#Yes Danny is the boss of all existence basically

[magical-awesome-kid]

DP x DC AU.

Danny Phantom has been the King of the Infinite Realms, a halfa, and hero for thousands of years now. He, by all accounts, is considered a god or Eldrich abomination (or both), which means his power levels are par to few/none. Under his reign, his planet Earth found massive peace (religious wars were stopped simply by asking people there, pre-meditated murder went out the window when the risk of them coming back as a ghost was very real, and Fenton Technologies compounded with Ghost Zone technologies had completely changed the course of human evolution).

Danny learned how to rule and does so well. He does it so well that the afterlife basically runs itself now. Sure, disputes still happen, fights still break out, but they're small affairs compared to how things used to be. As the King of the Zone, his mere presence has healed much of the cracks and fissures that had occurred under Pariah, and, even in a place where death and life mix as well as his own DNA mixes with Ectoplasm, where one minute there's a sudden influx of the dead just as a new species is born from the mythos of old, it's quite a content place to be. With the dimension's growth, so, too, has Danny, now looking like a man in his thirties, lean and strong but comforting all the same (he can never quite die due to his halfa status, but he stopped aging normally around the time he turned thirty-three - he now can appear however old or young he feels, and, after his family passed, he reverted back to his younger man days, which he felt was when things seemed to settle around him).

But, well... Danny is bored as hell.

Now, he's been looking to stretch his legs in the land of the living again. He's been a Zone Body for nearly 2500 years now, only making trips to his own dimension when called upon for input and to sit in on galactic meetings, but, even then, he's got tons of people who can stand in for him. Danielle, appearing as a late-twenties, early-thirties woman usually going by Ellie or El these days, is considered the Princess of the Realms and leads up exploration teams on different dimensions that have either pinched off from the realms, forming fully-living or fully-dead places, and better charting the healing process and anything they need to step in personally (while considered the 'land of the dead,' the Infinite Realms is more akin to a purgatory, connecting, well, infinite dimensions where life and death exist more exclusively, acting as a bridge, a binding agent, between time and space).

Danny decides to appoint his top advisors (largely still Sam, Tucker, and Jazz, who have become ghosts and, as royal appointees, have access to all afterlifes and free pass to go and come as they please, as well as some trusted long-time allies like Clockwork and Pandora) to keep eyes on everything for him while he takes a 'short scouting mission' with Danielle (i.e. maybe take a break).

Ellie and Danny head off to the next dimension on the list, and, as soon as they hit the ground running, it's immediately clear that this one is filled with issues.

While the general rule is that they don't meddle in dimensional affairs, this dimension, right off the bat, REEKS of stale Ectoplasm. Like it's been broken off and re-attached incorrectly to the Infinite Realms, and thus the normal flow of ectoplasm has stalled. This can cause a lot of complications, especially for people who come into contact with said ectoplasm. It's also a dimension of heroes and villains, which immediately kicks Danny's protective instincts into high gear.

Ellie manages to keep them on track... until they find out about a clone who's been treated horribly by both of his 'parents' even though he's done nothing wrong.

Then... yeah. She doesn't mind staying a little longer.

So yeah, they may be meddling, but this dimension needs help! They swear!

(The Justice League doesn't know what's about to hit them when two new, absolute power houses come on scene, one instantly going out of their way to adopt Young Justice, but mostly Superboy, while the other starts spearheading global unification in the most convoluted of ways. Well, except Constantine, who takes one look at the two heroes, INSTANTLY recognizes them, and nopes the fuck out. He's heard stories of the Ghost King and Ghost Princess, and, while pillars of goodness and justice, they are also known to be absolute hellions, and he's dealt with actual hell creatures).

[radiance1]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and basically Danny is Beelzebub from Hellva boss with his own casino performs and the entrance defies reality and all his ghost rouges come in and go as they please and some humans and or mortals stumble in and think it’s just some place where metas party their fucking asses off which wouldn’t be that bad if this wasn’t FUCKING GOTHAM. Danny doesn’t know how they got in Gotham but they just want to party but unfortunately for him the bats hear a rumor some meta trafficking ring has been planning a big raid on a certain casino that’s new ish and they have to stop it so they go in disguise and they get to witness Danny and his rouges beat the every loving snot out of some traffickers

maybe Danny is a clone, maybes he’s reincarnated, maybe he lost a bet, maybe he moved to Gotham for fun, maybe he got tossed across the universe into Gotham

who knows certainly not Danny

Hmm.

I have zero clue if I want Danny to look somewhat like Beelzebub or not, but we won't be dwelling on that right now.

How Danny got to Gotham? I got zero blood clue, but he's there and is about to party.

Maybe this could even be set after TUE bad ending, where the explosion wasn't reversed, and he parties to forget the pain and just focus on the good vibes. Maybe stops using his human form, using his ghost form more and it subtly changing without him noticing into a different form or something due to his habits.

Maybe that some of his ghost form's new features leak over to his human form.

Anyways.

Maybe the casino isn't even in Gotham, like physically. Instead, it's the doors leading into the casino that're in Gotham City, and stepping through him just yoinks them into Danny's Dimension and into his casino.

So, Danny's casino is located smack dab in his own dimension, but somehow the doors pop up in Gotham for whatever reason and a few residents stumble through and see Danny and his rogues (who didn't want to kick a pup while he's down and indulges him) partying up to the high heavens and the lowest hells.

You could even say that, like Beelzebub, Danny is eating up all of the good vibes that comes from other people while partying. How and why does Danny own a casino?

Vlad.

Vlad is indulging him because they both lost something that day, and then Danny was placed into his care, and they were both two disturbed to really continue their entire good vs evil thing and they kinda just, chilled out with each other. Danny asks for a casino one day on a whim, Vlad indulges him, then Danny starts partying up to get away from his own grief while Vlad buries himself in work to avoid his.

So, when the meta trafficking ring tries to capture everyone at the casino and the bats are there to stop them. Every rogue there silently agree to beat them up because one, they have dignity as ghosts and can't just let themselves be captured by humans.

Two, this is the playground of Danny and one of the few things people unanimously agree to never fight in (one of the others is the Christmas truce).

Three, this place is also owned by Vlad Masters. If the man is anything like how he was before the whole kicked pup thing (everyone thinks this applies to both Danny and Vlad) then they don't really want to tick him off and they're basically doing these humans a favor anyways.

Anything they could do to them physically; Vlad could do worse to them in the human world.

The batfamily sees this, and decides that nobody here actually needs their help and can take care of themselves. But also, given the track record of metas becoming rogues in this city, they can't just leave it alone either.

They would make a file about them at the most for the case they decide to run rampant through the city. But they'll leave them alone for the most part.

(Danny doesn't know who or what Batman is, as he doesn't exist in their dimension, yes even the comics don't exist. Neither does the batfamily know Danny Phantom, because he doesn't exist in their universe either.)

[straycalamities]

Just to know, what are the canon pairings between your ocs at the moment? :3

cANON? UHHHH uhh what is canon uhhh

well mainverse entre is with 12 they've been dating since......2012? 2013? oh god. (maybe they're married at this point who knows)

trufflu entre isss ummmmmmm hard to answer :) he's With swag obv but its Complicated and Unlabeled (til its not, but that's......a story for another time)

weehawken entre is kinda? flirting? interested? in vin not official yet but they had their Moments

man..entre is my bicycle ill be honest. and there's more aus and iterations of entre all usually with their own boo (or the same boo just different situation) i just like to have fun

but anyways enough about him

eboy is canonly with EDU HIMSELF. uwu

mronceler is canonly. divorced :)

andrew and ace are usually canonly planned to get together. i literally made ace FOR andrew. so i guess they're technically canon? i just haven't officially done any stories yet where they get to that point. but they're supposed to. especially in their main universes (there's like two now..maybe three..oh no)

andrew canonly has feelings for ji-hoon but they're not reciprocated. he also has a thing for julian, but its uh. awful. its bad. i wont go into it here

i think thats about it for him? uh :( same for ace err...yeah they pretty much just have each other rn even in different universes (i'd be down to play around with hooking them up with other ocs if anyone's interested tho wink)

kian is canonly with dev uwu they are in LOVE and sometimes eventually have a dotter named sid (sidney (because of scream yes))

i also have like four more oc pairings with edu, but i think i havent ever posted about them here...uh...seiki, will, aoife, and sean. well i HAVE posted about aoife and will but i dont think edu has anything posted of taelim or dean...so...

erendriel, daisy, and spook as of now are all canonly single and ready to mingle... idk do they even have ""canons"" right now ?? they kinda just exist in my head as amorphous blobs of vibes and vague traits (except spook who's got more than that but not rly anywhere to belong yet. it's just out here.) so if someone wanted to..make smth happen. my ocs. y'all's ocs. fingerguns. i know spook has one interested party rn. and has done stuff with another treasured friend's oc in the past

there's also danny, apollo, beleth, callisto, leah, mary, brady, nayasha, toni, and zenathrael. i have so many ocs dude...umm nayasha has a gf in canon but i havent designed her yet. brady has a...Thing going on with their basically-boss but...:) and the rest are all canonly single. i have even more but idk this is already getting out of hand.

[phantomphangphucker]

Phic Phight: [REDACTED] “Oh Goddamnit. DANNY!”

Prompt Creator: @mr-lancers-english-class

Even Danny’s school projects cause ghostly issues and Lancer really should have seen this coming.

Alright fine, Lancer knew this was a bad idea. He knew it. And yet... here they all are, with each of his students doing their self-chosen presentations. And as he should have expected, Every. Single. One. has been on Phantom. Sure at least there’s been some variety. Star’s piece on his fashion and how that reflects on his personality and the era he died was actually fairly interesting (if it wasn’t for the fact that Phantom spiced up his jumpsuit with t-shirts and whatnot sometimes then this would have been a very boring one). Kwan also surprised him some, apparently he’s spent the past year or so sneaking photos of Phantom eating and did a piece on Phantom’s rather peculiar food tastes (who dips their pickles in milkshakes???) as well as effectively providing proof for the existence of ectoplasmic food (there’s no way any earth apples are neon green on the inside). Dash’s wasn’t even correctly calculated, trying to figure out how far Phantom could throw footballs based on his known strength and if he could kill someone by tackling them (disturbingly the answer -regardless of Dash’s bad math- was decidedly yes. Daniel seemed particularly disturbed). And Paulina’s was quite literally a badly written self-insert ship fan fic; the added drawings of what their child would look like only made it worse (Daniel left, not that Lancer could blame him. Lancer’s also glad for the ghost fight interrupting the presentation). Emilie’s was... disturbingly about ghost hunger and purposed the thesis that Phantom, for the good of the town, should eat the aggressor ghosts (he actually had to cut her off for getting too graphic).

But the single most interesting thing was that a ghost apparently caught wind of this and literally Every. Single. Presentation so far had words that were permanently replaced with [REDACTED], which, needless to say, caused some chaos when Samantha gave the very first presentation.

-

Lancer clicked his pen, crossing his legs and resting the evaluation sheet on his thigh, “alright, Samantha. Feel free to start whenever you please, though soon would be preferred”, by ‘preferred’ he had meant required, but no need to be mean. He chooses to ignore the goth teen's eyeroll.

Predictably the projected screen doesn’t work when she opens her file so Lancer has to spend ten minutes fiddling with the outdated tech that they wouldn’t give the school funding to replace. Eventually, he does get it up and running showing Ms. Manson’s title screen reading ‘Phantom And Hate Crimes Against Blood Blossoms’. Lancer’s positive ‘blood blossoms’ are a type of flower, figures she would do something nature-focused. She’d make for a great herbalist or botanist someday. He does catch Daniel and Tucker giving her ‘death glares’, as the kids call it, though; Samatha doesn’t look any less smug. The second page has what he thinks was supposed to be a detailed drawing of a flower but it’s severely pixilated, almost as if it been blurred; Samantha looks visibly upset so he’s going to assume something when wrong with the file or pasting format. He’s not marking on artistic capabilities though, so effort is effort there.

She quickly clicks to the next page, where the actual writing of the assignment is and looks decidedly pissed; Lancer even quirks an eyebrow since at least two-thirds of the words are a very bold noticeable [REDACTED]. Lancer watches her yank out her physical copy while glaring with murderous intent at Daniel -Lancer will have to dock him marks if he messed with another student's project- before looking at the physical copy in bafflement for a few seconds. Half the class shrieking when she drops the papers and basically launches herself over the desks at Daniel, “OH YOU LITTLE FUCKER!!!! HOW THE FUCK!”.

Lancer’s sighs and stands, “language, Ms. Manson”, moving to pick up the papers and quirking an eyebrow over them looking the same. Sighing again and eyeing Daniel, who’s being choked -or throttled perhaps?- by Samantha yet is grinning innocently. “Daniel, messing with other students' work is against student policy”, sighing yet again, “and I’ll let Star go while Samantha fixes her document”, summoning up the blonde while glaring at Daniel. Some days that boy was more trouble than he was worth but he was also insanely bright and had a heart of gold. Lancer knows he’ll do good things someday, and that’s why he still tries with him.

Half the class is snickering or laughing now and Star is very clearly trying not to laugh as she sets up.

However, as soon as it opens up the class is met with a very familiar sight. [REDACTED] litters every single page; he checked. And Star’s physical copy was in the same state.

