#Not having a social life was doing wonders for me financially so actually going out has ruined me

[mellotronmkll]

I spent SO much money this weekend but I want to go to this one restaurant tonight so bad but I can't like I've blown my budget for basically the whole month

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

You're analysis are always very insightful! Your considerations about Malleus' restricted options in terms of partners made me wonder if Kalim would end up in a similar situation as him. This is of course entirely speculation, since we don't know much about how his parents got together, but to me it makes sense that in the future he might have to deal with something like an arranged marriage. He isn't royalty, but the Asim family still has a great deal of commercial and political sway in the Scalding Sands, so it's difficult for me to believe that they would just let the heir marry whoever he chooses. And despite how carefree he may act, I don't think he would reject an arrangement made by his family. He seems pretty aware of all the obligations that come with being an heir to the Asim. Besides, rejecting a spouse that was chosen for him might put said person under a lot of public scrutiny, and I don't think he would want anyone to go through that

[Referencing this post!]

Oh, hmmm 🤔 I actually never really though about this kind of thing for Kalim so I guess now is as good of a time as any www.

I do think like there would be some selectiveness involved for Kalim too, given the financial power and political influence in the Scalding Sands that the Asims hold (and that's not even mentioning their connections via family, some of which are royalty, and business partners). There's also been several attempts on Kalim's life, so there would probably be an intense screening and background check process for anyone courting Kalim. Who knows if they're actually there to kidnap him or to take his life??? The Asims would have very legitimate concerns, so they have every right to be vigilant and suspicious of those who may try to take advantage of Kalim's kind-heartedness and gullibility.

Mm, I do feel like (overall) Kalim wouldn't be in as much of a tight spot as Malleus?? I get the sense that his parents are way more open-minded and truly care about his happiness (unlike the Briar Valley senators) so they wouldn't exactly force him to marry someone he doesn't actually love. Rather than a "you have no say in this matter" arranged marriage, they might instead present Kalim with a pool of potential candidates that have already been vetted and encourage him to try them out? Like, go on various blind dates and see if he "clicks" with any of them. There would be more trial and error, more exploration allowed (since there isn't as much of a demand for Kalim to have an heir, especially not right away; he has so many other siblings and family members who could help or assume roles in the business). I believe this is similar to how matchmaking is done in some Asian countries (although I'm not too familiar with the concept, I've only learned a little about it through some podcasts). From my understanding, they try to "match" applicants with someone of a similar social ranking as you (so in Kalim's case, he would probably be meeting people who are also mega wealthy) and based on what you (and oftentimes your family) are looking for. If it doesn't work out, then there's less of a chance for backlash since pretty much anyone can use these services and a perfect match isn't a guarantee, especially on the first attempt. Please feel free to correct me if I got any information here wrong!! ^^

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen! i've know im a lesbian since I was 12, but because of my problems with socializing i've never actually had ANY romantic interactions(my lesbianism making things even harder, as you can imagine)

i'm almost out of high school and going to college, so i'm feeling very down about missing out on teen romance but dont want the same thing to happen again. do you have any tips on what i can do to avoid this problem in the future? i am genuinely clueless on what to do when looking for a partner, really

even if you dont actually have any advice to give i still really love your blog, it reminds me that lesbians can actually grow old and live happy lives💖💖thank you for hearing me out and i apologize for any grammar mistake!!

This is pretty easy because, while it was pretty outgoing and friendly, it was often not as my full self. I kept my horse girl, lesbian, butch and weird music and hobby side of myself under wraps from most of my friends. I had no word for lesbian or butch but my high school best friend knew I probably liked girls, we just never discussed it and it didn't bother her. It might have been harder on our friendship had I tried to come out in the 80's, not because it bothered her but the insinuations of all the others about our relationship would have been A LOT for a high schooler.

I waited until after college graduation and I used to sometimes look back and wonder how many times I missed out kissing a girl in high school or other women in college. How had twinges of regret for not having sex or even attempting intimacy with women.( I mostly avoided boys too because ew)

As I was sitting in a miserable passionless marriage to my wife of 17years, I pined for that passion and tingle that i had with my first girlfriend from ages 23 to 30. How many times did I miss that feeling with girls in my high school or college or at summer jobs because I was unsure of myself and not confident that any woman would find me attractive. I was even unsure if loving a woman was something I could do. Was it a real thing?

Looking back now I realize I just was not ready and most of my young friends in high school were not ready for me to be out and opening attracted to the same sex. I had fun in high school, made friends and had a small group of girls I was very close to. I enjoyed those friendships perhaps because I did not come out and cause those bonds to be strained.

In college I was concerned how my parents would react and I was in no way independent from their financial and emotional support. My friends were all around me experimenting with their sexuality and I was watching from outside, really wanting what they had but not willing to give up my security and college education to be open about being a lesbian. I knew I could just "do it and hide it" but I was not built for the stealthy life. I know if i was loving loving women it would be hard to be quiet.

Here is the point I am getting at with the sharing of all these experiences. If you were not ready to act on dating and attempting to date it is probably good that you listened to yourself. We are not on a time line and many young people feel pressured to date when their confidence, sexual maturity and social skills are not ready yet which can lead them to be vulnerable to abusive, controlling or unhealthy relationships. It is hard to listen to your own intuition and set and keep boundaries when you are trying to date just to not be the only one not dating.

What you more likely missed out on was not the thrill of dating but the hassle of pretending you want to date when it didn't feel right, at all.

You are heading to college. You are now becoming interested in the excitement of dating on your own and not because others think you need to date. You are craving the touch, the tingly feeling and the companionship of women. These are all good signs you are ready to date.

My advice:

1.Be honest with yourself and then her (your date) every time. Do not go on date number two if it does not feel right. If you are unsure go on another date but continue to listen to yourself.

2.You deserve passion and mutual excitement to be in the company of a woman. If one of you do not feel it, move on.

3.Do not stick to a relationship because it is "ok" or she is "nice" . You have the right to sexual, emotional and intellectual stimulation. Look for it and don't settle.

4.There will be other women so don't cling to the first one or the one willing to stick around just because she is there. If you don't feel all the afore mentioned excitement, be honest with yourself and her and move on.

5. Dating a woman with whom you share many wonderful moments and lots of joy does not mean you will be together forever or have that expectation. Short term love is a thing and neither of you are failures when that fades out.

6. Ask her. If you see a woman that interests you be clear that you would like to take her on a date and you have romantic interests. Don't be vague or try to use hints. This leads to miscommunications and false expectation every time.

7. Finally, use all the dating and flirting and breakups and heartbreaks and joy and fun and memories to form who and what you are looking for as a partner. All that experience is giving you a better idea on what makes you truly happy.

You missed out on nothing. The adventure is just beginning and it can start with a simple "Hi, I think you are cute. Would you be willing to go on a date with me?" She might say "no", but she MIGHT say "yes".

[writingforatwistedworld]

How to NOT get screwed over when getting a new job

Ok, some of you might be “Uh... Why is this on a fanfic blog? (and where is a new fic? It's coming.)” Why I am addressing this is because I know that some of you are at that age when you search for a job.

Before I start, some background info: this was my first job. My parents were always supportive of me since one of them is an immigrant who knows how hard it is if you don't have the right papers in the right country. So they agreed on helping me financially until I had graduated. You know, so I have a good chance of getting a decent paying easy job. I am no genius so they also wanted me to focus more on studying than some sort of side thing happening in my life.

Now, I am not going to say here who my employer is since I signed a paper not to share stuff about them on social media. I am not violating my contract by not saying who they are since it can not be traced back to them. (Already messed up enough that I have to say this but ok, moving on.)

The first red flag was actually already present when I signed my contract. (Crazy, right? Bad employers doing a shady job since the beginning.) So I sit there , doe eyed, singing it. The person who was the representative of the company, in my case, more or less flew over the most important things but didn't get into details. My first advice: Nope. This is not good. First red flag.

