#can’t believe that this time when I was having my mental breakdown my brain was like

[shkudss]

Weakened by Eywa Pt. 1

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Masterlist

Summary: Ao’nung finally realizes that his actions have consequences

Warnings: curse words, bullying, mental breakdown, English isn’t my first language

Author’s note: it my first Avatar writing, so I hope you like it! This idea was spontaneous and I’m not really good at writing, but I hope you’ll enjoy it! I’m still learning how to use Tumblr properly since I don’t really use it 🥲

Yawntutsyip - darling, little loved one

Yaymak - foolish, ignorant

You thought that all these days when you flew to the water clans were the hardest in you life. Little did you know that life with Metkayina would be harder. You expected to finally live a normal life, doing your chores without being sacred to be shot by sky people. Now you’re safe, but things didn’t get better.

Since your arrival, these boys were bullying all your siblings, including you. You have no idea why it is important for Ao’nung to see totally similar to him Na’vis. You all are same avatars with slight differences that were unavoidable due to the environment you’re supposed to live in. Oh, yeah… supposed to live.

“What are you even doing here?”

“You’re so useless to our tribe”

“Go back to your monkey house”

All these words almost engraved in you mind without leaving space for other thoughts and hope. It’s been two weeks since you arrived and you still haven’t ridden an Ilu successfully, you can’t hold your breath as Metkayinas do. This makes you feel horrible and believe all these mean words.

“C’mon, Y/N, you can do it!”

Neteyam is trying to teach you how to deal with ilu and his voice is so calming, he really believes in you as an older brother. You wish you could just believe him, but insecurity lays too deep and securely in your mind.

“I don’t know… I can’t…”

Your voice was really soft and quiet as you’re the calmest child in your family. You don’t like loud sounds and fast actions. That’s just the way you are. Neytiri says that Sylwanin was just like you.

Despite being slower and more sensitive that other Sullys they loved and protected you with all their heart. Jake knew that Kiri and Tuk are different, they can deal with their problems a lot easier, while you cannot. When something bad to your family or yourself happens, you worry a lot and you won’t tell anyone about your worries unless they make you to. That was the hardest part of you character.

“Hey, are you okay? Do you need to take a break? We can continue tomorrow, don’t worry yawntutsyip.”

Neteyam was worried about your mental state, you were too quiet these days and it never meant anything good. Trying to make you speak about your feelings was completely impossible. You always think that your family has too much to worry about to burden them with your own issues. You want to be like Kiri and Tuk. That’s hilarious, Tuk is way younger than you but she’s able to deal with her emotions way easier than you.

“I’m good. Can we just take a break for like half an hour? I think my brain melts.”

You awkwardly smiled at the end trying to lighten the mood. Neteyam smiled back, feeling relief as you seemed to be just tired. He didn’t want you to hide anything from him and your family.

“Okay, yawntutsyip. I’ll go find Lo’ak and make sure his ass hadn’t get in trouble again. Kiri is on that side of the beach by the way. You can join her, she’s probably flirting with plants again. Let’s meet here in an hour.”

You laughed at his little joke about Kiri. But that’s a fact. Since you arrived here all she’s been doing is examining all local flora and fauna. You missed your time together in the forest, maybe now you’ll have a chance to talk and just be together.

“Okay!”

“Tell me if something goes wrong.”

You knew this look. The big brother look. Sometimes you think how hard it would be for you to live without your family, the way you’re connected to them something really fascinating. And one of your love signs is time. Spending time with your family and each member is the way you show love, the way you feel protected and loved.

You see Kiri laying down in water and looking for something. She didn’t see anyone around, attracted by… water? You didn’t try to understand what’s going on in her mind.

“Hey, pandora geek.”

You stood in front of Kiri and the shadow from your body covered her. Only after that she raised her head and squinted at you.

“I thought you’re with Neteyam. What’s wrong?” She sat on the sand, water was covering her legs a little. You did the same thing, hugging your knees and placing your head on them.

“We took a break, my brain doesn’t work properly. I still can’t ride ilu.”

Hopeless sigh made your sister chuckle, but then she saw your eyes. They were full of sadness, you were not happy. Kiri felt guilt, as your sister she had to be with you, she forgot that Sullys stick together.

“What bothers you?” You were not sure if it’ll be okay to tell her everything. But you family always encourage you to speak what lays in your heart, so you decided to do it.

“There’s a lot… I miss home, I miss flying with you, Neteyam and Lo’ak around Hallelujah mountains.” You were vulnerable now and this is one of those rare moments when you opened your feelings easily. Kiri was the only one you did it with. You could feel tears coming to your eyes, you needed this. “I just miss our way of life. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to get used to it. Especially, when you always hear…”

“Hey monkeys! Still can’t ride ilu? How can you be so yaymak? You’re both freaks!” you could recognize this voice in millions. “One sister has demon blood, another is too dumb to do things that even infants can do!”

Ao’nung and his friends were coming towards you. Kiri’s body immediately tensed, you could feel it.

“What do you want? Is there nothing to do?”

Ao’nung and his friends came closer and you both stood up. Kiri was looking at him angrily, ready to fight. You were supposed to have such a good conversation, opening each other your soul, but this bully spoiled everything.

“My goal for now is to get rid of such fake Na’vis like you two and your stupid little brother.”

You were furious, how dare he talk like this about your family. Yes, he did say mean things to you, but he still picked his words. Now it’s too much. Nobody can talk about your family this way.

“Shut up and don’t get close to me and my siblings!” You tried to get into protective sister mode. Kiri was shocked by the way you raised your voice. She’s never heard such tone from you before.

“Look at this! Little girl knows how to talk?” Ao’nung was teasing you and laughing with Roxto and the rest of his friends. “Maybe you’ll learn how to swim properly soon by the time my future brother or sister will turn 10. Hopefully.”

You clenched your fists, trying to hold all your emotions. Anger, offense, sadness. It felt like a hurricane of extremely high spectrum of emotions, which was hard for you to bear.

“Don’t you dare…”

You didn’t control yourself that you were coming closer and pushing him. The reason why you felt this way was in him.

He did this to you.

You didn’t care that he was taller than you and all you faced was his shoulders. You didn’t care that he barely moved as you tried to hurt him as much as he hurt you. All he did was laughing. It seemed like Ao’nung didn’t understand anything you said, like he didn’t see you breaking into pieces right in front of you.

“Calm down, you little skxawng!” It was a joke for him. For you it was your last piece of composure.

“You’re dumb! So dumb that you can’t even understand how much pain you give me! Every day I wish I don’t meet you so you won’t shower me with all your shit! Every night I cry myself to sleep because all your mean words you’ve said hurt me! And you don’t understand me, how can you be so mean?”

You were screaming at him and trying to hit, mental breakdown took over your senses. You could physically feel how your heart hurts and legs weaken. All sounds were heard as if from under the water, you didn’t see what’s going on around you. Someone’s holding your shoulders and pushing you to their chest to not let you fall on your knees.

“Don’t touch her!”

Furious voice sounded from afar. Neteyam. Your brother who always protects you, surrounds you with love you need. That’s why he calls you yawntutsyip. Little loved one.

You could feel your brother as he came closer to you. His steps were as heavy as his mood. When he saw you breaking down in front of this asshole and because of this asshole, he almost lost his temper. The way chief’s son was holding and looking at you, finally realizing that his actions have consequences. He had to drive you crazy to understand it.

“Back off! Now!”

He pushed Ao’nung as he got closer to him, taking off his hands off you. You didn’t realize it was him, who held you all this time. Was it long? Actually, everything happened in less than 2 minutes, but for you it was like an infinity.

“What happened?”

Lo’ak was here, he saw you crying in Kiri’s hands and Neteyam fighting with Ao’nung and his friends. He didn’t need to check on all details to punch Roxto and other guys.

“It’s fine, we’re here. Don’t worry.” Kiri was sitting with you and slowly swaying, while tapping your head to calm you down.

“I’m sorry, I…” that’s all you could say.

Neither you nor Kiri noticed how the fight stopped until Neteyam came closer and examined you. His eyebrow was cut so as his lower lip, but he didn’t care. Now he could feel only your pain.

“Yawntutsyip… my sister.”

“I’m sorry, Neteyam. I didn’t…” You were gasping for breath from crying, not being able to collect your thoughts.

“Shhh, that’s fine, you’re fine. We’re here, nobody will hurt you again.” Kiri gave you to Neteyam, he was calming you down repeating the same moves as Kiri did. You were crying, letting all pain, that was suppressed inside of your soul, to flow through you.

Your siblings knew that you need to feel it to let it go. That is the only way for relief.

“Let’s go home, yawntutsyip?” Neteyam’s voice was calming as always, he hated seeing you crying.

You just nodded in agreement, hiding your face in brother’s neck and holding him as if someone can take you from him in any moment.

Yes, most Na’vis are brave, ready to fight and protect their beloved ones. But you just can’t do it. You are the one who needs to be protected. Eywa created you that way and you can do nothing about it.

“Don’t ever come to our sisters, you little bitch! Are you so insecure that you’re afraid to battle with me and choose those who are weaker than you?” Lo’ak didn’t miss to say the last goodbye before following after all of you. He didn’t wait for the answer, he didn’t need it.

Ao’nung was standing up there and looking as your figures disappear. No words are in his mind, except for one.

“Fuck”

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I hope you liked it! I’m not sure if I’ll write the second part🫣 I have an idea but idk if it’s worth it, we’ll see!

[the-hopeless-haze]

I Do Bad Things With You

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x reader

Word Count: 4.9k

Warnings: smut. nsfw mdni

Summary: You don't feel like you're a good agent. Aaron assures you that you are. And then he fucks you. or inn other words, I think I need someone to study my brain because I did cry in my boss' office for very similar reasons to this and I am very much attracted to her but we did not fuck in her office and she has no idea I want her I just have breakdowns at work because 1) it sucks and 2) I am mentally unwell. I just truly don't know if this fic was birthed from the worst compulsory heterosexuality of all time or if I'm truly just an insane bisexual (I think it's the latter) but when I tell you I have not thought about Hotchner in years I MEAN years. I haven't watched Criminal Minds in like five years until today to write this fic. But like. He is FINE. y'all know. you're here. come for my unhinged summary stay for the smut idk

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“I can’t do this anymore,” you mutter under your breath, hating how the tears fall anyway, how you can’t stop them. “I’m not doing a good enough job. I need to leave.”

“What are you talking about?” Aaron asks you. “Why do you feel that way?”

“It’s just… it’s just I feel like I can never get a grip. Like I can’t ever get everything done that needs to get done. Like I’m not good enough.”

“You’re good enough. You’re a good agent. You come in and you do your job,” he says gently. “I don’t need anything else from you.”

You were usually so put together, so stoic, even, so sure of yourself. He can’t quite believe you’re in his office like this, past the verge of tears, sitting across from him weeping.

“I’m proud of you.”

“For what?” you ask, lifting your head to look at him.

“For the effort you put in. How you’re a new agent and you still proved yourself to my team. You’re living up to your potential and then some. We appreciate you. I appreciate you.”

“You just have to say that.”

“No. I don’t have to say anything. I’m telling you what I see and what I believe. And I’m not letting you quit.”

“But, sir, I—“

“I won’t accept it,” he says firmly but quietly. “You’re too good of an agent to lose. You know this. You know your grades were stellar and your psychology background is enviable. You know you passed every test with flying colors. The adjustment to being a full-fledged agent in the first year is tough, to say the least. It’s grueling. Getting accustomed and used to death, danger and just the pressure of the job is something that not everyone can handle. But you can. I know you can. If I lost you, I’d lose an asset. You’re an excellent profiler. It’s intuitive for you.”

There it is, though, that behavior analyst part of your brain and you noticed how he said “I” and not “we” and how his eyes softened, how he wasn’t looking at you sternly and stoically but there was more of a tenderness in his dark eyes.

He likes you. He means what he says. You know he does.

But that isn’t enough. You don’t believe what he says. You don’t believe you’re worthy. This job takes up so much of your waking hours but when you’re outside of it you have next to nothing. You’re not close to family here in Virginia. You don’t have a significant other. You’re not home enough to have a dog. And you just feel like you’ve been letting yourself go since you only seem to have time to eat, sleep and work.

