#but I'm trying to build myself up the willpower to do so.

[answrs]

they're finally home. i haven't opened the packages yet but after four years my girls are finally home.

[furiousgoldfish]

(tw mention of suicidal thoughts)

Alright so I am writing this because I can't find anyone to talk to, and my brain is letting me know that I need to talk about it somewhere.

I am falling depressed, and I'm unsure if it's genuine depression, or some sort of deep grief that is just feeling very similar. And I've already looked up what you're supposed to do if you're trying to break out of depression; I am sleeping full 8 hours on a regular sleep schedule, I shower regularly, I do my best to eat regular meals (sometimes it doesn't happen due to lack of energy), if I have any energy left in me, I take a little walk, I pay attention to my surroundings. I do my best to answer messages and to socialize, even superficially, with the people I see.

However, despite me doing all that, the deep feeling of sadness is persevering, in fact it gets worse after my walks, I end up going home in worse feeling of dread than before.

I was going to keep trying to break out of it, and then today something bad and triggering happened, and my mind just went very dark. Like what is even the point anymore? I started considering if anyone around me would be impacted by my suicide. And then just tried to dissociate from the bad thing that happened, tried to create reality in which it didn't. Like I could ignore it out of existence. Like maybe if I just curl up over there and never look at anything ever again, maybe then bad things would go away.

I tried to comfort myself thinking I could, at least, tell people around me and see if anyone would say anything kind or helpful, but people around me did not care at all, would go on about their troubles instead and looked at me like I was weirdo for complaining. Which again, made me feel like talking to people was the worst idea ever and like I was dumb for even engaging, I should have known I'm alone in this.

So now I'm back to sinking down in my grief, occasionally getting numb from it and sinking again. I had periods, years of grief in the past, and it just feels like you're slowly dying, right, and it doesn't stop and it feels suffocating and like you'd do anything for it to stop. But also in the past, I knew what I was grieving; it was the loss of my delusion of family, loss of hope that I will have family members who are in any way safe for me, loss of security and safety that comes with family, acknowledgment that I was abandoned and left with predators for the most of my life. I thought I was done grieving about all that, because for a while I just didn't think about it, and it didn't bother me. I don't think that's what I'm grieving now.

It's actually hard to pinpoint it, because my memories are mostly gone, but I think it's the loss of friendships in my life. I've tried hard to build connections with other people, even as scared and reluctant I was feeling about it, but it always fell trough, and left me feeling with less hope. The ends of friendships were so traumatic for me, that my memories of the entire friendships got deleted. And I can tell right now that hearing anything about people having friends, spending time together and helping each other, that usually sets my grief off, and causes me to start crying regardless of where I am. I tried to recall my past memories of friendships, but all I get back are things I never want to feel or live trough again. Every memory feels like enough reason never to interact with a person again, all of them cut so deep I have to dissociate from them right away.

And basically I don't know what to do. I am losing every bit of my willpower or energy to do anything. Even with my best efforts to stay upright, to interact with my environment and go to walks, I'm only out of bed while I'm working. And I'm randomly bursting into tears and collapsing while I'm doing my job. I am messing up basic tasks. There isn't any activity that isn't exhausting. And everything I cared about feels like nothing to me. I can't even imagine a future, which is usually what I did to pull myself out of bad moods, I would imagine a future where I had a home of my own, and security that I would be able to survive there without having to fight for my life. Now it feels like even if I had that, I would just still want to die.

I've been slowly falling into this place for months, but it is more real today than at any time before. I've put so much effort not to end up feeling like this but... it only makes me more sad to know I'm in this mess anyway. I don't know what to do. I've tried interacting with people, I've tried befriending people, every new interaction feels like it's going to drown me further.

[hisonlykiwi]

falling apart

your relationship with nanami had felt rocky these past few weeks.

wc: 950 (really short but damn did I cry a little writing this)

warnings: none, just nanami being kind of mean.

a/n: please let me know you think in the comments!! <3

-----------------------------------------------------------

You sat on the opposite side of the couch, across from Nanami. He hadn’t said a word to you since he came home late from work, matter of fact, maybe a few days since he last spoke to you. It’s been like this for weeks now, Nanami constantly ignoring you. He has been so angry lately, you tried to not let it get to you but you’ve been dating nearly three years now, something was up. 

You glance over at his direction, he’s reading a book, you know you shouldn’t bother him but the itch of wanting to ask him what’s wrong gets stronger with every passing day. After a few moments, you build up the courage to say “Nanami?” in a gentle voice, careful not to be too loud and startle him.

“What is it?” He signed, putting his book down and looking over in your direction with an annoyed look in his face. You gulped down the lump forming in your throat, “Is everything okay?” You asked, looking over at him. 

Having his eyes on you, finally, it’s felt like weeks since he even bothered to look at you. “Everything is fine.” He replied but there was something off in the way he said it, something betraying the lie that came out of his mouth. 

You looked away, unsure of what to say next, he already seems frustrated at you but you don’t understand why and it’s making you angry that he is acting like this. “Did I do something?” You ask, unable to look in his general direction. It was quiet for a few moments “...No.” His tone became agitated and thick with frustration, “Why does it have to take for something to be wrong for you to ask how I'm doing?" You look over at him with confusion in your features. The confused look on your face seemed to set him off further, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“What are you talking about?” You ask, clearly confused, you always check up on him, make sure he is okay, you don’t know where this frustration is coming from. His voice interrupts your thoughts "I mean, you only ever seem to ask me how I'm doing when there are clear signs of something going on. Why can't you just ask how I'm doing like a normal person? Why wait until everything falls apart?" 

You get up from the couch in disbelief at his tone and his words, the confusion being laced with anger. Seeming to know the answer already, you dare to ask “What exactly has fallen apart, Nanami?” He scoffed and repeated back the words to you in a mimicking tone. 

“This relationship, what else?! Did you think I didn't know why you were so upset this entire evening?” He got up from the couch and walked towards you with a scowl on his face. Tears brimming in your eyes, “This relationship feels like it's falling apart because you hardly ever acknowledge my existence or hardly ever speak to me, I don’t know how to talk to you without getting mad at me. And now you’re throwing your behavior back in my face saying I don’t care about you?” You flail your arms up in disbelief, letting a tear run down your cheek. 

He clenched his jaw tightly, trying even harder to keep his anger in check. However, he failed. “You have to understand. Do you have any clue how draining and stressful my job is? How exhausting it is, not only on my body but on my mental health? I barely have enough willpower to keep going and when I come home, all I want is some time for myself. But instead, you act like a spoiled child begging for attention!” Unsure of what to say, you take a step back, hugging yourself trying to find some comfort with his voice repeating over and over in your head. 

A few tears involuntarily falling down your cheeks. He saw the tears in your eyes and let the scowl on his face soften only a bit. It had become hard for him to hide the pain and exhaustion in his voice. "It just isn't easy for me, you know? After working a long hard day all I want is some peace and quiet. Yet you pester me for my attention as if I don't have enough to deal with as it is. I'm exhausted and I just want to rest...." You look at the floor with an expressionless face, words failing you. 

How long has he felt this way? Has he always felt like this? Why has he been with you so long then if he had thought you were just some nagging woman begging for an ounce of his attention. You look over at him, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “How about I do you one last favor, Nanami?” You took a deep, shaky breath, “We’re done.” 

He looked down at you, expression unchanged. He didn't look surprised one bit. He remained standing there in silence for a few seconds before responding. "Alright. Fine. Leave. I don’t have time for this." You sucked in a breath, trying to not cry more and further humiliate yourself. You didn’t recognize the man standing in front of you, that job of his had changed him so much over the past three years. Nanami turned back to the couch and sat back down. He picked up his book again, resuming where he left off.

It was like you didn't even exist to him at that point. It was hard to see the man you loved turn into an apathetic shell of who he was.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Hey so I read your post about writing web serial (I deeply adore TTO:U) and I was wondering if you have any tips for building up consistency in getting chapters out? I've been writing fic for a while and no matter what I try I always end up falling off whatever deadline cycle I set for myself.

Ik that at the end of the day the solution is to just make myself do it but do you have any particular techniques you use to keep your willpower up against these kinds of repetitive deadlines?

Here's what I used to do for the first few years:

Figure out how many words per day you write before it becomes a chore. This is NOT how many you write during NaNoWriMo or whatever. it's how many you can write in a day before it feels like work. For most people, this is somewhere between 500 words and 2k words. For me, it's about 1k words.

Multiply that by 30. So for me, it's 30k.

Halve that. For me, 15k. This is the amount that you will write per month. Do NOT set daily or weekly goals; this will do nothing but make you feel terrible on the days you don't write. use the monthly goal only.

You'll usually hit this goal around the middle of the month (since it's half of your Chill Writing Amount). Sometimes you'll hit it after a few days, sometimes on the last day. But usually around the middle. When you hit the goal, keep writing until your next natural stopping point (usually the end of the chapter, although some dramatic moments might necessitate another chapter), and then STOP. No more writing for the month. It can wait until next month. You're raring to keep writing? Good! You want that enthusiasm! That's valuable fuel to keep you from falling off the wagon. Use it to think about what you're going to write next so that on the 1st of the next month, you are ready and it's good and easy to write.

Set your release schedule so that you're publishing a bit less than your monthly goal per month

Don't start publishing until you've got 2-3 months' worth of your monthly goal saved up as a buffer. This way, you don't have to worry about some major life event (like a hospitalisation) wrecking your schedule.

If you can't write a story consistently *at all* then there's nothing I can do to help, I'm afraid. But most likely your problem is volume. Pushing as much as you can for months on end will burn out your enthusiasm. It's best to ration yourself.

[kaladinsspear]

Diary entry featuring thoughts on burnout and burnout recovery. Feel free to read or give your thoughts if you want, but its probably not that interesting to most people. ^_^

I have been very frustrated with myself lately. I have always been a relatively disciplined and internally motivated person, but lately it feels like my willpower just doesn't exist. I have slept past my alarm and been late for work, gotten distracted by my phone and added hours to my work day, missed assignment deadlines and blew off assigned reading at school, let my room become a mess, missed doctor appointments, eaten a stupid amount of sugar, ect. Its honestly embarrassing, and I've been really angry with myself.

