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strange-ghoul · 1 year

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Comfort (Transmasc Reader x Cardinal Copia)

You come out to the Cardinal, and he realizes that you haven't been taking care of yourself so well. Don't fret! He's here to help you through this tough time and get you squeaky clean.

Word count: 4,342 Rating: General Audiences || Fluff

Posted On AO3

The night was bright; the full moon was shining upon the gardens below. Here you sat on a balcony that overlooked those gardens. You watched as the wind blew harmlessly past some rose bushes. The garden was well kept, all thanks to Primo, which had always been your safe place. Tonight, however, you couldn't bring yourself to walk along the paths.

Honestly, you were lucky to be out at all. You hadn’t left your dorm in about a week, only to do your mandatory chores and to snag food before going back to eat in your room. You’ve heard only a few whispers from some siblings, but you tried not to let it bother you.

Your dorm became your second safe place, next to the gardens. You had covered all the mirrors and the windows were constantly shut. You had your books to occupy you and whatever videos you saw on your phone. You were currently saving for a small TV, but that was going to be a minute.

This past week, your body and gender dysphoria was getting worse and worse, more than it ever has before. You weren’t out to anybody, as you were terrified of ever coming out. It wasn’t that you thought they’d hate you, no, quite the opposite actually; the clergy was overwhelmingly accepting of everything and anything. Your deep seated trust issues however formed by a long ago negative reaction made you untrusting all the same. Plus, all the change scared you. It was a good change, absolutely, but you felt so much anxiety in having this change that you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. So you barred yourself off. Finding any and all reasons not to wear the dreading habit and not to engage in any social situations in which your gender might come into question.

The night is where you get some time to yourself. You often came out to walk through the garden and breathe. Occasionally you’d help Primo where you could when you saw something amiss while the old man was sleeping. But even recently you didn’t have any energy to go all the way down there to sit and bask in the moon’s light.

You leaned against the railing. You were wearing your habit because it was still early enough where a few siblings might still be walking. You’d rather not have any rumors floating around about losing faith. You hadn’t been really able to do anything with your faith since your issues started to worsen, however this did not mean you were losing it.

There was a creek behind you, and you barely turned your head. The door was wide open, but nobody was there, with the exception of a rat sitting near the doorway. The hair on the back of your neck stood up.

“Hello?” You called out, voice meek.

“Sister.” You jumped out of your skin, the voice right next to you. Copia was already leaning against the rail, looking at you. He wore his black cassock and his eyes had the racoon makeup you always endeared.

“Oh! Cardinal! I’m so sorry, I didn’t notice you,” You apologized, rubbing the back of your neck. You went to shut the door before returning next to him.

“It is quite alright, Sorella. How have you been? I have not seen you in what feels like ages!” Copia asked, a comfortable smile on his lips. You sigh, feeling shitty from the title but knowing he meant well. He didn’t know anyways, so it was in no way his fault. Still, it hurt.

“Yes, yes.. I’ve been… alright,” Your voice faltered, whatever facade you were trying to put up was failing miserably.

“You are a terrible liar. Please, tell me what is on your mind,” Copia’s voice was soft and welcoming, and a part of you just wanted to get stuck in it forever. He reached out for your hand on the rail and gently laid his hand on yours. His thumb caressed the back of your hand.

“Nothing, Cardinal. I’ve just… I’ve got a lot on my mind,” You muttered, looking off into the horizon.

“Let me silence your mind then. You’ve been missing, more than usual, might I add. Some of the others have seen you without your habits and occasionally missing from mass- what is going on, cara?” He turned to you and he grabbed your hand, peeling it off the rail and holding it in both his hands, “Did something happen? Have you lost faith?” He murmured. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking, his voice quiet as if whispering heresys. His eyes were cast downwards, locked on your hands.

“No!” You said, a bit too loud which made him flinch, “I’m sorry, that was loud. No, I.. I have not lost faith. I just…” You took a shaky breath in,

“Yes, sorella?”

