#brains...are weird and often exhausting
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i havent done more bUT at the very least i finally started dusting off my resume so i am more prepared to actually change my life than before
fucking terrifying at every step and this hellscape of a life may never end but change doesnt come from doing the same shit over and over so smths gotta give
#txts#i am basically trying to push myself off a cliff#its not helping that my friend is currently v afk due to health reasons and my mind is just like#well if they dont care (they do bitch wtf) i have no reason to go there and do smth new either#as if i didnt have multiple other reasons besides moving closer to someone i care about#brains...are weird and often exhausting#like damn i love myself but get your shit together#no rush but it does feel weird to ask for a trainee position when i imagine it at age like 30#so....better do it now#me turning 26 next year: omg i am a haggard old witch how will i ever achive anything i want in life#.....like chill.....pls chill
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don’t read into this i am just thinking out loud here but as far as i can recall we see thancred’s disability about as much as we do shtola���s?
#thancred gets the thing about his cartridges in trust and that one duty in shb#shtola gets various aethersight limits in shb and enw#comments about it being exhausting along with palaka’s stand and in from the cold#i’m just curious bc a lot of ppl say thancreds gets more attention but does it….#idk i have shtola goggles so every mention gets stored in my brain even if i can’t remember exactly when it came from#but thancreds. well they do not sorry ahdhdjsk#i need a text post tag#which is not to say that it’s enough#it’s just a weird reverse of everyone noticing how often shtola ‘dies’ but not thancred lol
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"i'm not disabled" followed immediately by "i've got bad knees and a bad back" is certainly something to read 🤨 you know it doesn't have to be cripling for it to count, right...? it's not normal to be in pain after 15 minutes of standing. ableds can stand for, like, an hour at a time before they need to sit.
i know! i appreciate the concern, but i uh. dunno lol. genuinely i don't know. but i included the afaik ("i'm not disabled afaik" was the original phrase, though i'm not like mad at you for excluding it or anything) because i'm well aware that it's a possibility. it's hard to explain but there's a lot of little things that don't add up to much but are like. noticeable. like i would prefer to do most things sitting, if i could, as a matter of comfort. it would be easier for me. and walking isn't as bad as just standing. i've never been great at taking care of my body, and this has only gotten worse with time. it's hard for me to know what i should read as necessity and what i should read as preference, and how much weight to put on said preferences. like you said, i know it doesn't need to be "if i don't sit down i'm going to collapse" or anything, but where to draw that line between Definitely A Medical Thing That Affects Me More Than Other People and.. not that, i'm not sure. i kinda just thought i was a persistently slightly tired and low energy person, but it doesn't seem bad enough to be chronic fatigue, so...? is it related to the half-diagnosed. idk it's complicated depression (and yes in hindsight i probably should've counted that as disabling but whatever)? idk it's not a rabbit hole i've explored much at all is my point. but i know it's there and uh i guess this was sort of validating in a way anon so.. yeah? yeah👍
#also in reference to the pain after 15 mins of standing thing it's.. usually closer to discomfort than pain? but it's not Not pain either#it's often more like 'oh i should sit down. i wanna sit down. i should sit down' and it's not that frequent but it's like a status effect#and the frequent reminders are only after like 20-30 minutes#sometimes i don't even notice it and sometimes (if i'm bored lol) i'll notice it a Lot#this is not helped by my body being.. iffy at telling me what's going on. it's always too much or too little input with this guy#ahh that rascal. anyway#listen anon 1) uh sorry for going off like this idk if that's like. socially appropriate or whatever but i'm doing it anyway 2) if you've#got ideas i'm all ears. like off the top of your head not like. im not asking you to do research for an internet stranger ok#plus it feels weird saying i could be disabled when i have no idea what it would even be. i mean i think i'd believe someone else if they#said that but it's a classic rules for me and not for thee situation. still working on that#point is i got brain gunk for sure i just don't know how much of the body gunk is because of the brain gunk or smth else#like the possibly-probably autism definitely affects me physically i just don't know exactly what to do with that information#like. am i exhausted bc i'm overstimulated? is it the burn out? or is that a separate thing? or are they working together? etc#anyway yeah got caught vagueposting about my symptoms here's the deep dive no one wanted. for self indulgence purposes :v#no but i think about it a lot with posts like this bc i mean. would an able bodied person react THAT strongly to finding out shower stools#exist? probably not. but who knows for certain#....coming to the conclusion of. probably. maybe. but in what ways specifically? uh. i dunno. i just got them heavy limbs#might be a thyroid issue now that im looking into it. but again this is Not my area of expertise
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im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit
#i think the problem now is that historically my sleep habits have been Really Messed Up by what can loosely be called insomnia my whole life#its always kinda just been a given that if im in bed and i cant sleep there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help#and thats not for lack of trying i have tried every meditation and suggested solution possible. it does not happen.#if i cant fall asleep and try to force myself w/o distractions i will be awake staring at the ceiling for hours. usually till the morning#thats not an exaggeration it happened often before i gave up on it. so i figured out coping methods!#namely 1) making sure my body is taken care of as well as possible to make sure its not caused by pain or hunger or anxiety#and 2) not trying to force it and accepting itll happen when it happens. and then reading a book or watching a show on a dim screen#until i physically cant keep my eyes open and then i can fall asleep. if i try any earlier than that no dice. my brain wakes itself up again#these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working#im physically tired and start my usual routine and wait to pass out while reading but i just. dont. ever.#like. the physically tired feeling has never made a difference in my body cooperating with sleep. but now apparently it will????#and ive been ignoring it??? bc im used to it not working? i tried just. closing my eyes and trying to lay still yesterday and it WORKED#after like. 10 minutes or so. it was fucking crazy. i thought media and pop culture was lying about people doing that.#anyways. apparently i can fall asleep like a human and not some kind of weird chronically exhausted cryptid now.#(because of new adhd meds to be clear) but i havent been because i didnt even think to TRY it. since. yknow. cryptid status.#shits weird.
