#another analysis post i made at two am and then put in my drafts and forgot about LMAO

[somehowmags]

i’ve seen a lot of posts talking about nimona’s queer messages which is great! but ive not seen as many posts talking analyzing how both ballister and ambrosius were changed to be asian, which is a shame because i genuinely think its one of the most important parts of the film! a huge part of it is a deconstruction of the model minority myth and respectability politics, both of which are big issues in the asian american community. both of them represent each side of the spectrum, with ambrosius expected to be superhuman with very little support and ballister being seen as less than human, no matter how hard he tries- a monster.

ambrosius (who is now east asian, like his voice actor eugene lee yang, who is korean with chinese and japanese ancestry), despite being in a seemingly powerful position as head of the knights and a descendant of gloreth, he isn’t really given the kind of support that this position needs- he’s constantly undermined and belittled by todd, the face of the other knights, and when asked about his emotional state by the director, represses his emotions rather than talk to her about his true feelings. this is very similar to how asian american students in schools aren’t given the support they need academically by teachers and administration, as the model minority myth leads to them being perceived as more intelligent and competent than their fellow students and therefore not needing support. he’s also held to a higher standard than any of the other knights, being immediately placed into a position of power despite just being knighted, again a reflection of the model minority myth, since asian americans are held to higher standards unfairly. despite being technically better off than ballister, he has no support, no friends, no way to seek help for his problems, and, just like ballister, is immediately thrown away the moment the director thinks he’s served his use.

ballister is now pakistani, like his voice actor riz ahmed (no, not like pedro pascal. where did this come from lol), and i’d go as far as to say that he is also, if not explicitly muslim, heavily muslim coded as well. he’s framed as a terrorist by the white, christian institution, and from then on, it doesn’t matter how good he tries to be- everyone else sees him as a monster. he’s also from a lower socioeconomic class than ambrosius and the rest of the knights- while this is initially used to frame him as a success story, after he’s framed, it’s used to cast suspicion on him. almost immediately he’s othered, with posters casting him as a foreign invader sent to destabilize the city, much in the same way that muslim immigrants are seen in real life. even when he tries to be peaceful and good, it’s always twisted so that he’s the monster of the story. while ambrosius is held to too high of a standard, ballister will never be enough for the institution to accept.

which is why both of their arcs culminate in them breaking out of the system, learning to accept what they’d been taught was monstrous, and leaving behind respectability. it’s a genuinely great commentary, and i can definitely see why riz ahmed and eugene lee yang were chosen for this, as they’ve both done activist work for their communities.

[darling-wendy]

rei and miri's physicality: a chronological analysis (part 1)

Time to go into one of the meta topics that has been buzzing in my head for a while now. It's about how Miri and Rei interact with respect to physical contact, and how I am smitten by the way he's so gentle with her and lets her take liberties with him. This is gonna be long and image-heavy [NB now has descriptions]. I have to split it into two parts because of the image limit.

Episode 2! This is the first time that Miri and Rei have physical contact with each other, and it's Kazuki pawning her off to Rei so he can make breakfast without her running underfoot.

As I went to get these screencaps, I noticed that Rei's hands automatically come up to hold her even though he's clearly kind of sceptical about the arrangement at this point. (Lol at Kazuki backing away as though he's afraid Miri is radioactive).

Episode 3! And here begins a running gag about Miri's favourite way to wake up Rei lmao.

I'm curious as to why Rei was sleeping on the sofa to begin with, when that's where they put Miri until she gets her own room in episode 4, and Miri didn't know Rei slept in the bathroom until later on.

Miri goes looking for Rei after Kazuki turns down her request to sleep with him. She finds Rei sleeping in the bathtub as per usual for him and eagerly clambers into the tub so she can sleep with him. Going by the setup of Misaki's apartment in episode 11, she's probably used to sleeping with her mother.

Despite his resting bitch face and reserved demeanour, Miri is already super comfortable with him. She's plopped on his chest, pawing at his face, and goading him to smile. And Rei is very accommodating of her whims. He later tells her to stop kicking the back of his seat in the car, but doesn't tell her to stop pawing at his face. Around this time in the story, Kazuki complained about her climbing into his lap when he was trying to eat, but Rei just....lets this happen lol.

There's a cut out and it fades back into her asleep in the tub, wrapped in Rei's blanket as he looks down at her from outside it. The implication seems to be that she just tired herself out pawing at Rei and then he relinquished his sleeping spot, probably to go out on the sofa.

Such a significant moment. I had already realised that this was the first time that Rei had addressed Miri by name, but it was only while I was drafting this post that it hit me that this was also the first time he had willingly and consciously initiated physical contact with her. I also think it's significant that he repeats the 'Let's go home, Miri' line after she's jumped into his arms. It's him fully committing to the sentiment.

It's sweet how after he has made his 'I'm her papa' resolve, he doesn't seem to put her down again until they meet back up with Kazuki.

Episode 4!

It's so adorable how Miri loves climbing on Rei and how he just let's her despite him not being a tactile person.

Him keeping Miri on his lap after they both woke up from their nap is so precious.

Tsundere Rei lol. Even though he acted very put upon to be there, he was clearly paying attention and even anticipated the high five coming before Kazuki did.

I think this is the only instance of her hugging both their legs at once and I love it. I love it! It's so dear to me. I love this family 😭

Episode 5!

Rei's expression here is golden. Miri, like most small children, is very adorable. But, also like most small children, she can be very annoying lol.

We get another instance of her preferred method of waking up Rei--jumping on him--band she even shakes him for good measure, but he's simply too tired to react.

This is also a good point to note the difference between him sensing something and waking up before she even flipped the lights in episode 3 and the way he's now so comfortable with her presence here that can even sleep through her deliberately trying to wake him.

I wish I had a gif because screenshots do not do justice to the softness with which Rei picks up and gazes at Miri while she's asleep. He's 1000% having a 'that's my baby girl; I'm her dad' moment.

And just look at his expression after Kyu reveals he knows what the deal is. He's nervous about what Kyu will do, and there's also so much 'don't take her away from me' energy coming off him. I see in him shades of the Rei who will tell Kazuki that he wants to keep taking care of her after her mother is killed.

And that's part one! Part two is here.

[pigeonwit]

I AM ASKING YOU ABOUT RACEVID (or RAVEY, or whatever it is the kids call it wbwbwb) !!!!

(i got one nice ask about it so i'm digging out this half-a-year old draft to talk about my personal racevid hcs that i cringe-cultured myself out of posting, take it away pidge-from-six-months-ago)

i honestly wasn't expecting this much racevid support. on my old newsies blog way back i made posts about these guys and they typically only got like. 3 notes? granted my writing wasn't as good so maybe i'm persuading people. or maybe the newsies fandom is finally waking up to the wonderful possibilities of multishipping. one of the two.

part two of the racevid analysis!! this one is less of an analysis of how they behave in the musical and more my own personal headcanons of their relationship and how it develops. part one (a very unpolished and rambley analysis of racevid in uksies) is here if anyone's curious!

right. so. it's act 2. jack publicly denounced and betrayed the strike. race leaves with davey, both in shame over being betrayed by (to race) the brother he grew up with and trusted more than anyone and (to davey) the guy he didn't even want to trust in the first place, but still put his faith in despite knowing better. the next day jack comes BACK, asking them both to trust him again. what would you do.

i'm of the firm belief that race only came back to the strike because davey agreed to come back, too. i don't think either of them necessarily FORGAVE jack in that moment - it'd only been a day and while we as the audience understand why jack (a frightened seventeen year old with little to no prospects or power) did what he did, we can also understand why it stung so deeply for them to be betrayed by someone they put so much faith in. especially davey - like i said in part 1, i believe davey has feelings for jack in every universe, and for him to not only trust, but fall in love with someone despite knowing better, only for it to come back and bite him (the way he KNEW it would but convinced himself otherwise) would be a humiliation that runs deep for him. but davey believes in doing the right thing, and as much as jack hurt him, he still trusts him to do what's right, too. that's another one of those strange mirrored-similarities race and davey have - davey loves so intensely that he still has faith in the good of a person, even when he believes that that person isn't good to him. race loves so intensely that if you burn the bridge you have with him, he will do everything he can to keep it from getting rebuilt.

i know both of them would forgive jack eventually. for davey, jack's family. you fight with family, you disagree, you throw things and scream in each other's faces, but you do that because you love each other and want what's best. so as long as jack's willing to put the work in, davey is, too, and he can still be mad at jack and not willing to forgive him yet while still loving him. i think race is a different story, though, especially JPB's race, who i think has a lot more grit, anger and seriousness to him than other race's. race has been with jack for years, they've grown together, talked together, maybe he hasn't always been perfect, but if jack was so scared, why he couldn't he just talk to him?! i personally view race as a kid who was very overlooked by his family (i saw that 'race has like 12 cousins in brooklyn' thing someone said and ran with it, so in my head he comes from a BIIIIG big catholic family) and so he takes it quite personally when people ignore him. in his head, jack not trusting him enough with his fears is saying he doesn't trust race the way race trusts him, doesn't see him as family the way race sees him like a brother. and i think race's response to this (in his own mentally ill 'i love you so much that i hate you for it' way) is to push him away. he's looking for reasons to resent jack here - and i think a big one of those reasons is davey.

for context; like i said in part one, my personal Racevid Story is that after the rally failure, race - being person who's used to the temporary nature of pleasure, and so grabs hold of any vice he can without thinking (gambling, smoking, fighting, etc) - would've impulsively kissed davey as a sort of 'please stay, i need help, please don't leave me in this mess alone' gesture. but i think davey is so used to shoving down his feelings and pretending he's fine that he would've gotten freaked out by the sudden notion that maybe race is attracted to him. he's barely got a handle on his feelings for jack, he's alone and scared and has no one to talk to, and now race is here, KISSING him, and it's all wonderful and confusing and TERRIFYING and he can't deal with it right now. so i think they would've just stopped, stared at each other, mumbled some kind of excuse and let themselves be dragged to their own responsibilities - race to the newsies, davey to his family, and neither of them having the nerve to actually understand what they want, because that would mean being vulnerable enough to want something.

i think jack coming back and davey immediately trusting him (despite knowing better) is going to make race angry for two reasons; first of all, like i said two paragraphs ago (fuck i'm rambling so much here) i think race would be looking for reasons to resent jack for what he did (again, coming from a very teenagery 'i love you so much i hate you for it' place), and second, i think it's also a source of jealousy for him. davey BARELY knew jack and still gave him everything. davey had no reason to trust any of them and he still did. davey could've thrown race away immediately, but he still made the effort to see him, so how dare jack cast that aside in favour of a daydream? (again, this isn't a jack criticism - this is just how i think race views the situation.) race (to me) is not used to people seeing him, certainly not used to people making an EFFORT to see him and take him seriously, and davey gave him all of that without him even needing to ask for it - and now race has messed that up and davey isn't talking to him, which he probably deserves, but jack messed up too!! why does JACK get to keep being seen? doesn't race deserve it, too? (again, i really think race's family overlooked him a lot and that's why he tries so hard to be such a commanding presence and keep peoples attention, because it hurts so much when other people are allowed attention so freely and he isn't.)

i don't buy in to davey being a mom-friend who wants to solve all his friends problems for them. i did shit like that when i was younger, and honestly i still do, and i just don't think that after the strike and all that he learned about himself, davey would fall into assuming that the only value he has is to fix things for everyone else (i mean, i do still think davey would have some issues to work out after the strike, hence 'run boy run', but not this specific issue). but i do think davey is very protective over the people he loves, and i think this rift between jack and race is affecting him, too. i think maybe the topic of jack comes up, and he tries getting race to talk more about it. when race refuses to talk, davey - finally - brings up the kiss.

this is entering fanfiction territory so im not gonna try to write out dialogue here or anything. i think itd be another example of them fumbling for a way to reach one another. neither one is used to speaking the others language, so to speak. i think race would feel especially humiliated given the turbulent situation, and i think davey would be struggling so much to find the 'right' words that he'd become defensive and panicky. and i think that would all bubble up into davey just blurting out something of the lines of 'i trust you'. and i think that'd be the thing that connects for them. not just being liked, but being seen for all their flaws and difficulties and being trusted anyways. i think that'd be the trigger for davey bullying race into finally talking to jack about what happened, race coming back to the strike, and the two of them entering a slow, tentative relationship that, as their dynamic in the show does, grows much steadier with time.

[dicknouget]

A Response to Reviews and Certain Objections on Adam's Character Relevance Essay

Normally I like to keep this in PM's, but I'd rather use this as an addendum. I'm collecting responses from both FFNet and Tumblr into one document so I'm not running everywhere. On FFNet it will be added as a sixth chapter to the essay, on Tumblr as a separate post. My username is the same on both websites.

There is a point in one of the objections where it may come across as pro-Russian, I need to clarify I'm a staunch anti-imperialist, and reject all forms of imperialism. Every nation has its right to self determination.

I'm going to put the responses to the objections under a cut.

I want to thank everyone for the kind responses to this essay. This is something that I've worked on since April/May, and I am rather proud of it.

Tumblr Responses:

@fallentitan98:

I already responded to you in the notes of the original essay but I wanted to answer it here so I can centralize my responses.

He's was already enraged because Blake was with Yang. Who he saw her with fundamentally would not have changed the outcome of his fate. I mention this in one of the objections later on, but Adam doesn't add anything new to Weiss' story outside of reminding her what her families done to the faunus. I guess this is more of a subjective criticism, and kudos for acknowledging personal bias. A lot of critics fail to do so.

FF Net Responses:

Cryogony:

Hope you enjoy it! I'm working on my media analytical skills and I wanted to practice on one of my favourite shows

Oldest Guest on Chapter 5 review:

Adam did have potential early on, but he misplaced his anger at the wrong group. I agree with you this makes him a tragic character, and part of why I enjoy his character.

Second oldest guest on Chapter 5 review:

No comments. I agree with you on this. I think a lot of his fans misinterpret him as RWBY's version of Vergil. And while there are similarities, the biggest difference is battle wisdom, and it's painfully obvious that Adam lost a lot of it in Vol 6.

Essiter1987:

I am planning on writing more analytical essays, I have a couple pinned on my tumblr. The next big essay I have in progress is on character relationship growth using WhiteKnight as an example. I will admit that there is a bit of a personal bias to that one, but I try to stay objective to it.

I enjoy Adam's character, but I don't enjoy him as a person. I totally agree with you in terms of the writing and the power scaling issues. Monty was one hell of an animator, but I do agree that Adam's initial impression has led to misinterpretation of his character.

In terms of the Vol 6 fight, I'm also drafting an essay on why it made sense that Adam lost. It wasn't a moment where the story needed him to die, but one that if you pay attention to Blake and Yang's stories in the Mistral Arc, it starts to make sense. Again very early in the works, will probably have that one done before the WK analysis.

Keep reading for a response to Objections found on FFNet reviews.

Objections:

First Objection:

"If Jaune died, they could have avenged Jaune. Jaune dying works in the exact same manner as Pyrrha's death. The part with Pyrrha and Jaune here, comes across as you looking at their characters in a one dimensional view. Story point of view Jaune dying and Pyrrha living makes for a more interesting story."

There are several points within this objection and I’m going to attempt to address all of them.

First is the assertion that Pyrrha living makes for a more interesting story. Does it? Pyrrha was already at the peak of her physical prowess and was a living safety net for RWBY and JNR. 

Even if she did manage to survive and continue on in the story, her heel is permanently damaged and would have to adapt to a new cybernetic limb, which already exists as Yang’s story.

The battle at Haven still would have taken place, the two biggest differences being the fight being ignited by another character and Weiss or another character kicking the bucket, due to the lack of a healing semblance from Jaune.

Then there’s the Vol 6 trip to Argus, which would have likely skipped Brunswick Farms and having a much more difficult time establishing a plan to Atlas once arriving at Argus.

Vol 7 likely would have panned out similarly, as Jaune was more background in that volume.

Vol 8 would have seen the team split on which objective to focus on as it was Jaune who decided the split.

When viewing Pyrrha from a design perspective it made sense that she died. Again referencing her allusion, and more specifically her name.

I am aware of the “JNPR dies theory”, but Pyrrha’s the only one who reached her full potential before the main plot began and her presence so far has been more effective with haunting the narrative.

Second Objection:

"Jaune's chance for growth came all the way back in Season 1 he wasn't interested in changing for the better, in all reality."

Throughout the Beacon Arc we see him move past his crush on Weiss to help her as a friend rather than as a love interest. He trains throughout Beacon alongside Pyrrha and is shown on screen to be training to videos that she recorded for him.

We see him grow into a greater tactician and strategist, first seen in V4 with the Geist and again with the Knucklevee, in vol 6 with the heist and in vol 8 with the 'divide and conquer' plan.

To ignore his growth is to ignore the reality of the show.

Third Objection:

"Adam Rwby's villain. Adam is the only character who can claim to be a villain to all of RWBY as a team."

Cinder Fall, Salem, and Neo apparently don't exist...

Adam has no narrative connection to Ruby outside of 'the guy who sliced off his sisters arm'. While, it you could argue it's a connection, it's not the same intensity as Yang and Adam's, and doesn't add anything new to Ruby's story. Ruby would likely see him as 'another enemy' rather than a personal threat, like she does Cinder.

Adam doesn't add anything new to Weiss' story outside of reminding her what her family has done to the faunus. Something she's already been aware of since meeting Blake back in volume 1, and reminded of when RWBYJNR went on the mission with the Ace Ops in V7.

Out of the main cast, Adam is the antagonist to Blake and Yang alone.

Fourth Objection:

"Adam's actual goal was actually 'change'. He also wanted to be in charge and hold the power but that came from all the abuse he suffered and witnessed."

The change he wanted was an oppressive change not a liberating change, one that required him to be self empowering. His end goal for 'change' required the deaths of civilians, as demonstrated in the Black trailer, the Fall of Beacon, and the Battle for Haven.

There is a quote by Paulo Freire that can summarize Adam's goal of change perfectly:

"The oppressed, instead of striving for liberation, tend themselves to become oppressors."

Rather than striving for liberation and emancipation through armed struggle (i.e. the American Revolution against the British (a historically progressive moment), the Russian Revolutions in 1917, the August revolution in Vietnam, the Haitian revolution and both coup's in Burkina Faso), he chose an oppressive change akin to how several of modern day far right groups in Eastern Europe want to treat Russians living in their country.

Fifth Objection:

"The fact you think Adam is a one dimensional character"

I don't. In the conclusion I literally say he had potential. He isn't a complex character, but there is nuance to him, much like Cinder. He had dimension to his character, but he wastes it by going down his destructive path. If he didn't continue down his path of chauvinism, he likely could have become an anti-hero or anti-villain.

Sixth Objection:

“Adam is just a wasted potential of a character. Conclusion you forgot about Ruby and Weiss.”

Again, Adam was largely irrelevant to Ruby’s story and didn’t add anything new to Weiss’. There was no reason to add them.

[pendragora]

Case of Barbara, Jason & Bruce's Dynamic

Disclaimer: this is a long post in which I am going into a detailed analysis of interactions featured in two pieces of media (Three Jokers 1-3 and Task Force Z №8) between mentioned above characters. This take is purely my opinion and based on my personal research on topic of communication. If you want to start a discussion with me, please, be polite about it. I'm not here to pick up a fight. Any rude replies will be deleted.

Recently I’ve watched an interview from developers of Gotham Knights in which they touched upon the subject of difference in interaction between featured Bats. The focus was specifically on Barbara and Jason and it reminded me how I got this thing sitting in my drafts for months.

Enjoy!

I am writing this analysis under the impression from reading Three Jokers and one of the issues of Task Force Z that featured the interaction between Jason and Batfamily members.

I am not going to go into a detail about them all, but Jason and Barbara specifically because they are connected to a reoccurring pattern that I noticed in Three Jokers and they are, in my opinion, are the key to understanding Jason’s dynamic with his family.

To provide context, I've noticed one really alarming thing back in winter when I read Three Jokers (yes, I was a little late for the party). It was a comparison of Jason and Barbara made by Bruce that in the end opposed the two of them in a "Jason bad/Barbara good" manner.

What I mean is that Bruce, given both Jason and Barbara went through a traumatic episode because of Joker, makes an argument that Jason’s healing went wrong and that he wished that the former Robin actually would be more like Barbara, implying that her path of recovery was seen as “good”, making her stronger.

While it's understandable that Bruce would wish on his child a better recovery, the wording and the way this interaction was portrayed makes it seem like Bruce actually evaluates Jason's recovery as negative and unsatisfactory while putting Barbara as an example of what he'd expected. The implication that only Barbara got stronger because she chose the path that is deemed worthy by Bruce disregards Jason’s suffering that he claims to understand in “Three Jokers №2”. It's unpleasant to see him downplay Jason's journey and compare things that should not be compared as cherry-picking at someone's experience and evaluating it as good or bad is a pretty common thing in our society still.

I would argue that it is unethical and inappropriate on Bruce's side to make such an assumption for one simple reason: we can't compare trauma and recovery of two individuals because 1) both experiences are valid and should be respected; 2) aside from Joker's involvement there is no common ground for comparison. Let’s take a closer look at both of said experiences.

