#anyway i have thoughts and this already feels very long so more of the “factual” (lol) stuff in the post and brainrot in the tags

[maaxverstappen]

Mandy… we must discuss max/oscar… what is the lore… what are the notes…. Im clocked in ma’am im ready to be deluded — wiz

ok so i called myself the unofficial head of this ship (lol) but actually looking through the tumblr tag i must denounce myself and crown @nyoomfruits instead bc she has been on it from day 1

max and oscar are just so similar i think they get each other!! they're both very down to earth and very focussed on the job. both of them hailed as extraordinary in lower formulas and quickly making their way up (ofc max's was very quick and oscar had his year out, but still all things considered). i feel like a lot of it is max being surprised about oscar, i dont think he expected that deadpan energy/serious but enjoying it/quick wit from him and now hes like oh i see, i get it. maybe also helps how much lando gets along with oscar and max obvs likes lando. trusts his opinion.

max praising oscar when he hardly ever praises anyone like this

oscar looking up at max with awe and eagerness (its a still from a video but let me have this)

this tho!!! max never sits on the floor but sees oscar doing it so joins him?! for no reason?! lando was in the chair it wouldve been so easy to sit next to him (as he then does later) "thank you mercedes" and then max's fond laugh and almost surprise. surprise that oscar can be witty like that!! max didnt expect it oscar turning around to watch the screen and being too late. max laughing at him, checking to see if lando is laughing too. if it isnt weird that max is laughing at oscar's joke/misfortune. max then doubling down and voicing what happened as if they didnt all just witness it right there.

like i said on the oscar discord too, i think oscar would indulge max's maxplaining!! he enables it and is like "Huh, I never thought about it like that. Have you considered that [x]" and then suddenly its 11pm and everyone else has left the paddock before they even look up from their convo

and

they would absolutely bicker over Everything but neither would really perceive it as bickering. thats just how they are

also they both have cat energy so

[neilissevered]

ˋ°•*⁀➷ FROSTBITTEN, BY YOU!

“Your hands are cold”…“Then warm them.“ In which a silly tease turns into an affectionate gesture. Weak Hero Class 1 x GN! Reader (Seperate) Friends to "Something More" trope Characters included: Yeon Si-eun , Ahn Su-ho Wc: 1k+

An: the header makes it look like shse 😝😝😝 reqs are open! (Just no dark stuff pls) Might just take me a while to get to them bcs I’m reviewing for uni 🙂‍↔️ btw I also added more spaces i between the text. Idk if it makes it more readable since I like to use the smaller text size but lmk if you guys prefer the other one!

⤷ YEON SI-EUN

Let’s be real, he’d probably be perplexed at first. A million theories running in his smart brain (how to effectively warm a cold hand…with a cold hand)

He’s honestly like WikiHow…sometimes.

But jokes aside, Si-eun is a very guarded person who is trapped in his own emotional space.

He’s cold and distant and a little out of touch with reality (he has his little world basically.)

Si-eun only lets his friends stay “close enough” beside this huge wall, and it’s his defense mechanism to protect himself from getting hurt 

But there will be an exception for you. A little crack in that wall. Maybe.🙂‍↕️

It’s cold. The kind of cold that bites your fingertips and turns your breath to mist. It’s almost winter in Korea, so you wouldn’t be surprised if it starts snowing, which is why you already have a thick puffer jacket on to protect you from the onslaught of the cold. 

Yeon Si-eun seemed to share the same idea but appeared completely nonchalant, except for the faint flush of his ears and nose as the cold air bit at his face. He looked ethereal in how calm and composed he remained, as if the cold didn’t touch him at all.

You, on the other hand, felt like one more gust of icy wind might snap your bones clean in half. Frostbite, then shatter, then crumble into snow dust. That’s how it felt. But still, you didn’t complain. Not out loud, anyway

You never do, especially not around Si-eun.

Not because you’re afraid of his quiet indifference or the walls he puts up. 

It’s just… You want to protect this.

The peace.

The soft, quiet moments you and he share, like this one.

You walk beside Si-eun quietly, your backpack slung over your shoulders. The sun is already sinking, dipping behind the buildings like it’s retreating early for the day. The silence between you is familiar. Comfortable.

But ‘quiet’ is probably an understatement. You’re doing your best to quell the chattering of your teeth while you clench and unclench your jaw like an idiot because it would be embarrassing if Si-eun notices and suddenly points it out.

And..he does notice it.

The way your shoulders are just a little hunched.

The way you tuck your hands into your sleeves.

The way you blow on your fingers when you think he’s not looking.

And yes, your teeth chattering too. 

“Your hands are cold,” he says suddenly, breaking the silence. It’s the first thing he points out—even he isn't sure why either. 

You glance over, a little surprised…maybe mortified too, because you just jinxed yourself. Has he been looking? The thought of it made you flush even more at his factual statement. You weren’t even sure how to respond.

So you played it off with some light teasing. 

You smile a little and shrug. “Then warm them.”

You expect him to ignore it, like he usually does, or deadpan at you, unamused with your antics. But he stops walking suddenly.

You turn, your own feet stuttering as he’s suddenly two steps behind you. “Si-eun?”

He looks… hesitant. Like he’s overthinking something that shouldn’t need this much calculation. You were about to tell him it was just a joke, but then, after a beat too long, he slowly reached out.

Your breath catches.

His fingers, stiff at first…brush yours.

Then he takes your hand fully, slipping his fingers between yours, palm to palm.

If you were flushed before, now you're beet red. 

You feel how cold his hands are, too. But neither of you says anything. 

The moment shifted, enveloping you in a sense of intimacy and connection. Your gaze drifted downward to where your hands intertwined, feeling the warmth of his touch replace the cold air around you. As you gently squeezed his hand, a new gesture that changed the reality of ‘this’ shared moment, anchoring you both in its authenticity.

He doesn’t meet your eyes, just stares ahead with his usual indifference. But you can see how his ears, nose, and cheeks slightly reddened. 

“You said to warm them,” he mumbles.

You squeeze his hand again gently, heart thudding louder than your shoes on the pavement. “Yeah,” you whisper. “Thanks.”

You don’t speak the rest of the walk home. But he doesn’t let go either.

Later that night, he texted Su-ho

Si-eun: “They looked cold, it was just logical”

Su-ho: “ “Just logical”??? u gonna propose next or run a weather report?😹”

Si-eun: “blocked.”

⤷ AHN SU-HO

This guy's confident… Ridiculously so that he’s kinda impulsive at times.

He’s not afraid to tease, push buttons, or take the lead.

But I believe he’s emotionally reactive and perceptive. He just masks it with charisma or action yk.

He will play along. Challenge you back…until it all becomes very real. Fast.

You’re walking side by side, the shortcut between blocks quieter than usual. It’s getting late, and it's mostly because Su-ho decided to drag you out of your home for a very adventurous trip…to the convenience store. You weren’t complaining, though. You got free, hot ramyeon, and you got to spend some time with your…best friend.

Yeah. 

But the cold has crept in hard. Your fingers sting a little from being out too long and without gloves because of the impromptu hangout, and so you keep flexing them inside your sleeves, hoping that your body warmth will be enough for your fingers not to fall off.

Su-ho glances over.

“Your hands are cold” he says, voice casual, like he’s just pointing out the weather.

You raise an eyebrow, rolling your eyes a bit while a little smile tugged at your lips at the sudden observation, “Oh, thanks. Totally didn’t notice.” 

He smirks. “Hey, just saying. I’ve got an eye for details.”

You snort. “Okay…Then warm them.”

It was intended as a light-hearted teasing, a fleeting comment that would slip effortlessly into the air between you as you transitioned to a new subject. Yet, in that instant, Su-ho halted his steps, his demeanor shifting.

 You suddenly understood that your playful banter had morphed into a challenge, one that left no room for retreat. What seemed like mere humor now possessed layers of profound significance, and you found yourself fumbling with its..double meanings far too late.

You blink. “Wait, I didn’t mean—”

He’s turned toward you, one brow lifted, a flash of challenge in his expression. The corners of his mouth were slowly morphing into a grin because you just gave him a very dangerous idea. “What? You think I won’t?” he says, cocky grin in place, but there’s a real flicker of heat behind it.

“Say less.”

Then, without giving you time to overthink it, he reaches out and takes your hand in his.

His palm is warm. Solid. Confident, like everything else he does. But his grip isn’t teasing. It’s steady, focused, and…real.

The air between you changes — shifts from playful to something charged. He looks at your joined hands for a second, then back at you. His grin suddenly softened as he looked at you with so much sincerity.

“Better?” he asks.

You nod, surprised by how warm your chest feels, too.

“Yeah,” you say softly. “Actually… yeah.”

Su-ho doesn’t let go of your hand. Not after he’s sure you want this too. If anything, his grip tightens, more certain now, like he's claiming something he's longed for. He doesn’t even try to hide it. Instead, he keeps walking, dragging you with him like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“Told you,” he says, smirking again. But quieter now. “I’ve got a good eye for details.”

You don’t reply. You just hold on.

Because for once, he isn’t talking like he’s trying to impress anyone. He’s just there…With you. Hand in hand.

Later, you and Su-ho passed by Si-eun

Si-eun stared at both of you, then at your joined hands

“Didn’t know hypothermia made people flirt.”

Su-ho smirks. “Didn’t know you cared,” as he brought your hand closer to his lips to blow warm air into them

You’re pretty sure your face is warmer than your hands now.

Wooo tysm for reading until the end🙂‍↕️ just thought of the prompt suddenly bcs it’s been pretty cold here in my country😭😭

Dividers by: @cursed-carmine

[captain-space-kin]

Hey, this is an ask (from a fellow Kai fan) about your recent post about Kai’s mischaracterization in the fandom. That opening sounded like I’m about to disagree, my bad, idk how else to open.

But yeah, I’m kind of frustrated too. I really love Kai & Wyldfyre’s dynamic and do personally see them as some sorta familial dynamic, but not specifically father & daughter, if that makes sense. Just didn’t get that specific vibe from them and was a little surprised to see that when I started interacting with DR on tumblr. I just sorta went with it.

I’ve also noticed people acting like he never did anything wrong or claiming he was in the right early on in the show. Which is just something I personally find very frustrating because his flaws are one of the main reasons I find him compelling. He screws up, he can be a jerk, let him have flaws.

Also I wanna die a bit every time I see people act like he hates Jay or is overprotective of Nya and doesn’t approve of Jaya. He’s really not overbearing of his sister’s love life, and thank goodness for that. In season 1 with the SamX stuff he has to learn that she can manage herself, but that was more combat based than anything else. He literally says something along the lines of thinking he needed to protect her and admitting he was in the wrong for underestimating her. But again, that’s not over her love life. And it saddens me that the same thing is getting pushed to Wyldfyre/Roby. I just sincerely believe that he would never be overbearing over something like that. He makes mistakes sure, but I don’t think that’s one of em. And the people who say that act like it’s a good thing for him to do anyways.

anyways. Sorry for long ask. Just wanted to share thoughts on it. Thx for making the post

(Sorry if u don’t want these sorta asks)

Don’t worry dear anon I am a-okay with getting sent asks like this! I like chattin with people about fandom stuff. Especially in relation to topics I feel strongly about (i.e characterization of the faves). This ended up being kinda long so I'll put the rest of this under a read more. Complaining about fanon Kai ahead o7

That post seems to have really struck a cord with people, so I’m glad I’m not along in my frustrations with how a lot of people treat Kai as a character. I feel this way about all of the ninja to some degree, but they’d need their own separate posts.

