#binge eating disorder treatment

[teddybear-heart]

About Me

I thought it might be a good idea to make a self-introduction post for a little more context into who I am and how this eating disorder affects me.

Online, I go by TeddyBearHeart, or just “Teddy” for short. This is obviously not my real name, as I still wish to remain anonymous. However, I will share how I got this name: the love of my life was sharing a dream about how he had dreamt that we were in a scary situation and I had said “my little teddy bear heart can’t handle all this” and it was so on-par with how I talk that we adopted its use into our waking life.

I am 24 years old, as of writing this in January 2023, and I live in southeast Wisconsin. I work a 12 hour night shift job as a EMS dispatcher.

I grew up in Kansas with a big adoptive family that became a broken home. Shortly after graduating high school, I was kicked out by my adoptive mother and struggled with homelessness for months. My first jobs were in fast food before I landed a job in healthcare, and I had stayed in the spare room of a kind stranger (not recommended!) before meeting the love of my life and moving in with him.

Just before the COVID-19 pandemic struck, we we able to move up here to Wisconsin. I struggled to find work, but happened to meet an EMS manager through one of the odd jobs I had taken at a bakery who liked me so much she gave me a recommendation to get me hired.

I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder on January 10, 2023 after being referred to a dietician to be put on a GERD diet for gastrointestinal issues. During the routine questioning about my eating habits, my dietician discovered a disturbing pattern that had been lying undetected since my childhood. Honestly, I can’t even say I was surprised when she told me, because I had known something had been wrong for a long time.

In addition to the eating disorder, I was at the highest weight I had ever been in my life. At only 5’3.5” tall, I was an entire 290.6 lbs with an estimated body fat percentage of 50% or higher. I did not feel healthy, I was not comfortable in my body, and the added weight exacerbated my pre-existing asthma.

Due to the “fat acceptance” movement and overwhelming diet culture, it was impossible to get anyone to take me seriously when I said I wanted to lose weight because I wasn’t feeling right. I feel like I had begged my PCP for resources and assistance in losing weight, but I had been told I “looked fine”.

Now that my eating disorder has been diagnosed and is being addressed, I feel much more confident that something is going to change.

[ovaruling]

maybe a hot take but please don’t have or stop having children if you have an active eating disorder/body dysmorphia (including binge eating, not just restrictive disorders). seriously

thinking you’ll be the exception (because you’re So self-aware, unlike those Other disordered women) and won’t give your dysmorphia/eating disorder to your child is pride before a very slow and terrible fall

it never ever works. you’re never ever immune. i mean, such a huge reason of why there are so many of us now is bc our moms thought the same thing lmfao. didn’t matter how well-intentioned they were. no matter how much they tried to separate Their Problems from Ours. here we fucking are

i know it’s not women’s fault to begin with, but the reality is that those of us affected do incubate, nurture, and pass on the virus in the Current Way of Things

the buck needs to stop here. this isn’t a game. think of all the things your mother probably thought she was expertly hiding from you that you still picked up on and were profoundly affected by in a terrible and formative way. it will happen to you, too. don’t think it won’t.

if you know that you’re not solidly and confidently recovered, you have a responsibility to stop that buck and not actively attempt to create a child who will observe, mimic, internalize, adopt, and inherit your lifelong life-ruining behavior. the selfishness is breathtaking honestly

[edrecoveryprobs]

When someone finally visits you in residential/inpatient

[pollenallergie]

:/

[antichristangelbabes]

Just submitted some inquiries for ED treatment :(

[howdyhuman-forall]

From Shame to Recovery: Navigating the Emotional Journey of Binge Eating

From Mindless to Mindful: Strategies for Managing Binge Eating Triggers

Binge eating is a complex and serious eating disorder that affects millions of people worldwide. It is characterized by consuming large quantities of food in a relatively short period, accompanied by a sense of loss of control. In this blog post, we will delve into the causes, effects, and available treatment options for binge eating. Causes of Binge Eating: Binge eating can stem from various…

[teddybear-heart]

About This Blog

This is my personal blog to share my experiences in recovering from a mental illness known as Binge Eating Disorder (BED).

That being said, this is an eating disorder recovery blog, and therefore might be triggering to some people.

However, with as little literature as I can find about the nitty-gritty of recovering from this fairly obscure eating disorder, I thought it would be important to share my experiences on a public forum so that they may help someone else when they feel isolated or maybe even give guidance to someone who cannot afford treatment.

With Tumblr ultimately being a social media site, I understand that people may wish to comment, ask questions, or otherwise interact with this blog. I welcome this, as I believe open conversations lead to understanding, but I will not engage with blatant harassment. I ask others to follow my example in this and do not feed the trolls.

To anyone suffering with a restrictive eating disorder who may happen upon this blog, please be aware that due to the nature of my eating disorder, weight loss will eventually be a part of my recovery. I will do my best to tag any posts with such a trigger warning, but peruse this blog at your own risk.

