#and i'm hoping this is a super temporary thing and i can actually use my degree

[daz4i]

well it's been awhile since i last reached a point of crying from pain - less from the actual pain itself and more the frustration over it not going away - but it's nice to see that things always reach the point of me leaning on the wall in the shower half screaming half groaning bc what else do i even have left to do abt this shit.

[eccentriccryptid]

.

[brucewaynehater101]

Apologies if I'm remembering wrong but I recall you posting/reblogging a post of Tim being afraid for Damian after he became Robin, thinking Red Hood would redirect his ire to him

Let's expand on that, Damian finding out about all the horrible shit Tim went through and put himself through and beginning to dread being Robin more and more but not wanting to take it back because he doesn't want to add onto Tim's pain

((and also because giving up robin would make him look week, but that's just an excuse))

So Damian is wrecked with anxiety because when is the hammer gonna drop and he'll receive what Tim did?

And if Tim's inheritance is going to be his, that means inheriting all the labor he is endures when running Wayne Enterprises, and etc

And Damian—wrong as he is—thinking himself selfish for hoping Tim stays in the family just so the day he inherits his duties comes later

Damian bonding with Tim over pain the latter experienced and the former is certain he will as well

((and also imagine what will go through Damian's head if he were to find out Tim doesn't even consider himself an actual Wayne member and just a Placeholder to keep the family from crumbling to pieces like that other post, a Placeholder until Jason and Damian came))

((and suddenly his assassination attempts seem like all for nothing and even self-sabotage, woof))

Hello! It seems that there are two of my posts you're referring to here (which is super super cool). This is going to be a long post cause it inspired me to really look at their dynamic and explore it.

One post talks about how Tim became Red Robin and didn't choose another mantle. There's a few reasons for this (like not being able to step down from his role of helping Bruce), but the reason you're referring to is another theory of mine. Tim may be Red Robin to share the burden and pain being Robin entails. He doesn't want Damian to face it alone. By being Red Robin, he can shoulder some of the ire from Batman.

The other post has Tim, who signed himself up to being Jason's placeholder both in an out of the mask, seeing himself as worthless and temporary. Both of his roles, being Jason and being Robin, got filled by Jason and Damian later.

Now that we've got the background, I absolutely love your take on this. I will add a few fics that expand on this view, but I do want to talk about it more first.

Unfortunately, Damian is used to a lot of abuse before coming to live with the Waynes (I love good mom Talia, but training to be an assassin is still abuse. She could have good reasons, but it still hurt Damian). He probably felt that he needed to earn his place and fulfill his familial role as Robin. Even as he matures and heals a bit, he may be reluctant to let Robin go. That type of training and enforced dedication to family is not simple to let go (even from a purely emotional abuse standpoint without any of the physical abuse he likely endured [This can be another thing he shares with Tim and his reluctantance to let Red Robin go]).

Kids, like Damian, will see others in similar situations and try to avoid their fate.

What is more likely? Tim is just special in being a target of isolation and abuse, or that Damian could one day be treated the same?

There's a ton of interesting theories about roles within abusive families (my family was emotionally abusive fyi). The sad part is that some of the kids will follow the example of their parents and abuse their siblings. This is both because parents model behavior and as a survival technique to not become the scapegoat like that one sibling. Damian may have joined in on being verbally abusive for both of these reasons (as well as being an extremely traumatized kid lashing out).

As he grows older and gains perspective (as well as distance from his LoA days), he may reflect on his behavior and the treatment of Tim. Tim is also the closest in age to Damian. He might be around physically more than the other siblings (besides Duke). Perhaps Duke even points out the differential treatment. There's a lot of ways that the metaphorical ball could get rolling.

This could be where Damian starts to regret his actions toward Tim. It may start from a selfish place (which, survival is not selfish and being selfish isn't always bad) of Damian realizing the assassination attempts are self-sabotage (and I love this idea and reflection on Damian). This would then morph into a genuine relationship and reliance on Tim.

I imagine, with these circumstances, that Tim becomes an anchor and safe point for Damian. All of the siblings have varying effects on the others, but this would be separate from that. While Dick is Damian's harbor, Tim would be closer to a lighthouse protecting Damian from the rocky shoreline. Dick is a place to rest and heal. Tim is a warning and guide (feel free to reblog with how the other batkids would be with Damian or each other).

Continually, Damian wanting Tim to stick around the family for his own safety hurts like hell. This casts the older sibling guilt (of leaving your siblings behind in that damn house) in a younger sibling's shame. Depending on the age, the younger sibling might be angry the older left or ashamed they want to ask in the first place. As a middle child, that fucking hurts (my situation is a bit more nuanced than that, but fuck. Ow).

Anyways, tons of angst to explore there on both of their parts.

I sincerely hope that Damian gets a life outside of WE. I hope he at least has time to explore himself (and maybe get a different career) before ever taking up WE. Depending on Tim's role in WE, this may fuck him over. I would be down to read some fics that explore Tim struggling under WE (cause he was meant for the research labs and not meeting rooms) and his refusal to step down due to the pressure that would put on Damian's shoulders (I know Tim isn't actually CEO in canon, but it's good to explore how the expectation of taking up the family business affects sibling dynamics).

Fic rec time! All are on AO3

"Exit Strategy" by smilebackwards (Tim's plan to leave the Waynes creates the ability for Damian and Tim to bond [not that Damian knows this is the plan]. Hurt ensues).

"Taming a Baby Assassin" by nighttmr (Tim, after being notified that he's getting a younger sibling with Damian, decides he'll be a big brother regardless of the effort required).

"Some Common Ground" by Do_wa_diddy (Both Damian and Tim are used to cruel standards of training. The others do not understand this and try to limit how they train. This causes Tim and Damian to bond).

"Just Like the Movies" by faithms (Damian finds a flash drive of all the times Bruce has been horrible to Tim).

"The Study of Birds" by MaskoftheRay (Tim and Damian find a common interest in bird watching. It shows them slowly becoming closer despite the obstacles).

Last one:

"You'll Change Your Name or Change Your Mind (previous title: Tim Drake Learns to Set Boundaries)" series by samsamiam.

I wholeheartedly recommend this series. Basically, Tim sets boundaries for himself while offering Damian sanctuary (should the kid need). It becomes Tim protecting Damian even from Bruce. Very very very good.

[funnier-as-a-system]

okay, this is gonna sound super stupid, but I desperately need advice:

does talking to other people in your head to comfort yourself count as being on the plurality spectrum?? I'm not educated on it by any means, and sometimes its just my own thoughts, and sometimes theres other people in my head. Am i just making this all up??? Im actually kinda nervous ab this , so any advice is welcome ,,

(other info: I also disassociate sometimes too, just going throughout my days just living in my head / talking to myself, or feeling like nothing is real ,, )

It very well may be plurality! In fact, I'd say it almost certainly sounds like it!

In plurality, there is more than one self-aware self or being occupying the same body. This includes situations of multiple people sharing the same body who talk to each other (and comfort each other). The question for you, then, is this: are these people you talk to self-aware? Or are they simple figures you imagine to bring you comfort? (There's no shame in the second, btw!)

