#ages 20-23 barely count.

[bookclubforghosts]

Vampire tramp stamp. Switchblade chest tat. Snake forearm tat. Devil and Angel ghosts on my shoulders. Stitched together heart…somewhere. Nose piercing. Helix piercing. Perhaps an industrial bar. He is going to be soooooo slutty.

[sc0tters]

Decisions, Decisions | Sidney Crosby

summary: you begin to prepare for the birth of your baby and the chaos that ensues when Sidney learns about his child.

request: yes/no

warnings: swearing, legal age gap (reader is 23!)

word count: 3.32k

authors note: Luna told me to carry this story on so I did. I decided to make it into a three part series as I don’t know how to end this off (so let me know what you want to see) but I didn’t want this part to get too long. Regular italics are flashbacks and these bold indented lines are how many weeks pregnant the reader is.

previous part | final part

It had been three weeks since you learnt you were pregnant.

10 weeks

You felt sick most mornings but he never noticed.

Sidney played oblivious to the fact that he had slept with you acting like that night had never happened.

Your belly has started to grow but it still wasn’t noticeable “you know peanut the size of a prune?” Connor laughed as he had been reading up about his future niece or nephew “I’d like peanut to let me keep my breakfast down.” You pointed out looking at your brother on the FaceTime call.

Connor had to admit that his heart broke for you going through his alone “he should know.” The hockey player pointed out hinting to the father of your baby.

It made you roll your eyes “until he talks to me I’m not telling him anything.” You mumbled fiddling with the end of your shirt.

The minute you learnt about the pregnancy you called Connor “hey I can’t really-“ he cut himself off the second he heard the sound of you crying “you okay?” Connor asked quickly growing alarmed.

You could barely breathe “I’m pregnant Con,” you announced feeling yourself growing sick at the realisation of what was happening.

Thankfully your brother was there to calm you down “he doesn’t know,” you added hyperventilating as your eyes went wide “who are you talking about?” Connor sat on his bed as he didn’t think you were with anyone at that moment.

“Sidney fucking Crosby.”

20 weeks

You were able to keep Sidney unaware of your baby as you had opted for wearing large sweaters which nobody cared about as it was December.

Sidney had stopped arguing with you as much as he picked up that something was off when you lost the energy to fight him “do you want to know the gender?” Your OB asked as she was staring at the ultrasound screen.

The older woman had a soft spot for you after you let it slip that the baby daddy didn’t know about his child “yes-no-maybe?” You shrugged watching the screen as you didn’t know what you wanted “yes, yes I do.” You finally settling on an answer.

She laughed taking the pictures for you “you are the proud mother to a baby girl,” she announced as you thought you’d be happy to hear that, you dreamed of having a daughter since you were young.

But now that it was a reality you couldn’t help but grow nervous thinking about her not knowing her father.

Surely this was going to be the push that you needed to tell Sidney the truth.

25 weeks

The day had finally arrived, not for you to give birth, but for the rematch against the Blackhawks. This time in Chicago.

You begged Connor to keep his mouth shut but as you watched him cross check Sidney, you knew your request had fallen on deaf ears.

Connor practically had smoke coming out of his ears he was so angry “should have kept your dick in your fucking pants.” He spat as he shoved his finger into the older man’s chest.

Sidney wanted to laugh as the rookie took him on “your sister tell you about everyone she sleeps with?” Sure Sidney knew that you were close to your brother but surely this crossed a line.

The Blackhawks player sucked at his teeth “she tells me about the ones who don’t step up.” Connor pointed out as he hit the older players shoulder before he skated off “what the hell is he talking about?” Sidney muttered to himself as he locked eyes with you on the bench.

He was definitely going to talk to you about it now.

From the moment the game ended you were trying to avoid Sidney, that worked until you got back to the hotel “y/n wait!” The Canadian called out as he saw you walking to your room.

Your legs tried to move faster as you tried to hold onto your notebooks that were in your hand “hey!” Sidney grumbled as he grabbed your hand spinning you around in the process.

The books slipped from your hand landing on the ground with your favourite ultrasound picture sliding right in front of Sidney’s feet.

You felt your heart drop as the boy leaned down to pick it up “is it mine?” His voice was soft as he looked up to see that the colour had drained from your face.

Sidney would have been panicking but this was like the final piece of the puzzle of the words that Connor had put into his head “Sid-” you sighed looking down at the ground “is this child fucking mine y/n!” The hockey player raised his voice causing you to step back with tears welling in your eyes.

Part of you felt like you needed to sit down “if you’re asking if it’s from that night then yes.” You mumbled as you nodded letting your hand slip under your sweater as you felt a kick.

Peanut had been enjoying her active moments during her fathers hockey games “and you didn’t think it was important to tell me?” Sidney let out a dry laugh as he ran his fingers down his jaw.

It was surprising that nobody was seen in the hall as you two had this conversation “you didn’t exactly make it sound like wanted to know about it.” You pointed out as you tucked your hair behind your ears.

The morning after you woke up to an empty bed, actually an empty apartment.

Sidney had slipped out whilst you were fast asleep “sorry y/n,” he mumbled pressing a kiss to your forehead.

There were no two ways about it, Sidney felt disgusting thinking about what he had done. You were this young beautiful girl who had her whole life ahead of her but here he was trying to screw it up. He thought you were beautiful, the kind of girl his parents would want him to bring home. Most of all he loved how you spoke to him, no girl that he’d ever met had that sent him back the shit that he gave you.

Four months ago when his mom came to town and finally got the chance to meet you it took her four minutes to realise that her son was in love with you.

And that was the reason he left. Sidney told himself he that he was doing the best thing for you, because deep down inside if he continued to tell himself that the life of a bachelor was for him then maybe he’d forget about you.

But that wasn’t what went through your mind as you were left hurt with no sign of life from the older boy.

Your pride got in the way and stopped you from ever asking him why he left you that night.

Sidney’s eyes pierced your soul as he contemplated telling you why he left “I had a right to know about this child,” he pointed out crossing his arms.

You scoffed as you rolled your eyes “just like I had a right to know where you were in the morning?” Your words hit him like a slap in his face.

When he remained silent you nodded pushing past him “look I don’t expect you to understand this or be on board.” You announced trying to be mature about the fact that you were growing his child in your belly “but I’ve survived this far and your daughter doesn’t need you if you’re going to not really give a shit about you.” You added tapping his shoulder as you watched him stare at the ultrasound picture in his hand.

With that you decided to leave him as you walked to away “daughter?” Sidney furrowed his eyebrows letting his thumb rub over the image of the baby “you’re gonna be a girl dad.” You nodded leaving him alone in the hall.

Tears formed in his eyes as he realised what his actions had meant for him.

Sidney was going to have to change things quickly.

26 weeks

Sidney sat in the cafe as he patiently waited for you to arrive “hey y/n,” he was clearly nervous as he saw you walk in.

You were wearing your new favourite sweater that had PITTSBURGH printed out in big bold yellow letters on the grey material “hi,” you mumbled awkwardly standing there as he clearly going for a hug “what did you want to talk about?” You asked sitting down in your seat.

He took in how gorgeous you looked even with no makeup on and your day five hair in a messy bun “look I want to be apart of our child’s life.” Sidney confessed softly not wanting possible fans from around him to hear what he had to say.

Your eyes went down to the menu “c’mon y/n I deserve a chance.” The hockey player reached out to place his hand on yours “how do I know you’re not going to leave one day when shit gets too hard?” You placed your hands on your lap still clearly hurt about what he had done all those months ago.

It had made you feel stupid offering your body up to someone in the way you had done for him only to then watch him leave before the sun came up “all I’m asking for is a second chance.” Sidney pleaded as he let his hands wrap around his coffee cup.

Connor’s voice was in your head reminding you of the fact that you were scared to do this alone “one chance, you fuck it up and you’re out Crosby.” Your warning reminded him that you were mad at him and that despite there being a child inside of you it wasn’t going to make everything okay.

“I won’t let you down Bedard.”

“I’m not the one you should be promising that to.”

28 weeks

Now almost everyone knew about your baby after one of the rookies saw you in nothing more than a vest and leggings when he walked into your office unannounced and let it slip to the rest of the team. The comments and questions were quickly shut down when Sidney threatened them all with extra laps, which of course you greatly appreciated.

But that didn’t matter as you were sat in the doctors office alone staring at the forms that you had to fill in “sorry I’m late,” Sidney’s loud entrance caused all of the expecting fathers in the waiting room jaws to drop.

He sat in the seat next to you as he placed his hand on your knee “I started thinking that you weren’t going to come.” You confessed drawing a smile from his lips “you lack faith in me y/n,” you wanted to hit him but you couldn’t when your doctor stuck her head out of her office “nice to see that the dad is joining us.” She sent you a wink as you walked into her office.

Sidney felt like a nervous wreck as he watched you pull your sweater over your belly “you’ve seen a whole lot more of me before Sid.” You pointed out sending him a smile which quickly left your face as the cold gel hit your stomach “felt that before y/n,” Sidney matched your teasing tone as you stuck your tongue out at him.

Your OB laughed as she watched the interaction between you two “want to see how peanut is doing?” She asked pulling your attention away from the boy in front of you.

The hockey player raised his eyebrows “peanut?” He cocked his head “hey you weren’t ever when I voted-” you were cut off when your baby popped up onto the screen.

“Peanut is perfect.”

30 weeks

Sidney had spent the last two weeks learning all about your child as he watched you begin nesting “should we get both?” Sidney asked holding up two different car seats.

A laugh left your lips as you shook your head “she does not need two car seats or two strollers.” You crossed your arms feeling like his wealth was truly showing.

The boy placed the box back on the stand “peanut deserves whatever she wants,” he pointed out as he made you laugh again “our daughter is gonna wrap you around her finger so tight it’s gonna hurt.” You smiled as you placed your hand on his shoulder looking at the one stroller you preferred more “peanut should get this one.” You added pointing at it.

He nodded picking the box up as he followed you to the next section “her and her mom already do,” Sidney mumbled to himself as he referred to your earlier comment.

You spun around furrowing your eyebrows “you say something?” You asked causing his eyes to go wide “nope.” Sidney was quick to shake his head desperately hoping that you didn’t hear what he said.

31 weeks

The last six weeks were spent for Sidney trying to win you back “I’m just asking for one meal!” Sidney complained as he had been trying to persuade you to go to dinner with him for the last fifteen minutes “look Sid the last thing I want is to wear some uncomfortable shoes and try to fit into a dress that would have fit me pre peanut.” You pointed out as you knew what the hockey player would plan.

It made the boy frown “what do you want to do then?” He asked wondering if that was how low you thought of him.

You pursed your lips together as you thought about it “pizza and a movie.” You also wanted a bubble bath but that didn’t feel like something that you should mention to Sidney especially after the last time he saw you naked you ended up with a baby in your belly.

It didn’t even take him a minute before he nodded “you got yourself a deal Bedard,” Sidney had to admit that it sounded peaceful having a movie night with you before little peanut was born.

31 weeks

Sidney walked into your apartment with a smile as he held the three boxes of pizza “didn’t know which one you wanted so I went with your favourites.” He explained as he placed the white boxes on the table “you don’t know my favourite pizza Crosby,” you pointed out knowing that it was not going to be something he’d just pick up on.

Instead the boy smirked “got Hawaiian because you’ve been craving pineapple, margarita because of your cheese craving, and pepperoni because who doesn’t like pepperoni?” Sidney looked proud of himself as he turned around to see that you were staring at him in awe “what?” He furrowed his eyebrows when you kept silent.

Surely it had to be the pregnancy hormones that made you think he was kissable in that moment “nothing,” you shook your head deciding to go for a piece of pizza instead as you hoped it would make your brain forget about the boy who stood next to you.

32 weeks

The moment Sidney’s parents learnt that they were going to be grandparents they were on the next flight into Pittsburgh “your mom already loves me Sid,” you reminded him as you watched the Canadian wipe his palms on his pants “I’m worried about what she’s gonna do to me.” Sidney mumbled feeling like he was going to throw up.

You sighed turning to let your whole body face him “look we have survived this long acting like we have it together so let’s just continue doing that?” You proposed as you wrapped your hands around his hoping that it would calm his nerves.

Sidney blinked his eyes as he thought about kissing you “right that was probably stupid of me to even suggest that.” You mumbled quickly retracting your hands as your eyes went wide.

He was quick to act as he hooked his fingers under your jaw bringing his lips to your own. At first you were shocked that he kissed you but then instead you just melted into the kiss groaning as his tongue slid across your lower lip “we’re here!” Sidney’s mother called out causing the two of you to jump away from each other.

Well that was a conversation for another day.

33 weeks

To say you were irritated was putting it lightly.

Alex had called you at almost midnight saying that Sidney was drunk at some bar flirting with a girl. The blonde had picked up on the car rides you were taking with Sidney as he took you to your doctor appointments, he knew Sidney was the father of your baby and he didn’t even have to ask “he’s back there.” The reason why he had called you was because Alex didn’t want Sidney screwing up the relationship that he had with you “Sidney!” You grumbled ready to hit him.

Your were in your leggings and some old training camp shirt that Sidney had given you “hey baby,” the boy smiled as he held his arms out so that he could hug you.

What he didn’t expect was that you’d reach out to slap him instead “I’ll let you deal with him,” the girl mumbled shaking her head as she left figuring that there were easier battles to fight than one that involved the pregnant woman.

The boy poured his lips as he cupped his cheek where you had hit him “what was that for?” He asked letting out a gasp as you pulled him through the crowd of people to the door “can you please grow up Sidney?” You begged wanting to have this conversation with a sober Sidney.

That seemed to do the trick as he nodded finally realising how sore his cheek was “you’ve got a hit on you Bedard,” he complained feeling his jaw throb.

You crossed your arms “what the hell was that Sid?” You asked as tears formed in your eyes.

Tonight you should’ve been watching reruns of the bachelor, not trying to deal with your drunken baby daddy “just wanted to have a fun night before the baby came,” Sidney confessed not seeing how stupid he sounded.

It took everything in you not to hit him for a second time that night “you don’t get to do things like that anymore,” you shook your head feeling like the biggest idiot in the world “to think that I thought you’d actually want me too.” You let out a laugh as tears formed in your eyes.

Sidney’s expressions softened “y/n,” he reached out to grab your hand but you were quick to pull away.

All of those memories preparing for peanuts arrival, the moments shopping, trying to build her crib together, seeing her little body grow in each scan, the way you’d grab Sidney’s hand and place it in your belly the second she kicked, all felt like they were getting thrown down the drain in that very moment.

So with all of the respect that you had left for yourself you tucked your hair behind your ears “I’m going to go and stay with my parents for a bit,” you had mentioned before that you wanted to go up to your families lake house before Peanut was born so that you could get some time in the sun beforehand.

Sidney nodded “thought you wanted me to come with you.” You had offered to bring him along as everyone was desperate to meet the man who your child was going to call her father.

You sniffled as you shook your head feeling a tear roll down your cheek “figure your shit out and when you do you know where to find me.” Your words weren’t nearly as harsh as they could have been when you placed a kiss on his cheek before you walked off leaving Sidney all alone on the street.

For some reason this really felt like he had fucked up this time.

[asterias-record-shop]

LISTEN, OKAY FOR BINGO, IMAGINE DAVE LIZEWSKI WITH THE GLORY HOLE BINGO AND THE 25TH PROMPT

—𓆩[i love cherries]𓆪—

𓆩[main masterlist]𓆪 𓆩[request/ask me something!]𓆪 𓆩[updated bingo card!]𓆪 𓆩[bingo masterlist]𓆪 𓆩[join the bingo taglist!]𓆪

𓆩♡𓆪 CHARACTER - College AU! Frat Boy! Dave Lizewski x Fem! Sex Worker! Reader

𓆩♡𓆪 TYPE - fluff, smut

𓆩♡𓆪 WORD COUNT - 4.4K

𓆩♡𓆪 SUMMARY - Dave wasn’t sure how he got into a fraternity, especially not one of the biggest at the university, but he went along with it. What he wasn’t prepared for was initiation, where everyone found out he was a virgin and were determined to make his first time something special.

𓆩♡𓆪 STORY WARNINGS - cursing & foul language || more mature themes || college setting || OC frat boy characters with the addition of Todd || not really kick-ass set but like he could still have powers I don’t really get into detail with that || Dave is so innocent but like not-? || he isn’t a fuck boy just a frat boy || bitchy! reader || you’re a masters student now || you also have a distinct mark on your thigh || maybe kinda BJ Alex inspired slightly? Just the differentiating mark || age difference, three years (Dave - 20, you - 23) || smut || glory hole || public sex || private hole in the wall if that makes sense? || the frat guys like reserve you for the night if that makes sense || still public though, abandoned park in the woods || virginity loss (Dave) || oral || multiple orgasms || squirting || multiple rounds || unprotected sex || degradation and praise || derogatory terms used ||

Dave really liked college so far. He was pulled into a frat somehow, probably after he got this new ripped body and got dragged into sports by Todd. It made him think that Todd was the one living vicariously through him, but that didn’t really matter to Dave much.

To be honest, he was excited. He had finally gotten the attention of girls, something he had always wanted, just not from the girl he wanted it to be from. You, a girl he met in his advanced class where he was stuck with students pursuing masters while he was barely walking into college, never gave him the time of day. You were beautiful, so fucking beautiful, and it truly did surprise him when he learned you weren’t in a sorority. He wanted to be a cute couple, a frat boy and a sorority girl, but it was okay. Dave wanted to date you either way, really date you.

No one understood why though, especially Dave himself. He knew some of the older frat guys had tried to sleep with you, and from what he heard, you always turned them down. It was a mystery why he had a massive crush on you, probably because he had major issues to be attracted to a girl who was a real bitch to quite literally everyone. A lot of people thought you were a bitch, but maybe that’s what happened when you didn’t lie.

You kept secrets, yes, but you never lied.

Dave loved sitting next to you in the class he was stuck in, some course he hated but only stayed in because it boosted his GPA and he got to sit next to you. It was an early class, so while everyone else was asleep, you were awake and looking absolutely perfect. You wore skirts often, always had your makeup done, and always smelled so good. Dave didn’t know how you got up and did all of this, he truly did applaud you for it knowing damn well he had a fucked up sleep schedule and always fell asleep for a minute in class.

He laid his head down on the desk, behind his laptop as he turned his head to watch you, your outfit today black. Your skirt was a dark black with a line of white on the hem, knee high black boots and a sweater protecting you from the slight chilliness outside. For fucks sake, you were fucking beautiful. The thing that made your look though, something that you never failed to have in class was a lollipop.

It was bright red as you twirled it in your mouth, another already ready to go when you finished the one in your mouth, cherry flavored and staining your lips and tongue. Your perfume corresponded to the lollipop flavor, strong and tangy, fruity but spicy and absolutely filling his mind with thoughts.

He liked the fact you stuck with cherry - did your room smell like cherries too? What about your chapstick, was it cherry too? What else did you have that was cherry based?

And as you crossed your legs, fixing your skirt so it didn’t ride up, he saw it. Oh, he had to hold back a moan at the cherry tattoo on your thigh, red and comical and just perfect.

He watched as you shifted again, eyes about to flash to him before he closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep making you scoff. He kept his eyes closed, not risking you seeing that he was absolutely ogling you, and resulted in himself falling actually asleep.

“Hey,” a voice says, strong and confident but perfectly sweet as someone shakes his shoulder. “Hey, wake up.”

Dave groaned lowly, peeking out from the safety of his arms and almost falling out of his chair when he saw you.

You jumped, gasping as Dave moved frantically. “Dude, I was just trying to tell you that class is over and you can go sleep at home. For fucks sake, it was like you were waking up from a nightmare, are you okay?”

He nodded, swallowing loudly. “N-No, I’m okay. Sorry.”

You shake your head, shrugging. “Don’t be sorry, there’s no point. I was just waking you up. Anyways, you better get studying, we have a midterm next week.”

Dave nodded slightly, swallowing as he grabbed his laptop and started packing as you tried to push in your chair, struggling when it got caught in Dave’s. “G-Give me a minute, I’ll get up and I’ll fix it. Thank you for waking me up.”

You smiled slightly, nodding. “Thank you. Here,” you paused, grabbing a sticky note pack from your backpack side pocket and a pen. “My number. Call me if you need the notes from class, I can give them to you.”

Dave paused, shaking his head. “That’s not fair. I don’t have anything to give you in return, I sleep through class like every day. I don’t mean to, but it’s just so fucking boring.”

His words make you giggle as you start walking away, pausing with a slight turn. “You coming?”

Dave rushed to follow after you, watching as you started to giggle again. “Seriously though, is there anything I can give you, or?”

You hummed, thinking as you walked, your steps making a perfect line as though you were taking a sobriety test and your hips swaying. Oh, you walked like a runway model, truly just perfect. “You can buy me breakfast. Daily.”

Dave smiled, nodding. “Whatever you say…” he left the spot open for your name as you laughed.

“Y/N. Y/N L/N. Nice to meet you,” you stopped, offering your hand. “This is my class. You have my number, call me, okay?”

Dave smiled and took your hand, shaking firmly as you giggled and walked into your next class, Dave standing there and staring for a little before someone slapped his back. “Hey, newbie! Ready for your initiation tonight?”

He recognized Landon’s voice, turning slightly with a shrug. “Yeah, I think so. What do you guys even do, anyways?”

He laughed. “You won’t know until you get there! To be honest, it’s nothing bad, you chose the right frat man. Just a chant and some swearing or whatever, besides, you’re already bonded with us. Tomorrow, we’ll have a party and you’ll get laid by some of the hottest girls on campus! Who knows, maybe more than one. Heard Heather got her eye on you.”

Dave’s nose scrunches at the thought of sleeping with someone other than you. You had some sort of effect on him these past few weeks, and to be honest, he wasn’t quite sure what you did to him and why he was like this, but it wasn’t something he was complaining about. “I’m not really… interested in her.”

Landon paused, raising a brow. “You’re not interested in Heather?”

“No,” he shook his head, looking back at the room you went into. “Not at all.”

Landon paused. “Oh. Oh! You’re into Y/N! You like older women, don’t ya?”

Dave blushed, sighing. “I just… I don’t know what it is about her man.”

He laughed. “Nah, there ain’t nothing ‘bout her man, she’s just fucking hot man. Beautiful, she smells so fucking good, for fucks sake. Everyone loves her at the frat, man… she’s like a little rough around the edges, but she warms up quick.”

Dave hummed. Everyone loved you?

“She never slept with any of us, though,” he quickly filled in, shrugging. “She has a strict rule about sleeping with people. Don’t know what it is, but if the boys listen to anything, it’s a woman. We know consent. Anyways, I have to talk to you real quick.”

“Okay.”

“So Todd was joking around that you were a virgin?” Landon laughs. “Oh my goodness, you have to get back at him-”

“Oh, he wasn’t joking,” Dave filled in. “I'm a virgin.”

Landon paused. “Oh no. No, never in the history of this house had anyone who was a virgin join this house. You know what,” he paused, taking out his phone. “Don’t lose your virginity. Initiation is moved to tomorrow, we’ll make something special.”

It wasn’t until Dave was dragged to the middle of the woods - blindfolded because of course that wasn’t a horrible idea - did he regret wanting to join a frat. Who needed to be in a frat?

They finally made him stop, giving him a firm slap to his back. “We’re here!”

“Where is here?”

“Oh,” Landon laughed as he took off the blindfold, putting out his hands. “Ta da!”

Dave blinked slightly, shaking his head as he looked around. It was a park, one of those with that climbing wall with holes, pausing when he saw a pair of legs out of one of them. “This is Glory Park. Anytime our frat needs a glory hole, this is where we come. It’s like… a monthly thing, mainly before big tests and what not. We always get one girl, her name’s Cherry, she’s always got the sweetest cunt. And, she has no limits, so we can get a little rough with her. Nothing too extreme, though, we respect her. But tonight,” he sighed dramatically. “Tonight is Cherry’s last night doing this kind of work, and she’s all yours. She’s already stretched out and everything”

Dave gulped as he stared at the legs covered by a pretty skirt, swallowing. “I-I… I don’t know if I can do this.”

Landon paused, tilting his head. “Why?”

He sputtered, shaking his head as he looked at the form. “B-Because she’s like not even looking at me!”

Oh, but then he paused. He saw that same cherry tattoo you had on your thigh, mouth going dry. “Wh-What was her name again?”

Landon grinned. “Cherry. You like cherries, Dave?”

He nodded automatically, head bobbing. “I love cherries.”

Landon laughed, walking toward him with a slap on his back. “The remote to open the hole is over there if she gets uncomfortable. You can’t keep going if she gets uncomfortable, she has an emergency button on her side, and a guard close by too. The hole will automatically open as soon as the sun rises, so you got all night. Besides, you got a couple of stacks right on the ground for her. She charges extra for kinks and shit.”

Dave smiled, nodding slightly as Landon patted his back. “Have fun.”

“W-Wait,” Dave said, turning to Landon. “Y’know we’re in public, right?”

Landon laughed, shaking his head. “You got all the privacy in the world here, man. Go get her.”

He slowly walked over, staring at the high six-inch heels on your feet and the high waisted skirt on your lower tummy. He could see the slight sliver of your skin, his palms slowly circling the sides of your thighs before settling on the cherry tattoo on the side of your thigh. “I-I uhm… I’m Dave.”

He could hear you giggle, his hands trailing over the plush skin of your thighs as he lifted up your skirt. “Y-You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, his hands slowly trailing over your panties. Oh, he had to make you wet before fucking you, even if you were already stretched. “C-Can you talk?”

He watched as you pushed your hands through the hole, clenching your fingers in a way to ask for money. Dave nodded quickly, inhaling deeply. “Y-Yeah, right.”

Dave reached down, grabbing the stack of hundreds and fifties. “H-How much?”

You raise two fingers, Dave grabbing two hundred and slipping it into your hand. “Th-That lasts for the whole time? You talking?”

“It was supposed to be twenty,” you giggled, pushing our hand through. “Not two hundred.”

“Just keep it,” Dave said, shaking his head. “You’ll keep talking, right?”

He heard you hum. “Yes, I will. I’m sorry, normally they don’t ask me to talk… I’ve never really thought about someone wanting me to talk, and normally girls like me… don’t talk while this happens.”

“I want you to,” Dave whispered, slowly lifting up your skirt and pulling down your pretty black satin panties, a gasp leaving your mouth as the cold air brushed against your cunt, the sound of him dropping to his knees making you shiver. “I want to hear every single noise you make. I-Is this okay? I can do this, right? I want to hear you say yes, I need your permission.”

Your eyes rolled back, nodding. “Y-Yes, you can, you can. I need you.”

You tilted your head back, the platform supporting your back cold but soft doing nothing for the growing heat in your stomach as you bucked your hips. You had never done anything like this before with someone like Dave, someone you actually really like. “D-Dave,” you whisper, gasping as his tongue slowly trailed over the slit of your cunt. You didn’t even realize that you said his name until his mouth softly latched against your clit, lips puckering and kissing against the sensitive bundle of nerves. “O-Oh, my fuck.”

Dave hummed as he lets his spit gather on your clit, watching it dribble down your slit before licking his saliva flat onto your perfectly pretty cunt. “How’d you know my name?”

His voice made your eyes widen, a loud moan falling from your lips as his tongue flicked against your clit and his fingers slid into you. He could tell you were stretched so that it didn’t hurt you, but it was pleasure filled and perfect as you moaned loudly, unable to even answer his question before you started to ride against his fingers. “Come on darling, you can tell me… come on, come on.”

He was egging you on, every flick of his tongue making a shock spark up your spine, eyes rolling back as his fingers slowly curled inside of you and bumped right against that perfect spot that had your legs hooking around his head and pulling him closer. The loud groan that fell from his lips made your hips buck into his mouth, his tongue easily sliding down your cunt and focusing where his fingers were knuckle deep. You could hear the wet, lewd sounds filling the silence of the woods, echoing as your fingers attempted to dig into the plastic.

“You’re so pretty baby, so pretty and so fucking sweet,” he whispered, loud slurping noise making you gasp as he continued to work his fingers into you to pull another orgasm out of you. The slight mustache he developed over the year scratching against your sensitive cunt making a loud groan fall from your lips. “You have another one for me, right? Come on, give me some more.”

Your eyes rolled back, oh when his voice was like that, high pitched and slightly whiny as he begged for another was something you loved, but this was different. His voice was smooth and strong, egging you on with every roll of his fingers and pop of his mouth against your cunt, every slight scratch of his mustache, a groan falling from your lips again as you started to roll into his fingers.

“Your name’s Cherry?” He says, a smirk evident on his lips as he felt your heels settle on his back. “Right?”

You whimper out a yes, gasping as the tip of his tongue pushed inside of you with his fingers, your toes curling in your heels as they dig into his shirt. Oh, you wanted to see him, to watch him go down on you over and over again. “A-Are you sure you’re a virgin?”

He laughed, pulling his tongue out to spit into your already soaked cunt. “Are my skills mind blowing? Orgasm causing?”

You laughed. “No, nevermind. You talk like a virgin.”

He laughed as he curled his fingers, an action making you gasp as your stomach tightened and you came again, the orgasm shocking as your vision blurred - eyes crossing as your thighs tightened around his head, letting out another strangled moan. Dave laughed, pushing his fingers almost impossibly deeper inside of you, his other hand going to your clit.

“A virgin that’s making a whore like you cum over and over again. How many times do you think I can make you cum in the next ten minutes? Do you want to find out, hm? Or do you want me to fuck you like a whore?” He laughed as his hand started rubbing hard, rough circles as his mouth moved to suck and spit into your cunt. “Answer me.”

“J-Just do what you want!” You never really had a choice in moments like these, but the thought of him asking made you want to see him even more.

“I want to do what you want me to do, Y/N.”

Oh you couldn’t hold back the scream that fell from your mouth, eyes rolling back as your stomach starts to clench, gasping as his hand gets rougher. You knew what he was trying to do, he was trying to force you to squirt. The thought made your stomach twist, pleasure filling your entire body – he was the only person who focused on your pleasure quite literally in all of your sex life, especially like this.

“Almost there, baby, I know you are… you know I’ll take care of you, Y/N, come on!” He continued to egg you on, a gasp falling from your lips as you screamed out, eyes rolling back as your stomach clenched, the feeling of it unclenching making you sigh in relief before moaning loudly as he curled his fingers inside of you and a laugh fell from his lips. Your legs go limp around his shoulder, his tongue licking at your clit before he stands up. “Felt good, honey? Are you ready?”

You inhaled shakily, struggling to keep your eyes open. You had felt better in these past ten minutes than any of the hours you had spent with any other man. “How’d you know?”

Dave paused, sighing softly. “I-I saw your tattoo… earlier today. I-I’ve… I’ve been wanting to do this for so long, but I needed your permission, a-and it’s worse because I can’t even see you.”

You hummed, moving your leg to press against his abdomen. “You’re talking like a virgin again, Dave.”

He laughed as he held your legs, letting your heels fall against his shoulders as he kissed your ankle firmly. “Well, I am. I-I… don’t know what it is about you, I want… I want to do so much with you, and not just sex. P-Please… is there a way I can see you? If you even want to see me?”

Your hand immediately moved to your emergency button that opened the hole, quickly pushing the top off and sitting up. “My phone is in the bag hidden in the hole of that tree. The emergency button pings my guard, I need to tell him nothing is wrong.”

Dave rushed over, grabbing your bag as you kicked off the panties that were stuck on your heel. Running back over, the curly haired man gave you your bag as you grabbed your phone, quickly calling Lionel your guard. “Lionel, nothing is wrong. I just… wanted to see his face.”

Lionel started panting, cursing. “You scared me. So it was him, right? The pretty boy you got a crush on?”

“Good bye, Lionel!” You hung up as Dave laughed, kissing softly against your neck as you set down your phone.

“You have a crush on me?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” you respond, gasping as his hands push your legs apart and he starts to unzip your pants. “D-David-”

“If you don’t want me to do this, tell me now,” he whispers, pulling away to give you a slight smile. “If I do anything you’re not comfortable with, tell me-”

“Cherry,” you whisper, smiling as you push your hands to the back of his neck. “Our safeword will forever be cherry.”

“Whatever you say,” he whispers back, smiling as he leaned down for another soft kiss. “Is there anything you know you don’t like? Anything you want me to do?”

“I don’t let people cum inside,” you whisper, but start to lay back before lifting your legs to settle over his shoulders, his hands immediately going down to hold your thighs and support you. “But I want you to.”

He inhaled sharply as you lifted up your upper body just to take off your shirt, humming as you tilted your head. “You want my bra off too?”

“Y-Yes.”

You giggled, lifting yourself up once again to take off your bra as he swallowed. “You’ve never seen a pair of tits before?”

He laughed. “N-Not in real life.”

You giggle as he slowly starts to pump his cock, hissing as you push your hand to slowly wrap your manicured hand on his shaft. “You want me to do it?”

He nodded, sighing in pleasure as you started to pump him. “Y-Yes please.”

You sit up a bit, the angle slightly uncomfortable as you pull his cock into you, eyes rolling back. Dave’s cock wasn’t what you expected, the perfect middle ground between lengthy and girthy. You moaned loudly, squeezing your eyes shut as he rolled his hips. “D-David-”

“I want… I want to finish it, can I please?” He whispered, the egging in his voice no longer there, his tone now high pitched and whiny. “Please?”

“Yes, finish,” you whispered, going back to laying on the platform as he held your thighs more securely now, pulling you closer as he thrusted his hips forward, roughly this time. You were still sensitive from your three orgasms, your legs twitching as you put your arms behind your head, the cold feeling of the air against your nipples only stimulating your already pleasure filled body more. “Fuck, fuck David.”

He merely grunts softly, letting out a loud groan as his thrusts started to get more composed, hard but perfect in a way you couldn’t describe. You felt your toes curling once again, every thrust making your body bounce as his cock rammed in and out of you. You could feel your stomach twisting and clenching, easily being pushed to the edge all over again after your first three orgasms again.

