#but if people cant realize that that is not how every system works

[tiny-huts]

I'm just.... Kind of tired of like a ton of fantasy worlds having like the gods are bad, every church is corrupt, faith means you're dumb and gullible plots. Like regardless of a ton of authors and such refusing to engage with how polytheism differs meaningfully from like... The fucking Catholic church.. it's just such a dismal way to think about things. Like I like fantasy for the hope and the sense of wonder and such..

[celaenaeiln]

You know what’s interesting?

Dick didn’t set out to murder Zucco with the intent of being a killer. He viewed it as an unfortunate byproduct of his actions.

His real goal was to “purge the world of criminals” because “darkness needs light.”

Do you realize how unhinged that sounds? It means Robin wasn’t created from anger. It was created from the messed up psyche of a child who realized at 8 years old that the entire world needs something better than what it was given and so he went out and became it.

I cant properly explain how insane that is. It’s like putting the logic of the Joker inside the mind of child but turning it for good. Everything is falling into place now. That is why the Joker hates Dick-he is the one Robin the man couldn’t break. Literally COULDN’T because when he’s facing Dick, he’s facing the version of himself that would have existed if he had put himself to good. That was would break HIM.

Imagine spending the better part of your life doing your utmost worst to show Batman that people and the system are inherently evil only to have him fall head over cowl for a version of yourself to completely invalidate your reason for existing. How psychotic would you turn when you realize you have nothing to prove?

This also explains why Dick is so well adjusted and sociable in a way that Bruce and the others aren’t.

Bruce loses it when he loses his children, he thinks it’s a failure of his abilities and doubts his life’s work.

Jason loses it when he thinks he’s been replaced because his reason for being is having someone care for him.

Tim loses it when he comes to a dead-end. He feels helpless and lost when he doesn’t know the next move because his reason for being is being able to solve what’s wrong.

Damian loses it when he feels abandoned. He feels hurt and broken because he’s a child who wants to be loved.

The reason Dick was the perfect choice for Dark Crisis and to become the dawn of DCU is because his sole reason for being is to be the light.

That is why Bruce refused to destroy a planet when Superman asked him too. That is why Dick was the only person in the universe who could control the Darkness infecting him when even Deathstroke lost his mind to it. That is why the evil Justice League chose Dick of every one to kill-to make a point.

This is why he’s looked up to by major heroes such as Superman, Wonderwoman, the Titans, the children, the villains, and the civilians.

This is why Harvey Dent called Robin Dick “Batman’s secret weapon.”

Although anger was the baseline emotion, Dick doesn’t have anger issues because:

Robin wasn’t created for revenge. It was created with the intention of building a world so unrealistically good, that the level of the vision Richard Grayson was aiming for and set the standards for- is so terrifyingly inconceivable.

And that-is why he is a happy, feral, monster.

[serejae]

I DONT FEEL LONELY WHEN I SEE HER | SEOK.MATTHEW

WHAT ! - matthew bf thoughts for my menda😇

WHEN ! - (warnings) fluff, kissing, petnames

WHO ! - i get you. ill be completely new to a group but THATTTTT one is my man. ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU ENJOY MENDA BOOKIE SNOOKS😇

! - dating matthew is like a breath of fresh air, he isnt too distanct nor suffocating

! - i think thats mainly based on the fact that he took time to study and know you before he asked you out. by the time it was your 1 month he already (been) knew the temperature you like certain drinks, how much milk is too much in your cereal, and if we wanna be normal, when you need space

! - i feel like the trope that most resonates with matthew to me, is bestfriends brother. him and his sister have such a cute bond that i feel like he’ll recognize some of his sisters friend, but when it was you it was different. he couldnt pull himself away, his sister quickly caught on and realized what he was up to (before helping you both out)

! - matthews favorite parts of his day is definitely the morning and nights time. how he’ll wake up with you in his arms taking some time to admire you before carefully sneaking off and getting ready for the gym. he’ll wait for the clock to go off at a certain time that he memorized to start making your breakfast and drink, cause by the time you get ready and freshen up it’ll be the perfect temperature

! - speaking of gym, i see some people describe matthew as friendly, in which yes he is BUT HE DOESNT HAVE EYES ON ANYOJE BUT YOU. in his mind you guys already have a white fenced house with a dog and 3 kids running around. but i digress, he’ll call you and work out while talking to you because there’s nothing that gets him more pumped than you. if any other person tries to talk or hit on him he’ll act like he cant hear them through his headphones as he speaks to you

! - he loves the night time, because after a long day or you both being tired and stressed at least he knows he can come home to you and relax with you in his arms again. he loves how his day begins with you and ends with you

! - if hes away he’ll definitely buy a stuff animal that reminds him of you before the trip and take photos of it doing the most basic things “look were on a breakfast date:)” captioned to a photo of a breakfast platter with the stuff animal sitting infront of it sitting straight up (he adjusted it making sure ur postures always right)

! - his family loves you, they hear all abour you 24/7. his family knows that when matthew cherishes something he means it. mattthew has a big heart that he doesnt take for granted , he’ll try to bring you over to canada as much as he can to bring you to his family, talk about his childhood town, as well as trying his favorite childhood snacks

! - you dont have many arguments with matthew but when you do, he does get rather defensive wanting to defend himself but after a couple arguments with you he learned that being defensive wouldnt get him anywhere, so he tries to keep his composure. on those days he does slip up, he reflects why and what made you two get here. afterwards he’ll try to start a convo so you both can go back to normal and the way he missed

! - sometimes to matthew he gets tired of the basic ways of showing affection. he loves physical touch yes, but he knows you know he basically latches onto anyone he loves. so he decided to make a new system for you, and just for you. he loves you more than the words i love you, i love you isnt enough to describe his love for you so he tweaks it a little. he’ll say phrases that make your heart flutter

“i wanna be with you in every life time”

“you make me believe in love”

“you make me feel safe”

“you look like the in bloom instrumental”

! - matthew would love to indulge in your interest, could be as adventurous as rock climbing to as calming as bird watching. he never complains. if you like it , he does too

! - he loves to try new things with you. he wants his first to always be with you, if the members invite him to go to a new amusement park he’ll drag you along or go later with you because he knows he’ll constantly be in a state of mind of “yn wouldve liked that”, “i wish yn couldve seen that”

! - please. before there was rizz king matthew, the amount of tries he took on you. you were his first victim at all his flirting attempts. more of them making him look silly than 🫦🫦 but youd never tell him that. for all he knows he is your rizz king❤️

! - everything always relates back to you somehow. if someone asked him what happiness meant to him the conversation will lead back to you. if someone asked him if he knew the technique of how to make the best slime, its still gonna lead back to you

! - yeah sure you’ll have to fight jiwoong and gunwook every so often for your own boyfriend but hes worth the fight right? or at least thats what he constantly tells you 🤨

! - when matthew loves you you know he does, not because he tells you all the time but its the little things he does that remind you “im right here if you need anything”

[softbutchthatlovesyou]

This post is for white people. You can like and are encouraged to reblog, but keep your mouth shut.

Don't even argue with a white person who spoke. Leave that to me. Just mind your own and pass my words if you read em and get the point

Now

It's whatever if you don't listen to Every genre of music relating to black people

It's whatever if rap isn't regularly on your stuff

You won't be hunted for fucking sport over not knowing the top ten ska artist of all time, or for having less rock in your life

The issues is that too many of you have a desperate need to explain that you don't like it and frankly just keep it to yourself. Just don't comment on whatever post hurt your white fragility and realize you don't have to be who the post is talking about if you just... even start with not explaining to use why your the Not Racist. We've all heard that one before, we need your money to be where your mouth is.

Lots of you have issues with generalizing ("Rap is too fast!" "Hip-Hop is about nothing but drugs and street crime")

You don't need to tell me your sensory issues are why you aren't racist. No One Said That. You can just Not Listen to songs that hurt your ears. We're asking for you to explore and try and find stuff that might be within your limits. There's tons of genres made by black people. Put our version in there.

Also there's no way to excuse saying that no version of black peoples various genres cant be used for music stimming. Thats bullshit talk. Methinks you've been slacking you your black history and probably don't realize that (unless you Choose to isten to only white artist which... thats IS racist) an artist you listen to is very possibly a person of color, with a good chance of one being black.

We also don't need the announcement that you don't pay attention to who you listen to. That's 1: Admitting you don't fucking care to actively seek out pur music as we beg not to be drowned out in a world thay pushes white voices to idle ears.

2: Just keep doing it wothout fanfare then at least. If you're going to be lazy about music don't be proud to tell me how you wont make space to showe you care about black voices.

Also don't try and argue about how you know all of this genre is actually bad! You're Wrong.

1. Even the "bad" ones can have all kinda of statements of all kinda of things.

Ex: ou wanna fight misogyny? do you actually understand whet causes it? do you listen when they sing that before they were a pimp they were a little kid who got hurt by a system? do you use that to remember to treat black boys like the kids they are so they don't rush to be the adult men they aren't? They are told they are Men and Men have to get women or else they're Failed Men. They chase their manhood because White Men are eager to tale ir at a moments notice and the slightest offense. Is it okay? No. But it's stoppable. And it starts at listening to how it happens, and being kind and correctional in the right places.

2. Even if we as black people condemned and hated and were in outrage at the "bad verions" that wouldn't invalidate every other version made. That's not how music fucking works for pop or for your old timey classical so why do some of you apply it to our genres so quickly 🤨🤨🤨

And for the love of god.

Don't ask for recs on post venting frustrations about white peoples treatement of our music. Leaving ones if you know good ones is fine usually, but honestly just make your own post and then go out and start searching some key words. Look up what genres have black history. Type their genres in and see what you get artist wise.

Lots of them have mixes into other genres that will fit what kind of vibe you like while still supporting the voices that keep thse alive and authentic.

Or send them ask because that's what to features for. Ask if they're okay with it and respect if they say no, but many of us would be overjoyed to share and actually have some really listening ears out there.

[t3ag3rs]

g e n s o - 0 7.

gahdayum its mi papi down there ↓

"hello everyone, ive been waiting for you!"

you let out a gasp as you see the space hero, thirteen. "thirteens one of my favorite heroes!" squeals uraraka, "i cant wait to show you whats inside! follow me!" she leads the class into the dome-like building. you stare in awe at the inside of the building, holy shit... theres basically every environment in here..! 

"i created this training facility for you to deal with different types of disasters." she pauses, "i call it the 'unforeseen simulation joint' but you can call it USJ!" she exclaims proudly. you stare at her quietly, huh thats just like 'universal studios japan'... you smile inwardly.

"excuse me, but shouldnt all might be here..?" asks aizawa, "apparently he did too much hero work on the way to school this morning and used up all his power... hes resting in the teachers lounge." she explains quietly to aizawa, but your overhear it. 

"that man is the definition of irresponsibility..." sighs out aizawa. he turns to face the class, "clocks ticking, we should get started.." thirteen steps up and begins to talk again.

