#being aromantic is so central to being who i am and i love who i am. so much

[knifearo]

i love being aromantic. being aromantic is one of the great joys of life :)

[edgybutnotveryedgy]

:)

[epersonae]

Do you think you could fall in love again?

On the one hand, this is a wildly personal question, anon, and from the reaction of my knitting group, it would be totally appropriate for me to just abandon this in the depths of my unanswered asks.

On the other hand, if it is possible to know one thing about me as a person, just from my blog, it’s that I was deeply madly in love, and that that person died. And also: you have in fact activated my trap card.

Because I thought about this, almost as soon as they died, and not in a way where I was ready to fall in love immediately, but I think I said to @faintvox maybe the next day: can you be polyamorous with a ghost?

Because when I got divorced from my first spouse, I thought I wouldn’t find love for a long time. I expected to be single for years, because I had so much trauma from that, because I had loved him and it had broken me, because I thought it would be too hard to start over after more than 20 years with someone else.

And when I told Ryn that, after we started dating, they laughed at me. “There is no way you were going to be single for five years,” they said, which how long I said I’d expected. (For the record: I left my ex in August 2018; Ryn and I started dating in October 2019.)

Because Ryn and I were in a polyamorous relationship when we started out, and we were just trying to figure out how we wanted to do that again, more deliberately, and instead cancer-wedding-death. Our wedding vows deliberately included that space in our lives, in a way where it also was about our friendships, and was also something that would not be totally obvious to a couple of my older relatives.

Because I realized, after they died, that we together had written me a way through it — the fic we wrote together, one of the central characters is a widower, and the guy who created him always said “Magnus never loves again,” and we said “Fuck that,” and we said (altho this is I think @nekosd43's formulation originally), “Magnus is made for love,” and we shipped him in stories set before his marriage and we shipped him in stories set after. And Magnus’s grief and love for Julia is woven through the love that we gave him in the stories we wrote with him and Taako and him and Lucretia, and the love and the grief are both important. (JFC I WROTE A PIECE ABOUT LUCRETIA ASKING HIM ABOUT A TATTOO HE GOT FOR JULIA.)

Because among many other things, for the benefit of all the broken hearts is in part about what it means to have love that isn’t The Love, what it means to find love in the aftermath of tragedy, to find love in places you didn’t expect.

Because people in my family live a really fucking long time, and the idea of living another 30, 40, 50 years without romantic love, without being in love, is kind of horrifying to me. (No offense to my aromantic pals, but could not be me.) Especially given that I am already of a mindset that it is possible to have romantic love for more than one person at a time — to say that I couldn’t have it again at all is just not realistic for who I am.

No one is ever going to have the exact place that Ryn did and does. No one will ever be them, no other relationship will be the one that we had from when they first messaged me in 2017 until I lay next to their corpse in a hospital bed in 2021. Even in death they are literally my safe space.

And yet.

So the scene in OFMD 1x10, where Stede asks Mary what love feels like. I have always associated that with Ryn, and with my own little montage, because that is what our love felt like. (There are so many things about s1 Ed and Stede that are ridiculously us.) If we’d been married a year later, I bet some of that would have been in our wedding ceremony.

And yet.

I haven’t posted about it on Tumblr, but there is a somebody, and I am quite in love with them, and one time last summer I was watching Our Flag Means Death, as you do. And I got to that scene, and my mind was doing the montage overlay thing with moments of Ryn…and also moments with this other person. And I knew that I loved them, that I was in love with them, but to have that connection happen? I burst into tears.

Because I had known intellectually, but I felt it in a different way, deeply and truly, the simultaneousness of that love, the way it overlaps, and neither makes the other less, and there was love, and there is love, and whatever happens next there will be love.

[gaytventhusiast]

Labels, Asexuality, Aromanticism and Headcanon.

I need to just get this off my chest because it's a common trend I've noticed in a couple fandoms I'm in and I think it needs to be discussed. Of course I'm open to discussion on this. There's a chance I'm wrong.

Something about the way fandom treats s/x repulsed characters in media just sits with me bad. In multiple fandoms I've been in now, I've witnessed a clearly stated canonically s/x repulsed asexual character be put into 'intimate' situations under guise of a 's/x positive' interpretation. What bothers me, personally, is that these characters don't and would never. One example is with Jonathan Sims from The Magnus Archives. I have accidentally stumbled across explicit fics involving him before that are tagged 's/x positive asexual Jonathan Sims'. But the thing about him is that at no point in the podcast is he even mentioned to be asexual. In fact, the information you get about him is actually that he simply doesn't. That is all you know, that he doesn't, ever. And yet, due to the nuances of the asexual label and the fact that that description of Jon technically puts him under it, folks have been using those technicalities to put him into scenarios he never would enter into. As much as I hate to say it, it almost feels like there's a sort of s/x repulsed asexual erasure going on within the aspec community. And for context, this is coming from an aspec who is positive about that kind of intimacy. This is not just limited to asexuality either. I've also witnessed this happening to aromantic characters with fandom putting them in 'queer platonic relationships' that read as romantic ones. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a platonic pairing, in fact, I'm all for it. But time and time again I see sappy art with blushing or otherwise romantic undertones and I feel... just sort of weird about it. I understand where this all comes from. People have a desire to see themselves in characters and I respect that. But you can do that without the erasure of both asexuals and aromatics that simply do not. When it comes to being aro and/or ace, I recognise that, I, as someone who, although aspec, is still is open to relationships and 'intimacy', am far less scrutinised for it by society than those who aren't. And although sadly there is barely any representation in media for the kind of aspec I am, it doesn't mean that it feels okay to erase other asexual identities and their representation in the process. Summary: So this is all to say. It personally makes me uncomfortable when I see Repulsed Asexual and Aromatic characters turned pseudo-s/xual and romantic by the fans through the use of Label Nuances and Technicalities. (Note: This is not intended to be an attack on anyone personally. I simply think it's a much needed to be discussed topic that I've noticed happening more and more recently) On a more positive note: For anyone looking for aspec representation that involves a character who loves the idea of romance and has experienced giddy feelings in the past but comes to the realisation they might be aromantic through the help of an aroace friend, go listen to The Penumbra Podcast season 4 episode 'Rita Minute 4: 4Ever Love'. I've never felt so seen in terms of my sexuality before. It's an underrated gem of an aspec central minisode.

[aromantic-diaries]

is it weird that i feel weirder about my ace identity than my aro one? like im suuuper comfy and Love my aromantic identity and use it almost exclusively. but with ace its like i know in general that im ace spec also but im not as comfortable with the label. i know that ultimately it doesnt matter and i can refer to myself however. just putting it out there to see if anyone else had this phenome. because it seems like its often the other way around - like more people identify with being just ace first and then struggle with aro, vs the other way around.

