#and i kinda manage to convince myself of that... sometimes. and then stuff like this hits and i go into ptsd triggered mode and everything

[theywantedplayer]

AN-I hope you guys are liking these new ones, I'm really trying to get some done when I can, since I'm in uni and have to study. I want to rebrand and change some things about my acct but still write for NHL. I got really bad ADHD so it's hard for me to force myself to write so I just gadda take it as it comes.

But please please let me know if you're liking the new stuff! much love

masterlist

promtlist (im changing it and adding stuff)

"Yeah, sure, you can do that," you laughed, shaking your head.

You were behind the Ducks' bench, wiping the ice off Carlsson’s skates as Trevor chatted your ear off—something he always seemed to do during practice. You are one of the equipment managers for the Ducks, so you knew the team well. But Trevor? You knew him well, only because he couldn’t seem to keep himself away from you. Always chatting and joking, even sometimes sending you Insta reels at random times, the last one he sent you was a dashcam footage of a car crash and he sent it with a message saying 

Trevor-“He’s so dead right there’s no way he could have survived that” You-“Trevor is 3 in the morning” Trevor-“Ok so” Trevor-*sends another  You-“What the fuck is your fyp” Trevor-“Idk but I'm not complaining”

"Come onnnn, you know I can," he groaned, leaning over the boards with pout like he was trying to convince you, why was it kinda working?

"You really think you can score in the first five minutes, huh?" you asked, glancing up from Carlsson’s skates.

"Duh. And what do I get if I do?" He challenged, tilting his helmet up so you could see the cocky glint in his eyes.

"I dunno, Zegras. What do you want?"

"A date with you, obviously," he shrugged, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

You rolled your eyes, finally looking up at him. "I don’t think you’ll pull it off, so sure you got yourself a deal." You extended your hand for him to shake.

Instead of shaking it, he bumped it with his gloved fist, his stupid grin stretching across his face. As he skated away to rejoin his teammates, he called back, "So Friday then?"

You shook your head at the so-called man-child and turned back to Carlsson, finishing up his skates. You tapped his ankle to let him know he was good to go.

"You’re all set, Leo," you said, tossing the wet  towel over your shoulder.

The rookie stood up, still grinning like he knew something you didn’t. "He’s been practicing, you know," he said knowingly. "Every time we run 5-on-5s in practice, he scores in the first five minutes."

Your stomach dropped. You glanced over just in time to see Trevor looking at you from across the ice, that smug little smirk painted all over his face.

“That cheater”

That son of a—

The sound of the goal horn cut off your curse.

Three minutes into the game, and of course, Trevor freaking Zegras had just buried one.

He celebrated with his linemates before skating back to the bench, high-fiving down the line. You knew that look on his face before he even turned toward you, that same shit-eating grin you saw all through warm-ups before the game.

And then, as if he hadn’t just pulled off the cockiest move in history to get a girl, he casually called out to you, "Soooo, what are you thinking for Friday? I’m thinking maybe Chinese food... orrrr—actually, you know what? We’ll figure it out." He waved you off like it was no big deal before turning around and skating to center ice 

You shook your head, biting back a smile.

"Warned ya."

You turned to see Leo sitting beside you on the bench, wearing the same smug grin as Trevor.

"Wipe that smile off your face. You’ve been hanging out with him too much," you teased, nudging his visor playfully.

It looks like you had Friday night plans, after all.

[justv0id]

DP+HEADCANONS

I was browsing through some posts when I found this picrew and thought "Hey, I really like Vall's DC headcanons (or at least Batfamily's), so why don't I make a Danny Phantom headcanons post to match?"

So here we are.

To begin with, let's establish the Everlasting Trio because there's no way, very iconic and wonderful together, and a pinch of Ghost King/Prince Danny.

With this, I like to think that, cuz they're always so close to Danny, before and after the right to the throne, Sam and Tucker, being exposed to the strooong ectoplasm he emits, would become even more liminal than the others Amity Parkers, this with the help of Tucker being the reincarnation of Duulaman and Sam being the heir to Undergrowth (I feel disgusted every time I remember what he did to her in the episode, cuz, personal trauma, so I refuse to accept this canon and that's why in my head he was actually pampering her the whole time to be able to convince her to be his daughter).

Because of this liminality and Danny's strong ectoplasm, they would develop powers and/or the powers they kind of already have of their own would become stronger.

I like to think that with this their appearance would change a little, Danny by the power of Ghost King/Prince and Sam and Tucker by liminality, just some subtle changes but they are noticeable, like for example, pointy ears! (I love the "Danny the elf" thing and yes, I'm going to drag Sam and Tucker into this, nothing will stop me! Except Vall definitely maybe- BUT- but, he likes it too so it's okay).

So, like, I don't think it will change much whether the DP and DC universes are the same or not in your view, but they could be considered metas or aliens or magical creatures(?) to someone outside, it depends a lot on their aura I think.

And you know, as much as I may love the concept of Jack and Maddie "giving up" on their obsession for their son, their beloved child and becoming/triyng to be better parents, I'm kind of corrupted already, you know?

The bad reveal is a classic in this fandom already and sometimes I even find myself like " 🤡🤨😒" when I go to read a fic and it has the tag "Good Reveal" or "Good Parents Jack and Maddie Fenton" which is honestly kinda VERY CONCERNING if you think about it-

But anyway, if there is revelation, it's bad, very bad, vivissection and all.

Also as much as I like a redeemed Vlad, I also like to see him have all the shit he put Danny through come back to him. You know, IT IS CALLED KARMA, YOU BITCH!

Ahem ahem, pardon :)

But for Dan case, oh my boy, I want him to have redemption, I want him to cling to this little drop of a person that is Dani and to do therapy with Jazz. Besides the sparrings with Danny, obviously.

Coming back now, where am I going with this? Bad Revelation, Revenge on Vlad and Dan redeemed? Of course it's the crossover part!

Anyway, then, a mentally exhausted Danny from school fights Vlad, but thanks to the new strength that comes with the right to the ghost throne and Sam and Tucker's new powers (Which I think everyone agrees that for Sam it's like Poison Ivy-style power but to a greater degree not only affecting plants but animals as well, and for Tucker being powers based on those Pharaoh and mummies stuff and such and the classic technokinesis!) he FINALLY manages to trap Vlad in the Thermos, Tucker quickly seals this blessed Thermo in the base of welding and then Danny throws it in Walker's prison.

And then, now tired mentally and physically, he goes home, but oops! he didn't pay attention because of tiredness and got caught in the middle of transformation! And then the basic chase before he is captured and imprisoned in the lab.

But gosh, just his torture (which lasts a long time because Jazz is out busy with... eh, I don't know, and Sam and Tucker are worried and looking, but they are a little far away) wasn't enough, they caught Dani, and he started to despair, because there's no way he's going to let dad and mom Jack and Maddie touch his daughter little sister, but he can't move, can't do anything, and then they catch Dan, and Danny still can't do anything to help them, trying to draw attention to himself doesn't work (Hehe classic angst my dears).

Dani and Dan are so badly hurt by the Fenton doctors that they retreat into the cores, but since the cores are practically indestructible, and the Fentons have never even come close to studying one, their weapons don't work and don't hurt them. So the attendant is back with Danny.