“Please, please stop calling me that.” You took your hand back and noticed how much you were shaking. You grabbed the rail tightly again, hands clammy.

“I do not feel… like a sister.” Copia went silent, his brows furrowed.

“Do you not feel cared for within the clergy? I am sorry, I did not realize-”

“No, Cardinal. I do not feel like a girl. I… oh Satanas,” You groaned. This was happening. You were doing it. And to one of the most highest ranking clergy members. You were terrified.

You don’t remember when you collapsed to your knees, or when you buried your face into his shoulder as you sobbed against him, or when you crawled into his lap and he held you. All you remember is the amount of frustration, anxiety, pain, and hurt finally all spilling out in one go. You’ve got no idea how long you cried in his arms but now your head was pounding and you weren’t even sure if he knew why.

“Copia…” You muttered finally.

“Yes?”

“I want… I want to be more like a boy. I.. I’m not a girl.” Copia pulled back, and for a moment, you feared you'd made a big mistake. But instead, he wiped your hot tears away. He kissed the top of your forehead and you looked down. He brought a hand under your chin, drawing you to look up at him.

“Then be a man, fratello,” He looked away, his face turning red before turning back, “May I… kiss you? For comfort, of course.” You smiled and nodded. He leaned in, kissing you delicately on the lips. He was soft and tentative but held you close to him. You kissed back and your hands grabbed at his clothes in a desperate ploy to keep him close to you.

He pulled back and analyzed your face for a moment.

“Ah, we must change your clothes. These habits simply won’t do. Come, I’m sure we can grab some for you. I’ll give you some tips on how I managed pre-t,” He got up and extended a hand towards you. You took it and the two of you headed into the abby.

“How you managed pre-testosterone?” You echoed in awe.

“Si! I am a self-made man, caro. As are you. We should start the rather long process to get you what you need to help you transition as well. Though I’m sure with the Ministry’s reputation, we can speed up that process.” He winked at you and you smiled brightly.

The two of you took off to the laundries. You paid no attention to the looks the two of you got as the both of you ran, hand in hand. Once in there, he began digging through the clean clothes, asking an assortment of questions to gauge the right size for you. You watched him and felt yourself tear up again. Nobody had ever gone to such an extent to make you feel comfortable.

He looked up right at the time a tear fell from your face. He gasped and rushed over to you, “No! No more crying, why are you crying brother?”

You gave him a smile and hugged him. You held him closely, squeezing him, “Thank you,” you whispered. He hugged you back, and gently patted your hair.

“Of course, I can’t have my star sibling feeling down, now can I?” He pulled back.

The door opened to the laundromats and entered one of the senior sisters.

She raised an eyebrow at the scene, “Now what are you two doing out of bed so late?” Her voice was teasing and light.

“Ah! We’re getting Brother here some new clothes. These habits don’t work for him any more,” Copia managed, pulling back and bringing the clothes out like a child presenting a drawing to his mother. The elder sister looked over to you, and you just smiled and nodded sheepishly.

“Ah, well leave this place as clean as you came in please. I hate having to fix it,” She waved as she dropped the basket she was holding, “Goodnight Cardinal, goodnight Brother!” And off she was. The two of you basked in silence, you felt like you were glowing.

“I think I found your size now, let’s head back to yours and take out the rest of your habits. By tomorrow, I will make sure you have a full new laundry set with your dimensions.” The two of you took off back up to your dormitories. There weren’t as many siblings in the halls and you could gander it was getting close to midnight.

“How are you feeling?” Copia asked as you two got to your door.

“Better than I have in the last few years. Relieved? Light?” You tried to answer, “I just feel.. Okay. But not in the ‘im alright’ type way, but that everything is going to be okay. I’m sorry, I’m rambling.” You opened the door and gestured him in, he followed in and looked around the room.

There were your personal clothes littering the room, cans and cups stacked up on your nightstand and books lying around with something random to keep a bookmark on a page. The room was shrouded in darkness, and when he clicked on the light it just felt more depressing.

“Never be sorry for rambling to me, but… Oh my. What is with all the… eh… cloth?”

