#WHO said that was okay ! if it reads silly don’t tell me idek what i was doing. just stringing words together at random really!

[loverscrossmp3]

lily’s learned many lessons in seventeen years. the first is this: no one is coming to save you. you have to do it all yourself.

READ ON AO3

[lofitowns]

with love, your secret admirer

“ YOU MUST HAVE A HONEYCOMB FOR A HEART, HOW ELSE COULD A MAN BE THIS SWEET “

pairing. hitoshi shinso x gn! reader

wc. 1.5k

summary. in which you finally confront him about the letters left on your desk (fluffvember 4/15)

an. the way i’m just kinda,,, ignoring my schedule. also ngl this one wasn’t really proofread just because i can’t tell if i like it (is this even good?? idek 😭 )

    + taglist is in the comments

    It started two weeks ago. It was the third week of a new semester, and letters had begun appearing on your desk. Every other day, a sealed envelope would be waiting for you when you made it to class. There was never a name, only sweet words written with love and care.

    It confused you, of course, who would be writing letters like this? Especially for you. You didn’t think you were all that special, but apparently, this person thought differently.

    You desperately wanted to know who it was. You felt like you would burst if you didn’t find out soon, especially after receiving a total of five letters so far.

    But, things were a bit complicated. This semester, your class welcomed a new member. Hitoshi Shinso was moved from the general studies class up to class 1-A.

    Although he claimed he wasn’t there to make any friends, he seemed to integrate very well. It wasn’t hard for Kaminari to convince him to hang around with your group of friends.

    There was something about him that just drew you in. For one, he was undeniably handsome. It made your heart pound whenever you looked at him. He was witty and smart, and it was clear he cared for you all. That was the beginning of your silly little crush.

    But you realized it might be a little far fetched to believe your feelings would be reciprocated. Which was why you decided you would try and find out who was sending you these letters. It seemed like this person genuinely liked you. They noticed small things about you that you hadn’t even realized.

    Ashido and Kanimari thought it was the most romantic thing they had ever seen. They were even a bit jealous that they had never received any. They were the ones that convinced you to try and find out who was sending them.

    They claimed that if you got there early enough, you could catch your secret admirer in the act. You weren’t opposed to the idea, so on the fourth Monday of your new semester, you got up early to set your plan into action.

    You were beyond groggy that morning, having to wake up at a seemingly ungodly hour. As soon as the doors to the school opened, you snuck up to your classroom. You slid into your seat, planning on waiting for them to arrive, letter in hand.

    Apparently, that wasn’t happening, though, because you were jolted awake by someone shaking your shoulder. Your eyes snapped open, coming face to face with your pink friend.

    “(y/n)! You fell asleep! That ruined the whole plan!” She whined, motioning towards the letter sitting on your desk.

    You turned your attention to the note and your already filled classroom. Well, that was no help; they had dropped the letter right under your nose. A pout tugged on your features as a sigh fell past your lips. Of course, you had fallen back asleep.

    “Well, open it!” She squealed, catching the attention of Kaminari, Kirishima, and Sero. The three boys made their way to surround you, each with curious eyes.

    Your fingers slowly tore the flap up and pulled the piece of notebook paper out. You chewed at your lip as you began to take in the words.

    Dear (y/n),

    I wanted to thank you. Thank you for letting me into your life. Thank you for letting me be your friend. Your kindness means the world to me, and there aren’t enough words to convey how much I adore you.

    You’re on my mind more often than not. It’s getting kind of frustrating if I’m being honest. You’re the sun, and I don’t think you know how brightly you shine.

    I want you to know how appreciated you are. How I’m proud of you. How everything is going to be okay. You tear yourself down more than you should. You don’t deserve that.

    I hope these letters are showing you how special you are. That’s really what I’m trying to get across. I’m not sure how to tell you in person because every time I try you give me that smile, and my tongue feels heavy,

    You’re trying to catch me now, right? That’s what I heard, at least. A part of me wants you to find out, it would be easier, wouldn’t it? I’d finally be able to see if I meant anything to you. But I’m also scared. I don’t want to freak you out or anything.

    Remember to eat three meals a day and drink your water. Try your best to go to sleep on time and not stress yourself out. I hope you have an amazing week.

    With love,

    Your secret admirer

    Your heart was pounding in your chest. The feeling you got after you read the letters was incomparable. They sounded so genuine, and no one had ever talked to you like that before.

    “Whoa... It seems like they really like you, (y/n),” Kirishima sighed with a dazed look on his face.

    You nodded in agreement while heat crept up your cheeks, “I just wish I knew who it was...”

    The day went on like normal, classes and training. In the evening, everyone gathered around the dorm tables to eat dinner. And you went through your classes the next day as well, patiently waiting for your next letter.

    That night at dinner, you grabbed your plate and seated yourself between Sero and Shinso. The latter had a few papers spread in front of him with furrowed eyebrows. It looked to be the English homework you were assigned earlier.

    “Hey, do you need help?” You questioned, trying to look over the purple-haired boy’s shoulder.

    As quick as he could, he shielded his papers while his eyes grew to the size of saucers. “No!”

    You furrowed your eyebrows as you looked at the boy’s flushed cheeks, “Um, okay? Sorry.”

    He began shaking his head, “Oh, wait, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Shinso still hadn’t moved his hands away from the paper, eyes never settling on you. “I’m okay. I don’t need help.”

    “Okay, well, if you do, you can ask me!” You sent the boy a smile before turning back to your food. What interested you though, was the peak of handwriting you had seen. The loops and curves seemed identical to the ones in the notes that had been placed on your desk.

    When Shinso eventually excused himself to go to his room, you followed after him. Thinking that maybe, maybe, he could be the one sending you these messages. You were more hopeful than you wanted to be, but you didn’t want to jump to a wrong conclusion.

    You knocked on the door to his dorm with a hesitant hand, chewing at your bottom lip in a fit of nerves.

    The boy pulled the door open, appearing in front of you wearing sweats and a t-shirt. His eyes widened from their previously lidded state. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before stepping to the side, allowing you entry to his room.

    The two of you stood in front of each other in his room for a few silent moments until you finally spoke, “Is it you?”

    You heard him curse under his breath, eyes leaving your face to stare at his slippers. He brought a hand up to rub the back of his neck, chuckling and nodding. “I guess you caught me, huh.”

    The breath you had been taking in hitched in your throat. You felt it tighten, and there was a violent fluttering in your stomach. The words that tried to come out of your mouth died on their way out.

    “Look, I know we haven’t known each other for long. It’s kind of pathetic to send you letters, huh. I get it though, you don’t like me back,” He paused to look at you before continuing. “That’s alright, but I meant what I said in them. I hope you know that.”

    You were at a loss for words. Shinso had been the one saying all those nice things about you? Looking back on it now, it seemed to be obvious. They had only started when he joined your class, and he always seemed to get nervous in your presence.