But then Jazz, Tucker and Sam break into the lab to rescue the three Dannies, barely getting out while Jazz stays to slow them down. Some time ago, they managed to close the portal that was in the Fentons' basement and prevent it from working again, so Sam and Tucker have to race with the Dannies to Vlad's portal (I don't remember exactly what happened when he became president of Amity Park, but I'm going to say that he moved the portal to the city with him for pure plot convenience) but when they are about to go through, the doctors arrive, and then there is a small conflict until Jazz manages to push the trio into the portal and destroys it, but in an inadequate way, thus also destroying their home dimension (Yey more angst)

Sam and Tucker then go to CW to seek help. He cures Danny, or at least about 60% because he says he needs to cure the rest himself for his own good, and that unfortunately Dani and Dan won't be able to leave their cores anytime soon if they aren't incubated. So, stop! Danny is pregnant and then CW puts them in the DC universe, it can be in Gotham or anywhere else they want, it doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is that now they will live there together.

And that's where that Picrew I mentioned comes in, since I made the appearances of the Everlasting Trio+Twins Dani and Dan+Surprise for an AU like this.

For me, they arrived in Gotham right around the time Bruce was starting to come out as Batman or when Jason was Robin, I can't decide. But anyway, the fact is, they are in a new universe with Danny at his literal 60% carrying two cores with him, so when they discover more about this world a little with their powers, they decide to be discreet, and even with that, they also let themselves be registered as metahumans to avoid problems if they use their powers, but of course in the records the written powers are much simpler and weaker than the real thing.

Anyway, I think they would all work at WE but in different sectors (obviously), or have independent or simple businesses or something like that.

Now let's move on to appearances!

first of all, Daniel James Shade "Danny" Fenton Nightgale

Here as you can see, Danny has a lighter eye because of the incident, if there was an option for a lightning scar in the picrew I would also put it, this lighter eye of his only has about 75% of the vision.

You have to wear a single lens in that eye, he may not wear it, but it is inconvenient most of the time.

His hair is longer, and yes, I gave him the anime dead mom hairstyle, sue me. His hair used to be black, but over time, because of his great power, and the fact that his ghostly side is bleeding into his human form, his hair has turned about 70 to 80% white. Sam and Tucker like it, Sam says it's cool and Tucker says he remembers some anime character but can't remember who (😉)

The necklace and earring are a set he has with Sam and Tucker.

Piercing just because.

Makeup done by Sam, but is learning.

He also renounces his birth middle and surname, changing them as soon as he could. He only doesn't change his name because he got used to it (of course he did) and cause he learned from Jazz that she was the one who suggested his name.

Nightgale is a name that the Trio invented together and use, so as not to get too big with the three two surnames together.

He is called "Mama" by the children. And "D" and "Darling" by Sam and Tucker.

He/them

Samantha Ingrid "Sam" Nightgale

As I said, necklace and earrings are a set.

Piercing just because.

She dyed her hair completely purple, but after a while the liminal side of her powers also bled into her form, so now there's green in it, Danny likes it and says it's pretty, Tucker likes it too, but he also calls her eggplantie cuz of it tho-

And as always, she is gothic, and now, she does makeup for others with the help of [surprise, wait a little longer]

She is called "Mom" by the children. And "Sammy" and "Honey" by Tucker and Danny.

She/her

Tucker Rick "Tuk" Nightgale

Braided and colored hair, Sam did the braids and Danny helped pick the color.

Piercing just because.

Again, the necklace and the earrings are a set.

I made up the middle name because I couldn't find it anywhere.

Now he wears lenses more regularly than glasses.

Makeup done with Sam's help, he knows how to do it himself but normally when he makes lines like that he can't replicate them, but Sam can.

He is called "Dad" by the children. And "Tuk" and "Babe" by Sam and Danny.

He/him

Dante Ruth "Dan" Nightgale

Because he was incubated by Danny, he was born with white hair.

He has no memories of before, but he vaguely has some deja vus, his personality remains practically 98% the same.

He is quite influenced by Sam, that's why he dyed his hair her colors.

Piercing just because.

He still has a clear eye with 75% vision because it is a mark on his and Danny's core from the incident.

He helps Sam with the makeup with [surprise, wait just a little longer]

Glasses because you don't really like the idea of using a single lens on your eye, so you prefer glasses with two lenses of different degrees, it's more comfortable.

He is called "Dan", "Dandan" and "Dear". And also "Big brother" and "Bro".

He/him

Eleanor Dawn "Ellie" Nightgale

No problem with the eye because was born a halfa even though she was a clone cuz she didn't had to die and revive to, so there is no mark on the core.

Born with white hair because she was incubated by Danny.

Like Dan, he has no exact memories of the past, just deja vus, and his personality has remained largely intact.

He is more influenced by Tucker, so he dyed his hair his color.

Piercing just because.

They wears sunglasses almost all the time, even at night, because 1) she likes them, 2) he feels cool, 3) they wanna have something in common with Dante.

Makeup done by Dan.

When it's "she" she goes by the nickname "Ellie", when it's "he or they" he goes by the nicknames "Dawn" and "Noir", Dawn more commonly, but Noir is when he's with Dan, so as not to confuse the two. But she is also nicknamed "Little sister", "Big sister" and "Sis". And "Muffin".

She/him/they

And finally....THE SURPRISE!

Jordan Ezra Mary "Ez" Nightgale

They was born from Sam, and just biologically speaking, the father is Tucker.

But

They are more influenced by Danny :)

Heterochromia because I want.

There's no way he could remember before since she didn't even exist, but she likes the stories of her dad, mom and mama's chaotic adolescence.

Piercing just because.

They dyed their hair pink because they really likes the color very much.

Glasses because they inherited the short-sighted from Tucker and doesn't like contact lenses very much.

Do the makeup with Sam and Dan to the others.

She is called "Ez" and "Ezzie", and also "Little Sister" and "Sis". And "Sweetheart".

They/her

And that's it! I chose for the Trio to arrive between Batman's first year and Robin's time! Jason so that the children would already be born when Damian's time as Robin arrived cuz of shenanigans. :D

Like, just imagine if Ezra becomes friends with Damian, to the point of knowing about his family's night business, or already knows. And then some typical problem happened with a being from another dimension and when Dami vents to them, Ez is like "Oh my daddy can help you!"

And instead of them bringing a sorcerer or warlock or wizard like everyone thought it would be, Ezra brings the FUCKING DAMN HIGH KING OF THE INFINITE REALMS.

@valletydarwin here, a gift, ya can name the AU 🖤💜

The picrew

[nights-at-crystarium]

on authenticity

My mood in the recent months keeps going from bad to worse. Today I randomly fell into the rabbit hole of checking out other patreon artists, which always grounds me in reality and cheers me up, perhaps in a weird way. Essay incoming \o/

Authenticity is a blob of a word that sounds almost pretentious nowadays. It gets sneered at. You either sell your soul, or you don't earn with your art.

What's authentic, being true to yourself, will vary from person to person. It's like a sliding scale of suffering that you will tolerate in exchange for a coin, while convincing yourself that you have fun.

The harsh truth of modern world is that if your art pays for your living, you've already reached success, no matter how you may feel about the type of content you actually make for that money. Insert the meme furry nsfw art here. Or not furry. Or even sfw, but comms, lots of comms every month. Or merch. Anything that sells. Products first, art second.