I think that's completely fine, I'm sort of a similar case, while I did have trouble accepting both I embraced being aromantic much more and feel more comfortable using that as my primary label whereas being asexual is sort of just Yeah I fit the definition so that's what I am, but my asexuality is not as central to my identity as my aromanticism, what I'm saying is that you're not the only one who feels that way and it's not weird at all.

[jisungshotfirst]

top 10 title tracks of 2023

in which i am a nerd and rant about music<3

10. BYOB - Billlie

this is just the cutest little city pop song! it's simple and catchy and it was a real change to hear such soft voices from billlie! softer title tracks always stand out to me because they are often so so pretty and delicate and byob is so so pretty and delicate! and the lyrics... i have claimed this as an aromantic anthem, it's ours. not relating to your friends having crushes .... billlie i see u

9. Break the Brake - Xdinary Heroes

this song is just straight vibes... the loudest rock we've gotten from xdinary and I appreciate it SO much. the verses r so clean and the falsetto.. its harmonically so interesting so the noise of the chorus feels properly cathartic and doesn't feel like a loss which can sometimes happen in scream-esc choruses. It's arranged SO well to balance all these things and be stimulating while also being so emotive. AND JUNHAN WITH THOSE CRUNCHY NOTES IN HIS SOLO. the dissonance.. its so brain-sratchy

8. In Bloom - Zerobaseone

zebi brainrot is so real friends.. be careful. this song is so beautiful! i think its a perfect example of the song marrying the concept and mv and members tones so well. from literally the first minute of zb1 i was so excited about their concept of mixing natural imagery like flowers with glitchy technology imagery and i hoped the music would match... AND IT DID! its so lyrical while being crunchy and energetic. SUCH a slayful debut

7. #menow - Fromis_9

this song is sooooo pretty. epitome of a soft bop. it's a classic fromis sound but with this sense of maturity and humility that makes it so engaging and emotional. it demands to be taken seriously but still is so fun! the vocal production is next level.. the effect on their voices in the chorus so they're used like instruments... one of favourite techniques ever. i LOVE when the vocals truly feel like part of the arrangement and not just sitting on top and this song truly does that

6. Spicy - Aespa

the absolute cunt aespa serve in this song... who let them. anyone who knows me knows i'm obsessed with everything moonshine has ever made.. and so when i heard they were doing an aespa title... i went crazy. and i am so right for it. THE BASS IS INSANE?? it puts all other synth basses to shame with how in your face it is. and the crispy snare? idk how to describe this song other than cunty because she genuinely does not care about being clean or palatable... like she is In Your Face with sound. and aespa literally ate that up... they are so fun and cheeky and confident! i'm sorry this is the kind of song that only a group of baddies could handle and aespa stepped up

5. Sugar Rush Ride - TXT

txt doing disco... like you already have me at that. it's sooooo groovy and although the anti-chorus was surprising.. i'm not mad at it! I'm so happy they went into it full force with the whisper vocals and the choreo switching mood, it rly helped the genre change make sense. and the DISCOOO at the end.. bop central. the lyrics and choreo and vibes overall r just so beautiful.. what can i say i love songs about gay sex i mean forbidden love...

4. Groovy - Cravity

the funky bop of all funky bops... literally funk pop goodness! there is so much movement in this track theres so many different rhythms happening and the blend together sooo well. the dance break is perfect.. literally everything you want from a dance break with the continuation of the same sounds but a new tone to it and new rhythmic focuses. and the choreo for it literally hits ever beat you want it to and stretches out the time between them perfectlyyyy. but ultimately it is on here because is it a feel-good happy fun bop.. and she excels at it! vity makes me so happy and they are so good at making songs that make you happy

3. Galileo - Kep1er

cutest song of the year! it is so groovy and fun and danceable. it is sooo feel-good it literally makes me smile every time. thank you hiyyih for putting aegyo in a song<3 where is her nobel peace prize. this is the kind of song where you truly can't hear the music theory going on because it just does exactly what you want it to do! any tension chords are resolved perfectly where you want them to. it's the perfect example of chords from minor keys borrowed to make a song that sounds so major and happy. there is absolutely nothing i would change about this song it is sooo perfect. absolutely filled to the brim with joy

2. ROAR - The Boyz

...like literally hello? this song came out of nowhere for me i did NOT expect to be as impressed as i was like my life changed after this song. firstly the whistle.. hot and sexy and catchy. carrying it through as a motif, chopping it up, creating variations, translating it to a singable vocal line... all of that is SO impressive to be able to pull off. crunchy track underneath.. beautiful. but what is most impressive to me about this song is the topline. the vocals are literally insane.. chanhee and hyunjae have my favourite tbz voices and u are crazy if u don't agree that they r the main characters of this song. some of those chorus lines are So high and they can sing them in a way that sounds so effortless. and the backing vocals... the Incredibly high harmony in the choruses makes me want to scream (it's jacob i think.. jail). and there is just voices Everywhere.. everywhere theres little 'ahs' hidden around and it not only fits the songs sexy concept in such a natural way but it just fills up every bit of space in the song. and the lyrics... once again i love a song about ..*checks notes* forbidden love.. that is damned by heaven... definitely not about gay sex tho .. definitely not..

1. Chill Kill - Red Velvet

second moonshine on the list .. no one is suprised. i think this song has complimented red velvet's two sides of creepy and feel-good the most successfully. the tone shift from the verses to the chorus is so obvious... but seamless. and what does it is the harmony! the chords are perfect... it seems redundant to talk about rv vocals but they rly just make the song. and the outro... blending both vocal parts of the chorus together.. it sounds epic. it adds to both the happy and creepy by sounding like a group of friends together.. but also cult-y with all that creepiness still lingering. singing 'forget about your sorrow' with the happiest voices like the verses weren't filled with creepy minor sounds... literally gaslighting queens. this song is terrifying and also the most joyful (hi sooyoung 😘) experience to listen to.... only the dream team of moonshine cazziopeia and red velvet can manage that. and it's no surprise this dream team gets my no.1 spot!

thank you for reading if you got this far ! pls share your favs with me and if we share any i'd love to hear what you think! happy new year everyone I truly hope it treats you well<3 and here's to more bops in the new year!!!

[genderkoolaid]

I've thought for a long time that there's a sort of... Maslow's hierarchy of representation in media. Like step 1 is having your identity be shown at all, and then sympathetic rep, accurate rep, rep that is central to the story (not just side/bg characters but MAIN characters) etc etc (if anybody actually writes out a whole hierarchy i'd love to see it)

But I think the highest point is having representation in genres you actually. y'know. LIKE.

