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morganaspendragonss · 3 years

Note

hiya. could you write a fic where tk has a panic attack from carlos’s pov? 😘🧡

i can indeed! this is combined with an idea jamie ( @silvarafael ) had and very kindly allowed me to write - i hope you both enjoy! the first section is also based on a vague idea i had after watching the ep.

ao3 | 1.9k | 2.10 spoilers

TK is silent the entire drive home, choosing instead to stare out the window with his jaw firmly clenched, his hands making fists in his lap. The silence extends all the way into the house, right up until the point when he flops down on the couch with a loud, frustrated sigh, burying his head in his hands.

At this point, Carlos knows not to push when TK is like this; he’ll talk when he wants to, and not a moment before. So he simply walks over, sitting next to him and placing a hand on TK’s back, rubbing gentle circles. TK slowly relaxes under his touch, unfurling his body, and Carlos is all too happy to let him shift into his arms, holding on and pressing kisses on the top of his head.

I’m here, he’s saying - not with words, but he knows the message gets across regardless. It may have only been less than a year since they started dating, but already they don’t always need words to communicate.

“I’m sorry if you were uncomfortable back there,” TK says suddenly. “I know my dad kind of dragged you into it all, and that must have been awkward for you.”

“It wasn’t my favourite interaction with your dad ever,” he admits.

TK snorts. “Understatement,” he mutters, and Carlos laughs, tilting his head in agreement. “I am sorry, though, really,” TK continues. “It was amazing of you to even be there; you didn’t have to be. I’m sure there are hundreds of places you’d rather be than an intervention session for my dad.”

“You mean supporting my boyfriend through something difficult and important?” Carlos corrects gently, shifting to catch TK’s eyes. “Because there’s nowhere I’d rather be than there.”

TK blinks at him, managing to hold his gaze for all of two seconds before he blushes and looks away. He takes Carlos’s hand, tapping restlessly on the back of it - a sure-fire sign he’s still worked up about something, so Carlos leaves him be, waiting for it to come out.

“Is it bad that I’m pissed at him?” TK’s voice is quiet, small, and it’s mirrored in his body language when he turns to Carlos, drawing his legs up and hunching his shoulders. “I’ve spent my entire life trying to connect with him, and it just feels like he’s constantly throwing it all right back in my face. And he’s… He’s such a fucking hypocrite. Ever since my first overdose, he’s been going on and on about how good it is to talk about my feelings and how I shouldn’t keep things bottled up, yet he insists on hiding this shit from me.”

TK laughs, short, sharp, bordering on hysterical. “He didn’t even tell me when he was fucking dying; I had to find that out by myself. And I’ve tried. I haven’t stopped trying.” He deflates, sinking back into Carlos with a defeated sigh. “But there’s only so much I can take, you know? I can’t… I can’t keep doing this, Carlos.”

Carlos’s heart breaks for his boyfriend. He wishes he could take the pain away; as it is, all he can do is hold him, and hope that he has enough words to at least dull the ache somewhat.

“It’s not bad to feel what you feel, TK.”

TK looks up at him, eyes wide. “You don’t think so?”

He shakes his head, kissing him again. “No. I think… I think your dad has treated you pretty unfairly, actually, and you’re well within your rights to be mad at him right now. But, I also think that you said it yourself; there’s only so much you can do. Before you can take care of your dad, you have to take care of yourself, and you can’t do that if you’re worrying over him.”

If TK’s eyes were any wider, it’d be comical. “But -”

“No buts.” Carlos smiles tightly, keeping his tone gentle. “TK, babe, you just led an intervention into your dad’s mental health, which I know was hard for you, yet you did it anyway because you love him. You tried, but if he doesn’t want to engage, then there’s nothing you can do.”

TK is silent for a long time, staring down at his lap. He’s still holding Carlos’s hand in one of his own, but his free hand is rubbing the material of Carlos’s shirt between his fingers; Carlos doubts he’s even fully aware he’s doing it.

“I know that,” he says eventually, voice little more than a whisper. “I do. I just wish he wasn’t so goddamn stubborn all the time.”

Carlos’s lips quirk up in a smile, and he speaks before he can stop himself. “Guess it runs in the family.”

TK stares at him, open-mouthed, and Carlos immediately regrets his words. He’s halfway through an apology when it’s like a dam breaks, and TK breaks out in giggles, his head thumping against Carlos’s chest.

“You’re lucky I love you, Reyes.”

Carlos grins and pulls TK as close to him as physically possible. “I really am.”

The call comes early the next morning, waking both of them up. TK grumbles as he smacks his hand against the nightstand in a blind search for his phone; the sight would be adorable if Carlos weren’t so tired himself. After the exhaustion of the past few days, he’d been desperately hoping to have a peaceful morning for once, maybe even - god forbid - to spend some quality time with his boyfriend without the threat of parents or work or sudden emergencies hanging over them.

Clearly, though, it’s not to be, as TK suddenly sits bolt upright in bed, all traces of sleep gone.

“We’ll be there as soon as we can,” he promises to whoever’s on the other end, before lowering the phone and turning to stare at Carlos, terror obvious in his eyes.

“TK?” Carlos asks when he doesn’t speak, sitting up and slowly reaching out for him. TK startles at the contact, but quickly leans into it, covering Carlos’s hand with his own.

He swallows once, twice. “Buttercup’s sick,” he whispers. “Dad had to rush him to the vet’s. Carlos, what if… What if…”

He trails off, shaking his head viciously, as though he can erase the thought from his mind. Carlos quickly moves to steady him, stroking his thumbs across his cheekbones to calm him down.

“Let’s get dressed, okay?” he says, knowing reassurances won’t mean a thing right now. “Then we’ll go, and we’ll know more.”

TK just nods, quiet as they go through the motions of getting ready. Carlos makes sure to press an apple into his hand before they head out; he knows it will likely go uneaten, but it’s the only choice he has, given he knows that TK will refuse to stop for breakfast without finding out about Buttercup first.

If the drive back from Owen’s yesterday was silent, today’s is far worse. TK’s hands are constantly moving in Carlos’s periphery, alternating between fiddling with his apple, tugging on his clothes and hair, and rubbing at his face. On the rare occasion he does try to stay still, his hands end up twitching in his lap, followed by a sudden burst of anxious movement before falling back into some semblance of a pattern.

Carlos presses his lips into a firm line, accelerating more than is technically legal; at any other time he’d make a joke about how TK’s turning him into a criminal.

They’re forced to stop at a traffic light, and Carlos curses under his breath, getting jittery himself as the drive extends. He turns to check on TK, then curses again at the sight of his boyfriend’s pale face, his wide eyes and trembling body. TK gasps, then again and again, a hand going to his chest, and Carlos knows what this is.

A panic attack, but the second he reaches to help, the lights change and he’s forced to keep driving. He keeps one eye on TK the whole time, heart beating faster as he seems to get worse, and he’s thankful when he spots an opportunity to pull over, taking it immediately.

TK stares, shaking his head frantically and gesturing in a motion that Carlos takes to mean keep driving. His mouth opens and closes but he can’t form words, breaths coming short and fast. He folds in on himself when they stop, eyes closed and forehead almost touching his knees as his body heaves and shakes.

Carlos unbuckles himself and shifts as close as he can, placing one hand on TK’s back and taking his hand in the other, rubbing circles on the back of it with his thumb. He’s had to do this a few times over the course of their relationship, shootings and kidnappings and disasters taking their toll on his boyfriend.

But that doesn’t make it any less difficult.

“You’re going to be okay,” Carlos says, pushing his own fears aside. “Just breathe slowly, in and out, that’s it; it’ll be over soon, I promise.”

He keeps it up, murmuring assurances he barely registers himself until the shaking lessens and TK’s breath slowly but surely begins to even out. He straightens in his seat, eyes still closed, and leans his head against the headrest.

Carlos pulls back, giving him a moment before he asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

TK shakes his head, then immediately changes his mind and nods. Still, it takes him a few seconds to speak. “What if it’s the cancer, Carlos?” he asks, peeling his eyes open, despair written all over his features. “He could - He could die, he could be dying right this second, and I don’t know if I can handle that, not after everything else.”

“I know,” Carlos says. “You just have to remember that we don’t know anything yet, and you have to believe that Buttercup will be fine until we do know more. We’ll take it from there, and if it is the cancer - which, yes, it might be - then we’ll all be around to support each other. Buttercup’s strong, though, I’m sure he’ll fight whatever this is with everything he has. He’ll be fine.”

Carlos smiles, noticing how TK is pretty much hanging onto every word he says. He takes a deep breath, briefly looking away before continuing, “As will your dad.”

TK frowns. “Who said anything about my dad?”

“TK.”

He sighs, hanging his head. “You’re right,” he admits, “this is a little bit about my dad. The longer he puts off this surgery, the more scared I get that the cancer will come back and we won’t get as lucky this time. I know it’s stupid, and I know I should be focused on Buttercup right now, but…”

“But,” Carlos agrees, reaching out and squeezing TK’s hand. “It’s okay, and it’s not stupid at all, I promise you. Let’s just take this one thing at a time, okay? First, we’ll get to the vet’s and find out how Buttercup is, and then we’ll see about having another conversation with your dad - maybe telling him what you’ve told me?”

TK exhales shakily, then nods. “Okay. Okay.”

Carlos gives him a small smile, squeezing his hand once more before shifting back in his seat to keep driving. “I’ll be right by your side,” he can’t help but say. He’s sure TK already knows, but the reminder can’t hurt, especially after what just happened.

TK stays quiet, but Carlos doesn’t miss the mumbled, “I don’t deserve you,” from the passenger seat.

“Wrong,” he replies, eyes on the road. “You deserve the world.”

And, in his periphery, TK smiles.

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dameronology · 4 years

Text

home {poe dameron x reader}

summary: poe made a promise to always come home, and it’s one he’s determined to keep

warnings: swearing, mentions of injuries

more hurt/comfort fluff?? i almost sent myself off to sleep writing this bc of the ending and bc i am shattered. anyhoo, enjoy!

- jazz

p.s i skimmed this, but it has not been properly proof read haha oops pls bare with me, i will do it in the morning

It had only been five days.

You’d been apart from Poe for far longer than that; sometimes weeks, sometimes months. It was just part of being in the Resistance, and something you both knew you had to do, but it didn’t make it any easier. You must have had some pretty foul luck to have met the love of your life during a time in which the galaxy insisted on keeping you apart - but one look at the pilot, and all that faded away. He always made it home to you, no matter what. He’d made that promise to you pretty early in the relationship, and you knew it to be true. You could never doubt Poe.

The Blue Squadron was due back to base at midday; the mission had been pretty secretive, so the comms lines had been shut most the time. Even after begging Leia to let you man the singular one that connected you to Poe, she’d refused, knowing it would only make things worst. The General only ever spoke from experience, and she had plenty in waiting around for cocky pilots. Whilst Poe was arguably a little less reckless than Han, she knew that you would both act as a distraction to one another’s work. You were equally important to the Resistance, and she couldn’t have you moping about on a commslink for hours a day. The joke was on her for that one, because you still moped, even when you weren’t trying to reach your guy.

‘What time is it?’ You asked Finn.

‘11.56.’ He glanced over at you, eyebrows raised. ‘So the same time as when you asked thirty seconds ago.’

‘I’m just anxious.’ You grumbled. ‘I’ve been so lonely the last five days.’

‘You mean the last five days that you’ve spent with me?’

‘Hey, it’s nothing personal!’ You nudged him in the ribs. ‘You miss him too.’

‘I do.’ Finn nodded. ‘We really are just a pair of simps.’

‘Friends who simp together, stay together.’ You grinned. ‘And if me and Poe ever break up, you have first dibs.’

‘Same for you, if Rey and I ever break up-’

‘- that would require you getting together in the first place.’ You reminded him. Finn could only scowl in response.

‘I’m trying!’ He held his hands up in defense. ‘It’s just complicated.’

‘Nothing’s complicat - they’re here!’

You leapt off the crate you’d been sat on, sprinting across the hangar to where a fleet of X-Wings were grouping. Jess came in first, followed by Snap, and then Kare. Poe’s jet was the last to come in, which was unusual for him. He almost always lead the squad - aside from the time he’d managed to blow an engine and had to call you out to tow him back (it’s how you’d met, actually). Bar a few new dents and scratches, his jet looked to be in decent condition, with BB-8 whirring away from where he was perched in the back. You took that to be a good sign, even if he’d been the last to get in.

A crowd of mechanics reached the fleet before you, tools in hand and ready to repair whatever damage the First Order had thrown at them. You gave Jess a smile and a high five as you passed, but your line of sight was dead set on finding the curly-haired pilot. You had to elbow your way through the crowd, heartbeat picking up as you did. Man, you’d missed him. The last few weeks had been rough for you both and being constantly pulled apart only made it worst. All you wanted to do was to see him, to hug him and-

- You hit Poe with a thud, chests colliding. He immediately wrapped you up in his arms, pulling you tightly against his chest and burying his head against yours. He smelt faintly of jet fuel and smoke, which was fitting.

His lips were on yours the minute he’d let you go, hands tightly gripping your cheeks as he kissed you with all his might. Yeah, he’d missed you too.

‘Hey, baby.’ You couldn’t help but smile, eyes finally meeting - it didn’t last long though, not when you saw the state of his face. ‘Oh my god. Your eye! And your lip! And-’

‘- I missed you.’ Poe brushed it aside, pressing another exhausted kiss to your lips.

‘I missed you too.’ You softly sighed. ‘The fuck happened to your face, though?’

‘Just...First Order stuff.’ He bit his lip, brown eyes falling to the floor.

You sighed. ‘Shit, Poe.’

‘I know. He gently nodded. ‘I’m okay though. I’m here with you. That’s the important thing.’

‘You’re right.’ You agreed. ‘C’mon, I’ll take you to medical-’

He cut you off with a groan. ‘Let’s just go back to my room. Please?’

‘But your face.’ You gently ghosted a thumb across his bruised cheek, flinching when he shuddered slightly. ‘I mean...I have a first aid kit. I can always take a crack at it.’

‘That sounds a lot nicer than those nurse droids.’ He smiled.

‘But you have to promise to get checked over tomorrow, okay?’

‘I promise.’

Poe flung his arm across your shoulders, pulling you into his side as you headed out the hangar. His own room was actually in the opposite direction, but he practically lived with you in yours. It always felt so much nicer. You’d managed to make it a lot homier, with photos of the two of you and fairy lights strung up. The scent of your perfume always lingered in the air and sleeping in your bed was the closest he could get to you when you were away on missions. In return, he left his jumpers and hoodies laying around for you to have free reign of. It was a weak form of paying rent, but he hadn’t heard any arguments.

You could tell that Poe was tired from the way he walked. He usually had a swagger in his step, smiling at everyone who passed. Now, he was leaning on you for support, dark eyes staring dead ahead with exhaustion, his brain working at a thousand miles an hour to process what he’d witnessed over the last few days. You’d been on his mind the entire time.

‘Here we go.’ You gently lead him to the bed, helping him shrug off his charred flight suit. He caught your lips in a chaste kiss as you moved it off his shoulders, hands suddenly grabbing yours.

‘You know I love you, right?’

‘Of course. I love you too.’ You murmured. ‘Is something up?’

Poe pulled you down onto the bed beside him, eyes finally meeting yours. ‘I just...I got captured on the mission. Very briefly, but still. It was scary, and there was a moment when I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it back.’

‘Poe.’ Your breath caught in your throat. ‘Is that why your face is all...’

‘Like this?’ He chuckled slightly. ‘Yeah. I’m sorry.’

‘Hey, don’t be.’ You squeezed his hands. ‘It’s not your fault, and like you said earlier, the important thing is that you here now.’

‘I know, but I promised you, didn’t I? That I’d always come home?’

‘And you did.’ You pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. ‘Now c’mon, I gotta stitch you up before this scars.’

‘I reckon I’d look hot with a couple battle scars, y’know.’

‘You would, but I’d rather you not bleed out all over my sheets for the sake of vanity.’ You smiled.

Digging out your first aid kit, you grabbed a few cotton swabs and some bacta spray. You weren’t a nurse, but your medical skills weren’t terrible either. After a few too many injuries and close calls out in the field, you’d learnt the basics. Half of the scars on Poe’s body had been from your handiwork after he’d been injured -- some of them were a little wonky, but he hadn’t died yet, so you figured you’d done a decent job. The ones he’d done for you were much neater but in your defense, he was reckless as fuck and had a ton more experience in dealing with injuries.

On the bright side, Poe’s torso seemed fine and relatively uninjured. The white shirt he was wearing was only smeared with soot from the blaster fire, and his bare arms were broad and uninjured, save for one scrape on his left bicep. Okay, maybe the broad part wasn’t relevant to the context, but it was definitely relevant on the whole. He did have good arms. You only ever truly felt safe when they were wrapped around you.

‘This might sting a little bit.’ You crouched between his legs, pouring a little bit of bacta spray onto the cotton swab. You gently wiped it across his forehead, doing a double take when he let out a hiss of pain. ‘You okay, baby?’

‘Yeah, I’m good.’ Poe’s eyes met yours, and he gave you a half smile. ‘Better now that you’re here.’

It didn’t take too long to clean up the rest of his cuts and bruises; they were relatively minor given what he’d been through. The last time he’d been caught by the First Order on Jakku, he’d come home ten times worse than this. You’d spent days by his side in the medical room, mostly chiding him for how funny he looked in the bactasuit, but also to offer emotional support. The duality of love.

You finished up by wrapping a bandage around the cut on his left arm, gently tying it in place with a safety pin. It was enough to keep it clean and safe until tomorrow, when you’d hopefully be able to convince him to see an actual nurse. You knew that for now, he was tired and probably just wanted to rest. His eyes were sunken with tiredness, and his body had become more and more slumped as you’d gone about cleaning him up. Poe never slept well on missions; a mixture of anxiety and your absence always made for a bad night’s sleep.

‘That should keep you in one piece for now.’ You said, running a hand through his hair. Poe leant into your touch, pressing a kiss to your wrist. ‘You should get some sleep.’

‘Mmm.’ He murmured. ‘You’re staying, right?’

'Absolutely.’ You offered him a soft smile. ‘Gotta lose the boots though. These are clean sheets.’

‘Can you do it for me?’ He asked, flopping back against the mattress.

You rolled your eyes at his...Poe-ness, before leaning down and unzipping his shoes, tossing them in a pile across the room. Yours joined them, followed by your jacket and the crumpled flight suit. That was something else to worry about tomorrow. For now, your main focus was him.

Poe climbed under the covers, shuffling across to make room for you. He reached out to you as you joined him, naturally wrapping his arms around your shoulders and pulling you into his side. The tiredness really hit him then, and you could feel his body untense as you pressed a kiss to his jaw. His body was warm against yours, which was a welcome contrast after sleeping alone for the last few nights.

‘I love you.’ Poe murmured quietly.

‘I love you too.’ You peered up at him with a smile.

‘And I’ll always come home to you.’ He gave your shoulders a light squeeze. ‘You know that, right?’

‘I do.’

‘I’ll never break a promise to you.’

‘I know.’ You softly sighed, trying to move closer to him (as though it were even possible).

It was hard for him to fight the exhaustion now that he was laying with you -- after a few moments, his breathing became a little deeper, and his grip on you a little looser. You pressed one last kiss to his cheek, before settling back against his side and letting sleep over take you.

#poe dameron x reader #poe dameron x you #poe dameron fluff #poe dameron imagines #poe dameron imagine #poe dameron blurb #poe x reader #poe x you #poe fluff #poe imagines #poe imagine #poe blurb #star wars x reader #star wars x you #star wars fluff #star wars imagines #star wars imagine

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snapdragon-mina · 4 years

Text

Sunflowers and Snakes

Pairing: Dabi x Reader x Hawks

A/n: Written for the Bnha spring time event. Hi @amaamajiki , I'm your anon! I really hope you like this lmao.

