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utilitycaster · 7 months

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listened to RCCC finally! the very noncomprehensive and subjective new info. Under the cut because it's very long:

Matt's both excited and terrified for the potential this campaign to really deconstruct what came before and it does sound like he is unsure what precisely to expect

Everyone is excited for more of the Shattered Teeth; Taliesin holding out for the moon as "favorite landmass"

Ashley could go even harder with Fearne's chaos and the cast encourages her to do so

Sam really loved FCG and FRIDA's relationship and he and Christian texted about it a lot during that arc! (Christian throws some credit to Aabria's encouragement)

Unsure if FRIDA is a werewolf

Ruidus "noticed" Chetney and Matt has more to reveal...

Because Ashton's rage was heavily directed towards that lack of knowledge about their past they are clinging very hard to the reveal of the Titan of Blood and what that might mean (also, fun talk about Taliesin's theme of Holes In The Past); it's also giving them a sense of feeling robbed.

Marisha really loves how Orym has built upon the Ashari lore; Liam loved seeing Orym's family, which was very important since Orym's childhood was, unlike Vax and Caleb's, a happy one with an extended family

History of Shattered Teeth was heavily influenced by the collaboration with Brennan for EXU Calamity

Imogen spent a long time thinking Liliana would have her back and feels extremely abandoned; she loves her powers and doesn't want to lose them, but doesn't see another option given the harm of the Vanguard.

Fearne is not worried about being Ruidusborn, as she is perfect :)

Chet long rest rolls are, as we know, real. The cast (Travis included) think this is hilarious. Travis does NOT have a backup character. Matt points out that they should uh, probably do that. Liam jokes maybe Bertrand will come back instead.

The duality of aeormaton; FCG defeating Shithead and within a day asking the creatures on Slival to shit on him. Matt regrets this worldbuilding detail; the cast does not.

Orym is an exploration, in a way, of imposter syndrome; he feels responsible but does not feel like he is the right guy for the job. Marisha notes that Liam's vision for Orym was very much as a sidekick, but then found the group was all somewhat conceptualized as go with the flow.

Taliesin's favorite rage is Time, but Space is also fun. Liam loves the immovable rod in the hammer; Matt also does.

Travis is the best and good things come to him; he enjoyed Graz'tchar a lot for the brief time he had it, but also thinks it's way better to give the sword to Novos and see what happens.

Ashley wanted to snoop in the captain's quarters and did not intend to seduce him but he wouldn't leave, and so. Fearne did get a boon with the HP reduction, but it's a secret for now. (Christian adds that FRIDA getting to be there for a Fearne theft was an honor)

Marisha's notes are copious but as a result they are 10% useful, 90% "WE SHOULD CUT OFF LUDINUS'S HEAD." [which to be fair is imo useful]. Sam points out there's a lot of lore. They shout out Dani.

Sam jokes sarcastically about seeing his past characters when the cast at large is asked (Marisha, Liam, and Taliesin all answer but it's mostly the same as when they've talked about it on 4sd).

The cast is busy and have not seen a ton of other shows lately but Sam does confirm he recently watched Jury Duty; Marisha and Matt like watching creepy movies and video essays together.

I feel they should uh...screen mental health related questions a bit harder; it's not that it's not important but I get the sense it's really difficult for the cast to answer to a live mic when they're here to talk about d&d.

Who would they swap character sheets with in Bells Hells: Travis and Marisha would both be Ashton, Taliesin would be Chetney, Ashley would be Laudna or FCG, Sam would be Fearne, Liam would be Laudna, Laura would be Fearne.

Sam has no dice superstitions. Laura disputes this; Sam will put dice in jail if they roll too poorly.

Voodoo donuts has dick donuts, to Laura's great joy. [I will say I suspect the reason they are going to RCCC is that LA to Oregon is an easier trip than to the east coast. also I cannot tell which cast member (or possibly Christian) said "I want a dick" but yes, much like Laura, I did laugh.]

Someone asks about the Titan Blood idea because they also have this concept in their campaign! Matt says that this made sense given that Ashton was transformed to a Genasi as part of his backstory.

An impulse that Ashley didn't follow through on was setting the Omen Archive on fire; she thinks it could have gone very badly and Matt confirms he did have a battle map ready

Has Vex seen the bug? YES (Laura tells the story in Vex's voice; Liam interrupts as Vax; Matt interrupts as Trinket)

How have your characters affected your worldview? Taliesin jokes it's therapy; Laura says it helps you empathize with people around you by pretending to be someone very different than yourself. Matt agrees that it's a reminder to treat everyone as individuals. Liam especially notes that Caleb taught him to accept the challenges within life without trying to escape them. Marisha encourages a self-insert to start, but to branch out after that. Travis says anyone of any age can have an adventure.

#long post #cr tag #rccc

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x--daughters-of-darkness--x · 4 months

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"It’s more than sales – it inspired an entire generation of young girls to know they had a place in heavy music." Inside Fallen: the album that turned Evanescence into instant 21st century metal superstars

No rock band had an explosive a rise in the 2000s as Evanescence. This is the story of their classic debut album

Evanescence’s Amy Lee was at one of the many awards ceremonies she attended back in the first half of the 2000s when she was approached by a fan. This wasn’t unusual in itself, except this fan happened to be rapper and mogul P. Diddy.