In closing, please understand that the purpose of this blog is not to promote eating disorders as lifestyle choices, look down on anyone for having an eating disorder, enable diet culture, give medical advice, or shame anyone for their weight or eating habits.

[samarpanhealth]

Eating disorders are complex conditions that can have serious physical and emotional consequences if left untreated. Samarpan offers eating disorders treatment in Mumbai. Eating disorders treatment typically involves a multidisciplinary approach that addresses the physical, psychological, and emotional aspects of the condition. In addition to therapy, a registered dietitian can help patients develop a healthy eating plan and address any nutritional deficiencies. Get a confidential consultation.

[queertransetc]

- ED trigger warning -

Being skinny ruined my life. If you’re thin and think to yourself, “why don’t fat people just lose weight?” Please read this

I was the “ideal fat” in the sense that I did everything skinny people wanted me to do. I tried every diet in the book. I exercised regularly. I worked with doctors and dietitians to figure out the best way to lose weight. But nothing worked. I did everything “right” to lose weight, and my weight stayed the same

But the thin people in my life kept telling me that I wouldn’t be happy, attractive, healthy, etc. until I lost weight. So, heartbroken, I came to the conclusion that anorexia was the only option left. It felt safer than bariatric surgery, and was obviously much more affordable

I became the perfect anorexic. 700 cal a day or less, except once a week I allowed myself 1400 cal. For reference, my body required at least 2800 to maintain weight, and at least 1800 to keep my organs and stuff fully functioning. Still, 700 a day, I persisted because everyone in my life told me weight loss was all that mattered. If dieting didn’t work, anorexia had to

And it did. My weight dropped all the way down to 110 pounds. I was skinny - underweight, even - in all sense of the word. The people in my life saw it as a miracle. The ultimate success story. My mother, my “friends,” my doctors, they all congratulated me on my accomplishment

When I confessed my eating disorder to my doctor, he told me, “that’s not the best way to go about it, but I’m glad you lost the weight.” My mother took pictures of me and sent them to relatives to brag

Okay, great. I was skinny. I did what I set out to do. But there were severe consequences

The most obvious was my joint pain doubled, maybe even tripled, to the point that I couldn’t leave the house without a wheelchair

I also developed several health complications, including fatty liver disease and extremely painful GERD. I had to see a handful of specialists and get an endoscopy because of severe stomach pain

My partner, who was the only person who saw my weight loss for what it was (a horrible thing that only happened because of an eating disorder), convinced me to enter a recovery program

For nearly a year, I relearned how to feed myself. I ate everything I was told to eat, nothing more and nothing less. My diet was 100% in the hands of somebody else

And I gained back every pound I has lost. All of the work to become thin went right out the window. It was proven to me that thinness and health were incompatible with my body. If I wanted to be thin, I had to forgo my physical and mental well-being. And vise-versa

Prior to the anorexia, I never once struggled with binge eating. I was naturally an intuitive eater, and I did a good job of having a well rounded diet. After the anorexia, after recovery, I developed a binge eating disorder. I had spent so long starving myself, that my brain and body got stuck in survival mode, desperate to consume any and all calories out of fear that I might starve again. To this day I struggle with binge eating

I did everything thin people wanted of me. I dieted. I exercised. And when all else failed, I starved myself. Now I have liver disease, stomach issues, and BED. Not to mention the loads of mental issues that accumulated as a result of my weight loss journey. During the throes of my anorexia, I had to be hospitalized for suicidal ideation

When you tell fat people to “just lose weight” you are suggesting they give themselves illnesses for which treatments are not always effective. You are asking fat people to destroy their stomachs and livers. When a fat person loses so much weight that they become skinny, they are likely giving up so much of their health in efforts to be treated like a human being

If you’re thin, do your part. Treat fat people like people before we tear our bodies apart

[annaandmiah]

ED MEDIA

MOVIES

★ little miss perfect ★

an overambitious high school freshman tries to control her life by controlling her weight.

➜ watch on soap2day

★ starving in suburbia ★

17-year-old Hannah joins a dangerous “thinspiration” online community where users treat anorexia as a lifestyle rather than a disorder.

➜ Watch on Vimeo

★ sharing the secret ★

beth turns to binging and purging as a way to control one aspect of her life, but her habits quickly spiral out of control and force her to seek treatment.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/hmujb3ndoo0

★ for the love of nancy★

follows the main character as she starts college, becomes more and more withdrawn, starts a regimented exercise routine, stops eating, and begins losing an unhealthy amount of weight.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/cgvxvq33swy

★ a secret between friends ★

when two teenage girls become fast friends and decide to diet together, things go from bad to worse, ultimately leading to the near death of one of the girls.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/vmf4cd1fxge

★ dying to dance ★

➜ a young woman succumbs to pressure at ballet school and develops anorexia nervosa.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/hi5ww4z-rx8

★ girl, interrupted★

based on writer susanna kaysen's account of her 18-month stay at a mental hospital in the late 1960s.

