#cw abusive childhood

[awbarnes-no]

@wormholxtreme: but tell us about Anya's handler and how she got away from him. How does her relationship with him affect her relationship with other authority/parental figures?

Buckle in boys and girls, this is gonna be a bit of a post. THIS HEADCANON CONTAINS EXTREMLY TRIGGERING CONTENT!!! I just wanna get that out in the open before we dive into this. For a lot of people enslaved by HYDRA, their Handlers are the source of some very special trauma's. V is no exception.

( placing under read more to save on space and for triggers. )

She never knew his name for starters. From the day she met him when she was a girl, she only ever knew him as V. He had been a presence since she started her combat training, overseeing her training and then being her primary handler for missions. ( the Soldier being the only other person she would comply with by design. ) The HYDRA agent was also among the small number of people who ever knew about the true parentage of Anya. ( that information was never digitally recorded and any documented proof as of now is lost. )

On a good day, the dynamic the two tended to have was akin to a controlling father ( or pretending to be ) leading with a cruel method, inflicting harsh punishment on the girl for failure ( resulting in her complete aversion to failure all together. ) only to flip when she acted favorably, resulting in a desperation to please out of fear of the alternative.

There's also the added layer of the insurance he has on his control over her. When Anya was brought into the fold, she was a baby. Once she had developed enough that it was safe for her body, she underwent a surgery, chemically altering her brain to react to a pheromonal agent that certain people wore. This reaction would render her unable to deny an order given. Two were given this. One was V from day one, and later the Soldier once it was confirmed they didn't need to worry about his programming failing. Between the two of them . . . the young girl's rage could be quelled.

Tasked with attempting to unlock her mutation, V was instructed to place her on a solo mission, the Soldier bein kept outside, while she went in for a hit. The hit was rigged from the beginning, the gun she was sent in ( and given to her by V ) empty. She barely escaped with her life, but managed to complete the mission none the less. When she confronted V about it, he simply shrugged it off as if it was nothing.

All he cared about was if it happened . . .

Before she could even inquire what he meant, something snapped in the Winter Soldier, and after a fight, a bullet was ultimately fired into V's head. To the knowledge of Bucky and Anya . . . V was a dead man.

The effect V has had on Anya has lasted since that day her and Bucky made their escape. Luckily, V didn't have too much effect on her and Bucky's relationship, once she was away from him. There was enough fear of her handler to trust Bucky more, but V had been the only other authority figure she really had, and liked to play at being her father ( or so he said ) but once she was away from him, that all seemed to settle. Her trust in her immediate family ultimately winning out.

What this did effect however, is her outlook on authority figures. She doesn't trust them. At best, she's suspicious, and often times will put up walls they need to earn to right to bring down. On the other hand, she's aggressively avert toward, often times having angry outbursts when pushed too far. From a young age, Anya demonstrated a rage unparalleled by any soldier HYDRA had seen, relying on the few who had control over her to quell that. When V had control, he enjoyed pointing that rage at his enemies. She's gotten better since then. But there's still a bomb under there. Waiting to go off.

[hajihiko]

It runs in the family

[incognitopolls]

"Abusive" includes forms of abuse like physical, mental, emotional, or any other form.

–

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[mother-of-houseplants-2]

they’re my big three ❤️

alt versions^

[gremlinmodetweeker]

Why König Was Bullied/ Why He Loved His Family

TW: Severe Bullying, Kids Being Cruel, Severe Social Anxiety, Growing Up Mentally Ill, Chronic Feelings of Being Unsafe, Unstable Environments Growing Up, Isolation, Loneliness, Self Esteem Issues, Anxiety, Social Anxiety,

I'm gonna say it. I think König actually had a great childhood home. He wasn't bullied because he was an abused child, he was bullied because he was a socially awkward kid raised by socially awkward parents. He was bullied because he was chubby (his mama loved giving him sweets) and because he was weirdly big and not in a hot way, just in a lumpish oaf sort of way.

