#and my mental health and my way of responding to that issue

[ttulipwritezz]

King Of My Heart (Body And Soul)~ R. Lupin.

Chapter 4 - Kings And Queens 

Ootp! Remus Lupin x Sirius's sister!Reader

Synopsis: When James and Lily died, and your brother was sent to Azkaban, Remus was the only person you had left. Until he left too. What happens when he returns after the events of Sirius's escape, only to find out you have a son? A son that's his.

WC: 2k

 Warnings: lots of italics, probably grammatical mistakes, kiss(es), might be ooc idk, child (?), fem reader, italics are flashbacks ( idk), love (ew), Sirius is back, mentions of torture, abuse, walburga black, abandonment, mentions Of attempts to suicide, mental health issues, young parents.

A/n: So.....I'm updating after two months... nice. anyway, thanks sm for all the love and support y'all gave on this series, i promise i'll update sooner now lol. I put in lotta effort into this chapter, so i hope you enjoy. If you like this, please reblog and comment! <3 (p.s. the series isn't over lol it has a few more to go.)

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A gasp echoes through the empty corridor.

Not yours…

Regulus's.

"He is my father?"

The words escape him with such hatred 

"Dove i-"

Remus's eyes widened at the endearment. 

"Professor Lupin is my father? Why didn't you ever tell me!?"

You can hear the anger in his voice. It makes you question yourself again. 

Why does everyone think it’s your fault?

Regulus glances between you and Remus. You’re certain you see tears prick in the corners of his eyes. His face is red, much like his fathers.

While you collect your thoughts, he takes a deep breath. Closing his eyes abruptly, he repeats.

“Why didn’t you-” 

His voice seems to choke up towards the end.

 "I didn't deem it necessary Reg-"

Attempting to keep a level head you tried to explain yourself before your son cut you off.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!" 

Now he’s done it.

"Regulus! You will not raise your voice at your mother!" 

Your eyes go wide, you say the words with a booming voice. 

The whole house seems to quake. You couldn't help the parts of your mother, walburga, that seeped into you. You were her daughter after all. 

Regulus let out a sound close to a scoff and seemed to seethe with fury as he made his way up the stairs, his door made a creaking sound as if pushed by enormous force, pausing before lightly closing with click, as though he had stopped it before the slam came.

Realising that Remus was still in the room, you sighed before lifting your gaze up to meet his.

You open your mouth a couple times but no words seem to come out. You drop your gaze again.

Luckily for you, your name tumbles out of Remus's mouth before he asks a question.

“He…he doesn’t know?” 

His voice was filled with hesitation. You could see his hand lift up towards you in your peripherals. He hesitated. Of course he did.

“I didn’t tell him. I couldn’t.”

Ironic huh? Your husband returns after fourteen years and all you’ve done today is try to explain yourself.

It’s all too overwhelming. You need to get away.

Before Remus could respond to you, your feet seemed to lead you back to the stairs. 

You turn around once you hear your name again. He calls you that a lot…

“I could…talk to him, you know?”

His eyebrows are raised in what you can guess as hope, and his voice sounds scratchy.

Contemplating for a moment, you respond.

“Do what you please Lupin, I don’t care.”

A shake of your accompanies the words.

You tried to make yourself seem stern. But you aren’t.

And he knows that. He knows you better than you know yourself.

You feel a tug on your arm. Looking down at him from the stairs, a wave of nostalgia hits you. His hand feels warm on your arm. You can hear the wind blowing outside. 

It feels…the same.

You walk in the great hall and make your way towards your friends. not before sparing a glance and smile towards the marauders, mainly remus.

Remus's mouth quirks up at the corner as he gives you a lopsided grin, his crooked teeth showing through.

This doesn't go unnoticed by Sirius, his brows furrow and he lets out a noise somewhat similar to a scoff

"My sister moony? really?" he drawls, turning his eyes to his plate, attention still on Remus, who startles and looks back to deny his proclamations.

"what? I just gave her a smile." His confusion makes the other two marauders burst out in laughter. Their boisterous laugh echoes through the great hall, drawing your attention.

 With a glance shared with Remus, you let them be.

"I see how you look at her, it's obvious mate" Sirius grabs his attention again and begins to prepare to leave for his class.

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"you very well do" A bored expression adorns Sirius's face.

Remus furrows his brows before your retreating figure catches his attention.

Noticing his distraction, Sirius rolls his eyes and turns around to leave.

“Talk to her.” He mutters to Remus before he’s gone.

Much to Peter and James’s surprise Remus does indeed listen.

He follows you out of the Great hall, looks right and left before spotting you towards the stairs.

Taking long strides he makes his way over to you.

You hear your name once. It’s Remus.

His eyebrows are raised in what you can guess as hope.

You feel a tug on your arm. Your eyes meet his, that look right behind you at something.

Before you can form a word, he pulls you hard towards his chest.

A group of third years pass by, hitting your shoulder as they pass by, no doubt in a hurry to reach their first class.

Your face is hidden in Remus's chest long after you can no longer hear them.

As he opens his mouth to say something, a smile breaks out on your face, easing his nerves.

That was the best laugh you two had had all week.

Remus wordlessly pulls you into his chest.

Your arms automatically go to wrap around his middle. No matter how much you hate him right now, you can’t deny the comfort his warmth brings you.

You’ll worry later. That night you cry in his chest, for the first time in fourteen years.

Three knocks on Regulus’s door pulled him out of his trance, as he was busy Staring at the ceiling.

He glanced over at the door in anticipation.

“Can I come in?” Remus's voice echoes through the mostly empty room.

Most of regulus's belongings seemed to have not made their way into this house. Remus understands why.

With hesitation, Regulus nods His head once and Remus lets himself in.

“Can we talk…?”  Remus was unsure, that much was evident.

Regulus nodded once more and moved his gaze across the room. Avoiding his fathers eyes Like the plague.

Remus cleared his throat before sitting down on the bed.

His throat bobbed up and down, As did the mattress. It made a squeaking noise, Filling in the silence that enveloped the room.

“We need to talk…” Uncertainty lingered in his voice.

With silence as Regulus’s only response, He continued.

“I-” 

a sigh followed his pause 

“I- uh- when you were little…welp- Not born yet. Heck I had no clue you were going to be born. I-” 

Remus's throat felt dry, he was stammering, his words were jumbled. He had no idea what to say. 

He only just got to know the kid.

So he started with the obvious.

“I…am your father-”

That earned him a snort of laughter from Regulus.

“Yeah, no shit.”

At Least He was making progress…?

“But I made a mistake, I left your mother when we were both at our worst, I can never forgive myself for that. And I don't expect her to either.”

Remus paused again. His Brows furrowed and eyes squinted as if he was choosing His next words carefully.

Regulus's feet tapped on the floor, impatience, Remus recognised that trait, must've gotten it from his mother.

Taking this as a sign to go on, he continued.

"I love her, kid....she's my everything "....

"Then why'd you leave her?" 

Regulus spoke very little, but when he did, it was hard to miss.

"I didn't know she had you, my boy...if i'd known i wouldn't leave-" 

"no.”

Remus's words halted, his brows furrowed in obvious confusion.

No?

“ I asked why you left her... not me. Merlin! You say you love her but left her alone. Didn't You?"

Oh

"i was scared and foolish a-and young-"

Remus tried to explain himself, to justify himself.

With each word he spoke, Regulus's blood seemed to boil.

"Do you have any idea how much pain you've caused her!? Mum wanted to kill herself, professor. She didn't want to live."

There was an urgency in Regulus's voice, like Remus would disappear again the moment he stopped talking.

You'd remember that night like it was yesterday. The stars were gleaming, the moon was full. 

It made you want to give up. You were on the ledge when a small voice inside your head called out "stop, he needs you. regulus needs you" so you got down, and took a step back, your heart racing and thumping against your chest.

You remember, the bigger voice that screamed at you to let go "Godric! you coward. You coward. Do it. Just. Do. It." It said.

You backed off and fell to your knees, sobbing when the reality of it came crashing down. 

You were twenty eight. Regulus was six. Only six.

And he was standing behind the balcony door, scared, nervous and relieved at the same time. He didn't want you gone, but he didn't want you to suffer.

He was just a boy. And he was hurt. 

