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lover-of-mine · 8 months

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I'm gonna start this off by saying that this has been ping-ponging around my head like that old dvd screensaver, quicking around and getting more unhinged every time it hit a corner since April. And while this is a meta on the cemetery scene in Death and Taxes, I will be going back and forth in the whole show, so I don't know, buckle up, grab your delusional juice, and come with me if you feel like it.

First thing about that scene is that it tries to make you think about the equine therapy conversation in Dumb Luck.

They are in a location we have never seen before and probably will never see again, the outfits are similar, and even the circumstances of the conversation could be read as close to each other, considering Eddie wasn't doing well after almost dying, Buck is definitely not handling his death well. I made a way too detailed meta about the cinematography of buddie during Eddie's breakdown era (you can read it if you want more details) but the main thing about the dumb luck conversation is that Eddie is finally letting Buck in after continuously shutting him down when he tried to offer help and that's reflected on the way they filmed the scene, the way they are talking, moving, positioned in the frame. It's about Buck reminding Eddie that there's hope after all. Considering the moment Buck's in, with them alluding to that conversation, you would've expected for them to do a similar thing with Buck, right? That this scene going to give Buck the same type of peace the equine therapy talk gave Eddie.

But it doesn't. One thing that's kind of a pattern with Buck, Eddie, and Eddie reassuring Buck (if you could call 2 scenes a pattern) is that they have Buck looking up at Eddie (I also talked about this in more detail here if you're interested) but that's interesting because of Buck's height, he's the tallest person in the room, so he's not usually looking up at people, but something about Buck as character is that he has the tendency to sit in higher places, so he's always higher, and he even picked a place where he can sleep in a high spot.

But when he's getting reassurance from other people in his life, they are both usually sitting down, at the same eye level.

But when he goes to Eddie for reassurance, Eddie is standing up and Buck is sitting down, so Buck is literally looking up at Eddie when he goes to Eddie for advice. And Eddie is always focused on Buck, in Home and Away, Eddie is reasoning with him, and in Recovery Eddie is trying to give Buck what Buck is asking while not pushing his boundaries.

Why is that relevant here? Well, Buck spends the whole conversation in the cemetery trying to get Eddie to look at him and Eddie spends most of the conversation looking forward so he won't have to.

And that alone is very interesting because Eddie is always looking at Buck. I could legit put 100 screenshots here to prove it. So the fact that Eddie can't look at Buck here, means something. Because Buck wants Eddie to be on his side, he needs Eddie to tell him he's doing the right thing, but the way he's talking is making Eddie shut down.

Buck wants answers, right? He wants the easy way out. He died, he has feelings about it he doesn't want to deal with, so he's looking for whatever answers he can get so he won't have to. But the way he's talking sounds a lot like the way Eddie talks to him in Kids Today when he drops Christopher off with him before the tsunami. Very you're alive, get over it thing Eddie had going that ended with him literally destroying everything he had. So, like, we know that's not the way to go about near-death experiences, it doesn't end well because the pressure has to go somewhere and let's face it, Buck has never dealt with anything that happened to him ever. He can't just keep moving past the shit he's been through, at some point, that's gonna catch up to him.

But the thing about the actual content of the conversation is the way that Eddie tries to do the thing he usually does, reason with Buck, "been down that road, don't recommend it" or "or you don't know her the way he does" or "now am I allowed to ask how you are", because it's how they work, but Buck shuts him down with the "I feel like she sees me, like she really sees me for who I am" because that threw Eddie off balance in their relationship, in their friendship really, considering they way they showed us buddie from in a flash to mixed feelings, Eddie is trying his best to be someone Buck relies on, the way we've seen him rely on Buck through his trauma recovery. And one thing we see Eddie constantly do is back away so he won't get hurt once things get too intense. He puts space between him and whatever is bothering him, he ran to LA to escape his parents' judgment (and to be closer to Shannon but his parents played a part there), he kept Shannon at arm's length through most of the time she was back in his life before she died, he kept pushing Buck away after the lawsuit, he pushes everyone away really before his PTSD took him down. Dude retreats from the fight if he's not sure and Buck throws him off balance. Because up until this moment, Eddie thinks he's helping, but we see him realize he was wrong and shut down in real time.

He's still trying, but his thing now is agreeing with Buck. This gif has 11 seconds, black and white because I wanted the whole thing in one gif, but Buck is trying to get a reaction out of him, but Eddie already moved to a whatever you say buddy mode. AND EDDIE JUST WON'T LOOK AT BUCK.

So Buck wants to know if he's doing the right thing, Eddie is agreeing with him not because he agrees with him but because now he thinks that whatever he's doing is not helping so putting distance between them will be what's best because Buck is getting what he needs somewhere else so he needs to minimize the damage to himself.

And the distance thing is something that stays until the end of the season, because during the first half of 6B, they are together the whole time, mixed feelings being obviously the biggest example, but they made a point of highlighting the fact that they were very close outside the firehouse, just to stop. They were chilling at Buck's loft, they were out and about scheming the fire captain, Buck looked more comfortable at Eddie's than he did in his own place. But then we don't even see them together in the hospital after the bridge. Like, there's s p a c e now.

And I spent a really long time trying to figure out what was going on with this scene that made such an impression on me, and it's that Buck doesn't sound like someone who believes in what they're saying, he sounds like someone who's justifying themselves and hoping they are doing the right thing. And Eddie doesn't really let him get away with this line of thought, not usually, but he does now, so they leave that conversation with different impressions of how it went. Buck thinks he's right and Eddie is just backing the fuck off.

And a while back it downed on me what other scene this made me think of. And that's the fountain scene in merry ex-mas.

They are even shot in a similar way, the off-center wide angle, the close-up from a side angle where you can see the other one slightly blurry, the focus of the conversation angled toward the front of the frame, everything happening in an outside location we will never probably see again, the way they are not looking at each other. And the conversation is similar too, I mean, sure they are not talking about dying but it is a big decision in Eddie's life that sounds like Eddie is justifying himself and needs Buck to agree with him. And Buck is agreeing with him, and not talking about it even though we KNOW he has opinions because he kept trying to talk about it with Chimney because Buck doesn't think it's his place to have an opinion and offer it to Eddie. Both scenes sound like they are talking and understanding each other but what the scene is showing us is that they are not.

And something about the way they are pretty much never looking at each other is that it is a way to show they are not seeing eye to eye in a situation, the most extreme example I can think of it is when Eddie drags Buck out of bed in Kids Today because they are pretty much never looking at each other there.

But to have them face the same direction is a really easy way to make you feel like something is wrong, especially if they are not moving, because if they are standing in the same spot for 3 minutes they could've turned to face each other, but they don't, because the message here is that they are not really seeing each other. And that in a conversation where Buck is talking about being seen by someone else????? Like, come on, that's so on purpose.

I also wanna add a take that's not mine, all credit to @anxieteandbiscuits for putting this particular thought in my head with this post, that's basically about how the "dating someone you rescued? that never ends well" line might also be another justification for why Eddie chooses to stay quiet. Because one thing is true, and that is that buddie do be rescuing each other. And it really sounds like something Eddie would do, to justify to himself not doing something that could make him lose Buck any way he could, because romantic relationships are very unstable, no matter how much you want it to work, how much you love each other, there's a very real level of unpredictability in a romantic relationship that doesn't exist in their friendship. So to imagine him going "the friendship is good, the friendship is what I need, I won't do anything to change that because I don't have to and it probably wouldn't end well with our track record anyway" makes a lot of sense too.

If you made it to here, I love you <3

I have more metas here if you feel like reading more of my brand of insanity.

#this is long #i went off wow sokaoskaoksaoks #anyway #911 #911 meta #thoughts thoughts thoughts #lets pray this makes me stop thinking about the cemetery scene #it wont but a girl can dream lol #at this point i should have a cemetery tag lol #buddie thoughts

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acotar-taylorsversion · 1 month

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More Recent Thoughts and What Not

So, I've been thinking about Lucien a lot lately. I don't hate him, so don't come at me, but sometimes I just feel that there were a couple of reasons why Sarah made him Elain's mate. I'm an Elriel girly for life and nothing and no one but Sarah saying otherwise will convince me that they aren't endgame. That being said, I think that Sarah made him Elain's mate as 1) Elain and Az's "obstacle" and 2) a way for him to stay relevant so she could use him in the overall plot. I mean, think about it. Feysand and Nessian both had these "obstacles" that kept them from getting together right away and Elain's bond with Lucien is a big reason why Az hasn't pursued her or thought more about a future with Elain. Why would he get his hopes up if he doesn't know how Elain truly feels about Lucien? He said himself in the bonus chapter. Elain was more than willing to kiss and perhaps go further and Az said that they had never gone that far. AND HE NEVER ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT THEIR ALMOST KISS WAS A MISTAKE! HE FORCED HIMSELF TO SAY THAT BECAUSE RHYS WAS THERE AND WAS DEMANDING AZ TO STOP! Anyways, but yeah. And I know that Sarah orginally planned for Lucien and Nesta to get together but instead made Nesta end up with Cassian because of how perfect they were when she first wrote them in a scene together. But she needed a way for Lucien to be relevant to the plot, because let's be honest, I saw no place for Lucien after Feyre chose to stay in the night court. I actually forgot all about him until he showed and tried to take Feyre away. I think she always intended for Lucien to be involved with Vassa, but how would he have known about her if he didn't leave the Spring Court with Feyre because of Elain. Elain was the only reason he left with Feyre. Elain was the only reason Lucien didn't blow Feyre's cover the entire time she was back and I don't think that he would have been as close to her as he was if it weren't for the promise of offically meeting Elain. Even being Helion's son hasn't really done anything for the plot, yet. Do you guys see where I'm going with this? I don't know. LOL. The Eluciens might think I'm crazy!

And I want to say that Elain does not owe Lucien anything. Her silence is an answer in itself. I mean, she was about to kiss Az and do God knows what else with him in foyer of the river house while Lucien slept upstairs. She just doesn't care or doesn't care enough to consider him in moments like that. Clearly, time away from him does not affect her and he seems to be just fine away from her as well. Yes, he's being respectful by not pressuring her, but he can also take a hint. I don't think she'd be offended if he never got her a gift again until they both make the decision to accept the bond. And I don't see that happening. I just don't.

It's also suspicious how their bond was instantly recognized. Like feysand and nessian's bond took time to snap but Lucien instantly knew? And why can Az smell it and no one else can? Amren smelled feysand's but she's different and no body else could smell it until they accepted it. Elain and Lucien have not accepted it so what's going on there? Eluciens and gwynriels can call us crazy all they want to but we have legit questions. I still stand by my opinion about how Az acts more like Elain's mate than Lucien does.

Also, can I just say how much I hate all the hate the inner circle is getting on tik tok? Like, I'm sorry. I know we are all entitled to our own opinions but if you hate Feyre and Rhys so much that you create a 10 page slide show about how much they need to die and how horrible they are, then you don't deserve the series anymore. Why are you still reading it? Sarah has stated that Rhys is her favorite and feysand will always be the center of everything so they aren't going anywhere.

Same goes for all the Nesta and Cassian hate. Like wtf? NO. I will absolutely not put up with hate for either one of them for any reason. They are my favorite couple, like more than elriel and that's saying something. I waited years for their book and I am absolutely disgusted that people want her to break her bond and get with ERIS?! That is an insult to Cassian.

Let's see. What else? During my reread of Silver Flames, I realized that all the signs of Gwyn being a lightsinger or having some type of power are there from the moment we meet her. Both Nesta and Az and his shadows all react to her powers, which involve singing and music in some way. I noticed that she is always singing, too. I get the feeling that most of Gwyn's arc was not only proving to herself, but to everyone around her, that she's strong and capable. I think Az triggered something in her and she wanted to prove to him that she's not that girl that he saved anymore. You know? Also, when Nesta described her smile, it was said "Nesta couldn't explain the way she sensed that there was something else mixed into her. Some secret beneath that pretty face." This reminded me of the infamous quote of Az thinking of Gwyn's smile "a thing of secret, lovely beauty." Why are they associating secrets with Gwyn? I have so many questions and I need Sarah to explain ASAP. Like legit questions, someone explain it to me.

What do you guys think?

Now, I know that some gwynriels and eluciens might see this, and that's ok! I am open to discussions as long as they are civil, in the comment section or a message or an ask.

#acotar #elain archeron #elriel #pro elriel #azriel shadowsinger #nessian #lucien vanserra #gwyneth berdara #anti el*cien #feysand

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woso-dreamzzz · 2 months

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i feel like alba taking bambi is a bit extreme. hear me out! like yes ofc caring for one kid more than the other is bad!! but with the whole ale forgetting bambi at daycare it’s like what parent hasn’t forgot to pick up their kid once. like does that make sense like i feel like especially because it happend only once and she was at her job when she forgot that shouldn’t warrant alba legit taking her daughter away from her? like it just wasnt THAT big of a deal like ofc it’s not good but i think alba is reacting a bit over the top about it. idk maybe my perspective is different, but what do you think? id love to hear your opinion as the writer

I don't think you guys understand just how much I love answering these kinds of asks. Also, sorry in advance because this is going to be a lot of psych ramble but genuinely parent-child relationships and their impacts are actually so fascinating to me

So, the whole Alexia forgetting Bambi thing would be a big escalation if that was the only reason Alba had for removing Bambi from her home. It looks like the only reason but there were a lot of other things that Alba would have noticed when she got Bambi from nursery.