    A breathy laugh fell from your lips as you took a step towards him, “Really? They were really from you?”

    The boy in front of you nodded, taking a step towards you as well.

    You gathered up all the courage you could before looking him in the face and asking, “Can I kiss you?”

    Shinso tried to keep a calm facade, but the darkening of his blush wasn’t very convincing. He nodded while reaching his hand out to take your face in his palm. You made eye contact for a few seconds before he let his lips ghost against yours.

    All his written words flashed in your memory causing you to pull him closer. The barely-there kiss was broken when he pressed his forehead to yours, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

    “I think you are so, so amazing, (y/n).”

    You looked at him with adoration filled eyes and the softest smile as you replied.

    “I think you are so, so amazing too, Shinso.”

    thank you for reading :) have a good day!

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

Grace Heals 01: How Did You Betray Simon?

This is dedicated to the growth and wellness of Grace Monroe. I hadn’t seen much fic content for where Grace may go next that wasn’t centered around “fixing” the series. I don’t feel like it needs fixing, but just wanted to venture where I’d love to see Grace go and be as she works on things after we last see her in Book 3. So, everything that was canon precedes this story that I’ve began for my beloved baby girl @pearlseleganciess and my sister @andromidagalaxie (I cannot tag you sis, I don’t understand why, so I’m sorry, but this goes out to you). @i-am-a-passenger Idek if you wanna read it, but it seems like something we’d be on about in the messages, so I’m tagging you at least to this one to see how you feel.

“How did you betray Simon?”

Grace had been standing there for a while, after having had every denizen plaything brought to her so that she could try to see if they could be mended. She was taking a break whenever Lucy’s voice rescued her from her thoughts, but it took her a moment to try to process the question. “How did I, or why did I? We have to get in the habit of clarifying our questions before giving our answers, so that we know what we’re saying. That way… There are no misunderstandings and if anybody is hurt, it’s not because we lied to them.”

“Is that how it happened? You were unclear when you lied to him?” Lucy sounded a little disappointed in that thought.

“No. I was clear. I deliberately lied. I thought that I was doing what was best, and I stand by it. But… I get that… maybe if Simon and I could’ve been clearer sooner, understood each other more instead of just leaning into what we thought we needed… Maybe I wouldn’t have felt like I needed to lie to protect Hazel. Maybe we would’ve been better for each other. Maybe we wouldn’t have misguided so many kids that I genuinely wanted to help in the same way that I thought I was helping Simon…” 

Lucy picked up Simon’s book and began scribbling in it. “If we’re going to change our language, maybe I should edit out every usage of the N word.” Grace appreciated that she took the liberty of doing so on her own, instead of looking to her for permission. “Replace the Null of Dissention with… The Denizen of… Repentance?… No. That’s too long. I’ll just put H.. was it Hazel?” Grace’s eyes welled with tears and Lucy’s good eye noted it. She nodded once, “It was Hazel,” she said, going through to edit. 

She stared at the book for a while longer, then finally said, “I meant how. How did you betray Simon? I didn’t know him as long as you did, and I didn’t like him as much as you did, but it was still really hard for me not to listen to him. Even when what he said sounded wrong. What he said about you didn’t sound like you. But, I believed him. I trusted him. How did you figure out how to not trust him? How did you decide not to follow the king?” Lucy looked shaky, regretful. She was asking for instructions, not for Grace to explain herself. 

Still, Grace had to be certain, just like she promised, to be clear about the conversations she had with others and to answer them to the best of her knowledge. She couldn’t be a know-it-all anymore. She had to just be honest and straightforward, even when she didn’t know, and do her best to understand what was being asked of her, instead of presuming. “Lucy… Are you asking me this as a way to help you figure out how to learn to stick up for yourself?”

“I want to be brave enough to overthrow an unfit leader. Simon was an unfit leader. A lot of us had to have known. I couldn’t be the only one who didn’t like... the changes…”

Grace sighed and nodded her head. She sat down, legs sprawled and rested her elbows on her knees as she thought, “Well… I think that first and foremost, the important thing to understand is that even if you were the only one who didn’t like it, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with not thinking like everyone else. There’s nothing wrong with thinking for yourself and having a different opinion than other people. The problem isn’t in our opinions, but our actions. Whenever I… realized that I cared about Hazel, I knew that Simon had a different opinion, but… my actions. I wanted so much to keep what I had with Simon, to keep our peace, to keep him happy, I hurt a little girl that thought I cared about her. I couldn’t take that back.”

“We were going to wheel you… Can… can we not take that back?” Lucy asked, worried.

“The good news is that I made it. I know how it feels to let down a friend and to hurt them, and I never want to make you feel that way. As long as we’re both still here, there is time to change, and time to talk it out. So, to answer your question, we can’t undo what we’ve already done, but we can use what we learn from what we did wrong to do better in the future.”

“But… Do you hate us? Doesn’t some part of you hate us, like Simon hated you when you betrayed him?” Lucy was now losing her tough exterior and clenching the book tightly.

Grace reached out and touched her shoulder. She loosened up and Grace took the book from her and tossed it aside to hold both of her hands.

“I could never hate you, Lucy. You and me, we’ve gone through something together that has forever changed us. I’m really glad that you have a better chance now.”

Lucy shook her head and started crying, “But, what if we had wheeled you? What if we had wheeled you like all of those nulls that we’ve wheeled, and now have to think about how wrong it was for us to do that to them? What if we had to think about that too? About having done it to you?”

“You didn’t! You didn’t!” Grace said, trying to calm her. 

She reached for a hug, but Lucy resisted and shook her head. “I called you a void. I knew that it didn’t seem right, but I still listened to Simon. You should be throwing me to the wheels.”

Grace clasped her hands together and sputtered out a breath. “Nobody should be thrown to the wheels. Believe it or not, I wouldn’t have even wanted that for Simon. I loved him more than I can put into words. From the first time I saw that I needed to protect him, that’s… just what I did. It was nice, to be needed. It was nice to have someone see me and see the best,” Tears were in Grace’s eyes now, “And it was so hard to have him see me and see the worst. For a moment, I even thought that I deserved it. I thought, what I’m guessing you’re thinking, that because I did something to hurt him, maybe I had to do more to help him.”

“You told him a stupid lie and he tried to kill you. I feel like that’s an overreaction,” Lucy complained. “He failed us.”

“No, Lucy. We failed you. He’s just the one who didn’t live to fix it.”

“Shouldn’t all fall on you,” Lucy said and kicked Simon’s book off the table.

“And, it doesn’t. Remember, we’re doing this together. I can try to help you, but I can’t fix everything. But, you have me here and I’m telling you the truth when I say that you deserve to get to change. Everybody does.”

“Then, why can’t everybody change? Why couldn’t Simon?”