He was torn and you didn't know.

"I saw her, she wanted to give up. A part of me wanted her to give up, be free, I thought. Hell, I was just a kid. I didn't know anything"

Hot tears escaped Regulus's eyes, his hands going up to frantically wipe them away. When he failed, he just pressed his palms into them to try and stop the flood of oncoming tears.

Both shocked and ashamed by Regulus's words, Remus's first instinct was to cradle his son, comfort him, but Regulus Pushed his hands away and looked straight at him through red eyes.

"I hope you're better now...and I'll not hesitate to say this- she deserves better." 

A few tears gathered on Remus's lash line, he blinked them away.

He had gotten good at that huh?

His mouth opened yet no words came out.

“You should go…” 

Regulus said, at last, sensing Remus's speechlessness.

The bed creaked as he got up, taking slow and unsteady steps towards The door.

The doorknob felt cold in his hands, he thought.

"Hey, professor..." 

Remus looked back.

"take care of mum...she's been through a lot"

With a nod, Remus exited the room. Leaving Regulus to go back to staring at his ceiling.

As he enters the hallway, his eyes fall onto a vase.

A vase with a singular flower in it, no doubt enchanted to stay fresh.

It looked familiar....too familiar.

Sitting on a picnic blanket, at a time you're certain is past your curfew, is less than ideal on a cold winter night.

But laying here with remus makes it all, so, very worth it.

Your attention from the stars is taken away for a moment as you feel a tug on your fingers.

Remus takes your hand into his, intertwines your fingers and gently places it above his chest, the place where you'd think his heart is.

"You know... you're the queen of my heart"

You just about melt into a puddle at the way he says it.

“And my body...and my soul" he adds. 

You let out an airy chuckle before responding.

"You cheeky poet."

"Tortured poet." Remus attempts to correct you with faux irritation.

"Alright" 

This is accompanied by another snicker. 

"I'm serious!" Remus says, though he does mirror your smile.

You feign confusion as you reply.

“but you're Remus."

Remus just about whines at your pathetic joke with your brother's name as he leans back pushing one leg up and resting his free hand on it, before kissing the back of your intertwined fingers. 

You stare up at him as he watches the sun set. 

As you tighten your grip and lay your head on his shoulder, you think...

‘You too are the king of my heart, body, and soul.’

And that night you remember till today.

You picked that flower that night, he remembers.

And if you still have the flower, then he has hope.

He'll make it up to you, he thinks.

No matter how long it takes.

He knows he will.

Series taglist: @twilightlover2007 @idli-dosa @lovesanimals0000 @deathbyramennoodle-s @deadgirlsrunning @lovelyypythoness @corvinalitbitina @joeytribbiani18 @mayusaatma @csifandom @kissmeunicornbaobei @takem3tothelakes @loser-withwifi @roraxruw @empress-simps @callsignwidow @geeksareunique @0strawberrysorbet0 @deamus-liv General taglist: @desikudisworld @iamgayforyourmom1510

[moldycantaloupe]

Mushy May Day 16

(bonus prompt 10) "shut up i'm taking care of you"

Cw's: mental health problems. isolation, self deprecation, issues eating, non-sexual nudity (showering together). but it is a mushy prompts list, so all ends well!

notes; this one was like a mind flayer and took control over my hands and suddenly there 1,2k words of hurt/comfort, my fave. thanks as always to @forlorn-crows for putting together the prompts!

Rain didn’t… know what happened. The day before, everything was fine. Normal even. They ate their dinner with the pack, played on their acoustic with Dew, and then went to bed. It was an easy, simple night. They laid in their bed, exhaustion heavy in their muscles, but their mind raced.

They knew they were okay. Logically they knew the pack cared so deeply about them. Logic, unfortunately, was not winning the battle tonight. They felt the first round of tears sting and scrubbed viciously at their eyes, their breathing shaky. Their mind screamed at them to hide away, isolate from their pack until they were nothing more than a nameless ghoul. No one would notice, they figured. 

But, logically, everyone would notice. They knew logically. 

It started with a quiet knock in the morning. A little later than when they usually woke up, but a sleepless night forced the exhaustion to seep further down into their bones. The knock wasn’t persistent, just someone coming to wake them up for breakfast. Judging from the footfall after they knocked, it was most likely either Aurora or Cirrus. Rain opted with Cirrus.

Twenty minutes went by before the next round of knocking started, followed by Aether’s soft voice. He mentioned that they left a plate for them in the oven, and that he was there for them if they wanted to talk. That they all were. They curled into themselves further, throwing the blanket over their eyes to hide even farther. Had they really done this so much that the pack knew their patterns? It hadn’t even been an hour and already they were being a nuisance to their pack. 

The day wasted away. They only got up to use the bathroom before crawling back to their bed. The bedding felt heavy against their skin, the pillow somehow greasy, but it was all they had in the moment. It felt like they were in fight or flight, and their body and mind couldn’t pick an option. 

A few others came by throughout the morning and into the afternoon. Most would knock, call out, and then leave when they got no response. They heard Phantom walk by at some point, and the young quint didn’t knock nor call out. Rain thought they had left quietly before they quietly sighed, just barely loud enough that Rain could hear, before finally walking away. They felt a fresh batch of tears well in their eyes at the disappointment obvious in the quint.

It was nearing the evening of the day. Rain stayed in their fetal position most of the day, their body aching in ways that were comforting but ultimately awful. They felt cold, a type that couldn’t be fixed with blankets. Their stomach groaned in need of food but they felt nauseous at the thought of eating or drinking anything. They had flitted in and out of sleep for most of the day, but the exhaustion made its way down through their bones and into their core. 

They were woken up from their nth nap of the day by the doorknob turning and the door opening. They smelt before they heard Mountain enter, the earthy smell of sage and rosemary flooding their room. They held their breath and kept their body stone still, scared of what he was here to do. They felt guilt immediately for assuming the worst in the gentle giant, but kept still. 

Instead of anything malicious, he sat down at the end of the bed and placed his hand against their calf. He messaged at the skin. It was so warm. Their eyes stared directly ahead of them to the blank wall, not daring to look at him.

“Rain,” he quietly called out. They didn’t respond. 

He sighed and took his hand away to stand. They violently flinched when he scooped his arms under them and picked them up bridal style. They shut their eyes tight.

“We’re going to wash up,” Mountain pulled the mounds of blankets off and away from them, the dull thud as they fell sharp against their ears, “and then try and get some food into you. Does that sound good, starfish?” 

Rain kept their eyes shut. Mountain took it as a yes and walked towards the bathroom. 

He sat them on the toilet and they slouched heavily until their head hit his stomach. He twisted to turn the water on before he focused his attention back towards them. With a bit of maneuvering, the two managed to get their clothes off, Rain being very little help. Mountain said nothing as he lowered Rain onto their shower seat, the spray of the water forcing a heavy sigh out of them. He shucked his shirt to the ground and stepped in himself, just to the side of them. They hesitated every movement as he helped get them clean; fingers twitching when he asked for them to lift their arm, head locked in place when he pointed the sprayer towards their hair. Everything built up higher and higher in their small body until it came crumbling down when he massaged the shampoo into their curls, his blunt fingers rubbing soothing circles into their scalp. Their face, deadpan and void of emotion before, broke into a deep frown as the tears that teased them all day finally fell down their face, an ugly sob coming deep from their chest. They held their head in their hands while Mountain continued to lather the soap through their hair. They leaned into his touch, suds spreading to his abdomen. He kicked up a purr that vibrated through their ears to their brain. They sobbed harder, loud whines and hiccups and guttural cries.

“I’m-” they sucked in a harsh breath, “I’m sor- sorry-”

“None of that,” Mountain spoke softly but firm, voice unwavering. 

“I was being- being so selfish.” They argued. 

He shook his head. “It happens, starfish.”

“And now I’m f-forcing you to deal with me-” they were interrupted by him leaning down, just enough for them to see him through tears, and his smile was so gentle, so caring. So genuine. It made them fall harder into him.

“None of that.” Mountain stood back up and leaned over to grab the spray. They let his firm hand tip their head back as he began washing the suds out of their hair. “I’m taking care of you.”