You could feel your stomach burning, every thrust he did making the bulging veins of his cock rub against your walls, his pelvis slapping into your clit somehow heightening the experience. “Look at me, don’t close your eyes,” he grunts, groaning as he slammed his hips forward. “I know you’re about to cum, baby, don’t look away from me. I want to see it, I want to see you get pushed over that edge.”

His hand firmly settled on the tattoo on the side of your thigh, a loud groan of his name making him let out a strangled moan. The sounds leaving his mouth were like those you had never heard, animalistic and obsessed, his eyes dark as he stared down at you. He looked so perfect in the halo of moonlight surrounding him, staring down at you like you were the only thing he could think of – which was true, you were the only thing on his mind.

He was thinking about everything he was feeling, your tight cunt clamped down on his cock, your hands gripping his wrists in a way that he loved, your pretty eyes never looking away from his. Your perfect lips he hadn’t even been able to kiss all day.

He moved your legs to wrap around his waist, leaning down to brush his lips softly against yours, his hips never stopping their rhythmic thrusts that made moans fall from your lips with every movement. “I want to kiss you… can I kiss you?”

You nodded frantically, desperate. It was a horrible feeling that you couldn’t describe, the desperateness that was settling in your tummy to have him, all of him. His lips pressing to yours firmly, his perfect soft lips against yours tipping you over the edge as your thighs wrapped tightly around his waist and pulled him balls deep inside of you. He choked against your lips, your hips automatically starting to roll into his. Dave let out an almost whine like noise, hips rutting unconsciously, harder into you as he groaned.

You could feel him cum inside of you, hot and sticky but filling, every thrust he made pushing his cum deeper inside of you, your hands cupping the back of his head and pulling him closer. “Dave, I don’t… I don’t know why, but you are literally the man I’ve felt the most at ease with… in my whole life,” you whisper, gasping as he rutted his hips unconsciously. “David!”

“I-I’m sorry!” He says, shaking his head. “I-I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to!”

You laugh, shaking your head. “You have to take me out on a date. You have to.”

“I-I will,” he whispered, pressing another soft kiss to your lips. “I will take you on so many dates and I’ll make you feel better than anyone else. Physically… and emotionally.”

You smiled. “I guess it’s good that you love cherries.”

He laughed. “I fucking love cherries. Especially if they’re on you.”

Thank all of you so much for supporting me!! Even though Bingo requests and Bingo itself is done, I have my next event already planned - please stay tuned!! Requests are closed but they will be open when I clear my inbox, and again, thank all of you so much!!

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© asterias-record-shop

[c-nstantine]

forbidden fruit

description: he's not supposed to be in love with her, she's his best friends' sister, or Roy has a questionable moment with Y/N

Warnings: Cursing, Roy's like 23-24 and Y/N is like 20

Word Count: 0.8k

He wasn't supposed to like her. He was supposed to tease her and annoy her like all the friends of her brothers did. No, but Roy Harper just had to go and fall in love with the girl who was two years his junior. He didn't mean to. It was an accident, but he couldn't help but feel jealousy as she snuck off from the gala with some rich asshole who couldn't appreciate her. None of them ever appreciated her the way he did.

"Y/N?" He said as he entered the office of the Wayne Manor that Y/N disappeared to. She was pressed against a stack of books with the rich asshole kissing her neck.

"Roy?" She gasped as she pushed the guy away from her. Somehow being caught by Roy was worse than being caught by any of her brothers.

"You need to leave now," He said pointing to the guy. The rich asshole flashed a smile at Y/N before walking out. Roy may or may not have shoulder-checked him on the way out.

"You're no fun," Y/N said with her signature pout. Her rich dark skin was illuminated by the fireplace in the study. He could see her figure clearly in the dress, and there was nothing that he ever wanted to touch more.

"Fun? Is that what that was?" He questioned her as he walked towards her. There was a slight red tinge to his face and Y/N had to admit he looked nice all cleaned up. However, she preferred his more rugged look with his signature backward snapback and his tattoos exposed.

"Yes," Y/N sassed with her head tilted. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her at this moment.

"Guys like him only want one thing from you," He had watched her time and time again fall for losers who probably could never satisfy her properly. He could never say anything, it wasn't his place.

"Why'd you follow me? Just go back to the party," She waved him off and continued to lean on the books. She got all dolled up for nothing, she could at least get laid by a trust fund baby but no Roy had to go and ruin it. Hell, the braids she got took eight hours alone and she didn't even want to think about taking them out.

"I have watched you waste your time with guys who don't understand you or want only to be near you for your name,"

"Careful, Roy, it sounds like you have a crush," She teased while stepping close to him. She was close enough to see how he nicked himself shaving hours before the gala started. She could just smell his aftershave and he smelt delicious.

"You are the sister of my two best friends," Roy started grabbed her by the waist, and pulled her close. She could feel his breath fanning across her neck. Her breathing became uneven.

"The daughter of Bruce Wayne," He continued softly. He was tempted to take her right then and there on the stack of books. He'd have her moaning so loudly that no rich prick would try to fuck with her again.

"More importantly, the daughter of Batman," He reminded her. His lips ghosted the cusp of her ear. She nearly moaned at the sensation. He smirked because he had her right where he wanted her.

"You are forbidden fruit to me," He whispered once more before letting her go completely. She nearly whined at the loss of contact.

"Do you want a taste?" She whispered seductively. Her hands pulled back close to her by his belt loops.

"Y/N," He was playing a dangerous game by being here with her. His self-control was hanging on by a thread. The last thing that he needed was Y/N Wayne returning to her precious gala covered in hickeys and cum stained on her lips.

"I had a crush on you when I was younger. Now, though, I can only imagine what's under that tux," She whispered. Her hands rubbed his chest up and down. She could just barely seeing how she had him blushing.

"Go back to the gala and behave, I might let you," He pressed a small kiss to her lips before pulling away. She wasn't' haven't that so she kissed him once again. Her hand found itself in his hair and gripped it. Roy couldn't help but groan. Both of his hands managed to wander to her ass and squeezed so tightly that Y/N's parted even more and let out a soft whimper.

"It's a deal," She said while gasping for air. The two of them made it to the door. Y/N took a quick second to straighten out her dress and reapply her lipstick. Roy couldn't help but notice how perfect she was. She placed a quick kiss on his cheek before leaving.

"Behave, princess," He whispered as the two rejoined everyone else. No one thought it was odd that the two had disappeared around the same time that night until Roy joined the Wayne's for breakfast the next day.

[thatflatenedfrogontheroad]

I made a tier list...

please make your own!! I need to see boomer nations opinions on our man!!!! I know the tiers are actually so vile so change them if you desire :)))

OK so my quick blurb on why they are their!! (working worst to best)

28. Identity Crisis #5 - HE WOULD KILL ME FOR THE FUN OF IT. It did bring about the most random rivalry between Tim drake’s fandom and boomer's which is very funny

27. Black Lantern - Oh no… he's back… like a boomerang. Ate his own son... RIP…. L skill issue

26. Sliver Age - Would actually call me a slur and say that I don't deserve rights. He would hate crime me and then solicit me for sex. He looks like he's wearing a dress… what a pretty lady.

25. Flash TV Show - EWWWWWWWW, he though he ate...

24. DC Online - He looks like he would punch me in face at a NYC bus stop

23. White Lantern - Don't look at me like that… stop. He's back from the dead like a boomerang?? Something about most of the New 52 boomerangs don't hit the same. the bride all in white :’)

22. Young Justice - Gave me the ick. You might be thinking... he looks identical to SS hell to pay, why is he down here?? Great question… HE WAS SO CREEPY TO ONE OF THE GIRLS IN YOUNG JUSTICE….. WHO IS A MINOR!

21. Injustice Movie - Just because your in the background… doesn't save you from this list!!!

20. New 52 - Ok he's kinda hot if you look through your peripherals…Why are you wearing skinny jeans… you millennial

19. Harley Quinn TV Show - He's fine… just fine. “We’ll stack out bingo… Boomer loves an older woman” NO HE MUST LOVE ME! I AM VERY VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE

18. Flash: Sins of the Father - Can you please stop talking in the 3rd person… you are starting to sound crazy.

17. Most Wanted - I know jack shit about him. That's probably because he is barely in a comic issues THATS NAMED AFTER HIM!

16. Flash Point Paradox - His fight scene actually ate. I'm a sucker for Boomer being with the Rogues. If cyborg can take his belt off… so can I

15. Suicide Squad 2021 - Wow they somehow gave him even less lines than his first movie. 1. He doesnt look like boomer. 2. His accent is so bad… and hes AUSTRALIAN 3. His acting low key kinda mid 4. They killed off two of the only OG suicide squad members they had on the cast 5. He dies in the first 20min and in the most disrespectful way

14. Suicide Squad 2016 - The only good thing to come from this man is the fanfiction he brought. THIS FUCKING MOVIE MADE HIM A CANON BRONY WHICH I CAN NOT FORGIVE. GET THIS OUT OF MY SMUT BEFORE FREAK THE FUCK OUT >:( Fuck him and pinky too, you son of a bitch!!!! (its not that serious lol... i just want him to stop fucking a toy horse... please guys)

13. This Goober Alien Guy - I know nothing. He just kinda showed up… and I'm not mad just a little confused. He looks like he needs a hot chocolate and a hug :)))) 

12. Lego Batman Movie - Low key an icon. What I would do to get my hands on one of these sets… I would come close to killing someone for it

11. DC Lego Super Villains - If he wasn't Lego I would propose (Shane Dawson style) Once again what I would do for the very discontinued Lego set tie in…

10. Batman: Brave and The Bold - Those cheekbones could cut someone. Why are you wear a mini skirt… take it off ;)

9. Suicide Squad (comic) - Yes I know he was drinking and driving but he's not real so it doesn't count!!! The beginning of the Boomer Mobile! THE GAP TOOTH DUDE!

8. Justice League Unlimited S1 - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ok the hairline is… bad…. But so is mine twin!! I LOVE THAT THEY GAVE HIM PROPER CLOTHES AND NOT RAGS DUDE

7. Agent of Oz - is this picture is my school profile pic...yes… and??HE'S COVERED IN BLOOD AND IM GIGGLING!!!!!!!!!!!

6. Stjepan Sejic's Boomer - Choke hold and choke me...  I want to hear his voice but he can't break his mewing streak…The ungodly things I would let him do to me

5. Dark: Apocalypse War - Constantine! Boomer! GIRLS! GIRLS!! ILL SLEEP WITH BOTH OF YOU!!! I was not expecting him in this movie so I started to freak out when he showed up DUDE. PLEASE LET ME SIT ON IT

4. Suicide Squad: Hell to Pay - I'm a ride he wouldn't survive… I DONT HAVE WORDS TO DECRIBE HOW I FEEL DUDE… I WOULD DO ANYTHING HE ASKED FOR NO JOKE. Dead on the floor

3. Justice League Unlimited S2 - The glow up in REAL... had me on my hands and knees as a 3rd grader… and still on my knees today. I have never wanted someone to fuck me in the back alleyway of a shit bar so bad in my life

2. Batman: Assault on Arkham - The one that started it all… he is the reason I am this way. no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining table to the bedroom BUT GREG ELLIS IS PUBLIC ENIME NUMDER ONE. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!!!

AND THE BEST ONE!!!!!!!! WE ALL SAW IT COMING

1. Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League - I AM GNAWING ON THE IRON BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE!!!!!! He has it all, the face, the VOICE, the look, the character!!!!! It is hands down the most consistently good representation of captain boomerang out their… and its canon that's he has a big dick :D I would sell my first born to get one night…

Thank you all for reading this word vom, I am sick in the head <3

if any of the comic issues are off or something please let me know :)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make your our and tag me!! i need to see them <3<3<3

[koulakoukoula2003]

Hey can do yandere levi x reader pregnant please

OH MY GAWWWWDDD YEEEESSSS

Yandere!Levi x pregnant!Reader

TW: yandere behaviour, mention of pregnancy ofc, babytrapping

Levi was being so... overprotective. He had always been possessive and protective but now that he had found out you were pregnant, everything had amplified to the fullest.

At first, you didn't want to tell him, you knew he'd become like this, but when you started to puke and faint out of nowhere, he dragged you to a doctor himself without even asking you.

And here you were now, on your comfortable armchair in the home he'd bought for you both. He had married you so fast, he had arranged everything on his own. It wasn't any grand wedding, just you, him and the man carrying out the marriage.

You didn't really have anything or anyone. Your parents had abandoned you in the streets ever since you were little and the military was an easy way to make profit and live beneath a roof and sleep with your belly full.

You were around 19 years old when you joined the survey corps. The military police wasn't an option since you weren't all that skilled, and everybody joined the garrison in your graduation year, so there weren't any empty places left. You were left out and so you had no choice but to join the Survey Corps.

You didn't regret it though, no matter how terrifying it was, the people were kind and friendly, even the superiors, even the newly appointed commander.

Captain Levi had taken everybody's attention. People started to call him humanity's strongest and with every passing expedition, you were starting to realise why.

He had been looking for people to add to his still nonexistent squad, but you had no idea why you were the first he took to his side. You weren't a particularly talented soldier. There were certainly soldiers with a higher kill count than yours.

You had taken out around 15 titans solo and 23 assists. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't actually impressive either.

It all happened so fast. You fell for him, he fell for you, and here you were now.

You watched him ride on his large brown horse towards your house through the window. He was rushing. He always rushed coming to you. He always looked like a God, riding fast like this. His horse neighed loudly as he urged it to slow down suddenly. His black hair waved in the air and his silver eyes were focused and determined.

He rushed to the door and walked in, finding you there, by the window, on the armchair that he had built for you himself.

"Are you okay?! How's the baby?! I haven't been missing too long, have I?"

You giggled. "It's only been a week. I am alright."

He dropped on one knee in front of you, coming face to face with your ever growing belly. He placed a hand on bump and he held your hand with the other.

"She hasn't been giving you a hard time, has she?"

You grinned. "It can be a boy too, you know."

Levi wanted a girl, you wanted a boy. There was no middle ground.

"Then we'll have another."

You laughed. Sometimes it scared you how fast he was moving and how fast he was making decisions about both your future, but right now, you were just happy to see him.

"I missed you." It came out of your mouth without permission and his eyes widened. What was it with that newfound display of affection? He knew you loved him, but you had your difficult times.

How you said you didn't want to marry him and you wanted more in life than this. You were young. Too young to start a family yet. You wanted to fight, you wanted to live first, you wanted... many things that he had snatched away the chance of you to live them.

But now you were here, a housewife, a mother, barely 20 years old. You couldn't complain though. You were far better off than most women your age. Levi took care of you and you were no longer living in the streets.

Plus, you had almost convinced yourself you loved him.

"I missed you too, brat," he pulled himself up on his feet and he leaned to catch your lips in his own.

You hummed in the kiss. So needy and clingy, you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and tugged him closer down to you. Maybe your current state was making you need him more than any other time.

He pulled from the kiss and you whined in protest, but he cupped your cheek and spoke. "I'll go get changed and I'll be right back."

You nodded at him. "There's food in the kitchen if you're hungry."

He frowned. "You shouldn't be cooking in your current state."

You chuckled "And what would I eat?"

"I'll be staying with you for a week. I'll cook."

You laughed. "You don't know how to cook!"

"Then teach me."

You sighed "Fine."

"I'll go get changed. If you need anything, just call out."

"Yeah, yeah."

Always so worried. You sighed and waited for him, letting your head roll back to your armchair. Your hands lingered on the bump on your belly. You were on the seventh month and it was getting hard to do the simplest things like lean or tend to the garden that Levi loved so much, or cook and clean.

Before you knew it, you were dozing off in sleep. Not to mention that all you did was sleep and eat like a pig.

Levi returned to meet your sleeping form. A smile tugged at his lips. You were so precious. His precious little wife. The mother of his child. You were everything to him. He'd lose his sanity without you. Even when you were still at the start of your relationship, he'd go insane if he didn't see you for an entire day.

But now you were here, safe, in this little home, in this small village. No one knew you were captain Levi's wife and you were safer like this. He'd keep you safe no matter what.

Levi picked you up. Despite your added weight, he picked you up with no effort at all. You were so beautiful like this, turning to bury your face in his chest, even in your sleep you recognised his presence.

He placed you on your bed gently and covered you beneath the sheets. Sometimes he wondered whether he was obsessed with you or whether this was love. It didn't matter though. You were his. All his.

He didn't know how many hours he stood there, staring at you while you slept. He leaned in and kissed your lips gently not to wake you. You needed rest and he needed to suppress his lust for now. If he had you now, he'd break you.

You were a fighter once upon a time. If he hadn't knocked you up, you would have never agreed to marry him and settle down so fast. You wanted to live your life. What an absurd excuse?

But it was best you never found out about that.

He kissed you all over your face and you hummed in your sleep. He smiled.

"Mine."

[chimivx]

no matter what i do ↠ txt

now playing: 0X1=LOVESONG (I Know I Love You) • TXT

Two years after an end-all argument with Taehyun, you’re forced to spend Christmas weekend together at your mother’s, and his father’s. Once upon a time he meant the world to you. Now that you’re both married with kids, things are getting messy, and a little blurry. The longer you stick around in the home you both grew up in, the more secrets come out… It’s always been messy, it was always blurry. All you want, all you truly yearn for, is to get back on good terms with Taehyun.

word count↠ 33,944

warnings↠ MDNI. 18+. no graphic depictions of sex but it is heavily implied, drug use, teenage drug use, alcohol abuse, angst amongst taehyun and reader, insinuation that someone will s/a reader (briefly, not described), teenage pregnancy (age nineteen), step-cest before they are officially step siblings (growing up together in same house, not step-sibs until they are full adults), infidelity, not so fabulous parents, neglectful mother, biting at some point if you squint, crying, lots of crying, many many sex insinuations (not graphic)… if i missed anything PLEASE tell me.

a/n↠ i put my BACK into this one, i feel pretty proud of this. this may be extremely taboo to some people. this topic is frowned upon by most. if you don’t like it, simply scroll by, thank you. the idea sparked in my head, and i couldn’t let it go. to those of you intrigued, to those of you who end up reading- thank you. 🫶

posted↠ 12/20/23 ~ 12 a.m. est

White crystal snowflakes whirled through the brisk air, the wind nipping at your cheeks as you struggled with the car seat buckle for the third time this week. The toddler you were strapping in had her hand stretched out of the van door, trying to catch a snowflake filled with wonder as to why she couldn’t hold one in her warm mittens.

“No-flake, Mama,” she mumbled to you. “No-flake!”

“The snowflakes are so pretty, just like you, Mina,” you smiled at her, adjusting the straps over her shoulders, hoping to ease your struggle.

Behind you, the front door to your two story home flung open and slammed shut, the scuffle of snow boots plowing down the porch stairs followed. Equally shrill, loud mouthed shouts filled the quiet winter air.

“Boys, don’t jump in the-“

Glancing over your shoulder, it was too late. Your twin boys, Chan and Sunoo, were knee deep in the snowdrifts on top of the gardens that lined along the porch. Dark hair and matching brown eyes grinned maniacally at you.

“You both need to get in the car, we’re gonna be late!”

Mina shoved a mitten in her mouth, biting down on the fabric with her tiny teeth ripping it off of her hand. While you watched Sunoo and Chan trudge through the snow, each one trying to shove the other to the ground as they raced to the van, your two year old threw her mitten to the ground. And then the other one, with a shriek.

“I’m right here,” you soothed, turning back to your daughter with a sigh. “Meens, it’s cold baby,” you crouched to pick the little pink mittens up off the ground, “you have to wear these.”

“No wear,” she frowned, her eyebrows sinking over the eyes she shared with her father. She puffed out her pouty cheeks, becoming the carbon copy of him. Out of all of your kids, Mina looked the most like him.

“Yes, wear,” you said, reaching for one of her hands that both shot up into the air in an instant. Her bottom lip crinkled, and you withheld the groan you ever so wished to release from the depths of your being.

Christmas was supposed to get easier as the kids got older, not harder. All morning you had been arguing over clothes and trying to contain your chaotic twin five year olds to their bedroom just so you could brush their hair. Mina kicked you in the chin on accident while you were putting on her boots amidst an hour-long meltdown because she had barely slept the night before, which usually meant she was getting sick- another glorious thing to deal with while you traveled for the weekend.

Sunoo wanted to put on his pants himself, getting the fabric stuck in the zipper, and Chan insisted on helping him fix it. By the time you were back in their bedroom after Mina nearly knocked you out, the pants were ripped and Sunoo had to change his entire outfit, which meant the boys weren’t matching anymore. Meltdown number two. From the brother of a boy with ripped pants who’s favorite thing was getting to match with his twin.

Mina was set free to roam around the house, clunking around in her boots looking for her father, and you squeezed Sunoo into his outfit from last Christmas Eve, mentally preparing yourself to hear sly comments from your mother all weekend wondering why he wasn’t in the new clothes she bought him, and ‘those pants are way too short, dear, do you need me to go shopping with you?’.

The one thing, the one amazing, thoughtful thing that took some of the weight off of your shoulders was your husband taking care of the youngest of your crew, Wonwoo. A tiny, calm, beautiful six month old surprise you all only found out about ten months ago. 

Mina had just turned two, the boys were about to graduate Pre-K, and you had run out of bedrooms. With four months to prepare for a new baby, your husband stepped up, with the help of his friend Kai, and converted half of the basement playroom into a bedroom for the twins, one they could grow into throughout the years. Mina moved into the boy's old room, painted purple by her father, and Wonwoo got his own room right next door to his sister.

You would put up with the boys, “Just because we’re twins means we don’t get our own rooms?!”, argument later. That was a problem for future you. Not the current you fighting with your two year old over mittens, dodging snowballs your five year olds were throwing at one another.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my fucking god,” you muttered under your breath, knowing your curses couldn’t be heard over the boys shouts or Mina’s wailing. “Boys, in the car now!” One mitten wrestled onto Mina’s right hand. The twins didn’t hear you, or they ignored you. “Boys!” A snowball hit the ground by your feet. Two mittens on, and one seatbelt successfully buckled.

Ready to hoof it through the snow to put a twin on each hip, they were still small enough to do so, the front door shut followed by the jingling of keys as it was locked making both boys freeze in their boots.

Shooting you a look of reassurance before eyeing the boys, your husband, with a baby carrier in one hand and keys in the other, carefully started down the stairs. His smooth black hair that usually hung over his eyes was parted to the side, resting on top of his thin rimmed glasses that he pushed up his nose with his knuckle. A jean jacket not nearly warm enough for this weather hugged his stretch of a frame, hiding a white button up beneath it, the top two buttons undone with nothing under it.

It was a wonder why Wonwoo was such a surprise, your husband’s been a babe since the day you met. Fatherhood didn’t change him the slightest, if anything it made you want him more.

“Soobin,” you said through your teeth, placing your hands on top of your head. “I’m gonna lose my mind.” 

Speaking quietly as he came closer, you didn’t need your children hearing your moment of despair. They were all being a nuisance, but it was reasonable. The twins were excited, it was Christmas and they were about to spend the weekend with their family they rarely got to see, and Mina was getting sick. Not only that, Mina was two years old and still learning how to properly express the way she was feeling, still learning what emotions even were. Those words were bound to come out of Soobin at some point.

“You’re doing great,” Soobin said, handing you the carrier with your youngest snoozing away inside, bundled up in a bear onesie with ears on the hood, covered up with a fuzzy blanket to keep him warm and to make sure the seat buckles were on him securely. “Put him in his seat, I got tweedledee and tweedledum.” He pressed a quick kiss to your cheek as you giggled.

Since their father had stepped out of the house both Chan and Sunoo were attentive, one eye on Soobin and one eye on each other. They still made snowballs, but were hesitant to throw them. 

Circling around the trunk of the van, taking a peek inside to make sure everyone's bags were there, you watched as Soobin put his hands on his hips, and asked the boys nicely why they weren’t listening to you. The snowballs fell from their gloved fingers and they both shrugged.

“Your mother has been taking care of your sister all morning,” he began, the boys looking up to him with wide eyes. “You know Mina can’t do the things that you can do yet, she still needs a lot of help. I’m so proud of you both for getting dressed on your own and helping each other, but now it’s time to help Mom, okay?” 

Setting Wonwoo in his place, making sure everything was properly locked, twice, you tried to not let the twins' attentiveness to their father get you down. It seemed no matter what you did, no matter how you spoke to them, they chose to always, always, listen to Soobin.

Two tiny heads nodded, and two tiny voices spoke at once. “Okay, dad.”

“You’re excited it’s Christmas?” Soobin asked the boys, and they nodded again, faster this time. “Me too! You’re excited to see your cousins?” The boys smiled and nodded, starting to walk toward the car. “Me too, you know we haven’t seen your Uncle Taehyun in forever.”

Your step brother's name made you fumble, bumping the handle of Wonwoo’s carrier, making him stir. “No, no, no.” You whispered, freezing, saying a silent prayer that he wouldn’t wake.

Chan and Sunoo reached Soobin, both boys reaching up for him, tugging on his clothes in some way. “I can't pick you up right now, you decided to play in the snow and now you’re all wet.” Two pouty five year olds gazed up at him, big, round, sappy eyes. Mina may be his twin, but they all shared the same pouty face. You weren’t sure when the twins mastered it. “You made your decision. Now you have to climb over Mina to get in your seats because your brother is asleep.”

“She will kick us!” Chan nearly shouted, looking up to his father in shock. Sunoo’s glance exchanged between Soobin and his brother, anxious to see what he would say, because you all knew for a fact, that Mina wouldn’t hesitate to kick them.

The toddler had calmed her crying to watch her brothers, gnawing on one of the mittens you stuck back on her hands. Her tear stained cheeks perked up when she heard Soobin say her name. Either that, or she was proud that she already had a reputation at the ripe age of two.

“Mina won’t kick you,” you said, sliding the van door shut on Wonwoo’s side, walking around it to stand beside your husband. Gripping the handle of the passenger door, you raise a brow to Soobin and smirk. “We’re gonna be late, Soob. I’m already dreading seeing my family, I’d like to not pile on to the shit my mother has to say about me.”

“You said a bad word!” Sunoo gasped, pointing at you. Chan started to laugh. Soobin sighed.

“You said a bad word,” he said, completely serious. 

Your husband was a lot of things. For starters he was stunning, he knew how to dress, he was an incredible caring man, an amazing father, and a beast in the sheets. Underneath all the dreamy qualities you were still in shock you secured nine years ago, he was an insufferably proper prude. Not that you’d ever tell him that to his face, though you’ve hinted at it just to tease him. He was a gentleman, and he was raising the boys to be the same. He’d be damned if his boys ended up like half of the jerks he grew up with or encountered in his lifetime. Your husband didn’t curse, he spoke with intention, and always thought through everything carefully, sometimes too much.

Nine years together, five and a half years married, he hasn’t seemed to completely rub off on you yet. The two of you were utter opposites, anyone with eyes could see that. Anyone who knew you nine years ago could tell you that.

You and Soobin? You… With Soobin.

You, the loud mouthed, hot headed, class skipper who had detention every other week, with straight edged, outstanding GPA, respectable Soobin. Opposites attract, you assumed. Though you’d be lying if you said the beginning of your relationship wasn’t an excuse to escape the life you used to live. You were in love, you created a beautiful family, and you lived a happy life… An hour and a half away from the family you used to know.

Turning your attention down to the twins, you smiled. “I’m sorry I said a bad word. I’m a little frustrated.”

“But, that’s not an excuse,” Soobin raised his brows, looking from you to the boys. Taking a deep breath, choking back a sigh, you nodded.

“No. It’s not,” you grit your teeth. “I shouldn’t have said that word. I’m sorry.”

Soobin smiled at you. “Into the car boys, if Mina kicks you I don’t think I blame her.” He flashed you a wink as you got into your seat. Now that was more your parenting style, though you understood and appreciated Soobins. You were raised differently, you were still unlearning a lot of things, and it got a little easier with each child that came out of you.

Once the boys were in their seats and buckled after Mina did try to kick them as they climbed over her, your family was on the road, forty five minutes later than you originally planned. Between Sunoo’s outfit mishap, and now being late, you mentally prepared yourself to be berated by your mother. With Soobin by your side it’d be a little bit easier to take. Your stepfather always had your back too, telling your mother to back off if she ever started to lay it on too thick. The one who always took the brunt of it though, the one who seemed to make it disappear, was Taehyun.

Since the start, since your two families blended together, he’d stick up for you no matter the consequence. When it came to school, the two of you in the same grade, inseparable since middle school, if the two of you were caught in trouble he’d take full blame. Of course that only worked until high school when you started to get into trouble on your own, but even then Taehyun would step in front of you at home, getting the worst of the punishment.

It’d been two years since you’d last seen Taehyun. Two summers ago at his eldest daughter's tenth birthday party in his backyard, an hour and a half away in the opposite direction of you. You were the halfway point between him and your parents.

You were both thirty, you were both married, you had three year old twins and a newborn Mina, and he had his freshly ten year old daughter and seven year old son. 

His wife, Sana, waltzed around the backyard dressed to the nines with a glass of wine in one hand and her cell phone in the other, showing off her assets to anyone who cared to listen. The woman was a year younger than you both. Her hair, black as night, was pin straight down her slender back exposed by the deep purple low cut dress she had chosen to wear. Around her neck was a diamond necklace she would brag about, how grateful she was that her husband worked so hard to buy it for her, along with the gaudy wedding ring sitting on her left finger.

Their daughter, Rosie, a mini Sana, had clearly been dressed by her mother that morning. You can remember how many times Soobin mumbled, “If Mina ever…” angrily to you, offended that his sister-in-law would allow her daughter to dress that way at ten years of age. The second he brought your step brother into the mix, you shut your husband right down.

Taehyun wasn’t seen with Sana the entire party. He was with his boy, Minho, enjoying what seemed like a very expensive day you were certain he dropped every penny for. 

Taking care of Mina while Soobin watched over the twins running around the colorful water sprinklers, you were able to catch Taehyun’s ear only momentarily. A conversation that shoved a knife through your heart, even now if you thought about it for too long.

He was tired, Taehyun. Even though you were the one with a sleeping newborn slung over your shoulder in a dark, quiet hallway of his home. You could see it in his eyes that were once full of life beneath his messy dark hair. He wasn’t the man you knew anymore, and the weighted words you threw at each other when you were twenty came back to haunt you. Both of you.

Twenty was when everything changed. Taehyun got Sana pregnant. To which you begged him to not go through with, knowing what type of girl Sana was, even at nineteen years old. It was an accident, he once called it. Until the accident’s tenth birthday, where he nearly spat at your feet and admitted he did it on purpose.

He knocked Sana up on purpose to get away from you, to erase the past you shared, to which you sneered that that’s the very reason you wound up with Soobin. To get away from him, to erase the past you shared. The hurt that drowned his tired eyes was something you’d never be able to unsee.

Your sharp, hushed, venom laced voices were cut off by your husbands calling up to you from the bottom of Taehyun's carpeted stairs. With two hands on the banisters, Soobin had daggers for eyes, directing them only at Taehyun who you didn’t realize almost had you caged to the wall, the two of you entirely too close considering you had a baby across your chest. Soobin’s baby.

The end played out in your mind, regretting everything that had happened the moment you had collected your boys and gotten into the car. After Taehyun handed over two letters addressed to your twins, you hadn’t spoken since that moment.

Soobin’s hand slid over the soft, flowing fabric of your pants, bringing you back to present time. The twins were babbling away to one another in the third row, Mina was humming to herself, and Wonwoo was still sound asleep. Looking over at your husband, you find him glancing at you ever so often with a soft smile on his lips.

“You alright?” he asked. Grabbing his hand, you laced your fingers together and took a breath.

“Yeah,” you said, half convincing. “Just… tired. Between nursing Wonwoo and Mina fighting sleep last night, I just…”

“Right,” Soobin said, focused on the snowy road ahead. You’ve been on the road for about twenty minutes already. “Why don’t you rest until we get there?” Dragging a thumb over the back of his hand, you shrugged. Much like the needs of your children last night, your racing thoughts and pounding heart weren’t exactly going to soothe you to sleep.

Soobin lowered his brows, along with his voice. “What else is bothering you?” Though he could probably take a wild guess. Hesitating, you made your husband chuckle. “It’s going to be fine. When I talked to your mom she said he was excited to see everyone.”

“He was lying,” you whispered.

“You don’t know that,” Soobin said.

“Yes, I do.”

Pulling up to a red light, Soobin let go of your hand and touched the bottom of your chin, turning you so you would look at him. “It’s been two years. You’re thirty-two, and so is he. He’s your brother, surely you guys can use this weekend to make up and end this sibling tiff.”

The light turned green and he grabbed your hand again, his attention on the street and keeping his family safe on the hazardous roads.

Toying with his fingers, you mumbled, “He’s not my brother,” and ignored Soobin’s eyeroll and the way he pulled his hand away from you to grip the steering wheel.

“I’d also love to go this weekend without any of that,” he said, voice low.

With a heavy exhale, you twisted yourself nearly sideways to face him. “Don’t do that.”

He shot you a glare. “Don’t disappear on me.”

“Soobin.”

“I’m serious,” he said. “There’s four kids back there now, baby- Ugh, babe- Love, Jesus Christ.” Your bottom lip escaped between your teeth. Soobin shook his head. “Maybe since you’re fighting he won’t call you that. One less thing to worry about.”

Your relationship with Taehyun was a rocky path that Soobin somehow understood since day one. At the start of your relationship and up until Rosie’s tenth birthday, Soobin had never been too fond of him, knowing that Taehyun was ‘one of the jerk’s’ he didn’t want his sons becoming. At this point in your life, you’re saddened you’d have to agree.

The house you grew up in was nothing short of spectacular. Two stories high with staircases on each end of the house, it was a classically built home that your mother and step father took excellent care of. Half of the outside of the home was grey stone, while the other half, sunken back a bit, was a wash of sky blue. The driveway was grand and stretched up the blue side of the house to two chestnut brown garage doors, and from the paved driveway a sidewalk lined with gardens wound up the lawn to the front door that matched the garage.