Kwan blinks, “okay seriously, what is going on”, before scrambling to grab out his own physical copy; the rest of the class going wide-eyed and following suit. Lancer just puts his head in his hands and sighs very audibly while shaking his head. Why could nothing go right? Sighing again as the class erupts into noise.

“Mines all weird too!”.

“Same here!”.

“Okay there is no way Fenturd messed up everyone’s work”.

“And I actually tried on mine! It was about the merits of Phantom getting armour!”.

“Oh damn do we just get auto hundreds now? Please please please say yes”.

“Oh damn, Phantom would actually look awesome in armour”.

“I know right”.

“Can we just skip class entirely now?”.

“Oh my Zone a ghost messed with or work”.

“Holy Shit”.

“Wait! Wait! Wait! You don’t think Phantom did do you?”.

“Why the heck would he do that? How would he even know??????”.

“Oh I hope Phantom was inside my computer. That would be so hot”.

“Oh I don’t know, maybe someone told him or he overheard shit. He’s a ghost, he can be invisible. Heck, he could be here, right now, invisible”.

“Invisible and laughing at us”.

“No! No! Hold up! What if he doesn’t want us writing about him or maybe someone wrote some sus shit and he just nerfed us all for good measure”.

“That would mean Phantom totally read my stuff, aw Hell yeah man. That was some boss shit”,

Lancer sighs and stands up, “alright that’s enough”, sighing again because why did this have to happen to him, “and I apologies for blaming you earlier, Daniel”.

Samantha snaps, “oh no, I still blame him”, and continues glaring at the teen. Lancer suspects Samantha would continue blaming the boy even if it was firmly proven he wasn’t at fault.

Addressing the class again, “here’s what we’re going to do, you’re going to read off what of your projects you actually can and allude to the rest. Please reframe from repeating what you know was there beforehand as I’d rather not have whatever ghost responsible -Phantom or otherwise- come here pissed off”, glaring at few students who look slightly encouraged rather than discouraged by that prospect, “anyone who does will receive automatic zeroes”, ah and the encouraged looks have deflated. Good. Gesturing at Star, “you’re already up here, so do continue”. Better to not bring the clearly infuriated Samantha back to the front until she’s had some time to calm down.

Star nods and clears her throat, thankfully everyone quiets down. “O-okay, well, um”, gesturing at the screen, “I did my piece on Phantom’s sense of fashion and the cover image was one with him dressed in one of the Spook Sense stores meme shirts....”.

-

Lancer shakes away the memory, he honestly slightly regrets giving this project. But regardless right now is Daniel’s turn and Lancer is honestly slightly fearful of what his file is going to look like. Thankfully all their files were saved to his computer before the [REDACTED] debacle, so no one could go back in and edit theirs to add [REDACTED]’s for an easy grade. Lancer’s still not exactly sure how he’s supposed to mark assignments that were anywhere from one-fifth to one-third [REDACTED]. That word will be burned into his head after this grading period.

Lancer moves to find the boys file, but stares when clicking it crashes the computer. Not once. Not twice. But thrice. The fourth time rebooting the computer he inspects the file and is a bit dumbfounded, “Daniel, your entire file’s corrupted. The file type has even been changed to redacted, which I’m fairly sure, isn’t actually any possible file designation”. Everyone’s silent for a bit before bursting out into laughter.

“Just what the Zone did you write, Danny!”.

“Oh we so have to know what this is now”.

“Danny has the forbidden knowledge! We haft found him! The keeper of things forbidden and Ghostly! Haza!”.

“Ha! It was probably so lame that Phantom wanted to save him the embarrassment”.

Lancer sighs, but Daniel gestures Tucker up, “hey Tuck, feel like trying to fix the file”. Tucker chuckles and walks up, though apparently glaring at the boy. Based on Daniel’s smirk he finds this quite amusing.

Tucker does manage to make the file viewable at least. Lancer nods and leans back in his seat, “thank you, Mr. Foley”, while the file loads on screen.

Tucker sits back down with a head shake while Daniel stands at the front and gestures to the screen, “aight, as you can see from my not redacted title-”, that earns a couple laughs, “I did mine on Phantom’s portfolio of crime. Every single time our dear Phantom broke ghost law. Including such wonderful things as, that time he caused not one, not two, not even three, but five, prison breaks in one day. Or that time he invalidated a Observant spectator duel by bringing an inflatable sword”. Samantha slams a hand on her desk, “IT IS YOUR FAULT YOU DICK!”.

Lancer has some serious questions as Daniel clicks for the next page, the entire class going dead silent as a screen comprising of almost nothing but the word [REDACTED] shows. Lancer sighs very audibly. Eventually the class starts up again.

“Fenton... actually has forbidden knowledge”.

“If it wasn’t for the teacher computer saved thing I’d think he was fucking with us”.

“I mean... he is a Fenton, right?”.

“Okay the fact that this entire presentation is on ghost crimes is concerning alone. But they’re forbidden ghost crimes at that”.

“Shit I wanted the tea. Damnit”.

“Better question, how does Danny know?”.

Daniel clicking the button to go forward is very audible. And, Chicken Soup For The Soul, every single page is [REDACTED] to the point of being completely and utterly unintelligible. There are occasional lines pointing out how Phantom apparently ate confetti at a ghosts third wedding (which is apparently illegal for some reason) or that time he beat someone up with a violin that had a pie inside it (Lancer can see this one, Lancer himself has smacked a ghost with stranger).  Literally the only photo that isn’t blurred beyond recognition is one of Phantom in a prison uniform (Paulina was very vocal about liking men in uniform here). Lancer is absolutely positive the end of his conclusion ‘[REDACTED] are a bunch of [REDACTED]’ is an insult.

Samantha chucks a boot at his smirking face, “YOU IDIOT. Of course they were going to block you from talking about them. Ancients, I can’t believe you”. Tucker’s busy laughing into his hand.

“Oh my Zone, they know too”.

“They’re really earning that weirdo trio title, huh”.

Daniel snickers as he sits back down, “they broke into my room and wrecked that epic puzzle I was working on. They shoulda seen this shit coming. Literally”. Tucker snorts, “they probably did but couldn’t do anything else about it. They can’t stop you and your endless bullshit”.

“Damn fucking straight”.

Lancer isn’t going to claim to know what exactly they’re talking about but apparently Daniel effectively orchestrated this entire fiasco just to annoy some ghost. Lancer is honestly more impressed than disturbed. A for effort but an A- for making everyone's work nigh unusable.

End.

Prompt: For the last project of their senior year in high school, Mr. Lancer is letting his class do presentations on literally whatever topic they want. He is very, /very/ sure that this is going to go poorly, but that's a problem for later...

[theromanticrationalist]

For All Mankind's season 2 finale was just incredible. In many ways, I have been really impressed by this show and how they have been able to incorporate space exploration into the intimate threads of human history. The Moon, space, leaving the confines of the Earth's atmosphere, exploring the great beyond - all become catalysts for each of the individual characters - representing each of their own struggles. Because, as I believe, reaching out towards the stars ultimately becomes about reaching within the human soul - looking outward, is looking inward, and vice versa. The two are inexplicably entwined, and this show does a pretty good job at showing this.

More fan girl thoughts below the cut. . .

- Gordo & Tracy Stevens

I feel like this is best exemplified in Gordo and Tracy's story. I don't have time to outline it all at the moment, but the Moon becomes the stage upon which their hearts are made bare. It is so rare to see a redemption story, and a redemption story of a marriage no less, showcased with such power. I will forever be blown away by this story. *lays down* - *cries* - *cries a lot*

- Margo & Sergei

UH ... YES PLEASE.

A forbidden Soviet Era romance??? Yes yes yes yes yes. I need this! THANK YOU FOR ALL MANKIND. The both of them are my absolute favorite! Just. Everything about them. How they are the same and how they are able to communicate almost as if they are reading each other's minds, and the way Sergei looks at her, and the way Margo blushes and can't even look at him in the eyes, and just . . . *incoherent fangirl screeching*

I really feel like Margo knows the door that she opened. I hope the writers don't make her dumb in the next season - just some love struck nerd girl. Margo is naïve and lost in her own world sometimes, but she isn't stupid. I feel like after Sergei's call, she was realizing the full ramifications of what she had done and what this could mean for her and Sergei's complicated relationship. (Not to mention her standing with her own government and country!)

So, you know what I want to see?? I want to see Margo and Sergei play the most expertly played game of espionage ever orchestrated! I want to see them give false information to one another, and they'll personally always get offended by it even though they both know this isn't personal at all - they'll twist and turn words, double - triple! - meanings - are they enemies? Are they friends? Are they lovers? Do they even know? Maybe! Maybe not! How can they hope to be anything more when they are serving countries that are always on the brink of World War III? And yet!!!

And always Sergei will have stars in his eyes when he looks at her, whenever she does something impossibly clever, and Margo will always wear his favorite color and be speechless around him whenever he is trying to be charming.

I LOVE THEM. FOR ALL MANKIND YOU GAVE THIS TO ME NOW DON'T RUIN IT FOR ME

And let me just say that once again Margot is basically just me. OF COURSE she would fall for the enemy! Totally on brand. I get you, girl! I get you so hard!

<holding up my fingers like the Ben Wyatt meme> It's about the "it's complicated..."

- Danielle Poole

QUEEN. MY QUEEN. I knew she would come through and pull off the Soyuz mission with flying colors! And Danielle & Stepan have my heart! I knew Stepan wouldn't be able to resist her in the end, and that he would have his little Soviet heart melted in no time! 🥰🥰🥰 That whole moment of them defying their governments and choosing peace and brotherhood was just so beautiful. (I was pretty much an emotional mess the entire finale...) Then the gut punching realization that many American's didn't even get to see the historical moment live on TV because they were in the Fall Out shelters. Uuuuuugh. This show is SO good at building the emotional drama of this unfolding history. It feels so real! But it also feels very much like it could part of the Star Trek universe. They are exploring similar utopian and humanistic themes, and so I think I am going to make it my headcanon that our alternate history is part of the Prime timeline. It's official. I have declared it.

Speaking of Star Trek, though, I was tearing up when Danielle was quoting Star Trek. OF COURSE she is a Trekkie - OF COURSE. She is perfect without flaw. The most precious angel! I just wish she had more screen time this season, but I loved her story this season regardless!

- Thomas Paine

I never got to properly mourn the passing of Paine! I was pretty upset that he died, and just when he was becoming such an awesome character! (HE LOVED SPACE THE ENTIRE TIME OMG MY HEART.) However, I realized he was like the Agent Coulson of this show. That awesome side character with an unusual and unexpected quirky personality whose death becomes a catalyst for the bigger picture! Ellen is doing an incredible job within his place, though, and I love what it is building for her character (even if her story is SO SAD). At any rate, Thomas Paine shall be missed!

- Molly Cobb

Molly Cobb is BOSS. Her heroic moment on the Moon was such an amazing highlight for this season for me. But I am loving how they have taken her character in an unexpected direction, down a harder and more humbling road. It is heartbreaking, but such a deeply human story. Her taking her plane and trying to escape from the Earth's atmosphere was like the most DRAMATIC AF moment (omg this show), but also, I felt that too. I also loved her and Wayne's struggle through what Molly is having to face. They're marriage is so strong - perfectly challenging one another and carrying one another through life. I love them! This is going to be painful watching what Molly will have to go through, though.

- Karen

I do want to say a few more words about this whole debacle. The fact that the writers completely obliterated the Baldwin family is something I will not forgive them for, and it was very poor choice on their part, most especially how it came about. To me, the Baldwins have always been the anchor point of the show, but now they are all just kind of pathetic, as the trust in their marriage is broken (for no reason) and all so that Karen can go "find herself".

Now, it has always been a part of Karen's character arc that she needs to find her own identity. She gave herself to her family, putting herself last, and that isn't a good thing. Although we should be reminded that a woman serving her family as a wife and mother is NOT shameful, and so there was literally no reason for the writers to deconstruct this when it was actually a beautiful thing. Things aren't black and white. Karen can be both proud as a dutiful wife and mother AND have existential dread over her own identity as person. BOTH realities can be true and exist together! You don't need to destroy the one to have the other! It's called N U A N C E. Something American tv writers utterly lack in their writing now a days.

Regardless of all this, though, and the disturbing, messed up nature of Karen's affair with Danny - I am sick and tired of how often shows and movies depict a woman's exploration of identity through her sexuality. I find it to be really offensive. As if liberating a woman's spirit means turning her into a horny sex fiend. Sexuality is but one dimension of a woman's identity, one dimension amongst a thousand. To reduce her down to this basic and crude physical dimension, as if somehow sleeping around, having affairs, masturbating, etc, unlocks her deeper self, is really insulting to women as human beings. Being an independent, confident woman comes from a deeper place of the mind, heart, and spirit that embodies her entire person as a holistic being. We are more than the sum of our parts! Please, writers, for the love of God, stop making us into rutting animals!

Suggestion: American writers, creators, directors, just go read Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre. She'll wipe the floor with your pitiful displays of female independence. I have never seen any modern writer even come close to what Bronte was able to to achieve with her masterpiece. She was able to truly showcase the power, dignity, and grace of a woman's spirit flawlessly - showing how freedom and independence does not mean free to do whatever you want with whomever you want defying all traditions, religion, expectations, and principles - but is a state and quality of mind, that even in the most dire and unbearable of circumstances, your spirit remains immutable. A woman's strength is compassion in the face of adversity, serenity in the face of devastation, and strength in the face of oppression. THAT is true womanhood.