“He said, ‘I love your album, I listen to it when I work out’,” Amy tells Hammer today. “And I was like ‘Really? That’s awesome!’ That was surprising to me. You know who I am? That’s weird.” Weird is right. Just a couple of years earlier, Amy had been a shy, aspiring singer and songwriter who had played no more than a handful of times with the band she’d co-founded as 13-year-old almost a decade earlier. And now here she was, getting star-spotted by hip hop A-listers at swanky awards ceremonies.

“What do they call that thing? Imposter syndrome!” she recalls today. “I definitely felt like I’d snuck in the back door and somehow got to go to the Grammys. Like, ‘I’m not supposed to be here and people do not know who we are and this is a prank.’ I think part of that is just it all happening so fast and being so young.”

The reason for the attention was down to the blockbusting success of Evanescence’s debut album, Fallen. Originally released in March 2003, and about to be reissued as a deluxe 20th anniversary edition, Fallen appeared at the tail-end of the nu metal boom. It offered a gothier, more dramatic take on that sound, which bridged nu metal and both the rising symphonic metal and emo scenes. It would go on to sell more than 10 million copies in the US alone, turning Amy Lee into an icon and role model for a generation of young, female fans.

Amy describes the young, pre-Evanescence version of herself as “a little bit shy”. Earlier this year, she told Hammer’s sister magazine, Classic Rock, that the death of her younger sister, Bonnie, when Amy was six, was a catalyst for “this soul, spirit- searching, expression mode”, which would eventually manifest itself in music. She wrote her first song aged 12, and others quickly followed. “I wrote plenty of songs that were crap,” she says with a laugh. “You just haven’t heard them.”

Things became more serious when she met future Evanescence guitarist Ben Moody in 1994 at a Christian Youth Camp in Little Rock, Arkansas, where her family had moved to a few years earlier. She was 13 and Ben a year older, though the two decided they could make music together. Amy describes their initial endeavours as “more like an electronic duo, like Massive Attack” than an actual band, though some of their early songs would end up on Fallen, including Imaginary, Whisper and My Immortal.

The nascent Evanescence didn’t play a gig for nearly six years, partly because of their youth, and partly because they wanted to concentrate on honing the songs they were writing. “The live part for me at that time just wasn’t my focus,” she shrugs. “I wanted to make stuff.”

Their first release was a self-titled debut EP that came out in 1998 via local label Bigwig, followed by another EP, Sound Asleep, the following year (both featured songs that appeared on Fallen). They’d played a few a low-key acoustic shows in their early days, but their first proper, plugged-in show was at a bar named Vinos in Little Rock on January 2, 1999, less than a month after Amy turned 17.

“It was difficult to be on stage at first,” she says. “I had to really work at being a good performer. I remember the first time we played a gig and four people knew the chorus to one of our dumb little songs,” she adds, self-effacingly trailing off.

It was an early version of My Immortal that caught the attention of Diana Meltzer, head of A&R at Wind-up Records, in 2001. Amy had just enrolled in college to study music theory composition when she got the message that Wind-up were interested in Evanescence - essentially herself and Ben.

“I still wanted to make music, but I was going to study so that maybe one day I could work on film scores as a backup plan,” she says. “We got signed three months in. I had one semester of school. I literally went from graduating high school to moving to LA and making our album in a year and a half.”

Producer Dave Fortman can remember the first time he heard Amy Lee sing Bring Me To Life in the studio. The guitarist in 1990s rockers Ugly Kid Joe pivoted to production after the 1997 break-up of that band, working with the likes of Superjoint Ritual and Crowbar before signing on to produce the debut album by an unknown band from Arkansas called Evanescence. After listening to their demo, he jumped at the chance to work with them. And then came the moment when Amy began singing in the studio.

“Amy was in the booth and this voice just came out,” Dave tells Hammer. “My engineer, who has worked with some of the biggest names in music bar none, turned to me with his jaw on the floor and said, 'Goddamn! This girl can sing.’ You just forgot where you were, you weren’t working anymore, you were just in awe of her. They were the most talented people in their age I’d ever been in contact with.”

The Evanescence that recorded Fallen was Amy and Ben, plus keyboard player/string arranger/co-songwriter David Hodges (who joined the band in 1999) and an array of session musicians, including future Guns N’ Roses/Foo Fighters drummer Josh Freese. Dave Fortman estimates the album cost around $250,000 to make – a sizeable sum now, but relatively modest at a time when seven-figure budgets weren’t uncommon (Korn’s 2002 album Untouchables reportedly cost $4 million). Some of that budget went on the real-life orchestra that Amy insisted on using for many of the songs – a bold move for a new band, when an electronic recreation would have been cheaper.

“None of us were ever going to back down on that,” says Dave Fortman. “It had to be that way or it wasn��t going to work. We recorded the orchestra in Seattle where they have no union, so it was cheaper. If we’d have known it was going to smash in the way it did, hell yeah, we would have just recorded them in LA!”