Kai & WyldFyre are written with a family dynamic in mind I think, but that dynamic is definitely not a father daughter thing like you said. WyFy seems to already interpret family to be more nebulous in concept, or at least not something that is rigid in structure or label heavy like it is for other people. While I did say that HeatWave was her dad, I don’t think she’d necessarily think of it in that way specifically, just that he is her family. And the same goes for Kai. If I had to put a label on them it’d be something like a sibling/cousin whose significantly older then you but whom you still jive with, or like your favorite kooky uncle.

I also find it incredibly frustrating when people assign like cookie cutter overprotective older brother/dad to Kai. Especially in relation to Nya and WyFy’s relationships. I think it stems from the fact that a lot people think that Kai raised Nya. Which is just factually untrue, he was not old enough to raise Nya, their age difference isn’t big enough for that. In my opinion, they looked out for each other growing up in a mutual way. Like you said in canon itself he’s not really shown to be too involved with Nya’s relationships, and only really has overprotective moments when it comes to SamX. The only time I can think of where he gets mad at Jay for pursuing Nya romantically is in the pilots. When Jay hears that the sister of this guy he just met got kidnapped, and instead of like offering his condolences he asks if she’s hot. Which is a fair thing to get mad at I think. But like y’all Kai helps Jay propose to Nya, I think he’s fine with their relationship.

Same thing extends to Wyldfyre/Roby. I definitely think he’d tease them about it, older sibling traditions and all that, but he isn’t overbearing. This is mostly unrelated, but in my lil oppositeshipping brain I had a thought awhile back of like, Kai seeing how Wyfy behaves around Roby. Recognizing it as being extremely similar to how he’s reacted to having feelings for people in the past, and then being like “Uh-Oh”. And at some point he’s talking with Roby and just gets very serious all of sudden and goes “Hey man, never ever die.” and then moves on like that’s a normal thing to say. And I think Apollo hit me with his dodge-ball on that one, but THAT is neither here nor there.

And oh my god YES part of his appeal is that he’s a jerk. Dude full ass didn’t tell Jay that Nya had a perfume allergy because he thought it would be funny, there is something deeply wrong with him. I don’t think he’d do that now, but like he did do that. Kai can be kind of a snarky jackass at times, and that’s part of the appeal for me. I like my character’s with good and bad traits because that’s how you write good fucking characters.

I have a lot of Kai thoughts but it’s pretty late for me so I’m having trouble putting them into words ahgssfdsgd but like yeah idk no one gets him and it SUCKS

[spell-bloom]

What is considered both a reasonable and maximum polycount for custom content hair and other types of custom content in The Sims 2 and does it depend on gaming specs? Also your work is great!

Thank you for taking the time to read it.

I, personally, use hair that is under 25K polys unless it's unique and cute. Anything over that is overboard and should get decimated. Any furniture or clothing over 10K is extreme for me.

As for specs, I'm inclined to believe that it's a game limitation, how powerful your computer specs are, and a secret third and fourth thing, your OS, and if you're a laptop user.

This OS talk is a side tangent, so bear with me:

Big disclaimer that this is all my opinion, not a factual piece. Don't take this as gospel and I'm far from an expert on operating softwares, computers, and CC for that matter. I went a little bit insane with the OS talk because you mentioned specs and this has been on my mind for a while 🥴

Every single time I've heard that someone installed TS2 on Linux, they are able to play on maximum settings with a BUNCH of CC for a long time and experience no pink soup or pink soup related crashing. I want to do my own research and play the same heavily detailed lot for the same amount of time on Windows and Linux and compare the differences as well as compare how they use resources differently. If I already did not have an attachment to Photoshop CC 2017, I would have made the switch by now.

Okay so Windows... I've played TS2 on my Asus laptop from 2020 and on my new desktop. Here's the spec difference

Laptop: Intel Core i7-9750H 6 Core Processor, 8 GB RAM, NVIDIA GeForce GTX 1650 (Windows 10)

Desktop: AMD Ryzen 5 2600X Six-Core Processor, 16 GB RAM, NVIDIA GeForce GTX 1080 Ti (Windows 11)

My laptop was really good for it's time (I bought it in March 2020), but it was pink soup galore for any cluttered CC lot, even with all of the fixes and GRM edits. My current setup is a mish mosh of my bf's and ex's computer parts and it runs perfectly fine, but I do not play long enough to encounter pink soup. (I have a job and I mainly play to get CC previews these days.) If you noticed, both my CPU and GPU were made before my laptop was sold, and yet it still performs way better. Laptops with top of the line hardware will never be more powerful than PCs with even mid to high level hardware from 5 years ago. Don't forget that laptops will throttle performance to protect itself from overheating and causing damage.

There is also no difference between installing and playing the game on Windows 10 and Windows 11, except that you should absolutely uninstall OneDrive if you haven't already. There might be some issue if you install with discs, but I don't own the discs.

And as for Mac, I truly believe that Mac is the worst way to experience Sims 2. Between the Super Collection crap, not being able to use third party tools (SimPE, Hair Binner, any other .exe files made to run for Windows), and the file limit that really hits you hard if you download a bunch of CC that you can't merge anyway because CCMerger can't run on Mac. I should say I have never played Sims 2 on a Mac, but this is my opinion after reading about the struggles of other MacOS users online.

The point of this OS tangent? None, really. I'm not trying to persuade you to use Linux or stop using Mac, this is simply what I've noticed and my opinions on the matter. There's millions of variables I did not cover such as DXVK, texture sizes, difference in specs between each OS and user and many other things I am forgetting.

Feel free to correct, add on, extrapolate or whatever. If you have any thoughts, please comment, add it in reblogs, or tag me in your post. I'm very interested in the current topics about high polys, pink soup and big textures for this game.

[coffee-without-anesthetics]

nebulous thoughts about him experiencing physical hurt beyond just things breaking down or bending or scratching. what would his first time bleeding look like ? already killing the mad donkey provoked a reaction , but that was someone else 's blood . what about it being his own ? getting slashed by the sharp blade of one of those police puppets and experiencing a flash of white before his eyes from pain , then feeling as something leaves him , an internal part exposed .

^ and when does the ergo and oil in his veins become blood ? does it ever ? what parts of him stay like the puppet he was built no matter what , and what parts become more organic , more human-like ? when does it happen ; with sophia in the tower ? that 'd be fitting - get ergo from a living person ( your own doesn 't count , he 's been dead for who knows how long ) and gain your very own human innards in one swift moment .

on another train of thought , what does a filled up disruption meter feel like i wonder . his heart exploding into literal crystals , piercing it from all sides from the inside , a world of agony before sophia turns the clock back . what does that feel like , to someone who doesn 't have years of experience with pain and all the tolerance that comes from it - who has never so much as bruised before , to suddenly have the capability for it , and immediately jump into death ?

and what if he was built with the capacity to feel pain from the start ? what would that say about geppetto , who sends him all over the place , each location and each part of krat more dangerous than the last ? a death sentence is what each of those expeditions are .

that flash of world-consuming agony before phantom pain takes over as the world 's very clock is wound back ? clutching a stargazer because just a minute ago he factually died ? the thought is exquisite ( to me anyways )

[project-do-over]

Violet_M00n is available

Violet_M00n: Heyyy sorry for the delay! Got caught up with work stuff...

Bookwyrm1982: literally no time has passed.

Violet_M00n: Right. Right. Habit, I guess.

Violet_M00n: Anyway, what else did you want to know about the future?

Bookwyrm1982: Well you said you had AI, right?

Violet_M00n: Well... Yes and no. We have programs people *call* "AI", but they're really just advanced machine learning. They can't actually think or anything, but they can put together a surprisingly human sounding sentence, and draw things that could at first be mistaken for art.

Violet_M00n: But of course it's awful. The results are full of factual errors or have way, way too many fingers, companies are trying to use it to replace creatives, and it burns a ton of energy doing essential nothing of value.

Violet_M00n: So could you go on ChatGPT and talk to a convincing facsimile of a human but underneath it's just a more advanced version of Dr. SBAITSO.

Bookwyrm1982: that's a shame. But then again at least you don't have to worry about them taking over the world, right?

Violet_M00n: Luna, at this point I'd welcome our robot overlords. Better than the fucks we have running things these days.

Bookwyrm1982: Are things that bad?

Violet_M00n: *sighs* no, I suppose not. I still have a job, a family, I can exist in public without fearing persecution, and I'm mostly free to do as I please.

Violet_M00n: But trust me when I say the people who very much want to take that away have much more power than feels comfortable.

Bookwyrm1982: that sounds scary though.

Violet_M00n: More enraging than scary, really. Just so many people who can't or don't want to see things from anyone's point of view from their own.

Violet_M00n: Well, that, and capitalism.

Bookwyrm1982: I thought capitalism was good though?

Violet_M00n: *sigh* we have so much to learn.

Violet_M00n: Honestly though, and you should be able to find these online if not in the library, but read some Marx.

Violet_M00n: It may not resonate a lot yet, but it will.

Bookwyrm1982: I always thought that Communism was a good idea in theory but it needed a global revolution to actually work.

Violet_M00n: You may be on to something there. And someday, hopefully in our lifetime, we may get there. But it's a long, long road. Especially here in America, where it's been used as a boogeyman for like 80 years now.

Violet_M00n: (55 for you)

Bookwyrm1982: Wow, that's.... I'm not sure I want to grow up now.

Violet_M00n: Well maybe your timeline will invent actual time travel and you can keep that wish. Luna knows I wish I could.

Bookwyrm1982: so

Bookwyrm1982: um

Bookwyrm1982: Can we talk about something more fun? Like, what's something good in your time?

Violet_M00n: Well Magic the Gathering is still pretty good.

Bookwyrm1982: We're still playing? I kinda lost interest and stopped following it a year or two ago.

Violet_M00n: Oh yeah, we're still playing, and the game is... Well, it's way different from your time but also at its heart the same.

Violet_M00n: Like it's still Magic but also there's D&D and cowboys and Gandalf, for some reason. It's cool but it's also kinda scary how much they're pumping out.

Bookwyrm1982: Oh that sounds cool! Is it just D&D and LOTR?

Violet_M00n: They've done a ton of crossovers, they call them "Universes Beyond". They've done, let's see...

Violet_M00n: Dr. Who, Warhammer, Assassin's Creed, Final Fantasy, they're doing Marvel soon, Transformers (those are Hasbro though so they were among the first), The Walking Dead, Fortnite, Stranger Things (you... Don't know about those yet, don't worry), um, lots more stuff too that I'm forgetting, but those are mostly in like five or ten card bundles.