I just saw a post talking about how a freelance worker structures their day and enforces breaks for things like yoga, nutritious meals, and walking. They build vacation days into their schedule, and they do not work on weekends. The poster said that when they first started working freelance, the worked so much that they burnt out, and are only just now starting to regain a measure of the productivity that they lost.

Reading that post gave me an epiphany: I'm burnt the fuck out and it makes sense that I'm struggling to be productive. I have spent the last 4 years (at least) in a state of near panic trying to manage the amount of work I had to do. I was getting up at 5:30, going to bed at 10:30/11:00 and pushing pushing pushing every minuite inbetween. I got to sleep in until 9:00 on the weekends, and that was the extent my break.

I guess the post just made me realize that burnout requires recovery, and that recovery takes longer than a few weeks or even a few months. I might be in a much better place, but it it took me years to get here, it is going to take more than a few months to recover.

In light of this epiphany, I'm going to stop stressing about it so much. Its summer, which means that I have from sunrise until sunset to get my work done, and the pools are mostly clean. I'm going to try to get distracted as little as possible, but im not going to be mad at myself for struggling to stay on task. Extra long work days are irritating, but it wont effect my paycheck and it wont effect my reputation in the company. I'm not going to go back to school full time. I have to keep going because if I stop I have to start paying student loans, but I'm going to accept that it will take me an extra couple years to graduate and stick with 2 classes a semester instead of 4.

I'm not going to change what I'm doing all that much, but I'm going to show myself a little more forgivenes and grace and trust that I am a responsible and disciplined person, that that those parts of my personality will reassert themselves when I have recovered enough for them to do so. In the mean time, my job is to find support structures to keep my life together, and cultivate an environment which allows me to grow.

[prettyhighforawhiteguyblog]

Friends of ours lost their 22yo son to suicide recently. He was struggling, but kept the depth of it hidden. There are no words of comfort to give, only grieving alongside those who have lost one that they love.

A good friend pointed out that in the midst of this weeping, while it does not diminish the grief, perhaps something good might come out in that those who are similarly struggling with thoughts of suicide might get some perspective that their lives matter beyond the tiny world mental illness traps you in. Your life matters and is worth living.

Our brains are a precariously balanced mix of meat, electricity, and chemicals. Sometimes because of our experiences and/or biology our brains begin to lie to us. It withholds joy and pleasure. "It’s like trying to laugh at a joke that isn’t funny. Trying to smile for a photo you don’t want to be in. It’s like waking up in the morning and hating that you actually woke up. It feels like someone is just draining the energy out of you all the time, every moment you are awake." Doing anything requires immense willpower. Just plain old staying alive becomes a conscious choice made over and over again. You are just so tired and everything is just too much to deal with. The constant state of suffering leads one to try various ways to feel something positive, feel anything, or just escape the emptiness. It's why depressed people try so hard to bring joy to others and help others- they want to prevent others from suffering too and it allows them to feel some happiness vicariously.

The inevitable diminishing returns on the attempts to feel better, feel anything, or just escape eventually lead to the conclusion that there is only one way out of this hell. And depression shrinks our awareness of our own meaningfulness and inner world. The void is all we can perceive. The knowledge that we are loved, cared for, or important is lost. We can sincerely believe that our loss will not so drastically affect our loved ones and escape through death is a viable option.

These are all false of course. Falsehoods our sick brain tells us with honesty, because suicide is quite reasonable given what we are perceiving.

If you are feeling like you don't want to be here, wishing you would not wake up, desiring an accident, imagining about killing yourself, drugging yourself into oblivion, or seriously thinking about if or how you might kill yourself, you need to talk to someone. I got lucky. Someone who loves me more than I love myself saw me spiraling into self-destruction and made me get help and continues to support me in spite of myself. I spent years where my full-time job was not research or teaching, but just keeping myself alive. It's still my job now and then. But the difference now is that after many years of therapy and prescriptions I know that feeling is temporary and false.

I'm sorry it hurts so much right now. When you have some distance from these feelings (I hope that you will give yourself the chance to), I hope you can see that your life is worthwhile and important because you are.

But the only way out is through and that requires talking. I hope you have people nearby who love you you can talk to. If you do, talk to them. If you don't, this will be harder. Either way, you should also get into counseling. A good counselor will help you find ways to survive, build better mental pathways, & develop tools for processing emotions.

Brutal honesty- American mental health treatment system is shit and difficult to navigate. We have far too few professionals in many areas and online is often the only option. But you are a fighter. Look at you all alive and shit when depression has been trying to kill you 24-7. Live a little bit longer. You can do it. And if you are going to live a little bit longer, counseling can help you live it a little bit better.

[tavyliasin]

ATG Side Story - Villain? Saviour.

Pairing: Tav/Raphael SPICE Rating: 4/5 Content Warnings: Sex, hurt/comfort, minor peril, injury detail, some medical treatment (non-sexual context),  willpower bondage (mild)   

Spoilers Act 3 House of Hope, Steel Watch Canon Compliance Barely. There's an element of the canon in how the Steel Watch are dealt with, but that's about it. Other Notes This one might well end up moved into proper ATG continuity at a later date I'm just not sure when. I was inspired to write some soft Raphael so that's exactly what I did, imagining exactly the kind of scenario that might force the devil to show some care, because all nine hells know he's not doing that by choice. 

Mood/Song Firedancer by Poets of the Fall "Sage advice or sensory overload Whatever the pressure However your pleasure holds you captive to the treasure No matter how the earth reverberates You're dancing with the greats With the fools and their fates For time, it never waits. (Crash the gates) Firedancer, flame of life (What remains) Is a gamble, fall or fly (Play your ace) and remember there's a why You should always question the answer."

----- FULL CHAPTER BELOW THE CUT -----

The building had already begun to shake. Oil slicked the floor and broken machine parts made an obstacle course of their escape. Of course there had been not a second to spare to try and clear a sensible path, and several times curses were muttered as feet skidded in bloodied mess, boots desperate to find purchase on metal and stone to propel them as far away from the impending explosion as possible. The Steel Watch were about to fall, the Gondians all but safe, save for one. Tav stopped, putting her arm around the injured man to help get him to safety, but she had fallen behind. The others were still sprinting ahead as she summoned every bit of strength in her body to carry him and get them out. The doors were wide open onto sunlit streets, where hundreds cowered in the shadow of brutal machines. Perhaps some could be saved, maybe they weren’t too late- “KARLACH!” Tav yelled, using the last of her adrenaline to bodily hurl the injured gnome towards her, trusting the tiefling to catch him. Unfortunately, her boots were still coated in gore and lubricant. While the Gondian flew to apparent safety, Tav fell forwards, landing hard. The next second, the bomb went off. The ground shook and the Foundry went up in a huge explosion. The amount of incendiary within the building was more than enough to send the masonry flying. Tav’s ears rang, barely able to hear the sound of her friends crying out, her lovers reaching towards her with fear on their faces seeing it was already too late. She felt the door itself, half splintered but still heavy enough to break bone, crash into her hip. Wood pierced her skin, the impact shattering her thigh. White hot pain coursed through her entire body, more stone hitting her, the smell of burning and explosive and…sulphur? She barely held on to the edge of her consciousness, vision blurry, as she saw something… someone , appear before her in a brief flash of light. Then everything went dark. — Raphael paced the room back and forth restlessly. Occasionally his hand raked through his usually perfect hair, other times it tapped against his chin in the brief moments he stopped walking. No, not now. How utterly ridiculous a notion. Far too much planning- His mind raced, emotions that were little understood fighting for dominance in his consciousness. “That vicious little shit.” He voiced his complaints aloud at last, earning a slight huff from his slightly-too-perfect mirror on the bed. “I told you he would be trouble when you let him go,” Haarlep couldn’t resist pointing out the harsh truth, “but you insisted.”

“It was meant to play out perfectly. All he had to do was get the crown, then I could wrest it from his grimy little fingers, and the Hells would be MINE. There was no chance that I could steal it from the vault myself, bastard would’ve sensed me a mile away. But a former cobbler’s son bound in service? He’d pay no mind to that.” Raphael stopped. This wasn’t the issue at hand. “How is it that he built such ridiculous machines? And why did she feel the need to play hero?” “Oh I think you well know the answer to that one, Archduke.” The insulting nickname stung far sharper this time, that same pawn that could have crowned himself King took the very title that Raphael coveted for so long. “You’ve said it yourself before. She’s unpredictable .” “She’s a liability, Harlot.” Raphael shot back with a weaker venom. “How can something so fragile hold the key to everything we need- everything I need.” He corrected himself. “Why don’t you stop your complaining and check on her already?” Haarlep sighed, tired of hearing the same conversation repeat on a loop. It had been hours already and the fool still had no clue why he fretted so much over a simple rodent. “Fine.” The cambion huffed, smoothing down his hair and checking his reflection. The healing waters in his room could only do so much, they would not treat a more severe or lasting injury, and he had little trust in the ridiculous concoctions of mortal mages. It had taken an embarrassing amount of strings pulled and favours called, quite a few pawns he’d held in reserve were used up to make the arrangement so swiftly. But they were the best healer in the city, and he would have no less for his most important client.

— Tav groaned. Despite all the potions and balms, having multiple chunks of wood and masonry pulled from your muscle was never going to be a pleasant experience. Every time she thought the pain might make her pass out, it kept her vividly conscious. The older elf passed her another small potion, keeping her constitution temporarily stronger to help the healing. “Quite the predicament you ended up in, Little Mouse. Taking the cheese from within the trap and getting your tail caught? I thought you were smarter than that.” His words carried condescension, but the tone and the glimpse of the wrinkles on his brow spoke of concern, only lightly tinged with disappointment. “Luckily, it seems the cat came to the rescue just in time.” She smiled, teasing a little, but genuinely grateful. Gratitude, it seemed, was not something he knew how to handle. Not the sincere kind, anyway. Tav reasoned his discomfort must be because he was expecting something. “There’s a price to pay for your help, isn’t there?” She shrugged. “No need to explain, I know how the world works, Raphael, especially with demons and deals. But if you want my eternal servitude, I’m afraid you should’ve left me to a quicker burial back there.”