On his own, König loved to keep his own company. He would make up imaginary worlds in his mind and play with stuffed animals and model trains. He read fantasy books, and became an advanced reader for his age. He loved learning as much as he could about the world around him, and his Oma nicknamed him 'her little Why' when he would never stop asking why things were the way they were. He loved to play outside most of all. Almost all his free time was spent outdoors, and he developed a deep love of nature, hiking and camping.

Kids are cruel, and one kid looking a little bit awkwardly proportioned and being awkward to boot was the perfect target. It didn't help that (especially in the beginning) he just liked to do his own thing, regardless of what others thought. He liked playing with his stuffed bears and rabbits at recess and he loved to read more than he liked to play sports. He was a bit awkward in both speech and body, growing too big for his body to adjust to too quickly and always a bit nervous to speak to others, leaving him a lonely child with nobody to play with. Nobody wanted to play with a boy who still played with stuffed animals or played imaginary games with himself. He was the kid who would call himself the dog when kids played house. He had to hold other kids' coats at recess just to be acknowledged.

König had a hard childhood due to the isolation. Kids got crueller when puberty set in, and they got more overt with their bullying. It didn't help that König hit puberty early and shot up like a reed. He grew strangely thick facial hair for a twelve-year-old, and people would pluck hairs out of his face when he wasn't on guard. After his growth spurt, shoves and nasty playground names became black eyes and rumours traded between classes. Everywhere he looked people watched him, talked about him, scorned him. He developed mild scopophobia, and the fear still lingers with him in adulthood.

König always had the potential of developing social anxiety. Just genetics, really. But growing up in a poorly equipped rural town didn't help. He didn't fit in, and for that he was tormented throughout life. Bullies would find out who his crush was and kiss them when he walked by in the halls. Girls would ask him out, and when he eagerly accepted they would laugh in his face. Worst of all was how they'd torment him for startling easily, and laugh whenever he physically lashed out in a panic. They loved to scare poor König, and did whatever they could to get a reaction out of him. He learned to keep his emotions guarded and to himself, but he still tears up when he thinks about how they once set his stuffed rabbit on fire after school. Whenever König felt like he'd learned to take it all, something else would come along and remind him that no, he would never fit in, and he would never be safe.

König grew up to be cold, harsh and cynical. He refused to let others play with his emotions. He became hardened as a man. However, deep inside of König, there was always a little boy who just wanted to read fantasy books and play with his stuffed animals in peace. He took to taking long hikes and camping outside when he needed time away from home. As a preteen, he was humiliated by how fat he seemed as a child, and horrified by how thin and lanky he became as he matured, so he began working out vigorously and filled out into a powerful, handsome young man. When girls would ask him out as a teen, he'd scoff and shoo them off, even though they genuinely wanted to be with him. He'd been burned too many times to know when someone truly wanted him. He didn't realize that he was a highly intelligent, strapping teen that had become a heartthrob among some of the other socially outcast children. Sadly, König would never learn, instead focusing on how his bullies would mock his height from afar (they'd long since learned that fighting a 200 lb young man who learned to fight from a war vet was not a good idea after all). But no matter how much König tried to get out from under their thumb, his bullies ruled his life.

But while school was a battleground, every day this brave little soldier would march home into his mother's open arms. His father would be there to remind him of how strong he was, how proud he was of his little soldier son. Home was his sanctuary away from the war outside.

König's mother was very much a housewife. A big, tall (at least 6'1) woman with broad arms and a powerful jaw, Annabelle Leichenberg looked more like a warrior princess than she did the sweet and doting mother that she was. She was always a bit awkward in the village, and many other mothers made fun of her for being harsh and dismissive in her exchanges of village gossip. She was a practical woman who had no time for their prattling nonsense. All her time was spent doting upon her loving family. She was a dutiful, determined woman who never backed down from a challenge. Despite working in the next village over, she would spend as much time as she could with König and her four other children. She would teach König to braid his sisters' hair, and played card games with him and his brothers late at night. She made sure his siblings never picked on him too much, and she spoiled him rotten with strawberries from the garden. To this day, König swears up and down that nobody makes strawberry tarts quite like his mother.