Word Count: 2.25k

Warnings: Sorta spoilers for bnha, swearing, blood mention, Suggestive themes(Very very minor)

For the first time in about a month, You could go home on time. The restaurant you worked in constantly asked for you to work overtime. The only reason you continuously agreed was for that sweet sweet paycheck. Fortunately, everyone else was at work and did their jobs, so you were free to go home and cuddle the shit out of your dog.

When you got home, all you could hear was the sound of paws on wood before your life flashed before your eyes. Seems your dog missed you a little too much because he pounced, knocking you off balance, and eagerly started licking your face.

"Okay! Okay! Hey let's make a deal. If you get off of me, I'll give you a surprise?" You held your dog away from your face with one arm, while wiping off the sheer amount of dog slobber that was on your face with the other. The dog paused as if he were thinking before moving off of you and sitting down with a sharp bark.

"That's a good boy." You smiled at him before turning on the TV for background noise. You walked into the kitchen to fix your dog's food. After pouring the food into the bowl, you stuck a lil treat in there. Boom! Recipe for a happy Schnauzer. The moment you sat the bowl down, he shot forwards and barely gave you back out of the way.

Shaking your head, you walked back into your living room and sat on the couch. Moments of complete peace were hard to come by. After the fall of All Might, nobody was really safe. I mean, Endeavor doesn't give a shit about his fans, so why should you trust him to protect you?

From what you gathered, the number two hero, Hawks has actually started searching for his soulmate. When asked to show off his tattoo, he refused. Something about "The thrill of the hunt".

Tattoos are typically two of a kind. Only two people would have the same tattoo. Speaking of soulmate tattoos, Yours was a Snake winding around a single sunflower. It was actually huge, since it covered your entire left arm. It was a really cool design when you think about it.

A small whine managed to shake you out of your thoughts. You got up, grabbed the yellow leash, and hooked it to the matching yellow collar your dog wore. "Come on pretty pup, it's been awhile since I've had time to go on a walk, huh?"

He barked in response as his stubby little tail wagged rapidly. You opened the door and locked it behind you before letting yourself be led by your dog. Around five minutes into the walk, you felt your arm grow warm. Apparently your soulmate was close. It was like a game of hot and cold until you bumped into a guy with a black trenchcoat. Your arm felt extremely hot, so you looked at him.

"You gonna apologize? You were the one that bumped into me." He had a relatively bored tone of voice. He was eerily calm for someone to be in this scenario. It felt like his eyes were staring deeply into your soul.

"Yeah uh, sorry… But-" You couldn't even finish your sentence, because he walked off with a dismissive wave. You wanted to follow after him, but your dear dog had decided he wanted to shit right then and there. You were forced to wait on him to finish.

After cleaning up and disposing of the waste, you just decided to go back home to get some much deserved rest.

•••

Two weeks later, you had a day off and it was really nice outside, so why not go for a walk through the forest? You went through your typical morning routine and got dressed. You fed your dog and took him out for a bit. "Alright pup, I'll be back soon, okay?" You blew a lil air kiss and left the house.

After roughly 15 minutes, you reached a clearing in the forest. It was peaceful and nothing seemed to be out of place. There was a river a few steps away from you, and all sorts of flowers blooming. The trees actually provided very nice shade. You wouldn't mind living out here or at least somewhere just as peaceful as it was out here.

You took a deep breath and sat on a nearby stump, just taking in nature. You didn't get to enjoy the peace for long, due to the sudden burn on your left arm. Your soulmate was quickly approaching your location. You glanced around, but didn't see anyone. Yet your arm was getting warmer and warmer.

Suddenly, a voice spoke out. "You're the person from that night, right?"

You recognized that voice. You focused on where the sound came from and fixated on where he was standing. He was leaning against a tree with his arms crossed. "Yeah, I am. Hey can I-"

"I'm not your soulmate." He interjected. You shot him a confused look. There was no way you were wrong about this. "Don't believe me? I don't even have a tattoo." He held up both of his scarred arms.

This only served to confuse you more. "Yeah no, I'm right. There's no fucking way I'm wrong." You shot back. He raised an eyebrow at you.

"Are you sure about that? People are born without soulmates, y'know." He said.

"Let's say you aren't my soulmate. Why the hell did you follow me here?" You sighed, already annoyed that he ruined your perfectly peaceful moment.

"Because I know who is."

"Why would you help me? You don't seem like the type to help someone just out of the kindness of your heart." You narrowed your eyes and he laughed. He laughed at you.

"Oh trust me, I'll be getting a pretty little payment for this," His eyes shone with amusement. "Follow me."

He walked off. Bold of him to assume you were gonna follow him. You stayed put for a moment before ultimately realizing it was useless. You had to speed walk to catch up to him. He walked out of the forest and towards a building that was pretty much hidden from view.

Your arm was still extremely warm, due to you being close to the strange man. Hold on. You don't even know his name and yet you followed him to some secluded building where he's probably gonna-

"Dabi."

The statement broke you out of your train of thought. That was… weirdly coincidental. He suddenly announced his name just as your mind began to wander. "Yeah… I'm Y/l/n Y/n…"

He just hummed in response, as he continued to lead you through the strange building. Eventually the two of you came to a stop. The both of you stood in front of a door that had been painted red. He didn't even bother knocking and simply opened the door, revealing none other than the number two hero.

Hawks' head perked up at the sound of the door opening and grinned lazily. "Hey, thanks again for bringing her." He had a glint in his eyes. Like he knew something you didn't.

"Mhm. I'm expecting my… you piece of shit." Dabi trailed off before there was suddenly emotion in his voice. It definitely wasn't a good one. Had something happened between the two of them? Should you leave? Yeah… you definitely should. Dabi seemed extremely hostile and you were getting bad vibes. You went to take a step back but paused when you felt a hand tightly grip your wrist.

"Huh?"

"You aren't going anywhere" His eyes were still focused on Hawks. Nobody moved for a moment before suddenly, the hostility drained from the air. Dabi let go of your wrist and walked out of the room.

"Hawks-"

"Call me Keigo."

"Okay, Keigo… can you explain to me why I'm here?" The past like 5 minutes was a trip from start to finish and you really wanted answers. Keigo patted the spot next to him, so you took a seat and waited for him to start.

"Your arm still feels really warm despite Dabi no longer being in the room, right?" His feathers ruffled slightly as a breeze drifted through the window. You nodded, unsure of what to think before it hit you. His grin got wider and he removed his jacket. "Well, Y/n, we're soulmates." He held out his left arm for you to see. Low and behold, The exact same tattoo was covering it.

You felt extremely happy that you'd found your soulmate, but still extremely confused. How did your tattoo still burn in Dabi's presence if Hawks was your soulmate? It didn't make sense.

"I should probably explain Dabi since he won't do it himself, and you're probably hella confused. Dabi is also our soulmate."

That… that actually makes sense. You nod as Hawks explains everything and suddenly he gets to a topic that you'd been curious about for a while now.

"Because of his scarring, he no longer has the tattoo. But nature had him covered because he developed a telepathic connection to both of us. Aka, he can very easily read our minds."

That made even more sense. But that doesn't explain why he refused you as a soulmate. You shook off that thought and decided to get to know Hawks a little better. Eventually the two of you came to an agreement. Since you liked to cook, and he liked eating, sometime this month, you'd bake or fry chicken for him.

It was starting to get dark and your dog probably missed you, so you decided to try to find Dabi.

Dabi did not want to be found. It took you 30 minutes to finally get to him, and when you did he ignored any small talk you tried to initiate. Eventually he grew tired of your shit. "Look, I'm not your soulmate. Leave me alone."

"Yeah? Bullshit. Hawks explained everything to me. Why are you brushing me off?"

"I don't fucking need a soulmate. Certainly not someone like you or Hawks." He snarled, turning on his heels to walk away.

"I don't care about what you think you need. You need us, you can't deny that!" You argued back. You were really starting to get sick of this.

"I can and I will."

And with that, he walked away. You balled your hands into fists tightly. You would've stayed, but your dog needed someone to take care of him.

•••

Almost a month had gone by since that argument, between you and Dabi and you hadn't heard from him since. Hawks moved in and actively bothered the hell out of your dog. He would complain about him biting his feathers, but you would often catch him sleeping with y/d/n curled up at his side.

You were in the middle of baking cookies when a crash could be heard from within the house. You grabbed a kitchen knife and went to investigate the sound. It couldn't have been the dog, he was asleep when the crash was heard. Silently walking into the room the sound was heard from, you were kinda shocked to see him.

He had numerous cuts in various sizes on his body. All of them were bleeding. "I just need somewhere to lay low for a bit, I'll be gone by morning."

"Dabi…" Your heart ached at the sight of him, but you refused to be someone he could walk all over. "Get out."

It seemed like he was too preoccupied to listen to your thoughts, because your words shocked him. "...Out? Y/n, it's me."

"I know. But you said you didn't need us, yet here you are." You stood your ground and he stared up at you for a moment. He was analyzing you, seeming like he was studying you for a weakness he could exploit.

He let out a sigh and spoke under his breath. You raised an eyebrow at this and he cleared his throat before speaking up. "...I'm sorry. I just… don't want the two of you dragged down with me."

"Elaborate." You demanded and he nodded.

"I'm a villain, you're a civilian, and Hawks is the number two hero. Being associated with me is like killing your chances to actually do something with your life." He hissed out. Seemed like the pain from his wounds was getting to him.

You helped him up and led him into the bathroom. There, you cleaned up and bandaged his wounds. He studied your face carefully and you worked. "No hard feelings?"

"No hard feelings. But Keigo should be getting home soon, so you're gonna have to relay your little speech again." You snorted as you finished up. He stood up and walked out of the bathroom with you trailing behind him.

The two of you walked into the kitchen. You pulled the cookies out of the oven and offered one up as a peace treaty. He rolled his eyes and pecked you on your lips as a peace treaty.

A minute or so later, Hawks walked in. He noticed Dabi sitting on the counter with a chamomile flower crown on his head. How you managed to get him to wear that is unknown to humanity.

"Yeah, I'm gonna live here from now on. And no, you won't be topping."

Hawks rolled his eyes as you laughed. "At least you're not being a pussy about soulmates anymore."

"Fuck you too."

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we-always-hit-our-ass · 4 years

Note

Heyyyy uh I love your stuff and I had an idea that wont let me sleep 😂 What if like the reader was mia or something and everyone was really upset and nervous and cobb kept saying how you were dead until doc roe just has enough of his bullshit and just punches him. (Feel free to change the character i just thought doc losing his composure was an interesting concept) bonus points for romantic connection? Im sorry if this is horrible im vry vry tired

Taglist: @radiantcade, @deldontplay, @thatsonefishyboi, @noneofurbusinez, @meteora-fc, @hufflepuffpancakes

yo i can totally get why this idea wouldn’t let u sleep. its because its damn good-

lovely anon, this one is for you ;))))

also italic means past events-

words: 2.8k words (aww srry if its shorter than my other fics)

warnings: some violence, cursing, ANGST and sadly no resolved or happy ending :’((((

btw thank u @radiantcade for tellin me to make a taglist, major kudos to u ma’am. btw if you want to be added just hmu, no worries ;)))

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder (Eugene Roe x Reader)

---------------------

“Aw, Genie! Don’t look at me that way!”

“Looking at you like what?”

“Like you’re mad! C’mon Genie, it was only a joke! Y’know I didn’t mean to make you upset by taking your morphine-”

Gene shot you a look which seemed to look like a mix of exasperation and annoyance. He stiffly grabbed the small packets of morphine that were being held in your grip. Eugene then quickly stuffed them in his pocket before walking away from your position with his signature blank look.

“I’m not mad.”

“Hey! You are! I can tell by your face.”

You followed after him, desperate for him to accept your apology, or at least for him to give you a smile. You desperately tried to keep up with him, his brisk pace making it a challenge for you to walk by his side.

“Well, this is the face I got.”

He walked faster, seemingly trying to avoid or lose you. He walked through buildings, dove straight forward into crowds of people, or even going as far as to tell someone to block you. You still made haste though, and in no time were already hot on his heel.

You grew tired of it and reached out to grab his hand. After you had his hand in yours, he stopped immediately and turned slowly to face you.

“For someone who’s mad, you’re acting awfully childish.”

“(Y/N), for the last time, I’m not mad. I can never get mad at you”

“Then what are you?”

You stood in front of him with one eyebrow quirked up and your hands on your hips. You tapped your foot on the ground as you waited for an answer.

You were left shocked as he pushed by you. He was only a couple steps away from you until he turned with a small smile and gave you a shrug before heading back to the Med Bay.

---------------------

It was that day, the day that Eugene Roe realized how much he cared for you.

It’s been four days since you disappeared from Easy Company. Four. Fucking. Days. Everybody was extremely worried and your absence has made everyone tense.

If someone as lovable and skilled as you was missing, then they certainly wouldn’t stand a chance.

The men weren’t the same and it took a significant toll on every single one of them. But it especially took a large toll on the Cajun medic. Eugene couldn’t believe it. He refused to. He refused to believe that you weren’t there with them for four days.

Where the fuck were you? That was the thought on everyone’s minds.

Eugene couldn’t comprehend it. It felt like only yesterday that you were there right beside him, making him turn as red as his nose and making his heart pound like a drum.

Memories of you were still fresh on his mind, and they always seemed to taunt him.

He’d think of scenarios of you not being missing and how’d it was all just a big stupid joke or dream. Your face was all he could think about and his heart clenched every time.

It was soul-crushing, and he despised it. Eugene couldn’t focus since the day you were reported gone. Of course, he was fine after a few days, but the feeling of unease and tension grew with each passing moment. It gnawed on him continuously, but he couldn’t stop it.

(E/C) eyes and (H/C) hair was what he only wanted to see. But then he would see those beautiful eyes of yours dull and void of life, your once soft hair then greasy and matted with dried blood. Eugene would wake up in a cold sweat, the beating of his heart deafening him.

Everyone noticed his changed demeanor. Eugene got more cold, a little more distant and stand-offish. His personality mirrored everybody else’s after they got the news. But he was the one that was most affected. That was a fact.

Eugene was spacing off more than what was necessary. He was constantly in a daze and of course slower in his work. It was only when someone was injured that he was moving fast. But even then, he still wasn’t focused.

The spark of life in him was extinguished and that affected his work. He’d sometimes forget what he was doing, causing one of his patients to scream at his ear.

It wasn’t the first time it happened. As the days went by, the more Eugene got caught up with his thoughts on your being.

It caused him to get a nice chat with Winters on why he was acting like this.

“Roe… I know that it just might be nothing, but I noticed that you aren’t the same. Like something’s been bothering you. May I ask why you’re acting like this.”

“Sir, I think you already know of (Y/N) being MIA.”

Winters immediately looked down, as even someone with such authority like him was distraught about you. Winters quickly looked up and cleared his throat, eyes full or sorrow like Gene’s.

Eugene straightened his back and he gripped onto the fabric of his pants.

“Of course… It’s been affecting everyone. I just wish that she was back with us. Do you still believe that she’s alive, Roe?”

“Of course, sir. I’m sure that she’ll turn up. Someday.”

“Maybe, Roe…” Winters nodded towards Eugene with a tight smile. “Dismissed.”

Eugene was being hit with numerous waves of anger, sadness, and worry. All five stages of grief were being experienced at the same time. He walked away, and even if he was supposed to be used to it by now, he couldn’t muster the courage to do so.

Images you being held prisoner and being tortured by the German Army scared him. Then images of you lying on the ground, fresh bullet wound on your head, the crimson liquid running down your face and onto the ground to create a morbid halo flashed afterwards.

Eugene did nothing but drown in his thoughts underneath a tree nearby after that.

-------------------

“Gene?”

“Yes, mon ange?”

“Why do you always call me that?”

“For starters… You are one.”

“One of what?”

“An angel. ‘Mon ange’ means ‘my angel’. I also call you that because… Like I said, I am sure that you are one yourself. I wouldn’t believe you if you said you weren’t.”

The sun beamed down upon the two of you as you sat upon the grassy field. Your eyes were on the lush green trees in the distance, Eugene’s eyes, however, were fixed upon your face. You seemed oblivious to it, fortunately for him.

You smiled and you turned your eyes to meet his, and you reached your (S/C) hands to intertwine with his bigger ones. You turned back to set your gaze on the forest, but the dark-haired man’s look never averted.

“Gene…”

“Hm?”

“You really think that?”

“Of course I do. God forbid the day I stop calling you mon ange.”

You rested your head on his shoulders, as the sun set over the horizon. Eugene tensed up momentarily before he relaxed, taking in your warm presence and happy demeanor. You tightened your hold on his hand and a smile crept on your lips.

“Je t’aime, mon ange…”

“I love you too, Genie.”

------------------

It had been more that a week since any sign of you. Some of the paratroopers had already seemed to have given up hoping for you to magically come back. No one dared to mention you, it was already too much to handle. Some of the privates that you knew couldn’t say your name without tearing up.

Eugene felt like that too, but he was too cold to let anybody see him that way.

Most of Easy Company still held on to their feeble thoughts and dreams however. Eugene was one of them.

He waited for a sign. Any sign. No matter how insignificant or small, he wanted one. He just wanted a sign that reassured him that you were indeed fine and well.

Eugene of course waited patiently for it. His nights were spent praying for you to return to them. Most importantly, to return to him.

By then he would make sure that you would always be by his side. By then he’d also make sure that he won’t take those fleeting moments he spends with you for granted.

Eugene already did that too much and those were one of the many things he regrets. If he ever sees your face again, he’ll make sure to make you his the moment he lays his eyes on you. That was exactly what he was going to do.

For the time being, Eugene and a few of the boys from Easy Company were lazing around in their bunks, and some already sleeping. They were practically waiting for anything. Orders. An attack. Maybe even you returning...

Moments like these passed uneventfully. That was what Eugene always thought. The soft rumbling and muffled sounds of German artillery hitting something didn’t surprise them anymore.

“Why are you all so quiet?”

A familiar annoying voice rang out through the room and most heads turned towards the culprit. Eugene mildly disliked Cobb, he was annoying sure, but he didn’t really do anything to make Eugene’s blood boil. Others ignored him, seemingly thinking that dealing with Cobb just isn’t worth it.

Cobb had a different plan. As soon as he saw that nobody paid attention and answered his question, he opened his mouth and crossed the line that no man in Easy Company has ever dared to step over.

“Are you guys still thinking about (Y/N)?

The air immediately grew stagnant and sour, and the men of Easy turned to face Cobb, who had a very shit-eating grin on his face. Eugene was one of the men who turned to him, and he glared hard at Cobb.

“Oh come on, she’s clearly dead.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Cobb.” George snapped at Cobb, who didn’t seem to listen.

The air was full of tension and every man in the room wanted to throw Cobb into a fucking fire. Eugene then turned away, anger gnawing at his mind. Some of the men were clearly in discomfort, one of them even excusing themselves from the room.

“Just think about it, a girl, like her? She’s clearly gone, I mean she’s been missing for what? A week? Take a look at people who’ve been missin’ for a day. Look where they ended up. They ended up dead.”

“Do you not know when to shut your fucking mouth?”

“Well all of you are really stupid for believing she’s going to come back! She’s fucking dead, get over it. What’s so special about her anyway, huh?”

Liebgott sprung from his seat and walked to stand face to face with Cobb. Eugene begged for Cobb to shut up for once. The dark-haired man narrowed his eyes at Cobb, his lips pursing as he sat tense in his seat.

You didn’t deserve this. You didn’t deserve to disappear and to be talked in this way by a man who had the same brain capacity as fucking rock.

Eugene clenched his fists as he looked down on his lap. It took all of his will to not strangle Cobb right then and there.

Cobb’s pestering voice kept ranging out throughout the room, the men were trying their best to make him stop his bullshit. It was like a buzzing mosquito next to Eugene’s ear, and he wanted it gone.

“(Y/N)’s dead, you fucking idiots. All of Easy Company would be way better without her anywa-”

“Shut up. Shut up!”