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I always see autistic people say they either mask really well, or they can't mask at all so they never did.
where are my autistics who tried really hard to mask growing up, wasted so much time and energy doing it, but realized it was completely pointless when you got older because you were awful at it and it never worked once in your life. you were visibly autistic to everyone and played pretend alone for no reason 🥹 all in attempt to please people and get them to stop harassing, bullying, and punishing you for being "too weird/quiet/boring/awkward/scary/etc"
basically, you don't fit in either side of the perspective. you relate to both sides. you experienced the deep exhaustion caused by masking, but you experienced the harassment and unfair treatment caused by not masking. with the added trauma of the mask not working so you're exhausted from the effort and getting bullied still on top of it.
bonus points if all that wasted time attempting to mask, and failing, led to you not being able to form your own self/personality and you have no clue who the hell you are now as an adult. maybe you gave up masking once you realized it did nothing to help and only made things worse. so now you're an empty pile of masks that don't fit and there's nothing inside 😔
#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#asking autistics#lee rambles#i gave up trying to mask one i realized thats whar i was doing and noticed how it never worked once in my life#i created a different self or personality for different situations and for different people#i don't know which if any are “me” and the will come out at different times to control my brain and try to fit the situation/person#but even with all that i still was obviously too weird and different for everyone and got bullied relentlessly my whole childhood#i obviously couldn't mask at all. i still cant. im 20 different people in one brain and theyre all too “weird” for anyone to accept#i never once fit in or was able to not be visibly autistic. that makes me stand out and get bullied and rejected from everything in life#it often feels like i have a huge target on my back and people see me as an intruder among them and go after me#i never had the luxury of blending in from masking to avoid harassment. but i still experienced the exhaustion from masking#with the added trauma of it never working and beating myself up over it :)#my masks all had names too and woukd take over when they were needed. i feel like i had so many names and lives all in one#but were any of them actually me? were they all me? none me? who are they? who am i? why am i like this fhdhjdsn why is this so hard#brains are confusing places
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...
#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the#best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b#like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional#control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood#weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start#crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way#not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things.#thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi#now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me.#working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning &#prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st.#task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in#this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do#moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an#then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose#things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the#picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to#absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal#away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i#still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop#switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping#would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is#but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually#unrelated#i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static#but focus is not a thing i cna control
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deeply personal feelings incoming
it's incredibly tragic to see someone become a shell of themselves on account of a job
#i. am having feelings#none of them good lol#i feel like i dont recognize my partner anymore cuz hes always either at work or resting from work#and i get that he feels like this is the only way cuz its the norm in his field but goddamn#at some point u have to realize that theres more to life#problem is that he really loves his profession so hes easily exploitable#ofc theres still glimpses of the relationship we had before#i still love him so much. but i dont know how much longer i can live like this#its horrible to see him like this#and i feel so neglected#i used to feel like hed move heaven and hell for me#and now i feel like. an option#and i know he doesnt mean it like that but its obvious where his priorities lie now#weve had so many conversations about this and so little has changed#i used to have such issues accepting that people love me but i always knew he loves me. and i just dont feel like that anymore#and it turns into this whole toxic dynamic where im always 'nagging' him about work and i just dont know what to do anymore#well. thats my one deeply personal rant a year done#used to do it more often but i know so many people in real life now it feels weird lol#im fine just. going through the motions#also its heaven and earth but its 1 am and i am exhausted so brain is not braining
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Hii, i just read all and i mean ALL of ur fics, but i saw you wrote for arcane women and was wondering if you could write headcanons abt them with a socially awkward/anxious reader?? If not thats A-Ok 👌 with me
Sure! How is everyone doing after the first three eps? I still haven't seen it but the edits I've seen... oh boy.
"I Got You." | Arcane Ladies Headcanons
╰┈➤ PLOT: How the ladies of Arcane(Jinx, Vi, Caitlyn, Sevika, Mel) act with a socially awkward and/or anxious partner
╰┈➤ WARNINGS: Spoiler Free, On The Shorter Side, Cursing, Not Proofread
⍣ ೋ Enjoy!⍣ ೋ
JINX
– At first, Jinx didn't get that you were socially awkward. She was used to people being awkward or even scared around her so she thought it was the same case with you until you two got closer.
– After knowing that your awkwardness was just you and not your fear of her, she observed you in social situations and noted what made you more anxious than normal.
– For example, she noticed you're more anxious and timid in bigger, louder spaces but if a space was quiet and quaint, you would be just fine so she often took you to quiet places for dates.
– If Jinx notices you're anxious in places you typically aren't, without a doubt she's removing you from the situation and taking you home where you can relax. No words, just grabs and tugs.
– She's tried the pep talk route before but it ended up in her rambling and somehow planning a terrorist scheme aloud... (yeah, a few patrons quickly left the area after hearing that), so she decided to scrap that idea altogether.
– At home though she would prepare what she calls, "A Safety Nest". It was a place in your shared space that had all your favorite things and trinkets, and she usually kept the space dimly lit and played your favorite music to calm you down.
– In social interactions where you take the lead in conversation, Jinx would quietly encourage you with big, almost alarming smiles and "gentle" pats on your back. Let's face it, Jinx can be socially awkward herself.
– Once the conversation concludes, she'll jump on you proudly, ruffle up your clothing, and pinch your cheeks endearingly all while calling you weird nicknames and quoting what you said while mimicking your tone and cadence.
––
VI
– Before you've had your first real conversation together, Vi could sense that you were an anxious individual.
– You fidgeted with your body while speaking, didn't hold eye contact long, and used a decent amount of filler words to casualize your sentences.
– She thought it was endearing to watch you act and move as if you thought no one truly cared about what you were saying or were afraid of boring others but you never bored her. She didn't think it was possible.
– You had tells and quips that revealed themselves with each conversation you two had. You showed more and more of your personality the more you got comfortable with her too. Vi loved it.
– When you spoke to her, especially when you went on tangents about things you were interested in, she always showed signs of active listening by nodding and asking follow-up questions. Even days later, she'll bring up the topic again to see if you have any updates.
– She made you feel seen and heard, something you've subconsciously craved. And when you went on your worry rambles, she consoled you and tried her best to stop you from spiraling.
– You thought about a lot of things and oftentimes about things no one else thought about. Vi thought your brain must've been exhausted with all the worries, doubts, and judgments that were usually wrapped up as others' but were truly your own; it was a lot for one person to handle so she strove to let you know that you were not alone.
– Is there a night you can't sleep because of your racing mind? Vi is there, holding you or reassuring you that everything is going to be okay. She can't sleep until you do anyway so why not speed the process along?
– You often had yourself stuck with your head stressing and worrying about multiple things at once and Vi was always there to bring you down to Earth.
__
CAITLYN
– Caitlyn's an encourager and a comforter with you.
– She's patient and silently allows you to take your time when gathering your thoughts midconversation but she'll also be the one to say, "It's okay, take your time," in the sweetest way possible.
– If there's an instance when you two are out and about and you really want something but are too scared to get it, she'll spring into action and get that thing for you. (Even if it was just a napkin).
– The only time she's frazzled socially is when you both are in an unfamiliar area and need to ask for directions. She'll stumble over her words and try to get someone's attention but they're moving too fast to hear her soft words.
– She'll get frustrated and you end up comforting her, but after a few backrubs, she's ready to try again. Her voice is strong and powerful, and people have no problem hearing her.
– You secretly thank whomever you have to for her determination but there was no way in hell you were going to walk up to a stranger and ask for directions like a tourist... which you were.
