule my life. And somehow... I put the steering wheel right back into Fear's hands, quite literally.

I left my cat behind. I took my dog out to my car. It was probably around 1 or 2AM. We got out to the car and, I shit you not, there was a fucking possum between us and the car. Big guy, hissing and everything. And Cer shockingly didn't bark. She was just like "what the fuck is that thing..." And it took off, luckily. I was already committed. I got her in the car and started driving. It was foggy. I was calling people, trying to find a place to stay. There weren't a lot of numbers to call. There was the number of a nurse that I knew at the retreat the consoling center sent me to, she seemed nice enough to potentially offer me a roof over my head. But she lived almost 2 hours away. There was a guy I used to live with for a very short period of time in the city, we tried to join a band, but he wasn't answering.

I drove to the dude who sold me weed's house since it was just up the road. I sat in his driveway for like... 2 minutes? I don't know if I called him or not, but I ended up leaving without even knocking. He gave me hell for it the next day because he had to go to work the next morning. At a gas station. You know, priorities... It's not like the entire thing was caused by him freaking me the fuck out, telling me my parents were right, telling me I was going crazy and yelling at me while I was high.

Then I went the only place left in driving distance. My parents' house. Yeah, I didn't have a lot of options. My younger brother, who I thought I was close with, lived in their house at the time. He hadn't taken over the garage that I used to live in yet. I parked in the driveway and left my car running. I called my mom's cell. Nothing. I called the landline. I could hear it ringing from the car. Nothing. I called at least 3 times. Mind you, this is the house that I grew up in since I was 11. My former bedroom there was still unused and had a fucking bed in it that was prepared to be used (and never was used) as a guest room. I... honked my horn. That was enough for a light to finally go on in the house. In my brother's bedroom. I don't remember if I called him or if he called me, but we were on the phone shortly after. I told him it was me. He was very clearly angry. Very obviously angry. And he said "you better not wake up mom and dad, they're going to be furious with you." ... Like I was a teenager or something. And I told him very fucking clearly, very articulately - "I am deeply scared and feel unsafe right now. I don't know what is going on and I just need a place that feels safe for the night that is not my house. If what I am afraid of is real? I need a safe place to stay. If I'm just freaking out? I need a safe place to stay. Please let me and my dog stay here tonight." He refused to let me into my family's home. He refused to hear anything more I had to say. He told me I was crazy, I was freaking out, I'm scaring people and I need to go home. And he fucking hung up on me and turned his lights off.

All he had to do was unlock the door and go back to sleep, and I'd leave a note saying "I stayed the night in my old room because I was alone and detoxing off of meds and deeply scared, and I just needed a place that felt safe for the night. I will leave without disturbing any of you in the morning. Signed, your son." But no. He hung up on me. And told me to go fucking home and go to sleep.

I left. I drove. It was like probably 3AM at this point. I connected with the nurse person, she helped me calm down a little bit. She was blown away at how my brother treated me, and she wished me good luck in finding a place to crash. I surprisingly got another call back that I took. It was from the guy I lived with and was trying to join a band with back in the day. I remember vividly as I was driving back on the road that led to my house... the phone cut out and I lost service, and I saw a fucking shooting star moving super slow across the sky in front of and above my car, going north. It was huge. Another surreal moment, it felt like... you know in books the illustrations at the beginning of chapters? I felt like the possum was one, and the shooting star was the other. And it started to snap me out of it a bit. I remember thinking of how cool it would be to find a meteorite, or to make jewelry out of one, or just to polish one as a precious object.

I got service back when I got back by my house. It was kind of a... crossroads. The kid on the phone said I could go and talk to his dad. His dad lived 15-20 minutes up the road. I had never met him before. Despite how me and this kid had a big falling out years later, that was a really thoughtful thing to do. To call his dad who I found out later he did not get along with... to wake him up... to say "my friend is freaking out and just needs someone to talk to and help him calm down and feel safe". That should really be a more normal thing to do... Weird that the kid himself didn't offer that considering we were supposed to be friends and he was already on the phone with me... but, I'm sure he had his reasons. So... I said "fuck it". And I drove to his dad's house.

I got there, I pulled in the driveway. It was awkward as fuck. I had my dog with me. I introduced myself. We sat on his porch and I told him a super condensed version of where I was at. I'm having weird ear popping shit and surreal feelings. My dog having ear problems, my "friend's" dog was having what looked like similar but worse problems. I didn't want my dog to end up like that. I had a theory it was infrasound, and that it might be coming from the windmill. I took a recording, here's the data. He looked at my phone like it was in Japanese for like 5 seconds and faked interest, then handed it back to me. He said the results were nonsense, that it doesn't mean anything. ... I... don't really know how he came to that conclusion... but yeah. Probably just acting confident to make the situation end quicker. And he just echoed the same shit the others said to me, just... in a less aggressive tone and with slightly more of an appearance of compassion. That I was being paranoid and this isn't a problem with the windmill, it's all in my head, I just need to go get some sleep.

After the way I had been treated so far that night, that was the kindest anyone had been to me. To tell me that this physical evidence of at very least a contributing factor (maybe the infrasound wasn't even coming from the windmill, maybe it was another source, who knows?) was "nonsense", and without any other credible connection... I guess GG? And I just resigned. I had no explanation, somehow less evidence than I started, and no theory at all about what was going on with my dog. He proposed "allergies", because... he had allergies and there was a lot of pollen that year. And I guess it was good enough for me. We said our goodbyes and I got my tired and confused pup back into the car and we headed home as dawn broke. I remember very clearly the color of the sky and fog rolling over the fields as I drove back home. Daylight definitely eased the fear.

Yeah. That was... that was a very defining moment in my life. A very small moment that came from just... normal everyday interactions... and then my trauma was set off... and I tried to be responsible and smart and use science and logic to provide security, to assuage the panic, to seek answers rather than jump to conclusions. I still feel like this was absolutely the correct way of handing that situation, over 4 years later. Then... in response to my trauma being set off... my healthy methods of addressing those trauma responses were met with... trauma. I was yelled at, threatened, gaslit. That fucked me up in ways that... I really struggle to put into words. It was like... that summer? It was like fucking They Live or something. I keep using the term "Twilight Zone" because it's the franchise like this I'm most familiar with that is the most similar. That summer was legit like one gigantic Twilight Zone marathon. Where I just woke up and every person in my life was suddenly just saying shit to me that made my jaw hit the floor in disbelief. "I just told you I'm having a panic attack... and I just need a place to crash where I feel safe... and you're telling me... to get over it and go home?" Like... Those moments, and that many in quick succession... it fucking rattled me in ways I am just now recovering from. It went right past anxiety and panic responses. I was straight up in shock. I wasn't angry. I wasn't scared. I wasn't nervous. I was completely and utterly in disbelief. I struggled to process how it was really happening, whether it was actually reality. I was looking at the equivalent of some 3000 ft tall octopus god that materialized out of the fog and my mind just... couldn't process what was happening. It was just... still. In disbelief. Shock. I really don't know how to articulate that feeling clearly. It really did feel like... "Lovecraftian", like the kind of horror that your brain and body just can't really process at all. It just short-circuits your brain and you just kinda... almost go catatonic for a bit there. Then you need a forklift to get your fucking jaw off the floor.

So yeah, not long after that I was seeking sanctuary of any kind. I didn't give a fuck about the windmill after that. I discovered the real threat. The real danger. It was under my nose the whole time. It was the reaction to my fear. It was how others around me would react to my anxiety and my trauma responses. My anxiety was never the problem, me not expressing my anxiety outwardly my entire life - instead internalizing and suffering great mental distress, fucking up my entire life and permanently physically damaging my body - that was never the problem. It was a symptom. It was a symptom of an environment where it was not safe to express fear. Where expressing your anxieties without zealous conviction of them being absolute truths, rather being inquisitive and seeking support to form educated, informed decisions... was viewed as... delusion? Somehow? Or... a threat? I legit do not understand it at all. But I have verified this in spades over the years since.

So... yeah. On one hand... I would do anything to go back in time and just never connect the dots between that dude's dog's ears and my dog's ears... and connect that to my feeling of surreality in that house... and connect that to infrasound. But, on the other hand... that cinematic journey... was probably one of the most important catastrophes of my life. Because it illuminated exactly how unhealthy not just my family was, but the other people around me as well. How damaging that environment was for someone who had been clinically diagnosed with PTSD for several years at that time, who was tapering off of medications alone, who no one would check in on despite living less than 5 minutes away from him, who no one believed in, who no one supported. It is very lonely out here, starting from scratch and being in a new city. But holy fuck, I feel so... so much more free. I feel safer being my authentic self.

Which really makes me dread... having to give that up. And I really do fear that giving up my art as my primary time/labor sink... will turn into me losing myself. To someone else's will, I guess. Or, like... I lose my agency in my life. Or like all of this was for nothing. Just because I was too scared to go out and meet the right people, or too scared to apply to galleries, or too scared to reach out to my old teachers or something. I don't feel like it's too late for that. I don't feel like it's time to give up yet.

I have come so far and sacrificed... nearly everything... to get where I am today. And there are really two things outside of material possessions that honestly... they're all a coin flip, I don't really care too much, very few are essentials... two things that I have left. My idea of who I am and what I want to do with my life. They're not that different, either.

But I'm not here to talk about my career, because that's a bit much for tonight, I've already stopped myself like 4 times before that fun campfire horror story.

There's a reflex that kicks on whenever I think about related jobs, or something to just pay the bills. It feels like giving up. It feels like turning into the people who treated me like shit, like I'm doing what they did. They all fucking gave up. Or never even tried. Taking the easier route and learning to love it. Yeah, I could be an artist... or I could just go be an artist's assistant or a teacher. And then do that for 10 years... and then go... "remember when I used to make art?" "Yeah, I still do it in my spare time, but man... I'm just so busy nowadays, who has the time?" Kinda like the way I treat video games nowadays, there just aren't enough hours in the day.

I could mentor or tutor. I could teach private lessons - art, music, art history, you name it. I could host events for intuitive and improvised drawing, teaching the meditative techniques that I've learned, the kinda occult shit you won't learn at the community college. Come by the studio, smoke a bowl if you want, maybe break out some wine, or meditate or do some breathwork first, get yourself in The Zone however you like to, and we're going to do some fun art experiments. I could read tarot. I could do art pieces on peoples' clothing, like tattoos. I could sell jewelry. I could sell carved staves, walking sticks, even carved and decorated wooden wind-chimes was one I really want to do. I can sell mini Zen Gardens, and cool little accessories for them, like hand-polished stones, or hand-made mini rakes. I could also finish my abstract series and submit it to a gallery, or submit my bird illustrations to a gallery as a series as well. I can paint peoples' grip tape. I can do all of these at the same time. All I need is to find people who are actually interested in paying for these things. And with that big of a menu, it's really hard for me to believe that I won't be able to pay rent. Like... if I charge $50 for a 3-card tarot reading (which is cheap)... I'd need like... 60 readings per month make a profit. That's an average of 2 per day, every day. I'm never going to get that many, I get that. But... with other forms of income added in? If I offer more comprehensive spreads for higher prices? If someone there wants to buy crystals or minerals from my display case, or a necklace or talisman or something? It could make up the difference. But I really think if I can find a way to do private one-on-one art/music lessons, group activities with a ticket fee, and tarot readings... I could stabilize on that. I think I could. All I really need is... to get connected socially. Because streaming and social media are very unkind to people who don't have built in social networks.