Everything was covered in snow, making the house draped in twinkling white Christmas lights appear like it was on the cover of a magazine. From the bay window on the stone side of the house you could see the Christmas tree all lit up, wrapped in silver garland with an ornament on each branch. Every Christmas was the same. Dazzling lights outside, a show stopping display of a tree, and an anxiety attack that one of your kids would break a decoration around each corner of the house. It was like your mother forgot what it was like to have toddlers, they were worse than cats, they touched anything and everything.

Pulling into the shoveled driveway, the snow was still coming down and had worsened on the drive, both you and Soobin peeked behind you at the quiet car as soon as it was in park. 

Mina, out. Wonwoo, out. Chan, out. Sunoo, sitting with his hands in his lap, smiling at his parents.

“Hi honey,” you cooed. “Thought you were asleep like everyone else.” Soobin laughed.

“What’s up, bud,” he said. “You’ve been pretty quiet. You didn’t want to talk to mom and dad?”

Sunoo shrugged, his smile still puffing out his cheeks. “I was just watching.” The five year old gestured out the window with one hand before slapping it on top of his other one, gazing out at the snow.

You and Soobin shared a look of adoration. “Just watching,” you both said at the same time with a soft laugh.

“Do you wanna wake up Chan, or do you want Daddy to do it?”

Sunoo glanced at his snoozing brother and his crooked neck, then shrugged again. “Will he be cranky if I wake him up?” 

Soobin bit back another laugh. “He’s always cranky,” he mumbled for only you to hear, then said to his son, “Wake him up and tell him he has to help me bring in our things. So do you.”

“Okay, Daddy,” Sunoo said, reaching over as far as he could in his carseat to tap his brother's arm that dangled off the side.

Looking at Soobin, you nodded. “I got the babies. Why don’t you come say hi first, then we can all come back out here for everything else once my mom has hold of Meens?”

“She’s going to pass her off to Jin, you really think she’s going to let Wonwoo stay asleep?” Soobin smirked. He glanced past you out the window and took a breath. “Taehyun’s here, he can hold the baby. He hasn’t met him yet.” 

Peeking out the window, the old, black Jeep Wrangler littered with different stickers made your stomach sink to your knees. He’s driven that thing since he got his license. When you met Soobin’s gaze you could tell he was serious.

“Yeah,” you nodded, taking note of Chan in the back of the van who was rubbing his eyes vigorously. “He can hold him.”

Soobin reached across your seat, touching beneath your chin like he once did about an hour ago. “Listen,” he said softly, dragging a thumb over your cheek. “We’re going to have a good weekend. I promise. It’s Wonwoo’s first Christmas,” he dropped his voice to a whisper for a second, “The boys are getting their first bikes,” you both smiled, “And you and Taehyun… You’re going to make things right. It’s time to make things right. To… move on.”

“Don’t make it sound weird,” you muttered. Soobin perked a brow. “No, come on,” you groaned, squeezing your eyes shut. Your husband laughed, then leaned forward to give you a kiss.

Both Sunoo and Chan shrieked, “EWE!”

“I love you, you weirdo,” Soobin smiled. Mina stirred behind you, catching his attention for a second. Grabbing onto his hand you pressed a kiss to his fingers and sighed.

“I love you too, Soob, so much.”

His smile grew. “I know.”

Within minutes your entire crew was up the winding sidewalk, taking your sweet, sweet time because the kids found the lights so interesting. Mina, curled up into your shoulder, could've stared at the twinkling snowflakes hanging from the trees for hours. The twins led you up the couple of steps to the front door, telling both you and Soobin to be careful because it was slippery. Car seat in hand, Soobin saluted them as a thank you, and then insisted that they were the ones to knock on the door. Their faces lit up, their tiny fists going to town on the chestnut wood, the wreath hanging on it shaking like crazy.

A sing-songy voice could be heard on the other side along with another. Your blood pressure was through the roof. Catching a glimpse of Soobin watching the boys with pride helped ease the nerves, at least you’d be here with him, with all of them, your mini me’s you created with his help. Soobin was right, this was going to be a great weekend, you were here together, and that was enough.

The doorknob to the door rattled, and it swung open in a flash, your heart rate skyrocketing for a millisecond until your mother cheered, throwing her arms around your boys.

“Finally!” Fabulous as always, she wore a champagne colored chiffon dress cut off at her knees with flowing sleeves and matching Loubuittons. Diamonds hung around her neck and dripped from her ears and her wrists. Her hair was curled, and her makeup was pristine. Always the picture of perfection.

“Hi Mom,” you smiled, pressing your lips together, firm. With a twin on each leg, she flipped her hair over her shoulder and shot you an award winning grin.

“Hello my dear,” she crooned. “Hi Soobin, Merry Christmas.” 

“Merry Christmas, Joy,” Soobin smiled.

“Come in! Come in! God, it’s freezing out here,” Joy shuffled herself inside with the boys attached to her, making them giggle like crazy. Exchanging a look with Soobin, you both rolled your eyes.

“Rosie and Minho are in here somewhere,” Joy began, detaching the twins from her. Sunoo and Chan lifted their chins and looked around the house, taking it in as if they had never seen it before. “You’ll find them eventually, they’re not good at hiding.” 

Your mother laughed toward you as if you’d get her joke. You settled for a sympathy laugh regardless, one she didn’t notice. Mouth agape, she tiptoed to your side, sliding a hand over Mina’s back.

“Think we’re coming down with something,” you said, giving your girl a gentle bounce. “She’s gonna be clingy all weekend.”

Joy pouted her silicone filled lips and held open her arms. “Be clingy right here, darling. Come ‘ere, sweetie.”

Kissing the top of Mina’s head you spoke quietly to her. “Go see your grandma, Meens.” You attempted to take her off your hip, but your girl held on tight.

“Oh, Mina,” Joy sang. “Joy has cookies in the kitchen, do you want some cookies?” Mina picked her head up, her heavy eyes blinking a couple of times before she held up a hand.

“Cookie,” she babbled.

“Cookie?” Chan whined. “Cookies? Joy, you have cookies?”

“Can we have cookies too?” Sunoo asked, looking up at you and Soobin. “I want some cookies too, please.”

Joy waited for the parents to answer, giving you eyes as persuasive as your kids.

“Well,” Soobin said, looking at you. “Can’t say no, you already brought it up. You can each have one cookie.”

Joy held her hands up and Mina nearly jumped into them. Wiggling your daughter out of her winter coat and mittens, Soobin took care of the boys and helped you hang everything up in the closet by the door after Joy hurried off to the kitchen with the kids. Sliding a hand around your back, he kissed your cheek and chuckled to himself.

“What?” Smiling up at him, you wrapped your arms around his back. He nuzzled his nose against yours and took a breath.

“Mm, nothing,” he shrugged. “Just thinking about how those kids are going to be glued to your mom all weekend.” His hands slipped lower over your pants, smoothing over the flowing fabric. “They’re going to forget about us, and we can get lost in this big house, and-” A whine slipped out of the carseat a few feet away from you. Soobin waited with baited breath for the baby to make another noise. You couldn’t help but laugh, burying your face into the collar of his jacket.

“Unfortunately that one can smell if I’ve ventured too far away from him,” you said. Soobin, still smiling, shook his head and kissed you much deeper than he had all day.

“Guess she was going to let him sleep,” Soobin said, untangling himself from you. He started for the carseat, greeting his youngest son with the sweetest voice.

“Yeah, I guess,” you furrowed your brows and glanced down the hall toward the kitchen where commotion was evident. “Here.” Turning to your husband who had Wonwoo out of the seat, tucked in the air in a newborn scrunch, you held out your arms to scoop up your little one. “He’s gonna be hungry soon.”

Adjusting the hood on his head while he was cradled in your arms, Soobin cocked his head to the side. “Give him to Joy, he can have a cookie.”

“Stop,” you laughed, shaking your head. Tapping your baby’s bottom, you turn around to peek down the hall again. “Shall we? Surely someone in there with arms will take him. I’ll help you bring in our stuff.”

“The boys will help me,” Soobin said, following you as you started down the long hall lined with galleries of photos of your family, both immediate and distant. There were plenty of you and Taehyun.

“The boys are five, and we have a lot of stuff,” you said. “They’re going to carry two bags and then they’ll hear Joy say something that sparks their interest and like you said, they’ll forget we’re here.”

The hardwood floor clicked beneath your shoes, echoing up into the high ceilings lined with wooden beams. The beige walls in this place seemed to stretch for miles, and just as you expected, there was some sort of Christmas pizzazz on every square inch. Turning into the kitchen that was toasty warm, you find the entire room was brand new. The last time you were here was shortly before Wonwoo was born, so that means in the past six months this kitchen had had another facelift.

The tile was marble, the counters were marble, and the cabinets were a dark forest green. On the end of the house, the ceiling on the kitchen was slanted and adorned with a massive skylight lined with spotlights shining down into the room.

“Mom, what the hell,” you said a little too loud.

“Bad word!” Sunoo pointed at you. 

Joy, at the island counter with Mina sitting on the marble with a cookie in her hand and both boys standing beside her, looked toward you curiously. “What's the matter, honey?”

“This,” you gestured around the kitchen you had to admit was gorgeous. “It’s like the fifth time you’ve redone it.”

Joy frowned. “You don’t sound happy, what is it ugly? What did I miss?” She parroted her head around like she’d find an imperfection somewhere. Mina copied her, glancing around before she spotted you and Soobin and smiled.

“Mama,” she said, waving her cookie toward you.

“Hi Mina,” you nodded, stepping closer to her. “No, Mom, it’s… stunning. Just wish you’d commit to an aesthetic. This shit’s expensive.”

“Bad wooord!” Sunoo and Chan shouted.

“Babe,” Soobin’s tone was flat.

“This shit is very expensive, darling, but my God, it’s gorgeous,” Joy waved a hand around, flicking her diamond bracelet up and down her wrist.

“Joy! Bad word!” Chan pouted, looking up at his grandmother in defeat. Soobin sighed heavily, and you wanted to apologize, but he pulled the boys out of the kitchen before you had the chance to do so.

“We’re going to bring our things inside,” your husband said to you, disappearing with the boys down the hall.

Once he was gone Joy wiggled her brows. “Daddy Soobin still strict as ever, huh?”

“He’s not strict, Mom,” you shook your head. “He’s far from it.”

“Mhm,” she hummed, taking a bite out of a cookie. Mina tried to grab it from her, but she pulled it away. “Sweetie, you’ve got your own, and your military boot camp daddy said only one.”

“One,” Mina smiled, holding up a finger. Joy’s face lit up, making your daughter laugh.

“Good job, Mina,” she cooed. “How’s that baby of yours?” She asked you while she played with Mina.

Looking down at Wonwoo who was gazing up at the skylight, you smiled at him. “He’s perfect.”

“You feeling better about adjusting to four?” Joy snuck a glimpse of you, her eyes written with something you couldn’t quite decipher.

“I am,” you nodded. “Wonwoo’s an angel, so he made it too easy. Makes me feel like we could do five.” Joy thankfully laughed along with your joke.

“Yeah, well, if my husband looked like that I don’t think we’d stop.”

“Mom!” Your eyes went wild as she laughed.

“Come on, I’ve said it since you started dating him, Soobin’s a good one.”

Looking down at your baby again, you smiled. “He is a good one.” The kitchen went quiet for a moment, the only sound coming from Mina as she tried to put a cookie into Joy's mouth, and cheering to herself as she did. Praising her, Joy took a bite of the sugary snack and put it down, meeting your unreadable gaze. 

“What’s the matter? You’re pregnant again, aren’t you.”

“Mom!”

“You have that look on your face,” she circled her finger toward you. Mina grabbed onto it and tried to put it in her mouth. “No, honey, you can’t eat my jewelry… What’s going on?”

With a breath, you shrugged and forced the words out of your mouth, attempting to sound as casual as possible. “Taehyun and Sana here?”

Joy lifted a brow. “Taehyun’s here. No Sana.”

“No?” you questioned in surprise. Joy eyed you curiously.

“Sweetie, they’ve been divorced for almost a year,” she said. Placing her palms flat on the marble counter around your daughter to keep her in a safe space, Joy narrowed her eyes. “You’re telling me you didn’t know that?”

Mouth wide open, you scoffed. “Had no idea. How did this not come up this summer?” 

Joy shrugged. “I dunno, I figured the two of you had talked, and it’s his business, he didn’t need me spreading it around.”

She had a point.

“When was the last time you spoke to your brother?”

The word made your skin crawl.

“He’s not…” you nearly sneered, but stopped yourself before you opened a can of worms. “We haven’t talked… in a long time.”

Joy dodged a Mina kick, but still swam in her laughter, squeezing her cheeks with glee. “Tell me when that was.”

Swallowing hard, you took a deep breath. “Rosie’s tenth birthday party.”

“What!” Joy shouted, startling Mina. “I’m sorry, honey, c’mere.” She popped your daughter on her hip and scrambled out of the kitchen. “Follow me.”

Doing what you were told, you shifted Wonwoo over your shoulder and followed your mother to the other side of her home down the stretch of another hall. On the way you passed by a full bathroom, an office space and a living room with a TV screen as large as one in a movie theater. You ended up at the bottom of a staircase with your heart at the bottom of your stomach.

“Taehyun!” Joy shouted up the wooden dual level stairs.

“Mom, stop, we’ll talk,” you whispered, but your cries for help went unnoticed.

“Kang Taehyun!”

“Tae-yun,” Mina said, observing her grandmother. “Tae-yun!”

“Great,” you mumbled. What a fantastic word for her to learn and bring home with her.

“I’m coming!” His voice sent chills down your spine. “Hang on!” Even muffled by walls it churned your stomach into knots.

“You’re gonna talk now,” Joy shot you a glare over her shoulder. “It is Christmas goddamnit, I won’t have my kids fighting on Christmas.”

All you could give her was a sigh. From the front of the house you heard the door open and close. Poor boys were only on trip number one.

“Mom, I have to help Soobin with the car-”

Her hand cut you off. “Hush, he’s coming.”

Footsteps sounded upstairs, hurried footsteps, ones you would recognize blindfolded. You spent years listening to and memorizing the footsteps of the people you shared this house with.

“Taehyun!” Joy shouted for the last time.

He appeared at the top of the stairs with a grin, and the wind was knocked out of you. Meeting your eyes first he must’ve read your energy, because he blinked a couple of times and retreated down a single step hesitantly. You wanted to greet him somehow, this was no way for you to see somebody for the first time in two years, standing at the bottom of a staircase speechless.

He looked different. His hair was a little lighter, and you wondered if it was done on purpose or if age was already getting to him. Dressed the same as he usually would be, dark ripped jeans and a band tee that finally fit him properly instead of hanging off of his skinny frame. He hated the gym, there wasn’t a chance in hell he’d been working out… But, then how would he be filling out the sleeves of the tee the way he was if he wasn’t lifting… something.

There was color in his cheeks and life in his big brown eyes. He looked happy. And it tore your heart apart.

“Hi, Baby,” he shot you a big, toothy grin. “Long time, no see.”

“Yeah,” you breathed. “Long time no see.” Taehyun's gaze dropped to the baby in your arms. You swore his smile faltered before he met your eyes once more.

“Care to explain to me why your sister told me the two of you haven’t spoken in two years?” Joy cut the ever so joyous reunion off, and for once you were grateful for her obliviousness. Taehyun tilted his head to the side to think, but you know he knew damn well why the two of you haven’t spoken. It just wasn’t something you could share in front of Joy.

“Uhm, it’s just… Life, I guess,” Taehyun shrugged twice, looking at you for help. Either that or he was mentally crucifying you for opening your mouth.

Joy popped a hip and clicked her tongue. “You’re a shit liar, just like your father,” she said. “Whatever is going on, you two work it out before dinner please.” Stepping away from the stairs, Mina in her arms, she held up a hand and shouted, “No fighting on Christmas!”

You watched her walk away, and the moment she was out of earshot you pointed your attention up to the top of the stairs. Taehyun’s eyes were wide, and his smile was gone. Both of his hands held onto the wooden railing, like he was ready to prop himself up on it and slide down like he’s done before many times. He tried to teach you how to do it a long, long time ago, but you ended up with stitches in your elbow instead.

“You really said something to her?” Taehyun broke the minute of silence that was beginning to suffocate you both. “I was fully prepared for you to walk in here and we just pretend like everything is okay for a couple days for her sake.”

“I can’t do that,” you whispered.

His jaw tightened. “I need you to do that.” He started down the stairs, his chunky sneakers clunking with every rushed step he took. Brushing past you, his scent was familiar. He still wore the same cologne.

“And what if I can’t?” Your voice made him freeze. He turned around halfway.

“Then, I’m gonna take my kids and we’re gonna leave,” he said, then continued down the hall.

“We’re really not gonna talk about this?” you asked. “We’re not even gonna try to fix it?”

He whirled around, swinging his hands at his sides before he crossed them over his chest. His biceps bulged out of his sleeves. “We’re not,” he gritted his teeth. He took two steps closer to you. “We can’t. There is nothing to fix.”

“It’s Christmas.” Your voice was barely a whisper.

Taehyun glanced down to where Wonwoo laid. “Yeah. It’s Christmas. You keep having babies, and I’m divorced. You’re happily married, playing house with your amazing husband, and keep pulling me back under whenever you come around and wanna talk.” You gulped, he watched you do so. “We’re done. We were a long time ago. Now, we act like everything is fucking perfect, or I’m gonna get called into work tonight and break Joys heart.”

Staring each other down, he didn’t walk away until you nodded. Wonwoo stirred on your shoulder, a small sound slipping out of the boy's mouth. Rubbing his back you watched Taehyun disappear around a corner wrapped in silver garland. Resting your cheek on the hood of Wonwoo’s onesie, you soothed him with a gentle hush, bouncing him ever so gently, turning away from the hall.

An empty cry came out of the infant you cradled, one that made you laugh. “I know, lovie,” you breathed. “I feel the same way.” 

Your eyes landed on a set of photos on the wall in a sleek black frame. Both photos, top and bottom, were from you and Taehyun’s first day of high school. Joy took your picture before you got on the bus in the morning, and then again when you got home. 

In the photo on top you were both dressed nice and your hair was done. Taehyun, as skinny as a rail, was covered in black with a red checkered flannel around his shoulders, and you were in a yellow sundress. You would’ve never worn it if Taehyun didn’t tell you it made you look pretty. Hanging around your bedroom door all morning while you tried to put on a little makeup that Joy had given you, he wouldn’t leave you alone.

At that point, freshman year of high school, your families had been living together for four years. Jin and Joy weren’t married yet, you can still hear the distant jokes they’d make about living in sin.

The bottom photo was hysterical, it honestly made you smile. Standing out front on the sidewalk both you and Taehyun struck funny poses, and on the bus ride home, you’d almost switched outfits. His flannel was tied around your waist, and the two of you tried to switch shoes even though his feet were three sizes bigger than yours. Every piece of jewelry you had put on that morning was given to him, which would mark this as the day that Jin and Joy found out he had pierced his ears himself, without your help, of course. 

Neither your mother nor his father, still to this day, ever found out that sometime that July the two of you went full Parent Trap and stabbed needles through his earlobes in the bathroom you shared. Lindsay Lohan really made it seem entirely too easy, it took three tries to get the needle through his skin. Practice makes perfect though, because when you were eighteen you pierced each other's second and third holes in that bathroom at four in the morning after downing half of Joys Svedka. You made sure to fill it up with water before she and Jin came home from their second cruise of the year.

Low and behold, in true Joy fashion, she never found out.

He had three silver studs in each ear today. Two summers ago he had three silver studs in each ear. You wondered if changing the jewelry gave him the same numb feeling it gave you. He used to wear diamonds, and sometimes he’d wear hoops, or chains that hung from each piercing. Either he didn’t care to switch out the earrings now, in which case he could just take the jewelry out and let the holes close, or he cared too much, and couldn’t touch them. 

Scoffing under your breath at yourself, you shake your head. Thirty-two years old and you were still wallowing in the halls of your mothers home trying to put the puzzle pieces together to figure out if Taehyun cared about you. “Grow up,” you mumbled, spinning around your heels to find your boys. They’d pull you out of this.

“Hope you aren’t talking to me,” Soobin said with a smile, turning the corner just as you were about to sprint out of the hall.

Startled, you huff a laugh and meet him at his side. “No, not you,” you said. “Myself.” Soobin poked one of Wonwoo’s hands, letting the infant latch onto it, squeezing it with might. Only your husband's eyes flickered up to question you.

“Taehyun said you needed me?”

Your face twisted in confusion. “What?”

Thinning his lips into a line, Soobin bobbed his head. “He insisted on helping bring our stuff inside, and when I refused, politely, he told me that you needed me and sent me this way.”

“He’s a jerk.”

“What?” Soobin tilted his head. “I mean- Yeah, but, what happened? Are you okay?”

The sigh you let out ended with a gravely groan. “I’m fine, Soob. I told Joy we haven’t spoken, and she went… All Joy. He’s mad I told her. Said it’s something we can’t work out, ever. Guess he sent you this way ‘cause he thinks I’ll be emotional about it.”

Soobins sparkling eyes studied your being. “Are you?” 

“Do I look like I’m throwing a tantrum?” 

He laughed and shook his head. “I don’t think so,” he paused, looking down at his son who was getting more vocal. “I do know you expected things to get back to normal after you saw each other, though. You wanted to talk it out.”

“I did,” you said, averting your gaze to the floor. “As normal as our normal is.”

Soobin rolled his eyes, but not to degrade you. “Yeah, babe, I wanted you guys to work this out.” Snapping your eyes to his, your lips parted in shock. It made him smirk and roll his eyes again. “As much as I… dislike…” he waved his free hand behind him, “Most of this, and what it put you through… He was your best friend. You can’t deny that.”

“You’re my best friend,” you whispered, and Soobin smized before he shook his head.

“That’s sweet,” he smiled. “But, we know that’s not true.” 

Wonwoo broke out into a cry, a real one this time. Shifting him to a cradle you bounced him and hummed.

“Hungry,” you whispered to the baby. Soobin took a step closer, closing the empty space between you. “Imma go upstairs to feed him.”

Soobin smoothed a hand over yours. “Give him to me. He can have a bottle for now.” Meeting his gaze, you purse your lips. “Go make sure Taehyun didn’t let Chan and Sunoo in the snow.”

Following you out into the foyer where there were a plethora of bags and suitcases, you helped Soobin with Wonwoo’s diaper bag, a battered blue thing that had ‘C. & S.’ stitched into the material right beneath the zipper. All four of your babies have used this bag, and you intended to follow through with the tradition no matter how many times Jin and Joy tried to gift you a brand new, brand name expensive one. Neither you or your husband have gotten a glimpse of the tree yet, but you could make a huge assumption that there would be one wrapped up for you beneath those glittering branches.

Kids were messy, and baby’s were no better. Between you and Soobin, you’ve both told them that they didn’t need to give you the high end things with marked up prices that would be ruined in a few days. You were doing perfectly fine with what you had. And Wonwoo is the baby of four! Back home you had a house filled to brim with enough to have you settled for a fifth or even a sixth.

“Everything is in here, right?” Slinging the bag over Soobin’s shoulder that didn’t have an infant over it, your voice was quiet. Moving at about a mile a minute, you popped the bag open to double check your husband would have what he needed, and listened to him as he laughed.

“I packed the bag, darling, everything’s there,” he said. Looking up at him, you blinked a couple of times. “I’ll be in the kitchen feeding him, okay?” You bobbed your head, rubbing Wonwoo’s back. “I’ll also be looking for our daughter, she and Joy are very quiet.” Darting his eyes down the hall, a snicker escaped you both before he leaned down to kiss your forehead. “Come find us when you grab the boys.”

A well-oiled, beautifully communicative team. Soobin truly was the greatest. Coming with so many faults and so much baggage, just look at where you are for the weekend, your husband very rarely, and almost never at all, brings you down for it. Trips like these are always a reminder that you struck gold nine years ago when you decided to take him up on that date night.

Ice cream and a movie. The simplest night, yet one you’ll cherish and remember forever. He picked you up in his used white, two door BMW, from the front porch of this very house. Knocking on the door, Jin was the one to answer. Soobin, in blue jeans and a white t-shirt, stepped up and held out his hand to shake your step-fathers. Back then he wore thick rimmed glasses, nothing like the skinny frames he wears now. They sat on the edge of his nose, and his dark bangs that used to hang in front of his face brushed right over the top of them.

He was totally boy next door, entirely pure, and all the more sweet. A gentleman, he paid for it all, he held your hand during the movie, and when he dropped you off, he walked you to the door and kissed your cheek. It wasn’t anything like you were used to, you had never, ever in your life had a date, yet alone one like Soobin. That one Friday night turned into every Friday night, and four kids later here you were.

Tugging the front door open to fetch your boys, Taehyun seemed to be walking in at the same exact time, bumping directly into you as he fumbled with the door. Nose to nose, you didn’t have a second to even see if the twins were covered in snow as they bolted over the threshold past your legs.

“Oh, shit, sorry,” he muttered. His eyes darted away from yours, watching the boys fly down one of the halls, you weren’t sure which.

Still gripping the door handle, digging your fingertips into the gold, you were certain your knuckles were white. Jaw as tight as can be, you sucked in a breath, his cologne surrounding you both comforting and all the more repulsive. Centimeters between you, you wanted nothing more than to release the door and lay your palm out on the side of his face, preferably at a speed that would knock some sense into him. Though you aren’t sure for what.

Taehyun looked down at you, his round lips pursing slightly as he read your expression. A snarky breath of air came out of him as he rolled his eyes. “Give it up,” he said. There was an insatiable itch lying just beneath your skin.

“Yanno, I would, actually,” you began, your eyebrows plummeting. “But, you listened to me.”

A real smirk graced his lips, flashing you his perfectly straight, pearly white teeth. “What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“Sana,” you said. Your entire being filled with glee when his cocky smile fell off his face. “What was it, two years ago? Something like that right?” He rolled his eyes again, his staple. “Someone told me that they were… happy? Was that it? That they were happy, and not exhausting themselves for love? Overworking themselves to get out of their house, to get away from their wife? To get-” “Oh my god, shut up!” Taehyun groaned, dipping his head forward.

The newfound life in his eyes you caught a glimpse of was very much real. The big,  round, chocolatey brown, galaxy filled eyes were back. You hadn’t realized how much you’d missed them. They were set perfectly on his face, the buttery olive color of his skin making them pop right above his sculpted nose and cheekbones. His face was slender, and a little small, but his eyes were oceans, filled with wonder. They always have been.

Boys always got the things girls didn’t, like the eyelashes, and Taehyun had plenty to spare. With each blink they fluttered, the chocolate brown turning into a daydream the longer you gazed up at him. His hardened, annoyed expression softened, and you felt yours do the same. His pink lips parted as if to say something, but nothing came out. Instead, his eyes flickered between yours, slowly, like they were trying to drink up this moment, as if it would never happen again.

Thirty-two looked good, the years were clearly kind to him, and you only hoped he was thinking the same. After four kids and five years of sleepless nights, you weren’t feeling your best. Not only that, you were also six months postpartum, wearing clothes that barely hugged your figure so you’d be comfortable. After those four kids, comfort had become a priority.

Taehyun was single now, he had bulked up, and you figured out in these two minutes that he colored his hair lighter on purpose. He looked good. He looked nice. He looked like himself. His entire fit tumbled you back almost twelve years, before Sana, before kids, before everything went to shit. It left you unsettled, but it also wrapped around you with warmth, and safety. Normal, and happy, and comforting, like home should be.

A pout snuck onto your lips, one that Taehyun shifted his gaze toward. “Tae,” you whispered, feeling a lump form in your throat.

“No, no, no, you’re gonna cry,” he shook his head the slightest. “Don’t cry.”

“But I will,” you pressed your lips together tight after the words left you. “Talk to me. Please. Especially now, please.”

A sharp breath shot through him. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from yours. “I don’t know if I can handle going there again.” His voice was a whisper.

“We don’t have to,” your eyebrows flipped over, pleading with him. Now he looked away, toward the floor between you. “We can start from two years ago, or we can start over, we can be brand new, we can be…” you gulped, “Brother and sister.” 

His shoulders shot back as he stood up straight and plastered the cocky smirk back on his lips. “You really think we can do that?”

Nodding, you tried to smile, but it wouldn’t work. “I do,” you lied to keep him talking. Taehyun shrugged and dropped his smug act that never stood a chance around you, you weren’t even sure why he still tried. “For the sake of our families and our futures, I do.” His eyes melted into yours. The lump lodged in your throat forced a tiny tear out of the corner of your eye. “You were my best friend, Tae.”

“We were codependent and stupid,” he sighed. The words shoved a knife into your gut.

“I don’t disagree,” you said to his surprise. “Codependent and stupid. But, you were my best friend. I miss you.”

Hesitating, Taehyun danced his eyes all around your face, studying you, taking you in. With a breath and a heavy exhale, he nodded, swallowing hard. “I miss you, too.”

“Not lying?”

He shook his head. “Not lying.”

A smile lit up your face. “Joy still has those pictures of us on the wall, the ones from freshman year?”

“The clothes switch?” You both said at the same time and laughed.

“Oh god, they couldn’t take us anywhere,” Taehyun said.

“Menaces, both of us,” you giggled.

Taehyun quirked a brow. “I think I still have those earrings, the ones you had on that day.”

“Now you’re lying, there’s no way you have the-”

“Dangly silver diamonds Joy gave me for our middle school graduation.”

“Dangly silver diamonds Joy gave you for our middle school graduation.”

The both of you screwed your mouths shut and held in a laugh. Taehyun's cheeks turned an endearing shade of pink, and it wasn’t from the open door you were both still standing in. Peeking at the floor like a flustered teenager, he licked his lips and huffed a laugh.

“See,” you said, getting his attention. “We keep talking at the same time, that’s something siblings do, right?”

Taehyun cringed, the physical reaction he had to the words was the same as you.

“That’s…” he began, curling his lip.

“Weird?” you added quietly, and he nodded. “Agreed. I hate it.”

“Friends?” he offered, his voice jumping up at the end, preparing himself for you to hate it. “Is that… less weird?”

“Friends,” you smiled, bouncing your knees once to signify your delight. It was going to have to be something you both worked for, but it was better than nothing. “Thank you.” Reaching between you, you rested your hand on his arm and tried to not express your shock over the muscles that rippled beneath your touch. 

Taehyun glanced at your fingers for a moment, then he smiled and gave his full attention back to you. Lifting a hand, he brushed it over your cheek and tucked some of your hair behind your ear, letting his fingers dance over the earrings you chose to wear. Breath hitching in your throat, your grip tensed on his arm, squeezing accidentally. Time slowed, and for a moment you forgot where you were. A screech from the kitchen from one of your kids brought you back, and both of your hands dropped in an instant. Neither of you had anything to say.

“No wonder it’s freezing!” Joy’s voice carried from around the corner where she appeared from. Whipping yourself around, jumping away from Taehyun, you smiled and took a deep breath. “Shut the damn door!” She was kidless with one arm tucked under the other.

“Sorry,” you said in a hurry, bringing yourself closer to her so that Taehyun could follow orders and push the door shut, clicking the lock into place. Joy took her hands to your shoulders and rubbed your arms, flashing you a curious brow. “We brought the house with us, clearly.” Peeking over your shoulder, you meet Taehyun’s eyes, watching you.

Joy looked from Taehyun, to you, then back to Taehyun. “Did we make up?” She forced her serious tone out of the depths of where she locked away all her parenting skills. Both you and Taehyun gave her a nod.

“All good, Mom,” you said. “Can I help you with dinner? Are we getting anything started yet?”

Joy pressed a hand to your cheek, right where Taehyun’s had been. “Jin’s at the store picking up a couple of last minute things, when he gets back we’ll really get started.”

“Oh, yeah, he’s got my kids,” Taehyun snickered, waltzing past the two of you toward the kitchen.

“Does he?!” Joy shouted. “This whole time I thought they were getting into trouble somewhere up there!” She gestured to the floor above her.

Taehyun paused beside her and grabbed her shoulder. “Joy, be honest, you never knew what happened up there.” 

“I knew enough, okay?” Defending herself, she held up a hand. “You were two teenagers going through everything at the same exact time, I was not going to get in your way! I was a teenager before, okay? I hated when my mother was in my space. When we moved into this house you both got the second floor for a reason!”

“A+ parenting, Joy,” Taehyun nodded, and you did your best to swallow a giggle.

Joy groaned. “Come on you two, I’ve been up there. I wasn’t a neglectful mother! Taehyun, we helped you move out, I saw the walls and the carpets in both your rooms, and the tile in the bathroom. You were kids, you were stupid, but you had your own space and it made you two closer than ever, and as a mother, I couldn’t ask for more.”

Tiny feet running down the hall stole everyone's attention. Chan and Sunoo, at the speed of light, wearing wicked smiles, were flying toward the other end of the hall. As they passed by the three of you, Sunoo latched onto Taehyun's legs, his short arms just making it around them.

“Whoa!” Taehyun shouted, gripping the little one by the back to make sure he wouldn’t fall, his voice signaling to Chan that his brother had stopped shorthand.

“What the heck are you two doing?” You watched Chan turn around and wrap himself around Taehyun's other leg, his arms just barely reaching his brother's shoulders. The twins laughed maniacally, then gazed up at Taehyun.

“We was racing, Mom!” Chan said, sucking down deep breaths.

“We were racing,” Taehyun corrected.

Sunoo’s smile was so wide it almost hid the tired in his eyes. The only one out of four to not have a car nap. “We raced to Uncle Taehyun! I won!”

Joy planted a hand over heart. “How sweet,” she said, giving you a look.

Chan leapt away from his uncle and crossed his arms over his tucked in button down. Dark brows lowered furiously, your five year old scolded his copy. “We was not, Sunoo!” A little performer, Chan stomped a foot. “You said the hallway!”

“We were not, Chan,” Taehyun corrected him again. He crouched down and wrapped an arm around Sunoo, then motioned for Chan to join him in his other one. “Besides, it doesn't matter who won, right?” Sunoo opened his mouth to object, but Taehyun moved right along. “It’s Christmas, and Santa comes tonight.” The boy's eyes shot open wide, and you and Joy laughed quietly.

“He’s so good with them,” Joy said to you under her breath.