– Since Caitlyn's job has her socializing with a lot of people, she can get burnt out easily. Especially if work hasn't been going her way lately but even if she's burnt out and tired, if you seem to be more awkward or anxious than her, she's more than happy to step up socially.
– When you both have someplace to attend to or some event that holds significance, Caitlyn will not hesitate to stage a "social rehearsal" with you. She'll make flashcards of topics you could bring up, you'll both dress accordingly for the event in her living room, and she'll pretend to be an assortment of people so you can get used to different personalities all at once.
– It may seem like this is all for you, but honestly it helps her too. Sometimes she misses the personal cues of conversation leading the other to think she's a black-and-white thinking who has no time for pleasanties. Not true! She's very pleasant... sometimes she's just shy.
– Shyness is not a crime!
– After talking with the host and a few others she has to talk to due to her job, her social battery is depleted. She's extremely thankful you're able to recognize this and suggest leaving early. What would you two do without each other?
––
SEVIKA
– Oh, man. This lady found your awkwardness charming as hell.
– Your awkwardness was different than all the nerds and scaly-beings she's forced to be around. You were cute, looked perfect sitting next to her, and your awkwardness, as mentioned before, had a certain charming quality she can't quite place.
– She'll see you in your workplace trying to make casual conversation or small talk but none of your topics seemed to be landing. Your coworkers would give you a thin pressed-lips smile that she wanted to strike off of them to your attempts and then scoff at you behind your back.
– You were authentically yourself and those bastards didn't know what to do with it. They were scared, not her though.
– When you two got closer and comfortable enough with each other that you could tease one another or make playful jabs at the other's expense, no doubt she would tease you about your awkwardness.
– With those gorgeous eyes of yours, you would look everywhere else but her own, prompting her to say, "You know you can look me in the eyes, right? I won't bite", with the stupidest most shit-eating smirk on her face. And then when you look at her, a bit shocked and playfully annoyed, her smirk would only grow. "Unless you want me to."
– Sevika never made your awkwardness seem like a flaw. Your awkwardness came with you and she wanted all of you so she often encouraged your awkwardness.
– If she caught you trying to "reel" it in or realizing that you've talked for a few seconds too long, she'll playfully scold you and tell you to continue or to "let it out". Y'know. As someone who seethes dominance does.
– There would be an instance in which you go to Sevika asking for advice to be "less awkward" and her only response would be, "Why? I like your awkwardness, you don't need to change it. Anyone else who thinks otherwise is a sad loser and don't deserve to be in your life anyways."
– like damnnnn, okay!
– Safe to say you never asked her a question like that again.
--
MEL
– Mel understands your worries about what others think and the awkwardness that can come with it so she likes to help you in any way she can.
– If you're stressed about a council meeting and afraid of what everyone's going to think about the new perspective you'd like to bring to the table, she'll reassure you and tell you she's right by your side.
– If she can't physically with her hand on the small of your back, she give you nods of encouragement, raise her brows proudly, and look at you with that sense of pride and admiration in her golden eyes.
– After the meeting goes well, which she knew would, she'll congratulate you with your favorite drink and a night in doing all your favorite things.
– Even if there were parts in the meeting that were rocky, like the council people asking questions you weren't prepared for or getting rowdy, she'll say you did an excellent job and what you presented will help the people of Piltover.
– Oh, and don't think for a second that she wasn't sending glares and daggers to those who stirred up your anxiety even more. If looks could kill.
– Mel sees that sometimes your awkwardness and anxiety result in people-pleasing and she would shut that down real quick. She's fallen into that dangerous pool before and knows how hard it feels when you disappoint others and how much harder it is to get out of that mindset.
– She can get quite spirited with her encouragement...
– "Well, if they don't like it, that's on them! They don't know something good when they see it." "I've learned that hard way that you can't please everyone. You might as well say what you have to now. They can get over themselves later."
– It's actually quite attractive to see her stand up for you, even if she was standing up for the possibility.
– Always keeping her words in your mind, you find yourself navigating through life easier and you only have her to thank.
WC: 1,705
#pastel-peach-writes#pastel peach writes#gender-neutral terms#gender neutral terms#lesbian#arcane fanfiction#vi fanfic#vi x reader#caitlyn x reader#caitlyn fanfic#caitlyn kiramman#vi#vi x you#caitlyn arcane#caitlyn x you#jinx x reader#jinx fanfic#jinx lol#jinx league of legends#jinx#sevika#arcane sevika#sevika x reader#sevika x you#mel x you#mel x reader#mel fanfic#arcane fanfic
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Little Talks | DC X DP
part second part to the ghostling au !! this is just something to give you guys food while i write the fic
also usual errors will be made im only one person blah blah. hope you enjoy, as usual this is scheduled to post at 7am
☁️☁️☁️☁️
Danny lazily blinked at the person in front of him, his brain slowly rebooting itself as he released a small yawn. The person was green. A green person. Huh. Alien? He was exhausted, he spent so long aiding new systems and cradling stars that died and spread their dust around so they would be reborn again. He wanted to sleep but this person was in front of him and it’d be rude to ignore him. Pandora taught him better than that.
“Mrrp?” Danny felt his ears twitch, he wanted to feel mortified at the fact he made a sound like a cat in his own head but he really can’t be blamed because the moon he was around was really comfortable and he had no shame. He lazily tilted his head as the person’s shoulders seemed to loosen? A shake in his body. Weird.
Oh. He’s trying not to laugh at Danny’s response. Can Clockwork rewind so that didn’t happen. Of course CW ignored him like usual when it came to embarrassments like these.
“I do not mean any harm friend.”
The voice in his head echoed and it made Danny shiver in response, it was odd sharing a head space with someone else. He didn’t retaliate or cause any harm. His core could feel that this person was friendly, curious and respectful. He gives a head tilt in response.
Friend. Safe. Okay.
Danny gave another yawn, feeling his jaw open a tad wider than it should in normal human circumstances but who could care less when he has a Martian— an actual martian in front of him even if he’s too sleepy to actively be excited! He’s tired okay, it’s not everyday he gets to indulge on his obsession heavily on an everyday basis. He’d been so deprived that he’d gotten sick and it’s what made the others decide to give him the boot so he could enjoy his time before he got the crown.
“What is your name, little one?” Martian Manhunter softly asked in Danny’s head after the younger one winced from the volume earlier after he began to wake up.
“Danny.”
“Why are you out here?”
“Old man said I needed my enrichment.”
“One of my allies called you a baby ghost of the Infinite Realms, is this true?”
Danny released another cat like sound, this one more curious than the other when he had just barely woke up. Someone knew what he was? How curious, it wasn’t often Danny stumbled in dimensions that knew he was from the Infinite Realms… much less the fact that he’s even a ghostling.
