#and im into way too many things that hardly anyone cares about and most of my selfship and insert lore requires like.

[valentinesparda]

I want to talk more about self insert and self ship stuff but my god I feel like I need to be sat down and applied torture methods to be able to talk without being like *avoids topic with deflection avoids being nice by being mean avoids saying positive things by deflection etc etc*

[irndad]

if you’re still doing flower prompts i’d love either Rainflower or Purple Lilac with spencer <3

a/n: heyyyy im alive! writing from my trip, love you guys, don't know the wc! flower prompts

Rainflower - realizing that you/they love them/you back

It comes on all at once. 

Spencer- he’s never been particularly good at knowing when he’s feeling romantic. There wasn’t any experience with it. He knows that he’s hardly anyone’s dream guy- all awkward gangly limbs, too tall and too full of information that no one wanted to hear.

He’s carved out a little corner of the world that he can be seen in, that he can be loved in- but he’s never really been under the notion that someone could want him. Spencer knows that he’s lucky to have even this- to have people that ignite the prickly and irritating parts of himself and love him despite about this. And while he might fantasize, daydream about a life where he can lace his long fingers with those of someone who sees him only in a loving gaze of joy, Spencer knows that he’s not the kind of person that gets that. He’s being rational about it- most days, he’s able to relegate this desire to be filled with fantasy. 

Except- something has been up lately.

His best friend is probably the best person that he’s ever met in his life. She’s a consultant with the BAU, and it’s been nice to know her, in so many ways. She’s funny and kind in a way that never seems to have a victim. Spencer is not the kind of person that particularly values physical beauty, but she possesses it in such a large margin that it is difficult to ignore. He’s actually distracted by it sometimes, having to take extra mental attention to her words when all he is drawn to is the lovely curve of her Cupid’s bow, and the both light and heavy weight of her gaze in him. I like when you look at me, he thinks. She never makes him feel small. 

When they’d met, he was reluctant to her presence in most regards. Spencer knows that when he is focused, he can be a solitary creature, and that he’s an acquired taste. But she never seemed to need time to acclimate to him. From her first day, she listened to him when he spoke, and god, she squeezed his shoulder when she walked past him. 

She never had to try to like him. He was never a concession to her. 

This morning, she is late to work. He tries not to time it, but he enjoys the ritual of his mornings far more when he’s with her. He makes her tea and greets her first thing, and she asks about his evening the day prior. He tells her about whatever foreign film or Russian book he read the night before, a little too earnestly. She listens with her lovely doe eyes, sipping slowly as she transitions into her day. It doesn’t feel like patience with her- it feels like she actually cares what he has to say. Their routine is a warm radio crackle of familiarity, his favorite part of his day.

But she’s late today.

When she walks in, she’s a little frazzled and  so, so, adorable. She’s in a T-shirt that looks so familiar to him, and a pair of jeans that look lovely on her pretty legs. It’s a pleasure, looking at her. He wish he had more time to do it, wants to leisurely drink in the sight of her like he has all the time in the world, it never feels long enough to look.

Her hair’s frazzled and she’s just about 5 minutes late- Hotch hasn’t even come out of his office yet, but she’s clearly nervous.

“You’re okay,” he hears himself say, as she plunks down her bag on the desk, “I have your tea.” 

He doesn’t expect her to look up, but she does. She looks up at him and beams, and Spencer- his heart swells. She grabs the cup, dainty pretty fingers wrapped around the curve of it, and she beams her so-sweet smile at him, and god, his knees might buckle. Has it always been this way? 

He drinks in the sight of her, as she runs a hand through her hair in a worried, incredibly endearing gesture. She’s beautiful, he thinks to himself. He wonders aimlessly, that she might have been meeting with a man this morning. It might be the explanation for the dishevelment. 

The burning bit in his chest this causes is one that lacks explanation. It hurts in a way that he cannot explain- she is not a realistic dream for him to have. It’s not like he’s never thought about the idea of the two of them together. It’s a fleeting thought, like the consideration if your life if you could fly. It’s not a dream that warrants real consideration. 

But when their fingers brush, her light touch on his hand, he can’t help but wonder what it would be like if she wanted him.

“Thank you, Spence,” she says, warm voice dripping with gratitude and something in his heart warms at the nickname, “You’re my hero.”

She takes a sip of it, and closes her eyes in a contemplative, restful moment. It’s unfairly adorable.

He’s never actually thought about it, until this moment. But her beauty transcends just being pure fact, a thing to note about his reality. It would be nice, Spencer thinks. It hits him like a tidal wave, images of her gorgeous laugh washing over him on a Sunday morning, the curve of her cheek, a world where he can hold her by the dip of her waist, where her ever-present kindness meant that she might, could, maybe, love him.

Love him back.

She has whipped cream on her finger. She took the lid of the drink off to have the whipped cream. 

He is so, so fucked. 

“Have I told you that I love you today, boy-genius?” 

Even though she’s kidding, and he stammers out a reply of acknowledgment, it is in this moment he knows, with the certainty of every empirical journal he has ever read. 

Spence Reid is hopelessly in love with his best friend, and there is absolutely nothing he can do about that. 

It’s still nice to want, though. 

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

The way substance abuse has been handled on the show thus far genuinely upsets me and reeks of writers who either 1.) don't understand the subject matter they're presenting and haven't done even the bare minimum to research it or, worse, 2.) simply don't care.

Apologies for the slight rant incoming, your comment about how it has been mostly "handled" off-screen got me going because that's 100% true and in that truth is such a missed opportunity for the show. The way it has been handled winds up feeling incredibly shallow and juvenile at the end of the day, especially for a piece of media that is attempting to present itself as "adult" and navigate multiple incredibly sensitive topics. I'll try not to get into my own personal experiences and will speak broadly, but the show uses substance abuse more as a cheap character flaw to poke fun at or something to magically handwave away when it is inconvenient, rather than the life-altering, debilitating illness that it is.

Nothing about Angel's use is ever meaningfully explored. It's so (apparently) unimportant to his arc and development that one rude comment from Husk (a character who ALSO has a problem with gambling and alcohol that is never addressed) is all it takes for him to suddenly "resist temptation" and be shown as "recovered" (unless I'm misremembering). Or was he suddenly going to counseling off-screen too and its just another thing that will be told to us rather than shown? And how does Charlie even handle that at the Hotel (I'd be really interested in this as a moment for her character to have to grow/change too)? Does she even understand substance abuse and the many unaddressed systemic factors that can influence it? Or is the entire recovery process just shame based (because that works so well /s) combined with some more corny trust exercises? Why is this incredibly serious topic relegated to the background as if it's unimportant?

Recovery is hard. It is emotional and exhausting. Withdrawal (depending on what you're coming off of) can sometimes mean excruciating, unimaginable pain and in some cases people literally die. It is not a funny "ha-ha I take drugs because I'm chaotic and wild" quirk to be adored or glorified and it definitely should not be presented as something that can be wrapped up in a month or two off-screen without any development whatsoever. That's just insulting.

When you approach a topic like substance abuse and recovery, I personally feel you need to take in all sides of it. All the missteps that come with it (two steps forward one step back - mistakes are expected and okay), the self-loathing, the guilt and shame, the joy, the sense of freedom, the loss, and the best part of all: the incredibly difficult but liberating journey that is rebuilding your life and learning to love yourself and your body again, once you've chosen to be free and to live life.

Mad props to anyone who has ever battled this disease. You are strong, you are worth it and you are valued. Lol I am so sorry for going off here but I so appreciate you calling out the lack of exploration on this topic in the show. I guess I didn't even realize how annoyed and upset it was making me feel (praying this is coherent...).

This was absolutely coherent don’t worry!! Im really glad to see other people talking about this. I myself have not struggled with drug addiction but I have struggled with other kinds and as someone that studies a bunch of medical junk, I’d say I’m decently knowledgeable.

I’m mainly going to focus on Angel for this since he’s the main character I write for, but I assure you other characters addictions are also handled in my rewrite.

During the actual canon show, we don’t see Angel actually abusing substances that often; there’s a few times, most notably in episode 4, but from the rest of the show onward we hardly see anything. Yes in episode 6 they mentioned relapsing, which, mind you, was done horribly, but I digress. They touch on relapsing; Angel relapses, and then… what..??? What happened from that? I don’t feel upset or second hand guilt of any kind from this scene because we haven’t seen Angel’s attempts to stay sobre and off drugs.

His name is fucking Angel Dust. You don’t, I dunno, think that’d entail a higher dependency on drugs? Why do you think he named himself that?