[glapplebloom]

Which of these soulless corporate movies is the least soulless?

Welcome to the Space Jam. Its your chance to do your dance at the Space Jam. Alright? Alright. Both movies are about a Basketball Star Teaming up with the Looney Tunes to play Basketball. So let’s see which one is the better of the two, starting off with...

THE STORY

Original - Aliens have come to kidnap the Looney Tunes. So they decide to have their fate decided by a Basketball Game. But when the Aliens stole the talent of other NBA players, the Looney Tunes decide to kidnap Michael Jordan (yes, they kidnap Michael Jordan as pointed out by Teen Titans going to the old Space Jam Website). After Hijinks they win the game.

Sequel - Lebron’s son got kidnapped by Al G. Rhythm and to get him back he must beat Al in a Basketball game. Thing is he is forces to get a team and he was sent to the Looney Tunes world where he finds Bugs alone. The others are seeing other Warner Brother properties so Bugs and Lebron work together to get them back. Thing is Lebron wants some heavy hitters and despite his efforts he only got toons. Even worse, the basketball game is not straightforward, more people’s lives are on the line and Al got his son to play for his team. Only until Lebron learned that he shouldn’t push people to be like him do the toons come back and win the game.

Winner - Sequel. Calling the original a plot is giving it too much credit. Its more of a concept that is put together than an actual story. If New Legacy’s story is more complex, its only because it has actual progression as things change.

THE BASKETBALL STAR

Original - As a kid, Michael Jordan was destined for greatness. He knew he wanted to be a big time basketball star and as a promise to his dad will also become a baseball star. He retired and is trying his best, but he’s not a good baseball player. It doesn’t help that others are treating him as something special (because they all want some free shoes ~Starfire). So when the Looney Tunes kidnap him, he didn’t want to help until the Monstars messed with him. Now back in the game Michael plays like he never lost a step and help the Looney Tunes win.

Sequel - As a kid, Lebron wants to play basketball. But he’s also a kid so he enjoys having fun like playing a Gameboy Game complete with Bugs Bunny’s Crazy Castle. But because of that, he lost the game. His coach at the time said he could become a great basketball player if he focused. So he did and became King James. Now an adult, he wants his kids to be basketball players too, but his youngest son prefer to make video games. This causes a riff that allows AL G. Rhythm to manipulate his son to work with him. Lebron, forced into the Warner Serververse has to make a team and is stuck with the Looney Tunes. He thinks they could win if they stick with the fundamentals but between the new rules and bias ref, they’re losing badly. So badly an argument breaks out between him and the Toons during halftime. When he figures out he’s treating them like his son, he realized the only way to win is to let them be them. With that knowledge, he ask his son for forgiveness and earns it. After winning the game, he lets his son go to the E3 Game Camp instead of the Basketball Camp.

Winner - Sequel. Lebron has an actual connection with Looney Tunes as a kid, was excited to meet Bugs, has a character arc that takes place throughout the entire movie. Even if you think he’s a bad actor, he at least felt like he was invested in the story.

THE REFERENCES

Original - For Background Easter Eggs, you got a few Looney Tunes Alumni, though they do repeat. Cameos feature other Basketball Stars and Bill Murray. And references are to things of the 90s: Dennis Rodman, Pulp Fiction, Beethoven and Babe, and for some reason Disney. I think the most clever is Larry Bird appearing. In one of the few sports things I know, Larry Bird and Michael Jordan were rivals. How do I know this? I played an NES game about their rivalry.

Sequel - Background and References subtle and not were all about Warner owned properties. As old as Casablanca to as new as Rick and Morty. We got to see the DCAU once more, references to old Looney Tunes gags and places, MC Hammer, Hanna-Barbera, Mad Max: Fury Road (and one I think is a Nostalgia Critic Reference) and so much more. In fact here’s a video featuring them all. Favorite of mine, Michael Jordan’s Cameo.

Winner - This is all your own preference so feel free to pick who you think wins here.

THE SOUNDTRACK

Winner - No competition. Between the title song (turned meme), the inspirational song (sang by someone who doesn’t know how to use a toilet), and the Monstars Anthem the new one can’t compete. But I will say for those thinking that Porky Rapping is “cringe”, the original also had a certain Rabbit rapping. 

THE VILLAINS

Original - The Big Bad is Mr. Swackhammer, owner of Moron Mountain and voiced by Danny DeVito. Sadly he doesn’t do much but be the big bad boss of Nerdlucks. As their tiny small self, they don’t leave much of an impression but they really stand out after stealing the talent of stars and become Monstars. They become big, mean and slightly more different. 

Sequel - Al G. Rhythm is an algorithm the Warner Brothers studios use to help make movie ideas. He wants some recognition and thinks if he can get Lebron on board he can earn it. Sadly, when Lebron refused, he didn’t take it well. So when he saw Lebron’s son take interest in him and ran away from Lebron, Al used that to his advantage. With that, he makes Lebron force to play a basketball game while manipulating his son to not only allow him access to his data but get him to play as well. The Goon Squads are a result of that as its Lebron’s son’s data on other basketball players mixed with superpowers.

Winner - Give Don Cheadle a Disney+ Show Disney! As great as Danny DeVito is, he’s just not in it long enough like Al. Can be manipulative yet also very agro.

THE TOONS

This category will be done differently. I’ll be focusing on their takes on Bugs, Lola, and the Rest. I am not including Daffy in this equation because he’s perfect in both.

Bugs - In the original, Bugs is Bugs. Wisecracking, carrot chewing, master manipulator as always. In the Sequel, he’s one of the few that stood in Looney Tunes world because that’s where he could be him. But the loneliness made him miss everyone (after all, how can he pull off schemes and pranks without victims). And while in the original Bugs saves Lola from being squashed, Bugs risks his life to ensure Lebron doesn’t get deleted when executing the glitch. It makes Bugs’ actions seem more noble than just saving the girl he likes. 

Lola - In the original, she’s a “sexy” no nonsense girl who plays basketball, and that’s it. And despite her attitude, became a damsel in distress and Bugs’ prize for rescuing her. in the sequel, she wants to do her own thing, even doing an Amazon Trial to become one, but failed to complete it when Lebron and Bugs was in danger and finding out Lebron’s son was in the line. So she’s there to give the team another good player and also be a moral support. In fact, its thanks to her that Lebron realizes what he’s been doing to his son.

The Rest - If the original got one thing over the Sequel, its number. A lot more Looney Tunes play in their game in comparison. With the exception of Granny who was a cheerleader, every toon was in the game at one point. I can’t say the same for the Sequel. With that said, the Sequel did get to show their personalities more. Like compare Wile E. in both. In one he gives the Monstars a bomb. The other has him using an Acme device, placing bird seed on the button to get the Roadrunner to press it repeatedly, only to have himself be caught in said machine. They all got the chance to do their thing instead of sharing a spit take.

THE BIG GAME

Original - The Looney Tunes are losing badly in the first half. Why? Because they didn’t go looney for... Reasons. After being tricked into drinking Michael’s “Special Drink”, then they decide to go looney. This allows them to catch up but then the Monstars decide to take them out, which they do despite these attacks being pretty tame to what they can normally take. With a few seconds to go, Michael scores one more basket to win.

Sequel -  The Looney Tunes are losing badly in the first half. Why? Because Lebron is forcing them to play normal basketball despite their opponents and the game itself is anything but normal basketball. When they came back, they came back Looney and managed to catch up and even get ahead. But then Al decides to cheat since he controls the game. Thanks to this being the kid’s game, they know that if they perform a glitch they can take control away from Al long enough to score one more point and win. And thanks to Bugs’ sacrifice and his son moving a power up right underneath him, Lebron slam dunks the final point and wins.

Winner - The sequel. There was no reason for the Looney Tunes to be less looney in the first half in the original and its short live as each one gets taken out. Meanwhile the Sequel gives a valid reason for everything to happen.

My Winner - Space Jam: A New Legacy

Both movies are basically overgrown commercials trying to get you to buy stuff. The original was based off a Shoe Commercial and banking on your nostalgia on Looney Tunes and Michael Jordan the Basketball player to make you interested in seeing him back on court and new Looney Tunes content. The new one is basically for HBO Max. And both movies have also not credited people who deserve to be credited. But between the two of them a New Legacy actually feels like its trying to justify its existence. 

Lebron has a connection with the toons through childhood, has actual stakes in the game, and actually feels invested in the events. The original was basically the Nike commercial stretched to a movie length. And to me, that makes a New Legacy a better movie.

[dilfdoctordoom]

👀 give me all your thoughts I know you have them

Bette Kane

How I feel about this character: She is my everything. I love nobody as much as I love her. I am at all times thinking about Bette Kane

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Dawn, Hank, Charley, Barbara, Helena, Artemis, Donna & I think she & Luke Fox dated for a little bit in high school before deciding to be just friends

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Gar!!! Her & Gar are best friends & they shouldn’t be romantic

My unpopular opinion about this character: Don’t know if she’s known enough to have any unpopular opinions, but bitchy Bette Kane should be brought back. They defanged her a lot & I don’t like it, let her be the worst it was really funny

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I really wish that in the N52 Batwoman series, the Kate&Bette dynamic was changed so while Kate had all her military training & was older, Bette had more vigilante experience & they had to learn to work together & learn from each other

my OTP: Hank/Dawn/Bette has a special place in my heart, I’m an eternal sucker for ArtyBette, but when it comes down to it... Bettenelli is simply superior

my cross over ship: *looking pointedly at my drafts* well gee I guess I think her & Danny Rand would have a fun dynamic. Also, Betty Brant for that good ole hero/reporter dynamic

a headcanon fact: she’s bisexual, she is, it’s a fact

Danny Rand

How I feel about this character: I’ve only recently gotten into Iron Fist comics but listen. LISTEN. He’s the love of my life, okay? Got it? I would die for this dumbass idiot disaster man

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Luke, Luke&Jess, Misty, Brenda because I thought they were just funny, Matt, I read a surprisingly good Peter fic so hm. Something there

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Colleen. I know they’re the main romance of the Netflix series, I know they had a thing for a little bit in the comics, but shut up, she’s his exhausted best friend

My unpopular opinion about this character: He’s not annoying. After Netflix, I think that’s an unpopular opinion

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish his TV show didn’t suck balls. I wish that The Living Weapon wasn’t canon (but Pei & Brenda stick around). I wish Marvel would pull the trigger & admit that he & Luke are in love

my OTP: Danny/Misty because they’re cute okay shut up Danny really loves her!!! & obviously Jess/Luke/Danny but in that specific order. Jess & Danny are both dating Luke but they aren’t dating each other, they’re just bffs

my cross over ship: The one mentioned above but also, in whatever universe where DC & Marvel are co-existing, I think he had a fling with Oliver Queen before Ollie went to the island

a headcanon fact: He’s Asian-American. Fuck Marvel

Felicia Hardy

How I feel about this character: My mean wife. I would let her murder me without any hesitation she’s so pretty

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Peter, MJ & Cindy. Matt is allowed but only if it’s a disaster. Danny Rand has a crush on her which she thinks is adorable

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Johnny!!!! They’re funny little shits & they should be allowed to get in more hijinks together. All the Marvel Divas, I like Felicia having friends

My unpopular opinion about this character: Plot twist assholes she was in love with Peter Parker the entire goddamn time re: everyone who keeps trying to insist that Felicia has only ever loved Spider-Man. Shut up, they’re the same goddamn person & Felicia loves him 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish Dan Slott had never come anywhere near her

my OTP: PeterFelicia is cute, okay. SilkCat is where it’s at though. Cindy & Felicia... soulmates

my cross over ship: Jessica Cruz or Dick Grayson because she likes dorks but only if they’re pretty

a headcanon fact: I was gonna put that she’s bi, but that is canon & Marvel has just ignored it so. Hm. Dan Slott never happened to her, this lady was never the queen pin of crime

MJ Watson

How I feel about this character: I love her so much... angel... sweetie... darling...

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Peter, Felicia & Gwen, some goddamn respect

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Harry

My unpopular opinion about this character: All opinions about MJ are inherently unpopular (as she would want) but Marvel should stop moving her away from the arts re: her being a reporter in PS4, that weird nightclub thing, etc. I’d say TAMJ was a step in the right direction except I hate that book so :/

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish she was still married to Peter. Also, that she’d get her own MJ-As-Spider-Woman AU. Or MJ as a superhero in general

my OTP: GwenMJ & PeterMJ & especially PeterGwenMJ

my cross over ship: MJ Waston date Koriand’r challenge

a headcanon fact: She is not straight. Or cis, for that matter

Peter Parker

How I feel about this character: Look at the little bastard man off to do his little bastard things... will he make good choices? No! Will I continue to support him regardless? Yes!