Grace shook her head and blinked away more stinging tears, “I can’t answer for Simon, but maybe a part of life continuing is not having an answer for everything. Maybe… we’ll all do our best to find answers that are good and sound, because we saw how… badly it could end… if we’re not willing to see any other ways but our own.  I know I'm willing to give it my best shot." Lucy nodded her head and finally was ready for a hug. Grace squeezed her tightly, thinking of Hazel, but not wanting to equate Lucy and Hazel. They were both two very different little girls. She had regrets about Hazel, but she had also come to terms with that mentally. Maybe she would see her again, but probably not and she couldn’t equate every kid she knew with Hazel; just like she shouldn’t have equated every kid she met with a sad short boy in socks and sandals.

But, she was never going to stop loving either of them. That was just… How she was. People didn’t get close to her and the ones who had… Well, she was going to have to learn how to let other people get close too. It would take some of these kids a long time to trust this new evolution of hers, but most of them wanted to. 

Lucy had wanted to. “Umm… Grace?”

“Yes, Lucy?”

“Can… you stop hugging me. It’s getting a little uncomfortable.” Grace quickly let go and placed her hand on the back of her neck, laughing. Lucy just smiled at her, almost like you would some poor silly fool. “Thank you for clearing it up,” Lucy said and picked up Simon’s book off of the floor. “On second thought, I don’t think we need this. I’m gonna wheel it,” Lucy said. Grace wanted to stop her, for sentimental reasons, but… None of the other kids touched Simon’s things. There would be something that she could hold on to, whenever she had the nerve to go in there. That book… it was probably filled with things that she never wanted to think about, with all the parts of Simon that she didn’t quite notice until she started changing. 

“Lucy!” She called after her, realizing that she had never answered her question. The girl stopped, panicked for a moment, thinking that maybe she had done something wrong. “I changed. That’s how I betrayed him. I became a person that valued something more than I valued what we had, what we built.”

“But… you built something that was bad,” Lucy said. Grace nodded. “So, you changed into someone good.”

“I changed into someone who was thinking from a good place. I don’t know if I feel comfortable saying that I became good.”

“I feel comfortable saying it, because I have a different opinion than you, and that’s okay.” Grace smiled at Lucy as she trotted along to the door to get rid of the book. At least somebody believed that she was good.

[rynhaswritersblock]

tiktok famous (hc) - part two | p.p.

summary: a whole bunch of dif tiktoks featuring you and bae peter

warnings: chaotic energy, cussing, and BUTTERFLIES

+ + +

- i'm backkkkkkkkk

- so y'all really enjoyed the last tiktok imagine

- and you wanted another

- SO HERE WE GO BABYYYYYYYYY!!

- so basically....

- (just enjoy it)

- i got a lot of tiktok related comments and requests and i hope i remember them all

- (big boobs? whew chile) ANYWAYS SO:

- like pretty much none of them link together so this hc is going to be split into sections of like... blurbs!!

- yayayayayaya

- this one is inspired by @drecming

- so i think most of us know this very special sound..

- ...

- CAN'T TAKE BIG DICK BUT I SUCK ON IT

- y eah

- so as per usual

- you and peter b chillin

- they really do b vibin doe

- OH BY THE WAY

- y'all are dating in this situation :)))))))))

- and as you're binge watching your favorite show you can't stop doing the hand motions to that friggin dance

- aka the epidemic of generation z

- i keep doing the sugar by brockhampton dance i literally can't stop it's fine

- and thank god peter somehow doesn't notice

- like your movements are so subtle but you deadass keep doing it like once per minute

- and so you get up

- like "fuck this, man. if it's stuck in my head i'm at least gonna make a tiktok"

- and so you set it up

- peter's still on the couch in the background

- this boy STILL doesn't really notice what you're doing

- to be fair hsmtmts is a very enticing show ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

- but as soon as the audio plays peter recognizes it

- his head WHIPS over to you

can't take big dick but i suck on it

- he raises an eyebrow at you

i ain't fucking with the pussy, got a bump on it

- *eyebrow raise intensifies*

bad bitch put the pussy on me (on me)

- he sits up, watching as your hips roll (oh man)

whip out my dick then i hump on it

- he slightly cringes at the lyrics me too peter

i'm a bad ass bitch, what you lookin at?

- your butt

ima throw that-

- "oH NO YOU DON'T!" he yells, slight smile on his face as he swiftly shoots a web at you, the string wrapping around your waist and spinning you to him

- the song continues to play as you snort, wheezing as he balances you

- the video finishes and you raise your eyebrows at him

- "no throwing it back on camera," he says pointedly

- you tilt your head in a way that screams peter i love you but you and i both know that i can do what i wanna do and over-protectiveness can be toxic

- he sighs

- "okay, you can, but i'd like it better if it were just for me"

...

- HAHAHAHA

- okay NEXT ONE

- this next one is inspired by @ritxal

- in this one you can choose your relationship

- so peter is a natural born softboy

- he didn't choose the softboy life, the softboy life chose him

- but here's the thing

- it was friday night

- you were bored

- and you decided

- it was time for a change

- and so you approached the man

- who happened to be upside down

- because when is he not

- and, ignoring his protests, gave him an e-boy makeover

- poor peter was decked the fuck out

- striped long sleeve

- band tee

- black ripped jeans wITH THE CHAIN

- nike socks and af1s

- beanie

- and most importantly

- black nails and a little black heart under his left eye

- just picture it p lease

- and it his transformation was posted on your account to forever embarrass him

- and you lowkey found this look a lil wee bit ATTRACTIVE

- whatever

- okey this one's for you @lilmissquackson !!!!!!!

- y'all ever seen the without me (halsey) ones??

- ye

- even if you haven't you'll still get it lol

- so you're in class

- learning about sokovia because history and shit

- and, bored as hecc, you decide to whip out your phone and copy this video you'd seen

- you begin filming and place your right hand on top of peter's left (yay classmates!! sitting next to each other WHOOP!)

- his gaze is hard on his paper as he continues to scribble down notes

- you turn the camera to him for a bit and you're like yes perfect

- and then you return the camera and pull your hand away

- and he REACHES OVER AND TAKES YOUR HAND BACK

- AND YOU'RE LIKE  Y E S

- IT WORKED OUT

- PLUS HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW AND HE'S SO CUTE

- you put the phone down, smiling, adjusting your hand a little before you realize you can't take notes anymore because your hand is occupied and using your left hand just aint it period (a/n: im so sorry if any of y'all are left handed lol but pretend y'all are in opposite positions so he has your left hand haha)

- and it's then that he looks at you

- and if his eyes don't make you MELT

- okay i'm sorry that last one was mediocre but you get the point

- alright so like in this process of writing this i've been struggling a bit with details and stuff and making it sound good and funny so they're gonna be short and sweet bc i literally don't know What To Do :)))))))))))))))))

- back to your regularly scheduled programming hell yeah

- this one's for you, @drecming

- back at it again with the ideas!!!! fuck yes!!!

- okay SO

- you seen those "i'm on my savage shit" ones?

