#aka myself because nobody will read this

[sandyspaghettibag]

to follow up on my little string of insanity from last night (i was falling asleep in bed doing the last one skldfjlasdkjfldsakjfds) I've promised myself two things:

don't do drugs

truly love the person who takes your virginity

learn to be a good friend before doing ^ THAT

i really don't want to ever leave the person who takes it, but i know life doesn't always work like that, so i'm at least going to save it for someone i truly, truly love and trust… i mean i sure hope i'm gonna trust the person i love enough to literally put my penis into for the first time. point is: i'm not frying my brain with drugs and i'm not frying my heart with a loveless sex. i don't care if i have to wait until i'm 30. fr!!! everyone tells me "do it now you're gonna regret it later when you're too old to have fun" because THEIR lives are so sexual. i am having fun, i'm having fun getting my heart broken by the same guy over and over, stfu

honestly it's kinda badass to stay a virgin after literally being given more than one chance already. like i JUST passed the age of consent first of all, and i'm a patient ass bitch, i dunno why everyone thinks i want to immediately do orgies, like… is that a normal human thing, it doesn't sound as fun as people make it sound. (maybe i need to reevaluate my past experiences with anhedonia cause i'm really talking about gay sex parties as "boring" omg), but the IDEA is… i've been given multiple chances and i've turned them down, and apparently that's "bad". bitch i can buy a fleshlight if i want to go buck wild with sticking my dick in something, why would i be that vulnerable in front of someone i don't even know, let alone love?

btw i am NOT asexual in any way, shape, or form. i will indeed see a hot guy in target and think "damn i'd bend him over", but my thought process is that i would doll him up and buy him flowers and THEN bend him over and do absolutely filthy things to him. and it's not like it would be a turn-off to have sex without any love attached, like… it's literally sex, of course i'm not gonna get turned off, i'm human. but sex while knowing this person is likely just going to get up and go afterwards will never compare to getting kinky and crazy with someone who you love. maybe this is why i'm so weird about romance too man.

[viviennelamb]

In The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ by Saint Anne Catherine Emmerich, what stands out is that the accusers said Jesus was lying about being the Son of God and started whipping him, kicking him, stomping on him, pushing a crown of thorns into his head, crucifying him in the end... they had to keep drinking wine to remain in their sadistically cruel mindset which reflected as their bone-chillingly sick actions in the material world.

I have zero sympathy for the weak which are those who succumb to their lower nature. Those who allow their minds to be compromised by filthy vibrations think they're superior for being doped up and mind-numbingly ignorant.

This information will only work for the totally sober and innocent:

Find a spiritual bodyguard. People who are on any type of drug will find any reason to go against you, especially if you tell the truth and are helping individuals who are actually the most oppressed in this hellhole (hint: it's not heterosexual women who suck dick and create the patriarchy - that is a conspiracy they are literally conspiring in).

Druggies only believe in the hell they have created for themselves and want to fan their anti-chaste, anti-lesbian, anti-God flames onto those who are beautiful. It's up to you to choose to believe truth or lies but know that the accusers pretended they were the victims of Jesus while nailing him to the cross... People who work day and night to implant fear in others have an agenda while those who direct you to Truth display nothing but Divine Radiance.

Drug and sex addicts purposefully incite emotionality within themselves by destroying their brains, inducing states of psychosis to justify their mistreatment of the genuine. I've noticed that people who do drugs are drawn to each other and listen to each other's crackpot theories and create conspiracy theory maps that don't make any sense when life is simple: the more pure you are of mind, body and soul, the closer to God you are. Individuals intoxicated with negative energy are not worth any value other than a painful lesson that will only be destroyed.

Once you read their drivel, you are accepting that into your consciousness. God help you if you get high then read their bullshit and then wonder why you're paranoid and want to commit self-annihilation. Inner and outer calmness through purity (i.e. being completely and totally You without any additions or subtractions) is key to improving one's health, not the belief in useless philosophies. Depending on a drug won't get you anywhere except a one-way, ticket to Satan Consciousness while satanic drivel is incomprehensible to a clean mind...

If you want a spiritual bodyguard, I recommend the Immaculate Living Saint Olivia who will protect you when you think of her, especially if you're an actual lesbian (and not a predator feminist pretending to be one). If my posts make you feel better and help you clear your mind of the doped-up delusions of the masses keep reading, but choose somebody who is fully God-Realized and resonates with you and meditate on their blissful message.

My inspiration comes from God, Guru and all Saints, but please remain vigilant of distractions that make you feel wrong for choosing love over fear. Drug addicts are fickle, going back and forth between these two frequencies and it's not worth involving yourself in their superstition. Although I'm not like other false spiritualists who value lust, one thing I will never do is implant fear (or the path to fright through lust) into your mind. Individuals who incite fear into you are not on your side, they are projecting so they have company in misery.

Only accept information from people who make you feel protected and that aura will follow you around protecting you. If you feel Satanists can protect you, so be it. The more conspiracies you read, the more fearful you become, it will manifest in your life and the more you will want to use drugs and other forms of self-abuse to escape it. If you're done with pointless masochism let go of everything that makes you weak and begin exercising your spiritual hardiness so you become spiritually immovable!

[m4tthewmurd0ck]

COMING SOON!!!

Mob!Bucky Barnes x Fem!Ballerina Reader

(I do my best to be as non-descriptive as possible, but I do use she / her and mention that reader is a ballerina)

Inspired by the question: Have you ever tried to eat at a restaurant, which happened to be a mafia / mob front, but you didn’t know that, and everyone inside just stared as you walked in because nobody actually eats there?

I FINALLY decided what I want my first piece back to be and I’m so excited shdiznejfns it’s very funny if I do say so myself. Once I got the idea I rushed and typed it on my phone and I already KNOW there are so many spelling errors because I have auto correct turned off and right now it looks like shit hahdndisfn. BUUUUT I just need to give it a quick read through / fix errors on my laptop and we’ll be good to go! Full preview below the cut :)

It had been Bucky’s idea to name the restaurant Tony’s. After their dear friend who had given his life in a war that should’ve never been fought.

It had been Peter’s idea to ‘open a restaurant’. He pointed out that it would be the perfect realistic cover, though Steve argued that they didn’t really need one. Everyone in Brooklyn and the neighboring cities knew who they were, why did they need to put up any sort of front?

In the end, Bucky sided with Peter. They needed a place to talk shop and handle business, and it had to be somewhere that the outside wouldn’t attract any trouble (aka law enforcement). A warehouse was too obvious and was practically begging to be raided. He agreed with Steve, though, in that everyone knew who they were and what their business really was. He pointed out that it was actually a good thing. It would be pretty obvious that the restaurant wasn’t a restaurant, and they wouldn’t attract actual customers. But they’d make it legit, so that they couldn’t be shut down. Like Peter said, they needed a realistic cover.

Within a month, Tony’s was up and running. Running, as in the lights were on during what would be deemed normal business hours. The door was kept locked, but that didn’t matter because as Bucky predicted, no one tried to actually eat there.

Until one day when rehearsal ran nearly 2 hours late. You were tired, exhausted mentally and physically, and you just wanted some comfort food before heading back to your apartment to enjoy the next 2 days off. Still somewhat new to the city, you decided to get off of the subway one stop earlier, and find a restaurant on your way home.

Luckily for you, a neon sign reading TONY’S caught your eye. Unbeknownst to you, there was a meeting going on inside, and someone had forgotten to lock the front entrance.

As you pushed the door open, you had no idea the events that were about to unfold.

💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💫💫

IF YOU’D LIKE TO BE TAGGED WHEN I POST FOR BUCKY, LET ME KNOW!!

[daughterofthequeen]

A New Diagnosis

Pairing: Joel Miller x autistic daughter!reader

Summary: I have an idea. Joel Miller x daughter!reader, based in the camps they had everyone in after the outbreak(so a couple days after Sarah’s death technically) and the reader is a high functioning autistic who stims. So when they get to the camp and because of all the stress she has been under, it’s causing her stimming to flare up like crazy. So Joel and Tommy had to beg and plead to the soldiers, trying to let them know she is autistic and she wasn’t infected, that she just can’t control her stims.

Warnings: Angst, crying, cussing, stimming(not really a warning but its in the story), overstimulated meltdown, denial, most likely inaccurate chain of command about construction work or construction jobs in general, might be a little ooc Joel in one scene I’m not completely sure but it feels like it and I hate it😠😤.

A/N: the reader symptoms and preferences are based on my own, which is also where this idea came from. Ever since the show came out I just wondered what did they do to the people with ticks and stims at the beginning of the outbreak. I mean they eventually had to come up with a way to tell a difference in the beginning of the outbreak before they had the infection detector things, right?

I honestly might rewrite this because I don’t know if I like how this turned out. Usually I’m pretty good at picturing what characters would say in a certain situation, but there’s one part of the fic that I’m not so sure about( you’ll know it when you read it I’m sure). But it’s crazy because I’ve been living like this since the ages of 4 or 5 and it still extremely difficult to describe stimming, even harder writing about it. But I wish I had a Joel Miller parent so I guess I’m projecting a bit in this fic. And this may also be longest fic yet.

So I decided to make this into two parts because I want this posted today because it was supposed to be out yesterday and I don’t want to wait any longer.

Mockingbird (Part 2)

Taglist: @miss-celestial-being @ilovemydinoboi @taraiel @distorted-twink @geralallfandoms @your-shifting-gurl @daemontargaryenwhore @mihstar

What started out as a regular day went to hell in the span of a couple hours. I mean homes being set on fire, families separated, innocents slaughtered due to the fear of a sickness they had no cure for. But I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I? Let’s start from the beginning. My name is (Y/n) Miller, and this is the story of how everything went to shit.

I was only 4.

As a kid you’re oblivious to almost everything, but sometimes a child’s behavior can reflect the type of day the family will have whether they realize it or not. And my attitude had been off all that week, until my father’s birthday aka outbreak day. I called it the calm before the storm. That week I was in an overall bad mood. All of my senses had been on high, being overstimulated plus the struggle of always being alone in school. I mean don’t get me wrong I use to talk to some of my classmates, but most likely than not I would’ve been playing by myself either from trying to avoid the bullies or because nobody wanted to play with me in general. But hey, you can’t miss what you’ve never had. I never really understood people, I still don’t but I had my family and they always made everything okay. They never made me feel different about myself. Regardless of me being only four, I understood that the repetitive behaviors were definitely not normal. Along with the what I now know as stimming; physical, vocal, scripting, ticking, etc. I could go on and on about everything that makes me different, but my family had always helped me feel normal. To be honest I didn’t start realizing I was doing all that stuff until one day my dad sat me down and asked me ‘what are you doing’ and ‘are you okay?’, which made me more self-aware. And then there was school, the weird looks and the mean jokes came into play. I’ve rarely caught my family staring, but I knew they were. Growing up and remembering the past helps you realize things you might’ve missed or didn’t understand as a kid. Like the concerned/confused stares I would catch my dad or uncle Tommy giving me before I was diagnosed. I just didn’t know what the looks were for. But the day my father finally decided something was indeed wrong, that it wasn’t just a phase, had him making an appointment to my clinic fast. It was the first time my stimming caused me serious pain. Well, from what I can remember anyway.

July 23, 2002 - Austin,Texas (Y/n is 3 years old)

The day started out like any other. I woke up in my sister’s bed, once I got my bearings I got out of the bed and headed down stairs to see my dad and my sister having one of their many daily debates

“I’m just saying your generations music has nothing on ours- (Y/N)!” After hearing Sarah saying your name, Joel turned around seeing you standing in the kitchen doorway rubbing your eye.

“Hey babygirl. Did you have a good sleep?” He asked as he turned off the stove top and went to pick you up.

“Mhm. I’m hungry, daddy.”

