#and yall are about to find out just how much everyone else does too

[pycth]

REDACTED OC ‼️

The amount of ocs I’ve made while away is actually insane, but this is the first step to introducing them (Not including Hydrus and Michael who you’ve already met, but maybe I’ll reintroduce them at some point) and where better to pop off than with this fucker right here—

Taken Care Of By Frat Guy At A Party | Audio RP | [M4A]

Name: Noah Baz (Formerly Noah L. Woods)

Age: Biologically—20

Chronologically—38

Died: 2006 (?)

Height: 6’1”

Orientation: Unlabeled “It’s all the same in the dark”

Gender: Cis Male (He/Him)

Species: Unempowered Human (Formerly) Vampire (Currently)

Occupation: Prince of House Baz

A few headcanons-

- Noah was the President of ALPHA PHI KAPPA back at his old college. He has since taken the name and given it to his new frat. He runs the only frat house on the D.A.M.N. campus.

- He was originally turned on a dare at a party his frat was hosting. His maker was the heir to the house he currently belongs to. After his maker’s unexpected death, he became next in line for the crown.

- Being a part of one of the oldest vampires houses, a lot of the members took some time to get used to Noah especially after he became prince. Someone of his era and energy was a lot to comprehend, but they’ve since then grown very attached to him almost like a family pet.

- He is very close friends with Vincent and was a big enabler to his rebellious years back in the day.

- Always has a red solo cup or flask in his hand wherever he goes.

- He wears sunglasses despite no reason for needing them. Rarely takes em off.

- He has a lower back tattoo that says “Lucky You”

- You know exactly what he sounds like.

(Some bonus doodles I did in his making + the post that first inspired it all—)

[rooster-the-love-of-my-life]

Idiots At a Wedding pt2

Summary: Pretending to be Bob's girlfriend in front of his family has tk be easy right? Right...??

Pairings: Bob Floyd x fem!reader

Warnings: mentions of family trauma, crying, kissing, Bob

A/N: omggg you guysss!!!!!! You're the absolute best, o wasn't expecting to get so uchlove from all of you, so.than you very very much much for this. Also I'm very sorry if anyone of you hasn't been tagged, I've been trying to tag yall but I can only have 50 tags per post, so I'll have to find a different way to tag you all. If any of you know how please do tell me, I could really use your help. Anywhoo, enjoy reading and don't be a stranger.💞💞

series masterlist || part 3

After spending an hour trying to make yourselves look presentable, you and Bob made your way downstairs to the party. The house was already packed with people, and more were yet to come. As soon as you reached the last step, Bob was whisked away by Mary and Jeff, leaving you standing alone in a corner.

"Ah, there you are." Annies sweet voice flooded your ears. "Where's Bob? He left you all alone already? I swear that boy need a lesson in how to treat a lady."

"It's fine." You replied. "He wouldn't have left me alone if he didn't know I could handle myself in a room full of strangers."

"Oh, I see you're one of us." She nodded cryptically. "I always knew he would go for someone like you."

"What does that mean?" You asked.

"What my dear sister means to say is, you're an extrovert too. Just like the rest of the Floyd family." Another sweet voice broke into your conversation. Looking at where it came from, you found it belonged to a young woman, who had now slung one of her hands on Annies shoulders and was leaning against her. "Robby's the only one of us who's an introvert, for a moment we all thought he was adopted, but alas, that quite shy boy is all ours. I'm Lucy."

"Ah, the bride to be. Congratulations." It all clicked finally as she engulfed you in a classic Floyd hug as well.

"You're even prettier than I expected." She said, as Annie agreed with her loudly.

"Oh please, have you two seen yourself." You chucked, slowly becoming red. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but what did you mean by he would go for someone like me?"

Both the blonde sisters shared a knowing look with each other before Lucy explained. "Bob is the quiet one of the family, as you may have noticed. He was the one who stayed inside and read a book while the rest of us played football or did some loud thing. We always knew he needed someone to bring him out his shell, someone like you."

"And from what I've seen till now, he seems to be really comfortable with you. More than with anyonelse else." Annie finished, both looking smug.

If you weren't blushing before, you sure were now. You knew how different you and Bob were, anyone with functioning eyes did. But you had no idea you had any sort of effect on him. Maybe you two really were great actors. If so, this performance alone was enough to earn you an academy award.

The night continued, you stuck around with Annie who showed you around the house and introduced you to everyone all the while asking you about your work and the navy. After a few hours, when it was nearing dinner, Bob finally found you.

"Hello ladies." He said, walking up from behind you, casually planting a hand on your waist, catching you off guard. "Hope my sisters aren't annoying you darling."

Darling? Where did that come from? Regardless, your heart did back flips upon hear the nickname slip so casually from his mouth.

"Oh not at all." You replied, looking up at him. "In fact they've kept me really entertained with all your childhood stories."

"Oh dear lord no." He groaned loudy, his head falling down and landing in the nape of your neck. "Why do yall hate me?"

"What kind of sisters would we be if we didn't tell her about all the times you've peed yourself as a child?" Lucy teased.

"The nice kind." Bob mumbled, lifting his head a little but still keeping his chin resting on your shoulder. "But don't you both worry about anything. I'll tell her every embarrassing thing about yall before going to sleep tonight."

"Is that your idea of pillow talk Robby?" Annie joked, instantly making her younger brother regret saying what he said. "If so, I must say I am very disappointed."

"Now, now kids." You jumped in, knowing how flushed the man behind you must have gotten. "Be nice, I've got all week to see you three fight. Don't ruin the show just yet."

All four of you shared a laugh, when Mary called everyone for dinner. The entire party filled into the big dining room where homemade food was spread out on the table.

"Bobby, I might just kiss your mother." You whispered, mouth salivating at the sight of good home cooked food. The navy had it perks, but good food was not one of them.

"Be my guest." He chuckled. "But just beware, she might never let you leave."

You were about to say something else before you were interrupted by Mary clearing her throat.

"As most of you might know, today's the first day of the wedding celebration for our dear Lucy and Peter. And as out family tradition says, the newest couple in the room has to share a kiss. So come on yall." She finished, as both you and Bob looked around the room to see which couple was going to be the one kissing.

All the while, the entire room had turned towards the two of you and was watching you expectantly. It took a while for you two idiots to realise just who Mary was talking about, and as soon as you did, Bob quickly spoke up in defense.

"What? Ma. Come on, it's Lu's wedding."

"Yes, but Peter and I have been together for three years. You two have been together for only six months." She replied quickly, smirking.

"But-"

"No no, no ifs, no buts." One of Bob's many aunts jumped in. "Tradition is tradition, honey. Now come on, give your girl a kiss."

While Bob was trying to get you two out of this situation, you were stood next to him absolutely frozen. You had agreed that you might have to kiss and show a little affection out in public, but you didn't think it would be so soon. Even though Bob put up a tough fight, he couldn't put off his family.

He leaned down to your height, and slowly planted a soft kiss on you cheek, earning groans from everyone.

"Come on man." Someone shouted. "You kiss grandma Ruth better than that."

"Yeah Robby, I wouldn't be shocked if she left you for kissing her like a teenager." Someone else shouted as the whole room erupted in loud laughter.

Turning your head to your left, you were met with Bob's crimson face. Through all the howling and laughter, all you could think of was how horrible this must be for him. He never liked being the center of attention, ever. So having about fifty people urging him to kiss you might just be his worst nightmare.

Without a second thought, you placed your right hand on his left cheek and turned his head towards you. You took a step closer and got up on your tiptoes to reach him. Slowly, you leaned in with closed eyes until your lips landed on his. Bob was caught off guard for a mili second, but he quickly put his hands on you hips and brought you in closer, engulfing your mouth with his own.

From the moment your lips touched, you felt as if your whole body was on fire. You had done many things that pumped adrenalin through your body, heck you flew plane for a living. But none of it even came close to what you felt upon kissing Bob Floyd.

Bob kept pulling you in closer, as if he was afraid he would wake up from a dream if he let you go. But when he head the loud hooting around him, he finally came back to his sense and realized he was standing in the middle of a dining room and not alone with you. Though it did feel like it from the moment you touched his cheek.

You two pulled away, breathing heavily, yet still holding on to each other. You were just about to pull away completely when Bob learned in and gave you a short sweet kiss, making your heart leap right out of your chest.

"That's what I'm talking about!" Someone exclaimed over all the commotion. Your entire face was red and you were breathing heavily, staring right at the ground as Mary urged everyone to take their dinner.

Next to you, Bob was sure he had died and your kiss was what had greeted him into heaven. But neither of you had time to even look at each other before plates were thrust into your hand and food into your plates.

--------------------------------

The bedroom was awkward to say the least. After dinner, which seemed to stretch out for an eternity, you finally trudged back into Bob's childhood bedroom, silent and red faced, both thinking about the same thing.

You slipped into the bathroom to get ready for bed and to get your giddy heart to stop beating so fast while Bob changed his clothes outside, reminding himself it was all just for show. All it'll ever be.

By the time you came out, he had already slipped under the covers and turned off the lights. Due to the lack of light, and your clumsiness, you bumped your foot into one of the dressers hard.

"Ow." You whispered, bending over because of the pain, cradling that foot while hoping on the other to keep standing stright.

"You okay?" Bob asked, voice gruff, followed by the rustling of sheets.

"I'm gonna need your help navigating the room Bobby." You whispered, trying to hide the pain in your voice.

"Oh shit sorry." He mumbled, turning on his bedside lamp. "I forgot it's your first time here."

"It's alright." You limped over to the bed and sat down, still cradling your hurt foot.

"Does it hurt too much? Should I get ice?" Bob fussed, serious faced, as you turned around to look at him, and boy was he a sight for sore eyes. His hair was messy, the kind of messy you wanted to run your hands through and mess up more. He wasn't wearing his glasses, sleep was evident in his eyes and his muscular torso was on full display.

Another thing learned about sweet, mysterious Bobby. You thought to yourself, trying not to blush to hard at the sight of him.

"I'm fine Bob, it's just a stubbed toe. I'll survive." You said, noticing how his expression hadn't changed. "And if I don't, I have you to nurse me back to life."

"That you do." He chuckled.

"There he is." You said, getting into bed as well. "Thought I'd lost you for a second."

"I was just worried." He replied, sliding in as well, laying face to face with you.

"You fuss over the stubbed toes of all your friends or am I just special?" You joked.

"You're just special." He answered without skipping a beat. You two laid in silence for a few moments, lost deep into each other eyes. But the big yawn that left your mouth ruined the moment.

"Go to sleep." Bob smiled at your scrunched up face, extending his arm to turn the soft yellow light off. "I'll see you in the moring."

"See you in the morning Bobby." You whispered through another yawn.

"Night sweetheart."

------------------------

Morning came quicker than you wanted it to. Sunlight poured through the windows and the shrill chirping of birds took over, as you moved your blanket up over you head and turned the other way in an attempt to block out the sunlight. You were expecting, half hoping, Bob would still be sleeping next to you, but all you found when you stretched your hand was an empty bed. His side of the bed was already made, with his blanket neatly folded.

Of course he made his bed as soon as he got up, you thought, learning another thing about him.

You were in half a mood to stay in bed for a bit longer and laze around, but the smell of fresh pancakes mixed with the sound of laughter got you up on your feet within a second. You quickly got dressed and headed downstairs, where you were greeted by the Floyd family already enjoying breakfast.

Annie was sitting at the table laughing at something Lucy had said, with Andy playing in her lap. Mary was over by the stove, flipping pancakes with military precision along with Jeff who was cooking the bacon. And then there was Bob, who was standing at the end of the counter, pouring everyone orange juice in mismatched cups. His hair was sweaty, face flushed, glasses foggy, like he'd just come back from a run.

"Morning." You said loudly, announcing yourself. Everyone's head turned to you and a chorus of 'good morning' rang through the room. "I see you're still keeping up with your runs." You commented, walking closer to Bob.

"Can't give Hondo the pleasure of thinking I've gotten slow, now can I?" Bob replied, laser focused on pouring the juice.

"Right, throw me under the buss, why don't you. I won't be supried if I can't run a meter after eating your mom's food." You sighed, thinking about the delicious meal you had last night and the one you were about to have now. "Mary, you have magic in your hands, pure magic."

"Well thank you darling." She said, picking up the plates with the pancakes and heading towards the table. "At least someone here appreciates my cooking."

"Oh come on ma, we've been having your food for ages." Lucy argued.

"That doesn't mean you can't compliment a woman once in a while." Mary looked at her children with a pointed, teasing look.

"Don't worry marmie, as long as I'm here, you'll always have someone to compliment your cooking." Jeff chimed in, placing the bacon on the table and then placing a soft kiss on Mary's cheeks, the same way he would with his mother's.

Your heart melted upon seeing this. The way they all had accepted someone new into their family, loved him like their own. You could only hope you would get this in your life.

"That makes two." You added, smiling at the matriarch who returned it with the same vigor. "You need some help?" You asked Bob, who was finished with his task.

"If you won't mind." He replied, looking down at all the cups there were to carry. Without wasting another second, you both jumped into action. A minute later, all of your were seated on the table as plates of food were being passed.

Once everyone was settled in and already gulfing down the breakfast, Mary spoke up, breaking the silence.

"You know, I never asked how you two met?"

You head snapped up instantly, as did Bob's. There was a slight excitement in his eyes, the kind that comes when you see a question you already know the answer of in a test.

"Well we both-" Bob started, but was stopped by Lucy.

"I want to hear it from her." She said, looking at you intently. "Women always know how to tell a story, with exact timelines. Men don't."

"Well," You stared, placing your cutlery down gently in your plate. "We were both assigned to the same special task force a year ago. After the mission we were all asked to stay back, and that's when we got together."

"Oh my god, you're even worse than him." Lucy groaned.

"Come on, give us something more. We can't live on breadcrumbs." Annied chimed in.

"Details, dearie, details. Give us the details, tell us what you thought of our Robby when you first met him." Mary urged you, after your vague reply.

"Okay, um. I first saw him at the bar where the whole squad generally hangs out, the hard deck." You started, smiling fondly at the memory of that night. "He was sitting in a corner, drinking ginger ale and eating peanuts, while everyone else was playing pool. I was a little late-"

"As always." Bob added, giving you a teasing smile.

"Only five minutes late." You corrected, rolling your eyes playfully. "I didn't see him at first-"

"Cayse you were busy arguing with Hangman." He butted in again. "A usual occurrence."

"Will you let me continue?" You huffed, as Bob raised his hands in surrender, motioning your to go on. "When I finally did see him, he offered me his peanuts-"

"Which you took a handful of."

"Bob." All women on the table screamed.

"Sorry, sorry."

"And I've liked him ever since." You finished, knowing in your heart that the last part wasn't a lie.

"Aww, ain't the sweet." Mary gushed. "Now, tell me who asked who on a date?"

You shared a knowing look with Bob across the table and spoke before he got the chance to. "Mary, do you think your son would ever ask someone out first?"

The whole table erupted in fits of loud laughter, as Bob sank into his seat.

"You didn't ask her out?" The older woman gasped. "Why?"

"Why? Mama, have you seen her?" The answer slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself. It was true of cousre, he was always afraid to talk to you cause of how pretty you looked at all times, but he never meant for it to come out like this.

"Our little Robby, smitten like a kitten." Lucy teased, pulling at her older brothers cheeks, who swatted her hands away.

"As cute as this may be, I still think it's wrong you didn't as her out." Mary voiced. "Your father taught you better than this."

"What do you want me to do now mama? Were already together." Bob replied.

"Ask her out." She suggested.

"Mary, that's completely unnecessary." You chimed in.

"Nonsense. My son should know better."

"Yeah Bob, ask her out." Annie nudged you slightly, a cheeky grin taking over her face.

"Ask her out Robert." Jeff was in support of the ladies as well, smirking wildly at his brother-in-law.

"Ask her out, ask her out." Lucy chanted childishly. Even baby Andy started babbling as if he was willing his uncle to do the same.

"Alright, fine, fine." Bob sighed and sat up straight in his seat. You were as red as a tomato by now, finally understanding what Bob had meant when he said his family was a little too much. He said your name softly, looking right into your eyes.

"Darling, will you be my girlfriend?"

"Happily."

---------------------

The rest of breakfast was a blur. Conversation flowed easy, love and warmth busted through the table and all you could think of was how fun it must have been growing up in such a family. A family who accepts you just the way you are, you didn't need to change, didn't need to be perfect to earn their love, all you had to be was theirs and they loved you. Oh, how you wished you had a family like that.

After breakfast was done, you were helping Lucy with the dishes all alone in the kitchen when she asked you your plans of the day. You were about to say it would be to do whatever was asked of you, but she had plans of her own for you.

"Well, whatever they are, cancle them." She announced, sitting up on the kitchen counter next to the dishwasher, where you were standing. "Cause I've decided to make you one of my bridesmades. Annie the made of honor, obviously. I was down one girl and one of Peters friends had to sit out, but not anymore now that Bob has got you into our lives."

"Oh Lucy, are you sure?" You asked, overwhelmed with how much this family had welcomed you. "It's your special day. I don't want you to feel obliged in any way to add me to your bridal party. I'd be more than happy to sit and watch the ceremony."

"Oh please, I might not have know you for too long, but I've grown really fond of you. Part of it cause I believe you truly are an amazing person. The other part is cause of how you are with Bob. I know he's my older brother and he's supposed to be the one looking out for me, but ever since we were young, it's always been the opposite. He's always been the quiet one, the easy target for most people, that's why we were all worried when he said he wanted to join the navy. None of thought he'd make it through basic training, but here he is. We all always knew he need someone soft, someone gentle, someone who could help him tune the world out whenever it got too loud or mean. And I'm glad he's found that in you."

You couldn't stop the tears from forming in your eyes as Lucy spoke. Bob's whole family cared so much for him, they never tried to change him or stop him from being who he was, they just protected him the best they could. And now they put their faith and trust in you to do the same, to love him gently and unconditionally. All of this made you feel extremely guilty for lying to them. Here they were, opening their home and hearts to you while you were deceiving them every chance you were getting.

"Oh Lucy." You whispered and slung you arms over her shoulder as she leaned down to hug you as well. "I'd be honored to be your bridesmade."

"Good." She laughed as she pulled away. You saw that tears had begun forming inher eyes as well. "Now, I'm gonna go stop crying cause I don't want my face to be all puffy all day."

With that and a squeeze on you shoulder, she was gone, leaving you alone, crying in the kitchen. Everything that was happening just reminded you of how different your family was, how conditional. The more you witnessed the love between the Floyd's, the more your ind was flushed with the bad memories of your own home.

Though your tears and the echos of your past, you didn't hear Bob descend the stairs and enter the room. He saw you leaned over the counter with eyes closes, sniffling softly and he immediately dropped the wet towel in his hands down on the floor and ran towards you.

"Hey, hey sunny, what's wrong?" He asked softly. He had never seen you cry before, he doubted anyone from the squad had, so this caught him completely off guard. "What happened? Did you get hurt? Did someone say something? Did I do something?"

"It's nothing Bob." You turned you head tbe other way, not wanting him to see you cry. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine, you're crying." He whispered, placing his fingers gently under your chin and turning your head towards his. "You can tell ne what's wrong sunny." He cupped your face and began wiping away your tears with his thumbs.

"I just really like your family Bob." Your voice cracked in the middle of the sentence as more tears spilled out of your eyes.

" Oh honey." He moved his hands from your cheeks to the back of your neck as he pulled you into a hug. This was the closest you had ever been to him, and a little part of you was cursing you for being this vulnerable during this time. The part raised by your father.

"I'm sorry, you're supposed to be enjoying with your family, not watching me cry." You pulled away, much to Bob's dismay. "I'm sorry, just forget this ever happened."

"You know you can tell me anything right sunny, anything at all. I'm all ears." He said, trying to look into your eyes but you kept your head down, not having the courage to meet his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Yeah, I know." You sipped your hands from his grasp and moved past him. "I'll tell you some other time."

You moved to the stairs quickly before Bob could say anything else. Evey muscle in his body was telling him to follow you, to demand to know what's wrong and help you fix it. But having grown up around women had taught him it was better to leave you be for the moment. Even though his heart was hurting, he had to give you space.

Taglist:

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[drefear]

Art Reference pt. 2

Miguel x Reader

TW: Smut, rough rough sex, jealousy, pooty eating miguel is superior.

This was a request about reader being an artist and Miguel finding out that they tried drawing him naked and he says some sly shit about it, which results into the nasty nasty.

A/N: so it's not the bedroom mirror sexy, but it is some sweaty sexy with hints of jealous/possessive miguel. idk i wanted to combine it with the other idea I had. so i hope yall enjoy.

Part one here

The days since Miguel found your sketchbook we’re filled with relentless sex, constantly pinned under the gargantuan man and being his sexual relief. 

The Spider Society stayed business as usual.

At least to everyone else. 

But a few of the spiderwomen noticed something different about you. 

“Are those hickeys?” Jess asked, and your hand flew to your neck. Your face got a bit warm under your mask and you thanked the heavens that you’d just gotten back from hunting down an anomaly. She shook your head and laughed. 

“What? No no.” You denied and looked away, waving to Ben. 

“They look like hickeys.” She tilted her head and pressed on. 

“They are.” A voice came from behind you and you both looked up at Miguel, who was just standing there with a cup of coffee in hand, looking too relaxed for what he just admitted. 

“See, I knew they were!” Jess laughed and leaned towards you, making you edge backwards and laugh nervously. “So who are they?” 

“It’s Noir, right?” Another voice pipped up and you turned to see Pav sitting down next to you. 

Miguel’s face contorted as he watched you react. “Why would you think it’s him?” He asked and Pav smiled innocently. 

“Have you seen how Noir looks at her? And how much the two talk about her art?” Pav points to your sketchbook, opening to a page with both Jess and Noir on it. “And she’s always drawing him.” Your eyes stayed trained on Miguel as his brows creased with frustrations. His sights flashed back up from the page to you, making your body tingle a bit. 

“So I’m right, right?” Pav spoke up again and you just cleared your throat, gathering the papers and pencils you’d played across the table. 