Go into detail. Ask them specifically how many hours per week can be added with or without your consent. Some companies are a bit more relaxed and allow you to choose whether you want to work longer than you signed up for or not. Now, the guy said something along the lines of “You could”. Yeah, no. I always have the long shifts and from what I can see, everyone does. We are all overworked and are in desperate need of more hands. (I am not going to be advertising them. Don't worry. They even want to cut costs by not hiring any more than the absolutely necessary minimum of workers. And they wonder why peeps go on strikes...)

The second is, he was awfully relaxed in his way of talking to me. Not in an “I'm relaxed because today is a not-so-busy day” but in a “we are friends and this is a big family”. A bit too much like he was an old friend. This had been a bit weird for me since the beginning because, well, the guy literally decides whether I am getting hired or not. Shouldn't he be a bit more, idk, professional? But I noticed sooner than later (to be exact, one week after I started working for them) that the guy was simply trying to butter me up. Not in the typical way of companies roping in workers. No. He had to do this because otherwise there wouldn't be a single reason why you would start working there.

I talked about that point with one of my friends. They have a bit more experience with finding jobs and they explained to me that such “buddy-buddy” strategies are always a red flag for them. If a company is good in what they do they don't have the need for such a thing. They have a more professional way of recruiting and whilst a joke or two might be made they are by far not mostly made out of relaxed chit-chatter.

There might be even more factors that I don't even notice being at play here. But he made me sign a contract that 1. makes me to work even longer than I signed up for on some weeks (like, way too much but I am not allowed to speak about details here) and 2. pays me less than I was promised. Heck, I even had to call the German taxing department or however you call it in English because they even put me in the wrong tax-paying class. Now, if this was a small company then ok, not cool as well but at least you could push all of that on the fact that they are so small and might even be inexperienced that they make mistakes but (and a huge reason why I don't lose a word about who they are) such a huge company? They make at least MILLIONS. This is also why I avoid getting into a fight with them. If they were to throw me in front of a judge then I wouldn't be able to keep up with them. They have so much money that they can literally buy themselves out of a situation.

I hope this helps you if you are searching for a new job or are right now on the lookout for your first one.

Stay safe and healthy! (Pardon me if I made some spelling errors. I wrote this on my phone.)

[libbee]

Self development series: trust your perception. No matter what.

For inner planets in 7th, 8th, 12th house, water signs placements, water risings.

Those of us who have not been on the good side of fate keep thinking what is wrong with us. The "other people" appear to be socializing, relaxed and living it out. But you stare from a distance, comparing your life to them, wondering why you are surrounded by malicious people and most importantly, how to change your pattern?

You must trust your perception. Cognitive Dissonance is when contradictory perceptions, beliefs, actions, feelings, ideas, values and things are told to you by somebody else. You are unable to trust your own perception. You are confused about your reality. For example, a man who cheats on his partner but says that he loves her still. Again cheats but says he is wired like that, men are men, he is polyamorous, it is his biological instinct, in past kings used to keep 100 wives. Of course, you are confused. Or someone who does something problematic but says "you are jealous of me, you are insecure, I dont care what you say, I am not wrong at all - you are wrong". This causes mental confusion to you. The other person is straight up lying, making it up, manipulating, but to you it is confusion.

People are not "oh so complicated" like that. People are actually easy to understand if you observe the patterns. The same patterns repeat all their lives. They can pretend to be somebody else for a day or two but the facade ultimately falls. Trust your judgment. We cannot guarantee to make the best decisions all the time but learning to trust your judgment will make you assertive, confident and secure in yourself.

It is especially for those who are trauma survivors, they are vulnerable and impressionable. Abusive people abuse then confuse. They might justify or rationalize their behaviour because religion/science/mythology/history says so, they will devalue you one minute then claim to love you the next minute - say it is for your benefit/it is your fault/they did not mean it. Do not be fooled by the words, trust the patterns.

We are humans, of course we will connect with language and words. Whatever language you speak, you connect with others. I am writing in English, you know English, you understand what I write, it aligns with your judgment so you trust what I say. I have to hold this trust by not lying, misleading, manipulating otherwise I will become an abuser.

It will help to read on sociopath v/s narcissist on internet. Do not underestimate the number of toxic people around you. Of course we cannot diagnose mental illness in others but we can identify their symptoms and draw our boundaries. Not all narcissists are sociopath, but all sociopaths are narcissists. Trust the patterns. Not all narcissists are alpha overt type, not all narcissists will financially exploit others. You decide where you draw the boundary. Especially if you are guilty of emotional investment and intense reactions before and want to change the scene in your life.

So, the next time you see someone flattering or love bombing you and you know their pattern beforehand, trust that they are not sincere this time as well.

Why do people become abusers? Destiny, perhaps. Do abusers know they are abusive? It depends. Some of them do not know they are emotionally abusive, some know but still do it. Patterns are hard to identify and change for the abuser. They are so intertwined in their reality that they dont even know what they are doing. You can see a narcissist doing their "dance" from a distance but he/she will not know it. It takes immense will power to change your patterns in your 20s, 30, 40s. Then it is even harder beyond that. What is a spiritual event that can change an abuser? Anything that forces them to enter intense emotional distress. Rock bottom, social outcast, divorce, ultimate failure in life etc. This is why you see some toxic people are genuinely transformed, they go to rehab or therapy or do inner work on their own. There is no genuine transformation without emotional turmoil. Those who feel deeply also transform.

For those who do not change? Forgive them. Distance yourself. Know that if they knew what they were doing, if they genuinely had the insight, they would be blown by shock and remorse. Leave them in their reality. There are plenty of decent people living their lives, looking for friends like you.

[thistlecatfics]

hey, sorry if this is annoying but i just found your works today and fell for them completely. your descriptions of bellatrix made my very old fixations rear their heads again. i was wondering what your current opinions are on jk rowling? i tried to look here but only really found things from before her terf-turn and that’s what i’m really interested in your thoughts on. i’m just curious and will be very grateful if you’d be considerate enough to answer

Hello! Thank you so much! Definitely not annoying and if I ever got an ask I didn't feel like answering I could very easily ignore it or delete it :)

The short answer: fuck jkr. the world will be better off when she dies.

The long answer: Yes, I feel anger towards her (see above lol), but there's also grief there. These books (and the fandom but the root is the books) helped me so much as a kid. I loved them, and it felt like I could be loved back by them. When I did EMDR therapy for my experiences of incest, I used Sirius Black as a resource to help me through one particular thread of memory and one of the themes that came up for me repeatedly during reprocessing is how much fiction and storytelling helped me survive and how grateful I am for storytellers. When I was a kid, if I was asked which celebrity I'd want to meet, I'd always pick her. She was important to me. I'm sad. I'm hurt. It feels genuinely painful to try to reconnect with some of those feelings.

Everyone likes to mock her casual post-canon reveal of Dumbledore as being gay, but that happened exactly as I was starting to come out and actually accept that I was gay, and it genuinely, genuinely mattered to me, and I'm stubbornly resisting the urge to feel embarrassed about my teenage joy and relief now.

(I always say I had some practice with this feeling of betrayal because the other book/book series which was so important to me as a kid was Ender's Game and Orson Scott Card was such an extreme, violent homophobe, but it definitely hurt more with jkr.)

(I recognize I'm gliding over the genuine fatphobia, antisemitism, sexism and racism in her writing and extra-canon world building but I do think the transphobia piece is the central one here - the area where she's doing the most acute and extreme harm.)

The embarrassing longer answer is that I'm arrogant enough that I think I could pull her back to reality (and get her out of that mold infested house) if I was given enough time with her. I'm really patient and really convincing and I have a ton of empathy for women who have experienced extreme patriarchal violence which has shaped their political views - even in a way that disconnects them from reality.

I'm also someone who is put off by how in many progressive spaces there's the dominant view that gender is a playground, not a violent system of power relations, and so I can connect with her on that point enough that I can fantasize about helping connect her to the full humanity of trans people (and also herself because by dehumanizing others we dehumanize ourselves.) (there's a lot to be said about the unique balance of wealth and whiteness and gendered trauma (and social media) as creating a potent dehumanizing force.) BUT I recognize that's just my impulse to fix and rescue and want to recreate this safe adult figure in my life and it's definitely not fucking happening lol.