Eugene lunged from his chair, the creaking of the wooden air on the cold ground rang throughout the air. But it wasn’t the harsh creaking that made everyone silent. It was the fact that Eugene Roe, the cold medic who kept to himself, snapped. Immediately everyone’s eyes widened as they eyed Eugene.

The Cajun man felt nothing but pure, unfiltered rage as he looked straight into Cobb’s eyes. He couldn’t tell, but Eugene was shaking. His clenched fist raised up in the air to direct itself into Cobb’s jaw.

A sickening crack was heard as Cobb fell into the floor and Eugene only looked in indifference.

Cobb fell down on the floor as he cried out, the eyes of the men in the room only widened further as they looked to each other for any sort of answer as to what came over Eugene.

Everyone knew that you and Eugene were close, rumours were even spreading around that you two were dating, which turned out to be true.

They weren’t anticipating Eugene almost knocking out Cobb though. It was bound to happen, anyway. Eugene couldn’t let you get insulted by Cobb, he didn’t stand up for it. The angry red feeling was intense as it coursed through his entire body as he opened his lips to speak again.

“Do you even hear yourself, you selfish bastard? You only care about yourself and you never take into consideration what's going on, do you? If (Y/N) is dead, so what? She’s still a better soldier and person than you are.”

Cobb sat still as Eugene went on his rant, his hand clenching his aching jaw and head. Eugene was seething beyond recognition and everyone just looked in shock.

“-I don’t get it! How come she gets to die while you stay here with us? How come it isn’t you in her place? How come you’re the one here instead of her?”

Harsh words flew from Eugene’s mouth, each syllable was laced in venom and his accent making each word hurt more. Eugene pointed at Cobb repeatedly as he raised his hands. During his anger-filled speech, the photograph he kept with him fell to the ground.

Eugene fell silent as he went up to pick up the picture. It was a photograph of you. You were smiling with not a care in the world. You were wearing your uniform proudly as you showed off your jump wings to the camera. You were beautiful...

But most importantly, you were still there with him. As reality dropped down upon him like a pile of bricks and he hurriedly shoved the faded photograph into his pocket.

His eyes fell upon a shaken Cobb and his anger was only fueled more. He stood up straighter and his eyebrows furrowed more.

“She deserved it way more than you! (Y/N) didn’t need people talking about her behind her back! (Y/N) didn’t need to be separated from us! So tell me, why on Earth are you not gone, but she is? Give me a good reason!”

Cobb stayed silent as he mumbled angrily under his breath while clutching his jaw, his eyes were narrowed at Eugene who stared back.

“Get the fuck out.”

Immediately Cobb git back on his feet, his hands grabbing the wall for support before stumbling for the door to outside. Cobb threw one last glare at Eugene before opening the door and heading out of the building.

The slam of the door echoed in the building, and heads turned towards the medic. Eugene stood in his spot, eyes glued to the closed door where Cobb had just left.

His chest was still rising up and down heavily, and exasperated breaths were pulled from his mouth. George slowly brought up a hand to go onto Eugene’s shoulder, but Eugene pulled away before he could.

“Eugene?”

“I’m going outside…”

His deep voice was menacing, but they held deep amounts of pure and utter despair. The boys decided to let him go as they saw his state. Heavy footsteps were heard as Eugene walked to the door.

He hesitated for a moment before heading out in the cold, biting air. Eugene gingerly took the photo from his pocket and he held it by his fingertips as he lovingly gazed at your smiling face.

He sat on the debris near the stone building, but it was hidden from sight, giving him time to himself. The medic looked at the photograph with a melancholy expression, another tight smile was brought on his face.

The world was cruel, Eugene knew that, but he never experienced it this hard. The pain from losing a patient or friend in his hands was incomparable to the pain he felt at this moment. The snow fell on the ground, a calm and serene sight. Which was a complete opposite of Eugene.

Soft yet clear sniffles were heard as fresh tears dropped on the snow below. He tried to choke back tears, but they ran down his cold cheeks.

Eugene brought his hands to wipe them away, but they were quickly replaced. His lip quivered and Eugene attempted to stay as quiet as he could. He stifled more cries and whimpers and he leaned his head back.

That photo taunted him.

Your smiling face in the photograph only brought him temporary relief and happiness, but he needed the real you. Eugene loved you so much. Maybe a litte too much.

But you would never know the extent of his love… Your fate was unknown, but his hopes were crushed as soon as those dreaded words left Cobb’s lips.

Eugene Roe, the now dazed and distant medic of Easy Company, has finally broken.

-------------------

-----------------

im not crying i swear-

btw sorry this is shorter than my other fics but i hope you liked what i did! im sorry if it didnt come up the way you would have wanted but hopefully you still enjoy it!

but this request got me fucked up and i sort of wanted to torture myself by writing angst-

anyways thank you sweet anon!😭💕💕

#band of brothers #eugene roe #band of brothers x reader #eugene roe x reader #gene roe x reader #band of brothers fic #band of brothers fanfic #band of brothers fanfiction #gene roe #doc roe #band of brothers imagine #eugene roe imagine #doc roe imagine #eugene roe fanfiction #eugene roe oneshot #band of brothers oneshot #hbo war #hbo war fanfiction

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4bsynthe4ngel · 4 years

Text

Messages for the Signs this Weekend ! (2/5/21 - 2/7/21)

Applies to all major placements!

Aries:

KEY WORDS: Faith, Patience, Peace, Rest, Reflect

Aries, let go of the need to control everything! Relax! Have faith in your guides! They’re basically screaming that you need to let go of the need to know all the answers and start going with the flow more. You seem hyper-fixated on a goal when in all reality there’s something much better for you out there that you aren’t giving yourself the time to see. Stop overworking yourself, you are allowed to rest. I’m hearing that a lot of you need to take a walk to ground yourself. Pay attention to nature and all of the beautiful things around you, please stop getting so caught up in life!

Taurus:

KEY WORDS: Dreams, Boundaries, Independence, Pleasure, Achievement, Trust, Passion

Wow taurus, there’s a lot to go over here! First of all, theres a huge emphasis on dreams here. You guys need to pay a lot more attention to your dreams, your guides are trying to tell you something! I’m seeing that you guys might be a little confused on where you’re supposed to be going in life. Like you spent so much time doing what others wanted you to do and now you’re not quite sure what you actually want anymore. Think back to what you loved as a child, this will give you a hint on where you should be going. You probably still love all of the little things you loved as a child. Resurrect those passions, it’ll be so relieving. Listen, and don’t act like you didn’t just read this. STOP LETTING THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU CONTROL WHAT YOU DO. ASSERT YOUR BOUNDARIES. TRUST YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN DECISIONS. YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH.

Gemini:

KEY WORDS: Wait, Listening, Self-Love, Support, Connection, Playfulness

Geminis, spend some time with your family this weekend, or if your family sucks, your friends. If you have a younger sibling, a friend with a younger sibling, your own child, or just a young child around you, spend some time with them. There’s a lot we can learn from children! Nourish your inner child by letting loose and spending some time around kids! Remember that sense of joy that you’ve forgotten. Also, relax! Take care of your body by giving it a break. Meditate! It seems like a lot of you are avoiding inner child work. That’s your focus this weekend. Nourish your inner child.

Cancer:

KEY WORDS: Wait, Tenderness, Awareness, Friendship, Power, Self-Love, Clearing

Alright cancers, your act of self care this week is cleaning. Some of you seem a little stuck in the past and the best way I’m seeing to fix that right now is to clean! Clear out your closet, get rid of all the things you don’t wear, don’t like, don’t want, etc. Make your bed, run yourself a nice bath, relax, think about all the things you appreciate about yourself, and then jump into those fresh bedsheets in your favorite oversized tshirt and let yourself be comfortable. Oh, and call a friend! (or text them or something it doesn’t really matter just stop isolating yourself so much!) Quarantining is one thing, and I know it feels nice to be alone, but PLEASE stop isolating yourself so much, hang out with a friend, they miss you (and you miss them a lot more than you realize). Plus, it’ll get you out of your head and in the present moment. You can only sit around and think about the past so much, cancer.

Virgo:

KEY WORDS: Peace, Patience, Rejuvenation, Power, Self-Love

Listen virgo, I know y’all are some control freaks, but your guides are getting tired of your shit, and so are you. PLEASE get some rest in this weekend. You are powerful, but you don’t have to spend every waking moment trying to prove that to yourself. Slow down, stop stressing yourself, your body is NOT appreciating it. It seems like a lot of you haven’t been sleeping very well because you won’t stop STRESSING YOURSELVES. Just like aries, you don’t need to have all the answers right now, you don’t always need to know everything. Your guides have your back, I promise, stop worrying. Your act of self care this weekend is getting some good fucking sleep.

Leo:

KEY WORDS: Faith, Power, Rejuvenation, Self-Love, Time, Listening

Alright leos, y’all better start listening to your intuition RIGHT NEOW!! Y’all are so powerful but you doubt yourselves SO MUCH. STOP IT! You need to learn the difference between intuition and paranoia but you’ll never learn if you never listen to yourself to figure out the difference! Also, drink some fucking water. please. Dehydrated mfs. For some reason I’m seeing a lot of you taking a fully clothed shower in the dark, but not because you don’t like yourselves or anything, just because it sounds relieving, and omg it will be. I’m feeling a LOT of tension release from that. Also, y’all need to fix your sleep schedules. “Humans literally spend a third of our lives asleep, that’s a waste of time” is not a valid point. stop it. sleep. Your body is done with your shit.

Libra:

KEY WORDS: Playfulness, Pleasure, Creativity, Relaxation, Independence, Reflect, Risk

Libras, just like gemini, y’all should spend some time with children this weekend. I’m definitely seeing finger-painting or drawing with sidewalk chalk. Remember the pleasures of the little things, let yourself feel that joy. Y’all have the power to move mountains, but you’re caught up in proving that to yourself. Not everything is a mountain, and not everything has to be. Decide where to direct your energy, because putting your energy into making molehills into mountains is getting really exhausting. Give yourselves some time to chill the fuck out. You don’t need to be doing something all the time. I’m getting a lot of capricorn “what am I if I’m not productive?” energy, stop it. Don’t let the capitalist brain get to you. If you really can’t stand doing “nothing”, do some art. It doesn’t have to be good, just let that stress out on a canvas, or a sidewalk, it’ll feel great, trust me.

Scorpio:

KEY WORDS: Rest, Peace, Patience, Revelation

Scorpio, y’all need to learn to be patient. There’s something amazing coming to you if you just learn to wait for it instead of chasing the first offer you see. I’m not sure what else to say actually, this is a super clear message. Y’all just need to wait and stop chasing what you think you want so hard. Rest and re-evaluate. The right path will reveal itself when you find it in you to release this one. It’s okay to not know where youre going, you’ll figure it out, I promise. Stop stressing, scorpios.

Sagittarius:

KEY WORDS: Connection, Support, Priorities

Oooohh, y’all are gonna be spending some time with a special someone this weekend, or if you’re single, some friends! I’m seeing some deep conversations going on and an opportunity to offer your support and advice to someone. This will feel relieving. You might’ve forgotten how nice it can feel to help others with how much you’ve been focusing on yourselves lately. Everyone is seeing the glow-up, I promise, but now is the time to share that growth with others! You also might be evaluating who is actually worth your energy this weekend. You might receive a lot of offers. You know in your heart which ones are worth your time. You won’t make the wrong decision, sag.

Capricorn:

KEY WORDS: Self-Respect, Friendship, Magnificence, Wait, Wisdom

I’m seeing some of you doubting your intuition recently, or generally feeling a little blocked. Learn to trust yourself, and understand your self-worth, y’all, stop getting so down on yourselves. You are amazing, unique, and powerful, without ever having to prove it to yourself (or anyone else for that matter). Spending some time with friends will help you realize this. Call up a friend this weekend and do something random. Don’t plan anything out, just meet up and do whatever feels right. Y’all really need to let go of your need for control, and this is your first exercise in it.

Aquarius:

KEY WORDS: Dance, Self-Respect, Wisdom, Risk, Guidance

Holy fuck, Aquas. Y’all are really being called to make some moves this weekend. I see a lot of you have been thinking of trying to monetize a talent or just otherwise show it to the world, do it!!!! This is your sign, DO THE THING! You know what’s right, you know exactly what you’re supposed to do. You don’t have to know how it’ll turn out, take that risk! Your guides are screaming at you to! They have your back! If you don’t believe me, ask them!! Listen, this is the most amazing reading, it’s so beautiful, PLEASE make whatever move you’ve been thinking of making, it WILL work out. “Take a Risk - You have the power within to move mountains” “Ask for guidance - The Divine will meet your every need” “Step into the light - Share your gifts and talents with the world”. I cannot make this any clearer, AQUAS, D O T H E T H I N G ! R I G H T N E O W !!!!!

Pisces:

KEY WORDS: Pleasure, Tenderness, Dance, Rest

Alright, like aquarius, y’all pisces placements have something you’ve been wanting to monetize, but unlike aquarius, it seems like y’all have been trying pretty hard to monetize it and haven’t spent much time just enjoying it. Whatever you love, just do it because you love it for a while. Stop thinking so hard about it, just relax and enjoy the things you enjoy this weekend. Be nice to yourself, enjoy how far you’ve come in life without constantly pushing yourself further. Think about how far you’ve come. If you’re a musician, slow down learning so many new things and look back on what you know, play some old songs to refresh your memory. If you’re an artist, look back on your old work, do something you used to do as a kid, like fingerpainting or sidewalk chalk drawings. This is how you guys will nourish your inner child this weekend (which is MUCH needed). Appreciate how far you’ve come and allow yourself to relax, you’re doing fine.

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joshslater · 5 years

Text

The Reformatory

A rewrite of jd07201990′s swimmer story. Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

T -1

Dear diary or however you are supposed to start.

So tomorrow is the big day. Dad and I are sleeping at a Holiday Inn at the other side of the state. Well, I'm obviously not sleeping. How could I? So I thought I should start a journal of some sort to document this experience.

Some background. Two months ago I was in a fight with Mark Samberg on the football team. It had gotten pretty bad between the football schmucks and us swimmers. The jockheads were constantly harassing us, calling us fags and prissy boys. It happened often and was getting boring. As the captain of the swim team I asked Mark to knock it off and get his players in line. Idiot as he is he tried to knock me out instead, and I lost it. In our scramble I managed to knock him down and was about to kick him in the shin when he shifted and instead I connected with his knee. Apparently it fractured. He'll be able to walk and even run, but he'll not be able to play again for years, so he lost his Scholarship.

His family sued everyone they could. Me, the school, the swim coach. In the end all the lawyers sat down in a room with a local judge and came up with something they all could agree to. Mark gets some study assistance to get his grades up, the school had this quickly brushed under the carpet, and could pretend I was never student there. Me not graduating wasn’t really a blow, as my college fund now went to pay for Mark’s education, as compensation. They were rich enough to afford it anyway, but they wanted to see punishment. I get the honor to spend the next 180 days at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center, where I will "participate in all scheduled exercises, activities, therapies, meals and medication programs". They can tack on some extra days for bad behavior without going back to the judge, but essentially I get 6 months at bad boy camp for standing up to bullies.

What will I do there? No idea. The website talks a lot about work ethics and responsibility and working together with the local community. Sounds like labor camp to me. I'll guess we'll know tomorrow. But first we have to visit the hospital for a check up. My first day in prison will mostly not be in prison!

Day 1, Monday

We started with a checkup at the hospital, and man did they do a thorough job. Our appointment was at 10, but before that I had to fill out a form with 100 questions. The doctor spent more than 30 minutes doing the most extensive check I've ever had. Not only that, but after the check we had to go to the sample lab to draw blood, and finally I had a CT scan at noon. After that, and a quick lunch, we drove to the actual reformation center, which was in a smaller town 2 hours away.

It's an old boarding school building that they've turned into this "Reformation Center", and it clearly looks more like a prison than a school. Just a heap of two story brick and concrete buildings out in nowhere. Not much of security, but then everyone was there "voluntarily", meaning that we all had a proper punishment waiting for us if we left. I hugged dad goodbye and was shown to Mr. Kerwin’s office by the entrance guard.

Mr. Kerwin was a lean, ripped man in his forties that oozed military discipline. He explained that he was responsible for my rehabilitation and that he wouldn't start soft. He would give me a packed schedule, and if I didn't pull my weight he would add more days for "noncompliance". If I didn't like it I could run back to judge Stephenson and ask to start over in juvie.

Perhaps that would be better, because the schedule he showed me was totally insane.

4:30-5:00 Breakfast 5:00-8:00 Exercise pass 1 8:00-12:00 Work pass 1 12:00-12:30 Lunch 12:30-14:30 School 14:30-17:30 Work pass 2 17:30-18:00 Dinner 18:00-21:00 Exercise pass 2 21:30 Lights out

He explained that my breakfast, lunch and dinner would be pre-portioned and I was required to eat all of it. The exercise passes would be lead by himself or one of the assistants. Again, I would have to follow every instruction. The work passes were done at local businesses that wanted an extra hand, and changed depending on demand. The school passes were done as a group on whatever subject Mr. Reed selected.

Next he ordered me to get naked and place all my clothes on top of my bag and move to the other side of the room. Having done so he pointed at a stack of clothes on the table and told me to pick my size and get dressed. I quickly dressed in one of the track suits from the table. There was a baseball cap also, which confused me, but was told that it was instead of sunglasses when working outdoor.

With that I was given a rule book to study and was led by an assistant to my room where a dinner was waiting. Turkey, rice, water. I was reminded of lights out at 21:30 and wake up at 4:30. The assistant left and locked the door. 10 minutes later he came back with my journal book and pen, and told me that they'll keep the rest for now.

Having eaten the dinner and having three hours (I'm almost sure 21:30 is 9:30 PM) to kill before the lights go out I'm now summarizing the day. I'm sitting in something very similar to a prison cell. Bed, toilet, sink. Everything is clean, though somewhat worn. Looking into the mirror is kind of depressing though. I look like some jailed gang member.

It's kind of weird that I haven't met any of the other inmates, sorry students, here. I saw some of them while coming in, but perhaps this is their kind of hazing, or they do an official presentation tomorrow. Anyway, I should study the rule book and go to bed, since I didn't sleep much last night.

Day 2, Tuesday

So much to write about, so little time. I might have to split this into several entries since lights out is in 20 minutes.

I was awaken at 4:30 and given a tray with a large bowl of porridge and berries and some chalky smoothie or shake or whatever to drink. After that an assistant lead me to the gym room where we went over various machines, mainly for cardio. Elliptical, bike, treadmill. Weird thing was that it was only us two in the room during all three hours.

Sweaty and a bit tired I was then taken outside to a bus where some of the other boys where chilling. Apparently everyone else had breakfast between 7 and 8. They had no idea why I didn't join them there. The bus then drove around town and the driver announced who should exit where. My group of four people exited at a farm before town, only about 5 minutes away. I don't know exactly since I haven't been given my watch back.

There we spent hours just moving hay. Don't they know about tractors? Sweaty, itchy, tired and hungry we were then picked up and driven back. At lunch was the first time I saw the real common area. To my surprise there were more boys there than had been on the bus.

Everyone else could pick what they wanted from what was served, but I was given a ready tray with an heap of salmon and pasta. I was starving though, so it wasn't a problem to eat it all. I didn't have much time to talk, but the guys at my table were nice. Somewhat rough, as could be expected. Apparently you were chosen for the different work assignments, and if you were not picked you stayed at the center for sports or craft or similar things.

After Lunch followed a session with Mr. Reed. The first boring hour was on English grammar and the second boring hour on US geography. I aced the quizz getting all 50 states and state capitols right, so I didn't learn anything new after that. Then Mr. Reed announced who had work assignments, and I was again selected.

This time I and Troy were dropped off at a different farm where we spent almost three hours helping with fencing. Mainly carry posts and sawing them to length.

For dinner I had some meatballs with roasted sweet potatoes while everyone else had meatballs with tomato sauce. Mr. Kerwin picked me up and led me to the gym. Unlike the morning session this was all about weight training. Most of it was on finding my limits for different exercises while Mr. Kerwin pointed out how I could improve my form. You could tell that this was what he liked to do, and encouraged me to push a bit further. Once we were done I had a bottle of post workout mix of some sort and a very quick shower before rushing back to my room.