Like for example, my favorite genres are historical fiction and fantasy. I fucking LOVE historical fiction. But most historical fiction shows are about 50-90% cishet sex scenes (kind of being dramatic here but seriously. it's like they can't let you forget for five minutes that People In The Past Were Horny! They Had So Much Nasty Sex!), which gets annoying when you are an aromantic trans queer who could not care less about generic white cishet romance #836273 (this is why i'm deeply obsessed w ofmd btw but i'm sure that's not a suprise)

But a lot of big queer rep happens in genres I do not care about. Like, it's great that it exists, but I literally could not give less of a shit about modern queer people in modern NYC having normal issues. If it's not in a historical setting, doesn't have magic and NOBODY is fucking any kind of monster, I most likely will not be interested. But queer rep, especially transmasc rep, in historical and fantasy shows in so fucking bare bones. It's like... Morgan Finn from Strange Empire, and more recently Jim Jimenez are the only two that come to mind rn. Versailles has had my respect for years because of their blatant and central gay & GNC characters. But in general, a lot of the queer rep I am interested in comes in formats I do not care about, and my ADHD ass is not strong enough to sit through a series I am not interested in just to see a trans guy side character, y'know?

Basically, it's not enough to just have representation in general. We need to have enough rep in enough genres that people can actually find themselves in genres we enjoy. This is also why it's annoying when people just list identities of characters in a show instead of actually describing the plot; we shouldn't have to settle for literally any media that has a character with our identities in it. I deserve my ultra queer historical fiction show, and you, reader, deserve media which represents you while also being something you actually like.

[pentowrite-wingstofly]

Amatonormativity is not a thing because it IS normal AND HEALTHY for humans to experience romantic and sexual attraction. Just like all animals, it is GOOD that humans NORMALLY experience these things. It's fine if you don't, but don't pretend that it's bad to "normalize" very normal behaviors. Asexuality is a non-oppressed minority that does not require representation in every single post. Trying to take away joy from people who are healthy, normal functioning humans is evil and you need to stop being so narcissistic.

Hello, Anon! Thank you for sharing your opinion. :)

You are right in that it is "normal" for humans for experience romantic and sexual attraction. Around 99% of the population is allosexual and alloromantic.

However, the insinuation that asexuals and aromantics are nonfunctioning and unhealthy is both incorrect and impolite.

Amatonormativity is not the belief that romantic attraction is wrong, it is a term referring to societal assumptions and pressures concerning romance and marriage. To quote Elizabeth Brake, the first person to use this term, amatonormativity refers to "the assumptions that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types."

Skimming over your statement about animals and romantic love, amatonormativity is both real and harmful. Singles researcher Bella DePaulo says, "It’s hurting single people because they’re led to believe that there’s something wrong with them, something wrong with their lives, even if they recognize at some level that they want to be single, and it also hurts married people, and people who want to be coupled, because if they’re in a bad relationship, they still think, If I become single, maybe I’m going to be even more unhappy.”

Amatonormativity affects people who are single, aromantic, polyamorous, or prioritize platonic/familial relationships in their lives.

"It's hard for these categories, because the world around them assumes they will want one type of love and may discriminate against them or make them feel weird or isolated for being 'different,'” says Dr Meg-John Barker, who is a psychotherapist and specialist in gender, sexual, and relationship diversity.

I am not referring to amatonormativity as "'[normalizing]' very normal behaviors," I am referring to it as unhealthy pressures concerning romantic and platonic love.

You are correct, asexuality is a minority. We are not by any means non-oppressed. If you like some more information you can read this post.

I'm not sure where you're getting what the rest of what you're saying. Requiring representation in every post? Feel free to search my blog for the tag "asexual." You know how many posts show up? 6. I have more than 175 posts.

I am not in any way trying to take away joy from alloromantics. Most alloromantics are beautiful, amazing people. What I was doing in saying there was amatonormativity in that post was pointing out exactly how ingrained amatonormativity is in our culture. It's impossible to escape, whether you stay in a fandom or post memes or have a writing blog. There's no way around amatonormativity.

I'm sorry if pointing out things you don't want to know makes me seem evil.

Narcissistic? That seems a bit strong, don't you think? Being involved in issues pertaining to myself is absolutely normal.

I am being no more narcissistic than a gay person indicating heteronormativity in a post.

I am being no more narcissistic than the time I educated my male friend on women's safety.

I am being no more narcissistic than my friends who are not white-passing talking about racism.

It is important to educate society on the issues it has. These issues are real. And we need to address them.

For more information on amatonormativity, see here, here, and here. (These are articles from The Washington Post, BBC, and Psychology Today, respectively.)

[quiet-in-the-wild]

It’s so amazing to learn things about yourself. Like things you already knew but somehow didn’t make connections between. (Or maybe that’s just me unmasking and realizing just how complex and layered it was)

Apparently not everyone feels the same way I do about romance & love which makes me think I’m aromantic.

I personally I’ve always hated romantic plots in anything. I don’t think they add anything and usually just skip over it / uncomfortably ignore it. (There are some exceptions but I feel like I like the aesthetics more than the love aspect)

I’ve never understood the appeal to romantic dates, typical idk displays of affections. It’s always seemed so performative and inauthentic.

But I absolutely love my wife. She’s my best friend, my other half, the only person in the world I would want to spend my life with. I love squishing up next to her to watch tv, or sharing silly or cute photos of things I find. Getting her tiny gifts I know she will love So it gives me some pause. But I feel like it’s just her- you know?

And I think back to our wedding & how the photos of it went all over on tumblr, and how everyone was like so romantic- romance goals, love goals, look at how in love they are… which was honestly so sweet to see but like we planned our wedding just for the aesthetics lol! We love aesthetics. Or at least I do- my wife is more romantic than I am for sure. & maybe it was romantic for her. And that just further accentuates my point because for me it was a beautiful space, and beautiful dresses, and landscape, and our two best friends. Anyway I’m getting off on a tangent

So instinctually, aromantic seems like the right fit.

I’ve always assumed it’s because I was queer and just didn’t like heterosexual romance.

But realizing I’m non-binary & reconstructing my view of gender - even rethinking about my sexuality and deciding I’m not a lesbian & never was. It makes me see that it’s just romantic love that I don’t see the appeal of- I can only see it as hollow and performative.

It also helped me to see that there are people who love being romantic. It’s not performative to them. It’s not something that is unnecessary- it’s central to everything.

Who knows - What I do know is realizing that I’m non-binary & genderfluid has been the best thing. I feel so much more at peace with knowing exactly who I am & not trying to hide or contort it to fit nicely with what is expected of me.

[rainbowjamblog]

A theologian’s thoughts on being gay

Hi guys! It’s your friendly (sometimes angry) neighborhood theologian.

Since it’s an important and hotly debated topic, I want to look at LGBTQIA+ and theology. I’ll start with the LGB part and have another part of TI later, since it’s pretty different topics. I’m not sure yet if I can do a post about being asexual/aromantic; as always, aces/aros seem to be overlooked. I’ll try my best.