About his name before anything else, the show has so much potential later on to talk about Angel picking out his drag name and why he chose that specifically. So much potential to explore how he views drugs and himself. He sees them as an escape and something “fun” to take his mind off of his actual life. When you die in a fucking coma and wake up in hell as a spider you’re going to want an escape. You will want to ignore reality. I am fully convinced Angel picked his name once he started performing because thats what he needed at the time. He needs to be like that to survive in hell. Angel is an incredibly mentally ill, troubled, traumatised, and unstable person, and being surrounded by so much intense negative influence only amplifies his current problems. I don’t mean to drag Vox in here but in my last redesign post I mentioned how very mildly bad people can become even worse people in hell because of the environment and this is no different for Angel. He’s been surrounded by crime and drugs his entire life and unable to live comfortably because of his sexuality. He has very likely been struggling with substances since he was a teen. Possibly even younger. He is not going to suddenly get over his addiction because of something like this. It could pave the way to him looking into dealing with it, but things like this can take years. I don’t remember when my addiction started; I’ve been clean for 2 1/2 years now I think, but the amount of relapsing and anguish I experienced while working towards that isn’t something that can be done in a few days or months. I still struggle with feeling like I deserve to say I’m recovering.

I’m hoping they tactfully handle this as they should, but my hopes are low. It’s okay to show a character relapsing. It’s okay to show a character feeling guilty. What matters is that the struggle is there to signify they’re trying. For a character with a song called “Addict” you really don’t see much of it. Drug and alcohol addiction is not a silly thing to just twiddle your fingers with and be like “well I guess thats over!” It’s incredibly insensitive to do so.

Whenever I write about Angel’s struggles with addictions, I focus on how small they can feel until you realise what’s actually happening. Just me talking about my rewrite again, but to get my ideas out here: Angel smokes often. He smokes at the studio when he’s stressed, he smokes at the hotel when he’s stressed, he smokes at in alleyways when he’s bored, there’s almost no location he won’t, but sometimes he tries to smoke less. His lungs aren’t the same as humans and technically he has 2 pairs of lungs, but smoking causes him to cough. This is painful in general and especially painful for Angel since he has barbs going down the back of his throat. Imagine choking on sandpaper, kind of like that. It’s painful, he doesn’t like the sound, Fat Nuggets REALLY doesn’t like the sound, and it’s an overall inconvenience, so he tries to stop smoking as much. Periods like this usually go fine for him until the stress returns or he starts to feel the withdrawal. Withdrawal from any sort of addiction is terrible, and in Angel’s case, just from not smoking it worsens his mental state further. He becomes irritable and stressed and that stress leads to wanting to smoke again to calm down. He may resist a few times and those times should be praised, but he gives in eventually. One cigarette to calm down becomes two, then three, and before he can process himself getting carried away, the entire pack is gone. It’s things like this that make addiction horrible. It’s something that deeply scared me when I was struggling. When I was struggling I was still in the mindset of “I can stop when I want to” and then being so suddenly hit in the face with the realisation that I’m not longer in control of this is terrifying. I could not stop when I wanted to. There were even points where I didn’t want to stop. Even just getting the smallest glimpse of this in an incredibly serious manner with Angel Dust would surprise me. To think the bar is this low on a show that seemingly prides itself on tackling such sensitive topics like you said is appalling. Your show shouldn’t have to be told how to write itself.

[girlweepinginstairwell]

hi yaz 🍊 (<-for u) right now im going through that awkward friendless period of my life and have been for a while. i've been following you for a long time and wondered if you had any words of wisdom for those of us in the thick of it. thank you ❣️

(p.s - from what we see online you've seemed really well lately, and its genuinely very encouraging. thanks 4 spreading the joy)

hi! so sorry for letting this ask sit there for a bit... i wanted to make sure i could answer it thoughtfully! 🌟 i ended up writing more than i expected so i apologize if this comes across as a bit wordy.

first of all, thank you so much! it really means a lot to me to hear this... i am literally just Random Girl Online so i’m truly honored & i think you’re incredibly sweet to say so 😭💝

secondly, i’m sorry you’re feeling this way! it’s a miserable place to be emotionally & difficult to talk about... but i promise promise promise you will not feel this way forever. i was so lonely it hurt for a very long time, i guess if you’ve followed me for a while you probably remember. like it was PAINFUL how unpeopled my life was, and i was really embarrassed by it too because no one else seemed to be going through it quite so badly. but honestly, i think... most people actively are or once were lonelier than they are willing to admit, so it’s not an experience that’s awkward at all, and not something indicative of there being anything wrong with you specifically (which is all too easy a conclusion to come to), and it is definitely, DEFINITELY is not going to be this bad always. there are so many lovely people in this world who are just on the cusp of entering your life without your even realizing it yet... at one point last year i took a second to look around me & it suddenly occurred to me that things had gotten so much better for me in a way i genuinely never imagined during the worst of my loneliness, that completely unexpectedly i had come to know a good number of people i liked and cared about.

mostly all i can encourage you to do is to be around people in whatever way u can even if you don’t currently have a circle of friends to turn to. if your school or a local museum or a similar institution is holding some kind of lecture, attend it even if u don’t know anyone else who’s going! you might strike up a conversation with a stranger u unexpectedly get along with and make plans to get to know each other better, or you might just get to lightly chat with a lot of people who u never see again. both of these things are nice in different ways. if your workplace is holding a little potluck for someone’s birthday, go even if it’s just for the sake of having cake and cooing over photos of your coworker’s new puppy. text friends who live in the area who u haven’t seen in years, spend the afternoon at the park together & see if you want to make room in each other’s lives for these new versions of yourselves you’ve grown into. sign up for art classes where u can struggle through something you’re unfamiliar with alongside others who are struggling through it the same way & bond over this for a few hours each week. be the first person to text in a groupchat of people u only sort of know. tag along to study with someone from your class at the library & see if it becomes a regular thing with other people from the same class. maybe you won’t befriend all the people you go out of your way to interact with, but chances are you can and will befriend a few of them! and even if it doesn’t end up working out, a little camaraderie goes a long way in pulling a person out of the pits of despair.

if literally none of the above is an option for u in any way whatsoever right now, just try your best to keep going anyway. which sounds stupid probably, i’m sorry; i would have been CRAZY irritated if anyone told me this when i was so lonely i could hardly think about anything else. but i read a lot of poetry, i played a lot of video games, i watched a lot of movies, i spent so much time out of doors watching the birds and trees, i talked to my relatives more than ever before, i messaged some mutuals so often they turned into genuine online friendships that meant the world to me then and mean the world to me still. it hurt that i didn’t have people to share any of this with the way i wanted to but i still experienced a lot of really nice moments when i was alone & in some ways i feel more equipped to deal with loneliness after living through so much of it because i know now that i’m capable of enjoying things even in the throes of isolation. resilience isn’t sustainable and i sincerely hope you don’t need to be resilient about this for much longer, but your life is not on hold, and if u just keep going i believe you will still experience lots of meaningful and good things until your social life starts to pick up, at which point u will experience lots of other meaningful and good things!

also i guess i already mentioned this and definitely feel free to ignore this bit if it doesn’t apply to you, but be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking this is somehow your fault or because there is something inherently off-putting about you! this is absolutely not the case… not having enough or even any friends is just something that happens sometimes. it’s a much more common experience than it feels like & there is nothing wrong with you! believing this and giving in to the shame will cause you undue pain and isolate you further when people reach out or enter your life if you feel you aren’t deserving of friendship because whatever shape your insecurities happen to take. so just... try and be kind to yourself. this is something i struggled with a lot & that’s why i bring it up, but again, you can totally disregard it if it doesn’t align with your own experiences.

i guess that’s all for now! i don’t think i’m saying anything new, so i don’t know how helpful any of this was. i mostly just hope it wasn’t pedantic! i was trying to think of things that genuinely worked for me or things i would like to tell me of a couple years ago if i could speak to her somehow, and i ended up writing a lot because this is a topic that means a lot to me. basically i just mean to say u will be okay! with time and effort and a little bit of luck you will be okay & you will find yourself surrounded by the nicest friends and acquaintances who genuinely really like you and who you genuinely really like in return. loneliness is just something that comes and goes... sometimes it is a little harder and more painful to get through than other times but it never lasts forever. i hope you take care of yourself & i hope it all starts to work out really well, really soon ❣️ love u

[candyredmusings]

Bioshock Splicer Starters (Part 2)

Assortment of dialogue taken from the a from two types of Splicers in the first Bioshock game; Dr. Grossman and Lady Smith

Other Bioshock Splicer starters: [Baby Jane & Breadwinner] TBA [Pigskin & Rosebud] [Toasty & Waders]

Dr. Grossman

"No handouts!"

"No, it ENDS WITH YOU!"

"Look at you! Filthy!"

"You keep away from my patients!"

"STOP. FOLLOWING ME!"

"You're crawling with disease!"

"You question my judgement?!"

"I'm the goddamn doctor!"

"Diseased! You're diseased!"

"You're crawling! You're sick!"

"You die here and now, parasite!"

"This is our place. Ours!"

"I'm a doctor."

"Answer the door!"

"Well, he won't get any better that way."