(I also have a lot of feelings about how the fandom tries to deal with the problem of jkr but this is already plenty long and you only asked about my feelings about her haha.) (but yeah in general I follow the 'no financial support of her - not even a little bit. not even watching the movies on max or purchasing anything that might give her a cent.')

going to finish off with this really beautiful short piece of writing from Chinese Canadian trans woman writer Kai Cheng Thom from her book "Falling Back in Love with Being Human." Her ability to lean into empathy and love is a north star I try to follow.

[kiawren]

Hi Wren!! ^_^ What do you and Kiawe usually talk about when you two hang out?

Hai Amaya :]]

A variety of things actually. I've never actually planned out a scenario with the exact dialogue we have, it's sort of just vibes...I can honestly talk to him about anything.

We talk about each other, our family and how much we care for our siblings (Wren's family is in their home region). We talk about our pokemon and how we found them and their personalities.

What I love so much about kiawren is we talk about our ambitions. Wren wants to be a conservationist and Kiawe wants to be a traditional dancer professionally. They talk about how their interest got sparked, why they keep chasing this dream becuz it means a lot to them.

Wren wants to nurture the bridge between social cultures and nature in order to conserve it. Kiawe wants to deepen his understanding about culture and the natural world through the art of traditional dance. Their interests are a Venn diagram. We can feel each other's passion when we talk about them. Especially Kiawe, it's very personal to him becuz it's *his* native culture and it's just a lot for me to learn about.

Although in my s/i world I've already started tangibly fulfilling that dream (conservation programme in alola)... In real life I haven't....it's only been lots of talk and hoping I get into the uni course I like, but no time and motivation to go out there and do something amidst my school routine.

For Kiawe, it's also the hoping and the wondering if it's out of reach to make it big. He does practice dance in his own time, but he isn't doing it professionally yet (although, lots of alolan recognise and praise his dancing so! He shouldn't worry so much). Becuz he wants to study dance abroad, and I hc it's to study traditional dance not just from alola, and polynesian, but also austronesia and the wider world. He wants to go to some cultural school he wants to learn it all!!! And our passion is the same!!!

And if he was talking to irl me who's at the point where I'm unsure about my future too, we'd have a lot to talk about and reassure the other. Although irl me's problem is more like finding the gratification in studying, and Kiawe's is more worrisome becuz it's financial. Though I hc Mallow's restaurant hired him after he got laid off from the supermarket. But applying to a uni abroad is difficult and he'd worry if he'd get accepted (but dude you're literally a trial captain of course you will) so yeah, maybe he doesn't need to worry so much and he's sure to reach his dreams, it's just a matter of time. And he would inspire me to work for mine too.

But ultimately I'm a random person and with him I feel like I can speak my mind.

Oh yeah I almost forgot! We also talk about being trans guys. Wren is not on the full end of the transmasc spectrum but Kiawe is, and they can relate to each other. Kiawe has more to talk about in regards to his journey and of course I want to hear it. I'll care for him and help him with anything at all...

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

if i tell you you are not ready for this interview.

my translation. my commentary is highlighted.

interviewee: ilan stephani who has her own website describing her as a “best selling author”. she worked as a prostitute for 2 years in a brothel and successfully finished her college education. she is a “body coach” now.

„Men are doing terrible sexually”

Ilan Stephani worked in a Berlin brothel for two years. She describes her experiences in her new book.

Miss Stephani, you walked to the prostitution organization Hydra with some friends for a consultation: You wanted to become a prostitute. What did you hope for with this profession?

IS: I didn’t want to become a boring college student. I wanted intense contact. I didn’t have good experiences: My first boyfriend cheated on me with such self-confidence it made me feel the question of power in sex. I wanted to gain social and sexual sovereignty. As a daughter from a good home, I learned how to fluently deal with different people. Those are qualities that were suddenly honored in prostitution. That totally flashed me.

she was emotionally traumatized from her cheating ex-partner and thought prostitution was a fun new adventure. this gave her some wicked sense of control. you can hear the classism from this privileged and educated woman when she calls herself a “daughter from a good home”. off to a good start.

Is that a hunger for life?

IS: Yes. And this is the thing for all men who go to a brothel: I’m hungry for life. And they think a man needs sex for that, which is of course bullshit. Men just learn that they have to experience life like this now. But contact with a smiling person is what enlivens us.

yes girl im sure these men come to you for your smile and because they are “hungry for life” and not because they want to get off in a woman. be for real.

Even though it’s a paid and fake smile?

IS: Yes, people can ignore that really easily.

she admits here that sex buyers know any joy and enthusiasm is fake and simply ignore it to proceed with sex acts. and yet she feels sorry for them.

And that you have sex with men who you don’t desire at all, that didn’t make you hesitate?

IS: It did. But you often have sex in a loving relationship without loving or wanting the other in that moment. That’s more about a feeling of obligation. There is a smaller difference to prostitution than you think. I’ve been working as a body therapist with women for seven years, and they all basically did for free what I was paid for. I had already experimented with anonymous sex. I went to a swinger club and already knew this normalcy and openness. And I was excited for this new social challenge.

so the two options for women are to have sex out of obligation or for payment? girl. also you are generally attracted to your partner, just don't want sex sometimes. in a healthy relationship you would not feel obligated. this was an experiment to her – she is making a mockery out of women who are in prostitution out of financial necessity. i wish she had just stuck to anonymous sex in swinger clubs.

What social challenge do you mean?

IS: All this performance art: For example, you take the money very discreetly, so nobody realizes that a payment has been made. I play that I have to moan exactly now and at the same time I take care that the towel doesn’t move from underneath me. And randomly, after half an hour, our wonderful encounter takes a natural end – and maybe the people also told me some secrets. They talk to prostitutes as if we signed a non-disclosure agreement. I had control the whole time. And usually, the world does not wait for little female students. But these men waited for me.

very normal for a supposed service to pay secretly to keep up an illusion of not actually being a service. it’s true, playing sexual pleasure is a challenge. not something that should be expected of women but okay i guess we’re admitting that prostitution is reproducing misogyny. the last two sentences make it very obvious that her self-esteem is completely dependent on men. another thing i noticed is that she says “people” when in the rest she talks about men. this is a common tactic to obfuscate the reality that prostitution is mostly women serving men.

You worked in a small, female-led brothel, with excellent working conditions. Still: You told the boys they are amazing at satisfying women, even when many can’t really. If I’m being strict here, you supported phallic culture.

calling sex buyers “boys”. nice infantilization to make them seem harmless. otherwise good question that makes it clear that prostitution is inherently anti-feminist.

IS: Yes. Prostitution stabilizes this culture. But as a prostitute, I don’t participate in the patriarchal elevation of the erection. Men fail in phallic culture, that is their problem. They are supposed to have an erect penis, and then it’s flaccid. What do you think, how nervous they often are, when they think they have to bring it now. I hear: “Please release me from the pressure to have to meet these standards.” And I say: “It doesn’t matter whether you have an erection or not. It’s not important. You are alright.” But of course in the end you are right: Women have always validated men under patriarchy and made them feel good.

“yes prostitution supports the patriarchy but -” not interested in what you have to say. take the L. the way she extends so much empathy to sex buyers. i guarantee you they don’t give a fuck and don't think about women and especially prostituted women any further than how fuckable we are. way to reproduce traditional gender roles: the woman as caring, empathetic, taking men’s feelings into account and defending them whatever they do. women telling men they are good enough when they really aren’t. women putting their own desires aside to help and teach men. and yet they will go home and still not know how to satisfy a woman because they pay you to lie to them. but hey she is sooooo self-aware.

That didn’t bother you?