“What?” He sounded genuinely taken aback, offended perhaps by the suggestion, or by the implication the moment he denied it. “If I wanted your servitude, the contract and pen would be in your hand already. No, that achieves nothing.” He pulled up a chair taking a seat beside where she lay face down, devoid of most dignity as the cleric yanked another large chunk of mahogany from her rear. “FUCK could you at least warn me a little next time?” The elf shrugged. “The pain would be no different either way. Kinder if you don’t know it’s coming, really.” They pulled another piece midway through the sentence as if to prove a point. “Are you almost finished?” Raphael hissed a little too impatiently, brown eyes flicking across Tav’s face briefly again as she winced in pain. He should be used to people suffering, he was certainly good enough at arranging it, but there was something in the way his face twitched, as if his expressions were beginning to slip. “Not much left. Only half a door in her, not a whole one, and the bones will need longer to set.” They gestured to the splint and bandages down Tav’s leg and on one of her wrists. “Only a few days, especially if you use everything you have at your disposal, but the bone still needs to knit together properly or her dreams of joining the circus will be completely gone.” “The circus?” The cambion looked at her, perplexed.

“In my defence, those potions are really strong. And so is the pain. I was barely conscious.” She shrugged. “Besides, I used to enjoy Dribbles performing when I was young. Who didn’t?” She tried to push aside the memory of the clown’s dismembered body parts they kept finding in the city. That could wait. “Little Mouse, you’re not a performer. Even if you do like to dance with danger for no reason.” He sighed, almost reaching out to her but stopping short, putting his hand instead on the edge of the table and standing up.  “The damage shouldn’t be permanent. But you will be staying here for the duration of your recovery.” “Excuse me?” She tried to raise herself up more on her arms to see his face where he stood above her, but shuddered as the pain pulled at the nerves in her shoulder. “Stop trying so hard, Little Mouse, you are quite safe. I will not have any further harm come to my favourite client.” He gently pressed her shoulder back down, hand remaining there for far longer than either of them expected. “Ah. There it is. Client. You still have use for me, that’s why you’re going so far for my sake.” She hadn’t expected anything more, but it stung nonetheless. Raphael faltered, the warmth of his fingers still refusing to leave her. “You are not just any client, Mouse. I have told you before, I have no desire to turn you into just some pitiful debtor, nor do I wish to chain you to any contract beyond what I offered before.” He continued to justify his actions, denying his motivations to himself as much as to anyone else. “You and your friends are uniquely positioned to get what I want, and I can provide you with the means to keep your lovely face tentacle free.” Lovely? She turned the word over in her mind. No, another trick to loosen her grip on her sanity and make her sign. She hadn’t decided yet...and they had time still. She was certain that if it came down to it, she could make that deal at the very last possible moment, if she had to. Although, that would give him a lot more power… Tav groaned. Why is nothing ever simple, and why do I have to be the one to decide all of this? And why is he still being so nice? It’s easier when it’s just unhinged sex, or the usual mind games, the back and forth of Cat and Mouse…

“Get some rest, Little Mouse. You will need it. Our foes will not wait forever.” The cambion’s hand caressed her hair gently, a move that surprised them both again. He withdrew, as if he had touched the very edge of a hot stove. Although, who had ever heard of a devil getting burned? —

Haarlep smiled far too sweetly as the master of the house re-entered the room. “Well?” “Well what?” Raphael snapped. “Was she pleased to see you? Were you pleased to see your precious Little Mouse?” They smirked, tail swishing mischievously behind them. “Shut up, Harlot.” He paused, glancing back at the door. “...She’s fine. Injured, but fine.” He glared back at the incubus, fire rising behind brown eyes. “And you are not to lay a single infernal finger on her without my approval.” Haarlep stood, taking languid steps towards their conflicted master. “This room, the rules are mine.” Their voice was on the edge of a snarl, the hint of threat creeping in. “But as long as she does not enter, there will be no cause for you to worry about losing your favourite little toy to me.” Raphael laughed. “Really? You think you are all she could desire? That sex alone is enough to satisfy a sharp mind and a sharper wit?” The incubus glared back, the heat from their body rising to a palpable level even within Avernus. “And you assume that you are enough that she would turn down my offer? You shouldn’t be so greedy, Raphael, someone might get the impression that you actually care.” “Don’t be absurd.” The cambion spat, ignoring even that his name had been spoken so easily. Haarlep smirked. The test proved it. He was completely distracted, but that was also an insult in itself. “I’m not the one losing his cool over a wounded rodent.”  “I’ve lost nothing but time. She’s a tool, and a broken hammer can hardly forge my crown.” He lied, fooling nobody but himself, and even that deception was on shaky ground. “But time we shall have… If anyone in this house so much as-” “Yes, yes, fire and brimstone, every dreadful torture you can think of~” They smirked again, clawed fingers gripping his chin as blazing eyes gave their challenge. “How about we work out some of that tension, Archduke, before you set something aflame.” For a moment, Raphael faltered. Their breath hot against his lips, the enticing thought of everything they could do- “No.” He pulled their hand away from his face, turning to walk away. “I have work to do. If that brat thinks he will get away with this…”

Haarlep watched him walk away, unsure whether the feeling stirring within them was frustration, jealousy, or perhaps they were simple impressed that their Rat was slowly taking everything she wanted so easily. They wondered if she even knew what she wanted, the kind of fire she was playing with… It didn’t matter. One way or another they would get what they wanted, too.

--- Tav rolled over, mumbling in her sleep again, hair clinging to the thin sheen of sweat on her forehead. Unfortunately, the movement caught the splint on her leg in the sheets, pulling it at just the wrong angle and waking her with a hiss of pain. It took a moment to get her bearings again. These soft silks were a far cry from the rough blankets of the Elfsong, or the worn bedrolls they’d used camping rough across the Sword Coast. The heat and slight reddened hue of the surroundings reminded her where she was. Avernus. The House of Hope. The pieces of reality slid back into place one by one, the puzzle making sense for the most part. Other than the image of Raphael’s human form, sat at a small desk to one side, shuffling through papers and marking them with a quill. Strange, she thought as she peered over at him, surely this isn’t his usual office? “Good morning, Little Mouse.” Raphael didn’t even look up, simply adjusting the small glasses balanced on his nose as he continued to mark and sign the parchment. “Rest well?” “I…about as well as possible, I guess.” Tav rubbed the remnants of sleep from dry eyes, feeling her parched lips on the verge of splitting. “There’s water next to you.” Again, without so much as a glance in her direction, but he seemed to know exactly what she needed. “Thanks, Raphael.” She reached over and filled the glass from the condensation-coated jug, the slight clink of ice promising a more refreshing drink than expected. She wondered for a moment how often the ice was being remade for her benefit, but chose to pay it no mind. Questioning these comforts might lead them to end, after all. “Gratitude, is it now?” Finally, he looked up over the rims of his glasses. “Not looking the gift horse in the mouth?” “Well you made it clear last time, I know where I stand- Where I lay.” She corrected herself, allowing herself a slight smile as she took another sip of cold water. “Anything interesting?” She nodded at the stack of papers. “Only boring contracts, Mouse, there is still so much to do.” He moved from one to the next, frowning and rubbing his brow. “If you really wish to be bored back to sleep, I can read them to you.” “Why don’t you take a break? I’ve slept enough for one day, I think.” Tav moved herself carefully over to the side, smoothing down the covers to make a seat. “I suppose I could indulge you for a moment, if you insist.” He laid his glasses on the stack of papers, sauntering across the room with the scent of his usual perfumes arriving a few steps ahead.

Warm, sweet, spiced… Tav quietly savoured the strange and familiar comfort that it brought, as he sat beside her, reaching towards her still bandaged arm. “It’s doing better.” She reassured him, but he gave her a pointed look instead. “I will be the judge of that, Little Mouse.” He took hold of her wrist, but removed the dressing with a surprising amount of gentle care. “Better indeed. Move it.” The command was simple, and hardly unexpected, but it was delivered with a cold bedside manner that stung. “Ah!” She winced as she flexed the joint. “Fuck…” “Don’t be absurd, you mustn’t shy away from such a small pain.” Despite his words, he wrapped his hands around the joint, applying a little soft heat from his palms and rubbing soothingly. “You think that any of your foes will let you falter? Keep it moving. The bones are set, but you mustn’t lose motion or strength.” “Well I’m not fighting right now…” She grumbled, but gradually moved it further, pushing the limits of the motion as the warmth of his hands sank deeper into the bones. She began to feel a hint of a different heat from his touch, from how close he was… She bit it back. Not the time, don’t even think of how he’s next to you in bed while you’re only wearing a nightgown.

—

Raphael held longer than was necessary, eyes lingering on the scars that were still fresh along her forearm. “Another potion. It will do no harm, and speed your recovery further. Then we will check on your leg.” His bedside manner still lacked the soft care of an experienced nurse, but by the standards of a fiend it was positively overbearing with affection. He grimaced internally. He was slipping. But no, it was all a part of the manipulation, to ensure his knight - no, his pawn - continued to play her role well. The consideration of how a pawn can become a Queen should it reach the other side of the board completely escaped his notice too. “This one.” He handed Tav the glass bottle, pulling out the stopper to save her the hassle of using her wrist. “It isn’t poisonous then?” Her voice was playful, but she barely even took a moment to sniff or examine the potion before drinking it in one go. “Well, if it is, then it’s the nicest flavour of poison I’ve had in a while.” “Do you make it a habit to drink toxic substances?” His eyebrow raised, but he relaxed more as he saw the relief wash over her face with the effects of the brew. “Only the fun ones.” She laughed now, the soft music strange to his ears, but not distasteful. Perhaps he might like to hear more- No. Focus. He chided himself. What foolish thoughts… “I wouldn’t recommend it, Little Mouse, you are not immortal.” Yet, his subconscious whispered, even as his conscious mind threatened to silence the thought for good. “Now. Your leg. The splint can likely come off now.” Business was easier, he decided, though he hadn’t entirely thought it through. “Right… Well I suppose you’ve seen everything before.” Despite her bravado, a light blush began to appear on Tav’s cheeks as she lifted back the covers and moved to sit atop them. The nightdress reached to just below her knees, though the splint on her leg went from her shin to the middle of her thigh. Raphael swallowed, his mouth feeling excessively dry. He cursed Haarlep under his breath, swearing the bitch must be up to something with the way he felt as he pushed the fabric up to reveal her still-healing wounds. “I will apply some pressure, you must tell me immediately if there is any pain. If the healer has not done proper duties, I shall have them flayed.”

