#also side tangent but I feel like I can tell when people have professional experience with writing

[meownotgood]

what does my writing feel like? sometimes I think it feels like when you stuff your face into a giant bouquet of flowers. other times. it's like reading a ransom note, where every letter is cut out from a magazine and there's like weird dirty blood prints on the page too

[ifuckingloveryoshu]

Bleh. Not really tagging I need to un-blorbify Ryoshu in my head but also, I want to be selfish and keep thinking self shipping thoughts. What a hassle. I already tell people that I write her or characterize her too nice. That is my bias, (not that I am writing anything at all even, its all just imaginary again) and what have you. The rest of this post is more about my thoughts on what I've read about the book Violence: A Writers Guide by Roy Miler, and vaugly rambling.

I have a pdf of the book, Violence: A Writers Guide. I still haven't set the time off to read it because I am infamous for managing time and acting on impulse. Anyways.

I feel when people do dislike Ryoshu or just see her as only sadistic murderer, they are here. I guess. Contrary to the name, I can understand why people not like Ryoshu. Honestly, as long as she continues to be written well, I will keep loving her even if her views don't align with mine. I'm prepared for if Ryoshu turns out to be the greatest artist of all the lands but ends up not the greatest mother. Hard to vocalize but you can dearly love your child so, so much, but activly be hurting them. I never want that to be forgotten because LOVE itself is a double edged sword. Never the end all be all. To open youself up to others and to live loved and loving means opening yourself up to getting hurt or hurting them. Someone else who has more life experience then I do, more experince with living, and one who is more sure of themselves could explain it better. I am not in the right place. Oh, but it is still varying from person to person, as lot of things dealing with humans tend to do.

Its too late to be typing so much but, from what section of this i've read are the levels of agression as followed: Nice, Manipulative, Assertive, Agressive, Assaultive, and Murderous. Nice are pacifist who don't use any agression. Manipulative takes advantage of nice people by passivly getting their way (maybe think blackmail or just good 'ol manipulation.) Assertive will set bounderies and use soft power to inforce those boundaries, Agressive will make threats of violence and yell out (think heavy verbal abuse.). Assultive will actually hit the aggressive person and feel justified about it. Murderous is just good ol murder.

Ryoshu is murderous but all the people on that bus have to be knocked down to the assultive level by default. They can't activly go around murder hoboing all the time. Outis is the only other sinner who I'd put in murderous because she can openly advocates like a professional. To quote the book, "A professional does not fight you, doesn’t even think about fighting you. He takes you out." And I think that fits Outis well if she weren't just stuck to Dante. Or I'm overestimating Outis' capabilities. Meursalt just doesn't apply to this scale at all. He is a special case that just does as hes told with little to no fuss. Hes not suggesting murder but he'll just do it if hes told. Even if hes not told, even before the bus, I still haven't read his book but come on. We kind of know the sun in the eyes thing.

Side Tangent: Hong Lu, Gregor and Yi Sang are in assertive. Hong Lu, im skeptical about because he is confusing. I have no idea what's going on in his brain, he has lived in an enviornment of high violence probably while being in a Nest which is strange. He just acts so care free, but there's something else there. We all know. Sinclair is just being forced gradually up there to assultive. Yi Sang has been persecuted but violence is not his first answer to things. Even if Gregor was in the Smoke War as a war veteran, his attitude does not strike me as assultive because he tries to talk things out, he was more of a PR boy, and what his bug arm does unvoulentarily is diffrent from what Gregor himself wants to do. Sinclair just keeps going from agrressive to assaultive, then to murderous with Kromer. He's developing and breaking out of his shell so he really isn't set.

I'm going to bed but

GMD: Not Limbus but uninvited guest in uhh Library Of Ruina

EBD: Virgilius and Don Quinnote scene. Virgillius just to any sinner. Maybe N Corp and Kromer and Sinclair to teach Sinclair a lesson. Uh. Erliking Heathcliff to Heathcliff roughly.

SSS: Anything sydicate related honestly.

Predatory Violence is just The City. It's just the way of the City, at least the areas outside the Nest.

There is a lot more intresting stuff in this book. Maybe when I decide to read more, ill just screw around I guess. uh. Thank for reading.

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

JNPR Berries Week 2020

Day 6: Alternate Universe

Okay guys i hate aus and i always avoid au days for ship weeks but i actually have so many Pyrrha Lives/Fall Maiden!Pyrrha AUs and i got carried away i wrote almost 2k in bullet points

@jnprberriesweek

After Fall of Beacon Pyrrha has two options: 1) enroll at Haven with JNPR and continue to chase her Huntress dreams while paparazzi continue to make most things she does public, indirectly informing Salem where she is at all times. 2) drop off the face off the Earth both to avoid Salem/Cinder and to continue the Fall Maiden's job

Pyrrha being Pyrrha (self-sacrificing) goes with option 2

JNR decides there’s no way they’re going to let (a freshly discharged) Pyrrha go running into unknown with no friends or backup

She’s worried about putting them in danger (even though that’s the Hunter job description) but Goodwitch reminds her that she’s only at half power so she should accept the extra protection, and friends since she’s about to leave her whole life behind to live as a nomad which makes making friendships difficult to create and maintain

(Pyrrha doesn’t mention that she’s pretty sure she sees all of them in the more romantic light)

JNR help Pyrrha change her whole appearance. Which is very important since she’s also famous

She looses her iconic armor and has to leave her weapons behind

JNR tries to convince her to cut her hair but she’s worried about not being pretty

Jaune unhelpfully reminds her that that’s probably a good thing considering they’re trying to make her as non-noticeable as possible (poor boy just meant she’s so pretty already she'll probably never be able to blend into the background of any crowd)

Ren is actually the one who has to go "Pyrrha you’re gorgeous shorter hair isn’t gonna change that at all"

Then Ren goes "look at Nora she has short hair and she’s stunning for all we know you’ll look even better with short hair"

Pyrrha and Nora are practically speechless because Ren thinks they’re beautiful

Pyrrha is like okay but I won’t let you cut it any shorter than here (gestures to mid-chest level). (JNR tries not to look at her boobs)

Nora then tries to get her to dye it. Pyrrha holds out

JNR end up in Vol 4 outfits

Pyrrha makes the difficult choice of deciding to fake her death. She makes sure her friends (she unfortunately is unable to contact Blake or Weiss) and family still know she’s alive (but they still grieve her as if she’s dead. They most likely will never see her again. The only ones likely are her parents) but to the world Pyrrha Nikos is dead, killed in the Beacon Massacre

JNPR sets off through Vale (Fall Maiden's territory)

Pyrrha has a hastily made vaguely similar weapons to her last set. She may be a professional but she’s a professional with her chosen weapons and semblance, not most other weapons

JNR sees how Pyrrha dies inside every time a little kid or random citizen tells her "did you know you look a lot like Pyrrha Nikos?"

Pyrrha is also now getting hit on without her celebrity pedestal to keep people at bay

The first few times its truly pathetic how Pyrrha responds

JNR doesn’t intervene because they remember how sad she was about no one asking her to the dance

What JNR thinks is they’re coming into rescue her only occasionally. The truth is Pyrrha is getting rescued every time by a different member and lots of times one of them will step in before anyone even approaches her

Most of the time she’s happy one of them intervened

Some times she’s mad that no one will let her handle this herself (no one has realized that yet)

A lot of the time she feels all warm and fuzzy because for a few moments she gets to pretend. She’s given a free pass to slow dance with Nora, or to lean into Ren when he puts a arm around her waist, or get away with kissing Jaune on the cheek

(JNR are also very happy when they get these excuses.)

Jaune typically intervenes because he’s a nice guy and watching Pyrrha flounder is horrible. Ren and Nora always intervene because they’re either being protective or jealous (Ren has perfected the evil eye. People will back off before they even finished crossing the room)

They almost always camp out but when they stay in town they usually share beds to save money

Originally they were doing girls in one bed boys in the other but Nora is the whole kicking, sprawling, blanket snatching package so they typically pull straws on who gets to share with her

Sometimes even her bed buddy will leave in the middle of the night and see if they can squeeze in with the other two

On the other hand Jaune drools, Ren sleeps like a vampire, and Pyrrha snores

With Pyrrha, Jaune, and Ren all pushing six feet whenever two of them pair up touching is unavoidable

Most of the time everyone but Nora (who can fall asleep instantly) stay up freaking out about being so close to their crush. Ren actually freaked so much the first time he moved to the floor and activated his semblance just so he could sleep

Pyrrha is a side sleeper so she always ends up tangling her legs with her bed buddy. She’s always embarrassed but tries to stay in that position as long as she can (its the only selfish thing she allows herself)

Winter however quickly forced JNPR to start sharing sleeping bags

They always zip both bags together but all decided spooning is the way to go after too many cold nights. They also bought a tent just big enough for the four of them in order to trap escaping body heat

Jaune is dying from so much close contact. Was it not bad enough he has to see all of his (recently discovered) crushes get changed twice every single day? Was accidentally seeing Nora's abs and walking into a door frame in Beacon not enough?

Nora and Pyrrha on the other hand are loving it (when its not absolutely freezing)

Ren has caught all three of them arguing over who gets to sleep with him that night several times. Apparently he’s the best big spoon

A pack mule joke turns into them actually looking into getting one

Originally they wanted a horse, but when they actually were looking they ran into the problem of 1) its too tall for Nora to pack the bags 2) horses are massive and JNPR quickly realize they're scared of them

So that leaves either a pony, donkey, hinny, small mule, or llama

They end up with a donkey and name her Betty. Nora wanted "Bessie" but Ren refused to give in on the basis that she’s a donkey and not a cow

They also take this opportunity to purchase more bulkier items that would make their life more comfortable that they were unable to carry by themselves before (tents, pots and pans, extra shoes, more jackets, books)

They're over a year in when Ren of all people gets high and talks about his feelings

He thinks he’s talking to Betty but really he’s been talking to a tree stump for the last hour

He got high by taste-testing the mushrooms he was cooking

The team came back from getting firewood and unpacking Betty to find him laying in the mud giggling at the sky with their questionable mushrooms burning on the fire. It was pretty clear what happened

JNP have been making sure he wont hurt himself but mainly they’re enjoying the show

"Psst Betty. Betty. You wanna hear a secret?" JNP lean in "I’ve managed to fall in love with my entire team. You can’t tell anyone though. I don’t think I’ll ever tell them either. Im not good with feelings, and that would probably make me a terrible boyfriend"

He then goes on about what he likes about each person. He goes off on a tangent about someone’s eyes for seven minutes. He talks about his favorite facial expressions everyone makes and the best parts of their personality. Nora's been red for awhile now, Jaune is leaning so far forward Pyrrha's worried he’s gonna catch on fire, and Pyrrha is actually tearing up

He says how he feels guilty whenever he cuts in on whoever is moving in on Pyrrha, that he feels guilty about being jealous but also about sending someone away when he knows Pyrrha wants that experience, and how he doesn’t realize he’s already moved in to stop the person until they’re walking away

That he feels like he could mess up everything he has with Nora, not by going into a relationship with her but by being unable to open up any more emotionally than he is now which he knows she'll expect (they’ve talked about being “together-together” before)

He laughingly mentions that one time Pyrrha said she wanted a guy taller than her because Ren gets it now because when he’s bunking with Jaune in the winter he’s found he really likes being held by someone taller than him

Ren then goes "oh no. No no no its bad enough I’m talking about my feelings out loud I’m not going to tell you who has the best ass. Aren’t donkey's also called asses? What’s it like being a donkey?" And everyone is laughing

Pyrrha is the first to break after they fall back into listening. She looks at the fire the whole time. She admits she feels the same way about all of them, that she also planned on never saying anything.

Then Jaune pipes in that he just figured it out for himself pretty recently. That at first he was worried it was either teenage hormones or that he was reacting to a vastly shrunk dating pool and therefore the feelings weren’t real. (Unlike Ren and Pyrrha his feelings didn’t begin romantic and then expand his started sexual until realized what he thought was strong platonic feelings might actually be romantic)

Nora is still red with her hands over her face but eventually she says that she’s been attracted to all of them since team JNPR formed and "since we all clearly feel the same way about each other can we stop with the super embarrassing love confessions and makeout already"

When Ren wakes up that morning he remembers very little since he doesn’t know what were dreams and what were hallucinations. He has a dehydration headache and rolls over but Pyrrha sees he’s awake and she comes sits next to him. Ren doesn’t uncurl until she started playing with his hair. "How much of last night do you remember?" "Mostly just colors." "Ummm okay. Remember anything anyone said?" "I think I had a conversation with Jaune about rocks." "That was to Nora actually. But you did think she was Jaune." "Mmhm." "So last night there was a development, but since you were high I wanna ask you again now that you're sober." "Okay." "So ummm, we're kinda all dating now? But if you wanna back out now that you're sober you totally can." "What do you mean by 'kinda all'?" "All four of us." "And you all want to date me?" "Yeah, you don’t remember all the love confessions that happened last night." "Oh. Did my rock conversation interrupt all that?" "No. You actually confessed first." "I WHAT."

[thebreakfastgenie]

I get on Josh/Donna shippers in the fandom a lot for writing fic set in the early seasons that’s too explicitly romantic. I mean mostly I complain about this in private to my friends, but I think I’m on the record saying they shouldn’t get together before season 4. But I do think the show got them together too late. In my view, there are two points where the story organically wanted them to get together and the writers averted it. I’m putting this under a cut because this Josh/Donna meta I’m writing in the year 2021 is unforgivably long.

The first one is in season 4, Inauguration. There’s definitely a shift in season 4, both before and after Inauguration, to showing their relationship as more explicitly romantic. There are moments in earlier seasons, like Joey Lucas telling Josh that Donna likes him, Josh joking about sabotaging Donna’s relationships, and Amy asking if they’re dating. But season 4 really treats Jack Reese as a romantic rival in a way their previous love interests weren’t. Josh goes around asking if he can pull of a military dress saber because he’s so jealous, and notably nobody really reacts to this, implying he’s been like this before, but as the audience we’re seeing this level of behavior for the first time. I think there’s also an extent to which Donna wanted him to react this way, considering the way she describes Jack’s dress uniform in detail. And we can’t forget that before all of this started Jack was willing to back off because he didn’t want to get in the middle of whatever he thought Josh and Donna had going on. 

Then there’s Holy Night, where even Leo asks if he was being insensitive, which really requires watching the scene where he actually tells Josh that Donna left because it’s completely innocuous. The only reason Leo would think he was insensitive is if he thinks Josh is sensitive about Donna. Which he is. Leo then follows this by saying “oh, get it together, would you?” and Josh responds “I’m trying” which I think is the first clue we get that Josh is starting to figure out how he feels about Donna. I will expand on this more later. 

Rather like with the dress uniform conversation later, there’s something going on from Donna’s side in Holy Night too. Donna is given the opportunity to slip out before Josh tells her he’s staying late to work, she’s even encouraged by coworkers, and she doesn’t do it. This could be because she’s dedicated to the job, which provides deniability, but it’s really not. She’s so genuine when she says getting drunk at the Hawk and Dove sounds fun. I think she’s waiting for Josh to say something. She wants him to say “yes, I wanted you to stay, I want to spend Christmas with you, I don’t want you to go to the Washington Inn with Jack because I want you to go with me.” But he doesn’t say any of that because he’s not there yet. We also notably don’t see Donna leave or even Leo telling her she can, so we don’t know how she really felt about it. My money is on happy but also slightly disappointed, but she can’t exactly tell Leo no I want to stay and wait for Josh to tell me he likes me, and even if she could at this point she wouldn’t. 

Then you have Inauguration and the snowball scene which is so explicitly romantic that I really don’t have anything to say about it. I will say that later on at the end you see a line of people walking through the ballroom and it’s the President, the First Lady, senior staff, and Will. This is because Janel Moloney is a regular, but it’s also very much set up like Donna is Josh’s date. He brings her to see Will named deputy when literally no one else is there except that little senior staff and first couple group. 

So the question is why, aside from the obvious Doylist reasons, don’t Josh and Donna get together after that? It’s a hard sell that they don’t, but there’s some room there because after the balls they have to go back to work, and I think it’s believable that with sending troops into Kundu and everything else that comes up with running the country in the following weeks, Josh and Donna don’t have the time or energy to address their relationship and just kind of slip back into the status quo. Still, it’s a little bit different, because they’re ready now, and I think that’s where you see continued development in the rest of the season, like Amy asking Donna if she’s in love with Josh. There’s a sense to which, after Inauguration, it’s more acknowledged, even if they still won’t say it. 

The second time they should have gotten together is after Gaza. I’m also on the record as not a big fan of the Gaza arc, although I’ve softened on some parts of it since realizing that Colin makes me really uncomfortable and that’s a big part of why I don’t like watching it. Before I can talk about Gaza, I need to rewind to season 2. 

I do think Donna knew she had feelings for Josh in season 1, whereas Josh had feelings for Donna very early on but didn’t realize it. But the beginning of season 2 is still a huge inflection point in their relationship. Donna is forced to confront exactly how much Josh means to her because she’s forced to face the possibility that he might die. This is explicit, with the positioning of the flashbacks. Donna has fourteen hours with absolutely nothing else to think about. Josh doesn’t go through this journey with her because he’s unconscious. This is one of the reasons the “I wouldn’t stop for red lights” line is so good and so true to them. I’m going to go on a tangent here because I don’t really want to make a separate meta post. 

The whole Point of Josh and Donna is the lines they cross for each other. That’s their whole deal. And no episode really encapsulates this better than 17 People. They’re dancing right on that line the entire episode. They’re really over the line of a professional, employer/employee relationship the entire time, but most of it can be (with some effort, perhaps) played off as a friend relationship. Josh saying “if you were in an accident, I wouldn’t stop for a beer” is right on that line. He’s saying he cares about her, but it’s also kind of the bare minimum, but he’s also being compared favorably to her old boyfriend at the time. That in and of itself is a perfectly good ship moment, especially for so early on. And then Donna just bulldozes right over that line by saying “if you were in an accident I wouldn’t stop for red lights.” But she does it very matter-of-factly. It’s just the truth. And the difference is, Josh is speaking hypothetically. Donna isn’t. The only reason she hasn’t done this before is that she was already at the hospital when she found out he had been injured (which by the way was like eight months ago). Donna is speaking from experience. 

So this is where we get to Gaza. Donna has been through this whole experience of almost losing him. When Donna is injured in Gaza it’s his turn to almost lose her, and he goes through more or less the same little journey. Gaza more than anything else is what equalizes them. And they absolutely know it. Neither one of them says it, but the body language and tone in the “I’m still here” scene serve as an acknowledgment. There’s just no way to go back after that. Obviously the writers tried to use Colin to complicate things, but really he’s not very successful at it. Donna still asks for Josh before surgery and his name is still the first thing she says when she wakes up. My personal opinion is that Josh and Donna falling out in season 6 happened because there was no other way to keep them apart after Germany. And I do think it would take a little while once they got back, Donna has to recover and Josh has a lot of guilt to process, but that’s still what should have done it. It was time. They were ready. 

And yes, you can argue that Josh is very stupid, but I think after the experiences they’ve had, at that point Donna would be willing to initiate the conversation, and if confronted he would confess his feelings for her. That’s speculation but I’m right. They’re like three-quarters of the way to being in a relationship anyway. 

I also have some Opinions about how they finally got together but that I will save for another post. This one is about how Josh/Donna are a great example of TV writers following conventional wisdom instead of letting the story and characters do what they organically needed to do. 

[threeletterslife]

For Everland

→ [2/7] of the Society Series

→ summary: Yoongi is supposed to be your patient. He's not supposed to threaten your so-called relationship with your lifetime partner, Jeon Jungkook. You're not supposed to love him—you shouldn't be able to.

→ pairing/rating: yoongi x reader | PG-15

→ genre: 97% angst, 3% fluff | dystopian!au 

→ warnings: profanity, making out, implied sex, infidelity (kind of?), blood, death, hyperventilation, depictions of a seizure (oc works at a hospital so), mentions of the afterlife, descriptions of getting shots/needles, a character has a missing leg (poor bby)

→ wordcount: 17.7k

→ a/n: this is loosely inspired by the great lois lowry’s the giver. i grew up reading that book omg 😭😭🥺and writing this fic was sO fun bc if i had to choose a dystopian society to live in for the rest of my life, it would HANDS DOWN be this one

cr.

It's over.

Thank goodness, it's over.

It's easily the worst part of the job. The transport room is painfully white and frighteningly silent. The only comfort you have is your ocean linen hand soap that sits loyally on the side of the sink. You pull off your latex gloves slowly, tossing them in the trash and turning on the warm water to wash your hands. The familiar, sea breeze scent punctures the room, soothing your jittery nerves. It seems to warmly congratulate you for orchestrating another successful transport.

Thank god. You won't have to do the procedure for another few weeks.

You make a bee-line toward the hospital closet, quickly shrugging off your spotless lab coat and pulling on your worn-out, fuzzy sweater. Already, you're feeling a bit better just being in your normal clothes. Professional attire makes you feel solemn and serious. You hate it.

But other than having to do the procedure in the transport room quite often, you enjoy your assigned career.

The procedure is only inevitable, you suppose, as you start to walk home from your career unit. Jungkook, your assigned partner, isn't waiting for you today, so he must be at home, making dinner. You begin to fast-walk before you accidentally break curfew a second time—the first time was embarrassing enough.

But to keep your mind busy and away from shutting down due to boredom, you reflect back on the day's work.

It's definitely not easy being a nurse, but you take the job with immense pride. Because without you, no one would be able to get to Everland. When you'd first received your career assignment, the Council had proudly told you that you were the very bridge between the society—Tagna—and Everland. They told you that you should take your assigned career with pride.

Everland. How do you even begin to explain that place? It's a paradise, they say. The Council tells every citizen of Tagna the general idea, but only you're gifted with the details. They told you that the skies are blue and the sun shines brightly but never too much. It is spring all year round in Everland. The land boasts serene nature and lakes that stretch across the grassy lawns. The homes are built from cedar wood and are sturdy against the whispering breezes at night.

Of course, you've never seen Everland for yourself. In fact, the Council makes it very clear that no one who has been to Everland has come back to Tagna. You suppose if you lived in paradise too, you wouldn't want to leave.

Some are transported to Everland earlier in their lives; you've worked with a handful of newborn babies, young children and even teenagers. Others are transported later, after thoroughly experiencing the structured and well-disciplined society of Tagna; there were more adults, grandmothers and grandfathers who you transported to Everland. But in the end, every person in Tagna—yourself included—would earn a chance to visit Everland themselves. It's just a matter of time... and luck.

As a nurse, it's up to you to take care of the patients. You're supposed to talk to them, keep them company, comfort them, be their closest friend—until it's time for them to be transported. The transportation is also part of your job, but the least favorite part for you.

Maybe you hate the procedure and going through with the transport because you get quite attached to your patients—you don't want them to leave. But maybe... and deeper inside you, you hate the procedure because you're jealous.

You can't deny that you want to experience this Everland. You've come close to the paradisiacal land more times than any other citizen of Tagna. But the Council seems to be intent on keeping you in society so you can serve those in need.

Goddamn. Every time you step into that small, white room, every time you put on your latex gloves, you wish it were you, sitting in the hospital bed, instead of your patient.

When your assistant rolls in the medical cart with supplies, you can't help but spend an extra few seconds gazing longingly at the clear serum in the syringe. The sharp, pointed needle glints in the white light, which brings a small, sad smile to your face. That's the serum that puts your patient to sleep—well, physically. Their minds are already flying through dimensions, zipping past other worlds to land in Everland. Their bodies will follow suit later.

It's unsettling though. You hate how the clear liquid disappears through the skin the more you press the pad of your finger on the plunger of the syringe. There is also an unspoken agreement with all the people in the room to stay absolutely silent. The silence is unsettling to you.

Very rarely, your patient has to be strapped into their seat. But it becomes quite obvious when you're tending your patient before the transport whether they'll need a strap. You assume the shot isn't too painful, judging from the majority of the reactions of your patients. But you're not really sure. And it's not your job to know. The Council is extremely strict about assigned careers.

Sometimes, it's unsettling to watch your patient fall asleep. Their eyes begin to flutter rapidly and their limbs become limp, their head lolling to the side. As a tradition, you have to walk towards your patient, your shoes clacking against the white floor. You hold their hand and speak your last goodbyes.

"Remember the lines we rehearsed? The ones we went over every day, honey?" you say every time.

There's always a mixed response from the patients. Sometimes they nod, sometimes they shake their heads. Other times, they don't even answer you—when the serum works too quickly and they're already halfway crossing dimensions in their minds. It usually doesn't matter. You recite the rehearsed line yourself.

"For us and for Everland."

On good days, your patient says the line with you; it's their very last words before they would leave Tagna forever and enter Everland. When their body goes slack and their eyes close, you have to double-check their pulse—for the transportation to Everland is not possible with a beating heart. The injected serum is merely a catalyst that will help your patient transport to Everland. And once the patient's mind is already at Everland, their body will follow, and they will wake up in paradise.

The unsettling feeling does not leave until some of your assistants enter the room to roll your patient's hospital bed away. You always give them a nod of acknowledgment but you never speak to them—just in case any loud noise might disrupt your patient's safe travels.

Every transport procedure drains you. But Jungkook's always waiting for you somewhere, waiting to replenish your energy and shower you with attention. He's always insisting that you take a rest, which, in his language, means to go on a lunch coffee date with him. But you're usually too busy to accept.