You’ve always been an anxious person. You’ve managed to quell the thoughts wracking your brain with years of practice and medications to a point where you can function, to a point where you made it through school and made it into the FBI. Impostor syndrome dies hard, though. You keep trying to swallow down your tears but it’s fucking impossible when you’re like this. You dry them on the sleeves of your blazer, biting your lip nervously.

“Don’t cry. It’s okay,” Aaron says, breaking through your thoughts.

“It’s not okay,” you murmur. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I shouldn’t be breaking down crying.”

“You’re human,” he says gently. “This job is overwhelming.”

“It doesn’t seem to get to you.”

“It does. It still does. I… I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you.”

“I just don’t think I can do this, Hotchner. With all due respect, I need to put my two weeks in,” you say, strengthening your weakened resolve.

“No,” he refuses, shaking his head. “What do I have to do to get you to see what I see?”

You sigh, leaning forward and bracing your head in your hands. “I don’t know.”

You feel him before you see him, refusing to lift your head up as the tears started streaming down your face. He kneels in front of you, taking your hands gently from your cheeks, but your eyes are still squeezing shut. “Look at me,” he orders.

“Hotchner, I—“

“It’s Hotch. You know that. Or… you can call me Aaron. Just call me Aaron. Look at me.”

Finally, you blink your eyes open, tears spilling over, and he squeezes both your hands gingerly.

“Good. Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to go home for the night. You’re going to take your mind off of the job. And you’re going to come back tomorrow morning and everyone in here is going to talk about how much you’re missed when you’re gone. Because we all value you. But you need to take the time for yourself. You’re burnt out. You’re not a bad agent. You’re just mean to yourself and you shouldn’t be.”

It’s not lost on you, the way he’s still touching you when you don’t think you’ve seen him so much as brush against anyone else on the team. Is he…?

You squeeze his hands back, forcing yourself to smile.

“There we go,” he smiles back. “See? Do you feel better?”

“A little. Thank you, Hotch.”

“Please. You can call me Aaron in private,” he reiterates. He would have, could have, should have let you go by now. But he hasn’t.

“In private?”

“I don’t let just anyone use my first name. There’d be questions if you started using it especially since you called me SSA Hotchner for months before I got you to just say Hotchner at least. You’re a rule stickler, hm? I think that’s part of your problem.”

“You don’t strike me as the type to think rules are made to be broken,” you counter. Sure. You were a stickler. You were. Deferential to authority - that deserved it. You spoke out, and you would speak out of turn if anything felt wrong or uncomfortable. Rules made things feel safer. Still. You’d call out the unjust. And you think Aaron is the same way.

“Some of them are,” he muses.

“You yelled at me,” you say suddenly. “My third week.”

He furrows his brow, trying to recall the incident you were talking about and then he nods. “You were reckless. You put yourself and Morgan in danger. You walked straight into an ambush. It was a mistake. A rookie mistake. A mistake you learned from. You never did it again.”

“But I—“

“It’s been almost a year since then,” he says, gently. “I don’t hold it against you. I’ve had to pull everyone who works here aside for something. And I’ve been pulled aside myself. No one’s perfect. I… I raised my voice because I was worried about you. Not because I was angry with you.”

“Okay,” you breathe out, nodding. “Okay.”

“I wish you could see what I see,” he says.

“Hm?”

“I see a strong, capable, intelligent young woman who’s an amazing profiler — you can glean someone’s familial background in record time. I see a woman who holds her ground and then some in interrogations.”

“I’m crying in my boss’ office right now,” you titter awkwardly.

“It doesn’t matter. You’re still all of those things. I see a beautiful woman who’s passionate about her career, who wants to do the best she can…”

He trails off. You wonder if he realizes the weight of what he said.

Always walking the line of professionalism. Making any comments regarding your appearance was crossing it, even if it was as benign and modest as “beautiful”. It was still a step too far.

But you, you’re depressed and anxious, and you’ll take whatever you can get.

He’s still kneeling in front of you.

You know it would be stupid, especially when he’s a broken man himself, even if he denies it to everybody. His wife cheated on him. It was hard, with the job, to have a stable relationship with anyone outside of it. You know this. You’re living it.

He’s still touching you and your skin is on fire now.

“I’m sorry,” he says, but he makes no effort to move, no effort to stop staring through your eyes to your soul. Is he profiling you? Trying to see if your breath hitched when he let the compliment slip?

“Don’t be,” you say breathily.

“It was inappropriate,” he says, and he does get up then, wincing at the stiffness in his knees from crouching in front of you for so long. You miss the warmth of his hands already. “You’re dismissed, agent. Go home and take care of yourself.”

Your emotions flip like a switch, it’s just how it’s always been, and you use it to your advantage in a room full of profilers. It’s good to be unpredictable, a wild card. You don’t even mean to. You just are. You can’t help the words that come out of your mouth next. He stood up, so he’s towering over you as you sit in the seat across from his desk, but he’s looking down at you, waiting on your next sentence. And what you say is, “Agent? I thought we were on first-name basis, Aaron?”

It’s the first time you’ve said his first name, and it goes right through him. He wasn’t lying. Not many people do have the privilege to use it. None of his subordinates would be brave enough, maybe not even if he gave them explicit permission like he gave to you. It’s intimate, all these walls up in this bureaucracy that even something as simple as a woman using his first name could drive him up the wall like it would an upstanding Christian man in Regency England. Rules. Rules to be broken.

Aaron whispers your first name, and it’s barely audible, but you hear it in his low, soft baritone. Not the first time, but the only time he’s said it without your last name tacked on the end of it. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what, Aaron?”

You’re teasing, now, and he wonders if it’s just a reflex, trying to gain back some of the power you lost by coming in here crying, or if you genuinely want something from him besides reassurance and a couple of hours off from work. It was maddening at first, trying to figure you out. He still doesn’t know exactly who you are and he’s resigned himself to the fact that maybe he’d never be able to nail you down.

“Don’t,” Aaron says again, looking at you sternly as you stand up.

“What is it that you don’t want me to do, Aaron?” you ask, and you’re still not eye to eye but you’re closer now, and his eyes never left your face throughout the whole conversation anyway.

He says your name again like it’s a curse under his breath. “You know exactly what you’re doing. Stop it.”

“Use your words, Aaron.”

“Stop teasing me,” he murmurs, looking away from you for the first time, down at the floor. You never expected him to be so… shy.

“I’m teasing you?” you ask, feigning innocence. You didn’t have to be a profiler to see how he was getting tenser as you continue this conversation.

“Yes,” he says, looking back up at you, an edge to his voice you hadn’t heard before. “And I suggest you stop.”

“Or else?” you say before your brain can catch up. You’re playing with fire. You know you are.

But you like him. Tall, dark, handsome, nothing like the men you’ve been with before. Other men were intimidated when he walked into the room. And you being you… you always wanted to break him down into a crying, blubbering mess, and be the only one who got to see him like that. Break the stoic wall and get to see him. Human.

And if he was this reactive to you just saying his name?

Lord help both of you.

“Please,” he murmurs. “Go home for the day.”

“Is that to help me, or you?”

He shakes his head, smiling a little. “Perhaps both of us.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t jump at the chance to get my resignation if I make things so… hard… for you, Aaron,” you say, and you move a little closer, his breath hitching audibly in his throat.

Again. He says your name like it’s the worst curse in the book, hissing it like it physically hurts him, and you know, maybe you are.

“A little selfish, maybe. I’d miss you too much,” he admits. “And I meant what I said. I’d lose an asset. You’re a stellar agent.”

You don’t really know what to say, now, but he continues.

“Profile me,” he whispers. “In this moment. What am I thinking?”

“So you don’t have to say it out loud?”

“Mm.”

“You want me, Aaron,” you say shakily, losing your resolve almost as quickly as you gained it back. “I don’t think you’d have to be a profiler to figure that out.”

“Is it that obvious?” he asks.

“Right now… yes.”

“You need me. You need me to show you how valued you really are,” Aaron says, searching your eyes for confirmation that you want this, too. As always, though, you’re unreadable. “Say it. Let me show you my appreciation.”

God. What in the world? Your brain is fuzzy with lust, and never in a million years would you have thought this is how today would’ve gone. Mondays back in the office are always the worst, piles of paperwork from the cases prior to sift through and file and the anticipation of when you’d be on the road or up in the air next always gnawed at your stomach. You fully expected to give your notice and come home crying. You didn’t foresee the prospect of being utterly fucked by your boss who very much did not want you to resign.

You know why the rules are in place. Dating coworkers was messy anyway, never mind dating someone in this line of work. Still… you thought it made sense in a way. The only person who was really going to understand your crazy schedule was someone who was working the same hours.

So you nod, giving him full permission to do as he pleases.

His lips meet yours, surprisingly soft and gentle, akin to the way his hands squeezed yours before. “I can’t believe I held myself back from doing this for this long,” he mumbles against your mouth, then he pulls you in an embrace, leaving hot open-mouthed kisses on the side of your neck where he can reach. “I need you here. I need you to promise me you’ll stay.”

“I’ll stay, Aaron.”

“I’ve wanted your body since the second you walked into this building. I need you. You ground me. Make me feel better, human. Like maybe I could exist outside of the field and outside of this office.”

“Did you know I was struggling?”

“You hide it well. I knew you were frustrated, but the last case was tough and we all are a little on edge. I’m sorry. I should’ve been there for you to lean on, honey,” Aaron says, moving his head back to face you, eyes meeting yours earnestly. “I want you to always come to me if you need anything. Anything.”

You don’t say anything, just hum contently, pressing your mouth back to his for a kiss that starts off chaste and quickly becomes heated, his hands cupping the curve of your ass.

“Answer me,” he says firmly. “Promise me you’ll always come to me.”

“I promise,” you agree.

“Good girl,” he affirms. “You’re such a good girl. Never have to worry about you doing your job. You always get your reports to me on time, you always make brilliant deductions when we’re going over cases, you always make sure the rest of the team doesn’t need anything… such a good girl.”

You kiss him fiercely, the voice in your head screaming he was your boss and both of your careers are on the line if this goes south long silenced. His large hands on your ass pull you closer to him, and you feel his hardening cock against you as he does. “Aaron,” you choke out breathily.

“Feel me? That’s what you do to me, honey.”

You snake a hand between your bodies and palm him through his dress pants, and you can tell he wasn’t expecting that to be your next move from the way his cheeks flush and he groans heavily. “This is about you,” he manages to say, taking your hand away from his clothed cock. “All about you. Go sit on my desk, honey.”

You do as he says, squeezing your thighs together as he follows you and takes his suit jacket off, revealing his tasteful button-down underneath. “Good girl,” he whispers, spreading your legs with hands, kneading the flesh of your thighs as he does so, letting the fabric of your skirt ride up.

And then he digs his nails under the thin sheer of your tights and rips them. “Aaron!” you hiss in surprise.

“I’ll buy you a new pair,” he responds almost dismissively, easing the torn fabric down the length of your legs, kissing the swell of your calves as he takes your heels off and places them on the floor underneath the desk.

“I’m more worried about how I’m going to walk out of here,” you say, smiling.

“I sent them all out on different tasks and told them to get lunch first. They’ll be gone for a while.”

“Did you plan this?” you ask, raising your eyebrows.

“Not exactly,” he smirks. “But now you can be as loud as you need to be.”

“Aaron,” you say, almost scolding, but whatever you were going to say after that is lost in the recesses of your mind as you feel his mouth on yours again, hot and ready, tongue gliding against yours with ease. He shrugs your blazer off, too, leaving you in just a black tank top and your skirt that was hiked up to your waist.

“I believe regulations are to wear long sleeve button-downs underneath blazers,” he says lowly. You know it’s a lie. If Garcia can dress the way she does there are certainly not strict restrictions on what you can wear, even if you’re a field agent. But you’ll play along.

“I believe regulations are not to have your subordinate spread out on your desk in front of you, sir,” you retort.

Aaron chuckles deeply at that. This is how you usually were, sarcastic and snippy, even with him at times. Funny. “Rules and regulations,” he muses. “I think I’m alright with those two being broken.”

And with that his fingers of his right hand start ghosting your cunt, pressing the thin cotton of your panties, groaning lowly at how wet you are. “You’re soaked, honey,” he says. “Can I feel you? Please.”