Since you talk to them, it seems like the best course of action may be to just ask them whether or not they consider themselves their own people, or headmates. If they answer "yes", well, that's that, isn't it? You've got multiple people in your head who can think for themselves! (And if you feel like you're controlling or strongly guiding their answer, well, that's an indicator in the other direction, isn't it?) Now, this may get a bit tricky since it's sometimes your own thoughts that you talk to, but I assume there's a distinction between your thoughts and these other people that you can make and recognize whenever you talk to yourself or them. I also acknowledge that self-doubt is an annoying burr when it comes to things like this, and your initial reaction may be, "But what if I just imagine/make up their answer?" – in these cases, there's not much you can do except do your best to trust your headmates that they're speaking for themselves, but if you're especially worried about it, looking for corroborative evidence of plurality – like switches, memory gaps, differences in opinion between yourself and your headmates, etc. – may help you shut down those fears of making it all up. Speaking of...

The dissociation you mention also sounds like another indicator that you may be plural, as systems often experience dissociation like that. Granted, so do those with immersive daydreaming, but that just loops us back around to the question of whether or not these people in your head are temporary figments of your imagination you conjure up for the purpose of comfort or a daydream narrative, or just people living in there who comfort you when you need it. And if you've got a feeling one way or the other just based on the way I'm talking about them... follow it. It's probably the right one.

I very much doubt that you're making all this up; whether or not you're plural, you're definitely experiencing something, and you wouldn't request advice if that something didn't matter to you. With all honesty, I'm trying to do my best to cover all possibilities here just in case, but if this weren't already a conversation about you questioning if you're a system, I would be suggesting that you look into the idea of plurality from the moment you mentioned these other people in your head.

In conclusion, while I'd never decide for someone else whether or not they're on the plurality spectrum, it does sound very, very likely to me that you are. "I have people in my head who comfort me and aren't just my own thoughts." is a very, very plural thing to say.

If you'd like to learn more about plurality, I recommend checking out morethanone and healthymultiplicity.com. They're good resources for those new to plurality, as well as those questioning if they're plural.

I hope this helps!

[diagonal-queen]

hello can i request dazai, kunikida, and fyodor with an insomniac s/o who's really tired after a busy day but can't seem to fall asleep no matter what and gets frustrated bc of it

"Can't sleep?"

♡ pairing: Dazai Osamu, Doppo Kunikida, Fyodor Dostoyevsky x gn!Reader

♡ synopsis: How do they help their S/O with insomnia get to sleep?

♡ cw: Reader is an insomniac (I genuinely don't know how that would manifest itself as a trigger but hey! I'm just one person in a sheltered world. Stay safe everyone <3), probably super inaccurate because I myself am not an insomniac and don't really know everything about it, Dazai horny, mentions of taking medication, mentions of alcohol, swearing

note: I feel like garbage cus my writing takes forever and I feel like I'm letting y'all down for taking so long with reqs, but I don't know what to do to fix itttttttt. Apologies for errors and I hope you enjoy x

Dazai:

Well reader. You're lucky you cuffed yourself a night owl

He'll help you calm down from your frustration and tell you that it's fully normal. Everyone has trouble falling asleep, and you just haven't figured out an effective routine yet. He doesn't really know what he's talking about but if it makes you feel better then meh

His first suggestion would probably be sex, to tire you out. Even better if you go for multiple rounds just to be sure~

Yeah right Dazai, like anyone's gonna wanna fuck every single work night (besides him lmao). Safe to say, the idea is thrown out pretty quickly

He'll throw some similar ideas around (not necessarily sexual but certainly 'if they're tired out then they'll fall asleep faster') but those are all just temporary solutions, so he gives up quickly. What else did you expect from him?

He might also suggest drinking yourself to sleep since alcohol is a depressant and makes you tired. You have to remind him that excessive drinking is actually not good for you and should NOT be used as a substitute for sleep meds

He reckons that it's best for you two to let sleep overtake you naturally, and so you may as well just stay up for now.

From then on Dazai treats every single night like a sleepover. He'll wanna watch movies, eat snacks, and talk all night even if it's a work night and you absolutely shouldn't do that

If you want, he's happy to do something more chill like cuddling while sharing a pair of earphones playing mellow music

Whatever it is that the pair of you decide to do, he'll likely find that it helps him just as much, maybe even more, than it helps you. And he's grateful for that

Kunikida:

I feel like Kunikida also has at least mild insomnia, so he knows just how you feel and is right there to help you out

He's got it all ready. Fans/blankets to balance out the room's temperature, a warm drink (milk, tea, whatever you prefer), basically all the stuff Google would suggest

He would do all of that stuff alongside you even if he's already tired enough to fall asleep on his own because he understands the struggle. He doesn't give up until you're asleep and honestly get you a man who would also do that

He also discourages you from things like caffeine before bed or napping during the day to help you get more sleep at night

He'd make a whole new bedtime routine for the two of you and adjust it based on what works, it'd be like a whole thing that he takes super seriously

He'd suggest reading before bed and recommend/lend you books that he likes, and also read to you if you really pleaded for it. He really enjoys reading and he would be thrilled if the pair of you had a little thing you did together <3

If they don't give any side effects/react poorly with any meds you may already take then he would also give you some of his sleeping pills (because let's be real he's fully stocked with them. this man)

Kunikida would let you cuddle him in your sleep whether or not he likes it or it makes him sweat, because let's face it you need the sleep and he needs the physical touch. It's basically a win-win

He gives you permission to wake him up if you can't sleep and need his help, or if you want company in your waking time.

He honestly does whatever it takes to help you because he cares so much about you. Perfect man fr

Fyodor:

Bold of you to assume that Fyodor sleeps. Like ever. He's too busy being evil or something

When he learns that you're an insomniac he's fully willing to let you stay up late with him while he's working if you're in need of company. He doesn't care whether you're just on your phone or reading a book or whatever

If you ask him he'll also let you sit in his lap and cuddle him (as long as you don't bother him- if you do he's sending you right to bed)

Fyodor knows that calming music is a good way to help people sleep, so if you're down he'd be willing to play something mellow and soft on his cello for you

He probably wouldn't admit it but he kinda likes that you find it hard to get to sleep since it gives him an excuse to spend more time with you

But if you really do wanna get to bed then he'll have some tea made for you and he'll read to you. His voice is very relaxing and nice to fall asleep to and he kinda knows it (he's smug about it too because he's a bastard)

If you find that you actually sleep better in his presence then he's more than happy to move a couch into his office and let you sleep there.

He's also happy to forfeit (SOME) work so he can come to bed earlier and help you sleep. And he's also happy to cuddle you because you're warm

Fyodor will basically just help you get to sleep with methods that he uses to get himself to sleep because it's the only way he knows how. Even if it doesn't work please give him credit for trying because he really is trying super hard T-T

taglist~ ♡ @gettinshiggywithit, @fyodorhatr, @flower-of-darkness, @bejeweledgirl, @kokoenjiandco

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #529 (Part 2)

Okay! I’m finally back! That took a hot minute, goodness me! Sorry about that!