"Fine! I'll just let 'im bleed."

"I'm- I'm covered in his filth! DISGUSTING!"

"Nurse, clean this place up. Let's call it a day. I'm disgusted."

"I've got patients to see, no time for distractions!"

"Not now!"

"That's good genes for you!"

"Amazing… He's dead… And, yet, no girls."

"Well, well, well. This is quite incredible."

"Looks… familiar."

"Oh, god damn it! Someone get the nurse!"

"Well, this could be a little more hygienic."

"I- I try to help, but- sometimes I- I make mistakes… I try to help! But sometimes I- I make mistakes."

"Oh, I like it here. None of that regulation stuff. Always slows things down."

"A doctor has to touch so many filthy things. It's… disgusting!"

"Can't somebody clean this place up? Scrub it down! It's crawling, crawling!"

"I hate the babies, the most. They come out covered in death."

"I push when I should pull. A- a man's entitled to a few mistakes."

"The patients ask so many questions. Sometimes, I like to make up the answers."

"The men all complain about their virility. Well, I can make them soft and sometimes I do.

"Sometimes I forget which pills are which, I go by color."

"The nurses don't like me… they're judgmental."

"There's semen on everything! 'EVERYTHING!"

"It's unsanitary in here, filthy! Come, let me take care of you."

"Don't worry… I'm a professional."

"I won't hurt you. I just want to see what's inside."

"I swore an oath to do no harm, and I… mostly meant it."

"I don't want to hurt you, but sometimes I have to."

"Goddamnit, I needed them to be alive for just a while longer."

"Typical behavior for someone with your condition!"

"It's a standard procedure!"

"I am trying to think here!"

"Oh friend, you've tangled with the wrong people."

Lady Smith

"Go away, I'm tired."

"Darling, is that you?"

"Nothing… just some vandals, I suppose."

"Darling! Come and fix this, it's stuck!"

"My dear elite, no, distinguished friends. I've finally found the answer we've all been looking for!"

"Too introverted for anyone to notice."

"I suppose I could use this. I-I-I might need it, one day, I-"

"Oh, he'll love this. Just adore it!"

"Darling, we need more of these for the show."

"The finest? [Snort] The finest, hardly! Hardly at all."

"We've got to have standards, even in troubled times."

"They always arrive with out-stretched hands. They're a tuneful people, I'll grant you, but so lazy."

"Go on, then! Take your whore and go! But I'm keeping everything, EVERYTHING!"

"Bring a picnic lunch and we'll make a day of it. I just adore the summer time."

"You call that tenderloin? If you serve that in any respectable hotel in New York, they'd laugh you out of town."

"They talk talk talk, but in the end they've got nothing to offer society. Just more mouths to feed."

"She didn't fit in, anyway. I don't care where she's gone."

"Give- me- my- stuff!"

"Don't you disrespect me!"

"You're worthless! You're nothing!"

"How dare you touch me!"

"Watch where you're going, moron!"

"I'll teach you your place!"

"We have rules here!"

"You won't be making any more trouble!"

"Mind your blasted manners!"

"Give those back to me you horrid person!"

"I know what your type is looking for, and you won't get it!"

"You think you can just take what you want? This isn't the jungle!"

"There's proper folk, here. You don't fit in."

"Your kind isn't welcome here."

"I'll send the boy out to give you a good thrashing."

"You'll regret coming here… mark my words."

"It's always the same with you parasites, looking for a hand out."

"Darling, the medicine! I need it now!"

"I'm bleeding! BLEEDING!"

"See what you did to me?! See what you did!"

"I can taste you, and it's disgusting…"

[kasumikoujou]

im gonna talk a bit ab my sometimes negative feelings ab tieria or moreso ab why i dislike him for completely unrelated things sometimes because . i hope maybe i seem less insane that way </3 also under cut cause it may be a larger wall of text otherwise (edit after im done yes it is a very big wall of text)

its been 3 months and ive not stopped caring any lesser for innovades as a whole, and quite frankly i dont think ill ever see a day in the near future at least when i wont hold them in such high regard due to how dear they are to me

the no1 thing that bothers me about tieria is not really him but sometimes how i see SOME fans of his behave; though i dont really mean people from here because this place has the most normal of you ppl ive seen 😭 what bugs me most is that theres so many posts preaching tieria for things that are general innovade things. the gender? well guess what all combat types (which are most of all innovades we see besides anew) are neutral in everything. s2e8? are we gonna ignore the change in hiling from s1 reveal to s2 (and bring cutting his hair but this is less important to this and was mostly done bc they decided to change his design from the initial one by yun kouga </3 but ill take it as he wasnt feelin it n cut his hair). hell man even just the fact he's an innovade and the concept is cool? i get it, but guess what, hes not the only innovade in existence. it would not be as annoying if i would ever even see posts like these at all about the rest of them too ; and im not even asking people to like people from within innovators that would be harder to like (i.e ribbons regene hiling trio of what's wrong w you three (affectionate)), we have anew that id find it hard for anyone to dislike her. if you want to praise an innovade for the neutral aspect that anew doesnt otherwise have, there's also revive which despite his high involvement in innovators plans is not that bad (i.e not being strongly against humans and even nice to some he gets to be around like kati); we have laetitia from g00f10r, we have sky that appears in awot (though. dead </3) and you may want to learn more about him from other extra mangas and oneshots we have, and theres TONS of innovades all across the g00f/i/v/n etc. mangas (<- so many i cant even keep count anymore) and one more introduced in the s2 live stageplay, and not all of these are 'bad' or at least i dont think theyre hardly lovable or enjoyable. all i want is if innovade concept is being praised in tieria, lest there be some love for the rest of them too, please </3

on the side note i am also ABSOLUTELY baffled that there is an insane amount of still dedicated nena fans these days and yet no hiling fans. these two are the same breed of insane woman and only the extra quirky one gets love.. 😔 (nothing against nena fans btw shoutout to the trinities)

[evanescent-art]

...

im in agony.

To think that If I hadn't of been on my phone that one day, I wouldn't have ever met you and became close like we did. You... are everything to me. And I can't believe that you did this to yourself. To me. To US. We were going to travel the world together. We were going to go to Portland, Oregon like you wanted and get our own place. We were going to spend the rest of our days talking about writing. Talking about our characters. Our projects.

You had... so many of them. So much so that I couldn't hardly keep track of every idea that you had. But the one I remember the most was your Safe Place comic. You loved Adventure Time more than near anything. Called it comfort. Called it "safe". So you came up with this whole idea yo create an entirely original Adventure Time comic and stalk Pendleton Ward every single day on Twitch as "Rykero". He called you his number one, remember? He told you to show him your comic when you were done. You had so much to do. So much to complete and I can't believe you ever thought there wasn't enough time in your life to figure it out. I would have been with you, every step of the way. Holding your hand if I had to through everything.

We took showers together, we shared everything even our very darkest parts of our minds for hours on end. How many all nighters have we pulled? Do you remember when we were trapped in a power outage and we had to huddle in the livingroom to keep warmth?

But we laughed anyways and kept writing.

Nobody will ever understand. I don't expect anyone to when I say this. Deja Mccray, Khalesie Ikigai, Rykero.... whatever you liked to be called the most but you'll always be just "Kae" to me:

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐨 𝐓𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐢 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐲 𝐈𝐳𝐮𝐤𝐮 𝐌𝐢𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐲𝐚.

But you ALWAYS said that you were a "Katsuki Bakugo ass bitch", didn't you?

I wish I could tell Clifford Chapman about you. Your Katsuki Bakugo. I think that the way you wrote his character was a way that even he would have been proud of you for. You knew every inch of that character, and I just wish that we could have continued watching My Hero Academia together. Kept WRITING together... we didn't finish anything, you see? Why would you leave us unfinished? We... were rooting for Tododeku, remember? We were supposed to watch them finally become a couple in the end of the anime. You bet your right leg on it, remember? You just had to wait a little longer... just a little longer and we could have seen Shoto and Izuku together just like our story.

I don't even know where to start, Kae. I don't. I would have followed you to the ends of the earth and I will never forgive myself for as long as it takes me... I'm so sorry. For everything. I couldn't be more sorry for what happened. There was nothing in this world that would have kept me from you. If only you'd have just asked for help, we would have figured it out together. Like we always do.

You have been everything in my life and I can't ever remember a time that you weren't here. I will never experience a love so true and genuine again. I searched for it, never knowing that it was right beside me the whole time. Too late for me, sadly.

But I was in love with you, Kae. With your mind, your love, your words, and your drive. It was everything about you that had me like it did. Hell, that STILL has me like it does. Never thought I'd meet someone that made my heart skip a beat like you did. What I wouldnt do to have you caress my face again and say "Good morning!" In your baby voice.