Evanescence didn’t get everything their way. Bring Me To Life, which addressed Amy’s feelings of numbness while in an abusive relationship, was augmented by the inclusion of rapper Paul McCoy in an attempt to appeal to the nu metal market - a decision that went against the band’s wishes. “I was so scared in the beginning that we were going forward with something that wasn’t a perfectly honest picture of who we were,” Amy told Metal Hammer earlier this year. “But it didn’t last long. After a few songs, the mainstream was able to hear more than the one song and it was like, ‘OK, they at least sort of get what we are.’”

Advance expectations for Fallen were modest when it was released on March 4, 2003. “If it had gone gold [500,000 copies], we’d have A all been delighted with that,” says Dave Fortman. As it turned out, the album smashed it, selling more than 140,000 copies in its first week of release alone and reaching No.7 in the US Billboard charts. Bring Me To Life was a huge factor in that success. Like My Immortal, the song made its first appearance on the big- budget, Ben Affleck-starring Daredevil movie, which hit cinemas a few months before Fallen came out.

When it was released as a single in its own right, accompanied by an expensive-looking urban-gothic video that saw a nightdress- clad Amy somnambulantly climbing the side of a tower block, like a cross between a character from an Anne Rice novel and a comic book superhero, Wind-up reps had to beg radio stations to play it (“A chick with piano on a rock station?” was a common response). Those that did air it soon found their phone lines jammed with people who wanted to know what it was that they’d just heard. It entered the US Top 10 and did even better in the UK, where it reached No.1.

Bring Me To Life and subsequent singles Going Under and My Immortal put wind in Fallen’s sails. Those 140,000 sales shot upwards at a vertiginous rate: within a month, it had sold more than a million copies in the US alone. By the middle of 2004, it had reached seven million (in 2022, Fallen was awarded a diamond certificate for US sales of more than 10 million). The speed of the ascent left Amy Lee dazed. “There was just so much going on,” she says, exhaling. “I don’t know if I got to focus on it that hard at the time.”

The label wanted to get Evanescence out on the road to capitalise on that initial success. A touring band was assembled around Amy and Ben – guitarist John LeCompt, drummer Rocky Gray and bassist Will Boyd were recruited to back them. Their rise as a live band was equally dizzying. The day Fallen was released, Evanescence headlined the 200-capacity Engine Room in Houston, Texas. Three months later, they made their first UK appearance playing the Main Stage at the inaugural Download festival, sandwiched between Stone Sour and Mudvayne. Two weeks after that, they returned to the UK to headline a sold-out show at London’s prestigious Astoria.

Inevitably, given the scale and velocity of Evanescence’s success, it didn’t take long for the backlash to kick in. Amy was the focus of much of the criticism, with the barbs ranging from the petty (one magazine questioned her goth credentials) to the outright misogynistic (she was painted as a diva with absolutely nothing to back it up other than the fact she was a woman). Evanescence themselves were perceived by some of their detractors as nothing more than a cynical marketing experiment; the phrase “Linkin Park with a girl singer” appeared a depressing number of times back then, which diminished the decade or so Amy and Ben had invested in their band and music.

“I felt a lot like people wanted to see me fail, especially in the beginning,” Amy says. “I think it’s partially that they want to see if you’re the real thing, and when you shoot up so fast and you have a lot of success really quickly, I think there’s a little bit of a human nature thing that wants to poke a hole in that. I felt on the defence, I felt misunderstood – I’ve got a badass, bitchy look on my face on the album cover, so obviously I must be some kind of bitch.”

Amy was just 21 when Fallen was released, and the criticism took a toll on her. “It was hard as a young person to feel misunderstood,” she reflects today. Things became even more complicated when Ben left acrimoniously in October 2003, just six months after the release of Fallen, with creative differences cited at the time as the reason for the split (in 2010, he admitted to trying to force the singer out of the band they had founded together).

“I felt frustrated,” says Amy. “I wanted to hide a bit in that initial aftermath. People always wanted to attach me to drama, like Ben leaving the band. All of that was trying to be made to make me look bad, like it’s my fault or, ‘Well now it’s going to suck because she didn’t actually do any of the work, obviously all the men behind her did all the writing and the creation.’ It just made me angry a lot.”

The criticism and fractured personal relationships may have been difficult to deal with, but the impact Evanescence had was undeniable. Fallen landed at a transitional time for metal. By 2003, nu metal was on a downward trajectory creatively and commercially, with scene heavyweights Korn and Limp Bizkit both releasing dud albums in the shape of Take A Look In The Mirror and Results May Vary respectively. The New Wave Of American Heavy Metal was bubbling up, but it didn’t possess the same kind of mainstream crossover potential.

Fallen was different. Nu metal may have been in its DNA, but so was goth and electronic music. It was heavy enough for metal fans but it was also dramatic and heartfelt enough to draw in the emo crowd and pop fans alike. The soaring piano ballad My Immortal, with its narrative of a grieving relative haunted by the spirit of the family member they’re mourning, and Going Under, another song detailing the feelings of hopelessness that come from suffering in an abusive relationship, were unquestionably dark, but Evanescence wrapped them up in ear-worm hooks and gothic allure, while Amy’s presence imbued them with a distinctly feminine spirit that was a world away from nu metal’s over-testosteroned aggro.