“Mhm, ghostling is the proper term. We usually calculate age by how long we’ve been dead. In ghost terms I’m like three.”
Martian Manhunter seemed to pause, as if listening to something. Danny gave another yawn before he finally decided to change into a more normal size instead of the large form he had used to travel through the void easier. His form shifted in a bright light before he floated over to Martian Manhunter.
He quickly realized he was a lot smaller than he’d been and he supposes this is what CW meant when changing forms, he’d most likely reflect the age he’s in ghost terms. He doesn’t think he’d handle if Martian Manhunter treated him like a kid.
“When you said enrichment…?”
“Oh! Clocky said to play nice with my cousin? I think her name is Wonder Woman? Um he’s ah known as Chronos?”
#dc x dp#danny fenton#danny phantom#dc comics#dc universe#dc x dp au#dc x dp crossover#dcu#martian manhunter#baby ghost danny#ghost prince danny#ancient of space danny#the siren of space au#ww in the watchtower: oh its my granduncle visiting :)#batman: you know him????#ww: i didnt realize it was him at first#ww: my grandfather had warned me he was visiting but i thought it’d be through normal means#ww: he’s rather adorable however :)#john constantine: hes related to YOU??#dc x dp prompt#dpxdc
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“I think I’m going to move to Gotham,” Jazz’s tapped away at her laptop, clicking through her college acceptance letters. Danny sat up from where he was scrolling through his phone and stared at her. “Thoughts?”
“And prayers,” he sassed. “Because you’re going to need them. Why the would you pick Gotham when Harvard accepted you?”
“Gotham has Arkham. And Doctor Quinzel.”
“Isn’t she Harley Quinn? The Crime Princess of Gotham?”
“Yeah, and an acclaimed psychologist with hundreds of published work that revolutionized the mental health field! Sure, she’s more criminally inclined now, but I’d kill to pick her brains.”
Danny grinned. “Interesting word choice. You’d fit right in. It’s just weird that all of their psychologists turned into villains.”
“Okay, but I won’t. You’d stop me.”
“Or I’d join you,” Danny rolled back onto the floor.
“Don’t you dare, Daniel Fenton. You’d better stop me if I went villain.”
“But I feel like you’d have a pretty good reason for it though?”
“I appreciate the trust, dumbass, but I’m always this close to loosing it.” Jazz rolled her eyes as she jabbed a finger at Danny.
“Hah! You’ll fit right into Gotham!”
Jazz hummed. “So, Gotham?”
“Yeah, why not?”
——
“Danny!”
“Little busy!” Danny dodged a blast from a GIW agent.
“Why’d you pick up, then?”
“You don’t call often- hey, can you guys knock it off? I’m on a call!” Danny shouted. Surprisingly the agents stopped.
“Woah. You guys actually stopped?”
“We’re anti-ghost, not rude cavemen. Finish your call, Phantom, so we can get back to capturing you.” The agent with red hair said. Her partner nodded their head.
“Riiiight.” Phantom floated away a bit. “What did you want to talk about?” He asked Jazz.
“So, Dr. Quinzel-”
Danny heard a further off “Call me Harley, darling!”
“Harley,” Jazz continued seamlessly. “Is dating Ivy, a meta! Which, totally cute and their relationship is so healthy. Goals, honestly-”
Danny heard another far off comment, “Awe, thanks, Jazzy-wazzy!”
“But long story short, they got in touch with the Justice League about the GIW and they’re getting pulled back! And disbanded! Are you fighting the agents? Can you see if they’ve got the order to pull back?”
“Wait, seriously?” Danny perked up, the exhaustion from the fight all but gone. “I’ll ask.”
Danny turned to the two agents, pulling the phone away from his ear. “Hey! Did you guys get orders to stop hunting me? I heard the Justice League got involved.”
“What? We didn’t-”
“Shit, wait, we got orders.” Her partner jabbed their phone at her.
“Fuck. This isn’t over, Phantom!”
“Yeah, yeah! Shoo!” Danny watched them peel away. “Thanks, Jazz! Maybe I’ll finally get a peaceful school year.”
“R.I.P.” Jazz solemnly intoned.
“Dead-ass.” Danny replied, just as seriously before the both of them broke. Cackling, Danny said goodbye to Jazz.
“Maybe I should get some gifts? Hm… Undergrowth has some rare plants.” Danny muttered as he flew back home.
#danny phantom#jazz fenton#dc x dp#dpxdc#dc x dp crossover#Harley Quinn#that’s DOCTOR Harleen Quinzel to you#poison ivy#harley x ivy#Gotham#justice league#the giw#Jazz Fenton goes to college and takes down a government branch with the aid of well known criminals
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just a girl | f1
an: this is me asking for your letterboxd pls i need letterboxd mutuals 🤭 my account is deadpunks also made the reader have glasses because we need more glasses representation in fanfics 😔 (to the girlies that wear glasses, this is for you!!!)



Las Vegas Grand Prix Weekend
“What movie did I watch?” Y/n read the comment that a fan left on her instagram live. She adjusted her glasses and smiled. “I just finished ‘Drop Dead Gorgeous’ it’s so underrated. The cast is so iconic like you have Kirsten Dunst, Brittany Murphy, Denise Richards, Amy Adams and Allison Janney in one movie. It’s definitely in my top four.”
It was hours after qualifying and Y/n was exhausted, but all she wanted to do was finish watching her movie. Unfortunately for her, the movie she had just named wasn’t anywhere on streaming so she brought her portable dvd player and a stack of dvds. When Lando saw her watching a movie and crocheting a scarf for herself in her garage, he laughed at the scene. He actually found it adorable.
“What’s my letterboxd? Okay, listen. . . I don’t give it out to just anyone so this is between you lovely people and me, okay? My letterboxd is ilovecillianmurphy420 and please follow me, I am desperate,” Y/n laughed. She then took her phone and saw all the new follower notifications from letterboxd. “I’m going to ask the social media admin to ask everyone on the grid for their four favorites. Lando is definitely going to name animated movies. That or he’ll forget what a movie is and say nothing.”
What’s your four favorites?
“Whoever your asked for my four favorites, I’m blocking you. How dare you ask me that question . . . Paddington 1 and 2, Saw and Mamma Mia. I know I said drop dead gorgeous was in my top four, but I lie all the time.”
The next day, her letterboxd account had become the second most followed account.
INSTAGRAM

liked by oscarpiastri, letterboxd and others
yourusername just watched the masterpiece that is jackass number two
formulaupdating can i ask why you don’t post about f1 that often?
yourusername no you may not
oscarpiastri i was there too
yourusername ok
landonorris didn’t you watch that last week?
yourusername this is my own private domicile and i will not be harassed
landonorris ?
yourusername bitch
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After The Race / Interviews
Y/n hated being interviewed, it was the absolute worst thing on earth. No wait, forgetting her AirPods was the worst thing, but interviews were right behind that. She was exhausted and now she had to deal with reporters asking her what she thought about the championship battle.
