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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 7 months

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By: Beth Bourne

Published: Feb 27, 2024

Kaiser gender specialists were eager to approve hormones and surgeries, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.”

On September 6, 2022, I received mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminding me of a routine cervical screening. The language of the reminder stood out to me: “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” When I asked my Ob-Gyn about this strange wording, she told me the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of their “transgender” and “gender fluid” patients.

Based on this response, several thoughts occurred to me. Could I expose the medical scandal of “gender-affirming care” by saying and doing everything my daughter and other trans-identifying kids are taught to do? Would there be the type of medical safeguarding and differential diagnosis we would expect in other fields of medicine, or would I simply be allowed to self-diagnose and be offered the tools (i.e. hormones and surgeries) to choose my own gender adventure and become my true authentic self?

If I could demonstrate that anyone suffering from delusions of their sex, self-hatred, or identity issues could qualify for and easily obtain body-altering hormones and surgeries, all covered by insurance as “medically necessary” and potentially “life-saving” care, then maybe people would finally wake up. I certainly had.

I was prepared for failure. I wasn’t prepared for how easy success would be.

* * *

I am a 53-year-old mom from Davis, CA. My daughter began identifying as a transgender boy (social transition) and using he/him pronouns at school during 8th grade. Like several of her peers who also identified as trans at her school, my daughter was a gifted student and intellectually mature but socially immature. This shift coincided with her school’s sudden commitment to, and celebration of, a now widespread set of radical beliefs about the biology of sex and gender identity.

She “came out” as trans to her father (my ex-husband) and me through a standard coming-out letter, expressing her wish to start puberty blockers. She said she knew they were safe, citing information she had read from Planned Parenthood and the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH). To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was also confused because this announcement was sudden and unexpected. While others quickly accepted and affirmed my daughter’s new identity, I was apprehensive and felt the need to learn more about what was going on.

Events began escalating quickly.

During a routine doctor’s visit scheduled for dizziness my daughter said that she was experiencing, the Kaiser pediatrician overheard her father using “he/him” pronouns for our daughter. The pediatrician seemed thrilled, quickly asking my daughter about her “preferred pronouns” and updating her medical records to denote that my daughter was now, in fact, my son. The pediatrician then recommended we consult the Kaiser Permanente Oakland Proud pediatric gender clinic, where she could get further information and (gender affirming) “treatment.” Now I was the one feeling dizzy.

As I began educating myself on this issue, I discovered that this phenomenon—minors, most often teen girls, suddenly adopting trans identities—was becoming increasingly widespread. It even had a name: rapid onset gender dysphoria, or ROGD. Thankfully, after learning about the potential side-effects of blockers and hormones, my ex-husband and I managed to agree not to consent to any medical interventions for our daughter until she turned 18 and would then be able to make such decisions as an adult.

Over the past five years, my daughter’s identity has slowly evolved in ways that I see as positive. Our bond, however, has become strained, particularly since I began publicly voicing my concerns about what many term as “gender ideology.” Following my daughter’s 17th birthday family celebration, she sent me an email that evening stating she would be cutting off contact with me.

While this estrangement brought me sorrow, with my daughter living full-time with her father, it also gave me the space to be an advocate/activist in pushing back on gender identity ideology in the schools and the medical industry.

I decided to go undercover as a nonbinary patient to show my daughter what danger she might be putting herself in—by people who purport to have her health as their interest, but whose main interest is in medically “affirming” (i.e., transitioning) whoever walks through their door. I am at heart a mother protecting her child.

* * *

My daughter’s sudden decision to become a boy was heavily on my mind in early September of 2022, when mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminded me of a routine cervical screening with “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” I was told that the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of transgender and “gender fluid” patients.

Throughout the whole 231-day process of my feigned gender transition, the Kaiser gender specialists were eager to serve me and give me what I wanted, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.” My emails were returned quickly, my appointments scheduled efficiently, and I never fell through the cracks. I was helped along every step of the way.

Despite gender activists and clinicians constantly claiming that obtaining hormones and surgeries is a long and complex process with plenty of safety checks in place, I was in full control at every checkpoint. I was able to self-diagnose, determine how strong a dose of testosterone I received and which surgeries I wanted to pursue, no matter how extreme and no matter how many glaring red flags I purposefully dropped. The medical workers I met repeatedly reminded me that they were not there to act as “gatekeepers.”

I was able to instantly change my medical records to reflect my new gender identity and pronouns. Despite never being diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I was able to obtain a prescription for testosterone and approval for a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy from my doctor. It took only three more months (90 days) to be approved for surgery to remove my uterus and have a fake penis constructed from the skin of my thigh or forearm. Therapy was never recommended.

Critics might dismiss my story as insignificant on the grounds that I am a 53-year-old woman with ample life experience who should be free to alter her body. However, this argument for adult bodily autonomy is a standard we apply to purely cosmetic procedures like breast implants, liposuction, and facelifts, not “medically necessary” and “lifesaving” treatments covered by health insurance. Or interventions that compromise health and introduce illness into an otherwise healthy body. And especially not for children.

My story, which I outline in much more detail below, should convince any half-rational person that gender medicine is not operating like any other field of medicine. Based on a radical concept of “gender identity,” this medical anomaly preys upon the body-image insecurities common among pubescent minors to bill health insurance companies for permanent cosmetic procedures that often leave their patients with permanently altered bodies, damaged endocrine systems, sexual dysfunction, and infertility.

* * *

Detailed Timeline of Events

On October 6, 2022, I responded to my Ob-Gyn’s email to tell her that, after some thought, I’d decided that maybe the label “cis woman” didn’t truly reflect who I was. After all, I did have some tomboyish tendencies. I told her I would like my records to be changed to reflect my newly realized “nonbinary” identity, and that my new pronouns were they/them. I also voiced my desire to be put in touch with an endocrinologist to discuss starting testosterone treatment.

Fifteen minutes later I received an email from another Kaiser doctor informing me that my medical records had been changed, and that once my primary doctor returned to the office, I’d be able to speak with her about hormone therapy.

I responded the following day (October 7, 2022), thanking her for changing my records, and asking if she could connect me with someone who could help me make an appointment for “top surgery” (i.e., a cosmetic double mastectomy) because my chest binder was rather “uncomfortable after long days and playing tennis.”

She told me to contact my primary care MD to “get things rolling,” and that there were likely to be “preliminary evaluations.”

Six days after contacting my primary care MD for a referral, I received an email from one of Kaiser’s gender specialists asking me to schedule a phone appointment so she could better understand my goals for surgery, so that I could get “connected to care.” This call to review my “gender affirming treatment options and services” would take 15-20 minutes, after which I would be “booked for intake,” allowing me to proceed with medical transition.

This wasn’t an evaluation of whether surgical transition was appropriate, it was simply a meeting for me to tell them what I wanted so that they could provide it.

On October 18, I had my one and only in-person appointment in preparation for top surgery. I met in Davis with my primary care physician, Dr. Hong-wen Xue. The assessment was a 10-minute routine physical exam that included blood tests. Everything came back normal. Notably, there was not a single question about why I wanted top surgery or cross-sex hormones. Nor was there any discussion of the risks involved with these medical treatments.

The following week, on October 24, I had a phone appointment with Rachaell Wood, MFT, a gender specialist with Kaiser Sacramento. The call lasted 15 minutes and consisted of standard questions about potential drug use, domestic violence, guns in the house, and whether I experienced any suicidal thoughts. There were no questions from the gender specialist about my reasons for requesting a mastectomy or cross-sex hormones, or why I suddenly, at 52, decided I was “nonbinary.”

After the call, Kaiser emailed me instructions about how to prepare for my pre-surgery intake video appointment to evaluate my mental health, scheduled to take place on November 15. The email stated that prior to my appointment, I should research hormone risks on the WPATH website, and to “research bilateral mastectomy and chest reconstruction surgery risks and recovery” on Kaiser’s website.

I decided to request a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy and phalloplasty. Kaiser sent me a sample timeline for gender transition surgery preparation (see below) that you can use as a reference for the process. I also asked for a prescription for cross-sex hormones (testosterone) as needed and recommended by Kaiser.

[ Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part I

This “Mental Health Visit” assessment was conducted over Zoom. The Kaiser gender specialist started with questions addressing my marital status, race, gender identity, and other demographics. She asked whether I was “thinking of any other surgeries, treatments in the future.” The list she read included “gender-affirming” hysterectomies, bottom surgeries such as metoidioplasty and phalloplasty, vocal coaching, support groups, and body contouring. “Anything else you might be interested in doing?” she asked. I said that I’d perhaps be interested in body contouring. I was also assured that all the procedures would be covered by insurance because they were considered “medically necessary.”

I dropped in several red flags regarding my mental health to see the reaction, but all were ignored. For instance, I revealed that I had PTSD. When the therapist asked me about whether I had experienced any “childhood trauma,” I explained that I grew up in Mexico City and had been groped several times and had also witnessed men masturbating in public and had been grabbed by men in subways and buses. “I was a young girl, so [I had] lots of experiences of sexual harassments, sexual assault, just the kind of stuff that happens when you are a girl growing up in a big city.” “So, you know,” I finished, “just the general feeling that you are unsafe, you know, in a female body.”

The therapist did not respond to my disclosure that trauma could be the cause of my dysphoria. Instead of viewing this trauma as potentially driving my desire to escape my female body through hormones and surgery, she asked whether there is anything “important that the surgery team should be aware of” regarding my “history of trauma,” such as whether I’d be comfortable with the surgeon examining and marking my chest prior to surgery.

When asked about whether I had had any “psychotic symptoms,” I told her that while I had had no such symptoms, my mother had a delusional nervous breakdown in her 50s because she had body dysmorphia and became convinced she had a growth on her neck that needed to be removed. I told her that my mother was then admitted to an inpatient hospital for severe depression. I asked her whether she ever sees patients with body dysmorphia and whether I could have potentially inherited that from my mother. She told me that psychosis was hereditary, but that it was “highly unlikely” that there was any connection between body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria.

I enthusiastically waved more mental health red flags, waiting to see if she would pick up on any of them.

I’m just wondering if my feelings, or perseverating, or feeling like these breasts make me really unhappy and I just don’t want them anymore!...I’m just not sure if that’s a similar feeling to body dysmorphia? How do you decide which one is gender dysphoria and general body dysmorphia, and just not liking something about your body? Feeling uncomfortable with your body? And I did have an eating disorder all through college. I was a distance runner in college so I had bulimia and anorexia, you know. So I don’t know if that’s related to gender dysphoria?

The therapist replied, “I completely appreciate your concerns, but I am going to ask you questions about your chest, about your expectations. And then I’ll be able to give you an assessment.” She also said the main difference between my mom’s situation and mine was that my mom didn’t really have a growth on her neck, whereas it’s “confirmed” that I actually have “chest tissue.” Furthermore, she said that while “historically there has been all this pressure on patients to be like ‘Are you really, really sure you want hormones? Are you 100% sure?’ We are a little more relaxed.” She continued, “As long as you are aware of the risks and the side-effects, you can put your toe in the water. You can stop ‘T’ [testosterone], you can go back and do it again later! You can stop it! You can stop it! You know what I mean?”

Because we ran out of time, I scheduled a follow-up phone meeting on December 27, 2022 with a different gender specialist to complete my mental health assessment for top surgery.

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part II

During this meeting, Guneet Kaur, LCSW, another Kaiser gender specialist (she/her/they/them pronouns) told me that she regretted the “gatekeeping vibe” of the meeting but assured me that since I have been “doing the work,” her questions are essentially just a form of “emotional support” before talking with the medical providers.

She asked me about what I’d been “looking into as far as hormones.” I told her that I’d be interested in taking small doses of testosterone to counterbalance my female feelings to achieve “a feeling that’s kind of neutral.”

When she asked me about me “not feeling like I match on the outside what I feel on the inside,” I dropped more red flags, mentioning my aversion to wearing dresses and skirts.

I don’t own a single dress or a skirt and haven't in 20 years. I think for me it’s been just dressing the way that’s comfortable for me, which is just wearing, jeans and sweatshirts and I have a lot of flannel shirts and, and I wear boots all the time instead of other kinds of shoes. So I think it’s been nice being able to dress, especially because I work from home now most of the time that just a feeling of clothing being one of the ways that I can feel more non-binary in my everyday life.

She responded, “Like having control over what you wear and yeah. Kind of that feeling of just, yeah, this is who I am today. That’s awesome. Yeah.”

She then asked me to describe my dysphoria, and I told her that I didn’t like the “feeling of the female form and being chesty,” and that because I am going through menopause, I wanted to start taking testosterone to avoid “that feeling of being like this apple-shaped older woman.” “Good. Okay, great,” she responded, reminding me that only “top surgery,” not testosterone, would be able to solve my chest dysphoria. (Perhaps it was because all these meetings were online, they didn’t notice I’m actually fit and relatively slender at 5’-5” and 130 pounds, and not apple-shaped at all.)