IS: Little. I felt sorry for them. Men are doing terrible sexually in this society. Worse than women, because unlike women they don’t know what they lack. If cumming in women who pretend for them is the highlight of their sex life – how sad is that? The brothel is just one symptom of this poor sex we have.

men are doing so terribly sexually that they can legally buy sex. what is this woman on. this is almost bordering on men’s rights activism. poor men who have orgasms all the time while women have to pretend. maybe the sex wouldn’t be “poor” if men didn’t see women as a means to an end, their own orgasm. but sure you can frame it like her i guess.

What is poor sex – and what is rich sex?

IS: The poverty is that we desperately yearn to touch each other and make each other happy. And we don’t succeed. Women fake orgasms, that is not just a funny topic for the boulevard press. That is a failed communication every time. And men say: The things you like are so boring they make me fall asleep, I need something better. There are so many false expectations. The penis has to enter the vagina, that is such a strict idea about sexuality. And all this in a romantic relationship between two people. Hollywood and the porn industry have commercialized this. And these false pictures cause sexual abuse, sexual trauma for women. And that’s all the fault of the sex we have.

wow, they managed to talk about poverty – but not the impoverished women who are the majority in prostitution and don’t have the privilege to make intellectual considerations about poor little sex buyer meow meows because they have to deal with the abuse. men yearn to make women happy? i have to laugh. and prostitution is helping here how? by teaching men healthy boundaries and communication? again, i have to laugh. she extends no empathy to women or these men’s partners, only to the men who probably cheated on them with her – most sex buyers are not single. and “the penis has to enter the vagina” is literally 90% of prostitution. again, what is she on. so hollywood and the porn industry are evil but prostitution is not? god, please let brains fall from the sky. some people need them.

Now you could say: Kismet [destiny], our sex has become like this, now we have to work through it. You think something else is possible. What would that be?

IS: Good sex has to be freed from definitions that stress us. Thoughts like “sex is only good with an erection”, that’s stressful. We don’t know how to protect our sexuality from these definitions. For example, I discovered slow sex. We laid together for hours, a relaxed and unerected penis in a relaxed vagina. Nothing happened for a long time – except my leg went numb and my boyfriend’s back hurt. But after a few tries, something happened, and it was better than anything we ever experienced. We sensitized our genitalia again. I had my first vaginal orgasm. Yes, dear previous sex partners, the first!

not her talking about “protecting our sexuality”. i don’t even know what to say anymore. prostitution is all about penetration and defining sex to make it a service. she experiments with her partner but sex buyers can’t do that? and she proudly proclaims that none of her sexual partners had made her cum before (at least vaginally). this is such a mess. and now this banger:

Was that the point where you exited prostitution?

IS: Yes. I got bored before that though. And then I went to a workshop, where a group of women was supposed to find our G spot. I was pretty numb vaginally. At first it was funny because we were fingering around in each other with latex gloves, at some point your fingers start to cramp. Well, in the end we found it, and it was such a fluent and ecstatic experience! After that I stayed in the brothel for three weeks. And then I opened my eyes one day and thought: I’m not going there anymore. I was finished with it.

she never even experienced an orgasm before entering prostitution... literally completely unexperienced. and when she realized she could actually feel pleasure and wasn’t merely there to satisfy men she used her privilege to exit prostitution. and because she got “bored”. again, this is a fucking mess. and now she is some sort of body therapist for other women and profits from having been prostituted because everyone fucking loves these stories no matter what the background is. these narratives are extremely harmful to marginalized women in prostitution and play right into men’s hands. why are we not talking more about how a vaginally numb and sexually repressed woman whose partners never bothered enough to make her orgasm entered prostitution and how this is not a good thing? i fucking hate this newspaper because they are so uncritical.

Your bad experiences did not play a role?

IS: Not directly. I only realized later on that prostitution traumatized me. I had one customer who violently had sex with me. He was a smart sadist. A polite, friendly man. But then suddenly he just did what he wanted, touched me brutally and fucked me violently. He didn’t want consent. It was rape, even though it was not rape legally, because I did not say no. He showed me how I’m not able to set boundaries, because I was not prepared for something like this. I think that no woman is prepared for that because we are raised to be these smiling, nice girls.

how is she so aware but so wilfully ignorant at the same time. the cognitive dissonance is insane.

The infamous “she didn’t defend herself”.

IS: Yes. I work a lot with women who say: No, that was not rape, it was in my relationship and I didn’t say no. And I know exactly why she didn’t say no.

Why?

IS: Because we are the smiling girls. Because we are cuter when we cry silently than when we are angry. Our instinct that could prevent traumatization is repressed. The protective instinct: Set boundaries, say no, defend your boundaries. And there is no Yes if you are not able to say No. If we taught girls to say no, before we teach them to wear G-strings, we would reach sexual paradise. Because men would have to progress.

no words.

Don’t we try already?

Do we? I see women who are extremely scared. They’re scared that they won’t have sex anymore if they say no. That the man leaves. And they think, their only turn-on is to be “fucked hard”, to be a vessel. Women don’t know their own strength. Women’s bodies are not inferior to men’s bodies. That is a patriarchal lie. I’m pro sexual feminism. And that’s why I don’t work in prostitution anymore. I can do a lot better things with my sexual power than to say: “I’m your vessel today”.

the only thing that i can get behind in this whole mess. she is not even wrong about some things but the way she frames everything completely releases men from any accountability and she doesn't attack the system prostitution at all, she says the brothel is a symptom of boring sex and not like, woman-hate. and these are the voices that are the loudest in the german debate on prostitution.

[therealvinelle]

If you were kicked out of the cullens.. would you join the Denali? Or is eating people by yourself preferable to an eternity with Eleazar and being expected to woohoo unwilling humans

(Anon is referring to this post.)

My thoughts on the Denali.

No. God, no. I'd rather be on my own if them's the ropes.

Presumably, I wander around trying to improve my control, wanting someone to talk to and feeling miserable on my own but refusing to resort to the Denali and too proud to come crawling back to the Cullens. Knowing I likely wouldn't survive an encounter in the wild, I make a point to keep my distance from other vampires as well. Can't join the Volturi, I've spent too much time contemplating Aro's love life and relationship with his dead sister for that.

(Regarding the Cullens: it's not that I'm too proud. However, if things with them got to the point where they kicked me out, then... going back isn't going to be an option. Getting kicked out by them, having Carlisle give up on me and tell me to fuck off, would mean something so extreme happened that going back isn't an option and there would be no point in trying.)

A few years go by, I write a fuckton of fanfiction, watch every anime known to man, and my control gets better but my loneliness gets worse. Eventually I trust myself enough to enter human spaces, dropping by the library to read books or visiting a clothes store so I can wear actual clothes that fit.

And here's the trouble: I really am hopelessly lonely.

Humans fear me, yes, but I do exchange words with some from time to time, even for something so little as asking where to find my size in shoes.

These tidbits are the only social interaction I've had for years. (Animals, after all, flee at the very sight of me.)

I begin to feel strongly about these interactions. If it's the same librarian I ask about Christie novels every time I visit that particular library, I mourn when he has found the book I wanted because now the conversation is over. Just as I mourn the end of every other interaction I have, because exchanging words about the weather with someone who's instinctively afraid of me can't make a person less lonely.

But I increase my exposure to humans, because without that I have nothing. And if I have nothing, my resolve not to kill humans will crumble.

It gets worse, and however much I try to stop myself I start thinking of the humans I speak to as potential vampire companions. Not even just the humans I speak to, but humans who look particularly kind, or interesting, or- anything, really.

After all, isn't Carlisle perfectly happy being a vampire? Weren't Emmett, Esme, and Bella? Wouldn't I be, if I wasn't so damn lonely?

Being a vampire, doesn't have to be a bad thing at all, not if you're fit for it. And you will be free of age, disease, financial problems, free of everything.

There are humans, I know, who would prefer life as a vampire.

And if I can find one of these, ascertain to the best of my ability that vampirism would suit them, that they would follow my diet as well and stay with me...

That last bit is crucial, but the most difficult one. It requires, after all, that the human be one that likes me, that will choose to stay with me (all of these conditions do) and who will accept vampirism when it is offered, but I won't know what their choice is before I present it. At which point, the Volturi law would dictate they turn or die.