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Okay, here we go, damn: Johnny, MJ, Gwen, Harry, Flash, Ned in the MCU shut up we all know why it isn’t popular (see: racism), he’s definitely at least made out with Bobby, more that I can’t think of right now, Felicia Hardy

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Matt Murdock. No, shut up, their friendship is important to me specifically, they just love each other a lot, okay? And it’s unconditional &nstupid & they’re dumb & I love them. Jessica Jones, too, because I think the idea of her having a crush on him in high school & local hoe Peter Parker not noticing is funny

My unpopular opinion about this character: The only consistently good Spider-Man series in the past, like, decade is FNSM

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: In a very specific thing, I wish that Peter had picked up the phone & called Matt in the Sins Rising arc because Daredevil was such an important part of that original arc & I dunno, it just doesn’t work & it would’ve been really interesting to put Matt back in the role he played in the original story especially with where Matt is in her own series, ya know?

my OTP: SpideyTorch & PeterMJ

my cross over ship: okay, concept here: Kyle Rayner & Peter Parker

a headcanon fact: bider-man, bider-man, does whatever a bi spider can...

Elektra Natchios

How I feel about this character: Murder wife, has never done anything wrong in her entire life

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Matt & Nat

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Logan!!! They’re best friends

My unpopular opinion about this character: @ Daredevil tv series fans please just say you’re racist & leave

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish she never met Frank Castle. I wish she had female friends for a change

my OTP: Nat/Elektra. Love Matt but he & Elektra aren’t endgame even though it kills me violently to admit that

my cross over ship: Talia Al Ghul. I will not elaborate

a headcanon fact: aside from the obvious ‘she’s bi’, I think Elektra has a dog

Matt Murdock

How I feel about this character: Himbo idiot love of my life make a good decision I love you

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Elektra, Foggy, Danny, Luke, Kirsten & Mila

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Peter (see: above), Luke, Nat, Jessica, I think it’s very funny when you put him in the same room as Moon Knight & Felicia

My unpopular opinion about this character: He’s disabled, you idiots, that actually does affect his day-to-day life

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish he’d go to therapy, no, Matthew, confession does not count

my OTP: Matt/Elektra, Matt/Foggy & Matt/Kirsten

my cross over ship: I wanna say Hal Jordan... specifically after the Spectre I think that’d be funny, if Hal just casually drops that literal, actual god was basically his boss for a while

a headcanon fact: he gets mistaken for Scott Summers a lot

[baebeyza]

Lemme just talk about characters I have lots of feels for - Sixshot edition

So this is mostly for characters who are not in much stuff and/or don’t get much fandom love either, but I love them and wanna talk about what potential they have ~ And because I have such feels for many characters, I’ll just go with just my sweetie Sixshot today :D

So SAY GO! ~

Sixshot has 40 seconds of screentime in the G1 cartoon and that’s pretty much it with his appearances in the american transformers shows. (yes he’s in IDW, I’ll get back to that)

But the japanese G1 continuity had plans for this guy, and DAMN, did I love them!

And I gotta talk a bit about his character first - he’s a killing machine, a one robot army. And that’s it. That’s how other people see him and it’s what he himself sees him as.

But that isn’t to say he’s without depth. Him being only seen as a ruthless, yet loyal killing machine is part of his story in the Headmasters cartoon.

Galvatron, despite being in good terms with him, only saw his as a loyal killing machine who would do anything for him, even sacrifise his own body for Galvatron’s advances. But what does Sixshot do? Betray Galvatron which led to Galvatron’s death by ice water.

So that shows us that Sixshot is not in fact just a loyal goon who does whatever he’s told, he does have his own agency and will not just let himself be treated like a mindless goon either. 

And the last four episodes show us even more about Sixshot:

First off, he and Megazarak have some tension which leads to Sixshot being stranded on a foreign planet and Megazarak leaving him behind, saying “wanted to dispose of him anyway.”

And when Daniel, my boi, got stranded on the same planet, we see that Sixshot really isn’t the ruthless killer he’s always made out to be, because he does not harm Danny.

In fact he saves him from the stone creatures of the planet!

So this is what he does when he has no orders from higher up’s to do bad stuff. He basically does every evil thing he’s told, because he’s loyal to his bosses like that, but his actual character isn’t ruthless.

There is a saying that one’s true colours only shine when they are alone or think they are alone - Sixshot is alone in this episode, no other decepticon is with him and like that he makes his own decisions, and his decision is to save and care for this one human boy.

And this is really what intrigues me about this character - he’s seen as one thing only, a killing machine, when in reality that’s not at all what he is.

But he has the abilities for mass destruction and that’s what he’s used as, and he doesn’t mind it for the most part.

Sure he went against Galvs when he wanted to sacrifise him and he actually said fuck you to Megazarak when that guy was being a dick to him, but he didn’t seem to mind the destruction the had caused for them, because he too saw himself as nothing but a weapon either.

And this kind of view of Sixshot exists in IDW1 as well btw - the way Megatron talks about him in #Devastation suggests as much. 

And while I didn’t read all the issues with Sixshot in it, I did read what happens in them and here I am disappointed that they didn’t take a similiar approach to his character like Headmasters did.

I mean “form doesnt dictate function” would have fit so damn well with him! 

The story you can write with Sixshot, the one Headmasters implied, is one of self-actualisation.

A character who is used for his powers for things he doesn’t actually desire to do, but does it anway, because that’s what he believes his function to be, not realising that it doesn’t have to be this way.

Someone who can have a journey that makes him come to the conclusion: “Wait a minute, I don’t wanna do all this destruction and my bosses don’t care about me, they just want me for their own gain!”

I guess that’s what they did in Transformers Legends, make him be friends with Daniel, leaving the decepticons, helping Star Saber, bring back the friends of Chromedome he killed and using a new identity as Greatshot to become a full on autobot. (PS: Greatshot appears in Victory, but if the writers of that show actually thought of him as a version of Sixshot is debatable)

 I did like Greatshot a lot, gotta say ~

So in a way the story I’d like to see with Sixshot has been done, but not a lot of people know about it, and damn, I would love to see this kind of story again, with more time invested in it (remember, most of this was just in the last 4 episodes of headmasters and Victory never said that Sixshot is Greatshot. Also he draws moe manga in Legends so I am not sure how serious those can be)

But you know, I guess there is one last thing about Sixshot I’d love to see:

HIS SON QUICKSWITCH!

Quickswitch is a character who appeared in commercials back in the day and was stated to be Sixshot’s son who joined the autobots and FFS WHY ISN’T THERE ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

Quickswitch appears in almost nothing and while his japanese counterpart, Sixknight, was a nice character in Masterforce, he has no connection to Sixshot/Greatshot whatsoever.

Like COME ON, you have a evil dad with good boy son, you can make a story out of that!

Even more, you have evil dad who has some really good potential to turn good, because that’s what happened already!

Make it work with his son dammit! 

Like I dunno, maybe Quickswitch never let himself be used as a killing machine and joins the autobots before any decepticons has a chance to manipulate him.    Maybe he hates his father at first for being a killing machine, but realises that Sixshot just didn’t realise himself yet that he has can choose to not act as a weapon of mass destruction.

Instead of Danny making Sixshot realise that he does care for others, it could be his own son. A son he had repressed feelings for.

Ajshadksj so much oppurtunity for some great father/son drama, BUT nothing is there! >:(

What the fuck Hasbro and Takara, are yall afraid to explain how robots can have kids or what?

PS: I am planning to make this a series and talk about more characters I’d love to see more off or would love to see a specific story about. And I did something similiar with Cyclonus and Galvatron before, you can read it here ~ I’ll just tag it with fave character ranting :D ~

[asnakewithwingsisadragon]

Updated list of the bitches in this system because Gods know we needed it, go!

• Fae- Actual owner of the body. Has not been fully “themself” since they were like 6 (when Harl got here). Always co-cons with someone because they can’t stand being out alone.  Doesn’t know or care what we do with their life. Terrified of people. Has left us alone for extended periods of time. If you think you’ve talked to them, there’s a 99% chance it was actually Claire, Amanda, or Becky.  Actually a very sweet kid, but very hurt. Will go to the end of the world for their friends. Can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. Paints themself as a bitch but is a softie. Their mom cannot tell the difference between them and Becky. Diabetic, to Nidia’s displeasure. Closet Gryffindor turned Slytherin in order to survive.

• Amanda – Our system’s “guard dog”/Head Bitch in Charge. Much more complicated than that. The real author of Fae’s thigh scars (barely visible now), and maybe the only reason we made it through high school. The little voice that says “kill everyone and blame it on me”. Zero concern for consequences for herself. Impulse control consists of “Jail is awful and Fae doesn’t deserve it”.  She’s over 30.

• Lisbeth (Sally)- Just…Sally. The other voice that wants to kill everyone but doesn’t because she actually thinks about the consequences of her actions. Max is technically her partner, but we don’t talk about that (you can ask). I think she’s 30-something, but might as well be Fae’s age.

• Claire- Possibly Fae’s projection of herself into different universes. She can be 6, 17, 24 and 35. Last name Constantine. From Liverpool. Awful accent. Please don’t call her Australian. Another closet Gryffindor turned Slytherin.  Most of Fae’s friends are actually hers. Has been Fae for longer than Fae has been Fae. Likes soccer and we’re sorry. Punk. Hella Punk. Also hella broke.

• Mara- Claire’s sister (maybe twin). Approach with caution. (One of the several sexual alters, can be the same ages as Claire) Responsible for most of Fae’s awful dating decisions.

• Valentina- Rarely comes out, but she’s apparently God? We don’t know. Seems like she knows everyone, though. She always looks 20-something, but we know she’s older.

• Nidia- Claire’s daughter and the pure incarnation of Fae’s ADHD. A Jedi. Weirdest kid EVER. Super compassionate. Wears heart on her sleeve.  Can be 5, 9, 16 and 21. Impulse control is 100% artificial, but existent. Can, like Amanda, drink up to 3 cans of Monster Energy Drink in a row without batting a lash. Will eat ALL THE CANDY. The reason we need to carry an extra insulin syringe with us most of the time. Pours fun dip and sweetarts into her drinks. The kind of kid child leashes were invented for.

• Hellena- Mara’s daughter. STAY AWAY. Evil incarnate. Abusive A.F. Can and will destroy you. In her 20’s

• Christine- Hell’s identical twin. Remember that girl in Mean Girls who wants to bake a cake out of sunshine and rainbows and smiles? Christine is that cake. Rarely out. Same age as Hell.

• Evey- Hell and Chris’ big sister. That one kid with the pink hair and lots of tattoos. Zero impulse control.  Always looks like a teenager for some reason (not over 25)

• Vlad- Agender/Genderqueer mystical creature of the forest. Valentina’s child. Awesome person in general. Permanently 17.

• Harley- Yup. THAT Harley. You know the drill. She’s actually the one who makes all the fun plans because she’s the one who has the energy for it. Gets along with everyone until she doesn’t. Can drink us all under the table. Can drink you under the table. Has been Fae for longer than Claire has been Fae. Was the first one here, so she has tattoo privileges. And dating privileges. And everything privileges, basically. If I say how old she is, I may not live to see another day. Fae’s real mum. Will take you to Petco on exam week to pet puppies. Will yell “doge!” out loud.

Pets every dog. Will steal Teddy from Max.

• Edward- Mr. Nigma, sir. Somehow has better makeup skills than all the girls here combined.  If his attitude was as nice as his eyebrows, he’d rule the world by now. EVERYTHING HAS QUESTION MARKS. Knows more than anyone.  Is actually a genius. Wastes his time trying to school the little ones (and trying to get Naya to use proper words).  Smug bastard. Probs 40-something.

• Cass- Also from comics. EVERYTHING IS YELLOW (yiyo). Doesn’t talk much, but is always fun to have around. Will make you watch animated movies and take you to Starbucks. Will also make you work out. Can be 5, 9, 18 and 25. Smol Cass is a fan of pokemon. If it’s yellow, it belongs to her.

• Naya- Cass’ child. Has her own language, featuring words like “kaijukata”, “pakato”, and “omashii” (“Kaiju attack”, an insult of her own invention, and her word for “mother”.) There are no sidewalks, only pedestrian lanes. Biggest Kaiju Enthusiast. Wants to be Mako Mori.

• M.J.- Has been here for as long as Harley has. Isn’t around as much. The difference between her and Claire is that you can actually understand what MJ says when she gets mad. Probs 25 forever.

• Danni- Amanda’s daughter. Will also fuck you up. Has the weirdest kinks.  23

• Miranda- Danni’s daughter. Don’t ask. Also a sexual alter. 21

• Martha- Miranda’s sister. Level-headed.  A psychiatrist. 21. Actually the most mature person in this head, along with Tári.

• Alice- Nidia’s daughter. Also a psychiatrist. Likes psychoanalyzing people. Type 1 bipolar. Thinks all Arkham inmates are humans and wants to help. Will probably end up as an Arkham Inmate herself. Age slides. Toddler Alice is the devil. Can be 5, 9, and 21

• Alyssa- Mara’s best friend. Take Alice out of wonderland and teach her ballet, then add a sprinkle of Luna Lovegood. Permanently 17-ish.

• Robin- Alice’s little sister. Wants to be Carrie Kelly when she grows up. Terrified of squirrels. Can be 5 and 18. Lesbiab. Lesebeb. Girls. Yes.

• Tári- Alice and Robin’s eldest sister. Autistic. Genius extraordinaire. Loves to talk to Eddie. Often one of them leaves the conversation feeling stupid (it isn’t Tári). Loves Legos. REALLY LOVES LEGOS. Forensic Anthropologist/ wants to be Bones when she grows up. Vegetarian. Can be 12/17/21.

