#but until that happens I’m going to keep being gay (bisexual technically)

[insanechayne]

Next time you can just @ me sis ✌🏻💖

[juliandevorakshonkers]

As someone who only recently accepted being trans, despite technically knowing for probably more than 7 years now, here are some things that I blatantly ignored/avoided/denied that were obvious me being trans things!! A list compiled for your viewing pleasure.

For context I am 21 atm, and despite being all for trans people and coming out multiple times as things like nonbinary and gender fluid and then taking it back, I still for some reason refused to believe that I was trans until very recently it finally clicked and I was just like yea.. that’s me!

I always get super super jealous of trans men, especially ones who have had the affects of T start and or have had top surgery. I can’t think of any times I was genuinely that jealous of a woman other than when I was a kid and wanted to be thinner, but even then it was for the body size not shape or look (I’m plus size and always have been for reference)

I considered myself bisexual since I was like 11, but I’ve always felt that yes I obviously like women in a gay way, but I like men in a gay way too. I never could explain it but I was always like yea when I like a man it’s like how a man likes a man. This led to ALOT of dysphoria because I would have crushes on guys and would be so distraught that I wasn’t a man having a crush on a man.

Any man irl that I liked either was gay and I didn’t know till I asked him out, wasn’t gay at the time of me liking him but later came out as gay, or generally was very gay aligned but happened to be straight (for now, and no one believes that he’s actually straight) ((Also counting bisexual men in this)).

I hated my boobs from the moment I started to get them!!!! I’ve always had the opinion of I wish I could remove and reattach at will. I always thought that even if I found a reason to want to keep them for a moment, that removing them would still be the most ideal scenario. Like only exceptions were outfits that I thought would look worse on me if I didn’t have boobs and that was more of a societal image problem than a legitimate one because as I grew up I stopped thinking that way.

Whenever I felt the most like myself, I was dressed like a man, acted like a man, sometimes even treated like a man, and that is when I was happiest in the world. And when I would repress it I would be hyper feminine and although the outfits or makeup would look good, they just wouldn’t feel like me.

My name!! I have never felt at home in my name. I still somewhat use it right now because I’m working on a new one, so for now I just call myself Mac. But my name has never felt right to me, as a kid I felt wrong in it and as an adult I feel wrong in it. This is oddly the part my parents seem to have the most issue with atm, because they’re like “but… it’s your name??? That’s what ur called???” But I’m hoping they will follow through with my wishes and choose a new name for me someday :)

Anyways that’s all for now!! I’m sure there’s way more that I’ll realize over time, but I feel like this is already a pretty substantial list. I just wanna say that I love and appreciate all of you, and that I feel so at home with myself for the first time in a very long time. I’m working towards some goals, such as getting my first binder, and I’m hoping that eventually I will get to start T and get things going in that direction! Thank you for your time, MWUAH

[delightfuldevin]

Hellooooooo!! Can I bother you for some headcanons on the Koopalings? I've been thinking about them a lot recently gkjhkgsf. Personality, Likes/Dislikes, Orientation, Ages, Koopa Breed, where they came from; anything you got think thonks about them on pretty please!!

Hello hello!! Ask and yee shall receive! I’ve written out a lot of stuff about them for my lore fic, but I haven’t polished it yet so that’s why it hasn’t been published with the rest of the fic! Under a cut this time since there’s seven of them and thus, this is gonna be looong

I’ll start with orientations since it’s pride month and I can’t bring myself to draw yet ;^; (also ages cause I should probably figure those out eventually lol).

(Added some headers to separate this so it’s a bit easier to navigate!)

Genders, Orientations, and Ages

Larry (he) - binary trans boy; straight (at least 12, maybe 13?)

Morton (he) - cis; aro-spec polyamorous (14-ish?)

Wendy (she/fae) - trans demigirl/genderfae/Idk some kind of girl-but-not-girl gender hdchjsxbjchjsx; lesbian polyamorous (15 or 16)

Iggy (he/they/ze) - genderqueer; gay (16 perhaps?)

Roy (he/they) - agender; bisexual polyamorous (17 or 18)

Lemmy (any pronouns) - genderfluid; panromantic asexual (18-ish)

Ludwig (he) - cis; aroace (18-20 Idk hdbcdcsjab)

Species/Biology

In terms of species, they’re the same as Bowser, which I call Dragon-Koopas! They are typically larger and physically stronger than most other types of Koopas, and they’re capable of breathing fire and using magic, though the latter depends on how much magical potential they have. All the past rulers of the Koopa Kingdom have been Dragon-Koopas. There are Dragon-Koopa families who aren’t royalty, though many are nobility in some way. Biological features include:

spiked shells, which come in many colors, that are unable to be separated from the body (unlike regular Koopas, who can remove their shells)

the flame pipe, an internal organ that produces fire and keeps the fire from burning other organs

very large and sharp teeth (Dragon-Koopas’ diet is primarily meat)

longer tails (for balance)

hair (only a few other types of Koopas are capable of growing hair)

“giant form”, a defense mechanism developed during puberty which causes Dragon-Koopas to grow many times their size when they have been mortally wounded (can also be affected by mental state)

Sorry to go on a biology rant hdbcjjds. Moving on!

Origins

Larry, Wendy, and Ludwig are the only ones related by blood. All the Koopalings arrived at Bowser’s Castle at different times (though all during childhood, perhaps within a year or so?), and eventually came to see each other as siblings.

Ludwig’s parents worked in Bowser’s Castle. When Larry was around 3 years old, their parents (died? Disappeared? Not sure yet dhbcjxcb). Bowser took them under his wing (he didn’t officially adopt them yet) and named Ludwig his heir (Idk how royalty works irl so I’m not sure if he can technically do that, but oh well, this is the Koopa Kingdom and Bowser makes the rules lol).

Next to arrive were Roy and Morton. They were both orphans and met each other on the streets and became like brothers. Roy, being the hot-headed and impulsive child that he was, decided it would be a good idea to break into the king’s castle. When they were caught and Bowser was asked what to do with them, he put them on cleaning duty under the guide of the castle’s cleaning crew. Roy protested at first, but Morton convinced him to suck it up since he thought the king would do worse if they didn’t. Morton was always scared of Bowser and only started to warm up to him after Bowser Jr was born.

Next was Lemmy! He was part of a traveling circus and was left behind when the circus came to the capital. Wendy found him and brought him back to the castle to play with and convinced Bowser to let him stay.

Now, Iggy was the last to show up and it happened randomly without anyone even noticing until he was already settled in. Lemmy was the first to notice Iggy was in the castle, and they just played in his room most of the time. Most of the castle attendants had gotten used to seeing Dragon-Koopa kids running through the castle, so none of them thought it unusual when they would see Iggy around.

It was around this time that Bowser started referring to them collectively as the Koopalings cause he got tired of calling them individually whenever he needed more than a couple at a time. Back then, he didn’t keep track of them so he didn’t know how many there were in total. When he finally called them in to get a final count, there were seven of them and he didn’t question it. No one knows where Iggy came from, and he deflects the question whenever it’s brought up to him.

The Koopalings were officially adopted not that long before the, uh, “current” time for lack of a better term. Bowser Jr was actually very surprised, not because they were being adopted, but because they weren’t already. Like, they’ve been living with Bowser for longer than Jr’s even been alive, so he (understandably) thought they were already his siblings to begin with hbscjsbcjd. Thing is, everyone thought they were Bowser’s kids all this time and they practically were in principle; he just never made it official until very recently.

Extra

I have sooooo many headcanons on these guys, but for the sake of not making this post a mile long, I put 4 points for each. The rest will be added to my lore fic, so look out for that!!

Larry:

Very shy and afraid as a toddler so he stuck to Ludwig like glue since he’s his older brother; very outgoing and sociable now, and doesn’t even remember being shy lol

Loves to play games; video games, sports games, card games, board games. Anything so long as it’s a game

Hates losing so he cheats in almost everything; Morton is the only one who plays with him cause Mort’s the only one who doesn’t mind his cheating and won’t call him out on it

Despite his cheery demeanor, he has a rather short fuse and is easily angered

Morton:

Terrible at telling lies, but good at keeping secrets

Likes to bake; enjoys making cakes and cookies the most

He talks a lot. Like a lot. He’s shy around strangers, so one might think he’s the quiet type, but once he’s comfortable he will never stop talking

He is magically strong and physically strong too, making him the perfect balance amongst his siblings. However, he is known to take things overboard when it comes to his strengths, which makes him very unpredictable and dangerous in battle

Wendy:

Likes typically “girly” things like bows, make up, jewelry, and high heels, but not above violence to get what she wants

Known as “the scary one” amongst her siblings and many of the minions; the other Koopalings may not listen to Ludwig sometimes, but they all know to listen to Wendy

Her necklace can be used as a weapon like her rings; it’s a chain/whip

Gets into petty arguments with Roy a lot, usually over small things like which shade of pink is the best

Iggy:

Ambidextrous

Has a deep fascination with nature and all kinds of plants and animals

His Chain Chomp is named Horace

Does all of his experiments and inventing in his room and he’s accidentally destroyed it multiple times; stays in Lemmy’s room whenever his has to be rebuilt or fumigated

Roy:

The weakest Koopaling in terms of magic, and the strongest physically (though he and Morton are almost evenly matched); relies on brute force most of the time and doesn’t care about improving his magic

Has heterochromatic eyes (his right eye is dark purple and his left is bright blue)

Wears sunglasses because his eyes are extremely sensitive to light and it can be very painful; his sunglasses were magically created by Bowser

Has an exceptional sense of smell and hearing since he relied on those senses mainly before he got his glasses

Lemmy:

Used to have a very overactive flame pipe when he was younger (sometimes he would just be trying to talk and then all of a sudden a bunch of fire would come out); has better control over his flame pipe now and his is the strongest of his siblings (meaning he can breathe the most fire at once)

Enjoys dancing and abstract painting

Always on his rubber ball; he’s even been known to sleep on it (how he manages to stay balanced on it seems like magic in and of itself)

Naturally blonde; dyes the rest of his hair

Ludwig:

The strongest Koopaling in terms of magic; according to Kamek, with enough training, he could be the strongest Dragon-Koopa in modern history

He curses a lot, which is unexpected due to his somewhat princely personality

Considers himself the leader of the Koopalings; the others usually follow him, but sometimes they don’t cause they think he’s too bossy (he kinda is lol); trusts Wendy the most and puts her in charge when he can’t be

With Bowser Jr’s birth, he is no longer Bowser’s heir, but he has no animosity about it; rather, he’s decided that it’s his responsibility to make sure Jr grows into a proper king (kinda like he’s living vicariously through Jr lol)

Sorry if this isn’t coherent I really gotta put this stuff together properly for the lore fic dhbcjsnbdcsjs

[therealvinelle]

I agree that Aro definitely is not straight, but if he is gay and not bi, why window shop for a wife? If he wanted a partner for some reason, why not find a male one? It was a different era, yes, but are vampires really homophobic?

So, for this meta, we’ll have to get historical. Before we do, keep in mind that while I know Ancient Greece better than most, having studied it (introductory level classes only, mind), I don’t know it well enough to be any kind of authority on the matter. History, more than any other discipline I can think of, is not respected as an academic field, and people with poor to no understanding of historical hermeneutics will make very bold assumptions that they then have too poor understanding of history to realize are bullshit. This is a disclaimer because I don’t want to join in on the chorus of authoritative-sounding people on the internet with no verifiable credentials who spout things about history that are then taken to be gospel truth by readers because the author made it sound good.

More, I say this because your question is asking me to explain the morality and social norms surrounding a character from 14th century BC Greece. And this man would not, for the record have been Ancient Greek, he would have been Mycenaean Greek. Very quick history lesson: Mycenaean Greece was a flourishing society that suffered a downfall, Greek civilization fell into its very own dark ages, until around 800 BC when Greeks began forming what would become the Ancient Greece we know and love. This in turn means that I can’t very well read up on the marital and sexual norms of Ancient Greece when I’m researching for Aro, because he was five hundred years old already when Ancient Greece became a thing.

And your question concerns cultural history. And for that we’re going to have to look at how we know the things we know about history. How history is studied.

Historians have two kinds of sources: archeological findings and written records. (I’m aware that oral tradition, like the one carried by the Aborigine people, isn’t technically one of these, but to my understanding it’ll be treated to similar analysis as written records, which leaves us with the two types of sources standing strong.) These sources are analyzed, and we apply various theories and models onto them to make sense of the context they were written in. The more sources we have, the more we can refine or eliminate these theories or models.

More, history is an ever evolving field. There are movements and schools of thought that influence how history is written (marxism in history, that is, history as a class struggle, was heavy in the 60′s and I think until the 80′s), which means that how a certain culture will be perceived today is not the way it was perceived a few decades ago, nor will it be perceived the same way a few decades in the future.

You see why I am daunted by you asking me to give you an answer about sexual and marital norms for a guy who lived 3000 years ago, and I hope you’ll understand why I feel this word vomit is necessary.

Now, the danger with Mycenaean Greece is that it’s a society it’s easy to feel we know a lot about, because it was the precursor to Ancient Greece, and we know a lot about the latter. But, first of, the reason why we know as much as we do about the Ancient Greeks is the Romans. The Greeks wrote about their history, their philosophy, their government, and they wrote plays and told stories. However, that was two thousand years ago and their writings would have been lost to the sands of time if the Romans hadn’t idolized and sought to emulate their society. This meant preserving their written records. This tradition was carried on by the Christians, in part because Hellenistic philosophy was incorporated into Christian philosophy. We have neo-platonism to thank for Christian asceticism, the “mind over matter” cornerstone.

What I’m getting at with all of this is that we know the insane amount about Ancient Greece that we do because of some very unique circumstances, and so we can make very sophisticated theories about what the Hellenistic world was like. It’s still detective work, but not Pepe Silvia type of detective work. This is not the case for Mycenaean Greece. We know a comparative lot about Mycenaean Greece, considering how long ago it was, but there is very much we don’t know.

With Mycenaean Greece, we are dealing with a lot more uncertainty. We haven’t deciphered one of their two writing styles, and a lot of the text we do have is very fragmentary. Coming up with detailed societal models for Mycenaean Greece, and for the 14th century BC specifically, is... well I don’t know enough about what this society left behind to know what historians have to work with, but I imagine they have their work cut out.

More, I haven’t studied this at all, which means that any attempt on my end to research this would be stumbling around in the dark.

One example: the Illiad and the Odyssey, while composed around the 8th century BC, were set in the early 12th century BC, which is nearly Aro’s time period. The Illiad depicts a homoerotic relationship between Patroclus and Achilles, and both works depict a lot of matrimonies, so I wish I could use it as a source. However, not only would this time gap alone make these sources questionable, but there’s also the matter of the Illiad and the Odyssey being transmitted orally, from bard to bard. Changes were made over the years. For example, the technology described in the Illiad is from several eras, as the warriors will be using bronze weaponry in one book and then switch to iron in the next. This game of telephone is what happens when a story is transmitted orally from person to person. So, while it’s tempting to use these works as a sort of reference point, the possibility, likelihood even, that the bards made adjustments to keep the old story entertaining for their contemporary audience is strong.

For this reason, I can’t give you any kind of historically correct analysis on what the marital or sexual mores would have been like in Aro’s time. Even if the knowledge is out there, I don’t have it.

But I can say this, spouses have for the longest time been partners. Men and women got married, even in the gay, gay, Ancient Greece, not just to have children but because they complemented each other, they were partners. Men needs wives, and women needs husbands. And a partner was canonically exactly what Aro was looking for, feelings had nothing to do with it:

After Caius and Marcus had found their romantic attachments, Aro decided to find his own, although rather than finding his other half in another vampire Aro decided to create his own instead. Aro had a certain type of woman in mind and he found what he was looking for in Sulpicia. He successfully courted her and she came to fall in love with him.

As for vampires being homophobic, I think that is for another post about what culture they bring with them into their new life. But to be brief I’ll say that while the individual vampire can be homophobic, there can be no homophobia at an institutional level because vampires have no institutions. And it’s the institutional homophobia that gets ya. It’s what the whole fight for gay rights has been about: secure legislation against discrimination and that protects gay people. (The right to marry and protection from employees firing LGBT employees comes to mind as examples of this.)

So, no one could force Aro to marry a woman. 

And I’d go into a rant here about how the prospect of gay marriage, of even identifying as homosexual (the labels homosexual, bisexual, and heterosexual are very new and, to my recollection, were born off of the Western psychiatric discipline as men who slept with other men were diagnosed with homosexuality. I imagine a man from the Antiquity would be confused at the notion that just because he likes to sleep with dudes he shouldn’t get married to a woman), was unthinkable up until very recently, but I just made this obscenely long rant about how I can’t really make these kinds of guesses, so I’m not gonna.

I think being married to a woman and then banging hot dudes who came along suited Aro just fine.

Also, I can’t believe I’m doing this, but - I’m going to encourage history asks. Because this fandom has a bit of a history problem, as a lot of the characters are from different time periods and many feel unsatisfied with the way Meyer handled that. I am by no means a historian, but I know several of the historical periods the characters of Twilight are from well enough to make educated guesses.

So, hit me with your worst.

[spaceskam]

and as our lives change

Summary: Alex’s dad sold his childhood home without telling him, so Michael decides to do something about it.

Tags: sexual content (literally just the first scene), emotional hurt/comfort, friends with benefits, lack of communication

ao3

Michael watched as Alex’s head fell back, his jaw dropping as he caught his breath.

He swallowed hard, his eyes scanning over Alex’s body where it was perched on top of his in a way that felt like a renaissance painting. He was stunning. And Michael really, really didn’t know what to do about that realization. Or, he didn’t know what to do about the constant revelations he was having when it came to Alex.

Michael was straight and frustrated when this whole thing began. A weird string of events, mostly him whining and Alex being Alex, led to him getting a handjob from Alex on the couch in the apartment he shared with Max. There was no kissing or any kind of romantic shit afterward or during or before. Alex just politely went and washed his hands with a ‘will you be able to focus now?’ and they got back to their work. Michael was absolutely not able to focus.

The first time he was able to convince himself that it was just a thing between bros. No feelings, nothing weird, it was just clinical and casual. But Michael couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t stop having an entire crisis over it.

And yet, the next time he was alone with Alex in the apartment, he found himself with his hand between Alex’s thighs.

It kept happening and escalating. They didn’t talk about it or make rules or establish boundaries‒which was an admittedly bad thing‒but they seemed to both understand that they didn’t kiss, they didn’t do anything that could be perceived as romantic, and they didn’t acknowledge it. It did leave Michael to have his bisexual awakening through a series of borderline panic attacks followed by getting Alex to do whatever to clear his mind. He didn’t know if Alex knew exactly what he was clearing, but it didn’t matter.

Michael was 99.9% sure he wasn’t straight now and 87% sure he wasn’t just gay. Sometimes Alex would do something like stick his fingers inside him and order him to continue reciting his presentation without mistakes and he would consider the idea that maybe he actually was gay and the reason it didn’t feel like this with every girl he’d been with was because he was gay. But then he remembered that it didn’t feel like this with every girl he’d been with because he usually barely knew them.

He knew Alex.

He liked Alex.

It was just… a little confusing on what kind of like. Alex was his best friend and he didn’t want to screw that up. He was sure that if they just kept it like this, then they wouldn’t change anything and they could continue to just be best friends. But then he would find himself staring at Alex when there were other people around and it would make him question if things were actually still normal at all.

“Fuck, you’re getting better at that,” Alex said, pulling off of Michael with an objectively disgusting and yet still horribly enticing sound.

“Honestly, I feel like you did all the work,” Michael said. Alex huffed a laugh and cautiously got off the bed. Standing up, Alex looked even more like a work of art.

“Yeah, but the first few times I still did all the work and you were still lacking.”

“Hey!”

“Just being honest.”

Michael licked his lips and watched as Alex walked into the bathroom, leaving the door open as he found a rag with practiced ease. His back was muscular and still a bit flexed and Michael’s eyes followed it all the way down to his ass that was, admittedly, quite a mess and still just. There. For Michael to see. And to think he thought he was straight for so long.

They didn’t talk about things like that. Michael knew that was objectively bad, but it felt good. He liked Alex just taking over and doing what he wanted to him. It was just. A little confusing. Because they weren’t dating and this was something that very clearly had a time limit. Things would have to change eventually, just he didn’t know in what direction he wanted them to change in. Or what he was allowed to have them change in.

So he kept his eyes on Alex and watched as he cleaned himself off. When he looked over his shoulder, he caught Michael’s eye and grinned.

“I’m beginning to think you’ve got a staring problem,” Alex said, but then he had the audacity to stretch up. He brought himself to his toes and reached for the ceiling and let out a little moan as his shoulder popped. Michael’s head felt empty.

Alex washed the rag out and then came back to the bed, tossing it onto his stomach before he went to go find his clothes. Michael seemingly had to reboot his brain and couldn’t get himself to clean up until after Alex put his briefs back on.

Yes, things were weird and he didn’t quite understand how he got to this point, but he didn’t really want it to stop either. He wanted Alex to keep doing shit like this and smiling at him and maybe even kissing him if, you know, he felt like it. Michael would be lying if he didn’t think about kissing him more than he thought about sleeping with him.