 Let’s start with some acknowledgements. Christianity has not been a good place for LGB people for the longest time and until today. A lot of that stems from the surrounding culture (as most European cultures were rather anti-LGB, the same sentiment was true for Christianity), but a. that’s not always true (Ancient Greece is somewhat famous for accepting certain kinds of gay and lesbian relationships) and b. even if it is, that’s only an explanation, not an excuse.

Even today, in many Christian denominations and churches, LGB people are not welcome, outright demonized, hated, threatened, described as ‘abominations’, and cast out. That has resulted in a lot of pain for LGB people. And I am certain (although I have no sources for that) that people have died because of the anti-LGB mindset that Christian churches have created and perpetuated.

This is our shame and our sin. We (as Christians) have to deal with that.

So, let’s look at the problem and also some solutions!

The central problem is that a few verses of the bible clearly condemn homosexuality. In the Hebrew Bible (=Old Testament) we have Leviticus 18,22 and 20,13, which states that a man having sex with another man is an abomination. Now, you can start discussing the details here – a more correct translation would be ‘am man who lies with another man as with a woman’. This might refer only to anal sex, it might be about the ‘subjugation’ of the man who bottoms – but personally, I don’t see how discussing the details really helps. (And personally, I don’t think the idea that this verse actually refers to pedophilia works. Haven’t seen it mentioned in scholarly work, either.)

Let’s look in the NT, then! Surely everything is better with buddy Jesus?

Nope, not necessarily (also, saying the NT is so much better than the OT is quietly but dangerously antisemitic, but that’s a post for another day). In the Gospels, homosexuality isn’t mentioned at all. But in Paul’s letters there are a few verses. Romans 1,26-27 describes ‘sinful people’ who had homosexual sex (both women and men! Yay equal opportunity condemnation?). 1 Corinthians 6,9-11 and 1 Timothy 1,8-11 are also describing ‘arsenokotai’ (which loosely translates as lying-with-men) as something bad. However: here, it is possible that it’s actually about prostitution, and especially about having sex with a slave.

 So: Yes, there are a few verses that are rather unfriendly towards homosexuality or at least against gay sex. But: There are many verses in the Bible with strong opinions. I’m sure you all know by now of such delightful laws as ‘don’t wear garments made of different yarn! (Lev 19,19), or all the laws about purity and sacrifice. No-one keeps those anymore! And in the NewTestament, you have the idea of sharing everything, all your possessions; and of course all those texts about loving thy neighbour.

And *this* is where it gets interesting. The bible is not a monolith. It’s a collection of dozens of books, each with a different outlook! There are contradictions everywhere. So, every person who reads and interprets the bible has to use their own mind. Yes, you can say ‘these three verses are super-duper important and all of christianity hinges on them’. I mean, okay, if god is that fixated about what a few dudes do in bed, seems weird to me, not very powerful nor very loving.

And that’s where my interpretation comes in.

A) There are many, many texts, in both the Old and the New Testament, that call us to love each other (Lev 19.18; Luke 10.27-37; Matthew 5.43-44; John 13.34-35), to help those who need help, to not judge. So, personally, I see this as the center of my faith – and I want this to be the center of Christian faith: to love and accept each other, and to actually practice that love by being there for one another. Throwing people out of our homes or communities is the very opposite of that love. As the Gospel stories show again and again, Jesus condemns those who think they are better than others, those that cast others out, and instead he praises those who take care of others, reaching across cultural borders.

So, if love is my main orientation – how can I then condemn people who are ostracized, victimized, hurt, made to feel less than? That simply makes no sense.

B) A popular workaround I have heard is: “We are all sinners, so I accept homosexual folks and don’t judge, because I am also a sinner.”

Well. It’s way better than being hateful, that’s for sure. But this stance can still hurt a whole lot, because it still adheres to the principle that homosexuality=sin. A sin that can be overlooked, but still a sin. And can you imagine that a central part of you, a part that harms no-one and is in fact no different than heterosexual love (and sex), be defined as a sin? Because, no matter how you define it, a ‘sin’ always means something that’s a problem, something that you should not do, something that brings you further away from God. But if we believe that ‘God has created each of us in the womb’ (Psalm 139:13), how can we say that parts of that are fundamentally sinful? (Yeah, yeah, original sin, but that’s a different topic for another day; let’s just say there are different ways to think about that, too.) And, again, what do we prefer: following the teachings of love and acceptance, or concentrating on a few verses?

(source: Nakedpastor; he’s on facebook and insta and has a website)

C) Finally: The Biblical texts are very old, between 2.000 and 3.000 years old. They were written in societies that were fundamentally different from ours today. Relationships were different. Homosexuality the way it is understood today was hardly a topic back then, at least in that reagion (yes, I know about the two Egyptian men who were buried together, but nothing like that has been found in Israel/Palestine) because sex and marriage were practical concerns – having children, keeping the family line, that sort of thing. The people back then wrote down their experiences with God, and their understanding of a good society. It’s our job to try and understand their intent, and extrapolate from that.

By the way: This take isn’t that unusual! Lots of churches have learned to treat homo- and heterosexuals equally. I know LGB pastors and bishops, there are Christian LGB weddings and so on. And – maybe the coolest: When the Pope lately said something regrettably awful against LGB people, many Catholics in Germany (where I live) protested loudly; instead of following suit, they fly rainbow flags, hold blessing ceremonies for LGB couples, and wrote very clear, critical statements, risking their jobs. *That’s* what I think the church should be.

  Tl;dr: You have to choose yourself on what parts of the biblical message and ideas you want to focus: love one another? Or focus on a few stray verses. Also, using your brain when reading the Bible is very much recommended.

And to any lesbian, gay, bi people out there who are feeling hurt by the church: I am so, so sorry. They are doing you wrong. I’m certain that you are loved by God, just as you are, and that you are worthy of love, just as you are. Your sexual orientation is *not* a sin. Never has been. And anyone who tells you otherwise hasn’t understood what it means to be a Christian.

[aro-culture-is]

hey so. i'm aroace and i've been curious about the loveless aro thing. i hold my friends close but i'm not sure if i really 'love' them or anything? the only people i truly 'love' are my mum n dad. i sometimes say 'i love you' to fictional characters (like toothless who owns my life) but i'm not sure if it counts, i rarely can say 'i love you' to my friends for some reason?

hi! i’m not exactly sure what your question is, but i’ll do my best to ramble in a direction i hope will help. this is the loveless mod, mod kee.

i personally struggle to define love and i find it hard to separate love as a word from the intense negative connotations i assign it due to amatonormativity. i’ve determined that while i could say that i’m perpetually questioning what love is and thus can’t really say if i “love” my friends, i just don’t like the word itself and i’d rather not use it.

i personally would say that i love my siblings, and i’ll say that i love fictional characters but i think that’s the ND (hyperfixation? special interest? who knows depends what i got and idk) in me and not actually “loving” them.

several of my friends say the phrase “i love you” to me and i’ve found that it feels... very much incongruous to say it back. i don’t like it. at best, it feels not unlike wearing an outfit that emphasizes everything i’m dysphoric about while being particularly dysphoric. overall, 0/10 would not recommend.

so... idk if any of this helps, but as per usual: i strongly prefer to define loveless by the rejection of love as a central figure rather than feeling it not at all. similar to how the label aromantic is also welcome to those who experience limited attraction, I think loveless is open-ended and up to your own interpretation.