So... that's the next step. So today, I was in social "fuck it" mode. I reconnected with someone I know who, in my life, is the closest person I've ever met to a female Adam Savage. If we synergize, this could be life-changing. I'm planning on going to the nude model drawing session at the local art collective this week, and I'm planning to email the person who runs it to see if I could just meet up and talk about the local art scene, maybe before the session? Or after? Or another day? Just to make a one-on-one impression and get to know them.

So yeah. A lot is turning around and I'm very grateful for it. And I really want to say this before I go. Thank god for skateboarding. I had a lot of mental health tools in my pocket, skills on deck, ready to go. I just... didn't have a place to go to socialize with people similar to me that didn't cost fucking money. And... the skatepark is exactly that. It accepts all kinds. Skateboarding is the true American spirit - give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. We all just want to feel some wheels under our feet and push ourselves to take a leap of faith. And to feel the rewards of taking those leaps of faith, that rush of accomplishing something you previously didn't think you were capable of doing, that you battled over. That's what skating is all about. Now that I've gotten over my insecurity about being "bad"... mostly... I actually feel like... a local skater. People recognize me. I'm a regular. There's a place that people can expect to see me. And that's how things start. Skating helped me break through and get there. And it would've been much fucking easier if one motherfucking person would've gone with as support and just sat on the sidelines and watched. But hey, all's well that ends well.

It's late. I gotta turn in. If you stuck through to the end here? Thank you for reading this story. It's... not the happiest of tales. But let's consider it a cautionary tale. You never know what someone else is going through. My brain just kinda... ground to a halt here. Like I was going for some mic-drop ending and just kinda... sputtered out. Just... you never know when you might need a shoulder to cry on, or when you just suddenly feel like a scared 6 year old who had a horrific nightmare and just need someone to talk to about it, or someone to just silently pat you on the back for a few minutes, to help you feel a sense of comfort and safety in a world that can feel so infinite and empty and cold and mindless. You never know when you might need that. So... don't be afraid to offer it if you can, because you might be that person for someone else. That's what community is about, that's what friendship is about, that's what relationships are about. Give and take, mutually support each other. Compassion. That. That's really the most loving and kindest thing we could all do.

Good night!

[applejarjar]

Yall I'm losing my goddamn mind

I hate technology with every fiber of my being

OK so I've been refusing to update my phone out of spite because of the annoying ass update pop-ups that could just be a notification instead

But I finally updated and now I've been spending the past like 3 days either disabling or removing all the pointless shit they added

One of which was the stupid ass charging animation that happens when you plug your phone in to charge, and yet again, turning off one thing has fucked up some other completely unrelated function

I had to go into accessibility settings to turn off animations, which apparently makes it to where gifs on good ol tumblr. com no longer automatically load

It is no longer an option to have them always load or load when I'm on wifi, like I literally cannot switch to these settings

WHY

[heeseung-min]

Can you make a part two for this Niki fic?😭 Like maybe how jungwon tries to save her?

https://heeseung-min.tumblr.com/post/685956758480519168/helloooo-can-i-request-a-rich-yandere-ni-ki

[08:12]

A month.

You have gone missing for a month.

Nobody actually give care about it since you are not the important character at the school. The students and teachers just thought you stop to go to school.

But not Jungwon.

A day after your absent, he felt weird like something bad is happening. You didn't call him or even give him a message to let him know that you are okay.

He looked to Riki who were smiling at his phone and felt suspicious why the boy didn't feel worried about you. The said boy turned to him suddenly made Jungwon startled a bit.

"What are you looking for?"

"N-no-nothing."

Riki scoffed before went back to look at his phone. Jungwon also turned to focus at the front as the teacher already come in.

-------------------------------------------------------

"There's still no news about her, won?"

"No grandma, I had asked the police but they also didn't found any clue so they can't do any investigation."

"I miss the girl, won-ah."

"Me too, grandma."

Jungwon sighed when his grandmother went back to her room. Your presence bring happiness to both of them. His grandma literally treat you like her own daughter.

____________________________________________

"MMPPHH!!!"

You tried to escape from Riki's tight hold but too bad the boy was stronger than you. Riki sucked your skin until it shows bruise. He loves to see his marks on your soft skin. Your hands and legs has been cuffed to the bed made his task become easier.

"You know, there's no point trying to back away from this y/n. Nobody cares about you. You should realise at this point that only me can give you happiness."

Your tears slowly fell down the cheeks and Riki licked it without hesitation. He loves everything about you. Your body started to relax when you come to the conclusion that you can't have a normal life anymore.

"See, it's good thing to accept it baby. Now, let me leave some marks so you can remember who are you belong to, okay?"

____________________________________________

Riki left his phone on the table when he suddenly got urge to poop. He confidently did that since he knew that nobody will go to the class when it is recess time. But, that's where he had made a mistake. Jungwon quickly went inside when he saw Riki finally got out. He took the phone and tried to look for something but failed when he need to enter the password.

Jungwon didn't know why he feel that your birthday is the password but he did it and to his surprise, it's finally unlocked. It left him a really bad feeling. He accidentally press the gallery app and found out your pictures. Some of the pictures from far away and some of it were your face when you were sleeping. He looked at the details and found out the date of the pictures was few days ago.

Now, he confirmed the real culprit behind this was Riki. But, the problem right now is how can he save you from the boy? Jungwon exited the app and put the phone back on its place and went back to his seat like nothing happen. Riki who just got back from the toilet stared suspiciously at Jungwon but disregarded it when he couldn't point anything.

☆☆☆☆☆

"Fucking let me go!!!!"

Jungwon scaredly staring at the sight he saw which was you were getting dragged by three or four people into Riki's mansion. Riki just smirked at another of your tactic to run away again. Jungwon realised if he wanted to save you, he need to prepare a big plan.

He sighed to calm himself down when hearing your pleading to Riki. He promised to himself he will bring you out of there.

"Y/N, wake up!"

You whimpering at the sudden noise interrupting your nap. You woke up to find the sound just now was from Jungwon who was standing in front of you.

"Oh god, what happen to your body? Why there are so many bruises?"

"Jung-Jungwon, yo-you can't be here. Run away! Riki will kill you. Please, go!"

Although the urge to escape is still here inside you but you don't want to take any risk. Riki is powerful. He can do anything to destroy things he didn't like without getting arrested by the police.

"No, I won't do that. I promise myself to bring you out. I don't want you to suffer anymore."

Y/N has started crying at this point. She was glad Jungwon care about her but at the same time she's worried of his safety too.

Since Riki has some training at the school, he need to stay back and this made Jungwon be able to get to the mansion.

"Let's get out of here. Let's go to our home."

☆☆☆☆

"HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU LOST HER??!!"

Riki kicking the bodyguard without stop and using him to release his anger. When he back from practice, he expected to see you on the bed. Not to see the window is broken and his men were panic looking for you.

"You had one job. ONLY. ONE. JOB."

He finally stop kicking when his bodyguard become unconscious. He turned to the other men in front of him. The blood on his face and shoes made them became terrified.

"Go find her. NOW!!!"

____________________________________________

Two years later...

You now were living together with Jungwon and his grandmother at some rural area. Since you guys didn't want to get caught by Riki, all of you agreed to leave the city and live at the place that has small population because you thought Riki wouldn't know you will be here since most of the citizen are old folks.

Jungwon and you working together at the small bakery and has been working part time while studying a year ago. It was really tiring but now, you finished the school and one burden is gone. His grandmother will stay at home at wait for both of you patiently.

You also had become Jungwon's girlfriend and some of the neighbours will always tease you guys when they see you both together.

However, one day when you were running from getting chase by your boyfriend, you stopped at the front door where you saw the person who you really wish you don't want to see.

"Ri- riki..."

"Awh baby, you still remember me."

You looked to the person beside him who was terrified at the sight of Riki. Jungwon's grandmother.

"Do you know how much damage you had cost, Y/N? I killed many people just to look for you, baby. Don't you feel guilty about it?"

You were speechless. You couldn't speak. Riki was holding a gun and pointing it at the old woman. Jungwon who just arrived became shocked at sight too.

"Ah, the asshole is finally here."

"Stay away from my grandmother, Riki."

"If you want your old woman then give me my Y/N."

It become tense. You were wishing the neighbours are calling the police but thinking back, they must got threaten and decided to stay quiet and not to help you guys.

"Make your decision, Jungwon or your beloved grandmother would get shot on her head. You don't want that to happen,right?"

Jungwon couldn't decide. He doesn't want to lose you but he also doesn't want his grandmother to get shot. You looked at his eyes that has tears falling one by one. Riki watching the scene happily and smirked when he got the boy at his weakness. He turned to you and gave a signal for you to surrender.

"Let them go, Riki. I will go back to you."

"Y/n-"

"See! I know my baby is smart. Come here, I want to hug you."

You slowly walked to him ignoring Jungwon's pleading. You need to sacrifice yourself. Even though you hate it, you don't want your lover to suffer too. Jungwon couldn't help but to think he is so weak. When he saw Riki was smirking at him, he thought himself as weak person because he couldn't save you both.

Riki pulled you closer by the waist and smelled your neck. The scent is still same. He moaned slowly at the comfort you bring to him. After two years suffering and losing himself, he finally got you back.

"I love you so much, y/n and that's why they need to go."

You were confused at his words but then you heard two gun shots behind you. Your body started to shaking at the thought of Jungwon and his grandmother died.

You pushed yourself off Riki and turned to your back to see it and without realising you screamed histerically at the scene.

"You said you will not kill them!!! You fucker!!! I hate you so much!! Let me go!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh Fucking let me go!!!!"

Riki hold your hands to stop hitting him. He hold your jaw tightly while kissing your face. He smiled when you slowly giving up and leaned your body on him. He caressed your hair and left a peck on it.

"All people who touch you or see you...I will kill them. That's why the neighbours can't help you."

Riki carried your body and went inside the car. He had told his men to take care of the village and make sure it becomes abandoned place.

"You maybe smarter than me, y/n but you forgot that I'm always one step ahead from you."