Jason's trauma is not necessarily about Joker. It's more about the fact that his death meant nothing in the long run, that his mentor moved on to another child soldier and his killer continued to kill. On top of that, the world around changed without him, leaving a lost teenage boy he was out. He had not only to recover from several shocking events such as the encounter with Joker, inevitable death of his birth-mother and his own death, resurrection and Lazarus Pit effects, but also the new world around him. We should also consider the fact, that Jason's recovery went in absolutely unknown to him conditions and places, with no support from people he knew or used to rely on. While it is not the first time he had to deal with things in his life on his own, it is quite a heart-breaking event for him, considering that for some time Jason had that support, someone to rely on. The shock value is also at fault for the way he proceeds his trauma and recovers from it.

I would also like to mention that it would be wrong to blame the family for not being with Jason when he needed them, that’s just how circumstances played out. What we should talk about is the way he is treated in the family after his initial recovery and come-back, but that’s for later.

Barbara’s traumatic experience is also not tied to Joker entirely. While he was the cause for her suffering, paralyzing her and further hurting her mentally by taking pictures of her naked body, her journey strives far away from him and focuses more on the other motive - helplessness and reliance. These motives come from two points: 1) in the moment of being shot and abused by Joker, she is unable to save herself, making it look like she needed someone else to come and rescue her; and 2) the tragic event Barbara went through took away her life metaphorically as, being disabled, she wouldn’t be able to continue her path as Batgirl and live her civilian life in the same way as before. The world around her did not change, but rather the conditions she was in changed and would heavily impact her as the feeling of helplessness that she felt during the episode with Joker was now an ongoing motive in her life. She lost her mobility and had to rely on others to help her navigate in the new conditions. The entirety of Barbara’s journey is about overcoming that feeling, learning how to still be herself in a seemingly new world, adapting and growing despite everything. Traumatic as it was, it still gave her an opportunity to reborn into a leader and independent hero as Oracle and later return to the cowl on her own conditions. Three Jokers №2 briefly covers the pains and difficulties she had to endure with her physical recovery, but Barbara herself claims that the outer support from her father, her doctors, etc. helped her a lot.

While still receiving support, she proved herself to be independent and capable on her own which in some way shows her partial trauma recovery, excluding the motives of helplessness and reliance. I consider her journey to be beautiful and inspiring, with all honesty, it created a whole new soft spot for Barbara in my heart on top of the one I already had.

Both of pieces about Jason's or Barbara's trauma are purely my personal take, but even if we exclude my thoughts, the factual information that is given in canon is enough to make a conclusion that those two experiences are nothing alike therefore incomparable. Before moving to the next part, I would like to mention that as much as their conditions differed, it does not mean that Barbara’s trauma is less to Jason’s or vice-versa. Both experiences should be treated as valid and equal, moreover, whatever is the outcome of recovery, it should not give the ground to evaluation and put someone on the pedestal as “an example of better/good recovery”. Not only it diminishes somebody’s struggle, it creates tension between two individuals that is not necessary, which we can see happening.

Here I would like to include Bruce into the picture. Let me explain why.

Bruce, in a way, is a root of the problem. He is at fault, but not for not being here for Jason back then, he is at fault for not trying to understand Jason and his trauma fully and further mishandling of situations that involve his son. His own system of beliefs and morals stops him. While it’s not necessary a bad thing to have different opinions, it is wrong to exclude any possibility of a healthy dialog between individuals based on those differences. We all are familiar with the way Bruce and Jason interact and it rarely ends well simply because one side wants to be heard and the other does not want to listen. It creates a clash and misunderstanding that is shown in the Three Jokers №3:

This interaction fails because Bruce has a certain vision of what Jason needs while it was never communicated with Jason what he in fact needs and any attempts at that end with a fight. It also makes Barbara here (and the whole family in perspective) to take sides and go with “Bruce is trying while Jason does not give him a chance” but it’s a clear miscommunication. Jason never asked for what Bruce is trying to give him and Bruce never tried to talk it out openly, with a guarantee that nobody is going to get backlash. The dialog between them is not established and therefore leads to such instances; it opposes siblings and friends against each other furthering the consequences this ongoing miscommunication has. Jason, claiming he doesn’t need help in the next slide, is the proof that it was never discussed what and whether or not he needs anything at all.

My personal take here is simple: whether or not Jason needs help, he is not going to ask it from Bruce or his family, not because of his personal qualities, but because he is tired of knocking on the closed door. His past experience of surviving alone on the streets and recovering by himself also contributes to why he replies the way he does.

Moreover, it’s not much of “Jason being stubborn about going out of his way”, it is rather “Bruce pushing his agenda onto everyone in the family and not accepting anything (and anyone with) a different take”. Even in that instance Barbara, as the one opposed to Jason since she and the path she took after her trauma are in favour of Bruce, blindly follows Bruce and allows miscommunication by taking his side without taking into consideration Jason’s perspective. It’s understandable. After all, Bruce is her hero, inspiration and mentor. Regardless of whether or not it is on purpose, he has a certain influence of everybody in the family as their father figure or, at the very least, a mentor, a beacon of hope for their city.

Still, it does not excuse the ongoing miscommunication within the family. The dialog or the lack of it is important because Task Force Z №8 shows that at least one of the parties is open to the communication.

Whether or not it was a conversation that was calculated (which I doubt) and manipulated in Jason’s favour (more likely), it still is meaningful as an example of a dialog where both people are treated as equals by the end of the interaction (which should be the case).

In the frame above we can clearly see Barbara 1) pointing at the reoccurring issue (“you’re pretty hard to talk to”) and 2) establishing her independence (“I am not Bruce”) and Jason showing how the situation looks from his side and defending himself. Here we can see that Barbara is willing to talk, however, she can see that Jason becomes defensive around her (which is justified since we take into account that she clearly holds onto an existing agenda and an image it pushes on Jason). What happens after these frames is much more prominent.

Barbara recognizes Jason as her friend, which he actually needs, however, quickly ruins a moment that could be heart-warming and touching because of the false assumptions that are based on the view we discussed previously. It is a condescending attitude, which Jason recognizes and is not willing to allow by putting his boundary up (“We’re done here”) and explaining to Barbara where she went wrong in the conversation. He communicates how his boundaries were overstepped (which he expects from Bruce, a father figure, not Barbara, a friend).

Via that exchange, Jason levels himself and Barbara, showing that he is an equal to her, an individual that does not live up to the image that Batfamily has of him.

What’s more important is the way Barbara reacts: she accepts her fault and apologizes, directly saying that she screwed up. It’s prominent simply because behind such a small portion of dialog we can see that she listens to what Jason has to say; she is able and is willing to form her own opinion on him, step aside from the image she based her opinion of previously. It straightens the idea that, at least in the moment, Barbara and Jason are equal to each other, not one of them being worse than other, as Bruce put it. It’s also an example of a mature reaction to a mistake made in communication process.

I would also like to mention that it happens without Bruce being in the picture, unlike the interaction in Three Jokers, which certainly is helpful because it does not set Jason off immediately and allows the room for Barbara to be open-minded in the moment.

Taking into consideration that it is a Jason-centred media, we can state that he clearly is inclined towards being open and listened to and entertains the idea of establishing a connection with Batfamily members. Why do we see such difference when it comes to Bruce, then? To answer that question, we need to return to Three Jokers:

Shout out to all my fellow Jason stans who just got an ick from a reoccurring “You don’t understand… You never have”(Three Jokers, frame from above)/”You don’t understand… I don’t think you’ve ever understood” (animated Under the Red Hood). It is an ongoing pattern of behaviour when it comes to Bruce and Jason that came into place from the very first post-resurrection Jason’s appearance. To my mind, it is what stops the problem between the two from resolving: from the very beginning of Jason’s path as an antihero, we can see Bruce pushing the image he developed because of the difference in the views they both have (which also would not have been the case if the difference was communicated properly and both parties would come to a mutual understanding of their valid points).

I also find it important to mention that Three Jokers is more of a Bruce-centred piece of media, this is why we see the pattern showing and Barbara taking his side throughout the entirety of three issues. Same with Task Force Z – Jason-centred piece of media in which we can see how Barbara is less influenced by her views (partially or majorly passed onto her by Bruce) and more open-minded towards acceptance and allowance that Jason seeks in the family. With other Batfamily members it is the same thing.

That clash in communication is a rupture on the whole family now and it will continue to resurface until the moment Jason and Bruce (emphasis on Bruce since he is a parental figure and the main influence on everyone in the family) resolve the conflict between themselves and establish a healthy dialog. We will only see any growth and change in the family dynamic if authors decide to give up on this ongoing since 2005 family drama.

I would also argue that the choice of character in Task Force Z is not a coincidence for one reason: Barbara is not Bruce’s child in any matter, she has her own father she loves dearly and she also has a role outside of the family as the Oracle and as the Bird of Prey. She is much more independent and self-sufficient which allows her to be more flexible and inclined towards seeing the other perspective that Jason has. As much as nor she agrees neither condones Jason’s actions, his motives and his take on the situation that also affects their friendship are valuable to her which makes a room for some sort of understanding from her side.

This is why, in hindsight, the interaction between Jason and Barbara in TFZ #8 is so important, especially put next to the interaction they both had with Bruce in Three Jokers. It provides readers, who follow appearances of these particular characters, with an idea of establishing boundaries and inappropriateness of mentioned comparison/attitude to exist between two individuals with valid experiences. It was good to see Jason react accordingly to condescending attitude and Barbara accepting her mistake and apologizing for it, which could possibly give ground for allowance and acceptance of his experience on her side in the long run. It's far-fetched, but it's what we are supposed to have, not a harmful comparison that opposes things that should not be opposed at all.

Considering all of above, I wanted to say that it’s harmful to see such behaviour presented as a norm; it only straightens the idea that we should evaluate each other experience with trauma recovery. The only person who can speak on such subject is the person in recovery or, at last, a professional who helps said person through their recovery, not somebody outside of the experience who can enforce the idea of good and bad according to their own or societal standards.

It's natural to have different individual experiences even if some parts of traumas coincide or even if individuals have a shared traumatic experience. Under no circumstances should we put it into good/bad evaluation perspective.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk, I'll be taking my leave now.

Add.note: foreseeing the “it’s not that deep” comments I digress and leave body language portion out of this piece of text I wrote because, as much as we all would want a deeper meaning to be in comics, it’s still an art piece that might not have any consideration behind it. Don’t come after me, I stand behind what I said.

[alphabravocharliedelta]

Therefore I Am | Russell Adler x Bell! Reader V

Series: Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War

Therefore I Am | Russell Adler x Bell! Reader

Chapter V

Word Count: 7900+

[Chapter IV] [Chapter VI]

Summary:  [Y/N] “Bell” [L/N] was content with dying. Shot by the person whom they admired and left to die, the world was now left in the hands of the team they once thought as family. However, it seems that fate had other plans in mind…

Content Warning: mature content, vulgar language, unreality, drugs, war crimes

Notes: I had to revise this chapter a lot, the original draft and final turned out way different, but I’m satisfied with the results. Also posting a bit early since I might be too busy next week! I ran out of gifs to use for the header too.

[Y/N] “Bell” [L/N]

August, 1983

CIA Safehouse, West Germany

The escape from Berlin was a success, albeit the minor inconvenience.

Right when you got back to the safehouse, you threw off everything on you to take a shower before heading off to sleep, mentally and physically exhausted. You would fill out your action report tomorrow whenever you woke up.

The intel Mason found was a bit lackluster, mainly consisting of a tiny vile of a peculiar gas and a few papers of names. You could see why he was a bit disappointed. Despite your initial speculation, Hudson seemed satisfied with the outcome, and the canister containing the substance was sent back to the U.S. for analysis. 

It was remarkably chilly when you woke up. Your blanket was on the floor and the sheets, despite the cold, were sticking to your skin, and your limbs were heavy as you stood up and stretched. You felt a bit lethargic, swaying a bit as you walked out the door, but you brushed it off. Looking at your watch, it was around eight-thirty in the morning. 

“Morning Bell,” Mason greets as you walk out to the main area. He was near the weapon wall, polishing up one of the rifles. 

“Hey. How’s the head?”

“I’ll live. Oh yeah, Adler was looking for you."

You gave him a confused look. "Why?"

"Something about the evidence board. Wanted you to check the intel on the table."

"Of course he does."

You pulled out a stool from underneath the table, hauling it over to in front of the evidence board with the dossier in hand. In the end, your connection with Perseus was still being put to use, Adler and Hudson wanting you to scour the evidence for any potential connections or correlations they don't have insider knowledge on. If that’s what their use was for you, then so be it.

The folder, along with the board, was starting to get full with papers and polaroids. There were newspaper clippings here and there, yellow post-its with plausible theories written on them, red string connecting one thing to another. A picture of the tiny capsule the team retrieved was even on there. 

You paused, eyes lingering on a photo of a younger Perseus. His hair was much darker than it was now, nor did he have the mustache. Next to it, a note with "Perseus on the move again?", as well as an iron-on patch of the group's symbol. Some files relating to Operation Greenlight were also plastered next to him.

There was the symbol. The colors were yellow, black and red. Something that you used to bear proudly on your arm. Perseus himself even gave a patch to you after you made the effort to prove yourself. 

Shaking off the memories, you turn your attention back to the dossier. You meticulously took everything out and placed it neatly on the table. Examining the documents, there wasn't much to decrypt, since most of it was typed in plain words. There were a few names, none of which you recognized, but there was one that was blacked out.

[Feigenbaum, Wilhelm 

Nikitin, Mefodiy

Kutznetsov, Oriel

Borga, Felipe]

Whoever scribbled the name out must have been in a hurry; they did a good job. You held it up to the light, seeing if you could read the original text through the ink, but to no avail. 

However, you did notice that something did reveal itself. There was a collection of random icons at the bottom, although in code. Huge gaps were between each one, and the symbols themselves were miniscule, so you had to bring out a magnifier to read it. The text was written in a format you couldn't understand.

But the more you scrutinized it, comparing it to other commonly used codes, you came to recognize a few patterns. 

They were the ones Perseus uses to relay information. You even wrote some in the format. 

You held up more papers to the light, trying to see if there was anything else. There were only two other hidden messages, both spaced out in similar fashion: one on an old newspaper clipping and another on a piece of scrap paper that looked like someone's diary entry. Something noticeable was that the material of the three pieces were thinner than average.

"You're either going to go blind or fall off the chair if you keep doing that."

Removing the papers from your view, Lazar gleamed down at you.

"Don't jinx it now," you respond. 

"Here."

He brings over a table lamp, plugging it into a nearby surge protector. You thank him, turning it on. It flashed brightly in your eye, and you could feel your headache tighten around the back of your head.

Lazar watches you work as you knit your brows in a concentrated fashion. It was a bit chilly in the safehouse today, and yet he could see little beads of sweat forming on your forehead. "You look a little pale, Bell."

"I'm fine."

Checking your suspicions, you gathered up the three papers, straightening them up on the table before hovering them over the lamp light. Sure enough, the codes at the bottom lined up perfectly. 

"Can you hold this for me Lazar?" you ask.

"Can I?"

A long exhale. "May you hold this?"

He keeps the papers suspended in the air as you write down the code on a piece of paper. You then collect it from him, switching the order around before letting Lazar hold it in place.

"Okay, I think I got all of them."

He hands them back over. "How do you even understand these codes anyway?"

You shrug. "Lots of studying and pain." 

Going to the computer, you access CIA records and look up the names from earlier. Interestingly, one of them was already deceased, being Felipe Borga. You wrote the info down on a nearby post-it before slapping it onto the paper. About to pin your findings to the board, you see the picture of young Perseus staring back at you again, his dark irises boring holes into your being.

"̶I̶'̶v̶e̶ b̶e̶e̶n̶ l̶o̶o̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ f̶o̶r̶ s̶o̶m̶e̶o̶n̶e̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶ y̶o̶u̶r̶ s̶k̶i̶l̶l̶ f̶o̶r̶ q̶u̶i̶t̶e̶ a̶ w̶h̶i̶l̶e̶ n̶o̶w��.̶"̶

Adler had called him handsome, though you could never see it that way. While you never met Perseus when he was younger, that man was your superior, so to belittle his name with useless romantic descriptions felt like an insult. Despite working for the CIA, it was difficult to paint him in a different light other than your old boss. Looking at the brood expression only brought an unwanted sense of longing. You didn’t regret working with the CIA, but it served as a horrid reminder of your ties with Perseus, and the things you have done under the name.

As you recall your past, the throbbing pain from earlier felt like it was only getting worse, the pressure on your temples further tightening. Not only that, but the auditory hallucinations were joining in. It wasn't Adler, nor Park, Lazar, Woods or Mason who were speaking, but Perseus in the mother tongue. He sounded odd, voice deeper and warping; it felt like he was right there, standing next to you. 

"̶I̶ w̶a̶n̶t̶ y̶o̶u̶ t̶o̶ j̶o̶i̶n̶ u̶s̶.̶"̶

Whatever peace you had was short-lived.

I’m fine, you tried to assure yourself. Maybe you just needed a glass of water. Then, after that, you could work on the code.

You tried to move away from the board, hoping that the headache was just temporary, but each step felt like sandbags were strapped to your legs. The room felt unusually longer and wider than you remember, and the sunlight seeping through the windows were blinding. You were swaying and your vision was twirling around counter clockwise. Someone called out to you, but you couldn't figure out who.

“Fuck,” you heaved, leaning onto the wall for support. Your fingers dragged along the wall as you tried to make your way to the sink.

“T͌͝h́͝͝e̓̈́̈́ U͐̽̕n͒̈́͠ì̿͘ẗ́͝͝e͆̐͊d̈́͠ S͐̚͝t̾̒̕a͐̾t̾̓̈́e̽͋̚s͛̈́͋ à͋̾n͑̾̓d́̔͝ i̓̚̕ẗ́̽̀s̓͝͝ á̿̓l͑̐̈́l̐̾̈́i͒̒͝e̾̈́̈́s̀̕͝ s͊̓̐l̓̒͝o̐̽̽ẁ̐l̚̚y̓̓͐ c̀̚͝o͑̾́n̓̔̕s̈́̿͝u͒͑͝m̒͌̈́è̽̀ t͋͌͛h͋̚a͐̔t̀́ w̐̈́̚h́̒̿ì͑͠c̽́h̔͋͐ i͋͛̈́s͑͒̓ d̒̐e͑̓̓a̐̓͘r͛̓͊ t͆͊̒o̾̕̕ u͝͝s͐̓͊.̀͌͝”

There were papers in front of you. Volkov sitting on the left, and several other influential leaders at the table. Arash and his blue bomber jacket—

No, Arash is dead, you’re not in the Bunker—

“I̸͉̪̻̿̒̕t̴̫̠͔͛͋͝ i̸͓͍̔́͒s̵̪̘͛̒̾ ẗ̵̝͔̺́̈́͝h̴̡̠͚͑͝e̴͇͔͓͑̕͠ m̵̺̼̘̽͐o̴̢̘̽̓͋͜r̵͙͔̙͆̈́̿à̸͇͍̓͘ĺ̴̝̻͇̐̐ d̵̟̝̐͑͘ǘ̸̘̻̦̽̔ẗ̸͔͍̺́̓͝y̵͕͖͋͘͝ o̸̟͎͎͑̾f̵͇̞͓͒̿͐ P̵̢̘̝͆̓̀e̴͚͎͆̈́͐r̸̪̻̝͒̒͘s̸̡̟̦͛̈́̈́ë̴͚̺̼́̒u̴̻̻̞͋͌́s̸̞̞̘̈́̓͊ t̸̙͎̝̓͋́o̴̢͔̻͋̽ a̴͕̞͉͆͐͑ć̵͙͖̼̚t̵̢͕͉͐͐͝,̴̦̠͉͐͘ w̴͓̪͕̐̾̕h̵̙̙̫͘͝e̵̠̞̘̾̈́n̵͖̘̫͛͋ t̸͍̻̼̓̀̓h̴̘͉̟̒̀͊e̴̺̺͖̽̀y̸̡̞̺͑̀̕ w̸̙̻̻̒̓i̴͖̺͉͒̒͌l̴͉̦͕͠͝l̵͔̠̔̐̿ n̸̻̿̿͜͠ö̸̦̘́͑͋t̴̟͉̙̿́͊.̴̢̢͕̀̀͝”

The safehouse begins to fade out of your vision, and you collapse to your knees, covering your ears as your sense of time becomes lost. You tried to fight it off, but were thrown into a pit of memories that mixed with one another. 

“Ḯ̵̦̻͚̒’̵̪̘͓̐͆͠v̵͖̙͖̔͊͊e̵̦͖̒͠͝ s̸̡͉̈́͐̚͜e̴̢̠͓̔̾̚e̴̟̟͇͛͌͝n̵͎͎͋͊̓ y̸̟͍͓̓͐o̴͍͛̈́̕͜u̵͔͓̠̒̓̚r̵̦̙͔͛͛͆ p̴̟͎͎͑̚͝i̴̡̡͍͊͊͊c̵̦͓̻̀͝t̵͇̺̼̐̓u̴̞͇̦̐̈́͋r̸͚͙͕̈́͐́e̴̫͚͇̽̀̐s̵̢͍̺̓̒̈́.̴͉̺̺͛̔ T̴͍̪̟͐̈́̓h̴͕͖̘͒̈́̔e̴̪̠̙͋̓̿y̸̡̘͋̈́͝ w̸͚̪̾̐e̸̦̦͕̓͑̽r̴̟̘͍̓͆̓e̸̟͙̓̿̓ l̸̼̠̝͊͝o̸̪̙͊͊͒o̴͙̻̞̐̈́͝k̵̠̠̦͌͊͌ḯ̴̡͕̙͑͐n̸̻̪͋͝͠g̵͉̻̺͒͒̾ f̸͇̦̘̾̀͐o̸̡͕̻̿̕͝r̴̻͇̫̐͒̐ y̴̪̦̓́͜͝ö̵͚̝͇́̕u̴̝͎͋͊͆.̴̡͚̔̚͜͝”

I'm not Perseus, you try to convince yourself. He's not here—

Even so, they kept resurfacing, even ones you never saw before. You shut your eyes; you didn’t want to remember, but it was involuntary.