• Frances- Harley’s kid. Don’t ask, this was super weird. Frances herself is super weird. She hears voices. The voices tell her to do things. She rarely listens. Actually super polite. Has “opal” hair. 18-20. We don’t really know.  If we’re gonna have a sub-system, it will probably be because of Frankie.

• Shilo- Shilo Wallace. Infected by her genetics. Her nightmares are the worst. Once made Amanda and Sally fight over a pair of combat boots just so she could get to keep them. Probably Becky’s best friend in here.

• Bellatrix- That one got here on her own. Over 50. Still looks great.

• Azula- also got here on her own.

• Cassiopeia- Bella’s biggest mistake. Best teacher ever. Resident hipster chick. Is actually here to keep a little group of alters from causing too much mayhem.  28.

• Ascella- Lesbian extraordinaire. Sees dead people. I’m not even kidding. Permanently 23.

• Jamie Moriarty- Another one who got here on her own. Our self confidence boosts and power trips. Will maybe kill someone. Better than you and is not afraid to let you know.  Fae’s teachers were terrified of her.

Everyone’s terrified of her; I don’t know who we think we’re kidding. 32.

• Lestat- Fae’s gay vampire boyfriend. Is rarely around anymore. Probably for the best. 260-ish years old. Prick.

• Lindsay - THE definitive Sexual alter. From a comic book oneshot. Amanda on steroids, but if Amanda knew how to socialize. Loves horror, movies, photography and monsters. 26. 

• Becky - Called “morbid” for a reason. Disabled as all fuck. Autistic/ADHD, connective tissue disorder. A lawyer. Loves to argue. Jon Crane’s wife (at least here). 30ish. Always cold and always in pain. If we cancel plans, it’s most likely her fault and she’s sorry.

• Liliana - Necromancer. Big Titty Goth GF. We love and cherish her, alcoholism and all. Will never be over Jace and she knows it.

• Chandra - Pyromancer extraordinaire with severe ADHD. A lot like Fae in a lot of ways. Decidedly Pansexual, thank you very much. 25.

• Vraska - Ravnican to the core, but also a fantastic pirate. Great leader, good friend, fun to be around. Has the huskiest voice in the system. Has the worst flashbacks out of all of us. Can be 19 and 29. • Kari - Vraska and Jace’s kid. Hypermelanistic gorgon, telepath like her dad. Fun to be around. Can be 7, 12 and 25.

• Ral - Very very Izzet, and very very gay, and we love him for it. Very intelligent, good at fixing and making things with his hands. Confident, charismatic, and a workaholic. Tomik’s husband. Sometimes with Max. In his 40’s

• Tomik - Ral’s husband. Quiet, but very caring and polite.Also very smart and hard-working, always loves to learn new things and meet new people. 27-ish. Very gay, too. Makeup skills up there with Eddie’s.

• Teysa - Tomik’s boss. A Boss Ass Rich Bitch, and we love her lots for it. Very polite and interesting to be around. Could buy us all and our families ten times. Old, but looks to be in her early 30’s.

• Avacyn - An angel from Innistrad. Here to protect us. Really likes listening to old pop-punk and emo music with Max. Very sweet to be around, although she can be a little literal-minded.

• Olivia - A Vampire and a bitch. Liliana’s...ex? Something. A lot like Teysa, but much more fun-loving and impulsive.

• Nahiri - Doesn’t come out much. Stern but caring, very savvy, doesn’t take anyone’s crap. Can hold on to grudges like her life depends on it. 

[365days365movies]

January 6, 2021: Last Action Hero (1993) (Part 1)

Let’s have some fun, shall we?

Comedy is my favorite genre, and I obviously also love action. So, when looking at the subgenres to cover this month, action-comedy most certainly was at the top of the list. But what exactly is action-comedy?

Exactly what it sounds like, funnily enough. Action-comedies rely on physical action sequences to further the plot, but also inject dialogue with humor and jokes throughout the script. Entertainment and amusement combined into one beautiful, succinct package. I’ll be judging the writing for these movies on how much they made me laugh while watching it. That said...

OK, so, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Last Action Hero. Schwarzenegger isn’t exactly the most emotionally expressive actor in the world, as you’ve probably noticed. And expressiveness is somewhat necessary to express humor. Look at Eddie Murphy up there, and see how expressive he is. Schwarzenegger...doesn’t have that. At all. But, this movie could still be funny! Shane Black wrote it, and he wrote one of my favorite guilty pleasure Halloween movies, The Monster Squad. So, I’m looking forward to this movie for that in and of itself. And with that...

 Recap

We start with a sick guitar lick on Christmas Day, as a group of cops close in on a criminal known as the Ripper holding children hostage at an elementary school. But then...Jack Slater (played, naturally, by Arnold Schwarzenegger) arrives. And yes, this is a parody character and scene, meant to lambast all of the stereotypical renegade cop tropes that I’ve literally never seen in a movie. Like, I guess Lethal Weapon and Beverly Hills Cop have it, but I think this character concept has been Flanderized into...well...Jack Slater.

Slater kicks a cop through a window with a Schwarzenegger-esque action line, and CRUSHES A RADIO LIKE A NAPKIN. I appreciate Schwarzenegger making fun of himself like this, and we’ve only just begun. Jack goes through banter with the Ripper (Tom Noonan), who...is unironically terrifying. Holy shit, that guy is creepy as fuck, and his stylized ax is intimidating as hell. And as he holds Slater’s son hostage out of revenge, the two face off with some cool action beats, and...

...Shit, I think I want to watch this movie. And I don’t mean Last Action Hero, I mean the in-universe movie that our actual main character, Danny Madigan (Austin O’Brien) is watching. Danny’s a big Jack Slater fan, and one of the only patrons of a movie theater owned by Nick (Robert Prosky). Nick, a kind old man, invites Danny to see the next Slater film before anybody else. And honestly, I get it. I’d watch this movie series unironically if it existed, real talk. Mostly because it seems fun.

Danny’s skipped school just to see this movie, and he walks into his English class, where the teacher shows Lawrence Olivier as Hamlet. Fun fact! The English teacher showing it is played by Joanne Plowright, Olivier’s real life wife! Very sweet! Anyway, Danny, bored by a goddamn classic movie, conjures a different movie in his head.

Fuck yes. I need this movie to exist. 

We learn from Danny’s mother (Mercedes Ruehl) that his father has recently died, and he spends far too much of his time watching movies at Nick’s theater. I look forward to this revelation never being explored. As he’s headed to the theater when he isn’t supposed to, he opens the door at the exact wrong time, and A ROBBER BREAKS INTO HIS PLACE, OH SHIT! Confronted with the type of real danger that he’d see in an action movie, and with no action hero to save him, the robber finds nothing of value and leaves the place. He gets rescued by the cops eventually, and they tell him to go home. But, no, he goes...to the movies.

Mom might have a point there, sport.

While he’s there, Nick brings him in, and begins to monologue to him about his past in the theater business. And that monologue introduces the MacGuffin of the film: the Golden Ticket, given to Nick by Houdini himself, and an alleged portal to another world.

So, is this gonna be more of a Pagemaster situation, or a The NeverEnding Story deal? The Golden Ticket is torn for admission, Danny sits down, and the movie-in-a-movie begins in earnest. In the film, Slater’s cousin Frank (Art Carney in his last film role) is being held hostage by the crime boss Vivaldi (Anthony Quinn), and his henchman...one of the most immediately visually interesting characters I’ve ever seen in a film...in a FILM.

Benedict (played by Charles Dance), is immediately a fascinating character, essentially a non-Marvel Bullseye, and a gunsman with flawless precision. And yeah...I dig it. Oh, how I dig it.

Jack Slater arrives in his snakeskin boots, and discovers Frank, who delivers a message in the cheesiest death sequence I’ve ever seen, followed by the cheesiest bomb compound I’ve ever seen, followed by a bigger explosion than anyone would’ve expected, FOLLOWED by...OK, look, the references to other action movies in this are already ridiculous and all over the place, and I refuse to spoil them all for those of you who’ve never seen this movie.

By the way, I gotta make a comment about Danny real quick. Watching this many action movies may have made him a little...detached...from reality. I say this because he expressed no shock or emotion during or after the robbery, then went immediately to the movie theater, and had no reaction whatsoever about the death of the two cops in the movie. Little budding sociopath, that Danny.

Although, that might change, now that the ticket’s getting all magic-y, and a stick of ACME dynamite (actually in the film, I swear) makes its way into the theater. It explodes, and Danny inexplicably (magically, even) finds himself in the movie. So, Pagemaster, then.

Danny’s complete lack of reaction and emotion in this situation confirms my theory on him being a liiiiiiiiiiittle detached from reality. But then...the most gloriously stupid thing I’ve seen this month happens.

Arnold proceeds to make a pun that is NOT “Nasty brainfreeze,” and I am disappointed forever. Who wrote this? Who wrote this?

We get a car chase fueled with jumps, gunfire, puns, a casual mention of premature ejaculation, and Coca Cola product placement, all accompanied by Danny finally showing a modicum of reaction to the fact that he is IN A FUCKING MOVIE. REACT MORE, DANNY. At his age, I would have soiled myself immediately. At MY age, I would soil myself if this happened to me! Anyway...

OK, I just have to say this now: this movie has some of the most insane shots and set-ups that I’ve ever seen, and by GOD, I am here for it. Like...Did you SEE the motorcycle dress girl panic while a man WAS ON FIRE IN THE BACKGROUND? Earlier, a car does an INSANE jump and crash and explodes in the BACKGROUND, and the movie just treats it like a pigeon flew on set! Nobody cares! THE SCENES IN THIS MOVIE MAKE INSANITY AN ART FORM.

Anyway...we get to the LAPD, and...HOLY SHIT. IS THAT…

Was that Sharon Stone as Catherine Trammel from Basic Instinct, and Robert Patrick as T1000 from Terminator 2? I...but...wait...if...how...I’m broken now. 404, blue screen, reboot, update needed, WHAT?!? I...just...SO many questions, and this movie better answer them.

We see some added insanity, including a man with a houndstooth suit which I DESPERATELY WANT but could not pull off. There’s literally a buddy cop generator, where we also see a rabbi cop, and an Amadeus reference is dropped as F. Murray goddamn Abraham (playing a cop named Practice) appears in this movie, and THEN...an animated cat cop sexually harasses a female cop. I am not joking.

Am...am I insane? Also, if I was in the theaters watching this movie-in-a-movie, I would be both angry and confused as to what in the FUCK was happening!!! WHY IS THERE AN ANIMATED CAT COP IN MY JACK SLATER MOVIE? WHO DIRECTED THIS BULLSHIT (in universe)?? Also that cat was recently suspended, and is also one of their best men.

And then, Danny uses his knowledge of the Jack Slater franchise to break down the barriers of repressed affection between the chief and Slater, and it’s briefly heartwarming for some reason. Anyway, they’re now suspicious of his knowledge of Slater’s life, and this leaves to the inevitable buddy cop pairing of Jack Slater and Danny Madigan. This art-deco something walks by…

...and I desperately need to know more about the art direction of this film. Because, wow, it is an absolute masterpiece of randomly exaggerated shit, damn.

To prove his point about being in a movie, Danny goes to a Blockbuster, which... man, does THAT bring me back! That’s right you young whippersnappers, I WAS THERE FOR BLOCKBUSTER IN THE ‘90s! We used to go to the store and look at the VHSs. I remember seeing The Lost World there, but my dad said I was too young for it. I was sad, but he got me some candy and a Really Wild Animals video, and we watched it that night after Carmen Sandiego. My God. It was paradise.

Anyway, Schwarzenegger doesn’t exist, and find out that Stallone has taken over his roles.

...I’d watch that. I’d watch the HELL out of that. Danny then uses some legitimately impressive math to dissect the “555” number thing in movies, as well as pointing out the lack of non-conventionally attractive women. Which, credit to you, kiddo, for addressing the overwrought emphasis on conventional attractiveness that permeated Hollywood at this time, and to this day. I mean, he’s not criticizing it, but he is pointing it out, and that’s better than nothing in the ‘90s.

Danny guides his way to Vivaldi’s house, where the butler is...Professor Toru Tanaki! He looks exactly like Odd Job from the James Bond series, but the actor is SubZero from The Running Man! You know, the hockey killer!

Anyway, after crack about Schwarzenegger’s “I’ll be back” line, a conversation with Benedict (who has a smiley face instead of a bullseye), and some terrible CGI dogs, Benedict becomes correctly convinced that something’s up with Danny. They arrive at his house, and his college-aged daughter Whitney (played by Bridgette Wilson, in her first film role in and out of the movie, in a neat little twist!) kisses Danny directly on the mouth, and I’m a liiiiiiittle uncomfortable with that. Anyway, we brush right past that, and realize that his son...died. Oh. Uh. Guess we didn’t see the end of that movie, huh? Yikes. Poor Jack.

Hey, Benedict and his gang arrive at Slater’s place! Fun! There’s a sort-of amusing play on “harming a hair on one’s head,” and the interrogation continues. Charles Dance is legitimately threatening as Benedict. And, while we’re at it, Bridgette Wilson has an entertaining action sequence all her own.