You manage to reach your house unit before curfew, opening your door and nearly collapsing on the living room couch.

"Sweetie?" you hear Jungkook calling you from the kitchen. It takes you a moment to realize he's cooking spaghetti, which makes you lift your head gratefully.

"Yeah?" you say.

"Are you tired?" he calls. "I made spaghetti, but I can wrap it up for you so you can have it for breakfast tomorrow if you want to sleep."

"No, no, it's fine," you say, heaving yourself up from the couch and stumbling into the kitchen. "I want to eat dinner with you."

Jungkook smiles brightly. Normally, you leave him to eat his meals by himself. "Did something good happen today?" he asks as he pulls out the chair for you and places two still-hot bowls of spaghetti on the table.

"Not really," you shrug, sitting down and grabbing your fork. "It was normal as work goes."

"How was the transport, then?"

"Routinely," you say, stuffing a forkful of spaghetti in your mouth. "Mm, this is good, Jungkook," you hum, swallowing. Jungkook beams at your compliment. "The patient was a grandmother, and she recited the lasting line with me, so that was good."

"For us and for Everland?"

"Yeah." You nod.

You like it when Jungkook discusses work with you. Because in your opinion, your career units are the only thing the two of you have in common. Which was the whole point of assigned partners, anyway—to match people up according to their career units. The Council says it makes couples more compatible. You're indifferent.

It's silent for the rest of dinner. Jungkook knows you don't like to come home to small talk after doing it for work all day. And you don't find it interesting when Jungkook starts to go off in tangents about the new baseball lineups the Council approved of. You do the dishes while Jungkook clears off the table and cleans the kitchen floor.

The chores are habitual, making you feel almost like a robot as you complete them every day. When the last dish is in the dishwater, you turn to Jungkook, who just came back from taking out the trash. "Jungkook?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"Listen, I've been meaning to ask you..." you trail off. Your partner smiles hopefully at you. "Where do you roll my patients off before their bodies are transported? I mean... I guess what I'm asking is, do you get to see Everland? Is there a portal or something that leads there?"

Jungkook sniffles, scrunching his eyebrows in thought. You can tell by the slight crease on his forehead that he's disappointed there's going to be another work-related conversation.

"We're just told to put them in a white sack. Maybe that's the portal you're talking about? I'm not sure where they go, sweetie," he says. "We just do these extra check-ups so we know they're in good condition to transport. Then we set them in another room. I guess someone else does the rest." He pauses. "But I don't think I was supposed to tell you all that. Y/N, you know the details of our assigned careers have to be kept confidential."

You sigh. "Yeah, I know... Still, though. What does it matter? We work in the same career unit. There should be no secrets!"

"I think the Council would have something to say to that," Jungkook says. "I just think you want to see what Everland is like because you've been asking me an awful lot of questions about work," he sulks. "We're partners, Y/N... Can we please act like it? Look at Hoseok next door with his partner. And Namjoon too. They always go on dates, and they're already thinking of signing up for kids from the clinic."

You flinch. Assigned partners, you want to remind Jungkook. But you don't. It's not that you hate Jungkook or despise his presence altogether. It's just that you don't love him. Not as much as he loves you, anyway.

But he's loyal and one of your only friends. And he's not too bad of a company.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," you say, reaching out to place a friendly hand on his. "I just... I've been selfish, I know."

Jungkook takes your hand in his, tugging you into his arms.

"I always feel guilty, you know?" you whisper against his chest. "I make Everland seem like this fairytale place. But I don't even know what it's like."

"It's best to trust what the Council says," Jungkook reassures you. "You're better off trusting them than anyone else, right?"

"You're right."

"It's okay," Jungkook whispers, kissing your forehead before letting you go. "Sooner or later, we'll be transported too. Sometimes in moments that we least expect it."

You hum, detecting the melancholy tinge to his silvery voice. "It's your brother, isn't it? How do you think he's faring in Everland?"

"Junghyun?" Jungkook sighs. "He's probably having the time of his life there... It was just so sudden. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him."

"They leave us in the most mysterious ways," you say. "Too bad we lose contact after their transport. I would've loved to see what it's like there."

"Yeah, me too," Jungkook says. "But I want us to leave for Everland together."

Unlikely, you think. "Me too," you say. "Come on, let's get to bed. I have to stay late tomorrow at work. They're giving me another patient on top of Jimin."

Jungkook groans, his hand searching for yours as the two of you make your way into the bedroom. When he finds your hand, he holds it tightly, almost as if he was afraid you'd fade out of sight at any second. "The Council's overworking you, sweetie."

"Or they just think I'm doing a great job," you say, squeezing his hand. "It's okay. I swear I don't mind. He's a good guy, you know, this Jimin. Deserves to be in Everland. He just needs some emotional boost as they all do. And as for the new patient... I don't know what to expect."

"Well, then," Jungkook says. "Tell this Jimin to say hi to my brother for me when he's there."

"Sure thing."

"Sweetie?"

"Hm?"

"Don't work too hard," Jungkook says. "You need some time to relax."

You giggle. "My career is my relaxation! It's fun to meet these people, to talk to them, you know? Granted, half of them don't understand me, but I dunno... I like the process way more than the procedure itself."

"Yeah, yeah," Jungkook laughs, shaking his head, his hand slipping out of yours. "We should wash up," he says, "before the suppressant makes me drop to the floor snoring."

You laugh along with him, tugging your assigned partner into the bathroom. The nighttime routine in there is as practiced as any other routine in your life. Soon, you and Jungkook are lying in bed, side by side. Just like always.

"Sweetie?" Jungkook murmurs, the suppressant taking a toll on him already. He seems to be barely awake.

"Yeah?"

"Try to get home much before curfew, okay?"

Jungkook had freaked out when the patrollers had found you crossing the streets after curfew. He'd been reminding you about getting home earlier for months now. But you never listen to him. Still: "Of course," you say. "I'm sorry for always making you worry."

When Jungkook doesn't answer, you realize he's already knocked out. You let out a deep sigh, turning over to face the small window in the bedroom. It's dark out tonight, with no moon to light up the bedroom even the slightest bit.

Sometimes, you wonder what it would be like if the suppressant worked on you normally as it did for everyone else.

Out of the thousands of citizens of Tagna, it had to be you to be the victim of immunity to the suppressant.

"Jimin! How are you?" you exclaim, closing the hospital room door behind you as you shake a bag of his favorite chips in your hand. "Look what I got you! I might've been late because of that." You laugh apologetically as Jimin giggles, immobilized on his bed.

"I'm fine, Y/N, thank you. No need to worry." But the man shifts uncomfortably, then lifts the bed covers off of the lower half of his body. "Can you help me up?" He nods towards his missing right leg, giving you a rather frustrated look.

"Yes, of course," you quickly say, taking big steps to help Jimin out of his bed and onto his wheelchair. Though the amputation had been successful—the infection didn't spread to the rest of the body—a missing leg left Jimin often irritated and frustrated. "Where do you want to go today?" you ask him, rubbing his shoulders to comfort him.

The man places a hand on top of yours, looking at you pleadingly. "Outside the hospital...?" he says hopefully.

"Aw, Jimin..." you say, crouching down in front of him to take his hands. "You know we can't do that." He knows, but he asks every day, just in case—as if one day, you'll be waiting for him with a different answer other than no.

"I know," Jimin says, squeezing your hands. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," you tell him. "Do you want your blanket, Jimin? You know, to cover—"

"Yes, please." Nodding, you help the man drape a white cotton blanket over his leg. "I want another look around the hospital before I'm transported."

"Sure!" You adjust Jimin's blanket, securing it so it falls over his missing leg. You and Jimin have a wordless agreement not to talk much about it, and you know how much he likes to have it covered up. Jimin's insecure, embarrassed about a missing limb. Especially when before the amputation, he had been a fit, robust figure, always running around and training. "We'll just roam around the hospital and talk."

Jimin smiles. "That sounds good to me. Let's bring the chips too."

You hand the snack to Jimin, carefully checking the room one last time before rolling the man out into the hospital corridor. It's silent as you wheel Jimin in the direction of the left-wing, where there are full-length windows replacing the usual bland white walls, allowing bright sunlight to flood the corridor. It's the only place that gives the otherwise spotlessly white hospital a golden glow. Jimin likes that spot the best; honestly, so do you.

Once you situate Jimin in front of the windows, making sure he isn't completely in the sun, you sit down next to him. (He doesn't like it when you tower over him.) Jimin looks comfortable in his wheelchair, clutching his now open bag of chips and staring out the window with deep admiration.

"Tell me about Everland, again," he whispers, gazing thoughtfully out of the windows. "Please, Y/N."

The sunlight bounces perfectly off the bridge of Jimin's sloped nose, giving his face of beautiful features a sort of rare radiance.

"Everland?" you hum. "What do you want to hear about it?"

"I don't know... If people like me are welcomed there, I guess," Jimin sighs. His gaze flickers to you. "No one I know and admire knows about my amputation—except you. They won't let me contact my friends or family... They're sending me to paradise early because I'm an embarrassment to Tagna."

"Don't be like that." Sure, you've noticed society's outcasts are usually the ones that are transported—the ones with physical or mental disabilities, or just those older in age. But, of course, that just means that everyone should be transported sooner or later. Or maybe these people are the only people that Everland accepts.

Jimin is going at it as if Everland only accepted those rejected from Tagna. You're not so keen on that idea. The Council works hard to protect every single citizen. That would be impossible.

The seated man inhales sharply. "How can I not be like this, Y/N? I feel so useless here, like this, in a fucking hospital of all places. The only way I can even moderately feel like I'm back in society is here, in front of these damned windows where I can actually see the sunlight. Otherwise, I'm stuck in these white-walled rooms with no one to talk to but you. Then I'm forced to run through these health checkups with doctors that never speak to me, even when I ask them questions! At this point, anything is better than this stupid hospital."

"Oh, Jimin..." you say, immediately taking his hand in yours. You can't bring yourself to tell him 'don't be like that,' again. Pure sorrow is held deep in his brown eyes when he looks at you; your heart aches. "Hey..." you whisper, softly squeezing his warm hand. "Remember that thing I always tell you?"

"What thing?" he huffs. You can tell he's a little bit irritated, and you struggle to keep a straight face.

Placing another comforting hand on his remaining knee, you say, "Remember? For us and—"

"For Everland," Jimin finishes for you. "Oh, that thing," he mumbles. "Of course I remember."

You nod, smiling when Jimin grips your hand tighter. "Have you ever stopped to think about what that meant?"

"No, not really, Y/N." Though he's still frowning, he doesn't look as forlorn anymore.

"Well," you say, "we, as a society, will always miss any patient after their successful transport. I remember everyone I've helped to cross the dimensions and go to Everland, so I'm sure your friends and family unit will always remember you as well. You'll be the man who was worthy of being transported into paradise. Think of it like you're doing it for Tagna, to represent our society in a new land. For us."

"And for Everland?"

"It's nice to say that out of respect, you know?" you smile. "I mean, you'll be staying there for the rest of your life, Jimin. Besides, no one ever said anything about you being an embarrassment, Jimin. You're nothing but a hero, a veteran."

The corners of Jimin's lips turn up just slightly as he looks out the windows once more. "For us and for Everland, huh?"

Though he can't see you, you nod. "Everland is the happiest place on what's left of planet earth," you say, causing Jimin's head to whip toward you. "Yeah," you say. "It's a place even better than our advanced society right here. Everyone is equal in Everland too, but you get many more benefits. The skies are this rich, azure blue and the clouds are so fluffy, they say they emulate the sweetest cotton candy. The people there are veterans like you. I can guarantee you that everyone is respected and well-understood. Every home unit has enormous windows that let the sunlight warm up the buildings. The food there is fresh, nurtured straight out of the soil and hand-picked by the dwellers. It's beautiful there because it's spring, all year long..." you trail off.

Jimin stares at you, lips parted and eyes glossy, no doubt daydreaming about this Utopian place just like you are. "Beautiful..." he mutters under his breath. It's like he wants to ingrain this wonderful scene he had painted of Everland in his head, to recite it to himself every so often before his transport.

You sit back, hand still intertwined in his as you let Jimin lose himself in his reverie. It's several minutes later when Jimin finally jolts from his seat, turning to you with an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry," he says. "I zoned out."

"No worries," you tell him. "We all do when we think of Everland."

Jimin hums, squeezing your hand, turning to you with the best of his ability (which was how well his chair would let him). "Do you have a partner, Y/N?"

The rather personal question makes you raise your eyebrows in shock, but you quickly make up for it with a small, stifled laugh. Normally, your patients like it when you tell them fantasy stories or when you listen to them talk about their whole life. They very rarely ask about you.

"Uh, yeah, Jimin," you say. "I have an assigned partner."

"What's he like? When were you assigned to him? Do you love him?"

When you raise another shocked eyebrow, Jimin squirms in his seat, releasing your hand. "Sorry... I-I wasn't trying to be... um, invasive. I'm just... I'm being transported before I get my partner. Having one was one of my dreams since I was little. You know, having my very own family unit to come home to after work..." he trails off. "Please, tell me everything about it."

How can you say no to that?

"Don't worry," you smile warmly. "You can ask all the questions you want—I can't guarantee a good answer, though."

"That's fine, Y/N."

"Well then, hmm..." you say. "Um, his name is Jungkook. I'll start with that. Tall, handsome, ungodly fit... Kind, too." You pause, searching for the look of approval on Jimin's face; he looks like he's in bliss, so you continue. "Sometimes, he acts like my assigned mother, you know, nagging at me to take care of myself and being concerned about everything I do... But, at the end of the day, he's my best friend. He tells me not to overwork myself and he tries to take me on dates when they're due. Then he always makes sure I'm back home before curfew. He knows how I let time fly past me at work," you laugh. "Jungkook's a beautiful soul. I'm really lucky to have been assigned to him. It's been about three years, and I can't say I have any complaints, really."

"Do you love him?"

The question catches you off guard. You look at Jimin, who looks so hopeful, so attached to your assigned relationship—as if it were as precious as his own. With that look on his face, you don't know what kind of monster you would have to be to tear that fantasy apart. Your assigned partner is the last relationship Jimin will hear of, the one that will be embedded in his memories when he is transported. It's your job to take care of Jimin. And it's your job to support him emotionally.

You know the answer to that question. You've known it for a while, and for the longest time, you always thought (or hoped) it would change. It never did.

You're not even completely sure what love is, at this point, though the Council had drilled the definition of it in you since you were a little girl. You're supposed to love your assigned partner, so in a way, you feel like you've failed them.

But you let out a shaky breath, catching Jimin's eyes as you beam. "Yes, I love him."

It's a lie.

Usually, you're given one patient to work with at a time; the Council knows to give you some well-deserved lax time. But never have you gotten two patients. Jimin's transport wasn't scheduled for another two weeks, yet they're taking you to meet a second patient today.

You're not that bothered by the news—not as bothered as Jungkook, anyway. You know he's always wanted to lounge around in bed, watching authorized movies and cooking homemade breakfast together. But you insist that you need to take your assigned career seriously.

He can't argue much after that.

You've said your goodbyes to Jimin earlier that day, had a quick snack and waited. And waited. and waited.

The first meeting with a new patient always makes you feel so jittery. You don't know this person at all—you're to never have any personal connections with them. So you always have to figure out their conditions yourself. It's always one of three things: mentally disabled, physically disabled or older in age. At first glance, it's always easy to tell which the patient is.

The patient is always nervous too, glancing at you anxiously, wondering if you would take good care of them as the Council had promised. There's some pressure to make the best impression. Your white lab coat tends to make your patients uneasy, so one day you 'lost' it in the laundry and never wore it again. A fuzzy sweater or a modest t-shirt with jeans usually does the trick.

You straighten out your t-shirt for the hundredth time, checking to see if it was tucked in your jeans correctly and fixing your hair too. Sometimes, you think you probably feel more nervous to meet your new patient than the patient. After all, you'll have to spend as much as time (or more) with this person as with your assigned partner.

When the door to the hospital room opens, you stand up immediately, ready to greet your patient and assistant, Taehyung, who always introduces you to your new patients. But you're greeted with something you're not quite ready for.

"Don't fucking touch me," a menacing voice snarls. The owner of this voice is a rather lean man with messy blonde hair. He practically slaps Taehyung for holding onto his elbow, and even the always-happy Taehyung looks miserable.

You quickly scan the patient with your eyes. Normally, your discernment is quick, but this time, it's hard. Immediately, you're able to rule out old age. If there was a physical disability, it wasn't obvious. You're leaning towards mental disability, though you also get a feeling that it's really not. You're stumped, but you try not to show it.

Besides, your patient already sounds really irritated.

"Hey, Taehyung," you say, offering your assistant a smile. "Who's our lovely patient?"

The patient dramatically rolls his eyes, aggressively pulling away from Taehyung's grip. "Min Yoongi."

"Yoongi!" you say with a happy smile, though you're very much aware that this Min Yoongi is anything but happy. "Come on into your new room! Nice to meet you. I'm Y/N. I'll be your nurse until your transport in several weeks. You turn to Taehyung, nodding. "Thank you."

"Yeah, no problem. Good luck," Taehyung says before hurrying away.

It's possible that Taehyung's busy and that's the reason behind his sprint away from you and the new patient, but something tells you that it's something else. And that 'good luck' sounded more like a warning than a cheerful goodbye.

Your eyes meet with Yoongi's. They're hard, black and cold. Almost like they can pierce through your soul.

"So, Yoongi," you say, "are you excited about going to Everland?"

It's the best way to start off the first conversation with any patient. They enjoy talking about Everland—and if they don't know much about it, they beg for you to tell. It works every time.

Except not today.

Yoongi scoffs, collapsing on his hospital bed as he turns to face you, cocking his head haughtily. "Why would I be excited?" He sounds like he's accusing you of spreading false lies.

But you don't back down. "Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe excited isn't the right word. I guess I meant you're looking forward to it?"

"No, I'm dreading it. Terrified. Fucking disgusted and filled to the brim with overflowing trepidation."

"W-What?"

"Whatever. Just leave, Y/N. Come back when it's time for me to be 'transported' or whatever the shit the Council calls this."

Never have you dealt with a rude patient. They're all usually very understanding and kind and most of all, respectful. You're taken aback, but you're not one to say no to a challenge.

"Yoongi, do you need someone to talk to?" you ask in your softest voice. "Hey, I'll listen to anything. Really. If you're that 'filled to the brim with overflowing trepidation,' then you can tell me. I'll listen."

"What makes you think I trust you?" It's another challenge, the way he utters it. Yoongi crosses his arms over his chest and raises a daring eyebrow at you.

You swallow your pride, keeping an unfazed, neutral look on your face. "Everything you tell me here, stays in here, Yoongi. You have my word."

"You could be lying through your teeth right now," Yoongi snorts. "Could you be any more artificial? You're giving me a headache, all right? If you're going to be so ersatz with your emotions, I reckon you leave."

Me? Give him a headache?? And not the other way around???

You've had enough.

"I don't think you want me to leave," you say slowly and firmly, crossing your arms and staying rooted to your spot.

"And why would you think that?" Yoongi cocks his head, his bangs falling over his eyes as he does so. He makes no effort to sweep it away. For some reason, that ticks you off even more.

"Loneliness," you say. "You'll get sick of being cramped up and alone in this white-walled room. The only artificial thing here would be the lights—and trust me when I say if you stay here alone, you can say goodbye to natural sunlight until your transport. If you claim that you don't find loneliness even in the tiniest bit of solitude, then I think I might have to ask you to leave for being... what was it again? Ersatz with your emotions."

You haven't left eye contact with the patient.

And you start to become jittery again when complete silence follows after your passive-aggressive speech.

Until: "Damn. Didn't think you had that in you."

"What?"

"I have to give you credit for that," Yoongi shrugs. "Maybe you won't be completely annoying after all. Maybe you'll be bearable."

You let out air through your nose. "Thanks?" You shake your head in disbelief as you sit next to him on his bed.

"You're welcome, I guess."

A small giggle escapes from your lips, then a louder laugh.

Yoongi looks at you as if you sprouted devil horns on your head.

"Sorry—" you manage to say in between giggles—"if the Council saw me being this mean, I'd have to say goodbye to my job."

"You call that being mean?" It's Yoongi who laughs this time. "You're going to have a hell of a time with me, then."

You leave your home unit early for the first time—without Jungkook having to shake you awake—to buy some snacks for your patients. (Though you know Jimin's favorite foods, you end up having to take a wild guess for Yoongi.)

Jimin had made you promise to meet you as early as your schedule allowed it. You don't mind. Hanging out with Jimin is relaxing, especially because he lets you blabber on and on about your personal life. Today, he wants to hear about your assigned career.

"The Council assigned me as a patroller, you know," Jimin says, leaning back proudly in his wheelchair. "I would've been a hell of a good one too... If it weren't for the infection." He sighs, staring at his foot with scrutiny. "It's okay," he shrugs. "What about your career?"

"Hm," you say, looking outside the window where the morning sunshine catches your eye. "Well..." you hum, voice soft and eyes glazed over. "I'm a nurse." Jimin waits for you to continue. "But I have to admit, I didn't really like my assigned career at first. Why be a nurse when you can be a doctor, a surgeon, perhaps?" You give Jimin a small smile. "As a little girl, I always wanted to be in that operating room, you know, operating and saving lives."

"That's honorable, Y/N." Jimin gives you an approving nod, placing his hand on yours to tell you to proceed.

"But I guess the Council thought I'd be a better nurse," you say. "And now, I think they're right. I mean, they always are. Besides, I wouldn't last two seconds in a cold, quiet operation room. I need to talk to people, you know? Take care of them, tell them stories, help them transport. I think I value the presence of people, along with their happiness." You shrug. "I dunno. I do dare say that I'm pretty good at making people happy."

Jimin laughs softly. "There's no other career that would've fit you better." He turns his body fully so that he's facing you. "Y/N, I really don't say this often, but I'm glad you're my nurse. Thank you." Jimin looks deeply into your eyes, something he only does when he's extremely serious. "Hey," he whispers, "I just want you to know that I'm not scared. Everland will be as wonderful as you've always told me. I trust you. And I know I'm in great hands."

He squeezes your interlocked hands for emphasis. "For us and for Everland, yeah?"

"Have you obtained a serious eye infection?"

"N-No," you stutter, wiping your red eyes with the back of your sweater. You quickly set down some snacks on Yoongi's bed and avert your eyes away from him. "I just..."

"Oh," Yoongi says, clapping his hands together. "You've been crying!" he accuses, pointing at your face with a smug smirk. He looks like he could care less, yet he asks, "What happened?"

"It's really nothing," you sniff, sitting down on Yoongi's bed. "They're not sad tears, necessarily."

To your surprise, Yoongi laughs. You look at him with disapproval. "I'm sorry!" he snorts between giggles, "but you wouldn't know 'sadness' if it socked you in the face!" Upon seeing your puzzled expression, he sighs. "Whatever."

Yoongi doesn't push the topic, which is very much like him. You don't mind. It's not like you want to explain crying in front of Jimin, your patient. Jimin has a strange way of making you feel special. And special's a word no one's allowed to be in Tagna—because specialness is the cause of discrimination. But you think specialness makes you feel valuable.

"So," Yoongi starts, tilting his head to look at your curiously, "why are you here?"

This time, you're the one to laugh. "I'm your nurse! I'm supposed to look after you before your transport. You know, talk to you, answer your questions, tell you about Everland."

"Doesn't sound very crucial to me."

Yoongi has a habit of being very, very candid. You tend to mistake his honesty for rudeness, but after a while, you've come to appreciate the truthfulness. He brings out a fun, slightly meaner side of you that nobody else but Yoongi would approve of. You hate to admit it, but you like it.

"Fine then," you say. "What do you suggest we do?"

"I don't know. What do you do with people you know? Not including those in your career unit."

"We..." you trail off, a frown settling on your face. "I don't know any people outside my career unit," you admit. "I mean, unless you count my assigned partner. But then again, I always talk about work with him too." You gasp. "I don't think I have actual friends!"

"Good," he says, which makes you look at him with incredulity. He laughs at your expression, a genuine laugh in which his eyes sparkle with mirth and his lips are tugged into a rather snarky smile. But it's a smile nevertheless. "It's fine, Y/N. 'Cause me too. We can be each other's friends."

"Really? But wouldn't you technically be a career-related friend?"

"But are we going to talk about career-related things?" He gives you a look. "I believe I told you I'm not the least bit interested in Everland. Nor do I care even the tiniest bit how to get there. I surely don't have any inquiries regarding the transport. I'm pretty sure you won't have to worry about being a nurse around me... Though I'll probably appreciate the snacks." Yoongi pauses to rip open a bag of gummy bears. He grins. "My favorite. How'd you guess?"

"I had a hunch." You smile proudly, taking a mental note to buy some more gummy bears for Yoongi in the future. "But wait a minute," you say. "You really want me to be your friend?"

"Definitely not a nurse," Yoongi says. "I can take care of myself, thank you. But you were right. I'd die of boredom if I'm alone. That's where you can step in as a friend." He winks, sorting out the green gummy bears from the other variegated colors and popping one in his mouth. He offers you a red gummy bear.

How'd he guess? You smile, shaking your head as you take his offer. My favorite.