So, first of all, what Alexia's been doing is emotional neglect. Compared to other forms of neglect, emotional neglect is one of the harder ones to recognise because it's not as obvious as something like physical neglect.

The signs are very subtle and it's difficult to notice if you're not a child's primary caregiver.

From Bambi's perspective, she's been shoved to the side a bit since Jaume was born. She was never really close to Olga so she can cope with that in a sense (not that she should have to) but Alexia's disregard for her definitely hits hard.

It's a lot of little things built up onto each other. In Injured IV, when Alexia comes home she immediately greets Olga and Jaume but doesn't even spare Bambi a look. Bambi stays under that coffee table for quite a while in the hope that Alexia will notice she's not there and look for her but she never does.

She also mentions when Jaume isn't 'being good' then she doesn't get things like a bedtime story or cuddles at bed which is essentially her equating Jaume crying with the fact that Alexia yet again forgetting about her and that his needs trump her own.

There's also the fact that all of Bambi's individual pictures have been changed to ones of her and Jaume which leads to her thinking that she's only worth anything if her brother is attached to it. Similarly, all of the pictures she drew have been taken off the fridge in favour of a photo of Olga, Alexia and Jaume. Even when she lets Alba put her drawing up in Injured IV, she places it on the side of the fridge where it won't be seen as clearly.

Bambi also learnt how to cry quietly. When Kids are younger they can't communicate their feelings properly and crying loudly gets the attention of a caregiver so they can receive comfort. Bambi's learnt to cry quietly because she knows that no one will come to give her comfort if Jaume is also crying even though there are two adults in the house, one for each of them.

Emotional neglect really builds on a child as young as Bambi and causes effects like low self-esteem, depression and anxiety and in more extreme cases failure to thrive and Bambi, sadly, is on track for all of them.

Now, that's all from Bambi's perspective and, of course, Alba can't know all of that because she's not Bambi's primary caregiver.

She can only go off on what she can see. What she knows for sure, at first, is that Alexia and Olga have both forgotten Bambi.

That isn't what makes her take Bambi though.

She gets a notification from the Barca account saying that they're meeting their youngest teammate and it's got a picture of Alexia, Olga and Jaume so it's not like both of them were super busy and that's why they forgot Bambi.

There's also the change in routine that Bambi mentions. She used to get a new train every week and when Alba mentions that, she finds out that Bambi hasn't received a new train in weeks (more like months) which is a massive deviation from an established routine.

There's also the celebration they watch on tv with Alexia winning the Copa de la Reina and all those pictures of her with Jaume and the cup and there's no hint at all that she realises Bambi isn't there with her.

There's obviously Bambi's reaction to that too and her tearing up the picture because she doesn't think it's real (bearing in mind that it's a picture of her, Alexia, Olga and Jaume as a family).

It's clear to Alba that something is going on and Bambi isn't doing well because she's been in such a sad mood since she picked her up and then Bambi hides herself away in her room and Alba can't get the door open.

It's a pretty big emotional outburst from Bambi and quite out of character to how she had been previously.

Honestly, everything is out of character from what Alba previously knows - both Alexia and Bambi and it's enough for her to think that perhaps the two need to be separated.

The anger from Injured IV comes in because it's been hours since the final ended and Bambi hid herself away compared to when Alexia, Olga and Jaume come home.

Throughout that entire time, Bambi wasn't even a thought. Alexia didn't even realise Bambi had been left at nursery until she got home which is hours after Alba had to cancel her own plans to get Bambi.

The anger probably escalated the situation a bit more than it needed to but Alba had hours to stew and piece everything together so Bambi's removal from Alexia was warranted once she'd put it all together.

That's all from Inured IV, not onto Injured V:

So childhood emotional neglect is especially impactful the younger a child is. Bambi is around 4 and she's at that age where she's beginning to understand her own and others emotions. Having a stable caregiver to help her work through this is crucial and she doesn't have that so there's a big chance that she'll be developmentally delayed because of it.

This, of course, could lead to big impacts down the road when she goes to school and makes friends and even when she gets older and develops adult relationships.

She's already got low self-worth and is trying to be too independent at too young an age because to her, nobody wants to pay attention to her.

In Injured V, she actually flinches away from Alexia when she tries to grab her because she's now used to being ignored by her mother and having Alexia suddenly wanting her is overwhelming and strange.

It's seen in Injured V how different Bambi is in Alexia's home vs Alba's home when she's genuinely excited to show Alba the picture she made because she's still in her developmental stage and is still able to adapt and come back from this - at least in a way that will have minimal impact on her emotional development and regulation.

Of course, we also find out that Bambi at least suspects that she wasn't as planned as previously thought. She knows Jaume was definitely planned but she's slowly finding out that she wasn't so that's another hit to her confidence. She equates how Jaume is being treated to him being wanted and how she's being treated to her not being wanted.

When Eli comes and all of this comes out, it's clear that this is deep rooted stuff.

As I said previously, emotional neglect is one of the forms of neglects that's hardest to notice. Alba has no way of knowing just how long this has been going on for and just how close this is to having extremely detrimental effects to Bambi's emotional development.

The low self-esteem is already there. She's nervous at the thought of seeing Alexia, Olga and Jaume so there's some anxiety setting in too. For all Alba knows, the depression could be next and if she had left Bambi there, the potential of failure to thrive is quite high too.

So, honestly, Alba removing Bambi was probably the best way to do it. With Bambi with Alba, she would know how she was doing and even if she had left Bambi there and explained what was happening to Alexia, there was always a chance that it could regress back to the neglect again even if Alexia promised to work on it.

Honestly, the standard practice for suspected emotional neglect should be to report it to child services so Alba is actually doing Alexia a favour by not getting them involved.

But, yeah, this is really long but those are essentially the thought processes of everyone 🤷‍♀️

#asks #Bambi

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luxthestrange · 9 months

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Incorrect quotes#854 Reunited...

He gasps as if seeing a ghost... and drops what he was holding with a clatter, You stand some twenty paces ahead of him, blocking the path, And lets out an audible shudder upon seeing him...The One You fell in love even with the not-so-good moments before...your "death"

Mc*Rattled but holding your chin up*I know what you're going to say, How could I have done this? Stayed away all of this time, And why didn't I come back to you? To our home...

Your Demon steps towards You, wide-eyed and speechless, Cerberus emerges from the recesses behind You, growling protectively

Mc: Well, what sign did I have that you could change!? That anyone on In the House of Lamentation could?

Mc: I pleaded so many times to stop the fighting between you all, to find another answer, but did any of you listen?

Luke: This is why I will never marry!*Pouting, seeing you flustered and angry at the demon brother* This and one other reason...*You and Barbatos don't want him to grow up*

He continues to close the gap, mesmerized. With every step, You become increasingly flustered, And you back into the wall, with nowhere to go, and He is just a few paces away

Mc*Tearful but still hissing at him* I know that I left you alone... but I thought you be better off without me, And I was wrong, I see that now, but...

He gently reaches a hand toward your face

Mc: Oh stop being so stoic, You!?- Go on... SHOUT, SCREAM, SAY SOMETHING!

Him: You're as beautiful as the day I lost you...

His words snuff your retort, rendering you speechless, and you soften despite, yielding your cheek to his palm. He caresses your skin as a reluctant tear runs through his fingers.

He pulls you into you, You resist briefly, then gives in. Cerberus softly pleased to see you happy once again...

THIS WAS INSPIRED BY @obey-me-disaster ME DOING THIS IS LEGIT ME-

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ma3mae · 1 year

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Hi, can I request? I'm actually doing an exam and yeah it almost finished but I didn't finished 100%. Can you do a scenario where the reader is overthinking about the exam that she submitted. When I didn't finished I was like overthinking that I'm useless, failed, worthless, etc. ( i did that because I thought I can upgrade this semester but turns out I'm failed.) Thankyou so much of you can write this thing for me! (Also can I get a cuddle from Chuuya 🥺🥺🥺)

"Exams are a hassle"

Summary: Exams have been stressing you out for weeks now so how does your boyfriend comfort you? (Chuuya x Reader)

Genre: plenty of fluff but also a bit depressing ^ anon request tells u why

Warnings: a bit of self loathing and sleep deprivation bc exams are the best booster for self confidence I FEEL U ANON

A/N: thank you for your request!! I hope this will somehow be able to lift you up 😩✋ you can do it, anon!! Soon you'll be done and then u can relax and enter bsd brainrot again. Also didnt proofread this bc im writing this in a car so the nausea is lowkey kicking in 😩😩 hope this doesnt seem rushed omggg

Part 2 : In sickness and health

Nakahara Chuuya

our cheeto boy finally coming home after a normal day work

Like comepletely annihilating a mini terrorist organisation LMAO 🤡

he comes home to find yourself on the same spot and legit same position on the couch he has last seen you like FKING 12 HOURS AGO???

is instantly baffled and worried because??

"Are you seriously STILL preparing for your exam?? Don't you need a break??"

he immediately shuts himself up tho as he just sees the dark bags under your eyes and the red eyes and oh no :((

a sniffle follows as you bury ur face into your hands and this BOY IS JUMPING across the room to get to you

Jk but hes instantly by your side and cradling you in his arms

h-his light? the love of his life??? HATING HERSELF???? BC OF AN EXAM?????

u know what that means 🚓🚓🚓🚓🚓🚓

Jk no jail

Hes gonna come at you WITH FACTS THO 😤✋

********

Exhaustion was weighting onto you like nothing else. Your eyes were hurting at this point from having to look at the same screen for weeks now, only taking breaks to go to the toilet or either drown yourself in energy drink or coffee.

Your boyfriend would often be absent because of his work and he'd support you as always. You saw the worry in his eyes and he would ask if you'd like his help or if there's anything he could do for you.

But you kept refusing him since he had already enough on his shoulders in your eyes. He was probably even more tired than you yet still managed to shine so brightly whenever he'd look at you with so much adoration in his eyes for you, no matter how horrible his day went.

Slowly but surely felt something bubbling up inside you.

"No... I can't deal with this right now." you tried to convince yourself as you swallowed the lump inside your throat.

You looked at the time on the screen of your PC, trying to see through the blur infront of your eyes.

3:47am

Fuck, you were tired. You just wanted to quit everything, cry yourself to sleep and finally be at peace but no. This shitty exam just had to be one of the most important events in your life and you really couldn't fuck this one up.

As you buried your face in your hands, you could faintly hear keys rustling outside the door.

No! I can't let him see me like this!

Yet your tears just wouldn't stop and soon enough you heard him enter.

"Hey, doll. What the hell, you're still awake? I told you to just go to sl-!"

You didn't want to answer him. No, you simply couldn't even if you wanted to.

Only mere seconds passed before you felt gloved hands grasp both of your hands.

"Sweetheart... Listen to me."

You merely shook your head as he watched your shoulders tremble.

Clicking his tounge, he lifted you up with ease, pulling a sudden yelp out of you.

"No, Chuuya. Please put me back, I have to g-"

"Y/N, just listen to me for one damn time."

How could you refuse him? When you could feel his warmth so close to you.

Yet your guilt was frankly consuming your whole being. You could hear it in his voice.

Was he angry? Annoyed?

Because of you?

You just wanted to get through this exam by yourself. How could you burden him when he had already enough on his own plate. He didn't need someome like you just adding more onto it.

"I'm sorry, Chuu..."

You felt him sit down onto the couch, the soft light of the screen illuminating the space.

"For what?" He whispered to you as he began to rub circles onto your back.

"It's just..."

A sigh escaped as you felt his hands grasp yours, finally letting him see you fully for the first time and yet the sight made your heart clench.

"No, none of that shit anymore, alright? If you want to rant about it then rant. If you want to cry about it then cry. But no way in hell can you expect me to sit back any longer. It already went on for long enough these past few weeks. You need a break, Y/N. "

There he was.

The love of your life, wearing his heart on his sleeve for you as he poured it out.

Always being honest with you and laying himself bare.

Its what made you fall in love with him but you couldn't deny that you envied that part of him too.

Yet he always managed to make it a part of you too with words alone.

"But I can't. I'm afraid, Chuuya. Afraid that I'll fail this. Because then what? I don't know what I'm supposed to do if the worst would happen. I just-!"

You couldn't see anything anymore. Eyes so blurry as you tried your best to look at him.

And he still managed to leave you breathless as he wiped your tears away, feeling as if you'd be looking at the sunrise itself.

Always giving the energy to let you see the next day.

"I just don't want to burden you. Anyone. Even myself. But what am I supposed to do? I feel so useless everytime I memorize something and I just keep forgetting it because I just don't want to fail. What should I just d-"

Soft lips met yours, a slight tinge of the cherry chapstick you had gifted him on your taste buds.

"You are not a burden, Y/N. Not to anyone, you or even me. I meant if for every time when I asked if I could help. Yet you would always tell me you'd want to do this yourself and if my girlfriend wants to do that then why shouldn't I let her? But everyone has their limit and you need to understand that. I know you've been crying yourself to sleep these past few weeks and I hated myself for letting something like this happen. "

He let his lips linger on your right cheek.

"It's okay to be afraid."

Linger on your left.

"It's okay to cry.

Linger on your forehead.

"But the last thing I'd let you do..."

And lastly return back to your lips.

"Is you feeling like a burden. Feeling useless and everything that comes with it because you are none of that."

You gently took his face into your hands, letting your shaken eyes gaze into his firm ones.

"But what if I fail?"