“Yes, Aaron, please touch me,” you nod.

He pushes aside your panties, slipping his index finger in slowly, catching your lips with his in the process.

“Want to make you feel so good, so much better,” he murmurs, starting slow and building up pressure before he inserts another finger, stretching you out, making you impossibly wetter, reaching depths of you that you couldn’t reach yourself with your much shorter and thinner fingers. “Lift your hips,” he instructs, and in one swift motion, he slips your panties off, pocketing them in his dress pants. “Good girl.”

“Not fair, Aaron,” you say.

“What’s not fair, honey?”

“You’re still fully dressed,” you point out, reaching for his tie to loosen it. You were absolutely soaked, you could feel it, and you wonder if his desk will stain from your slick. You untuck his shirt from his pants and run your hands over his stomach, scars under the pads of your fingers, God, you want to lick every inch of him.

“Mm. I can help you remedy that,” he agrees, meeting your hands when you were halfway through the buttons on his pristine white shirt, pulling it over his head along with his undershirt. You reach for his belt buckle and he stops you. “Not yet. Let me do something first.”

And before you know it his tongue is on you, swirling incessant circles around your swollen clit, and you can tell he’s not taking his time now. He wants to bring you over the edge and fast, and you wonder how long it will be before the rest of the team do return from their extended lunch breaks. You’ve been eaten out before, sure, but to use a cliched metaphor for the umpteenth time in human history, you finally figured out what women meant when they said their man ate them like it was their last meal on death row. You clamp your legs against his head, and he moans, sending vibrations through your cunt, damn near sending you over the edge as you pant and whimper.

“Am I not making you feel good?” Aaron looks up in worry.

“What? Why would you say that?”

“You’re not screaming. I suppose I should try harder,” he says, furrowing his brow and then he adds his fingers back, fucking deep into you. His tongue focuses on your clit and your thighs are shaking and you gasp, no longer able to hold yourself up seated, leaning back and bracing yourself on your elbows.

“Aaron, I’m so close,” you moan, trying to fight the urge to push him away as the pressure builds. You squeeze your thighs tighter and the sudden force of it drags Aaron’s tongue flat against your clit, and that’s what sends you over the edge, whining his name over and over again.

He doesn’t stop.

“Aaron,” you choke out, trying to back away from him due to the overstimulation. “Aaron. Please.”

“You can be louder than that,” he says, not bothering to lift his head, voice muffled by your wet cunt. “I’m not stopping until you reach a decibel level I’m satisfied with. And I will know if you’re faking.”

You’ve never had anyone go down on you for multiple rounds. You were lucky if you came once with previous partners. Part of the reason you never wanted to make a move with Aaron was that you figured he would ruin you for other men.

And God. Were you right.

You only hope you’re ruining him for other women.

You know you’re next orgasm will be embarrassingly close as he never gave you a chance to come down from the first one. You didn’t expect it to come on like it did though, your right hand carded in his jet black hair, just again, him flattening his tongue against your clit as his fingers continued to scissor you open and you can’t help it, gasping for air, shouting, yelling, keening his name. “Aaron,” you plead. “I can’t give you another one. Please.”

“Shh. Good girl. You can and you will. For me,” he commands authoritatively.

And you can. And you do.

The next time, mercifully, Aaron stands up, and leaves you alone to breathe. He kisses you and you taste yourself on his tongue. He’s achingly hard now, a quite visible tent noticeable in his dress pants, cheeks red from exertion, everything from his nose to his chin wet with your slick.

What a vision.

How were you ever going to get this out of your head?

“Can I be inside you? Please?” he asks.

“Yes,” you affirm.

Aaron lets you unbuckle his pants and lets them pool to the floor, helping you out of your tank top and bra, sucking and biting on your nipples and the flesh of your breasts for a few moments before he steps out of his shoes and boxers, completely bare in front of you.

“God, Aaron,” you breathe. “You’ve really been holding out on me.”

“Yeah?” he asks, and his cheeks flush redder. “I could say the same for you, sweetheart.”

“How long?”

“I told you,” he says lowly, lining his cock with your entrance. “Since the second you walked in this building.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” you ask, but it’s a loaded question if not a stupid one. There’s a myriad of reasons why you don’t tell someone who works under you that you want to fuck them stupid. That you like them. That you love them?

You frown slightly. You don’t think you could handle it if this was the only time you got to be with him like this.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, lifting your chin with his thumb. “You promised you would tell me.”

“Is this… is this a one-time thing, Aaron?” You ask tentatively.

“I don’t want it to be,” he answers quickly. “It’d be a daily occurrence if I had my way.”

With that, he grabs your hips, and looks at you for consent, then slams all the way in when you nod in affirmation. Neither of you can help the moans and groans escaping your mouths at that, you from feeling completely full and him being fully sheathed in you.

“I… I love you,” he says, pressing his sweat-sheened forehead to yours. “You don’t have to say it back. I know how dangerous and inappropriate and difficult this situation is never mind adding emotions to it. And I… I’m not good at them in the first place. I just… I just need you to know that. I want to be with you. All the time.”

“Again, Aaron, why did you never… fuck,” you trail off as he starts moving his hips, setting a slow and languid pace.

“I don’t know. I was afraid,” he chuckles.

“Of me?”

“You’re intimidating. You’re beautiful, smart, and capable. To tell you I wanted you…”

“You’re calling me intimidating?” you ask. “You? Of all people?”

“I’ve seen you interrogate. Baby-faced assassin, hm? You’ve shaken some grown men in their boots.”

“Including you?”

“Including me,” he chuckles, then softens. “Seeing you cry like that today… I… it broke my heart, honey. I never thought I’d see you break. I’d do anything to make you never feel like that again. You need to stay.”

“I already promised you, Aaron,” you say, biting your lip as he somehow angles his cock deeper in you. “I love you.”

Kissing you fiercely, he squeezes your hips, and you can’t wait to see if there’ll be bruises there tomorrow in the shape of his fingertips. “God, you’re fucking squeezing my cock, honey,” he grunts, and you feel yourself clench more at his words. You’ve never heard him swear. Ever. “I’m not going to last long if you keep doing that.”

“I’m surprised you lasted this long, old man,” you tease.

“You’d be surprised how much stamina I do have,” he threatens, rolling his eyes at you. “You’ll see tonight when I have more time with you.”

“How presumptuous.”

He scoffs, doesn’t say anything, but starts running over your clit with his thumb, kissing you deeply, fucking you faster and harder, setting a much more brutal pace.

“You just need me that bad, Aaron?” you ask, hellbent on seeing him break. “You need to fuck me all the time now that you’ve had me?”

“Yes,” he pants. “Need you all the time. Every day. Need to fuck this pretty cunt. Make you know you’re appreciated. Valued. Loved. Never want to hear you talk about yourself like that ever again. Not…I’ll worship you. Kiss the ground you walk on. Fuck you until you can’t stand. Whatever it takes.”

“What about you, Aaron? How do you feel right now?”

“So fucking good,” he groans. “So fucking good. Such a good girl. You keep sucking my cock back in every thrust, you feel that, honey? So wet, so warm, fuck, I’d stay inside you forever.”

“Yeah, Aaron? Hmm? I—“ your teasing backfired on you, and before you can think of anything else to say, you come on his cock, your nails dragging down his back stalling his motions to stutters and he’s asking you, begging you, “Please let me cum inside you,” he begs. “Please, honey.”

You nod breathlessly, unable to speak, and you don’t think he’d be able to make it out of you in time completely if you’d said no because you feel his seed fill you as you’re still riding out the aftershocks of your own orgasm and he’s moaning your name in choked sobs and it’s the hottest thing you’ve ever fucking seen or heard.

“I love you,” he whispers, dark eyes looking up at you from where his face now rested in the swell of your breasts. “I love you. And we’re going to make this work come hell or high water.”

“I love you,” you say back once you catch your breath. “Are you still sending me home?”

He laughs. “You look and smell like sex.”

“Do you think you look or smell any different? You did this to me,” you say, messing up his sweat-streaked hair more with your fingers. “I think your boss should send you home, too.”

“Hm. Perhaps I could convince him,” he says, giving you a wide smile.

He helps you get dressed, kissing you wherever he can reach in between and it takes much longer than it would have had you dressed yourself. You’re not complaining. But there’s no fixing your hair or your tattered tights. No fixing Aaron’s disheveled hair, either, or the sweat stains around his armpits from when you teased him for so long.

“Follow me home, honey,” he instructs. “Round two.”

Maybe you should have mental breakdowns at work more often.

[darkchocoboo]

don’t make me lose you. i already found you so late | joel miller

TRIGGER WARNING! SH

Su**ide attempt! Detailed description of how they feel. They’re really in a bad mind-set. If this triggers you please please don’t read. (And remember you worth more than everything on this universe. Please don’t be ashamed and seek for help.)

cw: darkness, anger, MAJOR mental breakdown, curse words, guns

summary: Everything in this world feels fucked up and at some point you can’t take it. But Joel wants you to know that he’ll be there for you everytime you need him. He’s your savior.

A/N: I know everything seems so dark but it will get better I promise.

"Look at me Ellie.  I need you to pull yourself together, okay? Can you do that for me baby? C'mon Els. C'mon babygirl.  We don't have time for that. We can't waste time. Joel is waiting for us. C'mon. Get up. I need you. I need you strong baby. You're stronger than me.  If you break down I break down. We can't afford that. Please, please, please, get up. What we saw in there is not easy on anyone. I know, believe me.  If we had time, I would cry my eyes out here. But I can't, fuck. Fuck this. Fuck me. Remember what Joel told you, Els? Repeat it. C'mon. Say it out. C'mon." You kicked the rocks under your boots.  Hands caressed your hair as you try to hold back your tears.  

"Fuck, Ellie. Say it!" You yelled at the girl sitting on a concrete.

"He, he told me to keep you safe." She wiped her tears with back of her hand. Got up.

You hugged her with pain in your heart. Shook of the guilt and anger that you felt for yourself. You had to be strong for Ellie. You had to be strong for yourself. You had to be strong for Joel. There was no place for weakness.

"Let's go Els. He's waiting for us." You hold her hand as you walked on the concrete road. Sun was setting on the empty road. Gun's strap on your shoulder was cutting into your skin with its weight. Twisted ankle's pain was spreading over your body with every step you took. Blood on your your skin dried with the cold breeze. Ellie was quieter than she ever was. You just wanted to open her brain and erase everything she saw because of you.

Joel asked only one thing from you since the beginning. Only one thing. To take Ellie as he handles other important stuff. And meet him where you decided before. And you fucked it up. You screwed up so bad that now Ellie was hurt. You hurt Ellie. You wanted to grab the gun that was hanging from your thigh, put the tip in your mouth and pull the trigger. Knowing that you failed, weight was crushing you.

When sun was down and weather was cold, your destination was a mile away but your legs was about to give up. The smoke from Joel's fire was in sight in clear air. When your knees gave up and your swollen ankle was in unbareble pain you dropped your body under the nearest tree. You pulled your knees to youe chest, your head falling on them.

"Ellie, you go. I will be there in a minute, okay? Tell Joel I'll be alright. Stay with him. Never leave his side. Run. Go. Signal me when you're with him." Ellie wanted to resist but was too tired to do so.

When she turned back and walked away from you the tears you were holding back the whole time started running down on your cheeks. Leaving a trail of dirt and blood. Fingers brushed over the gun on your leg. Your mind getting dizzy with the idea. Idea of being that. Leaving everything behind. The Clickers, the chaos, the pain, Ellie, Joel.

Joel.

The man who saved you. The man who gave you everything in the middle of nothing. The man of your dreams. The man that you love. You were sure that he loved you as a friend, or a sister, a daugter. But you couldn't help yourself falling for him.  You couldn't stop your feelings for him. That was another topic that you failed him. He protected you from the world like he protected Ellie, but you loved him in a different way. You desired him, even. The way he talks, walks, stands, sleeps, eats. That man triggered something inside you.

It was all over now. Your life was gonna be over in seconds. You pulled gun from its case. Cocked it. Put the muzzle on your temple. Cold from it soothed the thin skin. Your finger walked to the trigger. A small shaky breath left your lips. Eyelids closed with the relaxation. Knowing that everything was gonna be over.  