Violet_M00n: Unlike LotR which was a full set, with boosters and everything. And the best selling set of Magic in all time, unless Bloomburrow has passed that already.

Bookwyrm1982: Really cool! You'll have to send me some pictures sometime!

Violet_M00n: I'll be sure to downscale them appropriately this time!

Bookwyrm1982: What else do we like? Is Star Trek still running?

Violet_M00n: It had a long break there where it seemed we weren't going to get any more Star Trek.

Violet_M00n: But then JJ Abrams (a director/producer of some renown) made a Star Trek movie that was meh, but good enough to get people interest in the franchise again.

Violet_M00n: Soon after that Paramount spun up Star Trek Discovery, which had a rocky start but Grew The Beard soon enough for them to greenlight Star Trek Picard. Then Lower Decks, Strange New Worlds, Academy, and probably one or two others I'm forgetting (not to forget Short Treks and Very Short Treks).

Violet_M00n: Prodigy! I forgot Prodigy!

Bookwyrm1982: The online service?

Violet_M00n: No, Star Trek Prodigy. It's a CG animated series for kids made by Nickelodeon.

Bookwyrm1982: You're making that up.

Violet_M00n: I swear, it's true. Lower Decks is animated too, but 2D, and it's for adults and probably the best thing Star Trek has ever created. It's hilarious!

Violet_M00n: SNW follows Captain Pike on the 1701

Bookwyrm1982: And Discovery?

Violet_M00n: Complicated! It starts out pre-TOS but... Spoilers! And Picard is... Also here!

Bookwyrm1982: Is that about young Picard or something?

Violet_M00n: Old Picard, but close.

Bookwyrm1982: Hey my mom... our mom... just told me to get off the computer so

Bookwyrm1982: ttys!

Violet_M00n: See you in literally no time at all!

Bookwyrm1982 is away

[thequeenpapaya]

My first Hazbin fic I suppose. Trigger warning for ED content, don’t read if it could be triggering <3 take care of yourself babes. Very important!

(Fic below the cut)

“Are you really eating all that?”

“You’ll get fat, I’m surprised you’re not already.”

He usually just tells people to fuck off, or laughs about it. It irks him that stupid comments from nobodies even stick to him, that they matter to him. They shouldn’t.

He’s above that.

At least, Adam likes to think he is.

He used to be. Before it started to really sink in, he supposed. Before phones started becoming a thing in heaven. But he’s still above it, right?

He’s the first man. If anything, other people should be looking to HIM for the ideal. Not the other way around.

So he doesn’t really know why he spends his time worrying. Why he grits his teeth and scrolls through social media posts about ways to look better. Be better.

Portion control. Exercise. Counting calories. Don’t eat too much. Eat the right things.

But that’s the problem. Adam feels like he can’t. He would never admit it, but he doesn’t want to exercise beyond what he already does. He’s lazy. He doesn’t want to count calories and eat only healthy things.

It just tastes too good. His guilty pleasures. The grease of it, the feeling of the food on his tastebuds. It makes him happy, in the moment at least. Even if the aftermath isn’t as serotonin filled as the act of eating itself gives.

But he found a workaround, a way to have the best of both worlds… a way to get an even better feeling of euphoria. One that makes the enjoyment of food seem like just the buildup for the real drug. So euphoric as he revels in the feeling he gets of emptiness and control.

And yet it’s so… dirty. Like a secret you keep from everyone out of fear they’d find you disgusting. The thought of anyone knowing how he keeps in shape fills him with a deep sense of dread.

But it’s not wrong. He’s not doing anything bad. Angels are supposed to be perfect, in all ways. If he has to shove his fingers down his throat to stay slim, what’s the harm? It’s not hurting him.

Not physically.

And just because he thinks about food a lot, what to eat, and how to purge, when to purge, if he got it all up… well—that doesn’t mean it’s affecting him mentally either! He’s just dedicated to the craft.

He’s fine. Obviously. It’s just everyone else that would act weird about it. It’s a them problem.

“Sir, are you okay?” Lute’s voice pierces through the brain fog. Adam didn’t even realize he was spacing out before her eyes narrow at him… in, concern? No, maybe just annoyance.

“Uhhh… yeah? Why the fuck wouldn’t I be?” Adam grins at her like it was a dumb question to even ask. Because it was.

“You’ve been quiet for the past five minutes.” Her voice is even and factual. Arms folded behind her back, same still pose.

“And that’s not allowed? Jesus, can’t do anything these days.”

“It’s just not like you. You usually talk more.”

Yeah, he knows that. It wasn’t like he meant to space out. He was just… thinking. Adam grips his wrist, subconsciously wrapping his fingers around it. Not that it told him much—he had long fingers. But it soothed him to be able to wrap them around anyway, all the way. With space to spare too.

“What, you just wanted to hear my awesome voice? You can just say that instead of acting all—eughh… worried?” Adam sticks his tongue out in disgust. “Sooo not like you, freaks me the fuck out. Don’t. It’s cringe.”

Lute groans, rolling her eyes at him. Clearly whatever concern she might have had evaporated when he went back to acting normal again. Which was good. He didn’t need it.

He was so in the clear.

“… have you lost weight?”

Or not. What the f—

“What? No? Why?” Adam replies, extremely quickly too. A nervous laugh leaving him as he realizes how absolutely guilty he sounds. It was just a question, chill out. It was a good thing too, so why the reaction?

“Err… I mean, yeah I have. Just a little bit, I guess. Why are you even asking?”

“Because you look thinner, that’s why I asked.” Lute really never takes any shit, does she? Always straight to the point… Adam did like that about her.

“Thanks. I work for this body, you know?~” Adam raises an eyebrow as he smirks at her. He felt a little more happy, more confident. Nobody really commented on his body, well, outside sex.

“It wasn’t meant as a compliment.”

That cut his mood instantly. His smile dropped off his face as if it had never even been there at all.

“Excuse you? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He didn’t intend for his response to sound so defensive and angry. It just came out like that, and he couldn’t calm down. He wasn’t even registering that he should try to cool down.

Lute notices the shift, of course. Her eyes narrowing further at him, like she’s analyzing him. His behavior. Adam feels uncomfortable, which only fuels the defensiveness.

“I mean that you’ve been getting thinner for a while, I just didn’t see a point in bringing it up before now.” Hearing her say that frustrated Adam more. What did she mean she’d noticed? And hadn’t even complimented him at all!? Honestly, rude if you ask him.

“And why would you bring it up now then?” He asks, glaring a little.

“Because you’re starting to look unhealthy.” Her gaze is now very accusatory. Like she’s expecting him to give some sort of explanation.

“I’m sorry, unhealthy? Me? Don’t even—I’m hot as fuck! I’m peak fucking performance right here!” Adam laughs, it’s a little forced. Sounding more like he can’t believe this conversation is even being had.

“I’m not fucking unhealthy. I look great, the best I ever have as a matter of fact. How would you know what the fuck I look like anyway? My outfit is loose.” Now he’s the one narrowing his eyes at her. He knew she was perceptive, but he didn’t think anyone could really… see his body.

“I can just tell. What does it matter how?” Lute scowls, already getting fed up with him.

“It matters because it’s a fucking lie.” Adam didn’t think he looked bad. If anything he was happier with how he looked now then what he did before.

Lute scoffs, and stays quiet for a few seconds. Thinking to herself. Then she gets this look, like she just put something together. The expression on her face says it all about how she feels.

“You know it’s a sin to—“ Lute starts to speak, her tone cold, and Adam already knows what she’s going to say. Because she’s mentioned it before. That she thinks he’s weird for always disappearing for so long into the bathroom after he eats. Maybe she really had figured it out.

After all, he is eating like a pig most days, yet he’s losing some weight? Maybe nobody but her notices because nobody else cares to notice.

But he knows— she wouldn’t approve, she doesn’t seem like she’s about to approve that’s for sure.

So he cuts her off before she can finish.

“You know what? I’m done with this conversation. If you’re gonna be a bitch, I don’t wanna listen.”

He scoffs and stalks off. Frustration and anger boiling in his chest. Nobody had any right to tell him he was somehow not right, he was completely fine. Perfect even.

Despite telling himself this, all the feelings bubble and boil inside him. Going from his chest and settling in his stomach. Feeling heavy. Like the heavy feeling of a meal weighing him down like bricks, solid cement in his stomach.

He doesn’t want to feel like this. And there’s always one thing that makes him feel lighter. Better. Emptier.

Finding himself back in front of the toilet, on his knees. A common occurrence for him by now, his mask off to the side, on top of the sink. Blank face looking down at him as he shoves two long fingers all the way back into his throat…

Adam doesn’t know when it went from just a thought, to doing it. From only doing it when he overate on sweets. To only when he ate sweets and when he ate too much in a meal. To only each meal. To only… everytime he eats.

He doesn’t even have anything to throw up. As he gags and coughs, the back of his throat convulsing around his fingers as he presses down. Only pulling them out last second as he retches, when stomach acid burns his mouth and spill out.

Only once is never enough, of course. He always needs to make sure the bile is clear. That there’s nothing left. That usually takes a while, since he tends to eat a lot in one go. He’s gonna puke it anyway, so why not go crazy?

But it’s already clear. So why does he shove his fingers in again? Because that high hasn’t come yet? The feeling of euphoria he gets knowing he got rid of it all?

Maybe once he purges these uncomfortable feelings, he’ll stop. His stomach already feels lighter, cleaner. It hurt too, but it hurt in the best way possible.

It’s not before he sees speck of golden blood splash into the water that he stops. Not because he’s worried, he knows he will be fine. He’s an angel, he’s fucking Adam. He’s always gonna be fine.

Blood just meant he was doing it as right as he could… yeah?

He coughs a little. Hand wet with saliva, dripping down his forearm. He flushes the vomit and stands up, feeling much lighter then when he knelt down.

Looking at his reflection as he washes his hands felt like looking at a stranger at times. He rarely went without his mask… seeing his pale face staring back at him, eyes red and teary. Slightly puffy cheeks contrasting his thin hands. Golden feathers behind him looking dull, lifeless.

All he can think in that moment isn’t that he doesn’t look well, that maybe he’s not so fine. Because it’s not normal to do this, is it? Nobody else seems to do it here, if they do they aren’t talking about it.

No… all he can think about is how the puffy cheeks make him look fat. It makes him feel sick all over again, the only thing keeping him from punching the mirror is the fact he puts his mask back on before he gets overwhelmed.

But he’s fine. He always will be. Adam smiles, the holographic face staring back betrays no sort of turmoil he might be feeling deep down.

If he can’t see his own pain, then nobody else will either. He doesn’t want them to… he doesn’t want to.

“You got this. You’re fine, better than fine.”

Adam almost believes it himself. That’s all that matters right now. If he believes it, it’s true.

It has to be.