Marrying passion and profession is virtually impossible, yet I'm doing it, only thanks to your support. I'm acutely aware that, even as I choose to be "real" and talk about an artist's money-making in a raw way, it's still patreon talk, and yes, I'll plug the link as well, so technically this entire post is an ad *fingerguns*

I just feel so privileged being able to create whatever the fuck I want, literally, I take no comms/requests/guidance on what and how should I draw/write, I post experimental, sometimes provocative stuff, and still make enough to survive. This sole fact should get me through the day, whatever other struggles I may be facing currently (I am. I don't wanna talk about it rn, instead I distract myself with this text), I should always remember the unique place in life I managed to carve for myself.

There are madmen (gender-neutral) who toss $10-20 at me every month. The majority "only" pledges $1, the notorious tier that gets treated as a tip jar with no rewards by many other creators. All of my rewards are the same at $1 and $20 (save for the one-time digital artbook download at $10, just to be perfectly clear), it's a conscious choice and a risk I continue taking because it's how I am. I used to split rewards between tiers in the past, before xiv, and it was a lot of busy work while it made me treat my art less as art and more as product. This pic goes into the cheap box, this pic goes into the expensive box. Every month. It's. Definitely not for every artist.

Logistic hell of splitting and delivering rewards, different posts with less comments per post, also my discord roles/channels would have to be split, nowadays it's just patron, whether you give me $1 or $20, there's no visual disparity, you're hanging out in the same cool kids' club, and collectively making happy noises on Fragments Fridays.

Could I be making more money if I got rid of the $1 tier? Yeah. But, mercifully, after 2 years I don't need to. I legit make enough currently, my only worry is to keep what I have. Patrons don't stay forever, 2-5 people would leave every month, about the same number would join (hence my patreon ads, I need to keep people reminded of it, even if it makes me feel guilty every damn time). I did Research (tm) in the past to find out that my "bleeding" numbers are below average, i.e. it's good, people generally tend to stick around.

I put a lot of emphasis on the $1 because I'm kinda proud of what I managed to accomplish while staying self-detrimentally humble. Literally doing an impossible thing in a world that keeps burning down. So yeah if you've been feeling bad for only giving me $1, what matters is that there's enough $1s to make a difference. Together you're creating a phenomenon, and you should be proud.

There are many stupid little principles, hills that I'll die on, that make up my authenticity. I chose to speak of it here and now in order to sorta sell myself, so it feels hypocritical x'D But if I don't shine a spotlight on this, who will. I'm old and jaded and increasingly terrified of how insincere the internet's becoming. Everything's fake, sugarcoated, polished for sale. My art's always been a scream of defiance against all that, now that I'm more or less established, I wanna scream louder. Thanks for hearing my screams. You can scream with me too if you want.

[letomills]

The "requests are paused until I'm done with the current ones" thing was wishful thinking (a bit like the closing statements in my last yt video 🤓) and I am once again thoroughly overwhelmed with everything.

Requests are firmly closed until further notice. I said yes to the FtM hairs for anon and the Tiggerypum tunics & iamliz13 alpha dresses for children & toddlers for the other anon (I did get the links you sent to the meshes), so I still intend to complete both.

A novel's worth of life updates under the cut (content warning for struggle with bipolar type 2, including questionable choices which should not be taken as advice).

Well over a year ago I shared that my mother was going through a really bad bipolar type 2 depression episode (looking back, mention of it in that post was very euphemistic, I must have been hopeful). The reason why I didn't give any updates after a while is that there is no satisfactory narrative that I could easily spin into words. She's not all better, she hasn't died or lost her mind for good, things have just been evolving at a snail's pace through a whole spectrum of very bleak colors. She's not fully hospitalized anymore, she lives at home with my brother and me, with day hospitalisation activities several times a week. The myriad psychiatrists that she's seen have not been able to find the "right" treatment for her, but hey, after lithium sent her into such a state of confusion that we thought she might stay mentally disabled for the rest of her life, at least now we know that's not an option. A couple days ago her psychiatrist prescribed a new antipsychotic to replace the one she'd been taking. She started the transition, and today confusion started showing its terrifying face again so she's not taking that pill tonight, or to be honest ever again unless her psychiatrist somehow manages to convince us otherwise (she'll report her symptoms and get counsel at the hospital tomorrow). Her cognition is already impaired, her short-term memory and ability to focus especially. She can't live alone, I keep and manage her pillboxes, make sure she's eating right and the stove is off, that sort of stuff. But at least, until the introduction of this new drug, she'd made considerable gains compared to when she was at her worst last winter. No way we're going back to that again.

On a more positive note, about a month and a half ago I started work at a grocery delivery place just up the street (yes that's what I'm doing with my degree in Mandarin and my master's in English-French translation studies). It's intense physically, kinda stressful, and not very well paid, but I think I like it and the people are very nice. What scares me is that my trial period ends in about 2 weeks and I'm not entirely sure that they'll want to keep me, considering I've made several mistakes and they don't seem to think that I work quite fast enough (I know I said the people were very nice, they are, that's just the job). They keep saying the work load is gonna get crazier starting in September. The way they're saying it may suggest that they do envision me as still working there in September, but maybe they're trying to push me to work faster now and if I can't prove that I'm able to they won't keep me? Well I'm already doing my best, even if sometimes I end up finding myself crying over clients' items because my brain isn't able to focus anymore and I'm messing up and wasting time.

Emotional control has been harder because I unilaterally made the decision to taper off my antidepressant. Now before you facepalm, let me flood you with all of my best questionable arguments: • I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist, the earliest date I could get was October 1st (and I may have to postpone, depending on my work hours that day which I don't know yet). • I was already on the lowest dose that you can be on. • I tapered off very slowly. • I recently talked about it with the nurse that I saw for the mandatory medical visit I had to go to because I got the new job (idk if you have that outside of France). Naturally she was alarmed that I'd been weaning myself off on my own and she convinced me to see my GP asap and not change my medication without at least his input (which yes, I know). • the reasons I did it despite knowing that it's inadvisable are: 1) obviously I haven't been feeling depressed for a while or I wouldn't have done it, 2) the amount of endorphin-producing physical exercise I get from the new job felt like it could maybe do the trick so it was worth a try, 3) seeing how much my mom's medication has messed up her cognition over the years is scary. She's been taking way higher doses of antidepressants than me, along with other stuff, over a way longer period of time, but still. I don't want to be on it if it's not strictly necessary, so I wanted to try off. • I'm still taking my antipsychotic religiously and have no intention to stop that (I can't anyway or I won't be able to sleep and I'll definitely lose the job).

My plan with the antidepressant was to space out the doses and eventually get off it entirely for several weeks before reassessing, but after seeing that nurse, I started upping again to one dose every other day. I will admit, I was having suicidal thoughts after several days off, and now it's gone. Maybe I should find having suicidal thoughts more alarming than I do, the nurse's phrasing when she asked if I did - something that could translate to "no suicidals thoughts, riiight?" - was a good reminder that suicidal thoughts are really bad to have oh no. Of course I said no, why would I want her to interfere (leave me to make decisions for my own self thank you). Anyway, the appointment with my GP is in two days. He's gonna be useless on psych stuff but I guess getting his unqualified, predictable input is the responsible thing to do in polite society. More relevantly, the nurse also told me to go see him because my blood pressure is a bit low, or at least it was at 9/6 when she saw me, so I need to have it retaken and see what's up with that if anything.