She told me that we had to get through a few more questions related to my medical history before “we can move on to the fun stuff, which is testosterone and top surgery.”

The “fun stuff” consisted of a discussion about the physical and mood changes I could expect, and her asking me about the dose of testosterone I wanted to take and the kind of “top surgery” technique I’d prefer to achieve my “chest goals.” She told me that all or most of my consultations for surgeries and hormones would be virtual.

The gender specialist told me after the appointment, she would submit my referral to the Multi-Specialty Transitions Clinic (MST) team that oversees “gender expansive care.” They would follow up to schedule a “nursing call” with me to review my medical history, after which they’d schedule my appointment with a surgeon for a consultation. Her instructions for this consultation were to “tell them what you’re wanting for surgery and then they share with you their game plan.”

[ Decision-making slide to help me identify my goals for top surgery–flat chest, nipple sensation, or minimal scarring. Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

She told me that Kaiser has a team of plastic surgeons who “only work with trans and nonbinary patients because there’s just so much need for them.” She asked about my priorities for chest surgery, such as whether I value flatness over nipple sensation. I learned about double incision top surgery with nipple grafts, as well as “keyhole,” “donut,” “buttonhole,” and “Inverted-T” top surgeries.

By the end of the hour-long appointment, I had my surgery referral and was ready for my “nursing call” appointment.

Nursing call with Nurse Coordinator from the Transgender Surgery and Gender Pathways Clinic at Kaiser San Francisco

On January 19, 2023, I had my nursing call with the Nurse Coordinator. He first said that “the purpose of this call is just for us to go through your chart together and make sure everything’s as accurate as possible.” Once that was done, my referral would be sent to the surgeon for a consultation.

He asked me about potential allergies and recreational drug use, and verified that I was up to date on mammograms, pap smears, and colon cancer screenings, as well as vaccines for flu and COVID. I verified my surgical history as well as my current medications and dietary supplements.

He told me about a “top surgery class” available for patients where one of the Kaiser surgeons “presents and talks about surgical techniques and options within top surgery,” and includes a panel of patients who have had top surgery. I signed up for the February 8th class.

Within 10 minutes he told me that he had “sent a referral to the plastic surgery department at Kaiser Sacramento,” and that I should be hearing from them in the next week or two to schedule a consultation.

Appointment for Testosterone

On January 27, I had a 13-minute online appointment with a primary care doctor at Kaiser Davis to discuss testosterone. The doctor verified my name and preferred pronouns, and then directly asked: “So, what would you like to do? What kind of physical things are you looking for?”

I told her I wanted facial hair, a more muscular and less “curvy” physique, and to feel stronger and androgynous. She asked me when I wanted to start, and I told her in the next few months. She asked me if I was menopausal, whether I had ovaries and a uterus, although that information should have been on my chart.

The doctor said she wanted me to come in to get some labs so she could check my current estrogen, testosterone, and hemoglobin levels before starting hormones. Then “we'll set the ball in motion and you'll be going. We’ll see you full steam ahead in the direction you wanna go.”

That was it. I made an appointment and had my lab tests done on February 12. My labs came back on February 14, and the following day, after paying a $5 copay at the Kaiser pharmacy, I picked up my testosterone pump. That was easy!

Top Surgery Consultation

On the same day I received my labs, I had a Zoom surgery consultation with Karly Autumn-Kaplan, MD, Kaiser Sacramento plastic surgeon. This consultation was all about discussing my “goals” for surgery, not about whether surgery was needed or appropriate.

I told the surgeon that I wanted a “flatter, more androgynous appearance.” She asked me some questions to get a better idea of what that meant for me. She said that some patients want a “male chest,” but that others “want to look like nothing, like just straight up and down, sometimes not even nipples.” Others still wanted their chest to appear slightly feminine and only “slightly rounded.” I told her that I’d like my chest to have a “male appearance.”

“What are your thoughts about keeping your nipples?” she asked. “Are you interested in having nipples or would you like them removed?” I told her that I’d like to keep my nipples, but to make them “smaller in size.” She asked me if I’d like them moved to “the edge of the peck muscle” to achieve “a more male appearance.” I said yes.

I was asked to show my bare chest from the front and side, which I did. Then she asked me how important it was for me to keep my nipple sensation. I replied that it was important unless it would make recovery more difficult or there were other associated risks. She highlighted the problem with the free nipple graft, saying that removing the nipple to relocate it means “you're not gonna have sensation in that nipple and areola anymore.” However, some nipple sensation could be preserved by keeping it attached to “a little stalk of tissue” with “real nerves going to it,” but that would require leaving more tissue behind. I told her I’d go for the free nipple graft to achieve a flatter appearance. It was also suggested I could skip nipple reconstruction entirely and just get nipples “tattooed” directly onto my chest.

She told me I was “a good candidate for surgery,” and put me on the surgery wait list. She said that the wait time was between three and five months, but a cancellation could move me up to a sooner date. Also, if I wanted surgery as soon as possible, I could tell the surgery scheduler that I’d be willing to have any of the other three surgeons perform my mastectomy. Outpatient top surgery would cost me a copay of $100.

They contacted twice, in February and March, notifying me of cancellations. If I had accepted and shown up on those dates, they would have removed my breasts. This would have been less than five months from the time I first contacted Kaiser to inform them of my new “nonbinary” gender identity.

How Far Can I Go?

I decided to see how easy it would be for me to get approved for a phalloplasty. Known euphemistically as “bottom surgery,” phalloplasty is the surgical creation of an artificial penis, generally using tissue from the thigh or arm.

I sent an email on March 1, 2023, requesting to have a phalloplasty and concurrent hysterectomy scheduled alongside my mastectomy.

Two weeks later, on March 16th, I had a 16-minute phone call with a gender specialist to discuss my goals for bottom surgery and obtain my referral.

During the call, I explained to the specialist that I wasn’t sure about taking testosterone anymore because I was already quite athletic and muscular, and that taking testosterone didn’t make much sense to me. Instead, I wanted bottom surgery so that I wouldn’t feel like my “top” didn’t match my “bottom.” I told her:

But what I really wanted was to have bottom surgery. So this way when I have my top surgery, which sounds like it could be very soon, that I’ll be aligned, that I won’t have this sense of dysphoria with one part of my body and the other part feeling like it matched who I am. So yeah. So I just did a little bit more research into that. And I looked at the resources on the Kaiser page for the MST clinic and I think I know what I want, which is the hysterectomy and then at the same time or soon after to be able to have a phalloplasty.

I told her that I wanted to schedule the top and bottom surgery concurrently so that I wouldn’t have to take more time off work and it would save me trips to San Francisco or Oakland, or wherever I had to go for surgery.

None of this gave the gender specialist pause. After a brief conversation about some online resources to look over, she told me that she would “submit the referral now and we’ll get this ball rolling.”

Bottom surgery would cost me a copay of $200, which included a couple of days in the hospital for recovery.

Phalloplasty Surgical Consultation with Nurse Coordinator

On May 16, 2023, I had a short surgical consultation with a nurse coordinator to go through my medical history. This was similar to the consultation for top surgery but included information about hair removal procedures for the skin on my “donor site” that would be fashioned into a makeshift penis. They also went over the procedures for determining which donor site—forearm or thigh—was more viable.

After only 15 minutes, she submitted my referral to the surgeon for another surgical consultation.

On May 25 I received an email from my phalloplasty surgeon’s scheduler, informing me that they have received my referral and are actively working on scheduling, but that they are experiencing delays.

I ended my investigation here once I had the referral for the top and bottom surgery. I never used my testosterone pump.

Final Thoughts

In fewer than 300 days, based on a set of superficial and shifting thoughts about my gender and my “embodiment goals” triggered by the mere mention of “gender” in a form letter from my primary care physician, and driven by what could only be described as minor discomforts, Kaiser Permanente’s esteemed “multi-disciplinary team” of “gender specialists” was willing, with enthusiasm—while ignoring mental health concerns, history of sexual trauma, and rapidly escalating surgical requests—to prescribe life-altering medications and perform surgeries to remove my breasts, uterus, and vagina, close my vaginal opening, and attempt a complex surgery with high failure and complication rates to create a functionless representation of a penis that destroys the integrity of my arm or thigh in the process.

This describes the supposedly meticulous, lengthy, and safety-focused process that a Kaiser patient must undergo to embark on a journey to medically alter their body. No clinician questioned my motivations. No one showed concern that I might be addressing a mental health issue through radical and irreversible interventions that wouldn’t address my amorphous problems. There were no discussions about how these treatments would impact my long-term health, romantic relationships, family, or sex life. I charted the course. The clinicians followed my lead without question. The guiding issue was what I wanted to look like.

No other medical field operates with this level of carelessness and disregard for patient health and welfare. No other medical field addresses issues of self-perception with surgery and labels it “medically necessary.” No other medical field is this disconnected from the reality of the patients it serves.

Kaiser has traded medicine for ideology. It’s far beyond time we stop the ruse of considering “gender-affirming” interventions as anything approaching medical care.

This isn’t the first time Kaiser Permanente has been in the news for completely disregarding medical safeguards in the name of “gender-affirming care.” As girls, Chloe Cole and Layla Jane became convinced that they were born in the wrong body and were actually boys on the inside. Doctors at Kaiser ignored their underlying conditions and instead prescribed testosterone and removed their breasts. Both Cole and Jane have since detransitioned and are currently suing Kaiser.

The fact that children and vulnerable adults are being exploited in this massive ideological experiment is not just tragic; it’s deeply disturbing, especially considering it has evolved into a billion-dollar industry.

I hope that by sharing my story, I can bring more focused scrutiny to the medical scandal unfolding not just at Kaiser but also at medical centers and hospitals across the Western world. These institutions have completely abandoned medical safeguards for patients who claim to be confused about their “gender,” and I aim to awaken more parents and assist them in protecting their children.

This is completely insane.

Apologists online are running around saying, but she didn't mean it, she was lying, she was pretending...

It doesn't matter.

Any kind of security, penetration or integrity test is insincere too. When security researchers compromise Microsoft's operating system or Google's browser or whatever, "but they didn't mean it" is not a defence to a discovered security flaw. It doesn't matter that the security researchers didn't plan to steal data or money or identities. The flaw in the system is there regardless.

It doesn't matter that it was insincere. Because the workers didn't know that. They never checked, never asked questions, never tested. They had been taught and instructed to never ask any questions. They did what they were supposed to. And the system failed spectacularly. Because that's what "gender affirming care" means.

Additionally, the claim that Beth Bourne committed fraud is an outright lie. A patient cannot bill. They do not have the authority. The medical clinic is the only one that can bill, and they must supply a diagnosis and a medical necessity.

If they didn't diagnose her and just wrote down what she said, then they committed fraud. If they claim they did diagnose her, then they committed fraud, because the diagnosis they concocted was bogus. This, by the way, is actually going on. Clinics are reporting fake endocrine and other disorders to get blockers, hormones and other interventions. Jamie Reed and other whistleblowers have documented evidence of this. Beth Bourne is not responsible for what the clinic does. They have medical licenses and legal responsibility. Not her.

Additionally, anyone who actually read the article would know how she tested the system. She said things like, "I've always been not that feminine. So, maybe I get my boobs removed." And they said, "sure." Instead of saying, "wait, why do you think that?" Framing it as her lying is itself a lie. They violated their ethical obligations. That much is incontrovertible. And it's directly the result of "gender affirming care," where clinics and clinicians rubber-stamp anything deemed "trans" based entirely on ideological, not medical, grounds.

#Beth Bourne #undercover #undercover investigation #gender identity ideology #queer theory #nonbinary #non binary #top surgery #bottom surgery #double mastectomy #bilateral mastectomy #gender affirming care #gender affirming healthcare #gender affirmation #affirmation model #medical scandal #medical malpractice #medical corruption #religion is a mental illness

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yeoldenews · 3 months

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I don't know how much you think about it, but you wrote a post back in Mar 2020:

"A sincere request from someone who has spent her entire adult life wishing people had kept better records…In the coming weeks and months… RECORD WHAT IS HAPPENING."

That post got me to start properly journaling properly, after trying and failing when I was younger. A majority of it is 'just' day-to-day progress updates on my fiction writing, but there's a bit of stuff about my life, and some briefer stuff about the world beyond. Not a lot, but some. Four (and change) years, and my journal is just short of 186K words.

I remembered your post, seeing today's SCOTUS decisions. I remembered your post, and I remembered a line you'd written: "Are you scared to death? Write it down."

I just...I don't know. I just wanted you to know your post made an impact, and I don't know what the fuck is coming over the next week and month and year and decade, but...I'm writing shit down. I'm writing shit down, and it's all because of your post.

You have no idea how much this means to me, and how badly I needed to hear it this week - so thank you. Truly. I am genuinely moved, and so proud of you for your 186k words.

History is made up of the stories people decided to save - and the first step to making sure a story gets saved is writing it down.