- where the guys hand is on the girl's thigh (OR IF YOU'RE A DUDE READING THIS JUST STILL IMAGINE YOUR OWN LEG I TRY TO KEEP THIS GENDER NEUTRAL BUT I FORGET AND PLUS RN IM JUST EXPLAINING THE TIKTOK KJSDBVIBUV) and then she pulls her leg away and the music is like

iM oN mY sAvAgE sHiT

- anyways

- peter's hand is just vibing on your leg

- for you dirty minded folks no it's not vibrating or doing all that janky shit we're children of god here

- says the one who just said the s word OOPS

- and you, as per usual, pull up the sound and start recording

- peter hears the music and is like Huh????

- and then you pull your leg away, grinning at him cheekily before he grabs you, phone flying out of your hand and he pulls you into his lap

"my thigh"

- you give him a look like excuse me sir hUh

- and his face is just like

0_0

- before he smiles at you and laughs and says he's kidding

- but then he stops laughing

...

- and raises an eyebrow

- WOAHHHHHHHH SPICY

- zooooweeeeemamaaaaaaa

- aight moving on

- THE NEXT ONES ARE INSPIRED BY YOURS TRULY!! YAY ME FOR HAVING IDEAS FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE!!!!

- so i'm sure you and like everyone @ your school (if you're in school.. lol) is familiar with this one

- i'm just gonna let y'all experience it idk why i've been telling the tiktok before idek sajbsidvb

- so you're in class right

- doing nothing bc your teacher sucks :////

- but its fine bc it's a fun class

- so you set up your phone with you and peter in the screen and start recording

- peter looks at the phone and then you, confused

"hey, stop!" you say in a whiny voice

- mans is like Uhhhhh what did i Do

"stop! omg peter sTop!" you're smiling at him

- he's so confused

- and then as you're talking

- your voice suddenly lowers into your lower register

"stop!! peter stop it- I SAID STOP."

- his eyes widen and a confused smile is on his face as he jumps back slightly

"YOU KEEP PLAYING *smacks your hand on the table* TOO DAMN MUCH."

- the video stops and you and peter are just silent for a second before busting out laughing

"you've never seen those?"

"no????"

"god peter, you live under a rock"

- the duck walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand: hey! bonk bonk bonk got any grapes?

- sorry i randomly thought of that

- okay NEXT

- this is the one that hits different

- gets you in your FEELS

- DAMN

- we all know peter's a gamerboy

- so he's just chilling playing minecraft on the xbox or something

- what a fuckin nerd

- jk minecraft slaps so hard

- anyways

- as per usual, you set up the camera and start filming

- and you

- i think you know what i'm talkin about

- you slip underneath his arms

- and start crawling into his lap

- and the SECOND he registers what's going on he fucking YEETS the controller behind him and wraps his arms around you

- and when i say yeets

- i mean like

- ZOOM

- you bury your arm in the crook of his neck and you feel him physically relax under you (heartbeat racing though of course) and hold you tighter, planting gentle kisses along your neck and shoulder

- ..

- god FUCK talk about B U T T E R F L I E S

- y'all are going to HATE ME for this one

- prepare yourselves

- so you guys are just chilling in peters room as y'all normally do

- and peter goes to the bathroom

- and like stupid adorable fuck he is

- mans left his phone on silly goose

- and of course

- we all know you can't help yourself

- so like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING

- you decide to snatch it and go look at his tiktok drafts, god knows why

- and the first one you tap

- WHEW CHILE

- your jaw drops to the floor as soon as you read the text on the video

"so apparently when a guy's chain dangles it's attractive..?"

- heart skips a beat

- hands are sweaty

- knees spaghetti

- you look up to make sure the bathroom door is still shut before you whip out your phone and start videoing

- peter is looking nervously cute into the camera before he leans out of shot,

- you know what's next

- and right as the beat drops

- he shows up, SHIRTLESS, with his cross necklace (you've only seen him wear once lmao) dangling down

- not to mention the goddamn CURLS hanging down

- and your heartbeat quickens

- ... both heartbeats...

- then fucking PETER JUST STROLLS INTO THE ROOM

- ALL INNOCENT N SHIT AS IF HE DIDN'T HAVE A VIDEO ON HIS PHONE THAT LITERALLY MADE YOU READY TO RISK IT ALL

- "why do you have my phone?"

- you've never slammed it onto the bed so fast

- "no reason"

- he raises a suspicious eyebrow before picking up his phone and unlocking it

- and the fear in his eyes when the screen opens to his video

- he looks back up at you, mouth slightly open in fear/awe/ohshitohgodohFUCK

- and you and your goddamn mouth-

- "peter, it's hot"

- and oh how the look in his eyes changed

😈

+ + +

until next time <3

[elliottcoka]

Don’t worry about reading this it’s a rant

 I shouldn’t have to wake up to harassment over a fucking tv show opinion.

Okay, so I’m making this post as if anyone cares because I don’t want to talk to myself for a giant freaking post.  It fucking SUCKS to go to bed, not worrying about the silliness of a tumblr fight since you’ve been blocked, to see that you’ve been @ in MORE of the same bullshit. I’ve had to kindly ask a follower to show me what was said or any updates on this shit because I’ve been blocked. Who blocks someone and keeps the conversation/argument going?? It got to the point that I sent the OP an ASK saying to stop harassing me. Also, what I don’t understand is the only things I ever said was that they were being hypocritical and genuine questions of why OP was so fucking pissed about a show they apparently don’t care about anymore. So let me break this shit down. It’s ridiculous. 1) First thing that happened is that rampagerobot shared his opinion on a post gassing up “Donna Noble”. Idek who the fuck that is but he thought she disgraced the show. Okay cool, an opinion. NOW let’s remind ourselves that tumblr is NOT being used for what it was supposed to be. Tumblr was meant for people in things they like (fashion, extreme sports, food critique) to join together and share their pictures/opinions on the things they had in common. If tumblr was actually being used for what it was supposed to be used for, and not shit posting, I GUARANTEE that someone would share a new haute couture spring collection and another person would say “Man, those designs are so unflattering. It’s a disgrace to the model wearing it!!” and NORMALLY people would say “Oh, I actually really like his collection. I’m sorry you don’t.” Or even ask “Why do you dislike the design??” Tumblr users have always lacked the BIGGEST, most important thing for its actual use: civility. It takes civility and looking past your own opinions and perspectives to say “I love this thing, but you don’t. Why is that?” (and no, I’m not saying we should say this to racists or phobic assholes, but if tumblr was used how it should be we probably wouldn’t run into the issues of race, lgbt stuff, or politics as frequently.)