Her fingers brushed the strap of her cap nervously as the interviewer’s voice cut through her anxiety.
“Y/n, P7 today—solid result. How are you feeling?" The reporter asked.
Y/n blinked, her eyes flicking around as she tried to process the question, and then her gaze landed on her own shoes. She cleared her throat awkwardly, looking up only to meet the camera for a brief, uncomfortable moment.
“Uh, yeah. It, uh . . . it was. . . good. I mean . . . yeah, I’m happy with it, I guess," she mumbled, her voice faltering.
The reporter smiled kindly, already used to the shy responses. “What do you think made the difference here in Vegas?" He waited patiently for Y/n’s answer.
Y/n’s lips parted as she prepared an answer, but the words tangled up in her brain. She shifted from foot to foot, adjusting her grip on the cap. Fuck, why can’t you think of anything?!, she thought to herself. “Uh . . . I don’t know . . . it’s just . . . uh, a little . . . weird, with all the lights and, you know, the . . . Strip, and, um . . .” Her voice trailed off.
The interviewer gave her a soft chuckle, understanding that Y/n’s awkwardness wasn’t lack of confidence, but rather a product of her introverted nature. Before the interview could go on, two figures appeared behind Y/n.
Oscar had cut in, Y/n’s pair of glasses in his hand. He placed a hand on her shoulder and handed the glasses to her while Lando ruffled her hair. She happily accepted them and placed them on her face.
“Alright, alright,” he said with a grin, his voice gentle but firm. “You’ve tortured her enough, mate.”
Y/n let out a relieved sigh as she turned to Oscar, who gave her a small, reassuring smile. “You’re doing great, really,” he said quietly, his tone meant to ease her nerves.
Lando then spoke up. “Are we done with the interrogation? She's literally about to disappear into her own head if we keep this up."
The reporter chuckled. “I was just asking Y/n about her performance today.”
Y/n hadn’t even noticed that she had completely abandoned the interview. She had started doodling on Oscar’s hand. The Aussie had given her the pen he had used from a fan when he was signing autographs. It was their thing. Whenever she would get nervous and Oscar was around, he would let her draw on his hand. Somehow the hand doodles calmed her.
“Right, Y/n?”
That’s when she picked up her head and noticed Lando was staring at her. “Sorry, what?”
“The race,” Lando reminded her. “She was brilliant out there. Absolutely nailed it.” Y/n didn’t have the words to argue. Instead, she ducked her head, feeling both embarrassed and grateful.
The three drivers said their goodbye to the reporter and walked away. Lando threw an arm over Y/n’s shoulder, grinning. “You know, for someone who hates interviews, you’ve got a hell of a lot to say . . . just not when it’s on camera.”
Y/n’s lips twitched into a small smile, and she felt a brief wave of gratitude for her friends’ protective camaraderie. She glanced at Oscar, who gave her a knowing nod, his usual quiet confidence offering her a sense of calm.
“You guys are unbelievable.” Y/n laughed lightly.
“Yeah well you’re the idiot who’s going to have to deal with us.” Lando replied.
“Unfortunately.” She teased.
“The idiot with the crocheting skills and silly little film reviews that are very popular on the box app.” Lando added.
“What?” Y/n stopped walking and stared at Lando. She looked over at Oscar for an answer, but the Aussie just shrugged his shoulders.
“I do believe our dear Y/n wants a hot priest?” Lando teased, bringing up Y/n’s lastest letterboxd review about Fleabag. “That’s a bit scandalous, don’t you think?”
“Hot priest?” Oscar couldn’t believe Lando had just said those two words together.
“You two don’t get it! Come on, we’re watching Fleabag!”
#formula 1#f1 x reader#formula 1 imagine#f1 imagine#f1 x you#f1#f1 driver!reader#platonic f1 x reader
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Do you have any advice on how to write creepy villains who are also classy? I know that's rather specific, but I have trouble writing them because I creep myself out and I'm also worried I'm being too cheesy!
Writing Ideas: Creepy Villains
"Creepy" Characters
When you get creeped out by someone, that means that there is something about them that is making you (consciously or unconsciously) perceive them as a threat to your personal safety.
It is your brain’s way of warning you that there is something:
unpredictable,
unsettling, or
dangerous
...about that person, and it is unable to decide if that person should be feared.
This typically manifests in awkwardness, confusion, or unsettlement, and you typically resolve it by getting as far away from the creepy person as possible.
Kinds of "Creeps"
Creeps come in all shapes and sizes, and their reasons for their creepy behavior could be sinister or entirely accidental.
In addition to that, many factors that people perceive as creepy are things that people cannot help, such as appearance or gender.
For example, men are far more likely to be considered creepy than women, and physical attractiveness plays a large role as well.
People can even disagree about what they consider to be creepy.
Depending on the character, the setting, and the story you are writing, being a “creep” could have wildly different connotations.
In one story, a creep might be a suspect in a murder case, while in another, a woman could feel threatened by her creepy blind date.
Or, the creep in question could simply be a teenage boy trying to fit in at high school.
Creepiness can even be a good thing!
Some of the most beloved characters in media come across as creepy characters, such as Stein from Soul Eater or the entirety of the Addams Family.
Misunderstandings can also work in your favor, as your protagonists can experience character development as they learn to accept and befriend those who appear different from themselves.
To make a character a bit more unsettling and potentially reveal more about their creepy nature, consider giving them some of these traits and behaviors:
Erratic and unpredictable emotions
Unapologetic non-conformance to societal norms
A careless appearance (e.g., messy or greasy hair)
A habit of standing too close to people or not respecting personal boundaries
Weird or inappropriate expressions
Always appearing too tired or too energetic
Repeated quirks (e.g., fidgeting or licking their lips)
Obsessing over a single idea, person, group, or topic; usually of a taboo nature, such as sex or death, though it doesn’t always have to be (e.g., teenage girls can be creepy in the way they obsess over musical idols or bands.)
Avoiding eye contact
Conversational awkwardness, or an inability to pick up on social cues
Oversharing in conversation, especially about really personal topics
Showing too much or too little emotion (or the wrong emotion in a situation, such as finding humor in a funeral)
Collecting things, especially things that are usually deemed inappropriate to keep, such as fingernails, animal skulls, or other people’s trash (bonus points if the creep brags about their collection in conversation)
Having a hobby that involves watching something, such as bird watching (binoculars are an inherently creepy image)
Having unrealistic expectations for, or even idealizing, other people (often to the point of obsession)
Knowing too much about something or someone, and remembering way too many details
Staring, either into space, at animals, people, their own hands, etc.; staring is often creepy
This is in no way an exhaustive list. Remember that these traits alone are not enough to make a person creepy—they are only part of the strategy. One way of generating ideas is to think about real "creepy" people from your own life, from the news, or even other fictional stories. Think about the behaviors that, if you saw in real life, would make you keep your distance from someone. Think about the behaviors that frighten you, and use those.