Here's the thing. My room is on a different floor than the other guys. Also, my schedule appears to be different and much more rigid than the rest of the guys. I also

Day 3, Wednesday

I couldn't finish the last entry before they cut the light. My entire body is in pain right now. I woke up like that, and it didn't go away all day. Same schedule as yesterday, but different tasks and different dishes. The assistant really pushed today during the morning session, so I was exhausted already at the bus. Planting bushes at the city park all morning didn't help. I got some rest during Reeds rehash of elementary math. Then back to doing fences, and top it all off with weight training. I asked Mr. Kerwin about the schedule and why it was so different from everyone else’s. He said that everyone's schedule is individual and that he'll adjust mine as needed.

One more weird thing before I fall to sleep. Everyone else is using their normal clothes. I haven't gotten mine back yet.

Day 4, Thursday

FUCK! I was back on moving hay today again, with Sam, Trevor and Rick. I'm still hurting like hell and Rick is one lazy motherfucker, so old fart Farmer Joe decided to complain. The end result is that I am getting 2 days added for noncompliance. Sam, Trevor and Rick got nothing. WTF!

Day 5, Friday

We were carrying merchandise all morning and Troy heckled me on how I got more days because of the piece of shit Rick. But he then said that it was a weird coincidence that every work shift I've been on has been the toughest one.

Instead of going to class I met with the doctor from the hospital who made a visit. He asked me about how I felt, where I was sore etc. Then he gave me an injection which he said would ease things for me. I didn't feel much different, but I was getting really sleepy getting back to Mr. Reeds class, but it might just be that everything he did was too simple and boring.

Apparently while I had a check up Troy had shared his theory about me being a work magnet, so there were some groans from the guys placed in my group. God damn fence work again.

Man, I'm tired. I was tired even before Mr. Kerwin gave me the toughest weight pass ever. Fuck, I'm tired.

Day 6, Saturday

So the weekend schedule is different. There is still a morning work pass, basically only used by the local farmers. But the afternoon is free both on Saturdays and Sundays. Conditions and terms applies, apparently. Since I haven't done any cleaning or dishes all week (how could I?), I'm assigned washing clothes, sheets etc. Man, how much better it is to carry laundry than hay. Best job assignment all week. Lots of downtime. Only real drawback is all the humidity. It’s steamy AF here.

Still fucking 3h workout pass in the morning and evening. The other boys were pretty vocal in mocking me on my way to the gym.

Day 7, Sunday

So the day started out as any other so far. Woke up sore. Breakfast alone and 3 hour gym session. There are no work passes outside LARC on Sundays, so I was hit with cleaning, together with Kyle G. and Rick. Rick ghosted after like three minutes, but KG did a solid work. It took us all the time til lunch though to finish it.

Then my first free couple of hours all week. It’s insane. The other guys were low key avoiding me, so I did what Mr. Kerwin had suggested and had a walk in the forest. It was actually kind of nice, and for some weird reason I didn’t feel like sitting still.

Day 8, Monday

Same shit again. Mr. Kerwin gave me a shot in the arm this evening. Apparently I’ll have one each Monday from now on. Whatever.

Also I found out today that the others don’t have formal lights out. I’m on my own floor so they can lock me up and cut the power. What the fuck?

Day 9, Tuesday

That fucker Rick slacked off again, taunting me about another two days. Ha! I got 10. Mostly for kicking him in the teeth. They locked me in my room, so I had lunch there and sat in this boring ass cell during class and work. Fuck, I don’t know what’s worse. I had to do some body weight exercises to keep sane. Fuck this shit.

Back again. I still got to have my evening workout. Kerwin was pushing harder than ever. The order of exercises was different too. Apparently to make the major muscles tired so smaller muscle groups then get to work. Or something. I don’t give a shit.

Day 11, Thursday

They fucking work now, don’t they the little shits. They know I ruined someones career to get here and another one for slacking off. They better pull there weight

Day 14, Sunday

I think I’ll stick to just write on Sundays. There is only half an hour from evening gym to lights out, so there isn’t much time for writing. I’ve even skipped shower a few times. It’s not like it matters when you start every fucking day getting soaked with cardio. Not like there are any girls around to impress either. Sunday has a different vibe tho. Cleaning, running in the forest and taking a long shower.

Starts and ends with fucking gym time though.

Day 21, Sunday

I really fucking like the forest runs. Its like you don’t have to think and can just run wherever and grab whatever and smash whatever. Fucking love it

Day 28, Sunday

Yay! A full fucking month!

It’s crazy though how much stronger I’m. I have gone up one size larger track suite and 2 sizes larger sneakers. Working hard to make me the best I guess.

Day 42, Sunday

guess i forgot about writing last week. i think the monday shots make me angry or something because last week fucked up someone else on tuesday. at least they all give me fucking respect at least.

Day 92, Monday

i dont give a shit abot reeds borin ass lessons and they fuckin repeat on a loop or some shit. today he was back on gramr and the states. i most time dont fill out his shit but wanted to do it again today. fucking aced most of the states. not so good on the capitols tho

Day 203, Sunday

only 2 weeks left tomorrow lol then im gonna yeet the fuck outta here !!!! adios motherfuckas

Mr. Kerwin enters the room, carrying a folder, and walks behind his desk, not even looking at me. I am sitting in his precious fucking antique chair I pulled from the corner. He’s sitting his ass down, rifles through the papers in the folder and starts to read from one of them.

“John Hamlin agrees to 180 days of rehabilitation training at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center, where he will participate in all scheduled exercises, activities, therapies, meals and medication programs, with a possible extension of 30 days for noncompliance and a possible extension of 60 days for infractions as described by the Juvenile Rehabilitation Act (JuRA), section 1103 (b).”

He looks up at me. It sounded like easy shit when I said yes to it. I thought half a year in a bad boy summer camp, or worst case something like prison, but that would have been miles better than this fucking non-stop hard labor shit. And 180 days was a fucking joke. They never fucking intended that to be the actual time. Have someone else slack off and the slap another 2 days to the time. Kick a chair to pieces, 5 days. Punch a guy for being a cunt, 10 days. I’m close to having another fucking outburst again. It must be all that fucking shit they put in the food or shakes or whatever. I fight it. I don’t want to show any emotion in front of him. I don’t think he buys my shit.

“There is another document in the agreement that you haven’t heard. This one between Mark and judge Andrews.”

He pulls out another paper from the folder and read it.

“The state hereby directs Mark Samberg, or person(s) by him so designated, to design and oversee the rehabilitation program of John Hamlin to be administrated at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center. This includes physical exercises, physical therapy, education, consoling, dietary plan and medication, as long as it fulfills the positive development criteria (Appendix D), is within the available services at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center (Appendix A) and within the given budget (Appendix C). Additional services require external financing and approval from the Reformation Center management (Appendix B).”

That doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why the hell had the judge put Mark in charge of my schedule? I understand why he’d want to make the experience suck as much as fucking possible for me, by why had everyone agreed to it? Kerwin looks at me as if he can read an open book.

“You are wondering what has happened to you. What was the meaning of all this? Stand up.”

I jump to my feet. There are still weeks he can add to my time here, and I don’t want to give him any fucking reason to add some shit.

“Stand with your feet as close together as you can.”

He’s never asked me to do that before. I can easily tap me feet together, but I can’t really stand still with my feet right next to each other for long. What the fuck is this bullshit? My thighs are too massive for that.

“Sit down again.”

He leans back and watches me with a bemused smirk.

“Imagine that you’d been away from swimming half a year. Even if you kept in shape it would take you months to be back in good enough technique to clear the swim team tryouts. But you have not kept in shape, have you? You have a completely new shape.”

The blood is draining from my face. I understand where this is going.

“With your upper body build you can physically really only do butterfly strokes properly, but if you can’t bring your feet together the leg kick will just be a wild thrashing of water. You swimming medley would be a hilarious joke. We haven’t even talked about you almost doubling in weight, and how much more oxygen you would need to swim. Sure, you are much stronger now, but old you would swim circles around new you. And that is of course the point. If Mark couldn’t have his sports career, he didn’t want you to have yours either. And the judge agreed.”

I’m surprised that the chair doesn’t break, as hard as I’m squeezing it. I’m boiling with fucking rage. I have to really focus to not to act on it.

“Now the judge specifically set out that this transformation couldn’t be punishment in itself, but rather that you were trained in a way that just wasn’t optimal for swimming. We may have gone a bit overboard with the body building to leave you many options though. You’ll obviously never be competitive in anything with speed or agility, like football or boxing. The metabolic conditioning, hormone treatment and gene therapy have far to long lasting effects to change you back from where you are now. You could try wrestling or weight lifting though, unless you mind showing your erection through spandex.”

“What the fuck?”, I said, as much as a general question to all the things he’d said. What does metabolic conditioning mean? Gene therapy? Erections?

“The medical regimen that Marks family found for you kind of put the feet on both the gas and the break at the same time. It forces the body to grow a lot at the same time as we try to stop it, so it has to try even harder. By injecting stem cells with the right CRISPR-modified DNA we could get rapid, major and long lasting changes. Well, I say we, but all I did was to make sure you kept to the exercise regimen, for a little cash on the side… Surely you didn’t think you got larger feet and dick from eating much and working hard?”

I don’t understand exactly what they done to me, but the result is pretty fucking clear. There was no way I would swim competitively ever again, if I could even fucking swim at all now. I would come out of here looking like a fucking balloon animal muscle jock, and shedding the muscles back to where I were would take shitloads of years.

“The hormone treatment finished two weeks ago and last blood sample shows that your natural hormone levels will keep you muscled and pumped probably well into your forties. So this morning I also cut you off from all suppressive medication as well. That is going to spike your hormone levels and mess quite a bit with you, so we need to see just how badly fucked up you are before we can release you.”

“The good doctor say that you’ll be more irritable and have more excess energy than before. Both something you can work on with regular, hard exercise. But I want to see where you really are at now, so starting today you’ll have no required gym time and labor passes. You can wake up when you want, eat what you want and do what you want.”

“You said erections?”, I asked.

“Yeah, the suppression medication should have kept you limp. You haven’t jacked off while here, have you? Well, you heard what I said about gas and break and compensation. Your body has been pumping massive amounts of hormones into your blood, and will continue to do so. But now that you don’t have the suppressives anymore you should expect to be horny for the next decade or two. You’ll be nothing but a lumbering muscle dildo.”

There’s a crack somewhere inside the wood of the armrest. Fucking fourteen more days, I have to remind myself. Don’t fuck any shit up before then. If I let go of the chair I’m quite positive I will knock him the fuck out. Fourteen fucking more shit days.

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boreothegoldfinch · 3 years

Text

chapter 11 paragraph iv

What I somehow hadn't expected was a city prinked-up for Christmas: fir boughs and tinsel, starburst ornaments in the shop windows and a cold stiff wind coming off the canals and fires and festival stalls and people on bicycles, toys and color and candy, holiday confusion and gleam. Little dogs, little children, gossipers and watchers and package bearers, clowns in top hats and military greatcoats and a little dancing jester in Christmas clothes à la Avercamp. I still wasn’t quite awake and none of it seemed to have any more reality than the fleeting dream of Pippa I’d had on the plane where I’d spotted her in a park with many tall fountains and a Saturn-ringed planet hanging low and majestic in the sky. “Nieuwmarkt,” said Gyuri as we came out on a big circle with a turreted fairytale castle and—around it—an open air market, cut evergreens lightly frosted with snow, mittened vendors stamping, an illustration from a children’s book. “Ho, ho, ho.” “Always a lot of police here,” said Boris gloomily, sliding into the door as Gyuri took the turn hard. For various reasons I was apprehensive about accommodations, and ready to make my excuses in case they involved anything like squatter conditions or sleeping on the floor. Luckily Myriam had booked me a hotel in a canal house in the old part of town. I dropped my bags, locked the cash in the safe, and went back out to the street to meet Boris. Gyuri had gone to park the car. He dropped his cigarette on the cobblestones and dashed it under his heel. “I’ve not been here in a while,” he said, his breath coming out white, as he looked round appraisingly at the soberly clad pedestrians on the street. “My flat in Antwerp—well it is for business reasons I am in Antwerp. Beautiful city too—same sea clouds, same light. Someday we will go there. But I always forget how much I like it here as well. Starving to death, you?” he said, punching me in the arm. “Mind walking a bit?” Down narrow streets we wandered, damp alleys too narrow for cars, foggy little ochreous shops filled with old prints and dusty porcelains. Canal footbridge: brown water, lonely brown duck. Plastic cup half-submerged and bobbing. The wind was raw and wet with blown pinpricks of sleet and the space around us felt close and dank. Didn’t the canals freeze in winter? I asked. “Yes, but—” wiping his nose—“global warming, I suppose.” In his overcoat and suit from the previous night’s party he looked both completely out of place and completely at home. “What a dog’s weather! Shall we duck in here? Do you think?” The dirty canal-side bar, or café, or whatever it was, had dark wood and a maritime theme, oars and life preservers, red candles burning low even in the daytime and a desolate foggy feel. Smoky, muggy light. Water droplets condensed on the inside of the windowpane. No menus. In back was a chalkboard scrawled with foods unintelligible to me: dagsoep, draadjesvlees, kapucijnerschotel, zuurkoolstamppot. “Here, let me order,” said Boris, and proceeded to do so, surprisingly, in Dutch. What arrived was a typically Boris meal of beer, bread, sausages, and potatoes with pork and sauerkraut. Boris—happily gobbling—was reminiscing about his first and only attempt to ride a bicycle in the city (wipeout, disaster) and also how much he enjoyed the new herring in Amsterdam, which fortunately wasn’t in season since apparently you ate it by holding it up by the tail fin and dangling it down into your mouth, but I was too disoriented by my surroundings to listen very closely and with almost painfully heightened senses I stirred at the potato mess with my fork and felt the strangeness of the city pressing in all around me, smells of tobacco and malt and nutmeg, café walls the melancholy brown of an old leather-bound book and then beyond, dark passages and brackish water lapping, low skies and old buildings all leaning against each other with a moody, poetic, edgeof-destruction feel, the cobblestoned loneliness of a city that felt—to me, anyway—like a place where you might come to let the water close over your head.

Before long Gyuri joined us, red-cheeked and breathless. “Parking—bit of a problem here,” he said. “Sorry.” He extended his hand to me. “Glad to see you!” he said, embracing me with a genuine-seeming warmth that startled me, as if we were old friends long separated. “Everything is okay?” Boris, on his second pint by now, was holding forth a bit about Horst. “I do not know why he does not move to Amsterdam,” he said, gnawing happily on a hunk of sausage. “Constantly he complains about New York! Hate hate hate! And all the holy while—” waving a hand at the canal outside the fogged window—“everything he loves is here. Even the language is same as his. If he really wanted to be happy in the world, Horst? To have any kind of joyful or happy life? He should pay twenty grand to go back to his rapid detox place and then come here and smoke Buddha Haze and stand in a museum all day long.” “Horst—?” I said, looking from one to the other. “Sorry?” “Does he know you’re here?” Boris gulped his beer. “Horst? No. He does not. It is going to be much, much easier if Horst learns about all this after. Because—” licking a dab of mustard off his finger—“my suspicions are correct. Fucking Sascha who stole the thing. Ulrika’s brother,” he said urgently. “Which with Ulrika puts Horst in bad position. So—much better if I take care of it on my own, see? I am doing Horst a favor this way—favor he won’t forget.” “What do you mean, ‘take care of it’?” Boris sighed. “It—” he looked around to make sure no one was listening, even though we were the only people in the place—”well, it is complicated, I could talk for three days, but I can also tell you in three lines what has happened.” “Does Ulrika know he took it?” Rolled eyes. “Search me.” A phrase I had taught Boris years ago, horsing around at my house after school. Search me. Cut it out. Smoky desert twilight, shades drawn. Make up your mind. Let’s face it. No way. Same shadows on his face. Gold light glinting off the doors by the pool. “I think Sascha would have to be very stupid to tell Ulrika,” said Gyuri, with a worried expression on his face. “I don’t know what Ulrika knows or does not know. Has no relevance. She has loyalty to her brother over Horst, as she has shown many and many times over. You would think—” grandly signalling the waitress to bring Gyuri a pint —“you would think Sascha had sense to sit on it for a while, at least! But no. He can’t get a loan on it in Hamburg or Frankfurt because of Horst—because Horst would hear of it in one second. So he has brought it here.” “Well look, if you know who has it we should just call the police.” The silence, and blank looks that followed this, were as if I’d produced a can of gasoline and suggested lighting ourselves on fire. “Well, I mean,” I said defensively, after the waitress had arrived with Gyuri’s beer, set it down, left again, and neither Gyuri nor Boris had spoken a word. “Isn’t that the safest? And easiest? If the cops recover it and you have nothing to do with it?” Ding of a bicycle bell, woman clattering by on the sidewalk, rattle of spokes, witchy black cape flying behind. “Because—” glancing between them—“when you think of what this picture has gone through—what it must have gone through—I don’t know if you understand, Boris, how much care has to be taken even to ship a painting? Just to pack it properly? Why take any chances?” “This is my feeling exactly.” “An anonymous call. To the art-crimes people. They’re not like the normal cops—no connections with the normal cops—the picture is all they care about. They’ll know what to do.”

Boris leaned back in his chair. He looked around. Then he looked at me. “No,” he said. “That is not a good idea.” His tone was that of someone addressing a five year old. “And, do you want to know why?” “Think about it. It’s the easiest way. You wouldn’t have to do a thing.” Boris set his beer glass down carefully. “They’d have the best chance of getting it back unharmed. Also, if I do it —if I call them—shit, I could have Hobie call them—” hands to head—“any way you look at it, you wouldn’t be putting yourselves at risk. That is to say”—I was too tired, disoriented; two pairs of Dremel-drill eyes, I couldn’t think—“if I did it, or someone else not a part of your, um, organization—” Boris let out a shout of laughter. “Organization? Well—” shaking his head so vigorously the hair fell in his eyes—“I suppose we count as organization, of sorts, since we are three or more—! But we are not very large or very organized as you can see.” “You should eat something,” said Gyuri to me, in the tense pause that followed, looking at my untouched plate of pork and potato. “He should eat,” he said to Boris. “Tell him to eat.” “Let him starve if he wants. Anyway,” said Boris, grabbing a chunk of pork off my plate and popping it in his mouth— “One call. I’ll do it.” “No,” said Boris, glowering suddenly and pushing back in his chair. “You will not. No, no, fuck you, shut up, you won’t,” he said, lifting his chin aggressively when I tried to talk over him—Gyuri’s hand on my wrist very suddenly, a touch I knew very well, the old forgotten Vegas language of when my dad was in the kitchen ranting about whose house it was? and who paid for what?— “And, and,” said Boris imperiously, taking advantage of a lull in my response he was not expecting, “I want you to stop talking this stupid ‘call’ business right away. ‘Call, call,’ ” he said, when he got no answer from me, waving his hand back and forth ridiculously in the air as if “call” were some absurd kiddie word that meant ‘unicorn’ or ‘fairyland.’ “I know you are trying to help but this is not helpful suggestion on your part. So forget it. No more ‘call.’ Anyway,” he said amiably, pouring part of his own beer into my halfempty glass. “As I was explaining to you. Since Sascha is in so big hurry? Is he thinking clearly? Is he playing more than one, or maybe two moves ahead? No. Sascha is out of towner. His connections here are poisonous to him. He needs money. And he is working so hard to stay clear of Horst that he has wandered smack into me.” I said nothing. It would be easy enough to phone the police myself. There was no reason to involve Boris or Gyuri at all. “Amazing stroke of luck, no? And our friend the Georgian—very rich man, but so far from Horst’s world and so far from art collector, he did not even know of picture by name. Just a bird—little yellow bird. But Cherry believes he is telling the truth that he saw it. Very powerful guy in terms of real estate? Here and in Antwerp? Plenty of paper and father to Cherry almost, but not person of great education if you understand me.” “Where is it now?” Boris rubbed his nose vigorously. “I do not know. They are not going to tell us that, are they? But Vitya has got in touch to say he knows of a buyer. And a meeting has been set up.” “Where?” “Not settled yet. They have already changed the location half a dozen times. Paranoid,” he said, making a screw-loose gesture at the side of his head with his hand. “They may make us wait a day or two. We may know only an hour before.” “Cherry,” I said, and stopped. Vitya was short for Cherry’s Russian name, Viktor—Victor, the Anglicized version—but Cherry was only a nickname and I didn’t know a thing about Sascha: not his age, not his surname, not what he looked like, nothing at all except that he was Ulrika’s brother—and even this was uncertain in the literal sense, given how loosely Boris threw around the word.