- mod kee

disclaimer under readmore

Hi, I'm an internet stranger. I am one person. I will speak from my personal perspective. I happen to be more visible in the aro community than some, and this puts me in a unique position where I am asked many types of questions. I will do my best, but I am not representative of all aromantic people, or even my specific identities of non-sam or loveless. Sometimes, I might say something and later disagree with that stance. Treat me as the unqualified stranger I am.

[gffa]

Hi!  I went through a similar phase as several of you--I never really connected the dots between my own aro/ace qualities and my gravitating towards the Jedi culture until someone else pointed it out and then everything just sort of clicked together in my head in a way that made so much sense. And I think it can be really useful to view the Jedi through this lens of aro/ace culture, not because people are obligated to agree to this interpretation (they absolutely are not obligated to do so!) but because it provides a framework of reference for why not being drawn to romance and/or sex is not a foundational flaw in characters.  That there might even be an entire group of people who find that to be really satisfying and fulfilling--I mean, look at how many people gravitated to this discussion (or were already here) in just one day on one person’s blog on one social media platform.  It’s not hard at all for me to think, yeah, I’m looking at us building aro/ace culture of our own, it’d be easy for an in-universe group of people to do the same, and the lack of romance and/or sex wouldn’t be them suppressing their feelings or lacking something fundamental about the human condition, either. That’s part of why the Jedi mean a lot to me--there are other things as well, I greatly value their “face the shit within yourself, acknowledge that shit, and then let that shit go, because holding onto it is poison that will hurt you”, as someone who came to the same conclusions long before I was ever a Star Wars fan.  I love the worldbuilding, I love the psychic space wizards aspects, I love how goddamned extra they are about everything, etc. But a culture that not only doesn’t prioritize romance/sex, but actively values other things and finds meaning in those things?  That we see they have friendships and connections all over the place, that they find joy and meaning in teaching their students (and learning from their students, just as much as they teach them), that they find joy in helping others and protecting others, that they love through different ways, that they love the galaxy around them, they love their brothers and sisters in the Force, that they love their community and their culture?  That they just don’t seem to really want love and romance? Even those that do feel romantic feelings (setting Anakin aside, of course) still find the Jedi path to be a fulfilling one.  Obi-Wan may have had romantic feelings for Satine (which was apparently fine, it’s about his commitment and where he places it, I’m pretty sure that was the whole point of the Obi-Wan/Satine relationship, to be a narrative foil for Anakin/Padme, where Anakin does prioritize his feelings for Padme over his morals and judgement, which results in disaster of epic proportions) but he is a fully realized character without them.  He loves--we see that with Qui-Gon, Ahsoka, Luke, Anakin--that he cares deeply, that he’s a compassionate person, that he lives a life that he considers satisfying.  He becomes a Force Ghost and we can see him looking out over Endor, at the things that have finally been set back to rights, and he’s happy. Even within canon, the Jedi that feel restless and like something is wrong in this galaxy, they’re not restless because they want romance/sex, but because they want to do more as Jedi.  They want to help more people, they want to do more good in the galaxy, and do you know how much that means to me?  That even those who are dissatisfied (setting aside those that leave the Jedi Order because they want to have romantic relationships, which are treated warmly by the Order and by the people who left, like Tula’s grandmother) don’t have to be shoved back into the same box so many mainstream properties shove the characters into?  That it’s not about how, oh, they want traditional nuclear families, but instead that they want MORE of what the Jedi are--more love as shown through service to others, more love as shown through helping others. Do you know what a relief it is to have a group of people who find fulfillment in the same kind of things that I do?  Friendships and helping others and learning/teaching about the galaxy around them and self-reflection/understanding and accomplishments the like?  That these are treated, not just as valuable, not even just as valuable, but more valuable to these specific people?  Without demonizing that they’re totally cool with other people wanting romantic love?  DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MEANS TO ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS THAT THE JEDI DON’T REALLY SEEM INTERESTED IN ROMANCE OR SEX AND INSTEAD FIND SATISFACTION IN OTHER THINGS?  THAT IT’S NOT ABOUT SUPPRESSING YOURSELF, BUT THAT PEOPLE SOMETIMES JUST REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT THOSE THINGS.  SOMETIMES EVEN LARGE GROUPS OF PEOPLE. That the Jedi aren’t just “hey, this one Jedi can be read as aro/ace, that’s neat” but instead the Jedi said, “Hey, how about an ENTIRE CULTURE that vibes hard with aro/ace culture?”  That it’s the one mainstream culture that I can think of that really can be interpreted to say, “You’re not just an outlier, but YOU’RE THE NORM in this fictional society.”  Do you know what kind of value that has to me, as someone who only has the tiniest scraps of representation for this character or that character who maybe might be like me, but are rarely confirmed and are almost always The Different One?  Do you know what kind of value it has to me that it’s not just one or two of them, but that THE CULTURE ITSELF is where I would fit in?  That they built an entire society where nearly all of them seem to be Like Me? AN ENTIRE SOCIETY OF PEOPLE I WOULD FIT IN WITH? Which isn’t even getting into the worldbuilding specifics that are so much fun to play with--like, can you imagine what it would be like to have this psychic connection to this vast field of energy in the cosmos?  To be able to sense the feelings of others around you, to feel their presence even when they’re halfway across the galaxy, to just know what they’re feeling?  To be constantly surrounded by the lights of those souls that are gently nudging up against your own?  The warmth and peace of the Jedi Temple that isn’t just what you see/hear/touch, but also what permeates your very thoughts, the soothing balm on your soul that it would be? Can you imagine what it would be like to have this in your head all the time?