“Oh! I was uh… covering the mirrors…” You were quiet as you took them down. Your breath hitched as you caught a glimpse of yourself for the first time in a week. You looked tired and frail. You watched yourself as you took off the veil over your hair and saw how greasy your hair was. You felt lopsided. You forgot how you haven’t shower in a week due to your dysphoria and you became even more insecure.

As if he was reading your mind, he rushed to your side, “Let’s ignore the mirrors and room for now. Do you have a bath connected here?” He walked towards the door on one of the side walls of the room and noticed how small the bathroom was after opening. The mirror in that room was cracked, some of the shards still splayed the ground. You winced and looked away in shame. He looked over with pity but didn’t say anything.

“Ah, well maybe come back to my room after we’re done in here for you to relax. You’ve been in here for too long- if you’re okay with that?” You hesitated a moment before nodding slightly, “Do not worry fratello, I will not try anything. I am not like the Papas,” You chuckled at that and sat on the bed. He walked over your clothes and opened the closet. Most of your personal clothes were falling off their hangers or stuffed into one of the three bottom drawers of the closet. Your habits sat on the very end of the closet, untouched and dusty for the most part.

Copia grabbed a handful and laid them over his arm, then he grabbed the rest and did the same. He spun on his heel, “Can you grab your makeup and whatever else you use? Like binders, or a sports bra, really anything caro. I’m going to drop these off in the laundry.” You nodded and he left the room quickly. You delicately walked into the bathroom, grabbing your makeup bag and then going to the closet and taking out two of the binders you owned. You sat on the bed and waited for him. You ignored the mirrors as much as you could, terrified to fall back into the loop you’ve been going through for years now. For once, even if it’s just for tonight, you wanted to be content.

Copia came back quickly, and the two of you walked across th1`e Abby to get to his sleeping quarters. The halls became dim and more decorated gothic till you stopped at his doors. He opened them, allowing you to step in.

His room had a balcony overlooking the garden. He had a fireplace with chairs around it, a queen sized bed, a book shelf, and a larger-than-yours bathroom. At least, it was larger than your closet-under-the-stairs bathroom. In the corner of the room was a large cage filled with different enrichments for his multiple rats.

You made your way to the balcony and noticed how much of the garden you could see up here; you briefly wondered if he’s seen you walking in the garden the previous nights.

“Bello, no? I like to sit up here and feed my rats during the evenings. It’s much cooler.”

“It is, the night is also so much calmer. Less squinting from the glares of the sun,” You commented. He nodded and then laid out your clothes on his bed.

“Relax for a bit, I’m going to run the bath and get it warm for you.” You nodded and walked over to his bookshelf. You read the spines, occasionally taking a book out to flip through it to get a better understanding of it. You noticed he had a lot of books in Latin, and you wondered if he’d teach you if you asked. You heard some chirping and you looked over to his rat cage where they seemed to be staring at you from their various little houses. You cooed at them, giving a little wave when the bathroom door opened up.

“Come, topolino!” You waved bye to the rats and went over to the bathroom.

Copia’s cassock was discarded on the bathroom counter and he was wearing his black pants and a black long sleeved button up.

“Can you undress for me?” He asked hesitantly, before shaking his head vigorously, “Not like that though!! I mean- I want to help you- like… groom you, eh?” He stumbled through, his ears and face turning red with embarrassment.

“I… I would like that. Yes,” You answered, though unsure what he meant fully. You turned towards the bathroom to begin the shimmy of undressing, when you stopped. You met eyes with yourself and it felt like you were staring at a stranger.

He noticed your hesitancy and got behind you, “May I help you?” He asked softly.

“... please,” your voice was weak and you turned to face him and away from the mirrors. He nodded in understanding, kissing the top of your head delicately before taking off your garb.

The habit came off fairly easily and the clothes under it were just a shirt and shorts. He was much more careful with the underclothes; he tried not to linger in any certain place in fear of making you uncomfortable. Once the shirt and shorts were off he folded them and sat them on the counter. He looked over at you and noticed how you were now looking at the ceiling, your body slightly shaking.