“Okay, I hate to fuck and kick you out, but I’ve got plans,” Alex said once Michael was done and slowly trying to find his own clothes. That was enough to get Michael’s full attention.

“Plans? It’s already nighttime,” Michael pointed out. Alex just gave that little grin of his and shook his head.

“Sweet little innocent Michael.”

“I don’t think any of the shit we do qualifies as innocent,” Michael shot back. Alex smiled wider.

Michael wasn’t jealous. He didn’t even know what Alex was doing, how could he be jealous of something he didn’t even know anything about? He wasn’t. He just very much did not enjoy the idea of Alex going out with someone else after the sun had gone down. Not for any selfish reason, but for the fact that nothing good happened after the sun went down and he told Alex as much.

“What are you, my grandma?” Alex laughed. He double-checked that Michael had his jeans and boxers on before opening the door which was the real sign that this was actually over for the night.

Ianto, Alex’s kitten‒that technically wasn’t a kitten anymore but Michael would never stop calling him that‒strolled in like she owned the place. Michael grinned as he immediately came to rub against his leg. He didn’t have to look up to know Alex was rolling his eyes.

“Hi, baby,” Michael cooed, reaching down to scratch his head, “Your dad is kicking me out to do secret things.”

“Shut up,” Alex laughed, “I’m not kicking you out. If you wanna stay, you can, but I won’t be here.”

“What are you doing that’s so late, though?” Michael asked, looking up to him. Alex sighed as he pulled his shirt over his head.

“I’m just meeting someone,” Alex said. Something twisted in Michael’s gut as he stared at him. Someone.

“Like… a date?” Michael asked. Alex took a deep breath and Michael knew that it was true. He was seeing someone.

Which. Was fine. Michael just thought he had more time. More time to understand what the fuck he was feeling, more time to get good at it, more time for whatever. That was. Okay.

“I mean… Not quite. Just, you know, someone,” Alex said, shrugging and looking away.

The way he spoke about it was almost worse than if he just said that he was trying to date people. Before they started this whole thing, Alex had always been honest about who he was seeing. Michael had a ton of memories and texts of Alex telling him about guys he’d been with. They were friends. But things had changed.

“Okay,” Michael said, standing up and quickly putting on his shirt and grabbing his phone, “Then I’ll leave.”

“Well, don’t be mad,” Alex said. Michael closed his eyes for a moment and then set back into motion to look for his shoes.

“I’m not mad. I just don’t wanna hold you up,” Michael said. Since I clearly couldn’t satisfy you, he didn’t say.

He tried not to let his ego be too bruised. It happened. Alex was the first and only guy Michael had been with. Of course he would want someone more experienced.

“Michael,” Alex said, grabbing his arm. His eyebrows were furrowed and he looked a bit lost. “Do you wanna talk about this or something?”

“No,” Michael said simply. They didn’t talk about this. Talking about it now would make it weird.

He pulled out of Alex’s grasp and put his shoes on, giving Ianto a couple more pets before he headed for the door. Alex didn’t try to stop him and that was telling enough. Tomorrow, maybe, Michael would text him or talk to him and they’d go on as normal. It made him feel a little weird, though, thinking about Alex sleeping with other people and not telling him about it. Wasn’t that, like, a rule of casual relationships? You let people know? Was he getting tested?

It didn’t matter. They were friends. This was fine.

-

Michael waited a whole three days without texting Alex first.

He couldn’t say why exactly he was choosing to be pouty and just choosing to let Alex be the one to reach out, but he was and he wasn’t really having much of an internal fight about whether he should reach out or not. He was going to let Alex do that, even if he missed him, because he didn’t want to seem clingy. Well, that and he was a little bit irritated, but he could focus on the not wanting to be clingy thing and feel better about himself afterward.

It was probably normal to get weirdly attached to the first guy you sleep with whether there were romantic feelings or not. He didn’t want to be attached to Alex, at least not like that. He wanted to be friends with him. Friends who slept together sometimes.

Michael just wasn’t sure if he could keep that up much longer.

And yet, when it hit the three day mark, he was tossing and turning and bed and craving Alex in some capacity. They didn’t even have to hook up, he just needed his friend. They could watch movies or do homework or literally anything and they didn’t have to talk. They had never gone this long without at least a meme or two sent between them. Weirdness from the other day aside, this was particularly annoying.

Michael pulled out his phone and let his thumb hover over Alex’s contact. He just had to hit it and ask if Alex wanted to come over. He could do that. Easy. Just hit it.

“What are you doing?” Max asked, breaking Michael’s mental discussion. For the first time, he was a little bit thankful that Max had basically no boundaries when it came to Michael’s personal life. At least it provided a distraction.

“Thinking about inviting Alex over, if that’s okay,” Michael said, tossing his phone onto the couch as he stood up. He needed a break from looking at it anyway. Max nodded his head, looking through the contents of the refrigerator.

“Sure, if he wants to after everything,” Max said. Michael’s eyebrows tugged together.

“What do you mean, after everything?” he wondered, standing up a little bit straighter. Instantly, his brain started filling with thoughts of what could’ve happened, all of which were probably over the top and wrong because if it was something dire like Alex getting hurt, there was no way Max would know before him.

It didn’t stop his mind from racing.

“He didn’t tell you?” Max asked. Michael shook his head and Max shrugged, taking his sweet damn time. “Oh, well, Liz said that his dad apparently sold the house he grew up in back in Roswell without telling him. Got rid of all of his and his brother’s shit without telling them and it’s apparently sold. I don’t know, if I were him, I’d be upset.”

Michael started at the back of his head, momentarily unmoving. His first thought was if he threw out Alex’s mom’s things too or if he kept it. He thought about the closet door that had his height marked alongside his brothers that the four of them secretly kept up after their mom left. He thought about the things Alex always said he was going to go back and get whenever he got his own place in the future, the quiet little admissions Alex only made whenever he was either drunk or one of them did something particularly mindblowing in bed that left them both a little hazy afterward.

Without replying to Max, Michael grabbed his phone and went to go find his shoes. Finally, without hesitation, he called Alex and held the phone to his ear as he fumbled to slide on his shoes. It rang and rang and rang and Michael was pretty sure he wasn’t going to answer, but he still grabbed his keys and went out the door.

Right before it went to voicemail, Alex answered.

“Hello?” he said. His voice was a little flat but otherwise didn’t give anything away about how he was feeling.

“Hey, how are you?” Michael wondered, stepping into his truck and pulling the door closed. He started it up and quickly put on his seatbelt.

“Fine,” Alex said. It didn’t count as an actual response because it was Alex and ‘fine’ didn’t actually mean anything. He’d said he was fine while having a panic attack in the library while trying to write an essay on some dumb book that touched on one too many heavy topics for the both of them.

“Okay, are you at your apartment? Is your roommate there?” Michael asked, backing up probably a little too fast but who cares. He didn’t hit anyone.

“I’m here, but Chris isn’t. Why?” Alex said, skepticism still lingering in his voice.

“I heard about your house,” Michael said. Alex stayed quiet. “Look, have the new people started moving in yet?”

“No,” Alex said softly, “Flint said they close tomorrow at two.”

“Okay. Next question, how do you feel about trespassing?”

-

Michael could feel Alex’s eyes on him as he moved about his kitchen, throwing shit together to make him something better than plain packaged ramen. He was blowing time, waiting for the sun to fall.

“We don’t actually have to,” Alex said. He was in a sweater and sweatpants and his hair was all tousled. Michael could only look at him for a few seconds at a time or he’d lose his mind over how cute he was. So, so not straight. “It’s over an hour away and illegal and we don’t have to.”

“If they haven’t sold it yet, I don’t think it’s illegal and I’m not going to google it because it’s much better if I just say it very convincingly,” Michael insisted, taking a spice bottle out of the cabinet that had the label removed and sniffing it. He coughed a few times, but it smelled like it was probably garlic powder so he threw it into the saucepan.

Ianto was rubbing against Michael’s legs, meowing away at the serious offense that he was taking due to Michael not giving him his full attention. He kept lifting his foot to stroke his back, but that was only so satisfying to a bratty little kitten.

When Michael looked at Alex, he looked like he was about to cry. His eyebrows were drawn together and his eyes were all glassy and he was all but pouting. Michael quickly moved the saucepan to another burner before turning around completely and reaching over the sink to get to Alex’s face since he was sitting at the counter. He held his face between both hands and looked him very seriously in the eye, something he’d do all the time when they were just friends before they made it weird between them.

“Hey, don’t cry, we’re going to see if there’s anything left,” Michael said, squishing his cheeks just a little bit. Alex huffed a laugh and pushed him off carefully.

“I’m not gonna cry and I’m sure as hell not gonna cry over that. My dad’s an asshole, but I should’ve expected him to do something like this,” Alex said. Michael pinched and prodded his cheeks for an extra second for emphasis until he got Alex to smile as he twisted out of his grasp. “Michael.”

“Stop looking so sad then,” Michael said, going back to cooking.

They haven’t mentioned the other day. Michael had no plans to be the one to bring it up.

“I’m fine,” Alex said, “I just hate him.”

“I’ll beat him up for you,” Michael offered before lifting the spoon to his lips. It tasted good enough.

Michael filled a bowl with slightly under-cooked noodles because Alex was fucking weird and spooned his makeshift sauce onto it. He stuck a fork into it and turned around to present it to Alex, giving him a smile. Alex was already giving him that look, the really sweet one he really only gave him out of nowhere and Michael had yet to really pinpoint what caused it.

Still, he liked being looked at like that.

“Thank you,” Alex said, accepting the plate, “You’re a good friend.”

Friend.

“No problem.”

-

Michael had only been to Alex’s childhood home twice and he had never been inside.

Both times were during their freshman year, while Alex was living in a dorm still and needed to go home every once in a while to get clothes or whatever. Michael had driven him and gotten to know him super well in those long car rides together and had also gotten very used to comfortable silences with him.

Now, Alex sat in the passenger seat and had his head against the window. His eyes were closed and he was so very clearly sad. Michael hated seeing him that way. He didn’t know how to fix it. Especially since this situation wasn’t something he could really fix.

“So,” Michael said, trying to lighten the mood, “How was your date?”

Alex was quiet for a moment before he huffed and tilted his head in Michael’s direction. Michael kept his eyes forward after that.

“Seriously?” Alex asked. Michael shrugged. “Now you wanna talk about it?”

“I’m not trying to have a formal talk, just making conversation. You used to tell me about your dates all the time,” Michael said. Before we started hooking up, he didn’t say.

Alex didn’t say anything for a small stretch of time before he eventually said, “It wasn’t a date, I was going to meet up with Kyle but I knew you’d freak out if we were speaking again, so I didn’t say anything.”

Michael felt a rush of emotions at that, blinking a few times as he processed it.

“As in… Valenti?”

“Yeah,” Alex confirmed. Michael couldn’t help the look of disgust that found his face. “Exactly why I didn’t tell you.”

“Nah, it’s fine, whatever, I’m not your boss,” Michael said, trying to seem like he didn’t care. There was no reason to care. Alex wasn’t his property.

“Right.”

“I was just asking.”

“And even if it was a date, it’s none of your business,” Alex said, though it had admittedly less of a bite than it sounded like he intended. 

“Absolutely not.”

“Just because we’re, like, hook‒”

“Do I turn left or right up here?” Michael asked, cutting him off. He didn’t want to talk about this. They didn’t talk about it. That would fuck everything up, that would force Michael to think too hard about something he probably already thought too hard about and he just simply wasn’t interested.

Alex took a deep breath and grumbled a ‘right’.

So Michael took a right.

He drove through the middle-class neighborhood, full of white people who had pools in their backyards and fences and an HOA that would probably make Michael cringe if he looked at the rules. Without much thought, he pulled into the little park that was in the middle of the neighborhood and parked his truck. Alex looked at him with a bit of skepticism.

“If I park in the driveway, it’s gonna be kinda obvious that someone is there,” Michael pointed out.

“Okay,” Alex agreed, stepping out of the truck.

The two of them walked side-by-side in the dark, only lit by streetlights. It was entirely possible there was some kind of neighborhood watch or maybe kids coming home from a date or people taking a late-night run, someone that would see them, but Michael didn’t see anything and decided to just act normal.

“It’s up here,” Alex said, voice soft. Whether that was because of the time of night or because of the fact he was seeing his house again, Michael wasn’t sure.

“Do you have a key still?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know if it’ll work.”

“Can’t hurt to try. Besides, if they haven’t officially closed on it yet, there’s probably a key under a mat somewhere or something,” Michael said. Alex nodded.

As they got closer, Alex didn’t say a single word. They went around back through the unlocked gate and he pulled out his keys, hands shaking a bit as he went to try it. Michael put his hand on the small of his back as a silent way to show his support.

The key fit in and turned with ease.

Alex let out a soft breath as he pushed the door open, blinking as he stared inside. Michael watched his face and waited for him to make the first move. This was for Alex. Michael very specifically chose not to think about why he was willing to go so far for Alex, possibly break the law.

Alex swallowed hard and took a step inside. Michael followed suit.

He stayed quiet as Alex navigated the empty house. There were no pictures or anything furniture left, just a dishwasher and an over and an empty space where a refrigerator was meant to go. Alex dragged his fingers over the countertop and slowly walked into the living area. That was even more empty, the space looking small without anything to fill it.

“The couch that was here had, like, three bloodstains from Clay because he had nosebleeds a lot,” Alex said, gesturing to the area it once was, “I think one of the stains might’ve been mine.”

“We can make new stains,” Michael offered. Alex physically cringed, his nose scrunching up, and laughed softly.

“You’re so fucking gross,” Alex said despite the sweetness of his tone.

“I meant innocent stains, like nosebleeds,” Michael insisted, raising his hands up. Alex rolled his eyes as a smile found his face, holding out his hand.

“Come on, let me show you upstairs.”

Michael accepted his hand and let him lead the way.

The stairs were simple and the hallway was small, jutting out in two different directions from the top of the staircase. It was all only lit by the moon and street lights shining through the window at the end of the hall. Alex tugged on his hand, pulling him to the left that led to two doors. He opened one without hesitation, tugging Michael inside.

The walls were painted an off-white color and the carpet was beige, perfectly standard. Nothing stood out except for the way Alex was holding his breath. Michael squeezed his hand and stepped closer.

“This was your room?” Michael asked. Alex swallowed and nodded, looking in Michael’s direction. Alex looked over his face before they locked eyes, taking a moment to just stare. He looked pretty like this. “Tell me what it looked like.”

“Okay, so,” Alex whispered, still not letting go of his hand as he took him to the far corner, “This is where my desk was. I wrote all my cringey poetry there. Had my first kiss while sitting there.”

“You did? That’s so cute,” Michael cooed, imagining a flustered, teenage Alex after getting his first kiss against his desk.

He knew Alex was actually upset when he didn’t shove him or tell him to shut up. Instead, he just pulled him to another space.

“My dresser was here. I hid shit in my folded pants to try to keep them from my dad,” Alex said, then tugged him a little further, “And my bed was here.”

“Did you do anything fun in that bed?” Michael teased. Alex didn’t bother laughing as he sat on the ground, laying down where his bed would’ve been. Michael laid beside him. “Are you okay?”

“I never wanted to come back here,” Alex whispered. Michael held his breath. “I hate my dad. I hate this place. But… he couldn’t even let me have even the shit I did want. Like, I have my mom’s guitar and, and stuff I use, but the dumb stuff.”

“I get it,” Michael said. And he did, kind of, one some level. Bouncing around and living in  group homes didn’t really present the best opportunity to accumulate dumb stuff, but he cherished the shit he did have.

Alex rolled onto his side and stared at him. Michael stared back. It was completely not the time for it, but Michael wanted to kiss him. Just once, really quick. Just to see what it felt like.

The room was silent as Alex reached across to him, touching his shoulder gently and gliding his fingertips across his neck. Michael watched him closely and waited to see what he was going to do. He didn’t move as Alex touched his jaw or his hair, didn’t flinch when he traced over his ear and his nose, didn’t breathe when he touched his lips.

“Thank you for coming here with me,” Alex whispered, “ I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. What are friends for?” Michael responded. Alex’s eyes flickered between meeting his gaze and going down to another part of his face, wasting a few seconds before he parted his lips to speak again.

“That’s what we are? Just friends?” Alex clarified, “Even after‒”

“When did you want to head back?” Michael asked, really not wanting to ruin the mood by thinking about things. About specifics. About himself.

But unlike every other time he deflected, Alex snatched his hand away from him like he’d been burned. He’d physically moved back a bit and hurt was openly displayed on his face in a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen. Micheal was a little speechless.

“Why do you always do that?” Alex asked quietly, “Why do you never want to talk about it? Are you that ashamed of what we do? If you are, I don’t think I can do this anymore. It doesn’t feel good.”

“What? No, Alex, I’m not ashamed,” Michael insisted. And he wasn’t. Overwhelmed was a much better word. “It-It’s just new and I don’t know how to really process what I’m feeling and I don’t want to push it.”

“That’s when you’re supposed to talk. Talking keeps people on the same page and makes things easier. So talk to me. Tell me what you want, tell me boundaries, tell me something. Fucking talk to me,” Alex snapped. Michael blinked, eyes wide as he looked at him.

And for the first time probably ever, his mind went blank.

Every thought and idea he’d ever had regarding Alex Manes went flying out of his mind. He couldn’t think of anything he wanted or any boundaries or literally anything. All he could do was stare. Even as Alex visibly got upset, even as Alex sat up and put his hands behind his head and effectively shielded Michael from seeing his face.

“I’m sorry,” Michael said, the only thing that could come to his mind, and debatably the wrong thing.

Alex gripped his hair in his hands tighter.

“You don’t have to like me like that. I don’t care either way. But you not telling me what you want is going to drive me insane. If you just want to be friends or if you just want to keep hooking up, that’s fine, but fucking talk to me!”

Michael opened his mouth to find something to say, literally anything, but instead, he heard a noise.

“What was that?” he whispered. Alex furrowed his eyebrows as he lifted his head. Another sound came, like a door opening.

“Oh, I can’t believe leaving it unlocked worked!” a voice said from downstairs, the emptiness of the house carrying it to their ears. Michael and Alex shared equally panicked looks.

“Well, it is our house,” the other voice said.

“Closet,” Alex hissed and they both quickly and quietly scrambled into the closet, closing the door behind them.

It was small and definitely not a walk-in, but they were able to press on opposite sides of the tiny space and not have to worry about touching. They both stayed as silent as possible, listening to the couple downstairs. Thank fuck he didn’t park his truck in the driveway.

But then the couple wasn’t downstairs, they were running upstairs and laughing and going to the other rooms across the hall. It would’ve been cute and charming if Michael wasn’t scared he was about to get caught and arrested for trespassing. But, considering they didn’t technically own it yet, didn’t they technically count as trespassing as well?

It was hard to really see Alex because of the dark, but, if he focused, he could sort of see his silhouette. He was probably still angry at Michael. Maybe he deserved it. Seriously, how ironic was it that they were stuck in a closet? Maybe they really should talk.

However, that only held his focus for so long when the door to Alex’s bedroom opened. Michael held his breath, listening and hoping they didn’t open the closet door.

“We’re gonna put the crib here,” the woman said as she stepped into Alex’s room, “And we’re going to paint the walls something more fun than this. Like, a purple, maybe.”

Michael kept his eyes locked on Alex’s body in the dark, trying to gauge the body language he couldn’t fucking see. He tentatively reached out, but he only felt air as if Alex had pressed himself so far into the opposite wall that he was trying to become a part of it.

“It’s gonna be perfect,” the man said, a rustle of clothing following his voice, “Our own house, our own little family.”

The woman laughed and the sound of kissing filled the room, loud and happy.

“New, happy memories. Especially once the baby comes,” she said, her voice warm and content. They kissed more, laughing and touching, and, god, this was too much of an invasion of privacy.

But all Michael could think of was Alex.

It probably wasn’t the best thing to be listening to how happy these strangers would be in the house that you found so miserable. A happy, young family, no less. Even Michael felt kind of cynical and jealous about it, though he often did when he saw loving parents.

Michael carefully pushed off the wall and took a silent step forward, hoping not to make any noise as the couple kissed and distracted themselves. He touched Alex’s waist and patted his way up to his face. Alex’s lips were folded in and his cheeks were wet, his breathing dangerously controlled. It was more than a little heartbreaking.

He took a step closer, wrapping his arms around Alex as quietly and slowly as possible so Alex could do something if he didn’t want him to touch him. He’d understand if he didn’t. But Alex didn’t push him away, instead letting his face fall into the crook of Michael’s neck. Michael put his hand on the back of his head and kept his arm around him, keeping him safe. Alex’s fingers clutched his shirt.

And, at that moment, he realized that he never wanted to stop doing that. He really, sincerely, wished to stay right there forever.

“Okay, okay, we should go finish packing,” the woman said and Michael really wished they would go. He weaved his fingers into Alex’s hair and held him a little tighter. 

“One more kiss,” the man said. They laughed and shared another kiss or two before they eventually left the room.