—

“That’s a bit excessive.” She frowned a little, but didn’t really judge him. Expecting a fiend to be kind was more than foolish, his very nature would not allow it. And yet… Tav winced, the bandage holding the splints in place unwinding slowly. She felt the warmth of his fingers every time they touched her skin, trying in vain not to think about how low he was, how close to her body, how they were already on a bed… “Fuck-” She bit her lip, the pressure on the side of her knee still too much. “Then you will still be unable to bear weight…” Raphael idly rubbed his chin in thought. “A balm, perhaps? Something more direct. Wait here.” Tav watched as he stood and left the room, a swiftness in his step as he went. Is he always in such a hurry? Her pondering was disrupted by a fresh shot of agony as she tried to bend her leg. Right, right…probably better that he’s quicker. I won’t complain. And yet…the space next to her felt like a cold void, now the cambion’s weight was not pressing a divot into the mattress. Only a lingering hint of his scent remained, and the slight heat upon the sheets. A sigh escaped her, there was a quiet need lingering in the back of her mind, compounded by the sudden longing from being left alone. She wondered if she might ever understand him. His intentions, his motivations… Every time she thought she knew what he was doing, what he wanted, everything changed again. Haarlep clearly wasn’t helping either. She wondered if they might be around, if perhaps they would be willing to keep her company when Raphael became inevitably busy once more. If anyone knew what was going through the devil’s mind, it would be them. Her hand rested on the remnants of the warmth where he had been sat, eyes not leaving the door until it opened again. —

Raphael’s feet carried him swiftly down hallways until he reached the cupboards he needed. It was pointless to waste energy on teleporting himself, but still he felt the need to hurry. If the incubus had tainted the potion… He would return to resolve that little problem before it could go further. He blinked away the image of her blushing body dressed in dark satin laying on the bed, and checked the labels of each jar carefully. The waters of the bathing pool could help, but if her leg could not take her weight… Carrying her was not an option, she deserved her dignit- He deserved his dignity to not have to act like a servant to her whims. His brow creased with frustration. Thoughts like unwelcome guests finding themselves swiftly evicted, yet returning through a back door before he could turn the key in the lock. This is all the harlot again, he reasoned, they have poisoned her and continue to toy with me without permission. He grumbled, turning quickly on his heel to go back to the room where she was waiting, laying on the bed- I’m going to make them regret this. — Meanwhile, in the boudoir, a completely serene Haarlep was reclined on the bed simply reading a book. They turned the page, wondering what adventures the struggling heroes might find in the next paragraphs. They had absolutely no intention of interfering with whatever nonsense Raphael was engaging in, nor of playing with their favourite toy until she was healed. They knew better than that, they could be patient. Besides, they considered their complete lack of engagement to be a fitting punishment for the scorn of being turned down by their “Master”.  Ridiculous thought, that he would brush aside the advances of an incubus, refuse the touch that could have him whining in pleasure for hours on end. No matter. They turned the next page, stubbornly ignoring the tell-tale footsteps in the corridor passing by their door without so much as a “hello”. They’ll both be back, in time. They hummed a little tune to themselves, pointedly rejecting any further thoughts of the room down the hallway.

---

The heavy door swung open swiftly on creaking hinges, closing just as quickly behind Raphael as he moved towards the bed. She was laying where he left her, cheeks flush, lips slightly parted, hair still in disarray from sleep. Even the gown remained pushed up to her upper thigh, revealing her legs, the remnants of technicolour bruising beneath her pale skin. 

Tav was an invitation like this, one he was loathe to accept for now…but clearly she could not be left unsated. Incubus saliva could be unbearable without a resolution to that painful arousal. It might even slow her recovery, which he would not allow. The cambion approached the bedside, already removing the lid from the salve’s jar. He sat lower down beside her, body turned to face her. “Your permission, Mouse, I would like to hear it.” “O-oh.” She stuttered for a moment, the tips of her pointed ears beginning to match the redness in her cheeks. “Of course. Do what you need to do, I trust you.” His brow furrowed at those last three words. Of course that’s what he wanted, her trust, he was not in a habit of lying least of all to his favourite client. But hearing it? That was different. “Should you wish me to stop, you need only say the word. You understand?” —

It was Tav’s turn to frown now. What was there to understand? It was a simple healing balm, nothing she hadn’t used before. She could easily apply it herself, but she was also loathe to argue with Raphael when he looked this serious. What she was not hearing, however, was the undercurrent to his words. She didn’t see the way his eyes travelled her body, gauging her reaction as he began to massage the balm over her wounds. Not a drop of incubus saliva had passed her lips, by potion or otherwise, so she was blissfully oblivious to the cambion’s present concerns. Though, decidedly, the feel of his hands moving further up her leg had a very similar effect.  

Feeling the soothing effects of the salve sinking in to her wounds brought a soft sigh from within her, the deeper massage of tender fingers colouring the sound with the hint of a moan. Seeing his eyes flash with a momentary flame was certainly not helping. It would be hard to deny her own desire either, the thoughts that had passed through her mind in the few minutes he had been gone… Of course, some of those were remarkably close to the sight of brown hair descending towards her thighs- —

Raphael could feel her melting beneath his hands, and his clothing felt tighter by the moment. He imagined the ghost of Haarlep’s fingers, gripping, teasing… He cursed their name under his breath, completely unaware that this was all entirely in his own mind. As was the concern that the potion had been tainted, though it was quite obvious that Tav was feeling as aroused as him. Her skin tinted pink, warming more as he allowed his hands to wander, lowered his head towards her shin, lifted her leg and kissed below her knee. “Does it hurt here?” She had gasped, but the noise was not one of discomfort, as she quickly confirmed. “N- no, it’s fine.” Next he lifted her leg slowly, kissing around and under the joint now, right where her thigh began. “Here?” Her head laid back on the pillows. “No pain…” 

“Good, Little Mouse. Then let me continue, if I may?” “Please-”  Her voice was little more than a gasp, the heat rising from her body in a way that he could feel as he moved further up. It was becoming more difficult to hold back. The cambion could almost taste her on the air already, the heady scent of arousal mingling with her usual perfume and the thicker scent of the salve that still lingered on his hands. He laid her leg back down on the sheets, moving now on to his hands and knees after a quick gesture transported his boots over to the side of the room. But he could not afford to be greedy, rough… He must protect his asset. A means to an end. A very attractive means, dark hair splayed across the pillows, breasts straining the fabric just slightly as her breath quickened, deepened, chest rising and falling with increasing anticipation… —

Tav felt the silk slip easily across her skin, shivering slightly though not from any chill. Raphael was…not how she remembered. The times they’d been together before now were hot, feverish, filled with a sense of desperate urgency that made pulse soar and her head light. This…was almost a different man. Though at the same time, not at all. The same chestnut hair neatly swept back, the same scents of cherry, black pepper, palmarosa…a strong and spiced mix that didn’t lack sweetness. The same intense look in his eyes, as if a fire burned silently behind his pupils even in this human form. The cambion was being careful. That was obvious. And a part of her wished he wouldn’t, that instead of sliding her nightdress up slowly, heated fingers brushing lightly against her skin, that he would rip it from her, or burn it up with a wave of magic from his hands. Most of all, she simply, silently, desperately pleaded for him not to stop. He did not. Wordlessly he curled a finger around her underwear, the smallest flame burning away the seam so the garment could be removed without needing to pass sore joints and bruised muscles. Soft eyes looked up at her again, a question in a single raised brow, one she answered with a simple motion to pull her nightdress further up her body to reveal her waist fully. Raphael smiled, looking pleased with her response, before dipping his head lower to kiss along her stomach, lips pressing on her soft body with delicate affection. Tav bit down on her lip as those same hands began to tease her. This was a different game to him, she realised, as he merely stroked his fingertips with the lightest pressure. It might have felt ticklish, but it built the heat and tension within her, muscles tightening in anticipation. —

Raphael could feel her arousal easily. His fingers already slick and hot, her body shivering beneath his lips as he continued to kiss softly along her waist. Maybe he might’ve preferred her quivering with fear beneath him, perhaps a shot of liquor in her naval, savouring the mixture of terror and arousal he could raise within her… But she was not scared. Neither was she courageous. She was simply accepting of his touch, inviting more with the sweet little moans from her lips, telling him without words that she wanted more, needed more, by pressing her body towards him every time he tried to move away. “So greedy, Little Mouse, and I thought you were supposed to be recovering your strength?” He raised his eyebrow, peering up once more at her face and trying to work out exactly what it was he was seeing. Prey? A pawn? …a lover? Ha! Ridiculous. But she plays the part well… So if it is theatre she wants, then the show must go on. “I have enough strength-” she replied, or at least tried to when her voice was cut short with a gasp. Raphael smiled, it had only taken a single finger to steal her words from that pretty little throat. The second brought a prettier sound, barely a syllable drawn out in a prolonged moan. “You were saying?” His smile widened. Had it always been so easy to bring out the desire in her? Or was this just the potion, and Haarlep’s influence… His ego bristled. It wasn’t Haarlep here now, curling fingers inside her, feeling her muscles tighten and quiver every time his lips pressed to her body. This was no incubus sweetening the noise lingering in the air with slow thrusts in and out, the mere mimicry of what he could offer later… “Please-” She gasped above him, the sound of desperation only adding to his own arousal. “Please, more…” Turning the offer down was unthinkable. It might’ve been better had she begged for something else, but his own lust was thrumming through the pulse in his eardrums, and he had his pride of course. What kind of devil couldn’t even satisfy one mere mortal? Naturally, it would always be harder to satisfy Haarlep, the bitch was practically made for sex and pleasure, but Tav…her body was easier to manipulate, seeing her melt into his hands was simple. Besides, wasn’t her first encounter with Haarlep in the hopes it was him all along?... —