➜ Watch on Netflix

★ Kate's secret ★

a beautiful woman married to a successful lawyer and the perfect suburban mother who turns out to be a closeted bulimic.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/zpchtd3xw4q

★ the best little girl in the world ★

a young girl develops an eating disorder, alternately starving herself or throwing up food. her parents, angry and desperate, send her to a hospital. unfortunately, she befriends a patient who convinces her to hide her illness.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/oy7gj99pt_a

★ thirteen ★

an innocent seventh grader undergoes an abrupt personality change when she begins hanging out with a wild classmate

➜ Watch on Disney Plus

★ to the bone ★

ellen is an unruly 20-year-old anorexic girl who spent the better part of her teenage years being shepherded through various recovery programmes, only to find herself several pounds lighter every time.

➜ Watch on Netflix

TV SHOWS

★ Skins ★

 lives of a group of teenagers in Bristol, England, are followed through two years of sixth form, with the story line of this critically acclaimed series delving into such controversial subjects as substance abuse, sexuality, teenage pregnancy, personality and eating disorders, and mental illness

➜ Watch on Stan

★ Red band society ★

 a group of teenagers live together as patients at a hospital's pediatric ward and learn how to deal with their illnesses, the experiences that they have, and the people that they meet.

➜ Watch on Disney Plus

★ Insatiable ★

For years Patty was overweight, which caused her to be bullied, ignored and underestimated by the people around her. But she is now thin and seeking revenge against those who ever made her feel bad about herself through fat-shaming.

➜ Watch on Netflix

DOCUMENTRYS

★ Thin ★

this documentary follows four women receiving eating disorder treatment at the renfrew center in coconut creek, florida. while each woman has their own “final straw” that brought them to renfrew, they all suffer from eating disorders that profoundly affect their lives to the point of near-death, in some cases.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/gsqwhmesizq

★ Dana the 8-year-old anorexic ★

Little Dana became a walking skeleton after suffering from anorexia - at EIGHT. She told her distraught parents she would rather DIE than eat. And she even hid in a laundry basket at meal times to avoid having food.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKSwPBUhCBo&list=PLfjwnsEd5VNYTtPpke17nY2AHRNNpcWIK&index=3

[catmelonwriting]

Oohmygofd pleaaase plsplspls write bulimic reader... As some1 who's bulimic i will die if u do (positively)

BSD Men with a bulimic!reader

Warnings: Bulimia, not proofread, vomit type purging, very self inserted and based off my experiences, bad body image, reader is not underweight, hurt/comfort, a couple usages of (name) in akutagawa's bc I just can't see this man using pet names

Characters: Akutagawa, Chuuya

A/N: I'm sooo glad I'm not the only one who wanted this.. I was really hesitant to write it bc my blog is entirely smut and that usually does better than hurt/comfort, angst, or fluff, but if I'm not the only person who wants it I'm deffy gonna write it!! I don't really like Akutagawas I definitely didn't do him justice but I loveeeee chuuya's

Akutagawa

- Probably will not notice until you tell him.. just thinks you're sick or something when he hears coughing noises from the bathroom.

- From then on he's really concerned, he'll probably do a lot of research on it (w/o you knowing ofc)

- Will try and get you into treatment, even just IOP, but if you refuse HE is going to monitor everything your eating

- If you do end up binging in the middle of the night or while he's not there, the bathroom is off limits for the next 45 minutes.

- He will literally stand in the way of the doorway if you try to go, he's not risking anything.

- If you try not to eat too much the next day to 'make up for it' he'll sit with you while you eat and give you encouraging words here and there, but neither of you are getting up till your finished.

One shot

You're kneeled over the bathroom toilet, the back of a toothbrush nudging your throat, when you let out a loud gag. You immediately take the toothbrush out and cover your mouth.. you had learned to be so quiet after akutagawa found out about your eating disorder, how could you let that happen?

You hear footsteps approaching the bathroom door before three short knocks. "Yeah, Ryū?" You ask, your voice was raspy and you sounded like you had been crying. Fuck, he knows.

"..(Name) are you alright? Are you doing something you shouldn't?" His voice was sharp, like he was angry. You knew he wasn't, you knew he would never be angry at your for something like this.. just.. upset, but you can't help the guilt that courses through your body at his words.

"No." You choke out, shuffling to shove the toothbrush back in the holder. "I heard gagging." You clear your throat, trying to get rid of the rasp. "Um.. I wasn't. Just coughing. I'm not feeling well." You call out, quickly flushing your thrown up dinner down the toilet. "I'll be out in a second."

You dig in the drawers for your perfume, air freshener, dry shampoo, anything you can spray to cover up the smell of your throw up, but you couldn't find anything. So you hesitantly clean your hands and leave the bathroom with the overwhelming smell of vomit filling it.