Get out of my fucking head!

"̴͚͖̽̀͜͝Shit, B̴̡̪͑͑͑è̵͚͕̼͑͊l̵͎̦̦̈́̓͝l̴͔̫̀͜͝͝!̴͚͕͚̔̐̚"̵͔͖͓̔̈́̿

“R̵̘̺͇̒̿̒è̵̪̘̞́̾b̵͕̘͍͋͘̕i̸̢͍͓͑͘͝r̸͓̙͒̐͌t̵͖͍̝͊̈́h̴̢͎̟͐͐̕ I̴̼͇̝̽͛͠ś̴̠͖̘̚͠l̸͓͓͔͑͆a̵̡͚̘͐͛̓n̸͕̟̼̈́͛d̴̡̼̞̐̈́͌.̸͍͖͓͊́̚”

“Ḯ̴̢̞͔̓͝ t̴͍̻̪͐̿͠r̴̫̪̈́̈́̐͜u̴͕͙̪͛̚s̵͇͚͖͊͊̀t̸̪̫̪͑́͝ t̵͎̠̞͛͆͝h̴̠͔̿͐͠a̵͔͚̿͘͝t̸̙̞̠͒̽̽ y̸̠̪͝͝o̵͙͕̝̐̕u̴͖̟̾͌̈́ k̵͕͓͌́͌e̸̡͓͉̿̚͝e̴̘͚͉͑̈́̚p̵͓̙̝̈́͑̕ t̴̺̦̽̓̒͜h̸̘̺̘̀̒͘i̵̡͚̠̓̕s̴̫̼̼̔͝͠ a̴̺̝͔͌̾ s̴̡̠͙̽̚ë̸̟̘́͛͛͜c̸̡̙̙̈́͊̽r̸̪̻̪͐͋͊é̴͕̠͕͆͊t̴͇̞̫͐͋̾ f̴̻͉͇̀͋͠o̴̦̫͍͛̽̐r̸͇̝͖̾̀͒ n̸͖̠͊̕͝ò̴̟͇͙͛̈́w̸͓͙̝̿͊.̴̡̝͎̓͑̕”

Make it stop.

“Ö̵̦̘͕́͋͝u̵̫͕͓͐͠͝ŕ̵̪̝͊͝ n̴̢͖͓̽͝͝e̴̢͓͐͑͆w̸̼̠̙̓̿͒ c̵̪̞̐̔͛͜o̴̻̺̞̓̿͘m̸̡͍͓̐͋͋r̴̡̼̘̓̿͐a̵̝̦̓͆͜͠d̴͖̼̓͜͝͠e̴̡͎̝̐̔̔ ḧ̵͙͎̦́̈́͌a̴̟͓̦̔̈́̒s̵͇̫͚̔̐͘ a̵̦̟͇͒͊̽ p̵̡͉̻͌̒r̸̡̺͙͑͝o̵̘̼͚̽̓̽j̵͕͙͖̓̓͝e̵͉͎̦̔̈́͑c̸̪͔͑̐̐t̸͉͔͚͊̚ t̸͓͚̻̽̒̀h̵̻͎̟̓͋̓a̵͖̞͍̓̓̕t̸̝̺͑̿͜ w̵̞̟̙̽͆͝i̵̡̺͙͑̓́l̵̻͇̪̿̒́l̴͉͓̻̀̓͘ a̵̝̙͍͐́̀i̴̝͇͔͆̔̕d̴͉̼̙͐̐ ḯ̵̟͓̕͜n̸̞͍̘̓̒͘ o̴̺͔̘͊͊͊u̴̢̫͊͐͠r̵̘͔̀̾̓͜ g̵͖͙̕͘͜͝o̵̡͖̦̓͑͑a̸͉̻̐͊l̸̪͚̔͐͜͠ o̵̞͎̻͊͛̽f̴̢̺̠͒̈́̚ ǵ̵̟͖͍́͘r̸̻̘̺̔̚e̴̙̞̫̐͑a̸͚̼͙͒͆t̸̻͚̻̐͒e̴͚̦̓̒̚͜r̴͚̠̈́͒͒ p̸͓͉͖̓͝͝o̵̡͙͚͑̚̚w̴̡̠͛͑̚é̴͓̦̈́̓r̴͕͕͓̿̀͑.̵̠͖̘͊͠͝”

You couldn't breathe. It was like someone had pulled a bag over your head. What was he saying? 

"̴͕̺͕͋̀͛W̴̢̡͕̽̽͋ḧ̸̻͔͙́̽͝á̴̺̟̼͘͝t̴͉͓͇̽͘͝'̴͓͔͉̒̾͠s̴̡̼̓͘ ẃ̸̺̟̙͐͑r̸͚̘͙̈́́͝ó̸͚̘͚́͝n̴̼͍͙͛̐͌g̴̟͔͘͘̕ w̵͓͚͕̽͊̿i̵̪͉͔̐̐̾t̵̙͍͇̾͛͘h̵͖̞̒͛͠ B̴̻͇̦̈́̿͝e̴̻͚̠̿̓͘l̸͚͛͌͜l̴͓͚͉͌́̚?̴̢̙͕̿̐́"̵̢̫̼̓̾̐

It hurts.

"̸̠͇̠̀̀͑A̸̢̼̘͆̔͝d̴̪͖̘̈́͌l̵̢̺̦͌̈́̚e̴̻͖͋̓̈́͜r̸͕̪͖̒̐̚!̵̦͇͖̒̽̒"̴̘͎̝̐̒̓

“I̵̫̝̞̿͛̓ t̴͔̻͛͆͋r̵̻͇̘͛͑̚u̸̻̝͚͑̓͝s̴̼̫̒͌́͜t̸̢͓͉͐̓͝ t̵͎̟̀̾̿h̸̫͎͍͋́͘a̴̘̺̦̓͊̈́ẗ̸̡̺͎́̽͠ y̵̡͙͖̽͛̓o̴̢̡͖̒͛̽u̸͖̫̪̓̾͐ t̴̻͎̦͒͒w̸̼̠̓͛̾o̴̡͇̻͆̒͘ ẅ̴͚͚̞́̒͘i̵͉̺͍̒̿̚l̸͉̻̒̈́͊l̴̼͖̦͋̾̚ g̴̻̻̫̾̔e̴̻̟͐̔ẗ̵̝͉̫́͛ a̸͉͙̘͋́͌l̵͉̘̻̈́̈́͛ö̴̡͇̼́̔͊n̸͖̻͇̈́̈́̒ǵ̴̻͎͕̕.̸̝͉͔̿̾͝”

Something grabbed your arm abruptly. Your eyes snap back open, but you didn't dare to find out who it was. The only viable option was to stare at the cold concrete floor, but every scratch or imperfection embedded in it seemed to move on its own, forming letters from the Russian alphabet. Even the radio, which was dead, sprung back to life, reading the words to you.

"̴̼̻̼̀̐̚B̵͓͉̦̐͋e̴͖̞͖̓́̒l̴̢͇̐̀l̴̟̼͚̓͊͘!̴͖̪̠͊̚ I n̶e̶e̶d̶ y̶o̶u to listen to me."

Someone was talking to you. Whoever it was, they managed to peel one of your hands away. They held your arm firmly as you tried to stick your hand back in place. 

"Go away!" you yell.

"Bell!" Adler said once again, calm and steady. You stiffened and stopped struggling as you recognized his voice, your eyes finally meeting his.

Adler noticed your eyes were glazed over. You were short of breath, hyperventilating. He never seen you in a state like this before. 

Once he had your attention, he reached over, slowly, taking your other hand away from your face. They felt unnaturally warm. He placed the back of his hand on your forehead and was met with beads of sweat and heat. 

It was raining heavily last night on the mission, which would explain your feverish symptoms. It never occurred to him that the side-effect capabilities were determined by your health; you seemed fine before. Unless, you were just good at hiding it. 

Your hands were shaking ever so slightly as he held onto your wrist. "Bell," Adler begins slowly. "Where are we right now?"

"The… safehouse."

A chime.

"Yes, that's right. We're going to get through this. You just need to listen to my voice, okay?"

You nod.

"I want you to take a deep breath. Everything else you see, and everything else you're hearing… They're not here. Perseus isn't here."

"We–."

"Perseus isn't here, Bell."

Adler’s words repeated constantly in your head. His eyes were a nice piercing blue, you’ve come to recognize. The scar was still quite a mystery to you, you never seen any wounds like it before, yet it looked… good on him. As you observed his face, analyzing each of his movements, Perseus’s ghost began to fade away from your mind.

It was ironic. The man that had the power to make you forcibly remember these things was now the same man who's trying to pull you out of them. All he had to do was speak. Your eyes move away from Adler’s face, knowing that you stared at him for too long, instead shifting your attention to a random spot on the wall. A strong urge to thank him was fighting against your internalized indignation against him. 

Your breakdown caused the rest of the team to gather around you, clearly worried and concerned for your wellbeing. You couldn't bring yourself to look at any of them, feeling a tad disappointed towards yourself for being rendered incapable that easily. You were perfectly fine before, so what was different this time? 

"You have a fever."

"I'm fine," you snap suddenly, ignoring Adler’s helping hand and standing up. You held up your arm, leaning against the wall to support your weight. "Just… give me a moment."

"You're sick Bell," Adler states, standing back up. "You can't work like that."

"I don’t need you to tell me what I can or can’t do.” Without waiting for any reaction or response, you were about to return to your desk, but someone blocked your way. "Move, Lazar."

"Sorry, Bell, but I'm with Adler on this one," he said with a concerned expression. "You look like Hell."

He was right. You were pale and extremely cold, yet you were sweating and your breath was warm. It was difficult to remain standing and your vision was crooked.

"The faster you recover, the faster you get back to work," Lazar attempts to convince. "Just rest for today."

You click your tongue. If there was one thing you knew, it was that you couldn't argue with Lazar. Giving a sigh of defeat, you turned around and headed to the back.

The team members shared a look of worry as you left. A door slammed from your direction, bringing down bits of dust from the vents.

"I'll go talk to Bell," Mason volunteers, breaking the silence. He was about to go down the hall, only for Adler to stick a hand out. 

"Just leave them be."

"...You're fucking joking, right?" Woods jumps in. He gestures towards the spot you cowered at moments before. "You're just going to leave Bell alone after all that? Damn, you're way dumber than I thought."

"The best way to go about it is to wait for Bell to calm down. Then, you can talk."

"The best way is for you to talk to them, Adler," Lazar digresses. Even he was dumbfounded at his own thinking. It was probably the worst suggestion Lazar ever made, but his gut feeling told him that it was the best approach to tackle the thin line between you and Adler.

"Me? I think I'm the least suited for that."

"Yeah, the fuck? If anything, Mason or I should go."

"Look," Lazar reasons, "What I'm saying is that he can't avoid Bell forever. We all reconnected with them. Now, it's Adler's turn. He set everything into motion, he should be the one to fix it."

…

You slam the door close to your room, somehow affording to grab the Walkman off your desk before you fall onto the bed. The throbbing sensation never ceased, and you rub your eyes, trying to ease yourself into a sleeping mindset.

Everything had been working out so far since you arrived, and you thought you were getting to a point where the hallucinations wouldn't bother you anymore. It was an uphill battle to keep your mental and physical health in order while also having work to do. Every little thing became a chore, but you committed to them to get through the day. But, with the awful chance of getting a fever, they came back in your moment of vulnerability. 

The music that served as your usual escape had no effect as your thoughts raced at breakneck speed. Perseus's voice was calling out to you, his words iced with a sweet, yet sickening, sense of pride as he talked. You knew it held some sort of importance but you couldn't figure out the context. Something about a new colleague.

Lingering on his words, you barely noticed the knock at your door. 

Shit.

You forgot to lock it.

The door is held ajar by Adler as he takes a quick peek inside to see if you were there. You glimpse over, and he assumes eye contact with you.

"So it's your turn to talk to me now?" you scoff, averting your eyes back onto the ceiling.

"Let's not make this awkward Bell."

You turn down the volume of your music as Adler closes the door behind him, and sit up. "What do you want?" 

"They suggested that I talk to you," he answers. "Believe me, I wouldn't be here if I had a choice."

"Good to know. What happened out there never occurred." You see a hint of white in his hand, only to recognize it as a pill container.

"It's a fever reducer with antihistamine. Helps you sleep."

"Don't get the wrong idea, Doc. Just because we're on talking terms now doesn't mean that I want your help. Especially with the fact that you used to drug me without my knowledge."

"We didn't have much choice, Bell." Adler set down the container on your desk before leaning against the door, arms crossed in scrutiny. "You're were our only connection to Perseus. Hudson wasn't too keen on you being on the team either, so that was one of the sure-safe methods to keep you in check."

You scoff. "That's all I am, huh? The CIAs connection to Perseus."

"Your decision in Solovetsky saved millions of lives."

"I saved plenty of lives, yeah. You called me a hero. And yet, apparently my own life wasn't worth keeping." 

Adler gives out a groan. "Let's not start this now—"

"No!" you cut him off. You trudge over to him, jabbing a finger at his chest. "Enough dancing around. We're going to talk about this, whether you like it or not. You came in here to talk, so let's talk."

"Stop acting like a fucking child," Adler scolds. “I came here to help you, not to argue.”

“I didn’t ask for help, especially from the likes f—”

"Well, you haven't exactly given me the chance to talk to you either!" he snaps, raising his voice and causing you to flinch. It was like walking through a minefield with you, so might as well set the entire damn thing off ahead of time and get to the point. "Whenever anyone tries to get closer to you, all you do is push them away. We want to help you Bell, but you always put up this arrogant, tough guy act and refuse to let anyone in because you're too scared of being hurt again–"

"Well I wonder whose fault that is?! You act like it's so easy to just get over the shit I've been through, but it's not. You have a lot of balls to walk in here like I'm just going to accept what happened without reasonable doubt, and I had enough of being used like some fucking chess piece! You never looked at me like your teammate, I was just another means to getting to Perseus for you. Did you really think treating me nicely would just make everything okay?!"

"Since when did I ever treat you like a chess piece?"

"Oh, you know very well when. You know how it feels, Adler?" You balled your hands into fists, your pent up anger finally reaching its boiling point. "To have your memories erased, and be forced to believe that the men you worked alongside with were the same people that were the ones that erased them? Or how they also subjected you to psychological torture and tried to reinvent you? I'm not a fucking toy!"

He didn't say anything. You were yelling at him at this point, and seeing a lack of reaction only made you more angry. 

"It fucking hurts. I used to think 'there's nothing worse than this', but life continues to prove myself wrong. The damn bell that you trained me with, the injections to keep me in check… I even saw Park's notes, at least she cared for my health. But it only took her death for me to find out the truth. And then, when I think it's all over, I get fucking shot by you! Then I met these four old Soviet soldiers, they saved me. I spent months, believing that everyone thought I was dead.  And then you took that all away."

You could feel the remains of your energy drain away as your voice began to strain itself and head throbbed. Your hands were grasping at his collar, pushing him against the door. You didn't even remember grabbing him, but let go and backed off.

"I-I thought I could live with it. But, they just keep coming back. You, sitting behind the glass pane, with a coffee and the microphone, a couple scientists watching... I think about the cliffside and… It's just been a nightmare I've been living in, and I'm fucking tired of it. You…” 

You cut off, catching your breath. 

“...Should have just gone for the head... "

You should have died.

Adler gives out a long exhale through his nose, unsure how to respond. 

Of course he didn’t know how you felt. But what he did know was that he regretted every single thing he did to you. Maybe he did push too hard. They were necessary, sure, but if there was another way they could have gone about it, he would have taken it if he knew things were going to turn out this way. In the end, though, he had to use the cards he was dealt.

Coming to a decision, Adler takes a seat. 

“Do you want to know what happened?” he comes to ask.

“...What?” 

“You want to know why I did it?”

You sat, perplexed at his reaction. You practically yelled at him, and he still persisted in confiding the issue between you two. At the very least, you expected him to have a snarky reply, or attempt to convince you that it was for the greater good, but he seemed to already exhaust himself from any other excuses.

It felt like he was pleading for you to listen to his side of the story. His voice felt off, it was a tone you never heard him speak with. It was husky like always, but this time wasn't too harsh or too soft on you. He spoke in a way that wasn't demeaning, but instead made it easy to listen to. 

No, you weren't going to let him do that.

Don't trust Adler.

"Because you fucking hate me, that's why," you hiss. "Orders first, that's what you're all about. Who cares what everyone else thinks, right? In the end, I was always your enemy. Was I a burden to you? Is that how it—"

"After Solovetsky," he interjects sternly, lighting up a cigarette. He takes a drag before continuing, looking at your disoriented yet pitiful expression. "I was instructed to erase anything that could potentially inform the general public about the nukes Hudson placed around the world. We may have stopped Perseus from detonating them, but they had to ensure that no one else could get a hold of the codes. And that included you.

"I didn't want to do it, Bell, trust me. But… orders were orders. You're right, they do come first. That's how we made it this far, by following them. Except, because of those orders, there's bad blood between us. You can hate me, Hudson, and Black all you want, but it's not going to change what happened.

"In the end, regardless of what you think about me, you're one of the best spies I worked with. Your skill set is one of the best I’ve seen, even surpassing the CIA's best cryptographers. Your attitude on the job is what we need, and one of the things that I admire about you."

You couldn't look at him while he told you this. It hurt, knowing that he finally said the things you've been dreading to hear. It was one of the things you weren't excited to listen to, but at the same time a part of you demanded for someone to tell you that you were needed. That you weren't just an object to be disposed of once fulfilled of its purpose. 

"After all the things we did to you, nothing in the world could probably make up for it. You and I may haven't known each other for as long as I said we have, but we damn well went through a hell of a lot. Berlin, Lubyanka, all that shit. And following our little… fiasco on the cliffside, it made me realize how much your presence meant to the team, and what we had just lost. You kept it lively, helped keep our morales up. And most important of all… 

"It made me realize how special of a person you are to me. So don't you fucking dare think for one second that you would be better off dead. Understand?"

You were at a loss.

Did Adler– Russell Adler just say the words you heard him say?  

That you were special to him. 

"We already lost you once, and we don't need a second time."

You couldn't formulate any words, and you just sat back down, letting it sink in.

"So, just... tell me what's going on, Bell."

It was easy to tell that he had been rehearsing this. That he struggled endlessly to find the right words to say without hurting your feelings any further. Adler may have not said "I'm sorry" directly, as expected. Nevertheless, you could still see and feel the meaning behind his words. There was regret as he spoke about the incident, but when he addressed yourself as a person, the way he enunciated it just made you feel warm and vulnerable. You didn't know it meant, and it confused you.

"I-I'm scared, alright?” you admit reluctantly. “Everything may be fine now, sure, but what if the day comes where I turn my gun on you? What if I lose myself? Or, or what if I just can't take it anymore–"

"Bell." You stop rambling. Adler took a puff of his cigarette, before exhaling. "That’s what we’re here for—”

"It's not that. It's here." You point to your head. "I can't even trust myself anymore. Earlier I started hearing Perseus. It was like he was there, but—" Your sigh in frustration. There was no good outcome when you thought of it. "Like, last night everything was fine. I was functioning like a normal human being. But now look at me, I can't think straight. One little look at the evidence board and I was on the floor. It won’t stop."

Something wet rolled down your cheek. Who the hell were you supposed to trust now?

"From prior experiences, both mine and others, in the end, it all comes back to you to make the decision as to whether or not you let those thoughts and feelings take over you." Adler rubs out the butt of his cigarette on a tray before leaning forward, elbows on his knees. "Still, if you need to talk to someone, anyone, we're here. I'm here. It may not be our field of expertise, but it's the least we can do. Some things we have to live with, and it's hard, but in the end you'll get through it."

How long has it been since you cried? You weren't sure if it was due to Adler talking to you, or if it was due to your feverish state, but there was no denying the heartache that grasped at your chest. You sniffled and hiccupped, rubbing your eyes with your palms to stop yourself from crying.

Stop crying.

"Bell, look at me."

You despised him. How he made you feel this way, the way he spoke in such high regard about you. 

"[Y/N]."

You didn't want to. The moment you look at him is the moment you confront those emotions. You couldn't hate him, no matter how hard you tried. He did all this shit, and yet you couldn't do it. 

It was decided since that day you survived Adler's bullet that you would hate the man. To cut him off and anything related to him out of your life, but it was inevitable.  Now here you were, bawling your eyes out in front of him after hearing his side of the story. You told yourself to not let him catch you in your moment of weakness, yet he had a way with his words. You may have vowed to never forgive him, but it was damn obvious that he whole-heartedly regretted his actions, and was trying his hardest to make up for it. 

In addition, just hearing him say your name for the first time… It was unbearable.

Adler gets up from his chair, placing a hand gently on your wrist and pulling your hand away from your puffy eyes. The strange feeling returned. Oh, how his hair looked soft; you wondered how it would feel if you ran your fingers through them. You just felt weak under his gaze, as if he knew what you were thinking.