Contrary to his brash and outspoken wife, König's father, Fritz Leichenberg, was a quiet and studious man. He was the tallest man in the village by far, but he was a shy and soft man who preferred his books and his record player to the drunken sports rallies every Friday night, making the other village men consider him effeminate and weak. König's father was a professor of agriculture, and so preferred to spend time in his garden with his wife or reading stories to his children. He was surprisingly soft-spoken for his size, and seemed to always be shrinking away from conversation, preferring the company of his many houseplants to the boisterous drunks at the bar. Fritz liked to play piano on the baby grand in the foyer, and the family would gather and sing around him (Annabelle could never hold a tune, but Fritz never seemed to mind). Fritz was the major disciplinarian in the household, but it seemed his punishments were composed more of long lectures and discussions than spankings that the other children at school got. König was very close to his father, and learned from him the strength of being comfortable with his masculinity, and learned how to be gentle from him. He originally wanted to be a professor like him, but became a soldier when his grandfather passed away.

König had a good relationship with his siblings. He was the second youngest of five. The eldest was Friedrich, then Stephan and Lisa, then König (Kilgore), then finally Klara. König's brothers were awkward, but they fought back hard against their adversaries. Lisa was actually rather popular among her age group, and she managed to keep people in her age bracket from targeting König as well. The brothers and Lisa tried their best to protect König, and even his younger sister ended up becoming a defender and prevented her classmates from targeting her brother. König loved his siblings, but even they could be cruel to him on occasion (particularly when they had friends over). However, they cared for him as a sibling, and they did their best to ensure he was always safe at home.

König also lived with his Oma and Opa (on his father's side). His Opa was a veteran, and taught all the children how to fight. He took a shine to König in particular, and tried his best to encourage his grandson to stand up for himself. His Oma was a bit more skeptical. She loved König, but she always worried about him. She would often try to get him to make new friends, but sadly these efforts were in vain.

So all in all, life was not all doom and gloom for König. He grew up a social outcast, but in a loving home. He's fiercely loyal to his family, and skeptical of anyone he does not consider to be of that ilk. He will always be paranoid, he will always be afraid of people watching him, and he will always have that horrible trait of being ruder than he intends to be. But, in the end, he was loved and raised in a good home.

Bonus:

On König's first day of school, his mother bought him a toy. It became a tradition that every first day of school, she would buy him something special. With all the years that passed, most of these things were broken or lost, but he kept the wooden train set his mother gave him on his very first day.

[lostmf]

By @desnos

[not-poignant]

so earlier this year a psychologist i'd never met before gave me an autism assessment, diagnosed me with level 2 autism (talking at length about how the levels are mostly just useful for accessing government support) and then strongly advised me to access a national disability insurance scheme (known as NDIS) in australia.

she sent me a 20 page document, detailing all the ways i needed support, and i kind of sat back and cried a little, because something she said really stuck with me, which was basically: 'pia, you would always have been diagnosed with ASD at any age, you were never 'atypical' in presentation, people knew before you were verbal and then went out of their way to make sure you never had the chance to get diagnosed, in case it reflected poorly on them, due to their own stigma.'

it's true. my dad was diagnosed with autism and hid it from me. from all of us. he was the most strongly opposed to any behaviour in me that was not neurotypical, or his version of it, which frankly was still pretty fucking autistic. i lived with his abuse until he left us.

but i look back and think, i should've had an education assistant in school and at university. i should've had people around me helping me all along, if i wanted as much access to equality as most neurotypical people have. and now in early october, i'll be meeting with a support service and we'll start talking about the support staff i'll likely need for the rest of my life.

a lifetime of chronic illness and constant burnout (both from illness and from autistic burnout) was recontextualised. a lot of things about the way i live my life made sense.

but it's scary to have these sorts of meetings when you've spent your entire life being threatened with severe consequences if you behave certain ways, or ask for help.

i write the stories i write for rather obvious reasons, basically, and life has been unafraid of making 2024 a rather challenging year.

not just for me, i know, but for many of us.

i'm wishing you all some comfort and kindness, and hoping i can find a bit more myself, in the next few months.

shit's been hard lol

[whiny--puppy]

Childhood trauma is so funny because yeah I have PTSD about it but also can you hit me as hard as you can?????