It's a catch-22, and there'd be no way to know for sure about a person anyway, plus I would be turning someone with the expectation they could fix my life. Obviously I'm being a bit silly, time to get off this train of thought and back to normal. Ahah. Ahahaha. (Me trying and failing to be casual about this).

I do not get back to normal.

Instead, what I do is... start vetting people, for lack of a better term. I start analysing everything they say and wondering to myself, how seriously did he mean it when he said he dreads his thirtieth? Did she say she's tired of everything because she's tired of everything, or was she just saying it?

I get lonelier.

I imagine it all comes to a head when I find a viable candidate.

Someone will inevitably seem like that perfect person, someone that I really like and would love to talk to all the time, someone who is moral and principled enough that I trust they would want to follow the diet, someone who doesn't have kids, no partner, perhaps not a lot of family or friends at all tying them to this life.

I've already memorised their routine, I know when they get off work, when they're alone, when no one would notice if they were snatched away in the dead of night.

I even have a long period of telling myself I'm not actually going to do this, ahaha, there are so many reasons not to after all. Heavy, convincing reasons such as "I shouldn't" and "but it's wrong, Vinelle. Dirty and bad and wrong".

These reasons become flimsier every time I tell them to myself.

In the end, I man myself up in a split second decision, and I go for it.

I have no doubt this goes terribly for me. Perhaps my companion stays with me and perhaps they even do the diet, but I took their humanity away so they could fix me, and that can never be the start of a healthy or happy relationship.

In the end I come crawling to Carlisle, "I went a little funny in the head out there in the desert, sir."

"Nonsense!" Carlisle says, "you didn't lose control once!"

Carlisle is truly proud of me, I exceeded his every expectation.

But there is still the question of the other Cullens hating my guts after whatever set of circumstances led to me being kicked out in the first place, and now that I've proven I won't kill people if I'm let on my own there's even less reason they should have to be stuck with me.

A vote is held, I lose the vote.

I end up wandering the world on my own again, and I eventually lose my companion as they either die or leave me. Vampire Vinelle goes a little more funny in the head this time.

[freesia-writes]

There has been a distinct theme on my dash today, and I wanted to make a separate post about it cause it applies to all fandoms and all writing in general.

PLEASE forgive anything that may come across insensitively; I’m using quote marks for words I don’t necessarily agree with but don’t know what else to use, and if my loving intent is blurred by any poor wording choices, feel free to call it out. 💕

Something amazing happens when a story is written through the eyes of a main character who experiences life through significantly different lenses than the prominently portrayed experience in media (white, cis, comfortable financially, hetero, neurotypical, etc etc), and I think it’s even more impactful when the story isn’t *about* the “differences”. A number of wonderful things occur here:

People who usually don’t feel represented or can’t relate to most media are given the chance to feel what “mainstream” viewers experience.

People who share traits with the main character don’t feel so alone.

People who don’t relate or share the experience can begin to understand it in a new way, more so than just “learning” about it.

I think it also can slip past the biases we all hold — my 67yo white dad isn’t going to read a book featuring a main character with anxiety and panic attacks if the book is something like “How to Have Empathy for Mental Struggles”, but when it’s this real, fleshed-out person and you’re hearing the experience through their eyes in the context of an awesome plot… It gets in there. ;)

It also provides such a rich opportunity to expand our understanding beyond our default egocentrism, in ways we might not seek out intentionally, and it can really open our eyes to social issues more than traditional activism, I think. Why?

Not everyone has felt the suffocating weight of depression, not as “just sadness” but as complete emptiness that makes you just want to sleep so life can pass by a little faster.

Not everyone experiences a racing mind, elevated nervous system, and feeling of being taken over by something other than “you” to the point where daily tasks are overwhelming.

Not everyone can relate to being unable to fall asleep because the waistband of your pants is too thick and is right across your hip bone and you sleep on your stomach and it drives you crazy if you can’t get it just right.

Not everyone can relate to feeling terrified to the core when your dad gets pulled over by the cops and you’re so worried that you want to vomit in the back seat.

Not everyone has lived with a disconcerting sense of not feeling at home in their own body, and are overloaded with all the voices screaming 8 million different things of what they “should” be or feel or do.

Not everyone has been accused of being lazy, inconsiderate, or undisciplined when they’re actually as well-meaning and loving as could be, but their brain works differently and sometimes time just gets away from them.

These are just a few examples, and maybe I’m way late to the game here and y’all are like… DUH. 😂🙈 But I was just so delighted with this new fic, where the reader is autistic, anxious, etc, that it sent me on a thought trail.

The main reason I wanted to lay it out is to encourage all you writers out there who LIVE these realities to bring them into your characters instead of trying to mainstream your stories so they’ll reach a wider audience or whatever your motive may be. We NEED to hear amazing fanfics and original works from experiences that are wildly different than our own. It will expand our understanding, increase our empathy, and hopefully bring more unity instead of all the arguing and clamoring to be heard.

But, as always, I’m just another idiot on the internet so take it with a grain of salt. 😉

xoxo

[365sylviaplath]

On The Unexpected Joint Slay of Family x Career (4th House x 10th House)

astrology blurb: A majority of my notable astrological transits at the time i started this journey seemed to be centered around abundance and career growth/shakeups and hopefully finally being recognized for my work (financially, socially, etc) and instead i was searching for obituaries with my full name on them (my paternal grandma's name) while at a job that continued to not recognize me, no financial changes (in fact, i had just paid the most i've ever paid for taxes in my life). There is something so mysterious and endlessly fascinating about the axes in astrology - when you’re looking into one particular transit, it will also be reflected somewhere else in your chart, which may come through more clearly. In this example, both jupiter and uranus were conjunct my midheaven/10th house of career (hence my blurb above about career gains), but something i later came to remember was the fact that this meant it was also opposing my 4th house of home/family.

some axes are obviously opposite but inextricably linked: 2nd is about what you have and 8th is about what you lose, you owe taxes for any money you earn and dying is the only guarantee when it comes to living life. you can only lose something when you have it! loss and gain are symbiotic lovers in the eyes of astrology in the same way that your home and family identity are tied to your career and public persona. i proceeded to be so stumped by this.

you can’t be a public figure without a private self. the self you think no one will witness, because how could they, is on utter display. much like how becoming a parent is a job (and one of the few things that can get you somewhat out of work in the American Traditional workplace), work will publicly out you for who you are and who you were raised to be. how you show yourself to the public is a direct result of who you grew up as. how do you act when someone blames you? if you have to do something independently? you will accidentally seek mentorship from people who remind you of your family members, repeat the same career blunders as your parents (or come incredibly close), wonder why you’re stuck in the situation you’re in and then remember you’ve seen it modeled more times than you can count. parents overly focused on their careers/work life and being seen by the public likely did not make as much time for their kids. family and work are constantly being put at odds as though they are complete opposites. but they need each other! private and public self are more stunningly similar than we realize.

sometimes it’ll really be 26 years on auto-pilot and then your new therapist in a new city asks you about your family history. screeching halt. most other years in therapy, i had more alarming and pressing personal issues i needed immediate attention for, but all of the extraneous material was stripped away this year. getting along with my friends, renewed my lease, physical recovery very much on track, not dating anyone, work same as its always been (not great, but the same) - one of my first therapy assignments was to look for my grandma’s obituary. Something about googling your own first name + last name + obituary after therapy on a Friday night and parsing through results. Something about realizing she had my name - my name was actually hers first - i am, because she was. I wouldn’t be myself if she wasn’t herself. at the time, i couldn't even mentally conjure an image of what she looked like.

i started therapy with far different intentions. my mental health was not the best at the time. lots of bizarre, seemingly psychosomatic symptoms (classic for me, but always indicative of a larger thing going on), a desire to pivot careers into something that better suited my interests and skills, generally just needed help figuring out my deal. career was pretty stable at that time, but i knew i had a lot of unresolved feelings toward my professional life that i wanted to sort out. even the idea of pivoting was challenging for me! i was struggling to even get myself out of the psychological hole. the concept of writing cover letters for jobs that wouldn't even have the decency to reject me felt like medieval torture. i genuinely couldn't bring myself to do it and felt more and more ashamed that i couldn't even start the process of leaving, thus furthering the spiral. i brought myself to a new city, i created an entirely new home life for myself, i had clear intentions of rebirth! why was it so hard to be reborn?