Boris sucked a bit of grease off his thumb. “My idea was—set up something at your hotel. You know, you, American, big shot, interested in the picture. They”—he lowered his voice as the waitress switched his empty pint for a full one, Gyuri nodding politely, leaning in—“they would come to your room. That’s how is done usually. All very businesslike. But”—minimal shrug—“they are new at this, and paranoid. They want to call their own location. “Which is?” “Don’t know yet! Didn’t I just say? They keep changing their mind. If they want us to wait—we wait. We have to let them think they are boss. Now, sorry,” he said, stretching and yawning, rubbing a dark-circled eye with a fingertip, “I am tired! Want a nap!” He turned and said something to Gyuri in Ukrainian, and then turned back to me. “Sorry,” he said, leaning in and slinging his arm around my shoulder. “You can find your way back to your hotel?” I tried to disengage myself without seeming to. “Right. Where are you staying?” “Girlfriend’s flat—Zeedijk.” “Near Zeedijk,” said Gyuri, rising purposefully, with a polite and vaguely military air. “Chinese quarter of the old times.” “What’s the address?” “Cannot remember. You know me. I cannot remember addresses in my head and like that. But—” Boris tapped his pocket—“your hotel.” “Right.” Back in Vegas, if we ever got separated—running from the mall cops, pockets full of stolen gift cards—my house was always the rendezvous point. “So—I’ll meet you back there. And you have my phone number, and I have yours. Will call you when I know something more. Now—” slapping me on the back of the head—“stop worrying, Potter! Don’t stand there and look so unhappy! If we lose, we win, and if we win, we win! Everything is good! You know which way to go to get back, don’t you? Just up this way, and left when you get to the Singel. Yes, there. We will speak soon.”

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shaekingshitup · 4 years

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Shae’s First Date

For anyone who is bored: the most brief (that I can recap because ya girl is a lengthy heaux) summary of my first date goes as follows:

EDIT: THIS SHIT AIN'T BRIEF. SORRY NOT SORRY 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️ But I put a TLDR at the end.

I matched with a guy on Bumble who had some cool hobbies and some of which overlapped with mine. We talked daily for almost 2 weeks before we met up in person and the guy was a very big charmer/woo-er. Like if I was messaging this kid I was constantly laughing and smiling

Tbh this was a lil bit of a red flag to me becauae I'm like: "no one is this charming. Something has gotta be up" & I legit came up with a few different scenarios. But I chose to shelf them because people do that to me all the time.

Like I'm just a really loving person and I will gas people up or go out of my way to make them happy if I can and people always want to try me like that can't truly be how/who I am or if I'm doing it it's because I'm trying to get at that person and they are always wrong. All the way from best friends to new acquaintances I really just like when people are happy. I mean the world's shitty already, if I can make your day easier or put smile on your face I'm game!

So we're on the phone one night (stayed up to 3 am sacrificing my sleep talking to this dude 🙄) talking more about who we are as people, what we're looking for in an ideal partner, etc. I told him straight up both via call and via message that honesty is really important to me. I value honesty with myself and also with others.

So also in this late night call things got a lil spicy 🌶 🌶 I was honest and told him that I'm pretty much a blank slate. Never fucked/sucked, etc or had anything like that done to me. He was taken aback like everyone I share this with is. Apparently I'm some sort of unicorn 🦄 out here in these streets to all y'all hoes. He makes a comment about stealing a kiss from me the next night and I said "I might allow it."

But the point is. I told him what it was. I was honest. That's my truth.

I didn't tell him that I'd never been on a date/kissed anyone because he didn't ask. Maybe if I would've said something, things would've been different. But I can't "what if" what's already happened y'all!

SO, day of. We messagin and snapping. I'm allll ready. We're going to a drive in and I'd never been to one before so I'm excited. I'm also just committed to making this a good time because I easily get distracted and often don't stop to take my experiences in to experience them fully. So I said not today!!

I got snacks. All of his favs and some of mine. I brought drinks and a blanket. I looked good.

Like I said in my pre-date post: I didn't have any lofty ideas about this dude being my soul mate or anything but I anticipated a good time.

He picked me up at our designated location. My sister met him and got his license plate; because apparently I had enough sense to realize I didn't know this nigga but not enough sense to later realize I didn't know this nigga.

It wasn't gonna take as long to get to the drive in as originally anticipated. So we went to a local park and sat in the car and talked because the park was PACKED and ya know RONA!

It was somewhat awkward because it was our first time talking face to face. But we found a groove and I'm extroverted af y'all. So, I can get people to have a conversation.

Topics range from our days, music and conspiracy theories which he's really into. What kind? Like: Shakespeare wrote the Bible is one. A lot of people that we know from media aren't really the original ones that we were introduced to is another. Ya know like that Beyoncé is not the real Beyoncé. There's two Trumps. There's two Hilary Clintons etc.

So at this point sensible me is like: this can be the point where you go home girl. You're 5 minutes away from your place. You can just say this ain't workin and cut it short.

OPTIMISTIC/BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT GIVIN/NAIVE SILLY ME IS LIKE: well, I 100% don't agree with anything you're saying just because you're saying it. But ya know, I don't know everything and I'm not in the business of judging people-especially since we just met and I don't want this human to feel uncomfortable. So, okay. I don't agree. But I won't judge. Let's just continue on.

If you haven't guessed by now which me I listened to, you may be just as silly as I am 🙃🙃🙃

But obviously I continued on and that's what I call mistake #1

So we're driving to the drive in. I'm realizing we're kind of different in ways. Most notable is that dude was raised Jehovah's Witnesses and celebrates 0 holidays & I'm in love with Halloween and at least birthdays.

We miss the drive in entrance due to my poor navi skills & he decides to smoke before we pull in. He offers it to me and I accept. This is mistake #2

Ya girl hasn't smoked in 6 years. I tried edibles recently. But that shit ain't the same. I really just feel like I said I wanted to be present and then I smoked and I was tired and everything was kind of dull?

So I'm high and sleepy but still a lil excited because it's my first drive in!! We get there and park and the drive in is really just a giant protection screen we all park in front of. Lmao. 😅 Idk what I was expectin but not that. But it was still cool. It's 10 and this movie still hasn't started because the last one is still showin credits.

Dude says he wants to chill in the back but he's going to the bathroom. I AM SLEEPY. THAT IS WHAT WEED DOES TO ME. Plus I was on the phone til 3 AM. So I'm like imma close my eyes before this thing starts since it's already late.

So while he goes to the bathroom I legit laid down in the back on a pillow because ya girl is a sleepy heaux 😴

He comes back and pits the pillow in his lap and is talking to me because this movie ain't started yet. My eyes are closed but I'm listening and everything and he's massaging my shoulders and whatnot. Eventually advertisements about common courtesy come on and what not. But that's not important and I don't move.

Soo he says something I'M ASSUMING IT WAS ABOUT THE KISS (I don't remember y'all. I'm about to skimp on some of these details because that high was really kickin in and I was feelin foggy.) But, I said "I would allow it." And he kissed me.

It honestly felt anticlimactic as fuck. Yeah my mind is kind of foggy because of the weed so I feel like I wasn't as fully cognizant as I would have been if I was sober minded. But also, it just happened

I'm in my head af. I've never done this and I'm sure I'm shit at it but I'm trying not to be ya know? Dude's tongue is in my mouth. His hand is under my romper.

So, I'm a roll with the punches kind of human and the rest of the film we pretty much are making out (lowkey meh), groping (I hate this word) & watching Deadpool ( for people who needed that detail)

As previously stated, all of this shit is new to me. But, I'm also not a "prude". I chose not to kiss/fuck anyone prior to this because it was what I wanted for a period of time. I couldn't do much in the date department because I was just not approached often or by people I wanted to entertain. But the opportunities for all that physical shit were presented and I chose not to just like I chose to engage in those activities on this date. I'm real big on not judging nor regretting those choices because those were what I wanted at one point and that's it. Soo if you got opinions about what I was out here doin, keep em to yaself.

We ended up making out and I feel like it was cool.. but just not great. We did other shit minus actual fucking. But it all just felt pretty muted to me. Not bad. Not uncomfortable. Just not great and I think in hindsight it was because I a) really didn't know and have an established connection with this dude and b) I was high.

He really wanted me to suck his dick and I was really hesitant to do that. Not even that much because I was checking off a lot of "firsts' or anything like that but because I swore I was gonna be shit at it due to 0 experience and that was what I told him. Like, I wanna be good at shit and also I would like if the person I was hooking up with was actually enjoying being with me ya know? Is that not a thing? Y'all just be out here tryna get ya nut and say fuck it to whomever you with? Lemme be a unicorn then. 🦄

But anyways, I did this and he says like nothing. I'm in my head af trying to recall upon all of my BP smut I've read and trying not to suck at sucking (SO THANKS TO ALL OF Y'ALL WHO BE WRITING SMUT!!). After a few minutes the car turns off and Ryan Reynold's ain't talking anymore. Sooo I take this as a sign that I should stop and tell him as much.

He turns the car back on so we can still hear the movie & I'm pretty much like half watching the movie and talking to him like: "Soooo. I did that and I feel like I was right." To which he responds, "I've had worse," which is like ya know the compliment of the century and the most reassuring feedback you can give someone who is insecure about shit they've never done.

We still ended up making out and I gave him a handjob and finished the movie. I can't recall if it was at this point or when he drove me home but he basically implied that I was a liar and that is the shit that literally makes me wanna go back in time and tell former me to never say yes to a date with this nigga.

He drove me home and I was pretty quiet listening to Ari Lennox (💕) and thinking/processing. He gets to my place and we're talking now that we're parked and tells me that he thought I probably wasn't right about never having sex before. He told me I probably just had sex like 3 years ago and it had been so long that's why I said that and that's why my pussy is so tight.

So, I'm real life hurt. I like to consider myself to be someone who has a good character and I am really big on honesty.

So I asked him why he said that if I told him from jump what it was. He told me that his ex lied a lot and that he just couldn't believe me..

And I know for certain that his assumption was independent of any of my actions. He literally just told me so. He projected his insecurities onto me. But I'm a sensitive ass heaux and that shit still shook me. PBS raised me right. I don't be out here lyin & I don't like when people try to tell me who tf I am.

We pretty much just ended up arguing about the night and he was doing it on purpose because he thinks it's sexy when women are mad. But when I get mad, I get done. If I let enough shit slide and you have the audacity to try and flip my script, I will fucking write you out of it.

Then I looked up at the time and realized I was sitting in this car arguing with nigga for at least 25 minutes. So I was just like: bitch, why are you still here?

I told him straight up that when I got out of that car he could forget about talking to me altogether and he was like: "I'll let you know when I make it home."

I told him he need not bother because apparently I'd finally gained some damn sense. I exited the car. He left. He hit me up when he made it home but I just deleted the app and removed him off of snap because I meant that shit.

TLDR; Went on my first date with a conspiracy theorist I matched with on Bumble and he told me I lied about my lack of sexual history.

#bumble #first date #drive in #story time #short stime #i need my mutuals to pray for me #because lordt #deadpool #ryan reynolds #ari lennox #personal #mine #big time sigh #im sorry I can't add the keep reading tab on mobile tk!

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szopenhauer · 4 years

Text

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? no

Who is the person you would least like to be stuck in a lift with? Why? smelly drunk puking rapist murderer - do I really have to explain? If your parents looked in your inbox and read your messages, would they find out anything you didn’t want them to know? my sexts Have you cried at all during the past week? ... When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? now, no comment Who was the last person you had an argument with? how would you feel if that person never spoke to you again? both good and bad

Do you like forks with three metal pokers, or four? I don’t care Would you ever wear a hat with cat ears on it? I already do

Have you ever eating raw sugar by itself? when I was a kid I was stealing it from my grandma’s sugar-bowl Do you paint your left or right hand fingernails first? I don’t recall but probably left as I’m righty What about for your feet? not that I paint them but whatever What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? hmm... Do you think fish are cute? some can be If you found an ant on your food, would you still eat it? doubt it How much do you weigh? 42 kg now

What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? but dates or relationship?

Do you have any theatrical experience? If so, what have you done? just school

Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? every subject you talk about constantly is getting on my nerves tbh

Is there anything you need to say to anyone? I don’t know how/what/if I should/want to

If you could have anyone to do your eulogy, who would it be and why? my dad

If given the choice, would you rather go to Subway or a Chinese restaurant? Subway

Do your neighbors annoy you in any way? many ways

Whose car were you in last? I was in a taxi

How late did you stay up last night? I barely slept at all because of cannula/venflon and feeling like I’m choking, also noise and anxiety

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? coming home

Who did you last see in person? mom

When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? today (my father)

What is on your wrists right now? finally nothing and that feels weird, I constantly want to fix my ID wristband but it’s not there anymore

Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing? second hand - it has an elephant and Perfectly imperfect written on it

Do you like clowns? very

Are you listening to anything at the moment? I am

Do you twitch when your falling asleep? it happens at times but only rarely

Are your dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty? we don’t own a dishwasher

Are you at home or with friends more often? home and I like it that way

Would you date someone 15 years older than you? noooo

Do you own a strapless bra? nah

How are you feeling at this exact moment? it’s complicated

Are you someone who worries too often? absolutely

Do you ever wonder how other people see you? obvi

What is one good thing you’re known for? How about one bad thing? don’t ask me

Are you taller than most? lmfao

Are you the type of person who likes to be out or home? take a guess...

Has anyone ever said i love you to you and not meant it? it seems

Do you regret going out with the last person you did? going out as dating or just spending time with somebody outside?

When was the last time you showered? few days ago because I couldn’t move my arm :(

Who did you last talk to in person? my mother

Do you ever have days where you just don’t do anything? yeah

Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep? hahaha

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic? not sure

What area of math are you best at? Worst? dunno

How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? only Dorota had similar taste in music to mine not counting my current gf’s love towards 80s songs that we share

How often do you “half-ass” things (put little effort in)? often?

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? yes

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? sure

What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? everything?...

If you don’t have glasses, how would you feel if you had to get them? mixed feelings

If you do have glasses, how would you feel if you didn’t need them anymore? -

Have you ever considered going to art school? I have considered and am slightly regretting that I didn’t

How quickly can you write an essay? depends

Favorite episode of Spongebob? it’s not my fav but I remember the one where Spongebob painted the room most (why tho?)

Do you have any silly/odd emotional connections to anything/anyone? would say so

Do you play with your phone in awkward situations? I might

Do u own a rolling pin?: u don’t? :o

What’s your ideal indoor temperature?: never checked

Does your kitchen have a theme?: ... apparently poop is the theme

Are u a pack rat?: mhm

What’s the grossest thing u have found in your food?: bug, hair, piece of plastic...

Do u like ice cream sandwiches?: why not

Ever worn a flower in your hair?: for a moment

What surgeries have u had?: none

What health problems do u have?: what health problems I don’t have?...

Do u like to sleep in?: yasss

Don’t ya just hate foot cramps? who likes those?

Would you say you have an infectious laugh? not really Shouldn’t you be doing something else right now? omg thx for a reminder :o What is something you worry about often? every single thing Do you walk fast or slow? compared to?... Would you consider yourself healthy? Both mind and body. not at all Does sitting in waiting rooms drive you insane? not as much as majority of people, I can wait for a long time when I see the point and don’t feel the worst, I don’t need much entertainment to not get bored What form of public transport do you use most often? bus Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junkie? the opposite Have you ever been arrested? If so, why? I’m an angel Do you ever put sticky notes around the place to remind yourself of things? I have shitload of notes but they’re not sticky Would you eat a spider for $50? hell no Would you rather be a kangaroo or a koala? koala Are you easy to talk to? am I? Can you juggle with more than two items? I can’t juggle with one item pfft At airports do you ever worry your luggage won’t arrive? scary but luckily I don’t travel by plane What other windows have you currently got opened? fb, youtube, tumblr drafts, google translator and google searching Who else is in the same building as you? my parents Would you like a penny farthing bicycle? maybe Would you ever consider visiting Ireland? what for? Would you like to visit Venice? no thx Did you ever eat leaves when you were a kid? my sister did Do you have any flags in your house? we occasionally put polish flag on balcony Are there any ‘keep off the grass’ signs where you live? just don’t throw trash on the ground on cemetery Have you ever walked on the grass with such a sign? that’s rude unless you really didn’t notice or had no choice Are you double-jointed? could say so At school which area of science did you prefer: biology/chemistry/physics? definitely not physics Which did you prefer between geography/history? neither Have you ever driven a tractor? didn’t have an opportunity Does the smell of the countryside bother you? animal shit does Do you drink more water or juice? water

Sweater weather or tank top weather? Which do you prefer. I like it hot, I hate winter but I enjoy sweaters Is there a cat in the room you’re in right now? stuffed only Do you enjoy going to the movies? prefer to watch movies at home

Are you an animal lover? I admire from afar How tall are you? according to my doctor I lost 2 cm Is there anything you want to ask anyone right now? God Are you gay, straight, bi, lesbian, asexual, or not sure? asexual/lesbian Are you more negative or more positive? negative Have you made any life altering decisions lately? I’m deciding

Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? not atm Have you made a CV? several Where is the last place you applied for a job? (If you have) which was the last one... Are you photogenic? I’m ugly

What are you listening to right now? stopped because family member is asleep What are you going to do tomorrow? shopping if anything

Have you ever been judged on something you wore? been bullied

Think QUICK what word begins with c? clown :D

Are you a funny person? I believe Be honest, do you go for looks more or personality? personality is more important but I’m picky

Are you a flirty person? a bit

Are you homophobic? I’m homo myself so...

How would you react if someone said you ruined their life? I know I ruin everybody’s lives

If you’re home alone, do you still close/lock the door when you use the bathroom? I don’t lock ‘em even when I’m not alone

What’s the stupidest song you’ve listened to today? nothing stupid

How is your hair currently styled? it’s dirty and after this survey I will wash my head finally

Do you ever stay up late just to be awake oh well...

Would you ever write a letter to someone you haven’t met yet, like your future spouse? I don’t think so

Would you rather spend the day watching movies or on an intense hike? entire day just one thing?!

Are you stressed about anything? always Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water? too dangerous for me Are you one of those people who take like, 50 Facebook quizzes at a time? whoops :x What’s on your bed? it’s so clean/empty that it freaks me out Are you texting anyone? no longer

Did your last beverage contain caffeine? it was just water

Did you get any friend requests on Facebook today? did not

What’s your least favourite song by your favourite artist? for example - one of my fav bands - Queen - I dislike Radio Gaga and We will rock you

What’s your best friend’s middle name? no middle name!

Who was the last person to comment on your Facebook status? my partner

If the person you miss turned up at your door now, how would you react? woah wtf

Where were you THREE hours ago? in here

What are you wearing right now? my leggings with colorful heart pattern

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? parent

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? I got two shirts and socks

What day is tomorrow? Friday

Do you remember the first person you ever kissed? we’re together now again

Ever use someone else’s toothbrush? that’s disgusting, don’t!

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starsandamorphinetoast · 5 years

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So I am a very prideful person and try to avoid asking for help because it literally haunts me forever, but I am in perhaps the most dire and emotionally distressing circumstances I’ve ever been in.