[waystarresourceco]

Jesse explaining that although all three boys generally experienced the same physical abuse, Roman has internalized his experience as a victim in a different way than Kendall and Connor.   

“I would suggest Logan would have cuffed and hit all the boys at different times in their lives.  I think the difference for Roman maybe is that he feels like he was bullied in the domestic environment and so we can all react to things in different ways. I think Connor and Kendall probably have experienced that and have managed to accommodate it without it being a big part of their psychology whereas I think Roman being that beaten dog and being - there’s often a dynamic isn’t there with bullied people as sort of needing the feeling of negative attention that you get from that and I think he’s become, not addicted to it, but related to it.” 

Excerpt from Firecrotch and Normcore: They Like to Watch (recorded at Edinburgh Fringe Festival) – Aug. 29, 2023

[lifewithchronicpain]

Study underscores urgency of addressing adverse childhood experiences, potentially traumatic events that occur before 18 years of age, and taking steps to mitigate their long-term impact on health. These results are extremely concerning, particularly as over 1 billion children - half of the global child population - are exposed to ACEs each year, putting them at increased risk of chronic pain and disability later in life. Previous research has indicated a positive relationship between exposure to ACEs and chronic pain in adulthood. However, there are still gaps in knowledge - particularly around which type of ACEs are associated with specific pain-related conditions, or whether a dose-response relationship exists.

[formula-red]

I tried to be good, am I no good? Am I no good? Am I no good?

untitled, Geloy Concepcion // Seventeen Going Under, Sam Fender // untitled, traumatizeddfox // Two People, Sam Fender // The War of Vaslav Nijinsky, Frank Bidart // Hard Times, Ethel Cain // Child Wearing a Red Scarf, Eduoard Vuillard // Complex, Katie Gregson Macleod // Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers, malaak // Too Much Wine, The Handsome Family // untitled, milklump // untitled, dying-weeds // Strangers, Ethel Cain

[nmolesofadrenaline]

[catgirl-kaiju]

Parents will give you so much trauma and then deny it ever happened and refuse to talk about it, like a 5 year old getting caught smashing a vase only the vase was your brain

[antimony-medusa]

So what kind of a dad is q!Phil anyways?

So, Phil getting Tallulah and Chayanne to wear armour and learn how to fight. Also Bad doing this with Dapper, and the Brazilians trying to do this with Richas, and the french with Pomme, but when it gets discussed, it's mostly focusing on Phil because of the contrast of Wilbur not wanting his kids to have to fight. There's some really fun discussion that comes up with that!

And the interesting thing is that when we're trying to pull up other cultural touchpoints to compare phil-and-fighting-and-the-kids to, a lot of the other characters have very specific vibes, so to speak. I was in a discussion the other day where someone compared Phil in this with the dad in Supernatural, and him getting his sons to follow him on hunts. Cause he's a dad training his kids to fight, right? From a very young age? However, I don't think this is a perfect comparison, and I wanted to share the one that comes to mind for me, despite the fact that it deals with some pretty dark topics. This whole post deals with some dark topics, you might want to check the tags, just so you know.

Anyways, I never watched Supernatural, so I didn't do much more than think emoji in the moment when this comparison came up. But I checked in with friends who have watched it, and I think Phil QSMP and John Winchester Supernatural are acting from some pretty different places. John Supernatural is teaching his kids to fight because they have a duty and a lineage and have to help save the world, but at the same time there's this tragedy there that implies that he's so focused on his duty as a hunter that he's not seeing that maybe you don't need the kids for that. They could start when they were older—or maybe they could not start this! He essentially conscripts them into a battle that shapes the course of their lives, as little warriors, and they never have a choice in it. And he's not above using them as bait, because they're warriors, right? The battle is so important? They want to be involved, they want this (of course they want this, you're their dad, and they believe you that this is important). He's a true believer.