Anyway, Jack arrives, and makes a ridiculous jump off of the balcony to pursue Benedict. Benedict name drops getting a tank, which I’m assuming is named the Chekov (film trope reference there, have a good time). Danny realizes that he’s the comedy sidekick of the movie, and at this point, I need to mention something: in case you haven’t noticed, this film is delightfully meta. And I love that about it. 

But it’s also...cluttered. You’ll see what I mean in a little bit, but real talk, I didn’t realize that Benedict had stolen the ticket until Danny mentioned it, because I was apparently quite distracted. And this is an important plot point, as Benedict soon realizes the true power of the ticket, cleverly overlaid by the opening to the Twilight Zone, with Rod Serling mentioning traveling to another dimension. Also...his eye was a bomb. What. Anyway, that explosion results in Slater officially getting fired from the department, and the chief...

Um. Yeah, this movie is also kind of a cartoon, not including the cartoon cat. And you have no idea how much I’m omitting from this movie. The digitization of Humphrey Bogart, the fact that Slater can’t say “fuck” in a PG-13 movie, the surprising character realization that Slater’s ex-wife is actually remarried, the clearly dominatrix cop clad in leather, the fact that there’s a plan to detonate a nerve gas-infused bomb stuffed into a dead man nicknamed Leo the Fart at his own funeral, a digitization of Humphrey Bogart. Yeah, I said that last one twice, because the effect actually holds up really well, like, seriously.

OK, let’s take a break, yeah? Part 2 later today!

[taiey]

50 Best Clara Lines

Nothing is more important than my egomania!

Tomorrow’s promised to no one, Doctor, but I insist upon my past.

Good guys do not have zombie creatures. Rule one, basic storytelling!

Threats don’t work unless you deliver.

Is it like an addiction?

There are billions of unlived day for every day we live. An infinity! All the days that never came—and these are all my mum’s.

I can’t keep doing this, I can’t do it! ...yes I can, of course I can. I’ve got it all under control.

Come back tomorrow. Tomorrow, I might say yes.

Come on! We’re on a roll! Monsters, things blowing up.

—wasn’t enough. She has to do it again.

It wasn’t terrible. It was boring. It was ordinary.

I was scared lots of times, but never of being lost.

So this is tomorrow then. Tomorrow’s come early.

Be safe, if you can, but always be amazing.

This time I will get it right. This time I will be souffle girl.

What would you do now? No. What will I do now?

Shut up and give me some planets.

I keep the book ‘cause I’m still going.

That wasn’t a leaf. That was page one.

I’m the Impossible Girl, and my story is done.

I say leg it.

I’m not afraid. I’ll leave that to you.

Dare me.

Saved the world then? That’s what we do.

Why does everyone think I am so scared? We all face the raven in the end. That is the deal.

That’s why he’s the boss. A soldier so brave he doesn’t need a gun. He can keep the whole world safe.

Can Cybermen fly?

Those words from me are yours now.

I’ve never seen lava.

Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one. Marcus Aurelius.

I'm not Clara Oswald. Clara Oswald has never existed.

I'm the Doctor. Doctor Oswald. But you can call me Clara.

To you, I am a ghost. We’re all ghosts to you. We must be nothing.

If Danny Pink can do it, so can I. Die right, die like I mean it, face the raven. 

I dispute that assertion!

Come on. You're not getting off that lightly. There's work that needs doing.

I’m here. As long as you need me.

It’s never about the security. It’s about the people.

You were going to kill this man, remember? Why show compassion then, Skaldak, and not now?

I have always known I was meant for great things. Ever since I saw those mysterious lights in the sky, and those strange metal men with their... promises.

I don’t think you’ll get it wrong. I think you will get it very, very right.

There’s a whole world out there. A galaxy, a life.

You’re talking, but all I hear is meh meh meh. Come on, let’s go!

You see, now, that attitude is... actually very attractive.

Jane Austen. Amazing writer, brilliant comic observer, and strictly among ourselves, a phenomenal kisser. 

Rule number one of being the Doctor. Use your enemy's power against them.

You know when someone asks “what’s your favourite book?” and straightaway you forget every single book that you’ve ever liked?

Because I love him!

See you next Wednesday.

Come on, why can't you say it? I was the Doctor and I was good. 

[punchmedanny]

Chicago II July 25, 2018

Alright strap yourselves in cuz this is gonna be a long ass post WITH SPOILERS for Interactive Introverts. I will mark where spoilers begin if you want to read about pre show stuff. If you don't want any spoilers whatsoever, don't feel obligated to read this even if we're buddies! Feel free to send me an ask/dm instead 😅

Alright folks, let's go!

Playing the Waiting Game

I was supposed to get to the venue at 4 for m&g, but I got there before 3 because a) i'm terrified of being late and b) my uber driver made excellent time.

The venue was not open yet, so my bf and I walked to a nearby mall. We passed by the tour buses (presumably dnp's plus other performers'). There was a group of people hanging around them looking v stalkerish (please don't hang around the buses before the show)

We got back to venue around 3:50 and waited in line outside till 4 when the venue let us in. We were near the middle of the line, so if you want to be closer to the front, get there sooner lol

Turns out I was behind the lovely @noodlephil in line (although I didn’t know till after!)

Two internet friends were meeting for the first time and crying (it was adorable)

Inside, there was a table with staff that checked and marked our tickets then gave us silver paper wristbands

We got in a second line where we had a bag check (our venue allowed sealed water bottles, but that might vary) and were scanned by a wand metal detector. After that, staff scanned our tickets 

We went to a third line which was the actual line for m&g and were told the m&g itself would start around 4:30

Marianne came by and said we would be waiting a bit longer for "latecomers" (im p sure dnp were the latecomers because most people were there at that point haha)

Marianne walked like a frickin goddess and her voice was beautiful

She made a speech giving us a rundown of how m&g would work, which I recorded

The m&g area was set up in the lobby to the side of the theatre doors

Dan and Phil entered from our left (towards the back of the theate)

They jogged across the m&g backdrop where we could see them better and waved. Dan did the cutest bouncy jump ever while waving. He stayed out longer than Phil

There was a table to set your bag on as you approached the backdrop

The music was loud af and there was NO WAY to see or hear other people's m&g - it was v private even though there were tons of people

Marianne was at the very front of the line and asked what she could do to help. I was like uhhh (because I'm eloquent like that) and she asked if we had anything for them to sign. My bf had golf balls lmao and gave them to her. I said I wanted to take a Polaroid for them to sign. She had me turn the camera on because apparently they’d had issues with Polaroid cameras in the past

I thanked her for the way everything was being run and joked a bit while we waited

When it was our turn, the people in front of us were completely gone (I repeat: v private). Marianne gestured and verbally told us to go on in

Meeting Dan and Phil

Phil was wearing his red jacket and good vibes t-shirt just like the beginning of "week in the life" He welcomed us with open arms and I went in for the Phil Hug. Wow. Phil is an excellent hugger and his arms felt a lot stronger than I imagined. And, yes, he waited for me to let go first

As soon as I let go of Phil, I stepped to the side and and looked at Dan. He was wearing his II denim jacket over a white t-shirt. He also had his arms wide for a hug. And lemme tell you, that boi has a fuckin wingspan. Dan gave a more gentle hug than Phil and we let go at like the same time

I am not a hugger and wasnt even 100% sure before I went in that I would hug them tbh

After the hugs, I stepped back and took them both in that's what she said. My initial impression was confidence and class. Literally, the most confident people I've ever encountered irl

Everyone says they're tall, but they are, as my bf said, taller than advertised. He's 6'2 and still looked up to both of them. I feel like they're both close to the next inch up honestly

They are wide. Like we've all noticed the Phil is wide, but Dan is too! They are literal giants

The cameras do NOT do them justice. Phil looks his age irl and I mean that in the sexiest way possible. He does actually have pores and tiny wrinkles (gasp), but I think they only make him more attractive. He oozes understated masculinity. But he also has serious nerd energy and idgaf attitude. Basically, he seems kind of badass

Dan looked flawless. Like I know every so often people wonder about if he wears makeup and all imma say is either he does OR he has the best damn skin care routine and/or genetics ever. He looks like someone after they use a filter

I'd say dan is suave and phil has swagger

(I'm about to sound real fucking weird) They both had such strong auras or energy or whatever you want to call it. It was palpable and BIG - like it extended off of them a couple feet. Dan's felt more static-y, while phil's felt more like balloon about to burst. It merged together between them to where I couldn't tell where one stopped and the other started

Marianne handed Phil the golf balls and he and Dan just stared at them in his hand in confusion for a second then Phil said "golf balls?" before my bf explained it was because they were the caddy lads. They chuckled and Dan said it was "the only series that has any value"

I am now the proud (?) owner of photos and video of phil holding two balls in his hand and I feel really weird about it

Dan asked if I had anything for them to sign, so I told him I wanted to take a Polaroid to which Dan replied, "D'ya want me to attempt the rare Polaroid selfie?"

Then I actually gently teased Dan (!?!?) because I'm a little shit lol I said, "I successfully did one this morning, so I hope you can"

They both seemed mildly amused and he did the thing where he touched his chest lightly in mock offense and said, "Well, let's see"

Tbh I think this was why I got genuine smiles in my pic

Dan said, "Beautiful" and Phil said "Amazing" lol (it really was tho)

Dan described the signature he'd be doing as "the tiniest little dan" and he used the highest voice ever

Phil's signature was so bad im pretty sure dan laughed at it lmao

Dan offered another selfie with my phone (i love him)

I shook their hands before I left and they seemed surprised, but appreciative. They both had excellent handshakes: firm, but not too hard. They both had soft, warm hands with Phil's being about average and Dan's being warmer than average

Overall, they were incredibly kind and professional. The vibe to be was sort of like talking to a boss who isn't your direct boss at a work party: fun, but still guarded

The saying goes "Never meet your heroes," but whoever said that obviously never met dan and phil. This was one of my happiest memories of all time

1500+ word description of the meeting including a sommelier worthy account of how the boys smell

And here’s the (real shit) video of my m&g

The Pre-Show

After meeting the bois, we were immediately given our goodie bags (one of them was double stuffed, lucky me)

Staff asked if we’d be staying in the theatre or not. Upon telling them we’d be leaving, they let us know we’d need to scan out so we could re-enter later

We bought merch (tie-dye/marbled look tee, long sleeved tee, and denim jacket). The line was basically non-existant, so if you have VIP 100% get your merch at this time

We scanned out and were told we could re-enter at 6 along with general admittance ticket holders

We had dinner then got back around 6:10. There was no line this time and we went through security and ticket scanning again

There were so many people everywhere and everyone was so cute! Why are we such a good looking fandom??? The line for merch was EXTREMELY long. RIP those folks

So was the line for the restrooms (and multiple men’s rooms were turned into ladydoors women’s restrooms)

We got 2 drinks (both for me) then went to our seats. We were front and center - I could literally touch the stage with my shoe from my seat. At this time I met @phandommom and @crunchytoasted1

The pre-show music was loud af where I was seated (I actually put in ear plugs lol). Lots of people were dancing and I got to witness crunchytoast dance to “Ladydoor” live which was a treat. At one point various people were running across the theatre with various LGBT+ flags to plenty of cheers. ‘Twas glorious. People did the whole waving the phone flashlights thing and sang along during “Welcome to the Black Parade”

My bf got me 2 more drinks

Showtime! 

THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS START!!!

It was so, so weird to see them onstage after having the m&g. I legit wanted to climb onstage and like be close again, but, ya know, I didn’t cuz I know what’s socially acceptable

We were called Susan. Classic

Phil was wearing waffle socks. As in socks with tiny waffles all over them

We sacrificed Phil to Satan and Dan died in a furry nightclub

None of mine or my bf’s answers got chosen and I’m a bit salty lol

We sacrificed Dan (the only correct choice fite me)

At intermission the line for the bathrooms was sooooo long omg. I got myself 2 more drinks at this point and called @h-owllslide to gush about the show. I spilled one of my drinks on my bf a little when I sat back down.

Danny was 3 centimeters away from loosing his dick and he got paint on his shoe. He seemed legit irked lol

Nick Jonas was in Dan’s box, but I don’t recall the other two cuz that was the only one that mattered imo

I got a piece of the sign and when they threw it into the audience it was a bit disturbing how everyone tore into it like a swarm of pirahnas

They wore Cubs baseball shirts over their usual shirts during the rap/song finale which was absolutely precious. I LOVED the finale so fucking much - it was magnificent

END SPOILERS!!!

Closing Thoughts

I wish I hadn’t drank so much (6 wines for those of you keeping track at home). I was getting real embarrassing by the end (as in screaming excitedly too much/ too often) and I don’t remember it as clearly as I wish I did. I was just freaking tf out and my anti-anxiety meds weren’t cutting it

I was struggling incredibly hard not to disassociate the entire time

I wish I could go to another show. It was so fun!