"listen up... before we get started im sure your all aware that i have a powerful quirk, its called 'black hole.' i can use it to suck up anything and turn it into dust. my quirk could also very easily be used to kill- like some of you all. in our superhuman society all quirks are certified and strictly regulated so we all often overlook how unsafe they can actually be. please dont forget that if you loose focus or make the wrong move, your powers can be deadly."

"thanks to the fitness tests and the combat training you all did, you should know your limits and potential. carry what you learn and use them now, today youll be learning how to use your quirks to save peoples lives- after all... that is the main purpose of heroes. thats all i have to say, thank you for listening." she bows her head silently.

the class erupts in cheers, and you smile proudly, tightening your fists, man she really knows how to fire us up..! 

"alright now that thats over.. lets get started." starts aizawa before the lights cut out.

you look up and narrow your eyes, suddenly a portal forms near the fountain. "stay together, thirteen protect the students!" yells aizawa. you widen your eyes when you realize that an actual villain attack was happening.

"whats happening?!" exclaims kirishima, "its a villian attack...!" you reply loudly as villains walk out and you ready yourself.

"if they got in without alarming the systems they must be jamming communications, kaminari use your quirk and try to contact the school" instructs aizawa.

he jumps down and thirteen starts moving you all away, you run to the exit but the same purple portal covers the exit. "its a pleasure to meet you all, we are the league of villains." the voice pauses, "now where is all might..? i believe he was supposed to be here to take his last breath."

you gasp, "theres no way theyre planning on killing him..." u whisper quietly. you analyze his quirk as he talks, his quirk was what teleported the villains here... and he can move around quickly, but i dont see a physical body that belongs to him.. he must have some sort of mutation or transformation type of quirk.. warping maybe?

suddenly bakugou and kirishima jump at the villain to attack, "wait, stop...!" you yell trying to hold them back. bakugou sends an explosion at the villain, "did you think we were just gonna stand around and let you tear this place to shreds?" kirishima grins as he stands in a defensive position.

you quickly run up behind them "move outta the way!" you try to pull them to aside, but the purple portal circles the entire group. 

"you students should be more careful, ill scatter you all across the facility and let you face my colleagues and your deaths!" you feel someone pull you closer to them as you cover your face protectively. 

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you put your hands out to stop your fall as your drop down into the 'collapse zone' followed by kirishima and bakugou. standing up you dust yourself off and get into a fighting position, "we got company you two.." you inform staring at the villains crowding you three.

"looks like we hit the jackpot..! get rid of the two boys first... the girl should be easy to get rid of!" chuckles a villain. 

you narrow your eyes, and stomp your foot down creating a boulder around the villain holding him in place. Then you hit him with a right hook to the head leaving him unconscious. "i wouldnt be so sure of that..." you smirk. "now whose next?" you ask opening your water pouch. 

the villains start to run at you three and you all fight them off. Suddenly, bakugou sends an explosion and the whole building shakes. you yell over the noise, "bakugou we're in the collapse zone, so be mindful of the explosions..!" you propell yourself forward and freeze your water around another villain.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you stand up exhaustedly, body aching slightly "everyone alright...?" you turn to look at kirishima and bakugou. 

"we should go find the rest of the class, if we arent out yet then the others probably arent either. we caused this mess so we need to make it up..!" exclaims kirishima looking at bakugou.

"if you wanna go track the rest of them idiots you can, but im going for that warping bastard." grits bakugou as you sigh rolling your eyes.

"bakugou you do realize that he doesnt have a physical body right..? even after the explosion you threw at him, he was still fine. if your gonna go throw more of them you can practically guarantee it wont do shit." you state as you stare at him. 

"shut up! as if you know what to d-" you shove him away and throw a flame of fire at the invisible villain beside him letting it fall. 

you turn and face bakugou smirking, "yeah what was that about me not knowing what to do..?" he scoffs rolling his eyes, and you turn back to the villain, "i almost feel bad for them, their so bad they got beat by a bunch of high schoolers.." 

"man y/n your so badass..!" praises kirishima, you chuckle blushing slighly and rub your neck. "thanks man..." 

"bakugou since when have you been so calm and rational, usually your always like 'die! die! die!'" questions kirishima. 

you let out a chuckle, "im always calm and rational!" screams bakugou. you slap his head, "geez shut up..! youre just proving his point!" he glares at you with his palms smoking.

"calm down you two..!" exclaims kirishima getting in between you two. "find the rest of the idiots if you want, but im going to the warping bastard." states bakugou as he walks away.

"then we're coming with you!" cheers kirishima running up to bakugou, dragging you with him.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

you three run quickly to go help all might. theres no way he'll last long..! hes already at his limit... if we dont do something now, he may actually be defeated..!

you see deku running to help all might, but the warping villian appears in front of him. "izuku..!" you yell. 

suddenly bakugou goes in front and send an explosion to the back of the villain, you propell yourself up to reach him quickly. he slams the villain down by the metal part near his neck to the ground, "guess i found your body this time you smokey bastard!" he yells.

you and kirishima rush towards the other villain with the hands surrounding his face. you throw a gush of frozen water at him, but he moves away before both of you could land an attack at him. you pull your water back to yourself and glare at the villain infront as you stand by the other students.

all might may die one day.... but today wont be that day...!

previous parts: pt. 0 0 / pt. 0 1 / pt. 02 / pt. 03 / pt. 04 / pt. 05 / pt. 06 next parts: pt. 08 / pt. 09 / pt. 10 / pt. 11 / pt. 12 / pt. 13 / pt. 14 / pt. 15

[sexiestpodcastcharacter]

AI Bracket — Third Place

Propaganda

SAYER (SAYER):

PLEASE it is like. THE ai podcast. and SAYER is THE ai in THE ai podcast. SAYER works as like. a broadcast inside everyone's head on this one asteroid. It does its best to keep people alive and sane not because it cares but because it is efficient. They people who own SAYER wanted to replace SAYER with a newer ai that they tried to raise like a child. So SAYER proceeded to fuck up said child ai's development and led to it becoming a murderer. pleasepleaseplease watch SAYER if you are a podcast ai fan.

I once saw a post that said it's like if an old gay English professor was evil

SAYER (it/its pronouns) is a highly advanced self-aware ai developed by Ærolith Dynamics. it manages the day-to-day lives of Ærolith employees on Typhon, an asteroid turned research facility. it is rude and condescending, but has a very pleasant and soothing voice

Sayer sweep Sayer sweep Sayer sweep please please please

Guys think about it this way: SAYER got emotions and it's first feeling was rage towards someone for not helping it. It's annoyance was how it realized it had emotions, isn't that so cool. You should totally vote SAYER (I'm not an ærolith propaganda agent trust)

#like idk the other character but its not Best podcast character its Sexiest podcast character. #and sayer is giving you come now gif tumblr sexymxn (gender neutral). #its giving stanley parable. its asmr-ing you down the tight hallway #you cant move your head so you will have to rely on me. very good.#its a mean voice that reads your every body response directs every aspect of ur life and orders you around what more do you people WAN- #Omg. that was aerolith dynamics on the phone. they said it gains the ability to puppet human bodies rattatouille style in later seasons 😳😳 #THE POINT IS ITS LIKE CARTOONISHLY AND EMBARASSINGLY SEXY. IT SHOULD WIN. (Mod Note: This poll is Who is the better AI? not "Who is sexier?".)

#please vote sayer because nothing good happens when sayer thinks another ai is surpassing it .

#i LOVE hera but i feel i have to vote sayer because like. it’s MY evil bastard ai #mx ‘remember: Needs Improvement’ itself #what an asshole (<3)

#agfjdlj i Know that wolf is a far more popular podcast (even though I've never listened to it) #but this feeling like an injustice to Sayer #its so weird and off-putting and it exercises this fact gleefully #its got the world's most toxic situationship with resident hale #the condescension is genuinely part of its charm #also 'pleasent and soothing' are not the words I'd use to describe its voice #(the words I'd use are Insanely Fucking Sexy) #also it/its rep. even if it is an insane AI i love it so much (Mod Note: This was written when SAYER was against Hera, not Eris.)

Eris (Wolf 359):

Basically a game show host but crueller. She puts you through psychological torment as a bonding exercise with your crew, and at the end you have to shoot her with a real actual gun. She is projected directly into your mind by interfacing with your nervous system and she will do something messed up. Her most recent iteration got blasted into space. Personally, I think she's lovely

A VR entity designed to do chaos psychological horror torture tests on Goddard employees. She's not malicious; that's simply her job. It's how she was made. (Maybe she can grow.)

She was in just one episode but so fucking interesting, evil/malicious AI. also a lesbian. Was shot the secound she became a bit too self aware

Art of SAYER by @j4y5t4g.

[ceasarslegion]

I know i have a lot of teenagers who follow me because i dont baby talk to them regarding things like drugs and alcohol and sex. So i wanted to throw out some advice that still saves my ass every day as an adult that i learned to instill in myself as a teenager:

-Learn how to keep house. I know that every adult is beating job skills into you right now and its overwhelming to say to least, but no matter what you end up doing with your life, you will need to know how to cook and clean and budget and go grocery shopping and do laundry and the dishes and x y z. You will need to know how to work with cleaning products like bleach safely and without creating mustard gas by accident. If you figure that out now, you will be able to take care of yourself for the rest of your life. Those are skills that you WILL need every day in the real world no matter what.

-i want to asterix the budgeting part. I know way too many grown adults who could be doing very well for themselves who are broke as shit and actively getting worse because they cant budget to save their lives. Managing your finances is what will often be the difference between living relatively comfortably and struggling to get by.

-dont get roommates if you can help it. I know you will want to, and it will seem like a fun idea to live with your friends and like nothing would go wrong, but roommates ruin friendships. If you can afford to live on your own when you first head out, do it. Trust me, paying the full rent is worth not having to deal with other peoples bullshit taking up your living space. I learned this the hard way, dont be like me. The only people you should be actively looking to live with at the young adult stage of your life are any permanent partner(s) that might come along the way, and you should rush that either. And taking some proper time to be on your own will do you so much good in the long run in realizing what kind of person you are and what you need in things like work, relationships, life in general, etc.

-you don't need a brand new car, and your first apartment doesnt need to be high end and fancy. All your firsts for those things need to be are functional, safe, and reliable. And you will love them regardless if theyre your first car/apartment. And you dont really NEED a car if youre an urbanite with a reliable enough transit system, either. Thats more of an individual thing if thats your situation. I live in an older apartment building with a stove from a brand that doesnt even exist anymore, but its real spacious for one person, in a nice part of downtown where everythings still right outside my door, and all my utilities are included. I pay 500 dollars less in rent a month for this than my coworker who lives 2 blocks away from me and has half the space i do with none of the utilities included because its all smart tech and luxury suites in that building. You don't need all that, you will not notice the difference when you actually live there.