“I-I have work to do, I’ll talk to you guys later.” You mumbled under your breath and ora tu ally ran away. Once you were gone, Pav puffed out his chest. 

“I’m definitely right.” 

Miguel huffed as he stood in front of his screens a bit later, grouchy as ever. He felt a presence behind him and glanced, seeing Jess looming in the doorway. 

“They’re your hickeys, right?” She concluded and he just grunted in confirmation. She walked closer and he stayed hunched over his desk, not moving his eyes from the moving screens. “Is it serious?” His silence was the only answer she got as she let out a pent up breath of understanding. 

You two hadn’t discussed what you were doing, you just enjoyed what was going on. Or that’s what Miguel was doing. 

He had no idea what you were thinking. 

“Does Spider Noir actually have a crush on her?”

“Of course he does, half of the spider people here do. She’s incredible and smart, funny and creative.” Jess went on about your traits and Miguel just found himself getting more and more upset. “But she’s spending her time with you. So don’t fuck it up.” Jess said and turned to leave, then added as she walked. “She might have others wanting her attention soon, so step up to the plate.” And then the motorcyclist was gone, leaving Miguel to his thoughts. 

“She’s right, ya know.” Miguel heard Lyla say and just groaned. He’d talk to you about it soon, he just didn’t want to say  the wrong thing. 

Two days later, Miguel had asked you to train with him a bit. He loved being around you and the two of you began doing mundane everyday activities together. To your surprise, MIguel actually had a sense of humor and smiled a lot when he wasn’t surrounded by people constantly chattering about things he found unimportant. 

So you two decided to go to the gym together. It was something you’d done before, so today was no exception. 

You started before he got there, moving to the weight rack and grabbing a few to start, slowly building up to a heavier pair. He walked in and saw you doing some squats with the weights and his eyes found something he wasn’t prepared to see. 

You had camel toe. And he loved it. 

Seeing the outline of your tight pussy made him bite his tongue to keep from acting out right here in the middle of his gym. The way you squatted and the lips moved slightly, covered by the blue spandex of your gym shorts made him lick his own lips. 

He moved in next to you and made himself a little area near yours, beginning to focus on his own workout routine. 

But he couldn’t. 

Not when every time you walked away, all he thought about was diving into your sweet pussy and tasting your juices mixed with the musky sweat you’d been working up since you’d gotten here. His eyes practically rolled back at the thought of eating you out right here on the bench press, and he tried to subtly adjust his gym shorts. Closing his eyes, he shook his head and stood up. He grabbed your arm and pulled you aside, bending down to whisper. 

“We’re leaving.” He announced and you were stunned, speechless. You’d been there for less than an hour, was he upset? 

You followed him out, not daring to question him, and let him take you home. The car ride was silent as well, and the threads of doubt ran through your mind like a wild cheetah. Had you done something? Was this it? Was this the moment you’d been dreading, when he finally cut things off and told you it was all a mistake? 

Meanwhile, Miguel was trying anything to hide his painful and obvious erection. You were either much more oblivious to how he felt about you than he’d initially thought, or being courteous so as to not make him feel embarrassed about being a grown man with a boner. He stomped into his apartment and stood by his dinner table, as you just shut the door behind him and waited to hear what he had to say. 

He moved to face you and pinched the meat of your hips a bit, then bending down to get on his knees and glancing upward at you. 

“God, I couldn't help it.” He moans and buries his nose into your clothed cunt. “You just look amazing.” His voice was splintered with lust as he begged. “I want to eat you out through these fucking leggings.” He lifted your hips and planted you on the dining table, licking against the middle of your pants. You gasped and leaned back on one hand as he rubbed his nose against your clit and you shook slightly. The middle of your workout pants were now soaked with his saliva, nipping the fabric with his teeth and sucking you through it. 

“Smells amazing, tastes amazing. Could see the outline of my cunt while you were at the gym.” He grunted, rutting slightly against the chair next to him. “Yeah, this is my cunt. Mine to lick and fuck, no one else’s, not even fucking Noir.” He hissed and you began to understand where this had come from. 

“Noir?” You questioned before sucking in a sharp breath while he put your spandex covered thighs on his shoulders. 

“Mmm, that black and white cabrón. He couldn’t handle this pussy, the way you clamp down on me and make it hard to fuck you. He couldn’t make you scream for hours, like how only I can. Solo mia.” Miguel rambled, as he did often hen he was in the process of fucking you somehow. “Just you, Miguel- fuck.” You nodded as your fingers found his hair and tangled into the roots. He let his claws out for a second before moving his talons and ripping down the center of the leggings, letting the cool air blow onto your exposed cunt. “So wet…” He marveled and bit his lip. You whined out and stared down at the shredded fabric in his hands. “I’ll get you new ones, just let me fucking have this pussy.” 

His red eyes looked as if you could swim in them, deadly and focused on you. You clenched around nothing as he continued to watch how your muscles moved, mesmerized by how needy you looked writhing on his table with your most intimate area in his face. His nose nudged against your clit and electric shocks sparked through your spine, making you arch your back in pleasure and a growl rumbled through his chest. 

“He’s too vanilla for you, isn’t that right?” He cooed and dragged a hand up your torso, then back down to your thigh by his head and sinking his claws into the skin, making angry red marks appear. You gasped and nodded with haste. 

“Yes! Yes, yes…” You repeated the word like a prayer as he smirked and languidly lapped at your folds. You felt gross, sweaty from your brief workout and letting him eat you out this way. “Miguel- wait-” You pushed his head a bit, now insecure, and he nipped at the skin in the crease of your inner thigh. “Ah!” 

“Are you trying to push me away, mi corazon? Don’t you want me to tongue-fuck you?” His hands gripped your thighs tighter and slid your squirming body back down towards his face. You mewled and nodded. 

“But- Miguel, I’m sweaty and-” 

“That’s what I want.” He stated, as if it was as plain as day and wrapped his lips around your heat once more, tongue shooting inside of you and exploring around to find where made you scream the loudest. His teeth grazed your clit and there was an inevitable snap in your core, making your eyes only see white for a moment as he groaned, feeling your juices flood his mouth. 

He pulled away and stood up, eyeing your out-of-breath form as your eyes met and he made a show of licking your cum off of his lips, then wiping his chin with the back of his hand. You shivered as he grabbed your wrist and pulled you up to meet his lips, tasting yourself as you kissed him gently. 

“I bet Noir couldn’t make you cum like that with just his mouth.” he smirked and whispered as you sighed happily. 

“Why do you keep bringing him up?” 

“Because you draw him a lot.” 

“No, I draw you a lot. I drew him to help me practice shading.” You clarify and Miguel feels himself get embarrassed as you finally put it all together. “Are you jealous?” 

“Well, I’m not- I don’t think I have the right to be jealous.” He muses, seeing how you’d answer and you hum a bit, smiling again. 

“You’re right. You don’t.” Your words leave him slightly hurt for a moment, until you continue, “unless you had feelings for me, which then it would be totally understandable to be jealous.” You watched how his eyes became amused and intrigued. 

“Oh yeah?” He playfully spoke as he lifted you up into his arms and moved to his couch, leaning you down and dropping you to the cushions. With the midsection of your leggings turned into ribbons, you sat with your core completely on display for him as he stood looking down at your body. “Well, now, if I did have feelings for you, would you reciprocate them?”

“I might, especially seeing how crazy and sexy you get when you’re jealous.” You pull his hands to make him balance on top of you, now caging you onto the couch with his arms by your head. “You think me tearing open your clothes and making sure you know that you’re mine is sexy?” He repeated, eyebrows shooting up in surprise as you laughed and nodded. 

“I think that you wanting me is sexy.”

“That makes sense.” He admitted and you laughed harder, not able to hide your enjoyment. “So. I like you, you like me. What are we going to do about it?” He mused and bent down further to capture your lips, but you moved to flip him onto the ground before he could make it to his destination. Straddling him now and staying close to his face, you bit his bottom lip with your teeth. Letting go, you grinned like a mad woman. 

“I’m going to prove that you’re also mine.”

tag list: @ruletarts @andyshitposts @thepowerthismanhasoverme @chshiresins @cellgore @sukioyakio @stinygirl009 @freshtoes

[seungkwanniee]

pairings : boyfriend!seventeen x gn!reader

genre : flufff

warnings : mention of food , reader is said to be shorter than Joshua and Wonwoo , cuss words , pet names

synopsis : when their s.o is that kind of shy person that he even needs to ask things for you

hyung line ,, maknae line

an : latest post flopped so HARDD 🔥🔥

〔masterlist〕

SCOUPS 』

he absolutely loves the way you get shy over the simple things

every now and then he is teasing you

but after he is showering you with kisses and hugs because he feels bad

when you two plan a cafe date, restaurant one or something like that, he is ordering for you without even asking

he doesn't even need to ask what youre having because he already knows what you eat and what no

in his eyes you are so small and pity (in a good way ofc) that he enjoy doing it for you

JEONGHAN 』

he LOVE the fact that you are shy

for him it's like you depend on him and he can take advantage of this

you pray him to ask a thing for you? well, he wants something back, material or not he doesn't mind

if you want to know how much that skirt costs when the price isn't writted down and you want him to ask, he wants at least a kiss back

yeah in front of everyone, he isn't ashamed but you are

he wants rewads for the work he does !!!

but joking aside, he would do anything for you he just likes to see you blushed for him

JOSHUA 』

how many times I need to say that he is a gentleman? HE IS THE STANDARD !

when he feels the sleeve of his t-shirt being pulled, he looks down at you almost worried

what is bothering his precious beloved? someone is hurting his precious baby?

when you tell him you want a thing, but you are to shy to ask he is the most comprensive man ever

'it's okay, i'll ask for you'

pats your head or pinch your fluffly cheeks

I think he would help you to pass over this fear

JUN 』

TWO SHY CATS TOGHETER AW

don't even ask how you two ended up togheter, you are one stranger than the other

so, yall must've got each other backs

before getting out of the car, you are playing rock paper scissors to decide who is going to order for both that day

somewhat, you always manage to not do it because he is too in love with you

you literally have him wrapped around your fingers, so he can't resist you

so you will just pull your puppy eyes and the game is done

HOSHI 』

he finds you TOOO cute

like, omg he is so in love with you that he would just kiss every part of you when you hide your face because of shyness

when he tease you, he love to see your ears going red

but suddently his became red too realizing what he said to you, he is shameless sometimes

he love when you are shy when someone say something that make you embarassed and you cling on his arm

and maybe youre hiding your head on his neck, he goes insane and his stomach is fulled with butterflies

WONWOO 』

you are the perfect partner for this man

he doesn't want you if you don't match his energy, so he will not judge if you got a shy behavior

he doesn't mind ordering for you, he loves it

so he doesn't pressure you to trying to do it for yourself as he completely understands you

and yes, it's a really hard thing so he would never judge you

'lovie, is that the one that you want?'

he lowers at your height so he can wishper into your ear

your hand is ALWAYS wrapped around his biceps so when you got so shy that you can't handle it anymore, you squeeze it

code message that himself proposed

WOOZI 』

this bitch is GLAD that you are shy, he doesn't think he could handle something else from his partner

soonyoung it's already too much

you are that shy, that at this point he is the extrovert in the relationship

he got it when you two were at yours frist resturant date and you were looking so nervously at the menu

you even started to bite your nails but you were shy even to tell woozi about your fear

but be observes a lot, and he could tell you weren't nervous just because it was one of your frist date

he reassures you while reaching your hand on the table to caress it

from now on, you don't even need to ask him to order for you

[flippinpancakes64]

How would the Cullens react when they meet a human with their last name who physically resembles them too much? And when they investigate it they realize that it is some kind of granddaughter or niece, And who is your only living relative?

I really love your writings!!!

The Cullens with a Relative! Reader

Thank you so much for the kind words!

This story is obv going to be with a platonic reader so just know that. And don’t come at me for the ages or specifics for family relations. I did not think about it so uhm… just get creative!

Thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy!

Edward:

His original name was Edward Anthony Masen Jr

Masen is not an incredibly common last name

So when the Cullens show up to a new school and he sees you, reddish hair and defined jawline with his last name, he gets a bit suspicious

He starts combing through every newspaper article and obituary he could

He eventually traces you back to his mother’s cousin

He has no clue what to do with this information

Eventually, he gets closer to you, helping you with school stuff, inviting you over to the Cullen house

After a while, he tells you about how you’re related

Which also means telling you about vampires

You take it all surprisingly well

Your family never knew what happened to Edward

The story had always been that him and his mother had died in the hospital but his body had gotten lost somewhere in the process

You’re also so happy to find another “living” relative

Y’all become best buddies

He’s happy to find out that you also love to play the piano

Family bonding ❤️

Alice:

Her name was originally Mary Alice Brandon

So it’s not like a super uncommon last name

She’s met people with the same last name as her before

But none of them looked so similar to her as you did

The small stature, dark brown hair, and striking similarity to her personality

She had seen a vision of you not too long ago

It was nothing special, just you and Alice going out shopping and hanging out

She didn’t know who you were at the time or what your significance was, but now she’s sure that you have to be related somehow

She talked to you for a bit, pretending to just want to make small talk

Eventually, you got to the part of your family tree where your great-great-great grandma was Alice’s sister, Cynthia

You, again, had heard stories about your great-great-grandma’s sister who went crazy and eventually died

And here she was, right in front of you, definitely not crazy

You two became inseparable

Going shopping together, watching movies, going to every class together, everything

Alice is so happy to finally have a piece of her family

She’s always been so upset that she can’t remember any of her human life

Being around you makes her feel more connected to that part of herself that she can’t remember

Jasper:

His name is definitely one of the most original ones

Jasper Whitlock (no middle name mentioned sorry yall)

He has never, in his almost 200 years of living, ever met someone with the same last name as him

So he’s already a little sus when he hears your name

And then of course the blonde hair and the piercing (scary) eyes, the resemblance is uncanny

He’s more hesitant to talk to you at first

He does all of his research online

He starts with his younger sister, and from there he follows her bloodline and finds you at the very end

He also sees that everyone else in your family is dead

Your parents died not too long ago, and you’re living with some family friends now

He feels really bad, so even though he knows he shouldn’t, he starts to get closer to you

You start to get your own suspicions when you start to notice how similar he is to you, too

The more quiet, reserved personality

The love for Alice

Alice ends up being the one to tell you that you guys are actually related

You’re so happy to have someone from your family again, even if he is your great-great-great-great-great granduncle

Your favorite thing to do with Jasper is just to sort of coexist

He sits on the couch reading a book and you sit on the other side crocheting while a movie plays

Rosalie:

Her name was originally Rosalie Lillian Hale

She’s one of the few who kept her last name while pretending to be human

She might have met a couple of people with the same last name as her

But to be honest she does not pay attention to the humans at the school

She’s not too fond of them anyway so why would she care

But one day she passively noticed the sub teacher call your name during attendance

And then she really looked at you

Blonde hair, strikingly good looks, beauty mark, and a constantly annoyed look on your face

Instantly, you reminded her of one of her little brothers, and when she got home that night she did some digging

She hadn’t thought about her family in so long, it was very bittersweet for her to look back through all of the obituaries, marriage licenses, birth certificates, everything

Everything she was supposed to be a part of

But now you’re here, and she wants to get to know you

Instantly, she takes on the older sister role for you

You two hit it off instantly

Bonding quickly over your hate for stupid people and your love for cars

She asks you so many questions about your family, what everyone was like, how everyone died

She’s so sad that she didn’t keep up to date with any of this stuff

But of course, before the internet it was really difficult to

When she learns that the rest of your family is dead, she begs Carlisle to take you in

She feels such a maternal instinct for you, even if you’re the “same age”

She wants you to be safe

And she wants you near her

You’re family after all, and that’s all she’s ever wanted

Emmett:

His name was Emmett McCarty

Again, not a super common one but not like super uncommon either

He has never noticed if anyone else had the same last name as him

And he didn’t even really notice you either

Rosalie was the one who pointed you out, and that’s when he saw the similarities

Same last name, dimples, dark brown reddish hair, super tall

He just approached you straight up

“Hey. McCarty was my last name before Dr Cullen adopted me and we look pretty similar, who’s your dad?”

Just super blunt about it

He’s curious, so why would he beat around the bush?

Together, you two trace your family tree back to one of Emmett’s younger brothers

And of course, he has to drop the news that he’s a vampire then

You two are attached at the hip after that though

You both love to go outside and run around, he loves to play wrestle with you

You’re like having one of his siblings back

It’s nice for him

Canonically, he watched over his family for a while after he was turned and asked Carlisle to drop some money off for them

So he obviously cared about them a lot

So he’s happy to have a piece of them back

He’s not happy that the rest of your family is dead, though

He is moving you into the Cullen house instantly

You’re his family, family watches out for each other

No way he’s letting you live in a foster home or orphanage

Esme:

Her name was Esme Anne Platt

Another one that’s pretty uncommon

But when she first sees you, he mind doesn’t immediately go to you maybe being related to her

She sees the similarities, the dark brown hair, the nose shape, the face shape

But she doesn’t necessarily connect it

After all, she didn’t have any siblings or any kids, so realistically her blood should have ended with her

But after a while of getting to know you, the similarities just become too much

She ends up looking into her father’s side of the family and finds that he had a brother she had never met

And of course, it traced back to you

Making her your seventh cousin or something

She doesn’t know what to do with this information

Similar to Rosalie, she’s always wanted a family

She was never able to have that, and as far as she knew, the rest of her family died a long time ago

She’s stuck between wanting to be close to you, to tell you the truth, but also not wanting to put you in danger

She remembers all too well the danger that Bella was in just because she was close to the Cullens

The idea of putting her own flesh and blood in danger scares her

I feel like it would have to be extreme circumstances for her to do anything

Maybe the foster family you’re staying with is pretty abusive or you’re about to die or something

Only then would she tell you

Selfishly, she wants to turn you

She loves you so much, you’re like a sibling or niece/nephew to her, she just wants you to be safe

And she can’t imagine living without you anymore

Carlisle:

His name is just Carlisle Cullen

Keeping it simple

Cullen is not a very common last name, but at the same time, he’s been so many places and met so many people

The chances are pretty high that he’s met someone with the same last name as him

But he can instantly tell there’s something different about you

Blonde hair, blue eyes, square jaw, and affinity for helping people

Not to mention that you remind him so much of his aunt on his father’s side

It’s easy for him to do the research into your past

He’s pretty good with that kind of stuff

He does end up tracing you back to that aunt, and he’s so happy

He never had any siblings (that we know of), his mother died during childbirth, and his father would have been more than ready to kill him

So he never got to feel very close to his family

He sees you as an opportunity to do that

He doesn’t tell you outright who he is to you

He prefers to just hang out with you

Showing you around the clinic, taking you into town, giving you life lessons that your father might have not done

I can see him taking on a fatherly role for you

He would be perfectly content with never telling you

The only time he would would be if you were on the verge of death and he turned you

He would be secretly so happy

He has come to love you over the months/years since he’s known you

You are his family, flesh and blood, and he doesn’t want to leave you

Yippee for family

Vampire! Bella:

Isabella Marie Swan

Talk about a weird last name

She’s never met anyone else with it

Admittedly, she hasn’t been around for too long, but still

So she’s shocked when she sees you for the first time, dark brown hair, brown eyes, perpetual look of discomfort

She almost doesn’t believe it

But then she does the mental gymnastics

Charlie’s brother who died forever ago, his kids, you’re probably one of their kids

Making her your second cousin

The smallest age gap here tbh

Nice change of pace

She also doesn’t know what to do now

She’s socially awkward enough as is

She can’t even begin to think of how to approach you with this

“Hey, did you have a grandpa who died before you were born in a motorcycle accident? Cause if so then I’m your cousin!”

Like yeah no she’ll pass

She can’t stay away from you for too long though

You guys are so similar

Similar tastes, dislikes, personalities, senses of humor

She loves hanging out with you

She doesn’t want to tell you about her being a vampire or about her relation to you, but eventually it just comes out

Oops

Oh well

She’s not mad about it

Now she can spend forever with you

[redr0sewrites]

Bestie, heard your cry for requests, no worries. Adam and Lute brainrot is real 😭. Perhaps something with Adam and Lute having this sort of crush on the gn!Reader who’s probably a member of the exorcist army. Like they both develop feeling for the person separately but once they find out, it goes into the direction of polycule? Love your writing and hope this helps!