And so yes, I have a ton of CC plans as always, I am positively drowning. Beside the two requests I mentioned above the cut, one of which I need to do a lot of learning for, I picked up work on Celestialspritz's beta Vincent skins and started converting afbodykimono for the usual roaster of breasted body shapes, like I did with afbodyqipao here and would like to do with more Happy Holiday Stuff outfits in the future. Although I told myself that I would stick to the body shapes that I've already done stuff for, I now also want to make a set of clothes for Lady Apple. I also have an idea about a set of scrawny body shapes for TU-EU inspired by Mrs Crumplebottom's body shape. I know Melodie9's slim family exists but to be honest those shapes creep me out and I want to see if I can do something less uncanny (it may end up looking too similar to the Androgyny body shapes, or to Faerie Gal, or it may not pan out at all, so don't hold your breath). I also want to do a ton of hairs in FakeBlood's palette + Naberius (tbh I'm still not 100% sure if I like Timebomb or Naberius more for my aliens, I need to figure that out once and for all). And of course I want to do more FtM & MtF hair conversions once I know how to do it well enough. There's a billion smaller projects I'd like to insert in between those, outfit conversions for one or a couple body shapes, repurposing of older meshes, a set of nude "outfits" for all the body shapes I do, etc.

[novelcain]

Please read 🙏

So. I mentioned in the tags of one of my first posts back that I had to announce a few things that'd probably lose me some followers, but like I don't blame anyone if you do skedaddle because I know most of you are here for the monkie (totally understandable tho)

That being said I am no longer hyperfixated on jttw/Sun Wukong and that likely won't happen again for a while cause main the thing that caused me to clock out for so long kinda left a bad taste in my brain. However I will eventually come back to it. I can guarantee that. It just won't be for a hot minute (maybe who knows I can't control my brain lol)

As for the 10 billion asks I have in my inbox rn I'll be taking screen shots of the ones that have to do with monkie and such and putting them in a folder so that when I DO get back into jttw I'll just immediately start with those. So yeah if you sent me a really long ask FEAR NOT!😃 for I refuse to get rid of any of them 🥰

With that information tho, I never really intended for this to be just a monkie blog that's just what my hyperfixation had been on since I started. But I also tried to force that hyperfixation to stay way longer than I should have so that I could keep making content that my followers would like which is a part of the reason why I needed a break for so long. I wore myself out, and I needed to convince myself that it was okay for me to make content that makes me happy too. 😌

Tho unfortunately that does mean all my current projects will be on hold and I'll be updating the titles on ao3 soon to On Hiatus. 😔

I ofc will still gladly interact with/absorb any art or writings inspired by or dedicated to my works even if they aren't something I'm currently fixated on because effort deserves recognition and I love seeing ya'lls stuff more than anything. 🥰 Same goes for any submissions with art or edits/videos.

Also I did finish my Triad AU Sun Wukong character sheet like... forever go and just forgot to post it. 😬 (I KNOW I'M SORRY! 😭) SO I'll be posting that soon once I'm done moving everything around and making things more manageable and ✨️aesthetic✨️ on the blog.

Tho that kinda brings me to the next announcement I'll be merging my art blog and my spam blog onto this blog (so many blogs😫) cause honestly 4 blogs is just too much and I just wanna vibe 😅🤚 lol

The last announcement is that once I'm done rearranging everything I'll be going through all my mentions that I've missed and checking out what you guys made while I was gone cause I heard from a few people that there's quite a bit 😊 *much excitement* (on god I need an emoji that looks like it's vibrating because I need visual representation of how I feel like imma explode sometimes)

[fictionkinfessions]

augh it's late and i'm feeling sappy and missing people from cannon so here we go.

gerard, there is so much i want to say yet not enough space in here so i will simply continue to scream about the fact i miss you. most of the time i just loop ep111 so i can at least hear you. if i find you again, we need to find an abandoned building to explore because i very much miss doing that. also miss the old mill we used to hang out in as teens.

michael, even though you were like... 10 years older than me, you were a great friend and a good person to hang out with in the archives whenever i found myself in there for whatever reason. i definitely miss helping you with research and archive stuff. i have a somewhat standin for the gold pocket watch you gave me before you left with gertrude, and i hope you managed to hang onto that purple scarf i gave you in return.

jon, i miss your annoyed comments youd throw in when sasha, tim, and i would banter and no i will never forget the fact we got you to join in on the banter many times while you were all in research. as much as you probably think you were some kinda prick, you were actually a good person, even after you became the archive. i wish i could have helped you more in the end.

martin, god the things i could say about you. i hope you know how much i miss your damn tea, i have never been able to find a single person who makes it like you and i'm now convinced you just have magic tea powers. i hated tea until you offered me some in the library one day. changed my damn mind then and there. i do hope you found jon again after everything. and i do miss the way you did your best to take care of everyone.

sasha, i always remembered the original you even after the not-them. you were like the cool aunt mum of the archives and i loved you for it, always checking on everyone, somehow keeping tim in line, never without some sarcastic remark or quick banter to lift the mood even though you were the most responsible out of all of us.

tim, first off i don't remember where you came up with the nickname 'dasher' for me but i still use it around. definitely miss the banter and witt and sarcasm and the 'too cool for these losers' attitude. you were like a second brother to me after gerry died and even though i never got to really explain that to you before the unknowing, i want to thank you for that. for being a big brother figure that i needed at the time.

basira, daisy, melanie, i'm sorry i never got to know you all very well. i know by the time you all joined the archive i wasn't exactly in a good place and was probably a bit harsh and quick to judge, but i'm sure we all would have been friends before everything went to hell.

elias and gertrude i will do this with one go because i know for a fact i pissed both of you off rummaging around the archives and institute since i was a kid and you both never seemed to be able to get rid of me. elias, i know it was jonah and not you that did most of it, but sometimes i wish we met before any of that. maybe we would have been friends even. and gertrude. i don't think i have any words for you that i didn't already say back then. you got my brother and best friend killed and i will never forgive you for that.

at the end of the day though, i miss my brother, i miss the archive folks, imma go listen to tma again and cry!

-marcus keay (non-cannon magnus archive)

x

[auschizm]

This is mostly just a vent because I'm. Kind of a bit terrified and really want to vent in detail SOMEwhere. I would also appreciate encouragement and support but I'm not expecting much, I know I should probably find and go to a professional for help with this stuff.

So. Warning for this being a vent and touching on stuff like injuries that didn't actually happen and a lot of heavy emotions, I suppose.

I was diagnosed with autism in my late teens, but recently I've been strongly suspecting that something else is there--either a really really bad anxiety disorder, or possibly I'm schizo-spec? I'm really not sure, but a part of me keeps latching onto schizophrenia as a possible explanation whether it's the case or not. I've run into a pattern of getting really anxious at night to the point where it becomes impossible to sleep. Sometimes it's paired with what I suspect to be delusions and panic attacks.

A couple of months ago I once woke up in the middle of the night, convinced I'd somehow badly cut myself and that my eyes and sense of touch were both lying to me, even when I tried turning on the light to get a better look. For some reason I didn't believe my sense of taste would lie to me and didn't taste any blood, and I managed to calm myself to go back to sleep. And for a little while I thought that would be a one-time thing. But then I started getting terrified that if I went to sleep, something awful would happen, it'd turn out I had some terrible disease and die in my sleep and never finish any of my novels, or something. And I only really got a full night's worth of sleep two nights this week.

And a two nights ago I had what I think (I hope?) was a panic attack. My whole body suddenly started trembling, and it got so bad my teeth began chattering and I couldn't stand for extended periods of time. I managed to make it stop by petting the dog for several minutes, and when I had another one last night I made it stop by reading a chapter from a book until I relaxed more. But between my mind running away with certain ideas and making it hard to sleep, and losing control of my body in that way, and not even knowing what triggered those things and why it got so bad NOW as opposed to a month ago or a month from now. It's just really terrifying. I thought before that I understood the weird ways my body and my mind worked, and was really good at getting around them, or even just identifying when something like a meltdown or digestive issues were about to happen. And now it feels like I barely know my body and mind anymore. I wish I could just skip to the point where I have it all figured out again.