So! Here are a few more pictures of the landscape along the way as we flew to where we are now; you won’t believe how colorful some of the mountains we passed were!

We… had to stop in the southwest corner of North Dakota. You see, there are wildfires raging in Canada right now, up north. And there are also wildfires raging to the east. And the wind is making the smoke be where we are, which is making the air just a little screwy:

...The sections highlighted in yellow and reddish-orange are places where there is smoke. J and I couldn’t see very well anymore, it was so thick where we were. So we landed.

Thankfully, the people here are NOT treating us like suspicious persons of ill intentions (which is more than can be said for Hillsboro and Lewiston). And this place has a fairly nice lounge, too, actually:

Yes, of course I brought you along with me, as I'm sure you can see on the table in the picture; surely you can't think I'd go anywhere and leave you behind??? What do you take me for? Hahaha!

...You're with me everywhere. Even though you're not at my side (which, for the record, is really very terrible!!), you're still with me. In every word I speak, every breath I take, and in every small thing I do. I owe it all to you; thank you.

Anyway!!! The best part??? This is Nyx, our temporary canine friend!! Please say hello!

She's super friendly!! And, much like Indy yesterday, she seemed to take an immediate liking to me! And to J, too; it's so lovely to see a properly socialized doggo!

This place has a courtesy car that doesn’t have a time limit, too. We used it to go to a newly-established place that sells Mexican food; the only other available options were bars, and J wasn’t feeling pub food, because heavy food makes his stomach get all oogly:

It’s just a food truck parked in the back of the shopkeep’s house, but still! There were nice lilacs nearby, and the people there were mega super friendly, and the food was REALLY GOOD!!!

And now we’re here, back at the airport. And now is now. We are gonna wake up at 3:30am so that we can try to leave by 4:30. It is currently 7:29pm; I need to go to bed now. 6 hours isn’t really doing it for me, I gotta say. Holy shit.

I love you so much and I hope you know it. Keep an eye on us as we try to navigate through the curtain of smoke ahead of us, okay? And please… please stay safe out there, wherever you are and whatever you’re doing.

I’ll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[subway-boss-jericho]

▽ Intro // AU Mega Masterlist! ▲

Hi!! I'm Jericho! My main is @joyfulness03 so if you see me rbing your stuff that's me! I try not to reblog stuff here because then I would never post my own art,, I think it's an autism thing

I've got the classic auDHD and I use Ey/Em/Eyrs neopronouns! Also! There will never be any kind of NSFW on this blog! I am aro/ace and discussion of such makes me uncomfortable, so please don't interact with my stuff in that way!

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I do not want blankshippers or inc/st shippers on my blog! nsfw already makes me uncomfortable. please respect my boundaries by keeping your fetishes private.

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With that aside! Hi! I ramble! 👉👈 Nice to meet you! I am super open to asks and submissions! Feel free to say hi, ask questions, and engage with my stuff :D I love all comments and questions. I don't post super frequently because my brain is not very compatible with social media, but I hope you enjoy what I do post :] And I'm trying to get better at it, one step at a time.

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If I've posted something upsetting or triggering without tagging it correctly please inform me right away! I don't plan to post upsetting stuff but if I have I will do my best to tag.

I do not plan to tag angst! If this becomes a problem I will course-correct, but in the meantime know that this blog will probably have a lot of angst and/or dramatics because I am a Hurt/Comfort writer! I will not be offended if you choose to block me! 🤍

Below the -read more- is a big compilation of all of my AUs that are currently public! Feel free to ask questions about any that catch your interest!

✨🤍Thank you for reading!! Everybody smile! All aboard! 🤍✨

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These are sorted in alphabetical order, not by quantity of content or chronological age! The tags won't be used on every post, and so are mainly here to give you an idea of what each AU is about!

ALSO: I have a UQuiz that has ALL of my noteworthy AUs in it!! So if you wanna have a fun go at that, check it out:

Coupled (Uncoupled) - Fusion AU Tags: #Coupled (Uncoupled), #Fusion AU, #Post Canon Befriend my reflection to find my shadow (Reflection AU) - Cross-Dimensional AU Tags: #Befriend My Reflection, #Reflection AU, #TwoLeftHands Faling, falling, with no one to catch you - Double Faller AU Tags: #FallingFalling, #Ultra Wormholes, #Reunion Fossil AU Tags: #Fossil AU, #Death, #Temporary Character Death, #Reunion Half-Ghost AU Tags: #Half Ghost AU, #Death, #Major Character Death Hero!Ingo AU Tags: #Chosen Hero Ingo, #Hero AU how could we have possibly fallen this far? (2D AU) - Real World AU Tags: #2D AU, #Mind Fuck, #Emmet in NYC, #Reunion I feel your heartbeat buzzing in my chest - Combee AU Tags: #Combee AU, #Combee PreFall, #Combee PostFall, #Vespingo, #Vespaegis, #Reunion, #Combee Ingo and Ingo and Emmet Hop The Multiverse - Dimension Hoppers AU Tags: #IAIAEHTM, #Dimension Hoppers, #NonCanon Shenanigans, #Reunion, #Fix-It Fic I See You - Song AU Tags: #I See You Legacy Tags: #Legacy, #Post Canon, #Past Character Death, #No Reunion, #OC Family Members Mechanical Dreams (can you hear the cogs clicking?) - Mecha AU Tags: #Mechanical Dreams, #Mecha AU, #Crack AU, #Extreme Canon Divergence, #OCs, #G/t, #Size Shifting My Echo - Song AU Tags: #Echo AU oh my god what the fuck is ingo doing in pokemon mystery dungeon (omgPMD) - PMD AU Tags: #omgPMD, #PMD AU, #Reunion Quantum Superposition AU Tags: #Quantum AU, #No Canon Ending, #Hurt No Comfort Static Meltdown - One Move AU Tags: #Static Meltdown, #One Move AU, #No Canon Ending Steady Tracks Do Not Waver - Pokemon!Ingo AU Tags: #Steady Tracks, #STDNW, #Steady Tracks Official Art, #Pokemon!Ingo,* #Post Canon, #Reunion, #Implied Character Death, #Past Character Death** (*this tag will change later) (**No one actually died) Take My Hand! - that one episode of ben 10 Tags: #Take My Hand!, #TMH!, #Handy AU, #Crack AU, #Disability Support Pokemon The Spirit Keeper - Spiritomb AU Tags: #Spirit Keeper Ingo, #Spirit Keeper, #Spirit Farer Emmet*, #Reunion (*Branch AU) The Whole World Is Against You - Public Enemy #1 Emmet AU Tags: #TWWIAY, #Public Enemy Emmet, #Enemmet, #Reunion Treehouse - Song AU/Childhood AU Tags: #Treehouse, #Song Fic, #Pre Canon, #Kid AU, #Divorce, #Complicated Upbringing While You Were Gone - Time Capsule AU Tags: #WYWG, #Implied Character Death, #Past Character Death, #Post Canon, #Reunion Your reflection in the mirror is reversed - Impersonation AU Tags: #Your Reflection AU, #Impersonation, #I Am Ingo, #Reunion

[aspennotpoplar]

aaaaaaaa I made my first YouTube short!! ngl it's a little scary to post it? but hey! I made an emotional support chicken! (click for pattern link) i'm super happy with how it came out and I wanted to show himb off! There are size details in the short, if you're interested to know!

he's currently winging his way across the US to his final home, but I took loads of pics and video before I let him fly away!