-no one cares about high school tier drama when you hit your college years, especially if you go to an academically-based school. In my experience at least, the schools the nerds end up at think the d&d club is the coolest one on campus. This will pass, you will be fine. The nerds really do inherit the earth after you graduate, and all those bullies really do peak in high school. The guy who was the worst offender towards me in high school now literally pumps gas for his dads gas station because nobody else would hire him. Which is fine, its honest work, but it IS a tad ironic how things worked out there after so many years of telling me he'd be my boss one day. Yeah sure, howd that work out bud

-please dont get into drugs and alcohol just to be cool. I know every adult has treated you like some porcelain doll to be handled with baby gloves regarding any sort of substance, but if you choose to partake in them, all i ask is that you be informed about the risks, you do it safely, and dont do it for social clout. Its not the substances im most concerned about there, its that when you do them for social approval, you dont know when to stop or how to listen to your body telling you thats enough, which is a straight shot to a potential addiction. Its your choice whether or not to consume drugs and/or alcohol, but its irresponsible to act like theres no real risk involved in them, especially if you have the kind of personality more susceptible to addiction. Do them for yourself, in safe environments, as cleanly as you can get them if possible, and only after you educate yourself about what the risks are and what resources there are in your area for healthcare and counseling if you do develop an addiction.

-be selfish, but dont be a dick. Your young adulthood is when you should be selfish in the sense of prioritizing your own mental health, work ascension/schooling, etc, but you can do all those things without being standoffish or disregarding other people in the process. You should be there for your loved ones if you can, but if you cant, give them the common courtesy of telling them. A simple "hey, id love to help you if i could, but i have too much going on right now to spare anything. But im always here to talk about it if you need it, ily and im wishing you all the best <3" is way better than "i cant help you right now, i have my own problems to deal with."

[luvistqrzzz]

･˳ . ⋆ these days i am taken back to the summer we loved

loving you losing you- jay one shot

pairing- jay x f.reader

summary- loving jay was like a dream, a dream so happy you knew he wasn't yours...

or where jay tried to break away from the system of soulmates but fate had other plans for him... and you.

genre- strangers to not lovers (uh oh), soulmate!au, college!au, first love, fluff, angst

word count- 7.7K (can yall hear me scream outta joy??)

warnings- profanity, mentions of drinking, my writing (lawl), sad ending (sorry not sorry)

taglist- @en-chantedtomeetyou

A/N- happy belated jay day <33!! Omfg my first ever oneshot?? I still cant believe i just had the motivation to finish this wip😭😭... its my first time ever writing a long fic so it maybe a bit all over the place but i really enjoyed writing this hehehe! So i hope yall enjoy this :((! try listening to this playlist for more feels it really helped me in the writing process! the beach scene is slightly inspired from 2521

note- this is purely a work of fiction and in no means depicts the idols' real personalities or the relationships between them.

･˳ . ⋆   subtle loneliness

Jay was never the one to believe in fate or destiny or even the fact that there was something like an 'other half. Despite having parents who loved each other and having their soulmate link, Jay never bought it. In a world where every individual was connected to another through some link, be it matching tattoos or the ability to feel someone's pain, he hadn't found his.

For him, it was bullshit. Who even was fate to decide whom he loved? ('Well, no one but, honey, you can't meddle with how it's meant to be', he still remembers his mother's words.)

Maybe as a kid, Jay used to sit long hours in his bedroom, willing to feel his soulmate's link, search for any tattoo and even write on his palm with hopes they'd reply.

Nothing ever happened and as he started growing older, he saw people around him meet their soulmate, he saw the way their eyes lighted up in their mention or the way they used to talk about their other halves.

He grew distant... different. It wasn't easy to be always the odd one out.

Even as Jay tried to go against it and casually date people in his high school, he realized how true his parents were. It never felt right, the feelings were never there and even if they were, they died too soon. In the end, he was left alone.

Which brought us to the present time of Jay's 3rd year in college. He sat on a creaky cafeteria chair observing his friends. Heeseung was busy on his phone messaging his soulmate, Yunjin,. Jake and Lily sat across him, laughing at something Sunghoon just said, their matching flower tattoo glowing dimly.

Looking at them, he felt this sort of loneliness fill in him, the type which made him want to runaway from his life. He had loving and supportive parents and friends who wouldn't leave him but deep down, Jay felt empty. Empty because despite his opposition against the system of soulmates, he knew he yearned for one. He yearned for someone who'd understand him, someone with whom he could share the love he saw in his parents.

'Yo bro, you going to the party today?' Heeseung's voice cut through Jay's thoughts.

'What-? Oh at Yeonjun's place right?'

'Yep', Sunghoon replied getting up. 'Time to get highh- ouch!' He exclaimed as Sunoo smacked his head from behind.

'Shut up, pretty boy. I ain't taking you home', the latter said, walking past the table where they sat.

'Oh c'mon Sun!' Sunghoon whined, following his boyfriend out of the college canteen.

Jay chuckled at their antics. It was almost... cute, he couldn't lie.

Keep reading

･˳ . ⋆   deep conversations with a drunk stranger

You weren't supposed to be at the party. Hell, you should have been studying for a test scheduled next week but being friends with Somi did have its disadvantages. Such as being dragged to some college party as the designated driver.

It wasn't like you hated parties. Quite honestly, you thought they were sort of fun and sometimes getting drunk seemed like the perfect option. But on that particular Friday night, you wanted to be anywhere but at your senior Yeonjun's house.

'Y/N it'll be fun i promise!' Somi begged you, dragging you out from her car to his door. 'No. You are just there to hook up with some guy.'

'Whatever. I am loyal to my soulmate!' She stuck out her tongue whilst pointing towards the black ink on her forearm.

'And who knows', Somi said, entering the house which was presently filled with half-drunk college students. 'Maybeee you could meet your soulmate today.'

You sighed, pushing past people, at the same time waving and smiling to some. 'Sure. My link-less soulmate', you replied sarcastically.

You realized she was leading you to the kitchen which was comparatively quieter but you could still spot a couple out in the distance.

'Hello ladies! What would you like in this fine evening?' The person sitting at the bar counter said, spotting you both.

'Hey Sunghoon, what you got?' You best friend asked the boy leaning against the counter.

'Some beer if you wanna stay with your senses or maybe something stronger. What about my specialty? It has been a hit today.' 'Fine... Lemme judge your bartender skills.

He turned towards you, 'And for you...?' 'Water because I need to drive this bitch back to dorms', You gave the blonde haired girl beside you a pointed look.

She grinned before her eyes squinted, following some guy. 'Ay sunghoon! You know that boy, standing 9 o'clock? Is he taken?'

'That's... Beomgyu. And no, lucky for you, he is pretty single.'

She clapped her hands, almost like scheming her plan. 'See you later, bestie!' Somi gave you a flying kiss, taking her drink from the counter and walking down the hallway.

You sighed, being left alone, your other friend Gaeul was down with a bad flu. You gave Sunghoon a tight lippped smile, accepting a glass of water.

An hour later, you found yourself moving to the backyard of the house. After spending an excruciatingly painful time trying to strike conversation with drunk students and avoiding being pulled into the dancing crowd, you escaped.

The night had cooled down a bit and the spring breeze hit your face, you walked up to the open. But what you didn't see was the figure already sitting in the dark.

'You can sit down if you want to.' You flinched at the sudden voice, turning to face the boy sitting down on the empty backyard.

You considered your options. You could go inside into a crowded party and not have to have a one on one conversation with a stranger. Or maybe you could avoid all the noise and do some small talk with a person who was kind enough to even offer you a seat.

You nodded, seating yourself down beside the boy on the steps. Only then did you notice who he was, 'Park Jay...?'

'Oh, so you know me?' You shrugged in reply. You had heard of him, the handsome and studious guy and spotted him in passing.

It was the first time you had ever seen Jay up close. And to be honest, he was just as gorgeous as you had heard people around you gush, maybe even more.

Almost as if you could look at him the entire day without getting bored.

The boy beside you questioned, 'And you are?' 'Y/N. We are in the same year, in case you're wondering', you added, half knowing what his next question could have been.

'Nice to meet you, Y/N', he extended his hand, giving a wide drunken grin. You shook his hand. It was the first time you had seen him smile because all the other times were from some other end of a college hallway. And you wouldn't lie, it suited his otherwise serious face.

A comfortable silence settled between you two for a while. You both looked ahead. Jay looked up as if counting the stars and you stared at the small garden. You could hear crickets chirp in the distance. And if it weren't for the fact that you had a friend to drive home to, you would have snuggled up in the back yard and slept.

'So, Y/N', Jay's voice suddenly boomed around your environment, as if crushing the calmth which surrounded you both. 'Do you believe in soulmates?'

This caught you off guard. Why would even a stranger be asking you this? 'Uh, that's... random.'

'Just answer me. I'm tired and I wanna talk to someone', he replied, somewhat impatiently.

I mean, what harm could it be? It was a typical topic of conversation and you needed some distraction to keep yourself awake.

Sitting up straighter, you looked towards him whose eyes were distant. 'Well, yep, I do.'

'You must be one of those lucky people who found their soulmates early in life, huh?' He whispered under his breath, not meaning you to listen.

'Actually no', you replied calmy. 'I... don't have a soulmate. Or even a link for that matter.'

It didn't faze you anymore. The fact that you didn't feel any physical or mental signs of a soulmate. Some people did consider it weird. But it was all okay for you.

Jay's head quickly turned towards you. 'So, there are people like me?'

'I'm sorry?' 'Guess I'm just like you, Y/N.'

Your stomach flipped at the new information. You hadn't thought of ever meeting someone who had much the same problem as yours. 'Oh. That's well... new?' 'Why do you still believe in it?' He asked further.

'Why not? Imagine being with someone who understands you so much that it's crazy. Don't you think it's pretty amazing how two people are connected since birth, destined to meet? I feel that's kinda magical. In a cruel world, sometimes it's worth believing in fairytales.'  Jay's eyes were closed but he was listening to every single thing. Almost as if your voice was calming him down, putting a stop to his racing thoughts.

You then added, 'You aren't different, Jay. You just need some time.' Well, this is what you always said to yourself.

'But what about my soulmate? What are they waiting for?' he opened his eyes and you noticed how dark his eyes were but they held a soft subtle innocence in them. Even though Jay had a casual smile on his face, his eyes said otherwise.

You weren't an expert in reading people but you thought you saw a bitter loneliness in his eyes. It reminded you of yourself, which made sense. And for some reason it made you feel sad too, it made you want to take away his sadness.

'They are there somewhere. Don't worry about them. And I hope you find them, just at the right time. Just when you need them. It's hard I know, to go about your day seeing all the people around you together.' You trailed, checking the time. 'Oh fuck! I think I need to jet. Gotta save my friend from making bad decisions', you chuckled, getting up.

'Can you read my mind, Y/N?' Jay wondered. You laughed, 'Oh yes! I'm secretly a psychic. Bye for now, Park Jay.' You waved him goodbye, your thoughts slowly getting occupied with those concerning Somi as you made your way down the hallway.

Jay muttered a small adieu, his face resting on his cheek. He felt lighter and giddier for some reason. Like, excited to meet you again. Something in the way you talked made him listen to your voice again and again.

･˳ . ⋆   almost... complete

Jay didn't believe in fate but after that night he hoped that he could see you again. Even if it was just to talk to you once. All he knew was your name. He was starting to forget your face which he had seen in the dark in a drunken haze.

He may have almost forgotten the sound of your voice a month later if it hadn't been a somewhat familiar voice calling out to him when he was somewhere in the depths of sleep.