Jimin and Yoongi are polar opposites. If one man is gentle, sensitive and kind, the other is brash, rather presumptuous and most of all, pedantic. It's obvious who is who.

But you're not one to pick favorites. A patient is a patient no matter who they are—at least you try to think so. Your end goal is to make sure you're there for them before they're transported to the all-so-magical Everland. Granted, one acts like your friend and the other, your patient.

Jimin likes to ask you a lot of questions, whether it's an inquiry about Everland or questions about your personal life. He's made you repeat the details of Everland so many times, you're sure he already has everything memorized. But he still asks.

On the other hand, Yoongi doesn't bother to ask questions at all. As a man of his word, he proved from early on that he had no interest whatsoever in Everland or assigned partners or assigned careers or assigned anything. You're starting to wonder if he has any interests at all. In fact, come to think of it, you're not even sure if he's ever left his hospital room.

"Oh, this place reeks," you tease, waving your hand in front of your nose. You toss Yoongi a bag of gummy bears and plop down on the bed next to him. "Do you ever leave the room?"

The man laughs, reaching for the snack. "I don't leave the bed."

You scrunch your nose. "Ew." Yoongi shoves four green gummy bears into his mouth, and you watch with a mixture of disgust and pity. "We need to get you out of here."

"Out of the hospital?" Yoongi asks with a mouthful of gummy bears.

"No, just out of this room," you say. "I mean, you might die from a kidney disease before being transported. Imagine that, the first man in decades to die in Tagna—in this day and age with advanced medicine and technology!"

Yoongi scoffs. "Whatever. Fine, let's get out of here. Not like there's anything better to do outside, though."

"We can get ice cream in the cafeteria," you offer. "And argue about the right way to cut up a sandwich again."

"You monster, you're supposed to cut it in triangles!"

"Yeah, says the one who puts the milk first, then the cereal!"

The bickering continues until you're seated in the hospital cafeteria. By that time, both of you are too tired to carry on with the arguing. So there's a bit of silence as you and Yoongi feast on your ice cream scooped onto large sugar cones. You went for plain vanilla, but Yoongi opted for the most sugary flavor: butterscotch dutch fudge nut with diced marshmallows and a caramel drizzle.

You swear he might get diabetes before his transport if he keeps this up. Maybe you should bring him some healthy snacks next time—kale, avocados, spinach. They're green, just like how he likes his gummy bears, so maybe he'll listen to you and finally have a salutary diet.

But instead of being able to convince Yoongi to start the habit of healthy eating, it all spirals down into another debate.

"It's CAR-amel," you insist.

"CARE-amel," Yoongi retorts, shaking his head. "We've been quarreling for the past hour, Y/N. Aren't you getting tired of it? I've never argued this much in my entire life!"

"But what if that's how this 'friend' thing works?" you say. "Actual friends care so much they disagree on every little detail."

"Then it's very tiring to have friends," Yoongi sighs, taking a depressing lick of the lump of sugar on a cone.

"I agree." A pause. "Did you ever have friends, though?"

Yoongi snorts. "Actually, contrary to popular belief, I did. But that was before I got myself into this mess."

"Mess??"

He shrugs the question off, countering it with another question of his own. "Did you have any friends?"

You tilt your head, but figure it's best to let Yoongi have some space. "Um, yeah. I guess I was pretty well-known in my year. Now I don't really have time for that. Work," you sigh. "But I still enjoy what I do."

"I know you do. You're a good friend, and though I wouldn't know, an amazing nurse," Yoongi grins, shrugging so nonchalantly that you almost miss the complimenting tone of his voice.

You grin back. It had taken you a bit to coax the sweetness out of his cold and collected demeanor, but once revealed, Yoongi could almost parallel Jimin's amenity. "What about you? Did you like what you did before you were chosen to be transported?"

Yoongi's smile disappears in the blink of an eye, a sour frown replacing it. "Not exactly." His stone-cold voice is a sign for you to change the topic, but he continues to speak. "I was good at my career. Liked it at first, too. But I'm a rare mistake, I suppose. Maybe I had some traits within me that the Council didn't catch, or maybe I changed as an adult. The Council deemed my career as a mismatch."

A mismatch... You always thought that was a myth—assigned careers never failed. The Council never made mistakes. You can't even fathom the amount of disappointment that Yoongi probably had felt when realizing his assigned career was a mismatch. "I'm so sorry," you say. "Do you mind if I ask what career unit you were in?"

Yoongi hesitates for so long, you start to think you've crossed the line. But then: "Unit 38. I was in unit 38." He clears his throat and watches carefully for your reaction.

Your eyes widen and your mouth opens, shuts, then opens again. "38?? That's my unit!" you say. "How come I've never seen you before?"

He crosses his legs, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "I suppose I was in the more secluded area of the hospital."

Though you want him to elaborate, Yoongi's uneasy fidgeting sets you off. You're here to make him feel safe, comfortable. As much as you're insanely curious now that Yoongi's avoiding the subject, you shrug. "Oh, that's interesting... Wanna talk about something else?"

When Yoongi shoots you a grateful look, you actually feel glad for changing the topic. It was the right thing to do. As to sate your curiosity...

I'll just ask Jungkook about him later.

"Hey, Jungkook?" you whisper, testing the waters, trying to tell if the suppressant already brought your assigned partner to a deep slumber. You turn around on the bed to face him, and you're glad when he turns around as well.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Do you know anyone of the name Min Yoongi?" you ask hopefully.

Jungkook crinkles his brows in thought. "Min Yoongi?" he mutters to himself. "Min Yoongi..." He gives you an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, the name doesn't ring a bell."

"It's fine," you sigh, lying fully on your back now and staring up at the dark ceiling. "I just think it's strange the Council would assign me a patient who worked in the same unit as me."

"Really?" Jungkook murmurs. "Unit 38? Why don't we know him?" he asks, tiredness laced into his tone. "Are you sure you heard him right, sweetie?"

"I'm sure," you say. "He did say he worked in the more secluded part of the hospital... And I thought we were in the most secluded area."

Jungkook laughs softly, moving to place his hand on top of yours. "Why don't you just ask him about the details?"

"I didn't want to push him into explaining something he's uncomfortable with," you say. "I'm sorry... I'm keeping you up with all of this, aren't I? You're tired. It's past curfew." You glance over at the digital clock you keep beside the bed. The red, glowing light flashes 2245 hours. It's pretty late.

"It's okay," Jungkook says. "You don't have to be sorry, Y/N," he laughs, but it comes out dry and forced. You can practically feel the worried look on his face. "You took the suppressant today, right?"

"Never gone a day without one," you reply. "You know they don't work on me as well as they work on others..."

"Sweetie, you should tell the Council. I don't want you to get in trouble for acting out of line," Jungkook sighs but it morphs into a wide yawn. "See?" he murmurs sleepily. "Mine works fine."

You stay silent, watching blankly as your assigned partner's eyes flutter shut. Soon, his breathing becomes even, his chest rising and falling steadily. He's asleep, just like that.

The suppressant does a number of things—or, at least, it's supposed to. The Council keeps the full effects of it private, and the only citizens who are aware of the details are the specialists who designed it. It's uniquely engineered to help the average citizen fall asleep an hour after curfew only to wake him up at 0700 hours every morning. Except on Sundays, it's 0800. Every citizen must take one suppressant—a small, white, tasteless pill—every day before he leaves his home unit at precisely 0845 to get to his career or school by 0900 hours.

Untimeliness is definitely not tolerated.

Which is a proven hassle for you. The suppressant doesn't affect you in the same way it does others. You're always waking up and sleeping later than others. Back when you were in school, you'd always be late for your classes. The Council generously took that into account before they assigned your career, though—but not before they scolded you for being tardy to the career ceremony.

Compared to other careers, nurses have a more lenient call time. It works out in your favor because if it weren't for Jungkook, you'd show up to work three hours late daily.

The clock flashes an angry 2300, but you're still not tired.

At least tomorrow is Sunday. Usually, it's the day off for every citizen in Tagna. Jungkook probably wants you to spend the day with him...

But it won't hurt to visit the hospital. Just for a few hours. To meet your new friend. Jungkook won't mind, right?

You smile to yourself. The thought makes you so excited, you aren't able to sleep until 0300.

It's routinely to visit Jimin before Yoongi.

Jimin is becoming increasingly nervous as the days of his departure to Everland are decreasing. He doesn't talk too often when you visit, but you know he finds your presence soothing.

But today, it's eerily silent.

"You okay?" you whisper.

He nods but offers you no words.

"You're worried, Jimin. Trust me, it'll calm your nerves to talk to me. What's got you anxious?"

He looks down at his foot, avoiding eye contact. You let him stall as he collects his thoughts. Then, in the smallest voice: "I... I don't like injections," he squeaks.

"Hey, hey, it doesn't hurt one bit," you say, wrapping a comforting arm around him. "I would know, Jimin. Trust me."

"I don't know," he sighs, fidgeting his hands. "The needle just—" he chokes over his words, shaking his head in shame. "The last time I got an injection, they took away my leg. I'm scared, Y/N. What if I get to Everland without my good leg too? What if they take away all of my limbs?"

Once in a while, you get a patient who's slightly nervous about the injection, but never have you dealt with something as serious as this. "Jimin... The transport isn't a surgery," you say softly. "It puts you to a peaceful sleep so you can be transported safely. It won't hurt one bit. And you definitely won't lose any limbs. You're in safe hands."

Jimin nods, but he looks fragile, back hunched and eyes shaking. It's hard for you to see him in this state. You wish you can do more for him—more than telling him tales of Everland and bringing him snacks and giving him intangible support.

You want to show him Everland.

But how can you? You don't even know where it is.

"You look like you ate dog shit."

You've been waiting for this moment the whole day—you missed the grouchy man and his candid words.

"Hello to you too," you say, wearily plopping down on Yoongi's bed as he shifts to make space.

"Where's your chipper smile today, Y/N?" Yoongi says. If you didn't know any better, you'd think he's worried about you. But he covers it up well with a: "Your frown is very hideous, by the way."

"Thank you."

"No, I mean, I meant to ask, what happened? You look completely miserable."

"It's confidential," you sigh. "You know, about my other patient..."

"What are the fucktards going to do about it when you tell me?" Yoongi snorts. At your appalled face he clarifies, "By fucktards, I mean the members of the Council."

"Yoongi!"

"It's not like they're going to find out," Yoongi shrugs. "Is this other patient giving you a hard time?"

"They could take away my job," you protest.

"Yeah, only if they find out."

"That's true..."

"So?" Yoongi says. "Are you going to elaborate?"

You pretend to think. "Okay, maybe..." You nod. "Yeah, okay. But I have nothing against Jimin, you know, the patient. He's an absolute sweetheart," you say. "Which is the whole problem. He has such big hopes for Everland. And I keep feeding him all of this paradisiacal information, but it's not enough! I want to help him, I want to tell him what Everland's really like, but how can I? How can I speak about something so highly when I've only lived through it vicariously? Oh god, I tell him things he wants to hear, but technically, I'm lying to his face." You pause for breath. "I'm a liar! But he listens to me! He trusts me! I can't bear the thought of him coming face to face with Everland and realizing it's nothing like what I told him it would be! He'd be broken!"

You can't lie, it feels good to let out everything that had stacked up over the past several days.

"Everland is wonderful. I don't want to doubt that. But what if it's not wonderful enough for Jimin? He's different from my other patients, you know? He needs so much more reassuring and love and care... Sometimes I don't think I can give him the best. Should I resign? I can't keep doing this to him. I'll practically die of guilt! Imagine that—in our day and time—a citizen passing away from something incurable! Bullshit!"

"It is bullshit," Yoongi agrees with you right away. "But I think it'll be fine, Y/N. You don't need to resign. And you definitely don't have to worry. You really don't have to." He stares at the floor with a frown etched deeply on his face. "It'll be fine."

"Really?"

The man nods slowly but surely. You can tell he's choosing his next words wisely, which is something he normally doesn't do. Yoongi is a man of rapid-fire and quick reactions. He's prone to blurt out whatever's on his mind. This is the first time you see him be so attuned to your emotions. Maybe he's trying to think of words that'll help you calm down.

"Everland will be unimaginably peaceful," he says, finally looking at you. His dark eyes show no flicker nor hint of playful teasing. He's serious. "Jimin will like it there."

Something about the way he says it makes you believe him.

Mondays are days when you always end up behind schedule. Your body likes to throw away its natural alarm clock out the window Sunday night, so you tend to accidentally sleep in the next day.

Jungkook usually tries to wake you up for work, but half of the time, you don't budge, so he leaves a kiss on your cheek and leaves for his job. The sequence is always vague in your memories.

Curse your immunity to the suppressant.

It's really no surprise when you show up to your job an hour late. You might've also made a little stop to the convenience store for some snacks. Of course, not for you, but for your patients.

Jimin's already waiting for you patiently on his bed. He thankfully doesn't ask any questions when you walk in a bit breathlessly, handing him a bag of his favorite chips.

You plop down on his bed, wiping away the beads of sweat that had accumulated on your forehead. "I'm so sorry, Jimin," you wheeze. "You must've been up for hours. I apologize for making you wait."

Jimin giggles, shaking his head. "What are you talking about, Y/N? I woke up a few minutes ago. Around 1005 hours? You're right on time!"

If he's lying to make you feel better, he's doing a good job at it.

"I don't get a daily suppressant anymore," Jimin confesses. "I'm awake when everyone's asleep and sometimes, I'm asleep when everyone is awake. Sometimes I can't sleep." He sighs, fingers wrapping around the chip bag. "That never used to happen when I took the suppressant."

He sounds lonely. As if the whole world was excluding him from vibrant, festive affairs.

You're supposed to be his solace, but you can't help but say, "Why don't they give you the suppressant?"

"I've asked," Jimin says. "But of course they don't answer. Just some grunts and mumbles that I can barely comprehend."

"That's not very nice of them," you say. "How about this? I promise I'll visit you more often if you're lonely. And to make you feel better, how about I talk about Everland again?"

Jimin nods hopefully, his eyes lighting. You want the best for him, but sometimes, there's not much you can offer him—except your words.

Yoongi is different. He doesn't want your buttered up, sugar-coated words. He doesn't live behind the curtain of fantasy. He lives in reality. Maybe even a bit more than you do.

"The suppressant tends to mess up the injection. Makes the process longer," Yoongi says casually. He rips open the bag of gummy bears. "Which is exactly why they're not given to patients. Why do you ask?"

"No, it's just..." How does he know that? "Jimin wants to take it again."

"Why would he?" Yoongi scoffs. "I always hated waking up early. Now I can sleep through the whole day and night."

"He's lonely."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. He was well-known before he was moved to the hospital. He misses the social life, I think."

Yoongi doesn't answer for a long time after that. When you finally look over at him, you find him staring into his hands with a conflicted look on his face.

"You okay?" you ask, reaching out and putting a hand on his by habit.

The contact makes Yoongi flinch, but he nods. "I'm always okay, Y/N. Why bothering asking?" He grins. His hand feels warm under yours and you make a move to hold it. But he jerks away. "Anyways, you should be going now, right? Time to get my beauty sleep, you know."

You're shocked, leaving his room feeling utterly rejected.

He'd never even told you goodbye.

If the Council finds out you're pulling a disobedient stunt like this, they might just shove you in the jailhouse for eternity. Then you'll be stripped from your career, home unit and assigned partner.

All your life, though, you've been known as the obedient one. If the Council told you to end your service as a nurse by jumping off a bridge, you'd do it.

But sometimes, you suppose you need to take drastic measures.

Your heart thumps loudly in your chest and your palms feel irritatingly clammy in your jacket pocket where a ziplock bag stays stowed away from sight. Every step towards the hospital fills you with dread—it's another step you've survived without having a Council member catch you in the act.

Maybe this is a bad idea. What if they can check your vitals? That would give away the fact that you had neglected to take your suppressant this morning. The white pill sits snugly in the ziplock bag in your jacket pocket.

The plan is simple. You will walk into the hospital like nothing is wrong. You will walk straight into Jimin's room and hand him the suppressant. He will take the pill. It can't be that hard.

Both of you had developed this plan over the course of a week. It would've taken less time to execute it too if you hadn't chickened out three days in a row.

It mostly terrified you that once started, this little illicit project would last until Jimin's transport. It freaked you out even more that the whole thing was a secret between you and Jimin.

You can't credit this idea to yourself, but it wasn't exactly Jimin's either. Both of you had hinted at it, and in the end, it had been officially addressed. So, you can't blame anyone if it fails drastically.

The suppressant has been around for decades. No one in Tagna has lived without taking them for a very, very long time. The Council likes to hint that before the suppressant entered the human body system, humans were fickle, sexual and undeserving beings. You don't think you'll revert back to that, per se.

But you're wary of the possible side effects.

You always told yourself you'd never show favoritism among your patients. But here you are. Sacrificing your suppressant for Jimin. In your defense, he's something else. Someone that will forever be ingrained in your memories. He's the only person who deserves more than what Everland has to offer. Because Everland surely doesn't restore back missing limbs. And that's what Jimin deserves.

Come to think of it, there's a crazy synergy between you and your patients for some reason. Even Yoongi... He understands you in a way no one else has before. Talking to him feels natural, effortlessly easy and fun, too. Maybe it's because he had worked in your career unit—as the Council says, compatibility rates skyrockets amongst those in the same career unit. Or maybe, just maybe, he should've been your assigned partner. Maybe you're a mismatch with Jungkook.

And judging by the way you feel around your assigned partner, you think it might be true. Doesn't easy communication and having fun around someone mean you love them? Isn't that what love is? Isn't that what defines a deep attraction?

But then again, the last time you'd tried to hold Yoongi's hand—which hadn't been a romantic gesture at all—he had tugged away. Ever since that incident, you've been refraining yourself from lightly touching his shoulder or reassuringly holding his hand. Yet if Yoongi had felt awkward from that encounter, he didn't show it.

Now it's been five days since you've stopped taking your suppressant. Ever since the third day, you haven't felt guilty about it anymore. It almost feels natural not to take the pill at this point.

Jimin's been noticeably happier these days as a result. He has two days before his transport, but he's showing no symptoms of intense nervousness. The suppressant seems to be doing wonders for his condition.

That finally puts you at peace.

And regarding the little warning that Yoongi had given you? The one about how taking the suppressant would make Jimin's transport take longer? Jimin didn't mind.

He told you he'd rather be happy, that he didn't mind the wait. It was all it took for you to authorize the plan.

And now look where things are. It's going great.

This is peculiar.

You have no idea when it started, or how it started, or why it started, but you've been noticing the smallest details about Yoongi. The way he eats, the manner in which he talks, the slightly sarcastic tone to his voice when he argues with you... You may not have noticed them before, but you see them now. And it's endearing.

He's endearing.

Every time he smiles at you, your heart beats a little faster and you feel the heat rushing through your face. You can't quite say it's a good feeling per se, but you know it's special. When his hair falls over his eyes, you always have the urge to reach out and fix it for him. You can't even get him out of your head.

You've never experienced anything like this before. You can't exactly say you hate it, but you're not sure if you like it either.

"Hey, Yoongs?" you whisper. Yoongi glances up from reading his latest book you provided him. It's a cheesy romance story and Yoongi openly made a ten-minute rant on why he hates romance, but you just think he's in denial that a little romance is actually really addicting.

"Hm?" he hums.

You're silent, admiring his face before the words tumble out of your mouth. "Did you ever have an assigned partner?"

Yoongi raises his eyebrows. "Oh?" He smirks. "Why are you interested?"

You flush bright pink. "Why can't I just ask a question without having to deal with a deflected inquiry?"

"Because I like being difficult."

"Clearly."

"But to answer your rather invasive question, yes, I had an assigned partner," Yoongi says. "But it was a mismatch. Lovely."

You gape at him. "The Council mismatched your partner and career??"

"Technically, they mismatched my home unit too," Yoongi scoffs. "They failed me, you know. Don't trust those fucktards."

"Maybe you changed drastically during your transition to adulthood?" you reason. "The Council just doesn't make mistakes!"

Yoongi laughs out loud. "Oh, they make a lot of mistakes. Trust me."

Trust me. It's a lot coming from someone you've known for less than a month. You grew up with the Council supporting you, watching you grow, nurturing you and treating you like you were their own daughter. You can't just throw away your trust in the Council because someone you're fond of says so.

"Mistakes? What other errors could there possibly be?" you say doubtfully.

"They should've made their system foolproof," Yoongi laughs. "They should've put a chip in everyone's arm to check their vitals. Now there's no way of finding out who's not taking their suppressant."

You freeze.

Did he know??

"You mean there's barely a difference in action between those who take the suppressant and those who don't?" you ask.

"No, there are a few differences," Yoongi shrugs. "Only a suppressant developer would know, though. Say, Y/N," he smiles, shutting his book and showing you the cover. "Do you know what love is?"

"Love?" you say, raising your eyebrows. "What do you mean? Of course I know."

"You mean you trust the definition of love that the Council gave you."

"Yes? Why wouldn't I? Love. Noun or verb. A deep attraction. Or to feel a romantic connection with someone." The definition slips off your lips easily after years and years of repeating in your head and out loud.

"And," Yoongi drags on, "how do you know you feel a deep attraction to or a romantic connection with someone?"

"If you communicate naturally together? And uh, have fun together?" you say, but it sounds more like a question than a sure statement. You sigh, "Maybe I don't know what love is."

It feels horrible admitting it out loud.

"Maybe because I don't know what it is, I can't seem to love my assigned partner," you say. "That makes sense, right?"

Yoongi laughs. "Love isn't something anyone can control. That includes the Council." He laughs again, casually tossing his book across the room. You gasp when it lands in the trash can. "Every single fucking 'romance' book here is fake—ersatz, if you will."

"What the hell do you mean?" you say, frowning as you try to stand up to retrieve the book.

But Yoongi grabs your arm and you freeze once more. You turn your face the other way as your cheeks start to feel warm.

"Love is something you find for yourself," he says. "Arranged partnerships, forced partnerships, assigned partnerships—whatever the books say—it's not supposed to work. You're supposed to feel something when you're in love. You're supposed to feel bothered. And sometimes, you'll feel a little too warm for your liking. Your stomach will feel weird. Kinda like there are butterflies flying about inside it. You're supposed to care for the person you love, be their friend, their listener. Sometimes, you'll feel like you want to touch them—sexual attraction. You love them so much, you want to know every inch of them—physically and mentally..." Yoongi trails off. "Of course, the suppressant suppresses all of those feelings."

"Oh." It's the only thing you can manage to mutter. How can you say anything else when Yoongi just described almost everything you felt about him?

It explains so much too.

Why so suddenly you'd been feeling so heated around Yoongi. It's most likely you loved him before you stopped taking the suppressant. But it was only revealed after.

"Oh?" Yoongi says.

"I-I don't know," you say, flustered. "All my life... All my life I thought I was supposed to love my assigned partner. But I don't now... And I... I think I love someone else."

Yoongi smiles, cocking his head so that a bit of his bangs fall over his eyes. "Are you sure?"

You mirror his smile. "Yeah," you murmur, taking a deep breath before using all of your willpower to lean in and sweep Yoongi's bangs off to the side. "I'm sure."

"Good," Yoongi says. "So, do tell. Why have you stopped taking the suppressant?"

He's extremely close to you. So much so, when he speaks, you can feel the warmth of his breath on your cheeks. You barely have the capacity to be surprised.

"I... um, I thought I was immune to it," you answer back in a hushed whisper. "So I didn't think it would change anything if I uh, stopped taking it," you lie. "But it was suppressing me and I didn't even know it."

"Still, you feel it now, right?" Yoongi says. "The butterflies in your stomach?"

Butterflies. What a weird way to describe the fluttering sensation rising up your middle to your chest. But you like it.

"Right now?" you say, raising an eyebrow.

Yoongi grins. "I don't know why, but we're attracted to each other, Y/N. Love has a strange way of connecting the people most far away."

"Wait, Yoongi—"

"Blushed cheeks, shy glances, playful touching... Y/N, I think I found out you love me before you did," Yoongi laughs, lying back on the bed triumphantly. "And then when I thought about it, I supposed you weren't too bad. That's when you started to plague my mind—in kind of a good way, too. It wasn't long until I realized I loved you back." Yoongi glances your way. "Am I going too fast? Do you need time to understand?"

"Um, yes!" you say. "Are you proposing that we love each other? But in an unconventional way? A way that the Council doesn't approve of?"

"The Council isn't the law, you know."

"You're right. They're higher than the law."

Yoongi snorts. "They tell you they are," he says. "I like to think that they're control freaks. It'll be fine. I get to escape to Everland or whatever the shit they call 'paradise' anyway."

"I don't even know what to say!"

"Yeah, me neither."

"What am I supposed to do? Believe you? Challenge the Council questions? Start taking the suppressant again?"

"Do whatever you want," Yoongi smiles. "That's how I ended up getting chosen to go to Everland."

"What do you mean?"

Yoongi suddenly leans in, making your breath hitch and the butterflies in your stomach spread their wings in rapid succession. A rippling motion undertakes your inner stomach. Instinctively, you reach out to the man in front of you, softly wrapping your hand around his wrist. He smiles, tugging you close—so close that your noses are almost touching.

"You'll find out if you want," Yoongi whispers. You can feel his warm breath on your lips. The sensation is new, foreign, but the intimacy pulls you in.