Fuck.

"Sorry… It's just…" 

You couldn't look at him.

He lets go of your arm. "You’re going to be okay."

Scooting to the side, you gave him some space to sit down. Adler's eyes dart between you and the empty spot, unsure whether or not he should take you up on the offer, but goes with the flow in the end.

Your heart was basically pounding against your ribcage, and you were too tired to depict the difference between your feverish symptoms or pure shyness. It felt weird. Adler was showing a side of him you've never seen before, and yet you felt almost honored.

"Do you really mean it?" you ask. "Everything you said?"

"You tell me. Does this face look like that of a liar?"

You grin a little, indulging in his stiff sense of humor. "I can't tell with your glasses on."

"Then take them off."

You almost forgot to breathe. "...What?"

"You heard me."

Adler was devilishly close, making it even more tempting. It was an odd demand from him, and yet you couldn't help bring a hand up. It hovered in the air next to his cheek, pausing to gauge a reaction from him. He was adamant on letting you do the work. Getting nothing else, you ethereally take his sunglasses, revealing his deep blue eyes. The man didn't even recoil as you did so, and instead just watched your movements in captivation. 

"Well?"

"I… can't tell."

You were too distracted.

"Well, I'm not lying," he states, voice hoarse, yet pleasing on the ears. His eyes never strayed away and were instead engaged with yours. "Want to know the truth? Crying doesn't suit you."

"You think so?"

Adler leans in a bit and tilts his head, as if to get a better angle of your face. "For sure."

Unable to withstand it, you break eye contact, feeling bubbles arising within the pits of your stomach. Somehow, the temperature of your cheeks rose even more. “Thanks, I-I guess.”

You feel the tips of his fingers splay lightly on your chin, and he makes you turn your head back to him. 

“Wha—” you start, only to freeze.

The both of you were practically touching noses, breathing each other in. You could smell the cologne on him. It wasn't too strong, but it was enough to accent his character. Some part of you was practically just yearning for him to close the gap– daring him to. It felt like the devil was tempting you, but you withheld yourself. 

"I'm kind of sick, you know…" you disclose breathily. "Should we be this close?"

"Don't worry about it."

Without warning, he moved slightly, and his lips met yours.

It felt like time had stopped.

But the butterflies continued to flutter. 

The fans in the background slowed to nothingness, and the music from the player was but an afterthought as the earbuds fell out of your ear.

His lips were softer than you imagined, and there was a lingering taste of nicotine. They were warm as they brushed against your own, and you could feel the soft tickle of his breath. You wanted to open your eyes to get a better look at Adler's face, but in the end they refused to open, his lips distracting you. The way they fell against yours almost seemed unreal, like they were meant to lock with each other. You brought a hand up, caressing his face as you trace the scars on his face, running over the little bumps with your thumb. The kiss was slow, yet tender, and you felt warmth blossoming from your chest.

You didn't know how long it lasted. 

When the time came, you both pulled away. Your eyes fluttered open, lingering on his lips for a moment before they left. 

“You’re a real piece of work, you know that?” he murmurs into your ear with a small smile. The hairs on the back of your neck stood as you listened to the low timbre of his voice; God, his voice.

"Yeah."

You couldn't even think, your mental cogs just slowing down. Your brain short-circuited the moment you both locked lips. The bastard practically stole your breath away.

The opportunity arose and Adler couldn't resist. Was he allowed to feel like this, despite everything he's done? He didn't intend to kiss you when he first walked in your room. The plan was to talk it out with you, maybe figure out the boundaries between you and him, but in the end the line was crossed. 

Adler jerks his head back as this dawns on him. "Sorry, I–" 

Fuck, what did he just do?

It was just in the heat of the moment—

"Thank you,” you say feebly.

Your head was turned away from him, pursing your lips in a tight line to save yourself from exposing your flustered state. You could see that he was having difficulty coming to terms that you two did in fact share a kiss, and it was a bit cute to see him fumble with his words, as opposed to his usual stoic demeanor.

"For what?" 

"Whatever that was."

You look at your fingers, remembering that they were the same ones that glided over Adler's scar. You could still feel the ghost of his stubble rubbing against your palms, the scene just playing over and over in your head. 

"A kiss?"

"I-I mean, for putting up with my bullshit," you stammer at his outspokenness. "And for the Walkman and watch, of course."

Adler gives out a laugh at your flustering as he stands up. It was one you haven't heard. Actually, did he ever laugh before? You couldn't remember if he did, or if he ever even smiled. It was like you were with someone new. Who would have thought Adler had a soft side to him? 

"How'd you figure it out?" 

"Well, no one else seemed to recognize it…"

“I'm glad you like them." 

Sensing that he probably overstayed, Adler gets up from his spot, heading in the direction of the door in a bit of a rush manner. Was he still stunned with what had just occurred?

He opens the pill bottle from earlier, popping one into his mouth before tossing the container to you. “Here. Take a couple.”

You did as he told, the bitterness of it caking your tongue before you downed some water. The euphoria was beginning to die down, and you could feel your body once again trying to drag you to the floor. Adler’s hand reached out for the door handle, and a pang of disappointment and fear crossed your mind. "Wait—”

He raises an eyebrow, slipping his shades back on. "What’s up?”

“You're going already?"

"Those papers aren't going to finish themselves. I need my best cryptographer at their best, so get some sleep."

He was still diligent, like always. You lick your lips, hesitant. You didn't want him to leave yet. "Can you stay for a bit longer? Just until I fall asleep?"

“You’re not a kid.”

“I know, but…”

Trying to sleep was always the hardest part. 

"You better knock out quick then," Adler indulges, noticing your painstaking scowl. 

He gets comfortable in the wooden chair near the door, taking out a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket as you settle back into bed. You could already smell the ashes coming from him.

"Do you ever stop smoking?" you interrupt as he takes out a lighter.

Adler let out an irritable sigh, closed the lighter, and shoved the stick back into its place. He leans back in the chair, arms crossed with his foot on a knee. "You used to smoke too, you know."

"I did?" This was news to you.

"Oh yeah. During your initial interrogation, you would just laugh at us." He chuckles. "Even asked for a cigarette a couple times. It was a bit unsettling, even for my standards. Not only that, you had a sharp tongue. Colorful vocabulary. That was another thing we couldn't exactly get rid of." 

At your request, Adler continued to talk about his own experiences. The topic of MK-Ultra was something you thought would be taboo to talk about, but, on the contrary, it was rather amusing to hear things from his perspective. Of course, he didn't get into the details of the procedure, but instead remarked about your growth from it: how you recovered unusually quickly from Arash's attempt to take you out the picture, or how he found it surprising as to how well you got along with the other members. 

"We pulled everything we had in records, just trying to figure out who you were. Our informants in the KGB couldn't find anything either, it was like searching for a needle in a haystack."

You hummed in acknowledgement. "They made sure there was no evidence of my existence when I joined Perseus. Personal history and sentimental values were nothing but a hindrance."

"Sounds rough."

The conversation went on for a while, and the worries you had faded away. He took the opportunity to point out your weird habits. Adler found it amusing how you would fall asleep in the weirdest places, catching you sleeping in the red room while waiting for photos to develop, or on the floor in the garage. 

You could feel the medicine kicking in with each story, and you could barely keep your eyes open within an hour.

"And your scar?" you mumble drowsily.

"That's a story for another time."

"No, tell me what happened."

"Still curious as ever… Alright, have you ever been attacked by a tiger, [L/N]? Cause I have. It was a mission back in seventy-three—"

"Wait a minute, that's not what you told me last time. You said you got mixed up with the wrong crowd."

"Did I? Age must be catching up to me." 

"Cut the crap. Earlier I poured my soul out to you, at least tell me how you actually got it."

It was a long story.

Too long, actually. 

Adler kept talking and adding random details until you fell asleep. It was a novel laced with lies and exaggerated events, as if he were telling some kind of adventure you only see in movies. From skydiving to fighting a tiger barehanded, Adler certainly had the enjoyment of toying around and making up stories of his scar on a whim. He was a great talker without a doubt.

His voice soothed you to sleep.

When he noticed that you were out like a light, Adler walked over to you, feeling your cheek. Your lashes twitched slightly upon contact, but nothing else. Your breath felt warm as it blew against his palms, but at least your temperature was already stabilizing. 

You were shivering a bit, so he shaved off his black leather jacket and placed it over you. Stirring, you pulled it over yourself before rolling over.

His heart jumped as he took in your facial features. Just to see your face in such a complacent state made him relieved. 

How could he not like you? You're a hard worker, not easily deterred; if you set your mind to it, you got it done without fail, although you were witty and a bit short-tempered. There were still the demons you had to take care of, and he wanted to assist you in getting rid of them. He owed it to you.

After reassuring that you were dead asleep, Adler left you to slumber.

It felt like a huge weight was pulled off of his chest, a two year burden finally taking its leave.

0000

The sun was beginning to set by the time you woke up. Blinking your eyes reluctantly, a blueish grey darkness began to settle in your room. The sheets were wrapped comfortably around your body, and your nauseating headache settled to a mere tick. For once you managed to get more than eight hours of sleep without being interrupted by repeating nightmares.

You get up and stretched, only to feel something heavy slide off your shoulders and land onto the floor below. Bending down, you come to recognize it as Adler's jacket, and it reminded you of what occurred that morning. A blush crept up to your cheeks. 

Burying your face in embarrassment, his jacket smelled of cigarettes and cologne, with hints of soap. 

It didn't mean anything, right?

Yet, you had a hard time convincing yourself it was anything but.

Heading out of your room, you came across a new cassette tape on the table, labeled MIX 2. You chuckle in amusement at his lack of creativity, but pop it into the player, removing the first one and placing it down. What kind of songs did Adler have in store for you now? His taste in music didn't seem definitive, the songs never failed to impress you.

Wandered into the main area, you could smell something good wafering through the air, and made it just in time for Lazar to return with dinner.

"Lo and behold, Lazar back at it again with the Chinese food," you comment as he plops the bags down on the table.

"Hey, it's good. Got your favorite right here." He hands you a tray, along with a small bowl of soup. 

"Fuck, I'm starving." Woods wanders over as well, sifting through the containers until he finds his. He took a fortune cookie out of the bag before finally noticing you. "Oh, look who's finally awake! Feeling better, Bell?"

"Yeah." You take out a seat from under the table and sit. "Do you know what happened to the folder I had this morning? It had the stuff I was going to work on—"

"I think Adler took care of it."

"He decrypted the code?" you muse.

"Well, no. He probably had Sims do it." 

Mason comes over, a few beer cans in his arms. Woods gives out an impressed whistle, taking one for himself and cracking it open. He takes a good swig, before giving out a quenched sigh of approval. "Now, that's the shit."

You chuckle at his reaction. The beer brand was nothing special of sort, yet Woods seemed to treat it like a luxury. "Did something good happen?" 

"You tell me, Bell. How'd the conversation with Adler go?" 

You pause, stabbing a plastic fork in your food before taking a bite. "Good, I guess."

"Damn Bell, don't leave us in the dark here." Woods voices his disappointment. "Loosen up a bit, take a drink. We're all friends here."

"I don't drink," you inform curtly, detecting underlying intentions stemming from this conversation.

"Aren't Russians the number one consumer of alcohol?"

"I'm sick, Woods. I don't think drinking will help me at the moment."

"You hear that? Bell's sick," Mason reiterates with a wry smile.

"Lovesick, more like," Lazar adds.

You were about to take another bite, but instead placed the utensil down, giving Lazar a dirty look. "What'd you say?"

"Bingo!" Woods crushes a can in his hands, tossing it into a nearby bin. "Bell has a—"

"What the fuck?" You slam a hand on the table. "Is this what you guys wanted to talk about?!"

"Come on, Bell. Adler spent a while in your room earlier, I was starting to think you killed him after all the yelling.”

“You heard that?” 

Mason nods, rubbing the back of his neck. "Kinda..."

You thought back to this morning, reminiscing on Adler’s words. And how it ended. “You guys really shouldn't stick your nose into things. Something bad might happen."

"What kind of stuff?” Woods pries, leaning in a bit.

You dry laugh nervously. “Who knows? I'll think about it."

“I think Bell’s getting a bit defensive, Mason.”

“I think so too.”

Lazar points his plastic fork at you. “It went well, didn't it? I knew it. Adler came back to the garage in a good mood."

“I think you should all choose your next words carefully,” you growl, trying to ignore your heart hammering against your chest.

You didn’t like Adler. You hate the man. He shot you on the cliff. He… 

Gave you the Walkman. Lended you his jacket. Comforted you during your moments of weakness. Kissed you.

Well, shit. 

You bury your face into your hands.

“Is Bell blushing? Bell's blushing!” Woods nudges you with his elbow. 

"I'm SICK!"

"Keep making excuses Bell, they might come true."

"I'm going to fucking kill you."

"Sure, whatever you say," Mason grins.

“See, what did I tell you Mason? Pay up." Woods holds out a hand. His friend grumbles, remembering the bet he made, and pulls out his wallet.

“Nope!" you exclaim, snatching the five dollars out of Mason's hand. “Here's how it's going to work: this conversation never happened. If I hear even a sliver of anything related to this, you better pray that you wake up the next day. Got it?"

If looks could kill, the three of them would drop dead at this very moment. 

“...Pucker up, Bell's boyfriend is coming over," Mason comments, before downing a glass of water.

"What the f—"

"[L/N]." 

All eyes turn to Adler, who had just hung up on the phone after a discussion with Hudson. He had no problem looking at you, and maintained a decent distance, despite both of you just having a tender moment just a few hours earlier. Props to him, you suppose.

"You have a minute?" he asks.

You clear your throat, giving a glare to the trio before closing the lid to your dinner and heading over to Adler. 

"Did I interrupt something?"

"No," you assure. "You didn't."

“Anyways—" Adler hands you a thin file. "Hudson has something for you to do.”

“Again?”

Flipping through the contents, there was a transcript of a conversation between Belikov and the person of interest. 

“He wants you to meet with someone. Apparently Belikov knows a guy who is willing to give us a tip. Only catch is he only wants someone to meet up with him, alone.”

You set the folder aside and cross your arms. “And why am I going?”

“Because you speak the same language?”

“But you speak Russian too.”

“I don’t know if you noticed, I’m kinda injured at the moment.” Adler gestures towards his abdomen. You roll your eyes. 

"Hudson's been a bit keen on giving me missions," you point out, tucking the file under your arm. "When do I leave?"

"September, most likely."

[the-irken-pony]

The Wall should’ve played a bigger role in Completing the Mission: An analysis/infodump/rant that’s honestly longer than it should be

Hello dear subscribers I am here today to talk about not only my disappointment regarding how little we see of The Wall in Completing the Mission, but to analyze what could've been a really intriguing character and a perfect foil for Henry (in a different way than Ellie).

Part 1: Dmitri Johannes Petrov, a break in the genre

What makes Dmitri appealing as a character (to me at least) is much different than what makes other characters in The Henry Stickmin Collection appealing. What makes other characters in THSC so appealing?

Sometimes it’s their generally goofy or otherwise lighthearted personalities

Or a humorous element of an otherwise serious character.

Sometimes it’s an unexpected facet of a character that’s rarely shown to others.

However, none of the humorous elements that we love other Henry Stickmin characters for apply to Dmitri.

Relative to other characters, Dmitri is very serious in tone, such that trying to imagine him in a humorous scenario doesn't feel fitting to his character. We don’t see him involved in any of Henry’s humorous gags, or even any of his own. Even Grigori, his second-in-command, has his humorous moments.

While it can be easily argued that this makes Dmitri’s personality stale in comparison to other characters, I’d argue the opposite. Dmitri’s serious no-nonsense tone makes for a very interesting foil to Henry--not just for how he behaves, but how he forces Henry (and others) to behave.

Part 2: More on Dmitri

So, we know that Dmitri is a serious character, beyond what we normally see. This no-nonsense attitude of his is reflected in how he talks to other people.

While he maintains some level of respect with Grigori (at least as far as we know from what little interaction we see between them), he’s much ruder to lower ranking employees at The Wall.

What else do we know about Dmitri?

Remember when I said that characters in THSC are often made more appealing because of a rarely seen side of them? This actually applies to Dmitri as well, but in a more subtle way than the examples above.

In Dmitri’s case, this “rarely seen side” to him is how much he cares about his reputation. He gets irritable at other members of The Wall when it gets threatened, as shown above. However, when Henry and Ellie escape and release the other convicts, he expresses to Henry just how serious it is to him--in a notably quieter voice than usual.

He takes his reputation very, very seriously, to the point of becoming vengeful if it’s damaged. In Completing the Mission, he ignores the entire Toppat Clan (and another government) to focus on Henry and Ellie.

It even drives him to desperation at the end of Toppat Recruits, being the source of his most memorable quote (and last words).

Yet, even with his apparent concern about maintaining his reputation and his anger when Henry and Ellie get in the way of that, we only get to see him in one route in Completing the Mission. (Okay, technically 2 but Pardoned Pals and Toppat Recruits are different endings branching off the same route.) These same motives could’ve put him as an antagonist in other routes branching off of Convict Allies.

Part 3: Grigori Olyat

Yet another reason I wish The Wall got incorporated more actually has to do with Dmitri’s second-in-command, Grigori. Despite being the secondary antagonist of Fleeing the Complex, we actually know very little about Grigori.

First of all, what is his relationship with Dmitri like? Is their relationship strictly work-related, or does it go deeper than that? Is it a friendly, fulfilling relationship for both of them, or is there some level of toxicity on one or both sides?

Stepping away from Dmitri, does Grigori have anyone else at the Wall that he considers close, or at the very least is on good terms with? Or do other employees at The Wall avoid him? Does he have anyone outside of the Wall that he’s friends with?

Out of the major characters in THSC, Grigori is easily the one we have the least information on, and even Toppat Recruits/Pardoned Pals does nothing to expand on his character.

Even with how little we see of Grigori, there are still noticeable differences that we can see between him and Dmitri. For one, Henry is still allowed to be his goofy self around Grigori, as long as Dmitri isn’t also present.

It’s also likely that Grigori is younger or less experienced working at the wall than Dmitri is, given that he’s unfamiliar with the protocol for dead inmates.

Also, accurate to his bio, Grigori is much more skilled with combat (and he’s even pretty acrobatic with it).

Whether Grigori and Dmitri’s relationship is positive, negative, or strictly work-related, these differences would’ve made for an interesting dynamic.

Part 4: The Lore

The lore surrounding The Wall could honestly be its own series of posts. But this post is honestly long enough as it is, so I’ll briefly summarize some of the more interesting aspects off the top of my head.

Multiple employees at The Wall are armed with spears that can blast lasers that instantly disintegrate any person they touch.

One employee was apparently hiding the fact that he’s an earth bender.

One of the inmates is an actual alien. This is never expanded upon.

There’s an unknown history between The Wall and the Toppat Clan, which has resulted in at least one locked up Toppat (probably more) and two undercover Toppats working at The Wall: Wallace Pemberton and Gordon Smith. Wallace Pemberton is confirmed to be loyal to the Toppats, but it’s unknown whether Smith is also a spy or whether he’s a double agent for The Wall.

So, with all that out of the way, and with this post having sat in my drafts for almost a month now, I hope this suffices for an explanation of why I wish The Wall had gotten more attention.

[hellonoblesky]

Happy Saturday it’s past 2am here’s Harbinger Angst. Because I’m up late and I’m havinggg thoughts.

So here’s my hcs about the Harbingers reacting to/dealing with the news of Signora‘s death :)

(CW For like. Mental breakdowns and guilt and general emotional instability because no one is having a good time here. Oh also cussing, anddd some familial angst in Childe’s bit? Also I am so sorry about any misspellings n whatever it is. Very late and I already have two other posts in my drafts collecting dust that are also HCs so.)

Dottore:

So if you don’t follow my art blog or haven’t seen my Harbinger hcs (which are under the process of some change with new info being released and whatnot), you don’t know this but I HC Dot and Signora to be like sorta just evil siblings

Now because death is such a commodity in Dot’s uh… specific line of work, he doesn’t register that Signora is dead until like two days after he hears the news

He picked up the phone (rotary perhaps?) to go call up Signora‘a office to see if she has any good gossip and then stopped halfway through dialing because it hit him that she’s never going to be there to pick up the phone on the other end. Ever.

He usually listens to music when he’s working but with the absence of Signora ranting he has to take up listening to the radio on top of the music

Problem is: the radio doesn’t have the same charm and cadence to it that Signora’s rants did, because normal people are boring and it’s going to drive Dot up the walls if he has to listen to one more commercial or one more anxious ramble about how cool and great the Fatui are from some stupid radio host trying not to overstep the Tasritsa’s favor like she listens to some boring ass radio station in her spare time!!!

HE HATES IT. But is forced to make do because if he shows weakness he will be torn apart (or so he thinks)

So this leads to him locking himself away in his office even more than he already did

Because he was already intrigued by the traveller after their actions in Mond and their victory against Childe, but them beating Signora in a duel before the Shogun? Oh now that kickstarted a whole new line of study

Especially because his only coping mechanisms are Be Destructive and Dive So Far Into Work You Don’t Think so within about three days he has a comprehensive analysis of everything he can possibly get his hands on regarding the Traveler (without interacting with other people) and is about to pass out because he hasn’t slept

Oh and the funeral was absolute hell for him.