[cassiopeianoctis]

confused, hungry, and sleepy :)

I am going to be unserious here because I think I am overwhelmed by all the feelings I'm currently unintentionally processing. And I consider my self a writer, not professionally, more in a reflective casual unserious way. I warned you before, that this is very unserious that you probably won't learn anything from this article at all.

I turn 25 years old in one month and it's a big deal for me. First and foremost, 5 years ago I didn't know I would survive this far in life. Second, more than a decade ago I created an image of my 25 years old self that may or may not happen in factuality. The only fact I know, in one month, my brain's frontal lobe will be fully developed and I can expect less noise and unnecessary thought happening inside my head. If it doesn't happen, I blame the internet for that.

I am not terrified. I am excited. I am instead, in many ways, terrified that I am more excited rather than scared of facing this new important age. Shouldn't I be scared? I don't know. Friends who are older than me and are already there had told me many stories about the whirlwind of turning 25, 26, 27, and the journey of fully absorbing themselves into the real adulthood starting at this age. But I won't budge with what I was supposed to feel, and instead I will accept what I feel as it is. And yes, I am excited.

This may or may not happen because of certain things that had happened to me in the first half of 2023. On a more important note, I usually write self reflection article at the beginning of a new year. This year, however, I didn't. And to make up for that absence. I can say my first half of 2023 was a little bit of everything happened all at once. I was happy, I was depressed, I was excited, I was angry, I was sad, and back to square one, I was happy again. As a believer, I think it probably happened that way because god was giving me some kind of a test so all roads will bring me back to Him. And it worked.

24 is a messy age, for me. I'm doing a job that I'm not satisfied with. I have been holding on for a year, because I still think I have to ace this test--I have to learn how to be comfortable in uncertainty, dissatisfaction, and grow to become resilient. Until my mind and body just couldn't do it anymore--and I turned to god to pray for a way out. At 24 too, I was preparing masters that I fortunately will postpone to 1-2 years later. I am explaining this because this 2 things had become my only source of overthinking and anxiety for the past year. I was so scared of not excelling and not being where I want to be that I was chasing everything at the same time. Until I realize, life is not supposed to be this difficult. Why can't I just let it go? I am 100% sure it's not the right time and I don't have to force myself to do it now!

Anyway, 24 was a horse race. It was a car race. It was a heist. It was a car chasing moment between me and the uncertainty of the future. Then it hit me--I wasn't able to fully be dependent on god and trust in Him more fearlessly. I am highly spiritual and I should have mastered this a long time ago. But life happens and sometimes we go back to being human; which is forgetful and egotistical. Thinking I could solve everything. Thinking the answer is all within me. Sometimes, it's not. In most of the time, I don't have the answer.

At this age too I discovered that I am not the independent girl I thought I was. In terms of relationship, my codependency is uncontrollable. This is my highest dilemma too, because I value my devotion, my empathy, and my ability to love. I am selfless, I am loyal, and I am understanding. But, where do I draw my boundaries? I had my first ever relationship last year and it ended very recently. It broke me to a thousand pieces because throughout my life I had always thought once I have a boyfriend, he will be the one I marry. That's why I was never in a relationship. I was saving my heart and devotion to the one special person that I choose to open my heart to after long observation & consideration. I did it at 23. But again, life happens. Sometimes, it doesn't go the way you had planned it to be. Back then, it would be hard for me to process it, but now it's kind of easier for me to come to terms with acceptance.

One thing I learn about the whirlwind of my early 20s (those age before 25, I mean) is that all of these hardships had brought me to the other sides of me that I had never seen before. I know my self better because of these rage and tears. I never knew I was, in fact... whole. All this time I was sure that I was broken inside, that I always needed help, that I always felt miserable because something inside me is not right. But to be honest, that is the process--and that in many ways is definitely not the condition.

I am actually stronger than I thought.

I was broken when my parents got divorced 5 years ago. I was depressed and suicidal for several years. I really thought I was going to die when I felt like the whole world was against me. But today, I am very thankful for all of that. I earned a very valuable lessons. I became the strong older daughter that my family lean on to now. I became that friend who is willing to share everything she has and she knows so that everyone around me can take pieces of me that are positive to their growth--my existence is not a waste and I believe it now.

I am an independent thinker. I am an independent woman who understands her right to be whoever she wants to be. And I choose to be the kind of person who is not afraid to give. I was clammed up inside a seashell when I was younger. Because I knew I liked to give, but I was constantly getting disappointed by people's disapproval of my giving. I thought, I was just being nice... why can't you accept me and what I want to offer to you? Now I know, people have the right to accept whatever they want to accept. I have to be smarter on choosing who I want to give compassion and love to, and those are the people whom I call my close friends now. Those people who keep telling me and reminding me of my worth. And I think in terms of romantic partnership, that is the key quality that I seek too.

I value friends and romantic partner who can acknowledge my worth and never gets tired of seeing the best of me.

Talking about romantic partnership too, at 24 I witnessed a lot of my close friends getting married or finding the one and planning to get married next year. I am beyond happy for them, and I truly genuinely become happier too when I see their best smiles on their wedding day. I get to be close friends with their husbands and partners too, and I was somehow glad that all of my girl friends end up with good men. And of course, as a confused, hungry, and sleepy 24 years old woman...I often ask "When is it going to be my turn?"

A very unserious question that is, of course I know I will have my own time to shine, and of course knowing how highly I value my ability to love, it's going to be hard too to meet and choose my future husband. And me being picky is not an obstacle, it is a gift. I understand my value and I understand that not everyone has the ability to receive the kind of love that I have. When I love, I love hard. And so yeah, I am patiently just continuing my life while keep praying for the best to god. I am not a casual dater. And knowing the difficulty of life ahead of me, I truly wish that I will be engaged this year and get married sometime next year in 2024. I don't know. In terms of romantic partnership, this is my wish and I can't think of anything else.

It may seem like I am over-explaining my goals and personal confusions, but this is just my way of processing everything. Again, a very unserious article that you probably cannot learn anything from. I am simply just pouring out my thoughts so I can sleep well tonight (Fact: I have been having acid flux this week because I've been drinking 2 cups of coffee everyday because I was always sleepy during the day and it happened because I've been losing sleep every night!)

So this is my piece. I am currently just so excited counting down to my 25th birthday. I only started to feel excited for birthdays when I was 22. And I think it is an achievement for me, to finally not being ashamed of feeling excited about something, and also to finally being able to feel excited about something. I have been planning for travel with friends, hiking trips, road trips, deciding what to wear for Taylor Swift's Eras Tour next year, strengthening my faith through learning and practicing, planning for masters, and planning for my wedding that I don't know when will happen.

I am counting down to 25 doing all these things that I am excited about. Doing all these things that I never got to do before. And most importantly, I finally get to do these solely for myself and because of me. No one is there in the agenda. No one inside the frame that I intentionally try to impress.

For the first time in my life, I do these things for me and me only. I am finally a hundred percent content with myself and I am at peace.

With love,

Dea

[primalspice]

caroline: A2, A10, A17, B1, B9, B13, C1, C3, D2, D3, E2, E6, F4, F8, G3, G5, H5, H9, I5, J2, J7, L5

.

A2: What alignment are they? Chaotic neutral, lawful evil, et cetera…

Lawful neutral I think??? I'm never good at assigning these but she does value rules and order (or at least her own interpretation of these things) above most other things. It's also kinda her main conflict though since her severe interpretations of how people should act Stifles her. My second choice would be chaotic neutral since she Is kinda in the process of twisting those rules to get to..wherever she needs to be. One may say she's using Bruno and his employment of her to do such a thing but I think it'd be too generous of an interpretation (theyre really just friends >w<)

A10: Does your OC compromise easily? Too easily?

Usually yeah but she's pissed off about it the whole time. And the resent she feels about it builds up with each time she compromises until she explodes and then repeats cycle.

A17: What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves?

Finishing her postgrad and getting a job in research at UCLA. then it's ALL DOWNHILL FROM THERE.

B1: Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it?

She's trying really hard to live the get-respect-to-give-it lifestyle she's tired of being the worm.

B9: What kind of humor does your OC like the most? Slapstick, ironic, funny sounds, scare pranks, xD sO rAnDoM…

hurting him psychically and physically

B13: Do they have a large or small group of friends?

She has exactly one friend (Bruno). Maybe she has issues connecting with others due to how she has been burned in the past but more importantly she has a grating personality and no one wants to be around her for extended periods anyway <3

C1: Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it?

She does but it's becoming more loose by the day. She lived half of her life very privileged and then had the midlife crisis that makes you gay and transgender against your will while already having established a life within your rather conservative circle... so she had to reassess a lot. I think her thoughts on what is taboo have changed extremely, but her thoughts on the type of work ethic one should have, how it's appropriate to act towards others, etc. have kinda remained strict. She'll recover one day <3

C3: Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own?

Yea I mean she tried for a long time to fit in with people who's values Don't align and she ended up quitting her lucrative and fulfilling job about it its very painful on her soul. Because of the emotional damage but also because she's right always and hates arguing with idiots.

D2: Do they believe in an afterlife?

No she's got to make the most of this while it lasts.

D3: How comfortable are they with the idea of death?

She doesn't want to die she barely feels as if shes started really living yet. She is definitely the most self-preserving of the bunch by far. Otherwise, though, she sees it through a pretty scientific/factual lens. It'll happen to everyone one day.

E2: Which of the nine types of intelligence is your OC strongest in? Weakest? (Linguistic, existential, naturalist, et cetera)

Best is Logical-Mathematical, worst is probably Interpersonal. SAD.

E6: Do they enjoy learning? Do they actively seek out sources of self-education?

Yes always. She loves research and reading and being an expert on topics that interest her. She takes pride in it.

F4: How clean are they overall with home upkeep?

Her home is very clean she doesnt live with anyone else so she doesnt have to worry about anyone elses mess :) i think she keeps it very modern (for the 2000s ofc) and kinda minimal. Prone to cat hair on furniture tho.

F8: How often are they home?

She's at home pretty much any time she's not working or doing necessary tasks or invited to go out by Bruno. She might occasionally go to the bar/other Vegas activities just because it's so near but it's not something she does regularly.

G3: Does your OC find their family supportive? If not, what would be an example why not?

No she is very disowned by her immediate family (parents, siblings??) for being A Queer but she might have a cool cousin or something maybe. Shes like 50 years old tho so shes over it she promises shes OVER IT she doesnt need them.

G5: Did they go through any typical phases growing up?

If being a precocious nerd and bringing that attitude into adulthood counts then Yes. Teacher's pet, star student, etc.

H5: Does your OC believe in marriage (or their culture’s equivalent)?

Maybe if the right person came along <3

H9: What are some things that your OC finds to be an instant turn-off in potential partners?

Being a slob :| or being someone who speaks over her or doesn't respect her opinions. Honestly probably a lot of other things too but thats just her being a hater.

I5: Are they a good cook?

I think she's sufficient at it. Probably doesn't have the greatest variety of recipes or techniques but she can make dinner.

J2: How politically aware are they?