His lips finally meet yours in a quick, fleeting kiss so soft that if your whole face wasn't burning, you would've convinced yourself it hadn't happened. Yoongi leans away, looking confident in himself as he glances at you through the bangs that had fallen over his eyes again.

Your heart beats dangerously fast in your chest when your eyes meet his, goosebumps dotting your skin and your lips feeling unusually tingly.

"Do you believe me now?" Yoongi asks.

It's a hard question disguised with easy words. You find yourself struggling to answer, cheeks tinging pink as you look down at your feet.

Of course you want to believe Yoongi. But you can't throw away your belief in the Council and that was that.

Yoongi senses your hesitation and breaks the silence. "Hey."

"Yeah?"

"How about this," he says. "Why don't you go back home to that mismatched assigned partner of yours and see for yourself?"

You hum. Maybe that is a good idea.

You suppose you'll have to see for yourself.

"Jungkook?" you whisper.

"Yes?" he answers in a similar, quiet tone. He grabs your hand from under the bed covers, drawing soft circles on the back of your hand with his thumb. "What do you want to ask this time?" There's a small, teasing lilt to his voice that almost makes you feel bad for planning on dropping such a difficult question on him. But you persist.

"Why do you love me?"

Jungkook momentarily pauses. "We're partners! Of course I love you!"

"No, no," you sigh, shaking your head. "But why. If we weren't assigned partners, would you still love me?"

There's a sudden shift in the covers as Jungkook turns to his side to face you. Judging by the frown etched on his face, he isn't a big fan of your question.

"The Council picked us to be partners, sweetie," he says. "I love you because we have easy communication and we have fun together."

"Is that all love is to you?"

"Do you want me to go ahead and define it, sweetie?" Jungkook asks. "I'm getting worried, Y/N. Why the sudden questions about love?"

"I-I'm sorry..." you say. "But just... don't you feel something? Love makes you feel something."

"Feel?" Jungkook shakes his head. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you constantly think of me throughout your day? Don't you feel the butterflies in your stomach? Don't you start blushing if I ever say something nice to you? Don't you want to touch me?"

Jungkook's frown deepens. "Why would I have butterflies in my stomach?" he says. "I don't think that would be healthy at all, sweetie. And I'm already touching you, see?" He holds up your intertwined hands.

He doesn't understand.

"Never mind..." you sigh, pulling your hand away from his. "I'll stop bothering you."

"No, explain, sweetie," Jungkook says. "You're not bothering me. I promise."

He will never understand. Not like Yoongi does, anyway. You stay silent, wishing that the suppressant will put Jungkook to sleep. It's better for people like him to stay ignorant.

But just as you thought the long silence indicated that Jungkook was asleep:

"Well, do you love me?" He sounds hopeful, but also so sure you're going to give him the answer he wants.

The question catches you off guard. You desperately want to say yes—to preserve a partnership and prevent Jungkook from pain and sorrow. But maybe it's better for you to tell him the truth. You can't continue what you have with Yoongi when you have an assigned partner. It pains you to say but—

"I don't love you."

"W-What?"

"We're a mismatch, Jungkook. Let's go to the Council tomorrow and file a split."

This is possibly the worst day to proceed with the procedure.

Things have been hectic with the Council pulling you out of your home unit to separate you and Jungkook. Things have been awkward. Jungkook probably doesn't want to speak to you ever again. He's convinced that you broke his heart.

You're convinced that he never truly loved you to begin with.

Yoongi helps you explore a new kind of relationship. The one that sets fire to your insides and seals it with searing kisses. The one that's pretty distracting for your other daily activities.

Jimin sits patiently on the hospital bed with a blanket draped over his missing leg. "I'm excited, Y/N," he says. "Just think! In a few hours, I'll be there! In Everland..."

You nod, silently pulling on your latex gloves.

"I'm so happy, Y/N," Jimin says. "I've never been this happy in my whole life."

"You'll be happier in Everland," you reply, smiling. "You deserve it, Jimin."

"It's all thanks to you," he says. He suddenly sits up, looking at you solemnly. "But I'll miss you, you know that?"

"Oh, Jimin... I'll miss you too."

"Thank you," he says. "Really. For everything."

He's talking about the little suppressant plan. "No, thank you," you say. Jimin was the catalyst to you finally coming to your feelings, after all. "I wish you a safe transport."

When your assistant rolls in the familiar cart with your needed supplies, you can hear Jimin take a deep breath. He must've seen the syringe.

"It won't hurt," you promise, walking over to the cart and holding the syringe carefully. The needle glints in the air.

Jimin gulps. "F-For us and for Everland, right?"

"Right. Now, lie down, please," you say in your most soothing voice. "This is going to put you to sleep. Your mind will start to travel between dimensions to eventually reach Everland. If you want, you can close your eyes too."

You lean in to whisper in his ear, "The process might take longer... as you may know, but the delay won't be hours long, I hope."

Jimin nods. His eyes flutter close and you can tell he's trying to relax his body.

"That's it," you say. "Relax..."

You let Jimin take a few deep breaths. Then you hold out his arm. "Clench your fist for me, please."

Jimin does as you say. Once you can spot a vein on the upper forearm, you tell Jimin the needle will go in. He nods and does not respond, squeezing his eyes shut. Thankfully, his body stays relaxed as you begin to slowly push down on the plunger. You're almost done when Jimin starts to whimper.

He must be scared.

"Just a few more seconds, Jimin," you say. "You'll be fine..."

But his whimpering doesn't cease even after the needle is out of him. You wipe away excess blood with an alcohol swab quickly, pressing a clean cotton ball on his skin and using medical tape to secure it.

Jimin's still squeezing his eyes shut and you notice sweat accumulating on his forehead.

"Jimin?" you say. "It's over, Jimin. Are you okay?"

"I-It h-hurts," he whimpers. "P-Please, make it stop."

"Hurts?" you say. It's not supposed to hurt. No one ever said it hurt after. You don't want to panic; not when your patient is close to a panic attack.

"Please, Y/N," Jimin groans. His body starts to shake and his eyes open in the process. "I-It's hard to b-breathe—"

Your darkest nightmare unfolds before your eyes.

"He's hyperventilating!" you yell, no doubt frightening your assistants. "Jimin, do you hear me? Purse your lips, take a deep breath through your nose and let it out slowly through your lips, okay?? Do you hear me? Jimin??"

Jimin's leg jerks, nearly kicking you. His whole body begins to twitch; you watch in horror as foam starts to gather in his mouth. "Fuck, he's having a seizure! Get me a cushion!"

"Jimin, hang on!"

You turn his head to the side, guarding the edges of the hospital bed so he doesn't fall off. When your assistant hands you a cushion, you carefully place it under his head. "Oh, Jimin..."

All sorts of bad thoughts fly past you. What if he can't get to Everland because he took the suppressant? What if he will never find happiness again? What will happen when the Council finds out? Will they declare my career as a mismatch too?

Right now, all you can do is wait the seizure out. If he's unconscious afterward, it'll be one of two things: he's somehow transporting himself to Everland or he's in need of urgent care.

It's all your fault, it seems. If you hadn't agreed to such a fickle plan, you would never be in this state of agony. A minute flies by and Jimin falls asleep, limp and sweaty. His face is red and there's a puddle of spit with a mixture of vomit by his lips. You have to look away.

I'm so sorry, Jimin.

A new batch of assistants burst through the door and they start to roll the hospital bed away.

"Wait, where is he going?"

They don't answer you. Apparently, they're not your assistants.

"Is he going to Everland??" you try again.

They're silent.

"Is Jimin okay?"

One of them turns around to look at you. Her eyes are cold but she forges a small smile on her thin lips. "He is okay. The transport was successful. The Council has permitted you to go home early."

There is a relief that floods through you. But it feels cold.

You didn't even get to say your proper goodbyes to Jimin. And now he's off to Everland, but only after leaving Tagna feeling intense pain and undergoing great suffering. The last memory you have of him is him unconscious, legless and distressed.

I don't want to go home.

There is no one waiting for you there, now. So you walk solemnly down the unsettlingly white hospital hallway and knock on the door of a familiar room.

"Come in," says an all too familiar voice.

You already feel comforted.

You tell Yoongi everything that happened in Jimin's procedure. His hyperventilating, his seizure and then his successful transport. Yoongi listens quietly to your story but you can tell his mind is someplace else.

When you finish talking, he continues to stare at you, offering no comments or reactions to Jimin's hectic transport. He looks a lot like he's thinking with his brows slightly furrowed and his lips parted.

"Yoongi?"

"Hm?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"Do you want me to be brutally honest?" he asks. You nod, though you're a bit wary of his candid thoughts. "Don't get mad," he warns you. "But I pity you."

You frown. "Pity me?"

"Yes. You, your job, your... life."

"Just because I had a mismatched assigned partner doesn't signal the end of the world," you say. "You don't have to pity me, Yoongi."

"Jimin's gone, Y/N," he replies without skipping a beat. "I do pity you. Jungkook's gone because you never loved him. And I'll be gone too. What are you going to do?"

"This is my job," you say. "I guess we can't all have perfect assigned partners and careers and home units and everything. Besides, Jimin's in a great place now. And you will be too. I'm just helping you get there."

Yoongi's silent. He stares at his hands then he stares back up at you. Then, he sighs.

"Do you want to know why I'm here?"

You frown. "What do you mean?"

"You've been wondering, right? Why I'm not physically nor mentally disabled. Why I'm not an elderly man, either. I'm a strange case, aren't I? You weren't supposed to get another patient for a while longer, but you ended up having to take care of me and Jimin. Don't you want to know why?"

"I mean, of course I do. It's just very sudden that you're—"

"I'm a criminal."

Your heart drops in your chest.

"You're a what?"

"A criminal."

"W-What...? Why aren't you in a jailhouse? A-Are you sure you're a criminal? Why would they allow you to go to Everland?"

Yoongi nods, laughing bitterly. "It's all a part of the Council's masterplan."

"What the hell are you saying?"

"The Council likes order. They like normal. They can't accept people who are different. They can't possibly house the citizens who would disobey their orders," Yoongi says. "So they ship the different ones off to Everland."

"Because Everland accepts and loves everyone for who they are!"

"No, so they won't be a disgrace to Tagna," Yoongi snorts. "My brother had Aspergers," he continues. "But they didn't find out until way later. He liked the routinely ways of the Council and tried to conform. But he was still different. Social interactions were hard for him—so hard that the Council found out that he's different. The next thing you know, he's shipped off to the hospital so they could 'treat' him and I never saw him again."

"They took him to Everland," you say.

"I know they did. I didn't find out until later," Yoongi says. "Because I invented the drug."

"What??"

"The syringe you use for every patient, right? I invented the serum inside it."

"H-How?"

"What do you mean, how?" Yoongi says. "It made it easier for the Council. Less chaos."

It makes sense. When you were training to be a nurse, everything had been a pilot-run because the transport system had been revamped.

"I didn't think they would use the drug that way..." Yoongi says. "I thought they'd use it on the criminals in the jailhouse..."

"Why would they give that to the criminals in the jailhouse??"

"You and I, Y/N..." Yoongi trails off. He looks into your eyes, almost as if he was pleading you to believe him. "We're murderers."

You stand up from his bed. "What did you say?"

When Yoongi stands up and takes a step towards you, you step backward, nearly stumbling over doing so. "Listen to me very carefully, Y/N," he pleads. "That drug... it stops your vitals."

"No! It puts you to sleep! Then your mind starts to travel across dimensions!"

"Don't you understand?" Yoongi says. He grabs your arm. "Everland is death."

You fall to the floor.

"They burn the bodies in the basement of the hospital," he continues. "You thought Tagna was such an advanced society there was no such thing as death?" He laughs scornfully. "Y/N, the Council believes Tagna is so advanced, it's permitted to kill their own citizens to preserve equality and likeness. And when the neighboring societies attack, they'll release the gas-version of the drug and kill everyone—even the citizens of Tagna if they have to."

"That can't be true..." you whisper. "Yoongi, I can't do this." You bury your face in your hands. "Neighboring societies? A cemetery under the hospital? I've been living under a rock."

"The only society we know the name of is Atna. They're curating a selection of their best and most intelligent citizens to destroy us," Yoongi says. "That's all I know. I helped design the gas serum that would make them drop dead like flies. Until I threatened to quit and release the gas in the Council's chambers."

"You quit because you knew they killed your brother."

"Exactly that," Yoongi says. "See, it isn't so hard to understand. And now I'm here, a threat to society, apparently. After everything I've done for them, too. Even fixed up the suppressant by request..." He pauses, watching you tremble on the floor. He kneels down next to you, patting your back. "Hey... do you believe me?"

"I killed him..." you breathe shakily. "I killed Jimin... And I made it worse by letting him take the suppressant... A-And it reacted badly with the serum... I killed seventy-eight people... Oh, fuck! And I have to kill you!" A broken sob leaves your lips as your huddle into a ball. "You're right, Yoongi. I'm a murderer..."

"You were forced to do it. And you didn't know," Yoongi soothes. "The Council are a bunch of vile fucktards, Y/N. They're the real murderers. Not us."

"What am I going to do?" you sob. "I can't continue on, Yoongi. I want to resign."

"If you resign, they'll kill you too."

"Maybe death... maybe Everland will be better than this," you whisper. "What's the point anymore, Yoongi? When I'm old, they're gonna kill me too."

"Let them. There's no use fighting it. Either way, you'll end up dead. Like me."

"I can help the other citizens of Tagna," you say, wiping away your tears and gritting your teeth. "I can free them from the Council's restraints. Maybe we can leave Tagna altogether and see if there are other societies to live in. You can tell me where they keep the gas! That could be really helpful."

"No, Y/N," Yoongi firmly says. "Let the others live in bliss."

"What?? Why?"

"I don't want to be a hero. Think about how complicated things will be if you were to go against the Council," Yoongi says. "It's not worth it because you'll lose."

"So you're going to let me kill you?"

"Everland is better than Tagna, don't you agree?"

There he goes again, answering your question with another one of his.

"You've accepted your fate."

"I have. You should accept yours too."

"I have no fate," you scoff. "I'm someone the Council chose to become a licensed murderer."

"Your service helps those poor people escape their suffering."

"Yeah, without their permission."

"You shouldn't have declared your assigned partner as a mismatch to the Council," Yoongi sighs. He rubs his forehead in a conflicted way and gives you a sideways look. "I'm leaving in five days, you know. I don't want you to be alone. Mismatched or not, he was your friend."

"Five days..." You run your fingers through your hair. "That's such little time."

"We'll spend it together."

"How?" you challenge. "How would I? I'm not supposed to feel love, Yoongi. They'll notice something suspicious if I'm always here with you."

"They'll think you're being a good nurse," he answers. "Come on, Y/N," he says, taking your hands in his. "As your patient, I demand you stay over with me tonight. The other days... you can do whatever you want. I just... I want your company today."

After everything you learned now, you need Yoongi's presence too.

So you nod, crawling into bed with him. He tells you light-hearted stories of fictional societies that might exist in the barren world until you fall asleep.

You confess.

This morning, when you woke up, you swiftly got out of the hospital bed, swept away Yoongi's bangs from his face and gave him a silent goodbye (you didn't want to wake him) before walking out of the hospital. You go straight to the Council. And you admit you haven't been taking the suppressant. You admit that Jungkook isn't a mismatch as you had thought he was—you were without your suppressant and you weren't thinking straight. You tell them that you deserve whatever consequence they will bestow upon you. That you're sorry (though you aren't). And you regret messing up Jimin's procedure (which is the truth).

They are generous to you. Only because they love you like their daughter. Only because you have such a highly held job.

The Council doubles your suppressant intake and declares your curfew will be stricter. But they will move you back to your original home unit and reassign you to Jungkook. They lie to you. They say he loves you very much. You lie right back to them. You say you love him too.

Then, you bargain with them. You ask if your current patient may have an extension date until their transport, explaining that it's hard for you to convince him that Everland is a paradise. You tell them that he repeatedly tells you that he is afraid of Everland. It's a lie. But the Council will make something of it because they don't know you know the truth. In the end, you manage to convince them to authorize a three-day extension.

Now you have a week left with Yoongi. Less time than you'd like, especially with your stricter curfew. But it's more than what you had before.

Your next step is to apologize to Jungkook, hoping he doesn't take your declaration that you were a mismatch too personally. He is nothing but a victim to you, at this point, you realize. You would never know if he truly loves you or not—only ditching the suppressant altogether would tell. And it's not his fault that you don't love him back.

But the Council must've told Jungkook that you weren't in your right mind when you filed a split with him because he welcomes you back with open arms.

"I missed you," he whispers, tugging you into a tight hug.

"Me too," you say, hugging him tighter. It isn't a lie either. "I'm sorry," you say. "I'm really, really sorry, Jungkook." That's the truth.

"The Council told me what happened. I'm sorry about Jimin's transport, sweetie," he says. "Please don't make me worry again, though." He pulls you back and looks at your face, studying your features with what reflects on his eyes as admiration and care. "Please take your suppressants."

"I will," you tell him.

"They're making me monitor you," Jungkook says. "But just promise me, that you'll take the suppressant."

"I promise."

It's a lie.

Every day, you leave your home unit for work just like any other day in your life. But every day, you pretend to take your two suppressants in front of Jungkook, but when he isn't looking, you crush them, dissolve what's left of them in water and flush the solution down the toilet. And then you spend the rest of the day—up until your curfew—with Yoongi.

The two of you try to pretend everything is normal. When, of course, everything is not. But it helps to imagine everything is all right.

"What if Everland exists?" you whisper, poking at Yoongi's chest as he reads his mystery novel. "And when you die, you actually go to Everland?"

"I'll find out in a couple days for you," Yoongi says, setting down his book and quirking a teasing eyebrow at you.

So much for ignoring his impending death.

"I'm more worried about you after I leave," he says. "Don't you ever wish I never told you about what Everland really was?"

You hum thoughtfully. "I don't know. Haven't thought about it much... I guess I'm a bit peeved you forced all this information on me," you tease. "But I think I like knowing the truth, overall."

"Well, that's a relief," Yoongi grins. "Don't wanna piss off the person who's dealing with my transport."

You shouldn't have, but you laugh. "We're really getting into the dark humor, aren't we?"

"We are," Yoongi agrees. "And we'll continue while it lasts."

"How long do you think it'll be until I meet you in Everland—if it exists?"

"Maybe like what, fifteen? Twenty years later? You're still young, Y/N," Yoongi tells you, poking at your cheeks. "You still have baby fat, love."

"I-I do not!" You flush a brilliant shade of red. Something about Yoongi calling you love... You wish you could cherish this feeling forever. Lock it up somewhere and go back to relive it over and over again.

"It's okay. I like the way you look," he says proudly. "Even if you were ugly—which you aren't—I would still love you. Because—" he pauses dramatically—"love makes you see past physicalities."

"Clearly," you joke, gesturing at Yoongi's face and subsequently earning a playful shove from him.

"Do you think we're doing the right thing, though?" Yoongi suddenly asks. "What if we just... run away?" He hums, grabbing your hand and tugging you to his chest, earning a little yelp from you.

"Run away?" you say in a hushed whisper. "That's preposterous!"

Yoongi laughs. "I know, I'm just joking. Imagine if we ran away only to find a post-apocalyptic world outside of Tagna. What if one of us dies? Then what about the other? Or what if we meet the crazy Atnatians? I was totally joking. To run away would be akin to a death wish. Only more drawn out and torturous."

"Yeah, I figured," you huff, turning your body towards Yoongi to frown at him disapprovingly.

He just snorts. "You didn't sound like you had it figured."

"You are very, very difficult."

"I know," he says. "But sometimes, you are too."

"Hey! You—"

You're cut off when Yoongi pulls you in by the waist for a kiss. It's one of those searing ones, where your whole body tingles at the feeling of his warm lips moving against yours. Your hands helplessly splay against his chest as his free hand caresses your cheek. When he carefully flips you over, your legs sandwiched between his thighs, he pulls away from your lips, a bit breathless and winded. And the moment his softened eyes meet yours, you realize this is more than what it seems—the road to passionate lovemaking. In reality, it is a desperate goodbye.

Before tears can well in your eyes, you tug Yoongi in by gripping the collar of his shirt, crashing your lips on his. You want to forget, but everything becomes a reminder that he will leave you in two days. The way he grips at your thighs, the way he spares extra time to memorize every inch, explore every crevice of your body—it's all painful to digest that this might be the last time... Everything he does to you might be the last. You hate it.

But you have to live in the moment.

There's something about Yoongi's movements tonight that reveals his true feelings. You can feel how much he loves you tonight—not from the butterflies in your stomach, but from Yoongi, himself. It's like he's cherishing the moment, so it can last well in your memories.

The Council likes to preach that equality is what drives society to succeed. Everyone must be equal, dress equally, live equally, even die equally (though that's disguised as a simple transport to Everland)—all to ensure that everyone is satisfied with the justness of the system. You disagree. It is unfair.

You feel wronged. Stripped away from the greatness of the life you could've had. But there is a small part of you that is grateful. If things hadn't turned out the way they had, maybe you would've never felt love. Maybe you would've been stuck in your career unit, working as a slave to the Council as they brain-washed you without knowing the truth. You wouldn't have met Yoongi.

In comparison to the truths you've unveiled and the pure bliss you've felt with Yoongi, it's a small price to pay. In the end, you'll have to transport Yoongi to Everland. And then you will go back on with living your life as a citizen of Tagna. Jungkook will do everything in his power to make you fall in love with him. Maybe you will; maybe you won't. The far future is hazy and thinking of it hurts your head.

You'll figure something out, though. You always do.

Finally, you've accepted your fate.

The procedure room is unbearably cold.

Your hands shake as you pull on your latex gloves, and you have to take deep breaths to steady yourself, to convince your assistants that this is like any other normal transport. Except it's not.

"Why are you more nervous than I am?" Yoongi laughs, sitting up on his elbows on the all too familiar hospital bed.

You turn around and shoot him an ungrateful look. "Stop it," you hiss. "I'm trying to concentrate."

"Yes, nurse," he says sarcastically, saluting to you.

You bite your lip so you won't break out in a grin in front of the assistants. Shaking slightly, you turn to the medical cart where the syringe lies, the needle gleaming at you dangerously. You've touched seventy-eight shots, but you can't seem to grab this one, no matter how hard you try.

Finally, you let out a big sigh. "Can all of you leave, please?" you say. "Sorry, not feeling well today."

Thankfully, your assistants are obedient. There's shuffling as they move out of the room, and soon, it's only you and Yoongi left.

"Alone at last," he says, smiling.

"Not so happy you invented that horrible serum, now are you?" you say, frowning.

Yoongi shrugs. "Depends on the wielder of the serum. In this case, I'm satisfied."

With a huff, you snatch up the syringe and hold it out in front of you. "So this is it, then?"

"I suppose it is, love."

Your heart sinks. "I don't know if I can do this, Yoongi."

"Sure you can," he urges you. He grabs your wrist, pulling you close under the upper half of your thighs hits the edge of the medical bed. "Find the vein, insert the needle and you'll be done."

"It's not as easy as it sounds," you say. You stare at the man, a frown etched on your forehead. "I'm going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too," Yoongi replies. "Come here," he says, pulling you in to plant a sweet kiss on your lips. Something tells you it will be the last one.

"Okay. Okay," you whisper to yourself. "Lemme just find the vein and—" you nearly choke on the heavy feeling at the back of your throat. "I-I just have to insert the needle... press the plunger... Fuck," you curse.

"You can do it. I'll be here, watching you," Yoongi says, giving you a shit-eating grin.

"Thanks. That helps."

"Aren't you going to ask me for my last words, love?"

"No," you say, taking a deep breath and inserting the needle into Yoongi's upper forearm. He doesn't even flinch.

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because," you say in your trembling voice as you begin to press on the plunger, slowly and carefully. "Because," you repeat, "I don't want you to say the lasting line. It's bullshit."

"I had another line in mind."

"Really?" you say. When the plunger doesn't move further, you close your eyes in shock, even disbelief. You fumble to stop the blood from seeping out, quickly cleaning the mess with an alcohol swab and taping a cotton ball to the small wound. There is care laced in your actions, and your fingers linger on his arm.

"Yeah," Yoongi answers, his voice softening. His eyes begin to droop as the serum begins to work on his body. "I love you, Y/N."

"Oh, Yoongs..." you let out a choked sob, grabbing his hand. "Please don't—"

"I'm not done yet," he manages to breathe. He tries to look into your eyes, attempting to grin at you, but his lips don't move at his will. "F-For you and for me..." he trails off. "Because..." he takes a short pause to swallow, "E-Everland is bullshit a-and 'us' should only c-consist of... of y-you and... me."

"Yoongi..." you whisper, squeezing his hand. "I love you too. For you and for me... Yoongi?"

And when there is no sarcastic response, you know he is gone.

Except he's not traveling through dimensions to get to Everland. He's dead. And you don't know what happens when you die.

You can't bear to look at him. So you let go of his hand, turning your back to his body. On cue, your assistants flood into the room. You duck your head to wipe your tears and let them roll his unconscious body out of the room. When you get a short glimpse of his face, you find that there's a faint smile on his lips. You exhale a breath you didn't know you were holding.

As long as he was happy...

And with the way he was cracking jokes just seconds before his death proved a lot. If Yoongi is—was—okay with it, then so are you.

You bid him a final goodbye in your head.