Here are a couple of tamer ideas for behaviors to keep your creeps realistic and subtle:
Acting too calm under pressure
Having too much knowledge regarding a particular topic
Smiling at inappropriate times
Giving off the impression of knowing more than they let on
Being too friendly
Having a nonchalant attitude towards death and suffering
Phrasing things in a way that seems unnatural for a native speaker
Being insistent about getting what they want
Having or showing a lack of sympathy or emotion
Not taking anyone seriously, or taking people way too seriously
Evidence of trauma or a mysterious event in their past
Any peculiarities in attitude, attire, and hobbies
If you keep things in moderation, you might not have the same immediate effect on readers, but you have the opportunity to slowly build the creepiness up over time.
But remember: Just because someone is different does not mean they are creepy or dangerous.
Some Writing Tips:
Add details slowly
Find a balance between creepiness and humanization
Let the readers do the imagining
Show, don’t tell
Use strong verbs
"Classy" Characters
Some tropes that show a character is "classy":
Classy Cane: Stylish and sophisticated characters often have canes. Either because they actually need it due to a disability or just want to show off how classy they are.
Classy Cravat: A cravat is a strip of cloth originating from Croatia that is wrapped and tied around the neck, sometimes embellished with lace or other decals. It's a predecessor to the necktie, and a common accessory in 17th to 19th century men's fashion. It's also excellent shorthand to show your audience that a character is rich and classy. If a character in the modern era wants to show their status, but doesn't want to look like they popped out of a time machine, they will often wear a toned down Ascot. These have the similar connotations, just with a more modern touch.
Tea is Classy: The very practice of tea drinking is presented as a sign of wealth and privilege. In China, where Tea and Tea Culture originates, high-quality tea was often used by the nobility as a symbol of status. When tea eventually made its way to Britain in the 17th century, it was six to ten times more expensive than coffee, making it a luxurious commodity associated with aristocracy. Even as tea becomes more widespread and "common", and with diners selling "to go" paper cups of tea, the connotation of tea drinking as a sign of sophistication and wealth still persists.
Wine is Classy: Whenever a character is shown drinking wine, it's usually a good sign that person is high class or sophisticated (or trying to come off as such), especially if the wine comes from their special private stock. The connotations of this can vary depending on the person. This trope varies widely by culture. In most of Western and Southern Europe, particularly in countries with a strong wine-making tradition like France, Germany, Spain, and Italy, wine is viewed as a fairly mundane and commonplace beverage (to the point where wine is served in some McDonald's), though prestigious vintages and appellations still fit this trope and tend to be expensive. It's also (in France) almost only drunk during meals, not between, and binge drinking is met with more social disapproval than with beer cultures. This may be an artifact of Roman times when drinking full-strength wine was considered barbaric and it was thus often watered down.
Sources: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ⚜ More: References ⚜ Writing Resources PDFs
Writing a Villain
Villain Archetypes ⚜ Writing Notes: Villains
An Unforgettable Villain ⚜ Anti-Villain
Sympathetic Villain ⚜ Your Villain's Evil Plan
Here are some writing tips and references from different sources. Since both creepiness and class are quite subjective, choose which elements you would like to incorporate in your story to create your creepy but classy villain, considering your own perception of both characteristics, your plot etc. (On the same note, what's "cheesy" is also quite subjective. Some writers aim for realistic/believable depiction to avoid this, but then there's also that old writing advice: Write what you want). Hope this helps with your writing!
#anonymous#writing ideas#villain#character development#writeblr#writing tips#writing advice#dark academia#writers on tumblr#writing reference#spilled ink#literature#writing prompt#creative writing#light academia#writing inspiration#writing resources
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TICCI TOBY WITH A THING FOR KNUCKLE RUBBING LORD I BEG THAT IS THE REQUEST
𝐀𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐥𝐲
(𝗮𝗱𝘃.) 𝗜𝗻 𝗮 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗿 𝗿𝗼𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝘄𝗮𝘆

ׂ╰┈➤ Toby relationship knacks
note: i actually just got done with a full sobbing breakdown so this ask genuinely made me giggle i love you😭😂
Warning(s): GN!Reader, fluff nothing else<3 kinda..

No cause Anon you’re so right, like idk about anyone else but I LOVE knuckle rubs just in general and Toby 100% rubs your knuckles. All of them!!
Especially that little knuckle bone on your wrist tho I guess that’s a wrist bone.. what the difference..
But omg Toby LOVES hands; he loves holding your hand, kissing your fingers, your palms, EVERYTHING!
Toby is a very very touchy grabby feely person like 98.99% of the time. Of course he has his moments where that depression or anxiety hits all of us and he just,.. cannot handle any human interaction
But trust! He is holding your hands, thumb rubbing your knuckles, occasionally bringing your hand up to kiss.
And Toby is actually very open about PDA. Toby doesn’t really care about other people’s opinions or feelings if it isn’t you.. Tim.. Brian.. and Kate. So. Like. Ya know.
He keeps it more PG around them but 100% expect that if Toby ever does wiggle his way into town with you to go shopping he will slap your ass no care
So yeah no one is like shocked by just HOW often he kisses your knuckles. And it’s a lot
Toby pretty much is always with you, sure he heads off for house chores and maintenance and food but other that Toby is with you the whole 24HRS.
So he just… holds your hand. It’s really great actually. Toby doesn’t sweat, and he’s pretty chill not necessarily cold. So like it’s weirdly comfortable and satisfying to hold his hand
Sometimes he’ll hold your hand in his mouth if he’s doing something but still wants some body part of yours
We love the little cutie patootie
Toby 100% is the kinda guy that holds your hand when you guys have sex. I mean it, he loves it. He craves it. It’s just so.. close and intimate like those sappy old adult movies
*sobs*
Not to mention if YOU kiss his knuckles? Yeah he feels his heart tingle; back flipping, doing the tango. Toby is a very big emotion feeler. He feels rather intensely a majority of the time
Like he will break down crying holding your face telling you how much he loves you…
Me with my dog
But he is just a sucker for love. Don’t get me wrong, yes Toby has his moments, and his flaws, and lingering issues. But at the end of the day it genuinely is.. exhausting. And Toby isn’t just some emotionally stupid person he’s stupidly smart if anything lol
Especially canonically
And sometimes after eating a family of five, with your weird demon friend and masked adoptive mom you just wanna go home to your beloved and hold hands
Nothing wrong with that..