A familiar sense of warmth, of belonging, of finding himself part of an endless lattice of connections that held him and everything else, each fixed in its proper place.  A Force. Romance and sex can be wonderful.  But they are not the sole defining qualities of what it means to be sentient or what it means to be fulfilled.  The Force being described as an endless lattice of connections and warmth, that sounds incredibly wonderful and human to me, that sounds incredibly fulfilling and like everything I could possibly want. That is what the Jedi seek and have found.  That is the foundation of their culture.  That is the culmination of their lives. This is why their relationships are so wonderful and I’m so glad that the iconic Jedi relationships, whether we as fans turn towards shipping them or not, whether we joke about how much you can read into them or not, are ones that are all about other aspects that are just as epic and important. Obi-Wan’s most iconic relationships are with Luke, Anakin, Qui-Gon, Ahsoka.  They’re all incredible ones and it’s not to disparage his feelings for Satine (I love them as a pairing, too!), but that his character is defined more by familial and platonic relationships being just as galaxy-shaking as romantic ones might have been in another story?  That means a lot to me. Anakin is, of course, driven by his romantic relationship with Padme, but think about how important his relationships with Obi-Wan and Ahsoka are, ones that don’t have to be seen through the lens of romance.  That the ultimate climax of the prequels was Anakin’s fight with Obi-Wan, a familial connection.  That the ultimate climax of TCW was about Ahsoka’s relationship with Anakin, another familial/platonic connection. Ahsoka is a rising star in the SW franchise and her most iconic connections are with Anakin and Rex, both of which do not have to be interpreted through the romantic/sexual lens, that are complete just as they are presented.  That even when she can no longer be a Jedi, even when that possibility is stolen from her, she still doesn’t need to be defined through romance or sex. Yoda has many important, iconic relationships and is such a central character to the mythos and mythology of Star Wars.  His relationship with Luke is one of the most foundational of the OT, his relationship with Obi-Wan is important when you dig further into the supplementary material, his relationship with Anakin creates some of the most memorable scenes of the prequels.  All without ever having him desire a girlfriend.  Hell, the movies had Yaddle right there and you know what?  She wasn’t Yoda’s girlfriend, he wasn’t her boyfriend, that’s not what they were to each other, because they didn’t really seem to have any desire for that. THAT’S ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE THE JEDI.  They show compassion and care and love all over the place, but they do it through George Lucas’ views on how people should strive to be, and they do it not through romance, but through friendship and helping others and seeking greater understanding of self-knowledge and artistry through the Force, and none of that should ever make them lesser, just as aromantic and asexual people seeking those same things does not make them lesser. We are people who love just as much as anyone else, we have fulfilling and wonderful lives, I don’t know any aro/ace person who would really even want to change themselves, we find ourselves to be perfectly fantastic the way we are.  I don’t feel some part of me is missing, I don’t feel I’m less interesting because I’m aro/ace, I love being the way I am.  I love how much my friends and family mean to me, I love how much joy I get out of caring for animals or helping other people or even simply yelling about Star Wars with them.  My connections to people are just as wonderful as anyone else’s, regardless of how they’re not in the romantic/sexual category. And, so too are the Jedi.

[intearsaboutrobots]

legally blonde (the musical) elle ships, as ranked by me:

elle/emmett (romantic): i am a bitter aro and kind of hard to impress wrt romance. THAT BEING SAID, i think they are a cute couple and they have good chemistry and the dept store scene does a lot of work here to get me invested.

rating: 8/10 “what’s that smell?” “love.... by calvin klein”

elle&emmett (qp): they never kiss or anything pre-time-skip so you legally cannot PROVE that their relationship is romo!! as a teen my fav thing abt this musical is that theyre kind of just best friends the whole time and like. yeah i was right. 16 yr old me knew wtf e was abt. this was absolutely formative and turned me aromantic.

rating: 100000/10 “guess you never can tell with little miss woods comma elle”

elle/vivian: so fucking good. let warner’s exes unionise. vivian staring directly at elle when she accepts warner’s proposal is for sure the behaviour of someone 0% attracted to the man proposing and definitely attracted to his ex.

rating: 9.5/10 “all that pink you’re wearing? is that even legal”

elle/enid: l o o k enid is in the harvard variations, shes supposed to be part of the harvard in-group as like contrast to elle. but also a professor mocks her for being gay in her First Class and so like maybe posturing her and elle as allies in different but not unrelated boats is like... better?

also i like the “chip on my shoulder“ dynamic but its two peers studying together instead of the TA or w/e (dont get me started on wtf emmett’s job is in this musical) And i think they could b a genuinely good pair and give each other some new perspectives on the world (in this context elle bringing up gloria steinem at the “costume” party is like also a callback to a convo betw her and enid earlier!!! guys it WORKS).

then they kiss.

rating: 10/10 “us girls have to stick together”

enid/elle&emmett: so first of all im very weak to this ship format, renardroi on ao3 has a gr9 w359 fic thats kepler/jacobi&maxwell and like, YES. its all the benefits of the ships alone combined!

it also cuts the like kind-of-weird-if-u-think-abt-it-too-much thing of her studying w the TA all the time by having a peer involved and emmett not like, so central, BUT it means we still get TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, UNCHANGED, bc i love that sONG and its VERY TRANS, ACTUALLY- (im forcefully dragged off stage bc thats a different post)

rating: 15/10 “you've got your future all planned, what if i’m standing there too”

elle/kate: kate, for those of u that somehow dont remember (/j she is so minor), is the girl who tutors elle for the LSAT and gets told off for chewing gum.

so FIRST of all, im very invested in learning more abt kate bc she obvs sticks out in the sorority and like it makes me wonder why shes there? she doesnt seem to be getting the same things out of it that everyone else is, like, what are her motivations yk.

also consider what if a like accelerated adapted riff on the elle/emmett romance happens over the time elle is studying for the LSAT.. im just saying i bet her and kate were pulling all-nighters... kate falls asleep on the couch in elle’s room and elle puts a pillow under her head and like puts a blanket over her.......... kate is gay and like not not-out but its not a thing she brings up unprompted usually and like shes like oh my godd i cant believe i hav a crush on a straight girl riP and elle’s like i am straight and also kates hair looks so soft and i want to run my fingers thru it. she asks kate Defs not jealously if she has a boyfriend and kate blinks and is like ...im a lesbian? and elle blinks and is like. oh! right! for sure! and isnt freaking out at all.

GOD

rating: 200/10 “what you want is right in front of you”

[thealphabetmurders]

Hello all and welcome to my first Social Media AU!!! This is gonna be a lot of fun and I am already super invested in the lives of everyone. 

This is basically a college AU where these unlikely people meet in their college’s LGBT+ society and shenanigans ensue. There is gonna be angst, love, and lots of tweets. I have more information about everyone in the undercut, big shout out to my Discord for encouraging me also @absent-alexjay​ and @taakos-haat​ for helping me!

Introduction - Next 

Romulus de la Vega: cis male, pansexual, sophmore, 21 years old. Theater major with an English minor. Goes by Roman.

Patton Kim: genderfluid, queer, freshman, 25 years old. Education major with a French minor, wants to teach English as a second language abroad.

Logan Ndao: cis male, gay, senior, 21 years old. Double major in chemical engineering and astrophysics.

Virgil Agathangelou: agender, bisexual, sophmore, 20 years old. Creative writing major with a journalism minor.

Devashish Malik: cis male, gay, junior, 22 years old. Pre-law major with a minor in sociology. Goes by Dee.

Remus de la Vega: cis male, aromantic pansexual, sophmore, 21 years old. Psychology major with an emphasis on abnormal psychology with a creative writing minor.