i thought about how many women had to give up careers they loved to get married and have kids. and all love to those who want to do this! but certainly not all of them wanted this. i wondered the forbidden question - did grandma really want to have kids and stop working? in the middle of the Bell Jar, she describes walking around boston with a man from chicago and thinking to herself about how she would reinvent herself if she moved to chicago. right before she receives the electro-shock treatment for the first time, she makes an attempt to escape the treatment (and massachusetts entirely) and run away to chicago. guess there really never is an original thought. i wondered if grandma ever considered running away to chicago. clearly it was on the map for some of the new england girlies! was i unconsciously doing what she wished to do? at the end of the day, i had a few very solid reasons for moving, but it still felt a little random. leave and create a new home for yourself if you ever wish to outwardly engage with the world in a way you're proud of. i wondered how many "random thoughts" of ours are actually the thoughts and feelings of our family members?

[shamrock313]

September Zodiac Readings

This reading is for entertianment purposes only. Please take everything with a grain of salt. Enjoy!

Hey everyone, so in the past, I had anons ask for private readings, and I don't do private readings. Most of my readings I give are to family and friends. I've decided to give a reading to all the zodiacs, of course it doesn't apply to everyone. It could resonate with some people. I tried to have this out earlier, but I got busy, but hey better late than never right? Also I'm just picking random songs from my Spotify for you all.

Song: Advice by Devin Luna

LIBRA ( Sept 23 - Oct 22): Spiritual Advice: Sun + 3oC = Celebrate joys and success that is coming your way. The path you chose leads you to rewarding outcomes. Believing in yourself and your growth. It's almost your birthday, so celebrate with friends and family. Some of you might want to give yourself a small little birthday and relax at home. Enjoy social gatherings and make connections. This could be beneficial for you.

OC: Pets, Narcissist, Love Spell, Caution

Some of you might already have a pet (like a dog or bird) or you're thinking about getting one. If you're in a relationship, you're in puppy love. Very infatuated with someone. Narcissist now this could be you or someone around you, but they/ you is getting a bit big headed. You need to come down a bit.

Love Spell and Caution is a bit worrying. This means you're either not being your true self or you got into a relationship very early and things are moving too fast. Caution is asking you to learn more about this relationship and your partner.

Song: Mistral by DeLange

SCORPIO ( Oct 23 - Nov 21): Financial Advice: 2oS = Weigh the pros and cons. You're in a tight spot right now. Some of you are in a job you don't like and are wondering if you should stay. If you leave you're probably wondering about bills and if you can get a new job lined up. If you have your own business, don't rush anything. You need to think carefully. It's okay to reach out to others for advice. You don't have to take the advice, but at least you have someone who is trying to help.

Song: Home by Zimerman Orchestra

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): External Forces: Death (R) + 2oS = You're resisting change and holding onto the past. With 2oS, you need to evaluate what/who stays in your life and who/what you're ready to let go of. If you're dating, you and your partner are arguing over things that happened in the past. When will it end? Let go of negative patterns.

If you're not over an ex, its time to try seeking help. You're falling into past memories of them. Don't let guilt and regret get to you. Just got a visual of a guy smoking this could be you or an ex. The person sort of reminded me of Matt Dillion from The Outsiders. Someone finds smoking as a way of handling stress.

With family, maybe you didn't have the greatest upbringing and if you're trying to talk to certain members in your family about it, just know they might not be cooperative. If someone isn't willing to help bring you peace, sometimes you have to do it on your own.

OC: Pregnancy, Liar, Honeymoon, Open Your Heart, Fire Sign, Divorce

Pregnancy someone around you is pregnant or you could be pregnant. I also see this as someone taking baby steps. Liar "Be careful of someone being sneaky". Maybe the person who is expecting isn't pregnant for you or someone is pretending just to keep you around. Very crucial but situations like this do happen. You could also be lying to yourself. Maybe you're acting like everything is fine when inside you're suffering.

Honeymoon "Honeymoon Phase. Attending Someone's Wedding". Open Your Heart. Time to be open, time to heal, time to let in positive energy. You've suffered long enough. Fire Sign (Aries, Leo, Sag) + Divorce. With these two, you, could be breaking away from all your problems. If you're dating someone who is a fire sign, you two are probably going to break up, take time apart, or actually get divorce. if it's not a person, things might change around fire sign months.

Song: 12345SEX - UPSAHL

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Current Situation: Fool + Star (R) = You're definitely jumping in without a care in the world. Not saying this in a mean way, but you're very adventurous and taking a risk. This is sort of a mix reading. With the Star (R) it means you probably had some setbacks or very soon you're about too. Its like this: one minute all things in life is amazing and them boom a breakup or loss happens or you've lost a job and then suddenly you get a call for a new one that pays better than the previous job and has better benefits.

Song: Bump It - Erykah Badu

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Reconciliation: Page of Swords (R) = Imma suggest you don't do it. If you go back there will be tension. You two might always point the blame at each other and someone seems they always want to "win" the argument.

OC: FWB - Either you and this person you were with weren't even serious. If you go back to an ex, its only for physical reasons.

Song: Holding On - Gregory Porter, Kem

PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20): Love Advice: 2oP = Your partner needs you right now. If you two haven't been spending as much time together or you haven't been paying attention to your partner struggles, it doesn't hurt to try seeing how they are. Some of you may have a partner who doesn't want to communicate their issues, but you can support them from afar. Just heard "take the load off their shoulders". Give them a massage, help with chores, do the grocery shopping.

For those who are single. Just have patience. You may think you're ready for a relationship, not yet. Some are you may have just gotten out of a relationship or you are manifesting what you want your next partner to be.

OC: Patience "Just a few more months. Good things come to those who wait".

Song: Good Riddance - Green Day

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Message: 2oP = You've got a good head on your shoulders. You know how to deal with circumstances. You stay grounded. If you're dating it seems you know how to set boundaries with your partner. You're not afraid to tell them your wants or expectations in the relationship. You're not leading them on. You don't have time for playing games.

If you just got out of a break up, find yourself. Take the lessons learned from the relationship and move on.

OC: Interested for those who are dating, you're looking to see how your partnership works. Jealousy is stating that you may be dealing with some insecurities.

Song: Talking in Your Sleep - The Romantics

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Career Advice: QoC + Devil (R) + Magician (R) = QoC is all about emotions. You should work on emotional connection like understanding how people feel. Watch what you say because sometimes your words might sting. I know your probably not being mean, that's just who you are as a person, but not many people are use to how you joke or communicate.

M (R) you have self doubt. You probably missed some opportunities. Imposter syndrome. "Rediscover your confidence". Devil (R) I want to say its sort of similar to M (R) but you may feel like this job isn't worth it or you can't see this being a long term role. Find a mentor or someone who has been there longer than you. They may have some advice for you that can be helpful.

Song: No Me Queda Mas - Selena

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 20): How Someone Sees You: 3oC + HM +9oW = You're fun, lively, vivacious. You're probably loud and wild after a few drinks. You're not the life of the party, but you do catch certain peoples attention.

You leave quite the impression with current partners / exes. What's intriguing is that with the HM, they want to be in your life but they also feel like things aren't going as planned. You date the opposite of you. You're the wild girl/guy who will do a hand stand at a party whereas your partner is just nursing a drink or at home ready to take care of you after a wild night. 9oW Loyalty is a big thing for you. Just like Aries, there's a side of you that doesn't play. I love this side of Gemini. You put in the time to make friendships and relationships work. You don't play.

OC: Cycles "Fate. Karma. Something ending, something beginning". New job, relocating, new relationship, coming together with a family, or adapting to a new lifestyle. Distance "You and your partner may be physically or emotionally distant."....Work related? Gambling +Intuition, you need to pay attention to the problem you have whether its addiction, gambling, or bad finances.