THIS REQUEST>>>> EVERYTHING ELSE

🥀Cw: poly!guitarspear x reader, fluff

both adam and lute having a crush on you is definitely an accomplishment, and its both the best and most infuriating thing to ever happen to you

if you're in the exorcist army then you're def interacting with them alot, but no matter where you are in heaven there's always at least one of them at your side

adam would fall first, and he'd start shamelessly flirting with you

whenever you were training he would come over and bother you, he'd use the cringiest pickup lines and call you every pet name under the sun

adam lays it on THICK, he really wants you to like him

lute just couldn't understand why it bothered her so much- i mean, adam had flirted with a lot of people before, right? why did she care if it was you?

her feelings hit her like a truck

the two of you were just relaxing together, and she couldn't help but realize how truly beautiful you were

after seeing what adam sees in you, she lowkey started to get jealous

adam caught on pretty quickly that she liked you, and it soon turned into a competition of sorts

adam and lute are close friends, but when it comes to you, they definitely have a petty "rivalry" going down

adam will purposefully send lute away so he can flirt chat with you, and in turn lute will rat on him to sera about how he's not getting his work done

meanwhile you're just sitting there having a bi-panic over the two of them

eventually you sit them down and have a convo about how you like both of them, which eventually leads to them agreeing to share you

however i genuinely think that they both have feelings for eachother too, and those would probably come to light once the three of you are in a relationship

once you three are officially together, they both dote on you SO much

adam is definitely more outgoing, and his love languages are quality time and physical touch. in contrast, lute's a bit more private, and her love language is definitely acts of service through and through

this leads to interesting dates for the three of you, some nights you're all crashing at one of your apartments and bingeing shitty movies, other nights your going out to clubs and dancing your hearts out

adam is so cuddly, and while she pretends that she isn't, so is lute

yall def have full on cuddling sessions where you all just lay together (usually on top of adam)

yall have the cutest mornings together!!!!! lute is def an early riser, and she methodically gets up at the same time every morning

meanwhile adam is pretty much a wildcard, sometimes he'll stay up ridiculously late and end up sleeping in until noon, and then other nights he'll crash super early and then wake up pretty early too. then sometimes he'll just pull all nighters and you and lute will come downstairs to find him curled up on the couch

lute works out in the mornings and will probably go on a quick morning run before coming back inside and getting ready. she often will help you get ready and will lay out things you need for the day. adam is usually the last person ready, he's always begging for one more minute of sleep!

yall r literally just so domestic

yall split chores too, lute usually does the cooking, adam does the laundry and clears dishes/plates, and then you do whatever other chores that are necessary. you all rotate when it comes to cleaning tasks such as sweeping, mopping, dusting, etc and while adam will sometimes pout, he actually does clean up after himself

adam and lute are both protective in different ways, and everyone in heaven knows not to mess with you

adam is more of the jealous type, and will get protective if he thinks someone else is flirting with you

meanwhile lute is more of the "worried about your safety" type, and will get more protective if she thinks you're in danger

overall, yall are genuinely such a power couple and you really have a sweet, adorable dynamic

I WILL MAKE A PT 2 WITH NSFW HCS. ALSO PT 2 OF THE ADAM FIC IS COMING SOON I SWEAR IM SORRY FOR KEEPING YALL WAITING😭

[sunbleachedfl13s]

Your Alcoholism has Summoned a Vampire

(remmick x fem reader) (part 4/5)

BIG TW + cw: READER GOES ON A MASSIVE BENDER, h0rny dreams, very mentally unstable reader, non-glamorizing depictions of add1ction and depression, allusion to s3lf h4rm, remmick is a massive loser, reader is a massive bitch, no mentions of race

a/n: its angst time guys get ready!!! this is more of a mini-chapter, i was planning on making it a long one but decided to splice it up rather than having a massive gap between part 3 and part 4. anyway, ill try to get part 5 out asap, pls lmk what yall think your comments are keeping this fic going :p

word count: 1.8k

You’re alone.

There's a great finality to the sound of the door slamming. It was as if you'd finally fallen off the precipice you'd been teetering on the edge of for months. But it wasn’t till the waning hours of the afternoon that you realized what this meant.

Your father wasn't coming back.

-

Smoke burns the inside of your lungs, coating your throat with an ashy chalkiness as you take a long drag from your cigarette. 

You sit on your front porch, blowing tiny grey clouds into the murky air as the sun dissolves behind the mountains. With twilight steadily approaching, the cicadas began to sing, and a few fireflies began to rise from the dead grass, buzzing about your lawn. But they weren't the object of your attention. Your eyes stay fixed upon the treeline. 

You didn’t want to admit to yourself how much you were anticipating the man’s arrival tonight. It was as good as promised, considering the awful little carcass you’d found on your porch that morning. That had to be his doing, you were sure of it. 

His. It bothered you that you kept on referring to him that way, through impersonal pronouns. He must have a name, you conclude, everyone does. But had he ever told it to you? Had you simply forgotten? No, you couldn’t have. 

If he had told you his name you’d be trying to forget it right now. 

You squint, scouring the darkening thicket of Spanish moss trees for his familiar shadow. The distance between your porch steps and the beginning of the forest was just too far to properly make out any fine details. And the drooping boughs of tillandsia moss that hung from the branches didn’t make your searching any easier. 

To your dismay, nothing was lurking in the shadows. So, you flick your cigarette butt onto the lawn, shake a new one from the pack, light it, and wait. 

You sit on the steps of your porch for hours, and your confidence slowly fades with every hour that goes by. Not even a whisper of his presence crosses your path. All night, you chase a ghost that fate already knew you’d never catch. So, when the sun rises, as it always does, you find the only ghost that haunts your house is the shaky girl huddled on the stoop with cigarette burns covering her knees. 

And you realize that this girl is stupid, so stupid, for believing in ghost stories. For believing that she could be some special exception to the natural order, able to laugh in a demon's face and still have him begging on her porch night after night. For believing she was important enough to come back for. 

The screen door slams behind you, rattling coldly in its hinges. Your sleepless night has clouded the corners of your vision, your axis uneasy as you stomp down your hallway. 

He must’ve found some other poor soul to coax an invitation out of. Fresh blood wasn’t hard to come by. It wasn’t like yours was any different from anyone else's. 

You wrench a half empty bottle of mystery liquor from its hiding place in between your mattress. It tastes like motor oil, and you have to plug your nose to stand it. It’ll be worth it, you tell yourself. Right now, all you want is to go to sleep. To forget about how much you hated him for not showing, how stupid you felt, to stop thinking about why, exactly, you cared so much. 

You don’t remember falling asleep.

-

The world is blurry when you open your eyes. Your room is smothered in the night’s dark blue shadows, save for the thin stream of moonlight shining dimly from the window.

You’re lying face up on your bed, which is strangely devoid of any sheets or blankets. A bone rattling chill shakes you to your core, you’re freezing. You’ve got to stop stripping down to your underwear in your drunken stupor, you always end up regretting it later.

Your bedroom door creaks open, a pitch black hallway revealed beyond its threshold. Sitting up on your elbows, you strain your eyes through the suffocating darkness, and just barely make out the familiar shadow standing in the doorway. His eyes flare for just a moment, two ominous red pinpricks in the sea of blackness.

In your hazy, semi-conscious state, a muffled confusion is the only thing running through your mind. How could he possibly have gotten in?

You blink, slowly. You feel his nails digging into your shoulders before you even open your eyes. His outline is blurry, features nondescript, as if he was merely the concept of a person. The moonlight glints off the saliva coating his rancid maw of jagged fangs. His mutated gums were cracked and blistered, soaked in wet spit. It runs down his chin, and onto your face, like the nauseating slobber of a dog.

He pushes you into your mattress as he holds you down, his ragged, humid panting much too close for comfort. His face hangs low over yours, the air between you so damp and sticky you could barely breathe. His breath was hot against your face, spit like acid, teeth like ice against the paper skin of your neck. Fangs sink deep into your veins as you melt into the mattress. You lose control of your body, muscles dissolving under his weight. Smoke passes through your lips as you let out a breath. It clouds your face as you fall through the floor, closing your eyes. Cold air fills your lungs as you fall, flooding your veins. Your breathing deepens, smoke following every exhale. Your head rolls backward, eyes nearly following. You could lay exactly where you were forever. Bliss runs through you, slow and thick, and you fade in and out of consciousness, struggling to keep your head above water. From your place somewhere far away, you feel something cold and sharp slide between your thighs. You feel fingers flex and you let out a g-

You wake sharply with a gasp, shaking, tangled in your bedsheets and drenched in sweat. Amber beams from the afternoon sun flood through your window, dappling across the wooden floorboards. You look up at the door, which is shut, exactly how you left it before falling asleep. An empty glass bottle lies on the ground, the only remnant of what once filled it being the pulsing headache growing between your temples.

You gag, and stumble out of bed, throwing open your bedroom door and barely making it to the toilet in time for you to puke your guts out.

It was a dream. A stupid fucking dream. 

You sink down to the icy tile floor below you, elbows barely supporting your head above the toilet seat. A guttural groan creaks from your throat as you stare down into the vomit filled toilet bowl. This was pathetic.

Your subconscious was betraying you, bringing the desires you’d rather not acknowledge to light. Your fingers claw at the roots of your hair in anguish. You didn’t care, you tell yourself, you couldn’t give less of a shit about him.

Yet still, the hopeless little voice pipes up in the back of your mind.

“It’ll be nighttime soon… maybe tonight he’ll-”

NO. You dig your nails into your scalp. He wasn’t coming back. Just forget it.

“But what if-”

“God, won’t you shut up?!”

Your voice cuts through the silence, then settles. You wonder, for a moment, if you’d really said anything at all.

You stand, swaying on bare feet, and push down the toilet handle, watching the mess of bile and mucus vanish in a swirl of water. You shove your nasty, pleading, desperate fantasies into the dusty corners of your mind, to be forgotten. You didn’t care about him, you didn’t miss him.

Maybe, you think, if you kept on quelling your delusions with this lie, you’d start to believe it.

-

That night passes in claustrophobic silence. So too, does the night after that. For the first week, a childlike hopefulness burned within you once the sun set, and you found yourself sporadically peeking through your curtains at the thicket of trees just beyond your property despite yourself. Each time was met with rejection, a familiar landscape devoid of what you’d hoped for. Yet still, you kept looking for him. Night after night. 

Days blurred together in a sloppy mess of inebriation. You’d wake at odd times, sprawled on the floor, sticky with sweat. You threw every distraction you could think of at the gaping pit of emptiness that lay deep within your core. But liquor never lasted, and the cuts were never deep enough. Even masturbating on your bedroom floor yielded no results, besides a horrible cramp in your inner thigh.

Still, anything was better than facing your troubles sober. You went for every attempt at escape, no matter how fleeting. And now, without the obstacle of your father, your self-destruction could spiral exponentially. Nothing was left to stop you from drinking yourself to death.

In that first week of solitude, you played music every night. The same record you denied him nights prior spun round inside your gramophone all night. You cracked all the windows and cranked the volume to the max, hoping, stupidly, that it would act as some juvenile siren’s call, luring him back onto your doorstep. It never worked. So, after seven consecutive nights of failure, you shoved the record back into the cabinet and stopped trying. Why bother? He wasn’t coming anyway.

Once two weeks had passed, your few scraps of wistful longing had been totally replaced with bitter resentment. If you had it your way, you’d never be awake. And god, did you try. Drink was all you did. You were tired, so tired, and no amount of sleep ever seemed to help.

When you were conscious, there were always new cuts and bruises for you to find, new glass bottles lying shattered on the floor, new foaming puddles of puke for you to sloppily mop up. Once, you’d woken to find a succession of kitchen knives stabbed into the wooden planks of your bedroom wall, which you’d simply shrugged off before collapsing back onto your mattress.

After three weeks, the house started to smell. Of vomit, stale cigarette smoke, and the musky stink of body odor. Hygiene had never exactly been your top priority, but this depressive episode sure exemplified things. You were a decomposing corpse, in almost every way. All that was left was for you to die. Which, you hoped, would come sooner rather than later. Each time you opened your eyes was met with disappointment. Each time you drifted off to sleep, you passively hoped it would be your last. 

Eventually, you were granted your wish for apathy. After nearly four weeks of uninterrupted self destruction, he no longer plagued your every waking thought. Days bled into each other, congealing into a bleak, thoughtless, sepia toned daze. Sometimes you’d wake, your mother’s name fresh on your lips. You’d been calling for her in your sleep. You forget, in these brief moments, that she wasn’t breathing anymore, and you’d wander about your house aimlessly, wondering where she was. But reality always came crashing down, fueling your bender ever more.

Four weeks later, you lay on your kitchen floor, gazing up at the ceiling blankly. It’s night, again. The glow of the waning moon illuminates your tired home. Sometimes, you swear you could hear the walls breathing. 

It is then that you hear a knock at your front door.

part 5 coming soon

[tsumuus]

crushing on you | pretty setters i.

a/n short headcanons on if the pretty setters had a crush on you. only my fav three so far, will do the other three soon

characters atsumu miya, toru oikawa, keiji akaashi

masterlist

atsumu miya

you and atsumu had been friends since middle school

you were always one of his closest friends

someone he could rely on and have fun w no matter what

it wasn't until high school that he started to notice his feelings shift

he started to become more competitive around you

showing off 24/7

constantly teasing you

using humor to mask his feelings towards you

however he gets very noticeablely flustered if you tease him back

he starts becoming more attentive to your needs

offering to carry your things from time to time

but he does it in a way that seems so casual idek how

his eyes light up whenever you enter the room

he texts you a lot

usually nothing with to much meaning, he just looks for any excuse to talk to you

he invites you to all his games

he sits with you and your friends during lunch pretty frequently

but often gets lost in conversation with you that you two forget your friends are there too

he struggles with his feelings for months

not sure how to deal with em

hes so used to being confident, but this feeling is new to him

he confides in osamu first

osamu is quick to tease but gives him solid advice

just urging 'tsumu to be honest with you

toru oikawa

the two of you met during your first year

instantly clicking

like yall have the same humor and interests

he initially just saw you as a friend

but over time that changed

it was when he finally noticed how different you were from everyone else in his life

like your support and genuine care for him made him see you in a new light

he's more charming and filrty than he was in the beginning of your friendship

like he still has his usual playful demeanor but its accompanied by a hint of nervousness

he tries to impress you all the time

always looking at you to see your reaction towards anything he does

super protective of you

always checking in on you and stepping in if anyone bothers you

hes always finding excuses to be near you

whether its walking you to class of hanging out after practice

he sends you goodmorning and goodnight texts fs

along with random messages throughout the day

loves taking selfies with you

using it as an excuse to be close and capture moments together

he keeps his feelings hidden for a long time

afraid of ruining your friendship and appearing vulnerable

if he were to ask someone for advice it would likely be Iwaizumi

maybe even his sister

they'd both give him a reality check and encourage him to be honest to you about his feelings

keiji akaashi

you and akaashi have been friends since childhood

growing up in the same neighborhood and attending the same schools

hes always admired you for your kindness and intelligence

but he didn't realize his feelings were more than platonic until high school

he's always been attentive

but since he's realized his feelings, he starts to notice the little things about you

remembering details you mention, all the little facts about you and yoru life, etc.

he offers to help you with homework and projects

as an excuse to spend more time with you

he's known for his calm and compsed demeanor

but whenever he's around you

he becomes softer

smiling more often and showing a more gentle side of him

he likes to walk you home from school whenever he can

enjoying the quiet moments and your company

he writes you thoughtful notes and occasionally leaves small gifts

like your favorite snacks or books he thinks you'd like

gives you his full attention on everything

listening intently whenever you talk

offering the best advice or support when you need it

he keeps his feelings to himself for a long time

he fears being rejected and doesn't want to risk losing you as a friend

he eventually confides in bokuto

who is super enthusiastic when he tells akaashi to just go for it (he's seen the way you look at akaashi whenever he stops by akaashis class during lunch)

[eir-trixa]

WOTTG SPOILERS AFTER THE CUT

.

.

.

Can you believe Rick is validating me in my Percy-is-the-most-empathic-character take? I have legal basis but boi does it feel nice to have canon confirmation.

Second that book was short af I got the gist of it all while reading for like an hour.

Third, we addressed everyone else’s trauma. Percy’s still the group therapist LMAO 😭😭😭

Fourth, my son is such a good kid yall, this is why I lose five years of my life when someone insults or when he insults himself jfc my child.

Im honestly still processing and I have to reread the ending. Did it address Percy’s issues? Im going to go with “a bit” and call it a night. I mean, I guess it did? Percy got to unload and help Gale and Hecuba. We got an insight to how he’s managing to stay up and fighting and good despite all the shit he’s put into. Honestly the fact that he saw the humanity in Gale and Hecuba, that he saw their pain and grief and thats what made them trust him, that is so good. And the way he related to them. Goodness. And it highlights again how good a person he is, how much he feels and cares. I mean, he cried cause he had to send Mrs O Leary away, I cant with this kid-

I supposed what Im left unsatisfied with is how he still perceives himself as dumb? Baby, you survived San Fran for two months as a homeless kid without memories and pursued by different monsters who cant die. Youre the furthest thing from dumb.

He cant see this of course and while it was slightly addressed(?) by Annabeth telling him to his face that she doesnt give him enough credit, that he’s pretty smart, I dont think thats enough for addressing this particular issue. There was a time in the middle that he almost snapped because he thought Annabeth probably thinks him too dumb to know what to do next. Which I understand is frustrating to him. But to be fair this book made him look at Annabeth for a solution a lot. Theres also little comments about how when he cant think of anything - which is every 60 seconds apparently according to him- he looks at Annabeth. This doesnt help the co dependent allegations LMAO. Idk, I will die on the Hill that Percy is one of the smartest people in the series, not just emotionally but also in strategy. And theres, of course, nothing wrong with looking at the genius strategist for answers. Ive mixed feelings because definitely this is more of a Percy-insecurity issue than an Annabeth-being-bossy issue. But okay. One more book, heres to hoping we get more heart to heart on that front because Im 999998% sure she doesnt mean to make him feel stupid, Percy’s just got a lot of demons to fight but this in particular they need to figure out together. Still, its obvious how much they care for each other still. If only Dave and Hana did not piss me off at the start Id probably be a little more lenient about this.

Annabeth’s fatal flaw also makes a comeback, we love to see it.

And Sally Estelle Jackson. Now we have to find out wth is Percy’s middle name cause if Sally has one odds are she gave her son too. Trust me. Im Filipino. Iykyk.

Lastly, while I will forever and ever and ever support the trio from pjotv (theyre perfect and have done nothing wrong ever) I can see Rick’s injecting their personalities into the books. Im not sure if he does this on purpose or just subconsciously LMAO. Some of Grover’s dialogue is definitely inspired by Aryan. Percy being Lanky? Walker through and through, especially with his growth spurt lmao, and Annabeth’s confidence? All Leah. I can see what Rick’s trying to do. Ive no opinion on this, just pointing it out. I do love love love the live action. Just. I can see you Rick. You aint slick.

So there. I probably would need to reread the book properly at some point.

[jealousmartini]

for the s/o ask game: 🪽❤️‍🩹💭

i love hearing about people's love lives sm and your blog is so real

UghGGughh oh my gosh thanK YEWWW FOR THE ASK HUNNY

ᨳ⊹ ˖ ࣪ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM THE THE DR S/O ASK GAME! ⋆.🎀˚

   ── .✦  ┆  𖤐  ┆  ␥ 

🪽 — what is your s/o from? (made-up, media, book, movie etc…) and why did you feel drawn to them?

Now I can already sense the tension in the air for this question, and I'm gonna need yall to lay down the tomatoes so I can EXPLAIN myself alr..?... Katsuki Bakugo. NOW HEY HEY I SAID PUT THEM DOWN🫵🏾 LET ME EXPLAINNN☹️

To put it simply, his character has always intrigued me, confused me and entertained me. So much so that I found myself unironically wanting to understand him even after going back and forth with myself trying to figure out if i liked him or not, and countless times ive failed lmao. But! For some reason i still felt a need to get him, so no matter how many times i misunderstood him I kept trying

And so with the help of my curiosity for his character and my consistancy with the anime, other mha/bakugo enthusiasts opinions and headcanons, edits and fanfictions, I finally got it was because he is just so raw-ly and really him and how he naturally navigates in relationships, especially the ones he prioritises. Even with how canonly brash, grumpy, bullyish, and mean he is, and with how so many people are really hypocritical talking about "oh his character development isnt really development unless he changes his attitude towards people" and "he needs to change his personality in order for us to believe it is real improvement", as if the concept of nuance doesn't exist, he doesnt adjust to their opinions. (Not unless it is absolutely necessary which he DOES realise is the case in major parts of the anime which i LOVE him for being so self aware)

It is the way he never let anyone change him. Which IS bullyish, loud and cocky. He IS mean, kinda crazy and blunt. And deep down I fucking LOVED THAT. Because even with such an insane personality he doesn't let that take over, and his self awareness is strong enough to check himself when he knows hes in the wrong. And it's not like he's biased with the way he treats people because he treats everyone equally like for example: with the way he nicknames everyone by their appearance, quirk or personality in a way that IS kinda mean but if you get him, is actually kinda funny too. And he still doesnt let his ego get the better of him when he recognises someone as respectable and admits that is so. And even though it's not in a socially acceptable nice and sweet way which was what everyone wanted him to be, it was still equal. It was still somehow fair.

And ontop of that, it's not like he picks on people he doesn't even know (anymore). There is that obvious well needed change of charcter he had (which is part of his character development) and if you actually pay attention youll notice his maturity developed too. So when I tried to tell myself that I didnt like him in the beginning, I would still find myself respecting and admiring him because of how true he was to himself, yet still pushed himself to become better because he was still so self aware.

I then realised he was quickly growing on me. Because through his character development I learnt that "being better" doesn't always mean being what is socially acceptable, or "nice" which is always what is expected. And I then noticed how I never really wanted him to change his personality. Because I accepted that this was HIM and had the right to be him, without others trying to change him. And i unironically fuck with the way he is naturally. He who is not like everyone else in the sense that is he isnt "nice and friendly"; still has the right to move around and exist as he, is (which is mean cocky and brash) and does so accordingly and confidently, will ultimately earn my utmost respect expeditiously. And when it finally clicked me, I guess I kinda fell in love a little🫠🫠(im down horrendous).

❤️‍🩹 — what does your s/o smell like?

Smokey caramel and fucking vanilla😭😩😩 because of katsuki's nitroglycerin sweat, he always smells like caramel but it starts to smell burnt, smokey or like someone is cooking caramel anytime he uses it, depending on how bad the explosions are. It is so fucking funny to me how someone so brash, mean and cocky naturally smells like a bakery😭😭. At least he doesn't smell like cooked flesh though so 🤷

💭 — who was the first person you told after getting with your s/o?