“Fratello, look at me please.” You obeyed, looking back down to him, “You are a handsome man, si? Your body might not be the most optimal, but it will always be equally as handsome and beautiful as you are on the inside. Lucifer loves you despite your fears, as do I. You are a man, despite the changes that haven't happened yet, and I and everyone else will always see you as one.” He grabbed your chin and his thumb ran across your cheekbone. His eyes were filled with endearment. He gingerly made you raise your arms with his hands and took off the sports bra. You shivered at the cold air and cringed at the vulnerable feeling.

“You are very handsome and you’re going to get through this,” He whispered tenderly. You nodded. He bent down and helped pull your underwear off. You once again cringed, hating every second of this. He wasted no time in setting these items to the side and rushing you to the bathtub. You put a foot in and shivered. Going from cool heat to hot water always makes your hair stand up.

You sat in the water and leaned against the wall. There were a light amount of bubbles already in the water, hiding your body from yourself effectively enough. He took his gloves off and rolled up his sleeves. He grabbed a cup that was on the counter and filled it with bath water, then kneeled down beside you on the floor and dumped it over your head. He cupped a hand at your eyebrows so you wouldn’t get any water in your eyes. He did this a few more times, making sure your hair was thoroughly drenched before reaching over to grab the shampoo. He poured a bit into his palm and sat the bottle on the floor. He sat up on the bath’s ledge this time, rubbing his hands together to make sure the soap got on both hands and then running his hands through your wet hair.

You leaned into it, his fingers feeling nice against your unkempt hair and itchy scalp. You let out a content sigh as he scrubbed gently, making sure he lathered it well. He cleaned behind your ears and ran a hand from the bottom of your hair up.

“Do you want to cut your hair?” He asked softly.

“Satanas yes,” You looked up to him, “Can you?”

“I don’t think it is a good idea for me to cut your hair, but we can get someone tomorrow morning to do it professionally. Would you like that?” You nodded and he smiled, “Good. I’ll call ahead first thing tomorrow.”

He grabbed the cup again and began to wash the soap out of your hair. He still lightly scrubbed your hair as he did this, pulling out any tangles as he went.

Then he grabbed the conditioner and poured quite a bit out. He was delicate when applying it but made sure it got everywhere he could reach in your hair. He then pulled back, admiring his work for a second before grabbing a hand cloth from behind him and dumping it in the bathtub. He took it out and wringed it out of its water before applying body soap, which he also got from behind him.

“Caro, is it okay if you stand up for a bit? I need to wash you. I promise I’ll be quick.” You nodded hesitantly and slowly stood up. The cold air nipped at your skin and you tried to cover your breasts with your arms so you didn’t have to notice them. He moved with purpose and precision without missing a second. He started at your legs, working his way up and going over your nether regions lightly.

“Mi dispiace but is it okay if I…?”

“Yes, just… be fast please.” He nodded and you took a wider stance so it was easier for him to clean. He was true to what you asked, wiping the area down and going over the pubic hair. Light enough where you weren’t entirely uncomfortable, but enough to make it got you clean. You closed your legs as he dumped the washcloth into the bathtub and cleaned it off, reapplying soap before standing up. He cleaned your stomach and then went over your arms. He indicated for you to turn and so you did. He got your back and went up your neck. He went around your neck, making you giggle.

He chuckled in amusement, “Ah, ticklish fratello?”

“Slightly! Don’t exploit that!” You warn, looking over and playfully glaring.

He shook his head, “Wouldn’t dream of it, caro.” He grabbed your shoulders and shifted you to face him, “However, I do need you to uncross your arms,” You cringed, “Si, si I know. Only for a moment. You need to be clean, and we’ll discuss better ways to do this later, I promise. I doubt you want me to always be the one to clean you.”

“But what If I do?” You ask softly, “I mean not forever, but until I feel better.” He hummed, grabbing your arms and gently pulling them off you to expose your chest.

“I’ll help you in any way you need, mi caro.”