"You won't. I know you can do it. I've seen how you are, Y/N. Hell you're one of the strongest people I know. You'll stand up for what's right. Every time I come battered, bruised and everything else, you'd always be there to comfort me, tend to my wounds, even feed me when you have to. Your presence alone would make the weight vanish on my shoulders, yet you always carry it without any complaints. So let me do the same to you and help you. "

You tightly wrapped your arms around him, burying your face into his shoulder.

"But it's just an ex-"

"You better not fucking tell me that its JUST an exam. I'm not listening to any of that for tonight."

You felt his lips stretch into a smile as he buried his face into the crook of neck.

"Let's just go to bed and I'll help you rehearse everything, okay?"

"Are you sure about that? Is your patience gonna hold out long enough?"

You let out an "acK!" as he suddenly tightened his arms around you.

"Don't underestimate me, doll. You've seen what I can do so rehearsing for a puny exam won't be a challenge at all. So let's-!"

He lifted the both of you up with his ability, floating towards your bedroom.

"-just sleep already because we both deserve it after tonight, alright?"

You couldn't help but chuckle at his sudden silliness.

"Oi, what are you laughing at"

"No, nothing. Just appreciating my boyfriend, his handy power and the love he'd always give me."

"D-Don't be so sappy. Rest and save that energy for tomorrow."

"Hmm, oh well. But I still wanna say that I love you though."

"Out of nowhere... but I love you too. Always will."

*****

Anyway yall rehearse that shit together and ur boy being the one to take breaks bc bro wtf have u been learning???? This some science level shit?? But he gives u snacks, cuddles, support and everything you need

bro's gonna pamper you as soon as you finally had ur exam and you gotta restrain him from showering you with gifts bc of how happy he is

HIS future wife deserves the best after all 😤😤😤✋✋✋✋

if u tell him that he doesnt need to buy you so much and that you'd be happy with him just being there then oh...

dont expect him to hold back after being so cute 🤡 especially after yall havent done anything for weeks probably so time to catch up 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

#bsd x reader #chuuya x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #nakahara chuuya

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vampirekangaroo · 7 days

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So five thousand years later, for those who follow me, here is my Daredevil duo op. Life happened and I haven't been able to be around outside of basically liking posts here and there until today.

I'm kind of posting these completely backwards. Like when I tell y'all my nerves were SUPER high knowing I was going to meet Charlie, it was ridiculous. Like even talked to this guy in line about it and he was like you'll be fine. He was right. I was fine. Mostly. I met Jon Bernthal a couple of years ago, a super nice guy as well if you haven't met him. And I told him, they are gonna stand on the opposite side of their characters, I can feel it in my soul. Which I think is hilarious cause Jon's hand is covering up Daredevil's head a bit, which is slightly amusing as well.

But anywho. This is the photo I sent my friends like I SURVIVED, SEE. Well, I sent a picture of me holding the photo all SEE. I might see if I can find that to post here too lol. But here is my more in depth story about this. I walked in and Jon put his hand on my arm and leaned down and said, "Hey it's so nice to meet you, thank you for coming." And then was like okay you get here between us. And I legit was like OMG I CANNOT in my head. 1) because hello clearly the Punisher haircut. and 2) my mind was very OMG IT'S CHARLIE still. I've only ever had that experience one other time and it was with Garrett Dillahunt and Jenna Elfman. I might just start having random posts about my con experiences and tell these lovely stories after this. But for now, I'm gonna try to concentrate on this one and tell you this story.

Now let me explain my con experiences. I normally NEVER get two pictures with the same person at the same con. I've done maybe 5 group ops total ever, and I told myself don't buy this, you have the solo. But then I told myself, maybe you need the buffer between actually meeting him and the solo op and autograph line. Which y'all, I did. I really did. I'm not sure I would have been able to talk to him at his table if not. But I'm now rambling and telling mini stories throughout the actual big story moment.

The picture was taken of course and I was like okay I need to exit. Well, that is when Charlie did the same thing as Jon and took a second to put his hand on my arm. He also leaned down to thank me for being there and said, "It's so nice to meet you." And it was in that moment we are all lucky my ass didn't pass out. Cause I was thinking, "Holy shit your face is so close to my face and your accent and your eyes and Jesus please let me remain upright and not faint." And then of course I tried to exit the wrong way and I was like, "Oh right. Of course." I've always prided myself on following the arrows and whatnot but yeah I was too flustered, which I said out loud. And the photographer said, "I get it" and I said "it's hard not to be flustered around them? I mean my god." They laughed and smiled because of it but I was like OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU ADMIT THAT OUT LOUD? as I went to get the picture. And to answer that it's cause it's me and I'm too honest for my own good lol.

Meeting them both reminded me of meeting Jeffery Dean Morgan in all honestly. He too took time in both the ops I've had with him (though the one is with him and Norman). It's really special though when the person you're getting an op with takes the time to say those things. Mainly because those photo op lines are crazy so the fact they each took a second to say thanks just meant a lot. It always does, because at the end of the day it really is about the little things.

#charlie cox #daredevil #jon bernthal #the punisher #frank castle #matt murdock #conventions #atlanta comic con 2024 #ATL Comic Con 2024 #atlanta comic con

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sweetestpopcorn · 4 months

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How would you rank Jaehaerys and Alysanne’s children in terms of greatness/potential? For me, Baelon was best out their children with Saera being second. I also think Viserra was a waisted potential. I think she could have done interesting stuff had she lived. Do you think perhaps maybe Baelon should’ve married her after Alyssa’s death? Obviously, no one could replace Alyssa in his heart.

Hi there :)

I have already kind of answered this regarding my thoughts about Saera and Viserra and none of it is good. I will just link them here and here . Legit they are just portrayed as mean girls with no real depth to them, though of the two, Saera is much, much worse. Viserra I can at least sympathise with since her parents seem to not give half a f_ck about her and did not even extend to her the same courtesy they did her siblings of having a say about her marriage (more here), but that's about it. I don't find anything else likeable about her she's just... empty.

I will go from least favourite to favourite.

Saera and Viserra go right to the bottom of my list. Followed very closely by Vaegon by obvious reasons. Like Vaegon, it literally costs you 0 golden dragons to not be so unlikable.

Then I would say Daenerys, she has a lot of sweet moments but dies young so I don't really know how she would have turned out. Besides, I know it's petty of me, but I don't like other characters having Dany's name. I do like Daenerys, Naerys's daughter but... yeah no more. You don't need more Daenerys, we have our Mother of Dragons. Yes, I know I am petty.

Then Gael because... poor baby 🥺 seriously what was George thinking writing a character who is Alysanne's comfort, with some degree of cognitive disability be r...... by some random singer, give birth, lose her baby, and kill herself?! Like enough's enough. It's literally just to add tragedy to her story and honestly Turtle man it's getting f:cking OLD. I swear this man gets his rocks off by adding tragedy and terrible abuse to female characters. This when he can bother to make them more than a walking womb.

Then I would say Aemon. Maybe he would be higher but at times I just feel he's too perfect if that's a thing. There’s just nothing wrong with him like 😂 he literally does nothing wrong.

Daella comes next because I find her funny. She's such a drama queen 24/7 making everyone around her want to protect her XD even Alyssa. I kind of got the vibes at times from her that she kind of knew what she was doing to get attention. Like the fact that she and Alyssa are Rhaenyra's grandmothers just makes so much sense no matter how you look at it. In a way Rhaenyra seems kind of a mixture of both? With tons of stubborn and style added. Another moment that really endeared me to Daella was her very tragic death, and how despite all her suffering she still wanted to be given Aemma and to feed her. Prime mom material right there -> like you can tell both from her and Alyssa that Rhaenyra got some top notch mom genes.

Then Alyssa of course, because she was THE queen. Literally she was just a better behaved version of her son and I'm here for it! I love how despite the fact that she was clearly a tomboy she still wanted to marry Baelon and give him an army of kids X'D because these two things are not mutually exclusive and liking or enjoying traditional boy things does not have to say anything about your sexuality or your desire to be a mother - just like being very feminine and liking traditionally feminine activities does not have to say anything about your sexuality or desire to parent. These are rules a society that does not understand nuance and in a sense is deeply sexist and stereotypical likes to put in place and that I find deeply harmful to people. But Alyssa is the BOMB, so funny, so bold, the way she embarrassed Vaegon who was a little sh:t *chef's kiss*

Then there's the best man ever -> Baelon Targaryen

Had his own cool nickname, The Spring Prince, funny, charming, sexy, single dad who never once forgot about his lady with the mismatched eyes, entered a tourney under the name of the Silver Fool... I don't feel like a need to say more, and in an era where all men were literally so problematic, Baelon was IT.

Baelon is what this fandom thinks Corlys is. Sorry not sorry.

And that's it :D

Also no, and more important that should Baelon remarry, the question is did he want to remarry? And the answer is no, and any Baelon fan would respect the Spring Prince and his undying love for his lady with the mismatched eyes <3

#saera targaryen #viserra targaryen #vaegon targaryen #daenerys targaryen #gael targaryen #aemon targaryen #daella targaryen #alyssa targaryen #baelon targaryen #fire and blood #valyrianscrolls #popcorn answers

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cupids-chamber · 1 year

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PLEASE READ

LET'S TALK, I've done this rant before but it seems people can't take a hint. Thought I'm grateful to receive attention, I think people need to learn the, ever so shocking truth.. that writers are people?!

Each time I release a fic, which is practically every day, I get my asks filled with requests, which is bothersome already, but it quite upsets me because in my pinned, it says and clearly states that my requests are closed. Not to mention that, you can clearly see that people legitimately don't read my pinned or rules when they send these requests (Yes I can tell, it's not that hard) and or the requests come off demanding, so instead of a request it sounds like an order.

Now you may be thinking, "Cupid, can't you just delete the requests?" To that I answer, yes and I have but you fail to see how this impacts me. I'm actually online, almost always and I do see your asks when you send them, but these sort of requests have deflated me to the point where I legit cant write anymore and or have the energy to talk with anyone. If you were to check my tumblr status, it would always say I'm online right now however, because of this happening frequently, it's ruining my personal tumblr experience and I've been here for about an year and have dealt with quite difficult situations, but it has never made me feel this bad.

Because, this shows how much respect an average fanfic writer lacks, please be kind to your writers and be polite when you requests, where artists are praised for their talent (They deserve all of it, I'm serious my artist friends have hands of God I tell you) and meme's/incorrect quote posts are almost always at the top of the tags with quite little effort compared to writing (I'm using the term compared, specifying this since people always find a way to cause a scene) and praised for being funny. Writer's are quite on the shelf when you think about it.

When requesting an art piece that is free, people make sure to ask rather politely and most of the times, they have something nice to say to the artist, once again they deserve it but compared to a writer who keeps requests open, even if they do commissions. We still lack this sort of respect, were providing free content, but it's much less appreciated then other things.

Let me provide another point, from my most popular deuce fic is a crackfic of Deuce discovering chocolate milk, didn't come from brown cows and my latest one is this a yandere fic with a wordcount of 2k, crackfics which took little to no effort on my part, is much more popular than a fic which I spent serious time and effort on. (Both are x readers)

And if that wasn't enough, let's touch the aspect of reblogs a bit.. (Reblogs are what help get posts on the top of tags and or attention in general) I've seen multiple blogs, which reblogged incorrect quote's and maybe even art (Mostly just twst incorrect quotes), but they don't reblog other works, (I'm not attacking meme blogs, they're funny as hell) but If you like something you should reblog it! (Including art), please I've seen many many good writers, fall down hill just because they don't get that attention, since they're so new! Hell I have side blogs other then my spam, in which I reblog a lot of writers & artists works, sometimes I'll reblog a particular post 5 times!

Since I'm going the rabit hole of everything wrong with how writers are treated compared to other contributors in fandoms.. new writers have to deal with ass, I was a new writer at one point, and I've had many side blogs that I do not share on my main blog, and I do not connect the two together. AND LET ME TELL YOU.. You have not seen disrespect when it comes to requests and asks, unless you are a new writer in huge and medium sized fandoms, small ones give you least amount of attention but they appreciate you since well the fandoms so dry of content!

Also nsfw writers, let's talk about them. (I'm not a Nsfw writer but I'm friends with a lot of them, and no I do not read adult blogs content, I only read their fluff, I respect that mdni sign with all my heart) JUST BECAUSE THEY WRITE NSFW DOESNT MEAN THEY'RE A PEDO, just because A WRITER IS 18 AND LIKES A CHARACTER WHO'S 17 DOES NOT MAKE THEM A PEDO, It's fictional, someone I knew got called a Pedo all over for liking Azul as a 18 year old, and they only wrote fluff for him. And also, just because they write Nsfw is not a valid reason to attack them, now if they wrote shotacon and you know things that generally is wrong then there is a reasonable reason to call them out? But when you attack someone for writing nsfw in general, and or hate of them for that. It's stupid, I've seen so many users genuinely hurt by the hate, and others play it off, but it really shouldn't be played off! Also by doing this, it takes away from the actual impact of the word pedo, it's a sensitive topic don't throw it around. Also on that note, many Nsfw writers are actually asexual! (From blogs I've seen in the past, and people I've met) so.. keep that in mind.

I'm beginning to see how off topic I went in this rant, but it's been eating me alive not talking about it. So let's talk about it.. If your against me in any part of this, and have an actual valid argument please feel free to inbox me about it, I know I may be in the wrong, it's just what I've personally seen and want to say, but I'd be more than happy to correct it, if I'm in the wrong. If I do get hate for mentioning this then I'll ignore you. (Most likely, unless I feel the need to add onto something or provide input/context to your ask)

Happy reading, enjoy your night/day!