I really, really hate writing. Like more than just about anything. I'm a chronic perfectionist, and it can take me a whole afternoon to finish a single paragraph I'm satisfied with. (I spent three days writing this response, and you don't even want to know how long I spend on some of the things I post.) So keeping a journal is not a task I'd ever felt the need to afflict myself with before the pandemic. When I made the post you referenced, my journaling habit was all of ten days old but, against all the odds, here I am over four years later having never (to my recollection) missed a single day.

My daily records of what my cats are doing, and your day-to-day writing progress may not be extensively poured over by future scholars, but for only a few minutes of effort a day we now have recorded hundreds of stories.

And who knows what the people of the future might find fascinating. I'm sure the teenage girl in Philadelphia who smudged the letter she was writing in 1897 because a bee scared her would be absolutely baffled that thousands of people were still laughing about the incident 125 years later.

So much of history, and life in general, doesn't become clear until long after the fact. Historical records are full of people overreacting about events that ended up having very little significance in hindsight, and under-reacting about events they no had no idea were about to change the world. But being able to go back and see what people wrote in the moment, preserving their honest thoughts and hopes and fears, is about as close as you can get to time travel.

Maybe what we fear will come true and we're recording history, maybe we'll look back on what we wrote today and go "phew! that was a close one!", or maybe nothing will come of it at all - I pray it will be the last one, but, whatever the outcome, it's worth writing down.

(Also voting. Please, please vote.)

#and it doesn't have to just be writing #some of my favorite pieces of history I've recorded are photographs and videos and doodles #the most human thing we can do is leave the world with a few more stories #asks #journaling #history #current events #writing

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worriedvision · 10 months

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Your family consider you a failure - Wriothesley, Neuvillette

Okay so this is a very self-indulgent fic, basically reader had to drop out of university after they hit a real low with their health. A lot of mentions about being a quitter, and being a potential criminal and/or spoilt brat. It's a happy ending, although this is an angst plot. Wriothesley's one is longer than Neuvillette's...

Wriothesley:

When he asked when he would be meeting your parents, you were hesitant to take him. Your relationship with your family was shaky, and it didn't help that you still hadn't been able to 'pick yourself up'. It led to an argument, with Wriothesley talking about how lucky you were for having a family and you lashing out at him for trying to guilt you into taking him along for dinner. Your parents had heard of your relationship, and they were in favour of meeting the man. He was the Administrator, after all.

After some insistence, you finally invite him to meet your family. He fails to hide his excitement, asking what your family likes as he thinks of what teas he could take along as a gift, meanwhile you were preparing yourself for the family ripping your name apart and playing Cupid for another family member who accomplished more than you did.

"Oh, you must be Wriothesley!" Your mother greets your boyfriend, not you, at the door. "Please, come on in! We've been begging for our child to invite you over."

"Oh, I've been looking forward to this as well. It's nice to put a face to your family name."

Oh, our child is known for being a slacker with important things. Enough about them, I'll introduce you to everyone else!" Your mother giggles, Wriothesley just following in confusion at the sentence.

You stand outside for an extra minute, needing a moment to gather yourself. Unfortunately, your least favourite relative comes along.

"Come on, if you aren't careful I'm going to steal your boyfriend. He's a hot piece of action!"

Wriothesley didn't speak to you at the dinner table. In fact, he was silent. Staring at the table, he seems out of it.

"Oh, we have to tell you about (cousin)'s achievements. They are so gifted and talented!"

Oh crap, here we go. Your cousin brags about all of their degrees and qualifications, smirking at you whenever you'd make eye contact with them, and trying to impress Wriothesley. You were worried that your boyfriend was thinking about leaving you for one of your family members, especially with the jabs your mother made at the start of the meeting.

"_'s silent...Oh, sorry, I forgot you gave up." Your cousin chuckles. "I mean, failing to complete a degree and hiding behind health? Spoilt brat if you ask me." They continue. "Probably had to commit theft to keep their accommodation, how shameful."

"That's not true!" You plead, noting Wriothesleys shaking. "I've worked towards supporting myself."

"Oh, so you were lying about your health? Disgusting."

You hear a glass shatter in Wriothesleys direction, and upon looking over you gasp in horror. His hand had crushed the glass, now harmed by the glass.

"Is that what you think of people who can't get lots of qualifications? Well, let me tell you something." Wriothesley grumbles, hand still clenching as you try to calm him down. "I don't have degrees, nothing fancy. In fact, I have a criminal record, are you going to tell me I am a failure?"

"Well no, but-"

"In fact, I i think you are a failure of a human being if you are so close minded as to assume there is only one measure of intelligence." Wriothesley stands up, slamming his hands down on the table. You hold his unharmed hand, but this only makes him continue. "I do spoil _, but I do that because I love them. I am proud of my partner for picking themselves up, and I am ashamed they have you as a family."

"Oh? Didn't mean to strike a nerve there. Are your family-"

"Come, my love, we're leaving." Wriothesley tuts, you run to catch up with him. You hear your family call for you, your cousin calling you a gold digger as you keep going.

Upon your return back at the Fortress of Meropede, Wriothesley turns around and holds you close.

"I'm sorry for forcing you,"

You shake your head, crying into his chest as the long wait for the elevator to reach your floor continues. "I should have told you."

"What? That you're human? I'm not perfect either." Wriothesley sighs. Hearing a drip on the floor, you pull away, looking down at his harmed hand.

"Let's get your hand sorted."

---

Neuvillette:

When you proposed to Neuvillette, he requested to ask your parents for approval. He knew that some people would be intimidated by him, and approval from your family would reassure him you wouldn't get affected by this. Figuring it would be a quick visit, you agree.

If only you remembered just how cruel your parents could be.

Your parents tore into you, disrespecting you for needing some time to recover after failing to succeed in your first plan. The implications are that you were a criminal and pointing out the irony of you dating the Ludex, adding in the possibility you gave him a 'bribe' to be innocent.

Neuvillette held your hand, running his thumb over the back of it, and you note the rain has started.

"I apologise, _, it appears I made a mistake in wishing to meet your family." He sighs, your parents furrowing their brows. "I won't request another meeting with your family, given their behaviour towards you. As your fiancé, I cannot accept this slander. I bid thee farewell."

Your boyfriend walks out, you following with a warm smile on your face as you realise you chose the best man you could.

#wriothesley x gender neutral reader #wriothesley x reader #wriothesley #gender neutral reader #angst #neuvillette x gender neutral reader #neuvillette x reader #neuvillette

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clarisse0o · 2 months

Text

Camp Wiegman-Part 25

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words: 5k

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Friday, December 18; 11:00 AM - School.

The bell rings, signaling the end of classes. I finally leave the classroom, leaving behind my last lessons of the year. They were certainly the longest I’ve ever endured since my last exam. I’ve never been so excited to get out of here. My things were already packed even before the final announcement. I run out without waiting for Alexia, who’s desperately calling after me in the hallway. I manage to avoid the rush and arrive in record time in front of Lucy’s office. I immediately scan the room for her, but she’s nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Bronze?” I ask, out of breath.

“Hello to you too, Ona,” Engen greets me. “She had to go to administration. She shouldn’t be long.”

“Thanks!” I say as I turn to leave.

“Hey! No running in the halls!” Engen reprimands me.

Her warning doesn’t stop me from continuing my sprint toward the entrance hall. I smile when I see Lucy making her way through the students rushing to leave. I dash towards her, causing her to frown as soon as she sees me. Before she has the chance to scold me, I leap onto her.

“What are you doing, Ona?” she growls sternly.

She tries to shake me off, but I tighten my legs around her waist. I’m too happy to care about the attention we’re drawing.

“I did it, Bronze! I did it!” I shout excitedly.

“What are you talking about?” she grumbles. “Let go of me!”

“It’s thanks to you! I passed almost all my subjects!”

My words stop her in her tracks. She stops struggling and looks me straight in the eyes. Her expression changes dramatically, making me beam with joy. The wait to show her all my makeup test scores that my homeroom teacher gave me during my last class was unbearable. I release my grip on her now that I have her full attention.

“Even though this is good news, never do that again… in public,” she scolds me. “Am I clear?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I reply indifferently.

I rummage through my bag and pull out all my makeup test papers. I put the first one we worked on together at the top—the one with the math equations. My teacher handed it back to me along with the rest since I was sick when it was returned and he forgot to give it to me earlier.

“Here, look.”

She sighs in annoyance and snatches the papers from my hands. She squints as she examines them. Her features soften, and her tense jaw relaxes. She looks back and forth between me and the first paper several times.

“An eighteen!? When did you take this one?”

“It was the first one you helped me study for. The equations, remember?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I got the highest grade,” I say proudly.

She smiles as she flips through the rest. I smile too, noticing that she’s genuinely interested. My grades range between eight and sixteen. They’re nothing like the ones I used to get, which ranged between three and nine. Thanks to her, my averages are going up, maybe even doubling if my last assignments of the week turned out well. It’s a huge leap forward.

“See, I told you there was no reason to worry. You drove yourself crazy for nothing, and you drove me crazy in the process!”

The pressure I had been carrying is released in a nervous chuckle. She surprises me by pulling me into a hug, even though a few students are still passing through the hall. I won’t complain and just let myself enjoy it. All my efforts have finally paid off.

“I’m proud of you.”

I smile against her shoulder, savoring those simple words. It’s hard to remember the last time someone said that to me. The fact that it’s coming from Lucy warms my heart. The emotion and relief are so overwhelming that a few tears escape without me realizing it. I step back to avoid breaking down and quickly wipe my eyes to hide any evidence of recent tears. Unfortunately, it seems she noticed, as she gently wipes the dampness from under my eyes with her thumbs.

“It’s all thanks to you…”

“I didn’t do anything special,” she says with a sincere smile.

“Yes, you did. You helped me, supported me… You’ve been there from the start and never gave up on me.”

“That’s not what you said when you first arrived.”

A throat clearing interrupts our moment, startling us. Our intimate moment could have been witnessed by anyone, but we relax when we see it’s only Engen.

“You’re both so reckless! Doing that in front of everyone! Imagine if Wiegman had seen this scene!”

If Engen weren’t so angry, I’d probably be laughing. It’s the first time I’ve seen her so mad. She’s usually in a teasing mood. Lucy doesn’t seem fazed; in fact, she seems amused by the situation.

“The chances were slim since I just came out of his office. But thanks for being so concerned.”

“Yeah, whatever,” she grumbles.

“Anyway, here, go eat. They’re waiting for you.”

I nod as I put my papers back in my bag. I wish them a good lunch before heading to the cafeteria. As I expected, everyone is already at the table. No one seems bothered by my delay. I’m sure Ale explained why. She knew I wanted to show my grades to Lucy. Anyway, everyone is too preoccupied with their upcoming holiday plans to notice my absence. In a few hours, we’ll all finally be home.

“Did you manage to ask Mapi about New Year’s?” Ale asks me.

“Well, no, I didn’t get the chance. She wasn’t feeling well, so I didn’t have the opportunity. I’ll ask her during the week and let you know.”

“Okay, we’ll go with that. We’ll be in touch anyway, right? Unless you decide to go radio silent for two weeks…”

“That wasn’t my plan,” I reply with a small smile.

“Phew! Because I’d miss you! Well, except maybe your snoring.”

“I don’t snore!” I protest.

“That’s what you say,” she teases.

“It only happened when I was sick because my nose was blocked,” I defend myself. “It doesn’t count.”

“You snore even when you’re not sick. I swear! Where’s Bronze? She’ll confirm it!”

“She wouldn’t know that,” I mutter.

“She watched over you all week. Of course she knows.”

“Ridiculous,” I roll my eyes.

Alexia laughs while I’m clearly annoyed by her claim. There’s no way I snore. Mapi can’t stand snoring. She would’ve said something if I did.

“So, is it true?” Alessia asks.

“Of course not,” I insist. “My ex would’ve kicked me out of bed if it were.”

“Seriously, she would’ve done that?” Alexia giggles. “Oh my God, I really need to meet her!”

“Who are we talking about?” Alessia asks, looking quite curious.

Alexia glances at me, biting her lip. Her slightly too obvious comment didn’t go unnoticed. Surprisingly, I don’t mind. It’s not like most of the people around the table don’t already know about my orientation. Alexia had encouraged me to tell them a while ago, so I did. However, she’s the only one who knows about Mapi.

“Mapi” I say hesitantly.

« Mapi as Mapi your best friend ? » Alessia ask.

I rub my neck, feeling awkward. No matter how many people know, this topic is still uncomfortable for me.

“It’s complicated. The only thing you need to know is that I m lesbian and we used to date but we broke up a long time ago.”

“Sorry,” Alexia grimaces. “It slipped out. I know you don’t like to talk about that. »

“It’s okay,” I say, offering her a reassuring smile.

She seems relieved by my words. Alexia is someone who doesn’t always think before she speaks when she’s excited. I can’t really blame her for being herself.

“You know, there’s no need to feel ashamed,” Alessia tells me. “I know it’s hard to come to terms with it—I’m a lesbian myself—but you get there with time.”