Michael held onto Alex and they stayed silent until they heard the footsteps go down the stairs and out the door. It echoed through the empty house as it closed. Only then did Alex give a small sniffle and took a heavy breath, clutching Michael tighter.

“I’ve got you,” Michael whispered, closing his eyes as he held him, “I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”

They stayed there until Alex stopped crying, until he got his breathing under control, and Michael held him. He took the time to let his thoughts come to him, trying not to overthink anything and just let himself feel. What did he want? What kind of relationship with Alex did he want? What felt right?

And for once that answer came easy.

-

“I don’t want to be just friends.”

“Oh yeah? Took you that long to come to that conclusion?”

Michael rolled his eyes and scooted closer even though there wasn’t much space to eliminate. The drive back Alex’s apartment from his old house had been utterly silent, but Alex had stayed tucked into Michael’s side as if he was meant to be right there. All it did was confirm to him even more what he wanted.

They got into his apartment and Michael didn’t want to leave him alone. Alex, thankfully, didn’t want to be left alone. He was so clearly exhausted and they had pretty much immediately crawled into bed, laying as close as possible and fully clothed. Ianto, the brat he was, had happily decided to lay against his back which had Michael pinned between the cat and Alex.

Michael never wanted to leave.

“No, I’ve known that but that’s scary,” Michael said, shrugging, “And I wasn’t sure if it was just because of the sex or not.”

“Are you sure now?” Alex asked. His eyes were still a little puffy and Michael just adored him.

“I think so,” Michael said, “I know I never want to not be holding you when you’re sad.”

Alex huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes, but he nudged his nose into Michael’s.

“I want to talk,” Michael continued, “Which is… terrifying, but I want to. ‘Cause I was kinda mad when I thought you were sleeping with other people. I want to be the only person you’re sleeping with. So, I want to talk and I want to set boundaries. I want… I want to be gross and happy like that stupid couple that broke in.”

Alex smiled slightly, his fingers slipping beneath Michael’s shirt just to rest against his bare skin.

“Okay,” Alex said, “In the morning?”

“Obviously. You need cuddles and sleep right now,” Michael insisted. Alex rolled his eyes again, but he moved forward to lay his head on Michael’s chest. It was a little strange because they’d never actually cuddled like this before.

What the hell had he been wasting all this time for?

“And in the morning,” Michael added, wrapping his arms around Alex, “I’m going to kiss the shit out of you. Like it’s gonna be the best kiss you’ve ever had. I’m gonna blow you away. If you want, I mean.”

Alex laughed, a genuine laugh that Michael hadn’t heard in far too many days. That was a good thing.

“I want it. I can’t wait.”

Neither could Michael.

[centuriantalevevo]

Draco x Nonbinary Reader

Reader is AMAB, also this contains my headcanons lmao- hella OOC because of that (one of my headcanons, Draco has like.. multiple cousins who are basically on crack /j)

TW: transphobia and enbyphobia, with talk of biphobia. LGBTphobia in general. Misgendering

    5th year is.. Hectic.. Especially for a certain kid, Y/N L/N, who had to deal with a literal pink toad this year. Like.. ew? What made it worse, was they seemed to be the only kid in the school, well Slytherin specifically, that was… Different. Not in the normal, cliche sense, where ‘oh Y/N was drop dead gorgeous but abused by everyone around her, she can sing amazing-’, no. This isn’t your typical x Reader story, Y/N was different in the sense of Identity, Gender, specifically Gender Norms. They seemed to be all alone on this feeling, a feeling of discomfort, a feeling of loneliness despite multiple friends being in the room with them at this moment. They were away from earth, where no words can hurt. Where the erasure cannot get to them.

Oh god did the words hurt.

Oh? What words? You’re about to find out.

    “No, but did you hear some of the bullshit Umbridge was saying?” He asked, he as in the blonde. Draco. Draco Malfoy. “Especially to my cousin-” “You have a cousin?” Pansy asked, “Welcome to the conversation, first time speaking to me?- Yes, you are hella late to the conversation.” Draco groaned, “Now let me get back to the story” “Continue, which cousin? Darla?- Dominic?-” Blaise asked, “No, Jamie..” He responded quickly, “Oh hold on, what did the toad do to Jamie? I swear, if she hURT THAT PRECIOUS CHILD- Gryffindor or not, I love that girl to death” Blaise said quickly, interrupting Draco.

The blonde sighed deeply, “Blaise.. I love you to death but holy shit let me finnish, alright..” He took a breather, Y/N came back from their little world, queuing into the conversation. “Okay, so Umbridge had the AUDACITY to misgender MY COUSIN OVER AND OVER again! Misgendered her, invalidated her, you know that rule about like.. Something distance from the opposite gender? Yeah she’s forcing Jamie, a literal girl, to distance from girls and not guys-” He halted for a second, “No, my bad.. She’s forcing Jamie to stay away from both because she believe that Jamie is gay.. No, Jamie is a whole straight girl..” Draco ranted, “um.. Sorry to interrupt but… Jamie’s a girl? So how was she invalidated?” Y/N asked, tilting their head, Draco’s eyes moved to them, softening some.

    “Oh, you didn’t know? I thought everyone knew. Jamie is trans, she’s a trans girl specifically”

THERE! THERE IT WAS! They weren’t alone now.. There was someone who understood, yet they’d been clueless this whole time.

“I swear I will jack that woman UP” Blaise said lowly and Draco nodded in agreement. “Jamie was CRYING when she came to me, she could barely speak. That poor girl passed out from crying so much. She felt so hurt and the amount of dysphoria she felt was astronomically high.” He sighed, even he wanted to cry. “Like, damn bitch you didn’t have to out yourself as a whole LGBTphobe, you could’ve just stayed quiet and it would cost you nothing yet you chose to mess with a child who is related to the MALFOY family, very smart yes mhmm..” He growled in aggravation “Only merlin knows what she’d do if there was a nonbinary in the school, she’s probably dehumanize them.” He shook his head.

    “I’d commit a hate crime if I’m honest” Dominic said, coming from the stairs of the boys dormitory, “The LGBT had their way for a moment because she hadn’t thought about the gays, bisexuals and lesbians. Well.. the gays and lesbians, I don’t think she thinks Bisexuals exist..” He hummed, “She’s enforced the rule so now Darla can’t be near Daphne, luckily I don’t have a boyfriend.. The one time being single is a good thing.” Dominic dramatically cried.

“I will prove bisexuals exist, damn seems like I gotta stay away from ALL of you, sorry” Draco jokes, but was dead serious at the same time. “Until then, if there are nonbinaries in the school, technically they can by-pass the rules, if they present as masculine one day feminine the next. Or just androgynous to confuse the toad.” Draco then added, “I think I have to stay away from you guys too, shit Bisexuals can’t do ANYTHING” Blaise said, pretending to get up and leave.

So.. the students know of the nonbinary gender…

“Although, no surprise, Snape is always the decent one, along with all the other professors, and respect the trans kids pronouns, I’ve gone into his class to give him something during one of his lessons and heard him deliberately calling out kids that misgendered Jamie, it was amazing. And everyone says Snape is a bad teacher.” Draco says, smiling some at the memory. “Ooo! Speaking of which! While in Umbrdige’s class I think.. A few days ago, Snape actually found out about the incident and told her the fuck off for it-” “Damn, snape really said ‘trans rights are human rights’, go off honestly” Dominic interrupted, Draco nodded “The best look honestly, it was pure bliss watching that.” He responded.

Y/N finally managed to form words. “I.. didn’t know there was a trans person in the school.. A fellow trans person..” They said, mumbling the last part quietly, but Draco, Dominic, and Blaise caught it. “Fellow trans person?” Blaise tilted his head, and Draco glanced knowingly, the last part of their sentence was all he needed. They shook their head quickly, “Nothing” They shrugged, “Just nice to know”

It hurt, to be misgendered everyday, to be fair no one knew they were misgendering the kid. But they were so scared of being erased, discriminated against, that they said nothing. Since 1st year, pretty much.

They stretched some, “I'm gonna head to the library, I need to get studying done for Defense Against the Dark Arts, I’ll talk to you guys later.” They smiled, getting up, and grabbing paper, a quill, ink and their books from their dorm. Speed walking out, though it didn’t take long to hear a second pair of footsteps racing after them. Who the-

    “Hey, Y/N..” Draco trailed of, catching up to them quickly, “What’s up?” They looked at him from the corner of their eye, “There’s something you never told anyone, isn’t there?” He asked. Y/N averted their eyes and shook their head, “Nn… No..?” They sounded unsure, “Is that a statement, or a question because you don’t know?” He asked. He didn’t wanna be rude, but this was the only way he could truly confirm. If there was someone he had been accidentally misgendering, he wanted to stop that quickly.

    “I don’t wanna sound rude, nor put you on the spot.. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but.. What are your pronouns?” he asked, he knew of the nonbinaries, he knew of them.. So it’s fine to tell him, yes? He was basically defending them. They shook their head, not ready yet. “Not ready? That’s fine, I can respect that. You can always tell me, you know that right? I’ll understand. And if not me, then Jamie will.” heHe had sincerity in his voice, Y/N simply nodded. “Noted, thanks Draco..” They smiled and headed to the Library.

    The next day, Defense Against the Dark Arts was boring as ever, all because of Umbridge. But she had a new lesson today, not the normal one though. She had been doing her usual bullying of Jamie, Draco had been on edge and heard about it earlier, fairly quickly too. It was like it was her MISSION to be an LGBTphobic idiot with no life. Jamie had mentioned nonbinaries before she dipped from class, arguing about trans in general with the woman, or.. Monster.. Both terms work. So she was now here, in front of kids, spewing out enbyphobic shit, and not planning on stopping.. Y/N was starting to cry, but tried their best to hold it in.

The first person to notice the distress was Draco, Hermione did too, as she sat behind Y/N but could see them jolting some, “These.. Non-binaries, are less than human. You’re either a boy, or a girl. Everyone agrees, yes? If you are born a girl, you’re a girl. If you’re born a boy, you’re a boy. It’s a mental disorder, and you need to be fixed-” “They’re normal.. They just happen to not feel like a guy or a girl..” Y/N said quietly, “Trans folk are human, they aren’t an it.. That’s incredibly hurtful..” They said, it took all their strength to keep their voice from cracking.

“What was that Mr. L/N?” Umbridge smiled that sweet yet disgusting smile, tilting her head.. No, that smile had more dangerous intent behind that. They flinched. “Is there something you would like to say sir?” She asked, stopping in front of them. “Trans people.. Are people.. Just because you’re too ignorant to learn doesn’t.. M..mean you- b-bring someone down b-beca-use of it..” Their voice started to crack, they hiccuped some. “I’m sorry.. Do you think you have more knowledge than me?” She asked, her tone was dangerous. “Y..yes. Clearly, I’ve d-done my research on this, th-there is science tha-at defends us” They said.

“Detention Mr. L/N.. For talking back to a teacher, when I am giving a lesson you are to listen, you’re too caught up in whatever freak show you tra-” Umbridge was cut off, “Don’t you DARE finish that damn sentence, I can promise you I am not against hitting a teacher and a woman at that.” Draco intervened, “There is a lot of science that backs transgenders up, plenty of brain science has shown there is a female and male brain, that’s what backs up trans girls and trans boys, the nonbinary is still being researched, but I can assure you it is much more than a mental illness. Yes, dysphoria is a disorder, it CAN be treated, it can be treated with Hormone Replacement Therapy, or HRT. It can be treated with transitioning. Some nonbinaries transition, some don’t feel dysphoric enough to transition, but at the end of the day they are still a they, I am still a he, and you are still a she. Just imagine if someone called you ‘he’, or even ‘it’ because they didn’t believe you were actually a girl-” “DETENTION, for BOTH of you.” Umbridge screamed, glaring daggers at both of them.

    “I’d take detention over hearing another second of the erasure, you’ve hurt my cousin enough, I’ll gladly take the blow for her. I thought Snape would’ve taught you.” Draco muttered, staring at her, “Both of you, leave. Now.” She said with a huff, Draco grabbed his things, but stopped Y/N when they tried to collect theirs, getting it for them, “Come on.” He said softly, leaving the classroom with the student.

He handed their things to them gently, “I.. Noticed you got really upset..” He said softly, “More like panicked..” They said softly, “It’s easier said than done, but try not to let her get to you. Some people just choose to stay stupid. Sometimes even I hurt from some of the shit she says. Damn the amount of biphobia I have heard from her is ungodly.” He sighed, “You’re bi?” They asked curiously, “Yeah, I thought it was obvious by now. I kinda stopped caring at like.. 2nd year, hell I made out with.. A lot of guys in 2nd and 3rd year, mostly to piss my father off because he’s also LGBTphobic, but also just because it’s fun, and guys are cute.” He said with a small grin, they laughed. “Fair enough, do what you can to piss the oppressors off” They joked, drying their eyes. He turned to head to the Slytherin Common Room, when their voice ringed out again.

“They/Them..” Y/N said, he turned around and tilted his head, “You asked what my pronouns are.. I use they/them. I’m nonbinary” They said softly, and Draco smiled with a nod. “Is there a different name you want to be called?” But they shook their head, “The name I introduced myself as is the name I want to use.” Y/N said, “Alright, come on. Lets go to the common room” Draco said, “I can probably try and get Jamie in there too..” He hummed softly.

    Later that day, it was after dinner, and all the Slytherins were in the common room. Aside from Draco and Y/N, “Do you want to tell them? Most of them are accepting, aside from a few exceptions, Pansy surprisingly is accepting.” He said quietly, and thought for a moment.. “Blaise told me a few of the kids got told off because they agreed with us.” He added, “I think.. I was always scared to say anything because I didn’t wanna be made fun of.. I didn’t know there was someone who was trans like me til you talked about what happened with Jamie..” They said, “Well, you’re safe here. Hell, I’m more than 110% sure that our headmaster is gay, so.. Do with what you will on that information” He said with a small lighthearted laugh, Draco kissed their cheek with a small hum “It’ll be okay.”

They’d chosen to tell them, they didn’t want to feel misgendered any longer, Umbridge aside. “Oi, everyone shut your trap for a second, I have something to say- THEO… Thank you” He said, after staring down Theodore for a moment. “Let us reintroduce someone, but properly this time. This is Y/N, they’re nonbinary, use they/them pronouns and the moment I hear any of you say something against that, I will personally come for you, with Jamie in tow.” Draco said, Y/N smiling a little with a small wave. “Could’ve told us sooner, but glad you did, especially after Professor Umbridge, good job” Blaise said.

    Even Pansy was accepting, they were all proud that you had the courage to say come out, and also that you said something to Umbridge.

This was fine, everything is fine. Umbridge wasn’t fine, but.. This was nice, being accepted as who you are, by people who you’d think would be the last people to ever accept you. The person you thought would be the last person to accept you ended up being the most accepting, which is ironic when you consider his dad. 

This was bad 😭

[feeling--pink]

Hello and welcome to I redid my age up designs because I wanted to and so I did!!!!!!!!!! :D

uhhhhhhhhh explanations under the cut as per usual!!! :D

~

Officially speaking: shoot I figured out what I forgot

Okay so whenever I’m drawing I always forget SOMETHING right? That’s just a thing people deal with??

Anyways I forgot the FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS (except for Huey)

It’s very important that they all have friendship bracelets but I drew this over such a long period of time that I completely forgot to give it to people where it would be visible (i.e. Dewey, Boyd, kinda Lena)

It was almost important enough for me to go back but oh my gosh these pictures literally took an hour and I'm not doing that again very sorry

just: they’re there!!!!!! I promise!!!! Its just.... invisible.....

skdhjfgk okay sorry onto the actual thing

In order of left to right also known as height order!

Huey

I didn't change much from my first time doing this! 

Basically I gave him a dress shirt and a sweater vest :D

The key difference this time is that last time I made the undershirt red and the sweater vest burgundy! 

This time I made the undershirt pink!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Y’all that pink Huey trend from a little while ago was my life force

I hecking love the color pink so much

Anyways!! Moving on: he’s the shortest lol

As I have said before “Older Sibling Culture is being shorter than your younger siblings (I would know)”

But!!! I do love the concept fo Tall and Stronk Huey so he is actually very strong!!!

Instead he’s Short and Stronk!!!!! 

Webby and Boyd are the only one’s physically stronger than him but that’s because of spy training and literally being a robot (respectively)

But yes!!! Huey in a sweater vest and also very strong are important concepts so I did that here!!!!! 

(hmmn.... sweater vest,, nerd,,, weirdly strong,,,,,,, oh no I turned Huey into Chidi Anagonye klsdfjhgkakjahs)

Webby

y’all I messed up so much on this one

literally so many times

since you’re reading this I'll let you in on a secret

that may not be that secret ksdjfhlkds 

Anyways if you look closely at Webby you’ll probably see some weirdly placed lines

specifically around her face, shirt, hand, etc. 

basically I messed up enough that I thinned the paper significantly from erasing (multiple, separate times)

so I had so go in and paste another layer of paper over the thinned layer kjjdkahfgs

But enough about me messing up!! what’s with this outfit?

This one’s mostly about Vibes

I wanted to give off a femme lesbian vibe but still keep that formality we see in Webby’s regular outfit!

Hopefully I achieved that!!! 

This is one of the outfits I resigned completely from last time btw

The old one was fine but looks kinda weird to me now so this!!!

Oh yeah and I love long hair Webby a lot!!! So I included that!!!!

Louie

Louie is probably the one I changed the most about that still resembles the original design

Both times I gave him a button up for an undershirt

this is ‘cause I see y’all giving him suit jackets for when he’s an adult and he needs a middle stage before that

skdfjs- a middle evolution if you will jkadfhgkjhsfdka

But instead of a slip on hoodie over that I went with a zip up jacket because that’s just more practical y’know?

Also cheek tufts!!!!! 

I had them last time too but I love seeing adult louie with full cheek tufts so middle evolution effect comes into play again!!!

He and Webby are pretty much the same height right now btw

If you want to get technical about it Louie’s about a millimeter taller though!

I think that’s all I have for him though!

Gosalyn

Okay so I barely changed anything from last time for Gosalyn

Mr reasoning behind her outfit is mostly that I wanted a flannel gay and Gos was the obvious choice for that

and I liked that decision so I kept with it!!!

Main differences this time include: hair and shoes

So for the original hair I wanted to give her the “bisexual haircut” and I do like Gos with short hair so I kept that!

But I was having a hard time figuring out how to draw her regular bang situation so I went with a totally different style instead!

But I have sense learned how to draw her hair from the show so I incorporated that instead! 

In the original I also had her wearing shoes! I changed that this time because I forgot to give her shoes until it was too late! jksdafhg

Yeah this happens often kdsjhvfkajl (mostly with Lena)

Lena

Oh boy where to begin! 

In the original my one and only goal was to make Lena look like as much of a Lesbian as possible

And I achieved that much!!!!!! 

But in doing so I neglected to make it look like Lena

I mean well it looked like her but it didn’t give off her complete vibe y’know?

So instead of a Hawaiian shirt gay I made her a leather jacket gay!!! Much more Lena in my opinion! :D

I based her hair off of my interpretation of her Phantom and the Sorceress hair! (I know it looks nothing like it but thats how I draw it so???)

In the original I made her hair fade from pink to blue as well and I liked that so I kept it!! 

Then I kept the blue button up undershirt!!

I thought about giving it pinstripes but I don't have a thin enough pen or pencil to pull that off so I didn't :P

Hint of her old green shoes coming from the sock color! 

And then finally: stompy boots

Just to tie it all together! :D

Dewey

This man is LANKY!!!!!!!!!!

sorry I don't make the rules

Well technically I do sense I drew the thing- but thats unimportant!!!!

Dewey gets to be tall to annoy his brothers but in return he is LANKY tall

Otherwise I largely followed my original design!! 

All my reasons for the original were solely based off of ✨Vibes✨

I did change a few things though! 

For example: last time I gave him a 3/4 sleeve short and this time I just made them regular short sleeves

Last time I meant to give him shoes but I forgot so this time I didn't forget!! :D

Also cool socks!!

Oh and I added fingerless gloves!!!!!!!! 

This is once again based solely on ✨Vibes✨

I can’t put a lot of my reasons into words but I personally think I captured the theater kid meets aspiring pilot meets best friend to super hero’s sidekicks meets adventurer vibe pretty well!!

Boyd

!! Okay I’m excited to get into this one!

In my original Boyd was the shortest because technically he can pick his own height being a robot and all

BUT for that same reason I made him tall because: he wants to be tall like Gyro

The idea that Boyd wants to be tall like Gyro is literally so cute yall

I also based his outfit largely off of Gyros!!! 

That is: dress shirt, vest, bowtie, pants

But in Boyd’s color scheme! :D

I’m still working out how to Not to make Boyd look like a popcorn bucket but that’s a problem for another day! 

Violet

To start off: literally nothing was changed from the original

akjfdsghkskhal I’m serious no color changes, no outfit elements, nothing

I liked the original one a lot so I just kept it and redid it for this!!

My inspiration for the original was as follows: ✨Librarian Vibes✨ 

And I think I achieved that with the original so I hope I achieved it here as well!! 

Also Violet is TALL

She’s the tallest now and will continue to be the tallest!!!