Something switches inside you. A boiling, bubbling feeling. You can’t quite describe it, but it’s intense, making your body tingle from head to toe.

With vehement steps, you walk out of the hospital and straight into the Council. Standing before the Council members, you smile at them angelically.

"Good afternoon, Y/N," they chorus.

"Good afternoon, Council," you say.

"What are you here for today?" one of them inquires.

You look at him, "With all due respect, sir, I just want to have a little wish granted."

"A wish?" another member says incredulously.

"Yoongi. Formerly held a career in unit 38. Deceased. Don't burn his body in the basement under the hospital. Bury him, please. Properly. Give him a coffin and a tombstone and everything. He's done a lot to advance Tagna hasn't he? It's the least you can do."

And before any of the Council members can react, you march away, down the streets and into your home unit.

Confronting the Council and demanding justice from them felt refreshing. Your suggestion might actually be taken, or you might be taken to the jailhouse. You're not sure which. But whatever it is, it won't matter. All you can do now is wait until your time of death comes.

"Y/N? Sweetie?"

Jungkook.

"How was the transport?" your assigned partner says, rushing to greet you with a hopeful smile on his face. "The Council told me they gave him an extension for his transport date because he was so nervous. Did it go well?"

You smile. "Yeah... It was... good. Peaceful. Eye-opening, too."

"That's great!" Jungkook exclaims. "Did he say the lasting line?"

I love you, Y/N. For you and for me. Because Everland is bullshit and 'us' should only consist of you and me.

The saddest... but most content part of your life in just three sentences. Tears begin to well up in your eyes, but a small smile stretches across your lips from the memory. "No, he didn't say it."

"O-Oh," Jungkook says. He awkwardly stares at you in blatant confusion, wondering why you are crying profusely while smiling. He wonders if starting to take the suppressant again messed with your sanity. Jungkook's brows furrow as he begins to worry again. "Y/N..."

"No," you say, shaking your head adamantly. "He said something better than that."

Something true. Not some bullshit line like for us and for Everland.

It feels good to admit to something so genuine. Your grin grows wider.

Yoongi would be proud of you for not being so... so, ersatz. And he's up there somewhere—maybe in your head—nagging at you, teasing you. You'll count down the days until you'll be able to follow him there.

But for now, it's for you and for me, Yoongi.

—masterpost

—masterlist

[beizhuo]

alright folks , i made this post last night about amending my carrd rules . & now , after calming somewhat down from getting sick to my stomach about it , i must now make one final update post about this to make people really & fully understand where i stand . why ? because i am , once again , having / needing to finely comb through the people i want to follow & interact with due to some very , VERY toxic behavior & terrible , childish individuals that think its real cute to stalk , harrass , steal , & gatekeep folks . 

understand that i will NOT be namedropping anybody in this post . this is not my intention . i am not out here to isolate folks or make people ‘ chose sides ’ . making people do that is absolutely horrible ! i do not give a damn who other people interact with . i do , however have extreme issues with theft ( amongst other things ) . i can draw a god damn line at theft ! 

harassment ? don’t care . you’re trolling , i can ignore you . gatekeeping . you’e petty and attention seeking im here for friends anyway . but actual literal theft - i can draw a line there . please get out & OFF MY BLOG if you are so unoriginal that you haveta steal from me or my friends !

please know that you can interact with those thieves & gatekeepers , i don’t care ! but understand that i will most likely softblock you because i genuinely do not want them to find me . no hard feelings . ( they have found my other 2 blogs , and i am tired of them finding me ! especially for baizhu ! i don’t even follow some of my friends here cause of this ! ) i am not even in the genshin community to begin with . my group ? we don’t do communities for toxic behavior and people being so exclusive to the point of driving people out & away . its distasteful and mean ! do you know that i have some friends that were cut off from communities entirely all because they were a dupe ? tHAT is the kind of dupe drama i fucking hate . along with theft . anyway . i will start from the beginning of my rules that i deem important .

DUPLICATES . ( AND MIMICRY / THEFT )

the irony that this is the first point . it is like it was a wonderful transition . anyway . this is actually having to deal with two rule points . and i want to group them together cause they are related .

myself & a few other people have come to find out that .... there is somebody AT THE VERY LEAST taking inspo from us . i will start with dupes .

my friend has a character and was WHOLLY mistaken for another mun . which is fine . that happens , but things took a turn for the worse when they were then shunned / cut off because they werent ‘ good enough ’ . do you know how HORRIBLE that is ? to be told that you aren’t good because you weren’t the mun that they wanted ? this is the type of shit i cannot stand with dupe drama . DO NOT EVER COMPARE DUPES WITH ONE ANOTHER !!! i mean it . 

i follow different childes ! and you know what i adore them both . they are both amazing ! 

sure i may have my mains / exclusives ( and im not inclined to interact with other blogs of that same character ) but i still like portrayals . i do , in fact , just READ threads sometimes . i don’t necessarily follow for interactions . like ffs man . i like variety . jesus christ .

going to mimicry / theft . you know ... i have fucking seen this with a couple of friends . there is a difference between coincidental similarities , however ! for myself & for my friends , we have SEEN inspo taken from us . im gonna say this really loud for people .

MIMICRY IS NOT FUCKING FLATTERY . 

do not take inspo from me . especially without credit . absolutely do NOT do it . you are very unoriginal for doing that shit . 

now , you like something i make / made ? you are inspired to want to make something ? fine , that’s okay , you can ALSO fucking ask me , you can also credit me . as you fucking should ! you can notify me and go , damn , i really like your style , do you mind if i use it in xyz ? sure , go right ahead . do it . im begging you , go ahead and do it IF YOU FUCKING ASK ME . god im so fucking angry about this , but this is some vile shit . and im angry .

i am angry and terrified cause i literally cannot get away from these people cause they seem to be wherever i go . i DO NOT DO COMMUNITIES BECAUSE OF THIS .

as a good friend said : it’s like they are a virus that you cannot get rid of .

thats what happens with attention seekers unfortunately , but for the sake of my safety & health , i will not have it on my blog or dash . if i see these people on my dash often , i will unfollow .

and it isn’t like a specific person , its a GROUP of people . which leads me to my next point .

DRAMA / CALLOUTS.

imagine having beef with an individual , and then going around and gatekeeping that individual and getting people to unfollow / block them . im not talking about , ‘ hey this person is vile because they ship incest ’ . i am talking about ‘ i had a disagreement with this person & they hurt my feelings >:/ they are mean and will hurt you . etc etc etc . ’ 

i do not give a flying fuck about somebodies issues with another person . so you guys don’t get along . not my problem . i have people that hate me . i have friends where i hate their friends . shit happens . i am probably absolute scum to some people lol . i get mistaken for other people sometimes . it’s fine , hate me cause you think im that person . that person is snowflake repellent anyway , go choke on your kool aide that you are drinking ig . 

okay sorry i am angry but still . people claim and cry about wanting to talk & communicate . but then . guess what . sometimes shitty people are like , so this person said this to me , and they are mean . IF YOU ARE THE PERSON THAT GOES ‘ OH MY GOD HOW DARE THEY ’ AND BLOCK THEM THEN YOU ARE THE PROBLEM . i will give an example . of using my two names that i have .

somebody goes to amphy and says ‘omg ghost said this , and im frustrated and angry with them cause what he said was uncalled for . ’ if amphy goes ‘ omg ghost is shitty ’ and then unfollows / blocks them without any other discussion , then thats an issue cause ghost has no idea wtf happen . amphy got involved in YOUR relationship with ghost even though ghost has been nothing but kind and sweet to you . you also don’t know if amphy is just victimising or being emotional either . so why they fuck would you believe somebody who is venting to you about it and then block somebody who did literally NOTHING to you .

i dont know if i explained that correctly but i will give you something more realistic , again without namedropping .

i have a few friends that hate one another . i’ve known all of them for years . but they all , i kid you not , they ALL fucking hate each other . there’s three of them . and they cannot stand each other . i just happen to be somebody who gets along with all of them . you bet your ass that at one point , they all came to talk mad shit about the others . what did i do ? i went , oh okay . well im sorry that you have issues with them . sounds like a bad experience , but i can’t do anything about that cause i am not you and i am not them . if you are gonna change my mind , it isn’t gonna happen , sorry !

i have had people shit talk people i have no idea who they are , and i just sit here just being a source for them to vent , but i never NEVER EVER act on anything i hear . why ? cause its petty drama and gossip . if you do that , then damn , sorry kiddo , get some help on that alright ? maybe be nicer . i dunno .

now . racism ? pedophilia ? incest ? HARMFUL SHIT ? that’s different . but again , theres a lot of miscommunication . i have people coming and pulling the cards like they are hot shit  and that isn’t fucking cute . THAT ISN’T CUTE GUYS . you are the problem if you try to victimize yourself cause of something YOU misinterpreted .

i have a friend that has this on their blog .

i am literally going off on a god damn tangent . anyway . :) 

fuck you if drink kool aide .

THERE ARE OTHER MENTAL DISORDERS! YOU ARE ABLEIST IS YOU ERASE THE OTHER (UN)COMMON ONES.

i know that autism is the ‘common’ one here . you are valid okay . but guess what . ADHD , BPD, DiD, and straight up depression and anxiety are also things as well ! there are MANY folks here that are also undiagnosed as well OR they lay on some sort of spectrum as well . I am once again not going to disclose my own things here cause again THAT IS PRIVATE INFO , but fuck you if you refuse to see other disabilities .

also there are physical disabilities as well btw .

if you are not understanding of any other disability , or you wanna mute / deafen other mental disorders , YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM .

end of story . 

treat other people how you want them to treat you and don’t you dare ever shove your baggage at them . thanks . 

please be more understanding that some people are not okay:tm: . 

i implore you to get help if you need help , but sometimes some people dont have to take your shit . and they most certainly do not need to sit and take your issues if they are not okay either . its toxic and very unhealthy behavior to expect others to help you . they can help you as best as they can , but you need to understand that everybody has their moments . do not guilttrip them . do not gaslight them . 

but also understand that sometimes , people are saying things cause they genuinely need help ! you can be there for them but as a friend , you need to also tell them your own boundaries as well and tell them that they need to seek professional help .

but also , if somebody refuses to get help , then that is on them . not on you . 

anyway another tangent , but back to the point . autism , while you need to understand is something you need to see and understand , is not the only mental disorder ! and you need to understand that some people suffer from really REALLY shitty things and are sometimes undiagnosed . i am really REALLY tired of depression , ADHD , BPD, and DiD getting brushed under the rug like they are not important . cause guess what , there are spectrums ! all mental health is important . fuck you if you disregard the other disorders , you are being ableist .

STOP HATE READING PEOPLE.

im really sick and tired of this . you don’t like something somebody said ? you can either : ask what they meant or block / unfollow them . 

DO NOT FUCKING STALK THEM EITHER . 

you have an obsession if you hover on their blog too .. do not do that . that is SO unhealthy for you . here is what a friend said on twitter . ( not name dropping them , just copy pasting them )

❛ i stg people need to fine a better hobby than to hate read a persons blog or profile. not a good look on you when you go and read what they post about just to get angry at something you think they said and then you go off spewing lies about it cause 'youre offended.'  

like you already hate them in the first place. you weren’t 'looking to see if they were a better person.' youre just looking to find another thing to hate about them. 

that is what hate reading is about. so you can read their posts and find just another reason to hate and laugh at how bad you think they are.

but it doesnt make you a better person. it just makes you a sad person with no life. stop hate reading people. grow tf up. go breathe on some plants or something idk.

i say this very loud and clear . if you hate read me , i live in your head rent free . not my problem . but it does become my problem if you begin to steal shit and start spewing lies about myself or my friends . grow up and move on with your life . sorry my life seems more interesting than you ig . idk .

anway this got long , and at this point i am going off on a tangent but !!!!

TL ; DR

read my rules ig . idk .

you can dm me for more info if you want . at this point i have blocked the problem blogs for myself. if you are curious you can ask . HOWEVER. i am not going to tell you to block or unfollow . why ? cause at the end of the day , it is MY beef . this are my issues . i am NOT here to gatekeep .

i will say that i will tell you IN private the for MY story . but keep in mind that it is MY story . not yours . not theirs . it is all about perception .

my perception is that they are scummy gatekeeping thieves . they gatekeep the people they dont like or are intimidated by . i am somebody who fucking bites and calls people out on their shit , because of this ? i make enemies . but my enemies are not yours . i dont care .  dont give a damn . i am intimidating to people who are cowards and i don’t care . 

if they feel bad when i call them out , if they try to go around and do damage control , then that means they are guilty .

and then you can ask yourself this : why are they reacting like that ?

i am once again going to bring up that other twitter user that i quoted before .

❛  you dont like hearing that because someone is holding a mirror up to you and it makes you uncomfortable because you know you . and you know the parts of you that are good . so in your heart you have to come up with a narrative that makes you feel better about the fact that somebody is asking your to confront the parts about yourself that you hate the most .

anyway . this got long . im so sorry for the long read . im so sorry i sounded hostile ad angry . im just volatile sometimes . im just really tired . and i dont need to come on this blog and have a panic attack . 

anyway . cheers loves ! stay happy , stay healthy . drink your fluids . take your meds !

[eltigreus]

what’s changed?

when I was younger (not that I now am old or anything), I used to tweet, livejournal, post, share, reblog (with vivacious commentary), and unabashedly expose my self and my expressions in whatever manner I could think of on a daily basis, wherever possible. multiple times a day, in fact. the epitome of screaming into the void - simply for the sake of assuring myself that I am alive and I have thoughts/feelings. but now...

I find myself: habitually/obsessively running my thoughts and opinions through judgement filters before even allowing myself to consider them; reactively scrutinizing the art and expressions of others for no good reason other than to be contradictory; scavenging the depths of my mind for good content and throwing out practically every seed I pull up before it even has a chance to be germinated; refusing to share anything of myself that feels underdeveloped or inadequate for this social platform or that; and (at times, desperately) looking for any minuscule moment of every day life interesting enough to capture on video that I could share with friends, family, followers, and anyone else that might help to contribute to the proliferation of vast opportunity for creation in the realm of entertainment for myself and my cohorts.

“What happened?”

how did that bombastically outspoken, overly-enthusiastic, naïvely ostentatious young artist end up this way?

a while ago, I spoke to a friend who told me,

“You’re all dusty? You used to be so much... shinier?”

to which I immediately shrunk in reaction. “life happened,” I thought to myself.

but, whose life is it? whose life are you leading? whose life are you aspiring towards? is it one of your own creation and desire or is it the one you were indoctrinated to believe is the only “true” option for success in your profession? the one with flagrantly rapid [commercial] success, un-stifled money flow, influential notoriety, and - of course - lots and lots of beautiful [men] of all shapes and sizes at the tips of your fingers awaiting your beck and call?

the reality of this enviable latter life is one only a privileged few get to lead in the business of entertainment; and it is apparent that a vast majority of those few don’t look like me, nor would they refer to themselves as “movement artists” - nor do they seem to register aloud their own contributions (or lack thereof) to the privilege of living this reality; that’s another tangent emotional pi.

“You’re all dusty?”

I’ve had the dirt kicked up on me quite a few times before that day when I met my friend. I had felt myself becoming much more dull in the months that preceded this meeting, but never was able to admit to myself what was happening until someone else was awake enough (and loved me enough) to point it out to me.

“You used to be so much... shiner? You can’t keep giving and giving your light away to other people. You have to replenish and recharge yourself if you want to have anything at all to give to someone else.”

these were some of the things my very conscious friend had said to me that day. he was/is right.

I love to give and I love to avoid myself. but, clearly, this wasn’t always the case. frequently, I attributed this development to the consistent loneliness I was experiencing (even before the quarantine). upon further reflection, I think it would actually be more accurate to say “this re-development” of myself. I think, perhaps, the reason that bombastic young artist was so unapologetically expressive was because he had the time to be so; he had the time to be bored enough to indulge in his own organically-sprouted curiosities and decided to respond to his findings aloud - to himself, to anyone who might hear in passing, to whomever.

the reality was that the make-up of his audience was of no importance; the importance was the act of sharing, the purity of expression - of earnestly recounting experience and emotion. not being concerned with how to indulge in dialogue but inherently knowing that the conversation must be started in order for one to begin to learn.

so how can I expect myself to be so suddenly inspired now when I never give myself enough time to relax and be bored?

quite probably possibly, the production mindset has skewed my view of [my] value. though the efficiency skills I now posses are very useful in a creative process when time is not on our side, the incessant need to constantly produce something in order to feel sufficient - to feel purposeful or worthwhile in any manner - can take irreversible tolls on the body and psyche.

“You’ve got to save some light for yourself.”

I have given my light to choreographers, directors, producers, employers, educators, entrepreneurs, puppet masters, and clowns all with varying degrees of mutual benefit as collaborators and acquaintances. you can tell the ones who are ready to reciprocate your efforts of light-giving from a mile off and - hopefully - you make the effort to ensure that you are able to stick around and continue trading frequencies/creative opportunities. but, why is it that one would choose to stick around when one’s intuition screams at them that their currently-involved endeavor is a one-way highway and all signs along the road offer (clearly threatening) admonitions of fines, tickets, and legal action against those that pick up... hitchhikers?

though you inherently know better, for some reason, you still hope the ones who are there to take what they need and then thank u, next themselves out of your realm of existence will somehow (miraculously) see you as something... special? some thing “worth” taking the time to get to know and grow with. unique enough to take a chance on for a fantastical project that is bound to be the next multi-million dollar franchise which will set you up to do whatever it is celebrities do when they’re not being famous... for the rest of your life? it sounds as ridiculous as it is.

it’s hilarious (and unsurprising), but my professional life and personal life have very closely mirrored parallels. to consider myself a “hitchhiker” in regards to my past methods of approach at forming relationships (romantic and otherwise) with humans is, unfortunately, fairly accurate. the co-dependent nature of matrimony which had been instilled in me since I was a young one has very undesirable affects when put into practice as an “independent adult.”

but how could you expect anything different when your focus is divided between your profession, your partner, your bills, your friends, your dog, your chores ... this list goes on and on. when do you turn your undivided attention inward to reflect on what it is you need/want? I’ve found that even when I am involuntarily alone, I tend to refuse avoid every opportunity for relaxation and self-consideration. (un)fortunately (for me), the Pandemic currently circulating our Mother Earth has removed virtually all possibilities for external distractions. (a moment of singularity is much more easily served surrounded by accessible bars, intoxicants, and unimaginably beautiful people, after all - no?)

before I run off my rails, I think I must pull this train of thought into the station. this lengthy rumination of my past experiences is not meant to serve as a “warning” for those interested in undertaking an artist’s life. I write this, first and foremost, to employ what I’ve criticized myself for not doing throughout this piece: I write this as an act of screaming into the void once again.

I write this to assure myself of my own ability to communicate emotions/thoughts and experiences, and to remind myself of how much I love to do so. I write this also to offer another perspective to others who may feel jaded or deceived along the current portion of their artistic journey. I write this as an act of defiance against my own insecurities.

I write this in the hopes of encouraging whomever might stumble upon it to give yourself a break and assess/pursue what it is that will bring you true fulfillment in this life.

I write this... because I wanted to? because I wanted to. because I wanted to express myself without being bogged down by the waterfall of irrelevance that my mind produces when it feels unsafe or exposed. because I am an expressive human who must allow room for expression when the motivation is pure.

because I’m trying to cure myself from this long-time build up of artistic epididymal hypertension.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[queenofallwitches]

Venus trine MC, my MC lies in Saturn and Saturn is in 9th house Aquarius.

Saturn Return, and my Soul Journey into 12th house Sun conjunct Mercury (in Aries) bound by the 12th house Shadow Secrets. Jupiter is Leo and Mars is softened by my conjunct cancer moon, both in my 3rd house. The kicker is Chiron simultaneously sitting over in my wounded goddess divine feminine Luna moon compelling me to build a home, a base and a clan of like minded souls. cancer and Chiron sit together and Chiron is akin to the wounded healer. I have a complex but alchemical natal make up and its been 6 years of accepting the square and oppositions in difficult places to come to terms to work with my natal astrology in a way I can become creatively involved in.

23/3/20 initiated the formal induction of my Saturn return as saturn transited to Aquarius for the first time since 92/93.

It’s a taste of the full saturnine swing coming up after the December 21st astrology grand conjunction. Saturn will be in Aquarius up to July. before moving briefly back before that grand Conjunction with Pluto/Jupiter later in 21/12/2020. (activity period from 14 April 2020 until mid-July 2020) Venus trine MC

Yeah on a tangent but one day I will be thankful this was forged. I am will using my moonchild manifesto to track the astrology and transits for my own wounded healer journey. I don’t have the consistency of a computer to hoard things as I did before the big brother fascism came full formed this year and cannot freely trust anything can be stored. I will be putting things online purely to keep a record of what may soon be lost, unable to be accessed.

Plus I’m burning my journals after I take the photos of them and upload them for a ritualistic purpose.

It’s part of this creative alchemy and trauma soul retrival quest I’ve found myself on. I note this as my Saturn is returning home for my FIRST Saturn return. I have been formally initiated for the infamous, enigmatic Saturn return that marks the passage from “adolescence into adulthood”. (Funnily last time I heard a university lecture on neuroscience, the latest research noted recent findings that the brain of a fully, functional prefrontal cortex in adult brains don’t become fully formed until age 28-30. This first sparked excitement and also uncertainty about the privilege cast to the “teenage myth”. As kids brains are still developing when things like getting a driving cars, choosing a life career, alcohol privilege and making other major life changes at those critical developmental stages are still as risky when a 12-16 year old does it. So now psychology and neuroscience knows that the adult higher order thinking that marks the turn of a mature and civil adult come in the late 20s. Not the teens. So until after 25 a brain cannot be fully assessing its choices due to underdeveloped prefrontal higher order thought processes This was fascinating in the social science side of things where we look into social constructs of society and how teenager was a made up archetype for a post war period. I remember being in my early 20s at the time and my life was no longer a race as it had been made to be prior.the schools of the latest brain neuroscience confirm my impulsive nature could change before age 30. I was hopeful. Maybe I wasn’t a gifted genius who was highly sensitive and afflicted with the contrasting “ADHD or Attention Deficit Primaily Inattentive” which could only be “treated” (as far as I had experienced), via heavy duty schedule 8 drugs. The kind of medication that calmed me down but other people wound beg me to have. Meaning in the past people in my life around me were constantly trying to turn into their party high by taking advantage of my disdain for psychostimulants. But my love and need for money back in that time. Fuck fake friends I say. Taking advantage or dysregulated prefrontal cortex with or without all my labels was still, after all, a risky business, when it comes to juggling psychopharmacology and a myriad of labels that resulted in other medicines given to me that may or may not be accurate. No brain scan or confirmation has been given that my brain is anything aside from ADHD. So my academic quest in childhood was confounded due to this.I learnt a lot about my childhood and growing up with a long list of multiple mental illness diagnosis, and the medical pharmacology given to me for those things; was beyond measurable.

But my neurochemistry was tweaked ineffably by both psychiatric pills pushed on me from age 9 and for things I may not even need. The end result of what my social science teacher termed “social constructs akin to mental illness medical model DSM labels”. My self pursuit of understanding my own brain was a hard thing to understand in the sense that prior to hearing about this from the side of academic and professional training, I had spend 12 years in expensive and possibly more damaging than beneficial treatment for “mental illnesses”. My life was a focal point for the goal I set to help women with the “borderline stigma” after I had fixed my own borderline.

Clinical psychologist was my end game until I found the trauma truth sweeping me into a existential soul contusion merged with trauma after trauma therapy went into flooding memory. Academic research and the psychology and counseling journals I spent my spare time fine combing. For answers. For my why and how. By the time I found any sense of this it became a painful limbo of dancing with my demons, coping destructively and limbo between the underworld and the reality I found my body and mind entwined in.

Now it’s even more synonymous to my own Saturn return journey and how the Saturn return is the mark of adulthood. This can be a speculative musing I make now on celestial astrology and how it aligns to our inner psychological makeup. (The Jupiter return is age 12, puberty ; and the other inner planets all mark significant development milestones in growing up. I’ll go into that more in later blogs).

Astrology is a map of the soul, psychology makeup, can be so deep too. How does it measure up to statistics? Sun sign horoscope is nothing versus the natal chart and how it corresponds to planetary magick and Kabbalah. I have been seperate in my magick and academic work but it was always my will to merge these at one stage I could research it. But now the sands of time are shifting, and Aquarius Saturn is calling for novel innovation I never could convey due to academic being seperate as spiritual, magickal practice is something I was careful to keep silence on when working with clients, peers and mentors, forget telling my psychologists or doctors who wound dismiss any test as “bipolar mania”. I remember once I read “the difference between the mystic and the mad man is the mystic knows who NOT TO TELL.

Now it’s my time to informally but officially start logging my journey into my own healing, soul mapping, I call it cognitive alchemy, gnostic psychology, soul psychology, metagnosis.. I’ve had many a name for the potential inspiration from my true will calling. But I can now forget about the archaic bonds from the academic world I was schooled to excel in by confirming. I am also a high iq gifted kid and having been labelled gifted but “adhd” simultaneously while having traumatic events left right and center is a mix of confusion for me. Teachers classed adhd as a learning disability, my in attention confused with inability to listen to simple tasks. This meant my mind never adapted to that school conditioning but my education was still installed due to the private school system somehow making my alters succeed without effort. Most of my spare time as a kid that wasn’t dissociative was reading books. By me processing my own literature in my spare time, I knew so much random stuff but hid it in order to seem dumb bc that was accepted. But in private in encyclopaedias and non fictional library quests I’d devour books. for my 10 maximum haul of borrowing books. This was a routine my mum and I went to do each week but my reading speed was beyond anything known, as I read and synthesised up to 10 books mostly in one day, from age 6 onwards.