All I want is to save another roach for you. I just want someone to hug, but nobody will ever care like you did. Nobody will ever love me like you did and I'm sorry I failed so badly. Im so, so sorry that I'm a failure. I don't even know if I can do this life thing without you. I don't know how to go on. I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you, if thats what it took to help you sort out your feelings.

I was always ready with you. Anytime, anywhere. There's nothing more that I want than to follow you, everywhere you go...

I love you, Kae.

Fuck, I don't know what to say. You promised me you'd sign my future baby's birth certificate. You were gonna hold my hand in the delivery room. That was gonna be YOUR baby. OURS. I was working on it because I wanted a baby so badly and you encouraged my desires. Always. This... wasn't supposed to happen.

You wanted to be famous for your ideas.... you... should be famous for your ideas. I have all your notes, your drawings, everything that you wrote down and analyzed. Each and every project of yours... I just have to find out what to do with it and where to start.

I'm so sorry for everything. I've never experienced unberable agony like this until now.

We'll... see eachother again.

Everyone please look at her art. Please, she had such potential. Please. She deserves it.

[freshlybakedspiderbread]

Im here because ive had Reimu thoughts and been wanting to make a post about since a few days ago. By some psychic chance, that ship tierlist happened and gave me further excuse to brain on it.

(Speaking of, on twitter i had fun doing that ship tierlist purely for reimu ships and tweeted that. And then i did it for every pairing on the list but im hesitant to reveal what ships im eh on so if anyone cares to know they can just ask me personally...!)

Anyway, heres me writing out a lot (But Not All) possible reimu character dynamics, be it romantic, platonic, or something else, going roughly by game order or by 'factions' because this is just the kind of thing i think about on the regular

So first among sdm, i like reimu/sakuya, thats a ship ! There's a Lot of reimu pairings where its the grumpy/begruding reimu with another who is unflappable and shady (yukari The biggest example but i'll get to her) so sakuya is just one of many that fill that role. So while its a 'common' dynamic among reimu pairs, what makes this unique is what it offers for sakuya. She's an odd person, the most youkai-like among a group of youkai despite being the only human, and even now can throw them off guard with her quirks. And i think while the likes of patchouli and remilia have long since come to find that charming about sakuya, and the likes of marisa and youmu would be put off even if they otherwise like her, reimu would be the only one who like, doesnt care or think sakuya 'strange' at all. The shrine maiden treats humans and youkai equally after all, and she's hardly a 'normal' human herself, so she doesnt see anything sakuya does or the way she acts as 'strange' for humans. Just a pair of normal women n_n

Speaking of remilia, i dont ship but i do think she and reimu have a funny longstanding relationship as frenemies. Remilia was one of, if not The very first to start regularly visiting the shrine after causing a headache-inducing incident after all. And reimu best represents the wonderful parts that gensokyo has to offer remilia and her whole crew (Marisa too but the witch regularly visits the mansion anyway)

Also while its on my mind, i know there are a few out there who like reimu being a sort of surrogate sister to flandre. The only reason i dont really think much of that myself is because i already completely assign that role to marisa (and uh, i guess okina now too?!)

I'm kinda only mentioning Youmu now because i will be mentioning every other playable character and itd feel weird to exclude her, but its a pretty straightforward friendship in my mind. Both youmu and reimu are (usually, at least on surface) dutiful and semi-serious about thier jobs, and get along decently. I think youmu's always looking to improve herself and sees reimu in particular as a standard to surpass, despite being very aware of all the shine maiden's many faults. 🤔

Also i think it'd just be fun if reimu gets along fine with yuyuko and doesnt ever get irritated with her antics the same way she would with yukari.

Wait back up, i totally forgot to mention Marisa at the start of all this. Uuuuummm!!! Maybe controversial but reimari isnt a romantic ship that excites me much, if at all? 😅 i mean its fine! They've known each other forever! They see each other almost every other day! They're the best of friends who consult one another for almost anything! They're rivals and compete every incident! But its like... they're so close and solid and understanding that i feel it really limits the kind of interactions or stories you can do with them. No hate but 99% of reimari fanwork is like super basic stuff where they enjoy each others cozy company. Not saying its impossible to introduce spice or conflict into it, but it can be hard to not make it ooc, at least in my perspective. 😅😅 so i acknowledge it as a ship but im not looking to get on board or anything.

Fellow magician Alice is a fun pairing too for Reimu. Now mariali takes 'priority' to me, but i do also like reiali. Theres a lot of similar beats, like theyve known each other forever (even though Reimu forgot because shes bad with names and faces of those who dont regularly visit 😅), and alice also sees reimu (alongside her fellow magicians) as someone to challenge. the difference i think is that reimu's apathy towards any sort of 'rivalry' genuinely irritates Alice who already has insecurities about her abilities as a youkai magician. So kinda similar to reimari and even mariali, except alice is a little more... neurotic when it comes to reimu, maybe? Might need to cook this one in the brain a bit more but i do like it! (And then reimariali has plenty of potential just as ship in of itself but also for messy complicated and unrequited different feelings across all three of them... 🤔)so...

okay really quick regarding the yakumo crew as a whole. Reimu thinks Chen is cute enough, like a niece. And Ran... There's a lot i could imagine under the layers where Ran is on the surface a lot more straight-to-business about the barrier duties compared to Yukari, and Reimu can appreciate that straightforward approach and respects it. I dont think i have it in me right this moment to come up with more on the spot, but there's Something there if i ever dig deeper.... ⛏️❓️

and oh my god finally yukari. 👁 Classic ship for me... Now let me just get one thing out of the way, one common idea among fans is that yukari played an active part in reimu's upbrining and training as a shrine maiden, basically playing a mentor/guardian role since she was young. I'm not against this idea in a vacuum, but for reasons which I hope are obvious, i dont subscribe to that headcanon. Now instead of trying to summarise yukarei, how about i just spin a tale...

You're the great youkai sage, Yakumo Yukari, trying to maintain gensokyo for the sake of all youkai. You've got lots of youkai allies ( some of whom you are in love with and some of whom you are divorced with but lets not get into that right now...). You also 'work' with humans on occasion but being a youkai means you gotta make sure to be exceptionally mysterious around em and keep em guessing 😎

Other than the child of miare, the most important human is the hakurei shrine maiden, who maintains the barrier among other duties. You're always aware of generally how the shrine maiden is doing through hearing about it from others, but otherwise theres no reason to actually get involved or meet them personally. Would be weird if youkai were seen interacting with the shrine maiden after all!

One day you hear about the latest shrine maiden, named reimu, helping to put together some kind of 'spell card' system? You go along with the idea, signing it off with the other sages, though it sounds like a fanciful idea and you have doubts if it'll truly change anything in the longrun. The nature of humans and youkai is pretty set in stone after all, so you have to wonder about the shrine maiden's mindset behind such a thing? And later, apparently she solved an incident with these rules too? Maybe you'll wait like another decade or so before you'll find out more about this reimu yourself.

You dont need to wait though because soon after yuyuko's big incident calms down and you think theres nothing more to worry about. That shrine maiden (and two other humans) have crashed into your home, harassed your shikigami, and picking a fight with you just as you woke up from a nap. And then after a chaotic fight, she yells at you to do your job.

So all around, a really striking first impression is left on yukari, who comes to realise, maybe not right away all at once, but gradually, that reimu is not only special, but she can be trusted for any kind of trouble that befalls gensokyo.

Tangent but i wish i could have been there with others during uLiL's release when reimu's urban legend is the gap woman and i could have been like 👀. And that was nothing compared to later acof where the classic barrier team end up being the ones to resolve the incident. The strongest pair?!?! Reimu actually said that!!?!

Anyway this post is too long i'll have to get into Reimu and Literally The Entire Rest Of Gensokyo in other posts later... if i feel like it 🫠

[edrecovery-space]

i hate how if you’re overweight, people think you don’t or can’t have an eating disorder…

I struggled with anorexia that completely fucked up my metabolism and lead to my body being in starvation mode, so I gained a lot of weight.

and now I alternate between starving myself and overeating, occasionally going on diets and taking those to the extreme. And I’m on meds that make me gain weight. But because I weigh kind of a lot (almost 200 lbs…) and because i force myself to eat most of the time at dinner when I eat with my family, most people don’t even recognize that I struggle with EDs… and even when they do, instead of offering some sort of help, I just get in trouble and get yelled at or told I eat too much even when I haven’t eaten or haven’t eaten hardly anything in 48+ hours…

it isn’t fair. I struggle so much and I try so hard to get better. It doesn’t help that my younger sister is anorexic and she’s really thin and everyone knows she struggles. They either yell at her, ignore it, get annoyed, or force her to eat.

it’s just not fair. It’s not fair how our family responds to it and it doesn’t feel fair that my sister gets to be thin when I’m not… and I feel guilty as hell for saying and thinking that…