Idk if the new owner will name him or not, but my name for him is General Tso!

I actually modified the pattern "on the fly," making him look more "knit" than crochet. It was pretty easy to do, I mostly just changed many of the SC stitches to SCBLO stitches. The yarn I used is Red Heart Bitty Stripes, in 3 different colorways. Main was Crayon Box, accents were Moonbeam and Rainbow.

If you wanna see some more pictures of the General, here he is in all his rainbow glory!

[the chicken regards you, probably judging your soul]

A saucy birb.

I love his stripey underbelly!

He's a really big motherclucker!!

Truly, a great size for hugs. I'm sure he'll do splendid in his new job as Emotional Support General for my client's mom. He's a birthday gift!

Happy tails, General Tso!

If you wanna know a bit about me, my name is Aspen Evelyn Schiller, and I make things. I'm a nonbinary, queer, disabled, pagan artist in my 30s. I love tea, coffee, cats, books, cooking, and video games, when I'm not obsessing over my latest projects! I do a LOT of fiber arts. I am a fiber arts gremlin.

I have an email list I'm building along with a website that is under construction. The email list is currently located at https://www.aspennotpoplar.com/ and when the site is done, that's where you will find the website. :) Think of the email list page I have up now as my temporary landing page.

My email list is where you'll get updates and info on my latest works, primarily embroidered jewelry, mini paintings, and other textile and fiber art related goodies! Also, my email subscribers get first dibs on everything I make, with a week-long head start! If you're interested in owning one of my pieces, the best way to get what you want is to sign up for the email list.

You can also contact me through there if you have a commission idea! Just a heads up, I may not be accepting commissions at the time, but you're more than welcome to express interest and discuss the possibility with me, even if I'm not currently able to take it on. If you want, I can put your name on a wait list and contact you when I have an open spot!

I'm really excited about my new shop! I hope some of y'all will consider signing up for updates. :)

EDIT: I updated the post to add the video directly instead of just a link to youtube! The youtube short link is here, if you wanna see it there for any reason:

https://youtu.be/-yRlcyt3tkk

[goggles-mcgee]

What killed the show for you?

A lot, actually. But it wasn't all at once. It was like slowly creeping in, and then the rest hit me in the face with a loud, resounding BAM.

It started off with noticing how Marinette was being treated. Like I said before, she was being punished for basically everything she did. She could sneeze at the wrong moment and the show would 'punish' her for that behavior and basically show everyone that by sneezing she ruined the ambiance of whatever was going on.

She had to apologize for things that weren't her fault but it was painted out like she was.

Made her crush/love for Adrien seem super creepy as opposed to his love for Ladybug.

Marinette has basically only been allowed temporary happiness. She had to see a future when the world ended all because she wanted to do something for Adrien and 'abused' her power as Ladybug... if that were an actual rule you would think that Gabriel would have been slapped in the face down into a grave with how he used his Miraculous.

From there is got worse, then other characters started to get terrible writing when Lila arrived. She was an interesting antagonist, but like they hammed her up so much. She would be on screen and the writing for the surrounding characters got worse. It was odd and it didn't make watching enjoyable anymore. It was frustrating! Like you mean to tell me no one else caught on to her ridiculous lies besides Marinette and Marinette only knows because of her creepy crush making her stalk Adrien? Wack.

And like the whole class fell for it? Nah, there would be some who don't, and the fact they decided no, everyone will believe her except Marinette is lazy and ridiculous. Maybe if her lies were more believable I'd tolerate it but from that point on the show just frustrated me.

There was nothing to look forward to despite me desperately clutching at the show and begging it to catch my attention and affection once more.

There's also the fact that the show has like no to little continuity. Even shows meant for younger audiences have SOME. And I know because my nephew watches so many shows, he is currently 5, so I think you can guess the kind of shows he watches. Even they have some levels of continuity and it make sense!

ML doesn't have that or didn't before I stopped watching.

They have a romance they are desperately trying to sell as true love.

They have a villain they tried to get you to see has doing the wrong thing for the right reasons.

A villain they also tried to sell loved his son but it couldn't be more obvious that he doesn't.

They have the notion of friendship concurs all, but it's not really sticking, much like undercooked pasta to a wall.

And other reasons.

But hey, these are my reasons, and I am in no way saying other fans should stop watching. If they can still find things about the show enjoyable, then I'm happy for them! I hope they have a great time following the show as it continues.

It's just not for me anymore.

[georg-prime]

AaA finale wishes

Things I'm expecting to happen in no particular order:

Next trial is the last one, it's the earth trial but here it doesn't necessarily need a green witch to solve it

Agatha helps both Jen and Billy to regain the memories they lost after their own near death experience

Jen and Billy get out of the road without Agatha but not because they wanted to (either she push them out somehow for some reason, or Rio separate them on purpose then tries and keeps Agatha trapped so that she dies or something)

Timey wimey stuff happen because 'time is an illusion'

we see how Agatha was born/why her mother decided she was evil from birth

We see how Agatha and 'Rio' met and fell in love

How Agatha aquiered the darkhold

Some twist about Nick Scratch

Billy getting his full Wiccan appearance with a blueish suit and a red cape

Jen begins to teach other people, spreading good important witchy knowledge

Things I hope we'll get:

Part of the timey wimey stuff is that Wanda's kids were created from preexisting souls (at least pieces of them) who then went back to the body they were meant to be, hense Wanda's "thank you for choosing me to be your mother". Billy's reunion won't be with Tommy yet, nor Wanda, but with himself: he always has been Billy Kaplan he just also was Billy Maximoff for a bit too

We learn that an other teenager had a near death experience near Westview when the hex went down, but his powers suddenly manifested in a more violent way while he also had no idea who he was anymore. Tommy's souls might still be broken in two which could be why Billy can feel him in a way without really being able to know where he is. Or Tommy really is in a certain institution after he accidentally made things explode, and it's a place build to block all kinds of powers

Explanations about 'Rio', her origins and powers, and purpose. Is she really big cosmic entity Death, or a temporary limited to Earth jurisdiction, nerfed avatar of Death? Is she solidifying people's soul into flowers to transport them? Where does she take them, is it Mephisto's Hell dimension or Dormmamu's or an other - frustratingly - unspecified afterlife place. Would be nice if it was Battleworld for some of them so that we get a chance to see at least Alice again.

Speaking about Alice, if she isn't taken to Battleworld, a version of her from an alternate reality appears at the end.

Implied that Agatha starts or think of starting a magic academy like the MCU's version of Strange Academy

Someone drops the word 'mutant' - like they did in Miss Marvel - for Agatha, and possibly Billy.

Rather than 'Rio' getting Agatha to die in one way or an other, Agatha (maybe with Billy's help) 'frees' her from this Death job, and she just stays/goes back to being a green witch. She's very pissed and might try to/swears that she will directly kill Agatha but it is implied that they might now be more likely to reconcile one day - especially after also having here talked (screamed at each other) about Nicolas.