Cashapp: $indy330

Venmo: @indy330

I’m currently living with my mom. I’m 21 and moved six hours away and was struggling to find work that would give me hours in the college town I was living in. Next to nobody was hiring and the four jobs I did get in the eight months I lived there didn’t give me hardly any hours. My mother encouraged me to move home, and yet ever since I got here she has done nothing but manipulate me and belittle me and tell me I’m a nuisance. I have two cats. I haven’t seen them in weeks because they are living with a friend of mine at the moment. My mom made me keep both of them in the closet sized room with one litter box, food, water, and no stimulation. Then she would scream at me when they made any noise in there or scratched at the door. I wasn’t allowed to have them out because they might damage her house, so there was no way for me to keep them from going stir crazy. I couldn’t justify letting them live like that so I asked around and found them somewhere for the moment even though I’ve literally not lived away from them for more than a week at a time since I got them.

Financially, I am in considerable debt. About $9,000 in debt, not including the loans I took out for the one semester of university I even was able to go to university. During that semester, my car I’d had since I turned 16 which had shown no signs of struggle completely broke down while I was visiting friends in my hometown. The repairs were more than it was worth. We scrapped it. Because I had no money and no way to get back up to the mountains where I lived, my mom said she’d buy me a used car. I was of course grateful. But also terrified, because I knew exactly why she would offer something like that; to hold it over my head. She bought me a car for about $4,000 that I fell in love with, and I wish I didn’t love it because it has been nothing but trouble. Within the four or five months that I have had this car, I’ve had three flat tires, eventually just replaced the fourth one because I knew what was coming. The ABS/Traction control system was shot and they had to replace the entire system, as well as completely replacing the brakes. Just that stuff was about $1,500. The other day my car broke down on the side of a secluded highway. And guess who’s motor has to be replaced? Yeah, it’s gonna be another $3,000-$4,000.

Here’s another important thing about my mom. She is a textbook narcissist. Everything is about her and always will be. If I have a meltdown over all the shit that has crushed me this year, she calls me melodramatic and says me living here is making her life a living hell. I’m also playing a guessing game as to what is ok and what isn’t, because she is never consistent. I work 11 hour days and then go drive Lyft until 5AM? I’m working too much and not spending enough time with my family. I’m home for longer than five hours? I’m lazy and refuse to work, and I get yelled at for sleeping all day. For clarification, the only time I sleep all day is when I’ve been working and have been awake until the early hours of the morning. When she first bought me the car, she said I shouldn’t worry about paying her back for it. Now she is asking me how I plan on paying her back for it and it’s repairs. “You owe me around $9,000 and you’re only working one job, I just wonder how you’re going to pay me back.” On top of that there’s my own debt. On top of that there’s living expenses, food, gas, etc. On top of that I need to save some money up so that I can move out of here as quickly as humanly possible.

So the fact of the matter is that I’m living in an impossible situation with a woman who is trying to make me think I’m insane and stripping me of anything that brings me happiness. I’m 21 years old and have been living on my own for three years and now I have a curfew. I can’t have people over past a certain time. My parents only leave the house from 9am-5pm, and their bedroom shares a wall with mine. I don’t have a lot of options for having people over, but even the ones I do have (i.e. staying downstairs/outside and whispering) they will yell at me over. My mom told me the other day that it’s my fault that my younger sister is depressed and addicted to drugs. She comes in my room without knocking, unannounced. She goes through my stuff when I’m not home. My already high heart rate is even higher because I’m constantly anxious. I can try as hard as I can to do everything right and she will still find something wrong, and then cry hysterically about how I’m impossible to live with because I left a box of crackers on the counter. She tracks my purchases through my bank because the account I opened when I was 16 is connected to hers; if I close it she will harass me for “being secretive and disrespectful.” She’s also insisting on putting a tracking device in my car or else next time I’m stranded somewhere she’ll “just let the phone ring.” I’m in a worse mental, emotional, and financial state than I’ve been in my whole life.

Literally anything will help. I know everyone is struggling to a degree right now, and I don’t expect anything from anyone, but if you can and want to, any amount of money will help me be able to start saving to escape.

#personal #mental illness #living situations #family #money #financial #finances #cry for help #christ almighty I'm just miserable all the time and I hate asking for help more than maybe anything else #but I have nothing left #nobody to help #nowhere to turn #and shes now threatening to kick me out #I have nowhere to go.

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katecarteir · 6 years

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does it almost feel like (you’ve been here before)

Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier (Reddie) | Explicit | 4.6k

Prompt: Reddie + Two Miserable People at a Wedding. Part one of the Connection Series

Richie had no goddamn idea what he was doing here. After the Incident five years ago, Richie had cut himself off from all the other Losers, excluding Stan- who simply had not allowed it. He could not think of any reasonable explanation to why he was currently standing in a huge reception hall, after having watched his ex-best friend marry the woman he’d started sleeping with while Richie had still been dating her.

Richie had been sure when he’d gotten the invitation that it had been mis-addressed. So sure, in fact, that he’d called Stan to laugh about it. That hadn’t exactly been a pleasant phone call. “He’s extending an olive branch,” Stan had said patiently. “We miss you, and we’re tired of you shutting us all out. You didn’t even come to Beverly’s promotion party last month. She cried, Richie.”

“Well, it’s her party. She can cry if she wants to,” Richie tried to joke but it had fallen flat. He ran his fingers through his hair, and sighed into the landline. “Look, dude, it’s been five years, you know? This is just the way things are now. Why can’t they accept that?”

“Because it doesn’t have to be this way,” Stan had said. “At least think about coming.”

So here Richie was, and he was just as miserable as he’d expected to be. Stan and Mike had greeted him more than enthusiastically, but Bev and Ben had both openly shunned him despite Stan’s claims that they’d missed him so dearly. Richie hadn’t even seen Bill yet, and he was deeply considering just leaving before that had a chance to happen.

A low whistle from behind him made Richie’s heart jump as he turned around. Eddie Kaspbrak was walking towards him, hands tucked into the pockets of his suit, and maybe he was the most beautiful Richie had ever seen. He’d always had a soft spot for Eddie Kaspbrak, he could admit that much as much as he’d once pretended not to. It had never seemed all that mutual, of course, with Eddie always brushing off Richie’s attempts at flirting. He’d also been the first person to stop trying to include Richie in plans after his following out with Bill- as in, he’d never tried at all. Richie was never sure whether to resent it or be thankful for it.

None of it mattered now, with the way Kaspbrak was looking him up and down. Eddie finally looked to Richie’s face and raised his wine glass up to his lips, sipping slowly. Richie swallowed roughly, not sure what the fuck was happening.

“Looking good, Tozier.” Kaspbrak finally said, grinning. “Been awhile.”

“Likewise,” Richie said with a flick of the tongue against his bottom lip. Richie may be feeling seven levels of out of place right now, and more than a little bit confused, but if there was one thing Richie Tozier knew how to do: it was put on a show. He moved to lean against the world, and he didn’t imagine the way Kaspbrak leaned closer to him. “The last five years have been good to you, Kaspbrak.”

Eddie hummed, sipping his drunk again, and reaching out to squeeze at Richie’s bicep through his suit jacket. “Better to you, I see. How have you been?”

Richie rolled his eyes, suddenly so-not surprised that this was where this conversation was going. It was just like the Losers to send Eddie to ease (i.e trick) Richie into talking about something he didn’t want to- it was been a very regular tactic within their group growing up- but Eddie’s throwing in the flirting had been just different enough to toss Richie off the scent. It was a low blow, though maybe Eddie didn’t know that.

“Oh fucking fantastic, you know,” Richie took a step away from Eddie and shaking his head. “I love having my best friend fuck my girlfriend and then loosing all the people I called friends in one swoop. It really gets me going.”

Eddie’s eyes blew wide open, then hardened. “You’re the one who you packed up your shit in the middle of that night, moved out to California and never talked to anybody except Stan again. You cut everybody out, not the other way around!”

“Well, I’m sorry I didn’t want to stay around and have to pretend that I was okay with what Bill did just because he’s Bill.” Richie said, wishing that he had a drink. Wishing for the first time in years that he had a drink. He knew his wants must have been obvious on his face, or maybe he’d just looked at the drink table a little too long, because all of the anger from Eddie’s face was suddenly gone and his hand was back on Richie’s arm.

“Come on, Rich, let’s get out of here.” Eddie said, voice casual but there was little hint of desperation on his face that Richie could only see from knowing him from childhood. Eddie had grown up and gotten good at hiding back his feelings, but nobody could hide everything.

“You don’t need to do this, Eds.” Richie said, knowing how pathetic he sounded but being unable to help himself. “Tell whoever put you up to this that you tried and I wouldn’t bite. Go enjoy the party.”

“You think somebody is making me talk to you?” Eddie asked him, voice lowering as hurt spread across his face. “Richie, did it ever occur to you that I maybe just hadn’t seen my friend in years, and wanted to know how he was doing?”

Richie raised his brow and Eddie sighed. “Okay, fine. I saw you standing across the room and thought you looked hot as shit. I was half way over to you when I realized it was you. But I could’ve turned around and didn’t- mind you. It actually kind of made me want to talk to you more.”

Richie pressed his hand to his chest and through on some theatrics. “My dear lord, my Eddie Spaghetti thinks I am hot? Hold the presses, this is breaking news-”

“Shut up, Trashmouth!” Eddie said, cheeks blushing as he whacked at Richie’s chest. “I always thought you were hot- even when you had braces and those ugly fucking glasses.”

“I…” Richie blinked, feeling his own cheeks begin to flush. “Well, there’s no accounting for taste, Eds.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, but he also kind of nodded, too. A burning curiosity suddenly settled in Richie’s gut.

“Hey, Eds…” He said slowly. “How come you never tried to get to me to come back? Everybody else did.”

Eddie looked at Richie for a long time, taking another sip of his wine as he mulled over his thoughts. “Well, probably because everybody was… I knew the more they tried to force you to come back, the further you were going to run. I was just giving you the time to come back on your own.”

Richie and Eddie held eye contact for a long moment before Richie cleared his throat. “And here I am.”

Eddie smiled. “Here you are.”

Richie couldn’t help but chuckle slightly, ducking his head into Eddie’s space. He hadn’t been this close to Eddie Kaspbrak in much longer than five years. It may actually be nearing on ten years since Richie and Eddie stood close enough to one another that their faces were at a risk of touching. A certain party in high school… a certain closet… and one person believing that feelings flowed both ways had put a wrench in between Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier that Richie hadn’t thought would ever have been able to be fixed.

The way Eddie was looking at him now, though, it was sort of like none of that mattered anymore. And it did, the rejection in high school mattered. It had been the first step in many that had lead Richie down the road he was on now, the isolation he’d chosen for himself. Richie has always been a social person, until he realized that there wasn’t an point in constantly being surrounded by people when he still felt alone the whole time.

The way Eddie was looking at him now, though, Richie was willing to forget it for now. The look in Eddie’s eyes, the small smile on his face, Richie was ready to toss away everything he’d ever known and be as stupid as seventeen year old with high hopes again. Richie took another step closer towards Eddie, testing the waters. That had been his utter downfall last time, jumping right into the deep end and assuming Eddie would swim, too.

But Eddie tilted his head up towards him, eyes fluttering shut for a moment, while he smiled softly. “Richie…” Eddie breathed out softly, his words dancing over Richie’s face. “Are you sure you don’t wanna get outta here? Because I’m supposed to be stay at Bill’s tonight….” Eddie looped his fingers into Richie’s belt loops and tugging him against his body. “But aren’t you staying in the hotel upstairs? I hear it’s nice. Can you show me?”

Richie blinked once, twice, then broke into a large smirk. Admittedly, it had been awhile since Richie had hooked up with somebody. Right after he and his girlfriend- Bill’s wife- had broken up, he’d whored himself out more than he probably should have. He wouldn’t hold it against himself, he’d started dating his first year of college- fresh off an Eddie Kaspbrak heart break- and had been with her exclusively since. It was the fooling around that he’d never had in college, he told himself whenever it happened. The affect had worn off since then, and it might have been upwards of years since Richie had gotten fucked. And here was Eddie- the boy who had once been his biggest wet dream- offered it up.

Maybe they’d wake up in the morning, and Richie would go back to Cali with nothing but a linger of Eddie on his lips. And he could tell himself that that was okay. Because at least he could finally feel as though all this bullshit wasn’t absolutely for nothing. He’d get a little something out of it.

“Darling,” Richie hummed, letting his face press against his Eddie’s cheek. He nudged his ear with his nose, then tugged on it with his teeth. He grinned as he felt Eddie shiver against him. “I can show you so much more than just my room. There’s a balcony. Got a great view.”

“Richie…” Eddie said, his voice almost a whine, his hands squeezing at Richie’s hips. Richie chuckled, letting their hips and chest press together. He nuzzled against Eddie’s neck, and with a rush of adrenaline, he nipped at his skin. Eddie bucked against Richie, and rocked his hips once more against him. “Richard. Get me out of here.”

“Gladly, babe.” Richie let Eddie turn around, hands still resting on his hips, as he guided them towards the exit. He glanced over his shoulder, catching Stanley’s eye. Stan nodded once, pressed a finger to his nose then pointed to a finger gun to Richie. Richie return the gesture then turned the corner out of the grand room.

He and Eddie walked side by side in silence all the way until the elevator until from the hotel’s ballroom where the reception was being held to the rooms on the upper floors. The second the elevator doors had closed and Richie had punched in his floor number, Eddie was pushing on Richie’s chest and pushing him up against the back wall. Richie tilted his head down and waggled his brows.

“Really desperate for it, Eds?” Richie teased, pressing his teeth slightly into his bottom lip just for the reaction of Eddie’s pupils dilating and him struggling to meet Richie’s gaze.

“Shut up,” Eddie said, shoving Richie’s suit jacket open and fisting at his dress shirt. He let out a slow breath. “I’ve been wanting this since high school. I think I’ve earned a little desperation.”

Richie frowned, he couldn’t help it because… “You could have had it in high school. I feel like I made that more than clear, Eds.”

An odd look crossed Eddie’s face- some sort of mixture of sadness and remorse- and he finally let his eyes catch Richie’s. “I know. I’m sorry, Rich. I was just a little asshole.”

“You were always a little asshole,” Richie shrugged, smiling down at Eddie. “I like you anyway.”

Eddie’s eyes go wide, and Richie’s quickly follow. Like you, not liked you. A very simple slip of the tongue, but it gave the whole conversation and everything that might happen after this a rather different meaning. Richie raked his brain, trying to think of some sort of joke or anything to play off the tension, but Eddie was grabbing hold of Eddie’s face and pulling him down to press their lips together.

Richie let out a soft laugh as Eddie’s lips moved against his, arms coming up to rest on Eddie’s waist and pull him in. Eddie laughed right back against him, rocking his hips forward into Richie and Richie knew that he was in for a long night. As the elevator dinged, Eddie pulled back and pulled Richie out by taking hold of his belt and tugging.

They stumbled quickly down the hall, Richie guiding them to his room. Richie had Eddie pressed against the door as he unlocked it, while Eddie pressed long open-mouthed kisses to his neck. He hissed and nearly dropped the key card when Eddie bit down and sucked harshly on the skin. “Jesus, Eds..” Richie groaned as he finally got the door open, quickly gripping Eddie’s hips so he didn’t tumble backwards into the room. “You’re going to kill me.”

“No.” Eddie pulled Richie closer to him, and smiled at him from under his lashes. “I’m going to take care of you.”

Richie closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing slightly. He felt himself stumble, as Eddie lead them through the room. He turned Richie around and pushed him down on the bed. Climbing up, Eddie pressed his legs on either side of Richie’s hips and grinned down at him. Richie felt his cock twitching and was almost embarrassed. Nothing had even happened.

“Do you have stuff?” Eddie asked, running his hands up Richie’s chest and pealing his suit jacket off him completely. “Lube? Condoms?”

Richie nodded, tossing his head back against the pillows as Eddie began to slowly unbutton his dress shirt. “In my suitcase.”

Normally, the answer would have been no. Richie had long since stopped carrying those things around, but he’d told himself that if he was going to go his ex-girlfriend’s wedding to the man who cheated he cheated on him with, then he sure as hell was going to get laid by somebody.

This was a little bit more than he’d anticipated, but he sure as hell wasn’t complaining.

Eddie smiled softly, this face letting through the same innocence that he’d once held growing up and Richie wanted to rip that innocence way. Before he got the chance, Eddie was finally opening his shirt and sliding it off him. Eddie leaned down, pressing one kiss to Richie’s neck, before taking Richie’s nipple between his teeth and tugging on it slightly.

Richie let out a loud- loud- embarrassing noise, and clapped a hand over his mouth in horror. Eddie looked up at him through his lashes, Richie being able to feel him smirking against his skin. “Suh-sorry…” Richie breathed out, tossing his head back and closing his eyes. “It’s been a long time.”

“How…” Eddie pulled back, resting above Richie on his elbows. He took Richie’s chin in his hands and pulled his face back to look at him. “How long has it been, Richie? Last I heard you were whoring yourself out to half the population of California?”

There wasn’t any judgment in Eddie’s voice, it was a genuine question. Richie laughed, and slid his fingers through Eddie’s hair. Eddie’s eyes fluttered closed and Richie could almost imagine him purring. “Yeah? And the last you heard I was probably also drinking myself to an early grave and dappling in cocaine.”

Eddie looked at Richie, giving a small bashful smile. He stroked his thumb against Richie’s cheek, and nodded. “Well…” Richie continued. “I haven’t done those things in years”

“Years?” Eddie asked, eyes going wide. He breathed out slightly, and for a terrifying moment, Richie thought he might leave. He was seconds away from grabbing at Eddie’s waist, when Eddie leaned forward and kissed him. Richie brought his arms up around Eddie’s middle and dug his nails in.

Panting, Richie started tugging and pulling on Eddie’s tuxedo jacket and tried to ignore the only hours ago Eddie had been the best man in a wedding that made Richie’s skin crawl. All the more reason to get it off him.

Eddie detached their lips, shucking the jacket off and tossing it somewhere onto the floor. Running his fingers through his own fringe, Richie licked his lips as Eddie quickly unbuttoned his dress shirt and dropped it from his body. Richie reached his suddenly trembling hands up and ran them up Eddie’s heated torso. Eddie looked down at him with twice as heated eyes, before leaning over the side of the bed and pulling the lube and condoms from Richie’s suitcase. He tossed them onto the blankets a promptly forgot about them.

Richie hadn’t even realized he was already hard until Eddie licked a strip up his happy trail and he felt his cock convulse in his now much too tight suit pants. “Fuck, Richie…” Eddie sighed, running his fingers through the hairs there, but thankfully not pulling on them. “You’re telling me you haven’t had sex in years? That’s…. cruel.”

Richie chucked, running a hand over his face. “When I got out of rehab and started my counselling, one of my challenges was to be completely celibate for six months because I was using sex as a vice as much the drugs and alcohol. After the six months were up, I wasn’t involve din the club or bar scene anymore so the opportunities just didn’t come my way anymore.”

Too much, too much, too much. Richie knew it the second the words left his mouth. Curse Eddie Kaspbrak and his secret talent of getting Richie to spill his guts. Even Stan didn’t know that Richie had checked himself into rehab all those years ago, just that he’d decided to clean his act up. This sort of admission could very well knock the entire night off course, and Richie would have nobody to blame but himself.

But Eddie just pressed a soft kiss to Richie’s navel and started undoing his belt. Whether Eddie was really good a friend, or if he was just that desperate to get laid, Richie wasn’t sure but he was going to roll with it.

Eddie pulled the belt free and made quick work of the buttons on Richie’s suit pants, yanking them down and off in one quick swoop. Eddie- honest to God- licked his lips as Richie’s cock sprung up against his stomach and Richie figured then that he must have died and this was his heaven.

Eddie danced his finger tip against the head of Richie’s cock, just the barest of touches, teasing and no satisfaction. Richie whined and bared his hips upwards. “Eddie… Eds… please touch me. Fuck.”