MY GIRLS URARAKA, MOMO, MINA AND JIROU! (and somehow kirishima, denki, sero and deku found out...) first it was Uraraka I told cus she and I are like this though🤞🏾🤞🏾 It's been a thing that basically the whole class knows I have a crush on bakugo even though I have a naturally flirty and freaky personality with most of my friends JOKINGLY, but if you squint, it's apparently really obvious. And those bitches have been squinting real hard😒😒😒

[princesssmars]

holly jolly!

an abby anderson x reader based on my abby winter drabble !

wc : 15.718

contains : fluff, angst and smut . fxf relationship. fem!reader. switch! abby and reader. oral and penetrative sex. strap-on yippee. past abby x owen ewwww. owen hate bc i hate him and its funny. reader is a skier and abby does hockey! shitty dad for reader sorry girls. slight alcoholism sorry girls again. the reader is described as slightly tall i know yall been wanting taller readers. reader is kind of bitchy and abby loves it my fave dynamic (dynamic and pretty much the rest inspired by the little ruse go read it).

a/n : sorry i never got over my drabble guys. i dont know who exactly made hockey!abby but ive read em all so big creds to @angelkissiies @millersaurora @whatwouldsylwrite (and @eightstarr for calling abby princess) everyone else smoochies ily <3 made reader a skier because ive been obsessing over the olympics and i watched mollys game and thought it would be cool if i made a skier reader instead of a figure skater. ballerina next time if yall will indulge my delusions.

christmas has always been a bittersweet holiday.

you can remember the good parts from your childhood. picking out your first stocking with your mom. when your younger brother hid in the cupboard to try and catch santa. when your baby brother got cookie dough all over the kitchen, even on the ceiling. or when you were five years old and your dad gifted you your very first pairs of skis.

but it was hard to remember when the bad could get really bad. constant days spent out in the cold and snow, redoing your runs over and over until your legs burned and your back ached. your days that were supposed to be full of vacationing and fun instead filled with aches and falls and countless arguments once you realized you could start talking back.

some of the few friends you've had over the years tried to get you to focus on the good times and not the bad. that dwelling in the past wouldn't help you move forward. when you were younger you'd just call them assholes and move on, but recently it didn't seem worth the effort. that's probably why you started college with no close friends.

it was fine. you had your smarts, which helped you to get a full-ride scholarship when a skiing one fell through after a bad leg injury a few months back. because of that, your mom managed to convince your dad to get off of your ass for a while as you recovered. you had money thanks to your parents and you had your looks which would land you a hookup once in a blue moon.

you'd even made two acquaintances on campus, your roommate, tonya, who was pretty mellow and made sure not to bring the weed she smoked inside your dorm, and a girl named nora in one of your general ed classes whom you would partner up with often.

so yeah. it was fine. at least until the end of your freshman year.

you were running late for your ten am class, sleeping in because tonya had somehow managed to convince you to go to a small party with her last night and take body shots, and then when you were close to being drunk you saw one of your past hookups in the corner who you had dropped for getting way too attached way too quickly, so then you had to quickly find tonya and run back to your dorm-

youre in the middle of remembering ton's bird-like laugh when you nearly faceplanted into your front door when you ran full force into a hulking mass of a body.

the sound of them lightly cursing and asking if you were okay falls on deaf ears as you pick up your bag and hike it to your class, ignoring the stairs of the other students when you rush and plop into your seat.

luckily you manage to get yourself together afterwards, fixing yourself up at your dorm before heading to your next course with nora. as soon as you sit down she's teasing you about a video she saw of you getting wasted last night and you don't even have the energy to entertain her.

"well, instead of getting drunk off your ass again how about you join me tonight? one of my friends is on the hockey team and i got some nice ass tickets."

"c'mon, nora. hockey? seriously?"

"oh, im sorry ms. olympian, is hockey too good for you suddenly? just a bunch of women tossing a puck around too barbaric for you?"

"wait, you didnt say it was women's hockey."

"well, it is."

"..."

"..."

"what time does it start?"

at around five you're putting on a cute sweater and a puffer jacket before joining nora on the campus bus where she tries to quickly explain the rules of hockey to you in the span of five minutes. she asks how on earth you haven't been to one of the games or at least heard of the team's star breakout player. you have to carefully explain that you've had enough of sports to last a lifetime.

the indoor arena is packed, and you have to roughly squeeze and push multiple people out of the way to get by. nora starts laughing and tells you to leave the violence to the players and you brush her off. (for some reason she constantly loves to tease you.) when you both finally sit in your seats, you notice that they're behind the glass where the team players get out onto the ice and sit for breaks. nora suddenly bangs on the glass behind a player wearing an ANDERSON 20 jersey. the girl stands up and turns around and good god.

you weren't the shortest girl yourself, standing a couple inches over most girls you knew, but jesus she was easily almost six feet tall, and big, even if her jersey and gear probably made her look larger which really didn't help you focus. you liked the contrast of it with her face, bright, cute, and red from the cold as she talked to nora through the plexiglass. you were just about to admire the shape of her nose when her slightly unnerving blue eyes turned to you.

"hey, i recognize you!"

your brows pull in a deep scrunch.

"from this morning, you bumped into me and nearly knocked me on my ass."

"oh my god, i had a feeling that was you!" you hear the familiar noise of nora laughing at your pain. "jeez, how drunk did you get last night?"

"would you just- look, im sorry about earlier. i was hungover and rushing to class."

she smiles and shakes her head. "its chill, dont worry about it. nora, are you going to that party at derek's frat after? i swear he was begging me to come but i wasnt too sure."

"abby, everyone asks you to go to their parties and you never do! live a little." nora pauses before wrapping her arm around your shoulders.

you knew she was about to say something to piss you off.

"even little y/n here is gonna come and properly apologize to someone for once. isn't that right, hun?"

great.

"well, that wasn't my plan for tonight. at all." you say before picking up your giant hockey-themed plastic cup and taking a sip, hoping the chill of your slushie numbs out the rest of this conversation.

abby adjusts some of her straps and her helmet before resting her hand on the glass, noticing how the rest of her teammates are getting ready to go out on the ice. "well, i'd really like to see you there. is there any way i could convince you to come?"

"i don't know, is there?"

"how about... when i win, you come to the party with me."

you couldn't help but roll your eyes so hard they hurt. leave it to nora to be friends with the walking cliche of an arrogant sports player. you could've been spending this moment in your dorm watching a dumb hallmark movie about a businesswoman falling in love with a farmer while eating chips and drinking a self-indulgent capri sun.

"and if you lose?"

the announcer over the loudspeaker called for the game to start and the players started making their way onto the ice. abby winks at you before turning around and joining the rest of her team.

"trust me, i won't."

you scoffed and flopped back into your hard seat, sucking almost angrily at the bright red straw in your slushie to ignore nora's look.

"are all of your friends that annoying?"

"kind of. thought you'd enjoy it though. birds of a feather."

not bothering to entertain her, you focused on the game that was starting in front of you.

you could understand the basics of the game; one team had to get the puck into the other goal several times until they won. you had a brief understanding of some of the other rules, mostly because your father explained every winter olympic sport to you in great detail when you were twelve. it became so boring at one point that you fell asleep and banged your head on the coffee table, startling the both of you so much he decided to let you go to bed.

but as the game goes on you have to admit that anderson is frighteningly good at what she does. she moves gracefully and quickly on the ice, so well you think to yourself that if she ever tires of hockey she could seriously pursue ice skating, but when an opposing player gets too aggressive with her she returns it with force. she's like an avalanche on skates.

when the game ends you can't tell whether you're shocked or agitated. your team won in what nora called a 'total fucking landslide', the bright 6-1 lighting up the scoreboard like a smack in the face. it felt slightly awkward that everyone around you was yelling and celebrating while you were sitting statue still in your seat.

nora could probably sense your discomfort and gently pulled you up, telling you that the both of you could throw your things away before meeting up with some more friends of hers before heading to the party.

so awesome.

her friends were nice enough, a psychology student named leah and her boyfriend jordan who was some type of biology major. they seemed happy to meet you but happier to make googoo eyes at each other and go to the party, which meant you most likely wouldn't see them again once you got there unless you stumble upon the two in a hallway closet or bathroom. there was also mel, a nursing student who seemed slightly closed off but agreed with you when you mentioned this party would probably be loud and gross. a bunch of athletes celebrating a win is a recipe for disaster.

"finally, the campion herself arrives!" jordan cheers and raises his bag of chips up to abby who's walking up to your group, wearing a simple college sweatshirt and some black sweatpants. for something so basic she makes it look good, and if you didn't have any integrity and weren't pissed off about this party bet thing you'd tell her so. but you are pissed off and still have about half of your integrity, so you keep your mouth shut.

when she bumps into your shoulder with a 'told ya i'd win' you're about to reply with a snarky remark when a tall man with dark blonde hair and another with tanned skin and brown hair come up beside her and raise her up on their shoulders, chanting 'anderson, anderson!' on repeat. you look to nora who just rolls her eyes and tells you that she'll introduce you in the car.

you're all split into two cars, with you riding with the two strange men along with abby and nora. they tell you the guysin the front seats are owen and manny. also that they've all known each other since they were teens which definitely doesn't make you feel like an outsider. but manny keeps trying to joke around with you so you don't feel too awkward which you can appreciate. even if you don't really laugh.

when the car stops at a giant white frat house you arent surprised in the slightest. you were about to prepare yourself for another night of drinking and finding another hookup when abby throws her arm over your shoulder and decides that she likes you enough to spend most of the night by your side.

she walks with you to get drinks and then leaves to go celebrate with some other friends while you sit and nurse your drink for a while. it leaves you some time to think, asking yourself why you're acting like you're trapped here when you could just leave whenever you want, but you don't understand why you don't. maybe it's because you'll use any excuse to have a good reason to drown out your problems with alcohol. or because you're lonely but don't feel like admitting it.

after around half an hour she comes back and sits on one side of you while you talk to nora and joins in. she asks about your major, if you're from seattle, and how you met nora. after a while you stop rolling your shoulders when she asks a new question and settle into conversation with her. and after a few hours you learn more about her too, that her dad is a neurosurgeon and she's following in his footsteps with her pre-med major, but that as soon as she tried hockey she knew she wanted to do it forever. she tells you that she doesn't really like drinking, she knows most of the people on the other women's sports teams, that she used to date owen-

you choke on a sip of your vodka and nora pats your back with a chuckle. you were definitely off your game tonight. but besides that hiccup you have to admit talking to them is enjoyable. even their friend manny comes over and dares you to do shots with him and you were seriously about to do it before the girls talked you out of it.

over the next few weeks, you talk more and more to the anderson girl, to the point where you're staying up at night to talk to her over the phone and waking up to your roommate giggling in your face. once she was so tired after a game she started snoring and you would not let her forget it. just like she wouldn't let you forget the time you got wasted at a sorority party, got on top of the kitchen island, and danced to a city girls' song before she set you back on the floor.

you wouldn't ever admit it out loud, hell you had barely admitted it to yourself, but you had started to catch feelings for abby. there was nothing more mebarrasing and cliche to you than falling for your straight friend, and you really didnt want to be on eof those girls who did so. but in your defense, it was really hard not to. she was annoyingly pretty, lord knows how many times youe admired the freckles dusting her cheeks down to her shoulders. she was strong and smart and every other positive character trait your brain could conure up.

but the worst thing was just how nice she was to you.

in hindsight, the way everything fell into place was honestly the dumbest thing ever. you were at a county fair leah had heard about and asked you to come with her along with jordan and abby. obviously, the couple went in their own direction after a while, which left you and abby to wander around getting on the different rides and getting your reaction to abby eating her first-ever funnel cake. but then it was later, and the two of you had stopped at one of those rigged pop up games and you bet her twenty bucks that she wouldn't win, and if there was one thing you knew about abby it was that she took bets very seriously, so when she won and had to pick her prize you were a little confused when she picked your favorite animal and handed it to you.

when you asked her how she knew it was your favorite, all she could say was 'you said they were cool a few times and they're your profile picture on your private instagram, so i just put the pieces together.'

you went home and didnt talk to her for a week. or at least you tried to, because after a weekend of ignoring her calls and convincing tonya to bring you meals from the lunch hall the blonde girl banged her fist on your door and basically demanded you tell her what your problem was.

"i don't see what the big fucking deal is. i'm allowed a little bit of space from you, abigail."

she scoffed and you could see her tongue bunch in the corner of her mouth before her body pushed past yours until she was standing in the middle of your room.

"i'm not saying you can't have space and you know im not. i mean, one second we're having a good time together and then you just shut me out for no reason. if i did something wrong i need you to tell me. i can't read your damn mind, y/n."

sometimes it feels like you can, you think with a snort, feeling slightly embarrassed by the angry look on her face. you collect yourself and cross your arms over your chest. "i just don't feel like talking to you right now, so if you could please get out now-"

"nope. not gonna leave until you tell me what's wrong."

sometimes you could forget just how damn stubborn she was. it mostly popped up on the ice, and you had once overheard her coach say that if she wasn't such a great player she'd be benched most of the time.

"do you realize how annoying you're being right now?"

"don't care."

"i don't give a shit if you have muscles, i can still kick your ass."

"i'd really like to see you try, princess."

you groan and cover your face, but not before raising them in a choking gesture. you walk backward and sit on your bed, trying to take a breather before anderson follows you and resting on the ground in front of you, her large palms smoothing up and down your thighs.

"please, y/n, just...just tell me what i did and i'll fix it, i promise."

you've never been one to cry. or maybe you had been when you were a young child before your father taught you that 'crying doesn't achieve success, at least not the kind you want.' but you can see how much abby cares about you in her eyes and you know that despite you being unreasonable she'll put up with it anyway. your eyes start to sting and you rest your head in the crook of her neck.

she doesn't force you to say anything more than you want, rubbing the expanse of your back while another hand gently pats your head. after a long minute, you pull your head up and find that the space between your two faces is almost nonexistent, your eyes dart from her eyes to her lips, and before you can say anything else her hand is on the back of your neck and she's bringing your lips down to hers.

its soft and sweet and her lips are soft and feel like heaven against yours, and she doesn't give you a second to be confused about what's happening because she's making the kiss deeper and pulling your body closer to hers by putting her arms under yours and pressing you in by the back of your shoulders. you throw your arms over her shoulders and behind her neck and decide that you're going to enjoy this moment for as long as you can.

but eventually, you need to breathe, pulling your head back and letting out a shaky breath of air when abby just moves her ministrations to your neck, sucking and biting on the skin until it bruises.

"i..i thought you were straight." is all you can manage to voice, the feeling of her body pressed into yours and her teeth nipping at your neck making your mind hazy.

she laughs and kisses your neck a few times before looking you in the eyes. "well, i never actually said i was, you just assumed so."

"seriously? you dated owen? he's the dullest straight girl choice i've ever met. and we live in washington" you scoffed.

"yeah, well. that was a long time ago. i've moved on to bigger and better things."

she plants a big overdramatic kiss on your cheek, repeating so on the other side of your face until she can see your smile and hear you giggle. when you both calm down a little she backs up and wears a more serious look on her face.

"i care about you. more than i've cared about anyone before." she smiles, her thumb rubbing over the back of one of your hands. "except maybe my dad, obviously. and nora, she was kinda my best friend before you. but you get what im trying to say."

you laugh and nod at her. "i understand. i...like you too. a lot."

"geez, you're seriously emotionally stunted. but i'll take what i can't get, you'll warm up to me eventually." she slaps her hands on your thighs, ignoring the annoyed look on your face before scooching your body up until you're laying down on your bed, her body gently flopping down onto yours.

"abby! get the hell off, you're wearing your outside clothes!"

"cmon, just five more minutes."

and as much as you complained during those five minutes, you both knew you didnt mind that much.

after that things were really nice. at least for the most part. you were officially abby's girlfriend, which she had asked if you wanted to be the day after you two semi-confessed your feelings. she knew that this kind of commitment was new to you, and the last time it didn't go so well for her, so you both decided it'd be best to take it slow.

(slow meaning you did everything you two did before with the added bonus of making out whenever you wanted. you weren't complaining.)

but keeping things on the down low was a bit of a struggle. abby was a huge fan of pda, always found hugging one of her teammates after a successful game or cuddling with someone on movie nights. she would hug you when you were just friends, but now that you were comfortable with her touching you more in private it started to bleed into public life, her hand looking for yours when walking around or giving you a kiss on the cheek after you aced another test.

the next problem was your friends. you had told nora over a late night phone call while manny had found out when he had walked into the living room of his and abbys shared dorm and found the two of you with your shirts off and kissing on the couch, shouting in both spanish and english about how his eyes burned but he was happy for you both.

you both knew you could trust the two of them with your 'secret', but you didn't expect that end-of-the-year party owen and manny decided to invite you both to.

it was a mix of things really. you were going to just spend time with your friends and nothing more, but you were feeling really pent up. when you and abby decided to take things slow, that also meant sex. which at first was all right with you, hookups were a lot different than sharing yourself with someone you really cared about. but abby was just so effortlessly hot, and now since hockey season was over she had more time to spend with you and it was driving you up the damn wall. it got to the point that you found yourself nearly always on the brink of an orgasm when after a long day she'd press you into her bed and kiss you until you felt dizzy.

so when she decided to go to the party in a tight long-sleeved top and a normal pair of jeans, you definitely should not have been all over her as you were.

(to be fair. she was also on you like white on rice. you had decided to don a tube top with a mini skirt, figuring it couldn't hurt to dress up a little for a simple party. especially since it made your girlfriend look at you like she wanted to eat you alive.)

after mingling a bit and getting yourself a drink, you meet up with some of your friends and start to talk to leah about some drama in one of her classes when abby rejoins you, moving your body so your body is resting into hers. you aren't used to such a public display of affection, but this alcohol is blurring any desire you had to hide that she was yours and you were hers.

"god, you guys are so cute together it makes me sick." nora laughs into her red solo cup, shaking her head at your adorable but annoying affection.

leah's eyebrows scrunch up and she starts to pinch at your arm. "wait, am i missing something? you two are dating?"

at that point, some other people were listening in and looking in at the two of you, including none other than owen moore. now, you and moore were always cordial, but you wouldn't call him a good friend like you would the others. you always felt that whenever he saw or heard about you abby spending time together or heard about how close you two had gotten so quickly, he would smile silently while staring at you like he wanted to burn lasers through your brain.

and he was doing the exact same thing now, his grip on his bear so tight you feared the glass would break. somehow you were the only one who noticed.

"yes, we're together. finally managed to convince this one that jocks aren't just big dumb idiots a few weeks ago." abby's talking breaks you out of your thoughts, her arms snaking around your waist and pulling you to sit on her lap.

you cant help but roll your eyes. "i never once said that."

"well you were thinking it. i could tell."

some of the people who you didnt know and who were friends of friends said congrats, how cute they thought the two of you were, etc. it kind of weirds you out to have all these people paying attention to you just because of who you were with, but abby's quips to any weird remarks you didn't want to acknowledge made you feel better about anything.

but later on, when the two of you are unseriously dancing in the living room, owen comes over and asks abby to talk in private, leaving you to dance with some girls you recognized from the last party. but after three songs pass and abby still hasn't come back, you get a weird feeling in your chest and decide to go looking for the two. you head upstairs and down a few hallways before you hear two voices in a heated argument, and after numerous visits to her games, you can recognize abby's yelling anywhere.

before you can knock on the door to ask if something is wrong, it opens and you see a red-faced owen, not even saying anything before he knocks into your shoulder and goes back downstairs, clearly ignoring your call of 'fucking dick' to his back.

you scoff and shake your head, turning back around to say something to abby before you slightly step back at the look on her face. its dark, like if owen didn't leave she would have kicked his ass first, and now it's trained at you. you know she'd never hurt you, though. partially because she cares about you too much, and partially because you always keep a taser in your back pocket whenever you go to a party.

"abby? what's wrong? did he fucking say something to you?

she laughs before grabbing your arm and pulling you into the room, shutting the door behind you and locking it. her long legs take seconds to reach the bed, her arm releasing when your body sits and bounces slightly on the bed as she stands above you.

"its...its nothing, just owen being a dick like always."

her voice is strained and her hands are tensing into fists, telltale signs that she was really pissed off. you hold her hands in yours, pressing little kisses to her knuckles. normally you hated being so sappy, but you knew that being cute with her was a quick way to calm her down.

"don't worry. i can guarantee one of these days someone is gonna kick his ass. unless i do it first, and you know i want to." you joke and smile when she laughs, gripping her hands so she can sit on the bed next to you.

"yeah, youre right."

"im always right. you should learn that if you wanna stick with me."

she shakes her head before looking at you in silence, and you feel your face get hot under her gaze. you'd never admit it to her but seeing her so angry really did something for you. the bottom of your leg rubs against hers, and her eyes dart down before trailing up your legs to the point where your skirt is starting to ride up your bare thighs.

"here, babe? seriously?"

you sigh, figuring she was right and having your first time together in some stranger's house during a party was horribly tacky. you start to move your leg before she grabs it and puts it on the bed before grabbing you and resting you in her lap.

"i didn't tell you to stop."

so yes, you did get tacky in a strangers house. and back in abby's dorm. and again after you both showered.

so if there was one thing you could ever thank owen for, it was finally giving you both the push you needed to take the next step in your relationship. but after that night things were a little strained, as abby and owen were on a no-contact basis, their fight having something to deal with them and maybe you although she wouldn't go into details, which just led to this drama also spreading to mel since she was dating owen and was always pretty neutral when it came to you and tense when it came to abby, and mel was close friends to leah who was now close to you and...

it was complicated.

but you were used to not having people around. you had abby, nora, manny, and tonya, and that was all you really needed. speaking of tonya, you don't think you've ever seen anyone as happy for someone else's relationship as you did when you told tonya that you and abby got together. she said it was 'half happy that you found someone for you and half happy that someone will finally get the stick out of your ass.'

but your bliss was partially broken when your mother called a week after you had your last finals to let you know she and her father were going to be visiting seattle to talk to you about something important. at this point you hadn't talked to either of your parents since winter when your dad had not so discreetly told you he would be on your ass about skiing again as soon as your leg was alright again. and you were definitely going to dread every minute you had to spend trying to cordial to them, don't even mention finally introducing them to your girlfriend who you so far had never told them about.

for a few days after the call, you must have been acting weird because abby could tell something was wrong and took you to a relaxing little cafe she had found when she first got to the city. you're sipping on a milkshake while abby does the same across from you, digging into her stack of blueberry pancakes, waiting for you to tell her what's going on while she talks about her schedule now that school is out.

"manny's gonna be gone for a month because of his music internship, so i was wondering if you wanted to come and stay at mine while he's gone. we can watch movies, dance to music, or we can practice those recipes i saw on tiktok."

"mhm, that sounds nice, babe." you continue to at least show minimal attention to what she's saying, briefly slurping at your shake until she speaks again.