EDIT: Just found out quick reblogging exists, what is your excuse now, like I'm genuinely asking. If reblogging hurts your precious aesthetic (I say, as I'm a very aesthetic oriented person.. make a side blog!)

#— important #— announcement

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givehimthemedicine · 1 year

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Big Analysis Part 1

Gates, Demogorgons, and Tunnels

[ Part 2 ]

My attempt to iron out explanations for a variety of how-and-when type questions pertaining to.. well, it's there in the title. this is super long, but I really hope you take a look because I think I've got viable explanations if not The Answer for a lot of big questions.

Topics:

The difference between gates and portals

Is the demogorgon Henry?

Is S1, S3, S4 all the same demogorgon?

Why no more portals since S1?

Is Dart the slug Will coughed up?

Where was the demogorgon for seasons 2 & 3?

How the Russians captured the democreatures & particles

How did Dart get in Dustin's trash?

What's the deal with the tunnels? is that the UD?

The significance of the library in the UD

Why do some gates close and others spread?

Theory about the mothergate

Theory about it was a seven / 8:15

this post deals mostly with the literal and not so much predictions/symbolism/character analysis type stuff, but a few topics in the second half start to form theories that flirt with potential spoiler territory, so if you prefer to be surprised about the subject of Will's vanishing in s5, probably don't read.

these sections are ordered to build logic and Realizations as you read straight through, so although I tried to make it browsable, it REALLY makes more sense if you read all of it.

1. Gates and portals

distinguishing gates from portals is not at all my idea, but let me nail down the differences between them because it's super important for the logic of this entire analysis.

both are doorways into the other dimension, both are separated by a goopy pink membrane, but their other qualities aren't consistent. besides who made them and from which direction, some have vines coming out, some don't. some leave no trace, others do.

here's a list of all the different holes I can think of and different qualities they have.

grey is for things we weren't shown, but I filled in based on the logic of the rest and the fact that if it was otherwise somebody would've mentioned it.

so here's the distinction I'm making for the rest of the post:

GATES are opened by humans. they have vines and may be inclined to close or spread, but when they do close, they leave scars:

list of what I consider gates:

'79 in the rainbow room

'83 in the lab (the mothergate)

'83 in the classroom

'84 in Russia just for a minute

'85 under Starcourt

'86 Chrissy, Fred, Patrick, Max gates

most of these are explicitly referred to as "gates" on the show. "door" is also used sometimes to mean gate by both Henry and Alexei.

*vines are always characteristic of gates with the single exception that I'm not certain we saw any in the Starcourt one. it's clearly a legit gate - closing it makes the monster die. I guess it would have vines but doesn't yet, because Alexei says it's not open but openING. I'll remind you when this becomes relevant.

**it looks most logically consistent to me to say that gates always leave scars, but we were never actually shown what either of the laser gates looked like after closing.

PORTALS are small holes opened by the demogorgon which never have vines, always close up pretty quickly, and never leave a trace. list of what I consider portals:

the Byers living room wall, living room floor, living room ceiling, Will's room wall, hallway floor

the Nancy tree where the demogorgon yoinks the deer

the school hallway

the wall in the shed where Will got yoinked

the ceiling of the Lab elevator where the scientist got yoinked

the pool where Barb got yoinked

I can't remember anybody on ST ever referring to one of the temporary holes opened by the demogorgon as "a gate", even though they never explicitly discuss a difference either.

in contrast to gate scars, they make a point of showing that no trace is left behind when portals heal.

"but wait, the demogorgon is totally Henry, doesn't that throw off the data in your stupid little chart?"

no, not the way I understand Henry to "be" the demogorgon. I'll explain more in Is the demogorgon Henry?, but I believe all these portals are being, in deed though not in purpose, opened by the actual demogorgon.

"but wait, what about the time Will opened that portal in the wall??"

no he did not. that was the hole where the demogorgon came through to attack Joyce before - Will found it just before it finished healing.

now, one more huge thing: gates enable portals to be opened.

where am I getting this?

well, if Henry can make a demogorgon open a portal to yoink Will in 1983... why wouldn't he have just done that in 1979? why Henry's whole thing about needing El to open a gate for him, if portals are a thing?

just think: Will got taken when the mothergate opened, but he wasn't taken through the mothergate. the demogorgon didn't grab him in the shed, drag him 2 miles down the road, in the front door of Hawkins Lab, down the elevator [Will and the demogorgon awkwardly listening to elevator music], through the mothergate, back through the Upside Down version of all that backwards, all the way back to his house where they started. no, Will was taken right through a portal in the shed to the UD shed. so what did the gate even have to do with it?

the fact that the demogorgon never opened any portals until immediately after the opening of the mothergate tells us that it couldn't until then.

2. Is the demogorgon Henry?

for sure. but in what sense is critically important. I can think of three ways that we could say Henry "is" the demogorgon:

Henry shapeshifting? This doesn't work for me because I don't think Henry can shapeshift. I don't think what he does to Max in s4 is literally, physically changing his appearance, but rather changing Max's perception of his appearance, like what Kali can do.

and even if he could shapeshift, I don't think that explains what's going on. like wearing an Eleven Halloween costume doesn't grant you telekinesis, Henry shapeshifting as a demogorgon would not personally gain its abilities. and the demogorgon must have abilities Henry doesn't, otherwise he wouldn't need to involve it at all.

Henry tricking observers into perceiving him as a demogorgon? Nah. it showed up in Jonathan's candid photo.

Henry puppeting an actual demogorgon is the only way that makes sense. I believe the demogorgon of s1 is an actual demogorgon that Henry is controlling after possessing it with the Mind Flayer, just like he did to Will.

we see the Henrygorgon open portals a bunch of times, so by whose ability is this happening: the demogorgon, Henry, or the Mind Flayer?

it can't be Henry, because if Henry could open portals himself, he wouldn't need the demogorgon. and it can't be the Mind Flayer, because again, why involve the demogorgon.

portaling can only be the demogorgon's ability, and that's why it's very important that the Henrygorgon is physically a legit demogorgon that's taking orders from Henry, and not somehow Henry in disguise.

"but wait, if portaling is an inherent demogorgon ability, why hasn't the demogorgon been terrorizing Hawkins since forever?"

because you gotta have a gate in order to open portals, and there wasn't a gate open long enough for it to come through until 1983.

3. Is s1, s3, and s4 the same demogorgon?

No.

the one El dispatches in s1 is all burnt because of Nancy & co setting it on fire, but the s3 postcredits one has pristine skin. s1 and s3 are different individuals.

the s3 and s4 look very different, but this dialogue in Hopper's last supper scene explains how they're the same one:

You know why they feed captive predators live prey? Because if they don't, the predator gets bored and stops eating. It needs the thrill of the hunt. And this food isn't to make us strong. It's to make us plump. So we're full of the nutrients and protein that a growing monster might need.

in the s3 postcredits we see them feed a captive prisoner to it, and that's why it's skinny - it's bored. in 4, now that it's been hunting prey that can fight back, it's filled out, muscular, battle scarred. it's so buff Mike would have a poster of it if only it had nipples.

4. Why haven't there ever been any more portals since season 1, if demogorgons and gates are still both a thing?

I first theorized that the demogorgon's ability to open portals gets switched on when at least one gate to our world is open, and off when none are. but if that was it, then the Russian demogorgon should have started portaling all over the prison the moment Chrissy died. I had to get up and take a walk because this ruined my whole thing, but I think I've got it now.

the answer is in the very first scene of the show.

the scientist comes fleeing out from the gate room. but then the thing he's running from is somehow ahead of him, already in the elevator.

to pop out into the RU elevator, the demogorgon had to come from the UD. but we know it was in the RU once already before that, because it already scared the scientist. so how'd it get to the RU that time? it could not have come through a portal to the RU straight from its eternity in the UD, otherwise it would've been doing that since forever.

it's a chicken/egg situation that's only solved by the demogorgon coming in originally through the gate.

Brenner goes down to look at the gate, some guy says "is this where it came from?" and he says "Yes." why TELL us that? the audience can't just see "gaping eldritch hellhole" and "monster on the loose" and put two and two together? this must be REALLY important to be so underlined.

it is. they're showing us that the demogorgon became able to open portals between the UD/RU not just by virtue of the gate existing, but by coming in through it.

the Chrissy gate didn't make the Russian demogorgon able to open portals because it didn't come in through Chrissy's gate. more on that later.

5. Is Dart the slug Will coughed up?

definitely not. those things grow up very quickly, in a matter of days. Dustin found Dart as a pollywog almost an entire year after Will coughed up the slug so there's no way it's the same one.

6. Where was the demogorgon for seasons 2 and 3?

the Henrygorgon of season 1 is either dead or minding its own business in the Upside Down. I don't think it's dead because the same treatment didn't kill Henry.

"but wait, the mothergate was still open, if the Henrygorgon wasn't dead why didn't it just come right back in?"

the process of dematerializing it could also have exorcised it of the MF, so that it was no longer the Henrygorgon. or maybe Henry just didn't want to do season 1 all over again after he already got his ass kicked.

so if season 1's demogorgon is retired, where's the Russian one been during seasons 2 and 3? :)

you know how I said the Russian demogorgon isn't able to open portals because it never came in through Chrissy's gate? well, it never came in through any gate.

how could a demogorgon possibly get to the Rightside Up WITHOUT passing through a gate? there's only one way.

being born on this side.

:) :) :)

The Russian demogorgon is the slug Will coughed up.

"but wait, those slugs grow up to be demodogs, not demogorgons!" they're factually the same animal. here's an interview detailing the creative process for all its life stages from slug to demogorgon, in which ST's VFX supervisor states that the demodog is, quote, "an adolescent model of the Demogorgon."

I'm not saying "wouldn't that be a hoot," I'm saying it can't be any other way. the Russian demogorgon can't be the original one, because it isn't burnt. there were manymany demogorgons born in season 2 (Dart & friends) but it can't be one of them because they all died when El closed the gate. some demogorgons were born at the end of season 1, but all except one were born in the UD where their hosts died (we'll talk about this later), and aren't in play. that leaves only one unaccounted for.

Will coughed it up and it went down the sink, into the sewers of Hawkins. over a matter of days it matured into a demodog and started digging the tunnels of season 2.

7. How the Russians captured the democreatures and particles

Enzo tells Hopper that he's "heard rumors of a monster from America" and in season 3 Erica looks at a steel cage in the Russian bunker and says: "Hey Dustin, how big did you say that demogorgon was?" this spells out for us that the Russian demogorgon was captured in Hawkins and transported to Russia.

this is another reason the Russian demogorgon has to be Will's, and not merely one of Dart's generation that was allowed to grow up instead of being put into suspended animation in those tanks - they want us to know the Russians caught a demogorgon that was already an adult.

I think this is why they made a point of the Starcourt gate being "openING" instead of open - to rule out the possibility that a new demogorgon came in.

since the Russians never opened a gate long/big enough for any democreatures to come through, the demodogs had to be sourced from Hawkins also.

I figure the Russians captured them both underneath Hawkins in season 2.

"but wait, underground Russians were a 3 thing, not a 2 thing!"

you know how long it takes to move that much earth? to have that humongous underground fortress finished and functional by season 3, the Russians had to be well underway during 2. the scene of the failed Russian gate which necessitates them trying again in Hawkins is set in June '84 (that's between 1 and 2). they could have started any time from then on.

In 3x4, we see Hopper look at some land deeds - the people who own Starcourt (Russians) buying up farmland because they "want to expand" - dated 11/13/84. for context, that's like a week after El closed the gate in season 2. the Russians built Starcourt in 1984 to conceal their real construction project, the underground fortress.

so in the process of digging sometime between July-October of 1984 while the mothergate was still open, the Russians must have run into those tunnels that ran all underneath Hawkins. and at that time, the tunnels contained the adult Will-demogorgon and lots of demodogs. they captured the adult and several juveniles - possibly at younger stages when it would've been easier - and put them into suspended animation. they kept the demogorgon awake, and shipped them all off to Russia, where they started feeding the demogorgon prisoners.

"but wait, the Russian demodogs can't be from the s2 Hawkins batch! they all died when the gate closed!"

hang on, I'm about to explain.

now, how on earth did the Russians capture a hunk of the particles?

I can't think of an easier way to capture it than packaged neatly in host bodies. the demodogs the Russians captured were possessed,

"hold it right there, how'd they capture possessed demodogs? wouldn't they just portal away? wouldn't they be all rabid and invincible?" juvenile demogorgons aren't able to open portals. if they could, Dart would've escaped Dustin's cellar that way. and possession doesn't make demogorgons of any age invincible, it just controls them mentally. demogorgons can take 900000 bullets because they're just like that, possessed or not. strong skin or something. but juveniles aren't so tough yet - see Hopper taking out several of them with 1 shot apiece as El closes the gate.

anyway, they took a handful of possessed demodogs back to the facility in Russia and burnt the MF out of them, trapping their combined particles in that holding tank, and then placing the exorcised dogs into suspended animation.

the Russians definitely know about he-likes-it-cold. it's how they're keeping the swirling particles contained behind glass: they've got the area outside its holding tank surrounded with heating elements. it isn't captive because it can't break glass, it's captive because it doesn't want to go toward the heat.

this explains how these several captive demodogs don't drop dead as a result of gates closing: not just because they're in suspended animation, but because they're no longer possessed at the time the gates close.

think of Will in season 2 - they had to hold off closing the mothergate until they burned the MF out of him, otherwise as a part of the army, Will would have died along with all the demodogs.

see, the "democreatures all dropping dead when a gate closes" thing isn't because the creatures just inherently die of homesickness or something, it's because they're almost always possessed by the MF, and the MF is what "dies" (falls down inert) when gates are closed. if the MF "died" while inside Will, Will would have died, but exorcised Will survived the closing of the mothergate just fine, and so did these demodogs. in fact, the exact piece of the MF that was in Will was the piece that was in the flesh monster, and it did "die" when the Starcourt gate closed, which made the monster die.

s4 spells out for us that demodogs/gorgons can and do get possessed by the MF exactly how Will did (the dying Russian guard says that "the shadow went into them"), confirming for us the mechanism for s1's Henrygorgon.

we know the demodogs aren't still possessed while in suspended animation because the shadow wouldn't need to go into them if it was already in them.