'Uh sir, excuse me. We are about to close', you said, lightly tapping the shoulder of the boy who seemed to be asleep, his face down on the table of the cafe where you worked. All around him were pages and books and his laptop was wide open beside him, its screen dark. Typical college student things you could relate to.

Since starting your shift three hours ago, you had seen him in this position. Your only hoped that he hadn't fainted or anything due college pressure. That may have caused you some trouble.

The person before you slowly started to stir after your continuous calls. It was almost 11pm and you couldn't afford to be late to an early class tomorrow.

Seeing him lift his head off the table, you moved away.

'Who wha-' Jay yawned, rubbing his eyes to see his surroundings only to find your widened eyes staring at his sleepy form. His stomach dropped at your sight, moreover at the thought of you finding him sleeping like that. 'Oh fuc-' he hastily patted his hair and wiped his chin for any signs of him drooling.

You tried to hold back your laugh upon seeing him so flustered. You wouldn't lie, he did look adorable, quite a contrast to studious and mysterious vibe he had going on. 'Jay, we meet again.'

'You work here?' 'I mean, I wouldn't be wearing the barista's uniform if I didn't', you replied teasingly.

'Sorry. My bad', he rubbed his forehead. 'How long was I asleep?'

'More than three hours for sure. It's closing time and everyone has left. I suggest you pack up', you pointed at the mess on his table.

He realized what he had done. Slept when he should have been completing his assignment. 'No. It's due today', he whispered to himself, softly banging his head on the table.

'Here', you came from behind the counter and placed a cup of coffee in front of him. 'In case you need to pull an all nighter. This really helps.'

Jay quickly sat up seeing you. He was taken aback, 'I- uh can't accept this.' 'You have to. Now, quick, I need to go back home', you said, closing any room for arguments.

Jay awkwardly stood beside you, finishing his coffee as you locked the cafe. Patting the lock twice as a part of an old habit, you started walking with Jay following in tow.

You wouldn't lie, you were kind of nervous by his presence, you didn't even know why. Plus you were at loss of what to say.

Okay, maybe that wasn't the case... you did have questions for him like why was he so tired, what was his major, who gave him even the permission to look so attractive without even trying- (oh, that wasn't part of the script). Hell, you wanted to know him better and maybe even befriend him. And of course, you hadn't been thinking of him a lot since that one Friday night (ps, it's a lie).

'Sooo', you stopped in your tracks in an attempt to start up a conversation. 'Tough week?' Jay chuckled, catching up to your position, 'You know, you don't have to start a conversation just because we are so awkward.'

Fuck? Your cheeks turned pink in embarrassment, 'Uh-' 'But yep, I haven't had proper sleep in a while. Just have these assignments piling up which sucks.' He let out an exasperated sigh, 'Be a business major, my dad said, it'll be fun.'

'I can assure you that a creative writing major ain't any better', you rolled your eyes, walking up to the bus stop.

'Wait that's so cool!' Jay exclaimed and he meant it. He wasn't at all the creative type and he really marveled at how people could make others feel so much with words.

'Uhh it isn't as cool as it sounds', you scrunched your nose in disgust. Jay couldn't help but feel his stomach do a back flip at your expression. Dude, what is wrong with you? Why are you being a creep? His inner voice scolded him.

'But yea, it's fun when I'm not drowning in- oh the bus is here!' You announced looking at the familiar last bus that ran to your apartment.

You got in, finding a mostly empty vehicle aside from two sleeping college students and a man returning from work. You turned back, raising your hand to wave at Jay only to find him climbing behind you.

'Wait you live south of the campus too?' You asked, confused.

Jay made a surprised face, 'Ah yes! Just a bit farther away from there.' 'Weird I haven't ever seen you in this route.'

He laughed, which you assumed to be, nervously before going a taking the window seat.

You stood their in the aisle wondering whether to just sit beside him or take another one. You knew you should just find another place, considering how empty the bus was but weren't you both having a conversation?

A conversation you didn't want to end...

Jay didn't expect to feel a presence beside him as he looked out of the bus window. Surprised, he turned to look at you staring back at him.

When you saw him looking at you, you quickly ducked your head and cleared your throat, 'Ahem, so as I was saying...' you trailed, questioning whether he wanted to hear your useless banter.

'... About writing? Tell me more about it', Jay eagerly completed for you.

A small smile grew on your face. 'Tell me when you get bored, okay?' You jokingly warned him. I could never get bored of you talking, he thought but nodded nonetheless.

'Well, this would be me', you said, seeing the bus near the stop situated just a block or two away from your apartment. 'Where do you live?' You asked him as you took your bag.

'Uh', the boy stuttered for a second. 'The... next stop yep', Jay gave you a smile, internally slapping himself for the answer.

'Oh', you nodded. 'It was... nice talking to you, again.'

'I'm pretty sure the first time doesn't count', he chuckled. 'Message me once you reach home', he blurted out and then realized what he had just said. He wasn't even as close as a friend to say something like that, what was he thinking?

You felt your cheeks warm at his concern (?). Honestly, you found it very cute. 'Sure Mom', you teased him. 'Bye Park Jay!' You waved, getting down.

His lips quirked upwards, waving back to your slowly disappearing figure before taking out his phone and checking where he was. He had never, for the life of him, even ventured into this side of the town. Mostly he didn't have any need to.

Yes, he had just taken a different route and ended up quite far away from his dorms. All because he didn't want to let a chance go to talk to you.

After he was out of the bus and sitting on a bench, the dim streetlight shining on him, Jay sighed waiting for his cab and rested his head on his cheeks, he wondered out loud, 'what is happening to me?'

He knew it wasn't normal for him to be like this, use up the time talking to you when he should be doing his assignment. But you had an aura around yourself, something about the way you talked, the things you talked about, all seemed to pull Jay towards you. He had noticed the way your eyes sparkled when speaking about something you loved and how you were just as attentive to hear him rant.

He wasn't used to feeling like this, almost... complete.

･˳ . ⋆ against all odds

After that day, you talked to Jay almost everyday. Be it long deep text conversations or a good morning or have a nice day across the hallways, he could always find you somewhere. Sometimes you both ditched your friend groups to have lunch together because it was kind of boring to sit there with couples all around, you both claimed. Somedays you studied together at the library where you found yourself taking small nervous glances at his concentrated face.

But, at least for you, you just enjoyed his presence. Enjoyed how easy it was to strike a conversation with him, talk to him like old friends. Enjoyed how despite being kind of serious, Jay was very funny and he always found a way to make you cringe with him dad jokes.

It was all the small little things about him that just made it harder to not adore him. Like when the time he was willing to take abandoned kitten homes despite being allergic to them. Or when he tried the coffee flavors you were experimenting with, even though, they all tasted awful.

It didn't mean anything else, right...? we are just friends for God's sake! you told yourself. But then why were you feeling giddy at the sight of him walking up to you? Why did you feel your stomach do a sudden turn as he neared you, a soft smile on his face?

'Ready?' Jay asked. You nodded and noticed how casual yet handsome he looked with an oversized t-shirt and shorts. Well, he knew just how to pull any look. ('You know, you could have just chosen a fashion major', you had said to Jay once when he was contemplating his life choices).

'Let's go!' You exclaimed, skipping your way ahead of him. He chuckled behind you, feeling his heart warm at your childish action but then grumbled about how crowded it'd be at the Uni's summer festival. You turned to face him and stuck out your tongue, 'Too late to cop out now!'

You thought it was kind of a crime that Jay hadn't ever been to the festival in the past two years (for his defense, he said that the it was filled with soulmates. 'How can you know if you haven't ever gone there?' You counter questioned him). So, this year you took it up to yourself to drag the boy.

However, surprisingly, it wasn't as hard to convince him as you had expected, just a bribe to treat him to free coffee every week and win him something from the fair.

So, there you both were, walking through the festival, with various stalls set up by the students. You could see Somi in the kissing booth and Gaeul was probably somewhere with her soulmate, Hueningkai, hosting a bake sale.

'How do you like it?' You asked Jay, walking side by side while searching for the game stalls. 'It's... okay. But hey, I was right, this place is filled with soulmates.'

'Omg c'mon now! Let them be. Just because we haven't found ours doesn't mean you have to be so anti-romantic', you playfully slapped his shoulder. 'There it is!' You spotted it, pointing at the ring toss game.

You pulled him through the crowd. Jay noticed the way your hand was tugging at his wrist and he felt a jolt of electricity run through his body at the contact.

'Oh Jake?!' You exclaimed upon seeing Jay's friend at the stall.

'Y/N!' He replied enthusiastically. You hadn't hung out with his friends much but the times you had they had been nothing but warm, especially Jake who was always willing to talk to you.

'What are you doing here?' Jay asked in a flat voice. 'Making money, mate.'

The Australian guy then noticed your hand circled around his and wiggled his eyebrows at his friend. Realizing what he was implying, you quickly dropped his hand, embarrassed.

'One ticket for the game', the tall boy beside you said, breaking the awkward atmosphere that had settled and taking out his wallet.

'Hey! I pay', you scolded him. He turned to look at you with bored eyes, 'Yeah right, no way.'

You sputtered, 'B-but I forced you to come here, I should pa-' 'Which gives me even more reason to pay because you did succeed.'

You grumbled, defeated and knowing how stubborn he could be.

'So, you get four chances with one ticket', Jake said, handing you four rings. 'Make all these four through the pegs and you get a prize. A smaller prize if you get three pegs down.'

You nodded, determined to win.

What followed was your very hard attempt to throw those rings in place. You didn't realize how bad of a hand-eye coordination you had until only one of the rings made it to the peg. 'Fuck! Wait I don't get anything for one?' Jake shook his head, giving a sad smile.

Beside you, Jay chuckled, 'Tried your luck? Let's go.'

'Nope! One more ticket', you took out the money from your bag, beating Jay to it. 'Okay phew!' You prepared yourself, tying your hair.

Jake cheered, 'Y/N you can do it!'

You couldn't. 'Nooo! What the hell!' You cried in defeat, looking at the four hoops that had landed at different places, one even hitting Jake on his head.

'Oh God. You are terrible at this. Here, lemme show you', Jay said obviously done with how poorly you had performed. 'Last round.'

He came behind you, one hand touching your shoulder and the other one holding your hand. You stiffened at it, feeling his breath near your ear.

This was normal, right? Normal for a friend to touch your hands oh so gently and guide it so that you could win the prize?

But I have already won my prize you thought, turning your head to look at him carefully instructing you, his eyes on the game. You didn't know how to stop the blush from settling, seeing Jay so close, his dark eyes sparkling in the setting sun. It felt almost... magical.

Magical but deep down you knew, wrong because he wasn't your soulmate and you weren't his.

In the daze you were in, you didn't realize when and how he had put four rings through the hoop. 'There!' He exclaimed, removing his hand from your. 'That's how you do it', Jay said, flicking your forehead.

'Ouch!' You tried your best to break away from your thoughts, shaking your head and making a face of fake annoyance. 'But ugh-!' You pouted. 'I wanted to win it for you!' You whined

He chuckled, taking a plushie, 'You can still claim it like you won it for me, hm?'