She's not out protesting or anything but she's more aware than she ever has been before. Votes democrat but kinda thinks about it for a second too long.

J7: How much interest in environmental health do they have?

She finds it interesting to learn about and it somewhat concerned but I don't think she does more than the average person might. Recycle, stop using aerosols, drink from reusable bottles sometimes <3

L5: Which OC do you think is the most decent morally or behaviorally?  AKA, which is supposed to a “good guy”?

Out of my current four, she and Vic are the more reasonable of the bunch but theyre all just People. Vic might win over her tho because she's... not as willing to be outwardly mean and degrading towards others if angry LOL.

[ru5t]

-climbs in here late with a luke-warm starbucks- ⭐️⭐️⭐️(idk imagine a whole pile of 'em. gimme dustverse thoughts pls and thank!)

Every ⭐️ exchanges for a headcanon about our characters’ (potential or existing) dynamic.

i think you know this already but tech and omens are so sibling coded to me and the most interesting thing about it is how much it isn't shaped like how tech and jack are siblings but it's still sibling coded. and i don't even really know,,, how it happened? i feel like there wasn't a huge amount of buildup i just know that at some point they crossed that invisible line relationships do where they go from being 'person i know' to 'person i care about' and in this case the line got crossed and then also. the nagging. it's relentless. what you said about never pulling punches has been living rent free in my noggin. i'm not sure any of this is properly counts as a HC or if i'm just wharblgarbling about how long we've had characters but they're. brother n sister to me. desert kid and desert kid alike. sand siblings, even. we should get them really drunk at the same and maybe they'll actually talk about Stuff or maybe they'll do something colossally stupid. either way it'll be interesting

anyway actual thought: tech helps out with the lights and sound systems around the club sometimes, when she just drops in the way she does. partly she just likes having things to do with her hands, partly it's the best way she's got of showing her appreciation to the people who tolerate having her around, fixing or improving or (etc.) whatever they've got that she knows how it works. she refuses to let him pay for this in any way (except. yknow. all the times she's crashed or hid out there)

i think tech and wild are kind of like. they mostly see each other whenever they're both at the haven? and almost never cross paths otherwise, unless they deliberating set something up. and the result reminds me kind of like.... you know when you have cousins/relative who, when you're together, you're absolute menaces and besties and inseparable, right, but. you maybe live far away from each other and don't see each other other than when there are family gatherings? almost like that. paths they're on and choices they've made put them in a way they maybe don't get to spend huge amounts of time together (at least in person) but this does not stop them from being sewn at the hip when they do

we were literally just talking about... that the odds of it randomly happening aren't necessarily high but i think tech and boo need to physically fight it out at least one (1) time and i think it will fix them a little bit. like don't get me wrong i think there's a lot of ways they could clear the air but so many of them are such long processes that involve a type of vulnerability that would be pulling teeth levels of grueling with them that i think. if we just let them go really feral for a second and fight it out, my hunch is that this will somehow be less grueling and set them up to figuring each other out in a less bitchy and more empathetic way and at least dial things back if not totally clear the air. alternatively it makes things Worse. but i think it would help.

conversely. i don't know what's going on with ghoul and tech really but i do know we should never ever let them get on the terms to fight-fight cause i think it'd be. bad. for so many reasons.

i'm not sure if this is factually accurate but the concept of tech being (jack/arachnid as a Thing™)'s champion is very funny to me

[soir-rouges-esprit]

xxvii.f: Soul Quench, I drop my arms in a very low-effort way, as if they were dead weight ... “I know you're physically alive jackass … I meant mentally, emotionally … I mean you crawled out of a fucking rain canal! With Broken Fucking Legs!!! … anyone would be really fucked up after that … I'd be worried if you weren't a little rattled.” well then call a shrink, because I'm fine … I let out a large *sigh* and decompressed totally. I had to make a few choices in that moment while down there … some that reeeeally showed some colors, made a deal I'll probably regret, and sent Hell straight into the sky, unfortunately repeating another cycle of hate. What happened was I met with The Devil, he offered his claw-like hand once again … I took it … and now I'm here, and with that comes more than you can even imagine when it comes to stipulations. “What kind … of deal?” … I feel my eyebrows drop and tighten, to an angry disposition. A return of sorts … to let some limitations go, to freely exist once more, understanding my value and that of others in comparison once again … viciously … which will for certain open doors for me, big ones at that, but block the greater gate I'm wishing to travel through in the long run, the gate of peace and serenity. “Is that gonna … affect our relationship any? Are you returning to back then? Because I'm gonna be honest Red, I don't want to relearn that part of you … this newer shade, so much better.” She put her right hand on my shoulder. “I'm here for you, and I will hold that love like you do, I'll keep it safe within me like you say … you don't have to stop being … you … so just do as you do, and say it all out loud, give me all the details so I'm prepared, and lean on me, even if you don't want to … this is our deal, to stay stable … to not get lost anymore … no more storms.” My face relaxed, I rested my left hand over hers looked at her directly, and said. Don't fret Imp, I made a deal for sure … but I'm not a complete fool … our agreement was based on support, supplementing my lacking sectors, not to take over. Nothing will threaten our relationship, I will not … abandon you. She looked at me, smiled in cute totality, and put her hand back on the wheel, pulling away from my shoulder. “I know … you've done me wrong in the past, but you've always come to rectify that, stuck by me, and you never meant any harm to begin with anyway, just kicking rocks around and managed to ricochet some my way; realistically at my glass house, which isn't your fault any.” Thanks, M. “No need. it's like saying the sky is blue, making compliments towards you, they are merely factual.” Yet not insincere or meaningless, which has always been a part of your refreshing personality. She smiled again, this time big and wide. We got home, and she loaded me into my chair and wheeled me up to her apartment, where I'd stay. … … … Four and a half months pass. I finally, through healing and physical therapy/treatment, break away from my chair and crutches, to walking again, even lightly running. … … … I start to wake from sleep, I feel soft warm skin laying across my whole body, on top of me … feet and legs curled and wrapped up together, I open my eyes to see one very asleep and drooling a pool … Imp … we had one large furry blanket draped over us, that was the color of cyan with hits of white thrown in, I could feel her warm skin, heartbeat, and breath across my chest, I had my arms firmly wrapped around her, one hand resting on her upper back, the other firmly grasping her ass … I could feel her lower half flow between my fingers oh so gentle and softly, I’d say I was getting excited, however, my body had already beat me to it, with morning wood stiffer than good timber. I could die here I thought, no need to fight any fights anymore, so long this feeling and sight never faded away. But … the day as well more than a few unsightly individuals were going to be waiting for me … [To Be Continued]

[godlytransurfer]

Associating prior and recent studies: Neville Goddard and Alan Watts

Before we begin I continue to credit @diorbabe66 and @multiversebaddie for the inspiration they gave me to go back to these concepts for some insight and peace of mind besides my own reflection ahah.

As we continue to discuss the fact that obviously we are always manifesting, no wonder we can access to the void at any time even when awake, since it is literally within us. I found that years prior, one good way of figuring this out (even though you already naturally know how to effortlessly do it) was to focus on how the nature we already know, from people to other living beings, the planets, the space and the whole cosmos works harmoniously and was made from all the same thing, no wonder we can influence it. As we all know, Neville and our experiences within the community have shown us that even beyond this level, we can then go further and further into ignoring logic itself and shift continuously in more apparent “drastic” ways, even by skipping a bridge of events. The reason I came to post this amazing lecture of Alan is so we can understand how we naturally are always everything, so no wonder we can always influence it and get to the void at any time wether you are in the middle of your day or not, wether you use some level of logic or not. It was inevitably going to happen anyways, because you are everything and everything is making itself move.

Your brain will gain confidence on this system of how things work and take it as factual effortlessly, and you can use it so it will naturally escalate into limitless levels inevitably. So even logically we can understand why we are the void and everything itself! I am not posting this because Neville isn’t enough, I just personally found that I was able to focus on my inner world with a lot more discipline and ease as a beginner by associating these two parts of what is deep down almost the same concepts. It also helped me in maintaining a better self image and self concept in long lasting ways, as well as stable moods, feelings and thoughts, which overall even helps with your health. In my opinion, by being aware of all this from the most basic to the most impressive influence you can have on things, you will find that your changes in mindset and life that you have been manifesting have a way smoother, happy sailing like path, even thought obviously we can manifest our desires no matter what! Before we go into the lecture I would also like to emphasize that by ego, I’m pretty sure what Alan means here is the concept you have of yourself as human, but also regarding a bit to the exterior world. There is nothing wrong with obviously having a solid concept of who you are as a human in this experience, what isn’t so recommended is perhaps to deeply identify yourself with either taking external factors as decisive of who you are as a person, since it all comes from within as Neville and the whole Law of Assumption community have pointed out. The point of sharing this lecture is to make us notice that even when you change your concept of self and become exactly the human you wish to be, who experiences exactly what they want to experience - you are still everything, and you have always been. You are, and you will always be it, and the void. For the void is not empty but full and complete already, and that is why creation is finished and manifestation is instant! Now let’s dive in!

From “The False Idea of Who You Are” by Alan Watts

“But when you don’t think about it, it goes on. Is it voluntary or involuntary? And so we come to a very arbitrary definition of self: that much of my activity which I feel I do. And then doesn’t include breathing most of the time, it doesn’t include heartbeat, the activity of the glands, it doesn’t include digestion, it doesn’t include how you shape your bones, circulate your blood... do I do or do I not do these things? Now if you get with yourself, and find out you are all of yourself, a very strange thing happens. You find that your body knows that you’re one with the universe. In other words, that the so called involuntary circulation of your blood is one with the continuous process with the stars shinning. If you find out it’s you who circulates your blood, you will at the same moment find out that is you who is shining the sun. Because your physical organism is one continuous process with everything else that is going on: just as the waves are continuous with the ocean, your body is continuous with the total energy system of the cosmos. And it’s all you, only you’re playing the game that you’re only this bit of it. But as I try to explain, there are in physical reality no such things as separate events. Doesn’t it astonish you that you are this fantastically complex thing? And that you’re doing all of this and you never had any education in how to do it? That you never learned but you’re this miracle? Well the point is, from a strictly physical, scientific standpoint, this organism is a continuous energy with everything else that is going on. And if I am my foot, I am the sun.

Only we got this little partial view that I am something in this body: the ego... that’s a joke. The ego is nothing but the focus of conscious attention, it’s like a radar on a ship. The radar in the ship is a troubleshooter: “Is there anything in the way?” And conscious attention is a designed function in the brain to scan the environment like a radar does, and knowing for any troublemaking changes. But if you identify yourself with your troubleshooter, then naturally you identify yourself as being in a perpetual state of anxiety. And the moment we cease to identify with the ego and become aware that we are the whole organism, you realize first thing how harmonious it all is, because your organism is a miracle of harmony! (...)