"Hey, love." You mumble, sitting down next to him on the couch, your voice shaky. "..(Name), don't lie to me. I know what you were doing." He mumbles, placing his hand on the back of your head, pulling you closer to him. You blink back tears as you push your face into his chest. "Im sorry.. I'm so so sorry.. I didn't mean to.. I didn't.." you choke out, sniffling.

"Don't apologize to me, dear. I'm not mad, or even upset. Just.. concerned. You told me you would stop." His voice sounded sympathetic, something you weren't used to with him. The smell of cigarette smoke hung on your jacket, a scent you had grown to love and found comforting since meeting him. The way his lanky, boney, ring covered fingers glided through your hair, his soft voice, it all comforted you, it all told you it was okay to cry.

His heart ached at the little gasps and sniffles and whimpers you let out whilst sobbing into his chest. It made him want to start bawling with you, but of course he wouldn't. He could never appear weak to you. "I'm sorry- I'm so sorry Ryu- I just can't stop- I can't stop no matter how hard I try.." you sob, hands moving to cling onto the fabric of his shirt. "I'm so sorry!"

"Oh baby.." he sighed. You didn't want to look up, you know he's looking down with pity. Pity you didn't want. "It's alright. I don't want you to cry, it's not your fault.. I understand- well, no, I don't. I don't understand, but I want to help you." Wrapping his arms around you, he leans into your head, the scent of your shampoo filling his nose.

That's where you two lay for the rest of your night, him whispering comforting words in your ears, giving you all the love you could ever ask for, something you'd never expect from a man like him.

Chuuya

- He notices within the first month of FRIENDSHIP

- The way you get up and scurry off to the bathroom after every meal you share, the guilt on your face after grabbing a third serving at the party you two are at, how quick you shove shit down your throat before tears well up in your eyes and you excuse yourself.. all of it.

- He definitely cares, but probably won't confront you about it till later on in the friendship if you're still having trouble

- He won't just send you a lousy "have you been eating properly?" Text either, he's gonna invite you over to his house making it known you two are gonna have a serious conversation, then sit you down in his living room then prod and probe till you admit it.

- If you're still struggling w/ it when you're dating/when you move in together (which you probably are bc eds are harsh) he'll be like Akutagawa and monitor everything you eat, just a little more stealthily

- He is not afraid to tell you to slow down if you seem to be overeating.. he takes the binging just as seriously as the purging.

Oneshot

You had awakened in the middle of the night with a need for food. Anything you could get your hands on you needed inside of you asap.

You quickly and carefully slipped out of his arms and out of bed, tip toeing to the kitchen and flicking the light on. The first thing you see is a brand new box of cereal you had bought today, Chuuya hadn't had it in awhile, it was his favorite as a kid and he seemed happy while buying it. Guilt tote through you when you ripped open the box and shuffled handfuls into your mouth, before discarding the half empty box on the ground.

You reached for the cake you two had made for your birthday last week, taking fistfuls with your bare hands and shoving the icing covered cake in your mouth.

After shoving everything in vicinity down your throat, you open the fridge to find a diet coke, or a regular, just anything with bubbles.. anything with carbonation to help you get this all up better. Anything. Your eyes land on an energy drink you had bought yesterday.. you were saving it for today, but in your eyes you needed it now.

You crack it open and glug it down, before looking at the mess you made on the floor. Empty boxes, half eaten cake, a carton of half eaten cookies, an empty bowl that was previously filled with salad, an empty milk carton.. you felt sick to your stomach. You needed this out of you now. Now.

You quietly tip toe to the bathroom, turning off the kitchen lights behind you and locking the door behind you, kneeling on the ground in front of the toilet. You hated doing this, you hated how gross you felt hovering over something where your ass went.. but you needed it gone. You couldn't gain weight.. you already felt so fat as it is no matter how much chuuya tried to convince you you're average.. you just couldn't believe it. Looking in the mirror all you could see was piles of fat.

You push the back of your toothbrush down your throat, gagging almost silently as the first few things came up. You recognized some chocolate, veggies, something.. red.. you didn't want to think about it too much as you shoved the toothbrush back down your throat. You watched as everything you ate came up opposite to the order you had it in.

Finally, you recognize barely chewed lumps of cereal fall into the toilet, and after you throw up stomach acid mixed with dark blood, you sigh, wipe your mouth and stand up, flushing the toilet, and clean yourself up.

Walking out of the bathroom, you see the kitchen lights on. Fuck. You could've sworn you turned those off.

Your ginger haired boyfriend turns the corner from the kitchen, looking you dead in the eyes with disappointment on his face. You wished you could just evaporate. "Love, what is this?" He sounded.. exasperated. Tired of you, tired of your illness, tired of having a girlfriend who can't just eat normally. You were tired of it too, but the Internet made recovery seem so much easier than it really was.

Tears flow out of your eyes as you wipe the remaining spit dribbling from your mouth away. "Did you throw up?" He sighs.. you can't tell if he's being sympathetic or if he's annoyed. Maybe both. All you can muster is a nod before you fall into his chest, letting out broken sobs and choking out apologies. From where you are you can glance into the kitchen, noticing he had cleaned up the little mess you made.