“That’s good because I just cooked your favorite breakfast.” He said as he kissed your cheek and sat you down in the chair across from Sarah, who got the two of you orange juice. Joel then went to grab the plates. There were eggs, sausage, french toast, and he sat a bowl of grapes next to you knowing how much you love them. You all started eating your breakfast. You went straight for the grapes and started eating them, until you spotted something that looked weird to you. Frowning, you push the bowl away and went to the food on your plate.

“Something wrong with your grapes?” Joel asked you noticing the way you frowned up.

“They dirty daddy.” Causing Joel to frown in confusion.

“Dirty? I just washed ‘em.” Joel leaned forward and grabbed the bowl and didn’t see anything abnormal about the grapes. The water in the bowl didn’t even black specs in it that grapes leave behind. “They look fine to me.”

“No. They dirty daddy, look.” Standing in your chair, you leaned over and pointed to a grape with a light brown streak on it and another where it was brown from where the stem was.

“Oh, that doesn’t mean they’re dirty, baby. Grapes just to look like that sometimes or because they’ve gotten older. That’s all.”

“Ew.” You mumbled.

“They’re gonna taste the same.” Joel said as he sat the bowl back down next to you.

“I don’t want them anymore.” You say pushing the grapes away.

“They’re fine, (n/n). I actually think the small brown areas actually make them sweater.” Sarah says trying to reassure her baby sister.

“No.” That was your final statement before you went back to eating the food on your plate.

“Ok, you don’t have to eat ‘em.” Joel states as him and Sarah go back to eating their own food.

———

“(Y/n)!!! Come back here!”

“No!”

“We go through this every time you use the bathroom!”

Sarah was currently chasing you around the house. A daily thing really, but for the last few months you have determined on not washing your hands after using the bathroom. And not with just Sarah. With Joel and Tommy too. Joel usually would have to keep a firm grip on you that disabled you from moving away from the sink, and to keep you from running or flailing your arms around as an attempt to keep him from making you wash your hands.

The first time that happened you guys were at a restaurant. He would be surprised if that whole side of the restaurant didn’t hear you,

“Daddy, I have to use the bathroom.”

“Ok.” Usually he would have Sarah take you but her and Tommy’s food had made it to the table. And since he was still waiting on his, there was no sense in stopping her from eating. He took you out of the high chair, and you two headed to the restroom. After the long process of putting toilet paper on the seat, he sat you on the seat and let you do your business. Once you were finished cleaning yourself up and him flushing the toilet, he waited for you to go towards the sink. But you headed towards the door instead.

“Don’t forget to wash your hands.” Joel said from his spot on the wall he was leaning on with his arms crossed.

Turning towards the sink, you clasped your hands to your chest, letting out a low groan of disgust.

“What is it?”

“I don’t want to touch it.”

“What the sink?” You nodded.

“You have to wash your hands, babygirl. Come on.”

“No.” You whined, and Joel knew then the two of you were going to have a problem.

“Babygirl, please.” He said in a pleading tone and tired tone.

“No!” Joel sighed then picked you up and held you over the sink as he usually would when washing your hands, but this time due to your decision of fighting and squirming in his arms, he had to get a gentle but firm grip on your hands to wash them himself.

“(Y/n).” That caused you to stop in your tracks. The sound was unfamiliar until your mind put together it was your father’s voice. He never says your actual name unless you were in trouble, and even then it would depend. But him calling your name was enough time for Sarah to scoop you up and head to the nearest sink which was the kitchen.

Sarah sat you down after she finished washing your hands. After getting free you pouted and went into the living room to continue playing with your toys before your bladder interrupted you. So invested in what you were doing, you didn’t even hear your Uncle Tommy come in the house.

“What’s for dinner today?” He teased, rubbing the top of yours and Sarah’s head as he passed by each of you.

“I don’t know you’ll have to ask this guy. He was supposed to go to the store but surprise, he didn’t.” Sarah says with a sarcastic smile towards her father who was going through bills. Joel head turned towards Sarah giving a bored look.

“We’re ordering pizza.”

“Fine with me.” Tommy states triggering Joel to role his eyes.

“Of course it is.”

Sarah went upstairs for the book the two of you were reading. To ‘keep her ahead of her future classmates’. While Sarah was upstairs, Tommy eyes trailed over to you, he smiled as he watched you in your own little world playing with your toys while talking to yourself. He watched you for a minute until he saw you stretching your neck. Normally he would’ve thought nothing of it until he realized it was happening constantly. At first they were only seconds apart, then you would stop for a few minutes and start again. There wasn’t an exact pattern, but he caught the rhythm of it.

“Buns neck been bothering her?”

“No.” Joel answered absentmindedly, still invested in the papers he wished he could use as a coaster without consequence.

“You sure?”

“Yeah I’m sure. Why wouldn’t I be sure?” Joel asked, getting annoyed by the fact he kept getting interrupted with his task.

“ ‘Cause she keeps stretchin’ it like it’s bothering her.”

Joel looks up at Tommy who had a slight worried look on his face. Joel then turns around in his chair to see what his brother was talking about. And true to his little brother’s words there you were stretching your neck and shoulder in a way that looks painful if he’s being honest. Joel turned back around to his brother with an equally concerned look. He leans closer towards him and lowers his voice before he started talking signaling Tommy to do the same.

“I don’t know why she does that, and every time I ask her if she’s ok she tells me she’s fine.”

“Maybe she has a crook in her neck.”

“No, if it was a crook we would know. She would be a lot worse. She tends to panic when she has one of those, and doesn’t do a lot of moving around. To stop the ‘bouncy feeling’. This. This is something else. And it’s been getting more frequent lately.”

“Frequent?”

“Yeah, this started a few months ago. It’ll leave and come back after a few weeks, but like I said it’s been happening a lot more often lately. She does it with her hands and wrist too.”

“Hm.”

Joel turned back towards his youngest. “Babygirl, you okay?” He said in a tone reserved for only you and Sarah when she’s upset about something.

You look up from your toys, bright innocent eyes finding your father’s concerned ones.

“Yeah.”

“You sure? Your neck not bothering you?”

“No.” You replied while standing up from your place on the floor and walked over to your father. When you got close enough he automatically picked you up and sat you on his thigh.

“Then why do you keep rollin’ it around honey?”

“I’m not.” Joel frowned in confusion. He’s clearly watching you do it so, either you’re lying for some unknown reason or you just don’t know that you’re doing it. But he’s always able to tell just by asking one question.

“Are you telling me the truth?” Simple, but it works. It was a question he would ask you every time he would think you were lying. And every time you answer you have a tell. When you tell the truth you tend to answer pretty confidently, but when you lie, you always fiddle with something whether it be your clothes, your fingers, or just bouncing your foot.

“Yes.” There’s no fidgeting. Covering up how even more confused he was in the moment he just nodded in understanding even though he didn’t.

“Ok baby, you want to go back to playin’ with your toys?”

“Yeah.” You replied getting down from your father’s lap before he even had the chance to put you down. Then you ran off to start back playing until Sarah came back down the stairs.

“(N/n), story time.” Hearing that you stood up and headed over to the couch with your sister. Before you sat down you picked up your stuffed bunny, Tommy got it for you when you were two. They used to use it to stop you from crying, but now you take it wherever you go. You laid down across the couch with Sarah and had your bunny in front of you in the same position you were to Sarah. She opened the book to where you two left off and started reading stopping at every few paragraphs to let you read.

Joel watched the two of you, his world. He would never understand how a mother would want to give this up.

“Have you thought about getting her checked out?” Tommy’s voice broke Joel from his thoughts.

“Checked for what?” Joel asked frowning at his brother.

“Joel, are you serious? Something could be wrong.”

“She’s fine, Tommy. She’ll grow out of it.”

“Grow out of it? Don’t you want to make sure?”

“Tommy, please.” Now Joel was lying. To himself especially. But that is understandable, what parent wants to accept that something may be wrong with their child. It was a scary thing to think about.

“What if it’s somethin’ wrong? Wouldn’t you want to get Bun’ the help she needs as soon as possible.”

“She doesn’t need help Tommy. I’m telling you she’ll grow out of it.”

“Joel-”

“Just let it go.” Joel whispered in a hardened tone, trying to keep his voice down so the girls wouldn’t hear that anything was wrong. “Look, would you order the pizza for tonight. I’m trying to finish up these bills.” Tommy mumbled a ‘sure’ and got up to make the call. He understood why Joel didn’t want to talk about that kind of stuff, what parent does? But knowing his stubborn nature he won’t act on it unless something happens that causes him to. After hearing the voice of the pizza lady on the line, Tommy uses it as a distraction to get his mind off his niece and his stubborn mule of a brother.

January 16, 2003 - 6:30am

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Sarah sat up with a soft groan and stretches, when she heard whining. She turned toward her sister who was hiding under the covers.

“Time to get up (n/n).” Sarah was about to stand up until she heard you cry out. She pulled back the covers to see you in a fertile position, hands covering your ears, eyes squeezed shut. “Come on (n/n), we- what’s wrong?” Sarah asked starting to panic seeing a tear fall from your eye.

“Too loud!” Sarah was confused for a second before she remembered the alarm was still going off. She quickly reached over to turn it off, and brought you into her arms. She laid you on her chest, rocking you back and forth while rubbing the top of your head, and she softly shushed you until you calmed down. When Sarah heard your cries turn into sniffles and looked down at you.

“You okay?” She asked softly rubbing the top of your head. She was confused as to why you reacted this way but, whatever the reason, it had her extremely worried. After seeing you nod your head she was able to relax, but she knew she still needed to tell dad about what just happened. Sarah got you up so, the both of you could start your morning routine. Everything went semi-smoothly, but that’s to be expected after your reaction to the alarm clock she’s not all that shocked about your agitated behavior. Sarah had just finished fixing your shirt when there was a knock on the bedroom door.

“Come in.”

“Hey, you girls almost ready?”

“Yep, we were just about to head down for breakfast.” Sarah stood from her kneeling position in front of you, letting you know that she was finished. And after going to tuck your bunny in bed you walked over to Joel.

“Unfortunately, you two are going to have to eat breakfast at school.” He said as he picked you up.

“Ew, why?” Sarah asked.

“Well your Uncle Tommy called and said there’s been an emergency at the house we’re working on so, when he pulls up we gotta go.” He grabbed your book bag and started down the stairs since you had decided to fall back asleep, not that he blamed you if he could he would have too. A minute later Tommy pulls up and surprisingly the Adlers weren’t outside, then again they were leaving a little earlier than usual. But, either way they didn’t have time to stop and talk. Sarah was dropped off first, then you. And it wasn’t until Sarah sat down in her first period class when she realized she forgot to tell her dad what happened this morning.

———

Time Skip

Normally, when school gets out you would ride home with Denise, due to her daughter going to the same school and Sarah’s school getting out 10 minutes after your school does. Then add another 20-30 minutes of her having to take the school bus then the city bus to get home. When Sarah makes it to the neighborhood she has to pass by Denise house to get to yours which is when she picks you up, but today didn’t work out that way. It started when Joel got a phone call from your school.

Joel and Tommy were currently managing the workers that were doing the framework of the building they were working on. Well Tommy was, Joel was trying to keep calm while talking to the construction manger.

“Look all I’m saying is we should be getting paid more since we’re working more hours than what we were told we would be working, don’t you think.” The construction manger has been going back and forth with Joel for about 10 minutes now, way too long for Joel’s liking.

“No, I don’t. Especially since the reason we’re in this situation is because you guys didn’t do your jobs right in the first place. You’re lucky you’re still gettin’ paid the amount that was agreed upon.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that if you and your guys spent as much time working as you do talking and taking breaks you probably would’ve done your jobs right the first time, and we wouldn’t be in this situation, or behind a day.” The manger didn’t take too kindly to that statement, and Joel was so close to losing his nerve until he was saved by the bell, literally. Right before he was about to tell the construction manager that he can stick it where the sun don’t shine, his phone started ringing.