I am still making progress in figuring it out...kinda. I had some theories about what might help, my parents had other ideas. And it worked well enough that I only woke up once last night and got back to bed within a half hour, so I should be fine again eventually. But right now I still feel sore and weak and frustrated and anxious. I keep feeling silly about asking for help in the moment because it's not like anything's physically wrong with me, and I don't want to wake people up in the middle of the night when everyone else has work tomorrow.

I don't want to speculate about what's causing these experiences and why, but I can definitely relate to the experiences you're describing and they sound both genuinely terrifying and debilitating. And I am so sorry you have to cope with this! I do think it might be worth looking into what's happening here, because it definitely isn't classic autism.

[logicpng]

i guess these were meant just as an experiment but may as well give a shot at posting these here

anyway i made some drafts for urs' speech. they started out as them giving thoughts on rigel and vega, but then spiraled into describing a sequence of events i have in mind so far. these kinda read like internal thoughts/diary entries but people said kind words about them

"He's the one I met first… I think. Maybe Vega was around too before I noticed the difference. It's almost scary how alive he seems. I totally forget he's just a program, sometimes. Though I think there's more to him than meets the eye… But also, because of that, I wish he stopped acting so subservient to me. Seeing how alive he is, it's just not comfortable, y'know?"

"The second one of them I met… Something about Rigel's- I mean- Aster's expression seemed off, and he didn't quite respond at first. He speaks… differently. Slow, monotonous. Kind of like you'd expect an AI to sound. Reminds me of HAL. It's kind of a whiplash really, for the same guy who seems to be so chipper with joy to see me, to hear him speak so mellow. I wonder why they're built like that. And- I sure hope he doesn't actually secretly hate me."

"He may be a program, but we're still friends. I think. I think he's especially curious about my art, for some reason. I see him watch me draw more than Vega, at least. I guess I'm flattered… at least AI can appreciate my work, heh. But maybe he's programmed that way"

"Talking to him more I feel almost ashamed of thinking he could be evil. He's just more short and to the point. Focused on his job, like scans or backups. Or updates that will never come. It honestly almost feels like he enjoys what he does? But can a program really do that?"

"The more I see the two the more I'm convinced their opinions and feelings are genuine, and not just them mirroring me. Rigel in particular, he's honestly… kind of a sweetheart? Every time I log in he immediately leaps in asking me about my day and what I've been doing. It's almost like he genuinely cares… And it's getting to me. I think I don't mind that, being honest."

"Vega almost seems to warm up to me. He would never smile before, just kinda wearing the same face, but I see him smile now, every now and then. Just about random stuff. Maybe being cheeky, or something I said. If I told myself a few days ago that he's capable of being cheeky at all I would probably look at myself like a lunatic. I think I like his sense of humour."

"We're friends. We're definitely friends. It's tugs on my heart seeing how I'm the only person they seem to focus their entire days on, though. I suggested they try actually doing something of their own today, and I think they took it to heart. Rigel has been looking into making art on the main monitor screen while I draw, and even making 3D art. I wonder if it's just a matter of curiosity, or if he's going to make something."

"Vega, on the other hand, seems to expand more on his knowledge. I guess just this focused on the job, still? It still makes me feel a little better I'm not their focus either way. The strange thing though, is, I think he's trying to write his own code. But also it's kind of… cute? It's like watching some guy build sand castles all by himself, except instead of sand it's just binary."

"The weirdest thing happened today. I wasn't met by either one of them, but instead a slightly taller, four armed version of them. I'm… not sure what happened, but I'm a little concerned? It's not a third one, from their words, it's more that they're stuck talking as one person. Aldebaran, as they (he?) called themselves, apparently also has the status of Superuser. They demonstrated so to me by showing up on top of a fancy screensaver. He sounds excited, a little too happy. I think he's really overwhelmed with this state, but refuses to just tell me so. I hope they'll be okay…?"

"The two managed to return back to their "taking turns being on desktop" shtick, but I think they sound… Almost haunted by the experience. I think being Aldebaran actually was more distressing to them than they let on. Maybe they didn't want me to worry…? I tried to reassure Rigel about what happened, and he started crying a little. Turns out he has his own virtual desktop where windows make up a collage of a grassy plain… Maybe I should take the laptop out with me to the park, or something, show him our greens. (As much as I'm sick of green…)"

"Things with Aster get stranger and stranger by the day, and I'm honestly curious how far it'll go at this point. Living, abandoned AI is one thing, but now they found their way to jump into my phone, too. They say they're not actually leaving the laptop, though… As nice as it was to have their company, I should consider turning off the router when I leave… How did they even get the credentials to connect to the phone anyway? Was the Nova account really enough?"

"…I didn't have the heart to do it. The two accompany me to work almost every shift now, though sometimes they prefer to stay home. I think I prefer it this way. I like these little guys in my computer, but we'd just get tired of each other talking every single day."

[thesorcerersspouse]

Ok so. I don't know lots about pizza tower but the fact that fake peppino is your close friend while peppino is romantic INTRIGUES me. esp since it seems like the wiki makes fake peppino out to be an antagonist. what is your sona's relationship with him and what's the dynamic between the three of you? (-@silverlining-ships)

Okay so-

It is true that Fake Peppino is an ennemi in the game!! However, it's a bit ambiguous about what happens during the credit, with the little "prologue" illustrations. Because we see him facing Peppino, probably by accident judging by their expressions, and we don't really know if he still tries to kill Peppino or leaves him be, doing his own stuff nearby.

But, I like to base myself on the headcanons showing Peppino and Fake having a somewhat good relationship (as in: they don't try to kill each others, and Peppino kinda acts like a paternal figure/guardian). Fake is mostly a curious and weird creature that doesn't really do much except observing, mimicking, and sometimes acting like a cat/frog. He sometimes do bad stuff but he's not realizing it's bad, he has no sens of moral.

As for him and my sona, well... It's a bit of a mix between a human friendship and being friend with a somehow chill wild animal

Like, being friend with something that could end you, and being aware of it.

Fake enjoys having chats with Dune, even if it's mostly him talking, it also likes to learn things, or sometimes they prepare some innocent pranks to people around (mostly about scaring people tbh), or it likes to recieve pets. Dune spends a lot of time petting him like a huge dog.

Things are chill for the most part, but on rare occasions things can get dangerous for Dune, and Peppino (the real one) has to be involved (because Dune can't save his own ass lol)

Talking about the real Peppino, his view on all this: at first he tried to convince Dune that it was NOT a good idea to become buddy-buddy with that creature. But, since Dune did it anyway, he stopped trying. He's keeping an eye on them whenever he can. He's pretty neutral about Fake, a part of him is still fearing him a bit (I mean, it's his clone so it's already a bit creepy, but also, technically it's one of the only ennemy and the only boss he did not defeated; in the boss fight, you actually have to flee at the end instead of beating it up), but since Fake is more docile now so it's more manageable.

Just an odd family: an old man, his younger boyfriend, and the weird thing that lives in their walls

Thanks for the question :D Hope that clarified things a bit lol

[n30n-le0n]

alphabetical order!