God, not only did he have to deal with such an emotional, disordered girlfriend.. he had to clean up after you too? You felt like such a terrible person, like you didn't deserve his love.

"Cmon, sweetie, let's go to bed. Let me tuck you in." He mutters sleepily. "Don't apologize.. don't apologize, it's not your fault. You know I'm not mad." His whispers comfort you and make you feel worse at the same time, you didn't understand it. "I'm not mad, just worried. I could never be mad at you." He speaks softly, nudging you towards the open door of your bedroom.

You whimper and sniffle as he tucks you into bed, before getting back in himself and wrapping his arms around your waist. He leans in, whispering sweet nothing's in your ear, tracing shapes in your hip, telling you you're beautiful and it'll all be okay until you fall asleep.

When you wake up the next morning, Chuuya isn't there. He must've gone to work already. You see a small note on the bedside table next to you, and hesitantly pick it up to read its contents.

"Hey doll, I'm sorry I left for work before we could talk about this in-person, and I definitely have a plan to speak to you about it tonight. But I wanted to let you know I'm not mad at you, nor am I upset with you, I'm just concerned for your well-being and safety. I want to get you into some treatment program because I'm not trained in this, and I don't really know how to help. I know this isn't entirely about your weight or how your body looks, but baby believe me when I say you're beautiful. You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever laid my eyes on and I am so lucky to have you. You are not 'too much' and your emotional baggage is not too much for me to carry. Even if it was, it's worth it for a girl as sweet and caring as you.

Love, Chuuya"

You hold the note close to your chest and push yourself backwards into bed, draping the covers over yourself and falling back asleep with his letter held close.

[transmutationisms]

i have a handful of anonymous asks in my inbox right now asking about harm reduction as applied to eating disorders that their loved ones are experiencing. i'm not answering these individually, both because it would get repetitive and because i don't know your loved ones and can't give them personal advice, but i did want to say a few general things on this topic.

the basic principles of harm reduction are the same in regards to EDs as anything else. the point here is not to force a person to stop doing something dangerous (this is impossible) or even to pressure them to stop (this also doesn't work, and will often have the effect of making you into a person they don't feel safe around and can't turn to for help, thus actually decreasing their access to support and resources). instead, the goal of harm reduction generally is to give people the knowledge and resources they need to engage in risky behaviours as safely as possible. the reasons people do things that are physically or socially harmful to them vary, obviously, but in general these behaviours are serving some purpose in the person's life, like providing emotional 'blunting' they need to deal with otherwise intolerable circumstances, or meeting a physical need for specific substances. harm reduction meets people where they are, beginning with the premise that they deserve basic respect, dignity, and self-determination, whether or not they continue to engage in behaviours that may be endangering them.

some baseline harm reduction strategies for EDs could include:

take necessary safety precautions if (over)exercise is a feature of the disorder, or if you are at risk for fainting; ideally, have someone around (or reachable by phone) who can help in case of injury

do your best to compensate for any micronutrient deficiencies resulting from food restriction; dietary supplementation may be necessary

know if any substances/pharmaceuticals you may use (recreationally or not) can affect you more strongly, faster, or more dangerously on an empty stomach; here, harm reduction for EDs will overlap with harm reduction for drug use

know the signs of electrolyte imbalance and resultant cardiac events, particularly in EDs involving purging by laxative use or self-induced vomiting; keep a stockpile of items like sports drinks/gels that can rapidly replenish electrolytes; know where to seek emergency medical treatment and how to recognise when it may be vitally necessary

monitor long-term health risks, like bone density loss, tooth enamel damage, hyperglycaemia (in cases of diabulimia), &c. note that both this step and the above require finding medical practitioners who will treat patients non-judgmentally and without threat of institutionalisation

....and so forth.

harm reduction plans are highly individualised: they depend on the person's own goals and desires. a harm reduction plan might include strategies for engaging in ED behaviours less frequently or intensely, and may even include a long-term goal of recovery. however, harm reduction has not 'failed' if the person doesn't want to, or can't, reduce frequency or severity of behaviours right now or ever. ED harm reduction that does include goals for reducing behaviours, without necessarily trying to eliminate them entirely, might include strategies like:

purge less frequently; avoid or reduce flushing and chew/spit

reduce food restriction by raising calorie limits, not counting calories at all, eating certain 'fear foods', &c

identify triggers for restriction, binging/purging, &c; try to avoid those triggers (& possibly enlist assistance doing this)

ask someone trusted to eat with you if this would help you, for example, become more comfortable with eating non-restrictively, and turn eating into a social connection rather than a stressful event

consume a sufficient amount of food regularly and consistently <- this is the bedrock of all recovery work

again, though, the particular strategies in a person's harm reduction plan will depend on what they want to implement and are capable of doing right now. a person who's not ready for any step that asks them to engage in fewer behaviours, or to engage in behaviours less frequently, can still benefit from a harm reduction approach if they're interested. this is a conversation that should always be approached non-judgmentally and with the understanding that any harm reduction plan depends on the person's own capacities and goals. harm reduction is not about telling someone else what would be 'best' for them in an 'ideal' world. it's about meeting them where they are right now.