The broad-church appeal of Fallen was reflected in the range of musicians who garlanded it with praise. Over the years, it’s been cited as an inspiration by everyone from Lzzy Hale and The Pretty Reckless’s Taylor Momsen to pop star Kelly Clarkson. Björk praised Evanescence and so, more surprisingly, did Lemmy, a man not known for his love of goth-tinged ballads.

“They’re fucking excellent,” said the late Motörhead frontman when asked for his view of the band. Even more significant – and noticeable – was the devotion Evanescence, and Amy in particular, almost instantly inspired among fans, especially female ones. The look she sported in music videos, magazine photo shoots and TV interviews – goth-style corsets, black and red eye make-up - was taken up by countless rock club kids up and down the country.

But arguably the most lasting impact Fallen has had is musical. It marked a changing of the guard: not just the end of nu metal, but the beginning of the rise of symphonic metal. Bands such as Nightwish and Within Temptation released albums before Fallen, making sizable waves in mainland Europe, but Evanescence put a distinctly American spin on it, turbocharging symphonic metal’s rise on the back of Fallen’s success. Even now, Amy’s too modest to acknowledge the influence that Fallen had.

“People are always asking me that question: ‘What is it about that album that resonated with people so much?’” she says. “I don’t know. Some of it’s just out of your control. At that age and that time in my life, I don’t think I would have given myself that credit.”

Dave Fortman is far more forthright on the subject. “Did I notice it?!” he says. “How could you not?! That’s what happens when you become, not just a big band, but an icon. She truly changed things. All those symphonic bands that came in their wake? They’re all Amy’s children.”

Fallen helped turn Evanescence into one of the biggest bands of the 21st century. They beat superstar rapper 50 Cent to the award for Best New Artist at the 2004 Grammy Awards (Bring Me To Life also took the trophy for Best Hard Rock Performance). To date, the record has sold more than 17 million copies worldwide – only Adele, Eminem, Norah Jones, Lady Gaga and Linkin Park released albums that have sold more during that time.

Dave calls Fallen “a life- changing album”. He explains: “It’s more than sales – it inspired an entire generation of young girls to know they had a place in heavy music. To show they didn’t have to ever compromise.” It’s a sentiment Amy shares as she looks back at the shy 21-year-old of 2003.

“It was crazy, it was awesome,” she says. “But there was a lot for me that was going on personally, turmoil and relationships within our band. It was just this wild time where so many things that felt huge were happening at the same time. Did it change the musical landscape? I don’t know. But it inspired somebody for something good, it made them walk back from the edge, feel their self-worth in some way. I think it’s truly a gift and a blessing in my life.”

Originally printed in Metal Hammer #381

#amy lee #evanescence #fallen #2023 interviews

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daenystheedreamer · 4 months

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i feel like catelyn's and ned's whole deal is that they're like, weirdly well adjusted for their context. every other marriage in westeros is falling apart and/or abusive (because of the feudalism and arranged marriage etc) but they just end up happy, like someone standing untouched in a burning building

in a modern era they'd have loads of weird christian fundamentalist friends or connections or and they'd be like. this weirdly healthy and non-abusive household in the middle of that. maybe even all the same values are theoretically more or less there but the planets have aligned that that all the starklings grow up utterly healthy and not traumantised and not bigoted etc

i got blasted a while ago for saying that nedcat was lovely because it was boring and normal and a happy marriage and all the nedcats latched on going THEYRE NOT BORING guys come on!! theyre a happy normal couple!! compare to literally any other couple in westeros. the lying was crazy the brandon was crazy yes but come on!!!!!!! and the brandon thing is so normal omg. 'oh he was better than me i have imposter syndrome about my wife and lordship' thats the most normal sibling conflict come onnnnn

but nah yeah i agree with that<3 hard thing is that the faith is catholic and christian fundamentalism is predominantly mutated protestantism so i would only change that to them having insane tradcath friends. cat is a practicing catholic but she's normal about it<3 and ned is like Pagan or whatever but he is also normal about it. somehow the planets aligned and the two normal people married each other and everyone else married their homestuck kismesis

#ask #ymawgat

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a-trick-or-two-with-lepers · 1 year

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Religion in Relation to Jesus Christ Superstar

(CW: Religious trauma, slight stream-of-consciousness, imposter syndrome)

It's no secret now that I love Jesus Christ Superstar. The music, the way the story is presented, the history of the musical, and the talented actors are what drew me to it and kept me interested. Hell, it even made me download TUMBLR just so I could interact with others who enjoy the show (which is lovely, you're all lovely and I'm having such a good time).

Sometimes when I'm doing my wholely unnecessary research on JCS, I find a bad review from a devout Christian, claiming it to be blasphemy of the highest degree. This doesn't particularly bother me, as I am no longer a religious person, and I can easily brush these reviews off as extremists finding things to complain about.

I've found myself researching the book the rock opera was based on. You know the one. It's a fascinating story; I don't think many people disagree with that regardless of what religion they align themselves with. However, as with most things on the internet, it's hard to find information that is unbiased (unless I choose to read the full Bible, which I'm not interested in doing at the moment). I see how passionate these people are about their faith, and how many use that as an excuse to belittle and isolate others. This is something I've always been aware of, and it's something that's affected me personally.