“Everyone is who they are. We don’t accept the same things or have the same background” I say more coldly than I intended.

We maintain eye contact, neither of us backing down. Her reaction slightly irritates me. What does it have to do with her anyway? It’s not like we’re close or she knows me well. She looks away, clearly hurt by my response. The table falls silent. Patri finally breaks the tension with a throat-clearing.

“So, what’s the first thing you’re going to do when you get home?”

Her subtle change of subject successfully shifts the mood. Everyone starts talking about their plans, and the conversation picks up again, excluding me. I hope I made my stance on my orientation clear. The last thing I need is rumors. If that happens, I’m sure the gossip about Lucy and me will only intensify. That would be unfortunate, especially now that she’s just starting to open up to me. My attention is drawn back to the table when I hear them discussing New Year’s again. Thanks to Ale’s comment, everyone now understands that Mapi is my ex. This new information doesn’t seem to have changed their minds about inviting her. If anything, they’re even more eager to meet her now. After that, we finally head back to our rooms. Alexia hasn’t stopped apologizing on the way back. She clearly feels guilty.

“Seriously, I really regret letting that slip.”

“It’s fine, I promise.”

“Why aren’t you mad? I don’t know, say something. You’re worrying me even more!”

“What was said?”

We turn towards the door as Lucy walks in. She looks at us curiously, as if she just realized she interrupted an important conversation.

“That Mapi is my ex. The others didn’t know.”

“Oh. And is that a problem for you?”

“No, but Alexia doesn’t seem to get it. She thinks I’m going to explode at her any second.”

“Wait… What? Bronze knows!? Since when? Don’t tell me she knew before I did!”

“Oh, Ale.”

I roll my eyes in exasperation. This girl never ceases to amaze me with her sudden mood shifts. Lucy, watching this unfold, smiles in amusement, probably noticing my frustration.

“I hope for your sake I knew before her,” she says, barely containing her laughter. “I’d be really offended if I didn’t.”

Lucy exaggerates the gesture, placing her hand over her heart to accompany her words. I respond to her joke with a middle finger. Then, I continue gathering my last belongings into my bag. I barely have time to grab anything before I find myself unceremoniously sprawled on my bed. I try to get up, but she quickly pins me down, leaving me unable to move. I recognize Lucy by her long brown hair tickling the tip of my nose.

"I'm not your friend here, so do that again and you'll regret it," she whispers in my ear. "Did I make myself clear?"

I groan, struggling against her unpleasant hold. All I manage is to tighten her grip on my wrists and legs. Her body traps me completely.

"Did I make myself clear?" she repeats. "You don't get to disrespect me like that."

"I understand. Let me go now," I plead. "I won't do it again."

My plea works. She gets up, releasing me. I stay on the mattress for a moment, regaining my senses with my eyes closed. Damn bad memories. I eventually get up, putting my headphones and phone in my bag. I gather my courage when it's time to face them. I don't even have time to react before Alexia pulls me into a hug.

"You better make sure to come for New Year's."

"I'll keep you posted. Have a good holiday."

"You too, sweetheart."

She kisses my cheek, lingering. I kiss her back before grabbing my luggage and leaving with my supervisor. She's the one taking me to the airport today, so I can't really avoid her right now. I’ve been out of it since we started walking. I haven't even looked at her yet. It's her arm around my shoulders that brings me back to reality.

"Hey. Is everything okay?"

"Hmm."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying."

"Is it about earlier? You've been acting strange since then."

"No," I mumble.

"Ona," she scolds me.

"Okay, fine. Maybe," I admit.

"Sorry, I had to act. Being here, we're sort of teaching you to enter the working world. If it had been your boss, you would have been fired. I'm not your friend here."

"I know, it's fine. I won't do it again."

"Tell me what's bothering you. Did I cross a line? I know very well that you have a problem with physical contact."

"How—"

"I notice your behaviors," she cuts me off. "I observe you, you know. You hesitated for a long time before letting me help you shower the first time. And you only allow closeness to people you trust or feel close to."

So she's been observing me… She must have noticed it a long time ago. I sigh, shaking my head. She knows I care about her. The only people whose touch I allow here are Alexia and her. It's unsettling to know she knows. She ruffles my hair.

"Sorry. I can't help it," she says with a soft smile.

"It's no problem…," I murmur.

We arrive at her car in silence. She parked it in the same outdoor lot as last time. We load the car, then hit the road. The music breaks the silence that had formed. I hum along to relax the atmosphere, and certainly to relax myself as well. When we arrive at the airport, she takes the time to help me and accompany me to the boarding gate, just like last time. It feels like a new, very pleasant routine is forming.

"Take advantage of the holidays to rest and clear your head. You need it after these last few weeks."

"That was my plan."

"Try not to forget me, either."

"That's not likely," I chuckle.

The intercom, which I now know by heart, calls me to order. I bite my lip as I look at Lucy. I don’t know how to say goodbye. She answers my question by pulling me into a hug.

"I'm going to miss you," I whisper.

"Write to me if you need anything."

"Can I write to you even if I don’t?" I ask, making her laugh.

"Of course. I'll respond as long as you don't overdo it. Send me a message when you arrive."

She surprises me by kissing my forehead. I close my eyes to savor this little moment before reluctantly pulling away from her.

"Have a great holiday."

"Thanks, you too," she replies with a smirk.

I head to the boarding gate. I use the waiting time to pull out my headphones and phone. When I reach the turn, I look back one last time to see if Lucy is still there. Seeing that she is, I give her one final wave before continuing to board the plane. I find the flight attendant I’ve befriended on previous flights. I greet her with a smile before taking my seat. And so it begins—two hours of flight ahead.

Friday, December 18; 11:00 PM - Barcelona Airport

I'm woken up by the young flight attendant who seems to enjoy taking care of me. We chatted a bit during the flight. I learned that her name is Shay. She asked me what I do for a living to be making so many trips back and forth across the continent. I answered that it’s for my studies without elaborating further. She’s really nice. As I exit the plane, I wish her a happy holiday. It's now time to meet Hector and Mapi. I smile when I see them. Mapi jumps into my arms the second she can. I hug her as tightly as I can. I quickly notice that she hasn’t bothered to wear makeup. That’s a sign she’s really not doing well. It’s rare for her not to put make up on. I wrap my arm around her shoulders before moving towards Hector, whom I greet with a big smile.

On the way back, Mapi didn’t want to talk, so I just kept her in my arms. That seemed to suit her. I took advantage of the quiet to notify Alexia and Lucy of my arrival. When we arrive at the house, I relieve Hector of his duties, telling him not to bother with my suitcase. I’ll take care of it myself tomorrow when the time comes. For now, I just want to get to my room as quickly as possible with Mapi. When we get there, I'm surprised but pleased not to see Joan. I would have liked to see him, but at least this way I can take care of my best friend properly. She remains very quiet. She sits on my bed while I find us some t-shirts to use as pajamas in my closet. She changes in the room while I go to the bathroom. I should shower, but I’ve decided to do that in the morning when Mapi will probably still be asleep.

Once ready, I return to the room to find Mapi under the covers. I glance at my phone, where I notice messages, but I decide to ignore them. I’ll respond tomorrow. I lie down next to Mapi, who immediately snuggles into my arms. I gently hold her, stroking her hair. It’s been a long time since we’ve been this close in bed. Lately, Joan was sleeping between us. Lucy was right about my issues with physical contact. The only people I can sleep with since I came back are Joan and Mapi. I’ve never tried with anyone else, but I know I wouldn’t be able to. My thoughts are interrupted by pressure on my lips. In a moment of panic, I push Mapi away to end the kiss.

"S-sorry," she stammers.

"What was that?" I ask, not delicately.

I can’t control my tone, taken aback by the surprise. I calm down when I see tears at the corners of her eyes. She’s so distraught.

« Map—"

"I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to! I just needed comfort. I don’t know what came over me."

"Okay, hey, calm down. It’s not that serious..."

I relax and open my arms for her to come back to me. This time, I think it’s for real. She clings to my t-shirt, soaking it without restraint. I take a deep breath and kiss the top of her head.

"It’s okay, let it all out," I whisper.

I hold her a little tighter as she finally lets her sobs go. It was about time she broke down. I stroke her back to reassure her.

"You’ll find someone else, Maps..."

"You don’t understand! You’re the first person I got serious with. When you left, I knew it would be hard to get into a new relationship."

"Map—"

"No, let me finish," she interrupts. "I trusted her and opened my heart to her again! She knew all about our history without knowing who you were. If she had dumped me for a reason, I would have understood, but no. That bitch couldn’t find anything better to do than cheat on me with your damn ex! I don’t even know who I should be angry with! What did I do to that puta to ruin all my relationships?"

I tense up, realizing who she’s talking about without her needing to name her. An inexplicable rage wells up inside me. But I quickly calm down when I see Mapi’s tear-filled eyes staring into mine. I feel so small.

"I-I’m so sorry," I say.

"It’s not your fault," she shakes her head.

"No, really. I want to apologize for what I did to you. I left you for someone else. I chose the easy way out instead of fighting against my depression, fighting for us."

I knew she had a hard time dealing with our breakup. It’s the first time we’ve talked about it since we reconnected. Of course, I had already apologized for leaving, but I had never apologized for breaking up. Her eyes soften.

"Ona..." she whispers.

"I-I feel so guilty for hurting you so much," I continue, my voice breaking. "If I hadn’t been a coward, maybe we’d still be together now. You deserved and still deserve so much better. You have no right to feel bad about all this crap. If anyone deserves happiness, it’s you!"

She smiles softly before snuggling back into me. I rest my head against hers, feeling relieved to have gotten this off my chest. It’s something I should have done a long time ago.

"I never blamed you, Ona... You may have made bad choices, but I understood them all with time. All that mattered to me was getting you back as a friend because I missed you terribly."

"I missed you so much too, Mapi. There wasn’t a moment I didn’t think about you."

"The best thing I ever did was write to you on your birthday a year ago. If I’d known it would bring you back, I would have contacted you sooner," she giggles.

"I might not have reacted the same way if you’d done it earlier..."

"Doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you’re here now and that you’re trying to get better... By the way, reassure me," she says, sitting up. "You don’t want anything more than friendship between us, right?"

"You’re the one asking me that?" I chuckle. "I’m not the one who kissed you five minutes ago."

"Yeah, well, um... I’m sorry about that little lapse... I was just upset. I wasn’t thinking about more. I really appreciate the new relationship we’ve built. I feel like we’ve become inseparable."

I smile at her and nod. She’s right. We were already close, but it was different. We were younger and bolder. I already saw myself spending my life with her, traveling the world. We’ve grown up since then, matured even. Right now, I don’t feel quite like an adult yet, even though I should start becoming one at my age. However, if I’ve learned anything in recent years, it’s that I shouldn’t distance myself from people like Mapi. Our feelings for each other have evolved, but that doesn’t stop us from being close. She’s become indispensable to me. If something were to happen between us again, in my opinion, it should have been when I returned. But that would have been selfish of me, knowing that I was the one who left her. So I simply accepted the friendship she offered me. It wasn’t a negligible support given the situation I was in when I came back home. It was probably the best decision of my life. I believe that even more now, seeing where we are today. Inseparable, that’s the word. If there’s one thing I don’t want, it’s to lose her or hurt her again.

"We are," I murmur. "I don’t want our relationship to change."

She smiles at me before nestling her head into my neck. She lets out a contented sigh. Yeah, this situation couldn’t be better; we both know it. We won’t abandon each other again, no matter the circumstances.

- "No offense, but I never liked Ana," I admitted.

- "I knew that," she chuckled softly. "Why don’t you ever tell me these things?"

- "She was your girlfriend, and you seemed happy. As long as you’re happy, I don’t care who you’re with, and I’ll support you no matter what. But don’t be too upset that this relationship didn’t work out. I know it’s painful, but I’m sure you’ll find the right person when the time is right."

- "Hmm, not right now, at least. I’d rather take a step back."

- "I forbid you from going back to your one-night stands," I grumbled.

- "That wasn’t my intention. I think I really need to find myself, you know?"

- "Yeah…" I sighed.

A soothing silence settled between us. This conversation had been quite enriching. Mapi was finally relaxed. I could hear her gentle, steady breathing. Unfortunately, my curiosity risked breaking this moment of peace.

- "How did she meet Feli?" I asked gently.

- "I get the feeling she’s been coming to my parties more and more, like she’s looking for you."

- "Oh..."

- "I don’t even know who’s to blame between the two of them," she growled. "I think I hate them both. Anyway, enough talking," she said, sitting up. "You’ve got two weeks to distract me! How about we start by going to the amusement park tomorrow? I bought tickets. We’ll bring Joan; he’ll love it."

- "Why not, sure. I have a suggestion for you too. I was going to wait to ask, but now that you’ve brought it up, this might be the best way to get you out of here."

- "Well, I’m listening. What do you propose, Onita?"