I also stole books and hid my reading habits at school due to a deep shame of not being liked due to reading being for losers without friends, as girls bullied me over my gifted weird quirks. I was pretty but saw my self as ugly for trauma will deprive the mind of seeing it’s own true perception. I was never understood how my looks became a thing used against me by girls who were jealous until I learnt about this myself. I recently accepted and remembered this all after 3 years of integrated healing. I was doing this all on my own. the spiritual and metaphysical work is my primary tool that was keeping me here. Actually saving my suicide program from self destruct after the March 2017 incident I shall not talk about now. But I’m here now, alive, kicking, Saturn here to shove my shadow to consciousness without prompt and this change can bring me into a 30 year blueprint of setting things right.

Now in order to build a solid and functional framework and foundational life. I have a litany of secrets I need to get off my chest. I think to share my growth, my thoughts and my experiences for my own liberation of my deep dark secrets finally free to be released into the public domain.

I have no choice but to share this.

I do this co consciously as a part of my integrative process.

Maybe One day it might be a guide for someone who was as alone as I feel doing all of this self work without support. Maybe it will fade into the cyber void forever. Maybe I’ll use this as a tool to help clients in the future. Whatever this is means nothing but what the process of alchemy can do to forge my liberation from soul loss and traumatic dissociative trauma.

As a therapist I always wanted to avoid what I went through growing up. Now more so. I never want another lost dissociative mental health client who was also stuck between professional and academic pursuits being my “purpose” and having to sacrifice career and my study and research to sit in my shadow to see the shit.

In order to break the shit therapist mould I list journey through my own shit first. This meant I needed to be away from all therapy both as a client and practitioner and student for awhile. I’ve been off since the end of 2017 and now it’s clear it was neeed, how do I heal without healing my own shit first? Am I not the finest example of how bad therapists can get away with their bullshit and be paid for it but never really know who they are. I’m never doing that. I never was about that. So due to therapeutic negligence. I am finding my gift was the lesson. Those a shitty therapist who are a dime a dozen were the anti mentors I saw too often: but my purpose was to be a therapist. But a therapist who did things the way I never had.

Never did I want another to go into the heavy weight of shame from the secrets of sexual wounds, childhood schemas, mixed up and messed up conditioning made to seem functional to outsiders. But that was all alters. Now it was a spiritual journey as magick and my mystical path entwines to save my soul. The self awakening, trauma revelations, merging with the dark night of soul, and the shadow work. Plus everything else coming out is not a journey I can say is or was at all easy, I suffer more now as a co conscious intergrating my trauma. I feel it all without the dissociative switch to save me from witnessing all the shit. Now I see my entire life and it’s fucked up raw and grim reality and I have to do something because I survived it this far? Again I never suicided or stopped into self destruction when I knew my own inner child’s wounds were no longer blacked out but burning bright longing for love. Symptoms for survival and the survival was part of the dissociative switching making my outside self seem so functional, but never seen. It’s not something they needed to drug me for, but it’s another thing I have to address now. My symptoms they drugged with medications that were mind altering and powerful for anyone let alone a developing child’s brain, were suppressed by many meds. Who knows where that ends and the damage via trauma and other things begin? It’s a mess of some thing I was never aware of but always trying to silence due to the need for people to accept me. But that was many mes all living a life that appeased many people, but not for me. Here we are.

[diminuel]

(Rant Anon trying to human)

Yes, yes, this is good!! This makes me very happy. (Your answers don’t feel like babbling at all, which is why I felt a little embarrassed. I kind of go off, rambling in a bunch of directions until whatever thought I have burns out, but you have a very clear, organized approach and it’s a pleasure to read. I’m always like ‘how is English not your first language??’ when I read your stuff) I (mostly Sister) did a thing! (and I didn’t explode, yay! why am i this person) Maybe that makes answering easier? I still don’t understand all the things, I’m sorry. Anyway, it probably goes without saying, but if at any time you don’t feel like reading/discussing, please don’t feel obligated. Your time is valuable and it’s yours, so if you’re busy with other things, I totally understand and will not be offended in the least. Regarding performance between the brothers; I totally agree about Dean’s performance (and I do love the difference in the way he gets when he has Cas to himself. Well, except when he’s being a jerk to Cas *cough*). The performing is a double-edged sword; it’s not something that’s explicitly negotiated, so while it allows them to be comfortable with each other and respect each other’s comfort zones, it’s not a perfect system. Dean is afraid of being open with Sam, for the reasons you talked about (living up to a certain ideal - though I think he underestimates how well Sam knows him. Sam’s not stupid); I also think Sam’s well-aware of his brother’s communication/expression issues, and while most of the time, Sam treads carefully, sometimes I think he deliberately takes Dean at face value when he knows better because hey, he gets frustrated, too. I do wish we could see more of Sam’s ridiculous side. I think Dean tries hard to be a stable adult for Sam, and only in later seasons do I feel like he’s internalizing the idea that Sam himself is not a kid anymore, but there also seems to be a thing that happens where Dean exaggerates his own absurdity or plays dumb so Sam has an opportunity to assert his grown-upness - just like a big thing for Sam, for a while, was trying to prove himself and his competence and adultness, since he wants to be part of a team with Dean instead of someone else for whom Dean is taking responsibility. Unfortunately, I think that means Sam doesn’t feel comfortable goofing off as much, since they can’t both be ridiculous (or they can, but circumstances have to be right). Not that I begrudge Dean his antics; deliberately saying things you know are silly/stupid, particularly in front of other people, just so you can see a sibling give you the “are you fucking kidding me right now” face and try to compensate for you by being Extremely Professional is one of life’s great pleasures. Sorry, tangent. I started in S10 so cannot hope to match your internal screaming prowess, but it’s true that these are consistent problems with SPN. I kind of think it has something to do with the way they divide the episodes/the minimal collaboration between writers (as far as I understand the situation)? I agree with you, though, that there seems to be an increase in it. I just lately feel like I can’t even find the guiding thread throughout that ultimately makes me feel like “This is a flawed story, but it’s overall a decent one with a vague sense of continuity.” I have never been exactly happy with how they handle the show’s potential, but it’s entirely possible I’m getting tired and nitpicking, at this point. And yes, not just with Sam and Cas, I think the show wants us to assume a lot of things that I really feel like they need to explicitly put in. ‘Show, don’t tell,’ as they say. And your points about Jack! Ahhhh, my Jack bitterness. I was dreading the nephillim plot, to be honest, because I didn’t trust the show not to do it stupidly, and then there the adorable little bun was and I was pleasantly surprised (I mean, I was still frustrated with some things, but overall, I was optimistic about Jack’s introduction). And then. Obviously, this is just personal opinion, but the direction they took in S14 just … all the affection I’d developed for the character sort of started a backslide, I guess. I didn’t appreciate it or how it fit into the plot or how it fit with other character dynamics and I became very frustrated. I also kind of feel like - some of the Cas & Jack dynamic felt forced, because of how they handled S13, and then the thing you asked “does Sam no longer feel that way?” was one of my points of irritation. They were kind of developing a thing with Sam and I felt like it just got dropped completely (as Sam plots tend to do. I recognize my bias where Sam is concerned, but I don’t think it’s biased to say that in the last several seasons - since the Hell trials, even - he feels more like a supporting character even though he’s there all the time. I’ve even felt like we’ve been promised things, but Sam development/plot feels like one of the first things to go if there’s no space. That may be better than the way they tend to just use Cas for plot without even having the decency to put him in all the episodes, but lately it feels like all of TFW is getting shafted and at the same time, the plot doesn’t feel particularly well-developed or executed, which leads me to wondering, “What’s happening?? Where is all the time and energy going, then?”) My expectation with Jack would have been what they started in S13 - he’s a powerful entity in a grown up body trying to understand his nature, which can serve as a good exploration of good vs. evil and how choice factors into that, so very on topic for SPN, if something they’ve toyed around with before. And I would have assumed Jack was a lead up to closing out Lucifer’s storyline once and for all. But then they went places that didn’t really make sense to me and - well, basically, I’m a very frustrated fan, at the moment. “I would also love more TFW and the profound bond definitely has overshadowed anything else. Before. But now with Jack thrown into the mix there’s even less time for the original TFW. (And I don’t like that. Sometimes I like the addition of Jack and at other times I’m jealous of all the attention he diverts away from the things I’m most interested in.)” Yes, this. There’s so little time left and it’s precious and even if you like Jack, it’s sort of like - in your dying moments, you want to be surrounded by dear friends and family, not a next door neighbor you just get on quite well with. You care about them, sure, but you’re gasping your last, here. As for where Cas and Dean are at … gosh, but it’s frustrating. You’re asking great questions and I want to be able to speculate on the what-ifs, but I actually don’t feel like I can. My understanding of what place Dean and Cas are in kind of fell apart in 12x19 when Cas stole the Colt. I just - I struggled with that, a lot, because it was literally right after Dean gave him an incredibly specific, profound speech (especially expressive for Dean) about being better together, about being a team. I often feel frustrated with Dean because he’s so bad at using his words, and I feel like someone like Cas really needs words, since he just doesn’t pick up on all of Dean’s pining cues. (Which, I know Dean tries, but even if he says things like ‘you’re family, you’re our brother,’ Cas’s experience is that he’s not valued the same way Sam is so I’m not sure why he’d believe that or know what exactly it was even supposed to mean). But that was like, the one instance where I felt like Dean was actually pretty clear and open with Cas, and Cas turned around and stole the Colt and ran off to handle things his own way. Which - in some ways, that’s in character, historically Cas has sort of arrived at what he thinks is a good solution and tried to tackle it on his own without communicating a lot about it (miscommunication is the real villain of SPN), but at that point in time, I felt like they should have been past those types of shenanigans. If I were Dean, that would have been really hard to accept (though I know Dean’s attitude is why Cas thinks he has to try and do things on his own). But they never really addressed it, because Cas died and Dean was a wreck, and then Cas came back and it felt like there was no payout to any of Dean’s grieving. They made such a blatant, undeniable point of it, and then I didn’t feel like anything came of it, and if anything, there’s more distance than ever. So I don’t feel like I can predict how they’re going to respond to each other, because I don’t feel like it’s necessarily been consistent/in-character, lately. (That’s not meant to be critical of Cas, though. I think Dean and Cas are in a frustrating, endless cycle of unintentionally hurting one another, but overall I feel like Cas gets taken for granted a lot.) I’m left feeling like ‘I miss my OTP.’ Just my two cents, though! In any case - I’ll send that rant separate, since they’re different topics, but I just want to say thank you so much for all the discussion! Effi insights are the best and this very much helped me think about and try and articulate some thoughts about things/my dissatisfaction here. I know you’ve been busy with work and art (is this still the thing you teased? it sounds like a new thing? i want to know moree) and I’m so sorry if you’re feeling obligated to use time you don’t have for this, but it’s really interesting and I’m very grateful to you for indulging me, either way! I do ramble a lot so I hope it’s still fun for you >>

—

Yay at trying to human! :DD

And sorry for the late reply, I got into art mode and then into fic writer mode. I simply couldn’t make clever words happen at all.

(I’m glad you think my writing is organized, because it feels like rambling to me. Especially when I’m nervous it’s very hard to structure my thoughts and monitor my word choice. I feel I’m getting more and more out of practice when it gets to English even though I use it regularly online. And I’m insecure about it to a new degree since there are people in fandom who ridicule/ attack others for not having a perfect grasp of English. It’s sad. Also… people making fun of fic writers for very nitpicky things. I don’t know what has become of the fandom if this is the constant atmosphere. Or maybe it’s just me because I’ve been targeted. And look at that, I went off an incredible tangent again. Way to go! *lol*)

I think the time you put into writing me, something which brings me joy, is also valuable and I try my best to answer! :D

I’m going to put a read more link now, because this post is already getting very long!

I do wish we saw more of Sam’s ridiculous side too. Just him goofing around with the fidget spinner was so unexpected. Sam’s not all serious research mode, though it’s clearly the show’s focus to let us see Dean being geeky. Dean generally feels more fleshed out as a character, with many details about him that we don’t get from Sam. Maybe that is because we’ve been peeling away at Dean-the-hunter/brother and getting to see more of Dean as a person. And maybe Sam’s always been more straight forwards in recent time. So there’s not a lot of new things we learn about him anymore. Which is a shame. I would love to get something as small and exciting as Dean wearing novelty socks is (or Dean being ridiculously jumpy about small things when Sam or Cas aren’t watching).

That Sam tries to assert his independence by being reliable and serious and competent makes sense to me. Dean does try to accommodate that from time to time, though I think it’s interesting that Dean tends to give and revoke Sam’s right to make decisions and/ or call the shots. The show has made Sam’s “emancipation” a topic more than once. We saw it in S12 with the British Men of Letters, where Sam acted on his own (I wasn’t actually a fan of it because I was, for a big part, on Dean’s side when it got to working with the BMOL but that’s beside the point *lol*) and then again at the start of S14. But the issue is that the plot point of Sam growing into his own as a leader in his own right is usually stopped, dropped or torn down as a story line demands Dean to revoke Sam’s right to be an equal. We have moments where Dean’s all “this is a dictatorship” (S10) or just generally pushes Sam into things/ expects him to follow along with his plans. Like he gave Cas the option to fall in line or get out in S14, he does the same with Sam, just implicitly. I understand that those are always crisis moments, but it’s interesting that they fall back into a familiar pattern in those cases. With Dean calling the shots and Sam following along. Though at the end of S14 I’m pretty sure that Sam was just overwhelmed with the situation and glad that his brother took matters into his own hands until he could at least process what has happened to some degree… Maybe. (I actually haven’t rewatched S14. I should get to that but worrrrrrrrrrrrk.)

I got into SPN when S6 was airing, but I only caught up with it maybe around the middle of S7? So I was spared some amount of despaired Cas girl screaming *lol* As to the writing in general… I feel lately they have had strong (and in some cases very strong) first half of seasons but then I struggled to see coherence in the second half of the season. Things that were important got dropped and sometimes even become completely meaningless due to what happened later. I scream at my laptop at things which I feel didn’t happen all that much in let’s say S6 (and as I get from the gossip – I have no sources so I call it gossip – the late decision to make Cas the villain made it a fact that Cas had been lying all the time which had absolutely no foreshadowing in the first half of the season, so it was hard to swallow. But S6 is painful anyway, I just have to deal with the angst and trauma!)

I’m glad to know that others feel Jack bitterness as well. I hated the Nephilim plot in S12. I found the Lucifer storyline ridiculous and not palatable. And – for me – it destroyed what S11 did. What a waste of air time if they were going to do that with Lucifer. (Aw, I’m bitter, I’m sorry). But it’s how you say, in the end Jack was an adorable little bun and I was lulled into liking him despite my reservations. And then he messed up, but he was cute!! And then he messed up again… But wait, he’s still cute!!! And that repeated until it went downhill in S14… It’s a relief that you have the same experience with it, makes me feel less ridiculous about it *lol*

I totally agree that Sam hasn’t been the focus of the story for a while. He’s a spectator usually. He reacts to what Dean dishes out. Why devote so much time to the Nick plot (I mean, seriously, why. Who liked that?) when that could have been used to do something more profound with Sam and Jack’s relationship. Maybe it’s deliberate that Sam seemed to have stepped back, I don’t know. Because the moment Dean warmed up to Jack, it seemed to be mostly about Dean’s emotions. Dean got the meaningful, heart-warming (or breaking!) scenes with Jack. Not even Cas. Dean. Why? I mean I love it, I love Dean getting these scenes with Jack, but Dean became Jack’s father. Sam’s just… there. (I might be remembering it wrong, I really do need that rewatch). And don’t get me started on the Jack-Cas relationship. I can’t make sense of it.

I have actually never thought about the stealing of the Colt that way. I was mostly a “gosh darn it, Cas, again?!” moment for me, but now that you state it like that, it was pretty… not good. Dean did try very hard to talk to Cas and he tries and tries but doesn’t seem to find just the words that Cas needs to be convinced. Miscommunication really is the real villain of SPN. *lol*

It is hard to make predictions, especially because the things that have been developed and have been – in my reading – pretty on the nose, have had no pay off. It makes me doubt my own eyes. Did I really see Dean grieving like that? Did I just make that all up? Because nothing really happened as a pay off. I must have imagined it. Sam is probably lying awake at night, wondering if he had just dreamt it all. And then S14 presented a Dean Cas dynamic that had a conspicuous distance between them. But I’m not sure how to read that distance because I’m not sure if it was deliberately written or just a consequence of focusing on external things like the Nick plot. Or the inconsistency you mention. It’s just hard to work with it. I mean I can grasp where Cas is better than where Dean is or whey they are as an unit, because Cas has opened up his mouth and told us - or rather Dean, when he explained why he didn’t mention Jack killing the snake. He was finally feeling like they were a family and he didn’t want to lose it. I think he felt closer to Dean than ever before because they have Jack. But where he will be now, after Dean said what he said and did what he did and they lost Jack a second time… Well… I don’t know. But I also miss my OTP. Stop being at odds with each other and kiss already. :CCCCCC

Thank you for the discussion! I so rarely get to discuss SPN in detail anymore ;w;

(And the art I teased is a new thing, it’s for a Destiel fan zine. So it’ll be some time until I can reveal it. But I spent a lot of time on it and I hope people will like it!)

This has become a veeeery long answer, haha. I might not get to the other message today because it’s already 11 PM and I have to work tomorrow. ;w;

[hisband]

   MURDOC & SYMPTOMS OF ADHD.

   ADHD is defined as a chronic condition marked by persistent inattention, hyperactivity, and sometimes impulsivity. ADHD begins in childhood and often goes unrecognized into adulthood. this is especially true in the past, and murdoc, being a child raised in the late 60s and early 70s, definitely got filed into the Unrecognized Neurodivergence category. already looked down upon by his teachers for belonging to a notorious, deeply disliked family, murdoc’s behaviour also earned him labels such as “slacker” and “troublemaker.” 

   in ri/se of the ogre, it’s mentioned he did things like cutting classes, distracting his classmates with “endless quacking noises” and making “pointless malicious jokes.” while i do think some of that behaviour may have A) been blown out of proportion by his teachers because they didn’t like him and B) was likely the result of his negligent household, i think he also acted out because... well, he couldn’t help himself, didn’t understand he was being disruptive and was never taught how to control those impulses. impulses that he still has, though they manifest in different ways, such as... 

becoming easily distracted by low-priority activities or external events that others tend to ignore. anyone who knows murdoc at all knows how difficult it is for him to keep his thoughts in a straight line unless he’s in a professional setting ( and even then, he has a tendency to go off on tangents from time to time ). though he’s excellent at setting goals for himself and taking the necessary steps to achieve them, other things tend to catch his eye along with the way. murdoc is very observant, which is both a blessing & a curse depending on the circumstances.

having so many simultaneous thoughts that it’s difficult to follow just one. see above. murdoc has a lot going on in his head at once, and because of that, he struggles to articulate himself when he’s speaking unless he’s had time to plan out his responses ( being a celebrity, he was likely coached how to do this properly ). this may give off the impression that he’s a bit of a ditz, which couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth. talking out loud can just... be hard for him.

difficulty paying attention or focusing, such as when reading or listening to others. yes, he can be incredibly watchful... if the situation is of the utmost importance or if he feels like he has something to gain. but when he’s trying to focus on something he really doesn’t care about or that won’t benefit him in some way, you’ve lost him.

frequently daydreaming or “zoning out” without realizing it, even in the middle of a conversation. linked to the point above. also ties into point #2 in regards to murdoc thinking about too much at once.

struggling to complete tasks, even ones that seem simple. like i said before, murdoc often has a hard time motivating himself to do things he has minimal interest in. believe it or not, he isn’t trying to be a lazy asshole; his brain chemicals just don’t work the way they’re supposed to. the brain uses electrical impulses to carry messages from one neuron to the next - messages that help us notice things, pay attention and take action. in the brain of someone with adhd, the brain doesn’t always release Enough of those chemicals. when something interesting or exciting comes along for someone with ADHD, however, then our brains releases a larger amount, which helps us get started and stay glued to the task ( which is why murdoc is such an efficient musician / songwriter a decent chunk of the time ). people with ADHD don’t have voluntarily control of the release - we can’t tell ourselves to get started on a task and make it happen unless we’re really into it, or if we fear something bad will happen if we don’t deal with things right on the spot.

a tendency to overlook details, leading to errors or incomplete work. murdoc doesn’t Always exhibit this symptom because he’s such a perfectionist - at least when it comes to subjects he feels genuine passion for, like music and live performances - but when it comes to things he’s less sure about or can’t really bring himself to get invested in, he gets... sloppy.

poor listening skills; for example, having a hard time remembering conversations and following directions. pretty self-explanatory. his drug & alcohol abuse ( both past and present ) really don’t help with his lapses in memory. he’s a lot better at navigating around new locations than he is remembering something someone said to him earlier that day, however. all the travelling he does has helped him get better at figuring out where he needs to go and not panicking when he gets lost.

quickly getting bored and seeking out new, stimulating experiences. another self-explanatory one. this symptom occasionally overlaps with the risk-taking of murdoc’s BPD ( which i plan to discuss in more depth in future posts ). because of the overlap of his BPD & his ADHD, murdoc experiences a special form of inattention as part of dissociative states when he feels emotionally stressed, particularly in response to feelings of rejection, failure, and loneliness. his inattentive ADHD symptoms are particularly prominent in situations that lack external stimulation ( i.e. during boring, routine, or familiar tasks ). it should be noted that those with BPD have a tendency to resort to self-harm in order to alleviate tension; those with ADHD are more likely to regulate emotional symptoms through things like extreme sports, novelty seeking, sexual activity, and aggression. as someone who suffers from both disorders, murdoc’s got a lot on his plate.

poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered). it depends on the situation and circumstances. when it comes to matters that are important to gor*llaz, murdoc watches over them like a hawk and ensures that everything is in the correct place & order... most of the time, so long as he’s somewhat sober. when it comes to his personal belongings, though? absolute disaster in the earlier phases. his organizational skills don’t start getting better until around phase 4, in which he copes with the loss of control over his life by becoming extremely anal about how everything around him is presented.

tendency to procrastinate. unless the goal in question is extremely time-sensitive & important, yeah - and even Then murdoc will still sometimes leave shit to the last minute. he frequently forgets the thing he means to do before he starts doing something else. when he’s so distracted by outside stimuli, as well as internal thoughts, it can be hard for him to even make it to the starting line. and once he finally does get started, he may become sidetracked by something else more interesting... and so his original task gets delayed even further. do you see where i’m going with this?

trouble starting and finishing projects. thanks to his ADHD-fuelled boredom, murdoc tends to have a lot going on for himself at once. the problem is, he sometimes has trouble finishing his side projects because new ones pop up and replace them. this is why it’s important for murdoc to have a a Primary Project or Goal to worry about - because without one, he’d be aimless.

time blindness. ties in with issues such as chronic lateness & forgetting appointments / deadlines. murdoc, like most people with ADHD, has a distorted sense of time. waiting in line can feel like hours and what feels like fifteen minutes of fun activity can really be forty-five.  if murdoc forgets the purpose of his task, he’ll be uninspired to finish it. those with ADHD have two times: “now and not now.” for example, if a work project is due next week, we figure we’ll have plenty of time to do it - and the next thing we know it’s monday. that sort of thing. this distortion of time leads us to believing we have more time to complete tasks than what we actually do.

constantly losing or misplacing things (keys, wallet, phone, documents, bills). this is why murdoc needs to watch closely where he sets things down. if he’s not paying enough attention, his brain won’t lay down a memory of the event - it’ll feel like it never happened. this can make him a real pain in the ass to live with at times, because more often than not the object he lost will be in plain sight and he’ll be tearing the place apart trying to find it.

   but murdoc’s most prominent ADHD symptom of all would be his impulsivity. said impulsivity makes it difficult for him to inhibit his behaviours, comments, and responses. he tends to act without thinking, or react without considering the consequences. he has a habit of interrupting others, blurting out the first thing that pops into his head ( no matter how tasteless or inappropriate ), and rushing through tasks without reading the figurative or literal instruction manual. murdoc’s lack of impulse control makes staying patient extremely difficult for him. for better or for worse - usually the latter - he tends to jump into risky situations that cause him more harm than good in the end. this poor self-control has led to addictive tendencies, as well as difficulty behaving in socially appropriate ways. said difficulties include:

being easily flustered and stressed out.

irritability or short, often explosive, temper.

low self-esteem and sense of insecurity or underachievement.

trouble staying motivated.

hypersensitivity to criticism.

talking excessively, usually about a million things at once.

trouble sitting still. constant fidgeting.

   there’s a million other things i Could say about murdoc as a character with ADHD and would Like to say but. i think this covered all of the bases. more later, yes.

[digiauthorenergize]

This is a stress rant post. There are a myriad of sister updates that I’m sure people don’t care about but it’s fun gossip so I’ll put them under the cut. The sister updates will be followed by and interspersed with a bunch of personal ramblings that I was going to put in the tags but instead I decided to put all the positive stuff in the tags because no one should need to dig through this negative post to find the positive stuff going on. 