Mainly because while he was barely conscious he agreed to play violin at the service and then promptly passed out and forgot about it so he woke up and was hit with the consequences of his own actions in the form of sheet notes

He endured, obviously, he’s not going to back down from playing something at the funeral of one of the few interesting people in the organization, that’s what tools and cowards do and this might be the Fatui but if he’d survived the wrath of dead gods he would make it through this

Went right back to locking himself away after that though

He actually got bad enough that the other Harbingers took notice of his state and MADE him come out of his labs and eat (mainly at demand of the Tsaritsa because she just lost the Crimson Witch as an asset, she wants the rest of her Harbingers in good health god dammit, the Traveler is becoming a genuine threat)

Broke down at dinner a week after the funeral

Swears that if any of the other Harbingers bring it up ever ever again he will kill their bodies and keep their consciousnesses trapped in a machine that he controls forevermore

Really he’s just glad that no one immediately pounced on one of his few shows of weakness

Maybe he’ll risk it again if it means he can cry it out for another hour but he wouldn’t dare say that out loud, won’t even finish the thought

But you know what he will do?

What he does best, of course

Look at an oddity in the world (in this case the traveller) and seek to pick it apart until he can put it back together without looking and still have it work

The only way he can actually get through his grieving is by finding something to take the edge off

And it just so happens that the traveller is a perfect candidate

Childe:

By no means has he ever liked Signora, in regards to personality or method, but her death still hit him

He had to travel back to Snezhnaya for the funeral, and it did absolutely cheer him up to see his family again and get to spoil them all silly, but with a mind whirling with thoughts it was genuinely hard for him to keep a smile up

Mainly thoughts about battle, because that’s really the only way he can interpret the world at this point

Like he keeps thinking about weather the Traveler was holding back with him, or if they had gained the strength to fight off yet another Fatui plot just in the month or so since Liyue? And if they had gained strength, how had they done it so fast? If they’d been holding back against him had he not shown himself to be a fighter worthy of their strength? Had Signora even faced the Traveler‘s full strength?

Overall his head is much too full of too many things, and it wears him out to the point that he ends up sleeping in late enough for his family to actually worry because usually he’s up before dawn training and they don’t see him until the afternoon

But he’s back on track as soon as he can, because the training helps him think, and once he can resolve most of his thoughts (or repress them so they don’t bother him too often) he’s absolutely alright and fine and ready to go! Totally. Fine. It’s fine.

The thoughts were very much There during the funeral, especially as the first harbinger read a (somewhat summarized version) of Signora’s life to the assembly of Fatui

(Oh and Pierro didn’t really care weather or not Signor wanted people to know her life after she died because she was dead now what was she going to do??)

The reveal that Signora had been fighting for the Fatui because her lover had been killed by the actions of the Anemo Archon, and she desired nothing more than to see him again… it got to Childe. It got to Childe more than he’d like to admit

Because suddenly the woman who he had always known as the embodiment of frostbite and frozen barbed wire fencing had someone she had cared about, genuinely cared about, to the point where she had become the Mondstadt legend, the Crimson Witch herself

And she had lost that lover to the actions of a fool of a God

He swore silently to himself that when the Tsaritsa‘s future came to pass he would make a little monument for Signora. Nothing big, probably a plaque on a nice stone where Mondstadt would have been before the Tsaritsa’s success, but a monument nonetheless

This promise was a spur of the moment thing, and later he would be like “Man she was a jerk, lost love or not why did I promise her that?“ but he doesn’t go back on promises

Besides, actually watching Dottore break down in a grief and sleep-depravation induced haze was also something that got to him because of course the two people he happened to simply Hate The Most in the organization were close that makes perfect sense but also wow it is weird to see Dottore cry and it feels Wrong because after murdering and tormenting so many people… Signora is gone and he breaks then??? What the fuck

Avoids most of the Harbingers after that, just heads home to Morepesok to spoil his siblings silly before going back to Liyue

Oh and his siblings can tell something is up, Teucer especially because when his brilliant big brother, the greatest toy salesman in all of Snezhnaya, is suddenly struggling to keep a smile even though they’re at home… he notices

Childe’s other siblings are all avoiding the subject, they heard about the death of Signora and all, they just assume the organization is going through it tight now and frankly most of them are a little afraid of him weather they‘ll admit it or not

Not Teucer though, he’s confused just because he still has grasped how Snezhnaya works yet, so he goes ahead and asks anyway

Childe just says he’s sad because he has to leave again so soon! And he hasn’t even been able to take Teucer fishing this time, isn’t that sad?

Teucer can tell that he’s lying

But Teucer is also beginning to sense the danger that lies behind Childe’s eyes, so for the first time? He doesn’t push it or say that they could go fishing now if they hurry

Just a grin and a “Next time!! Promise?” Makes it all better and he doesn’t have to think about why his big brother feels unnerving to look at sometimes

Childe is oblivious to Teucer’s growing awareness

He heads back to Liyue and makes himself focus on work

Scaramouch:

Now he didn’t particularly like Signora either, and didn’t really care about her life’s story, because blah blah blah we get it lady you lost someone, we all did, cry about it or whatever

But he does feel… he feels guilty for leaving her to face the Shogun

He had the Gnosis, he had finished Signora’s mission for her without even meaning to, and he had thought it would be funny to just let her face the Shogun without knowing that

To some extent, it’s his fault she’s dead

And it’s not the fact that she died because he didn’t go get her that weighs on him, it’s that he left her to the Shogun of all things

I don’t know if puppets like Scara can feel things like people and such do, but considering how the Shogun expressed frustration and stress when Ei disabled the majority of her functions, I’m going to assume they can

And because of the meddling of ‘some eccentric scientists’ his emotions are probably toned down a tad but he can still feel guilt all the same

And leaving Signora to the Shogun makes him feel guilty because he and the Shogun are essentially kin

Disowned and disavowed kin, but you know

He may have been able to easily counter the Shogun, or even help Signora prevail in her duel, but he. Ran. Off.

He happens to think that that was very cowardly of him

It causes a spike in his aggression which everyone unfortunately has to notice every time he walks by because the sheer static electricity that snaps in the air when he’s in the room now? Haha. Ouchie

Fun fact: he has no idea how to cope with guilt

He channels ALL of it into SHEER RAGE

Ever seen a couple hundred year old man go absolutely apeshit in the Harbinger‘s shared training arena? Well now you have!! It’s not a pretty sight!!

He’s crying and can’t tell why, which fuels his anger, which fuels stress as a fun side effect which just makes more tears and now he has to snap someone in half because he needs it to stop he hates it here he hates it here he hates it here

And in the beginning the guilt wasn’t even that severe for him, it was just so immensely magnified by his lack of coping skills that he very nearly broke himself down

He tried going to Dottore to get it disabled but Dottore had his doors all locked so Scara couldn’t even get a word through to him

Oh and the funeral was fine with him he just left early because he didn’t want to deal with looking people in the eye at the time because, again, his lack of coping skills with guilt magnified the whole feeling so it was almost unbearable

It’s a lot of fighting and breaking things before he’s able to resign himself to some semblance of how he was

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

I’m back on my bullshit and we have GOT TO TALK about 13x08 The Scorpion and the Frog; which serves as a good example of why you should not ONLY watch spn episodes with Cas (partially because of that scene I shamefully blogged about earlier - no I will not link that cursed post here).  The episode title comes from a fable in which the villain is the scorpion.  Interpretations of this fable note its uniqueness lies in the concept that “the scorpion is irrationally self destructive and fully aware of it.”

To quote the scorpion, buddies -  “it’s in my nature.”

Anyway, this episode is subtextually predicated on exploring Dean Winchester’s nature and specifically - his bisexuality, and I’m not only saying that because it opens with Dean in his Bi Colors Plaid (that also he wore on his burger date with Cas).

Let’s get started, after the cut!

Season 13 on its face gives me absolute whiplash because it starts widow arc-reunion-TOMBSTONE and then Jack yeets himself off to Chuck knows where so Cas can go out Looking For Him Because Otherwise He Will Definitely Kiss Dean there is no other option for the writers at this point.  Sigh.  Here, have another shot of Dean anxiously cleaning his gun as he always does when Cas has Gone Off For Reasons -

Anyway, this feels like a filler episode at first, but as always they bury the ENTIRE damn world in it and I am here with my dossier to Unearth It.

Lets start with Bart (demon of terrible nicknames and microagressions) meeting the brothers at Smile Diner to talk about some spell or whatever. 

(I am not thinking about the Cherry Pie meta I AM NOT)

THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY to start with these lines immediately introducing the theme of duality, a thread throughout this episode.

BARTHAMUS

Everything. I've been following your careers a long time. You're a real pain in the pitchfork. And the halo. Natural disrupters. We have that in common, you and I. DEAN

Mm. Yeah, we're twinsies.

***MORE DUALITY!  But as we know, Dean does not like Bart because He Is A Freakin’ Demon

DEAN

Well, see, here's the thing. When a demon tells us to jump, we don't ask how high. We just ice their ass.

UMMM excuse me Barting Bacting Boices?  What is that sexual gaze?  

Then we find out that Bart has 1/2 of the spell.  They need the other 1/2.  Oh, a spell with two parts, you say? [ I am going to scream :) ]

***Also, Dean eats the pie Bart ordered.  I cannot begin to explain to you the state of unwellness that I am in regarding how important this is. DEAN NEVER GETS TO EAT THE PIE, remember?  But in This Filler Episode, Dean eats the pie. While Sam looks at him with a very quizzical expression.  Pie -> what Dean wants but never actually gets -> Dean actively eating this pie.  Dean is coming to terms that maybe he can have what he wants.

***I am reminding you again that this is post widower-arc, post-reunion, and especially post-Tombstone.  Anyway-

Now we get to Smash and Grab.  Not literally even though I want to Commit Such Conduct at this point.  We are introduced to two one off characters named 

Smash (human/female presenting) -  can crack any safe built by man 

and Grab (demon/male presenting)-  expert in bypassing supernatural security.

Reaching or no, you can’t disagree that when spn introduces one off characters - it is almost always a Narrative Parallel or Mirror.

So we have a human and a demon (and Dean Winchester, a human who has been a demon)

who are experts in cracking open/bypassing something that has been secured and guarded (breaking down walls, if you will).  

They also use fake names identifying them as Tools to be Used ( Dean Winchester, the Michael Sword/daddys blunt little instrument)

BONUS:

Dean himself is literally used as a tool in this episode.

So yeah.  Smash and Grab are physical representations of Dean’s duality.  Human/Demon.  Femininity/Masculinity.  Dare we say something else, too?

Anyway, Dean is paired with Smash and Grab; Sam is off to idk negotiate weird artifact purchases lawboy style with Luther Shrike, a man who cannot die so long as he never leaves his house (I cannot even begin to unpack this shit; please just sit there and think about it.  I’m not even going there here.  I CANNOT DISCUSS Luther Shrike RN).

Speaking of things I cannot discuss without halgdhsag;lsa - Smash has very Specific boots (a look overall, really).

DEAN

Hey, Winona. The '90s called. They'd like their shoes back. SMASH

Shh.

***That’s right girl - do not take his shit; he actually LOVES them and is therefore Overcompensating for it with this little jab.

***Dean’s pop culture references and particular attention to the details here Should Not Be Overlooked.  90s! Winona! Ryder!

ANYWAY, then Dean and Smash bond over a caffeinated beverage -

[While Dean is doing a spell, Smash opens a can of drink, takes a mouthful and burps loudly. ] SMASH

Ahh. DEAN

You're weird.

***This scene makes me literally insane. (even aside from Dean living on something named NERVE DAMAGE as a KID.  They could have called it anything. You’re saying this wasn’t a Choice)  

She chugs a swallow of the drink and burps.  Something stereotypically associated with masculinity.  Not feminine.  Dean’s reaction is that she is “weird” - because she is not acting in a way stereotypically, J*hn Winchester brain-rot patriarchy bullshit-tily associated with Being Female.  But also, says the stupid show, they like the same soda.  They are The Same.  She shares the soda with Dean.  HIS FACE WHEN SHE DOES -

Other similarities are addressed throughout the episode (they are working for demons because they have no choice; they don’t discuss feelings/emotions, they both sold their soul, they both This Thing - 

DEAN

You know, we could help you. SMASH

No, you can't. I gotta take care of me.

etc. etc.) Smash is absolutely dean-coded.

****Also it’s textually established that Smash thinks Dean is attractive -

GRAB

[looking at Smash] Oh. You said he was just a pretty face. SMASH 

Shh.

***But Grab flirts with him too.

DEAN

I will kill you. GRAB

I bet you say that to all the girls.

***sorry, Grab - you won’t get far with Dean, but only because as he mentioned in the beginning of this episode - 

Drowley rights.

Now Dean has to put his hand in the mouth of this stone lion thing and all of a sudden he is acting....very-not-like-Dean.

[Dean looks again and takes a deep breath.] DEAN

I… how about this? What if I cut myself, put it on, like, a little piece of paper? We'll just wad it up and throw it in the mouth, okay? Okay. 

***Dean Winchester, who has been to Literal HELL, who has been torn apart by hellhounds, who has battled the devil and angels and God’s sister - all at the expense of his own life is now - afraid of spiders.  Well, technically he has always been afraid of spiders, but why isn’t ‘he being performative about it At This Time??

***Come to think of it, this sends me right back to how Jackles was playing Dean in 12x11 Regarding Dean THE episode dissecting Dean’s performative masculinity [one day I will clean up and post that analysis sitting in my drafts like a sad hamster]. That makes sense actually, because -> -> ->

that episode and this one are both written by Meredith Glynn.  Girl get in I want to torture you affectionately with a barrage of questions.

So here we have Dean and he’s not performing for Reasons, and he’s scared he’s genuinely scared of putting his hand in this stone lion-gargoyle-pig-creature’s mouth and then -

Smash gives him a push.

She gives him a push.  I cannot stop thinking about how she gives him a push.  A push to go do this thing that he is scared of; his fear being something he was hiding under his performative masculinity. Smash - dean coded dean mirror who does not perform femininity and is ‘weird’ -  she   gives   him   a     p u s h.

***linking here for the jackting joices that follow.

Now, let’s circle back to Smash’s story; why she is working for Bart in the first place -

SMASH

You think I wanna be here? Like I have a choice? SAM

You made a deal. SMASH

Wow! You think? SAM

You sold your soul. SMASH

And if I could take it back, I would. 

there is no reason for this picture here other than I needed you to see the jackting again

***How does the story end for Smash?

DEAN

Take care of you. [Dean glances down at the box, and then at Smash. She sees that Dean has put a lighter on top of the bones.]  BARTHAMUS

Alice, chop chop! 

[Bart indicates she should get his bones]. SMASH

Yeah. [She grabs the lighter and sets Bart's bones alight. Bart screams as he bursts into flames. ] 

***She accepts help and breaks free from the narrative, literally burning it down. The female presenting but not female-performing “weird” ooc representing a side of Dean breaks FREE because she makes a choice.  The lighter Dean drops? It’s a push.  And she goes with it.

Alice reclaims her story.

(Also, Grab gets ganked.  The male presenting ooc; the performative masculinity side; the demon; the darkness; the not-humanity - gets ganked).

Guess what Dean says to Alice when they say goodbye?

DEAN

Hey, Alice. Stay weird.

[I know the peace sign is probably just a Charlie throwback but I’d still like to say duality.  Two. ]

Dean’s not just talking to Alice.  He’s talking to himself; because the walls have been breached and for once Dean isn’t as scared of being different.  Maybe, just maybe, he’s going along with the push.  That’s exactly how the episode ends - with Dean feeling a little more hopeful, a little more at peace; a little more Considering he is capable of not only loving Cas but also not hating himself for it. 

[until the knowledge that Mary is still alive and the guilt of allowing himself ANY happy thoughts instead of looking for her miserably rears its ugly head in 13x09 and round and round we go but for NOW at least -> ]

DEAN

I'll drink to that.

(oh look Dean is just wearing his henley.  It’s almost as if a layer has been peeled back).

tagging @im-shaking-like-milk​ and @deanwasalwaysbi​ for letting me ramble on to them while writing this; and @lilac-void​ because you are always so kind about my stuff :)

[dallonm-archive]

[image description: a wideshot of the san francisco skyline, tinted orange by a sunset. Above the skyline, in a white serif font reads "REVELATIONS, REVELATIONS." in all caps. below, in lower caps reads "update #2" /end id]

Revelations, Revelations | Update #2

Hey besties! I've got a funky little RR update

I've had a little bit of a love hate relationship with this book in the last two months but I am loving it right now! I think my struggles came from how I didn't really accept that this book is Hard to write. like it's complicated! and it's set in another country in another era like idk what to tell you! And accepting that was such a weight off my shoulders because I'm not putting the blame on myself. I also was really stuck in part one's problems and I had to be like <3 bestie <3 abandon it til post draft editing. So right now it's like:

Part one: I see it as a little stray cat in an alleyway that I kneel down in front of like pspspsp :) and then it hisses and bites me because it is actually a feral raccoon. Definitely not where I want it to be but like I can fix him

Part two: super fun!! A lot of deeper (and messier) elements are introduced here and I feel like the story's ~vibes~ have clicked. It's a lot of fun and it's getting complex. Whilst there's conflict going on in part one there's definitely this false sense of stability and then part two hits all of them like a baseball bat

My drafting has been much more chill and non linear too, just writing the scenes I want to and then connecting them together. I've been focused less on rich prose/descriptions and more on prose that explores character and it's been very refreshing! I love my flowery prose but I think it's easy to get caught up in. I'm also no longer going to do chapter by chapter updates, both for plot privacy but also because this story is very delicate both in content and the drafting process and I don't just want to expose the bare bones of that, you know? So I'm just gonna do some sectioned rambles and talk about a couple chapters under the cut!

also no longer doing multiple taglists because i can't keep up so! general taglist, ask to be added or removed! ; @kowlazovdi @avi-burton-writing @ryns-ramblings @kitblogsthings @ezrathings @aetherwrites @radiomacbeth @bijouxs @bookphobe @haldimilks @alicewestwater @bookpacking @shaelinwrites @onlyganymede @theelectricfactory @write-like-babs @oceancold @veiliza @sidhewrites @wolf-oak @oasis-of-you @coffeeandcalligraphy @cecilsstorycorner @howdywrites @keira-is-writing @flip-phones @svpphicwrites

Only major change to report is I switched to alternate POVs instead of multiple chapters at a time in one POV because I'm insane <3 I had a lot of fun braiding POVs in Life Cycle of Massive Stars and wanted to try it here and it works much better! Though at this point I am simply ignoring the existence of part 1 because it really was the guinea pig part LMAO i experimented so much with structure and form and now it's a mess but it's <3 a future problem <3 i'd rather have one messy part than a whole first draft that's behind on my growing ~vision~ of the story.

[image description: a slightly purple tinted photo of two arms extending from the top and bottom of the photo, cropped to only show their hands. Their index fingers touch. in the middle, in a white serif font reads "dorothy" /end id]

Not a chapter, I had a lot of trouble with Dorothy in part 1 but I still love her so instead y'all are getting a mini character ramble! I felt really bad about her for the longest time because I've only been writing her since last summer whereas I've known Felix since like 2018 so there's naturally an imbalance, but I Do Not like that!! And she's really taken her time revealing herself, but I am ~fascinated by her.

I feel she's best summarised by this disillusionment for her life but mostly herself, because she's framed her whole identity by illusory perceptions of other people: a mother she doesn't remember, a girlfriend she breaks up with every six months but still shares a bed with, a twin brother she hasn't seen in person for four years and still sees as a teenager drenched in religious manipulation. It's a lot! She assumes that she feels dissatisfied with her life because she's without her twin, but then Felix returns to her life and shockingly this does not fix all of her problems??? She also doesn't know how to be alone, which definitely will not get better after Felix returns oop

The day her brother decides to leave, Dorothy is home alone.

Her San Francisco apartment is hollow like a hungry stomach. Three days ago, she drove Jolie to the airport then came home to cover the bathroom mirror with towels. On the first day she took an extra shift at the book store, drove through Sea Cliff at sunset, bumped into Mona on the stairwell and joined her and Margot for wine and slipped out when they began arguing over rent and office interns, started then discarded a portrait of a fictional girl and slept from two to five in the morning. On the second day she worked and spent an extra hour designing a window display on science fiction that she put together on the third day. Cut and painted a rocket ship on cardboard that she’ll have to scold kids for tugging, then get scolded herself by their mothers.

The day I finalise a design for their apartment it's over but I call this trick Trying To Get Around The Fact I Made Characters In Their Earlier Twenties Live In San Francisco (cw: drowning)

The apartment is nicer than her, but it’s been home for three years and they get $100 off rent each month because Jolie tends the garden and looks just like the landlady's daughter that drowned in the Pacific.