“We can’t be mad at each other when Santa’s coming, can we?!” Taehyun asked, and both boys shook their heads. “Right,” he grinned, the sight making your stomach flip. “Now, I say we go upstairs and look for something to do while we wait for Rosie and Minho to come back and play. Sounds good?”

“Good!” Sunoo and Chan shouted.

“Yanno, it’s uncanny,” Joy said as she took a step backward toward the kitchen. You both watched Taehyun take a twin with each hand and start for the stairs on the opposite end of the house. “They share no relation, but those boys have his damn eyes.” Shooting you a smile like she didn’t just send your stomach plummeting for the floor, she turned around for the kitchen and shouted, “Soobin, I want my grandson! Give him up!”

Arms slung around Soobin’s shoulders where he sat at the kitchen table, you rested your chin on the top of his head, watching Joy rock Wonwoo in her arms. The chiffon fabric that hung from her arms brushed over his face occasionally, making him giggle, and in return, making everyone else giggle. Still swaddled in his teddy bear onesie, Wonwoo stared at his grandmother in awe, his stubby fingers trying to reach for her shiny jewelry.

“I love it when they can’t run away,” Joy cooed, nuzzling her nose on Wonwoo’s. “In a couple months he’ll be on the move, then you won’t be able to do this anymore.”

“Ouch, okay, don’t do that to me,” you said, and Soobin agreed.

“That’s our baby,” Soobin frowned. “Please don’t rush it.”

Joy smiled toward you two, nodding to Mina who was cuddled up on Soobins lap. Her thumb was in her mouth and her eyes were halfway shut. She was completely dead weight, Soobin already tried to move her. She wouldn’t budge.

“Least that one’s still cuddly,” she said. Blowing a raspberry, you glanced down at your daughter. “Your only girl… Consider another.” Eyes boggling out of your head, you and Soobin both, you laughed and held each other tighter. Soobin had his hand wrapped around one of your wrists.

“Four seems like quite enough, Joy,” Soobin said. Joy raised her eyebrows, shrugged, and cooed down at Wonwoo. “We didn’t even know that one was coming!”

Joy’s attention shot up. “Exactly,” she smized. “It could happen again!”

You and Soobin shared a quick look. “Mm,” you hummed. “I don’t think so.”

“Don’t be so silly,” Joy said to the baby, directed at you. “Anything can happen, anything is possible… Right, Wonwoo?” Your son cooed at his grandmother. “That’s right, sweetie pie.”

Watching your mother cradle the baby and talk about having more kids as if it were nothing but a past time nauseated you. Here, in a kitchen that’s been redone oodles of times, in a house that was oodles of dollars you cannot even begin to comprehend, with a woman who had one daughter with a man she was married to for not even a year.

Dating men on and off throughout your childhood before she met Jin, you encountered a lot of strange and unusual people who somehow, conveniently, always had money. They would spoil your mother and buy her things she didn’t need that she’d give to you. Plenty of them offered her marriage, but she refused for whatever good reason she had in her materialistic mind.

It wasn’t that she was a bad mother, she didn’t neglect you, or brush you off, or set you aside… It was more of the fact that she was rarely present, and if she was present, she wasn’t paying attention.

Most of the men she dealt with were way older than her and typically kidless. If they did have kids, they were old enough to be out of the picture without having to be around to see their father mess around with a gold digger single mother. You really don’t know how she did it, maintaining multiple relationships at once without them figuring each other out. But, everything changed when she met Jin. Taehyun’s father.

Neither of you liked to say it was your fault they ended up together, but ultimately it was your fault that they ended up together. An elementary school incident that had both of your parents meeting in front of the teachers desk at the end of a long winter's day.

Taehyun had been pulling on your pigtails, and you didn’t like it very much, so you took it upon yourself to push him to the floor. When he fell he knocked over one of the toy bins, and stuffed animals poured out on the floor everywhere, and Taehyun saw an opportunity. He picked one up and threw it at you. Thus beginning a stuffy fight with every first grader in the class.

It took two years for them to start dating, it wasn’t official until you were in third grade and you hadn’t spoken to Taehyun in a while because you had girl friends at that point, and boys had cooties, and besides, Taehyun would always be the boy who used to pull your hair.

Joy and Jin kept a lot of things separate for a while, they didn’t let you or Taehyun see them together, interact, or just simply know if they were going out together. It was some well kept secret, one that was hidden out of sight for about a year and half, until the summer of sixth grade when they decided to buy a house and move everybody in together. Taehyun wasn’t happy. At first, neither of you were. You adjusted a lot faster, loving the big, brand new room where you’d have complete interior design control, and long halls, stretchy walls, and echoey ceilings. A touch of Joy's materialism may have rubbed off on you at some point.

The boy who now lived across the hall from you struggled for almost a year. Joy had found her perfect match, because Jin had no idea. Taehyun would spend too much time in his room blasting loud music, and shortly after living together you found out that he knew how to sneak in and out of his bedroom window, shimmying down a tree that hugged the back edge of the house. Eventually you would learn how to do that, too. And it was painful. But, it was entirely too much fun. You figured out quickly how to get friends into your rooms from that tree.

Joy was half right when she told you she didn’t neglect you, but that didn’t mean she was winning Mother Of The Year. When she held your kids and cuddled them, and kissed their noses, and gave them treats, her intentions were genuine. It healed some part of you deep down inside, while it simultaneously crushed your heart into a trillion pieces. They were getting a side of her you didn’t get.

The moment you found out you were pregnant in the upstairs bathroom of this house, not even knowing it was twins, you vowed to be the mother to them you never had. You would give your kids a beautiful life, one where they’d never have to question whether or not their parents loved them. 

That’s also part of the reason why you married Soobin. He was a good man, he always has been, and he’s proven that he’s an even better father. Soobin became your peace amongst the chaos, your rock. At home, when it’s just the six of you, you’re calm, level headed, and able to think clearly thanks to your husband's guidance that took years for you to adapt to. When you’re here, at home, back in a life you were hardwired to always live, things got a little blurry.

“Do I hear Jin?” Joy glanced to the arched doorway of the kitchen, narrowing her eyes like it would help her hear better. On the opposite side of the house, away from the garage, one would think it’d be impossible to hear the doors open, but like the footsteps around the house, you were conditioned and your ears were trained to hear that sound from a mile away.

“Yeah, he’s back,” you said. Soobin laced his brows together, looking up at you. He didn’t have ears in this house like you. “I’ll go help him.”

Your husband started to stand up, gracefully sliding your daughter into your arms. “She’s about to knock out, I’ll go help him.” Wrapping your arms around Mina, the two year old buried herself in your chest, her arms clinging to the fabric of your sweater. “Baby girl needs her mom,” Soobin whispered, his lips perking up into a small smile. “I’ll have the boys come down too.”

“He’s so good with them, isn’t he, Soobin?” Joy spoke up. Your husband turned to flash your mother a grin. “Taehyun? So good with kids.” “Somebody’s got to be the fun guy, right?” Soobin half laughed, then looked at you with his lips completely flat.

“I talked to him,” you said under your breath, and Soobins eyes narrowed. “Before he took the boys upstairs, we spoke.” Peeking behind him finding Joy invested in Wonwoo, Soobin faced you completely and kissed your cheek.

“It’s going to be okay,” he mumbled, though it sounded more like a question.

Nodding fast, you smiled. “It’s gonna be okay.”

With a gentle squeeze to your shoulder, Soobin left the kitchen, leaving you with your mother and your babies. Taking the seat your husband was just in, you adjusted Mina so she was comfy, and kissed the top of her head. Her forehead was warm and her cheeks were rosy.

“Mom, you have any Tylenol…” Your voice faded as you looked up, finding her staring at you with a studious look. She was focused, eyes pointed at you with an intent you couldn’t seem to read. “What now?”

Joy shook her head, dangly earrings bouncing below her ears. “Just thinking.”

“Uh oh,” you said, and she scoffed. “I’m kidding,” you dipped your chin to apologize, “What’re you thinking about?”

Joy teetered her head side to side, glancing about her thirty thousand dollar kitchen. “I dunno, I’m just so happy to have you and Taehyun here, and your families.”

“Doesn’t seem like it,” you started to frown, and a nervousness settled into your chest, much like how it would when you were a kid and your mother put on her serious face. It was just you and her in the kitchen, there wasn’t a stray Taehyun around to save you.

“No, I am, truly,” she said. “When you both said you’d be here I couldn’t wait to have you both under one roof again, for an entire weekend. You’re both adults, you both are so busy, we haven’t gotten to be a family in a long, long time.” Joy copied your frown, averting her gaze to the table in front of her, then to your baby in her arms. “If I think about it for too long… I wonder if we’ve ever… been a family.”

“Mom,” you sang. She looked up to you and shrugged. “We’ve been a family for such a long time, you know that right? Taehyun and I were twelve when we moved here, that’s… that’s like, holy shit, that’s like twenty years.”

“Twenty years of what?” Joy asked, purely genuine. Her eyes begged yours for help. The nervousness in your chest spread to your stomach, filling your entire being with unease.

“What are you getting at, Joy?” you almost snapped. 

Your mother’s bottom lip crinkled. “You didn’t know he was divorced, you haven’t spoken in two years, what kind of mother have I been? A mother should know this about her kids.”

“Technically he’s not yours,” you joked, hoping she would laugh. She did not.

“He has been for ten years through the law.”

“Yeah, but even then, we were, what? Twenty-two when you and Jin officially got married?”

Joy pressed her lips together, firm. “What do you have against us being a family?” Her voice was quiet, incredibly hushed that not even the baby’s stirred, but her tone was packed full of venom. Eyes going wide, you sat back in the chair and took a shallow breath. For a minute she stared at you. Then, she shook her head and looked down at Wonwoo who dozed off. “Why didn’t you two speak for so long?”

Rolling your eyes you held Mina closer and sighed. You’ve relived the fight you and Taehyun had at his daughter's tenth birthday party so many times, most times with Soobin when it became unbearable to stay in your head. Neither one of your parents cared, until now it seemed, but that’s how it went. Selective parenting, like she was playing make believe.

“I told him…” You weren’t sure how to begin. It might be a whole lot better if you just ripped off the bandaid. “I told him to divorce her.”

Joy's expression went unchanged. “Why would you… How could you even say those words?”

“Mom, do you remember how he used to be? Sure, he looks fantastic now, but two, three years ago? He was miserable!” Your volume had raised, Mina shifted on your lap.

“They were a family.” “She was using him for his money, Mom, come on,” you spat back, feeling your veins fill with fire. “You and this preconceived idea of family. We could all see what she was doing to him, I’m shocked she didn’t force five more fuckin’ kids out of him.”

“He loves those kids.”

Your eyes were ready to roll out of your head, the amount of times they’ve spun already. “Of course he does, he’s a great father. He could have a billion of them and he’d love them all the same. That doesn’t mean he was happy with Sana, though.” Joy’s glare had softened at some point. “I was the only one who cared enough to speak up, to help him realize, wake him up! And it made him hate me.”

Joy nodded, pursing her lips. “Is that the only reason?”

“Yes, Joy, it is,” you said, keeping your eyes locked on hers. Not letting her see through the half lie you forced past your lips.

“Okay,” she said. “But, you guys talked it out.”

“Somewhat.”

A small nod was all she could give you before two bodies strolled into the kitchen, all carrying shopping bags.

“We’re back!” An enthusiastic, young, happy voice filled the air. Turning to the commotion, you gave the young boy who looked back at you a huge smile. Dark hair and round brown eyes, Minho was the spitting image of his father. His smile was a bit like his mothers, smaller and poutier, but the rest of him was straight Taehyun.

Dressing like him too, the eight year old wore black ripped jeans and an oversized grey hoodie with a band you used to know on the front. Converse high tops were laced on his feet and a black beanie covered his head. He looked at you from beneath his bangs that almost covered his eyes. He and Taehyun both needed haircuts.

“Hi, Minho,” you said softly.

The boy gave you a small wave. “Hi. Is that Mina?” He pointed to the baby on your lap, and you frowned.

“It is,” you said. “She’s not feeling good.”

“Don’t let her near me,” a shrill, higher pitched voice said from behind the kitchen island. Shifting your eyes over to the twelve year old in wedged chelsea boots, you flashed her your best smile.

“Don’t worry, Rosie,” you breathed. “It’s just a little cold.”

“Doesn’t matter,” she sneered, walking over to Joy, letting you get a glimpse of what she was wearing for the day. You wanted to gasp in disbelief. “Mom’s taking me to New York City when we leave here, I cannot get sick.”

The twelve year old wore an emerald green silk dress that wrapped around her neck and covered her left arm, leaving the right one exposed to the winter air. The dress stopped above her knees. On her legs she wore shimmering black stockings that went into her, you guessed it right, three inch high black boots that lived at her ankle. Silver bracelets jingled on her right wrist, and diamonds were in her ears. She flashed them to you whenever she swung her shoulder length black hair back and forth.

Rosie leaned against Joy, who wrapped her arm around her back, and looked down at Wonwoo. “Who’s baby?”

Joy laughed, but you wanted to scream.

“Your aunt’s, silly,” Joy said to her. “They had another baby, her and Soobin.”

Rosie was unimpressed. “Do you guys ever stop doing it?” She looked at you with her nose turned up. You could’ve choked on air at her words. If Soobin were in the room he’d be throwing a fit. Joy, no surprise, laughed at her granddaughter.

“Is it a boy or a girl?” Minho asked, stepping closer to you curiously. He went from watching Mina, to watching you, to looking for Wonwoo. Giving him your full attention, turning away from the Sana clone at the other end of the table, you smiled.

“A boy, his name is Wonwoo,” you said. Minho shared your smile and nodded, shoving his hands into the pocket of his hoodie.

“Weird name,” Rosie muttered. “Where’s my dad?”

“Upstairs with Chan and Sunoo, your Uncle Soobin just went looking for them,” Joy said. “Why don’t you go find them and tell them we’re starting dinner.” Rosie groaned, tipping her head backward, and strutted off, boots clacking on the floor with every step.

“I don’t wanna cook. Mom doesn’t make me cook,” her voice faded away as she entered the hall.

Shooting your mother a look she didn’t share with you, you said, “She’s… something.”

“She’s adjusting.” Joy’s whisper was a tad harsh, nicking your skin with a bite.

“Did Mina have to take medicine?” Minho asked, the sweet boy thankfully taking your attention. “My dad makes me drink this gross stuff when I have a cold.” The boy climbed into the chair next to you and watched his sleeping cousin.

“She didn’t yet, I wasn’t sure she’d need any, but now I’m thinking that she does. What gross stuff does he make you drink?” Crinkling your nose, you made him giggle.

“It’s orange, and it says it tastes like honey, but I don’t think it does,” Minho made a face and shook his head. “He calls it-”

“Bee Juice,” you said.

“Yeah!” Minho’s face lit up. “How did you know that?”

“We used to drink that when we were sick,” you said, your smile growing as you watched him settle in to listen to your story. “This one time, we were around Rosies’ age, I was really sick, and I refused to take any kind of medicine to help me feel better. Your dad tried to help me, and he was making all these funny jokes about it. There’s bees on the bottle right?” Minho nodded. “He called it Bee Juice, and for some reason that made me take it, and it made it taste good.”

“That’s funny,” Minho said. “Mina needs Bee Juice. I know my dad has some, he brought it with him.”

Your smile faltered. “He did?”

“Yeah, he says he keeps it just in case. Do you want me to tell him Mina needs it?”

“No, Minho, that’s okay,” you said. “I can ask him later.”

“Ask him now,” Joy said, gesturing to the doorway.

The kitchen filled with shouts, laughter and life. Taehyun barreled through the doorway with Sunoo on his back and three shopping bags in his hands. Chan hurried beside him, holding a quarter gallon of milk in his hands.

“We’ve got it,” Sunoo announced to the room, acquiring a round of laughter. “No one worry.”

Soobin trailed behind him, chatting with Jin who had Rosie attached to his side. Both adults had bags in their hands as well, lifting them onto the island Taehyun sat Sunoo on. Deep in conversation, probably something about work, Jin still made a move to hug you tight as best as he could without disturbing Mina, then went back to Soobin, helping him unload some of the plastic bags.

Rosie wandered to the table with her nose now in a cell phone that had a clear hot pink case with a polaroid photo shoved in the back of some celebrity she probably loved. Her glossed lips were pulled into a frown as she tapped away at the screen furiously.

After sliding the milk onto the counter carefully, Chan came to your side and peeked over your arm to check on his sister. “She is asleep?”

“She is,” you said softly. “Were you worried about her?”

Chan nodded. “She will be okay for Santa, right?”

“Santa!?” Rosie roared from her seat.

You shut her down quickly with a glare, not caring if Sana heard about it, then turned to your son. “She’ll be okay, love, I promise.”

“Okay, mom,” Chan said.

“Did you see Minho? Did you say hi?”

Chan looked to his right and smiled something small, feeling shy beside an unfamiliar face. The last time they saw each other Minho was six, and the twins were three. Minho probably remembered them, but your boys were just becoming aware of their own arms at the time, you weren’t sure they’d remember.

“Are you Chan or Sunoo?” Minho asked, looking between the twin in front of him and the twin crawling on top of the counter in front of his own father.

Chan almost gasped and put his hands on his hips. A smirk found your lips. Drama queen incoming. “I am Chan,” the five year old said loud and clear. “That is Sunoo,” he pointed to his brother. “You can tell us a part, my favorite color is blue, and Sunoo’s favorite color is red.”

Minho laughed, looking to you for a second. “You guys look exactly alike.”

“We are twins!” Chan exclaimed, tossing his arms out to the side. “This is my sister Mina, and that is my brother Wonwoo, he is new.”

“That’s my sister, Rose,” Minho nodded to his sister who didn’t bother to look up. “We call her Rosie.”

“Rosie,” Chan whispered as if he was mentally logging her name.

“She’s mean,” Minho admitted, and Chan gasped. You held yours back, waiting for him to say more.

“Why is she mean?” Chan’s eyebrows dropped low.

Minho shrugged. “She just is. Don’t talk to her.”

Leaning toward the two boys, you whispered, “I second that. Don’t talk to her.” Chan smiled, and Minho laughed, seeming surprised. Winking at him, he tried to give one back, the two of you solidifying some sort of alliance in this moment, though your aversion stemmed from your resentment for Sana.

“Minnie!” Taehyun shouted, rounding the kitchen counters to hurry over to his son. Throwing his arms around the boy's shoulders, he squeezed him tight and shook his side to side, pressing kisses to his cheek. His boy laughed, trying to shy away from him, but it was clear that he loved it. “Were you good for your grandpa?”

“Yeah,” Minho said, looking up at Taehyun.

“‘Course you were,” he grinned, then glanced to his daughter. “Rosie?”

“Hm?” She didn’t take her eyes off her phone screen. Taehyun didn’t lose his smile. He didn’t have to for you to see the disappointment within him.

“Were you good for Grandpa Jin?” he asked her.

Rosie glared at her father, holding eye contact for a few seconds. She didn’t say a word, and she didn’t need to. When she focused back down on her phone, Minho, still in Taehyun’s arms, looked at you.

“See? Mean,” he said.

Taehyun clicked his tongue. “Don’t talk about your sister like that. One day she could be all you have.” Your cheeks flushed as he glanced to you. Pressing a kiss to his son's head, he stood up and attended to your son calling his name from the kitchen counter.

“I’m coming! I’m coming!” His silvery hair bounced as he rushed. Gathering Sunoo in his arms he twirled once and set him on the ground. Your five year olds giggle sounded through the kitchen, standing out amongst the other chatter. 

Joy had left her seat, and Wonwoo was in Soobin’s arms now, still snoozing. This ambiance was the same as the one from home, that little boy could sleep through it all. Your husband rocked the baby while he bounced his knees, still deep in conversation with Jin. Those two have gotten along since the very first day Soobin showed up at the front door.

Putting away groceries, Joy had acquired Taehyun’s help, who had recruited Sunoo. The little one puttered around and did his absolute best to follow directions. Chan was asking Minho questions, ones you couldn’t make out over the noise, and Rosie was unbothered, tapping away at her phone.

On your lap Mina moved, her rosy cheeks looking up to find you. A soft, “Mama,” escaped her, and you both pouted.

“I’m so sorry, honey,” you whispered, kissing her head gently. “We brought you here when you don’t feel well, that’s so unfair.” Across the kitchen you caught Soobin’s eye, your husband leaning against the counter. When you met his gaze he gave you a sympathetic smile. Pushing your chair back, you let Chan know where you were going as he turned to look at you, and laughed as he climbed into the vacant chair at lightning speed. Minho grabbed the bottom of it and pulled it closer to him, the two chatting away.

“Those two were fast friends,” Soobin said when you reached his side, nodding at your son and his cousin. Jin joined Joy, Taehyun and Sunoo in the unloading of the groceries and the prep for dinner. Looking back at the kids, Minho had his phone out now and was showing Chan something that had him giggling. “Should I go see what they’re looking at?”

“No,” you said a little too fast for Soobin’s liking. Flashing him a soft gaze, you smiled. “They both tell us everything, you know that. Besides, Chan’s a rule follower. I guarantee you he’ll have parental locks on both those kids’ phones by the end of this weekend.”

Soobin chuckled, shaking his head. “Our kids aren’t getting phones till they're thirty.”

“Agreed,” you said. “I find it a little crazy Minho has one at eight.”

Soobin hummed, then said, “I mean it makes sense.”

“How?” you scoffed.

“Their parents are divorced,” he nearly mumbled, shooting you a look.

You squeezed your eyes shut for a second. “Right. Joy was just blaming me for ruining their lives, how could I forget.”

Though your sarcasm was evident, Soobin’s eyes went wild. “What are you talking about?”

“Rosie’s attitude, toward everyone apparently,” you began, scanning the kitchen. “I’m sure somethings going on with Minho, Taehyun may not be as well as I thought he was, and it’s all my fault, all of it. I told her what I said to him.”

Something of a groan came from Soobins chest. “None of it is your fault, don’t let her do that to you.” His hardened, protective glare was coming out. It made you smile. “He made his choice, he did that to his family. And as for Rosie?” He widened his eyes. “Full blame is on Sana. I feel like she’s here.”

“Hang on! I left it upstairs, gimme a minute, I’ll be right back,” Taehyuns voice echoed to his family as he rushed by you and Soobin into the hall. 

Watching him fly by, you turned to Soobin and said, “Minho told me Taehyun’s got cough medicine.”

“Oh?” Soobin raised a brow.

“Mhm,” you gritted your teeth and widened your eyes. “I’m gonna go see if Mina can take it, and try to find out why he has it.”

Soobin took a breath, appearing like he wanted to tell you not to do it. “For Mina.”

“Yes, for Mina,” you repeated. Your husband tucked his bottom lip between his teeth and nodded slowly. “Soobin,” your tone was flat.

“I’ll have a drink ready for you when you come back, what do you want?” he asked, expertly switching the subject. 

A small smile popped onto your lips, one Soobin returned. “Just a glass of water, please.”

“Of course,” he nodded.

Down the hall and up the stairs you used to run up and down as a teenager, you stared at the stretch of a corridor that had two doors on either side, two bedrooms, and a pushed back bathroom to your right on the other side of the railing. Many, many, many feet across from you was the other staircase that wound down to the first floor near the kitchen. They opened up to the living room where a fireplace and the giant TV lived, right by a little hallway that took you to a sliding glass door and spacious backyard.

The floor was wooden, like the stairs. A deep, chestnut color that matched every door in this place. There wasn’t a single window in the hall, but there was a long one in the bathroom next to the shower, and both bedrooms had three. Your bedroom was to the left. Taehyuns was to the right. Outside of your door sat most of your bags from downstairs, all of them brought up for you. Taking your time toward them in the quiet air, you let your gaze fawn over every mark on the wall, every scuff, every memory that was crammed into every inch of this second floor. It was a lot cleaner now that no one occupied this space. 

Jin and Joy’s bedroom was on the first floor, they rarely had a reason to come up here.

The door to the bathroom was cracked open, the tile on the floor lit up by the sun peeking through the window curtain, illuminating the shadows of a past you seemed to be longing for.

Adjusting Mina on your front, you cradled her head and sighed. This little one was a reminder that your life had turned for the better, that the past was in the past, and that it was something you needed to leave behind, though here in this quiet hall it seemed impossible. You used to laugh until your stomach hurt, the sleepless nights up here were endless. Sneaking your friends in through Taehyun’s window, hiding bottles of drinks you shouldn’t have underneath your bed so your parents wouldn’t find them, getting so stupidly under the influence that led to hookups, and more hookups.

You were young, you were stupid, you were having fun. You weren’t knee deep in diapers, playing peek-a-boo, or worried about bills. Life was exciting, and you were as light as a feather, letting life take you where it wanted to, which most times was through the door Taehyun stepped out of now. Startling each other, you gasped, then let out a soft laugh. He had a phone in his hand and a small smile on his face.

“I didn’t even hear you come up here,” he said, taking a step toward you.

“Guess I still know how to be sneaky,” you smirked. He was enamored by it for all of two seconds, then his smile dropped as he cleared his throat. “Wait, no, I didn’t mean-“

“I know,” he nodded, then attempted another smile. It was quiet for a moment before he said, “Strange up here now.”

“Definitely,” you sighed. Taehyun peeked at his phone that vibrated twice, then looked back up at you.

“I, uh, brought up your stuff,” he gestured to your bags, “You have a lot of shit.” You both laughed.

“I have four kids,” you raised your eyebrows. “My shit has a lot of shit.”

Taehyun flashed his grin. You ignored the cartwheel in your stomach. “Congratulations, by the way,” he said. “He’s beautiful. Wonwoo.”

“Thank you,” you smiled, proud. “He was a perfect little surprise.”

“Joy told me,” he said, nodding his head. 

Your eyes narrowed. “When?”

“This past summer,” his volume dropped. “We celebrated Rosie’s birthday here.”

Your heart sunk to your knees. Shaking your head, you held back a sigh. “We were here this summer, right before Wonwoo was born, I knew nothing about it.”

Taehyun shrugged. “Yeah, well…”

“You have to go past me to come here,” you said, adjusting Mina on your front once more. “Jin or Joy didn’t even tell us?!”

“I told them not to,” he admitted.

Sucking in a sharp breath, you straighten out your back and tighten your jaw.

“Are you really surprised?” Taehyun asked. “We hadn’t seen each other in forever.” He took two more steps toward you, shoving his phone in his back pocket. “The last time we spoke, you were yelling in my face.”

“I distinctly remember you yelling in my face,” you said just above a whisper, taking a step toward him. The anger you used to feel when this topic came up bubbled to the surface, simmering beneath your skin. “I just wanted to talk to you.”

“You always want to talk to me,” he said. The two of you had a foot of space between you now, and you could tell you shared the rage you were feeling inside. “It took me a while to realize that you don’t know this, but when people break up they don’t do this.”

Jaw clenched, eyes as wide as the moon, you shook your head. “Do what.”

Taehyun tipped his head back and huffed a laugh, looking elsewhere for a second. “This. Talk to each other, stay involved, unless…”

“Unless what?” your voice trembled, a mere whisper.

Darting his tongue out between his lips, he swallowed hard, and muttered, “Unless they still love each other.”

“That bullshit doesn’t apply here,” you said quickly, and quietly. “This is different, we are different.”

Taehyun lowered his chin. “We are fucked up.”

Taking a long, deep breath, you took a step away from him and spun in a slow circle, collecting your thoughts and your composure.  “Friends, we said we can be friends.” Facing him, his eyes were solemn.

“Yeah, and be honest with me now that shock of seeing each other is gone,” he said. “You really think we can do that?”

A piece of you needed to make it work. Standing up here in this hallway now with him, coming to the full realization that he used to be the only stable thing in your life, you needed to make it work. He was your best friend, your other half, your partner in crime. Home, he was home.

“I said it downstairs, we can work for it,” you said. “I want you in my life, Taehyun. I need you in my life. We’re… family. I want my kids to know you, I want our kids to grow up together. Life feels right when we’re in a good place, when there isn’t so much space between us.”

“And what happens when that space gets too small?” Taehyun was a rock, eyes locked on yours as you spoke.

“It won’t,” you exhaled heavily, letting your knees give a bit. “We can-”

“It will,” Taehyun cut you off, closing the space between you completely. “It always does. It happened six years ago, it will happen again.” His tone was rough, but it didn’t correlate with the way he was gazing down at you. “Maybe you can pretend that we can try to be friends. But… I got a divorce ‘cause a girl I love helped me realize I was killing myself. And she was the only one who cared. For twenty years… you’re the only one who cared. You still are, and it hurts like hell.”

“Taehyun…”

“I told you I didn’t wanna go here,” he snickered, shaking his head. “Stupid of me to think that we could avoid it.” He stepped away from you, heading towards the staircase behind you. The loss of his warmth in front of you was disappointing. Turning around, cradling your daughter, you stopped him dead in his tracks.

“Bee Juice,” you said. He peered over his shoulder with one hand on the railing.

“What?”

“Bee Juice,” you nodded. “Mina’s sick, I didn’t bring anything with me. Do you think Joy has something?” Taehyuns eyes drew up and down your body, ending on the little one latched to your front.

“Um, I dunno,” he said. “I might? Minho was sick a little while ago when he was with Sana, lemme see if I brought anything with me.” When he walked by you he didn’t bother to look at you. Walking straight into his old bedroom, he left the door ajar. Unsure whether or not it was an invitation to follow him, you took a few timid steps into the doorway and felt every joint in your body tighten at the sight of his walls.

Posters, polaroid pictures and flags covered the dark grey paint, the artwork spilling onto the ceiling as well. His king sized bed was shoved into the far left corner, with what looked like a hundred pillows tossed onto the top. The comforter was still black, and fluffy. Your fingers can feel the softness without having to touch it.

A nightstand that once was messy and littered with life, was clean and housed a stack of three books he’d read religiously throughout the year, every year, and a lamp without a shade. There was a drawer on it that was all banged up, and you wondered if it was still full of things it shouldn’t be full of. Plenty of late nights were spent rummaging through the drawer in the dark, the light of the moon guiding you both through your bad decisions.

The dressers on the opposite wall were the same, and the walk in closet still had mirrors for doors. It was as if the years had been preserved, and this was a time capsule of beautiful mistakes you were sentenced for life to remember.

Taehyun rummaged through a suitcase at the end of his bed. He side eyed you as you walked in the door. You didn’t dare take a step closer to him or offer him help, because low and behold, he found what he was looking for, and more. As he pulled the orange bottle of Dayquil out of his bag, a small, round black bottle, one that photographers used for film, rolled out onto the floor and rattled loud. You both looked at it, then you looked at him before he grew the balls to look up too. 

“Taehyun.”

“I don’t take them,” he muttered, looking up with only his eyes. “It’s been years, I swear. Even this,” he held up the bottle of cough medicine, “Nothing.”

Bee Juice was two words you weren’t expecting to hear this weekend. They were two words you hadn’t heard in a long, long time. In fact, the last time you even said them was probably in here in his room, with two other friends who’d join in on figuring out how much of the shit you can drink before you make yourselves sick. It was the type of high you’d never want to experience ever again. Just the thought of it turned your stomach. Taehyun was the only one to stick with it out of the four of you, the rest of you turned to other things, other drugs, or simply drinking, but he’d put that garbage in anything and everything.

Knowing he had the bottle on him made you nervous. Throughout his marriage you knew he wasn’t completely sober, he’d never grown out of that part of his life, he’d use it to cope. With how his marriage began, he was a child having a child, he became incredibly dependent on both bottles that came out of his bag.

“Why do you have it all with you?” you asked softly, hoping he’d talk it out.

Picking the bottle of pills off the floor he tossed them back into his suitcase and rubbed his forehead, his nervous eyes glancing to you a couple of times. “I don’t… I can’t explain it.”

“Try,” you said, taking a step toward him.

“I guess I just… I feel better, knowing it’s here, yanno?” Raking a hand through his hair exposing his forehead, he shrugged. “I don’t take any of it, but it’s here.” He faced you. “I’ve been sober for over a year, since I decided to leave her. I haven’t taken anything, I haven’t had a drink, I haven’t smoked anything.”

“I’m sober too,” you nodded, and watched as relief flooded his being. “It would be… six years.” Taehyun furrowed his brow. “But, it’s two, almost three.” 

After a gulp Taehyun asked, “Don’t tell me… After we…”

“Yup,” you popped the ‘p’ and shot him a sarcastic smile. “It was just a… bottle, maybe.” Taehyun shook his head. “And, yanno, the more I think about it, it should really be nine years, but…”

“Six years ago we were getting fucked up at Beomgyu’s,” he said. One of the old friends you shared. He was at Rosie’s tenth birthday two years ago, but you hadn’t seen him since. The other friend was Yeonjun. He’s been off the grid since you were twenty-one. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

He shrugged again. “All of that was my fault.”

Scoffing, you walked further into his bedroom. “Taehyun, it was my choice to do it. You didn’t put the drugs in me.”

“Sometimes I did.”

“Yeah,” you sighed. “‘Cause I told you to.” Approaching his side slowly, you took the bottle from him and retreated a couple steps. “I’m gonna believe you, but only because you look good, Tae.”

“Thanks, Baby,” he whispered with a smirk.

“If Soobin hears you say that he’ll lose his mind,” you warned.

Throwing his hands out to the side, Taehyun audibly expressed his frustration. “That’s been your name since we were fifteen!”

“Yeah, when we started sleeping in the same bed,” you widened your eyes. Holding up the bottle, you thanked him and sulked into the hall, pausing to process… all of that.

You could hear him zipping up the suitcase, putting it back where he’d found it. Walking across the hall, wanting to avoid him when he left his bedroom, you open your door and quickly shut it behind you, propping yourself up against the wood with a breath. Bare, sage green walls glared at you from all angles. In the center of the room underneath one of the three windows was your bed, also king sized, with four different knitted blankets thrown on top joined by matching pillows. The mattress wasn’t nearly as crowded as Taehyun’s.