When I come across these kinds of things online, I start to feel a pit of anxiety growing in my chest. I respect anyone of any religion so long as they do not use it as a means to harm others (physically, mentally, psychologically - in any way). But when I am presented with a Christian explaining why everything I believe in and stand for is inherently wrong, I begin to feel as if I'm still a young girl being berated for going against the Lord. To make matters worse, I am queer, though I am well aware that any accusations that this is a shortcoming are without truth.

Part of what drew me into JCS is what I and some others believe to be queer undertones. The intense relationship between Judas and Jesus is captivating to me, and I find it healing to examine the story of Christ this way. I had been avoidant of all Christian-related media for such a long time after I decided to detach myself from the religion. Any mention of it brought back years of shame and fear that, in my opinion, do not align with the morals the Bible depicts. If that is not what I am meant to feel when presented with the power of the Christ, then why should I subject myself to it? But when I found this musical, I was so intrigued that my inhibitions became insignificant. I only notice now how unprepared I was for the feelings that arose within me when re-introduced to my experience with religion.

I think the main issue comes with Christians believing they are entitled to the words and story of the Bible. Against my better judgment, and due to my past, I feel sometimes as if I'm intruding on an aspect of human culture that was not meant for me. In reality, I recognize that all I'm really doing is enjoying a story that I relate to and that inspires me to create and live my life as I want to live it. My learned instinct is to feel repentant when any person says I am wrong, especially when it comes to my experience as a queer woman. I read the relationship between Jesus and Judas in JCS as romantic. I have seldom seen such an intense portrayal of homosexually-charged angst, even if that is not how it was meant to be read. And I relate to it. And it heals a part of me. And I may be reading way too far into this, but I'm already devoting so much of my time to this property, so I may as well get something useful out of it.

I wonder if any other fans of JCS have felt this way. Like we are not allowed to enjoy something simply because it is not a story that is meant to be heard as we are hearing it.

My mother wonders why I haven't since converted back to Christianity after watching Jesus Christ Superstar. But this is the furthest from Christianity I have ever felt. And it the most at peace with Christianty I have ever felt.

#jesus christ superstar #jesus christ superstar 1973 #religion #religious trauma #stream-of-consciousness #imposter syndrome #rant #relatability #queer community #lgbtq #jesus x judas #agnostic

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fruity-phrog · 2 years

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Stranger Things headcanons:

Nancy is one of those girls that can pick up an instrument and be an expert in a matter of minutes.

Whenever someone would call Eddie gay as an insult he’d just get reeeeeeeeal close and say “~you wish~”

People call Max Zombie Girl since she came back to life and say things like “Zombie girl and zombie boy, sitting in a tree...” but by this point she’s already run over their toes with her wheelchair

Chrissy had a crush on Tammy Thompson (just coz)

Robin has autism, adhd and suffers badly from imposters’ syndrome

Steve’s parents are really Christian and mentally abusive towards Steve. They hate Robin for her black nail polish, fast and nervous way of speaking, forward-thinking ways, basically anything. Steve never let anyone realize how bad they made him feel but the rest of the Fruity Four eventually got him to open up.

Joyce knows Jonathan smokes weed, but she also knows he’s going through a rough patch in his life and confiscates a few rolls from his stash at a time, not the whole box.

Nancy, Steve, Jonathan and Mike are bisexual, Robin and Eleven are lesbians, Will and Eddie are gay, Argyle is pansexual, Lucas is demisexual and Dustin is ace. No one here is allowed to be straight. No.

Eddie’s really clingy with Steve when they’re alone together, and will even risk grabbing his hand when they’re in public. Nancy and Robin, and El and Max, can get away with hand holding quite frequently due to them both being girls and Will and Mike are really guarded, always checking how close they are in public.

Will and Mike, when they came out to her, had to explain to El what homophobia is. She started crying because she didn’t want her brother and his boyfriend to be hurt for who they are.

Eddie got Steve into Metallica the same way Max got Lucas into Kate Bush.

Lucas and El get jealous over Max and she has to sort it out (but she secretly finds it so sweet)

I probably have more I can’t remember

#stranger things #stranger things headcanons #nancy wheeler #mike wheeler #will byres #jonathan byers #byler #robin buckley #ronance #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie #argyle stranger things #joyce byers

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kmarttelescope13 · 5 months

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christianity and asexuality

dude for so long i was able to ignore the whole ace thing through religion. i was raised Christian, and purity is kind of their whole deal, especially for women. so i thought i was doing fucking great in that aspect because i just straight-up didn't care about the whole dating thing.

and it was the wombo-combo of Christianity and asexuality that repressed me so hard that i didn't know what masturbation was until i was 15. like it makes a lot of sense that i was into nasty fanfiction and comics and shit because i was learning all this stuff that everyone already knew. i didn't even get shitass public school sex ed because my parents didn't want me to know about that stuff until i was "old enough."

i never liked the church, i never believed in anything they taught, i just regurgitated the viewpoints because i was a child. it was all i knew. and i leaned toward rebellion as a teenager because it was natural, i'd always wanted to break apart from it, but everything i'd been told about sex and dating scared me deeply. i didn't want to get married young, but that seemed like the only option that was presented to me. nobody ever explained how this shit was supposed to work.

sometimes i get imposter syndrome and think that the sex-repulsed thoughts i have are just the residual propaganda, and then i get scared that i'm just faking this because i'm scared. but then i see my best friend and their boyfriend being annoying and i'm like "nevermind" but the feeling is there and it's valid!! that shit is scary!!! Christianity will really fuck you up for your entire life!!!!

