#tw eating disorder recovery

[eoieopda]

this is a celebratory/positive post; however, it relates to eating disorder recovery after relapse, so i’m hiding it below the cut. please ignore if this is something that will make you unsafe and/or uncomfy (or if you just don’t want to see it because this is a k-pop blog, first and foremost, lol).

note: in my personal experience, this is not a thing people talk about. that’s why i’m posting this — so people know i’m here. if you’re similarly situated, i’m in your corner whether we’re moots or not! 💕

as of today, i have officially gone two (2) entire weeks without restricting or purging in any way! this is by far the longest i’ve gone since my major relapse in july 2023 ✨ hopefully actually acknowledging this win out loud for once will help me keep the streak going.

okay, that’s all!! ily!!!

[teddybear-heart]

About Me

I thought it might be a good idea to make a self-introduction post for a little more context into who I am and how this eating disorder affects me.

Online, I go by TeddyBearHeart, or just “Teddy” for short. This is obviously not my real name, as I still wish to remain anonymous. However, I will share how I got this name: the love of my life was sharing a dream about how he had dreamt that we were in a scary situation and I had said “my little teddy bear heart can’t handle all this” and it was so on-par with how I talk that we adopted its use into our waking life.

I am 24 years old, as of writing this in January 2023, and I live in southeast Wisconsin. I work a 12 hour night shift job as a EMS dispatcher.

I grew up in Kansas with a big adoptive family that became a broken home. Shortly after graduating high school, I was kicked out by my adoptive mother and struggled with homelessness for months. My first jobs were in fast food before I landed a job in healthcare, and I had stayed in the spare room of a kind stranger (not recommended!) before meeting the love of my life and moving in with him.

Just before the COVID-19 pandemic struck, we we able to move up here to Wisconsin. I struggled to find work, but happened to meet an EMS manager through one of the odd jobs I had taken at a bakery who liked me so much she gave me a recommendation to get me hired.

I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder on January 10, 2023 after being referred to a dietician to be put on a GERD diet for gastrointestinal issues. During the routine questioning about my eating habits, my dietician discovered a disturbing pattern that had been lying undetected since my childhood. Honestly, I can’t even say I was surprised when she told me, because I had known something had been wrong for a long time.

In addition to the eating disorder, I was at the highest weight I had ever been in my life. At only 5’3.5” tall, I was an entire 290.6 lbs with an estimated body fat percentage of 50% or higher. I did not feel healthy, I was not comfortable in my body, and the added weight exacerbated my pre-existing asthma.

Due to the “fat acceptance” movement and overwhelming diet culture, it was impossible to get anyone to take me seriously when I said I wanted to lose weight because I wasn’t feeling right. I feel like I had begged my PCP for resources and assistance in losing weight, but I had been told I “looked fine”.

Now that my eating disorder has been diagnosed and is being addressed, I feel much more confident that something is going to change.

[hazyaltcare]

An aesthetic for Trey Clover x Riddle Rose, with themes of Trey helping Riddle recover from an eating disorder with baking and strawberry tarts. 

Mod Rook

[metal-rat]

i’ve figured out i gotta start fasting to lose weight. i’m gonna start tomorrow. i’m back in the 170lbs and i’m hating myself for it. but it’s not too late. i can get back down again. just gotta drink water and fast. fast as long as i can.

[followtheechoes]

pro: I have successfully managed to tie "eating breakfast" to "ability to get stuff done" in my brain, allowing me to eat before I start my day without guilt or fear!

con: I feel absolutely fucking useless before I've eaten and if I have to head out somewhere without breakfast I feel like I haven't been given permission to get stuff done. like food is the signal and I have pavloved myself into paralysis until I eat

[fatphobiabusters]

As unhealthy as you perceive any food to be, it is much more unhealthy to be scared of the act of eating.

-Mod Worthy

[nabibbyy]

when your ED is starting to affect the people around you <<<<<<

[catgirl-kaiju]

me: hmh getting hungry

adhd: u can't eat rn you're already doing something

autism: there is nothing in the house that u like

anorexia: like u even need any calories

trauma: u've barely done anything today. you don't deserve to eat

little anime girl: burg her

me: burg her...

me:

little anime girl:

[gingersnappedxx]

Back into my egg obsession♡

[tiffanydraco]

Here’s some thiiining inspiration ✨

Movies/ shows to watch when your thinking of binging 🎥

• Mean Girls

• Clueless

• 13 going on 30

• Bring it on ( any of them)

• Confessions of a shopaholic

• Legally Blonde

• Keeping up with the Kardashians

• My 600lb life

• Thousand Pound Sisters

• The Victoria Secret documentary (Hulu)

• Abercrombie documentary (Netflix)

Use these as motivation to not binge eat because if you binge you’ll be pounds away from your goal weight. Hunger is only a temporary thing and self discipline is sexy. ✨

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

Being fat, actually fat, with an eating disorder is fucking hell.

People assume you have BED, and if you actually do have BED people are so gross about it. If you have a restricting disorder people get concerned when you start eating more. People get concerned if you start to like yourself. People love to see you fucking miserable, and will completely ignore your misery in the same breath. It makes them feel good. They benefit at your expense through weight stigma.

So many physicians prescribe disordered eating to us. ED specialists in many places won’t even consider how EDs affect us. Our own community uses our bodies as inspiration to hurt themselves. Because nothing could be worse than looking like us, right? How are you supposed to love yourself when so many people actively don’t want you to?