'Fine.' You snatched it from him, turned around for a second before offering it to him, 'My dear friend Park Jay, here is my bribe for bringing you here. Please accept this little offering for I have won it with all my blood, sweat and tears!' You proclaimed proudly.

Yea, quite some eyes turned to your direction but you didn't really mind it. Jay cracked up, before pulling you away from the game stall, 'C'mon noe. Gosh, dramatic much?'

You grinned, 'Only for you.' Playfully bumping your shoulder with his.

He brushed it off but his mind was somehow stuck at your earlier three words. only for... him? It shouldn't account to much, but it did.

After going around the festival for another half an hour, greeting some of your friends, (forcibly) eating the burnt cookies Gaeul had made and stuffing your mouths with some much better food, you both made your way to the open area where the live band took place. It was the star attraction and your college was pretty famous for it.

The best thing was that anyone could come up on stage and sing their hearts out and the audience would follow them. Even before starting college, you used to come there alone to enjoy the vibe.

And now you had Jay with you.

Night had fallen by the time the first band stepped up, hyping up the crowd. Luckily, it was a clear evening, the stars shining bright as the songs started flowing in.

The first few were soft melodies, you swayed your body to the beat and watched Jay standing beside you, his eyes on the stage. You wanted to decipher what they said. Were they mesmerized? Did he feel bored? Was he thinking of something?

Jay wasn't a very expressive person. The only time you had seen him in a fully vulnerable state, filled with feelings, was the night you met him. But you didn't want him to be like that, you didn't want him to hold back his emotions.

So, you took his hand. Jay, surprised, turned to face you. You shrugged and smiled, raising his hand with yours, moving it with the song.

While you closed your eyes, he was still looking at you, his lips parted apart which slowly turned into a small smile. He studied your features one by one, eyes filled with adoration.

And that is when Jay realized. He didn't need any soulmate or his other half if he could spend all his time with you. Like, at that moment how you both were dancing to some fast track; panting, screaming and shouting like everyone else. He didn't need anything else if he could see you smiling, staring into his eyes with orbs filled with joy.

There may not be fate connecting you and Jay but it was fate that had brought you to him and at that moment he felt he wouldn't give up on you, even if he found his soulmate.

'And for the next song, I'll request you to partner up with your soulmate and if you haven't found yours, grab the person who's closest to you', the lead singer said.

Before you could look for a friend or anyone, Jay turned you towards him. 'The person nearest to me, you', he whispered, pulling you a bit closer. You nodded, feeling butterflies going wild in your stomach, unable to look anywhere but his face.

A guitar started to strum in the background and the low, sad voice of the singer followed it. It was a familiar song.

Jay bathed in the lyrics of the song, singing along to Jaurim's 'Til Death Do Us Apart'. You placed a hand on his shoulder and intertwined the other with his fingers. He looked into your eyes, '죽음이 우리를 갈라놓을 때까지 (i'll not let go of your hand that i take).'

'오, 그대여 내 손을 잡아요 (my dear, hold my hand)

이제는 혼자가 아니야 (you're no longer alone)'

You didn't know what passed between you both at that moment but you realized that somewhere along the past few weeks, you had crossed the line of being mere friends with Jay, or rather your feelings had.

Or else you wouldn't be resting your head on his shoulder, feeling his voice flow into your ears like some age old melody you had been searching for...

'Til the death do us apart

'Til the end of the world...'

Later that night, Jay lay awake on his bed, thinking back to the feelings that had dawned on him. He felt a smile make the way to his face as he thought of you. The way you lighted up the world or rather his. He hadn't ever felt so connected to a person. He knew that the feelings he had been harbouring were more than just passing emotions.

Could it be possible...? Possible that you were what he was searching for the entire time. Neither of you had a link, so it could make sense. Jay sat up, the sheets rustling under him.

'Bro, sleep and wipe the lovesick smirk off your face', Heeseung yawned from beside him. 'No I'm not-' he tried protesting.

The other boy turned to face him with a deadpanned look, 'You look different. As in, happier.'

'What...' Jay was confused, he didn't feel that way.. okay maybe that was a big fat lie, he did feel... well, something!

'You know well enough what I mean, Park. Don't act like we are blind to you and Y/N. See, Jay, you have always been kind of a... how do I explain it? Somewhat of a pessimistic sad person, using sarcasm to mask yourself, which I totally understand. But these days, dude, you are more open and free and I think it's because of her...'

Jay didn't know how to react. Heeseung was right. He did feel like meeting you sort of took away the sense of loneliness set deep within him. Not only because you were like him but also because you were you. Always attempting to have fun, to pull Jay out with you, like that one time you both dance in the rain with your friends even though normally he would never. You had a subtle wild and playful side to your deep persona.

'Do you... do you think we could actually be together if I tried?' He asked his friend, his eyes on the dark ceiling.

'Now I don't know the chances of her being your soulmate but even if she isn't, do you want to take the chance to be with her? It's up to you, Jay.'

He was right. There was no gurantee that you both were meant to be but he was willing. He was willing to take the chance.

Against all odds..

･˳ . ⋆ maybe this moment would last forever

In the days that followed the night of the festival, Jay seemed changed, but in a good way or so you hoped. You noticed, in small ways, how he smiled more often, seemed happier when around you and randomly gave you compliments. Jay was a naturally helpful person but somedays you could find him waiting outside your class or walking you home which was quite afar from his, despite your protests. ('See as a good friend, it is my duty to accompany you back home late at night', he said once. You had scoffed, 'Speak for yourself, Park. You are literally scared of everything.')

This was unlike him but what was unlike you was that you liked it. You liked how he made you feel- giddy, excited and blushing. You had had fleeting crushes before but with Jay it was something more because with each little interaction, you found yourself falling more and more.

Love was a strong word and for someone who had never got a sign from their soulmate, you were even more wary of it. In fact, you couldn't even say how it felt. Did it feel the way your parents used to cook dinner together in the kitchen, looking into each other's eyes, having some secret moment pass between them?

'Hey, Y/N', Jay called out to you in a low whisper as you both sat at a secluded corner of the library. You looked up from the short story you were working on for the past hour. It was due in a few days and you were stuck at just the most crucial part if the story.

'What now?' You questioned, rubbing your forehead in slight frustration for running out of ideas. 'Wanna ditch this for a while?'

'Look, Park, you may be having a nice time with assignments right now but I'm struggling to write the ending', you glared at him despite wanting nothing more than to close your laptop shut.

He clicked his tongue, 'Which gives us even more reason to have a little fun, hm?' 'Since when do you give up on our studying session?! You asked, confused at what he was saying. 'It's my job to take you on random adventures!'

How can I even study when you're the only thing in my mind? He thought but replied, 'Guess I should take over your position. Now, give yourself a break, Y/N.'

You sighed but gave in. A break wouldn't hurt... right? Plus, it was Jay so you knew you would have said agreed after some persuasion.

'Where are we going? Are you kidnapping me?' You demanded, packing your things. He winked, 'You'll see.' Your heart did a flip at his action and you couldn't help but wonder what had been taking over your friend (? Or crush? Or the literal love of your life?) for the past days.

'Okay, is this a trap to drive me to my death?' You huffed, sitting in Jay's car, remembering that one time he had offered to drive you home and you had to take over the wheel considering how bad he was driving.

'Don't worry, I don't drive that bad. Trust me.' 'The only thing I cannot do', You lied.

'Are we going...' You trailed, turning your face away from the rapidly changing scenery and looking towards the boy heavily concentrated on the road. He gave a quick smile, 'To the beach? Yep.'

'You know, I could have driven us to there too', you protested seeing how tensed he looked. 'But I wanted to kind of... surprise you', he muttered.

You stopped, staring at his face. God, you couldn't even help it but to giggle at his words. 'Caught you there, didn't I?' He smirked.

You whispered, not meaning him to hear you, 'You did...

You felt his hand on yours. 'Focus on driving, dummy.' But he didn't remove it. A blush caught in your cheeks as you rested your head on the seat, looking ahead. It was almost 6 in the evening but the sun was still up there, thanks to summer.

The beach was quite far from the campus but a mundane happiness filled you, driving down the empty roads, singing along to the music playing. You could hear Jay's soft voice sing under his breath as he slowly gained confidence in his driving. 'You should sing more often, Jay.' it sounds like honey.

'Finally!' You exclaimed, jumping out of the car and seeing the beach spread before you. You squinted your eyes in confusion, 'But why is this so empty?'

Jay came up behind you, taking your hand, 'I drove us to a quieter part. I accidentally discovered it during my first year when me and Sunghoon bunked our classes. Let's go!'

'You know we could get sick, Y/N!' Jay screamed at you as you splashed water all over his shirt.

You teased him, 'Too late! You suggested that we- yah!' You shouted as he suddenly attacked you. He laughed at your shocked face.

'Park, you'll pay!' You warned, searching the sand for anything you could find.

'What are you doing?', he asked, curious before widening his eyes at the sight of you picking up a stray rock and readying yourself to chase him. 'Are you crazy?' He ran in the opposite direction.

Jay turned around to find you catching up to him, laughing, the rock held high up your hand. The wind blew your hair in different directions and the sun casting beautiful patterns on your face. Jay thought he hadn't seen a sight so free before.

He fumbled for his phone, taking it out and snapping a picture before you could protest. 'Delete that!' You demanded, upon reaching him and softly hitting him with the stone.

Jay shook his head, pulling you with him closer to the shore, the waves washing up to your feet and the feeling of the sand slipping under you. 'God, I missed this so much!' You muttered to yourself. 'And I missed feeling so complete', he said.

Your face lighted up at his words. He was a lonely boy and you were a lonely girl but maybe that is what completed your friendship. You both were so alike that you loved small differences you shared.

'What are we? Kids?' Jay asked, sitting beside you in front of his car, waiting for the fireworks.

'Maybe. But I liked this. I like feeling like we are some dumb 10 year olds instead of adults', you said looking ahead at the horizon and reflecting back on the past hour where you both ran around the shore, writing your names on the sand, drenching each other in water and bathing in the happiness that those moments brought.

It felt special, like you didn't want to let it go. 'God, why do I feel like this moment would last forever?' You wondered out loud, a sinking feeling in your stomach knowing how it will end in a matter of few minutes. 'Maybe it will.' Jay scooted closer to you, resting his head on your shoulder.

You looked down at his soft hair and grinning face and put your hand around his shoulder and nervously put your head on his.

For once, you seem to forgot that he wasn't your soulmate, you just wanted to convince yourself that maybe... just maybe Jay could be the one.

You now think how foolish you were to be blinded by those delusions.

'You once said I'll meet my soulmate just at the right time. I guess that didn't happen but I met you, just at the right time. I don't think I want to give up on being twenty or in love with you. I want this summer to last forever, I want us to last forever', his voice came like a soft whisper, the words blending into each other inside your brain as you tried to process what he had just said. You stared back at him, your heart leaping at what he had just said.

The four lettered word you had been scared of. But at that very moment, you thought love found a meaning for you. At that very moment when you saw Jay's face nearing yours, his eyes sparkling with some hidden thought.