Billy goes home to his parents and tells them he remembers everything

America Chavez (and/or Kamala Khan and/or Kate Bishop) shows up in the credits

Somehow we learn Sharon "Ms Hart" Devis was using magic so that her flowers look perfect

The Bohner family reunion t-shirt was foreshadowing hilariously, and Ralph is actually Nick - is set up to be an antagonist in a sequel/spin off or something, it introduce Mephisto to the MCU like Thanos was before he appears in Ironheart

Just hopefully it's really as satisfying as they say it is, and not super depressing. In my honest opinion superhero fatigue isn't a thing, people just kept getting disappointed that those movies/shows rather than being cool and fun and safe entertainment, where the protagonist save the day and get the girl/guy, where now almost systematically full of tragedies or at best bitter-sweet.

Just give us some Halloween themed fun please haha 😅

[sercphs]

@abyssmalice asked:

There is no good way to broach this topic with Seth, as far as Tonia knows. During the quiet moments on this journey, she contemplates the best way to bring it up, her mouth sometimes opening to discuss - before she clamps it shut, or otherwise changes topic. But the desire to say something remains and, well.

At some point, she'll be too frustrated to find a better way to word things. Like right now.

"—Do you want me to turn your M.I.N.D. off?" Tonia sits on a large piece of rubble, elevating her to a height where her feet don't touch the ground. "Like, I'm not talking about killing you or that Construct thing where you go into hibernation for routine system maintenance or whatever that is. I mean like, actually turn you off, for a little bit."

As a childish sort of distraction, she starts to restlessly swing her legs. "Like, normally I wouldn't be able to do that, but with the virus technically infecting your frame, I could probably bypass your programming and force a temporary shutdown if I wanted to. Maybe. I think. A-Anyway, the point is - if you want to literally turn your head off for a little bit like, super-completely, I can probably do that!"

A pause, as she glances off to the side. Her voice is a much more quiet mutter when she speaks again, "...It might help with the nightmares... if you want..."

⠀⠀⠀⠀Unusual questions posed in unusual circumstances has long become expected of interacting with Tonia. Be it about his sword or about what they're doing next - she has a knack for asking questions straight out of nowhere with no relevance to anything.

⠀⠀⠀⠀So it is that her question - one that could be construed as something very hostile - is given ample pause while he pulls apart a deceased construct. His sword rests comfortably at his side as careful and diligent efforts to precisely deconstruct the mostly in-tact but decidedly deceased construct are carried out.

⠀⠀⠀⠀The question is greeted with a calm silence, her companion continuing the work at hand for a few moments as she speaks, proposes her idea. Solitude for a bit, perhaps. To be devoid of self - to be truly turned off for a bit before being reactivated. Something that could, in theory, be nice.

"That will not be needed."

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀A simple response.

"For me, it would be little more than a blink between deactivation and reactivation. It might resolve some underlying issues within my M.I.N.D.'s structure from continuous runtime, but the issues I face are... Beyond just hardware or software issues."

⠀⠀⠀⠀Pop. The panel comes off, and he carefully starts pulling some components out. Good to keep replacements and spares on hands - as well as things that might be useful for upgrading himself. Babylonia keeps making better and better constructs after all.

"I... Appreciate the thoughts. The concern. But... This is not something that can be so easily amended. In time, perhaps, there will be solace. An answer at the end of that long dark. But it will not come from the lie of silence."

⠀⠀⠀⠀He pauses again, turning his gaze on Tonia.

"The cure for nightmares is resolution. It is something I hope to find in our travels."

[dksfml]

Hello hun!

I'm a very big fan of your account! I love your writing and your aesthetics! I'm a relatively new writer (i joined in December) and I would like to ask for advice!

My posts at the beginning of my account were getting a lot of attention, I have a successful fic with multiple chapters and all but lately, maybe like two months, my posts have been... dead.

Except for maybe 3 posts that I didn't put much effort to and were highly suggestive. All the rest, fluff or angst are almost invisible. At first I thought that it was because people prefer smut, but then i realized you write mostly fluff and angst and your posts do well.

Do you think they do well because of the time you post or the day? You think it can be the hastags or what pictures I use on the fic? Or maybe is it my writing? Or because it looks "too fancy" ? I would love to read your opinion and maybe advice too.

Because i feel like quitting, honestly :/ I put so much effort in what i do, and i have a bunch of followers, but it doesnt do anything. And im frustrated. :/ Thank you for your time, and i hope you are doing well!

hey love!! first of all, thank you so much for your sweet words, that really means a lot 🥺💛 and I totally get how you’re feeling. sometimes things pick up, and sometimes they just… don’t, and it can be so discouraging, especially when you’re putting your heart into your work :(

from my experience, I don’t actually have a set time or day to post my fics, it’s pretty random I guess?? so I wouldn’t stress too much about the “perfect” time. but what has helped me is understanding my audience more over time, and getting a bit of a feel for how the algorithm works. and something I personally find super important is how you present your fic! like, the way you introduce it or tease it, to give people a little taste of the hook or the emotional punch can really make a difference in grabbing their attention.

also, don’t be afraid to interact with your followers or mutuals! building a little community makes writing feel less lonely, and you start to find people who genuinely enjoy and support your work.

but most importantly, anon, you don’t have to write based on what people expect or what seems to "perform well." your writing is yours, and it’s okay to create for yourself first and foremost. trends and numbers come and go, but your passion and effort are real and valuable. please don’t let temporary silence make you feel like your work doesn’t matter, because it really does. you’re doing amazing, and I’m rooting for you always <3333

[isca-rambles]

Okay, I've been neglecting this side of things for a long while, apologies. Hope everyone has been keeping okay and enjoying all the wonderful fic and edits etc we've been getting from the community over this long hiatus. Can't believe I'm actually getting nervous about the series starting, but I'm just very terrified of things getting too busy and overwhelming for me in the various fan spaces I'm in. I've only known this fandom in a hiatus so during the actual show will be interesting! Going to throw some of my 'theories' in here but they're based heavily on the promos, trailer, and interviews we've seen so if you're avoiding any of that before the show, I'll pop them under a spoiler tag! ...if I can remember how.

Okay, everyone else gone? Good. Right.