I mean just LOOK at her dads!!!! They’re SUPER tall!!

So therefore she gets to be tall too!!!!!!!!!

And I think that’s it!! Thank you so much for reading if you got this far!!!!!!!!! :D

Have a nice day folks! :D

[meetthefantasticmrfox]

The Librarians

Summary: Jeremy Scalera (Jeremy sounds more natural than Janus...seriously who would name their kid Janus?! Sorry to anyone named that but you deserve better. JanICE does not count.) is the head librarian at Hawthorne Library and antisocial intellectual with a taste for being alone and silence. Logan Constell (short for constellation, not his actual last name in this fic) is strikingly similar. So what happens when these two antisocial and intelligent loners cross paths in an interview that was sure to change both their lonely souls.

Pairings: Loceit

Alternate Universes: Human Au, Vitiligo Au (Human! Janus Headcannon technically)

Warnings: Mentions of disabilities and a few mild swear words. A smidge of angst at the very end. Let me know if anything else needs to be added.

Hope you enjoy my dears!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edit: Chapter 2 is here! The Librarians Chapter 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Hawthorne Library was run by a bitter and short tempered know-it-all named Jeremy Scalera...He was exactly 5 foot 3 and 120lbs with a thin frame and even thinner shoulders. His skin was the color of milk chocolate but his smooth sweetness of skin was interrupted by a clash of white splotches scattering his body. Jeremy had been born with vitiligo which resulted in a crude nickname of ‘Dairy Cow’ all the way through his middle school years. This influenced him to hide as much skin as possible using gloves, scarves, and extensive wool jackets and sweaters. This wasn’t entirely odd since at the time he had lived in Minnesota and it was freezing all the damn time. Now he lived in Florida where you either were sweating or shirtless.

“Please let this be a quiet day...” He muttered as the door to the library slammed shut behind him. 

It was exactly 7 ‘o clock in the morning and the library was in need of opening. Jeremy was the only employee of the library and he practically lived there. Sure he still owns an apartment and everything, but he prefers the guaranteed silence at night with the library. His office had a small cot in it with a bathroom and a small kitchen fridge and a few counter-tops to hold his microwave, sink, and single cabinet. 

Jeremy’s morning consisted of walking down to the RelativiTea coffee shop down the street that was operated by one of Jeremy’s old classmates. One who hadn’t mocked him because he himself had a disability, Roman Sancleur had turret syndrome (is that right?). Jeremy might have even considered him a friend had they ever talked to each other than exchanging a coffee order.

“Morning Jeremy.” Roman said out of reflex. His fingers twitched every now and then along with the skin under his eyes, but that was more on the fact that Roman had had no sleep last night because he was too busy drinking coffee and teas left over from the day before and watching Disney movies. 

“Just the iced chocolate mocha today.” The librarian sighed and leaned on the counter. He always got here early to avoid the morning rush. 

Roman set a drink onto the counter already prepared.

“You’re too predictable Jerry. Why don’t you ever shake it up a bit?” Roman leaned over the counter getting a little too close for Jeremy to like. No romantic signs came from the barista, more so curiosity.

“First of all don’t call me ‘Jerry’ please, and second I like consistency. This doesn’t take too much out of my paycheck from the city and it’s tasteful.” Jeremy hissed and put a five dollar bill on the counter as he always did. The drink was actual $2.73 but he didn’t ever like change so Roman always got a pretty generous tip.

Jeremy walked out of the coffee shop without another word and entered back into his solitary space just a block away.

The head-librarian set down his coffee on the horseshoe desk in the center of the library and the jingle of his keys echoed.

“I hope I’m not intruding.” A smooth voice laced with calm sounded behind Jeremy and he jumped.

“Mother of damnation who the hell are you?!” The librarian spun around and gripped his hand on the can of pepper spray he kept on him at all times.

“I-I suggest no hostility, and I advise you keep your voice down...we are in a library after all.” The stranger raised his hands in defense. “I’m sorry to have startled you, but the door was unlocked and I assumed you were in your office.” The man was oddly calm despite the can of pepper spray aimed at him and the clearly hostile look in Jeremy’s eyes.

“My name is Logan Constell. I came to apply for a job here.” The presumed ‘Logan’ folded his hands behind his back and only then did Jeremy begin to notice his features.

Logan wore tight black framed square classes, a smooth black dress coat and a navy undershirt with a star-flecked tie across and brighter blue fabric making up the tie itself. His shoulders were broad and his chin sculpted almost so finely one could mistake him for a statue if he had been gray. 

Speaking of gray, his eyes were a brilliant icy blue-ish gray that sparked with intelligence Jeremy had never seen before. Then there was his hair, pitch black it seemed to be made of the dark matter of space itself. The lightness at which it was folded back and not a single sign of gel or any other product other than a mint smelling shampoo and conditioner. He was so put together with his black slacks and dress shoes to top everything off.

“It doesn’t make much...” Jeremy said steadily despite the rushing feeling running through his veins. He set the pepper spray down next to his coffee and Logan began to approach him which with every inch closer the head librarian’s heart beat a little quicker until it was skipping.

“I have no one to provide for but myself and my hydroponics garden.” Logan stated and held forward a piece of paper with a series of qualification statements and columns.

“I don’t need a resume...I just need you to answer a few questions.” Jeremy quickly said and slipped behind his horseshoe desk. 

“I would be happy to answer them.” Logan said blankly.

“As I would hope.” Jeremy glanced up at him as he sat down in the old roller chair with a creak. 

“Age?” He started.

“Twenty-Three years, seven months, and fifteen days.”

“Are you organized?”

“To a fault some might say.” Logan replied cooly.

“Do you have balance well on a 14 foot ladder?” Jeremy shot back.

“I’ve never tried, but I have a high pain tolerance and have been reported a fast healer.” 

“Then you’re hired.” Jeremy rose from his chair and stuck out his hand. Logan took it in a firm grip that shot sparks through Jeremy’s arm and heat shooting up his face then he let go and the sparks vanished.

“When do I start?” Logan’s eyes held the slightest hint of joyous feeling but it was masked behind the gray and blue storm.

“The library opens in five minutes which should be enough time to get your tag done.” Jeremy offered a smirk which was met with only the slightest twitch of the others lips and the flicker of those eyes casting over the librarians face.

~Time Skip~

It’d been three weeks since Logan had started working at Hawthrone and every glance or movement seemed to attract Jeremy’s attention. He had considered going to see a doctor at this point but the Library’s salary and the fact Jeremy didn’t have insurance wasn’t exactly ideal.

“Good morning Jeremy.” Logan said one day as he walked in. 

“Morning Lo.” The other responded calmly. This was about all that was exchanged by them verbally on most days.

The first three days at the library Logan had worn a simple silver band on his ring-finger then it had disappeared. Today seemed like an okay day to finally question his new employee about it.

“So...I noticed you stopped wearing the ring.” Jeremy said casually one day as he stocked the shelves. It was closing time and Logan was better at checking back in books than Jeremy.

“What ring?” Logan asked blankly, barely glancing up at the brown and tan head librarian.

“The silver band you wore the first three days you were here.” Jeremy clarified.

“I didn’t think it had any significance to my work here.”

“It doesn’t.” The conversation fell quiet for a few seconds before one of them spoke again.

“If you don’t feel comfortable with telling me it’s fine. It was just a silly question worth a bit of satisfied curiosity.” Jeremy said hurriedly as he started to ascend the ladder. The book he had in his left hand belonged at the top shelf.

“No...it’s just I don’t wish to make you uncomfortable or loose this job.” Logan rushed out.

“Why would I fire you? Or feel uncomfortable?” Jeremy asked slowly as he reached the fifth level.

“Because that ring was my tie to my ex-husband.” Logan said quietly, barely loud enough for the man on the ladder to hear.

“Oh...” There was a pause with only the sound of clicking keys and the steps of Jeremy climbing the ladder. “Well that’s nothing to ashamed of. Some people just don’t fit.” He quickly said after an extended period of time that felt longer than it should have and he reached the top and began moving books around to shelve the one in his hand.

“You’re not...going to judge me?” Logan seemed surprised.

“Well no. Who you choose to love is not up to me, and it’s not like I have anything against gays or bisexuals or any of the LGBTQ community. I myself am apart of it.” Jeremy reassured him and started climbing down slowly. The ladder rings dug into his worn shoes and hit against his old socks, further sinking into the bottom of his feet.

“Fascinating.” Logan muttered. Jeremy pretended not to hear and as silence once again claimed the room the sun began to send a orange glow over the dark gray carpeted floors of the house of books. Jeremy looked up to see the tangerine and apricot that now spilled through the windows like a waterfall to a lake. 

Jeremy didn’t stop his descend though and his foot caught on a ring, but before he could notice he slipped and fell. All the way from the seventh level down to Earth and before he hit the ground something snapped and pain rocketed through his left leg as black crowded his vision. Nothing existed except the abyss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AAAAAAaaaaaand that’s Chapter 1. If this chapter gets some love or I get bored then I’ll check out getting a Chapter 2. 

Until next time my Foxlings! <3 <3 <3

[abanomath]

Retconning Sexuality vs New Characters

One of the usual comments whenever a comic character comes out is “But why don’t they just make new LGBT characters instead of changing old ones” and figured I’d kind of explain why, at least, I support changing old characters. 

(For this discussion I’m going to use Marvel examples because I spent hours doing the pictures for Marvel and don’t want to spend time doing DC too).

The overarching reasons essentially come down to this: Comic characters ride on their old popularity more than people seem to think. And it needs to be acknowledged the role nostalgia plays in comic sales. If it didn’t Marvel wouldn’t go to great lengths to keep bringing back dead characters from the silver age to the 90s, create a timescale specifically to avoid aging their characters, or continually hearken back to old events regularly. DC wouldn’t force Batman into every book under the sun because he has the name recognition. 

For every new character that succeeds, such as Kamala or Miles, dozens disappear into the annals of small Marvel wikia pages. And even those, most really build upon legacies of those mainline heroes. 

With that acknowledgement also comes the problem - most of these characters are white, heterosexual, Christian (and occasionally Jewish). And have been for decades upon decades. Over the past twenty years, there has been a lot of work done to try and rectify this and have even a semblance of representation for the various groups that read comics. 

Someone on Reddit put it best “Marvel/DC are fundamentally about fanfics of fanfics of fanfics”. And like fanfic writers, they are constantly making changes to keep up with the audience. A lot of comic stories are very outdated, and writers update them. 

We see this in all aspects of characters, not just their sexual orientation and race. If Reed Richard’s was written like Stan Lee wrote him, accusations of sexism would be commonplace. Deadpool was basically Slade Wilson, but Marvel, until a new writer came along and changed his personality. The X-men are going through a dramatic shift, a rejuvenation, as they are reinvented after years of being shit on. Cates has recently retconned tons of Symbiote lore and his run is great.

Comic characters are constantly being reinvented to keep stories fresh and interesting to the audience. The difference for what is a central aspect of a character and “forcing change” is time. Northstar wasn’t always gay. He wasn’t allowed to be gay, no character was at Marvel for a long time. He was retconned. Rictor was retconned. Shatterstar was retconned. 

These are some of the oldest, most high profile gay characters at Marvel. And they were retcons. But since it has been some time since the retcons (Northstar now 30 years), they are just parts of the characters. 

I want to use a visual. This is art by the wonder Luciano Vecchio. It's fanart, but it’ll serve the purpose of an example. It's not a complete drawing of every LGBT character in marvel, but it has enough to illustrate the point.

Now I’m going to grey out all the character’s that weren’t originally gay. This means, the characters that either weren’t allowed to be gay (because of Marvel editorials), or were reinvented as LGBT by later writers. You’ll notice immediately how so many of the big recognizable LGBT characters are greyed out. Deadpool, Valkyrie, MAC, Loki, Rictor & Shatterstar, Northstar, Moondragon, etc. Even poor little Tong was retconned in by Fraction. Nor was Karma established as a lesbian for many years after her debut. Mystique and Destiny, despite having subtext, were only confirmed to be lovers in 2019. 

Now I’m going to take out the alternate universe versions and “implied characters” (aka, characters that were implied to be LGBT but not confirmed till much later). Herc is gone (despite being historically bisexual, Marvel insists he is straight in 616), Jessica Drew is gone, Colossus (who is hard to see), is also gone. Daken is really the big “implied” character. Despite kissing a man in his initial run as part of a ploy (and then killing him), Daken’s sexuality wasn’t more explicit for several years until Dark Wolverine, and wasn’t confirmed until 2011. 

Next I’m going to illustrate the “new character” problem. I’m going to grey out all the characters that have less than 40 main appearances. Why 40? It is arbitrary, but the idea is that its enough appearances that means the character has probably been used by multiple writers (though not always the case, such as Vivsector who was basically used almost exclusively by Peter Milligan).

And you see that almost all the characters are now grey. Even this list of 15 characters (Billy, Teddy, Karolina, Bling, Morph, Phylla Vell, POD, Toni Ho, Angela, Anole, Victoria Hand, Graymalkin, Vivsector, Striker and Doop) come with their own caveats. 

Striker, despite meeting the threshold, hasn’t made an actual comic appearance in 5 years, and almost all his appearances were in Avengers Academy (with cameos in other series like Young Avengers). Doop is a complete joke character. Victoria Hand was a Dark Reign character that died 8 years ago and will likely never return. Angela, if you count her real-world circumstances with spawn, is technically a retcon. Even Anole, who has the most appearances of any LGBT character that started LGBTA, has basically been a cameo in recent years. 

And this is the inherent problem with the “well just make new characters”. They have. Several times. What happens to the majority of them is that the second the writer is done with them, they are tossed aside. Why?

Because they don’t have the history to propel them forward. The history that Marvel and DC have based their entire business model around. 

[waitingfortheendtocome]

Forced To Let Go CH 2

This is the second chapter of my Jemily fic Forced to Let Go. I’m sorry for delaying it, I kind of got caught up in the game Lara Croft: Tomb Raider lol.

Looking back at this story I realized I turned it into two chapters not Three. Whoops lol If you want to see a third part to this story let me know and I’ll be happy to write it. I was honestly going to make it more angsty by adding some ideas I have in my head but decided against it and ending it here.

I’m working on the second chapter to my Ocean’s 8 Lou Miller/Reader fic and I’ll pot it as soon as I finish it. I’m just working on the angle on how I want the story to go. :)

Warnings: No major warning except Angst andd even more Angst.  

****************************************************

Two Days Later

Day of Wedding

Emily had arrived at the wedding a little late. It hurt too much to come and watch the woman she loved marry someone else and knowing she probably essentially pushed them together. Just the thought made her heart clench heavily. The other reason why she was late was because she technically didn’t have anything to wear since she packed all her belongings and put them in the trunk of her car. She had already given her landlord the keys to the apartment before she drove to the wedding. Her intentions were to come for the ceremony and sneak away and leave as soon as it was over, not able to bear to be there any longer let alone say goodbye to anyone.

Emily had gone to the bar to drink a little and be away from everyone only for Morgan to catch up unfortunately for her the man had been extremely observant since he had noticed how quiet and closed off she was after talking to him she confessed about her leaving much to his disappointment and Hotch popping up trying to talk her out of it but she shook her head stating she had already made the decision looking away and walking away but both men knew it was much more they where profilers they knew something else was driving Emily to pack up and leave but they didn’t pressure her. Instead they both made a point in making her final night with them worthwhile and memorable even though Emily doubted anything could cheer her up but nodded smiling not wanting to disappoint them.

The wedding ceremony started without delay and JJ walked down the aisle. Emily watched her walk down the aisle and Emily couldn’t look away. Emily thought JJ looked breathtakingly beautiful, she looked like an angel in her white dress and she couldn’t look away. The dress hugged her figure perfectly and her hair styled to perfection but what snapped her out of it was the smile. Emily saw JJ give Will the happiest smile she has given anyone and that broke Emily all over again but she pushed it back. 

When JJ walked past Emily, Emily made sure not to meet JJ’s eyes instead she looked at Will’s direction and didn’t help but roll her eyes slightly. She looked around making sure no one noticed and was relieved when no one did. Emily after sat through the long ceremony and watched them say their final I do. After the priest asked if anyone objected and no one did despite the fact that Emily loved her but she wouldn’t be cruel despite the outcome. During that minute paused Emily caught JJ looking at her and Emily’s eyes flashed with pain but hid it instead Emily looked down and away pretending to look to see if anyone would object.

***************************************************

The reception party began quickly after, it had started a bit ago and Emily began walking around watching her team. Her now ex-team danced and partied the night away, celebrating JJ and Will now husband and wife’s wedding. It was at this moment that she decided to leave. Seeing them dancing smiling happily made Emily wonder why she did after so many times JJ expressed that she couldn't see herself marrying Will. 

Emily herself found the man slightly controlling given how he forced JJ to tell the rest of the team that they were officially even threatening to break up over it and on top of that forcing JJ to tell the team about the pregnancy and even telling them himself when she wasn’t ready. Emily knew he made her happy but some of his behaviors unnerved Emily and she secretly had hoped JJ would choose to be with her but she knew it would never happen despite their fling and quite frankly she wasn’t surprised.

Emily watched Garcia dancing with Morgan, Hotch dancing with Beth and Rossi with Strauss. JJ dancing with Will. Emily walked near a tree and her eyes suddenly locked with JJ, Emily could see the look of regret and apologetic and Emily’s eyes betrayed how heartbroken she was. Emily simply walked on mouthing out congratulations, eyes more on Will than at JJ. Emily didn’t want to make JJ feel bad at her wedding so she locked eyes one more time to see JJ mouthing out an apology and Emily despite herself gave a single curt nod at her as a way of telling her it was fine and it didn’t matter. 

She made sure she kept up a mask of calm and indifference all the while she pretended she was happy and enjoying herself. Despite feeling led on and hurt she was actually happy for JJ but at the same time she just couldn’t express it at the moment. Although Emily knew that JJ could see through the fake smile and sudden professional nod, JJ has seen her use it too many times it was the same indifferent professional nod she gave anyone she meets while working cases or even anyone her mother introduces her.

At this point Emily had to keep her distance and stay far from her best friend and being indifferent was the only way they thought she could. As well as running away Emily seems to be a pro at doing that too.

Emily walked to her table to grab another drink when she felt someone tap her shoulder. Looking over her shoulder to find Morgan staring intensely at her with a knowing look beside him was Spencer.

“What’s up guys?” Emily questioned

Morgan glanced at Spencer than at Emily, “I was going to talk to you.”

“Same, us coming here at the same time is a coincidence although I have to say Emily don't think I haven’t noticed.” Spencer told her eyebrow raised

Emily gulped nervously wondering what he was talking about. She knew he wasn’t aware of her leaving since it was a last minute thing and she has been very subtle when it came down to her crush on JJ not to mention her relationship with the blonde or lack of relationship.

“Emily I saw the look you gave JJ just now and could read right through it and no I wasn’t profiling. If that look doesn’t scream I’m not happy for you than I don’t know what is also I noticed a few months now how distance you’ve been with her, you only talk to her professionally when it involves cases and when she wants to have a casual conversation you either pretend you're interested or make an excuse and walk away.” Spencer explained worried

“I have noticed as well Prentiss. Tell us what’s really going on with you. I know you went through a lot and this is something that’s much more then.” Morgan told her arms crossed

“Ugh what did I say about profiling.” Emily told them irritated

“It wasn’t profiling Emily. You’re in love with her... Emily why didn’t you ever told her even before she meet him.” Reid tone was frantic and changed to disappointment at the last part of his sentence as if the idea of Emily never telling JJ was devastating to him

Emily froze and immediately flushed shaking her head, “Whatttt no what gave……..me and JJ? Nooo...we never…… I mean….” Emily stuttered but paused sighing taking a deep breath, “What I mean to say is nothing is going on between JJ and I.”

Morgan shook his head, not impressed by her excuse and Spencer rolled his eyes but his eyes shone in amusement.

“Emily who are you trying to fool, I’m a bisexual man I can tell you’re gay from a mile away and JJ is as closeted as they come and I know you two secretly slept together so I’ll asked again. Why didn’t you ever tell her, you know if you needed help I could have helped anything to get you two together.” Spencer explained crossing his arms equally disappointed

Emily’s jaw dropped for a moment shocked but sighed knowing they caught her and there was no way to lie to them and it would be nice to tell someone about it for a change.

“Okay fine I’ll tell you and I didn’t knew you where bisexual. How did I miss it?” Emily questions suspiciously

Reid laughed shaking his head and Morgan chuckled, “Emily I don’t exactly try to hide it you know. I didn’t just went to see my friend play you know.”

“Oh…….OHHH.. Go Reid.” Emily cheered earning a blush from the man

“You’re evasive Emily.” Morgan pointed out and Emily sighed

“Fine… long story short JJ and I had something going on for years even while JJ was with Will. I tried to stop it a few times but when things got serious between them I stopped it somewhat I only agreed to be with her a few times feeling it wrong. In Paris she stayed a while with me until I recovered and during that time we talked a lot she told me Will had proposed a few times and she refused him. She told me he isn’t the type she would marry and would never marry him. I asked her about her type and she told me she would rather date me and give me a chance… she even promised we can date when Doyle was captured we can start dating.” Emily told them sounding sad looking down

Both men looked at Emily worried but confused. They both looked at each other and thought the same thing. If JJ was willing to be with Emily what happened? They both looked back at JJ and Will dancing and back at Emily.