I don't think I've talked about Jolie much here which is funny because she is probably the most well-received amongst my friends! They love her so much and it's because she's a hot but slightly toxic lesbian smh, I'm like no seriously she does some fucked up things and they're like you promise?? Some funky facts:

Her real name is Jolene and she hates it except when the Dolly Parton song came on, that gives her a god complex

We are going to ignore how I accidentally named two characters after words for beautiful and pretty in French we are going to pretend it was intentional because when this gets published a uni student could get some good analysis out of that in their Intro to Literature class

She joined the cult with her mother at 13 and left as soon as she turned 18 LMAO. She was Dorothy's only connection to the "outside world" and the only reason she was able to leave

Her dream job is gardener/florist! We get it I watched Bly Manor last November. She's also a bartender

would probably have this on her car /j

[image description: a close up of a car sticker of a frog above "MILF" in green caps. below "MILF" reads "Man I Love Frogs" /end id]

Dorothy and Jolie have always been on and off and building tension but Dorothy realises this can't keep going when Jolie gets into a barfight at work and Dorothy feels Insane because she's the only one concerned?? (cw: blood, mild violence)

“You’re lucky it’s not broken.” She angles Jolie’s face, hand under her chin. Even with red blotted around her nostrils and lips, mulberry lipstick smudged, she still smiles like her bruises are a trophy. It’s a surprise she doesn’t dwell on it: it’s just some blood, doll, nothing to worry about. She didn’t even strike that good. Her technique was all off. If she shows her face back here I’ll just teach her how to punch properly. The worst part is over and I’m a big girl. Do I look upset? Am I crying? When they drive home, she’ll ask to stop and see if she can get free cigarettes or beer by holding her nose and making herself cry. She’ll probably ask Dorothy to hit her so it starts bleeding again. But she’s quiet, leans against the basin and lets her dab damp towels on her face. It doesn’t take long to clean up. It was just some blood.

“Nursing,” Jolie says.

“What?” “You keep saying you want to go to school but don’t know what for – nursing. You’re too good at taking care of people.”

That ending is like Top Three dialogue lines that made me really Concerned for how this character arc is gonna go :) but don't worry about it y'all. I do think Jolie genuinely loves Dorothy but that does not mean! the relationship is healthy!

Basically I love her a lot now that I know her better and I am excited to see where she goes! I think the biggest part of her arc is motherhood/daughterhood and TBH as a recently realised trans dude it took me a Minute to feel entitled to write her story? But being a cis woman shaped my life for two decades and getting to navigate that and being a daughter from a perspective that's totally distanced from myself is very helpful. It's about the inherent admiration and pain that comes from being a mother's daughter! (cw: blood, diet culture/disordered eating)

She lies next to the table and presses her forehead to the glass corner and imagines what would shatter first: the glass or her skin. And she imagines being a girl again, with French braids and too much baby fat in her cheeks and being picked up by a mother before the blood stains her hands and then her dress. She’d tell the mother she just wanted to read her magazines, the dog-eared articles about divorce and top tips for menopause and the benefits of eating half a grapefruit before your calorie-counted meals. And the mother would just brush the bangs out her face, press a pack of thawed peas on the wound and let her choose between the band aid with hearts or the band aid with flowers. And maybe the mother would know she did it for attention because they both know a daughters cry slices oxygen like glass to skin, but she’d still detangle her curls in the evening and kiss her forehead goodnight and serve her breakfast in the morning with half a grapefruit – the other half on her own plate, untouched and left to rot.

[image description: an orange firework exploding against a black sky. across the photo, in a white serif font reads "the last 10 hours of 1986" /end id]

This is technically two chapters, one in each POV and they close part one! Title is v explanatory and they're meant to be framed like a countdown - my plan was for the scenes to get shorter as it gets closer to midnight and that didn't really work but? The twins def get messier as the countdown goes down and THAT is what we like to see. This is also the only end of a part where the twins are separated but don't worry about it hehe :)

Dorothy

This chapter is like the First Time Dorothy does something for herself and. Good for her!

She’ll publish poetry under a pen name and horror short stories under another. She’ll paint indigo mountains and magenta oceans and not care when the colours stain her clothes. She’ll teach Felix how to blend acrylics and he’ll teach her how to remember piano notes and they won’t argue about who abandoned who. When Mona and Margot break up, she’ll go down to comfort Mona or Margot and then kiss Margot or Mona. She’ll move out and tell neither of them. She’ll find a landlady with a dead daughter and get a discount on an ocean view apartment with wall-length windows. Isaias will move in next door and they’ll have weekly dinner parties with wine that costs more than $10. She’ll go vegan. She’ll be so in tune with herself she won’t need to read magazine horoscopes or pay $50 for a psychic reading that assumes she knows her grandparents. She’ll know when she’s happy sad angry and why. She’ll take portrait commissions so she can afford a therapist. She’ll love her life and ignore that there’s no space for Jolie because she wants there to be. She’ll need nobody except herself. She’ll try and make things with Jolie work. She’ll kiss a random girl at midnight to see if it’s any different. She’ll go home after the countdown.

I had the revelation (aha) of Isaias and Dorothy as besties and I am OBSESSED! I love Isaias but struggled with his role so I'm really happy about this. Like he practices calligraphy and writes poetry titled after his favourite plants is he not the ideal character!! Hoping this will make it easier to learn about him so we can get that fun content

Felix

Felix's is fun because he makes the best decision of his arc but also the stupidest fucking decision of his arc. He truly has the range NOBODY is doing it like him. Here's a part that mirrors the excerpt above because even when they're apart Felix and Dorothy are like hmm we Will Be Intrinsically Connected (cw: drug, vomit and sex mention sorry he's going through it!!)

Two hours before midnight and Felix is alone in the bathroom. The party he abandoned synths through the ceiling. He plays Love My Way on his Walkman. Highest volume. Eyes closed. Imagines 1987 and decides he’s going to be honest about everything and nothing. He’s going to tell strangers at bars that he studies Literature at Stanford. He’s going to date a girl and pretend he has parents to introduce her to, that he grew up on a farm in Ohio and was secretly raised atheist, lie about what lies his parents told him. He’s going to grow out his hair and and blend cyan on his eyelids and send polaroids to his father with no return address; burn his fingertips on a candle flame like Michael will burn the photos of his son. He’s going to adore himself. He’s going to quit smoking and start jogging. He’s going to fuck Pacific Heights husbands whilst their wives sleep in the master bedroom and maybe they’ll angrily call him when they’re served divorce papers and hang up when he laughs. He’s going to get promoted to Assistant Manager and not care that his job is dead-end. He’s not going to kiss anyone at midnight because he doesn’t want to. He’s going to flush the cocaine because he doesn’t want it. He’s going to stare at his reflection until it moves for him. He’s going to vomit in a minute. He’s going to pierce his right ear with a sewing needle.

Felix at the end of part one: I give no more fucks!!! I am going to do whatever I want!!! Life is too short!!!

Felix at the end of part two:

[image description: screenshot of a tweet by @/idksomedumbshit. the tweet reads, "i can't mansplain manipulate manwhore my way out of this one boys" /end id]

I do think it's iconic that this time last year Felix was a repressed Christian boy and now his dream is to be a homewrecker THAT is growth. I also got to write Felix and Jolie which was fun because they do Not like each other <3 but they respect each other <3 but only sometimes <3 They have their first little bonding moment where Jolie pierces his ear in their bathroom but then Felix says something to piss her off so Jolie is like hmm okay time to chose Violence. This dialogue is funny because Felix does not really hate himself at this stage Jolie just knows she's gonna fuck him up by saying that !! My life would be so much easier if these twins had a normal relationship with the concept of being a twin but also this story would be very boring

The needle pierces his skin and he doesn’t feel it. Only the tequila swirling behind his eyes. The sting of the light-bulb. Jolie speaks again, “but she looks just like you, doesn’t she? Not the same of course, but enough to see each other in each other. That’s the worst part, right? To see the person you hate on the face of someone you love?”

[image id: a photo of the ocean with cliffs in the background, tinted orange by sunset. in the middle, in a white serif font reads "1/10/1987" /end id]

This chapter is so CUTE and also my first successful attempt at a different form that I can consistently keep in the narrative <3 I really like the idea of a fluid novel form that's adaptive to how the character's perception of the world would change which? Idk how much I can maintain that but this definitely follows it. I need to fine tune the execution but the concept is shots and transcript from a camcorder recording and playing with what the camera sees/doesn't see. The title is what the tape would be labelled, and on 1/10/1987 (american dates throw me off omfg) Beau takes Felix to a seaside town for his birthday and yes it's gay <3 but it's also just a lot of stupid dialogue which was very refreshing because I overthink dialogue so much I always think it has to have deeper meaning when sometimes its like....characters can sometimes...have Fun together. They are simply displaying Relationship Dynamics!

BEAU: Okay, give me a second…(the camera zooms on Felix) There we go! Right, okay, so it’s Saturday, January 10th, 1987, what’re doing out here today?

FELIX: What is this, an interview or something? You sound like a TV host on those morning shows.

BEAU: Oh my God no they’re so annoying, don’t compare me to those.

FELIX: No but I can imagine it perfectly. You’d just be all (holding a pretend microphone) Gooood Morrrning from sunny San Francisco! My name is Beau Teixeira and—

Beau: (laughing) Shut the fuck up!

I love this chapter a lot because you can definitely tell that their dynamic has Shifted but also! They are still just friends being friends and I really want them to just kiss already but also I love the natural progression of friends to lovers....falling in love and not realising it and then suddenly it all makes sense...

BEAU: You wanna try filming? It’s easier if you hold it on your shoulder. Like this. Put your hands where mine are.

[How their fingers whisper against each other. How Beau’s cologne smells of lime and tangerine. ]

Beau steps back into view, runs a hand through his curls. Leather jacket flutters in salted wind. Behind him the sunset flickers over waves like a candle flame. He smiles at the camera.

BEAU: I think you’re a natural! You’re definitely gonna be first choice for cameraman on my shitty morning show.

[How Felix smiles at him.]

(cw: next paragraph talks about the AIDS crisis)

Whilst this is a Fun And Cute Chapter there is more depth to it since the last time we see Beau and Felix before it is the first time they open up about the AIDS Crisis and their fears surrounding it. I have a lot of complicated thoughts about writing this part of history that I could write about all day but it boils down to the fact that "so many queer stories are centred around queer trauma and tragedy and queer people deserve to read stories centred around love and happiness" and "with a queer novel set in 1980s SF it'd be just as bad to completely ignore what happened" are two things that can coexist. I definitely think stories centred around the crisis are necessary (recently read The Prettiest Star by Carter Sickels and highly recommend! Also has a similar camcorder function and an emphasis on preserving. Also made me cry) but shouldn't be the default, especially in a story that if published would have a queer readership, so whilst it's something I want to explore I want to do it in a way that ultimately celebrates queer happiness, love and life. Definitely way more that could be said about this and the function of queer trauma in queer narratives but! Both Beau and Felix feel a need to not only capture as much as possible, but to capture it specifically with the intent to look back in the future, as well as a general We Are Going To Try And Find Happiness Wherever We Can. Also feel like a lot of Beau's character clicked whilst writing it which was very fun!

[How Beau wouldn’t say where they were going but cracked before they left San Francisco because he had too many stories to tell: five year old burning his tongue on café tea, six year old falling into waves and being unbothered, seven year old plucking chrysanthemum petals from stranger’s gardens. How Beau has an orange car freshener and missing headrest on the passengers seat. How Beau drove a longer route because it was closer to the coastline. How Beau played Pet Shop Boys’ Please and knew the words to every song. How Felix realized that he did too.]

[image description: a man and a woman sit next to each other on a bench. the photo is taken from behind them. in the background, you can vaguely see water, hills and the golden gate bridge. across the image, in a white serif font reads "everything the same about dorothy and felix" /end id]

Little title explanation: part 1 has two chapters, "Everything Different about Felix" and "Everything Different about Dorothy" which introduce their relationship + impression of each other after not seeing each other in person for four years (and also how they have images of each other in their heads that are false but they're attached to and it's really not helping the whole complicated twin relationship thing but don't worry about it) and I'd like to expand on that in part two so! An attempt was made. This takes place the day after the above chapter on the twins' actual birthday, the first one they're celebrating together since they were 18 and the first one in the "outside world" so it's a moment!

I'm not happy with how this chapter came out but I think it's just because it's an important one to me! Partly because it helps cement the idea that in spite of their complex relationship, Felix and Dorothy never stop being twins and they never stop loving each other even on the days they dislike each other. But mainly because: these are two adults who lost their childhood to trauma and they finally have the freedom to live their life and! Sometimes that means living for the inner child that never got to be a child. As a certified Adult With Childhood Trauma having a chapter like this was v important because trauma never leaves you but that doesn't mean you can't be happy!! Also it's just. cute. They run around San Francisco, bake a really shitty birthday cake, talk about whether or not San Francisco is real, I want what they have. There is underlying conflict because hoo boy there is Shit simmering rn! But it was nice to have this and the previous chapter as just like. Two little golden moments you know. Calm before the storm if you will

Midnight. Dorothy lies on a mattress on the floor in an apartment in San Francisco. Her brother’s head in her lap. “You know what’s crazy to me? Nobody ever asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. That just wasn’t something we were allowed to think about. I know it’s depressing, I just think about that a lot.”

Felix keeps his eyes on the ceiling. The clock ticks. “Well, what do you wanna be when you grow up?”

“Astronaut, of course.”

“I was gonna say astronaut.”

“You definitely weren't,” she says. “Besides, I already claimed it.”

He looks at her. “I was thinking it. Before you said it, I claimed it in my mind.”

“That’s not how it works. I can’t read your mind.”

Felix sits up. “Wait, you can’t? Gee Dotty, some twin you are.” He grins. So does she.

Usually I am like. I don't think they would care too much about the twin thing. But I also think they would definitely joke about it, like if someone asked a stupid question Felix would be like "well of course we can read each others minds, dont you know how twins work?? like right now my twin sister who is my twin is thinking about giving me, her twin brother, $200" But lets end this on an excerpt where Dorothy doesn't give him $200 but she does think Oh How Did I Spend Four Years Without My Brother

(cw: death mention + missing persons mention, plane crash + boating accident mention)

Dorothy is used to his presence, has been for a year: coffee stains on the table, cupboards left open in the kitchen, clustered ashtray in the living room, hair gel and Jazz aftershave behind the bathroom mirror, Queen or Bowie or Alphaville sifting from his room. His voice. How he always knocks on her door to say goodnight. How he weaved himself into the ecosystem like air but tonight she watches her brother do nothing but breathe and she remembers waking up every January 11th in 1983, 84, 85, 86, and chucking a towel over the bathroom mirror. How she told strangers at bars that she’s an only child; or that she had a younger brother, but he died in a plane crash or a boating accident or went on a hiking trip and never came back, was likely immortalised as a John Doe in Oregon or Nevada records. How she went four years without coffee stains and open cupboards and goodnight knocks and Queen or Bowie or Alphaville renditions when he forgets that she exists in this space too. How hollow those four years were.

And that's all I have to share! I'm not sure when the next update will be, but I much prefer this format of talking about the story! If you read this far I love u <3

[inked-out-trees]

⭐ for The Keep Going Song? Thanks! :)

(anh i would die for you)

Thank you for asking! I am going to be talking about the whole thing because it's fun, and because there's not really many ~secrets~ within the text to ramble about, just little fun snippets!

I'll do it under a cut because I will definitely ramble. Woohoo!

I came across The Keep Going Song (the song) after my Lookout 3 Companion Playlist (& my spotify discovery) introduced me to the Bengsons. The effect was almost instantaneous - it's the kind of warmth I try to encompass in everything I do, and for the next few days I had it on repeat as I worked. This was around the time I was finishing my Lookout script, and I had been toying with the idea of writing a Cornleyverse fic after absolutely devouring all 10 fics in the tag. What I knew was that I wanted it to be sweet, I wanted it to pull them all together, and I wanted it to be a progression. Despite only having seen the Goes Wrong Show, jumping into the fandom made me want to dimensionalize these characters and give them a story beyond everything that had already occured.

I also watched Christmas Carol before / during the writing process, but to date I have not watched Peter Pan or the full-length TPTGW. My prior knowledge comes from Wikipedia, the delightul amateur TPTGW production on YouTube, a friend's excellent transcription of the Haversham Manor script, and tumblr meta analysis. I think I did a reasonable enough job pretending I knew what I was doing.

Let's get going!

I knew off the top that it was going to be vignettes - they would give me room to spread the story over the long period of time it takes for a group of people to grow into something resembling a family. Like I said in the original author's note, there was supposed to be more of the early, snippy days - but I got so focused on making them kinder that I found I couldn't properly write a fight. In hindsight, it probably would have been easier if I tried writing that first, but, well. Once I realized that it was too late. The alphabet idea came later, once I had them all finished: I wanted to organize them somehow, but numbers felt too open, too infinite - closing the story on an organizational endpoint was just really satisfying.

a - Every good story needs a good beginning.

c - Starting with the end of Peter Pan is my sneaky way of slipping past the fact that I haven't seen the earlier shows! The Max and Sandra storyline is just so sweet, and I wanted to let it exist a little bit in between our jump from Peter Pan to Christmas Carol. This vignette came so easily when I wrote it and I love love love the feelings and the tentativity about the whole thing.

f - This was actually the last vignette I wrote. I realized I needed some front-end padding because otherwise my angst plot came rather abruptly, and what better way? At this point, too, I was trying to bring in POVs from each one of our characters, and when deciding on Trevor's POV I thought the exasperation-excitement combination would be an excellent choice. It turns out Trevor is my favourite to write, mostly because I can find his voice a lot easier than some of the others - and probably also because I hold a lot of fondness and nostalgia for stage crew work. Also, I wrote most of this one on a long evening walk in the notes app on my phone. Fun fact.

h - I did my original idea slam in a draft tumblr post, and this one just says "birthday party but one without all the drama of christmas carol". And what do you know, that's exactly what it is! I definitely took the birthday party (in CCGW as well as in this fic) as a kind of proof that they really do like each other, if they're doing things like this and if they want to do things like this - and that theme of okay, they want to be here formed the basis for this part. I think it's exceptionally sweet that Dennis came looking for friends and ended up finding, well, something. And I popped in a little MMNI reference with "one of the Janines" - Backwards Janine? Frontwards Janine? Original Janine? Who knows! It's one of them!

l - The thing about this plot is that it's actually one of the first ideas I had when dreaming up this fic, and I couldn't quite let it go. The point was, what if I somehow split them up? How can they get on when half the society is out of commission? And the most reasonable way I could find to actually get half of them out of commission was the car accident. To be honest, this one is mostly filler - it's also the second vignette I wrote, and it found its birth in the email drafts of my work laptop.

m - Trying to map out this little plotline without overdoing it might have been the most difficult part of this fic, and I'm still not 100% sure I succeeded. This is our explanation for the unease from the vignette above, and it took me 3 rewrites before I finally found something that settled in my brain. "Dennis gets chased by a goose" might be one of my favourite lines in the fic though.

Also, putting these letters right next to each other made me feel really clever for no reason.

n - My Jonathan perspective also took a few stutter-steps in its beginning, but this one ultimately came from the promo video's reveal that Robert and Dennis live together, and me playing with the continual idea of the remaining cast members being rather unmoored in their injured castmates' absence. Robert in particular because I love his character and I love making him Feel Things(TM) (fun hint: this will also be a small theme in the new cpds fic I have in the works!) and I want to see so much from this odd relationship between him and Dennis. Obviously they have to tolerate each other if they are willingly roommates - how far can I go with that? I love how this one turned out.

o - All I have to say about this one is that I still really love the sweetness between these two, and they deserve the world. Also, at some point during writing this I was really caught up with how striking Dave's face silhouette is (don't ask) so that ended up making it in somehow.

q - Girls' Night is SO important to me. After all the work they've done to make these gals friends I needed to capture it, and a pleasant night in just made a lot of sense. This one is the home of a few of my headcanons - Annie has a chef roommate and Max does a lot of the cooking, thus the "neither of us are the usual household cooks" comments, and I also think they're at the point where they can joke about their previous failures (especially with these three together) so the nod to A Trial To Watch (my favourite gws episode) was so fun. Also, Waking Ned really is a silly pick-me-up of a movie - would recommend. Special thanks to CBC for giving us Canadians quality British TV alongside our occasionally questionable homegrown programming.

r - It wouldn't be a fic about progress and growth with this crew without a disheartening moment turned into gold. I wrote this one while barbecuing, another fun fact, and no joke the hardest part was figuring out what to name the play they were doing. I kept pace with the whole "Jonathan can't get onscreen" gag, which was personally hilarious and made me cackle as I wrote it, and the rest of it just felt good. I will always have a soft spot for comfort and reassurance in a story and getting to write it has just been an absolute delight.

t - This was one of my other unplanned vignettes. It was originally to fill out Robert's POV, but also to express a bit of how things have changed in Chris's attitude towards his cast - if there's one thing I would change from Mischief's characerisation thus far, it's this brand of almost-kindness that I consistently need to write him with. It takes the aftermath of the car accident and uses it to kind of make him understand - this is a valuable group of people and I don't want to lose it. But of course he's not the type of person to actually express that in any way, so I thought the frenetic hovering was a good way to get the point across. As well, the kind-of-bonding between Chris and Robert - the two of them are such powerhouses of insistent personality that conflict so easily but they've also got a more secret kind of friendship that deserves to be explored a little more. I really like this vignette and how it ended up portraying how they are around each other, how they really do know each other, especially when they're not fighting. Makes me soft.

w - This is the first vignette I wrote! I honestly didn't realize until writing this just how much I identify with Annie - best of both worlds re. crew and cast, a bit of tenacity regarding getting through things, overall personality - I just love her so so much. She also seems like the most sensible of the cast, so the collective "why are we really here?" moment with Trevor really spoke to me. I love their friendship, I love the kind of quiet vibe this vignette gives off - this is one of the ones I can feel most strongly, the one I can step into and exist inside. I also spent most of my old drama rehearsals and classes without shoes, so that had to make it in just by virtue of the sock brigade (me).

z - One thing I knew for sure since the inception of the fic was that it needed to end on a victory. I took the images I had of this victorious adrenaline, everyone together having a good time, kind of getting smashed, and karaoke (I really wanted the karaoke, for some reason) and went the obvious route: the wedding. Ending on Chris POV also felt so right - possibly because he's the one with the most growth in this fic - and getting to finally feel this triumph with him after all these other trials and tribulations was an absolute joy. The wedding hall, in my head, looks like the one my cousin used (it was at a zoo... my sister and I went on a night walk and heard a lot of screaming peacocks) and I definitely threw all my wistfulness, all my love for the characters I'd developed, and all my love for this fantastic fandom into this part. The incorrect lyrics that Annie sings are exactly what I think every time I hear that song, because I've never looked up the lyrics before and my brain likes to play Mad Libs with my super-questionable auditory processing. And the image of the ballroom staff getting really exasperated with them and shutting all the lights off came to me at night and is hastily scribbled on a sticky note (it's a wonder it's legible) but I still strongly believe that it's the perfect, perfect way to end. I still get the warm feelings when I reread this part, even now, after so many reads.