- "My group of friends from school is celebrating New Year’s together in Manchester. They’re inviting us to join them... Alexia really wants to meet you, and I really want to go... Please, say yes!"

- "Alexia, huh? She’s the one who’s taken my place over there, admit it! Or no, wait. Even better, it’s Bronze!"

- "Don’t be ridiculous," I rolled my eyes. "No one can take your place, silly. Come on, it would be the best way to meet my new friends. I’m sure you’ll love them."

- "I don’t know…" she pretended to think. "I’m sure you’ll abandon me and leave me on my own all night."

- "Liar," I giggled. "We both know it’ll be you who abandons me as soon as you feel comfortable."

- "Yeah... You’re probably right."

She laughed heartily, making me smile. Maybe I’m not so bad at cheering people up after all. At least I managed to make her laugh.

- "You’re so silly. My answer was already yes as soon as you asked. We’ve got nothing left to do here anyway. And we’re not risking a night out if Feli is after you."

- "Yeah..."

- "Plus, I’ll finally get to meet your new friends. It’s an opportunity not to be missed, right?"

- "Uh-huh," I said with a smile.

- "Can I meet your supervisor too, since we’ll be in Manchester ? I’d like to see what she looks like."

- "How would we do that? I have no contact with her outside of school."

- "You’ve got her number."

- "So? She’s not my friend, she’s my supervisor. She wouldn’t want to."

- "Oh come on, there’s definitely more between you two, considering how she took care of you during your withdrawal and flu. She even gave you private tutoring sessions for your exams. We all know what ‘private tutoring’ means these days," she said, miming air quotes.

- "Good Lord, Maps," I protested. "That’s not it at all!"

She burst out laughing at my reaction. I didn’t find her implication very funny. If I’m getting comments like this here, what must the students at school be thinking? I’m starting to regret telling her everything.

- "Get that idea out of your head," I grimaced. "And don’t you dare say anything like that in front of others when we’re in Manchester."

- "Oh my God, that’s right... We’re actually going there."

This girl exasperates me. She never thinks things through. Sometimes I wonder how she managed to get to her third year in mechanical engineering. I’m not going to complain because it’s her carefree attitude that saved me. Without her crazy plans, I’d probably still be moping in bed every evening after coming home from rehab.

- "But, but, how are we going to do this? I don’t have the money to buy a ticket!"

- "Calm down," I chuckled. "I’ll pay for the trip. Consider it part of your Christmas gift."

- "I can’t accept that."

- "It wasn’t an option. I have a yearly pass, so I get tickets cheaper, and it’s my mom’s money anyway, so I’m not the one directly paying," I shrugged.

- "Alright... By the way, speaking of Christmas..."

- "Yeah?"

- "My parents left to visit family for two weeks. I was supposed to spend the holidays with Ana and her family... She wanted to officially introduce me."

- "Oh... Well, you can stay here. At least I won’t have to endure my fake family alone."

She giggled immediately. "You’ve never accepted them."

- "Whose fault is that?"

- "Let’s not talk about things that upset us. I don’t want us to argue right now."

- "A very good idea. I’ll tell Sam to set an extra plate for you."

- "Are you sure it won’t be a problem?"

- "Of course not. You already know everyone anyway. I don’t care if they complain. My mom won’t say no after our last conversation."

- "What conversation?" she frowned.

- "Nothing important. We argued when we talked about my withdrawal. I kind of hinted that she never trusted me."

- "You didn’t tell me about that..."

- "No, I only briefly mentioned it to Bronze. I didn’t really want to talk about it."

- "Hmm, Bronze, huh!"

- "Stop it," I groaned. "You win, it’s time to sleep."

- "I was joking," she chuckled.

- "Well, it’s not funny."

I turned over to turn off the light and lay down, ready to sleep. But Mapi didn’t seem to get the message as she climbed right over me to turn my lamp back on. I groaned to show my annoyance.

- "What now?" I grumbled.

- "It was a joke! I didn’t know you were so sensitive."

- "I’m not sensitive," I sighed. "I’m just already tired of the rumors at school. I don’t need you adding to them here. There’s nothing between us, OK? She just gives me everything that no one else ever has, that’s all. That’s the only reason she’s special to me. I’m not interested in her in the way you think."

- "Alright, sorry. I won’t tease you about it anymore."

- "Thanks."

I grumbled when she climbed over me again to turn off the light. She snuggled up against me, trying to find a comfortable position. I smiled at this.

- "Mapi. You know I don’t like sleeping on my back, right?"

She groaned in frustration, realizing I wasn’t planning to stay in this position just after she’d found hers.

- "Fine... But can I still sleep in your arms, or is that too much to ask?"

- "Of course you can."

I rolled onto my side and opened my arms. She nestled into them, making sure to tuck her head into my neck. It had been a long time since we’d slept so closely together. I have to admit, I missed it. We finally wished each other good night, and I drifted off with a small smile on my face.

#woso #lucy bronze #woso community #barca femeni #ona batlle #woso soccer #lionesses #sefutbol fem #ona batlle x lucy bronze #mapi leon #mapi león #alexia putellas #alessia russo

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mirrorballhughes · 11 months

Text

I MISS YOU IM SORRY

luke hughes x adelaide hunter

starting us off with a good old instagram edit, some text messages and a lil in real life !! so enjoy :)

adelaidehunter

liked by stormallen, jackhughes, _quinnhughes and 115,130 others

adelaidehunter AHHH. words can not express how excited i am to say MY DEBUT ALBUM “good riddance” is out june 21st!!! ALSO “where do we go now?” is out TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT!!

its difficult to imagine these songs living anywhere other than my most secret places, but rutger is my biggest supporter and reminded me that holding space for brutal honesty in songwriting is kind of the whole point.

i feel an unbelievable amount of gratitude for the opportunity to have made this album. writing this record allowed me to grow up in ways i needed to. it forced me to reflect and be accountable. it allowed me to walk away from versions of myself that i no longer recognize. it allowed me to let go.

also a big shoutout to my sister thats not blood, storm. shes one of the few people in this world capable of making others feel safe to their core when they are exploring the parts of themselves that are most raw. storm is rare and generous. im so glad you are my roommate, but fuck the canes btw!! ;)

thank you all for the support!!! im so nervous. im so relieved. i hope with my whole heart that theres something in here that makes you feel less alone. ill be thanking you all for the rest of my life for taking this record and making it yours!!! JUNE TWENTY FIRST!! AHHH see you at midnight!! <3

tagged: stormallen, rutgermcgroarty

COMMENTS

_quinnhughes Della!! I’m so proud of you! Cant waif to celebrate with you :)

adelaidehunter QUNNIIE!! thank you. see u soon

jackhughes Adds so proud of you.

adelaidehunter thx jacks. see u soon :)

user2 this album is gonna be so good.

user5 anyone think its gonna be about luke…

user6 u might be on to something..

user10 but his brothers commented??

user13 they are family friends, grew up together.

User30 Oh ik that tension in their summer lake house is gonna go CRAZY.

rutgermcgroarty STAR IS SHINNING !!

adelaidehunter thx!

stormallen MY GIRL!! I CANF WAIT TO LISTEN ( already have)

rutgermcgroarty yeah me too u arent special!

edwards.73 HEY I HEARD IT ASWELL!!

umichhockey i think we all heard it🙄

adelaidehunter I LOVE U STORMY!!

mackie.samo are we ignoring the fact that adel went out of her way to reply using the umich account?

luca.fantilli its lemonade she can do what she wants!

adamfantilli mackie dont be a hater now, ur just mad that u missed the listening party!!

umichhockey thx you fantilli twins!! :)

luca.fantilli we arent twins lemonade

adamfantilli last time i stick up for you.

adelaidehunter NOOO IM SORRY🙁💔

dylanduke25 good riddance: said to express relief at being free of a troublesome or unwanted person or thing.

user5 DYLAN???

adelaidehunter LMAOOO. duker thats crazy

seamuscasey26 DUDE THATS FOUL.

markestapa addieeeee LETS GO?? Im screaming at u

adelaidehunter IM NOT even WITH U??

markestapa okay.. u might be

user1303 WHAT.

lhughes_06 cant wait to listen. proud of you adelaide.

user3343 THE “ADELAIDE” HURT ME.

user559 shes definitely not replying to this!

caleb.hunter um im ur biggest supporter???

adelaidehunter thats true! i love u

user34 IM GGIGLING AHE TOTALLY SKIPPED OVER LUJES COMMENT.

user32 UR SO RIGHT OH MY GOD SHE DEFINITELY SAW IT

hughes hunter moment !!

quinn: caleb just got here. now where are u della??

jack: YEAAAH. where are u missy???

quinn: jack. we arent playing bad cop good cop.

jack: i know that??

quinn: god ur annoying

adelaide: im pulling in right now.

enough fighting please.

IN REAL LIFE!!

adelaide just parked her car, grabbing her bags from her car. she took in her surroundings, taking a deep breath in and out. the hughes hunter lake house was always her favorite place to be. something about this time seems different. the blonde let go of the negative energy before walking to the door. she opened the door, backing up feeling the door handle opening up from the inside.

“oh. hey adelaide. thought u were the pizza guy.” the youngest hughes brother was standing at the door, causing adelaide to go mute. “QUINN MOVE! IM TRYING TO GET TO THE DOOR. CALEB STOP HIM!” she heard the middle hughes brother say. “here do you want me to help you-“ the curly haired boy asked, “no its fine thanks.” the blonde spoke quietly walking into the house carrying her stuff in. “ADDS!! move LUKE!” jack said causing luke to move out of his way, the youngest brother was stood there admiring the girl.

luke checked up on adelaide a lot. always watching her stories, seeing her posts just never reached out. luke noticed how her hair still had little bits of brown in it from when she dyed her hair right after the two broke up. luke watched the two interact hugging each other and smiling. luke wished that was him. “shes my sister, why didnt i get the first hug?” caleb spoke as him and quinn finally moved over to where the group was. “she likes me more thats why cal.” jack said causing adelaide to roll her eyes, giving her brother a hug then hugged quinn. her and luke locked eyes, the three guys standing there noticed the love spark that were still there between the two.

the blonde girl broke the eye contact, “ill be back down. i gotta get unpacked.” she said shooting a small smile to the group of guys who nodded. there was a knock at the door, “great timing! the pizza here as well!” quinn smiled pushing luke to get the door as he was impatiently waiting for it. addie made her way upstairs smiling trying to make this lake house vacation will as best as she could.

caleb was at her door, seeing as though she finished packing. “you okay?” that caught adelaides attention, “im fine why wouldnt i be?” she said sitting down on her bed caleb following after her. “um i dont know, maybe its because of some certain boy downstairs? who you have been friends with since forever and then ended up to-“ “okay enough!” she said causing her older brother to laugh. “okay fine sorry! but if you ever wanna talk just let me know. im here for you, a.” the glasses wearing boy said, as the two hugged each other.

the hunter siblings went downstairs sitting at the bar with the hughes brothers already digging into the pizza. “so della how excited are you for your album and song release?” the oldest hughes brother asked, causing luke to feel smaller and tense. he was there when adelaide was writing the music, she told him about some of the songs. but once they brought up, luke knew she had to have some gut wrenching song written about him. sure he was nervous, but he would always be proud of her for any and all of her accomplishments.

“oh! im so excited, but nervous. it does feel good to have it released out to the world instead of being stuck inside with just me.” she said looking over at luke whos head was low, then brought her attention to grabbing some pizza. “so “where do we go now?”whats that gonna be about?” jack asked knowing most of her songs had meaning, jack always adored adds music he has to be her biggest supporter. “its basically me reflecting back on all the little white lies in a one-sided love that beamed as bright red flags, finally leading to ending things. and the question of where they should go, start afresh or not, looms over this delicate ballad, though remains unanswered.” she said causing luke to look up and then quickly brought his head down. “oh well i cant wait to hear it! any songs about our good man luke here?” jack asked causing luke to look up and glare at the older boy. adelaids face flushed, “you dont need to answer that a. jack is just picking.” caleb said sending the boy a wtf look.

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dadbodbuck · 4 months

Text

several sentences sunday

from the ecologist!buck au:

The next day at work, when they’re washing the truck, Hen immediately starts picking on him. “Something happened. What happened?”

“Why does something have to have happened?” Eddie rolls his eyes, even though he knows it’s only a matter of time before he spills.

“You’ve been texting someone all day,” Hen points out, gesturing to Eddie’s pocket, where his phone is resting.

“Oh, so I’m not allowed to have friends?”

“You don’t have friends, not outside of the firehouse,” Hen rolls her eyes, “Either your Abuela’s gotten a lot more chatty when I wasn’t looking, or something happened.”

Eddie sighs. “Okay, when I tell you, you have to promise not to freak out, okay?”

“Why? Eddie, what’s—”

“Promise!” Eddie insists, “Or I won’t tell you.”

“I promise I’ll be so normal about whatever you’re about to tell me,” Hen says, in a tone of voice that means she is going to disregard that promise as soon as Eddie starts talking.