"Hey! Hey! Put the gun down. What the hell are you doin'?" Joel's paniced voice filled your ears as he panted.

"Put it down. PUT IT DOWN Y/N!" You opened your eyes when he yelled at you. Never stopping tears was now faster. Your eyes started to burn.

"I fucked up, Joel. It's over. I failed Ellie, I failed you. I fucked everything up."

"No, babygirl. No, she's safe. You're safe. We can fix everything else. Give me the gun." He took a step towards you. Your hand raised to stop him from getting closer. You didn't want your blood over his shirt. You wanted him to stay out of this.

"You'll be better of without me, Joel. I'm just a failure. Just let me do it."

"Ellie needs you Y/N. Fuck. I need you. Can't do it without you. Please. Let me help you. Baby, please." His voice was now weak, he looked smaller to you. He mumbled things under his breath but your mind was to busy to understand. Your head started to spin, your stomach was burning up with the intense feeling. You tried to stop yourself from puking but it was to late. Gun dropped from your hand as you leaned over with the gagging reflex. He grabbed the gun as you emptied your stomach. Unloading it with shaky hands.

"You're okay baby. I got you. I got you." He pulled you to your legs, wrapped his arms around your waist.

"You gonna be fine. I got you." He kissed the temple that was touching with the gun's muzzle. "We got this." His hands caressing your back with soothing motions.

"Joel, I," Your tears left wet patches on his dark colored flannel.

"I don't know what to do. I, I can't keep going." He squeezed you more with each of your words.

"Y/N look at me. Ellie wouldn't be here without you. I wouldn't be here without you. You took a fucking bullet for that kid, remember?"

His hardened fingertips found the scar tissue on your shoulder. A spider web shaped, darkened skin. Still hurting everytime you think about it.

"I need you. I need you to be right by my side when I need you the most. Like you always did."

You dropped on your knees, taking him with you. Sharp rocks cut your skin and dig into your knees that your ripped jeans left unprotected. Pain made you sob. Harder than before.

You looked through his dark orbs with dove eyes.

"Is Ellie gonna be okay, Joel?" He pressed his lips to your forehead.

"She fell asleep. You wanna talk about what happened or do you wanna talk when you're better?"

You closed your eyes in pain.

"She saw it. Went into that room before I could stop her. I was slow, Joel. I couldn't protect her. I had one job. I failed. She may be alive but I know it will hunt her dreams for the rest of her life. Joel. I'm useless."

"She's stronger than you think. It's gonna be alright. But, baby I know this is not the only reason. What got you so vulnerable?"

Your nails dig into his biceps. Pain in your heart never going away.

"I don't know Joel. Nothing. Everything. I feel tired. I feel small. I feel useless. I feel lost. I feel alone. Like you have Tommy. Ellie has you. Who do I have? All alone in this fucking fucked up world trying to survive. Fighting for my life everyday. And it all ends up with nothing in my hands. Just more pain in lonely cold nights."

Joel's big hands grabbed your chin to make you look at him. You could see the pain in his eyes under the dim moon light.

"You have me, baby."

His eyes dropped to your scarred lips in the silence of the night. Thumb brushed against bottom lip, looking through every expression on your face for courage to do it.

"Don't make me lose you. I found you so late already."

He pressed his lips to yours. Washing over every feeling away from you for a moment.

[pinazee]

Bounty Hunters!

I just find it so adorable when a kid has bright ass food stains on them. Its like the essence of childhood or something more poetic haha also, this might sound insane, but this is the first ep i could feel that shawn and gus had been friends since childhood. Possibly because they’re nearly wearing the exact same shirts and at the same steps so the parallel is a lot more obvious. Like it just clicked in my brain or something.

I just really liked this shot. That is all.

Shout out to James and Dulés’ stunt double

This is one of those times i don’t envy actors. This looks so uncomfortable. Also, i can’t decide if it’s naivety or arrogance that Shawn would think he could go into this bar and be okay?? I guess you can assume that Shawn knew Tancana would stop them before they caused any serious damage but that one guy was about to hit him with a chain, and its one thing to go into this on your own, its another to bring your friend with you.

A+ scene work from Corbin Bernsen here lol

This is what I do to get my dog to stop eating her toys. Doesn’t work with her either.

One of the few times Shawn kind of loses it with Gus and has to recollect himself haha. Like he’s been frustrated sure, but he usually applies some sort of manipulation. But i really like this scene because usually its Gus thats frustrated with Shawns behavior.

Sidenote: about the super sniffer. I don’t think its that he can smell things others can’t, because Shawn usually points it out and can recognize it, i think the super sniffer is that Gus can break the smell down and put a name to it. Like the gardenias in the perfume, the ginger blossoms in the kangaroo paste. Shawn just knows its kangaroo paste. Idk, i had to think about it at least haha

What a goof. But also, ive started watching Gus while shawns doing his breakdowns and he’s like miming beside him haha if i see it in a later ep i’ll gif it.

Its kind of insane that Bird hands over Tancana and this supposedly alleviates Juliets guilt? Like i get the line she says we all make mistakes as a way of saying Juliet’s forgiven herself, but um, she didn’t really do anything. I wish instead they would have had Shawn notify the cops where he’d be, have lassie ignore him per usual, but let juliet take off on her own (against orders) and save them from bird that way (possibly at the parking garage). This way we can see that she can still rely on her gut and it isn’t handed to her by shawn, kind of like the If You’re So Smart ep, when he solved her case and its somehow a win for her. Its still a sweet gesture that Shawn was cool semi-risking his life (and gus’s for that matter) so she can “save” them and get her good reputation back, even if it doesn’t quite make sense haha

The near kiss was perfection! I think a full kiss would have been too soon, particularly because Juliet was pretty vulnerable just then and it wouldn’t feel right. But the fact that it made juliet nervous enough to start dismantling her gun like she’d been doing all day- fantastic way to gain insight into to her mind and give us the audience hope that the ship would exist. She seems pretty conflicted about him (i think mainly because she doesn’t date coworkers?). I mean, from her perspective, she only know him as immature, irresponsible to a degree, who relentlessly flirts, BUT at the same time is incredibly kind and fun. I would have some hesitation too. Being kind and fun will only get you so far, in my book at least. I also need someone i can rely on to do the boring grown up stuff so im not solely responsible and Shawn just doesn’t come across as someone who can do that (yet). And not to spoil it, but in the bank robbery ep, we learn Juliet likes them mature.

okay. I don’t think this is going to be a popular opinion (just to prepare you mentally) cause i believe everyone loves this scene, and don’t get me wrong i love it too, i just think it doesn’t quite fit in the ep? Like i know shawn was flirty with jules the whole time, and he’s trying to impress her, but it was always jokey and they didn’t really have a solid heart to heart moment, and it pulls away from what Juliet was going through. I think if he’d consoled her a bit, let her know that a mistake is inevitable and assuming that she wouldn’t make any was setting her up to fail, that she was still the smartest, and bravest cop on the force and she should remember that the next time that voice in her head says differently, then he could maybe go for the kiss. Maybe. I think I would’ve preferred it if he’d just consoled her and she was the one who went to kiss him but changed her mind at the last second and thats how we get close talking. Because she wants to kiss him, but at the end of the day she’s pragmatic.

(I just want to quickly add that i by no means think i can write these better. This is just fun for me to put my own little spin on it. I also know other factors go into making a show (time, budget etc) so there are things writers wanted to include that would have improved their eps but said factors forced them to make changes. I don’t want these little opinionated changes i’d make to come across as mean spirited or arrogant. They’re more like responses to a writing prompt if that makes sense.)

[waitmyturtles]

THE MORNING AFTER: ONLY FRIENDS, EPISODE 4 (“UHHH, IF I FEEL SOMETHING, DOES IT MEAN I HAVE FEELINGS, WOMP?”) EDITION

That’s how I felt after watching yesterday’s episode. I have NO BUSINESS writing meta in my current life-mental state, but I NEED to get a few words down. Just some list-y thoughts.

Shit’s starting to gel for me. The cast seems like they’ve warmed up to each other by way of actor-ly chemistry. (I know scenes are never shot in order, but there was maybe a little stiffness I felt at the start of the series? At this point, it might just be Lookjun carrying that, but I also don’t think she does “drunk” as well as the others.)

Such good meta that sustained me during my packing yesterday. @ranchthoughts on an ephemerality BREAKDOWN. @respectthepetty Senpai on sluts slutting — and HOW WE AUTOMATICALLY JUDGE AND LABEL SLUTS FOR SLUTTING (more on this in a BIT — go OFF, RTP Senpai). And @slayerkitty on nailing the narrative frameworks, which really struck me this episode, and this goes back to ephemerality again. Can’t believe I’m gonna meta, but let’s boogie, ‘cause I gotta.

@ranchthoughts — Ranch, I’m probably going to repeat some of what you wrote, so please forgive my stress-addled brain. I just lost it at Khaotung this episode, I thought he was just OVERFLOWING with BEST-NESS this episode — and the way we lived with Ray in his past in this episode. It was another play on time. And I love that @slayerkitty nailed that it was the flashbacks that were doing the talking this episode — because especially for Ray, the past is doing HIS talking. His mother didn’t love him in his past. Therefore, because of his past, he is unlovable in his present. (Interrrrgenerationalllll traumaaaa — the past affects your present. The opposite of ephemerality. That shit’ll STICK with you UNTIL you decide to face it head-on, like our beloved PatPran.)

Ooooh, baby. Gosh. The combination of the use of flashbacks, with Ray living in his past, only listening to music his parents listened to. And Sand — falling for Ray! — is holding Ray’s hand and bringing him to the present and the new. Sand’s a figure of change. Ray keeps toeing BACK to the past, to his memories, to his “love” for Mew, and Sand’s like, let me hold you down. (Ray going back and forth — like relapsing.) Ray STILL flashing back to Mew, holding that pendant (THAT LOOKS AN AWFUL LIKE AN ECLIPSE SYMBOL, AMIRITE AMIRITE) — and flashes again back and forward to the record store, where Sand found Ray’s hand.

What will Ray need for Sand to do to pull Ray even closer to the real-time present? How will Sand help Ray face his trauma? Will Sand really hold Ray down?

I am a big believer in the ships sinking, but goddamnit, First and Khao ATE this episode. GAAAHHHH.

Just musing: If Jojo and team started out this series having us think on ephemerality, the general lack of accountability, and the disappearance of time — are we entering the next act of the series where the characters grapple with the impacts of their pasts? That if you’re engaged emotionally and/or sexually with others, that not being accountable for your past and present is NOT an option? (That’s a kind of frame that speaks very closely to Jojo’s devotion to messages of sexual health in his past shows — especially regarding Nat in Gay OK Bangkok, who was HIV positive.)

Also musing: I saw some posts on my dash grappling with Top and Ray using coke. Drug use is obviously common on the partying circuit — their using coke doesn’t surprise me, especially considering that Top and Ray were both shown also being familiar with pills earlier. But I will note that the entire SE Asian region prosecutes the drug trade quite harshly, so to be honest, I was surprised to see Top actually snorting (but not surprised that that would be in a Jojo show). (Some passing links: when I Googled “drug use in Thailand,” this study shows that of a sample of vocational students in Thailand, LGBTQ+ students were more likely to use three or more drugs than heterosexual students, plus more findings. And this article briefly reviews the history of drug prosecution in Thailand.)

Also musing: really loved how Top’s demeanor was SO different with Nick and Sand. Maybe this indicates how much he’s “controlling” himself around Mew (@ranchthoughts , beep beep, control). Especially when Nick was talking with Top — it seemed like Top had been approached for money like this before. And the way he was so forward with Sand, confident to tell Sand that Sand wasn’t up for keeping Boeing — that was a totally different Top than who we see with Mew.

Okay, penultimate point. @respectthepetty says: sluts gonna slut. @bengiyo says: dudes gonna dude.

Cheum calls Boston a ho. Top says Boston is nasty. Nick calls himself nasty. Nick is Boston’s “favorite.” Jojo challenges the viewer to think that Top was gonna sleep with Beam, as RTP Senpai writes. Top’s already slept with Boston while dating Mew. On and on and on.