"but wait, are we sure those demodogs were possessed in the first place if they were born in the tunnels and not in the actual UD? how did the MF get to them?"

they definitely were possessed because they acted as a part of the hive mind, but I am a bit shaky on how. my best explanation right now is that since the tunnels went right up to the mothergate, the MF could reach into the RU tunnels like it reached through when El was closing the gate, or the demodogs passed freely in and out of the gate and got possessed while in the UD.

8. How did Dart get in Dustin's trash?

my best guess on this one is disappointingly mundane. I saw that shot of Hopper seeing the dead raccoon in the tunnels, and I thought, how about if a raccoon was rooting around in Dustin's trash and coughed up a slug?

this led me down a much more important avenue of thought: where all those demodogs came from. by season 2 there are a LOT. I'd say 20-30 just in that one shot of them falling dead in droves when El closes the gate.

while we do have one demogorgon in play at this time, demogorgons themselves can't reproduce as far as we know. those slugs are planted by a vine.

live bodies are needed to incubate those slugs, but Hawkins is a small town and dozens more disappearances would've surely been mentioned. how then?

animals. Will's demogorgon yoinked any number of animals from the woods to host those slugs, and the slugs soon grew into demodogs which fed on their hosts' bodies.

only they weren't yoinked to the UD, but to the tunnels. that's what that area littered with bones was were Hopper got trapped, the place he called the "graveyard". a demogorgon nursery.

9. What's the deal with the tunnels?

the tunnels act as sort of a bridge area between the RU and the UD.

it's physically the RU, but so heavily infiltrated by the vines and spores due to proximity to the gate that it's functionally the UD. (like how vines and spores spread a little ways into the Lab through the gate, hence hazmat suits needed to even approach it).

it can't be the actual UD, because the hole Hopper digs through to access it doesn't act like a gate/portal. if the tunnels were the UD, if Hopper was even able to break through with his shovel (which humans can't do), he would have fallen into a gravity-reversed UD copy of that pumpkin field. instead, he broke through to a physical tunnel in the dirt.

10. The significance of the library in the Upside Down

ok this is one of my hair twirlingest sections in the whole thing

you know when Will pointed out that spot in the tunnels, and said it was important and the Mind Flayer didn't want him to see there?

and Hopper saw on the soldiers' video feed that they were in "the graveyard," that place Joyce and Bob rescued him from earlier? the demogorgon nursery?

but it turned out Will was just lying about it being important to get those soldiers sent to their deaths?

Will wasn't lying. It really is an important place.

the graveyard is where the ambush happened. and the graveyard is directly underneath the library.

not just because of the X clue, but because, remember how I called the graveyard a demogorgon nursery a minute ago?

and remember what happened to Will in the library?

as above, so below.

the library is the demogorgon nursery of season 1's Upside Down. all six of the yoinked were taken there to get slugged, not just Will.

"but wait, if they were all taken to the library, wouldn't Hopper and Joyce have seen their bodies there?"

they did. people seem to forget.

"but wait, how can Barb be dead in the library if Nancy saw her in Steve's pool in s4?" dead Barb in the pool was a vision Henry gave Nancy to torment her, not current or literal footage.

now check this out.

the Duffers have specifically listed the first Indiana Jones movie as one of their inspirations. remember that scene where they're searching everywhere in that old library for a "ten" marking the location of a tomb? and you know what a roman numeral ten looks like? and Indy finally finds it....

on the floor? and they pull up a tile and drop into a catacombs tunnel full of bones underground beneath the library? that scene sure was neato!!

more X / ten library refs

now remember in the Hopper-stuck-in-the-tunnels part, there's also a moment where he sees a spot of dense vines and tries burning them away and digging his way out? well the vines grow densely like that to cover holes - we saw them quickly grow over and conceal the hole Hopper originally dug into the tunnels. that's why he couldn't find his way out before.

does this not indicate that there was a preexisting but sealed-up hole right there in the graveyard... not another branch of walkable tunnel, but a smaller tunnel leading UP...

to the library??

someone PLEASE Indiana Jones the library floor in s5. it's tile.

"but wait, as far as we know, those tunnels didn't exist until s2, and only demodogs dig, and the only demogorgon in play was already an adult."

right, I am thinking that the slug Will coughed up went on to become the founder of the tunnels, which means that neither the tunnels nor the theoretical library-hole would have existed at the time of the s1 yoinkings.

either Will's demogorgon or any of Dart's friends could've dug the library hole (assuming there wasn't some preexisting ancient tomb under there) but why? why would they need a tunnel from the graveyard to the RU library? and from which direction was it dug? could the five UD demogorgons have dug it down from where they were born in the UD library? I don't think alterations made to the UD affect the RU, but could there be some loophole here given that the tunnels are almost like a bridge dimension? I need to think more.

I'll leave you with this:

remember where Henry found the black widow nest that ended up being his whole life's inspiration? in a vent under the floor in the bathroom? it's giving me Indy under the library floor BIGTIME.

see how the nest is also full of egg sacs? remember how Max stepped on some of those and little baby spiders came out? I just read a little about black window spiders and their egg sacs take about 30 days to hatch. would this be a fun time to mention that Will coughed up that slug 26 days after being rescued? and that Victor Creel said the family had "a month of peace in that house" before the horrors started?

I'm thinking the library was already a significant place for Henry in order for him to take the yoinked there. I'm pretty sure the tunnels were started after the yoinkings, so the graveyard was placed under the library, and not that the library was chosen for being on top of some geographical spot of preexisting importance.

this is where I'll need to hand this topic off to a better analyst because I tend to be too literal, but I think we need to talk about the possibility that something happened to Henry at the library, maybe in the basement. if that's where he took all the yoinked, it must be a significant place for him.

11. Why some gates close and others spread

does the opener of the gate determine its nature? that can't be it. El opened multiple gates that behaved very differently.

the Mothergate started as a crack in a wall and grew enormous. the Lab's controlled burns barely slowed it down its spread. but the rainbow gate was just big enough for Henry and then sealed back up in less than a minute. same with the classroom gate, it sealed up so fast that we didn't even see it.

so what's the difference? why was one huge and spreading and the others small and temporary?

I'm gonna get a little more abstract here than the rest of the post, but bear with me while I take a guess.

the mothergate was created when El made psychic contact with the demogorgon and experienced extreme fear, right? and Chrissy, Fred, Patrick, Max's gates are created when Henry made psychic connections with them and tortured them with fear, despair, hatred, guilt. notice how those are the gates that spread.

the rainbow room gate was created when El overpowered Henry by harnessing her single happy memory of her mother's love. the classroom gate was created when El had such protective love for her new friends that she was willing to sacrifice her life for them.

may I suggest that gate behavior depends on which emotion fuels their opening.

Fear, guilt, bitterness, hate festers. Love heals. but both types of wounds leave scars.

Stranger Things is a live action Monsters Inc

I'll grant you that this symbolism doesn't explain the two gates opened by Russian lasers, but maybe those sidestep the issue due to being artificially created.

anyway if 8-year-old El had successfully overpowered Henry using the power of her sad/angry memories instead of switching to love, that rainbow room gate might have been the spreading sort, the events of 1983/1986 could have happened immediately, and with baby El out of commission, the world would have ended in 1979.

warning - if I'm right at all, we're drifting towards what might be considered spoiler territory for the rest of this.

12. Why did the mothergate open where it did?

when Henry opened gates, they were all formed on the exact spot of the victim's body. and both times El opened gates, they also formed on the exact spot of the victim's body - the wall right behind Henry, and the chalkboard right behind the demogorgon.

if El was the opener of the mothergate, why didn't the gate open right on the "victim" - the demogorgon? and even if we've got it backwards and El is the victim, why didn't the gate open right on her water tank either? Instead of either location, it randomly cracked the wall several feet away.

the boring answer is they probably just hadn't thought out all this gate lore while they were shooting season 1, which was meant to be a standalone with no continuing story.

and while I think that's true to some extent, it doesn't even interfere with the FUN ANSWER, which is:

how about if the mothergate DID form exactly where the "victim" was, and the "victim" was Henry.

Henry, standing in the Upside Down lab during El's Russian spy mission. remembering how she opened a gate in 1979 and trying to recreate it - bracing himself against the nearest wall, knowing that if his plan works, and he can connect with El while she's psychically receptive and get her to experience extreme terror again, another gate will open.

13. It was a seven / 8:15

that seven could be more important than just to show that Will won't lie to Mike.

there are a bunch of other sevens on ST. now, this whole section could be a reach because plenty of them are unrelated, but I can't help notice that a handful of them pertain at least sort of to the bikes/Mike's garage.

"It was a seven"

the 7 on the license plate in the Wheelers' garage

what day does Hopper find Will's bike? the 7th

when the gang has to ride the Wheelers' bikes to Eddie's trailer, he says it's 7 miles away

and if we widen the search to include ones pertaining to DnD, we get a couple more,

Lucas cuts off the thessalhydra's 7 heads at the end of the same campaign

Mike takes 7 points of damage in the s3 DnD campaign

that's like half of the ST "seven" references that I can think of (though I'm sure there are more I've missed) that have some topical overlap with "it was a seven".

PS, the show that's on Ted Wheeler's TV is Knight Rider, and an episode of Knight Rider really did air the night of November 6, 1983. the 7th episode of the season :)

ok, now hold that thought.

s4 Robin says to Nancy, "I know your house is creepily frozen in time, but haven't you always had bikes?" so they take the Wheeler family's bikes to the trailer, and we get one of the coolest cinematic shots in the whole show.

Eddie is on Mike's bike. Nancy is riding her own (unless I'm forgetting, we only ever glimpse it in the garage-bat-practice scene; we know it's hers because it's a girl bike frame). Robin and Steve are on two adult bikes that must be Ted and Karen's.

IF I'm onto something here, this scene came [Vecna voice] so close to the truth, Nancy.

they didn't show us the gang finding and getting on those bikes. they didn't say there were only those four available.

what if I reminded you that we know a specific time frame on Nov 6 1983 - pretty wide time frame actually - when there were more than just four bikes at the Wheeler house.

between roughly 10am-8:15pm, during the ten hour DnD campaign, the party's bikes were there too.

how many bikes does that total? 7.

did I go all that way just for another obscure 7? maybe, but the part that makes me itchy is...

why did s4 have to borderline retcon the idea of Karen and Ted having owned bikes during s1, instead of just putting Steve and Robin on the party's bikes that we saw there canonically? it must be important that they didn't take those specific bikes. hold that thought.

now work with me here...

Will rolled the 7 at 8:15... 7 bikes at 8:15...

this ties in with my eightfifteengate hunch: 8:15pm is the exact time at which the Upside Down is frozen.

IF the 7 bikes thing is important, the Upside Down couldn't be frozen any later than 8:15pm, because the party went home right after Will rolled the seven, so any time after that there wouldn't be 7 bikes there anymore.

now, what doubt I have about the scenario I'm about to pitch isn't at all because it isn't feasible, but because the optics are delightfully goofy depending what we imagine Henry looks like in 1983.

I don't have a solid map of Hawkins, but I know the Lab and Will's house are closer together than Mike's house is from either of them. and our first two sightings of the demogorgon are at Hawkins Lab and then in the road near Will's house. Mike's house would've been significantly out of the way for a stop in between.

what if.... the demogorgon didn't stalk Will home. the lights flickering in Mike's garage? what if that was Henry himself.

I know, that immediately creates a problem: if Henry's at Mike's house, how could he be at Will's house in time for the vanishing? he can't teleport. Will's biking at a fair pace and even raced Dustin part of the way - Henry would have to haul ass the entire way?

you know what means of transportation is available that goes at least as fast as Will's bike?

Will's bike. the upside down one.

THIS is a scenario where it gets important for there to be 7 bikes. for Steve and Robin to have taken Ted and Karen's instead of party bikes.

if the UD is frozen at a time when there are >4 bikes in the garage - and we're certain it was that way at 8:15 btw - Henry could've taken Will's, Lucas's, or Dustin's bike without screwing up the timeline. so that Nancy, Steve, Robin, and Eddie could walk into the UD garage 2 1/2 years later and still find Mike's, Dustin's, Lucas's, Nancy's, Ted's and Karen's bikes.

Nancy naturally would choose her own. Steve and Robin would probably prefer the adult bikes. and Eddie, the newcomer, takes his pick of the kid bikes.

"but wait lol, if Henry had first pick of all 7 bikes why wouldn't he take one of the adult ones?" because he's a cheeky bitch and it'd be just like him to pick Will's bike? also Ted and Karen don't store their bikes in the garage and Henry didn't have time to go rooting around their shed or wherever they keep them while Will was already starting to pedal away.