It just… it’s so hard. And now I have a health issue as a result of said eating disorders. It’s from starving myself. But my mom blamed it on me eating unhealthy foods and overeating when I’m not…

i struggle to not just throw up after every meal. I constantly hear people talking about their weight and how far they are when they’re way skinnier than me… it’s so fucking hard. And I have no one to turn to. My partner struggles with eating disorders, so if I mention something about mine, she relapses. I mention it to my parents, they don’t care or I get in trouble or told to just fix it myself and that I’m “choosing” to not eat or to overeat. I don’t have many friends, so I don’t really have anyone to turn to. And I can’t talk about it to my sister either

sorry that this is so long… I’ll stop

im so sorry anon neither you nor your sister deserve that treatment

i live in a household that treats my ed the same way so i can understand how unfair this is.

this account is a safe space for you and we'll help however we can even if its just a place for you to come vent /gen

there should be more awareness that anyone of all body types can have an ed and anorexia is not the only ed out there

i really hope things get better for you you deserve to be healthy and happy just like everyone else /gen

[fxsh-bone]

very first post and its long as shit. here you go.

there's something really weird about not having friends. now ion mean this in a "oh im so lonely pity me" way i mean this in a "it feels like i actively choose this life and i want to share my observations" way. because, when you're with friends, you hardly observe anyone else. youre focused on those you love, those you want to talk to, yknow? you spend time with these people, building relationships, getting to know these select few very well. the world around you is infected by the people you love and that's not a bad thing. what a wonderful thing it is to have a world that reminds you of the ones you hold dear. yet, when you don't have friends. when there isnt someone to converse with at every lunch break, when you aren't widely known because your friends spread your presence amongst their friends, the world is. strange.

you learn to observe. you learn that a red haired girl spends every 2nd period at the library, tuesdays and thursdays, because you do too. you learn that a group of guys skip 1st period to have breakfast together every monday, and that they've noticed you skip 1st occasionally too. you learn that the guy who sits across from you in AP chem wanted to invite you into his band because he's been observing you, too. the cashiers at your usual gas station crack jokes with eachother because you refuse a bag and receipt every time they offer, because you work right next door and there's no point in it, and they know that. they wont ask "is that all for you?" anymore because they know you get the same thing all the time and the only time it changes, is if you're there with a coworker or sibling. the night shift cashier will compliment your hair every time you walk in because he knows you love to change it as often as you can, he knows you get bored easily. you learn all the cashiers names, though they only know you as "that guy" or "that one regular". you learn people find you intimidating, though you know that's the furthest from the truth. you watch people switch to the other side of the street to avoid passing you. you'll observe everyone and everything. you'll get to know everyone but nobody will get to know you.

but then nobody knows you. nobody invites you to breakfast. nobody waves to you across the yard. you have no-one. where other people turn excitedly to a best friend to tell them something unbelievable, you turn to empty space. there is nothing. there is nobody. you frequently find yourself alone. of course, you're okay with that. you're content in your own company and you know your worth doesnt amount to how many friends you have. but, its conflicting. you don't care about sitting alone at a table for two, you dont care about walking by yourself, you dont care that you have nobody to update about the minor things that excite you. but, you care about missing out. junior homecoming is soon and your boyfriend doesn't go to your school, he graduated already, and works the night of hoco. you don't have other friends to go with. you want to go, but you don't have an outfit, and you dont want to be asked if you're okay the whole night because thats when people realize youre alone. you'll be missing out. again. and you hear so much about how adults regretted not going to events and you fear you'll regret it, too.

it's like. you're okay with being alone, infact you prefer it in most cases. but you resent the feeling of loneliness that washes over you when you realize you don't have the connections that others do.

even at work! you used to be so close with so many of your coworkers. you've worked there so long you've seen people come and go, you've seen managers change, you've greeted and trained countless people. you got really close with one of the drivers. but the girl who did your interview, your shift manager, the girl who took you under her wing and called you her son, just quit for a better paying job. you bought her cupcakes and a cookie cake and wished her luck, hiding how badly you'll miss her. your boyfriend's last day working there was yesterday and he's at work at his better job. youre happy for him and you called him on his way to his first day, telling him it'll be okay and easing his nerves. you'll miss joking around with him. you'll miss seeing him almost every day. that driver you were close with dropped your friendship for a better one with the new shift manager. you're happy for him. they hang out all the time. now you're alone again. the new people either dont like you or know you don't like them. there's no opportunity for new connections. you feel like you just started working there. you didnt speak unless spoken to, you didnt make eye contact, you never asked for anything. those people you loved, the ones who are moving on to better things, got you out of your shell. now they're all gone. you don't have a reason to speak anymore.

the new shift wont know your name. the new CSRs will only know you by the callouts you give for orders. those working in the back hardly interact with you as is, now there's really no point in talking to you, you won't speak. you might have to train another person to work alongside you, to fill the role your boyfriend once had.

being alone is weird. its conflicting. its warm and familiar yet cold and isolating. you're okay with it while hating it at the same time.

idk guys tdlr; being alone is weird and i have alot of conflicting emotions.

[opionated60]

Has anyone watched the documentary “Painkiller” on Netflix. The anger in me after watching it & the ongoing talk about the drug has bought me to tell the world how it saved my life & how many people with chronic pain has saved theirs. The documentary is based on the oxycodone, or called OxyContin, endone. a pain killer for chronic pain. It’s all the negativity about it & no positivity about has it has saved so many & not those who abused it or took it for good times. I’m one of them who use it & im not a drug addict but take it for chronic pain & after trying so many other drugs it’s the only one that worked. If it hadn’t saved me I think I would have committed suicide from chronic stenosis of the spine which can’t be operated. I also have rheumatoid arithritis & fibromaglia but back pain is the worst. From a strong woman my life changed in so many ways that after the pain started I could no longer work. I didnt want to go out & I could hardly do anything. This was constant every day. Thanks to my dr after I had tried so many painkillers, seen pain specialists, went to pain clinics you name it I tried she prescribed endone & I couldn’t believe how much pain went away. The problem was that because endone last only 4hrs she prescribed oxycodone which is the same thing but slow release & lasted 12hrs. It’s been 8yrs I have been on oxycodone 30mgs daily I have never abused the quantity & never had any side affects. It is a pbs script in Australia & many dr’s are afraid to prescribe it cause of what happened in the USA where they were prescribed by dr’s in huge quantities & used liked candy mostly by addicts not people suffering & were the victims. I thought dr’s would be compassionate enough to take people away from their misery but they only care abt their licences & therefore won’t prescribe them. It’s a taboo issue & such stigma on the person suffering. My dad was suffering from pancreatic cancer & was put on endone at first until the end where he had constant morphine. So what’s happened in the USA to those people who suffered this chronic pain & could no longer get it many turned to street drugs like fentanyl 100 times stronger, heroin or any drug that will numb their pain & this is what kills most. It’s time that the FDA all people associated with drug regulation have some empathy & see these opiads helpful to victims suffering but then again only those who have had chronic pain understand. Why compare Australia stats to USA statistics. I have been given worse drugs that the side effects have been awful. I cannot tell you the number of people who are on endone for chronic pain & they have their life back again, but nothing is written about this. The documentary is based on people who took too much, young people who over used it & none of people who can live a good quality of life not a quantity of it. If the drug was killing people why was it given to my dad over the period of his pancreatic cancer & at least he was comfortable & not drugged out like a zombie. Valium makes you more drowsy & spaced out. The word oxycodone to some doctors & people it’s like the word devil, monster a perception of something so evil & those who take it a considered addicts not victims of chronic pain. When I ended up in hospital with chronic back pain my specialist ordered palexia in replacement of oxy which he said was similar. I cannot tell you how sick this drug made me. If it’s similar the fact is that their afraid to use the name or prescribe it. It’s time we review the facts start thinking about the people suffering & making it available to those who need it. Another issue is I was prescribed prednisone at the beginning of my rheumatoid journey. It made me so sick, I blew up like a balloon & my crp levels never went down it never worked. Yet this is prescribed to millions of people. Before my dad died at least he could live for awhile with hardly any pain taking endone if this was so dangerous why give it to him. Yet he was pumped up with so much chemo & god know what other drugs.