All of the people attend the University of Central Chicago (or UCC) After Remus and Virgil had a bunch of classes together their freshman year, they became best friends and roommates. Remus the firecracker and Virgil the one who is trying to hold him back. Dozens of TikToks of Remus’ have gone viral and he has been dubbed “tiktok famous”. Over the summer, Remus figured out he is aromantic, and want to attend the LGBT society meeting to find a community and figure out more about his new orientation. 

Logan is finishing up his senior year this year, graduating early and is tutoring people in his off-hours, one of those people being Roman. Roman is helplessly attracted to Logan, who has no idea and just continues to lecture Roman about actually doing his homework. 

This is Patton’s second year back at school, choosing not to go after high school due to personal reasons which then lead to a personal tragedy (which he does not like to discuss). He is the president of the LGBT society and wants to make it great and actually plan events unlike in years past of the society’s history. 

Dee is a person who wants to figure out everything about everyone, so in his second year as a member of the LGBT society, he wants to know everything he can about everyone,  and accidentally uncovering the secret that Patton refuses to talk about. After learning it, he does everything in his power to make sure Patton has everything he needs to make the club succeed, even if it is not in the most ethical of ways. He is also participating in the school’s production of West Side Story, where he has taken a special interest in the man who plays Bernardo.   

[marawrder]

          in this post i will be laying out all information regarding sirius’ romantic orientation, experience with and general stance towards romance. i will also take position in regards to popular ship dynamics and general pointers on shipping with this muse.

          too long; don’t wanna read: sirius is aromantic, wolfstar ehhh perhaps BUT!, and i don’t really plan on romantically shipping him with anyone. sorry!

          romantic orientation           sirius is grey aromantic, but on the furthest side of the spectrum. in his canon time-line, he wouldn’t and doesn’t fall in love. for him to do so, it’d require an incredibly close bond, and if there’s ever a person who reaches that the level of closeness and trust it needs to be up there with the bond he has with james. it doesn’t have to be as soulmate-y, james and sirius really are on the exact same wavelength, but just as open and codependent, sort of. the problem is: in his main verse, sirius would never ever have let anyone as close to him as james, because of the circumstances and because he doesn’t want to. that’s why james would be the only person he could theoretically develop feelings for. which he doesn’t because that is his brother.           experience           the only experience sirius has with romance is therefore from seeing it between others. he didn’t exactly grow up in a loving household, but that is not to claim that orion and walburga didn’t love each other. sirius just didn’t see it, and especially when he got to an age where falling in love is something more people think about, he was already getting estranged from his parents and, partially out of spite, thought of them to be unable to feel love in the first place. but sirius doesn’t get it, at least not in the way his friends talk about it. this is not just because of his orientation, but sirius, in general, is oftentimes very oblivious to other people’s feelings. he’s not very empathic, and if he cannot relate other people’s feelings to his own… well… then he just doesn’t understand at all. and sometimes that also means that he doesn’t accept them.           what really makes him understand is seeing james and lily fall in love, and even that, for him, is a process. of course there probably instances around him of people feeling romantic, but it either — given the age — wasn’t too serious or fully-fledged, or it wasn’t too close to him for him to actually witness it. because sirius didn’t really care for it, at all, and he made sure to proclaim so several times, even when he didn’t know what he was talking about.

          watching the person he was closest to fall in love, though, changed that. at first, he was highly skeptical. well, at the very first, he thought it was a joke, that the way they acted was somehow planned because he didn’t get how that just happened to someone. but when it became clear that they weren’t just acting like that because, stereotypically, people “ in love ” acted a certain way, he realized, and he didn’t like it. when james and lily started a relationship, he wasn’t entirely on board, because while lily is cool in theory and he does wish his mate all the best, it feels like james is trying to replace him. for sirius, what he feels for james is really as far as it goes when it comes to caring for someone, and he thought that that’s mutual. he doesn’t get how there’s suddenly “ more ” for lily. it takes him a while to come to terms with the fact that this is something different entirely, that james is still his family and, by extension, so is lily. it also shows him what romantic love looks like, and that it’s nothing he’s felt before or can imagine himself feeling.           stance towards romance           depending on when you ask sirius, his answers will of course differ, but for the longest time, he thought it was a hoax. not as in — nobody ever felt romantic love, he certainly knew it existed and thought it would even befall him someday, but the way it was portrayed by books and songs and all that? it sounded like it was too exaggerated for actual, real-life people to behave like that. this certainly is not due to his own orientation, but because in his immediate environment, love between a husband and a wife was not put on display and certainly not treated as a prerequisite for marriage. the whole idea of romanticism was treated like a dime novel concept, nothing practical or applicable.

          sirius believes in love. he has seen and felt it, familial love, platonic love, close kinship with people he hasn’t even known for that long. but he has no reference, no connection to romantic love. he’s never experienced it, he’s never really wanted to experience it. but above all, he is not very empathetic at all. if he has no reference, he doesn’t understand it in others, and therefore he doesn’t take it seriously. this can and has lead to him offending and hurting his friends when he invalidates their feelings, especially in his phase of antagonizing lily when she and james clearly expressed romantic interest in each other. it’s something he has learned from and afterward isn‘t proud of, and thanks to them he learns to understand about true romantic love, but it’s something takes most of his normal life to process. later, he has more time to reflect, but it’s not a good time.

          on wolfstar           i want to note that i do not ship wolfstar, at least not off the bat. this has to do with the interpretation of fanon, in which sirius and remus fall in love at 15 and are inseparable ever since, they share chocolate and fight about who’s the bottom. as you may know, i hate fanon with a burning passion, and above all, i hate how one of the central points of sirius’ characterization has become his being in love with remus. secondly, my personal interpretation and prioritization of canon information is rather different from wolfstar interpretations, even the non-fanon ones i have seen. in his canon timeline, sirius and remus begin harbouring deep distrust towards each other, causing them to suspect each other to be the traitor. i also do not believe that the “ prank ” sirius played on snape, in which he purposefully led snape to find remus on a full moon, who might’ve killed him if it wasn’t for james’ intervention, is something they could just move past so easily. even if remus does forgive sirius, for sirius it’s still something that’ll stand between them. i do not believe that this is an atmosphere in which romantic feelings could arise for anyone, let alone someone like sirius.

          that being said, just because i don’t support widespread ideas regarding sirius x remus, or do not ship them in a canon timeline, this doesn’t mean that i am completely opposed to the idea! i just personally believe that the circumstances have to be very, very different for them to be able to trust each other, and deeply enough for it to end in something romantic. i do not have a specific idea of how that should go, but i am always willing to explore a plot!

          on other dynamics           there are a few other popular ship dynamics in fanon that i don’t quite understand, specifically when they involve characters such as marlene, dorcas, or mary, who have been mentioned within perhaps two lines. obviously, i do not believe in lumping together all these different interpretations of one character, and i will not assume chemistry off the bat. in fact, i usually actually assume the opposite, because most of these characters are self-respecting women and sirius behaves, most of the time, like a full-on asshole — but that’s besides the point. as stated before, i really do not see a way in his canon timeline for him to get close enough to someone other than the marauders. and sirius doesn’t do crushes. that is not just because it takes a lot for him to develop romantic attraction, he’s also just an all or nothing kinda guy. therefore, the only thing that really applies to this type of dynamics is chemistry and lots and lots of plotting and development.

          on james/sirius           in my previous analysis, i might’ve suggested that james would be the one person sirius would fall in love with, but that… really isn’t it, either. quite frankly, things would have to go horribly wrong for them to end up together, or it might even be impossible, because james' trust and friendship are what shape sirius as a person and them being family is essential to his development. and no, despite being purebloods, you just don’t date family.