Joel sighed while taking his phone out of the carrying case to see it was the preschool calling much to his confusion. He didn’t even notice the construction manager was still talking.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it up with Tommy.” He said while waving him off and answering his phone. “Hello.”

“Mr. Miller.”

“Yeah.”

“This is Elizabeth, (Y/n)’s teacher. We need you to come to the school.” Joel immediately sighs, dragging his hand over his face.

“What’d she do?” He replies in an exhausted tone. He never gets calls from your schools unless it’s to let him know he needed to bring a change of clothes for you. All the preschoolers have to have an extra pair of clothes that’s to be kept in the classroom just in case the kids have an accident or something. But you’ve been acting out a lot lately, and he wouldn’t be surprised if it was for something like that.

“It may be better for you to come up to the school so we can explain it to you face-to-face.” Joel didn’t like the way this was sounding. It was hard for him to pinpoint the emotion that was coming off her voice, which worried him more.

“Okay, I’m on my way.” He sighed while hanging up the phone. He walked over to Tommy who looks like he actually did tell the construction manager to shove it, going off the look on the of their faces. “Tommy, I need you to watch over everything here for a while.”

“What’s goin’ on?”

“That was (Y/n)’s school, they need me to go up there.”

“Is everything okay with bun’?”

“I don’t know her teacher wouldn’t tell me anything. I’m sure she’s fine, she probably just got into it with a kid in her class again.”

“Okay, call me when you find out what’s goin’ on.”

“I will. Alright I’m off, and make sure they actually do their job correctly this time.”

“I got it, go on.”

After that Joel made his way to the truck. Even though he says he’s sure she’s fine, he couldn’t help but worry about you. The tone of your teacher didn’t sound good at all. She sounded worried. And sad? Were you sick? He could deal with a common cold, but your teachers tone indicated something worse than that. And there has been a deadly virus going around the world, it hasn’t made it to America yet at least that’s what they’re telling everyone. But what if it has made it over seas? There’s no cure for it, and what if you had it? That couldn’t happen, to you or Sarah. He wouldn’t know what he would do if he lost one of you. No. Stop. That’s not going to happen. That would never happen. He hates when his mind gets like this, but as a single father the need to protect the two of you is the most important thing to him, and that makes him worry even more because that’s something he can’t ever fail at, and he doesn’t even want to think what’ll happen if he does.

He gets out of the truck and speed walks towards your classroom. He had gotten into his own head, but there’s something inside of him that’s telling him this is as serious as it feels.

“Mr. Miller.” He turns upon hearing his name being called, seeing your teacher standing in the doorway of the office.

“Where is she?” He asks as he makes his way to her. Once he got close enough he realized the tone in her voice wasn’t sadness, but pity? Why would she pity him, and where were you?

“She’s in the principals office. But! But before you go in we should probably explain what happened and why.” She said stopping him from brushing past her.

“What did she get into a fight with another kid or somethin’?” Joel ask impatiently.

“No-”

“Okay, then it can wait.” He moves to fast for her to stop and walks into the principals office to see you sitting in a chair with dried tear stain down your cheeks. He quickly kneeled in front of you gently grasping your hands in his.

“What’s wrong, babygirl. What happened?”

“I wanna go home.” You mumbled

“Ok, you want to tell me why?”

“Mr. Miller, we really need to talk to you.” The principal finally spoke up motioning to the officer hallway. He huffed as he stood up and followed the principal out, but not before he kissed your forehead and told you that he would be back.

“Okay, what’s so important that you had to drag me away from my daughter, who’s been crying? And why is she crying? I swear if that Richardson kid put her hands on her again-” He was annoyed with everyone at this point everyone besides you obviously, he just doesn’t understand why they couldn’t tell him while he comforted his daughter.

“We’re sorry, Mr. Miller. We just didn’t want to make her think that she was in trouble, we just got her to calm down.”

“So, she’s fine?”

“Physically, yes.”

“What? What does that mean?”

“Ms. Elizabeth?” The principal could he was getting upset so she found it best to let your teacher explain what happened.

“Mr. Miller.”

“Would y’all stop calling my damn name and actually tell what the hell’s going on with my daughter?

“Well (Y/n) has been in an agitated mood all day, but that’s not the problem. Uhm, the kids just got back from lunch about 30 to 40 minutes ago, and after they eat I usually let them have play time before I start their last lesson for the day before nap time. Today during play time (Y/n) had a little outburst.” Elizabeth knew she was beating around the bush, but that’s because she has heard this conversation happen many times with other teachers and parents and most often than not the parents don’t respond to well.

“Little outburst?”

“Well not really an outburst, but more of a meltdown. This is the special needs teacher, Ms. Thomson, and a friend of mine so I know what signs to look out for in a child. And (Y/n) has been showing these signs since the beginning of the year. They can be overlooked especially in girls and be seen as ‘normal’ and in a way it is. For her anyway.”

“What are you talking about? Signs for what?” Joel asked in frustrated tone.

Ms. Elizabeth look over at the special needs teacher to nervous to continue, and to make sure that she’s positive of (Y/n)’s condition. To which her friend responded with a nod.

“We think (Y/n) has autism. And before you say anything, the signs are all there. I’ve been watching her since her first day of becoming my student. And we highly recommend that she be tested.”

“What? She’s not autistic. I think I would know if my daughter had autism. Look at her, does she look autistic to you?”

“Autism doesn’t always have a look Mr. Miller, and just because she doesn’t have a physical disablement doesn’t mean she’ll be any less autistic than someone with one. That’s why we recommend getting her tested to find out how far she is on the spectrum.”

“You sound so sure that, that’s what it is. How did y’all come up with autism from her having a ‘meltdown’? And what do you mean by meltdown?”

“Well after I sent the kids to go off and begin playing I noticed (Y/n) hadn’t moved from the table, she just sat there, covering her ears with tears in her eyes. She had been in that position since they came back from lunch. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me the other kids were being too loud. But before I could offer a solution the students behind us started screaming louder than what they were, which triggered somewhat of chain reaction with the rest of the class, so I turned around make sure everything was ok but when I that’s when (Y/n) ran to the bathroom and locked herself in. I had to send the other kids to sit in a classroom with another teacher. (Y/n) was crying. Sobbing. When I unlocked the door she was sitting in the corner squeezing the sides of her head so hard it looked painful. All to try and block out the world because it was too much for her. It broke my heart to see her like that because (Y/n) is sweetest little girl I’ve ever met, and to see her in pain like, any child, it’s a hard thing to see. I had to wrestle with her a little to keep her from hurting herself, but I was able to get her calm enough to sit her in my lap and have her hold onto me while I called Ms. Thomson, who was able to calm her further until she reassociated with everything around her.

“Pain?” That’s when the special needs teacher finally decided to step in and say something.

“It’s called a sensory overload, Mr. Miller. It’s very common in the Autism Spectrum. It’s when someone on the spectrum becomes to overwhelmed with the world around them, and if they can’t find some kind of outlet from everything more than likely it’s going to cause a break down in one way or another.”

“That doesn’t mean she’s autistic-“

“Mr. Miller. Does (Y/n) walk on her tippy toes?

“Yeah, but all babies do that.”

“How does she act when she is in a large crowd or around someone she doesn’t know.” Ms. Thomson was completely calm while asking these questions. Knowing that getting agitated or saying something wrong could keep you from getting the help you need.

“The same as any other kid.”

“Does she get in mood where she doesn’t want to talk or just can’t talk in general?”

“Ok look, you’re only naming things all kids do.”

“Yes, but like every thing else on the spectrum there’s a line where it occurs more than it should. Let me ask you one more question Mr. Miller.

He doesn’t even reply he only took a breath to let her know he didn’t want to talk about the topic anymore. Still in denial, even after everything they just told him.

“Does she tend to twitch, or repeat her movements? Have you ever seen her stiffen or strain her body?” Joel didn’t even reply.

“Your silence speaks volumes Mr. Miller. Please, get her tested. It will help her make it in a society that wasn’t made for her. Giving her benefits she can use to even the playing field with neurotypicals. Don’t you think she deserves that?” Joel really didn’t want to accept this. Knowing that if you are autistic, you’ll face more difficulties in life. All because you were different. Difficulties you’re already facing, he just didn’t want to admit it.

“What do I need do to get her tested?” Joel asked after his little debate. All he can hope that the test comes out as negative, but that’s a long shot, given the special needs teacher already seems so sure, the test was just to confirm it.

Ms. Thomson who was smiling after hearing his agreement answered him. “Nothing, I already have an appointment set up for her with a neurodevelopmental pediatrician, who is also a good friend of mine. So, as soon as she finishes with the evaluation you will get the results. I just needed your approval.”

“Okay. Uh, thank you.”

“No problem.”

“Is it ok if I take her home?” Joel ask looking towards your teacher.

“Yes, I think that’s the best thing for her right now. Being in her safe space with all her things will help her get some much needed rest. I will write down the appointment information and what you’ll need for the evaluation and put it in her backpack for you.”

“Thank you.” After that Joel walked back into the office to see you playing with one of the pens on the principals desk in one hand and your head laying on top of the other. “Hey babygirl. You want to go home?” He asked as he kneeled in front of the chair, while making sure to keep his voice at a low level. Once you nodded he stood up, gently grabbed your hand, and the two of you went to get your bag and appointment information.

January 20, 2003 - 1:00 p.m.

Joel and Tommy were on their lunch break at a burger place when Joel’s phone started ringing. He cleaned his hands and took his phone out it’s carrying case before answering. “Hello?”

“Is this Joel Miller?” A woman’s voice.

“Yeah?”

“Oh, good. This is Tonia, the neurodevelopmental pediatrician that did (Y/n)’s evaluation.”

“Right, so what were the results?”

“Well, the documents are ready for you to come and get them, and I will break everything down once you get here, if you want.”

“Uhhhh yeah, I’ll be there in about 20-25 minutes.”

“Ok, see you then. Bye bye.”

“Bye. Get up Tommy, we gotta go.”

“I’m still eatin’”

“Tommy, bring it with you. Jesus.” Joel mumbled as he rolled his eyes at his younger brother.

They made it to the building, and Joel was doing his best to remember the way to the correct office while also trying to calm his anxious mind. When they made it to the office, Joel knocked on the door frame of the open door before walking in Tonia’s office.

“Here you go.” She said as she handed the papers to Joel who noticed it was about 15 pages.

“Wha-what am I looking at?” He asked looking up at the pediatric who let out a low chuckle, she gets the same reaction from almost all of the parents she encounters.

“Well first things first, I’ve concluded (Y/n) does have ASD. She is what we call a high-functioning autistic, and I came up with that diagnosis based on her teacher’s observations, your own, and from the activities I had her to do. The evaluation explains everything of what that means in detail like her sensitivity to sounds, her not liking to touch certain things, lack of social skills, etcétera.”

“So, what does this mean for her?”

“Well, she can stay in Ms. Elizabeth’s class, there’s no need to move her to the special needs class permanently. But she does have special education, and all that means is that Ms. Thomson will take her in her classroom to help her find ways to calm herself when she feels herself getting overstimulated. Or if she can’t and Ms. Elizabeth sees she is getting overwhelmed or she tells Ms. Elizabeth she’s getting overwhelmed they’ll send her to Ms. Thomson class or a quiet place for her to calm down. And maybe she’ll even have better luck with making friends in the special needs classroom than she does in her regular class. And education wise it means when she gets test she can go to a different classroom to take it and she’ll be able receive more time on any tests she has to take as well.” She looked up from her notes, making sure she got all the main checkpoints, but when she did Joel’s face told her everything she needed to know.

“Mr. Miller, the worst thing you can do for her is to feel bad for her. There’s no reason too.”