[lawluenvy]

you know what im no longer gonna pretend im one of those "learn to accept your natural self and beauty" people cuz im not cuz if i had the excess money that would allow it i would get cosmetic surgery in a heartbeat - mostly just a bunch of kinds of lipo but that's still a cosmetic surgery.

i don't need a nose job or to reshape my face or other plastic surgeries but i DO need to get rid of these flabby arms so that i might actually have shoulders again and i can wear shirts with normal sleeves and my thighs so i dont have to suffer through unbearable chafing rashes every time i wanna wear shorts and my tummy so i can just wear my favourite high waisted pants again without looking pregnant when im not and NEVER will be and just !!!

i wanna look like a teenage girl again!!! i hate looking so womanly i hate it so so so so much it's not a gender dysphoria it's some other body dysphoria it's an "i feel safer when i am small and petite and i can fit in small spaces and weave through crowds almost unseen and i have only mildly feminine curves but nothing overly sexual(ized)" and just GAHHHH.

i hate bodies.

i hate having a body so much.

im telling you the SECOND they find out how to upload our conscience to an android body i am OUT OF THIS FLESH SUIT!

i can modify it to look however i want! i'll be 5'2" and my legs will finally be longer than my torso and i'll have sharp shoulders so straps of all kinds don't constantly fall off i'm gonna have built in pockets on my thighs and my hips and fuck it -- I wanna pretty little built in designs on my "skin" that aren't just tattoos and just afdjdkakshfks

most of all i just really miss my favourite clothes. i miss my adolescent agender streetwear. i miss how baggy clothes would swallow me up so you can hardly tell i have a shape at all - now that just cant be done. i cant hide my shape like i used to when i want to - that option has been taken away from me.

im not "fat" and i know that and anyone who is would hate me for talking about this but i am solidly mid-sized now and have been for a couple of years and i just refuse to accept it. i cant. i cant i cant i cant.

i know a lot of it is still ingrained fatphobia cuz lord knows if your waist is not 0-4 then you're too fat for modern society!!!! but gods i just dont even care i just CANT bring myself to care when it's not just that im uncomfortable with how others might perceive me and how the media wants me to perceive myself (beyond my issues with being seen as a mature woman which i just REALLY CANNOT think about or address cuz it will be awful always) --

it's more than that cuz im just genuinely uncomfortable!!! it's not like i grew up this way and have had years to get used it and haven't known any other way-- i had to replace my whole wardrobe! my beautiful collection of fashion that i spent $100s on from high school to third year university! the clothes i thrifted from shimokitazawa in japan! the fucking inability to wear shorts in the summer and getting the worst fucking swamp ass in the slightest degrees of hot weather and being unable to bend and twist my body without a roll of fat getting squished and pinched and genuinely hurting and causing me pain and i just cant.

i cant get used to this.

i dont know how to change this.

i dont know how to get rid of it.

im on so many meds now and they have forced me to sacrifice my body for my brain and it's only barely worth it cuz at least i only wanna kill myself 10% of the year now but as of 2023 the adverse effects it has had on me physically is coming right back around to bite me in my giant ass and so far i have spent all of it just wanting to die and to disappear because i am so unhappy with myself and i cant express myself anymore beyond dying my hair.

hair dye is the only thing i have left.

it's stupid but it matters so much to me. as someone who was so heavily policed on my appearance growing up in the environment that i did - ever since leaving the church, learning to express myself through fashion has been so important to me and now the very mental illnesses the church exacerbated in me is taking that away nearly a decade after i escaped

it always comes back. the damage that upbringing did to me will never be undone.

the worst part is knowing it's too late. going off my meds now wouldn't fix it. my body has been permanently altered. there's no magic pill that will fix this problem for me and because of my emotional magic pills - no reasonable exercise routine or diet change will fix this either

i worked a hard labour job for a whole year and i didnt eat much and i barely noticed a difference.

it's just gone.

the body i finally learned to love after being taught to hate it all my life is gone.

i am once again stuck with and trapped in something i hate.

and i don't WANT to love it. i don't WANT to accept it because i shouldn't have to!!!

i just wanna be small.

dear gods it's more than just about being skinny again - i want to be small

it's not enough that my fiancé tells me he likes that im chubby- he could say it a million times over and over again assuring me that no matter what i'm still beautiful to him at least but it will never be enough cuz i don't care if other people still think im pretty or beautiful or sexy *vomit* (thank the gods he knows not to use that word with me) ---

no one else's opinions matter!!!

i hate it! i hate it i hate it i hate it and i hate it even more knowing that on some level my new curves are actually more attractive to people and if i only found the right style of clothing then objectively yes i would look good but

I DONT CARE!

i dont like it!

i like my old clothes.

i dont want to learn how to dress this body because i dont like it!

it doesn't matter what anyone says because i feel ugly even though i know im not.

but i look in the mirror and i look at my closet and i see the couple of clothes im hanging onto deluding myself into thinking one day i might be able to wear them again without them looking trashy cuz they dont suit my new shape ----- and i just want to claw all of it off!!! everything!!!

i want rip through this skin, crawl out of my flesh and emerge something else entirely even if it's terrifying to anyone else i! don't! care!

because at least i would like it.

maybe i would look like a witchy tiny twig that might crawl out of your TV screen all cracking bones and pale skin --- but at least I would be happy because it would be me.

the me that i used to love.

[sapphic-bifrost]

“we need to talk / i need to tell you something” *doesn’t say anything* 🚩

[whump-a-la-mode]

Hi! Can I ask for a continuation to the supervillain finds drugged and terrified villain on doorstep? Maybe (idk where you’d wanna take it but ig this is just a suggestion) sorta fluff but the villain is terrified of supervillain? Idk where im getting at lmao just write what you wanna write and have fun with it :)

Of course! Thank you both for the asks. I loved that prompt and found it really cute. This one has about the same balance of fluff and angst as the first part, so I really hope you enjoy!

Continued from here.

CW//Medical mentions, past trauma, past drowning, past torture, injuries, food

The medics had left far too quickly.

At least, that was Supervillain's impression of the situation. Only perhaps half an hour after they had been called, their medical team had arrived in full force. Upon the injured villain they had swarmed like flies, with stethoscopes and thermometers and tools that their boss had no clue at all how to identify.

And then, they were gone. The leader of the team made a full report on Villain's injuries, and the care that they would require. Strangulation wounds, malnutrition, half-healed frostbite, and, of course, the beginnings of hypothermia had all stricken the heroes' victim.

But, so the leader had stated, none of these afflictions would require hospitalization. In fact, hospitalization would have likely produced a more negative outcome. With weakened lungs, on account of repeated and merciless strangulation attempts, even the most common of hospital-borne respiratory illnesses could send them to the grave. After all, the whole purpose of a hospital was for it to be full of sick people.

That was all that they had said, before piling up into their emergency response vehicle and leaving the premises.

Leaving Supervillain alone with nothing but a page of written instructions, and a half-dead Villain upon their couch.

Would it have been simple to pass the job onto a henchman? Or even better, a villain with genuine medical knowledge? Perhaps. But every last villain had scrambled off into hiding, and as smart as their henchmen were, this was not their responsibility.

It was the responsibility of a leader to take care of their sick.

And that was exactly how Supervillain had ended up in their kitchen, gingerly spreading butter of two pieces of steaming toast. Though the scent of freshly-toasted bread was nearly irresistible, the food was not for them. The whole situation had left them far too nauseous to even consider food.

But Villain was starving.

Placing down the knife into their sink with a clatter, Supervillain took the plate in one hand, and a topped-off glass of water in the other. They had taken the liberty of warming it-- though a cool glass of water may have been a mercy to some, to the pyrokinetic, it would have, in the best case scenario, caused discomfort. In the worst... Well, they didn't know.

After all, they weren't a doctor.

But, doctor or not, public enemy number one still moved gingerly across their kitchen floor, through the hallways, and all the way to the room where their new, accidental, ward had been settled. So it seemed, the medical examination they had been through had drained whatever energy that Villain had had remaining, seeing as afterwards they had immediately passed out upon the couch. Given that Supervillain was far from the kind of host to allow their guest to sleep on the couch, they had-- gently, of course-- carried them to one of the home's many spare room, and settled them upon a bed.

When Supervillain had left the room, Villain had been neatly tucked beneath the covers, snoring peacefully, if not a little shallowly.

Now, when they entered, toast and water in hand, the bed was empty. Instead, the sheets lay bare, blanket torn away.

They soon discovered why. As slight as the movement was, it was not difficult to tell that the blanket laid in a corner was breathing. The slightest flutter of sympathy danced within their chest-- why was their ward hiding?

"Villain?" They did their very best to make their voice quiet, hospitable, even though they were neither of those things. "I brought food. Are you hungry?"

There was no reply.

Supervillain realized in that moment that, throughout Villain's entire, brief, stay in the home, they had yet to speak a single word. Come to think of it, actually, they had hardly even been awake earlier. Though the medics hadn't believed a blood test to be necessary, the effects of heavy sedation were rather obvious.

This was the first time that Villain was awake, and they had awoken alone. Dammit.

With a soft clack, they set the plate and the glass upon a bedside table, moving towards the shuddering blanket in the corner. The combination of wool socks and carpeted floor made their footsteps almost silent, leaving the room quiet as they knelt down before the blanket. Up close, it was rather simple to see the form of the villain that had hidden themself beneath it.

As much as they would have liked to leave Villain alone and to their own devices, according to the doctor's words, 'they won't be able to survive on their own for a while.' They would need a caretaker, and, through chance alone, Supervillain had wound up in that role.