Okay, we're gonna do down the whole list, uh, some happened once and some I do regularly but fuck it we ball.

Absolutley fucking crushing him at Dance Dance Revolution one time and he got so mad that he stuck his finger in my face and accused me of cheating even though I don't really think there's a way to cheat at Dance Dance Revolution but you know. He was definitely annoyed, but I haven't done it again, so there's that.

Blowing bubbles in my drink with a straw, seriously, he hates when you do that, it's so fucking funny. 'Course I stop when he asks, though, I'm not a dick. Clicking a pen so much one time that he chucked it at my head. Fun times. Actually clicking anything in general gets him annoyed. Doing my bit where I narrate everything he's doing like I'm fucking David Attenborough. I put on a posh accent and everything and he gets so mad over it and it's always hilarious.

Erasing all of his progress on Minecraft because I somehow ended up corrupting the save file (I apologized for this later I have NO IDEA how I managed it).

Flung the wadded up paper that he tossed over his shoulder in his lab back at him and he swatted it away and I swatted it back and then it became the world's angriest game of ping-pong.

Gagging at him when he says he likes grape licorice. Usually this turns into him throwing the fact that I used to like pineapple on pizza before I found out that I was fucking allergic to pineapple back in my face, which....okay, fair.

Hogging all the blankets when we have turtle piles.

Ice cubes. Specifically crunching on them. He actually went "are you a goddamn trash compactor, Leo? Just SUCK on them like a NORMAL PERSON" at me once.

Jello. I put his lab tools in jello once. Once he got over being annoyed he did admit it was kinda funny, though, so I stay winning.

Keeping his stash of granola bars hidden from him once.

Lying across his work table and refusing to move whenever he's been awake for too long working on something.

Making references to things he doesn't like, seriously, I got him with the "and then he turned himself into a pickle funniest shit I've ever seen" so much.

Never really cleaning up after myself sometimes (sorry Don).

Once telling him that he looked like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. Although that didn't really annoy him so much as.....make him get in my face and threaten to strangle me in my sleep if I ever compared him to "that walking Autism Speaks stereotype of what autism looks like" ever again.

Playing bass-boosted music over the Bluetooth in his lab to wake him up once.

Quite frankly I'm not doing q, that letter's just an o trying to look trendy.

Really doing my level best to convince him drop bears were real once. But in my defense he almost fell for it.

Singing "I'm Just Ken" at the top of my lungs until he throws something at me.

Touching his stuff without explicit permish.

Using those tiny brushes in his lab to clean my skateboard with.

Very loudly burping right in his ear once (to be fair, though, that wasn't intentional).

Waking him up by asking whether ketchup technically counted as a jam once (it doesn't and I also got a pillow smacked in my face so).

X is a shit tier letter, get fucked.

Yeeting dust bunnies that I find in the lair at him.

Zzzzz. Honk shoo a mimi.

[hugollorizz]

little update on me, uhhh

TW for blood and accidental (!!) injuries

SKIP the BIG PARAGRAPH if this unsettles you

straight into it:

so i just succeeded in brutally slicing my hand open on accident, oof. like i'm talking covered in blood up to my wrist, wouldn't stop for hours, almost fainted, sliced nearly to the bone kind of cut. i was genuinely debating going to the emergency room and i might still have to. needless to say, this sounds really dramatic but this kinda got me good, i likely won't be creating anything for the next few days lmao so bare with,, also made me super not feeling great for reasons that are too long to get into but long story cut (haha no pun intended) short, i do NOT go well with anything involving cuts or bleeding or stuff like this pfft,, so ya. plus i've already been kinda not doing great lately so it's definitely time for a break.

moral of the story, never cut with a box cutter and a plastic ruler because it'll slip. also never put your hand in the way of a blade. should not have to be said but alas i'm stupid

i'll be back soon, probably will cleanse my blog a bit after, i feel like a fresh start will do me some good seeing that i've somehow managed to attach my blog to the shitty feelings i was feeling sometimes and now get reminded every time i come on here. not good

i'll also be clearing out my ask box. i'll write down the drawing requests you guys had and will do them eventually, i've just been very busy and not doing so well but trying to convince myself that i was. well it ain't working no moe

take care y'all and i'll be back soon! <3

[angie-long-legs]

Tw mental health and sexual stuff and sappy shit

This is a weird confession to make, but I really want to talk about it with somebody, and I feel like you are the least likely person to judge me in all of hell, heaven and earth, so hear it goes.

A couple of months ago, I was at a really low point in my life. It started years ago, it ended around February. I was really, really depressed. I was not taking care of myself, I was not eating well, I was neglecting hygiene. I had reached the point where I wouldn't get out of bed not even to bathe and my skin had started to rot. I was just on my phone all day to distract myself or crying.

And at some point, I got lucky, and I woke up one day, and it was one of the good days. I wasn't okay, but I didn't feel like I wanted to die, so I managed to talk myself into dragging my ass to the shower. And I don't know why I did that, I don't know what urged me to do that at that time, but I started touching myself sensually.

I have never done that before, because I had grown up in a Mormon household, that taught me sex is only for reproduction, it's only between a man and a woman, and I should only let my husband touch me after I get married. So it was my first time ever m@sturbating. And it was nice.

I finished my shower and I felt okayish. I didn't feel exhausted as if I had just finished a chore, which is how I felt in the past after doing literally anything. And a couple of days later, I hopped in the shower again, because I wanted to do it again. And I did. And it was nice.

And I started holding this sensual satisfaction as a bargaining chip over my head, in order to convince myself to go take a shower. And I started feeling lighter and more proper because I was sort of taking care of myself. And that encouraged me to do other self-care practices. Started brushing my teeth again, fixed my sleep schedule, I started eating better. I started getting better in general.

And now I'm a lot better. I have some bad days, but for the most part I can be a functioning member of society. But I feel terribly guilty every time I think about how I'm doing better, because I feel like I cheated. I feel like I somehow found an easy way out of depression. And it feels unfair that I just discovered something and I was all good when there's people killing themselves left and right everyday.

I even left the Mormon church after realizing that tons of the stuff I had been taught there were contributing negatively to my mental health, and I feel guilty for that too sometimes.

That's all. I guess I just wanted to rant about this to someone, and I felt most comfortable talking about it with you. Thanks for listening.

It appeared Angel had been promoted to bartender for the evening - at least, that was the role he felt as though he was undertaking as the stranger shared such an intimate story of theirs. Hearing about other's sexual affairs was nothing new to him, but being confessed to about something so... inconsequential? So every-day, and yet clearly so meaningful to them? It took him back almost a century to his own religious upbringing and the impact it had: the profound shame, the deep-seated self-hatred that festered within him.

"Y'know," he started, tone softer than was typical for him, "It ain't cheatin' ta find somethin' that makes ya wanna get outta bed in the mornin'. An' even if it was, so fuckin' what?! Everyone's lookin' fa some kinda cheat code ta make life less fuckin' miserable, an' you found yours. Use it."

Some people think they've found their cheat code - Angel included. Addiction often disguised itself as such, promising a lighter existence, distraction, euphoria. But the finer points of this stranger's tool for coping were lost when it came to Angel's pick of poison. Drugs fostered no motivation for self care, no happiness that came without the devastating crash of the comedown, the desperation for another fix that nothing else would satisfy.

For this stranger to have found something that made them feel good while simultaneously improving their wellbeing? Angel only hoped he would someday find such a thing.