Ayo🥺✋ that was tough to finish💀 aight i hope you guys enjoy this..please dont forget to eat and drink okay!

taglist💗: @stacey-stonem @duolingofanaccount

[kaijime]

picture perfect

includes. step-brother! hinata shoyo x f!reader

cw. step-cest, mentions of nudes, masturbation, blackmailing, toys [butt plug], fingering, use of pet name 'bunny', video recording, praise kink, vaginal penetration, creampie, theres a mirror?

wc. 2.1k

a/n. this is for @dilfhub's everything-cest collab, hope you like it!! also i might make a pt. 2 for this

hinata knows what you've been doing, the pictures you've been posting, and the videos you've been sharing for anyone to see, and he plans to use it for his own benefit.

tit started with atsumu showing him a picture of a girl online, 'some girl on onlyfans' he said, but as soon as hinata saw one picture, he was hooked on your body. he quickly asked atsumu for a link to your account because he couldn't get enough of you from just a few pictures.

that night when he finally arrived to his room he was eager to follow the link atsumu had sent him. he paid for the exclusive photos and delved into them.

the most recent one was a picture of a girl's body, posing in front of the mirror, a pastel pink bralette and thin, lacy panties adorned her figure. he could swear he recognized that phone case from somewhere, but he brushed it off as a casualty.

but as he scrolled through the gallery, he kept recognizing things from the background. a jewelry box, the bed sheets, some shoes on the floor.

and then it clicked in his mind.

your jewelry box, the one he'd seen you open thousands of times when he still lived in your parent's house. your bed sheets, he remembers the day you bought them, claiming this color would match your room aesthetic. your shoes, the one's he specifically remembered you wearing for your family reunion.

it was too specific to be a coincidence, but you wouldn't do this kind of thing, right? when he still lived in the house, you never seemed like that type of girl. you never invited any boys over, and you never wore such revealing clothes like the ones you wear in these pictures.

he's scrolled too far, and every single picture he's seen has only driven him to his position right now, cock in his hand, stroking himself to you. he didn't care if it was you anymore, he needs relief after seeing your body with those different poses, different underwear that made his mind run wild with thoughts of making you his.

but his hand around his cock isn't enough to satisfy him. now that he's convinced you took those photos of yourself, he only wants to be buried between your legs, he wants to see how much of his cock you can take before whining and pawing at his chest, moaning that its too much for you to handle.

as soon as he pictures you sprawled out on the bed beneath him, panting his name as he ruts into you, he's a goner. he cums quickly, thick ropes of his cum falling on his stomach and dripping down his toned body.

he makes a reminder to confront you about it the next time he sees you, which is conveniently right now as he stands in front of your bedroom door. now, he's not sure if he really wants to do this. what kind of step-brother would he be if he blackmailed his pretty little step-sister?

after spending the whole day with his family, he decides to stay at his old childhood house for the night, and the only thing he can think about is how pretty you'd look wearing the pretty lingerie set you wore in the last picture you posted. he knocks on the door once, twice, until he grows tired of waiting and opens the door, surprised to find out it was unlocked.

he doesn't know what he was expecting when he decided to open the door, but he certainly wasn't expecting to see you posing in front of the body length mirror, a frilly pair of panties adorning your hip and a lacy bra that barely covers anything. even though you're posing in the mirror, there are still other props sitting unused on your bed, bunny ears and a butt plug with a little fluff at the end, a bunny tail.

he stands on the door frame, not daring to move an inch as you stumble to cover yourself with a blanket. despite not moving much, he closes the door behind him and locks it, leaving you with a confused, blushing face.

you can practically feel your heart beating out of your chest in anticipation, waiting for his next move, too embarrassed to say anything yourself.

"you're beautiful" he mutters under his breath before slowly approaching you, caressing your arm and coaxing you to take off the blanket that covered you.

"what are you doing? y-you shouldn't-"

"i know what you were doing" he says, pulling the sheets from your hands and throwing you over his shoulder. he throws you on the bed and towers over you, reaching his hand over to find the bunny ears.

"were you planning on wearing these?" he asks, when he really thinks about it, you would look nice as his little bunny. he puts the ears on your head and runs his hand over your cheek, soft skin trembling under his touch. he could tell you were scared, yet you didn't put up a fight. "they'd look very nice on you"

he reaches over again, fidgeting with the little butt plug between his fingers. "you gonna take another picture in them?" he asks.

"wh-what are you talking about?" you ask, acting innocent to his accusations.

"don't lie to me" he says, flipping you over so you're laying on your knees, your flimsy panties doing little to cover up the skin of your ass, completely exposed to him.

"i-i don't-"

"c'mon, i've already seen all of your photos" he says, a warm blush creeping into your cheeks.

he knows.

you can't do anything but keen at his words, bucking your hips back towards him where he rubbed the plug against your puckered hole. "i've seen you" he continues "in your cute little lingerie" he runs his hands up and down your body, pressing at the curve of your ass. he just can't believe you're finally like this, laid beneath him just how he imagined. "you looked so pretty, i knew i had to make you mine when i saw you like that"

"we can't" you protest, trying your best to slap his hands away from your body, but instead he takes both of your wrists in one of his hands, using his free hand to insert a finger into your ass. he works you open slowly, thrusting one of his knuckles to fuck into you until you're ready to take the metal plug.

you mutter curses under your breath when he pulls his fingers away, only to be replaced with the hard metal as he pushes it in. "ah!" you exclaim, gasping when its finally all inside and he pets the fluffy tail.

"good girl" he praises while he toys with the tail. when he's done admiring your ass, he slides your panties to the side and runs his fingers through your folds.

"you got so wet from me playing with your ass?" he asks teasingly. "my little bunny"

the pet name makes you drip down your thighs and he notices, he can see that your hole is drooling with your essence, eager to be filled to the brim, and who was he to leave you all high and dry?

"don't play with me shoyo" you whine, squirming and struggling to get his hands off of you, feeble attempts to make him stop.

"i'll play with you all i want" he says "unless you want me to show them what a little slut they have as a daughter"

he's blackmailing you. you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, nothing to do except do whatever he wants. you shouldn't have posted those stupid pictures, and you curse to yourself for getting involved in such a stupid cashgrab.

"no..." you shift your hips closer to him, grinding against him in hopes it would change his mind.

he knew you'd cave in as soon as he threatened you, but he didn't expect you to be so receptive. when you grind your wet panties against his clothed cock, how can you expect him to hold back?

"god, you're gorgeous" he sighs, the feeling of your wetness on his fingers excites him, drives his crazy as he sucks on his fingers, reveling in your lovely taste.

he inserts two of his fingers into your clenching hole, imagining it was his cock instead. he grows harder by the minute, biting his lip to hold back his want for you, and he swears he could cum on the spot when you moan his name.

"shoyo, please!" you whine when he curls his fingers to hit that perfect spot that left your legs weak, barely able to keep you kneeling properly on the bed. "'m gonna cum" you warn him.

"not yet" he says, releasing your hands and spanking your ass, then he lightly pulls on the plug buried between your cheeks.

"fuck! p-please let me cum!" your pleas fall to deaf ears, he's focused on getting your phone from the nigh stand and pulling out the camera app. he starts recording you, zooming in the camera in on the sight of your drooling hole, and capturing all your noises in the video.

"cum, bunny" he orders. you don't hesitate to let go of the built up pleasure, cumming around his digits and coating them with your slick juices.

"f"-fuck!" you say between sobs, tears streaming down your dainty face as he takes his fingers out. he pulls them apart, showing off the string of juices that cling to his fingertips to the camera.

he stops the recording and grabs your hips, rough calloused hands leaving dark marks that would probably be visible tomorrow.

"did you like that?" you can't even reply, still lost in your own pleasure and clenching onto the sheets. you're so buried in your mind, you don't even notice him taking his cock out of his pants and positioning it to your entrance. he covers it in your slick, using it as lubricant to slide into you.

he fills you up perfectly, leaving you gasping for air when you feel the head of his cock pressing against your cervix. you're stretched out beyond your limit, cursing under your breath at the burn he sends throughout your whole body.

shuddering under his grip, he starts his pace, rutting his hips into you at slow pace. he treats you so carefully, as if you might break if he makes a wrong move. you're a porcelain doll for him, a porcelain doll that clenches around his cock deliciously every time he hits your sweet spot.

"doing so good for me, bunny" that nickname again, it drove you crazy.

you pant and bury your face deeper into the pillow, trying to suppress you moans from him. you didn't want to give him the benefit of your moans, but he makes it so hard when he angles his thrusts to hit your g-spot over and over, prompting more and more sounds for him to drink in.

"taking me so well in your little hole" he keeps praising "this greedy pussy was made just for me" he pulls you closer with a hand to your tummy and drags it lower, low enough to roll small circles to your clit. you can't help but buck your hips against him, driving him insane with the way your little tail jiggled every time he thrusted into you.

he grips one of your cheeks with his hands, spreading you open to get a better view of the little plug, pushed neatly into your tiny hole.

"sh-sho- fuck! 'm cumming, 'm cumming!" you exclaim, your walls pulling him deeper into your cunt.

he almost cums along with you, but he remembers to take your phone and start recording again, capturing your hole as it clenches around his cock in the frame.

a few curses and he's lost in the pleasure, barely conscious enough to hold the phone correctly as he spills everything inside your tight hole. he records your trembling figure, and he puts the phone closer to your cunt, focusing in on the sight of him pulling out his cock and his cum seeping down your thighs, oozing out of your little hole as you pant and drool all over the picture.

the last scene he captures with the camera is the one of him pulling you up, positioning your body to have you kneeling on the bed, facing the mirror. he records your fucked out body, struggling to stay up and look towards the mirror.

its a sight enough to make anyone cum. its a sight enough to make atsumu cum as he sits in his bed, imagining its his cum that drips down your legs and makes a lovely puddle of slick on the bed. he sits in disbelief as he watches the next video, because he recognizes the red head that kneels behind the fucked out girl, caressing the skin of her hips lovingly.

he definitely has to talk to shoyo when he's back from his trip.

© kaijime 2021 | all content belongs to kaijime, do not modify or repost

[wonderful-wells-writing]

Fanclub; Chapter 1

EoWells x Reader

Some of the STAR Labs employees have a secret fanclub where they discuss Harrison Wells and share pictures they take when they think he isn't looking. Problem is it's not quite as secret as they think it is. The man himself seems to have taken an interest in the the little group, finding it to be the perfect place to find willing partners to satisfy his needs. And you're his next pick.

Work is dying down for the evening at STAR Labs. Chemists are checking that all the storage units are set to the proper temperatures. Engineers are making sure that everything that needs to be powered down is. Lab techs are cleaning up their stations. But nearly everybody is discussing their plans for the weekend.

There is one worker who is not engaging in such conversations. You are currently crammed between two sections of machinery, determined to get this wiring finished before leaving for the day. That way, Monday, bright and early your team can start doing test runs.

You are not engaging in conversation with others but rather are talking to yourself as you work. “Some red over here, blue wire over there.” Your grin would light up the room if anybody could see it. “I just love when a color-coded array comes together.” There’s a buzz on your right butt-cheek, and you squeal in surprise.

“Everything alright in there?” One of the other scientists looks up from the desk.