Do people trigger warning their rant posts outside of the tags? Is that a thing? I’m going to do it. TWs for my sister and her husband continuing to be garbage and Anxiety and like, old psudo-anorexia habits I had but idk it’s fine. 

So she had her baby! yay! he’s cute and good and healthy and it’s been a few months (like 4?).  We had a bonding moment a few hours before she gave birth, her husband (he’s still a huge ass more on that later) was asleep on the couch and I was sitting with her on her bed watching some absolutely garbage show and she said she was sorry. And it was genuine and soft and the stuff of hurt/comfort fics cause she was like ‘I shouldn’t have yelled at you and I shouldn’t have moved out like that. You were right and I’m sorry.’ and I just rubbed her head a little and said something that essentially meant ‘I’m still working through it, but we’re cool’.  And I thought for real we were good! That like, we were going to start having a normal relationship again and stuff! And then everything got exposed. 

First she had to get over her ppd (which is a very good thing but also allowed all the exposure that’s following all this) with required a lot of help and support from our mom who’s too good for her honestly. Literally our mom is too good for her. It’s so frustrating because on the one hand she needs the help and I get that, she’s always needed the help and all the attention and I get it. I do. but it doesn’t change any of the bs she’s been and continues to put our mom through. Mom’s paying for everything for the baby: diapers, formula (she’s not breast feeding for reasons that are further down and it makes me want to scream), clothing, all of it. She was coming over every day mom was off work for a while. She still comes over a lot, but it’s not just cause she likes the help. My mom is doing everything she can for my sister and called me last nigh saying she feels like a failure as a parent and it’s not fair because mom did a great job with the two of us honestly and just cause my sister can’t make a good decision to save her soul shouldn’t be a reflection on my mom. I’m functional (mom said she thinks I’m smarter than she is and that’s something my ego does not need to hear right now cause lemme tell you what I know I’m being judgy from this pedestal atop of which I sit). I look at all my options and make decisions carefully. I watch my funds like a hawk because I’m a grown ass adult and I don’t want to have to ask my parents for help (I’ve managed not to use any of my severance package from getting laid off in April <<did I ever mention that here? I got laid off in April so I stepped up at my second job so I wouldn’t be without healthcare and stuff. Also also internalizing that ‘I’m the good daughter’ mantra is NOT GOOD STOP IT.>>  and a huge part of that is my fiance being able to handle the utilities so I can focus on my own bills (my part of the rent, groceries, phone/car/etc). Just cause one of us is a hot mess doesn’t mean she did anything wrong as a parent! She did a great job! Or we’d both be messes! But I super digress. 

((Mom and I also had a talk about whether or not she should report the whole situation detailed below this line to CPS, and my opinion was ‘technically you should be talking to a professional about this not your daughter, but yes’ and she said she was going to talk to one of the social workers at work about it so))

My sister’s husband is using opioids. again. He hasn’t done any of the parole stuff he was supposed to do after he got caught with them the first time (re: my other long ass personal posts cause I don’t know how to keep rant shit and fandom shit away from each other) and he had 3 years to do them, so his FEDERAL DRUG POSSESSION CHARGE is going to go on his RECORD. **insert all of the frustrate at the stupidity of it all facepalms here like, i can’t even** Apparently they haven’t paid their rent in months and so they got an eviction notice over the long weekend, they’re like over 10k in credit card debt (and it’s all in her name I’m sure cause she had good credit before she married this dumbass), and APPARENTLY last winter they were so far behind on their electric bill after heating their apartment with the OVEN because their heater was broken (and they couldn’t tell their landlord because they were already behind on their rent) the company made them pay the bill in CASH. like. what the fuck??? We found all this out from his mom (who’s very nice but also very nosy) over the last holiday weekend where my mom took the baby for a few nights so that my sister could go see some fireworks (and you know, have some fun) but ended up keeping him for a week and his mom had had the baby for the week before the holiday. like! what! and apparently she’s been smoking weed again which is why she wasn’t breastfeeding which, good, but also like. Logically I get it: she’s depressed? she smokes weed. We have a family history of addictive tendencies but whatever I get it, it’s her thing and whatever. but also!!! what!!! the hell!!! 

oof. 

And then on top of all that, I’ve been trying to Logic my way through my anxiety like I usually do but it’s just...not working this time. My usual method is to take whatever the feeling I’m feeling is, identify it, acknowledge it, figure out exactly where the root of that feeling in this situation is and deal with that. But half of this is wading through my sisters bs and there are only so many times you can say “you’re feeling this way in part because you feel like you’re morally/intellectually superior to your sister in a way that’s not great (tm) (but the data supports this response and then it’s off on a tangent)” and “through past experiences you’ve chosen not to address your emotional response, instead focusing on finding solutions and therefore are under equipped to deal with all these feelings (tm) and as you continue to try to suppress them so you can put on a retail face and ‘function’, they keep coming out as barely controlled bursts of chaotic energy that you usually channel into writing projects but as the bursts grow more unpredictable you’re anxiety is popping up to remind you of the unhealthy coping mechanisms we developed last time this happened but those don’t actually work the way you thought they did”. And then my anxiety comes in and says “yeah they do” and god if only they did work the way I tricked myself into thinking they did cause I could go back to only drinking my calories and eating a real meal once a day if that (for like family dinner or whatever) and with the way my schedule currently is I could and it would be so easy to just starve my anxiety again for like 10-12lbs but that’s when you start being able to really see my ribs and that’s not great fam and I’m not going to go down that road again we’re riding it out this time damn it. 

I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve made 2 new music playlists. One I use to calm down when my anxiety spikes, it’s got low-fi remixes and different grounding techniques and is super chill. The other is literally ‘ok, so you wanna have this anxiety attack? We’re Gonna Go??’ and it’s all stressful music. I’ve gotten to the point where I can crest and regroup in 12 minutes, and if I time the playlist correctly I can do the whole thing in the shower while I’m getting ready for the day so when I’m done I just have to get dressed and go. Which is also not great but whatever fucking works I guess?

Also big ass unrelated side note: I’ve come to the realization that I’m Ace, but not sex-repulsed, which was a thing I had to tell my fiance and he kinda gets it? But not really? Cause that’s really important to him and his sense of self-worth which is a whole other thing we’ll probably end up in couples therapy for, but we’re both willing to do that so. 

As soon as everything else settles down we’ll get to that. Which is what I’ve been telling myself about my emotions for years. As soon as this settles down I’ll try therapy again. As soon as I have health insurance that will actually make it affordable. As soon as I get settled. As soon as I have time (and then I over book myself). As soon as as soon as as soon as. 

I’m so annoyed with myself. But it’ll be fine.  Sunshine comes after some rain and you need some rain to grow.  

[meangirlsx]

Ship for @theatricalwriter 

Request: Can I get a for Mean Girls and DEH ship? I'm bi- I don't necessarily have much of a preference- and I'm a Ravenclaw. I'm an avid reader, so much to the point where I buy more books than I'm able to read. I'm also a big writer and I'm hoping to go into a career of musical theatre after college. (I also do a lot of performing in and out of school) I'm always watching something on Netflix like a CW show or Criminal Minds. I dislike divas in the theatre department and math, I really hate math. I also don't like ignorant people?? Or those who just refuse to hear what's true and ignore it. That's a huge no for me. But when I look for a partner, I look for someone who's willing to listen to all of my stupid rants and sit down and watch a movie with me. I want someone who looks past my physical flaws and let's me be me in all my Broadway-loving glory. Also someone who supports me in what I love doing- writing, singing, etc. In a crush, it's pretty much the same thing but I guess someone who I see good in and gives off a good vibe. My mom and my closest friends- also in the drama department- are incredibly important to me so they'd have to at least attempt to get along, if that makes sense. I really relate to Jo March from Little Women, Leah Burke from the Simon series- the bi and plus size queen- and Elphaba from Wicked with a bit of April O'Neil from TMNT. Also, didn't mention this, but I love it when people give me nicknames and I love cats. Thank you sm, ily 💖

(This is longer than I intended it to be oops. I kind of stalked your blog a bit to help with some thoughts because I love you and I wanted it to be really good and a lot of thoughts came)

Mean Girls

I ship you with Gretchen Wieners!

How you met:

You always knew who Gretchen was

It would be hard not to

You didn’t know it, but she always knew who you were, too

She thought you were cute but never knew how to strike up a conversation with you without making a fool of herself

You had just gotten out of rehearsal where one of your fellow cast members had been a diva and you were frustrated

You headed to your favorite bookstore to help you calm down

You were very surprised to find Gretchen in your go-to section

She smiled immediately when she saw you

Her smile faded when she saw that you looked distraught

All her anxiety about talking to you went out the window, because now she was worried about you and that took precedence

“Erin, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

You explained that you were dealing with a drama queen, but you brushed it off, saying you were fine

"I have a decent amount of experience with that. Do you want to go get coffee or something? Maybe I can help.”

So you went down the street to a coffee shop with her

You explained everything to her, and she listened patiently and attentively

When you were done, she gave you support and good advice

You could tell dealing with Regina had taught Gretchen a lot about dealing with people with compassion and empathy but also with strength

You admitted that you didn’t peg her for being into books

She explained that Regina had never wanted her to be known as a bookworm, but now that her reign was over, Gretchen was free to love books to her heart’s content

You learned that you had the same favorite types of books, so you ended up spending time at the bookstore together pretty regularly

This also came to include shopping trips

How you got together:

After a few weeks of spending more and more time together, Gretchen found herself liking you more than she thought could be possible in a short amount of time

Every time you talked, she was surprised by how similar you were and how much you could understand each other on a level most people didn’t seem to

So one day she decided to express that to you

She didn’t plan to ask you out

She was too afraid that you would say no

But she wanted you to know how much she appreciated you and how deep of a connection she felt to you

It turned into babbling and before she could stop herself, the words “and I just really like you” had fallen from her mouth

She looked embarrassed and terrified

You gave her a smile instantly to calm her nerves and told her you felt the same

That launched her into another mini tangent about how much she liked you now that she felt open to tell you

Headcanons:

You and Gretchen are always patient and understanding with each other

You get where each other are coming from, you can understand each other’s anxiety and insecurity, and you know you always have good intentions

Your relationship is healing and very healthy

You know just what to say and do to make each other feel better and loved and appreciated and validated

You can rant to each other about anything and know that the other is genuinely listening and caring without any judgement whatsoever

Your relationship has no judgement at all

One of her favorite things about you is your collection of books that’s more than anyone can read, because she has the exact same kind of collection

She loves to go book shopping and clothes shopping with you

You love watching TV shows and movies together but you also love just reading together

She loves to be involved in anything you do, theatre, writing, singing, anything

She loves to come to your shows and cheer loudly, or praise your writing skills, or fawn over your voice

And she loves that joining you in your activities introduces her to your family and friends

She absolutely adores your mom

And she feels like your group of friends was the friend group she was destined to be a part of

She doesn’t have everything in common with them, but that doesn’t take away from the friendship at all

She thinks the most amazing thing is when your passion shows in your eyes and she feels so lucky to be able to witness it and be someone you’re passionate about

DEH

I ship you with Alana Beck!

How you met:

She overheard you in the hallway talking to a friend about an issue you were passionate about

She didn’t want to be rude or intrusive, but she felt passionate about the issue, too, and was excited at the thought of having a discussion with you about it

So she came over and introduced herself, then explained her agreement

The bell to head to class cut you off pretty early, but neither of you wanted to stop talking, so you agreed to meet up again at lunch

At lunch, you learned that you shared the same opinions on a lot of things

You also shared a lot of likes

You even had the same favorite TV shows

You started hanging out to do homework together, watch TV, and sometimes discuss issues in the world that upset you

When you revealed your Broadway nerd side to her, she came to the conclusion that she was doomed

She found it absolutely adorable and also amazing how much you knew about different Broadway-related things and how much you loved it all

How you got together:

During a Friday night CW and Criminal Minds marathon, you glanced over at her and noticed that she seemed nervous and like she wasn’t quite paying attention to the episode

So you paused it to ask her if something was bothering her

She insisted that she was fine

You assured her that you wanted to help if something was going on, but you wouldn’t push if she didn’t want to talk about it

She took a deep breath

“It’s just that we’ve always been really honest and ourselves with each other. And I love that. But I haven’t been completely honest with you and I told myself I would be totally honest with you today and...”

She trailed off, so you took the opportunity to tell her that she didn’t need to tell you everything if she didn’t want to, but you would be there for her no matter what it was

“Well, if that changes after I say this, I’ll completely understand. You don’t have to stay friends with me if it makes you uncomfortable.” She paused for another moment before saying “I’ve had a crush on you since we met.”

You felt relief wash over you knowing that it wasn’t actually anything to be worried about

You told her you did, too

After asking each other a few questions to curb your curiosity about liking each other and not realizing it, you returned to your marathon, sitting much closer than you were before

Headcanons:

She loves coming up with nicknames for you, and you do the same for her

She loves talking about the future with you

She loves hearing how excited you are about your plan and dreams

She likes to imagine your future together

The conversations of your potential future together always involve at least one cat

She is 3000% convinced that you will achieve your dream and become an absolutely spectacular actress and writer

She insists you’re already there and just don’t have the fanbase or professional credits to confirm it

But she’s more than happy to be your biggest fan and support you alongside your friends and family

She bonded with your friends simply over their shared love of you, but they quickly learned that they had a lot in common and now get along as if they’ve been best friends forever

She thinks it’s fantastic that you’re so close to your mom and always does what she can to impress her while still being herself and trying not to go overboard

But she doesn't really need to try

She’s a parent’s dream significant other for their child

Kind, caring, bright, driven, generous, friendly, empathetic, considerate

And she loves you

More than anything

[autisticadventurer]

This is a rant about why the idea that “all people are a little autistic” is very harmful to the autism community ... with a lot of tangents.

In my life I’ve had two “best friends.” The first one dumped me for having low emotional intelligence, not being codependent, and being unable to read her mind. The second one, I had to get away from for shaming me about my abilities, choices and boundaries, adopting parts of my life as her own, and is an SJW online but behaves abusively toward her own child and tells people that breaking up with abusive people if unfair if they have a mental illness so just “love the abuser through it; they’re the real victim.”

My first best friend was actually my bully. I couldn’t see it. Let’s review,

“How can you get straight A’s but be so stupid?”

I recently read a book about body language. It gave me some incredible insights as to the motivations and feelings of others, but I’m no expert. I can tell you one thing though, the misunderstanding between Autistic people and non Autistic people goes both ways for me. It’s very difficult for me to understand why social hierarchy or appearances is a deciding factor in decision making. On the other hand, our special interests are often regarded as, “a cringy level of interest in something...” wow, you really have the mental energy to be disgusted with something that has nothing to do with you...? Did you know that there are people out there who want to make pineapple on pizza illegal? How can someone be so insecure that they want to control what other people eat on a pizza? How can someone be so insecure that they find a deep level of interest in spirituality or bus schedules or dinosaurs cringy? How can someone be so insecure that instead of building healthy relationships that are mutually beneficial, they instead use friends as people to push down in order to make themselves look “better”? It doesn’t make you look better; it makes you look like an insecure bully and an asshole.

All that aside, my second best friend was also my bully. She seemed to be of the belief that everyone is a little autistic, and she used this reasoning to shame me, saying things like, “but why can’t you just ... ?” or “Why did you ... ?”

Well, reality check. I spent the better part of my life not understanding abuse or knowing how to ask for what I needed. I recently read an article about how autistic women are incredibly prone to unwanted sexual violence because the autism community in general is treated, from birth, to accept things that are unwanted: To change our behaviors against our will. To tolerate abusive behaviors from others for our own good. To not believe our bodies regarding what we need. I could relate so hard. While my mother wasn’t an autism warrior parent, she was a pathological narcissist in denial of her own denial who became increasingly more abusive toward me each time a professional or family member tried to step in and advocate for my screening and assistance... and a father who is likely an undiagnosed autistic who couldn’t see that I was different because I’m so much like him... but it was my father who, later in my life, confirmed that they had more or less known all along and did nothing because they didn’t understand for their own reasons. Not everyone has the experience of finding out something really huge about themselves later in life that changes their life forever, but Final Fantasy characters often do, and this helped alleviate my feelings of loneliness and gave me a template for coping behavior when it happened to me. My mom threatened suicide when I was diagnosed, my dad came to accept himself, and I started promoting acceptance for Autism. If Final Fantasy has taught me one thing, it’s that fighting for what’s right matters more way more than what people think of you.

Revisit: How can you get straight A’s in school and be so stupid?

My mom was an average student but believes herself to be the most gifted person in the world. My mother found my abilities threatening to her own, and therefore refused to help me with anything. “Figure it out!” was all I ever heard, and this reinforced my difficulty in asking for help. Both of my parents lack emotional intelligence and therefore, were unable to model it. I was forbidden from receiving outside help, and therefore, never had the chance to learn. What this left me with was no map, no compass, and no guide. I ended up with friends who bullied me and shamed me for having no map, no compass, and no guide. A virtuous person would have acted as a guide, but:

How can you get straight A’s in school and be so stupid?

How can you get straight A’s in school but can’t figure out how to interview well or hold down a job or work full time?

How can you get straight A’s in school but not be able to maintain healthy relationships?

And the most hurtful of all: well, everyone’s a little autistic, so if I can do it then you can (should be able to) do it too. 

At my age, there is nothing to do but accept life on life’s terms. I can’t go back and change how I was raised, but I can heal from the abuse and trauma and move on. I can’t change the fact that I have student loans that I haven’t been able to pay off but I can keep looking for opportunities that might pay a living wage at part time and help me get off assistance. If it hadn’t been for all the therapy, I still wouldn’t know how to do either of those things. People like to use functioning labels to describe autistic people but:

How can you get straight A’s and be so stupid?

I was homeless for most of my early 20′s. Living with family in my late 20′s and enduring further trauma, abuse, and shaming for who I am drove me to attempt to end my life. I lived in a group residential housing facility after that incident. After receiving an accurate diagnosis, I was granted disability income. I’ve been fired for lack of eye contact and poor social skills, but because of my appearance, EVERY ASSHOLE OUT THERE WANTS TO PUT ME IN A CUSTOMER SERVICE ROLE EVEN THOUGH I’M HIGHLY SKILLED WITH COMPUTERS. I didn’t develop independent living skills until the age of 28 and that was with very hard work and diligence.

How can you get straight A’s and be so stupid?

Because functioning labels aren’t fair and they’re not real. Because seeing me for a few hours every couple of weeks when I’m at a level of functioning that allows me to be social doesn’t paint the picture of what living with Autism every day is like. Because you might not be communicating directly enough for me to understand what it is you want and if you expect me to read your mind, that’s codependent behavior anyway so step off, asshole. Because sensory processing problems mean that I get sick when storms roll in, migraines from fluorescent lighting, and sometimes I can’t understand what’s being said to me while other times I can hear a whispered conversation in another room with someone on the phone perfectly. I can smell it when someone farts at the mall. Because hyperconnectivity in my brain means I need to sleep a lot more than other people in order to function at a basic level. Because I can only work part time. Because I was out of work for several years due to collapsing under a backlog of a lifetime of trauma, SPD problems, communication problems... you name it. Because I’m usually very shy out the gate but once I get to know someone, I don’t stop talking ... about what some assholes would call a cringy level of interest in Final Fantasy or Spirituality. 

Because here’s the thing: we all have something to contribute and we all have different skill sets... and if you are so insecure that you can’t understand that other people are different from you or that (on a personal level) I’m doing my best in order to be functional so that I can spend time investing in a healthy and important relationship... that’s your problem, not mine. I already have enough on my plate doing my best to manage a neurological condition that affects my functioning from day to day, dealing with medications that work but make me gain weight, switching to other meds that have other side effects but don’t manage my SPD as well and CBD doesn’t work as well as the pharmaceuticals do. FUUUUUUUUU**********!

My boyfriend, Cowboy, said to me after we had been dating for a while, “Autism is something that people can’t understand until they see what it’s like from day to day.” We had known each other as friends for a while. When I went to cosplay events, I made sure that I was well rested and prepared. He never guessed that I struggled so much behind closed doors or in situations that I hadn’t had time to prepare any social scripts in advance for interacting with strangers. It is validating to be seen, and this is typically the responsibility of the parents... but I have one who only sees others as an extension of herself and another who doesn’t fully see himself, let alone others. Luckily, Cowboy sees people for who they are, as they are. I asked him, if you didn’t know I was autistic, would you still help me when I needed it? He’s never asked:

How can you teach yourself to code and still be so stupid? (Modern version)

He told me, “Of course I would help you. I don’t care if you’re autistic or not. I love you for who you are.”

[botanyshitposts]

Hey, just wanted to say I know how you feel about having people be weird about you liking plants, I get that all the time too. It's weird to not be yourself around close friends and family, especially if you're the one they go to to talk about whatever they're into, like double standards much???On a side note, have you been tested for ADHD because I have it and the way you think/act sounds a lot like me and it's often misdiagnosed as OCD or autism in girls/women/generally studious people.

okay lol i typed out a huge thing telling my life’s story and then was like……mmmmmmmmmm lets not so here are my Mental Health Highlights™ regarding that fun time. generally i try not to post stuff like this on this blog bc i feel like it should be For The Plonts but it also deals with how plants actually saved my life so:

-I’ve been professionally diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, ADHD, and depression. 

-OCD like?????? wrecked my life man. like it was a constant undertone in my childhood and tl;dr was a super bad time and i didn’t get properly diagnosed until i was in high school and i was like??????? oh my god it makes sense????

-started undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy for my OCD and anxiety in high school bc i was having a Hella Bad Time™

-results just in: thoughts cant hurt u and u dont have to wash your hands until they bleed and Good Numbers and Bad Numbers are just numbers, etc.

me:

still miserable at school because i was relearning things i already learned/taught myself on the side and was frustrated and hated everything and myself 

-my ELP coach reached out to me and asked if i’d like to do a plant experiment??? she would use program money to get the equipment???

-shoutout to my ELP coach for making school worth coming to again and making homework and projects worth doing on time again bc she gave me a chance to actually do something that im interested in and express myself through science and be challenged, just not in class (*insert american public school tangent here*), literally, actually saved my life and stopped my self harming and helped my depression bc at the end of the day i got to do what i loved 

-shoutout to my environmental sustainability teacher who encouraged me and was 200% willing to use his resources to help me learn, who sought out the edge of what i had taught myself and used his college microbiology degree knowledge to teach me more and provide me with more resources instead of circling me back into the lesson and making me wade through what i already knew like all my other high school teachers did when i asked them more questions to extend on my extending on my learning

-anyway back to the ADHD thing

-so i always had some obsessive thoughts and actions from my OCD, but when I got put on my current medication thats been working SUUUPER WELL I LOVE IT, i suddenly couldn’t focus. my grades dropped. this was literally in the second half of my senior year. i was off any and all ADHD medications because of their stimulatory effect, which i learned the hard way a few years ago made my OCD compulsions 200% worse and symptoms more intense. 

-okay like. this was wild right

-my psychiatrist told me that because I was struggling with my depression, anxiety, and OCD less, my ADHD was starting to show more because my (copious) energy was no longer being bogged down by depression or eaten up by fear and compulsions. 

-that. took a little bit to get used to. like i had to change my study habits and stuff (current study set up: 1. ALWAYS study at school/in a different building because when i try to study at home/in my dorm it’s a signal that it’s time to begin winding myself down and tapering off my energy for the night, and i fall asleep 2. use white noise to drown out that Dank ADHD Hypersensitivity and Distractibility). I also am now more fidgety than i was and need more effort to focus– i control this by working out every morning to burn off some of the residual stuff so i can actually function (not yoga lol). if i dont, im hit with weird slams of writing inspiration and distractibility during the day, which are cool but then get looped into obsessive thoughts that make them hard to shake

-it just was a weird moment of realization for me because the last time I struggled with my ADHD explicitly was in early elementary school. it had been “gone” for so long that i literally thought that my parents had me diagnosed too young and it was a wrong diagnosis (i was diagnosed in kindergarden). 

-most, if not all, of my autism-like-symptoms come from my OCD and ADHD. I’ve been tested for autism, and do not have it. my hyperfocus and passion come from obsessive thoughts and stuff relating to those two disorders, and im inclined to say that my social incapabilities relate to impulsivity and oversharing related to those two disorders as well (i’ve been doing pretty well controlling those lately having gotten help for that in therapy, but…….you know……still working on it like yikes. i feel better about it after meeting some of the grown up, employed plant academics here at school, which all share some resemblance to me in social ability. ive heard rumors about the whole “academics are bad at socializing” stereotype but like……….i see it now…….these are my people………)

[rongasm]

Hi friends! A while ago I answered an ask and made this post about my makeup routine because I have oily af skin and very red, pigmented skin from terrible acne scarring, and I really struggle with it. At the time these were my go-to products, but I’ve upped my game a little bit (and infallible changed their formula... boooo) so I thought I would update you on my makeup routine. These will not be all drugstore brands. If you want my drugstore advice, go to the post I linked above. 

The order of my routine has also changed over time because I’m spending more money on products. This is for beginners in makeup who probably wouldn’t know as much as someone who spends a lot of time on youtube (god knows I don’t) so it’s probably gonna be pretty basic. 