Whereas Phil is faced with a world that actively and constantly wants to kill his kids, and he's trying to train them to defend themselves. He's trying to say that there's danger out there, you take care of yourself, I'm going to put myself on the line for you, but if I fail, if I'm not there, you won't be defenseless if it comes down to it. I have had my beef with fics that take on this topic, in fact, because I've seen people write Phil as using his kids as bait to get to the codes or forgetting his kids in his code battle, and that's not how I interpret the character motivattion and actions. For me, the way I see it, Phil is always thinking of how best to defend the eggs, and everything else is in service to this. He's a man with anxiety on an island that wants to kill his kids, not a warrior in an epic battle.

Does this mean that the eggs are gonna grow up and go to therapy about their childhood full of danger? Hell yeah they wll. This is not an ideal childhood. But— and this is the crucial thing— they're going to grow up. Same with Dapper, same with Richas, same with Pomme— living your life under constant need to teleport out to safety is bad, objectively, but when the alternative is living in the moment until you die, I think the teleporting out is better, actually.

And the comparison that comes to mind for me, because of my personal experience, is not examples in media of parents training their kids to fight, but examples in media or in real life of parents dealing with serious and or terminal illness in kids. Cause that's what my family did. And boy is there resonance there.

I don't know of any parent of a kid with cancer who likes putting their kid through treatment. Chemotherapy sucks, radiation sucks, surgery sucks, immunotherapy sucks, none of this is good. I have seen this tear up parents (and siblings) inside. But it's better than letting their kids DIE, isn't it? And before you say well, obviously everyone is on the same page when it comes to things like chemotherapy, I have *seen* people go out there and post at cancer families about how they can't believe they're putting poison in their children's bodies when they should just eat better, etc. (This take reminds me strongly of the "she shoudln't wear armour cause she shouldn't have to fight" take about Tallulah.) Serious illness in kids forces you into terrible situations, but the only saving grace is that they're better than the alternative, you hope.

The only thing that makes me go ehhhhh maybe with Phil and the Mr Supernatural is him letting Chayanne fight, but Chayanne is a kid being hunted whose sister (also being hunted) is disabled, and this happens whether or not Chayanne is involved, and he wants to try and defend her so bad. I don't think saying "let her die if necessary, don't intervene" is going to be a conversation that ends up with less trauma, if you know what I mean. That is simply a situation that has no real win conditions out of it. At least this way he feels like he has some control? (Note: this is a bad situation, there's no getting around it.)

QSMP is so often a story about forces beyond our control trying to destroy us, and while Supernatural and its ilk also has that tone, within Supernatural there's at least a population that doesn't have to be part of the battle, so opting into the battle becomes on some level a choice, and involving children in that is also a choice, one that you can hold up to the standards of allowing children to have a childhood and go "is this ethical". On Quesadilla island, there's literally no opting out of this fight. There are malevolent forces that are directly trying to destroy you, destroy your children, and the question of allowing children to have a childhood has been effectively taken out of your hands. You simply have to do the best with the situation you have, and have a birthday party while keeping the armour on. And this reminds me much more strongly of situations like childhood cancer, than it does of cases in media of people concripting their children into battle.

In both cases children are trying to fight malevolent entities that want them dead, as pushed to fight by their parents, but boy, at least to me, the tone is pretty different. I think the question of "is it self defense or did you choose to be here" is pretty important.

[raionmimi]

HC that Lucio's dad met a very charming student at Vishkar that would talk to him sometimes, but he didn't see her again until he was transferred to one of the company's classified operation rooms

He quit very soon after and has several regrets about their last meeting

[anglophile-alfred]

I posted my latest fanfiction!

The Hidden Spade

When Alfred finds he has the mark of the Queen of Spades, he knows he will be forced into royalty and the feminine role of Queen—dresses and all. There is no way Alfred can allow himself to be found out, not when his freedom and identity are on the line. The universe seems to have other plans for him, however. Can Alfred keep his secret? Or is fate too strong to allow a Queen to not take her throne? (UKUS, rating may change with future chapters)

I've only posted the prologue at the moment. I've always wished that Alfred was queen and Arthur was king, so I'm finally writing a Cardverse fanfiction but with the UKUS role switch we deserve. Content Warning for childhood abuse in the prologue! Rated T