2. The ONLY reason rampagerobot EVER fought back with petty bullshit was whenever the OP made the HUGE STRETCH of saying that he was being called a lunatic, where the op when on a rant about just how shitty rampagerobot was being. At this point, all rampage robot had said was that the op should chill (at least I think since I physically can’t see their shit any more). OP thinks that rampagerobot doesn’t have the right to tell him to chill when to rampagerobot it was a simple opinion about a show character he didn’t like. Of course, with that perspective, rampagerobot thought he should chill. Do I think any and all insults were uncalled for? YES. and this does go for all sides. Do I think things could have been de-escalated if OP took a step back, thought “Am I really going to get this upset over a tv show?” Yes. I do. Because we all have to do that sometimes. We have things that are so special to us... things that hold a precious place in our hearts where our gut reaction is to say “hey fuck you, man. don’t shit on what I love!” But it’s always important to remember to take that step back. It’s important to figure out how much someone else’s opinion (on the fucking internet lol) is going to mean to us. *little note here: that’s especially why I don't understand the insults and why the stuff I’ll cover soon was ever considered necessary.*  Now, we get into when I really fucking tried to implement what I’m talking about. When I tried to de-escalate the situation. I made a joke (shared a meme actually) hoping to lessen tension. Then I asked the OP questions similar to this. I asked why they did care, especially when they said they didn’t care about the show anymore... why the aggression was necessary... And I never got an answer. The drama continued and I felt at a loss. How do you even try to reason or end an argument with someone who disregards genuine curiosity to understand? How do you help that person find the closure they need from hearing that someone dislikes a character they love? At this point, I don’t think you can because I’ve been forced to come to the assumption that OP didn’t want closure at the time. They didn’t want to work through things. I think they wanted to be angry. The things I’ve had to learn about anger are: Anger is a strong emotion. It’s okay to feel it as long as it isn’t holding you back. Anger, being a strong emotion, is a lot to feel. It’s a lot for you to consume. Do you want to keep using your energy to feel or emit it?  I think anger consumed everyone way too much. And I don’t understand why at all.

3. This is literally the only reason I felt the need to make this post. If you skip over EVERYTHING else, please read this.  I don’t understand why after everything was over... why when both rampagerobot and I were blocked... we were still @ in these posts. I don't understand why I’ve been getting hate messages all night over this silly argument when I didn’t say anything meant to make anyone feel degraded. Like, why is this still happening to me specifically? Well, thanks to the oh so kind follower who investigated this bullshit for me, I know. Apparently, the OP and their girlfriend have been receiving hate mail themselves.  To the op and their girlfriend: I’m sorry you’re going through that. As I’m feeling now, it’s quite shitty to go through. BUT I’M NOT DOING IT.  If your other posts about harassing who’s harassing you are directed at me, please stop. I’ve had to come to the conclusion that the ONLY people that I logically feel okay thinking are at fault for my hate messages are @strawberryoverlord @themadcapmathematician and/or someone with apricot or some shit in their username idk it anymore and can’t find it soooo.  But those were the ONLY three people involved in this who seemed to care.  If it’s not you three, then whoever it is, stop. I don’t care about Dr. Who. I don’t know what a “tardis” is (for the longest time I legit thought it was a slur). And all I ever tried to do was point out ridiculousness in this shit as well as standing up for my partner.  Also, the MOST ADVOCATED thing everyone kept telling rampagerobot to do was to make his own posts. When he did, you all attacked him on there. You completely left the basis of the actual fight behind, attacking him or silly things like dick size or calling him a joke.  Where did that get anyone?? You asked us to be kind, asked us to leave your posts, and when we did we were attacked. We still are being attacked. And yet, you also thought the death threats were SOOO ridiculous to bring up... but if you guys happen to be the ones harassing us, and even if you aren’t, we’re still facing harassment. Even if harassment isn’t death threats, as tumblr should well know, it can make someone want to kill themselves. (thankfully rampage and I aren’t in that kind of mindset or that bothered when this all came from an interent post over Dr. Who lol). Whoever it is, just stop. Not even for my sake or rampagerobot’s, but for your own. I’m not sending anything to you. I don’t know or care about this show. The same goes for him.  At the end of the day, this was fucking stupid. The whole argument was a waste of everyone’s time. I ask that everyone involved remember to take a step back... walk away from the screen for a second... remember we’re all humans here (lol) and to reevaluate where their priorities stand. Do they lie in “Internet arguments”, filling that box full? Or would you actually rather do something different... ignoring the opinions that feel hateful or mean, and just enjoying the day as it was? 

[justa-mysticmess]

I was wondering if you could do an ex's to lovers thing with the RFA+V and Saeran/Unknown? Like they dated and broke up for whatever reason but started falling in love again?

hello dear anon :) it took me a while but i had fun coming up with the silliest scenarios for breakups and how they make up. i was aiming for humor because because it was unspecified. and seven’s got too angsty idek why but it happened though i posted a lighter version of it x3 i really hope this is not too far off from what you were expecting love ^^;;

Yoosung

okay. this boy honestly feels so embarrassed when he realizeswhat’s happening

especially considering the break up was totally his fault andover such a silly matter too!

he had actually prayed to thank god when mc hadn’t left the rfacompletely after yoosung had chosen his games in heated bout over mc

and now he doesn’t know what to do

before he actually confesses again to them

he’s not scared of rejection, because even if mc does it, theywill be mature about it and do it kindly

what he’s scared of is mc actually forgiving him and ending uphurting mc again

the second party after their break up is very successful andeverybody is so proud because it was the biggest they have had yet andeverything went so well

they are all talking excitedly and mc is hugging jaehee inexcitement and considering the occasion, jaehee is also hugging them back andseven joins the hug and pulls yoosung with him and yoosung yells i love you somuch mc you’re amazing!

it’s kind of awkward for a moment, the big hug feeling stiff nowand yoosung realizes he could have said ‘we’ instead of ‘i’ but mc isstarting to smile and seven is on the floor with laughter and jaehee gives hima stern look with a well deserved ‘you have it too easy. do not mess upthis time.’ and mc hasn’t said anything yet but he’s starting to feel lesshorrified and more awed and he feels his throat close up but he has to do itright this time. 

if you will have give me one chance, i will do my best to makeyou the happiest person mc! i will never speak before thinking again either!i-i’ll give up lolol if i have to! mc rolls’s their eyes and says he doesn’thave to quit lolol, just be more careful

Jaehee

oh dear! this girl feels so guilty for having ended thingsthen  just because she had been paranoidand worried it wasn’t the right time

sure they had both been having personal struggles but everythingwas lovely between them and slowly the other stresses in their lives would besorted. but jaehee hadn’t wanted to risk having a bad fallout with mc

jaehee has all of those problems sorted out now, and with hervision cleared she sees just how bad it had been to break up then, no matterhow much she had thought it was the right thing. she had just assumed doing theright thing hurts sometimes

it’s surprisingly mc who approaches her this time

they are timid and almost spend a good 10 minutes stalling

but jaehee is patient and wishful and a little scared

when they finally stutter out how they still have feelings forjaehee and only dared to approach her because jaehee seems to be much morerelaxed now and she has been saying and doing things when they were togetherand she liked mc like that

jaehee almost smiles when mc stutters to a stop because theyrealized they were blabbering

but mc looks like they’re about to cry or run away or bothand despite feeling relieved at the cute display, jaehee grabs mc’s shakinghands in a firm grip and waits till they look her in the eye

the words come surprisingly easy to jaehee as she answers mc’shalf asked request and confirms that yes, jaehee still likes mc like that andyes, she never stopped liking mc like that throughout and that yes! she wouldlove it if they got together again