"yup. but after that, i might have to leave for a while, i haven't seen my dad in forever and he wanted me to stay for two weeks while my aunt is visiting salt lake."

her words slowly die out when she notices how you stop slurping your drink, your eyes staring into space as your thumb scratches at your palm.

throughout your relationship, you had told abby the rundown of your relationship with your parents maybe once. at first, it was because it was a touchy subject and you would be embarrassed if she knew the reason for the way you acted the way you did and thought your baggage was too much for her.

and then it was because deep down you were jealous. they had their ups and downs, but abby had such a pure relationship with her father that sometimes it made you sick. while he didnt flaunt his wealth because of his principles, but abby would tell you about all the times when she was younger that her dad would give her the best birthday parties, take her with him to conferences around the world, and made sure she had anything she desired.

so when you had to tell her that the most your dad did was give you a break to be a normal adult instead of shaping you into a champion, you don't think there was ever a time that you secretly envied her more.

"this is about your dad, isn't it?" she whispered, reaching across the table to take your hand in hers. you nodded, relieved that your girlfriend could read you like a book and you didnt have to say it out loud.

"could you tell me more about it?"

shit.

you sighed, a deep breath leaving your body and clearing your head.

"my parents are gonna be here soon. said they wanted to talk to me about something "important", which means my dad thinks i've had enough time to recover from my leg being nearly snapped in two because he thinks he knows better than the doctor. but hey, maybe when i was gone he got another fuckin degree to throw in my face."

while you ranted abby never said a word, just paying close attention and providing you comfort. out of everyone in the crew, she was always the person people went to talk to when they needed it. she said it was something she got from her mom.

"all my life he's been like this. just pushing me and pushing me until im at the point of breaking until i use my anger to win. there's no doubt he's still doing it. heard my brother is being scouted at his games and he's only fifteen."

abby nods and presses a kiss to your hand, treading carefully with what she says next. "your dad sounds...horrible, honestly. he never...hit you did he?"

you feel your body jerk back and both of your eyes go big at your reaction.

"no, no he would never. im serious. wouldn't make sense from a logical standpoint, id be in front of other people all the time and any injuries would fuck up my skiing."

"well that's a bleak way of looking at it, but im glad he didnt. but the other shit is still bad."

"yeah. definitely not looking forward to dealing with that again in two weeks."

"i know, but im here, and im gonna stick by you every step of the way, alright? even if your parents find out they hate me and curse my bloodline."

you couldn't help but snort at her. "nobody could hate you, anderson. you would annoy them too much and make dirty bets against them."

"what? that wasn't a dirty bet! you'd just never seen my skills before and i used it to my advantage."

"whatever you say abs."

abbys reassurance and patience helped greatly, and by the time you met your parents at their hotel for breakfast, you weren't nervous about whatever bullshit they had to say.

but for some odd reason, they were very cordial. your mom asked you about school, how your grades were, and how you liked your chosen major. when it got to the point if you were seeing anyone, you not so subtly gushed about abby and she seemed really happy for you. your dad even praised you for picking another sportsman, avoiding your look while he ate his eggs.

a week later you even had the courage to introduce them to abby, who told you she would cook something for all of you to eat.

that tiktok recipe she was talking about? it was ratatouille. and you had to admit it was delicious, and you wondered how abby was so good at so many things and she told you when she was a kid she wanted to learn how to do basically everything and her dad was more than happy to indulge her. sometimes you really wondered how she didn't appear to be so spoiled.

but your girl was nothing if not a charmer, and by the end of the night your mom was gushing over how much she liked abby and thought she was a great match for you.

your dad was...your dad. he acted polite, asking abby about her intentions, if she was dedicated to her studies and sports and you at the same time. blah blah blah. abby gave perfect human resources-like answers that she knew would make you giggle and loosen up.

once dinner was over your mother insisted on staying a little while longer to watch a movie, finding out she and your girlfriend both had soft spots for mamma mia and grease and planned to drink some wine and let loose for once. while the two were watching meryl streep panic on screen your dad tapped you on the shoulder and asked if he could speak to you in private, and you were mentally prepared to get into yet another argument.

"i know i'm the last person who gets to say this but..you've seemed to have really grown this past year. I'm proud of you."

"thanks. i guess."

he sighs, shifting on his feet. "i know i've always been hard on you and your brothers. i just-i knew that if you had guidance you could be phenomenal at whatever you do."

"yeah, dad, but that doesn't mean forcing me to train for ten hours a day when i was still in third grade." you could list more instances of him being overbearing and partially ruining your childhood, but you don't feel like being the person who makes the conversation go sour.

"i know. trust me, i know. look, your mother has us going to a shrink and...one of the steps is asking for forgiveness and whatever mumbo jumbo."

you almost snort but pass it off as a sneeze. your dad in therapy was about as believable as a talking donkey.

"well, it's nice to hear dad but it's not gonna be just as easy as being nice to me and my girlfriend for a night."

"i know. which is why i wanted to show you this."

he pulls out and his phone and after a few taps shows you an article. you read the word 'olympics' and nearly blow before he cuts you off.

"just listen, alright? one of the big coaches was caught and fired for doping a bunch of the players, so they're postponing the winter games for another few years for investigations to see if there's any more misconduct."

"are you serious?"

"deadly. and i know with your leg and your schooling you'll have your hands full but, i figured the best way i knew how to bond with you was to help you. it'd be enough time to get extensive physical therapy and train up. but only if you want to."

"dad, i. i really don't know what to say."

"you don't have to say anything, at least not now. just promise me you'll think about it, alright? and if by next spring you still don't want to, I'll never bring it back up again."

after that, your mother comes and says they should get going to get enough sleep for their flight tomorrow, and you bid your parents goodbye with stiff hugs and a genuine smile.

for the next few months into your sophomore year your on the fence. when you were a kid, despite the pain and the tears and the bruises, there was nothing you loved more than skiing. you swear that the adrenaline rushes you would get speeding down slopes were better than anything you've ever experienced, even sex.

(when abby heard you say that one night on the couch, she pouted and wouldn't touch you for a week, telling you to go back to those stupid slopes if that's how you felt.)

but the point was that you were basically going through a beginning life crisis. either stick with the new normal you've created and potentially miss out on fulfilling your childhood dreams, or take a risk and potentially come out more damaged than before.

you were planning on spending the next thanksgiving mulling it over, but to your shock baby invited you to come with her to her dad's house for thanksgiving with her family. when checking in with her to see if she and her dad would be ok with this big step, she told you it was actually her dad's idea and she'd be more than happy to have you meet her family.

you swear to god you have never been more nervous on a plane than you were on the flight to salt lake, only being soothed by the constant free drinks you get in first class, the six hundred page book in your hands, and abbys large hand constantly rubbing on your thigh and back. you suggested that you both join the mile-high club as a joke and she seemed a little too into it.

"babe please, i promise ill be quick. i can even put my fingers in your mouth."

"abby, i was just joking. im not gonna do that and get kicked off the plane. god, you're so fuckin weird."

"you make me weird. pretty please? ill pull out the puppy eyes."

"i really don't give a fuck."

and you come to find out that abby's stories were true because her dad is so weirdly nice. he greets you at the airport like he's known you all your life, and is eager to find conversation the whole drive to his house where you both are staying.

you were glad that like you abby had a smaller family, or at least one she spent thanksgiving with. after her father you only had to introduce yourself to her aunt and her small family, a husband who you have to look down at and likes to boast about his coin collection, and three children. the eldest, ashley, was closer in age to you and abby and was clearly abby's favorite cousin. the middle child was a wild child named kris, who didn't seem at all phased that you were a stranger and kept asking you if you'd ever heard of their favorite anime series.

now, you've never been the best with children, you repeatedly told your mother to throw your baby brother in the trash when you were six, but you couldn't help but fawn over abby's baby cousin lyle, the cutest infant you've ever seen who after a few hours of fussing because of the time change, he calms down into a smiling drooling little thing who, although he keeps tugging at your hair when his mom hands you to him, seemed to actually enjoy your presence and laughs like its the funniest thing ever.

you didnt catch the way abby looked at you fondly while you were playing around with her cousin or the way she swatted her father away when he called her out on it.

so thanksgiving was easy, a peaceful week full of meeting kind people and eating some surprisingly good food. but you didn't even get a week of peace after before abby brought it up.

christmas.

yes the holiday was full of joy and warmth when you were a child. but after a mini teenage rebellion and your energy you just...gave up on the holiday completely. last year you spent it alone inside your dorm which wasn't the worst thing on earth. you got to watch corny feel-good movies like national lampoons, drink hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, and had free reign to the library since the librarian apparently used to watch your games on tv. it wasn't like it used to be, but it was enough.

"so, you're coming with us to the cabin right?" nora reaches across the library table and takes one of your fries from the fast food you sneaked in. for some reason she refused to order her own fries, content to pluck the ones from your container.

"what? what cabin?"

"god, abby hasn't told you about this by now? i thought she would have taken you there already and made it her love shack or something." she quickly ducks her head when you toss a burnt fry at her, looking around to make sure no one saw. "it's her dad's cabin at one of the ski ranges in the mountains, she invites us every year for christmas break or new years if we can't make it."

"first, you're a perv. second, i don't know why she hasn't told me about it. id probably tease her for it anyway."

"well when you see her next ask her, because you definitely have to come with us this year."

"i don't know, nors. you know how i feel about skiing right now..."

"you don't have to ski! we literally never do, as sad as it is. we just hang out, go out for drinks, and hit the skiing town. im telling you cold resort parties are insane."

you take a minute to mull it over, staring into space as you tap your fingers on the hardwood table. nora fingers tap on the top of your hand.

"i understand you're going through things, with your dad and all. you don't have to come if you don't want to. but i know we'd really enjoy it if you came, especially abby."

you nod and eat another fry before gegging back to the novel you were reading, some 'all-time classic' abby had said you had to read.

you saw abby a few hours after that, yet again staying the night at her dorm to kick off the following weekend. when you entered using your spare key the smell of chinese food instantly hit you, and it took you by surprise since abby normally insisted on cooking for you and manny.

you set down your things and kicked off your shoes before heading into the little kitchenette, hearing the sound of rather loud whispers that stopped as soon the roommates saw you, noodles stuffed into both of their mouths.

"what the fuck are yall starin at?"

manny snorts before making some weird excuse for leaving, telling you he's meeting up with some meteorology student at a bar and he won't be home until tomorrow. you bid him. a quick goodbye before turning back to abby, the blonde picking through her food.

its only then that you notice the gauze wrapped around her palm, quickly cross the threshold to gently but firmly raise her hand up to your face to observe it.

your about to go on a triade when you see that sad pout on her face.

"tell me who did this to you." you grumble, putting on a fake deep voice.

she chuckles and shakes her head. "you're so weird."

"only because of you. tell me what happened."

"i was trying to cook before we ordered takeout and i just...got distracted and burned my hand. its not a big deal, don't worry about it."

you tell by the way her shoulders were tensing that she was getting into one of her moods, always hating when she failed at something and hating even more when people kept asking her about it.

"well im always gonna worry about, something that's also your fault by the way. what made you distracted."

"nothing."

"abs."

"please just drop it."

"abigail."

she groans before slumping her head into her arms on the counter.

so you decide to drop it. at least for a little while. you put away the rest of the food, deciding to eat the box she bought for you after her mood had been resolved before figuring you'd leave her alone while you took a shower.

but if there was one thing you knew about abby, it was that she took 'golden retriever energy' to a whole nother level. aka most of the time she couldn't leave you alone and followed you near everywhere. after only a few minutes, you heard the shower door open and felt her large arms circle around your waist and her head rest on your shoulders.

"i wanna ask you something. there's this cabin my dad owns that we all head to for winter break and stuff-"

you felt your heart skip a beat. to be honest part of the reason you were nervous about abby asking you this was because you were second-guessing yourself and your relationship. you hadn't even been together for a full year at this point, and even if you knew you loved her and that she adored you, you didnt want to be the one to bring up this thing she does with people she's known for years and get your heart damaged.

"and i wanted to invite you to go with us because i just know youd make it feel so much more special."

"i feel like a 'but' goes at the end of that sentence."

she rubs her head into your shoulder more, kissing at the soft and wet skin of your shoulder blade.

"i didn't tell you much. about my fight with owen. but everyone knows we haven't been talking much, but he's still been my friend since elementary, and i was hoping that maybe during the trip we could resolve things. but if he ever said something to you or about you i think id go fucking crazy."

your turn around and hold her head in your hands. her body is still slumped so her head is more at your level and her pretty blue eyes stare right into yours.

"i appreciate that. your slight anger issues make me feel honored." a smile quirks on her face and she nuzzles her head into your palms more. "and as much as he pisses me off, i don't know how i feel about causing a greater rift between you and your friends. ive only been with you less than a hear, he's known you for-"

"year or not doesn't matter. you mean...so much to me i can't put into words. the only reason i was nervous all day was that i didnt know how to make this sound like i wasn't putting him before you because i wouldn't. ever."

you look at her a bit longer, swiping away wet pieces of her hair back from her face so you can see all of her. because she's looking at you like she can do the same.

you both take an intimate shower without a word, helping the other bathe and lather her hair in apricot shampoo she's become addicted to. once you exit, dry off, and change into some matching fluffy pajamas she bought for you both, you finally head back to the kitchen to eat your food before turning on a movie.

it was only because you both decided to choose some random movie that the stupid thought crossed into your mind.

"could you imagine if we were that touchy all the time? we're already halfway there and it drives your friends nuts." you poked her cheek while you were resting on her, her arm wrapped around your shoulders while your legs intertwined on the couch.

"what do you mean?"

"just like, overdoing it. always with an arm around the other, making eyes across the room. if you wanna get extreme you could carry me on your back."

"or i could carry you on my front."

the shift of her hips and the tone of her voice makes you turn your head to look at her, nearly busting out laughing at the way her eyes are glued to the screen while she chews on her lower lip.

"stop doing that."

"doing what? im watching the movie. watch the movie with me."

"this is just like on the plane. y'know i was kidding about the exhibitionist thing at first-"

"baby, please."

"please what?"

she groaned while you just giggled at her, moving your bodies so she was sitting up on the couch and you were on top of her, adjusting your hips so you were straddling her waist.

"what're you thinking about, bunny?"

a subtle whine escaped from her throat and you smirked in triumph. there was nothing your girl loved more than being called the softest and cutest pet names, and you would frequently use it to your advantage, like the time when she refused to help you cheat on a test 'on principle' and you rested your face on her thigh from under the desk with a 'please, princess?' and she happily gave you the answers after roughly grinding herself on your tongue.

"i just...maybe if we played it up at the cabin owen would finally fuck off and realize im yours. i just thought it'd be funny."

you felt a warm feeling in your chest at the thought, showing your girl all the affection she craved from you on an idyllic vacation while also showing that dick owen who's boss. maybe then he'd finally let whatever his issue with you go. or not. at this point you didnt care.

"ok. we can do it."

"what? are you serious? i was half joking. i don't wanna make you do anything you don't want to-"

you cut off her sweet rambles with a press of your lips to hers. her arms brought you in closer until your breasts were squished into hers.

when abby texted the group chat the next morning next to you in bed to let the others know you'd be joining, you couldn't help but feel warm at the replies.

manny : thank god, i need a drinking partner since no one ever wants irish hot chocolate

leah : because the last time you made it you got drunk by five pm and kept singing baby its cold outside while doing both parts

jordan : and badly

manny : haters

nora : omg thank god

nora : this is all because of me btw

nora : tell y/n we're gonna have sooo much fun

manny : wait is she gonna ski

jordan : stop.

you giggled at your friends' antics. you were already imagining all the crazy things that would happen on the trip and happily listened to all the stories abby had to tell you.

mel : cant wait for the trip! hoping ben's is still open.

owen : 👍🏻

a snort escaped from you. "oh hes so pissed."

"definitely." abby agreed before turning the phone off and snuggling into your neck to relax for a little while longer. "prepare, he's probably just gonna get angrier from our masterful plan."

"technically my plan. and are you sure you still wanna do it? i don't wanna drive a wedge between you guys."

"he started that at that party. either he's gonna deal with me changing for the better or im gonna leave him in the dust. now shush, im going to sleep."

your hand smooths through abby's locks as she drifts back into sleep, and you soon follow her into it, dreaming of pale snow and the sight of the slopes.

the nex two weeks before break starts you're horrifically busy, finishing up some tests while also buying and packing everything you'll need for the trip. which is really just an excuse for you to get a bunch of those cute thick sweaters you saw on ebay but that's neither here nor there.

once your last class was finished abby immediately called an uber to take you to the airport, citing that as the host she always headed to the cabin earlier than everyone else to fix it up and stock up on little things, everyone would need or forget like extra blankets and lots and lots of water. during the trip to the airport, waiting in the airport since you were both 'get there hours before the flight' girls, and on the flight itself, abby was telling you stories of the cabin and what has happened on the past few trips that you should know about.

apparently, the cabin (in aspen, which you teased her was so basic) was bought by her grandparents (more teasing) for family trips when her dad was little. but as his siblings got older and started their own families the trips dwindled down, until his parents decided to just leave the place to him, telling him not to sell it for anything since it was worth a fat load of cash by now. hed take abby and her mom there before she passed, and then once she turned sixteen told her he trusted her enough to bring her friends up there if they could.

"honestly, i think it was part of him being nice and feeling sad we didn't spend much time together then. we were still mourning and he was always working." she sinks into her first-class seat, sipping on her complimentary ginger ale can. "but we're better now, and i get to have a laid-back vacation with my friends every year."

"sounds like a win-win to me. traumatic way you got there and all."

"you of all people saying that is hilarious, truly."

a few hours of talking and napping later and you've landed in colorado, a rental car waiting for you in the airport parking lot.

"abs, you are so secretly bougie. like, why didn't you rent a private car that time yours was in the shop and we were stuck in the rain downtown?"

"it's for emergencies and the necessary."

driving through the roads of aspen snowmass is something close to magical. at this point, the sun has set and the twinkling lights of the villages are everywhere, and you can see a plethora of christmas decorations inside shop windows.

when abby parks outside of the cabin your jaw is close to dropping, and you have to hold it up once you step inside. there was obviously a lot of wood, making up the floors, walls, and beams that connect both. but it was also decorated with relaxed brown and cream furniture.

"i want you to know if we get married, im not signing a prenup."

abby cackles before sneaking up behind you and tickling your waist, cackling at your shriek followed by a scowl.

"'if' babe, really? nice to know you're so committed."

"i'll be more committed if you give me a tour of this place."

the cabin was big, of course. enough bedrooms for your whole group and a few more. you honestly couldn't pick your favorite. there was a game room with a pool table you were just itching to beat jordan and leah at, a hot tub outside on the deck looking down onto the village that looked like the perfect place to drink champagne with nora talking shit about her recent ex.

"now, this is what i really wanted you to see," abby smiles before pushing open a wide set of doors on the upper floor and revealing to you the grand bedroom. there's a giant bed against the back wall, with a warm little nook tucked into a bay window.

"it's so nice here abs, really. i can't wait for everyone to get here so we can start doing stuff." you drop your bags by the front of the bed and flop your behind onto it, loving the way it bounces you up and down a bit. and you can tell that abby also loves it by the way she's staring at the way your boobs jiggle.

"im glad you like it, baby. but we don't have to wait for the others to get here to have some fun." a pervy little smile lights up her face and she starts inching towards you, making stupid little grabby hands as she does so.

"you're insatiable. aren't we supposed to be making sure this place is ready for everyone else?"

"wasn't it your idea for us to play everything up for fun? that includes sex. a lot of it. strap-ons are allowed on planes, by the way. and other things."

"...seriously?"

"seriously."

at this point, her arms are caging you into the plush of the comforter, and you don't know whether to look at the veins in her arms or her eyes or her mouth-

"you're staring, pretty."

"well you're all i can see, gorgeous."

she presses a soft kiss to the underside of your chin, her tounge poking out to lick down your neck.

"god, abs, please."

"please what?"

you groan and she just laughs at you.

the hardest part of being a switch was that abby could just throw shit back in your face when she became more dominant. it was both infuriating and arousing.

“im not gonna say it."

"you sure?" her large hand slips beneath the band of your pants until its resting over your underwear, teasing you.

"yes i a-am!" your refusal is cut off when two of her thick fingers slide inside of you, filling you up in the most delicious way. it doesn't help your case that there's no restriction, the wetness between your thighs letting her know just how much you were enjoying this.

"y'know, your master plan isn't exactly gonna work if you have an attitude with me, baby." her words are gravelly as she speakes into the crease of your neck, occasionally looking up at you to ingrain your reactions into her memory.

"god, abs."

"this is one the things i love most about you acting like a brat, just means i get to fuck and love on you until it goes away. and i've got all the time in the fuckin world."

just when you start getting close to your orgasm, you could've sworn in the distance you heard the sound of a door opening before closing a few minutes later. the feeling of abby kissing you and adding a third finger inside of you. you decided to just drop it

later on, after a nice long shower and putting on this cute warm sweater you bought, you and abby decided it was time to head out and get enough groceries to last for around two weeks until everyone else would arrive and decide what meals they would want after. it was very entertaining to watch abby standing in a fluorescently lit market aisle decide if she wanted to make a giant chicken pot pie or some creamy chicken soup one of her teammates told her about. she just stuck her tongue out when you looked at her.

once you returned to the cabin you could hear some music coming from inside the house, and despite your initial worry abby just smiled and rushed inside, your brain seriously wondering if you had chosen correctly romantically.

you headed inside with a few of the bags, setting them on the kitchen counters before heading to the source of the music that appeared to be coming from the living room. once you cross the threshold you are happily surprised to see your girlfriend and manny talking and laughing in the middle of the room.

"ah! nice to know abs hasn't broken you already." manny comes over to give you a big hug before setting you down and shaking your shoulders, just laughing when you start smacking his hands.

"jeez, what is with you guys? be normal."

"you forget im abby's roommate. this is because of you. you gave me this trauma."

you roll your eyes before patting him on the shoulder.

"ok, ok. why did you come early? when do the others get here?" abby asks from her place still on the couch.

"what, i cant just come because i love and miss two of my best friends."

the room is silent as you both stare at him.