I wrote in my review of Theory of Love that I related to Khai, and now I relate somewhat to Top by the way that some of the viewership has judged Top. I was VERY often called the slut/ho of my friend groups in my younger years. OFTEN. And this was while I was in my twenties, exploring myself, my boundaries, my sexuality, all of it.

I relate to the struggle of trying to shed labels. Ray is a “burden.” Boston is “nasty.” Mew wants the truth from Top as to if Top has been with anyone else while they were dating. Therefore — Mew is assuming that Top IS sleeping with other people.

Call these people by their labels, and they’ll start believing them. It’s just another kind of trauma, similar to intergenerational trauma.

I wrote in my Theory of Love piece that as a global society — humans don’t really believe that our fellow humans can CHANGE. We don’t accept change well. (Cancel culture rarely allows for someone to be uncancelled — right?) If someone takes on a label — we tend to believe that label, and we have a hard time believing that someone has SHED that label after time. If Ray was called a burden by his mother — what work will it take for Ray to shed that label? And same for our sexually active guys, too.

Think about how you talk about your friends to others. Think about if you use labels to talk about them. Think about how old those labels are, and if they’re accurate in the present. And. Think about how you judge others by their pasts. (“Remember when so-and-so was sleeping around?”) Think about whether or not you use the past to judge and/or justify your FEELINGS about someone.

Now, I don’t even KNOW if these guys WANT to change these paradigms. We get the SLIGHTEST hint that maybe Boston wants to do so with Nick in next week’s preview.

But. I just fucking love that Jojo is playing around with this. If someone is HIV positive — that’s a label, a stigma. If someone is a ho — that’s a label, a stigma.

These dudes are burdened by what everyone else is thinking and saying about them.

And we have Sand, on the other hand, processing his feelings with Nick. We have Nick acting like a damn BASKETCASE, but at least he admitted the wiretapping to Sand (??? lol honey but you gotta stop this now, nervous giggles, put Boston’s phone down). We didn’t see Yo in this episode, but we know Yo believes in accountability.

There’s something about the Ray-Mew-Cheum-Boston friend group that allows things to both slide and fester. We’ll get ever more clarity in the following episodes on this, but — these young folks are having ish dealing with their labels, the labels of their pasts, and what are they gonna do in their presents and futures to deal with changing themselves?

FINALLY, and then I’m done rambling. Is that supposed to be a penis, or something penis-like?!

(What’s good, Ephemerality Squad? Wish me luck with moving today! @slayerkitty @ranchthoughts @lurkingshan @neuroticbookworm @clara-maybe-ontheroad @twig-tea @distant-screaming @chickenstrangers)

[cult-of-the-eye]

(TW brief allusion to car crashes, monster horror)

Statement of Chitra Kulkarni, regarding the view out of her bedroom window. Originally given 27th May 2008, recorded 31st March 2024, by [REDACTED], Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, Manchester.

Statement begins. 

I don’t know what you want me to say, ok? I was literally just looking out my window and something seemed weird and now for some fucking reason, I’m here. No, I’m not gonna calm down, I don’t even want to be here in the first place. Jesus christ. [sounds of slumping in chair]

[unintelligible] 

Fine. I guess. I can start somewhere.

I.. am not the biggest fan of my room. It’s not like I’ve had many horrific experiences in there, just a lot of shouting and mental breakdowns. But yeah. Lately, I put a lot of energy into making my room…palatable, I guess. Fairy lights and the whole shit. As much as I hate to admit that it worked, it did. Little twinkly fuckers around my room kicked the brain chemicals into working. I guess. Anway, um, in the spirit of mental health, I got into a habit, of sorts. Every night, I would climb onto my washing basket, stretch open the window and reach my head out into the night air. I felt clean, in that cold water on a winter morning way. I felt like god, in that absolute sense of detachment from those below. I wasn’t the person at their door, metallic with alcohol and metal keys and nor would I ever be them. The air was sweet, sugar granules on a milky night sky and I would breathe, deep. Even on the days when all I could think about was the screech of cars and ambulance sirens, I looked down on my little world of street lamps and pavements drenched in darkness like biscuits in tea. Until one day, I saw something. 

It began as a flicker. At first, I thought it was the reflection of my fairy lights in the open window. Ha. I just. It looked like just some guy, in a hoodie and jeans and I remember thinking I had similar jeans, in a surreal calmness. But he had a stiffness to him as if he was being held up by a dissociative puppeteer. It could’ve been a million things, maybe he was just some weird guy, having a moment. And then it turned to me. I finally caught a glimpse of his face. It was split into a painful smile, filled to the brim of layers and layers of baby teeth. They didn’t look like they belonged to him. I reached into myself for a scream but found nothing but blind terror. Whatever peace I found in that night sky, was shattered by the knowledge that I was not alone. I was not separate, nor clean. Not when he was looking at me with those sinkhole eyes that never seemed to end, taking over the sky in its entirety.

I don’t know when I stopped looking. I don’t really think I had a choice. I remember the sun glistening through the clouds, reintroducing the rest of my body to my aching eyes. I remember the soreness of my joints and the phone call I immediately made to my boss to take a sick day. I know you might think it’s some kind of hallucination or drug trip and I don’t know how to prove it to you other than coming here and explaining it to you, but i just can’t afford to not be believed,

I see him every time I close my eyes, [REDACTED]. I haven’t slept in days, please, could you please make it stop- i’m begging you PLEASE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT-

Statement ends. 

I think I might, um, I think…I’m going to go get some air. Yeah.

[click]

[sunflowergraves]

Will Character Analysis: Panic Attacks

I did a breakdown of Will's character a few weeks ago after my first read-through of TSATS. I went back and reread the book (mostly because I'm obsessed), and I noticed something that I don't think a lot of people picked up on. Will was having panic/anxiety attacks throughout the course of the book.

I think this is extremely important to recognize because it gives us a better understanding of why Will was reacting the way he was during the entire quest. It also answers some questions that I previously had.

As someone who has severe anxiety and suffers from panic/anxiety attacks, it makes complete sense that Will would also. He is forced into uncomfortable and challenging situations that he can't control. He feels useless and incompetent, especially when it comes to helping his boyfriend. And he already felt lonely, scared, and unsure before they even started. Combine all that with overstimulation and stress and you've got yourself a great recipe for mental disaster.

If you don't want TSATS spoilers, I suggest stop reading here. I'm going to provide some examples from the book to help me out. This will also be pretty long tbh lol.



The Subway Ride:

As they were leaving the station, Nico asked Will to stop shaking his leg (an anxious habit). Soon after this, Nico noted that Will had closed his eyes and started using a breathing technique. He also said that Will did this often to calm down and decided to leave his boyfriend alone.

Breathing techniques are a very common way to help prevent an attack or calm them down. I've had it drilled into my head that breathing techniques are one of the first things to do when I feel overly anxious/upset.  

As a healer, Will most likely knows about these and uses them to help keep calm. He had just experienced a very stressful taxi ride (which he is described as clinging to the seatbelt for dear life) and is now on a train to start his journey to Tartarus. I'd be freaking out too.



The Trog Tunnels:

The second time Will exhibited an attack was when they were crawling through the tunnels with the Trogs to get to Menoetius farm. Will was complaining about feeling closed in and felt like the tunnel would collapse. He also started feeling nauseous, woozy, and forgetful. The second they left the tunnel, Will immediately needed to rest. He kept his eyes closed and felt better once he had a minute to breath.

These are all symptoms of a panic/anxiety attack. While symptoms definitely range based on the severity of an attack, the most common ones are dizziness, nausea, and brain fog. This is because your brain is tricked into thinking what is happening is a life-or-death situation. It's pumping adrenaline into your body, but there's nothing happening physically to you. This leaves you with a body filled with energy and a mind screaming with chaos.

The only way to really stop these attacks is to sit down somewhere you feel comfortable (literally anywhere but a tunnel in Will's case) and calm yourself down.



The Tartarus Argument:

The fourth example is the argument Will and Nico had after the whole pigeon fiasco. The power of anxiety leads you into overthinking and what was Will doing? He believed that Nico was going to abandon him and that he deserved it. He was 100% convinced of this despite Nico's very stubborn loyalty trait. Will literally broke down in gasping sobs, unable to think of anything but being left behind.

Will had been facing attack after attack since this moment that he finally just broke. When faced with doubt and fear and panic towards the one he loves, towards the person he trusts, coming back from that brink is almost impossible.



Tartarus:

Will was basically in a constant state of panic during the entire Tartarus trip. He was pale, shaky, loopy, and irritated. The rational brain train had left the station and it was not coming back.





As a fellow struggler of anxiety and attacks, I'm glad they added this side of anxiety, even if it was never explicitly stated. I believe that it was purposeful that both authors didn't state that Will was having attacks because it is a sensitive and heavy topic that is hard to discuss, especially when they were covering a bunch of other bases.

The main reason I wanted to make this though was again to drive him the point that Will was not a whiny, weak-spined character. He was struggling with his own anxiety and fears which drove him to act the way he did. I always see people preaching the importance of supporting others, yet my dash is filled with angry, hateful comments towards a character that is meant to represent people like me.

[beans-core]

I finally got around to watching season 2 of Invincible (great show btw) and… oh my lord.

I need to ramble. I MUST.

spoilers after the cut! (If there’s still people who haven’t watched it lol I’m late to the game)

Oh my good god. There’s so much, but this is just the stuff that’s lurking near the front of my brain.

First off, Allen the Alien is the pookiest pookie to ever pookie. He’s so sweet and so determined. He literally risked loosing a battle on purpose to try and be taken to prison, a prison of the enemy, on the off chance that Mark’s dad would be there. And even then it was still a maybe that Nolan would even want to help the cause! Allen still trusted Marks word completely, even though it sounds crazy... “yeah dude okay I believe you, your mass-murdering Viltrumite father who totally tore up Earth and a bunch of other planets has changed his mind and feels bad. Good to know, I’ll make sure to find him and make sure he isn’t executed. I also understand you not wanting to ditch your planet and loved ones, and even though I’ll get in trouble with my commander I’m not going to force you to come to space with me. Bye now, sorry for breaking your bed, nice seeing you man!” And this was all in season 2. Even in season 1 he was still a bro. Allen is the Bro Code personified and I love him for that.

Eve and her family always makes me tear up. Because I can understand how her father, a hardworking man who was probably raised on the saying ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’ — who now has a daughter who can literally make money grow on trees— would feel so upset. It doesn’t make up for the fact that he’s yelling at his family like a dickhead, but it’s still a whole shitty situation. It’s always a grand ole time when Eve is back with her parents… ha ha. The little pep talk from Rex was an awesome little insight on their relationship through the years too.

Rex… my boy, how do I even begin. He’s been a reluctant fav of mine since season one, but he’s also such a douchebag! Sucks that it took being shot in the head and watching your superhero friends/coworkers die in front of you to realize that maybe the whole douchebag thing isn’t really the way to go. But yeah. Good for him! Want more of his backstory tbh, think that’d be cool. And yes, I know I could probably look through the comics and see if there something in there if I really wanted to. But what if I spoil something for myself :c

The Immortal grieving and confused on why he feels so much… the parallels to Nolan with that… not to mention the reveal of Kate being alive! The way he stood there stunned before hugging her was so beautiful. Ugh. Was a bit weary of their relationship until Kate said ‘he knows what it’s like to die over and over’ and then it was like bam they’re in love your honor new otp.

And man. Amber and Mark were my old otp… I knew it was going to end sooner or later (I accidentally got spoiled bruhhh) but I really had hope for them. Sad but honestly Amber deserves the world and if Mark can’t give that to her (and he’s so sad about it too he just wants to go to college and be normal and love his bae) then literally no one can fault her for putting her needs first. That’s another thing I love about the show, there’s no shame when people put their own lives first, and the tough conversations are organic. Magnificent. Anyway Amber is amazing I’m going to miss herrrr T-T hopefully they stay friends and she shows up in other seasons!!

Have I mentioned that I love the gorey fight scenes? Because I really really do. It’s the whole reason I started watching Invincible. So the scene with Mark beating the life out of that slimy megamind with the name I don’t remember? AMAZING. For me, anyway. Mark experiencing the panic and mania right after was still not so great for him, but for me? Good soup. I like my soup seasoned with extra angst, morality struggles, and mental breakdowns. Yum.