“What happened? That could be you there not him. Nothing against Will but between us three I rather see you and her there.” Morgan told Emily

“I second that.” Reid stated smiling brightly

Emily smiled weakly at them, “She changed her mind a few weeks ago during the Oregon worshiping ritual case I told her and asked rather what we were. Anyways she told me she can’t leave Will and cant hurt him… well more like tell me she cannot bear to hurt him. She also said she isn’t ready for that commitment or the consequences that came with it whatever that means….” Emily shrugged. Reid gave Emily a sad look out of all the reasons that was the last thing he was expecting and all Morgan did was shake his head frowning, also surprised and baffled.

“So she didn’t love you back? She could have fooled us don’t think we didn’t know about you two but none of us said anything because it wasn’t our business and you never got in the way of work.” Morgan pointed out

“That’s not important anymore… She is married now I have to get over her that’s why I have to get away… Guys are alright, it was nothing but a fling between friends. Friends with benefits but I put an end to it completely weeks ago.” Emily told them shaking her head

“Wait! Leave what do you mean leave.” Reid squeaked surprised

“Sorry Reid but I’m leaving for London. I was offered a position to be director of Interpol and I took it… I wasn’t going to but I have to get away…. I….is not the same after Doyle I would have stuck around but after what happened a few weeks ago and now this I really need to leave I already gave up my apartment and packed but I wasn’t going to leave without at least saying goodbye to you Reid I was actually going to go tell you before I leave in a twenty minutes.” Emily promised

Reid looked at her sad and put out but nodded, “I understand Emily, I would want to get away for a while too if I was in your shoes.”

Emily hugged them promising to keep in touch; they then pulled her to dance which earned a real laugh for the first time in weeks. After Morgan winked and went to distract everyone alone with Reid while Emily snuck away but not before Hugging Rossi and whispering her goodbye to him. He was saddened but nodded understanding and she took advantage and walked away looking back one last time. The team was all dancing and partying Morgan and Reid doing a really good job keeping everyone occupied and distracted so none of them even noticed she was gone. JJ was holding Will tightly smiling brightly which made Emily frown saddened the ache coming back full force making her eyes water.

“Bye JJ. Despite how things turned out I’ll always love you.” Emily whispered one last time to herself staring longingly at JJ’s direction before walking to her car and driving off to the airport.

An hour later Emily sat at the airplane drained but she could never sleep in an airplane the days events catching up to her but she knew there was no turning back and she had to get away from it all. She wondered how it was that Doyle single handedly took everything from her yet it was JJ’s wedding that became the last straw. A lone tear fell from her eyes, feeling the plane taking off.

Is for the best Emily. You have to forget her, she chose Will. Emily thought over and over again trying to remind herself.

“Forgetting someone as special as JJ is the hard part.” Emily sighed softly looking out the night sky watching the lights of the city fade into the distance.

****************************************************************************

After the Wedding Reception

JJ looked around once she and the team finished cleaning up Rossi’s yard after cleaning they hung out for a while but JJ spent it thinking about Emily wondering where she was. JJ and Will an hour after it was all over drove home with Will originally they where suppose to go to a hotel to essentially have sex a couple but JJ wasn’t up telling Will another time but her mother had overheared and had none of it forcing her too thrilled to have her daughter finally marry what she described as an exemplary man who she always dreamed her daughter to marrying and JJ felt a wave of guilt thinking of Emily suddenly wondering if the wedding was a good idea when she knew who she truly loved was Emily.

She hasn’t seen Emily since they shared that look which hasn’t left her mind all night. She had a really bad feeling about it and she really wanted to talk to Emily and maybe straighten things she didn’t want to lose her best friend but something Reid said struck out just now that she couldn’t help but wonder if he was right. He had told her privately how sometimes during life and death situations is not wise to make major deciduous because you have the tendency of regretting them later on, that is why experts always say to wat twenty-four to forty-eight hours once the adrenaline is gone before making any decision and is worse if someone you care about nearly dies. What had unnerved JJ was the way Reid looked at her square in her eyes as they danced and said what he said to her made her heart drop but before she could ask they stopped dancing and went back to where Morgan and Garcia where and Rossi took over to dance with her.

“JJ I understand you almost lost the father of your son and want him around for Henry and to give him a family having him grow up with both parents close but why the sudden chance specially when you rejected the proposal so many times. Jayje as your friend and the godfather of your son know that experts say that you shouldn’t make big decisions like this as soon as you face extreme traumatic events or life and death situations you tend to regret them later.” Reid stated while spinning her gently

JJ looked confused at him, “What are you saying Spencer that I made a mistake marrying the father of my child who I love?” JJ looked baffled at him

Spencer shook his head at JJ, “There’s a difference between Loving someone and being in love with someone JJ for example I love you but as a sister I’m not in love with you romantically. They’re many different kinds of love JJ siblings, paternal, and you can love someone enough to procreate but not truly love them deeply in love with them.” Spencer spun them both gracefully while spinning JJ and catching her meeting JJ’s wide surprised eyes with his own knowing ones which JJ found unnerving.

JJ furrowed her eyebrows confused, “What’s w…”

Spencer interrupted her, his tone gently and kind, “I know more than I let on and all I can say is is stability, comfort, the obvious choice and family expectations really worth losing the person you’re truly in love with because trust me by the time you figure it out it’ll be to late. You said your I do’s to the obvious choice who had already giving up asking content with not marrying and trust me even Will had noticed. Think about it JJ and congratulations on the wedding regardless of your choice is your wedding and we are happy for you.” Reid stopped there dancing and winked walking away

“Wait Spencer.” JJ called out

“Yes?” Spencer quirked an eyebrow

“What do you mean and when did you learn to dance so well?” JJ’s voice was soft

“Just giving my best friend advice and Richard taught me.” Spencer gave JJ a wide grin and a knowing wink before walking away

That last part didn’t click to JJ right away until now the tone of pure fondness Spencer used when he said the name and when it clicked her eyes widen in realization that this Richard guy might be someone Spencer was dating but JJ didn’t knew Spencer way gay since she seen him show interest in girls too so that meant he was bisexual but that last part wasn’t what was in her head it was the entire conversation and when she looked around for Emily she couldn’t find her but before she could even go looking for her. Her mother and Garcia had shoved her in a car with Will sending her off.

*************************************************************************

The Next Day

JJ snuck out of the hotel dressed in casual and ran off. The entire night her mind was on Emily but unfortunately she had to focus for an hour on Will. Usually she can get off fine with him but last night she found herself faking it for her husband's sake. Thankfully he was no profiler and JJ was a pretty good actress and he didn’t tell a difference. She felt guilty for doing that on her honeymoon night but she did say she wasn’t up for it but not wanting to ruin it for him.

JJ got in her car thinking about Emily, she had asked last night about her but no one had seen her so she had called Emily’s phone but it was off. Today JJ called a few more times but it was off again and became even more worried JJ left a note to Will letting him know she’ll be back.

JJ drove as quickly as she could to Emily’s apartment. She wondered why Emily would walk out in the middle of her wedding like that, it wasn’t like Emily and she wondered why. JJ knew she was a coward and chose the easy way out and regretted it. Reid’s words sunk in and she realized he knew about JJ’s relationship with Emily so that means he knew something more and he was expecting her to choose Emily.

JJ ran out of her car and inside JJ’s apartment building and up the stairs JJ stopped at Emily’s apartment door and knocked frantically but no one answered. Now that JJ thought about it Morgan gave her the same look and felt dread that they knew that she didn’t.

“EMILY.” JJ shouted, knocking violently at the door feeling more dread.

JJ wiggled the doorknob to find that it turned. Unlocked? JJ thought confused and barged in knowing it wasn’t like Emily to leave her door unlocked. JJ didn’t even think of the potential danger she rushed in the apartment calling out to Emily. JJ ran in the dark apartment looking everywhere.

“EMILY.” JJ called looking from room to room finding no one except an empty apartment it looked as it was abandoned. As if Emily never lived there. JJ’s eyes widened and suddenly felt a wave of nausea at the thought. She felt the air getting knocked out of her lungs.

“No.” JJ gasped and ran into Emily��s closet yanking the door open finding it empty. “Noooooo.” was all that left JJ’s lips sounded like a broken whimper

JJ searched all of Emily’s apartment to find Emily’s belongings gone; nothing was left; it was as if she never even lived there. A broken sob escaped JJs lips at the realization and it all made sense. The phone calls and Emily brushing off the question when Reid asked, Emily being distant towards her, the smile yet JJ knew it was faked the heartbreak that flashed in Emily’s eyes at the reception party when she was dancing with Will and again at the ceremony. Everything hit JJ and she crumbled broken sobs escaping her lips followed by heavy regrets and realization now Reid’s words made sense. JJ fell on Emily’s bed curling herself into a ball crying inconsolably.

“Emily…….I should have chosen you…..now it is too late.” JJ sobbed crying her body shaking with every sob, “I love you Em please come back. What have I done...I choose you Em….” JJ sobbed

She chose Will because she knew she did but her heart was with Emily and JJ knew she was the reason Emily left and she didn’t know when she’ll come back or if she’ll come back. JJ knew she had made a mistake.

JJ laid there for what seemed like hours crying thinking about the what if and how happy she was with Emily and more importantly how she blew it due to her fears. JJ’s phone ran suddenly startling. JJ’s struggled to stop crying, taking deep breaths after a bit handling her emotions. She picked it up hoping it was Emily but her heart sank when it was Will who was calling. She answered and sighed telling him she’ll be right there hanging up. A fresh wave of tears fell curling herself into a ball again ignoring her now husband in favor of laying there crying over the loss and heartbreak she felt at the realization that the woman she loved was gone.

“You didn’t even say goodbye.” JJ whimpered sobbing. JJ grabbed on to the covers sobbing uncontrollably over having lost her best friend and the woman she truly loved. The once warm lively apartment now felt cold and empty the sounds of JJ's sobbing echoing on the eerily silent apartment a constant reminder that Emily is truly gone and JJ now realizing the mistake she made and not able to take back.

[mulletcal]

greased lightnin’ - a cashton!mechanic blurb.

a/n: my second blurb for the fic event! did i finish it up 12 hours before it was supposed to be posted? maybe, but she’s here and she’s thriving.  thank you once again to all the other fic writers involved in this event, you’re such a supportive group and ilu sm.

word count: 2.7k

warnings: mentions of a toxic relationship, oral (male receiving), smut, public sex

Event Masterlist

****

When Calum was little, his two favourite things to watch were Grease and Happy days; so it came as no surprise to anyone when he wanted to be a mechanic.  Calum also may have cited a time or two that The Fonz and Danny Zuko are who opened his eyes to the fact that he was attracted to men.

The slicked back, leather jacket look was something Calum was into; and while he was well aware that no proper mechanic actually dressed like that, it didn’t stop him from wearing such a getup to his interview at Irwin’s Auto- his curly hair perfectly messy, white t-shirt fitted against his torso with his worn-in leather jacket over it. 

Calum had hoped the man who did his pre-interview over the phone would be the one interviewing him, because based on voices alone Calum thought he sounded extremely attractive, and he was only rewarded when a young man who looked roughly his age came walking through the door.

The man wasn’t dressed like he would have expected, which only served to make him even more attractive.  He was dressed in a torn-up black Led Zeppelin t-shirt, dark ripped jeans that hugged his thighs, and his black hair pushed off of his forehead - Calum had to give his head a small shake to get himself out of the headspace of checking out his potential boss.

“Don’t mind my outfit, I didn’t get much sleep and this is the first thing I found.  I’m Ashton, I own this shop,” Ashton spoke, reaching out his hand for Calum to shake.  

Standing to shake the man - Ashton’s - hand, Calum couldn’t help but to admire the blood moon tattoos on his forearms, “Not to worry, happens to all of us.  M’Calum, I’m… interviewing to work here.”

Oh, so he was in the business of telling people things they already knew now, that’s good.  The grin Calum received in response made him grin as well.

“My ex is an ass.  I went to go get the last of my stuff and he wanted to start another fight… I don’t honestly know why I blurted that out, I’m sorry.  That was unprof--”

“He?” Calum blurted out before he had the chance to rethink it.  Maybe he did have a chance after all, if he didn’t get the job maybe he could follow up another time and ask him on a date.

Ashton’s frown made Calum’s breath seize in his throat though, immediately rethinking his choices, “Mate if you have an issue with gay people, you can get the fuck out.”

“No!” Calum sputtered, burying his face in his hands, “I was just surprised because I’m gay too.  Well… Half gay, bisexual really.  Fuck m’sorry, that was a horrible way to say that.  I’m bi.  I don’t have an issue with gay people.”

The grin returned to Ashton’s lips in an instant, leaning back into the chair opposite from him and crossing one leg over the other, “I think we’re going to get along just great.”

Calum was hired by the end of the interview, despite only being an apprentice at one other shop for three months before it went belly-up.  He liked to think that maybe the fact that him and Ashton seemed to get along great had something to do with it, or maybe he just saw potential in Calum.

His first day hadn’t gone as well as he expected; he knocked over a tray of tools, and somehow managed to drop numerous items onto Ashton’s foot.  

“You’re so lucky you’re pretty,” Ashton muttered under his breath, and it made Calum pause for a minute - had he just said he was pretty? No one had referred to him as pretty before.

It was all Calum could think of the rest of the day, doing his best to avoid dropping more things onto Ashton in hopes of not getting fired. After his first day of stumbling about, the rest of the week seemed to go smoothly; that was until he slipped on a small patch of oil on the ground, landing on his ass. Thankfully, it wasn’t a painful fall, but it was enough to have Ashton rushing to his aid, barking out a laugh when he realize Calum was okay.

“You’ve had a tough start and end to the week, wanna go for drinks after work?” Ashton asked, patting Calum on the forehead.

Calum agreed a little too quickly, a blush creeping up on his cheeks when Ashton held his hand out to help him up.  They had brushed past each other before, but Calum had forgotten how warm Ashton’s hands were, and how nice the man’s calloused fingers felt against his own. Realizing he was holding on for a little too long, he quickly pulled his hand away to run his fingers through his hair, messing up his curls a little more and tugging on the ends in his embarrassment.

Ashton’s eyes lingered for longer than he’d care to admit on Calum’s fingers in his hair, silently wishing they were his own. The more he got to know Calum, the more attracted he was to him; he struggled of course, because he was supposed to be his boss, and it would be completely out of line. Ashton had thought more than once about how Calum’s lips would feel against his own, or how many more tattoos the man had. 

“You okay?” Calum asked, “I was the one who slipped, mate. You look like you’re going to be ill.”

Ashton shook his head, laughing softly, “Just thinkin’ bout the damages you woulda cost me if you cracked that thick skull of yours on the concrete.”

With that, the two returned to work- Calum placing the tires back onto a car, Ashton trying not to watch the way his muscles moved underneath his jumpsuit. And Ashton replacing someone’s rear brakes, Calum definitely not watching the way his stomach muscles would tense on a particularly hard tug. The day seemed to pass slowly, the anticipation creeping up making Calum sweat for more reasons than just the heat.

“Ready to go?” Ashton grinned, wiping the sweat off his brow with the rag that had been hanging out of his pocket.

“Uh, yeah. Just gotta get outta my grease monkey clothes, y’know,” Calum chuckled before he turned to head for the bathroom to get changed.

By the time he had cleaned up the sweat from his face, and changed into mostly decent clothes, Ashton was already ready, leaning against his car waiting for him.  As if Calum couldn’t be any more attracted to the man, seeing him sitting against the hood of a black 1969 Ford Mustang made him practically salivate at the sight.

Ashton simply grinned when he saw him, pulling the sunglasses onto his face and pushing himself off the car, “Ever been in a car like this? S’a beaut.”

Calum hummed, shaking his head, “I’ve only ever seen cars like this, oldest car I think I’ve been in was a 1995 impala ss, I think?”

Ashton nodded, allowing the engine to roar to life, “Well then you’re in for a treat, mate.  Maybe we’ll go for a drive and I’ll let you take the wheel.  You’ve driven stick before, yeah?”

“I’ve handled a few sticks in my time,” Calum smirked, watching a look of realization cross over Ashton’s features that his meaning may not be entirely innocent, sporting a matching smirk all the way to their destination.  

Walking into the bar, Calum relaxed at the familiar warmth of the bar enveloping him; the smells invading his nostrils, and the music had him humming along quietly as he followed Ashton to a table in the back corner.

Once they settled in and had their drinks, conversation flowed easily between the two men.  Talking about where one another grew up, favourite hobbies, foods, and the like.  It wasn’t until the subject of relationships came up that Calum grew more quiet and withdrawn, which Ashton took notice of as he spoke of his ex boyfriend.

“What about you, any horrible first date or relationship stories to share?”

Calum shrugged, taking a long sip of his beer before he spoke, “I’ve only had one boyfriend, and it wasn’t the best experience.  He wasn’t out to his family yet, so he had to keep me hidden.  I didn’t so much mind that he wasn’t ready to come out, of course, what I minded was that his shame lead me to being treated pretty shitty by him.  Needless to say that relationship didn’t last very long, and I’ve been single ever since.”

Ashton listened intently, leaning his elbows onto the table so he could listen to Calum better, “I’m so sorry you experienced that.  It’s like you said it would be fine if he wasn’t prepared to come out, but the way he treated you is inexcusable.”

Calum nodded, draining the rest of his beer and setting the glass down, “It’s fine, m’doing better now.  Trying to go on some dates, but each one has been pretty shitty.”

“Hm, well the goal I’d say is to be a little less shitty every time no?”

Chuckling, Calum nodded, “Yeah, well, I don’t know if you can tell but I have no idea what I’m doing.  I almost never do.”

Ashton quirked a brow, smiling around the rim of his glass before draining his as well, “My big toe would have to agree,” he paused, looking towards the window to see if it was dark.  Seemingly pleased that the sun was beginning to set, he looked back to Calum, “Wanna go for that drive? I got the tab while you were in the bathroom.”

Calum frowned, agreeing to heading out, but not before promising Ashton that he’d pick up the tab the next time.  

When they walked out to the car, Ashton spun to face him, walking backwards while he spoke, “I was gonna let you drive, but there was somewhere I wanted to show you first.”

The question didn’t leave Calum’s lips of if he was about to get murdered, simply letting Ashton drive.  Classic rock played in the background softly, Calum enjoying the feeling of the wind through his hair as he realized Ashton was driving towards the beaches.

“Why would you want to go to the beach at night?” 

“Not technically night yet, Cal, we’re going to watch the sunset on the beach.  Well not on, but on the hood of my car!” Ashton smiled brightly over at Calum when he pulled into the parking lot.  Ashton seemed like he was driving to the furthest spot away from the entrance, and all the other cars, and it made Calum pause for a moment - maybe he really was being murdered.  “Stop looking so worried, I just like to play music and I don’t wanna disturb people around us.”

Once he had parked, Ashton encouraged Calum to get out so they could sit on the hood, leaning back against the windshield to watch the sunset.  Calum thought of how crazy that within a week his life had drastically changed; he got his dream career, made a new friend, and started to feel more like himself than he ever had.

“You okay?” Ashton asked, tilting his head in Calum’s direction, “What’s goin’ on in that head of yours?”

“Just thinkin’...” He trailed off, feeling Ashton bump his shoulder so he would continue.  “My life has improved so much just in the last week, and I have you to thank for that.  I went from this dorky dude who was stuck in the past, still hurt over his ex, to a passably cool mechanic who’s only looking forward to the future.”

Ashton smiled, shifting to move closer to Calum, their thighs touching, “Good.  I meant what I said before, the way he treated you was inexcusable.  You’re such a smart, funny, and talented man, it’s part of the reason I hired you, and you didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”

Calum’s breath caught in his throat when he turned his head to find Ashton inches away from his face.  Swallowing thickly, his eyes searched the man’s hazel ones, watching as they cast down to his lips, “What was the other part that you hired me for?”

The man licked his lips, slowly dragging his eyes back up to meet Calum’s, “Say the word and I won’t.  But I hired you because I didn’t want anyone else to have you.”

His words were true, that ever since he met Calum he knew he had to have him; on his staff, and just in his life in general.  Ashtons’ words were all it took for Calum to close the gap, his soft lips meeting Ashtons’ own.  Calum’s fingers tangled in the white shirt the man was wearing, pulling him closer.

Their kiss was heated, needy, and it didn’t take long to realize where these kisses were going to lead.  Ashton’s lips trailed along Calum’s jaw, his fingers gently coming to rest on Calum’s crotch and toying with the zipper.

“Ash, we’re in public--” “And?” “And? What if someone sees us and calls the cops?” Calum nervously glanced over his head to see if anyone was looking at them, only to be relieved that a majority of the pairings had dissipated, few cars left in the parking lot.

“Fuck ‘em, want you,” Ashton hummed, pressing kisses along Calum’s neck.  “Do you want this? Because we can stop.”

Calum knew it shouldn’t be sexy, but Ashton reassuring that it was okay seemed to only turn him on more, nodding feverishly, “Yes.  I want you, please.”