And, finally - our end quote is exactly what started this whole thing. What is this drama society if not a rough beginning? But the concept that we'll make it through, that we can just take a step and then another and it'll be okay because we're together... it's hard to describe just how much it means to me, to my place in the world, to the world itself. I think one of my rather consistent aims in writing, no matter what it is, is to be able to have this collective - characters that become family, people that are important to each other, this constellation to lean on - because it's all I can say for the human experience. It's probably quite a bit of wishful thinking (as I said to another friend, "I am apparently letting loose on all my repressed social feelings of the past year and shoving them into fics") and a sort of subconscious confirmation that if I write it, I can be it. So this force of understanding and kindness and ultimately good people helping each other through the world is something I can't help but include, something that means the absolute world to me.

I'm so glad to have been able to share this fic with everyone, and extra glad that it's been able to touch some people along the way. I've found such an incredible community in Mischief and coincidentally I think The Keep Going Song represents that warmth, too - the community I've been so lucky to exist inside, how we're helping each other along, step by step. What a beautiful thing to be a part of! Thank you for reading and allowing me to give you a bit of my heart. 💖💖

[honestsportsopinion]

New York Rangers and the situations they are in

Disclaimer: This essay or article, call it as you wish, is my own information analysis. I am in no way sports journalist or try to be one. All the sources will be linked bellow.  

           Idea to write this thing came from my close friend and I thought: “Why the hell not?” Once I started the research, I realised it will not be easy to put this together because so much information has come up in last few weeks and more has happened in last few days. So, this may seem messy. I will talk about points about New York Rangers that I took closer look to.

           Possibly, New York Ranger fans can better pinpoint the moment when things started to go south in their team. When rookie development was thrown out of window and the youngsters got left to fend for themselves without help. When did racist players got given one chance after another? It must have been painful to see such good team and organisation to dissolve in what it is now. Yes, it is kind of hard to call them team right now.

           First, want to start with this interview quote from ex-New York Rangers player Kevin Hayes, conducted in 2019, that prompted me to look a bit further in this whole situation:

"They chose to get rid of me and Vese, but that's their decision," Hayes said. "I'm sure it'll come back to them; we'll find out."

Not only New York Rangers got rid of Kevin Hayes and Jimmy Vessey, but next season Brady Skjei followed his friends off to a different team. Few seasons ago this trio was in grace of the organisation but now they are out of it. No one still understands how that happened. If we highlight this quote from Mr. Hayes, we can see that there was some bitterness over whole situation, that even the best media training could not mask. Also, we could say that words in it is quite prophetic. It will come back to them he said and oh, how it did come back to this team. Starting one whirlwind after another.

           Secondly, I want to talk about development and treatment of younger players that come to New York Rangers organisation. We all well know how K’Andre Miller got welcomed in this team with livestream chat absolutely being flooded with racist comments. It is all still fresh in our minds and we will come back to K’Andre Miller a bit later.

           Lias Andersson was young player with bright future, being drafted as 7th overall in 2017 entry draft. His story also is not best: for three seasons being thrown between AHL and NHL, allowed to play few games for New York Rangers. In no way the team tried to build up his confidence. Of course, it is not easy to be treated as moving piece. When you are as young as 18, you need to feel backed up by the team you got drafted. After these years of up and down in USA, Mr. Andersson choose to go back home to Sweden.

           Now we have Finish player Kaapo Kakko in similar situation.  Absolutely not feeling backing of team or coach who in recent press conference said this:

 “He’s got seven points in his last seven NHL games and what can happen in this game is we get so caught up in where they were drafted and the hype about people.  I don’t give two craps about that.  We want to win hockey games and he was the best option.  How’d it work out?”

While in the same interview he praised the No. 1 draft pick Alexis Lafrenière. I am in no way pitting those two against one another, but coach should be one person that stays unbiased no matter what and helps players find their rooting in team. From this interview it feels like he already has view on Mr. Kakko and does not want to change his opinion on him.

           Right here in me could start talking hurt European but I am not going to step as low as David Quinn because I have general understanding about different nationalities that react to things differently. All I can say is I wish Kaapo to find team that will give him the rooting he needs, but also knowing Finns he will try to fight for his place.

           Lastly, we must mention the name of player that has worst possible reputation in NHL, so bad that none of 30 teams want to take him of the waivers. You guessed it folks: Tony DeAngelo. Yes, finally New York Rangers are getting rid of this player, but should he have been called up at all. By the words of New York Rangers general manager Jeff Gorton:

“We did a lot of research, talked to a lot of people about Tony prior to acquiring him,” Gorton said. “We did our homework, we were comfortable[..].”

Looking from outside of it all, it seems they did none of the research and DeAngelo could do whatever he wanted to do. Team even promoted his podcast, that does not put out best message to anyone. We can also talk about his twitter and Instagram tantrums that have hurt more people than not. Organisation says they talked with DeAngelo, but nothing seemed to work, even the tiny suspensions that he was getting. DeAngelo felt like he had his teams backing, that no players we talked before in this essay have felt. Craziest thing is that he just recently resigned with the team, they still believed in him.

           So DeAngelo took it as a sign to stretch their trust even thinner. There is alleged news that he stole K’Andre Millers first goal puck. New York Rangers are trying to cover it up, but fans are more attentive. There was not picture of K’Andre holding his puck while the New York Rangers posted Lafrenière with his puck. The team can come out with statements about this whole thing, but they cannot stop the windmill of news sharing.

          Whole thing culminated in altercation between DeAngelo and Georgiev. This finally got organisation into gear, booting DeAngelo off the team fully. Scariest thought is that New York Rangers would have kept this under wraps, too, not to spoil their team’s name. It got out and this time easiest choice was to fire DeAngelo. As easily they trusted him, as easily they let him go. Maybe it is fresh breath of air that this team needs, maybe this situation will raise up more dirty laundry but what is done is done. There is no way back and only way forward.

Conclusion.

           New York Rangers as organisation do not seem to understand how to develop young players and make them in star players anymore while their history shows that they can do that. As organisation they have let down many of their players and fans who believed in them, allowing racists and bigots play in the team freely without huge consequences. Yes, people will go and say they fired DeAngelo. I will answer them: “Good but where were they before when they could have chosen not to call him up. Signs were there already.”

           We can see that they choose easiest way, forgetting that team is supposed to be family where each player is ready to stand and fall for one another. Generally, I wish New York Rangers to find the light in the end of a tunnel. Find their way back to developing young players to proper stars and not to make any dumb mistakes.

Sources:

Abate, B. (14.01.2021.). Rangers Must Learn from Mistakes Made with Andersson. Retrieved from https://thehockeywriters.com/rangers-lias-andersson-development-mistakes-learning-opportunity/

Cuthbert, J. (31.01.2021.). Rangers waive controversial Tony DeAngelo after reported altercation with teammate. Retrieved from https://tinyurl.com/i4jox6v9

NBC. (21.09.2019.). Interview with Kevin Hayes. Retrieved from https://www.nbcsports.com/philadelphia/flyers/kevin-hayes-honest-about-his-time-rangers-ecstatic-be-flyers

New York Rangers. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Rangers#Jeff_Gorton_era_(2015%E2%80%93present)

Paulus, S. (31.01.2021.). David Quinn must dislike Kaapo Kakko a lot. Retrieved from https://bluelinestation.com/2021/01/29/new-york-rangers-coach-david-quinn-must-dislike-kaapo-kakko-a-lot/

Valji, S., N. (31.01.2021). Future of Tony DeAngelo (Twitter thread). Retrieved from https://twitter.com/salimvalji/status/1355968550393901056

Walker, M. (16.01.2021.). Rangers bench star Tony DeAngelo for game against Islanders. Retrieved from https://nypost.com/2021/01/16/tony-deangelo-not-in-rangers-lineup-for-game-vs-islanders/

Walker, M. (01.02.2021.). Rangers refute ‘sad’ K’Andre Miller rumor after banishing Tony DeAngelo. Retrieved from https://nypost.com/2021/02/01/rangers-refute-kandre-miller-rumor-amid-tony-deangelo-saga/

[sasodei-is-real]

Good afternoon💙 Well, or just Hello if you have a different time of day 😅💙

Thank you for your answers!)

And I still can’t reply to comments (I don’t know what is wrong), so I’ll answer like this)

@justanotherblonde thank you very much, it's so nice 🥺💙 And I'm glad that it will be interesting for you) Because the topic is actual and worth discussing.

@movethisalong Thanks for the answer!) I will soon work on the text in drafts, I will publish it today)💗

@bodoquehenko Weeell ... it's not directly related. But indirectly, yes. After all, even though Deidara is an adult, he has a big age difference with Sasori. So, for us - Sasodei fandom, this topic is not completely alien. Anyway, in any fandom, this is a very controversial and interesting topic that is worth discussing. As a sasodei shipper, I was asked questions about this topic. I think it would be nice to say my opinion on this issue and put all the points above and. I will talk not only about the general phenomenon, but also about sasodei separately in this topic.

But of course I will continue the analysis💛. This is not even discussed, because it is for this analysis that my blog was invented. But the point is, right now I only have time for one post. And analysis consists of many parts. And if I had written today about Onoki and Gaara (that is, I would have continued the analysis), I would have been able to move on to the next part of the analysis only in two weeks (this is how long my studies at the university will last). And that's not very good. Because although the analysis consists of different parts, the thing is integral. And it is best to read it without long breaks. I already postponed the analysis for a long time because of the uni , and then I did not want to continue again and stop the two weeks between the next part. I thought, since there is only time for one post, why not write about an actual topic that I would still raise and which would fit into one post. And then continue writing the analysis during the holidays and without long delays between continuation in order to maintain integrity.

Well, then the question was whether it would be interesting for you to discuss the topic of the age difference))

As for the ships, I think to talk after a specific stage in the analysis - when we analyze the characters of Sasori and Deidara. That is, the storage of posts turns out to be something like this - 1 question about the age difference 2 analysis where we left off - Onoki and Gaara (Iva and Suna) 3 The next stage of the analysis is Sasori and Deidara's relationship with the rest of the characters 4 Sasori and Deidarf characters 5 Short conversation about crack ships (which is not part of the analysis of sasodei, but what is worth discussing) 6 Philosophy of Sasori and Deidara, the symbolism of their characters 7 FINALLY 😂 Analysis of the relationship between Sasori and Deidara - Sasodei

Thank you for answer ^w^🧡

@deidaraakasuna Yes, I myself really want to move on to their relationship as soon as possible 🤧❤ Yes, they were created for each other. It is obvious.💫💗

And yes. I agree, everyone has the right to ship whatever they want. I am not against any crackships, or ships with questionable context ... well, any. A person's taste is formed on the basis of his lived life and emotions, and this is too personal to criticize.

But. I'm not talking about WHAT they ship, but HOW they raise their ship, for example, how, by substituting facts, they justify their ships.

I will try to explain what I think about this. The bottom line is that Naruto is a very elaborate and fragile story, the essence of which is her philosophy. Naruto has a very interesting build scheme. Recently I talked with my friend, and she noticed that in its structure Naruto is similar to the Russian classic novel "The Master and Margarita" by Bulgakov. And this is so. The bottom line is that there are a lot of characters in Naruto. Each character has its own story, its own psychology, motivation and internal conflict, the solution of which manifests one thought. The character has a conflict, the opposite or controversial side of his conflict is put in front of him, most often with the help of another character and ultimately, thanks to the contradiction, the truth is found - that is, we get a ready-made thought about any aspect of life. And so on. Everything is connected together, and each such thought, which is formed with the help of the character's life - by doing it with the rest, creates the philosophy of the work.

For instance. Sasori and Deidara degenerate their vision of the world in their art. They were a contradiction, in the end they found harmony, Deidara accepted eternity, and Sasori the truth of transience. Thanks to the fact that Sasori took instant and soul - Kankuro managed to dissuade him and Sasori decided to find eternity in the continuation of generations. During Edo Tensei, we see Sasori no longer hide his concern for Deidara with excuses and aggression - he has evolved. Therefore, Kankuro deals with the question of the soul. Sasori dies while Deidara screams and he pretends to embrace his parents. During the conversation, Edo Tensei, with the help of Kankuro and Sasori, reveal to us the theme of the soul. What is the soul? A haven of pain that poisons the heart, but without which you become a weak-willed marilnet. And Sasori's conflict is directly related to Obito. After discussing the soul issue, we see Obito pointing at the hole in his chest and saying that he doesn't feel anything. This is great preparation for Obito. These two characters are somewhat similar. Both wanted to escape their pain and forget themselves in illusions. Sasori replaced people with puppets, and love with universal contempt and control. Obito wanted to forget himself in the eternal Tsukuemi. Sasori accepted his feelings for Deidara. Obito realized that he shouldn't forget Rin. Sasori died in such a pose like hugging his parents. Obito died again while saving his friend Kakashi. Both died in the same situations that doomed them to suffering and pushed them into the dark. Simbolic 👀.(By the way, did you notice that Sasori's main OST is playing in the background? "Despair"). I mean, in Naruto, everything is very closely related to each other. Sasori and Deidara's relationship is their development. And when, for example, I see the sasosaku shippers dismantle the battle scene and say that Sakura influenced Sasori, proving her validity, it's not very pleasant. Primarily as a Naruto fan. Let's imagine for a minute If Sakura really influenced Sasori.

Sasori would not be able to achieve what he most desired - true eternal art. The role of Kankuro would not be needed and he would not have developed as a character and would not have received future Puppets . Since Kankuro is not needed, then his conversation with Chiyo and her acceptance will not take place. Since Sakura has already influenced him, there is no need to talk about the soul - there is no full disclosure of Sasori and the prologue to Obito's conflict. Complete disregard for Sasori's feelings for Deidara and for finding harmony.

And the most important thing. Sasori is a complex and deep character with his own feelings and motives. Each of his actions is based on his state of mind and thoughts. And when they explain Sasori's decision by the fact that he was influenced by a 15-year-old girl who then shouted that she wanted to get rid of her parents and who was unable to understand Sasori continued to scream, and not his character - this is a spit towards Sasori. As a Sasori stan, I am not pleased.

And so with everyone. I love Deidara. Obito is my heart. But in the pairing, Obiday Deidara is presented not as a deep character with his own conflict, but as a cliché "I behave aggressively, but I like you." Rin and Obito's wonderful story...?? No?😅😂

And yes, of course it is clear that in canon these are all crackships.

And I don't mind when people ship characters for themselves, draw art, write fanfiction and have fun. no, that's cool. BUT when they try to prove the canonicity of such an absurdity ... I'm Here 🌚👍

And after all, philosophy really changes. I was talking to my friend last week and he said, "It would be cool if in the Kazekage arc it turned out that Gaara is Uzuma. It would turn out that Naruto Uzumaki saved Uzumaki." Umm ... no. It wouldn't be.

The fact that Gaara was none for Natuto was done for a reason. From the very beginning, Gaara's history and development prepared us for 1 Pain's Philosophy. 2 To resolve the conflict between Suna and Iva. Two old villages.

Remember the first season? As after the fight Naruto said "I understand your pain, I went through the same." Gaara was not Naruto's relative, his friend from the start, he was from another village and was his enemy because

1. This resolved the conflict between Chie and the conservative villages. Chie asked, "Why does he care so much about Gaara? They are from different villages." Chie of the old school has broken the world into structures, forgetting that, first of all, they are all people and not representatives of countries. Kakashi replies, "He doesn't care what village he is from. They went through the same pain and are the best at each other." Chie dies realizing the old mistakes imposed by generations "You will change this world invented by old and stupid people."

2. Gaara was preparing us for a meeting with Pain. Pain's philosophy was that people who were completely alien to each other could understand each other by knowing the same pain. If Gaara was Naruto's relative, it would destroy the entire structure of philosophy.

3 The example of Naruto and Gaara is Jiraiya's true teaching. "We know what pain is and try to be merciful to others." The idea seems to be the same as that of Pain, but at the same time it is completely different. Pain used pain ( ahh sorry 😂) as a weapon. Against the background of Gaara's example, this looks even more obvious.

4 In the future, just like Naruto changed Chiyo, Gaara will change Onoki.

I want to say that in Naruto everything is very fragilely interconnected. This is the order and the relationship of the characters of the link. So why when the same shippers Sasosaku, Tobidei and Itadei prove their "canonicity" by

1 Sakura influenced sasori

2 Tobi called Deidara his favorite senpai

3 Deidara hates sharingan and talks about Itachi

Well, on the one hand, I don't care as the sasodei shipper , because as many canonical proofs and justifications as Sasodey has, not a single ship has

but on the other hand, as a fan of Naruto philosophy, I hate to see how people are ready to distort the idea of ​​anime and the characters of in order to prove their canon.

So,

In a word, I want to talk about this first of all as

1 A fan of the naruto philosophy that becomes meaningless due to the substitution of facts for some ship

2 A fan of all these characters who are distorted trying to prove their "canonicity"

3 Sasodei shipper

In general, I do not mind "I like this ship and I ship it. Ok"

I do not like "I will ignore the facts and at the same time do not care that I made the philosophy of the anime useless, distort the characters of the persona only in order to prove their some crackship's canonicity 🌚👍"

I hope I could explain why I want to talk about it😶

And this one is so sweet🥺💗Yes, I also know people with a huge difference in age who are beautiful and happy together for a long time. And although I agree that a lot is not visible from the outside, but age really does not matter. It's all about people.

And I'm sorry that it turned out so long 😅

This was a good chance to explain why I decided to talk about other ships (/> <)/

So, thanks again for the answers ^=^ ❤💛

I’ll go and write a post about the age difference in the drafts, edit it a little and post 🐥🦂

[moviegroovies]

confession time: for someone who (semi) actively runs a movie blog, i really haven’t seen a lot of classic movies.

(i know this comes as a shock for those of y’all who have been subjected to nothing but my half-baked thoughtpieces on bad 80′s horror for the past couple of years, but bear with me.) 

to be honest, even this review doesn’t REALLY represent me making an active choice to remedy that so much as it does me pulling a long con where i endear myself to marilyn monroe by watching her movies to get myself excited to watch the miniseries blonde (2001), for abnormally pretty, young jensen ackles purposes*, but let’s not dwell on all that. the practical result is the same; i watched some like it hot (1959). now, i hope y’all are ready for a few some like it Thoughts™:

first, idk how much attention y’all have been paying to the loose bits of personal lore i occasionally scatter within my reviews, but one thing about myself that i feel i’ve been pretty open about is the fact that i’m trans. this being so, and knowing not a whole lot about the movie beyond the very basic premise “1959 extended man in a dress gag,” i can’t say i went in with the highest of expectations. imagine my surprise, then, when the gender aspect of this movie was... actually pretty good? i mean, full disclosure, it’s not exactly gender studies, but it’s passable! it’s tolerable! there were even a few moments where i felt inclined to say the words “oh, GENDER?” out loud!

perhaps most impressively, i’d say the Cis Creator Cringe Factor of some like it hot was actually impressively LOWER than a lot of modern moves with genderswapping premises tend to be. like, i know that one definite explanation for that would be the fact that trans experiences are more widespread today, so modern filmmakers don’t feel comfortable playing with ideas like this without at least giving lipservice to them, while the era that bore some like it hot didn’t face the same “pressure,” but, okay. listen. compared to another movie i watched recently--freaky (2020), in which a teenage girl swaps bodies with serial killer vince vaugn, featuring one incredibly anvilicious scene where, upon being informed by a gay boy that she’s in the men’s bathroom, the girl’s best friend retorts, “she [vince vaugn]’s got a dick in her hand, and you’re wearing chanel no. 5. i think we’re past labels.”--some like it hot, a movie older than my father, was wayyyy easier to watch**. actually, you know what? yeah. listen to me. cis content creators? movie producers? i’m talking to you. DON’T EVEN BRING GENDER (or gender “identities”... which is an incredibly gross term, anyway) UP IF YOU’RE NOT PLANNING TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT. sincerely, this particular bad taste corner of the trans community :).