"well just so you know, that was half true. but also," he looks down a dark hallway before tugging you closer to the couch so he can speak quietly. "mel and owen are here."

you blink. "thats...odd."

"very odd, but maybe it's a good thing? who knows, maybe owen's gotten over the whole fight and wants to put it to bed." abby turns to you, those big blue eyes filled with hope that you don't have the heart to squash with a joke.

"yeah, maybe."

"well if he did do that, i don't think he's in the mood for it now." manny chuckles.

"why not?"

"he was confused to see a car in the driveway, so he came by two hours ago and left like two minutes later. his face was as red as a tomato, you know how he looks when he's flushed."

oh my god.

you turned to abby and her cheeks were puffed, a clear sign she was trying not to laugh.

well, it looks like your plan was already working.

the next three days were more laid back, just spent taking a chance to relax and sleep in after your grueling semester. you decided to spend these days exploring more of the cabin, admiring all of the rooms and the random really pretty art pieces on some of the walls.

you swore that nothing could beat the bliss you felt on that second day, waking up to the faint sun in your eyes and abby gently snoring next to you, deciding to cook up a bunch of waffles, one of the meals you excelled at, and read a four hundred page book on the sofa.

(the plan was still in motion at this point, just more tame.

once jordan, leah, and nora came things really took a turn for the exciting. after hearing that you'd been cooped in the house these past few days, leah insisted you come with them to some bars and other hot spots around town. you hadn't been drinking much lately but figured that since you were surrounded by people you trusted and a bunch of strangers you'd be able to handle yourself.

and you did.

for the most part.

you just weren't expecting the bartender to be the chillest girl you've ever met and make a killer strawberry daiquiri, because before you knew it they were playing some old-school song over the speakers and were hanging off of leah's arm like a koala.

"oh my god, im so glad you invited me out. this place rules. have you tried the daiquiris? serenity said she'd make me one more but you can have it."

"her name is trinity, and you're getting touchy. where's abs?"

you shrug and she shakes her head, looking over your shoulders to see if she can spot the hulking blonde. she waves someone over and then abby is in your vision, a soft expression on her face as she tugs your body into hers.

"how much have you had to drink, baby?"

"mmmm, not too much. i could walk in a gay line. look, i even made a corny joke!"

"yes, you did." she squats down a little bit and you wrap your arms around her neck and your legs around her waist, trying to restrain yourself from making any noises when she lifts you with ease to the amusement of some of the people in the bar.

"how about we head back and take a long bath, pretty. ill even try those rose face masks you bought."

you were about to agree when out of the corner of your eye you catch owen, sitting inside a booth with jordan and manny, sparing looks in your direction.

you smirk down at her and she can already guess what you're thinking, tightening her grip on your hips.

"or we can do that later. and dance now."

you nod and loosen your legs for her to drop you but she just holds you tighter for a moment, leaning her head up to place a heated kiss on your lips before pulling away, fighting to ignore the tiny string of spit that connects your lips to hers.

"ok. now we can dance."

abby told you the next day that owen had asked to talk to her one on one in the morning and she didn't really understand what it meant. he apologized for lashing out at her, apparently, but still didnt agree with some of the 'drastic changes to her personality' that were happening lately.

you really tried to promise her that you wouldn't cuss him out, telling you she'd handle it later after having a conversation with manny to figure out when the hell he started acting like this.

focus on tried.

you and nora were in the kitchen that night making cups of hot chocolate, taking the chance to top them with all the stuff you weren't allowed to as a child. also probably increasing your risks of cavities, but whatever, it was nostalgic. you were laughing at the absurd abundance of whipped cream in her mug and the three candy canes in yours when you heard footsteps coming into the kitchen, looking over to see owen looking over some things in the fridge.

you looked at nora. she looked at you.

"so owen, how are things going with mel?"

his hand pauses over some leftover noodles, gripping it with a fist.

"we're great actually, thanks for asking norsie."

noras eye twitches, bumping into your shoulder before leaving the room to rest in the kitchen and wait for you before starting a movie.

owen turns and suddenly its just the two of you. staring at each other. you with a three-caned hot cocoa and he with a tupperware of linguine.

"what's your fucking problem."

his eyebrows shoot up, almost like he wasn't expecting you to actually bring up the tension at hand.

"y/n, is this really the time-"

"yes, it is the goddamn time to ask you why you've been acting like a dick to me and my girlfriend."

his mouth quirks downwards and you nearly laugh at the realization of the words, the glances, how he would look at abby sometimes like a kicked puppy even when his damn girlfriend sat on his lap, it was all because he couldn't move the fuck on.

"seriously? that's the reason? you've been putting me, putting abby through hell because you're still hung up over her? this is my worst gay nightmare."

"it's because ever since she's been with you shes been different, always acting like she's some better person now that she's over me. like i was the thing holding her back. how do you think that makes me feel, huh?"

you stare at him after his quiet outburst, his face that signature shade of pink and his eyes enraged. but he doesn't scare you.

you walk closer to him, entertained by the way she avoids you like the plague, and presses his back into the refrigerator. you want to lash out more, to scream at him until your throat is sore, to whisper all the little flaws about him you've noticed over the past year that are driving everyone away, but you won't.

"i hope it makes you feel like the heap of shit you are. goodnight, moore."

when abby feels you snuggle into her later that night, feeling your hands squeeze into her stomach from behind you, she asks if everything is ok, and you press a kiss to her cheek and tell her to go back to sleep.

the next morning it's christmas eve, and everyone is in the dining room eating breakfast and talking about how everyone somehow has no plans when you make a suggestion for the day.

"i wanna go hit the slopes today."

you swear most of them look at you like you've grown another head that just started trying to sing the tequila song.

manny continues chewing his eggs before giving you a thumbs up, but you can tell he's secretly been waiting for this. after you first met he asked you if you've ever skied again after your accident and then dropped it when you gave him a death glare. but since you've gotten closer he knows more about how it's not that you can't ski, but almost as if there was a mental block that stopped you from doing so.

"uhm...sure. i can see if we can do that. are you sure you want to?" abby rests her arms on the table and leans her head into yours, trying to give a sense of privacy for your answer.

"i'm not made of glass, abby. it's about time i get back out there. its the only way i'll known for sure about what my dad said."

"what'd your dad say?" mel speaks up from the opposite side of the table, her hand rested over owen's on top of the wood.

you straighten your shoulders. "some stupid doping scandal got the olympics postponed, and my dad said if i wanter he thinks he could get me back in shape by then to apply."

"holy shit! i mean, it's your choice obviously, but that's cool as hell. i think you should do it." jordan exclaims, sipping on his orange juice through a straw.

"wait, what about your leg? you've only had problems with it a couple of times, but is it alright enough to go ski?" nora asks. she was the one who besides abby you've told the most about your skiing problems, and once took you to the pharmacy to pick up your pain meds like it was no hassle.

"it's better if i don't push myself too much, but the blue and reds should be a piece of cake."

you look at abby, and even though she has no idea why you've had this sudden change of heart, she can hear the subtle excitement in your voice and nods her head at you with a smile.

thanks to everyone always waking up at the break of dawn for some reason, you're checked in to the slopes and ready to go only three hours later. jordan and manny even decided to join you and try their hands at the bunny slopes, the rest of the group deciding to find somewhere to sit and relax while they watched you all.

"mama please, you're embarrassing me." manny groans while you tilt his head from side to side to make sure all of the straps for his helmet and goggles are secure. you weren't about to have him getting a concussion and blaming you for bringing him here or the workers for their sloppy job.

"no one knows better ski safety than me. now shush, I'm almost done."

once you were finished you gently smacked his head and headed to the side of where the slope ends, abby beaming at you from over the rail. she was wearing this cute little beanie she bought for the trip and this all-black bomber jacket that made her look so much bigger than she already is.

"hello? babe, did you hear what i said?" abby's hand waves in front of your face bringing you back to focus. you slowly blink and she shakes her head. "you're so weird."

"again, i get that from you."

"whatever." her gloved hand rests on your face and she brings you closer so she can press a soft kiss onto your lips. when she tries to pull away but your arms are wrapping around her neck and pulling her body into yours, starting an impromptu makeout session before jordans wolf call yanks you out of it.

her fingers reach up to push a strand of hair back into your helmet. "are you sure you'll be ok up there? if your leg hurts just pull over to the side and i'll try to come up and help you-"

you cut her off with another kiss. "i'll be fine, princess. don't worry about me. just worry about all those losers I'm gonna show up."

she laughs that cute and loud little laugh of hers and sends you off, waving to you multiple times when she sees you go up the lift.

once you are at the top you go over everything again, making sure all of your equipment is snug, the track in front of you is good, and your skis are tight and before you know it you're standing at the top of the slope breathing heavy and feeling like you're about to have a panic attack.

your head feels like it's on fire and you swear that you are close to passing out when someone taps on your shoulder. you turn around and it's some teen by his face unobstructed by the goggles, a go-pro attached to his helmet.

"hey, sorry if i'm being annoying but, you're y/n l/n right?"

you nod, hoping he can't see the strained expression on your face.

"i just wanted to say that i think you're like, so cool. i saw that video of you training for the super g at thirteen and it changed my life, seriously."

your head felt a bit better at the memory. the adrenaline you got skiing down slopes at top speeds and then dodging the flags your father asked the owners if he could put on the track to help you train. they were nice people, and even let you pick what flags you wanted. a mix of pink and black.

"thank you. i swore that training took everything out of me. but at least i didn't have to worry about how i was doing in algebra."

he laughs and bobs his head. he clears his throat before slightly hopping on his two feet.

"you ok, kid?"

"yes, yeah, i just... ya see i have this youtube channel where i post videos of me riding down the slopes, helping beginners, trying the harder slopes, and stuff like that." he taps the go bro on his helmet. "and i was wondering if you wanted to do like, a friendly little race? i don't know, you don't have to i know you're leg is probably still healing, i can just go if you wa-"

"i'll do it."

his eyes bulge, surprised at your answer. you have to admit you're slightly surprised too. you weren't planning on doing anything more than inching your way down the intermediate slope a few times, but the memory of the super g has energy suddenly rushing through you. besides, it'd be a nice distraction from everything else. your dad. owen. you.

when you both get to the edge of the slope, you let him know you'll give him a twenty-second head start before you follow. he nods, and a few seconds later you're skiing for the first time in years.

and it feels fucking great.

at the speeds you are going the wind is whipping across the unprotected parts of your face, the stinging cold keeping you focused as you turn around trick hills and get your legs used to the feeling of slight strain. but your legs feel fine, and that makes you feel even better.

before long you can see the kid ahead of you and your friends in the close distance, nora's red coat bobbing up and down as she cheers for you. only five seconds after you pass your fan and can hear his slight spluttering before you're bringing your skis to a stop and the ice is flying from underneath them.

your heart is pounding as the kid, who tells you his name is aidan, thanks you for 'kicking his ass, i swear it'll get so many views". he tells you he'll tag you, and you do him one better by saying you'll follow him back and you're a little scared he's about to have a heart attack before he leaves to check in with his parents.

"oh my god oh my god oh my god! that was so fucking cool! i really thought you were gonna wipe out there for a second but I'm glad you didn't." leah squeezes your body in a hug rocking you from side to side. "are you gonna go again? if you do i swear I'll put on some skis and go down the bunny slope."

you throw your head back with a laugh, imagining leah slowly going down the snow while pizza and french frying her skis. you bask in the compliments given to you by nora who was watching the whole time and manny who tells you he successfully completed the green slope with no falls or bumps. you feel the urge to talk to abby, to have her tell you she's proud of you when you see her near one of the equipment cabins, talking to owen.

"are you gonna go again or do you wanna stop for the day?"

you look at nora with a grin. "yeah, i'll go again."

later that night, after a few more hours of racing your friends and even seeing a few more fans who recognized you, even one lady who said she remembered you based on your form, everyone is headed back to the house to end the day after getting some drink from the community lodge

for some reason, abby hasn't talked to you since, and based on what you saw you're preparing for the damn worst. a small part of you knows you might be overreacting, that there's no way she would fall for the bullshit more had to say to her, but her avoidance of you isn't helping that little part take charge.

like she could read your mind, she's on your tail and following you into your bedroom, taking off her clothes as you do the same but still no word before you head into the shower. under the heat of the water, you rest your head on the wall and close your eyes to try to center yourself. you know abby, you know how much she's done for you. owen wasn't going to get in the way of that and you refused to let him.

you dry yourself off, brush your teeth, moisturize your body, and decide not to put on your pajamas and just this cute robe abby bought for you before leaving the bathroom. after turning off the lights you stop in your tracks, abby sitting on the side of the bed and staring at you.

your feet slowly carry you closer to her before she rolls her eyes and tugs you onto her lap. your face is neutral, even when you can feel the bulge inside of her sweatpants. you tilt your head and she replicates it.

"let me guess, you got an attitude again?"

"you're a fucking hypocrite."

"wh?" her face jerks back in confusion. "what are you talking about?"

"don't play fucking dumb with me abigail. biggest personal growth moment for me in forever and you spend it talking to your damn ex, who if you didn't catch it is still hung up on you, by the way."

"i know, just let me explain-"

"no, i don't want to know. if you're just doing all this as some fucked up way to let me down gently i swear to god-"

you get cut off when one of her hands moves from your waist to cover your mouth, her eyes drooping when you nip at her palm.

"stop it. you know i wouldn't do something that shitty to you, please stop being so paranoid." she waits to gauge your reaction before she decides that you aren't likely to cut her off, softly rubbing at the skin under your eye. "please don't cry."

"im not gonna cry."

"just wanted to make sure. because i care about you, and that's what i was letting owen know that when he was being a jealous dick about you skiing earlier. told him I'm this close to kicking him to the curb for good."

"wait really? what'd he say? i bet he was pissed when i skied over that stuck stump, probably wishes i rode over it and fucking broke my back."

"jeez, you really do despise him." she shakes her head, smiling and rubbing her hands on your thighs. "but yes, he was wondering if maybe now that you were fine to ski you were trying to upstage me or something."

"and do you? and why were you ignoring me?"

she sighed. "literally the opposite. you're just...so amazing, and funny, and talented, and i just know soon you'll be this olympian and wont wanna deal with me and my dumb ex anymore."

"i mean, i am amazing you're right about that," you brag, giggling when she pinches you. "but i'd deal with anything to be with you. i don't even have the words. i wouldn't have gotten on that slope without you always pushing me, despite how annoying i may find it."

abby's' face is beaming and suddenly she's kissing you like you're air, leaning back into the bed so you can hover over her. she stops kissing you just to move her ministrations to all over your face, repeating little 'i love you's' as she does so, reveling in the little hums that leave your throat.

"ok, are we done being sappy so we can fuck now?" your question ends in a squeak when her palm slaps your ass. you look at her with a glare and she just dopily smiles at you, gripping your hips to flip you underneath her.

"y'know, owen and mel picked the room right next to ours." she grinds her hips into yours, the friction of the strap rubbing against you heightened since your robe was riding up to show her bare cunt.

"god, you want me to be loud, don't you?"

"mmhm." she grins as her hand moves down to push the band of her pants down, the feeling of the toy grinding out forcing you to bite your lip to hide your moan, embarrassed by how quickly she could make you want it. her thumbs moves to pull your lip from between your teeth.

she continues humping you until she can see you're wet enough to slide in, looking for your nod to push the strap into you, groaning as it just slides in.

"y/n, we barely did any foreplay-"

"shut up, please shut up."

for some reason she takes that as a sign to start thrusting, reveling in your moans as they finally start to pick up volume. you try to bite the back of your hand when she pulls it away, holding it in hers and holding it above your head. the action is so sweet it almost makes you cry, instead thrusting your head up to press a sweet kiss to her lips.

"mm, love when you're all sweet like this honey. wanna stay like this forever, love you so fuckin much i swear to god." she accentuates her last couple of words with short but harsh thrusts that knock the breath out of your lungs. your orgasm is fast approaching at this rate, and she can tell by the way your eyes are fluttering and your hand is squeezing hers.

"you gonna cum? huh? gonna cum all over me baby?" you nod your head, not trusting the words and sounds that are coming out of your throat. she moves her hand down to rub at your clit and suddenly your stomach is pulsing and your orgasm is hitting you like a truck, abby's following after yours as she's groaning into your neck and thrusting harder to grind the base of the strap into her clit.

it takes a minute for both of you to calm down, the bliss overtaking the both of you.

"was...was that loud enough?" you whisper and feel her silent laugh on top of you, rubbing your leg over the back of hers.

she pushes her head up enough to look you in the eyes, and you really regret asking the question because she's got that dumb-ass smile back on her face and shaking her head.

only a few minutes later she's got you on all fours, leg propped up as she forces your hips back and forth on her dick. and then after that she makes you ride her, and then the position she knows you're obsessed with: her fucking you while standing up.

"a-abs! abby! oh my god!" your throat is sore as her fingers grip the meat of your thighs, the force of her bouncing you and thrusting her hips up getting you closer and closer to euphoria. your eyes are closed and your head is tilted back, doing anything to avoid the way she's looking at you like you're some goddess she's been blessed to witness.

"just a little bit more baby. cmon, tell me how much you love it."

"i do! fuck abby, love it so much."

"love what, honey? you can do it, know you can. god you're so perfect."

your mind is hazy with the feeling of the strap hitting that sensitive spot inside of you with every bounce of your hips and her words that you barely even register her demand, groaning when she bites at one of your tits that have been bouncing in her face.

"tell me what you love. please, please tell me."

"nghh, love you abby! fuckin love your dick so much!"

"that's it, thaaat's it pretty girl. let everyone you're mine, that i'm yours-"

you're pretty sure she kept talking after that, but the rush of your orgasm deafens every sound and lights your body on fire, only able to feel the high and the cum leaking down your thighs. you go in and out of consciousness but come back to when you're both back in bed, abby pulling you onto her chest and she rubs a soft hand down your back.

"love you." you mumble, snuggling into the warmness of her.

"i love you too, y/n."

"'m sorry about earlier."

"me too. promise that i'll tell you whenever i'm feeling down. or when i'm dealing with a douche."

"me too."

you get the best night's sleep you've had in years.

in the morning everyone seems ecstatic for the holiday, ready to share their gifts with each other after breakfast. you decide to join in helping to cook, which gets you a crazy accusation from jordan saying your helping is just 'sitting on the counter so abby has something to look at while you drink a mimosa". whatever. abby is standing between your thighs and talking to you about her new workout schedule when owen and manny walk into the room, manny bidding you a sly 'good morning' with a smirk as owen grabs water from the fridge.

"hey owes, can you hand me one?" abby asks, her fingers drumming on your thigh as she uses the other to catch the bottle he tosses to her with a polite smile. your eyes are following the action suspiciously before abby is for some reason keeping a grip on the middle of the bottle as she opens it so the liquid spurts onto a bit of her shirt.

"ugh, abs! wait a second." you start to move off the counter when she holds your hips down.

"its fine, babe. i'm used to things squirting on me, anyway."

your face scrunches up as you smack her in the shoulder, your face hot as you hear jordan and manny cackling like hyenas and owen chugs down his water. abby just presses a loud kiss on your cheek.

other than your friends constantly teasing you, nora whispering a 'love shack' in your ear when she walks behind you in the living room, the day really is perfect. when the sun sets everyone is exchanging the gifts they got for each other. leah got jordan some necklace he's had his eyes on, manny bought mel some earmuffs after hers broke a month ago. some of them teased you for having surprisingly thoughtful gifts despite having a heart of only half-thawed ice, making you only reply that you weren't past taking the gifts back.

and then you open the gift abby got you and nearly cry; a custom snow globe, inside two mini figures dancing on a mountain of snow, one wearing skis and the other wearing skates. the she almost does the same with the corny 'cooking for two' book you bought her and the limited edition version of her favorite novel.

its a night full of warmth and laughter, and once it ends you find yourself standing out on the balcony, looking out at the lit lights of the village and the lifts on the slopes. your phone is in your hand and you open the text messages to your dad.

tell everyone i said merry christmas. its going to take me time to mentally heal enough to train. but if you're willing to do it with me then i'm in.

"hey, it's fucking freezing out here." abby opens the slide-apart door and comes up beside you, wrapping her arms around you to look out at the view with you. "are you ok?"

you sigh, turning to admire her. the redness of her cheeks, the tiny snowflakes in her hair. the way she's looking at you.

you nod your head.

"i'm on top of the world."

fics keep getting longer to overcompensate allah take me now. spent so much of yesterday aka my birthday writing this omg but it was so fun to write a more developed reader. uhhh idk stream cobra by megan.

[yoonmetogether]

A Kim Namjoon Oneshot

pairing: idol!namjoon x gn!reader genre: hurt/comfort, established relationship summary: tale as old as time, you’ve been rejected again. will things ever change? but namjoon proves that he’s not going anywhere, and you’re as important to him as the sunrise is to the morning. rating: 18+ only minors dni!!! warnings/tags: reader is sad and insecure, self-deprecating language, hopelessness, small argument, panic attack, crying, mentions of sex, namjoon tells it how it is as a very loving partner, he’s also pretty cheesy wc: 3k LMAOOOOO as always this got out of hand it's really 6.8k note: thanks a million to my lovely @moochii-daisies for beta reading this and giving exquisite feedback that i constantly go back to and cry over!! and also shoutout to my beauty @glossdebut for also betaing and helping me with the group chat at the end <3333 thank you queens!! 🫶🫶🫶 love yall so much

Your mind is blank as you drive through the night, windshield wipers on high because of the pouring down rain. Your heart is racing, but your body is still. Everything you feel is just… numb. You’re becoming too used to rejection, to not being wanted.

To not being as good as everyone else. To people saying you have what it takes, but inevitably losing interest and passing you up for someone better.

It feels like just a matter of time before Namjoon comes to his senses and does the same.

He hasn’t stopped calling you. But you can't answer - you dread what he’ll have to say.

Because you left that rejection letter on the counter before you ran out, so he definitely saw it when he got home. You should’ve torn it up and thrown it in the trash. Burned it.

