i guess i just need to talk it all out and try to make some sense of it. the GazettE are one of the most important bands in my life. they've brought me so many friends and so much happiness over the years. i was just 13 when i started listening to them and now i'm 27. they were such a huge part of my teenage years. they literally kept me going at some points of my life. their music saved my life.
i've always thought i'd get a chance to see them live one day - one of my biggest dreams was to experience flith in the beauty live at least once. and now i probably will never. and if i do, it won't be the same.
i can't believe reita is gone. just like that. he's gone. it feels like an old friend just passed away - someone i hadn't spoken to in years, but still thought of fondly. he was such a wonderful, talented human. i can't believe he's gone.
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my therapist: how are you feeling in the wake of your (autism spectrum disorder) diagnosis?
me: well it makes sense doesn’t it? i was the one who requested testing. like on some level i kind of figured.
my therapist: yes, i’m personally glad we pursued it because it helps me better understand parts of your behavior and how to accommodate you. but how do you feel about it? you said before that you were in heavy denial about the possibility when you were younger.
me: well yeah, i had a preconceived idea of what autism was that i know now wasn’t true. but at the time it was distressing and i didn’t want to think about it too hard.
my therapist: how was it different then? what was your idea of autism then?
me: it was, you know, severe developmental delay. i never thought i had developed abnormally at all, so to try and match up the severity i associated with autism and the way i viewed myself, i just couldn’t.
my therapist: but you did.
me: sorry?
my therapist: you did develop abnormally. both socially and academically.
me: socially yes, but i had no problems with academics. i always especially excelled at reading comprehension, more so than anyone else in my grade. i started lagging in high school but i think that was a lot of burnout and depression and ptsd, probably. i was incredibly smart. hell, i spoke in full sentences earlier than most of my peers.
my therapist: violette, that’s still abnormal development.
me: …huh?
my therapist: developing abnormally fast is still developing abnormally.
me:
me: oh.
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Being asexual and possibly aromantic but also being a huge shipper and hopeless romantic is such a wild experience ngl. I'm always freaking out about my favorite ships and giggling internally reading ship fics, getting invested in characters finally kissing or reading about their pining and their love and I think "I want what they have!!"
But then sometimes you have a slamming realization that your sweet shipping scenarios you imagine in your head look totally different irl and that you are extremely aspec.
One time I went down a YouTube rabbit hole and stumbled across Vsauce's "Why Do We Kiss?" video and let me tell you. When I saw that stock video footage of two people kissing each other I was a little flabbergasted lmaooo
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