The following day, I had a major mood drop. If you’re prone to this, maybe have a plan to hang with someone and do something nice, but lowkey the next day

This was literally the most fun thing I’ve done in at least two years and was one of my happiest memories ever. We’re talking patronus conjuring levels of happy

If you can go, go. If you can’t, don’t feel too bad. It was EXTREMELY intense and not for everyone (especially m&g). Plus they are putting it up later, which I’m looking forward to because I think I’ll be able to better absorb it

Please feel free to ask me anything about the show! I’d love to go on about it lol

[mermaidsirennikita]

January 2019 Book Roundup

New year, new reading challenge, etc.  After a decidedly bad start, I found 1) a very fun, very Gothic thriller 2) a sad but well-written YA contemporary about toxic friendships and 3) a fun Holly Black sequel.  Not a total loss, then!  My favorite book of the month, all things considered, was really probably Holly Black’s The Wicked King--if largely because the ending was exactly what it should have been.  On to February!  I’ll try to read a bit more romance that month, juuust to rub my own single-ness in a bit more.

Lie to Me by J.T. Ellison.  1/5.  Ethan and Sutton seem like they have it all--he’s a famous author, even if he has been struggling with writer’s block for years; she’s a successful romance novelist, though her recent run-in with a nasty reviewer online has tarnished her reputation.  Though they were shaken by the loss of their baby, they seem to be getting it together.  Until Sutton goes missing, with a note to Ethan warning him to avoid looking for her.  I won’t say much more, because you can probably guess the plot here, save for some twists that weren’t really twists because they were only there to shock and made very little sense.  This book ripped off Gone Girl to a degree that wasn’t so much capitalizing on the domestic thriller craze as it was literally ripping off Gone Girl.  This was just kind of stupid.

Luna and the Lie by Mariana Zapata.  2/5.  Luna works at an auto shop, and has for years, while supporting her younger sisters.  One of her bosses has become a father figure to her; the other, Ripley (or “Rip”) is the bane of her existence.  However, when Luna is invited to her grandmother’s funeral, she is concerned about coming into contact with her estranged family again.  In a bid to stay protected, she asks Rip to accompany her--which leads to her keeping a secret for him.  Honestly, I don’t even feel like I can properly give this a review because it just kind of bounced off of me.  I don’t mind a simple, even kind of dumb plot as long as I’m enjoying myself, and I just wasn’t here.  But someone else might!  A Zapata book’s enjoyability, I’ve learned, lives and dies on whether or not you’re into the male lead.  Rip was like...................... the opposite of my type.  So it didn’t work for me.

The Au Pair by Emma Rous.  4/5.  On the day that Seraphine and her twin brother, Danny, were born, their mother Ruth flung herself from the cliffs outside their ancestral home of Summerbourne.  Shortly after the death of their father twenty-five years later, Seraphine discovers a photo taken on the day of her birth, before Ruth died--but in it, Ruth is holding only one baby.  Increasingly obsessed with the truth behind her past, Seraphine seeks out Laura, the au pair employed by her parents before the twins were born.  But the more Laura avoids her, the clearer it becomes that what happened that day at Summerbourne may be worse than Seraphine imagined.  This book is ALL about the atmosphere.  It’s got a Gothic vibe, with the characters’ obsession with family and Summerbourne adding this super creepy edge to everything.  I can’t say that the plot is especially fantastic--I did see the ending coming, and I can’t say that much here was super revolutionary.  But the tone?  A+.

The Wicked King by Holly Black.  4/5.  In the sequel to The Cruel Prince, Jude has now had control of Cardan, the new High King, for five months.  This makes her the true power behind the throne--but her relationship with Cardan is not an easy alliance.  Struggling with her attraction to Cardan, Jude is warned that someone close to her is a traitor; and in order to keep her power, she must uncover that person’s identity as soon as possible.  This book was so dependent on the love-hate dynamic between Jude and Cardan working.  And oh, it does.  The tension between them simmers.  Their dynamic is easily the most compelling part of the book.  And the rest is good, too--I’m not one of those people that thinks Black has reinvented the wheel regarding the fairy thing in YA... because she hasn’t.  But this was *fun*, and I enjoyed it.  I could do without some of the cringey aspects of Black’s fairies (I refuse to call them faeries).  Overall, however, I’m really excited for the next book--the ending really sealed this one.

White Stag by Kara Barbieri.  2/5.  Janneke has lived in servitude to the goblin Soren for nearly a century, given to him by his wicked uncle, Lydian.  Just as she realizes that her humanity is slowly eroding, the Erlking dies, leaving a power vacuum.  Determined to keep Lydian from ascending to the throne, Janneke joins Soren in the hunt for the White Stag--the future king’s source of power--and along the way struggles with coming to terms with both her past trauma and her uncertain future.  This book has a great premise, but is bogged down by a lack of worldbuilding and slow pacing.  It just couldn’t keep my attention, despite the fact that I am an admitted sucker for sexy goblin books (HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEE).  Furthermore, although I appreciated Janneke’s trauma and the fact that she still hadn’t come to terms with it, something about the way it was handled felt rather clumsy?  Well-intended and not exploitative, but... yes, clumsy.  I wouldn’t be against trying something else by Barbieri as I think she has potential, but the pacing ultimately killed a lot of my interest in this one.

Our Year of Maybe by Rachel Lynn Solomon.  4/5.  Sophie and Peter have been best friends since childhood; and Peter has been sick the whole time.  Now that she’s turned eighteen, Sophie is donating her kidney to Peter; and she secretly hopes that this will be the catalyst for the change in their relationship that she’s long wanted.  But after the transplant, Peter is different--he’s free for the first time in his life.  Free to pursue new interests, a life separate from Sophie--and Chase, a boy he likes.  As Sophie and Peter grow apart--both struggling with guilt and gratitude--they find themselves forced to define a relationship that may be growing toxic.  First off, I love the way that Solomon writes her characters.  They’re so real and flawed and sometime straight-up assholes.  I also love that Peter is bi and this is just kind of a part of him--but a part he’s never really been able to explore, due to his illness.  There’s a lot at play here, and neither Sophie nor Peter get a villain edit, which is refreshing.  They just... are incredibly codependent.  And there is a good deal of attraction going on there, which adds to the complexity of what they’re dealing with.  And really, neither of them have ever had anyone else to lean on outside of family.  This book is basically just digging in to Sophie and Peter’s relationship; outside of that, there isn’t too much plot.  But that?  Is really good.  Is it quite as good as Solomon’s debut, “You’ll Miss Me When I’m Gone”?  Not really.  But God, she’s a breath of fresh air in YA contemporary.

Echo North by Joanna Ruth Meyer.  3/5.  After hardship debilitates his family, Echo’s father journeys out to sell his wares.  Echo finds him lost in the woods, at the mercy of the very same wolf that scarred her years before.  The wolf gives Echo an offer: if she spends a year in his home, her father will be set free.  Taking the deal, Echo finds herself in an ever-changing house full of living books and secret rooms, with the wolf as her constant companion.  He sleeps in her room at night, with only one rule: she must never light the candle to look at him in the dark.  As you can imagine, this is an “East of the Sun, West of the Moon” retelling.  And there were so many things I loved about it.  The writing style is super pretty, exactly what you’d want from a fairy tale.  Furthermore, Meyer plays with some really interesting concepts that I hadn’t seen before.  But... I never was as emotionally attached as I wanted to be.  Nothing really surprised me.  I’d like to see what she does next, but I do think she needs to work a bit on character development and emotional intensity.

[jayackkles]

Mr Green Eyes

Jensen Ackles x Reader

Summary: Special Agent Y/N is assigned a security case for Jensen Ackles, the star of Supernatural.

They come from two different worlds.

So what happens when they both start falling for one another?

Y/N could loose her entire career, and so could he.

But from every cliché book and movie, we all know that’s never how it ends.

Warnings: Language

A/N: No hate towards Danneel or the kids, I absolutely love them, but just for the sake of this fic, they don’t exist.

Usually I wouldn’t take cases like this, but while being on light duties there isn’t much else to choose from.

My thigh is still wrapped in gauze but the pain is pretty much gone (with the help of some very heavy drugs).

The black SUV pulls up to a massive apartment complex that is at least 30 stories.

Stepping out of the car, My black lace up heels click against the cement.

The doorman sees us pull up and politely hold open the door for us.

My boss, Kyle Holt, walks in front, nodding his head towards the man as he walks through.

I smile sweetly at the man and just as I’m walking through I notice out of the corner of my eye him staring down at my ass.

Typical.

Kyle walks me over to the elevator, thankfully no one is in there as he presses the button for the 18th floor.

“So, how long will I be his little babysitter for?” I ask, not bothering to look at him.

“Y/N, don’t be like that, your lucky I’m even letting you on this case and not leaving you at a desk for the next 4 week.”

Turning to look at him I notice to few grey hairs in his slicked back brown hair.

For a man in his mid 50’s he’s definitely got some good hair.

“Come on Kyle, you know I’m perfectly fine to be out in the field, it’s just a little scratch.”

“You are out in the field Y/N.”

“You know what I mean.”

Turning his full body towards me, his deep brown eyes stare into mine.

“Y/N, you got hurt, I know that you want to go out and help people, but you can’t go and play hero all the time.”

“We both know that I’m far from a hero Kyle.”

Ironically, the elevator doors open then and we step out.

We walk down the hallway and stop at number 206, Kyle knocks on the door and

A muffled “just a minute” comes through.

The door swings open and holy shit.

The person in front of me definitely isn’t what I was expecting.

Jesus Christ can his eye get any greener?

Kyle reaches for his badge and I do the same, flipping it out and showing him.

He doesn’t give anymore than a slight glance before stepping aside and letting us in.

“Thank you Mr. Ackles, my name is agent Kyle Holt.” Kyle reaches his hand out to shake and Jensen takes it.

“Please, call me Jensen.”

Of course his voice is just as sexy as he is.

He drops Kyle’s hand and looks toward me.

I smirk as his eyes quickly travel down my body.

“I’m agent Y/N L/N, nice to meet you.”

He clears his throat and smiles, “nice to meet you too. I’m guessing you guys are here for the new security?”

“Yes, would you mind if we sit down and then we can go over details?” Kyle answers, gesturing to the massive lounge area.

“Of course.” Jensen smiles.

Walking past him I stop just at his side, leaning up a little even with my heels to reach his ear.

“You know, if you wanted to check me out, all you had to do was ask.” I whisper.

Leaning back I see his cheeks turn pink and eyes go wide.

Mission accomplished.

An hour later and we’ve finally gone over everything.

We tweaked a few things to suit Jensen, but other than that everything is going according to plan.

According to Jensen, he and his other bodyguard, Cliff, though it would be a good idea to hire some extra security because of a recent increase in threatening hate mail, plus with an incident that happened at the last convention.

So now I’m the second babysitter to Mr Green Eyes.

I’ll be meeting him every morning, going with him to set and back, along with dinners, lunches, events - basically I’m going to be his little lap dog that follows him around all day.

The other bodyguard, Cliff who I have yet to meet, will be with us also, but only for Monday’s, Tuesday’s, Wednesday’s and Thursday’s.

This is going to be great.

Note the sarcasm.

By the time the car pulls up outside my apartment complex my leg is aching and all I want to do is lay down.

Before I can make it out of the door, Kyle is grabbing onto my wrist.

“What?” I snap.

“Be on your best behaviour Y/N, i don’t want to find out that you’re being a bitch to one of our clients.”

“I’ll do the job Kyle, don’t worry.” I spit back, voice laced with annoyance.

Tearing my arm out of his grasp I step out of the car, wrapping my leather jacket around my front as the cold Vancouver air nips at my thin white tee.

Slightly limping to the elevator, I press the button for the 10th floor.

The elevator stops at level 2, letting in little old Miss Wesson.

I smile sweetly at her as she steps on.

“How was your day Miss Wesson?” I ask.

“Oh it was wonderful my love, I got to see my little baby grandson today.”

I smile, I’ve always wanted kids, still do, but with my life I highly doubt I ever will.

“That’s great! I bet he is as cute as Dalton when he was a baby.”

Dalton is her son, he came out about 6 years ago and about 4 years ago he met Danny, they got a donor about a year ago and now they have a little boy named Tyler.

“Oh trust me, he is. Now enough about my day how was yours dear?”

Miss Wesson was always like a grandmother to me, when I’d go away on a case she’s always go up and feed my German Shepard, Max, and get Dalton to take him on walks.

“It’s alright, I’m finally back on a case, just a little one since I can’t do to much because of my leg.”

“Oh that’s wonderful my dear! I know you can’t talk about it but is this one exciting?”

I giggle, Miss Wesson always took an interest in my job, she would even watch the daytime crime shows just to know a little bit about what I do.

“It’s just a security job, but the guy is very, very attractive.” I lean forwards and whisper the last part.

She gasps and looks towards me, laying a hand on my arm.

“Maybe I’ll be seeing him?” She asks.

Miss Wesson was always telling me how much I deserve a great man in my life, one that will take care of me, give me babies and that is also, according to her, very, very attractive.

“Maybe, he also has amazing green eyes, your favourite.”

She gasps and places a hand over her mouth.

“Oh stop it Y/N.”

I laugh just as the elevator doors open up to my floor.

“Goodnight Miss Wesson.” I say as I step off.

“Goodnight my dear.” She says with a smile just as the doors close.

[yeetyeet2121yeet]

All. Of. Them.