“No reason to? The whole point of this was to make sure she gets the help she needs to keep up with everyone else.”

“No, the reason for this was to make sure she had the help if and when she needs it. Academically (Y/n) is one of the smartest kids in her class, actually in her grade. It might take more effort, but she’s keeping up with her classmates. Some of the worst things you can do is pity her, hold her back due to being overprotective, or use it as an excuse to make her seem more fragile. I’m not saying she’s not going to have challenges because she is, but all you have to do is stay beside and make sure she keeps working at it till she gets it. And stay way from describing her condition as ‘slow’ or ‘retarded’. And you can’t punish her because of her stimming or overstimulated behavior. Not saying that you would! I mean- you just wouldn’t believe how many parents would get agitated and angry about things their child can’t control, but I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re attentive to her, and that’s something she’s going to need from you growing up.” Joel nodded in understanding still skimming through the evaluation packet.

“Thank you for doing this in such short notice.”

“No problem. She’s one of the sweetest kids I’ve met. And cutest.” That caused a smile to appear on Joel’s face. He hasn’t been able to smile much since Thursday, always thinking about you and the whole situation. Which has been weighing on his mind literally 24/7.

“Thank you for this, you have a nice day.” He said before turning around to leave out the office.

“You as well.” She replied also smiling at Tommy, who smiled and winked back, reaching his goal of getting her to laugh.

Joel barely made through the door before Sarah hit him with a “what’d she say?”

“Uhhh- where’s (Y/n)? And how’d you know she called?”

“She called the house phone first. And (Y/n) is upstairs, I just got her out the tub, which she didn’t like, at all.”

“She didn’t want to get out?”

“No, she didn’t want to get in. But she should be finished putting on her pajamas by now.”

“Ok, go get her and I’ll tell y’all the results.”

“Ok.” Sarah ran upstairs to get you, when you both got down stairs and sat on the couch, Sarah sat on the right side of Joel, and he picked you up and sat you on his lap tucking you into his side.

“How was school today, honey.” Joel turning his head towards you.

“Good. Ms. Elizabeth gave me headphones to put on my ears when everything got too loud again.”

“Did she? That was real nice of her.”

“Yeah. How was your day, daddy?”

“It was really good, babygirl. Thank you for asking.” The smile you gave him made his whole day. He thought back to what the pediatrician said about not pitying you because that’s not something you need from him. Looking at you now he realized she was right. He’s going to do his best to give you what you need. Whatever it may be, and he knows you’re going to grow into a smart and beautiful woman. He reached down and kissed your temple getting laugh out of you, a sound he would never get tired of.

Joel turned his towards Sarah, about to ask her how her day went stopped him before he started.

“My day was fine, the same. What did she say?” Joel paused for a second before he chuckled at her before pointing to the where he sat the evaluation.

“That’s the paper, she gave me that explains everything.” He blinked and Sarah had the papers in her hand, while she started reading he turned back to you to explain everything to you somehow.

“Ok babygirl. Do you remember test you had to take with the lady a few days ago?” After you nodded he continued. “You remember she told you it’s going let us know if you think differently than everybody else?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it turns out you do.”

“Is that bad?”

“No! No, no, no. It’s not bad at all, and don’t let anyone tell you that it is. Ok?”

“Ok.”’

“All it means is some things may be a little harder or more overwhelming to you than other people, but it also means better at other things too.”

“Like what?”

“Like being artistic, and solving puzzles. But it also means you can be smarter than others in your class. You may have to learn some things in a different way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be smarter. You already are. Ms. Elizabeth told me you were one of the smartest people in your grade.”

“She did!?”

“She did.”

“Wow.” You whispered in awe.

“Yeah, that’s a big deal, and daddy is so proud of you. You remember that, ok? No matter how big you get.”

“I promise, daddy.”

“Good. I love you babygirl.” He said, pressing another kiss to your temple.

“I love you too, daddy.” You said placing a kiss on his cheek.

“Awwwww, that’s so sweet. What are we eating for dinner? I’m hungry.” Sarah interrupted and Joel huffed out a laughed placing a quick kiss on her temple as well.

“I’m proud of you too baby.”

“I know, dad.” She said softly smiling.

“How about we go out for dinner? I really don’t feel like cookin’.”

“Fine with me. Come on (Y/n), let’s go put some clothes on.”

“Okay!” You said as you jumped up from Joel’s lap and ran off to catch up to your big sister.

A/n: Long story short the story was too long🤭🙇‍♀️😭 so I decided to split it into two parts. I hope you guys enjoy, sorry I took so long. But I love you guys for being patient, I really appreciate it.

[sharkboywrites]

"You're Just a Boy, You Are No Man, And Nobody You Know Will Understand"

TWST dorm leaders finding out stealth ftm reader is trans

Reader is a trans man and implied to pass, misgendering, mentions of dysphoria, reader is on their period in Leona and Malleus's parts, mentions of reader's chest (non sexual), can be read as platonic or romantic

A/N: The idea for the title is a lyric from "things to do" by Alex G. When I played twst I kinda just always saw myself, being yuu in game, as a stealth trans man, because why would they need to know I'm trans?

Riddle Rosehearts

It really hadn't been intentional when he found you changing, he was just suspicious as to why you didn't change in the boys locker room with every other student after gym. Of course this hot head doesn't tolerate any rule breaking and you weren't changing where you were supposed to! If you didn't feel comfortable then you could use a stall like everyone else!

After changing himself, quickly in order to catch you, he stormed off to find you and managed to catch a glimpse of you at the end of the hallway, entering a bathroom. Now he could have waited until you left the bathroom to confront you, but he decided that catching you in the act would be better and he could give punishment accordingly. (Yeah, to say he doesn't exactly think when he's mad is a fair assumption.)

What he hadn't expected was to walk in on you with no shirt, and you struggling with some type of bra-looking thing (man does not know what a binder is I'm sorry), and being the dignified man he is, let out a loud yelp, and walked back out of the bathroom as quickly as possible.

Standing outside of the bathroom waiting for you to finish, his mind raced. What did you have on? Why were you wearing that? Did he really just walk in on you changing? What was he thinking?

He felt himself tense up as he heard the door next to him squeak open. You walked out in your regular uniform and quite honestly looking more nervous and upset than he did. When making eye contact with you, he straightened his posture and gave you a genuine apology. "I'm truly sorry for walking in on you during an inappropriate moment! That was irresponsible of me."

You quickly and nervously accepted his apology as students started to crowd the hallways, walking to their next classes, and ran off. He really hated how upset you looked in that moment, and mentally beat himself up for the rest of the day for his stupid decision. Crewel even had to get his attention during alchemy. Embarrassing.

Later that day, around 7 pm, he got a text from you. You two never really texted, only had each other's numbers in case of emergency (aka Ace and Deuce getting themselves in trouble). You had asked him to come over to ramshackle to talk. He felt anxiety rising in his chest, but knew he needed to talk to you, so he promptly sent a quick text back and made his way over to your dorm.

That night the two of you had a very deep talk. you explained everything to him, from being trans, to the binder, and why you changed in the bathroom. While Riddle wasn't 100% educated on things like these, he understood and made sure to let you know he supported you and could always to come to him, even if he's bad at comfort, when he saw you tearing up.

After that you two defiantly grew closer. In any situation he saw that could out you, he made sure to cover for you, even if it was against the rules. If you wanted to come out, he'd be there to help you, maybe talking to people like Trey and Cater first, and would collar anyone who dares disrespect you.

Leona Kingscholar

Shark week has to be the worst part of the month. Varying on how bad your period gets from small cramps to doubling over in the hallway and almost passing out me, it still brings a wave of discomfort with your body and some heavy feelings, and you doubt in your current situation birth control would be easily available.

You aren't dumb. You know the second you got close to Leona, or any other beastman for that matter, he'd immediately be able to smell the blood on you. Animal traits or whatever. So the most logical thing to do was avoid Leona at all costs.

Or not. Leona was not happy that you were avoiding him. Just like how you aren't dumb, he isn't either. He knows somethings up, and he won't let it slide. As much as he likes to pretend, he really does care about the people close to him, and he enjoyed your (less annoying than everyone else's) visits.

He managed to corner you on one of your worst days. You were bleeding so much you were honestly concerned for your health and worried if this was normal. There was absolutely no way Leona wouldn't notice with his sense of smell. And he did notice.

You could see a slight shift in his expression from anger to concern the second he smelt blood on you. And cornered in that empty hallway, you gave in and told him everything about being trans.

Honestly Leona couldn't care less about it, he was more concerned about your physical state. Please don't throw up in the school hallway. "So what, I don't care how you were born. You look like shit and that's what's concerning ."

He dragged you down to the garden to nap with him, because when you're on your period, napping is all you can do to make yourself feel better, and even made Ruggie run and get you some chocolate and ibuprofen from the nurse. He could tell from Leona's stare that he shouldn't ask.

After that Leona became more protective of you, not because he sees you as weak or sees you as a woman, but because he's genuinely concerned for you and how you're feeling after how miserable you looked when he found out (although he doesn't show it). If anyone tried to make you upset, he'd be right there by your side (no one in their right mind would fight with Leona) and whether you decide to come out in school or not, Leona has your back.

Azul Ashengrotto

Listen, Azul gets it. he's insecure, he doesn't like his body and got bullied for it for most of his life. He can level with you about how your feeling and will always awkwardly be there if you need him. All it really took for the two of you to get closer was to see each other on a similar level.

Honestly, you knew something had been up when the Leech twins invited you to go swimming with them. I mean who would agree to that? It was you, you agreed because you decided it was finally time you got closer to the octo trio. There was one problem though.

You only had swim trunks and a shirt, which knowing how water works, would only stick to your chest the second you got wet. Why did you agree to this again? So while the two eels swam off into the water with you giving a promise to "join them later" you sat on the beach trying to figure out exactly what you were going to do.

You couldn't see him, but you heard Azul approach you from behind and sit down next to you. His face saddened when you opened up to him about being afraid to go into the water because you "didn't like your body". At that moment he knew exactly how you felt, but his attempts at comforting made it clear that he didn't exactly know your situation.

After you explained yo could see his face flush red, but he made an attempt at comforting you. He stood up and took your hand, pulling you up with him. He slowly walked the two of you into the water, only up to your ankles though. "Don't worry, no one here is going to judge you. I know it's hard but you can do it."

Neither the tweels or Azul made any comments about you or your body. After you saw Azul whispering to them, Floyd even made some comments about how it was "just us guys" and Jade referred to your day as a "boy's day out".

After this, not only did you have Azul behind you, you also had some very intimidating eels to support you. Azul would make sure no one would talk bad about you. Anyone that did ended up getting roped into a contract with him. While life may be hard this way, you'd always have the octo trio there for you.

Kalim Al-Asim

As usual, Kalim was throwing a massive party at the dorm, and although you're not very fond of parties, you went for Kalim. He was honestly so happy you came, he loves seeing you honestly, and you stuck to his side for most of it.

Walking around with him had unfortunately made things slightly worse for you, Kalim was extroverted after all and everyone wanted to talk to the host of the party. You had received many, not ill intended, comments from people ranging from "I didn't know they let girls into NRC" and "is this your new girlfriend Kalim?". While these people didn't mean any harm, only asking innocent questions, they cut deep. Near the end of the part you ended up walking off and into Kalim's dorm room.

A little while later, Kalim came in, he knew you would be in there after all. He sat down next you on the bed with a concerned look and asked if you were okay. Obviously you weren't and right there, in Kalim's arms, you broke down and told him everything, how you were trans and how that comments were so hard for you. he didn't say anything, only held onto you until you were done.

Once you finished crying, he hugged you tightly and ran off. He came back a few minutes later with some water and snacks. After you gulped down a bottle of water, he held you close again. He gave small assuring rubs to your shoulder and watched some youtube videos with you to try and make you feel better. For once, kalim wasn't so talkative, and you appreciated that.