Tav hadn’t expected to be doted on, far less to have the devil himself kissing soft lines along the ridge of  her hip towards where his fingers were already working her into a frenzy. She bit her lip, trying in vain to steady her breath, but already losing herself to the sensations before his tongue flickered across her nerves. “Fuck-” She hissed out a single word as her head pressed back into the pillows, gripping the sheets as he increased the intensity of his motions. His tongue moved in the shape of infernal runes, drawing out a false contract of her pleasure, pulling every sane thought from her head and replacing it with a white hot rush that coursed through her veins. As she tipped over the edge of pleasure’s precipice, her moan was tainted by a cry of pain as her shaking body twisted her still-healing joints. The cambion’s free hand moved to hold her still as he continued to draw out the stimulation, dragging out the afterglow relentlessly, though ensuring the warmth on his palm was soothing the pain. By the time she was able to breathe more evenly, she realised he had simply sat back, caressing her leg once more, adding a little more balm over the worst parts. He was even still fully dressed, making her feel all the more exposed. “Aren’t you too warm?” She asked, already realising how ridiculous the question was as it floated out into the air between them. She cursed her orgasm-fogged mind for the betrayal.   “Have you truly forgotten where you are, Mouse? Who you are addressing?” He shifted a little, kneeling upright above her. “I only look like a human when I wish to, you are well aware of my true nature.” The brief scent of burning sulphur flashed in the air with the infernal fire that swirled around him for a split second, revealing a larger body, red skin, a crown of horns rising above his head almost as high as the wings that splayed out behind him. He remained, as he was before, fully dressed in his silks. His tail twitched in irritation, tapping on the sheets. —

“Whatever shall we do with you? You seem to have lost your mind entirely.” Raphael smiled sweetly, a complete façade as he took up his role as the saviour to relieve his poor little prey of the problem that Haarlep had created. “Would you feel more comfortable if I were less dressed, Little Mouse?” Her eyes widened just slightly, stoking his ego. “Maybe you’d feel more comfortable? Those look…tight…” Her eyes drifted down, his clothes tightened further as it wasn’t just his ego expanding. His wings stretched up further, the pride swelling in his chest. “What kind of host would I be to deny my guest a proper view?” The magic worked in a matter of moments, layers of finery dissolving like smoke, reappearing neatly folded on a chair near his boots. The cambion felt every part the saviour he intended to be, even as he loomed over her like a predator about to swoop down upon his prey. His fiendish form was larger, taller, and more intimidating… He often chose to remain in human shape around mortals, lulling them in to a false sense of security before revealing his more devilish nature for dramatic effect. There was nothing he loved more than feeling the swell of fear within a mortal heart when he grew above them, surrounded by hellfire. But there was no such trepidation from his Little Mouse… He could almost see why Haarlep called her Rat, now, the way her eyes took in all of his form, her body carefully moving to make more space for him. Bold. Too bold, perhaps. It was an invitation. The part of the gentleman saviour was one of pageantry, of etiquette, so the dance must continue now that he was dressed the part. Although… A wave of his hand and her nightdress was upon the same chair as his own clothes. An observer who wasn’t clouded by lust or shielded from the view by large red wings might recognise the subconscious choice to put their clothes together to be entirely too intimate for a devil and his client, but the two upon the bed had no such awareness now. —

Raphael’s body cast a looming shadow over Tav, the light filtering through the thinner skin over his wings in a way that made the almost look as if they were glowing. His eyes were aflame, the full blaze within them clear and glowing as they swept across her body. She shivered involuntarily as he lowered towards her, hands finding purchase either side of her shoulders. “What do you long for, Little Mouse? Tell me.” His lips were close to her ear now, his voice sending shivers down her spine, stomach tying itself in swift knots from the feel of his body so close to hers yet not touching. “I didn’t think you to be so slow in taking what you wanted, Raphael.” A little more of her boldness was returning, the itch to rile him up, to push him into acting how she wanted…but he wasn’t taking the bait. “Now, now, what kind of hero would I be to break you before you’ve even healed? No, that would not do at all. Do not think me a brute purely because of the actions of an unruly incubus, they will be punished for their indiscretion in due course.” Somewhere in another room, a red tail twitched with irritation it didn’t understand the cause of, while clawed hands turned the page of their book. Tav didn’t understand either, why he was bringing up Haarlep when they were alone. “I remember,” she whispered into his ear, “the first time you visited me. In what I thought was just a dream… You danced like a prince.” “And you, Mouse, spoke with no such grace or respect for one you would crown with such a title.” The choice of words was very deliberate, alluding to a contract yet to be agreed upon. “You’re right…Prince doesn’t quite suit you.” She reached up to caress his horns, her other hand running along the top edge of his wing, watching the lines in his face soften unexpectedly at the care. “You already have a crown, a cloak, and a great deal of power. It’s…impressive.” She brought down the hand that had been running over the ridges of his horns, instead tracing along his jaw to bring his lips to hers. “Flattery, Little Mouse, might get you somewhere, but I still want my real crown.” His voice was quieter, softer, lips a hair’s breadth away almost tickling her as he spoke. “Later…we can discuss that later.” She slid her hand behind his neck and pulled him in to a deep and passionate kiss. She didn’t want to think about contracts, or crowns, or tadpoles in her head. All she wanted was to feel , and there was no better way to lose yourself in sensation than to pull a fiend into your bed. —

Tav had once again thrown the proud demon off his balance, making moves on the board with rules he had never considered. The game was not his to outmanoeuvre her if she continued to nudge the table. He should really lay down the rules properly, enforce them, remind her who had the upper hand…but the taste of her lips…the feel of her tongue trying to devour her own essence that lingered on his own… Now he was in his fiendish form her body seemed even smaller, softer. She didn’t lack strength of course, even now as one of his hands traversed the length of her arm from the shoulder down to her delicate wrist, the lines of well honed muscles lay just beneath pale skin. His wings spread above her even as he avoided the deeper bruising, guiding her hands above her head. It was like a shield, a protective canopy, she was beneath him and only him. He would fill her vision, fill her mind, fill her- “I will not hold you here,” he pressed a light kiss to her wrist before guiding it back above her head, laying her hands together, “it’s too soon, and healers are expensive for complex injuries. So you will have to obey me instead. You say I have power? Then prove it, show how much power I have over you, and keep your hands right there.” He looked down, expecting to see her eyes defiance glaring back at him, but instead they were half closed, lips parted, breathing just two words. “Yes, Raphael.” Simple. It’s what he demanded of her, it’s what he wanted to hear, but hearing it? That hit a different chord. His tail shivered behind him, the feeling foreign but arousing. Did he want her to fight? Would he prefer it? Or was this deep trust unnerving again?... She knows she is mine, he reasoned, it’s about time, too. Leaving her arms unbound above her head, he moved his hand back down her body - his other arm still supporting his body easily, holding himself above her where she could see him but not yet feel him. He guided her thigh up a little, shifting lower as the greed within him rose. The need to have her, to feel her, to take her… —

Raphael’s teasing had built the lust in her body to a fever pitch. Tav could feel her body burning with longing, desperate for him to finally make his move. And yet, he remained slow, gentle. Caring , in such a way as a devil could be if he so wished. She realised he was different on his own, without Haarlep baiting him, pushing him. She bit her lip as he began to enter her, slowly, taking his time. Her breath left her in a slow exhale, feeling the stretch and heat building with every deliciously agonising second, the ridges adding friction to the equation, the sum total being a deeply satisfying feeling of being completely filled. Tav wanted to speak, to spur him on to move, to reach down and pull his body closer…but that command echoed in her ears. His blazing eyes, the way his horns and wings loomed above her - there was a power there. It hadn’t all been mindless ego-stroking. She groaned with the sensation as he pulled back slowly, ridges catching on muscles that strained to pull him in, her voice only raising louder as he thrust back into her. The pace he kept, it was maddening…the intensity of every motion, the way he moved his hips and watched her every reaction. If he didn’t care for her pleasure, it would be simple to thrust in and out at his own pace until he was done, but he was more than just attentive. Every single movement was lighting her on fire from the inside. The sound of the cambion’s own deep and seductive voice escaping as he felt her tightening, pulsing- It was getting harder and harder to keep her arms where he put them. She wanted to touch him, to feel his body above her instead of just watching… She imagined an invisible force holding her, focused more on the gathering rush building deeper inside as he began to let his avarice take over. —

Raphael felt every wave of her pleasure, and had long since forgotten to realise that Haarlep had not done a single thing to influence him. Everything he felt was entirely from within this room, from within her . Another time he might have preferred more, to go further, to tease her and draw it out, to mix in some pain and power-  She had enough pain, and watching her face flush pink and wanting, hearing her gasps and moans from undiluted pleasure… It was a wine he was willing to sip today. She was allowing him power, giving herself over to him completely, and everything he drew from her was his alone. He tried to hold back a little, but the feeling of her around him was intoxicating. The scent of her skin, the way she bit her lip, the tightening as he hit just the right places- His voice caught between a moan and a growl as the rush overtook him. The cambion pulsed inside her, continuing to thrust as her own climax had her crying out into the otherwise quiet room. Perhaps the incubus even heard them now, and the thought of the Harlot being jealous sweetened the waves of aftershock as he rode them out with her, relishing the ragged gasps as her mind and body were filled only with what he gave her. Tav was shaking as he finally withdrew. Her hair even more of a mess beneath her head, and her hands still exactly where he told her to keep them. “Good, Little Mouse, good~” his voice rumbled through his chest with a pleased purr, “you may move now, when you are ready.” She relaxed her arms a little, her uninjured hand moving a single stray lock of hair that had fallen in front of his eyes and tucking it gently behind his horns. “Why are you really taking such care of me?” “I told you before,” he sighed, wondering how she still did not understand. “You are my favourite client, my path to what I need…” He paused. That wasn’t all. “And in my own way, I enjoy our time together.” —