Omg going on dates Toby 100% holds your hand across the table. I don’t make the rules
(Ok sure your dates are always at home or the picnic table he built for you but it still counts)
He also LOVEEES how your hands feel, especially that soft skin one your knuckles. He had very very worked hands and just lovessss the differences in textures it itches something in his brain
Ride him, hold his hands as you bounce he will get you pregnant. Sucks if your a guy or mtf he don’t give a fuck. m!preg bitch take that
All in all. While Toby is 99.98% of the time a chaotic bundle of cannibalism, weird morals, demon possession and neurodivergence when he’s with you his only the neurodivergent and chaos LMAO
someone draw Toby kissing some hands<3
: ̗̀➛ Thank you again for this ask I have actually been so stupidly stressed today and this made me feel better. I promise Deer anon and other anon I am working on your requests too!! Just well tumblr decided not to save half the progress LMAO deer anon yours should come out tomorrow! — Ace
#creepypasta headcanons#creepypasta x reader#ticci toby x reader#creepypasta ticci toby#ticci toby#creepypasta#ticci toby x you#ticci toby headcanons#toby rogers
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Can Xelqua use his powers to avoid Grian’s Eyes? I’m imagining Xelqua getting mad at Grian or Grian getting mad at him and so Xelqua runs away for a bit and Grian panics because he can’t use his Eyes to find his kid
Oooooh ! Thats a funny idea, tho i always imagine the Eyes as like... spectator mode..? So Grian would have to already sorta know where Xelqua is to find him with the Eyes. Weird eyes just zooming around the map, x-raying, night vision....
Xelqua doesn't exactly know what hes doing with his Watcher powers, a lot of it comes just from his emotions since he's so young. If he's upset enough, maybe he can block Grian's eyes with his own ? Maybe ? He definitely has more than him.
Typically when Xelqua is upset with Grian, he'll tattle to Mumbo, or any close Hermit, its usually quite childish !
Grian has gotten really good at not getting mad at Xelqua--at least not showing it. This was different in the beginning of course, before he adjusted. Back in season 9 he'd often get annoyed with him and overwhelmed then. Which... I think could be a fun turning point in their dynamic.. Grian and Xelqua getting mad at each other, Grians exhausted and just not in the mood to go play outside or whatever, he snaps and uses the Good Ole "Because I said so !" argument towards Xelqua. Xelqua stomps his little feet and goes off to pout while Grian sighs heavily in a chair, he does feel way over his head, he really has a kid now ? He's practically still one himself ! Sorta, it feels like it sometimes.
Xelqua would gather courage while he's pouting, Grian doesn't ever let him go out, its not fair, he's always busy and rarely funny. Xelqua quietly goes out the door as soon as he hears Grian go to the bathroom or something.
Xelqua is not quick, he has tiny legs, he doesn't make much of a distant, but he's small, so he disappears quickly behind or under things.
Grian's panic is amplified by his Watcher instincts, losing sight of something--of a child--its a suffocating feeling, no matter how he felt moments ago. His little house in s9 is surrounded by water, he hates using Watcher magic, but theres no choice here, little purple eyes shoot out in every direction as his mind imagines the worst possible outcomes. Xelqua immediately catches the feeling of Eyes and its scary ! So against his own will, his own Eyes block Grian's. (Which doesn't help Grian's panic at all) Xelqua's instincts will always protect him, he's small, he's 5 years old, but the Watcher part of his brain is still watching out for him. Even though Grian is no threat to him, the Eyes feel scary, so they have to be blocked.
When Grian finally spots Xelqua, he uses his wings to propel himself forward to scoop Xelqua up. Xelqua barely has time to react. Grian lands a few steps ahead, still frazzled and holding Xelqua in his hands, his worry pours out mistakenly as anger. Where have you been ? Don't you know how dangerous it is here ? Grian realizes he's accidentally shouting and bites his tongue. He lets go of Xelqua and hugs him instead, which is probably the first time he's held him so tightly before while on the ground. Xelqua doesn't really know how to react to this, he thought he was in trouble, but ..? A little confusing !
Xelqua had probably JUST found a Hermit too, who was patiently and politely trying to get him to stay still while they contacted Grian. They can tell from Grian's reaction that Xelqua was definitely lying and did not get permission to walk around by himself (what a surprise)
Seeing Grian so stressed out probably pushes a few Hermits to ~gently remind Grian that hey.... you know you can always text us when you need help with him... any time !! any ! time !
Its a turning point for their dynamic, and a learning experience for both
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I wrote this out for FB and then thought I might as well share it here as well. So if you have ADHD, are a late-diagnosed adult with ADHD, and most particular if you are a person with a uterus and/or have children, this one might be for you.
...
Last couple of days have been a little...weird. Let's start at the beginning. Buckle up and learn something.
As many of you already know, I have ADHD. It's a condition with a PR problem--a lot of people, often even medical professionals, have a very distorted idea of what it does, and a very limited one. For starters, it's not about parenting, or lead paint, or lack of discipline. It's genetic, *highly* heritable, starts in childhood and persists throughout life, and is a sufficiently severe disability that it comes with a decrease in life expectancy of up to 13 years. It is a visible difference that can be perceived in brain scans. These are all, at this point, well established and thoroughly attested in the scientific literature. ADHD affects up to 5% of the population and appears across cultures. It is very common.
It's not just about lack of attention--in fact, plenty of medical professionals think the name should be changed, as in fact the problem isn't the volume of attention but the way we struggle to direct it. We are motivated by interest, and struggle to properly weight future goals and consequences, specifically because they are in the future. If the robin outside the window is more immediately rewarding to our brain, we will watch that, and not the teacher. Our ability to properly weigh the consequences of that choice is negatively impacted by our own biochemistry.
We struggle with many of what are termed the "executive functions", the self management systems of the brain. Degree and presentation varies from person to person, but initiating tasks, completing tasks, staying ON task, restraining impulses, emotional regulation, and working memory are among the things impacted. My working memory is notoriously horrible. When they send you those activation codes on your phone? I often have to go back and read them out several times to enter a six digit number. I have to stop and remind myself what I'm doing between every step of my morning bathroom routine, or making tacos. Sometimes I take off my glasses to put on my contacts, reset, and reach for my pill bottles while I still can't see. My long-term memory is also affected, with my husband de facto serving as the memory-holder of the family.
Another common symptom I personally experience is "time blindness", which can mean both that you have no "internal clock" that has a clear idea of the passage of time, and that our ability to properly weight the importance of things in the future is impacted. So, for example, I can know intellectually what's coming, but it takes some really complex and exhausting antics to actually focus and work on those things if they're more than a week or sometimes even a couple days away.
Without externally imposed controls, many ADHD people flounder and fail to meet social markers of success. Estimates of how many ADHD people manage to complete college range from 5% to 15%. Again: 5% to 15%! I have failed twice myself. WITH externally imposed controls, ADHD people often have to work far harder to make their brains do what is required, and either fail and develop an image of themselves as failures (usually with plenty of external help), or keep fighting and suffer crippling burnout.