Mark hugging his mom so so tight after he gets back to his dimension and curling up crying on the hospital bed next to her? Hitting a little too close to home. Had to pause to wipe my eyes. Also grape baby Oliver has all my love. If something happens to that child, I’ll want to burn the world down. Mark Grayson probably will.

Mark telling his mom he needs to get better so he’s leaving college. ouch. “I need to learn to control myself”… “I can’t be like dad”… gods above. And also “what am I going to do, become a dentist?” LMAO it sucks but he’s right, unless some crazy shit happens and his morality suddenly crumbles to dust, he’ll be a superhero. Because with great power comes great responsibility and all that. There’s usually a bonus savior complex included in the package, but everybody doesn’t learn about that until later womp womp. He and Amber talked about it too, she said something like “if you were the type of person who didn’t immediately leave to go save people, we wouldn’t be dating”. PERIOD.

Don’t even get me started on that last line from Nolan. Caught me by surprise, came out of nowhere. “I think I miss my wife.” STRIKE ME DEAD… I actually shed tears. After everything he’s done, after getting a new wife and having another child and seeing Mark again,,, this bastard is just now missing his wife?? He’s so fucked up fr. But the pain in his voice, BRO, he sounds so confused and heartbroken, like he’s wondering how after everything he’s done to earth and their family, how can he still miss his wife when he doesn’t even deserve to think her name??

Man. This show. So many different subplots and they come together like *chefs kiss* it’s amazing. This show makes me FEEL, even for the characters that I thought I’d always hate… the writers and actors and everyone make all of the characters so human it hurts. EVEN WHEN THE CHARACTERS ARE ALIENS—

[thedvilsinthedetails]

I hate being high masking bc then ppl always assume ur absolutely fine even if ur not and as soon as you act ‘not fine’ because it actively gets too much and u can’t pretend ur fine anymore ppl get so pissed with you like you’ve suddenly turned into a completely different person and it’s like huh glad to know as soon as I’m not ok you hate me and as soon as I’m quiet you forget I exist thanks

I mean not being high masking is probably worse bc you get a lot more outward hate so I think the problem is just ppl being shitty

in the words of an autistic friend of mine who’s in a friend group actually full of neurodivergent ppl ‘get better friends, get friends who aren’t pussies’

Get friends who won’t take it personally if ur not at ur best, won’t ignore it or treat u like shit but also won’t constantly pester you like it’s something that can be controlled

So yeah for my neurodivergent moots, followers or just anyone who sees this post

get better friends, get friends who aren’t pussies

(obvi a lot harder than it sounds ik and it’s not ur fault if ur in a bad friend group but be aware that if ur friends don’t care about you when ur overstimulated or whatever it is, don’t care about all ur little tics and shit u need better friends, you DESERVE better friends)

also a reminder that mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, OCD etc are also all forms of neurodivergence, ur not just being dramatic and making it up. Ur brain works differently from other people’s.

(obvi everyone deserves friends that treat them right not just neurodivergent people but I’m just very aware of the fact that neurodivergent people often find themselves clinging to bad friend groups because we’ve essentially been conditioned to believe that it’s too needy to expect our friends to care about our neurodivergence and that it’s our fault for being too different. E.g. had a friend who told me to stop making neurodivergence my whole personality when I was on the brink of a mental breakdown - stayed ‘best friends’ with her for a year [she also constantly belittled me and treated me like I was stupid], and if ur being constantly told to calm down or talk less but the moment you do talk less you get ignored or [lirerally physically] pushed to the edge of a group, nuh uh honey that’s TOXIC)

actually yk what I might start doing a small series of posts or smth that reminds ppl what friends should actually act like bc I feel like a lot of people have too low standards and if ur the type of person who says ‘you shouldn’t have standards that you compare your friends to’ ur probably a problem friend

remember everyone is flawed and people and friends won’t be perfect all the time but if they’re never even TRYING then something is wrong

[arc-misadventures]

Penny: FMK Ruby, Jaune, Ciel

Penny: FMK

Penny: Yay! I get to play this game with all of my friends. This is sensational!

Jaune: You did properly explain the rules to her, did you, Ruby?

Ruby: Of course I did!

Jaune: Did you?

Ruby: Yyyyes…Yes, I did.

Ciel: Her lack of conviction her own words, leads me to doubt the validity of her statement.

Jaune: I’m not even sure, Ruby fully understands the rules.

Ciel: Oh. Then I revise my statement: I fully doubt, Ms. Rose’s words.

Ruby: Hey!

Penny: So! Will you marry me, best friend, Ruby Rose?

Ruby: Yay! I don’t get to die! I get to live~! I get to…? T-T-T-To…?!

Jaune: Well, she really didn’t explain the rules to her…

Ciel: I will need to file a lengthy report about these events than I expected.

Jaune: You, and me both…

Ruby: P-P-Penny?! I-I-It’s just a game, we don’t have to actually get married?!

Penny: We don’t?

Ruby: It’s just a game; its out of the three of us, which one would you marry?! Not actually marry?!

Penny: Oh, I see… But, can’t we actually get married?

Ruby: Well, there’s n-nothing saying we can’t… But, that ring is pretty flashy…

Penny: Of course it is! It is a high powered, energy beam band! With a power capacity equal to one Kg of a special blend of Hard-light, Electricity, Fire Dust for maximum output!

Ruby: Uhhh…?

Penny: It is also a gun.

Ruby: 🤩(Gasp~!)

Ruby: Of course I will marry you~!

Penny: Sensational~! I can’t wait to tell my father, and the General! That Friend, Ruby is now, Wife Ruby!

Jaune: Yeah, saw that coming.

Ciel: How could you?

Jaune: The pair both work on the same wavelength. Their understanding of one another surpasses what even, Yang, Ruby’s sister knows about her.

Ciel: Is that so?

Ruby: Ahh~! Its so pretty~! Come here you!

Penny: What is it, Fiancé Ru… Mph?!

Ruby: Mmmmm… Mwah~! Hehe~! How was that, my Android Wife-to-be~!

Penny: S-S-S-SENSATIONAL!!! W-W-We must do that a-a-again!

Ciel: I would refrain from doing so; such actions appear to have altered the mental comprehension abilities of, Ms. Polendina.

Ruby: W-What…?

Jaune: She’s saying your fried your Waifu’s brain.

Ruby: Oh… That just means we need to kiss more~!

Penny: Sensational~!

Ciel: Haa… You may do as you wish.

Jaune: What she said. So, are we done this game, cause it feels like we are… Or, should be…?

Penny: No, we should continue! With that being said; Friend Ciel?

Ciel: Yes, Penny?

Penny: I believe you, and friend, Jaune should, as the game says: Fuck!

Ciel: W-W-WHAT?!!

Penny: I believe you, and friend, Jaune should…

Ciel: I know what you said, but why are you saying that, Penny?!

Penny: Many people have pointed out to me that you are, what they call too, ‘uptight.’ Or, as Specialist Bree once said: “That, Ciel girl needs to relax; She’s so uptight, and rigid. She really needs to get laid, maybe then she can finally get that stick out of her ass.” End quote.

Ciel: SHE SAID WHAT?! I can’t believe she said that about me?! What if Specialist Schnee was in the room, and she overheard that! What would she say to that?!

Penny: Actually, Specialist Bree, was talking to, Specialist Ederne, and Specialist Schnee at the time she said this. Of, which they all agreed that you need to relax.

Ciel: I can’t believe they would say that about me?!

Jaune: Ciel’s mental breakdown aside; Why did you pick me to… be together with, Ciel?

Penny: Based on my analysis: Friend Ciel Soleil. Is highly sexually attracted to, Friend Jaune.

Jaune: H-Highly?!

Penny: Yes, She often stares at you when you are nearby. Her internal temperature spikes, whenever you are near. And, she displays several body gestures that indicate sexual arousal: Such as, deep blushes across her face, bitting her lips, rubbing her thighs together.

Ciel: Penny?! Stop talking!!!

Penny: Why not?

Ciel: Look, just because I like a guy, doesn’t mean I want him to know how I want him to pin me to the wall, tear my clothes off as he mounts me, and breeds me into his personal bitch!

Penny: …

Ruby: …

Jaune: …

Ciel: …

Ciel: I-I said that out loud… d-didn’t I…?

Ruby: B-B-B-B-Breed?!

Penny: Shall, I replay the recording?

Jaune: Are you recording everything you hear?

Penny: Yes.

Jaune: Someone needs to talk to you about that…

Penny: So, Jaune; Would you fuck, Ciel?

Ciel: Penny?! Quit trying to hook me up with the hunky blond Adonis future baby daddy!

Ruby: She’ll give those, Mantle Milfs a run for their money…

Ciel: Whose trying to get their hands on my man?!

Jaune: …

Jaune: Ciel, we’re going to have a words about this…

Ciel: O-Okay…

Jaune: Tonight, your room, 22:00. If you have roommate’s tell them to get lost, this is going to be an all nighter discussion. Okay?

Ciel: O-Oh?! Okay, Daddy~!

Jaune: Down girl.

Ciel: R-Right! Sorry.

Ruby: …

Ruby: Okay… That’s going to be a thing…

Ruby: So uhh… W-Who gets killed… I’m saying this with utter fear in my heart since you’re taking this so… literally.

Penny: Oh don’t worry, that’s already happened!

RJC: …

Jaune: P-Penny… W-Who died?!

Penny: Me!

RJC: WHAT?!

Penny: I died when, Pyrrha Nikos, accidentally killed me!

Ruby: Oh…

Jaune: Okay…

Ciel: …

Penny: So, did everyone enjoy playing, MFK?

Ruby: Yes…?

Ciel: I know I will~!

Jaune: No comment.

Penny: Sensational! We should do this again another time.

RJC: No!

Penny: Nawww…

[rui-drawsbox]

I’ve got so much work recently that the brain ain’t filled up yet but I have a couple ideas for the magical girl au :):):):) back on my usual bullshit lmao ✨✨✨

K so these mfers (Knights + Mika + Shu(eventually, give him time, a season two breakdown and a redemption arc) ) should go song karaoke together. They deserve it after all the horrors tbh. The little doll man should get to experience the epic highs and lows of awful greasy pizza at an establishment that isn’t a restaurant. Tsukasa, Izumi, and Shu should also be subjected to it tbh. Tsukasa might like it <3 Izumi and Shu however… malding, screaming and dying even.

Anyways it would be funny as hell if Shu also went to school with the knights. Cuz he’s the same age as Izumi and Leo anyways. Bruh, Arashi could just think that Shu is Mika’s crush 💀💀💀. On god that could make for some top tier comedic interactions. Mostly Arashi teasing Mika about his crush, and Mika frantically trying to assure her that it isn’t a crush cuz he wouldn’t be caught dead catching feelings for his boss. Meanwhile the idea that he could have a crush on his boss has been planted in the back of his mind and it’s only gonna keep growing. I feel like this would be funny for two reasons, one: hijinks, two: bigger emotional payoff when Mika does decide to leave him <<<333 break both of their hearts in one foul swoop.

also Leo being a menace to Shu. They should be in the same class. It would be funny.

Back on my fighting bullshit. I feel like Shu would never fight with his hands or with blades tbh. I feel like he would use a bunch of smaller dolls after losing Mika. Ones that he considers imperfect or something, idk man, something symbolic. + the dolls could almost look like they’re already falling apart and they deteriorate more and more as his mental state deteriorates (not as an in universe thing, just as a visual symbol for the audience to emphasize that Shu is breaking down lmao)

Also Shu and Mika should kiss. Arashi is the #1 wing woman tbh. I love her so much. She deserves to wear a pretty dress like in those super magical girl forms. Like madoka’s at the end of madoka magica when she does the thing, or any of the really powerful forms in precure.

also arashi should punch Shu in the face at one point. I’m thinking about him getting her sword away from her with dolls and being like “Hah! It seems as if you weren’t prepared for this eventuality girl! Kakakakaka! Now that I’ve disarmed you it’s impossible for you to defeat me! Now then, if you’ll excuse me I have more important matters to-” “AGHH!? You, you ignorant girl! You, you imbecile! Why I can’t believe you would-“ she raised her fist again so he finally shut the fuck up. He’s learning 🥰🥰🥰. Mika is probably upset about Shu getting punch tbh. Like he knows why Shu deserved it but he’s still a bit upset. He ain’t mad tho. Shu needed to have some sense beaten into him for once ✨✨✨.