#asexual #acespec #aroace #aromantic #arospec #ace #aro #queer #religious trauma #christianity

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girlie4jesus · 6 months

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sometimes being a queer christian makes me feel the same imposter syndrome i felt at 16, crying in my maths class.

#queer christian #gay christian

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fortheloveofdeaddove · 7 months

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I fell off the wagon, and finally wrapped up today by telling the last person in my support network what was going on.

Folks, relapse is the rule, not the exception. Yeah, there are those stories. But they are legends and myths and not very good guidebooks for us normal folk.

I've joined a Wellbriety group, which is focused on recovery in the context of Native American culture. I received an invitation from a friend who, simply put, has never questioned my identity since she found out I was Choctaw. It started by inviting me to participate in the planning of the Native American high school graduation celebration in May. I donated a store bought cake to the cake walk. I was too nervous to attend, and I didn't know anyone graduating. Then through that networking, I found out about this new group that hadn't even had their first meeting yet.

The meetings are called Talk Circles. We smudge first, then a psuedo-Christian/Native American prayer is said. Then we pass the eagle feather and it proceeds much like an AA meeting. These are the only traditional practices I have ever engaged in, in a group or alone.

Tonight was the second meeting, and it wasn't an easy one for me. I feel like an imposter, and have been looking for a Magical Indian Elder to give me permission to be Choctaw for a long time. (I understand the permission and acceptance must come from me, but the wounds are deep and the feelings don't match the words I can type out about it). The trauma I carry about my grandfather's rejection sat very heavily on my heart as I listened to everyone talk about how reconnecting or engaging in their tribe's traditions and culture helped them heal. My grandfather quite specifically rejected myself, my sister, and my brother, amongst ALL his grandkids. WE were left out Christmas morning when he dressed in full regalia and danced and sung. WE were never included in any of the portraits he painted (believe me, every other grandchild was in one or more of his other paintings, this is not an exaggeration). We also happen to look super white comparatively, and all my other aunts' and uncles' spouses at least had some Native American ancestry. My mother did not.

An elder in the group tonight talked about how we were family, and everyone in the room was his brother and sister. Then he offered to talk with anyone if they ever need it, that he'd be happy to go sit with them in a sweat lodge.

"He doesn't mean you," said the horrible, awful voice that's been following me around since childhood.

Likewise, with all my religious trauma, though I yearn to fill this cultural void and find acceptance, I loathe the idea of exploring any spirituality. Find your higher power. Find your higher power. You don't have to believe in God but find your higher power and EVERYONE in the room is gonna call him God and refer to him as Him and talk about His Son Jesus Christ. I don't want to find reasons to be a cast out, to differ myself from them. But in that room where I felt like an imposter who just couldn't get with the script, I really struggled.

Am I just a white woman culturally appropriating and worse, taking up resources where I don't belong?

Grandpa's parents were both "half" - great grandpa being Choctaw and white, and great grandma being Chickasaw and white. Grandpa himself always said he was "half". How the fuck you go from that to two generations later being 9/256 as my tribal card says.... Who the fuck knows?

It occurred to me after I'd left that I'd received a back handed compliment. The sister of one of the organizers came up to me after the meeting (I'd been visibly crying, not fainting couch stuff I wasn't trying to center my white woman tears) and she told me how much she appreciated my being there, because she's had such imposter syndrome. It didn't take me long to figure out this VERY Native American-looking woman with a last name that included "eagle" and "feather" in it wasn't talking about my identity issues. She just felt better knowing there was someone who was an active addict in the group, because she only had a short time of sobriety accrued and she'd been worried because her brother was an organizer. (She was NOT trying to be mean. She meant it wholeheartedly and I'm sure she didn't realize I'd be sensitive to something like that.)

What I don't want is for other people to see me in that space and feel less safe or at home, or less like it's truly a Native event. I can't control other people's feelings. It's a strange combination of being raised white, female, and evangelical Christian, and having deconstructed a good deal of that. Be absolutely politically correct to EVERYONE (impossible). Be perfect and affable, obtain everyone's approval, do not take up space or if you do, you better not be disruptive. Make everyone happy, take care of everyone else first.

It's a serious lack of authority in one's own life.

I suggested adding a cake walk to the Halloween event that's being put on. Two non-white men, one after the other, both asked me what it was, and if it was a "white person" thing. Even though I had just told them I had the idea because of it being at the graduation ceremony. The Native American graduation ceremony. Where people, ya know, danced and walked... in a fucking circle. >_> Like ya do in a cake walk. Gee, so strange and different sounding. So white and colonizing!

(It was actually a celebratory game developed by enslaved African Americans on plantations. I looked this up after the fact because I just had a suspicion lol.)

What people see when they look at me isn't entirely in my head. I just have to learn to live with shit like that. I'll call them micro-resentments, because I don't think aggression is the right word. Sadly, I've always been extremely sensitive (gimme plenty of that bi-polar flavoring) and value highly people's approval. It's going to be hard for me.