Oh god who are you? It's 1:30am! I'll do 100 questions for you, Anon1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?•The Curse of Curves - Cute is What We Aim For•Bang Bang - Green Day•Revolution Radio - Green Day• Family - Mother Mother• Summer Dress - July Talk• If U Seek Amy - Britney Spears2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Probably Dan/Phil3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.'I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me'-page 22 of Will Grayson Will Grayson bc page 21 only had 16 lines4: What do you think about most?How people see me 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Gn - the wise words of Ryley6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?Depends lol7: What’s your strangest talent?well, for being 14 I can talk people out of suicide pretty well8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)GIRLS LOVE GIRLS AND BOYSBoys can wear makeup too9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?yeah, multiple times, both songs and poems10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?like, a week ago11: Do you have any strange phobias?I bloody hate having my window exposed at night 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?yeah13: What’s your religion?I'm not religious 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?probably making flower crowns15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?It depends16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?OH GOD NO I CAN'T17: What was the last lie you told?I told someone I was okay18: Do you believe in karma?sort of19: What does your URL mean?It's my preferred name and the year I was born20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?I think my forgiveness is both21: Who is your celebrity crush?hmmm,,,,, I don't really have one22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?yeah23: How do you vent your anger?I text a friend and rant 24: Do you have a collection of anything?yes25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Video chats26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?Well, the real me, yes. The me I present at home and school, no. 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?My mother's voiceMy friends' voices28: What’s your biggest “what if”?What if everyone is just pretending to like me?29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?I'm not sure about ghosts, but aliens have to exist. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.R- A wallL- my bookshelf31: Smell the air. What do you smell?Me. I smell me. I smell my room. 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?Home. 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?West because British Columbia 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?OHGOD I CANT35: To you, what is the meaning of life?To be true to yourself36: Define Art.Anything you create37: Do you believe in luck?Yes38: What’s the weather like right now?Dark af, but mosty cool39: What time is it?1:36am40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?nah and nah 41: What was the last book you read?Carrie • Stephen King 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?HELL YEAH43: Do you have any nicknames?Yep! Annie, Bean Stalk, Ann, Jo, Twinkie Jo, Daddy (my guy friends are wierd shush), Master (once again, my guy friends hate me) and Hoe44: What was the last film you saw?Rocky Horror Picture Show 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Well, I had a soft palate cleft as a baby, but it wasn't as bad as the stuff you see on TV. Mine was just in the roof of my mouth46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?Yeppo47: Do you have any obsessions right now?nah48: What’s your sexual orientation?I don't label that. I like who I like when I like them.49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?oh hell yeah50: Do you believe in magic?Yes51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?For a week or 2, then I get over it52: What is your astrological sign?Libra 53: Do you save money or spend it?Save54: What’s the last thing you purchased?Three Days Grace • Three Days Grace (CD)55: Love or lust?Love56: In a relationship?Nope57: How many relationships have you had?One, and he was a douche58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?nah59: Where were you yesterday?In my room. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?nope61: Are you wearing socks right now?its 1:43 am hell no62: What’s your favourite animal?cat63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?Listen to them. Pay attention to them64: Where is your best friend?Calgary or like, some hard to spell state ( @unbuttered-toast help) 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.@unbuttered-toast@nocturnal-spleen@dennys@psych2go@accio-shitpost66: What is your heritage?Uhm, like Ukrainian, Irish, English, round them parts67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Talking to Roan68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?McBitch69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?..yeah..70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?yes, ofc71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?SAVE THE PUPPO 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?a) yea ofcb) I'd be 100% mec) maybe. I don't know73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.Love, bc trust is a part of love 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?The Danny Phantom theme. Shut up. 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?451476: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?TRuST and COMMuNICATION77: How can I win your heart?Be a decent human, ffs. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Maybe. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Reaching out to people on here, bc ive made so many friends 80: What size shoes do you wear?Like, 5?81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?You got what you wanted. Don't you dare cry now. 82: What is your favourite word?Trust83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.Love84: What is a saying you say a lot?SUck My ASs85: What’s the last song you listened to?The Curse of Curves • Cute is What We Aim For 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?Black, purple, silver, gold87: What is your current desktop picture?Literally its just black. Nothing else. Just black. 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?Matt/Jaxon89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Who I really am, but only around my school peeps and relatives90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Fucking kill myself before they can91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Mind reading92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?That half hour at camp where we were all watching Up, and Roan and I were cuddling, Ty had my hand, and Lily was lying on my legs. That was a good half hour. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?All the bad things that happen at home94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?No one, they're all WAY older than me 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?America to see my friends 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?Probably, its my fucking relatives97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Yep98: Ever been on a plane?Nope99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?FOR FUCKS SAKE LOVE EACH OTHER

[the-desolated-quill]

Listen - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Something I’ve been crying out for as we’ve been going through these episodes is something new. Something different. Something that isn’t just the bog standard, monster of the week format that has become boringly commonplace in New Who. Listen provides just that.

Compared to previous episodes, Listen is much more slower paced, atmospheric and contemplative, which makes a nice change of pace. I also like that the Doctor isn’t just randomly landing somewhere and happening upon an evil plot to take over the world this time. Instead we get to explore the more methodical and science-y side to the Doctor’s thought process. He’s developed a theory about creatures that have evolved to be perfect at hiding, and is travelling to different times and places to test that theory. There are really so many different kinds of stories you could tell in a setting as flexible as Doctor Who’s, and Listen proves that in spades.

It seems Moffat is going back to basics with this episode. No complicated plots or wibbly wobbly, timey wimey bollocks. Just a nice, simple story like Blink that draws tension and fear from everyday things. Blink had statues. Listen has the unknown. It plays on the childlike fear of a monster under the bed or hiding from view waiting to get you, and on a first viewing it’s really effective. By far the best scene in the episode is in the children’s home with Rupert Pink and the ‘monster’ on the bed hiding under the blanket. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been properly scared by Doctor Who, but this absolutely terrified me. When I first watched it in 2014, I was cowering behind a cushion, and I think the reason it works is because of the subtlety that’s involved. It’s not in your face like other Who monsters have been. Its fear factor comes from what you imagine is going to happen rather than what is actually happening. The scene at the end of the universe is very effective too because of this reason. Using nothing but some creaking pipes, Moffat is able to create something intensely frightening by letting our imaginations do the rest. Who are these creatures? What do they want? What do they even look like?

And a big, shiny gold star has to go to Peter Capaldi, who after the disaster that was Robot Of Sherwood has been given darker material to work with again, and he knocks it out of the park. I loved his scene with Rupert and his speech about how fear is like a superpower, and what I find very interesting is how this Doctor isn’t very reassuring. We’ve had moments where Matt Smith and Christopher Eccleston’s Doctors were very blunt about the level of danger, but Capaldi is not only blunt about it, he actually adds to the tension and makes these scenes even scarier. He’s not there to protect you anymore and that’s something I’m really not used to seeing, but I like it.

Listen is a very different episode. One that’s refreshingly subtle and smaller in scope and scale, thus giving it a greater impact. But different doesn’t necessarily equal good, and sadly Listen doesn’t work on a number of levels.

Like I said, the episode is really scary on a first viewing. In fact I’d go as far to say it’s just as scary as Blink. But the thing is Blink still holds up on multiple viewings and the Weeping Angels are still just as scary the first time around (obviously we’re not including the sequels here where Moffat started to bastardise his own creations). In Listen on the other hand, once you’ve seen all the twists and turns and had a peek behind the curtain as it were, it loses its fear factor dramatically. And it’s much easier to spot all the numerous flaws in the narrative when you’re not having the living shit frightened out of you.

Was there ever a monster under the bed? The episode kind of leaves it open to interpretation, but I think it’s safe to say the answer is a definitive no. There’s a rational explanation for everything that happens (the thing under the blanket could be another kid playing a prank. The creaking pipes could just be creaking pipes. The Doctor could legitimately have forgotten he wrote something down, etc.). In fact the episode foreshadows this with the disappearing coffee cup that turns out to have been stolen by the Doctor. Also there’s the Where’s Wally joke:

The Doctor: “Where’s Wally? He’s not in this book.”

Rupert: “It’s not a Where’s Wally one.”

The Doctor: “How do you know? You may not have found him yet.”

Rupert: “He’s not in every book.”

It all builds up to the final twist, which is that there is no twist. Fair enough, i guess. Moffat asks some questions and provides some adequate answers. But it’s not exactly satisfying, is it? And it has an adverse affect on future rewatches. When you watch Listen again a second time, you’re no longer wondering what’s under the blanket or fearful at the prospect of what’s behind the locked door. You’re just watching a lump on a bed and listening to some creaky pipes.

There are other things I’m not fond of neither. The whole subplot with Clara and Danny just bored me senseless. Like in Into The Dalek, it’s just the same cliched romcom shit you’ve seen dozens of times before. And Moffat clearly expects you to be invested in their romance despite the fact this first date clearly demonstrates the two have no chemistry whatsoever. No, really! Look at them! Clara is callous and bossy, Danny is overly sensitive and a bit gormless, they’re constantly arguing over every little thing and they don’t really have anything in common outside of being teachers. What possible reason do I have to want to see them together when they’re clearly not suited for each other at all?

Also Moffat seems more concerned with developing the mystery surrounding Danny Pink rather than actually exploring his character. You know? Because big, convoluted mysteries dragged out over the course of an entire series is pretty much the only way Moffat knows how to get us interested in his characters. So who is Orson Pink? Is he related to Clara? I don’t know and I don’t care. The astronaut at the end of the universe could have been anyone really, and it wouldn’t have made a difference.

But the thing that pisses me off most about Listen is Clara. More specifically, how Moffat uses Clara in this episode. I’ve always hated Clara (I may have mentioned it one or several times over the course of these blogs) and Listen really highlights the flaws in her characterisation. Moffat has always had a predilection for female characters that fall into either the mother or dominatrix roles. Clara ends up playing both this time around. She mothers Rupert and then at the end of the episode she takes care of Doctor Jr (oh we’ll get to that. Don’t you worry). Like I’ve said in the past, Clara has no character. She exists solely to prop up the Doctor or whatever male character is important at the time. Hell, in The Name Of The Doctor, she outright says she was born to save the Doctor. That’s her sole purpose in life. Realising the distinct lack of character and independence she possesses, Moffat tries to compensate by throwing all this dominatrix type stuff in in an attempt to make her seem confident and authoritative. She slaps the Doctor again, she tells him to shut up and bosses him around. Except that doesn’t make her a compelling or unique character because all of Moffat’s women behave like this. River Song. Amy Pond. Irene Adler in Sherlock. Their dialogue is pretty much interchangeable. Forcing all of his female characters into these mother/dominatrix roles is not only sexist as shit, it also displays a sheer lack of imagination on Moffat’s part. It’s just boring by this point.

And it only gets worse when you factor Moffat’s humungous ego into the equation. He wants to put his own stamp on the franchise, and fair enough. Except that’s not what he wants to do, is it? He wants to carve his bloody name into the thing and leave a permanent mark on it. That’s why his characters often seem to out-Doctor the Doctor and are the most important people in the fucking universe. That’s why River Song went from being just a future companion that the Doctor hadn’t met yet to being his bloody wife that the Doctor’s entire life revolves around. That’s why Clara was born to save the Doctor and why she seems to have taken charge of the whole show. Not only is she not travelling in the TARDIS on a permanent basis, thus forcing the Doctor to come and pick her up because she’s that special and important she has to have the Doctor permanently on a leash and at her beck and call 24/7, she’s also now able to drive the damn thing. And the Doctor is constantly asking her for validation. For advice and consultation. Let’s not forget Moffat has in the past gone as far as to imply that the Doctor is completely ineffectual without Clara. He’s just thrown the entire dymamic out of whack just so his precious Mary Sue can be the star. And look, I’m all in favour of proactive companions, but at the end of day, it’s not her name in the fucking title. And if the only way you can make your companion interesting is by diminishing the Doctor’s character, you’ve fucked up.

But then Moffat takes it one more, borderline unforgivable step further. Yes, we’re talking about that scene.

Moffat isn’t the first to want to explore the Doctor’s history and add to the mythology. Other writers have done it in the past. From Robert Holmes and the 12 regeneration limit to Andrew Cartmel and the Cartmel masterplan. But one thing you must never do is mess the basics, and one of those basics is the Doctor’s mystery. It’s interesting wondering where the Doctor came from, which is precisely why we shouldn’t know. Finding out the origins of the Doctor wouldn’t make him more interesting. It would diminish him as a character. Which is why I HATE the ending to Listen with a fucking vengeance. Not only should we not be in that barn with Doctor Jr, end of (and on a side note, how the fuck did the TARDIS land on Gallifrey when the planet is supposed to be lost and still in a time lock because of the Time War?), the way Moffat does it is just beyond insulting. The Doctor is motivated by fear?

And the only reason he was able to turn it around and draw from it was because of Clara?

I’m sorry Moffat, but you can fuck right off with that idea. In fact you can take that idea and shove it firmly back up your arse from whence it came.

What’s worse is that it’s his fear the episode revolves around, forcing the Doctor to behave out of character and allowing Clara to step up and take his role in the first place.

Listen is different. I’ll give Moffat that. And it’s bloody terrifying on a first viewing. But it’s also a very shallow and paper thin story that doesn’t hold up to scrutiny and it demonstrates that Moffat’s ego is so massive and so uncontrollable that he’s prepared to piss around with the most vital components of the show he claims to be a fan of in order to leave his mark. Well congratulations Moffat. You have indeed left your mark. And now it’s going to take a very skilled mechanic to repair the damage you’ve done.