Two redwood nightstands were on either side of the bed, both empty. The two dressers on the opposite wall were empty as well, except for the picture frames sitting on top. Three photos. One of you, Taehyun, Yeonjun and Beomgyu at a park across town at some ungodly hour of the morning. The second was you and Taehyun, seventeen years old, with your cheeks squeezed together and your eyes crossed with your lips squished all silly. The third was you and your mother when you were just five years old, the same age as your boys. They may have learned to copy Soobins pout, but those boys were all you, and this photo was proof.

Your room was eerie compared to Taehyun’s, his for some reason had life, while yours was completely still and quiet. Laying Mina down on your bed where you used to sleep, you kiss her cheek and kneel down on the floor beside her, putting the Dayquil on the nightstand. Your two year old lifted her head and whined, holding out her arms for you.

“I’m gonna help you, Meens,” you whispered, unscrewing the top of the bottle. The smell smacked you in the face, almost making you gag. Gripping the bottle with one hand, you went to pour a little bit into the lid, but froze as the alarms went off in your brain. “What the hell,” you sighed, turning the bottle around to read it. “I can’t give you this. What am I doing?” 

Mina found her thumb, shoving it in her mouth, her eyes fluttering shut.

Bringing the bottle to your nose, your eyes watered, and a chill ran down your spine. For a brief second you’re reminded of what it was like… How it used to be. How you’d walk by your parents totally fried, and they’d have no idea. The euphoria was so intense some nights all you could do was lay on Taehyun’s floor with your head in his lap while he and your friends listened to music you could barely make out.

You can feel his fingers running through your hair as your eyes shut, body vibrating at a frequency unknown to most, leaving you with nothing to do then hold onto him for some sort of stability. If you started to come down, when the rest of them were ready for more, you’d let Taehyun hold beneath your chin, coercing your lips apart to give you more to drink, sometimes from between his own lips.

Enchanted by the scent, lost in the memories, you didn’t even hear the bedroom door creak open.

“Babe?” Soobins voice bounced off the judgey walls. Jumping a mile, you whipped yourself around and fell onto your bottom on the floor. With half a smile on his face, you found your husband standing in the doorway holding up a box of children's Tylenol in his hand.

Catching a glimpse of the Dayquil, he took a breath and shut the door behind him, joining you at your side on the floor, tucking his long legs under him. Capping the bottle, you immediately handed it to him.

“Did you give her any of this?” he asked, making sure you were keeping your eyes on him. His tone wasn’t derogatory, but it was strict.

“No, I was just reading the label,” you said. “She can’t have it.”

Soobins nod was slow, and careful. “You know she can’t have this,” he said. “I realized what you had said after you walked away, that’s why I searched for this.” He gave the box a shake. “Jin found it in the back of their medicine cabinet.”

“Good,” you said, taking the Tylenol from him, getting the box open, taking out the bottle and the syringe it came with. “Little Miss needs it.”

Soobin glanced from the bottle in his hand, then to you. “Did you, uh… You didn’t take any of this did you?” His voice was soft, not the slightest bit accusatory.

“No.” Taking out the appropriate amount of medicine for Mina, you avoided Soobins eyes and tended to your daughter. Maneuvering the little ones thumb out of her mouth, and the syringe into it, she screwed her face up and tried to cry. “Oh, it’s gross, I know.”

Soobin put his elbows on the bed and grabbed Mina’s feet, playing with them to distract her. “She’s going to sleep for forever,” he said, then smiled as his daughter noted his presence in the room. “Hi, sweetie, you’re doing so good.” Calm in seconds, Mina focused on her father and swallowed the medicine, throwing her thumb back in her mouth as soon as she was finished. 

“See?” you sneered. “A brat for me, an angel for you.” Thrusting the bottle back in the box, you accidentally tossed it onto Soobins lap. “Our kids hate me.”

“First of all,” Soobin eyed you, laying the box on the bed after he picked it up reluctantly. “She’s sick. She’s going to be a brat, she doesn’t know how to act. Second of all, our kids don’t hate you.” Studying you, you could tell he couldn’t place whether or not your behavior was purely satirical. 

“They don’t listen to me,” you whispered. “They listen to you. I’m there to give them what they need, but they look up to you. You can handle them no matter what decibel they’re at. I can’t.”

After a glance to Mina who had dozed off, Soobin reached for one of your hands. “Where is this coming from?” 

A shrug of your shoulders wasn’t enough to appease him.

“Talk to me.” His voice dropped a couple octaves. Another shrug.

“I just…” Vaguely gesturing around your room, you weren’t sure how to put it into words. How were you supposed to tell your husband that the ghosts of your past plastered in these walls haunted you to your very core?

What were you supposed to tell him? That a piece of you was still yearning to live the life you thought you were supposed to live? That you loved the boy across the hall, but you were both destined to live confined to the chains your mother loved to call family. That if nine years ago, Taehyun hadn’t dropped a lit match on top of your relationship doused in kerosene, everything would be perfect.

“Listen,” Soobin started softly, as if he read your inner turmoil on your forehead. “I know this is hard. I know it’s a lot. You’re doing a great job, being here, dealing with them all. You and Taehyun, you’re speaking, that’s what we wanted.”

“Soob, we’ve said so much,” you whispered, feeling your eyes well up with tears. “And I feel like it hasn’t been enough.”

“Sweetie, I don’t know if it’ll ever be enough.” Dragging his thumb over the back of your hand, Soobin bit his lip. “You guys have years, upon years, and a history so deep I don’t think you and I will ever share.”

“Don’t say that,” you cried, sniffling, crawling into his arms. Sitting in his lap, he wrapped his arms around your middle and placed his chin on your head. “I’m sorry, Soobin.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he said, still somehow level headed as ever. “I knew exactly what I was getting into when I asked that sleepless, hungover girl out on a date. Walking home with Beomgyu? From…”

“Oh god,” you groaned. “His brother's house.” 

“Mm,” Soobin hummed, the memory a happy one for him, clearly. “You were beautiful. I always thought you were. Smudged mascara and all.” He got you to laugh, and for him that was all he needed. “I knew who you were, I knew what you did, I knew who you did, even though everyone else thought it was just Beomgyu.”

You picked your head up, eyebrows as low as they could be. “That is not when you knew.”

Soobin wiped a finger under one of your eyes, fixing the smudged mascara he apparently loved so much. “That is when I knew,” he nodded, letting a finger drag over your lips. “You get this… look in your eye when you see him. Still do.”

“I love you.” His smile grew from your whisper. 

“I know,” he crooned. “I love you, too. So much. And so do our kids.” Pausing to nibble his lip like he was, he bobbed his head and whispered, “Work through what you’ve got to work through this weekend, but don’t make me look like an idiot.”

“Again,” you added, sensing he wanted to tack the word on to the end of his lament. 

Six years ago, amidst what you called your gap year with Soobin, when the two of you took a break to cool off, to see if this was what you both wanted for yourselves. Soobin wanted to get married. You didn’t feel quite ready yet. Soobin knew where your head was stuck, so he unofficially set you free to sort out your thoughts.

It wasn’t a break up, the two of you didn’t part ways completely, but part of you wishes you had so you could’ve avoided the heartbreak surrounding Soobin when you told him what you ran back to, and where you had been. That winter was fuzzy, one you couldn’t piece together if it weren’t for Soobin’s ingenious memory. A few months later you were engaged, and pregnant, and married a month or so after that. You understood Soobin’s heart and his love for you and your family, but deciding to marry you was one thing he did that you couldn’t understand why.

“I wasn’t even going that far,” Soobin smirked. “But, thanks for letting me know I don’t have to worry about that.”

“You don’t,” you said. “I just want us in a good, decent place where we won’t want to rip each other's heads off. We get under each other's skin too easily.”

Soobin took a deep breath and turned his attention to his sleeping daughter. Her hand had slipped out of her mouth and was laying on her belly, her lips parted with steady breaths.

“K-O,” he joked, kissing your forehead. “Shall we go make sure Wreck It Ralph and Fix It Felix are okay downstairs?” 

A smile pricked your lips. “You talkin’ ‘bout our boys, or Joy and Jin?”

Dinner was ready by six. Taehyun’s kids set the table while your twins followed them around carrying the dishes for them, carefully. Joy had no issue handing your five year olds two stacks of her finest, pure white ceramic dishes with the silverware thrown on top.

Once you and Soobin rejoined the chaos, you found Taehyun had beaten you to the kitchen. While the family hustled around the tile, cooking, putting dishes together, pouring drinks, he didn’t spare you glance. He was attentive to his children and his nephews, getting his hands on Wonwoo once to pass him to Jin so Joy could assist Rosie with her cranberry juice in a wine glass. You and Soobin met eyes and held in a laugh. When Sunoo asked if he could have a fancy glass as well, Soobin placed the boy's metallic blue tumbler full of milk in his hands and told him to find his seat at the table.

A long stretch of pine by the windows on the back end of the kitchen, the table was decorated beautifully already, but with the added pizazz of the dishes, candles and steaming food, you had to admit that Joy outdid herself for another year in a row. The warmth from the oven radiated around the room, wrapping your family in a cozy haze, keeping you snug by the frosted glass of the wide paneled windows. The snow hadn’t let up yet, and the kids were giddy.

Jin took his place at the head of the table, Joy beside him and Rosie across from her. Minho hopped into the seat next to his sister, leaving a seat available for you where Sunoo refused to sit. Chan quickly swiped it from you, wanting to spend more time with his cousin, which meant you got to sit on the end, across from Taehyun.

Soobin found himself next to Joy, Sunoo wanting to sit between his father and his uncle. The grown men couldn’t refuse his offer. Noticing who you were across from, Soobin shot you a soft smile and a mere nod of his head. Truthfully, after four kids the two of you didn’t get to sit next to each other anymore anywhere. The highchair at the other end of the table next to you could attest to that. Mina, feeling a bit more up for food now that she’d taken the medicine, was already reaching for the steamed buttery carrots that sat in front of her.

“Good job everybody,” Joy beamed. “Eat, please, eat.”

“Don’t gotta tell me twice!” Minho was smug, diving into one of the bowls nearby. Laughter rolled through the room, and everyone followed suit, filling their plates. It didn’t take long for ample chatter to fill the air, mostly the kids asking questions about Christmas and talking about school or the snow. 

“But, I asked for a Playstation,” Minho said between bites, glancing at Chan. “Do you know what that is?” Your big eyed boy watched him in awe, shaking his head. “I’ll show you. I have almost every version, at least of the new ones. Some of them are so old.”

“You don’t have every version, Minnie,” Taehyun chuckled, sitting back in his chair, folding his arms across his broad chest. At the other end of the table Rosie was chatting away with her grandparents, Soobin listening in without presenting his judgment on his face.

“Yes I do, Dad,” Minho’s eyebrows shot into the sky. “Heeseung found me a PS One on eBay! He bought it for me weeks ago, it’s so cool.” Plopping a small scoop of sweet potatoes onto Mina’s plate, you glance at Taehyun who rolled his eyes.

“Oh,” he said, forcing a smile onto his face. “Well, I had no idea.” Chan asked Minho about the Playstation, the two boys were excited and curious. Taehyun drug his glare over toward you and blew a raspberry on his lips. It made Mina giggle.

“Heeseung?” Raising your brow, you smiled when he leaned over to your girl and blew another one, making her laugh even harder.

Taehyun sat back, satisfied his audience was entertained. “Yeah, Heeseung,” he said under his breath. Arms still folded, he shrugged. “Sana’s boyfriend.”

If you had anything in your mouth you would’ve choked, and nearly did on air. “When did that happen?” Dropping your tone to a whisper, you tried your best to keep this conversation between the two of you, unsure of how aware Joy and Jin were of the situation.

“Well, let’s see,” his entire demeanor dropped, a glint of something heavy flashing in his eyes. “They worked together for a few years-” “Sana worked?”

Taehyun smirked. “Focus please.”

“Sorry,” you breathed a laugh, tending to your daughter who whined for her drink.

“They were working together, they both did that buying shit, yanno?” Taehyun started to talk with his hands, waving one around to piece the story together. You both ignored your boys as they informed him he used a bad word. “He was one of her closest work friends, he would be at our house from time to time to hang out, he came to all the kids birthday parties-”

“Oh my god, the stone faced babe with the nose,” you gasped, placing your chin in your hand.

Taehyun waited for you to finish. You felt your cheeks flush after realizing you had cut him off again.

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear you say that,” he smiled. “Yes, him.”

“I thought he was gay.” You both spoke at once, breaking into crass laughter that triggered the table to look your way.

Joy, chewing away behind a promising grin, with bright eyes said, “See? I knew you two would be fine.”

Jin, focused on his plate, frowned. “Were we not fine?” Looking down to the other end of the table, you and Taehyun sat up straight like you’d been caught. Taehyun’s father waited for an answer, shifting his gaze between his wife and his family. “What’d I miss?”

Soobin lowered his chin and leaned into Sunoo, whispering something to him about his dinner. The five year old pouted, waving away the meat on his plate. Pressing a kiss to his son's head, Soobin took it off his plate and put it on his own.

“You didn’t miss anything,” Taehyun brushed the matter off, picking up his fork to shovel food into his mouth, hoping that’d get you two out of the hot seat. Your mother snickered, using the cloth napkin that was at every setting to wipe the corners of her mouth.

“You two are funny,” she said. Soobins eyes flickered up toward you, then quickly shot back to his son. Rosie was leaning forward, her elbows on the table, enthralled with what was about to ensue. A drama lover, just like her mother. “My love,” Joy said, turning to her husband. “They weren’t speaking for two years. I had just found out today, when the Choi’s arrived.”

“The Choi’s,” you scoffed, shaking your head. Leave it to her to address your family like you were all foreign visitors. “Mom, we can let it go. It’s not a big deal.”

“The hell it isn’t!?” Joy dropped her fork.

“Bad word!” Chan and Sunoo looked to Soobin for help, but all he could do was shake his head and quiet them down.

“Joy, really,” Taehyun added weight to his words.

“Joy this, Mom that,” she appeared ready to leap out of her chair. “Look at us! All of us here. A family.” 

You snuck a glance at Taehyun who had his eyes glued to Joy. He seemed like he was sinking backward into his chair, hoping it would crumble or somehow swallow him whole, anything to get him out of this room. 

“This is how it should be. Always.” Joy whipped her head toward the two of you. “You’re both so far away, I’m grateful we were able to spend this weekend together, aren’t you?” Nods of everyone's heads was enough to encourage her to go on. “I miss this, I miss you both being here, running around upstairs. Hearing you laugh, hearing you talk to each other… It feels like it was.”

Jin reached for his wife’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “We feel whole having you all here.” He made it a point to look at each of you. With another glance to Taehyun you watched him roll his eyes.

“To find out about you not talking, not seeing each other… That hurt,” Joy wore the apparent pain on her face. It made you want to laugh. “You were best friends. Every waking moment was spent together, I can’t imagine anything that would break that up.”

Swapping a glance now, Taehyun finally looking at you, you shared a deep breath.

“What would they do together?” Rosie asked, chiming in to take the attention. Joy and Jin laughed.

“Oh, they’d do everything, Rosie,” Jin smiled. “They went everywhere together, they had the same friends. You know the cabinet full of movies we keep underneath the television?” The twelve year old nodded. “It’s theirs, they collected those together and would watch them all the time.”

“We would wake up some mornings and they’d be fast asleep on the couches together,” Joy smiled at Jin, then turned to her granddaughter. “They would spend weekends in the living room with their friends if they were too bored to stay upstairs.”

Jin laughed to himself, shooting a finger in the air. “I can remember getting up for work one morning, and there were four of them knocked out at the kitchen table. Back when we had the booth seat that wrapped around the circular table?”

“Yes!” Joy clapped her hands together, like the memory was near and dear to heart, like it didn’t have you cringing and wishing they’d both shut up. “I still have that picture! They had to be around nineteen,” Joy looked at Rosie, “Our house was clearly the cool house.”

Taehyun forced air through his lips and shook his head, and you’d agree if you weren’t paralyzed in place. Thankfully your boys were occupied between Soobin and Minho, not letting any of these memories sink in.

Our house was clearly the cool house.

You wanted to scream back in her face that her house was the house with little to no supervision, and that was why you and your friends would come here to get shitfaced again and again. Her cool house taught you how to mix drinks before you were of legal age, pummeling you headfirst into blurry years you can hardly put together. Their cool house and their happy memories of you two asleep in the living room after a night of movies you’d hardly watch, the two of them completely unaware that you and Taehyun would be-

“Oh!” Joy exclaimed, knocking you from your spiraling thoughts. Her earrings swung vigorously at her ears as she bounced around, excited.

“Oh!” Mina copied her. The room was buzzing with energy, Taehyun’s kids wound up from listening to these stories, and your children messing with the food on their plates. Soobin and Taehyun were stiff, as were you, pointed gazes beckoning Joy to shut the fuck up.

“Videos!” Joy cheered, slamming her hands onto the wood edge of the table. She looked up and down the table. “We have videos,” she said, pointing to you and Taehyun, “Of you two!” Turning to Jin she gripped his wrist and shook it around. “We’ll do that thing on the TV, connect your phone to it.” Taehyun shot you a look, brows slightly concerned. Joy’s body whirled back around. “How fun to show the kids! Oh, I’ve always wanted to be this kind of family during the holidays.”

Rosie beamed with Joy, smiling wider than you’ve ever seen. She truly was a beautiful little girl underneath her wanna-be old attitude. “They did this on Fuller House at Christmas.”

Joy's hands clapped together once more, her expression falling smug. “Oh my god,” she said, looking straight at you. “We’re gonna be a Full House family.”

Stomach churning, worried about what was in those videos that probably haven’t been looked at… ever, you sat back in your chair as Joy and Rosie fell into a discussion over the difference between Full House and Fuller House. Chan asked Minho about the band on his hoodie, and Soobin listened to Sunoo talk about Fuller House too, the five year old pretending as if he knew what that was.

Watching them all move on, even Taehyun who helped Minho out with the pronunciation of the band he wore, you crossed your arms and gulped. How developed were five year old brains? Were they about to witness footage of you in your early twenties that would permanently alter how they saw their mother? Would there be something within the videos that was supposed to stay hidden, or in the past? What would it do to Soobin, to watch you at your worst, his wife, the mother of his children?

Underneath the table something tapped your ankle. Glancing to Chan, who probably kicked you, you found the boy sitting on his feet, facing his cousin. Something tapped your ankle again, then two feet encased it, pulling it away from you. Shooting a look at Taehyun, he was focused on his son. No one was paying attention, so you took a peek.

It was Taehyun, his legs quickly wrapping around your own, his smile growing as you looked back up at him. His focus was on his son thankfully, he wouldn’t get to watch your eyes bug out of your head.

“They started in the eighties technically,” Taehyun said to the boys, shamelessly rubbing his legs on yours. “Grohl didn’t join until the nineties.”

“Who is Grohl?” Chan asked, eyes narrowed and focused. Taehyun shifted his legs, crossing one over the other, his foot nudging your thigh shamelessly. “Dave Grohl,” he smiled. “He played the drums for Nirvana. He had long hair down to here,” Taehyun gestured at the length below his shoulders, “And he was so cool.” His foot traveled further up your thigh, you fought away the chill that ran down your spine.

“Wait, he was on your wall upstairs,” Chan said.

“He sure is,” Taehyun nodded. “They all are.”

Chan leaned over the table, little elbows holding him up. “Uncle Taehyun, you're so cool, too. Like Grohl.”

Taehyun flashed his grin, looking at you for a few seconds. “Yeah, I am.”

“On those videos we’ll get to see how cool he really was, right Dad?” Minho was smiling, looking from his cousin to his father, who hadn’t stopped looking at you. His gaze shifted to something of slight concern, both of you knowing what the other was thinking.

Taehyun gave his son a slight shrug. “Maybe we will.” He shot Minho a smile, and when the two cousins started to eat and talk amongst one another, the smile fell and the grip he had around your leg loosened.

“I don’t wanna watch ‘em either,” you mumbled. Taehyun shook his head, a miniscule moment only for you to see before he sighed. And it wasn’t brought up again.

“Cell phones are for big kids.”

Chan wasn’t impressed. Tiny fingers pressing into the marble of the kitchen counter, dangling backward on his heels, the five year old whined and whined. Drying the last dish that Soobin handed to you over his shoulder, he shot a look to his son, one that whipped him into shape.

“You can play with Minho’s for now, okay?” Giving him a smile, you placed the dish in a cabinet and tossed the towel onto the counter by the sink. The little one murmured his agreement, hurrying off to follow the other kids' shouts.

Soobin, after folding the towel you threw, slid his arms around your shoulders from behind, pressing a kiss to your neck, one that sent a chill down your spine. Grabbing onto his hands you peered toward him and smirked.

“Let’s skip the movies,” you whispered in the empty kitchen.

Soobin’s grin widened. “Oh, no, I think I want to see this.” With a groan you spun around in his arms, his hands falling to your waist. Cupping his cheeks, you pouted.

“Trust me, you don’t.”

“Darling, I know,” his tone was soft, gentle. “I already know what to expect. After everything, don’t you think if I had a problem I wouldn’t be standing here?”

Averting your gaze to the floor, you shrugged. “I just don’t know what’s gonna be on them, that’s all. I never really remember them having cameras around.”

Soobin took a finger to your chin, tipping it upward for him to kiss the tip of your nose. “It’s okay. Surely if it was anything too bad Jin or Joy wouldn’t show it. Or, they would’ve said something to you by now.”

“Joy’s been acting weirder than usual,” you said, dragging your thumbs along your husband's cheeks. “She’s always inappropriate, and has no filter, but… I dunno. What if watching this stuff makes her realize her daughter was fucked up almost everyday of her life since, like, high school. What if they caught us doing the dr-”

Feet scurrying in the hall stole your attention, both you and Soobin turning to the doorway in record time.

“Who was that?” You breathed. Soobins grip tightened around your waist. Shooting him a look, a wide eyed, worried look, he returned an unknowing one back. “Shit,” you sighed.

“Bad word,” Soobin whispered. For a few seconds neither of you moved, and then it was all too funny, both of you breaking out into giggles that echoed in the empty air. “Let’s go find some seats, if the little’s didn't take them all. I’ll grab the baby, I’ll meet you there.”

Wonwoo, snug in his carseat, had been snoozing on and off throughout dinner. Soobin tucked his arm beneath the handle and hoisted the carrier up, following you into the living room through an archway that was halfway down the hall toward the opposite staircase.

Inside the glorious room with the giant screen, expensive sound system and cozy grey, velvety couches, the boys had all piled up on the loveseat, the twins on either side of Minho. All three of them had kicked off their shoes, the two pairs of dress shoes flung sporadically amongst Minho’s sneakers.  Rosie was in the armchair that matched the other furniture, her legs crossed delicately while she tapped away at her phone screen. 

A large couch lay between the loveseat and the chair, a couch you had spent many nights on. Out of all rooms to redecorate and change again and again, you really had hopes that Joy would’ve chosen this one. The deep bluish-grey of the walls that reflected the furniture had your stomach rolling. While warm and cozy to others, this room made your blood run cold.

A square glass coffee table was in the center of the room. A vase of Christmas flowers spilled out on top of it, and books and magazines circled the sparkling vase. Crystalized, glass coasters were strategically placed over the top, with matching glasses at the bar behind the sitting area. You didn’t even need to look, you could tell exactly where each bottle of liquor lived. It never changed. For twenty years, it’s been the same. You did glance toward it as you walked in the room, and Soobin took note.

Jin and Joy stood by the television, mumbling to one another, trying to figure out how to connect their phones to the screen. The point of Joy's heels dug into the plushness of the rug beneath her feet that extended throughout the room, all the way to the bar. On her tush, staring up at her grandparents working, sat Mina. She was barefoot as well, teetering around in her socks. When she caught wind you had walked into the room she whined and started to crawl toward you.

“No walkin’, huh?” Soobin laughed from behind you as you scooped her up into your arms. “Medicine must be wearing off,” you said, kissing her cheek. Weaving around the furniture you chose to sit on the edge of the couch, letting Soobin plop down beside you, setting Wonwoo on the floor next to his feet. The infant had just opened his eyes, blinking a few times at his father.

“Hey, Soobin,” Jin began, turning around. He didn’t look up from his phone. “Think you can help me figure this out? I thought I knew how…”

“Of course,” your husband smiled, on his feet in an instant. 

Wonwoo’s face scrunched up like it would before he would cry, and sure enough, he started to cry. Mina expressed her shock on her face, looking at you, then her baby brother. “Baby cry,” she said, pointing toward him. Shifting Mina to the side, you sat her down on the couch cushion she was nearly swallowed up by, then reached forward for Wonwoo.

“Get him, Mama,” Mina said quietly. The two year old was always intrigued when it came to the baby. Curious as ever, her attentive eyes studied you as you carefully placed him in your hands and lifted him out of the carseat, kissing his cheek before cradling him in your arms.

“Shut it up,” Rosie groaned from somewhere in the room you didn’t care to acknowledge, but could feel the heat in Soobin’s eyes as he shot her a glare.

Mina leaned over your arms, holding onto your bicep with all of her might, watching you bounce Wonwoo to calm him down. Her pink cheeks and glassy eyes were full of adoration. “Shhh, baby. Shhh.” Wonwoo sucked in a deep breath, quieting down at the sound of his sister's voice.

“Good job, Meens,” you gasped, smiling at her. “Say it again, tell him he’s okay.”

A wail about to escape the infant was stolen by his sister's caring words. “S’okay, baby. Shhh.” As the crying came to an end, Mina gasped and looked to you for approval. Putting one of your arms around her, you tucked her into your side and kissed her head. “Best big sister,” you said.

“Boooring,” Rosie sang. Looking over at her, she was looking back at you. Her phone was on her lap, and her chin was in her hand. For a second she appeared as her mother, sharp eyes, pursed lips and pointed cheekbones. Since she was born it was hard to believe Taehyun had a part in her procreation. For years you had a quiet, delusional, but harmless joke that Sana made Rose herself to trap Taehyun with her. Anything to ease the pain from the night you found out about her. Milliseconds away from opening your mouth, unsure of what to say to the twelve year old you used to blame for ruining your life, her father hustling into the living room took the heat off of you.

“Did I miss it?” Breathless, he glanced about the room. Finding that nothing had even happened yet, he sighed and trudged his way across the carpet.

“Daddy!” Rosie shouted, throwing her arms into the air. Taehyun beamed, a light pouring out of his heart like it was the first time the child had ever said the word. It made you wonder how often she showed him love. This was the first time today you’ve seen her give him any sort of attention.

Taehyun, holding his own arms out, rushed for his daughter and caught her in his arms as she leapt out of the chair and fell into them. She squeezed him tight, pressing her cheek into his chest with her eyes shut.  The smile on his face made your heart flutter. Holding his firstborn, his little girl, the one who stole his heart the second she was born… The only one he’d love more than any other girl who walked into his life. It made you smile, truly. When Taehyun was with his kids, he was happy. And whenever you witnessed moments like this, it healed something broken within yourself.

Sure, that little girl he held and sat down on his lap in the oversized armchair wrecked everything between you two twelve years ago. No, he didn’t care that it wrecked everything you and him once shared. But, he was happy. And you’d do anything, give up anything, to see him happy. Even if it meant watching him walk away after you begged him not go through with fathering the spawn of Satan.

“Here we go!” Jin cheered as the television flashed and the scene of two kitchen remodel’s ago popped up on the screen. The boys' necks snapped to the TV, excitement buzzing off of them as they bounced around to get even more comfortable. Chan had an arm wrapped around Minho’s. “Okay everybody! Thanks to my amazing son-in-law,” Soobin smirked and shook his head as he hurried to sit down beside you, Mina getting squished between your bodies, “We get to see some home movies.” The kids erupted in cheers. Well, the boy's couch did. Rosie just nibbled one of her nails.

“Oh, I am SO ready,” Joy shook her shoulders. “I’ll get the lights, everyone has a seat?” Your mother scrambled for a remote on top of the shelf below the television, clicking it toward the ceiling to shut off the lights built into the top of the room. “If we’re lucky maybe we’ll get to see some of you guys as babies!” She gestured to all the kids as she worked her way through the room to sit on the other side of Soobin, Jin joining her soon after with his phone in hand.

The boys whispered quiet things to one another, and Rosie said something to Taehyun. Soobin gave you a sideways smile, slipping an arm around your back, over your shoulders.

And the clips, shuffled throughout the years, began.

~ august 18th, 2010 ~

Windows open in the house, a refreshing summer breeze flowing through the white curtains that hung to the floor, everything was perfect. Absolutely perfect. The sun had set about an hour ago, leaving everything washed in a deep orange haze that would linger for another twenty minutes.

Dressed in soft checkered high waisted shorts with a white cropped tee on top, one that you stole from Taehyun and cut in half, your bare feet slammed on the wood of the second floor as you darted from your bedroom toward the stairs to the kitchen. Laughter flooded the air, coming out of you, straight from your heart. Gripping the railing, you’re seconds away from leaping down to the dual level landing, but skinny arms wrap around your waist, yanking you backward, lifting you in the air. Screeching, you curl your knees into your chest and accept defeat, throwing your head backward onto his shoulder.

“Lemme go!” Your cackles were meaningless, and he wouldn’t listen anyway. Stumbling backward into one of the walls you’re certain his elbow almost went through, he laughed and put you down on your feet, making sure you didn’t fall over. “Gyu is here!”

“I don-care,” Taehyun breathed, whirling you around in his arms to press you against the wall, caging you in with his hands planted on the drywall. His smile was wide, bright, and blurry. “How dare you leave m’like this.” Glancing down between the two of you, you followed his eyes and almost snorted, throwing your head back again, this time against the wall.

Heart pounding in your chest, skin ablaze with warmth, veins pumping, extremely intoxicated (both of you), you throw your arms around his shoulders and grip his neck, clawing with your nails, gently. Taehyun sucked a harsh breath between his teeth and let his forehead fall onto yours, his smile still evident on his glistening lips as your hands traveled down his body, over his t-shirt, slipping within the waistband of his sweats where he was bare, wearing nothing beneath them.

“Slut,” you muttered within the shared air, making both of you laugh.

“Mm, mhm, hang on,” he mumbled, sliding a hand beneath your shirt, purposely dragging his fingers lightly up your side to tickle you before he grabs a handful of one of your breasts, where you were bare, wearing nothing beneath the fabric. His smile fell into a smirk when he watched you gasp. “Slut,” he whispered, tone incredulously harsh.

“Stop, Gyu’s here,” you said within a deep breath, feeling your knees buckle.

Taehyun’s brows plummeted. “You know he don’t care. Once he takes what we got he’ll be on another planet, won’t even be able to tell if you’re on top or if he’s takin’ you from the back-”

“M-my moms here.” Your hushed tone and blushed cheeks had his ego blooming with utmost power, and you knew it too. 

“Um,” he chuckled. “Never stopped us before, Baby.”

“You two up there?” Joy’s voice carried up the stairs, making the two of you leap a part, taking your hands back to yourselves. “Beomgyu is here!”

Taehyun looked you up and down, licked his lips and shook his head. “We’ll be right down!” 

With a deep breath you glanced down to his sweats, where he was still hard, eager for you. Shooting him a quick wink, he groaned from his chest, letting out a laugh after you whispered, “Slut,” and hurried down the stairs.

Balancing once your feet hit the floor, you reared to the side and almost knocked into a wall full of pictures, but a pair of strong hands caught your shoulders before you went down. Looking up at the boy almost a foot taller than you, his shoulder length, shaggy dark hair made you grin. Skin pale and cheeks rosy, Beomgyu was stunning, and pure boy, from his smile to his lanky, defined build.

“Start without me?” he grumbled, smoothing out your hair. “Where’s the loser?”

“I can hear you!” Taehyun shouted from upstairs, getting a giggle out of you.

Beomgyu shot you a lazy smile and shook his head. “You guys are so stupid.”

“I’m hungry, actu-lly,” you whispered, leaning into him on your tiptoes, throwing your arms around his shoulders to hug him. 

Beomgyu laughed, wrapping an arm around your back, pressing his hand into your bare skin. Turning around so he could guide you into the kitchen, from over your shoulder he spots Joy, at the counter messing with a new iPhone, holding it up toward the two of you.

Standing on the top of Beomgyu’s shoes, letting him waltz you around the kitchen, you hear your mother laugh and tip your head backward, noticing she was filming you and Beomgyu.

“Mommy!” you shouted into the air, laughing like crazy.

“Oh, you guys are so cute,” Joy smiled, laughing with you, making sure the camera was catching everything. “Where’s Taehyun? He finally let you two spend some time alone?”

Scrunching your face up in disgust, you stood up straight to face Beomgyu, finding him making the same exact face. Laughter corrupted you, going completely limp in his arms. 

Footsteps pounded down the stairs, and Taehyun appeared through the archway, his hair pushed back, his skin alive with what looked like a gleam of sweat. Rushing toward you and Beomgyu, Taehyun grabbed a fistful of his friend's hair and yanked his head back, clamping his teeth on the base of his neck, making the boy yelp. Watching Taehyun as he parted from him, the indentation left on his skin turned your stomach, made you want to drag your tongue over the marks.

“Gyu’s mine, Joy,” Taehyun teased, releasing him. He jabbed a finger into your side, laughing as you shrieked, then approached Joy, putting his face up in the camera. “How do I look? Good, probably.” He winked at the camera and laughed, looking up at Joy who giggled behind the phone.

Adjusting your arms around Beomgyu’s shoulders, you hike your legs up his side and wrap them around his waist, going full koala on his front. He let out a gasp and caught you, his hands gripping the underside of your thighs, fingers digging into your skin as you nuzzled your face into his neck.

“You’re gonna get in trouble,” he whispered to you, still laughing, the camera catching none of his words.

“Um!” You half shouted, taking the attention. “What if Gyu is MINE!”

Meeting Taehyun’s eyes you could see the jealousy that immediately pooled within them. You knew he had to keep his cool in front of Joy, and her camera. Normally you wouldn’t be pulling stunts like this, but you were high. You were high and needy for him, you couldn’t let this opportunity go.

“Uh oh, Taehyun, you’ve got competition,” Joy played right along, fueling the intoxicated fire.

“You have three seconds,” Taehyun said, his hardened glare hitting you right where you wanted it to. “One…” Laying your head on Beomgyu’s shoulder, you hummed and smiled, letting your eyes close.