Tav blinked. She wasn’t sure she’d heard him correctly, and the blindly logical part of her brain quickly rationalised the honesty away. Ah, enjoyed, as in pleasure. The sex is good. That makes sense. Her body still felt a weak and limp as he moved from above her, wrapping the silk sheets around her naked body and lifting her up in his arms, holding her close against his chest as if she were a bride about to be carried across the threshold. “Raphael?” She peered up into his fiery eyes, confused again. “We must get you clean, Mouse, and I will not have sullied eyes gaze upon you. Until you are able to walk on your own, I will indulge you…but I expect you to try after you have bathed in the healing pool.” He was trying to sound stern, but it came across as a better bedside manner than the expensive healer he had hired. —

Haarlep looked up over the top of their novel, raising an eyebrow at the master of the house carrying his charge into the room wrapped in sullied sheets, whilst the devil himself remained completely naked. “Finally, you’ve decided to come and play-” they began, but were quickly cut off. “No, you’ve done quite enough for one day Harlot. She needs to recover, and I shall accept no more interference from you. I suggest you sit quietly and contemplate the punishment you have earned.” His voice was stern, dripping with venom, but quiet. Tav was already half asleep, exhausted already. Haarlep took the hint and kept their reply barely above a whisper. “What I’ve done? I haven’t done a single thing, Archduke , in fact I had considered the very fact that I’ve kept entirely to myself as my punishment to you for denying me.” They gave him an even more pointed look, sitting back and going back to their book. “But it hardly seems like you even need me, you have your prize, now leave me to my story. They’re just getting to the good bit.” Raphael paused. He stood dumbfounded, completely at a loss for words. If there had been no tainted potion, no influence on his own body- It would take days for the effects of those realisations to truly sink in, longer than it took Tav to fully recover. He didn’t even notice the longing when she waved goodbye and stepped through the portal back to the material realm… Avernus felt colder than it should, the halls of the House of Hope suddenly larger and emptier than they had been before.

----------- ----------- ENDING NOTES ----------- ----------- This one will fit very nicely into the ATG storyline I just need to work out where, either that or it'll hint towards a potential alternate ending path instead. Either way I very much enjoy toying with a softer side to Raphael, exploring his reluctance and denial in greater depth, along with the ways that both Haarlep and Tav can push him out of his comfort zone.

[loveroftoomanyfandoms]

I was trying to wait until later but my willpower is weak, so as promised, here's that teaser from Matt's PoV in the next chapter of Cooking Up Love!

"So," you concluded, "did I describe myself well enough for you to picture me? Because I, um, I wouldn't mind if you wanted to feel my face too. You know, for accuracy."

Matt's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it's fine."

Matt nodded. "Okay then. Um, I'll have to get really close to you so I can reach you."

He heard you get up and move your chair over. "Like this?"

Matt brushed his hand along your shoulder, judging the distance. "Yeah, that's good."

He swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous. "Ready?"

"Mmhmm."

Matt reached out once again, his hand bumping into your nose. "Shit, sorry, I --"

"Oh, no, no, it's okay," you replied. "I'm fine."

Matt shook his head. "Do you mind if I…" 

He waved vaguely up at his glasses. "If I can at least see your silhouette I can better judge exactly how far you are from me."

"Oh, no, go ahead."

Matt took his glasses off and set them onto the table. 

"Um, by the way," you said somewhat shyly, "you, um, you have very pretty eyes."

Matt couldn't help but smile. "Thanks. I bet yours are very pretty too." Just like the rest of you.

He reached out once again. "May I?"

You made a sound of affirmation. "Yeah, go ahead."

Matt tentatively traced his fingertips across your hairline, raising his other hand as well once he was sure he wasn't going to accidentally knock you in the face again.

He began to build a mental picture of you as he traced along your forehead, down your temples and across your eyes, down the bridge of your nose and across your cheeks down to your chin.

I was right, he thought as he brushed his thumb across your lips. "You're beautiful."

You sucked in a quiet gasp of breath.

Matt's eyes flicked down towards your mouth. It would be so easy to kiss you, to taste the champagne on your lips.

Matt leaned in to close the gap, your name a whisper in the air.

[keezree]

Something I'm learning is that traditional self care/self improvement advice is for neurotypical people.

Getting advice like "Just exert your willpower! Do it even if you don't want to!" Is harmful when even just getting up/ going to the washroom is difficult.

It makes me feel useless or that I'm not trying hard enough even when I'm pushing myself to my god damned limit.

Having ADHD/ and autism requires different self care/advice.

Time management stuff like pomodoro seems interesting but is so, so stressful to think about. And making lists/schedules to follow daily feels like pressure to do it perfectly, or not at all.

Making and managing my own skills/aids is challenging but it's teaching me how to manage myself and understand myself in a way i couldn't before-

Because i shamed myself for not being able to keep up with neurotypical behavior, i forced myself harder and just did more damage and pushed myself further into burnout.

Even ADHD advice doesn't always work and then autistic advice doesn't always work, so it really is trial and error and needing routine in some areas but also freedom and flexibility in other areas.

At this point it's just listening to what my brain and body needs/vibes with and catering to those needs/making accommodations for myself.

It's like an adhd autism build a bear routine

[tuliptiger]

A vent post

I am exhausted in this week of weeks. Im exhausted of being alive and living in this world. Bone deep, and tired. 27 years old and I'm so, so weary.

I don't understand how people can live freely and unburdened, or in the very least they've figured out how to move forward and dream and build their lives. I don't feel like I can dream, I'm tired of my privilege and that's a privilege in of itself. I'm poor, I'm alone ie I support myself and I'm there for myself, I'm in a transition life period right now and it's nightmarish.

I still enjoy thing from time to time, I still have my pets at my moms when I visit I only dream of one day having back at my house that isn't built but has been in construction for a year and a half now. I try to eat healthy but still enjoy the foods I like, I'm heavier than I've ever been. Unemployment still isn't figured out but looks hopeful, hopeful enough to believe it resolved this or next week.

I think I'll be fine in the long run but I can't enjoy what I have knowing others have less because in all of these personal life issues and challenges and joys there is still a war we're complicit in. There are still horrific famines and struggles and I cannot take on the world's burdens but. As an American I'm tied to it and there is only so much I can do.

I don't want to give up my life. Some don't have a choice I feel bad about that but I can't give up my life, for the last couple years of my life I've finally relearned how to like living and regained the want to live again. Guilt does nobody any good especially in this instance, I know I know I know it's a white American privilege to even get to feel this way but I don't know what to do about it within my power.

I can't not feel bad about it but I don't know how to make it not crippling. I cannot enjoy my life knowing these atrocities are happening I don't know how. Is it ok to enjoy my life? Why do I need someone to tell me that. I grew up poor, I lived poor, I am poor but I'm building a house with all of my willpower and money I possess I don't think I have a bad job $42,000 a year (if I get to work the full year) I don't think is bad I can live this way I am living this way and I don't desire more other than to cover the house costs.

I feel privileged to have a car, to get a loan and go into debt and to be able to, as hard fought and disaster ridden this house buying/building process has been I FEEL the privilege but it feels like a lead anchor and not a joy. There is no joy in any of this the only thing I truly feel grateful for is my car.

How can I be building a house when thousands and hundreds of thousands have lost theirs over and over again how can I complain about loans and debt and prices. I deserve a house too but I don't feel like it right now even if it isn't helpful. We all deserve housing, I am not excluded but I just. I don't, I can't feel any different man.

This will never be over in my lifetime, the Palestinian struggle will end eventually it must. They will be free they will be safe I have to believe but American horrors and involvement in all of the worst parts of the world will never end in my life. People will give their lives to try and slow it and mitigate it but I don't see America changing without a full blown internal war. And I can't cope with the loss of life, the loss of these modern day current heroes protesting and dying and losing parts of their lives for what?

Americas puppet, americas arms, americas power and money and profit. For what for what for what for what for what I can't understand it at all. I don't have the power, the money or the people to help. I just reblog posts, share info, keep my support unwavering and beliefs firm but I'm not doing anything of importance. I'm not showing up, I'm not donating I'm not doing anything of value whatsoever I'm just chattering. I'm scared when I don't have a right to be.

People with american flags and guns, firm beliefs of sexism, racism, who regularly say they wouldn't mind killing minorities and women and anyone not in their approved people list. People who the people in power would throw away and kill readily for the hell of it willing to kill others for nothing. I am scared to face them I am not going to lie. It's terrifying knowing people that are dangerous, stupid and blind are on the other side waiting for an excuse.

I don't control any fate or events in the future. I can't see this getting any better, I've felt it in my bones since COVID but we're on the track of it getting worse, and worse before it gets better. And man rock bottom feels like a long, long way away from here. Sorry for the tone of this entire thing but, I've not been feeling good lately. And I don't know what to do about it.

[cosmic-kinglet]

I may add more to this later, but I'm tired and not sure where to go with this little chunk of plot. So, enjoy another one of my canon-adjacent semi-cured Ruin scenes!

    

"Stupid star thing...what the hell does he mean, 'dimensions are the key?" Eclipse was still trying to wrap his head around the hint he had been given. It certainly was a hint, but it still didn't make things much clearer. Though, a certain amalgamation from another dimension was still his top suspect; nothing else made anywhere near as much sense. With a frustrated grunt, he entered the surveillance room at the back of the arcade. He was immediately stopped in his tracks when he saw Ruin standing in that same room, facing away from Eclipse. Or maybe he was Ruin Eclipse right now. Eclipse was now struck with the question of if this was what Moon had to deal with, looking at Sun and being unsure if it really was Sun. Oh well. He supposed there were two possible reactions, and that would tell him who was standing before him. He took a few more steps into the room.

     The figure in front of him glanced back, and Ruin's eyes flashed brighter for a moment. He then made a full spin to face Eclipse properly.

     "Ah, Eclipse! My, how things work out! What a twist of fate that we would be brought to the same place."

     Well, Eclipse had his answer. Here stood Ruin, as infected and jovial as ever.

     "Ruin. I see you've made your way out again."

     "Oh, yes," Ruin replied with a small hop. "I haven't been here long. In fact, I myself have been elsewhere for a short while." He extended an arm out toward Eclipse, his hand up in a 'stop' motion, "Don't ask where! I won't tell you."

     Eclipse simply stared at Ruin. He wasn't sure he would ever understand how someone so intelligent could be so mad. He finally pushed Ruin's hand to the side.