So Lucy is going to be a temporary TO until Celina graduates (poor Celina has been a rookie for what seems like actual years but I guess they're saying it's only been under a year sure okay) and Nolan will take over. Seth, Lucy's rookie, will be eager but very awkward and not fast on his feet. I adore him already but please don't fuck this up for Lucy, Seth. I reckon she'll have to give in and go to Tim for advice on how to be a tougher TO, which he'll happily give her after some flirt-teasing. And Tim, likewise, will have trouble with Miles because he's not technically a boot, he's not going to be afraid of Tim the same way real rookies are. Newly therapised and maybe as part of the small doses, he'll go to Lucy for advice on changing up his TO style a little more. Then we get a wonderful balance of them both using each other's styles. Miles has likely left Texas with his family or just his sister to protect them from a situation or a person. Potentially a DV situation, not that I want to throw that around so casually, but whatever the reason I have a feeling Miles is putting on a big front of being cool and flirty (he will absolutely try to charm everyone, especially Lucy, and Tim will be pissed af) but once things get out, he'll show more vulnerability and humility. Tim will, again newly therapised, be able to connect with Miles and help him one way or another. Or, at the very least, be able to understand why he left Texas and why staying here is important. Onto Lucy and Tim. So I have so many different theories for them. I hope we don't miss too much of them getting back to a more comfortable space with each other, and we at least get to see some of the small doses, but I am glad there's going to be a little timeskip (a couple of weeks apparently?) so we can at least have them talking and comfortable. Tim is going to be so fucking proud of Lucy being asked to be a temporary TO and he will 100% be in her corner, if he's not the one who suggested her to Grey/the captain when they realised they were short a TO. There will be flirting. So much flirting. I mean this isn't a prediction we've seen the trailer and teasers. In terms of the bet, they'll get super into it and very competitive. At some point, whether it's during the roundup or something else, they'll start maybe getting too competitive and either someone nearly gets hurt or nearly fucks up, or someone (Lucy or Tim) gets their feelings hurt. They'll pull back a little, maybe after a talk or a fight, and go a little calmer. I can 100% seeing Tim ending up throwing their bet to 'let' Lucy win, because he knows she needs some wins and he just wants to see her happy. Think of Jake fumbling to let Amy win in B99. I can see Lucy also either trying to give Tim the win or refusing for him to 'let' her win, so she tries to throw the bet too. Their rookies will be so confused and it will be wonderful. Also that scene of their shops pulling up next to each other and the rookies running out? I am 99% convinced that's during the roundup and they both race to a call and get there at the same time, so they make Seth and Miles race for the arrest and winning point. Seth's been potentially fucking up so he's desperate to prove himself, maybe something goes wrong and Tim and Lucy call a tie or truce on their bet. But can you imagine if either one of them wins and they say they don't want their winnings, they want a drink/dinner/date/adult conversation? As for messy Chenford, as in hooking up before they're officially back together, I think there's a good chance of it. I'm happy with whatever route they take tbh, so long as they're back together by the end of S7. Messy, slowburn, small doses, secret dating - whatever, just be happy. For *that* clip, it'll be during the Gala. Tim will get mildly injured during a scuffle and Lucy will offer to patch him up. They'll go up to what is either one of their hotel rooms or a shared hotel room for the Mid-Wilshire crew to get ready in.

Now, by this point they have either hooked up before a few times or they're back together, because Lucy is wearing *the* necklace and Tim would probably not be so bold to look at her like that (while looking like that!) if they weren't already in that place. He's going to let her take the lead so he's not going to try and seduce her without her being comfortable with it. And again, the necklace. She's not putting that back on without it meaning she's ready for the next step with him. I reckon the new necklace we've been seeing will be another gift from Tim, maybe a small dose, maybe just a 'fresh start' kind of thing. Could be something she gets for herself. I don't mind either way. So, for me I reckon a) she'll cave and kiss him and they maybe get caught or they end up in bed together b) they're already back together/being messy and the 'we shouldn't' is because people are waiting for them and they could get caught c) she doesn't kiss him in this scene but they cave like seconds or minutes later while she patches him up. They're going to try to misdirect us and do some fakeouts, it's what TV does, but I have faith that they will be together probably by the midpoint of the season, so I'm trying to stay in my positive era and not doom-spiral. Which is pretty difficult while being in a fandom but I'm staying in this era if it kills me because doom spiralling will probably actually kill me. As for the rest? So, Oscar and Jason will likely be the big plot points for 7a, while the serial killer will slowly make themselves known through 7a until becoming the big plot point in 7b. Speaking of the serial killer for the love of god would you let Lucy and everyone else have some sort of reaction to what happened to her? It doesn't need to be a massive storyline, just her her acknowledge what happened to her. Maybe the rookies notice everyone is super on edge or something. Just let them acknowledge DOD again and how traumatic it was for her and for the people who love her. Of course, my constant beg, let Lucy have better friendships. Not just with Tim. Let her be appreciated and loved and not be constantly undermined or spoken down to. I don't need it to be a massive storyline because I know we won't get that, but let people acknowledge how amazing she is. And someone, for the love of god, point out how she jumped from one speeding truck to another to save another officer. Someone other than Tim be in awe of her, right now. My thoughts on the Bailey/Oscar/Jason storyline? I honestly don't care. I think that Oscar will end up helping our lot in taking down Jason, purely because Jason is not letting him run off into the luxurious sunset like we know Oscar always wants to do. Oscar loves chaos but he likes lighting the match and running the other way. He would not want to hang around for whatever Jason has planned so I can see him swapping sides in a heartbeat if it means him getting off lighter.

Monica? God please no. She will probably be back if the set stuff is for the show and not another, but she better be in the process of being arrested or tried or something, because there is no way that woman (who is wanted by everyone, government and criminals alike) is going to be able to run all the way from fucking Argentina back to LA and not get caught. I will honestly be so fucking pissed if she is somehow back without being imprisoned immediately. Just let her storyline end please god. And do not bring back Blair istg. Aaron, my love. My precious angel. We know he's alive in the universe so I guess either he transfers to another station or he's taking off to pursue another dream or job or something and process all the shit he went through on this show. I really really hope he'll be back for at least the Chenford engagement and/or wedding, but I can't hold my breath on that. I'm so mad he was probably let go of for 'creative reasons' and I know this is how the entertainment business is, but it's ridiculous. Tru and Aaron were blessings on this show. I'm angry. Oh, Nyla! So...god I hope they're not going to kill James. Honestly I don't think they will? Maybe that's wishful thinking more than anything else. I hope it's just something temporary that's painful for her to go through and nothing more permanent. Just let them be okay please. New detective guy? Based on the description he might be making things difficult for Wes in professional and personal ways. I don't believe for a single second that Angela would cheat so it's just going to be Wesley being insecure if they go that jealousy route. Honestly I hope they just have Wes being all insecure and annoyed but then he has to work with the new guy on something and they become best buddies and Angela's just like 'wtf?' because yes.