Song: Take Your Sweet Time - Jesse McCartney

CANCER (Jun 21 - July22): Financial Income: QoS + Knight of Cups + 6oC + WOF (R) + 5oP = You're very responsible. You have a payment plan made. You don't mind helping others put together a breakdown of payments. What can stay and can be let go. KoC I was going to say you're responsible due to past financial issues, so this is confirmation. Yeah you were stuck and you or someone helped you get out of it and now you know how to help yourself out of certain issues. You're always looking for ways to make sure that doesn't happen again.

6oC "gift or donation" "sharing resources". You might be moving back home or your home state/country in order to save up on funds before venturing out or buy/renting a home or family (like sister, brother, or cousin) is moving in with you and they help with rent. WOF (R) Things will change. Have some cash put into your saving account. Just a small emergency fund. Something is gonna happen and make you nervous. Its probably not even your fault, but you might feel like it is.

5oP "tight finances" "debt" You might be tight after paying off bills or a student loan. You might even give someone a loan and they refuse to give you back the money. You might be nervous to ask someone for help. Yeah, put together an emergency fund. Have some money off to the side saved up just incase.

Song: Pretty Peggy - Wolfmother

LEO (July 23- Aug 22): Relationship: 7oW + Lover (R) + 10oW (R) = You're very into the person. You're fighting for this relationship. There are going to be people who disagree with this relationship, but you don't care. You're going to try to make this person your "forever" person. Even if you bump heads, you still want this person. Lovers (R) Well now I know why I got the obsessed oracle card. This relationship is one sided. You're both fighting but someone is "obsessed" and sees you / them as someone as a important figure in their life. Someone (whether it be you or the person) is afraid of getting hurt.

All I can think about is you know how girls are like "I can change him" in this circumstance you can't.

10oW (R) You bond over past baggage. You think this person can help you with your burden and vice versa. There's something hot and intense about this relationship. I think its time to let this person go.

OC: Obsessed "It's not my fault you can't get me off your mind"

Song: Broken Clocks - SZA

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept22): Hopes and Fears: 10oC + King of Pent + 9oC = Hopes: You want happiness, emotionally fulfillment. You know all positive vibes. KoP Stability. 9oC you will be rewarded in the end. This doesn't have to mean wealth, it could be that you got tickets to a concert or you passed a class.

Fears: Things not going your way. Lets say you and your friend had a fight, and unfortunately it was so bad you lost a friendship that you felt should have lasted a long time. "Money isn't everything" like it pays bills, you can treat yourself, but at the same time don't lose the value of wealth. The things we want the most, might not make us happy.

OC: Vacation + Gambling = You're about to travel soon, be wary of addictions being an issue. Bad finances.

[tenebrius-excellium]

Personal progress in life (long and mixed) below :) ↓ It's really mixed now lol O_O. No longer bad! Can't believe myself sometimes. But do beware the mixed.

Hiii. Today it's at this point where it's a sunny Saturday and I could easily do nice Things (and I'm going to, don't worry) but for the moment I'm still sitting around not doing anything much because. I just scrolled past a wonderful woman on social media who happily described just how easily she is able to do stuff without depression now and just how much she gets accomplished before 8am in the morning and I got massive wiplash from that cuz. Yeah. Yes. Can relate. It really is like that. It's surprising just how light everything gets when there's not a crushing weight of pressure and anxiety bearing on your soul. A weight that normal people don't feel at all and get the luxury to call lazy. And it's still petrifying.

Cuz like. There were two crucial momentums of change that drastically improved my life in a way where it now definitely feels livable.

One was emotional and one was physical. The one was about finally contacting my bio family. Things just radically clicked into place. The other was about discovering and treating my dangerous-level iron deficiency.

I feel good, y'all. The family thing just gave me so much peace and quiet on the inside. It's called a proper identity. Knowing who you are. The iron support is what gets me up at 8am now instead of the old 11:30. I'm in less female pain and my body feels more strong and stable. I'm less cold. I'm bristling with so much energy that it actually feels uncomfortable because I was used to sleeping so much more. I get up at 8 now, but I easily could do 6 now if I chose so. I did that. Last weekend. Without coffee. I did not need an afternoon nap. I could have gone til past midnight. It feels super awkward to not be tired, because I don't dare spend all that energy yet. It feels fake.

(And the craziest thing? I'm still iron deficient. Just getting a little better made that much of a difference.)

People in the social media lady's comments claimed "maniac phase". No. Sometimes, you really push the right button and things click into the places where they're supposed to be. Sometimes you get that eureka moment, and everything changes for the better longterm.

It's just... I know that there's another button that I need to find and push to truly achieve the ability to steer the course of my own life. I believe it's another emotional one, and I do NOT look forward to dealing with that. I don't really know how to, anyway. The other two moments didn't happen out of rational decisions that were made upon observation of what was wrong with me. It was desperation both times that drove me to the solution. I did not have the strength or the courage for either, it was pure desperation and this 'fuck it I might as well fuck it up even more' mentality (sorry for language).

So right now I'm back in this sort of frenzy where I don't want to deal with stuff but I HAVE to because all that's left is the financial part. And I need to grow up. I'm completely frozen in that area; can't hold down a job for a DAY without thinking about a breakdown. I don't know exactly what this is tied to, and I want to be done searching so badly. But what if I am done. And what if I don't like what I found?

My point is, I guess, that I'm doing pretty amazing (yay!) :) but at the same time, I'm sort of staring blank at the year-long struggles that it always takes to get to those eureka moments. It's traumatizing in its own way to think that the solution could have been there all this time. It's frustrating to humiliate myself over and over in front of people who expect me to get better "because I'm an adult" but don't think it necessary to help me "because it's not their responsibility". I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed. I'm not ready to go the step that I likely need to take, mostly because I don't want to look weak in front of those people who "told me so" but never stepped in to help. Also partly because I'm afraid that I'll mess it up even more (same fear as the last two times). Partly because I had values and they didn't hold. My faith is in shambles. I don't attend Church anymore. I feel God in close proximity, but I feel my humanity as being a distinctly different creature than "spirit-breathed" more than ever before. I am soil. I am earth. I am a separate thing. I used to be so detached from my body that I didn't feel that. Now I do.

Point is, maybe I don't want to get better right now, maybe I want to enjoy what I have and no longer work on myself. But that means I'll be broke in approximately 10 days or so cuz the finance thing is still a black hole of can't-do. I have savings for one month but I need to restock on clothes and simply...want to want more, too. I would actually like to expand on almost everything in my life right now instead of being barely floating. Anyway. I'm waiting to hear back from an employer rn (heard No from another). Don't really have the guts to apply for more jobs because I would simply be lying to them about my ability. Would promise big things, then quit after three months. It's happened before. Can't do that to them.

Why am I sharing this here, again? Ah well. Gets it out of the system. I don't know how to pray right now. Let's call this a prayer, then.

To be fair, being unpunctual and barely standing on a job are factors that used to be issues that have now been happily solved through the physical recovery! So taking a job might not be as bad as it used to be! However, I'm more worried about my mind at the moment.

If I miiiiight really be hitting rock bottom financially, I guess I'm preemptively asking for some help as well? If things really got super bad, which I would send another notification about, would some people be hypothetically willing to donate when the time comes? I did this once before in 2020 I think, and it was about 50€. This time, it would be about 300€. But it would be a one-time thing. I wouldn't ask for help on here twice. Just a preemptive thought. Don't do anything that is not on your heart. I'm trying to prepare through other means, of course, to avoid the plunge into red numbers. Anywho. Yeah. Not a definitive thing yet. But it might become one. Just saying.

If you read all the way down here, you must really care about me. Thanks A LOT. This has helped to get my thoughts out, and I'm glad to share my general improvements with you. If I used to share my deepest, darkest moments on here, here's to the stony but steady climb up into the sunlight, and cheers to the huge improvements that have already taken place :) Thanks for walking with me!