Ashton didn’t need to be told twice, his fingers working at the button of his jeans, sliding the zipper down soon after.  Reconnecting their lips, Calum moaned as Ashton palmed his clothed cock.  The friction of Ashton’s hand combined with the fabric of his boxers could have been enough for Calum, not having been touched in such a way in a while, but he wanted to hold off as long as he could to see what Ashton had in mind.

Leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses along his chest, Calum gasped when Ashton finally reached the waistband of his boxers, tugging them down with ease.  He could see the man lick his lips once more, which made him let out a quiet moan. 

Ashton leaned forward and began to tease the head with his tongue, hand wrapping around Calum’s length to keep it in place. A few more teasing licks, and Ashton dipped his head, taking as much of Calum in his mouth that he could all at once.  Gasping at the feeling, Calum’s eyes quickly darted around to see if anyone was watching before he tangled his fingers in Ashton’s hair.  The older man expertly bobbed his head, hollowing out his cheeks and flattening his tongue against the underside of Calum’s cock.

“Fuck.  Your mouth feels so good,” Calum whined, biting his lip to keep from being too loud, though he so wanted to.

Ashton picked up his speed, using his hand to make up the rest that he couldn’t take into his mouth.  Calum nearly came then and there when the tip hit the back of Ashton’s throat, causing him to gag slightly.  Though he wanted to, Calum knew he wouldn’t be able to hold on much longer, especially with the way Ashton was moving his tongue against him.

“Ash, m’gonna cum,” Calum whispered, just loud enough for Ashton to hear.  The final push for Calum was when Ashton took him into his mouth again, allowing the tip to hit the back of his throat despite the gagging it caused him, the sensation sending Calum over the edge.  With a whimper of Ashton’s name, and a final tug on the older man’s hair as he came, Ashton working him through it.

Once Calum had come down, he pulled Ashton in for a kiss, smirking against his lips, “Definitely wasn’t the way I was expecting my first week to go.”

Ashton chuckled, helping Calum get redressed, “Well, welcome to the team Fonzi.”

“Fonzi?” “Dunno, when you came in you kinda reminded me of Fonzi from Happy Days,” Ashton said with a small giggle, pressing his lips to Calum’s once again.

“Please, you’re more like Fonzi.  I’m like… the b-list Fonzi, a Bonzi if you will.”

“Bonzi and Fonzi? I could get used to that.”

regular tag list:  @haikucal​ @talkfastromance4​ @softbabiestan​ @boyfriend-cal​ @calum-uncrowned​ @wildflowerirwin​ @irwindoll​ @gosh-im-short​ @thesubtweeter​ @heavenisapeach​ @ridingcthood​ @loveroflrh​ @mantlereid​ @inlovehoodx​ @irwinkitten​ @n-ctarinenga​​ @g-l-pierce​ @thecurlsofgod​ @idontneedanyone​

event tag list:  @maluminspace @5sosnsfw @punkrockpreferences @castaway-cashton @readyplayermike @gigglyirwin @sexgodashton @5-secondsofcolor​ @mysticalhood​ @mermaidcashton​ @koalacal​ @loveroflrh​ @calumsmermaid​ @wildmichaelflower​ @goth5sos​ @h0tsos​ @fallinluke​ @jae-writes-fanfiction​ @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles​ @sublimehood​ @shal-pal​ @cashtonasfuck​ @kingcals​ @calumcest​

[aloisofmissouri]

A Journal Entry

July 20th, 2021

11:44pm

Trigger Warning:

 Sexual Assault, Self Harm,Mental Health, physical health, and occasional swears.

Dear Reader,

I’m only eighteen but I have experienced a lot, and so have many other teens I know. I know at least four of my classmates have been raped at some point in their life. And who knows what others may have been through and I never knew. 

But I’m not writing to share their story, unless they decide that they want their story told. As of now, I am writing to share my story. 

So, let's start with my earliest memory.

My earliest memory is watching Elmo and Little Bear from my crib in the living room when I was probably a toddler. I don’t remember much, other than enjoying the cartoons. It was happy and innocent. One of the few childhood memories I can look back on and smile. 

I was really young when I was first raped. First raped, you caught that part, right? Yeah, I wasn’t raped just once, but multiple times by one man. The man I had grown up calling my father. The man on my birth certificate. I’m not exactly how old I was when it started, but if I had to guess, I was probably in the first or  second grade when it went past the occasional groping and lewd comments. 

Near the end of third grade, my mother decided to take me and my sibling to live with our grandmother. But that didn’t last long.

We ended up moving back in with our mother and abusive father when I was in fifth grade. I didn’t want to but my father manipulated me into doing so. He threatened to place a restraining order on my grandmother when I wanted to stay with her. 

Things were miserable and the abuse continued. But luckily I was able to go back to my grandmother by sixth grade. But I still had to deal with what happened.

I believe my grandmother meant well, but she use to tell me not to let people know what had happened to me. She said that no one would want to be with someone who was raped because a lot of people view them as used or damaged goods basically. 

My grandmother was a bit emotionally damaging, though I know she more than likely didn’t know that she was being so. I have reason to believe that she has dementia and possibly a personality disorder. 

I remember her saying that I shouldn’t wear plaid or spotted clothing because it would make me look bigger than the broad side of a barn. She also told me to stay away from bright colors because they would have the same effect. I refused to stay away from plaid though, I kept that jacket from middle school until junior year when I could no longer zip it. But it took me a long time to wear bright colors, and it is still hard. I also have a hard time feeling comfortable in my own skin, and not just because of the occasional comment about my weight from my grandmother, but also because of the abuse I had dealt with from my father. I spent the majority of school always wearing jeans, jackets, and dark clothing. I didn’t feel comfortable wearing shorts. And I’m still getting used to wearing them. 

I had to go to court in middle school. Someone had apparently turned my father in for what he had done to me (I was living with my grandmother again by then) and we still do not know who reported them. I wish I could thank whoever turned him in. 

Sadly, they only gave him three years despite the evidence. And he was only going to have to serve one and a half years because of the amount of time spent in a jail cell waiting for court that kept getting rescheduled. He died of stage four lung cancer though before he was half way through his time.

My freshman year I finally realised I had anxiety and that there was something definitely wrong with me mentally. By my sophomore year, I was self harming and in counselling and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, OCD, and Anxiety. By junior year I was on a lot of medication thanks to a pill happy psychiatrist. And I was miserable. But thankfully, I found a new psychiatrist who quickly helped me get cut down to just one pill. Near the end of junior year, I quit self harming. And I also finally started to get a bit of control over my mania and my depression.

I have a Google Doc somewhere that has over 150 pages of poetry, and the majority of it is about depression, trauma, and anger. And they were all written during middle school and highschool. Writing poetry helped me then. Now, I don’t really write poetry anymore. I have only written a handful of poems within the last year. And they were mostly in Shakespearean English because I thought it would be fun.

I believe I might have religious anxiety. I don’t remember the technical term though. I grew up going to Baptist Churches and had a heavy christian influence. But sadly, Christians aren’t quite as christian as they are supposed to be. 

Due to being constantly worried about sinning and about being too filthy and being damned to hell, my depression and anxiety got to me from a different angle. I kept breaking up with everyone I dated if I feared we were getting too close. I would either feel like I wasn’t good enough or I would fear that we would have sex and I would be damned. I also hated myself for my sexuality, though it took me a long time to figure that out. I supported my LGBTA+ friends but when it came to myself, I couldn’t accept myself. 

When I self harmed, I would do it because I felt filthy and had this urge to scratch my skin off my body because I never felt clean. I never hurt myself too severely, just scratches and shallow cuts on my wrist and my thigh. But I still found it hard to quit. It became far too easy to always turn to the blade, regardless of if I was feeling filthy or if I was dissociating or if I was having a panic attack. 

Despite what had happened to me, I’m finally starting to become me. Even though I am still discovering who I am. I quite self harming, I don’t have quite as many panic attacks or nightmares, I lost my virginity, learned I am demisexual (leaning a bit towards asexuality though) Panromantic and Nonbinary. I also discovered I have some other health issues outside of my mental health. I am apparently allergic to alphagall, peanuts, and wheat. Thankfully I just get slightly sick if I eat those things though, but it is still a bit annoying when those things are basically in everything you like to eat. 

I also found out that the reason my menstrual cycle has always been so irregular is because I have cysts. Originally I thought I had PCOS but now after some ultrasounds, it is looking like Endometriosis. I have cysts on my uterus and my ovaries. The doctor told me that my insurance should cover the surgery if I were to get a total hysterectomy. 

I never really wanted to give birth so that part of this doesn’t bother me, my fear is that there will be issues from the surgery. And it has also spurred some identity issues. But so far, I am sticking to they/them pronouns. Even though my family still calls me she/her. But I haven’t really come out to them. They know I’m not 100% straight, but who wants to sit down and explain to their grandmother (who dropped out of school in eight grade to care for her grandma, has a flip phone, and just a few years ago decided to accept the lgbt+ part of her family) that I’m nonbinary? I barely manage to explain to my mother (highschool dropout because of pregnancy, has a touch screen phone and understand some things of the current century) that there is more than just straight, gay, and bisexual. I explained to my mother the other day what omnigender and nonbinary is. Had to explain transgender to my mother when I was a junior and introduced her to a friend of mine who was afab but went by he/him pronouns. 

I suppose that despite all the shit I’ve been through, at least my mother doesn’t give two flying fucks who I like. When I told her that I thought I was pansexual in middle school, all she did was ask me what that meant. Then she just nodded her head and went with it. Same thing when I decided I was Wiccan in middle school. She even bought me a pentacle necklace and every book (mostly fantasy) that mentioned witches. I no longer identify as Wiccan, I mostly just stick to animist. But my point being, my mother didn’t throw a fit when two of her nine kids came out as gay. Even if she does identify as a Saturday Adventist, she supports us. She even listens to me ramble about mistranslated things in the Bible and my views on theology. And my rants about Supernatural. Though she did laugh when I spent about an hour crying after the Supernatural second to last episode of season 15. She did listen to me rant about Castiel and the plot lines and everything. Though I had to keep explaining some of the characters to her. 

Despite the things I’ve been through, I managed to graduate high school, survive my severe depression and anxiety, and now I am thinking about possibly applying for Law school and going to college. And I now also have the confidence to do what I want and wear what I want. Though I still feel all nervous about asking out a girl I’ve been friends with for about three or more years. I’ve now made the excuse to wait and see if she mentions not being completely straight. Oh, and she now has a boyfriend too so yeah, gonna have to wait a bit.

Until next time,

Alois 🐧

[thespacenico]

Hi! I just saw your post about asexuality and wanted to share for a sec!! I'm a trans queer guy who happens to be ace as well. I've not thought about it much actively, but I've never really considered myself as part of the lgbt community for my asexuality mainly because it's something I could keep to myself. Being trans was obvious for a while and will always impact me visibly. If I'm in a queer relationship, that's visible. Both have brought me far more strife than my asexuality (although with what you mentioned in your post, I'm sure my situation factors into that). I guess I've always separated my identities; if I want to talk about ace stuff (which is rare, to be fair) I'd go to aspec specific spaces. Otherwise, I go to more generally queer spaces. I mean this in a fully respectful way because I'm interested, but why do you group your "aceness" with your lesbian identity? I have interacted with other ace people outside of the internet and their perspectives wildly vary. I will say anecdotally that the "het" aces I know that consider themselves lgbt for their asexuality often speak over me on queer and trans issues. Personally, I feel there exists a deeper systemic issue regarding trans and queer discrimination than ace discrimination which is part of why I don't immediately consider my asexuality as lgbt or those heteroromantic people as lgbt. In another regard, asexuality obviously is a sexuality (as you mentioned), but I've found with the way my identity blends together, it just makes more sense to talk about that specific part of it with other ace people. I think I see the ace spectrum as a separate thing to measures of the types of people I'm attracted to and the type of person I am. Levels of attraction vs. identity and types of attraction in terms of identity, ya know?? I hope this doesn't sound aggressive!! I really want to hear more about your perspective as a fellow ace person. Most ace people I do regularly speak with who see themselves as lgbt choose that community because that's where they first learned about the label. Feel free to disregard all of this because I know it's long!!!

hi! thanks for sharing! you brought up a lot of good points so i’m gonna try to acknowledge/respond to all of them best i can! for the record, i think it’s worth pointing out that we’re both ace, but since it’s a spectrum there’s a really good chance that even we don’t experience it the same way, which is why discussion amongst the actual asexual community is super meaningful compared to discussion amongst allo people who have a very limited knowledge of asexuality to start with. all that being said, here’s my perspective on things! 

I've not thought about it much actively, but I've never really considered myself as part of the lgbt community for my asexuality mainly because it's something I could keep to myself. Being trans was obvious for a while and will always impact me visibly. If I'm in a queer relationship, that's visible.

that’s fair! i agree that it’s something we can keep to ourself, but why do we have to (or choose to) keep it to ourself? the why probably differs for most aspec people. in my case, i’m pretty vocal about my asexuality (on twitter at least), but in real life where i’m surrounded by straight cishet allo people, i keep it to myself because they wouldn’t understand it in the slightest, many of them would think i’m just trying to be special, etc. not only am i assumed to be straight (i’m not), but i’m also assumed to be allosexual (i’m not).

visibility is an interesting topic too because i think that’s when we veer into conversations about things like “straight-passing,” “cis-passing,” etc. at home i’m mostly still in the closet, but my identity is still very much real. it may not always be visible, but it’s definitely there! a visibly queer relationship is just one way our identities are put on display. but even then, sometimes two lgbtq+ individuals can be in a relationship and it’s not visibly queer — for example, two (or even one) bi people in a m/f relationship. to people outside of the community especially, it doesn’t look like a queer relationship, but it very much is.

all that to say, asexuality often isn’t visible per se, but there are many other identities that also lack visibility under certain circumstances, in a sense. that’s why i don’t personally consider visibility very much!

Both have brought me far more strife than my asexuality (although with what you mentioned in your post, I'm sure my situation factors into that). I guess I've always separated my identities; if I want to talk about ace stuff (which is rare, to be fair) I'd go to aspec specific spaces. Otherwise, I go to more generally queer spaces.

i can’t speak on your trans/queer experience specifically (and i’m sorry for the trouble people have given you for them), but this is also where i would personally say that just because asexuality doesn’t cause you as much strife as your being trans/queer, doesn’t mean that it’s not important or any less valid as part of your overall identity. asexuality aside for a moment, the lgbtq+ community has been historically oppressed and discriminated against, basically even before its official inception. this may not be realistic, but let’s say that 100 years from now, we're finally free of that oppression/discrimination. we don’t suddenly lose our place in the lgbtq+ community, do we? oppression doesn’t have anything to do with the validity of our respective identities, if that makes sense. other identities aren’t more or less valid depending on how oppressed they are. that’s my opinion on that! and like you mentioned, i think our personal situations definitely do affect our experiences in general. 

when it comes to talking about ace stuff, i think the point is that lots of us within the lgbtq+ community sometimes separate our identities in different ways, even those that aren’t ace, because there are often specific spaces within the community itself. sometimes lesbians need lesbian specific spaces, sometimes bi people need bi specific spaces, sometimes trans people need trans specific spaces, etc. it’s always much easier and more validating to talk to people who share your experiences. like you said, there are also aspec specific spaces! and yet, everyone within one of those specific spaces can have very different identities. as an ace lesbian, i might engage in a lesbian specific space without ever needing to talk about my asexuality, or engage in an aspec specific space without ever needing to talk about my lesbian identity. i’m not necessarily talking about every part of my identity all the time, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. 

I mean this in a fully respectful way because I'm interested, but why do you group your "aceness" with your lesbian identity? I have interacted with other ace people outside of the internet and their perspectives wildly vary.

i think that for me specifically, i feel like my asexuality plays a veeery big part in how i experience attraction in general. i used to id as bisexual, but after a while i realized i wasn’t attracted to men at all and so began to id as lesbian. it wasn’t until then that i realized i was also ace, and that honestly threw me for a loop because for a while it made me wonder if i was bi after all (i’m not, but i thought about it for a while!). technically speaking, there are other labels i could use to describe my attraction, such as sapphic asexual or homoromantic asexual, although i think for the latter sometimes it depends on how a person feels about the split attraction model and how it can be applied. 

either way! it’s my experience that asexuality significantly influences how a person experiences attraction compared to allosexuals. i’d say that’s the main reason i “group” my aceness with my lesbian identity, because to me they’re intertwined.  

you’re right though about how the perspectives of ace people wildly vary! it’s super interesting to hear from other ace people what their thoughts are. i think for me it comes down to the fact that some ace people may not need a space specifically for their asexuality, and that’s okay! like you’ve mentioned, they typically don’t experience the same level of discrimination, at least not in the same ways, and sometimes it wholly depends on the kind of people you’re around and whether or not you’re out. many ace people do experience discrimination though and desperately do need that space, and i don’t see why the lgbtq+ community shouldn’t be for them as well, considering. there are certainly differences between issues involving asexuality and other identities like gay, lesbian, trans, etc. but there are differences between issues involving specifically those identities as well, and certain similarities between all of them.

I will say anecdotally that the "het" aces I know that consider themselves lgbt for their asexuality often speak over me on queer and trans issues. Personally, I feel there exists a deeper systemic issue regarding trans and queer discrimination than ace discrimination which is part of why I don't immediately consider my asexuality as lgbt or those heteroromantic people as lgbt. In another regard, asexuality obviously is a sexuality (as you mentioned), but I've found with the way my identity blends together, it just makes more sense to talk about that specific part of it with other ace people.

i know how frustrating it is to have people talk over you about issues that directly impact you and not them, and i’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that. i do think however that this sort of thing happens even within the lgbtq+ community all the time. this is in no way a justification or excuse for the people who have spoken over you, but just a comparison. i’ve seen tons of conversations (usually on social media) where lesbians will speak over bi women on bi issues, non-lesbians will speak over lesbians on lesbian issues, cis people will speak over trans people on trans issues, etc. it’s frustrating in any case, and it typically has to do with the fact that there’s a certain level of ignorance for almost everyone when it comes to an identity that’s not theirs. (am i making sense??) i even see allo people speak over aspec people on ace issues all the time as well. tldr - i’m not saying there’s not a specific underlying issue with the “het” aces who have spoken over you on those issues, but you can definitely draw comparisons to certain circumstances elsewhere within the community.

i 100% agree with your point that there is a much deeper systemic issue regarding trans and queer discrimination than ace discrimination. i think my view on that pretty much goes back to what i said earlier about how i don’t think discrimination or oppression determines the validity of an identity as an lgbtq+ identity. regardless, like you said about how you feel that it makes more sense to talk about your own asexuality with other ace people, i think sometimes it just comes down to how we perceive/experience our own identities! i often feel more isolated due to my asexuality more than i feel isolated due to my being a lesbian. that may not be the case for all aspec people, but it really impacts me personally.

I think I see the ace spectrum as a separate thing to measures of the types of people I'm attracted to and the type of person I am. Levels of attraction vs. identity and types of attraction in terms of identity, ya know??

that’s also fair! i think in my mind it’s just that aceness is part of my identity/is its own independent identity regardless of who i’m romantically attracted to. my asexuality would still exist whether i’m also a lesbian or not. i just happen to personally combine my identities (aka ace lesbian) because they’re both there and they influence each other. 

Most ace people I do regularly speak with who see themselves as lgbt choose that community because that's where they first learned about the label.

i’m glad you brought this up at the very end too!! i first learned about the label from the lgbtq+ community as well, but it took forever for me to realize that it described me. in my experience, asexuality is crazy misunderstood both in and out of the community. it took me weeks to months of doing my own research on asexuality to understand what it really is, and even then that there’s a spectrum. in regards to everything about this post, i think where an ace person falls on the spectrum might be a big factor that plays into what their experience is like and whether they feel they need a space like the lgbtq+ community. either way, the fact that most people first hear about asexuality from the community and the fact that we have our own flag and everything really speaks to all this. why not choose the lgbtq+ community since it’s already here, that’s where asexuality is often talked about, and that’s where people understand what it’s like to experience attraction that differs from the norm? 

anyway those are my thoughts!! it’s nice to be talking to someone else who’s actually ace rather than feeling like i’m having to preach to allosexuals who don’t think my asexuality matters period :’)

[queerpsychopomp]

Revelations

A/N: Written for bi visibility day, featuring bi!nb!Sirius figuring out he’s bi, bi!Marlene, and supportive Marauders! Partially inspired by this art by @gin-draws

AO3 | Masterlist

Sirius knew something was off with him while hanging out with Benjy Fenwick. James was busy with quidditch practice, and both Remus and Peter landed themselves in detention after completely buggering up what should have been a simple snack run the night before — served them right for not bringing him back some brownies — so Sirius found himself spending the morning with the Ravenclaw boy. 

They hung out in the library of all places, Benjy trying to finish his Charms essay while Sirius was flicking through his history of magic textbook, trying to get himself to care enough about the giant uprising of 1305 to start his essay, which technically was two days late, but Binns forgot to ask the class for them and no one bothered to remind the ghost so it wasn’t really his fault.