[aro-ace-advice]

So I have mostly figured out the asexual part but it’s really complicated to me to figure out the romantic part, like I don’t know if what I think that were crushes were indeed crushes or that’s what I would like to think. It gets a loooot more difficult because I am a hopeless romantic and I LOVE reading fluff stories and they make me want a romantic relationship, that “want” only lasts for a few minutes (or it’s only that moment and then I move on). I had only one boyfriend (I’m 18 btw) when I was 9yo and our “relationship” ended when we were 12 I think? I wouldn’t call it a relationship because we barely talked to each other (I was shy around him) and I only gave him a peck because we were playing a game with my classmates, also I thought that it was the best when he was away of me¿? Idk. Also when I was older I had like only two (or one) crushes in boys that I didn’t meet and maybe other five (less than 5 but I love lying to me, sorry) in people that I met but I didn’t want a romantic relationship with them, maybe I thought that I would like to date them but if we didn’t that was okay too. But I never had a physical response to crushes, like you are supposed to feel butterflies in your stomach and all of that right? I only thought about two of them randomly and that I would date them but I never did sth to date them. Also I would avoid dating with sb because I was reaaaally busy with school (I literally slept when I was free and saw my friends rarely out of school so that was a excuse) and if sb said that they were interested in me I would literally run away, like I would be like “whyyyy, why did I do to caught your attention??? stop liking me please” then I would crave for affection and cry because I wanted a partner to cuddle lol. I may use the greyromantic term because I think that I may have felt romantic attraction but I am not sure if I have felt it or not.

It would really help me to talk with someone on the aromantic spectrum to figure out about this. Lastly, English isn’t my first language so that would be the why sth isn’t well explained here, thanks<3

ree says: hi there :) don’t worry about your english, you explained everything just fine! gosh, i totally understand how you feel! the romantic aspect of sexuality is SO CONFUSING. i also really love romances in tv and books and fanfiction and felt that want for a romantic relationship, so much so that i bounced from straight to bi to pan to lesbian before i was even willing to consider aromantic. i was always like “but i can’t be aro, i want to be in a romantic relationship!!” which isn’t exactly how it works.

i think part of the problem that makes it so hard for some people like you and i to find a label and define our own feelings towards romance is heteronormativity, which is essentially the idea that being cishet and wanting romantic / sexual intimacy is the only way to be.

for anyone reading this who hasn’t heard of this term and isn’t sure quite what i’m talking about, take the nuclear family as an example. so much of society (western in particular) is based around the general idea that a family consists primarily, if not completely, of a cisgender man and a cisgender woman and their eventual kids, and occasionally a grandparent if they’re feeling quirky (which is dumb. a family can be any group of people, blood-related or not). we’re taught by society basically from birth that couples are The Most Important Thing Ever and if you don’t wanna end up Alone, you need to find someone of the opposite gender to fall in love with Or Else!!

this can be extremely alienating if you fit into any category besides cishet, or even if you’re just not that keen on that kind of partnership. romance is such a central idea to so many societies that i think a lot of aro people have trouble identifying their lack of romantic feelings. like, we’re taught that a boy being mean to a girl in gradeschool is because he has a crush on her instead of him just being rude, and we’ve come to expect that when a man and a woman make eye contact for longer than 4 seconds on TV that they’re in love or at least attracted to each other. it’s everywhere. and it’s like, when romantic subtext is apparently in everything to some people, and they feel it all the time, we go “i guess i feel this thing, since everybody else seems to?” and it’s a little confusing, but we go along with it and just assume that it’s there since it seems to be so prevalent literally everywhere.

it took me 4 different romantic relationships to realize that i don’t like romantic things. i don’t want to be with someone romantically, i don’t like holding hands or cuddling or kissing or hanging out with people in situations with romantic subtext. i don’t want any of it and whether or not i would be okay with participating in those things depends entirely on who i would be doing it with. however, i do want to have a partner someday, someone to share my life with, who will hold me when i cry and give me a kiss on the cheek when they leave for work! i want to be someone’s most important person, without all that romantic stuff. but since the only intimate partnerships we see in most mainstream media where any of that happens is when a cis man and a cis woman fall in romantic love, it becomes clear fairly quickly to any queer person that what we want is Not Normal, and occasionally feels unattainable and impossible.

it’s also easy to get confused with what you really want when you don’t see any accurate examples of your own feelings around, which is why queer representation is so important. when the primary examples of intimacy you see are romantic, it’s understandable to assume that when you want someone who prioritizes you in a similar way, you’re wanting a romantic relationship, even if the romance aspect makes you feel uncomfortable, or when you really think about it or are offered the chance to be in a romantic relationship you don’t want to do it.

my point is, you can want the same things that happen in romantic relationships without ever feeling romantic feelings towards someone or wanting that dynamic. you can want a partnership without the romantic aspects. and it’s not unattainable or impossible, it just isn’t shown very often in media. humans existed for millennia before the concept of a nuclear family was born. we weren’t always queerphobic and transphobic. it is possible to find the kind of relationship you want with another person on your terms, no matter what those terms are, as long as you communicate with them about your needs!

tl;dr you can have or want intimate relationships with other people and still be aromantic or somewhere on the spectrum.

some additional info: i’ve seen some aro people use the term queerplatonic to describe the kind of relationship they want, and squishes to describe a non-romantic crush, or platonic attraction. i’ve never personally felt like they fit me, but they’re good terms and i’ll give ya some links to basic definitions of them and if they feel right to you, i would recommend continuing to look into them! link to queerplatonic (aromantics wiki) link to queerplatonic (lgbta wiki) link to platonic attraction (squishes)

as to the physical response to crushes– i’m aroace (have i mentioned that enough yet?), and i’ve never experienced it before either. i get like swoopy nerves when i’m around people i think are cool, and i used to think those were butterflies, but it feels really similar to how it feels when i get an intrusive thought or something gives me anxiety, so… take that how you will, i guess. ultimately i think being aromantic is more than just any physical responses you get to people, but every aro person is different, and how i feel about that sort of thing is definitely not necessarily how every aro person feels.

feel free to message again if you wanna talk more about aro stuff!! :)