PS someone please draw for me: Henry, in full Vecna mode, grumpily riding the only bike left in the garage because the timeline got screwed up: a tiny pink tricycle belonging to Holly Wheeler

anyway, 8:15 being the only moment during that night that they timestamped makes me so suspicious about it, because in order to call back to something later for a Big Reveal, you need to make note of it at the time - just not too noticeably. that's why Karen Wheeler opens the basement door and says "it's fifteen after!" and then they bury the "8" in a separate scene, later, when Joyce and Karen talk on the phone. they really wanted the fact that Will rolled the 7 at 8:15 to be documented but not obvious.

I'm still figuring out actual support for the idea beyond that and bikegate but I will keep these lights up until the day I DIE if there's a chance I can prove the UD is frozen at 8:15.

part 2 soon to follow :)

tagged: @mlchaelwheeler @himynameis4 @steviescrystals @strangertwistoffate

#some of this isn't me cracking mysteries it's just me understanding things we were supposed to understand all along #but I promise some of it will be new for most of you #givehimthemedicine analysis #mine #how the upside down works #analysis #givehimthemedicine big analysis #im /hj about the bike part am I wrong probably is it hilarious to imagine yes

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tokyo-revengers-writings · 1 year

Text

Sleep (Izana x GN!Reader)

A/n: I often see writers write like this headcanon-oneshot hybrid style (more os than hc), so I figured I'd give it a try with this thought that has been plaguing my mind. Legit, I wrote this in an attempt to get me to stop thinking about it. (Yes, I know this is a pt. 2, get off my dick) And yes, there is a bit of Filipino because I'm learning and proud. Don't know if my writing's good, it's having a moment rn.

Warnings: Sickness, cursing

~~~

A few hours after Izana left to go to a Tenjiku meeting, Kakucho called you

"You should get down here. Quickly, preferably."

He didn't tell you much more, just that it was about Izana; he seemed rushed

It was strange; he seemed perfectly fine this morning

You drove to Tenjiku's meeting place, where all the lower levels were gone and it was just the executives and heavenly kings

Ran led you to Izana, who was sitting in a chair, clutching his abdomen and curling into himself. He was pale and sweating bullets

Kakucho, Rindou, and Shion were around Izana.

Mochi, Mucho, Kisaki, Koko and Hanma stood back, almost not trusting themselves to go near Izana

Kakucho holding his hand and gently rubbing his back

Rindou was talking to Izana to soothe him, "Hey, it's alright, man. Take it easy, relax."

Shion was holding his other hand while grasping a water bottle for Izana.

If Izana was letting Shion five feet near him, there was an issue.

~~~ (Yes it switched from 2nd person to 1st, bear with it)

"Kakucho," I put my hand on his shoulder, "What the hell happened?"

"He just started feeling really bad in the middle of the meeting," Kaku shrugged, "I'm not sure of the details; I had the Haitanis bring him into the back to chill."

"Ran! Get over here!" I yelled.

"Yes?"

I nudged his shoulder, "Tell me what happened with Izana."

"He didn't seem well and Kakucho told Rindou and me to take him into the back," Ran looked around worriedly, "He was complaining about pain, I couldn't really decipher half of it. He was completely out of it."

I crouched next to Rin and gently tapped Izana's clammy cheek, "You alright, Mahal?"

He looked up a bit, his eyes bloodshot, "'m fine..."

RIndou looked at me, "No matter how many times any of us ask, that's our answer."

"Because it's true..." Izana answered, his voice hardly audible.

"Want me to take you home, 'Zana?"

There was little protest on Izana's end, even as Kakucho carried him to the car. The reason was probably that he was barely conscious. Ran and Rindou exchanged worried looks.

"I can come by later," Kakucho said after closing the passenger's side door, "Help you out a bit."

I nodded, "That would help both of us."

I said my goodbyes to everyone before getting in the driver's seat and setting off for home. It was clear Izana was trying to stay conscious, struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Izana?"

He turned, "Hm...?"

"Now that we're alone, are you gonna tell me how you're feeling?"

Izana shut his eyes tightly, "It hurts... Everything hurts..."

I reached over and put my hand on his forehead. He was warm, but nothing to be overly scared about. He flinched away but relaxed soon enough.

"When'd you start feeling like this, Mahal?"

"No clue... felt kinda off this morning..." His words were slurred, and it was clear he wasn't... all the way there.

"Go into the console and grab some ibuprofen for now, that way you can go straight to bed when you get home."

Izana groaned, opening the console and taking two ibuprofen tablets before setting it back in the console. He leaned back in his seat and shut his eyes tightly, a bit of color returning to his face.

"Think you can walk in?" I asked as I parked the car in the parking lot.

Izana scoffed, "I'm not a fucking child..."

I forgave Izana's rudeness; he was always rude, ill or otherwise. He stepped out of the car and clung to the outside for dear life as he took small, shaky steps.

"Nuh-uh, we're not doing this," I came beside him, "Put your arms around my neck."

"I said I got it!" Izana hissed before tripping over his feet.

"Mhm, you were saying?"

"Shut up," Izana put his arms around my neck and allowed me to carry him up to his apartment.

I set him down gently on the couch, fetching him several extra pillows, blankets, ice packs, and anything else Izana wished for. I felt bad for him; he clearly felt like shit, and he had been through enough already.

"Don't leave..." Izana muttered sleepily, "Stay here..."

I clutched his clammy hand, "Just relax and go to sleep, I'm not gonna leave."

He was out like a candle during a windstorm, sleeping relatively peacefully. I kept my word, sitting beside him clutching his hand whilst he slept. More color returned to his face, yet he still looked awful.

There was a knock at the door.

I let go of Izana's hand and opened the door for Kakucho. He looked over the room quickly before setting a bag of stuff down.

"I wasn't sure what he needed, so I just got everything." Kakucho muttered, motioning to the bag, "There's more in Koko's car if you could help me get that."

"You're such a great friend, Kaku." I followed him downstairs to Koko's car, which I am sure he did not steal.

"How's Izana doing?"