After that incident you had never once been misgendered at scarabia again. Kalim had made it clear to everyone in the dorm that you were a man and nothing else, after all Kalim is one of the best friends a person could ask for. "I want you to know that to me and everyone at scarabia that you are the bravest man, and we all appreciate having you here. you deserve to be here."

Vil Schoenheit

He wanted you to be in a photoshoot. That was it, that was what made everything around you crumble. He wanted to measure you, put on makeup, take photos and it was all to much.

Apparently he wanted you in the photoshoot because of your "naturally pretty face" and it was just too much to deal with. you stood in the dressing room looking at yourself in the mirror, your mind pointing out every little detail that was "too feminine" and tears filled your eyes.

And that's when he walked in. THE Vil Schoenheit had just walked in on you crying before a photoshoot. He didn't look angry at you however, more concerned. He walked over to you and took your face in his hands. While he did fuss over your ruined makeup a bit, he was more pressing you into telling him what was wrong. were you overstimulated? Were the clothes uncomfortable? Were the lights too bright?

You broke down in the man's arms and while he was hesitant about smearing your makeup on his clothes, he relented and held you. You were able to tell him what was wrong through al of your cries and you could hear him call out something to one of the workers. Eventually you were given a water bottle and calmed down.

Vil sat there assuring you that these "feminine things" didn't make you any less of a man and that if anything needed to be changed to let him know. I mean did you really think Vil "fuck gender roles" Sheonheit would really judge you for this?

After this he found some more fitting clothes for you and made sure you were on comfortable whether on set or with him casually. He was honestly the best person to go to when struggling. He always helps you based on what would look more masculine on you and he wouldn't ever let anyone make fun of you. "How you look or what you wear does not affect you or your gender. To me and to everyone here, you are a man."

Idia Shroud

Now how in the word did this happen? how could Idia Shroud, the boy who stays in his room all the time, figure out you were trans? Well it's a bit of an awkward situation. Ortho had invited you over to their dorm for a sleepover because he wanted his big brother to get out there and start talking to people , other than the ones on his computer (much to Idia's disagreement). Honestly the three of you had an awesome time playing video games and hanging out, even if it took time for Idia to warm up to having you there.

That was until it came time for bed. Knowing Idia he probably would have preferred to stay up until the sun came up, but you and Ortho definitely weren't doing that. When you changed you had put on pajama pants, a tank top, and a hoodie. You had to take off your binder because obviously you can't sleep with it on (or at least you shouldn't be).

You honestly thought you would have been fine, but through the night it had ended up getting hotter, most likely due to the two boys beside you with literal fire hair. You guessed it would have been fine taking off your hoodie as long as you woke up before the two of them to put it back on. But you didn't, in fact you woke up to Idia staring at you. When you woke up you couldn't tell what was wrong until you remembered you weren't wearing your hoodie or a binder. You quickly sat up and threw your hoodie back on, muttering a small apology. you could hear him give one too, but it was quiet,

After you had left you ended up messaging Idia about the situation, and he actually ended up being surprisingly cool about the whole "being trans thing". I mean he's on the internet 24/7 so it isn't surprising that he would know about it. He even apologized about the staring and said that he didn't "mean to be a pervert" and was just caught of guard which made you laugh a bit.

While Idia isn't the most confrontational person (Ortho however is(some people found out the hard way)) he's always there to give you support and as he said "Honestly how you were born doesn't matter. You're a chill person now and that's all I care about."

Malleus Draconia

Just like Leona and other beastmen, fae like Malleus have a heightened sense of smell, but unlike Leona, you didn't know that.

When you had woken up that morning to the usual monthly discomfort, you knew you'd be having the worst time of your life. You somehow managed to drag yourself out of bed and put on your regular clothes along with a pad (for some reason Sam has them in stock in the shop, you have no idea why) and made your way to class.

Classes that day were miserable, but you pushed your way through it despite everything. Once you had finished your classes for the day, Malleus had approached you to ask if you wanted to spend time together. He stopped himself and looked down at you with his usual "disappointed but also concerned" face and asked if you were alright, being very vague about it.

You did the usual lie of saying you were fine, but as if whatever gods there are in this universe hat you with a burning passion, you were hit with the worst set of cramps imaginable. Holding your waist you tried to assure Malleus wasn't having it.

He picked you up like you weighed basically nothing and with one flash of light you found yourself back in your dorm room, which was a bit of an embarrassing mess due to both grim being grim and you panicking with your sudden "situation". Malleus didn't seem to mind as he set you down on your bed and sat next to you, that same look of concern still on his face.

There in your room you told Malleus about what was going on and why you were bleeding so much. You could see him relax knowing you weren't in danger and that this was just a natural thing. You may or may not have had to explain the concept of a period to Malleus because let's be honest he's clueless.

After that he brought you some food and medicine to try and help, but once again he's clueless. You appreciated the effort though. He stayed there for the entire night making sure you were okay and according to him "To me it does not matter how you were born and how you are physically. To me, you are a man, and a gentle, kind, brave, and helpful one at that."

While life may throw many obstacels your way, Malleus assures you that you are perfect the way you are and that he is always there for you.

I'm not sure if I like Idia and Malleus's parts because I need go to bed lol, ty for reading and have a nice day.

[pamicakery]

₊‧₊˚Manifesting and the Bible 2/2˚₊✩‧₊

Part one here :🩵

I will talk about everything and anything here. My thoughts about some '' sensitive '' topics I guess..

The genesis

When I was a Christian, I always asked myself how the world was created. And I loved the Genesis part, I could read it again and again.

But when we think about that it's how we create our world in our mind. Everything is pitch black and we visualise the sky, the land, the sea ect. It's the same principle, when you want something in your mind, it have to be created. It's already done.

The Bible God didn't wait for 3 days, 21 days, months or years. Got instantly. He wasn't like '' How can I create tree? They need to grow. '' or '' I need water to make the ocean ''

No.

It's like when you have a desire, if... For example you want a cup of water, it will appear in your hand instantly and you will drink it.

The Bible God went straight to the end, when his creation was already finish. And it's true and good. Because what you think in the mind is true and good.What you think in your mind is the truth, what I mean by that when you think about your bad circumstances and bring those circumstances into your mind and focus on them, it's true for your mind.

Because your mind accepts everything as true.

The creation of man :

So God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them.

God (aka your mind) created the men (the outside people, the people in your 3d) at your image. They are created according to your inner self beliefs.

Let's take myself as an example.. When I was 11, I felt really alone. I had no friends, nobody to talk to. My inner self state was :Loneliness.

Guess what? People around me were created according to that state. They made me feel alone, left alone,ignored.

When you feel left out by your SP, your Sp will make you feel that way. The 🔥🧊 behavior is due to :

Sometimes I visualise and affirm that my Sp loves me.

But

Sometimes I tell myself that my Sp is ignoring me.

People around you are your inner self expressing themselves within the people around you.

The end of the world or Judgements day :

I want to tell you that nobody will come across the sky to judge you. No one. That's my thought tho. I mean a being who didn't lived on Earth cannot judge you for what you've done on Earth.

But let's go straight to the subjet. Hell is the state of living a life you don't like. Imagine a life in a body you don't love, seeing your Sp getting married and being happy with someone else and never achieve your dream? This is Hell.

Hell is looking around and seeing your circonstances getting worst and worst. Being trapped in this reality, being slaved to your senses, the 3d. This is Hell.

That's why (it's sound like those Christian classes I used to do) Jesus came to save you. Your imagination is here to save you. Your imagination forgives all your sins (your failures, the bad things you have done in the past).

The imagination wants you to go to heaven.

Heaven is a state of having your desire. Being fulfilled, living in bliss. Having your perfect life, your Sp,your desired body, your friends.

This is heaven. And the end of the world is what? It's the end of your life on Earth. Will you have the life of your dream and have access to heaven or having a life you didn't loved, a life you hated.

It's for God, your inner self to decide if you go to Heaven or Hell. That's why every LOA bloggers tells you to DECIDE! What do you want? You want to have your desired life? Or live in a world full of bad circumstances. It's for you to decide.

IF I AM GOD, WHY THE WORLD IS NOT IN PEACE?

Unless you identify with a savior, you won't be. There is war because you are conscious of it. Plus you can't save anybody, look at how many people know about manifestation and Loa and keep saying that it's a '' Gen Z thing '', '' New age '', '' Satanism '', '' Trick for lazy people '', '' Delulu ''

Once, someone called me Satanist,my parents called me Delulu. We can't save everybody.

And the more we will be focus on making peace, the more we will see that they are still places At war, so the more we will be conscious about the world not being in peace.

I think I said it all. Maybe I have more to talk about in the future.

[reesiereads]

James and the Dupes (Goosebumps 2023 Analysis 3/5)

If you haven’t read the previous two parts of this analysis I highly recommend you do, however the jist is that I am attempting to show how each Biddle item is purposely symbolic of the kid it’s tied to.

I’ve already discussed Isaiah and Isabella so let’s talk about James.

(Spoilers below the cut, I seriously recommend watching the show first before reading, it’s definitely worth it)

James is the point of view for Goosebumps’ third episode The Cuckoo Clock of Doom, however James’ object is not the clock for which the episode is named. When listing the objects in Go Eat Worms Margot specifically says James’ object is the “dupes” aka the duplications of James that the clock created. I’ll be discussing the significance of this in a moment but keep this in mind.

The Cuckoo Clock of Doom starts once again the night of the Halloween party at the Biddle house and with James hitting his head for the first time on the cuckoo clock. James is disoriented and it’s implied he hit his head fairly hard but he decides to go through with the party anyway and it’s through his actions at the party this first go around that we see the most vital aspects of James’ character.

James goes throughout the party talking to just about everybody. He knows all their names, he’s personable and friendly, he’s a complete social butterfly. It’s very obvious though that he isn’t actually saying anything of substance; it’s all small talk. He knows everybody and everybody knows him but none of them are his actual friends. James’ demeanor through this scene is also very (for a lack of a better word) safe, it’s the sort of polite but casual tone you take when trying to make friendly small talk and it’s the sort of tone that while very forced very few people could take issue with.

When James stops to talk to Isaiah this very palatable tone fades but not completely, there’s still a very obvious amount of effort and energy being pushed into what James is saying. His words are casual but his body language and tone are practiced.

Essentially, James is a performer. His given description prior to the shows release labeled him as a “class clown” and this trope is a perfect encompassment of everything James embodies. He’s funny, he’s charming, just about everyone likes him but nobody actually knows him. He’s got a sort of casual confidence about him that is a complete act, but he’s so at arms-length with everyone around him that most don’t recognize his facade.

There are two relationships that perfectly show James’s true character: Sam and Isaiah.

Sam is the boy James likes but we aren’t given much of an indication why James like him other then that Sam is hot: this is deliberate.

See, Sam is the perfect vehicle to showing how James conducts most of his relationships. He approaches a person, he makes some small talk, he finds a topic the person likes and (whether he has any knowledge or interest in the subject) tries make himself palatable by discussing it. As a people-pleaser myself I can say with full confidence that this behavior is done with two goals in mind: to make the other person like him and to keep the conversation on the other person so he doesn’t have to talk about himself. This is the main reason Isaiah tells him he needs to stop trying so hard to be liked, because this people-pleasing behavior hinders James’ ability to form actual deep connections.

The reason James doesn’t take this advice is because that’s exactly what he wants. What the time loops reveal is that even when given the opportunity James will not be himself. He’s presented with the perfectly opportunity to try and be himself with Sam, being completely able to just reset the night once again if it goes wrong, and instead James abuses the time loop so that his lie about sharing interests with Sam will be more convincing.