Jumin 

poor jumin was always very expressive of his emotions andfeelings when it came towards mc

he couldn’t be blamed completely because a lifetime of hidinghis emotions he suddenly learned to share them with someone

there was no holding back on his part

and maybe because he hadn’t learnt to read others emotionsproperly yet he never noticed mc getting sad/upset

he did notice that mc was not very open with their feelings anexpressions, always seeming kind of reserved but jumin was not too upset andwas willing to wait

though he did have a talk or two with mc to see if mc actuallyneeded help or something but mc always playe dit off with a smile telling himto not worry

until one day mc actually had a mini meltdown and broke thingsoff with jumin

that day he learned mc was actually very emotional and thusimpulsive! The reason for break up? mc felt jumin was too sweet and giving anddeserved someone who could show love and give as openly as jumin did

cute as it was, it was jarring for jumin to hear all that from ateary mc and he couldn’t stop them  andsuggest them to cool down before they rushed out

they actually make up in about a couple months because mcmanages to admit they were running from all the feelings jumin made them feeland that they felt smothered by all the love they were getting because theycouldn’t give

and jumin understands somewhat and is always careful from thenon to not be too intense with mc and is successfully elarning to get a read ontheir emotions now so he doesn’t say something that is seemingly harmless butmay be too much for mc

Zen

it was zen who dumped mc

mc was shocked and by the time they could speak zen was alreadygone

honestly zen had thought having taken such a big step would bedepressing and help him fall into characters more easily

it had been depressing. but it sure as hell hadn’t helped himperfect his roles as he had thought

the worst thing was he had become so used to mc so quickly hewas starting to get really bad , not even wanting to get out of bed most days

mc would avoid him in the chatroom and they were good at it too,because it had been months since mc had come into the chat at the same time aszen

it is surprisingly jaehee who confronts him and tells him tosettle whatever matter is between mc and him because she wants his flawlessperformances back. of course she is more worried about zen and mc as rfamembers but she doesn’t vocalize it yet

is actually surprised when mc agrees to meet him. lowkey knowsit’s because because v asked them to meet him, but tries not not let it botherhim too much

just as zen starts to talk about how he is sorry and how hefeels, right there in v’s studio because a public place was a bad idea,mc interrupts his speech with a single word, ‘why?’

and zen doesn’t need them to clarify because he damn well knowswhat they mean by that. and the guilt is suddenly twice as heavy as beforebecause it really completely sinks in that damn it! he had not even explainedthe reason to mc

but he knows from the look in their eyes that they won’t listento any excuse he has unless he answers that question

so he answers honestly, no matter how stupid and trivial itsounds now. mc is really not impressed to have been dumped because zen himselfdecided that he couldn’t give mc enough time and attention and that they wouldbe better off without each other- each being able to at least get one thingright in life. their careers

zen apologizes profusely and mc reluctantly agrees when he asksthem out again because he is so sincere and it’s not like they’ve gotten overzen yet

Seven 

this boy was so torn! 

on one hand  the love of his life, his mc, had given him a news which would be the happiest news for normal people. 

and perhaps mc somewhat knew what his reaction would be because they were timid and looked almost scared when they told him

but it was like his brain shut down completely as the meaning of what mc said settled in

he immediately broke up with mc

there was no way he could ever be trusted with not one, or two, but three lives! especially one that would be completely helpless and at anybody’s mercy!

mc knew that but even after having just found out about their pregnancy, they refused to not keep the baby. they said as much to him before they packed up their stuff and were leaving

seven took their bags and walked to the garage , knowing mc would follow

the car ride to jumin’s was silent and tense and the body guards let them in, already having been instructed by jumin

he did the right thing. mc would be taken much better care of here than with him this was probably best for them

or so seven tried to tell himself

the guilt was always there in the back of his mind and it honestly didn’t let him sleep. it was just what he deserved, he thought, to get even lesser hours of sleep than he already did

it was really his fault though. all of it. if he couldn’t have been careful, he must at least take responsibility. The process was slow, but seven was warming up to the idea of apologizing and asking mc back. he could try! he could be better than his mom

only, it’s almost a month and he hasn’t heard from mc since 

his stomach in knots and heart in his throat, he races in one of his babe’s to jumin’s and rushes to the apartment

he parks in time to see mc trip over an obstacle he doesn’t see in the blur 

he rushes out but mc has already hit the ground 

seven has never driven that fast and he’s never seen mc that pale but they’re at the hospital within minutes and mc’s being rushed to er

only when the doctors says that everything is fine and that mc might have a concussion does he feel he’s able to breathe

mc looks shocked at his choked question about the baby, but he focuses on the doctor’s response, that the baby was safe for now, but it was been quite dangerous

saeyoung is surprised he is so relieved and he just kneels beside the hospital cot and apologizes again and again to mc and mc actually says it’s okay. that it’s not his fault. he has never been so sad and so happy at the same time

vows to take care of them both and always keep them happy if mc would give him a chance

mc says they don’t have the heart to keep his baby from him but that he must keep his word

he didn’t know he could cry from happiness

V

poor sweet man was devastated

mc’s birthday was coming up and v was panicking because mc had given him the perfect gift for his birthday

and he couldn’t decide what to get them

if he knew what mc liked, he would have bought the whole list

the problem was! he did not know what mc liked

and it was such a shame for him to not know; of course he could just ask them, but that would give him away

so in fit of angst he broke up with mc

…though a phone call

is so sick of the sadness and guilt and can honestly not even start to forgive himself

what has he done

mc hasn’t even called once and it has been months

one day he gets a visitor at a strange hour

he thinks he’s hallucinating when he opens the door to mc but they just push past him and walk into his place

when he comes back in, they are seated on the couch with a business like air about them

jumin would be proud, v thinks

‘jihyun, you’re not a baby, sweety’, mc starts , and okay this is serious because they called him jihyun and not v

which means they are pissed, despite their polite, almost friendly tone

v takes a seat as they give him a pointed look and clears his throat

looks awed when mc tells him they had given him some time to clear his head and get his thoughts in order because he had sounded so stressed when he had made that call

and to tell them what he felt or what problems he was facing

just after saying that they looked at him curiously, because ‘are we still dating? or was that break up-break up?’ 

jihyun has honestly never felt so relieved and he just wraps mc in a hug because thank you so much, and yes of course we are dating!