The rest of the shower consisted of Mountain rubbing conditioner through their hair as their sobbing died down into something quiet. He helped them dry off and put into clean clothing, boxers and a shirt that was definitely not theirs. He opened the bathroom door and their nose twitched. It led them to their nightstand, where a bowl of oatmeal sat. Mountain sat them on their bed, the covers and pillows no longer feeling heavy but warm and comfortable, and crawled in himself. He whispered kind words as they carefully ate, the bowl warm against their thighs. They set the bowl back down after a few bites, stomach still upset from their mental turmoil of the day. Mountain didn’t complain, though. He praised them as he tucked the two of them in.

Rain hid themselves away into his chest, arms cautiously wrapped around his waist. He purred loud enough for the next room over to hear. They rubbed their head against him in an attempt to scent him, his scent lulling them into a soft mindset and heavy eyes.

“Mount,” they slurred into his skin. He hummed in question.

“Thank you.” 

He shifted a hand to their still damp hair and began scratching at their horns. They began to purr as well. 

[quelsentiment]

.

[moregraceful]

i will say one thing i learned this year - besides don't ragequit your benefited full time job with health insurance before you have a clear plan for what to do next - is that job interviews do in fact get a lot easier the more you do them. possibly because in my last job i was just continually failing up so they were willing to excuse some pretty atrocious interviews, but having done...several...interviews for new-to-me workplaces in the past couple of months really is like, it gets easier to do with practice. at least for someone like me who has a lot of anxiety, just getting out there and continually having to talk myself up and present my experience as something valuable and earned rather than given has been really good.

[mejomonster]

Engineering and my own capacity for self destruction really gave me ptsd in a way I could've never fathomed

[stylonuridae]

I hate girlblogging I hate waif culture I hate random people misusing terms like ‘delusional’ I hate femcels I hate qwirky mental illness posts

[dragon-in-the-tardis]

had the emotional equivalent of getting smacked over the head with a cartoon frying pan o7

[thexphial]

I feel like I have come to a point with Tumblr that I need to make a post about the way they have handled (or rather, not handled) moderation. At approximately 3am on Saturday, February 11, 2023, my wife was informed that her Tumblr account had been terminated. This came with no other information. She was not given details as to why her account was terminated and the only recourse she had was to use the "contact support" form to ask why her account was terminated and ask for how she could restore it. As of today, Feb 21, 2023, she has heard back nothing from the moderation team, just an acknowledgement that her emails have been received. We are looking at 10 days with zero communication.

My wife's account was used for fandom, for political commentary, and to discuss queer issues. She was active for years, and should not have been flagged as a bot based on her activity. If she was reported or has broken a rule, we do not know what it could have been. If this could happen to her, it could happen to you, to anyone. She used her account as a primary way of connecting with others and its loss has been a serious blow to her mental health. I have written to support myself and received a response but it was simply to tell me that she should contact them, which she has already done.

It's clear that they are not responding to her for reason or reasons unknown, given the fact that I got a response in 24 hrs but she has gotten nothing at all in 10 days. There seems to be no way to contact the moderation team outside of the support form, which has been ineffective. I feel I have no recourse but to make this issue public. Again, if this could happen to my wife, it could happen to anyone. I am half expecting to be terminated just for writing this post. I am going to try to blaze this, but I doubt they will allow it. If you see it, could you pass it on?

Thank you!

[genderqueerdykes]

small observations for people who are just starting testosterone HRT

If you suffer from chronic fatigue, chronic illness, or mental illness, you may notice that your energy levels dip down very low after first starting T. this is due your body needing extra energy to process the extra hormones, not anything long lasting. after your body adjusts, this fatigue will go away, and you may actually find that you have way, way more energy now

Beards love to be patchy and mustaches love to be invisible or nonexistent at first. if your beard is patchy at first, or if you just can't grow a full mustache, this is also normal. it can take years of testosterone HRT for beards to become full, especially if you had low T to begin with. moisturizing your beard regularly can help reduce this, and also any potential itchiness from being too long. beards will get itchy for many if they get long.

The acne (should) go away after your body adjusts, and you will not be greasy forever. you will find that your natural body odor smells different, though. this lasts as long as you are on T, as far as i'm aware for most people, but it's only noticeable for me when i get very sweaty after a lot of exertion, or illness.

You may find after you adjust that you have generally a bit more stamina or ease with starting up or adjusting to new physical activities after you've adjusted. it may be easier for you to work out now because you don't become fatigued as easy, for example, or you may find it is easier for you to put on muscle density.

The mood swings will calm down in time- they are most severe right after you start T, and then taper down as your body adjusts. it doesn't turn you into a "rage monster". you just go through normal pubescent moodiness. it's manageable, especially if you have good coping skills like physical activity, journaling, or art while stressed.

Libido goes either way, i've noticed. many people see a huge spike in libido at first, sometimes it stays for a long time, other people don't notice any change whatsoever. also, T for most people will not change what gender or type of person you are attracted to, however it can change how you view yourself in relationships and lead you to changing your identity labels, or questioning things. it generally doesn't make people change their identities overnight, though

Periods do stop for the vast majority of transmascs. it can take a long time, but they do stop if your doseage of T is right for you. if yours haven't stopped and you do not have reproductive health issues, you likely just need a higher dose to see this effect.

Breast tissue reduces in density when higher levels of testosterone are in the body, so it is very likely that you will see your breasts become flatter or even "Deflate" a bit. this is entirely normal. my chest has been like this my entire life due to very high T from hyperandrogenism & intersexuality

Balding can definitely happen, but this is generally only if you have a genetic predisposition to it. i have actually not seen many transmascs bald, although for many of us, our hairlines do shift upwards, but it's not noticeable unless you compare how you look now to older pics of yourself, and generally it takes years for your hairline to migrate anyway, which is natural for AMAB people later in life anyway. even if you do bald, you can speak with your prescriber and have access to medications to help with balding. it's not the end of the road and many respond very well to medication.

[kindnessoverperfection]

I want to break down a common point of conflict when addressing NPD stigma.

A lot of hangups people have tend to be along the lines of "but I DO see a lot of people with actual NPD who are acting in toxic or abusive ways".

This will be kind of long, so bear with me.

Point #1: People are way more likely to be diagnosed if they exhibit "stereotypical" symptoms.

There's this image of NPD as a disorder that is only present in those with patterns of destructive behavior towards others. Many therapists have this conception. (Shockingly, the mental health field is not perfect & without stigma.)

Gonna copy-paste this here from my other blog (so forgive me if you've seen it before), because it's a good example.

Three people are criticized at work. Their boss yells at them for their performance in front of everyone. Person A gets mad and defensive. They yell back, using cutting remarks as a way to try and ease the distress they feel. Person B acts really mature and responsible the whole time, nodding along and agreeing and promising to do better, just desperate to maintain and improve their status. Desperate to be liked. Later they go home and handle their distress through self-destructive means, and spend the next few months overworking themself to the point of illness. Person C doesn't seem to respond much at all. They go quiet and seem distant. They don't lash out or lash in, but for the next month or so, their productivity drops. They simply aren't able to focus on work or self-care, no matter how hard they try. The stress is overwhelming. All three of these people have the same root issues, but only the first would be labeled a narcissist. Outwards behaviors and presentations don't reflect the pain, distress, and difficulties with life that are underlying them.

So, three main things happen.

There ends up being a higher rate of people with destructive behaviors who are diagnosed with NPD

The people who don't particularly exhibit behaviors and are considered ""too nice to have it"" are overlooked entirely (and never get any sort of help for their underlying issues, yayyy)

People are more likely to be more honest about "ugly" symptoms / symptoms that are frowned down upon than they are in other mental health communities.

(Also some people decide to act super edgy about it, which is annoying but here we are. Some of them are trolls.)

(And while I'm at it, some people are misdiagnosed with NPD because a psych sees someone who committed a violent crime and is like "uhh slap them with the Evil Asshole™ disorders!! no further thought given.")

Point #2: People who have messed up are not inhuman monsters who deserve no help or support

While I do think it's important for people to understand that patterns of toxic behaviors aren't the ONLY way NPD can present, I'm not going to let the conversation stop at "some of us are nice though!!"

Human beings aren't RPG characters who can be sorted into "monster" or "ally". Every single person has done something hurtful, has messed up, exhibits some sort of behavior that puts strain on their relationships sometimes.