“Two!” 

Beomgyu bounced you in his arms, laughing, trying to get you to move, but you wouldn’t budge.

“What happens on three!” Joy was ecstatic, beaming behind her phone, her eyes darting between all three of you.

“Yeah, what happens on three,” you teased, shooting Taehyun the calmest smile you could possibly conjure.

“Wouldn’t you love to find out,” he gritted his teeth. “Three!”

A scream came out of you as Taehyun darted toward you and Beomgyu, his arms grabbing your waist, pulling you off of your friend. Beomgyu stumbled back, ready to catch you both if you fell over, his laughter bouncing through the air along with your own. Taehyun put you on your feet, spun you around, then crouched down and threw you over his shoulder.

“Tae!” Reaching your arms out to Beomgyu, you kicked your feet and almost kicked him in the face. “Gyu, help me,” you giggled.

Taehyun turned to him and shot him a wicked grin. “Let’s go.” Looking at Joy, and her camera, he winked again. “See ya, Joy.”

“Bye,” Joy smiled. “Good luck, Beomgyu.” The boy gave her his charming smile, and followed you and Taehyun upstairs, out of the sight of the camera, and your mother.

“What happened on three?” Minho inquired, looking out amongst the group as the video ended.

Unbelievable that was the first video to play. You can vaguely recall what had happened before you walked into the kitchen attached to Beomgyu, and you can barely put anything together as to what happened after. 

You have no idea what happened on three. Taehyun had no idea what happened on three, you were sure of it. After he ran up the stairs with you hanging over his shoulder like a helpless ragdoll, you’re pretty sure the three of you drank until you passed out in your bed. Waking up, you can remember having an arm thrown over Beomgyu’s bare waist where he laid on his back with his arms over his head, upside down on the covers. Taehyun was the only one laying properly, fully clothed, his legs tangled with your own.

“How old were you guys?” Rosie asked, smiling at her father.

“Nineteen,” Taehyun said quietly, his focus on the TV.

Joy and Jin were swiping through the phone, too occupied to pay attention to anything anyone was saying.

“How did you pick up my mom like that?” Sunoo asked Taehyun, eyes wide. His uncle gave him a soft smile.

“I’m pretty strong,” he shrugged.

“Uncle Beomgyu was cute,” Rosie giggled, nibbling on one of her fingernails. Taehyun simply laughed and shook his head. The twelve year old turned to look at you, and you stiffened beneath her curious gaze. “You guys were dating?”

“No,” you answered fast. A little too fast. “He was one of my best friends, one of… our best friends.” Taehyun got the courage to look at you, both of you sharing the smallest, most innocent look just as Joy clicked play on the next video.

~ june 3rd, 2012 ~

 The sun beating down on your bare back was anything but comforting. Standing in your backyard with a crystal champagne glass in your hand on the edge of the commotion, you eyed the guests waltzing about in their dress clothes with a grimace.

Atop the balcony of the porch, pink streamers and pink balloons hung down, keeping the place on theme. Pink plates, pink tablecloths, pink cutlery, pink candy, pink napkins, pink, pink, pink… You were sick of it. All the pink.

Women and men, most you didn’t even know, all paraded around with smiles and witty comments of grace for you and your family and the beautiful home that you have.

Oh, it’s just glorious isn’t it?

Yes, thank you my mother knows how to spend that man's money, that’s for certain. 

He hee! 

Ha ha!

It meant nothing. This whole event, it meant nothing. It felt like some sort of glorified apology. 

We’re so sorry my son knocked up your daughter, here, have a disgustingly expensive baby shower, on us!

Downing the rest of your glass, you placed it on the tray of a waiter who came close to you and took two full ones off of it. Knocking back one of them real quick, you returned it to where it came from and decided to nurse the other.

Messing with one of the thin straps of your dress that dug into your shoulder, a floor length floral thing that Joy picked out for you a couple weeks ago, you groaned and cracked your neck, rubbing the muscle with a sigh. Across the party you spot your mother doting on the guest of honor, Sana, wearing a baby pink strapless gown. Her black hair was pinned up in a bun with a pink ribbon tied around it. 

She was glowing, and you hated it.

Her belly was round as ever, almost one month away from popping. It was the only thing on her to change throughout this pregnancy, not that you were keeping track. She kept her slender figure, her smooth skin, her bright eyes, her luxurious hair… It was wretched. Maybe she was just nineteen, and that was it. You couldn’t believe your family, or hers, was allowing any of this to happen.

Jin hovered around her with his camera, making sure he captured every detail about this momentous day, this memorable occasion. His first grandchild, a baby girl that you knew he would love no matter where she came from. He and Joy were either in shock, or they truly were the ditzy idiots they made themselves out to be.

You didn’t think you’d be able to drink enough champagne to make it through.

Pressing your glossed lips to the rim of your glass, you let the drink spill into you, finishing it quick, actively pursuing another. Hurrying into the house, slamming the sliding door shut, the mouth watering smell of food and baked goods hit you, drawing you toward the kitchen. Heels clicking on the floor, you walked as fast as the torture devices could take you until you were kicking them off, picking them up by the strap, letting them dangle between two fingers. Stepping into the doorway of the kitchen, completely new and redone, everything a sparkling shade of blue, you find, like, eleven women standing around talking with their noses in the air. You didn’t know a soul.

Spinning around on your toes, desperate for an escape, you rushed into the living room where some of the guys were hiding out with a couple of random kids. Beelining for the bar in the back of the room, you drop your heels on top of it, push by two guys standing nearby and bring yourself behind it. Grabbing onto the neck of a tequila bottle, you acquire a shot glass from one of the shelves and fill it up to the top. It went down with ease, you were already filling it up for a second when a hand took the bottle from you, letting some of the alcohol spill onto the bartop.

“Alright,” Beomgyu said, holding the tequila hostage, watching you take the second shot. His gaze lingered on your lips, even after you ran your tongue over them. Once you slammed the glass on the counter and audibly expressed your relief with a happy sigh, he narrowed his eyes. “Do you want me to take you somewhere else? You know Jungkook said you could stay at his house while… this happened.”

Wiping your mouth with the back of your hand, your lipgloss smearing across the skin, you rolled your eyes. “Your brother doesn’t care that much.”

Beomgyu nodded profusely. “Yes, he does. You know he does.”

“Stupid, it’s stupid,” you muttered, reaching for the bottle he held away from you. “Lemme have it.”

“If you’re gonna get plastered, that’s stupid,” Beomgyu said. “It won’t make him talk to you.”

A guttural laugh escaped you. “You think I want him to talk to me?!”

The boy with long, shaggy hair that framed his face spectacularly softened his eyes. “Let me take you to Jungkook’s, please.” He planted both hands on the bar, leaving the tequila unattended.

Leaning forward, placing your elbows on the counter, you pretended to debate his offer, then snagged the bottle back instead, taking a swig straight from the bottle. Beomgyu sighed, heavily, then circled the bar to stand beside you. He reached up for his own glass and stole the bottle from you, filling both the shot glasses.

“Not gonna let you do it alone,” he said, handing you your little glass. Holding his in the air, you clinked them together and took the shot, smiling with Beomgyu. “Besides… he’s high, anyway.”

Tilting your head side to side, you laughed. “He’s always high.”

Beomgyu refilled the glasses and watched you knock it back. Picking his up, he studied it, then studied you. Big, beautiful brown eyes took you in, swallowed you whole. “I’m sorry,” he said.

You brushed it off with a shrug. “Sorry for what, Gyu.”

He gulped, shaking his head slightly before he took his shot, placing it down with a knock on the bar. “All of this,” he gestured around at all of the pink. Beomgyu never discussed what went on between you and Taehyun. Ever. It was rare. “I just… I’m sorry.”

Taking a deep breath, you wallowed in his sorrow for a moment. “He’s stupid,” you muttered, looking down at the shot glasses, messing with them to keep your hands busy. Feeling a buzz already, you couldn’t stop the words from coming out, or the tears. “Gyu, why did he do this?”

A heavy breath fell from his lips as he lifted a hand to brush away a tear. “I dunno.”

“I mean, she… she came out of nowhere, and then this happens?!” you waved your arms around, Beomgyu nodding along, encouraging you to keep going. “She’s a kid, he’s a kid, we’re… We’re kids. He’s throwing the rest of his life away, doesn’t he know that?! Sana’s a total bitch, what the hell does he see in her anyway!?”

“You got me there,” he said, pouring two more shots, one he took fast.

“I mean, like, do you see it? What’s the appeal? Do you think she’s hot?” Taking your shot you missed the way he totally checked you out.

“He totally downgraded,” he mumbled, pouring two more shots.

“Please,” you snickered, following suit, drinking the alcohol. A hiccup came out of you, one that made Beomgyu laugh. “Sana’s gorgeous and you know it.”

“Yeah, but she’s not you,” he said, perking a brow. You took a step closer to him, laying an arm on his shoulder, hooking it around his neck.

Narrowing your eyes, you smirked. “You just mean he won’t share her.” 

Beomgyu’s eyes flickered to your lips, his tongue darting out between his. “I’m gonna miss this.” 

“Just ‘cause he and I are done doesn’t mean we have to be,” you whispered, and he shook his head.

“You’re his,” he said. “Always have been, always will be. I don’t wanna get Yeonjun’d, I’ll keep my distance.”

Digging your fingers into his shoulder, you took one last long, good look at him. And he did the same to you. The alcohol held your heart together for the moment, but you knew once it wore off you’d be falling head first into the most debilitating heartbreak you’ve ever felt. No one had a clue what was supposed to happen after this day was over. 

“You’re still my friend, Gyu.”

He raised a hand and placed it on top of yours, giving it a decent squeeze. “Always have been, always will be.”

Raising yourself on your tiptoes, you pressed your lips to his cheek and gave him a swift kiss before you stumbled back out to the backyard, making sure to grab the bottle of tequila first. People were still swarming, how long were baby showers supposed to be? Doing your best to stand up straight, you wandered across the patio without being noticed by a soul, and planted yourself in a seat underneath the shade of the balcony.

Twisting the top off of the bottle you took a long swig, falling back against the cushion with a giggle as you swallowed. You watched eagerly as girls who were clearly friends of Sana, dressed in tight dresses and high strappy heels, talked with one another and sipped on their champagne delicately, showing off their accessories and touching up their makeup as they spoke. They took tiny bites of their food and judged others around them with their eyes, you could feel it.

Another drink from the bottle. You were finally at the point where it felt like nothing mattered. Jin was still parading around with his phone, catching footage of people saying kind words to the baby and the mom to be. Overhearing most of it, it made you laugh, acquiring a judgemental glare from one of Sana’s minions. Not one person had a word to say about Taehyun. It was all Sana, Sana, Sana, and baby, baby, baby.

“Stupid,” you mumbled, sinking down on the cushion.

You were so focused on the others you didn’t recognize the body that approached you, snatching the tequila from you, dropping your heels on your lap. Jumping, startled as they hit your thighs, you sprung up and nearly toppled forward. 

“Hey!” you shouted, looking up at the blurry figure. His dark hair and black button down made you laugh, loud. “No fucking way.”

“Shut up,” he muttered. “Pull yourself together.”

Gasping, you pressed a hand to your chest. “Pull myself together? Last I heard you were poppin’ molly at your own baby shower.” Taehyun groaned, crouching down to level with you. “Yanno, Gyu said this wouldn’t make you talk to me, who’s gonna tell him that he was wrong?”

“Tell him yourself,” Taehyun nodded to Beomgyu walking along the edge of the patio, Sana’s group of friends shamelessly checking him out. He pretended not to see them. It was laughable.

“GYU!” you shouted, catching his attention. He already knew, he sent you the smallest smile. Sana’s friends glared at you again. “He doesn’t want any of you, don’t even try,” you waved towards them, turning back to Taehyun who had buried his head in his hand.

“Baby, please,” he whispered.

“Baby?” you scoffed. “Your girlfriend over there is the one with the baby, Tae. Did you already forget? I know it happened so fast, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Stop,” he spoke through his teeth, looking up at you with a vengeance. “Please, stop. Don’t make this worse than it already is.”

Catching you off guard, you slid back down in the chair and furrowed your brows. “What are you talking about?”

Taehyun, tired, intoxicated, wobbly on his feet, shook his head and sighed. “I dunno what I’m doing,” he said under his breath.

Lifting a hand, you poked his nose. “Then… you shouldn’t have done it.”

He shot to his feet, glaring down at you. Your body reacted, reaching up for him.

“No,” you whispered. “Come back.”

Taehyun scanned the backyard. “No,” he said, taking one more look at you before joining Sana and her parents where they were sitting with Jin and Joy.

A tear slipped down your cheek, you think. Taehyun smiled, or pretended to smile, while he spoke to her parents. He looked like he was saying nice things to Sana, probably asking her if she was alright, showering her with attention. Attention that used to be yours. It was attention he was allowed to give her in front of these people. That attention was never allowed to be yours. It wasn’t ever meant for you. It will never belong to you. It will never, ever be yours.

You were definitely crying now, alone on the porch in the corner while your family and the guests enjoyed this beautiful day and this beautiful celebration. There was another life coming into the world, a life that was half of the boy you loved, a life he decided to have with someone else. It felt like death. It all felt like hell, a burning, god awful hell.

“Come on,” Beomgyu said to you. Turning toward him, all you could do was reach your arms up for him to take, pulling you to your feet, letting your shoes topple to the floor. “We’re going to my brothers.”

“But, they-”

He brought you into the house. “He told me to take you to my brothers.” Facing you, he wiped away your tears and frowned. “You’re too pretty to cry, stop it.” The hallway you were in was quiet, secluded. Sucking in a deep breath, you gazed at him and pouted. 

“You can’t drive, you-”

“Jungkook’s outside,” he breathed.

Nodding, you slowly wrapped your arms around his shoulders and held him close, giving him a real hug, heart to heart. “I love you, Gyu,” you mumbled into his neck.

The boy sighed, and held you tighter. “I love you, too.”

“No way, I was in Mom’s belly!” Rosie almost leapt off of Taehyun’s lap. The entire video came from Jin, he documented the entire day, the entire shower, every gorgeous detail that you now were able to appreciate. A hole in your heart remained, but it was so long ago now that the cut didn’t burn as deep.

Joy shared her excitement with Rosie, and Minho chimed in with some questions, asking who different people were that only his father and grandparents were able to answer.

You thanked the good lord, or whoever was up there, that you were barely in any of the shots. You remembered that day very differently than everyone else. Soobin even whispered to you how insufferable the day must’ve been, and that he was glad you weren’t together yet, or else he would’ve had to put up with that shit. And yes, he said shit.

“You were with Uncle Beomgyu again,” Rosie said to you, twisting on her fathers lap completely.

Glancing at Soobin who focused his eyes on the baby in your arms, you took a breath and looked at your niece. “Yeah, I was.”

Rosie’s face screwed up, confused. “I thought you guys didn’t date.”

“We didn’t,” you shook your head, tone going a bit stern.

The girl grilled you with her eyes. “Sure seems like you did.”

The room fell into a quiet chatter while Joy and Jin searched for another video. Your boys were talking to Minho, asking him questions about his mom that was just in the video, and Rosie whispered things to Taehyun you were dying to hear.

Soobin, as if he could feel your blood beginning to boil, leaned over and kissed your cheek. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” you whispered, avoiding his gaze. “Just wasn’t expecting to have to dodge him either.”

Soobin watched you for a few seconds more, then bobbed his head.

Beomgyu hung around Taehyun more than he hung around with you. He showed up to Taehyun’s kids birthdays, not yours. Beomgyu accepted offers to stay at Taehyun’s for long weekends, or to watch sports games, or to go to concerts, or to just simply hang out in his basement. And Beomgyu reciprocated the invites. You never got a single one.

“Think this hurts more than it should,” you whispered, looking at your husband. Soobin, energy doing a complete one eighty, turned to your parents.

“How many more you guys got?” he asked with persistence. “My baby’s need to get to bed. Wonwoo’s on a schedule.”

Joy shoved Soobin by his shoulder and clicked her tongue. “Strict Soobin, come on.” Soobin smiled. He didn’t mind being the bad guy when it came to you. “Let us just watch one more, and I swear we’ll be done. We’re all having so much fun though, aren’t we?” The boys agreed with her, as did Rosie. Taehyun was silent, and so were you.

“One more,” Soobin said.

~ april 1st, 2009 ~

“Ready!?” Taehyun shouted to the crowd around your kitchen counter, standing in the dark, the only light coming from the candles shoved into the cake in front of you. “Here we go!” Thirty people, or more, sang Happy Birthday to you in the most obnoxious way possible, led by Taehyun himself. Friends, family from both sides, neighbors… Everyone was gathered to sing to you, to celebrate you. Though the lights were shaped like stars and the song was distorted in your ears, you were having the time of your life. Taehyun to your left, Beomgyu to your right, and Yeonjun hovering behind you, you had everything you could ever need, it made you want to cry. As the singing came to an end, you squeezed your eyes shut and blew out your candles, basking in the cheers that followed.

“She’s eighteen!” Your boys shouted, holding you in some way, jumping up and down with you in their arms.

The lights flickered on and the cake was whisked away. Your vision was truly tunneling, all you could see were the boys in front of you, congratulating you. Taehyun hugged you first, holding you tight. The one day he could without it being considered weird. Yeonjun was next, slipping his arms around your waist, bending you in half as you laughed and clung to his shoulders. Turning to Beomgyu, you reached for his cheeks and gave them a squeeze, getting a laugh out of him. He grabbed your hands and yanked you toward him, hugging you tight, pressing one of his cheeks to your own.

“Happy Birthday,” he whispered to you. “Taehyun says when the party starts.” Pulling away, you stumbled backward and bit your bottom lip. Beomgyu was smug, but he was subtle. His attention immediately shifted when he watched your cheeks turn pink.

“Hey,” Yeonjun said, grabbing your wrist, pulling you out into the hallway. The pretty boy got you alone, his black hair parted in the center, hanging over his forehead almost brushed against your own. “I have something for you, but I can’t give it to you right now.”

Your eyes focused on his lips. His full, plump, beautiful lips you’d always been dying to kiss, only while under the influence. “Okay,” you whispered, blinking up at him mindlessly.

“It’ll make you feel even better than this,” he smirked, placing a hand on the wall above your shoulder. “I promise.” 

“Really?” you sighed, falling under his charm. Yeonjun grinned, taking his other hand to your cheek, dragging his fingers over your warm skin.

“Really,” he said, his tone turning sultry. “Taehyun got this for you, right?”

Blinking twice, slowly, you nodded even slower. “Yeah,” you breathed. “Took it hours ago… Dunno what it is, Junie.”

Yeonjun’s expression turned serious. “Oh, no, honey, that’s not too safe is it?”

He began to shake his head, and you followed along. “No,” you whispered.

“No,” he lowered his brows. “It’s not. I can tell you exactly what I got you, it’ll-”

“C’mon, Baby,” Taehyun said, abruptly pulling you away from Yeonjun. The boy tumbled back and shot Taehyun a glare. “We’re outta here. Yeonjun you gotta go.”

Taehyun wrapped an arm around your shoulders, keeping you close under his. With Beomgyu close behind, Taehyun had you in a brisk walk, headed for the front door. “Wait, hold on, Tae,” you said, trying to turn back around.

“No, keep walking,” Taehyun muttered.

“Where the fuck are you guys going?” Yeonjun called after you, throwing his arms out to the side. Taehyun turned toward him for only a moment more.

“Somewhere without you,” he narrowed his eyes. “Till you stop being a shady piece of shit.”

Yeonjun placed his hands on his hips, his gaze shifting between Taehyun and Beomgyu. “You two are the ones being shady pieces of shit, like what even is this?” He gestured toward you. “It’s her party and you’re leaving? And I’m not going with?”

“Why’s he not coming with?” you parroted his words, but Beomgyu shut you up with a glare. “Oh, right.”

Yeonjun clapped his hands together and laughed sarcastically. “Shady shit! You guys suck.” He made it to the front door first. “Happy Birthday,” he said to you, reaching in his pocket, tossing a small bag of powder by your feet. Beomgyu was quick in picking it up and pocketing it, making sure no adult had rounded the corner. By the time the three of you looked back at the door, Yeonjun was gone.

“Did he touch you?” Taehyun asked, his eyes burning into yours. A shake of your head didn’t appease him. “Words, Baby.”

“No,” you said, trying to swallow, but your mouth was suddenly really, really dry. “I need water.” Your voice was hushed.

Taehyun cringed. “Ah, shit, right,” he mumbled, then looked up at Beomgyu. “Jungkook wanna make a pitstop on the way to your house?” Both boys started you for the door once again, your feet almost stumbling over the other.

“Am I supposed to feel more… more dizzy?” you laughed. Beomgyu and Taehyun shared a look, laughing with you.

“We gotta catch up,” Taehyun whispered. You could barely see the boys around you as they spoke, you only heard their voices that were as beautiful and as soothing as a lullaby. “I wanna feel what she’s feeling.”

Beomgyu wrapped an arm around you, helping Taehyun get you out the door. “I wanna feel what she’s feeling while feeling her.” 

You managed to swat a hand at his chest. “Gyu,” you sang. The front door shut behind you, and it was just the three of you on the porch. Grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, you pulled him toward you and pressed your lips to his, feeling like you had no control over anything you were doing. He kissed you back, it was a rough, wet mess. You were just slipping your tongue between his lips when a hand grabbed your hair and pulled you back.

Stumbling into Taehyun's chest, you giggled and spun around, throwing your arms around his shoulders, letting your lips meet more gentle than they did with Beomgyu’s. Taehyuns kiss was careful, and sweet, and full of feeling, and, and…

“Who was that lady with the white hair?” Minho called out as the video ended on a scene of family lounging around the living room.

“That’s your Great-Aunt Jennie,” Jin said to the boy, smiling at him. “That was my favorite one,” he glanced at his wife, “Full of people I haven’t seen in ages.” Joy placed a hand to his thigh and gave it a squeeze. Great-Aunt Jennie passed away two years ago.

Mina had climbed onto Soobins lap at some point during that last one, where your brain was trailing off elsewhere. Your family was watching scenes of your family, but you were on the front porch, getting in the car with Beomgyu’s older brother, driving to their house to spend two nights in a row there. The three of you missed two days of school that week, of your senior year.

“I think I’m all videoed out,” you said a bit too loud, standing to your feet, heading out into the hallway without a look back. With Wonwoo in your arms you took it upon yourself to head upstairs and put the baby in the bassinet you brought with you after changing and nursing him.

Keeping your mind clear, blocking out every and any thought you were having, you got changed yourself, throwing on one of Soobin’s t-shirts and a pair of flowing sweatpants. You didn’t bother to brush your teeth or take off your makeup, instead you curled up in your bed and tried to not let the thoughts consume you while you waited for Soobin to come up.

Coming here for the weekend was one thing. You were already thrown into a torturous mess of family and remembering things, you didn’t know you’d be forced to relive so many different memories you had suppressed for a multitude of reasons. Laying here in the dark, you’re beginning to think this weekend was meant to happen this way to show you exactly how far you’ve drifted from this life. That Soobin and your kids was where you were meant to be, happy and dramaless, safe and growing in positivity and a pureness your children were not going to get from this house.

It was nauseating, and would give you a migraine if you thought about it for too long. In just one day, after yearning for what used to be, you’ve realized it wasn’t what it was. It’s not the same as it was. Whatever you were longing for would not feel the same as it did when you were eighteen, nineteen, even twenty-one. You were at an entirely different aspect of life now. A healthy one.

“Darling?” Soobin whispered, the door opening slowly, light flooding in from the hallway. Sitting up, you watched him shut the bedroom door quietly so as to not wake the baby, then he walked to your side, catching you as you fell into him. “Are you alright?”

“Next Christmas we stay for a day,” you whispered. “Then, we leave and spend it with the kids. Just the kids.”

Soobin drug his hand in a circle around your back, letting it slip beneath the shirt you wore. “You know, I’m not going to say no.”

Looking up at him, you tried to give him a smile. “Thank you.”

“For?” Soobin quirked a brow.

“For being you,” you whispered. “For believing in me, and sticking by me, and supporting me, and treating me nicely, and… loving the kids.”

Soobin held back a smile, his eyes going slightly wide. “That’s a lot of thank you’s.”

“I mean every word,” you said. “I love you so much. I think I’m… content… not having heavy ties here.”

Your husband sucked in a breath, like relief had struck him suddenly. “Moving on.”

You finally smiled, nodding. “Moving on.”

“Thank god,” Soobin groaned, pushing you backward against the pillows to smother you with kisses. His lips were halfway down your neck until you pushed him off.

“Where’s the kids?” you asked.

A soft smile graced his lips. “Taehyun offered up his bedroom for all of them. He got Mina’s little crib set up in there, and the boys snuggled up in his bed with Minho.”

“Rosie?” You raised your brows.

Soobin chuckled. “She’ll be in a sleeping bag on the floor next to Mina.”

“No way.”

“Yes way,” he said. “Now, may I continue?”

Glancing at the baby’s bassinet that was set up in the corner furthest from you, you turned back to your husband with a smile and hummed. “Continue,” you giggled.

It seemed impossible to sleep, and no, it wasn’t Christmas excitement keeping you up. Soobin, sound asleep beside you, had done his best to tire you out, to relax you enough that you’d want to shut your eyes and snooze, but it wasn’t enough.

After Christmas you were heading back home to be a family of six, unsure of when you’d be coming back here to visit your family, unsure of when you’d ever see Taehyun again. Everything was still unclear between the two of you, whether or not your relationship was in good standing. Those videos gave you a decent idea of where you were headed with your decision on making up.

Slipping out of the covers carefully so you didn’t startle Soobin, you checked on Wonwoo who was also sound asleep, then tiptoed out to the hallway. It was dark, and quiet, the only light coming from the stairs, where the Christmas throw up was. Pushing your hair back out of your face, you took yourself down there, the stairs creaking beneath you as snuck down. Peeking into the front room with the tree and the lights, you find mountains of gifts waiting for your kids under the branches. Gifts upon gifts you didn’t even approve of were patiently awaiting their sticky little fingers to tear them open. Two little green bikes were standing by the windows. Your twins were going to lose their minds.

The rest of the house was silent, everyone was clearly asleep. Sneaking down the hallway into the kitchen, a gasp escapes you when you find Taehyun sitting at the kitchen table in the dark with a glass of water sitting in front of him.

“Jesus, Tae,” you whispered.

“Sorry,” he breathed a laugh. “Didn’t wanna cause any commotion.”

Taking a breath to calm your beating heart, you walk over and take a seat next to him, keeping your focus on the table in front of you. “No, you’re good, I just wasn’t expecting anyone to be up.”

Taehyun bobbed his head and twisted his glass on the wood. “Sober sleep is hard.”

“Yeah,” you sighed. “You wake up feeling a lot better though.”

He laughed. “True.”

Silence fell between you, a suffocating silence, like there was so much more to say yet not enough time to say it. Either that or neither of you had the balls to do so.

“Everything that I’ve said today,” Taehyun began, gulping, “I’m sorry.” He looked to you with only his eyes. You did the same. “It wasn’t appropriate of me to let you hear any of it.”

Shifting your body, you turned to face him, pulling your legs up on the chair. “I needed it.”

He looked at you with wild eyes. “Really?” Copying your stance, he twisted to give you his full attention. 

“Yeah,” you shrugged. “We can’t live with all that shit trapped inside of us. That’s what’s made these last twelve years really, really hard. We stopped talking.”

Taehyun rolled his eyes. “I stopped talking.”

“Why did you?” Your voice was a whisper, one that made him recoil with a slight shake of his head. “And don’t say it’s ‘cause of Sana, because I know for a fact that it’s not.”

He stared down at nothing for a few seconds, before a gentle groan came out of him and he gave you a half smile. “Beomgyu.” The name, after those videos, made your stomach turn. In the not fun way.

“What about him?” Your voice was small.

“I don’t even think I need to say it.”

“Taehyun, please.”

He exhaled heavily and squeezed his eyes shut. “You guys… liked each other.”

A breath corrupted your lungs, a lump lodging in your throat as you tore your eyes away from him, looking about the kitchen. Taehyun smiled something of sorrow.

“I was a toy for him to play with,” you mumbled, and he detested immediately.

“That is a lie and you know it,” he said. Meeting his eyes, you felt a tear slip out of one of yours. “You saw those videos, I couldn’t watch anything except for how he looked at you. Shit, Baby, I was there. I could see, I could feel how he felt. And I know how it feels to be loved by you. You loved him too.”

Wiping your hands over your face, letting them sit there for a moment, you sniffled. “Oh, it’s so fucked, Tae.”

“I know,” he whispered. “It’s so fucked.” He went quiet, glancing around the room, watching the snowfall outside. “I don’t blame it for our problems, though. I don’t blame him. He’s still my best friend, he’s still…” You snapped your eyes toward him, begging him to not say the words. A sigh and a head shake was answer enough that he’d keep his mouth shut.

“I had Rosie on purpose,” he decided to tread carefully. “We know this, I… yelled it at you.”

“Sorry for trying to talk you out of it.” Your hushed voice surprised him. “You love her, so much. Both of them. It hurts me that I tried to take that away from you.”

“You didn’t know,” he said, the look in his eye accepting your apology. “We didn’t know we’d be here. We didn’t know Sana would stick with me. No one knew if I’d make it this far, have them with me, have any sort of custody… It’s okay.” He nodded. “You wanted to protect me.”

“That day, at her shower,” you rested your chin on one of your knees, “You wanted to protect me. I remember you telling Gyu to take me to his brothers.”

Taehyun let the memory find him. “I did. He wanted to bring you there anyway, without me telling him to. We both knew you wouldn’t go if I didn’t say something.”

“Where were going with this before?” you asked. “Talking about Rose.”

Taehyun attempted a smile. “I… had her on purpose. Which sounds pretty shitty to say out loud.” The two of you shared a quiet laugh. “But, I got with Sana for more of a reason than to just piss you off.”

“You did piss me off pretty bad,” you giggled, and he rolled his eyes.

“I’m good at that,” he popped his brows once. “I just…” The energy shifted. “There was no life with me,” he whispered, looking at you. “There was no life… with you. You and I, we could never have this.” He gestured around the kitchen.

Raising your brows you sighed. “You and I couldn’t ever afford this.” It made him laugh, thankfully. His hands found his lap, folding together between the sweats he was wearing to bed.

“You know what I mean.”

“I do,” you said, tone as soft as his.

“I had to do something, something that would force us to stop what we were doing, ‘cause there was little to nothing that would stop us.” He huffed a laugh watching you force back a smile. “As much as it hurt… It hurt so bad. I did it for you.”

“That’s ass backwards,” you muttered. 

“Totally,” he agreed. “I saw you and Gyu. Saw how you were. I thought, if I did this, you two would get together. Eventually.”

Trying to swallow the lump in your throat away, it seemed it was there to stay. Another tear fell. “And how did that plan work out?”

Your whisper just about punched him in the gut. “I didn’t think any of this would happen.”

Wiping your own tears, you took in a shaky deep breath. “You know, you could’ve just said the words, Taehyun. That’s all I ever wanted, was for you to talk to me. A majority of my life was one big secret, I didn’t need anymore from you.”

He took you in, accepting defeat. “I’m sorry. You deserved better.”

A sarcastic laugh came out amongst the tears. “And you thought that was Gyu?” you whispered, sniffling, and laughing. “He literally told me he wouldn’t do anything because I was yours. Always was, always will be.” Taehyun averted his gaze. “If you weren’t involved, I barely heard from him. To this day, I don’t hear from him.” But, you knew he knew that.

“Do you know how lucky I am to have the man that I do upstairs?” you continued on, Taehyuns eyes eventually finding yours again. “Do you know how unbelievable it is that he’s even with me? I already fucked up with him once, with undeniable, living proof that we’ll have for the rest of our lives, and he married me, Taehyun.” You took a second to wipe your tears. “Where was Beomgyu?”

Getting up out of his chair, he paused you for a moment. “Hang on,” he muttered, leaving the kitchen, then reappearing after a minute or two with envelopes in his hands. “I wasn’t sure when I’d be able to give you these.” He sat beside you and placed the long white letter envelopes on the table. “Was worried you wouldn’t come this weekend.”

Jaw tight, you reached for the envelopes and kept a strong face as you picked them up. Your tears betrayed you, as you read the names on the front of the four letters they fell steadily. Two were dated from the boy's fourth birthday, their names written neatly on the front, as well as the other two, from their fifth birthday this year. 

This was how it went. An envelope for each boy with a birthday wish and a hefty amount of cash. Usually these were slipped to you at one of Taehyun’s kids parties, discreetly, like it was hush money and not birthday gifts for your children. Words were never spoken, nor exchanged. The letters were given to you, by Taehyun, and you handed them off to your husband without a second thought.

“Have you ever read them?” he asked, eyeing the envelopes you held.

“No,” you breathed, and he nodded. “Soobin has, though. I might, eventually.”

Nodding again, Taehyun sat quietly, letting you have a minute before he said, “He’s a good man.”

Flickering your eyes up to him you smiled. “He’s a damn good man, Tae.” Holding up the letters, you scoffed. “After this? Taking care of and accepting those boys like they’re his own? I swear… I don’t deserve him.”

“Yes, you do,” he said. “You deserve him and so much more.”

Six years ago, you and Soobin’s gap year, that sounded so superficial at this point, you ran back to the two boys, both Taehyun and Beomgyu. A taste of your old life, one that Soobin was detoxing you from. It scared you, to think you were losing a side of yourself, the only side of yourself you had ever known. You weren’t able to stay at Taehyun’s, and you sure as hell didn’t want to stay back at home, so you settled on living at Beomgyu’s for some time. 

Having his own place by then, not too far from Taehyun’s, the three of you lived like you were twenty again, and it was exhilarating, it was freedom, it was familiar. Thinking about it now you cannot believe that you allowed half of it to happen, Taehyun was a married man with two children, but most of that year, those collective months, was a blurred mess. Neither of the boys tried to talk you out of anything with Soobin, in fact, they barely spoke his name. You led… everything.