Whatever. “You remember my neighbor, Buck?”

“No,” Hen gasps, “Eddie, you dog.”

“Listen!” Eddie says defensively, “He’s—wait, why aren’t you freaking out more?”

“What, did you expect me, a lesbian, to be surprised that you hooked up with a man?” Hen raises an eyebrow at him, “My gaydar is finely tuned. With years of practice. In fact, Chimney owes me money, so if you could just repeat what you said into my phone’s microphone, that would be—”

“Henrietta, I am not recording myself saying I hooked up with my neighbor for your stupid bet,” Eddie gripes, “Besides, we agreed just to be friends after.”

“Why would you do that?” Hen asks, “Was it not… good?”

“No, it was…” Eddie says, stopping when Hen gives him a look, “What?”

“So you had absolutely mind-blowing sex with your neighbor—”

“Okay, it wasn’t mind-blowing—”

“It wasn’t?”

Eddie doesn’t respond, just purses his lips and leans against the truck they’re supposed to be cleaning.

“That’s what I thought.”

“Okay, you know what, fuck you—”

“Wouldn’t you rather be fucking someone else?”

“That’s it!” Eddie says, pointing the spray bottle of soapy water at Hen threateningly, “One more word, Henrietta, and it’s your ass.”

“Wilson! Diaz! What is going on?” Bobby shouts from the loft. Eddie supposes their conversation had been getting a little rowdy.

“Eddie’s being mean!” Hen yells, at the same time that Eddie says, “Hen’s being nosy!”

“Just clean the truck, or I’ll have to find someone else to do it and put you two on other, separate chores!” Bobby admonishes, but he doesn’t seem that mad about it, and he walks away without further incident.

“You are a menace,” Eddie hisses, spraying the truck so Hen can wipe it down.

Hen throws her head back and laughs at him, but eventually they do get on with the truck cleaning. You know. To keep up appearances, and such.

When they’re done, and Hen tosses the rag into the laundry bin, she turns to Eddie. “I am proud of you. Regardless of how much you freaked out after your hot farmer neighbor absolutely rocked your world.”

“How did you know I freaked out?” Eddie frowns, walking with Hen to the supply closet to return the spray bottle.

Hen smiles at him and shuts the door to the supply closet. “You seemed like you would. Do you want to talk about it? Here, in private?”

Yeah. He kinda does.

“I just—I feel so bad,” Eddie groans, rubbing at his eyes, “I totally freaked out. And he thought he hurt me, and I realize now that I spent so long being a dick to him because I was attracted to him and I guess I have some shit to work through.”

“That’s a lot,” Hen says, “Did you apologize?”

“Yeah, and he apologized about thirty times for not checking in enough,” Eddie says, sighing and leaning against one of the shelves, “And then we decided maybe it would be best to be friends. So could you please do me a favor and not mention this to anyone else? Besides the fact that it’s embarrassing, I’m not… sure if I’m ready to have that conversation with anybody.”

“Conversation?” Hen asks, raising an eyebrow at Eddie.

“The one where I might be gay,” Eddie says, feeling a surge of panic in his chest. It’s the first time he’s said it out loud to someone other than Buck, and he barely counts that time because he’s still not entirely sure it happened.

Hen softens, reaching out for the junction where Eddie’s arms are crossed over his chest and squeezing. “Eddie, you know it’s okay, right?”

“Hen, I’m not homophobic, I promise, I just—”

“That’s not what I mean,” Hen says, shaking her head, “I mean, whatever happens after this is okay. If you date Buck, that’s okay. If you’re friends, that’s okay too. It’s okay if you’re gay, or bi, or if you somehow realize you’re straight, even though I sincerely doubt you are. You don’t have to decide anything now. In fact, you don’t ever have to decide.”

“I don’t?” Eddie asks, in a horribly small voice.

Hen smiles at him, fond and warm. “No, you don’t ever have to be anything other than yourself.”

#my fics #fic tag: kitchen table ecology

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nenelonomh · 6 months

Text

march reflections (2024)

writing monthly reflections is a habit that i am proud of, and i am always excited when it reaches the end of the month so that i can reflect on what i have learnt and how i have grown.

achievements of march: 1. i completed my first exam block and emerged with fairly good grades (a, a, c, b, a, b) 2. completed my longest hike so far-- 22km! 3. started this tumblr account

goals of march: ~ to be more aligned with my higher self!! ~ to try and stay in more of an abundance mindset ~ to join another club i think i've achieved my goals well this month. they're not measurable goals but as proof, i can select actions i made in the last months that reflect these goals. for example, i was much more aligned with my higher self in the fact that i have been consistent with my training and going to school. i know that my higher self would never skip school because 'she wasn't feeling like it'. i have been much more in an abundance mindset--choosing to invest in myself and treat myself, because i know that the money will flow right back to me. i had a goal to join another club,, but i was unable to complete this goal. some clubs i might join include philosophy or spanish club. since hugo is leaving school, i'm not sure i will do philosophy (since he was the one who invited me). i guess i'll carry on this goal, and we'll see where it takes us.

journal prompts about march (going into april): 1. what drained my energy? ~ not having a good system in exam block really drained my energy, and i struggled to get back into routine afterwards. i can improve this by building better exam block systems. ~ separating myself from my extroverted tendencies caused me to feel SO lonely. i need to put myself more out there and talk with people even if i am on a date with myself (it could be as little as someone in the grocery line). i CANNOT ignore these tendencies, it's who i am just as much as gem and mehrnaz are introverted.

2. what are my intentions for this month? ~ my intentions for april are to learn more about myself through journaling, solo-dating and exploring. i'd like to keep aligning with high-vibration behaviors. ~ i'd also like to bring out my creative side a bit more,, fostering it through this tumblr account and my storyvillage account. i believe that this will help me to discover myself.

3. what goals do i have for myself this month? ~ two solo-dates (as always) and setting my intentions before the date. ~ join another club (i'm continuing to work on this goal, since i did not complete it last month) ~ spanish study EVERY DAY ~ daily posts😉

4. what will i do to achieve these goals? ~ have a positive, abundant mindset ~ write and hang up these goals in my room so that i am reminded of them ~ record that i study spanish each day in a habit tracker,, or on a private post

significant events april: 1. school break (until april 14) 2. mum and dads wedding anniversary 3. hellfire pass training

training april: (by week): ~ monday, upper body session ~ tuesday, lower body session ~ wednesday, active recovery ~ thursday, lower body session ~ friday, upper body session ~ saturday, varied training hikes or active recovery ~ sunday, active recovery

(images are from pinterest)

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starstruckodysseys · 3 months

Text

20 questions for 20 writers !!

thank u to @localdisasterisk for tagging me in this! i honestly do not know how many writers i follow so um. ill tag my pibe fic besties @wheelsupin-azarathmetrionzinthos @angelwiththeblue-box @fatestitcherr @incorrect-play-it-by-ear and the rest of u can fight amongst yourselves

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

48. i don’t know if its more concerning that almost half of them are from the past five months or that almost half are play it by ear. its the same almost half but still

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

143,389. woof

3. what fandoms do you write for?

obviously play it by ear. everyone knows that. also d20 occasionally and project sekai. unfortunately

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

toya and mizuki’s step by step guide to romancing a shinonome — i will be so real with you guys i specifically crafted this one to be popular. and then i fell in love with it along the way. but it did start as a science experiment

let me take you with me (just like this) — WHY. this is my second pjsekai fic and my fourth fic ever posted. it’s not at all reflective of my current style. help

kiss it better — yeah. same issue as the other one. this one’s better though lmao

say you miss me (say you want to kiss me) — honestly? just impressed a honakana fic made it up this high. love my girlies

the moon is crumbling (but that’s okay) — yeah everyone pretend to be surprised the ruikasa fic got this high up. it was a new concept for me, though, so i’m pretty proud of that

5. do you respond to comments?

i used to, but not really anymore unfortunately. to be fair, i will point you all to the fact that most of my recent fics are pibe, and then to the discord where we all scream about them together

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i don’t usually. write sad endings. bc i don’t like them. okay that’s not true i just usually don’t. i guess the moon is crumbling?? if i had to choose?? it’s more bittersweet than anything, but people did say they cried, so…

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

99.9% of my fics are getting together fics. it’s just the same ending a million different ways. you tell me

8. do you get hate on your fics?

not publicly!

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

i would simply be too powerful if i could. this is for your safety actually

10. do you write crossovers?

in the sense of characters across universes/media interacting? no. in the sense of “i am going to put my blorbos in every single other setting i slightly enjoy”? absolutely. putting them under a microscope. researching and recording how they react to their surroundings

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge!

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

i simply do not think there is a demand for my fics in other languages. not in like a depressing way, it’s just that i’m writing for like five people including myself, so. yknow

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, but if someone wanted to… 👀

14. what’s your all time favorite ship?

i’ve never written for them (yet, at least), but by sheer volume and span of time i have to say souyo persona4. my silly boys. i’ve never scoured the entire tag for a ship multiple times on ao3 like i have for them. i have so many thoughts about them that have never seen the light of day but they exist!!

15. what’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

stares awkwardly at feed your anger like fire… i’ve tried!! but it turns out that sometimes you get stuck on clothing designs and stop writing and then lose passion for the project and then stop updating for three years because you were too ambitious and also you hate your old writing style. not that i would know anything about that

16. what are your writing strengths?

i think i’m really good at dialogue, or at least banter. unfortunately this makes me very judgmental but that’s not important. also i can create a vibe well i’ve been told

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

in general? i SUCK at character description, or at least knowing where and when to place it. i also always worry about characterization and if my characters sound too similar

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i used to read so many fics that centered around using another language (shoutout bmc fandom when i was. in that. a dark period of my life, but alas) and honestly if it’s done well i think it’s cool!! i’m not going to get into the intricacies of bilingualism on account of being an english only speaker but it is rad to me

19. first fandom you wrote for?

wrote for? probably warriors. yes the cats. i had a whole fanfic for my oc. shoutout to… honestly i don’t remember her name but she was a real one! wrote for and posted is another story, by which i mean i don’t remember At All. probably bandori tbh, bc i don’t remember if i posted fanfic on my wattpad

20. favorite fic you’ve written?

either the venn diagram of curses and crushes (which is still my favorite fic title ever) or soaking in the glory. one of them is a 3k word expedition into the play it by ear canon space and the other is a 7k word fever dream i went into a fugue state to write in two days. honorable mention to the like the sweetest cup of chai series which i hold so close to my heart. silliest besties of all time

#tag game #reese’s pieces

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countrycrackheads · 1 month

Note

HEYYYY I was wondering if you could do one of your it ships for my it oc. I get that my oc is shipped with Patrick (by me but im wondering if she might be possibly shipped with anyone else)

Bethany Huggins is Belch Huggins little sister nicknamed "Big Boots" by Henry because of her big boots. Shes well known around town as the girl who'll curse you out over anything. although belch doesnt want her to get in trouble for her bad attitude henrys very proud (hes taught her well) ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩Bethany's hair you ask? well sit down cause it should have its own history book. One week its bleach blonde the next its box dye black, then its dirty blonde. but no matter the colour….. its gonna be big! Shes inspired by all her hair metal idols. ✩ ♬ ₊.🎧⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧Bethany's music taste is heavily inspired from belch, she loves metal and heavy music. but her favourite? Glam metal, she can go on and on about Motley Crue and Poison.

★🎸🎧⋆｡ °⋆People around town give her odd looks, some say its her fashion some say its the rumours greta spread about her. like the time she spread a rumour that Bethany made out with Patrick "THE Perv" Hockstetter for 5 bucks. lets just say greta received some… presents from Pat in her locker that week. although there were some drunken words at a party from pat that it was in fact not 5 bucks but 25.

☆。。☆。。。☆Bethanys style is her whole personality. leather and denim mini skirts that she knows she can wear around because if anyone tries something her big brother will pummel them. these skirts are paired with band crop tops and leather jackets. she buys a new pair a fishnets every week cause a certain black haired boy likes to snap them on the way to school in belchs car.

.¸¸.♡.¸¸.☆¸.♡.¸¸.☆.¸¸.♡.¸shes constantly covered in jewelry! brackets, necklaces, belts, belly chains, earrings, EVERYTHING. she loves silver shiny jewelry and gets Henry to steal for her. .·͙̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩̥͙ ✩ ̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩͙‧͙ .she gets all her cigarettes from Victor cause Belch being a good big brother won't let her, won't stop her though.

As a fellow hair metal enjoyer myself (🤓) I am thrilled to write this. Since you want to explore outside of Patrick, I will not be shipping her with him. I also made him in like 5 minutes bc i’m severely unwell. If this is straight cheeks then I apologize and will redo this.

Bethany Huggins

I ship you with…

Victor Criss

• Her brothers best friend who gives her cigarettes.

• It was a match made in heaven.

• Obviously it was a slow process. It wasn’t right off the bat.