something important to note about EDs is that efforts to restrict food and food groups and to shrink body size are considered extremely common and 'normal' in much of the contemporary popular culture, and are frequently encouraged and prescribed by medical practitioners. this means that even when you are worried about someone with a self-endangering ED, there is often a considerable risk that, in trying to help them, you might still be promoting or acceding to the same fatphobic logic that can fuel the ED. if you, for instance, think that pursuing intentional weight loss is generally benign or healthy; if you have ideas about what size a person's body 'should' be based on things like actuarial charts; if you think that some foods are universally 'bad' and need to be restricted or eliminated; if you think that food should be 'earned' or compensated for by physical activity—stop, do not pass go, and do not try to dispense any kind of advice, harm reduction or otherwise, to someone struggling with an ED. you are not capable of being a resource here unless and until you are committed to a politics of fat liberation, disability rights, mad liberation, and anti-racism. you are not reducing harm if you are contributing to further entrenching the cultural beliefs and economic mechanisms of fatphobia and body fascism that the ED itself thrives on.

(**i am not saying that all EDs start or end with the desire to be thin as articulated through white supremacist body ideals, but it is a very common feature at this moment in history, and having these ideas reinforced, including through the lens of medical fatphobia, can certainly contribute to or worsen already-present behaviours and thought patterns where EDs are concerned.)

harm reduction also means giving a person the knowledge they need to evaluate their own goals and needs. in regards to EDs specifically, lots of public health communication is confounded by industry-funded diet and 'obesity' research that prescribes food restriction, compensatory exercise, and other recognisably 'eating disordered' behaviours, especially to fat people. many people with EDs, and their loved ones, may not even realise how many misconceptions they have learned about body size, nutrition, and the health risks of EDs. some basic places to start learning about these things from a weight-neutral / fat-liberationist angle that i would suggest include: christy harrison's podcast 'food psych' (her book is also decent but treads a lot of the same ground); gwyneth olwyn's work; lindo bacon and lucy aphramor's papers on 'health at every size'; jennifer gaudiani's book 'sick enough', which is a good starter resource on the medical effects of EDs. note that none of these resources are working within an explicitly harm reductionist framework, and imo make some missteps in this arena! but they still contain insights and information that can be useful to those who are interested in harm reduction, and to those with EDs generally.

harm reduction can be a tool to recovery, or a step on that road; it can also be an alternative for people who are not ready to seek recovery, and who may never be ready. the reality is that you cannot force someone to stop engaging in behaviours they rely on to live, whether drug use, EDs, or anything else. harm reduction proceeds from this place and from a fundamental commitment to respect for people who are generally already suffering. when approaching a loved one, you may or may not be able to initiate a conversation in which you express, eg, that you are worried about them hurting themselves, and would like to offer whatever emotional or material resources you can to help. but you have to go into any such interaction understanding that they may very well already know all of the risks of what they're doing, and may have other reasons they can't or don't want to stop. if you're trying to impose your will on them---by force, pressure, or coercion---you're not doing harm reduction, and you're most likely alienating them and turning yourself into a person they don't feel safe around where these behaviours are concerned.

[edrecoveryprobs]

When a triggering visitor comes on to the ward...

[mystii-gur0]

Psychoanalyzing Childe

Tw: brief mentions of suicide, s/h, substance abuse, abuse, and sex

A common misconception I see when people make character studies for Childe is interpreting him with bipolar disorder (BD, also formally known as manic depression) instead of borderline personality disorder (BPD, also formally known as EUPD or emotionally unstable personality disorder). If you’re like some people, you might be asking yourself “What’s the difference?” The difference is actually a lot, despite often having similar presentations.

Bipolar disorder, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, is characterized by episodes of mania and depression (usually lasting several months at a time), with bipolar 1’s manic episodes tending to be more severe (often times involving psychosis) and depressive episodes less severe or even non-existent, and bipolar 2 being the opposite. Oftentimes the cause is genetic and the treatment involves mostly mood stabilizing medication. I’ll be listing the symptoms of manic and depressive episodes and highlighting which ones apply to Childe.

Manic Symptoms:

Elevated mood

Irritability

Hyperactivity

Insomnia

Impulsivity

Flight of ideas

Racing thoughts

Feeling unable to do many things at once without getting tired

Binge eating

Binge drinking

Hypersexuality

Feeling unusually important or powerful

Depressive Symptoms:

Lowered mood

Anxiety

Restlessness

Insomnia

Hypersomnia

Talking slowly or being unable to find anything to say

Feeling unable to do even simple things

Lack of interest in most activities

Feeling hopeless or worthless

Suicidal ideation (a little iffy on this one. Childe is passively suicidal as in he doesn’t mind the idea of dying and doesn’t value his life very much, but he’s never shown to actively plan to or actually attempt.)