They grabbed the bottom of the blanket first, about where Villain's feet would be, and gently began to drag it off of their form. As soon as their head was uncovered, they stopped, leaving the fleece to protect the rest of their body.

Anyone could tell that Villain had been crying, sobbing, even. Half of their face was covered in dried tears, cheeks red and eye whites a similar color. As soon as their face was revealed, they struggled to cover it with their hands, revealing the shivering in their limbs.

"Hey, hey." Supervillain reached a hand slowly forth, but stopped short of actually laying it upon Villain, believing that that likely wouldn't aid in their terrified state. "You're okay. I know you're scared, I know. But you escaped. You... You can tell me how you did that later. But you're safe, now. You're in my house.

It's me. It's Supervillain."

That only served to send another wave of terrified shivering through their body, as though they had been struck by a cane.

"If you don't want to talk, I won't make you, okay? But you're hurt. Will you at least drink some water?"

It was as though an emotional grenade had gone off.

In an instant, Villain curled in on themself, burying their face in their knees and curling almost to a fetal position.

"No no no no please no- Please, no. Please let me breathe please I'll behave please not the water please please please no no no."

Supervillain stopped, and noted with a start something they had not made much notice of beforehand: When Villain first arrived, their upper body had been soaking wet.

Someone had tried to drown them.

"Villain." They struggled not to allow their to crack, but fury and sorrow combined were making that a nearly impossible task. "No one is going to hurt you. No one is going to hurt you ever again, okay?"

From the tear-stained blanket, Villain lifted their head, shaking, pinprick pupils staring up at them.

"T-Then." They sniffled. "Then why are you here?"

[squeak-the-cat18]

Since im bored and have nothing else to do : more song quotes!!

(Tw because most of these are sad/depressing)

(Also none belong to me credit goes to the respective artist)

I'm drowning in your memory but it is all that I have left

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't want to know.

Do you care about all the little things, or anything at all?

I wanna sunburn just to know I'm that I'm alive

If I can't see the sun maybe I should go.

Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon.

Did you know that every day is the first of the rest of your life

This is to one last day in the shadows and to know a brothers love

Tell me all your thoughts about the stars that fill polluted skys

How did you love?

It was almost love, when I heard that sound and the walls came down I was thinking about you.

Its not what you believe, those prayers will make you bleed

Time will take us all and turn us into stone

Her hands tell the story of hardships that we'll never know

How did you love?

How we forget ourselves from the cradle to the grave

We are the judge and jury

I drove for miles just to find you and myself

Its not your fault im a bitch, I'm a monster

Sure as the sunrise shes seen things you'll never see

I can't let her go.

Please don't go most nights i hardly sleep when I'm alone

I think of you whenever I'm alone

Would anyone care? would anyone cry if I finally stepped of the ledge tonight?

Would anything change? Would you all be just fine? cause I need a reason to not throw the fight

It just might save my life.

Home, a place where i can go and take this off my shoulders.

I wont to lie so hard to hide I've never felt worthy of love, I would give up everything I had just to feel good enough.

Someone take me home.

Tell me why the world never fights fair

Shes still here fighting, better know there's life in her yet

Tell me how all my dreams turned to nightmares, how did I loose it  when I was right there

Just to get to a place where even though there's no closer,  I'm still safe

I found no cure for the loneliness, I found no cure for the sickness.

I'm 11 minutes away so why arent you here?

Would anyone notice if tonight I disappeared? Would anyone chase me, and say the words i need to hear that im no burden, not so worthless

I would sell my soul for a bit more time

You swear to god but I'm a nonbeliever

So tell me when it kicks in

This is how it ends, I can feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream

Would anyone want me if they knew what was inside my head?

No no don't leave me lonely now, if you love me how'd you never learn

All the voices in my mind calling out across the line

Your losing faith while I've been holding on.

It leaves us with regrets and picks apart the threads of over fragile bones.

Tell me pretty lies, look me in the face tell me that you love me even if its fake

We were blessed by the breath deep inside of us

Give me the strength to look the devil in the face and make it home safe

Playing dead I'll never do, gotta keep an eye on you

Promises broken again

Would anyone see me for the person I really am?

Take a hit shoot me down I will never hit the ground

Put an X on my chest, but I'm still standing cause I wont forget all the hell you put me through, I'll save myself in spite of you

This time I wont let go

When you go down all your darkest roads, I would have followed all the way to the graveyard

I keep digging myself down deeper, I wont stop til I get where you are

Trying to find the root of all that's come between us

White flag, never going up no no

Don't you know I'm aint afraid to shed a little blood

Id rather die than give up the fight

You look at me with eyes so dark I don't know how you even see

I'm good, I'm good, I'm great.

Ain't that my blue in her eyes?

Where everyone you know never leaves too soon

Too many years of battle scares and now we're broken

But while your on your knees how did you love?

Don't take her from me

Don't wanna see her grow to be just like you

But it only feeds my energy

I'm chasing dragons, this dragon's got my hand

Sweet love, my oldest friend, have we come to the bitter end

This time don't you save me, baby I can feel myself giving up

But I dont see so easily what you hold in your hands.

Pray for my soul

Those eyes tell nothing of a soul that is spent, a soul that's longing for death

[dr3amofagame]

Dream tried to stop Wil from creating L'Manburg, Phil tried to stop him from blowing it up, BOTH value people over items and builds, Phil has said that they're replaceable but people aren't, Dream traded spirit for his best friends fishes (we kno he's not someone to talk abt feelings:[) BOTH were kind and selfless but used by almost if not everyone, BOTH were ready to be THE VILLAINS if it meant everyone else could live better after. ONE of them always had someone there, ONE didn't. Intentional?

aaaa sorry for the really inconsistent posts ,, im gonna try to post a little more in the next few days. i have a few things written up, so look out for them? maybe? for now, have this *gestures vaguely* thing ,, it’s kinda a mess but *shrug*

phil is such a fun character, anon, especially for all the reasons that you mentioned in the ask!! he’s a really fun character with a lot of complexities that go (sadly) overlooked by a large portion of the fandom, but he’s super cool even tho i havent analyzed him too much. hope you enjoy (and i hope my interpretation of c!phil isnt too ooc lmao) 

tw: mentioned blood, injury, implied torture/abuse, starvation, trauma, mentioned death, prison arc/pandora’s vault

When Techno first brings Dream back from the prison, Phil doesn’t quite know what to think.

“I don’t trust him either,” Techno assures him, but there’s a flickering anger in the backs of his eyes, one that had emerged ever since he came back from the prison with the other man in his arms, and Phil knows his friend well enough to know that the words are empty in the face of the piglin hybrid’s particular brand of to-the-death loyalty. He shakes his head in reply, refusing to voice his thoughts for Techno’s sake, at least, but the look that the other slants at him suggests that he’s caught onto them all the same.

At first, the work is thankfully mindless; even if Phil has reservations on the man that Techno has more or less dumped into his house, he would hardly wish the clear suffering he’s been through on anyone. The first few days pass in a flurry of brewing potions, wrapping and rewrapping dressings, stitching up cuts and setting broken bones straight. The damage is extensive; Phil has to take more than a few breaks to just leave the house and breathe - he’s far from a stranger to blood and carnage, had received the title of ‘Angel of Death’ for a reason, but even he had never been particularly familiar with this form of cruelty. Torture was a level of violence that extended beyond what even he was willing to bestow - his hands may have caused many deaths, and the weight of each one would continue to haunt him for the rest of his life, but even those had the mercy of being a quick end. The wounds and scars that ripple over Dream’s skin, thin and stretched tightly over his bones with little muscle and fat left to cushion them, speak of horrors that were anything but merciful.

“I didn’t know they were capable of all of this,” Techno says, once, as they huddle of Dream, wringing towels in cold water to wipe his feverish skin. Techno’s hand reaches for the ribboning gold-filled scars that remain from the execution - carefully, Phil raises his hand to let his fingertips brush over them as well. “I mean, I knew he was dangerous and all, but-”

“I know, mate,” Phil looks back at Dream’s face, tight even in unconsciousness, at the darkened, hand-shaped bruises that remain around his throat, at the scar that runs over his left eye, clearly meant to mirror the same one that makes its way down the duck hybrid’s own face. “You said that Quackity and Sam were working together?”

“Yeah,” Techno’s expression darkens, eyes focused somewhere on the wall, seemingly very far away. He said that nothing happened to him in the prison, and he seemed relatively unharmed when Phil activated the stasis chamber, but ever since he came back, sometimes he’ll have moments, and Phil can’t help but - wonder. “Quackity does the dirty work, Sam gives him the way in and out, probably also the tools to do it. It’s-” he huffs a short, self-recriminating laugh. “It’s bad, Phil.”