So I'll bullet point some aspects of this that need to be talked about.

People without NPD also commonly exhibit toxic behaviors, but people ignore that nowadays. Either they armchair diagnose anyone who's slightly rude, or they only focus on it in pwNPD and ignore it in themselves or others. NTs can be jerks too, and they're probably less likely to acknowledge it than pwNPD who are constantly watching and checking themselves and analyzing their behaviors and attempting to do better.

Assuming that NPD makes someone abusive doesn't help anyone. Can it impact behaviors, and make it more difficult for people to be self-aware? Of course. But an important step in healing from any mental health condition (especially personality disorders, ime) is realizing that you're not inherently ""bad"", and that you can take responsibility for your actions and learn to deal with things in constructive ways. Just going "NPD makes people bad, full stop"- other than being a mean shitty thing to say- absolves people of guilt and asserts that there's no reason for them to try and improve.

Yes, it's okay for people to hate their abusers. Their abuser. Not an entire community of people who happen to (maybe) share a trait with them.

Building on the above point, people tend to go in defense mode when they hear things like "pwNPD who have acted in toxic ways can learn to improve their behavior", "people shouldn't be saying awful things about folks with this condition", etc. because they automatically try to apply this to their abuser. Interpersonal situations are very different from society-wide mental health access. No, don't stay with your abuser expecting them to change, and don't hold onto the hope that they will. No, don't censor yourself or your hatred or anger towards them. Just don't make blanket statements about a disorder that they may or may not have- blame their abusive actions, not their mental health.

"I hate you for your abusive actions and the harm that you caused me." =/= "I hate a group of people because of an inherent unchangeable part of them that's tied directly to severe childhood trauma they suffered. Because of it, they're evil and unlovable and are incapable of change. They're inhuman and will never experience real connection with others." ..........See the difference??

Even if there were a disorder with a 100% rate of toxic douchey behaviors, I'd want the conversation around it to be changed. I'd want different words to be used to divide up the spaces and conversations and resources, so that survivors of abusive or toxic behavior can get help, but that the disorder still has space to be treated. Otherwise, there are zero resources for healing. Nothing is being done to help these people or solve the issue. They're just told they may as well not try. They're blocked from healthcare entirely, despite how the entire point of being diagnosed with a condition is supposed to be to treat it.

There's a wide range of people who have NPD- it presents in many different ways, a person who has it may or may not exhibit harmful behaviors- but no one deserves to be denied treatment or told they're unlovable because of a condition they have that was formed from trauma.

Speak out against abusive behavior. Don't destroy healthcare for a medical condition.

[d3adlyromb3ar]

✩ ‧₊˚ ✩。devil, meet angel

— pairing. choso x fem!reader

— synopsis. you were sent to exorcize him. upon meeting him, you can’t bring yourself to go through with it.

— word count. 2.2k

— warnings. angst, self hate, mental health issues, mentions of death, fluff, hurt/comfort, jjk violence, injuries, slight gore, suicidal ideation, choso just being a sweet boy we love him

main masterlist

You didn’t know what to think of him as he sat from afar, playing checkers with himself. It was both confusing and intriguing, and it pulled you closer towards him. Footsteps quiet and calculated.

If you were anything— it was stealthy. You could come and go as if you were never there, undetected like a ghost. Perhaps that’s how you got the nickname.

The Ghost.

His pale skin glowed, the porcelain like surface perfect— no flaws to be seen. The intricate markings among his face, complimenting the dark purple bags under his eyes. In an odd way— he was quite beautiful. Too beautiful to be a curse.

Almost as if he sensed you, his head slowly raised from the board and his eyes locked with yours.

The sudden realization that you had been caught watching— you felt glued to your spot. Staying as incredibly still— hoping you’d blend in with your environment. But at last, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes squinted upon your watchful gaze.

You were prepared to exorcize him, energy pulsing beneath your palms— the buzzing sensation itching to release. With calculated steps, you inched closer to the man.

Your first step had his eyes squinting even more, his expression mostly unchanging.

Why was I approaching this curse? I should exorcize it immediately— no questions. You thought.

Keeping your steps even and slow— you had made it closer to him. Standing a good ten feet away. Looking into his eyes, now that you were closer— you were shocked to find such emotion within them.

You weren’t even sure if he knew how expressive his eyes were.

Swallowing nervously all of a sudden, you raised your chin— false confidence.

“You know why I’m here.” You started.

Somewhere in the back of your mind wondered why you were creating small talk with something you were meant to exorcize. Maybe it was simply a way to make exorcising curses more interesting— or perhaps it was the way he didn’t show any signs to fight.

The man looked you up and down, his face stuck on a neutral— almost bored expression. But his eyes, they spoke for him.

“Guess I do.” He responded, his voice low and gravelly.

You felt an awkward tug at your chest— unsure of what more to say. Unsure if you should exorcize him without another word.

“Just like that? Thought you’d at least put up a fight.” You wondered out loud.

Your words had the man tilting his head, the checkers forgotten below him as he stood suddenly. His height making itself know, the distinct difference— that if he were to approach you now— he’d be towering over you.

“Why bother… at last I’ll be with my brothers.” He revealed.

His words were shocking, very human of him. It had your chest aching with hurt. Hurt for him.

“Your… your brothers?” You wondered, already having a suspicion.

The man closed his eyes for a moment before opening them to stare you down. His jaw set, his eyes furious but broken.

“They’re dead, because of your friends.” He spoke carefully.

Your heart throbbed painfully in your chest, the shame filling your body as you began to beat yourself up for something you didn’t do. But you couldn’t help but feel at fault.

The man noticed the twitch in her brow, the way her mouth turned down from his words. Her reaction was intriguing to him— wondering why she was taking so long to end him once and for all.

Loss was something you knew well— an unfortunate feeling that lingered amongst your entire life. It was only natural to feel for others that had to experience it as well. Which was why you found yourself speaking your next words to him.

“I’m sorry.”

The man stared at you in confusion, studying your expression. He was slightly disgusted to find your reaction genuine. But why?

“Wh-what…” He trailed off.

You closed your hands into fists, trying to restrain the energy you had previously built up. Desperate to bury it within you until it deem useful.

“Your brothers. I’m sorry you had to lose them.” You spoke quietly, unsure if you had a place to be sorry for him.

His eyes narrowed at you, his own hands tightening into fists now. But as you gazed upon him, and took in his body language— you still could not find any aggression.

Meanwhile, the man was confused why you— a sorcerer— was sending him your condolences. Was it confusion he felt within him, or was it appreciation?

That would be twisted— apologizing for something your friends were at fault of. He wanted to think, but couldn’t find it in himself to.

He could only nod in thanks, choosing he to stay silent as he got lost in his own thoughts. All surrounding you.

Suddenly, the guilt sensation began to wash over you in such a way you felt physically dirty. Your skin itched— your hands clammy as you kept them squeezed tight. The realization of what you were about to do— to someone who was mourning. Someone who clearly wasn’t exactly a curse. It was only the same reminder you’d get after every mission.

Who was the real monster?

You shivered with the thought that echoed loudly within you, and you held an opened hand to your chest. In hopes your heart would slow.

The man just watched, his eyes drinking in the scene before him. Wondering why you were in such a distraught state all of a sudden. It was the concern that bubbled within him, that had him clenching his jaw.

You turned and began to walk away, not uttering another word as you just needed to escape to hiding.

“Where are you going…” He muttered, loud enough for you to hear.

He knew you did, with how your body tensed and slowed their steps. Luckily, you turned to the side, able to look him in the eye.

“Forget that this ever happened. I never saw you, you never saw me.” You explained, voice shaky.

The man looked at you in confusion, in disbelief that you were sparing him— letting him live another day. That same foreign feeling washes through him, and suddenly his gaze was softening.

“I don’t understand.” He wondered out loud again.

You shook your head, forcing a smile that didn’t reach your eyes.

“You don’t need to.” You said lately, before turning away from him again.

This time you didn’t turn back around, and you kept walking with hurried steps until you found yourself crouched in a dark alley. Allowing the guilt to finally begin to eat away at you.

A part of you enjoyed this hell— a part of you feeling like you deserved such pain.

Meanwhile, Choso was trying to understand your reaction. He was hellbent on figuring out why you left, allowing him to live.