At this point it seemed that Beomgyu had somewhat gotten over his, ‘you’re always his’, thing, because most mornings you weren’t waking up in the spare room, you were waking up beside him, with tangled limbs and hungover, naked bodies.

You didn’t know you were pregnant until you made up with Soobin. After months of living in hazy chaos, you had an epiphany, much like the one you had a few hours ago after watching the home movies. It wasn’t a life you wanted. It clearly wasn’t a life Beomgyu wanted either.

Living back here at home, days away from moving in with Soobin, into the first tiny home you shared together, you found out you were expecting. Positively gutted, knowing there was no way in hell that Soobin had fathered the child, you were at a loss. You sat on the tiled floor of the bathroom upstairs, alone, for an hour. There was no Taehyun to rush in to save you, to hold you in his arms and tell you everything was going to be okay. You were completely alone, and you had no other choice but to tell Soobin.

Sure, you could’ve taken the other route and gotten yourself out of the shitty predicament, but something in your heart was begging you to tell him. So, you did. And, you hurt him. He didn’t ignore you, he didn’t push you away, he didn’t postpone your move in, he was there for you, and cared for you.

It was one thing you still couldn’t wrap your mind around. How one day he woke up, and decided it was the day to propose, at your bedside in the early morning when you just peeked open your eyes. He spoke words that, still to this day, had the power to bring you to tears. He accepted you, he promised to love and to care for you. He accepted your boys, before either of you even knew there were two. For six years he’s kept his promise. For six years he’s been the best damn father any child could ask for.

“Taehyun, I know we both said things we still mean,” you spoke carefully, keeping his gaze on yours. “You said that you love me, and I… I love you, too.”

He cringed to himself. “I hope you know I don’t mean it in the, I want you to divorce him, way.”

You nearly leapt out of your seat, reaching forward for his hands. “God, no, Tae,” you sighed. “Listen, part of me came here wondering what was left. Of us.” He listened intently, soaking up every word. “You probably thought I was gonna try to… get you back, or something.” He nodded solemnly, a confession he didn’t want to reveal. “And, maybe part of me wanted to find out, but that stuff isn’t important anymore. We’re two entirely different people now. We’re both sober, we’re both on track to live happy, fulfilling lives… We cannot go backward.”

Watching you, wondering if you had anything else to add, he asked, “Will you ever tell them? The boys?”

Your heart sank. “Soobin and I discussed it. When they’re old enough, we’ll tell them. We’ll give them the letters.” Your eyes burned, the tears coming on fast. “Though I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for them to find out that he didn’t want them. I don’t wanna break their hearts. I don’t want them to have to go through the same pain I did, the realization that your father rejected you, acting like you don’t exist.” Taehyun squeezed your hands. You swore a tear slid down his cheek. “How do I do that to them?”

Taking a deep breath, Taehyun gestured to the letters you threw down on the table. “Read them,” he whispered, his eyes gleaming with something you couldn’t place. “Before you tell the boys… read them.”

After a sniffle you nodded, wiping your tears on your shoulder. “I said it earlier, I want my kids to know you.” He drug his fingers over your skin delicately. “Especially the boys, you’re…” a shaky breath shot through you, “You’re the closest thing they have to him.”

It fell quiet once again, the brisk wind and snow outside the only thing to be heard, calming you both. Taehyun gave your hands one last squeeze before he let them go and tucked his back into his lap. “Yanno, Joy was saying some funny stuff.”

“That the boys look like you,” you said quickly, both of you laughing together.

“Yeah,” Taehyun screwed his face up. “It made me think. It made me think some things I shouldn’t think-“

“Tae,” you said gently. “They’re his. Gyu’s their daddy. I promise you.”

He looked at his lap. “Right,” he whispered, lips firmly pressed together. 

Ignoring everything that changed about him in this moment, you kept things moving, picking up the letters off the table. “Thank you for these,” you smiled. “And, thank you for being here. For talking to me.”

He flashed you that grin that made your heart skip a beat. “What are friends for, Baby?”

Glittering wrapping paper littered the floor, more being thrown by the minute. Every child was beaming, showing off each gift they unwrapped to whoever's eye they could catch. The twins, absolutely losing their minds over their bikes, Mina, asking Jin to open up her new baby doll, Minho, reading the back of a vinyl record, and Rosie, counting how many new lip glosses she’s opened. The room was happy, full of life.

Soobin sat on a couch with Wonwoo in his arms, the infant holding onto a teething ring for dear life, chewing on it while he watched his family go crazy over their gifts. He shot you a smile each time one of your kids opened something new, a screech sounding off when they recognized it was something they’d been asking for.

“You boys want Daddy and Uncle Taehyun to teach you how to ride them?” you asked, holding up your phone to take photos of the twins trying to sit on their bikes. Taehyun, on the floor next to the tree, handing out gifts whenever a child asked for another, looked up at your husband, eyes full of hope.

“Oh my god, yes!” Chan shouted, jumping up and down on his feet covered by the fuzzy footed pajamas he wore. Sunoo, matching his brother, threw his arms in the air and cheered. Eyeing Soobin carefully, you sighed as you watched him smile and nod at Taehyun.

“Can we go now?” Sunoo pouted, eyes going wide. Taehyun snickered and looked over at you.

“Sun, look outside,” you pointed to the window. All the kids followed, glancing out to the snow that was probably going to have you stuck here for another night. “Don’t think you’ll be able to ride a bike out there.” Soobin shot you a look, his smile sarcastic, already dreading staying here one more time.

The boys moved onto other gifts, taking their time, scoping the scene, helping their sister and asking Minho what he got. Taehyun moved to the couch next to Soobin, a foot of space separating them, the three men falling into conversation with one another, Jin seeming happy to have them both there with him. Observing the organized chaos, you didn’t notice your mother approaching you, sliding her arm around your back where you stood in the archway.

“Merry Christmas, my love,” she smiled, speaking quietly to you. Giving her a quick smile, you focused back on your husband, who was handing Wonwoo over to Taehyun.

“Merry Christmas, Mom,” you whispered. Taehyun gazed down at your son in awe, the first time he’s actually held him this weekend. The first time he was getting to know one of your kids before they learned how to walk. He didn’t get to do this with Mina. He barely got to do it with the twins. Wonwoo smiled up at him after he whispered something to the baby, and when he did, he looked up at you and the look on his face warmed your heart.

“He’s so…” Joy began.

“Good with the kids,” you finished, giving her a look. “I know, Mom.”

She forced a smile onto her lips, looking back at you like she was in pain. Her eyebrows were flipped and her eyes were glistening. “I’m sorry if those videos were a lot,” she said, and you scoffed, brushing it off. “No, I mean it. It’s clear you’re moved on from then, I think I was just so caught up in the past. It’s lonely here without you.”

Sighing, you turned to face her. “Mom, the videos-”

“I don’t need you to try to reassure me,” she actually smiled, rubbing your forearm. “They were a lot for me, too. Seeing that day,” her eyes widened for a second, her voice dropping back down to a whisper, one that sent a chill down your spine, “I was reminded how grateful I am that it wasn’t you.”

“Mom,” you gasped, clamping your jaw shut. Her eyes flickered toward Taehyun quickly, then back to yours without much else to say.

“I hold onto hope that one day you’ll open up to me,” she said. “I’m here for you. I always have been.” With another gentle rub of your arm she scurried off into the room to celebrate with the kids.

Your skin has flushed, you know it has. Frozen where she left you, you can’t comprehend what had just happened, what she had just told you, what she had literally admitted to you. Nausea washed over you, your throat closing, like the ability to breath was stolen from you.

She knew.

Willing yourself to turn toward the room where the commotion continued, but you heard half of it, you took one look at the men on the couch. Soobin and Taehyun, both looking back at you with concern. Soobin’s was protective, but Taehyun’s was straight worry. You didn’t know what to do, you didn’t know how to process. A secret you were planning to keep from her for the rest of your life, one that you and Taehyun were going to take to the grave, she knew about. She left you without any indication as to when she found out, who she found out from, if she figured it out herself, if Jin knew as well… She knew, and you didn’t know how.

Looking at your boys, your beautiful twin boys showing their grandmother their new books they had unwrapped, you felt your heart rate skyrocket as you realized that as she sat there talking with them, she thought they were Taehyun’s children.

You were crying, and you weren’t totally sure you were breathing either. Shaky hands pushed back your hair and wiped your tears. Shaky legs took you away from the celebration, into another room, the living room, where you fell onto a couch and buried your face in your hands, finally letting out a decent sob you’d been suppressing all weekend.

It wasn’t long until a pair of strong arms wrapped around you, cozying up next to you, pulling you into their lap. Smothering yourself in their chest, you grabbed onto them somehow, and cried. There weren’t any words to say. Looking up at your husband, teary eyed, there wasn’t a thing either of you could say, or do, to make this any better.

“I’ll find a way to get us home tonight,” he whispered. “I promise.”

Okay, maybe there was one thing he could say to make this a little bit better. And you knew damn well, better than anyone, that Soobin kept his promises.

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thank you so much for reading. <3

[originalaccountname]

https://www.tiktok.com/@bluemoon.mp4/video/7300937773001821442

I consider you the timeline expert so uhh thoughts on this?

tiktok video recap: OP was trying to deduce who between Dazai and Chuuya was older. OP said Atsushi was freshly turned 18 when he was kicked out of the orphanage, at the start of May, and since the are only a few weeks (only 2 though, not 4) between that and him meeting Dazai, it would mean Dazai's birthday at the end June hadn't passed yet, making it so Dazai was actually 23 now and a year older than Chuuya, whose birthday already passed in April. This is a take I've seen before.

I would say a solid attempt. I do like the idea of Atsushi being kicked out because he finally turned 18 and they finally could do it, but the truth is Japan's age of majority was 20 until 2022, not 18. It would make no sense for the orphanage to kick out a minor in normal conditions.

I'm also still saying there's a solid chance Asagiri doesn't really care about being accurate to the exact month, more just to the general year, but we have enough to take a guess and force things to work.

so.

I think there was too much emphasis put on the fact that skk are the same age for it to be true, and we don't actually have any proof Atsushi was kicked on his birthday, even if it is a legitimate guess to try and make.

(continued under the cut ↓ )

1) The light novel being titled "Dazai, Chuuya, Age Fifteen" when they are the same age for barely 2 months sounds a bit ridiculous, but also have these quotes to show in-story what they say:

2) Asagiri said he probably should have titled Storm Bringer "Dazai, Chuuya, Age Sixteen" for continuity, but didn't want to:

3) The SB -> Dragon's Head Conflict timeline I made was based on Chuuya's birthday, placing its start at around January-February, right before his 17th birthday. We know there were 2 years between the DHC and Dark Era as per Oda's words, and real life Oda Sakunosuke and André Gide died in January and February respectively, solidifying that attempted timeline. We know Dazai is 18 during Dark Era (+2 years underground to enter the ADA at 20). If Dazai was a year older than Chuuya, that timeline wouldn't be able to hold, as Dazai would actually be 19 and a half by that point. (refer to this graphic for a breakdown by month, adding a year to Dazai's count for this theory to "work": )

4) On that same note, SB takes place one year after Chuuya joined; the Flags were celebrating his one year in the mafia. Because of the July + 3 months mention, so after Dazai's birthday, we know for sure it couldn't have happened in the supposed two months they would be the same age.

I also want to add that Atsushi never mentions being kicked out because he turned 18. The reason he gives Kunikida and Dazai is that the orphanage had to reduce the number of people in their care for monetary reasons after the Tiger attacked. Atsushi was always the scapegoat, so it wouldn't have surprised him to be the one kicked out, even if it was still frightening. Also again, an 18-year-old was a minor in Japan until very recently.

One very clear clue we have however, is 55 Minutes, which happens in the hottest part of summer. Asagiri said it happened sometime after vol10, so after the Guild arc. I would need to do a full reread to see how much time could have passed between the start of the series and the end of the Guild arc, but since all of it was happening around Atsushi and the Tiger (everyone was after the poor boy), we can probably fit it in a month or so (and make the ADA be so so tired afterwards)

As of now, I would place the start of the series more around July, after Dazai's birthday but before August so we have some leeway for 55 Minutes, but this will need a deeper dive to solidify the theory, and this post is getting too long.

[noahmullariii]

I've been thinking about how much I adore Tonks and Remus' dynamic but physically cannot ship them because my brain is being weird about their fucking age gap. this is so frustrating. they would have been so lovely for me if Tonks was like at least 27 in 5th book. Ronks (yeah I'm not calling it Remadora, Tonks hates her birth name ffs) would have been my ride-or-die alongside Jily and Wolfstar for sure.

because literally nothing else that Ronks antis consider deal breakers for them matters to me - not the fumbled way they get together in canon, not them getting married so quickly, not Tonks getting pregnant, not the assumed queer-coding of both characters (which I personally see, don't get me wrong. but it's assumed and who the fuck says they can't be queer4queer anyway?). sure, the nuclear family narrative being pushed so quickly and thoroughly onto them is peculiar but who says they didn't want to make the most of their time during a war? I love wartime drama and they would have been my shit if it weren't for... well. Tonks being 22 and Remus 35 when they meet.

I just can't ship big age gaps unless the youngest character is closer to 30 than 20. which is infuriating, because Ronks is objectively more fascinating because of their gap. my fucking loss, don't you think?

anyway, after thinking of ways I can make Tonks older without hurting the story, I began wondering whether her age is narratively important, and yes, turns out it very much is - for Harry.

Tonks being 22 in order of phoenix makes her the closest of Order members to Harry's age (Weasley twins don't count because they're Ron's brothers first, order members second for Harry) and the one Order member Harry can relate to the most in his youth and desire to fight. She almost perfectly parallels marauders and Lily in first war and represents the fun of the fight, the fire of youth, the confidence of a new recruit, the safety of relatability for Harry. She's one of the biggest inspirations for his newfound dream of becoming an auror. Harry needs Tonks among those older, battle-worn, cautious, secretive adults who don't take him seriously and never look him in the eye, because he wants to be what she is even before realising it and only reflects on it after spending time with her.

all in all, Tonks being 22 matters quite a lot for Harry's story.

now, we have no way of knowing whether Joanne came up with Ronks storyline prior to Tonks' introduction, but it shouldn't matter for their relationship, not in Joanne's opinion - Tonks' youth already fulfilled its narrative role in order of phoenix and stopped being an important asset of her character in half-blood prince.

oh, but unfortunately it still matters in the grand scheme of things, Joanne. you don't just introduce a young adult character (I'm 21 myself and gods, 22/23 is barely more mature), chuck their established age out the window and pair them up with a character in their mid-to-late thirties. and of fucking course it makes sense for a 23 year old to be down bad for some scruffy 36 year old man, it's incredibly realistic! this 36 year old man acting upon such crush is a little questionable, but still realistic (and we know Remus is very flawed, so I'm not surprised). but you know what isn't realistic at all?

Molly - a 46 year old woman, married to her high school sweetheart, mother to 7 children, 3 of which are close to Tonks' age - being extremely supportive of actually engaging in that sort of relationship, going as far as reprimanding Remus for not committing to it. I'm sorry, what? Molly might have some flaws as a mother, but she is nothing if not protective of her kids and those in their age range. She genuinely becomes somewhat of a mother figure for Tonks during their time in the Order, and I just cannot for the life of me understand how Molly could encourage her to pursue Remus and vice-versa, instead of consoling Tonks in her tragic crush and making sure Remus doesn't even look at her like that.

Minerva - an even older woman who taught both Remus and Tonks at Hogwarts, witnessed Remus becoming an adult from his graduation in 1978 up until 1981, then saw an 11 year old Tonks start Hogwarts 3 years later in 1984 - chiding Remus for not being "brave" enough to commit to such relationship. first of all, why the fuck is she involved in that narrative at all? it's none of her business??? she's not in any pseudo parenting role for either of them, unlike Molly, so I never understood why she even has a place to voice her opinion about their romance. second of all, even if it was her business, Minerva - a professor who witnessed both Remus and Tonks grow up so many years apart - would realistically feel pretty weird about such relationship.

those aren't problems with the ship itself, but rather the way Joanne implemented their romance in the story. I think it would be more realistic if Ronks was some kind of fucked up forbidden romance from other characters' perspectives. the way everybody is so instantly supportive of them is quite jarring to me.

interestingly, when I read hp for the first time at 11 I was quite adamant in my belief that Tonks was in love with Molly up until that scene in half-blood prince. a very weird belief for a kid, I know. I just only liked girls at the time and was relating to Tonks quite a bit since her introduction, so I guess I unconsciously decided she was a lesbian even without knowing that term yet. I also had a crush on my teacher in 4th grade and she was quite similar to Molly... yeah, this girl was projecting too much. I didn't pick up on Remus' queer-coding until I fell down the rabbit hole of lgbt discourse at 14, but was pretty shocked to read about Tonks falling for a man at 11. she was so like me until she wasn't :) it's pretty funny to think about now.

in conclusion, I'm hella jealous of those of you who don't have weird brains and can enjoy Ronks to their fullest potential. their canon writing has its issues but they're more interesting for it, truly. I'll stay in my no fun corner, headcanoning them as lavender married, queer-platonic, bisexual besties co-parenting Teddy Alastor Tonks.

[whimsicallyenchantedrose]

Season 3 Rewatch Drabbles: 3x1 The Heart of the Truest Believer.

Source: https://www.tumblr.com/royalswan/186252007797/killian-being-worried-when-emma-is-pulled-out-of?source=share

Summary:  A series of 100-500 word drabbles to accompany my    rewatch of season 3 of Once Upon a Time.  There will be a drabble–either a deleted scene, a “fix it” fic or a character musing for each episode of the season.  Focus will be on Emma, Henry, the Charmings and Killian–with an emphasis on Captain Swan’s epic love story.

Word Count: 400

Other Chapters: (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15) (16) (17) (18) (19) (20) (21) (22) (23) (24) (25) (26) (27) (28)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Neverland.

How he despised this accursed island with its perpetual darkness and poisonous plants and fetid air so humid one felt as though he were drowning if he took a deep breath. After he’d made his desperate deal with Pan to get off of Neverland, he had vowed to never return, and yet here he was.  Why the hell had he broken his vow?

Because of her.

Oh aye, it was also because of his inherent sense of good form, the debt he had to Baelfire, but she was the impetus.  He couldn’t bear to see her so utterly panicked and turn from her when he knew he could help.

They’d no sooner landed upon this realm’s filthy waters than the horrors began.  How had he been so blind as to not see the storm was of their own making? A physical manifestation of their strife and discord?  He should have realized.

If he had, Swan wouldn’t have had to take desperate measures, plunging herself within the depths of the sea to make all of them see reason.

Her tactic had worked, however, and with a common goal in mind, they’d ceased their sniping and begun working together.  Where once was the fury of the wind and the waves, now was absolute calm and silence, as all aboard his ship waited, barely daring to breathe, as they waited for the prince to resurface.

It felt like ages, but then he did break the surface, pulling in a deep, gasping breath–and then hauling up his daughter.  For a moment Killian felt relief flood him; they’d done it.  They’d saved her.

But then they’d laid Swan on the deck of the Jolly, and she’d been still, silent, lifeless.  Horror washed over him as he remembered the last woman who’d lain lifeless on his deck.  Milah.  He’d felt the same helplessness, the same disbelief, the same despair looking down at her. 

As Swan’s parents worked over her, begging her to breathe, begging her to live, he stood still, frozen in place with his fear and dread.  This couldn’t be happening again.  It couldn’t.

And then she took a breath, coughing up sea weather, as her parents supported her.  He let go of the breath he’d been holding.

Neverland was still dark.  It was still evil.  It was still stifling.

But for the first time, there was a new-found beacon of light. Of hope.

NEXT CHAPTER-->

[froggynelson]

THE FOGGY APPEARANCES MASTERPOST

So I decided, after literal years of relying on places like the marvel wiki and comicvine to look for and double check Foggy Nelson's appearances throughout the marvel universe, to go and make a comprehensive list of his appearances outside of the main Daredevil title, counting Daredevil limited series and one off stories, along with cameos and alternate universes. The intention was to streamline the process for myself so i dont have to scour through pages and pages every time I wanna remember which comic that one thing happened, but hey, why not make the process of finding comics easier for people who aren't as deranged as I am? So here I made this post, from a real Fog-head to other Fog-heads out there, listing every issue outside of the Daredevil title (as it is more straightforward to find him, and extremely long to type on this list) he appears in, from barely there cameos to central roles, sorted by whether they are set in Earth 616 or not, and in no particular order. This is simply a list to serve as a guide to find him, it is not a curated list so the quality varies wildly, but I hope you're all as curious as I was to find all the most obscure and niche Foggies out there. Enjoy :)

EDIT 1: The original post had been published without one of my alterations to the draft saving, so if you reblogged it without this edit, the list was missing 14 titles.

616:

Daredevil (1964) Annuals: #1, #2, #3, #4, #8, #9

Daredevil (1998) Annuals: #1

Daredevil: Yellow: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6

Daredevil: Redemption: #1, #6

Marvel Graphic Novel: #24 (Daredevil: Love and war)

Daredevil: Cage Match: #1

Daredevil: Man Without Fear (2019): #1, #2, #5

Daredevil: Dark Nights: #3

Shadowland: #5

Shadowland: After the Fall: #1

Black Panther: Man Without Fear: #513, #521, #522

Daredevil vs Punisher: #2

Daredevil/Spider-Man: #2, #3, #4

Punisher Kill Krew: #2, #3, #4, #5

Daredevil: Battlin' Jack Murdock: #2

Daredevil: Blood of the Tarantula: #1

Daredevil: Reborn: #3, #4

Daredevil: Father: #1, #2, #5, #6

Daredevil/Deadpool: Annual '97

Devil's Reign: #3, #4

Devil's Reign Omega: #1

Elektra Lives Again: #1

Dark Reign: Elektra: #2

Uncanny Origins: #13

Power Man and Iron Fist (1978): #77

The Amazing Spider-Man (1963): #16, #42, #43, #65, #218, #429, #438

Spectacular Spider-Man (1978): #240, #242, #250

Spider-Man (1990): #75

Spider-Man Unlimited (1993): #13

Spider-Man/Kingpin: To the Death: #1

Untold Tales of Spider-Man: Annual '97

Uncanny X-Men (1963): #46

The New Warriors: #21, #23, #24, #25

Marvels: #2

Captain Universe: Daredevil

White Tiger: #1

Marvel Fanfare (1982): #1, #27

Marvel Team-up (1972): #25, #107, #141

Marvel Team-up (2004): #9

Marvel Two in one (1974): #37, #38, #78

Marvel Age: Annual #1

Avengers (1998): #26

New Avengers (2005): #1, #2, #3

Iron Man (1968): #35, #327, #328

Iron Man (1998): #1

Captain America (1968): #234

The Incredible Hulk (1968): #153

Superior Iron Man: #3

Ka-Zar (1997): #15, #17

Over the Edge: #6, #10

Silver Sable and the Wild Pack: #23, #28

Cosmic Ghost Rider Destroys Marvel History: #6

Onslaught: Marvel Universe: #1

X-Man: #21

Fantastic Four (1961): Annual #3

Fantastic Four (1998): #35, #47, #48

Fantastic Four: The Wedding Special 2006: #1

Thunderstrike (1993): #16

Spider-Man/Black Cat: #4

The Marvel Saga: #1, #13

The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: Daredevil 2004: #1

Marvel Encyclopedia: #5

The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: Update '89: #5

Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe A to Z: #8

OTHER UNIVERSES:

Daredevil Noir: #1, #3, #4

Daredevil: End of days: #1, #5, #8

Daredevil: Man Without Fear (1992): #2, #3, #4, #5

Daredevil: Season One (2012): #1

Spider Gwen (2015, vol. 1): #1

Spider Gwen (2015, vol 2): #9, #20, #21, #22, #24, #27, #33

Powerless: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5

Ultimate Daredevil and Elektra: #1, #2, #3, #4

Ultimate Elektra: #1, #2

Ultimate Spider-Man (2000): #109, Annual #2

Survive!: #1

The Ultimates 2: #3

Spidey Super Stories: #43, #50

Marvel Adventures Super Heroes: #9

Marvel Age Spider-Man: #15

Not Brand Echh (1967): #2, #4, #9

What the--?!: #3, #11

Peter Porker, The Spectacular Spider-Ham: #7

Marvel Hostess ads vol.1 #7

Secret Wars, too: #1

Secret Wars: Secret love: #1

Dark Ages: #2

Marvel Knights: 20th: #1

Marvel Nemesis: The Imperfects: #2

Avengers Halloween Special: #1

Contest of Champions (2015): #4

1602: #1

1872: #2

Paradise X: #10

Marvels X: #2

What if? Daredevil: #1

What if? Daredevil vs Elektra: #1

What if Karen Page had lived?: #1

What if? (1977): #8, #35, #38

What if...? (1989): #26, #73, #89, #102, #105

Spider Girl: #0, #17, #63, #74, #82, #85

Spider-Man: Chapter One: #9

Mutant X: Annual #3

Daredevil/Batman: #1

Daredevil/Shi: #1

Daredevil: The Movie Adaptation: #1

Sins of Sinister: #1

[little-tyrant-gortash]

Oathbreaker

Pairing: fem!Tav x Enver Gortash, fem!Tav/Astarion

Tags: Emotional Manipulation, Manipulation, Manipulative Relationship, Paladin Tav (Baldur's Gate), Vaginal Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Drunk Sex, Unrequited Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Scars, Blood and Injury, Injury, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Torture, Psychological Torture, Implied/Referenced Torture

Word count: 2,134

Ao3 here.

Chapter 1.

Chapter 2.

Chapter 3.

Chapter 4.

Chapter 5.

Chapter 6.

Chapter 7.

Chapter 8.

Chapter 9.

Chapter 10.

Chapter 11.

Chapter 12.

Chapter 13.

Chapter 14.

Chapter 15.

Chapter 16.

Chapter 17.

Chapter 18.

Chapter 19.

Chapter 20.

Chapter 21.

Chapter 22. ⬇

Chapter 23.

Chapter 22: Craving

"I need to tell you about Astarion."

"Can we schedule it for tomorrow?"

Gortash busied himself unbuttoning her dress while he was kissing the side of her neck. She felt like she was on fire, his every touch, the feeling of his golden claws against her skin made her desire burn hotter for him.

"Gods, Enver, please just listen-"

"I'm listening", he pulled away to give her a lopsided grin.

Her dress fell to the ground. She blushed scarlet as he gently gripped her chin before he kissed her. His tongue against hers made her moan in his mouth, which made his pants way too tight. His left hand slipped between her thighs and he gently rubbed her through her panties. Her hands gripped his coat tighter on his shoulders.

"I'm all ears", he whispered in her mouth when he was done kissing her.

"It's important-"

"So is this", he pushed her panties away from the path of his left hand, and sought the slickness between her folds. "I've been waiting to feel this, here", he pushed his clawless index and middle finger inside of her, making Tav bite her lower lip with a moan, "all day."

"Enver", she complained softly as she closed her eyes when he started to fuck her with his fingers.

"Hmm?"

"Stop teasing me", she whined quietly, and he chuckled.

"Shall we skip to the main course, then?"

Tav decided that the truth about Astarion could wait. She wouldn't be able to concentrate with him being so horny... which made her horny in return.

"Yes, yes, please", she desperately clawed at his coat, and his dark smirk made shivers run up and down her spine. When he moved his arms in a certain way, rolling them back so the coat would move away from his body, she pulled it back. "Oh no. The coat stays on", she decided with a little smile.

"Oh, does it?"

"I like this coat."

"Who would've thought?"

He unbuckled his belt with quick fingers, pushed his pants and underwear out of the way, then wrapped her legs around his waist as he penetrated her. She ran her fingers in his hair and held him close as he reached under her thighs to keep her up and against the wall as he started to fuck her. His pace was rough and passionate, and she was moaning in pure pleasure with each thrust.

"Does it feel good to be mine?" He growled in her ear, making goosebumps raise on her entire body.

"Yes! Yes!" She cried out. "More! Please!"

And he gave her more – taking her back in his bed after she reached her peak for the first time, satisfying her once more, until they were both utterly spent and exhausted. Their limbs entangled, bare, skin to skin, darkness claimed the room around them as the candles burned down, and soon after, Gortash slipped into a calm, dreamless sleep. If he knew she was there in his arms, it was so much easier to rest.

But unlike him, she couldn't fall asleep.

She was lying comfortably beside him, wrapped up in the warmth of one his arms and the blanket, and she stared at his profile as he was lying on his back, asleep. At first, she didn't know what was wrong. The mental fight she had with Astarion seemed like it happened ages ago by now, and it wasn't Enver's proposal either that kept her awake.

Tav wondered what was this feeling, before it hit her: she wanted something. But that something... what is it... the taste of something specific teased her tongue, and her mouth started to water at the mere thought that crossed her mind a moment later.

The steak. The well-done steak Gortash had been mindful to have prepared for her by his servants whenever she visited him. That juicy, tasty piece of meat, with the fried vegetables around it on the plate...

Tav's mind suddenly was on fire. If she couldn't have that steak RIGHT NOW, she- she'd do the unthinkable. She didn't know what was that yet, but she'd do it. The need got so strong and so bad that she couldn't bear it for another second. She had to do something about it. She must. Problem was, she had no idea where was the kitchen. And another problem was that she'd never made a steak like that before.

"Enver."

He must've been too tired, because he didn't wake up immediately. Tav pushed herself up on her elbows, facing him, his features calm and peaceful in his sleep. She bit her lower lip, touching his shoulder.

"Enver", she tried a bit louder, shaking his shoulder gently.

"Hmm?" He sleepily turned to face her, wrapping his other arm around her waist and pulling her closer, eyes still closed.

"Are you awake?"

"Hmm-mm."

"I'm hungry."

"Mm…"

"I want to eat steak."

A moment of silence.

"What?"

"I want to eat steak with veggies."

"What? Now?"

He pulled a bit away to look at her face with a frown. He looked so sleepy.

"Yes, now. Please?"

She tried her best to conjure the most pleading expression on her face.

"I'll wake the chef, then", he sighed, moving, but her hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"No, please, don't wake anyone else."

If she had to wait for more than absolutely necessary, she'd- she'd burn the palace down.

"Why not?"

"It's late-"

"But you woke me, didn't you?"

"Can't you do it for me?"

Gortash stared at her for a few long seconds. Then, his brows shot up on his forehead.

"You want me to cook for you."

"Yes."

"In the middle of the night."

"Yes."

"Tav-"

"Please, Enver!" She begged, tears prickling her eyes already. She knew he loved to hear her say please, so she did her best to get him to cooperate. "Please, please, please! If you don't make it for me now, I'll- I'll die!"

Now, Gortash laughed out loud.

"You'll die, hmm? We obviously can't let that happen." With a groan, he sat up. It had been bothering him that Gale had made her her favourite soup, anyway, when he listened in once in the past; maybe this would make him feel better about the memory. "Fiiine. Just this once."

"You're the best", she smiled happily as she sat up as well, watching him put on a black silk robe after he put on his underwear.

"Oh, I know." He smirked at her now, his face barely visible in the moonlight. "You'll have to pay for it later."

She felt embarrassed for a moment, because those little words made her feel a bit too excited.

"What should I put on?" She mumbled, almost to herself, looking at the dress still at the ground near the door.

"This", Gortash replied, and when she turned to look at him, she saw in the dark that he had his own shirt in his hand. Even in the dark, he could make out the look she gave him, and he laughed quietly. "If I have to do this, you'll wear what I tell you to."

"Your shirt", she pointed it out.

"Why, is that not good enough for you?"

"No- I mean, only your shirt?"

"You can put on your panties, too."

"How very generous of you, Gortash", she rolled her eyes as she took the shirt from him.

"That's Archduke Gortash, darling", he teased her, grabbing her arm and pulling her close for a kiss.

Putting the shirt on, she realised that it covered her almost until the middle of her thighs. Tav took a moment to inhale his scent. She searched for her panties on the floor where she kicked them hours ago, then they were on their way.

Walking through the mostly empty palace at night was interesting; they've only met a few Fist who looked back at them questioningly – especially at her, and she tried her best to act natural as if she was wearing a proper nightgown and not the Archduke's gods damn shirt –, but Gortash said nothing to them. She was walking behind him at first, until he tutted and pulled her on his left side, taking her hand to place it on his bent arm instead.

"Hmm?" She asked when he sighed.

"Your place is on my side, not behind me", he pointed it out, making her smile.

He showed her the way to the kitchen, and helped himself to the ingredients. She was pacing up and down behind him, like a starving wolf in a cage.

"Tav", Gortash sighed when he felt and heard her walk from left to right for the thousandth time. "Sit down."

"I can't, I'm too hungry", she complained. The vegetables were in one pan, he was frying them, and he just got another pan to cook the steak for her when she stopped beside him. "I'm going to die if I can't have it, like, right now."

"First of all, no, you're not going to die if you have to wait a few more minutes", Gortash glanced at her sternly, his voice serious. Tav whined pathetically in response. "Secondly, you're not eating this steak raw."

"Rare?"

"No."

"Medium-rare?"

"Do you want to get sick?"

"You want to cook it for several minutes??"

Enver took a second to absorb her impatience. This really was curious behaviour, coming from her.

"It is a miracle you've survived for so long in the wilderness", he criticised her as he finally put the steak in the heated pan. The scents were enough to make her grab his arm and lean against it. He glanced at her before he looked back at the meat. "What's this irrational craving?"

"Not sure. Maybe I'm near my… special days", she shrugged, then playfully rested her teeth on his shoulder, as if she wanted to eat him.

"Really? Is that normal for you?"

"Well, no… I do get moody, but this is new."

Gortash furrowed his brows as he turned the steak, but said nothing.

"Wait for it to cool down a bit", he said when he was finished, and placed the plate with the food on the table nearby. She sat down so fast that he had to laugh out loud. He handed her a fork and a knife, and she was already cutting from the meat. "Tav, you'll burn your tongue."

"I'll blow it!" She waved him off with her left hand, making him raise a brow as she was already blowing on a piece of meat. When she deemed it cool enough, she ate it, and as soon as the flavours exploded on her tongue, tears flooded her eyes. "Oh gods- it's so, so good-"

He had his doubts he could cook as well as his own chef did, but the way she destroyed the food one could've thought she ate the best of the best in the entire world. He'd never seen her devour anything so fast, and he'd seen her eat quite a few times by now.