“Yeah, Bri,” you extract yourself from the machine parts. “My phone just went off, and I thought something shocked me.”

“Girl, I can not tell you how often that happens to me,” Bri takes her purse from a drawer and a jacket off the chair. “So, what are your plans for the weekend. More number crunching?”

You pull your phone from your back pocket. “Actually my college roommate is having a bachelorette party tonight. So I said I would swing by the bar for a bit.”

“Sounds fun,” Bri gives a wave before heading to the door. “Don’t party too hard.”

She returns the wave before opening a group chat app on her phone to see what the notification is about.

KittyCat42; O.M.G did you see Dr. Wells today? a shirt THAT tight can not be workplace appropriate!!!

Attached is a photo taken from a smartphone at an angle in which the subject does not seem to be aware their picture is being taken. Dr. Harrison Wells is leaning over a desk, examining something on a monitor. Kitty is right; his shirt is very tight, his biceps bulge through the long black sleeves.

You grin, considering sending a reply, but another message comes in first.

YummyBitch73; Think he’s got plans? Looking that good, he’s got to be going out tonight.

Your thumbs move across the screen to type a quick response.

BabyDoll14; Maybe he has a date tonight?

KittyCat42; wonder who the lucky girl is?

You lean against a nearby workbench, smirking at the screen.

---

On the other side of the lab, somebody picks up their phone to check the barrage of notifications coming in. They chuckle before adding their own two cents.

Speedy22: Hey, who knows, it could be a lucky guy.

YummyBitch73: Oh you wish, he is a lady killer through and through

BabyDoll14: I mean, who are we to judge if it’s a lucky lady or gent. Maybe he swings one way, maybe he swings both ways. Who cares, we’re just here to talk about his ass behind his back.

“Speedy’ nods, almost respecting the woman on the other side of the screen for staying objective about objectifying her boss.

Speedy22: Speaking of ass, I got this one yesterday

He opens his gallery and scrolls until an ‘appropriate picture is found. A nice shot of Dr. Wells from behind; the quality is incredible for a smartphone shot. The man’s shirt is riding up, showing a nice strip of the skin of his back, even a bit of where his boxers rise above the waistband of his hands.

YummyBitch73: Damn Speedy, you always get the good ones. You’ll have to teach me some photography lessons sometime.

KittyCat42: what kind of camera are you using? The quality is so gooooood.

“Hey,” a woman’s voice draws his attention away from his device. “Are you staying late again tonight?”

Harrison Wells takes a breath to look her up and down, mentally running through his mind all the employees to try and remember who it is at his office door. “I’ll be headed out soon; I just have to wrap some things up.”

He recalls who she is when he sees the look she’s giving him. Brianna Masters, a specialist working down in Lab C. She would have had to go out of her way to get to his office before leaving. Self-proclaimed president of the Dr. Wells Fanclub, he had just been interacting with the group chat of; after the former president left with a job offer at Mercury Labs. She had been making goo-goo eyes at him since her interview three months ago.

“Well,” Bri twirls a curl of her hair, fluttering her eyelashes. “Harrison, you know I was wondering if you might like to take me out to get some drinks tonight?”

Dr. Wells tries to hide his displeasure at the thought. She wasn’t his type, physically, mentally, emotionally, “I have plans in the morning that require a clear head. Miss. Masters. Now is there anything of importance that you need?” The man was not adverse to flights of fancy to pass the time; he wouldn’t be keeping an eye on the little Fanclub of his if he wasn’t willing to look for ‘interested parties,’ but this particular woman has been of no real interest to him.

For reasons such as how she pouts at his response, “Well, having fun is important.” She mutters before wandering off down the hall, turning her attention to her phone.

YummyBitch73; holy Shit! He just asked me out for drinks. It sucks so much that I have to drive out to Coast City; I”d have taken him up in a heartbeat otherwise.

----

Back in Lab C, you finally finish with the maintenance on the machine. You check your phone once more while heading over to the desk and nearly cackle at what you’re reading. Everybody knows that Bri is full of shit, but there’s no point in calling it out and causing discourse.

You mute the phone to focus on your computer. While humming a quiet tune, you work on moving files to the USB stick plugged into the monitor.

“Fuck,” you whisper, seeing the download time in comparison to the clock on the screen. Of course, you could just leave it be, take the weekend off. It’s not like you get paid extra to run calculations at home.

17 minutes later

“Nonononono, wait, please!” You’re half running to the street as the bus pulls away, leaving you in the illuminated circle of a streetlamp, cursing yourself. That was going to be the last bus coming this way for the night. If you walk home, you’ll never make it in time to change for the party. You might not even make the event at all. You pace up and down the sidewalk, contemplating your options.

A car pulls up beside you, tinted window rolling down, “Need a lift?”

You stop, shocked, “Oh, no I…” you pause, looking through the window, “Dr. Wells, hi...hey.” You swallow your pride. “I would really love to get a ride on-with, with you.” Internally you cringe at how that came out, but figure he probably wouldn’t have heard such a minor slip.

The lock clicks open, and you reach for the door.

“Maple Apartments on South 11th street, right?” Harrison glances at you as you get in the car.

You pause before shutting the door, “do I want to know how you know that?”

He laughs, and you jump a bit at it, “I can see how that would sound a little suspicious.” His smile is reassuring, and his blue eyes are kind behind his glasses. “It was on your registration forms when you started. I enter new employee data myself. Total recall can be useful even for small matters.”

You breathe a sigh of relief, shutting the door and buckling in. “I really appreciate this Dr. Wells, I would have been so late tonight if I didn’t get home to change soon.”

“Bit plans tonight?” Harrison asks as he starts driving. Truth is he had suspected you’d be missing her bus. He had seen you running after the last bus or driven past you walking home numerous times out his way out. You had quite the habit of working until the absolute last moment.

You smile, twiddling your thumbs to keep your hands occupied. “Yeah, I’m meeting a friend at the new bar that opened down the street from my place. She’s getting married soon, and since I can’t make the wedding, I promised I would spend at least a couple hours at her bachelorette party.” You aren’t exactly sure why you’re volunteering this information to your boss. It would be inappropriate to be so casual with him; then again, it’s also inappropriate to be part of a Fanclub that secretly takes pictures of him and talks about how great his ass looks.

Harrison ‘hmms’ in thought. “Why can’t you make it to the wedding?” He glances at you out of the corner of his eye, taking a moment to take in the way you sit, act, look, before returning his eyes to the road.

“Oh, they scheduled it for a Wednesday, so,” you look towards him just moments after he looks away. The first thing you notice is his hair; whenever you’ve seen him in the morning, it’s perfectly combed and straight, but it seems like as the day went on, it began to take on a life of its own. While the back is still nice and neat, the front is sticking out in all kinds of directions.

“You could have asked for the day off,” Dr. Wells offers, “Am I such a terrible boss that you think I”d deny you some vacation after all your hard work?”

You feel a heat rise to your cheeks at what seems to be a compliment to her work ethic, “Oh no, I don’t think that at all. It’s just that, well, we have so much work to do. Every day we get a little closer to your dreams of the particle accelerator, and I want to contribute absolutely everything I can to that dream.” You smile. “You’re going to do such incredible things for the world of science Dr. Wells, and I don’t want to waste any time that could be spent helping you.”

The man is somewhat stunned by this. He’d attributed her long hours and determination to personal ambition. “What about you? Do you want history to remember you for your achievements?”

You bite your lower lip in thought at the question, “I mean sure, it would be nice to be recognized for my contribution, but,” she takes a deep breath, “I’m more concerned about how my work will impact the world, not so much if I’m remembered for it. Anyways you’re the true genius. I can tell that STAR Labs will make big changes and put humanity on a path towards the future. As long as I get to be a part of that, it’s all I really need.”

Harrison does a low chuckle at your sentiment, amused by the naivety. You speak with such hope and wonder and admiration. If you knew the truth, how horrified would you be? The realization of the end goal of the particle accelerator, the effects across history that your determination would wreak.

He grins, “Well, I am glad to have such a dedicated employee, but I do believe that one off day is not going to hurt our progress.”

You purse your lips, “You don’t come down to Lab C very often; you’d be surprised how off the rails things can go when I’m not there. Anyways I would rather work than go to a wedding. It’s not my kind of scene.”

He can sense that you are holding something back but doesn’t press the issue any further. He’s reached your apartment building anyways.

“If you change your mind, I’ll be more than happy to give you the time off,” he says as he parks.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” you reach for the door handle, “oh, and thank you so much for the ride. I really owe you one.”

Dr. Wells makes a mental note about cashing in that favor later. “You just stay safe and enjoy yourself tonight.” He smiles warmly at you as you wave goodbye, but when the door shuts, his grin turns a bit darker. He watches you walk away, eyes tracing the curve of your figure, resting on the beautiful shape of your rear, right up until you disappear into your building.

As he begins to drive away, he catches sight of himself in the rearview mirror. There is something about this form of his that seems to drive the ladies crazy, and he wasn’t opposed to taking advantage of that. While pulling back into the street and driving away, he thinks on his situation.

For 13 years now, Eobard Thawne has been trapped in this god-forsaken time period. For a while, he had focused solely on his mission, rarely interacting with others unless it served a greater purpose. But he was still a man, subject to desire. At first, it was almost enough to make him regret allowing Harrison Well’s wife to die, she could have filled his needs easily. But that woman had been intelligent; she’d have discovered his identity eventually, so allowing her to die had been for the best.

Still, after a few years of isolation, Thawne had found the need unbearable and began seeing ways to fill the hole that was forming in his chest. Little flings, one-off nights where he indulged his carnal side, allowed himself the pleasure of another’s body before quickly parting ways with them, when he discovered that a fanclub devoted to him had been formed amongst his employees, that made the whole thing easier.

Joining the group chat under a false name was easy enough. It inflated his ego every time he read them discussing how great they thought he looked, and he was more than happy to provide material for them to gush over. And with that, it was like he had been given a list of women who would fuck him with no questions asked. All he had to do was choose. Of course, he has to be wary of those who might get too clingy or go off telling other people. But it’s not that hard to week those types out of the pack.

Thawne notices magenta neon as he’s driving. A club with a grand opening sign out front. He smiles, knowing that now not only does he have a new prey lure in, but the perfect hunting ground as well.

[smallrainclouds]

Made To Break

Yandere!Hypnos x reader (gender neutral)

Word count: 5k

Warning: Yandere bevaiour, dubcon/noncon, sex in later parts

No beta. Read at your own risk.

A/N: part one of two. Enjoy.

Your father was a fool.

But perhaps You were just as foolish.

💮

When the letter arrived, you couldn't believe that the same man wrote it.

Your father always wrote in neat, tight letters but the letters You got were loopy, large letters that fused together at odd parts.

You sat in your car outside your childhood home. The front yard was nothing but overgrown grass now. You could see the lack of care the home had gotten over the years in the cracks and chipped off paint. The overcast skies and trees with just a few leaves holding on only added to the depressing picture.