The four symptoms of bipolar that are shown to apply to Childe are also in line with BPD mood swings. Many people point to his actions in Liyue as a manic episode, however aside from his impulsive behavior there, which I would also like to point out is a symptom of BPD, he does not show any symptoms of bipolar that suggest a manic episode. On top of that we never see him exhibit any signs of depressive episodes aside from restlessness, which you could say suggests bipolar 1, except he doesn’t have nearly enough manic symptoms to have bipolar 1 and the restlessness oftentimes accompanies the “manic” symptoms.

Borderline Personality Disorder, according to the Mayo Clinic, is defined by unstable relationships, emotional instability, dissociation, disturbance in identity and self image, impulsivity, chronic feelings of emptiness, and an intense fear of abandonment. The main cause is childhood trauma, though you can be genetically at risk, and it’s often treated with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and TF-CBT (trauma focused cognitive behavioral therapy). There are four main types of BPD. I’ll be highlighting symptoms from each that apply to Childe.

Impulsive BPD:

Charismatic

Energetic

Detached

Flirtatious (not highlighted because the only example of him being flirtatious is a mistranslation)

Engaging or motivating

Binge eating

Overspending

Addiction (to sex, substances, shopping, etc)

Risky sex

Emotional outbursts

Physical fights

Breaking things

Hitting things

Discouraged/Quiet BPD:

Perfectionism

Highly successful

“High functioning”

Feeling alienated in groups

Feeling like they don’t have strong bonds with others

Seeking approval/people pleasing

Self isolating

Self harm

Suicidal behaviors

Clinginess

Codependency

Neediness

Emotional outbursts when feelings of abandonment are triggered

Seeming numb, empty, or like a robot

Hiding emotions

Self-Destructive BPD:Substance abuse

Risky and adrenaline seeking activities without proper preparation

Self harm

Threats of suicide

Insomnia

Euphoric episodes

Petulant BPD:

Fluctuating between anger and feeling unloved

Possessiveness

Manipulative

Needs to control others to prevent being abandoned

Passive aggressive

Defiant

Irritable

Threatening self harm or suicide

Paranoid delusions

Dissociation (if Foul Legacy isn’t an allegory for a dissociative state I don’t know what is)

Psychosis

Childe has symptoms of all types of BPD, but the ones he shows the most similarities to are quiet/discouraged BPD and self-destructive BPD. I feel like the self-destructive BPD traits speak for themselves, but I’d really like to expand on his quiet BPD traits as those are the ones that show up most often in the Liyue arc, which I feel is significant because it’s his introduction, he’s most heavily featured in it, and we actually see him exhibit splitting behavior.

When we first meet Childe, he’s referred to as just that, Childe. However it’s revealed later that he has a total of three personas, Childe, Ajax, Tartaglia. I’ll elaborate more on them later (see section two: OSDD-1a), but a common experience in people with BPD is mimicking those around them to an extreme degree (in in game example would be Scaramouche adopting Dottore’s personality and mannerisms) to the point of creating entire personalities for different people. That begs the question though, who is he mimicking? I’m going to say Childe is mimicking the Tsaritsa and/or Pulcinella to some extent, as he’s the most social and charismatic of them, and the Tsaritsa being an empress and a cult leader, and Pulcinella being a mayor would probably mean they have to be at least a little bit charismatic. Tartaglia likely mimics either Skirk and/or potentially Capitano (I say Capitano because Childe is stated to look up to him and he’s in charge of the Fatui’s military), as Tartaglia seems more emotionally detached and is first introduced in his boss fight, seeming to potentially be more focused on orders and fighting. Ajax is tricky, because I don’t think he’s mimicking anyone so much as creating a persona for his family and specifically younger siblings. We really only see him during his story quest around Teucer.

Childe’s people pleasing is a common quiet BPD trait and something I see overlooked a lot, mostly because people tend to read him as a playboy, or just straight up evil and manipulative, but it’s a very blatant part of his characterization. His infamous “hey girly” line is a mistranslation from “hey Ms” in the original Chinese, not to mention the way he always tries to come off very friendly and avoid verbal conflict (physical conflict is a whole other can of worms). He was also willing to spend a lot of money on Zhongli just because he asked, despite there being a few indications that he didn’t really want to do that, spends lots of money on his family despite them not treating him particularly well, and helps Yoimiya and Xinyan despite not knowing either of them well.