I’m done for now ✨🥰✨🥰✨😎😎😎😎

I kind of want to write out a whole anime plot tbh. If I actually get around to finishing my current fic I might write an outline for this sometime tbh. If I get it done I’ll probably come drop it in your ask box unannounced. Or I’ll make a post and @you in it cuz that might be easier if it’s a whole ass outline.

I love ur ideas even though i forgot answer this ngl JSBDKS Drawings to compensate! It's the only i can do haha!

Anyways, this scene is definitely in the ending of the second season or an OVA about the 7 having daily adolescence adventures like they should had since the start lol

I feel like Leo would be an usual costumer in the karaoke, actually, this would be the group's hideout jsbfjs

Now, I love the idea of Mika staring too long to Shu in the corridors of the school and then Arashi notices and starts teasing him

Mika: no way i could possibly like my boss! He's just so cool and composed and smart and-

Shu, in his classroom:

And yes i think Shu and Mika should kiss, but i also think that Arashi and Mika should kiss, so my offer is:

Arashi: this is my boyfriend, Mika. And this Mika's boyfriend, Shu.

Basically, shumika=second chance trope, aramika=friends to lovers trope. And i love it

You know that i was thinking exactly the same about Shu's powers? He could never fight someone by himself, he would break before a finger lands on him jabfjsj

So yeah, i belive that he would have a dolls/mannequin army. In the first episodes he only uses Mika because he's the strongest, but when he loses him he would starts using unfinished dolls to fight, and with the pasta of episodes there would be more and more dolls but with a worse quality! Like Mika>Metal dolls>Wood dolls>Ceramic/industrial mannequins?. They would start being extremely fragile, like his mental stability😊!

You know Santa Clous from Chainsaw Man? Yeah i see Shu with a similar power but less OP ofc. Like he can control the movements/minds(?) of his artificial dolls but not people, Mika is the exception! Because Mika considered himself like Shu's doll! Once he starts making choices by himself he couldnt be controlled anymore!

Back to Arashi, im 100% sure that her powerup/god form has longer hair, following the more hair=more power formula. I also want to give the nerf or smth that have so much power she has to lose a lot of her humanity sense! She would become this "Justice God" or smth without emotions and the rest of her friends would have to fight/convince her back into normal!

Now. Yes. Arashi should punch people. Arashi should beat the shit out of people. Arashi should beat the shit out of Shu. I didn't gave her armor gloves for nothing.

Yes. Queen. Be scary. Be intimidating. Be your enemy's worst nightmare.

And you want to write the plot while i want to anímate the fucking fight scenes oUT OF MY HEAD I SWEAR IT WOULD LOOK SO COOL IF I KNEW HOW TO ANIMATE UGHH

I would love to read whatever you write about this au too! I'll read every ask you drop here even if i take forever to answer haha;;

[bradshawswife]

————Little Freaks 2.————

w/c: 1,438.

description: part 2 of Little Freaks, just with a happy ending!! Highly suggest reading the first part, or else you’ll have barely any idea what’s happening in this part!

warnings: ANGST again I'm sorry besties i sobbed making this one too. BUT, there's a happy ending! Suggestive themes, MINORS DNI 🔞. Stupid lovers. Fluff!! Finally!!

a/n: I'm glad people wanted this happy ending as much as I did 🥹 it hurt making the last one. Hope y'all love this ending too!

reblogs > comments > likes ❤️

Just as Bradley got in his car to chase you down, he wondered if he’d even be able to catch up to you. He worried he missed out on his last chance to change everything. He quickly sped off from The Hard Deck, and drove quickly (but safely!!) down the way you drove off.

Within a few minutes he sees your car in sight. You were parked on the side of the road crying your eyes out. You never thought you’d be in this situation again. He steps on the gas even more to make sure he’d catch you in time.

Just as you were about to re-cooperate from your mental breakdown, you see a familiar blue Bronco speed past, and park in front of you. You can’t believe he nearly killed himself to get to you.

You see Bradley get out of his car and run towards you. Debating on whether or not to get out of your car, you decide the latter. Swinging your car door open you knock Bradley back a few steps. As you both start laughing, he confesses something you’ve been dying to hear.

“I should have never let you walk away, Y/N. 10 years ago, and now.” he states. You’re both leaning against your car, that's hot from the sun raining down on it.

“I’m so sorry for not trying harder then. I was really stupid for letting you go.” he murmurs, looking down at his feet as he kicks dirt. You stare at him in disbelief. You always thought it was easy for him to just let you go. At least, that’s what you told yourself.

You thought he moved on within days, but the truth is, no girl would ever be you. You were it for him. You hung the stars in the sky for him. He tried moving on, sleeping around to find someone that would bring him the happiness you introduced to him. He never found that sunshine in their smiles, the kind heart you possess. You were the only one who could bring him that kind of happiness.

Staring at him, you realize he’s trying to hold back tears. You always had a soft spot for guys when they show their emotions. He explains the whole moving on fiasco, choking back tears.

“I really tried to move on, I assumed you wanted nothing to do with me after I left you in the dust,” he mutters through the tears eventually falling down his cheek, “you are it for me. You’re the only one who can give me the happiness I crave. Ever since that first day in college, you filled my sky with stars.” Now you were both crying. You can’t believe after all this time he still loved you.

“Oh, Bradley.” you look at him, reaching to his cheek to wipe the tears off with your thumb. He puts his hand over yours. You still felt as soft as he remembered. All those lonely nights on deployments. He kept numerous polaroid's and other photos of you in many places. His wallet, his phone, his helmet, and his pockets. He would always pull them out whenever he missed you, which was almost constantly. You never left his brain, no matter how hard he tried.

He never reached out because he was scared of seeing you with someone else. Little did he know, you never moved on as well. Sure, there were other guys, but they were never Bradley. They were never the sweet, nerdy boy you fell in love with. They never made you smile that hard. Hell, they couldn’t even give you the sex that Bradley did. After all these years, and many other guys, he was still the best you've ever had.

"I never moved on, Bradley. You are the one made for me too." you confess, tears still slipping out of your eyes. "Who did you have your arm around tonight." you ask, wondering if you should have even asked that, you didn't want to seem jealous or anything, despite the fact that you were, only a smidge though.

“That was just a friend, I promise. There’s no one else like you Sunshine.” he states, you still love that nickname he gave to you all those years ago.

Before Bradley showed up, crying to you on the side of a road in the middle of San Diego, cars speeding by every other minute, you were about to start your car again and drive off, leaving him behind forever. Now that he's here, confessing he still loves you, everything comes flooding back to you.

"I was just about to drive away, before you pulled up." you sob.

"I guess it's meant to be then, huh Sunshine." you smile at the nickname. The nickname that made you wince not even an hour ago, is making you grin like you were a college student again. "There's that smile I missed so much." he smiles, and its a continuous cycle of his smile making your smile bigger, vice versa.

He quickly puts his lips to yours, for the first time in a decade. He still kissed the same, the kiss you missed more than anything. You always felt so safe in his arms. He was your comfort.

He missed your kisses, they were always his favorite.

After that amazing reunion kiss, you followed Bradley back to his house. And just like you predicted, he was still great in bed. No guy could ever make you finish that many times. You both fell asleep that night, content and happy that you were finally in each others arms.

That morning, Bradley woke up first. He was used to waking up early for his job, he rolled over to see the sight that he dreamt about for years on end. You, cozy against his comforter and pillows, with drool coming out of the corner of your lip. Not the prettiest sight to you, but to Bradley? He wish he could snap a polaroid of this. He would, if he didn't get rid of the camera in a fit of rage one night. He kept it on his beside table, but one drunken night he just got sick of looking at it, constantly reminding him of his mistake.

After about 10 minutes of staring at you with such love, you woke up to him looking at you. "Tell me this is the first time you're staring at me while I'm sleeping" you laugh, with a raspy morning voice. He loved your deep, raspy morning voice. It was a stark difference from your usual sweet tone voice.

"Nope, sweetheart, this is certainly not my first time staring at you while you slept" he exclaimed, in his (still have butterflies over that video) own raspy voice, "And it won't be the last."

And it wasn't the last time he'd stare at you before you woke up. He always made sure to wake up before you, just so he could have a slice of sunshine before he went to work.

You eventually stayed in San Diego, with him. Living with him again filled your heart back up, after years of living alone.

After 6 months, Bradley couldn't wait anymore. He found out what rings you liked based on your Pinterest account. This was the ring he settled on. He felt it radiated almost the same sunshine as you did. He brought you out to eat at your go to date night restaurant, and then to the beach. The sun was setting with the prettiest yellow sky. As you two were walking through the small waves, holding hands, he quickly stepped in front of you, stepping on your foot, in true Bradley fashion.

"Ow, watch it, dork" you giggle, pretending to wince in pain.

"Sorry baby, this is important" he says, voice slightly shaking.

As he drops down to one knee, you can't stop the tears from welling in your eyes. He grabs your soft hand, letting out a quick cough.

"Sunshine, this is way overdue. I should've done this over 10 years ago. I knew I wanted to marry you then, I was just a stupid guy." he states, choking back tears himself, "I've loved you every single day since you ran into me in college, and I'll continue to love you every single day if you let me." He quickly pulls out a small box, with the most gorgeous ring you've ever seen in your life.

With tears streaming down your face, you quickly scream "YES!!!" as you jump into his arms, getting spun around a few times. After setting you down, he made haste and slid the ring on your finger. A few people that were on the beach that watched start clapping and cheering.

And they both lived happily ever after,

The End!

[realwizardofass]

I am Calrissian Steele. And I’m not okay.

I don’t usually like to do this. I already feel like a burden as it is. And what’s worse is that no matter what, no matter how many times people tell me I’m not a burden. I’m not a problem. They don’t hate me or feel stressed cause of me. I can’t believe it. I can’t stop blaming myself for how I feel. I can’t stop hating myself. I can’t stop feeling like a burden. I can’t stop thinking people are lying to me. I wish I could not believe any of it. I wish I could heal. I wish I could move on. I wish the suffering would stop. But no matter how many times I go through it, no matter how many times I am reassured. I just can’t get rid of it. It’s a wall I can’t get over.

I am really tempted to destroy any close relationships I have because I am tired of burdening them with my problems. To free them from me so they can live a less problematic life. So they no longer have to deal with my constant bullshit.

I hate that I constantly feel like I’m being lied to. I know it’s irrational. I know that is not normal and more than likely not true. But my mind keeps convincing me that it is true. And when your brain knows you better than you do. It’s not something to easily dismiss and shrug off.

At my worst, voices in my head come out. Multiple voices screaming and whispering at the same time, unwrapping countless threads of why my life is awful and not only will it never get better. It will always get worse. And it’ll be all my fault. And that’s why I should end my life. They find and pick out countless memories and instances to show me why how I am is my own fault and I can’t be saved. They make very convincing arguments that are hard to deny. They come out every so often and it’s so unbelievably painful that it’s almost physiological suffering on top of mental torture. I start screaming like I am being hurt because it’s a natural instinct. Even though I feel no actual pain. But it’s as if I am.

I can be in control of myself, I can at ease. Holding it together. Even having a good and productive day. And one tiny thing can set me off into a mental breakdown and lose it. I will just start screaming and ranting about myself and others uncontrollably. I know what I’m doing is irrational. I know what I’m doing is wrong and over the top. But I can’t stop myself.

I feel like I will never recover. Like I am permanently damaged and I can never be put back together. And I feel like it’s my fault. And also, nobody will EVER understand. Like I’m completely alone in the world and no matter how much affection I seek, no matter how much love I wish to feel, no matter how much I want to be cared for, no matter how much people say they understand… it will NEVER be enough. It will never satiate my feelings of wanting to be appreciated and understood.

I am a few months away from being on the verge of homelessness. On the street. Living in my car with my animals. I am trying to mentally prepare for it as best I can. But the imminence is slowly rotting me away from the inside. I have tried countless forms of help from the state, from different programs and nothing is really available. There are so many people seeking help but not much funding to help people. I feel soon, I will also fall through the cracks and be on the street as well. And feeling like it’s my fault is it’s own brand of hell.