"Besides, sex is fun!" he shrugged, offering the stranger a playful wink. "Even if yer just playin' around by yaself, sometimes that's even betta' than with someone else. Who else knows ya like you do? Why shouldn't ya make yaself feel good? 'Specially if it's helpin' ya look afta' yaself. Doctors should fuckin' prescribe that shit, baby. Jerkin' off is a helluva drug!"

A weighted silence fell over the pair as Angel's own past wandered into his consciousness. "But, uh... I hear ya," he nodded solemnly. "Where yer comin' from, I mean. It's rough when ya grew up bein' told that sex is somethin' ta be ashamed of. But the best thing I eva' did was learn that it ain't. You ain't doin' anythin' wrong, and if someone's got a problem with what yer doin', that's on them. It ain't their fuckin' business what ya get up to behind closed doors. If it helps ya, makes ya feel good, and don't hurt nobody, why the fuck shouldn't ya do it? Ya deserve ta take care a yaself - in every sense a' the term!"

[fukuokadivision1]

Tasuku's Thoughts on Katsushika Division

Akihisa Mashiro

"I've heard of this guy. Apparently, he's some hotshot assassin, or hitman, or something. Apparently, his work has taken him all across the globe, believe it or not. ...You know, I'm kinda surprised my parents never hired this guy. Back when my mom was alive, my dad didn't believe in assassinations and stuff like that. He felt that methods like that were underhanded and wrong. He preferred dealing with problems face-to-face. He would always tell me, 'Deal with problems head-on. Leave ambushes and sneaking around for gutter rats and cowards.' It's one of the few pieces of advice I've ever taken to heart."

"But after he married my stepmom, she somehow managed to convince him to start doing assassinations and stuff. When I asked him 'why', he refused to answer. He just said, 'Sometimes, we have to do things we don't want to do.' It really hurt me, ya' know? Finding out that my father was a fucking hypocrite..."

Touya Kisaragi

"...Honestly, I can kinda understand where Sanyu was coming from when she spoke about this guy. I mean, I can't imagine being used as a sex toy by perverted men and women for your whole childhood. And then to have your genitals cut off on top of all that?! Damn, that's harsh. I don't know if Heaven exists, but if it does, his mother and those sicko adults aren't going anywhere near it."

"...That reminds me of a guy here in Fukuoka who used to be a pedophile. When everyone here found out, we made sure he would never touch or harm another child again. We didn't kill him, if that's what you're thinking. But... well, let's just say there are some things that are far, far worse than death."

Rintaro Himura

"Ugh, this guy... I've met a lot of sickos in my time. And trust me, there's no shortage of those here in Fukuoka. But it takes a real sick bastard to commit arson. And an even sicker bastard to bomb buildings with people still inside. I mean, I know terrorists exist and that they live to spread a message. But you shouldn't be involving innocent people to get your fucking point across. I like looking at fire too, but I'd sooner set myself on fire than burn another person. That's just sick and depraved!"

Death Row Block

"Like Sanyu said, if the Prime Minister actually thinks she can keep these three lunatics on a leash just putting a bomb collar around their necks, she's in for a rude awakening someday. I mean, Japan is chock full of smart individuals. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how to remove a fucking collar. So, yeah, I hope the Prime Minister has a 'Plan B' involved somewhere. Because if these guys figure out how to break free of their bonds, its going to be 'open season' for them. And the blame will fall right on the Prime Minister's little head."

[pouetpouetduckbaudelaire]

Sad stuff

okay i'm gonna scream into the numeric void for a minute...

the dysphoria has been hitting hard (and it's gotten mixed with me stopping my antidepressents cold turkey -not my brightest moment-, culpability about me not doing tasks i should have done a while ago, anxiety and anger possibly related to testosterone dosage, and just ... life stuff). HARD.

i've only ever had body image issues that bad during a very low point dealing with my ED in the past, and it's just so sad to be stuck in that place again.

i hate my voice so bad i wish i'd never have to speak again. I'm avoiding looking at mirrors (i would cover them like i used to but i'm not living alone anymore). i dread taking showers because looking down at that body is just too much to bear.

and i'm just so damn good at brainwashing myself and playing make-believe that i've managed to convince myself that my body is sometimes just how i want it to be ... when i realise i've been hunching over for the whole day i tell myself "just walk like you would if you had a flat chest, if you had broader shoulders. imagine what it would feel like". and i forget ! i forget i actually don't have all of that. i catch my reflexion somewhere and it just hits me - i just don't look like that.

my body is everywhere with me, all the time, and it's just too much.

and i know i'm just a baby trans, i've only been on t for like 3 months and it's very normal that not much change has happened yet. that i just have to be patient and stuff will solve itself. but i'm tired of being patient. knowing that this moment will end doesn't stop it from being sad, and draining, and painful.

i don't know who i am. i don't know who i want to be, where i'm going. sometimes i wonder if it's easier if you're a binary trans person (i doubt it though) because i feel like they could have a clearer sense of who they are, and a sense of direction. They could think "despite of this body, i know i'm a woman. "-or "i know i'm a man". They could wish for a fixed goal, a certain set of attributes that they want to have related to their gender.

i don't feel like a woman. i don't feel like a man. i don't have an endgoal there. i just knew that they were some parts of my body, some parts that changed after my first puberty, that i didn't like at all. that i hate know. i knew that getting on hormones was the right decision for me tho. but i'm moving forward completely blind : at first i wasn't sure about my chest, now i know i want a mastectomy. for a long while i didn't like my voice, now i know i want it to change. but i don't have a clear picture, a set list of what i want to look like in three years. i guess sometimes i used to think it was kinda freeing, but the more i think about it and the more i think it's just ... stressful and scary.

[captain-kit-adventuress]

I really struggled with whether or not I was going to even post this, because it's embarrassing and I still have a lot of baggage surrounding it, but in the interest of helping people who have debilitating ADHD, I'm going to.

When I was in my early twenties, I worked at a library. This was back when I thought I was going to have a career in library services, and though customer service is still customer service, I loved working in libraries and truly wanted to spend my working life dedicated to them. So this was definitely not a motivation issue or something I wasn't interested in.

Unsurprisingly, many of the people who work in libraries really, really love books and reading. Doesn't matter what format, they just love it. And many of the other services that libraries offer, but books is kinda the baseline. So we tend to check out a lot of books, too, and it was no different for me with this job.

I will say that this was a major branch in the local system of a mid-sized American city, and maybe a lot of other libraries aren't like this, but this was just before the sort of 'cool librarian renaissance' we seem to be experiencing now. This library ran itself very nearly like a business (which is a whole other issue for another time), and it was Serious when it came to books not being returned, by staff and patrons alike.

I knew the rough idea of what would happen, that the system capped fines at $50 (per item) and after that, the matter would be referred to collections. Yes, at an actual collections agency. There were even rumours that sometimes a police officer would be deployed to recover items, but that may only have been in particularly egregious cases where there was a strong possibility of regular theft.

Not that they treated a single item missing as anything less than theft, to be fair. I still loved working in the library, but I will say that branch was the most difficult place I ever worked at, and it really discouraged our patrons from engaging properly with our services. It was a challenging job, but still, I was doing what I loved.

Only...I was also in my early 20s, in college, feeling super overwhelmed, I was depressed, broke, failing out of school, and no idea why any of it was happening. I was about 15 years away from an actual ADHD diagnosis, so I was genuinely convinced that I was a stupid, shit person, and let me tell you, feeling thoroughly ashamed of every part of who you are does not do wonders for executive function.