• Victor isn’t really a talker. Not like Patrick is. The blonde is more reserved and talks when he needs to.

• That being said, he’s liked Bethany since puberty did her well. But did he ever tell anybody? No. The body would rather drop dead.

• And Victor is fairly certain if Belch ever found out about his little crush he’d run him over.

• So naturally it had to be Bethany who took the first step.

• Maybe they had a little too much to smoke or somebody said something that made the other’s eyebrow raise.

• At first Victor wants to keep it a secret (for his own safety) but it wasn’t long until Patrick got his sticky hands on this news (he walked in on them)

• It wasn’t long until Patrick went around flapping his lips talking about some “AND THEY WERE ALL OVER EACH OTHER! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW VIC LIKED CHICKS!”

• Belch was pissed to put it lightly.

• Nobody had ever seen Belch run so fast. He chased Victor through the junkyard with a passion, screaming at the blond that he was a filthy bastard.

• He got tired after 1 minute but he was still pretty angry.

• Henry was… disturbed? He didn’t really care but at the same time “Criss, really? That’s the best you could come up with?”

• Anywho

• Victor as a boyfriend is pretty solid.

• Most of their dates are typically an evening at the record store before going back to his place and getting high.

• They’re the definition of underdressed bf, overdressed gf

• But the boy doesn’t care! He is head over heels every time he sees Bethany in one of her outfits

• The kind of boyfriend to put his hand in the butt pocket of her bottoms

• Since she dyes her hair so often, Victor employed her to help bleach his hair.

• Isn’t that fond of her music but he doesn’t say anything about it. He just sits back and bounces his leg.

• Most hangouts are at his place since whenever it’s at the Huggins residence, Belch is there lingering…

I was going to ship her with Henry then didn’t bc I thought their relationship (based off of what I was fed) was too sibling-like. Anywho!

#bowers gang #it 2017 #henry bowers #belch huggins #victor criss #patrick hockstetter #it2017 #it #it 2019

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stellae-de-baphometis · 1 year

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An Ultimate Revise: Who Or What Is Satan?

⭒☆·━━━━━━━•( 🕸 )•━━━━━━━·☆⭒

Okay... So I have a lot to say before I get into this post, because the original blog post I made was extremely problematic and I would like to address it, first and foremost.

My original "Who Or What Is Satan" post that I wrote was meant to be an educational and historical post, but it ended up being far from historically accurate whatsoever. It was full of errors and antisemitism, and I had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.

And so I've decided to completely rewrite and revise the entire post from scratch. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while now, because I really hate how my original post turned out and how antisemitic it was.

So without further ado, here is the revised and rewritten version of my original post, minus all the bullshit lol. Strap in, because this is gonna be a looong post! Full blog post is under the cut. ↓

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So here's a little more info and backstory on the original "Who Or What Is Satan" post, before we get into the revised version;

⚠️ - TRIGGER WARNING: Antisemitism - ⚠️ About a year ago now, I wrote a blog post of the same title under the username of @/thebaphometicforest. At the time of writing that post, I was extremely uneducated and new to Daemonolatry, and I had also been almost fully indoctrinated into a Ne0-Naz1 cult on Reddit without realising it (cough cough the fucking cesspit that is r/DemonolatryPractices cough). The blog post I wrote was full of misinformation and antisemitic propaganda, and I'm really not proud of the fact that I used to hold such antisemitic beliefs surrounding Judaism and cultural appropriation in general. I have since deleted the post, though I believe there are reblogs of it that exist, for those who wish to seek it out for further context, or whatever other reason you may need it.

I would like to take the time to sincerely apologise to the Jewish community for how blatantly ignorant and disrespectful I was in my past. There is no excuse for my antisemitism; I was just stupidly misinformed. I want it to be clear though that I never intended to purposefully discriminate against Jews, I just didn't realise how problematic my views were at the time. I wanted to clarify that distinction; But the bottom line is that the intent doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I was still a dick. It is no excuse and I take full accountability and responsibility for my past actions.

Please know that my past problematic views do not represent me anymore and I have changed and educated myself since then. And with that said, I want it to be my main goal to help dispel antisemitism, ignorance, and bigotry in occult spaces as an ally, as well as advocate for the rights and wellbeing of the Jewish community not only in occult spaces, but overall. 💙

With all of that said, it's time to set the record straight and talk about who and what Satan actually is!

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DISCLAIMER: Please keep in mind that I am not Jewish or Muslim, and therefore cannot speak from those perspectives on this subject. I understand and acknowledge that the concept of Satan originates in Judaism and have no intention to be appropriative. I'm simply just going off research and from what Jewish people in occult spaces on Tumblr have said regarding this subject. I also apologise in advance for any inaccuracies in this post. Please don't hesitate to point them out and I will correct them as soon as I can! Xx

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+: GIF Credit :+

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Satan has evolved to become a very complex character in the modern day. In fact, the very concept and idea of Satan can depend on who you ask, as there are multiple different spiritual paths that interpret Satan differently nowadays. Satan's history has also been muddied quite a lot over the years.

But what are the actual historical origins of Satan, and how did he even come to be?

༺・ The Origins Of Satan ・༻

So, where did Satan even come from?

The origins of Satan can firstly be traced back to Judaism, where Satan refers to an angel (Ha-Satan) that was initially subservient to God. It was only later that he came to be known as "The Devil" in Christianity (sometimes considered synonymous with Lucifer, a bastardised Greco-Roman god) and was referred to as an evil demon, devil, and fallen angel. Later in Islam, he came to be known as an evil spirit who went by the name of Iblis or Ash-Shaytan.

The concept and role of Satan varies drastically between Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and other belief systems which may have similar figures in their mythology. Let's further elaborate on what Satan means when it comes to these three belief systems.

Note: In the Christianity section, I have added a lot of my own interpretations and personal beliefs on the subject as I used to be a Christian as a child. However, I have not done the same with the Judaism or Islam sections as they are closed practices from what I have heard, and I feel that it is not my place to have a UPG on a closed practise, especially if I am not a part of it. Therefore, I will only be including historical info I have gathered from doing research in those parts and nothing more. I wish to remain respectful by not adding my personal input on those parts.

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+: In Judaism :+

There appears to be two main accounts of Satan in Judaism. The most well-know account is that Satan refers to an angel in the Torah named Ha-Satan (literally "The Satan") who is actually subordinate to God, rather than being an opposing force of God. His role was to test the faith of God's followers by tempting them to sin. If they resisted Ha-Satan's temptations, they were proving themselves faithful and loyal to God.

Another account comes from Satanail, the Prince of the Grigori Watcher Angels. The role of the Grigori were to descend to Earth so they could guide humans and teach them. But when they began having sex with humans and producing offspring such as the Nephilim, they were cast out of Heaven and became fallen angels. Some translations suggest that the Nephilim were a type of giants, whereas other translations suggest that they were the hybrid children of fallen angels.

Sometimes the archangel Samael is also equated with Satan, however they don't necessarily have the same functions. Samael was usually tasked with destroying sinners, whereas Ha-Satan was tasked with tempting and testing sinners.

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+: In Christianity :+

Here's where things begin to get muddy. Satan is referred to in multiple different ways in Christianity, and it really just depends on the interpretations and translations of the Christian Bible. Let's have a look at Satan's multiple titles that are mentioned.

~ The Serpent ~

Satan is considered to be synonymous with The Serpent that convinced Eve and Adam to eat fruit from the Tree Of Knowledge. In Genesis 3, the serpent claimed that if you ate the fruit, you could "be like God, knowing good and evil".

+. Genesis 3 .+ ❧ Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman "Did God really say 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" ❧ The woman said to the serpent "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die'." ❧ "You will not certainly die", the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil". ❧ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

In my interpretation, Satan brought liberation, indulgence enlightenment, wisdom, and free will to Adam and Eve through eating the fruit. He showed them that if they open their minds and were willing to learn new things, they could grow and flourish to be wiser than they once were, as well as constantly strive to be the best version of themselves.

It was actually God that brought about consequences for Eve and Adam eating the fruit from the Tree Of Knowledge, not Satan. My interpretation is that if you choose to embrace your true and best self, there are always going to be people who will not like or approve of you; But that doesn't mean that you are doing something bad (as long as you aren't hurting anyone or doing anything immoral of course, lol).

~ The Devil ~

I think everyone is aware that Satan's most well-known title that he goes by is "The Devil". Personally, I don't like to refer to Satan using this title because the word originates from the Ancient Greek word 'diabolos', meaning 'slanderer'. This implies that Satan is a liar and deceiver, which I don't personally believe. In my experience, he has always been a bringer of wisdom and truth.

Satan is said to be the "father of lies" and that he "leads the whole world astray", but I still have yet to see any evidence of him lying or leading anyone astray. The Christian Bible says that he lies, but doesn't show how he is a liar; At least not to my knowledge anyways. However, the God depicted in the Christian Bible seems to have lied about how the fruit on the Tree Of Knowledge would kill Adam and Eve... Because it didn't. It enlightened them and opened their eyes. It helped them to see the truth.

I can't really find any bible verses that suggest Satan actually lies; Only verses accusing him of being a liar. I did, however, find evidence that God lies in the Christian Bible. (Please note that this isn't me trying to be anti-Christian or anything, I'm just trying to make the point that there isn't really any evidence that Satan is deceptive in the Christian Bible. This is mainly to point out the hypocrisy of conservative/extremist forms of Christianity.) Here is an interesting verse that I found which may prove my point that God is deceptive and does in fact lie:

+. Jeremiah 4:10 .+ ❧ Then I said, "Alas, sovereign LORD! How completely you have deceived these people and Jerusalem by saying 'You will have peace', when the sword is at our throats!"

Just something to thing about lol.

~ The Dragon ~

It is when Satan is introduced as The Dragon that the idea of him falling to the Earth (presumably from Heaven) is addressed in Christianity for the first time. In the Christian Bible, Satan is described as taking the form of a giant seven-headed red dragon, donning ten horns as well as seven crowns, one atop each head. It is described that Satan is "hurled down" to the Earth, as well as his angels that serve him.

+. Quotes From Revelation 12 .+ ❧ Then another sign appeared in Heaven; An enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on its heads. Its tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the Earth. ❧ Then war broke out in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in Heaven. ❧ The great dragon was hurled down - That ancient serpent called The Devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the Earth, and his angels with him.

+. Luke 10:18 .+ ❧ He replied, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from Heaven".

I personally don't really believe in angels or the Christian God, therefore I don't believe in fallen angels and I don't really buy into the divine simply being split up into "good vs evil". Instead, I believe in metaphorical fallen angels; Deities and spirits that were bastardised by Christian extremism and painted as evil, simply because they were anything other than the Christian God (e.g. Baal and Ashtoreth starting out as Canaanite deities and being demonised into the Goetian daemons that are Bael and Astaroth).

I think the whole thing of Satan being "hurled down" was most likely just a metaphor to symbolise his apparent defeat and that he had no place in Heaven, according to the Christian God.

~ The Morning Star ~

I think this is mainly where the whole idea of fallen angels came from, when Satan was conflated with The Morning Star, better known by the name of Lucifer. Funnily enough, Lucifer is never actually addressed by name in the Christian Bible; At least not that I could find. Rather, he is addressed as "morning star" and "son of the morning".

+. Isaiah 14 .+ ❧ How you have fallen from Heaven, morning star, son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the Earth, you who once laid low the nations! ❧ You said in your heart, "I will ascend to the Heavens; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the upmost heights of Mount Zaphon. ❧ I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High." ❧ But you are brought down to the realm of the dead, to the depths of the pit.

+. 2 Peter 1:19 .+ ❧ We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.

These verses seem to paint Lucifer as some sort of fallen angel that was jealous of God and wanted to rise above him. However, what some may not know is that Lucifer didn't even start off as an angel at all. The name "Lucifer" is Latin for light-bearer. The Greek word for this term is "Phosphorus", which is also the name of a Greco-Roman deity!

Phosphorus was the personification of the planet Venus, which appeared as the brightest "star" in the sky at dawn, hence the term "morning star". Phosphorus was the son of Aurora, the Roman goddess of the dawn, hence the term "son of the morning". So technically speaking, Lucifer and Satan may not even be the same entity. At least, not historically. The concept of Satan originated in Judaism, whereas Lucifer seems to have spawned from the bastardisation of a niche Roman god.

However, when it comes to Luciferianism, Lucifer is seen as a guide/teacher, liberator, guardian, beacon of enlightenment/ wisdom/ truth, and even sometimes the "true god" as apposed to the Christian God. I personally differentiate Lucifer from Satan to an extent in my beliefs, but more on that a little later!

IMPORTANT EDIT: A good friend of mine has since informed me that the aforementioned bible verses weren't referring to the Roman god Phosphorus. I was incorrect about this. The term Lucifer was actually a title applied to the King that ruled over Babylon at the time, most likely Nebuchadnezzar (II) the Great. The King of Babylon was compared to the planet Venus because of his power and influence in the world. He was "cast down to the earth" because of his wickedness. In this context, "Lucifer" was a physical human being; Not an angel, nor a god.