You bit your lip as you pulled out your father's letter from your bag.

With shaky hands, you unfolded it again for what must have been hundreds of times.

'My dearest child.

I gave it all up. I have found a way to eternity. But it cost me everything.

Forgive me.

I just wanted to see your mother again.

Father.'

"Madness. Simply mad." You murmured. You could feel the tears welled up in your eyes, you knew your father loved your mom. Her loss had slowly eaten him alive since you were a child.

Now he was just a body in a hospital room. It was unlike any coma the doctors had seen before.

The doctor, an older woman with short gray hair and sharp blue eyes, had felt more like a grandmother than a doctor.

But even with her kind face couldn't soften the blow that your father will likely never wake up again.

You sniffed as you used your hoodie sleeve to rub at your eyes.

"Okay. Okay. You got this. This was your home too." You tried to smooth yourself with little success. With a deep breath for courage, you made your way to the house.

When you got inside the dark house, you stubbed your foot on the piles of books by the door and they promptly fell over into a heap.

"Urg, fuc-owww. Okay, Y/N great start.Just amazing." You pulled out your phone. You could make the numerous texts from your partner-no, now your ex but you just bypass those for the flashlight.

You shone the light around, there was nothing but a big mess. Books and papers had overtaken the house and you can smell the old fast food bags that piled into the corner.

You could see on one wall, writing in wasn't in English and strange markings. A single gold and red eye stared back.

"Fuck."

💮

Hours later, you had made headway in the madness that was now your childhood home.

At least your room had been mostly spared. Only some odd books here and there. And the many, many dried poppies on your floor.

You tossed the broom on the floor as you flop down along with it. You didn't realize how bad it had gotten. You only got your room back to normal, let alone the rest of the house.

Guilt swelled in your chest, you should have been more aware. You knew your dad wasn't the most stable person which isn't good but this was something else.

But…

But...

You had been busy dealing with your 'friends' group, the breakup and the last of your exams.

You covered your face, you already cried three times today and you weren't not about to start again.

Your phone buzzed, and you couldn't stop the laugh. Speak of the devil.

You rolled over to your side and pulled your phone close to you.

You swipe away the message, you were not dealing with any of your former friends right now. Your cheating jerk of an ex could keep them all. You had far more important matters to attend to now.

You opened up the gallery app, you took many photos as you could with the last of the daylight left.

You zoomed in on the writing, you had thought it was nonsense at first but after a few more looks,you could see the repeated words. You just didn't know the language.

There was something deeply wrong in this house. You could swear you could feel something was in there with you. But if friend or foe you weren't sure. You tried not to think about how your only protection was your childhood baseball bat.

But what did your dad do? You normally are able to pick apart what your dad was doing but this was something else unknown. You kept checking the pictures with the creepy red and gold eye in hope of finding something.

Slowly you could feel tiredness sinking in your bones, and before you knew it, your eyes drifted shut.

💮

A warm hand cupped your cheek, and you pressed into it with a sigh. You couldn't remember the last time you were touched so tenderly. You think for a moment it was your ex but they never did that before.

The hand left but then you were lifted up against a warm chest. You heard murmurs as sleep pulled you under again.

💮

Rushing water reached your ears and for a moment, you thought you could hear the sounds of birds.

It took you a moment to notice that you weren't in normal clothes but a tunic that went over one shoulder. You saw a brooch with two wings in its place. You should be more worried but you felt too tired to care.

You turned your head with a yawn. Whose lap were You using as a pillow? Before you could look, a hand covered your eyes.

"Not yet, You still need more time." A man's voice... but You didn't recognize it. You made a questioning sound but he hushed you gently.

"Blood and darkness, you are just as beautiful as I remember."

You reached up and stroked his hand, trying to understand what was going on.

"I don't remember… you." You slurred quietly.

"I know. It's not your fault. All it matters is that I found you again."

His thumb rubbed your cheek, "Now go back to sleep. I will be there soon."

You sighed as you sunk back into sleep.

💮

You stared at your bedroom wall, not able to breathe. There was someone else here and they apparently tucked you in bed, blanket pulled up to your chin and all.

You took a breath and tried to listen to any sounds. You waited, surely you would hear footsteps or something.

But there were no sounds, none at all.

It took all of your nerves to get out of bed. You grabbed your childhood baseball bat, it was small but you could still get a good hit in.

You remembered you left your phone on the ground and turned to look for it. It wasn't there, not on your nightstand or desk.

'Great, some creep definitely got my phone.' you tighten your hold on the bat, and after listening for a moment, you slowly push the door opened.

Without saying a word, you slowly walked out though the house. You were sure you would find out who invited themselves in.

The mess was still the same, the writing on the wall was still there. You went through the house twice and found nothing.

You heard the sound of a single bird singing in the backyard. You followed the sounds, it almost felt like it was calling you.

The bat dropped from your hand and You couldn't stop the tears in your eyes.

The backyard had been overtaken by red poppies, there was almost no grass left. the singing stopped when you stepped outside. But a soft hoot had You stared up into the tree and saw a single little owl stared back at you.

It's eyes were light yellow.

💮

It was late morning now, the overcast skies have darkened and You are sure it will start snowing soon.

You had given up finding your phone. You s out of your bedroom.

"Fine, you can have it! Good luck guessing the password, you jerk!" You shouted into the backyard. There was no response but you didn't expect one. You had already tried to find the owl but it must have flown off.

You couldn't stand the smell of the old food anymore and tossed it. You found some tea that was still good and stood in the kitchen, waiting for the water to boil.

You changed out your tight jeans and hoodie for a pair of much more comfortable jeans and an oversize sweater.

Thankfully, like your bedroom, the kitchen was also mostly clean. You found as many candles as you could, which wasn't many. Two kept the kitchen dimly lit.

You checked the light bulbs, nearly all of them had burned out. Just one more thing for you to fix.

You rubbed your face with a sigh, at least all the appliances were working. And you won't have to go without water either.

You flipped through your dad's notebooks in hopes of finding something. It was in the second notebook you finally found a name. It had been underlined and circled.

"Hypnos?" You murmured, "Who the hell is that?" It doesn't sound like a human name you heard of.

You made your tea, tucked the notebook under your arm. After cleaning off the big armchair and side table, You began going through the books in the living room. Nearly all of them were about ancient Greece, which you knew nothing about.

Your eyes went to the wall writings, that would explain why you didn't know any of the words.

Did your dad believe this stuff? You looked down at the open notebook in your lap. You skim some of the pages, the only name that came up was Hypnos.

"The god of sleep, huh?" You looked at the stacks of books. Why would your dad care about some god of sleep?

You keep looking though, and found a basic guide to Greek mythology. You flipped through the pages, "Come on Hypnos babe, where are you…"

You grinned when you saw the name in bold print. You skim past most of the information, but one part caught your eyes.

Despite being considered as a gentle and kind god, he has been known to strike others down. In the death of his lover by a human warrior (whose name had been lost to time) he had caused the world to go into a permanent state of sleep, never to waken again.

Only his mother Nyx, goddess of night, was able to talk him down or fight him depending on the storyteller and restore the world. In oral storytelling that has been recorded, it is said that he still uses dreams in hope of finding his lost love.

"Oh dad. No wonder." Your heart twisted, sad that your dad's last days have been spent on some myth. He must have been so far gone to think any of it was real.

But was he wrong? You stared out the window, knowing there was somehow a field of poppies waiting.

Your gut flipped, and told yourself it was just one of those freakish nature things.

💮

You didn't quite realize when you fell asleep. You sighed when you felt a hand touch your forehead followed by a kiss.

You tried to wake up, but the voice murmured something and you just hummed. Your eyelids are too heavy to open anyway.

When the arms scooped you again, you just sighed and curled against the chest.

💮

You felt soft grass tickle your face. You pushed yourself up quickly. You were in the tunic again and you could see a sea of poppies and other flowers surrounding you.

A thick fog of sleepiness tried to pull you back but you ignored it. Not again, damnit.

You stood up, your legs felt so wobbly like a baby deer. Dispise your best attempt, You fell on your knees, the call to sleep overpowering.

You gasped when a hand covered your eyes. You grabbed his wrist, "No, I don't want to go back to sleep." You could feel the fog of sleep growing stronger. You kicked at his legs but got nothing but air.

"I'm sorry, but not yet." His voice came next to your ear, you could feel his breath on your skin. You tried to move away but you fell against him. Your head lolled upward against a shoulder.

An arm wrapped around your waist and held you firm.

"Soon, I promise. I just have to handle a few more things. I will be here when you wake up." A kiss was pressed against your temple.

You wanted demand for answers but you were already falling back into the darkness.

💮

"Not again." You moaned. You sat up, the blanket pooled in your lap. What in the world was going on?

You were back in the oversize sweater and jeans. You press your fingers against your temple. Those kisses felt so real.

Are you going mad too? Just like your dad? You gulped, feeling so very alone.

An hour later and some crying, You somehow found the willpower to make it out of bed. Snow was falling down now and a healthy inch was already on the ground.

You made it to the living room when you saw him by the window, snow falling down against the glass. His sheer size made the living room seem smaller. He was reading one of your dad's notebooks in one hand, a quill floated around next to him.

Some part of you, deep inside of you knew were looking at Hypnos, God of sleep.

"It's you." Your voice cracked. His shoulders tensed up as he turned. Bright, yellow eyes stared at you. "Oh you were the owl too weren't you?" You said numbly.

He nodded slowly, "You've been crying again." He said concerned, his eyes scanned you up and down. He tossed the notebook to the side as he took a step toward you.

Unable to tear your eyes away, you grabbed for the first thing you could reach, a thick and heavy book. And with all of your strength, you launched it at his head.

"Blood and darkness!" He ducked to the side. You reached for another and hurled it.

"It's you!" You snarled, feeling like a rabid animal. "You did this! What did you do to my dad?! To my fucking phone?!"

The bastard ducked again. "Hey, I didn't do anything he didn't ask for!" He held up his palms, stretched out to show he wasn't a threat.

"I won't hurt you. I would never lay a finger on you, Y/N." His voice was soft, kind like he was dealing with some animal.

You stared for a moment, rage overtaking any sense you had. "You've been the asshole putting me to bed every night." You grabbed another book and hurled it. "How dare you!"

And of course, he sidestepped the book. Which just made you angier.

"I don't care if you're a god. Make my dad go back to normal. Or I will find a way to hurt you somehow!"

"He didn't tell you anything did he?" The god asked, a wry smile on his face. You picked up another book, and he just sighed. "Have you tried aiming? Sounds crazy, I know but maybe you could actually hit me this time?"

"You don't get to be disparaging, not with all the trouble you made for me." You gestured with the book as if it would help make your point.

You stood behind the armchair, using it as a shield. You knew you wouldn't win in a physical fight but you weren't going to make it easy for him.

Hypnos sighed, "No, no you're right. I'm sorry." He ran a hand through his curls, a soft smile on his face.