This is further emphasized by the clones words to Sam. While yes, the clones are being purposely cruel to try and ruin James’ life, a majority of their words are rooted in some kind of truth. They are James and they are using the exact information and feelings James has to manipulate the people around them. When ruining James’ relationship with Sam the clone specifically states that Sam is “too clingy” and I believe this is the exact reason James was interested in Sam in the first place.

James went after Sam, a person he seemingly shared no interests with and only found attractive, because James assumed he could have a very (for a lack of a better word) shallow relationship with him. James was never looking for anything serious and his comment about “I don’t know anything about soccer but I don’t care because Sam is hot” emphasizes that. Why would James want a deep emotional connection with someone when he doesn’t even have a relationship like that with his best friend?

Isaiah is James’ best friend however his actual relationship with Isaiah seems to go roughly the same as his relationship with just about everyone else. Sure, they hang out a lot but most of their interactions seem to be James hearing Isaiah out about his issues and them talking about their crushes. Isaiah does question about James about how he’s doing but James either deflects or avoids the seriousness of the situation.

In The Cuckoo Clock of Doom Isaiah and James have a discussion after James’ botched attempt at talking with Sam. In this discussion Isaiah immediately knows James was not being himself when talking to Sam and encourages him just be himself rather then trying so hard to be liked. This, on it’s own, seems like reasonable advice however what’s interesting is James’ response: “that’s easy for you to say.”

Isaiah questions what he means by this and James, clearly uncomfortable, says nevermind and essentially forces the conversation to be dropped. Despite Isaiah being his best friend it’s very clear James is not comfortable being honest about his emotions with him.

The questions comes up again once James is found however and this time James is upset enough by the discovery that Isaiah, his best friend, doesn’t know him well enough to know if he’s a clone or not, that he elaborates. He states: “It is really hard to be 1 of 6 gay people in a town.”

The crux of James’ behavior, the reason he people-pleases and dances around serious topics is because he feels othered. He feels different from the people around him and he’s scared of the judgement that could come from that. A lot of his behavior reads as a sort of compensation, as if he’s trying to be as palatable as possible so people will like him despite the fact that he’s queer.

I imagine James also feels isolated the same way Isabella does, at least in an emotional sense. He keeps everyone at school at an arms-length and his relationship with his Mother is implied to be rather distant. She treats him more like a best friend then anything and paired with her alcoholism there is a very clear emotional wall between the two of them. There is no one James feels safe to confide in and I imagine it’s only worsened his feelings of otherness.

Now, finally, let’s discuss the Dupes:

The Biddle Clock and Dupes (roughly) work like this: When making contact with the clock a person is trapped into a time loop from the time of hitting the clock. The loop is restarted if the person attempts to leave the Biddle property. Every loop creates a duplicate of the person from an alternate timeline which Biddle is able to communicate with and who act as Biddle’s minions. The duplicates have all the information the original person had during the loop and, as their forms are goo of some kind, can likely change their appearance at will.

The duplicates take James’ place for roughly a week and during this time they set out to ruin James’ life as throughly as possible by destroying all his relationships. Sam is broken up with on ground of being “too clingy,” Isaiah’s relationship with Allison is worsened and his feelings for Margot are revealed which are things James likely knew a lot about as Isaiah’s friend not to mention the clone picking on Isaiah’s insecurities, and based on the comments about James’ mother James feels some resentment for his Mom’s behavior which the clone is more open about then James would be.

No one recognizes that the clones have taken James’ place despite them not acting very in-character. The people the clones strive to ruin James’ relationships with also all react very volatile to the clones’ behavior, showing how despite James’ efforts to be very likable his efforts haven’t fostered very strong relationships.

The message of the episode is fairly clear: If you keep everyone around you at arms-length and try too hard to be likable then you are inevitably going to be isolated as none of your relationships will have any kind of stable foundation.

[justalia]

hello, how are you? i just realized something and it is not what i expected. i realized that i made manifesting my SP a whole part of my identity and idk how to BE the one with him. like i just successfully manifested a job while it was the same for me, for more than a year i was identifying with the girl trying to get a job and nobody wants her and is broke and living at her parents etc… & just a month ago i decided to actually just acknowledge that it’s possible that i can find a job, and it’ll happen and trusted it and i literally got it.

Now with sp idk why it feels hard to believe that he’s gonna change etc. I read all your threads and stuff so I know the concepts and how to apply and i actually did it 2 weeks ago, i fulfilled myself and felt good, but it’s still as if i see the him in my mind as a daydream. like i identify myself with the one being with him but the HOW or WHEN is in the back of my mind even if i don’t want to, and thus it feels hard to believe that he’s gonna dump so and dump his plan to live in Brazil and come back to live in France and work here. Like idk how to trust that he’s gonna do that. I know all i have to do is trust bc it depends on me and I’m literally the one in control but then when i fulfill myself with scenes and convo and then in the 3D I’d “check” sometimes if i have a text or else but while I’m checking I’m directly “no that’s impossible” as if he’ll never change. And ik we don’t want him to CHANGE but select a new version but still i feel like the version in my scenes is ideal him and in the 3D I’m still triggered if i see something that is related to him, I’m scared i see something on socials with him, scared he’ll never come back etc… idk how to navigate this bc i know I’m not in the good state etc rn but since 2 weeks this is how i feel and i don’t even feel anything when imagining my ideal relationship with him… bc he’s so stubborn and idk how he’s gonna have such a huge change in behavior and come back to the version i knew before aka him being in love totally with me and only seeing a future with me.

there is no “trusting” the unseen when you know you’re not this body. when you know you’re not the body, nor the mind and that the sense are non existent because all is experienced by awareness what is there to wait for? exactly what are you waiting for? kindly tell me cause i don’t understand.

what are you waiting for? who are you putting this trust in? what are you trusting for? it’s right here right now.

“i only see him as a daydream”

when you dream how are you experiencing it?

is there really a difference between what you call “daydream” and what you call “life”? didn’t you feel like last night’s dream was “real?”

i’ll answer these questions for you:

- yes but when i daydream i know i’m just daydreaming, it doesn’t feel real it’s just imagining

why doesn’t it feel real? because you take the body to be who you are.

you think there’s a character with a body, a mind and this imagination in the character’s head therefore if you believe you are this character you will never feel it as real.

there is no character.

there is no mind.

there is no “imagination” as you know it.

ALL is experience.

[just-here-with-my-thoughts]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Tagged in the 20 Questions game by @the-little-moment and @kybercrystals94! It was fun to read both of your answers too! :D

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

15, although one of them is a collection containing multiple short stories :)

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

160,403. That's 3x 30k multi-chapter fics and the rest short stories :)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

At the moment, The Bad Batch. I have fond attachment to older stories for Horizon Zero Dawn/Forbidden West, and Iron Kingdoms as well.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

1/ System Upgrade The Kaminoans upgrade Echo's cybernetics before he is cleared to join the Batch, and then he has to bond with his new squad. 2/ A Fair Price To Pay Crosshair is determined to break Omega out of Tantiss. Along the way, she saves him too. 3/ Test Subject Originally a one-shot, now the prequel/first part of System Upgrade. Echo being experimented on by the Kaminoans. 4/ Beach Days & Hair Braiding Nothing but sweet, tooth-rotting, brotherly fluff. Hunter, Omega and Crosshair on Pabu. 5/ Phobia 300 words, Omega helps the Batch deal with an unwelcome 8-legged guest ;)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! I'm an inherently social creature. I always want you to know how much your comment means to me, and it's even better when we get a conversation going.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm, this is probably a draw between Soup Of The Day and Presumed Dead. Definitely no positive outlook at the end of those.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Another toss-up between Beach Days & Hair Braiding and Human Weapon aka. the Birthday Cake Fic. Both set with everyone living happily on Pabu and both end with Hunter and Crosshair starting to regain some of their old brotherly closeness :)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Haven't yet, apart from getting caught up in the AO3 bot comment fiasco!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do ;) My flavour is more to do with the emotional connection and closeness between two people who trust each other very much, M rather than E rating. I love a love story :')

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

No but I get to brainstorm them all the time with @ninjadeathblade! The craziest one? There's been so many! But I want to say The Bad Batch/Mamma Mia crossover. Nobody was finding out who Omega's dad was in that because all the clones have the same DNA XD

11. (Question 11 was missing! So I wrote my own!) Which fic are you proud of but wish had gotten a bigger response from your readers?

Welcome To The Outpost got off to a slow start, and I wonder if it's because for half of the story it didn't include a single main character from the show? But the people who did read left such wonderful comments so I shall continue to consider this fic my underrated gem!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Adrenaline Crash by the fabulous @tech-o-mania

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

None of my published ones, but I literally spent my teen years writing fic by passing notes back and forth in class, me and my friends taking it in turns to add a few lines to the story!

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

I don't think I have one? I am fairly open to reading anything and know how to use the back button if I don't like it. It's less about the characters involved and more about reading the same idiots-to-lovers trope in as many different ways possible.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Well it would be lovely to finish all my Iron Kingdoms inspired stories because I'm so attached to them, but it's also so sprawling and I have only me to motivate myself so... I guess that's not happening ^^;

16. What are your writing strengths?

I like to think it's the occasional absolutely devastating heart-breaking descriptive prose that sneaks its way into my writing :P

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Over-punctuation ^^; I tend to add punctuation every time I pause for thought, which means at times, there really isn't a lot of flow, to my writing, because the little reset counter in my head, forgets when the last time I stopped for a proper break is. Then I have to go back and edit it into sensible length sentences!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I have only used fantasy languages, but in Iron Kingdoms a large part of my main character's drive was her heritage so language played a significant part in that.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Final Fantasy 8! Oh so long ago and sad to have lost it in many computer transfers since then. I think everyone should keep the fics they wrote when they were 14. I worked so hard on that story ;_;

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

I have a lot of favourites but my number one is probably Adrenaline Crash. I am feral for Feral Hunter.

Tagging if you'd like to play! :- @royallykt @theproblemwithstardust @lifblogs @holdingonforheaven @tech-o-mania @fanfoolishness and anyone else who fancies copying the questions and letting me know about your writing ^_^

[rivstyx]

Hey! Could I please ask for a NatM fic recommendation? I don't like oneshots or pwp so Idk where to start tbh

YES of course you can my dear anon! it sounds like you're looking for longer, more plotty stories, so here are some fics that may fit that description:

The Barn Raising by PoetryInMotion (7,463 words)

The Old West's barn has been demolished by a fetch-related accident. When they get a new one, the Western denizens throw a good old-fashioned barn-raising party. Jedediah decides to invite Octavius (and both secretly hope that they can kindle a romance between the do-si-do and the two-step).

some classic fluff. if you grew up a yeehaw like me, you'll love the little touches of Western culture; if not, you can still appreciate how damn cute this fic is

Down Then Left by mournwiththemoon (36,024 words, incomplete)

Octavius is balls deep in the closet and a mild midlife crisis. Jedediah just wants to fix the elevator. AKA the corporate loser x mechanical engineer AU that literally nobody asked for.

modern AU that i'm obsessed with. octavius is a sad divorced sandbag, jed is an obnoxious wannabe country singer, and i love them both with all my heart

He Loves Me Not by orphan_account (25,820 words)

Jed stumbles across a stack of unsent/unfinished love letters from Octavius to an unknown person in the museum. Jed sets out to find out who. Not because he’s jealous. No, not all.

big romcom vibes. it's not miscommunication, but it's not not miscommunication

if this was a cowboy movie (i'd give you my boots) by Liviapenn (10,180 words)

There are secret articles in our treaties with the gods, of more importance than all the rest, which the historian can never know.' -- Henry David Thoreau. This hour I tell things in confidence, I might not tell everybody, but I will tell you. -- Walt Whitman, "Song of Myself"

ok this one only sort of fits the bill, but i love it too much not to rec it. it follows jed and octavius as they walk back from the car wreck in movie 1 and tell each other stories about their pasts

living beyond your years (acting out all their fears) by Riv_Styx (16,447 words)

“Go,” Octavius repeated. “Run. I am with you.” Jedediah did the one thing he never thought he was capable of doing. The thing he would have sooner died than chosen of his own accord. He ran. Secret of the Tomb AU. Octavius doesn't make it out of Pompeii; angry and grieving, Jedediah goes home alone. Meanwhile, for Octavius, his whole world changes overnight. The new museum is thriving on the magic of the tablet, but it's not where he belongs. It's going to be a long way home.

oh look a familiar name!

my heart will stop in joy by HungryOnMain (12,433 words, incomplete)

A temporary exhibit, on display at the AMNH for a limited time, brings forth a vengeful force from the past. Terrible, painful memories bubble up from the depths of the minds of everyone on display. They can be taken, and joy restored - for a price.

dark, fucked up, and utterly addicting. i eagerly await every serving. this one says "hey, forget kahmunrah - what else could tablet magic possibly do in the wrong hands?"