What a strange girl you are. He thought.

The small interaction between you and the man replayed in your mind. Causing you to be more distracted than usual, causing you to doubt your abilities— your purpose as a sorcerer. As of lately, it didn’t feel right. Exorcising curses didn’t feel satisfying.

Your mind wasn’t in the right place, and that’s how you ended up crawling away from the destruction of the battle. Bleeding out as you had let the curse you just exorcised, get the jump on you.

With agonizing pain, you eventually crawled your way far enough from the damage. Letting your form lean back against a brick wall. It was then you could assess yourself.

The open wound on your side was the most painful, the harsh throbbing— the sensation of the blood oozing out. It had you sweating, chest rising and falling quickly in attempts to stay conscious. You could feel the left side of your face start to burn, raising fingers to trace the outline of a cut. Starting from just above your eyebrow, dipping straight through the hairs and stopping just near your eye.

You hissed as your fingers pressed too hard on a tender spot.

Your body felt weak, exhausted as it racked up all the minor cuts and bruises— the weight of your injuries causing your eyes to droop.

This was it? Where was my phone? I should probably call for help. You thought helplessly.

Through all the pain, the questions that flew through your mind— one thought stuck out the most.

Maybe I deserved to die.

It was a sick way to be thinking, knowing how selfish it would be to give up now. People needed saving, they needed your help. But it felt impossible to find strength— any strength to keep your eyes open.

Your hand stayed tightly pressed against the wound on your side, desperate to keep the blood from oozing for however long you could. Your eyes were unfocused and staring at the ground.

There was no worse way to die, than dying alone.

Before you could drown in that thought, footsteps were heard approaching. Immediately you tensed up, glancing up quickly at your attacker.

Your breath got caught in your throat at the sight of… him again.

The same man who had taken up your headspace.

During your shock at seeing him, Choso gave himself a moment to study you. You were obviously hurt and in pain, your body battered to a pulp. He couldn’t understand why he felt so bad for you— someone who almost killed him.

You couldn’t help but stay tense, feeling like a cornered animal— waiting for your predator to attack. But as before, the man made no indication that he was going to hurt you. Instead, he squatted down in front of you— not missing the way you flinched back at his sudden closeness.

“You’re hurt.” He stated, as if it wasn’t obvious.

You couldn’t find it in yourself for a snarky comeback, not when you felt this defeated.

“W-why? What are yo- I—”

“You’re hurt, allow me to help you.” He interrupted your babbling.

Your eyes were painted in confusion, your features twisting into uncertainty. Everything about this didn’t feel right, you should’ve pushed him away and allow yourself to die instead. But you couldn’t control the way your body relaxed, your head bowing in submission.

“My name is Choso. What’s yours?” He asked, his hands ripping a part of your jacket off, creating a long bandage like strand.

You swallowed, taking a deep breath in before responding.

“I-It’s (Y/n).” You rasped out, the taste of iron coating your tongue suddenly.

Choso snuck a quick glance to you at the reveal of your name. (Y/n)… he quickly realized he liked it.

He gently snuck the jacket strand behind the dip of your lower back, tying it tightly around your wound. The sensation had you whining, teeth digging into your bottom lip as you tried to conceal your cries. The pain had washed over your body with such intensity, you felt like you were going to faint.

“Please, keep your eyes open.” He instructed, moving his attention from your side to the cut on your face.

Without realizing it, he was letting his fingers caress around the wound. You gasped at the feeling, the pads of his fingers rough in texture— but he brushed over your skin with such delicacy.

“Why are you helping m-me?” You rasped out, coughing from the tightness of your lungs.

Choso let his eyes drop from your cut to your eyes, gazing into yours with confusion. Mainly because he wasn’t quite sure why he was helping you— he just knew he had to.

“I don’t know.” He answered truthfully.

You furrowed your brows, but couldn’t dwell on his words too long— not when your body seized and twitched for a moment. This particular wave of pain hitting you harder than the rest.

Choso watched you with an intensity in his eyes, and he almost grew distracted by another unfamiliar sensation in his chest. Concern? For this sorcerer?

“I don’t deserve your help… but thank you.” You whispered, body slowly relaxing after the pain subsided for now.

“You spared me. Call this me, returning the favor.” He stated.

Although, he wasn’t sure if that was the main reason why he was saving you.

You attempted to shoot him a weak smile, but when he noticed a drop of blood escaping from the corner of your lips— he couldn’t find it in himself to return the gesture.

“Well… I appreciate it.” You mumbled out.

Choso could sense you losing consciousness, and he knew he had to get you more medical attention. He wasn’t going to let you die here— not today.

As your eyes finally dropped, your body slumping with fatigue— Choso didn’t waste another second. He scooped up your fragile form, carrying you bridal style to find some help.

His steps were quick and rushed, the sight of you laying in his arms causing another sensation to bloom in his chest. You looked so peaceful. So… pretty— like an angel. He found it odd for him to think such things.

All he knew was that the next thought he had, was leaving him the most confused he’d ever been.

He never wanted to let you out of his sight again.

— ending notes. this was in my drafts for awhile, and it’s just something random i wrote. had a dream similar to this 😇☁️ also apologies for any spelling mistakes!

[babygorewhore]

You’re everything.

Eddie Munson x fem reader

Eddie Munson comes home and sees the bedroom destroyed. Your mental health has taken a toll and you feel worthless. But he’s always there to remind you how much he loves you and how he’s always willing to help you pick up the pieces.

Warnings! Hurt comfort. Mental illness. I wrote this with the reader having BPD and autism. This is based on my experience. I haven’t seen much on those two issues. Feelings of worthlessness. Mild self harm. Anger episode. Anxiety. I hope this comforts you because you’re worthy of love and Eddie would love you no matter what. Also the photo used is just for aesthetic. Not proofread.

Thank you to my friends, Dolly, Mae and Em for helping me with this. I love you girls.

Eddie pushed open the apartment door, with his hip, a few grocery bags lined down his arm because he refused to make two trips. “Hey, sweetheart, I’m back!” He shut the door with his foot, did a quick unfocused glance around the living room.

“Fuck, the store was packed! I think you would have stayed in the car, baby.” He set down the bags and started putting away the cold items. Eddie yawned afterwards, closing the refrigerator and stretched. His black, stolen back sweatshirt rising above his stomach.

It dawned on him that you haven’t responded at all. “Baby?” He called again. No answer. He frowned and approached the bedroom door and he gasped when he saw the scene.

The bed was torn apart. Blankets thrown off and the pillows dented. Eddie went to take a step before he looked on the ground. Stim toys were all over the floor. Stuffed animals and even clothes. A few shirts were ripped. He didn’t see you. “Princess, what’s going-“

A hole was in the wall next to the closet. A small one but it went deep in the plaster. Eddie moved quickly. Surveying the damage, he saw a bloody imprint. Knuckles. Eddie sighed. You were having an episode. He should have known. You didn’t answer his texts. You hated phone calls. This wasn’t the first time this happened. Eddie on a number of times had to sit by your side during dark hours.

But he loved you. You were beautiful. His everything. It wasn’t one sided. If anything, you gave too much to him. You were always supporting him. Even when he was unbearable. You stood by him. He would do whatever you needed. He needed you. He wanted you. Eddie knew immediately where you were then.

He gently opened the closet door and he saw you. You were wearing a large t shirt, it went past your thighs and loose plaid pajama pants.

Over ear headphones on, your phone face down on the floor and you were stimming. Rocking back and forth. You were panting, your face flushed and he could see your eyes squeezed shut. Eddie saw your right hand. Your knuckles were bloody and bruised.

He didn’t want to startle you so Eddie opened the door further, enough for you to hear it over music.

Eddie’s heart ached when you turned to look at him. Your eyes were blood shot. Your lips bleeding from what he knew, you bit them or picking at them. Your nails had blood underneath them from biting the nail. You were a wreck. But you were his special girl.

“Hey…” He said, swallowing. “Baby, I-what happened?”

You tried to stand but ended up sprawled on the ground. He went to help you but you jerked away, pulling yourself up.

“I’m so fucking mad right now.” You were almost yelling. But you sounded out of breath. “I-I took my meds but I’m still like this. My heart hurts, I just feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. Everything is too loud!” You weren’t crying but you were growing hysterical. You started pacing.

“Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I get so upset over the smallest things?” Eddie was standing close but he didn’t reach yet. You were tugging at your shirt. He knew you were getting hot.

“I can’t deal with this. I can’t feel this way! Im so sick of feeling like I’m useless because I can’t even talk on the phone to my boyfriend because I hate how it makes me feel! You shouldn’t have to deal with me.”

“Sweetheart, will you just come here for a second?” Eddie tried to prompt.

“No!” You stopped moving and placed your hands on your chest. “Eddie. I don’t want you to see me like this. Again. Maybe you should leave. I don’t want to keep freaking you out.”

Eddie moved then. And he gently grasped your elbows and looked down. Eye contact was difficult for you and he never wanted to force it. But he tilted your chin, happy if you just looked at his forehead. “Princess. I’m not leaving you. I would never.” He leaned forward, rubbing his nose against yours. “I’m just happy you didn’t break your hand.” He pulled away, glad you weren’t moving away. “You’re burning up. Let’s get to the couch, it’s too warm in here.”

Eddie wrapped his arm around your waist, helping you walk around the mess and he sat you down on the couch. “I’ll be right back, babe.” You grabbed his hand. “I promise.” He smiled at you. You slowly let go.

He tried not to show his panic as he looked for the first aid kit. Eddie came back to the living room, kneeling in front of you. “Let me see that hand.” He asked, pulling it towards him. It was shaking. He was careful, dabbing it with saline and you winced. “I’m sorry, baby.” Eddie went through the motions, remembering how to wrap an injured hand from his own share of punching walls.

After the bandage was around your hand, he pressed a kiss on top. He maneuvered his way up and sat beside you. Eddie held your leg that was bouncing. “Babe…I know for a while things have been really hard for you. And seeing all that today, I see you’re in a lot of pain. And I just want to help you. I love you so much. You know that right?” You covered your face with your hands.

“Eddie, you shouldn’t. I feel like I don’t have enough good days. I’m so tired of always telling you how bad my day was, or that I want to have a meltdown about fucking textures or sounds. I just wish I could be normal for you.” Eddie shook his head, taking your hands down.

“Hey. Hey. I would never trade you for anything. I would never want anyone other than you. The only thing I wish I could change, is how you feel about yourself. Baby, you are so much more than what you struggle with. You’re kind, funny, like so funny I almost snort and I can’t even breathe. You understand me, you are so caring and you let me be annoying when I smoke too much weed. I could go on for days.” You lifted your head. And looked at him. And held eye contact.

“You’re more than bad days, baby. I love you so much. And I know you were listening to our song, right? The one I told you to play when things get bad?” You nodded. Smiling a little. Eddie feigned shock.

“Is that-is that a smile? That’s my girl.” It widened and he grinned, cupping your cheeks.

“Come on. Sing one line with me. And then, I’m gonna go pick up the bedroom. I’m going to make you something to eat and then we’re going to watch your favorite movies.”

“Do I have to sing?” You complained.

“Sorry, baby. Those are the rules.” Eddie winked, still holding tight to your face.

“And I don’t want the world to see me, cuz I don’t think that they’d understand.” Eddie leaned in, pressing his lips softly to yours. Gently because of the picked apart flesh.

“I’m proud of you, sweetheart.” You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and squeezed tightly. Eddie followed suit and hugged you around the waist.

“I love you so much, Eddie.”

Eddie breathed you in. It wouldn’t fix what you felt. But you wouldn’t have to battle anything alone.

Tagging. @xxhellfirebunnyxx @reidsbtch @take-everything-you-can @emsgoodthinkin @monstxrteeth @battymunson @scene-and-dandylover @lithium80sblog @elaine-in-the-membrane

[avengersfantasies]

Strong (Bucky x Reader)

Summary: You aren't feeling good one day, and Bucky finds out what you've been keeping from him.

What to expect: mental health issues

Let me know if you want to be added to a taglist here!

Taglist: @winterslove1917 @natashasilverfox @gojoismysensei @mavrellover91

You lay in bed – having told your boyfriend that you were feeling sick and didn’t feel up to doing anything. Bucky knew you better than that though…you’d been together long enough to read each other like open books.

            “Alright, my love,” he spoke softly – rubbing your back as you pulled the blankets up to your nose.

You’d never know it, but he was growing suspicious as to the reason behind your illness. He had seen this before, so he went to look for a possible cause. You fell back asleep in the large, plush bed the two of you shared – the nausea taking over your body. You felt like you were going to throw up…like your entire being was being drowned. Your eyes felt like they wanted to close and stay closed, but you could still hear Bucky looking around the apartment. He looked everywhere for something to make you feel better after not having any luck in finding the cause. He headed for the medicine cabinet in your shared bathroom – hoping there would be something in there to help with the nausea and fatigue. When he opened it up, however, his eyes landed on the familiar orange bottles. Your medicine for your mental health sat there, and to his dismay, the bottles were nearly full. He looked at each of the bottles – calculating how long ago they were filled and how many should be in there if you had been taking them correctly.

Twenty days ago, he told himself as he took out the pills from each bottle – counting them. Theoretically, if you had been taking them correctly, you should have a total of 10 left from your 30 day supply. When he counted them, though, he sighed when he realized you had 28 left in each bottle. Thinking about what to say, Bucky slowly left the bathroom and headed back into the bedroom.

“Hey, babe?” he called out – causing you to open your eyes. You didn’t look at him – looking straight ahead at the mirror that hung above the dresser. Your lack of communication didn’t stop him though. He sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed your back. “Can we talk about this?” he asked softly – holding out the nearly-full medicine bottles for you to see. You still didn’t respond. “Please?”

            “What about them?” you finally spoke up – your voice weak and shaky.

“Baby…why haven’t you been taking them?” he asked with a voice filled with concerned. You shrugged in response. “You know you need to take them, right?”

“I shouldn’t have to,” you weakly argued. “Why should I have to take medication every day?”

“Because, baby…you need them so that you feel better.”

“But why?” you scoffed. “Why do I need medication to feel better?”

He reached for your hand and held it gently. “I know it’s not fair,” his voice was soft and caring. “But sometimes, some people need a little help…it’s not always something that can be solved by talking to someone…sometimes, it’s chemical.” The fact that you had been on medication for years was always something you viewed as wrong. When you were first put on it, your parents tried to talk you out of it…saying that you were overreacting and didn’t need medicine to help you…all you needed to do was get your shit together and work hard. Hearing that for years from them somehow affected the way you viewed yourself, and you couldn’t help but think that everyone else thought the same thing. “Baby,” Bucky continued, “taking medication doesn’t mean you're bad or subhuman.”

“You don’t have to take it for your PTSD,” you argued.

He stroked your cheek gently. “We have different brain chemical makeups…talking out my thoughts helps me more than medication…and medication seems to help you more than talking.”

“You don’t think it makes me weak?” your eyes were filling with tears as you looked up at the handsome soldier.

“I think the fight you fight every single day makes you one of the strongest people in the world.”

[alvojake]

idek what I was doin here, but enjoy this drabble that I may or may not finish... (I wrote it at like 3am with a major migraine, so I apologize if it's trash ☠️☠️) this also is probably only going to be lightly edited bc my brain hates me, and I feel like I'm about to pass out from tunnel vision

full fic here!!

paring: bf!heeseung x afab!reader genre: angst w/ fluff??? warning: cussing, mental health issues (overthinking), heeseung forgetting y'alls anniversary, lmk if I need to add anything! wc: 1.3k

The rain had started right before you walked up to their front door, drenching you from head to toe seeing as you had no way of protecting yourself. The raindrops covered the tear streaks that had stained your cheeks from the tears that had fallen moments ago. Lighting cracked in the back, muffling the sound of your sobs. 

You wanted to knock on the door, you knew that they wouldn’t care, they never did. Hell Jay would probably give you an earful, but you wished you were here on more happy terms. You wished you didn’t have to track down your boyfriend only to find him at his friend's house. He never responded to any of your texts and all of your calls would ring until eventually going to voicemail. It was tearing you apart because you didn’t know what you did wrong, why he would forget such an important day and ignore you on top of it all.