He’ll probably be so frustrated after yet another let down from you. You hate disappointing the love of your life. It’s almost enough spiralled reasoning to make you not want to go home at all, but it wouldn’t be fair to him.

When you pull up to a red light, you go to open up your phone only to find it dead. Great. Now Namjoon will be disappointed and worried.

The rain has made it fucking cold out in the middle of spring, and you have half a mind to yell at your boyfriend when you see him standing in front of your house with an umbrella. Yep, definitely worried.

Just as you finish parking, Namjoon jogs into the street, reaching out for the handle so you can step out and be under the umbrella. But he’s already looking at you with concern that you can’t face so you walk past him and into the rain, uncaring that it ruins your hair and clothes as you make a beeline for the house.

“Um, hello?” he calls after you, sounding offended.

“Hi!” you throw over your shoulder in a tone unnatural for you.

Thankfully, Namjoon waits until you’ve both made it inside and out of the rain to confront you.

“Where the hell have you been? Do you know how many times I called? Why didn’t you pick up?” He exclaims as he shakes out the umbrella and leaves it on the porch.

“I was driving and then my phone died.”

He huffs, shutting the door. “I was about to hotwire a car and go find you.”

Eyes rolling, you shuck off your shoes and drop your bag next to the closet. “You can’t even drive, what do you know about hotwiring?”

“I’d figure it out.”

“Oh, right, Mr. IQ of 148,” you quip as Namjoon gestures for your soaked jacket. Your skin shakes as you shrug it off and you hope he doesn’t notice. Anxiety, not rain, is making you tremble. You don’t want to explain that.

“Wouldn’t the simpler solution be to, I don’t know, call one of the guys for a ride? Yoongi'd bitch at you for a while, but at least you wouldn’t be risking jail time.”

“The simpler solution would be that the partner who I love and adore picked up the first one or two times I called.”

“Yeah, I know,” you wave him off.

“Hey,” he says in a tone of richer bass, his long finger on your chin turning you to him, fret woven into every line on his face, even his dimples. “I was really worried about you, baby.”

“I just needed some time to myself.”

“Okay,” he nods, understanding. “But I didn’t hear from you all day and then I came home thinking you were here but you weren’t, and then you didn’t answer my calls so I started to think the worst.”

“I’m sorry.” You mean that. Namjoon already has so much to stress and worry about, you shouldn’t add to his plate. You don’t want to become another one of his problems. Maybe you already are.

“I’m guessing you saw the letter.”

“No?” His brows furrow in confusion. “What letter?”

You forget that Namjoon could walk by a burning building and not notice a damn thing, that big brain of his always too lost in thought or handsome nose buried in a book.

Sighing, you turn for the kitchen where you hand him the single sheet of paper that you refuse to look at.

“I didn’t make it.”  You stare at the counter as he takes it and reads it over, but your periphery catches the wrinkle in his brows and tick in his jaw.

“Fuck them,” he snaps, flinging the paper back on the counter. “It’s their loss.”

For some reason, his words not blaming you don’t make you feel better.

“Yeah, and this makes me a real winner, Joon,” you mumble, picking at the sleeve of your wet jacket. “It doesn’t matter how much I want it or how hard I work, things are just never gonna fall into place for me. I’ll never be good for anyone.”

“Hey,” he says firmly, slinking into your space with a hand on your forearm. “You are good.”

“Not good enough!”

Namjoon’s eyes widen at your loud tone and the way you pull your arm away from him. You’re not one to yell, especially not at him, but the numbness within you is starting to crack and spill.

“And you’re so successful and good at every fucking thing you do - what if I can’t ever amount to that?”

You know you shouldn’t make him a part of this, but you can’t help it. This insecurity has been building with each rejection you receive, making it impossible to not compare yourself to him.

His concern turns into confusion mixed with something else, and he steps closer, holding up a finger but not pointing it at you.

"First of all, I am not good at every fucking thing I do - you're thinking about Jeongguk." Your eye roll doesn't stop him from pressing on and lifting another finger.

“Second of all, who drove home and who took the bus? And third of all," he emphasizes, adding one more finger. "What we’re not about to do is create our worth out of our accomplishments or lack thereof and then compare it to our value in this relationship.”

He’s right. He’s so right and so insightful and you should acknowledge that. But the insecurities prevail. You sink into yourself, making you as small as you feel.

“I’m not good enough for them, so how am I any good for you?” His eyes narrow, lips pressing as he stares at you pensively.

“I don’t like where your head is at, baby. You’re projecting.”

He’s always so gentle when he calls you out. Since you started dating, you’ve struggled with feeling less than because you’re in a relationship with an idol, but Namjoon reminds you that it’s only a narrative you've created since he’s never personally given you a reason to feel that way and he never will. But you still have so many doubts.

“I’m just scared that one day you’ll lose interest because I can’t do things right.”

His mouth opens and closes, and you realize that you’ve made this man who’s always articulate and always knows what to say speechless.

How many more things can you ruin?

Before he can figure out even a single word in response, you twist around, turning your back on him to quickly shuffle up the stairs and into your bedroom, slamming the door shut.

You press your back against it, sliding down to the floor, chest caving in and heart trying to thud its way out of it, choking you in the process.

Everything that you’ve been locking away, pushing down and hiding flees to the forefront of your previously blank mind and attacks.

Not good. Not enough. You’ll always fail. You’ll always be a let down. A disappointment. A fuck up.

The list goes on and on and you can’t stop it, like a train on an endless track that won’t run out of steam.

Three soft knocks on the door plunge into the thoughts that you’re drowning in, guiding you to the surface.

“Baby, let me in,” he urges, deep voice traveling right through the door and washing down over your aching head. “Let me be there for you. Please. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

You want to sink, you want to go back down to the bottom and never come up again, but he’s right here with his hand held out ready to pull you into respite, sheltering you in his embrace.

If you sink, if you push him away now, if you lose him -

Your hand is on the knob before you can consider any consequences of that. On your knees, you open the door, and the sight of Namjoon’s face, wrought with alarm, level with yours on the other side because he’s waiting there for you on his knees. And you burst into tears, spluttering out an apology as you curl into yourself and he carefully opens the door enough to crawl towards you, hands splayed in invitation for you to sink into him instead.

“Baby, it’s okay,” he whispers, strong arms wrapping around you.

“I’m sorry I’m such a failure,” you sob into his neck.

“Oh, sweetheart. You’re not a failure.” Namjoon never lies, you know this, but the relentless gremlins in your mind try to convince you otherwise. It’ll hurt him if you try to counter his words, so you just cry. And he lets you, cloaking you in a remedying hug with your fingers ensnared in his shirt, tears creating dark patches in the soft fabric.

You cry until you’re exhausted, until your mouth is dry, throat sore, stomach aching. As you start to calm down because there aren’t any tears left, Namjoon stays still against the door frame, comforting you with gentle, slow rubs of your back, keeping you close to him while you sniffle.

“If you want to use my shirt as a tissue, I won’t say anything.”

The laugh that elicits is wet and choked, but it takes some pressure off of your chest. “Ew, gross.”

“We’ve done grosser things.” Sweater paw under your nose, you weakly push at his chest and he just wiggles his eyebrows, grins his dimpled grin and kisses your temple.

“D’you want some water?” he asks, lips still pressed to your skin. You nod, warmth from the effects of his care radiating through your anxiety.

After he guides you both to stand, he heads back downstairs to the kitchen to retrieve a glass, giving you the opportunity to collect yourself, although the gremlins still torture the recesses of your mind. When he returns and hands over the water, he wipes off droplets that reside on your lips once you finish drinking. You can see in his eyes that he wants nothing more than to pick apart your mindset, but he won’t until you open up the floor.

Your partner waits quietly on the bed while you undress and trudge into the bathroom to shower. He’s still there on the edge when you emerge, head raising from his phone at the sound of your footsteps padding on the carpet, a smile resonating on his face that doesn’t expect one in return.

“I ordered food,” he announces as you cross the room for the dresser. “From that restaurant across town? Y’know the one where-”

“-we met after you burned your fingers on the hotpot grill like you didn’t have a whole set of tongs? Yeah, I know the one.”

You haven’t been there in a long time, but it was where you and Namjoon began.

Back when you worked as a server scrambling to pay tuition debts, before the band came to be the phenomenon they are now, Namjoon and the guys came into the restaurant after late night rehearsals and studio sessions. You waited on them in fleeting moments, but never got the chance to exchange more than a few words until Yoongi made the drunken mistake of handing Namjoon the tongs to turn the meat and he just used his fingers instead. 

It wasn’t too bad, but the burn couldn’t wait until he got home to be treated, so you brought him into the back to run his hand under cool water and he took the awkward silence to introduce himself. He stumbled over his words and it was clumsy and cute and he made you laugh while you held his wrist and wrapped a wet wad of paper towels around his fingers.

After that, he started coming by on his own. Late at night for dinner, a drink or two, to just sit at the bar and strike up conversation whenever you had a minute to stand still or do side work. You quickly learned that Namjoon is extremely intelligent, sometimes beyond your understanding, and he often ranted and went off on tangents on books he was reading, topics he was curious about, music he was working on, but never in a way that made you feel lost in the conversation. He got so amped up that you found yourself getting interested in what he was interested in. You would go home or to a bookstore and do your own research that you’d bring back and share with him at your next shift. He always seemed touched in a way and eventually got excited just to see you.

And when you talked, this man listened, intently, to every word. Leaning forward, arms crossed on the counter, eyes locked on you with the occasional nod and smile to show you he was present. He also chimed in to share his thoughts or narratives he related to, but never in a way that took the focus off of you, smiled whenever you got excited talking about your goals and things that made you get out of bed in the morning, and not once did he interrupt you. The way he spoke and carried himself, the way he paid attention to you and made it so simple and natural to have a stimulating conversation… It was hard not to fall for him.

But he was on the road to becoming an idol, and you were a few years late in getting your bachelor’s degree. You liked him and you were pretty sure the feeling was mutual, but… Were you really compatible? You might’ve been putting him on a pedestal because of the sheer talent and brilliance he had in just a single pinkie, but you felt you were just lacking in a lot of places and you could never measure up to him.

So you kept your feelings to yourself, but it was impossible to keep them from growing or stay away from him. 

There were some nights where he just sat in a booth tucked away in the corner, hardly touching his food, just staring at blank pages of his journal with a deep set frown. You tried asking him what was wrong but all he could say was that their recent album drop wasn’t getting the kind of reception he’d hoped for. You could tell there was more to it than that but you didn’t want to press him.

So after your shift, you listened to the entire album and spent hours writing your reactions and feelings and personal connections to each song, and tucked the folded pages under his bowl the next night. You went back to work, nervously glancing at him reading through your notes and debating if you should leave him alone or check to see what he thought. But by the time you had a moment to spare after the rush, his table was vacant and clear, except for a napkin that read in his recognizable scrawl, “Thank you” with an etching of a tiny smiling koala.

Soon he was back to his old, chipper self and during a late shift in the rainy spring, he sat in that same booth, attention buried in a journal as he scribbled away at lyrics, and you let him be until it was time to close up. When you came over to gently inform him that it was late, he jerked, head snapping up like you just withdrew him from another world. After checking the time on his watch, he apologized, scrambling to pack up his things only to forget to zip his bag closed so everything flew out and scattered onto the floor. He stuttered out more clumsy apologies to which you just shook your head and squatted down to help gather his things. You tried to keep your nosiness to a minimum, but it was hard when all of his prose brought to life by his pretty handwriting beckoned you on every page.

“You can read it. I don’t mind.”

“Oh, I couldn’t,” you declined, holding out the pages. “I know how private you are about your music.”

He blinked at you with a soft smile. “I trust you.”

And for the next couple of hours, you sat across from him in the booth, marveling over the passionate rhetoric he wove into every articulate and carefully chosen lyric that spun beautiful messages and stories, you couldn’t fathom how phenomenal it would sound put to genius melodies and beats.

“Wow, you’re-” you paused. It’s hard to find a single word to describe him. “A virtuoso. Truly.”

“Thank you,” he murmured, a gentle smile on his face that brought forth his dimples.

“No, thank you for sharing all this with me,” you emphasized, stacking all of his papers and sliding them back to him.

He nodded, tucking the pile in his bag. A tranquil silence settled between you, clearly there was more you wanted to say to each other but neither of you could find the nerve.

The dark street outside suddenly flashed under a bright strike of lightning, and the windows shook from the consequential rumble of thunder. Rain collapsed from the sky and you watched Namjoon stare at the torrential downpour with a frown.

You checked your phone. “Oh, shit! I didn’t realize how late it was. I’m sorry I kept you here so long.”

“You didn’t,” he shook his head. “I enjoyed… this. Talking with you about my music."

“Me too. I just have to finish locking up.”

He smiled. “I’ll wait for you.”

Blushing, you thanked him and slid out of the booth to quickly turn off the lights, grab your things and head back towards Namjoon where he was standing by the door, hoodie pulled over his bag.

Outside under the awning you asked, “Where’s your car?”

Sheepish look on his face, he lifted his arm and you followed the direction he was pointing in, squinting through the blur of the rain to a signpost and the bike leaning against it, a lock securing it there. So that’s why he didn’t look too fond of the rain.

“I don’t have a license.”

“Oh. Well, since it’s raining, I could give you a ride home, if you want.”

“I can’t just leave it here.”

“We can stick it next to the walk-in. I’ll let my boss know and you can just come get it tomorrow.”

“You sure?”

Nodding, you gestured for him to jog alongside him to his bike, and as the rain soaked through your clothes, he fumbled for his keys to unlock it. After sticking it in the back and locking up, you both ran back to your beatdown car, his hand hovering above your head like a makeshift umbrella.

“I appreciate you giving me a ride,” he murmured once you both slid into your beat down car.

“Of course,” you smiled, fiddling with the controls to adjust the temperature.

“I can give you gas money.”

“No, it’s fine. You’re on my way home,” you lied. (The first time Namjoon came over, in the midst of tearing each other’s clothes off, he mumbled against your lips, “I just thought about it. My dorm is in the opposite direction of where you live.” You got shy and hid your face in his neck. “I just wanted to drive you home, Joon.” He proceeded to kiss his adoration and appreciation all over you, tangled under your sheets where he fucked you until the birds started chirping under the wakening sky.)

When you dropped him off, he lingered in the car for a bit, long fingers tapping on the handle, like he was thinking of reasons not to leave and you were sitting there hoping he wouldn’t find one.

But then he got the inevitable texts from his managers and bandmates asking for his whereabouts, so he had no choice but thank you again for the ride and bid you goodnight, requesting that you message him when you got home.

“I’d be happy to,” you replied, pulse skyrocketing. “But I’m missing something.”

“What?”

“Your number?”

“Oh!” He laughed at himself as he smacked his pockets for his phone, and you chuckled nervously when he passed it over and created your contact.

You were vibrating at the thought of being able to text him whenever you wanted, instead of waiting until your next shift to tell him all of the things you read, saw, and heard that reminded you of him.

He had his phone with your number in it, but still lingered.

“I think I’m missing something too,” he said with rapid taps on his knee.

“Yeah? What’s that?”

After taking a few shallow breaths, he glanced at you and whispered, “Can I kiss you?”

Biting your lip to hide your giddy smile, you nodded and leaned over the console where he met you halfway in a moment that you wish could’ve been frozen in time.

You’ve heard the cliche that fireworks go off when you kiss that one person, but when you kissed Namjoon - everything was finally at peace. The epitome of “no thoughts, head empty” as his plush lips molded with yours while the rain drummed on your car, but in the way that his hands on your cheeks holding you in place gave you all the answers of the universe.

You wanted to climb into his lap and kiss him until the storm passed but his phone kept buzzing in his lap.

“You should go,” you mumbled, lips still attached. “Before they send out a search and rescue team.”

He kissed you again before pulling back, disappointed. “I’ll text you.”

“Okay.”

You fell asleep that night to the image of his blinding dimpled smile and the lasting taste of his kiss.

For weeks after that, he texted you throughout the day - pictures of the sky on his morning bikes to work, fresh blossoms on trees, snippets of text from books he read in his spare time, and the occasional selfie that you secretly saved along with everything else.

He still came to the restaurant during his usual time in the late evenings, but he sometimes snuck in from the alleyway to steal messy kisses and hugs that knocked the wind out of you, leaving you with a stupid smile on your face that lasted even through the busiest of rushes.

It became less easy to forget the separate worlds you both came from, when Namjoon sat in that booth and snuck glances and smiles at you to escape from his budding idolhood, to feel some reprieve from the stresses of album drops and industry critics and interviews and music video shoots and the responsibilities of leading a band through the hurdles of success because he told you all about it.

And you listened over bowls of hotpot (meat that you grilled) and banchan, silently worrying if he took on more than he could handle. Because you’d been in that position many times and knew how easy it was to fall apart under all the pressure, to a point where it was a painful struggle to get back up. But this was Namjoon - strong and passionate and willing to take charge of things so his bandmates didn’t have to shoulder the stress, something you deeply admired him for.

Whenever you gave him encouraging words, he peered at you with serenity in his eyes and an equally calm smile, always thanking you and seeming like he had more to say but never did.

That was until one night when he raced in, past your boss who had long given up yelling at him ‘no customers in the back’, to where you were putting away dishes. You wiped your hands on your apron and turned to him, taking in his state - absolutely disheveled, out of breath, shirt on backwards and inside out. Just as you began to ask “Why run when you can bike?” he blurted “Will you date me?”

Stilling completely, your heart started running faster than he probably just was. “You rushed in here to ask me out?”

“I’m late to rehearsal, and I might not get to see you in the next couple of weeks.”

“You could’ve called me,” you suggested even though your knees were about to give out. “Or waited until next time.”

He shook his head. “I couldn’t wait anymore. And this wouldn’t feel right if not done in person.”

Peering out of the kitchen to make sure your boss was busy on the floor, you took Namjoon’s hand and led him out into the alley where you shared your first kiss as a couple under the flickering security lamp with moths dancing all around it.

“This whole time I’ve been wanting to ask you out but I’ve just been scared and you-” he huffed nervously. “You make me so nervous.”

This man who stood and danced in front of crowds performing songs he had a part in creating got nervous around you? When all you did was barely make it through your classes and drag your tired ass to work every night.

“I make you nervous? Dude, I get heart palpitations whenever you come around.”

“Same!” You both laughed and kissed again, and he backed you into the brick wall with your arms wrapped around his neck.

He kissed you for what felt like hours until that inevitable buzzing returned, making you both internally sigh.

“Hobi’s gonna fight me in the parking lot if I show up late again.”

“Yeah, my boss might come out here and chase you off with a broom if I don’t get back in there soon.”

He chuckled breathlessly, leaning in to kiss you a few more times, and then rested his forehead on yours, whispering “I don’t want to go.”

“Hurry up before the guys start placing bets on Hobi.”

“Hey!”

Grinning, you tipped up to kiss him goodbye. “I’ll wager some of my minimum wage check on you.”

“No,” he huffed, shoulders heaving dramatically. “I can’t let you lose money.”

Kissing you once more, he turned, fingers still tangled in yours, and it was only then that you realized he wasn’t just holding your hand and kissing you in the alley as Namjoon, but as your Namjoon, your boyfriend(?), because he asked you to make things official and you said yes and he looked happy and it made you happy and that’s all you want but who knows if this’ll last because you’re both going in different directions and he’s making himself known on music charts while you’re barely scraping by and-

Your shaking hand refusing to let go of him forced him to turn back around, beautiful smile faltering when he detected the turmoil swimming on your face. “Wait, you okay?”

You swallowed with an uneasy smile. “You should get going.”

“They'll get over it,” he said, stepping in front of you again and taking both your hands. “Tell me.”

“Are you sure? About this?” You whispered unsteadily, anxiety speaking for you. His eyebrows scrunched. “I’m just a server. And you’re gonna be a huge star.”

“Hey, you’re not just a server. Big things are gonna happen for you too.”

Doubt is an ugly, fickle thing. But then he said this, one hand over his heart:

“I see a dream in you. I see my dream in you.”

And that’s when you knew - you love Kim Namjoon. He indirectly told you the same in messages he sent after he finally got to work.

Just so you know, I owe you credit for a lot of songs I’ve been writing lately received from ‘🐨❣️’

Oh, really? Do I get any royalties? sent to ‘🐨❣️’

You could received from ‘🐨❣️’

I’m kidding, I don’t want your hard earned money sent to ‘🐨❣️’

I’ll just take you out on really nice dates received from ‘🐨❣️’

That sounds fair sent to ‘🐨❣️’

Two hours later, he sent you a picture of a dark parking lot with the caption “wish me luck” and you laughed throughout your entire break.

The rest was history.

Namjoon soared just like you predicted, and you stayed on the ground, waiting for him, loving him through all the ups and downs of fame and fortune. You wouldn’t change that for the world, but it’s hard not to feel stagnant, like you’re in a still pond with not a breath of wind around to propel you anywhere other than the dormant, muddy leaf that hasn’t made a ripple in ages.

When you graduated, he was on tour, but luckily your school live-streamed the event, so you received a shaky video of a laptop displaying you walking across the stage and accepting your diploma with seven voices whooping and cheering you on, Namjoon being the loudest.

You still have that clip saved in your camera roll, but sometimes you wish he could’ve been there in person. Don’t dwell on what you can’t change. But you did dwell on the things that prevented you from navigating your relationship as a “normal” couple.

Like when his company makes you sign a new NDA every couple of years. Or when Namjoon puts stickers over your face whenever he posts pictures of the two of you on his Instagram. You’re aware that it's to protect your privacy, but maybe if you were somebody, he wouldn’t have to hide you as much.

Would you ever do anything to achieve his kind of acclaim? You could dream all you wanted, but hard work and dedication doesn’t always mean the dream is right for you.

This million and oneth rejection is just the final straw to firmly convince you that that is the ultimate truth.

“You’re thinking real loud over there,” his amber timbre ruptures your warp back in time, snapping you to the present, still standing in front of the dresser.

You refuse to look over to acknowledge that he spoke, so you don’t risk catching a glimpse of your reflection in the vanity mirror. You probably look so dreary. Scrubbing at your face with exfoliant and moisturizer did nothing to get rid of the dullness.