...anyway.

some like it hot, by contrast, did it right. YES, the premise of the movie was two presumably cis men in disguise as women. i’ll put that in the open. however, there was a certain... i don’t know if “respect” is the right word, but there was an avoidance, at least, of the usual predatory tropes. in fact, the worst behavior by far from either main character comes when joe manages to take off his female disguise, donning another, male persona and using things that sugar (marilyn’s character) confided in “josephine” to create a nonthreatening, desirable “millionaire” in order to trick her into sex. okay, like i said, it’s not gender studies, but, the humor in some like it hot comes from generally the right place. joe and jerry don their female disguises in a matter that in quite literally life and death for them (and it’s more than the creators ever thought of, i’m sure, but there IS an interesting analysis to be had of them needing to pass to live), which to a degree removes the usual pitfalls of male to female crossdressing as a gag; they’re neither doing it for lecherous reasons, nor to parody the female experience. this being a comedy, there is a degree of humor found in the situation, but it’s directed at jerry and joe, the characters, more than their disguises. the general assumption is that they both pass without question, as long as they’re wearing their ladies’ clothes; jerry once comments that he’s “not even pretty,” but it’s never an issue to contend with. 

wrt the crossdressing, the worst moment for me, personally, was a scene on the train when jerry prepared to take off the disguise in order to sleep with sugar, and even this ends up comedically averted at jerry’s expense.

and speaking of jerry.

jerry is actually the most compelling part of the movie for me, especially viewing it through the lens of gender. while joe, who gets the girl and manages to spend large chunks of the latter part of the film in his second, male disguise, never thinks too much about what they’re doing beyond the survival aspect of it, jerry is the one who, erm, “gets into character.” joe’s female name is simply josephine; before they get on the train with the woman musicians, it’s assumed that jerry will be going by “geraldine.” however, when they give their introductions, the duo becomes josephine... and daphne. 

as the movie progresses, this distinction grows more pronounced; when joe has to remind a smitten jerry on the train that he’s a girl, referring to their disguises, jerry miserably repeats the affirmation: “i’m a girl. i’m a girl. i want to die. i’m a girl.” later on, however, as joe’s relationship with sugar develops, “daphne” becomes acquainted with local horndog millionaire osgood, who he at first dislikes, but comes around to after being forced on a date as part of joe’s plan to trick sugar. after seeing jerry excited by the prospect of marrying osgood, a bewildered joe has to remind jerry why it’s an impossibility, and in the same miserable tone as before, jerry/daphne muddles through a new affirmation, one that definitely didn’t ring false to my trans ears: “i’m a boy. i’m a boy. i want to die. i’m a boy.” 

hm. actually, now i’m thinking about a trans male reading of joe. he was the one at first resistant to taking the job (with the all-female band), when they only needed money, and not a place to hide from an upset mob boss, but also the one who seems to know more about the role when it comes time to get into character. while jerrydaphne gets increasingly comfortable with femininity as time passes, joe never performs it in anything but a perfunctory, necessary way, and sloughs the costume EVEN WHEN the danger of being found out has not yet passed, because pretending for such a long period of time is just untenable. something about passing for female being a safe haven and a burden for both closeted (re-closeted, in this case) trans men and out trans women?

anyway. by the end, though both osgood and sugar do find out the truth about the disguises, sugar seems to instantly forgive joe for his treacherousness (again, referring more to his actions as the shell millionaire than his escapade in drag), while osgood appears unbothered by daphne’s truth, leading to an ambiguous ending for the futures of the characters, and any realizations that might come later.

no, it’s not the “real transgender experience.” it (thankfully) never claims to be. BUT, being trans myself, there were some moments that made me feel linked to our protagonists, and relatively few, if any, that made me feel alienated. all in all, that’s a lot more than i hoped for going in, so that’s what i’m happy with.

watch some like it hot, y’all. it’s a good movie in a timeless way, and, as modern movies appealing to short-lived trends that will feel outdated next week (if not by the very time of their release) will show you, that’s more than it needed to be. 

*since my original draft of this post, i DID watch blonde, and i don’t know if that’s technically fair game for this blog (not exactly a movie) or what, but 6/10. fairly well done piece of art but just BEATINGLY tragic, so proceed with caution. jensen ackles literally is THAT PRETTY though, so the jackles cut i give a strong 11/10. i am a homosexual.   **i would like to clarify that this isn’t me telling you not to watch freaky. yes, some of the dialogue is tragically riverdaleian, but there’s also a scene where vince vaugn makes out with a teenage boy. so,

[emblemxeno]

Wait, XANDER was screwed up? Haven't heard that one before...

Oh anon, have a seat, I could make a a research paper on Xander’s character and how it was not translated well at all. (Long post ahead)

Xander, like all of the Nohr siblings, was deeply traumatized by the events during his life, having multiple half siblings and stepmothers murdered and assassinated in a power struggle, the responsibilities of being the crown prince (i.e. doing things that would be morally not that great, but would ultimately benefit his kingdom, and stuff like that), losing his first retainers, etc.

All of this makes Xander in to what he is in the current time: the big scary Crown Prince that almost everyone finds intimidating, who’s willing to make the hard choices if it means a better end for his country and its people, but on the inside is a scarred individual who was basically forced to grow up at an early age because of all the shit that was happening to and around him.

His support with Camilla shows that they had different reactions to their very similar trauma and destructive upbringing, Camilla focuses on giving love to the people who seem to have none, or who are deeply hurt individuals, and this especially extends to her family. Xander focuses on being the decision maker, who puts his emotions in check for the sake of others, the guide.

Except, during that same support you find out Xander knows just as much, if not more, than Camilla about the personal and familial details about their siblings. The “big scary Crown Prince” is somewhat of a front he adopted in order to properly do his duty. 

At his core though, Xander is constantly doing an inner tug of war with himself between being what he and others would consider a good person and being a model Crown Prince. It’s touched on in his Nyx support that fighting wears him down and mentally exhausts him, because he really has no desire to kill; but since he’s the Crown Prince, he has to. I believe in the Japanese support, it’s heavily implied he’s suicidal because of this.

And that actually leads to the main driving force of his character, as well as his death of “Suicide-by-Cop” in Birthright, his ultimate demise; to the bitter end, this internal struggle has impacted his way of thinking, his choices, his personality, his very being. This, of course, affects his younger siblings, and especially the main character, Corrin.

What the localization did to ruin that is by making Xander more (what I and many others like to say) Disney Prince-like. Xander in the English version likes to fight for justice and stands up for what he believes in, he’s a paragon good boy that dispels evil, he even stands up to evil villain Garon.

Except 1) that’s not how Xander was originally written at all and 2) the localization didn’t even change him enough for it to work. What does the latter mean? Most of the good boy paragon Disney Prince is present in his support conversations, while the story more or less handles him the same that the original Japanese script does. This means you have two contrasting portrayals of a character who’s complexity and nuance was founded on an internal struggle between appealing to his feelings and appealing to is duty. This makes Xander in the English version seem like a complete mess, who doesn’t know who he wants to be at any given moment.

You have a Xander that does his duty, a Xander that’s a kind older brother, a Xander that’s introspective about every decision he makes, a Xander that fights for justice no matter what, a Xander that’s scared shitless of his father, a Xander that would drop kick Garon if he looked at him weird. English Xander in Fates has more alts than he does in Heroes.

This really didn’t happen in the Japanese script, like you have Xander with his struggle of humanity vs duty, but even that is all encompassed in what you can process as one person. Like, his Corrin support has him say “I am now able to stand up to father whenever I disagree with him”, but most of his actions in the story don’t support this, he hardly ever directly stands up to Garon, he does things behind his back like the rest of his siblings. Why this discrepancy? Because this line isn’t in the Japanese version. Not even a case of it being translated badly, it just flat out isn’t there. Because it’s just not true, Xander finds his dad scary as hell. And this is one of many examples of how Xander’s personality was altered.

These changes are why the theory “Xander Is Two Different Characters” is so popular and prevalent, because the localization went so hard on altering his supports while doing hardly anything with the story. The theory is wrong, Xander is one character, but due to a shoddy translation and adding stuff that wasn’t there in the first place, his writing doesn’t come off as tragic or nuanced, it comes off as a hot mess.

(Low key the English version also made him more of a dick than what he was in the JP one ironically enough, just compare these. ENG: https://serenesforest.net/wiki/index.php/Fates_Supports/Xander_Elise

JP: https://pastebin.com/H99pkJd1 )

The reason I’m invested in story telling/analysis, proper localization, and fandom drama is because of Fates, and because of how dirty the English version did my favorite character. So yeah, Xander was screwed up by localization big time.

(I have another post in my drafts about Xander and his connection to the story of Fates, as well as other things, I might post that sometime later)

[mirkwoodshewolf]

Graduation surprise; BoRhap cast x reader

*Author’s note*

Hey ya’ll well I promised this fic when I posted the Queen prom fic so here it is. Now I know it’s not as long as the last one is but I felt like this didn’t need to be super long. Also as another special little fact for ya’ll I was gonna make this a Queen fic as well but then I decided to change it to a BoRhap CAST fic since I hadn’t done one of just them in awhile. 

So to all seniors whether HS or college, the class of 2020 CONGRATULATIONS I know it’s not what you hoped it would be but still try to find celebration in this pandemic, you all achieved probably the greatest milestones in your life. So stay safe, stay healthy, stay sane, and be happy :) Lot’s of love from me my darlings!

Taglist:

@waddles03​

@psychosupernatural​

@plethora-of-things​

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels​

@ixchel-9275​

@simonedk​

@queensdivas​

@platawnic​

@queendeakyy​

@geek-and-proud​

@kairosfreddie​

_______________________________________________________________

Goddamn this year! Just when we think the new decade would be worth our wild, now we’ve got all this shit going on! First there was the threat of WW3, then the next month we’re dealing with wildfires in Australia, and finally to top it off why not add a global pandemic?!

The Coronavirus has literally been all over the news for months, and the fact that our government knew about it since late last year and didn’t warn us about it!? Then when they told us to be on lockdown, everyone starts hording toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and food that no one can buy said items for weeks on end.

But of course my main problem is the fact that I, along with so many other kids and adults around the world can’t participate in their own graduation ceremony.  As a college student, I was just longing to finally participate in my final graduation ceremony ever.  This was supposed to be my final chapter in school life and now because of this damn virus, that’s gone.

I mean yeah my diploma will be coming in the mail but I wanted my family to all be there to see me reach the end of my school life before I finally begin a new chapter.  Plus my cousin’s friends said that they would come and see me and I’ve missed seeing those guys, I hadn’t seen them all since the Bohemian Rhapsody premiere.

I sat there in my old room of my house (cause since the University closed down back in March, all students had to leave the college campus and go home so that way we could reduce the spread of the virus. So I ended up moving back in with my parents) just finishing up my final paper for class.

That’s when my Zoom video chat blew up with my cousin’s profile pic.  I grinned and clicked on the answer button and soon enough my cousin’s face took over my screen.

“Hey poppet.”

“Hey Gwil, how you holding up?” he let out a sigh.

“As best as I can. Though I should be asking you that, you are the one really dealing with this whole Coronavirus adjustment than I am. How’d you do on your classes?”

“For those that have said online classes are easier, they’re dirty rotten liars and completely incompetent.” He softly chuckled. “But thankfully I finished my last exam paper and submitted it just now.”

“Your dad look over it for you? Cause I know you’re a terrible editor.”

“Oi not all the time. Just when I’m lazy.” He hummed as he raised his brow at me. “But yes I did have dad review it for me. Cause before we got to submit the rough draft and my professor said I needed more analysis to my quotes on why I quoted that specific source. God I don’t know why I took that class to begin with?”

“Because you’re a criminology nut and you have been since you turned 16. God and I thought my horror movie tastes were bad.”

“Hey it’s good to be aware of shit like that!”

“Language missy!”

“Okay Cap.” I teased.  He gave me his stern look which made me laugh as I fell to my side on the bed. “Oh by the way I saw that little dating app video you did.”

“And what did you think?”

“I liked it. Kinda makes me wish an app like that did exist in real life.”

“You not just pulling my leg on this?”

“No. Honest and swear to god you had me moved by your performance. Well next to you being Brian May of course.” He grinned. “I swear I still can’t get over when I first saw you in the full hair and makeup, I literally almost had a freakin panic attack.”

“And the fact that Brian was also there to witness that.”

“Oh god don’t even go there!” I groaned as I hid my face in embarrassment.

“So—now that you’re all done with school, what’s next for you?”

“Well any plans I had are put on hold till this whole crisis goes away. And I really thought 2020 was gonna be my year. This sucks!”

“I know poppet, I know. But believe me that it’s not just you whose affected by this. Everyone in the whole world is suffering exactly the same way you are.” I sighed solemnly.

“I know. I mean I should be feeling for you and the guys right now, I mean all of you are out of work till further notice. And all the restaurants that I love going to. Did you know that the little ice cream parlor you and I used to go to when we were kids shut down?”

“No!”

“Yeah, the owner couldn’t keep up the payments because hardly anyone was ordering from them anymore, even with online delivery. So she closed it down.”

“Damn, that sucks. I really loved going to that place with you. That was always our special little time together without the grownups around.” I nodded remembering all the fun times we had together in that little shop.

It was then someone suddenly popped into our conversation.  The extra person now on my screen was none other than Joe Mazzello.

“Hey Gwil, mini-Lee!”

“Hello Joe.” Answered Gwil.

“Hey Joe been a long time.”

“How you two holding up?” he asked us.

“As best as we can, how about you? I’ve seen those Youtube videos you’ve been doing on your page.” Gwil said.

“You know those were jokes, especially that last one. I just wanted to get a laugh out of everyone, or have them hate me.”

“No one could hate you Joey.” I said with a smile.

“Aww thanks mini-Lee. How’s classes been?” I let out a groan as I once again flopped on my bed which made Joe laugh.

“I am just thankful that this is all over. At first I thought online classes would be easy but one of my professors was technology challenged. Another one would sometimes forget to do a lesson, and then of course blackboard could barely operate long enough for me to submit an assignment which caused some of them to be late.”

“Well like you said it’s over now.” Joe assured me.

“Oh hey I saw that Jurassic Park livestream you did.”

“Oh did you? How come I didn’t see you submit a question or just say hello? I’ve seen your Youtube page so I know your username by heart.”

“Cause I may or may not have also been working on a project. But chose the livestream over the project.”

“Nice going Joe, you’ve turned my cousin into a procrastinator.” Gwil complained.

“Hey at least she has Jurassic Park unlike you Gwilym Lee! Serious shame on you for not owning it! This is why mini-Lee is the coolest out of the two of you.” I snarked out a mock laugh as I stuck my tongue out.

“Ganging up against me okay I see how it is you two.”

“Oh come now cousin dear, we’re just messing around.”

“Messing around? If we’re messing with Gwil then I want a part of it.” Soon another picture came up and there lying on his side was Ben Hardy.

“Benjamin!” Joe screamed joyously.

“Hi Ben.” I sung out.

“Hey (y/n).” he waved at me with a wink. “Now going back to teasing Gwilym.”

“You guys are officially gonna be blocked right after this.” My cousin groaned.  We all laughed when I told him.

“Again cousin, we’re teasing you. So Ben, what brings you here?”

“What can’t I pop in and say hello?” I giggled.

“I see nothing wrong with it. Oh hey get this; I finally got around to watching 6 Underground.”

“And what did you think of it?”

“The first 10 minutes were insane! And truthfully I never really understood Michael Bay films, but this one—definitely my favorite. I loved it Ben, really.”

“Well thank you (n/n). Thank you.”

“Never did I think I needed to see both you and Ryan Reynolds on screen together….”

“Whoa okay easy there (n/n)!” Joe interrupted me.

“Oi you get your mind out of the gutters! And you say it’s the fans that make what you say to the extreme.” I scowled him.

“Trust me, I’ve known him for over 10 years and he still doesn’t grow up.” Another voice stated and soon two more familiar faces popped up on screen, stuck in quarantine together in LA were Rami and Lucy. And then a split second later another face came on the screen, it was none other than Alan Leech.

“Hey, Rami, Lu-lu, Alan!” I cheered.

“Hey (y/n)!” the three of them said as they waved.

“God I feel like I’m getting spoiled, got the entire BoRhap family together for the first time in like—forever.”

“It’s crazy.” Alan said.

“Definitely.” Agreed Rami.

“Maybe when this whole thing blows over we should all get together some time in New York.” Offered Joe.

“I’m down with it.” Ben said.

“Me too.” Lucy agreed with a nod.

“Yeah, (n/n), Ben and I could fly out together.” Said Gwil.

“I’m down with that. Now that I’m done with school, I can do what I want now.”

“So guys now that we’re all here shall we begin?” Lucy said.

“Begin what? Gwil what’s going on?” I asked.

“Well (n/n), when this whole quarantine shutdown and school cancellations started affecting the class of 2020 we all felt bad that you couldn’t graduate the way you hoped you would.” Gwil said before Joe continued.

“So Gwil called all of us up via the Whatsapp chat, as well as our daily zoom calls. To gather us all together on your ‘last day’ of college.”

“To celebrate your own Virtual college graduation party!” Rami cheered.  At that point everyone either threw confetti, blew on graduation blowers, or holding up signs that said CONGRATS 2020 GRADUATE!!!

I covered my mouth with my hands speechless and tried to hold back the tears.

“Ohh you guys.”

“Since you couldn’t have a college graduation party, we figure we’d bring the party to you. See not even this pandemic can stop us from celebrating our Mini-Lee’s ultimate milestone.” Ben said as he set down his congrats sign.

“And also expect some gifts within the next few weeks, depending on how the mailing services do with overseas gifts.” Alan said.

“Aww thanks you guys, you didn’t have to.”

“We know, but we wanted to. Let us spoil you even through this pandemic.” Said Joe.

“Thanks guys, this—really means a lot to me.” I wiped a hidden tear that strayed down the corner of my eye.  They all awed at me that’s when Gwil lifted up a small graduation cake.

“I know, I know this’ll be ridiculous but just humor me will yah?” I smiled and nodded.  He lit up the 2020 candles and held it just high enough for me to see the top part of the candles.

“CONGRATS (Y/N) LEE! CLASS OF 2020!!!” everyone proclaimed at once which made me smile and I blew out towards the screen.  Gwil then blew out the candles for me as everyone else cheered and clapped.

“Thanks so much you guys. Really, you have no idea how much this means to me.”

“We’re happy to do it (y/n). If it makes your day a little bit brighter in these dark times.” Rami said.

“It did Rami, it really did.”

“Well hope we can make this even better cause I’ve also got a part 2 to this little surprise. But in order for that to happen, everyone else has got to go otherwise you won’t really be able to see it as clearly.” Gwil said.

“Aww man.” I whined.

“No worries mini-Lee, your cousin added you to our BoRhap Whatsapp chat and I’ll send you a link to our zoom channel if you ever wanna chat with us again.” Joe said with a wink.

“Thanks Joe. And thanks everyone take care and stay safe.” They all waved and bid me goodbye with waves or blowing kisses at me and one by one they signed off till it was once again just Gwil and I.

All I could see across his bearded face was that cheeky grin he does whenever he’s trying to hide something.

“What are you grinning about?”

“Just the fact that I’ll be the best cousin once you see part 2 of your special surprise.”

“What did you do?”

“If I told you it won’t be a surprise now would it? Now let’s see, god I hope they get it.” He muttered the last part to himself. It took a few minutes till finally another screen popped up and standing there in his room was Adam Lambert.  I fangirled in my seat and covered my mouth trying to contain my squeals.

“Hey girlfriend!” he greeted with a wave.

“Adam oh my god!”

“How’s it going?”

“It’s been going. Finally submitted my last paper. So I’m officially done with school forever.”

“Yaas Queen!” he snapped. “So how’s it feel to be a college graduate?”

“Well it’d be better if we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic.”

“Understandable, but hey you’ve worked hard for this so be proud of yourself no matter what’s going on in the world right now.” I nodded with a shrug. “And to celebrate your graduation, your cousin whipped up another little surprise for you.”

“Oh my god Gwil you didn’t!” I gasped.  He merely raised a brow at me cheekily as he bit his lip back from a smile.

“Hey guys you there?!” Adam called out and soon enough two more screens came on and the picture revealed to be both Brian May and Roger Taylor.  Brian sitting on his couch while Roger looked to be in his basement with his drumkit.

At this point, I had lost my shit.  I was fangirling to the max at this rate but tried to calm down.

“Hi (y/n), congratulations of graduating.” Brian greeted me.

“Major achievement there love. Congrats.” Roger added.

“Oh my god…..Gwil this is—how……”

“I knew you’d love it (n/n). Plus I knew this would cheer you up after our last conversation we had last week. You really needed some cheering up.”

“So guys are we ready to do this?” asked Adam.

“I’m ready to go if you both are.” Said Brian as he took his Red Special and set it on his lap and Roger twirled his drumstick.

“(Y/n), this is for you love. Hopefully when this whole mess is over, you can finally go out there and reach your dream job. Till then we hope you enjoy this.” Roger said.

It was then both Roger and Brian began playing the tune for ‘we are the champions’ but as Adam began singing the song, it turns out that they were actually singing their new song, ‘You are the champions’ dedicated to the first responders worldwide.

But now they were playing it in my honor as a college graduate.  As they continued to play the song, I allowed the tears to flow down my face as I laced my hand over my heart.

God—never did I think that through this pandemic would I be happy.  From having to never see any of my friends I made in college again, to not having my whole family come to the house to celebrate, or going out to party with some of my friends.  But this—right here and now, my cousin made it all up to me all the way from London.

At this point, I knew that I was officially the luckiest person in the world.  All thanks to my favorite cousin, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.