I tucked my hands in my pockets, "I managed to get him to sleep."

~~~

Masterlist

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hetalia-club · 22 days

Note

Finally i don't feel alone in thinking the fandom is toxic, because I had to deal with a horrible amount of ableism (for literal disabilities I have and apparently someone thought I was incontinent and basically compared incontinent people to diaperfuckers) and even still I have to hide behind anon due to the fact the fandom also has a problem with stalking too, since i have been stalked by people who made private accounts around me and screenshotting everything I said to the point I had to actually talk to someone from the Trevor Project because I genuinely did not feel safe

apologies for the rambling, this fandom isn't normal about disabled people

Honey I'm so sorry :(. Yes people are mean and something about this fandom normalizes it. Idk what it is exactly. People say it's 'always been this way' and while that's true it HAS gotten WORSE. mainly because the fandom is smaller and the assholes just sort of all form a cult together and thrive off each others negativity. They say the people with the worse opinions are the loudest and that couldn't be more true within this fandom.

Also the ability to go fully anonymous on this sight is both a blessing and a plague. I do feel that there SHOULD be a way to find out who the anon was. I myself have been consistently harassed by a Spain kin for almost 5 years. It used to really get to me and it doesn't anymore. I truly just no longer give a shit. I went on Hiatus for 2 years and they CAME BACK! Like they were waiting in the shadows and like a bond vilian just turned in their chair and were like "well well well...". It's just kind of funny if you think about it I live rent free in their dome and they don't even know me. An I can't block them because they are always on anon. So I just delete it and carry on with my life. Last year my therapist diagnosed me with Avoidant Personality Disorder and it answered a lot of questions I've always had about myself. Which means I am an extremely shy person chronically so. I take things to heart even if I shouldn't. I feel things very deeply for myself and for other people and animals. My therapist taught me some tools to try and help me deal and I got an increase in my meds. One of those was to not watch the news or actively sought out negative events because those destroy me. I just can't take it. It's a huge trigger for me and I wish it wasn't I don't like the idea that I make it about me' in some way. It doesn't really do much but it numbs me a bit and makes me care less. It still affects me sure but I feel too unbothered to care. My AI covers have been a HUGE stress relief for me and a good distraction from my feelings. But again it's just a distraction. They are little boosts of serotonin to make and it makes me happy and it makes me even happier when someone enjoys it.

The reason I tell you this is to help you understand that no one really gives a shit. That sounds harsh but please let me elaborate on that. I mean I have straight told people "I am legit too shy to function and I do not like to talk about certain things because it gives me major embarrassment that can last actual days. Can we find a new topic or maybe pivot." but they don't actually listen to me about it. And I understand that it's hard to remember everyone's little quirks but to constantly have to remind people and for them to just "Oh yeah sorry... anyway like I was saying" really stings. Because of my disorder you can imagine I have an extremely hard time speaking my mind and standing up for myself. I want everyone to like me I don't want anyone to dislike me to a fault. I will ignore my own feelings and emotions to let others speak about what makes them happy even if sometimes it does sting. So I actually very much do know exactly where you are coming from with that. Just please remember that these are strangers online. Yes they can say hurtful things but the second you close teh app they disappear. They don't actually matter. And YES I am fully aware that this is easier said than done please believe me on that.

This fandom does have a serious issue with ignoring and disrespecting others disabilities. Especially some that are not really heard about/normalized much like yours or mine. I 100% know everyone thinks I'm lying about my personality disorder being a real thing If they don't want to understand me I can't make them, which sucks but I have no control over that. I wish it were not that way but we can't change other people and the way they think/ act but we can work on ourselves and how we process harassment. I wish you luck anon, you're never alone on this bitch of an earth, love you <3

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aperrywilliams · 1 year

Text

We Could Try (Part 9): Take Me Home (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)

Author Masterlist / Clueless (prequel)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9

------------------

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Summary: Spencer stays with Reader all night in the hospital. Will she make it at the end? Will they make it too?

Word Count: 6.1k

Warnings: Hurt/Confort/Fluff. Talk about rough injuries, hospitals, and hostage situations. If I forgot something, let me know.

A/N: This is the last chapter, my loves. Thank you so much for the support you gave to this series. I love these two so much, and it's a bit sad to let them go, honestly.

------------------

Spencer forgot the last time he had a nice dream. It was possibly months ago.

It was curious that, in these circumstances, he could dream of something nice again, but that's how it was.

He could see (Y/N) laughing as he tried to sing a song.

"You're so off-key," she complained, still laughing.

"But I'm your off-key guy. And you love me," Spencer told her, pecking her lips.

"You're right. But don't push it, pal," she teased him, playfully hitting his chest. Spencer chuckled as he pulled her to him.

"Come on, say it," Spencer requested.

"Say what?" (Y/N) asked as she didn't know what he was talking about.

"You know what!" Spencer pouted. (Y/N) grinned.

"Okay, okay. Don't get all fuzzy on me," (Y/N) said, holding Spencer's cheeks when he tried to avert her gaze. "Hey, look at me." Spencer's puppy eyes met hers.

"Spencer Walter Reid. I love you. I love you as I never loved anyone, and I will never do," she said, leaning forward to kiss him deeply. Spencer wanted that; he felt like the happiest man on earth.

His dream was disturbed by Emily, who had a coffee for him in hand, and a go-bag with - presumably - his clothes.

"You should sleep on the couch there," she pointed to the room corner. "That chair is anything but comfortable."

After rubbing his eyes, Spencer shook his head.

"I'm not leaving her side. Thanks though," Spencer stated, grabbing the coffee and sipping it. Emily understood.

"Okay. So for you to know, the case is officially closed. We found the connection we had missed between Turpin and his accomplishes. They are going to face trial now," she recounted.

"What about what he did to (Y/N)?"

"The guy is dead, Spencer. And due it was a legit defense, (Y/N) won't have to worry about protocol or anything."

Spencer let out a deep breath. They both kept staring at (Y/N), her breathing steady.

"Do you think she would make it?" He asked suddenly. Prentiss sighed, looking at (Y/N) lying in bed.

"She is the toughest girl I have known. That gives me enough hope." Spencer nodded. He would cling to that.

"Did you know she didn't want me to move in with her in Boston? I was so angry. I didn't see she still felt insecure about us. I thought everything was going okay. I'm so stupid," Spencer lamented. He should have known, and that made him feel guilty.

"No, you are not. But it's true that (Y/N) felt still vulnerable, and all the what-ifs lingering on her," Emily acknowledged, sipping her own coffee. Spencer turned to see her.

"She told you that?" Emily frowned, contemplating her answer.

"Not quite. But I know."

Spencer nodded, slumping on the chair.

"I love her, Emily. What can I do to make her come back?"

Spencer wasn't talking only about (Y/N) waking up. Things between them weren't on the highest note. Even if she could make it, what would it mean to them?

"The same you're doing since you got together again. With love, support, and communication. I don't know what else could work," Emily shrugged. "The wounds could still be there, but the constant reminder that you have each other will be helpful to heal. To both of you," she added.

And Prentiss was right. She had known Spencer and (Y/N) for years. She witnessed how they fell in love and the ups and downs throughout the past years. Their love wasn't something it could be underestimated.

Spencer spent that night by (Y/N)'s side. A doctor came the next morning to check on her. It was a good thing she didn't seize in the past hours. The danger wasn't entirely gone, but things were improving. A sense of relief washed over Spencer. Relief but anxiety, too, about what's coming next.

A whole day passed, and the team showed up to get updates on (Y/N). Some teammates from the Boston office came too. Spencer asked Emily to call (Y/N)'s sister, Sara. He didn't dare to do it himself.

That night Spencer didn't sleep again, even if his eyes were heavy and his body numb from the hours spent on that chair.

His mind wandered to the months at Milburn and how he was convinced (Y/N) would leave him. He thought about what Valerie told him days ago, about him making sure (Y/N) would never feel unworthy again. He didn't want (Y/N) to think like that.

It was almost dawn when the tiredness got Spencer. He closed his eyes, not leaving the grasp on (Y/N)'s hand as the slumber found him. His brain conjured a beautiful moment in his sleep: the time he proposed to her in Rossi's backyard.

'Are you okay?' (Y/N) asked Spencer when she noticed his leg bouncing under the table.

'Yeah. I'm okay,' Spencer lied. He was a nervous wreck. The velvet box was burning a hole in his jacket pocket. He tried to do it before dinner, but the words failed him. Why was it so difficult? He wanted to marry her. But if she says no? They have talked about it but never got serious before.

After dessert, the team was still at the table, laughing at Garcia's jokes. Spencer excused himself, got up, and walked to the backyard. He needed to do it now. He texted JJ and asked her to tell (Y/N) to go outside.

Worried that something was wrong with Spencer, (Y/N) showed up quickly and found him under dimmed lights that hung from the trees on Rossi's patio. When Spencer saw her, he reached out his hand to take hers and make her come closer.

'What's this?' She asked, confused.

'My poor attempt to make this proposal romantic,' he chuckled, pointing to the lights.

'What?'

‘(Y/N). I have been in love with you for ages. I told you that after I got shot, and I wasn't lying. This time we have been together proved to me that you are the love of my life. And I want to spend the rest of my days with you.' (Y/N)'s eyes widened when Spencer got down to one knee, revealing the velvet box with a ring inside.

'Will you marry me?'

The whole team watched from the glass doors and cheered when (Y/N) said yes, and Spencer put the ring on her finger. After all those years, it was happening at last.

Little did they know things wouldn't work like it was supposed to.

Still deep in sleep, Spencer had his body contorted with his head resting on (Y/N) 's mattress —an arm over her lap with his hand holding hers. Spencer's hair was a messy bird's nest, and his clothes were entirely wrinkled.

"You look like crap."

That voice brought Spencer to reality.

As he perked his head up, Spencer noticed a pair of half-lidded eyes looking at him. (Y/N) was awake. Tears began to stream from Spencer's eyes. They were happy tears but filled with pent-up stress from the last couple of days.

"Oh, God," he mumbled, kissing her hand and standing to give (Y/N) his full attention.

(Y/N) returned a weary smile. It was great to be alive, despite her aching body.

"How - how are you feeling?" Spencer stuttered, unsure if it was a good idea to ask but desperate to hear her voice again.

"Like someone beat the shit out of me, I guess?" (Y/N) paused to let out a deep sigh before continuing. "How bad is it?"

(Y/N) didn't know the extent of her injuries. She didn't figure out either how much time had passed since they found them in that basement.

"You will be okay. Everything will be okay. You need the rest, though. Your healing process depends on it," Spencer responded, not giving details about her wounds. The doctor would do that later.

(Y/N) nodded and cleared her throat, feeling her mouth dry. Spencer noticed and quickly grabbed a cup of water from the bedside table. He helped her to take a couple of sips.

"What happened after I-?" (Y/N) trailed off.

The memories from the days at Turpin's mercy were coming back in pieces. "How is Valerie?"

(Y/N) didn't know; she fainted before the SWAT team helped Valerie to remove her restraints. (Y/N) wasn't sure either how badly that psycho had beaten her.

"Valerie is fine; she was discharged yesterday," Spencer informed.

"And Turpin's body?"

(Y/N) wanted to get all the information she missed, but maybe it was too soon. Spencer thought that.

"Hey, take it easy. Let's talk about that later, okay?"

(Y/N) nodded. Spencer was right. Also, the pain medication surely was getting effect on her because her eyes were feeling heavy and her body weary.

"I feel dizzy," (Y/N) mumbled, half awake, half asleep.

"That's why you need to rest. I'll inform the doctor to check on you later, okay?" Spencer kissed her hand again. (Y/N) couldn't respond because she was already asleep.

It was reassuring to have seen her awake. Spencer felt like he could breathe again. He hoped things would go well from here, and the doctor could say everything was in order. Before going for her, Spencer stared at (Y/N) as she slept. To see her face all bruised and the wounds on her body hurt more than if he had been hit. If he could have protected her somehow. If only all this could have been avoided.

Slowly Spencer left the room, closing the door behind him. The silence was quickly replaced by someone angrily calling his name. When he looked up, he saw (Y/N)'s sister approaching swiftly, a nurse behind her.

"What the fuck are you doing here?!"

The question was quickly accompanied by a nudge towards Spencer's shoulder. Spencer's eyes broadened; he could see all the anger in Sara's eyes.

"Miss, you can't do that-" the nurse tried to stop Sara, but she wasn't listening. Spencer froze on the spot. What could he say? He was very aware Sara didn't like him, but seeing her in that state was something else.

"I asked you a fucking question! What are you doing here? It's me who needs to be here, not you," Sara interjected.

"Sara-" Spencer started, but she cut him off before he could say something.

"You are the one to blame. How is that my sister ends kidnapped with your mistress, uh? Wasn't everything you made her suffer in the past enough?"

"What? Sara, that's not what happened," Spencer tried to explain, but Sara was already too agitated to try to reason.

"No? Wasn't my sister who got the brunt for defending that bitch? Uh?"

Spencer's tongue got caught in his mouth. How the hell did Sara know all of that? Sara let out a sarcastic laugh.

"You weren't expecting me to know that, right? And no, Emily didn't tell me. She is your friend, after all. She wouldn't do it. But the police down there were kind enough to enlighten me."

Of course. There is always a way. How to explain to her the intricacy of the whole thing now? Spencer could try, but they needed a long talk to do that.

"It's not that way, Sara. I can explain what really happened, but not here. Can we talk in another place, please?" Spencer tried to guide Sara down the hall where the cafeteria was; they could have more privacy there.

"Don't touch me! And no, I don't need you to explain to me anything! I know enough. I can't believe you, really," she huffed, stepping back from him. "You are the worst thing that happened to her. I thought you were decent, but you're just another scumb."

"I love (Y/N)!" Spencer defended, and that was the last straw for Sara.

"Don't you dare to say that! You don't have the right!"

A security guard stepped between them before Sara could lunge at Spencer.

"Miss, stop! I said stop!" the guard said as he put Sara at a distance. "You need to come with me; you're not staying here," he added.

"What?!" Sara asked in disbelief. Spencer intervened before the guy could take Sara out.

"No, no. It's okay. She is right. She is the one who has to be here. It's Miss (Y/L/N)'s sister," he confirmed. "I'm leaving now. Please, let her see her sister," Spencer requested.

Not very convinced, the guard looked at the nurse, who nodded, confirming Spencer's information. Only then did Sara calm down, lowering her arms and taking a deep breath.

"Okay. But please, if you make another turmoil, I'll have to get you out of the hospital," the guard warned. Sara nodded, looking now at the nurse, who reacted quickly.

"This way, miss," she told her, leading Sara toward (Y/N)'s room. As they passed, she barely glanced at Spencer when she spoke, only for him to hear.

"I don't want you near to her. Leave her alone."

With (Y/N)'s sister and the nurse out of sight, the security guard turned to Spencer.

"Are you okay, sir?" he asked empathetically. Spencer nodded.

"Ye - Yeah. She's her family and has the right to be mad at me," he mumbled, stuffing his hands in his pockets. The guard gave him a tight slipped smile before excusing himself from continuing his job.

Spencer didn't notice his hands were shaking. It was more than Sara's outburst. The words coming from her mouth gave Spencer a sense of drowning. He was the one to blame.

When (Y/N) woke up again, she hoped to see Spencer by her side. But instead, she saw Sara sitting in the same chair Spencer had done before. She was reading a book.

"Sara?" she mumbled. Her sister looked at her, a smile creeping on her face.

"Hey, it's good to see you awake," she replied, placing the book beside her.

"How long have I been out?" (Y/N) asked, trying to shift into a comfortable position. Sara checked her watch.

"When I arrived, you were already asleep. Then the doctor came to check on you. So I would say twelve hours or so," Sara noted.

It didn't feel that long, according to (Y/N). Her body still felt numb, although she was more conscious of her movements and surroundings.

"What did she say?"

"The doctor? She said you are doing great, considering," Sara informed.

Should she ask for Spencer? (Y/N) already suspected why he wasn't there, though.

As (Y/N) didn't say anything, Sara felt the need to break the silence.

"Jeez (Y/N), what the hell happened? Emily called me, but she didn't mention any detail," her sister recounted. (Y/N) sighed. "I almost freaked out when the cops outside told me you were in this pavilion. Who did this, sis?"

For (Y/N), it was a semi-rhetorical question, but she felt the urge to answer.

"A misogynist son of the bitch," she murmured. "But it's okay. It's over," (Y/N) hastened to say, knowing Sara always hated her job, especially the fieldwork and its consequences. For (Y/N), it was evident Sara wanted to say something about it, but their conversation was cut off by a nurse who entered to check on her.

"Agent (Y/L/N). How are you feeling?"