Now onto the fact he literally had a split on screen in the Liyue arc, yet no one seems to acknowledge it. Childe and Zhongli are shown to have been extremely close prior to the events of the Liyue arc, regardless of if you choose to interpret their relationship as platonic, romantic, or anything else. They go to dinner together, spend a lot of time together, are very well acquainted etc. Childe doesn’t have many friends, his family is distrustful of him, the other Harbingers either just don’t care or actively dislike him, he’s too intimidating to the lower ranked Fatui to be friends with them and he has a negative reputation outside the Fatui (another quiet BPD trait, feeling alienated in society and not having many close relationships). Zhongli was likely one of his only close relationships at the time. Unfortunately their friendship ends at the end of the Liyue arc when Childe finds out Zhongli, Signora, and the Tsaritsa have been lying to him the whole time. We see when confronting Zhongli about being Morax, Childe is extremely upset, snapping at him and Signora and being generally irritable. He then never interacts on screen with Zhongli again after storming off and says that Zhongli will have to earn him back with a fight when asked about him by the Traveler. It’s unclear whether Zhongli has been informed of this or not. He experiences mood swings in the Liyue arc when he gets so angry at the thought of the Traveler getting to the Geo Gnosis before him that he rips the floor up out of the Golden House, and tries to do so again in Fontaine after being sentenced guilty. Other than that he never seems to feel anything other than a calm “everything is fine”, which is very indicative of quiet BPD rather than the other subtypes as people with quiet BPD tend to hide their emotions and implode when upset and come across as empty or robotic. Chronic feelings of emptiness are also a major part of the diagnostic criteria.

On the subject of Childe’s favorite person, I’d say that would definitely be the Tsaritsa. He speaks extremely highly of her, even more so than the other Fatui and definitely more so than the other Harbingers as Arlecchino and Scaramouche either say outright that they dislike her or are at least wary. She’s explicitly stated to run a cult, recruit child soldiers, and fund human experimentation, yet Childe repeatedly defends her despite the fact she likely dehumanizes him and/or is verbally abusive, given the fact his title is literally “the Tsaritsa’s weapon of war”. People with BPD tend to have this idea that their favorite person can do no wrong besides abandoning them, which makes them more willing to put up with bad behavior and even abuse from their favorite person. People with quiet BPD specifically tend to have a “I can fix them/I deserve this” complex when it comes to their abusers.

Another common thing I see is people interpreting Childe with HPD (histrionic personality disorder), and while I don’t think Childe specifically has HPD, it is in the same cluster as BPD and they do share overlapping traits.

Here’s a list of HPD traits I believe Childe experiences:

People pleasing

Easily swayed by others

Naive/overly trusting

Risky behaviors

A need for acknowledgement/attention

Overall, I would diagnose Childe with quiet BPD with HPD traits.

Section Two: OSDD-1a

Earlier I mentioned Childe’s personas, but I’d like to present the idea of him being OSDD-1a system. Usually when we think of system coded characters we think of Scaramouche, Furina, and Layla (Layla canonically has DID, Scaramouche and Furina are just often interpreted as systems), but despite being the only character besides Layla with actual named alters that we see in game, Childe almost never comes up in conversation.For those who don’t know, OSDD1 (or other specified dissociative disorder 1) is a diagnosis given to people who fit most of the diagnostic criteria for DID but not enough to be diagnosed with DID and don’t have a permanently fronting alter like in partial DID. OSDD-1a is used for people who have high amnesia barriers but a lack of distinct alters (they might all use the same name, have similar interests, similar personalities, similar likes and dislikes, etc.). OSDD-1b is used for people who have distinct alters but low amnesia barriers, only experiencing emotional amnesia, where they know how something happened but not how they felt during it, and gray out amnesia, where they know something happened but can’t really remember it.

Childe is known for having a lot of inconsistencies in his character, such as wanting to protect his family, but actively putting them in danger to carry out the Tsaritsa’s orders. However I feel this could easily be explained by him being an OSDD-1a system. Ajax is shown to want to protect his family, however Tartaglia and to a much lesser extent Childe is willing to put them in danger. Tartaglia is introduced in his boss fight and when speaking of his fighting prowess he’s always referred to as Tartaglia. We’re introduced to the character as Childe and he’s always referred to as Childe in social settings away from his family. Now the scene I feel is most system coded is the one where he’s introducing himself to Xinyan. He goes to introduce himself as Tartaglia, because that’s who’s fronting in the moment, however the Traveler stops him and reminds him he’s supposed to be Childe in that moment. As someone who knows a lot of systems and is questioning if he might be one himself, the struggle to pretend to be the host when interacting with people immediately jumped out at me.

Now as I mentioned before, Childe seems to mimic other people, and you might be wondering if that still applies to him as a system. As a matter of fact it definitely does. It’s highly possible that he’s an introject heavy system. In fact I think the only alter that isn’t an introject of someone around him is Ajax, as Ajax uses his birth name and I can’t think of someone he’d have interacted with to introject an alter like Ajax.

Childe being a system also explains why he never mentions things like the Golden House or his story quest afterwards, given that Childe is likely the host but was out of front during those two occasions.

Overall I don't think Childe being a system host was intended by the writers in the same way I think him having BPD was, but it's definitely interesting to think about.

[bvnnyluvvs]

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