So if you awaken from this illusion, you can feel yourself. Not as a stranger in the world, not as something here on probation, not as something that has arrived here by fluke, but you begin to feel your existence as something absolutely fundamental. What you are basically, deep deep down, far far in is simply the fabric at structure of existence itself. So in this idea, everybody is fundamental. The ultimate reality. Not god in a politically kingly sense but god in the sense of being the self, the deep down basic whatever there is. And you’re all that, only you’re pretending you’re not.”

[bohemian-nights]

I don’t know if you’re on twitter but the threads D*emyra shippers create on why she should be excluded from the show is😡

Like this one: https://mobile.twitter.com/barbie_comuna/status/1600893822182883333

I don’t know what’s more problematic them talking about racism against the Velaryons and using Rhaena to cyber yo their own racism towards N or creating these threads in general. It’s so telling how it’s incomprehensible for these people that D can be in love with N but him having paternal feelings towards her or sleeping with her without having any feelings towards her be stans of age difference is more acceptable to them.But really that’s how many fandoms see WOC anyway so it’s nothing new this one is like that as well I guess. And ofc Rhaena and the rest of the Velaeyons are the “acceptable type”of black fir them since they don’t affect their white ship in any way and serve them like the good black servants they are despite D/R disrespecting them and treating their kids and Laena’s kids like trash.🙄 Honestly I’m convinced even if D/R weren’t “romantic” (they love to make this excuse that the show making D/R young downhill will doom it imo)people would still be shipping them and/or D with someone of his relatives and would hate the thought of him getting with a non Targaryen.I mean look what’s currently happening with Aemond. The posts that go and on about Alys are very similar to the ones about Nettles.

I’m an old young person so the only social media platforms I use is this and Pinterest. Lol, yeah I’ve seen people post things from twitter and it’s a mess. Dead at them trying to pretend like they actually care about the racism the Black/Blackish characters have faced🙃

Them trying to replace Nettles with Rhaena is just pathetic at this point. It shows that you not only hate Nettles, but you don’t really care about Rhaena like you say you do.

Cause she has her own storyline that is going to play out, but you want her there because you know deep down that Daemon did not see Nettles as his daughter. It makes absolutely 0 sense to swap out Nettles for Rhaena and adds absolutely nothing to the story.

They can tolerate Black/Blackish women characters as long as they aren’t with their faves. Rhaena(and Baela) are fine cause they’re Daemon’s kids therefore they pose no threat to Daemyra(this ship has literally become my most hated ship due to the crazy fans it attracts).

Seeing Black/Blackish women in a more subservient or non-romantic roles is what they are used to. And like you said this happens in a lot of fandoms.

They are already trying to say that Rhaenyra is somehow the love of his life and they’ve got no chemistry so you know that Daemon and Rhaenyra would still be a thing even if it wasn’t canon. Take a look at Aemond and Helaena for reference.

Yeah the treatment of Alys is similar to Nettles. Some Hellman’s fans have linked up with some Dumbnyra stans and have taken to rewriting canon so that their hell ships can live on.

The only thing I can say about the Alys/Aemond situation is that they can’t deny canon like they do with Dumbnyra. Hellman’s is not in the book at all and is 100% made up cause they wanted Aemond to have an incest ship. Rhaena is right there people and it would make more sense, but you know why they don’t ship them 🫠

Bottom line is these shippers can’t stand to see Daemon “leave” their Targaryen queen for Rhaenyra 👸🏼for Nettles 👩🏾🐑🐉, a non-Valyrian(Black woman) character.

So they pretend like all the accounts(literally every account says they were/likely lovers) is not factual somehow. Yet nowhere does it state in the books that Rhaenyra is the love of Daemon’s life. Delusional I tell you.

Anyway for me it’s gonna be Nettles 👩🏾🐑🐉 and Alys Rivers 👩🏻 supremacy from here on out. I’m going to watch the break downs from salty (non canon compliant) shippers like this when we see them getting their men on screen

[zingaplanet]

I agree soooooooo much with all you said in that answer and especially you saying that it’s difficult to find the right words to describe what they have!!! Looking at it factually, Rafa and Novak have played each other a whole third times more often than Rafa and Roger have (59 to 40 if my memory’s correct) but I have honestly never sensed that kind of… feeling? Between the former as I have between the latter… And that isn’t to say Rafa and Novak or Roger and Novak or all three of them or all four of them with Andy don’t all have something special (After so many hours spent together on court and so much tennis-defining done, it must be so!) but there is a magic (?) about Fedal that transcends words and really does speak to the depth of the bond they share? I always find it hard to describe what exactly they make me feel, even outside any “ship” stuff (that’s just fun and games in the end, anyway) there is something so undeniable between them and I cannot put it into words at all, or rather, words don’t really do it any justice? I could try to write the most beautiful verses about them and it still wouldn’t capture what it means to know someone like that, to the very, very core of one’s being… and being known back the same. Sorry for the super long ask, but please do keep up the long answers if you have the time and energy, they are wonderful to read!

Hahaha don't worry, getting engaged in philosophically long discussions on other people's personal relationships is my favourite thing cause frankly, I DON'T HAVE A LIFE, so keep the asks rolling anons lol

So here's what I think honestly about the big four, or in this specific case if we're being a little honest, the big three and how Roger and Rafa approach their rivalry with Novak differently. I think the tennis world hasn't been kind to Novak (and by god they have their reasons) but if we're looking purely from an objective competitive perspective, I think it's also because the tennis world doesn't really like nor do they have the space to accommodate trios. Tennis has always been, as I mentioned, a very personal relationship between two people, either in doubles (we've seen many strong bonds and stories formed over the years with the Williams sisters and the Bryan brothers), or an intense two-sided rivalry in singles (Sampras-Agassi, Borg-McEnroe, Lendl-Edberg). There's just something mystical about pairs, I guess, and Novak broke through the Federer-Nadal story, he did it consistently and once we've thought we already have all the star players of a golden-era defining generation, and I think this is partly the reason why the other two of the big three didn't feel that particular sense of depth to their rivalry with Novak because THEY ALREADY HAD ONE, they've already had their biggest, career-defining rival to chase or to beat way before he came onto the scene.

Federer-Nadal were basically the ONLY story on the run from 2004 to around 2009, nobody else even came close, they were number 1 and number 2 for so long. And I think this initial period is the key to why the tennis world held their rivalry superior for so long but also to why they themselves did it. Firstly because the early 2000s saw a crucial transition from the older Sampras-Agassi generation to a new one, one that is surprisingly much more stronger than the previous one (Federer actually beat Sampras and Agassi multiple times, instead of just picking over their leftover crowns). When he became world number 1 and frankly with little competition (Hewitt and Roddick never really managed to beat him), there was a dominance established that somehow the whole tennis world feels is lacking something, a restlessness that doesn't exactly settle, and Federer himself actually feels it, I think, he references in a couple interviews that there was simply, in the humblest term, not enough exciting competition. And this changed when Rafa came into the frame, and he did it in the most staggering way, barely 17, beating the world number 1 and winning a first grand slam final against him. From then on, I think, they have already made a story for themselves, for Federer that this was a new challenge for him, and for Rafa, that he can now truly chase his idol on an equal level. The intense ranking chase going on from 2004 until 2008 was I feel something that the tennis world hasn't seen before and will probably never see again. It feels as if the balance is finally restored and the world is finally set right again. Tennis is somehow saved, because healthy competition at the very top level is the heart and soul of every sport.

As for Roger and Rafa personally, I think these formative years were the foundations of why they will always consider their rivalry to be the most important of their careers, regardless of the number of meetings, titles, or head to heads, simply because of its personal significance. Rafa became world number 1 for the first time chasing Roger, he won his first grand slam and Wimbledon against Federer. Federer lost his first grand slam final against Nadal, and truly felt the brunt of mortality when he lost his number 1 to Nadal, he was quite simply flying on wings and only realising that he could at some point fall. But that also reinvented his game, made him appreciate his wins more and as he later on admitted, made him fall in love with tennis and competition again.

Lastly, on this very long answer of an ask that you have now definitely regret asking (lol), I also think it's because of the very strange and almost psychically fated nature of their beings. They are literally polar opposites in an almost poetic way, not just in their extreme reverse style of plays but also in terms of their personal lives in general and they both knew it. Federer is the epitome of Swiss calmness and elegance, he doesn't actually show that much emotion on court, he literally grew up in the Swiss Alps (lol) and Nadal is the ever-passionate Spaniard, who wears his whole heart on his sleeves and was born and forever in love with his island Mallorca and the sea. I think there's never a truer example of opposites attract than them both. But the bottom line is, differences don't actually form a bond, it's the realisation that underneath all of these supposed opposites, there is a realisation that actually, they're also as close and as similar a person as they can be. Rafa even mentioned this again in their last presser, that they have very similar outlooks on life, and relating to my previous answer, they are two sides of the same coin, the only ones who can be as close as possible to 'live' the other's life.

I think that, is very frankly, one of the most whacky, poetic, and beautiful things the universe has ever designed, that underneath it all, those we thought our enemies were actually our brothers, and those we thought our opposites were actually the ones who're always there all along.

[bigskydreaming]

Hi, I was reading your post about Jason punching Dick in the face when Dick revealed he fake his death was bullshit ( which it was) and it reminded me of an issue/question that has bothered me for sometime.

Why did people believe Dick was actually dead?

I’m not the most avid comic reader so maybe I missed something but it was always weird to me that everyone just accepted this especially given how Bruce was acting or should I say wasn’t acting.

This is a man when his child died another child had to come along and told him sir you are being too violent and emotional you need supervision. When his other child died he went all over the universe to bring him back to life because he knew it was possible ( which was happening at the same time), so why didn’t anyone think it was weird he wasn’t doing that for Dick. Can you imagine Dick really dying that soon after Damian it would be injustice Batman Version. You are telling me that Tim, Jason or Barbara didn’t think it was weird that Bruce didn’t also bring Dick’s corpse to the bring Damian back to life mission or mention it to themselves. Like what more likely Dick dead and Bruce is handling it well or that he fake his death to do something stupid and Dangerous after his partner/brother/ little bit my son the feelings are complicated died after he was knocked out and woke up to his corpse.

Oh man, this is like, the entire nature of my beef?

(Slight derail just to emphasize the fact real quick that Dick DID actually die, he was just revived quickly, but like, the trauma of his death was very real and its not like anyone was clued into Luthor having a resurrection backdoor built into his literal murder of Dick in the actual moment of it happening. So Dick’s death wasn’t fake, and additionally, he didn’t have anything to do with like, telling people about it, because he was literally comatose in the cave and recovering while Bruce was telling people....by the time Dick woke up in the cave, we already know that Alfred at least had already been convinced by Bruce that Dick was dead, so I have a kneejerk need to pushback against the Dick faked his death narrative by reminding people wherever possible that Dick had no agency in the spreading of that narrative. 

It happened without him being involved, and the only actual contribution he ever made to it was just not revealing he was alive before Grayson #12, after Bruce like.....emotionally, mentally and physically badgered him into accepting that doing so would be directly harmful to his family and he didn’t want to be the reason more people died when like, people had just died because he ‘let’ himself be captured and interrogated by Power Woman’s Lasso of Submission, did he?