When I obtain enough sobriety, I'm starting a secular recovery group. I think all these methods - AA, Wellbriety, S.M.A.R.T., etc, go pretty well together. We atheists in the Bible Belt deserve a safe place to be secular though. We really do.

#recovery #substance abuse #mental health #identity issues #choctaw #chickasaw #racial conflict #native american #first nations #alcohol recovery #secular recovery

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brookston · 16 days

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Holidays 4.13

Holidays

Aerosmith Day (Massachusetts)

American Elephant Day

American Sikh Day

Arugula o Rocket Day (French Republic)

Auslan Day (Australia)

Beauty Peace Day

Celebrate Teen Literature Day

Day of Patrons and Philanthropists (Russia)

Day of the Dead (Elder Scrolls)

Environmental Protection Day

Feast of Rotten Endings

413 Day (Arkansas)

Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) International Awareness Day

Homestuck Day

Huguenot Day (France)

Ides of April (Ancient Rome)

International Campus & Community Day

International Creativity & Innovation Day

International Day of the Kiss

International Functional Neurological Disorder Awareness Day

International Imposter Syndrome Awareness Day

International Jaat Day (India)

International Plant Appreciation Day

International Rock & Roll Day

International Special Librarian’s Day

International Turban Day

John Hanson Day (Maryland)

Katyn Memorial Day (Poland)

Military-Industrial Complex Employee Day (Ukraine)

National Boot Day

National Borinqueneers Day

National Hippy Day

National Hockey Card Day

National Japanese Spitz Day

National Kiss Your Homies Day

National Pathology Day (India)

National PhiliShui Day

National Silly Earring Day

National Sticker Day

National Theresa Day

Neil Banging Out the Tunes Day

Religious Freedom Day (England; France)

Scrabble Day

Silent Spring Day

Sinhala & Tamil New Year’s Eve (Sri Lanka)

Sterile Packaging Day

Swiftie Day

Teacher’s Day (Ecuador)

Thomas Jefferson Day

Unfairly Prosecuted Persons Day (Slovakia)

Western Mass Day (Massachusetts)

World Microscope Day

World Sarcoidosis Day

World’s Day of Remembrance for Victims of Katyn Massacre

Food & Drink Celebrations

Day to Give Thanks for Fish and Seafood

Hopocalypse Day (Drake’s Brewing)

National Make Lunch Count Day

National Peach Cobbler Day

2nd Saturday in April

Baby Massage Day [2nd Saturday]

Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse [2nd Saturday]

National Catch & Release Day [2nd Saturday]

Slow Art Day [2nd Saturday]

World Circus Day [2nd Saturday]

Weekly Holidays beginning April 13 (2nd Week)

California Native Plant Week [thru 4.20]

Independence & Related Days

Adammia (Declared; 2013) [unrecognized]

Mensa Ann (Declared; 2019) [unrecognized]

Sicily (from Naples; 1848)

Varnland (Declared; 1991) [unrecognized]

Winterspell (Declared; 2017) [unrecognized]

New Year’s Days

Songkran (Thailand) (a.k.a. …

Bangla New Year

Bisket Jatra (Bangladesh, Cambodia, India, Laos, Myanmar, Nepal, Singapore, Sri Lanka, Thailand)

Chiang Mai Songkran

Tamil New Year

Thai New Year

Festivals Beginning April 13, 2024

Armageddon Expo Christchurch, New Zealand) [thru 4.14]

Baldwin County Strawberry Festival (Loxley, Alabama) [thru 4.14]

Bar K Beer Fest (St. Louis, Missouri)

Cherry Blossom Festival of Greater Philadelphia (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania) [thru 4.14]

CNY Maple Festival (Marathon, New York) [thru 4.14]

Crawfish & Zydeco Festival (Kemah, Texas) [thru 4.14]

Dairy State Cheese & Beer Festival (Kenosha, Wisconsin)

Dessert Wars (Baltimore, Maryland)

Georgia Renaissance Festival (Fairburn, Georgia) [thru 6.2]

Hall Cabernet Cookout (St. Helena, California)

Hudson Mac & Cheese Fest (Washingtonville, New York)

International Orange Blossom Carnival (Adana, Turkey) [thru 4.21]

Lost Colony Wine & Culinary Festival (Manteo, North Carolina)

Mobile Chocolate Festival (Mobile, Alabama)

National Grits Festival (Warwick, Georgia)

Northern California Cherry Blossom Festival (San Francisco, California) [thru 4.14 & 4.20-21]

Polish Festival (Phoenix, Arizona) [thru 4.14]

Spring Cheese and Chocolate Weekend (Stillwater, Minnesota) [thru 4.14]

Supernova Pop Culture Expo Gold Coast, Australia) [thru 4.14]

Taste of Hillcrest (San Diego, California)

Feast Days

Alfarbot: Alfheim Day (Pagan)

Believe in Fairies Day (Pastafarian)

Bill Hicks Day (Church of the SubGenius; Saint)

Caradoc (Christian; Saint)

Carpus, Papyrus, and Agathonic (Christian; Martyrs)

Elizablecccch Arden (Muppetism)

Eudora Welty (Writerism)

Festival of Jupiter Victor (Ancient Rome)

Festival of Libertas (Ancient Roman personification of freedom and political liberty)