“Don’t worry,” Eddie said and his voice was low, so fucking low that if Richie hadn’t already been painfully hard already that would’ve done it for him. “I’m gonna take care of you, Rich. I told you. Just relax.”

Richie tried to force himself to relax, chest still heaving and cock still aching. Eddie pressed soft kisses down his length as he wiggled down the bed, spreading his legs apart and settling between them. Richie’s breath hitched and goddamn, he was positive now that Eddie’s plan for the night was to kill him.

Eddie wrapped a hand around Richie’s thigh and heaved it up to rest over his shoulder. He pressed both hands to Richie’s ass and squeezed lightly. Richie moaned, more of a whimper but he wanted to give himself the dignity to say it was a moan, and rocked down closer to Eddie’s hands. “Come on… please…”

“It’s okay,” Eddie whispered, pressing a kiss to Richie’s ass cheek. Then another. Then another. And then..

“FUCK!” Richie cried as Eddie’s lapped over his hole. He let out a pitiful cry as Eddie moved his face away, latching his legs tighter around Eddie’s shoulders and gripping his hair in his fists. Eddie let out a breathless laugh, and pressed a single kiss to his rim. He moaned as Eddie began to flick his tongue against his entrance.

Richie rocked back against Eddie, essentially riding his tongue, and his fingers twitched. He hadn’t even untangled them from Eddie’s hair to reach up and touch himself yet, when Eddie was pulling away and pushing Richie’s arms against the mattress on either side of his hips.

Eddie’s wiped his mouth with the back of his arm and Richie moaned once more. This was so far from the little germaphobe that Richie had run around with growing up, and it filled Richie with too much fondness for the circumstances.

Eddie slid his hands up and down Richie’s thighs. “Thought I said I was going to take care of you, Richie… Would you rather do it yourself? Should I leave?”

“No!” Richie cried, and he sounded panicked. He could hear it in his voice, and he could see it in the way Eddie raised his eyebrows. Could feel it in the way Eddie squeezed his thighs. “Please, please don’t go. I… stay, Eds. Please?”

“Yeah…” Eddie’s voice broke a little bit. “Yeah, Rich. I will. I’m not going anywhere.”

Richie breathed out and lifted his hands up. He pressed one on either side of Eddie’s face, and pushed them together until Eddie’s face squished up. Eddie swatted Richie away, giggling, and then quickly climbed back up his body.

Eddie knocked their noses together, the two of them sharing air. Prolonged eye contact usually made Richie’s skin crawl, but he found right now that he couldn’t look away. Their foreheads rested together, and Eddie thumb was pressing light circles against Richie’s cheek. Richie was aware of Eddie’s free hand moving through the blankets and Richie’s heart lurched.

“Eds…” Richie sighed out. “I… I wanna see you.”

Eddie blinked, then grinned. The lube was forgotten once again as Eddie took hold of Richie’s hands and moved them to the buckle of his belt. Richie frantically moved to pull the belt from the loops and toss it away. Yanking Eddie’s pants open and off, Richie shoved at Eddie’s stomach until he fully hovered above Richie on his knees. Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie’s thighs, and started mouthing at the hard outline of Eddie’s cock through his briefs.

Eddie tossed his head back and moaned, pushing his fingers through Richie’s mop of curls, and letting himself get lost in the teasing. Richie ran his hands up and behind Eddie’s thighs, leaving open mouthed kisses until Eddie’s underwear was soaked with a mix of saliva and pre-cum. “Eds…” Richie moaned out, nuzzling against Eddie’s bulge and kissing at it softly. “Can I suck you off?”

Eddie moaned as Richie snapped the band of his briefs against Eddie’s waist. He cupped Richie’s chin and nudged it to look up at him. Richie’s eyes were black with arousal and Eddie let out a groan that was almost a growl at the sight. “Richie… normally there is no way in hell I’d refused that but…” Eddie cleared his throat roughly. His thighs were starting to shake. “But I think I’m quite literally dying to fuck you right now so if we could just… Can we just…?”

Richie nodded quickly, tossing himself back against the pillows so that his curls spread out across the pillows. Eddie held both his hands against Richie’s stomach and took a long, deep breath. After his moment, Eddie pulled his wet briefs off and sent them joining the pile of clothing on the floor.

Eddie grabbed the bottle of lube and squinted it onto his fingers, spreading it for warmth. Richie let out a small squeak from the back of his throat, arm coming out to dig his nails into Eddie’s thigh. Eddie quickly learned down, careful not to let his sticky fingers touch the blankets, and ran his tongue along Richie’s bottom lip. Richie whined as he felt Eddie’s finger press against his rim.

The preparation process maybe moved a little bit faster than Eddie would have liked, but at this point it wasn’t just something that had been drawn out for hours… it was something that been drawn out for years. Maybe that was his fault (no, it was. It was without a doubt, his fault.) but he would truthfully expire on this hotel mattress if it didn’t happen soon.

He stretching three fingers inside Richie, who had a death grip on his biceps and tears in his eyes. “Eddie… Eddie, fuck… Fuck me please. Please, please. I’m ready, fuck me, fucking fuck…”

“Okay, okay, Rich. I got you,” Eddie breathed out, pressing a kiss to Richie’s forehead. He slipped his fingers got, wincing at how Richie whined in displeasure. “I got you.”

He grabbed the bottle of lube and slicked up his cock after rolling the condom down his length. Richie’s watery gaze didn’t waver as he watched Eddie line up with his hole. Eddie pushed in slowly, but bottomed up without stopping. Once Eddie was fully inside, Richie let out the type of moan that most definitely belong in a porn.

“Holy fuck…” Eddie whispered, clutching at Richie’s leg and drawing it over his shoulder. He could tell already that he wasn’t going to last- but like hell he wasn’t going to get Richie there first. Pulling all the way out slowly, then thrusting back in hard, Eddie relished the way Richie squeaked out of his name and squeezed his eyes shut. Keeping up the same speed, he watched as the tears that had built up in Richie’s eyes fall down his face while he moaned loud enough that if anybody was staying in the rooms on either side of them, they were getting a free audio show.

“Eddie… Eddie… Eddie…” Richie was chanting and the way clench around Eddie’s cock every time he went to pull out had his head spinning. Eddie pulled his cock free, ignoring how Richie gasped then let out a slightly panicked whine. Eddie held tight to Richie’s hips as he rolled onto his back and pulled Richie above his waist.

He positioned his cock at Richie’s hole once more and thrust up, filling him completely. “FUCK!” Richie shouted as though it had been punched right out of him. “Holy shit, Eds. So deep…”

Eddie positioned his feet on the bed and started thrusting into the man above him. Richie rocked forward, hands wrapping around Eddie’s neck and he cried out against Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie picked up a pace that he was knew was borderline brutal, his hands surely leaving bruises on Richie’s hips. He could feel himself burning up from the inside out. “Touch yourself,” He hissed against Richie’s ear, tugging it with his teeth.

“Don’t…” Richie moaned helplessly. “Don’t need to… Don’t need….” That seemed to be all Richie could get out before Eddie was aware of the thick wetness spreading between them, and Richie’s fingers dragging scratches on the back of his neck. Eddie only managed other thrust into Richie before he was coming hard into the condom.

“Fuck….Richie.” Eddie whispered. He felt Richie shift to get up, and grabbed his arms tightly around Richie’s waist. Holding him there. He pressed his face against Richie’s collar bones and told himself that if his eyes were closed, then there couldn’t be tears in them.

xxx

When Richie woke up, he was alone and sore in a hotel bed. He rolled over, pulled his phone out and searched up the earliest flight to California.

#reddie #reddie fic #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #my writing #connection verse

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scigebabadook · 5 years

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cisfemale — ever hear people say SAIGE BORDEAUX looks a lot like LIANA LIBERATO? I think SHE is about 20, so it doesn’t really work. The LINGUISTICS + CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY major is a SOPHOMORE that is from ALL OVER THE PLACE. They can be BLITHE, but they can also be EVASIVE. I think SAIGE might be a SHEEP. They are living in BALTA. ( snot goblin. 20. EST. she/they. )

hello ,,, it seems i am a sheep and Refuse to leave the herd. aka i love u all so frickin’ much ,,, and w/o further ado, here is saige !! pleathe LIKE this so i can shimmy into yr ims !!

TW: drug use, alcoholism, implied abuse ? shitty parents at the very least, addiction

a e s t h e t i c s

stick n’ pokes at 2am – when your drunk and giggling too much in between purposeful stabs, avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk because they’re bad luck and they’ll break your mother’s back – even if your mother doesn’t love you, because you love her, the familiar riff in an old song – one that’s got you strumming along silently; there is no guitar, only empty air lit by the christmas lights you haven’t taken down. it’s may. swallowing down shots, and by default, swallowing down problems. laughing quick, easily, constantly. skinned knees from skateboarding, despite being rubbish at it. wishes on eyelashes stuck to your cheekbones, glitter sticking, running into the ocean at sunrise; feeling at home. excuses, and the many forms they come in. telling people you love them through hand squeezes and fresh muffins, sideways glances and soft, eager grins.

general info !!

full name: saige alouette bordeaux

nickname(s): n/a so give her some uwu

b.o.d. - july 7th, 20 whole yrs old.

label(s): the hedonist, the icarcian, the reveler, etc. etc.

height: 5′7″ !!

hometown: thibodaux, louisiana

sexuality: firstly when aren’t my babies bi as FUCK but she also prefers masc-presenting folks

stats

biography !!

the fallible daughter of two very infallible people: robert bordeaux, US lieutenant general, and manon levesque, world renown fashion designer. both calculating, cold, and purposeful.

saige never believed she was created out of love. it was an action with a purpose, intentions to create the perfect child. the hybrid of both military genius and fashion extraordinaire, molded to their will.

it took them no more than six months after her birth for her parents to up and move, thus beginning the cycle of packing and unpacking, flying and driving, state-to-state and country-to-country. the longest saige had ever stayed in one place was two years.

kept on a short leash, homeschooled, and learning skills she had no interest in – she was more like a pet, a project, than a child. the world moved all around her, but she felt restrictively tethered to her parents.

she had always felt this way. a bird in a cage of thorns.

it was hard to keep and maintain friends – saige would be there one day, and gone the next. a ghost, a very visible ghost. even so, she tried her hardest.

running from bodyguards (nannies, in a sense. her father is a paranoid man) into festival crowds and climbing out of windows in the dark of night to swim in lakes with locals she’d meet only a few hours earlier – she absorbed as much of what she could get; this intense, undying love for a world she had always craved to see.

it was the start of something near dangerous – a phase that seemed to never end, rebellion coursing through her veins. a wild child in the making, unknowing of limits. the bad sort of crowd was the crowd she found herself landing, more often than not – introducing the sheltered girl to a world she hadn’t quite known existed

she ran away, briefly, at age fifteen with a man three years older than her – which nearly ended up in a tabloid magazine if it hadn’t been for her parents’ money. though the guilt of her parents’ disappointed weighed on her, the thrill fueled something much worse

from that point on, she became a problem child. from public intoxication to vandalism – it was clear their daughter was unraveling and nothing could contain her.

boarding school was a small attempt to stop it – she got expelled.

she hadn’t intended to go to university, either – but, by some chance – and after a mysterious year-long disappearance from public eye during her eighteenth year of living, next thing she knew, she was a student at gifford university in a town she’d never been to before.

personality !!

bubbly. so fucking bubbly. she’s got so much fucking energy on her – she goes running every morning and every night and swims like every afternoon and she’s n e v e r tired ?? the personality of a coke bottle shaken up but like if the bottle could laugh.

tries her hardest to be the Happy Fun friend, y’know, the one who can hook you up w/ some sicccc shit b/c she befriended/possibly slept with her drug dealer and now she gets discounts.

like, generally, comes off as very confident of herself and fearless and, like, yes–reckless, but like a fun reckless, y’know ??

talks a l o t, could ramble for days, hand gestures and all.

if she wants to do something, she will do it and there’s not much you can do to stop her tbh. she’s very easy-going, very go-go-go, very…mischievous, y’know? even if she’s trying to do something stupid you kinda just have to let her do it or otherwise she’ll mope for three hours and pout at you and you’ll feel ?? this weird sense of guilt ?? which isn’t the Best thing but she’s not the best person either so dfghjh

a vegetarian !! meat makes her sick, like, physically.

uuuhh her vocabulary consists of a lot of ‘likes’ and ‘ums’ and ‘y’knows’, y’know ??

i am like 99% sure she’s got adhd but she’s never been diagnosed with it b/c her parents suck with that stuff. her parents sort of suck in general.

like…she’s currently not on speaking terms with them. she’s not disowned…like, yet, but they haven’t said more than like five words to each other since saige was eighteen and it k i l l s her but they also send her a shit ton of money every month so.

owns like…four cars…..she has them all on campus…..she prolly isn’t suppose to…but she does…one of them’s a real sleek sports car, one is a jacked up pick-up truck that’s decked out in like LED lights n shit, one is the same exact fucking car from the princess diaries b/c saige is obsessed w/ the movie. the other is like. a mini cooper probably.

a photographer, her walls are covered in photographs and art and taped-down plants and in general her room is very ?? cluttered ?? like it’s very home-y but god. she’s a mess. clothes everywhere. she’s probably got a pile of instruments and other miscellaneous hobbies on a chair in the corner that she hasn’t touched in a while

speaking of !! she has a bunch of random, like, skills ?? like knitting and sewing and cooking and three different forms of ballroom dancing, and she can definitely work a gun and a car engine except she goes thru interests so rapidly and is disinterested in most of the other ones b/c her parents forced like half of them onto her.

she plays bass guitar. she loves her bass guitar. she knows other instruments but the only ones she’ll really fidget with are her bass guitar and like, her violin. everything else she’s like ~okay~ at

got really obsessed with languages at a young age and started learning them ?? her mother is like. super french, like genuinely from france, so she already grew up speaking both english and french but she’s learnt others for the hell of it and she’s still learning like three other at the same time which is a MESS but she’s a mess so like can u blame her sdfghj

but like i said, she’s v e r y reckless. very much a party girl. she uses like…quite a few drugs, both socially and alone and frankly – she’s rarely sober.

a budding alcoholic because she’s convinced that without it she’ll be Miserable and Horrible to everybody because she’s a Horrible, Awful person who is the absolute Worse and if drinking vodka mixed in with 23 crystal lite packets helps with not thinking like that then she’ll do it no questions asked

its a problem she’s been developing since she was younger, only amplified by … the situation, that happened when she was eighteen.

is essentially wearing this mask of confidence and giddiness and flirtatiousness b/c she doesnt want people to think she’s doing Not Okay.

she loves so much. she loves everything, everybody. falls in love like five times a day but nothing really sticks to her either. if ur a shitty person/come off as an asshole then she’ll be more likely to be attracted to her b/c shes Always been like this. finds them super interesting which is ?? questionable ?? sometimes i want to just. knock some sense into her but y’know what…it’s fine we’re Fine

she gets around p frequently but is also the type of person who’ll like, try n maintain a positive, good friendship with whoever she sleeps with b/c the idea of having regrettable encounters is smth that Bothers her and she just pretty much refuses.

it’s honestly a bit of a problem ?? she blurs the lines between friendship and Something, Anything More too often and with too many people b/c she just. wants to be loved. but there is never enough !

she does stick n pokes !! a whole bunch !! let her give you one !! she can’t draw for shit but i mean, who cares, right ??

uuuhh her mom sends her like…prototypes of things she designs n shit that isn’t out yet and saige 100% always gives it away or it sits in her closet and essentially that is her go-to gift for birthdays or christmas or whenever she feels like it

there’s literally sm i could say about her but i’ll stop Here b/c it’s getting too long sksksksk

wanted connections !!

give me. a best friend. just somebody who sticks by her side even though she’s a Mess

like, a ride or die ?? is that the same as a best friend ?? idc i want both :)

and just in general, like, people she’s p close to ?? she’s really friendly and is the kind of girl who’d be really popular in high school but doesn’t care abt popularity n talks to literally Everybody like she’s known them all her life.

ESP if ur muse is a lil grumpier !! she will fuck their shit up, but like, in a friendship way.

party pals, where they don’t talk that much outside of parties but inside them ?? super close. glued to the hip. hold-your-hair-back kinda tight.

frenemies ?? fake friends ?? toxic pals ?? ppl using her for her money or like, sex, or something ?? anything ??

bad influences ?? who just encourage all of saige’s shit ??

good influences ?? who are like YOINK stop being an idiot.

a tutor b/c she’s like…she’s smart, okay, but she’s also really stupid LMAO. she’s rly bad at math and science. somebody help her.

hook ups ?? fwbs ?? that one, rare one-night-stand that went weird ??

exes ?? she’s sorta noncommittal so idk how long they would’ve dated but like sjdfkbo yolo ?? ex hook-ups too ??

…somebody who just. hates her. but she doesn’t realize bc she’s a big ol’ idiot. she thinks theyre pals !!

let her b a thorn in someone’s side, just like, an absolute annoyance LMAO

gimme an enemy, or like an ex-best friend where something happened between them n it ruined their friendship

i will take literally anything i dont know

she steals ur character’s mail ?? ur cat keeps escaping and she keeps letting them inside even tho she’s allergic ??

one of those friendships where theyre always bickering like an old married couple ?? but it’s Purely Platonic (or is it ??)

an off-and-on again that just. it’s not good for either of them b/c they keep enabling each other and then getting pissed off and it’s a Mess but ?? it’s so hard to stop.

the drug dealer she keeps sleeping with even though she can just ... pay for her shit. b/c it’s funner this way !

just ... people where their like ... relationship status is Blurred and it’s like, are they a thing? are they not? b/c she’s a mess and gets involved with too many people without intending to !

please. take her. give me connections.

#livingintro #drug addiction tw #alcoholism tw #abuse tw #[youtube comment voice] first !!!!111!!!111!

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the-cryptographer · 6 years

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Probably not that many of you follow my writing too closely, but even for those of you that haven’t you might have noticed that I discuss polyamorous ships and concepts kind of disproportionately. And even when I’m not directly engaging open relationships or polyamory, I’m often writing monogamy as it exists in the context of people who are (1) spontaneously attracted to people who are not their partner and (2) have strong, emotionally intimate relationships with people outside their family or romances.

I’m far more willing for the latter to be the hill I die on than the former - which is to say closed two-person relationships are great, but I’ll forever stand by the estimation that, in any healthy relationship as such, both participants should be allowed without fear to have strong friendships with, and to experience passing attractions to, other people. But I kind of want to talk more about the former: about why I write polyamory, and how it is often a safer space for me to talk about my feelings of insecurity and jealousy and possessiveness than monogamy is. I’m not saying that it should be that kind of space for everyone - I understand and respect how, for many people, open relationships and polyamory can be a much less safe and secure place for people to explore these emotions. But I guess I’m bucking up against the idea that open and/or polyamorous relationships are inherently less suited than monogamy to comfortably processing these emotions. Against the idea that characters (and people) must be interpreted as unsuited for polyamory for the presence of feelings of shyness, insecurity, jealousy, etc. And, conversely, against the idea put forth by proponents of polyamory that it exists as a more generous and free form of love, which is inherently above feelings of insecurity or possessiveness.

I’m not exactly swimming in a surplus of relationship experience here, and the rest is me talking vaguely about my personal experience of anxiety in interpersonal relationships. So under the cut:

I mean, the gist of it is I’m a rather aloof and insecure person – anxious and neurotic. I often worry about getting clingy and overbearing with people, even when I’m pulling away in practice. I’m often envious of others - of their ambitions and accomplishments, outgoing nature and confidence and attractiveness. I have an overestimated opinion of my own talents at times, but somehow it’s vaporous and will recede into air - when I’m upset, I often have trouble thinking of things about myself that I like. I feel hopeless and helpless when situations run outside of my control, and can definitely become controlling and manipulative in my attempts to regain a feeling of security - although I’m relatively aware of it and take efforts to not toe ethical boundaries and to accept what’s outside of my power. But it upsets me all the same. I get tired of other people easily, even though I’m also often craving contact and social stimuli. I end up guarding my relationships with others pretty closely - I want to be around and there for the people I like, and I don’t want them to ditch me for other people. Being abandoned or left behind is probably my most reoccurring fear.