Any Weather (series) by EwokRae22 (151,470 words)

On a lucky break from McPhee, Larry brings the exhibits on a winter vacation north of New York. He has everything prepared, or at least that’s what he tells himself. Because nothing can stop Jedediah and Octavius’s useless and oh-so-tiny longing for each other, not even the snow.

a fandom classic! the series follows jed and octavius through some wild adventures and features some genuinely heart-wrenching twists

Cacoethes (series) by Anonymous (25,927 words)

A deeper look into Jedediah and Octavius's experiences during Battle of the Smithsonian, and a look at what could have happened after the end.

take the hourglass scene from natm 2 and turn the homosexuality up to eleven, and you've got cacoethes - though the rest of the works in the series are definitely worth the read!

hope this helps! :D

[whumpy-wyrms]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

here’s some wholesome Dew art because he deserves to be happy :3 (also his sweater is supposed to look like colorful firework explosions)

now here i go getting all sentimental under the read more…

first off, thanks @mottinthemainpot and @toyybox for requesting New Years art because i wouldn’t have drawn this otherwise!! it was fun and i love how colorful it turned out :D

also here’s the version without the background

anyway, i have to say that making this blog was one of the biggest highlights of my year. i did so many things that i thought i’d never do! like show my writing to people, post oc stuff… make actual friends. seriously, just creating something that makes other people happy is what i’ve always wanted to do, and i did it! writing and drawing are my favorite hobbies and i’m so so happy that i’m making other people happy by doing what i love more than anything.

i know TLLR may not matter all that much to other people, but it had a huge impact on my life. it caused me to start sharing my stories instead of keeping them in my head, it caused me to come out of my shell and actually talk to people online, and make so many amazing friends that i never would have met otherwise. it made it easier for me to be myself and interact with people, instead of hiding or being too shy like i’ve been doing my whole life. i used to be soo scared of talking to people online, because i thought nobody would like me or i’d be too awkward. but all of your amazing support made me able to do that, made me able to express myself and find a friend group that i can relate to and who likes me for me. that’s something i’ve always wanted, so thank you all!!

ever since i was 12, it was my dream to make something- a series and characters- that inspired others and made people happy (aka the same impact that Gravity Falls had on me). i know TLLR isn’t much, and it’s not super popular or anything, but i’m so unbelievably happy that i created something that makes people excited to read and think about and make art for. i’m so happy i created something that inspires people and makes people happy (even just a little bit). that is honestly all i’ve ever wanted and it makes me excited for all the amazing things i’ll do in the future.

to all of you invested in my silly little story, THANK YOU!!!! without any of your support or kind messages or reactions or art, i literally wouldn’t have made it this far. i remember the first ask i ever got (you know who you are :)) and i just wanna talk about how that affected me. because holy shit, back then, that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about something i made. i can’t even describe how happy i was when i first read it, like it literally made my entire month. it made me realize that i’m capable of making something that makes people happy. and to everyone who has ever left nice messages about my series, thank you so much again!! because wow, it’s just so surreal that people like my creations. thank you

this is super rambly and completely unplanned, but yeah i just wanted to say thanks for the amazing past few months. i’m so happy i joined this community, everyone here is so nice and it’s led me to make amazing things. even if you don’t read TLLR (i recommend it ehehehe /nf), thanks for following me and supporting me with my art. drawing all those tllr drawings definitely made me improve a lot (this year was also a huge year for my art in general. i’m so proud of myself for how much i’ve improved with my art).

ALSO WRITING!!! my writing has definitely improved thanks to tllr. before this, i just wrote for fun about my other ocs and never showed ANYONE. it wasn’t in chronological order and i didn’t care much for mistakes or perfect grammar or anything. don’t get me wrong, i love the other stuff i wrote for myself, but tllr is by far the best in my opinion. it challenged me to write something not only for myself, but something other people would read. it put me out of my comfort zone at first, when i posted the first chapter. my writing has improved so much because of that and i’m so fucking excited for what i’ll be able to accomplish in the future.

oh yeah! thanks to the whump community for inspiring me to post my stuff in the first place! tllr specifically is something very important and personal to me, but something that i’m able to share with other people so easily. tllr isn’t just mine anymore, it’s everyone’s who’s ever read it (don’t take that too literally)

anyway, i know i’m forgetting something but yeah i just wanted to say thanks!! you are all so amazing! i’m not gonna tag all of the friends i made but you all know who you are, thank you!!! 2023 was amazing for me and i’m so excited for what 2024 will bring (besides me literally graduating high school this year)! big things are coming up with tllr too, new characters, twists and turns, crazy stuff. i’m so fucking excited

OH YEAH! i usually don’t make new year’s resolutions but this year i definitely want to draw more of my friends/mutuals’ characters. all of you are so creative and drawing art for other people is something i realized i love to do!!

i don’t know how to end this, it got longer than i planned loll. thank you all for the amazing year!! thanks for all the support!! :DDD

[beautifulpersonpeach]

I thank god everyday for the day I found your blog BPP. Min Hee Jin won her injunction against Hybe today and I feel so relieved for NewJeans and everyone at ADOR. It might seem silly but your posts made think, they made me want to step outside the Army echo chambers to read through the articles myself and I came to be Team MHJ with you.

I felt like I was fighting a lone war on reddit and twitter. I took your advice and limited my exposure to that space. Here's my view:

The only people convinced that HYBE would win were kpop stans who were either HYBE company stans, ARMYs or kpoppies who already really disliked MHJ.

It was personally frustrating for me to see people rant for weeks on the megathreads on all the main subs, basically showing they had no real idea what they were talking about and would misrepresent anything MHJ and her lawyers said even when they backed it up. This whole issue should’ve been very clear cut for HYBE if they had any real evidence, but they didn’t, so they chose the route of character assassination instead but by law that’s not enough to fire her. Personally the only way I saw her losing was if HYBE threw even more of their power and money to influence the decision, which I thought would be easy since Korea is generally unforgiving to women in most cases. But the fact HYBE lost in spite of their influence, in spite of the misogyny rampant in the legal system, just shows how weak HYBE’s legal case really was.

Honestly since MHJ’s press conference it was clear to me HYBE was unlikely to win their case. She raised so many issues that the court decision today reinforced (the indefinite non-compete, the toxic management of sub-labels in favor of BSH and her actions to support ADOR in that environment, what her actual issue was regarding the ‘plagiarism’ in context of the creative team, members and their parents, etc).

Now, Armys are taking this screenshot and misrepresenting it to justify a hate train on the NewJeans members themselves. https://x.com/enjeansville/status/1796145376820428815

MHJ said the issue of ‘plagiarism’ wasn’t about one issue but about several key distinctions in NewJeans debut formula that they had evidence that Belift literally, ‘lifted’, she said that most everyone at ADOR including creatives was aware of it, and that NewJeans parents (aka guardians/representatives) had even seen the negative comparisons with ILLIT and NewJeans in the media as well as disparaging comments towards NewJeans in the media, and petitioned MHJ to act on it to HYBE.

But the comments I’ve seen for the last few weeks from Armys and other kpoppies just drove home the fact that nobody here actually watched it nor read the supporting reports from Sejong. People just stayed in echo chambers that already hated MHJ and looked for ways to hate NewJeans members openly on that account. Sadly typical.

***

"from Armys and other kpoppies" made me laugh because truly, ARMYs have become indistinguishable from kpoppies. Perhaps it was inevitable given how often this switch happens, but it's still been quite the trip to witness.

"the only way I saw her losing was if HYBE threw even more of their power and money to influence the decision, which I thought would be easy since Korea is generally unforgiving to women in most cases. But the fact HYBE lost in spite of their influence, in spite of the misogyny rampant in the legal system, just shows how weak HYBE’s legal case really was."

I have a similar opinion. Frankly, anybody who actually watched Min Heejin's press conference and understood what she said, would've seen she was certainly more in the right, and had more legal basis for her claims, than HYBE did. Only the sort of k-pop stan who has suffered the peculiar sickness of stan brain rot would think one woman could brainwash most of a country that is lauded as one of the most misogynistic in the world. But I bet on her losing in any case because in Korea, conglomerates typically win. Bang PD has entered chaebol status and that alone tipped things in his favour. The fact he lost, even while using the top rated legal firm in Korea (Kim & Chang) is comical in how it exposes HYBE's legal case was even weaker than we assumed.

Still, this is far from over. From the start, this was a personal vendetta and since Bang Sihyuk has so far spared no expense nor convention in trying to destroy MHJ, the stakes are only higher now, so expect more of what we've seen the last few weeks. She's being sued and MHJ will begin her own countersuits regarding the text messages she says are manipulated and other issues raised during this mess. We likely won’t see a full resolution till the end of this year.

In the meantime, all the artists at HYBE will continue to suffer and the singular reason for this mess, again, is Bang Sihyuk.

Stream Groin and How Sweet.

[anexistingexistence]

Time to ruin someone's day, here we go!

(Aka: Me going on a rant about fluffy DarlinxQuinn.)

Warnings (?): Me swearing a lot because I wrote this the moment the thoughts came into my head without a filter, domestic fluffy things, and Quinn, who deserves to be his own warning.

Darlin and Quinn were so sweet together and you can not possibly fathom how endearing they were with one another.

For example - hear me tf out - they got matching rings to wear for their first anniversary-type thing. And I know now you might say:

"Uhh Existence, they weren't even together for a whole year. Did you even read the timeline?"

To which all I have to say is, bitch I studied the timeline, you amateur, now keep listening to what I have to say. Quinn is the type of person that celebrates this kind of shit monthly - He's the kind of person to celebrate "half-birthdays" or whatever they're called. So yea, he got himself and Darlin matching rings to put on necklaces as a first monthly anniversary gift.

Another grand example would be how these two shared each other's clothes all the time. Nobody knew which hoodie or t-shirt was whose anymore after a few months and so they'd just start buying clothes together and for each other instead of individually for themselves because they just knew they'd end up sharing the clothes anyway. And Darlin accidentally kept some of Quinn's clothes even after they broke things off.

Also, Darlin did Quinn's makeup for him. These two would be sitting pretty on the bathroom floor of Quinn's dingy little apartment, Darlin in Quinn's lap, and they'd be doing his eyeliner and applying glitter to his eyeshadow and putting on his highlighter. Once they were done, Quinn would give them the softest kiss and share his lipstick or chapstick with them before saying something like "To treat/cover up that scar I left" with the sweetest apologetic look he could muster.

Also, Quinn would always give Darlin massages and he was weirdly good at it. Most of the time these two weren't intimate in those innocent and lovely little ways, but when they were, it usually was Quinn massaging them.

And he wasn't just good with his hands when it came to massaging because this man has such steady hands that it became a regular thing for him to paint Darlin's nails, only for them to miserably fail at doing his in return. They were always super embarrassed and apologetic about it when they got the nail polish all over his fingers but to Quinn it was just the cutest thing to see them scramble to clean him up and damn near hear the blood rush to their face in embarrassment.