"I'm happy though, you are still as courageous as you always have been. I wasn't sure what I would find after all this time."

"What are you talking about? I have never seen you before. I think I would remember meeting an ancient god." You snarled, not enjoying whatever game the god was playing with you.

"Most people don't try to fight a god with books, my love. Not even other gods." Hypnos smiled.

"If I had something stronger, I would beat you with that. Be happy that I don't have my bat on me. You still didn't answer anything."

You pointed at the wall with writings. "I want answers and I want them now. You said we met before, when?"

Hypnos was silent, his eyes tracing the words on the wall. He stepped closer to the center of the wall, his fingers traced the words. "So that's where he messed up. I told him to check with me before doing anything." He murmured to himself.

After a moment, he looked at you.

"In your past life, you were going to be my consort. I've been looking for you for a very long time.."

You stared, quiet in your disbelief. He waved a hand toward the wall, "Problem is that the spell got messed up. I think your father was rushing and couldn't finish the spell the proper way. That's why you don't remember anything."

You shook your head, laughing "No, none of this makes sense."

"Y/N, stop hiding behind that ugly chair, and we can talk more about what happened." Hypnos' voice tried to sound calming, but you heard an undercurrent of eagerness. Of hunger to it.

You shook your head, "No, and don't take another step toward me. I can see what you're doing. That lighting thing your fingers are doing, Hypnos." You tighten your grip on the book, cursing yourself for leaving your bat up your bedroom. Not that it would be much better.

Hypnos' fingers abruptly stopped the magic spell. His smile faded and his eyes stayed on you, waiting for your next move.

You eyed him, you haven't been able to land a single hit on him but you didn't see any signs of super speed yet.

You might be able to get out of the house and into the car before he could get you. But what if he just could teleport or something you haven't thought of?

It was a risk you would have to take because since you saw him, he watched you like you were some prey for him and you didn't want to stick around to find out what Hypnos had planned.

The living room front way will be no good but the backdoor was in the kitchen, if you could make that, it would be a longer run but you would have far more chances for escape…

You dropped everything and took off like a shot into the kitchen. You almost sailed into the sink but used the motion for more speed.

You heard Hypnos yelled your name followed by something you were sure was a swear word in Greek.

The yard, full of poppies and snow greeted you, you hissed as your socks got soaked from the snow.

You almost made it to the gate, and past that, you could see your car.

Freedom.

You didn't see the root sticking out of the ground, but you saw it on the way down.

The breath knocked out of you when you slammed into the cold ground and mere seconds afterwards, you felt hands on your shoulders followed by a pressure against your back. Hypnos leaned down, his lips against your ear, and he spoke in must have been Greek.

"No. Nonono." You gasped, fighting for breath but he just shushed you. His fingers brushed against your cheeks almost lovingly.

Your eyelids slided shut.

💮

When you woke up, your fingers were curled against an unfamiliar red blanket. You sighed as your eyes drifted shut, you couldn't remember the last time you felt so….warm and safe.

You heard the sounds of paper moving around and your eyes fluttered open.

Hypnos must have cleared off the sofa and placed you there. You could see the written wall behind him, post-it notes dotted between the words and some of them were covered with lined paper, new words on it.

Hypnos was sitting on the ground, notebooks and paper surrounded him. A quill tip between his teeth, his golden eyes almost glowed in the dim lighting.

It took a moment of staring but you noticed Hypnos's cloak was gone. Your fingers tighten when you realize you were under his cloak. You took a moment to look at him as he kept reading the notebook

While he wasn't the broadest person you've ever seen, there was a solidness to him. You could see the lean muscles in his arms and shoulders. The gold bands he wore only highlighted the muscles.

You tore your eyes away. 'Jerk.' you thought even as your cheeks warmed.

"I don't like you very much." You spoke, voice rough with sleep.

Hypnos looked up to you, not saying anything. He took out the quill and twilled it between his fingers.

You rolled your eyes at him, unmoving your spot under his cloak. He stared, looking thoughtful for a second before he leaned toward you with a wide smile on his lips, "If you don't like me then you should return my cloak."

"No, it's mine now." The words slipped out your mouth before you knew it.

You blinked at his laugh. You thought he would be upset.

Hypnos chuckled fondly, "Word for word."

At your questioning look, he continued.

"You don't remember yet but the first time we met, you were trying to find medicine for humans. I think you were upset at me because you got lost in my cave. I brought you back home and I gave you my cloak so you could get warm."

You sat up against the arm rest, holding on to the cloak. Not ready to give up the feeling of safety yet. You bit your lip, not quite sure what to say.

His eyes glazed over, the quill still spinning between his fingers. His voice turned quiet. "You were so beautiful, so strong, so determined. You fought for humanity, not that they even remember, those worthless animals, the whole lot."

He seemed lost in a memory so you just waited it out, letting him talk.

"You hated the fact I took half of their lives away from them. And that I often took more."

His eyes meet yours, and his whole face softens. You flushed at the realization that you could make him do that, to have that much power over another being let alone a god.

"I couldn't give up the half, it was mine by birthright but I was slower afterward, let them have more time to themselves. And I never took more than half. The only reason I got called a kind god was because of you."

You stood up, still holding on the cloak and walked over to him. His eyes never left you, and you had to tell yourself to ignore the butterflies in your stomach.

You kneeled next to him and after a second, you reached out to touch his shoulder. You were surprised at how warm he was, how human-like he felt. Maybe you were wrong about him.

"Hypnos. I-I I'm sorry you lost them. I can hear how much you love them, especially after all this time. But I am not whoever you think I-"

"How much I love you." Hypnos interrupted, his hand covered your own. "I never stopped looking for you. I just need more time to fix this." He waved a hand to the wall.

You shook your head, "I am not then though. You are just like my dad, always looking for a person who isn't there."

"No, your father was. The woman who birthed you died and is in the underworld now. You, however, are here in front of me." Hypnos leaned closer, he tightened his hold but it wasn't painful, it was almost comforting. "You are them, your eyes, your lips, your nose even the way you move and talk. You are them, given life again."

"How?!" You said despairing,surely even he could see what nonsense he was saying? "How could a god become reborn as a human? Or even go back to being a god?"

"There are ways. There is always a way." Hypnos replied darkly. He took your other hand and held them between his own warm hands. "You haven't even let me talk to you, to tell you what happened."

"I don't want to." You whispered, "I don't need to know what happened. I just want to know what it will take for you to understand that I am not them."

Hypnos didn't say anything for a few minutes and the silence grew heavy.

"Did he summon you?" You asked, trying not to feel guilty, looking at the swirls of words on the wall, in the middle of the circle was a single red and gold eye staring back.

Hypnos stared at the wall along with you, "He really didn't tell you anything did he?"

You dug out the letter from your front pocket. "This was the last thing he wrote to me. This isn't his normal writing."

Hypnos read the letter, his eyebrows rose and reread it again. "Blood and darkness, what a damn fool."

"Hey, that's my dad you know." You murmured, "Also you guys are both doing the same thing, you with me, and he with my mom."

"No, not nearly the same thing." Hypnos scoffed. You rolled your eyes at his words. You moved on, tired of this fight for now.

"Where did dad get this information anyway?" You asked.

Hypnos sighed as he rubbed his forehead. "From me. I loaned out the books I have for this kind of stuff. He told me that he could handle the translation since it had to be a two person spell, think of it as a bridge, your dad could visit your mom every time he dreamt. But I had to be on the other side to help build it."

"You trusted him? I mean you seem like you don't like humans."

"I didn't. This whole mess just proved my point. But…" Hypnos shrugged, "I knew you wouldn't let me just take you without making sure your dad wasn't alone. I wanted you to want to come back to me, especially after everything I've done."

You brushed your fingers along the cloak, "Are you talking about when you put the whole world to sleep?"

"And most of the gods." Hypnos added. "I still don't remember much of what I did. My mother or brother still hasn't spoken to me since then."

Hypnos looked so worn down, his brow furrowed and you wanted to smooth the stress away from him but you held back. You already let him touch you even if it made you want to run. Toward him or away from him you couldn't say.

"I've been so blinded by the thought of having you in my arms again, I didn't foresee him going rogue on me." He murmured quietly.

Hypnos fixed his gaze on you, but you looked away, cursing the flush on your cheeks.

"I took care of the stuff he wouldn't have been able to do. With the underworld and stuff. But he fucked up, he changed the spell without telling me. And he did it badly. He tried to bring her from the underworld and you can't do that, and now he has to deal with the punishment."

"Well, can't you just erase it? Or do a new spell? I mean, you are a god right? Do you even need this stuff?"

Hypnos slid his fingers under your chin, making you look at him. "Listen to me." His serious tone kept you from pulling away. "No one can't take the dead from the underworld. Not me, not Hades or even my mother. It's the cost of life. Right now, he is being punished for his pride and when he does die, there is a good chance he won't be able to find your mother."

You swallow, your heart breaking, "Is there nothing you can do?"

"I don't know." Hypnos said. "I was already putting my neck on the line just to let them have a link."

"What if I agree to go with you, to see if I am the one you are looking for? I will do whatever you need me to." You asked.

Hypnos didn't respond, his eyes glazed.

"Hypnos, please." You begged, "I can't just let him die like this-"

He spoke finally, "I will talk to Persephone. I can't promise anything. I'm still banned from the house after the 'Great Sleep'."

"Thank you! Thank you, Hypnos." You felt dizzy with relief and hugged him. You squeezed him, and buried your face in his neck. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet." Hypnos chuckled, his hands on your back,"You might not like what you'll get."

[softluci]

hello yes can i just say i l o v e d your gen z hcs and may i acquire more

for starters, i am not religious, but i am PRAYING you don’t think i was ignoring your ask. i’ve been thinking about it since i got it, it’s just that i’m a college student with worms for brains, so hopefully you understand. this is something that i’ve had on my mind for a long time [i’ve been at this on and off for months], and it most definitely can be associated with/attributed to gen z. 

for a fleeting, wonderful period of time, there was a trend on tiktok that went, “buss it, buss it…” are you familiar? 

that should be enough of a summary, right? ah—for future reference, “o7” is like a saluting emote, for anyone who might not know. reader is g/n as usual, enjoy!