You raised your hand to knock, but there was a hesitation in your movements. You were scared, scared of the rejection, scared of the confrontation, scared to see Heeseung mad at you. There was a little voice in your head that was telling you to just forget about it and that you were sure he just hadn’t seen the date. Telling you to forgive him to keep from arguing because arguments normally led to yelling and you hated yelling.

Just as you were about to turn and walk away from the house, the door swung open. Jake was taken aback seeing you standing there, eyes wide as you looked up at him. He was just as shocked as you were, if not more, because why hadn’t you knocked yet? And why were you just standing in the rain?

“Y/n, what the hell are you doing?” He finally spoke, causing you to jump at the tone of his voice. Was he mad? Did you really do something to cause Heeseung to come running to his friends? You tried to rack your brain for anything that could have happened, but the more you dug, the more it started to hurt your head.

Before you could dwell any further, you felt your body being pulled before you could even register it. You were standing at the entrance of Jake and Jay’s house. Your body shivered at the sudden temperature change, a sneeze threatening to break through.

“Stay here. I’m going to get a towel.” Jake’s voice was softer this time, causing your brows to scrunch together.

Jake could clearly see that something was wrong. You were never this quiet, never so out of it as you were. He was shocked to see you standing on the porch, drenched in water as if you had been standing there for a while. Heeseung had said that you were going to stay home because you had a test you wanted to study for, so why were you here now? 

The questions continued to eat at his brain as he walked down the hall, stopping at the entrance of the game room, where they were all huddled.

“Hee, your girl is here,” he said, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder. The silver-haired male looked at Jake, confused. You hadn’t told him you were coming; in fact, he hadn’t heard from you all day. That’s what he thought, at least until he reached for his phone, only to realize that it wasn’t on him.

“Fuck.” He cursed under his breath as he stood from his seat, meeting Jake at the door as he was walking back with a towel which only confused the male further. Jake rolled his eyes before shoving the towel into Heeseung’s chest, annoyance pooling in his eyes.

“She’s drenched, and I'm pretty sure she’s been standing out in the rain.” Jake’s words sent a wave of panic through Heeseung’s body. Why the hell would you just stand in the rain? Or even forget your umbrella?

Grabbing the towel, he walked past Jake towards the front door. As soon as he laid his eyes on you, he knew something was wrong. He, however, pushed that to the side as he wrapped the towel around your body, pulling you close.

“Why the hell were you just standing out there?” Your heart skipped as his voice engulfed you, and your eyes trailed up to meet his.

Heeseung could tell that you had been crying. Your eyes were bloodshot, making the color of your iris stand out. Concern and worry etched themselves into his skin, and his hand came up to cup your face in his palms.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” His voice was softer this time, causing more tears to pull in your eyes, and your bottom lip started to tremble once more.

Heeseung could feel his heart breaking, he hated seeing you like this, wanting nothing more than to make you feel better. He needed to know the source first, though. Needed to know who had hurt his precious baby.

“You’ve been ignoring me.” The way your voice came out so broken and hoarse was enough to completely shatter Heeseung’s heart.

“No, no, baby, I left my phone in the car by accident. I wasn’t ignoring you, I swear.” His reassurance mended your heart a little bit.

Key word: little bit

That still left the underlying issue that he had forgotten about your anniversary. You didn’t wanna speak it into existence in case it started an argument. That was the last thing you wanted right now. Heeseung could tell that there was more than what you were letting on; leaning forward, he pressed a kiss to your forehead, noticing how cold your body was. “Fuck baby, you’re freezing. Come on, I’m sure Jay or Jake have some-”

“It’s our anniversary, Heeseung.” The words tumbled from your lips before you could even stop them. Your hand immediately came up to cover your mouth, and your wide doe eyes looked up at him. Confusion pooled in his eyes; he was sure that it was next week. 

“It’s not until next week, though, beautiful.” He sounded so sure of himself that his eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

Your breath hitched in your throat, words failing to be spoken, but your eyes did all the talking for you. Heeseung cursed under his breath before pressing a soft kiss on your forehead once more, then making a beeline for the game room. Not even a few seconds later, he was making his way back to you, his jacket in his hand.

You stood still as he pulled the towel off of your body before draping his oversized jacket over your shoulder. His scent instantly fills your senses and brings you some kind of comfort. You weren’t angry; you weren’t even angry, to begin with. No, you were scared. Scared that he knew but just didn’t care. Scared that he had finally grown tired of you. Scared that-

Your thoughts were cut short when Heeseung cupped your face bringing his lips to yours. It was soft, almost a ghost of a kiss, but enough to fill your frigid body with warmth.

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop. Nothing that your brain is telling you is true, baby.” His voice was low enough for only you to hear, and tears brimmed in your eyes once more, your bottom lip pulled between your teeth.

Heeseung knew how easy it was for you to get into your head and start overthinking things. He knew that if he let you continue that you would only start to pick yourself apart, and he’d be damned if he was going to let that happen because of his mistakes.

“Jake, I’m taking your umbrella.” He called down the hall, not even giving the younger boy a chance to protest as he opened the door and ushered him out.

@alvojake | Do not steal, plagiarise, translate, or repost any of my work

𝖉𝖎𝖘𝖈𝖑𝖆𝖎𝖒𝖊𝖗 : ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ɴᴏ ᴡᴀʏ ᴀ ᴛʀᴜᴇ ʀᴇᴘʀᴇꜱᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏꜰ ᴀɴʏ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀꜱ. ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ᴘᴜʀᴇʟʏ ꜰɪᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ᴀɴᴅ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ɴᴏᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴛᴀᴋᴇɴ ꜱᴇʀɪᴏᴜꜱʟʏ.

[sasayego]

lazy sundays

prompt — your fiancé, dick grayson, is the love of your life. was. you think he’s dead, but in reality, he’s out there as a spyral agent. meanwhile, you start appreciating the little things more.

tags — reader got out of an ED, mental health issues. angst and comfort, dick grayson x fem!reader. sfw

jason todd was the one who was attracted to you first. he saw you at a wayne gala and thought you were the love of his life. he asked you out, and you immediately said yes, intimidated by the fact that a wayne was the one who noticed you.

dick didn’t even notice you, which you didn’t mind too much. jason was all that you needed. he was kind and funny but he had this really annoying behavior where he would scream at you in fights. like, scream. one night, things got heated and he left into the night, leaving you behind to go outside, no doubt to clear his mind.

you decided to take care of yourself and make it up to him, so, you had finished his laundry. when putting his clothes away, you noticed a very red helmet with another suit with keys in them. you would’ve thought that it was a cute cosplay prop if the keys didn’t open up a drawer with all sorts of guns in the bottom drawer.

you would’ve freaked out if the radio next to his guns didn’t just go static with —“fuck—nightwing here—wounded on fifth—.” and your blood went cold. jason todd? knew who nightwing was?

you didn’t even think about it, think if it was a trap. you took the radio and drove where nightwing said he was injured. nobody responded and you were praying that he was alive.

and that was when dick grayson, really, really saw you. saw your perseverance, your stubborn nature and how you always looked to the brighter sides of things even when he was stabbed in several places with a split rib and a gash to his head.

you were not a doctor, god no, you were in the beginning of your master’s degree, but with strength that rivaled a mother whose child was underneath a car, you managed to pick him up and put him in your car.

“so jason told you who I am? the little shit. he was supposed to talk to bruce before he revealed our identities. that’s what I get for having a love struck brother, huh?”

you stopped halfway and then looked at him in shock, your mouth open in a slight ‘o’. and he realized that you didn’t know, that your boyfriend of seven months was hiding things from you.

“just take me to bruce’s. say you know, and say I need help.” you let out a groan at it and press on the gas.

jason wasn’t to be found for the next few days. dick was though.

when he recovered and appeared at your doorstep with flowers and a sheepish smile, a cast and a boyish smile that felt like infidelity, your face flushed and you took them happily.

“thanks for saving me,” he said, and leaned against the doorway. unlike jason, his mannerisms and way of acting came easy, smoother, a better flow. and you fell so bad just thinking that. “may I come in?”

and against your better judgment, you stepped side. “mi casa es tu casa.”

his eyes twinkled at that. “tu casa es muy hermosa,” he said. “como el tuyo.”

“you know spanish?”