Grounding Meditation Day (Starza Pagan Book of Days)

Guinoch of Scotland (Christian; Saint)

Hermenegild (Christian; Martyr)

Ida of Louvain (Christian; Saint)

James Ensor (Artology)

Libertas (Old Roman Goddess of Liberty)

Martin I, Pope (Christian; Saint)

Martius (a.k.a. Mars; Christian; Saint)

Poshui Jie begins (Water Splashing Festival; China)

Ptolemy (Positivist; Saint)

Purification Festival (Thailand; Everyday Wicca)

Samuel Beckett (Writerism)

Seamus Heaney (Writerism)

Squashing of Moonhopper Day (Shamanism)

Thomas Lawrence (Artology)

Vaisakhi (Sikh spring grain harvest festival)

Vishnu (Pondicherry, India; Hindu)

Yayoi Matsuri (Nikko, Japan; 5-Day Spring Festival)

Islamic Moveable Calendar Holidays

Eid al-Fitr celebrations continue (Islam)

Lucky & Unlucky Days

Prime Number Day: 103 [27 of 72]

Sensho (先勝 Japan) [Good luck in the morning, bad luck in the afternoon.]

Premieres

Aladdin Sane, by David Bowie (Album; 1973)

An Apprenticeship or The Book of Pleasures, by Clarice Lispector (Novel; 1969)

Bedeviled Rabbit (WB Cartoon; 1957)

The Big Bad Wolf (Disney Cartoon; 1934)

Black Rose, by Thin Lizzy (Album; 1979)

Bridget Jones’s Diary (Film; 2001)

Brown Sugar, by The Rolling Stones (Song; 1971)

Bulldog Drummond (Radio Series; 1941)

By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept, by Elizabeth Smart (Novel; 1945)

Casino Royale, by Ian Fleming (Novel; 1953) [James Bond #1]

Catch a Fire, by Bob Marley (Album; 1973)

Critic’s Choice (Film; 1963)

Dane, by Heinrich Schütz Opera; 1627)

Daltrey, by Roger Daltrey (Album; 1973)

Echo, by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers (Album; 1999)

El Capitan, by John Philip Soul (Operetta; 1896)

Good Little Monkeys (Happy Harmonies; 1935)

The Greyhound and the Rabbit (Color Rhapsody Cartoon; 1940)

Hold the Lion Please (Noveltoons Cartoon; 1951)

The Kilkenny Cats (Mighty Mouse Cartoon; 1945)

Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here Grammar Rock Cartoon; Schoolhouse Rock; 1974)

Messiah, by George Frederic Handel (Oratorio; 1742)

Mickey’s Kangaroo (Disney Cartoon; 1935)

Mouse Into Space (Tom & Jerry Cartoon; 1962)

The One Minute Manager, by Kennth Blanchard and Spencer Johnson (Book; 1983)

Rampage (Film; 2018)

Rising Sun, by Michael Crichton (Novel; 1992)

Safe at Home! (Film; 1962)

Swing Shift (Film; 1984)

Tango in the Night, by Fleetwood Mac (Album; 1987)

Tintin and the Picaros, by Hergé (Graphic Novel; 1976) [Tintin #23]

12 Angry Men (Film; 1957)

Unbroken, by Laura Hillenbrand (Historic Novel; 2012)

Today’s Name Days

Hermenegild, Ida, Martin (Austria)

Ida, Martin (Croatia)

Aleš (Czech Republic)

Justinus (Denmark)

Tarvi, Tarvo (Estonia)

Tellervo (Finland)

Ida (France)

Hermenegil, Ida, Gilda, Martin (Germany)

Gerontios (Greece)

Ida (Hungary)

Ermenegildo, Martino (Italy)

Egils, Jagailis, Justins, Justs, Nauris (Latvia)

Algaudė, Ida, Mingaudas (Lithuania)

Asta, Astrid (Norway)

Hermenegild, Hermenegilda, Ida, Jan, Justyn, Małgorzata, Przemysł, Przemysław (Poland)

Artemon (Romania)

Aleš (Slovakia)

Hermenegildo, Martín (Spain)

Artur, Douglas (Sweden)

Slavka, Yaroslava (Ukraine)

Thom, Thomas, Thomasina, Thompson, Tom, Tomas, Tommie, Tommy, Twain (USA)

Today is Also…

Day of Year: Day 104 of 2024; 262 days remaining in the year

ISO: Day 6 of week 15 of 2024

Celtic Tree Calendar: Fearn (Alder) [Day 28 of 28]

Chinese: Month 3 (Wu-Chen), Day 5 (Ding-Wei)

Chinese Year of the: Dragon 4722 (until January 29, 2025) [Wu-Chen]

Hebrew: 5 Nisan 5784

Islamic: 34 Shawwal 1445

J Cal: 14 Cyan; Sevenday [14 of 30]

Julian: 31 March 2024

Moon: 28%: Waxing Crescent

Positivist: 20 Archimedes (4th Month) [Albategnius]

Runic Half Month: Man (Human Being) [Day 4 of 15]

Season: Spring (Day 26 of 92)

Week: 2nd Week of April

Zodiac: Aries (Day 24 of 31)

#calendar #Holidays

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