Basically, if you’re like me and you don’t have an older sister giving you advice on makeup, this is for you! 

Step one: Moisturizer! 

So, it turns out your makeup stays on way better when you put moisturizer on first. Your skin, when it’s oily like mine (ours) gets unbalanced and the oils are in different places, causing some of your makeup to stay on, and some to slide off. I’ve been using Caudalie Vinosource Moisturizing Sorbet, which I really like because it soothes the redness of my skin from my acne scars. When you’re using your fingers, start around your nose (the more oily place, basically) and brush out with the pads of your fingers. I don’t know why this works better, but it does. 

Step two: Primer!

There’s a lot that you can use for primers, I personally don’t stick to one. For acne scarring and redness, I would try smashbox photo finish-- the green one. It helps with pigmentation. I also really like the Milk blur stick and I still adore the Rimmel London Stay Matte primer. I’ve found that the primers with the stickier consistencies work better for me. 

Step three: Take a break.

I recently realized that my makeup lasts about 85 times longer when I do my eye makeup after I do my primer and moisturizer. Tangent: My eyelashes never, ever curl, so I’ve been using Covergirl the Supersizer Waterproof Mascara lately. It is literally the only mascara in the universe that will get my lashes to stay up. However, I don’t love the way it kinda thins my lashes out, so I’ve been trying to come up with a routine where I combine it with Lash Paradise (a Better Than Sex Mascara dupe) to create a thicker, more dramatic look. Everyone’s been raving about Lash Paradise, for the record. When I went to Ulta to grab it, there were literally only two left. Unfortunately, it doesn’t hold my curl, so that makes me sad. 

Step four: Foundation!

I tried to fight it. I tried to deny it. Kat Von D’s Lock-It foundation.... you’re undeniable. It’s the best color match of my life-- usually makeup professionals white-wash me; I have this olive-y Jewish skin that’s pretty pale, but it’s not, like, pale-pale. This foundation actually matches it and it makes me g l o w. It stays on 6-ever. I take my wet beauty blender (it goes on better when it’s wetter and you use less product, which means the product lasts longer and you don’t have to buy it again sooner) and put little dots on my face. Then I blend all the dots together. I use light, blotty strokes, except for where I press harder, which is in areas that are super red for me-- above the eyebrows, above the upper lip, especially. I either do one and a half pumps, one layer, or two pumps with two layers, depending on how thick I want it. And. It. WORKS! (This has become a lot of oily skinned people’s holy grail foundation. It is #blessed.) 

Step five: Concealer!

I’d been using Mac’s pro-longwear concealer since high school, and I really liked it. I know it oxidizes weird on some people’s skin, but it worked fine with me. However, when I switched to Lock-It, I also happened to be running out of concealer, so instead of hopping from Sephora to Macy’s to grab my usual Mac go-to, I just snatched up the Lock-It concealer that matched my color. I really like it because instead of a pump like the Mac pro-longwear, it comes with a little stick, like a liquid lipstick. You can use that stick to apply very little or alot, and it saves product and is very precise. I tuck it onto any really bad acne spots (it doesn’t really help with the pockmarks I have above my left eyebrow, but nothing does), then I put it on top of my nose, in the side creases of my nose, the creases of my smile lines (they always lose makeup first and it’s like a weird red wrinkle), the crease of my chin, and a little V under my eye. Then I blend together with the smaller end of my beauty blender. The nose doesn’t last forever, but this is far better than any other makeup I’ve used so far, when it comes to makeup sliding off. 

Step six: Setting Powder!

I rarely experiment with powder. What I’ll suggest is to get a really, really big powder brush but then don’t brush it on-- kinda blot it on obnoxiously. Like, pat pat pat with the brush. This seems to work better for me. For oily skin, I would still suggest Rimmel London translucent stay-matte setting power. It’s my go-to drugstore brand, but, like I said, I don’t really experiment much here. However, I doubt it’s the end-all-be-all for powder, so here’s a link for best setting powders at various price ranges. Many people swear by Laura Mercier, Make Up For Ever, and L'oreal Paris, which all come in at different prices. Experimenting here is my September makeup goal.  

Step seven: Setting spray!

This is a must for anyone with oily skin. Sorry, girls, but we gotta do it. Last time I made this post, I was swearing by Model In A Bottle, which is okay, but I’ve come to realize that it’s not the best. The best of the best is Make Up For Ever Mist & Fix Setting Spray. It is everything to me. I don’t love the way Lock-It smells, and then I spray the Mist & Fix over it and I’m like “wow I smell delicious.” I had to go to multiple Sephoras to get it because it is always sold out. But I am officially Make Up For Ever’s bitch. 

Step eight: Skincare!

Okay, I know. This is the most boring part ever. But let’s talk skin care for people with oily, sensitive, or red-prone skin. Hi, friends. I am all of you. 

Here’s what I’m using right now: 

Boscia Makeup-Breakup Cool Cleansing Oil

You put it on your skin and it takes off all your makeup, then you splash water on it and it becomes a cleanser. If you put it on your eyes and scrub, yes, it will take off even the toughest mascaras. 

Ren Evercalm Cleansing Milk

Daily, just a gentle cleanser. 

Ren Evercalm Ultra Comforting Rescue Mask

A few times a week, 10 to 15 mins. Or use it when your face is a total disaster, like post-period, if you’re a person who gets a period. 

Ole Henriksen Balancing Force Oil Control Toner 

Daily, toner that tackles discoloration and oily skin

Neogen Dermalogy Bio-Peel Gauze Peeling - Lemon

Little double sides cleansing pads, two or three times a week. There’s a soft side and an exfoliating side. The lemon juice is meant to lighten, brighten, and even out the skin. Then you wash it off and put your toner over it to complete your evening routine!

Now let’s talk about the elephant in the room: Money. I know this sounds really, really expensive... and it is. But don’t forget that these are not products that I buy each and every month. They last. I buy products in waves-- so I’m replenishing things probably once a month, but not the same things. I’ve been using my moisturizer, my makeup-breakup cleansing oil, and my bio-peel gauze since late-May and I haven’t had to replace them yet. The powder lasts 5ever. I’ve been using Lock-It for a month and I’m not even close to having to replace it. It’ll probably last me another month, if not longer, because I’m not even halfway through the bottle yet. The Make Up For Ever Mist & Fix will last me even longer-- the bottle is huge and it doesn’t go fast, which is why it’s pricier. 

Which is simply to say..... prioritize. You don’t have to spend all this money at once. God knows I wouldn’t. For me, the foundation, concealer, and setting spray are the three most important things. If you go to sephora, they’ll tell you that the skin care stuff is what you need to get your hands on first. As for primers, Rimmel London is drugstore and has never failed me, I buy cheap-ass blush and highlighter, you could probably get a temp-moisturizer and wait to get a more expensive one. If you were to go to Sephora or Ulta and tell them your price range for a certain item, someone would be able to help you find what you’re looking for. There’s a wide range of prices for makeup. Ulta is drugstore-to-middle and Sephora is middle-to-high-end, product-wise

Plus, these products are sometimes less money in other places. Check Ulta, Sephora, Amazon, Target, and CVS before buying a product. The higher-end stuff, you won’t find at Target or CVS, and there’s some stuff that’s a little more exclusive to Sephora so you won’t even be able to find it at Ulta, but basically all of these products can be found on Amazon (sometimes more expensive, sometimes less) and a bunch can be found in drugstores. Shop around for the best price! Sometimes the price difference is actually really big.

And don’t forget, everyone’s skin is different. There are products that might work for me that might not work for you and vice versa. Everybody’s skin has different quirks and evilness. Figure out how to take care of yours if it’s something you care about. Good luck, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask! Okay, I have officially older-sistered you. 

[tuchimuchibrainvomit]

EPISODE 3:

Aloha, fellow Sakuga Seedlings!

Welcome to my case study series, Brain Vomit.

Name’s

Tuchimuchi Yoshinori – or just Tuchi…

And I enjoy animation. Especially animation from the eastern archipelago of Japan, also called “Anime”!

In this series, right here, I’ll be exploring Japanese Animation Production and enlightening this growing community and myself to the power they have in this expansive animated medium.

For today’s episode, I’ve chosen to discuss one of our most important topics that I’d love to talk about in great detail. And I want to be as sensitive and open-minded as possible, so please do not take what I say as any standard or absolute. This series is meant to enlighten, not to judge or criticize. But today, I want to discuss character design -- !!

I hear you, I do, but there is a reason why. Hold your horses, guys!

So, Character Design---We understand the basic logistics, yeah? A character design is simply that, how a character is designed. What aspects of the character give them individuality and what aspects help relate to the world/culture they live in.

Are they young? Old? Human? Furry? Tentacle Monster? Whatever.

These are just the basic ideas...

Character Design is something some people understand it well and others… not so much. I refrain from putting up examples of bad character design as not to offend anyone. But, often things can get lost, over done or just a bit... lacking creativity.

Hence why today, I want to focus on breaking down character design--and not Character Design in a broad spectrum, but Character Design with the Animators in Mind.

Animators in mind meaning...?

Oh yes, character designing for an animator -- streamlined, easy to animate consistently and efficient.

So. let’s start broad and narrow it down, to help reinforce the points I want to explore…”

Q: What makes good character design overall?

First of all, I hate the idea of “good” or “bad” character design. It’s less about being good or bad, as those are more opinionated, rather more of a design being “successful”.

Depending on your perspective, design can be merely the aesthetic choices or a solution to a problem. But in reality, it’s a marriage of the two.

A: Since this is more opinionated than definite and I am not a professional by any means. Based on a multitude of different opinions across the net and through some readings that I’ll like below, these are the main 5 factors that in my opinion make for a successful character design:

1.) Silhouette

2.) Aesthetic and Style

3.) Reproducibility

4.) Exaggeration

5.) Fungibility

Let’s break all of this down…

Silhouette: The most straightforward. A silhouette is the basic structure of your character, most easily expressed when put into shadow or overlaid with a color that gets rid of lineart and detail.

Let’s perform a -- Silhouette Test-- on some characters, which I believe are all well designed.

(Insert silhouettes here)

What is the Silhouette Test? It’s simple really, take a character -- or a bunch. And turn them completely black, a silhouette. I recommend choosing a pose or a model sheet where the action does not overtake or mask important parts of the design.

Ask yourself these questions:

-- Does your character stand up to the silhouette test?

-- Can you tell which is which in a crowd of silhouettes?

Yusuke Murata of One Punch Man remake and Eyeshield 21 fame is known for having interesting background characters in his work -- fleshing out his world a bit.

Now see if they stand out from each other and that of it’s contemporaries. If you can tell who a character is from the silhouette, congrats. You have the makings of a successful character design. 

However, remember context is always important! Silhouette is not the end all be all.

Let’s try it out! Or better yet, let Extra Credits explain it every better with video!

(Check out their stuff! They have some great videos on Game Design)

There are many things that can help an artist create characters with different silhouettes.

For example:

-- Use different blocking shapes to build your character. Start simple and grow into complexity. Honestly, simple is always better.

-- Use the shadows of other objects to your advantage.

-- Study body types, I hear a collective group groaning--No. You can’t have every girl have the same huge boobs and not every guy can be a bara wet dream, if you want interesting and differing character designs, variation is very important -- OMNI-IMPORTANT -- even, let’s put ‘Omni” in front of it. This not a difference of opinion, this is just the basics of broad character design. I won’t name names, but many artists I love, realistically speaking, may not be good character designers--And that’s OK!

Build with shapes. Understand shapes and how they come across to the eye, I recommend this video by SuperEyePatchWolf to even go into that better than a couple of words from me ever could!

A bit of a tangent, but more my opinion: Here’s where Furry characters have a strong advantage, they can use animalistic features like ears, tails and muzzles and exaggerate them to make a more interesting silhouette without building up all this detail. Because I’ll be frank -- more detail to clothing and face without changing it’s shape is not gonna make your silhouette any stronger.

So when I see furry designs that are basic with just a lot of color or patterns, it doesn’t really work. As the silhouette test takes out the tertiary details and focuses on the form. If you’ve never heard of a sparkledog -- you are blessed.

Moving on!

Aesthetic and Style: This is where you get to get your creative side on. Be creative and show off your individuality! But focus on the character, think of their background and personality, make sure those are congruent to the world you are trying to build. This is where CONTEXT MATTERS!

Ask yourself these questions:

-- Do your characters have a distinct look? How does it compare to others with similar influences? How does it compare to my influences?

-- Can you tell what style is yours based on how they are drawn?

-- Does my character stand out from other characters I’ve designed?

-- Does my character's identity come through the basic design?

If so, then you passed! You probably have a strong aesthetic, and you may have also avoid plagiarism charges from other artists…

Seriously... I 100% understand having influences, but the “discount this artist” isn’t super appealing. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but at the same time -- most artists want to be seen for their individuality. Quite the double-edged sword. I recommend exploring yourself and your influences and expanding. Find new things in the world that intrigue you. Becoming better as an artist and designer is about exploring the world and yourself.

Always bloom proudly, as I like to say.

There are many things that can help an artist create characters with different aesthetic and styles.

For example:

-- Try understanding body differences and get creative with it. Life drawing. Life drawing is a necessity. Even if you cannot get into a class, sit outside and doodle people and their behaviors. There are plenty of sites with life drawing models with set time limits. I’ll put some links right here!

-- Understand character development. Understand your characters. A nerd probably wouldn’t have a suede jacket, a smug grin and greased back hair, unless the point of that character is dissonance of appearance and personality (And no, not all of your characters need to be this convoluted, most designs to speak for themselves. But in terms of audience expectations -- they should be able to tell some truth from a character’s appearance, Use those aspects in design.)

-- Keep your character simple before building complexity. Starting complex may leave you more in a rut than one would at first think. 

-- Study other artists’ styles, study styles of art in general! You may find something that inspires your direction in design aesthetic.

-- And stay passionate about what you do. It’s very easy to compare yourself to others in a destructive way. I won’t be that guy that says “always be drawing” as sometimes we all feel unmotivated from time to time and that’s OK. That’s life. But keep your mind active and be aware of both the self and the outside world. In the age of the internet, it’s easy to forget what fresh air smells like.

I believe every artist has a personal style inside of them that they can use to split themselves off from their inspirations. But in my opinion, when artists begin to blend, it screams red flags about those artists’ potential being wasted -- so the harder you experiment and learn from reality, the better off you’ll be in the long run.

I know, I didn’t hold any examples here -- but there’s no way to define what is a good or bad aesthetic. It’s all subjective, so that’s up for you to discover.

Third,

Reproductibility: Can you draw your character easily -- as in like 5 minutes maximum? This is more of an animation perspective, but if you cannot draw your character over and over again in quick succession, you may want to rethink your design.

(Burnout is plenty possible in any situation. Simplicity is merely a way to keep things moving.)

Is your style easy to emulate, but unique? You may have a style built for animation -- but with that does come danger from plagiarists. I know, I’ve been talking about it a lot today. And while I have never had the first hand experience, I’ve observed the feelings and it’s not a positive one. Maybe it’s out of my own fears in that regard. Who knows...

Character design. It’s a balance, really.

Repetition is key. That’s why simple is always best.

Got it down? Then you can design reproducible characters!

Things that can help you design reproducible characters:

-- Find things that flow with your hands. These characters will be drawn thousands of times, you need to enjoy drawing these characters!

-- Keep things simple, but not too simple that it loses aesthetic and style.

-- Look at model sheets and understand them. These are not tours to drive you to their destination, rather guides to finding the path for you.

Yeah... Reproductibility... This one isn’t too long or complex. Anime, while a bit full of it’s own tropes, tends to have great character at its best. While they may differ from the manga they may be adapted from, it’s all for the sake of animation in the end. As decades go on, anime is only getting better on a technical level.

Simple, cute as hell yet badass in it’s own right! I have a bit of a thing for PreCure, especially Heartcatch PreCure! (This is Princess PreCure, don’t judge me!)

Moving on!

Next up: Fourth,

Arguably the most important in animation (as it is also a PRINCIPLE OF ANIMATION, see Episode 2 for more) is Exaggeration: This is how far your character can go before they become unrecognizable. No matter how they are drawn, you should know which character this is at all times. This is CRITICALLY based on the last three concepts.

How do I know if my character can be exaggerated well?

-- Keep your designs unique, reproducible and simplistic.

-- Learn about the basic animation principles.

-- Experiment, Experiment, Experiment! Get wacky with it, try drawing them in another person’s style. Can you still identify them? 

-- Draw them in different poses and angles! You want to be able to draw them from any angle be it worms-eye, bird’s eye, dutch, over the shoulder... These are more filmography terms, but the point still stands. Animation is just film where your camera is imaginary and based around composition.

I may get some heat from this and there is a video that I’ll link that goes into pretty much all the points and go check out their stuff but -- Steven Universe while I love it -- does suffer from composition deficiencies... It comes off as if they cannot draw their characters from experimental angles and foreshorten well. There’s a reason why Mindful Education is such a successful episode composition wise -- Takafumi Hori is miles beyond the level of the Crewniverse in terms of raw animation skill and experience. Most high quality action shows take a lot of inspiration from anime in terms of composition because it set some lofty standards, which dates even further back to Asian action cinema then to American cinema and Disney.

It all comes back to Disney -- my mortal frienemy.

Anyway, got the basics down? Got your character take to the level that they can do anything in any way possible?

Then good, you can exaggerate your design because it’s very strong!

What if I need help exaggerating my character?

-- Don’t be so stiff. There’s a reason why Ash’s design was changed in Pokemon Sun and Moon! This is one of the major reasons why!

-- Imagine how they’d act in different scenarios… Now dial it up a notch! Get crazy! Artistic technique can be taught, but creativity and passion are talents! Animation is not for the faint of heart, but don’t give up if you feel the fire and desire in you! Chase it!! That’s why I’m here, encouraging more animators to flourish.

Lastly and an odd case,

Fungibility. 

Fungibility?

Fungibility is the congruence and comparison between an outcome and the effort or resources put into it. 

Think of a game for an example, let’s say Pokemon. This game is fungible to me in that the time I got out of it outweighed and exceed how much I put into claiming it. It was about $40-50 for Pokemon Sun and Moon and once the credits rolled and I reflected, I found it a worthwhile experience for how much I paid (and the effort the creators put into it to even have it exist on a shelf.) 

It was Fungible.

How does this work in character design? Ask yourself this:

-- Do I like this character?

-- Do I love this character?

-- Do I love this character enough to put hours into drawing them over and over again?

If you said “Yes” to ALL of these, then you understand the fungibility of your characters and aesthetic.

There is no real way to define an individual’s fungibility in a concept or character design. It all comes down to learning about yourself and what you--yes, YOU, find enjoyable in your art. Most animation is made to make a buck--but great animation is made because you wanted to make it and enjoyed it.

That is what makes animation truly fungible.

Now, let’s take these broad concepts and narrow them down to an Animator’s perspective.

Imagine it:

You have to draw this character for a 12-episode anime, each episode 22 minutes working on an average of 24 frames per second (the number of drawing that make up a second of time is 24, but limited animation techniques allow many ways of working with this).

That’s about 31680 frames that you may have to draw this character. Which do you think will be easier and more flexible to be animated. If you don’t believe me, the Canipa Effect had a great video about it that I’m linking down here!

While both are designed for animation, if you chose the Sun and Moon design, then you better understand character design from an animator’s perspective. While subjectively, it may not be the most appealing (or you are clouded by a sense of nostalgia, which only dillutes creativity.) Thinking about it objectively, animation serves a purpose, even as small as being a stupid comedy or trying to tell a wholly intertwined narrative.

Opinions aside (I F**KING LOVE HIS REDESIGN) -- it is undeniable the success of Ash’s Sun and Moon redesign for OLM’s production of Pokemon. It shows in how the show is animated -- it is an animated series after all with many passionate staff members including Masaaki Iwane and Ken Otsuka to name a few. 

Just watch the openings between each Generation.

Even if you think he “looks bad”, these are things to pay attention to and learn in Ash’s Character Design and its redesign:

-- What is the series trying to accomplish?

-- What has this series been notorious for?

-- What does this redesign change about that?

-- How successful has that been?

Character design to an animator is OMNI-IMPORTANT (there it is again, heh) hence why we are hitting this after Animation Principles -- because they need to be able to draw this character in any situation in any view, have them look cool while doing it and make sure that they understand the physics around the world this character lives in.

You may see people bring up poorly drawn in-betweens and the like during a critique of a new animation style (especially in Pokemon and Dragonball Super) but in those critiques, it is easy to tell the person does not understand how animation works. While having every frame be perfect is ideal, the focus in animation is not each still rather how they flow and convey movement. If you want fantastic stills read a comic. They are designed to look good when still.

When designing for animation, think of these:

-- How far can this character look off-model before it’s too much?

Let’s dip into that right quick. Off-model. The statement that a certain image or frame doesn’t match the model sheet. And in my opinion, it’s more contextual. For example, Naruto vs Pain... It may be off-model -- but it’s well animated... You love it or you hate it. But it’s important to understand it.

-- Have much can each piece be exaggerated?

-- What pieces are the most important to keep the overall design intact? This is where simplicity is important. You can warp a scene as a stylistic choice, but you know a character is strong that even when distorted, the character design is still clear. This ties back into silhouette.

The character designer has to be able to not only do all of this, but also know it from just a glance!

That’s crazy, right?

So, make sure when designing your characters for an animation screen, keep these things in mind.

Now then, what problems come from badly designed characters?

Well, let’s look from two design problems that are common in a lot of artists, once again, these are more my opinions than definite fact:

There is Over-Designing -- Where the character’s abundance of details not only make an animator’s job harder, but also shows terrible design sense.

And Under-Designing -- Where character designs blend without detail. Showing that there is not been enough detail in basic form to be unique.

What do I mean by Over Designed and Under Designed?

In simple terms, adding way too much to make a character stand out when the problem is on a design fundamentals level. This is often attributed to very erratic and complex clothing, patterning or other non-silhouette affecting changes.

Note: If characters aren’t supposed to look alike, make them look different. Just changing their clothes or hair without changing facets of their form and silhouette and saying from a stylistic perspective that these characters are very different is bad design. Period.

(I’m throwing the shade at you Negima, but you aren’t the only member of this trope... I honestly enjoyed you when you got to be an action series instead of a harem.)

Look up Six Face Syndrome for a more detailed analysis. TVTropes is an ally.

A good way to fix this is often the silhouette test. Try doing a base silhouette too, removing clothes and hair to the central design. How much is the silhouette different without the clothes and hair?

Now add the clothes back, how much has the silhouette changed?

Now add the hair, how much has the silhouette changed?

If the only differences are seen from the hair and clothes, you may want to rework your design.

Who doesn’t like swag though, but this shouldn’t be the only distinction between characters.

By Under Designed, the context is that not enough detail is there to make characters stand out.

This can often be from a lack of interesting silhouettes as well, but also can be from not enough detail. It’s definitely harder to under design compared to over design, but Six face syndrome is often a sign of Under Design. Once again, if I put up an example of a “bad design” it’d get too subjective...

I knew this episode was gonna be more dice-y...

OK. How can I work on characters that are under designed?

-- Look back at that Aesthetic and Style note from earlier. These are the essentials in adding the right things to an under designed character, taking them from bland and forgettable to great and memorable.

It’s truly a balancing act of not too much detail to become forgettable and frustrating to draw, but not too little detail to make characters blend in with each other.

My best advice is look at artists that truly have mastered this concept as well such as Character Designers in most well received anime.

For examples:

Sushio: Character Designer for Gurren Lagann, Panty and Stocking and Kill La Kill.

Toshihiro Kawamoto: Character Designer for Cowboy Bebop, Golden Boy, Noragami and Kekkai Sensen.

Chikashi Kubota: Character Designer for One Punch Man, One Piece Movie 6 and Robotic; Notes.

Akio Watanabe: Character Designer for the Soul Taker, Bakemonogatari and Popotan.

… And this is only scraping the tip of the iceberg.

All of these artist come in many shapes and forms from Sushio’s ability to exaggerate his designs, to Kawamoto’s realistic, sexy and cool designs, Kubota’s ability to make important features stand out and Watanabe’s soft and moe, yet varied designs.

But something important to notice is: ALL of these designers are veteran animators. So they understand what a design needs to both stand out and look well when animated.

Even in adaptations of existing manga, the Character Designers must be able to adapt characters that looked great in still images to look great in motion. Hence why illustrators and mangaka are most often NEVER Character Designers in Anime, but know that this is not mutually exclusive.

There have been a few healthy exceptions, i.e.) Shirow Miwa, character designer from Kiznaiver is an illustrator for the group Supercell.

“Well, I think that’s enough for one day…

Next week, I think I’ll take a break and just kinda relax a bit. I’ve been hella busy with adult life things. But I’ll be back at the end of the month with Episode 4. It’ll be a hefty one -- Where I can start diving into Sakuga and seeing how liberal I can get with “defining” tropes...

Ho boy -- why do I put this pressure on myself...?

ON THE NEXT BRAIN VOMIT!!

EPISODE 4: LIMITED ANIMATION -- THE BASICS, THE MASTERS AND THE STYLE OR I LEARN HOW TO CREATE ANIME SLANG FOR AN AUDIENCE...

I CAN EVEN DRINK SODA WHEN I WANT TO! JUST WATCH ME!!

Remember: Always bloom proudly,

– TUCHI OUT!!!