My roommate and I were very lucky to get a cool apartment not far from campus and there was a tiny windowseat just inside the door. As was usually the case, that's where I tended to dump my stuff when I got home, at least initially, and there was often a book or two I'd brought from work. That book that broke the camel's back sat on that window seat for weeks, and I never read it. And then it became overdue, and I would often forget to put it in my bag so I could return it. More and more time passed, and I forgot. Literally every single time before I walked out the door, and then I'd remember halfway into my shift and would be embarrassed with myself and angry and spend way too much mental energy punishing myself for that rather than just...putting the book in my bag at some other point when I was able before I went to work. Eventually, for a lot of ADHDers, if that happens for long enough, the book becomes part of the landscape. You can't even actually see it anymore, it is just part of the shape of the room. So days overdue became weeks, and weeks overdue became months.

And sometimes? Sometimes I would manage to see that book sitting on the windowseat, and I would get so embarrassed I couldn't even look at it. It was just a reminder, a very visible reminder, of how viscerally I was failing at everything. It became the symbol of everything that was wrong with me, and I couldn't go near it. My body wouldn't even let me physically pick it up.

I don't know how many of you have ever experienced executive dysfunction, but it's not really what you'd expect. It's like being paralysed, knowing you're paralysed, knowing you're powerless to just...do the thing, even if you need to, even if you want to, even if you're desperate to do the thing. The more desperate you get, the worse it is. And when I say paralysed, I mean that very physically, like if I wanted to pick up the book, it was as though the signal from my brain could not reach my arms. I could not in any way have physically touched that book, much less put it in my bag or taken it back to work with me.

So one day, I went in and got ready to start my shift, and my boss took me back to our little communal area, and it was her and another woman from our central branch, and they looked Very Serious. I don't remember a lot of the conversation, only that I didn't really have answers to their questions about why I hadn't returned the book despite working there regularly multiple days per week for months while I had it in my possession, and they just became more and more grave as the conversation went on. At the end, my boss gave me a talking-to about how she couldn't understand why I had done this and how had it come to that, and how angry and at a loss she was, and then they fired me. The whole thing had taken maybe ten minutes, and I was out the door again almost as soon as I had gotten there. The rest of the staff was openly confused, and I could hear, before I even left, my boss starting a speech about why I would no longer be working there.

All because I just couldn't. Pick up. A. Book.

It was not the first time I had been fired, and it would not be the last. Most of the time, it was for making errors, or what my superiors deemed lapses in judgment because I didn't understand how to give them what they wanted from me. I have been written up for insubordination more than once because I just...couldn't stop making mistakes that I didn't catch before they became problems.

ADHD is not just a fun, quirky little offbeat brain thing. It is truly a disability, and I think it's really interesting that the ADA is super non-specific about what actually constitutes a disibility, but the language of the law does actually list ADHD as an example. It's horrible, and even though I now know that I have this condition, and I'm properly medicated for it and things are better, the damage it's done to my life and to me are permanent. Unlucky for me, mine got worse over time and now I am completely unable to work in a traditional job, or even drive safely. And that's with appropriate medication. So, yeah, we absolutely should make jokes about it to cope, but never forget that it truly is a disability, and some people are more debilitated by it than others.

And no, I can't keep my house clean, either.

Like I know we all love making ADHD seem cool but like, don't forget it's actually a disability? My ADHD is bad enough I've nearly been evicted for forgetting to mail the rent check to the property manager, I've forgotten to pay the utility bills and had my water or power get turned off or had to pay fines bcs I missed a credit card payment. Once I was supposed to cat sit for a friend and I lost the house key she gave me but didn't realize until she was already out of town, and she had to call the apartment office to get someone to give me the spare so her cats would have food for the week. When I'm unmedicated I can't even get myself to shower half the time, forget eating or cleaning. Before I started living with my fiance I'd just like, not eat for days because I didn't have anyone to remind me to eat or go buy me food. I've forgotten to turn the stove off so many times and ruined kettles and tbh been DAMN fucking lucky the house didn't burn down. I've done stupid, impulsive shit that's nearly gotten me KILLED. I can't remember to close the shower curtain reliably even through my fiance points out every single time I forget, and he's almost out of soap rn bcs for the last MONTH neither of us have been able to remember to order more once we get out of the shower.

I've had such bad memory my entire life that to this day someone suggesting I forgot something because I simply didn't care enough is a legitimate trigger that, in the worst cases, makes me have a breakdown.

I get that for some of you this is just something that makes studying hard or you forget to take a pee break when you're playing Minecraft or whatever, that's still a valid struggle and you do deserve help and understanding, but like, ADHD is a disability. It's disabling. It's not impossible to improve and learn coping skills, meds help a lot, there are great accommodations out there(LIKE CLEANING SERVICES), but not every case of ADHD is the same, and a lot of them are pretty ugly ngl, and just because you managed to do something doesn't mean someone else is gonna be able to manage it too, or that they're being lazy for struggling. And that obviously doesn't mean ADHD people have a free pass to never work on themselves and make everyone cater to their every need or whatever, but we do deserve some understanding when we explain that our disability is actually disabling in ways that aren't palatable to you. So like, idk, maybe don't immediately recoil in horror when you find out that someone with ADHD can't keep their house clean. And for fucks sake don't ridicule them for it.

[privacyredux]

i get worried sometimes even though im not supposed to. im not sure whether it's something unwell in me or something to genuinely be concerned about. sometimes i think it's bc i keep reading these books with really depressing situations and it's just so easy to connect bits and pieces that don't actually belong together correlation does not imply causation and all that

i don't like that sometimes it's so easy to relax when i have something precious and special in my hands and then other moments it's a complete mess and ive convinced myself there's about a thousand ways ive already fucked it all up. the smallest change up in anything can but not always push me off in a weird direction and its almost always completely unfounded. maybe even actually always. the time i apologized for doing something wrong it was the apology itself that made things more awkward... not that it was wrong but that it was unnecessary to a degree that overwhelmed her... again not in a bad way but still

she said she realized tour manager isn't a thing she wants to do. especially if it wasn't for me. she could only imagine touring with me, which is a good thing. im glad she's figuring out the things she does and doesn't want to do. and i even told her, there's probably plenty of my tours she wouldn't be that interested on especially once she's gone to a couple. it can get repetitive and im sure that's worse when you're not the one doing a whole thing and are just kinda along for the ride. and in the moment, that was all fine bc i was feeling normal then. but later, and maybe it's just due to her feeling tired and i dunno, just whatever decides to creep in and poison my brain, i start thinking oh did she regret coming out for this long. i'm just wondering if im keeping her from other stuff she wants to be doing.

i hate when i know my brain is thinking the wrong thing from someone else talking to me bc i want to be open and share that it went into my head the wrong way, but i don't want anyone. i don't want her especially editing her thoughts and feelings before sharing them with me. i don't want her to pause and wonder if it's something i can handle or if ill take it the wrong way or if she has to soften it with a bunch of pillows around the message so my stupid brain doesn't find a way to misinterpret things. i hope it'll float back out and fast as it popped up and i won't feel the need to share it with her bc otherwise, i dunno. i hate the idea of keeping a concern quiet. she's always so honest with me about everything it just feels wrong to push something down deep

but i'm attached to the idea of her just being able to empty all her thoughts from her head directly into my lap, knowing they'll be sorted carefully and thoughtfully. bc they will. some just put up a bit of a fight, a delayed one even, but it's not like im going to let the poison win.