     "Fine. Although, wasn't Moon keeping an eye on you? How did you manage to do anything?"

     Ruin waved a hand dismissively, "Oh, that! Honestly, that tracking chip was a complete joke! It didn't even have a camera function, and I removed it within less than an hour! In fact," Ruin stepped over to a panel of buttons and motioned toward it, "I even had time to create some pre-recorded voice samples of myself to use in case anyone came to check on me. You would not believe how easy it was to fool Solar with this!" Ruin laughed, thinking back on his little ruse.

     Eclipse scoffed. "So, Moon doesn't trust you, and yet he didn't give you a chip that will kill you if you even attempt to remove it?" He crossed his arms, "Must be nice to be able to do whatever you want. Meanwhile, I'm on such a short leash, I can feel it suffocating me. And I still," Eclipse threw up his arms, "have no idea who made me!" He then reached to grip Ruin's shoulders, but stopped, unsure if that would cause his chip to explode. Instead, he just tried to stand as tall as he possibly could. "If you built me, you'd better say so now."

     Ruin laughed. "My dear Eclipse, what would it matter if I did or I didn't? You're here to share in my game! We both want the same thing, so why worry about that?"

     Eclipse seethed. It took every bit of his willpower to not grab Ruin by the throat. Instead, he chuckled and spoke through gritted teeth.

     "You are so lucky that I can't do anything."

     Ruin turned and stepped a few paces away from Eclipse. "I'll tell you this much, regardless of whether I brought you back or not, you've made things quite easy for me. Obviously, there's no acting involved when the other one is out," Ruin waved a hand while a sound of mock disgust before continuing his thought, "all I have to do to build trust with them is offer to help them deal with you." He then pivoted sharply to face Eclipse again, his eyes beaming. "You make the perfect cover, my friend!"

     Eclipse let out a huff. "And you claim to want to work with me." He really couldn't believe that, in the process of being cryptic, Ruin just admitted that Eclipse was little more than an alibi to help him gain the Celestial family's trust.

     Ruin chuckled, the malice clear in its tone. "As you said, you can't touch me." He brought himself closer to Eclipse, and then even closer than before. Despite being shorter, his presence seemed to tower over Eclipse in this moment. "I can poke and prod at you as much as I want, and you can't do a single thing about it." Ruin then backed off again. "And yet, we do want the same thing. Seeing as you can't bring any harm to any of them, you need to work with someone with similar wants and, dare I say," he pressed a finger to Eclipse's head, "more brains. Really, you don't have much choice but to work with me!" Ruin swiftly wrapped an arm around Eclipse's shoulders and pulled him closer. "Let this partnership begin!"

     As he was being tightly gripped, one thought came into Eclipse's mind, 'It's happening again.' Despite not having every single memory from his previous life, he did remember clearly that there was a time before now when he was forced to work under someone. Ruin could call this arrangement a partnership all he wanted, but Eclipse knew what this was really going to be. He knew he was going to have to rely on Ruin, and there was absolutely nothing he could do without risking another death and rebirth. He couldn't do this again.

[thebramblewood]

Thank you to @venriliz for tagging me! I'll tag @thecrumblingisle, @sweetbeagaming, @cactusblossom, @simatomica, @10000dreams, @solarlemonade, @lotuso3o, @cinnamonferns but feel free to ignore! I know it's a long one.

1. What’s your favorite sims death? Oh my god, I forgot the running with scissors death in TS2 existed until @venriliz mentioned it, but that made me remember I once killed off an unwanted legacy heir using that method. :/ Don't ask me why I couldn't just move him out and leave him to his own devices. Anyway, I think death by cowplant is pretty classic.

My LEAST favorite Sims death is freezing because I had a really traumatic experience in the second generation of my legacy where my Sim Phoebe made the bright decision to host a birthday party for one of her housemates at the Bluffs in Windenburg in the dead of winter and everyone decided to start swimming and like three people froze to death, including the birthday girl. It remains a horrifically vivid memory to this day, lmao.

Putting the rest under a cut!

2. Alpha CC or Maxis Match? Maxis Match for the most part. I find that anything alpha just ends up looking too out of place unless it's closer to the Maxis side of the spectrum.

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight? If it fits their lifestyle, I'll have them work out/eat healthier, but I try not to interfere otherwise.

4. Do you use move objects? Absolutely, it's permanently activated!

5. Favorite mod? MCCC is obviously essential, as well as anything that makes CAS better looking and more efficient. I also wouldn't play without Sunblind these days! I can't get enough of those gorgeous sunrises and sunsets.

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got? I think I got City Living and Seasons at the same time. I was kind of a late adapter to TS4 but fell very quickly down the rabbit hole.

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing? I want to think I pronounce it like LIVing because I know that's technically correct, but I think half the time I still pronounce it like aLIVE in my head.

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? Oh, this is so hard... If we're going solely on Sims who originated in CAS, there aren't really many options! Most of my Sims have been born in-game. I am really proud of Helena, and I think everyone can tell how attached I've become to her. Hmm, I need to make more Sims, I guess.

9. Have you made a simself? Noooooooooo. The Sims for me is very much an escape from myself, so I don't think I ever will.

10. What sim traits did you give yourself? I would probably give myself music lover, perfectionist, and socially awkward.

11. What is your favorite EA hair color? The lightest blond, I think? The one that looks almost platinum and isn't quite as yellowy as some of the others.

12. Favorite EA hair? That short choppy hair from Cottage Living (the one the Creature Keeper has). For a while, I was absolutely eating up every single variation I could find.

13. Favorite life stage? If I'm being honest, young adult. I find that my gameplay is most varied and interesting when my Sims are in that stage because they're traveling, meeting a lot of people, trying new things, etc. Once my Sims settle down and start a family, it's easy for me to forget places and people outside their home lot exist and everything becomes more routine.

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? Me, a builder? That's a funny joke. I'm definitely more in it for gameplay and storytelling. I'll do everything I can to avoid building a lot myself. I don't mind redoing interiors, but it takes me forever, so I try to limit how often I do that, too.

15. Are you a CC creator? No. I've done a couple very basic recolors/edits for myself. We're talking kindergarten level stuff. I don't really have the willpower for learning anything more complex right now.

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad? Sim squad is such a weird term to me. I do still feel like a bit of an outsider in the Simblr community at times, but I also have a handful of mutuals who I've enjoyed connecting with, and it always makes me happy to see them in my notes and on my dash!

17. What’s your favorite game? The only games I've ever been heavily into are The Sims and those Nancy Drew computer games... I think you can guess which one is my favorite. But if we narrow down the franchise, The Sims 2 has a very special place in my heart.

18. Do you have any Sims merch? No.

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims? No, and as someone who can't stand hearing or seeing recordings of myself, it would be a nightmare.

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing? I've honestly wondered about this myself! I don't think it's really changed so much as become more refined. I don't make a ton of Sims, so I don't think I have an obvious aesthetic style. But my play style has definitely changed in that it's more storytelling-geared, which does mean I spend less time actually using gameplay mechanisms and more time setting up. My visual style (e.g. composition, editing, etc.) has definitely evolved a lot even over the past few months.

21. What’s your Origin ID? Going to pass on this one! My sister and I share an account, and I don't upload anything on the gallery anyway.

22. Who’s your favorite CC creator? Oh, so many! I will download basically anything that sforzcc or softerhaze upload. My absolute favorite hair creators are simstrouble and okruee. And I've been using a ton of stuff from awingedllama and leaf-motif when decorating lately. But those are just a few that come to mind.

23. How long have you had a simblr? I only just started my Simblr back in January or February. But I've been on Tumblr itself way too long to admit out loud.

24. How do you edit your pictures? I try to let Reshade do the heavy lifting, but I also like using a few of these actions in Photoshop to make them pop a bit more.

25. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far? City Living because San Myshuno is one of the only worlds that really feels "alive" to me and I think it does festivals best, and Cottage Living because it's the complete opposite but the slowed down, quiet, countryside aesthetic is so serene and relaxing.

26. What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next? I don't trust EA to do it right, but all I want is bands and another super dense and populated urban world and more apartments! I would also never like to see another world inspired by an American suburb again.

[thisdreamplace]

hi! i was wondering if you've got any advice when you're paralyzed by fear? meaning i'm so afraid of even trying to see if the law works, so ended up putting it off. yet i keep reading about it, seeing other people's success stories doesn't help and logically i know i won't understand if i don't see it for myself. but then i'm just too afraid of what will happen if it is fake - i feel like i built it up so much to the point idk how to live if it doesn't work. like i just don't want to live if it won't work, but! i won't try bc self-preseravtion i guess. other part of me thinks it's saving my life by not doing it. but i'm so tired, i can't willpower thru it and i just at this point just want to try it out but it just won't let me. and i tried confronting it to see what my life would be like if it won'r work and i feel like i won't have any prospects and it turns depressing and i just don't have any motivation to live. sorry for weighing on you like this, but i'm beyond desperate.

okay, wow. thanks for sharing, a lot of that is definitely heavy to carry.

my best advice to you would be to let it go ? i mean. im thinking of myself, when i was in those dark places, and when i saw the law as my saving grace. it put so much pressure and weight on myself and my life. it’s no surprise that instead of doing something, you just do nothing because it’s all too much.

so stop putting all that power in something outside of you. i think the law is so cute and it promises you this wonderful perfect life and then you have all the people and their success stories that keep you fired up. i get it, but its time to leave it behind. your actual well-being is on the line here, as you expressed you’re clearly in a dark place. i’ve seen so many people use the law as their anchor, as their reason for still being alive and it’s honestly unnerving. i get it because i’ve hit new rock bottoms quite a few times while making the law my savior too.

as much as we hate to hear it, the truth of the matter is not even the law will save you. because while you’re calling the law your one true shot at life, you’re totally misunderstanding that you are your shot at life.

life gets so much better when we stop trying to make it be something else and we let it be what it is. through this we can enjoy it more, we can say okay. what’s in front of me that i can work with ? what’s in front of me now that i can enjoy/do/experience ? i won’t wait on a false god anymore — i go out there and experience life for me.

of course, along with that, allowing yourself to live and be a human being, comes a change in mindset you must work on along side yourself. allowing neutrality, allowing beauty and lovely meanings where you decide. dedicating yourself to allowing yourself to be the true you and not the you who’s identity was born of fear and survival — but the true loving and free form you that exists beneath it all. it all works together, but its one moment at a time.

and i would suggest you begin at actually letting it go. get offline, sit with yourself and stop asking what “should” life be like but instead ask yourself “what can i do now ?” it might be small. but it’s important because you’re doing it for you and not for some special outside force you’ve put all your faith in. it’s time to build the faith in yourself. because you quite literally have the ability to live your life. it’s time to remind yourself of that again.

i feel like this may not have been the advice you wanted :D maybe you were hoping i’d say don’t give up now ! keep going ! but no. give up now. and by give up i mean let go of what clearly isn’t working and find a direction that fits more true to your soul. if you thought that following the law the same way everyone insists you follow the law is the only way to your dream life, you are fully mistaken. the best path is the one that works for you, not the one that’s hyped up online lol

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity! Thank you for helping me with my type. I have read a bit more on ENFJ and INFJ in your wordpress, I have something I want to consult you about if that's okay.