To the fat person reading who needs to hear this, I give a shit if you recover. I give a shit that you are hurting. So many people don’t notice, so many don’t give a fuck, but I do. You deserve better. I want you to eat even if it means you gain weight. I want you to be happy in your body as it is. I want you to feel loved, I want you to feel seen.

If you are fat with BED, I see you. There is so much stigma and it is not your fault. Your weight isn’t “your fault”, you are sick. It’s not a moral failing. You deserve compassion, and the extent to which people project their own issues onto you is awful. You deserve to be comfortable in your skin, and your body is wonderful.

If you are fat with purging tendencies, or with restricting ones I see you too. We get praised for hurting ourselves, or no one notices. I see you. I’m sorry.

I wish so badly the world were more compassionate to you, but if no one else gives a shit, I do. Fight for recovery for me, even though I know that journey can be so, so lonely when you aren’t thin.

To those of you who have recovered, to those of you that may. You are worth it. You may be fat for the rest of your life, and that’s okay. It’s wonderful, your body is wonderful, and I see you and I’m proud of you. Sadly I know many of us recover alone, but I hope you know you aren’t. I’m rooting for you.

[teddybear-heart]

About This Blog

This is my personal blog to share my experiences in recovering from a mental illness known as Binge Eating Disorder (BED).

That being said, this is an eating disorder recovery blog, and therefore might be triggering to some people.

However, with as little literature as I can find about the nitty-gritty of recovering from this fairly obscure eating disorder, I thought it would be important to share my experiences on a public forum so that they may help someone else when they feel isolated or maybe even give guidance to someone who cannot afford treatment.

With Tumblr ultimately being a social media site, I understand that people may wish to comment, ask questions, or otherwise interact with this blog. I welcome this, as I believe open conversations lead to understanding, but I will not engage with blatant harassment. I ask others to follow my example in this and do not feed the trolls.

To anyone suffering with a restrictive eating disorder who may happen upon this blog, please be aware that due to the nature of my eating disorder, weight loss will eventually be a part of my recovery. I will do my best to tag any posts with such a trigger warning, but peruse this blog at your own risk.

In closing, please understand that the purpose of this blog is not to promote eating disorders as lifestyle choices, look down on anyone for having an eating disorder, enable diet culture, give medical advice, or shame anyone for their weight or eating habits.

[recoveryposting]

a little while ago i was talking to a friend about my ed and i dont remember the context but she said to me "I LOVE CARBOHYDRATES!!!!! I LOVE CALORIES!!!!!!" and i stopped and stared at my phone because i had genuinely never heard anyone say they love calories. like, even implicitly theres this messaging that lower calorie = better and that we should enjoy of food despite the calories it contains. and i was just floored that this was the first time i had ever heard anything like that and it made me feel so comforted. anyway appreciate your friends they are some of the most important people in the world

[metal-rat]

hey...i'm back :)

hi. i'm back on my blog after what seemed like a VERY long hiatus. we didn't have internet for the longest time, so i was never on my computer. i had the tumblr app on my phone but then that just turned into an unhealthy obession and i was constantly on it. so i deleted off my phone, and to free up space. now that i have internet at my house, i can get back to blogging. i like blogging better on my computer anyway. not sure what exactly i'm going to be posting. probably just random thought threads. like this one. even though, this is more of a Welcome Back post..with a little bit of rambling. soooo where have i been you might be asking? work. i work a lot. and if i'm not at work, i'm either at the gym or hanging out with friends, when we all aren't working that is. my eating disorder has gotten a little better, even though sometimes i still skip meals. being sick hasn't helped either. i was sick with the flu last week, and ever since then my appetite hasn't been the same. instead of gorging myself with food at lunch, i hardly ate anything. and what i didn't eat, i ate for supper. i take that as progress. even though what i had wasn't really healthy, at least i ate, right? i'm glad to be back. i hope whoever's reading this, i hope you stay and chill with me for a while :)

[ed-recoverry]

Shoutout to people who relapse quick.

Shoutout to people who try to recover, but it doesn’t ever last long.

Shoutout to the people who want to get better, but they’re struggling to start.

I see so many people comforting those far into recovery who’ve relapsed, saying that it is a normal part of recovery and they will be okay. Which is completely true! But I rarely see that same energy for people who haven’t been clean for long or who relapse often.

It’s hard to get your footing in recovery. Wanting to get better and taking steps to get better are two very different things; one much harder than the other.

Even a quickly failed attempt at recovery is something worth celebrating.

Trying to recover, knowing you probably won’t stay clean for long, and still deciding to try again is something impressive.

The only consistent trait in recovery from anything is relapsing at least once. If you don’t relapse, then you haven’t done the work to heal the cause of your destructive behavior. Relapse is integral to healing.

While it is ideal that these relapses are few and far between, that is something that is just unattainable for some.

I often see comments on tiktok that talk about how annoying it is when someone says “one second clean” or something along those lines, but I couldn’t disagree more. I am such a strong believer that every single second you aren’t acting on self destructive impulses is an accomplishment.

Especially if you’re actively resisting that behavior.

Relapse is normal in recovery. That includes relapses that happen after months of being clean, and relapses that happen within hours of being clean. While you should always strive to go longer and longer without relapsing, any amount of time spent not relapsing is something to be proud of.

Intent matters. Wanting to get better matters, even if you aren’t making much progress, is something to celebrate. Strive to be better, but don’t forget the little victories along the way.

[dumbbitchdisaster]

I hate living in extremes

Its either starving or binging

Its either full recovery or full relapse

I can’t go in between, it feels like failing if I do