I lose myself in daydreaming all the time. Sometimes it’s delusions of grandeur of how someday I will be famous, or mega strong, driven and talented. Be a beacon of hope for people who suffer like I did and put out art that will change the world. Other times it’s the exact opposite. It is daydreams that become nightmares of killing, maiming, and destroying everything around me. Exacting revenge on the world in extremely violent ways that are hurtful to think about. Harming what’s closest to me and even my animals. Visualizing these things, feeling them… they seem to almost feel real and it sucks to say the least. It’s like a physical jolt that is fed through your brain uncontrollably and no matter how many times you try to dismiss it… it just keeps repeating like a broken record. Over and over and over again.

I have gotten close to committing suicide several times this year. From almost buying a gun. To setting up a plan. To even slightly trying out that plan to ensure it’ll work. It will if I did it. I overdosed last year on hard alcohol and Xanax. I was out for 3 days and was brought to the hospital in an ambulance and had to stay there for a few more days. I walked out in silence and had to walk in socks in the snow to reach a place where I could get an uber. I hate hospitals. They do nothing for you except boredom. Being stuck inside your head away from any sort of comfort. They do nothing for me.

In case you don’t know and most of you don’t, I was in an abusive marriage and had to escape a little over a year ago. It has been extremely difficult these past couple years. Hardest and more chaotic I’ve ever had. It was classic narcissistic, trauma bonding relationship. I was Made to feel special, feeling loved, feeling praised and appreciated only for it to be taken away and then talk down to me, berate me, scream at me, tear me down, and lie to me. At my most vulnerable and crying like a baby, I was told I was pathetic by the person who I thought was my soulmate. By the person I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. It turned out for about a year they were doing drugs behind my back. Hard drugs and they started losing their mind and they made it seem like it was my fault. I had to leave to save myself and I was harassed and berated over and over again. Even had money stolen from me. False promises and everything in between. They are no longer the person I once knew. Even her own family no longer recognizes them.

I grew up in my childhood feeling unloved, ignored, and feeling like a burden. Like I was an annoyance. In my black and white autistic brain, I thought… if I’m not loved then I deserve to be hated. And I made that a self fulfilling prophecy that I can’t get rid of and has only worsened with age.

I’m just tired of suffering. I wish it would go away and I’m sorry if I’ve hurt anyone or made them feel used or stressed you out or have caused anxiety or pain.

I am Calrissian Steele. And I’m not okay.

[ilikecheeseandchocolatee]

Another quick vent. Do not read if not in the right mental space to be reading vents.

My sister is suicidal and I’ve known this for a few months now. And she doesn’t tell our parents because they never take her seriously, she only ever tells me. She has no other friends and I’m literally the only one she has. If you read my previous vent you’ll know that my mom believes nothing is wrong with her despite me saying otherwise, and that she really needs therapy. I’m getting so tired.

At this point I’m just considering asking her how she’d feel if she woke up one day and found my sister dead in her bed because she slit her own wrist. I’d ask her if she’d believe me when it got to that point.

I mean she only believed that IM suicidal when crisis counsellors told her to keep me away from sharp objects, when I was summoned to Emergencies at the hospital because of a breakdown. I have tried to tell her before and she’s just laughed it off. Now she’s making the same mistake with my sister.

My sister doesn’t have willpower as strong as me and I know it will ruin her if she doesn’t get help soon because at the rate her mental health is getting worse there won’t be much I can do soon. I’m not a therapist, I can be a listener to her but I can’t help her in any significant way, especially when every time she talks about wanting to die there’s a major part of my brain going SAME DUDEEEE. I don’t know how much longer I can do this I need to talk to at least my dad. Otherwise I’ll go insane.

[not-poignant]

19 and 20!

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

Oh this is... this will be long and it's 12.13am and I don't want to write long, so I'm going to shorthand it:

Started writing as a kid, liked it, pure escapism and needed that shit because real life sucked. Enjoyed reading and though 'I could do that' before anyone told me no. Wrote several novels as a 10 year old before I realised actually you're supposed to learn how to do it first. I still like those stories. Finished my first epic fantasy trilogy by the age of 12/13.

Lots of bumps, including some creative writing at university which killed all my passion to write. The long and short of it is that I could write award-winning short stories and poems, but I hated all of it and judged and edited everything I wrote to the point where I...stopped.

Stopped all writing. For many years. Became pro-artist. Occasionally write very short fanfics that only ever got posted on Livejournal or Schnoogle. Never liked any of it.

Quit art, had a mental breakdown, needed that good good pure escapism again. Read a lot of fanfiction. Made a fandom Tumblr. Watched Rise of the Guardians, went to town on AO3, wrote literally whatever the fuck I wanted even though I was sure people would hate it and hate me. Some folks said 'hey these OCs are alright' and I went 'sure okay.'

Here we are. :)

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

I don't want both. I don't want either. Fuck monogamy, lmao. (For me! Not for anyone else reading this! I am a walking caveat!!!)

I don't want perfection. I don't have a 'most precious WIP.' Stories are easy to come by, and they're all fun. Characters are easy to come by, and you can hurt/comfort nearly all of them. There is no 'dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP' like damn.

I also...don't want eternal happiness. Like Arden, in FFS, I do not believe that the goal of life is eternal happiness. That's literally not the way our brains are built. Emotions are meant to transform. The good news is - that means all the ones that make you feel like shit. The bad news is - that means all the ones that make you feel good. That's why it's so important to learn how to tolerate and sit with all your emotions free from judgement, because the sooner you do that, the more often you'll feel happiness in general.

We're not made, as a species, to feel happy all the time. You ever see people shaking their indoor plants to mimic wind because otherwise they grow all weak and shit and die early because they had no challenges? Yeah.

And yes, I've had challenges, and I'm also not an indoor plant, I just don't believe eternal happiness is the goal here.

Also I'm polyamorous so this whole 'one true love' thing can fuck right off. This question just reads a little like 'u have one true love story and u have one true love person' and folks can live like that but a bitch could never (it's me, I'm bitch)

--

From the Weird Writing Asks meme!

[rianafying]

i’m starving and i’m hungover and i’m in trouble. my sd card got corrupted and i might lose all the work i’ve done in january, which is a LOT of work. i just need to talk to my friends. the timing is bad because they’re either at work or asleep rn. i’m about to throw up.

it’s fine i reached them, after they woke up. spoke to friends, i feel better emotionally. but worse physically because it’s been so long since i’ve had some food. any food. there’s so much shit i need to buy but no money to buy them. i’m scared that one of these days i’ll have to resort to ebegging. i don’t want to do that. because im not even doing that bad but i feel terrible. and im prone to heavily catastrophizing every situation im faced with. somehow i have linked this sd card failure to the downfall of my career that i have worked so hard to build. if you dont have catastrophizing anxiety, you dont know what it feels like to imagine every single worst possible outcome and believe it to be true. but somehow throughout my life, it has been. what i feared kept coming true. but fearing it and being paralysed by it, didn’t help my case. apparently it’s in my brain chemistry to do this and also to have chronic pain. apparently there’s something wrong in my hypothalamus, pituitary gland, amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. they’re are all fucked up and feel wayyy more pain than is ever necessitated. i feel like im spiralling out of control at a faster rate than i can reel it back in. for most of my life ive been getting wounded more than i could heal. and now im limping my way through life, and hating almost every second of it despite trying so hard not to.

i had a full breakdown today, worse than other breakdowns. i feel super defeated. people are being nice to me. somehow that is making me feel even worse. things keep going wrong. there is no escaping tragedy.

day 3 of this same journal entry. i’m officially out of money. even my coins. i have a little bit of usd in my absolute emergency fund, but i really don’t want to have to touch that. i have a week to go before i get paid a bit of money. which will still not be enough because i had to use afterpay to buy some necessary stuff at kmart, and now i have to pay it back. things rlly are tough out here. thinking i should not fix my laptop and instead spend that money like normal. like use it to get by nicely for a while. then what? at what point will i be able to get a real regular job? i found out for sure this month that i can’t make it to work on 25% of days due to my illness. so what work could i do. rlly upset about losing the images on my sd card. i haven’t permanently lost them yet, but, it’s far too expensive to recover. i was considering recovering the data when im in bangladesh but i dont think id trust the data recovery service in dhaka anyway. they’ll probably fail at the task and also ruin my card. things are so wrong rn. my microwave, my pan, my passport, my myki, my financial situation, the burnt skin on my face, my psoriasis and arthritis, my hair situation, my multiple severe nutritional deficiencies and chronic pain, my various mental illnesses, my awful dirty room, my inability to work on any, let alone every, one of these problems. i just get paralysed and bed rot for days. this is officially too much for me. it’s too many things to deal with. i’m not built for even half of this. how can i give up without like kms, like what’s another way to give up? because bed rotting isn’t cutting it. i could really use some help. when i asked for help, my uncle said to visit my friend in sydney, or to visit bangladesh, neither of which is going to actually help my situation, because ill be miserable regardless of where i am, until my problems have been resolved. and both of these things are expensive as fuck, like, what’s a girl supposed to do. i don’t wanna go on a $200 trip to sydney when my sd card requires a $400 data recovery. that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is my situation.

no amount of talking to people, or going on trips is going to solve my problems. which is painful for me to say because i’ve been dying to do something fun for once. not that i don’t have fun in melbourne i do, but that’s cause i try to enjoy work, and romanticise the life i already have. and because im not yet a local local, i can still experience melbourne like a tourist. with fresh eyes. anyway, yeah, im deleting bumble because its stupid, let’s be real im never gonna go on a date w a strangers plus i dont even respond to people because im obviously not ready to actually give this a chance. not yet at least. costar says i let my need for stability stunt relationship growth. but i’m okay with that, or at least i would be if i had any stability. right now i feel like i have the short end of every stick. no it feels like i have no stick at all. the universe or god or whatever is out there is giving me a huge middle finger and laughing at my suffering.

they say that i’m overthinking or that even if there is a problem there’s a solution. what’s the solution to not having enough money to solve my problems? by the time i might have money, these problems will have caused critical damage. what’s the solution to the weight i carry around from never feeling safe or loved my whole entire life. what’s the solution to the mother shaped void in my heart. what’s the solution to the fear of losing my sibling and friends. i cope, and i deal, but it never really goes away. even now as i’ve hit my weekly rock bottom, i’m trying to list things to be grateful for, to see the glass as half full. but i can’t lie, the glass is not half full. i’ve been running on a nearly empty tank for as long as i can remember. even if i somehow manage to get my tank full, there’s like holes in it that can never be permanently patched. i destroy everything i touch, i let down everyone i know, and i keep getting chances. i don’t need another chance. i need a break. i don’t want to prove myself, unless it is to prove that i fail.

i’m told that the broader focus of my life during this time is to clear away built-up structures that have been holding me back. excess is not always abundance. i’m supposed to decide what's worth keeping and what to pass up. apparently my sense of well-being relies on my willingness to seize new opportunities, which is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. “use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.” this could not be more on the nose. fine i’ll pack some stuff up and head drop it in a donation bin. it will clear up some space in my room too. this might be good. give me some literal and also mental space to work with. also on the nose is “make sure you're not doing that thing where you over-intellectualize your experience, and then convince yourself that you know all the laws of the universe.” okay i get it. thank you for spelling it out for me. maybe now i will finally listen. i’m certainly being spied on. most of life is out of my control but i choose joy.

i couldn’t attend the invasion day protest today because i was on the phone talking a loved one out of killing herself. i shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s not like i had a choice in that scenario. i’m told that in most scenarios, there is no such thing as “fault”. if my goal was to shift blame, i could use all the words in the world to make myself innocent, but that’s not what i want, that’s not what i’m familiar with.

i think that maybe i would like to have a fresh start. i dont know what a fresh start would even look like. to go back in time a couple of years? how many years? at what point was it fresh? go back to when i was born? be born to different people? be a different person? a fresh start to me would be one in which so much is different from how my life is right now, that i don’t know how it would even be mine. this is who i am, all the terrible things that make up, well, me. and a fresh start wouldn’t be me, or it wouldn’t be fresh. i’m stale and im crusty, to the core of my being.

maybe i just need to go on a walk.