He was quick to soap you off the rest of the way and allowed you to sit back in the bathtub. He left the bathroom for a few minutes before reappearing with a towel and some pajamas.

“Your water will be getting cold soon, you should get out,” He suggested softly. You groaned, not wanting to have to face the mirror before slowly dragging yourself out. He opened the towel and you practically fell into it. He wrapped it around you, bringing you into a backwards hug. He snuggled into you, his body pressing tightly behind you as he nuzzled into your neck. You laughed slightly, feeling relief wash over you as you realize the harder part of the evening was over.

“Alright, change into these and I’ll be waiting for you out here. Can you do that?”

“Yep! I’ll be out in a minute.” He left the room and you slowly shrugged the towel off. You ignored the mirror completely and quickly got your sports bra and underwear on. It helped being able to only see clothes and not the skin. Then you put on the silk pants he gave you and an oversized cotton long-sleeved shirt. They were both big on you, but it worked well for now. You assumed that these were probably his clothes, and your face got a little hot. You look yourself over in the mirror, and you felt a little better about yourself.

You left the bathroom and saw Copia sitting in one of the chairs with a brush on the arm of the chair and scrolling through his phone. He was now in his own pajamas, and the fire was going bright and proud. He put his phone down and smiled brightly once you entered.

“Come here, let me brush your hair. I noticed it was becoming matted, much worse than the rat nests that my pets create,” He joked, motioning you towards him. You chuckle, then followed his orders. He pointed to the floor and you gave him a confused look.

“Sit down there, it'll be easier to brush your hair. I already booked a hair appointment for tomorrow as well.”

“Thank you so much, Copia,” You said as you sat down. He hummed, and ran a hand through your hair. He then began brushing your hair while absently humming a tune.

“You mentioned you’ve done testosterone, have you been through anything else?” You ask without really thinking. You were too deep in thought, staring into the fire as it crackled and popped.

“Si, I have. I’ve medically transitioned as much as is safe for me.” Your thoughts begin to go elsewhere, and your face heats up. You can’t tell if it’s the heat from the fire or thinking of his bottom surgery, and you’d rather not find out, “Though, you do not need to medically transition. You don’t even need to go on ‘t’ if you don’t want to, caro. Do what you think is right on this journey, not what others think you should be doing.” You hummed and a comfortable silence filled the room.

He was careful with his brushing, always grabbing your hair at the scalp if it was a rather tough tug to minimize any potential pain. It took nearly five minutes to get your hair under control.

“Ahh, all done. Now, I want to know, do you wish to do makeup now, or go to sleep and do it tomorrow? It’s just what I find helps best with outlining your more masculine features, so it’s no rush,” He asked, putting the brush down. You got up and sat at the chair opposite of his.

“I think I’d like to sleep. So much has happened and I just want to take it all in, y’know?”

He nodded in understanding, “Si. I will sleep on the couch. You can use the bed.”

You gave him an incredulous look, “What? Your bed is big enough for the both of us, if you want to share that is.” He looked surprised for a second, but nodded.

“Of course, as long as you are comfortable fratello.” You two got up and went to the bed.

The both of you set up your little areas and you stiffly got under the covers, not realizing how different it feels to sleep in someone else's bed. He took note of this.

“Are you okay with this?” He asked cautiously, unsure of how to approach the situation.

“Yes, I’m just… not used to this. At all,” You muttered. It was a lot to take in. The love and care from the cardinal was so much, and you just didn’t understand it fully. He scooted closer to you, wrapping his arms around your lower abdomen.

“Is… this okay?” He whispered into your ear, setting his head down on your shoulder.

“Yeah,” You whispered back. He kissed you slightly on the neck, breathing you in. Your hand fell onto his, and slowly darkness consumed you both. In the comfort of each other's arms, cared and loved for.

#cardinal copia x reader #transmasc reader #trans copia #the band ghost #ghost bc #papa emeritus iv #cardinal copia x trans reader #fluff #comfort #grooming #(as in cleaning and taking care of oneself)#coming out #acceptance #my fanfics

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