Benjy looked over when he sighed for the millionth time and grinned a little. “You were just bragging that you were the top student in your year, but here you are being defeated by one tiny essay.” 

Sirius looked over, something witty on the tip of his tongue, before faltering. Maybe it was the way that the sunlight filtered through the window to make Benjy’s brown eyes light up, or how when he grinned he had a dimple on his right cheek, but Sirius’ tongue felt heavy in his mouth and he just shrugged lamely in response. 

Thankfully Benjy just raised an eyebrow and let it drop without comment, possibly thinking that flipping through the textbook had made his brain foggy the same way history of magic lectures did. 

The interaction haunted him for the next week and he thanked Merlin and Morgana that the professors started their tirade of assigning extra homework in preparation for the NEWTs, which meant that they couldn’t hang out for a few days while Benjy drowned in the mountain of work.

Sirius thought about it long and hard. He knew something was always a little different about him, but did he fancy blokes? What even qualified as fancying someone? Sure he had thought of people as attractive in passing but he never really found himself interested in dating. It wasn’t like people didn’t think he was attractive, quite the opposite, it spurred many a rumor about his love life in the past, but he never really had a girlfriend before. Or a boyfriend. He never felt the same way about someone that James felt about Lily, as obnoxious as he was about it.

He needed to talk to someone. Not the boys. He was sure that they’d be alright with the whole maybe-liking-blokes thing but he wasn’t absolutely certain and it would kill him if they reacted badly.  He couldn’t get rejected by them, he would never recover. So when Marlene asked if he wanted to work on their potions essay together, he agreed. Partially to try and talk to her about the mess he found himself in, and partially because he missed her; Marlene being friends with Lily, and James being, well, James meant that their friend groups couldn’t quite hang out together without risking someone getting hexed. 

Besides, she was gay, she wouldn’t judge him for being gay too.

So that’s how he found himself lounging on the couch in front of the fireplace in the common room after supper, Marlene swatting at his legs every time he stretched out too much and knocked at the textbook on her lap. Chocolate frog boxes littered the table, sacrificed to fuel their essay writing. He was fiddling with one of the cards — Morgan le Fay again — when he mumbled, “I think I might be gay.”

“That’s nice,” Marlene said, scratching her head with her quill, clearly not having heard him properly. 

“Marlene.” 

That got her to look up from her parchment. Noticing the look on his face, she closed her textbook, tossing it and her half finished essay aside. Turning to face him properly, she set her head on her knees, brown eyes looking into grey in a way that made Sirius feel like she was picking at the fabric of his very being, pulling the threads apart and examining them thoroughly before weaving them back together. The light from the fireplace flickering in her eyes and casting shadows on her brown skin made her look like she was some ancient all-knowing witch in a play doing just that. It should have made him nervous but Marlene proved time and time again that she wouldn’t hurt him even though she could. Besides, James trusted her and that was enough for him.

She nudged him with her foot, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Hey, what’s up?”

“ I think I fancy Benjy but I don’t know because I don’t really fancy people and it’s confusing because maybe I’m gay and I don’t know how they boys will react and—”

“Oi, slow down a little,” she said. “Take a breath. What were you saying about Benjy?”

He took a deep breath before trying again. “I mean we were just studying together and I looked over and it felt like I had cotton in my mouth. Obviously he’s a good looking guy and I like hanging out with him but I wanna do more than just hang out with him. I wanna take him to Hogsmeade and hold his hand and snog his stupid face when he grins and that fucking dimple shows up,” Sirius ranted, keeping his gaze fixed on the card in his hand. 

“So you fancy blokes.” No question, no judgement. Just a statement.

Sirius shrugged a little, running a hand through his hair. “I mean- I fancy Benjy. And Puddlemere’s captain is fit. Guess I do fancy blokes,” he mumbled. “So I’m gay?”

Marlene shrugged a little. “If you just fancy blokes, yeah.”

“Like how you fancy girls.”

She blinked, tilting her head a bit to the side. The corner of her mouth curled up a little and there was an amused glint in her eyes that confused him. “I’m not gay Sirius. Yeah, I fancy girls, but I fancy guys too. Well, I can fancy anyone. Stuff like that doesn’t really factor into who I like all that much.”

It was his turn to tilt his head. He imagined he must look something like Padfoot in that moment, the gears in his head churning. “That’s an option?”

Marlene laughed, but there wasn’t any malice behind it. “Yeah, it is. People aren’t just gay or straight. They aren’t even just boys or girls, though that’s an entirely different conversation. They can be bisexual, like me.”

Sirius nodded a little, thinking it over some more. Marlene watched him, not saying anything as this revelation threw him in for another loop. “I think Benjy Fenwick’s fit the same way I think Angela Wilson is fit.”

“Angela Wilson’s out of your league.”

He laughed, the tension he didn’t even know he was holding in his shoulders melting away, and kicked Marlene gently. “Rude.”

“I’m rude? You kicked me!” she laughed, shaking her head. When their laughter died down a little, she asked, “Would you shag Angela Wilson?”

“Course, she’s stunning.” He set his head in his hand, thinking for a moment. “I liked what you said, that you can fancy anyone. I mean, I’ve fancied girls before, and guys but I never thought it meant anything. I didn’t think you could like both. I’m bi.” It felt good to put a word to how he was feeling, that other people felt like he did and — and it wasn’t wrong. 

Marlene smiled, grabbing a chocolate frog from the table and tossing it to him. “Welcome to the club Sirius.”

He caught it easily, smiling a bit. “Thanks Mar. I owe you one.”

“Great, you can help me finish this stupid essay then.”

After cursing Slughorn for assigning the stupid essay at least a hundred times, Marlene and Sirius said their goodbyes and made their way up to their respective dorms once it was finished. Sirius paused outside the dorm, sighing a little as he listened to James and Peter arguing about who ate the last cauldron cake in their collective stash, neither of them suspecting Remus, whom Sirius had seen snatch the cake before going on his prefect rounds yesterday. He knew that they wouldn’t look at him differently and that he could wait to tell them, but he was rubbish at lying to James and they would notice that he was a bumbling mess around Benjy soon enough. Besides, he wanted to tell them, wanted them to help with how to ask Benjy out, wanted to listen to Peter and Remus shoot down all of James’ ideas because they’re too over the top.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and stepped inside. His face must’ve looked serious, because the bickering stopped when James looked at him. “What happened?”

Sirius shook his head as Remus looked up from his book, setting it aside. Kicking off his shoes, he went to sit beside James on his bed, facing the others. “I, uh, I need to talk to you guys. Everything’s fine, it’s just—”

“Never thought I’d see you tongue tied mate,” Peter teased in an attempt to make him feel more comfortable. He gave him a quick smile before running a hand through his hair.

“You can tell us anything you know,” Remus said gently. 

“I know. I’m, well, I’m bi. I’m bi and I’m almost certain I fancy Benjy Fenwick and I really don’t want anything to change between us because you guys are the only family I’ve got and… yeah,” he finished lamely. The dorm was quiet for what felt like ages as what Sirius said sank in and with each passing moment he could feel his heart sinking until—

“We can finally tease him about fancying someone,” James said, bumping his shoulder. “After all the grief you gave me-”

“To be fair, you deserved everything you got Prongs.”

“Oi! Uncalled for Moony!”

Sirius smiled to himself as another round of bickering started, this time between Remus and James. When he finally looked up from his hand, Peter gave him a small smile.

“You know we love you, right? Nothing’s going to change that.”

“I know. Thanks Pete,” he smiled before nodding to the other two. “Right, should we break this up?”

Peter sighed, shaking his head. “I’m not sure we can.”

Sirius smirked a little and quickly said, “Remus ate the last cauldron cake,” just to see the chaos unfold. The result was immediate.

“Moony!”

“I can’t believe this betrayal— I told you I wanted that!”

“How could you Padfoot! They never would have found out if you didn’t say anything!”

The fight lasted well into the night, resulting in a very rushed morning, which was usually fine, but this time it meant that they were sprinting to the Great Hall to snatch whatever they could before booking it to McGonagall’s classroom. 

Once again, that would have been perfectly fine if Sirius didn’t forget that McGonagall had warned him twice before that he would get a detention if he wasn’t wearing his uniform properly.

“Mr. Black, this is the third time in the last two weeks I’ve had to talk to you about the dress code,” McGonagall sighed when he walked in, wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt that the boys had gotten to him for his birthday last year. “I’m afraid you’ll be having detention with me tonight after dinner. If your uniform is not up to code tomorrow, you’ll have detention for the rest of the week, is that clear?”

“Yes professor,” he said, waiting until they sat down before elbowing James, who was barely stifling his laughter. “Shut up.”

“I’m not saying anything—”

“Mr. Potter, please refrain from talking while I’m teaching, unless you wish to join Mr. Black in detention.”

“Sorry professor.”

Sirius smirked at him before paying attention to the lesson, the inklings of a plan forming in his mind.

-----------------------------

“Are you sure about this mate? You could end up with a week’s worth of detention,” James said as they walked to Transfiguration the next day. Sirius shrugged a little.

“Well I’m wearing the uniform properly, it should be fine,” he said, shrugging a little.

“If you get away with this, I’m eating my bloody tie.”

“I’d like to see that,” Remus mumbled to Peter, who chuckled a bit. 

“Where did you even get the uniform?” Peter asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I asked Marlene if she’d loan one of hers to me.”

The three boys walked in ahead of him, Sirius waiting a moment before stepping inside.The usual background chattering before class stopped at the students saw him before McGonagall did. 

The woman turned around and was met with the sight of Sirius wearing the girls uniform. “Mr. Black, what did I say yesterday?”

Sirius shrugged a little. “You just said my uniform had to be up to code… and it is.”

Now, he would swear until the day he died that McGonagall cracked a smile at that before turning to the blackboard to start the lesson. He was already in a good mood after his victory, and Remus and Peter continuously making jokes about James now having to eat his tie, but the thing to push him over the edge happened as they were walking to lunch. 

“Look who’s coming our way,” Remus mumbled, nudging Sirius. 

James raised an eyebrow and looked around before grinning and elbowing Sirius. “Look out lover boy-”

“Lay off James. Come on, both of you walk ahead,” Peter said, pushing Remus and James towards the hall and away from Sirius. He was confused only for a moment more until Benjy came into view.

“Hey Benjy.”

“Hey,” Benjy grinned a little, running a hand through his hair. Curse him and his stupidly cute dimple. “So it’s true.”

“What, the uniform?” Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow. “Does the whole school already know?”

“Well gossip does spread quickly,” he said, shrugging a little. ”I wanted to see if it was true. It’s a good look.”

“Well I do have the legs for it,” Sirius shrugged with a grin, heart skipping a beat. 

Benjy laughed and Sirius could tell that he was absolutely gone for this boy. He’d have to figure out if the Ravenclaw was interested soon, because this was killing him.

“Right, well, I won’t keep you from lunch anymore. I can still sit with you lot for the game, yeah?”

“Course, the boys won’t mind.”

Sirius was in such a good mood afterwards that he didn’t care that the boys were teasing him about the dumb look on his face, or that he got some less-than-friendly looks from some of the students. And if he was being honest, he liked the girls uniform, but there was no time to unpack that. Not when he had to figure out how to ask Benjy out.

------------------------------------

The Christmas holidays were fast approaching and for once, Sirius was excited for them. For starters, he would be going home to the Potters to celebrate as a family. Marlene was going to visit around the same time as Remus and Peter so he’d be able to see all his friends without having to sneak out of his bedroom window. 

Oh, and he and Benjy had been dating for three weeks now. So yeah, things were going very well for him. 

But the uniform incident was still stuck in his head.

“Sometimes I wish I would wear girl clothes,” Sirius mumbled as he laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. It was two days until they were going home for the holidays, so the boys were all in the dorm, packing their things. Well, all of them except Sirius.

“You can if you want,” Remus said, glancing up from his trunk.

“And we’ll hex anyone who’s an arse about it,” James added. 

“No, I mean it’s more than that,” he sighed, frustrated with himself and trying to figure out how to say what he was feeling. “Sometimes I feel like, well, like a girl, but sometimes I feel like a boy, and then sometimes I don’t feel like either, that I’m just me and — nevermind, this is dumb.” 

Sirius pushed himself up and, ignoring the calls of his friends, went for a walk to get rid of his pent up energy. The boys didn’t talk about his outburst earlier and Sirius appreciated it. James chucked Benjy’s scarf at his head to remind Sirius to pack it and everything was forgotten.

Well, he thought everything was forgotten.

He knew something was up when James hovered at his door after Christmas dinner, fidgeting like he did when he was hiding something. Sirius raised an eyebrow, looking up from his magazine about motorbikes they’d picked up during their last trip into town. “You can come in Jamie, no need to look like I’m going to toss you out.”

“Right, sorry,” James said, coming to sit on the bed with him, hiding something behind his back. “Mum and Dad are gonna call us down to open presents once the rasmalai is done, but I wanted to talk to you first.”

“Okay,” he said slowly, looking at him carefully. James was never this unsure and it was starting to worry him. “Mate, if something’s wrong, you can talk to me, okay?”

“Yeah! I mean, no, everything’s fine with me, I just needed to— ugh,” he sighed, running a hand through his hair, making it stick up in all directions, looking much too stressed for someone wearing snitch pajama pants. “Remember what we were talking about before the holidays?”

Sirius furrowed his brow a little before realizing what he was talking about and nodding a little. “It was nothing Jamie, don’t worry about it—”

“No, it was obviously important to you,” he cut across, shaking his head. “The boys and I did some research and think that what you were talking about sounds like being nonbinary. Like, your gender changes and your pronouns change— or maybe not!  And— fuck, Moony would’ve been better at explaining this,” he muttered. “But does that sound right?”

Slowly Sirius nodded a little as he thought about it more. “Yeah. I mean, most days I just feel like me, y’know? I don’t really think about myself as a boy or a girl until I do and, well, I don’t know.”

“Right. Would you maybe want to go by, shit, what did Moony day? Oh! By they/them pronouns instead of he/him?”

“Sometimes.”

“Okay,” James said before shoving a box into Sirius’ hands. “It’s from all of us. I figured you might want to open this up here.”

Sirius just raised an eyebrow at him before looking down at the box. It was small, which meant it was probably another ring to add to his collection. Opening it, he found a black ring with a clear stone set into it. “It’s a ring.”

“Put it on.”

“Alright, pushy,” he teased a little, sliding it on. It was a perfect fit of course; the boys probably nicked one of his to make sure it was the right size. “It’s nice, thanks mate.”

“Hold on, it’s special. Think about what you want to be called.”

He raised an eyebrow, but did just that. As he did, the clear stone turned red, like a ruby. All he could manage to say was, “What?”

“We enchanted it. Red is they/them, blue is he/him, and purple is she/her,” James explained quickly. “This way we don’t have to bother you all the time asking what you want to go by. We made a bunch of little cards that explain it too, so you can give them to other people without repeating yourself—”

Sirius cut him off by pulling him into a hug, smiling into his shoulder. “Thanks Jamie, it’s perfect. Remind me to thank the boys when they come over.”

James smiled and hugged them back. “Course mate, you’re family. We’d do anything for you. And if you want, we can go to Diagon Alley this week and get you another uniform. My parents are gonna be supportive, so don’t worry about that.”

“I’d like that.”

----------------------------------

Sirius made their way to McGonagall’s office the first evening they were back from the holiday break, knocking lightly. They let out a breath when she said, “Come in,” and stepped inside. 

Now that they were here, doubt was starting to creep in. What if McGonagall thought this was all a lie? Or that they were being dramatic, or that this was a phase? Sure, the boys, the Potters, Marlene, and Benjy all took it well, but this was different.

“Ah, Mr. Black. Sit, have a biscuit,” McGonagall said when they stepped inside. Setting her work aside, she looked at Sirius while they sat down, noting that they were once again wearing the girls uniform. “What can I do for you?”

Sirius fiddled with their ring for a moment, trying to figure out how to start. “Well, I figured out over the break that I’m nonbinary and sometimes I have different pronouns. James, Remus, and Peter enchanted this ring to change colours based on what I want to be called. Here,” they said, handing one of the cards the boys made to her.

“I see,” she said, looking at the card before looking at their ring. “I’ll make sure all the professors are notified. If you run into any trouble, you come straight to me, understand?”

Sirius couldn’t hold back the grin that spread on their face. “Of course. Thank you professor.”

McGonagall waved off the thanks. “Now, take another biscuit and head to your dorms. You have my class first thing in the morning and I expect you to be on time.”

“Yes ma’am.”

When Sirius showed up the next morning and said, “Good morning professor,” they weren’t sure what to expect. They didn’t exactly want to be called Mr. or Ms. Black, but what else would she call them?

McGonagall took a moment to look at their ring before responding, “Good morning Sirius. Make sure Mr. Potter doesn’t fall asleep in my class, will you? It looks as if he’s already drifting off.”

Sirius grinned a little and nodded. “Of course professor.”

[xfanfics]

Destiel Fic Rec List Part 7

Last Updated in October 2014. Posted in May 2020 for posterity.  Listed in no particular order - the total rec list will have ~250 fics. Header graphic used with permission.

This part of the list contains: 39 fics.

Other Destiel Rec Lists: [1]. [2]. [3]. [4]. [5]. [6]. [7].

Bare Your Throat and Have Me by highermagic E | 4k | AU, PWP,  a/b/o

Castiel and Dean have only been mated for a few months, but Dean knows how this goes by now.

Deterioration by highermagic E | 33k | Hot,  AU, Cop!Dean, Mystery

Dean has a gift – he can see things. Things that others wouldn't see, motive and calm control between the splatters of blood and fractured mirrors. He solves crimes others simply can't. When bodies are piling up all around him, Dean starts to feel as though he's drowning in it, falling under the weight of his own helpless observations, until he finds something unbreakable. Unwavering. Castiel – if only the man was as good for him as he appears.

Try Something Tuesday by almaasi E | 48k | Fluff, Teacher AU, Librarian Cas

Human AU. Dean Winchester teaches a third-grade class. He's new to this whole ‘bisexual’ thing - but by pure happenstance, he meets Castiel: a particularly dapper male librarian who moonlights as a substitute teacher. Dean's curious and Castiel is willing, so why the hell not? Except, fate never intended it to be one-time-only.

Angel-Cuffed by Luciel89 E | 15k | CANON!verse

Dean wakes up to find himself handcuffed to his angel. Both are annoyed, Sam finds it hilarious and awkward situations await them. But the longer they're tied together, the more things between them start to change...

The Bet List ❤ by StevieCas M | 55k | Fluff,  AU, Underage, wing!kink

"That bet list was the worst thing you've ever come up with, Gabe. If it wasn't for it, I would never have thought about such things. It's bad enough being an earthbound angel, it's bad enough being considered a weirdo even by angel standards. Did I have to be gay as well? Do I even represent a minority or is it just me out there?

I love the world of this fic--and Dean and Cas' relationship dynamic is perfect.    

Ad Astra ❤ by nhixxie T | 17k | Angst

One day Cas says, "Stars died for you, Dean Winchester", against ruffled hair perched atop sun kissed skin and sleepy eyes. Dean stirs, moving to spread his palms against the contour of Cas’ back, tips of fingers languidly strumming the indentations of his spine. One, two, three, four, he counts, the closest he could get to scientifically studying the anatomy of the human body. "Is this some physics crap again?" He frowns with eyes closed. Cas smiles softly. "Far from it. "Dean’s fingers play at the base of his back, ninth thoracic vertebrae, Cas notes. "Then tell me all about it.”

Read it and weep. If this were published, I would buy it.    

Sensitive by nevergotwings E | 1k | wing!kink

Curiosity sparks when Dean gets the urge to touch Castiel's wings.

An Exercise in 'Worthless' ❤ by beastofthesky

M | 26k | AU, Tattoos

"I mean, you’re–" He gestures at Cas, in his neat oxford shirt and nice pants. “–and I’m a high school dropout who tattoos for a living." Wherein Dean makes a hefty living as a tattoo artist who owns the space next to Gabriel's cafe. Sam attends the local university. When Gabe's cousin comes to live with him while starting grad school at Sam's university, Dean thinks for sure that all his negative karma's coming to bite him in the ass because Cas clearly has a thing for Sam. No one would ever choose him over Sam. That's just logic.

Perfection everywhere. Dean's lack of self-worth is explored, and there are tattoos.    

Of ties and wings by perpetuallycaffinated E | 4k | Hot,  PWP, wing!kink

Jealousy, ties and and impatient angel. Also, wings.

pie | by perpetuallycaffinated E | 3k | Hot,  PWP

Dean uses pie to eat out Castiel. That's pretty much it.

I Say, But I Mean by inplayruns T | 4k | Coffee Shop AU

Dean runs a bed & breakfast. Cas works in a coffeeshop.

Heavenly Delights by TamrynEradani T | 2k | Fluff, Coffee Shop AU

Gabriel owns Heavenly Delights, the coffee shop Cas works at and on the day before Thanksgiving, Cas sees someone looking down so he brings him a hot chocolate, and Gabriel conspires to get them together.

New Eyes by ozzutly E | 1k | Canon!Verse

Dean sees Castiel's true form. He decides he likes it.