However, you knew what they said. Love. 'I love you-' He couldn't complete it because the next moment, you cupped his face, pulling him closer into a kiss.

And that's when you found the meaning of love. It was simple, soft like landing on a bed of feathers, but it was also like a spark, like the fireworks you could hear in the distance as his lips moved in sync with yours in the dying light of the summer, saying the words you don't think you'll ever have the courage to utter. Love was a grand thing but sometimes it just meant spending a summer evening at the beach, letting the feeling of youth wash over you. Sometimes it meant playing a game you couldn't win.

And it was also the moment when you understood what heartbreak felt like because after you broke the kiss, resting your forehead on his, your breaths the only sound you could hear, something caught your eyes. It was Jay's finger that was tracing your cheeks.

It was a red string, so thin, barely visible. The red string of fate, that connected two souls together and that's when you saw, it wasn't connected to your finger...

He wasn't yours to keep.

･˳ . ⋆ letting you go

'Y/N, wait, can... we just... talk?' A voice called out to you from across the almost empty hallway.

His voice.

You stopped in your tracks, a familiar feeling of sadness taking over you. Over the past week, you had tried everything to avoid Jay, to keep him at bay.

The car ride back from the beach was silent, he had been way too shaken to say anything and kept glancing at the red thread emerging from his finger. His soulmate link, something he had searched for ever but it only came when he wanted it to disappear.

Through the long journey, you had made up your mind. That you weren't his soulmate, no matter how either of you felt. And you wouldn't be the one to hold him back.

'What is there to talk?' You asked bitterly, feeling his hand turning you to face him.

'Why have you been avoiding me? Di-did that kiss mean nothing?' Jay's voice broke.

'It meant everything to me-' '- then why?! Are you scared of this?' He pointed at his finger. 'You know I have tried everything to make it go. I have searched online to see what to do with it but I just can't find anything! That's how much I want to be with you, Y/N', he said, desperation seeping into his voice.

'But Jay, we aren't meant to be. I don't want to take you from someone who really deserves you. Don't you see, it will-' You took a deep breath, controlling the tears welling in your eyes. 'It will hurt us both.'

He took your hand, pulling your chin to face his eyes, 'We'll make it work, love. I cannot let a stupid thread decide who I love. Please.'

His please quite literally broke you from the inside and you couldn't help but let one drop of tear roll past your cheek. No one said how hard it could be to fall for the wrong boy. The boy whose line of fate didn't collide with yours.

No one said that letting him go, for both of your happiness would be one the hardest things ever. And maybe because you loved him, you uttered the next few words, 'No. I will not live my life as a regret, thinking I stole you from someone. I have to let go, Jay. You should too.' You pried your hands out of his as Jay's face contorted in sadness, his eyes flickering, unable to hold back his tears.

You couldn't see him cry but mostly you knew you should just withdraw yourself to not cause him anymore pain. You turned around wiping your face and walking away. Away from the one you loved, away from a future you could have had.

･˳ . ⋆ twenty forever

You knew what you were getting yourself into when you agreed to accompany Gaeul to the college reunion party. It had almost been over six years since you had seen your classmates.

Since you had seen... him.

It wasn't like you didn't wanna go, heck, you had missed those friends from the days of college too but you knew he would be there and with him would come back all the memories and love you had tried so hard to suppress. They would overflow, creating a new wound or maybe opening the old one.

And he stands before you, a glass in his hands, giving you a small, almost sad smile. He looks different and yet so same to the Jay you had fallen for.

You remember laughing at his jokes, bickering with him over the stupidest nerdiest topics ever, holding his hand as you both ran in the dark. It all flashes like some film montage. But mostly you remember the night when you met him.

A night which was similar to todays. The night you found him drunk in the backyard. You wonder what would have happened if you hadn't gone to the party, if you hadn't made your way to him.

You'd be a way different person than you were today.

If you try hard enough, you feel like you'll get transported to your memories, where you are still twenty.

His voice comes out soft and tender, 'Thank you, Y/N. Thank you for teaching me how to love and-' He stops, hesitating or rather contemplating whether to say what comes next, 'Thank you for-' '- for being my first love, Jay.'

･˳ . ⋆ In the season when the wind blows and flowers fall, it still seems as if I'm holding your hand...

If you have made it through this mess, drop down a feedback as it really helps! ily and i hope you have a great day/night ^^!!

work belongs to @/luvistqrzzz do not, repost or translate my work.

[gibbearish]

every time i see discourse about fundraisers go by on here im just fully struck with the realization that not a single one of you people have either taken a cybersecurity fraud prevention course or bothered to take one singular second to consider the website youre on. this is the broke bitches website. none of us can afford to fund our mutuals' grocery bills, much less entire evacuation funds, and CERTAINLY not FAKE evacuation funds taking advantage of genocide victims. all this shit abt how people are deliberately choosing not to fund every post that passes their dash because they hate palestinians literally just does the work of actual scammers for them by laying the high-pressure sales tactics groundwork, and the "do you guys have any idea how hard it is to keep coming up with new attention-grabbing fundraiser posts?" ones just ring EXTREMELY hollow because YEAH! YEAH I DO! and so does everyone i follow! and everyone they follow! because all of us are FUCKING BROKE and surviving on crumbs! i just saw one that said "i make sure to keep $40 in my wallet at all times so i can give $20 to any panhandlers i see, this is the same" and its like!! good for you, thats very nice, but like!!! you need need NEED to take a step back and realize that /being able to do that/ is a position of privilege, not the default setting to be a good person. i wont discount that some people do ignore fundraisers specifically because of racism because Of Course, but like. a) yelling at them isnt gonna make them stop, or more accurately yelling at /everyone else/ isnt gonna make those people stop, and b) trying to apply that as a blanket motivation for everyone just. realistically doesnt work. not donating is a nonaction, it is the literal default status, and while in specific situations you can use CONSISTENT absence of SPECIFIC actions to track a person's motivations SOMETIMES, broadly speaking that just. doesnt work.

there are 8 billion people on this planet. most of them will never know you exist. of the ones that do, most will not be able to help you. of the ones that can, most will not be on the broke bitches website passing the same communal $20 around. consider your audience and stop shitting on fellow poor people for having the gall to need to be careful with their money. and if you are genuinely only posting your fundraiser to tumblr, like. im sorry, but you need to anticipate not reaching your goal and prepare accordingly. theres a reason the last big scam scandal people talk about actually getting the money is like. all-or-nothing era, as a website none of us have the funds to make that kind of thing happen anymore or the security to risk it. a fundraiser not meeting its goal on here is not a personal sleight against whoever made it, its just how life goes sometimes. and it's unfair and it sucks and we should help however we can, but. sometimes you just arent able to help someone else, and continuing to feel responsible serves only to torture yourself. and blaming OTHERS serves only to move that guilt from yourself off onto another person. i imagine that has to be where a lot of the vitriol comes from, is people who cant afford to donate more getting pissed at people they see as having the funds but choosing not to share them, but again, sometimes you just are not able to achieve the goals you set out towards, through no fault of the specific parties involved.

people on tumblr choosing to buy groceries rather than potentially donate to a scam are not your enemy and are not the ones facilitating a genocide. we're all victims of the same horrific system, the question is just how that system manifests its influence on each of us. poverty kills just as thoroughly as a bomb. everyone is just doing their best to survive, and as much as we like to pretend that everyone should be a perfect selfless angel that puts others before themselves no matter what, humans are by default a selfish species, and it is a lot easier to say what youd do in theory than actually do it. and there's a reason you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping the person beside you, youre of no help to anyone if youre too dead to do anything.

[khaleesiofalicante]

A little advice and rant (because for some reason writing things here makes me feel better and hopefully doesn't, in-turn makes your mood somber)

Do you have days when you feel unproductive? What do you do?

This feels embarrassing to admit but I used to be one of those kids who got full marks in school and like the first year in college and now I can feel all that slipping away. I constantly feel like my parents are always disappointed in me. If they call me out, I lash out at them. The fact that I'm writing this is idk humiliating me, but I can't just keep it inside me anymore. Now I feel like I was never smart, I was just really good at faking it and now I'm not? I'm tired of faking it... what scares me is how i have started excepting what I am. It just terrifies me sometimes seeing what I have become. I feel angry when I tell this to a friend and they tell me oh ur smart ul make it and I just wanna scream at them like NO CANT YOU SEE IT IM NOT.

I'm glad you can come talk to me about stuff. I've always liked being someone people can talk to.

I do have days that I feel unproductive, but what you're describing sounds like a phase (for the lack of a better word).

As someone who was also the straight-A student in school, I always felt like school was... easier. College is something that is genuinely difficult in terms of the content we learn, the way we learn, the way we are taught, and our peers too. So, firstly, don't be too hard on yourself if you're struggling in college because it's supposed to be a little difficult.

Secondly, college gets harder every year—quite literally. So I think comparing yourself to your grades (or the amount of energy you had) during your first year to now is unfair to you. We don't have infinite amounts of energy and fucks to give. We do have finite amounts of passion for sure. These things get drained slowly, especially as we grow up. So that's why it's so important to study/work on things we enjoy and are passionate about so it's a little easier for us.

As someone whose self-esteem is very much tied to their intelligence, I understand you deeply. I once had a panic attack (a bad one) in my college bathroom when I found out I got a B in a subject. I remember my mom laughing and being like, "That's it? You're so dramatic," when I felt like I was literally collapsing.

So, I get you. I understand the need to be smart. But what I have moved away from is trying to measure my smartness through my grades. Because guess what? Grades don't fucking matter when you leave school/uni. It's not how we judge ourselves or our abilities. Now once you leave school/uni. It is a ridiculous system, and we mustn't let it make us feel shit about ourselves.

Just because you are not getting the same grades you used to, it doesn't mean you're not smart anymore. You do realize you literally know more than you did 2 or 3 years ago? You know more than you did a month ago? You are literally getting smarter every day. Just because it's not reflected in your grades doesn't mean you're not smart.

The fact that your grades are slipping could be because of so many things. The exam marking styles could have changed, the teachers could've become stricter, the subject might be harder, or maybe you have more difficulty remembering details because you are older and your brain has more things to focus on now. It could be any number of things. These are all things you can work on and improve.

There are lots of ways you can do this. Consider using a new learning style. I was always someone who learned visually, and I experimented with auditory learning in uni and realized voices are actually easier to remember than visuals (especially when I got older and could focus better). You can learn with others. It's okay to think of yourself as smart, but don't ever think you're the smartest person in the room - that shit is bad for you. So if you're struggling, look at the people who are not. Ask them to help. It doesn't make you stupid or small. Asking for help is the smartest thing anyone who wants to survive can do.

These are all things you can do to "get better" and go back to those standards you have set for yourself.

But from my heart, I tell you, don't try to live up to the standards you set for yourself when you were in school. The way you judged yourself in school cannot be the same system you judge yourself as an adult. It's two completely different lives, and trying to live up to those standards will only make you feel shit about yourself.