The next hours were pretty much the same. (Y/N) still would dozen off quickly after waking up. From time to time, a nurse would come to take her vitals and fill her chart as her sister kept her company.

The following day, (Y/N)'s doctor did a new medical check. The results were good enough to allow her to be transferred to a new room in the non-critical patient ward.

(Y/N) was grateful for having her sister there but felt uneasy when the time passed and Spencer didn't show. She needed to talk to him but was afraid to ask.

The opportunity came when Prentiss visited her two days later.

"You look way better," Emily stated.

"Don't lie. I look like a fucking pushing ball," (Y/N) groaned.

"A pushing ball in a healing process," Emily corrected, chuckling. "What did the doctor say?"

"She says (Y/N) would be able to leave in a week or so," Sara - who was there too - responded.

"That's great!"

"Yeah. It will be a way long week, though," (Y/N) whined, sighing.

Emily sensed some of (Y/N) 's discomfort. And she suspected why too. Emily talked to Spencer, and he mentioned his no-friendly encounter with Sara. The question was if (Y/N) knew what had happened.

When silence settled in the room, (Y/N)'s sister realized maybe they needed some privacy.

"I'm going to grab a coffee. Want some?" She asked Prentiss.

"No, thank you. I'm fine."

Once Sara was out of sight, (Y/N) immediately shot the question.

"Okay. What happened? I know there is something with Spencer, but Sara won't tell me anything."

Emily shook her head, sitting on the bed's edge.

"Let's say Sara didn't take very well to seeing Spencer here under these circumstances."

"Where is he now?" (Y/N) asked worriedly. Emily chuckled.

"It's a little bizarre, to be honest. Spencer has spent the whole week here but hidden from Sara's sight. He talks to the nurses and your doctor as well, and they give him updates on your health state. The nurses love him because they find the whole situation like a modern version of Romeo and Juliet." (Y/N) chuckled. Bizarre asides, it was adorable.

"Emily, what should I do? Last time I checked, I wasn't a teenager." Prentiss nodded.

"I know. But Spencer doesn't want to be a problem for you knowing Sara is here. And, well, considering the things she said to him, he has been feeling very guilty."

(Y/N) frowned. She wasn't surprised about Sara's temper, but with her dislike for Spencer, the combination could be lethal.

"What did she say to him?"

"I don't think it's my position to tell you about it. It's your sister, (Y/N). You need to figure it out and ask her. And you have to decide how you want to get to terms in this matter."

Prentiss was right on that. Although the mess between Sara and Spencer, she was the one who needed to cut it off. (Y/N) loves her sister and appreciates her concern, but it was her life and her decisions, and she must know that.

Before Emily left, (Y/N) asked her a favor.

That night (Y/N) kept thinking about what she wanted to do. She decided to talk to Sara the next morning to clear things up. Sara should know what (Y/N) wanted for her life.

"Can we talk?" (Y/N) asked her sister when she peeked in that morning.

"Sure. What's it?" Sara grabbed a chair and sat close to (Y/N)'s bed.

"You already know," (Y/N) pointed. Sara huffed with discomfort, leaning back in the chair.

"It took you long enough."

"What happened, Sara?"

"What? Emily didn't tell you?"

"No, in fact, she didn't. And I want to hear it from you."

Sara nodded. After crossing her leg over her knee, she described what had happened when she saw Spencer in the hospital that afternoon.

"Was I too rough? Yes. Do I regret it? Not at all," Sara finished.

"It wasn't like that. That was my decision, Sara. And I know the outcome wasn't something pleasant to anyone, but Spencer doesn't have any blame for that," (Y/N) explained. Sara shook her head.

"You know I'm not only talking about you being kidnapped and tortured."

"About that, you know I decided to give it a try. I truly appreciate your concern and know you don't want me to get hurt again. But I love Spencer, Sara. And in the time we have been together, he earned my trust back. It's true I still had doubts, but they were because of my own insecurities. Valerie managed to get that to surface, and I never did o say anything to voice that feeling," (Y/N) chuckled to herself. "You know? It's the first time I admit it aloud, and I feel relieved."

"But Spencer was the one who brought Valerie into your life. Of course, he is responsible."

(Y/N) knew Sara was right in the facts, but her point was different.

"It could have been anyone at any time. Don't think I haven't thought about it," she tried to explain. Sara raised an eyebrow.

"And your conclusion?"

"I can't stay between four walls expecting not to be hurt again. Not if it means running away from the chance to be happy. Life is so fragile that I don't want to waste another minute running and hiding."

(Y/N)'s eyes filled with tears, and her heart with love for the man she knew was her forever. Her sister noticed. How couldn't she? It didn't matter if she disliked him; Spencer was de the man (Y/N) chose.

"He is a lucky bastard," Sara mumbled. (Y/N) chuckled.

"I know he'll agree with you," (Y/N) teased.

"If not, I'm going to kill him for real," Sara warned as (Y/N) shook her head. After some seconds of silence, (Y/N) spoke, giving puppy eyes to her sister.

"Can you call him, please?"

"What? I would prefer not to," she responded. (Y/N) pouted.

"Come on, it's what your beautiful sister wants. Please?"

Sara pressed her lips together, trying not to give in. (Y/N) narrowed her eyes to her.

"Sara, if you don't call him, I will get up from this bed and look for him myself," (Y/N) forewarned.

"What? You can't do that! You're injured, for God's sake," Sara shrieked.

"Sure I won't," (Y/N) defied, sitting in the bed, swinging her feet out of the covers.

"Hey, hey. Stop! Okay!"

(Y/N) halted her doing but looked at her sister with a raised eyebrow.

"I'll go to get him, okay? Just don't get up. I don't want to see you almost bare walking through the hospital corridors. Besides, maybe he is not here either."

"And whose fault would that be?" (Y/N) whined, and her sister rolled her eyes.

"I insist it's not a good idea, but who can change your mind anyway?" Sara huffed before leaving the room.

Emily wasn't joking when she told (Y/N) the nurses loved Spencer. They did check on him constantly in the corner of the waiting room where he spent most of the time. They warned him when (Y/N) 's sister was near, and in the past few days, they even allowed him to take naps in a room the doctors have on that floor for that very purpose.

He was doing precisely that when Ashley - one of the nurse's staff - woke him up.

"Doctor Reid? Someone wants to see you."

Thinking it could be Emily, he stood quickly and left the room, rubbing his eyes.

"Spencer?" Sara called. It wasn't a sweet tone but quiet enough not to make a fuss in the hospital corridor. Immediately Spencer opened his eyes and straightened his posture.

"Uh. Sara. Hey. I wasn't- I -" He stuttered, regaining consciousness. He wasn't expecting to see her, and considering her instructions to stay away, Spencer didn't want another fight.

"Don't. I don't want to hear it. I'm only here because she wants to see you," Sara cut him off.

"(Y/N) wants to-?" Spencer tried to follow Sara's words. She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest.

"That's what I said. And even if my better judgment still tells me I should kick your ass, I won't do something against my sister's wishes."

In that matter, Sara was right. She still didn't like Spencer and blamed him for many things that caused pain (Y/N). But despite that, she loves (Y/N) and respects her decisions.

Spencer nodded appreciatively in silence while straightening his clothes. Before Sara changed her opinion, he walked toward (Y/N)'s room.

(Y/N)'s lips formed into a smile when Spencer peeked through the door.

"Hey," he mumbled, closing the door behind him.

"Hey, Romeo," (Y/N) teased, shifting to a sitting position. Spencer chuckled, eyes to the floor, embarrassed.

"How are you feeling?" he asked shyly, not getting too close in case (Y/N) didn't want it. Sara's words still reverberated in his mind.

"Much better. The doctor said it would take some time, but I'm gonna be okay. But for what I was told, you already know that," (Y/N) commented. Spencer smiled, cheeks tinting in a red shade.

"Kind of. They told me you were getting better, but it's different when you say it."

A silence settled in the room. (Y/N) could see Spencer's reluctance to approach. With hands in his pockets, he stood there at a safe distance from her. (Y/N) knew why.

"Spencer, please, forgive Sara. She is having a hard time," (Y/N) tried to explain. Spencer bit his lower lip, nodding.

"I know. I know," he acknowledged. "She is not wrong, though," he added. (Y/N)'s eyes enlarged.

"What? No! In fact, she's wrong. You didn't kidnap me or beat me. It was Turpin," (Y/N) reasoned.

That was a fact, but (Y/N) already suspected it was more than that.

"That's the only thing we can blame another person for, but everything before? Sara hates me, and she is right," he voiced, averting his gaze from (Y/N)'s.

"Do you really think that?" She questioned, fearing the answer.

It was a conversation they needed to have. A conversation that was transpiring months way late and not in a better setting, but it has to be done.

"That your sister hates me, and she's right?" Spencer scoffed and posed like it was obvious.

"And you are the worst thing that could have happened to me. Because that's what she told you, isn't it?"

Spencer gulped hard. Those were Sara's words, indeed. Does he believe them, though? The most important thing: does (Y/N) believe them?

"Yeah. That. She is your sister; she must know and be right about that."

(Y/N)' s eyes softened. She recognized that look—the same look of self-deprecation and shrinking she had after Valerie's words that night at the bar.

"You can't really think that. And not because you cannot be able to sabotage yourself - a thing I know you do. You can't because it's not true."

Spencer downcasted his gaze. It was hard to believe he wasn't responsible for a brunch of (Y/N)'s painful moments.

"Damn it, Spencer! Some of the best days of my life have been with you!" (Y/N) blurted, trying to make her point. And in some way, she succeeded as Spencer's eyes met hers.

"But I hurt you. And I still do! I promised you not to. And I stupidly thought it was time to move forward when you weren't ready and still had doubts. What kind of boyfriend could I be if I can't notice that?"

His hands, previously tucked in his pockets, now ran through his hair. The gesture told (Y/N) how troubled he felt.

"Well. I didn't say anything, either," she indicated to erase some of the weight Spencer was putting on him.

"It doesn't matter, (Y/N). I should have known."

Spencer's arms slumped to his sides. He still wanted to torture himself because he felt he deserved it.

"And for that, you are going to give up?"

Those words made him frown in confusion. Give up what?

"Uh?"

(Y/N) sighed, reaching for his hand so he could come closer. Spencer hesitated for a second but then gave in, holding her hand and sitting beside her on the mattress. To feel her touch was strange and comforting at the same time.

"Spencer. We have been through a lot these months since we decided we could try this. And even if not everything has gone perfectly, God! I'm so glad we did!"

(Y/N)'s voice was filled with emotion. Recounting the past months, she felt nothing but happy about their time together.

"Me too! But I can't stop thinking I didn't do enough to fix what I broke when I pushed you away for Valerie."

(Y/N) shook her head, stroking Spencer's hand lovingly.

"Don't say that. You have done enough. The thing is, you can't expect to fix something like that on your own. Yeah, the reassurance helps, but it's not the only thing to be done. I mean, I always told you how therapy or talking to another person could help you confront what happened in jail. Still, it seems I didn't listen to my own advice," (Y/N) mused, bringing Spencer's hand to her lips to kiss it.

"What changed?" He asked, now playing with her fingers in his.

"When I was in that basement, at some point, I thought we wouldn't make it. And the fact I would never see you again almost broke me. I think that was an efficient wake-up call," (Y/N) explained, smiling sadly.

"I'm sorry. I should have been faster locating Turpin to save you from him," Spencer apologized, remembering the frustration during the hours they were in the dark on how to catch the unsub.

"You did save me, Spencer, even if you didn't pull the trigger."

Spencer tilted his head in confusion. How did he do that? (Y/N) noticed he didn't understand what she said.

"My mind focused on the most important moments we had shared. I conjured every memory that reminded me why I'm so in love with you. That kept me strong."

Spencer's eyes turned glassy. Jesus, the woman in front of him, went through hell in the past days and was there, alive and declaring her love for him. Did he deserve that?

"(Y/N), you're already the strongest woman I know. You did this by yourself," Spencer tried to refute as (Y/N) shook her head.

"Believe me. At some point, my inner strength wasn't enough. It's true when I tell you motivation is a powerful source. And you were mine. The chance to tell you 'I love you' and 'I trust you' encouraged me to survive," she meant.

"You do?" Spencer asked, almost choking with the tears he tried to keep at bay.

"Yes, my love. And I needed to tell you. I couldn't have died before that. I would never have forgiven myself if I didn't. I love you, and I trust you," (Y/N) declared, not breaking eye contact with Spencer. Now his tears ran free down his cheeks as he brought (Y/N) 's hand to his lips to kiss it. A gesture that told (Y/N) they were getting there.

"I love you, and I trust you, too," he murmured, lolling at the softness of her hand on his lips. "And I'm sorry if I made you think I didn't."

"It wasn't only about the possibility you could cheat or disrespect me. It was the idea you couldn't trust me about what you were feeling. Because we both know when things between us started to go down, and it was before Valerie," (Y/N) explained, and Spencer nodded in understanding.

"Jail," he filled in.

"Why didn't you tell me what was happening then? I asked myself that so many times, and my conclusion was you didn't trust me anymore. And that our love was dying. I feared it was the end. And then Valerie came into your life. Yeah, it could be easier to blame her for snatching you from me. But I kept silently blaming myself."

Spencer was about to say something, but (Y/N) didn't let him.

"Yes. We talked about it, and you explained why you pushed me away. But my mind kept lingering with the idea I wasn't enough for you. The box of all my insecurities exploded wide open. And that's why Valerie's words touched a nerve so deep in me."

Spencer's grasp of her hands tightened, trying to convey how badly he wanted to hold her and push away her insecurities.

"Valerie told me what she said to you that night. And it is the farthest from the truth. (Y/N), I wasn't tired of you. I wasn't expecting an excuse to leave you. I just wanted to keep you safe from the beast I thought I became. And I'm so sorry because now I can truly see how it hurt you," Spencer recognized.

"It's okay, Spencer. Things could be different now, or I least wish that," (Y/N) 's voice was hopeful. Spencer nodded eagerly.

"They could, and they will. I promise. I will do anything to spare you from feeling that again. Baby, I love you as I had never loved someone. You are the light of my life. My best friend, my lover, the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. And this time, love, it will be really at your pace," Spencer vowed.

(Y/N) grinned, feeling the butterflies erupting in her stomach. That was what she needed to take the leap of faith. No more running, no more hiding. Spencer mirrored her grin, rubbing her cheek lovingly. Their eyes were talking in silence and promising forever love.

"I would really love it if you kissed me now," (Y/N) whispered. Spencer chuckled.

"Yes, ma'am."

Slowly he leaned, tenderly cupping (Y/N)'s cheeks. She closed her eyes, breath picking up in anticipation. When their lips touched, every doubt and every insecurity melted away. And instead, the kiss made way for the fire that had always glowed between them. The flame that brought them together the first time has remained lit.

(Y/N)'s hands flew to grab Spencer's shirt. The sensation of his lips on her was so intense that she felt lightheaded.

They would have continued showing their love for each other if the need for breath hadn't been so strong. Several I love yous were blurted as they parted briefly before kept kissing.

At some point (Y/N) reluctantly ended the kiss to rest her forehead on his.

"I want to go home," (Y/N) mumbled, her eyes closed, basking in the feeling of Spencer's breath fanning her face.

Spencer leaned back a bit to look at her. His eyes softened. It was a fair wish, although that reminded him they were still in a long-distance relationship. But Spencer had already promised (Y/N) to go at her pace, so he didn't want to overwhelm her.

"You will, but you need to recover first," he pointed, caressing her cheek. (Y/N) sighed.

"Will you take me home?" she asked, looking at him hopefully. Spencer nodded.

"Of course. I will rent a car and drive us to Boston as soon as your doctor discharges you," he promised.

"No. Don't do that," (Y/N) requested. Spencer narrowed his eyes.

"Why not? The doctor will not allow you to fly yet," Spencer tried to reason.

"I know that," (Y/N) acknowledged. "I was talking about driving us to Boston," she clarified. Spencer was more confused now.

"(Y/N), you said you wanted to go home," he reminded her. (Y/N) smiled.

"Yeah. To go home, with you, in DC," (Y/N) explained. Spencer's eyes widened.

"What?! DC? You mean, as long as you can heal the injuries, right?" Spencer wanted to clarify. (Y/N) giggled, knowing Spencer wouldn't assume her real wish until she said it loud and clear.

"No, baby. I want to stay in DC as long as you'll have me. Spencer, I can't be away from you for another minute. I don't want to either. You're my home; our history and friends are in DC. That's my home."

"But- your life in Boston? Your job?" Spencer stuttered. (Y/N) grabbed his hands in hers and squeezed them.

"It doesn't matter. Believe me, none of that is something I want to keep. Not when my heart is with you," (Y/N) reassured. Spencer was still processing her words.

"Are- are you serious? We don't have to do this. I mean, I can be the one who could move to Boston," Spencer reminded her.

"I know. But there is no reason for me to stay there. Adrian was right; I went to Boston because I was running and hiding from what had happened. I don't have to do that anymore."

Spencer's confusion morphed into happiness.

"God, I love you," he blurted before trapping her lips in a sweet kiss. (Y/N) giggled into the kiss.

"I love you, too," (Y/N) responded once they parted. "And I really want this. Back then, we decided we could try, and against the odds, we made it. Now it's time to go home. Together. Please, take me home," she asked him with hopeful eyes. Spencer smiled and nodded.

"Let's go home then," he whispered before kissing her forehead.

They both were ready for the next chapter of their lives.

------------------

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