Resonance by definitely_indecisive G | 1k | Canon!Verse, Soul Bond

The battered and abused presence had poked warily out, almost as if expecting harm. He let his grace drift forward to meet the soul instantly, putting off all of the warmth he could muster. The presence seemed to stutter for a second, before melding itself into Castiel's grace. He allowed the soul to do so, cradling it with his core. He could feel the tiredness and abuse from the poor thing, yet also the amazing light it gave off as it started to slowly heal because of his grace. He could tell this was the most unique soul he had ever met, and that he wouldn't forget the feeling of the presence for all of millennia.

My Roots Take Flight by KismetJeska M | 125k | Reverse!verse, s4 AU

After forty years in Hell, Dean’s more than willing to accept the offer: become a guardian angel and earn his freedom. But his new ward seems destined to hunt alongside Sam, and there are secrets in Heaven that the angels don’t want found out. Dean’s going to have to choose between his duty and the people he loves- and to work out just where Castiel fits in.

Angel Airlines by dancingloki E | 19k | Hot, Airline AU

Dean is an airline pilot with a raging hard-on for his head flight attendant. Fluffy fluffy fluff.

El Tango de Amor by literaryoblivion E | 16k | AU, Fluff,  Angst,

Every Tuesday and Thursday, Dean leaves, is gone for two to three hours, and comes home sweaty and exhausted to the apartment he and his brother Sam share. Sam had asked him where he went once, and Dean had said he was working out, which technically wasn’t a lie. What he was doing was definitely giving him a workout, just not in the traditional sense. In all actuality though, Dean was leaving every Tuesday and Thursday for a dance class. A dance class taught by a one Castiel Novak.

Ugly Sweater!Verse ❤ ❤ by nerdylittledude E | 193k  | Canon!verse,Fluff,  Post s5

If they really go back and think about it... it all started with a tree. A Christmas tree, that is. Castiel is human now, and the apocalypse is not only over, it's been averted. Sam's away at NYU, finally finishing law school, and Dean's stuck in what is probably the most awkward situation of his life. He's not exactly sure how he ended up sharing a flat with Cas in Media, Pennsylvania, but he does know the curious would-be angel is sort of derailing his plans for a life of decadence and booze. Cas is trying to make the best of his humanity by exploring human holidays. Dean can't exactly complain because he's pretty much the reason Cas got his wings clipped in the first place. Dean didn't actually want to fall in love, but how was he supposed to know it would all start with a goddamn tree?

 My favorite fic ever. I don't know how many times I've read it. There is switching, fluff, angst, and slow building romance. I will rec this forever.    

More Than Alien Mojo by remivel

E | 29k | Men in Black AU, Fluff,

Dean was one of Men in Black's best agents. In fact, he's been knee deep in extraterrestrial crap his whole life, and he's gone through more apocalypses than he could care to remember. He thought he's seen it all-- until he and his partner, Sam, were sent out to a routine meteorite crash inspection. What was supposed to be a meteorite turned out to be a golden spaceship, and instead of hitchhiking intergalactic pathogens, it was an alien that took the form of a human male. A very naked human male. Soon, they discovered that this alien named 'Castiel' was a refugee from a war-torn galaxy.The first of his kind to ever venture to Earth, Castiel agreed to share information about his galaxy and his race in exchange for his relocation on Earth. The only catch was: since Castiel was a new alien species, nobody knew what he was capable of, whether he was as harmless as E.T., or as dangerous as the Predator. And it was Dean's job to keep an eye on him and assess just how much of a threat Castiel could be, and if necessary, eliminate him. It wasn't a job Dean was looking forward to doing. Especially since he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off him, naked or not.

Come On With the Rain by remivel E | 36k | High School AU, dubcon

When Castiel was 15, his life changed. In one tragic instant, he lost his parents, and he was forced to live with his Uncle Bobby in Lawrence, Kansas. There he met the Winchester boys, Sam and Dean, who were living next door. He thought Sam was pleasant, and Dean, well, Dean was special. Three years passed and Castiel’s relationship with the boys developed in an unexpected way. Sam became his best friend. But Dean was a different story. Dean was not Castiel’s friend. He was a neighbor, a classmate, the brother of Castiel’s best friend, and the guy who worked part time at his uncle’s salvage yard. That was all. But on the rare times that Dean asked Castiel for help, Castiel couldn’t find it in him to turn him down. Because this was Dean. And the answer would never be “no” when it came to Dean.

Crossroads State by Mercy M | 51k | AU

Castiel has a nice predictable structured life teaching high school, even if he happens to be overqualified for it. Then this guy moves in around the corner and literally knocks him on his ass.

Heart of Glass by omphalos E | 17k | Canon!Verse

He's the one who was punished, severely, because of his feelings for Dean, but who still gave up everything for him in the end. Surely there should exist between them a better level of comprehension than this.

Domesticated by kototyph E | 15k | AU

Being the only angel in the entire Pacific Northwest can be tiring, even if these days Castiel spends more of his time shoveling manure than fighting off the hordes of hell. It's an occupational hazard, unfortunately; he earns most of his living rehabilitating wild animals a few miles outside Spokane. Wild animals like Dean, for instance— a mountain lion who's entirely too smart for his own good. There's a man in Castiel's dreams named Dean too, but that part's just a huge coincidence.

Excite by perpetuallycaffinated E | 3k | Crack, wing!kink

"Sam Winchester, I am going to carnally worship your brother whether you are in this room or not.

Snapshots 'Verse ❤ by highermagic E | 60k [WIP] | AU, Wing!kink, a/b/o, omega!dean

A series of one-shots following the meeting, courting and eventual love between an Angel doctor named Castiel and an Angel teacher by the name of Dean.

Less of a WIP, more of a series of one-shots. Rowan's worldbuilding is lovely, and the sex is perfect as usual. EDIT: Apparently this has been removed.

Angel's Wild ❤ by riseofthefallenone E | 389k | AU, H/C, Wing!kink

But that’s the whole reason he’s here, isn’t it? He’s not out here hunting Humans. He’s not even hunting deer, or bears, or anything else that featured in Bambi. He’s out here, freezing his nuts off every night, because he’s hunting Angels. Sometimes Dean wishes that Angels were like how they’re described in the Bible. How people from time too old for him to care much about thought Angels were messengers and warriors of God, protectors of Humans. He knows that how they’re really described in the Bible is actually pretty terrifying, but at least they were told by God that they’re supposed to love Humans, right? That’s a thousand times better than what Angels really turned out to be.

Perfection. Go read it now.    

Sharing Hands by almaasi E | 6k | Hot, Canon!Verse

Dean feels something strange when he touches himself, and realises Cas has been using him as a vessel ever since he came back from Purgatory.

The Good Samaritan Rule by manic_intent E | 6k | AU, wing!kink

Written for deancaskink: "Dean and Castiel are both angels and brothers-in-arms. During a battle, Cas's wings get hurt and [it's] up to Dean to help him out. In the process, Cas finds out how sensitive his wings are and well Dean is Dean no matter what his form [is], so this leads to lovely first time sex." God never made humans. Instead, he made the angels in his image, and on the sixth day he made the is him, and gave them free will.

How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam) ❤ by Vera_Dragonmuse E | 69k | AU, Sam/Gabriel

In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean's angel rather sooner than intended.

Out of the Deep ❤ by riseofthefallenone E | 488k | AU, h/c

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep. It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep. Castiel should have listened better.

It's long, but worth it.    

Feathers by brightly_lit M | 90k | Angst, Wing!kink, D/s

In an alternate season 5 scenario, Dean, Sam, and twenty of their closest hunter friends stopped the apocalypse by closing the gates to heaven, hell, and purgatory. Now working with his former hunter buddies at Ellen's security company, Dean doesn't know what to make of his weird new coworker who always wears a trenchcoat and leaves behind feathers everywhere he goes. He especially doesn't know that, cut off from the power of heaven, the constantly falling feathers mean his new friend is dying. "Creation cried out against the injustice of a righteous man in hell. I answered its cry.

Vita Nuova ❤ by wordaccordingtofangirls M | 61k | Teacher AU

AU. Dean Winchester takes a job as a teaching assistant to get his little brother into a prestigious academy. He doesn't quite expect such long nights and snobby kids, but the real surprise is professor Castiel Novak: or falling in love with him, that is.

Like a Parched Land by twoskeletons E | 8k | reverse!verse

Written for the following prompt: "Reverse!verse: Castiel is the Righteous Man and Dean is the angel who drags his ass out of Hell." This is an AU version of episodes 5x01 through 5x03.

The Cabin by bookkbaby E | 16k | Canon!Verse, Wing!kink

For an angel, the building of a Nest is sacred. Dean doesn't understand. Written for the 2013 DCBB.

Pies and Prejudice by linoresearch E | 97k | AU

Dean didn’t even want to enter this damn competition. He was happy with his life, more or less. It might not look like much from the outside, or to a younger brother headed towards a big time law career, but it wasn’t so bad that Dean needed to scrabble around for any opportunity to make a change – particularly not one as stupid as this. He’s going to throttle Sam the next time he sees him, for getting him involved in this ridiculous Bake-Off TV show. It’s bad enough that Dean has to cook in front of people he doesn’t know; he now has to go through the humiliation of being judged on it too. Its humiliation piled on humiliation, and to make matters worse Dean has to play nice with all the other suckers involved, like that rich dick-bag Castiel Novak. God, he hates that guy, and he hates that someone so awful has such a frustratingly fine ass. Written for the Dean/Castiel Big Bang 2013

The Breath of All Things ❤ by KismetJeska T | 65k | AU, H/C Angst,

Dean Winchester was twenty-six years old when a car accident killed his father and left him paralysed from the waist down. A year and a half later, Dean is in a wheelchair and lives in a care home in Kansas, where he spends his days waiting to die. It's only when Castiel Novak starts volunteering at the care home that Dean starts to wonder if a changed life always equals a ruined one.

So angsty, and so, so perfect.    

All the Way ❤ by cadignan E | 81k | College AU

Castiel spends the first two weeks of college in much the same way he spent the previous years: alone with his books. He’s fine with it—he enrolled in college to learn, after all. Then in his first chemistry lab, he has the bad luck of being paired with snide, good-for-nothing Ruby, and the further misfortune of sitting behind Dean Winchester, the world’s most beautiful distraction. Ruby catches Castiel staring at Dean and makes him an offer.

Destiel, Actually by Bloodism E | 15k | Crack Fluff,

Picture your typical rom-com cliché. Now picture Dean stuck in that rom-com cliché. With Castiel. Because that's what happening to him - a crazy whirlwind of your typical-and-not-so-typical cliché's. He's playing the main lead in all of them and Castiel's his counterpart. Of course, the culprit is obvious. Gabe's enjoying himself too much, lying back on his favourite cloud with a tub of salted popcorn. It was about time someone kicked the two knuckleheads into gear.

Suburban War by squeemonster E | 100k | High School AU

Moving to Lawrence with his family is the most significant event of Dean Winchester's life. It brings a stability he's never known, and the only thing to have more of a profound impact on him is Castiel Novak: the two boys become fast friends the day they meet. But as Dean grows older, he dreams for something beyond the monotony and constraints of suburbia, and he is haunted by the inexplicable feeling that he was born for something more than what this life offers. As he struggles to reconcile the person he yearns to be with what his family and friends expect of him, a fateful choice exposes just how fragile his life in the suburbs is, and possibly risks losing the best friend he's ever had.

[queenitn]

So...I just found something that I'd written one night at like 4am a month into lockdown.

It's pretty much a very unnecessarily angry rant.

I can probably contradict half the stuff I say in it myself. It's just...kinda rude in places and when I'm thinking straight there's some parts I don't really agree with myself. It's not aimed at anybody and I'm definitely a hypocrite but I'm gonna post it anyways so go wild I guess.

So I recently took a stroll through Stucky fanfiction on ao3. For a while there I'd been avoiding it, and I'd nearly convinced myself that my mind was exaggerating the whole bottom!Bucky/top!Steve thing but yeah, I'm not.

Normally, I'd say who tops or bottoms doesn't matter. It's pretty irrelevant. But... since the majority of the fanfictions clearly prefer to write bottom!Bucky, obviously, there is some significance. Wouldn't the proportion be more equal if it truly was irrelevant?

Besides being annoying as fuck, it's also pretty interesting I guess. I have nothing else to do so I'm going to be ranting about a lot of stuff.

So, I mostly try to look for bottom!Steve, right? Because that's what I like. I read a bottom!Steve fic, then I say, "Hmm, this author seems to like bottom!Steve, maybe they've written more?" I go check, and I find...mostly bottom!Bucky, with maybe one or two more bottom!Steve.

It's fine the first few times, but after a while it's honestly weird. Clearly, a lot of very good authors have no problem writing bottom!Steve. They just happen to write more bottom!Bucky. As far as I can tell, that's pretty much the common trend. But why? What exactly does one think while starting a new fic, going all, "Hmm...I think...this time.... we're gonna have bottom!Bucky again." Again and again and again until it's most times.

Why is bottom!Steve so fetishized? I don't mean the fics that actually have a dom/sub element. I mean just pure bottom!Steve itself. Why does it have to be some sort of rarity?

As far as I know, there's...really nothing in canon indicating who would likely top or bottom. (I mean yeah, I do believe that canon Bucky is more likely to want to dom than canon Steve, but that's different.)

So, what is it?

Sure, Steve is taller, has a deeper voice, more muscle, a beard....but those are just physical things. They don't actually have anything to do with taking or giving.

Besides, he used to be small before. Is that what this is about? Previously tiny man likes to be in control? Likes to...what? Prove he's a manlier man? Bullshit. Besides the fact that it's bullshit, it also doesn't seem to fit with canon Steve.

The "Sometimes I think you like getting punched" and the "And you've got nothing to prove" make me think that his proving himself had less to do with showing his dominance and more to do with showing his endurance. I'd say bottoming is exactly what he'd want to do.

Besides, wasn't that exactly what made his relationship with Bucky special? The fact that he didn't have to "prove himself" in any way? Bucky already knew his worth.

Is it because Steve likes to give orders? Some sort of "Oh, this guy was always meant to be the leader"? Well, there's a huge difference between being a leader, giving orders in a battlefield...and giving orders in the bedroom. And I'm pretty sure top/bottom preferences would be completely unrelated to who's the boss at work.

But nevermind that, as far as I can tell, sure Steve gives orders, but he also looks to the people he trusts for guidance. The best example is Nat. The thing that makes their friendship so goddamm precious is partly in the way he always glances at her for confirmation before making a decision. Isn't Bucky sort of like an Ultimate Nat with sex benefits?

Nevermind that too. Steve bossing people around is great, but that's not the point, is it? The point is does he enjoy it? I think, the only movie where he did look like he relished his power was TFA. I'm pretty confident that's because of the novelty of his new strength partially, and partially also because of the rush caused by his back to back successes. Why? Because he never seems to take that kind of enjoyment again. As opposed to...maybe Sam? The guy who gets his literal wings back after (presumably) years and lets out a whoop after being chased by the missile thingies. Sam's joy doesn't wear off. Steve's does.

Is it just me, or has this skew towards bottom!Bucky actually increased over the years? Why? I can say a few things on this.

First, maybe people need to remember a bit more that Sebastian Stan is not Bucky Barnes. Chris Evans is not Steve Rogers. And Steve Rogers is not Captain America.

No matter what you think about the actors, the characters they play are separate. Please.

Second, there is a very interesting theory that exists which says that the reason why Bucky is so popular in the fandom is because his character arc is relatable to women and the queer community in the fact that it's about him regaining his stolen agency. Which is true.

Does this have anything to do with him bottoming though? I mean, I don't know. Fanfictions are important because they allow us to explore ourselves, whether it's our sexuality or our trauma that we're trying to figure out. In that way, it makes sense that maybe we will tend to write Bucky as a bottom more often. Except no.

Partly because, having had bad experiences at a young age myself, and being queer myself, I do not relate to Bucky. And hypothetically speaking, I would totally bottom for Peggy or Bucky, but I would rail the absolute shit out of Steve. I canNOT be the only one.

Partly also because yeah, a lot of fanfiction is projection, which is good for the soul, both yours and mine, but not to the point where we create a fanon version of the character completely different from the canon one. Yeah, you could say that canon doesn't really give us much of a character, but clearly they give us something and we have to build up on that right? It's true for both Bucky and Steve. Bucky barely has lines, but his actions speak enough. There's an absolutely breathtaking character waiting for you in canon if you really want to look. As for Steve, let me just say, sass and the tiniest little hints of PTSD do not make a whole character. Marvel fucked it up, but this goes for the fandom too (this is keeping in mind that Steve technically has three movies dedicated to him and Bucky doesn't)

Stop treating Steve like your personal punching bag, Stucky fandom.

It does happen, if we project our bad experiences on Bucky, Steve often naturally fills the role of the clueless/mildly asshole-ish love interest. Not too much of an asshole though, clearly you love him.

That's fine. Fanfiction is about self expression, but should we lose sight of the canon characters that we loved so much in the first place? And isn't fanfiction just as much about exploring those characters, as objectively as we possibly can?

Another thing related to that...why do we only have to identify with one character? I don't know how to put this, but there's a thing called halo effect and I think that's kind of what happens (I'm not a psychologist).

You see something in Bucky. And then you start to attribute more and more things to him that may or may not actually exist. Like yeah, he's fullfilling the traditional love interest role in Steve's movies, but that doesn't automatically mean he's a bottom. The two things are... actually entirely unrelated. They're only related in your mind. And similar to that, when we see one thing in a character that we identify with, we kind of want to see even more things in them we identify with, but it doesn't have to be like that. That's not how any person works, and it's not how any fully developed character works. You can relate to both the characters in different ways, no need to dump it all in one.

Ok, another thing, that I don't like to think about but it's occured to me and I don't like it. So, Steve is generally coded as a bisexual, right? And Bucky is coded as gay. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and think about whether you're unconsciously assuming that the bi guy isn't going to want to bottom. I'm a bisexual woman, I will top Steve. I kind of resent this.

Going off on another tangent, I have also delved into Stony on my quest for bottom!Steve. Pretty sure there's even less of that there. Why??? That's crazy.

Normally, I'm pretty sure Tony would be coded as the top. He's much older, richer. He clearly has control issues. That's one of his defining features. Control. (I don't mean that in a bad way.) So....what exactly do Bucky and Tony have in common besides dark hair and short hight? The only thing I could come up with was thotiness. They're both shown as Thots. Is that it? The Thot Bottoms? Ok.

Is it the whole energy thing? "Bucky has bottom energy"? Does he? Can you argue with me if I say that TFA Steve has bratty bottom energy? That TFA Bucky goes from service top energy to mean top energy? Pretty sure that's subjective. But what exactly are we seeing differently here? I'm honestly asking.

Bucky's character is ridiculously strong, stronger than Steve in some ways (besides probably physically). Specifically, it's because of his ability to not only survive, but heal. Can we acknowledge how crazy that is? He's just fucking buying plums, but that's still more than we've ever seen Steve do. You can say his trauma is greater, but it looks like his coping ability is greater too. So is that what this is? Steve doesn't cope. Instead he focuses on external things like being Cap, Hydra, Bucky. I wouldn't call that a healthy way of living...but it's romantic, right? Neglecting to take care of yourself? No, actually avoiding taking care of yourself by focusing entirely on another person? Is that it? We're romanticizing unhealthy behaviour?

Is it because you feel more for Bucky, wearing his hurt on his sleave, versus Steve who wears it hidden under his skin?

Am I allowed to believe that Steve's ultimate shield isn't the vibranium one, but Captain America himself?

That's just me getting off track and mildly pissy but the point stands. We like seeing Steve in control. He wears it well. He's good at it. But that's just not that relevant. You don't just boss poeple around in the bedroom because you're good at it, you have to want it too. Would he want it? Is a commanding voice really an indicator of a person's desire to command? Can we really say because he's usually the one giving orders (because that's his actual job), that he likes it too? Does he look like he especially likes it? No.

I've been around fandoms long enough to know that all fandoms always have a preference regarding who ultimately tops or bottoms. This isn't the first time it's bugged me, but it feels more this time because I just don't see it. And it makes me angry because it contradicts what I feel, are the best parts of the characters. No, Bucky bottoming isn't the contradiction..but all this that I wrote, the connotations of this kind of coding, the underlying thoughts.... some of it is just not nice, but some of it opposes the little things that humanize these characters. It wouldn't matter, except that it wouldn't have happened at all if it didn't matter.

It's not just what happens to them in canon that matters so much. It's also what they choose to do for themselves when they have the chance. It feels like they made their choices and half the fandom ignored it. "Nah man, you'll look better at the bottom. Look at that hair."

Because ultimately, that's what it feels like to me. A mixture of not thinking too much about it (though I know this post probably counts as overthinking), some wierd internalised heteronormativity, and I don't know what just kind of fucks with all of us. All I know is that I hate it. I hate it.

It's not the bottom!Bucky I hate, it's the underlying, unthinking assumptions. The way it's a foregone conclusion. It's not. I really just want to be able to read the goddamn fanfictions again without wanting to tear my skin off.

( You can help by giving reccs)