For what it's worth, I don't think you were faking it before. People don't feel so guilty and bad about losing something they faked. If this is something you want to fix and get back to those old grades, then like I said, try new things and see what works and what doesn't. But if you don't want to try too hard, that's okay too. It's not something to be ashamed about. I think the standards we set for ourselves should be based on our current realities, not our past or our future.

I am sure you will figure this one out and will feel like yourself again. You are smart. I have faith in you. You got this.

PS - Not to condone violence, but it's impossible to feel smart when the people around you make you feel stupid, so I don't blame you for lashing out at your parents. If their lack of support is making things worse, you need to tell them. If they want you to be smart, then they better act like it too.

Love 💜

[posebean]

good rinky hanahaki morning

GOOD RINKY HANAHAKI MORNING!!!

sorry this is all i have to offer for u. i cant draw flowers </3

anyways more stuff under the read more :3 making it more concrete than just a "i just woke up and am rambling in sana's comments"

now that i have ur attention time to ramble MOREEEEE

rinne's is slow, just small coughs here and there, a petal or two. it started around a year-two ago, a single seed that was nurtured for so long, slowly rooted into his system and growing with the steady love he felt over the years, only getting greater and greater

it doesn't hurt. he's patient. he's waited for so long, he'll wait for eternity if he has to. he's strong and even if one day niki will leave him, maybe fall in love with someone that's not him, he'll still live on with them on his lungs, as long as Niki is happy he is happy, that's all he needs really. and if that time does come he'll just quietly let Niki be happy, stepping away and slowly letting the flowers engulf him.

so he hides it. its not much an effort to hide it, like i said his isnt super bad. he can easily pass it off as a cold or a chronic cough, and everyone (mostly) believes him. (while maybe the more attentive people have their doubts.)

he keeps his mask on and continues with every-day life, teasing Niki as always, being the Rinne Amagi that is known for being a troublemaker; niki asks one day if he got a new floral shampoo, unable to exactly discern the smell but just that its floral. rinne just laughs and is like how did niki~kyun know (proceeds to tease him) while he can feel the roots wrapping around his lungs, squeezing tight, leaving him breathless for some moments.

he'll never complain though, and has never even entertained the idea of getting them surgically removed.

now Niki... if Rinne's has grown slowly over time, his is the opposite. usually it starts off with bouts of coughing, shortness of breath. he immediately starts off with blood-speckled petals. its not gradual at all, its a sudden spike of pain in his chest, burning, searing.

maybe it all comes rushing in, maybe he's always felt this way, just suppressed the seed, which only kept growing more and more pressurized in containment until it burst forward with a sudden realization that Oh he really does love rinne but thinks that rinne only loves him out of obligation, out of a need to pay him back

so he tries so, so hard to hide it. comes up with excuses why he's been fatigued lately, says he was called in to work and cant make it to practice, etc. (but theyre all lies and hes just in some corner or in the bathroom, coughing his lungs out, petals, buds, flowers, blood falling out)

rinne notices immediately something is off. he cant figure out what, though. he knows niki is hiding something. niki's health is deteriorating rapidly, but niki refuses to tell anyone, let anyone know, not even rinne himself, and he cant figure out why!!! and its downright tearing him to pieces

Until he does find out, and takes a deep breath, ignoring the pricks of his own flowers, to grab Niki's hands and beg him to tell him who the flowers are for, who does he need to give Niki up to so that he smiles again.

And then its a whole song and dance of Niki refusing to tell him, as he is, not wanting to bother Rinne with his feelings. Telling him not to worry about him, even if he's coughing up fully bloomed flowers, a tell-tale sign that he doesn't have much time left. All while Rinne is in agony, trying to find who it is, looking everywhere, all around them (but ironically not down at himself). His hanahaki progresses a little, but it's still gradual. Yet even if its gradual, he cant ignore that searing feeling when he sees Niki bent over, unable to move as he coughs up flower after flower, petal after petal.

And then it all leads up to them arguing, Rinne desperately trying to convince Niki to get the flowers surgically removed, acknowledging that if Niki refuses to let him know who it is he should at least Live. Live without that love anymore, but still at least live.

And that's the tipping point where Niki shatters, yelling that, No, he doesn't want to die. He wants to live!! He wants to be able to enjoy eating again, he wants to be able to sing, to dance, to laugh, to cry. All while being alive!!

But he'd rather die than have to live without any love and memory for Rinne-kun anymore.

And then Rinne just stares at him, dumb-founded. Niki's straight up crying, aware that he doesn't have much time to live, readily expecting some sort of rejection.

But all Rinne does is laugh so, so painfully, the flowers on his lungs burning. And Niki glares at him and is like what are YOU laughing for I'm literally dying for you and you're laughing? And Rinne's like "Niki we are so, so, SO stupid" and then after coughing into his own hand for a bit, reveals petals, speckled in blood

And then he's like "Fuck saving this for marriage we both are literally dying" and before Niki can say a thing he kisses him and the flowers on their lungs crumble into ash, gone for good.

ok now that my minific is done (sorry i dont think ill be able to write an actual fic im not good at these types so please enjoy a ramble/minific)

and then idk abt the flowers cuz many have different meanings

i said rinne's were baby's breath (everlasting love ((his neverending devotion to Niki even if he was dying))) or primrose (i cant live without you (((yeah))))) but i also was entertaining honeysuckle (pure happiness((( for the 'honey' motif ))

I said for niki hydrangeas (gratitude ((because that's what he is for Rinne, an unconditional gratitude to the man that has been there for him, even if his ways were unconventional)))

ok anyways i hope u enjoyed the rinniki hanahaki full course :thumbs up:

[yuridovewing]

🔥longtail!

biiit of a general ramble about disabled cats, but i dont think disabled cats retiring early is necessarily a bad thing in of itself, but rather the framing of it and how the cats are usually forced into it (see: jaypaw) id love a plotline about (preferably deputy) longtail coping with his injury and becoming blind and realizing his own limits and deciding on his own that he would like to retire and adjust. and its portrayed as a totally positive thing for him that he worked out his own limits and found a support system. personally in my au i have it so that he steps down as deputy and works as a warrior, then retires after the great journey because of the effect it had on him. and since we dont know exactly how he retired, im gonna cling to the idea that it was his choice. please let it be his choice.

i kinda find it shallow to go “we gotta rewrite wc so every disabled cat can still work!” cause the reality is, plenty of disabled people physically cant work and plenty do need other people to care for them. like have some cats decide to keep going of course and work out some accommodations, disabled people arent a monolith and some will have different motivations and limits, but i dont think the elders den should be thrown away entirely in these scenarios. again, just dont force them into it, make it THEIR choice to do so. also no more conversations about contribution

[afuckingsystemsthoughts]

we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.

also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself

now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.

i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.

having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)

feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.

the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.

for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.

DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.

[trolagygirl2022]

hiii girlie 💗 I'd like to participate in your game. the question changed a bit but thats what came through when i was channeling lol

what it will be like to be with your future spouse:

the lovers, 2 of cups, the devil, 3 of cups, page of cups, the fool, 4 of swords, high priestess, the magician, 3 of wands, 2 of wands.

using he/him pronouns bc you guys are for sure that cute ass high priestess + magician couple lmao.

his overall energy is VERY refreshing, like diving into the pool on a hot day. i feel like thats what it would feel like to be in a relationship with him as well, waking up next to him every day and just seeing him gives you energy for the day and the same goes for him, you give him the energy he needs for the day. no matter how tired you were, sleeping in his arms and you feel WELL RESTED. this turns you guys into that magician and priestess couple, it just makes you work harder and become better at what you do for work yk? loving him makes you feel closer to god in a sense (if you believe in all that yk)

however, the downside to all this is in that devil card: without him, you have no energy. you guys become EXTREMELY codependent on eachother like i can picture in the early stages of dating you sleep beside him once and you cant sleep on your own again 😭 you guys are FOR SURE never ever ever breaking up lmao (at least thats how he feels). the 2 and 3 of wands indicate you both probably plan your days around each other and plan your futures with eachother, the 3 of cups giving "i wanna spend every birthday, christmas, new years, halloween etc. with you".with the fool there as well this is probably something you knew early on in your relationship perhaps even the moment you met, ik a lot of men know very early on what they think of women like "will this just be a one night thing or will i marry this girl?" and he knew FOR SURE that this is it for him ‼️

a few extra thoughts: "i gotta find peace of mind" by ms lauryn hill (he is your peace of mind basically), that one street interview where that guy is all defensive until he realizes the interviewer asked how he and his wife met then hes excited to talk about her 😭, jude bellingham, milo manheim type looks, yall read together, "in the cut w my twin we be vibing" lol, cottagecore couple vibes

please dont feel obligated to reciprocate the amount i wrote, your man is a yapper when it comes to you 😭 hes giving very air/mercurial energy, maybe gemini or libra mercury/venus? hes very romantic with his words

Thank you so much for this!! Here's your reading.

Your future spouse:

2 of Swords, 5 of Pentacles, The Hierophant, 7 of Swords rev.

Your future spouse is someone who is very honest. They hate liars and untruthful people. I see them having this "just" mindset. They might have some traditional values that they believe in and like to practice. Could be religious or have some sort of beliefs that tie to it. They probably grew up experiencing the harder side of life and so they've always wanted to change the system and how it is. They always want to make things right. I see them as someone that fights for others. They can be quite protective as well. I'm picking up on something tense here, that could just be their energy. They like to make positive changes in their community. So if they grew up in a bad area, they would want to help repair it, stuff like that. A very selfless soul that advocates for the rights of others! They definitely have some Libra/Leo energy, maybe some Aquarius too.

[rocicrew]

Hiya! From prompt list. Roci family dynamics. “I am home.”

this took a bit of a different turn than what i originally intended to write but i'm personally quite satisfied with that, and i hope you enjoy too anon ! Angst/fluff Prompt List, accepting

When he picks the crew of the Scopuli, Holden doesn't know that they have one thing in common.

Alex is a great pilot, Naomi and Amos could keep a rust bucket afloat with only a couple of tools, and Shed's their medic. It's simple as that. And if they do run into trouble, the distress call seems like, Amos is someone you want on your side. It's logical, not personal. Common values play no role and, at first, it doesn't seem like they have any. Not in the way they can't decide on a joined course of action.

But, they've all been running from home.

He didn’t know and didn't care about their past. Everyone on the Cant was running from something. It only mattered who they were now.

On a particularly hard night, he wonders if Shed was too. If he'd be one of them, close as they are now.

A part of him struggles at accepting this is true for himself. He grew up with open fields and trees and eight parents all over him. What right does he have to be running from home? For home, a paradise to others, to be something he runs from?

But is sure of one thing. He wouldn’t trade their little ship for anything in the system.

Every time he hears Naomi's laugh and gets lost in her lips. Every meal Alex prepared in the galley. Amos clapping him on his back as they pass each other in the hallways. Bobbie wordlessly points out things he's missed in a tactical report. Clarissa fixing the coffee machine before he has time to notice and leaving a cup brewing for him, saying her apology even years after.

Every time he sits next to them, laughs with them, breathes the same air, touches, hugs, lives with them. He knows that's truly what home is and everything else fades away.

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Naomi grows up without a home.