Umm, what else what else. Lucy promotion? I'm not holding my breath but it'll be ridiculous if being a temporary TO doesn't at least give her a boost towards being a P3 and getting her stripes. I know realistically a lot of the characters waited years to get anywhere promotion wise, but Nolan outranking her just makes me bristle. And I love Celina but Lucy should not be the same rank as her for too long. Lucy is constantly fighting to prove herself to everyone, making all these incredible busts while UC and doing some amazing feats and filling in for every other job at the station when they need her to, but she's not getting the recognition and I'm still annoyed about that. Do better, show. I don't think she'll be a TO permanently, but I don't mind it as a stepping stone for her. I really don't see the show letting her be a detective, much as I want her to have her dream. I have feelings about her being UC long-term and I'd rather it not be a thing for her, if only because it'd impact her screen time. Let her do short term UC and let her figure out if UC is for her before she's back with Tim. It is an important point in their relationship, but I don't want her making the decision just for him. I just want her to realise she doesn't have to keep working towards it because she's put so much time in. It is okay for her to change her path. And honestly I could see her being an amazing Captain or Watch Commander. Let her be in charge. Let her be in the position to make changes and team lead. She's amazing with people. Or let her be a sergeant liaison for the FBI it's a real position I've googled it. I just loved her FBI scenes, okay? And if they're going to maybe have the Fed characters on the show more often since their show was cancelled, it'd be perfect. She can still patrol and still be in charge, and then she'll be out of Tim's chain of command. Hmm...what else. Oh, look, I'm pretty sure Tim's mum is dead or they're estranged. I'm sorry, Eric, but come on. She's never mentioned ever! Though hopefully we'll still get a nice family meal with Chenford and Genny and, of course, our beloved Kojo. I really don't want them to bring Ray back honestly but we'll see. I can't think that far ahead atm anyway. And Lucy definitely looks like she's going through it injury-wise from the bts stuff so please let us have Tim looking after her or being worried for her. Give us the comfort after all that hurt. Make it pay-off.I haven't seen enough either way to judge the season finale cliffhanger. There will be one but I'm not sure if it'll be about Tim getting hurt/kidnapped. It'd be nice to see some feral!Lucy but I also want to see some feral!Tim, before and after they're back together. Idk why he's wearing the suit, maybe just a court appearance. I'm trying to think of other theories I've come up with or agreed with. I guess I'll make a new post if I remember any of them. This is mostly so I can have them all written down in one place if I want to be like 'OMG LOOK I PREDICTED THIS' later, even though all my predictions are like shared by 80% of the fandom anyway. Anywaaaay, ramble over. For now. I'll remember something I want to add in like 5 seconds.

[thefirstknife]

In all honesty I want some sorta armistice with some amount of Lucent Hive for really 3 major reasons:

Absolute banger aesthetic and designs. Super cool I honestly wish I could play as one (My Necro.Grip+Osteo build & GotD armor set is the closest I'll get)

They're such an interesting concept and I need to actually see how theyre dealing with being Lightblessed. Culturally, personality I want a Hive that isn't a god to talk to us

Haha what if we were both immortal beings from opposite factions, given powers that are our ontological opposites going through a philosophical metamorphosis bc if it... ,and we kissed 👉👈🥺

Yeah, same! I would love some section of the Hive to ally with us OR to at least have a temporary truce. It would be super cool to see how that develops and if those Hive maybe look at our way of doing things and consider joining us permanently instead of following those that they were essentially born to follow.

Some Lucent Hive making a choice to stand with us would offer some super interesting implications for the Hive as a whole and also for how we would deal with that. I'm soooo interested in how Lucent Hive are developing and we've not really had any substantial exploration of that yet. It's actually one of my biggest problems with WQ and that whole year. It was such a fundamental change to the setting but didn't actually meaningfully change anything. They're still all our enemies, Lucent Hive follow the same type of philosophy, none of them have shown any sort of doubt or change of heart outside of that one from Lucent Tales who didn't want to perma-kill a Guardian.

I really hope that at some point (soon) we'll see how they're developing and how they'd act if they were given a friendly hand from us. I can see this happening either if we extend that hand on our own or if we're forced to work together and some Lucent Hive end up liking our way of things.

100% agreed on the last point. Lucent Hive are sooo kissable.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #44

So… the relief from using the Backpod was very temporary. Fortunately though, the relief appears to be reproducible, because I used it again today and ended up with the same results, so there's that much at least!

In celebration, I made a cup of the biscuit-flavored tea. Although it does taste faintly like Biscoff cookies (these are very good!), the fact remains that the flavor is indeed faint, so it mostly just tasted like regular tea. That's certainly not a bad thing, haha! But I guess I was hoping for something a little more unusual, and I was a little disappointed when it didn't pan out that way.

But that's okay! These things happen sometimes! Things can't always work out in the ways we expect! A little bit of disappointment is part of everyday living, and if you can accept that and make peace with it, then it becomes something that isn't emotionally debilitating; we can't have things go our way and get everything right all the time - it'd be too weird, and probably pretty boring eventually anyways!

So rather than ruminate over it, I simply made myself a mug of the jam-on-toast tea after I finished the biscuit tea!! And as promised, this time, I remembered to take some pictures!! Here!!

This is the way it looked before I added milk and sugar! It's got a reddish tint to it; I wonder if that comes from whatever they use to make it taste like jam.

Here's how it looked after I added milk and sugar! It really only needs a little bit of each! Today I discovered though that it tastes a little better with honey than it does with sugar.

I wanted the fact that it didn't hurt to breathe after using the Backpod to persist today, because it's very, VERY nice when breathing doesn't hurt. So for the most part, I stayed relatively still today, because I didn't wanna move too much and end up having things come back out of place again. I think my efforts mostly worked.

I passed the time by playing Pokemon Scarlet, and that was quite nice. I managed to stay properly hydrated today, too. As a result, the inside of my mind is cheerfully neutral, leaning maybe a little towards placidly hopeful and vaguely looking forward to things. The texture and shape of it comes in the colors of this melody; maybe you'll like it:

Within the next few days, there is a soup event at the place that I like to go to. A bunch of people will make soup and then share it with everyone else. So I thought to try my hand at making pumpkin soup; I know you wished you could try some before, when you were at the Halloween place with Glenn. I really wish that I could make some and then give it to you. Alas, I cannot. So instead I will make it for all the kind folks at the place; in the absence of having the ability to warm up your heart and mind with a hot, delicious, hearty soup, I will instead try to do the same for other people.

…Actually, there are a lot of wholesome things that I try to do for other people, because I cannot do them for you; I am always trying to treat the people around me with the same kindness and care that I would treat you with, if you were nearby. To be sure, it doesn't always work out, because I'm only human, and a very awkward and clumsy example of one, at that. But all the same, I do my best to hold myself accountable for my mistakes and to try to learn to be better when I fall short; I can only hope that it's enough, though admittedly, it never really feels like it is. Oh well. Maybe all this effort will be worth something in the next life. And if not… well, that's okay too. I'll decide to believe that it's still worth something, even if the best I can do is leave my immediate surroundings a little better off than when I found it.

In any case, tomorrow, I'll see about gathering the required ingredients for the soup. In the meantime, I guess I should try to decide on a recipe to follow. All of the ones that I've seen so far call for broth of some kind as a base; I'm super duper glad that I saved some of the chicken bone broth I made previously in the freezer; it'll really come in handy, and it's flavorful and very nutritious besides!! Any soup made with a homemade broth base should be at least pretty good, right? So I'll try to create something that even you could be proud of!

I don't know what sorts of things you get up to at the Edge of Creation, but whatever you do, please try to stay safe; you'll never get to try anybody's pumpkin soup if you do something reckless and end up disappearing. Take good care of yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Use the knowledge that you're loved and cared for to muster up the strength and courage to make gentle, loving choices.

I'll write to you tomorrow about my grocery store adventures! Look forward to it!!