It's not as if ENFJ doesn't feel right for me, but there is something I feel not Ni enough. I have read in your blog here and you mentioned that Ni users often visualize something completely before even taking any action. That Ni users usually plan out the entire story before writing with little revisions if any at all. I don't relate to that.

That is how an INJ writes, not how an ENJ always writes, because their Ni is somewhat under-developed in most instances. It is less complete, less structured, and less inflexible as a second function. My ENFJ friend writes things from time to time and she says things just "come" to her and she will finish the story and see how her Ni pieced together symbolism and stuff without her even being aware of it happening. She just knows it will all come together, and it does.

I'm not a dedicated writer but I do want to write sometimes. I have this seed of story inside my head. I have a theme and direction of where things will be going, but as I learn more about something else - politics, history, languages - they influence that story.

This doesn't rule out Ni secondary.

I ended up never made it past third chapters. I don't know if I'm distracted or simply doesn't possess enough interest to finish it.

Maybe you're not a novelist. Maybe you are a short story writer.

Let say I really want to write something. I will have a story from the beginning all the way to the end. Everything converges into underlying theme. I need to have a fully fleshed out world-building in place first. Because I need to be able to envision my fantasy world vividly before I can write.

This would be consistent with strong NiSe interplay. Needing to "see" it and its scope first.

I feel like this sounds more like Ne approach? Although my INFP friend seems to be more free with her writing than mine.

Us Ne's just sit down and write and let the plot go wherever it wants, because any plan gets thrown aside for whatever whims come to us in the moment. Most of my character and plot generating happens in the process of writing something, not before or after (I'll be on chapter two and an idea comes to me that will be important in chapter six, so I leave myself a note). It's all part of how Ne is unstructured and open to anything, even if it means that when we get up the next day, our main character is no longer a marine biologist but is a skydiver and wow, that would make the plot cool, can I keep anything I wrote yesterday? ... nah. (This is more Ne-dom than INP, but you get the picture. Even SJs are flexible.)

For work and life it's the same thing. I do not really have a clear sense of purpose. I mentioned in the last ask that I dream of better world and to build it for my people. I do not have the clear idea of what that 'world' is or how do I make it happen. I can see company and how that can create a job. Then I could use the revenues I gain from it to create a welfare system for my people - housing, education, immigration support. Then we can extend our reach to include political and environmental movement.  I can see it quite clearly, but I don't know if I will have enough willpower to see it through. It feels almost as if I can see the end of the tunnel but I'm stumbling in the dark, trying to walk without tripping. I cannot relate to that Ni superpower "I instinctively know what I will need to do". For me, it feels more like 'I need to see this happen, but which path I need to take?'

That sounds spot-on with aux-Ni to me. I asked my ENFJ friend what she plans to do with her psychology degree, if she's going to open a practice, and she said, "I don't know... I just know that this is what I need to be doing, and when a door opens, I'll go through it and know it's the right one." She has no clear future mapped out, she just knows the steps she needs to be taking and that it will come into view at the right time.

For a job, it's the same thing. I am currently working as a sales rep for a small company. I feel listless working here. I mean, the company is great. A lot of opportunities for growth, nice team and a great boss. I know it in my gut that this doesn't bring me closer to my goal. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like my entire being is pulling me away from this job. I feel like I'm walking on the wrong path.

ENFJ. Unconscious "this is wrong, I need to be elsewhere" thinking.

My ESTJ sister told me I'm being unreasonable (she called me Wanda Maximoff of Earth 2022 of all things!) She said there is nothing like a 'right path'. She said what I am being stubborn in my goal and I should consider something more accessible. I was like 'that's not an option. It must be this thing I envisioned!' I never understand how my sister and friends 'explore' what they want in life. I know what I want and what I want to explore isn't what I want, but how to get what I dream.

Your sister isn't ENFJ, and you are. She explores and learns through doing and you need structure and an idea (Ni).

I really can't imagine living without working toward it in some capacity. There was once when I was Fe-Se looping, maybe? I felt like there is only here and now and I lost my vision. It is the worst. Imagine having to live day by day without any purpose. I feel like I can't do anything except accept that I won't see my goal happen. I can't envision anything. All I can see is a misery. No future, no nothing. I was near suicidal at that time because I can't see a way forward at all. It also doesn't help that my ESTJ sister doesn't care enough to help me through it.

Aww. I'm glad you got out of your loop.

I don't know if this is Ni related or not. I want to date and have larger friend group but I can't see us being together for the next 10 years so I don't feel all that excited ... There was this guy who recently hitting on me. He looks great and has good job. But I can't foresee us being together in the long run, so I keep him at arm's length. I don't want to invest in a relationship that won't last. Is there anything here that disproves ENFJ? I just feel like I'm not Ni enough...

Nope. It's all consistent with ENFJ.

Another thing I wonder, would door slamming be common for Fe-dom? I have low tolerance toward stubborn people. I was having a political argument with my ESTJ sister and I never have enough energy and desire to change her thinking. It feels like a lost cause ... I have heard that Fe-doms are good at influencing people and get people in line. But I'm very impatient and I feel bad for it. I feel like I should be more assertive and quick witted so I can influence my sister toward the right thing. I also feel like I'm a bit cruel to people. If I hate someone, I have no trouble shutting them off or even bullying them. 

EFJs are very assertive in trusting their feelings, and patience is a virtue rather than automatic. ;)

[thatndginger]

y'all I'm gonna cry (in a good way)

This weekend was kind of exactly what I needed mental-health wise. I got to hang out with a dear friend, engage in our favorite form of modern blood sport (UFC), and I got to see my mom and siblings for the first time in 5 months. And I got a call about that possible job I've been hoping for!

BUT THAT'S JUST THE BASICS!

So this was the first time that Person has visited my hometown. While we were driving down, we saw a coyote pair cross the road ahead of us. One crossed first, and stood guard while the other joined them, and then they ran off into a field. It was, to be quite honest, magical. I fucking love coyotes. They are my thing. I have 3 coyote skulls - all ones that I have stumbled upon naturally out in the world. The first, WIlson, I found in the abandonded house my grandma raised my father in. The second, Wallis, I found at the edge of the property my father was planning to build his new house in. The third, Jigsaw, I found last year while visiting my mom for the first time that year. Their skulls guard my entryway. I feel connected to these animals in a way I can't describe. So to see a live pair of coyotes making a journey as the same time as me and my partner? It felt Significant. I'm still thinking about it.

And then. AND THEN! I woke up this morning and decided that today was going to be a good day. I was going to make it a good day. I was gonna put in every ounce of witchy magic I had into making today a good day, and the rest of the week just a little easier if I could. I was planning to write all my intent down on a piece of paper, blow some willpower into it, and burn it - y'know just usual witch shit - but it turns out I didn't need to. Because the universe listened anyway. I'd just made one of my safe meals (because depression is still a bitch) and settled in when I got a call from the manager I'd been talking to about getting that job. She tells me the application is up and the specific directions to find it. The way she talks about it makes it kinda sound like the application is a formality she has to do, but she wants me specifically for the job.

I'm still trying not to get my hopes up too much, but fuck I want this to work out.

I try to keep myself pretty grounded in reality, and not let the 'magical thinking' take over. But I *am* a witch, and sometimes the mystical seems a lot more plausible than the mundane. So... shoutout to the universe for taking pity on lil old me in these troubling times. I'll try to pay it forward

[spynorth]

Pspspspsps? Hey, you. Dumblr's biggest bully ever, who's actually just a rare honest force here that snowflakes can't handle so you run around with the big bad stamp on ur head. Anyway. I just pop in to remind me of my appreciation for you, your writing and your absolute willpower to beat the shit life pours onto you. I've learnt myself throughout life that humor is your strongest suit in dealing with shit. It helps you survive. So please, never ever lose your brilliant sense of humor, okay? I adore you. Really do ♥

@langdhon ava! i'm late to this, I really am (as you know), but I've been hoarding it because it made me grin like an idiot whenever I would scroll past it in my inbox. i laughed out loud at biggest bully ever because you've been around long enough to know its true. In all seriousness, I'm so glad we ran into one another again (weirdly enough, after we had both branched into something other than fantasy, ha!) and I was so happy to see that you still crafted such amazing stories. You've blown me away from day one all those years ago and that hasn't changed. I love what you've created with andy ofc (both on alice and now morpheus too!) but your portrayal sticks out beyond that as well. Idk if i'm wording it correctly but the nuances of michael that i love seeing displayed in his relationship with alice are still present in other dynamics (just in different ways) and I love that. he's never one dimensional, he's never just the cardboard cutout of the michael given on the show .. you've developed him and made him your own little gremlin.. which is the goal of rp, i feel like. It's easy to parrot canon and nothing but canon but its another thing entirely to build upon its layers and end up with something flavored by your own creation and touch and you've pulled that off time and time again. I knew you too well to be surprised by that haha. I'm glad I make you laugh ! I love writing but I love making people laugh even more so tumblr rp kind of gives me that avenue to try both. I'm so glad you're around on my dash again and I'm so grateful I know you