Love

Reddie

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen, i just followed you and this is really random but ive seen some of your posts helping younger people and it really struck a cord and i need to just let the words fall out of me.

ive been having issues with my girlfriend she cheated on me but this situation is very complicated and we're both fucked up people but i know she still loves me and i really love her. but my anxiety and our lack of communication is really bad right now and im so worried she might not love me the same anymore

ontop of this im 18 and for the past id say 5ish years my mental health and family life has been getting worse, getting diagnosis is hard especially with mentally ill and just overall bad parents that somehow dont understand or believe. i know im deppresed and have been i have anxiety, sever paranoia maybe bpd and bipolar and autism and everything is just so much. now the one person i had is something thats making everything hurt more and i just don't know where to go, im trying to get help but its so slow in this country and i feel so lost and tired i barely eat now and when i do its ether rare or unhealthy and everything is so much i want to collapse.

i hope this isn't to much to randomly send anonymously but you just seem really kind and helpful. thank u for your reply if you do

HI and please accept my apologies for the delay on answering this. I am sorry you are going through so much. My kids are adopted from foster care and I had many kids in my home for up to 5 years who eventually went back home. That is to say I have a lot of experience with mental illness, the systems that treat them, trauma and kids who came from unstable home lives.

At the ripe old age of 18 you have plenty of time to find love and contentment but right now might not be the time. I understand there might be odd circumstances that caused your girlfriend to cheat on you. If you feel betrayed and lost trust that is a feeling that is next to impossible to overcome for people with no comorbidities let alone a teen trying to figure herself out and deal with navigating the broken mental health/care system.

It is actually quite normal for young love to change and get redefined into friendship even when the circumstance are the best. Her cheating on you might very well be a sign that your relationship is in flux and not what you thought it was. A romance that has run its course is not a failure, relationships do not have to last forever to be important and real and worth having had.

It might be scary to think of not being with her, of not having your "one" person that you can count on but I do believe you can get farther working on yourself if you put time and energy into you and not dividing it up between you and her.

There is a lot of precedent set for women to set aside their romance and intimacy in order to be just friends while one or both does some work on herself. Sometimes it is necessary to stay involved for emotional support or financial support, that is just the reality of our world. Living single can be very difficult.

Please consider letting go of the relationship in its current form and putting your energy of yourself. Letting go of the stress of trying to repair what you had with her will remove so much pressure from you and from her that you will feel much more ready to tackle your mental state.

I promise. You are not a failure, she is not "the bad guy" in this story. Take all the wonderful things you shared with her keep those with you when you want a reminder that it loving her was worth your time even if it didn't end like you planned.

Seek mental health help but starting small. A therapist can help you begin to talk through things and often she can help you find additional resources like a medical Dr, public subsidies for insurance or free clinics to assist you in getting medication and mental health support. Most counties have a social services office and those employees are a wealth of information.

[starblazes]

🔥give me salt

( let me air out my unpopular opinions / accepting !! )

this is going to actually piggyback off of something @iniziare talked about because it was such a good reminder. but i think people are entirely too comfortable in giving away information about themselves. i don't think a lot of us, myself included, realise how much of ourselves we actually put online over a period of time and it's so, so dangerous. i'm an early millennial, so i didn't even have access to the internet until i was in school and, even then, we were always taught from the very beginning the importance of 'stranger danger' and internet safety. i feel like over time that has gone away to such an extent that we have become too comfortable and too reliant on using the internet as a vocal platform for things that it should not be used for.

i'm talking about personal information, personal grievances, things that you think are harmless but over time become puzzle pieces of your life. things that, given a little digging, someone can easily use to locate you. and to tie-in what iniziare was saying, yes, you can make wonderful friends on tumblr. some of them can be life-long friendships, even! but also, not everyone you talk to on tumblr is your friend. there's a difference between being friendly and being friends. everyone you divulge information to, especially of the mental, financial or physical variety, may not be equipped to handle it or may not have your best interests at heart. we have turned our online relationships with, frankly speaking, strangers, into therapy sessions and therapists, sounding boards and vent journals.

back in my early tumblr rp days, i ended up receiving an anonymous letter in the mail at my physical address from a "secret admirer" who had pieced together my legal name and address based on little things i had posted over a period of years. that was terrifying. they only lived an hour from me and to this day, i shudder to think what could have happened if they had shown up at my house. and though, luckily, nothing bad ever did come of it, that is literally the premise of so many internet horror stories.

the worst part was, they weren't even from tumblr. they had stumbled upon my blog through a google search and happened to see a picture i had posted of myself on one of my blogs for munday. there's a reason you will not find me posting selfies on munday anymore, and this is exactly why. my privacy is my peace and i wish more people remembered that their privacy is theirs too, especially in an age where we willingly, and sometimes, demand so much of each other on social media. the paypal links with your full government name you used to try to make bills and get groceries, the google docs for your blogs attached to a google account with your personal information... anyone, regardless if they are on tumblr or not, can stumble upon that through the right google search.

you do not need to divulge your traumas to anyone. you do not need to air out your entire ancestral background, your location, your exact age (a range is fine, if you must divulge it), you do not need to make a laundry list of your medical and psychological conditions. normalise protecting yourselves again. normalise respecting people's boundaries. normalise respecting and protecting each other's peace.

[truceisawordmadeofvelvet]

Gonna dump this stream of consciousness here…. If you read this, you are a gem. I love all of you beautiful souls on here and want to start sharing more personal content…

I had the best weekend visiting a beloved friend in NYC who I hadn’t seen in 2 years. She is one of the coolest and most beautiful people I have ever met, and I miss her a lot of the time. We roomed together in college. As a pretty extreme introvert, it was such a gift to live with someone whose presence was actually as welcome and comfortable to me as my own usually is.

She stayed by my side during a season where I lost so many friendships I had cherished during a dark period of my life around the pandemic, where I had strayed so far from my deepest values. Out of every poor decision I’ve ever made, one that I made that year is something I’d do anything to take back. I will always be grateful for her loyalty and (undeserved) grace.

She is one of the most forgiving, open-hearted people I know. Fun, bright, driven, generous, caring, creative, confident, up-to-the-minute, adventurous, independent, gorgeous, and cool… It’s a weird thing to say about my best friend for whom I’ve only ever felt profound respect and platonic love for, but I would love to have a partner or wife like her one day.

I finally came out to her this weekend, and she was so supportive. We went to a lesbian bar (my first time at one), had an amazing time (didn’t expect people to hit on me because I’m so femme I look straight & felt ecstatic when some breathtaking women did!), and stayed out all night. I live in the burbs, and I sometimes wonder how my life would be in a city.

I ended up drinking alcohol for the first time in 3 years, 2 months, and 20 days. I don’t regret either long-term sobriety or choosing to end it. I’d never go back to daily drinking, and while I definitely had a problem, I refrained for long enough to limit it to social occasions now (which are almost never for me, lol). Drinking is fun for a night, but being sober is so life-giving.

I see the AA mentality (once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic) as offensively limited, deterministic, and dualistic. There is a lot more nuance with human behavior, so I believe finding balance is possible in most cases.

I know this is getting long, but I think part of the reason M is in my life is to open my heart. I have so much fear-based guardedness & my life is so damn comfortable (living at home… as thankful as I will always be for my parents’ generosity, I miss out on a lot). She reminds me that there’s a whole world beyond my small bubble and that some risks are worth it.

She was raised in another country, and she’ll get married soon- there for sure and hopefully here, too. Traveling is not my thing (Saturn in the 3rd house makes travel tough for me… I know that’s more about short-distance, but long-distance is unappealing to me, too). Yet, we shook on it that I’d do it for her. There’s no one else I would consider leaving US soil for, lol.

Anyway, I’ll be 30 in October and need to think hard about where I want to be in 5 years. I am terrified of becoming more independent (my phobia of driving on highways and such & apprehensions about living alone in some city), but I know I’ll finally have the financial capacity to do so after grad school. I’m considering moving to a city then…