 Saeran

it was so crazy for saeran

did he care about mc? yes

did he love them? maybe?

how was he supposed to know when he had never known love all hisdamn life

he also didn’t want to be tied down or depend on mc

but he didn’t want to say it out right

because he knew he would phrase it harshly if he did

so he kept canceling their dates

and mc was persistent because it was after the 6th cancelleddate that they called him, sounding upset and asking him what was worng

not if something was wrong,saeran noted felt a swell of pride at their perception

but he gave a distant answer and mc sounded more upset and askedhim to just answer honestly

‘you want an honest answer?’ saeran snapped ‘well, it goessomething like this: i don’t wanna be tied down, and I certainly don’t wannadate you’

he expected an angry explosion or maybe even for mc to burst outcrying

he did not expect them to hang up as soon as the words left hismouth

he felt somewhat guilty because he obviously really hurt mc, buthe figured it was okay since this way they would have more time to ‘heal’

whoever said that time makes everything better was a fuckingliar and saeran would punch him

because instead of feeling better as days passed after the breakup, saeran kept feeling wrose

when it wasn’t the guilt eating away at him, it was all thoughtof mc- mc this, mc that, how mc liked their egg, how mc hated when their coffeegot a bit too sweet but couldn’t drink it without sugar either, how mc always letsaeran sleep 20 minutes more

it was excruciating

he especially hated when his damn brother would ask about mc notvisiting any more

as if to rub salt to his wound

what he couldn’t understand was how the heck had mc become suchan important part of his life without him having noticed? important enough tohave left a gaping hole and that made saeran feel empty even when doing onlywhat he wanted to all day

his meddling brother started inviting mc over a lot and it wasso awkward because

they were right there

one such day saeran had locked himself in his room when assholesaeyoung barged into his room and pulled him by the hand till he was on thecouch in the living room

and mc was already there and saeyoung conveniently left on anerrand so they could talk

it was awkward but mc asked how he’d been doing and the nextmoment he found himself spilling everything to her and he couldn’t shut hismouth if he tried and now his voice was getting wobbly and mc was getting tearyeyed and this was torture he just wanted to hug mc and hold onto them all day

…turns out he did shut up once he realized he had said the lastpart out loud

at least it made mc laugh

bonus: saeyoung came home to see saeran and mc cuddled up tight andwarm

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhh welp... *derps x2* (Update and some past therapy and college/uni talk)

I really wanted to write a post but at the same time I’m not feeling very well and feel like the effort to do so might drain me even more. Maybe I’ll try write it more brief, since all my previous posts end up so hella long lol. 

Anyways, on monday was what I thought would be a therapy session but it was in fact another referral consultation, but I still poured all my truthful feelings and fears out. I feel kinda proud I didn’t kind of hold back or soften the things I said as much as I usually would (though I still stumbled over some words and blanked a little, but it’s okay!). Also I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be, I was just so focused on trying to give the consultant all the relevant information possible and almost went overtime in my super fired up blabby confession moment lol. She noted it all down and said she’d speak with her supervisor and decide where or who best to refer me to and be in contact by the end of the week.

I literally told her so many things that I would have a hard time telling anyone or even writing here. I began with the avoidant stuff and then kinda veered off into my super paranoid-ness troubles and a little on dependent-ness, it was... ugh... real difficult to talk about it without feeling like a fool but I also mentioned how I’ve been trying really hard to rationalise things and be more positive and stuff and for someone to acknowledge and sort of praise that felt nice. I also pulled out some of the most random and uncomfortable situations from my past to give as examples for things and it was uh... I struggled a bit and felt awkward a little but she was very sympathetic and nice! :> 

When she asked what my perception of myself was, as I mentioned I have a low view of myself, I said what I thought (and it was only a few adjectives of the negative kind, but they were strong words... I guess I am being too hard on myself, but I can’t help it when it’s all I can see of myself :c) and she was a little surprised and said not many people would be able to say it so bluntly *laughs nervously and burrows head in the sand*. I made sure to get across that I’m very sensible about my actions and have been trying my best to improve and that I have a lot of hope to get better and she said this was good too ^^ There was a lot of other stuff but it’s too much effort to write down and remember lol. I’m not sure what she makes of all the stuff I said and what the supervisor will say about it, I just hope it goes in the right direction and stuff ahhh >< (Also that they don’t ask to see my blog because I did happen to mention it... they wouldn’t though right...? Like to make me conquer my fears or something ;w; ...Even if they did (unlikely) I could say no, don’t worry silly self!)

No obligations! My new mantra XD (Idek know if I’m using the right word but oh well, it works for me so imma use it! lololol~) Getting stuff off the chest and having your problems acknowledged really does feel like a weight has been lifted slightly hoo~ I feel a little bit more motivated and willing to disclose my fears and keep pushing to improve too ^^ 

I went to the supermarket after that with my sis who drove me to and from the appointment and I browsed around at a super leisurely pace. Maybe it was the sort of motivation boost from letting off the steam at the consultation that allowed me to roam around feeling less conscious of the other shoppers than I usually do, it was nice. I did still feel awk sometimes squeezing past people and sort of hovering around them cause I wanted to look at something but I persisted and I got to peruse as much as I wanted >:D

I said I didn’t want the post to get long but I thought why not write a little about my past therapy experiences since this post is about therapy, so here I go~! :U

In college I went to see a therapist lady about my ‘social anxiety’. I don’t remember the details before that, it was probably me finally acknowledging I was genuinely having a hard time with socialising or fitting in wherever I am and constantly being anxious around others that prompted me to get help. It’s likely I read some shizz off the internet then too lol. I think in school before that I would converse and confide in a friend who also had similar feelings but when it got to college I hardly saw them because their schedule was like the opposite of mine. The line between friends and classmates, it kinda becomes clear once you stop being together out of convenience (of the same class times and such).

The friendships I had and were grateful for just gradually faded and I guess my lack of initiative (or fear) to continue communication outside just made it even more inevitable. It’s okay though, people move on and people change, especially in the case of when people move to far away locations too. They have their life to live however and with whoever they want, and I have mine (which is terrible but... maybe it won’t be later on). I do miss them and I miss the time I spent in school with them, but what I hope most is that they are all happy and doing well c: There’s a lot more I’d want to write, but this post isn’t about that. There’s plenty of time to reminisce, remedy and maybe even reconnect with them someday later on.

Anyways, I can’t remember anything too detailed with the therapy there except we talked some and she game some sort of worksheets with some tasks to help me acknowledge my feelings and fears and to try expose myself to them little by little. I don’t think I got that far with that or maybe it’s because I chose to start seeing her so close to the end of my time at college that well the sessions obviously didn’t continue for long, I don’t think I went more than a small handful of times. 