SORRY TO BE PEDANTIC, just wanted to start this off on a clarification, even though I know the aim of your ask was very much in tune with the rest of my response. A lot of people don’t read the actual comics, so like, I’m never gonna skip over an opportunity to emphasize that the shorthand people use to refer to Dick’s death and the year he was with Spyral, is like, literally just shorthand for describing it. Its not actually an accurate description of how all that went down and who had the most hand in it).

BUT ANYWAY. BACK TO THE MEAT OF THE BEEF.

Okay so like, not only was the entire family and Bruce himself giving Dick shit for his death and Spyral, like, PAINFULLY egregious because it was literal victim blaming in every possible sense of the word....

None of it made a LICK of sense with ANY of their characterizations, and they ONLY all accepted it on face value because the Plot Demanded It, and when you're like, no, as a reader I say The Plot Demanded It is not a good enough reason for me to be like well sure, that makes sense......looking at the characters ACTUAL actions at face value pretty much just makes them all look like assholes?

Like, Tim has never gracefully accepted anyone's death. Ever. This is core characterization for him. He will go to the ends of the earth for his loved ones and to bring them back, prove they're not dead, refuse to let death be the final verdict for them. He was tempted to use the Lazarus Pit to bring his parents back to life. He refused to accept Bruce was dead long before he had any proof whatsoever of that theory. He tried to clone his BFF/future-husband Kon in his fucking basement like, dude was two whole inches away from going Full Dark Side in his quest to bring back a lost loved one no matter WHAT the cost.....and then you've got Dick unmasked onscreen, killed offscreen, and Bruce then reporting to the rest of them with zero inflection 'oh Dick's dead now. Its very sad' and Tim's just like, sure. Sounds legit.

I mean?!?!

And you're SO RIGHT ABOUT THE DAMIAN THING! Bruce LITERALLY LITERALLY LITERALLY went BEYOND the ends of the Earth, like, he full on chartered a fucking space ship to fly his whole family out to APOKOLIPS to bring Damian back from the dead by going to EXTREME lengths.....WHILE everyone else thought Dick was dead....

And not a single person looked at Bruce and was like, okay, not that we're not down to do this for Damian because we miss Stabby Smurf something fierce ourselves, but.....what the fuck is UP with you dude? Why aren't you displaying ANY hint of this same kind of energy in regards to your eldest son that you said you watched die right in front of you?

Like....I don't know that we were actually ever told that Dick's coffin was empty or had a fake in it, but like....this family of detectives who refuse to accept death, defy death, COME BACK FROM THE DEAD....not a single one of them said like, okay, if I'm gonna like, ACCEPT accept that Dick is dead and gone for good, I need to at least just see him one last time? That's literally all it would have taken for someone to realize hey something's a little wonky here. Where's the dead body, Pops?

Since when has Jason ever missed an opportunity to prove Bruce is a) full of shit, b) acting like an emotionless robot and all his kids deserve better especially when they've just like....died, c) just factually incorrect and wrong and jumped to a conclusion before it was conclusively proved, d) lying like a liar or e) all of the above?

Nobody even ASKED if Dick's body could be put in a Lazarus Pit? Yeah, Jason wouldn't necessarily recommend it himself, given what it put him through, but actually fuck that, I take that back, because I'm NOT actually of the opinion that Jason full on hates his life and actively spends every second of every day wishing he hadn't been resurrected, even if it had come with a huge buffet of additional trauma and pain.

And that's kinda what's implied when people just take it for granted that he would never be on board with any scenario involving using a Lazarus Pit to bring Dick back, because it suggests that based even just on his own experiences and feelings, he honestly believes Dick would prefer being dead and not have ANY further opportunities to be with his loved ones, his friends, help save the damn world again at some future point.....that Jason, projecting based just off himself, legit feels Dick would rather be dead than have another shot at life even WITH the downsides of Lazarus Pit usage? Nope. Sorry, I don't buy it.

Speaking of not buying it.....you know what was missing from all those soliloquies the others monologued at Dick about how they felt and were hurt and just devastated by his death, to such a point they can't seem to muster a single shred of happiness that he's NOT dead still -

(seriously, Damian was the ONLY person in ALL THE LANDS OF EMOTION-HAVING who expressed ANY kind of positive reaction to having Dick back. We were so fucking cheated of like.....ANY opportunity to have the characters show just how much they valued him by just being fucking HAPPY he was alive, no matter what else was involved....and then most of fandom compounded that by for years being like mmmm, no, Dick didn't get yelled at enough by his family for what HE put THEM through. Needs more yelling. More punching too. Bad Dick. Bad. This is the only way you'll learn not to die and get shipped off on a mission that you don't want but at least is to protect your family after being beaten into it by your dad whilst victim blaming you for dying in the first place. WHEN WILL YOU LEARN TO THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR FEELINGS FOR A CHANGE, DICK?!?)

- But like, BUT I DIGRESS aside....you know what was missing from all those monologues about how hard DICK'S death and ensuing year of basically exile from his loved ones was for EVERYONE BUT HIM?

We never got a single line of explanation as to what everyone else officially thinks even happened to him in the first place?

Like, did Bruce straight up just say oh bad news kids, your brother umm. Expired. Spontaneously. There's no one to blame, he just keeled over, its all very sad.

Is that how that went down?

You're telling me that the explanation of Dick's death didn't come with a single pointed finger at someone for this family of blame-happy vigilantes to like, BLAME for the loss of this brother they all mourned oh so much, they just couldn't help but blame him for all the hurt it caused them?

The family that in every other fic is like OBSESSED with avenging and being avenged and all things vengeful and even tangentially vengeance-y....like didn't ask for a single detail on whomst the fuck deprived us of our brother-having?

Where were the attempts on Luthor's life by Jason (who I mean, yeah I know it was in a previous continuity, but erasing that timeline doesn't erase my awareness of the time Dick killed Jason's murderer so like.....mmm, just saying, woulda been nice)....where was the rage directed at the Crime Syndicate and references to how seriously and personally the Batfam took making sure that they were PUNISHED for all this and would never be free to wreak havoc on their world or their family again? What did they tell Damian when he came back to life, and how are you going to tell me that this fraternal little ball of fury didn't aim himself like a cannonball at whomever the fuck had DARED take HIS Batman from him when Damian wasn't around to have his back?

Not only does everyone else's desire to be avenged start falling really flat the second you factor in hey maybe Dick feels "mmm what about MY avenging" sometimes, and why doesn't anyone ever care about doing that for him.....but also, y'know what REALLY sucks about the ONLY person we actually SEE being blamed for Dick's death and ensuing absence being like....Dick himself?

Not only were his family all super keen on making all of this HIS fault and HIM the bad guy because of how it made them all feeeeeeel (and meanwhile fuck his feelings, am I right Batfam hfaklshfklahfkla).....

They somehow found a way to justify prioritizing this OVER ever even getting around to blaming some villain for his death in the FIRST place, in the entire year or so they thought he was still dead!

Like, you couldn't come up with a single target in all that time, but Dick's back two seconds, and you don't even give him a chance to EXPLAIN before you're punching him, shutting him down with 'I expected better from you' and turning away with 'I don't want to hear it, why am I surprised Dick Grayson disappointed me again'?

afshklfhalfhalfhla

Make it make sense!

And like, it won't, cuz it doesn't, and it never will, and like I said at the top, the ONLY reason it all played out this way is because DC doesn't give a fuck about character development and deemed it necessary to go down this way for the sake of the plot (which was totes worth it, I mean, glad we sacrificed characters for this A+ plot which was clearly the greatest plot of all time and definitely justified every story choice made or not made around it loooool).

BUT.

BUT BUT BUT.

The problem isn't JUST that DC is stupid, even though that is an eternal mood and quite the problem.

Its that the SECOND large parts of fandom decided to play along with DC and just accept the story at face value, only add to it and play into it exactly as it happened in canon with no significant deviations, and like, heaping on the LITERAL abuse from Dick's siblings while ignoring the LITERAL abuse from his father....

THAT....is when all of this becomes relevant.

Because the second people decided TO engage with the reasoning DC gave for what Bruce did and how and what Dick did and how and just not mess with any of that and have it all play out exactly like that...

The second people are like, okay we're FINE with not just dismissing this story as OOC writing that doesn't make any sense, and actually VALIDATING it to various degrees by engaging with it as is....

That's when 'OOC writing' stops being an excuse or explanation for alllll of the above gaps in character logic and actions.

Because its like, when you had abundant chance to REJECT this story and say nope, this was bullshit from start to finish and I'm not here for it, when you were just as capable of transforming literally ANY aspect of this story you didn't like into something that made more sense to you....

And you chose not to.

That's.....accepting it as valid writing. You were like, okay, I'm game to just treat this as a thing that happened, just like they said that happened.

For the chance to give Dick shit for it, see. For the angst, see.

And that's when I'm like okay cool, so when engaging with this story as is and accepting it on face value and just delving into the characters as they were SHOWN interacting with and around these events......for the angst or whatever....

You guys just all decided en masse to just hop, skip and jump over allllllllll the opportunities for angst inherent in examining even ANY SINGLE ONE of the above lapses in judgment or hypocrisy on the parts of the characters (who don't get to be excused by OOC writing if you're not going to call the story an example of OOC writing, whoops).

And its just like, uh, what's up with that?

[buckyownsmylife]

Say it, just say it - Harry Styles smut

The one where you and Harry hate each other.

Warnings: hate sex, use of the words bitch and whore.

Word count: 3k<

A/N: this is for an anon request that wanted hate sex with Harry Styles. This was the best I could do - apparently the idea of having sex with someone you hate isn’t something my brain can process, so here’s some really rough sex that forces two idiots to deal with their feelings. Also this somehow goes from second person to third person p.o.v. but when I tried to fix it, I didn’t like it. So 🤷‍♀️

Harry hated her.

There was no easy way to say it, no cliche that could hide the absolute honest, factual emotion that he felt towards the woman with whom he was supposed to work for the next four months. 

It had been this way for as long as he could remember. The first time you were introduced to each other, during one of those extremely boring parties the record company insisted on throwing, he’d been praying for a distraction, any type of distraction, and when you appeared, looking just as bored and so much like an angel it hurt to look at you for too long, he thought that was it.

Maybe you were it. Maybe you were the person who would finally make this entire thing make sense, remind him why he even became famous in the first place. Harry had been growing more and more disappointed about his environment with each passing day and he needed something to make him stay, to remind him why he got into this industry in the first place. 

Your face, your gentle way of being, the way you had so suddenly risen to fame and not allowed yourself to get pushed into the wrong kinds of behavior were some of the reasons why he had grown fascinated with you. Now that he had the chance to finally meet his newest idol, maybe you’d be the one to give him a reason to keep going.