Another thing would be that Darlin tends to have a very hard time falling asleep, so they'd ask Quinn to trance them to sleep sometimes and he'd hum a little tune while he held them in his arms and they drifted off in his trance. When they were fully asleep he'd give them a little forehead kiss and just cuddle them closer while watching them sleep very non-creepily (definitely not creepy, why would you even suggest that?).

This one's not as wholesome, but Quinn thought it was cute and quirky to wear Darlin's blood like it was lipstick which they found disgusting, but they got desensitized to it to the point they played up their annoyance whenever they saw him do it. They'd say something like "You know it looks bad when it gets this dry, right?" before getting a wet cloth or just straight up licking it from his lips. The latter of those only encouraged Quinn to keep doing this because of course it did.

And those were my wonderful thoughts and ideas for the day, hope you enjoyed (or were miserable throughout) reading this stuff.

Also, how are we liking the dividers? I made them myself and I think they turned out pretty cute.

[shedidntevenswear]

It’s my 30th birthday!

which means i’ve had this exact tumblr account for literally half of my life lol embarrassing

Because I am my mother(Taylor Swift)’s daughter, I decided to take a page from her book and share 30 things I’ve learned in my 30 years of life so far:

It’s the people, it’s the people, IT’S THE PEOPLE. In anything you do, any space you inhabit, the people around you are what actually matters, not the dogma or the process or whatever. Act accordingly. 

Some things can go to the group chat instead of out on the internet.

Listening without trying to fix things is an important skill, especially when talking to yourself. 

Therapy is worth the money. 

Not everything that is great or meant for you is meant to last forever. Embrace ephemera.

You really can find everything you need on NOT Amazon, it just takes a little more work. Generally the work is worth it. 

Different things work for different people, you don’t need to apply whats best for someone else to yourself and you definitely don’t get to decide that what’s right for you is how everyone should be living. 

I read so much more after embracing audiobooks and 2x speed. 

Liking things is so much cooler and more fun than hating things.

WEAR SUNSCREEN EVEN WHEN YOU DONT THINK YOU NEED IT.

The best way to live in community is with a soft front and a strong back. 

Getting outside and moving my body actually does make me feel better, damn it.

Take the Uber sometimes. Don’t be a hero.

You can’t always believe everything you read on the internet. 

Relatedly, you don’t always have to believe the opinions of people on the internet about you or the things you care about. You don’t always have to give the same weight to the things internet people say as you would to people who know you. 

Feelings need to be felt. 

Things you enjoy doing are worth doing even if you aren’t “good” at them. 

I’ve learned how to be alone with myself without descending into crippling loneliness immediately #justextrovertthings

Check the weather before you leave the house.

Certainty isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The vulnerability that comes from uncertainty is where connection happens. 

It’s actually totally fine to eat the same thing every day if you are getting the fuel you need and you like how it tastes. Not everyone has to be a chef.

Opinions are not facts. 

You’ll enjoy life so much more if you just let yourself have a little treat every day. 

You can have fantastic, budget-friendly European vacations if you simply don’t care about the quality of where you sleep. (aka I’ve slept on a lot of overnight buses and in the most basic BnBs)

Nine times out of ten, it’s not personal. People are thinking more about themselves than they are ever thinking about you when making the decision to do or say something. 

There are so many things out of my control. Wisdom is realizing what I can control, and satisfaction comes from concentrating my effort there and letting go of the rest. 

There *are* good men out there, they are just exceptionally hard to find. Very few of them are single though. 

The goal of life is not to be a “good” person, it’s to be a person who does good and acknowledges and apologizes and improves when they’ve done something bad. 

Nobody notices or cares if you wear the same shirt two or three days in a row when you work over Zoom. Save those laundry coins. 

It’s never too late to start something new. Discovery and learning new skills and trying new things has no age limit. 

[tame-a-messenger]

oh you're not at all delusional! she totally has a totally different and unique reaction when it comes to damien. with all the girls their dynamic it's always so supportive and they make fun of things together. with chance they bicker a lot but are clearly best friends that think the world of each other (like how they say the most wild things about the other but if someone else comes for one of them they are the first to defend and protect). with shayne it's like they live in their own little world of stuff only they find funny. it's different with damien because poking fun at each other it's their love language. it's not like the other dynamics with her because in those they are usually making fun of something else together. with damien the fun comes from making fun of each other. which for damien on smosh that's a first. this push and pull he has with angela it's not the norm at all with the other cast members. he usually vibes with them and they are all supportive of each other. which is why I think most of us were draw to them in the first place. angela doesn't hold back, angela in fact points at his face and say "you're a idiot" with her whole chest and that makes him delighted because it's said with so much affection.

it's like she already said: she didn't know that being know was her love language until she joined smosh. and what better way to being know than having your quirks point out with glee to poke fun at you while also being said with such love and attention and joy?

(and also their usual dynamic makes the moments where they are united in agreement against something or being sweet and supportive so much more special, not to repeat myself but like you know, the reddit episode did)

These two are something else I'll tell ya.

"with damien the fun comes from making fun of each other. which for damien on smosh that's a first."

I want to say this is false, but I really don't think it is. He's always been a bit ornery but with Angela being even more into picking on him makes his usual dynamic of teasing go nutszo. Nobody at Smosh teases Damien like Angela.

Case in point > "angela in fact points at his face and says "you're an idiot" with her whole chest" this is something she would 100% say, then immediately make sure that wasn't "too mean"

Want a fun similarity/proof Damien is the same way with "being known" aka being made fun of lightheartedly?

Reading between the lines, it's practically the EXACT same sentiment. "Make fun of me about things I ACTUALLY DO"

I want them back even more now...

[belovedblabber]

I’m so glad to have found other Jod enjoyers on this site. Top John Gaius “makes you want to chew on the furniture” moments?

Okay I can FINALLY take some time to answer this now, huzzah!

I have some other John related asks I'm VERY excited to answer but I have gotten far too sleepy now so I once again have to wait on those because I have a LOT to say and I am incapable of not treating everything like I'm writing an essay and bringing in citations.

But anyway, if I gave all of my top John moments this post would be a thousand miles long so I'm just going to give some of my faves. And this is in no particular order, I'm just putting them down as they come into my head

"Is that the truth, or the truth you tell yourself?" asked Augustine. "What is the difference?" said God. This exchange makes me go INSANE. I can't even be coherent about it right now, I just love how chilling John's response is, and also Muir using God here. I love her very clever choices in terms of what she calls John and when. Calling him God (or by another one of his fancy titles) can either be used for comedy (aka "Thanks," said God) but it can also be used for an absolute wham line like this one and it's just very good. I love it. It's chilling. He's so scary

When Harrow explodes G1deon and everything is going insane and then John just says "Stop" and just freezes everybody. It's such a cool moment. He just STOPS it all, I LOVE it. Also: The Emperor of the Nine houses—the Resurrection—the First Reborn—sat at the end of the table, his plain face splattered with gore, and his eyes were the death of light. Oh my GOD is that such a good line, I am deeply not coherent here but god I love this entire moment, it's such a good reminder of how powerful John is (and then him being like "I did't really want to eat human again Harrow" sdfghj)

The entire section where he reconfigures himself after Mercy exploded him. And then his killing Mercy so casually. But what I really love about it is how stone-cold he is after it all ("I never liked cleaning house all at once") I love how this scene really shows how right Augustine was earlier in the book when he told Mercy "John is never as sentimental as you think." John is so matter-of-fact and it is SO good when we see him turn on a dime like this and start cleaning house (I also love "You acted afraid—" "Acted is operative. But this is not am FAQ.") I am not explaining myself well here but I just love the way that John, who we have seen as this very affable, mellow, often very funny character throughout, turns on a dime and is suddenly so ruthless, right after killing someone who he was begging to forgive him moments before. The absolute callous tone he has ("I didn't offer it to Mercy because Mercy really pissed me off, I'm sorry to say.") is so jarring and it's GREAT. And I've seen people point to this as proof that like, 'oh John doesn't actually love them like he says he does, John is a liar he was faking his affection.' And that is SUCH a boring read. What's much more interesting, and terrifying, is the idea that John can be fully in earnest with his affection, but then just so brutally flip a switch when he's pushed. Idk, it's just a great moment. I am explaining myself poorly here I know asdfghj

"Harrowhark, nobody has the right to know," he said fiercely. "Nobody has the right to blame you. Nobody can judge. What has happened, has happened, and there's no putting it back in the box. They wouldn't understand. They don't have to. I officially relieve you from living in fear. Nobody has to know." I love this line because it's like, John are you talking about Harrow, or yourself? And with the context of NtN this becomes even more clearly John bringing his own baggage to the table. It's so good. I have a whole post brewing in my head on this subject that I am sure I'll inflict on my poor innocent followers at some point

Uhhh, every single John interlude in NtN. I know that's cheating but literally every single one had me going off my rocker.

But even more specifically, John 1:20. That entire section may be my favorite part of the book. I actually had to stop reading for a moment after I finished it (and no joke I did whisper "damn, Tamsyn" out loud and I was, in fact, crying a bit. it was also like, 6am and I had been up all night aserfghj). But seriously I wanted to pick a single part or so from this to highlight but I can't. It's all so good. And heartbreaking. John crying at C— and N— 's wedding, and eating for the first time in ages, the building desperation at the state of the world and how helpless they all feel and that bit of humanity and joy with the wedding, immediately followed by...everything else. "John, your problem is that you care less about being a saviour than you do about meting out punishment." John and Cristabel's final conversation. The absolute heart wrenching stuff with John seeing everyone die and his blurry recollection of it because holy shit it was horrendous. Literally everything else. Also THE MOMENT HE LETS GO, the entire sequence of him trying to take the earth into himself, and then the terrifying description he gives of him eating the solar system and pursuing the departing ships. Also I just really love "All those frightened people. All those run-away rats." I think I just have a very clear uh, 'line read' of that bit in my head, and I love the way he calls them frightened and then the absolute rage in the way he calls them rats. Idk, it's really clear in my head I can't really explain myself better here. But anyway yeah, the ENTIRETY of this interlude makes me go absolutely wild to the point that I cannot be coherent about it.

John 5:4, and everything John says about forgiveness, and what he'll do next, and taking his friend's memories. Again I can't really be coherent about this entire section, but I will give my fave bit from it. "There can be no forgiveness for those who walked away," he said. "Just as there can be no forgiveness for me—even though I rip the very fingers from my hands...throw them into the jaws of the monsters who hunt me...as I run from them across the universe, end to end. Something will satisfy them eventually, but nothing satisfies me. Nothing." I put that last bit in italics because it is maybe my fave line from John. There's just something about it. It's just so tragic and chilling and terrifying and I LOVE it and I love how it is sort of this like, succinct and perfect sum of the tragedy of him. Idk it's just, chef's kiss.

Okay finally, not a direct John moment per se, but this: John loved her. She was John's cavalier. She loved John. For she so loved the world that she had given them John. For the world so loved John that she had been given. For John had so loved her that he had made her she. For John had loved the world. I have so many thoughts and feelings on this that I cannot articulate but oh my goddddd. It's so good. First of all the whole playing off of John 3:16 thing. And just...the wording, the way it all flows. I cannot be coherent about this I just go insane. That ending For John had loved the world hit me like a brick the first time I read it, and continues to do so every time I reread it. There's something so simple and final and heartbreaking about it. I think it sums of the tragedy of the character and his story in one simple line. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

ANYWAY, this is an absolute ramble of an answer I know, but the prompt here was 'makes you want to chew on furniture moments' and I feel like with that vibe in mind the level of not hinged I am here is at least thematically appropriate. Also thank youuuuu for sending me this ask, it has made me very happy