Your friend, Lumine

[altschmerzes]

This is a super personal question so I completely understand if you choose to ignore it but I was wondering about your experience with the whole aro ace thing.? I just, I'm having some questioning confusing thoughts about things and there's such a wide range of things out there when you google I just feel like everytime I get close to being close to someone I panic and want to run because the idea of it isn't what I feel like its suppose to be. I don't know, I just feel kinda broken.

hey bud, sorry this took me a minute to get to, i had a pretty packed day. anyways, i'm gonna do my best to respond and hope i have something useful to say!! i'm always willing and happy to talk about this stuff, i know how hard it can be to muddle through and how unhelpful a lot of stuff out there can be. i'm gonna talk generally about my experience being and especially figuring out i was aro (and ace, i suppose, because while i don't really use the word 'asexual' anymore to define myself because people tended to ignore the aro part and focus on the ace part when the aro part was the part that i felt was more directly relevant to my life anyway, more important to my identity and understanding of myself + others, it like. it would still be accurate to describe me as aroace, i think!) and how i figured that out and some things i hope might be helpful. (this ended up being very long, lmao, sorry)

also - the first and most important thing is you aren't broken. no matter what the reason is you're feeling like this, you aren't Broken for not being comfortable with certain types of relationships or expectations. there's nothing wrong with that, and i'm so sorry you feel that way. i felt like that for a long time myself, and sometimes i still do, and it's terrible.

i don't really remember a lot about how i figured out i was asexual, back when that was a term i regularly and actively identified with. i remember that i freaked out at first, like. panicked about it, wholesale, and i could only really get myself to calm down about it when i reminded myself over and over that i was still 'normal' that i could 'still date and love and have relationships'. which is obviously an arophobic way to present asexuality, and was a huge warning sign of the massive internalized arophobia i was dealing with. it took me a WHILE to accept i even might be aromantic, never mind start identifying that way.

after i concluded that i was aro, it didn't really... get easier, not right away. not for a while, actually. when i first directly identified to myself that 'i am aromantic' i had an epic freak-out that outshone the way i freaked out at my (then) asexual identity by a hundred-fold. i'm talking i literally for over a week afterwards had regular, as in several times daily, panic attacks about it. given my family situation and the way society as a whole portrays and expects friendships to be temporary, situational things that fade as people 'grow up' and get 'real' relationships, i always saw romantic relationships as my only chance for actual love and the ability to build a safe and loving family. i was petrified of being alone and unloved, and that something was deeply wrong with me or missing from me for being unable to love the 'correct' way.

(obviously, this is bullshit. dominant western us american society and the narratives we're exposed to through it are... wrong. i am a person who feels a lot of love very deeply and profoundly, for the people in my life and the world at large, and i am in turn deeply and profoundly loved by the friends that have come to form my support system. i'm getting married in may, to someone with whom i have a completely platonic relationship, and relationship is one that is loving and intimate and happy and exactly what we want it to be.)

i really, really relate to what you say about how every time you get close to 'getting close to' someone you panic and want to run because that's exactly what i did - provided by 'getting close to' there you mean like, in a way that has the potential/likelihood to turn romantic and/or sexual. i always really wanted to be close to people, see above, but it always felt like i was going to have to accept that the only way to get that was to be with them romantically or sexually, and so that's what i figured i wanted whenever i felt warmly towards someone or wanted to be physically or emotionally closer to them.

when i hit high school, that was the point at which it seemed... weird that i wasn't dating and wasn't dating and wasn't dating while it seemed like everyone else was and people were getting Weird about me not dating. and so i dated. or.......... tried to. two or three times, i tried to date, with people i thought were genuinely lovely and fun to be around who i wanted to know better and wanted to develop more emotional and physical intimacy with. (i'm a physically affectionate person, and this is important to me. this was another reason that i was upset about identifying as aro - it felt like things like frequent hugs aside from brief squeezes with friends leaving events or something, cuddling, etc, most if not all types of physical intimacy were just. lost to me. which is also not the case! it's all about the specific boundaries and comfort levels in individual relationships, not the nature of those relationships. for instance, i have a very hard time sleeping lately because once i spent time sleeping in the same bed as my fiancee, i just. never want to go back to sleeping alone. and that's something i never thought i'd get to experience, but i have, and it's wonderful.)

returning to the point, these attempts at dating did Not Work. as soon as it became about dating, about romance or attempting to enter a romantic relationship, my entire Self revolted at the idea. i felt physically nauseated even just thinking about the person i was trying to date, and in one notable case with a very sweet boy in my high school freshman class when i was 14/15, we went on a few dates and do a dance together, and then the bad feelings and panic and revulsion built up in me until i sent him a frantic text essentially going I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE LEAVE ME ALONE and avoided him at school to such an extent that if i saw him in the hall i'd walk the other way. i did Not handle that well, as we can see. he was a good, lovely person, and he didn't deserve that. i actually looked him up on facebook a few years later and sent a message explaining and apologizing, and he was very sweet about it, no hard feelings, and we wished each other well.

so yeah, turned out i was aromantic, and accepting that was a huge step into no longer trying to force myself into things i didn't want and never wanted, with anyone, ever. (this goes for asexual too, since you mentioned aro and ace, which again is a like. Accurate Term for me but not one i use actively a lot anymore.)

additionally, the older i got the more annoyed and repulsed i felt by romance in fiction. fandom was a huge part of my life in my teens (and now!) and fictional narratives have always been monumentally important to me. they're how i've communicated my feelings and experiences, understood myself and others, and found meaning - and also just something i found very fun. fiction and fandom in particular also have increasingly drove me out of my fucking mind with the extreme, overwhelming emphasis on romance often to the exclusion and degradation of all else. it started out confusing and irritating me, and got to the point of being actively triggering for me. i joke sometimes that recently i've become more romance repulsed by the day, but it's true.

also, and i know this is a common one for people who are ace or aro or both - one of the bigger barriers to my choosing to identify as aromantic (and asexual, when that was relevant), outside of internalized arophobia and my fears associated with it, was the question of 'well, how do i know for sure.' it's hard to prove a negative, you know? what if i was wrong? what if i just hadn't met the right person yet? what if it changed? and it took me a while to reach this point but where i'm at now is like. well, maybe! so what if i am wrong? so what if i do meet someone later in life that i end up attracted to? that doesn't make anything about my current life wrong or untrue, and it's no guarantee. the identity label of aromantic has brought me more comfort and understanding and joy in who i am and where i fit in the world than i can express. so i'm going to identify this way, loudly and proudly, and if that changes later on, which it might but i frankly doubt it, i will never regret the time i've spent as aromantic and in the aromantic community.

this was a particularly helpful post when i was sorting things out at first. i don't know if there's anything useful to you on there, but it was a help to me.

i guess mainly it's just. that's how i sorted through things, i suppose, and as for you - how do you feel? what do you want? if you don't want to engage in sex or romance, you don't have to. period. ever. you have the automatic right to a permanent and unquestioned disengagement with sexual or romantic relationships if you do not want to have one. and if you panic when you try to engage in that sort of relationship, then maybe that's something you should listen to! i know that it was for me, it was a very clear message that i Did Not Want to do what i was trying to make myself do because i thought i had to do it. if you don't want that, you don't have to engage in it. period. ever. and there's nothing wrong with you if you don't want to or choose not to, either.