He couldn’t have been more wrong. For starters, you barely gave him the time of day, smiling politely after being introduced but remaining mostly silent even though he kept trying to make conversation with you. You looked uncomfortable, and it made him uncomfortable. And when you finally snapped and told him to, “Stop trying, it’s never going to happen,” and immediately left, he decided right then and there - he hated you.

He hated you. He hated the way you made him feel, back then and every time you met since - like he’d done something fundamentally wrong just by being the way he was. He hated that he believed even for a split second that you could help him, that you could take him away from this path of nonsense he’d started walking, only to be left lost and alone. He hated how sweet your perfume was, like an intoxicating cloud trying to make sure he’d never be able to forget you. And most of all, he hated that no matter how hard he tried, he still grew hard as a rock just at the sight of you.

It all became that much harder to deal with when your record label decided you’d be having a joint tour for the next year. Of course, you tried to fight it - Harry wouldn’t be too surprised if he learned you screamed and threw a fit, although he never ever heard of you behaving in such a way… He just had to believe that you did. It was pointless, anyway. The decision had been made with your fans’ best interest - and your managers deep pockets - in mind. And if there was one thing he had to admit, it was that you truly were a professional, even when it came to doing things you didn’t want to do.

That didn’t mean he didn’t feel the urge to tighten his hand around your throat every time you opened your fucking mouth to shoot one of your derogatory comments at him.

“Oh, you’re not going out to party?” You asked, barely glancing up at him from your spot on the couch when he entered the tour bus in search of his phone. Truth was, his plan most definitely had been to go out and get drunk, mostly to try to get some sleep that wasn’t filled with dreams of a very naked you riding him until he was whimpering, but now that you said that, he wanted to go directly to bed if only to prove you wrong.

“What the fuck is your problem, huh?” He asked, reaching out for a bottle of vodka and quickly deciding to forgo glasses and drink directly from it. “Are you so sexually frustrated up on that high horse of yours you can’t let other people get their rocks off in peace?”

That won your attention, your gaze slipping from the television to meet his in clear annoyance. God, why do you still look so fucking cute when you have your eyes narrowed like that? “Excuse me?”

Harry could have dropped it. He very well could. Roll his eyes and make a hasty escape, either to the bar or to bed, like he’d done thousand of times before. But he was tired, and he was moody, and frankly, he was a little sexually frustrated. It didn’t matter how many girls he found to occupy himself with after a show, the second he saw you again when he got back to the bus, his cock was back to a half-mast.

“You heard me.” He decided to throw caution to the wind. At the very least, he’d get to say some things that had been swirling around his head ever since you met, and maybe that would help ease some of the tension inside of him. “You’re such a fucking prude you can’t even go out to grab a drink with your bandmates. Or maybe you don’t go because you know no one would want you. That know-it-all attitude isn’t exactly attractive, but I think you know that already.”

When you darted out of the sofa, he already knew what was going to happen. But instead of doing anything to stop it, he found himself incredibly aroused at being slapped on the face by the woman before him.

“Oh, no, you won’t.” He captured your wrist before you could walk away from him, pulling you so forcefully back to where you stood that you ended up falling over his chest. And then, after a second of tense silence where you both just stood there, staring at each other, Harry finally found the courage - or the stupidity - to do what he’d been wanting for so long.

He leaned down and connected his lips to yours.

He didn’t know what to expect - frankly, it’s not like he was thinking straight. Even though he hadn’t really drank enough to be even near buzzed, you just had that effect on him - acting like an intensifier, making every color seem brighter and every sound louder, igniting his emotions so easily there really was no point in drinking anything whenever you were around.

But still, everything was possible, from him earning another slap - one he wouldn’t feel inclined to complain about, knowing he crossed a lot of boundaries by pulling you this close and possessing you lips like he’d had - to having you run away and never speak to him again. He was prepared for every outcome, except the one where you reciprocated his kiss with just as much hunger as he felt towards your body.

It was all teeth and tongue, he swiped his over the top of your mouth, you bit down on his bottom lip, making him whine and inadvertently rub his hardened cock on your stomach. But you didn’t seem to mind. In fact, you only pressed your own body tighter against his, trapping him against the counter while he got lost in your taste and then…

Then you suddenly stepped away, breathing hard while looking at him with an accusatory expression, like this was all his fault, like he’d done something against your will. “Let me go, Harry,” you ordered, pulling the arm that he still clutched, while he stared back at you with a dumbfounded look on his face. “I’m not one of your common whores, I’m not gonna just sit back and be a good girl for you.”

His entire body still tingled from being that close to her, his mind taking too long to catch up to yet another turn of events. He just stared down at her smaller frame, still confused and surprised until yet again, it all turned into anger.

“Not one of my common whores, huh?” Harry could see just how lustful she actually was. He could see it in the way her eyes glinted, how she still hadn’t been able to breathe with her mouth closed since he lost the feeling of her against his lips, and how despite her forceful words, she still hadn’t made an actual effort to step away from him. 

She could pull away if she wanted to. He didn’t have enough control of his body to hold her that tight. And to make it even clearer, he just released her arm, fingers running down her body until her hands were falling limp by her side, surprise clear on her face.

She didn’t want to be anywhere else.

And when that was out in the open, he leaped on her, cradling her face between his hands - so big that they could encompass her entire head - and descended upon her again, mouths connecting and a delicious whimper escaping into the tense atmosphere between them, making her so surprised at herself it gave him just enough of the upper-hand that he managed to invert their positions and have *her pressed against the counter now.

He kissed her like he wanted to leave bruises on her lips, etch this memory in her mind just like he knew he’d never be able to forget about it. He’d be damned if he didn’t show her the best lay of her life. Maybe then she wouldn’t go back to being such a fucking bitch to him.

“Look at this, you say you’re not a whore, but where’s your underwear?” Her breath hitched when Harry’s hand made its way between her legs, finding her not only bare, but wet and ready for him. “My girlfriends all wore panties, like proper ladies do, pet. Where’s yours?”

The poor thing didn’t seem to be able to speak, mostly because she had to bite her lip so she wouldn’t say something that would stop him from toying with her clit, making her pussy clench in the most delicious of ways.

“God, you’re such a fucking temptation.” The way his warm breath hit her face, before he kissed her cheek while he kept playing with her, only added to the warmth she felt exponentially grow inside her body. “You turned me on all this entire time… If I’d known you just walked around without underwear, I would have bent you over a desk and had my way with you long ago.”

At last abandoning her clit, Harry pushed two of his long fingers inside of her, immediately replicating the pace with which he’d rubbed her pussy, no sign of slow and sweet anywhere in his mind.

“But you just have to walk around being a distraction… You know, the least you could do was to play nice. Or do you just like being a bitch all the fucking time?” He nipped on her jaw as she held onto the counter behind her, eyes raised to the ceiling, begging for God to grant her a release. Unfortunately, the only one who could give her that was Harry, and he was not feeling merciful.

“At least your pussy is sweet,” he mocked when he pulled his fingers away from her pussy, right when she was about to reach her high, and wrapped his pretty pink lips around them. “Something about you had to be.”

But she was too breathless, too lost to the desire to care about his taunts. All she could do was watch with bated breath as Harry hummed with the taste of her, eyes fluttering open to meet hers before he smirked.

“Come.” He took her to the couch, not stripping her of her clothes, but fully ripping them from her trembling body. He bent her over the soft cushions, standing back only for enough time to unbuckle his belt and push his jeans down, but it was enough for her to find her voice again.

“Someone can come in…” She pointed out, looking behind her to find him staring at the apex of her thighs, completely ignoring her eyes. He looked almost hypnotized by what he saw. She could only flush in embarrassment as she imagined. She *knew how wet she was, she could feel it. It dripped from her, slowly running down her thighs and making her feel weaker than she already was.

“I don’t care.” Harry’s voice broke her from her thoughts, seeing him still attentively looking at her offering. “Let them watch, if they want. Let them see how good you take it.” And that was all the warning she got before he pushed himself inside of you, stretching her like no one else had ever done before.

He didn’t give her any time to adjust, either. Immediately settling on a bruising pace, he fucked her hard, like he had decided to eliminate every single ounce of frustration he’d ever had with her right then, with the help of her body.

“Get your hands off your cunt.” He slapped her hand away, the one she’d been using to rub her little clit in the urge to reach that high again, too scared he’d take it from her once more. “It’s mine now.”

And so his thumb settled right where she’d been, swiping her nub with surprising dexterity for someone who was keeping such a steady and forceful pace as he bruised her cervix. His sneer was the only thing that warned her of the persistence of his temper.

“Don’t like following orders unless it’s for me to touch your sweet pussy, huh?” She was too immersed in the pleasure, the sounds of their rough sex making her head swirl inside the empty bus. She’d never been fucked this hard in her life, and it sated some deep desire she’d never even acknowledged she had until that very moment.

“I fucking knew you weren’t some precious little innocent thing,” Harry continued, still keeping up his pace. “You’re a slut, you like being fucked like a whore, isn’t that so?” He pulled her so her back would be attached to his front, and she gasped with the change of position.

“Answer me.” All she could do was nod, but that was enough for her torturer, who suddenly seemed much too interested in her jaw, on the skin of her neck, whatever part he could reach with his soft, pillowy lips.

“Admit it,” he whispered, so differently from how he’d been speaking up until then that she almost missed it. “Admit that you’ve wanted this just as much as I did.” The implications of what he meant had her tightening around him, and his groan was as delicious to hear as the first notes of his solos.

But she couldn’t. She couldn’t open her mouth to say it, because it was just too much. It would make this moment more real, more burdensome than she could bear. This was supposed to be only sex. She couldn’t deal with any emotions.

“N-no,” she tried to assert, but it sounded weak and unconvincing even to her own ears. And the whine that escaped her lips when Harry pulled out of her only served to solidify that image of her.

“Yes. Say it,” he urged, having turned her around before thrusting his member back inside of her all at once. “We both know it’s the truth. You just have to say it. Tell me you’re mine.”

His thumbs brushed on her cheekbones while his cock dragged in and out of her channel and the sensations were too much for her, especially when he was looking at her like *that. “I-I can’t,” she resisted. “I can’t get closer to you.”

Harry didn’t like that. No more soft caresses, his hands left her face to grip the cushions underneath her, so he could speed up his movements once more, pounding her against the couch.

“Oh, so you prefer to touch yourself while thinking of me, and leaving me frustrated, is that it?” The way he was talking to her had her tightening around him once more, and she knew it wouldn’t belong until she cummed all over him. “Too fucking bad, the only way I can stand to be close to you now is if I’m buried in this little cunt.”

Her vision blurred and she buried her nails in his biceps, her mouth falling open right when Harry ordered her to, “Cum, fucking cum.” Her pussy clenching around him brought him to his own orgasm, and he threw his head back as he too reached his high.

They relished in the aftermath for a while, enjoying the comfortable silence that had fallen between them for the first time. But when Y/N tried to push him away so she could clean herself up, Harry lifted his head to look her in the eye and said, in the most serious voice she had ever heard him use, “You’re not going to sleep without me. I wasn’t joking.”

And she was surprisingly okay with that.