[a/n: so because this is so long, this part is going to be, like, the lore, and then the actual headcanons will be right here]

trendy 

the two things most corrosive to the human spirit are easily named—capitalism and boredom. while it would be easier and less taxing to explain the former, the latter was the problem at hand. it’s not that there was nothing to do in the devildom—quite the opposite, actually—it was just that you wanted some time to yourself every now and again. the trouble with trying to take time for yourself in a completely new location, the residents of which are always enamored with you in one way or another, is that there isn’t anything to do. the house was full of adventures for you to take—the trap door under the rug in the library, the other trap door under the dining room table, the small door behind the couch in the living room, and whatever other poorly hidden doors your seven roommates thought you didn’t know about. 

trouble was, you didn’t want to leave your room. you, intelligent creature that you are, knew that the chances of you running into mammon or satan or beel or asmo were all too high, and even higher were the chances of you agreeing to spend time with them if they asked, and you knew they would. what were you to do? 

you stared at your ceiling from your bed, d.d.d. resting on your stomach as you let your mind wander. your d.d.d. was full of things for you to do, the devildom’s ethernet at your fingertips, but you weren’t interested in finding new things right now. you wanted something familiar, like—like your phone. 

what was the point of lucifer taking your phone, anyway? it’s not like you could use it—being here rendered it a useless brick of glass and metal, so it wouldn’t have been a big deal if you still had it. it was funny, though, that you couldn’t use your actual phone when it was still possible to access the human internet from down here. 

at least, you assumed so. 

how else would levi be able to keep up with his human idols, get tickets for their shows—the works, you know? luckily, you were fully capable of asking. 

d.d.d. now in your hand, you rolled onto your stomach and found your messages with levi, nails clacking against the glass as you tried to reach him.

hey, you texted, can you help me with something?

his reply came faster than you expected: ?? what do you need 

how do i access human websites and apps, you asked, rolling onto your side. you know how to, right?

lololol, it’s not possible :p

a grunt, more aggravated than you’d care to admit, escaped from the back of your throat.

don’t lie. 

a few minutes passed with no response, and you wondered if you were too harsh. 

“he’s a sensitive guy,” you mumbled, inhaling deeply. “i probably came on too strong or something.” 

just as you started typing out an apology and a, “forget i ever said anything,” you got a response. 

a vpn and a proxy site. 

a smile crept onto your face as air came out of your nose, the closest thing to a laugh you could muster. 

can you set it up for me? 

after another few minutes of no response, you sit up, wondering how you could’ve possibly fucked up a second time, your d.d.d. buzzed. 

levi sent you a file and a link, with a host of instructions. 

click on the file and it’ll take you to the vpn you need to download. don’t worry about bugs or anything, i made it myself. 

you let out a low whistle, flopping onto your back once more. 

“this guy gets up to more than i thought,” you said, eyebrows raised. “someone get this man some physical affection.” 

you continued to read, growing more fond of him with each sentence.

once you install it, pick the country whose network you want access to. from there, you’ll have a list of that country’s most used applications available for you. again, don’t worry about bugs. 

what’s the link for? you asked, excitement getting the better of you. 

for when you download internet applications. it’s added security, paste the link in before you search anything or you’ll trigger the firewall alarm. 

you blinked. 

you’ll trigger the what? 

i’ll trigger the fucking What? 

levi’s response was the fastest one yet: the Fucking Firewall Alarm. barbatos’ design. he has no idea i know how to bypass it. just do what i said. don’t try to solve any potential issues on your own, come to me for everything.

roger that o7, you replied, thanks levi ^_^

yeah, yeah. come to my room for a hxh binge tomorrow night.

you snorted. what a fucking nerd—in the greatest way possible. 

of course bestie :] ily

ily2 normie -_- 

in his room, unbeknownst to you, levi felt like he made a mistake of some kind. it’s not that he didn’t trust you, it’s just that you had a tendency to end up in undesirable situations, even if it wasn’t always on purpose. he was probably just worried over nothing, or so he tried to tell himself, but whatever. this isn’t even about him.

you sat up once more, this time leaning against your pillows as you started setting everything up. everything went so quickly that you barely wondered if all of this—subverting hell’s firewall, personally designed by a man eerily similar to a 2D crush from when you were in middle school—was worth accessing a few silly apps from the human world. 

a few minutes later, your d.d.d. now a much, much cooler copy of your phone, any and all thoughts of regret and hesitation were absent from your mind. 

your first order of business on your upgraded d.d.d. was logging into your tiktok account, however surprising it was that you even remembered the password. you put your headphones in and adjusted your volume, going back into the dumpster fire that is your for-you page with open arms. 

after around half an hour of stifled laughter and small, offended gasps from being targeted by the algorithm, you came across a rare dancing video. the person on your screen was in casual clothes, making minor, silly dance movements as the music dwindled, only for them to drop into a squat in time with the music, suddenly dolled up. you shot forward, taken aback by their transformation and by their dancing post beat drop. did you watch it on a loop for a few minutes? well, that’s nobody’s business but yours. you clicked on the sound in hopes of finding similar videos, and much to your relief, there were plenty. about ten videos in, a smile still on your face, you got an idea. 

you slipped your headphones out, arbitrarily looking around your room, before whispering to yourself, “i could—i could do that. i could totally do that.” 

and you were right. you had nice clothes and makeup from various shopping occasions with asmo. your room had led strips, courtesy of levi ordering the wrong ones and being so kind as to give them to you. you could do it. 

levi was the only person you’d spoken to since you retreated to your room a few hours ago, and the lights have been off the entire time, which meant that if you worked quietly enough, everyone else had reason enough to assume you were asleep. good! how could you possibly explain what you were doing getting all dolled up at, like, 11:00 on a wednesday night? you couldn’t, even a little bit—not in a way that convinced anyone, anyway. 

come midnight, you were sitting cross legged on your bed, watching your final product. not to be vain or anything, but you were looking very respectfully at yourself. since when could you move like that, anyway? the wonders of being alone, you supposed. 

you didn’t post it publicly, electing to save it as a draft just so it would save to your d.d.d. maybe you’d post it once you were back in the human world, when your friends wouldn’t swarm your comments asking where the fuck you were. 

yeah, lucifer told you, “everything was taken care of,” but regardless of whether or not you believed him, you knew it wasn’t a good idea to risk finding out if he missed something. 

boredom creeping up on you again, you elected to go through the messages on your d.d.d. it would be better to make yourself laugh before you were fully bored again, right? you stood up and stretched, opening the group text with the adults. luke doesn’t know about it; he thinks the one with everyone is the main one, and everyone lets him think that so he feels included. 

walking around your room in small circles, you scrolled up to the older conversations and read through them, rolling your eyes and chuckling to yourself. very rarely did they talk about anything of importance. it was mostly diavolo, barbatos, and simeon making quips and jokes at lucifer’s expense for everyone to see. it was gold in its purest form. 

you contemplated sending one of the many cursed things sitting in your camera roll, just to keep them on their toes, but just after opening your gallery, you resigned not to, figuring it would be best to leave him alone. 

you stretched again, the hold on your d.d.d. a bit looser this time. it nearly slipped out of your hands, but you caught it, tossing it onto your bed. as soon as you resigned to start getting ready for bed, you turned back around and picked it up. 

there was no rhyme or reason to your actions; if someone in that moment were to ask you why you did it, you would’ve said, “just ‘cause.”

human intuition is a wonderful thing.

your d.d.d. was still on, still open to the group chat. you’d sent something, evidently a second ago, as indicated by the time stamp. the thumbnail was of you, in casual clothing—the casual clothing you were wearing before you got dolled up, actually. huh. 

huh. 

the weight of your mistake came crashing down on you in full force, a chill sinking into your skin and running up your spine.

you were suddenly acutely aware of the concept of time, how it was of the essence and you had absolutely none to waste.

what were you to do? it wouldn’t be long before your favorite person saw it. you had to do something. 

you could say nothing. you could tell the truth and say it was an accident and that you were embarrassed, but that was even worse than saying nothing because it meant you were set to be the target of teasing you didn’t even wanna try to imagine. you could say it was an accident and be confident about it, telling them, “enjoy!” but that was a dangerous game to play, and you knew it. 

well, i do admire you for taking time to think, but, unfortunately, there was a checkmark next to your message. oh, a number as well—eleven. you just can’t catch a break. what were they all doing up at this time, anyway? it was a school night🤨. 

[intynidad]

Hihi! I just found your blog so is it alright if I request for Leona, and Malleus (not poly) for an MC in which their phone (from their world) is filled with idol pictures and they think that idol used to be their s/o? Its okay for you to decline this one if its too much of a hassle ^w^

IN THIS SHOP WE SIMP FOR PRETTY BOYS 

BRING MY CAULDRON WE NEED TO MAKE SOME RISSU GIGGLES FOR ANON!

OPPA!

the start

-did you finish it?- you said bouncing your leg

-almost ready y/n-san!- say the ortho while holding a little screwdriver 

you may be wondering what is happening...well you were cleaning a couple of stuff in your dorm when Grimm knocked over a big box, that box has all the things that you had on yourself when you came to twisted wonderland

from the pocket of your jacket your phone bounce through the floor landing at your feet, the screen was broken since you arrived at twisted wonderland and even if you tried to turn it on it never worked and only did a weird buzzing sound

you mentioned one day while walking around campus with ortho and the little boy eyes light up saying that he could see and try to fix it and that’s how you ended up in ignyhide, your heart going crazy at the thought of having your phone back 

-I DID IT!- the little shourd said with excitement

you took your phone and give ortho the biggest hug 

after touching it for some time you discovered that the messages, calls, and most social media didn’t  work (probably for the fact that you were yeeted into another dimension) but your music apps and your camera roll was perfect, you were so excited that you wanted to show it to all your friends and you knew exactly with who start 

Leona Kingscholar

-Oi, what do you want herbivore-

you woke up the savanaclaw dorm leader from one of his countless naps just for geek over a phone ??

Leona was kinda annoyed and sincerely he wasn’t paying attention until he saw your lock screen.

Was that a boy?

he snatched the little device from your hands and looked at the person on your screen 

....who the hell was that guy?

-oh? HE IS JIMIN HE IS MY OPPA!- you said with dreamy eyes Leona started to bowser through your camera gallery and that boy was at least half of it.

shit, he never really did a move because he thought that you already like him, do you like this kind of guys better?

his dark skin and messy hair was nothing like this dude from your world

has he been too subtle while courting you?

-what did he did-Leona say

-eh, what do you mean?- you said with confused eyes

-what did this person do to gain you-he didn't show it but he was kinda angry

-oh! well he dances so well and I love his voice plus I think he is super cute- your eyes light up again

fantastic, not he only loses the throne but now he loses his little herbivore to some random boy, so what if he can dance or if his voice is good. Leona could give you a crown and a life full of luxuries with only moving a finger

-the first time I saw him live I was screaming so hard that my throat hurt for a week-

wait, what???? live???? the hell???

-and when he and the rest of the group performed “blood, sweat, and tears” my soul left my body-

-the rest of the group????- does his herbivore has their own harem????

-oh yea! well, he is part of this cool band called BTS they are 7 members and-

a band…. this boy was part of a fucking band….

now he just feels stupid, he thought that he was your boyfriend goddamit herbivore you give him a good scare

-and then we have Jungkook he is a vocalist aND AHH- you suddenly were surrounded by strong arms and tackled to the floor.