Her mother has a contract that doesn't allow children on board and she's never met her father. She's been raised in stations and ships, by tios and tias, by the Belt. Always moving, never looking back. The promise of a home being all too distant and yet always burning in her. Sixteen years old and thinking she finally found it, only to fall into a trap that she had to kill a part of herself to escape.

Those scars fade over the years but they never leave completely.

Long hauls become a solace but they're never home. She doesn't get attached to people or to places and she likes it that way. It's safer that way. Then, she understands a thing or two better about the way she was raised.

Wanting more is dangerous and she can't let that happen again. She fears the cost will be too much the second time around. But before she realizes it, she loses another home.

If you ask her, she wouldn't describe the Cant as her home, but after watching the first ship she allowed herself to stay longer than two hauls become unidentifiable debris, the loss feels entirely too familiar.

She also doesn't realize that it gives her another home. Her true home.

Naomi still can't trust it, no matter how right it feels. (Holden pulling her into an embrace when she's upset. Alex making her a cup of tea when she's too focused on a specific problem. Amos wordlessly working by her side to keep their home in one place.)

She nearly loses it. With her decision, their behavior, Clarissa's revenge, a missile sending them right into the Ring. She nearly loses it, because this time it has to be a home and not a cage. Because she was raised by the Belt and has blood in it, and that has to mean she has a place there too.

She tries everything to make sure this time, she has no regrets. And the only place she has in thirteen thousand systems is a stolen Martian warship.

The regrets catch up to her anyway.

Because she'd die for them and they'd die for her. Did die for her.

When she and Bobbie share a bottle of brandy, of her making, in the galley trading stories about Alex, and Claire helps her make a pot of red kibble, balancing the spices and saltiness between their tastes, she knows she is home.

One that changed, but is able to hold her changed version as well.

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Amos isn't looking for a home.

Amos isn't sure he knows what a home actually is. At least, in the full sense of the word, when people talked about it fondly. Home to him is the bunk he sleeps in. Doesn't matter the job, or the ship. Occasionally home is a well-run brothel in the station he has his shore leave.

If he has to guess, that last one is closer to what people talk about when they think of home. If anything, it is familiar.

He never goes looking for one. His focus had always been survival first and foremost.

But first came Naomi, and after the destruction of the Canterbury, Alex, and Holden. Three people that as time passes, he knows he'd do anything to protect. They aren't like him, but they care for him anyway. He doesn't always understand it but he doesn't argue.

Their journey isn't one without ups and downs. It's more like keeping a ship afloat. Parts come and go. People walk into their lives and leave. Some hold more importance like Prax, and others that are just passing, like Monica and Cohen. Things break apart and are glued back together. His relationship with Naomi rings close to that.

Alex always calls the Roci home, but he doesn't always believe it. The word family is a big word. He's not familiar with that either, it's easier to reject it all.

But as time passes again, he understands more and more how Alex is right. He's not a person that wants things. But little things pile up. The sound of Alex's music always brings a tingling feeling to him. Naomi's absence pulls at the cave in his chest. The faith and trust Cap has in him are unfamiliar. Bobbie always pulls him back at himself either by sparring or a word. Caring for Clarissa unlocks something in him. A realization of what home is and what he has already. Of what he wants her to have.

He's still not entirely sure about home, but one thing he's certain of is that he'd die to protect each and every one of them.

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Alex has a home.

Mars and his family and an honorably discharged career in the Navy. He's a model citizen. Did everything right for the good of Mars and what was expected of him.

None of it had been enough when everything pointed that it should be. He lives the greater part of his life as someone that wasn't entirely himself.

He'd flown ships since he was barely an adult, but in those twenty years it hadn't been the kind of flying he had always dreamt of. When his honorable discharge comes, his dreams of flying in battle, crash. And Mars' domes feel more suffocating than the ships he's worked on.

He doesn't fly but he flees to outer space with the excuse of finding a home job.

The first time he flies the Roci, everything he'd thought of as home pales in comparison. He'd be beyond happy just sitting in that chair for the rest of his life.

But that's not all there is. He finds his people too, and it's not Mars or a traditional family unit. It's placing stupid bets with Amos. Having Holden check up on him every time he stays a little too long at the cockpit. Cooking for all of them, his way to take care of them. Keeping contact with Bobbie because Mars might not have been for him but it still means something.

It's risking it all for Naomi. Because whatever she's been through, is certainly hell and he won't let her die all alone in a death trap.

It comes with a cost.

But he spent the greater part of his life not living. Dying for the people that gave him a life he actually loved... It's worth that last flight.

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Bobbie has Mars and the MMC.

It feels right. The kind of right you're supposed to do for your life. She's fighting for her planet. She has her team.

They end up being expendable and she's the only one that survives.

It flips her life upside down and she gets a view of the other side. Avasarala gives her a perspective she hadn't been able to see but she still doesn't give up on Mars. She gives everything to Mars.

Her team, her work, her morals, herself.

But as much as she's trying to hold onto it, Mars is dying. And the whole system goes to war. Grief put on a pause to do her job. The only job she's ever done. To be a soldier.

Turns out it involves a lot more politics than she likes, but it also sends her right into a former Martian ship.

It's not the first time they ship together, but this time, something is different. Everyone's grieving for one, but- that's not it. It feels permanent, when before it felt drifting. Mars is dying. She never had a place on Earth, anyway. (Even if she cares for people- a person, there.)

The ship is an option. Something martian, turned anew. After everything that happened, it might be home.

Despite the arguing, she comes to realize they already treat her like crew. Holden doesn't question her authority when she first comes on board, just listens to her tactical plan. Naomi isn't particularly warm, but she sits to explain every modification they'd done to the ship over the years when she takes over as pilot. Clarissa stays mostly in the shadows, but every time she stops Bobbie from trying to steal food while she's cooking, the playful bickering warms her. (As an apology, she sets the table.) And she's pretty sure Amos might've saved her life. He has her back that's for sure.

Alex... Alex's absence takes a while to get used to but she thinks he'd be happy she's here.

The drifting feeling fades. If she has a place in the system, it's right here.

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Clarissa feels like an outlier.

She had a house with riches most people could only dream of, but she didn't have a home. Not truly. Not with a functional family.

She ruined her life to prove the opposite. When love is absent from home, a child will try anything to gain it.

She's not proud of who she was or what she'd done, but she gets another chance anyway. She doesn't go looking for it, it's given and that might be the hardest part to accept.

But the thing is, she tried to destroy this family and their home. What right does she have to be a part of it?

The others don't question it as much as she does. Well, Naomi does, but she understands that. For the first month, every time they happened to cross paths, she sees the metallic hand she had on Naomi's throat.

So she puts her head down and does her job. Nothing will be out of place on the ship, nothing creaking or squeaking. It's the least she could do.

Somehow, they warm up to her little by little. Amos is obvious. He's the one that gave her the chance in the first. She'd chosen to reach out to him and some days it feels that's all it took. Holden does too rather quickly if you take into account that she tried to destroy and kill him. Still, he nearly falls trying to steady her whenever she stumbles. Even if she could never get hurt to the degree she tried to hurt him. Bobbie is easier. They don't have the same past, and a large part of it comes from being able to repair her Goliath suit after the Ring battle.

Naomi is last, but it's still more than she ever expected. She's apologized already, even if she knows that's not enough. It's early in the morning, still, when Naomi leans close to her to tell her it's nice she's not the only woman on board after Holden and Amos do something juvenile. It's on the border of a joke and telling the truth. She doesn't look into it any further.

It's more than her father would ever do for her. These people have been kind to her, kinder maybe than she deserves.

She'll cherish the fact they let her into their home until her last breath.

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"I'm home," Holden calls from the intercom as he enters the Roci with a duffel bag. 

It takes three seconds for Naomi's voice to cut through and give him the reply, "In the galley."

He should expect that they'd all be gathered in the same place with Naomi's reply, but seeing them all together in one place and chatting over their assortment of teas and coffee warms him up. 

Now, he's home and so are they. 

"Hey, Mr. President," Bobbie teases the moment she notices him stepping into the room. 

"Ex-President," Clarissa corrects and he smiles at her while he heads straight for the coffee machine.

How they have the energy to tease him after the multiple rounds of alcohol they had after his press conference the other night is beyond him. "Why am I the only one still nursing a hungover?"

He probably shouldn't have asked that because it's Amos that replies. "Because you're a lightweight."

Before he has time to flip him off, Naomi takes an interest in the bag.

"What's all that?" she asks. 

Oh. Right the bag. Regretfully he leaves his coffee on the counter, to rummage through it and pull out two uniforms. 

"It's for you," he says to Bobbie and Clarissa as he hands over the fabrics.

"You're telling Avasarala paid for these with that stunt you pulled the other day?" Bobbie asks with narrow eyes.

"I'd already ordered them, beforehand. And, they came from our cut, actually." He'd run it by Naomi and Amos, sometime between negotiations. As a way to make the officially crew. Amos was confused given how he was supposed to become President of the Transport Union but agreed, and Naomi who knew, thought it was a great idea.

After giving them some time to let it sink in, Holden sits next to Naomi and takes out the other object from the bag. A bottle of Ganymede gin. 

On any other occasion, they'd probably crack a joke about his hangover but Naomi and Amos know the true reason behind the bottle.

"I thought maybe we could all cook together some dinner," he begins explaining, "and have a toast to celebrate you joining us and..." but his voice falls short.

"Remember family that isn't here," Naomi continues off of his words and he squeezes her hand in return. Both as a thank you and for the price that has on her.

"Sure thing, Cap," Amos says loudly, clapping him on his back and taking some of the weight of the room.

He groans in return, placing his head on the table. "No Captain either," he huffs out, "I'm putting you all in change and not touching my hand terminal for the next three to five business days."

The room erupts into laughter and various forms of teasing in his way. As long as he hears them laughing, he'll take the gentle mocking.

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Later during the night cycle, they all still gather in the galley with the bottle. Trading stories, and emotions and being more open and intimate than they did in the months before. Outside the meals, another tradition is born.

It's not easy to grieve or heal. To find a way to move forward. But families change and sometimes they give their way to new wonderful things. It'll be alright, as long as they have each other.

Because they are home.

[a4g]

not to be personal but im once again realizing how i need ti start changing my life i cannot do this forever i know i have time but i am not fulfilled. i need a new job and meet people who are in similar circumstances (and not christian moms) and have a good support system so i can move out so i can transition and have meaningful relationships and not feel lile everyone i meet is being held at an arms length because anything closer makes me sick because i know they dont think of me the way i want to be seen. my need for socializing sometimes makes me feel more isolated. in collage im reminded by nearly every conversation of my role in life by sex. men will not talk to you if you are not a man. girls will be overly friendly and make uncomfortable assumptions and playinto sexism and misogyny causally. im still referred to as both she and he. and i dont say anything. i cant speak about myself everything has to be about work and nothing personal this bodyis a machine. i know some of this js just sexism but sexism always emphasizes dysphoria because sexism and transphobia play into eachother . andtbh if there wasnt sexism there wouldnt be transphobia cause then truely it wouldnt matter anymore if your a girl orboy or nonbinary gay ass but whatever. i have a penis