“I’m listening if you want to share.”

That numb throb is taking root again, sealing shut your ability to talk, so you just shrug and expect him to drop it. As you change into pajamas, the bed creaks and his feet shuffle on the carpet, and your heart shrinks when you predict he’s going to leave you alone but instead he traipses over to stand behind you, hands on your shoulders, head ducked next to your ear, and quietly murmurs your name.

“Can I touch you?”

When you slowly nod, he gently folds his hands over your shoulders, and you nearly collapse under his warm, grounding touch.

“What do you think I see when I see you?”

Your frown deepens. “You won’t like my answer.”

Soft huff bristling your ear, his hands slowly rub up and down your arms.

“I’ll tell you one thing -“ he kisses the crook of your neck. “It’s not that rejection. Or any of those flaws you think you have.”

Your eyes close with the threat of tears when his fingers wrap around your wrists and move your arms so that you hug yourself, his strong biceps solidifying it.

“I just see the person who’s my pride and my desire no matter what. Someone I’m damn lucky to love.”

Your heart bursts but it’s so weighed down by self-made fallacies that it sinks instead of soars.

“But I’m a nobody compared to you.”

“Hey, don’t say that shit!” he exclaims, turning you to face him. “Why do you think that about yourself? ”

You gesture between you, pain in the movement and under your skin. “Because look at all that you’ve done and the little I’ve done and-”

“Stop.” He holds a hand in the air, tick in his jaw. “Stop comparing yourself to me and anyone else. I don’t see you or value you based on what you’ve accomplished. Win or lose, I love you. That will never change.” 

HIs shoulders deflate when your expression doesn’t change. “After all these years, you still don’t believe that?”

Disappointing, you’re disappointing him again. “Baby, all the times you’ve stuck by me, you think I won’t do the same for you? You were there when people mocked us, criticized us and our music, my music. All the times we talked about disbanding, about giving up and going our separate ways, you promised to stay right there with me. All the times I felt like a failure, like I didn’t deserve all of the grace you and the fans gave me, you made sure I believed I did.”

Warm palm slipping under your hand, he looks down at the promise ring he gifted you for your 5th anniversary that matches the one he wears on his index finger, but has the habit of switching it to his ring finger, where you wear yours.

“You know how I feel about making music for a living and being an idol, that it means the world to me, but there are so many moments I spend wishing I could go back to the time before all the fame where we could kiss in that alley and not risk getting caught. What I’ve built my life up to be has put limits on how I can express my affection for you. I would give anything to show you off everywhere I go and hold your hand in public without exposing you to repercussions but it’s made me feel safe to keep our love preserved just between us.”

His dimples poke out at the corner of his frown and the clench in his jaw, knit between his brows, and erratic blinking give way that he’s been holding something back and now he’s going to let it show.

“I’ve been terrified that one day you’ll get fed up with me having to be away a lot, missing anniversaries and birthdays because I’m on tour and all I can do is video chat. That’s why I bombard you with messages about how much I miss you, why I send you selfies and pictures of the sunset, books I think we should read, poems and music that make me think of you, so you know that you’re always on my mind and you don’t forget how much I love you.”

You see the fear swelling in his eyes - fear that you’ve somehow missed or he hid too well and now you worry just how much pain you’ve been keeping from each other because the insecurities don’t feel worthy enough to share.

Your resolve cracks. Have you been blind this whole time to his doubts, his insecurities, too caught up in your own to realize that he worries that he might not be enough for you?

“No,” you assert, flinging your arms around his neck, pulling him against you as tears teeter over your waterline. “I could never forget that. Ever.”

“I couldn’t stop loving you even if I tried,” he murmurs, large hands splaying over your spine to press you closer.

“Me either,” you whisper, more tears staining his shirt. Both of you start to softly sniffle against each other, so he pulls back, thumbs away your wobbling frown and before you can completely lose it at the sight of tears in his eyes, he leads you to the bed, sitting you down and enveloping you in a solid hug.

Burying your face in his chest, you feel the full extent of his deep sigh and the vibrations of his resonant voice as he speaks his sage words.

“It sucks that you didn’t get to reap the rewards for something you worked so hard for, but isn’t that an accomplishment in itself? That you keep trying and making a genuine effort? You’re always so determined and I know someone will see it, because I see it. Your friends, the boys, we all see it. And one day, you’ll see it too.”

“What if I’m shit at what I do?”

His nostrils flare as he exhales. “Sweetheart, if I thought you were shit, I’d tell you.”

You splutter a laugh. “I mean, in a better way because I love you, but I wouldn’t be so proud and encouraging of everything you work towards and dream about if I thought you sucked. I don’t encourage delulus.”

“Delulus?”

“Because my love for you is built on the foundation of honesty and trust and loyalty and lust and-“

“Way to throw that in there.”

He takes your hands and folds them against his chest, trapping you under the honey in his eyes that will always make you melt. 

“You’re my person, you’re my desire, you’re my pride,” he sings off key.

“And-” his eyes flash as he takes a deep breath through a wide, dimpled smile. “You make I to an O-“

“Joon!” You squeal, lunging to playfully cover his mouth and keep him from performing another cheesy rendition of the song he wrote about you. 

“I to an O!” And then he raps and sings the rest of the verses, closing his eyes as he focuses while holding your wrists to keep your hands away from his face.

He doesn’t stop even as you move against him so he walks backwards and falls down on the bed, using your fist as a microphone as you lay across him, failing to stop his one man show. You suppose it’s okay when you fail at some things.

Resting your head on his chest as he continues this private performance, warmth from his affection and proof of his love for you clears away the cobwebs of all of your doubt that he could ever give up on you. You smile at his heartbeat thudding beneath your ear. And just like the first time you kissed him, you feel at peace.

“That was good, right?” he asks breathlessly after you applaud his finish.

“10 out of 10!” Laughing at your enthusiasm, he dips down to kiss your forehead and then dramatically collapses on the mattress, claiming he needs a nap.

“You’re my pride and desire too, Joon,” you murmur after a few moments of silence, tracing shapes over his sturdy chest. He tugs you further up until you’re breathing into his neck, sending shivers across your skin with light trails of his fingers up and down your back.

“I’m sorry I convinced myself that you wouldn’t stay with me no matter what. I’m going to work on not projecting how I feel onto you.”

His fingers creep between yours, linking them together. “I’ll be there to support you in any way you need me too.”

“And I’m sorry I made you worry tonight."

He hums. “I get that you need your space, but just text me or something next time. I would like to know that you plan on coming back home.”

You lift your head, eyes pouring into his filling with promise.

“I’ll always come back to you, Joon.”

He smiles, places a finger on your jaw to tilt up your head and kiss you tenderly.

The food comes and you sit together on the living room floor, the nostalgic aroma and taste bringing you back to the first and last time you fell in love.

Later, in the group chat, you ask the boys whether they’d tell you if you sucked at what you do.

Bluntly received from 'yoongi :]'

To your face With love and respect received from 'wwhandsome 😘'

Obviously  received from 'yoongi :]'

Did someone say you sucked? Who said it! I’ll fight them received from 'jimin-ssiiii'

I’m putting on my bitch stomping boots received from 'jaykayyyy'

We ride at dawn received from 'hobi hobi'

It doesn’t matter if you’re good at something as long as you enjoy it But no, you don’t suck if someone said you do they’re lying Also who’s driving received from 'taebear'

Not Namjoon 😂😂😂 received from 'wwhandsome 😘'

There are bikes that could seat all 8 of us!!! *open attachment* received from ‘🐨❣️’

Never in a million years would I get on a contraption like that received from 'yoongi :]'

True you don't even get on a regular bike received from 'jimin-ssiiii'

🖕 received from 'yoongi :]'

Boom roasted received from 'hobi hobi'

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save me playlist

conclusions aren’t my strong suit so bleh and i didn't really proofread when i finished. anyway thanks for reading! i hope it didn't come off as too self-indulgent… i started writing this months ago and i debated on whether or not to post it but bringing forth this namjoon comforted me and i wanted to share it.

also aqua wrote tae's message in the chat so i wanted to make sure to give her credit!! thanks again bby <33333

(was that an office reference at the end lol whoops)

[spoopdeedoop]

hi i have some disorganized thoughts/hcs abt the found family human doctor au

(one of the thoughts being i should really give it a better name. another being YES this is only the nuwho doctors atm bc that's the only series i've watched so far apologies. if i ever get around to watching classic who i will add them trust)

BEHOLD my random, not at all in-depth headcanons

nine is the only one with a car out of all of them. they all keep bugging him to drive/pick them up from places -- he has mixed feelings about being the assigned taxi driver

both twelve and eleven are teachers -- college professor and preschool teacher respectively. twelve's students love them because he will say the most stupid, hilarious shit with a straight face without even knowing and eleven's students love him because he is the only teacher at the school that will dance with them during musical chairs (he doesn't even play the game. he just dances)

i want to make one of them an actual doctor but i don't think any of them could handle it unfortunately

they all share an an apartment flat on the same level -- nine, twelve and fifteen live in one room, ten, eleven and thirteen live in the one across from them. of course there are other people in the building too but they're all used to the strange loud hyperactivity of that particular flat. i think i'm using the right terminology here. yall know what im talking about

(i'm so tempted to make some companions be their neighbors)

nine and ten are the most insomniac of all of them, so they're used to bumping each other in the dead of night on their way to raid each other's respective fridges or something. very rarely thirteen will join them and they're like "WELL FANCY SEEING YOU HERE"

twelve does sleep, but like. he's nocturnal

eleven and ten hate each other in a sibling kind of way (see: day of the doctor). they are constantly sending each other death threats or tripping each other over. everyone is sick of it

sometimes when they're out shopping you'll hear ten yell "GET OUT OF THE FROZEN FOOD YOU NUMPTY WE ARE NOT BUYING FISH FINGERS" over the aisles and you'll hear eleven whine "WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH" back

(if you're lucky you'll be able to catch fifteen mumble "why did we put them in the same apartment. are we asking for an eviction notice")

eventually eleven will pick a random stray cat off the side of the road, take her home, and name her bowtie, which is a stupid name, so everyone just defaults to calling her kitty

kitty's favourite person is twelve, to eleven's absolute despair

(my original idea for this was to initially have ten hate the idea of living with a cat, since he's stated full on in the show that he doesn't like cats, but apparently there is some very obscure doctor who comic run in which he falls into a depressive spiral and adopts a cat whom he names rose-the-cat, so he might actually like cats idk?)

anyway ten hates her until he doesn't lmao. he vents to her when there's no one else home and she will Stare at him back and it is a very nice friendship

kitty and nine watch shitty romcom together

they have a joint groupchat together -- half of it is just thirteen and fifteen assigning everyone outfits they find on pinterest and the other half is eleven asking where everyone went (he keeps getting lost when they go out)

nine doesn't know how to download pictures off the internet and so resorts to manually editing memes together to send to the groupchat and everyone's like "girl that's so much more effort........."

(yes he doesn't know how to press save image to camera roll but he knows how to use a photo editor flawlessly. such is the logic of the idiocy of the doctors)

eleven and thirteen get along very well i think. they're the only two of the group to play video games and so they bond over that. they also have ridiculously similar clothing taste

sometimes they'll succeed in getting fifteen to play pokemon with them and then they'll proceed to not see him until the next day when he comes out of his room and goes "you didn't tell me plusle couldn't evolve i've been levelling it up all fucking night"

friday is assigned movie night (it's always big hero 6)

eleven is the only one to actively seek out physical affection, usually really abruptly like clinging to thirteen's back as she passes him in the hall or bapping ten with the palm of his hand until he sighs and gives him a hug. he does expect a platonic kiss on the forehead from anyone before he goes to bed and will complain if he doesn't get one

anyway thats it i'm sick in the head and really sad. if this keeps up i may be forced to actually write a fic

[yanderederee]

I love your work and your whole blog is just so amazing! I would like to request letter A for Baji from Tokyo revengers. Thank you, have a nice day dear! :)

This one’s going to be longer than normal— sue me. Read more cause it’s long

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Baji Keisuke is a very intense person. When he feels strongly about a person, it’s hard not to notice. He goes out of his way to give Pah’s dog extra attention when he’s away, carries Mikey to and from places when he falls asleep randomly— everyone feels at ease when they’re with Baji because he is a safe person that they know they can trust.

So for his significant other; of course he’ll show his affections openly. Though it may look like less like romantic affection than it would a doting mother (does that make sense?)

Baji will wholeheartedly take care of you.

You have a stomach ache in public? He rubs your back and finds a place for you to sit, or takes you home immediately if you want. Even if he’s not entirely sure how to fix your issues, he’s dutiful in the way he cares for you.

Order something you don’t like at a restaurant? You got two options, you two can swap meals (because he doesn’t care what he eats as long as you’re happy), or he’ll order a safer option for you.

Can’t sleep? He’ll be half delirious, but he’ll stay on the phone with you and let you chat while he mumbles back replies to make you feel better. Battery might be shot tomorrow but he only uses it to stay in touch with you anyway.

Leaning into romantic affection: not so much into the casual stuff like hand holding (he’s a little squirrelly and gets frustrated if his arm is locked down for too long), but loves looping his arm over your shoulder and holding you close to him at all times. It’s more than showing people you belong to him, it’s also the comfort having you near brings him.

If he’s sitting and getting stir crazy, he’ll play with your fingers. It eventually becomes a fidget of his so he doesn’t realize he does it, but everyone else does.

Likes cuddles, specially holding you. He loves feeling you wrapped up in his arms and pressed into his neck. He could get lost in thought and lay there for hours thinking of all the things he adores about you.

If you fall asleep, he’ll stare at your face; gently pat your hair or trace your features… he’s star stuck thinking about you.

Also shows his affection in protecting you. Can not stand when other people waste your time. If you’re enjoying the conversation then sure, he’ll endure. But if you show any sign of fatigue or annoyance, he’s quick to swoop in and come up with an excuse to get yall going.

That goes for his own friends too. If anyone so much as gives a backhanded comment about you, (I.e: she’s leeching all of your time Baji/Cant you go anywhere without her?/she’s fine but I don’t like having her around/etc), he goes off. There was nothing fucking wrong with you and if you were content being by his side, then he would happily keep you there.

“Fuck you say? Ain’t no one ask you, so keep your shit shut.” He can get really aggressive with his language and dialect, don’t try fighting him further than that, it will end in fists and blood.

Speaking of, is happy to beat the shit out of anyone for you. There’s not a lot that is beneath him. (More on this @/Blood) He doesn’t hit girls, but he will pull their hair and scream in their face for a long time until they get the picture to not mess with you.

Overall: Baji only becomes an intense yandere if other people get involved. If it’s just the two of you, he’s extremely doting and careful with you, but does his best not to stir you into complex feelings that might cause you to leave him.

[daniifanz]

Man I really feel for Max this season. Because she clearly values her friends and family and it reflects in her conscious and continuous effort in working on issues that have been brought to her attention and the wanting to communicate. She WANTS to be a better friend and yet by trying to be she’s somehow being ostracized and having her feelings invalidated and belittled.

Huge rant below cause I can’t deal

Marcus said she makes everything about her, and Ginny told her how she felt like Max doesn’t see what’s going on with her and what did Max do? Reflected, apologized, and made the effort to be more conscientious. She’s gone above and beyond to try to support Ginny even if Ginny didn’t lean on her as much as the others, she still was there and made it known that she could come to her.

She did the hard thing by looking out for her brother even though she knew he would feel betrayed but it was the right thing to do. She tried not to take it personally finding out that her friends were leaving her out of things (TWO OF WHICH ARE HER CHILDHOOD FRIENDS MIND YOU) and just wanted to understand why. And of course her feelings are gonna get hurt in this situation!!!! But like it wasn’t even about her having FOMO like Abby and Norah assumed. She was hurt because she didn’t understand why her best friends didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk with her about certain things. “Why do they feel like they can’t talk to me? What am I doing wrong to give them that impression? Because I love them and want to be the kind of friend they feel okay coming to when things get hard. So what do I need to do to show them? How can be what they need me to be if they don’t tell me?”

And like I get it, everyone is dealing with their own problems but like Max said, surely a true friend who also valued your relationship would want to know if they did something to hurt you. Ginny had no issue confronting Max concerning their friendship in S2. So what’s with the cold, apathetic, and dismissive response when Max does the same with her?? Like?? Yeah yeah therapy taught Ginny that she doesn’t have to take care of other people’s emotions or be responsible for their feelings. But she straight up didn’t care to hear a word of what Max was saying or even try to contribute to what could’ve been a productive and healthy conversation.

It’s just so upsetting to see Ginny have SEVERAL outlets to express her feelings to people that hurt her. Max, her mom and dad in therapy and Marcus but she can’t be bothered to hear how she’s effected someone else too. Little Miss “Mom, I need you to know that what you do impacts me.” The same goes for her and big shocker but ignoring a friend that’s been trying to support you will have a negative effect on them. Little Miss “I’ve never really had friends before.” Clearly.

And nothing pisses me off more than telling someone what you feel and them ignoring that and coming up with their own conclusions like Abby and Norah did. Like watching them INSIST that Max was being dramatic and INSIST that she was mad at them when she was actually just focused on her brother and not mad just— UGHHHHHHH

Her being visibly upset after Mousse and Abby saying “is it cause we hung out without you” and she said no and still thanked them for coming

Her trying to have a conversation with Abby at the assembly and Norah constantly interjecting with “stop fighting you guys” but they weren’t even arguing?!?!?? Max was just asking questions.

“Don’t make this about you” at this point she doesn’t even have to try, YALL are doing that by making yourselves the central only possible issue she may have in life.

No one is acknowledging her growth at all. No one considers that she may be going through something. And that’s just so disappointing from her so called best friends.

[systematic-breakdown]

polyfrag/cdd things that suck ass cus some of yall need a reminder that this shit is not just a disorder but literally an extension of cptsd. kept it to a small handful because the list would go on forever if there wasnt a limit. this intro is your cw/tw

if you wont/cant read the rest, at least read this:

i love system positivity and its great how much of it theres been. but we need to let both comfort and anguish exist in the same space with equal voices. to wallow in despair is to ignore the light. to cover it up is to invalidate the foundation. we need the yin and the yang.

if youre too fixated on the darker realities, take a moment to look at the brighter ones. if youre too fixated on the good sides, do your part to validate the ugly. you will do yourself, your system, and this community a service.

- never truly feeling complete. the ever-present sense that something inside of you is missing and youll just never know what it is. feeling “fragmented” in a very literal sense

- suddenly hating a food youve always loved and not being able to explain the indifferent grief that comes with losing one of the few things that made you you. also applies to activities, shows/movies, books, music, interests, etc.

- dissociating at the smallest stressor. wdym i no longer feel present/like a person just because vibes were a little off while hanging out with a friend. oh, we’re splitting because of it now? and its another group? ok man sure why the fuck not

- having a conversation with someone and slowly going from “i like/am familiar with this person!” to “if you asked me their name and what they were just talking about i could not tell you”. the transition was too slow to notice until youre suddenly Different from before. you want to “go back”, but it wasnt you. youve lost your reference and all you have left is an ache for something you cant pinpoint and a conversation with a stranger you now have to manage

- trying so hard to remember something that you KNOW happened but its just. gone. its on the tip of your tongue, you used to know the details intimately, you can recall vague colors or feelings but theyre off somehow. like it never happened. or it did and youre getting it wrong. you will forget this recall attempt. and the next. and the one after that too. until you stop trying to recall it. a lot of the time, “it” isnt even about trauma

- fear. exhaustion. exhaustion from what? nothing. nothing that you know of. why are you tired? why are you so tense? why can’t you fall sleep? why won’t you go to the doctors? to school? to a friends place? home? why does the thought of doing anything light your skin up like thorned fire? why does the thought of seeing anyone make you want to run until no one can find you? why does the thought of getting out from under your blanket only make you burrow more? sometimes you know why, sometimes you dont

- amnesia again. forgetting that you forgot. amnesia again. if you forget this, it’s over. if you forget this, then theres no point. if you cant even remember that you forget, you no longer qualify as sick. you are so sick that you wrap around to being normal and doesnt that sting? amnesia again. the word “normal” on you is like wearing an outfit that you loved in the morning and hated by noon. you want to look normal, sound normal, feel normal, be normal but that all just feels so wrong. you changed clothes. you changed. that’s what people tell you, at least. you take what people tell you as the truth. it’s not like you know what you did. people don’t like when you don’t remember so it’s easier to just pretend you do. does this make you “normal” yet?

- major control issues. wonder where that comes from. couldnt possibly be the fact that you are never in control of yourself (the one thing everyone else is capable of doing) /s. you cant even control others to make up for it... do you want to control others? doesnt that make you a bad person? but so-and-so did it and theyre not a bad person, right? the rules are different for you. and now you feel guilty for controlling others (something you didnt do) (but you feel like you did so you overcompensate by baring your neck more than usual) (and then you get angry for exposing yourself like that) (and the cycle repeats)

- it feels like something is touching you. sometimes it feels good, like warmth radiating from your heart or a well timed hug when youre feeling lonely. sometimes its little things, like shifting your arm to pick up a different color crayon or moving you to a different section of the grocery store. sometimes its the holy spirit in your bones, helping you do things without having to think about it. but its not always so passive and nice. sometimes it touches you in places you dont want to be touched. it moves you into positions you dont want to be in. it makes you hurt the way it hurts. there are so many "body feelings" and each of them is significant and distinct. you wonder if this is how they feel. then you berate yourself for personifying it, implying something happened to you at all

- constantly being triggered by people who seem "powerful" or have some semblance of "status" on the hierarchy you've learned to keep memorized. parents, bosses, pastors/priests, old people, anyone who is "above" you suddenly feels like a threat. that mixed with having extremely low self esteem means everyone is a threat. you were always given some lenience when you were "good" so you lower yourself further and teach yourself to depend on them. let them do what they want and youll stop feeling it eventually

- small, confined spaces feeling like a prison and a safe haven all at once. this is as close to peace as you can get