To that point, ADHD is HIGHLY comorbid with a whole range of knock-on conditions, some of which stem from the same brain patterns that give rise to the ADHD itself, and others from the trauma of living with a disability, but they include very high rates of depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, social isolation, and addiction. I have dealt with depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia my entire adult life. I have never ended up in the trap of self-medication but let's be real, that's partly about having supports and a healthy social environment. It's not some accomplishment I praise myself for, nor is addiction a sin I shame anyone for.
And anxiety has a very different texture to it when what you're really anxious about is the next time you fail in some catastrophic way. Lock your keys in the car. Completely space on a doctor's appointment. Go to pay for groceries and find that your wallet is next to your computer at home. Because the anxiety is not irrational fear of some generalized bad thing. These things do and will happen, regularly. Sometimes it feels like the only fix is getting good at recovering. Because no matter how many times you manage not to blow it, there's always another chance.
So, the struggle to be a reliable person, to be a consistent parent, to be a dependable life partner, is continuous. And it is so so so hard and it sometimes feels like you're not actually making any progress at all. I have tried therapy. I have tried three (or four??) different non-stimulant medications that sometimes help people. One of them DID help. ALL of them had catastrophic side effects. There were times as I was trialing these medications when I needed to be minded because I wasn't capable of taking care of anything, not even myself. Without Jacob, I don't know where I'd be. Not here. Probably in poverty, which is where he found me.
I have tried probably most organizational tools you know of. I have tried imposing schedules, all of which turned to dust and ash when the next fibromyalgia flareup or the next major life disruption happened. I don't think a new schedule has ever lasted a month before.
I HAVE felt like I'm made progress lately. I learned things that really helped my fibromyalgia, which gave me the space to work on other things--just like getting the borders of a puzzle finished. Enough things were spiraling upwards, and I think I might be cementing some gains. I have felt optimistic.
But in the meantime, I asked my doctor if, now that no less than three cardiologists have insisted my heart is Perfectly Healthy, I could finally try stimulant medications. After decades of use, Adderall, Ritalin, and a couple related stimulant drugs are still the gold standard for ADHD treatment and improve outcomes substantially for many people. And stimulants are in serious international shortage. Have been for many months. The only one she thought she could get me was Adderall. And she didn't dare try anything but the standard 30mg because nonstandard dosages would be even less attainable.
So now I'm taking Adderall. One week on 30mg, which I stopped when it was clear my function was being seriously impaired rather than improved. Reassessed with the doctor, now trying 60mg, because that's two of the pills I've already managed to obtain. It is....too much. And in some ways it fixes problems I wasn't working on, while so far making my executive function, my initiation or even *contemplation* of tasks, virtually nonexistant. Which was, of course, the thing I was trying to fix.
So yeah. When you have the context, I figure you can understand the substance of my frustration yourself. If you have children, I don't think you need my help to imagine what it would be like to know that you are unpredictable, or to see that your children are used to to you undergoing events that make you act strangely and erratically. I think just knowing that often, new medications introduce themselves by giving me a migraine, and I know this is possible when I take that first pill, is fairly self-explanatory. And so I expect you can imagine what it would be like, with all of this as a backdrop, to experience worsening of your symptoms, probably because of age-related hormonal changes. To in desperation try something you'd previously been denied. And to learn that it probably won't help.
In a week, I will either give up on Adderall for now or find a way to make it work. I'll put together the pieces yet again--at this point, possibly my strongest personal skill--and continue that upward climb as far as I can get. I'm incredibly fortunate in that regardless, I will be fed and dry and warm and loved. But right now, I feel justified in some serious dismay.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀LISTEN TO ALPHA, BABYGIRL ──── 니키
𝐀𝐋𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐋𝐘 ❝ where riki was minyoung's boy, even if he was weird sometimes
사랑 506 / CONTAINS cursing, my attempt at humour, ni-ki uses 'babygirl' and 'alpha' (obviously) 𓈒 𓈒 « 𝐋𝐈𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐑𝐘 » SELENE ⸝⸝ reposting because i'm transferring my written works to this blog. if you see this already posted on minhypen, don't worry, it's me
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀comments ﹙ ♡ ﹚ reblogs
MINYOUNG LOVED RIKI WITH ALL HER HEART. He was the best boyfriend she could ask for—romantic, caring, hot, playful...
...and sometimes, just straight out weird.
But she didn't mind, he was her boy after all.
Sometime in April 2024
It started with a silly argument. Both of them wanted to lie on top of the other, feeling the need to be taken care of after a particularly exhausting day.
Minyoung would usually accept being laid on, but her body felt extra fragile that day. Riki was not an easy weight to support, obviously, and Minyoung just wanted to feel her boyfriend's hands caressing her as his heartbeat lulled her to sleep. She was just a girl, after all.
She didn't think it was too much to ask for, especially since Riki got to be on top more often than Minyoung did.
So there she was. Arguing with her boyfriend on his bed as he stared at her with an unconvinced expression on his face. "So you should just—"
Riki brought a finger to her lips, shushing her. “Babygirl, listen to alpha,” he said, eyes sharp as he stared at her, purposefully deepening his voice, "it's my turn to sleep on top because I let you sleep on me last time." Minyoung's argument flew out of her head at his words as she stared at the younger like he’d grown two heads.
He probably had, and lost his brain too because what the fuck?
While Minyoung was racking her head trying to figure out what was wrong with her boyfriend, Riki took the opportunity to push her by the arms on to his pillow and lay himself between her legs, snuggling his face into her stomach, “alpha’s going to sleep, be a good girl for me and don’t move.”
What's gotten into him?
Minyoung stared down with a confused (and slightly disgusted) expression as Riki hummed contently with his eyes closed, lips brushing her tummy. Realising that he truly meant his words, she threw her head back with a sigh, "Lord help me, my baby boyfriend has gone bloody crazy."
"What was that?" Riki tried to growled with one eye open.
"Nothing alpha, nothing at all," switching up in the blink of an eye, Minyoung smiled sweetly at the boy on top of her, purposely raising the pitch of her voice to feign politeness. Hand coming up to stroke his hair, her heart fluttered at the fond smile he threw her way, "you can go to sleep."
"Good." Minyoung chuckled softly at the satisfaction in his voice and the fact that he had managed to have his way with her somehow. That cunning, adorable boy.
Would baby engenes believe her if she told them just how much of a weirdo their cool idol Ni-ki was? Probably, probably not. Riki wouldn't let her though, something about maintaining an image among his admirers.
Fair enough, Minyoung supposed, but she knew they'd love every side of him just as much as she did.
And she loved him so damn much.
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