Something else I remember from probably one of my first talks with her, is that she asked me what I would wish for (or where I’d wish to live?? idk too long ago to remember) if I could, and I said something like to live in a normal house like everyone else lol. Idk I was envious of the cosy homes my friends, relatives and families on tv have that were so different from my own, more modern and homely unlike mine which is so old, unconventional and constantly noisy because my parents workplace is aside it. (Maybe the work place and home being so close makes it hard for my parents to sort of separate their work mindset and leisure time and that’s why they can never sort of relax and why I can never be comfortable idk.) Uh well anyways, she replied that it was such a humble(?) modest(??) wish... uh I’m really not sure of the right word to use to describe it or what she said exactly but basically it was indicating my wish was not like the extravagant sort of things other people would probably wish for. My wish (though I can’t remember the exact context leading up to asking about it) was in essence to be normal and have a normal environment and I guess that still stands, though I do have bigger dreams now too, but still not the overly extravagant kind haha. Idek what I was trying to say in this paragraph lol *goldfish memory*.

Also something else during college time, is that I went to this breathing exercise help thing which was supposedly supposed to help people who are anxious in exams or something but I just went in hope it might help me in general. It literally was just listening to some relaxing nature sounds and seeing some matching imagery while having your pulse tracked at the same time and I sucked at it and didn’t really improve much lol XD It was supposed to help you regulate your breathing and stuff but I just probably got more anxious about it. I wonder if it is anxiety that has been causing me all sorts of worrisome chest related problems, as they have persisted till now more than a decade later unresolved and still causing me bother. This is one of the health problems out of many which I have been trying to get to the bottom of and fix in the recent years, it’s really unsettling not knowing what’s really wrong or how to fix it ugh. Maybe I’ll write about it in a separate post another time (always putting off stuff ahhh, but I guess it makes sense to here), I’ve actually been trying real hard and gone through quite a lot of things in effort to resolve things, I’m kind of proud of myself for doing so but I need to continue to persevere.

Hmm... okay now for the therapist I went to in university. I can’t remember the exact thing that prompted me to start going or how I came to know of it, but it was probably the similar feelings of struggling and needing guidance and idk reading posters or some info booklets maybe. I know I started going later than I could have again and stopped going completely because... well, I ended up dropping out of Uni altogether :c I was struggling so badly, the anxiety, the depression etc. just made it so difficult to sleep, concentrate or understand anything and just being there unnerved me so much. I still regret it and feel like such a failure, but university isn’t for everyone anyways, I just chose to go because it is the typical thing to do after college (but a degree doesn’t guarantee work or anything so bleeeh~)

The therapist I was appointed was a guy and he was nice and this will sound really ridiculous and I feel real bad thinking this, but something about the way he looked reminded me of an army sergeant and it made me extra uncomfortable and intimidated. It was just so hard to unsee and also the fact he is a guy like I mentioned earlier make me unsettled (I’m even more insecure around guys) Dx Also I remember talking about some of my female related physical problems as I was going to doctors trying to sort stuff back then too (still partially unresolved now ugh) and well uh... it was so awks but he said he could understand and relate because his daughter had the same problem, he would share some stories about her other times too and I guess it was kind of nice, it helped me to see him more as a softer father type person rather than an army sergeant I guess lol.

Anyways that’s not important! One of the things I distinctly remember about my sessions there, is that one of his earlier sort of tasks was to write down what I thought of myself on a paper. I took the paper and I drew a simple scrawl of myself with an unhappy face and next to it (or in a speech bubble) I wrote ‘I hate myself’ and without looking up, I cried onto it... :< (I wonder how many times therapists have to see people cry a week or even a day ><) He gave me a sympathetic look and I don’t remember what else happened that session, probably just talked about some more basic stuff about myself and some positive thinking advice.

Another thing I found memorable is that he told me ‘you are the one that knows yourself best’ and it really stuck with me. There was also a kind of ‘you are the only one that can change yourself/you are the one that can help yourself most’ kind of phrase (but I can’t remember the exact wording) and before that he would use a sort of metaphorical situation and ask me what I would do. The one for this phrase was something about being out at sea/or a pool and needing help... *blank blank something something* ...uh I can’t remember the rest of the details and I don’t think I should guess because I made a whole lotta nonsense in the other paragraph before lol. Again it feels kind of unreal, like I was a different person then or that I’m seeing it from a different perspective... I wonder if it’s dissociation or something, it just feels so strange ><

Oh also this is semi-irrelevant but I went to have Dyslexia tests at both college and uni also (my friend that already went recommended me to go). I just wanted to know why I was struggling so bad, why I had so much trouble with concentrating, taking in info and all that stuff. Maybe I’ll write about the outcome of these and where they lead me another time (ugh) when I write about all my other health focused posts. I’ll just mention again that so many things in mental health and function overlap and that it’s so difficult to discern the definitive reasons for things, the diagnosis I got was...eh... and I took it with a grain of salt pretty much (and btw my family/relatives weren’t all that convinced or supportive of this or when I had a diagnosis of depression which was... well it wasn’t great). I’m glad I had the courage to go to these too because it did help me to understand myself and work a tiny bit more efficiently, but I guess my avpd-ness prevented me from wanting to use the stuff and advice they gave me in class and well, it was already kind of too late to sort of salvage what little motivation I had then and try continue.

Uh... that was hella negative. But I guess that’s basically all I remember about those things. I started writing this post on monday but well I guess I had more to write about than I thought and I didn’t have enough time alone to think about it and write it lol. I’ll finish this post by mentioning some of my more positive things from yesterday ^^ I phoned the mobile provider of this phone I bought recently and returned to get some details on my return. I’ve put this off for a few days already and wasn’t going to try, but I pushed myself to and yay I got the answer I wanted (though I could have said my question a bit more straight forward in the beginning instead but in the end I got there, so it’s okay xD). The past year or so I’ve called the doctors and my phone provider the most probably lol. About why I returned the phone... I just really wanted a new phone because mine is so old and frustratingly dysfunctional, but I changed my mind about the one I got and decided to wait to get another one. Indecision and impulse buying at it’s best yo~~~

Also I emailed an enquiry to a seller about some problem I had with some product bought from Amazon (which I’ve also been putting off). In general I feel I’ve been trying harder to not let that ‘oh no someone’s gonna judge me’ feeling from stopping me do some small things I wanted to do, like listen to this derpy old cd I found on my living room stereo just before and commenting on some things online (with my cheesy jokes and over enthusiastic complimenting as usual lol *facepalm*). Also thinking more positively about things like, when you feel you weren’t successful, it’s best not to beat yourself up about it, at least you tried and you can try again and it might be even better than previously. Like with this post, I didn’t finish it on monday or yesterday like I wanted, but there’s no point feeling down or mad at myself for it (I mean it was my own choice really and my fear stopping me, but it’s not gonna help to be overly harsh to myself about it) and since I’m continuing it now anyways, it’s no big deal. It wasn’t mandatory for me to finish it, I shouldn’t worry about it, no obligations! ^^ I hope I can keep it up and keep pushing out of my comfort zone too! 

Ze end~! Must go do something more productive! Let’s go~! :3