“Mate-”

Techno shoots him a look, and Phil cringes, knowing already that he’d used the wrong tone. Even with the execution, Techno had been adamant to hide all traces of his own terror and fear away from him, masking it all with fury for Phil’s own sake. He knows, just from the way his old friend looks at the ribboning scars that remain sometimes, that he is far from as over the whole ordeal as he acts, but Techno never wants to talk and Phil never knows the right time to ask and they smooth it all behind plans and explosions and hope that the TNT can blow apart the trauma, too. He’s got a sneaking suspicion that the same thing is going to happen, here.

“As soon as we can,” Techno starts again, pointedly shifting his eyes away from Phil’s face, “we’re calling a Syndicate meeting to figure out what we’re going to do about the prison. Like- come on, man, you couldn’t make a more transparent abuse of institutional power if you tried, really-” he looks over, uncharacteristic uncertainty warring over his features. “If you think that’s good, I mean-“

“Of course, mate.” Phil’s voice softens. “Whenever you’re ready.”

‘Whenever he’s ready,’ as it turns out, is easier said than done, becoming even more evident when their charge wakes up from his days long spell of unconsciousness. The worst of his injuries have, under their careful care and the benefit of many potions, healed enough to no longer directly threaten his life, but the vast majority have quite some time to go before being healed completely. Being as the goal was torture and not death, most of his injuries weren’t made to be life-threatening, but rather to cause as much pain as possible - from the grimace that twists Dream’s face when he struggles to force himself awake, they’re doing their jobs.

“Hey, mate, slow down,” Phil murmurs, pressing the man down by his shoulder when Dream weakly tries to push himself up and off the bed, and his struggling only lasts for a few more minutes before he gives up and slumps against his pillow, eyes cracking open and seeming surprisingly lucid.

“Where-“ his voice is wrecked, and Phil reaches for the glass of water at the bedside as Dream coughs. “Where am I?”

“You’re at Techno’s house,” Dream’s eyes widen and then slip closed as he processes the information, a wrinkle forming between his eyebrows as they knit together. “We broke you out, after Techno escaped with a stasis chamber with your book. Do you remember?”

Dream gnaws on his bottom lip. “Um- yeah. I think.” His head turns as his eyes crack open again- “Techno-“

“He’s out, right now. He’ll be back in a bit.”

“Oh.” Dream falls back into the bed, strength seemingly sapped from the short conversation. His breathing stutters, then steadies. “Okay.”

Recovery is slow. Phil doesn’t actually find himself seeing the man very often; now that he doesn’t need around-the-clock care anymore, he’s moved back into his own house, letting Techno do most of the work when it comes to rehabilitating the escaped convict crashing at his house. As he begins to spend more of his time awake and aware, he brings a whole slew of new problems; Phil catches him screaming one day, blurting harsh, angry words as Techno reads, unbothered from the other side of the room, and he stops in his tracks standing awkwardly in the doorway.

“Um-“ he winces when Dream curses, smashes something against the floor, and then curls into himself at the sound. Techno doesn’t even flinch. “Am I interrupting something?”

Dream stomps away, face flushed, arms wrapped around himself. Techno raises an eyebrow.

“You lookin’ for something, Phil?” he asks, and the unpleasant knot in Phil’s chest refuses to unwind.

The episodes, unfortunately, don’t seem to get much better. Though he’s rarely outright violent, Dream looks constantly murderous, usually muttering underneath his breath about something or another while he stalks the grounds of Techno’s house. It’s not too long before Techno sends him out to work around the house instead of just moping within the cottage, which also means that Phil sees him a lot more - tending to a small farm behind the house, feeding the dogs, hacking away at mobs, and usually complaining the entire time. It’s unnerving, even as injured and unarmored as the man is, to see him walking around like this; despite his rather pathetic appearance, swamped in sweaters that dwarf him thoroughly and thin enough to look like the slightest breeze will knock him over, his eyes are flinty and intelligent and bubble with promises of revenge.

“FUCK!” Phil turns to see him slamming a shovel into the snow, stomping away into the woods, and his hands tighten around his cup of tea. Next to him, Techno shrugs.

“Nerd’s got a few issues,” he drawls, and Phil laughs shortly.

“That seems like an understatement.”

“He’ll ease up in time,” Techno sounds surprisingly confident, completely content despite the muffled curses that come from the woods next to them. He’s probably used to it, with Chat and all, but Phil can’t quite seem to find the same calm.

“I just don’t know, mate,” Phil shakes his head. “You sure having him around is the best idea? He doesn’t seem...stable.”

Techno looks up at him over the rim of his cup of coffee. His head tilts, considering, but there’s a small smile on his face that tells Phil that Techno, inexplicably, doesn’t share the same sentiments. There was always a part of him that was, for the lack of a better word, softer than the rest of the server for his self-proclaimed rival, a sort of understanding that Phil could hardly hope (nor would really want to) understand.

“Don’t worry, Phil, if he tries anything I can always just tie him up in the attic or something,” Phil huffs a small laugh, amused, and nods to concede the point. “And- well, call it intuition. You could really try talkin’ to him, you know. He reminds me of you, sometimes.”

The words stick in his head despite his best efforts, rattling in his skull when he tries to sleep, lingering when he catches glimpses of the green-clothed man stalking around their properties. He can’t imagine what would’ve prompted his old friend to make the comparison, can’t think of a single thing (besides their affinity for the color green) that would mark him as similar to the - from what he’s heard - deranged menace with a particular penchant for destruction (not that his rants and fits of anger are doing anything to correct that impression). Even so, Techno had sounded so sure when he’d made the comparison, the words offhand like he’d thought them a million times before, like it was a simple observation that held no more weight than commenting on the color of the sky. Phil watches as Dream lugs a pile of logs behind him, huffing at one of Techno’s dogs that comes to chase and nip at his feet and grumbling loudly before faceplanting into the snow. He just...can’t see it.

Days later, Wilbur comes to visit, a grin on his lips as he dramatically recounts his newest exploit: a nation by Las Nevadas, a supposed safe haven away from the glitter and glory of Quackity’s city; it sounds brilliant, it sounds lovely, and more than anything it sounds stupid, and Phil tells him as such immediately.

“You’re being reckless,” he rants at his son, wings flaring outwards and only barely noticing Dream watching from the corner of his eye, “What are you doing- picking fights with Quackity? Starting another nation- didn’t you see what happened to the first two you made? You’re going to get yourself killed, Wil!”

“Well, I’ve already seen what’s on the other side of death, and it’s really not that bad-“

“You’re my son!” The words are angrier than Phil would’ve liked, and he knows that he looks ridiculous and overbearing, criticizing the actions of his fully grown son, but all he can see is Wilbur’s face, slack with pain and grief, stained with ash and soot as his eyes flutter to half-mast in the midst of the rubble of a country he loved and destroyed and destroyed him in turn. “I can’t lose you again, Wil!”

Wilbur doesn’t quite storm out, but it’s a near thing, leaving with a clipped goodbye and leaving Phil seething on his doorstep. He spends the rest of the night pacing around the house in a sort of mad frenzy, wings stretching and folding over and over. Not for the first time, he longs for the sky, to feel the air through his wings and let the world fall into pinpricks below him; it’s this that leads him to the roof of his house, staring stubbornly at the clouds as the sun sinks down to the horizon.

“Hey.”

Phil startles; there, down below him, is Dream. He rocks back on his heels, seeming awkward, before clambering up the wall (Phil rolls his eyes at the ease with which he scales it, the feeling in his chest almost fond) and settling himself on the shingles at Phil’s side.

“Hey, mate,” Phil shakes his head. The fondness leaves, and the irritation that had risen at Wilbur’s words, earlier, comes back full-force. “Sorry- Wil came to visit, we talked. I just needed some time to think.”

Dream hums in acknowledgement, and they fall into a comfortable silence, watching as the sun dipping down past the mountains in the distance.

“You know,” Dream starts, sudden, “I told him the same thing.” He looks up at Phil, eyes faraway with old memories. “Wilbur, I mean. When he made L’manburg- I told him he was being reckless.” He shrugs. “I guess he never listened.”

Phil pauses, Techno’s words ringing in his ears. He reminds me of you, sometimes.

Dream looks surprisingly normal up close - face no longer reddened with fever or pale from blood loss, even the scars fail to really take from the boyishness of his face. He bites his lips, eyes falling away at Phil’s scrutiny, golden blond hair flopping over his forehead, newly trimmed to be something a little closer to his old length, at least in the front, the back pulled into a small ponytail. He’s young, and shockingly awkward, teeth worrying his lip, hands fiddling with each other, shifting his weight from one foot to the other several times a minute. He looks like a kid.

“He never does,” Phil lets himself smile, watches as Dream smiles back, almost like they’re sharing a joke. He wonders how well he really knows the man behind the mask. “Want to come in for some tea?”

Dream smiles wider, and something old and worn in Phils chest, knocked loose ever since he felt his son fall limp in his arms with his own sword shoved between his ribs, falls back into place.

“That would be great,” Dream replies, the words almost hopeful, and they go inside.