-le-Leona! what are you-

-shhh herbivore I'm tired of hearing you talk about another man, and for making me waste my time you will be my personal pillow now-

Leona was actually happy that you were only talking about a boy-band and not a lover, he put his nose on your neck and inhaled your scent...he is gonna make you pay for the scare you give him

maybe a couple naps with him or maybe giving him your heart is a good payback 

Malleus Draconia

the heir of the valley of thrones was waiting on the rooftop of ramshackle dorm for one of the most amazing creatures he had the luck to meet 

-Tsunotaro!-

and there there are 

-well hello child of man-

there was the little magicless human with their cheerful smile waving at him without a care in the world

even tho they discovered his true identity they still called him by the almost childish nickname and oh how he loves it

-look what I got, malleus!- the tall fae teleported behind them and saw the little device they had in hand

-Oya, a cellphone?-

-is my phone from my world-they looked at him in the eyes without a single bit of fear-i have so many things to show you!-

they passed the time looking at some of the songs you used to listen to, pictures of food of your world even a photo of you when you were just a toddler

malleus couldn’t help to imagine that his kids would  look like a tiny version of both of you

it made his heart flutter

until he saw a certain photo…

-child of man...who is this person?-

the same face was in at least half of your gallery...who is this man?

-oh?-you looked at the picture malleus was showing you- That's Jimin! he is my Oppa and I'm a full stan of him!!!-

stan?????? Oppa???? what????

this was one of those “slags” that Lilia told him?

you said you were his “stan”... so...oh dear, you just say that you are his.

he feels like a fool, did he misunderstood your kindness?

of course, you have a lover, somebody as amazing as you should have a million of them in your world but why did you choose this “Oppa”???, in particular

-ehh,tsunotaro are you ok?- you waved your hand past his face

malleus stood up and shook your hand-a I'm sorry for the inconvenience child of man, please tell this boy my congratulations for successfully courting you, I wish both of you the best- he said with a melancholic face

-what???-you looked at him with a confused face-lover?-

-yes, sorry for not congratulate you before as I was unaware that you were the partner of this man-

-he is not my lover, he is part of BTS-

-BTS? is that the name of his kingdom, or maybe is the name of your homeland?-

-NONONONONON is none, BTS is the name of their band-

-a band?-

-yes, look I have some fancams in my phone of their dances!- you say while excitedly playing the video-

ah, so he really misunderstood the situation, so this boy is like sir schoenheit!

he felt relieved so  he didn't lose the battle for your heart but he now understood that he should start to make “moves” on you 

after all, He does not want that his little fantasy of having a heir that looked like his adored  beasty would stay as  just a fantasy

Reblogs really appreciated

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Tech trustbusting's moment has arrived

When it's railroading time, you get railroads.

When the railroads turn into the personal satrapies of rail-barons, you get trustbusters.

A couple decades ago, it was online service time. We had the users, the telcoms systems, the computers, the modems, so we got platforms.

We had that, but we lacked something important: effective antimonopoly enforcement. Lax merger laws allowed companies with access to capital markets to buy out or neutralize all their competitors, so we got monopolies.

Right on schedule, we're getting digital trustbusters.

Now, some people aren't technically sophisticated, but they do understand a lot about competition law. That's how you get meat-and-taters antitrust proposals like Amy Klobuchar's CALERA, which address the structural problems with antitrust law.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/02/06/calera/#fuck-bork

Klobuchar's bill is hugely important. The reason we have monopolies is that we stopped enforcing anti-monopoly law 40 years ago. Monopoly isn't a tech problem, it's everywhere from sneakers to glass bottles to pro wrestling to candy to aerospace.

https://www.openmarketsinstitute.org/learn/monopoly-by-the-numbers

Klobuchar's CALERA doesn't just seek to apply antitrust law to tech – it also explicitly restores the pre-Reagan basis for fighting monopolies: we fight monopolies because they concentrate power and corrupt our politics. All monopolies are guilty unless proven otherwise.

But though industries all attained their monopolies through similar tactics – predatory acquisitions and mergers, vertical integration – they also each have their own technical characteristics that must inform our demonopolization tactics.

Take emergency care: monopolists love ERs because we don't choose which ER to use, nor when. You can't shop for an ER from the back of an ambulance. You don't know going in whether you're going to spend $1m or $1k. And you'll buy whatever services the ER tells you to buy.

Or power-grids: demand for electricity is both inelastic (you need power when you need power) and price-insensitive, and that inelasticity increases with demand: that is, when it's freezing or boiling out, everyone wants electricity.

Tech, of course, has its own technical characteristics. Chief among these is its flexibility. At a deep, theoretical level our digital tools and networks are capable of interoperating with one another in ways that no physical technologies can match.

Think of the Australian rail-system. In the mid-19th century, would-be rail-barons laid differing gauges in hopes of conquering the nation's logistics and transport. For 150+ years, engineers have tried to solve the "multi-gauge muddle" by designing multi-system railcars.

Hundreds of designs for cars that retract and extrude different wheelbases have been tried, and none ever caught on. Instead, Australia is tearing up and re-laying thousands of kilometers' worth of track. With physical tech, "compatibility" often means starting from scratch.

Not so with digital tech. If you are an OS company whose rival has locked up all office docs in a proprietary format, you don't have to convince all its customers to abandon their documents and start over. You just make a compatible program:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/06/adversarial-interoperability-reviving-elegant-weapon-more-civilized-age-slay

With digital and physical tech, network effects drive high switching costs, but when it comes to digital, network effects are a double-edged sword.

With interoperability, a walled garden can easily become a feed-lot, where customers for a new service are neatly arrayed for competitors to come and harvest.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2021/01/twitter-and-interoperability-some-thoughts-peanut-gallery

Good tech policy emphasizes interoperability when it comes to demonopolizing the digital world. Long before the US ACCESS Act and the EU Digital Markets Act, Mike Masnick published his seminal "Protocols, Not Platforms" paper.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2021/01/twitter-and-interoperability-some-thoughts-peanut-gallery

And Daphne Keller's work on "Magic APIs" presaged the ACCESS Act's idea of forcing tech companies to expose the APIs they use internally so that competitors can plug into their services:

https://www.techdirt.com/articles/20200901/13524045226/if-lawmakers-dont-like-platforms-speech-rules-heres-what-they-can-do-about-it-spoiler-options-arent-great.shtml

(that paper is outstanding, BTW, with clear-eyed assessments of alternatives, like a digital fairness doctrine, "common carriage" rules, an "indecency" standard for content moderation – basically a checklist for "So you've got a plan to fix tech – did you think of ____?")

Masnick's "protocols" are a vision for a decentralized, better internet. Keller's Magic APIs describe a legal path to getting there. My own work on Competitive Compatibility (nee Adversarial Interoperability) describes how we'll STAY there.

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/10/adversarial-interoperability

Because monopolies are good at subverting regulation, so any Magic API rule would be brittle – dependent on the tech companies not sabotaging those APIs by moving the important data-flows away from the mandatory APIs.

That's why we have to strip monopolists of the power to ask a court to block interoperators: take away the wildly distorted copyright, patent, terms of service and other legal doctrines that Big Tech ignored during its ascent, but now enforces against would-be competitors.

With both interop mandates and a legal right for new entrants to force interoperability through technical means, tech giants will face consequences if they subvert antimonopoly rules.

The choice becomes: either respect the intent of a mandate and preserve interop; or be plunged into a chaotic arms-race with competitors who switch to scraping, bots, and reverse-engineering.

All of this is incredibly wonkish, a highly specialized debate that involves highly technical propositions about how digital technology works today, how it used to work and how it might work – layered atop a similar, highly technical understanding of antitrust law.

The Venn overlap of "deep understanding of digital tech" and "deep understanding of antitrust debates" isn't so much a slice as it is a sphincter, and the debate has been equally narrow, but when it's railbaron time, you get trustbusters.

The tech monopoly/interop debate is going mainstream. Francis Fukuyama and his colleagues at the Stanford Working Group on Platform Scale have proposed an intervention similar to the ACCESS Act, where trusted third parties mediate between monopolists, new entrants and users.

The Stanford proposal calls them "middleware companies," but they're conceptually interchangeable with the idea of a "data fiduciary": companies that act as referees when a new co-op, startup or nonprofit wants to plug into a monopolist's service.

https://pairagraph.com/dialogue/4124f75013da40038c4cbff5ebdaaa51/3

This is clearly an idea whose time has come – it's present in the EU's DMA and the US Access Act, and latent in the UK CMA report:

https://www.gov.uk/cma-cases/online-platforms-and-digital-advertising-market-study#final-report

Importantly, it's an approach that recognizes the distinctive character of tech – taking account of the power of interop to break open walled gardens and unravel network effects.

What's especially interesting about this work is that it appears to have been developed in parallel to pre-existing work from Masnick and Keller (and me) – it's a case of convergence between the tech-policy world and the broader world of policy.

After all, while Masnick and Keller's work is well known inside of tech policy, that's just our obscure, nerdy corner of the policy world – now they're escaping that corner, becoming self-evident to people from traditional policy backgrounds.

https://review.chicagobooth.edu/economics/2020/article/capitalisn-t-francis-fukuyama-s-proposal-rein-big-tech

My hope is that the trend continues – that we see ideas about Competitive Compatibility/Adversarial Interop join the idea of API mandates, so that we produce durable anti-monopoly systems, not just anti-monopoly rules.

Most important, though, is restoring an appreciation for the importance of interoperability in preventing monopolies and promoting technological self-determination for communities and individuals.

Because such a sensibility can escape the legislative world and be enacted via fast-moving, easier-to-use policy  tools. For example, we could (should!) make interop a feature of all government procurement rules.

No school district should buy devices for students without securing the right to sideload the apps they need on them – imagine buying 50,000 Ipads at public expense and then having Apple boot the app you rely on out of the App Store!

Likewise, no district should buy Google Classroom without securing a legally binding guarantee not to block interoperators who want to integrate other ed-tech services into the curriculum, with or without Google's cooperation.

Procurement and interop are as old as the Civil War, when the Union Army demanded firearms and ammo that had multiple manufacturers. As the state-level Net Neutrality rules (which bar governments from using non-neutral ISPs) showed us, procurement can shape markets.

Procurement is just for starters. Right now, tech companies caught breaking the law are handed down fines that are less than the profits their lawbreaking generated – instead, we could demand interop as part of any settlement.

One major barrier to interop is contract law: terms of service, EULAs, noncompetes, arbitration, etc. States wield enormous power over contracting terms: states can declare certain contractual language against public policy and thus unenforceable.

If, say, California were to pass a rule nullifying the mountain of abusive garbage that has become standard in digital "contracts," it would be in a position to export fair usage terms to the country in just the same way it exports robust emissions standards.

Antittrust is primarily a federal manner (that's why 40 years of federal antitrust malpractice has been such a disaster). But every level of government, down to your local school board, can make a meaningful difference in tech antitrust.

Digital technology's inescapable, marvellous, terrifying flexibility can be translated into so many unique, powerful weapons for transforming the industry and empowering communities to control their digital lives and seize the means of computation.