Based on assumption, this doesn’t seem entirely to me like someone who’d be really into multiple partner relationships. But it is. And it’s not something that’s really new for me. I’ve have a pretty long documented interest in open relationships and three-person relationships. In practice, I’m notoriously bad with relationships, and I think there are some ways that polyamory is inherently more complicated than monogamy that make it a further stretch for me - most notably it would involve maintaining relationships with more people and making decisions so as to accommodate and attend to the feelings of three (or more) people rather than two. But simply from the perspective of insecurity and abandonment, it’s something I find more cathartic and comfortable than monogamy.

It’s just... I’m painfully aware of all the ways that relationships fall apart. Certainly feelings for or a relationship with another person is one possible cause. But, there are just so many reasons. So many ways that stress, and tragedy, and death can pull people apart. Even for much less traumatic reasons, there are so many reasons someone could not be in the same place in my life five years from now. There are so many deeply practical reasons for people to split apart or let each other drift. And there are so many reasons that someone might very well chose to be alone rather than be with me (a decision i make about other people regularly) And there are so many ways all of that may or may not coincide with someone coming to love and care about me less - which really fucking stings, yeah. So amidst that crescendo of deeply upsetting feelings and realisations, there’s not really something super uniquely traumatic about the idea that the person I’m with might be in love with or sleep with someone else. I don’t see loving someone else or sleeping with someone else as determinately attached to either someone leaving me, or caring less about me. And if someone left me or came to love me less because of it - it would probably hurt no more and no less than if they left me or came to love someone else for all the many other reasons something like that might happen.

I mean, there are a lot of very shitty people out there who cheat as an easy, volatile escape from a relationship, or use their attraction to other people as a weapon to pry at their partner’s or partners’ insecurities and control them, or just generally behave like a waste of space. But I kind of default to my own experience here, and I don’t think it’s necessarily bad for me to want to connect with people who experience this in roughly the same way that I do. Which is to say I find it’s rather easy to care about multiple people at once, and to find multiple people attractive at once, and that wanting to sleep with that person over there doesn’t mean I’m /less/ interested in this person right here. Also I’m bi with aro leanings. And, while I don’t think this is really hardwired into my sexuality, I think my sexuality has made it a part of my identity that’s really hard to deny. I realise other people have described being bi as gender not being a determining factor in their attraction if they’ve otherwise found the right person. And that’s cool, and it’s interesting how this kind of thing works differently for different people. But for my personal brand, I kind of mean it more like if I’m in a room with forty random people, I’m going to find multiple men and multiple women attractive out of that forty people. And out of those, probably none of them I’ll actually want to sleep with, for god knows what number of petty reasons. But... I know there’s never going to be a one and only for me. Not because I couldn’t be with one person and only one person to death do us part in practice, but it’s not how my emotional response works. I feel strong emotionally intimate connections with people, but nothing that’s really of a singular romantic focus. And I’m going to always walk into that room with forty people and think a good number of them are sexy. And I’m very absolutely not okay with being with someone who’s not able to be okay with that. It’s been the object of too much shame and homophobia in my life that I’m not okay with having to hide it in its entirety from the people I’m closest to.

So, none of this is like - it must be polyamory for me. But it’s very... why not? If I found a couple of people I found interesting, and found me interesting, could get the logistics to work... why not? If the idea of someone I like sleeping with someone else doesn’t stress me out any more than all the other shit I’m constantly stressed out about... it’s kind of better that there are more people that you mutually care about and that you can rely on, no? If there are more people around, I’m better supported if something bad happens to one of them. If I feel insecure and need attention, there are more potential people who could provide it for me. If I am overtaxed and tired and can’t give my partner attention when they need it, there’s someone else who can maybe step in and help them. If there are more people that love and care about you, and/or more people that love and care about the people that you love and care about - that’s nice. I mean, this kind of thing cuts both ways - even if love’s not a finite resource, attention certainly is. And it means putting more attention and work in, for the sake of more people. It means more individual relationships to manage and maintain that might, nonetheless, someday sour. And all of this is balanced against the fact that, in our personal relationships most of all, we want to be recognised and appreciated in a unique and individual way. But there’s a kind of security in a wider network that doesn’t over-rely on any one of its parts. And I think people underestimate the heady comfort that could exist in that - almost particularly for those who are anxious, insecure, and controlling.

Anyhow, these are the kind of personal considerations that effect my fictional interests. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talks. I wrote this post at 3am. Don’t make me regret it.

#the process

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swampertspawner · 4 years

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Me, Myself, and So On

A draft for our nonficiton class in university. I hope you enjoy!

I’ll be completely honest in saying I don’t know who I am. After all, what’s the measure of truly knowing a person? Is it knowing their tics? Is it knowing their secrets? Is it knowing their life story? I know all of this. Why then, don’t I feel like I know myself? Most days I don’t feel like a person, more like someone’s original character: a messy hodge-podge of other popular characters that the creator has as comfort characters. If I am to speak candidly, I feel like I’ve taken the best characteristics from the people I admire most and made a vain effort of emulating them just to create a singular personality. My best friend’s compassion, my blockmates kinship, one of my previous classmate’s work ethic, and the lessons in patience I learned from my ex-partner. What happens if it’s all torn away? Who’s left? What will I see? Will I even want to see it? Now, like many people, ever since I started quarantine I’ve had nothing but time. Unlike most people, though, my choices of activity were limited: eating, sleeping, using the computer, maybe watching the TV once but that’s pretty much it. Sometimes when I got tired of those I started thinking instead. Thinking about what state the world was going to end up in. Thinking about what I’d be doing once this all blows over (even though sometimes I felt like it never will). After that I ask what I’ll be like by that time. Then the ultimate question that comes up time and time again in my life reared it’s ugly head: who am I in the first place? Every time I tried to get at the bottom of this question, I’m met with many different answers. Some I’d like to show you while we think about themーme as I’m writing this and you as you’re reading this. I’m a personal believer that two minds are greater than one, but since I’ve lost mine over quarantine, I hope you can keep up for the both of us while you’re reading my revised stream of consciousness. The first answer I’ve come to is that I’m a reincarnation of my mother: bright, joyful, and even coming with a striking resemblance. Honestly, I felt like Harryーconstantly being told that I have my mother's eyes, along with her cheeks, nose, mouth, and so on. I feel like a clone they’ve started to project onto. I don’t completely blame them; my mother passed away at a relatively young age, and I’m one of the only things they can really remember her by. Still, it would be nice if they saw me as my own person instead of seeing my mother all the time. Even as I say that, I’ve still done my part in making sure I live up to the name she made for herself. She’s one of the people I look up to the most. The cutting intellect she possessed, the joy she seemed to emanate to other people; I aspire to be like her one day. I suppose that’s the biggest thing stopping me from claiming this is the fact that I feel like I don’t deserve to. I’m not so mean to myself that I’d say I haven’t done anything meaningful, but it’s harder to say that any of them amount to how my maternal family and her old co-workers talk about her. Of course, every light has its own dark, and it seems this idyllic answer of me that my maternal family keeps in their hearts is eclipsed by the constant sight that my paternal family--the relatives I spend more time with--sees. Seemingly on the computer 24/7, with no real world experience or motivation to do anything other than eat, play video games, use the computer, and sleep. Truly, it’s quite a stark difference depending on whoever I’m with. Like many people though, I do change, whether consciously or unconsciously, how I act towards other people. At some point I felt some pang of guilt every time I realized it, then eventually it just started fading away. Another answer I came upon is my online presence, and all the people I’ve met and all the people I’ve brushed with. This is the most speculative and sporadic answer because so many different people have so many different imprints of me. A lot of it is also dependent on what online circle and community I’m in. Sure, I have a general vibe that I exude to many people: a very chill shitposter that’s funny sometimes, soft all the time. Even still, I think about the people I’ve talked with before and lost touch with. What imprint do I have of them? What do they think of me? Do they still even think of me in the first place? One thing I don’t doubt is my negative influence. A good chunk of my time online was spent being a general asshole with the usual discriminatory bullshit you expect from someone growing up in the Philippines at the time. Trash-talking (even though I wasn’t very good at it), trolling, thinking I was hot shit even though it was far, far from the truth. Granted, I was 12 and growing, but that doesn’t make it any better. The fact still stands that there might be people’s lives I’ve impacted for the worse. Sometimes I think about them, how I want to make it up to them, maybe show them I’ve changed and give them closure if they need it. Sadly, with the imperfect world we live within, the last interaction it ever allowed me with those people is a negative one. Despite all this, I’m happy to report that I’ve grown as a person. At least, this answer has grown as a person. I’ve learned compassion. I’ve learned patience. I’ve learned respect. Sometimes I scare myself, since I say something bad and have to catch myself slipping mentally and right myself right after. Learning never stops, after all. Neither does the fear of going back to who you once were. The growth and development this persona’s gone through was definitely shaped by the fact that I was online a lot. While I’m sure it resulted in deeper psychological scars with a lasting impact on the rest of my life, I’m not sure what those are. Partly because I don’t entirely remember where those scars even are. You see, the funny thing about the brain is that it's smart, and it’s smart enough to hide away the things that make it feel bad (most of the time). For most of the things that happened to me, even if I want to remember them, I kinda can’t. Nonetheless, I still know they’re there. For one, it was pretty early on that I started to break away from the backwards values that I’ve been raised on that were steeped in misogyny, homophobia, colorism...the list just goes on. Philippine media (and quite frankly media in general) has a way of reinforcing the negativity that society tries to correct and progress past. Gay stereotypes, whitening ads, the usual storylines of teledramas that give 0 agency to the women in the story; it’s honestly so tiring, but I’m glad I can see what’s wrong with it all now. Another thing is that I was able to meet so many people that have irrevocably changed my life, whether for the better or the worse. Similar to how I’ve been able to impact many people in passing, such is the case for me too: thousands of people that have changed my life despite staying in my life for barely a moment. I wonder if they think the same way about me as I do with the people I’ve influenced. That’s the beauty of the internet really; so many people can touch your life even for just a fraction of a second and still leave you a different person than who you were before you met them. The third answer for me to show you is what my classmates see: someone demure or unassuming at first glance that suddenly evolves into a noisy, unhinged crackhead that you wonder how you became friends in the first place. This persona’s had an interesting development because I’ve started to completely disregard the demure part and start being a crackhead right out of the gate. The biggest reason for it was that I had the thought that acting so likely attracts similar people; similar people that I’ve desperately wanted to know and meet for most of my life. The truth is that there’s a singular driving force behind me having multiple faces for multiple people. Growing up, I’ve never been able to fully express myself for many reasons. The first one being that in the place I grew up in, I was practically the only person that had the interests I did. That pretty much stands true ‘til this day. To be frank, my household is one of the few that’s able to afford the privileges I enjoyed growing up (namely cable tv and the Internet). Because of it I was the only one that knew what the hell Adventure Time, Regular Show, and et cetera was for a long time. I was the only one in my neighborhood familiar with Youtube communities other than the site just being used for music. That’s not to say the people in my neighborhood were completely devoid of online culture. Everyone was familiar with the usual suspects of Pisonet Online Games: Audition, Crossfire, DOTA, League of Legends, and so on. The problem really only lies in the fact that I wasn’t able to really connect with those communities and ended up alienating myself. You can say the same about my other faces. My being put on a pedestal as my mother’s son was not helped by the fact I was also naturally smart and bright myself. One of the remnants that my mother left me was English being my first language. For the longest time I was talking English better than Filipino (and you can imagine everything that entails a bully-able kid only speaking English the Philippines). Even online, which is often seen as the last bastion for people to find others that they can connect with, other people that share the same interests, I felt alienated. I went so long without discovering those communities or being unable to fully express myself in those communities because widdle baby Raven wasn’t smart enough to make an alternate account. As such, even voicing myself online was restricted. There was never any avenue for me to really be myself. Well, not until recently, of course. Some people say that if a person has been depressed since childhood, once they reach adulthood they often try to take back the childhood they spent thinking they would kill themselves before they even became adults. While I’ve never been depressed myself, I resonate so goddamn hard with this sentiment that I thought I manifested an earthquake when I first heard it (I didn’t; god just wanted to fuck with me for some reason). I’ve spent so much of my life repressing who I was that I don’t even express it to people that would understand or accept. I end up feeling caged in my house, wistfully standing in a dark room and looking out of the window as I watch Spongebob and Patrick have fun being themselves. The final answer we have to our original question is a simple one: it’s the person of who I am when I’m alone, and truth be told, I have no idea who that person is. When I’m alone in my room at night, who am I really? When I have the house to myself, who comes out? I’ll be honest in saying that even when I’m completely alone, whoever the person I really am is, they barely come out. There’s nothing to make a face for, no front that’s needed, so why do they still stay cooped up and hidden? They’re quite the enigma. For one they paradoxically like being expressive. They blast music and sing and dance along with it. Maybe because they stay inside for such long periods of time they bask whenever they do come out. Another thing about this mystery person is how incredibly horny they are. Seriously, you would think they’re a teenager because of their constant thirst. Maybe this is their attempt to connect. They weren’t raised with the healthiest views on intimacy you see. It’s very warped. Despite the things they’ve done to remedy it, they slip at times. Or maybe it’s not horniness. Maybe they just do it systemically. They know that jacking off releases dopamine; maybe they do just whenever they need dopamine and not just because they feel something carnal. There’s so many things I can tell you about them, still: how much they like ambient sounds of rain, how they like listening to K-Pop music because they want to listen to music but not be distracted by lyrics they understand, how puzzling it is that they’re still unknown even though I’ve been given nothing but time these 8 months in quarantine. I can go on and on about all these but at the end of the day, it boils down to the fact that I have no idea who they are despite how much I know about them. It’s true I know a lot about them, but what do I know about them? Why does it feel like they keep giving me tidbits and not the whole thing? What the hell do these small pieces of personality tell me about the whole? As I’m writing this, I’m still thinking about who I really am. The person that’s dwelling just beneath the surface, trying their best to stay hidden against all my efforts to pull them out. For as long as I’ve been in quarantine, I’ve been starting to wonder if I even want to. Is all this trouble truly worth it? What if I don’t like what comes out? The other answers I have are so much nicer than the parts that the final one shows. I’ve lived for so long being comfortable with how I am now; is it really that important I find out what the “real” one is? At the end of the day, I don’t know. I’m a very tired person; I reserve my energy just for the things I deem the most important. As such, continuing with this may just be a waste of my energy, but I’ll really only find out by the end of it, right? It’s still a horrifying prospect to imagine that I wasted so much of my time to find out, only for it to be for nothing. There’s still a silver lining, though, that if I don’t like what comes out, maybe I can just keep looking for an answer that I like instead.

#writers on tumblr #essay #writeblr #writerblr #nonficion

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firebirdsdaughter · 4 years

Text

RANT

The entirety of my tag rant.

I’m not normally this… I dunno what the word would be. Invested? Emotional? I know it’s just a show (and none of this is directed at anyone, I mean, Toei doesn’t give a shit what I think), but…

The thing is that, like Ryusoulger, the show and esp the Horobi and Fuwa dynamic (and Horobi and Jin) helped me get through a really shitty time for me, emotionally. They got me through… possibly some of the closest I’ve ever gotten to being suicidal, depression-wise, a seat they share w/ OOO (and Ankh and Eiji’s relationship) and Boukenger my freshman spring semester of college.

I am not actively suicidal. I have never been actively suicidal. I am very… Well, proud’s not the right word, but it’s the closest I got—proud of that.

But I spent a long spell of unemployment and then being cooped up in the house on furlough absolutely losing my mind. I felt like shit and a failure and I was scared, and mad at everything. I couldn’t get in touch w/ my therapist. Ryusoulger and then Horobi and Fuwa (and often Horobi and Jin) helped alleviate that. Helped get me through the week w/out going insane. I got to completely set everything aside and smile for a bit. I got inspired to write again after having lost interest for a bit. Even just the few-second basement eps came to be so important to me. I was so invested in these two characters and their relationship, it was like, everything I loved about that type of set up, everything.

To see it so completely… Shoved aside and forgotten like that… It’s… It’s really painful. It feels like a judgement on me, like the universe is mocking me for liking something. And if I had been equally as interested in the thing that was wedged in its place, things might be different, but instead I felt nothing for Fuwa and Naki. What started as bland indifference, however, turned to a psychosomatic reaction as suddenly took over everywhere to the point that it was night impossible to stay in my corner bc my corner no longer existed. I suddenly didn’t feel like I had anything to talk to people about anymore. Even now, I know of like, one and a half people I feel like I talk to about Horobi and Fuwa. There was a lot of going on about why Naki and Fuwa were ‘better’ to the point I had to mute or even unfollow bc I was just… Having too severe a psychological reaction. And the fact that it’s literally the canon content itself behaving in this way too just makes it all the more agonising.

And again, this isn’t at anyone. I’m just explaining why I have such an intense reaction, and this is only all spilling out bc I am tired as FUCK and I may delete it later. I’m literally such a mess I’m crying right now. But I want to stop hiding in a corner grumbling to myself.

I know there’s a tag that says ‘I want to be able to say ‘I don’t ship something’ w/out feeling like I have to justify myself’ and that’s exactly what I’m doing, trying to justify myself, but like, proving my point, I guess. I’m at a point w/ my anxiety and paranoia that I feel like I have to go on a whole rambling explanation of my depression and anxiety and coping mechanisms just to say ‘I disagree, I don’t ship this/enjoy it, I don’t understand why it’s so popular’ w/ something (which is also an example of my psychosis bc I am constantly terrified I’m making people angry).

So fine. I don’t enjoy Naki and Fuwa. I think I could have, if things had been written differently. Interesting concept, Nakayama’s a legend, Okada’s a great actor, Fuwa’s my other favourite character, Naki’s actually fourth on my character list bc I am quote fond of the bits of them we got to see, I named the car I use after them, mbjr were always more interesting to me than the heroes excepting Fuwa.

But as it ended up being written, I do not enjoy it at all, and it actually gives me a psychosomatic reaction (which is, admittedly, not uncommon for me w/ notps, I will admit). The fact is, Horobi and Fuwa were not just the exact kind of dynamic I am interested in, but they also got me through some rough shit, and are still getting me through it, and so yes, I am going to be very emotional that this relationship that was very important to me got completely dropped for this relationship that not only does not interest me at all but has things that make me very uncomfortable w/ it, and I am going to have a reaction to it, and I don’t care that it’s popular or that Toei is pushing it, I disagree, I do not think it’s strong enough to warrant all the hype and attention, and it makes me feel unwell, and I should not feel like I’m somehow offending the entire internet for disagreeing. There are people out there victim blaming Horobi for the Ark and Gai’s actions w/out worrying about this stuff, if they can do that, I can bloody say I don’t like a popular pairing and I think it was poorly written and poorly developed and should not have been wedged in instead of another relationship which to me was much more interesting and meaningful and powerful and I should not feel bad for liking different things and bloody go off.

There just was not enough to make me feel at all connected. Esp not for it to be equated w/ 02. Draft horse pack on a shetland pony. And I am tired enough that I refuse to feel bad for this at the moment. I’m tired of feeling bad about all the people I know I drove away and who don’t want to talk to me bc I happened to not like the popular thing or bc I was vocal about my feelings.

I’m sure I’ll feel hella guilty and delete this all later but fuck it right now I’m running on four hours of sleep for ten hours and I don’t care anymore.

#Firebird Personal #Mention of Suicidal Tendencies #which I do not have could never do that to my sister #Rant #Fuwa and Naki Negativity #I'm tired #will probably delete later #gods how many people jumped ship bc I was getting emotional about a tv show #I'm so tired #tired of being lonely #I'm working five days in a row and it's exhausting I'm burning out #I can barely focus enough to do other stuff #hardly sleep #fuck guys I feel like shit I'm sorry #I'm just… so tired and angry right now #and lonely

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