It was only until Christianity that these verses were misinterpreted (probably because of mistranslation issues, though I'm not entirely sure) and the story of the King of Babylon was twisted into the tale of an alleged angel that got his arse kicked out of Heaven for "disobeying God" or whatever lol.

You can read more about the backstory in this PDF I found that goes further into detail here.

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+: In Islam :+

The concept of Satan is also found in the Qur'an under the names of Iblis or Eblis, also known as Ash-Shaytan or Al-Shaytan. He was a djinn and the "leader of the devils" in Islam. On some accounts, Iblis actually started off as a high-ranking angel and went by the name of Azazil (not to be confused with Azazel). Iblis was assigned the role by God of eradicating disobedient and destructive inhabitants of Earth, so that they could be replaced with humans who were more obedient. But when Azazil refused to create a successor, he was punished by being cast down to Earth by God, where he then became a shaytan.

In another account, God created Iblis from the fires beneath the seventh Earth. Iblis worshipped God for thousands of years, and eventually, he ascended to the surface and continued to rise in rank until he accompanied angels in the seventh heaven.

God then created Adam from the essence of clay and breathed life and a soul into him, and ordered the angels to bow down to Adam. But Iblis refused to bow down; Being a jinn born of the essence of fire, he felt superior to Adam and refused to bow down to someone he considered to be below him. His disobedience to God and efforts to prove humans unworthy led to him being cast out of Heaven, where he earned the position of an eternal enemy of humankind.

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So with all of that said, I would now like to talk about my UPG of Satan and my personal spiritual beliefs surrounding him! :)

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+: GIF Credit :+

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༺・ What Does Satan Mean To Me? ・༻

My personal experience of Satan is that he's a very complex figure made up of many different bits and pieces from other spirits and deities. But mainly, I view Satan as being a triune godhead made up of three different beings/aspects; Lucifer, Sathanus, and Baphomet. It's kind of similar to the "Holy Trinity" in Christianity. He's a diagram I made of the "Satanic Trinity" lol.

In my UPG, I see Lucifer, Sathanus, and Baphomet as their own distinct entities, but I also see them as all being aspects of Satan as well. Think of them as being like a hydra dragon; Three distinct heads that all connect back to the same body. I also believe that other daemons can hold this title as well (Azazel, Belzebuth, Mephistopheles, and possibly many more) but I also see the term 'Satan' as just that; a title.

My best friend @sortiarus-de--naturas--daemonum has a really cool UPG regarding Satan as a title. She believes that Satan can be anyone or anything, and that it can also be a title for people who appose Christian (extremist) values. I actually really love this lol and agree with it quite a lot. ^.^

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In regards to the Satanic Trinity, the number (3) is said to historically be a sacred and magical number, revered across many different cultures and religions.

❧ In Celtic Paganism, the Earth was said to be made up of three realms/parts; Land, Sea, and Sky. ❧ In Alchemy, there were Three Primes (tria prima) that corresponded with the three aspects of human nature; Salt (body), Mercury (mind), and Sulfur (spirit). ❧ In Greco-Roman religion and Neo-Pagan religions such as Wicca, the triple goddess was a triune godhead usually made up of three different goddesses (e.g. Artemis-Selene-Hecate) and was usually also associated with the waxing, full, and waning phases of the Moon.

I view Satan in a very similar way to this. I see Sathanus and Lucifer as being almost like polar opposites, with Baphomet being in the middle of both of them.

❧ If Lucifer is Above and Sathanus is Below, then Baphomet is the middling Within and All Around. ❧ If Lucifer is the Sky (Upperworld) and Sathanus is the Land (Middleworld), then Baphomet is the Sea (Underworld) that meets and connects the two. ❧ If Lucifer is the Radiance of light and Sathanus is the Shadow of darkness, then Baphomet is the grey Quintessence in between. ❧ If Lucifer is the Sun above and Sathanus is the Earth below, then Baphomet is the Moon that middles between the two. ❧ If Lucifer is the Waxing Moon and Sathanus is the Waning Moon, then Baphomet is the Full Moon that connects the two moon phases together.

These are the correspondences I personally associate with Satan. I also have my own UPG about how Satan came to be.

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༺・ So... Who Is Satan Then? ・༻

I believe that Satan came to be through many different deities, spirits, influences, and Christian extremist paranoia throughout history. To an extent, I believe Satan to be a spirit shard of sorts. What's a spirit shard, you ask? Allow me to explain...

+: Spirit Shards :+

❧ A spirit shard is when a piece of a deity or deities breaks off and develops into its own entity that stands alone from its fountainhead deity. This is usually the result of vilifying and demonisation of gods from other religions and belief systems, primarily done by Christian extremists.

A good example of this would be the formerly mentioned Bael and Astaroth; I believe they are both spirit shards of Baal and Ashtoreth that came about because of demonisation by Christian extremists, and eventually those demonisations broke off from the fountainhead deities and became distinct daemons.

I also believe that there was some egregoric influence that aided in the creation of Satan as well. Thus, I feel that he could partly be an egregoric entity too.

+: Egregoric Entities :+

❧ An egregoric entity is a spirit, deity, or other type of entity that arises into existence from the collective thoughts, influences, and energy input of a distinct group of people.

Lord/Lady Baphomet themselves are a perfect example of an egregoric deity that arose from the collective belief in them being falsely conflated with "The Devil" by Christians. But more on their origins a little later. :)

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With all of that said, here is my take on how the three main aspects of Satan that are Lucifer, Sathanus, and Baphomet came to be! Please note that this is just my UPG and isn't meant to be presented as an absolute truth or fact; These are just my personal beliefs.

Note: In my practice, I believe in eight elements rather than just five. I believe in Fire, Air, Water, and Earth. I also believe in Spirit, but I split it into three aspects; Spirit Above (Radiance), Spirit Below (Shadow), and Spirit Within (Quintessence). Finally, I also believe in Void as an eighth element, which is represented by The Self, as you are the ultimate creator of your own personal practice. :)

∙---+ 🜍.~ Lucifer ~.🜍 +---∙

As previously mentioned, Lucifer seems to have originated from the Roman god Phosphorus, a personification of the planet Venus that appears as the brightest "star" in the sky at dawn, called the "morning star". Phosphorus also had a brother named Hesperus, who was basically the same but instead appeared at dusk instead of dawn, and was known as the "evening star". In some accounts, the two gods were later combined into one singular deity.

For whatever reason, this niche Roman god was then dragged into the Christian Bible with the coming of Christianity, thus demonising them and leading to an initial split of Lucifer as a spirit shard from Phosphorus/Hesperus.

Interpretations then spread of Lucifer apparently being some sort of "fallen angel" that was cast out of Heaven for wanting to "rise above God" out of jealousy and pride. They were then conflated with being an evil demon, possibly originating from the benevolent daimon/daemon that was initially a type of guiding spirit that provided wisdom and knowledge, and not actually having anything to do with being evil at all.

Lucifer then started being conflated with The Devil, The Serpent, The Dragon, and the entire concept of Satan in general, thus leading to Lucifer earning their place in the Satanic Trinity.

❧ Lucifer represents higher consciousness, wisdom, enlightenment, knowledge, spiritual liberation and freedom, a guiding light in the dark, expressing/embracing your true self, confidence, standing up for yourself, self-love, rebellion, and always striving to be the best version of yourself.

+: Other Correspondences :+ - Animals: ravens/crows, hawks, swans, tree snakes, doves - Colours: icy blue, sunshine yellow, snowy white, sandstone orange, rich golds/silvers/bronze - Element: Air & Radiance (Spirit Above) - Incense/Scents: sandalwood, lavender, juniper, amber, lily - Metal: Copper & Gold - Planet: Venus & Sol (The Sun)

∙---+ 🜔.~ Sathanus ~.🜔 +---∙

In my UPG, Sathanus is a complex daemon and deity that came into being via multiple sources. I believe that the concept of him spawned in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam; However, he later broke off into a spirit shard and egregoric deity, and further developed into his own entity over time.

As Christianity spread and extremist paranoia began to mount throughout the years, more and more deities were demonised and vilified in comparison to the Christian God. Deities such as the Greek Pan, the Celtic Cernunnos, and the Canaanite Moloch were all conflated with "The Devil" and falsely assumed to be demons. Overtime, attributes and pieces of these gods and many other vilified horned deities began to feed into the concept of Satan; And in an egregoric fashion, Sathanus evolved into a daemon and deity of his own.

He even has entries in several demonology grimoires that were written within the past few hundred years (e.g. Livre Des Esperitz and Liber Officiorum Spirituum).

Sathanus is primarily The Serpent, The Devil, and The Dragon. In the Garden Of Eden, he showed Eve that she wasn't bound to follow the rules of God if she didn't want to. He gave her the fruit of the Tree Of Knowledge to open her eyes and show Eve that she had freewill and could be the god of her own life. At least, that's my interpretation of it anyway lol.

Some rumours suggest that The Devil appeared at Witches' Esbats as a "great black goat with a candle between its horns". In this account, he was referred to as "The Witches' Devil".

❧ Sathanus represents worldly pleasures, power through knowledge, self-leadership, ecstasy, strength, confidence, insurgence, finding/embracing the beauty in darkness, finding hidden wisdom, nature, deliverance from limitations, courage, hedonism, and liberation through "sin" and freewill.

+: Other Correspondences :+ - Animals: dragons, snakes, goats, bats, spiders - Colours: blood red, jet black, electric blue, rich golds, rosewood / dark strawberry pink - Element: Fire, Earth, & Shadow (Spirit Below) - Incense/Scents: dragon's blood, rose, cinnamon, black opium, sandalwood - Metal: Lead & Titanium - Planet: Saturn & Terra (The Earth)

∙---+ ☿.~ Baphomet ~.☿ +---∙

A lot of people don't actually believe in Baphomet as an existing daemon or deity, but rather simply as a symbol representing universal balance; However, from my personal experiences, they definitely are a very real entity. But how did they even come into being? Let's have a look at the history of Baphomet, and how they came to be associated with Satan later on.

Baphomet was said to have been a Pagan deity or idol that was allegedly worshipped by the Knights Templar. The name Baphomet first appeared in trial transcripts for the Inquisition of the Knights Templar starting in 1307. However, there doesn't seem to be any evidence that Baphomet was worshipped by the Knights Templar. Furthermore, it has been stated that the name Baphomet was actually a bastardisation of the name Muhammad, the founder of Islam.

It wasn't until the 19th century that the well-known illustration of the "Sabbatic Goat" was drawn by Éliphas Lévi. It was comprised of a number of binary elements in order to symbolise the "equilibrium of opposites"; Half-human and half-animal, male and female, good and evil, light and darkness, above and below, mercy and justice, etc. Lévi's goal was to symbolise his own idea and concept of balance, with Baphomet being an ultimate symbol and personification of "The Absolute".

But what many may not know about Baphomet, is that Éliphas actually drew inspiration from two distinct existing deities to create his Baphomet illustration; The Greek Pan and the Egyptian Banebdjedet. Lévi equates his image with a god that went by the title of "The Goat Of Mendes" (Mendes is the Greek name for the ancient Egyptian city of Djedet). On some accounts, it is said that Pan is The Goat Of Mendes, but it is much more likely that this title referred to Banebdjedet instead, who was mistaken to have been goat-headed instead of sheep-headed.

The chief deities of the city of Mendes were the ram deity Banebdjedet (meaning "Ba of the Lord of Djedet"), who was said to be the Ba of Osiris, as well as his consort Hatmehit, the fish goddess. In my UPG, Baphomet was partially conceived through these two deities, as well as through Éliphas Lévi's illustration.

❧ Baphomet represents ultimate balance, equity, unity of the universe and all its elements, cosmic order, the cycles of life/death/rebirth, queerness, beauty, duality, love and peace, creation, liberating knowledge, embracing/becoming your true and best self, creativity, wisdom, manifestation, and nature itself.

+: Other Correspondences :+ - Animals: sheep, goats, rams, cats, sea snakes - Colours: amethyst purple, sapphire blue, stormy grey, charcoal black, oceany blue-green - Element: Water & Quintessence (Spirit Within) - Incense/Scents: oud, patchouli, sandal rose (sandalwood and rose), frankincense, myrrh - Metal: Mercury & Silver - Planet: Mercury & Luna (The Moon)

+: Divider Border Credit :+

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Please keep in mind that all of the correspondences and associations listed here are brief summaries of my UPG regarding these three deities/daemons. I will be making additional posts going into further detail regarding Satan as a triune godhead, hopefully in the near future! I'm not sure when the posts will be out though lol.

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Welp, that's pretty much it for this post! Holy shit this took me so long to write. 😭 I hope this has helped you learn more about Satan origins, and Satan as a concept as well as an entity!

I wish you well on your spiritual path. :)

༺⋆✦. Ave Satanas .✦⋆༻

-Korv

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