“I know mandarin, spanish, french, romansh, german, portuguese, hindi, japanese, and arabic. well, learning. dami’s teaching me that one.”

your jaw drops. “I just know english, my mother tongue, and high school spanish.”

“still better than 90% of america.”

that was how it started—he met you every so often, taking coffee out, mini golfing, kayaking, while jason grew ever so distant in the corner. you couldn’t blame jason for it, either. it wasn’t like you were making much of an effort to revive the relationship.

but everything changed that one night when jason asked you to go to a wayne gala with him. out of all his siblings, he had chosen the short straw this time. you said no—you didn’t want to go to another one of them and get hounded by paparazzi at this point.

and jason was fine with that. it wasn’t like he particularly liked going to galas anyways, so he understood your denial. until an hour later when on instagram in one of the more popular news sites, a viral photo of you and dick hugging in the rain together and staring at each other after getting a hole in one in a really hard mini golfing course started circling around.

“what the fuck is wrong with you? are you fucking him? don’t even answer that, I can tell. and even if you aren’t, I know you want to.”

“no, jason, what the fuck is wrong with you? I haven’t done anything with dick, nor do I want to. we’re friends.”

“you don’t underhand, y/n. I’m gonna be the guy that the papers make fun of once you leave me for him. so I’ll do what you don’t have the guts to. we’re done.”

your world didn’t shatter because of that, surprisingly. he moved out of your apartment. you watched gilmore girls reruns. you ate a lot of food. some cried tears, but nothing much. until one day, dick appeared at your door out of the blue.

"dick?" you raised an eyebrow, looking at him with an unsure look in your eye. "what are you doing here?" you were wearing your sweats with a dumbed down look in your eye that clearly stated you didn't know what the hell was happening.

"i'm in love with you. i'm sorry—but i can't stop thinking about you. your laugh is infectious and when you smile it's like a cloudy sky just turns back to sunshine—"

you stepped forward and kissed him. you thought the tabloids were full of shit, but you knew that they were right about this one thing.

after two years of dating, he had done a vigilante trip to india to track down some passages. while he was there, he went and bought a shiny ring. you'd marry him with paper rings. he planned a view of a skyline and it went perfectly, thank god.

but he died. he died and now you're sitting here in the apartment, staring at a photo of the two of you. you miss everything about him. the way he'd subtly add more food to your plate when you were having your ED. when he held you throughout the night after a panic attack even though he had patrol that day. when. he defended you from the paparazzi, when he screamed at jason right back when jason found out that you and dick were dating.

don't tell me you're staring at that damned photo. - tim

you look at your phone and sigh before closing down your phone. tim wouldn't understand. he wouldn't get it. how could he? it wasn't like he lost the love of his life. he was a robin. he knew loss. you didn't. he also lost his brother, you remind yourself, and that just makes it all worse.

you grab the photo and curl up in a ball in fetal position. you miss lazy sunday afternoons when you've eaten too much and that food is resting in your stomach. your head would be in your fiancé's lap and his hands would be in your hair and the minute he would move his hands from your hair or your back, you'd wake up, your body discomforted by the lack of touch. that's my superpower, you'd joke.

no, he'd respond. your superpower is being the most amazing and talented woman i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. i would do anything for you. your beauty rivals the stars in the night sky. i love you like how the moon loves the earth.

at the single thought of it, you curl up and sob, the tears racking down as you clench the photos to your heart. five months and thirteen days and you are not a single second away from properly healing. you'll never love again. you know that for a fact.

it's ten in the night when you wake up, and the couch is stained with tears. haley is right beside you, looking sad and sullen. she misses her best friend too, but she always hates it when her other best friend is crying.

"i haven't fed you? fuck," you swear before standing up. everything hurts. your heart feels too heavy. there's cuts on your wrists. you stare at them, the red from the blood dried up.

he also stares at them too. he vows that he's coming back no matter what.

[copperbadge]

More on mindfulness and meditation

I feel like perhaps I came across as anti-meditation in that last post I did on it, and there were some folks who were a bit vocal about not liking meditation in the notes, but the notes also had some great and interesting discussion of what can count as mindfulness that isn't traditional meditation and what some alternatives might be, so I wanted to do a follow-up. Especially since I don't think I'm going to get to respond to everyone individually.

The post was not meant to be anti-meditation, but to express frustration with the way meditation frequently is, or rather fails to be, taught. I can understand why people would struggle with "mindfulness" (vastly overused term) and meditation, so I'm not here to argue with or shame anyone, and I really appreciate the alternative suggestions. But because mindfulness can mean so many things, and people can meditate for many different reasons, I wanted to talk a little about why I'm being asked to do it.

It's easy to lose track of why one might try meditation for mental health, because the cause and effect are so temporally dislocated from each other. I try to keep in mind that my specific goal is emotional regulation deriving from increased present-moment attention. Some of the stuff that was suggested is great for a goal other than this, like puzzle games that allow people to empty their racing minds or activity that brings someone back into their body when dissociating -- both extremely laudable functions! -- but that's not why I'm here. Meditation is meant, for me, to be a maintenance medication, not a rescue inhaler.

There is science that suggest that mindfulness practice, under a specific definition of the term, can help to manage emotional dysregulation, ameliorate Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and reduce depression and anxiety. I discuss the science in a slideshow here but essentially this specific form trains the attention into the present moment, which improves executive function -- and as we know, emotional regulation is a facet of executive function, so this leads to better emotional regulation.

There is not a lot of science on it yet so there is room here for yoursamplesizeissmall.jpg, but it's all we've got so I'm running with it. There is one foundational practice and three practices that build on it which effected this change in subjects of the study:

Breathing Meditation doesn't really confer any benefit the others don't, but the others all employ it as a basic practice. We know this can calm the parasympathetic nervous system, although to be honest I have not found that to be the case personally. As soon as I stop the deep breathing I'm right back where I was, likely because my issue is ruminational, not situational. But everything else wants you to breathe first, so I still have to do it.

Body Scan focuses attention on the body and as others have pointed out is good for people prone to dissociation. As I said in the other post, I live here; paying extra attention to my body isn't something I need. I was asked to try it anyway as part of a practice in keeping an open mind about stuff I think is dumb, and clearly I do need practice in that. Still, it's likely I'll be able to let this one go pretty soon.

Loving-Kindness asks you to think positively about others, expanding compassion from a single point outward to the world. I've encountered this before in reading Pema Chodron; I don't do it as meditation, but I do try to practice it in life because I am not naturally a patient or compassionate person, and that has been helpful in the sense that it keeps me from getting punched in the face a bunch. For me there's no real "train the attention to be in the present" aspect on account of that, however.

Observing-Thought is where you just sit with your thoughts, let them arise, sometimes label them in some way, and let them go. I was most interested in this purely because it's the only one I hadn't already encountered. I haven't found it useful so far, but I don't have enough data about it to be definitive, and if it is training executive function I would expect that to take time.

Now, I know that all four of these have science backing them, so I know that we're not just dealing in new-age woo here. The problem is functional, not theoretical. The issue overall is not "meditation is boring" -> "find a way to make it interesting", although I do appreciate that it may be an issue for others and I like that people were offering solutions. The issue for me is that the boredom derives from the fact that the meditation isn't being taught. There's no progressional learning -- there's no step-progress-reward-step-progress-reward like with most difficult skills.

Any task is boring if you aren't deriving any reward from it or you are being expected to execute it without skills or training, and in this case I'm facing down both. Long silences from a meditation leader are fine if you're there to engage with a practice you already have familiarity with, but if you're trying to learn, they are the opposite of helpful, and they are actively punishing to someone with ADHD.

I don't want to be entertained (I mean, generally I do, but in this case I don't expect it). What I want is a pedagogical approach that steps up to the practice rather than beginning with it, so that I know I'm doing it right, I experience rewards along the way similar to how I currently do learning Italian, and I have more confidence that what seems dull and fruitless actually will produce results.

Uh, so yeah thanks for coming to my TEDtalk; the fact that a practice that's especially hard for people with ADHD helps with almost every problem ADHD presents really sucks, and I wish we approached teaching meditation as if it were something you actually did have to learn rather than something you're supposed to Do Until You Get It. In the meantime I guess bumping the speed on the recording isn't the worst thing I could be doing.