"You really were hungry", he mused when she finished swallowing the last bite.

She used a napkin to dry her lips, and glanced at him shyly.

"Enver?" Tav mumbled his name so softly, so gently, that he couldn't help his smile.

"Yes?"

"…I want more."

Gortash stared at her for a few long seconds. As if he was giving her the chance to rethink what she just said.

"More?" He echoed in disbelief.

"Yes, more." Tav squirmed on the seat, biting her lip apologetically. "Please?"

"Oh no, you'll have to do better than that", he teased her, and she started to whine immediately as she grabbed his golden clad arm to hug it to herself.

"Pretty please! Please, please, please! I'll do anything you want."

"Anything?" He tilted his head, his dark eyes sparking with ideas.

"Anything. Within reason, of course", she added, but she already knew it was probably too late.

"Hmm, I'll think about what would suffice in return", he shrugged with an evil little smile, making her squirm on the chair again as he grabbed more food to make some more for her.

Later, when they finally went back in his room and she made herself comfortable beside him, curled up on her side, snuggling to him, it was Gortash's turn to watch her sleep.

He couldn't let her out like this anymore. She couldn't wander around in the city where Orin and her assassins could do her harm. It was out of the question.

But how to persuade her to never leave the fortress again? To stay within the walls he'd equipped with so many machines to immediately neutralize danger? To remain where the Fist would rush to her aid, should she need it?

He closed his eyes.

He must make her stay.

[sushisocks]

so sorry for this weird ask, i have no idea what else i can try to find this out but you seem like a sean expert. im trying to figure out the year he left ireland, and for that i need his age in 1899.

so, how old do you think sean is?

GOD, this is such a good question, not a weird ask at all, and one I could go on FOREVER about. The question as to Sean's age is one which HAUNTS me, given the ambiguity of it. However we DO have some hints to go off.

First off, we can assume Sean is younger than Arthur, going off his line about Sean being like 'an annoying younger brother' to him. We also can assume he's younger than John, as John refers to him as 'kid' in the game. Javier, who seems to be around John's age as well, also refers to Sean as his 'little friend', most likely referencing the other's age. In that same vein, we can assume Sean is older than Lenny, who he calls kid - and who is the ONLY one Sean calls kid, besides Jack of course.

That all leaves us in an age range of the early to mid 20s - 20-25 is where I usually have him. I also usually veer towards the lower end of that spectrum tbh, and that is in large part because of how he is characterized and clearly supposed to be read. There's not only just a need to prove oneself, but also a youthful exuberance & arrogance to Sean we only really see mirrored in Lenny, though it shows differently between the two it is all CLEARLY there for both of them. And the way Sean treats Lenny as a peer, while still calling him 'kid' at almost every opportunity, very much reads as 'heheh, I am (barely) older than you and finally get to call someone kid instead of being called it' you know?

There's also the matter of his friendship with Mary-Beth, who is presumably about 21-22 like Arthur asked her. The fact that Sean asks her to go with him robbing that one stagecoach is in my opinion a hint of him seeing her as peer as well.

So, like, narratively, characteristically, he SHOULD for all intents and purposes probably be around 21-23. That's what makes sense to me, at least.

WHAT THEN GETS ME is, as you say, when did he leave Ireland?? Because, okay, let's talk about daddy dearest Darragh for a second!!

Note of his death is published in 1889! A full decade before the events of the game!! Which is SUPER surprising considering how Sean talks about him, but also makes it clearer why it's easier for him to speak about him so lightly - that loss has been well-mourned by now, though it makes the fact that Sean speaks so much of him even more tragic imho. They were CLOSE, Darragh was probably Sean's BEST friend growing up, and losing him at that age would've SUCKED so so much!! 10-13 is a very rough age bracket to lose your only guardian and to deal with the amount of upheaval Sean does in the time after.

The timeline given us by the newspaper scrap we can find at Clemens Point is somewhat incongruent with what I found when it came to the history of Fenian activity in Ireland in the 1800s. While there was a Fenian Rising, it was very much in 1867, and I could not find Galway having any significant role to play during it, compared to Dublin, for example. This means we can assume this Fenian Uprising spoken of in the scrap to be a fabrication on R*'s behalf. The Fenian Raids into Canada were VERY much a thing, and in 1866 there even was one in Ridgeway, right by Niagara Falls, as mentioned in the news scrap - though I found a higher death count for the incident on Wikipedia lol

So that gives us a little bit of a timeline! Darragh sets Galway on fire in 1860, fucks off to the US to join a Fenian Raid into Canada, presumably intended to be R*'s version of the Battle of Ridgeway, before eventually RETURNING to Ireland and getting involved in politics as an Irish Republican. What a complicated ass backstory for a character who doesn't even show up in the game beyond his name lmfao

ANYWAY furthermore, the newspaper scrap says the law has been hunting him for years. I mean, that makes sense, given how much back and forth he does over the decades. Let's for arguments' sake say Darragh stayed in the US for a little while before returning to Ireland and getting involved in the political landscape, and that Sean was born ca 1878. Maybe Darragh starts seeing the need to hide some years later; as his past starts closing in on him. They hide out for a while in different locations around Ireland, before the law finds them in Clifden, and THAT'S presumably what makes Darragh flee to the US. We don't know how long the manhunt lasted, but since they'd not gotten past Boston, and specifically quoting Sean's 'we never got that new start' line when talking about his past, I think it's fair to say that they weren't in the US for very long before Darragh died. THOUGH I'd argue they were there long enough for Darragh to lower his shoulders and sleep soundly enough to not hear someone sneak into his bedroom. Also, long enough for him to have found a residence for him and Sean to stay in. So, I'd say they might've had a year or so in the US together?

Now, taking into account the time frame it might've taken for news to get back to the UK, and for it to then be printed, I think it's not unreasonable to believe Darragh died in late 1888, or early 1889. Which means he and Sean probably arrived in the US in the latter half of 1887, while Sean was 9-10.

Anyway, if you're wondering if this changes my thoughts in regard of how long I think Sean was in reform school, I think yeah maybe!! But I still don't think he was there more than 2-3 years max lol. Idk why I thought Sean was older when Darragh died, but the math & research I've now done contradicts that assumption for sure!!

Thank you for the ask!! I definitely went OFF, and if you find my timeline doesn't work for you, that's completely fine!! I had a lot of fun looking into this anywho, and if any one part of it helps you out, that's more than good enough for me!!!!

[encrypted-cryptid]

morituro with Echo?

cw - brief talk of things Under the skin in second to last paragraph.

morituro - of someone who is next or destined to die

'A normal resting heart rate should be between 60 to 100 beats per minute, but it can vary from minute to minute. Your age and general health can also affect your pulse rate, so it's important to remember that a 'normal' pulse can vary from person to person.'

Echo frowns, shakes out their hands and finds the pulse point on their wrist, again. Starts their count, again. Gets 23 beats in 60 seconds, which is better than the 20 beats they got last time but not by much.

They don't feel sick? Maybe a little sluggish, skin aching where it stretches out into shiny burns and patchwork green still growing, but nothing worse. If anything they feel too well, considering how they should be fighting fever and infection at this point in the healing process.

They find their pulse point and count again.

'Rigor mortis is a postmortem change resulting in the stiffening of the body muscles due to chemical changes in their myofibrils. Rigor mortis helps in estimating the time since death as well to ascertain if the body had been moved after death.'

It's worse on cold days. They wake up and can barely move, teeth grit against a stiffness that runs through every nerve, makes every joint grind. Warm baths are now their first priority in the morning, an hour long soak that they keep topped up with the tin kettle they keep constantly boiling on the fire next to the tub; on the worse days they have to lower themselves carefully back in around mid afternoon, and then again when the moon is high.

Echo lets Rassel tease them about it without saying much in their own defense. It's not like they can properly explain that sometimes it just hurts and their muscles lock for no reason so he lets them believe it's a vanity thing instead.

'Between 30-180 seconds of oxygen deprivation, you may lose consciousness. At the one-minute mark, brain cells begin dying. At three minutes, neurons suffer more extensive damage, and lasting brain damage becomes more likely. At five minutes, death becomes imminent.'

One day, Echo lays down on the ground outside of their house in the sunshine and closes their eyes, shirt off with the heat of summer. The haze of the day makes them sleepy.

They take three deep breaths, feel the way their ribs shift with their lungs, grass tickling their sides where the nerve endings are still intact. On the fourth they hold, trapping air behind a closed mouth, and relax.

Like this, if they really concentrate on the minute feelings, roots become tangible all the way down to bone. Echo can feel the way they wrap around capillaries, burrow through fatty tissue, how they pierce the epidermis and anchor themselves around muscle fibres. They curl their left hand into a fist. Hundreds of roots across that arm move naturally with the way it flexes for one simple action, adaptive. And they can feel it all.

When their chest starts to ache, Echo blinks up at the sun. It's halfway across the sky from where it was earlier. They exhale.

[astupidweeb69]

Unrequited (Yandere! Ticci Toby x Reader) Part 5

Next Chapters: Part 6, Part 7

Links to Previous Chapters: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, & Part 4

Author's Note: Well, I finally added Kate. I don't know how most people interpret her character, so I kind of used my own take on it. I’m thinking she’s probably around 26-27 years old, while Toby is like 20-23? And Tim and Brian are somewhere in between.

I just wanted some evil women to be in this too. And idk if her “advice” makes sense to everybody, but I know a lot of people who are around Kate’s age, and most of them HATE texting. I’ve received lectures similar to what she says so many times in my life lmao.

And this chapter may feel a bit rushed but… let’s just say it’s because I’m very excited to write the plot I set up for the next one. Cross-posted on my Ao3 account.

Warnings: Swearing. Brief descriptions of self-harm (like punching walls? idk if that counts). Sexual themes towards the end. (3,086 words).

*****************************

 Toby was furious.

 His thoughts were incoherent, an angry whirlwind of emotions. Nothing went the way he’d planned.

After he left your home, he marched back to the cabin to process what had happened. Of course, that only ended with him trashing the place. He screamed at nothing, threw everything in sight, and punched holes in the walls until finally, his body gave out.

Now he sat on the floor, back up against the wall, panting to catch his breath. For the first time in a long time, he felt tears threatening to form.

 You had rejected him.

 You didn’t feel the same.

 He was sure you had been flirting back with him. Every glance you took in his direction, all the times you made contact with his skin. He genuinely thought he’d picked up on some clever hint to kiss you. To make a move. A grand gesture of romance.

But he was wrong.

He fucked up.

And then he made the mistake of trying to call your “bluff”. Which only made you angrier.

The shock of being yelled at had been too much for him to deal with. And he reacted like he always did in those types of situations. With wrath. How could you possibly trust him after this?

Oh god, and you’d seen his face.

That horrific scar.

His heart tightened at the memory. He could barely breathe.

Fuck.

He needed to talk to you again.

If he just explained himself and apologized, you’d come around, right?  Give him another chance? It was only a misunderstanding. A tiny blip in what would become an intense love affair between the two of you. Something you’d both laugh at later down the road.

Toby shakily got up from the wooden floor, still exhausted from the outburst. Where was his phone? He had to find it immediately.

Frantically, his eyes scanned over every surface that it could be on. Did he throw it at one point? He couldn’t remember.

Tossing aside a few pillows, he finally recognized the black case on the ground.

The screen was cracked. Relief washed over him when the tiny monitor lit up; it still worked.

There was your name in his contact list, along with a couple others, but your conversation was the only one saved. The only person he wanted to form a real emotional bond with.

His fingers started to type on their own. Toby needed to resolve the issue as soon as possible. He couldn’t take it anymore.

‘I’m sorry about tonight’

The first text. It needed to be an apology. He needed to start off by admitting his fault.

‘I have trouble controlling my feelings. And I get scared when I’m rejected. I like you SO much (Y/N). I feel like such an ass, especially for scaring you. I don’t want you to be scared of me. Please please please give me another chance. I’ll make it up to you I swear.’

He waited for your response.

It didn’t come.

No.

This wasn’t happening.

It couldn’t be happening. He had to see you again. You HAD to be in his life in some way.

Toby paced around his home, chewing on his cheek. Blood gushed down his face from the gnawed flesh.

You were just busy right now. Probably talking to your friend.

That must be it.

You wouldn’t just ignore him like this. After all the moments the two of you shared together, he must’ve meant something to you.

 The phone buzzed.

 A reply.

 ‘Thank you for the apology, but there’s no way for me to know if it’s sincere. I feel like you could be using it to guilt me. I just can’t believe what you say Toby, and I think it’s better for both of us if we don’t see each other again. I wish you the best, and hopefully, you can learn from this in the future.’

His heart stopped.

 ….Oh God no.

 “NO! NO! NO!” He punched the wall next to him until his knuckles bled, painting the plaster with red streaks. “YOU CAN’T! YOU CAN’T! You… can’t…”

He started to cry.

Now the floodgates opened, and an ugly sob came from the boy. Curling up on a ratty couch, Toby shoved his face in the cushions to muffle the sounds.

He never did learn how to manage his feelings properly. He knew that there was some kind of mental illness that made it difficult for him. His fucked-up head, he thought bitterly. Controlled by The Operator and controlled by his disorders. There was always something preventing him from having people in his life.

Would he always be this lonely?

 Bang!

 Bang!

 Bang!

 Someone pounded on the front door.

 Toby peeked his head up from the sofa.

Who could that be?

Shit. He hoped it wasn’t Tim. That was the last person he needed to see in this state. But he had to talk to whoever it was in case there was a job.

A grin settled on his face.

Actually, that wasn’t a bad idea.

A little sadistic fun never hurt, well at least not him anyways. It could help him relieve some of these thoughts. Take them out on somebody else.

Maybe this would prove to be a good thing.

The door swung open, the visitor being too impatient to wait any longer.

Long matted dark brown hair that was almost black, hazel eyes, camping gear strapped to the back.

It was Kate.

“Toby! You home? Sorry, I let myself in I-” She stopped mid-sentence, noticing the mess surrounding her, dark stare settling on the culprit.

“Holy shit what happened here?” She let out a worried laugh. “It looks like a tornado came through. Are you okay? Did you have another episode?”

The older proxy dropped her bags and walked over, kneeling to get a better look at his condition. Toby was slumped over, sluggishly sitting up, refusing to look directly at her. Ashamed to be seen in such a vulnerable way.

Kate was the nicest person he had in his life. Besides you. After all, she was still a proxy.

The problem was that she was hardly ever around. Unlike him, or even Tim and Brian, Kate never settled down in one place for long. She was nomadic, carrying all her earthly possessions in a backpack. Being the fastest and most agile proxy, it was easy for her to hunt individual trespassers and take them down, so she was almost always on the job.

However, once in a blue moon she would stop in to see him. Kate and Toby had a somewhat strong connection. Not unlike how Tim and Brian were attached to each other, and while Brian could be nice to Toby at times, he mostly did it out of necessity. Kate, on the other hand, was kind to Toby in ways that reminded him of his older sibling. Not that he liked comparing her to Laura… or was it Lyra? Sometimes he had a hard time remembering the name. That’s what his journal was for.

“Do you want to talk about it? I won’t make fun of you. No matter how tempted I am.” She sat down next to him, rubbing his back reassuringly.

Toby took a shaky breath, comforted by the gesture. “I-I… fuh-fuck… give me a suh-second…”

He didn’t know how much to share with her. He didn’t want to put you in any danger, and while Kate may have been nice to him, there’s no telling how she’d react to learning about his obsession with a “human”.  

She was more… fanatical when it came to serving The Operator.

Different proxies had different levels of devotion to the being, as well as their own unique reasons for serving it. Brian was more apathetic, not caring one way or the other, viewing it like any other profession. Something to train for and do well. Tim was more complex, a mixture of apathy, fear, and at times enthusiasm, mainly when in the act of killing.

Most proxies had no memory of their past lives, no ways to connect to whoever they were before. That’s why it was easy for them to refer to anyone who didn’t serve The Operator as only being “humans”. It was a way to completely remove themselves from the species, to look at them as nothing but an inconvenience or a tool to gain favor with the malevolent entity dictating their lives.

But Toby was a special case. He could still remember. He hadn’t been a proxy for as long as the others and could still picture the faces of his mother and sister. He even knew what his shithead father looked like, especially after he hacked him to pieces. These were the reasons he found it hard to go on. Pretending to everyone that he didn’t resent The Operator’s control at times. That he never longed to try to have a normal life. Maybe kill the occasional abusive dad he might come across. But other than that, be an average everyday person.

And here you came along. An answer to his prayers.

But things were complicated now.

 He needed advice.

 “I muh-may have… messed up?”

Kate snorted. “Okay… wanna try being more specific maybe?”

Toby picked at the skin of his hands, peeling the areas around his nails.

“I sort of... luh-like somebody…” He trailed off.

It’s not like it was uncommon for proxies or killers to date and hook up with each other. Although everyone knew Toby never had any luck with the others in that department. But despite that, if he kept the conversation vague enough… it should be fine.

“Oh shit! Really?” Caught off guard, the brunette quickly tried to dial it back. “I mean…wow. I didn’t really expect that… who?”

Did he really have that bad of a reputation within their group that it was this much of a surprise to her? It was a little insulting.

“I don’t want to say.” Toby snapped. His temper was starting to get the better of him. And he didn’t want to share any sensitive information.

Luckily, Kate never took what Toby did personally. “Okay- you don’t have to tell me… but watch your tone young man.” She joked.

“Suh-sorry. I’m just really upset. We had a fuh-fight and I don’t know what to do.” He felt like a kid asking their mom for help. But he was desperate.

Toby couldn’t stand the idea of you walking around hating him. Sure, his plans included taking you back to his home, most likely by force, but he thought he would’ve had more opportunities for you to get to know him in a more… conventional way.

“Have you apologized to this… person?” Kate asked, carefully choosing her words. Picking up on how defensive he was being.

“Yeah! I duh-did and-“

She interrupted, “Wait. Did you do it in person or over text?” There was a sternness in her voice at the question. Like Kate was already accusing him of doing something wrong.

“Over text….” He admitted.

“See, that was your first mistake. If you’re going to have an important conversation with someone you need to have it in person. Otherwise, things can get lost in translation. You should speak to them face to face and apologize formally.”

The younger proxy tilted his head, “What if they duh-don’t want to see me?”

Kate sighed. “Well… sometimes you just have to show up. I mean, imagine trying to explain a misunderstanding to someone like Jeff over text…” She paused, scrunching up her face. “Well, that’s not a good example. You would have to call him or else he’d try to stab you. But you know what I mean. People like… us … are quick to just remove people from our lives if we’re hurt. But with our jobs, every connection with other killers or proxies needs to be maintained. Especially since The Operator demands it. So, you should go and see them…. when you’ve calmed down, of course.”

It was clear the brunette was applying her own work experiences to giving Toby guidance. Kate was always well-liked, and in a group full of murderers and malicious beings with untreated mental illnesses, that was no small feat.

But regardless, her explanation made sense. Even though Kate didn’t understand the full context of what happened, her advice probably still applied, right? Sure, you weren’t a killer, but Kate had the best grasp on how to handle disputes out of anyone he knew. If you just took the time to see how sorry he was, and all the effort he was putting in to fix the relationship, then you’d have to forgive him.

“Thuh-thanks. I’ll make sure to do that. I feel like shit that we huh-haven’t gotten the chance to see each other in a while and this….” Toby gestured vaguely to their surroundings. “Is what you fuh-find.”

Kate smiled. “Don’t worry, I get it.”

The fact that it was her that showed up today was very convenient. She was one of the few people who knew Toby well enough to calm him down.

It was almost too convenient.

He narrowed his eyes, looking out the cabin window. Was his boss around? “Anyways, I nuh-never asked you why you’re here.”

“Well, I figured I was long due for a bath. And I wanted to see my favorite proxy. Why, not happy to see me?” She huffed, feigning offense.

“Nuh-no! That’s not it. I just wuh-wasn’t sure if there was a job or something we needed to do.”

The brunette’s eyes glinted with admiration, flashing a small yet strangely sinister smirk. “It’s good you take our work seriously. It’s always best to have The Operator smiling favorably upon us.”

Toby shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Sometimes she spoke like a weird cult member. It made his skin crawl, reminding him that despite her soothing demeanor around her peers, Kate could be one of the most brutal and wild killers when carrying out their boss’s orders. Maybe that’s why she always stayed in the forest.

“I’ll be out of your hair in an hour or two. Sadly, there aren’t any sacrifices to make today. I hate having nothing to do.” She grumbled the last part before getting up to grab her bag. “Mind if I take that shower now?”

“No, guh-go right ahead. Not like I pay the water bill for this puh-place.” Toby quipped, shrugging his shoulders with a crack of his joints.

When Kate left the room, he mulled over what actions he needed to take next. Everything was just “lost in translation” as the older proxy said. His mistake was only in how he delivered his apology.

There was hope for him after all. This could be fixed and then you and Toby could be together again. Have the life he knew you two could have.

After everything subsided and he felt at ease, his mind wandered to that passionate kiss he had shared with you. Sure, in retrospect he definitely shouldn’t have done that, but it was nice in the moment. How your lips felt against his, your warm body squirming under him.

It was electric.

If only things had gone well, if you didn’t find him so… repulsive now. Maybe he could’ve taken things further. But there was always time for that later. When he had more time to convince you that he was made for you.

Your mind as well as your body.

 … Especially body.

 He grinned, getting up to stretch out his muscles. Today was more exhausting than usual after the rollercoaster of feelings he’d gone through. Toby needed rest, and once he felt more confident, he’d pay you a surprise visit. Bring some sort of peace offering. Weren’t guys supposed to give flowers when they wanted to be forgiven? Like those crappy husbands who cheat on their wives.

Not that he wanted to be lumped in with those dudes.

Toby made his way to his room, making sure the door was locked behind him. Even though he trusted Kate, he didn’t want to take any chances.

He could still hear her showering and she would probably be a while. She wasn’t the most hygienic person.

Not that he was one to talk, but he didn’t like having that much blood and dirt caked on him for too long. Kate, however, didn’t seem to mind it. Toby had been assigned on a weeklong mission with her once and as soon as she got “in the zone” the older female was practically feral. Showers just weren’t in her vocabulary at that point.

Lying on his bed, he opened his phone to look through his camera roll. Something he did routinely now before trying to fall asleep… for many reasons.

It was full of photos he’s taken of you over these past months.

Having an outdated phone never really bothered him before, but now he wished he had one that could take better pictures. Especially the ones he took at night. Those always come out too grainy.

Unconsciously, a wistful smile tugged on the corners of his mouth. He couldn’t help it. It always happened when he saw you. He scrolled through each photo, taking in every part of you he managed to capture. His mind had almost everything memorized.

“(Y/N)…” He whispered.

Sometimes he just liked to say it. Simply enjoying the sound. How it tasted with every syllable.

Now that he had time to relax, it occurred to him how surprising his argument with you had gone. Every day there was something new he was learning about you. You were actually kind of brave, even if it was to the point of being stupid. But you had stood up to him when he’d lost his cool. Him. A murderous proxy. A serial killer. You didn’t know that, but it was still obvious he could overpower you.

Yet thinking of the passion and determination in your eyes as you stared him down made him shiver with delight.

He loved it.

Toby could feel himself growing tired, lazily flipping through a couple more photos before he’d call it a night.

He stopped.

A picture of you undressing in front of your bedroom window.

Your underwear even matched that day.

His cheeks reddened, a familiar feeling stirring in the pit of his stomach.

He reached a clammy hand into the case of his pillow, retrieving a pair of plain black panties he’d stolen from your house.

 He figured he could stay awake a little longer…

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

What Representing Men in Divorce Taught Me About Fatherhood | Marilyn York

I'm six years old, and all I can think about is getting the pink Barbie Corvette! I need five more dollars. Luckily for me, it's Easter, and I know that my dad always hides one coveted five-dollar egg. I also know the best egg is the hardest to find.

This year, I'm ready! Before long, I spot it, right in the middle of my sweet '70s swing set pole! You know, the one that runs along the entire top of the set. I scramble to get the ladder and the yardstick and duct tape it to a broom handle.

I fish it into the pipe, and I shove at it hard. It flies out the other side, and by the time it hits the ground, I'm waiting above it like an expectant father.

The egg cracks open and inside … is the very opposite of my grand prize. Instead, a perfectly formed dog turd rolls out.

I burst into loud hysterics. At the same time, my father explodes with laughter. I run as fast as I can to my room, but he's not far behind.

It's time for one of his talks. "Honey, it was clear that you already learned the important life lesson: the harder you work, the better the payoff. So, it was time that you learned another valuable lesson: sometimes, no matter how hard you work, you just end up with shit!"

And who better to teach just this sort of hard-hitting, direct, and painful life lesson to six-year-old me than my father?

I'm a divorce attorney. I've been practicing for over 20 years. I began in Los Angeles, but I've owned my firm in Nevada since 2001. My firm has a particular sub-specialty: men's rights. My nine female employees and I specifically represent men in divorce and custody battles.

And guess who runs the business end of my law firm? My father.

In my practice, we've represented over 2,000 men, 650 of whom are fathers.

My expertise not only comes from my career but just as much from my personal life. I'm a mother. My children are 23, 15, 12, and barely 3. They come from two different mothers and three different fathers. Hooker!

Let me explain. I helped my ex-husband raise our 23-year-old son, whom I didn't birth, from age 5. I share custody of my 15-year-old daughter with the same father. My 12-year-old son sadly lost his father to suicide when he was just 7. And my 3-year-old is being raised at home with his father and me. I literally live my work every day!

So, what has 20 years of representing men in family law while living my own reality show as a wife, mother, and daughter taught me about fatherhood?

Allow me, if you will, to start with the second thing I learned about fatherhood: men parent differently than women. Big surprise! But their influence is crucial in the development of their children. Do you know any mom in the world who would put dog shit in an Easter egg?

Okay, maybe that's a good thing. Let me better demonstrate this point from my legal experience.

When getting my father clients ready for court, I prepare them for this kind of interrogation:

"Who's your children's doctor or dentist?"

"What's the name of your school principal or even their teacher?"

"What grades did they get on their last report card?"

Nine times out of ten, they miss the majority of these questions. Seriously. Does this mean they don't care or love their children as much? I bet it makes you wonder.

But please, hold your judgement. Here are the questions that my father clients can easily answer:

"If your son could be a superhero, what would his power be?"

"What kind of monsters do your kids fear?"

"How high does your daughter feel comfortable flying in a swing?"

"What makes your son feel defeated?"

Yet, in my experience cross-examining hundreds of mothers in family court, these are the harder questions for them.

Most of us know, motherhood brings with it a sixth sense and an unspoken bond to our children. But what about fathers? Even fathers feel insecure about this reality. After representing 650 fathers, I can count on one hand those that felt secure in their instinctive role and significance to their children.

What's interesting is my anecdotal legal experience suggests otherwise. In 20 years of practice, I've had over 100 men take a paternity test - like Jerry Springer. Seriously. Do you know how many were wrong in predicting their biological relation to the child? Two.

This shocked me and taught me my third lesson: fathers, too, have a genetic bond and instinct about their children from infancy.

Forget where you are for a moment, seriously, and close your eyes. I'd like to ask you to feel. Think about your childhood. Picture your father, his smiling eyes, his strong hands. Hear his deep voice. What did you love about your dad? Did he throw you high into the air? Teach you to ride a bike? Carry you home when you got hurt? Push you when you tried to give up? What did it feel like to have a daddy? Secure? Fun? Challenging?

Now, go back in your memories and erase your father from every scene. This is what the other 40 percent of people's childhoods look like.

Just under half the people listening to me, including my own 12-year-old son, felt sad, angry, or blank during the peak of your joy, while playing along. Eye-opening, isn't it?

Nearly two of every five children in America are growing up without their fathers, or 17 million, according to the 2016 census. Other sources estimate as many as 30 million.

In 2011, I joined the board for a local charity called Nevada Youth Empowerment Project, or NYEP. NYEP is a housing program for homeless girls ages 18 to 24. As board president of this small charity, I've been closely involved and gotten to know the girls and their tragic stories over the years. Hundreds of otherwise homeless girls have come to our program. Their backgrounds and what they have endured would haunt you.

Do you know the one thing all of these girls have in common? They all come from fatherless homes. Sadly, these girls aren't the exception; they're the rule.

My fourth lesson about fatherhood came from the data. According to the Center for Disease Control, children from fatherless homes account for 90 percent of all homeless and runaway kids, 71 percent of high school dropouts, and 63 percent of youth suicides.

While you listen to me speak, you have to be wondering, "What makes fathers so crucial?" Honestly, the answer is complex and better explored by psychologists. What I can tell you is that the data unequivocally tells us fathers are vital and yet laws and society undervalue their importance, making it harder for them to be in their children's lives. Even fathers underrate their own value.

I know this data upsets a lot of mothers, me included. But advocating for fathers isn't about diminishing mothers.

While children deserve both parents whenever possible, this crisis is specific to fathers. The occurrence of fatherlessness is epidemic, the effects are catastrophic, and the causes are male gender specific.

Nearly 30 years ago, leading child psychologist Michael Lamb reminded us: "Fathers are the forgotten contributors to child development." Yet, researchers have found that children with involved fathers have stronger cognitive and motor skills, elevated physical and mental health, become better problem solvers, and are more confident, curious, and empathetic.

Sadly, we've had this data for 30 years, and fatherlessness has only continued to rise during this time.

The main contributors to fatherlessness are divorce and out-of-wedlock births. Every 13 seconds, someone in America gets divorced. That equates to almost 2.5 million divorces a year. Lucky me!

Currently, more than 40 percent, or 1.5 million babies, are born out of wedlock each year in the US.

And this brings me back to the first and most significant thing that my career has taught me about fatherhood: family court is one of the critical places where fathers are disadvantaged, and this hurts kids.

Historically, this maternal preference was solidified in the tender years doctrine, which mandated custody of children under age four be awarded to mothers. This doctrine was in use until the 80's.

As the laws progressed, visitation for fathers improved, but it took a lot of years before the law was finally gender equal. In fact, it wasn't until 2017 that Nevada finally adopted a presumption for joint physical custody.

When I began my practice, and until 10 years ago, the best my father clients could expect was every-other-weekend visitation and maybe a dinner on the off week. While significant legal progress has been made, this long-standing bias against fathers still occurs in the enforcement of custody orders, in child support rulings, and it exists in paternity laws.

All the while, the number of kids growing up without dads continues to rise. Between 1960 and 2016, the percentage of children growing up with just mothers nearly tripled, from 8 to 23 percent.

Paternity laws desperately need more reform to protect the 40 percent of children born out of wedlock each year in the US.

Right now, once custody has been ordered, it's illegal to remove a child from their father - usually a felony. But it's perfectly legal, in all 50 states, for a woman to conceal her pregnancy, leave the father's name off the birth certificate, and never tell him he has a child, ever! How is this not kidnapping?

Just as horrible, a woman can knowingly list the wrong father in a child's birth certificate, deceive him, and a short while later, in many states, the wrong man becomes that child's legal father forever. He's obligated to a child that isn't his. And that child just lost their real father with little to no recourse. This is a betrayal of the worst kind. And the law not only allows it, it creates the opportunity.

This is what we know. Every bit of data we have tells us children need their fathers! The law, its application, and society at large disfavor fathers. The law is improving, but the statistics are not.

So, what can you do? We are the change makers, all of us.

If you're a father, make the effort, do everything you can to be in your children's daily lives.

If you're a mother, encourage and facilitate the relationship between your children and their father instead of trying to interfere or control it.

If you're a child, spend time with your dad, ask him to do something, seek his advice and guidance.

If you're an employer, grant the fathers you employ the ability to be at their children's events, to help in their schools, to take sick days to care for their kids.

If you work in the legal field, help us continue to progress, change the laws, and ensure that they're enforced to protect fathers and their children.

The importance of this pursuit cannot be overstated. The fate of nearly half of America's children depends on it.

I'd like to close by asking all of you to do one final thing. Please, stand if you are able or raise your hand - I'm serious, please - if you grew up without a father, if you raised or are raising a child without a father, or if you are a father who's been separated from your child.

Now, look around: the people really affected by fatherlessness. Really, look. Those of you standing and raising your hands aren't numbers. You're real living and feeling humans. You're the children scarred by fatherlessness.

Now let me tell you who can't stand.

The 1,000 fatherless children who were murdered last year.

The 3,000 fatherless children who died from drugs.

The 3,200 fatherless children who committed suicide last year.

And the 14,000 fatherless children who were incarcerated.

Everyone, please, stand for them! And do everything you can to help the remaining 17 million fatherless children avoid these fates.

Thank you.

==

The statistics on fatherlessness and the impact on development and society as a whole are remarkable. And we've known about them for decades.

https://www.baltimoresun.com/opinion/bs-xpm-2014-10-08-bs-ed-child-custody-20141008-story.html

The negative impact on our children is dramatic. For instance, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the U.S. Department of Justice and the U.S. Census Bureau, children raised by single parents account for: • 63 percent of teen suicides, • 70 percent of juveniles in state-operated institutions, • 71 percent of high school dropouts, • 75 percent of children in chemical abuse centers, • 85 percent of those in prison, • 85 percent of children who exhibit behavioral disorders • And 90 percent of homeless and runaway children.

If you worked on just fatherlessness, you'd do more good for kids - including and especially black kids - than any bogus woke "systemic racism" campaigns.

[ Source: Pew Research ]

Of course, activists don't want to do anything, both because it undermines their grand oppression narrative by admitting that there are other problems, and because it means the problem could actually recede and make their activism and ideology obsolete.

You might wonder who would be against shared parenting by default. NOW, the National Organization for Women, has spent decades fighting shared parenting bills.

"[Presumptive joint custody] creates an unparalleled opportunity for belligerent former spouses to carry on their personal agendas or vendettas through the children -- and with the blessing of the courts." -- NOW Executive Vice President Kim Gandy.

That is, fathers only want custody of their children to harass and control their ex. According to the experience of an activist.